Diaries of a Madman
by whatmustido
Summary: When Discord breaks free of his stone prison, he proves to be much older and wiser than he was on the show. A being of ancient and unimaginable power, he forces Celestia to make a deal with the devil-himself, of course-in order to save her little ponies. What she doesn't realize is that one of the terms of the deal is that she forgets ever making. Enter the poor human hero.
1. Prologue

Prologue

"I remember when I first woke up again. How the little fillies that gave me the added power to break free ran off, laughing, not realizing what they had done. I remember the feeling of being back in my body, after so long of watching but being unable to act. And I most definitely remember you, Celestia," I said, gently caressing her face. She flinched back.

"My student will stop you, Discord!" Her entire lower body was stone. The only thing of hers that she could move was her head, and her unicorn magic does nothing to me. She fixed me with a glare.

"If I let her, yes. Do you know what it is like, Celestia, to live forever?" I asked, walking around her. Her eyes refused to follow me, and she kept her head straight, staring ahead. "I don't mean living a few thousand years, as you have. I mean truly living forever." She didn't answer. After a minute, I stopped in front of her. She refused to meet my gaze. I wrapped my eagle talon around her stone throat and picked her stone body up to force her to look me in the eyes. "I have lived for _billions _of years." I dropped her statue to its feet with an audible thud. Her eyes didn't leave mine. "I have lived since there were a handful of sentient creatures, and will live until there is only one left and there can at last be peace."

"Why are you telling me this, monster?"

"So you can understand. So you can understand why I do what I do. And maybe… Maybe, Celestia, so we can make a deal."

"I would never agree to anything you say!"

"Maybe. Maybe…" I continued my pacing. "I have been stopped hundreds of times. I have been turned to stone. I have been buried. I have been banished under the oceans, bound by magics long since lost. Almost every race that has ever existed has managed to banish me at least once. Dragons have done so the most, but after so long my proximity has polluted their minds." She hissed a bit. "Don't worry, my dear: That took several million years to do. Ponies will have long since faded to obscurity by the time that might happen to you." She gave me a hateful look. I waved my lion paw. "Oh, don't get me wrong! Ponies are magnificent animals, of course. It is just a trend I have noticed. I truly don't mean it as an insult."

She was silent. "You know, Celestia, it wouldn't kill you to be civil. I know you don't much care for me, but think about how _I_ feel! You locked me in stone for several thousand years."

"You deserved worse."

"Yes, I do. And did, I suppose. But you would do the same, if you had lived as long as I have. You think you know boredom, I can see it in your mind. You think you know loneliness." I stopped right in front of her and bent down as close as I could to her eyes. Insane yellow and red met fierce pink and black. "You. Don't. Know. A. Thing." I stood straight again. "You are a long lived ruler of a short lived people. And I feel I should apologize for what my magic did to you. The Elements of Harmony don't usually have that effect, though they are also usually used by species that live longer anyway."

"You knew about the Elements?"

"I created them, of course. I created them and I hid them away. I always give my opponents a trump card that they can use to defeat me." I continued pacing. "So your student and her 'friends' are out looking for them right now. Normally I wait thousands of years to give my enemies the trump. But I have something different in mind." I stopped in front of her again. "And do you know why, Celestia?"

"You are too afraid to fight me and Luna again?"

I chuckled. "Good guess, old friend, but no. As I said, I want a deal." I started pacing again. "What would you say to a truce of sorts? Now, before you say anything, I want to explain why, and explain my terms."

"I suppose I don't have any choice but to listen."

I laughed out loud. "No, my dear, I suppose you don't. I've played for chaos all my life. I have created discord. I have torn families apart. I almost never actually hurt anything, though I do cause some manner of torment. I have never—EVER—killed anyone. I have caused others to kill, yes. I have whispered insane torments so long in the mind of some that they kill themselves. But I've never actually killed anyone."

"That doesn't excuse you from the responsibility."

"I know. Trust me, Celestia, I _know_. I've had this talk before, with someone that decided not to take my deal. They said much the same thing as you did." What she didn't know, of course, is that the person I had this talk with was her. I've had this talk with her hundreds of times, all within the last few minutes. I just make her forget each unsuccessful attempt; I've learned my lesson about giving up too soon. "So I've been playing for chaos for a long time. Frankly, I'm a bit tired of it. I think I have decided to play the other side of the fence for a while. Not forever, of course, but for a while. The thing is, I need someone to teach me how to do it."

"And you expect me to let you run wild while I teach you how to play nice. Why does that not sound appealing?"

"No, I've just explained my reasoning. I have yet to lay down any actual terms. Are you even slightly interested in hearing them?"

"If I say no?"

"Oh, you'll hear the terms whether you want to or not. But if you don't accept them, I will rule this world for a very, very long time. I've seen it already. The reason dragons put me down so many times, you see, is that they live long enough to be able to do it. But dragons are somewhat corrupted by me, now. They are still mostly sane, of course, but greedy and violent. There are exceptions, and some can be trained well. But if you choose not to accept my terms, I will hide the Elements of Harmony so well that they will never be found in your lifetime. Or I might just unmake them. I have the power to, I just lack the desire."

There was a pause. "I'm listening."

"I thought you would. The first term is this: I live in your lands, disguised, for as long as I can stay hidden."

"No powers?"

"I'll have a few. But I won't use them unless I absolutely have to. My body will age, if you let it. I will drop my immunity to magic unless I am actually put in danger."

"Keep talking." Quieter, she murmured, "Never thought I'd say that."

"A mare telling a man to talk..." I giggled. She just rolled her eyes. "Fine, be that way. Term two is that no one is to know of me unless I tell them. I will be in your lands, hidden, and not a single soul on this world can know of me."

"What about Luna? Can I tell her of this agreement?"

I snapped my fingers. Luna suddenly stood next to Celestia. As soon as her hooves hit the ground she snapped awake. "DISCORD!" she shouted, horn glowing. I rolled my eyes and snapped my fingers again and her horn disappeared.

"Need I remind you, young one, of _who I am?_" I asked as her body started to turn to stone.

"You'll never get away wi—"

"Yes, yes, spare me your tripe." She glared at me. "Yes, you hate me. Yes, it was _my_ fault you turned into Nightmare Moon. Yes, you can blame me for being on the moon for a thousand years. Happy?" I don't think she was very happy. "Celestia, care to help me out here?"

"Not really. This is kind of funny, actually."

"Celestia, what has he done to you?" Luna asked, almost in tears.

I snapped my fingers, and replayed the entire conversation to Luna. When she caught up, she was silent.

"Much better." I pulled a party hat from the air and stuck it on Luna's head. "Not quite the same…" I rubbed my beard, pretending to think of something. I suddenly snapped my fingers, as though I had an epiphany. I reached behind Celestia's ear and pulled out a horn, only to find that the hat on Luna's head had already changed to a horn.

They didn't look amused.

"Tough crowd!" I picked my teeth with the unicorn horn, and then bit into it. "Candy cane?" I asked, offering it to them. They just gave me a look. "Straight back to business! I like that! Though we're not exactly in a hurry," I said, pointing out the window. They looked and didn't see anything of note. I checked the watch I wasn't wearing a second ago and tried tapping it. "Damn birds never appear when you need them," I muttered. "Anyway, time doesn't exist outside this room anymore. But that's neither here nor there. I'm sure you're both terribly busy." Celestia gave off a longsuffering sigh, and Luna just gave me an evil look. "Oh come on, Luna, don't look so stony!" I gave it a second, and burst out laughing. Neither of them even smiled.

I instantly smoothed my face. "Fine," I announced in a dead voice. I started pacing again, hands behind my back. "So yes, Celestia, you can tell Luna of this. Though I think she might already know by now." I waved my hand, still pacing. "That's only two of the terms. What say you?"

"You're going to keep going, either way," Celestia finally said, after sharing a short glance with Luna.

"Yes, I am," I answered. I stopped right in front of her. "What do you think so far?"

"If you are telling the truth about them, and will keep to your word, I see nothing to object to so far."

"Good… Good." I resumed my pacing. "Term three: After some time of good behavior, I will regain some of my powers. They will be randomly picked, nothing either of us will have any influence over. I _will not_ use them against you, but I might use them to protect myself against you, if I feel threatened."

"Okay," Celestia said.

"Term four: I will not die. I might get injured. I might get hurt so badly that by all rights I should die. Some ponies will question this. To that end, I will give you magic—and all unicorns, by extension—that enables healing and the transfer of life force from one creature to another. It is ancient magic. And when I say ancient, I mean so old that even I barely remember it anymore, and I remember everything perfectly." Luna rolled her eyes. I smiled, and put a single finger on her forehead. Through that link I let her glimpse a millionth of my life. She immediately burst into tears, screaming.

"What did you do to her?!" Celestia demanded.

"I gave her a bit of perspective," I whispered, taking my thumb off her. Her glimpse into my mind was lost, and with it the reason for tears. Her mind would be haunted for a while, but she wouldn't know why. "All better, aren't you deary?" I asked, stuffing a lollipop in her mouth. She spit it right out. I shrugged. "Eh, suit yourself. You want anything?" I asked Celestia. She shook her head. I resumed pacing. "So we have four terms. And you ponies even get a bit of something out of it. I'm sure you'll think of a way to explain the magic to your ponies; it takes a lot of energy to use, and it's hardly perfect, but you'll figure all that out as we go." I paused, both in my pacing and in my dialogue.

The silence stretched. Celestia finally broke it, "And?" she demanded.

I blinked. "Sorry, I also froze time in the maze outside. A bit of direct intervention was required with the two pegasi; of all the pony races ever created, those were the only ones to ever give me any trouble. Aside from you alicorns, of course… But I think I took care of that problem quite nicely."

"You missed two of us!" Luna accused. "And look where that got you!"

"And why do you think I let two _female_ alicorns go?" She didn't have an answer to that. "Term five… This one is quite a favorite of mine, and I'm sure you'll both agree. I'll report everything I do to you, Celestia! Everything without a single real lie, unless you tell me not to write something down. Oh, I might leave some details out, some things that I'm sure you wouldn't find important or interesting. I might not put down exactly how I feel in some cases, because that's more of an opinion than something I did, but you know how it goes. If it makes you feel any better, your student doesn't report everything to you either. She has quite a mind on her, she does… I could do all manner of things with it. She has quite the propensity for insanity."

"But you won't touch her if we agree to this little truce of yours."

"I suppose we can make that a term, if you wish… Term six: I will not corrupt any minds using my magic. Unless they choose to follow me down the road, I suppose. Or after, when all this falls apart."

"Falls apart?" Luna asked. Celestia just closed her eyes and whispered something that I wasn't able to hear but was able to read off her mind.

"Old age will steal me away eventually," I said. "If not old age, _something_ will get me. Only I won't die. Even with magic I should die, but I won't. Someone will figure something out eventually. Which brings us to term seven: When it all falls apart, you two will take zero responsibility. We'll have a mock battle and I'll be stone again until I break free. I will use my magic to ensure this happens."

"This seems… wrong, Celestia," Luna whispered.

Celestia didn't answer.

"Term eight: I will obey you both, as a loyal subject should." I mockingly bowed. "Of course, I will happily make suggestions and there are orders that I might conveniently not hear. But if you—" I broke off.

Celestia gave off a smug smile. "Is my student giving you more trouble than you thought?"

I blinked my way back. "Your student has finished the labyrinth, actually. Her friends did not follow my rules. I just had to hide us all while I showed Twilight something she missed." I shuddered. "One thing you two will also never understand: Being everywhere at once. The very air itself seethes with discord! Sciences long forgotten in this world…" I saw them staring at me in confusion. "No matter. I think we were on my last term. Term nine. At any time you may pull the plug on this entire experiment. I go back to being full Discord with all my powers and you go back to being my enemy. And I will not go easy on you. I will dominate this world for so long that there will not be a living soul—dragon, pony, alicorn—that remembers what it was like before I ruled. Assuming you don't win, of course." The two sisters shared a look. I stopped in front of them. "But you know what the fun thing about that is?" They looked at me. "I'll help you fight me!" The look on their faces was priceless.

"How could you help us fight yourself?" Luna asked.

"A good question," I said, patting her on the head. She didn't take it well. "A question which I will only answer if you accept my terms and the truce that accompanies it."

"Celestia, he's lying. You know what he is!"

I stood to my fullest height. "I will always lie. But when I give my word, when I tell a promise, _I always keep it._ Even you should remember that from our time together, back in the day." I stooped back down.

"Surely you won't consent to being a pony, though," Celestia said. "What kind of disguise will you take?"

I beamed. "I thought you'd never ask!" I snapped my fingers and my form rapidly pulsated, changing, shrinking. When the form finally stopped, I stood before them, shorter than both by at least a few inches.

"What… what _are_ you?" Luna finally asked, after they had both stared at me for nearly a minute.

"What creature is so horrible that could spawn something like Discord?" I asked in a voice not my own. "What is so mentally chaotic and so hate-filled that they could construct something as evil as I?"

"Nothing that I have ever seen," Celestia finally said, after they shared a short look.

"Humans were the first sentient being on this planet. Ever. You can't _imagine_ how long ago that was. Think your lifetime. All of it. Imagine that millions of times. Now billions of times. They thought they knew so much… They thought they were so wise… They had methods of war, of fighting, of killing, that rivaled anything I have seen since. I'll admit, they produced a few souls that gave me a run for my money. But they always fell in the end, and when they did there was usually renewed violence. This form right here, this individual human shape, is the first one to ever call _me_ into existence. Not the idea of discord, but the persona of Discord! I immortalized him for his crime. He's in here," I said, tapping my head, "seeing everything I see, everything I do. You think _I_ am mad!" I couldn't help but chuckle. "Cain was definitely _quite_ the character, that one. But no matter," I said, snapping again and changing back to my form, "that is the form I will take if you agree. I'll even give you the knowledge to change me around if, in the end, you don't like that form."

I put myself right back in front of Celestia. "So. You have heard my terms. I think they are a bit fair, personally. Hell, they give you a pretty big power over me." I shrugged. "But I knew that is what it would take. So what do you say, Celestia? Friends?" I asked, holding out my hand. Her stone skin fell away and she flinched. She looked at my hand, biting her lower lip. She turned her head to look at Luna, who I had turned fully into stone as soon as I let Celestia go. "This is your choice to make, Princess. _Your_ choice."

A minute passed. Two. Finally, she slowly, hesitantly reached her hoof up to shake my hand. As soon as she touched me, she started turning back to stone. "Relax, Celestia, you can still hear me when you are fully stone. You just can't ask questions." She stared at me defiantly until she was completely covered. I let her hoof go.

"I promised you a few extra details," I said. "I wasn't lying. If you ever wish to pull the plug on this experiment, the words you must speak are, 'Tractor sand blue burn.' You must speak them in that order, with nothing in between." I smiled, though I knew she couldn't see me. "Now, you see, this is where things start getting interesting. If you recall, one of my terms was that no one could know of my existence here. Not a single living soul on this world. And the last time I checked, you and your sister were both quite alive. Oh, you're currently incredibly stoned, but you are still alive. So when I snap my fingers again, you are both going to forget all about this talk." I felt Celestia's horror. "Yes, I know how you feel, my dear. But I also remember that you shook on it. And I think that you remember as well. And you want to know the hilarious thing?"

She didn't answer. I continued, "Luna predicted this. Twilight would have predicted this. I'm pretty sure that a _child_ would have predicted this, Celestia. Luna didn't mention it because she thought you knew. Oh, if you had felt her horror when you shook my hand…" I chuckled, and wiped a fake tear out of my eyes. "So you'll forget me. You'll also forget the code words to end it. You'll forget that you were given access to the magic. But you'll still remember how to actually _do_ the magic; I'm not stupid, no matter how much you think I am. Actually, I think I might put some of the magic in an old book for Twilight to find… That seems more humbling, in a way; let the student teach the mistress something."

I felt Celestia's mind shift. "Yes, yes, I'm getting to that. If you somehow remember how to unleash me and decide you wish to, how will I fight with you against myself?" I laughed again. "I think it's somewhat ingenious, myself. You see, the only way you'll remember those words is if I tell you what they are." I felt the horror in her mind expand exponentially.

"So you understand, I see. Yes, I said I will help you fight against myself. So Discord will help Celestia fight against the human that is on Celestia's side by telling her the words that will end the human's existence. Discord tricks Celestia into fighting for him. And you'll fall for it. I already foresee it. And do you know what else I foresee for you, Celestia?" The horror was still growing. "Remember term six of our agreement?" A single tear dropped from her stone face. "I corrupted one sister a few years ago when I wasn't even able to _move_. You just bet your entire world that I won't be able to corrupt the other one _now_." I let that sink in for a minute before I snapped my fingers.

The world _shifted._ Time reversed itself right up to the point where I broke free again. Instead of breaking free, I just melted from the statue, leaving it intact and hollow. I ghosted invisibly across Equestria—across the entire world—whispering in a few minds and setting things up just the way I needed them. I told Celestia I wouldn't use my magic to corrupt minds, but you don't have to break someone to make them do what you want them to. All it takes is a bit of honey words and occasionally some lies.

I drove a pony nearly mad from loneliness.

I pushed the winds to severely injure a griffin when she collided with the ground.

I forced some filthy monsters to begin a migration.

I whispered into the mind of a unicorn, driving him across the lands in search of monsters that didn't exist.

I drove a king mad.

I made a mugger go too far but step back from the abyss when it was almost too late.

I whispered jealous thoughts into the mind of a mare.

I drove narcissism so deeply into the mind of a pony that he would be broken if his body was harmed.

I gave an ancient dragon nightmares.

I drove a serpent mad from loneliness.

And I whispered the method of the spell needed to bring my persona into existence to the mind of one Twilight Sparkle.

And while I was doing all of that, I was crafting my new persona. I could not come to this world with the personality of Discord, as that would tip Celestia off immediately; I was risking enough, coming as I was. And there were a lot of other problems, as well: The language was entirely different from anything Cain or any human had known. The atmosphere was so radically different that any human coming here would probably die almost immediately afterwards. The ponies would be reluctant to accept the human, due to his obvious status as a predator and due to how _odd_ he was. And I had to pretend to be surprised at everything new I was seeing. I would have to master acting, and probably find some manner of handicap for the first few months so none of them would be too suspicious.

So I had to craft a different persona. Someone the ponies could eventually accept. Someone with flaws, so they could teach him. Someone with intelligence and depth, so he could gain friends. I had all of the memories of the dead race of man to work with.

And yet it was difficult. I knew these ponies, knew what I could make work, and yet I didn't know exactly what to do.

And that gave me my best idea: I didn't know what to expect from them and they didn't know what to expect from what I was going to be. So, I would just jump right in and see what happens. I grabbed a personality from my mind and slapped it into a body and got ready for the time of my life.


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One—Wherein I'm introduced to some kind of horses or something

So tired… Bloody insomnia, bloody internet, and bloody caffeine. It's amazing what tricks your brain can pull when you've put up with sleep deprivation for the past few weeks. Right now, it appears that a horse is talking to me.

Maybe I should explain, since these are supposed to be diary entries in case something ever goes wrong. This is my diary, and if you're reading you're a terrible person and you need to stop. Unless I'm dead, in which case I don't honestly guess it matters anymore. I hope my funeral was nice.

I am an eighteen year old high school student, nearing the end of my reign as a senior. College looms, and as the days go by and the work on the road to college mounts, my sleep schedule completely shattered. I am now adrift in the apathetic sea of complete exhaustion, brought almost to my knees in mental anguish as my body struggles to cope. I've long since found that caffeine has the reverse effect on me, but I can't help but try to keep some fluids in me, and all I have left is this bloody acid called coke we humans are so fond of ingesting.

That's the mindset I was in when the 'Initial Incident' happened.

I had finally, finally managed to snatch a few hours of sleep after a large amount of overly difficult calculus work. I slept the sleep of the dead, with no dreams disturbing the blackness of my chaotic mind. I gathered, later, that I was out for maybe an hour or two. A good spell, for me, though it was hardly comforting as I fell asleep in my full regalia: Black shirt, camo jean shorts, a sturdy leather belt with an extensive set of pockets, a watch, socks, and I somehow managed to forget to take my shoes off. I thank myself for that every day, now… In my pockets I carried my usual assortment of gadgets: A butterfly knife—just in case, a lighter, a pair of gloves, a wallet, and my keys. It was not a good rest.

I awoke to a strong pulling sensation. Wearily, I looked down at my legs, and noticed they weren't there anymore. My mind, sluggish from the short bit of sleep, took several seconds to realize that I was missing half my body. When it did, panic ensued. Christ almighty, but that was freaky as hell.

Of course, the pulling sensation didn't end with my legs. I hope I was alone in the house that day, because my screams of terror would have jarred my family quite terribly. After several minutes, my entire body up to my head had disappeared. I got tired of yelling and forced my mouth shut.

A second later, I was gone.

Bright, bright white light. White, or was it blue? Pink? Maybe yellow… The colors in the world were shifting, changing faster than my beleaguered mind could identify. I think I saw a few I couldn't even recognize.

Suddenly, the shifting stopped, and I was left with a searing pain in my eyes. I was somehow floating, it felt. I tried opening my eyes, to find they were already open. I was effectively blind.

Suddenly, a feminine voice cut through the silence. "Not quite what I was expecting… Take a note: The subject appears disoriented. There is little hair covering it, though it wears clothes. Its head appears to be covered mostly in hair, with a nose, lips, two eyes, two ears, and hair covering just about everything else." Her voice droned on, describing this 'subject' with much detail. My mind sorted through some of the details, until I realized she had to be describing me. I have a beard, you see…

"Uh… Hello?" I managed through trembling lips.

"It speaks! And it knows Equestrian! Spike, note this all down. Record everything it says," the feminine voice spoke.

"Are you sure you want to speak about it like that? The thing looks and sounds intelligent…" a more masculine, though childish, voice replied to her.

"There are varying degrees of intelligence, boy," I answered him. "There's book learning, wisdom, and common bloody sense. From the sounds of things, your scientist over there has at least one of those," I said, with a small amount of hostility. "I'm hardly a 'subject' to study, and my eyes flaming hurt. Whatever you're doing, hurry it up, release me and get me a doc or something. I want to make sure I'm not blinded by whatever stunt you pulled." I could tell they were a bit taken aback by my speech.

"The subject—"

"I have a name, lass. I'd appreciate it if you used it, or at least if you called me a person instead of pretending I'm a science project," I said. "I'd be happy to give you my name, if you'd reciprocate. And maybe find me something for my eyes."

She huffed, angered at my tone and my rough treatment of her. _She must not be used to teenagers_, I thought to myself. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, and this is Spike. Now, what is your name?" she asked me.

"Navarone, at your service," I replied, the lie coming easily to my lips. I have always heard that it's a good idea not to give captors many details about your life, and Navarone is a name I've used in the past so it wouldn't be too hard to answer to. "Now, would you kindly tell me where I am, how I got here, and who you are?" My mind was roiling, trying to keep up with the verbal sparring and trying to process more details. My eyes were starting to hurt less, but they were still blinded.

"A question for a question seems fair to me," she said. _I might have been wrong about her_, I thought. _Maybe some common sense after all_. "Where do you come from?"

"Hardly an original question, but seeing as how I still seem to be restrained, we'll play your game." Not knowing how to answer, I told her the truth, relatively. I'm a bit of a sarcastic bastard… "United States of America, North Western Hemisphere, planet Earth, solar system Sol, galaxy Milky Way, third dimension. Now, where are we? More specifically than my answer, that is."

"Your answer told me little, but that's about what I suspected when I asked… My answer will tell you just as little, though, so it's fair. Equestria," she told me, with a hint of a smile in her voice. "What species are you?"

"Equestria? I may be American, but I've seen a few maps. If you want to give me crap answers, maybe I should do the same for you."

"I told you it wouldn't help. Answer the question, please."

"Bah! Human. Technical name _Homo sapiens_." Due to my lack of sleep, it didn't occur to me at the time why she would be asking something like that. "How did I get here? I remember finally managing to get to sleep, after a long period of severe deprivation, when I got pulled somewhere else."

"Spike, write that down. Human… Put simply, I used a spell to summon you here. I don't really know the equivalent word in your world." Suddenly, my mind started to make a few connections. Before I could act on them, I was being questioned again. "You are wearing clothing. What is it made of?"

My mind was alive, sparking with questions and possible answers. I knew I had to keep playing her game, though. "The shirt is cotton, I think. The pants are denim. The socks are probably cotton. The shoes are rubber and plastic, I think. Now I might know the right question to ask. What the bloody hell are _you_?" I asked her, partly dreading the answer.

She smiled. How I could tell, with my eyes not working, I don't know. I could just feel it. "I," she said, "am a pony. Welcome, human Navarone, to Equestria."

I floated, a bit dumbstruck. My first thought was honestly aliens. I discounted that when I heard her voice. It was too… kind… to be from something like that. My second thought was some kind of teleportation experiment from some government or another. A bloody talking pony never even entered my mind as a possibility. I have to admit, it took me by surprise.

"Your skin appears to have very little hair on it. Why is that?" she asked me.

"Wait, wait, wait. You're a bloody talking horse. What the hell is he?" I asked, referring to Spike. "Don't tell me: A bloody talking rat?"

"I could count that as your next question, but I'd prefer you answer mine first."

"Besides," Spike said with an insulted tone, "everypony knows rats can't talk."

_And everyone knows ponies can't talk either… Wait, did he say everypony?_ I had to admit, panic was creeping back into my mind. It was being overshadowed by anger, of course. Seeing few options available to me, and knowing I needed information, I kept playing her game. "Evolution, mixed with fashion preference. A long time ago, humans had more hair on them to keep them warm without clothes. We slowly fought our way to sentience, and learned that clothes were better for warmth than a lot of hair. So we started wearing clothes and the like to keep warm. Eventually, so much hair fell out of fashion, and natural selection worked on it, slowly. I'm willing to bet, in a few thousand more years, we won't have much left. Now, what is your friend Spike?"

"He's a baby dragon," she said, matter-of-factly. "I got a bit from your explanation, but what is evolution?"

"A bloody dragon? Christ almighty, the situations I find myself in… Evolution… It is a principle of science. Sometimes, a mutation will occur in a species. An easy example would be innate blindness in a cave fish. Say the rest of the fish can still see, they haven't been trapped there long or something. This one fish that was born blind will have a small advantage, as he won't have to worry as much about energy since his eyes don't work. The other fish have eyes, but they can't see in the darkness. Their eyes are just taking up small amounts of energy. The blind fish will need less energy to survive, and thus live longer to reproduce more often. That way, his genes will spread better through the fish. Eventually, there's a decent probability that all the fish in the cave will be born blind. But, outside of a cave, the blind fish would likely be eaten by a predator before he can age to reproduce. His unfitness would get him killed, so his crappy genes wouldn't spread as far," I explained. "What do you intend to do with me?"

"Interesting theory. It even makes sense, in a way. I hope you got all that, Spike… Now, as to what I'm going to do with you… Well, I haven't quite decided yet. I honestly wasn't expecting to summon anything sentient, or from away from this world. I don't know if I can send you back. That spell was supposed to conjure a weakened member of the most dangerous species in the world for study. You don't seem particularly dangerous…" _Spell? A talking pony with magic. The turns my life takes, man._

"Gee, I wonder why. Maybe it has something to do with my blindness. Or the restraints I can't quite feel. Or the long sleep deprivation I've had. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm coherent enough for this conversation. Gotta love adrenaline, I guess." Suddenly, something she said hit me. "Wait, you can't send me back?"

"There wasn't a spell for it, and experimenting with new magic is usually suicidal, at least magic on that scale. I truly do apologize for it… I know an apology won't make it up, but there's really nothing I can do. I can look for a counterspell, but I can make no promises," she said, truly sounding sad and morose.

I sighed. "If I promise not to attack you, will you at least release me?"

I could practically hear the gears in her mind grinding. "You don't understand," she said at last. "If that spell worked correctly, you are the most dangerous species in the universe. It was supposed to only summon monsters from this world, but you aren't listed in any reference book I've seen. You could say you wouldn't hurt me, and then turn around and, well, hurt me."

"Good of you to be cautious. There are some of my species who would do that. Hell, just looking at me in a biological sense would tell you I'm a predator. Eyes facing forward, bipedal, canine teeth. I, however, am relatively pacifistic until you do something to really, really piss me off. Also, I'm blind, in case you somehow forgot. And you have magic, sharp hooves, and a dragon. What harm could I possibly do?"

"He's right, Twilight. Also, you could at least remove the blindness thing," Spike said, feeling a bit better about me for the hidden compliment. I was beginning to like that kid.

_Wait, blindness restraint_? I thought. "I'm blind because of you? Jesus, lass, turn that shit off! At least look me in the eyes before you decide my ultimate fate!" I was more than a little angry.

I could tell she was taken aback by my harsh speech.

I growled unpleasantly. "If you don't want to see how violent, dangerous, and strong humanity is, I suggest letting me see. You may have magic, but I have a few tricks up my sleeve. It might be wise not to piss of the most dangerous species in the universe, especially when you know almost nothing about us."

After a few seconds, I started to wonder if she changed her mind. I opened my mouth to ask, when the fog blocking my vision started to clear. Grimly, I closed my mouth and did my best to look about the world in which I was held captive.

I appeared to be in either a library or a study. Books lined shelves partially inlaid in walls. I was held, suspended by nothing, a few feet over the floor. I could see part of the second floor from where I hung. All the furnishing appeared to be wooden.

My captors were not quite what I was expecting. The dragon was considerably smaller than I would have guessed, childish voice aside. I reminded myself he was a _baby _dragon, and figured they really meant baby. He was purple and green, with wide eyes. Twilight was… purple. A purple talking horse. Then I noticed she had a horn. A purple talking unicorn, it appeared. _Hey, why not_? Her mane was dark blue, with a deep violet line down the middle. Her tail was the same. Even her eyes were purple. Not a horse, I realized after seeing how small she was. She really was a pony. She was looking at me with what appeared to be a hint of fear, wonder, and confusion. It was hard for me to tell; I was hardly a people person, and she had a bloody horse face.

Blinking my eyes rapidly, I took in all these details in seconds. "That's better," I said. "We have horses and ponies where I'm from, but I've never seen a purple one. Or a unicorn. Today is a day full of surprises, it appears…" It's amazing what you think about in situations like those. Not like many people ever find them in one, of course.

"For you and me both," she replied. "I think I'll have to talk to the princess before I can release your other bonds. I'm really sorry, but I don't want to risk releasing a dangerous animal among my people."

"He doesn't look so tough to me. I bet if you brought in Applejack and Rainbow Dash, they could crush him before he could so much as blink," Spike told her. I couldn't help but smile at how he perceived me. Admittedly, I wasn't feeling so hot, but if push came to shove I could probably do a bit of damage to whoever it was thought they could crush me. Especially if I could get to my knife, or my weighted gloves…

"Again, I do understand your hesitation. I hardly inspire confidence with my appearances. Perhaps you could bring in a friend or something to watch me when you make your call," I asked with a small amount of hope. A girl like this, I was hoping, would have some weaker willed friends I could get to release me. I really didn't want to hurt them, but I did want to be able to move again.

"Call?" she asked. "I don't know what you mean. Spike, send the report to Celestia."

With a flourish, he coughed up a small ball of flame and burned the message. I flinched.

She noticed my movement. "Don't worry, it's just how we send messages quickly. Her response shouldn't take long. If you have any more questions, I could try to answer them."

"Who wrote all these books?" I asked. My mind still wasn't working too well, and this seemed an obvious fault at the time. "You don't have any thumbs, and dragons stay that small for only so long."

"You'd be surprised how long dragons take to grow," she said. "But really, unicorns write most of them. We can manipulate objects with magic. It's just more convenient to have an assistant help me with field work."

I nodded, having done some work like that myself. "You were supposed to summon something really dangerous. This room isn't all that big. What if whatever you had summoned was too big? Or what if it had been able to break through your spells?"

She seemed a bit taken aback. "I… I hadn't really thought of that." _So much for her having common sense. _"I suppose that's why the spell was supposed to summon a weakened version of the species. I guess I messed up somewhere, though, because I've never heard of anything like you before."

"Why would you be trying to summon something like that anyway?"

"To find its weaknesses, of course. Equestria isn't entirely safe. I figured I could summon something, study it, and then have it sent back to where ever it came from in the world. But you don't come from this world."

I tried to shrug, but the invisible restraints around me wouldn't allow it. "Why are you sending that message to the princess, instead of the king or queen? Did she commission the experiment?"

She looked at me oddly. "Queen? King? We don't have those in Equestria."

"Odd. In my world, the king and queen rule, while the princess is in training to either rule or be wed off for power. The king and queen are the parents, while the princess is the daughter of them. Even then, monarchy fell out of style with a lot of my world, but I'm hardly here to provoke a political uprising…"

"The princess has always been our ruler. Celestia reigns alongside her sister, Luna, now. They have recently been reconciled after centuries of separation and bitterness."

I was about to comment on that when Spike suddenly convulsed and belched out smoke, fire, and a scroll.

It's an odd feeling, to have your life left up to a mysterious benefactor, communicating solely through a flaming scroll. If possible, I would have crossed my fingers.

The scroll gently floated down and Spike caught it with experienced hands. Opening it, he intoned: "My dearest Twilight, you should know better than to play with dangerous magic, especially with no pony else knowing what you're doing in case something goes wrong. However, what's done is done. I trust your judgment in dealing with this creature. If he is as dangerous as you think he is, I suggest getting your friends together in case he tries to hurt you or escape. Just be careful, and remember that I will come if you call, as always. Your loving teacher, Celestia." His recitation ended, Spike folded up the scroll and looked to Twilight.

"I'll listen to her suggestion. I don't think Pinkie Pie or Rarity could help much if he turned out dangerous… Spike, go get Rainbow Dash. Tell her to find Applejack and Fluttershy, and to let them know we have an emergency here. Don't give any details, just tell her to hurry, and tell no one else but them."

"Fluttershy? Are you sure you want her mixed up in this?" he asked her.

"Trust me, Spike. Go," she told him. He went. "Now, Navarone, tell me why we shouldn't leave you restrained until you're too weak to do any harm."

I smiled grimly. "If you keep me up here that long, there's a good chance you'll be waiting until I die. If you do decide I'm weakened and you let me down, there's no telling how much animosity might have built in me by then. I don't usually hold grudges and I try to never hurt anyone, but I make exceptions for those who try to hurt others, especially when those others include me."

She didn't look happy at that. "Just… stop talking for now. I'll decide what to do when the others get here… Don't talk to them, either, until I tell you it's okay."

I mockingly bowed my head. "As you command, jail mistress." She actually stuck her tongue out at me.

We didn't have to wait long. Spike came running in after a few minutes to see us making faces at each other. He looked on, confused for a minute, before reporting. "I found Rainbow Dash, but she was with Pinkie. I told her separately, but Pinkie knows something is wrong. I don't know what she'll do, though…"

"We'll deal with her if we have to, but she probably won't be a problem. You know how she is. Is Rainbow Dash on her way?"

"Of course. She doesn't know exactly what's wrong, but if there's an emergency you know she'll be at her fastest," he told her.

"Good. Now, Navarone, is there anything you want to tell me about before the others arrive?"

"Well," I started. "I have hidden about my body some weapons. I wasn't going to tell you, just in case, but right now honesty seems a bit more of a better policy than silence. I have a knife in my right upper pocket, a set of weighted gloves in my left and right lower pockets, a set of keys in my left upper pocket, a wallet in my right lower pocket, and a lighter in my upper left. They can't exactly do me much good up here, but I figure it's probably better you know now than find out when you release me…"

"I don't know what half of those are," she told me. "If that's what you carry with you when you sleep, maybe it's a good thing I kept you up there…" I couldn't help but smile at that. "Now, though, stop talking. I want the others to see you as I first did, with no bias of your words. I'll use their judgments as a basis for what the rest of the world will see."

I sighed and nodded my assent. Again, it was a brief wait. It wasn't long before a copper pony with golden hair and green eyes ran in, half-way knocking the door down. She was… wearing a cowboy hat. _They have a talking dragon. Why not add clothes?_ I saw her hair and tail were tied off at the ends.

"What's the emergency, Twilight?" the new pony asked, fixing me with a rancid glare. "Is this critter here doing something to hurt you? Looks like you got it trussed up real tight." Her accent was extremely southern.

I gave her a look, then closed my eyes and tried to relax a bit. "No, he's not a threat right now. But I want some other opinions on him before I let him down. I'll tell you more when the others get here," Twilight told her.

This time, the wait was almost instantaneous. I might have fallen asleep, I was so tired. Suddenly, a blast of wind set me rocking in my invisible binds. I opened my eyes to find a set of dark pink irises glaring at me. I tried to recoil, and managed to open my eyes wide enough to find the set of eyes fixed on me were attached to a pony. My shock was still registering when I noticed she had wings. _Talking ponies, unicorns, dragons, and now a bloody pegasus_? What other surprises await me? I gave the newcomer a relaxed grin, trying to look disarming. I saw she was mostly blue, with a rainbow colored mane. _Rainbow Dash, I presume?_

"Aw, this thing doesn't look so scary to me," the one I thought to be Rainbow Dash said with much brashness. "It looks about harmless. No strong hooves, no horn, its teeth are small enough. I don't know why you need us here."

"Looks can be deceiving," Twilight said. "There's something about this one that I don't trust just yet."

"I feel it too," Applejack muttered. "Something about his eyes that seem off. Fluttershy, you're used to dealing with animals. What can you tell us about it?"

I didn't even notice the other pony there, she was so quiet and unassuming. She was a bright yellow, with a flowing pink mane. She was looking at me with a curious but fearful gaze. I saw she also had wings. Applejack had to prod her to get her to speak up, and then she spoke so quietly I almost couldn't hear her. "He scares me," she started.

"Doesn't take much to do that," Rainbow joked at her. Twilight motioned her to stop, and looked at Fluttershy to continue.

"There's something about him that seems unnatural. I've never seen anything like him and I've been dealing with animals most of my life. I think it's a good thing you have him restrained, Twilight." Her voice was soft as silk, I noticed. I could see where she got her name. She was so quiet, so shy, and her wings looked dainty. I could imagine her fluttering about the sky like a little butterfly.

"Spike, you have anything to add?" Twilight asked him, seeing his incredulous looks between Applejack and Fluttershy.

"It just doesn't seem fair to condemn him so quickly," he said. "He's done nothing to us but look odd and be weird. Haven't we learned our lesson about that from Zecora?" They all had the decency to look abashed, whoever Zecora was.

Twilight was the first to break the silence. "I wasn't entirely honest with you all, when you got here. Our… guest… can speak." Amid their odd looks, she continued. "Navarone, say something."

I was about bursting to say something, with all their innate condemnations of me. "You know I'm intelligent and educated, Twilight. You also know I am what _you _decided to summon. It's not my fault that I'm here. Given the choice, I'd happily be back in my bed, which you were so kind to rip me out of. I've been honest with you up until now." _Mostly_. "I told you what I have with me, and how tired I am. I don't know why I should say anything more until you decide what to do with me, unless you want to hold me here as an exhibit for your friends." I said this last bit with an added burst of hostility, and a few glares for the ponies that were now staring at me with a mix of horror and fascination.

They were silent for some moments. Applejack was the first to break the silence. "You know, sugarcube, he's right," she said. "If what he said is true, then it ain't fair to keep him up there."

Rainbow Dash quickly added her two cents. "Applejack is right. I say let him down. If he tries anything, we can take him."

Fluttershy was silent, and was looking as though she was trying to find something or someone to hide behind. Twilight deliberated for a minute or two.

"I guess I should tell you all the whole story, then…" She spent a few minutes recounting the tale of my conjuration, most of what I said, and about the gear I had secreted about me. "I don't want to hold him forever, and the princess did give me leave to do as I felt was right, but the spell was made to summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Should we really risk letting him go?"

_So much for not biasing them…_

"We could leash him," suggested Rainbow. I gave her the nastiest glare I could, and she had the grace to look away, blushing slightly. "Never mind…"

"I've already said I have no intention of hurting anyone. If you won't believe me now then I doubt you ever will. I refuse to be part of a zoo, so if you don't plan on releasing me soon you might as well gore me to death with that pretty little horn you have there," I said to Twilight. She looked sick at the thought of goring something, and turned slightly greenish. The others appeared shocked that I would even suggest something like that. Fluttershy started making little whimpering noises.

I could tell she might be my ticket to freedom. The others seemed to trust her judgment more than each other. I could use that. I looked at her imploringly. She flinched. "Fluttershy, I can tell you're not one to hurt any living thing. Could you live with yourself if you let them keep me here, pinned and friendless? I am no criminal, nor have I done anything to hurt anything in this world. I just got here, and you all seem innately against me, just because I'm different. You may think I'm dangerous, but would you rather trust a spell or your own eyes?"

I am not good at begging for my life. It was a first for me, and admittedly not my best moment.

The ensuing silence lasted a while. I did my best to look as innocent and downtrodden as I could, trying to get Fluttershy or one of the others to feel some kind of pity. I hated the act.

Twilight was the first to speak up. "I think we need to talk about this, away from him. Spike, watch him. If he starts breaking free, make as much noise as you can and we'll be there right away." With that, the ponies walked out of the library, trying to keep as much space between me and them as possible. I was left with the dragon.

"Tell me true, son. What are my chances for getting out of this mess?" I asked him. He looked at me, startled.

"Son? What? Anyway, you're gonna be fine. I don't think anypony here would hurt you for no reason. I don't know when they'll let you go, but they won't hurt you," he told me. "How about you tell me about your humans?"

I sighed, and delved straight into a long lecture about political theories, comparing democracy, despotism, and monarchies and how they would fare under the economic systems of capitalism, communism, and socialism. He quickly shushed me, and we waited in silence.

After what felt like an eternity, the ponies came back in. Fluttershy looked terrified, Applejack and Rainbow Dash looked determined, and Twilight looked… resigned. I had a good feeling.

"Don't make any sudden movements," Twilight warned me. That was all I got before being unceremoniously dropped to the floor. I landed hard and did my best to force my weary knees to catch me.

I slowly straightened my back, loudly popping it as it cracked into a straight line. I saw that I stood at least a head over the ponies, and around three feet over the little dragon. I folded my arms over my chest and stood calmly, awaiting their next move.

"I would ask that you empty your pockets. If you want us to give you any degree of freedom, we can't have you walking around with anything dangerous," Twilight told me.

Sighing slightly, I did as she asked. There was not a table near me, so I knelt down and emptied my pockets. There was a nice little collection in front of me. I jumped a little as Twilight's horn started glowing and the objects drifted off the floor and slowly sailed towards her. "I wouldn't play with some of those, if I were you. You might get hurt," I warned.

She took my hint and moved them to a small table at the edge of the room. "We'll go over them later, I guess. For now, we have to decide what to do with you. It's getting late, and I really don't want to leave you with any means of hurting anypony…"

I did my best to look hurt. "Come now, lass. I've done everything you asked, and offered a bit more. I didn't have to tell you about my tools, and I could have fled as soon as you dropped me. No offense to your friends, but you would be hard pressed to stop me if I really wanted to get away. You have nothing to fear from me, as long as you continue to treat me fair."

Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked a bit insulted at my estimations of their worth, and Fluttershy paled even more.

Spike quickly spoke up in my defense, oddly enough. "Twilight, I really don't think he wants to hurt us. I say we let him stay here, at least for the night. We have an extra bed, after all." I could see this kid was really going to be useful.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren't very happy with that plan. "You want to leave him in the middle of Ponyville?" Applejack asked. I snorted at the name of the town. "We could easily take him to my place in the fields. If he turns out to be dangerous after all, we'll be in a much better area in which to stop him."

Rainbow Dash looked at me askance, before turning her eyes back on Twilight. "Better than that, you could use that spell on him to make him able to walk on clouds, then I could take him to my place and leave him there for the night. There would literally be nowhere for him to go, or anypony for him to hurt."

Twilight took a second to consider. "Moving him would be too risky. Too many ponies around. If they see him, they might panic, or ask questions we don't have time to answer yet. Both of those plans are good possibilities for later, if we need them, but for now they wouldn't quite work. There's nothing for it but to leave him here and hope he sticks to his word…"

I smiled triumphantly. "However," she continued, "I wouldn't mind the company, if you two wanted to stay here and help me watch him. Fluttershy, you're welcome to go home; you haven't been able to look at him easily since I let him down."

Fluttershy looked at her, a bit flustered. "I'll stay here, just in case. I won't let my friends down, and there might still be something I can do." The others, not to be outdone by this quiet pony's easy assent, quickly added their voices to hers in confirming their readiness to watch over me.

"Come now, ladies, there's no real need to guard me this much. I already said I intend no damage, and I always keep my word," I told them. They gave me that typical woman look. _At least some things never change_. I sighed and said offhanded to Spike, "Where I come from, there are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works." He burst out laughing, and I got at least a smile out of Rainbow Dash before she quickly smoothed her face. I snapped my fingers in defeat. "Fine, watch me if you must. I see it'll be hard to earn your trust."

I won't go over the details, but it was a long and boring night. I couldn't get much sleep, as they insisted on leaving lights on to watch me. It was just another typical night of restlessness for me, though they all looked weak and weary even after the sun rose.

There was a window in the room in which we slept. Through it I watched the moon sink and the sun rise through the long night. Shadows played over the walls through what I later realized were leaves. It turns out I was inside a giant tree. When the sun rose proper, I was able to get a good look at the land in which I was now a permanent resident.

I had never seen a more colorful landscape. Flowers littered the ground in seemingly random jumbles. The grass was a beautiful and vibrant shade of green. The buildings were elegantly designed with maximum aesthetic appeal in mind. They glowed with every shade of color I could imagine. Looking at the sky, I could see a few pegasi in the clouds, looking like they were trying to push the clouds around.

Before I could notice many more details, I was pulled back from the window. I turned to see Twilight appear to shrug before saying, "Sorry, but I don't want to risk anypony seeing you just yet." I stepped back to the other side of the room.

"What's the agenda today? More interrogations, or are you just going to deliberate what to do with me?" I asked her. "And…" I felt my stomach shift, "I don't suppose you have any food that I would be able to eat?"

"After your good behavior last night," she said. I snorted. "—we were thinking of introducing you to two of my other friends," she continued. "And my friend Applejack brought you some—Wait. What _can _you eat?"

"Fruit. Meat." She shuddered at that and looked at me with an expression I was beginning to recognize at fear. "Some vegetables. What do ponies eat?"

She looked happier to be explaining something. "Fruit, vegetables, grass, flowers. Some of us even eat leaves, but we prefer not to talk about them… So you eat meat?"

"I can eat it, yes," I said. "But it is also possible for humans to live without it." Though it sucks when you have to. "With Spike as an assistant, I don't know why you would find it so hard to accept something that does eat it."

"Spike doesn't eat meat," she answered, looking at me with something else in her face. _Disgust, perhaps_.

_What the fuck kind of dragon doesn't eat meat?_ I shrugged. "You said your friend Applejack brought me something. I'm willing to bet my useless money that she brought me apples?" Twilight nodded. "I can eat apples, assuming they're the same apples we have in our world." Twilight sagged slightly and gave me what I assume was a smile.

I raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She tried searching my face for something, but gave up. I felt the same way; I have no idea how to read a pony face. "Come on down to the main room," she said. "They're already here."

I followed her to the staircase and we descended into the foyer. I heard two astonished gasps.

"Oh my word, what is that… thing?" one of the new ponies said. She was another unicorn, I saw. Her main body was dead white, with a bright purple mane and tail. Her dark blue eyes looked at me with barely disguised fear.

The other reaction was not so rude, though it was just as startling. It was a very surprised squeal and a very fast uttering of words that I had no chance at all of interpreting. I saw this one was pink, with a darker pink mane that was rather massively curly. Her light blue eyes stared at me with glee.

I glared at the white one. "Nice to meet you too, tutz. I guess you learned your manners guarding a concentration camp?"

She had the grace to look ashamed, at least. I probably shouldn't have been so harsh, but sleep deprivation gave my words a sharper edge. Though, thinking about it, they probably had no idea what a concentration camp was…

Twilight cleared her throat. "Pinkie Pie, Rarity, this is Navarone. He is my… guest. He's a human."

I bowed mockingly.

"I'm sorry for my… outburst. I've just never seen anything like you," Rarity said.

"Consider it forgotten," I told her. "Where I come from, the exchange we had would not have needed apologizing, as our faults canceled each other out. I suppose I need to learn new rules here."

Pinkie had stopped her loud intonation. "What are you gonna do with him, Twilight? Can we keep him? Huh, huh?"

I could tell it was going to be a long day.

One long, long day later, I was still not that much closer to many answers. Apparently, these ponies had more technology than their simple accommodations gave them credit for. Twilight led me and her friends down to a cellar full of science equipment, and started to hook me up to some of it. I was feeling decidedly uncomfortable about the situation, and decided to make my position known.

"We're just running some tests," Twilight told me. "We have to make sure you don't have anything in you that might make us sick or unhealthy. Some of the containment spells I cast on you when you were summoned will be wearing off soon, and I don't want to risk anything. Cooperating will make us more willing to trust you."

Suddenly, a lightning bolt shot up and down my spine. "Oooh, that's what that does!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I was left speechless, smoking slightly, my hair thrown about.

Spitting out a bit of smoke, I managed to find my voice. "Son of a bitch! Don't. Do. That. Again. Why would you keep something like that in your bloody lab anyway?"

I could see Rainbow Dash struggling not to laugh at my disheveled appearance, but the others seemed a bit taken aback, either at my voice or the Pinkie Pie's rashness.

"Well, excuse me for being curious!" the pink one said. "It's not like you were seriously hurt."

"That's actually not supposed to happen," Twilight said. "In fact, I don't know how she did it." Seeing Pinkie Pie move to show her, Twilight quickly added, "And don't show me how it's done, either. I don't want him to turn violent…"

The rest of the testing went relatively smoothly, though I must admit a few of the tests had me a bit flustered. Some of their comments on the anatomical differences were also a bit… disconcerting. From their comments, I'd put these ponies at the age of young adults, maybe equivalent to our twenty year olds. All female, of course, aside from Spike. It was, as I said, a long day.

"So, as far as I can tell, you're healthy. I don't know much—well, anything—about human physiology, but you look okay, even after that nasty shock," Twilight told me.

It was nearing night again, and her friends actually left. I was surprised, and said as much.

"We're a trusting species," she told me. "Don't abuse our trust, and we'll get along fine. Besides, from some of your actions today, you seem like a decent sort. And from what I was able to tell of your condition from some of the other… tests," she said, blushing slightly, "you're hardly in a position to harm us, not without some kind of weapon."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said, flatly. "Now how am I to defend myself if you decide I am some kind of threat? Should I just roll over and accept death?"

"To answer the first question, you are obviously a threat. Just probably not to us, unless, as Pinkie demonstrated, we do something to anger or hurt you. Most ponies wouldn't do that. To answer the second, that would hopefully be your opinion on the matter, yes."

Not what I wanted to hear, precisely, but you can't always get what you want. Christ, but I was finding that out faster than most Africans do at a Red Cross aid station. Oh, and if I hadn't mentioned, I'm a terrible person. Usually.

The next morning found me sleeping in for quite a while. God help me, but the sleep deprivation was finally wearing off. I could feel myself returning to normal.

It was miserable. There's a reason, aside from school, that I keep myself so deprived. As I have said before, I'm a terrible person. Sleep deprivation gives me a decent excuse for this, and makes it somewhat understandable.

Then a realization hit me. My home quite literally did not exist at that moment, what with me being in another dimension or something. I could be anyone I wanted to be, as long as I could live with myself. No more putting on airs… I figured eighteen years wasn't too long to permanently ingrain a sense of self into someone. Is it?

It was with that thought that I got out of the guest bed. I was in a relatively good mood for the first time in a while, which should have been the first sign of something bad about to come.

Twilight was waiting for me in the main room of her little hovel. Rarity was there with her, annoyingly. Not so much annoying as—well, fuck it. I said I was changing, so here it is: That pony gets on my nerves, raw and plain.

"Rarity is our chief fashion designer here in Ponyville. Since it looks like you're going to be here for the duration, it's important that you have something else to wear. Or at least, it's probably important to you. I honestly don't think it matters to most ponies. We wouldn't know the difference anyway," Twilight said.

"Besides, what you came here in is so… Ugh. Twilight doesn't want you seen outside this building yet, so I had to bring all my measuring tools here. I do hope you'll accept her offer. I would love the challenge, and the credit of being the first to design clothing for the newest discovered species!"

"I would love to accept, but I see a few problems. First, I have no way to pay for the labor. It hardly seems fair, in my mind. Second, don't you dare dress me up as a pompous twit. Keep it simple, lass. I don't know if you know how to make denim, but otherwise direct copies of my shirt and pants would be good. There's no way I'll blend in with the crowds, but that doesn't mean I have to stick out like a bloody sore thumb. If anyone asks why you didn't design better clothes, just tell them that this is the fashion back where I come from, and hope the fools don't decide to copy it."

She seemed a bit taken aback by my tirade, and possibly insulted. "I'm not quite certain what a twit is, but you can be certain nothing I dress you up in will make you look like one. And keeping it simple? Bah! That's what a laypony is for. I'm here to dress you up like what you are: The one and only member of a species no one has ever seen before! The mystery, the intrigue!" Her voice dropped, her lower lips quivered, and her eyes got big and teary at this next bit: "You wouldn't deny poor little me the opportunity of a lifetime, would you?"

I looked at her for a second before bursting out in laughter. "Fashion means nothing to me, lass. I don't care what everyone else is doing or what most of them think. As I said, if you're going to make me anything, keep it simple."

I honestly thought she was going to call me a heathen and try to strike me down. Sadly, Twilight stepped in. "I think what he means, Rarity, is that he doesn't want to cause too much of a scene. His appearance will already cause quite a bit of stir. No reason to make it worse unnecessarily."

Rarity still looked ready to fight, but one look at the combined front of reason made her sigh with resignation and get to work measuring me.

I will admit, she did a fine and thorough job of it, especially for having no hands. Magic has its uses, I suppose.

"Now, about payment, or something of that nature," I began. I didn't get any farther.

"Don't worry about it," I was told. I shrugged. _Your fault I'm here anyway_, I thought. _Still, doesn't feel right._

Noticing their looks, I figured I would have to explain some human mannerisms. "Shrugging is basically a way of saying 'whatever.'" They were still confused. "Whatever is basically a way of saying 'okay, have it your way.'" That, they understood. Bloody women.

Measurements done, Rarity trundled away, muttering unpleasant things under her breath. As the door closed, I turned to Twilight. "She really didn't like that, did she?"

"She likes getting her way, and she lives for fashion. Meeting somepony who doesn't, and is willing to stick by that position, unnerved her and made her angry. You should be happy she didn't fight the issue," she told me.

"So, what's next on the agenda?" I asked. "Surely you have some other cruel or unusual test you need to run on me, or something else planned."

Sadly, she didn't rise to the bait. She was learning. "Next, you have a meeting with the mayor. Since you still can't exactly go wandering around Ponyville, she'll have to come here. That means you get to help me clean up. Seeing as how you have thumbs, it shouldn't be that hard."

"You have magic. Why can't you just magic the place clean?" I asked.

"There is no spell strong enough that could clean up this train wreck," she told me. I think she was exaggerating, myself. It's probably a good thing she couldn't see my room as I left it behind. Of course, if she had been able to see it, she probably wouldn't have seconded me to help clean…

"And where is your faithful helper in all this?" I asked. "Surely he knows better where all these books go than I would."

"He's talking to the mayor, actually. It's hard to tell her why I'm bringing her here without making it seem like I've done something worth everypony being here for or a waste of her time. So, get to cleaning."

I'll skip the cleaning. It was boring, though I did find they had a shitty categorical system. While we were cleaning, I learned a bit more about this world. I already knew about Celestia and Luna, but apparently the ponies here believed they raised and lowered the sun and moon. Now, in my world the sun rises and lowers by itself, and I wouldn't be so surprised to learn Celestia and Luna were lying about controlling them so they could force the ponies to keep them in power.

That said, I'm not stupid enough to mention it. If my suspicions _were _true, my head might end up on a chopping block for speaking out about it. Besides, Twilight's a talking unicorn that can do magic. For all I knew, it actually was true that they controlled the sun and moon. I didn't believe it myself, but it wasn't my place to say anything.

I mentioned the shitty categorical system to Twilight when we were finished. "Why don't you have a standard categorizing system for books?"

"We do have a system!" she said. "Every so often, I pull all the books off the shelves and put them where I think they should go. That way I'll always know where they are."

"…This is a library, you said."

"Yep! The only one in Ponyville!"

"And you're the only librarian?"

"Uh-huh. Spike helps out a bit too, of course."

"And you don't see any problem with the fact that no one else can find a book but you or Spike?"

"Why would there be a problem?"

"What if someone wanted to check out a book but couldn't find it? Or what if they knew where a book was one day and wanted to come back to get it later, but couldn't find it in the same spot and gave up?"

"Well, how do you humans organize books?"

I explained the Dewey Decimal System. About a quarter of the way into it her mouth dropped. About halfway into it she had me start over so she could take notes.

"That's genius, Navarone!" she said when I finished. "Why did we never think of that?"

I shrugged. "Took us a while, too. Probably why the heathens burned the Library of Alexandria; they couldn't find the children's section."

Her mouth dropped. "Somepony _burned _a library in your world?"

"Not _a _library, Twilight, _the _library. There were scrolls in that place that were thousands of years old. All of mankind's knowledge in one place, all lost when the barbarians put it to the torch. Damn shame. Now we keep just about everything on computers, though we still have libraries out and about." I could tell I piqued her interest, and hid a smile. _Well, Twilight isn't suspicious of me anymore._

I'll also skip the meeting with the mayor. It was much the same as my meeting with Twilight's friends, though it did involve more promises not to hurt anyone without a very, very good reason. It was a very unpleasant conversation. I swear, these ponies thought I was the devil or something.

The rest of the day passed with little incident, though I was never really able to make good on that promise to change. I tried to be a better person, but every time I saw a chance for a good one liner, I plugged it in. If you… know what I mean. I did, at least, remove most of my sex jokes. Not like those ponies would have gotten those anyway. Or at least, I don't think they would.

The next day brought me sleeping in quite a bit less. Thankfully, the effects of sleep deprivation don't hit the young as bad as they do the old. I was mostly over it by that point, and I started noticing more and more.

The first thing I had a chance to notice when I woke up was a very large and very blue set of eyes right in my face. I won't lie, I jumped. And yelled an obscenity. Pinkie Pie's reaction was funnier, admittedly. She started hiccupping when I yelled. Have you ever seen a horse hiccup? Funniest thing I ever saw. We both started laughing.

"So, aside from being creepy, why were you staring at me while I slept?" I asked her when that little episode was over.

"Well, I was going to apologize for shocking you, but then I saw you sleeping, and then I realized that I'd never seen a human sleeping before, and I wanted to see how different it would be from a pony sleeping, so I was watching you while you slept!"

All that came out in a rather quick tirade. It was a bit disquieting. "Well, what did you discover? Am I that different from a pony?"

"Oh, yes! Your face is all squished and flat! Also, your eyes are super small, and are a very dark green instead of the bright colors most ponies have. I didn't notice that while you were sleeping, though…"

"Pinkie… you are a little random, aren't you? Also, apology accepted. Accidents happen, I suppose. Hell, I'm here because of one. So, does Twilight know you're up here? Or did you manage to sneak past her oppressive guard?"

"I would hardly consider her oppressive, but she does know I'm here."

"Not oppressive to you, maybe, but I've been cramped in this bloody library since I got here. Does she actually live here, or is she just staying here?"

As she started to answer, I noticed her tail start to spaz out. I thought it was having a seizure or something, and asked her about it.

As soon as I mentioned it, she squawked and looked around for something to duck under. Just as she jumped under a table and I took the hint and fell off the bed, the window exploded and a blue mass went crashing into the far wall.

"Jesus!" I yelled. "What the hell was that?" Seeing Rainbow Dash twitching against the wall, I rushed over to check her for injuries. Surprisingly, despite crashing through several branches, a glass window, and crashing into a wall at a speed so fast that I couldn't even register what she was, the pony was somehow completely undamaged. Not a feather out of place.

"How the hell are you not broken?" I asked her. "What you just did should have had you scratched to hell and probably smashed into the bloody wall!"

"I'm used to it," she said. "They used to call me Rainbow Crash back in school…"

_Note to self: Never accept a ride from these ponies. Jesus._

Pinkie Pie was digging her way out of the wreckage around the table as Twilight started running up the stairs to see what was amiss. She just sighed when she saw her window. "Another new window… Thanks, Rainbow Dash."

"Sorry, Twilight…" she muttered. "You know how it is."

"So… is this a normal occurrence in Ponyland? I'm not certain I want to sleep in a room with a window if it is," I said. "Christ, I don't even know how she isn't a broken mess! You ponies must be more resilient than a bloody jet."

They were confused by jets. I just waved them on, telling them to forget it. No use explaining tech they still wouldn't understand.

"I don't crash that often!" protested Rainbow Dash. "Besides, I totally planned that anyway!"

"Yeah. Sure you did," I said, somewhat resigned and rubbing my temple slightly. _So much for being a better person…_ "Sorry if I seem a bit… testy. I've been trapped inside for the past few days, completely separated from any chance of ever seeing my home again, trapped here in a world where things thought impossible are apparently commonplace, with a load of personalities that are very different from mine. It will take some… adjustment, I suppose. Though, thinking about it, you likely wouldn't know the difference from a testy me and a normal me."

"We understand, Navarone. I've been looking for a spell to send you back, but there's nothing about it in any of my books. I even asked Princess Celestia to look into it, but she has reported no luck. As far as I can tell, you're stuck here…" Twilight said.

"So, what's on today's agenda?" I sighed.

I can understand if some readers—of which there shouldn't be, unless I'm dead—might think I was taking this entire thing rather well. At the time, I still hadn't discounted the chance that it was all a dream from when I had fallen asleep. I also hadn't—and still haven't, for that matter—discounted the fact that I might possibly be insane.

Either way, sleep deprivation and probably shock were keeping me functioning. That and I've always been very passive anyway. Things happen. You can't undo them. Just learn to go with the flow. Sometimes it's hard to think that, though. But this… Who knows?

Anyway, the clothes were done. And apparently, Rarity has a bloody hard time taking instructions.

"Rarity, you seem too smart to be unable to take simple instructions. Why, I wonder, did you make me clothes that go completely against what I asked you to make? I understand we didn't quite get off the most… understandable… start, but that's no reason to torture me with your vibrant messes," I told her.

She was not at all pleased with my choice of words, but took great pains to hide her anger. "Because fashion cannot be dictated by one pony… or human, I suppose. I simply _couldn't_ let you go on to wear more of what you are now! It would be a disgrace to my profession!"

"You are a very dramatic pony. I suppose you never thought that perhaps I wanted to go against your pony fashions? That perhaps, in doing so, I would create a counter fashion that all the ponies in the know would rush to copy? In my world, if a guest from another world came by, the bloody cattle in charge of fashion would rush to copy his every stitch. I figured your fashion industry is run the same way. What better chance would I have to be accepted here if I—seemingly accidentally—started an entire fashion trend based off human designs?" I didn't exactly feel right lying, but I was starting to just not care at all. Again.

"Your fashion industry is run by cows? I thought only humans could talk in your world!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. I jumped when she spoke up; honestly, I thought she had left. She was being uncharacteristically quiet, looking over the books on the shelves.

"Figure of speech, lass. Figure of speech…" I said. _God, these ponies are going to drive me to bloody drink. Doubt they even have booze here…_

During that small exchange, Rarity was mulling over what I said. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, quite like a fish. It was… satisfying.

Finally, she said, "I think I see your point, actually. Surprisingly… I don't know why I didn't think of it! If you had just told me why you wanted me to create such _hideous _things, I would have done so with a clear conscience."

"Not that I really mind pony fashion, now that I see some of what you've made. Still, I would rather flee back to the familiar than fly to the clutches of the new. No reason to waste the cloth, if you can't reuse it. If it can't be recycled, I'll at least hold on to these and wear them on special occasions, or something," I told her. The beaming smile I got back almost made me regret lying earlier.

I stopped almost regretting in with what came next, of course. "You simply _must _try them all on!" she exhorted. _Give a mouse a cookie._

"Nay, lass. I'm sure Twilight has something else planned for me this day. Something long and dreadful that you wouldn't want to be around for."

"Welllll," Twilight started. I flashed her a look and she took the hint. "Yes, actually. Run along, Rarity. I'm sure your work will fit him just fine."

"But _Twilight_!" Rarity started, before being unceremoniously bundled out the door.

I sighed in relief, but jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke up again. "Now we can talk about your Welcome to Ponyville Party!"

_What_. I gave Twilight a look. She answered me with a shake of her head. I turned to Pinkie. "I'm allergic to parties."

Every bone in her body jerked as she shot her entire body toward me. Her eyes went so wide that by all rights they should have popped out. It scared the shit out of me. "What. Did. You. Say," she uttered in a voice that should have had me quivering in fear.

"Parties. I'm allergic to them. Deathly so, I'm afraid." That was a lie, by the way. I don't think that's possible. "I'm afraid having a party for me would be simply impossible."

She seemed to withdraw in on herself. She was muttering something, looking deep in thought. Twilight was giving me an intrigued look. "Humans can be allergic to parties?" she asked. "What else can you be allergic to?"

"We can talk about it later, Twilight. I think Pinkie has something else she needs to say."

She did, apparently. "I know I can't throw you a party… but would cupcakes make up for it?"

"How about muffins instead? I prefer them and I don't really like icing."

Her mouth dropped. I thought for a second that I broke her. Her eyes seemed to glaze over. Twilight was looking at me with fear in her eyes. I was about to say something when Pinkie jerked again. "We'll see about _that_," she finally said. I had a feeling that I had made a very big mistake. She pulled something from somewhere—I don't know where, I guess her poofy hair—and threw it on the ground, making a cloud of pink smoke. When it dissipated, she was gone.

I seem to be getting a lot of practice with long-suffering sighs, lately. Something told me that this was only the beginning.

"You're sure this is a good idea? It's not too late to just kill me and sweep my corpse under the rug, you know," I whispered.

"Killing you would make too much of a mess, and would ruin all the effort you put into cleaning this place," Twilight whispered back. She was getting used to my kind of humor. I didn't know if that was good or bad. "Besides, it's not like we're going to be giving you a grand entrance. You're just going outside, and anypony that wants to ask, will. Then I'll have to explain that you're an interdimensional being that I accidentally summoned and that you are part of the most dangerous species anywhere."

"Gee, when you put it that way, I'm sure everything will go just fine. Tell me again about what happened with that zebra, and how well the town took it. At least a zebra is pony shaped!" I said.

"If I didn't know any better, I would say you were nervous. I was thinking you were too calm and collected for that!"

"Imagine it from my point of view: You're a one of a kind species on a world where you are not supposed to exist. You are about to be introduced to a group of people that have never seen anything like you before, and know nothing about you other than that you look different and are probably a predator. These people are herbivores. Your life expectancy depends on how this first contact will go. And the one person you think you can trust is thinking about telling the people you're about to meet that you are probably among the most dangerous beings ever. Even if you are incredibly dangerous, that has a nerve-wracking quality to it. Especially if you're extremely dangerous, but have access to almost none of the tools that make you that way."

She had nothing to say to that. "Just remember the plan," she said. "Now, are you ready?"

"No," I replied, and pushed the door open to the bright world beyond.

"It is my opinion as the ambassador to the human race," Twilight began a few hours later, "that it could have been worse."

"You need to learn to lie better. We'll have to work on that," I told her. Admittedly, she wasn't wrong. I could be dead right now, or completely ostracized. I can't really say it was that _bad_, really. Some people—people, ponies, whatever—just don't know how to stick to a bloody plan.

The plan was simple. Twilight and I decided that it would be best if the residents of Ponyville saw me together with respected ponies, talking and laughing and whatnot. We were going to make a circuit of the town, meeting with each of Twilight's friends and moving on after a short while, answering questions as they were asked. Simple enough, right?

No plan ever survives first contact with the enemy, I've always heard. I was hoping to be an exception. That's what I get for hoping.

It started innocently enough. I was kind enough to give Rainbow Dash a lesson in thermodynamics and forces that confused everyone within earshot, but sounded friendly and amiable enough. She even managed to use some of my suggestions to speed herself up, though it looked bad for me when she ended up going too fast and lost control. I had to explain to the shocked onlookers more physics than most college students are trained in. Twilight rushed me off before I was able to finish.

Our next stop was Rarity's villa. On the way there I tried to explain to Twilight some of the heftier things I was telling the crowd. I was honestly quite surprised at her grasp of it. I know she's smart and all, but understanding physics without seeing it worked out is something else. But I digress: Rarity's villa. I'll admit, I grimaced when I saw it. The place was so… garish. Some of the witnesses saw my expression and visibly shuddered.

This stop went a little better. Rarity was told to keep business low that day, to facilitate the meeting. I'm not a fan of tea parties, but at least I managed not to screw it up. It was going good, until a freak show walked through the front door, throwing drama left and right. I heard something about the fashion industry before Twilight and I were thrown out the back door. That looked somewhat suspicious, and we got a few odd stares.

Pinkie Pie was next.

Pinkie Pie… I didn't much care for her at the time. Sure, she was incredibly nice and kind and all that fun stuff, but she was just too… too much. Too chipper. Too happy. Too much in love with icing.

When Twilight and I got to the bakery she works at, the lights immediately shut off. A single spotlight showed us a table with three chairs. If it had been night, I would have called this creepy. But since this was day and the windows were open, the lights being off did nothing. We were able to perfectly see Pinkie standing next to the light switches, watching us with a disturbing smile.

Twilight face-hoofed. "Pinkie, what are you doing?"

Pinkie's eyes darted left and right. When she saw us still looking at her, she covered her eyes with a hoof. A moment later she peeked out to see us still staring. I crossed my arms. "Ugh, just sit down!" Twilight and I did as she said, sitting at the table indicated.

When we looked back over to Pinkie's spot, she had disappeared. "So what's this all about?" I asked.

"I have no idea. You were supposed to show her how to bake something from your world. I guess… I guess she had something else in mind?"

I felt something tighten around my eyes and I went blind. I immediately shot a hand to the blindfold and pulled it off. Another one replaced it. I took it off. Another went up. I stood up and removed it, glaring behind me. I saw Pinkie next to a large stack of fabric that wasn't there when I sat down. "Can I help you?" I asked in a harsh voice.

"Yes! Sit down and let me blindfold you."

"That doesn't sound very enjoyable. How about we not do that?"

"Psh. Silly, that's not how it works!"

"Twilight?"

"Pinkie, what are you doing? I'm sure if you explain it, Navarone will be more willing to cooperate."

"Well, I remember him saying that he didn't like icing or cupcakes as much as muffins, so I'm planning on proving him wrong! I'm going to blindfold him and force-feed him muffins and cupcakes until he agrees that my cupcakes are better than Derpy's muffins!"

"I don't know who Derpy is, but I really don't like icing. I don't mind the actual cupcakes, as long as they don't have icing on them." I shrugged. "Too sugary for me."

Pinkie jerked back and muttered something that I swear sounded like "Blasphemy." I didn't really care, though

"So… why don't we just go with the original plan?" Twilight asked. "Navarone doesn't seem to like icing, and if he says it's too sugary, it's too sugary. We don't know what his human body and taste buds are like, Pinkie."

"Then let's test them! Now if you would just sit down and let me blindfold you, we can begin."

"I'm willing to do half of those, and that's the half that doesn't involve blinding me. You're really making this overly difficult."

"Me? I'm not the one that's making this difficult. You're the one that's refusing to let me blindfold you!"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie, don't blindfold Nav. Nav, sit down. We have a schedule to follow and if we don't follow it we'll be late. If we're late, Nav won't be able to get everywhere and if he can't get everywhere he won't be accepted!"

We both looked at her oddly. "I don't think that's how it works," Pinkie said. "If he'd just let me throw him a party all of Ponyville would meet him!"

"I'm allergic to parties, remember?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure we could find some lotion or something!"

"Deathly allergic," I said. "As in, I would die."

"At least you would die smiling!"

"There are other ways I'd rather die, thank you."

Twilight looked a bit intrigued at that. "What does your culture have to say about death?" she asked.

"I think we can talk about that later. I'm pretty sure we still have to deal with Pinkie. So, are you going to not blindfold me?"

Pinkie looked at the piece of cloth she had in her hooves. With a sigh she let it fall. "Fine. But you're still going to try my cupcakes!"

_Dammit_. "Fine. I'll try a maximum of three."

She rocketed off to the kitchen as I joined Twilight at the table again. "So…" she said.

"If I end up living here, am I going to have to put up with that often?"

She sighed. "Pinkie's gonna Pinkie." I blinked. That wasn't something I expected Twilight to say.

I didn't have time to answer. Pinkie came bustling out of the kitchen, pulling a cart lined with at least fifty cupcakes.

"Okay, that would literally make me sick to eat," I said. "It's a good thing you two are sharing."

Pinkie stopped the cart at our table at set out several trays of cupcakes. Each one was unique. "Good lord. I thought we were going to be eating cupcakes, not art," I said, looking at them.

"Silly, cupcakes _are _art! All the more reason to like them!" She grabbed one and shoved it into her mouth.

"That was kind of horrifying," I commented. "How about you not do that again?"

"How else am I supposed to eat them?" she asked after swallowing it whole.

"Take decent sized bites? Or at the very least chew before you swallow? Or," I asked, turning to Twilight, "do ponies not need to chew?"

"Most of us do," she said. "Pinkie's just… special."

"Now when you say special—"

"Dig in, Navi!" Pinkie yelled, shoving a cupcake across the table at me.

"Hey listen, please don't call me that." I picked the cupcake up and looked it over. The top was saturated in pink icing. The rest of it looked normal. I sighed and took a bite. I almost gagged on the sugar, just barely managing to force it down. I finished this one off and swallowed with what felt like a grim finality. Pinkie was looking at me with such a hopeful expression. "No."

She blinked. "No?"

"No," I confirmed.

Her ears fell. "No…" She grabbed another cupcake and pushed it forward, her ears raising a bit.

"No. That almost made me throw up from how much sugar it had in it. I don't know how you can stand it."

"But… but…" She pulled that one back and pushed one with a tiny bit less icing forward.

"No." That process continued for a minute. I rejected six more.

"Perhaps I can help," Twilight said. She used her magic to pull a cupcake with almost no icing out and removed all of it. She passed the glob to Pinkie, who devoured it. She passed the cupcake to me.

I sighed and took it. I took a hesitant bite. "Edible, but only just. Even this has a ridiculous amount of sugar in it. Human bodies aren't meant to take too much sugar. We can easily get sick and even die from too much. I have no idea what the limit is, but I imagine eating a few more of these would put me there until my body started breaking the sugar down."

Pinkie looked depressed, now. "How can you live without being able to eat such tasty treats?"

"We get by on other things. I don't much care for sweets all that much anyway. My diet is already going to take a kick while I'm here, I shouldn't interrupt it any more than necessary."

"Well, what kinds of food did you used to eat back home?" Pinkie asked.

Now there's a conversation I can get into. I told her all about some of the better vegetarian dishes. Salsa, nachos, pizza, mushrooms, sautéed vegetables, all that good stuff. At the end of the conversation, we made nachos from stuff that was just lying around the bakery. It was pretty fucking awesome. By the time we left, I no longer considered Pinkie as annoying. In fact, that was pretty much the best showing all day. We departed on amiable terms, with her promising to look into the other things I mentioned.

The plan dictated that we visit Fluttershy next. This was the worst turn of the day: Fluttershy wasn't there. And while we knocked and knocked and waited and waited, the muttering in the small crowd of onlookers grew louder.

"The poor pony is so scared she won't even open the door!"

"Why won't they leave her alone? It's obvious she won't open that door."

And so on. It was… bad. I quietly suggested to Twilight that we move on. She hastily agreed. We later found out why Fluttershy wasn't there: an animal emergency came up and she was called away to deal with it. A justifiable excuse, but the rep I lost with the crowd made me wish the bloody animal she was called to deal with had just died.

Our last stop was Applejack, of course. The plan was for us to go to the farm, stay for a short time so I could help out or something, and then have her follow us back into town. We went to the farm. We stayed for a while, and that's where the problem was: I don't know shit about farming or harvesting plants. I've been on and helped with animal farms in the past. I've stolen eggs, shot snakes and raccoons, fed all kinds of animals. But I have never harvested any kind of plant. I pointed this flaw out to Twilight, and she just glossed over it. I told her I could help rebuild something there, or dig a well, or improve the roof, or anything like that. She mentioned the lack of tools, and I had to concede the point.

I will skip over the difficulties I had and just say that it was bad. Not as bad as the Fluttershy fiasco, but it was bad. I did get to help Rainbow Dash tear down the barn, which was fun, but without a sledgehammer my part in it was basically just telling her about structural weaknesses.

The rest of the plan went off without a hitch. The problem is, the rest of the plan was walking back.

"Light, but I could use a drink…" I muttered. It was a few days after my first excursion, and the populace was still getting used to me. It was slow going, though being seen outside and alone with Fluttershy helped tremendously. She wasn't well-known as a pony, but she was well respected as a friend of Twilight and for being the best at her job. Besides, if someone that seems so shy, reserved, and graceful could get along with something like me, obviously anyone else could as well.

"We're close to a river, if you want to stop and get something to drink," Fluttershy said softly. _This pony is way too nice for her own good_, I thought.

"Not what I meant. Let's just get to the objective and call it a day."

"Oh… Okay."

We walked in silence for a few moments. In the time I had been able to go outside, I had made a few observations about the environment. The first thing I noticed was how truly beautiful the entire place was. Everything was alive and vibrant. There was no smog or pollution in the air. The sun was shining, but it wasn't hot. I later learned that it was fall here at the moment.

The second thing I noticed was how all the animals seemed to get along, at least from what I was able to tell. I even saw bunnies mixing with ferrets, though I thought I sensed something underhanded going down between them. I couldn't say what, and I didn't feel like dwelling on it.

The third thing I noticed was also the most shocking and surprising: The pegasi controlled the weather. I have no idea how to explain it, but they can all move clouds and make them rain. I learned that most pegasi actually live in the clouds, as they are able to stand on clouds. When I asked Twilight about it, she seemed just as shocked to learn of conditions on Earth as I was about conditions here. She mentioned something about an everfree forest, and got an odd look on her face.

That's where we are now, by the way. Fluttershy and I were on the way to meet someone named Zecora, the zebra I mentioned before. Twilight wanted to know if Zecora had seen anything like me before, and figured it was best to let the ponies see me with Fluttershy, alone, to prove I'm harmless.

Something disturbed my reverie. I shook myself out of it and looked around. I saw that Fluttershy had stopped, and was for some reason cowering and whimpering on the ground. I had no idea why, until I turned around and saw a chicken approaching us. Then I saw its body, and froze. _What the hell_?

"C-c-c-cockatrice!" Fluttershy moaned.

"Cockatrice? Isn't that one of them critters that turns you to stone?" At her barely perceptible nod, I raised an eyebrow. "Want me to kill it? Doesn't seem that hard, as long as I don't look it in the eye."

She gave me the dirtiest look I could imagine coming from something as shy as she is.

"Hey, I'm just asking. You're the one cowering before it. We could easily just sort of, I don't know, close our eyes and skirt around it. Or you could use your animal taming powers and turn it into a friend."

"The last time I encountered a cockatrice, I was only able to beat it because it was threatening my friends!" _Well geez, that shows what you think of me…_

"Fine, we can turn back if you want. You can explain to Twilight why, though. Still say you should just let me stab it…"

One night, after another attempt to get the ponies acclimatized to me, Twilight started asking questions about Earth.

"What kind of place is your world?" was the first thing she asked.

I sighed and thought of an answer that wouldn't offend her delicate pony sensibilities. "That is a hard question to answer. I will tell you what I have told you before, as a bit of a disclaimer: I am not a normal human, in many ways. Earth… it's full of stupid people. Individually, humans are mostly decent beings, and can think well. Put them in a group and they lose both decency and the ability to think. Sadly, the world I left was designed by groups, for groups. There are decent people and there are bad people. Personally, I've always been of the opinion that the good and evil are balanced, in a way. And it can be seen in many ways. For example, I am a moral relativist. I believe that there is no definite right or wrong, and that the concepts only exist as they are viewed by individuals. One person may find stealing morally wrong, while another may find it justified, since they were able to take something another person was unable to protect. Who am I, after all, to declare one approach unilaterally wrong? I may not agree with it, but that doesn't mean it isn't right. Of course, the world is filled with people that don't agree with that idea, and as such groups form around those that think alike and they often persecute those that think differently. Countries are formed, borders are drawn, and people do their best to stick together with those that agree with them. It usually works fine. Sometimes it doesn't, and then war happens…"

"Different countries? War? Your people are not united?" I could tell it was a concept she found hard to grasp.

"Not even close. Half the world hates the other half, and no one trusts each other. There's a reason I don't hate you for stealing me away. We don't have your equivalent of Princess Celestia. Where I came from, we didn't even have a monarch. We elected our leaders. It's a good system, when your population is decently educated."

"What do you do for common protection, then? How do you deal with monsters?"

"We conquered nature a long time ago, lass. There are still a few events of animals attacking humans, but it's rare. We are more naturally violent that ponies are, it seems, and we defend ourselves better. What is more dangerous to us are the monsters inside of us. When we ran out of real dangers, we started inventing them. People are easily misled, and can be fooled into thinking something is a threat that really isn't. With the invention of TV, this was made super easy."

"What is TV? A mind control device?"

I smiled at that. "In a way, yes. It's a bit of technology that puts moving images on a screen, and sound comes out speakers on the side. There are several different things you can watch on it. Evil invention, though sadly necessary. People use them for information or entertainment."

"What was your place in the world?"

"I was a student, still. I was almost at the end of my education. I'm eighteen in human years. I don't know what that translates to in pony years. Basically, I was still learning."

"You seem very intelligent for somepony still learning. How can you say people are so stupid when you are still learning and yet know so much?"

"There are a lot of problems with those assertions. First, I was almost done with school. I was on the last three months of the last year of the main education system. Second, I went to a school designed to push those who are smarter than most others. We learned a hell of a lot more there than most people do. Third, I am not even close to normal, in a lot of ways. My mind works very differently than that of many people, which is probably why your summon spell stole me instead of someone else. Fourth, I only seem intelligent because you likely have no idea what half of what I say is about. I am merely a layman in most subjects, with very little real training. Basically, what I know only scratches the surface of what there is to know."

"Sometimes you seem almost a braggart, and sometimes you sell yourself short. I can't get a fix on you."

"What can I say? I'm the most humble man on the planet." It came out before I could think about it, but when I did I realized it was quite literally true. I sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"Humans have a pretty good life span. I'm going to be alone among ponies for a very long time. Every time I think I'm resigned to it, another thing goes off in my mind that I'll miss. No more internet, no more books, no more music, no chance of love or raising a family or finding a mate, and from the state of affairs with the other ponies, there's a good chance I'll remain forever a pariah. C'est la vie…"

I could see that she was crestfallen. I keep forgetting it was her fault that I'm here, even if I don't blame her for it. I tried to make up for what I said. "At least I ended up in a realm where most of the residents aren't trying to kill me. All the ponies I've run into have been rather kind, even if they are dismissive or fearful of me. If I had to be stranded anywhere, this is probably the best place for it. I have to admit, it will be a struggle to hide my more violent side. At least I know I have a good cause to, as I am the sole representative of my species on the planet."

The next day, I had a meeting with Applejack to discuss farming methods and uses of different crops.

"I will tell you straight up, I am not much of a farmer. Most of the work I ever did on a farm was helping to feed animals and baling hay. What little I know is learned from books or general education," I told her.

"That's okay. We're here more for show anyway. Just tell me what you can and maybe it'll be useful, maybe not."

"Okay… I don't suppose you'd need to know about pesticides. Those are poisons we use on crops to kill off any kind of pests. They're both good and bad, as they can cause a lot of harm to the environment, but they do kill most bugs. I don't suggest them, not with the system you have set up. I haven't seen your entire farm, but irrigation might be an option. It's where you dig small canals throughout your farm so getting water here and there is easier. Not a necessity, but it can be really useful on a huge farm."

"Irrigation, huh? Might have to keep that one in mind. MacIntosh has to spend whole days hauling water, sometimes."

"I'm sure you probably know just about every way to cook apples there are. Do you know about apple cider, apple brandy, or apple jack?"

"We know all about cider there is. And I know my name is Applejack, but I don't know about any products called that, though…"

"I refuse to be the one that brings alcohol to Ponyland."

"Well shoot, now you got me curious. What's alcohol?"

"A mind altering substance that can make you feel either good or bad, depending on your mood. It causes all manner of problems where I come from, so I'm not going to be introducing it here. I don't know how well ponies would take that stuff anyway. You'd probably need enough to drown a horse to get you drunk. No pun intended, of course. Though it would give me a chance to use a few jokes... So a pony walks into a bar... Eh, nah."

"Sounds like it might be okay for a few special occasions. I don't know what could be so bad about it."

"Remember, I'm talking about human use. We're unpredictable at the best of times. Imagine how we would be if you gave us something that altered us in unexpected ways. Some people are harmless drunks. Some people aren't. I'm not going to find out what it would do to ponies, unless I make it myself and give it to one of you just as a test. Thinking about it, that might be a great prank to pull on Rainbow Dash…"

"I do owe her a big one for that last doozy she gave me. If it'll help get her back, I'll get you some apples."

"This seems like a mean idea, but a fun one. I'm in, if you won't tell anyone it was me that did it. It'll take a month to brew something worth drinking, though. I suppose Twilight probably has everything else I need in her lab. What season is it?"

"It's almost fall, right now. Why? Does it cook better in a warmer season or something?"

"Colder, actually. You have to deep freeze it for a while. I might show you how to make it, if you swear you'll only do it after we test it, and then only for family celebrations. I don't want anyone to know that I let this leak, if it turns out bad."

"You have my word, of course. If it's as bad as you say, maybe we shouldn't test it at all…"

"I don't think a single test would hurt too bad, as long as we take precautions. We'll have to make sure she can't fly, and that she stays safe until it wears off. She'll probably have a blistering headache when she wakes up…"

"This is sounding better and better!"

"We'll see. It's a relatively complicated formula. I hope Twilight has everything in her lab."

We spent a few more minutes discussing boring farm crap. I was able to remember a bit more than I thought, though I honestly doubt most of it was helpful.

Later that day, I asked to check Twilight's lab.

"Why do you need to go down there?" she asked.

"Just a project I might be working on with Applejack, should you have the right supplies. An experiment of sorts, you could say," I told her. I figured if the word experiment didn't get her, nothing would.

"If you're planning it with Applejack, where is she?"

"Getting some other supplies, of course. I didn't figure you'd keep a load of apples down there."

"Well, okay. I don't see what harm you could possibly do with an experiment about apples…" With that, she led me down to the lab and helped me look for what I needed.

When she heard my list, she looked at me incredulously. "What kind of experiment did you say this was, again?"

"A surprise experiment. You have Applejack's word that it won't come to much or any harm." She shook her head, but said nothing.

The day after, Applejack showed up with the apples. We started the brew, after my counseling that I had never actually done this before, only read about it. I told her what would happen, and how it should go. It took a while to get it set up, and when we finally got it she went on her way with a smug little smile. I knew better than to ask.

Another talk I had with Twilight was about the economy of Equestria. I had noticed that occasionally ponies used coins, while occasionally everything they got was free.

"Well, all ponies have a special talent of some sort, and they all have a place in the world. All pegasi can manipulate weather, for example. Since they are so often called upon to fix the weather in some way or another, they get most of their services about town for free. As long as no pony abuses the system, it works well enough. The pegasi are paid for their weather services by getting mostly free services. Other ponies that have less applicable skills either pay with services directly, in the form of a service for a service, or trade produced goods for something. If they can't do that, they pay in bits. This works in most small towns, but in a bigger city like Canterlot, goods are usually paid for in bits anyway."

"So you have a barter system with vestiges of capitalism. It says a lot about your species that this works. It was used for a while where I came from, but eventually raw capitalism took over, and everything was paid for in our version of bits."

"Your version of bits? What did you use instead?"

"This is going to sound odd, so let me explain before you laugh. We used paper. I know, I know, it's an odd concept. The idea behind it is ingenious, though. The paper was specially printed by the government as a promise that it is worth its weight in gold. I can't imagine a concept like that working in a world like this one, but where I came from, the entire economy was market based, and entire careers were built off nothing but the manipulation of money from one area to another. That would be impossible using gold or goods. Something else was needed, and so paper money was printed as a promise. In later years, most of the flow of money was completely digital, or controlled by computers. It was, in effect, completely imaginary. In practice, though, lives were broken and created through sheer movement of numbers from one screen to another."

"Your species is insane."

"It works if your population is large enough and advanced enough technologically. But yeah, I can see how you can think that. I never much understood it myself…"


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two—Making booze and a chance meeting

I feel the need to push this entry forward a month, since it fits with what I was writing about earlier. This is, of course, the night Applejack and I got Rainbow Dash drunk.

Admittedly, I could have easily ended the distillation process in a day rather than a month. I could have done that, and risked poisoning our subject. As I said, this was my first time making booze. I would rather give myself a little bit of leeway should anything go wrong. And while I won't say I didn't test some of the brew myself, you can't prove anything anyway so shut up.

We decided to do it at the farm, as there would be fewer witnesses that way. Plus, Twilight wouldn't yell at us for being grossly irresponsible.

"Are you sure you want me to do this? This was Applejack's idea; why can't she test it?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Because, lass, this is an experiment. And she's helping me run it. It wouldn't do for a scientist to test a product on himself and then expect to be able to properly study the effects," I explained.

"Well, why is she helping you with this thing? I thought Twilight was the brainiac one!" she retorted.

"Because it's my apples he's using for the formula! It's also my apples that'll be making any more of this stuff, if we decide it's okay after you try it. So shut up and try it!"

"Now, a few disclaimers before we start. First, do not try to fly if you do get drunk. I cannot stress this enough. _Do not fly_! I don't know how this will affect you. I will tie your wings to your body if you start trying to fly. Second, I don't know how much of this it'll take you make you drunk. So we'll go with P for plenty. Third, if you need to, aim for the bucket. Fourth, don't blame me when you wake up."

"Wait, what were those last two?" she asked.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get started!" I passed her the first bucket of apple jack and she hesitantly started drinking.

"Hey, this isn't that bad!" With that, she started at it with a bit more gusto. The first bucket quickly emptied and I passed her the second one. "It's got a bit of a kick to it, though." She shuddered for a moment before starting on the second. She finished it and started on the third.

"Okay, after this one, I want you to try walking around." She was putting this stuff down. I was hoping I'd have enough left over for a personal stash, but at this rate I might not.

She finished it and sighed. I took the bucket. She took a step and immediately fell on her ass.

"So it turns out ponies can get drunk. Two buckets were probably enough… Interesting."

While I was noting my results and Applejack was laughing, Rainbow Dash was struggling to get up. "I mushta tripped on shometin'. Stupid farm." This was punctuated with another attempt at walking that somehow flipped her on her back.

"Slurred speech, trouble walking, impaired thinking… Well Applejack, we got Rainbow Dash drunk. Very drunk."

"What happens if she tries to fly? Think she might get hurt?"

"If she tried to fly, the moniker Rainbow Crash would be very appropriate. As to her getting hurt? Well, I think she has bones of steel. You and I have both seen her make crash landings that would kill a human, and she just shrugs them off." _Titanium might be more appropriate, with the speed she flies._

"Well, what can we really do to her in this state? Admittedly it is funny watching her stumble about and fall, but we get to see her do those every day."

"Well, another stickling point about alcohol is that it supposedly lowers inhibitions. A lot. If you have any male ponies you want to play a great prank on, we could sic Rainbow Dash on them now and she might try to flirt with them. We just have to be ready to step in, in case it gets out of hand. Or we could play truth or dare with her to get her to do something funny or stupid or get some secrets out of her. As drunk as she is, it is improbable that she'll remember much in the morning."

"Yer saying she won't remember any of this?" she asked with a gleam in her eye.

"She _probably _won't remember any of this."

"Keep her here. Imma go get Big Macintosh! This is gonna be great!"

I feel that I should at this time point out that, despite my mandate, Rainbow Dash was trying to fly. I emphasize trying. I was watching her with some interest during the previous conversation, and noticed, much to my amusement, that she couldn't flap her wings in unison. When Applejack left, I walked up to her.

"H-how are you flying? You don't have any wings!" she yelled at me, perhaps thinking a rustling wind would otherwise steal her words.

"Special human trick," I winked. "Don't tell the others. It's my trump card." I love playing with drunk people. "I know you're probably not vey lucid right now, but how are you feeling?" I asked her, ready to write down a response.

"How am I feeling?" she slurred. "I'm the greatest flier ever, and I'm going full speed through the skies! How do you think I feel? It's amazing!" _Subject feels elation and is having delusions. Interesting…_

Our conversation continued much the same, until Applejack came back leading a large red stallion. I'm neither gay nor into bestiality, so I can't tell you if he was handsome or not. I did know, however, that as boozed up as she was I honestly don't think it would matter to Rainbow Dash.

"Did Applejack tell you why we needed you?" I asked him.

"Nope," he replied.

"Hm. Applejack, would you kindly go entertain Rainbow Dash for a sec? I'll explain the experiment to him."

"He don't need to know nothing to do this, other than that he needs to go flirt with her!" she retorted.

"Wh—" Macintosh started.

"Humor me, please. I really should tell him what's going on," I told her. She acquiesced with a few grumbles, but she finally went to occupy Rainbow Dash's interest.

Big Macintosh just looked at me. I guess he doesn't talk much.

"I'm testing a human drug on her. Basically, it lowers her inhibitions so she'll do things she wouldn't normally do. It's only temporary, so I would like to test the effects while I still can. We've tested a few things already, but we haven't tested her social inhibitions. Which is where you come in. If you could do some casual flirting and see how far you can get her, that would be a big help. She probably won't remember anything tomorrow, and if she does we'll just tell her it was part of the experiment."

"You want me to take advantage of her?" Longest sentence out of him yet.

"Don't worry about that. Applejack and I will be watching the entire time. We'll step in if things go too far, or don't appear to be going at all. If you don't trust me, you should be able to trust your sister."

He sighed and shrugged. "Okay."

"Great! Oh, and do try to make sure she doesn't either manage to fly or try to run off. Now, go tell your sister to come back, and start up a conversation. Do whatever it is that male ponies do to attract female ponies." He looked at me dubiously, but did as I asked.

When Applejack got back, I could see that she was trying hard not to laugh. "Oh, this is gonna be great!"

"Remember, not a word to the others. I sure as hell don't want to get in trouble for this. If anything goes bad, we blame Spike and hope we get off scot free."

"Why Spike?"

"Because I had his help making the brew. Long story. He doesn't know what plan we had for it, but he does know what it does. He almost blew half the lab up, with us in it, before I managed to get his mouth shut…"

We made more casual small talk as we watched Big Macintosh work his manly magic. Sadly, we were too far off to hear what they were saying, but we could see their reactions. Eventually our talk tapered off as we just watched in a bit of amazement. Macintosh was obviously uncomfortable, but it didn't look like Rainbow Dash noticed much. We could hear the too-loud drunken laughter from where we were.

"I'm willing to take that as a sign the experiment was a success. Think we should call it off now, before we risk it going too far?" I asked her.

"Naw, not yet. Big Macintosh… he doesn't get into town much, doesn't have much practice with the mares. This might give him some confidence."

"What works on a drunken Rainbow Dash probably won't work on most mares, but if you think it'll help, we can wait and see. I _will _cut it off if I think it's going too far."

As it turns out, I didn't have to. Big Macintosh did it himself, motioning us forward. We met him halfway.

"That was… interesting. Don't ask me to do it again." He was a very big pony. One I didn't like the idea of screwing with.

"Don't worry. I have no plans to make more of the drug. It is dangerous if not controlled." I looked pointedly at Applejack as I said that last bit. "How did your… conversation… go?"

"You were right about her inhibitions being lowered. You were wrong about needing a stallion." With that, he walked away. _Well, there's another suspicion confirmed._

I looked at Applejack. "Not a word to anyone. Let's hope she doesn't remember this…"

I didn't hear her reply, as I suddenly saw Rainbow Dash stumble forward and not get up. Apparently, she finally passed out. I ran up to check on her, making sure her head wasn't facing up.

"What's wrong with her?" Applejack yelled, trotting up.

"She just passed out. That's a common side effect of too much alcohol. She should wake up in the morning with a splitting headache. I don't know if horses can throw up, but if you can she probably will. She'll need several buckets of water, too. If you have either an empty bed or an empty hay stack in the barn I can stay the night and make sure she's fine in the morning."

"Do you wanna just… leave her here? That seems a bit dangerous."

"If you want to move her anywhere, we'll have to drag her. I'm not strong enough to lift up a bloody pony. Though she would probably recuperate better without the sun in her eyes when she wakes up."

"Maybe I wasn't clear. Wherever she sleeps is where we'll be sleeping."

I sighed.

We dragged her into the house.

I fear it is time for a small, personal, intermission. You see, I discovered near the end of my first week in pony land another reason for my massive sleep deprivation. Or rather, rediscovered.

I have terrible, terrible dreams. The nightmares, you see, I can deal with. No, the nightmares weren't really the problem.

Most of my dreams were happy. They were so sweet that I couldn't bear to wake up for fear of losing them. Every night I would have beautiful dreams. Every day I would wake up, losing a part of myself in the lost happiness. I became dead to the world, doing everything I could to just remember fragments, memories of a world where I didn't have such a crushing weight on me.

So I decided to get as little sleep as I could. I had read—of course I had read, what else would I be doing with my time?—that going to sleep completely exhausted would mean few to no dreams. I killed the dreams, I saved my mind, but at the cost of my body.

By the time I was pulled into Equestria, I had been so long without the dreams I had forgotten them. It wasn't until my sleep schedule started to readapt that I started to dream again. When they first started, I figured they couldn't harm me anymore, as I was in what appeared to be a world carved of raw happiness.

God, how wrong I was. Soon the dreams became tantalizing glimpses of home: technology, people, family, friends, girls I had known… The girls were the worst.

The first night I found myself haunted by the dream of a girl I once thought I loved, I discovered a newfound interest in the history of magic in Equestria. It was the first book I found in the library, and it served well enough as a tool for forgetting.

Spike was the first one up. As soon as he saw me sitting near a window, squinting to read in the weak light, he asked, "Why are you up this early? Usually you sleep in late."

"Hiding from the dreams… They can't find me if I'm not asleep."

"You're scared of some bad dreams?"

"You forget how bad my world is, lad."

"You never did tell me much about your world. I asked you once, and you started saying something weird about economies and politics and something or another…"

"You are young, yet. I suppose I could tell you some stories, though. It is not all bad." I put the book down and told him the good of our world. I painted him a picture of a technological wonderland, of cities that never sleep, of medical marvels that can sometimes bring the dead back to life, of love, of unparalleled knowledge, of airplanes that flew the skies and submarines that plunged into the depths, of the connection of the entire world through the beautiful and terrible collective called the internet, of landscapes so serene you could sit for hours and hear nothing but the sweet call of birds, of the system of democracy, of freedom of _choice_. I talked to Spike as the sun slowly peeked through the clouds. I was so lost in my words that I didn't even notice a sleepy-eyed Twilight joining us, listening to my tale with muted wonder.

I finished with this: "When I said I was hiding from my dreams, Spike, I didn't mean nightmares. There was just as much beauty in my world as there was terror. When I dream, I see not the terror of the world I left, but the beauty I lost. I fear I will become more and more a night person as I struggle to deal with the memories I have…"

At her touch, I finally noticed Twilight. I could look into her eyes and read her thoughts, but that didn't stop her from voicing them: "I've already apologized as much as I can, Navarone. Princess Celestia and I have both been thinking of ways to send you back. However, there appears to be nothing at all we can do… I want you to know that we're all here for you, though. You can tell us anything."

I nodded and sat back, feeling more tired than ever.

But I digress enough. That little intermission was just a way to explain why I found myself pacing around Applejack's farm late at night. It was a typical fall night, and colder than an ex-wife's heart, but it was much preferable to trying to fight sleep in the warm house. I was cresting a hill, wondering when I could put my fear of the past behind me, when I heard a slight whooshing sound, and a louder crunch of cold dirt behind me.

Without turning, I said, "Nice night. Bit cold, though. Way too cold to be flying, I'd say."

A small silence, what I was guessing as shock. Then, deciding to play my game, a youngish and feminine voice replied, "Aye, 'tis a bit cold. Though the beautiful night makes the flight worth it…"

"Shame we have a new moon. I would love to see this area in its light."

"We don't know about that. The stars are light enough, and there are many activities one could hide in the dim light of a new moon." _We?_

"My lady, I am no thief, unless you find yourself wanting a heart stolen."

"Oh? We see thou walking away from a farmhouse near a forest of evil, late at night, a night we might add that is darker from a new moon. Thou art also a creature of a like we have never seen before, which is saying something. Thou may not be a thief, but thou do appear to be fleeing. What dark scene will we see if we return to the house thou left behind?"

I turned at this, thinking her insulting me. I could see nothing of her but a silhouette, however. A silhouette and a gleaming smile. She appeared to be a dark pegasus. When she shifted her head, however, I saw a glimmer of a horn and gasped. I am rarely speechless, but I have to admit I was incredibly surprised at this one.

"Don't worry, Navarone. Our sister told us about thou. We know what thou art."

I mumbled something, still surprised.

"Everypony we've met seems to have the same reaction to us. Are we so terrifying?"

"Surprising is more like it," I finally managed to say. "I wasn't expecting to find one of the princesses of the realm out in the middle of an orchard late at night. Alone, at that."

"We are hardly alone, Navarone. We just left our escort back a ways, since they seem so often to drive ponies away in fear. We don't know why… We are their _princess_! They should trust us!" she finished in a booming voice, making me wince.

"Well, it might have something to do with the loud voice, or your use of 'we' instead of 'I.' I don't know how fashions go, here, but I don't imagine such things are still terribly popular."

"Tradition demands it!" she continued in her booming voice. "The only reason we stooped to thy _casual _speak is because thou initiated it."

"Traditions change. Why stick to an outdated system when it makes your subjects uncomfortable?"

"Why should _we _be forced to change to their desires? We art royalty!"

_I hope Equestria doesn't have executioners…_ "Because you can force obedience, but not love or loyalty. You can make your people obey you, but you can't make them love you. Forcing them to adapt to traditions older than any of their memories will not endear them to you."

She stood to her tallest height, which put her head a few inches over mine. Enough for her to think she had some manner of intimidation effect, I suppose; the only thing I was afraid of was her magic, or perhaps her ability to order me killed. "Thou art insolent! Disrespectful! And…" she said, lowering her head a bit and dropping the booming effect, "correct, we fear. We—I—have visited a few small townships, here and there. Usually late at night, and during festivals or some such. They flee at the sight of us—my escort and I, in this case."

"You also have to remember that until a few months ago, you were sort of their biggest boogeyman. No matter how hard you try, most ponies will take some manner of time to get used to you."

"And yet th—you—seem fine with us—me. Dost thine heart hold no fear?"

"Not hardly. I just wasn't around when you were to be feared. As far as I'm concerned, you were always Princess Luna. Though I do have to admit, I am very honestly surprised to see you. What would bring you here, now?"

"We—I, sorry—travel the countryside, looking for anypony awake at this hour. 'Twas just happenstance that found us together this night."

"You'd probably be better off searching cities for anyone still awake. Some cities back in my world never sleep."

"I tried… It didn't turn out well. Cities may not sleep, but they are not suited for those of us that have been away from everything for a thousand years. At least, not yet."

"Things aren't going to revert any time soon, lass." Her eyes flared when I called her lass. She would be the first one I've spoken to that knew the term, if she did. I kept going, though. "If you don't learn to accept new things, you'll never find any friends, and having fun will be nigh impossible."

Her eyes looked confused for a second. "Fun? What is this fun?"

"You don't… Huh. Have you ever played a game or performed in some manner of competition?"

She shook her head. "Such is not for royalty, Navarone. What if we were to lose?"

"Fun comes from the risk of loss or failure. Winning is all well and good, but what's the point of even trying if you already know you'll come out on top? I understand that a princess isn't supposed to be inferior than a subject at anything, but the truth of the matter is that you'll never be the best at everything."

She paused for a moment. "Tell me more about this… fun."

"Uh… Well, take the prank a friend and I just pulled on another friend. Got her drunk off her ass. She was doing all manner of funny things: Flapping her wings out of sync, falling on her face every time she tried to walk, slurring her speech and falling for anything you told her. She told us some interesting things she didn't want anyone to know. Some might consider it mean, but after some of her pranks it's fair to say she deserves a big doozy to get back at her. It's all in good fun."

"I don't know why a pony was riding a donkey, but none of what you said really sounds that… enjoyable."

I waved my hand. "It's situational. You wouldn't know Rainbow Dash, so it doesn't make as much sense. That's the only real story I have from this world; I've been trapped in a bloody library for most of a month, since so few of the bloody ponies trust me."

"We—Celestia and I—could give out a royal edict declaring you to be safe. You _are _safe, correct?"

"I see no reason to hurt someone if they haven't done anything to me. Nothing to gain from it. But no, keep your edicts. I might be able to walk freely around town, but that won't mean I won't be looked at crosswise. If they can't learn to trust me themselves, no amount of royalty will ever change their minds."

She snorted. "Things have changed. I was never as loved as Celestia, but nor was I ever this feared. And if ponies can't even trust royal announcements, what can they trust?"

"They can trust friends. If you were to get to know some of your people, they would likely trust you more."

She opened up with her booming voice again, "They always flee before they can know us! How can we make friends if they do not meet us halfway?"

_I can practically feel the headsman's axe._ "You are hardly meeting them halfway, with that voice. Just being there isn't enough. You have to participate, mingle. Stopping with that mind shattering voice might help, as I have already said. No one likes being yelled at. You say you go to festivals and the like. Go to one of those and ask—politely—if you can play some games or something. Hell, I think there's some manner of festival going on in Ponyville in a few weeks. I'm sure no one would mind if you showed up, as long as you honestly tried to meet them halfway."

She dropped the booming. "And what, pray tell, would that include?"

"No yelling. Try not to use archaic grammar or the royal we. Act like a person trying to make friends rather than a princess."

"And how does a… _person _go about making friends?"

"Bugger all if I know. I just sort of fell into most of mine. If you met me outside of town, I could bring Twilight or one of the other relatively normal ponies to meet you. You'll receive a much better hearing if you're in their company."

"Tell me about this festival."

I shrugged. "I don't know much about it. From what I've heard, it's analogous to my people's Halloween. That means there will be costumes and candy and 'scary' stuff. I was planning on spending all night with Rainbow Dash, pulling pranks and scaring the shit out of people, but helping you seems like a more noble cause."

She gave me a somewhat stern and very womanly look for that. I shrugged. "Tell me where to meet you, then, Navarone. I will learn more about this festival, and we might meet you when the sun sets."

The only landmark outside of town that I really knew very well was Fluttershy's humble home. I told her where it was. "The pony that lives there is… well, 'coward' doesn't begin to cover it. If you can befriend her, you can befriend anyone. We used her to prove to the ponies in town that I'm not a monster. That helped a lot, but it wasn't enough to fully gain their trust."

"And this pony, she will give me a fair chance?"

"She gave me one, and I look a lot more like a villain than you do. I'll warn her you're coming, so it shouldn't be much of a shock."

"Where can I find you if I wish to discuss this ahead of time?"

"I don't sleep all that well; there's a better than even chance I'll be sitting in Twilight's library, reading some manner of book. It's the large tree near the middle of Ponyville. You are welcome to come by any time, as far as I'm concerned. We might have to go on a walk, though, to avoid waking Twilight or Spike up."

"We are more comfortable with the open sky above our head." She flinched, realizing what she had said. "This will take some getting used to."

"As long as you are making an effort to change, I'm sure most ponies will be fine. Some might be confused, but whatever."

"What do you have in mind for if this plot fails? Or makes things worse?"

"I'll figure something out. I'm good at dealing with chaos. Or if I can't do it, I'm sure Twilight can. Her plans are generally too meticulous to fail, as long as she has time enough in which to execute it properly."

"I will take your assurance on this matter, then, Navarone. Until we meet again." She spread her wings wide and jumped straight into the air. Another thing we need to work on: Her stuffiness.

The rest of that night passed mostly uneventfully, with the exception of nearly twisting my ankles in some of the ruts worked into the farmland.

Morning found me curled up in the guest bed Applejack designated for me. When I asked her about the shitload of rooms she had, she mentioned something about harvest. We were busy lugging an unconscious pegasus at the time, so I wasn't really paying much attention. Knowing how that girl feels about her apples and her trees, she probably stores the apples in those rooms and puts them to bed during harvest. Why else she would need such a large farmhouse for four ponies is beyond me.

Knowing nothing about the house other than the way in and out, I just laid back and waited. With my luck I would have wound up in someone else's room, or seeing something I shouldn't see. I don't know, a sacrificial altar to the apple gods or something. I heard someone bustling about below. It was a farmhouse, so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that people were up early.

Now, what did surprise me was an assault by a blur of yellow that coalesced into a small pony called Applebloom. This was Applejack's little sister, a small lass always looking for a way to get her Cutie Mark, which is a tattoo ponies get on their ass that marks their lot in life. Sounds too confining to me, and I've brought that up, but no one else seems to think so.

I had met her a few times before, and each time she seemed to be trying some new harebrained scheme with two friends. Tried dragging me in once… They relented when I told them they were too small to be Amazon warrior ponies.

"Get up, sleepy head!" she yelled at me, pouncing on my bed.

"I am awake, pipsqueak. Who else is awake? I heard someone else moving around."

"I ain't gonna tell you. You gotta tell me what you did to Rainbow Dash, first. She isn't awake yet, but she looks awful…"

"Rainbow Dash helped us with an experiment. I don't suggest being around when she wakes up. It will be… unpleasant."

"What did you do to her?"

"Ask your sister. If she thinks you should know, she'll tell you. As it stands, I don't. I will tell you this, though: Don't look to get your cutie mark that way, since that was a single run experiment. We won't be doing it again."

"Awww… You old ponies take all the fun out of everything!" _Not quite a pony, but whatever._

"If you knew some of the things I considered fun, you wouldn't be so sad about that. Anyway, who else is awake?"

"Just Big Macintosh and me, so far. And you, I guess. Applejack is usually awake by now, I don't know why she's still asleep."

"Let her sleep, I say. I'll probably wander off to Rainbow Dash's room in a bit. She'll wake up feeling terrible, disoriented, and confused, which is not a good combination for someone like her that can fly."

"Don't you want breakfast? I helped make it!"

Remembering stories I had heard about her, I somewhat ungraciously declined. "Religious reasons. Can't eat this early in the morning."

"What's… religious?"

"…Never mind."

A few hours later found Applejack and me in front of a finally stirring Rainbow Dash.

"Remember, talk quietly. She'll probably hurt enough," I whispered. Applejack nodded.

Rainbow Dash groaned, tried to open her eyes, saw the glare of the sun, and immediately forced them shut. She croaked, "What… what happened? Everything hurts…"

"Mornin', sunshine!" Applejack boomed. Rainbow Dash winced and I glared at Applejack. She just smiled and whispered, "Couldn't help it…"

"Anyway," I said quietly, "the experiment was a success. And we'll never do that again. We'll talk about it later after you feel a bit better. We've arranged some things that'll help you. Namely, a few empty buckets and some buckets of water. Drink all the water you can hold, then drink some more. Come down when you stop feeling like death. Until then, call if you need anything."

"Yeah, we'll send Big Macintosh to help you…" Applejack teased.

"Why would you send him? This whole mess is _your _fault," Rainbow Dash replied.

"So she doesn't remember! This will be fun!" Applejack said.

"Don't remember what?" Rainbow Dash groaned.

Before Applejack could respond, I said, "Rainbow Dash, recuperate. Stop talking unless it's important. And do your best not to think, as that will make it hurt worse. The water will help." Applejack and I stepped out.

"Wait, remember what? What did I—" That last was cut off by a closing door.

"That was mean," I said.

"Maybe, but it was also funny!"

"You raise a good point."

After another awkward wait, spent with both of us being pestered by Applebloom, Rainbow Dash tenderly extricated herself from her room.

The first thing she said: "Never. Again." The second thing she said: "Seriously. Never again." The third: "Now, what happened? I don't remember anything after getting to the farm."

"Nothing much," I told her. "We tested your ability to talk and to think rationally, we let Macintosh flirt with you, we let you try to fly, and we let you try to walk. You weren't able to fly or walk, and your attempts were very humorous. Your speech was slurred, and your mind wandered a lot."

"Wait, what was that second one?" she asked.

"We let you try to fly. Your head is still probably fuzzy. I'm certain it hurts."

"I don't think that's what you said… Did you really let—"

"And now you're being paranoid. Applejack, mark it down as another symptom, would you?" She pretended to write something down, which is interesting, as she has no thumbs. Or paper. Or a pencil…

Rainbow Dash gave us the oddest look I've ever seen. I swear she thought we were retarded at that point. We both looked back as innocently as we could.

"…So when can I leave?" she asked.

"If you really feel up to flying, you can leave whenever. Just be careful. The bright light will be painful and disorienting at first. Thanks for your help."

"You're not welcome. I don't know why you had to have me for this experiment!"

"We had to have you because Twilight or Rarity would be too dangerous with their magic, Fluttershy would be too afraid to take the risk, and Pinkie Pie would be very, _very_, very scary if she got drunk. I've heard your stories about her manic depressive states. Alcohol could seriously unbalance her."

"Then you better not be making any more of this stuff, especially if it's as popular at parties as you say."

"Don't worry. I have no intentions of making more."

"Good. I'll see you both later." With that, she walked out and very unsteadily took off.

"I feel like we should feel guilty for this," I said.

"Nah. She wasn't permanently hurt."

"We did sort of accidentally make her reveal a secret she didn't want to."

"Yeah, but it's a useful secret to know."

"For you, maybe. I left most of my scheming behind me back on Earth. I have no intention to get back into that game." Not entirely true, but I really didn't feel like using anything against Rainbow Dash. It wasn't my business to do so. We parted company soon after. I didn't mention Luna's visit to her.

Nothing much really happened in the month preceding this. The ponies got used to seeing me around, and stopped flinching when I made sudden movements. Twilight started to let me out alone. God, that makes me sound like a pet… But it's the truth. The ponies were afraid of me. Those that never talked to me, at least. After the lesson about Zecora, a lot of them seemed ready to talk, if not necessarily willing.

Spike's birthday was a small high point, but I'm not much a fan of parties like that. He almost had a fit when I told him to stop being a greedy bugger and dragged him away from trying to steal a ball as a 'gift,' but he got over it.

I also taught Pinkie all manner of human vegetarian recipes. I wasn't able to remember most of them perfectly, and I wasn't exactly a chef to begin with, but she was able to recreate all kinds of good stuff just from what I was able to remember. Enough that she was able to convince her employers—a husband and wife with the last name Cake—to offer them on the side instead of just having desserts. I don't think they got very popular, but a lot of them did have a niche crowd that were willing to try new things.

Upon learning about my experiment, if not all the results, Twilight was not overly pleased. She knew, of course, that I was planning something, but she did not know what and against whom.

"She could have been hurt!"

"Yes, she could have. However, even your experiments with magic run a risk of hurting someone. Unlikely, of course, but possible. I have heard stories, back where I came from, of people getting horses drunk. I must admit, the truth of it was a lot funnier than the stories were. Though maybe that's just because my experiment was on a sentient being…"

"This isn't a joke, you know! She could have been hurt!"

"You already said that, and I already admitted to you being correct. Done is done, though. And at least now I know where I won't be starting a life in this new world. Not like you ponies need booze anyway. I can't imagine many of you having terrible things in your past you want to forget."

"That doesn't mean it's okay."

"I know. I stand by it. I'm more interested in what happened after, anyway."

"Oh? And what could have been interesting enough to take your mind off a 'valuable experiment'?"

"Oh, Rainbow Dash had already passed out by then. I was walking around the fields when Princess Luna dropped by and started talking to me."

"Princess Luna!? What was she doing out there?"

"Looking for someone to talk to. She thought I was one of her subjects. Which I guess, in a way, I am now. Anyway, we got to talking. She's very lonely, apparently. I invited her here to talk to me, if she's ever in the neighborhood and I'm still awake. I also invited her to the festival coming up in a few weeks. I hope you don't mind."

"I don't know… The last time I had dealings with her was when she was evil and trying to press eternal darkness on the land."

"Then it sounds to me like you could do with talking to her, as well. She sounded lonely when I was talking to her. The poor girl wants friends, and her past mistakes have alienated her from the entire pony community, aside from her sister. I wasn't around when that event thing happened, so I can honestly talk to her with no feeling of fear or residual mistrust. She needs some way to make friends and meet her subjects. I figured this party thing would be a decent way to do that. We might have to help her a bit, though. Her speech patterns haven't changed in a thousand years. She uses archaic grammar and occasionally lapses into a booming voice."

"Princess Luna is welcome here, as far as I'm concerned, and we can hopefully help her. You'll have to tell me more about your plans for the Nightmare Night Festival."

"It's called what." It didn't come out as a question.

Twilight saw it as a question, of course. Any chance to explain some obscure tradition was good in her books. It was, as I said, analogous to Halloween. The added bit was that not dressing up would cause Nightmare Moon to come and eat you, or something. Near the end of the night, a wee bit of candy each child collected is donated as a sacrifice to a Nightmare Moon statue or something.

Now, anyone reading this should be able to see a bit of a problem here. Luna was coming to this festival dedicated to being afraid of her alternate personality. I tried explaining this dilemma to Twilight.

"She's not Nightmare Moon anymore, Nav," was the answer. "And we'll be able to help her prepare for the visit when she meets us at Fluttershy's home. Which was a good choice, by the way, if what you say about Princess Luna's voice is true. Fluttershy can help her learn to speak gently. It'll be fine, Nav. And you made the right choice, inviting her."

I shrugged. "Too late to recall the invite anyway. I quite like having my head attached to the rest of my body."

"That's the spirit! Now, care to help me and Spike with some chores?"

I'll be the first to admit: I was surprised when Princess Luna actually did come by. I was more surprised that it was the first night after the offer. I said as much as I reached up to grab my coat for a walk.

"We had a bit of free time. There's not much to rule over when the kingdom is sleeping. If there was any real emergency, the courtiers would rather wake my sister than bring it to me, anyway," she answered, with more than a little bitterness.

It was a bit of a chilly night. A pale mist greeted every word. The weak street lights barely lit the road, while the nearly empty moon reflected gently off the glass windows. It was a night the likes of which I had rarely greeted back on my world.

"Surely you could deal with a big incident just as well as your sister. You've both spent a long time ruling, despite your small hiatus. Besides, anyone with a small lick of common sense can dictate orders around. What takes the skill is carrying them out. Though maybe that's just bias from living so long in a democratic system."

"Democracy… I read a mention of that in one of Twilight's letters about you, but she didn't go into detail."

"It is a form of government by the people. The people are allowed to vote on the issues, and whoever they want to rule them. There is a very big problem with a democracy, however. It allows the majority complete control. If the majority of people decided, for example, to ban reading because they don't like it, the minority has no power to stop it. That is why my people created the idea of a republic. A republic is a democracy with limits. Everyone has certain rights that cannot be taken from them. Freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of the press, stuff like that. People elect a small number of people to represent them as they vote on issues that just about anyone can put forward. No one can put into action anything that denies anyone any of the unalienable rights, however. It was a system designed by a people that had been abused by a monarchy. It allows for the changing of leaders every certain number of years, with systems in place if that leader needs to be removed sooner. I have thought long and hard on it, and can see no reason ponies would ever need such a system, or any way to make it applicable here anyway."

"Why is that?"

"Everyone here has an assigned role in life. They may pick it themselves, but it will be something they will always be able to do. This includes the leaders. Why would ponies need to vote in new leaders if the only leaders they get are born to them? And why would they need a new ruler if they ones they have are wonderful, eternal, and benevolent? It's a perfect system that couldn't exist on my world."

"I see. So why bring it up at all?"

"I mentioned it to Twilight, or maybe Spike, before I knew much about your people. And then you asked about it. I was merely doing my civic duty and informing my princess on a matter she was ignorant about."

I could tell that if she had hands she would punch me. I decided to throw her off before she thought about kicking at my shins.

"Do your feet get cold in the weather, or do the hooves protect them well?"

"I'm very used to the cold. Remember, I spent a thousand years on the moon."

"That hardly answered my question."

"Yes, my feet do get cold. I imagine yours do as well, silly protection or not."

"Back where I come from, we don't get much cold weather. It rarely dips below freezing. No one here knows how to make human shoes, so I'm forced to wear the summer shoes I had back home. I'm freezing."

She looked alarmed at that. "Then why are we walking out here? You should be inside, near a fire!"

I shrugged. "I don't want to wake Twilight or Spike, and this helps keep me awake better than a warm fire would. Besides, you don't seem to mind it too much, and you prefer the night sky. I see no reason it should bother me."

"Are all humans this stubborn?"

"I think one day you might find that it's all men that are this stubborn, at least when they see themselves in the right. Or maybe it's all human men."

She harrumphed.

"Oh, and that does remind me of something, actually," I said. "I heard one of Twilight's friends talking about Princess Celestia having a nephew. If you were trapped on the moon for a thousand years, how does that work out?"

"She runs an adoption agency. I don't know why they all started calling her Auntie Celestia, but she decided not to stop it, so they all became her nieces and nephews. That said, there aren't that many orphans in Equestria, so not many go through her agency."

"That cleared a bit up. I was thinking there had to be a third sister no one ever mentioned."

We walked in silence for a bit, before the possible implications of what I said hit me.

Sure enough, she asked, "Did you leave anypony important to you behind on your world?"

_This could end badly…_ "Just family. I never made many friends. If my school wasn't so small, I'm sure my disappearance wouldn't have even been noted, other than the noticeable lack of something not keeping the teachers on their toes. The only thing I was known for at my school was my scathing and sarcastic wit, directed at anyone that made themselves an enemy. To be quite honest, I consider the spell that brought me here more of a kindness to myself and to the world I left behind."

"And what of us? Do you consider yourself such a plight on our kind?"

"To be honest, yes, but in a different way. I am a corrupting influence on your people. I try not to be, but much of what I say drives people to think, and many of those thoughts aren't always pleasant. They drive people to my world, to the unhappiness I left behind, rather than to the peace that is their own. This is a good thing in that it will help them mature, but that is a bad thing because they have no _reason _to mature. I try not to do it to them, but I try to answer every question anyone asks. Just a few hours ago, I had to stop myself from answering a question Twilight asked, for fear of taking her mind to places it doesn't need to go. I want the ponies to continue living in relative harmony with their world. I just say things another human would take for granted, but you ponies don't think like we do."

"It is a shame you're so hurt over this. You seem to be fighting yourself so hard that you are not willing to let anypony near you for fear of them getting hurt."

"Is it so bad that I care so much of them that I'd rather they avoid me to not get hurt?"

"Everypony is their own pony. By denying them the right to be near you, you hurt them before you even get to know them. How will you ever find somepony that can help you if you refuse to let anypony in?"

"You've been talking to Twilight, haven't you?" She smiled. "There's a lot more to it than that, but you are right. In my world… In my world, I saw no reason to ever try to let anyone in. I was not unique. I was not special. I was one man among billions. Here, though… Here, I am the sole representative of my race. I have no excuse to wallow in self-pity. I am not, nor will I probably ever be, much of a people person, but I will try to make friends in this world. True friends, I mean, not just people that I know that are occasionally useful."

"And you'll start with me!"

"Yes, lass. And I'll start with you." Sappy, I know, but I felt it was the right thing to say. "Now, though, I fear there is a bit I must share with you about the festival." I told her what I knew about it.

She listened in silence for a bit. When I finished, I could tell she wanted to use her booming voice, but forced herself quiet. "We did not expect this," was her first response. "But then, we were also a villain for a good while…" She sighed. "We are not surprised. _I _am not surprised. Disappointed, perhaps, but not surprised. I suppose I shall find friends elsewhere."

She raised her wings to go. "Hold on, princess," I said. She stopped, looking at me. "You aren't Nightmare Moon. You are Princess Luna. This festival isn't about you. It is about what you were, not who you are."

"We—I—will think about it. Thank you, Navarone. Friend." She took off.

Could have gone worse, I guess.


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three—Every action gets a reaction. I.E., wherein I learn why alcohol is bad

The next day, I decided it might be wise to check up again on Rainbow Dash, to make sure she wasn't still feeling hung over. I knew it was unlikely, but I figured it was probably a good idea to check.

It wasn't until I got to her house, however, that I remembered it floats. And that I can't fly.

I was thinking about trying to get her attention, wondering if a rock would fly through her house or potentially damage something, when I heard a loud trundling behind me, followed by a yelled warning of "Look out!"

I quickly twisted around, saw what was coming, and jumped out of the way.

"Of course," I muttered. "It would be Pinkie Pie who managed to latch onto a _runaway wagon_, of all things." I saw Fluttershy trying to catch up, alongside Scootaloo on a little scooter. _I still don't know why they made a bloody scooter in this world. Makes no sense._

I picked myself up. "Scootaloo, I could have expected. Pinkie Pie, yeah, no stretch. But how did they rope you into this, Fluttershy?"

She slowed down long enough to say "They asked for a responsible pony for something. I didn't know what at the time! Could you please help us?"

I sighed and started running to catch up to Pinkie Pie. "How is she even still going that fast? There isn't an engine on that thing, and the ground is relatively level!"

Scootaloo answered, "We built a ramp a while back. A very big ramp. Also, what's an engine?"

"…Never mind. How are we going to stop her before she crashes into something bigger than she is?"

"I don't know, but being a rescuer shouldn't be this hard! Can you see if I have a cutie mark?"

She didn't. "That just means I have to actually catch up to her!" With that, she put on an extra burst of speed. I was hardly an athlete back on Earth, and I haven't done too much exercise since I got here. I barely managed to keep up with Fluttershy.

"Bloody kids. How do you manage them?" I asked her.

"Oh, I'm just good with kids… You know how it is."

"Whatever. Hey, it looks like Pinkie Pie is slowing down!"

Thankfully, she was. She managed to stop right in front of a large lake near the forest. I've often wondered what it would be like to dive in that thing, but when I asked the little ones about it they got pale and changed the subject.

Fluttershy and I finally managed to catch up to the two of them. Scootaloo was showering Pinkie Pie with a mix of accolades and admonishments, while Pinkie Pie was trying to get her legs back.

"So," I began, "what was the purpose of that again?"

Scootaloo said, "We were going to put Angel in the wagon and push him down the ramp. Then I was supposed to chase after him and quickly catch him, hopefully earning an animal rescuer cutie mark. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were supposed to try to calm him down and make sure he was okay. Instead, Pinkie Pie was walking by, saw the wagon, thought it looked like a roller coaster, and jumped in. We didn't plan the ramp very well, obviously…"

"You were going to do what with Angel?" Fluttershy asked, obviously somewhat disturbed.

I noticed then that she was actually still holding him protectively, despite his violent protests. I held my hand out for a quick bro-fist bump with the guy. He obliged; say what you want about his size, that little dude was okay.

"We weren't going to hurt him!" Scootaloo protested.

Fluttershy started to reply, when Pinkie Pie interjected herself. "That was fun! Can I do it again? Oh, hi Navarone! How was your experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack?"

"It went better than expected, actually, though I wouldn't bring it up with Rainbow Dash. I don't think she will remember it fondly. I was actually on my way to check up with her when I was interrupted by a runaway pony."

"Well, that's rude! Somepony needs to learn to control their speeds!" Typical Pinkie Pie.

"I suppose we should get this wagon back to the ramp. I think the girls wanted to try an experiment of their own."

"Not with any of my animals, they won't!" Fluttershy said. "If… if that wouldn't be a problem…"

Scootaloo sighed. "Fine! We can be _human _rescuers instead!"

That got my attention. "Wait, what now?"

Several bruises—and no cutie marks—later, I found myself wandering the marketplace. Their market holds none of the hubbub of a busy bazaar, or any market I'm used to back on Earth. There is no music playing in the background, very little muted speech going on, and all the speech that takes place sounds happy. It's like a happy memory of what 1950's small town America would be like. The only difference is that I'm the communist here, and I'm not 'your neighbor' or 'your best friend,' but rather, I'm the outsider, the one everyone can tell doesn't belong just by looking. It is disquieting in a way, though I know by now all the ponies are used to me. They managed to get used to Spike and Zecora, so it didn't take most of them long to stop staring at me.

But I digress. I was walking through the marketplace, looking at the small amount of wares available. Ponyville is not a large place at all, so there really wasn't much to look at. A few pieces of furniture, a small number of antique books, a few cloth stores, a doodad shop, and many food places. Even if there was anything I'd want to buy, I had no money with which to buy it. All the cash I had was defunct, all the plastic I had was worthless. Coins had some small value, but gold—in the form of bits—appears to be the common denomination here. I don't render any real services, nor do I have the right to say I'm a personal student or friend to the beloved princess, even if I was a new friend to the lesser known princess. In short, I was dependent on Twilight. It was not a comforting feeling.

I wandered through the marketplace, thinking of ways to earn my keep. I had enough ideas from Earth to become a political writer, but no pony would want to or need to try to read through a political treatise or any of the books I typically read back home.

If I could find someone to pay bounties, I could become a hunter. There are enough dangerous creatures out there for the job to pay well. I could also become a guide through the forest, or I could collect herbs and ingredients. It would be a dangerous job, and a job that no one would really want to pay me for, but it could be profitable.

There's also the very, very useful fact that I have thumbs going in my favor. Anything a pony would want to grasp would have to be done with their mouth or with magic. That pretty much makes my use nearly infinite. Infinite, if I could get the bloody ponies to stop fearing me so.

And there's also the possibility of remaining tethered to Twilight. Spike and I have different uses to her. He's good for manual tasks and being a guinea pig. He is very resistant, and has survived more than one magical accident that would have seared me to the bone. I, however, am a thinker. I have helped Twilight troubleshoot through some broken spells already, though the actual mechanics behind them remain hidden to me.

Or I could become a wanderer. This world is vast, and is mostly peaceful, though much of it has gone unmapped by ponies. Oddly enough, what of it I have seen shows me that this world is very, very like my own. With that knowledge, I can assume that riches can be found in the same places. Gold in California, diamonds in South Africa. It would be an interesting life.

I could also become an 'inventor.' This world has only the weakest engines, and having Pegasi means no one really developed flying technology beyond balloons. I could create a vastly more successful Hindenburg, or a plane. Given oil supplies, though, a steampunk style invention process would be easier.

Those thoughts were suddenly put on hold when a distracted and heavily laden Rarity bumped into me. Hardly breaking stride, she said, "Pardon, sir, but you simply must learn to watch where you're going!" She didn't even see me. Probably just guessed the gender and hoped to be right.

"Rarity? Do you need some help?" I asked her.

"What? Oh, yes! These are awfully heavy, and you do look like a fellow that could carry some weight!" I couldn't tell if that was an insult, so I just took some of the cloth from her back. "Be careful with that! It's going to be a dress fit for a princess soon!" As I've mentioned before, I know nothing of fashion. But if some of the things I've seen come out of her shop are considered 'fit for princesses,' I'm glad I avoided the industry. I'm sure it's all good, but a lot of it just looks impractical to me. I just shrugged and tried to look impressed by her admonishment. She apparently bought it, because she started off back to her shop. I followed, trying—despite myself—to figure out what she was going to make with this batch of cloth. A dress or gown of some kind, of course; I've never seen her make clothes for men, aside from that special commission for me to keep me from wearing the same tattered clothing day after day.

"Rarity, if you ever get a bit of free time, would you mind seeing if you could somehow make shoes for me? What I have now won't last forever, and I wasn't blessed with hard feet."

"Shoes? What's that about shoes? I don't have time to think about shoes at a time like this! I'm going to be absolutely swamped for days! When will I learn to not bite off more than I can chew?"

_Probably when you finally fail to finish an order_. She liked to complain, and I liked to tease her about it, but to Rarity, dresses and fashion is an art, not a career. She is very, very good at it and is very, very dedicated. I've heard from Sweetie Belle that she occasionally stays up days at a time to work on an order. It is my opinion that her cutie mark thing should be a thread and a needle, but apparently whoever decides those things figured diamonds was better. There was a time that I would have made a joke about something being pretty but ultimately useless, but I like to think I'm over that.

When we arrived at her shop, I found the place in complete disarray. To my apparently 'untrained eye,' as Rarity put it, everything looked like it was balanced on the edge of falling, awaiting only a sudden movement to break into total bedlam. To Rarity, it implied a job well on its way, a job that was missing only its mistress, who had stepped out for a short break. I gently set the bundle of cloth where she indicated and wondered if I should try to back out slowly before she remembered I was there, or try to offer any more help.

My mind was made up for me when she turned suddenly, saw me, started, and said, "Oh, hello Navarone. You wouldn't mind helping me with a few more tasks, would you? I promise, they won't take too long…"

_Oh lord…_ "I'm not Spike; I won't be willing to do anything you ask. But what do you need?"

Her answering smile was enough to make me want to grind my teeth. It said, I_ know what you think you're doing, and it's cute_. I managed to answer back with my own smarmy _bring it on _smile.

"Well, you see, my cat, Opalescence—"

"I'm not cleaning out a litter bed."

"Would it help if I said please?" My flat stare answered that for her. "Well, that's not the _only _thing I needed help with. I was kind of wondering if you'd be willing to supervise the girls while I'm busy with this project. I've heard how they talk about you; you are an enigma to them, and they have a lot of ideas about using you to get their cutie marks. I know you're often busy helping Twilight or one of the others, but if you have the time maybe you could help me?"

"I already have a few bruises from some of their plans involving me from today. Are you sure I'd survive anything more they have in store for me?"

"Oh, I'm sure it wouldn't be too much of a problem for 'the most dangerous creature alive.'"

"You see, it's that alive part I'm worried about. I'd like to keep it that way, and their 'human rescuer' plans seem to desire to put that life at risk."

"So THAT is why they were building a ramp. I was wondering what they were planning with it."

"How did they even build that flaming thing, anyway? None of them can do magic that I've seen, and none of them have thumbs! I've heard Fluttershy talk about their less than stellar carpentry skills in the past as well."

"No pony says they had to build it well. I'm sure the 'rescuer' part of the plan could cover fall damage as well as runaway cart problems."

"You are not making me any more eager to help you with this, you know."

"You hardly seemed eager to begin with."

"Yes, and about half the words you seem to say confirm I was right in my initial conception of the idea. From everything I've seen of the little lasses, they hardly need watching over anyway. They don't listen to half of anything anyone tells them, so it would hardly help to have someone like me around, who would only tell them off half the time for stuff they're doing wrong."

"I think you're stretching, now."

"You're not making me want to say yes any more. Why me, anyway? I know you said they were hoping to experiment on me, but surely there are other, more responsible ponies you could leave them with. Like… Fluttershy, or… well, Fluttershy is really the only truly responsible one of your main cadre of friends. Maybe Applejack or Twilight? Well, Twilight is usually busy with studies and isn't too much a fan of kids in her library. And after that experiment with Rainbow Dash I somewhat question Applejack's responsibility…"

"What happened with the experiment?"

"Oh, nothing…"

She raised an eyebrow, but let it go. "Fluttershy already said she couldn't. Something about house sitting? And Applejack is always busy with her trees."

"It's late fall and harvest is over. What kind of tree is she growing now?"

She opened her mouth to respond, looked pensive, and shut it again. Finally, she said, "So, you want to go ask Applejack a question for me?"

Half an hour of trudging through broken leaves and fallen limbs, I found myself back at Applejack's house. Her granny was on the front porch, waddled up in a load of clothes. I asked if she knew where Applejack was.

"What?"

"I said do you know where Applejack is?" I'll spare you the details of how long it took to get this message across to the old lady. Some things are better left forgotten.

When she finally understood me, she pointed right at me. I turned around to find Applejack trying her hardest not to laugh.

"Yeah, thanks for the help there. Anyway, Rarity wanted to know if you could watch the girls for her for a little while. She's a bit busy with a big order."

"I reckon I could do that for a bit, though I hardly think they need it."

"See, that's what I said. Though honestly, they do seem to have a bit of a problem thinking about consequences of their actions. Damn near killed me, Pinkie Pie, and Angel today. Until one of the set gets a bit of common sense, it's probably better that someone is around to supervise."

"What kinda scheme did they think up that could have hurt a human, a pony, and a little bunny?"

"The kind that involves a giant ramp and a wagon. Apparently the plan was to put Angel in the wagon and to push him down, then catch up and become animal rescuers. Pinkie Pie jumped in the wagon at the last instant, thinking it was some kind of ride. I almost got run over, then somehow got roped into helping them be human rescuers instead."

"Sounds like you have a hard time saying no to ponies."

"Let's see you say no to Applebloom's puppy dog face."

"I'm her big sister. That's my job."

"Psh. Cheater."

"Oh, that reminds me of something. Rainbow Dash came by earlier, asking about stuff that happened when we got her drunk. I didn't tell her anything, but I'm thinking she has a bone to pick with you about that comment you said about Big Macintosh."

"God, I was hoping she was too hung over to remember that… I hope you didn't tell her anything."

"I didn't say a word. Couldn't hold back a smile, though. She definitely suspects we know something."

"Let her keep on suspecting. Don't mention it at all, even if she does tell you later."

"I don't see why we can't talk about it. I don't see any harm in it."

"The way I figure, if she hasn't told anyone, she probably doesn't want to talk about it. I'm perfectly willing to respect that. If she wants to bring it up, she will, and we can talk about it freely then. Not like it really matters, anyway, unless you were planning on playing matchmaker with her."

"I don't think that would go over very well."

"Agreed. I was actually trying to find Rainbow Dash this morning, when I got sidetracked by the girls and then by Rarity. But I guess if she made it here then she's pretty well okay. I'll just have to try to avoid her now, so she won't be able to get me back for it…"

"I'm sure if she does try to get you back, she won't actually hurt you to do it. Most of what she does is just relatively harmless pranks."

"True enough, I suppose, but I'd still rather avoid any retribution for what I, at least, consider a real experiment. It may have been hatched as an idea for a prank, but I was honestly interested in the results."

"Well, that either makes you more or less honest than me. I was in it to get her back for some pranks she did to me a while back."

"I'm sure it was well deserved, and I'm sure it concluded the matter. Anyway, I should probably get back to Rarity to tell her the news before she gets completely absorbed in whatever she's doing. You know how she is."

"I sure do. See you around, Nav."

While I was on walking back to Rarity's house in the loose light of the fading day, my combat instincts—honed from more time than I would ever admit playing more games that I'd ever admit—warned me to duck. Sadly, my body is not as fast as my mind, especially after the beating I had taken earlier that day.

So I found myself unceremoniously lifted and flying through the air, held aloft by two recognizable blue legs—I swear, I don't think these ponies have joints or bones in their legs. I heard laughing right above me, and looked up to confirm my suspicion.

"I hope you don't mind heights, Navarone," Rainbow Dash yelled to me over the wind.

I did, in fact, mind heights, but I'd be buggered before I let her know that. I just grit my teeth and hung on for dear life, trying not to imagine myself as the first and only human to have become a pancake in ponyland.

After a while flying, I shouted up at her, "If you drop me, I'll drag myself out of whatever afterlife I land in and haunt you. I don't imagine your house is ghost proof!"

"So I just have to make sure not to kill you!" I didn't much like the sound of that.

Long story short, after several faked false drops, I found out that it was, in fact, possible for a human to be in her house. A very, very small part of her house. Feeling around the base of the room I was trapped in revealed that most of it was immaterial. I immediately took a dislike to the area.

"So, you have me trapped. Now what?"

"I could just let you stew for a few days, you know. The spell I asked Twilight to cast here should last at least that long."

"Should is the key word there. You may be a bit rash, but you're no murderer. You brought me here for a purpose, one that could very likely have been taken care of on the ground in a more… mundane… discussion."

"Yeah, I probably could have kept you on the ground for that. But there'd be no guarantees you'd tell the truth down there!"

"Just as you have no guarantees I'll tell any kind of truth up here. I'm assuming that you want to know more about the test I ran. There were a very small number of witnesses, and they'll all agree on what I say, and what I told you after we conducted it."

"There was a teensy bit of information you might have said that I want clarification on. I think you know what I'm talking about."

"Might have said? You kidnapped me for something I 'might have said?' I have a bit of a problem with that."

"I'm sure you'll get over it. Now, I'll ask again: What happened that night?"

"Again? You never asked in the first place. I just guessed—correctly—that you were going to ask about it, and told you my piece before you said anything. But since I can see you are considering pushing me to see what happens, I will tell you. Applejack and I ran a few experiments. You gave us information. As it turns out, Applejack was more into it for the prank side of the equation than for the scientific side, but I'm still pleased with the results."

"Funny. She said the opposite was true of you." I shrugged at that. "Whatever. Tell me more about the… tests."

"We had you try to fly, which was very amusing. We also tested your mental processes, which was also very amusing."

I could tell she wanted more, but I knew I could outwait her.

Sure enough, she asked impatiently, "And?"

"And what? That's pretty much what we did."

"You're not telling me what I want to know!"

"No, I'm not telling you what you want to hear. There is a very big difference."

"Maybe I _will _leave you up here for a few days. I bet some time spent with your head in the clouds will put something more in that insufferably logical mind of yours!"

"There is plenty enough emotion in my mind. I just choose not to show it when explaining experimental procedure. Trust me when I say that if I wanted to take the lid off, I would rather quickly inundate you with anger. That would be a bit of a bad idea, as you've kidnapped me and are the only person that knows I'm up here, but it would be satisfying for a short while."

"You… You are definitely not a pony. So that's all that happened? Just tests? No flirting with Big MacIntosh?"

"As far as I know, you didn't do any flirting with Big MacIntosh." _Doesn't mean he didn't try any on you, though…_

"As far as you know? That's comforting…" She harrumphed. "But I really wasn't planning on keeping you here that long. I'm sure Twilight would say something if her new favorite conversational partner disappeared." With that, she wrapped her front legs around me again, and took off.

It is an interesting feeling, flying like that. I wasn't paying as much attention before, thinking she'd still want revenge of some kind. This time, though, I tried paying a lot more attention.

So it was a lot more surprising when we were passing over a lake and she dropped me. My reflexes woke up this time and pulled overtime as I managed to grab onto one of her legs as she was sailing away snickering, and pulled myself up and onto her back. No, I don't know how. I wasn't really paying attention at the time.

That, readers, was a mistake. I rode a few horses and even a cow or two when I was a lot younger. Before I…er, developed. Those encounters did nothing at all to prepare me for a wild bucking flying mare that's doing her utmost to remove an indignity from her proud back. I held on for dear life as she did her best to remove me. I would have made everyone at any rodeo cheer for me, even though I didn't handicap myself with one hand in the air. Both were wrapped around her neck, trying to make sure I didn't fall off as she did everything she could to dislodge me.

Finally, as we were both getting completely exhausted, I tried reasoning with her. "You could just set me down!"

I was very surprised when she suddenly seemed to click on and say, "That's… that's not a bad idea…"

So it was that we found ourselves with both of my feet and all of hers planted firmly on the ground.

We both said something at the same time that painted a completely different picture. "Never again!" and "That was awesome!" Guess who said what.

"I never knew you humans could do that!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

"I… I didn't know I could, either. Remind me to never ride any of you again… God, I'm going to be feeling this for weeks."

"What do you mean, never do that again! How else are you going to help me train for the sky rodeo?"

"If the sky rodeo is a real thing—and God I hope it's not—why on earth would you want me to help you train for it? I'm the only bloody human here!"

"It's not a real thing. Yet. But just think! You're the only human here, as you said. If we were to have some kind of competition like that among pegasi to see who can knock you off the fastest, it could be a huge spectacle sport! We could get the Wonderbolts here, and they could see ME in all my glory, showing them all who's the best in yet another sport!"

"I see a few glaring flaws in your plan. First, as soon as I got bucked off, I'd go falling to the ground to crack my flaming skull. Second, since I'm the only human, I'd get more and more tired as the event goes on, making it harder for me to keep up. Third, despite what you may think, I'm actually a bit terrified of heights. I don't think I'm at Fluttershy's level of fear, but there's a reason I reacted so fast when you tried to bloody drop me."

"As many fliers as we'll have up there, you won't need to worry about falling more than a few feet. You'll be caught almost instantly by somepony. And we can easily have Twilight find a spell that completely revitalizes you! And surely you can get over a small bit of fear in order to help me succeed with my dream!"

_How do I keep getting roped into this crap_? I sighed. "If, and I do stress the _if_, you manage to get enough pegasi interested, I'm in. But if I die I will haunt you. And it won't be a pleasant haunting. There are a lot of very, very scary things in my world that I haven't mentioned to anyone here, and my imagination is vast."

"You won't regret it!" With that, she flew off. I knew almost immediately that I would likely regret it. Hopefully I'd at least live long enough to regret it. _Not like I wanted kids anyway._

I sighed and tried to get my bearings. In the waning light, it was a bit difficult. I found I wasn't that far from the town, and could probably get back to Rarity's shop before night fell. Why did she even want me to ask Applejack this question before the bloody kids needed watching?

A little note from your friend Discord:

Anyone actually reading this that has half a mind might notice something a bit odd about the preceding section. Namely, that I'm so much taller than Rainbow Dash and yet was able to ride her without too many problems.

There is one big issue here: The height difference. My height changes if I sit on a pony, due to my magic. I told Celestia I would keep some of my powers, you see.

I am omnipotent and my powers are limitless. 'Some' of infinity is still infinity.

I have wondered numerous times myself why this height change has never been noticed by any of the ponies. I don't get it; I didn't do anything to them to make them not notice. They're just really unobservant, I suppose.


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four—Wherein Luna is introduced to the town. Sort of.

When I finally made it back to Twilight's library, the last bit of sunlight had faded, and the moon felt like it was watching me as I opened the door and made my way inside. Twilight and Spike were already in bed, so I had to waste no time with idle pleasantries. I happily sighed and went to find a place to rest my weary and battered body.

When I finally sat down, but thankfully before I could get comfortable, I heard a knocking at the door. Hoping it was Rainbow Dash to tell me she had a change of heart, I made my way to the door.

It was Luna. Look, I know I made the offer to the poor lass to come and talk any time, but really? She _obviously _didn't have any other friends, if she came to talk to me two nights in a bloody row. I reached over to grab my coat and joined her outside.

"You'll have to excuse me if I walk a bit slowly and stiffly," I told her. "I'm battered and bruised from two encounters with overenthusiastic torturers today."

"That warrants some explaining, I believe," she said with a small smile.

"There are three wee lasses here that are looking to score their cutie marks. Their curiosity upon meeting me quickly turned into a desire to experiment upon me. To that end, I was today put in a cart upon a tall ramp, pushed down, and left to roll until one of them was able to catch up and 'rescue' me. I know this reference won't mean much to you, but they remind me of the three stooges. Poor lasses can't hardly do anything right, and they always manage to screw up more extravagantly when they're dealing with someone else. In this case, I was that someone else, and I was dumb enough to sit in that cart for them three times, and only once did they manage to catch up to me before I hit a rock and tumbled out."

"Foals will be foals, I guess. I think it's kind of cute that you're helping them out, though. Twilight doesn't have you running errands all day?"

"Thankfully, no. Most of the time I'm left with free time, unless she asks me to help."

"That was one of your mentioned encounters. What about the other?"

"I had to ride bareback on a rampaging and flying mare as she did her best to dislodge me with all her might."

"That… also warrants a bit more explanation."

"I don't know how much you know about Twilight's friends. In every group there is at least one prankster, and Rainbow Dash is one in this group. She took it upon herself to lift me up and try to drop me in a pond for a perceived slight upon her. I wasn't expecting to be dropped, so I managed to barely catch myself on one of her legs and pull myself up. She tried to dislodge me. It didn't work and I finally managed to talk sense into her long enough to get me on the ground. Then she lost that sense and decided that it would be awesome to have a 'sky rodeo' with me as the main victi—er, star."

"A sky rodeo? Who is allowed to participate, and what are the rules?"

"I don't know, and the only rule I'm concerned about is the one that involves saving the human before he falls to his death."

"You actually agreed to it? I'm surprised at you!"

"I agreed to it under the condition that she could get enough pegasi interested in it. I rather doubt that she'll be able to, thank God. Most of them probably haven't seen a human, and wouldn't want to be ridden by one if they had. Good riddance to that, too."

"What, you didn't enjoy your time up there?"

"I might not be opposed to the idea of riding one as they flew regularly, just from point A to point B. Trying to hold on as they kick and buck is a bit more than I'm interested in."

"It sounds interesting to me."

"If you can ever find a spell that will turn you into a human, be my guest."

"I meant for the pegasus. It would be a fun test of skill."

"You are not making me any happier that I agreed to it, even if it was under such an improbable conditional."

"I'm sure you'll survive, if she gets the support. And I'm sure I or my sister could find a spell that would, if nothing else, make you fall a lot slower."

"A spell that was made to work on ponies, who have a bit more mass and a very different shape than me. I'll be risking a lot just letting Twilight revitalize me in between rounds. I'm going to ask her to experiment tomorrow with the various aches and pains I have now."

"If you want, I could try now."

"If you heal me now, I'll have to get new aches and pains for Twilight to experiment on before the actual event happens, unless you're planning on showing up to see it and can heal me there instead of Twilight."

"Me, miss my favorite human get thrown about? Wouldn't miss it for the moon."

We were nearing a fountain. I sat on the edge and told her to try if she wanted.

She smiled and lowered her horn to touch me lightly on the arm. A very concentrated black orb pulsed out of the tip of her horn and into my arm. All my muscles froze up for an instant, and my eyes were seeing white. When I was able to see and feel again, I found myself thrown against the statue in the fountain, smoking lightly. My entire skin felt like it was on fire. I opened my mouth to scream, but the burning sensation left as soon as it came and I instead let out a discontented warble. I noticed that, at the very least, all the pain was gone.

"What… what did you do?" I managed to stammer.

"I healed all your physical impurities," she told me.

I checked my body over quickly. I was missing the small collection of scars I had picked up in my life. They were from nothing big, just accidents and a surgery, but I liked to occasionally lie about how I got them. I also noticed that I was missing the occasional rheumy cough that I had spent all my life with.

"I don't know why it hit you so hard," she continued. "You must have had a lot more wrong with you than just aches and pains!"

I continued checking over my body. All the missing skin around my fingers was back—just a nervous tick I have, picking at it. The slight arthritis I picked up due to my genetics appeared to be gone, as my habitual knee ache was gone. My nose was no longer half clogged. I couldn't even feel the phlegm that was constantly at the back of my throat. As she said, I appeared to have been fixed of each and every physical problem.

When I was able to get over the shock and see that she was still looking at me, concerned, I managed to flash a weak grin. "Don't worry about me, lass. Just trying to sort out what all you actually did to me. Trust me when I say that it's a lot more than you know."

"Magic is a wonderful thing."

I didn't answer. I tried to get to my legs and managed a shaky stance. I picked my way off the frozen fountain and got my feet back on the dirt. Before she could say anything else, I hugged the princess around the neck. _Holy shit, she's really soft_! Her flowing hair was like silk and her wings were like velvet.

I could tell she wasn't expecting a hug. When I let her go, she still had a look of surprise on her face, and her wings were flared.

"You removed pains I've had for so long that I didn't notice them anymore. I figure that was justified," I told her.

"How do you… stop noticing pain?" she asked, her wings slowly lowering.

"It's like breathing or blinking. It's just something that's always there, and becomes normal for you. You don't notice that you're always blinking or always breathing until you stop to think about it. The pain I was carrying was constant, so I eventually phased it out. I had to actually concentrate to see if I could feel it anymore."

"Humans are very, very odd."

"How do you know that it isn't just me that's very, very odd?"

"Because I'm pretty sure if what I said wasn't true, you wouldn't have said what you just did."

"Odd is relative. I'm surprised there aren't plenty of ponies that are hiding pain like this as well. Applejack's grandmother is old and has a bad hip. You can't tell me she's not in some kind of pain because of that."

"I've… I've never really thought about it like that. I just know that I've never felt much physical pain. I never thought that it might actually be common…"

"You also don't spend much time around the regular ponies. If you want to rule your subjects, you need to know them. It would also help if they knew you more."

"And you expect me to come to a festival designed around fear of me—or rather, Nightmare Moon."

"When better?" At her look, I tried explaining, "Let the people see you as you are in contrast to what they fear. You've yet to cause me any manner of harm, and you don't even look the same as Nightmare Moon anymore." Though admittedly, I could barely see Luna in the weak light. And I had never seen Nightmare Moon. The only reason I knew is because Twilight mentioned it in her ramblings about the festival.

"As I said, Navarone, I will think on it." She readied her wings again, and again I stopped her.

"You know, you didn't tell me anything about your day. Or rather, your night. Or when you were practicing talking."

She lowered her wings and said somewhat coolly, "You are correct. I did not."

"Friendship is about give and take. You don't have to tell me anything, of course. But I will listen if you want to."

She looked at me for half a minute, and finally said, "I will answer a question or two."

"Who have you been practicing talking with?"

Ponies are truly terrible, terrible liars. Every one of them I have seen tell a lie—the very small number of them—has so many tells that you know automatically when one is lying. And the funny thing? Not a single one of them notices. A pony can lie to another pony all day long and unless the one getting lied to can obviously tell the other pony is lying by looking at evidence, they'll always believe each other.

I have abused the hell out of this.

Anyway, I just put that in there to explain how I immediately knew Luna was lying when she said, "My other friends."

"You don't have to lie to me. Mind, you also don't have to tell me the truth. I won't judge you either way."

She sighed. "My servants…"

I nodded slowly. "Come on by the festival, princess. We'll find you some ponies to talk to."

I think she smiled. I know she flew off.

I feel yet another intermission is in order, as I should probably take some time to explain my sleep schedule. In short, it was all kinds of fucked up at the time. Basically, it was, like, six AM to two PM, but it also fluctuated. I'd often wait until I was completely exhausted and then try to sleep, and make sure I woke up early to stay virtually exhausted.

It was painful, and I was not at my best. And in case you're wondering, it honestly didn't help with the dreams. I just like to tell myself it did. The only thing that stopped me from making more alcohol was lack of resources and avoiding hypocrisy.

I figured something was going to give, soon.

The next day found me in another small adventure, this time with the resident dragon.

"Navarone," Spike started, "how do you get mares to notice you?" _Oh God_.

"That is a loaded question, and it's one that I'm not sure how to answer," I replied. We were out in the middle of a field, looking for some kind of alchemical supplies or something for Twilight. I wasn't really paying attention when she told us what to do; I knew Spike was, and she wrote it all down anyway, so I figured we would be fine.

"What's a loaded question?" he asked.

"A question that, in this case, is something that I can't answer without getting in some kind of trouble. I'll do my best to answer it, but follow any of the things I tell you at your own peril. First things first: Have you tried telling her how you feel?"

"I've made it as obvious as possible! I've done everything she's asked, even the really nasty stuff, I always show my love and adoration on my face and it's always evident in my voice, but she still doesn't seem to notice!"

"Spike, for the most part, women are very, very bad at picking up stuff like that. A lot of times, when a guy likes a girl, he'll do all sorts of big things to impress her. She never notices, or just thinks it is kindness. On the flipside of that, when a girl likes a guy, she does all sorts of little things to impress him. He never notices. Both sides have very different methods of showing affection and love for the other, and because of that both sides have a hard time telling when the other likes them. Your best bet to make her notice is just telling her straight up." Look, I've never had a girlfriend. I have, however, seen way too many romantic comedies, and I figure I can look at everything they do in movies like that and as long as I do the exact opposite, I should be fine.

"So you're suggesting I just… tell her how I feel? Won't that feel awkward?"

"Yes, it will. But—and don't take this negatively—it'll also quicken the process. If you tell her straight up you like her and she snuffs out your hopes, you know you don't need to waste any more time on her. If you've done all you said you have for her, by now she either feels the same way or she probably never will." I won't lie, I know who he's talking about. I'm also pretty sure she knows, and I'm pretty sure she's using him because of his affection. Rarity isn't necessarily a bad person, but she is somewhat manipulative. With all her workload, though, I do kind of understand it. I figured this would be a good way to cut Spike off her leash, though.

"If she says she isn't interested in me, what then? What if it's somepony I need to work with often?"

I decided to tease him a bit about it. "Don't tell me this girl is Twilight."

"What? No! It's Ra—I mean, this is all hypothetical!" I smiled.

"In that case, if she says she isn't interested in you, just drop it. Feel free to help her if you want, but just note that you'll probably never be able to _make _her feel the same way you do about her. It's a painful thought, I know, but it's also the truth. Besides, how long do dragons even live? And how long until you're fully grown?" I could tell I hit a bit of a soft spot, and I immediately regretted the words. "Don't worry about it, man. Even if this girl isn't the one for you, you'll find one someday. Besides, you haven't even asked her yet!"

"I think I would feel too nervous to ever ask her that…"

I almost made the cardinal mistake of relationship helping. I almost offered to ask her for him. My mouth was open and the words were forming before I managed to strangle the words away. I disguised the sound with a cough.

Much good it did me. "Navarone, you think you could, I don't know, maybe ask her for me?"

Well, shit. "Before I answer that, I want to tell you a few things. First, that's basically the cardinal mistake in relationship planning, and it could go one of a few ways with about an equal chance of each happening. Possibility one is complete success. I ask her and she answers. Possibility two is partial success. I ask her and she refuses to answer, because I'm not asking for myself. Possibility three is partial failure. I screw up somehow and ask her in a way that makes it seem like I'm asking about her opinions toward me instead of toward you, and she answers that way instead. Possibility four is complete and total failure. Don't ask me how it happens, because I don't even want to think about it, but it ends with you banned from her presence forever and me as her eternal slave."

"Those don't seem very likely."

"And this doesn't seem very hypothetical."

"…Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anypony about it. The last pony I told blabbed it to somepony."

"I don't tell secrets, lad. If I did, I would have told Rarity a long time ago that you liked her. I honestly don't know how she hasn't figured it out, or if she knows and is just waiting for you to make a move."

"Okay, the secret is—wait, what? Did Twilight tell you too?"

"Dude, it's incredibly obvious. I mean, I don't do relationships at all, and I figured it out as soon as I saw you near her."

"But… but… what?"

I saw an interesting chance to get out of work I wasn't planning on doing anyway. "If you really want me to go ask her, you'll have to finish this work yourself."

"On second thought, I think I'll just keep to my method, and hope for the best…" _Well, it was worth a shot._

I read a lot, and I never really thought about time passing in books. But when I decided to write up this journal, I ended up really thinking about it. An hour working in silence, digging through leaves, is a long, long time. Odd how stuff like that doesn't end up in your perspective until you actually have to live it.

After that hour, I decided a different approach. "Well, maybe human women are different from ponies."

"What do you mean?"

"Maybe stuff that would work in my world wouldn't work here. I don't know, I've never thought to try it. I don't even know how interracial stuff like that would work here, nor do I really want to know." _I mean, the cockatrice had to come from somewhere_. "You'd honestly be better off asking a pony. A male pony, not a female one. A male pony that's in a stable relationship."

"I don't actually know many stallions. Twilight doesn't hang out with them and I don't get out of the library much. The only one I know is Big MacIntosh, and he's not in a relationship."

"I've noticed that, too, actually. Have you ever met Twilight's parents? If nothing else you could ask her dad."

"He'd probably assume I was asking to try to get Twilight to like me, though!"

"What people think doesn't usually matter that much. Let him think what he wants, as long as he gives you the results you need. If he doesn't want to help you, assure him it's for one of her friends, or something."

"I don't know…"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"I get banned from her presence and Twilight's dad becomes her eternal slave."

The rest of our search passed with us thinking of increasingly random and off the wall possibilities of things that could happen if someone botched a relationship. It was pretty amusing. One ended up with the guy exiled to another continent, one ended up with him almost dead and then in love with her sister, one ended with the guy going through a complete and total hell only to realize he never really liked her in the first place, and one ended up with the girl saying yes on accident and then being completely passive aggressive for the rest of the relationship.

That night, Princess Luna didn't stop by. I figured she was trying to take my advice and making some friends among ponies. I was rather doggedly not taking hers, and doing my best to stay awake as long as I could.

Nothing really interesting happened the next day, aside from Twilight somehow removing all the hair on one of my legs, and turning the hair on one of my arms white. I don't know what she was trying to do, as she never told me, but I don't think it worked right.

And dammit, my leg was cold…

Since the rest of that week and the one after were mostly boring, I figured I would skip ahead to the festival.

I was lying on a patch of moss outside of Fluttershy's house when night fell. I had a bunny over my eyes, blocking out as much of the light as I could. Twilight was pacing back and forth, jingling with every step; she was wearing some costume of a wizard or something, and it was covered in bells. Fluttershy was watching Twilight with increasing nervousness, occasionally darting her eyes to the sky. Every time a bit of wind rustled the leaves or a cloud passed over, she flinched and whimpered.  
Fluttershy, as I'm sure you might have been able to guess, was not a fan of this festival. She doesn't like scary. And if she didn't have Twilight's guarantee that Luna wouldn't hurt her, she would be locked in her house.

Night fell. Luna didn't show up.

"M-m-maybe she decided not to c-c-come!" Fluttershy stuttered. I imagined she was looking at her door hopefully; my eyes were still covered by a warm bunny that was twitching slightly in its sleep.

"Nav said she would think about it, not that she would actually come. I hope she does, but I don't plan on waiting here all night."

"She'll be here," I said. The bunny flinched.

Fluttershy squealed when she heard my voice. The bunny looked up, allowing me to open an eye. Nothing happening. I closed it again, and the bunny, seeing the same thing, fell back asleep. "Sorry," Fluttershy whispered. "I thought you were asleep."

Not a second after that, though, a large cloud formed overhead, and a loud clap of thunder sent the rabbit jumping away in terror. I opened my eyes and saw a pair of demons descending from the skies.

Fluttershy straight up fainted. Twilight openly gaped. I just stared.

It didn't take us long to discern that the demons were pulling a chariot. And once we realized that, we discovered that Princess Luna was in the chariot. _That is totally badass_. As it turned out, the 'demons' were actually ponies with bat wings. Luna's night guards, I later learned. They were dark grey with purple armor. The crest on their helmet looked reptilian, and stood straight up like a mohawk. And then I saw their eyes: Light amber, reflecting light, with cat-like pupils. The chest-piece of their armor met together with a blue stone that looked like another cat eye. They were, as I said, completely badass looking.

Twilight was still gaping when the chariot landed and Luna stepped off. I got to my feet and lightly tapped Fluttershy with my foot. She lightly groaned. _It's going to be a long night_.

I finally got a good look at Luna, too: The moon was out fully, and Luna seemed radiant in its glow. She was much taller than Twilight, and her horn was much larger. Around her neck was some manner of black necklace, with a half-moon featured in the center. She seemed to be wearing some kind of light blue slippers, though that might have just been her hooves. On her head was a tiara of similar color and design as the necklace. Her eyes were a light turquoise. And her hair and tail seemed to flow in the night sky, moving of its own volition.

"Well Princess," I said, "you surprised the hell out of me. Nice ride. It's going to scare the shit out of ponies, though."

Princess Luna looked down at Fluttershy, and then up to me. "I will work on finding… more accommodating transportation." She shifted her gaze to Twilight. "Twilight Sparkle. I hear you have some manner of plan?"

"Navarone, you already know all this. Try to help Fluttershy while I explain it to the princess."

I knelt down next to the catatonic Fluttershy and tried shaking her. "Fluttershy, it's time to wake up." She muttered something. I poked her in her side. "If you don't get up, I'm going to find out if ponies are ticklish." Nothing.

As it turns out, ponies are ticklish. And Fluttershy is very susceptible to it. I had her giggling and squealing in no time. I stopped. "Now, are you going to faint again?" I asked.

"Not if it means you'll tickle me again!" She suddenly looked terrified. "Are the demons gone?" she asked, trying to huddle against me.

"They weren't demons. They were Princess Luna's servants."

She started stuttering something about Nightmare Moon.

"No, not Nightmare Moon's servants. Princess Luna's servants. You have Twilight's word they won't harm you." She wasn't impressed. I sighed. "Would it help if I offered to protect you, or something?" She nodded weakly. I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I won't let Princess Luna hurt you."

I stood and offered her a hand. She gave me her hoof and I helped her up. As soon as she saw Luna, she held on as tight as she could. Despite not having fingers, mind. I pried her hoof off my hand, and she immediately huddled as tight against me as she could. I sighed again, and put an arm around her.

"Princess Luna," Twilight said, "this is Fluttershy." Princess Luna held out a hoof. Fluttershy jerked back and Luna got an unpleasant look on her face. After a reassuring squeeze from me and a small look shared with Twilight, Fluttershy shook hooves with her. _Progress_.

"I have heard much about you, Fluttershy," Luna said. "Would you care to show me some of your nocturnal animals?"

That perked Fluttershy right up. Any chance to talk about her animals drove most fear out of her. She fled from my arm and took the princess in hand. Or hoof, I suppose. They walked around Fluttershy's menagerie of critters.

Twilight and I looked at each other. "Long night?" I asked.

"Yep." We shared a sigh. "But if she got Fluttershy on her side, the rest should be fairly easy. The ponies back in Ponyville know what kind of pony Fluttershy is. It should all go well enough."

No plan that ever should 'go well' has run into Pinkie Pie and survived. She is a magnet for trouble and has no real manner of impulse control. She's like a furby.

The four of us were walking back into town when we ran into Pinkie Pie and a large squad of kids. Fluttershy was still talking our ears off about some manner of animal or something; I try not to pay attention when she starts on about them.

Mind, Pinkie Pie knew the princess was supposed to come by tonight. She knew that, and she knew what we were trying to do with her.

As soon as she saw us, she screamed something about Nightmare Moon and bolted. The children ran with her. _Dammit, Pinkie._

I was rubbing my temple, Fluttershy was looking flustered, Princess Luna was looking depressed, and Twilight was looking confused.

Twilight finally said, "I don't understand. She was…" She sighed. "Pinkie Pie. Nav, can you go figure out what she's doing?"

I was the odd one out of that group anyway. Or rather, one of the two odd ones. It made the most sense to send me.

The thing is, I had no idea where they may have gone. I pushed my way through the crowd of curious ponies that had formed around us. Twilight began saying something or another to the assembled masses. I walked on.

I bumped into Spike and Applejack not long after I got out of the crowd. Spike was dressed as a… dragon. _Well, why not_? Applejack was dressed as a scarecrow, or something. Me, I wasn't dressed as anything. Waste of time, though Rarity had offered to make me something. They pointed me off in the right direction. I made a pointed reminder that Luna isn't supposed to be scary.

It didn't take me too much longer to find Pinkie and the group of kids with her. I had almost caught up to them when a massive bolt of fucking lightning shot down and hit the ground between us. They ran off squealing again and I stood my ground, trying to blink the after-image from my eyes. Lightning isn't something you just see and dismiss. I was partially blinded for a few minutes, and the full after-image didn't depart my eyes for a few days. After the thunderclap stopped echoing in my ears, I heard a very Rainbow Dash-esque laugh, and was barely able to make a dark figure zooming off into the night with a rainbow tail following it.

I continued my search. I figured if I followed some leads on who was giving out the most candy, I could find them pretty easily. So I started paying attention to conversations. It took me a few minutes to sort through the unimportant conversations and pick up the piercing shrills of children. _Cheerilee_. I had heard that name before, it was the name of a teacher or something. But I had no idea where she lived. _Back to wandering._

Thankfully, Pinkie Pie is always incredibly noticeable wherever she goes. It didn't take me long to find her again. Nothing impeded my access to her, and I pushed through the gaggle of kids surrounding her, to find myself face to face with a bloody chicken. After a look, I realized it was Pinkie Pie in a chicken costume. Yup, that's Pinkie Pie for you.

She broke into a smile when she saw me, though. "Navarone! I thought you would be with Twilight and the princess. What are you doing away from them? Or… Or are they hiding nearby, waiting to eat one of us?" The kids looked alarmed at that, and began fruitlessly searching the shadows.

"I _thought _we had been over this, lass," I said. "Luna is here to make friends. Your fear-mongering and running away with a gaggle of children is not helping."

"But sometimes being scared is fun!"

"Not for the person that you're scared of. Seeing all of you run away screaming cut Luna pretty deeply. She regrets what she became. How is she to go about making friends if every time she tries, ponies flee?"

She hmphed, but thought about it for a few seconds. "Fiiiine!" I nodded and turned to go. "Wait, where are you going?"

I turned back to her. "Princess Luna wants to make friends with these ponies. If she wants to do that, it's best that I'm not anywhere around her. I wasn't involved with any part of Twilight's plot, so I was planning on just sitting back and watching it all unfold from somewhere away from everything."

"Don't you want to make friends with the ponies, too?"

"Not particularly, no." So I told Luna I would try. I say a lot of things. Some of them are true. "If you need me, I might be around. Then again, I might not."

Of course, it's harder to shake Pinkie Pie than that. She continued following me, and with her came the group of kids.  
I can be stubborn, too. They all watched as I scaled the wall of a building and lay on the straw roof, eyes to the sky. "You're no fun sometimes, Nav!" Pinkie Pie yelled up at me. _The only thing I'm missing is a warm bunny._

From most of the accounts I heard, the night went swimmingly. Luna apparently took my absence well enough. Pinkie Pie handled herself well. Twilight's plans went off without too many hitches, though Rainbow Dash did her best to be a nuisance.

Me, I almost fell asleep on the roof a few times. The occasional thunder from Rainbow Dash kept me awake, thankfully. When most of the ponies had returned to their homes, I descended and landed right next to a light purple pony.

"What were you doing on my roof?" she asked, looking at me with restrained fear.

"Hiding," I answered. "Good night, ma'am."

"Wait," she said. I stopped. "Hiding from what?"

I waved my arm at some of the remaining small groups of children. "Them," I said. "They're afraid of me. So on a night like this, when the main objective is to have fun, I find it is best if I stay out of the way. I shouldn't ruin it for everyone else."

She nodded slowly. I saw she was no longer afraid of me. "Anypony willing to put the enjoyment of others above their own wishes can't be bad. I'll talk to my students about you. Now, I've seen you here and there, and I've heard rumors about you from my students. But what exactly _are _you?"

"I'm a human. I suppose you are Ms. Cheerilee?"

"That's me. So what's a human?"

"A race of mammals that lives in another dimension remarkably similar to this one. Twilight accidentally summoned me."

"I… see." I don't think she did. "What's your name?"

"Navarone."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Navarone." I nodded, and went on my way. I made it back to Twilight's library with no other interruptions.

There, I was met with a bit of hate. "Where were you all night, Nav?" Twilight demanded.

"On Cheerilee's roof, apparently. Pinkie Pie knew where I was, if you had needed me."

Twilight snorted. "Thankfully, we didn't. Princess Luna handled herself well enough. No thanks to you."

"Twilight, you want her to be accepted. I am not accepted. It was for the best that I not be around for this. I think my part was done well enough just getting her here."

"Nav, sometimes you're just so… ugh!" To be fair, that is a pretty accurate description. "What if part of the plan was to get _you _accepted as well?"

"I'm fine with being an outcast, actually." I had never been picked up and shaken like a ragdoll before. I don't suggest it; it was not enjoyable. "Feel better?" I asked when she set me down. My head was reeling and I could barely stand.

"Much. I'm going to bed."

I went to bed as well; I was bloody tired, dreams be damned.


	6. Chapter Five

Chapter Five—Dammit Rainbow Dash. IE, Sky Rodeo is a go!

A few days later heralded something interesting. And unfortunate, at least as far as I'm concerned.

I was rudely awoken at what I consider the ungodly hour of noon by a loud crash against my window. It should come to no surprise that it was Rainbow Dash.

When I opened the window and she peeled herself off the panes, I said "You know, you really should check to see if these things are closed before you try to fly through them."

"I know, but I was just so excited! I was starting to give up hope about finding anypony interested in any kind of sky rodeo, when I suddenly got several visitors from Canterlot that heard about it somehow and said they were interested! They agreed to help me spread the word, and suddenly I got outpourings of support from just about every avenue! I even heard Princess Celestia herself seemed interested in it!" My heart sunk with every word. The last sentence, though, tipped me off. _Dammit, Luna._ I suppose that was my punishment for bailing on her.

I managed to put a sickly sort of grin on my face. "Great," I said with every bit of fake enthusiasm I could muster. "When is it planned for?"

"…Planned for?"

"Don't tell me you tried to get people interested in an event you didn't plan any kind of date for."

"Uhhh…"

"So you have this massive outpouring of support, but no real plans. Yeah, this'll be fun. Let's see… Twilight's good at organizing stuff, right? Why don't you ask her for help?"

"Are you saying I can't do it?"

"I'm saying, first, that you didn't do it already, and second, that Twilight is good at organizing. That's it. You wanted to do this silly thing, so it should be your responsibility to plan it out and whatnot, but Twilight is good at this stuff so we could ask her for help." _Or if all else fails, we can lie and say it was canceled due to lack of interest…_

"Why don't you just organize it?"

"Because I don't know anything about the facilities available, or the dates required, or the fees involved. I'm not a very good organizer or a planner, and I can't use magic to make myself able to stay on clouds long enough to ask the pertinent questions, and even if I could all the Pegasi up there would probably freak out to see a human for the first time, in their territory, without any kind of supervision. Also, I don't really want to."

"Those are mostly good reasons. So, where's Twilight?"

"You woke me up when you slammed into the window. I don't know where she is. Probably in the library or her lab."

"She _does _get out, you know. Not much, but it happens."

"Both of my statements were probablies, not statements of facts. Shall we go search for her?"

"Sometimes, Navarone, you're just as bad as Twilight."

"Is that an insult or a compliment?"

She pretended to think for a minute, before saying simply, "Yes."

As it turns out, she was in the library, but she wasn't poring over a book. Some random pony was checking out a book, which surprised me; I sometimes forgot that this was actually a library instead of Twilight's personal book storage space. I was also surprised that any of the ponies aside from the intellectuals read anything, but then, my world didn't exactly leave me with much confidence in the intelligence of the common people.

When the redshirt left, Rainbow Dash and I addressed Twilight, but I managed to beat Rainbow Dash to the punch.

"You might want to check the window in my room. It took a bit of a beating this morning. Again."

Twilight just rolled her eyes and Rainbow Dash gave me one of those looks women give men when they promise divine retribution later, in private.

"So Twilight," Rainbow Dash said, "how would you feel about planning something unique and untried?"

"That depends on what it is I'm planning, and what it will require," she answered.

"Rainbow Dash plans a… rodeo, of sorts." I said. "A Sky Rodeo, if you will. I'm to be the victim of choice, as it turns out. I suppose she'll want to do it in the clouds, given the name. I have no idea how much planning will be involved, honestly, not for an event like this might be."

"An event like this _might _be? What, exactly, are you expecting?" Twilight asked. I looked at Rainbow Dash, who gave a sly smile.

"Wellllll... I heard from a friend who knows a stallion that said Princess Celestia herself seems interested in this event. And I've gotten a huge outpouring of support from the pegasi in Canterlot, so that seems to prove it in a way. And if they spread the word elsewhere, there's no telling how many spectators and participants there'll be! Just think, Twilight: Pegasi from everywhere, all gathered to see me, Rainbow Dash! Even the Wonderbolts might be there!" At this point she somehow—and I still haven't figured out how ponies did this, and I see them do it often—grabbed Twilight with her front hooves and started shaking her back and forth. "You just gotta help me!"

I decided to cut her off before she started gushing any more, and pulled her off Twilight. "In any event," I said, "I fear we can expect a large number of people there, possibly including at least one of the royal family. And Rainbow doesn't know how to plan for something this big, and I wouldn't know where to start planning for something this big. You're the best organizer we know, and I figure you have contacts and ways to get something like this on its feet."

Twilight, still a bit shaken, was silent for a moment. Eventually, she managed, "Sky… rodeo?" I sighed, and nodded my head. She rolled her eyes again and continued, "I'll try to help, but I can make no promises. This sounds like it'll be an interesting event, that's for sure."

Rainbow Dash gushed praises, thanks, and promises of glory, all of which Twilight bore with the nonchalance of someone well used to such effuse displays. I just shook my head and tried to put the fact that I'll be risking my life soon out of my head.

After going back upstairs to get ready for the day—and don't ask what that entails; I still find it hard to get used to some parts of pony world—I decided to take a walk. Not like there's much else for me to do here. For all its peace and quiet, this world, or maybe just this town, was usually really boring. There were some flares of excitement here and there, but it was often just a daily tedium of finding something to amuse yourself long enough to make it to the next day.

But anyway, I went on a walk, hunting for the day's adventure.

Instead of adventure, however, I found Pinkie Pie. I don't know which would be worse, but I know which I was stuck with, at least for the moment.

"So I heard you and Rainbow Dash were planning a competition!" she said to me, very accusatorily.

"And where did you hear such nonsense?" I asked as innocently as I could.

"Oh, I bet you'd like to know! I bet you'd REALLY like to know!"

"Yes, I would. That's why I asked."

"Oh." It's hard to imagine someone that pink blushing, or seeing the blush through the fur, but I've already noticed this world doesn't work like ours. So I saw her blush somehow. "Well, I won't tell you. So, is it true?" she asked, with such a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Technically, we're not planning anything. Twilight is. Rainbow Dash came up with the idea. I'm just an innocent victim of it."

"You? Innocent?" A rare moment of lucidity shined through in the madness that normally surrounds her. "Can I help? Or can I compete?"

"I can answer the second question easier than the first, and that answer is probably not. The first question I can't answer at all, as that would be for Twilight to decide."

"What do you mean, I can't compete!? I'm the best at… whatever it is this competition is about!"

"Maybe if it was partying," I said. _Or being insane_. "But this is something a bit more dangerous, at least for me. And it's something that requires a third dimension of mobility you genetically lack."

"A third whoosie-what-now?"

"You don't have wings. Wings are required."

"Psh. That's easy! Twilight knows how to make wings!"

"You forget: Twilight will be planning the competition, and that spell is supposedly difficult to cast. She can't afford to be tired during the actual event, in case something big comes up."

"Oh…" She seemed to partially deflate. Watching Pinkie Pie is always a lesson in what I would normally call humanity, but I suppose in this case that doesn't really apply. She's very… expressive, I suppose would be the best word. Every move she makes is full of emotion and meaning, and everything she does seems to be full of life. It's a shame she's bloody insane, or she'd be either a very charismatic leader or at least a very good person to talk to. As it stood, though, she was hard to talk to for long periods of time, because she was always ready to do… anything, I guess, and was always looking to try new things. I swear, she'd be the perfect Slaaneshi cultist. Or the perfect squirrel.

"If nothing else," I said, for some reason trying to cheer her up—that's another thing about her: it's impossible to stand seeing her sad—"you could ask Twilight if you could help with concessions or something. Or planning the after party. I don't really know what something like this would involve."

That seemed to perk her up a bit. "I love planning parties! Do you really think Twilight could use my help?"

_If it gets you out of my hair for a bit, why not?_ "You'd have to ask her." She bounced off to do that. And I do mean bounce: for some reason, her primary mode of transportation is skipping.

I barely managed a few more steps out of the village when I was accosted yet again, this time by a fuzzy ball of fur.

"Sup, Angel?" The rabbit pointed off in a direction in which I assumed he wanted me to follow, and I fell in step behind him.

We weren't walking too long when we ran into Fluttershy, playing with some of the few animals that stay awake through the fall and winter. Honestly, I'm surprised Angel was even up and about, but then what the hell do I know about animals?

"Oh, Navarone, fancy seeing you here…" she said.

"Because you didn't send for me or anything, right?"

"Oh… yeah." Again, a blush. What is it with me today?

"Let me guess: Somehow you heard about the competition, and you want to compete."

"Oh, no! I wouldn't! I'm much too noncompetitive to enter anything like… whatever it is you're doing."

"How do you know we're not planning a shyness competition?"

"Because Rainbow Dash is involved?" Then, realizing what she said, she colored again. "Oh, please don't tell her I said that!" I smiled.

"So, if this isn't about the competition, what did you need?"

"This _is _about the competition, but not about competing in it. I wanted to know if there was any way I could help."

"You'd have to ask Twilight. But if Twilight says she can't use you, I could use your help in making sure I don't fall to my death. If there's any way you could convince any of your animal friends to make sure I don't crack my skull by falling from the clouds, your help is welcome. I've been promised magical help in that area, but I always prefer to trust in the more mundane methods than any magic." _Even if mundane in this case is trusting animals that have a magic connection with a pony to save me._

"I'll be sure to ask Twilight, and I'll see about helping you as well."

"Awesome. You need anything while I'm here, or is that all you called me for?"

"Oh… no. You… um, you scare most of my animals."

"Yeah, I'm good at that. See you around, lass." With that, I took my leave. I started laying down bets in my head for the next one of the group to find me.

For the record, I saw Rarity first, but she was accompanied by Applejack. And, I noticed, the three smaller ponies. I don't know what I'm actually supposed to call them. Apparently all the people here are ponies. None of them ever actually become horses, though, and seem to get annoyed with I call them that. But how, then, am I supposed to distinguish between ponies like Twilight and ponies like Applebloom? Foal? Filly? Colt? Humans have too many bloody names for things.

After making an effort to unscramble their impromptu barrage of questions, I started levying out answers. "Yes, Rarity, I'm well. Just tired. No, Applejack, I'm not that hungry. Scootaloo, I last saw Rainbow Dash at Twilight's library, but I don't know if she's still there. No, Applebloom, I won't help you make a spear and become an Amazon warrior. No, Sweetie Belle, I don't know anything about ancient Roman… Wait, what? How did you… never mind."

"Navarone, just the pony we wanted to see!" Rarity said. Never a good sign.

"I swear, that child isn't mine! I wasn't even in town at the time!" I said. I have to admit, that stumped the hell out of her. I actually registered what she said, then: "Also, I'm not a pony."

Applejack decided to take the reins. "Anyway… We heard you and Rainbow Dash have been planning something big, and we wanted to know if we could help."

"You and everyone else, it appears. I'll tell you what I told Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy: Ask Twilight. She's the one planning this shindig now. Applejack, you can probably help with food supplies or something. Rarity, you can probably… well, I want to forbid you from making costumes, because I'd probably be the one to have to wear it, but you won't listen to me anyway. So I'll tell you this: When you ask Twilight and she says you can help with my costume, don't make it garish. I don't want to be sweating like a pig or dressed brighter than a bloody fruit." She had the grace to look slightly embarrassed, though she also mixed it with a bit of anger. Applejack smiled and the girls giggled.

"Yes. Well. We shall see what Twilight says, then." Rarity stormed off in a huff, and I knew I'd probably regret it, but it was somewhat worth it to rile her up a bit._ I foresee sequins in my future…_ The others stayed for a second, though.

"What about us, Navarone?" Scootaloo asked. "Do you think there's anything we could do to help?"

I remembered stories from Twilight about their act in a school talent show thing. It had not gone well, apparently. "Ask Twilight," is all I said. "She'll know better than I what she needs you for."

The young ones ran off after Rarity, laughing gaily and talking about helping in something of which they don't even know yet.

"So, Navarone, I heard this is some kind of rodeo. Think there's any way I'd be able to compete?"

"As much as I'd like another friendly face that actually cares if I fall to my death involved in the competition, I don't think it's possible. This will probably be in the sky, in whatever the pegasus city is called. Wings will be needed, and they'll probably have to be strong wings, not the delicate stuff that magic apparently makes."

"Well, shoot. And the city up there is called Cloudsdale, by the way." With that, she ran off.

So. Cloudsdale. I finally had a name for the city of my probable death. Such an innocent sounding name for a place where I'll likely meet my doom, but then I suppose all names are innocent sounding until they're drowned in blood and buried in sorrow.

I'll skip over most of the preparations, but some should probably be mentioned. Twilight decided to wait until spring to do the event, so I wouldn't freeze in the atmosphere. It felt like a very long wait, that's for sure.

The night after we press-ganged Twilight into planning the whole debacle, I received another visit from Luna. A very smug-looking Luna. As soon as I saw her face through the window, I was tempted to pretend I was asleep.

She saw me peeking through the window, though, so that plan didn't work out well.

"So, this WAS your fault!" I accused her when I got outside.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I just made a few new friends, like you suggested." The very model of innocence. Bah.

"You made a few new friends, and yet you decided to come back to humor little ol' me," I said, trying to somewhat hiding my sarcasm.

"As a princess, I must make even the least important members of my realm feel like they matter. I suppose that means I should start with you, after all!" _I am training her way, way too well._

"Okay then, oh wise ruler: What should I do about someone that helped put me in mortal danger?"

"That depends on the level of danger involved, of course. Say, for instance, the danger was only exaggerated and easily staved off, even though it didn't look like that at the time. Should the one that puts you in danger really be punished?"

"I suppose only time will tell. I'll totally haunt you if I die, though. And I won't be nice about it, either."

"When did we start talking about something _I _did?"

"Oh, yes, because you're completely innocent about getting Rainbow Dash enough support to go through on her bloody annoying plan to get me to fall to my death in front of a massive crowd."

"You're right, I _am _completely innocent. I don't know what at all would give you the idea that I would be involved!" The level of sarcasm in our speech was getting too much, even for me.

"I don't know, maybe it had something to do with the promises of royal support I heard Rainbow Dash yammering about. Surely the more responsible of the two sisters wouldn't be involved in something as base as this!"

"You're right, I would never condone an act such as this! I really should take Celestia in hoof."

I can't lie, she had me at that line. I busted out laughing, and she followed me shortly after.

Then I sobered and gave her my most serious face possible, which doesn't really look like that much anyway, and said: "I'm serious. I will give Twilight orders to the effect of summoning my soul back to haunt this realm if this kills me. I will scare you for the rest of your life." In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to say to someone that had been locked in solitary confinement for a thousand years.

"Don't worry. With all the magical enchantments you're going to be getting, you will be completely safe. Besides, I'm almost positive you told Rainbow Dash the same thing."

"That might be true, but your life is a lot longer than hers. I can haunt her for the rest of her life, then I can haunt you when she dies."

"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?"

"No. There are a few things that can catch me off guard. They just don't happen often."

"Maybe one day I'll catch you in one, then."

"It would take something paradigm shifting, I can promise you that. So it's somewhat unlikely that anything you say would both be true and catch me off guard."

She dropped her smile. "Like leaving you when you were promised to be at a festival together?"

"No, that wouldn't catch me too off-guard. I would assume there was a decent enough reason."

"Uh-huh. Do you know what I had to put up with that night?"

"Some manner of fun, I suppose. Or at least, what most ponies consider fun. I'm not a fan of games like what they were offering."

"I suppose it was fun. I really was expecting you to be there, though. Did something important come up?"

"Not really. I just figured it was in your best interest if I wasn't around for when you were trying to make friends. Most of the ponies here are still relatively uncertain about me, so I decided to hang back and watch."

"You could have told me, you know. I would have understood."

"I wasn't expecting to be given the chance so readily. I was going to back off if I needed to later in the night, but then Twilight told me to go hunting after Pinkie Pie. I was already away from the group at that point, so I decided to just save some time and stay away."

"An answer for everything," she muttered. "Well, the night _did _go well." She told me a bit about it. I think she was trying to make me jealous.

"I'm glad you had a good time, Princess. And I'm glad you're making more friends."

"What, tired of me already?" I couldn't tell if she was being serious.

"I don't remember saying that. You are always welcome here, if you want to talk. I'll not say no to the company. If I'm asleep when you come by I might not be as welcoming, but if it's important just wake me up."

"I'll remember that." We talked a bit more, but nothing I feel like recording.

"What do you need, little fillies?"

"We're just wondering what we could do to help for this event, whatever it is," Applebloom told me. "Twilight said there was nothing we could do, Applejack just told us that we were too small, and Rarity seemed too busy to even notice us!" Well, at least now I know what I can call them.

"We scared Fluttershy's animals when we tried asking her what to do, so we left before we made too much of a mess there. Pinkie Pie seemed to like the idea of help, but got too preoccupied to ever say exactly what she needed help with!" Sweetie Belle contributed.

"And Rainbow Dash is too busy 'practicing,'" Scootaloo added, to finish the list.

"You always have the option of not getting involved at all," I said, perhaps letting more than a small hint of hope into my voice.

"But what if there's something we could do to help us get our cutie marks?" Applebloom asked.

"Hm. I'm not actually doing anything to prepare, other than answering questions as they come. If you really want, I can tell you of the power of managerial oversight," I whispered in conspiratorial tones.

"That sounds… boring," Sweetie Belle said.

"Dreadfully so, at times, but it's also usually pretty easy and yet the most important part of any assignment," I said.

"If it's that important," Scootaloo started, "then surely it's something that we could do! For we are," and this they all said together, in a somewhat disturbing unison: "THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS!"

_Oh lord…_ "The secret is basically this: Wander around the work areas of others, pretend to know what you're doing, and if you're asked any questions, make up a seemingly legitimate sounding answer and hope the specialist you're watching over buys it. The goal of the manager is to make the people working under them seem confident that they are being watched over by someone who cares for them and their problems. It's a way of inspiring morale, you could say. It's often a thankless job, but a necessary one." Thank God none of these ponies knows how to tell when I'm lying.

"That really _does _sound boring…" Applebloom muttered.

"Aye, it is somewhat boring at times. But it is, as I said, necessary." _And if it keeps you from interfering with things that might keep me alive, all the better._

"Well, never let it be said we didn't try EVERYTHING we could to get our cutie marks," Sweetie Belle said.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, ASSEMBLE! ASSUME MANAGERIAL DUTIES!"

As they ran off, I couldn't help but wonder if I had just signed my death warrant.

"Twilight, you need any of my help for this thing?"

"Do you know how to quiet a recalcitrant business owner about prices of certain things I need?"

"Yes, if you don't mind me using excessive force. I know quite a bit about extortion and forcing price fixes."

"Every time I talk to you, I get a little more scared about what your world was like."

"I can honestly, honestly understand that. Is there anything else you might need help with?"

"I think we're pretty much covered on all our bases. I'm doing the planning, Applejack is apparently getting the food, Rarity is making your costume—which I'm sure you'll love!—I don't know exactly what Fluttershy is doing, but she seems convinced she's helping somehow, and Pinkie Pie is planning the after party and parade."

"What's this about a parade?"

"Oh, you haven't heard? Apparently both Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will be attending this event, so it will practically _require _a parade of some kind. That's the way royalty works, I'm afraid. I'm surprised Princess Luna didn't mention it in your talks with her."

"I'm beginning to think Luna has it in for me. She forced this event, somehow."

"Navarone, you're just being paranoid. Even if she did have a bout with crazy a little while ago, she's completely fine now. According to the letters I get from Princess Celestia, you're one of Luna's closest friends! That's really something to be proud of, you know."

"The best part about being friends with royalty is that it makes you a target for anyone wanting any kind of advantages. Thankfully, there doesn't appear to be many violent ponies in your world; I have a low chance of being kidnapped here." Again, I mean.

"You're not making me feel any better about your world. Now leave me be for a bit. I need to talk with some more ponies, see about getting some things accomplished."

"Rarity, if I could think of something very painful that I could legally do to you, I would be very quick to do it. You know perfectly well how I like to dress, even though I know you like to pretend you don't."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about! This is a wonderful outfit! Look how it glitters and shines! It's so colorful! You'll be in the eyes of the entire crowd! And they'll all know who designed your beautiful outfit…"

The object in question was… gaudy is too weak of a word. Extravagant comes closer, but still doesn't quite do it justice. Imagine something Bill Gates would wear if he was a dick that wanted everyone to know he was on top. I mean, this thing was actually socketed with jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, the whole gauntlet of precious stones were sewn into this thing. I could feed Africa for years if I had something like this in our world. And she wanted me to wear it. It was painful to look at, even in the dim light of her shop, for it sparkled so.

"I'm afraid I won't be wearing something like that. Can you imagine what Twilight would say if she saw the cost of that thing on the bill this is going to raise?"

"Oh, Navarone, don't be silly! This is a favor for a friend! Twilight commissioned something like this."

"I find that very hard to believe."

"She wasn't exactly specific of the details, mind, but I think I captured the essence of her request quite well. And if you truly hate it, you can just return it after the event! Besides, you haven't even tried it on yet."

I only regret this universe doesn't have any discernible tobacco. I've never been a smoking or a drinking fellow, but these ponies... I keep finding myself in need of some kind of stress reliever when dealing with them.

Long story short, I tried the bastard on and damn near cut myself on some of the pointier edges of the jewels. If nothing else, Rarity is good at fitting clothes: it was very comfortable. My grudging acceptance of the outfit was met only by that small smile Rarity shows when she gets her way. In the preceding months, I have been the cause of that smile too many times, and I've had a want to wipe it off her smug face on more than one occasion, but I've since managed to still my hand.

"You can take the bugger back after the competition. Lord knows I'll probably never put it back on." This was met by another smile. This lass was really, really starting to make me think of some of the women in a series of books I once read. It was not a favorable comparison for her.

"Oh, hello Navarone," Fluttershy said as I approached. "We meet once again."

"That seems to happen a lot when you send someone out to get me," I returned.

"Yeah, well, you know. Anyway, I think I've made some headway into helping you."

"You found some animal friends that would help me as a last resort?"

"Well, sort of."

"You're not inspiring me with confidence here, lass."

"The butterflies that saved me when I fell from Cloudsdale were more chance than plan. It's hard to get such fickle creatures to do what you want, or to stay in one place on guard for a while. I've asked what birds I can find for help, but there aren't that many of them here while winter is still going strong. I'll have a better answer in spring, but there's a problem there."

"Aye, I understand." The event was planned in the spring. Most of the birds return in the spring, yes, but most wouldn't have been exactly used to my presence. Those that would happily help Fluttershy might recoil at the thought of helping one such as I.

"There is one thing you could do to help, though," she said.

"Oh? I admit that I know little about animals, but anything that helps me survive is doable in my book."

"There is an event at the end of winter, called Winter Wrap Up. If you were to help me during that event, the animals would have more of a chance to get to know you."

"I've heard Twilight talking about that, actually." Trust me when I say that it's a lot easier to imagine ponies with wings playing around with clouds than it is to actually _see them do it_. I almost freaked out when I saw Rainbow Dash rearranging clouds the first time. I had heard they could do it and I thought I had prepared myself, but then _holy shit she's moving the fucking clouds with her hooves what the hell man_. It's a sobering moment. And to see them do it on such a grand scale? It would be an amazing moment, one I was looking forward to seeing.

"There's only one big problem to deal with about you helping, though. We have to ascertain the technicalities of… well, your existence, basically. Would you helping technically be considered magic, since you were summoned using magic? Or are you mundane enough to be allowed to help?" The ponies here in Ponyville didn't use any manner of magic during Winter Wrap Up, due to some stupid tradition or something.

"I honestly don't know the answer to that. I suppose it's more a philosophical than it would be a practical question. How about I just put on a badge and help, and if someone calls me on it we can talk about it then?"

"That seems like it might be cheating, though!"

"And?"

"That would be wrong!"

"…and? I'm failing to see a problem here."

"I keep forgetting you're not one of us. Your culture is so… strange!"

And so it was resolved that I would help Fluttershy come Winter Wrap Up.

"Pinkie Pie, I don't do the whole 'party' scene. I don't care what you base the after party off of. I'll be happy enough to be alive afterwards," I told her, for the umpteenth bloody time. To be honest, after seeing the preparations being made to make sure I don't plummet to my death, I was feeling pretty confident, but I still liked to mention the fact that my life was technically at risk. "Use whatever bloody theme you want. And I don't mean 'bloody' literally, I mean it as an expletive."

"What do you mean, you don't party? You've been to all the ones that I've invited you to!" she answered, not untruthfully.

"Yes, I have, but in some cases that was under duress and on other occasions it was because I was bloody bored of my own company. The only thing I do at parties is make a beeline for the food, attempt to avoid awkward small talk, and then wait patiently near a wall for it to end."

"Well, that's no fun! What if I threw you a party and forced you to have fun?"

"I'd lose my cool and bad, bad things would happen. The last person that tried that was lucky enough to wake up in a back alley in Tijuana, naked and reeking of bad Tequila, with nothing but a few horrifying recollections of a missing week and a bad taste in their mouth as any indication of what happened. I don't even want to talk about where I ended up."

"What's Tijuana? And what's Tequila?"

"They're both the worst things you could possibly imagine. Or at least, Tijuana is. You can ask Rainbow Dash about Tequila. Just tell her it's alcohol..."

"Humans are weird!"

Aside from all the other stuff I had to put up with, Rainbow Dash demanded as much of my time as I was unable to provide decent excuses for not giving. I ain't gonna lie: I found myself hating—nay, _despising_—the blinding rainbow flash coming towards me, no matter where I tried to hide. That bloody lass had some kind of tracker on me, or something. I tried being smart one day and hiding at the bottom of a lake, with an air tube sticking up to the top._ She pulled me out of the water by the air tube!_ But I digress. We practiced, if you could call it that. We did a bit of rodeo stuff, yes, but a lot of stuff she had me doing was falling with her catching me.

When I pointed out that this seemed to be counterproductive to the point of the competition, this little discourse happened:

"What, do you really want to risk falling to your death? I thought that's what you wanted to avoid, remember?"

"While that is true, there will apparently be enough enchantments on me that it won't really be a problem." I had decided not to mention Fluttershy's fallback, since I figured it would probably be an unneeded resource anyway. I didn't want to be accused of being paranoid or that I didn't have faith in the magic that was meant to save me.

"Do you really want to take that chance?"

"You are also assuming you're going to be the one to rescue me. I figured there would be special pegasi set aside for something like that, pegasi that aren't competing."

"Look, it's just a speed test, okay? It's not every day that I get somepony willing to be a living test of how fast I am!"

"…If we weren't doing this over a lake I would never help you again."

And that pretty much ended the matter. To be fair, though, she only let me fall all the way once, and during that she got hurt worse than I did.

A lot more things happened in these few months, but most of them aren't really worth writing down. Or rather, my part in them was so negligible that I don't see many of them worth recording in full.

Some weird unicorns came to Applejack's farm near the end of fall, during something called the Apple Cider Season or something. I knew right off the bat that they were greasy con artists and that nothing good would come of them, but no one listens to me. When I was proven right, the ponies conveniently forgot that I had mentioned it at all.

Near Christmas in my time, the girls and Spike went off to Canterlot to do some play. I was left in town.

Rainbow Dash got hurt during one of her practice sessions with me, and I ended up landing in the bloody lake and getting a pretty serious bruise. She spent a few days in the hospital and if Twilight had her way I would have ended up at the vet; the doctor couldn't treat me since I wasn't a pony. When Twilight started leading me to the vet, I said hell no. I'm not a bloody animal. Thankfully, I heal quickly.

On Valentine's Day of my world, and what is here called Hearts and Hooves Day, the fillies tried to get me involved in a scheme that went massively awry. I had been helping Twilight that day, and as soon as they borrowed a book from her that had a love poison recipe, I knew something bad was going to happen. I predicted it, but Twilight blew the warning off. Then they gave the poison to their teacher and Big MacIntosh and it all went to hell. I'll admit, it was pretty funny watching the two of them gush over each other, but it was also wrong. The wee little lasses fixed it, which was some good points in their favor, but it still never should have happened.

Winter wrap up went well enough. Since I knew Luna had her own preparations to take care of, I was able to get a full night's sleep. I managed to avoid nightmares, thankfully. At least, until I got outside.

When I finally managed to scrub the sleep out of my eyes, I rendezvoused with Twilight and Spike just as they were getting ready to step into the early morning light.

"So, why do we have to wake up so early for this, again?"

"Because if we don't get started now, we won't get finished on time. Remember, Navarone, I'll be busy for most of the day. Just go to Fluttershy and she'll give you your instructions."

"Whatever, lass. Just don't make me wear one of those bloody vests and I'll be okay."

"Technically, you're supposed to wear them. But since you're the only human here and you know where you're supposed to be anyway, I don't guess it matters for you."

We were opening the door, when I turned to Spike. "What's your job today, anyway?"

"Oh, you know, ju—" he was cut off by song. Spontaneous song. I know, because I asked Twilight beforehand if I was supposed to know any songs for this so I could know when to hide.

_What. The. Dick._ "Spike, are they fucking singing? Tell me the whole village is not spontaneously breaking into song."

"That happens a lot, actually. Something about magic in the air or something. I never really pay attention when Twilight tries to explain it. If you want to avoid its effects, you better hurry away from the area."

Damn straight I wanted to avoid its effects. I don't sing. Hell, in some places back home, I wasn't legally allowed to sing.

Twilight joined in the song at that point, walking out into the village. Spike followed her, being used to it by now and being relatively immune to its effects. I booked it down the road, away from the impromptu carolers. I was almost out of direct sight when a lull opened up in the song where a masculine sounding voice should probably be filling in. _No, no, no!_

Somehow, I ended up turned around and facing the other way, and I skidded to a halt with all the ponies on the street looking at me with an expectant look in their eyes. Spike was stifling laughter. I could feel an impulse come over me, but some vestiges of my inner human rage and spirit stomped them down. A fight was visible on my face, I was later told, and it was a fight I obviously won. I managed to force out the words "I don't fucking sing. Bugger off," before I managed to turn around and arrogantly stride away. The ponies sighed and suddenly shook, as though a spell had been broken. I'm a bad person, but I've learned to live with that.

Working with Fluttershy was apparently rather routine. The leather gloves I managed to hold onto from the beginning served me well against a few of the animals that were irate at being woken up by what they probably thought was a hairless monkey. I've noticed the ponies here don't make leather, which I guess makes sense, as they're so pacifistic. One of those days I was planning on going into the forest, killing the first thing stupid enough to attack me, and tanning the hide for a leather cloak, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. Don't know where I'd get that much salt, anyway.

But yeah, we succeeded in getting all the animals awake on time through some interesting bell system that honestly took longer to set up than waking up each animal individually would have. Apparently it was designed by a person afraid of half of the animals that were being awakened or something, which I thought was silly. I'd have rather had a blow horn and just tooted it off a few times, but whatever.

We finished in enough time for the small team to break off and help other groups. Since Fluttershy is kind of a crappy flier and too weak to help Applejack's group, she went off help Rarity make bird nests.

I took one look at my options and decided I had done enough for one day. I hated ice skating and only had two feet anyway, so I'd be less efficient at that task. And Pinkie Pie hated my sledgehammer and my fire ideas. I wasn't strong enough to help Applejack with the plows—and she hated my flamethrower idea. I took one look at Rarity's setup and walked on. I was useless to Rainbow Dash, as I had no wings. Twilight knew what she was doing and had an elite cadre of pegasus runners waiting for any orders to be sent out or brought in. I could have tried to provide moral support, but after my performance that morning, I figured they might all feel better if I just disappeared for a spell. So that was pretty much that. The event was finished on time and it was finally spring. Just like that and I never needed to wear a coat outside again.

My birthday came and went unremarked by all with the coming and going of March. It's much easier to not tell anyone of such things, so they don't make a fuss about it.

I'll fast forward a few months, to the day before the competition. Twilight was going over the spells she would need to cast for the event. Fluttershy was making sure her animal friends would be ready in a worst case scenario. Rarity was fretting over her—my, I suppose—costume, suddenly finding dozens of things wrong with it. Spike was apparently doting on Rarity and fighting the temptation to eat the costume—which I wouldn't have minded. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were already in Cloudsdale, setting their parts up. Rainbow Dash was a nervous wreck, which would have done wonders for my confidence if I had actually been awake at the time. I asked Twilight to put me asleep for twenty four hours, giving me six hours to get ready for the festivities that would start the event. Apparently being the 'star' of the show means I have to spend five and a half hours longer to get ready for something than I need, since she refused to give me any more time than that.

When I finally woke up, the first thing I saw was the nervous face of one Twilight Sparkle. Before she could say anything, I bemused aloud, "You know what I miss about home? Toothpaste. And a proper tooth brush. This crap I have to use now is just not cutting it at all!"

"We don't have time for that, Navarone! I forgot to teach you how to behave around the Princess!"

"Bow, scrape, call her Princess instead of majesty or queen, dot my I's and cross my T's, stuff like that?"

"It's a lot more than that! There's an entire system of etiquette for it! Especially if you're going to be standing near them in the parade!"

"Look, lass, from what you've told me of Celestia—Princess Celestia, excuse me—she's a really nice lady. If I screw up somewhere, I'm sure she won't order my head removed. From stories I've heard, she'd probably laugh it off and think it a refreshing novelty. And I'm pretty down with Luna, so I don't think there will be any problems in that respect."

"You don't understand, this isn't merely a _social _setting! This is a huge event! There will be an entire crowd! You have to follow proper form!"

"Just tell them I'm a human and we have our own customs. That's true enough. Part of the basis of my own culture is that no man is above another man for any reason. Treat others how you want to be treated, all that mess. I'll be polite and they'll be polite in turn. What more obeisance is needed than that?"

"They're royalty!"

"And? In my world, royal blood sheds just as easily as the regular stuff, once you're able to get to it."

"What you don't seem to understand is that _you're not in your world anymore!_ You can't expect to get anywhere by following rules that no longer apply! You have to learn to do things our way now, since from all appearances _you aren't going back! _Now, are you going to learn how to treat the Princesses, or do I have to tell Rarity to make your costume even more ridiculous?" I'm not going to lie, that really, really stung; that costume was terribly ridiculous, and anything more would just be too much to bear.

"I knew you thought it was ridiculous!" So instead of spending five hours relaxing, half an hour getting ready, and thirty minutes getting into position, I spent three hours longer than I needed learning stuff that wasn't important, one hour learning stuff that might have actually been important, one full hour getting ready—Rarity got herself involved, half an hour getting into position, half an hour waiting and sweating in a bloody hot costume, half another hour waiting for the inevitable delays to get sorted out, then half an hour for the bloody royalty to finally show up and take their positions. Luna gave me a conspiratorial wink as she settled in, while Celestia gave me a long and appraising look. I noticed first that Luna's mane was no longer moving.

And when I first saw Princess Celestia, my mouth dropped. I don't think there's anything better to describe the absolute shock when I saw her. Luna is a bit bigger than most of the rest of the ponies, aside from maybe Big MacIntosh—she can actually look me in the eyes with no problem. But while the rest of the ponies were just that, ponies, Celestia was actually a horse, it appeared. And her mane flowed. It was somehow constantly moving, and was full of light pastel colors. Her body was bright white, with a cutie mark of a sun. Her wingspan easily doubled that of any Pegasus I had seen. But the most surprising thing, the most awe inspiring thing, were her big, pink eyes. Kindness, wisdom, and a literal feeling of warmth flowed through them. I felt like she could see every bad thing I had ever done, every evil thought I had ever had, every filthy impulse my mind construed, she knew it all… and forgave it. Knew everything about me and was still able to love me. It was like what I thought meeting Jesus would be like. And suddenly I understood why Twilight was so worried about getting me to understand proper etiquette for this. It wasn't for Princess Celestia's sake or Twilight's sake, it was for my own. I found myself—my unworthy, sinful self—wanting to pay respect to this creature.

And just as suddenly as I felt her gaze upon me, I felt it part, and I found myself shamed by my thoughts. Who was I to be brought so low by merely a gaze? I steeled myself for the inevitable conflict I foresaw in my near future, only to find myself not having needed to at all. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both bent their heads slightly to me, as one would an equal. Shocked, I returned the gesture before my rational mind could process it. I could tell everyone in the crowd was equally shocked when I did return it, and from what Spike told me later Twilight looked like she was about to have a stroke. Then I realized, _oh shit, I just shattered etiquette_. When they did that, I was supposed to bow or something, not return the gesture as an equal. Celestia and Luna took it in stride, however, and the parade began in earnest. The crowd remained shocked until the cart thing we were on started moving, when they starting applauding and whatnot. It's a lot easier for Pegasi, who have wings, to applaud than it is for most ponies, but it still sounded odd to my ears, probably because it was more of a clopping sound than a clapping sound. Even though I realized none of the applause was for me, I still found myself getting caught up in the parade. I can't describe our positions in it, as I was really too 'in the moment' to pay that much attention. I went where I was told to go and that was that.

The next thing I remember was standing in front of the two princesses as they each cast a spell of protection on me. Celestia cast a spell of endurance on me, so that if I did impact the ground I wouldn't die, and so I would be harder to wear out. Luna cast a spell of slow fall on me, so Celestia's spell would probably be unnecessary anyway. This was on top of a layer of spells cast by Twilight earlier in the day. One allowed me to walk on clouds, one was a common healing spell to make sure I was in perfect shape, and she didn't tell me what the last one was for, so I just assumed it was for the best and left it alone.

To be blunt, the competition kind of sucked. I mean, it was a rodeo, simple as that. Apparently Twilight had the foresight to get together with Applejack and plan some side shows like clowns and whatnot, and they invited a few buffalo that were enchanted with wings to join the fun, but my part in it was pretty simple and fairly dull: Hang on for dear life for as long as you can, and when you fall don't panic long enough for someone to retrieve you. And hope each time that the Pegasus on rescue duty comes to get you, or else you'll be slowly falling to the ground.

When I was on the last contestant, some male Pegasus whose name I didn't pay attention to, I realized something was wrong. I didn't know exactly what, but I knew something just screwed up. I tried to get the guy's attention, but he was too busy trying to knock me off. In desperation, I did my best to hang on for longer than usual, but to no avail. The extra endurance I had been gifted was gone. With it, I found, all the other enchantments were gone as well.

I fell like a stone. I looked down and had time to realize that it was a beautiful view before I realized I was falling to my death with—if physics was correct—almost no chance of survival. A part of my brain kicked itself for not being able to survive to say "I told you so," while the other part recoiled in absolute horror. I don't remember screaming, but I might have. The last thing I remembered was thinking, _Why the hell didn't I just bring a parachute? At least I should be saved by a pony of good repute._


	7. Chapter Six

Chapter Six—Aftermath.

Two days later I woke up to pain, looked around, saw Rainbow Dash's worried face looking back at me, weakly gave her the finger, and passed out again.

A day later I woke up feeling a hell of a lot better. Apparently my visitor of the hour was Pinkie Pie. The story of what happened was related to me, but since I'm writing this while still in a bit of pain, I'll skip the added details of Pinkie's embellishments and silliness and relate it directly.

As soon as I fell off the back of the Pegasus and everyone realized something bad was going on, Rainbow Dash and Luna apparently both took off to try to save me. Both their attempts broke down when they crashed into each other right underneath me and started falling themselves. So everyone in the stands was just sitting there, watching us fall to our deaths, when suddenly Fluttershy pulls up alongside us with a giant flock of birds, somehow grabs us all, kicked physics in the nads, and brought us all to a hospital or something. Of course Rainbow Dash and Luna were okay, because _fuck you physics,_ but when my fall was arrested by the birds I apparently broke some ribs or something and was bleeding internally.

The Pegasus on duty that was supposed to rescue me was found unconscious, with a glass of odd smelling water—though how the glass was still on the clouds I don't know. He also had a lump on his head, as if whatever was in the water wasn't enough. I had several suspicions of what went wrong, but at the time I was alive and that was good enough.

And if you're wondering why I was still in pain after I was healed, apparently healing an injury as bad as I had takes more energy than can be done in one sitting, so it took several days for me to feel perfectly well again. When I finally did get better, the first thing I did was hug Fluttershy. She was surprised at that, and her wings flared before she could control them.

After that, I fought with the idea of trying to find the person responsible for my almost death. I decided against it when I realized that to take up the investigation would probably mean going back to Cloudsdale. Apparently my performance there made me a bit of a star to the ponies up there, so there's no way in hell they would let something like that happen again, but there was also no way in hell I would be taking my feet that far off of solid ground again.

Right after I hugged Fluttershy and left for home, I got ambushed by a speeding Rainbow Dash in a flying glomp attack that almost sent me back to the hospital, and definitely ended in us both in the dirt. Amidst profuse apologies and wailed could-have-beens, a more complete story began to knit together. Apparently it was Rainbow Dash that added the knot on the head of the rescuer, in an attempt to look good in being the first and fastest person to react to my falling. Her reasoning was that I was never in any danger, as the spells would have saved me if she hadn't been able to get to me for some reason.

Which made the conspiracy against me all the more interesting. There had to be more than one person involved in it, since something had to have removed the spells and someone had to have slipped the guy a knockout herb.

Her confession also put me in an interesting circumstance. But I'm a sucker for teary-eyed faces, sadly. "Lass, I think you've had punishment enough. Your event was apparently a basic failure and you crashed into a princess trying to 'save' me. I don't think it can get more embarrassing than that."

And just when I thought I was going to be able to be on my feet for a while, I was thrown off them again by another flying hug tackle. Curse my forgiveness. And curse really bony ponies. At least my earlier prediction about pony-glomps was proven false: No bones were broken.

As it turns out, however, the event actually wasn't a total failure. After being assured I was still alive—if injured and unable to return to the event—Celestia took things ably in hand and crowned the winners. She had to improvise a bit, since the planned ceremony was kind of hard without me, her sister, and the first prize winner there, but she did well enough, from all accounts.

And of course Pinkie Pie's party went over splendidly, though most of Twilight's cadre left shortly before it began, and Princess Celestia wasn't far behind. After all, royalty was hurt.

I eventually managed to trick Rarity into taking the costume back, by saying that it was damaged in the fall, and then 'forgetting' to pick it up ever again until she just stopped mentioning it.

And of course, none of the little fillies got their cutie marks. But I'm beginning to find that this is a bit of a foregone conclusion when dealing with them. I am somewhat saddened that they can't figure out something so obvious as what they're good at and what they like doing is what they are supposed to do, but Twilight has asked me in the past not to tell them to stop being twits.

Luna came by the night after I healed. Before she could open her mouth, I said, "Sorry for disappointing you. No eternal haunting for you, it appears."

"That's all you have to say? You almost died!"

"The key word there is almost. And no, it isn't all I have to say, but it's all I'm going to say. At least two someones tried to kill me and one has already been dealt with. And no, I won't tell you who that someone was."

"What makes you think there was more than one pony involved? Or that it was a murder attempt anyway?"

"Because someone removed the spells, someone clubbed the rescuer on the back of the head, and someone gave him some sleeping herbs. I know who did one of the things to the guard, but I don't know who did the other two."

"Are you going to keep looking for the pony guilty?"

"A year ago, the answer to that would have been a definite yes. I would have found the people responsible and they would have paid. But now… Well, I survived. And I have their number, now. I know someone is out to get me, and that means I'll be careful. I'll watch, but that's all. I won't actively hunt."

"I'm glad to know you're learning something from us, but are you sure that's wise?"

"No, I'm not sure it's wise. But that's what I'm going to do."

"If you're sure, I won't push you. The royal investigators we had looking into it couldn't find much anyway."

We talked of inconsequential matters, until Luna got ready to depart. "My sister seemed somewhat impressed by you, Navarone. She told me that she wanted to meet you in person. So don't seem too surprised if you get a royal notice soon about coming to Canterlot."

"You mean she wasn't pissed about my mistake in the parade?"

"Your mistake? We thought you did that on purpose, to show that humans considered everyone equals."

"See, that's what I told Twilight! And she said that wouldn't fly here! Heh, I wonder what she'll say when I tell her you said that."

"I didn't say it was smart, just that that was what we thought it was for. I'll be sure to tell Princess Celestia before she sends for you. She'll probably change her messenger from an axepony to a courier."

Before I could respond, she took off. I just don't know what to make of these ponies. Sometimes they just make me want to drink.

The invitation actually arrived the next day, by way of Spike. I was still asleep at the time, and fighting my way through another dream. I wasn't allowed to suffer its completion, though, since Twilight took it upon herself to wake me when the letter arrived.

"Look, lass, I know this is probably important or something, but did it really require waking me up?"

"It's a letter from the princess to you! Of course it's important!"

"First off, which princess? Second, couldn't you have just read it and then responded how you thought I would have? Though, thinking about it, that might well get me put to death."

"It's from Princess Celestia. And I did read it, but only because I automatically assumed it would be to me and thus didn't look at the outside before opening it."

"Where I come from, that's a felony. What did it say? Do I get some money for almost dying?"

"This is no time for joking! I have to get you ready for a trip to Canterlot!"

"Oh yeah, Luna mentioned something about that last night. Apparently Celestia was impressed or something, and decided it was about time to meet me in person. I don't reckon you have any sunglasses or something I could use to avoid meeting her eye-to-eye, do you?"

"What? No! There's no time for that! Your transportation arrives tomorrow, and I have to teach you how to act around her!"

"I thought you already did teach me how to act around her."

"Yeah, and look how badly you botched that up! Besides, that was for a public occasion. This visit will mostly be in private. After a formal apology ceremony to show that the Princesses feel terrible about letting their spells fail and almost kill you, you're to have dinner with them and a few other small things."

"Great, free food. Who else is going?"

"Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, according to the letter. Rainbow Dash, for the crown of the actual competition and for you to publicly thank her for trying to save you, and Fluttershy so you can thank her for actually saving you."

"I've already dealt with both of them in person, actually. And I'm pretty sure Fluttershy would be very averse to the attention. Think we could tell the princesses to chill on the thanks and to just give Rainbow Dash her trophy thing? And I also don't really need an apology anyway. Accidents happen, I suppose, and I'm still alive anyway."

"It's publicity, Navarone. You can't fight this. You and Fluttershy both will have to get over your aversion for public settings. I'm sure Rainbow Dash, at least, will enjoy the acclaim."_ I wouldn't be so sure about that, if I know anything about shame._

"So we're leaving tomorrow. When is this shindig set to happen? And are you going?"

"In a week. You're leaving tomorrow so you can prepare for the ceremonies and meet the princesses beforehand. And I can't go. Princess Celestia sent another letter asking me to work on a special project for her."

"Oh yeah, this is definitely a publicity thing. I thought these two were the leaders for life already anyway. Why do they need to do this crap?"

"It's to show everypony that they care." And just like that, I was back into it again. When I showed the letter to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, they both acted about as I expected them to: Fluttershy was flustered and denying the fact that she deserved any honor, and Rainbow Dash was pumped up for all of about five seconds before she realized that she almost got me killed and I had to publicly thank her for it.

So it was a very morose party that greeted the chariot that arrived the next day. Why Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash needed a chariot was beyond me, and if I was given free reign I'd have rather walked there, but I managed to hold my fears in check. My face was apparently rather wan, though, and Rainbow Dash remarked on it, laughing, before I gave her a very evil glare.

"I'm sorry, the last time I was this high in the air I was on a direct collision course with the ground. Forgive me a bit of wariness now that I'm forced back into the heights."

There was no more conversation on the way there.

The fanfare of our entering the city was practically nonexistent. Honestly, I don't know the point of this whole ceremony; most of the ponies that saw the events in question were Pegasi, and most of them were in Cloudsdale. And there was no TV here to record the process so that everyone could see it. I honestly figured it was just pretence for Princess Celestia to meet me face to face without alarming much suspicion, but that seemed a bit self-centered to me.

The Pegasi pulling the chariot dropped us off near the palace, and a short walk took us the rest of the way. We were quickly ushered into a small sitting room. I don't know why it was called a sitting room, as I don't recall there being any chairs; not many ponies sat down that often. There were at least a few sofas that I've seen ponies occasionally lounge in. There were a few book cases lining the walls, and a massive window covering the back wall, looking into some gardens. We were on the first floor.

I was just looking out the window and wondering if it was large enough for me to sneak out of when Princess Celestia unceremoniously walked in. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy stopped their little conversation about a bird called Philomena and bowed. I didn't notice her step in, and asked without looking, "Rainbow Dash, you think I could get out this window without anyone noticing?"

Celestia answered for her: "Why, Navarone? Are you so eager to escape from us? As highly as my sister speaks of you, I thought you'd be completely nonplussed at meeting me!"

I'm not going to lie: As soon as I heard her voice I turned around so fast I almost fell down, and turned a very brilliant shade of crimson. "Oh, uh, no!" I tried to remember what was outside the window, and recalled it was a garden of some kind. "I just wanted a closer look at some of the plants outside…" It was a feeble excuse, and the weak tone of voice I had when saying it pretty much gave me away, but she didn't comment on it.

She turned to Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. "If you want to see Philomena, I think she's in the aviary. I could have somepony take you there, if you want to go. I know she still thinks of you, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy looked down and answered, "Oh, um, that would be… nice. If it's okay with you, I mean." _Oh God, I can see where this is going_. I started thinking about that window again, wondering if I could maybe get through it before she managed to send Rainbow Dash away.

Thankfully, though, Rainbow Dash seemed to realize what was going on. When Celestia asked if she wanted to go with Fluttershy, she was politely told no. I smiled to myself, before Celestia managed to ruin that. "I think I heard the Wonderbolts were practicing around that area today. You might run into a few of them if you go. But if you're sure…" Before she could even finish her sentence, Rainbow Dash was gone. _Dammit_.

"You know," I said, "that does sound interesting. I think I'll follow them…"

"Nonsense!" I was told. "We're going to have a conversation, you and I."

I leaned back against the wall I was standing near and assumed my most arrogantly nonchalant stance. I was starting to feel a bit hunted. "What kind of conversation did you have in mind?"

"Preferably a polite one. You obviously aren't used to showing deference to anypony, and I'm much the same. It will be nice to have an actual conversation with somepony instead of me ordering somepony to do something or having to listen to Twilight's stories." _I knew someone else had to think Twilight's tales were boring_. Occasionally, at the end of some event or something, she would spin out some kind of Aesop or something about how friendship relates to the situation we had just been in. I tune her out when she starts blathering on about that. Celestia continued, "It has been a long time since I was able to actually talk to somepony."

"And here I was thinking you would order me killed for being arrogant. Name your topic, then, and let us converse. Forgive me a lack of experience in some matters, however. I don't have a few thousand years to go on."

I'll skip over the conversation. It started at morality, went to philosophy, delved into human mentality versus pony mentality, dipped into the little physics I still remembered, dived into calculus, sauntered into some minor astrophysics theory, somehow meandered from there into underwater basket weaving, touched on modern human medicine, and finally ended on my impressions of some of the people I had met so far in Equestria.

"You know, Twilight's my star student, and I feel like I should defend her, but you pretty much nailed her spot on," Celestia laughed. "I had some idea of what to expect from you," she said on a more serious note, "but letters from Twilight and talks with Luna really don't do it justice. If you are anything like the rest of your species, which I've heard tell you say you aren't, I wouldn't complain to see more of them here."

"You might not, but I would. Technically, according to some theories, my home literally doesn't exist anymore. But I still can't help but think that somewhere, my family is missing me and wondering what the hell happened to me, and how I just completely disappeared out of my room. And some people are a lot closer to their family than I was. If you started taking more of them away, some of those people would resent you for it, and try to get back at you for it. And there is no force in the multiverse stronger than a group of humans plotting revenge. You may think you're immortal now, but piss some people off where I come from and you'd find out for sure. And if you are, you might end up wishing you weren't. And that's not to mention what I'll do if you kidnap more people."

She smiled at that, oddly. "An interesting response. So, what do you say to being alone here? The only human in our world. A very lonely position, I must imagine."

"I settled for being alone a long time before I got to this world, lass. Ending up here just reaffirmed that belief."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Back where I come from, I was nothing special at all. I didn't have the looks to get the shallow girls or the patience to get the smart ones. I've always been able to make everyone laugh, but that doesn't count for anything when your only humor is situational. I've always been good at talking and listening, but that doesn't help you get a date, it only helps the date go smoother. I was, in many cases, the second runner up; I don't know if you have the term 'friendzone' here, but I was the master at ending up there. I couldn't even count the number of times I heard 'any girl would be lucky to date you.' And then I end up here. Despite being among the most liberal-minded of my race, there's nothing I have to offer any of the women here and I know it. Even if one of them did somehow fall in love with me, I wouldn't allow it to go any farther and I'd do my best to get them to forget the feelings they have for me. There's only one way that road will end, and that's in pain."

"And if we could send you home?"

"I would disappear again just as fast, only this time the kidnapping party would be my government. People don't just disappear for several months and the reappear just as suddenly. Honestly, past the one month mark, there was no way I could go home anymore, not and have a reasonable hope for any kind of 'normal' life. I'm stuck here for the duration, I fear. If you and your subjects get tired of me, I'll just wander into the wilderness, I suppose."

"Why are you so sure that any relationship between you and a pony would end in pain?"

_Oh lord, here it is._ "If you haven't noticed, I'm a little bit different from your ponies. I'm bitter, jaded. To be quite honest, I don't even know if I could _feel _love anymore, let alone inspire it in someone else. I'm too radically _different _from you ponies. I'm too violent, too destructive, just too… different." The last was uttered with a loud sigh following it.

"And what would you do if you found the pony responsible for your little fall in Cloudsdale?"

"I've already found one of the ponies partially responsible. I… forgave her. But she only had a small part to play it in; my response might very well change if I find the person responsible for dispelling the magic keeping me safe."

"Speaking of that, what do you mean, the magic keeping you safe? I couldn't tell for sure when you were falling; did my spell fail alongside Luna's, or was hers the only one to break?"

"They both died. I noticed it in the middle of the last bout, when I started feeling really weary all of a sudden. That's probably why I had broken ribs instead of just being winded when my fall was checked."

"Interesting…" she muttered, before saying aloud, "And do you have any ideas on who might have been responsible?"

"Yes."

"…Well?"

"I will name no names until I'm certain one way or another, and until I determine a motive."

"You don't think I could have this pony questioned easier than you could?"

"I'm sure you could. But I don't want to get anyone else involved."

"Very well."

"Why are you so interested in my 'lonesome' status, anyway?"

"You are one of my subjects now, like it or not, and I like to know how they're feeling and what they're thinking. And since you're my only human subject, I can't base your feelings or thoughts off anypony else's." I could almost believe her. _Almost_.

"Right. Now, what about this whole apology or thanking or award ceremony thing?"

"Oh, that? That was just pretense for me to meet you face to face without alarming much suspicion." _Well, shit_. "The actual event will be more for publicity than anything else. A way to get you seen by the ponies of Canterlot, I suppose."

"Why? I'll probably be living in Ponyville for a while, yet."

For some reason, she smiled at that. "I'm sure. But it's still a good idea to let everypony know what's out there." I was starting to feel very suspicious about this whole thing and was wondering how far away I could get before anyone noticed I was gone, when Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash returned.

Fluttershy was thanking the servant that guided them in when Rainbow Dash said, "There sure weren't any Wonderbolts out there. I just spent a few hours looking at stupid birds."

"Oh, I know!" Fluttershy said. "It was wonderful! There were so many different types there, more than I've ever seen!"

Fluttershy and Celestia moved off to one side of the room to discuss birds, leaving me and Rainbow Dash alone. Normally Fluttershy is… well, shy, but when you get her talking about animals it is sometimes hard to shut her up. "You know, Navarone, it's not too late for us to sneak away. I'm pretty fast, even with you slowing me down. They probably wouldn't notice us gone until we were already home."

I grimaced at the thought of flying again so soon. "Nay, lass. I fear we're stuck here, at least for the time being. We're in the palace as royal guests, so if nothing else we'll be treated very well."

"You and Fluttershy, maybe. I think some of the servants here still hate me for a little stunt I pulled back during the Gala."

"Yes, I've heard tales of that. Still, the worst you'll have to deal with is a drafty room and ratty bedsheets. And we'll probably be berthed near each other, so if all else fails you can just go bunk with Fluttershy."

"What's that about being birthed? And what makes you think I wouldn't rather sleep in your bed?"

I raised an eyebrow at that. "Berthing—that's with an e, not an i—is a naval term for bunk, or bed. And I figure Fluttershy would probably be a lot warmer than I am; she's considerably more furry, if nothing else." Yes, I did learn some interesting things from Big MacIntosh, but I didn't learn any names.

"You're right. You're too bony to sleep with, anyway." I decided not to go poking my head in doors late at night while I was here.

The lull in our conversation coincided with a lull in the other conversation in the room, and Celestia quickly took steps to get out of talking about more birds: "Would you all like to see more of Canterlot? I can arrange a tour. Sadly, I can't spend any more time today with you, as I have pressing matters elsewhere to take care of."

We decided to go on the tour, lacking much else to do. All three of us are famous for some reason or another, apparently. Rainbow Dash is relatively famous for winning some competition a little while ago in Cloudsdale and being the only person to pull off a Sonic Rainboom—basically, she broke the sound barrier and because of the magic here, that released a massive rainbow or something like that. Fluttershy was apparently a famous model at some point in her life, if you can imagine that. I'm not going to pretend to be a judge of appearances for ponies, so I couldn't tell you how she looked, but I know she was graceful enough for it. And me? Well, I draw glances where ever I go, just by being me. It's like a white guy walking into a black club: The DJ's disk scratches, the music cuts off, all the conversations die off, and everyone just looks up at you. Put short, it's awkward. Ponyville had at least gotten used to me, but this place hadn't had the dubious honor of my presence for so long. Thankfully, the ponies here have a lot more tact than the down to earth 'country ponies' of Ponyville. While they did stare, they didn't rush their children inside at the first sight of me or whisper rude comments that I could half hear. That might have had something to do with the royal guard squad we had with us, though.

It was a nice city, but I was too busy making faces at some of the little colts that were following us to pay much attention. As soon as one got the courage to get close to us, I'd turn around and make a scary face or something and they'd run away again, only to repeat the process. Rainbow Dash thought it was funny, while Fluttershy was doing her best to pretend to not be a part of our group. The royal guards were all stony faced. I managed to get one to smirk with a particularly off-color joke that I won't reprint here, but one of his partners hit him and he went back to stoniness.

During that little episode of making the guard smile, I didn't notice one of the colts getting closer until he asked me a question. "Mister, what are you?"

I started, surprised. Then I smiled. "I'm a monster."

"What kind of monster?"

"The kind that eats kids that ask questions."

"Good thing there aren't any goats around, then." _What the… oh yeah_.

"I don't stop at lamb chops. Sometimes I like to nibble at ponies that ask too many questions as well."

That got his attention, but he quickly responded, "I don't think you'd have a royal escort and two pretty mares with you if that was true." Rainbow Dash cracked up at being called pretty, while Fluttershy just blushed. _Suave. This will be fun._

"Maybe these two are just my tribute, and the royal guards are here to see me out of town so that I don't nab anyone else on the way."

"If that's the case, then why should I fear you? They'll just protect me if you try to eat me."

"You're assuming they'll care. Who knows? They might think it's a good idea to set an example of those that ask too many questions."

"Would you be willing to risk that?"

I gave an evil smile. "The better question is, would you?"

That shut him up for a minute, but he just started right back at it. "I don't think you're going to eat those two."

"Yeah. They're too skinny. I mean, look at this one!" I poked Rainbow Dash. "Flesh and bone. No meat on there. The other one, though, might be tender enough." I patted Fluttershy on the side. All I got for my efforts were two evil looks and another hidden smile from one of the guards.

"No, I mean, they're not trying to escape! If you were about to eat me, I think I'd be running away. And those two have wings, so they'd probably be able to get away from you easily."

"Maybe they don't want to escape. Have you ever tried being eaten? It might be really fun!"

"It doesn't sound like much fun."

"Neither does sex, but good God when you get going it's great!" Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash both kicked me and all the guards burst out laughing. The kid looked completely confused.

Rainbow Dash finally decided to step in. "First things first, look at who's calling who flesh and bone! You don't hardly even have any flesh! I know, because I was there when your ribs were so cut up you could see the bones! And second off, he's a human. They're a species of mostly jerks that live in another dimension. And third, he doesn't eat ponies. He only eats colts. So beat it, before he decides he's hungry and grabs you."

With that, and an even more confused look on his face, he fled.

Rainbow Dash looked at me, and just said, "Humans are so weird." I can't really deny that, but I think the same case could be made for ponies.

The rest of city was nice. There were plenty of monuments detailing events that I had no clue about, so I guess it's kind of like what visiting DC is like for most Americans.

I was walking around the gardens of the palace at night when Luna found me. Before I realized she was there, she said, "Scaring foals is no good way to make friends, you know."

"Yeah, but it sure is fun."

"From what I heard, though, you didn't so much scare him as confuse the poor colt. I think he'll be having some awkward conversations with his parents soon."

"We all gotta learn stuff like that at some time. I don't know where you heard about that anyway."

"I have my sources." _More like the guards told Celestia and she told you_. As though reading my thoughts, she said, "It's amazing what the guards talk about, sometimes. It appears as though you made quite an impression on them."

"Well, from the looks of them, it takes something special to get them to laugh like that."

"Not just that, though. Apparently there's talk that you were closeted away—alone—with their Princess Celestia for a few hours. That is _not _something that is done. I'm somewhat curious as to what she had to do to get them to leave her in peace for so long."

"What can I say? I'm a disarming kinda guy." It _was _interesting, though. It meant she wanted to talk to me without word of what we were saying getting around. And it meant that Luna had moles in Celestia's guard. God, I hate dealing with politics. Everything means something and most of it is bad for you. These two opponents had age on me, but I'm pretty sure a human can outpolitic anything.

"I'm sure," she said in a very dry tone. "What did you two talk about?"

Trap question, in more ways than one. Let's see… this could be a plot between the two sisters to see which I trust more and what I'm willing to say to one about the other. It could be a simple question, small talk. It could be an attempt to find an edge on her sister. God I hate politics.

I decided on an easy answer. "This and that. She doesn't have many people to talk to and have a conversation with, so that's what we did." A true answer, and it opens her up. If she pushes for more, I know something is up. And this way, I look innocent in that I didn't understand the true purpose of her asking.

"You weren't saying anything bad about me, I hope."

"Why lie, my dear?" She smiled. My answer could mean a lot, but when a women has the option of taking something in a way that makes them feel better about themselves, I've found, they'll take it that way. Unless the other option is an insult, in which case they'll always choose the option that makes the guy out to be a villain. In truth, though, we didn't talk about her at all. At least, thinking back to some of Celestia's awkward ending questions, I hope we didn't.

"Ever the charmer, I see," she said sarcastically.

"I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say?" I answered with just as much sarcasm.

"One of these days, your tongue is going to get you into trouble."

"That's why I'm friends with two princesses. They usually have some good sway in whose tongue gets cut off and when."

"And what if the ponies you get into trouble with are those two princesses?"

"I'll play them off each other and end up scott free while they bicker and fight."

"I'll have to remember that."

"Surely you wouldn't want me to lose my tongue. I make much nicer sounds with it than I would without it."

"I don't know, all mares like stallions that listen. And without a tongue, you'd be doing a lot less talking and a lot more listening."

"I've also heard all girls like a guy that can make them laugh. It would be a lot harder to do without a tongue."

"We can get you a silly hat."

"Lady," I said, feigning shock, "I am no mere jester."

"We can teach you to play an instrument, so you can serenade us while we talk to the stallions that don't make us mad enough to cut off their tongues."

"If I had to listen to a man that boring, I'd rather beat myself to death with the instrument than play it."

"We can remove your ears, as well."

"Ah, but then I won't be able to take orders, or tell if I hit a false note. I could play terribly and never hear the order to stop." She grimaced at that, and I could well agree. If nothing else, it would be a nice revenge.

"Yes, you might drive away the other stallion."

"I'd be doing you a favor, I believe. Anyone worth listening to will probably manage to infuriate you at least once."

"That reminds me, you never did thank me."

"What, for trying to get me killed?"

She looked unduly alarmed at that. "What do you mean? I tried to save you!"

"Yeah, and it was your fault I was in that position at all!"

"How did you… I didn't know somepony else was going to try to get you! I was supposed to be the pony to save you!"

"…Wait, what?"

"…Um. What did you mean by, it was my fault?" _So_.

I said, very slowly, "I meant that you were the reason the event kicked off… What did you mean?"

She turned bright red, red enough that I was able to tell she was blushing even though it was night out. Instead of answering, though, she raised her wings and flew off before I could stop her. _Well, at least I'll have something to talk to Celestia about the next time I see her._

On that note, I went to bed. Or I should say, I went to my room, only to find my bed being occupied by a very flustered Fluttershy.

"I thought this was my room," I said, hastily jumping off of a somewhat lumpy Fluttershy; I didn't turn any lights on when I entered and just went straight to the bed.

"It is… Rainbow Dash came into my room early in the night, saying her room was cold. She ended up taking over most of the bed and she was really hoovesy, so I came here since I know you don't sleep much. If… If that's a problem, I can go take over her room…"

"Nah. I'll just go stay in her room. I don't think I'll be sleeping much anyway."

Instead of trying to sleep, I paced back and forth across the floor of Rainbow Dash's room, trying to figure out what Luna meant. It is possible that she was the one that removed the spell on me, but I couldn't figure out why, especially since she dove to save me. Murder was impossible, given that she tried to save me. Securing my loyalty by being the one to save me? That would probably mean she'd want my help in a move against her sister. Even Luna, naïve though she occasionally was, had to know I would not be willing to help her kill her sister. Boredom? Nobles get bored, I grant you, and have odd ways of relieving that boredom, but I couldn't put so unreasonable an assumption to the fore of my mind.

I shuddered as a brisk spring wind blew through the window, shaking me from my reverie. _I can tell why Rainbow Dash left the room afte_—Wait. The inner FPS gamer in me had noticed all the normal sounds of the palace at night, and something new was added to them. I could hear a slight… flapping, like a bird trying to escape a cage.

I had no candles lit, so I pulled out my lighter, dreading what I would find. I flicked it on and in its small, flickering light, beheld a half-moth-half-something-all-monster poisonous looking thing. I'm not going to lie or sugar coat it: I fucking screamed and booked it. I didn't even think about pulling out my knife. Thankfully, I managed to not drop my lighter, and the flame was extinguished in my mad flight.

I managed to rip the door open, almost off its hinges, and I probably slammed it so loud that I woke half the bloody palace. I was scrabbling on the door for locks when a guard came up behind me, put his hoof on my shoulder, and almost received a bloody nose for the trouble. It was one of Luna's night guards.

"What's going on?" he asked me.

"Big... moth… THING!" I yelled, pointing to the room.

He shouldered me aside and slowly pulled the door open. Sure enough, the very big moth thing was definitely still there. The door was quickly slammed shut again, with two of us now scrambling for a lock. Some guard he was.

We were at it until more guards were called and they thought there were enough to take on whatever the hell that thing was. And of course, when they opened the door again, the beast was gone, probably having flown back into the night.

"Shit," I said, "I thought this place was supposed to be a nexus of happiness and love. What the dick was that?" At least I can know I wasn't crazy. There was at least one guard that saw the damn thing.

"Navarone, why are you trying to wake my castle?" Celestia had arrived, to her usual fanfare of everyone bowing in her direction. "I hope nothing is terribly amiss." I quickly noticed something… _off _about her appearance. It took me a second to realize what it was: Her hair wasn't moving and it was just pink now.

"Nay, nothing too bad. Just some giant moth thing hovering in my bloody room, possibly trying to murder me."

"Your room is down the hall. I believe that is Rainbow Dash's room. Why are you outside of it and panicking instead of outside of your room and panicking?"

"Rainbow got cold and went to Fluttershy's room to sleep. Rainbow isn't much of a bed fellow and Fluttershy isn't much for pointing things like that out, so she went to my room to sleep. I wasn't going to sleep that much anyway, so I went to Rainbow Dash's room since it was empty and I needed to think. And then some big thing flew in the bloody window with a possibly murderous intent."

"You said it was a moth. How do you know it wasn't just drawn to a light?"

"The room was dark; I left the window open and the curtains pulled back so I could get the light from the moon. Whatever the beast had in mind, natural moth-like tendencies towards light were not involved."

"Did anypony else see it?"

"Aye, a night guard came rushing to my aid when I shouted." I looked around for the fellow, but the excitement, it seemed, had been too much for him for he was nowhere to be seen. "Odd, he was just here. Anyone see one of Luna's guards walk away?"

One of the day guards spoke up then, refuting my claim: "There were no guards posted in this area, Princess. You told us to give the guests no sign that they were confined, so we didn't think any guards here would be needed. The disturbance was reported by a servant that was coming to check on the guests to see if they had any needs. The only way a guard would have been here would be on his own volition." This guard, at least, had a bigger plume than the others. He still looked exactly the same as the rest of the day guards: A white Pegasus with a hard blue stare and a Romanesque helmet, but he had the distinguishing mark of higher rank. I've often heard it said that, when seeking someone important in the military, look for the man with the fanciest or biggest hat.

"I don't care what he says, there was a guard here that saw what I saw. Not like he did anything with it in terms of protecting me; he was just as eager as I to get that bloody door shut."

"Are you sure you didn't just have a bad dream?" Celestia asked. "I know Twilight mentioned that you seem plagued by them."

"My definition of a 'bad dream' is memories of a home that I was rudely ripped from, not monsters. Monsters are easy to escape, and they go away when you wake up. Fond memories haunt you forever. I was awake when it happened anyway, so I know it was not a dream."

"Are you sure you weren't just seeing things? You said it was dark, you could have just been imagining it. And if you get as little sleep as you say, it could have just been a waking dream."

"Aye, it could have been possible, but it was rather unlikely. For one, the beast was still there when I opened the door with the guard to check, and for two, I heard the bloody thing when it was inside. I could hear the gentle humming of its wings as it hovered in place."

"If you are certain of what you saw, then, I'll have the guards look outside for it and keep a lookout in the other rooms of the palace in case it reappears. I know of a creature that fits its description, but I haven't heard of one being sighted in many, many years. We shall talk more on it in the morning, as I wouldn't want to keep all of you awake for any longer than necessary. Go back to your beds, my guests. This matter will be taken care of." That was when I first saw Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were also awake, and looking at me with apparent concern.

"Fine, we can table it until the morning. But there's more to talk of than just that, and I'd rather have you alone to discuss it, Princess, if you don't mind my temerity in asking."

She arched an eyebrow, but said "Very well, then. Guards, go about your business and look for any signs of this creature. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, feel free to go back to bed. Navarone, we can have another room drawn up for you, if you wish."

"Nay, I don't think I'll be getting any sleep tonight. Do you have any big rooms with lots of books?"

In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that some servant was really annoyed with those proceedings and would lead me straight to the royal treasury record room instead of the library, but at least there I was able to snatch a few hours of troubled sleep in physical, if not mental, peace. I know I said I didn't feel tired, but hell, it's amazing what extreme paranoia added on to the literal fear of getting my face eaten does to you. When I finally got settled on the floor of the musty treasury chamber, I wasn't sitting for two minutes before I fell out.

And because everything about that trip seemed destined to make me feel bad, I got woken up by getting kicked in the ribs by a very hard hoof. Apparently the servant that thought to play the joke of putting me here didn't mention my presence to the incoming treasurer, and he was trying to get what he considered an unwelcome intruder out of his hair. Bloody stuck up bureaucrat. I sometimes find it a shame that I considered charisma the dump stat of my life; times like these are when I really wish I had paid more attention to friends back on my world.

Long story short, I extricated myself from the treasury at a dead run, followed by a string of curses that seemed odd to hear coming from a pony.

Apparently that servant pony also forgot to tell anyone else where I was. I wandered upon a search party combing the castle for me a bit later.

"When we couldn't find you in any of the palace libraries, or any of the other locations with books, or any of the guest rooms, we really started to worry!"

"Yeah… some jokester took my meaning of asking for a roomful of books as meaning a bloody treasury record room." _A jokester I mean to hurt, if I can find again._

"Princess Celestia is waiting for you. Please, follow us."

I did.

Princess Celestia was waiting in the same sitting room we were in yesterday. "Thank goodness you found him. Go tell the rest of the search parties he's safe." When they had bowed and exited, she looked at me. "Get comfortable. We're going to be here a while, we're going to be talking about awkward things, and there's a chance that nothing we say here will ever leave this room."_ Oh, shit._ I leaned against the wall with the window, partially sitting on the windowsill. I had a really, really, really bad feeling.

"Look, if this is about—" I started, before being cut off.

"No, we're going to talk about my sister, first. What happened last night? What did you say to her, and what did she say to you?"

"She accidentally admitted to being the one to remove the spells on me in the competition, I think."

"I already know that much. What _else_?"

_Oh God, this really is bad._ "…We were talking about my conversation with you. I didn't know if she was trying to pry me for details about what I told you or if she was just making conversation." Something clicked, then. "Wait, what do you mean you knew?"

"In a minute. What else did you talk about?"

"We were joking around, fake flirting I think. Surely you don't think I… What is this about?" I was getting scared, now.

"That would do it," she muttered. "Okay, here's how it stands. And listen, I'm only going through this once. Luna is apparently in love with you, for whatever reason. She removed her own spell on you during the competition and made sure the other rescuer had a drink that knocked him out. She thought that, even if she did fail to save you, my spell would make sure you didn't die. And if she had succeeded in saving you, that you would be grateful to her. Grateful enough, perhaps, to admit to returning those feelings of love. I know this because she told me right after she woke up from her collision with Rainbow Dash. She felt so terrible about your injury… I promised not to tell you until after this little event we had planned in a week, to see what you would do towards her. However, apparently when she mistook your comment last night, she thought I had told you and that you were recovering from your slip of the tongue with a clever comment about her involvement. For some reason, and this is something you might be able to help me with, she tried to kill Rainbow Dash last night. The moth creature is a kind of night creature that only Luna or the most powerful of magic users can control. I suspect the guard you saw last night was positioned to make sure Rainbow Dash didn't make it. After he disappeared, he reported to Luna that the attempt had failed, and that instead of targeting Rainbow Dash it had almost targeted you. She was rather distraught, and immediately saw herself to my chambers, where she confessed all of this to me. She's sitting in my quarters still, crying her eyes out. This puts me and you in awkward positions here, and awkward doesn't even begin to describe Luna's position."

She was silent for a few minutes, letting that sink in. It was… a lot to take. And it sounded like a God damn drama flick. Unrequited love, a botched murder attempt that almost took out the love interest, a young, naïve princess falling in love with a common monster… I looked up at Celestia. "Look, Princess, you have to know, I had no idea… I didn't… I didn't know!"

"I'm not blaming you. Yet. However, I do need to know some things. First, do you know why she tried to kill Rainbow Dash?"

I nodded slowly, putting some pieces together in my mind. "I have a… suspicion. And in the spirit of friendship, I ask that you don't act on this." I waited for her nod. "Rainbow Dash is the one that gave the rescuer the knot on his head. She didn't know any of the spells had been removed, or that Luna was trying to do anything. She just wanted to look good for the Wonderbolts. Luna may have pieced that together from some of the things I told her. Or she may have assumed that Rainbow Dash was trying to save me because Rainbow Dash loved me. When I first met Luna, I had been doing an experiment with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, and I may have mentioned that I learned a few interesting secrets about Rainbow Dash, but I didn't expound upon what they were. It's so long ago that I don't really remember anymore. Luna may have just been trying to eliminate a rival to what she conceived as her position on my list of people that I 'love.'" Come to think of it, though, MacIntosh said she didn't want a stallion. He didn't say specifically that she wanted a mare instead… It was possible, but very, very unlikely, that Rainbow Dash also loved me. Personally, I don't believe it, but the way this day is going, who knows?

"That fits with what she told me. I admit that I don't like letting something like assault go, but I fear I might be guilty of more crimes than that after this. Now, for the important question: How do you feel about Luna? Or, rather, how did you feel about Luna before all this?"

"I do not love her. I saw her as a friend. She's a God damned horse! I can't imagine… God!"

She smiled at that. "I don't know if I should feel insulted by that or grateful. Now, what should we do?"

"I don't know. I'm worried, Celestia. If we don't handle this well, I'm fucked. I don't know how much you know about it, but unrequited love can end in a few ways: the lover gets over it, the lover obsesses in silence until they die, the lover obsesses aloud or in poetry, or the lover kidnaps the love interest and holds them captive until Stockholm syndrome takes over and they're loved back." That doesn't happen often. But then, it isn't often that a princess with magic falls in love with someone without magic. Of course, magic isn't that common where I come from anyway. "If we screw up, we might all think this is blown over, and then one day I disappear and can never be found again."

"One way or another, you have my word that I will not let that happen. I'll imprison her until you die of old age before I let her kidnap somepony and force them to love her against their will." I was somewhat relieved at that, and somewhat saddened at the thought that it might come to that. "Now," she continued, "how do you think we should handle this?"

I thought. "Who all knows that Luna tried to murder Rainbow Dash?"

"Me, you, Luna, and the guard."

"How trustworthy is the guard?"

"Third generation. He'll do whatever he's told without question."

"There are a few problems in saying we just pretend this whole thing never happened. It will give Luna hope that I return her feelings. And if we do pretend it never happened, it makes it look to her like something like this is okay. I don't envy the stallion she'll eventually properly fall in love with if he doesn't return her feelings. How can we show her that attempted murder is _not _okay while at the same time making sure as few people know about this as possible, and make sure she knows that I don't love her without either pissing her off enough to kidnap me or grieving too terribly?"

"It would grieve me terribly to do it, and it might make her hate me, but I could imprison her again."

"Not an option. The people would _never _accept her back if they found out why she was being imprisoned, and you know someone would be asking the question. Dodging the question or lying would backfire, as I'm sure there are only so many crimes a royal princess could do that would warrant exile. I would prefer this ending with all parties reasonably pleased with what they get."

"If I had the magic to make you into a pony, would you be willing to give love with Luna a chance?" _So that's why she was asking!_

"And lose my thumbs? Hell no. Have you ever tried turning a page without them? Impossible."

"I'm being serious, Navarone."

"As am I, at least in my answer."

"And what if she was willing to become a human?"

Now that stumped me for a bit. "I have a few problems with that. Wouldn't that bring a lot of awkwardness on the royal family?"

"Yes. But I'm willing to deal with awkwardness in order to make you both happy."

Hmm. "Is the transformation permanent?"

"It could be reversed, yes. Apparently she's tested it a few times. She was going to surprise you on the last night of the week before the celebration."

That sounded ominous, in a few ways. "I find myself objecting to the idea of love stemming only from appearances. I think that, if I was a person someone deserved in terms of love, I would accept them for who they are, and not have to force them to adapt to my standards. Why is this any different?"

"To be honest, that's exactly the answer I expected from you, and philosophically I'm pleased to hear it. However, in terms of the situation, this puts us in a bad spot. What can we do?"

_This is a bad, bad idea…_ "You could kill me."

The pervading silence was very awkward, to say the least. "And what," she finally asked, "would that solve?"

"Not you personally, mind. The guard that knows Luna ordered the attack would be best, so she would hate him for it instead of you. I can't believe I'm actually suggesting this… Think about it: with me dead, there are now three people that know about this, and none of the three of them will ever make any mention of it. The guard will very likely end up dead soon after, or find himself reassigned. Sucks for him, boohoo, that's what he gets for not abiding by the Nuremberg Laws. Luna will grieve but she'll get over it eventually. Her anger at Rainbow Dash will end, since there's no reason for her to be a threat anymore."

"That still leaves her going unpunished for crime of attempted murder, and we'll have a murderer guard on the staff."

"Have the guard put to death, then. If he follows two orders to murder, he's not safe to have around. And if you put the guard to death for murder, Luna will never suspect you of having ordered my death. Console her in her grief, and tell her that you think she's been punished enough. She'll buy it, because you're a merciful leader and a good sister."

"That's a perfect solution, but for one issue. I'm not going to order somepony murdered."

I let out a breath that I didn't realize I had been holding. "I'm not going to say I'm disappointed."

"I would be worried if you were," she said drily. "Now, we need something else."

"I can think of one more thing to try, but it's hardly perfect. How often does Luna leave the castle?"

"Every now and then to see you, but other than that she's usually here."

"Forbid her from leaving at all, aside from a few state functions that it would be noticed if she wasn't there. Attempted murder where I come from has a sentence of, like, five years or something. There's a chance that, at the end of that sentence, she'll have forgotten her love for me. But there's also just as much of a possibility that she'll come out of it with me foremost in her mind. God, there's just no good way to do this!" We thought for a while. I sighed. "Princess, if you honest to God truly believe the best solution would be me admitting love to Luna, I can lie. I don't like the idea of it and you don't like the idea of it. But… what else can we do? She's young, yet, and will eventually find that this isn't what her heart wants. But we don't exactly have the time to wait for her to realize that."

"No, that wouldn't go over well. One mistake on your part and everything is ruined. What we need is an arbiter that will give us everything we need and that Luna can't touch with royal power. Somepony wise that perhaps lives beyond my realm, and would have nothing to gain from trying to blackmail us. Somepony that Luna doesn't know we know and can't know that we're influencing."

We both came to a conclusion at the same instant, and we both spoke aloud: "Zecora!" "The dragon!" We both paused, then said the same thing at the same time, "Of course! That makes much more sense!" We both paused again, and I nodded at her to explain. Before I go over that, I feel I should talk a bit about the dragon: He's an ancient dragon that Twilight and her friends ran into a few months back. He was smoking up the countryside by snoring or something. He's ancient. I've already discussed Zecora.

Celestia said, "Zecora would be a lot more trustworthy than the dragon, and a lot less dangerous to deal with. I've heard Twilight talk about her wisdom, and I know Luna doesn't read the letters from Twilight about her silly lessons on friendship. Luna may know Zecora from her small, small time in the forest, but it's unlikely. We don't actually control the forest anymore, so she technically lives outside of my realm and can't be legally touched by Luna in revenge." She then nodded at me to explain.

"The dragon would have to be ancient to grow to even the unexaggerated size I was told about. Luna would have to accept the wisdom in his words as they hold behind them so much experience. He might be dangerous to deal with, but that works in his favor. Luna would be afraid to make a move against him later. And you've honestly never had any dealings with him yourself, aside from getting Twilight and her cadre to move the fellow. He might have to be woken up again, but I'm sure even one such as he couldn't ignore a royal invitation. And we know that as soon as we tell him goodbye, he'll never, ever tell anyone, since he'll probably bugger right back off and sleep for a hundred years." Honestly, both answers made sense. Due to time constraints, however, Zecora was sent for at once.

"So, what do we get her to tell Luna?" I asked.

"Confined to the palace for five years for attempted murder. Forget her crush on you. Stop acting like a child instead of a several thousand year old princess."

I nodded. "When Zecora gets here, I can't be allowed to see her. And when she gives her verdict, I can't be in the room. It should be just the three of you."

"I know, Navarone. This whole situation is just… bad."

"Yeah, you're telling me…What about the whole celebration thing in a week? I don't know if it'll be a good idea to let Luna see me so soon after this goes down."

"As much as I'd like to think she'd take it well, she's probably still in my room crying. You're right. When Zecora leaves, you can all go with her. We'll just tell everyone Zecora was here to bring a cure for Luna, who came down with a sickness after running into your moth creature from last night. No one else alive knows what they are, and it will easily be passed off as a onetime thing. Luna will have killed it, but not before it hit her with a slow acting poison that I can't cure but Zecora can, with her odd tribal medicines. This is all just a mess… I haven't had to do this much damage control since Luna tried to rebel the last time."

"This is my first time dealing with something like this, at least. Hopefully it will be my last. I hate dealing in politics; it's usually easy, as people are easy to manipulate, but sometimes shit like this comes up and just blows up in everyone's face."

We sat in silence for several minutes, just thinking. Something, though, was nagging a bit at me, something I should have picked up on earlier. "You said Luna only removed her spell on me… What about your spell?"

"I just… don't know. It could not have worn off. It is possible Luna accidentally removed it as well, but in the middle of day like that, my spell should have been too strong for her to touch. To put it in your blunt terms, your life kind of sucks. You spend the first part of your life learning so much to get a job in your world, instead of making friends. Then you get sucked here, where almost none of what you learned applies anymore. Then, in the short time you've been here, you've had somepony you don't love fall in love with you, enough to risk your life over it, you've almost been murdered by at least three people in one instant and then almost murdered again on accident by one of those same people that also loves you, and then you had to help solve a crisis that wasn't your fault and against which you were honestly the only victim, but if wasn't solved would have created a scandal that would end up with Luna and me embarrassed for perhaps forever."

"And that's not mentioning the fact that I got kidnapped once by Rainbow Dash, almost killed by three little lasses trying to get their Cutie Marks, I'm constantly plagued by bad dreams, and I'm occasionally forced to wear really gaudy clothing."

"The dreams I knew about, the clothing I knew about, and I've even heard some of the things the 'cutie mark crusaders' have done to you. But Rainbow Dash also kidnapped you?"

"Yeah, that was the precursor to the whole rodeo thing. She wanted some questions answered and she didn't want to ask them the traditional way, what with the possibility of me lying and all. So she had Twilight enchant a piece of stone to put in her sky mansion and didn't say why. Then Rainbow Dash kidnapped me, flew me to her mansion, and threatened to leave me up there until I told her what she wanted to know."

"You realize that this is now the second criminal offense I have to pretend to not know about her, right? Is there anything else that she's done to you, to make it a nice three?"

"Well, she did accidentally break my window once. I have absolutely no idea how she didn't end up injured at all, but she managed."

"Yes, I do remember that one; I ended up paying for that window, I believe. From the sound of things, Luna had a bit of a right to be jealous of Rainbow Dash," she said, sarcastically. "You talk about Luna maybe kidnapping you and holding you against your will, but Rainbow Dash actually did. And she must have been in a pretty big hurry to see you if she broke a window to get to you. There's also the fact that she, too, wanted to be the one to save you. She said she had a different reason, but ponies do crazy things for love…"

"While I was surprised to hear that Luna loved me, I would be absolutely and one hundred percent shocked if Rainbow Dash did. I think I know who she's into, and it's not me."

"I'm tired after dealing with that whole mess and looking for a chance to relax. Gossip seems a decent way to waste some time. Do tell!" I was committed, now, and revealed what Applejack and I discovered back at the farm. In case Rainbow Dash somehow gets her hooves on this, I'll leave my suspicions unprinted. She'll already defame my death enough if she reads what we really did to her at the barn, but I don't need her digging my body up and abusing it on top of everything else.

"Wow! And she doesn't even suspect? I never would have guessed… Anything else?"

"Spike likes Rarity. I'm pretty sure she knows and is just using him for free labor. Fluttershy would like to be a tree. Pinkie Pie is probably manic depressive. Nothing really that juicy or interesting, sadly. I don't gossip much with them."

"Oh, come on. You've lived with Twilight for the past several months. You have _nothing _to show for that?"

"Alright, but only because you never revoked the 'nothing leaves this room' pact…" I'll also leave this unprinted, because I don't trust Twilight's magic to not find a way to revive me and then kill me again, in a more painful manner. And if I'm not dead, well, fuck me. I hope whoever is reading this doesn't like the idea of blackmail.

When I finished, Celestia was quiet for a minute. I honestly thought I went too far for a second, until she just burst out laughing. "No way! Just no way! Are you sure?"

"As sure as I can be without actually asking her, yes. And there is no way in hell I will be doing that. And you won't, either, because she'll wonder how you found out. And then when you don't tell her and she finds out that we were talking alone for several hours, she'll put two and two together. If she ends up beating me for that, I'll find a way to get back at you, princess or not."

"I believe it, and I can understand why! I never thought… Wow! And you never once thought to move?"

"And where else am I going to go? Fluttershy lives in a small cottage full of animals. Rainbow Dash lives in a mansion in the sky. Rarity… just no. Pinkie Pie lives in a rented room, I think, and she scares me anyway. Applejack, maybe, but I don't really like living in the farm atmosphere; I tried it a few times, and it's just not for me. And before, when living here with you and Luna might have been an option, it would have separated me from the only other people I ever knew here. That isn't even an option anymore, though, so yeah."

"Well, it could be an option. You always have the option of pretending to love Luna and staying here. Maybe one day it'll become true. Or I could turn you into a pony and let you romance her the hard way."

"Luna may be a bit naïve, but she isn't stupid. I learned at least that much from our talks. She may believe I love her, but she would figure out rather quickly that I was the male pony if you turned me into one. Besides, it just doesn't seem fair to her, to let her be with someone that doesn't—or can't—feel the same way she does."

"I know. It was more in jest than an actual offer."

"Aye. It's a damn shame this happened. I honestly didn't think… I'm still used to human women, you see. My culture… everyone there grows so desensitized to stuff like I was saying to her, the little flirty remarks. I never once imagined it would turn into… this."

"I understand, Navarone, and I don't blame you. Really, I should have noticed some of the warning signs. She started acting strange not long after she met you, and left more and more of her royal duties undone in order to visit you."

"Thinking about it, you probably shouldn't tell her about this conversation at all. I don't want her to get hurt, but nor do I want her to keep obsessing after me. Getting enough people to tell her this is a pointless love might drill it through her head. Unlikely, I know—God help me, I learned that the hard way—but possible."

"What do you mean, you learned it the hard way?"

"Hah. A bit of gossip about my old life that no one here knows, which is probably for the best. And that's the way it will stay, aside from you, we clear?" I waited for her nod once again before continuing. "Alright, you won't believe this, but I'll tell you anyway. When I was younger, about thirteen or fourteen, I was a helpless romantic. Yes, I see you laughing, don't try to hide it. I was, I admit it with no shame. Anyway, there was a girl I liked. Completely out of my reach. Famous, beautiful—stunning, even—talented, and impossible for a guy like me to touch. I was nothing, you see, just a face in the crowd. I was a face in the crowd, but a face that wore his love openly on it. Without even pausing, when I met her, she just kept walking. Didn't even grace me with a look. Everyone I told before said it would happen, that she was nothing but a pretty face without a personality to back it up. Friends, family, and even my parents told me not to bother. But love, I thought, love could conquer anything. I learned… God, how I learned." That story isn't actually true, by the way. "Love, I found then, is a weakness to be used against you. You give someone power over you and hope they don't abuse that power. You give someone the power to hurt you, to crush you, to make you what they want. And yet, as long as they give you any attention, any hint of affection, that is love well spent, as far as you're concerned. Until… Until, my dear friend, you look back. You look back and see what you have become, and what you have gained because of it. I realized this, realized the weakness love gave me, and with that I severed all its holds over me. I slowly became inured, strong yet weak, impregnable yet alone. I would not want that fate for your sister. I do not want anyone to learn the lesson I did, because it is not true, as I later found out. I eventually saw true love, lass, and with it came a realization that the love I described? It is nothing, it is obsessive love, it is _unrequited _love, something that only one party feels, while the other merely uses that love to suit them. The kind of 'love' my parents felt towards each other, for a time. Maybe I rant. Maybe I am still young. You, who have lived a thousand years and more, can you tell me I am wrong?"

"Honestly, Navarone, I have never loved, not as a mare loves a stallion. What you say sounds pretty, beautiful, perhaps, and I would like to believe it. I cannot imagine love as a selfish thing. And it is obvious that, though you say you cannot love, that you at least care about my sister, and I am grateful for that, at least."

"Say what you want about me, but never let it be said that I like to hurt others. One of my real reasons for avoiding relationships is because I don't want to get hurt myself, and that I don't want to hurt others should I decide to break up. Selfish, perhaps, but it is true."

"Why is the desire to protect yourself and others selfish?"

"I somewhat wonder if you're just testing me with these questions, or if you are honestly confused by them." I waited for a reaction, but got none. Smiling, I continued, "Is it truly fair to assume someone is unable to handle pain of their own, and to deny them any 'happiness' they might receive from my attentions, however brief? While I myself would not find such a thing worth it, for the pain received at the possibility of a breakup is too much for one such as I that remembers everything too well—including pain, sadly—it is not worth it at all. So I assume everyone is like me in that regard. But I also know that isn't true."

"I can see why that might be considered selfish, but it could also be considered selfless: Denying yourself happiness to avoid causing pain in others."

"Therein lies the dilemma. Just… do me a favor and don't tell Luna about this conversation at all, unless you think you can find a way to tell her that I don't love her without her either coming after me like an avenging angel or her coming after me like a stalker serial rapist."

"If she doesn't stop loving you in the five years she's to be confined, you'll have to deal with her then. And I'm almost certain she will be considerably more angry at you when she discovers that she held her love for you for five agonizing years of waiting, while you never once loved her."

I grimaced at that. "What would you have me do, then? You could tell her now, and risk having her not accede to the five year imprisonment or risk hurting her, or you could not tell her and let her assume I love her, and in five years I can either disappear or voluntarily accede to her unrequited love and retire in peace with her. Who knows how she or I will feel in five years? With my luck, there's a good chance I'll be dead."

"Even your luck isn't bad enough to get you killed."

"Aye, but there's still another murderer running around, the person that removed your spell. Unless I can get that resolved, I'll be a target. A wary target, but still marked."

"You know how to think negatively."

"It's a talent, it is. So how long do you think it will be until Zecora gets here?"

"I told Twilight that it needs to be done as soon as possible. Knowing her, she'll finish reading whatever she was in the middle of before getting on it, but hopefully she'll actually hurry for once."

"What should I tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?"

"Tell them what we're going to make the official story: The monster you saw found Luna in one of her moonlight strolls around the gardens, bit her, and we needed Zecora to heal her. But she'll be unconscious for a while anyway, and I'll be watching over her. In light of that, the event is canceled."

"I will be sure to tell them, then. This is not something I really wanted to wake up to, but at least we were hopefully able to deal with it. Oh, and if Luna begs to talk to me one time before we leave, tell her it's part of her punishment, and that you never told me she loves me."

"Don't worry, Navarone. I know what to tell her."

We exchanged a few more pleasantries and bits of unimportant gossip before we parted ways, her to visit and try to calm Luna, I to tell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy what the hell was going on and why they were locked in their rooms. Well, our version of what the hell was going on, at least.

Zecora arrived late in the day, when the day was just bordering on night. Celestia decided—perhaps wisely, as things turned out—to wait until the next day to deliver any judgment. Her reasoning, which I thought made sense, was that Celestia would be at the height of her strength and that Luna would be at the lowest point. So instead, Zecora was briefed on the situation, told what to say, and then billeted in a room away from any of us, ostensibly to prepare her ointments.

Now, a few caveats for this next section: First, it's painful for me to write at all, for reasons you'll soon understand. Second, I'm writing this a bit after the fact and I'm not much of a lyrical person anyway, so all of Zecora's speech will be translated from bloody annoying poetry and rhyming to stuff that's easy to write. If you think that's laziness, well, fuck you, _I'm _the one writing this about _my _life, so bugger off. Third, this is awkward as shit, so I might gloss over what an outside observer might see as important. If so, whatever. This is, again, _my _journal.

That aside, let's continue.

The next day, I was telling another off color joke to the guards watching our rooms, much to the consternation of Fluttershy, when a messenger arrived. He politely waited for me to finish the joke, and then told me, "Princess Celestia is requesting you, human." The color immediately drained from my face, but I was hoping that the meeting between them and Zecora was done and Celestia was just going to say bye.

I fell into step behind the messenger when he told me, "She also gave me a message to give to you when we left the others: 'Zecora didn't listen to me.' I don't know what it means, but she made absolutely sure that I would remember to tell you."

Yeah, this is going to be bad. Real bad. I managed to stammer a reply to the messenger, but I don't even remember what I said. I thought back to the window, and wondered if he had orders to drag me there by the scruff of the neck if I bolted.

He must have read some of that on my face, because he said, "For some reason, the guards are watching many of the entrances now. Maybe it has something to do with that moth creature. I heard it attacked Princess Luna!"

I managed to say, "I guess I got lucky, then…" _Well, there goes that option_. I was considering trying to hide in the palace until the fervor fell away when we actually reached the meeting room.

See, this is one of those times I wish I was a smoker. I would have had more than one instant to take everything in, as I pulled one out and lit it. But whatever.

Anyway, at first glance, this is what I saw: Celestia was of course looking regal, but with hints of nervousness and anger. She kept darting dark, furtive glances at Zecora, then looking away. Zecora was looking just as regal, and completely composed. She is, if I have not said before, a zebra, and was a nice contrast between the light and the dark of the two royal sisters. She also presented a very nice balancing point in the room, and I almost felt myself drifting towards the safety I thought she represented in that room I was so hesitant to enter. Luna, though… I could look at her and tell she had been crying. But the look she gave me almost broke my damn heart. I'm callous, hateful even, and not one for poetry, but I think even I could have written volumes just from seeing that glance alone. And it hurt me so, because I had a feeling I was about to crush her heart.

"I was summoned?" I asked in a voice that sounded a hell of a lot more confident than I was feeling. I could see Celestia visibly slump, relaxed at how I was choosing to play this.

"Zecora," Celestia said, trying to hide any vestiges of hate in her utterance of the name, "has some questions for you."

"Shoot."

Remember, I'm translating this from poetry. Some of the 'effect' might be gone, but whatever. "Yes, I do. What is the penalty for attempted murder in your world, human?"

"Depends on the severity of the damage to the victim, and the involvement of the accused. Attempted murder alone will usually net you five years, and that's if you can prove the person involved meant for the other person to die. Criminal negligence, which is what it is called if the person almost died or did die as a result of something the accused accidentally did, carries less of a sentence. Two years, maybe. I don't know for sure; I didn't pay much attention to law. If the victim was actually injured, you can usually add on charges of assault and battery as well." In truth, I didn't know any of that. I was just making shit up to bide for time. I could see Luna visibly shrink when I mentioned the punishments. "Why? Did you catch that moth dude that tried to deep six me, and, as I've heard, attempted the life of the princess as well? I wouldn't mind settling accounts personally with that bugger." With that, Luna started crying again. I raised an eyebrow at Celestia, and she just grimaced.

"Something like that, you could say," Zecora told me. "How did you know the princess was injured?"

She's a fast one, she is. "The messenger told me he heard a rumor that she had been, and I assumed that if you were here you were probably here to help heal her; I've heard Twilight talk of your skills with dealing with odd maladies." She smiled at that, oddly. At that point, I knew she suspected that Celestia already told me everything, but she didn't have any proof. I figured we were probably playing high stakes here, so I turned on every mental shield I had and determined to let nothing through. I never was much of an actor, but by God I can muddle my way through this.

And then Zecora started dropping bombshells, watching for my reaction after each one. She started with Luna's actions during the competition, to which I was able to show a small amount of shock as I would have already known that due to her own accidental confession. She then hit me with Luna's attempt on Rainbow Dash, to which I faked a decent amount of horror and shock. And then she tried to obliterate me with the motive, love… I'd like to think my performance would have gotten me a Grammy, but honestly, I don't know. Celestia later told me she was terrified I would screw it up, but she slowly started feeling better through it. Luna wasn't really watching, anyway. She was too busy bawling. Zecora was, though, and I knew for her sake if for no other reason I had to fake it, so I did my best.

And when she finished, I sat at a loss for words. There were a few things I could have done, I knew. I am no Harrison Ford, but I can occasionally ad lib well. This was not one of those times.

I couldn't think of anything to say, but I knew what I had to do. And I knew it would take good timing. And I knew it would probably ruin my life in a few years, but hell, my life was pretty much already fucked from being here anyway.

Minutes passed. Luna tried to stop crying. Zecora and Celestia were both watching me, Zecora with a knowing smile and Celestia with a worried frown. I waited until Luna looked down.

And then I stood up, walked over to Luna, and hugged her. I may be damned to hell for it, but I couldn't hurt her. Celestia sighed, Luna cried, I was dying inside, and Zecora just… smiled.

After a small amount of words that I will not repeat here were traded, Zecora said, "Despite the motive in these crimes being love, they cannot go unpunished. As you testified yourself, Navarone, the punishment for these two offenses would be seven years. Can any of you think of any reason that should be lessened?"

"I could forgive her two of those years," I ventured, risking myself to attempt to improve my possible situation in the coming years. "The crime against me by her was just an accident, and I'm almost positive that even if she hadn't removed her spell on me, it would have been removed by someone else. After all, she only removed the one spell, while both that and the other were gone when I fell."

"Nay," Zecora said. "You shall not come to her rescue so easy. What you said is a possibility, while it is a known that Luna removed her spell on you. Your accident was in part caused by her, so far as we know. You said it yourself, in your definition of… criminal negligence, I believe it was?"

I tried, and the attempt was appreciated, if nothing else.

"Seven years it is, then," Zecora pronounced. "You are to be exiled here in Canterlot for seven years, Luna. And Navarone, you are not to visit her, for as I once found, time spent in love goes by unnoticed."

And so it was. I feared what the future would bring. With her pronouncement, Zecora left. Celestia rescued me from the embrace of my… beloved, promising that the sooner the punishment began, the sooner it would end. We left the hall with Luna's parting words ringing in our ears: "I will wait for you."

Well, shit.

Celestia and I went back to the same sitting room that we were in before. I'm beginning to think this is the only one in this damn palace.

"Look, Navarone…" she started.

"I can kill Zecora, if you want. All her wisdom and knowledge won't save her from a burning hut and a slit throat."

"No, we're not going to go around killing ponies that give pronouncements we don't like. And I know for sure you had more say there than you pretend you did. You could have told Zecora any amount of years, and she would have agreed to it. Luna wouldn't know and she couldn't blame you. You could have had her locked up until you died. And I know you know Zecora would have done whatever you told her."

I lost my shit. "I give people fair play! That's all I've ever done and that's all I've asked in return! In my own world that's all I wanted, that's all I asked for! And it never happened, not once! I helped people and got shit in return! I was fair and all it got me was mocked! When I was brought here, I thought this was a world where I could get my honest rewards, what I deserve, for once! Tell me, what have I done to earn eternal imprisonment, starting in seven years, attached to a woman I do not love? I have no qualms about admitting that I am, in fact, a bad person. However, am I truly so bad that something like _this _is my just desserts?"

She was silent at my tirade. I was… pissed, would be the best word.

Then… laughter. Small, quiet, but laughter. "You realize, Navarone, that you just asked me permission to murder somepony."

I couldn't help but smile at that, honestly. "Fine. Fair. I suppose the better question would be, what did Luna do to deserve this? She's asking for a lifetime attached to a monster, 'the most dangerous animal in existence.'"

"Sometimes the worst punishment you can give a pony is exactly what they want. Who knows? Maybe you'll grow into each other. You're both still young."

"She's several thousand years old. And she probably has several thousand years yet to go. I will die in about fifty to seventy, if I'm lucky."

"Not necessarily. There are… ways of extending life." Now that got my attention. "As with anything of its nature, though, it involves a sacrifice. One lifeline for another, basically. One thing loses time and the other gains it. I would not suggest it, but that it would make my sister sad to lose you. I would not want anypony to give their life for it, though."

_Has she really never thought of this_? "So we'll use a fucking tree. Hell, those live forever, and are easily replaced."

She slowly nodded. "Luna and I have thought about that in the past, actually. We never tested it, though. I had actually forgotten about the idea entirely. I wonder if we could do that for everypony…"

So as it turns out, I completely accidentally revolutionized life for the ponies. Or, rather, I added a very, very complex moral dilemma to their plates.

"Before you suddenly give everyone eternal life, you should honestly think about it. Without more space, you will eventually run into population problems. Possible food shortages, overcrowding, running out of trees, disease, and any manner of other problems can come up from making life last forever, or just longer. If you had unlimited space and possibilities for unlimited food, there would be no problem, but such is not the case. There is a problem, here: Do we allow everlasting life and limit breeding? Do we tell no one that it's possible and let life continue as it was? Or do we allow everlasting life and hope a solution will be present before a problem arises? And what will you tell everyone that lost a loved one just yesterday? 'Oh, I'm sorry, this literally just popped into existence yesterday, because no one ever thought about this sideways.' Hell, do we dare spit in the face of evolution? We can't let something like this be decided here and now."

"In all honesty, it is a bit of a moot point anyway. There are very, very few unicorns strong enough to cast a spell of the magnitude that it would require. We could get to a fraction of the population, but we couldn't get to everyone. I don't know if I want to give part of my ponies something that I can't give to everyone."

"There are a lot of moral debates here. As I said, we can decide nothing. And we're getting off track anyway. So, we could give me eternal life. The question is, do I want it? To see the eons pass, to see everyone I know wither and die, to watch civilizations grow and crumble, to watch trends disappear as fast as they appear, to one day lose myself to the passings of millennia and to have a massive memorial service for one of the deathless giants… It sounds wonderful, I can't lie, but tell me, personally,_ is it worth it_?"

"For me, who had no choice in the matter, yes. I do watch my friends die, yes, and every time I look upon them it seems like they have changed, while I remain the same. But—and this is a very important but—I have the memories of all the happy times with them. I am old, Nav. Very, very old. I have seen all what you have said. I can't lie; I miss my lost friends. But I don't regret their passing and my living. For a long time after my sister betrayed me, I stayed completely aloof from everyone. I ruled in near silence, not trusting anyone near me. For almost a hundred and fifty years I was like that. I look back, and of all my life, that is one of my biggest regrets. For me, who was born into this life, it was worth it, yes. For you, who have seen less than twenty summers and are just that mature, it might not be. And when you are spending that life in the company with somepony you don't like, it would be unbearable."

"I don't dislike Luna. I just… don't love her. I have at least seven years to decide. I will… think on it. And I will mention it to no one." Of course, anyone reading my journal would find out about it. So it's a good thing no one is reading this. Right? RIGHT?

…Unless I'm still alive and am just lying about this conversation to find out who's reading my journals. You assholes.

I extracted from Celestia a promise to undermine her sister's love in me however she could, hoping it wouldn't backfire, and made my way back to my temporary quarters to tell Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash we could go home now.

"Why did Princess Celestia want you?" Rainbow Dash asked. "You two sure have been talking a lot."

"It's not every day you meet another member of a sentient race that confirmed the fact that you are not alone in the multiverse. But she just wanted to ask about a matter of legal precedent, and to bid me farewell. She would have seen us off in person, but with her sister as she is, she thought it best to be near her."

"Oh, I hope Princess Luna will get better," Fluttershy said. "Is there anything we can do for her before we leave?"

"Nay, lass. Zecora has done an admirable job in settling that issue. We are all to depart soon; you can talk to her then."

"She's not staying behind to make sure Luna gets better?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"No, she's not," I said, letting the matter drop. They just looked at each other and shrugged.

Well, that was my first adventure in Canterlot.

Adventure? I can think of a better way of putting it: Clusterfuck of epic proportions.

The first thing I did when I got back was collecting a large amount of dead wood from the forest and starting a bonfire. I don't know why, I just wanted to burn something. The Cutie Mark Crusaders helped, but after a few looks at the expression on my face they didn't talk much. I heard one of them say something about a fire fighting cutie mark, but in truth I didn't care. I just wanted to watch something burn.

I found myself humming a song from a game I once played… I don't want to set the world on fire. Not the most fitting song, for at the moment I wanted to burn everything I could see, but I suppose it was somewhat fitting.

The wood was dry, and it caught easily. We packed it well, and it burned late into the night.

I won't lie, I am tempted to leave the rest of that night out. No real reason for it, but it just seems… like something I won't need to write down to have to remember.

All of the Twilight's cadre, including the lass herself, eventually joined us at the fire. Few of them had seen one so large.

Pinkie Pie found me when the fillies were looking for more wood. "Hey Navarone, what's the occasion?" Pinkie Pie asked me, her voice cutting through the solemnity of the moment I was feeling.

"Nothing in particular, my dear. I just… wanted to see something burn," I answered, smiling sadly.

"Are you sure? You didn't even bring any marshmallows! How can you have a bonfire without marshmallows?" she remonstrated me. "And you didn't invite anypony, either! What kind of party is this?"

"'Tis no party, lass. Feel free to invite anyone that wants to join me, though. And feel free to bring marshmallows if you want. I did not wish to spend the night with company, but alas, I find myself beset on one side by fillies and on the other by ponies." I waved my hand at the returning group, who were carrying as much wood as their poor bodies could.

"I'll go tell everyone!" she cried, with as much joy in her heart as I felt leave mine.

Rarity was, of course, the first to arrive. Just my luck. "Sweetie Belle, what are _you _doing here?"

"Navarone said I could help! I might get a forest cleaning or a fire fighting cutie mark!"

"He said that, did he?" she asked in a very flat voice that promised sharp words for me later. I just shrugged, not really caring. She just sighed. "Well, what's done is done. So, Navarone, what's the occasion? Pinkie Pie just told me there was a party happening here. No pony looks that happy…"

"Pinkie Pie, as ever, has the tendency to exaggerate. What I said is that I was burning for the sake of burning, and that she could invite anyone she wanted to. She's the party planner. Me? I just wanted to burn something. Feel free to stay; I find it's very therapeutic to just watch the flames."

She sat across the fire from me, I guess assuming that when the rest got there the actual party would start. Soon she was just as engrossed in the flames as the younger ones were, and as I was getting.

The next to arrive was Fluttershy. "Oh, hello Navarone! I didn't know Pinkie Pie got to you already. I was just walking back home when she ran into me and told me to come here."

"She didn't have to go far to find me," I said.

Scootaloo chimed in, "Yeah, Nav is the one who set the fire! Pinkie Pie came by and decided to make a party out of it." _Much to my consternation_ was my unsaid contribution to that statement.

"Oh, I thought this was another of Pinkie Pie's plans to welcome us back. Still, it's nice to get together with friends… Oh, hi Rarity! I didn't see you over there!"

Rarity muttered something, a greeting perhaps, somewhat absorbed by the gentle flickering of the flames.

"Rarity?" I said a bit louder.

"What? Oh, hello Fluttershy! I was just… watching the fire. I have to give it to him, Navarone knows what he's talking about when it comes to that. It is… enchanting, in a way."

Fluttershy joined our impromptu circle around the fire.

We were all getting into it again when Applejack arrived in a mad dash. "I got here as soon as I could! Why are y'all just sitting around for? We gotta put this thing out!"

"Nope. I made this and I'll wait for it to die. But we're not killing it. It's harmless," I said.

"Pinkie Pie said there was a fire. I didn't know it was just a silly bonfire! That girl done scared me for nothing!"

"You know how she is. She didn't mean any harm by it, I'm sure," I said. "Feel free to join the circle." I waved my arm to show I didn't care where. That's when she noticed the others.

"Applebloom, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Navarone said I could help! We're trying to get firefighting cutie marks!"

"Uh huh. Well, just so long as you're careful." With that, Applejack went to sit next to her sister, and tried chatting with the others. I just went back to watching the fire licking at the wood.

Rainbow Dash was the next to show up. Her arrival was… less than spectacular, crashing in the growing darkness nearby. Applejack went to make sure she was okay, and they both came laughing. "Navarone," Rainbow Dash said, "your fire is screwing with the winds up there! I can hardly control myself!"

I answered, "Thermals are a bitch. Welcome to the… party, if you're listening to Pinkie Pie."

"And if you're not listening to Pinkie Pie?" Twilight asked, coming out of the darkness with Spike in tow.

"Then it's just a fire," I said, noting the marshmallow pack in Spike's hands. "You know," I said to him, "this fire might have been easier to set if you had been around." _And it might have ended up with a log atop Celestia's head_, I thought with a smile.

"Then you should have invited me sooner," he said, as he and Twilight joined the circle.

I just shrugged, and bent my gaze back into the flames.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were handing out sticks for the marshmallows when Pinkie Pie came skipping back. I found myself softly singing, and forced myself to stop. At least one of the ponies noticed, but didn't say anything.

Everyone looked to Pinkie Pie to start the… festivities, I guess, but she surprised them all when she turned to me and said, "So, Navarone, what did you have planned?"

"It's your show now, girl. Don't try to pin this on me. I set the fire. You made a party out of it."

She gave me an exasperated look that said, _You should know better by now_. I would have brought up 'never have I ever,' but it wouldn't exactly be fair, as none of them but Spike had any fingers and we didn't have any alcohol.

Pinkie Pie tried for a little bit longer to get the group into something, but my mood seemed to have spread about. Aside from Pinkie Pies indignant mutterings, silence reigned.

I… can't put into words how it made me feel, seeing them all there. They came because Pinkie Pie invited them, and they stayed just for the pleasure of each other's company. And I was a part of them, now, even if I pretended to not to believe it. I had been on a roller coaster ride of forced snap decisions with life altering consequences, right after almost dying, but I was finally among true friends.

I was tempted to tell them the truth of what happened with Luna at that time, but I knew Celestia would be somewhat pissed if I let the truth out. Silence reigned, aside from the gentle popping of the fire, and one by one, the ponies fell asleep next to each other. Spike and the fillies were out first, of course. Pinkie Pie, despite her fervent aspirations to stay up and see 'what the big deal with the fire was,' was the next out. Fluttershy, still tired from the exhaustions of the trip, soon joined them in sleep. Rainbow Dash and Applejack didn't last much longer, both nodding off at almost the same time. Rarity, despite trying the hardest to stay awake, was the next to fall; she didn't want to 'ruin her hair' sleeping on the ground, but you can only fight for so long.

Soon enough, it was just me and Twilight left fighting back our demons.

"So, Navarone, what's the _real _reason behind this?" she whispered to me.

"It is… a balefire," I whispered to her.

"Who died?"

"Not who, but what. I love you all, but some things I must suffer alone."

I could tell she formed a thousand suspicions about that, but didn't voice any of them. "You know we're always here for you," is all she said, before drifting off to sleep with the rest of them.

I spent the rest of the night in silence, just staring into the fire and thinking.

I was stolen from my reverie sometime after the sun had risen by a loud shriek, followed by loud wailings about ruined hair and bugs and dirt and various other inanities. Rarity, it appeared, had awoken, bringing the rest of the ponies with her. The mood I had cultivated in the night was shattered in an instant, and the ponies were ripped from the world I had created for them and thrown suddenly back into their own.

The poor fire was down to smoldering embers. A small flame gently licked up a few of the longer lasting logs every now and then, but for the most part a dull red gleam was all that remained of the tempest of flame that had ruled the night before.

The little ones were dismayed at this, of course, having lost the chance to get a true firefighting cutie mark out of it. In truth, however, I never would have let them near the fire while it was still blazing.

Rarity didn't take long to calm down; apparently she was just surprised at her odd sleeping location, and woke up not realizing where she was.

Pinkie Pie was asking Fluttershy what she missed when she slept, and if any of us ever ended up having fun. Fluttershy, for her part, didn't know how to answer the fun part of the question, and I couldn't have helped her.

Applejack and Twilight were asking Rainbow Dash more about the trip to Canterlot, and were trying to get more details about why we were back so early and why Zecora was needed. Rainbow Dash was exaggerating the story with the moth monster that she didn't even see, making herself out to be the heroine that was saving me from the jaws—or, I guess, mandibles—of doom. The other two were looking at each other askance and trying not to laugh.

Spike and I just stared into the remnant of the blaze.

"Feel any better?" he asked me.

"Immeasurably so. This has been… an enlightening few days."

"Was your talk with Princess Celestia really that bad?"

"Not just that, no. I looked death in the eyes more times in the last few days than I have in any given year of my life. And I have learned some interesting things in that time, about myself and about others. And I finally know, for sure, that I am no longer alone."

"You never were," Twilight said, approaching us. Rainbow Dash's tale was over, and the ponies were breaking up and heading for their respective homes. "Let's put this fire out and go home."

The next month was spent fixing my sleep schedule. I was tired of letting the dreams screw with me, so I decided to just tell them to fuck off. I could deal with most of them anyway: tantalizing images of home, of family I left behind, of friends I'll never see again. I have a new home now, and new friends. We can only dwell on the past for so long.

And while I can't prove I didn't still wake up dreaming about a girl, you can shut the fuck up. I was basically promised now, and it wouldn't do for my… beloved… to find I was still harboring memories for another.

Yeah, that month was hell. I don't know if you've ever tried to force yourself onto a new sleep schedule, but it is not amusing. I don't remember much from it, but I'm pretty sure nothing that important happened.


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven—Twilight's challenge

Not too long after that month, though, I was called on by Twilight for a favor.

I was feeling, put simply, amazing. A forced vegetarian diet for several months, along with more walks than I ever got back home and finally a sleep schedule worth praising, did wonders for my health. At nineteen, I was finally feeling truly at the peak of my life.

But as I said, Twilight asked me for a favor: "I have been… _called out_," she said distastefully. "Some upstart unicorn that came into town a few months before you arrived got a poor showing here, and I showed her up rather badly on accident. She fled, and has apparently spent the last several months learning new spells in order to take me on in a magical contest."

"So, you want me to take this bitch out?" I asked, patting my pocket with the knife.

"No, no. I just want you to help me trounce her worse than she ever has been, hard enough to make sure she never tries anything like this again."

"Psh. Boring. But whatever. I don't know why you need me, though."

"The rules of her little contest specify that we can only use things that we have magicked or enchanted. I can see an easy loophole in there that means I can use you, since I summoned you here."

"And you really think she doesn't know I'm here, or that you'll try to use me? Seems to me that if I was going to challenge someone that beat me before, I'd make sure to know all their tricks."

"She might, but what can she really do to counter you? Also included in her contest rules is that no pony is to be hurt."

"Yeah, there's your problem right there. No _pony _is to be hurt."

"I'm sure even Trixie isn't evil enough to hurt another sentient being on purpose."

"I hope you're right, lass. It's my life on the line here." _And yours, if Luna finds out I got killed because of this._

"Of course, I won't let you go into it without every protection I can give you. I also won't let you go into it looking like… that. It was okay for the rodeo, but this is MY reputation."

"What's wrong with the way I look?" I asked. My beard, that I mentioned at the beginning, was ragged as fuck, and my hair was really starting to become a bit like a jewfro. My hair, you see, is really, really curly, and when it grows long it grows _out_, not down. I'm not much a fan of it, personally, but I don't see why it mattered for Twilight. And my shoes were definitely starting to get worn.

She pointed to a body length mirror and said, "Look there and you'll see the problem." _Ouch_.

"And I simply can't let you go wearing that. Do you still have that costume Rarity made you for the competition?"

"I'm never wearing that again. I don't care if it's half made of diamonds and probably the best armor in the world. I am not putting that on."

"Would it help if I said please?"

"I'm telling you, I'm not putting that on."

"Pleeeeeease?" She even tried batting her eyelashes.

Long story short, I didn't wear the outfit. I said I wouldn't, and I meant it.

With that out of the way, "So what do you propose to do about the rest of my… problematic appearance?" I asked.

"We do have a barber here, and I suppose he can figure out how to cut that ragged thing on your face off. Your mane, I'll leave up to you: You can either straighten it or shorten it."_ Not even married yet and I'm already being told how to dress_.

"Mane? That's called hair. But whatever. I'll probably just have it straightened. The beard… Well, it does get hot. Since you asked so _kindly_, I'll do as you ask." I didn't tell her I would put my hair in the style called a pony tail, because she probably give me one of _those _looks and tell me to stop being stupid.

So she took me to the barber. I shit you not, the entire shop was set up like you'd expect in a show coming out of the 1950's. Even the barber looked like he belonged in one of those shows, being black and white himself. It was… disconcerting.

"Oh, hello Ms. Twilight. How can I help you today?" he asked.

"Hello, Mr. Thompson. Navarone here needs a shave. And if you can, he also needs his… hair… straightened."

"I don't know about dealing with hair, but if you mean that mop on the top of his head, I can straighten it out right quick. Getting rid of that stuff on his face might take a bit longer."

"Like I have a bloody choice in the matter. Whatever, Mr. Barber-man. Tell me where to sit so we can begin this farce."

When he pulled out the sheep shears I almost said fuck it. With a pitying look at me, though, he replaced them with a razor. How he was able to hold it with his hooves, though, I don't know, and I saw him do it. This world, man, it doesn't make sense sometimes. Anyway, he removed the scraggle from my face, and it instantly felt twenty degrees cooler in the room.

His method for straightening my hair definitely made sure I was awake and it made Twilight giggle: He dunked my head into a sink full of really, really cold water, and then pulled it all back and put it into what I call a pony tail and what they apparently call normal.

It was not amusing.

"Well, that was amusing," Twilight said as we were leaving. The barber was smiling at our backs as we walked away, my hair still dripping.

"If I had known you found getting dunked in cold water amusing, I would have found better ways to wake you up in the past."

"I don't think it would be too amusing if it happened to me, I mean. But it's funny when it happens to you."

"Of course."

Pinkie Pie just happened to be waltzing by at that moment. And I do mean waltzing: It looked like she was bloody dancing past. Knowing her, I wouldn't be too surprised if she was. When she saw me she stopped, and exclaimed, "Navarone! What happened to your head? It… shrank!" Several nearby ponies turned at her outburst, but seeing it was just Pinkie Pie, they shook their heads and went on.

"Twilight here seems to think we're married, and can dictate how I dress and style myself. I gave her the pleasure of saying yes once, and now she's making me fight to earn her favor."

"Yeah, that does sound about right for Twilight…" Pinkie Pie said."Give her an inch, and suddenly she demands you dispose of everypony in the room and hide their bodies in the pitch black night…" Sometimes I really, really wonder about Pinkie Pie.

"I'm standing right here, you know!" Twilight said.

"Yeah, I know. We were just in the barber shop together, remember?" I said.

"Yeah, Twilight, we're not _blind_," Pinkie Pie said.

Faced by a dual front of immaturity, Twilight just gave up.

Seeing an opportunity to perhaps cause Twilight more embarrassment, I asked, "So, Pinkie, do you waltz? I saw you dancing by, and that's what it looked like to me."

"YOU KNOW ABOUT WALTZING!" she yelled while grabbing me hurriedly and shaking me for emphasis. "None of the ponies here had ever heard about it before! I can't believe it took a human to finally find me a partner! Why didn't you ever mention it before?" Her tirade complete, she just looked at me with her large blue eyes, practically daring me to say something contrary.

"Well…" I started. Her eyes suddenly got more intensive and her grip got considerably tighter. "I was never very good at it, and it has been years since I actually did it last." Her grip was actually starting to hurt now, and I was wondering how the hell she was doing that with no fingers. "Uh, Pinkie Pie?"

Just as suddenly, she released me, smiled, stepped back, and said "I'll reteach you soon!" With that, she bounced off. I found myself fearing for my life again, and looked at Twilight imploringly.

"Don't look at me; you did this one to yourself." Damn her for being right.

"So when is this little show down of yours set to happen? And… where, I guess?"

"The when is three days. We leave tomorrow. The where… well, let's just say there's more than one reason I'm bringing you along. It's to be in an abandoned castle a day's walk away. She told me to come alone, but I don't guess you count, since you're one of the things I magicked. I would bring Spike, since I technically magicked him to life as well, but I don't think he'd be very useful in something like this."

My mind picked the words 'abandoned castle' out instantly. "You realize, of course, that this is a trap."

"Yes, I do. But I let all my friends know I'm going and when to expect me back. And, as I said, I'm bringing you with me. And don't think we're not going to be more prepared than you know. I remember you mentioning and describing to me how a weapon in your world worked, something called a crossbow. I had one made, as well as fifty bolts. It's a small thing, but it should be enough of a surprise against her if she tries to pull anything. I, of course, can't use it, but you can."

"Oh, hell yes. I've wanted to get my hands on one of those for years! How did you know how to make it, though? And… when did you make it? Didn't you only hear about this, like, yesterday?"

"I had it made a month ago, as soon as I realized you really were trustworthy and weren't about to kill us all as soon as you had the chance. I was just saving it for an emergency. And it wasn't really that difficult to make, but I think you'll find it's probably primitive compared to anything like it in your world. We are not so practiced at making weapons…"

"If it shoots straight and doesn't kick like a bull, I don't care. And I'm really glad to see you finally trust me. I'll be sure not to use it on someone unless they really deserve it."

"To you, deserving it might mean them looking at you funny."

"That's deserving it, not _really _deserving it. Big difference."

"Oh, and it's _not _to be used against Trixie unless she actually starts becoming dangerous."

"Just take all the fun out of it… Fine."

When she did show it to me, I found myself somewhat disappointed. It was a pain to crank back and the aim was a bit off. If she had showed it to me a week before I could have learned how to shoot it, but as it was I would be able to use it to ward off any far away threats and hope they were dead before they got within knife range, and then actually knife them if they weren't.

She also pulled out two brown cloaks, one for her and one for me. I started to feel a bit like Van Hellsing. I'm honestly not sure why she wanted us to go cloaked, but this was her show and I was just following the lead.

Rarity couldn't make me shoes before we left, but promised a pair to be done by the time we got back. So I just went with what I had and hoped they wouldn't fall apart across the terrain we had to cover. If I learned anything from my time here, it's that we make some really shoddy shoes back on Earth.

Anyway, the night passed and we left early in the morning. Applebloom saw us walking through the fields and asked if she could get the gang together to see if they could earn their spectator cutie marks, but we gently rebuked her and continued on our way.

I did make a request to stop off at Applejack's barn to pick something up, just in case. Twilight was curious, but I didn't offer any information so she dropped it.

"So," I asked a few hours later, "what does a magic competition usually involve?"

"Normally, they don't happen. And normally I wouldn't agree to participate in one. But… well, let's just say that she put forward a good argument as to why I should. But to actually answer your question, on the rare occasions they do happen, a certain number of bouts are staged, and whoever wins most of them wins. Basic rules are that anything goes, but she knew I wouldn't accept that so she added that nothing can be done to harm the other contestant. And since I'm pretty sure it's a trap and she won't hold by that, we're going in there protected by as many charms as I can cast."

"That's comforting, I suppose. What if it's not actually a trap, and you tire yourself out casting protection spells?"

"You haven't met Trixie. This is a trap."

"Your conviction inspires confidence. So you know it's a trap. What's the plan?"

"You're my trump card. She probably won't know what to make of you, and that'll put her off guard. If you can get close enough to her and get on her back, we pretty much have her beaten."

"So my job in this is to get in another rodeo match. As if the last one didn't go bad enough…"

"Think about it this way: If she really pisses you off, you have a knife, you're on her back, and we'd be in the middle of nowhere. If I think it's justified, I won't say a word."

"I refuse to believe you're condoning murder."

"Not murder, but self defense. I'm sure it won't come to that, though. We're both pretty good at thinking on our feet."

_Says the girl that once ordered an exact replica of Ponyville built in less than five minutes…_ "I'm sure."

Let me tell you, that was a cold, cold night, sleeping on the ground, outside, without a beard. I was tempted to bury my face in Twilight's mane and dare her to say anything, but I didn't figure she would much like that.

The next morning, we continued on our way, and finally saw the castle looming on the horizon. We ducked behind a little hill to plan our next move.

"You're sure this is a trap?" I asked.

"Absolutely."

"Alright, my money is on two portcullises dropping as soon as we get inside the gate, trapping us between them. Can you cast an illusion of us and make us invisible? We can go before the illusion and have them follow us in, so that she thinks she has us trapped when in actuality we're inside the castle."

"Why don't we just cast the illusion, see if what you say is true, and then leave if it is?"

"Didn't you say she had a good reason to get you out here? I figure, we walked this far, we might as well see this through."

She blushed slightly at the mention of her reason, and that really got me wondering, but I didn't say anything. She agreed to the plan, and we proceeded on our way to the meeting invisible, followed by two doppelgangers.

To no one's surprise, the gates did crash down with our fakes caught between them. We heard laughter from one of the halls, and decided to watch and see rather than investigate. After all, maybe she was just pulling a prank?

Yeah, she totally wasn't. Who knew? Anyway, she came out, dressed in a ridiculous starred pointy hat and a purple cape, and started on a long and dreadfully boring monologue about how Twilight Sparkle had ruined this and that. She didn't look too surprised to see my illusion. It finally did get interesting, though, when she said this:

"I even almost managed to kill your stupid pet back at some competition a month ago! It took me the entire competition to build up the strength to cast that spell, and even then he still managed to escape! Well, neither of you will escape this time!"

"Yeah, this has gone on long enough," I said aloud, causing a very startled Trixie to turn around in shock.

She quickly recovered, though, and before I could vault at her, she disappeared. I snapped my fingers rather viciously.

"Well, I missed my chance. I suppose we should now begin this bloody dance." Twilight just shook her head and opened her mouth to say something.

She was interrupted by a disembodied voice: "You thought to trick the GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie, did you? You'll not beat me so easily!"

"Wait, why didn't we just teleport here? Surely you know how to do that!" I said.

"First, we can't teleport long distances, or somewhere we've never been before. Second, now's not a good time."

Indeed, it wasn't. Ropes were starting to come at us in many directions, and I was suddenly very glad I wasn't a Japanese schoolgirl.

I took a bottle out of my cloak that I was suddenly very glad I had liberated from Applejack and took a swig, then pulled out my lighter and hoped to God that I knew what I was doing.

I took a long swig of the booze, almost gagging at the terrible taste, and flicked my lighter. I spit fire at the ropes.

Ropes don't burn very well, as I soon found out. Oh, you can light them on fire, but they don't burn that quickly, at least not with that little amount of fire.

So instead of being attacked my regular magic rope, I was being attacked by burning magic rope. I heard laughter in the air around me.

Twilight saw my plight and just swatted the ropes out of their air before they did much to me, other than smack me around a small bit.

To put it bluntly, though, the entire process hurt like a bitch, and if I still had my beard I would have lost most of it. The good news is that, despite my first degree facial burns, most of the ropes had been destroyed by either the small amount of fire made or by Twilight knocking them away. Twilight killed the rest of them while I did everything I could to ease the burning.

"What did you do?" she asked.

"I twied someting I only ewa saw on TV, using someting I bowowed fwom Applejack." I had honestly expected to use it in a more medicinal sense, in the off chance that I got cut and Twilight was too busy. I put it to a better 'medicinal use' by drinking some of it. "Remind me to never do that again," I said, feeling a bit better.

Clouds were suddenly gathering over the castle, and Twilight motioned us to go inside. I thought the rain might feel good against my burnt lips, but I knew better than to argue. We had just gotten the doors shut behind us when a huge bolt of lightning shot down and exploded against the ground we had just vacated. "Holy shit, this bitch is playing for keeps!" I shouted over the ringing in my ears. Twilight didn't answer, and was instead looking at the room we had entered.

_See, this is another case when I would love to be a smoker_. I honestly did not know what to make of this room. It was… indescribable, in a bad way.

"Well," I said, thinking back to Celestia's words about sacrifices and power, "we know how Trixie got more powerful. And we know that she is not to escape." Yeah, I'm not going to write what we saw in there. I will say that we later torched the building, and that Twilight still occasionally wakes up in cold sweat about seeing it.

Twilight got very scary after seeing that room. Her eyes started glowing very, very brightly and the storm completely disappeared. Yeah, I could tell then that it was _on_.

And God, was it. We stuck together, with her dealing with the magic threats and most of the mundane ones before I could even react. It was not a pretty sight we left behind us, and the castle—well on its way to being decrepit anyway—was completely unlivable after we passed through its corridors.

We had to go through all manner of creatures wandering the halls. Snakes were the most common, though we ran into rabid rats and even a raccoon once, though I'm not certain it was actually our enemy; at that point we were just killing anything that moved and wasn't one of us. I dealt with a few of the snakes by taunting them with the cloak and getting them to attack it, then cutting off their heads with my knife. I stepped on the rats. I got lucky and shot the raccoon with the crossbow, but I had to finish it off by breaking its neck.

The magical dangers were worse, but most of them didn't even fully manifest before a very, very angry Twilight dissipated them. One of the rooms we went to was somehow full of water, and I was knocked on my ass as it rushed out. For some reason, there were piranhas in the water, as though Trixie didn't know that piranhas almost never actually attacked people, especially not when they're rushing past you faster than you could even register them in a flood of water.

When we finally got to the throne room of the castle, we discovered Trixie yet again. She wasn't laughing anymore, and seemed to be doing her best to just stay alive against Twilight's onslaught. I had reloaded the crossbow and readied my aim, when a lot of things happened all at once.

First, I shot. Trixie was in the middle of casting a spell when my bolt hit her right on the horn, shattering both the bolt and the horn. Second, right after I shot and destroyed Trixie's horn, the spell she was casting just exploded everywhere, and tendrils of magic shot out of the horn, encompassing the room in a brilliant glow of constantly shifting colors. Third, most of the castle roof collapsed under the strain of centuries of rot and the insane magical duels that had been going on and landed on us all, knocking at least me the hell out. Unmanaged magic from Twilight's horn shot everywhere before the flow completely cut off. Fourth, and finally, there was stillness. We had all been knocked completely unconscious from the outburst of magic from Twilight losing concentration and Trixie losing her horn. And, for the record, I was aiming for Trixie's heart, not that I really expected her to have one anymore.

A note from your friend Discord

I figure I should probably put what _really _happened with Trixie in here.

As soon as I was 'accepted' by enough of the ponies in Ponyville to be allowed to go outside often in my human form, I began taking walks. Sometimes I was gone for hours. Some of these were legitimate walks, just me thinking over the millennia in peace.

Sometimes, I ghosted around this world, looking through minds. I was doing this one day when I found poor, sweet Trixie lost in her mind, tortured by her actions and betrayed by her peers. Or so it looked to her mind, at least. The truth of that matter is a little bit different: She was a braggart with nowhere near the power she pretended to have. She finally got upstaged by Twilight, and her performances were all downhill from there. She tried to learn proper unicorn magic, only to have most of her efforts fail due to lack of patience. She wanted power and fame, not magic.

As soon as I realized this, I sought her out.

I found her first when she was alone, on the side of the road. It was raining heavily, and she had nothing—no shelter, no money, no friends… The poor mare was soaked, freezing. I gently picked her up and brought her through the shadows to a bolt hole I prepared long, long ago.

As soon as we got inside, I set her on a bed that had not been there before and snapped my fingers. Immediately she awoke, fully alert and completely dry. When she opened her eyes I disappeared, and the entire safe haven transformed around her.

"Where… where am I?" she whispered. To her eyes she was in a well-lit one-room home, modestly furnished and rather homey. Her bed was warm and comfortable, well-used. An unlit fireplace stood against the wall, with a cooking spit over where the flames would stand. The window showed sunlight peaking through, with trees right outside. A letter was on the foot of her bed.

Hesitantly, she picked it up. The letter was my test, to see if she could truly be made mine. "Had to step out. Be back in a few hours. If you wake up, the door is unlocked if you choose to leave. There is a town a few miles down the road. – Your friend."

If she chose to leave, I would let her go back to her life of misery and loneliness. If she chose to leave, I would find someone different.

I gave her half an hour. She got up and put a hoof on the door twice. Both times she stopped herself. She was looking out the back window—seeing rolling plains ending in a forest—when I knocked on the door.

She hesitated, looking back and forth between the door and the window. I gently pushed the door open with my new hoof. For this little ploy, I had turned myself into a white pegasus stallion. A very, very handsome white pegasus stallion.

She saw me and froze. "Oh, you're awake!" I said, entering and closing the door behind me. "I was starting to think you would never get up." She was still silent. I furrowed my eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

She suddenly blinked, and nodded. "Yes, I am. Much better now, thank you." She's mine. Her normal personality is boisterous and crude to others she considers beneath her. She speaks in third person and whatnot. "What happened? I don't remember…"

"There was a terrible storm a few days ago. We get some unexpected storms out here coming out of the Everfree forest. I was one of the pegasi on duty that day fighting it when I saw you down below. You were barely breathing, and we were so far from town… I brought you here. It isn't much, but I've had a few friends that know a bit about healing come by to make sure you were healthy enough."

As soon as I mentioned it, I saw her mouth _'Everfree forest?'_ "Where exactly am I? I don't remember being so far west!"

"We're a few miles outside of Hoofington," I said, walking up to the fireplace. "Bah! Forgot the bloody flint again…" I looked over to her, and then up to her horn. "I don't suppose you could…"

She blushed slightly and summoned a small cloud of lightning over the logs. With a flash that left me blinking, the fire was lit.

I shook my head to clear it. "Thanks, but you don't have to show off for me."

She blushed deeper. "Sorry. I'm a magician, you see… Showing off is my job!" I could see it in her mind. She isn't usually this humble. Nor does she usually talk like this. That storm absolutely terrified her. If she wasn't so certain that I had saved her life, she would have left as soon as she woke up. And if I wasn't so handsome, she would have greeted me by demanding I be humbled to be in the 'presence of the great and powerful Trixie.'

I smiled at her, "I knew it had to be something to do with magic." Her cutie mark was a flashing wand. "I always like seeing magic being used, myself; I would trade these wings for a horn in an instant," I said, fluttering them slightly.

"You would give up the freedom of air so easily?"

"It is hardly giving it up," I commented, pouring water in from the tank outside through the window and into a pot. "I have seen magic create wings in the past. Nothing overly strong, and they were very flashy, but they worked."

Her mind flinched a bit at that. She thought I was expecting her to be able to do such feats.

I continued, "Of course, I know magic like that is incredibly hard to do. I don't know if I would have the discipline to be able to pull off such feats. Not like my talent would have anything to do with magic, like yours."

I saw her jerk back in my peripheral vision while I started dropping some vegetables into the pot, and continued talking, "I do have a good friend that lives near me, though, that knows a lot of magic. She is old and eccentric, but I've heard it said that Princess Celestia herself sometimes comes to visit her, since her knowledge is so vast. As many chores as I've done for her, she surely owes me something by now, even if it is just a bit of teaching."

I picked the pot up in my mouth for all of a second before it thumped back down to the table. "Gah! I'm so bloody forgetful… Too hard to move the pot _after _I fill it! I don't suppose you could help me out again?" I asked, finally looking at her.

She blinked, and used her magic to put the pot over the fire. "So… how long have I been asleep?"

"Assuming you passed out during the storm, three days or so. My unicorn friend offered to do some manner of healing magic over you, but mentioned there might be some manner of price involved in your body. I wasn't going to let her do anything that might hurt you."

"Thank you… What's your name?"

I blinked. "Forgot to tell you that too? My name is Regal, friend. I'm the royal guard assigned to these parts, watching the forest for anything that might come out. It's a pretty slow job, thankfully."

"And lonely," she said, looking out the window again.

I bent back over the stew, stirring it with a wooden spoon. "Yeah, it is. I sometimes go for weeks without seeing anypony. It's a job somepony has to do, though. Might as well be me, who has no real family anyway. You know, you never did tell me your name." I turned back to find her staring at me.

"Trixie," she said. "Officially, it's The Great and Powerful Trixie, but after all you've gone through Trixie is fine."

"Well Trixie, it's nice to meet you. You're welcome here for as long as you want to stay."

"I wouldn't want to intrude! There's only one bed, and you surely can't have too much food stockpiled around here!"

I waved my hoof. "I'm used to roughing it; I have a pretty large patrol area and I occasionally have to sleep outside. I don't mind sleeping on the floor. And I grow most of my own food, so my royal pay usually ends up being either donated or used on gifts. I could use some of that to buy food, if I needed to. I could even bring my friend by! I'm sure she would love discussing magic with somepony who is actually born into it; she gets lonely, and is always looking for somepony to teach or talk with." I gave it a beat. "Not that you need teaching, I mean! It's just, she knows so much!"

She smiled, "I know what you mean, Regal. I would love to meet her, if y—" There was suddenly a massive crashing sound heard from a few miles away. I shot to the window showing the forest.

"Hydra!" I opened a chest in front of the bed and started throwing on my armor. "Stay here! It won't be here for another few minutes, and I have to evacuate my friend. I'll send her here. Between the two of you, you can keep the thing from the town while I slow it down." I didn't give her a chance to argue, as I knew she would have, and burst out the door. I also knew she would stay there; I had given her several things she wanted, and had promised or hinted at more.

I waited a few minutes, to let her stew. She stared out the window the entire time. It was quite a shock to her when a very, very old looking mare put a hoof on her shoulder. "Come away from the window, child. Regal will stop the hydra easily enough."

Trixie jumped. "How did you… Where did you…" She turned to get a better look at me. I was a large mare, old and wrinkled. My horn was much larger than the average unicorn's, and my back held two massive scars that looked as though something had been ripped away long ago. My face bore a gentle smile.

"You shouldn't expect a pony as old as I am to walk everywhere, dear. If I thought Regal would let me, I would have taken care of that hydra in an instant, but I suppose you know how he worries." I moved over to the stew and started stirring it a bit with some chaos magic, making sure my horn was also glowing. "Though you might not; he said he didn't actually know you when he brought you here. So, what brings you around these parts?"

"Oh, I'm just a traveling magician. Regal certainly seems to think I have more magic than I do, though…"

"Oh, he thinks the same of most unicorns. He always had a fondness for all things magical… That's probably what made him sign up for the royal guard." I tapped the spoon against the lid and sat on the bed. "He was heartbroken when he was stationed out here, away from everypony. I know he gets so lonely… I keep him company when I can, but I'm often busy with something or another for the Princess as well."

"He mentioned you sometimes teaching unicorns…"

"Oh, I do, occasionally. I haven't had a student in a while, though. Celestia rarely finds anypony willing to travel all the way out here to learn from me; I suppose I've been forgotten over the years. I think it's been near fifty years or so since I last taught somepony. Celestia would like to keep me closer, but I've grown weary of the stuffiness of cities like Canterlot." I saw Trixie mouth _'Fifty years?'_ before I finished. I gave her a second, before looking her up and down. "Hm. You're a magician, you said. I know they don't learn all that much _real _magic. Plenty of tricks and a few useful spells, but nothing that powerful. If you agree to stay here for a little while and keep us both company, I think I could teach you quite a bit. Some of it is magic that no pony has used in centuries. Some of it is kept only for the princesses themselves."

"And you would just be willing to give this magic to me? All I have to do is stay here and learn it?"

"There might be a bit more to it than that, but basically yes. What I have to teach is hard, but there are a few ways of making it easier. Some of it isn't for the squeamish, either; there's a reason the princesses keep it to themselves."

"If you don't mind my asking, if they keep it to themselves then how do you know it?"

"Because I am friends with a powerful creature, older and stronger than both of the princesses combined. There is much he can do for the likes of us." Her eyes flicked to my back. "Do you know what an alicorn is, Trixie?"

"That's what the horn of a unicorn is made of, I think."

"Yes. But it is something else as well. An alicorn is a pony that has pegasus wings and a unicorn's horn. Celestia is an alicorn. Luna is an alicorn. I _was _an alicorn, long ago. My friend could make me whole again, if I but asked him. Would you like to meet him, Trixie?"

She was silent for a minute. She finally gave a slow, weak nod.

I smiled, and began to change. As I changed, so too did the room we were in. I slowly expanded, growing upwards into my true shape. The room we were in grew cold and tall, cave-like. When the change was finished, I smiled a toothy grin. Trixie stared on wide-eyed.

"Trixie," I purred. "I have been told a bit about you. Sit, sit!" I said, placing a sofa next to her. I summoned a throne for myself, and sat back. She just gaped. "You'll catch flies like that, my dear. Please, sit." Stiffly, she did so. "I'm sure you have a few questions."

"Where… where did she go?"

"She's waiting in Regal's cottage for you to return. For her, the wait will be instantaneous. When you have powers like mine, you can do all manner of things." I snapped my fingers, and a flower called Heart's Desire appeared in my hands. I casually stretched my arm farther than it should be able to go and put it behind her ear. She watched, wide-eyed. "Unlike our alicorn friend, though, I can see into your mind." She flinched. "I know your true heart's desires, Trixie. Revenge, fame, power. And behind all that, you want something more. Something… deeper. Friendship, perhaps? Or maybe love?" I waved my hand. "I can give you power. Through power you can obtain revenge and fame. I can give you power to rival that of Celestia herself. But I know you aren't ready for the sacrifice it would take, yet. I foresee that you will be, but you aren't yet."

"What kind of sacrifice would it take?" she whispered.

"Close your eyes," I said with a smile. She did, after a second. I leaned in close and gently pressed a finger against her head. She flinched, but made no other movements. I showed her ruling alongside me, dominating Equestria and the world. Her head bore a crumbled horn, gnarled and ghastly. Her body was changed, corrupted in some ways and beautified in others. Before us bowed Celestia, Luna, and Twilight, all in forms of obeisance. There were others around us, standing proud and victorious, but she didn't recognize them yet.

In the vision I turned to her and said, "What would you give to make this true, Trixie?"

She was staring at the princesses. Tears streaked Celestia's face, and Luna looked considerably older. Luna still had defiance in her gaze, but hid it behind a façade of sorrow. Twilight looked completely broken, faded away. Her mane was mostly grey, and her horn didn't reflect any light.

"…Anything…"

I smiled.

I left her under the supervision of Regal and the alicorn with no name—both of which were just me, of course. She learned much, and quickly. Learning is so much easier when you have magic as strong as mine supplementing your mind. In time she began to love Regal, which is exactly what I needed.

"I'm being reassigned," Regal told Trixie over dinner.

She dropped her spoon.

"To a little place called Ponyville. Apparently they get all manner of monster attacks there, for some reason. I'm supposed to guard some unicorn named Twilight Sparkle, or something like that. She's a student of the princess, and is often called into dangerous situations." I shrugged. "I just wanted to warn you. I know your studies are progressing well with our friend, and you wouldn't want to leave them behind, so you can keep the house; I built it myself so the princess has no hold over who lives here."

She felt sorrow, first, and then a great rage when she heard the name Twilight. Regal didn't know anything about Twilight, other than that he was supposed to be protecting her. "When are you leaving?" she asked in a very clipped voice.

"Tomorrow, sadly," I said. "I would have told you sooner, but the princess doesn't believe in giving advanced notices."

"Can't you ask to stay here a little while longer?" she asked in a tone that would have broken my heart if I still had one.

"Sadly, no. When the princess demands it, we jump. This border is quiet, anyway; there hasn't been an attack ever since that hydra. I'm sure you and our friend could keep anything at bay, anyway." She smiled weakly at the compliment. I tried to get her to laugh a few times, to no avail.

After we retired for the night, she whispered aloud, "Discord, we need to talk."

I immediately pulled her to me. "I want to hurt somepony," she told me. "Badly."

I smiled widely and began outlining plans.

A few months later, Twilight and Navarone confronted Trixie at the old castle. I had given Trixie many powers and many traps, but I made sure Twilight had more on her side. In the end, when Trixie failed, her horn was destroyed and I pulled her away from the castle, back to my lair.

She woke up weeping.

"What is wrong, my beautiful Trixie," I asked, looming over her.

"I failed!" she moaned. "So many preparations! So much power! And I still failed! And not only did I fail, I lost all of my magic forever! You lied to me, you monster!"

I let her finish her tirade, before gently picking her up and rocking her lightly in my arms. "No, Trixie, you did not fail. You did exactly what I needed you to do: Your sacrifice is complete, and you are ready." I stopped rocking her and held her up to look me eye to eye. "Do you still wish to serve me, knowing what our future will be when we win?"

She considered. A minute passed. I knew her answer for she finally said, "Yes, Discord. I will serve you, if it means Twilight will bow before me."

I let her go and she squeaked, expecting to fall. She hung suspended in the air. I reached across the world, into the castle where her battle was lost, and grabbed some of her broken horn. My eyes bored into hers with an intensity that caused her to sweat; she tried to force her eyes away from mine, but couldn't. "Die, Trixie," I intoned, "Daughter of Celestia." I brought my hand with the alicorn pieces in a great arc down upon her head, and impacted the spot where her horn had been with an explosive rumble.

Her eyes opened as wide as they could, turning completely black. A fierce white light shone from my hand, illuminating the dimly-lit cave. I held my hand against her head for a minute. When the ritual was complete, I tenderly removed my hand and arm. On her head stood a cracked, incomplete horn. It was broken, as was any of her connections to the pony race. "Die, daughter of Celestia. And rise, Trixie, Servant of Discord."

Her eyes slowly cleared of the blackness, returning to their original light purple, holding an intensity they lacked before. She slowly descended to the floor and looked up at me. "Master," she whispered, bowing her head. Her horn shifted slightly in its magic field, the pieces gently bouncing against each other as they hung above her.


	9. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight—Fuck. Everything.

I don't know how long I was out, but I'm pretty sure I was the first one awake.

And I woke up very, very pissed. Why, when I was alive and victorious?

I WAS A FUCKING PONY! Oh, I was going to beat somebody to death because of this. _Or rather_, I thought nastily,_ trample them to death_.

I don't know what the hell Trixie's spell was supposed to do, but it completely screwed everything up. Twilight, I saw—or at least, what I thought was Twilight—was now a human. A very cute, nerdy, _naked_ human. Somewhat disturbingly, she still had a horn. Her hair was the same color as her mane, which I thought was a nice touch. All of my clothes were completely destroyed, including my now worthless shoes. My cloak was fine, at least. And in case you were wondering, reader, I did not have a horn, but I did somehow have wings. So I wasn't turned into a pony, I guess, but rather a pegasus. And I swore that as soon as I got back to civilization and could get a letter to Celestia, that would change.

Of Trixie there was no sign. She was just completely gone. There were a few shards of unicorn horn left, but that was it.

I shakily stood on my new legs and tried walking around a bit. It wasn't _that_ hard, but it was a bit annoying, and I had to concentrate to not try to stand on just two. I also kept misjudging distances, since my eyes were in very different places. Once I got the hang of it, I tried prodding Twilight with one of my hooves. I looked over to where Trixie had been, but decided not to go looking for her.

I was about to prod Twilight again, when she suddenly stirred. When she tried to rub her head, she quickly opened her eyes and shouted. She leaned up and I swear to God, I tried not to look, but _damn_! I remembered that she wasn't wearing any clothes when she was transformed, aside from the cloak that was now too small for her. When I was able to drag my eyes away from a pleasant sight I hadn't seen in a good long while, I saw her eyes were purple.

She looked over at me and hesitantly asked, "Navarone?"

"Guilty as charged, sadly."

"What… what happened?"

I described what went down, her magic mixing with Trixie's broken spell. She slowly nodded when I finished my description.

"I… don't know what she was trying to cast, but I'm glad it didn't work. What happened to her?"

"I destroyed her horn with the crossbow. After that, she vanished."

"Vanished? Where could she have gone, with no horn?"

"Maybe her last spell was a teleport spell, and she escaped. She won't be much trouble, now, not without a horn. If I find her again, I'll be sure to kill her."

"Why would you kill her, now that she's beaten?"

"Would you want to live without magic, in prison, for the rest of your life?"

"Well, no. But with the other option being death? Maybe. I don't know…"

"I wouldn't. I don't like being held like that."

Twilight sighed. "I don't suppose she would, either. But we should ask Princess Celestia first. She might have something in mind."

I frowned. I preferred my version of justice rather than the manner of justice Celestia might give.

"We have to deal with this mess first, though," she continued. "We have a… a room of bodies, and who knows what else in this building."

My mind was still reeling at my sudden transformation. I felt stronger, for one, and I really felt like I could run a hell of a lot faster. I was a sleek white pegasus with a dark brown mane, fitting my looks as a human, I suppose.

"So, what the hell do we do?"

"Search the castle, and then we get back to Ponyville and write Princess Celestia a letter, and hope she can fix this. I still have my horn, so I can probably still do magic, but I have no idea how to fix… this!" She waved her arm over us, encompassing us both. Then she suddenly shivered. "Oh, this is so cold! No wonder you always wear clothes!" With that, she sadly covered herself with my old cloak.

I stood up and offered her a hoof to help her stand with. She looked at it and grabbed it, doing her best to stand on two legs. She was very wobbly, and held a hand on my back to steady herself as we walked to my ruined clothes. "Can you go through my pockets and grab everything?" I asked. "I would, but…" I sighed, looking at my hooves. Dammit, those were my only pair of jeans…

She did so, and frowned at some of what she pulled out. "Why are you still carrying these gloves? And why are they so heavy?" she asked.

"They're weighted, for one. That means I can do a hell of a lot more damage with them without anyone expecting me to be able to." I kept a commentary going as she pulled out more stuff. "That's a lighter. You saw me use it earlier with the ropes. That's my knife… Would have made that grisly bit of work a lot easier… That's a bottle of spirits from Applejack. Surprised it didn't break under me. Be careful with that; we might need it again."

When I explained that one to her, she looked at me oddly. "Spirits? This is the same stuff you gave Rainbow Dash?" At my nod, she eagerly opened the bottle and, before I could stop her, drained half the remained stuff before recoiling so badly I thought she was going to drop the bottle. "How on Equestria can you drink that stuff! It's absolutely disgusting!"

"Because," I said through a grimace, "by the time you drink as much as you just did you usually don't care about taste anymore. Close that thing up and don't waste any more! God, what came over you?"

"Rainbow Dash told me about the experiment, in exchange for enchanting something for her a while back." I snorted at that. "I always wondered, after that, what some of this stuff would be like. If it's anything like that, I don't know how you got Rainbow Dash to drink it!"

"Well, we used better distillation methods when we made it the first time. It tasted a lot better."

"Whatever. Is there anything else you want from this pile?"

"Grab the cloak. You can wear that instead and I can take yours. If we're going back to town, we're probably going to want to hide my blank flank." She nodded, removing the pony cloak from her back and throwing it on mine, and pulled my cloak from the floor. I did my best to not look at her while she was doing it.

"Anything else?" she finally asked.

"Is my belt any good?"

Turns out that somehow it was. I don't know how it didn't break like everything else, but Twilight looped it around her cloaked form and cinched it tight.

She gingerly picked up the crossbow and the quiver of bolts I had left. She looked at them oddly, and then hung them both over my neck. "I don't think I could use something like that if I wanted to," she whispered, then looked at the horn fragments "Well, I don't think I could use it anymore." She shuddered, then got a thoughtful look on her face. She reached down and scooped the horn fragments into her hands, and dropped them in a pocket in the cloak. "I've never been able to do any good experiments on alicorn," she said.

We supported each other as we searched through the rest of the castle. We didn't find anything worth looting or worth noting. "And now?" I asked.

"Now, we burn this place and leave." _Huh. It's not like Twilight to actually want to _burn_ something._ But then, I'm a pyromaniac, so what did I care?

So we did just that. Setting the fire took a while, because I had to point out to Twilight how to use the lighter, since she didn't trust magic right then. It was running dangerously low on fuel when we beat feet, which presented another set of problems entirely. The first, being that we forgot to raise the gate. That was easily fixed, though parts of the castle were sort of burning down: The gear was right next to the gatehouse, and it was large enough that I could push it even in my crappy pony body. I pushed it and she locked it in place and we were free.

Which led to the other problem: Twilight had no shoes. She suffered in silence for a minute before she stepped on a thorn in the grass. After that, she was riding on my back. She folded the cloak that I didn't really need into some manner of blanket or something to cushion some of the pain, but I knew she would still be feeling plenty on the long walk back.

"You know," I said, "this is going to be very awkward to explain to your friends. They're going to be laughing for quite a while after this."

"At me, maybe. They'll probably be too busy blushing at you to laugh."

"Don't even start. Celestia is going to turn us both back and that will be the end of that."

"Who knows? Maybe you'll find you like being a pegasus."

"I don't have thumbs! And I don't have any magic to use instead!"

"Thousands have gotten by before you without them. I don't see why you should be any different."

"Because I would know what I was missing. And what about you? Maybe you'll decide you like being a human."

"Is that a hint of a blush I see?"

"N—no!" I stammered. "This fur, it's just hot! I don't see how you ponies stand it."

"Riiight. And if I do… this?" I looked back and saw that she let the cloak drop a little. I turned beat red and stumbled, causing her to almost lose her balance. She just laughed.

"You're drunk!" I accused. "And let's see how you'd react to being in your prime as the only member of your species, when you suddenly found someone of the opposite sex there!"

"I'd like to think that I would handle it better than you are."

"Yeah, but he sure as hell wouldn't!" She laughed at that, too. I was tempted to 'accidentally' drop her.

A few hours later, she said, "We could just sneak in under cover of darkness and get Spike to send a letter to Celestia, and use threats of violence to keep him quiet."

"Nay," I said, and heard it come out very elongated, causing me to blush again. "_No_," I tried again, "we don't want to risk her taking too long to respond and having your friends rush off to your rescue. I don't want them to find what we left behind, just in case…" We both grimaced.

We made camp about halfway there. My back was unused to carrying the burden of a person, and her body was unused to riding, so it was a mutual agreement. I noticed that she had considerably less reservations than I about cuddling against me to keep warm, which I did my best to pretend to not notice, with decidedly mixed results. She was definitely drunk. Lightweight.

A few hours into the next day, she started testing her fingers out. "Twilight… What are you doing?" I asked as I felt her fingers in my… my _mane_.

"I just noticed how much I can feel with these things!" she merrily said, gently scratching the back of my head.

"Yeah, fingers have a lot of nerve receptors. Do your best not to hurt them, because any cuts there really hurt." Her fingers moved up to my ears and started scratching those. I lowered my head to try to get away from her questing fingers. "Stop it!"

She pulled her hands back. "Does that hurt?" she asked.

"No, it feels good," I said, bringing my head back up. Her hands went right back to my ears, scratching them gently. "Quit it!"

"Why, if it feels good?" she coyly asked.

"Because… I don't like it." I finally managed to say.

"You don't like things that feel good?" she asked, not stopping.

"It's demeaning!"

"It's just me and you here, Nav. No pony's judging you."

"If I knew how to use this body I would buck you off right now." I settled for lowering my head as far as I could. I felt my ears flatten against my head somehow.

She just leaned over and continued. "You're just giving me more surface area to work with, Nav," she giggled.

"I don't like being touched, dammit!" I finally yelled. "And if you don't knock it off you can walk the rest of the way back!"

She finally relented, pulling her hands back. "You don't like being touched?" she asked. "Why not?"

"I could explain why, but you wouldn't believe me. So I'm just going to say this: I will never, ever tell you."

"But… I'm sitting on you right now. Doesn't that bother you?"

"Not really. It's just like wearing a backpack."

"Why didn't you mention this before? I know some of us have touched you in the past."

"They were fleeting touches, nothing lasting. And none of you have ever had fingers until now. Usually it's just something I deal with or get the other person to stop on my own. You're the only person I've ever told, and the only reason I told you is because there's not much I can really do to stop you." I sighed. "And now Pinkie is going to be touching me every time she sees me. Fuck."

"The only way they'll know is if I tell them. And why would I do that?"

"I don't know why you would. I just know that you probably will. At least when I'm a human again I can stop her."

"After so long you still trust me so little?" She sounded hurt. "I can keep a secret, Nav!"

"Yeah. You _can._ But will you? I suppose time will tell."

We walked in silence for a few minutes. Finally she spoke up, "You know, the best way to get rid of a phobia is to confront it." She gently put her hands on the sides of my neck.

"I don't want to get rid of it. Take your hands off of me."

"Hmm… How about this: You tell me why you're afraid of being touched and I'll stop."

"How about this instead: You take your hands off me and you can continue riding on me."

"I just want to understand! I thought humans encouraged understanding everything!"

"And sometimes people just need their privacy. Drop it. And your hands, while you're at it."

"Ugh! Why are you so difficult, Nav?"

We walked in silence for a bit longer. "I don't think you would make me walk," she finally said. "You know what it's like walking barefoot far more than I do. And if you've already carried me this far, I think you sympathize enough to carry me the rest of the way. Especially if either way I can touch you."

"You know I don't like being touched. You know this, because I told you. And yet you still seem so adamant about touching me. Why is that?"

She was silent for a little while. "You're… You feel nice," she finally answered.

"Well, save it until we get to Ponyville. You can pet Pinkie all day; her fluffy hair is really soft."

She decided to try a different tactic. "How do you ever plan on getting a special somepony if you are afraid of being touched?"

"Uh… I don't?"

"What?" I think she was surprised at my answer.

"Twilight, I thought we had been over this. The thought of sex with a pony almost makes me sick. I might be able to fall in love with one, but taking it further would be difficult, and I think I would be hard-pressed to find a chick that doesn't want any sex at all." Well, that and I already had someone lined up for me. If Luna ever wanted to… _consummate_ her 'love' for me, things might be awkward fast. Even more awkward, that is.

"Oh, right! The whole bestiality thing. You know we're not animals, right?"

"We've had this conversation before, Twilight. My position hasn't changed." Though to be quite honest, I knew it very well might in the future. After so long… Well, there's no telling what might happen to my mind.

She sighed. We walked in silence for a bit longer. After a while she let out a frustrated groan. "I just got these fingers, Nav! Everything feels so wonderful! Can I _please_ just stroke you?" I felt myself stiffen a bit at that before I realized what she meant.

I growled lightly but stopped after a moment. "If you stop when I tell you to stop, okay." _I'm going to regret this._

She giggled with glee and began toying with my hair again. I dealt with it as well as I could. Then her hands moved down to the sides of my neck. And then under my neck. One of her hands went to scratch me under the chin while the other reached lower.

I don't know what she was doing, but my mind felt clouded when her hand started scratching my chin. I didn't notice where her other hand was until I felt her somehow rubbing my belly. I stiffened up immediately. "Enough!" I told her. She kept going. "Twilight, stop it!" Nothing. I pulled my head back and bit the hand that was scratching my chin.

She yelped and ripped her hands back. I noticed then that I had actually stopped walking. _Note to self: My chin is my weak point._ I started back up again. "Nav…" Twilight said.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said.

"I'm sorry! I'm just not used to these sensations!"

"You aren't going to get used to them on me. You probably won't have time to at all. Once Celestia gets to us we can turn back. Thank God, too; being a pony sucks."

"But you haven't even experienced any of it yet!"

"Nor do I really want to. I know you know how odd it feels for you, being a human when used to a pony body. I feel entirely _wrong_ like this."

"Well… You got that right. But don't you want to fly?"

"Ever since I fell from Cloudsdale I've been afraid of high places." Actually, I was afraid of heights before that, but no one needed to know that. "I really don't want to, no."

She groaned again. "Are you really going to let your fears conquer you like this, Nav? I thought you were stronger than this!"

"And maybe I have good reason for some of them. I don't like being touched but you convinced me to let you do it on the promise that you would stop when I told you to—a promise that you broke. I was afraid of heights from the beginning, but I pretended to be okay because it made Rainbow Dash happy. She told me I would be fine and that nothing would happen to me. And I nearly fell to my death—the only reason I was saved was because I got Fluttershy to help me. I'm sure I could probably come up with other examples if I felt like going into more things I'm afraid of."

"But… falling from Cloudsdale was a fluke!"

"Every time I've been to that city I nearly fell to my death, Twilight. Disregarding the sample size, a one hundred percent ratio of total failures is unacceptable."

"Why do you have to be so… ugh!" Ugh. A fitting description, I suppose.

Most of the rest of the walk back was in silence, until we got to within view of Applejack's ranch. We decided we might as well get it over with, and walked or rode down to meet her.

Applejack did not much know what to think of us. She looked at me and said, "Twilight?"

"Up here," she answered, from atop my back.

"…Navarone?" Applejack said, looking back at me.

"The same."

I almost thought she was going to dispute it, before she said, "I really hope y'all put a hurtin' on Trixie for doing that to you."

"I don't think she'll be bothering us again," I said.

Applejack didn't know how to respond to that, so Twilight said, "We didn't exactly know how we should go about approaching the town. There will be some… confusion, I believe."

"I'll say…" Applejack answered, and thought for a moment. "Why not just wait until dark, wrap that cloak around you, and saunter in like you own the place?"

"That was our plan, but we also didn't want all of you to go rushing off to rescue us in case Celestia couldn't change us back right away. Navarone here thought the first thing you would do upon seeing us would be to rush off to tell the rest of our friends so they could see us before we changed. I told him you were more loyal than that."

"Now, in my defense," I said, "that isn't exactly how I put it."

"Wellll…" Applejack said, then immediately ran off, snickering.

"Dammit, I told you!" We both sighed. "Well, nothing for it now," I said, and began walking into town.

We got some odd looks, I'll admit. More, I soon realized, directed at me than at her. I flicked my new ears and picked up some of the horrified whispers: "A blank flank, at his age? What is the world coming to?" "Look at him! Never seen one quite like him before…" Not something I'm entirely proud of, but Twilight actually was correct when she said I would get more blushes than laughs.

Even Scootaloo, when we ran into her, seemed shocked to see me. She was more shocked at my lack of a cutie mark, though, and completely failed to notice Twilight on my back, just as she completely failed to notice she was going very fast on a scooter, and just barely managed to stop before crashing. "Mister, why don't you have a cutie mark?" she asked. Twilight sniggered. I shifted, making her rush to not fall.

"Because I only just turned into a pony about a day ago," I told her, and then I saw it click.

"…Navarone?"

"Guilty."

"Guilty of that, and more," Twilight quietly laughed aloud. I shifted again to shut her up.

"What happened?"

"A spell gone wrong," is all I said. She took that information and sped off, probably to find the rest of her friends.

As we neared the tree house, I saw signs of hurried occupation, and a few eyes peeking out windows. I let Twilight down off my back and she opened the door for the first time with actual hands.

Twilight's fanfare was a lot louder than mine. As soon as she opened the door and walked in, she was pretty much hit by unsuppressed snickers. She bore it with decent enough grace, and beckoned me forward.

I could tell they wanted to laugh. But they… couldn't. I mean, I'm not a handsome human, at least not as far as I know. I have no reason to think I'd be a handsome pegasus. I honestly found myself surprised at my reception, which was covered by at least three blushes and one quickly suppressed snicker when she realized she was laughing alone. Spike had no such reservations, and laughed aloud at my discomfort.

"What? Do I have something on my face?" I asked.

With that, the spell was broken, and there was a tirade of questions. Most were directed at Twilight, but Pinkie Pie hopped over to me and said, "So, how about those dance lessons?"

"I was rather hoping to change back before too long, my dear."

"You're changing back?" she cried. "Why would you want to do that?" Her outburst got everyone's attention.

"Because I don't have thumbs, for one thing," I said weakly.

"Thumbs?" Applejack said. "I've done just fine without them. We all have!"

"You also never had them to lose. Spike, how would you feel if you suddenly lost the use of your hands?"

They all turned to him. "Hey, I want no part of this. I'm just gonna go write a letter to Princess Celestia real quick." So much for my erstwhile companion.

"Humph. If you ask me," Rarity said, "you just want to be different for the sake of being different!" _Well, nobody asked you._ "You look just fine the way you are!" Extra emphasis on fine, I thought.

"If you don't believe me, ask Twilight. She's had to use her hands a bit since we changed."

They looked to her. "He does have a bit of a point. If I didn't know I was going to have magic to go back to as a unicorn, I would be somewhat hesitant to change back." They scoffed at her answer.

"Believe me or not," I said. "It matters little to me. Celestia will soon be here, and will hopefully be able to change us both back."

Spike came back in with a scroll, and everyone's retort was cut off as he read it. As he continued, I saw Twilight's face grow slightly resigned, I saw the other ponies grow somewhat smug, and I felt rather than saw my face droop. Celestia was, in fact, able to fix us, but she was busy with something big that impacted the realm as a whole, and was unable to help us for at least a week. I was stuck. As a pony. For a week.

Well, shit.

"Twilight," I found myself saying, "would you kindly remove this crossbow and the bolts from my neck? I think I'd like to go lie down."

"I'll take them off you, but you're not going anywhere." I sighed, and noticed how much louder it sounded as a pony. "No, we're going to stay here and deal with this."

"Uh, Twilight?" Spike said. "There's another part of this letter that I think you should see."

She grabbed the scroll and read it to herself, then reread it. She looked at me, and recited aloud: "Do not let Navarone get a cutie mark. I do not know if I can turn him back into a human if he obtains one, or at least, if I can, it will be considerably more difficult. I have never tried it before, but Luna assures me that she almost couldn't maintain the transformation from pony to human even at the height of her power, and she hypothesized that it was because of her cutie mark. So warn him, Twilight, that I may not be able to help him if he has a cutie mark when I get there."

I won't repeat my string of expletives. "So," I said when I was finished, "I just do nothing for a week?"

"Not necessarily," Twilight said. "Getting a cutie mark takes most ponies several years to do. I would be careful to avoid doing anything you much like, though."

"Pinkie Pie, good news: The dancing lessons are back on."

"REALLY?" She didn't even catch the insult.

I sighed at that and turned to Twilight, "Unless I'm needed for anything else?"

"Nothing I can think of," she smiled. "Try not to have too much fun." _No chance of that happening._ Yes, I have had a few dance lessons in the past. No, I didn't enjoy any of them. I have no idea how to dance as a pony, either.

And I'm not going to lie, Pinkie Pie's showgirl outfit did _not_ make me feel any better about dancing with her. How did she even put that thing on? Better question, who makes something like that for a pony?

Rarity decided to follow us to Pinkie Pie's rented room; of all Twilight's friends, she was the only one that actually didn't have anything better to do than watch me embarrass myself. Even Fluttershy had to go back to helping her animals. In Rarity's words, "I just have to see this for myself."

It started awkwardly but got better. I had no idea how to balance weight on my two back legs and use my two front legs as focus points against her, so she had to show me how to do that, and it took longer and was full of more innuendos than I ever suspected any of these ponies to use. Rarity finally threatened to leave if Pinkie Pie didn't knock it off and that pretty much ended that.

After that, it went much smoother. Pinkie Pie made a professional, if slightly silly, teacher, and my past experience helped a bit. I didn't leave as a pro dancer, but I would have been able to hide well on a dance floor.

All in all, it really wasn't that bad of an experience. Not something I'd do if I had another choice in the matter, mind, but it was a worthy pastime.

As I prepared to leave, Pinkie Pie said, "Just think, Nav! If you don't change back, we could open a dance studio! And Rarity could design our outfits, and Twilight could plan showings, and Applejack could make money on the side selling concessions, and Rainbow Dash could make dramatic weather, and Fluttershy could talk some birds into doing… whatever birds are supposed to do in instances like that!"

"Lofty dreams, my dear," I said. "Something to think about, but not, I think, enough to tip my hand. Waltzing is an interesting hobby, I admit, but I don't know if it's worth all the cost."

"Waltzing isn't the only kind of dance out there, you know! I know several I could teach you!"

"We'll see," is all I answered. "For now, I admit that I am rather weary. Taking care of Trixie was tiring in itself, and finding myself in a new form hardly helped, nor did having to tote Twilight all the way back."

With cries to 'think about it' following us, Rarity and I departed. When we were far enough away from the shop, Rarity said, "I'm somewhat impressed, Navarone. I never thought you would be much of a dancer, though it did take you a while to measure your steps."

"I think I did rather well, for just having learned how to walk a day or two ago. Though, to be fair, I'm honestly still not that good. But Pinkie Pie is a surprisingly good teacher."

"Yes, she does have her occasional moments of lucidity. So, what are your plans for the rest of the week?"

"My main goal is, as it is every week, to not die. That aside, I plan to do my best to not get suckered into any situations I cannot talk my way out of. I will only have this body until Celestia shows up to change me, and I really, really don't want anyone to get any ideas about trying to force me to stay this way, or convince me to do so."

"Is that form really so displeasing to you?"

"It is not as bad as I feared, I will admit. However, it feels… _wrong, _like I'm constantly about to fall over, or like I'm on my hands and knees. I keep trying to stretch my fingers, only to realize that I don't have any. My ears keep twitching, and I'm hearing things that as a human I never would have picked up. My eyes are in the wrong places. And my nose… for some reason, as soon as I got near town, I started smelling… something. And whatever it is, it feels like it's trying to pull me. Whenever I concentrate on it, I start feeling… odd, light even, and I feel really warm. I don't know how you aren't driven crazy by whatever it is."

"I don't know—oh! Oh, my. Yes, we need to talk to Twilight about that."

"What is it?" I noticed a faint blush creeping on her face.

"We'll talk to Twilight and see what she has to say. But I think I know your problem. How much did you know about ponies where you came from, again?"

"Not much. I mean, for the most part they all hated me for no reason, so I did my best to avoid them."

"No reason? I'm sure… Anyway, we'll talk to Twilight and she'll probably be able to help you with your… problem. Just try not to think about it too much."

Of course, when someone tells you that, it's hard to not do it. I did my best, mind, but human reasoning isn't much compared to instincts, and with nothing else to think about or to attract my interest, I never really stood a chance. We were half way back when I sort of… blacked out.

And woke up the next day in my bed at Twilight's house, feeling considerably better and no longer noticing whatever that smell was.

When I asked Twilight about it, she shrugged and just said by way of explanation, "There's a reason there aren't many male ponies in Ponyville." That actually told me a lot when I thought about it.

When I asked Spike what happened, he told me, "Last night Rarity dragged you in here by your tail. She used magic to immobilize you, apparently. They didn't tell me what was going on, but man, your eyes were completely blank. It was kind of scary. Then Twilight and Rarity did some magic over you and you feel asleep."

Well, that was almost bad.

Rarity came by shortly after I woke up to make sure I was okay.

"Yep. I'm feeling much more clear headed now. I have… some idea of what happened. So much for my vaunted human reasoning…"

"Don't blame yourself, Nav. We are all occasionally slaves to our instincts…"

"I still feel as though I should try to apologize, though. I should be better than that!"

"Well, if you really want to make amends, you could do me the favor of modeling for me. It's not often that I get a stallion such as yourself to work with!"

That sounded like even less fun than dancing with Pinkie Pie, but I managed to hide my distaste for the idea. "If Twilight doesn't need me, I suppose I could help you…"

I don't think she actually expected me to say yes, but she hid her surprise well. "Wonderful! I have all kinds of ideas…" Yeah, it didn't take me long at all to regret my decision. Though I do admit, being able to feel Spike's burning eyes on us as we departed was kind of humorous.

Look, I won't say that was the most fun thing I've ever done, but it was far from the worst. I honestly don't know how I looked, at least to a mare, but I know Rarity was very pleased with her results. She kept talking about someone named 'Photo Finish,' which I personally thought was a completely ridiculous name.

I'm also not entirely sure how she made all the clothes she had me try on that fast. I mean, surely she wasn't storing masses of clothes on the possibility that a stallion would one day show up and say, "Hey, you need a sexy male model?" Rarity can sometimes be crazy, but surely not _that_ crazy.

When I asked her, she got a bit of an angry look in her eyes and mentioned, rather venomously, a certain '_him_.' I decided that it was in my best health to not push the issue, and she quickly got over her outburst and went back to playing dress up with me as her doll. _I really do have a problem saying no to people…_

For a while, her cat was eyeing me from across the store, probably trying to figure out where it knew me from. I made a funny face at it, and the thing suddenly nodded, as if realizing who I was, and went back to sleeping.

We were in a back room when the bell on the door chimed, signaling someone walking in. "Just a minute," Rarity sang, before turned back to me. "No, not like that! That's the wrong hole! Here, let me!"

"I'm sorry, this is my first time…" I said a bit sheepishly. Well, it was my first time trying to put pants on as a pony. Seriously, why do ponies even have pants? "Watch it, that thing's sensitive!" She had just pulled my tail, which was still somewhat hurting from getting dragged by it last night.

"I know it's your first time, but surely you used to do this all the time back when you were a human!"

"Yeah, but that was with a more natural medium, not anything like this."

"I figured you'd have some kind of instincts on the matter! The way you acted last night, I know you can move those hips well!"

"That was with Pinkie Pie, though! She wasn't abusing me nearly as much as you are."

"Oooh, you're hopeless!" she wailed, then turned to the door. "Let's go see what my other guest wants."

She opened the door to a very bright red-faced Fluttershy, who looked from me to Rarity with a mixture of shame and horror. "What… what were you… doing in there?" she asked in a frightened voice.

Rarity looked somewhat shocked. "Fluttershy, you should know better… I am a _lady_!"

I quickly thought over the conversation we had since she had walked in, and laughed aloud. I admit, I was tempted, at that point, to pretend that we had been doing something, but I figured it would end badly if I did. "Relax. She's using me as a dress up doll. And last night Pinkie Pie taught me how to waltz. And my… my tail is sore, since I got it caught in a door when I forgot about it."

Fluttershy looked a lot less nervous after that, and even consented to pose with me for a few of Rarity's shots. It got somewhat awkward at a few points, but at that point I had done worse, so we managed to get through it. Fluttershy did have to explain how to spread my wings, though.

I know it's hard to explain or imagine, but imagine you suddenly grew wings. The problem is, your mind was only built to handle two arms and two legs, and you were raised only using those. If you suddenly gained access to a whole new set of muscles that you never tried to use before, it would take you a while to figure out how they worked in relation to the other parts of your body. Rarity and Fluttershy had to gently extend my wings and distend them several times for me to even be able to figure out where on my body the muscles were to use, let alone actually trying to use them.

When Rarity had finished abusing us for her own sick amusement, she took a look at some of her pictures and said, "Navarone, you simply _must_ stay as a stallion! You could become famous as a model! Just think of your possible impact on fashion!"

"I try not to at all times, actually. If that's what I have to look forward to as a pony, I think I should get changed back as soon as possible. Isn't that right, Fluttershy?"

"I know I didn't much care for my foray into fashion," she said, and then caught a look from Rarity. "But you might like it a lot more! I don't know how the male model industry works…"

"Being gay is probably a prerequisite that I lack. I think I'll pass."

"Psh. Stallions," Rarity said, rolling her eyes. _I could say something similar about mares…_

Instead, though, I contented myself with disentangling myself from Fluttershy and then the clothing. "I assume we're done?" I asked.

"Yes, yes. Fluttershy and I have an appointment with a spa that we must meet. Thank you for your help, Navarone!"

Well, that was an interesting way to spend a few hours. And I learned why the ponies very rarely wore clothing. Pants were very… restricting, for my new form.

Twilight had given me the cloak she wore on the way back when we returned and got settled so that I could hide my blank flank and actually walk around in town as a pony. She, in turn, got full reign over pretty much everything in my wardrobe, including the shoes Rarity did, in fact, have ready by the time we returned. Twilight looked better in my clothes than I did, that's for sure. Though maybe that's just loneliness talking.

It was interesting, seeing this place from the viewpoint of a normal pony. Well, at least what everyone else considered a relatively normal pony. I did get a few odd looks, which I attributed to either the bulging of the cloak over my wings or the fact that apparently I was somehow uncommonly attractive—which I still don't understand. I always assumed that I was normal bordering on ugly as a human, so why would that change as a pony?

So there I was, walking through town, looking relatively ordinary, when the trio of disaster cornered me.

"Hey Navarone, want to join us in getting your cutie mark?" Applebloom asked me.

"Yeah, it'll be fun!" Sweetie Belle assured me.

"And with you along with your weird human ideas, we should get done twice as fast!" Scootaloo added.

"Sadly," _yeah right,_ "I can't. If I get my… cutie mark… I might be stuck as a pony."

"Why is that so bad?" Sweetie Belle asked. "We're managing just fine!"

"Because you're not used to having thumbs. I don't even want to talk about how long it took me to figure out how to eat." _Among other things…_

"Can't you get used to it?" Scootaloo asked.

"In time I could, yes. But there are a few other reasons I don't much care for staying as a pony, none of which you're old enough to understand." _Or that I would be willing to bring up to, well, anyone._

"Applejack uses that excuse on us all the time," Applebloom said. "Can't you give us a hint?"

"Not and retain any scrap of grace, no."

"Can't you just avoid doing anything with us that you really like doing?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"I could, but if I tried something new and liked it too much it might be too late. It's not really something I consider worth it, though I have actually already tried two new things so far. Well, one new and one semi-new."

"I heard my sister muttering about you doing something with Pinkie Pie last night. She seemed really mad about whatever it was…" Sweetie Belle said.

"Applejack also mentioned you going somewhere with Pinkie Pie. What did you two do?"

"Dancing lessons. It was… awkward, as a pony."

"I thought you didn't like dancing at parties," Scootaloo said.

"This was ballroom dancing, waltzing. If we tried that at a normal one of Pinkie Pie's parties, it would get us laughed out of the joint."

"Hm… That's something we haven't tried yet," Applebloom said. "Do you think she'd be willing to teach us?"

"If you asked, probably."

With that, they ran off shouting about becoming professional ballroom dancers. Well, I guess it's better than professional personal dancers. God, I can imagine the look on Rarity's face if Sweetie Belle came home sporting a stripper pole or a tramp stamp on her ass.

Suddenly the idea for a great prank hit me, but I shook it off. That would be bad, even for me. Besides, I don't even know if that profession exists in Ponyland.

The rest of day two was spent mostly in silence, walking around Ponyville and seeing the sights with a new perspective. I answered a few polite questions from curious ponies, mostly about who I was and why I was in town. I decided I might as well pretend to be a servant of the princess, in town visiting Twilight. No reason to go building up awkward questions, after all. I received a few depressing warnings to avoid her… _pet human._ I almost got violent the first time I heard that, but managed to restrain myself. It's not like the ponies here hated me, they just… weren't that used to me yet. Hell, it had only been, what, six months since I got here? I was at best tolerated.

Let me tell you, even after the first few days, I still wasn't used to waking up and not being able to rub the sleep out of my eyes. Or adjusting the cover late at night. Or, hell, anything. Oh well. Only five days left, hopefully. I did notice that I was getting behind on my journal, not being able to write or anything. So if anything seems odd or off about this week, it may just be that it took me so much longer to get to writing it.

Day three was a terrible storm, so no one really went outside. Twilight practiced magic with her new horn, and it was pretty funny seeing the expressions on her face as she worked her spells. God, but it was great to see another human, even if I did know she was only faking it and even if she looked odd for some reason. Aside from the eyes and horn, I mean. It definitely brought a lot of memories back that we discussed at length, lacking much else to do.

I was only eighteen when I left and I lacked many friends for most of that life, but I did have some interesting tales. Admittedly, a lot of them weren't about me, but they were still pretty interesting.

I'll spare you the details, because honestly, many of them were about why I was going to be forever alone back on Earth. Awkwardness and teen hormones aside, I really was terrible with girls: Flirting was no problem, but following through was impossible for me. I had a girl wait a full minute for me to ask her out. I knew she was waiting, and she had to know I knew she was waiting, but I just… couldn't ask. It was bad.

Some of the stories were funnier ones, though. Admittedly, some of them weren't actually true, but they were things I had talked about doing or was planning on doing before I was taken. Like, for instance, the prank about moving one of the senior lunch tables to the roof and eating up there like it wasn't a thing, while the only access to the roof was by ladder. Our tables were mostly made of concrete. It would have been possible, but it would have been a massive undertaking. I was all for it, and had actually drawn up plans, but I could never get anyone to help me that was willing to risk the punishment.

She, in turn, regaled me with her own tales of childhood. She was much the same as I in many respects: She spent most of her life doing little but studying and practicing magic, and spent little time on friends.

She was fiddling with my knife for most of the conversation, grooming her finger nails and just otherwise fiddling with it. Human mannerisms she picked up from watching me, I guess, but it still seemed odd to me.

When she tried popping her knuckles, though, I spoke up: "I wouldn't bother trying that. It takes a while to get them to do that."

"You seem to do it every five minutes."

"Yeah, and it took me a long time to be able to do that. And it's not really that healthy, anyway. I mean, it's not like it'll give you arthritis or anything, but it will start to make your hands feel sluggish and clammy unless you do it often, but that's only if you actually start doing it."

"Then why would any of your people start doing it?"

"Because you don't notice how sluggish and clammy your hands feel until you pop your knuckles and realize how much better they feel." I had no idea if that was true; I had been doing it for so long I don't remember what it felt like to not do it.

"Then why shouldn't I try doing it?"

"Because you're going to be losing your fingers soon enough anyway."

"And what makes you think I haven't decided to stay a human and keep you company?"

"Because you were a unicorn so long that by now being a human is driving you nearly insane due to the sheer oddness and distraction of it?" I know the opposite was definitely true of me. Being a pony felt _wrong_ after being a human for so long.

"Yeah, that would be a pretty good reason."

I had been watching her the whole time, trying to determine why she looked so _off_. Talking about the hands is what got me to realize it. "You don't use your hands while talking! That's why you seem so odd to me."

She looked at me funny. "What?"

"When humans talk to each other, they use hand motions and the like when talking. You don't move your hands at all. It's… disquieting. You also don't touch your face at all; humans tend to do that several times a minute, automatically. No wonder you look so off to me."

"Now that you mention it, you do seem to be a considerably more animated pony than any I've seen before. I never really noticed what you were doing with your hands before, when you were talking. Most ponies rarely use any hoof gestures like that, so we don't get in a habit of noticing them as much. We run the risk of falling over, I guess."

We had a bit of a discussion on communication after that, and ended up just telling more stories until night fell again. It was a long day.

Day four, though, felt even longer. Rainbow Dash felt it was her civic duty as the main pegasus in town to make sure I knew how to fly. With her was Fluttershy, seconded as a teacher for the day. Together, they formed a unified front that even I couldn't break. Seeing a serious Fluttershy is something that doesn't happen often, and it's rarely something anyone could stand against.

So I was dragged off to a secluded field somewhere out in nowhere. I think they did it more to avoid suspicion than to spare me any embarrassment.

"You realize, of course, that I'll soon be back as a human, right?" I tried arguing.

"Trust me, after you start flying, you'll forget all about wanting to be a human!" Rainbow Dash assured me.

"Oh yes, it's quite wonderful! Though I usually prefer the ground, some types of birds can only be found by going higher, and they're well worth the effort!" Fluttershy agreed.

"You're also aware that I only just recently learned how to even stretch my wings, right? Recently as in, two days ago. And then it was for little more but posing."

"I still can't believe you let Rarity dress you up like that. I would have loved to see it!" Rainbow Dash said. Women are sometimes immune to logic, I've found.

"Fluttershy was there. She didn't seem to think it was that odd."

"Oh yes, it was quite… nice," said with a slight blush. I really need to watch what I say. Rainbow Dash just rolled her eyes.

"So, is the main trick here to just fall at the ground and miss? I never could master that as a human…" I ventured. Neither of them got the reference, unsurprisingly.

"No… The basic goal is to jump and start gently flapping, and hope you don't fall," Rainbow Dash said.

"How important is the hoping part of that?"

"It's usually the most important part," Fluttershy muttered. _Comforting._

Rainbow Dash gave her a look. "The hoping part is mostly for beginners," she said, back to me. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Probably."

"Wait, how am I supposed to jump, again? As a human, I only had two legs to worry about."

"Man, you really don't know anything, do you?"

"I just got this body, and I wasn't expecting to have to pass a flaming test with it. My basic plan was to walk around for a few days and then get turned back as soon as possible, and then drink until I forget this experience."

Rainbow Dash shuddered at that. "I can't believe you let Applejack keep any of that horrid stuff!"

"Well, as it turns out it was sort of useful against Trixie."

"You got a unicorn drunk?!"

"Hell no, I'm not stupid. That shit is flammable, and I tried to use that to help fight, though my plan didn't work that well. I could have gone about using it better, but spitting flames is a fucking awesome tactic to use against someone that isn't expecting it. Hurt me like a bitch, though."

"You… lit Trixie on fire?" Fluttershy asked, horrified.

"No, just some rope she tried to entangle me with." Twilight didn't want anyone to know what all happened at the castle, so I let the matter drop so there wouldn't be questions of why we didn't return with any of the alcohol.

In their place, though, were explanations of flight. Knowing she had to get me in the air as soon as possible to maximize what she believed as her chances to get me to stay a pegasus, Rainbow Dash only gave me the crash course in what I absolutely had to know, with Fluttershy filling in where needed. Apparently none of them had yet realized that there was absolutely zero chance of me remaining a pony. But whatever; if they wanted to keep being nice, that was on them.

My first actual attempt at flying went better than expected, but then I really wasn't expecting all that much. 'Better than expected' in this instance means that I was in the air for a few seconds before fluttering to the ground like an injured bird. I didn't die, which was the important part, nor did I burst into flames and explode, which I also considered a big bonus.

Of course, Rainbow Dash didn't much consider that an indicator of success, which shows how much she remembered of being a young flier. Fluttershy was considerably more forgiving, which I thought was nice. It didn't save me from having to try considerably harder the next time, though.

After several tries, I finally managed to actually stay in the air for a spell. I was doing fine, flitting hither and yon throughout the sky, when I ran into a cloud and freaked out.

Now, I had walked on clouds before, for the rodeo competition thing. I had even bent down and felt them; they're considerably less fluffy than you'd think, and were both cold and really, really wet.

But when I flew through one as a pegasus, it was very different. There was still a soft moistness about them, but they were considerably warmer, and they felt a lot more like… a pillow, I guess, is the best comparison, but I couldn't walk through a pillow. I guess a warm slushee is probably the best comparison I could make.

Anyway, I flew through it and completely lost my balance, and couldn't tell up from down. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were expecting that, and had positioned themselves to catch me when I got out of it.

"You could have warned me, you know!"

"Yeah, but where's the fun in that?" Rainbow Dash retorted.

"Besides, it's kind of funny seeing you so helpless!" Fluttershy added, quite out of character.

"Bah! You've seen it before, both of you have."

"Yes, but not with you as a pony!" Rainbow Dash said.

"And that makes all the difference." Fluttershy finished for her.

If I didn't know any better, I'd think they were teaming up on me.

When I discovered that we were right over the lake that Rainbow Dash tried to drop me in right before she came up with the idea for the stupid sky rodeo, I realized they _were_ teaming up on me. Of course, this time I was able to fly, and didn't have to trust my reflexes to haul me up their legs.

So when they dropped me, I managed to actually glide away, which was pretty neat and really did feel awesome. Almost awesome enough to make me wish I wasn't going to turn back into a human. The key word there, of course, was almost.

After that last impediment with the cloud, though, the day just went by as fast as you please. Flying really was an amazing experience, when you don't have to worry about losing your grip and falling to your death.

I don't want to talk about day five.

And not talking about day five means the events of day six wouldn't make sense, and I don't want to talk about them anyway. Especially not when someone might find this journal before I'm dead and use it as blackmail… At least I have a good defense in the matter, if anyone would believe me.

(Sex ahead. Ctrl+f Sex is over to skip it)

Day five dawned bright and early: Apple Bloom came by the library and asked me to come help her with something on the farm. She's a farm girl at heart, and her 'early in the morning' is my 'go-the-fuck-away-I'm-sleeping.'

But the only person in existence that can resist her puppy dog face of cuteness is Applejack. So I grabbed my cloak with a sigh and followed her out the door, trying to blink sleep from my eyes.

"I don't suppose we could stop for something to eat first?" I asked.

"No time!" she answered, skipping ahead and then looking back for me to catch up. I was just slowly plodding along. "Besides, there's plenty of food at the farm."

Right. Apples. I'm fucking tired of apples. I just kept on trudging forwards, not really paying attention to where I was going.

Thankfully, we made it to her little clubhouse without any problems. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were already there, looking about as enthusiastic as I felt.

"Apple Bloom, why am I awake so early?" I finally asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

"Because if we don't get started now, we'll never finish in time!" she answered.

"Start what and finish in time for what?" Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle looked up to me, "She didn't tell you anything either?" I shrugged, noting how odd it felt to my pony body.

"Nav can't get _his_ cutie mark, but that doesn't mean he can't help us get ours!" Apple Bloom said, sounding way too chipper. "He can help us modify his crazy human ideas to fit his new pony body, so we can try them out ourselves!"

I knew it was too early in the morning because she was making sense. Scootaloo turned to Sweetie Belle, "So is it possible to get a cutie mark in sleeping?"

I turned my neck around to check under my cloak, then turned back. "Nope, I'm still clean," I said.

Apple Bloom huffed. "This isn't helping! We need to get planning!"

"Okay," I said. "Uh… Have you tried… I don't know, fucking potion making or something?" They all went pale at that. "Right, I forgot what you did to your teacher." They looked at each other a bit awkwardly. "Wait, did you guys do something else with potions?"

"Let's… let's not talk about that," Apple Bloom said, losing some of her chipperness.

"What about writing?"

They looked at each other again with a similar expression.

"We uh… we tried that," Applebloom finally said as they all turned back to me.

I shook my head. "What about you, Sweetie Belle? Can't you do magic or something?"

She blushed slightly. "I never had any real training… And sis refuses to teach me." _Understandable._

"What about blacksmithing? Or wood crafting? Or anything along that nature?"

They all perked up at that. "Blacksmithing?" Apple Bloom asked with a smile. "Why, we never even _thought_ about that!" The other two started getting excited looks.

_Wait…_ Blacksmithing uses very, very hot metal. These three fillies are prime fuckups when it comes to stuff like that. I tried saying, "On second that, that might not be such a good idea."

They weren't listening. I was barely able to keep up with them as they ran into town, looking for the smithy.

You know, I had never noticed a smithy in Ponyville. It's not _that_ big of a place, though the size seems to fluctuate randomly for some reason no one can explain. But logic doesn't have to work in this place, so they found a smithy where the day before I'm pretty sure there was a post office.

It was… bad. Not bad in that someone got hurt, but… bad.

So were my next several suggestions.

And there were no cutie marks, of course.

Pinkie Pie found us while we were heading back to the club house thing. We all looked dispirited, them from failure and me from being tired. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You should be smiling! Just think, Nav! You're finally normal!"

Oh yeah, that made me feel great. "I'm tired, Pinkie," I answered. "Apple Bloom woke me up early to help them. It isn't going well."

She got an expression on her face that I have long since come to dread: "I have an idea!" she shouted, drawing the gaze of several nearby ponies. They shifted their gaze awkwardly when they realized it was Pinkie. She grabbed the girls and took them a little ways from me, whispering to them in excited tones. I saw them looking back at me every now and then.

I had a bad feeling.

When they finally broke up, the three girls broke off and ran ahead. Pinkie Pie fell into step beside me. I saw a chance and I tried to lunge at it, "Well, if you want to take over for me, I'll happily go on home."

She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as scarily innocent. "Nonsense, Nav! I'm sure between the two of us we can think of a few more things to help them with!"

"My brain is pretty fried right now, Pinkie. I'm barely able to lift one foot in front of the other. I don't even know if that phrase works, now that I'm a pony…"

"Oh come on, I know it isn't _that_ bad! I quite like being a pony! I mean, I've never tried being anything else, but if I did I'm sure I would prefer being a pony."

"And I'd prefer to be a human. And soon, I will be, thank God."

"You mean, thank Celestia?" she asked, looking at me funny.

I thought for a second. "Her too, I guess," I finally said. "So what did you tell the girls?"

"Oh, they're planning a bit of a surprise for you," she answered. I _really_ didn't like the sound of that. But… it's Pinkie Pie. She would never hurt anyone.

That said, you'd be surprised what you can live through. _Or what you'd _want_ to live through._

She kept up some inane chatter on the way down to the farm. We were about a quarter of the way there—all the way out of town—when I found myself hanging in the air. "What the fuck?" I asked, too surprised to be scared. I was in a net, I saw, hanging upside down.

The three girls jumped out of a nearby bush. "We got him!" they shouted. They then checked their flanks to find nothing.

"Well, maybe next time, girls," Pinkie said, ruffling each of their manes. "Now you go ahead and run along. Nav is really tired, and he needs some rest."

"Shouldn't we let him down?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Yes, I think you should," I answered.

"No, no, I'll take care of it girls," Pinkie Pie answered. "No reason to waste time when you could be Crusading!"

They ran off, discussing their next plot.

"So…" I said, balled up in an uncomfortable position.

Pinkie Pie made sure they were out of earshot. "Now I'm going to teach you some more dances!" she said with a happy tone. She started looking for the release on the net. "There we go!" I hit the ground with a painful thud. The net stayed closed around me, preventing any manner of escape.

"I'm afraid I won't be able to move very much until you let me go, Pinkie," I said.

"I'll let you out when we get where we're going, Nav. I don't suppose you could close your eyes? It'll make your surprise so much more surprising!" She grabbed the rope at the top of the net and started dragging me back to town.

"I'm pretty sure all the ponies in town are going to question you dragging me back in a net, Pinkie," I said.

She spit the rope out for a second. "I have a _plan!_" she said, posing dramatically. I waited patiently for her to explain some of it, but she just picked the rope up again.

"So why do I have to be in a net if you're going to teach me how to dance?" I finally asked.

She spit the rope out again. "Less questions, more not-talking," she answered, grabbing the rope again. I sighed.

She stopped just outside of town, in front of a cloaked and hooded figure, a pile of something at its feet. "About time," the figure hissed.

"He's heavy!" Pinkie answered in her normal, cheerful tone.

"Pinkie, what does this have to do with dancing?" I asked. "Unless you're going to hide me in your basement or something to make sure I have no choice but to dance, at least."

The hooded figure jerked back. "You didn't gag him?" she whispered. _Rarity?_

"Alright, what the fuck is going on?" I asked. "If one of you doesn't start telling me what's happening, I'm going to start screaming for help."

Rarity answered, "You did say you didn't want to be in any position you couldn't talk your away out of…" I saw a glow in her hood and something from the pile jumped out and shot at me. Before I could do anything, it slipped through the net and surrounded my mouth.

I looked down at it and then back up. "You don't know how to tie a gag, do you?" I asked, clearly understandable.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "Silly Rarity, that's not how you do it!" She grabbed a hunk of cloth from the pile and wadded it up.

"See, Pinkie Pie has the right idea," I said. "Thankfully, she isn't going to do anything with her idea. Because she's a good friend, and wouldn't want to do anything to me that would require keeping me silent. Right, Pinkie?"

"We're just helping you with a problem, Nav!" Pinkie cheerfully said. Rarity's horn glowed again and the gag slipped down, my mouth squeezed open, and the wad of cloth shot inside. The gag silently slipped back into place.

I did my best to say, "You bitch," but it didn't work very well.

"See, Rarity?" Pinkie Pie said. "Much better!" _Yeah, I really don't like where this is going._

"Quite," she answered. "Now let's get him covered up." The rest of the pile drifted over to cover me. Before long I couldn't see anything and I could barely hear anything. The dragging continued soon after.

I just got fucking ponynapped.

When they finally removed all the stuff over me, I found I was in an ill-used storage room in Rarity's shop. The entire place had the whole 'recently cleaned' feel to it, and was lit only by candles. Rarity and Pinkie Pie stood over me, probably debating in their minds what to do now.

Rarity finally spoke up, "Now Navarone, that door over there is locked." I looked and saw the only door out. I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way. I'm going to take the gag off now, and if you start yelling I'm going to assume you want to do it the hard way."

I glared back. She nodded once and removed the gag. "Let me go," I said.

"We will, silly!" Pinkie Pie answered. "Just not right now."

"Would it help if I said please?" I asked.

"Nope!"

"Will you at least let me out of this fucking net?" I asked, trying to stretch.

"I don't know, Nav," Rarity said coyly. "What will you give us in return?"

_Oh. OH SHIT!_ Fuck that. Absolutely fuck that!

I think they saw the look on my face and realized I finally figured it out. I did my best to inch away from them, but only managed in looking pathetic.

"Like I said, Nav: I'm going to teach you some more dances!"

"You crazy bitch! Stay away from me!"

"I don't think he likes our little idea, Pinkie," Rarity sighed. "Well, that's what magic is for."

"There is no magic in the world that would make me ever want to fuck a horse," I answered, grimacing in disgust at the very idea.

"You seemed pretty… keen… on the idea a few nights ago," Rarity answered with a small smile. "I could just remove that spell from you."

"But Rarity, neither of us a—" Pinkie managed before being shushed by Rarity.

I smiled. "So you remove the pheromone blocker and I break your door down looking for the mare in heat. I imagine that would be fun to explain."

Rarity blushed. "There are… _other_ ways. But really, Navarone! Surely we can be civil about this!"

"I am in a net. I am on the floor. You two are talking about raping me. How is this at all civil for you?"

"He does have a bit of a point, Rarity…" Pinkie whispered.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine! I don't know why you're so reluctant when we're doing this for you, but don't say I didn't give you the chance. I had Twilight teach me this little spell… Pinkie dear, turn around, would you?"

Despite myself, I couldn't help but watch. I knew I shouldn't, but… Rarity's horn spit out little heart shapes that hit Pinkie Pie and just absorbed into her. For a moment, nothing happened. In fact, nothing seemed to be happening at all.

Until I started struggling. My vision started distorting. And I started getting images of Pinkie Pie in my mind. "Must… have!" I roared, forcing myself into a standing position, net be damned. Pinkie Pie turned her head around for a moment to see me and she apparently saw something she wasn't too pleased with.

"Rarity, are you sure this is a good idea?" she asked, turning her head to Rarity, who was doing her best to not look at Pinkie. I was still struggling to break free of the cursed net to get to my beloved.

"I've never seen this spell used like this," Rarity answered. "But what's the worst that could happen?" With that, she used her magic to open the net to let me out.

I was on Pinkie before either could say anything. I don't even remember when I started feeling aroused; my mind was pretty much fucking gone, consumed by the _need_ for Pinkie Pie.

I was suddenly mounted on her and her tail jumped out of the way. I completely hilted her with my throbbing stallionhood. I don't know how I hilted her, given my body wasn't designed for that, but this universe doesn't care about logic. She let out of a yelp of either surprise or pain; I couldn't tell and didn't care. Pain or surprise, I know it quickly turned to pleasure as I started pumping in and out of her. I did my best to get my entire body as close to hers as possible, forcing her front legs to lower under the weight.

"Rarity," she moaned, "I don't think it worked right!" I barely heard her, my mind was pumping so hard. All of my rational processes were shut down and I barely had any cognitive abilities. My entire being was consumed down to fucking this mare.

And fuck her I did. Despite her words, Pinkie Pie quickly matched my pumping rhythm, and her moans reached a crescendo not five minutes after I began. With an incredibly cute moan to finish off the lot, she came quite messily all over me. I was getting coated with mare juices, but I couldn't stop.

I kept going, thrusting in and out of her at a rate that by all rights should have made me cum not a few seconds after I started. That said, my mind was so far gone I couldn't even _feel_ pleasure. I just knew that I absolutely _had_ to take this mare and keep doing it until I dropped.

I don't know how long I was at it. Not ten minutes after we started Pinkie Pie was begging Rarity to end it, moaning with pleasure about how sensitive she was feeling.

About fifteen minutes after we started, Rarity _left the room_ for about twenty minutes. When she came back, Pinkie Pie was nearly crying from the pleasure. "Pl-pl-please! Make it s-s-stop!" she cried, shaking from her latest orgasm. They were still coming every few minutes, and at that point the only reason she was still on her feet was because I was impaling her and keeping her up.

Rarity put a coy little smile on her face. "Now how did that reverse spell go?" she asked aloud. "Hm, I think I need to go ask Twilight! I'll be right ba-a-a-ck!" she sang, leaving the room again.

Pinkie Pie's front legs gave out, giving me a better angle. I went at it with renewed vigor, hitting even more of her hotspots. Pinkie's moans started going up again, though she was trying to bury her head in the floor.

Rarity came back in ten minutes later, humming a little song. She found Pinkie Pie in tears. "Anything!" she weakly moaned. "Just ma-a-a-ke it sto-o-o-op!"

"Oh, fine! Be that way!" Rarity said. Her horn glowed again.

I woke up.

I woke up fucking a horse.

What. The. Fuck.

I pushed myself away, wings spreading fully to give me more speed. When I pulled out Pinkie Pie just dropped, sprawling on the floor. I was still scrambling away when the pain started to hit me.

I groaned, huddling into a fetal position and holding my crotch. "What. Just. Happened?" I finally managed to force out. Rarity was looking at us both with a sweet little smile.

"You just learned why you never want to do things the hard way!" she said, beaming.

"If you don't tell me what the fuck you did," I said, "I am going to get up, kick your door in, tell Twilight you just raped me, and get your ass arrested. From the looks of Pinkie Pie, she'll side with me."

Pinkie Pie was not looking well at all. Aside from a very contented smile, she looked pretty much broken.

Rarity gave me a small laugh. "I don't think you could stand up, let alone kick a door in. But if you insist… It's a little spell Twilight taught me called the need it/want it. I've always wanted to test it on a stallion. I guess it works."

"Yes," I answered, "I bet it's hard for you to pick up guys when you grab them with a net. No wonder Blueblood was so accommodating." That was a low blow and I knew it.

She gave me a very icy stare. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, Navarone. Now, I think you and Pinkie could use some rest."

She walked over to the door. "I'll see _you_ tomorrow, Nav," she said with a smile. She turned to Pinkie, "If you need anything, dear, just call."

Pinkie Pie lightly moaned in response. Rarity left, making sure we could hear the lock turning behind her. I closed my eyes, trying to think about how I could get out of this. Yelling would just draw Rarity and might make Pinkie Pie get up. Fighting wouldn't work, because they all know these bodies better than I do. _That bitch didn't even let me cum,_ I thought for some disturbing reason. Why would I _want_ to cum in a pony? I shuddered at the thought, and twisted my body around on the floor so that I wouldn't be looking at Pinkie, or be able to see her if I opened my eyes. I wrapped myself as best as I could in the cloak.

I don't know if I fell asleep or if I just zoned so far out I was gone. I just know that a few hours later I felt something touch my shoulder. I jumped, pushing myself to the wall to escape it. The candles had mostly burned low at that point, leaving the light in the room less than ideal for seeing.

"It's just me, silly!" Pinkie Pie whispered.

"That's what I'm worried about!" I yelled. "Stay away from me!"

She took another step closer to me.

"I swear to God, if you take one more step I am going to figure out how to use my hooves as weapons!" She stopped, giving me a concerned look. I sagged against the wall.

"What's wrong, Nav?" she asked. "You should be happy! That was the whole point…"

"If you thought this would make me happy, you are fucked in the head. You get that door open so I can leave, and we'll talk. Otherwise, you go to your corner and I'll stay in mine."

She looked like she was about to cry. I was beyond caring. I just pointed at the other side of the room.

She looked over there, and then back at me. "Nav, I normally don't sleep alone… I have either Gummy or a teddy bear to snuggle with," she told me in the saddest voice I've ever heard. Gummy is her pet alligator; it has no teeth.

"That's nice," I answered, keeping my arm pointed away from me.

"My dreams," she said, losing a tear, "They're so scary… I can't even _laugh_ at them, Nav!"

"Welcome to my life," I said. "I live in a world where barn animals rule everything and I'm the outcast. I am completely defenseless against magic and ponies with wings. I am slower than ponies, weaker than ponies, and they outnumber me. The only thing stopping them from doing whatever they want to me is themselves. And apparently that kindness just ran out. So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for you."

She looked absolutely crestfallen. "It's not so bad, Nav," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "None of us would ever hurt you!"

"No. No, you shut the fuck up. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but what you just did to me was _wrong._ It doesn't matter if it hurt me or not. I could see Rarity maybe doing this for herself. I could see a few other ponies doing this. But I _never_ expected Pinkie Pie to do something like this. So you can shut up and go over there. I'm done."

I sank down to the floor, my back to the wall. Pinkie Pie was in full tear mode now, crying for all she was worth. That just does not seem fair to me: The guy gets raped and the girl _still_ ends up crying. She eventually went to her corner. I finally fell asleep.

I don't know what time I finally woke up. The candles were fully out and there were no windows in the room. What little light I could see was coming from under the door. I could hear Pinkie Pie breathing erratically, so I knew I wasn't alone. I didn't get up from where I was, since there wasn't anything here that would help me escape and I didn't want to risk waking Pinkie up.

I was lying there for about an hour before Pinkie Pie stirred. I heard her moan and mutter occasionally; I suppose what she said about her dreams was true. She awoke with a start, thumping her hooves against the floor. "Where am I?" she whispered. I didn't answer. "N-Nav? Are you there?"

I sighed. "Yes," I said with no enthusiasm.

Before I knew what was happening she was at my side, trying to hug me. "It was so dark…" she whispered, holding me tightly.

"Pinkie Pie, let me go," I said wearily. I didn't think she was going to try anything, but I wasn't going to find out.

She didn't move.

"Pinkie Pie?" I asked. I realized she was silently crying, her face buried in my coat. _What the fuck?_ The night before… I was angry then, and understandably so. She was crying because she realized what she did was wrong. Now… Now she's crying because she's scared. Why does that make it different?

I wrapped my front legs around her, holding her.

We were like that for a little while. Finally, her arms started going slack. "Nav?" she said quietly.

"What, Pinkie?"

"I'm sorry… I didn't think this was going to make you mad. We just wanted to show you what you would be missing out on."

"When I was fucking you, I didn't feel anything, Pinkie. I don't even _know_ if it felt good. When I was released, it hurt pretty badly."

She was silent for a little while. Finally, she said, "I could make it feel better…"

"If you start touching me like that I'm going to send you back to your corner. I'm holding you because you're scared, and for no other reason."

She sighed. "You're so _uptight,_ Nav. If it feels good, how can it be wrong? I know you don't see ponies that way, but if you're going to be living in Ponyville that means you're going to be living alone."

I was silent for a while. I know what she said was true. And I know in the end I would probably give in and try dating a mare. But… "It's all about choice, Pinkie. I didn't want this. And it was forced on me in the worst way possible. There are a few things I am actually terrified of, and you utilized three of them to get me to have sex with you."

She giggled a bit at that. "You? Afraid? Come on, Nav."

"I'm serious, Pinkie. I'm afraid of being constricted or tied, and you had me in a net. I'm afraid of having my mind altered too much, and Rarity did something that made me want you. And I'm afraid of having magic used against me."

"Then I guess you'll play nice when it's Rarity's turn?" she asked cheerfully.

I removed my arms. "Get the hell away from me." She looked up, hurt. "After everything I said, you're still going to let her do that to me?"

"I made a Pinkie Promise!"

"Your morals are worth more than promises. If you know something is wrong, you shouldn't do it no matter what you said."

"But if I don't keep my promises, what are my morals really worth?"

"If you don't let me go and get away from me, I'm going to start hurting you," I answered.

"You can't solve all of your problems with violence, Nav!" She let me go, though. I heard her walking to the door. She hit it a few times with one of her hooves. "RARITY!" I felt my stomach start to sink.

Not a minute later I heard a key turn in the door. Light flooded into the room, making us both blink.

I made a beeline for the door, bowling past Pinkie. I made it into the main room of the shop before I felt myself unable to move.

"Can't… hold… him… long!" I heard Rarity saying. Her voice was heavy with stress.

"Don't worry, Rarity!" Pinkie sang out, throwing the net back over me. All of my hopes died right there. She gently dragged me back into the room. Rarity lit the candles back, or replaced them. I wasn't really paying attention. "Now Navarone, I thought we had an agreement!" Pinkie said when we were all locked in the room again.

"We most certainly did not," I answered. "I told you how bad this made me feel and you said you were going to help Rarity anyway. That pretty much cut off any manner of deal I was willing to make with you."

"Navarone, you really shouldn't be so bitter about this!" Rarity said, shaking her head slightly and smiling. "It's just sex! What kind of stallion are you?"

"I'm _not_ a stallion," I said. "That's the problem."

"You sure look like one to me," Rarity answered.

I gave Pinkie Pie a very, very sad look, the saddest I've come up with since I got here. She refused to meet my gaze.

"Rarity," she said, "Can I… talk to you, outside?"

Rarity looked up from me. "Certainly, darling." She looked back to me. "Now Nav, I'm going to let you out of that net. Be a good colt and don't try to run away. Let's try to do this the easy way today."

Her horn glowed for a second and the net slipped off me. I stiffly stood, stretching my legs and getting ready.

"Much better!" she said, right before I roared and fucking charged her. I was mostly aiming for the door, but since she was standing in the way of it she barely had time to scream in terror before I plowed into her.

Now, Rarity is not a strong mare, not someone used to doing much manual work. And to be fair, I'm not used to doing much stuff either. But as a stallion, I'm both stronger than her and bigger than her. When I barreled into her, she flew back a few feet and landed on the floor, dazed. She didn't even offer any resistance as I jumped over her and body-slammed her front door off the hinges.

It hurt, but I think getting raped some more would be worse. I fucking booked it, not paying attention to the looks I was getting or to where I was going. It was only when I was several blocks away that I started trying to decide what to do next. _Library isn't safe. Hell, nowhere in town is safe from Pinkie…_

I slowed down to take in my surroundings, trying to figure out what to do. When I felt a breeze rustle my fur and feathers, I realized that I already had a solution. My wings shot out and I jumped into the air, thanking Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy for their forced training. I knew Pinkie had a flying machine and could follow me even in the air, but I also knew that I had a friend up here that hopefully wouldn't betray me.

I landed on the lip of Rainbow Dash's house and began banging on the door, hoping to whatever cruel god there might have been that Dash was home.

A very agitated and tired looking Rainbow Dash ripped the door open. "What the buck do you want this early in the morning, Nav?"

"A place to hide and no questions." I pushed my way past her before she could say anything. "And not telling anyone I'm here would be great. Especially Rarity or Pinkie."

"Ugh. Fine, play your hide and seek. They'll just call it cheating if you stay up here forever, though." She slammed the door shut behind me. "I'm going back to bed. Don't break anything or I'll drag you to them myself."

"Thanks, Dash. I'll just curl into a ball on the couch and try to forget that I'm in a hellscape world full of monstrous demonspawn."

"Have fun with that." I wonder if she would have asked me more about that if she hadn't been as tired. Either way, she quickly limped back down a hall and I heard another door slamming shut as I made good on my word, curling into a ball on her couch and trying to forget or process what exactly had just happened.

(Sex is over)

Day seven was pretty chill, though, after I got away from the traumatic events of day five and six. And, even better, it was the day Celestia predicted she would be able to change me and Twilight back. I was definitely in a hurry to be changed back, at that point.

Seriously, days five and six… Never mind.

Anyway, when I finally went back home, I locked myself in Twilight's tree house waiting for Celestia to arrive for about half the damn day. To have gained wings only to have them unusable was sad, but I was really, really looking forward to having fingers again. And the ability to hold a knife and the nimbleness to avoid nets.

I really need to stop thinking about those two days…

But when Celestia finally arrived, I was put on hold for another hour while she talked to Twilight. Twilight, mind, was not—she was fixed as soon as she closeted herself in with Celestia. Probably discussing what happened with Trixie, or more ways to make me suffer. It still wasn't a reason to make me wait, though. Unless it was the extra suffering thing, I suppose.

When I finally did get a chance to speak with the princess, though, it did make up a bit for the wait.

"So, Navarone, I heard you had an eventful week," was the first thing she said to me.

"The first part was pretty good. I was still a human, got to travel, see new places. After that, though, it started to go downhill. I got to help torch an old castle that was full of bodies and bad memories, which was a plus. Oh, and I was turned into a pegasus for a week, which really, really sucked. I was forced into dancing lessons, modeling, flying lessons, and if I told you about yesterday and the day before you'd be obligated to arrest a few ponies. Though I've heard tell you had an interesting week yourself."

"What was that part about arresting ponies?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Please, tell me what was so important that I was forced to live like… this."

"Somepony took it upon his or her self to… torch… an old landmark, where, upon examination, several bodies of various animals and a single pony were found. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Sorry, I don't speak English."

"I figured. Don't worry, Twilight already told me the tale. I wish I had known a week in ago, then I wouldn't have wasted my—and your—time on it. If you run into this Trixie again, bring her to me. Do not harm her any more than you have to. Now, I really must insist you tell me about those ponies that I should be arresting."

"It's… nothing. If you can turn me back into a human today, I will not care one bit about what happened this week." I noticed the clothes Twilight was wearing before she was restored—my clothes, mind—were on a nearby table.

"That is, of course, your choice, Navarone. If you really want me to turn you back into a human, I will. I cannot, however, promise that it will work all the way."

"…What?"

"Your wings. You might still have wings as a human, if I turn you back."

"That's… retarded. Why the hell would I still have wings? I'm no angel."

"Because what happened to you, as Twilight described it, was a complete accident. It was the result of two out-of-control spheres of magic combining and shooting out a… sphere of chaos might be the best term. Essentially, the two spells combined effects in a way that is completely unpredictable. Twilight was turned into a human, but kept her horn—which was a really, really odd coincidence, given the range of things that could have happened, though maybe you and her close proximity did something about that. You were given wings and turned into a pony, which might or might not technically be a pegasus. The meat of it is, though, that there's a good chance you'll keep your wings. Twilight kept her horn as a human, and when Luna showed me her human form she had both a horn and wings."

"Alright, I'm going to need a lot of alcohol and some bolt cutters."

"I refuse to let you destroy your body like that! Why would you even think about doing that?"

"I was joking…" God, but that would hurt. "I just really, really don't like the idea of having wings as a human. How am I going to put on a shirt?"

"You have the option of remaining as a pegasus. I'm sure Luna would be happy about that."

"No!" I said, a bit too fast. "No," I said, calmer. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about the last few days? Or is the idea of being with Luna really that bad?"

"Let's just say that the protection I get with Luna is looking better all the time." Which could mean a lot.

"I see." Thankfully, she probably didn't. "Then hold still, and hope for the best."

With that, my brief foray as a pony was over. And my lifetime as a filthy mutant began.

"So you're sure there's no way to get rid of these wings?" I asked, flexing them slowly as I put on my pants. I'm not going to lie, if I was ever given any two powers back home, I would pick time control and wings without a second thought. But when you actually have them, you realize how truly inconvenient they are—wings, not time control. Not as much for a pony, mind, but they are for a human. Sleeping would be a pain, since I'd have to stay on my stomach or tie them to my back so I don't bend them. Sitting down would be a pain, if I sat with my back to anything. As I mentioned before, putting a shirt on was going to be a bitch. If I could ever bring myself to face Rarity again, I could try to commission a jacket or a hoodie that has an open back and a zip-up or button up front.

At least it was still warm out. I had a while before I actually needed to start wearing shirts. Hell, it's not like anyone here would care if I was indecently exposed. Not many of them bother to wear clothes either.

"None that I can think of."

"Before, I could have returned home, even at a big risk. Now, though, I truly am stuck here. There is no way in hell I will be able to avoid a government lab like this."

"Do you really consider that so bad?"

"No. Not really… Not as long as I'm a human, at least. If I'm going to turn back into a pony, I will be wearing some kind of hideous mask the entire time."

"I'm really curious as to how your week went."

"I can imagine." She wanted to ask, I could tell. I wanted discuss it, she could tell. But we both knew the other would never admit to it, and so it went unsaid.

So instead, she said, "Luna has been asking about you."

I repeated myself: "I can imagine."

"She really wanted to see you as a pony. I think she's going to be disappointed about your decision to change back."

"Well, she has the magic to change me at her will, when she gets out. We can… discuss it, then."

"She asked for any messages you might have had."

I started to shake my head, then got an idea. I checked my pockets and pulled out the empty zippo lighter I had. "Here, give her this. It's pretty much useless now, but I don't guess she has to know that."

"What… does it do?"

"Sets fires. It got plenty of use recently."

"And why should I give her something that can create such destruction?"

"For one, it's about empty right now, so I don't think it'll be making any fires. For another, it would be hard to operate without thumbs. And finally, if she asks what it means, I guess make some crap up about how it symbolizes the fire of my passion or something."

"You're so romantic, Nav," she said rather dryly.

"Yeah, just don't mention that it happens to be empty."

She smiled. "From what I can tell of Luna's mood, you might need that fakery. It has only been a month, admittedly, but she seems completely smitten with you. I suggest very highly against doing anything to make her jealous or mad right now. It would not end very well for you or the target of her jealousy."

"I'll… do my best," I said, suddenly feeling somewhat weak.

"Is something wrong?"

"No… Just thinking, is all." What are the chances they'll speak up? Improbable, I hope.

"Are you really sure you should be giving Luna hope like this, though? It seems more likely that she'll forget if you don't give her anything to think about."

"After what Zecora did, and my response to it, there's no chance Luna will be forgetting anything. I'm stuck. Nothing for it but to make the best of it."

"You could just have Twilight turn you back into a pony after I leave and have her send me a letter saying that she accidentally teleported you somewhere. I made sure to teach her the transportation spell in case something like this happens again." My blood ran a little cold at that. "Luna doesn't know what you look like as a pegasus; you could easily disappear and blend in, then."

"To do that I'd have to give up being a human. I like being a human. I would not want to be a pony unless I had some kind of magic or something to manipulate items with."

"One of these days, I'll have to turn myself into a human to see what the big fuss about fingers is. Twilight and Luna both commented on it, and I already knew your position on it."

"I thought it was harder to turn into a human if you had a cutie mark."

"Harder, but not impossible."

"Try it if you want, I suppose. It might be interesting to see you as a human."

"I never said I would let _you _see me. Or anypony, for that matter."

"What, don't trust me?"

"Should I?"

"Well, no, but still!"

"Twilight mentioned how you reacted to her human form."

"Did she also mention that she was drunk and was indecently tempting me?"

"No, she didn't. I might have to bring that up, the next time she mentions you acting inappropriate because you're male."

"She said that, did she? Maybe she'd get along better with Rainbow Dash than I thought."

"I don't think so." I just shrugged at that. "So, care to tell me anything more about your… interesting… week?"

"The first half is fine to tell. The second half… not so much, unless you're into some interesting things."

"I'll listen to anything you want to say."

"Well, it pretty much started with some odd message Twilight got about a competition. It said something about magic items only or something. So that meant I counted, in a way, since I was summoned. I agreed to go and Twilight gave me a neat little weapon she had commissioned a while back. We left, traveled for a few days, and got there. It was a trap, as we had both suspected. We tripped it, fought through it, and won. I ended up a pony, Twilight ended up a human, and Trixie ended up… Well, we don't know how she ended up. We came back and got an interesting reception. Twilight was laughed at by her friends, I was given a disturbing stunned silence. After some interesting experiences getting used to my body, I was forced into taking dancing lessons by Pinkie Pie and Rarity, where I relearned how to waltz, this time as a pony. Then the next day I was forced to model by Rarity, with Fluttershy. The day after that it rained a bit, so we all stayed inside and just talked or did something similar all day. The next day I was taught how to fly by Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Then two more days went by and stuff happened in them and then here you are, turning me back into a human."

"Some of that I already knew. I still kind of want to know what happened in those unexplained two days, and why I should be arresting somepony because of it."

"I'm sure you do." She waited for more but got nothing.

It took me a few minutes, but I realized with a start my wings were pretty massive, much larger than they were as a pegasus. When I asked, Celestia made a guess, "Pegasi have a lot of latent magic in them. Some of that magic allows them to stand on clouds, some of it enables them to actually fly. As a human, you probably don't have nearly as much magic as they do. So you're stuck with much larger wings to compensate."

"I don't know much about wings or flying in general. Will that have any consequences?"

"Flying will be harder, gliding will be easier. Lifting off in the first place won't be that easy, but with a running start it will be much easier. If you wish, I can demonstrate. My wings are much larger than the average pegasus wings."

"Nah. I'll figure it out as I go…"


	10. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine—Mailmares, dancing, and Cutie Marks.

None of the ponies in Ponyville commented on my new wings, aside from Twilight and her friends. Apparently most ponies just sort of do their best to look around me when they see me. Not rude, of course, but not polite either. They knew I wasn't of their world, and didn't want anything to do with me. At least they weren't dicks about it, and were actually willing to talk to me if I asked them something.

Not being able to make fire on demand was rather annoying, admittedly. Back on Earth, I put the maniac in pyromaniac. Now I didn't have so much as a book of matches. If I knew more about geology I might could get some flint or whatever it's called and use that to make sparks, but whatever.

And as it turned out, Rarity was able to modify my clothing so that it would fit with my wings. Twilight had to actually ask her to come by the library after I managed to come up with several excuses to avoid her shop, and it was a shock to find her rummaging around in my clothes when I got back from wandering.

I was turning on my heel to head back out when she looked up.

"Nav, wait!"

Yeah, I wasn't about to wait for shit. The only thing that stopped me was her magic tugging on my wings. I tried to continue walking anyway, but fuck are wings annoying.

"Will you at least look at me?"

"And what would I see? A woman so believing in herself that she would do something terrible to someone? There are things I'd rather see, like anything away from here."

"If you would let me explain—"

"Then I would be even more pissed! You can't explain away what you did. Now let me go."

"So I see Pinkie was correct…" She actually sounded somewhat remorseful, not that it mattered. "I thought what I was doing would help you, Nav. It seems I was… mistaken. You were so uptight all the time, I thought… Well, I thought wrong, as it turns out. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Let. Me. Go."

"…I see. I will… attempt to make amends, Navarone. And I shall start by fixing your clothing to match your new body." With that last announcement, she let me go and I left without a word and without looking back.

…I saw her later, though, when she was doing something else. Double black eyes that she tried to cover up with makeup and it looked like her lip had been busted open.

I don't think it was a fair trade.

This forced vegetarianism was really starting to get on my nerves. Yes, it's pretty healthy. And yes, the ponies have some excellent cooks that know how to do some wonderful things with plants and tofu. But I was really, really craving a steak, or some beef jerky, or just anything, really.

With that in mind, and with Rarity in my dresser, I grabbed my crossbow—I was getting much better with it, now that I actually had a chance to do some practicing—and started off towards the forest that all the ponies seemed to fear.

Now, I'm not a professional hunter or anything, but I have killed deer in the past. I've also seen them skinned, though I've never done it myself. But I was hungry, dammit, and a cookout sounded good. Fluttershy lived close enough to the woods that I could borrow some fire making device from her to start a blaze to cook whatever I killed on. What's the worst that could happen?

Two hours later, I was really, really thinking about changing my policy on ideas that I preface with 'what's the worst that could happen.' Manticores absolutely do not like people encroaching on their hunting grounds.

Coincidentally, I found out why all the ponies are afraid of the forest. There are some really terrible things living there. I saw all manners of nasties that I almost shot, but then tried to imagine myself eating them and said fuck it.

Where was I? Oh yes, getting chased by a pissed off manticore. I don't suggest it; they are very, very fast. The only thing that saved me was the fact that we were in a forest so it couldn't go full tilt after me. Despite that, there were way, way too many close calls for my liking. Several trees I ducked around were destroyed with very sharp claws, and occasionally some manner of animal instinct caused me to suddenly jump ahead, only to hear a short pounce and a very annoyed cat-like yowl right behind me.

It was discomforting, to say the least.

I don't even know where I was trying to go, at that point. I was just running like crazy, through all manner of odd environs. I passed a few openings full of flowers that I avoided, not wanting to give the critter any kind of advantage of level terrain. I saw a mountain stretching in the distance at one point, but I did my best to keep away from it; wings wouldn't do me any good against something that was born with its own set. I think I even saw a swamp peeking through the trees before I turned and jetted away in the other direction; a swamp wouldn't do either of us any good.

Knowing that most animals in this place are at least sentient, even if unable to talk, I tried reasoning with the fellow as I ran. "This is all just a misunderstanding! I'm just an explorer! Why are you trying to attack me?"

The only response I got was a very agitated roar, accompanied by a beast with a renewed plan of murder. _Man, maybe I should have just shot this bastard._ I decided then to do just that, whenever I got the chance.

Which came sooner than I expected. The thought had barely left my mind when I hit the edge of the forest. I sprinted on a few more meters and almost tripped; I was so used to jumping over roots and whatnot that when no more came I was surprised. I knew I had seconds to react, so I did my best to load the crossbow as fast as I could and bring it to bear.

I just barely managed to get it aimed, just in time for a very loud "No!" to disturb my aim and send the bolt skittering through the forest. If the manticore also hadn't been stopped by that cry I would have been completely boned. As it was, I managed to force my weary legs to jump high enough for my wings to take effect, and tried to get as far away as possible from that bastard before I looked to see who it was that almost got me killed.

_Of course, it would be Fluttershy._ That chick likes animals way, way too much. "Any reason you're trying to get me killed?" I yelled down at her.

Instead of answering me, though, she looked at the manticore and said some words to him. He sent a very, very rage-filled glance my way, gave a very loud harrumph, and ran back into the forest. I gingerly landed on my weak legs and waited for some manner of explanation.

"We know each other. What were you doing in the forest, anyway?" That, with a look at my crossbow.

"Exploring. That place is not fun. I don't suggest it as a vacation spot."

"You know, most of the paths are pretty safe; Zecora has some kind of agreement with some of the animals there to keep off the roads."

"Apparently that doesn't apply to that manticore; he was on a road when I ran into him."

"Yeah, her agreement doesn't hold with everything there. But if you _must_ go back into there, try not to lead any of the animals too far out. We all prefer them in the woods."

"I was about to attempt to kill this one when you interrupted my shot. If nothing else I would have given him a scar to tell stories about."

"It's more likely that you would make him angry enough to play with you before eating you."

"I'd rather go down with a fight than go down begging. At least if I had hit an eye it would have been a pyrrhic victory for him."

"That just doesn't seem like a good idea. Wouldn't it be better to try to befriend him?"

"As far as I'm concerned, by the time you're running for your life it's too late to become friends. Especially since he disregarded my attempt at peacemaking."

"Maybe he was just hungry."

"That wouldn't make me feel any better about getting eaten."

"You're so selfish, Navarone."

"If you're really worried about his eating habits, a pony would make a better meal than a human."

"Oh, no, he likes me too much to eat me."

"Shame. I wouldn't mind asking him to carve off a flank for me, on the side."

"…You wouldn't eat a pony!"

"Yeah, he probably wouldn't share…" I honestly don't know if she could tell if I was joking or not. I don't know if I was, either. I've heard a lot of good things about horse meat, but I don't know if that would transfer here. Besides, eating a friend would be awkward, and explaining that to Twilight would be hard.

"Were you planning on going back into the forest? I was going to visit Zecora, and I wouldn't mind the company."

I wasn't exactly in the mood to see the person that doomed me to life with Luna, but I consented; there was a good chance Rarity was still mulling over my clothing, and Fluttershy really didn't like going into those woods alone. For good reason. Hell, not like I had anything else to do. I cocked the crossbow again, just in case, and we set off into the forest.

While we were walking, I tried dabbing at some of the cuts I took across my body in my mad dash through the trees. I still wasn't wearing a shirt, and you run into all manner of nasty things out there when you aren't paying too much attention to where you're going. I was bleeding in several places across my chest, and my arms were really messed up. My legs fared a little better, but I could feel blood crusting in my leg hair. It was pretty nasty, but it wouldn't be enough to slow me down; I heal fast, and I've never gotten any infections or sicknesses. Still, I made a mental note to ask Zecora for some manner of healing poultice, or at least a bucket of water to wash the crust off.

I wasn't entirely reassured by Fluttershy's insistence that the roads were safe, and I found myself jumping at any sounds in the woods around us, dropping the conversation and my attempts to clean myself to aim at it and try to determine what it was. After that happened a few times, Fluttershy politely and very hesitantly asked me to knock it off, though not using those words. I relaxed, a little.

And our conversation was pretty routine. Just past experiences, stuff she had done with her animals and her friends, with me attempting to find any of my past experiences to add to hers that she would approve of. That list was relatively short; animals don't much care for me. I was, at least, able to tell her some of the shenanigans I got into with people from my school. I didn't socialize much, but I was incredibly well known as the wittiest guy there.

Then she started asking about my week as a pony.

"How was your dancing lesson with Pinkie Pie?"

_Which one, legal or not?_ was my first thought. Knowing what she meant, though, I said, "The showgirl outfit was unexpected. Why does she even have something like that?"

"She still has that thing? She got it from a border town a little while ago, while we were visiting some of Applejack's family. She used it in a disturbing dance number there…"

"I can certainly see why that would be disturbing," I muttered. I don't know if Fluttershy heard me, but I thought I saw her smile.

"Was she a good teacher, at least?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I didn't think she could be serious long enough, but she somehow did. She also managed to make it somewhat fun, which I also didn't think was possible. I was never much a fan of dancing, back when I had to learn. I'm not the best at it, mind, and it's still not my preferred hobby, but I'm better able to tolerate it now. Why, thinking about learning yourself?"

"Oh, no. I'm much too uncoordinated for that…"

"…You were a model for weeks because of how graceful you were."

"I… I also don't have a partner." That was almost whispered.

"Yes, I could see that being a bit of a problem. But I'm sure Pinkie Pie could teach you anyway, as the lead."

She looked down, and said "Probably."

Thinking back… Nah. It's Fluttershy.

The rest of the walk to Zecora's passed with little incident, though I did almost shoot a squirrel when he jumped out on the path. As soon as it saw me, the poor bastard squealed and dashed back into the forest. At least I didn't waste a bolt…

To translate for Zecora, because fuck you, "Hello Fluttershy, Navarone. What brings you to my home? And… when did you grow wings?" That last directed to me, I hope.

"A week or so ago. Think you can do anything about them, aside from chopping them off or forcing them into an unwanted commitment for what might possibly be an eternity?" Fluttershy gave me an odd look for that one. Zecora was, of course, unbothered.

"It looks like they're already in an unwanted commitment, if you are trying to get rid of them. I could cut them off, but that would be rather… inelegant. If you just grew them a week ago, why are you trying to get rid of them so soon? Surely the novelty has not yet worn off."

"The novelty wore off as soon as I tried to fall asleep and got a crick in my wings. But whatever; we're not actually here for that. I'm just along for the walk. Feel free to ask her why we're here."

It was made rather quickly apparent—politely, of course—that my presence was not wanted. No one said I had to leave, of course, but I thought it best if I took a look outside. I excused myself, and thought about hiding in the woods and stalking Fluttershy on the way back to spook her. I didn't, of course, but the thought was there…

For being super trusting, these ponies are getting rather paranoid. Twilight never did tell me why she went off to deal with Trixie. Then there was those two days. And now Fluttershy. I suppose it's not really my business anyway; I just like knowing what's going on. I went back to watching the woods and wishing I still had my lighter so I could burn the shack down. I know, I'm a bad person, but I'm okay with that.

Zecora had given me a bucket of water and a washcloth to clean myself a bit with, and I was doing that when I heard a rustle near the edge of the woods and before my mind could fully comprehend what it was doing I was aiming at it with my finger on the trigger. At that point I was very glad at some of the modifications I had done to the crossbow, including a set of iron sights to make sure I know where to aim it, and a guard to make sure the bolt goes in and goes out only when I want it to.

Good thing I automatically aimed, too; it was a cockatrice. However, it did not seem to be one that was hostile. It actually came out with its… arms, I guess, held up. The thing even had its eyes closed. I backed up to the door, keeping my eyes on the critter, and hammered the door with my elbow. "Fluttershy, I found a friend of yours…"

I wish I could say they came out to see a Mexican standoff going down, but in reality it was more me pointing a crossbow at something that obviously didn't want to have to defend itself. "What's going on?" Fluttershy asked, before seeing the cockatrice.

"Don't know. I reckon your buddy there wants some kind of help or something. I vote we tell it to fuck off." _Or let me shoot it…_

"He might have a hurt friend, though! We can't just let it suffer!"

"…Why not? Look, it's getting dark and we still have to get out of the woods. Do you really want to be wandering around this place in the flaming dark?"

"If it means helping an animal, I will! And if you're too afraid to go with me, then I'll go alone."

"Like hell you will. I think you're a fool for it, but never let it be said I don't stick my neck out for friends. Probably makes me a fool too, though. Too nice for your own damn good."

Zecora, who had been silent up to that point, said "Let me get you something for light…" With that, she walked back into her hut and brought out what looked to me like some glow sticks or something.

"While you're bringing us party supplies, you got any ecstasy stored in there? I wouldn't mind dropping some E while wandering around here." She didn't know what to say to that, so I dropped it. With that, though, we were off, wandering off path through some god-forsaken woods.

It was not a pleasant walk. I had managed to wash most of the blood off while waiting outside, but some of the scratches were burning. And the light from the glow sticks was eerie, casting an unholy radiance about us, sending shadows skittering in my peripheral vision, making me think we were constantly surrounded. And there were plenty of hazards to worry about underfoot as well; roots, bugs, the occasional snake that didn't bite but rather got in your way and twisted under your feet. Low hanging branches, spider webs, and all manner of things were in my way.

I was pissed at that damn cockatrice. And we had to follow him for a good clip into the woods, too.

And all that work just to save a damn pegasus that flew way off course. She was knocked out cold, and had some blood crusted on one of her wings. The poor girl was alive, though, which was better than nothing. So I guess it was probably a good thing that I didn't shoot the cockatrice, but whatever. It's also a good thing I didn't let Fluttershy go alone, because there's no way in hell she could have carried the pony into town alone. She wouldn't let me just tie a few vines to drag her with, so we had to figure out a way to carry her between us. It was interesting. We eventually just broke some saplings down, strapped the pegasus to them with some vines, and made a makeshift stretcher. It wasn't pretty and it barely worked, but I know some rednecks back home that would be proud. Then they would ask why I wasn't having sex with the horse next to me. Rednecks are weird.

Anyway, the cockatrice wandered off after pointing us in the right direction; he probably figured whatever debt he owed to Fluttershy was gone after he helped us find whoever this was. Good enough for me; I just didn't want to get lost—even more lost—in that forest. Still, my chances were pretty good, between the master animal trainer with me and my crossbow. If all else failed, there was a pretty good chance I could run off while whatever it was ate the wounded pegasus we were carrying. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I know.

Thankfully, though, the need never came up. We successfully made it out of the woods with little more than a few extra scratches on my part, and several burs covering Fluttershy. And what I assume to be a tic that was on me that was scraped off when we got to the doctor.

And on the way out, I learned it was a good thing I had avoided those large clearings full of flowers. Fluttershy described their effects. Basically, they do to you whatever the most embarrassing thing you can think of would be. I don't even want to think about what they'd do to me. Probably turn me back into a pony and—No! Stop thinking about those days!

The doctor was rather professional, and he was grateful that we managed to bring a waylaid flier in. After getting her stabilized, he looked us both over, professionally sterilizing all my cuts (which hurt like hell) and dealing with the tic. I was fighting fit, if weary. I unloaded the crossbow and decocked it, then quietly made my way out while he was checking over Fluttershy. I ghosted my way to Twilight's house, even though no one was out; the town was pretty well dark and empty by that time.

And then I found my bed occupied by a sleeping Pinkie Pie. I didn't even want to deal with that shit right then, so I just backed my way out of the room, opened a window, and slept out in the tree.

When I woke up the next morning, I remembered why I never, ever did that anymore: Every muscle in my body was complaining at me. And all the cuts I had were itching. Then I rolled over, not remembering that I was still in a tree, and went plummeting down, landing right next to Pinkie Pie, who had just walked out the door.

"Navarone, nice of you to dr—"

"If you finish that I'm going to hurt you," I groaned. I did a quick physical check, and thankfully found that while nothing was broken, the biggest of the cuts had broken open again. I then staggered to my feet, and tried to get inside before Pinkie Pie could remember why she wanted to see me. Almost, but no dice…

"You know, I was waiting up for you last night. Why didn't you ever come back?"

"I did. There was someone sleeping in my bed, so I went elsewhere to sleep."

"Somepony sleeping in your bed? I didn't see anypony there last night."

"She was very pink."

"Somepony masquerading as me, sleeping in somepony else's bed? Sounds like an impostor is trying to ruin my good name!"

"And you're certain that person in my bed wasn't you?"

"Oh, yeah, I was there too. I thought you meant some other pony!"

"Interesting. Well, I'm sure you had a good reason for it." With that, I turned back to the door. Before I could scuttle inside, I was answered.

"I did, actually. Where are you going?" _To get away from you_ is what I was thinking, and I was tempted to answer something about the blood, but instead I just waved her to continue. The lack of coffee in this world was starting to suck. "Why did you become a human again? I thought we had a deal!"

"If you're talking about the whole thing that happened at Rarity's place, I don't really think that counts. In fact, there are a lot of words I could use to describe that, and none of them involved a fair deal."

"That isn't what I was talking about at all! That was just for you. I'm talking about the dance studio!"

"…For me? Don't even lie. And that dance thing? I said I'd think about it. I did. I decided against it."

"You didn't like it?"

"I'm not that much of a fan of dancing."

"I meant what happened at Rarity's place."

"I told you there that I didn't and I meant it. I kind of figured the part where I told you I hated it and where I ran over Rarity would have given you the impression that I didn't."

"Yeah… She wasn't very happy about that. But after I told her about what you said, she took a second to think and decided to give you time to cool off. She was so sad that she wasn't able to make you feel better… Sorry that you couldn't get into it, Nav." She shrugged and a smile returned to her face. "So why are you covered in bandages?"

_Is this bitch serious?_ My eyes narrowed in anger, but she didn't seem to notice a thing._ God fucking damn I hate Pinkie sometimes. _"I went exploring in the forest yesterday. It didn't go well. I got chased by a manticore, had to be saved by Fluttershy, and then was forced to go on a hunt in the dark for a downed pegasus. It was a long day, full of thorns and trips."

"Is the pegasus okay?"

"As far as I know. She was fine when we left her with the doctor last night. She's probably still there if you really want to find out."

"Don't you want to know?"

"Not really. I kind of want to see if Rarity ever finished modifying my clothes, so I can get a shirt on over these damn bandages." I turned again to go inside, only to find myself getting dragged by my wings. Yet another disadvantage to them. "I take it I don't have much of a choice in the matter, do I?"

Answering would have required spitting my wing out and letting me get away, so she just plodded on. I sighed. We got a few odd looks from other ponies, but they all knew Pinkie Pie by now and they generally tried to avoid questioning anything that I was involved in.

Thankfully, the doctor wasn't that far from Twilight's house. I figured I could get him to check me over after falling out of the tree anyway. And after getting dragged to his abode.

The nurse sitting in front of the waiting room saw me get dragged in and remarked, "Usually the only ponies that get dragged in here are here for pregnancy tests…"

"She better not be pregnant. If she is, and I'm somehow the father, she better hold on to my wings tight before I slip away and hide for a few years."

Pinkie Pie finally spit my wing out. "We're just here to visit that pegasus he brought in last night."

"No, you're here for that," I said. "I'm here because I was literally dragged here. And while I am here, do you think you could get someone to look at some of my cuts? And make sure I didn't break anything when I fell out of the tree?"

"How did you fall out of a tree?" the nurse asked. "You have wings…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

The nurse shook her head, smiling, and led us to the room the pegasus was recovering in, where we found Fluttershy and the doctor. Fluttershy said, "Navarone, where did you go last night? You just disappeared on us!"

"I went home. I tried to go to bed, but there was a pink furry beast in my bed. So I had a brain fart moment and decided to sleep in the tree. That ended up with me on the ground, painfully, and I almost landed on Pinkie Pie. I don't think anything is broken, but I ripped open one of the bigger cuts." While I was telling Fluttershy that, Pinkie Pie was talking to the doctor about the chick we found.

The pegasus was light grey, with pale golden hair. Her cutie mark was… bubbles? What the fuck? I didn't really notice much about her last night, I was so fucking tired. I took a few steps closer to get a better look at her. The doc was saying something about being surprised she wasn't awake yet. I was peering closer to her face, when she suddenly popped her eyes opened and yelled "Hello!" right at me.

I jumped back and hollered something impolite. I bumped into a curious Pinkie Pie and almost knocked us both over. The patient sat up, laughing.

"Jesus, just give me a heart attack why don't you!"

"Yeah, she's awake," the doctor said. "How are you feeling, Derpy?"

I had heard that name before, somewhere… I caught a sight of the chick's face when she looked at the doc. _Ah, yes. The chick with the fucked eyes._ Derpy Hooves, I think it was. A mail carrier. Her eyes face different ways for whatever reason. She was very, very accident prone.

"Much better," she said, "now that I'm not trying to fly above a never ending forest of evil."

"Yeah, someone seriously needs to burn that fucking place down," I muttered.

My opinion on the matter was thrust aside, of course. I did my best to quietly extricate myself, but Pinkie Pie had to have had some kind of tracker on me, because every time I got near the door she gave me a look of pure malevolence that made me pretend I was just adjusting my stance. I don't know if I've said it before, but that chick can be really, really scary. I don't even know why she wanted me to stay; I had never met this Derpy Hooves chick before. All I had done was help Fluttershy carry her from the forest.

The doc was talking about boring things and I wasn't really paying attention, so I started concocting a plan to escape. Phase one was as such: "Look over there, a distraction!" And when that inevitably failed—wait, what? How did that work?

"What are we supposed to be looking at?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Just keep looking, you'll see it," I assured her, as I very, very quietly backed out the door, then bolted and ran. How the hell did that work? That wasn't supposed to work!

Now, I've heard stories about Pinkie Pie's ability to catch up to people that run away; she has somehow managed to keep up with Rainbow Dash at least twice, which is just something that isn't supposed to happen. She cannot, however, actually _fly_, unless she gets a device to help her. Thankfully, I can. And, as a test recently showed, I was able to stand on clouds, despite not being an actual pegasus. So as soon as I got out of the doctor's office, I took off and alighted on a low flying cloud to wait and see what would happen.

I mean, if she doesn't know where I'm at, she couldn't possibly catch me. I figured, you know, I could sort of chill out on the cloud for a few minutes and she'd lose interest. I had a lot of aches and pains to work out anyway, so it was a decent setup.

A few hours later, I was starting to wish I had just waited at the doctor. This chick was stubborn! Like, I knew she was manic depressive, but this was starting to get really, really scary. I was somewhat afraid of what might happen if I actually came down, at that point. She had probably asked everyone in the town if they had seen me at least once.

I was peeking over the edge of the cloud when a very chirpy—and dangerously loud—voice said from behind me, "Whatcha doing, Nav?" It was thankfully Rainbow Dash.

I very quickly turned and motioned her down. "Pinkie Pie is stalking me. Bitch is crazy! I know when she picks a day to hang out with you, she likes to be with you all day, but this is getting ridiculous! I've been up here for hours!"

"Yeah, she does that. She's very good at finding you, too. How have you managed to stay hidden for so long?"

"I stay out of sight. She is restricted mostly to two dimensions, the x and the y axis. I have the z axis to play with, now, and there's not much she can do with that."

"…what?"

"I can fly and sit on clouds. She can't. Break the line of sight with her and go straight up and she'll never be able to find you."

"She always manages to find me up here!"

"You stick near the ground, or in places she can get to, and she's able to watch you go to where you hide. If you can lose her for a second, and get to Cloudsdale or something, you're set. That doesn't mean she'll give up, though, apparently. What happens if she doesn't find me?"

"The last time she thought her friends ditched her, she went crazy. Literally. It was scary. Let's not find out."

With that, she made as if to push me off the cloud. "Wait! If you strike me down now, I will come back more powerful than you can possibly imagine!"

"…what?" Damn ponies.

"Look over there, a distraction!" I pointed, hoping it would work. She gave me that look women give men when we say something that we should be ashamed of even trying, and then kicked me off the cloud. I wish I could say she yelled something like "This is CLOUDSDALE!" but she didn't know that one either. "You Benedict Arnold!" I yelled as I fell, until I caught myself. By then, though, the damage had been done: I had been spotted. It was too late to run, and I'd just be caught and dragged back by Rainbow Dash if not by Pinkie Pie herself. Besides, Pinkie Pie had such a look of _joy_ at seeing me that I would probably feel guilty running from her. I looked up and saw that Rainbow Dash was peeking off the cloud, giggling. I sighed and descended.

"Where were you?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"I was looking for you. I stepped outside for some air, and when I went back you were gone."

"But if I was looking for you and you were looking for me, why did it take us so long to find each other?"

"Bad luck?" Holy God, she actually bought it. This chick is simple, man. "So, why were you looking for me?"

Without answering, she bounced off, then suddenly looked back. "Are you coming?"

This. Bitch. Is. Crazy. I followed. What other choice did I have? She was the Pepé Le Pew to my Penelope Pussycat. The only way to escape the madness was play along.

Which, as it happens, isn't always so bad. My only punishment for escaping her so long was having to help teach Fluttershy to dance. Though, it is a whole lot harder when you're a completely different species than the person you're helping. But Fluttershy wasn't wearing a showgirl outfit, which definitely reduced the awkwardness.

We muddled through it. And the reasoning of forcing me to be her partner was apparently because, as Pinkie Pie put it, "Duh, you're a guy!" My mention of using, say, Big MacIntosh, was shot down with "He doesn't know how to dance, silly!" I was somewhat tempted to offer to find Rainbow Dash, but that might raise questions.

All in all it wasn't that bad. It was odd, certainly, dancing with a pony as a human, but not the worst thing I had ever done.

The next day, I cheated and got all three of the fillies their Cutie marks. Yes, horrific, I know, but they were literally about to cut off some random part of my body for a 'surgery and/or doctor oriented Cutie mark.'

I shit you not.

Now, I don't think they were actually trying to hurt me. I just think they had no idea what pain is, never having known much of it themselves. Minor aches, yes, but until you have something either separated from your body or broken, you don't know what true physical pain is. I had some small surgery done back on Earth, just having an infected abscess removed, but that was painful enough, and I will never forget the sight of the doctor finger deep into my shin, blood welling up as he removed more and more of the infection.

These girls, though, had never felt anything like that; they had never even imagined what it would feel like. But when they found a specimen that suddenly had more extraneous extremities than usual, that were also possible to remove, they got an idea. They hadn't seen something with so many fingers and toes, aside from some of Fluttershy's critters, and she would never allow something such a that to take place.

They figured me for a better sport. My answer to that was hell no. They might not be crazy so much as ignorant, but I thought it was better to end that shit before they actually hurt someone else, or themselves.

To that end, this conversation happened:

"Alright, I'm tired of almost dying. I was told not to mention this, but the person that told me isn't the one getting chopped up. You want to get your Cutie marks? Here: Sweetie Belle, you're a singer. Trust me. Scootaloo, you're a scooter champ, or something to do with coordination or sporting. Trust me. Applebloom, you're some kind of decorator, be it costumes or just art. Trust me. Now focus on those and _please _stop trying to kill me."

"How do _you_ know what our Cutie marks are supposed to be?" Scootaloo asked.

"Because it's fucking obvious for everyone else. Those flaming tattoos are things you're good at and like doing, things you could see doing the rest of your life. A whole part of discovering who you are and crap."

"Are you sure?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"No, but if I were you I'd put a lot of time and effort checking it out. I'm pretty sure, which is more than you are at this point."

"Who told you not to tell us? We asked everypony for help getting our Cutie marks!"

"If I wanted you to know that, I would have mentioned it when I said I was told not to say. Just don't tell anyone who gave you the advice when you find your talents. Go now in peace, and learn who you really are."

It wasn't as simple as that, of course. Sweetie Belle was not much one for singing to crowds. Shy, in a way, I suppose. She also really, really wanted to be like her sister, for whatever reason. Applebloom didn't want to steal Sweetie Belle's thunder by becoming something akin to Rarity and she also wanted to be more like her sister, even though apples are boring. Scootaloo was somewhat disappointed that she wasn't a singer, but took the news the best of the three.

A bit of one on one counseling was needed for Sweetie Belle, so I started there and sent the other two off a bit to play around with what I told them.

"Alright, think about it this way: If you were a clothing designer, you would be in front of a crowd as much as a singer would be, just in a different way."

"What do you mean?"

"Your clothing, your work, your heart and soul would be on display for everyone seeing your designs. Fashionable clothing isn't made to be worn alone, it's made to be displayed. Crowds will see what you make, just as surely as crowds would see you singing. And they would know you just as well either way."

"But singing is just so much more personal!"

"Not hardly. Have you listened to half of what your sister says? She probably puts more personality in those dresses than most singers in my world put in songs. And you can be sure there will always be work for a good singer. Trust me when I say that this is probably what you need to do. Just do me the favor of trying it."

She tentatively agreed, still somewhat fearful of the idea. Imagine her surprise when she walked away from me to find Scootaloo already sporting a Cutie mark. Yeah, I'm a bad person, whatever. But I'm a bad person that gets results.

I very quietly bailed while they were still celebrating. There would probably be hell to pay when they inevitably broke trust and told everyone I gave them advice, but whatever; at least I still had all my toes.

"Navarone, you never cease to amaze me," Twilight said. "A surprise summoning, an amazing discovery. An interesting intellect, a new perspective. You managed to win all of our trust in an astoundingly fast time, and all of my friends became yours as well. You are a rodeo star, a dashing rogue, you made friends with two princesses, and young ponies apparently adore you. So why, then, are you incapable of following simple instructions?"

This was, if you hadn't noticed, part of the 'hell to pay.' I figured, you know, the fillies would wait at least a few days before accidentally spouting off about how I said so and so. Nope, they immediately went and celebrated by telling everyone that "Navarone helped us get our Cutie marks!" Note that at the time, only one of them even had the damn thing. Upon further questioning, instead of properly lying about how I helped them dance or some crap, they repeated most of the conversation, tactfully forgetting the part where I said 'don't tell anyone.'

There was now a queue of ponies lining up to make semi-angry/sideways pleasant remarks at me. Rarity and Applejack were first, of course, followed by Cheerilee, their teacher. I think Pinkie Pie just saw the line and figured that whatever it was for was worth it, and jumped in. And Rainbow Dash was also out there, for some reason. Maybe Pinkie Pie just attached herself to Rainbow Dash today.

"Well, in my defense, I did tell them not to tell anyone that it was me." Twilight didn't look very impressed by that. "I also had a good reason for telling them: They were asking if they could chop off a part of my body to try for a surgery Cutie mark. They were getting dangerous, and I didn't want to risk getting anyone hurt. This is safer." She still didn't look that happy, but I was winning her over. "It's not like I can undo it anyway. It would have happened eventually. Those damn tattoos don't show up unless it's what you're meant to do. Is it so bad that they were discovered from the advice of someone else, rather than on your own?"

That one struck home. She sighed. "I'm convinced, sadly. It's about time it happened, though. I will say that in your favor. Still, how are you going to convince the others?"

"I was planning on hiding and letting you do that. I can go out through the balcony, and be gone before they realize I left."

"I'm starting to think it's a good thing I accidentally summoned you; if you ever got a human pregnant, you would only show up after the kid was born and fully grown. Why are you the most dangerous species, again?"

"Because when you piss us off we fuck shit up, and we have no compunctions against doing it when we think we're right. You're probably right about the pregnancy. Well, good luck dealing with this one." I turned to go, but I was forcefully detained by magic. "Going to help me hide? Good idea!" _If only…_

So I spent the next half hour explaining myself to some angry ponies. Well, sort of angry. They all agreed, even if only after they spent their anger, that it was about time someone set those fillies straight. As it turns out, Pinkie Pie heard the line was forming up to yell at the human, but she wasn't told why, so she spent ten minutes yelling to me about her day. I just nodded strategically. Rainbow Dash just wanted to high five me for finally doing what needed to be done, which I thought was neat.

Thankfully, I know how to play people, and was able to get out of too much abuse from Rarity and Applejack. Cheerilee was another story, but I managed to guilt trip her away. I also avoided any promises of doing anything of that manner in the future, which was a decent bonus; I wouldn't, of course, unless I was in danger again, but it was good to know that I could. Not like I'd really need to; most of the younger kids here already had their Cutie marks, or their parents kept them away from me.

After that, things sort of died down for a while. I could give a day by day replay, but most of it was pretty similar. After much searching, I found that Applejack was making and storing booze, but since she never distributed it that I could tell, I didn't do anything. Besides, it had proven its use; as long as no one was drinking it, I was down with leaving it ready.

Fluttershy's dancing lessons continued, and I was typically her partner. Not my preferred activity, but it passed the time. And since we both had wings, Pinkie Pie found a few… interesting… things for us to try.

Spike kept up his crush on Rarity, for whatever reason. Maybe she looked tasty, and he was unable to completely separate love from hunger.

All three of the fillies ended up getting their Cutie marks.

And I kept practicing with the crossbow when I had nothing better to do. I was getting ridiculously good with it. No more accidentally becoming a pony for me, not if I could help it.


	11. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten—Bigotry and teeth related incidents

About a month after I got the little ones their Cutie marks, there was a knock on the door. Twilight was sitting in the library, stressing about something that no one should stress about. Spike was doing whatever he does in his time off. I was telling Twilight to chill and generally just laughing at her.

When the knock came, she used magic to throw me at the door. "IF YOU THINK EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS FINE, YOU CAN DEAL WITH THIS!" she screamed at me, and teleported up the stairs.

I picked myself off the floor and popped my neck. I opened the door. "Can I help you?" I asked the two sleazy looking pegasi standing there.

They looked at me with concern. "You're… you're bleeding," one of them said.

I rubbed my lip and looked at it. Yep, that's blood. "Yeah, I suppose I am," I answered. "So, what do you need?"

They looked at each other and then back to me. Without a word they both reached in and grabbed me and pulled me outside. Before I knew it I was facing back into the library and they were holding my wings.

"Yep," I heard one of them say. "He's a flier."

"Most definitely. And a very resilient one. Would be a great addition."

"I say we go for it," the first one said.

"Agreed."

Without another word they shoved me back inside and pulled the door shut. _Huh_. I began to walk back inside when someone knocked again. I turned to answer it. "Can I help you?" I asked them again.

"I believe you can, strange winged ape," one of them said. _Yellow flag one_. "You see, my friend and I are recruiters for a famous flight school called Vaudeville, and we would just love to have you there!" _Yellow flag two._

"Uh huh," I answered.

"Yup, that's right!" the other one said. "And at absolutely no cost to yourself, at that!" _Yellow flag three. And you're outta here!_

"I see," I said.

"We have all manner of interesting courses and lesson plans suited for creatures of all types!"

"You don't say."

"No, I _do _say," one of them said. "Or rather, I did say. Anyway, we think you would do great there!"

"Cool," I said.

They looked at me expectantly. The silence went on for a little while. One of them cleared his throat.

"…Well?" one of them finally asked.

"Not interested," I said, and started closing the door. A hoof blocked it. I opened the door slightly and slammed it closed. The hoof was still there. _Oh right, they don't even feel that_. I opened the door again and stared at them. The hoof disappeared and the smiles reappeared. One of them opened his mouth.

I slammed the door before they could move or say anything and turned back into the library.

Twilight was standing there with her horn glowing, giving me the third craziest look I had ever seen from her.

I turned around and opened the door and stepped outside. "Do tell me more," I said, closing the door behind me. I heard something crashing against the door. "In fact, let's walk and talk."

I led them off into the town. Normally the food I eat is provided by Twilight or is given in exchange for odd jobs, and I had pretty much no pony money to my name. I had enough for… well, at least I would be allowed inside most places. I led them to Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie lived and the Cake family did business. It was a bakery/diner type affair. Pretty nice place that specialized in desserts.

I saw the two pegasi behind me look at each other as we approached the building. One of them muttered something about 'real food.' "Have a seat," I told them. "I just need to talk to a friend of mine here and I'll be right back."

They moved to a table and sat down with a speed I haven't seen in a while. I went to find Pinkie Pie.

She found me first, as is her way. "Hiya Nav!" she yelled, popping out of some place she couldn't have possibly fit in. "What're you doing here?"

I made sure the two pegasi couldn't hear me. "I'm hiding until Twilight calms down," I told her. "Listen, you want to help me run two filthy Carnies out of town?"

She gave me a look. "What's a carnie?" she asked. "Is it like a… what rhymes with carnie?"

"Carnies are people that run carnivals," I said. Her eyes lit up. I grabbed her mouth before she shouted anything out loud. "Not _those _kinds of carnivals," I told her. She practically sank. "Freak shows and the like. These two tried to pretend to be representatives of a flight school to recruit me."

"Well that doesn't seem very nice!" she answered, peeking her head around to look at them. She pulled her head back. "But then, they don't look like very nice ponies…"

"Carnies are terrible people, yes," I said. "I'm going to see if I can get them to pay for lunch. If you want to make a buck, charge them extra for everything. And if you know where Rainbow Dash is, go get her."

"Psh, silly! Rainbow Dash is downstairs in the basement!"

_This place has a basement_? "Well, if you could bring her up here that would be great. I'm going to need her help to get the bastards out of town."

She put on a serious face and gave a perfect salute. She broke the illusion by giggling. She dropped the salute and trotted over to a side door that I had never noticed before. When she opened it I saw that it led down.

A blue blur shot out of the basement so quickly she was hiding behind me before I realized it was Rainbow Dash. "I didn't know you were afraid of the dark, Rainbow Dash," I said, looking at her.

She turned her fear-filled eyes over to Pinkie Pie, gulped quickly, and looked back up to me. "Yeah… dark…"

"Nav here needs your help with something, Dashie!" Pinkie Pie said in her cheerful tone.

Rainbow Dash gave a small look of thanks and stood up fully. "Whatever you need, Nav, I'm here for you!" Her eyes flickered over to Pinkie for a second and she got a bit closer to me to whisper, "As long as it takes me away from her for a little while…"

I patted her on the head. "You're going to help me run some Carnies out of town," I told her. "Right after they pay for lunch." Her eyes grew hard at the mention of Carnies.

"Carnies, eh?" she asked, a haughtiness entering her voice. "Two pegasi?" She described them further.

"Yep," I said. "Sleazy looking fuckers. Tried to recruit me by saying it was a flying school called Vaudeville. Stupid fucks don't know that's a human word too."

Rainbow Dash was wearing a very wide grin that replaced the horror. "I've met them before, Nav. They tried to recruit me because of my mane."

"…That's natural?" I asked. Well, hell, her mane was fucking _rainbow _colored. How was I supposed to know?

She kicked me in the shin.

After I got done hopping up and down for a moment, I said, "Fine. Just follow me out there and pretend you don't know them. After they pay, I'll ask you what you know about Vaudeville, their faces will drop, and between the two of us we'll throw them right the hell out. Sound fun?"

"Absolutely!" She looked at Pinkie again, then back to me. "And as payment, you're going to hang out with me all day!" I looked down at her. She was wearing a nervous smile. I turned to Pinkie, who was staring at Dash with a scary smile. I turned back to Dash, who was starting to sweat a bit. "Yep, _allllll _day."

I shrugged. "Fair enough, I suppose." I was suddenly wrapped in a very tight hug. "Yes, yes, I'm awesome. Hugs later, Carnie-kicking-out now. And hopefully free food."

I walked back into the main room with Rainbow Dash behind me. The dirty fucks at the table stopped talking as soon as I came into view and flinched when Rainbow Dash stepped in behind me. One of them put on a really bad poker face.

When Rainbow Dash didn't say anything, they seemed to sag. I sat at the table. "Well," I said.

They continued making things up about the 'school.' Pinkie came out wearing a ridiculous French maid outfit that I had never seen before and never wanted to see again but caught the eyes of all three of my companions. Thankfully, the Cakes still served some of that human food I taught Pinkie how to make. She took orders and departed, swishing her tail slightly and waggling her hindquarters quite a bit more than I thought was necessary.

I looked up and noticed six wings spread out fully as each of them watched her depart. I sighed. "Okay, as the only one here who has actually hit that," I said, "stop watching her. She's a freak, yes, but please!"

Rainbow Dash turned to look at me so fast her neck popped. I saw a blush creeping down her face. The other two were slower in returning their gazes. "Now," I said, leaning in a bit. "Tell me a bit more, would you?"

They did with glee. They thought they were going to get a new freak to show off, after all.

Pinkie came back in a few moments later, still wearing that ridiculous French maid outfit. She dropped off the plates and whatnot, but dropped Rainbow Dash's spoon. Somehow it landed a few feet behind her. "Oops, silly me!" she giggled. She turned around and very slowly bent over to pick it up, swishing her tail aside and that's when I decided to stop looking. I turned back when she was back up. "I guess I'll just have to… _clean it off_ for you," she whispered seductively, slowly licking the spoon clean before I turned away again. _Okay, what the fuck, Pinkie? I mean, seriously!_

She set the spoon down and walked away the same way she did before. Rainbow Dash's small blush had turned into a fully-fledged one, and I was starting to think she could pass as a smaller body double for Big MacIntosh. I ahemmed rather loudly. I heard one of the two carnies whisper to the other, "We need to come to Ponyville more often!"

We all began to eat quite heartily after that. There was little talking. We all heard Pinkie before she began to come down again and the two carnies and Rainbow Dash were looking to the door with a hopeful expression.

And in walked Pinkie Pie.

In full dominatrix gear.

Their mouths dropped. All three of them. I just looked on impassively.

Pinkie glared. "You better have my money," she growled, cracking a whip _somehow_. The two carnies looked at each other. One looked terrified. The other got a disturbingly excited look on his face. I heard Rainbow Dash gulp.

"You guys are covering this, right?" I asked them. The terrified one turned his gaze to me while the excited one looked to Pinkie, who had pulled out another—_Oh my God what is that?_

Now I was gaping. The terrified one saw my look and slowly turned his gaze back. He let out a very, _very _scared sound and dropped his entire coin purse on the table and dragged his friend out despite his protests. Rainbow Dash turned to follow them but I grabbed her tail before she could get anywhere. She fell on the floor and decided to go into a fetal position.

Pinkie Pie dropped all of her… _things_, and joined me at the table. "Well, Nav?" she asked, giggling.

I opened the coin purse and dumped it on the table. "Enough for lunch," I said. "And quite a nice tip besides." I stood and bowed slightly. "You were an excellent waitress, my dear," I told her, standing up straight again.

She answered me with a giggle and "Any time, Nav! And if you ever want to… well, you know!"

I dropped my smile. "Maybe later…" She was looking at me with a disturbing intensity. "Maybe, but probably not." She sighed lightly, and turned her gaze to Rainbow Dash. I followed it. "Come along, Rainbow," I said, "We have to make sure those carnies are gone."

No answer.

"Look, Dashie," I said. She flinched at Pinkie's nickname for her. "I remember my deals. Let's go." Nothing. I grabbed her tail and began to drag her out. She started making little noises as soon as she was turned to face Pinkie. I looked back to see Pinkie smiling at me and waving. I shrugged and turned around. The noises began again. I didn't stop.

Well, I did stop and turn around at the door. "Pinkie?" I said.

"Yes, Nav?" She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Go change before Mrs. Cake sees you and has a heart attack."_ Or Mr. Cake sees you and reconsiders his marriage._

She blinked and her smile dropped for a second before returning full force. "Okie dokie lokie!" I dragged Dash out the rest of the way.

When we got outside I picked Rainbow Dash up—which was hard, given how heavy she was. "Now, let's go hunting carnies," I said when she was back on her feet. I looked around. They were nowhere to be seen. "Well, this sucks."

Rainbow Dash suddenly flinched. I heard her muttering to herself. I let her have her moment. After a few seconds, she nodded. "Alright, let's go!" she finally exclaimed. She looked back at the shop and flinched slightly. "Away from here," she whispered, and shuddered.

We were walking for a few minutes looking for them, talking. "I don't care why the Cakes let her do stuff like that," I was saying, "What I want to know is, _where the fuck does she get that stuff?_ I mean, a dominatrix suit? _Really_?"

Rainbow Dash was looking less and less enthusiastic with each word. "Look, Nav, I don't really want to tal—There they are!" Her enthusiasm returned when we saw the two carnies talking to each other near the library.

We walked up to them and heard them talking. "I'm telling you man, this place is _crazy_! Let's just cut our losses and get out of here!"

"And _I _say we forget the weird ape thing and take the pink mare instead!"

The other one rolled his eyes. "Ever since Trixie left you've been trying to find somepony else to abuse you like that. I'm tired of it!"

This was getting into things I didn't want to hear. I cleared my throat and saw them looking up at me with fear.

"Oh, hello!" the one with the bad poker face said. "We were just talking about you!"

"I see," I answered. "Tell me, what was the name of your school again?"

Their eyes flicked to Rainbow Dash and then back to me. One of them gave off a little laugh and answered with a sheepish tone, "Tuskegee Institute…" _Seriously_?

Bad poker face is _bad_.

"_Really_?" I said. "Because I think I remember you calling it something else earlier. Tell me Rainbow Dash, you know everything about flight schools in Equestria, right?"

She smiled and nodded eagerly.

"Have you ever heard of a place called Vaudeville?"

Her smile diminished a bit. "Can't say that I have, Nav." The carnies looked at each other. She continued, "At least, not in a _flying school_ kinda way. I have heard of Vaudeville, though." She looked at the two carnies, who were starting to sweat bullets. "It's a traveling carnival that recruits all manner of weird things to use as entertainment. I'm sure these two refined gentlecolts wouldn't be from _that _Vaudeville, though," she finished with a sweet smile.

I heard one of the two carnies gulp as the turned their gaze back to us. "Well, Mr. Ape sir," one of them said, "It really has been a pleasure! But I see you're a busy… thing… and we think you might not quite be what we wanted!"

The other continued, "We'll just be on our w—" My hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat. The other fellow took off immediately. I waved Rainbow Dash down while I dragged this fellow closer. It was fucking _hard_, too; these ponies are strong as hell.

I leaned my face in close since I couldn't pick this guy up. "I may be a freak, but at least I'm not an asshole." I snarled. "Get the hell out of my town, you filthy fucking carnie." I let him go and he took a deep breath before flying the fuck away.

I turned to Rainbow Dash, who finally decided to stop holding in her laughter. "Well, what now, Dashie?" I asked her. She suddenly found a reason to stop laughing when I said that.

She looked around herself with suspicion and flinched when she saw something. I turned my gaze that way and saw Pinkie waving and smiling again. I waved back and turned to Dash, who was now hiding behind me.

"Let's go flying, Nav…" she whispered, peeking around me.

"Aright," I answered. "I could always use the practice." The rest of the day was spent chilling with Rainbow Dash. It was pretty alright.

When I got back to the library, I found Spike sitting on the front steps. "Well?" I asked.

He shook his head.

I walked up behind him and opened the library door just in time to see a book flying at me. I slammed the door shut and heard a loud thud.

I joined Spike on the steps. "Applejack?" I finally asked.

"Applejack," he answered. I lifted him on my back and we started off to Applejack's farm. She always had spare beds, and was always willing to let a friend borrow one as long as we didn't fuck anything up while there. Most of her beds were small for me, but then most of all the beds in this world were small for me.

We made good time to the farm, and when I knocked on the door Applebloom merrily answered with all her usual fanfare at seeing me. Namely, a running jump hug that knocked me back a few feet.

Yeah, she was really happy that I helped with her cutie mark.

I set Spike down and asked, "You guys mind if we borrow a bed or two?"

She nodded, "Just gotta ask Applejack or Granny Smith!" She sprinted back inside. _Too much energy._

Applejack came to the door. "What're y'all two doin' here?" she asked with her typical southern twang. "Don't y'all have your own beds?"

Spike and I looked at each other. He nodded to me. I answered, "Twilight is having one of her little breakdowns. I dealt with that shit for a few hours and Spike dealt with it for a few more hours. Neither of us want to deal with it anymore. Can we borrow a bed or two?"

She looked at us both. Spike did his best to look downtrodden and as baby-ish as he could. She finally rolled her eyes and sighed. "But if Twilight comes to claim y'all, you ain't gonna get a lick of help from any of us."

"Thanks, AJ," I said. "Today has just been a really weird day." She shook her head, letting us both in.

The next morning, I woke up to a filly on my back. "Dafuq?" I muttered, turning over to see what was standing on me.

I heard a loud "MEEP!" and then heard something tumble to the floor.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes and then looked down. "Applebloom, why are on you on the floor?" I asked.

She looked up at me with her evil sad face. "Because you knocked me down!" she whimpered, sticking her lip out slightly.

I was too tired this time to be affected as I had been the last… well, several times. _Holy fuck, I must be really tired_. "Well," I said, "I hope you learned your lesson." I turned back over and closed my eyes again.

I immediately opened them when I felt her back on my back. She jumped up and down a few times. I curled into a ball. She continued jumping, inured to my plight.

"You gotta get up, Nav!" she yelled. "Twilight's here to get you!"

"Fuck that shit," I moaned. "She's just gonna throw stuff at me some more!"

She stopped jumping. "What do those words mean?"

_How has she never heard me say them before_? "They mean things little fillies shouldn't know about," I said. "Now get out and let me sleep." I imagined she rolled her eyes, which I would have found amusing if I had my eyes opened. I heard her clop down to the floor.

"Fine," she said. "But you're gonna get it!"

I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything when Twilight came up five minutes later, either. "Get up, Nav," she said. I popped an eye open. Seeing Twilight, I slammed it closed. "I'm not going to ask again. We have work to do!"

"How did you even find me?" I groaned.

"Pinkie Pie knew where you were," she said. "Now get up and stop intruding on Applejack."

Fucking Pinkie Pie. I rolled over, turning my back to Twilight.

She sighed. I felt something yank at my wings, dragging me off the bed. I hit the floor and didn't move. "I'm not going to drag you all the way back to the library, Nav," she said.

"Good, that means you'll give up and let me sleep some more."

"No, that means I'll do what it takes to make you get up now so I don't _have _to drag you back."

I didn't like the sound of that. "Fine!" I said, pushing myself to my feet. "I have a bed at the library too!"

She nodded, smiling. "That's better! Now, where's Spike?"

I shrugged. "Next door, I guess."

She rolled her eyes. "Come on then, Nav. Your first task of the day is to get Spike up."

"Aww, do I _have to_?" She looked at me with a bit of fierceness until she realized I was just being difficult. "Jeez, Twilight, chill the fuck out. You are way too uptight, lass. I swear you need to get laid or something!"

Her eyes opened wide and she blushed so red I immediately thought of Rainbow Dash. I just shook my head, smiling, and went to look for Spike.

I found him where I predicted. "Yo Spike, time to wake up," I said, poking him.

He groaned and swatted at me.

I was not amused. I bent down to his… ear? I think it was his ear, it was hard to tell with all the little spine things jutting off his head. "Psst, Rarity's here," I whispered to him, and quickly pulled back and did my best to look nonchalant.

He jumped right out of bed. "WHERE!"

I looked at him, confused. "Where what, Spike?"

He looked at me with madness in his eyes. "I heard somepony say Rarity was here!"

The confusion turned to concern. "You're hearing things, man," I said. "Or maybe it was just a dream. Either way, we gotta go. Twilight's here and she's decided to stop having a fit. Time for us to earn our meals."

He looked at his warm bed. His warm, full-sized bed—at Twilight's library he sleeps in a basket. He turned back to me. "Do we _have to_?"

"Yep," I answered, picking him up and slinging him over a shoulder.

I felt his elbows go to my back, and I imagined he was propping his head up. "Things were so much easier back in Canterlot," he reminisced. "Whenever Twilight would start to have a fit, Princess Celestia would just come by and calm her right down…"

I started to walk out the door. "Between you and me, Spike, Twilight needs to get fucking laid." Between him and me and Twilight and all of the Apple family, actually: They were all standing in the hall when I said that. "Oh uh… Hi guys!" I said, setting Spike down.

Twilight was looking at the floor, turning even more shades of red. Big Mac was wearing a silly little grin, looking at the wall. Applejack was alternating her gaze between me and Twilight, cracking up. Applebloom was looking at me with confusion. Granny Smith was wearing her own little smile, staring at me with an intensity I wasn't quite comfortable with. And Spike was just plain laughing his ass off.

"So Applejack… Can I borrow that bed for a few more nights?" I sheepishly asked. Applejack finally burst out laughing.

Applebloom finally asked, "What's… laid?"

Now Granny Smith was cracking up.

"You know what," I said, "I think I'm just going to stay with Rainbow instead…"

Twilight sighed and grabbed me and the still laughing Spike with magic and dragged us back to Ponyville.

In early July, I shattered some teeth. Well, it wasn't actually me that shattered them, but they were my teeth. Honestly, I'm just lucky my entire jaw wasn't broken…

I was playing hoofball—football—with the extended Apple family and a few other friends when Applejack pretty much bucked me right in the face. I went flying backwards, dropping the ball. My head felt like it had been put through an engine block, and I was spitting up enough blood that it looked like I had just bitten a chunk out of someone.

After hundreds of apologies and a quick trip to the doctor, I was diagnosed with a serious case of missing half of my teeth. And a concussion, but that wasn't really permanent. Given my diagnosis, I was proscribed a trip to the dentist.

Colgate.

Colgate… I haven't written about my past experience with her, because she scares me. The first time I went to her—to get a specialized toothbrush—she freaked the fuck out over my canines. I didn't know if she was aroused or terrified or both. I just know that me getting a toothbrush turned into me getting hit with a lot of laughing gas and not remembering what happened next. I woke up with my teeth shined to perfection and a minty taste that didn't leave me for a few days. I also had a toothbrush and a card that said 'call me' on it.

Ponies don't have phones. I avoided her from then out.

Sadly, that wasn't exactly an option right now. My teeth were fucked and I needed them fixed. Thankfully, Applejack agreed to sit with me, since it was her fault my teeth were busted. We got to Colgate's… I hesitate to call it an office, but I guess that's the closest word for it. There was no line, since it would take a foolhardy person to visit her more often than they needed.

Colgate was sitting at the front desk, wielding a large, bright smile towards the door. She was a light blue unicorn, and had a darker blue and white mane. I stopped when I stepped inside, afraid to go any farther, but Applejack pushed me in. "Ya gotta get your teeth fixed, Nav. Even if it's by… Colgate!" AJ had just gotten in and saw her staring at us with that smile. "Uh. Hi. Nav here has some broken teeth and we were hoping you could fix him up." She sounded a bit uncertain.

Before either of us could react, Colgate was across her desk and pulling me to her back room. "I'll have to take a look, but I should be able to fix him right up. Anything for my _favorite _patient!" AJ moved to follow us, but Colgate said, "You just wait out here, now. I'll take _gooood _care of him!"

I looked imploringly at AJ. She saw my look and said, "I don't suppose you'd mind if I watched, would ya? I uh… I want to see what happens?" Applejack is easily the worst liar I have ever seen. This was one of the only times I ever saw her even try to say something that wasn't true.

Colgate shook her head. "Don't you worry about him a second. I'll just take a look-see and have him back out in, oh…" She looked me up and down and her smile somehow grew wider. "An hour or three."

"Three hours?!" AJ sputtered. "Why would it take that long?"

"Well, if his teeth are busted out, I'll have to regrow them! And since they're broken, I'll have to file them down so they won't be jagged." This was sounding worse and worse, and my wings drooped. "I mean, if he can't even talk, surely it's pretty bad." I sighed. She saw the state of my wings and said, "Cheer up, Nav! I'm sure I can keep you distracted through the excruciating pain." My eyes widened as she yanked me the last step and slammed the back door behind me.

Before I could recover she threw me onto a chair made for ponies and lowered it back, leaving my upper body to dangle onto the floor. "Oh yeah, forgot about that!" She pulled an ottoman from somewhere and put most of my upper body on it, letting my wings dangle under me. "Now let's get a look at tho—Sweet Celestia!" She had my mouth open, looking at what was left of my teeth. "How did this even happen?" I tried to say something, but nothing articulate came out. "AJ bucked you in the mouth? That was rude of her!" Well, I didn't think it was anything articulate. I guess she can understand mouth-open speak.

She poked one of the remnants of my teeth with some tool or something and I flinched. "I bet that hurt, huh?" _What the fuck kind of doctor are you?_ I gurgled as much. "Oh, I never went to a medical school. I'm not a doctor!" I think my pupils shrank at that, and I tried to push my way up but she threw me back down with magic. "You have to sit still for the dentist, silly! Now let's see, how did that spell go again?" She left me struggling in the chair and walked over to a table. She picked up a book and walked back over. I saw the title was Dentistry for Dummies. _Who even makes something like that? _"Ah!"

Her horn lit up and she bent it down to my mouth. I squeezed my eyes shut, expecting a massive amount of pain. I felt nothing. I hesitantly opened one eye to see her sitting back, watching me with a smirk. "Psh, did you really think I would use a spell that hurt you while you weren't even sedated?"

"Hng?"

"That spell is painless. Your teeth should be back in an hour or so. I wasn't lying about having to file them down, though. We won't actually use a _file_, mind, but it'll probably be uncomfortable." I gurgled something. "Because the look on your face was priceless!" I gurgled something else. "Oh, no. I'm still going to do _that_. I just wanted to see your face before I started." My eyes widened before the gas mask was forced over my face. I had time to struggle before I was completely out.

I woke up to find myself on Applejack's back. She was carrying me somewhere. I lifted my head and noticed that I actually had all of my teeth. "Oh good, you're finally awake." AJ stopped to let me stand. I stumbled a bit, my head still dizzy.

"What… what happened?"

"That crazy dentist did something to your teeth. I saw they were all back, but some of them looked a bit… different."

My eyes widened and I started poking at my teeth. They all felt mostly right, but the canines… They were sharper for some reason. I said, "She made my canines sharper."

"Canines? You have dog teeth?"

"Ah, no. That's just what they're called."

"Why do you have sharp teeth anyway? You don't need teeth like that to eat our food!"

"Uh… They're so we can crack open fruits and nuts easier." Bold-faced lie.

"Oh. Huh. Well, you think you're good to get home? I need to get back to helpin' the family."

"Yeah, I'm good. Thanks for looking after me."

"Hey, it was my fault you were out of it anyway. I'll try to be more careful next time." I waved her off and continued back to the library. _Well, now I have sharper teeth. Fun._


	12. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven—The Gala

Things got a bit more awkward when Twilight and her friends were all invited to some event called the Grand Galloping Gala. The ponies sure like their bloody alliteration… Anyway, none of the friends really wanted to go, and after hearing their reasons I agreed. However, Twilight felt it was her responsibility to be there, and decided to drag me along for whatever reason. Bloody women, man.

After some exhaustive preparations that went above and beyond what was probably required, we were off. Since it was just the two of us, and neither of us really wanted to be there, we didn't go all out on the transportation. I had heard that the last time they went, they used a bloody pumpkin carriage or some crap. We just got a ride from a palace chariot the day before and stayed at Twilight's old room so we could walk to the Gala the next day.

"Remind me again, why am I here?" I asked her, as we sauntered up to the front doors.

"A few reasons. One, so I wouldn't be alone if it came down to that. Two, your presence was requested in a letter I received. Three, I want to see how immune you are to the impromptu song magic that happens occasionally." My wings twitched at the second two reasons. I didn't much like the sound of them.

"Would it be chill if I just sort of hung out in the garden all night? I've heard it's pretty nice, if the animals don't hate you."

"Nope, you're going to be right where I can keep an eye on you. I don't know if I'd trust you loose in a room full of some of the most influential ponies in Equestria."

"You still don't trust me yet?"

"It's not that I don't trust you, but rather that you've already managed to befriend both princesses. Any more powerful friends and I might not be able to abuse you so much."

"Yes, and that would just be such a travesty."

"Shush, we're where ponies can hear us now!"

"The only people that will be listening are the servants. You can bet most of them are in someone's pocket, and some probably report to several people. The rich care too little to listen to the likes of us. Most probably won't even notice me, since I'm not something that's supposed to be in their world."

"Wouldn't that draw more attention to you?"

"Two possibilities: One, that I'll be completely unnoticed unless something happens to bring attention to me. Two, I'll be the center of attention the whole time. And since no one is even looking our way, I'm pretty sure the first will be true." Now, that wasn't entirely true. We were getting several sidelong looks, but no one actually addressed me. Most probably knew about me by now; I had been in their world for almost a year at that point, and had been at the palace once as a personal guest of the princess and the center of a decently sized sporting event. I suspected that if I ever found myself alone during this party, I wouldn't stay that way for long.

I wasn't specifically given a ticket, but since none of Twilight's friends came along, I was given one of theirs. It was enough to get me in, though I was given an odd look by the servant watching the door.

When I got inside, I was somewhat astonished by the changes in the palace. When I had been here before, it was quiet, regal, subdued. Now, though, it was boisterous and bright, full and fabulous. We made our way to meet the host, Princess Celestia. She didn't look overly surprised to see me, and made little comment on it. Twilight had learned her lesson from the previous year, though, so we didn't crowd Celestia for very long.

We weren't away from her for five minutes before another servant approached us with a plate of drinks balanced on a hoof. How he was walking on three feet and serving, I don't know; I tried doing something like that as a pony and it didn't work well. Anyway, he somehow discreetly slipped me a note, which I thought was neat, seeing how he did it. The note was somewhat disconcerting:  
_ Meet me where we first discussed the exile in 30 minutes – C_

It raised a few questions. First and foremost, how the hell did she write a letter if she didn't have hands and was constantly talking to courtiers? Second, what did I do this time?

Breaking off from Twilight was no problem. I just started a conversation with a nearby unicorn about magic and let the two of them duke it out while I silently slipped away. For a guardian, Twilight was ranking about as well as the parents from Rugrats.

While I waited in the sitting room, I sipped at the sweet punch, trying to think of what Celestia might want. My best guess was something involving Luna. I didn't really want to come in the first place, and if Celestia wanted to send me away I wasn't going to say no.

I was starting to wonder if I should just save everyone some time, leave a note, and bugger off back to where we were staying the night, when Celestia finally showed up.

I opened my mouth to greet her, but was interrupted with "You're not supposed to be here."

Instead of saying what I was going to say, I responded, "Yes, I'm supposed to be in fucking college. But sometimes life doesn't go as planned."

"Sorry, I know that was rude. But why are you here? There was a reason you weren't sent a ticket, a reason you were supposed to be smart enough to understand!"

"I understand just fine. Good luck getting any sense into Twilight's head without telling her things she doesn't need to know. Besides, I heard Luna doesn't even come to these bloody things."

"Normally, no. But servants talk, and word has probably reached her by now that you are here."

"Even with these damnable wings I can still fit through this bloody window. Just say the word and I'll be gone."

"No, I have something… different… in mind."

"I also have the option of just chilling here for a spell. I mean, she's considerably more likely to look in the party areas than she is to look where no one is supposed to be." I was trying to avoid the solution I feared she had in mind.

"I'm sure you were seen by somepony on your way here. She would very likely find you eventually. Besides, what would we tell Twilight?"

"That I was disrupting the party with my humanness?"

"That will be a good excuse. Remember that one. Now, take your clothes off."

"Look, Princess, I know you've been alone for a long time…" The look she gave me could kill a lesser man. I sighed and did as she asked. "This isn't going to work, you know. I'll still be a bloody blank flank."

"Not if you're wearing a cape. And I can magic up a little something, for good measure; it won't be permanent, but it will do what we need it to. You are going to make Twilight's night."

When the change was done, and she had sent a servant to get some clothing, I began to see what she had in mind. "Oh, I hate you."

"I know."

"You realize that this is highly unnecessary, right?"

"Probably, but it will definitely liven up this otherwise dreadfully dull party."

"Have I told you recently how much I hate you?"

"You've mentioned it, yes."

"You're lucky I'm good at faking accents." A few minutes later, "This will never work…"

"Twilight mentioned you taking some dancing lessons. How good did you get?"

"I got good at dancing with a pony as a human. Dancing with a pony as a pony will be different, mind, but I did get some practice with it in the last time I was a bloody pony."

Before I go into detail about the rest of the very interesting night, I want to explain what the hell was going on: Celestia dressed me up as a Zorro of ponies. Large rimmed black hat, a black mask, a long black cape, and she did something to me to give me a "Z" cutie mark, bordered by smaller question marks. How she knew who Zorro was I don't know, but it was an interesting setup she got for me.

"Now, what's the purpose of this again?" I asked, right before she left to rejoin the party.

"Do you know how boring these parties usually are? This will provide hours of entertainment, especially if Twilight doesn't realize who you are."

"You are a terrible person and you should feel ashamed."

She smiled. "Then I guess it's a good thing I'm a pony, not a person." With that, she went back and left it up to me on how I would make my glorious entrance. _I have got to stop letting this happen_. Then an even funnier thought occurred to me: Does Celestia know that Zorro was usually a rebel? I was very tempted to get some revenge on her by going after Luna instead of Twilight, but figured that would probably end badly for me. I was even more tempted to go after Celestia herself, but that could end in a very bad way, for more than one reason.

_I am so going to hate myself after this…_ followed by _I am not at all this kind of person_ followed by _Oh God why am I doing _this followed by several litanies of hate, against Twilight for bringing me here, Luna for requesting me, and Celestia for making me do this. The last thought was _Fuck it, take it like a band aid._

With that, I somewhat arrogantly burst through the front door, turning more than a few interested heads my way. Several of those faces turning my way soon had dropped jaws. There was one fellow, the dude I assumed was Prince Blueblood—Rarity's _him_—looking at me very, very hotly. I figured it wasn't often that someone as handsome as himself showed up, even if I still found it hard to believe I was even slightly passable. Before anyone could think to enquire anything about me, I cast my gaze slowly about the room, silently daring anyone to speak out against me. Blueblood saw my challenge, thought better about saying anything, and went back to his conversation about himself to some random bored looking female unicorn.

In my half glance, I noticed several things. One, that Luna had indeed joined the party, and was apparently searching for me; she had commandeered an unhappy looking Twilight and was roaming the hall, looking quite like a lost puppy. A few people were half-heartedly attempting conversation with her, but her dispirited answers didn't inspire total confidence, and thus she was for the most part left alone. Celestia was back on her landing, greeting courtiers as they came up. The line stalled a bit as I walked in, but soon continued along. The background music continued playing with nary a pause, though several musicians did look up as I entered. I caught the eye of one, a haughty, dark grey cello player with purple eyes, and nodded slightly to her as a gesture of common working-pony respect. She surprisingly returned it, though almost imperceptibly. I knew that was an alliance I could use soon.

I was in an unfamiliar element dancing to tunes my feet did not know. It felt wonderful. I was finally back into the mix, back into the unfamiliar, making split second judgment calls that would either make or break me, depending on charisma, luck, and sheer audacity to see me through the night. _It's good to be alive._

I gave a half laugh to myself, and sauntered inside. It was going to be a long night and I officially _did not exist_! I could not screw anything up no matter how badly I failed, because as soon as this ended I would disappear into the night, never to be seen again. _Unless I end up dead, and what are the chances of that_? My eyes flicked to Luna again. _Maybe more than I think._

I casually mixed through the crowd, exchanging pleasantries with unsuspecting ponies, complimenting mares and encouraging stallions. I received more than a few pleased blushes from the mares and knowing smiles mixed with sidelong glances at a certain few mares from the stallions. It's not that I'm normally bad at conversation and knowing what to say, it's just that I so very often don't care. I say what I think because that's how I am. It earns me few friends, but the enemies I make are often very friendly. But tonight I wasn't me. Tonight, I was to be the life of the party, a mysterious and handsome pegasus called only Z. And my accent was Scottish, because fuck you.

I made a wide circuit of the chamber, with a certain goal in mind. I could tell from my occasional glances that Celestia was hiding a smile. I could also tell that Luna and Twilight had noticed me, but didn't know who I was or what I was playing at._ Always keep them guessing_ was the advice I was always given in terms of women. Tonight, I would find out how well that worked.

I completed the circuit I was trying for, and greeted the two gentle mares before me, "Princess Luna," said with a courteous bow and an extra accented twang. "And Miss Sparkle, I presume?"

I received nods for my effort. Before I could be dismissed by Luna, however, Twilight—perhaps sensing an escape from the princess—asked me for a name.

"You may call me Z," I responded.

"That is what I may call you, but what is your name?" Twilight riposted.

"What is a name but what a stallion is called?" I almost said 'man' instead of 'stallion;' that longstanding habit almost biting me in the ass. I continued before my near slip could be noticed, "I am known in many lands by many things. Here, however, I choose to be simple, and to ask others to call me only by the mark I was given as a colt," said with a casual sweet aside of my cape, raising more than a few eyebrows of those ponies around me; few had seen a cutie mark so… odd.

"Many lands? Where are you from originally?" Twilight asked. Princess Luna was at this point getting rather bored with the conversation, and tried to lead Twilight away. She rebelled and Luna, somewhat exasperated, gave up and excused herself.

Goal one: Accomplished. Get Twilight alone and away from Luna, while not letting Luna onto who I was. I was having more fun with this than I probably should have.

Now, my answer required knowing the workings of a map, which I most definitely have. It also required a bit more history which few ponies knew, and I was wagering that Twilight probably didn't know much about either since it involved very little magic. Ponyville, you see, was in what on Earth would be America. Most ponies never get to any other continents. Most don't know anything about them other than that they exist. Scotland is, of course, in Europe in my world. I had no idea what the hell it was called here, either Scotland or Europe; I had seen them on a map, but I didn't bother to remember. But I did remember a strange piece of history: Not too long ago there was an odd bit of contention in Europe—not so much as a war, of course, but a few lines were redrawn, with nations made and nations broken.

So instead of an answer, I spun a bit of a riddle: "I come from a land far away across the sea, a land of glorious ponies, of wonderful art, and of beautiful mares, though it is a land that no longer knows the light of sun; recent altercations have driven my perfect homeland into extinction, and the best way to remember the dead is as beautiful, so I shan't belittle its name by gracing it with my unworthy lips."

"If you are so used to beautiful mares, why stoop to converse with one so humble as myself?"

"Humble? You have nothing to be humble about, my dear! Of the many beautiful mares of which I so meekly claim to have known," Not the Biblical 'known,' I hope she realized, "few could hold a candle to the beauty I see before me."

"Oh, there are a _few _that are close to my… beauty?" she remarked quite coyly. I don't know if she knew who I was yet, but I think she was having a bit of fun.

"There are neither perfect stallions nor perfect mares out there, my dear, and to pretend that anypony is an absolute paragon of beauty would be a lie. I am many things, but a liar is not one of them."

"Oh? Of those many things you are, are you perhaps somepony I may once have met named Navarone?"

"Navarone?" I said with a bit of confusion. "I have heard tales of this creature, yes, but do I not have considerably more legs than he? I would also bet I am shaped somewhat differently than he, in many ways and areas. I had heard he was here, and was somewhat hoping to meet him, but I assume from his absence that I was misinformed."

"I see," she said. "Tell me, Mr. _Z_, what do you know of this land?"

"Please, Madam, it is just Z. We are all ponies here, there is no need for any titles."

She nodded, smiling a bit. "Only if you agree to the same. My name is Twilight. Twilight Sparkle."

"Twilight Sparkle," I whispered quietly, as though savoring the name. "Shall we walk, my dear, and savor the young night together?" It would be at this point I would offer my arm to the lady, but I don't think that would work well with hooves; I have not had the long practice servants obviously went through.

She graciously accepted my offer, with a proffered "It would be my pleasure." We walked into the night, followed by a few jealous glares and more than a few knowing smiles.

"To answer your question, dear, I know very little." We were talking and walking in the garden, surrounded by the weakly echoing noises of the extravagant wildlife. "I am newly arrived here from overseas, after more time wandering than I would care to admit. It is amazing what you never seem to find while exploring the world, and it is just as amazing what is so abundant. I came to this land to continue my wandering, but heard there was a grand party here on this night, so my travels conveniently brought me here. I have seen many of the wonders of this world, but never before have I laid my eyes on the great Princess Celestia herself, or any of the creatures of Navarone's sort, the so-called humans."

"You obviously didn't think very highly of Princess Celestia, if you preferred to come to one such as me instead of meeting her."

"I met her yesterday, actually. Despite my generally unknown status, it appears that during my travels I have built up a sort of… aura, I suppose, of worldliness. She saw me gazing upon her with unguarded wonder yesterday, and knew that among her many fans, I was seeing something amazing and yet at the same time I was seeing it with the jaded eyes of a long-time traveler. It was not long after that short meeting that I was summoned to the palace. Through the busy and boisterous preparations I came, with all the possessions I owned in this world upon my back, and met the princess under the shade of this very garden. She is a wonderful scholar, though I suppose that comes from the boredom of living thousands of years; she easily beat me in any contest of wills I gave her, and was always kind about her victories. I must have impressed her, at any event, as I was offered a billet in the palace for as long as I was willing to stay, and an invitation to this event."

"And meeting Princess Luna doesn't appeal as much to you?"

"Princess Luna obviously wanted nothing to do with me. The poor mare looked as though she had lost a lover, and I wanted to let her continue her search. You, however, appeared to be here alone, and were beautiful; you did not appear to be in line with Princess Luna's search, and were looking for an escape. Am I such a terrible pony for respecting the wishes of a princess to search for a lost love and respecting the wishes of a beautiful mare by escorting her away from a place she doesn't long to be?"

"Yet you have no qualms attaching yourself to vulnerable innocent little me?"

"Innocent, probably. Vulnerable, though? Hardly. I can see the intelligence in your eyes, and there is no need to hide it from me. That is part of your beauty, though not nearly all of it."

"One could say that innocence implies vulnerability, just for the sheer fact that innocence means one is not yet hardened to the facts of life, and is thus vulnerable to being lied to or disappointed."

"One can say many things, but most of them aren't true. There is strength in innocence, a strength I fear I have lost long ago. There are also many types of innocence, but that is another subject entirely."

"I don't think I'm as innocent as you think I am."

"Oh? This might surprise you, but there is a great difference between what you learn from a book and what you learn from experience. You may have led a full life, and may even have traveled a bit. You might have loved and lost, loved and kept, and possibly even been betrayed. You may have seen oceans great and wide, tracts of empty land stretching as far as the eye can see, and you might have seen the largest fabled city in the clouds, the eponymous Cloudsdale I also hope to see soon. But there are perhaps only three beings on this continent that could claim to have done more in their life than I, and I am not so certain about two of them. Perhaps this human Navarone, as I have never seen his lands. Perhaps Princess Luna, for I have never in my life been to the moon. But definitely Princess Celestia, for she has lived in one life thousands of years, and probably has commonplace dreams more interesting than the most wonderful thing I have seen. You might not be innocent, in your eyes, but to me there is little you could say."

"You are a bit of a braggart, and more than a bit of a poet."

"I wish I could say that I have little to brag about, but I have _lived _a life, whereas most ponies just have a life they occasionally toy with. And I am no poet, though I do speak from the heart; it tends to spin everything lyrically."

"I think you're also a liar."

"You wound me! As I have said, I am many things, some of them even bad, but none of them a liar." If she ever figured out the game I was playing, I would probably have to hide for several days before she stopped rampaging.

"How can I trust somepony I believe to be a liar when he tells me he is not lying?"

"Now you speak in riddles. Which would you prefer to believe, dear? That I find you beautiful, or that I'm lying? That I am somehow your human Navarone in disguise, or that I am what I say I am?"

I could tell she was about to speak again when I saw we had completed our circuit, and were again near an entrance to the palace. I even recognized the song that was playing; it was one of those that Pinkie Pie used to teach us to dance. Before she could open her mouth, I said, "Would you care to escape the chill of the night and return to the party? I hear a song I recognize, and would love to dance with you."

I cut her off just right. "I don't know how to dance! I mean, I've read on the subject, and I've watched some friends practice, but I know nothing of the art itself!"

"There's part of your innocence showing, my dear. Come, there is little to it; I can teach you as we go along. Just follow my lead." Throughout that dialog, we had entered into the palace, finding a half-full dance floor in front of us. The clatter of hoof on tile was like music to my trained ears, and I longed to start this farce. I marched her into position, and started the dance with 'just follow my lead' still dancing in her ears.

She was awkward, of course; between not expecting to be dancing and not knowing what she was doing, awkward was probably a weak word for it. But she learned fast enough, and finished the dance considerably better. We launched into the next with alacrity. It was one I was less familiar with, but we did well enough for ourselves. It lasted for a spell, and then a dance wherein partners were swapped came up. I almost bowed us out of this one, but Twilight seemed to want to continue, so I stayed with her.

After a small succession of partners that seemed rather pleased to find themselves in my arms—forelegs, whatever—I got a very interesting surprise: Princess Celestia herself. I recovered smoothly from the stumble I barely made, and whispered to her, "Princess, what a surprise."

"Hello again, Z. I see you are enjoying yourself, and my young student."

"There is no hospitality like royal hospitality, love. I find it so little in my travels across the world. Shame I only met you yesterday; I feel like we could have gotten to know each other better."

"Some dalliances are best kept short."

"I am ever the traveler, my lady."

"Anything you need?" asked in a more serious and quieter tone.

I quietly responded, "If you see me nod at the band, teleport me to the sitting room. They'll talk about this one forever, if all goes according to plan."

She smiled. There was a lot to be said about that smile.

With that, partners were swapped again, and I took what knowledge I gained from that exchange with me. She should know better than to think I would linger with Twilight; of course I would toy with her and bail. And that is all that would happen, too; I had no illusions of anything else. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve, though, as well as an ace hidden that would definitely liven up the night for Celestia, if I could pull it off.

When the dance ended with Twilight again in my arms, I managed to lead her off the floor. She seemed considerably livelier after that, and the conversation we were having took off. I managed to lead her to the question I needed her to ask: "Tell me, how do you typically travel?"

"For long trips, I try to stick to trains or if possible boats. Ponies may not have been made for the sea, but the sea seems to have been made for us… It is so beautiful, so open, so free! But even the sea has nothing on the absolute freedom of flying. There is no greater wonder in the world, even if you include your princesses. I feel sorry for any earth ponies that never get the chance, though I have heard that there is a spell known to some unicorns, a spell that grants wings, even if for a short time."

"I know that spell!" she exclaimed, louder than she meant to. A few glances were cast our way, but most of the smoldering gazes were by now cooled, and instead of hate cast her way there was merely curiosity. She continued, quieter this time, "I cast it before for a friend. It gave her the most amazing wings…" I waited for a beat, letting her come to the conclusion herself. "I could… I could cast it again now, if you would want to show me the sky."

The way she phrased that… I'm treading in dangerous waters, here. I hope my plan doesn't break the poor lass… I know I said she was strong, but I think we were all about to find out just how strong she was. Yes, I'm a bad person. But in this case you can blame Celestia. I'm just hoping she holds up to her end of the bargain, because if this goes according to plan, and I'm still in the room after, Twilight might well be mine.  
_ Time to roll the dice…_

"Cast your spell. I shall dance with you in the air if you can make yourself a set of wings," said with a secret smile.

"I might ruin my dress, though…"

I led her to a small alcove and, with a sweep of my hoof, I divested myself of my cape, showing my mysterious 'cutie mark' off to all who cared to see. "We are all ponies here. There is no shame to be had. Ruin it or remove it, if you want the freedom of the air."

She silently removed her dress. I gazed upon her with feigned admiration, whispering, "Ay, Dios mio!" She blushed, then went about casting her spell. When she had finished it, I couldn't help myself, and let out another, "Ach, mein Gott!" The wings she summoned… Gossamer and honey dew, supposedly. Either way, they were the wings of a butterfly: delicate, tender, beautiful. I showed her how to spread her wings and fly, in that small room, then led her out, back into the dance hall.

At this point, she gained more glances than I, as well as many whispered remarks. I detached myself from her for a second, long enough to talk to my new friend in the band, the grey mare from before. "Ma'am, I have a request, if you would be so kind…"

"Your name, sir?"

"I am called Z. And you?"

"Octavia. Tell me your request." I gave her the song Pinkie Pie used to get Fluttershy and me to dance in the sky. She raised an eyebrow, but nodded. "It is an old song, but beautiful. We will play it for you." I hurried back to Twilight's side.

The song started, and with that I lifted Twilight into the air. My center of balance as a pony was very different from my center of balance as a human, so I had to take a moment to get my bearings before I started. It gave me a chance to look around the room. We had the eyes of everyone, and I found myself smiling and nodding along to the tune. When the proper beat came along, I started the dance.

And God, did we dance. She was awkward, not knowing the either the 'steps' or how perfectly to fly, but as soon as I picked up my balance I more than made up for it. The dancing below us stopped, entranced as the dancers were with such a thing they had never seen before: A lovely pair dancing in the air, a mix of dainty butterfly wings and strong angelic wings, a duo dancing to a tune that had long gone unheard by many of the dancers in the hall. It was a sorrowful dirge we danced to, and it was beautiful.

When at last the mournful sounds ended and the last notes echoed off the great hall, I posed a question to Twilight, smiling before me: "Tell me, my dear, have you ever before danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?" With that last little idea in her head, I nodded to the band and Z disappeared into the storybooks of Equestria.

I turned the lock of the sitting room and waited for Celestia to meet me. I doffed what little of the silly costume I had left, and settled in for a long wait; after that little show I pulled, I expected a long wait.

I got it, too. It took several hours for the door of the sitting room I was in to be unlocked and pulled open by Celestia. I mockingly bowed.

"You are cruel. I should make you go out there like that and fix this," she answered me. I merely waited. "But I suppose I deserved having to deal with that. I can already tell that legends will be made about the great Z: lover, rogue, stealer of hearts and mysterious stranger. You definitely gave me the show I was hoping for, and for that you will probably never, ever be attending any of my parties in the future."

"I hope we did not hurt Twilight too badly."

"We?" I gave her a look. "Yes… I suppose I am at least partially at fault for this. Yes, we hurt her, but no, we didn't hurt her badly. One look at that cutie mark I gave you is enough to tell anypony that you can never settle, and Twilight Sparkle was always a smart one. Everypony else was very, very confused, though. Including me. You had her, Navarone. Why let her go so soon?"

"Because though I find myself attracted to some pony's personalities, I cannot find myself attracted to any pony's body. I gave her the perfect night, lacking only the wonderful ending many would expect."

"And that's the only reason?"

"If I had finished this night with her, she would have been considerably more hurt to find me gone. I could never… No gentleman could use a lady so, and I would not have my perfect reputation as Z so tarnished."

"You are not allowed to partake in any politics here unless you are scheming with me."

"I would never scheme a rebellion unless the rebellion deserved to win."

"Then I cannot wait to have you locked in the palace, under my eye, in six and a half years."

"You, maybe, but I meant what I said to you, while we were dancing: I am ever a traveler. Locking me in a cage would kill me."

"Your cage of love is something you will have to discuss with Luna. Which does remind me of something… Your last words to Twilight, what were they?"

I waved, and said, "Let them be forgotten. It adds to the mystery, to have the last words of an errant lover for only the ears of the beloved."

"Are all humans so good at lying, or is that just your special talent?"

"I get a lot of practice. Now, would you kindly turn me back into a bloody human? I would very much like to get to a bed." She smiled and did so. I quickly dressed myself again.

"It's good to have fingers again," I whispered, stretching them. Louder, I said, "Is Luna gone?"

"Yes, she left shortly after you stole Twilight away."

"Are we bad people, for doing that to her?" I don't know if I meant Twilight or Luna, in that remark.

"I don't know." I don't think she knew who we meant either.

"Also, where did you get the idea for the cutie mark you gave me?"

"It's the one you would have had, if you had stayed a pony. The letter would have been different, however. Which does raise a question, but I trust you have your reasons."

"That name means nothing anymore. I thought the magic to give someone a cutie mark didn't exist."

"It doesn't exist for Twilight. And I couldn't have made it stay; it was temporary, but that is what it would have been."  
_ What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets…_

"I better go and collect the poor lass, then. We have a long way to travel come the morrow." She nodded, and I left her to her thoughts, ill or kind.

I found Twilight in the small alcove where she had summoned her wings. She was holding my cape like a talisman, as through it was the only thing real in a crumbling world of lies. I was starting to think I had made more of an impression than I thought when she looked up and saw me.

"Where have you been all night? I told you to stay by my side!"

I gazed at her wings and raised an eyebrow, but didn't mention them yet. "I was called away by Princess Celestia; apparently I was disturbing some of her guests, and she politely requested I wait in an ill used sitting room. I was just now allowed out."

"You know, I had to distract Princess Luna because of you! She's the one that requested your presence, and you weren't even here to see her!"

"Blame Celestia, not me. Or rather, blame her guests for such sensibilities. It looks like you didn't miss me much, personally."

"Yes, I had… quite a night. Tell me, have you seen a white pegasus wearing a hat and a mask anywhere? His cutie mark was that of a 'Z' surrounded by question marks."

"I saw someone that might have been him out of the window of my little cell; it was hard to tell, but I think it was if nothing else a white male pony of some kind. Not too many of them around, I've noticed."

"So it wasn't a dream…" she whispered.

"What?"

"…Nothing. Let's… let's go back to my home." She dropped the cape and picked up her dress.

"You leaving that here?"

"Dreams have no place in life." I smiled at that.

We flew back to her place in Canterlot and slept like the dead. The next day we flew back home to Ponyville, where gossip had already completely overblown the story of Twilight's saga.

She answered a few questions, left some unanswered, and all of her friends expressed desires to go to the next Gala, to see if the mysterious Z would return for his lost love. I'm glad no one asked me about it; I don't know if I could have answered with a straight face. It was at that point when I honestly started to think that I might be a bit of a sociopath.

Oh, and if you're reading this journal, Twilight… Well, I'm glad I'm dead. Try not to completely kill Celestia; she's probably still useful. And if for some reason I'm still alive, at least give me a chance to explain it in a way that will change your mind about brutally murdering me.


	13. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve—Pinkie's parties, what happens when you break your word, and more bigotry

Oh, and I feel like throwing this anecdote in, while I'm still here: A year after I was summoned, Pinkie Pie tried holding a party for me, calling it my birthday. She started discussing it with me when I bumped into her at the market place. Applejack was with her. When I told her my birthday was actually in March, she gave me the oddest look I've ever seen from her.

"What do you mean, it's in March?" she asked.

I shrugged. "It's in March. What more do you want?"

"…Why didn't you say anything before? I would have thrown you a great party!"

"Have I ever been the sort to like parties?"

"You seemed to enjoy yourself at the Gala." I raised an eyebrow at that, wondering what she meant, but her look didn't change.

"I was locked in a sitting room the entire time. Well, almost the entire time."

"If you say so… Well, this March I'll throw you a super extra fantastical party to make up for last year's! Wait… when in March?"

"If I tell you, will you promise not to give me a party?"

"Psh, no! Don't be silly, Nav. Everypony loves parties!"

"I'm not a pony, remember?"

"Well, everything else I've held a party for likes them!"

"Maybe I'm the exception."

"You know… I could hold you a party every day in March! That way I'll be sure to get it on the right day!"

"You wouldn't. It would be too much money."

"It's worth it, for a friend!"

"How about your birthday present for me be to not give me a party?"

"But you love my parties! Why would I want to not give you something that you love?"

My head was starting to hurt. "I don't like your parties." That was exactly the _wrong _thing to say.

Her eyes welled up with tears. "You… you don't like my parties?" she asked in the saddest voice I think I've ever heard.

Before I could answer, she started to cry. Now, it's rare that I see Pinkie Pie cry, but when she does in a situation like this—when her feelings weren't actually hurt but she wanted to pretend like it—the tears fly from her face in a stream, like something out of a damn anime. Confuses the hell out of me, and makes me really wonder what the fuck is wrong with this world.

I turned to Applejack. "Is there any way out of this that doesn't involve me telling her when my birthday is?"

"Nope. Or at least, I sure can't see any."

I was getting more than a few mean looks from the ponies in the market. I sighed.

There was a party scheduled for me on my birthday. Pinkie Pie is an unstoppable party monster.

A few days later, after more than a full year had passed from when I was first brought here, one of my terrible fears was realized: Someone was reading these journals.

Thankfully, Spike was very indiscrete about it. And doubly thankfully, he was still bloody young, and didn't catch half of the meanings of things I wrote.

I was sitting in the main room of Twilight's library, writing, when he approached me. Not writing a journal entry, mind, but something for Twilight. I write entries in my room, where no one will read over my shoulder. Or, when it's a nice day, I sometimes go sit on a cloud to do it; one benefit of wings is that I'm able to rest in interesting places.

But I digress. Spike approached me, and I knew something was wrong by his manner. Instead of his usual boisterous confidence, he came at me somewhat awkwardly, as though not knowing what he should say. It was his first blackmail attempt, I believe, and that made him nervous. "I've been doing some reading…" he started.

I set my pen down and looked at him. "Find any interesting tales of love or war?"

"Maybe you've heard the title of it… The Diaries of a Madman."

I stared at him for what had to have been half a minute. "Let's go for a walk."

"Uh… I don—"

"I wasn't giving you an option." I stood up and grabbed my coat from the rack. I thought for a second and grabbed the crossbow and a quiver, as well; I wasn't going to actually use them on him, but I liked having the option.

I could tell from his body language that Spike knew he had made a mistake. I didn't say a word as I led him through town. He gazed up at my face from time to time, but my stony gaze didn't shift an inch from staring straight ahead. I needed to know how much he knew, and the best way to get him to tell me was to scare him so badly that he didn't want to try anything like this ever again.

My mind was racing a mile a minute; there was a lot of dangerous information in there. The Luna situation, my masquerade as Z, what I knew about Rainbow Dash, suspicions, opinions, and lies. I could tell this was going to be a fun conversation.

I stopped suddenly, causing him to bump into me. We were right on the edge of a large clearing. I could see a nice target clear across the field, about fifty yards away.

"Nav, I—" I held up a hand to forestall him, then slowly loaded the crossbow with a dulled bolt. I drew a bead on the target, made sure I would not miss, and fired. The pumpkin I was shooting at made an audible thunk as it popped. I turned back to Spike and looked at him. He was visibly frightened, and probably would have been sweating if he was able to through his scales. "Nav—" I interrupted him again.

"There is one thing I asked of you and Twilight both when I started writing. Do you remember what that was?"

He gulped and answered, "Never read your journals… But—"

"Do you know _why _I didn't want them read? Or maybe you found out while you were desecrating my privacy. Tell me, what did you think was so important that you would willingly violate my trust to find?"

He was close to tears, now. I knew he would never do it again, and decided to stop scaring him so badly.

He mumbled something so quietly I didn't even understand him. "What was that?"

"I know about Z…" he said, barely loud enough to be understood.

"How much did you read?"

"Everything starting at the Gala." _Thank God. He can't be positive about Luna, though he probably suspects…_

"Why?"

"Twilight seemed so taken by Z, that I wanted to learn anything at all I could about him! I know she said you only saw him in passing, but I wanted to learn everything I could! Anything to help me make Rarity like me…"

"Tell me what you learned from that entry."

He snorted. "You obviously don't think too highly of most ponies. And Rarity would be pleased to know your reaction to Blueblood. And you have some agreement with Celestia, but you didn't say about what… You are definitely a liar, and a very good one. And you know how to make mares fall in love."

"Anything else?" _Maybe he doesn't know about Luna…_

"You… you were trying to avoid Luna, for some reason. And there was something about an exile…"

"How much of this have you told anyone else?"

"None, I swear!" I gave him a very hard look. "I promise!" I looked at him a bit longer before stiffly nodding.

"Don't. Don't ever mention any of it to anyone. Ask me your questions. I will answer them if you need to know."

"Before, when I asked you about Rarity, why didn't you tell me anything about what you knew about mares?"

"Because absolutely none of it would work for you now that you know Rarity, and now that she knows you. And because none of that is good for love, only for passion. Passion is easy, love is hard. Twilight remembers Z fondly because she was with him for a night, and saw only the good in him. And since she didn't know him beforehand, he had no bad traits, only those that he chose to show her when they met. That is why it is too late to use any of my tricks as Z on Rarity."

"How do you know? I might get lucky!"

I smiled at his choice of words. "Because most of the allure of Z was mystery and intrigue. He was handsome, dashing, roguish, and well-traveled. He had seen much and knew more. He was confident but not arrogant, brave but not foolish, daring but not overly so. He was what all young mares want to meet and fall in love with, even if they don't admit it to themselves. And trust me, lad, you may be clever, but not nearly wise enough to do what I did with Z."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're young, and you probably didn't understand half of what I was even saying to Twilight, or the reasoning behind my saying it."

"What did you mean when you said that you created passion but not love? Doesn't one include the other?"

"Sort of. Love is usually passionate, but you can have passion without love. Passion can develop into love, if nurtured. The lies I told built up passion, but they couldn't have held up to make love. There is more than one reason I bailed when I did, that night. One reason is that fleeing when I did created the best performance and the most drama. Another reason is that at that point, Twilight was quite simply mine. But all the lies would start to fade away. I had her, but I had no way of keeping her; all that held her was lies."

"You are dangerous, Navarone."

"Yeah. But sometimes I wonder how smart I am."

"Also, what was that bit with Luna? Why were you avoiding her?"

"That's not something you need to know and it's not something you need to poke your nose into. And don't ask about the exile, either. Or any agreements with Celestia."

"You don't trust me?"

"You read my journal." He couldn't refute that.

So that was one crisis I had feared solved. After that I started hiding my journals better. Which is a hint, to anyone else that might be reading these: I will scare the shit out of you, but if you have a good reason I might not kill you. _Might_. After all, I am still in the mood for some meat.

A few weeks after that, an odd thing happened. Twilight, Spike, and I were all chilling in the library. Twilight was taking notes or something. Spike was dusting. I was cleaning my fingernails with a knife, about to head out to do… something.

There was a knock at the door. "Spike, can you get that?" Twilight asked, not even looking up.

"Uh…" he looked down to what he was doing and then up to me. "Nav, can you get that?"

I set my knife on the table and got up and went to the door. I casually opened it and beheld a white unicorn wearing a cape. "Can I he—" I started.

He used magic to slap me with a thin rubber glove. "THE GREAT WHITE UNICORN PELT IS HERE TO SLAY YOU, BEAST!" I didn't even have time to wonder why a pony had a glove.

I looked at him. He glared at me.

I slowly reached down into my pocket and pulled out a glove. A very, very heavy weighted glove. I casually whacked him across the face with it as hard as I could. "I accept your challenge."

He spit out a tooth and some blood and fixed me with an even greater glare of pure hatred. "So…" I said. "You going to start slaying me yet?"

"TOWN SQUARE. FIFTEEN MINUTES. BE THERE OR I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE MONSTER YOU ARE!"  
_Jesus, turn off the caps lock._

Without another word, he turned around and stalked away. I heard him shouting around to bring up a crowd.

"What was _that _about?" Twilight asked, still not looking up. I closed the door.

"Oh, some unicorn just came here and told me he was going to kill me in fifteen minutes. I'll go get my crossbow. Be back soon."

"Have fun, N—WHAT!" She finally turned to face me and used magic to pull me closer to her. "What did you say?"

"Some pompous fuck just came by and told me he was going to slay me like a beast or something. He said to meet him in town square, though really it's more of a circle. I suppose I should correct him before I kill him."

She dropped me. I went upstairs to get my crossbow and some bolts. I heard her yelling to Spike. When I came down he was writing furiously. "I'll be back in a few minutes," I told her, heading to the door.

"You can't just go and fight him, Nav!" Twilight said, terribly distraught.

"Silly Twilight," I said, ruffling her mane. "I'm not going to _fight _him." She looked relieved. "I'm just going to kill him." Her relief vanished.

"But you can't—"

"It's done, Twilight!" Spike interrupted, waving a letter. With a flourish he sent it away.

I sighed. "You aren't going to let me go out there, are you?"

"Not until Princess Celestia gets here to clean this mess up, no!"

I shouldered my crossbow. "How long should she take? I really should be leaving now if I want to make his timeframe."

With an explosion of magic, Celestia appeared right next to me. Twilight and Spike immediately went to their knees. "What's this I hear about a unicorn trying to hurt Navarone?" she asked.

"Some dude just came by, slapped me with a glove, and told me he was going to kill me in a few minutes in town square," I answered. "I guess you want to watch me kill him?"

She frowned. "Navarone, stop it." I sighed and put my crossbow down on a table. "That's better. Now let's go find out what this stallion wants." She led the way out of the library. When she opened the door we saw Rarity and Rainbow Dash right outside, about to knock. When they saw her they bowed.

"We were just about to come and tell Twilight there was a stallion raving in town circle," Rarity said. "He's ranting about killing the beast that lives in the tree."

"Thank you both, but I have already been made aware of this," Celestia said. "Come along, all of you." She led us toward the center of town.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO FEAR ANY LONGER, CITIZENS!" we heard him shouting. "I WILL RID YOU OF THIS MONSTER!"

It didn't take long for him to notice the growing crowd of bowing ponies. "HE HAS YOU ALL SO AFRAID THAT YOU—" He saw Celestia and his eyes almost bulged out of his head. "Princess! You came yourself to see me defeat this monster?" Then he saw me walking behind her. If I thought his eyes were bulging before… "LOOK OUT!" He tried to rush to her 'aid,' but she forced him to stop with magic.

She picked him up and pushed him to the center of town, in the middle of the large crowd that had now formed. I followed. She slowly set him back on the ground and in a voice that wasn't a yell and yet had no problem carrying, she said, "What is this I hear about a monster loose in Ponyville?"

She released him from her spell. He pointed right at me. "I am here to slay this monster and free Ponyville of its subjugations!"

She looked at me and then behind me and frowned. "I don't see any monsters near or behind my good friend Navarone," she said.

His mouth dropped. "G-g-good f-f-f-f-friend?" he practically whimpered.

She smiled. I crossed my arms and ruffled my wings.

"Yes, my good friend Navarone," she answered, pushing me forward with one of her wings. "I'm sure if you ever need any help in your monster slaying travels, he can assist you; he is very good at dispatching unicorns that grow in power and arrogance and try to take over the minds of other ponies." _Burn_!

I heard some murmuring in the crowd. And if this fellow's face dropped any further he was going to have to sew it back on.

I suddenly started to hear a whistling noise to my left. I ignored it, trying to focus on what Celestia was going to hit this dude with next. The noise got louder and louder until everyone but the monster hunter was looking at it.

It was Fluttershy.

And holy shit was she pissed.

She slammed into the unicorn. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT NAVARONE!" _Holy fuck_! I rushed forward to grab her before she actually hurt the guy.

I had to actually rip her off of him. "Fluttershy, it's okay!" I tried saying. "Celestia's here, he's not going to do a thing." That got her attention long enough for me to get her off. I grabbed her, gently stroking her mane to try to soothe her. She was glaring at the guy on the ground, huddling in terror. I pulled her away from him and she followed me, not letting her eyes off of him. I think he was crying. I whispered into her ear, "That was awesome." She blinked, realizing where she was.

She started hyperventilating, trying to hold onto me. I led her away from the area, the crowd parting before us. A lot of the ponies were smiling, either at me for helping her or at her for kicking that guy's ass. I led her to Twilight's library, since that was the closest place that was absolutely cool for me to be in; I was welcome in most public places, but I still got plenty of stares and a few snubs.

Maybe after this that would change.

I sat her down on the couch that seems to appear and disappear at need. I'm not joking about that—it is not there when I don't need it and it is there when I want to sit down on something that isn't a chair. No, I don't know how that works.

"So like I said, that was pretty fucking awesome," I said when I had her down and relatively calmed down. She blushed. "Mind, I don't know if Celestia will agree, but I have never had a friend stick her neck out like that for me." I held my fist out. She flinched automatically. I sighed and grabbed one of her hooves with my other hand and gently hit my fist with it. "Good enough," I said. "Now, what the hell came over you?"

She blushed again, even deeper this time. "I… I was in the market, and I heard somepony saying a unicorn was here to kill you. I just sort of… lost my temper. I don't know what happened!" I think she was almost about to either cry or start hyperventilating again.

"Fluttershy, it's okay," I said. "It is perfectly normal to be upset when you hear something like that. If anyone was trying to hurt any of you, you can bet money I'd be hauling ass to get to you to help. That is what friends do for each other." I paused for a moment. "That said, though, I would probably get more details before tackling the fucker," I added with a smile. "Especially with Celestia standing _right there_."

Her eyes went wide. "P-p-princess C-c-c-c-celestia! I thought you were saying that to make me calm down!" She started hyperventilating again.

I rolled my eyes. I pulled her into a hug. Her wings flared, but after a moment she returned it. Her breathing slowly started to return to normal. When I heard the door open I finally let her go. Princess Celestia was there, watching us.

"Princess," I said, nodding.

"Navarone," she answered, stepping in. "This incident will not repeat itself. I—" her eyes flicked to Fluttershy—"_We _have ensured that." She sighed. "I honestly expected the ponies here to accept you more readily, Navarone. If Luna and I can do so, why can't they?" She shook her head sadly.

"Because they don't give me a chance, Princess," I answered and shrugged. "I don't really blame them. If something as strange as me came to our world and was left to roam free, stuff like this would happen to it too." Well, actually it would all be much worse, but meh.

She didn't have a response to that. She turned to Fluttershy, who bowed her head in what I was assuming was shame. "Fluttershy, have you learned anything from this?"

Fluttershy mumbled something. I put a hand on one of her hooves. She gave me a hasty smile and looked up at the princess. "I learned that you should never act without thinking or learning the full situation, even if you think somepony might be in danger. You might just hurt somepony that doesn't really deserve it." Not a very good Aesop, in my mind, but whatever.

Celestia turned her gaze to me. "And what did you learn, Navarone?"

I shrugged. "Ponies are kickass friends."

She blinked. "Try again."

"Uh. If some dick comes to challenge me to a duel, tell the princess on him?"

She shook her head. "One more time."

I scratched my head. "Look, Princess, I'm not good at the Aesops. Given the choice, I would have just taken my crossbow down there and deep sixed that sumbitch. It would have dealt with this asshole, though it probably would have made the rest of the ponies in town pretty terrified. But to be quite honest, I don't really give a damn anymore." I shrugged. "If they don't want to accept me, fuck 'em. With these wings growing out of my back, I'm here in this bloody world to stay."

"I'm going to pretend you stopped three sentences sooner," she answered. "Now give it a proper ending."

I blinked, trying to remember what I had said. Dammit, where's Pinkie Pie when I need her? She could just reach through the fourth wall, grab what I was going to write in my journals, and tell me. "…And that would be bad?" I said awkwardly.

Celestia smiled. "Close enough. Now unfortunately, I must return to the palace. It was as always a pleasure to speak with you, Navarone, and to see you, Fluttershy." Before we could respond, she disappeared with a loud thunderclap.

"Well whatayaknow," I said. "She finally asked me for one of those friendship lesson things she always makes you write her."

Fluttershy smiled awkwardly. "I don't think she liked yours very much, Nav."

I shrugged. "That's just because I'm a human living in a pony's world. The Establishment's trying to keep me down." She didn't get it. I waved it away.

Twilight and Spike came in then, so Fluttershy was avoided the awkwardness of my strange human jokes. "Can you believe that guy?" Twilight asked. "Coming here like that!" She sniffed. "He's lucky the princess let him go like she did."

"Well," I said, "I knocked a tooth out and Fluttershy here kicked his ass. I suppose that was enough."

"You knocked out one of his teeth?" Spike asked with wonder in his voice. "You didn't even touch him!"

I went over to the door and opened it. I reached down and picked up the tooth the guy spat out and held it up. "When he slapped me with his little rubber glove to challenge me, I responded with a glove of my own," I said, pulling my glove out and throwing it to Spike.

His eyes opened wide at the weight. "You hit him in the face with _this_?"

Twilight stared at them in confusion until it finally clicked. "Those are your weighted gloves!" Fluttershy was confused. I set the tooth down on the table and gave her the other glove.

"These things have metal weights in them, Fluttershy. They are a lot heavier than a normal glove. Hit someone with one of these and they'll be feeling it for a while." Her eyes widened in shock and she looked at the glove with disgust. I took it back from her and slipped it into my pocket again. "Yep, nasty inventions," I said. "Wonderfully useful." Spike threw the other one back and I slipped it in the other pocket. "You need any help shopping?" I asked her.

She quickly shook her head, but then thought for a moment. "Maybe you can help me solve a problem, Nav."

"I can certainly try," I said. She led me out of the building, leaving Twilight to her boring work and Spike to cleaning.

"It's… Angel," she said. "He doesn't like eating regular food, you see…"

"Fluttershy, I don't know a damn thing about animals. But I'll see what I can do, I suppose. What happens when you try to give stuff like that to him?"

She described the situation. "_Uh huh_," I answered. I didn't say anything else. The rest of the walk to her little shack was in silence.

She went in first and said she was back and whatnot. An assload of little critters were inside, playing. I saw Angel staring at her impatiently. When he saw me his gaze froze a bit, but went back to impatient quickly enough.

I walked up to him. He stared up at me fearlessly.

Until he saw my face.

"Let's go for a little walk," I said. He shook his head and tried to bound away. I snatched him by his bunny ears. "I'm glad you agree. We'll be right back, Fluttershy," I said. She nodded, looking down at one of her other little friends. She didn't see Angel frantically trying to get her attention.

When we were outside and a few minutes away from the house I sat down next to a tree. I held Angel up to my eyes. "So I heard you like specially cooked meals," I said. He just looked at me. "So do I. You know, I used to be a bit of a cook back home. Do you know what I specialized in?" He didn't. "Rabbit soup." He eyes went as wide as a bunny's could. "Rabbits worked fine, but bunnies were better. Younger and more tender, you know?" I smiled easily and poked him in the belly. He gulped.

I pulled the knife out of my pocket and opened it with a loud click. He looked at it, fear evident in his eyes. I set the knife down on my knee.

"Do you know what I do to people that hit my friends, Angel?" His eyes returned to mine. "I hurt them." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Now don't get me wrong, Angel: I don't _like _hurting others. In fact, I detest it. So do you know what you are going to do for me?" One of his eyes popped open. "You are going to make sure I don't have to hurt anyone. No one is going to be hitting my good friend Fluttershy on your watch, right?" He frantically shook his head. "Good. I would hate to have to break my new vegetarian diet to make some nice bunny stew."

I picked my knife up and closed it and slid it into a pocket. "Now how about I set you down so you can go eat what Fluttershy has for you?" He nodded his head like a bloody jackhammer. I put him down and let him go. He sprinted right to Fluttershy's house. I followed at a more sedate pace.

When I got inside, I found he was eating some manner of green pellet or something Fluttershy had laid out for him. "And you said you didn't know about animals!" she said to me, smiling.

"Angel and I, we reached an understanding of sorts," I said. He looked over to me and I patted my pocket. His ears slumped and he shoved a pellet in his mouth. I smiled, nodding.

"Well, whatever you did, thank you!"

"Anything for a friend, Fluttershy. If you need any more help, just ask." She happily nodded and I stepped back into the nice day.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen—I didn't go to school for this, wherein I learn skills I never wanted to know about

Half a month after that little episode, I woke up on a train. The thing is, I didn't go to bed on that train. In fact, I had no knowledge of boarding a train. I had no knowledge of being asked if I wanted to go on a train ride. A quick look out the window told me I was most definitely no longer anywhere near Ponyville. I was still a human, at least, which I consider a plus. I also had a splitting headache, which kind of sucked.

I quickly looked around me to see if there was anything of use. I found a metal flask, which I quickly took a sip out of, thinking it was water.

It was not. It was some manner of alcohol. At least it made my head feel a little better. I pocketed it and tried to remember what had happened the night before.

The last thing I remembered was eating dinner with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, after one of our dancing lesson things which were now more about a few friends getting together than actual dancing. I remembered getting up to go, and Pinkie Pie trying to convince us to stay a few more minutes for some contrived reason or another… I know I got outside, and after that it was all a blank.

As my eyes adjusted better to the dim light of the cabin, I ascertained another shape in a bed across from mine. I rolled out of the bed and almost fell on my ass, but managed to slip my feet under me at the last moment. Twisted my wings up, though… I forget about them still, some mornings.

After getting my feet and stretching, I checked the shape. Yeah, it was Fluttershy. I poked her to see if she was anywhere near awake. She groaned and shifted, muttering something that sounded like "Five more minutes." I poked her a few more times, until she sat up, bleary eyed and confused.

"Lass, what the hell happened last night?"

"I… I don't know. The last thing I remember was eating with Pinkie Pie!"

"Dammit, I hope I didn't get kidnapped again… This shit has got to stop happening!"

"I'm sure it's not as serious as kidnapping! Wait, what do you mean _again_? Has this happened to you before?"

"Long story. I can tell you after we figure out where we are and where we're going. You good to walk?" _Yeah, Fluttershy is never going to hear _that _story._

"I think I'm fine. My head hurts, though…" She tenderly got to her feet.

We appeared to be in the middle cabin of a long train. I looked through the windows on both sides and saw more carts on each side. "Should we split up and search, stay together and search, or wait here and hope for the best?" I asked.

"I… I think we should stay together. You know how most ponies are when it comes to you, after all…" More like she didn't want to be alone, but whatever. I know Fluttershy wasn't particularly brave, and I didn't hold that against her. She had a point, if nothing else.

"Fine, we'll wait here. Wish I had some kind of weapon, though…" I flexed my hands a bit, letting my eyes run over the cabin again. It wasn't a very ornamented place, with relatively simple paneling and whatnot. I was thinking we were supposed to be sleeping the entire trip, but whatever caused the knockout didn't work as planned. I found a few interesting items in a box above my bed: My crossbow, a quiver full of bolts, my knife, more alcohol, another long brown cloak full of pockets, and some snacks.

I checked the little inlet above cabinet above Fluttershy's bed and found yet another cloak and some more snacks. I just shrugged to Fluttershy and left the stuff on her bed for her.

As for me, I started suiting up, hiding stuff in the cloak pockets. I checked the crossbow for any damage, and found that the sites were a little bit off. I couldn't correct them until I was able to shoot it, but it was good that I knew they were off. The bolts were fine, though the quiver I had wasn't the one I would choose for any real dangerous situation: They were all practice bolts; enough to wound, but not kill unless you got a lucky shot.

Fluttershy was asking what I was doing when the cart door slid open. Before it was even finished opening I was looking for cover to load the crossbow. My search was halted by the train juddering heavily and slowing down, and before I could resume my hunt it was invalidated: "Oh good, you're both already awake!" Pinkie Pie said way too loudly and way too happily. Fluttershy and I both flinched at the twinges in our heads.

"I assume there's a good reason we're on a bloody train," I said. She opened her mouth, but I continued, "And before you start yelling at us again, we both have goddamn headaches. Keep your bloody voice down."

She rolled her eyes and continued, quieter this time, "I needed some help back on the family farm. But I didn't want to unduly worry anypony, so I didn't tell anypony. But I couldn't just let my family suffer, so I had to get some help, but I didn't know how without saying anything. Then I realized, you're both my friends, and you wouldn't mind helping me! Though, to be quite honest, I think this is more a problem Navarone is suited to fixing…"

"So why am I here?" Fluttershy asked.

"I didn't know how to make a legitimate excuse to the others without including both of you. We are officially on a dance trip. Applejack was the only one that didn't completely buy it, and she made sure you would have something to help you just in case, Navarone."

"So let me get this straight. You kidnapped us both, even though you knew we would say yes to helping you. You bundled us onto a train somehow. You got all my gear and a few cloaks, as well as some useful stuff from Applejack that I admit to being happy to have. None of our friends thought that was odd, except Applejack. You know we both have wings and can leave if we want, leaving you to deal with whatever it is by yourself. And yet you still expect us to willingly help you."

"That about sums it up, yes. You're really good at recapping, Nav!"

I gently massaged my temples. "Fluttershy, am I the only one seeing anything wrong with this?"

She just shrugged at me and mouthed, "Pinkie Pie." I rolled my eyes.

"What the fuck ever. Tell us what's so important that you had to kidnap us to help you with."

"I think my family was abducted by naga."

"Oh, fuuuck…" I moaned. "Why did I bother waking up?"

"I don't understand," Fluttershy said. "What's a naga?"

"Of anyone, I expected you to know what a bloody naga is, lass," I said. "They're fucking snake/fish people. Intelligent, tool using snake people. Body and lungs of a snake, scales and gills of a fish. And they have human arms, I think. I didn't know there were any here. And what the hell are they doing near a waterless rock farm?"

"There used to be a massive spring system near my family's farm. It dried up before I was born, but the naga stayed there for some reason. We never asked why; they left us alone and we left them alone. Sometimes they would come by the farm to talk to my dad, but they never stayed long. Recently, though, I've been getting letters from my family reporting increased sightings of them, and many of the naga were more agitated than usual. Things seemed to be getting worse, and then the letters just stopped. That was a month ago…"

"So, how do you want to do this? Find their nest, fuck shit up, and pull off a full Rambo style rescue op? Or do you want to try to talk to these scalies first, see if they're up for ransom? Or do you just want me to sneak in and steal them away into the night? Let me tell you, if you want me to kill them, you got me the wrong set of bolts." As it turned out, the Rambo plan would have been a terrible idea.

"I want to get my family out with as little risk to them as possible. We'll try asking the naga, first. If that doesn't work, you can try sneaking them out. Thank you so much for agreeing to help!"

Oh yeah, it was looking to be a long, long day.

"Why am I being the ambassador, again?" Fluttershy asked. "I know nothing about the naga!"

"Because you're the animal expert. I'm sure you'll figure something out," I told her. "Besides, it can't be me because I'm the trump card and it can't be Pinkie Pie because she has to show me where to go to rescue you if everything goes wrong." I don't think that made her feel much better.

We were in the field right outside of Pinkie Pie's farmhouse. We discovered her family was definitely missing, and had been for a few weeks. There were no bodies anywhere that I could find, so that wasn't really an issue. I managed to site my crossbow in, though I knew if I was going to be looking through caves I wouldn't be using it. Hell, even the knife was to be relegated to emergency use only; if it came to that I was going to be using a club.

Looking around the farmhouse, I could easily see why Pinkie Pie left that place. It was absolutely miserable; there was almost no sun, the earth was dry and cracking, there was constantly dust in the air, and it was hot even though we were nearing autumn. It looked like someone had plowed the earth in some places, but without a tractor that would have taken forever, as dry as this place is. Who the hell farms rocks? I mean, who buys them? When I asked, I just got that 'stop being stupid' look.

"So, how do we go about summoning these naga for a meeting?" I asked. "Do we just hope they come to us?"

"My dad taught me a trick, back when they were still friendly, in case I was ever far away from the farm and needed help. He said not to use it unless I really needed it, but that they would come if I wanted them. I never tried it, but here goes…" With that, she let out a clear, loud whistle that pierced my ears, and almost made me want to slit my own throat. After delivering it, she rushed me into the farmhouse, where we watched from the windows to see what they would do with a noticeably nervous Fluttershy.

Nothing happened for a good long while, and I started to think nothing would. Then an errant thought came to my mind… They were hiding in a spring system. Those go miles underground, in all directions. _Oh, shit…_ "Pinkie Pie, is there a well anywhere near here?"

"Yes, there's one right behind this building. Why… _Oh_!"

We barely had time to hide before the naga got out of the well and into the building, trying to find what called them. They were oddly dressed in silky clothing, and each was bristling with some manner of weapon. One had two axes strapped to his back, one was holding a massive spear, one had a sword and a shield, one had a huge sword on his back, and one had spiked gloves.

I want to call them the ugliest creatures I have ever seen in my life, but I'm sure they would think something similar of me if they saw me. They were all rather massive, each taller than I by at least a foot, and all wider in body than I. Trying to fight them would have been a bad, bad idea, at least in a one-on-one fight. They had relatively human-esque faces, with a barely defined snout jutting somewhat out of their faces. Their torso was human in appearance, with human-shaped arms. Where their legs would be, a long tail snaked out behind them. What I could see of them was covered in scales. I was assuming the entire group in front of me was male. One of them was snarling, and I could see some disturbingly sharp teeth sticking out. _Snakes don't even have teeth, what the hell?_

It didn't take them long to look out a window and see Fluttershy. Thankfully, they somehow missed both me and Pinkie Pie. They chatted to themselves in guttural English, muttering at the indignity of being summoned in such a manner, by a lone flier. They thought about just leaving her, but decided since they had come all that way to see what she wanted.

When Fluttershy turned around and saw a group of naga coming out of the farmhouse, her eyes got very wide and she almost fainted. Of anything she expected, that was definitely not on the list.

I wasn't able to hear the conversation that took place, but this was the gist, as reported to us: Where are the farmers? With us, for their safety. Safety from what? We can't tell you. Can we see them? Who is this… we?

Fluttershy is not a good liar. In fact, I would go so far as to label her perhaps the worst liar I have ever run into in my life. So it was no surprise to find myself and Pinkie Pie rather roughly nagahandled out of the farmhouse.

They didn't know what to make of me. "What is this?" they asked of Pinkie Pie, who they did recognize.

"Name's Navarone," I answered for her. "I'm a mercenary."

"What pony would hire a mercenary? And… what _are _you?"

"I'm a human. And a pony that wants to see her family again."

"You don't look very dangerous, for a mercenary. I hope she didn't pay much for you."

There were five of them and one of me. I didn't feel like being a hero. So instead of challenging him, I just said "Looks can be deceiving."

"Tell me then, mercenary, are your services for hire?"

"I'm in the middle of a job now. It's bad for business to take on a job before the other is completed."

"A good code to live by. What if the payment of our job was what you needed to finish the other?"

"You'll have to ask my employer about that. Depending on the job, I might agree, but it's up to her whether I have the option." I looked to Pinkie Pie.

"That's a fair way of completing my… task, Navarone."

"What's the job?" I asked them.

As it turned out, there were two groups of naga in the area: The older group that had been here for a long time and a new group that was trying to push the old out. The new group was rather violent in their methods, and the older group didn't want Pinkie Pie's family hurt. Their differences were vast, yada yada, go with this group of warriors and fuck their shit up.

We were allowed to see Pinkie Pie's family before the group left, to prove they were still there and being treated well. Personally, I didn't care, and was busy preparing for the coming battle. So while Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were getting accolades from an exuberant farm family, I was getting ready for war.

I also saw my first naga female. They were mostly smaller than the males, but didn't look all that different. They were a lot more curvy, and their tails were a hell of a lot longer. They actually had some manner of breasts, too, which they didn't bother to cover up. They were all still taller than I was, though a few of them matched my body size. I can't be tougher than everything in this world, but it still feels sad that even their women could probably overpower me.

My part in the design was simple on paper, hard in practice. You see, the naga can't exactly sneak around or be stealthy; they don't have feet, and any movement rasps against the ground. And they were pretty shiny anyway; any light hitting off them would reflect from their skin or clothing. It was quite different for me, however. My predisposition for running the fuck away meant I was pretty good at hiding and sneaking around. So my job was to go in ahead of the main group and do as much damage as fast as I could, as well as deep six any officer I saw.

I commandeered a short sword and a better quality knife for the job. The knife I had from home was made for show, not for real use. Especially not for use against scales. The crossbow, I kept. Since the other group was still new to the area, they weren't in a cave system yet—they were still above ground, and the crossbow might be useful taking out sentries. I tied some of my bolts with cloth, to light on fire if I needed to. The naga had plenty of flint to spare, and gave me a striker. I dipped the bolts in the alcohol so they'd burn easier and longer.

Now, I was under no illusions that I was or am a real fighter; I am not. I knew that if I went up against a real fighter I would lose. The short sword was more for show than anything else. I have no practice with a sword, but I do know how to slit throats. I mean, how can you fuck that up? When the real fighting started, I was going to be sneaking around the battlefield and stabbing enemies in the back, then darting away again. And if all else failed, I would drop the cloak and fly away; none of these naga had bows, and I was hoping none of the other side did either. I didn't want to give that advantage away unless I had a good reason, though; none of the naga on my side realized I had wings. They didn't know what a human was, and probably just assumed the bulge under my cloak was normal.

When we got to the camp and I saw what it was, though, I smiled. There was a rough palisade around the thing, and it had two entrances with several guards posted at each. It was newly night at that point—we had left early so there would be enough heat on the ground to hopefully mask my arrival to the naga's snake-like infrared vision.

The only guards that seemed to be alert at all were the guards on the entrances; there was no one paying attention in the camp proper. I snapped my fingers, seeing an easy solution. The soldiers looked at me, alarmed. I smiled and whispered, "When you see an easy way in, to not take it would be a sin!" I dropped my cloak and unfurled my wings. The group behind me muttered to themselves, seeing them. I heard one say a disparaging remark about fliers, but none said anything to my face.

I turned to the leader. "If you hear an alarm, come on in. Otherwise, wait for me to come back." He nodded. I grabbed a flask from my cloak and took off. My goal was an unsharpened part of the palisade wall, one of the structural posts. If I could get up there, I could snipe fire down on the camp.

When I got above the camp itself, I saw that there were maybe thirty tents, and several more naga sleeping outside on the ground. I debated on landing in the sleeping field and slitting throats versus starting the fires. Doing one meant I might not get to do the other, and while fire could spread I could probably take more naga down by quietly cutting throats. I decided to slit throats; my naga wanted these naga gone, and killing them off is a better way to go about that than burning stuff. Besides, in the chaos of the ensuing fight, fire would be easy enough to spread. And burning the tents would bring alarm up before I was ready for it.

So with those thoughts in mind, I silently unsheathed the knife I got from the naga and landed quietly in the large sleeping field.

Now, while I have killed in the past, I have never killed a sentient being. Doing that grim business in the field felt… wrong. Yes, I was helping Pinkie Pie, and yes, I was killing people that supposedly deserved it. But none of them had done anything to _me_. But I did the job I was 'hired' to do. Grisly, yes. Bloody, yes. And as each one gasped their last breath, mad eyes rolling in their head as I strained to keep their mouth covered, I felt a little bit of myself die.

I had killed maybe fifteen before I wasn't fast enough with the blade and someone managed to scream out a warning. I immediately stabbed him and leapt into the air, flying as high as I could get as fast as I could get. In seconds that place would be a killing ground for anyone that wasn't on their side. I managed to get to my planned spot on the palisade wall and was able to load my crossbow before the guards from the entrance discovered my grim mess and woke up the entire camp.

Bleary eyed soldiers weakly gripped heavy weapons as they hunted the camp for any signs of an intruder or a traitor. None thought to look up, as what enemy did they have that could fly? Women and… and children started to come out of the tents, but by the time I saw them I couldn't have stopped the first fiery bolt that was fired into the mass of tents.

I felt tears on my face as I heard the screams. And it was as I predicted: The flames spread far and fast. They were licking the sides of the walls as my group of naga warriors reached the enclave. The enemies were too busy trying to put out flames, trying to save their families, trying to find lost friends to try to fight.

I managed to hold onto myself long enough to shoot one of the few warriors putting up a fight, just as he was about to drive a spike into one of our warrior's brains. I did what I could from my perch, not daring the fiery air currents under my relatively inexperienced wings. My men didn't stay long anyway; there was little they needed to do, and the fire was making it increasingly dangerous for anyone to stay behind. They pulled out as suddenly as they had entered, leaving a stunned group of survivors behind with nowhere to go and nothing to do but help pick up the pieces or try to escape. I saw parts of the two gates start to collapse, trapping most of the survivors inside. I dived down to where I had left the group, grabbed my cloak, and waited, cleaning myself up as best as I could.

It didn't take long to the boisterous group to return. They were ecstatic in their victory, though they had apparently been hoping for the chance to loot. "But," the leader assured me, "I'd rather return home with all my warriors alive than with half dead and only plunder to show for it."

I smiled weakly at him, and asked him a favor: "Don't tell the ponies my part in this. I might need work with them again, and they don't deal with cold murderers."

He agreed, but said a feast would be held one way or another in honor of the victory. I was really, really looking forward to that, if nothing else. These naga were part snake. Snakes eat meat. I was still craving meat, even after so long. I just hoped they would cook it.

On the way back, I treated wounds as best I could. Most were minor burns, but there were a few cuts I was able to sterilize with alcohol and bind together; I wasn't a medic, but I could tie a knot. I didn't know how to suture scales together, but I figured they had some method for it. I offered the worst of the injured a drink for the pain, but after a whiff of the contents they changed their minds.

"What is that stuff?" one of them asked me.

"Poison," I answered, then took a nice swig of it. They laughed, not sure if they should take me seriously, but suspiciously rubbed at their wounds when they thought I couldn't see.

I was doing anything to keep my mind off the scenes in the camp. My soul was stained red with blood and black with fire.

But the rest of that night was spent in celebration. Their women loved me, when I brought all their men home safe. Their children loved me when they heard of the cutting figure I made to the warriors who had seen me on the palisade, wings outstretched for balance, fire drawing a pulsing orange glow to my features, crossbow to my shoulder, sniping down into the dying camp as I killed indiscriminately—not a description I gave them, of course. Their men were impressed by my solo journey into their camp, and my kill count was exaggerated by every retelling of the tale as it loudly made its way around the caves.

The family of the warrior I had personally saved from getting spiked invited me to be their guest after the feast, and after a hesitant look at the innocent warmth of Pinkie Pie's family, I quietly agreed.

When the ponies asked me what had happened at the camp, I just said, "I did what I was paid to do. You're free to go home. Just… just don't visit the camp. Ever."

One look at my face told them not to question me. When I left for the feast, they stayed behind; they didn't think the naga would have food that would be fitting to their tastes. I told them where I would be afterwards, if they needed me.

The feast was alright. Knowing the ponies weren't there, the naga had no compunctions about giving credit where it was due. I was rather highly acclaimed. Personally, I'm not much a fan of all that, but whatever. And—mercy of all mercies—they actually had cooked meat! I don't know what animal it was from and I didn't care; it tasted like sex in my mouth. Just… without the disturbing mental image that portrays.

In an effort to explain my ravenous devouring, I explained, "I've been living among the ponies for too long. They are all vegetarians, and dislike any killing. Hell, I've only been hired to kill one pony my entire career there, and she managed to escape before I landed the killing blow."

That opened a load of questions, and I was asked about topics ranging from where I came from, what kind of jobs I worked in the past, my future plans, and a few disturbing questions about ponies by some of the creepier males that I don't feel like repeating. I answered them all mostly truthfully, though: I came from another world and had been summoned here to protect a unicorn for a while, and since I was stuck here I was going to return back to pony-held land and try to find more work, and the creepier questions I was able to answer better than I wish I could have. It was mostly truthful.

"You are always welcome here, Navarone, if your plans in Equestria fall through. It has been a long time since we beheld a warrior of your nature!" the leader told me.

"I am not as much of a warrior as I am an assassin," I replied. "In a straight up fight I fear I would be of little use. But I have no compunctions about fighting unfairly and using tricks to win."

"Dirty fighting is an art unto itself," he agreed. "And even assassins have a home on the battlefield," said with a nod to the fellow I saved.

The feast ended with requests of tales of warriors from my homeland. I spun a few from books I had read, Arthurian legends and the like; they wouldn't know about guns and explaining wouldn't be worth the effort. And hell, it's not like I had any stories of my own to tell.

So it was with a full belly and a heavy mind that I walked with the fellow I saved to his abode. I was half-heartedly joking with him about something or another, and my forced laughter and his unfeigned laughter rang through the caves. None of these naga seemed to have any names, I had noticed, or if they did they didn't tell strangers.

None of us waited long to hit the sack. Thankfully I still had my cloak; the naga don't seem to believe in silly things such as mattresses or pillows.

I didn't get to sleep long, though; when I said their women loved me, I didn't realize at the time how much they did.

(Incoming clop. If you don't want to read it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

I wasn't asleep long before I felt a gentle tugging on my legs. I groggily opened my eyes to see if I could tell what was doing it, and sat up.

What I saw was somewhat disquieting: A naga was trying to pull my pants off. I sat up as fast as I could and tried to push myself away on my hands and legs. "What are you doing?" I demanded, barely able to see her bemused look in the dim cave.

"My apologies for being late, guest. But there was a bit of a… debate… as to who would keep you company this night." She smiled, showing very many disturbingly sharp teeth, and finished with, "I won."

Dreading the answer, but knowing it needed to be put out there, I asked, "And what manner of company are you? I'll admit, it's a little bit cold in these caves."

"I'm here to warm you up, of course…" I felt her tail start to wrap itself around my waist. With a bit of a vicious tug, she ripped my pants off, belt and all.

I tried reasoning, "If you're here to keep me warm, removing clothes is hardly productive."

She didn't say anything, and continued wrapping her tail about my body. I didn't realize how long the damn things were until now: My legs were buried under her tail, and there was still plenty of slack.

She used her hold on me to drag me closer to her, and before I could react, pushed me to the floor. I flinched at the expected crushing weight on my wings, but I discovered she used a bit of her tail slack to create a small buffer between me and the floor, allowing me to actually lie on my back.

"I find it somewhat hard to believe that this is common practice for the naga," I said. From what I had seen, their males were very dominant.

"You aren't a naga. And you are rather small, easily toyed with. I figured you wouldn't mind too much, given that you are so used to taking orders from females anyway." I assumed she meant my dealings with Pinkie Pie. She continued, "And this is a good chance to display my more… dominant side."

At this point, I was almost completely immobile. I could twist my head around and barely shift my wings, but my legs were locked and my arms were locked. I really, really hate being bound, but I was pretty sure I wasn't going anywhere until she got what she wanted.

She took my head in her hands and forced my gaze downward. Her tail parted a bit, allowing my shaft to poke through. I wasn't very hard at all, since this situation was more scary to me at the time than anything else. "Now, now, human. We can't do anything with you in that shape, can we?" she mocked. The tip of her tail slithered up to my head and gently teased me.

It didn't take me that long to start getting hard. I'm not exactly sexually active, after all. When I started expanding, her tail started stroking me gently, before she wrapped her tail around it and guided my head to the lips of her pussy.

I didn't notice it at the time, since I was a bit more preoccupied by her gentle ministrations of my shaft, but a little slit had opened in her tail, right under her stomach. It was very moist, practically dripping with anticipation.

"You're really getting off to this," I commented, before she pushed me in and shut me right up. She felt nothing at all like a pony, that's for damn sure. When she hilted me, I felt a deep chill in her, cold enough to get me to struggle to pull myself out.

She saw that struggle and misinterpreted it. "I don't think I'm the only one," she whispered, referring to my comment. "Already trying to buck. But I think you'll find _I _am in control here." With that, she thankfully started moving her… hips? Whatever it is she had, she started moving it, building a nice rhythm against my entire cock. Since she was so wet there wasn't much friction to build up heat, but the pleasure quickly outweighed the cold. She also noticed the heat difference, and said with a moan, "So warm!"

_I never knew scales could be so soft_… She pulled my face up and tried to smother me in her boobs. I wasn't going to complain; they felt deceptively nice.

Unfortunately, I was getting close and I knew it; as I said, I'm not exactly sexually active. I pried my head away from her chest and said, "I'm pretty close, naga."

She was not happy to hear that. "Close already?" she hissed, slowing down. "What are you, a virgin?"

"Practically, yes. It has been half a year since I got laid. Ponies are hideous to me, I can't stand the thought of having sex with one."

She snorted with derision, but pulled her body off me, letting my member free from her cold insides. "I can think of other ways you can pleasure me, guest."

I opened my mouth to mention something along the lines of her being sent here to pleasure the guest, not the other way around, but as soon as my mouth opened I found myself mouth-to-slit on her. I knew what she wanted, but I know I didn't want to give it.

"You have a choice here, human," she said, noticing my reluctance. "You can either give _me _what I want, or I leave and you can give the other twenty single females up here what _they _want."

Why can't I just find a normal—relatively normal, given where I live—girl that just wants normal sex? Not rape, not tying me up, not using magic to force me into something, just sex. Of course, if I had known at the time how _bad _things would be getting, I would thank my lucky stars this is all I had to deal with.

I gently eased my tongue to her slit and tried to slowly ease it inside. As soon as she saw my tongue moving, though, she grabbed my head and pushed me into her. Even though I knew I couldn't overpower her, I was really wishing I could have my hands back; at least I could have tried to resist, instead of just being forced to take it.

_Fuck it, this is_ going _to happen, no matter how much I fight it._ I started going at it with a lot more passion at that point—I couldn't stop it, but maybe I could speed it up. I couldn't find a clit on her, so I just worked my way inside of her, through the cold, trying to find any warmth at all. I heard a few moans start escaping her lips, and knew that at least she wouldn't be too pissed at me.

When she finally let my head go so I could come up for air, I found what I had been looking for: Her sweet little clit. With a vicious smile, I tweaked it with my tongue. It was a lot warmer than her insides had been, though that might have something to do with the fact that my head had just been occupying that space.

With my assault on her clit came the _true _moans of pleasure from her. As my efforts continued, I heard her say, "I was beginning to have my doubts about you, human! Now I know why those little ponies keep you around…" Apparently she doesn't listen well. Or maybe she just doesn't pay attention.

I felt her hands on my head again, just in time for a rush of liquid shooting out of her pussy. I felt her tail contracting, squeezing me all over. She forced my face back in to catch the brunt of the blast. Thankfully, it was relatively sweet, despite her diet. Seeing no other choice, I lapped it in as best as I could.

When she was relatively clean of her fluids, she pulled my face away from her again. I could barely feel my tongue at that point. "Aren't you glad you decided to cooperate, human?" she asked with what she probably thought was a sweet tone. It sounded about as guttural as anything else these bloody naga said, to my ears.

Still, I knew I had to give some manner of answer, so I gave her a weak smile I was hoping she would be able to see, my face still dripping with naga juices.

"Now, how about we give you some of what you want?" she said with a little smile. What _I _wanted was to go find the ponies and sleep with them in their warm, safe, non-rapist filled room. Well, mostly non-rapist; Pinkie has gotten better. This naga was not a mind reader.

I saw her tail open a bit more, letting my cock loose again. She quickly positioned herself back over it and lowered herself back down. My warm shaft was suddenly plagued with the cold again. It was not a pleasant feeling, but it started getting better when she began moving again.

It didn't take me long to reach my peak again, and this time I didn't give her a warning; I couldn't have if I had wanted to, the way she was holding me against her chest again. I heard and felt her gasp when I shot my load inside her. "So warm…" she whispered, her voice fluttering slightly. I felt her tail shudder all along my body.

She pulled my face away from her body. I was barely able to make out a smile on her face. "So, human, how was it?" she asked.

"Cold," I answered. "Very, very cold. I don't suppose you can let me go now?"

"That's all you have to say?" she asked, disappointed. "I thought you were supposed to be a great warrior, hardened to all manner of discomfort!"

What I really wanted to say was _I just got raped. Let's see how you deal with that_. What I did say, though, was, "I've had a long day."

She hmphed at that, but started to unwind her tail. "You gave me what I wanted, so I suppose it's only fair I give you want you want. Though most of the males of this clan would prefer to sleep with a female coiled with them rather than alone."

I figured that was as good a chance as any to further my image of warrior. "Sleeping alone means you have to worry less about catching a knife in the heart."

She stopped unwinding and for a second I thought I fucked up. She said, "After what you did to help us, none of us would hurt you. If you are truly afraid of getting hurt by one of us, though, I can think of a great way to hide you…" Her tail started to constrict me again. Thankfully, I had use of my hands at that point and did my best to pull myself out.

"I think I'll be fine, actually," I said. She gave off a little sigh and finally let me all the way free.

She turned her head to the door and I thought I was finally free of her, but she suddenly looked back to me. "Human, I know you wish to be alone, but… You see, we rarely get any guests as _warm _as you are!" She reached a hand out to my face and caressed it lightly. I don't know how I stopped myself from jerking back. "You don't seem to like being constricted, but… can I at least sleep next to you? Just holding you with my arms?" The hopeful tone in her voice gave me a pit in my stomach.

_What if I wake up and she wants seconds?_

_What if she decides to constrict me during the night and I _don't _wake up?_

But… If she leaves, will I actually stay alone all night? Or will another naga come to replace her?

She mistook my silence for a no and turned to go again. "Wait," I said, knowing I might regret it. She looked back and I knew I would see hope on her face if I could see better in the dark. "If you keep your tail away from me, you can stay. And you won't get a repeat of this little performance, either," I said, reaching for my pants. Thankfully, the belt was undamaged. I slid them on as she slithered back over to me.

Although… "I don't suppose your tail could function as a pillow?" I asked.

She gently lifted me up and I almost freaked out a bit, but she just as gently lowered me back down to my back. She used her tail to give me an entire bed. "This is how we usually sleep, human," she said, lying down next to me.

I reached over to grab my cloak; I had been using it as a pillow, but now… I threw it over the both of us. I heard her laugh slightly in surprise. "Why did we never think of this?" she asked, marveling over something as simple as a blanket. Without another word, she threw her arms around me and pulled me closer to her. With my wings, there was very little maneuvering I could do, but I managed to get my arms around her as well.

"Warm?" I asked. She just answered by snuggling even closer against me.

(Sex is over)

So for the second day in a row, I woke up way too early and in an unfamiliar place. The naga, it appeared, were the evil type of people in the world known as early risers. And they were all too bloody chipper about it, the sick bastards.

I stretched what I could and tried to shake the kinks out of my wings. The kid that came to wake me up stared in wonder as I popped my fingers, back, neck, toes, and legs.

I had him lead me to where the ponies were still sleeping and then sent him away. I settled down to wait for them to wake up and ended up falling asleep myself.

I awoke with a start when I felt the pony I had apparently taken to using as a pillow shift. For the third time in a row I woke up in an unfamiliar place. At least this time I woke up on top of Fluttershy, who was just as soft as I joked a few months ago in Canterlot. She was also pretty warm, compared to the chilly cave. I don't remember lying against her, but as tired as I was it wouldn't be surprising.

She was also very awake, and curious as to what was lying on her, as well as why it was doing so. "Oh, hi Navarone. Was your own bed not warm enough?"

_Warmer than I'll admit to_. "Nay, lass. I came by some time ago when I was woken up by a wee little lad. No one here was awake, and I guess I put my head down for a minute and accidentally fell asleep. Too much time running on too little sleep, you know."

We were the only two awake at the time, so we were whispering to try not to wake up the others. I sat up off her belly so she could breathe easier.

"So… what _did _happen last night?" she asked.

"It was… it was bad. Terrible. So many… I don't want to tell you. I don't want to tell any pony. It is better you don't know. And don't tell Pinkie Pie that, either; she would hate to know what I had to do to get her parents free." She nodded solemnly, and left it alone.

"How was the feast, at least?"

"Wonderful. You wouldn't have liked it, but to me it was like entering Valhalla, minus the mead. Great food, wonderful company, exotic womenfolk. And they know how to tell a good story."

"Are you sure you want to go back to Ponyville with us?"

"Despite all my bluster, lass, I am not a warrior. I feel absolutely horrid for what I did yesterday. I want nothing more to do with battles, unless it is necessary." Though I admit, the rewards were definitely interesting. But the ponies didn't need to know about that. Especially not Fluttershy. The rewards besides the sword, knife, and striker they let me keep, I mean.

"It is good to see you finally revoking your more violent side, even if it might not be permanent."

"Don't get too used to it. Remember, to the others all we're doing is dancing out here. If I come back completely changed they might think something is up, and that could raise questions Pinkie Pie wouldn't want to have to answer. I'm a good liar. You're not." There was also the fact that I still didn't mind killing people that I knew deserved it, but that also didn't need to be mentioned to Fluttershy.

"I think you sometimes forget you're not living among humans anymore. Most of our friends would probably be too happy to find you changed to question how it happened. And if you're as good a liar as you claim, I don't know why you can't make up some manner of excuse, or a claim of a sudden realization that I had nothing to do with."

"Because despite everything, changing is hard. And I don't know if I want to change in the short term only to end up just as I was, with nothing to show for it but a broken promise."

"Oh… If you say so.

I just shrugged. My shocking realizations of the night before were fading away, though in the gloom of the cave they still seemed real. I felt changed, but I don't honestly know if it was a tangible change or not. Days later, as I sit writing this, I still find myself wondering.

We did little more in the way of discussion, and settled in to wait for the others to awaken. It didn't take overlong, thankfully; Pinkie Pie's family was used to waking up early, as farmers. Even though, you know, they fucking farmed rocks. Not like you have to wake up early to make sure they don't get stolen or wander away. Seriously, how is that even a thing?

They were much more used to waking up in a cave than I was, from their long weeks of confinement. The father woke up first, despite his age, and motioned for me to join him outside their little living area. I got off Fluttershy again—really, she was a much better pillow than my cloak, and she didn't seem to mind anyway—and joined him.

"You seem awfully close to your charges, for a mercenary," he said, remarking on my closeness with Fluttershy. I didn't comment. After a moment, he continued, "Still, you got us freed, even though we're still here. I don't talk about it much, but I have a small stash of bits saved up for cases like this. It isn't much, but…"

"My… payment… has already been arranged. It is unprofessional to accept more than what was agreed upon. Thank you, but no."

"Surely there must be something we can do for you, some way to show our gratitude!"

"Show it by never allowing your family near the site of the naga camp we raided last night. We left before the fire was put out, so I don't know how much is left, but it would not be a pleasant site for ponies. For anyone, really."

"What… what happened, exactly?"

"Don't ask. And don't let the naga tell you. And don't go looking. Just accept that it's done. You might want to stay here a few days while the naga on our side round up any survivors, though I don't imagine there's much fight left in them. I'll leave that up to you. I want nothing more to do with this war. Personally, given the choice I would have left last night. But I am bound by contract to your daughter until she arranges transportation home."

"You're not really a mercenary, are you?"

I looked at him, trying to decide how to answer. I suppose I could technically call myself a merc, but in truth that title didn't fit me. I decided to do what I rarely do: Tell the truth. "I'm a friend of theirs—Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I mean. I was… Fuck it, I'm not going to lie: Pinkie Pie kidnapped both of us to help her. We would have agreed to help her if she had asked, but whatever, here we are. Shit, Fluttershy was brought along more as an excuse for getting me here. My job was supposed to be to sneak in the caves, rescue you, and bring you back out with the naga none-the-wiser. But Fluttershy is a crappy liar so I ended up working with them instead. The merc title is just what I chose to make it easier to explain to the naga, and they took that as meaning I was a warrior for hire."

"That does sound like Pinkamena…" he muttered. "We'll have to talk about that before she leaves again. You know, if you are for hire, I could use some help around the farm. My back isn't what it used to be, and rocks never were light."

"Ah, no!" I said, a tad too quickly. I continued, slower, "You know how women are; they always manage to get into messes. So very often it seems I'm the one that ends up pulling them through. Your daughter and her friends are no different." Not entirely true. In fact, it was pretty close to patently false, but whatever, it got the desired reaction. He smiled and nodded, dropping the point. I have done some odd things in my short nineteen years of life, and I had no desire to add rock farming to the list.

"But if you aren't a mercenary, that means you aren't getting paid by my daughter. So why can't you accept a token of gratitude?"

_Mo money mo problems_ is what I wanted to say, but he wouldn't have gotten that. So instead I settled with, "You need it more than I do; my meals and board are provided for by the crown." Let him make of that what he would. It was technically true; Twilight lived in the library through the grace of Celestia, and I lived with Twilight. And since Twilight was technically an agent of the crown, and it was usually her feeding me, the crown was providing for that as well. Not to say I was a complete freeloader, mind; I did the occasional odd job and whatnot. I also helped with some research.

And then there were events like this, where I solved a possible regional inter-warfare crisis between two rival extra-pony groups. Though my methods were not at all the preferred methods for something like this; if Twilight had been here, the two groups would have ended up laying down their arms and cooperating peacefully, in brotherhood and harmony. Until they remembered what and who they were and one side or the other conducted their own version of the Kristallnacht upon the other. My method wasn't pretty but it was permanent.

"You know," I told him, "you could move and farm something else. Like, where there aren't a bunch of carnivorous snake people. And farm something that actually grows." _Or makes sense._

"No, no. I've been here so long now I wouldn't know what else to do. This farm has been in our family for generations. I couldn't just up and leave…" _Even though your land is terribly depressing, you risk possible death by naga, and one of your daughters is hundreds of miles away. Right._

I just shrugged and said, "Your life."

I was saved from further conversation by more stirring from within. The rest of the party was waking up. We returned before our absence was noted.

Pinkie Pie was rather happy to see us all in one place, and primed to stay that way for a bit. I'm sure that if she had the supplies she would have thrown a party right then and there. The rest of the family was pleased they would get to go home soon, blissfully unaware of the cost. Fluttershy, who never much cares to leave her animals in the first place, was looking forward to getting home soon. I found myself agreeing; this place was not good on my mind.

All was in order for our departure, and we started to make our way out. We were passing a large chamber just before the entrance to the tunnel that would take us out when I was called aside by one of the leader naga. He waved the rest of the group forwards, and I nodded at Pinkie Pie to show I'd catch up.

"There is something I'd like to show you, human Navarone," the leader told me. If I knew them better, I'd made a joke about trouser snakes, but as it was I abstained. They didn't wear pants anyway.

"I hope you don't plan to keep me overly long from my employer. She may still need protecting, unless you sent warriors to finish mopping up the remnants of the enemy."

"My naga will watch her family for some time. You need not worry about them."

"Then I will see what you have to show me."

We went through a side passage that I had barely noticed until then, my quiet cloth-shoed footfalls loudly overrun by his raspy slithering. _If they want to kill me, my body would never be found_. It was not a comforting realization, especially given the caveat I gave them the night before, about my status as an assassin and not a warrior.

I decided to pull out my crossbow and check it over for damage as we went, as a hint of sorts. We talked of strategy and combat on the way through the caverns. There was little lighting, for most of the naga knew their way through the caves. But what little I could see took my breath away. There were a few massive cavities, extending so high up I couldn't see the top. There were a few pitfalls so deep that I couldn't see the bottom, bridged only by narrow constructions of rope and wood, and it took echoes from the bottom minutes to reach us.

There was one point when we entered one of those massive cavities where we paused. I looked, and lining the wall were tombs, in which I assumed great warriors were laid. We spent a few moments of respect, with him telling me the history of a few notable naga from his clan. I didn't much care, personally, but I was able to respect their history. At that point, I was thinking that was what he had wanted to show me, but when he started moving forward again I unhesitatingly followed.

We went through one room completely lined by massive sapphires, all grown into the wall and engraved with historical scenes. There was a single torch in the room, and that was all it needed: The walls glittered and shined dazzlingly, bathing the entire room in a brilliant blue shade. I could barely see any of the scenes on the wall, but I didn't need to see them to understand their significance. Rarity would have killed to have been able to mine that room. She would have been killed had she tried it, too.

We finally stopped again at a massive—super massive; this place was bigger than any of the rooms we went through, possibly combined—pool of water. Inside it were schools of bioluminescent fish dancing merrily through the waves, chasing blind fish that evolved for the perfect darkness of the area. Their lights, mixed with the torches lining some parts of the walls, gave the room a warm, faint glow. From what I could see of the water, it was perfectly clear and completely unsilted. Even with the fish and the torches, I couldn't see the bottom of it. I could see a single slant of light illuminating a perfect circle near the middle of the lake, and descending from that was a long rope leading all the way from the ceiling to the water.

It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. If I had lost my eyes afterwards, I don't know if I would have been sad; I had seen the most beautiful thing the world had to offer. What more was there?

I saw more naga around and in the water, easily surviving above the water and below it. A few of them were surprised to see me there, but upon seeing their war leader they didn't comment. Some even called greetings. We each raised a hand in response.

"Why… did you bring me here?" I weakly asked.

"A few reasons. One, to show you for what you fought yesterday. What you saw out in front caverns is where we live when we might need to access the surface easily. Most of our warriors live there full time, and take occasional breaks here to get their scales and gills wet. Their families live there with them. Almost no outsider ever sees this area, as it houses our people. Our innocent people, mind."

"I am glad to know I didn't kill a large group of naga for just the few souls I saw in the front caverns, that is for sure. I have not been a part of a slaughter like that in a long time…"

"Another reason is that I would like you to reconsider returning to the ponies. You said yourself they don't use you to your full potential. You don't even know how to properly fight! That little toy at your side is good for shooting animals, but there is no glory in fighting with it! Stay with us, and learn to fight like a naga."

It was a somewhat tempting offer, honestly. It would give me a chance to escape from Luna, as she would never be able to find me down here. Meat and fish would be easier to find. Their women were… inviting. And I was growing a bit weary living among the ponies; they were all nice, but most still found it hard to deal with me.

But there were downsides as well. One, I'm not aquatic. Two, I don't want to live in mostly darkness forever. Three, I have fucking wings, and this is a bloody cave. There are a few places I could fly, but not many. Four, fighting for glory and honor is stupid and a good way to get you killed early. Five, none of these naga really seemed that scholarly; discussions with them would most likely devolve into boasts, stories, and war, not logic and debate like I was getting used to.

After a long enough wait, I answered, "I am sorry, but my place is with the ponies, at least for now. They have few ways to solve their few problems that involve violence but with creatures like me. They rarely need violence, but when they do someone has to be able to do it. Few enough mercs walk their lands, which is probably a good thing." All technically true.

"That is the answer I was expecting, but not an answer I am pleased to hear. There is one more thing you could do for my people, if you would be so kind. It isn't something that is hard, but something we cannot do."

"Name it, and I will see what I can do."

"We need your wings. My people… do not like fliers. Of any kind. Both fish and snakes do not have many defenses when it comes to birds, and that translated through to us. But sometimes we need them, and ponies rarely show themselves worthy of working with us."

"What do you need me to do?"

"Take several torches and light up our sky." He waved his arm upwards, showing the empty darkness that ruled above us. There were a few weakly flickering lights above us, what I at first thought were more gemstones, but now realized were actually almost dead torches. I wondered what they were hiding up there, then.

"Bring me torches," I said as I started unclasping my cloak. I removed the crossbow and the bolts from my back and unclipped the sword belt from my waist. I shook out and stretched my wings as I waited for the torches. I thought of the rope, and asked, "Where does that rope lead, and why can't you use it for the torches?"

"The smoke from the torches has to go somewhere. You remember the well behind the farmer's house? That rope is the bucket rope for it. Our warriors can climb up it, but once they get to the ceiling, they can't hold on as well."

"And… the ponies know about this?"

"They know that we use the well sometimes. They don't know its significance, though."

Good to know. Then someone finally brought me some torches.

"Along the wall are a few sconces. Some are inlaid into the wall, some are jutting out. Just slide a torch in everywhere you can fit one," their engineer told me. I was given a pack of empty torches that I clipped around my waist, and a lit one to guide me on my way and to light the further ones.

It was a long, painful job. As I said before, the chamber was just absolutely massive. I had to take several trips to get more torches. I could tell they had been stockpiling them for a while. It involved more climbing and hanging than actual flying, and both my wings and arms were wooden and stiff by the time I was getting done.

When I landed for the last time, I barely had enough energy to get me into the air one more time. But this trip was special to me. I took off everything but my pants and leapt into the air. I flew several hundred feet into the center of the pool, and just dove in.

I had to have spent at least half an hour in the cool water, letting my wings soak and recover. The glow from the roof was brilliant, and I could see patterns in the torches and some bits of artwork on the ceiling. Right before I dove into the water, I noticed that I could see all the way to the bottom of the pool; there were a few hundred naga on the bottom, finally lit up and able to see well.

It was incredibly peaceful, with the gentle lapping of water at the shore barely at the edge of perceptibility and the unheard sounds of the bustling community below me. I hardly wanted to drag myself out of the pool, but I knew Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy would be worried until I came back. I slowly started paddling out with my arms. My wings trailed gently behind me.

When I finally reached the shore, the leader smiled down at me. "As far as I'm concerned, you are always welcome here, Navarone, wings and pony-lover be damned. You helped save us from our enemies and you lit up the world for us. I know you feel the need to return to the ponies, but feel free to come back here whenever you want." I nodded at his remarks, happy to hear them. "I would lead you back to the surface myself, but I am needed at a council meeting; we military naga know the threat is extinguished, but politicians always like to blather on."

We clasped hands, and he slid beneath the waves, leaving me with a small group of warriors that weren't with the raiders last night. I would have climbed up the rope, but there was no way in hell I was strong enough to climb that high. I could fly half the distance, but even then I couldn't climb the rest of the way. As they led me to the surface, they asked for stories of the night before. I told a few, exaggerating the effect their own warriors had. They then started asking for stories of my homeland, and I told a few of those. Before I knew it, I was dry and on the surface, cloak wrapped again about me.

Most of the warriors in the group split off on the way to the surface, and all but one guide left us when we got outside. The last guide and I slowly made our way to Pinkie Pie's farm, where I found a large surprise party waiting for me. Not so much a surprise when you know Pinkie Pie, but whatever. We invited the guide to stay, but he took one look at the decorations and politely declined. I wish I could have declined as well, but you know Pinkie Pie. I generally pretend to enjoy them for her benefit; there are times I think she's codependent, and would go on a self-destructive spiral if she couldn't keep others entertained.

It was definitely an interesting contrast to the feast I had with the naga. I mean, it's like going from an ancient Scandinavian/Viking feast, missing only mead, to a bloody five year old's birthday party. It was a bit of a disappointing swap, and I was really tempted to bring out the alcohol and let the adults take a nice shot, but I managed to restrain myself. After the wounds I dealt with the night before, I only had one flask left, and that wouldn't be enough to get a pony buzzed.

And while I'm not going to say I didn't take a shot or two, fuck you.

The next morning, I woke up to a banging at the front door. In an unfamiliar place, yet again. Since it wasn't my house, I didn't even care about the knocking, until I heard a scream. Before I even registered what I was hearing I was already up and out the window with the sword belt in my hand. Since it was so hot I had left the bloody window open, dust be damned. I should mention again, in case I haven't before: I don't know how to use a sword, other than that the pointy end goes into the other person.

I glided to the ground and had the sword unsheathed and pointed rather harshly into the back of the naga that was intruding. "Friend or foe, I don't care: Drop your sword belt, and don't even think about drawing steel."

It very, very slowly did as I asked. Pinkie Pie's mother at the front door looked horrified, and the rest of the group were gathering behind her in various states of shock.

But the look of horror on the mother's face changed to one of slight compassion, as she beheld the look on the naga's face. I couldn't see it myself, but apparently it was a pitiful mix of fear, sorrow, and resignation. Before I was fully aware of what was happening, she was ushering him inside, through expressions of doubt voiced by the husband.

I checked the naga's sword belt where he dropped it and found the damn thing was actually empty; the sheath was there, but the sword was gone. That didn't cause me to put my blade away, but rather caused me more concern. This was almost definitely a refugee from the camp; what was he doing here? And how did he get through the sentries I was promised?

As I followed the naga and the mother in, I whispered to Fluttershy, "Go get my crossbow and the bolts. I have a bad feeling." She took a look at my face, audibly gulped, and rushed off to get them.

As we marched the prisoner into the kitchen, I took a second to study him. He was smaller than most naga I had seen and looked a lot younger. Most of the others had some tattoos or markings to identify them as warriors, but this one had nothing.

When we got to the kitchen, I kicked everyone out but the father and the mother. Pinkie Pie didn't want to leave, but an executive override from the father was something even her usual insanity couldn't pierce.

When the naga finally saw me, he turned about as white as possible for a snake fish thing and spluttered out an aggrieved "Monster!" If I didn't have the sword on him, he would have attacked me. As it was, I know he considered impaling himself if it would have meant getting his hands on me for even a second.

I turned to the mother. "Leave." She did so, after a lingering look at her husband.

When she had left and we locked the door behind her, I asked it, "Why did you come here?"

He hissed at me, and answered toward the farmer instead. "Asylum. There is nowhere left for me. I was the only survivor, after this _thing _destroyed our camp. Ponies are known for their tolerance. I see now they even tolerate monsters."

"Strong words, coming from a snake-fish beast," I answered.

"Enough," the father pronounced. "So you want asylum. Why should I give it to you?"

"My family is dead. My friends are dead. My clan is dead," the naga wailed. "There is nothing left for me. I can work here or I can leave and die. The native naga here will kill me if I leave this building without you by my side. They laughingly sent me here without a weapon. They didn't tell me… _this _was here," he hissed, with an angry motion in my direction. Probably figured I would kill him and save them the trouble. One last trick to a grieving enemy.

After a look from the father, I held my tongue. After that look, though, he got thoughtful. "You can work, you said. Do you know any farming work?" _Ultimate punishment, right there. Have your family killed and then get pressed into a rock farm_.

"I was a scout. That is why I was away from the camp when… it was destroyed. I saw it, though. I saw this monster pouring fire from the heavens on it!"

Very calmly, the father said, "If you keep talking badly about my guests, I will throw you out of this house myself. If you want any manner of asylum here, you will have to work for it, and respect my word."

I walked over to the farmer and whispered, "You sure this is wise?"

"He's young, Navarone. Have some compassion. Did you learn nothing from this?"

"I learned that naga are fucking dangerous." I didn't give him a chance to respond, walking away.

After an intense internal debate, the farmer decided. "You can stay. If you don't like the work, I'll pay a train ticket for you to go anywhere reasonable." Not the choice I would have made. I couldn't have trusted my family to something carnivorous, if I was an herbivore. But it wasn't my call.

After a look at my face, the farmer said, "Anypony can change."

"Yes, but so few rarely bother to." He couldn't answer that, aside from a vague call to 'have some faith.'

When we told the rest, I got responses I expected. Incredulity mixed with acceptance, with a tinge of fear from Fluttershy. The only request the naga made was that I leave as soon as possible, which I was planning on doing anyway. That farm was depressing as all hell. I don't know how anyone could keep a will to live there.

So it was that we found ourselves on a train home before the day was out.

"If anyone asks," I said, "these are props." That was in reference to the sword, knife and two fire starters I had from the naga.

"Of course. And we were dancing all the time," Pinkie Pie said.

"This doesn't feel right, lying to them. They would understand," Fluttershy said.

"It would raise questions I don't want to answer," I told her. She knew a bit of what I meant, from the conversation in the cave, but Pinkie Pie didn't.

"What do you mean, Nav? You're a hero!"

"The path of a hero is strewn with bodies of those slain to prove his mettle."

"But heroes always save the ponies in the stories."

"Maybe in your stories. In mine, most of the heroes are made from killing more of the enemy than anyone else." She was having none of it, though. Thankfully, her warnings to us to keep silent about the affairs held to herself, and she stopped her thanksgivings to me when we arrived back home.

When asked how the trip was, we replied with, "It was interesting." I kept the other bottle of alcohol, just in case. Seriously, how much of that shit was Applejack making?


	15. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen—Instrumentalists and fillies

About half a month after the little naga trip, I noticed an aquamarine unicorn following me. Now, I had seen this chick watching me several times, but she usually left it at watching. Of course, I was watched by just about all the ponies in town anyway, so that was hardly surprising. Her eyes seemed a bit too intent for my liking, is all.

But today, it seemed, she decided to follow me. This went on for about three blocks before I decided to turn down a short alley. I kept walking, looking back occasionally. She stopped at the alley entrance for a bit and watched me a while before continuing on._ Maybe it was just me._

It wasn't. The same thing happened the next day in a different part of town. When I noticed, I started walking out of town. Just a few gradual changes in my path, nothing much, but I made sure I was outside of town. She stopped at the town limits and watched me for a while before turning back.

The same thing happened the next day. And the next. By the fifth day, she was bolder, and followed me wherever I went, until I went into a building.

The sixth day I noticed her following me, I went to town hall. The town hall building itself is round, and there's a pretty big area around it that is empty of everything, leaving a wheel around it.

I walked around it a few times, slowly speeding up my pace. She wasn't paying _too _much attention to my speed. Before long I was right alongside her. "Hello, ma'am," I said.

She jumped.

"What's your name?" I asked in a conversational tone.

"L-l-lyra," she squeaked.

"Lyra… That's a nice name," I said. "Your cutie mark is a harp. Do you play?"

She nodded, more comfortable talking about something she was familiar with. "I'm not _famous _or anything, but I do play. It's actually a lyre, but that's pretty close to a harp!"

I smiled. "I've always wanted to learn to play an instrument, but I was always more of a piano kinda guy. Shame I never had the coordination for it." I sighed. "I miss some things from my world. Some of the music is one of them."

She was silent for a moment. She finally squeaked something again that sounded like she said, "And hands?"

I nodded. "Yeah, not very many of the people here having hands is kind of odd, I admit. Hooves are interesting, of course, but there's nothing like being able to just reach out and stroke something…" I gently poked her.

She shivered. "May I… Your hands…" She was kind of flustered. I stopped. "Oh, please don't be offended…" Then she saw my little smile. I held my hands up for her.

I felt her magic take them and pull them around a bit. She tweaked them a few times, flexed them in and out. She was staring with awe. She slowly pulled me closer by my hands, until I was gently rubbing her nose.

She released me with a wide smile and I slowly pulled my hand back. She said, "I don't suppose you would…" She blushed a little. "Would you like to hear me play?"

_Not sure I like where this is going_. "In a public setting, certainly. However, the princess has forbidden me from entering any private residence until more ponies accept me. She doesn't want anyone to think I might be harming someone." That was a lie, but eh.

She nodded. "I understand. I don't think Bon-Bon would like an unexpected visitor anyway! If you could just follow me and wait outside for a few minutes, I could grab my lyre and we could go to the park."

I thought for a moment. _Bon-Bon… That would work._ "Okay. Just make sure to invite your friend; music should be shared with as many people as possible, in my opinion."

Her smile grew even wider. "She always tells me the same thing! You'll have to keep a lookout for any possible gigs for me, friend!" She ran off and I followed, slower. She looked back when she was about fifty feet from me and gasped. She galloped back. "I forgot you were so slow! I'm sorry…"

"It's okay, Lyra. I can be faster when I choose, but it's a nice day out. Too nice to be hurrying, in my mind." She smiled before joining me at my side. She led me to a nondescript house and went inside. I knelt down and waited.

A few short minutes later Lyra came bundling out, holding a case in the air with magic. A very light yellow mare followed her out, closing the door behind her. She looked me up and down before giving a little shudder. The ponies here really weren't used to me, and I suppose some were still afraid even after what Celestia had said.

But they were always relatively polite about it. Lyra introduced us. "Bon-Bon, this is Navarone. Navarone, this is my special somepony Bon-Bon."

I nodded, smiling. "Nice to meet you, ma'am. Would you like to go to the park to hear Lyra play?"

She nodded stiffly. "I suppose," she said nervously. I nodded, still smiling.

Lyra clapped a bit, and led the way to a park. She kept up an inane chatter, trying to get her friend to warm up to me. I answered her as I could, not knowing much about the social scene in this place.

Finally, Bon-Bon said, "So Navarone, what did the Princess mean when she said you were good at dealing with unicorns?"

Lyra stopped talking. I stopped smiling.

"A few months ago Twilight got word that there was a power crazed unicorn doing terrible experiments in an abandoned castle," I said. "She knew I had a stronger stomach than most ponies, and brought me with her to confront the unicorn. We found… Well, let's just say that the unicorn in that castle was a murderer." They both gasped. "We broke through her defenses. I got to her just as she teleported away, but I managed to destroy her horn before she was fully gone." Lyra flinched. "The ensuing explosion destroyed the room we were in and turned me into a pegasus and Twilight into a human. The princess was able to change us back, thankfully."

"You… you cut off her horn?" Lyra quietly asked, horrified.

"No, I destroyed her horn," I answered. They looked at each other. "She was dangerous. I imagine the family of the pony that she murdered was thankful she wouldn't have the chance to hurt anyone else."

Bon-Bon slowly nodded. Lyra looked quite a bit off-put. We kept walking in silence for a while.

Bon-Bon broke the silence. "You're a good… well, not a good pony, but you're good, Navarone."

"It's nice to hear that, Bon-Bon," I answered. "I sometimes feel bad about what I did to her, but Twilight and I both knew it was for the best. I'm sorry if I ruined the mood with that story, but I don't like lying when someone asks me a question."

"It's… It's okay, Navarone," Lyra said. "I know just the song to fit the mood."

We were arriving at the park now. Lyra walked over to a tree that I swear had a groove in it from being sat under. She matched the spot perfectly and started setting up the instrument. Bon-Bon sat very close to her, watching her. I sat a few feet away, facing them both.

When she was ready, Lyra began to play. It was a beautiful, sorrowful song. It rang a few notes in my mind and for some reason sounded very familiar, but I didn't know why. When she finished, Bon-Bon was crying lightly, smiling. I was wearing my own little smile.

Lyra looked over at me. "What did you think?" she asked me.

"Beautiful," I answered. She beamed at me, and began to play much happier songs. We were at the park for a few hours, until the sun went down. It was a nice day…

I found out just how much booze Applejack was making a few days into winter, when a huge explosion rocked the countryside.

I was with Twilight at the time, talking about an interesting point of logic. As soon as the boom finished echoing, I looked dead at her and said, "I'm right here. This was not my fault."

"I don't know," she said, "you seem really wily. I wouldn't be surprised if you managed to find a way to be in two places at once." With that, we set off to find out what the hell happened.

In a typical human and apparently pony reaction, most everyone was staring out at the distance, trying to see whatever happened. Twilight and I were the only ones actually rushing to find out. And of course—as I feared—the trail led to Applejack's farm.

Now, there were a few good things to be said about this: One, it was winter, so all of the crops were in. Two, no one was in the fields. Three, I couldn't be logically blamed for it.

Applejack was still rather distraught at it, though. With all the snow on the ground and with no leaves to jump from one tree to another, the fire didn't spread that far. Stills aren't that cheap to make, though, and she probably lost a decent investment in the parts it took. I don't know why she was making that stuff anymore anyway; I could find no evidence of her actually using or selling it, and I kept a very, very close eye on it.

Thankfully, there was a large group of pegasi already there, getting clouds together to rain the fire out. There wasn't much for me or Twilight to do by the time we got there.

"Well, lass, I hope you learned a very valuable lesson today," I told Applejack after we got the fire put out.

"Yeah, build my stills away from trees! You didn't tell me they could explode!"

"No, the lesson you're supposed to be learning is that even though I allow you to produce this shit doesn't mean you should."

"What, does the actual alcohol itself randomly combust too?"

"It is flammable, if the percent alcohol is high enough, which it is. If someone trips over a lantern where you store it and there's enough of alcohol there, the explosion will be enough to make this look like a firecracker."

"I'm done with this stuff. Forget it. I'll hold onto what I have in case we ever need it, but I'm not making any more."

"Good girl." She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Twilight, I'm really not comfortable with being a magic guinea pig," I said. We were in the library and she was looking at me with predatory eyes.

"Oh come on, Nav! What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could die. Or be turned into a pony permanently. I don't actually know which of those would be worse."

"This isn't a permanent spell. It just lasts a few hours. You'll be fine!"

I sighed. She grinned, and cast the spell. A purple light arced at me, hit me dead in the chest, diffused around my body, collected in my wings, and shot right back at her. She had the chance to look surprised before it engulfed her in a cloud of purple.

I coughed out a bit of black smoke. "Holy shit," I rasped. "You okay, Twilight?" The cloud of purple was beginning to dissipate.

"Is that you, Shiny? What happ—" We saw each other at the same time. She looked a hell of a lot smaller and a lot cuter than she used to. Until she saw me, at least. Then her eyes opened as wide as they could, she screamed, reared back, her horn glowed, and I went flying backwards through the closed window. It shattered and sent me tumbling into the town.

I stopped tumbling at the feet of a very confused Applejack. "You alright, Nav?"

"No," I groaned. It felt like my back was fucked up and I know there was glass in my wings.

"What happened? Is Twilight okay?"

"She fucked a spell up. She was a lot smaller and very confused. Am I bleeding?"

She looked me up and down. "You'll be fine." That didn't answer my question. "Imma go check on Twi." She galloped up to the door of the library and burst in.

I started picking myself up off the ground, wincing as I did so. The crowd of ponies around me backed away when I stood. _I just got thrown out a window by someone they respect a hell of a lot more than me. They probably think I was attacking her._

I spread my wings, trying to feel for any damage. Apparently feathers make good shields for glass. Clothes, however, do not. I heard a loud and familiar gasp behind me. "Nav, what happened?"

"Twilight went crazy, Rarity. Is my back that bad?"

"Well… it's seen better days. Is Twilight okay?"

"Applejack is checking right now. Can you use your magic to pick any glass out?" She looked disgusted at the question. "It needs to come out or it won't heal right." Actually, I don't know how that would work with healing magic.

"I can… try. Come on to my shop, we'll get you cleaned up. Now, tell me what happened to Twilight." She started leading the way to her shop as I explained what happened. "That does sound like her," she muttered.

"Yeah. Cares nothing for safety. Mine or hers. It's just like her to defenestrate me for the fun of it."

She giggled. "That's a word I wouldn't have expected somepony like you to know."

"Rarity, you know I'm smart. I'm just uncouth and I don't care about using the manners I have."

"I know. You make it easy to forget sometimes." Rarity can be such a bitch at times. She tends to make up for it, though.

She pushed the door to her boutique open. "Come on in. Try not to bleed on anything."

"It's not that bad, is it?"

"How bad does it hurt?"

"I can tell you that it sure don't feel good."

We stopped in the kitchen. "Have a seat. I'll go get some towels and a bucket of water." I grabbed one of the kitchen seats and sat in it backwards so I didn't bleed on the wood. Blood stains are pretty hard to remove.

She didn't take long, thankfully. "It's a good thing Sweetie Belle left for home yesterday. I would hate for her to see this. Now take your shirt off."

"I didn't know you just wanted to get me naked." I pulled it off and noticed how messed up the back of it looked. She pulled it away with magic. I started feeling pinpricks in my back. I heard a few tingles as bits of glass fell to the floor. Occasionally a wet towel would rub over my back, making me flinch.

"This would be much easier if you didn't jump every time I touched you."

"I wouldn't jump every time you touched me if it didn't hurt like a bitch."

"Language, Nav… There. I think that's the last of it. Sit still while I go get a needle and some thread."

"Oh God, don't tell me I need stitches!"

"No, no. But your shirt is just ruined! I couldn't let you keep wearing it like this." _Dammit, Rarity_. I sighed in relief as she started walking back into her shop.

She came back quickly and began to work on the shirt. "You need me to clean any of this up?" I asked, flexing my wings a bit.

"No, I can get it all up with magic quickly enough. I wouldn't want your sensitive paws to get cut up."

"Thanks for this, Rarity. I don't know what came over Twilight. She knows I hate getting thrown out windows."

"She's done this to you before?"

"No, but she's smart. She should know that no one likes being thrown out windows."

"Well, Twilight should know a lot of things that she doesn't. That pony is so inexperienced with life…" She let out a little chuckle. "I bet she wouldn't even know what to do if she developed a crush on somepony."

"I don't know if she would be capable of that. The amount of time she spends in study is insane. The only one she could start to crush on is someone that helped her with her studies."

"Like you, perhaps?" she coyly asked.

"I certainly hope not. She scares me sometimes." Actually, she scares me a lot. "That would be a match made in hell."

"If you say so…"

We sat in a bit of silence for a bit before there was a knock at the door. "Want me to get it?" I asked.

"Let a visitor get my door?" she scoffed. "And a bloody one, at that. Stay here, Nav." She stood and walked out, leaving my shirt behind.

I heard the door open and Applejack's country twang of an accent say, "Howdy, Rarity. Is Nav still here?"

"Yes he is. What… what happened to Twilight?"

"A spell gone funny, far as I can tell. I hope it ain't permanent, she's turned into a filly! Don't remember a thing of us, neither."

Rarity was leading AJ into the kitchen. When they got to me, AJ let out a low whistle. "She sure did a number on you! You alright, Nav?"

"Better, now that the glass is gone." I stood to face them. "The spell isn't permanent, or at least Twilight didn't think it was. I told her not to do it, but she doesn't listen to my advice for stuff like that. Is she still afraid of me, or can I go there to get a new shirt and a shower?"

"You need to see a doctor before anything else, Nav," Rarity told me. "The way your back is scratched up, you really shouldn't be walking around!"

"She's right, sugar cube. You need to get that seen to. But I don't think Twilight'll attack you again. You just startled her, is all."

"She is way too powerful. Who's looking after her right now?"

"Spike. She recognizes him, even if she isn't sure why he's so big. Now c'mon, let's get you to the doc."

"Don't you think we should cover up my cuts first? Ponies might freak out if they saw them."

"Well… You're right. Rarity, you have any scrap cloth we could use?"

She looked over to the table at my shirt. "It was a lost cause anyway," she sighed, magicking it over to me. I wrapped it around my upper body. "You go ahead and take him to the doctor. I'll clean up this mess and go check on Twilight."

"See you soon, Rarity!"

"Thanks again, lass." Off we went to the doc. _I'm coming here way too often. I hope this doesn't become a trend._

Thankfully, after the princess confirmed that I was decent, the doctors actually began to let me in without too many problems. Before, they did their best to get me to visit the vet first, even if they did let me in eventually. Unless I came in with Derpy, as I did that one time. Or was dragged in, as happened with Pinkie.

Anyway, Nurse Redheart led the way to a small room. AJ left me to cool my heels there as she headed back to the library. The doctor didn't keep me waiting long, at least. "So what seems to be the problem today, Nav?" He was looking at a clipboard or something.

"I'm going to go with these gaping holes in my back that you can see pretty easily," I commented. I had taken the shirt off when we got here.

He looked up and noticed how fucked up my back was. "Oh. Run through another forest?"

"No, I got thrown out a window. Think you can patch me up?"

"They don't call me Doctor Feelgood for nothing. I'll be back in a minute." He stepped out. Two minutes later he stepped in with a few rolls of gauze and whatnot. "This shouldn't hurt much."

"Can you make it just not hurt at all?"

"Yes, I could. Now sit still." He ran a cleaning pad or something down my back, which stung like fire. "At least all the glass is out." He began to hum something as he started to roll me up in an impersonation of a mummy. It took me a minute to recognize the theme from "Monster Mash." I began to hum it with him. When he finished, he said, "There. Most of those are pretty small and should heal up quickly enough. What I rubbed on them should help. If you have any problems, just come on back."

"You got it, doc. I don't suppose I get a lollipop for being a good patient?"

"No, you don't. Head on out, now, and apologize to whoever threw you out the window."

"I'm hoping it's the other way around, but either way." I left the hospital—fuck yeah, pony socialism!—and started back to the library. I knocked on the door, because I really didn't want filly Twilight to freak out upon seeing me.

Spike answered, looking behind him hesitantly. His eyes lit up when he saw me. "Thank Celestia you're here! I forgot how much of a pain Twilight was as a filly! Come in, man."

"Is she going to freak out again?"

"I… don't think so? I know she threw you through a window, but I think Applejack talked to her."

"God I hope so." I entered, to see Twilight surrounded by books. Literally, I mean: She built a book fort around herself and was reading another one. "She doesn't seem that bad," I commented.

She looked up at my voice and her eyes went wide. I ripped Spike from the ground and held him in front of me before she could do anything to me; he was relatively resistant to magic.

"You put my pet dragon down!" she demanded, pulling herself from her fort.

_Pet dragon?_ "Are you going to attack me again?" I asked, wielding Spike as a shield.

"Me, attack you? You're the monster here!"

"That's a matter of opinion. I was minding my own business when you threw me out the window! That really hurt, you know."

She humphed. "Serves you right for being a monster. Don't you want to eat me?"

"Not particularly, no. I mean, if you want to be eaten, I guess I could give it a try. Do you want me to eat you?"

"Well… no. Does that mean you aren't here to attack me?"

"I wasn't planning on it. Just because I'm different doesn't mean I'm evil."

"Nav, can you put me down?" Spike asked, his arms crossed.

"Can you make sure filly Twilight doesn't go ape shit on me?"

"Look at her, Nav! She looks more curious than anything, now."

I moved Spike out of the direct line of sight between me and Twilight. She did look insanely curious, and was hesitantly moving closer to me. I shrugged and set Spike down.

Twilight let off a massive grin. _God that's adorable_. "You don't seem that bad, mister. What's your name?"

"Navarone. We've met, but it's been a while."

"I sure don't remember you." _Man, she really was terrible at social interaction as a filly_. "Do you know where Cadence or Shining Armor is? Or my parents? Or the princess?"

"I don't know Cadence or Shining Armor. I've never met your parents, either. The princess is probably in Canterlot. We're in a small town near there right now."

She gasped. "I've never been outside of Canterlot before! Oh, are the books here that different?"

I looked around the library and finally settled back on her. "You tell me. You're in the only library in the town, right now. You can read any book you want, here. Just take three down at a time and you're okay."

She reared back and clapped her forelegs together, a happy smile on her face. She landed quickly, the smile dropping a bit. "Hey, why do you get to say what I can and can't read? Are you the librarian?"

"Yes, I am. As long as you don't make too much noise and don't make too much of a mess, you can stay here with your pet for as long as you like. I'll explain the whole thing to your parents when they get here." Spike gave me a look. I winked at him. He just rolled his eyes.

Twilight was busy giving me the happiest look I think I had seen from a pony in a while. She jumped at me and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her instinctively, holding her up. "Thank you mister librarian!" she shouted, hugging me.

"No problem, my dear. Books are there to be read by anypony, after all." I almost said anyone, but caught myself; no need to risk freaking her out anymore by the grammar change. After a short moment I set her down. She immediately ran back to her book fort and started looking over the titles.

"The mare that was here only let me look at foal books. But now that you're here…" Her horn glowed and all the books settled back to their section on a low shelf. She trotted around the library, looking for something. "Mister, where are the spell books?"

_Oh lord_. I led her to where they were. "Take any three, Twilight. Just put them back as you finish. And please don't cast any spell that might hurt you or anypony else."

"Yes sir!" She promptly grabbed three large books and dragged them off the shelf. She trotted over to the center of the library where the most light is and began to read.

"Keep an eye on her, Spike," I told him. He rolled his eyes. I went upstairs to put a shirt on. I grabbed Twilight's pillow and blanket while I was up there and took them downstairs. "Do you want to get more comfortable, Twilight?" I asked, holding up the pillow.

She looked up from her book and smiled upon seeing me with a pillow. "Yeah! Thanks, mister!" She pulled the pillow from my grasp with weak magic and set it under her. I threw the blanket on top of her. I heard her giggle and saw her horn light up from under it, giving her light. _God she's so adorable. What happened between then and now?_

"And you said she was a problem," I said at Spike, smirking a bit.

"Well, she _was_. You should have heard her whining when Applejack said she could only read the foal books." He shook his head. "She sure was a lot easier to put up with back then."

"Dude, she called you a pet."

"Well, I might as well have been one, then. Newborn dragons don't require much care. Feed them once a day and they're set. We can hardly be hurt and we have just enough magic resistance that it takes a trained unicorn to manipulate us, even at that age."

"Lucky you. Human babies are helpless when they're born, and stay that way for a while. There's a good evolutionary reason for it, but I don't care enough to explain."

"Just like I don't care enough to listen. So, are we just going to leave her there?"

"Well, I'm not planning on leaving her. I don't want to risk her getting hurt attempting spells she can't cast just yet."

He snorted. "This is _Twilight _we're talking about. You couldn't stop her if you tried. And I don't really think there's a spell that she can't cast, other than maybe moving the sun or moon."

"She uh… she wouldn't actually try that, would she?" I mean, if Celestia and Luna are faking, Twilight trying to move one of the two might end up with an exploded Twilight.

"No, she respects the princess too much to try it."

"Good. I'd hate to tell the princess her pupil exploded because she was trying a spell that was too hard."

"Nav, unicorns don't _explode _when they try too hard. They just can't cast the spell."

"Well that's boring. So what do you want to do for a few hours until Twilight gets better?"

"Psh. I'm out, dude. See you later." With that, he left.

"I hate baby-sitting," I muttered.

"Then it's a good thing there aren't any babies here!" Pinkie shouted, jumping out of somewhere she shouldn't have been able to be. She still scares the hell out of me when she does that.

"Pinkie, this is a library. No shouting."

"Nav… This place never has any customers. I've seen three ponies check out books in this place, and I come in here to watch you sleep a lot."

"Pinkie, that's really creepy."

"I know! I mean, why do we even have a library if no pony uses it? Doctor Whooves is the only pony I've seen come in here more than once. Now, where's filly Twilight? I bet she's so cute!"

I pointed to the blanket. "She's not going to recognize you, though. It's best to just l—"

Pinkie whipped the blanket off with a massive grin. She promptly went flying out the window that was still broken from me flying out it earlier. Twilight seemed to be having a panic attack.

I got down next to her as Pinkie jumped back inside. "That was so cool! Do it again, do it again!"

That just made Twilight freak out even more. I wrapped her in my arms, "Shh, Twilight. It's okay. That's just Pinkie." Pinkie popped up right next to us, grinning like mad at Twilight.

"What's wrong?" she said in a voice that was way too loud.

Twilight let off an adorable sound and huddled in my arms even more. I wrapped my wings around her to block Pinkie off, then pulled my head up. "Pinkie, Twilight is not good in social situations. You remember how she was when she first got here? She was _worse _as a filly. You're scaring her."

"P-shaw! She just needs a party!"

"No. She doesn't. She needs to be left alone until the spell wears off. Get out, and tell the others not to visit either, unless they promise to leave her alone."

"But—"

"Out, Pinkie."

She gave an overly theatrical sigh that did nothing to move me. She slowly walked to the door and looked back with sad eyes until I was able to glare at her hard enough for her to get the message.

When she finally left, I lifted my wings. "She's gone, Twilight. It's okay now."

She slowly poked her head out of my arms and gave a quick look around. When she was sure that no one was lurking, waiting to try to talk to her, she let me go. I released her and stood back up.

"Wow mister, you sure are tall."

"Not as tall as Celestia, though. Have you met her?"

Twilight nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm her personal student! I'm going to be the best unicorn ever!"

"With as much as you seem to enjoy reading, it certainly seems that you might. If you need anything, just let me know."

Just like that, her entire panic attack was over. She went back to reading, quick as you please. The blanket wasn't completely over her, but she did wrap it around herself.

Pinkie was right, though. The library never did get used by just about anyone. Twilight kept records, and there were around fifty books checked out since I got here. Half were from Cheerilee, the town's teacher. A few were from some stallion named Doctor Whooves that never seemed to visit while I was here or awake. Derpy checked out a lot of really high level science stuff. Anatomy, physics, math, chemistry, all that good stuff—what little of it the ponies had, at least. Rainbow Dash checked out several crappy fiction books—I tried reading through some of the boring shit she checked out and I just gave up. Fluttershy got a few on animal anatomy. A few others came in and got some on gardening. That's it.

Although I will happily admit that everyone that came in looking for something was able to find it very easily.

Since there was never any real work to be done involving the library other than cleaning, I busied myself with catching up on my journals. I was right here when there was a knock at the door.

I opened it to find Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, each wearing a massive smile. "Are you going to bother her?"

"Of course not, Nav!" Rainbow Dash said. "We wouldn't do that."

I swung my head to Fluttershy, who was still wearing a smile. She saw my dead eyes. Her smile slowly disappeared. She gulped and said, "W-w-well, we might say hi."

"You can look at her, but don't stare. Don't talk to her. She'll freak out and I'll have to hold her again until you leave. Do we have an understanding?"

The both nodded. I let them in.

Color me surprised, but they both held to it. They did stare just a little bit, but Twilight was too absorbed by the book to notice. When they got done pretending to look around the library, they came back to me and let out some very quiet 'squees.'

"She's so cute!" Fluttershy whispered, glancing at Twilight occasionally.

"And she panics easily," I said. "Go on now, you two. I got this covered."

They both giggled and left, looking back a few times.

"You have weird friends, mister. I don't think they've ever seen a filly before."

"Yeah, they are weird. Doesn't change that they're my friends." She didn't even look up from her book.

Silence returned, aside from the sound of my quill scratching at the page and Twilight occasionally flipping a page with magic. I finished the journal thing and started working on instructions for all sorts of stuff. Bombs, weapons, generators, alcohol, drugs, anything I thought the ponies might one day need. I was planning on giving them all to Celestia when I couldn't think of anything else to add.

If she was as wise as I thought she was, she would burn them without even looking at them.

Nearly an hour later Twilight finally said something. "I feel… funny."

I looked up. "Good funny or bad funny?"

"I… don't… know?" With each word, her voice changed. She was back to herself on the last one.

"About time," I said. I returned to what I was writing.

"I was a filly!" she exclaimed, looking at herself wildly. "How did the spell hit _me_?"

I looked up. "Fuck if I know. It hit my body, spread out, stopped at my wings, and shot right back at you. Then you freaked out and threw me through a window."

"I remember that, but… how?" _Yeah, don't even apologize for attacking me_.

"Magic, that's how. I don't think a filly version of you could pick me up to throw me like that."

"No! How did the spell do that?"

"It's a simple telekinesis spell. How do you not know how that works?"

"I'M TALKING ABOUT THE YOUNGIFYING SPELL!"

"Sheesh, calm down. Do I need to put you in timeout?"

"Don't make me throw you back out that window!"

"Oh, don't worry. It's already broken." I stopped. She opened her mouth. "Because you threw me out it." She closed her mouth. After a moment she opened it again. "And broke it with my back. You know, glass and blood everywhere."

"Are you done?"

"It hurt pretty badly, too. Ruined a good shirt. Scared the piss out of some of the ponies outside. They thought I finally turned violent."

"Now, can we get back to discussing the spell?" _Fuck you too, Twilight_.

"I don't know what there is to discuss. You cast it. It hit me. It was rejected. It hit you. You turned into the most adorable filly I've ever seen that also happened to have a penchant for throwing innocent humans out windows." And not so innocent ponies.

She blushed a bit at that. "You thought I was adorable?"

"Yeah. Your friends did too."

"I remember them coming by. And I remember… you holding me. Protecting me from the pink demon." _That's fitting, for Pinkie._

"So are you done with spell testing for today?"

She was silent for a moment, just looking at me. "I'm sorry for throwing you out the window, Nav. I know you're not a monster, even if filly-me thought you were."

"I got better. No worries, lass. So. What now?"

She was silent again. She finally said, "I guess we should figure out why the spell didn't work on you. You said it stopped at your wings?"

"Yeah. My guess is that it read all of my capabilities and body parts and it saw that I had something I have now that I didn't have as a kid, and figured that it couldn't make me younger."

"That's what I was thinking. The other possibility is that you didn't exist in a world that had magic as a colt, and thus the spell didn't have any reference frame for what you looked like. Either one seems possible."

"Or it could just be a spell that isn't intended to be used on someone else. Are you sure you read the book correctly?"

"This didn't come from a book. This is one of the innate powers I seem to be getting. I'm almost positive it's supposed to be used on somepony else."

"Try one of the girls. They've all from here. I suggest Pinkie Pie; she'll be the easiest to keep in line as a filly." Pinkie's childhood life was very, very depressing. Apparently she didn't know what a smile was until she got her cutie mark. She would be easy to handle.

"I suppose I owe her an apology anyway. She always likes testing spells like this. I can do both at once!" She looked outside and noticed that it was getting dark. "It'll just have to be tomorrow. And I'm afraid you shouldn't be anywhere near, just in case she reacts like I did."

"Fair enough. I'm sure I can find something else to do."

She looked down at the pile of stuff she had. "I suppose I should pick this mess up." With a sigh, she got to it.

Such is life in Ponyville.


	16. Chapter Fourteen and a half Christmas-y

This takes place between chapters fourteen and fifteen, right before he went to Africa the first time.

The first Christmas I had in Equestria was spent alone. The girls and Spike went to a play or something and Twilight left me behind because she figured it would be a good way to prove to the townsponies that I wouldn't go apeshit and attack them without guidance.

I'm not going to lie, I cried myself to sleep that night. I had been in Equestria for a few months at that time, but it didn't strike me until then how truly alone I was. No family. The only friends I had were around me because they felt guilty or because they were helping Twilight. Ponies don't even celebrate fucking Christmas; they have some bullshit holiday called Hearth's Warming Eve where they celebrate the false start of Equestria. Twilight told me the story and I didn't have the heart to tell her that I found an extremely old history book that completely contradicted what she told me.

The real founding of Equestria had something to do with an insane mage and a near infinite winter. I had no idea what the fuck it was talking about because it went deep into magic theory and some parts of it were indecipherable, but I think that was closer to the truth than Twilight's story.

But this isn't the tale of my first Christmas, or of the founding of Equestria—though don't tell Pinkie that, because she might correct you. No, this is the tale of how I accidentally became Santa on my second Christmas.

It started, as all good stories do, with too much alcohol. "Fuck Christmas," I sighed, laying back on Rainbow Dash. We were drinking on top of a cloud. Was it a good idea? No. Did we care? We were drunk; take a guess.

"What the buck is Christmas?" she asked, about as drunk as I was.

"Human version of Hearth's Warming Eve. It involves just as many lies but more free stuff."

Her ears perked up at that. "Free stuff, eh? What's that about?"

I waved a hand, incidentally brushing several snowflakes away from hitting me. "Long story short, some fat fuck called Santa gives presents to all the good children while all the bad children get coal. He flies around on a carriage pulled by flying reindeer, lands on roofs, goes down the chimney, and drops presents off. Of course, it's just a—"

"That sounds super-duper fun!" Pinkie shouted at us, her head pushing up from the cloud we were lying on.

We both looked at her in horror. We were at least fifty yards in the air. "Where the hay did you come from?" Dash asked.

"I'm in my flying machine!" Pinkie answered.

Her flying machine has a rotor on it. Dash and I had time to share a look of pure terror before our cloud was destroyed, sending us falling to the ground. She caught herself much faster than I did, and I almost hit the fucking ground before my inebriated mind could turn my wings on to catch myself. Rainbow and Pinkie followed me to the ground.

"Let's do it, Nav!" Pinkie shouted, jumping out of her machine and giving herself a mane cut since the rotors were still spinning.

"Do what?" I asked, trying not to puke my guts out from falling so far while drunk.

"Christmas! Just think of all the smiles we'd spread!"

I looked over at Dash. "Do I need to explain to _you _why my answer is no?"

She smirked. "Come on, Nav! As mopey as you've been, doesn't this sound fun to you?"

"Now that you mention it… No. It doesn't. We don't have a sleigh, we don't have reindeer, we don't have a fat fucker, we don't have presents, and we don't have a jolly red suit with a furry red cap."

"But we can GET all of those!" Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in joy. "Hearth's Warming Eve isn't for another few days. That's plenty of time!"

I crossed my arms. "We don't have a way to get down chimneys. We don't have a list of who's been naughty or nice. Hell, I don't even have a list of all the kids in Ponyville. And discounting all of what we don't have, Santa isn't real anyway. It's just a story. What _really _happens is—"

"What _are _you three talking about?" Rarity asked, walking over to our little group. "It certainly sounds interesting."

Pinkie stopped jumping in my face and started jumping in Rarity's face instead. "Nav's gonna become huge and fat and jolly and red and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while on a magical sleigh pulled by reindeer!"

"Pinkie dear, do you remember the conversation we had about having too much sugar?"

Pinkie scoffed, waving a hoof. "I've only had _seven _cupcakes today, Rarity." _How do you not have fucking diabetes? _"Nav was just telling us all about it!"

"No, I was telling you how all of what I told you was a story made up by parents. There is not a fat fucker that rides a sleigh and gives presents to people. That would involve magic, and since there is no magic in my world that means it's impossible."

"What's this about presents?" Twilight asked, walking up.

I crossed my arms and shouted, "Fluttershy, Applejack, you can come out now!"

A few seconds later we saw the two of them trotting up. "What're you shouting about, Nav?" Applejack asked. "I was just on my way to the market, going to pass this way."

Fluttershy quietly said, "And I'm coming _from _the market, passing this way." She had a few bulging bags.

"Yeah. Right. Anyway, as I was saying—"

"What were you saying?" Applejack asked.

I glared at her. "If you'll let me talk—"

Pinkie took a deep breath and I just face-palmed as she burst out, "Nav's gonna become fat and jolly and red and old and give presents to all the little colts and fillies while jumping down into chimneys from a flying sleigh pulled by reindeer."

Fluttershy and Applejack looked at each other and shrugged. AJ said, "Makes sense. You need any help? I think I got an old sleigh or something like it at the barn."

"No!" I quickly said. "I'm not doing what Pinkie just said."

"And I can make you a nice suit," Rarity said, tapping her chin with a hoof and looking me up and down. "A fat suit might be a little much, though."

"I CAN GET PRESENTS!" Pinkie shouted, eager to contribute somehow.

Dash grabbed Fluttershy and pulled her over with an arm around her shoulder. "Fluttershy and I can fly you!"

I crossed my arms yet again. "I still can't fit down chimneys. Nor do I have the address of all the fillies and colts in Ponyville."

Twilight spoke up. "I can teleport you, Nav. As long as we only stick to Ponyville, it shouldn't be that hard. And for a chance to study more human culture… It's worth it."

I gently massaged my temples, my alcohol addled mind not taking this well. "Okay, let me put it _this _way: I'm not doing it."

I was immediately confronted with Pinkie's very, very sad face. "But Nav, think of all the little fillies and colts without Christmas presents!"

"Pinkie, I'm obviously too think to drunk. That's how I got into this position, after all. Again, if you'll let me explain—"

"Come on, Nav!" Dash said, standing on her hind legs and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. She waved her other hoof wide in front of us. "Just think about the stories they'll tell about me flying Santa's sleigh!"

I looked over at her. "Really?" I sighed. "_That's_ your attempt to get me to go with this?"

"Hey, Fluttershy'll be there too!" she shouted, letting me go and falling back to all fours.

"Yes, and I'm sure she isn't interested at all," I said, looking at her.

She, however, had a different story. "It sounds really kind, Nav. Giving presents to everypony, I mean. I think it would be good for you."

I gave her my most disappointed look. She answered with a sheepish smile, somehow making a little squee sound.

"So it's settled," Twilight said, taking charge. "Nav will act as Santa come Hearth's Warming Eve. Pinkie, you get together a list of all the colts and fillies and foals and find their addresses if possible. Applejack, you paint your sleigh in Hearth's Warming colors. Fluttershy and Rainbow, you go with Applejack and get some practice flying in sync with a sleigh. Rarity, you make a red suit for Nav. I'll check with Princess Celestia to get permission in case anypony calls the guards on Nav."

There was a chorus of affirmations as the group quickly disappeared, leaving me alone next to a flying machine, wondering what the fuck just happened.

I had a bad feeling, either way.

A few days later I was sitting in the back of a sleigh at Applejack's barn, wondering why I had to open my big fucking mouth. Since Pinkie spent hours staring at me and begging me for more stories, Rainbow Dash had a shiny red nose and both Dash and Fluttershy had fake antlers. My suit was very close to the typical Santa suit. It was just missing about two hundred or so pounds of fat inside of it. Twilight was wearing a frankly adorable little green elf suit that fit her long ears very wonderfully. Pinkie was loading a large bag full of presents onto the sleigh. I told her how to wrap them.

"So why am I doing this again?" I wearily asked.

Twilight giggled and answered, "Because you're too easy to push around."

_Fuck me._ "Are you all ready?" I asked, eyeing the reigns.

Rainbow Dash had been stretching, giving me rather unwanted views of her lady parts. When I asked that she stood at some form of attention. "Yep! Just give the word, Nav."

Fluttershy had been more subdued and careful with her stretches. "Whenever you're ready," she whispered.

"We're all good in the back!" Pinkie yelled, jumping around making absolutely sure everything was good.

"I'm ready," Twilight said with a nod.

I shrugged. "Then let's do this. Normally Santa does this long chant to get us going, but since we only have two ponies, let's do this."

"Ah ah ah!" Twilight said before I could flick the reigns. "This is a human cultural event, Navarone. We have to do it by the book." Everyone turned and looked at her, giving her a 'what the fuck' look.

I looked back to Dash. "Go."

She bent down to take off, but Rarity screamed, "WAIIIIT!" Everybody froze as she trotted over to me and narrowed her eyes at a part of my costume. She reached a hoof out and pulled a string off me. "Loose string," she said with a smile, backing away. "You can continue."

I looked back to Dash to tell her to go, but Twilight kicked my shin. "Do the chant, Nav!" she whined.

"Well shoot," Applejack said, stepping forward. "You got me interested now. Might as well go through with it."

I sighed, my wings sagging. "A prelude, first: These are the names of the reindeer Santa uses. Here's the chant: Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" Fluttershy and Dash were looking at me strangely. "That means go," I sighed.

Dash grinned and started running forward, dragging Fluttershy along for a second before she picked up the running spirit. After a few meters, they started flapping their wings, slowly pulling us into the air.

As Twilight told me before, we wouldn't be able to actually land on the rooftops because none of them were big enough runways to fly off. So the two would fly over houses and circle around them while Twilight teleported me inside. I'd drop the gift off as quickly and quietly as possible and hope to high heaven no one was awake in the room I teleported to.

Our first stop was Sweetie Belle, who was staying with Rarity. Since we knew she was asleep—or, according to Rarity, "If she isn't asleep I'll make sure she never stays up past eight again!"—we didn't think she would be any problem.

She wasn't. We dropped off her new microphone very easily. Scootaloo was also not a problem, and received her new scooter wheels with a smile on her sleepy face.

Diamond Tiara got coal. But since Pinkie didn't want a frown on anypony's face, she also got a hoof-made tiara from Rarity. Silver Spoon also got coal, but she also get a set of silver spoons from… somewhere.

Featherweight got some new lenses for his camera. Pipsqueak got a Luna doll. Pound and Pumpkin got some assorted baby toys. I have no idea what Snails got, but it was book shaped—it was news to me if that retard knew how to read. Snips got a hair grooming kit. I want to say Twist got a way to cure her terrible lisp, but instead she got a fuckton of candy. Spike got a massive gem.

When I was teleported into Derpy's house to drop Dinky's gift off, I heard a very feminine scream. I swung around, my hands raised as I backed away. Derpy immediately calmed down when she saw me. "Oh hi Nav! Want some cookies and milk?"

"What the fu—Sure." She gave me a plate with some cookies on it.

"I don't know why, but I just had the urge to bake cookies tonight. I was about to set them out on the table for Dinky in the morning, but then you showed up!"

"Huh. And the milk?" She had a glass of that out as well.

She shrugged. "I was going to leave that out too."

"And it wouldn't go bad?" She gave me her signature derp look of 'I don't even know what's going on right now.' I shrugged and said, "Thanks for the cookies, Derpy. Here, give this to Dinky tomorrow."

"Okay Nav!" I teleported away as I set the gift on the table.

I passed Twilight a cookie as we flew off to our next mark. "What's with the cookie?" she asked as she nibbled.

"Derpy," was my only answer. A light of recognition went off in her eyes and she didn't ask anything else.

And so the night went. Derpy was the only one that was awake when I teleported in. I think there were upwards of thirty or forty kids that we delivered things to before we made our final stop off at Applejack's farm. I was teleported into Apple Bloom's room and dropped off her new tiny toolset.

The deal was that they would land while I went out the window or front door, so that's what I did. I quietly creaked the window open and jumped out, standing on the roof while I closed her window quietly. Then I flew over to where they were waiting on me.

Rainbow Dash was already uncoupled from the sleigh and was helping Fluttershy get out of her harness. Twilight was checking and rechecking her list of presents and ponies. Applejack was checking over the sleigh and making sure it was alright. Rarity was fussing over Twilight's outfit. Pinkie was jumping around asking the three of them how it went.

Fluttershy managed to get unstuck the moment I landed, falling ass first into a snowdrift. Dash and I hauled her out.

"Sleigh's alright," AJ said, walking to the main group.

"And everypony's accounted for," Twilight added, stepping down from the sleigh.

"And your outfits are RUINED!" Rarity whined, being her typical overdramatic self.

"Are all the little fillies and colts going to smile tomorrow?" Pinkie shouted, jumping up and down in my face.

I shrugged. "Fuck if I know. They better, after I got drafted into this shit. Now, I'm going to bed."

"Not just yet you're not," Twilight told me, grinning. "There's one more present left."

I crossed my arms. "This is very, _very _cliché," I broke in. "The next words out of your mouth are going to be, 'We all know how much you really didn't want to do this, so we got together and decided you should be rewarded!' And then you're going to give me something and I'm going to smile and say thank you and you're going to spout out some Aesop and get Spike to send a letter when he wakes up."

They all shared looks before Twilight said, flabbergasted, "How did you _do _that?"

"My grandmother liked Hallmark movies. What did you get me?"

Pinkie produced a small box out of nowhere and passed it to me. I tore the paper off—because that's how you're fucking _supposed _to open a present, grandmothers everywhere. When I opened the box up, I found a very fancy picture frame that had a group picture of me, the girls, and Spike.

I couldn't help a smile, even though I knew it was extremely cheesy. "Since you ruined my line," Twilight said, "let me remind you that you _are _included and that you are one of our friends. You may not be on Earth among others like you, but that doesn't mean you have to be alone, Nav. You have friends that like you and ponies that you can make smile."

I nodded, my smile growing. "I guess so, Twilight."

I was going to continue, but Pinkie jumped in. "GROUP HUG ON NAV!" I was quickly surrounded by warm and fluffy ponies wrapping their forelegs around me and each other.

_So what if I don't have family? Maybe I can make do with what I_ do _have._


	17. Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Fifteen—No good deed goes unpunished

A few weeks later, to show that even in winter I can't get a break, a letter from Princess Celestia arrived. It wasn't a particularly nice letter, either: It detailed her knowledge about what happened at the naga camp, though not her sources for such knowledge.

It was a summons to Canterlot. There wasn't a fan in my world large enough to contain the shit I thought was about to hit.

The letter detailed that it would be in my best interest to accompany the guard that was coming the next day to pick me up, and that not doing so would be a rather large mistake. I was very tempted to cheese it, but if she knew what happened with the naga camp, what else did she know?

So I made my excuses the following day and went with the bloody guard she sent for me. I could have done a lot, but I figured there were several good excuses I could use to get out of any punishment. I'm somewhat decent at getting out of things, when I really need to be.

I did make a decided point not to bring any manner of weapons with me, though; that could only hurt my defense. I also brought the journal entries relevant to the issues, as the only hard evidence I had with me. Yes, they painted my guilt, but I wasn't planning on using them unless the situation was dire.

When we got to the palace, I was escorted under heavy guard to the same fucking sitting room I ended up at every time I went to this palace. I was seriously starting to hate that fucking sitting room, and I think Celestia was doing it on purpose. I mean, this palace was pretty bloody big; surely there were more rooms in it.

I was looking out the window, contemplating escape, when Celestia came in. "Navarone, why do you think I summoned you here?" she asked in a neutral voice.

Without turning, I said, "I can think of a few reasons. You want all of them, or just the ones that you'd like?"

"By all means, tell me your thoughts."

"There is almost certainly going to be a trial of sorts. What happens there, though, is what I'm debating on. One is that you are pissed for what I did, and will seek to condemn me for it. Probably a harsh sentence; I would ask for death if that is the case, unless exile is on the floor."

"The other reasons?"

I turned. "You want something. You stand to gain from this. From the slaughter of the naga you learned my potential uses. I could be pressed into service as an agent of the state, dealing with… 'unpleasant' problems. Or the trial could be a sham, something you were forced into doing by your spymaster who reported it in the first place; you couldn't possibly condone something like that in your territory, but at the same time you don't want to condemn me for doing what was probably right, so you'll hold a trial and call me innocent. Or the trial is an example to Luna, to show her the unrepentant murderer I truly am. Depending on her reactions to the trial, my fate might differ; I could end up free, exiled, dead, imprisoned, or pressed into service."

"Anything else?"

"You just wanted to see me again, and didn't have a good reason to summon me to the palace."

"If I ever wanted to see you, I wouldn't need a good reason to summon you. Wanting to see you would be reason enough."

I just shrugged and waited. She continued, "All of those are decent reasons, though I doubt I'd have to press you too hard to get you to do a few favors for me. I don't have to deal with legal issues when it comes to having somepony arrested; I could just tell the guards to take you away."

"You could, but you wouldn't."

"If there was a big enough threat to Equestria I could and would."

"Which means that either you don't consider me a threat or that this is a false trial. And one probably means the other."

"You think too much."

"No, but when I do think I plot. If you gave me a few days I could come up with a foolproof plan to take you down unseen, have Luna installed as the only princess, and control her through her love for me. I'm just not ambitious enough to want to do that, nor would I be an overly good leader."

"Killing me would have more consequences than you could possibly imagine. This world runs because I live; Luna could not take on all that responsibility or power herself, even with you controlling her."

"Yeah, and that's the other reason I don't do it; I have no idea what you know, or what fail safes you have in place."

"Is there any reason I shouldn't have you thrown in a dungeon for what you did to the naga? Or your threat to me?"

I gave her the journal entries. "Read through those, if you want. If you don't want to do that, I'll try to explain. Or I could do both."

She spent some time reading through the journal. "Your mind is twisted, Navarone," was the first thing she said, and then spent some time thinking. "I did not know all of this, about the naga. I will have to send a representative to talk with them."

"I would really rather you didn't. A lot of my backup plans involve them."

"That is something else we need to discuss. There is a lot I think I need to talk about, concerning this." _Here we go_… "First, don't think you can ever disappear to a place I can't find you. When you teleport somepony once, you can teleport them from anywhere. It just takes more energy the farther away they are. At the peak of day I have enough energy to bring you here from anywhere on the planet, even if I wouldn't be able to move well for the next week. And with Luna helping me, I could probably rip you from anywhere. Including back on your Earth, if you somehow got back there." _Oh, shit. _"Second, you need to stop letting ponies break laws concerning you. Kidnapping is illegal, and is now yet another crime against you I'll have to pretend didn't happen. Third, what kind of creepy questions did those naga ask you, and how were you able to answer them?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I do. Answer me."

I started telling a lie, but then her horn started glowing. "By the way, after reading that journal entry, I cast a lie-detecting spell. Don't plan on lying to me in any more of our conversations." _Son of a bitch._

"How does that spell work?"

"Magic."

"How does it detect a lie? Does it read some physical or emotional response from me?"

"Magic. Answer my question."

"No." It took a lot more courage than I would have liked to say that.

"After all this, you still don't trust me?"

"Some crimes can't be ignored."

"Which is why they must be reported. Who did it? Did Luna somehow sneak out?"

"It was not Luna. That is all I will say on that. And don't think you can check my journals, either; I didn't even write it down."

"You are going to be wonderful to have on my staff in a few years, you know that?"

"If I'm still alive." _Or sane._

"Oh, no, you're not allowed to die. If I thought you would accept it, I would keep you here in Canterlot as a pony until Luna was freed."

"Speaking of which, you are still doing your best to get her to not love me, right? Have you managed to find any suitable male ponies for her to love instead?"

"The goal isn't to replace her love, it's to stop her from loving. Down that way lies nothing but pain, for those such as her and I." Her eyes were downcast for a moment, before she looked up again. "But yes, I am at least trying to get her to forget you. It… isn't working."

"At least next year I won't be at the Gala."

"I don't know… you were the star attraction at the last one, and definitely provided plenty of entertainment for me."

"All of Twilight's friends will be attending next year, I believe, to see if Z will make a reappearance. Which he won't," I said to her thoughtful expression. "Now, how are we going to deal with the naga problem?"

"To be quite honest, the plan was a mix of two of those you said: To get Luna to see you as a murderer, and to force you into a task for repentance. But after reading your journal and your reasoning, I am forced to admit that a trial would be stupid. Which reminds me, what is," she bent to look over the journal again,"…Kristallnacht?"

I grimaced. "It was a night of extreme intolerance displayed by one ethnic group against another back on my world. Several people called Jews were assaulted or killed, arrested, and had their homes and businesses destroyed. In this respect, it would be where one group planned to systematically and quietly kill everyone in the other group in the night."

"And you honestly think that is what would have happened?"

"Given what I know of the naga people, I think it probably would have."

"Good enough for me. And I know I can't call you unrepentant, because you were definitely vocal in here about how bad you felt by doing it. Didn't stop you, of course… I think you mentioned something before, about Nuremberg Laws, which covered this?"

"If someone orders you to break the law and you do it, you can't hide behind the excuse 'I was only following orders.' We can do this farce of a trial if you want, but you will gain no support by anyone in the court from it, especially if you declare me guilty but fail to lock me up. And declaring me innocent would be tantamount to saying genocide is okay as long as it's against your enemies; I killed noncombatants. Accidentally, but that doesn't mean anything."

"You aren't making me feel any better about not giving you a trial."

"You already told me my sentence: A task. But you have not yet said what this task will be."

"Remember: You don't have an option here. It is this or prison, basically." _This is sounding better and better_. "There has been a… problem, I suppose is the best word, across the ocean. It is not something I can ignore. But it also is not safe over there, even for me, not where this happened. I will be leading a contingent of guards across the ocean to attempt to restore order. But none of them have any combat experience. You are to accompany me and Twilight as our bodyguard. She already knows, of course, but none of her friends do yet. We will be gone for at least a year, probably."

"What happened? Was there a rebellion?"

"No, nothing as bad as that. A few incursions from other races, but nothing too bad, until now. The real problem is the drought. Food is hard to grow there, and we can only ship so much from here to there. Twilight and I are going to use our magic to help make rain, since so many ponies are starving. It is not a new problem, but one that was exacerbated by increasing incursions from hostile creatures. That's why we're bringing guards. Before, we could at least distribute the food we sent over evenly. Now, though, our relief shipments are being disrupted. Your job is simple: Protect us. The soldiers will take care of everything else."

"Why can't the guards guard you?"

"Because you are available and some guards have to stay here. I don't have many of them, so I have to use them carefully. You are also probably more effective as a fighter than many of them, anyway." She apparently didn't realize my fighting skills were basically shooting and running away.

I contemplated running again, but I wouldn't get too far before I was either dragged back or teleported back. Besides, if she was telling the truth about what would happen if she died, it would be a good idea to protect her. _Dammit_. "When do we leave?"

Pretty damn soon, as it turned out. I was carried back to Ponyville and given two days to prepare.

Now, this may be a personal bias from back home, but when I found out that our destination was the Middle East, I freaked a bit. I grabbed every crossbow bolt I could find, the tools to make more, and every other weapon I had. I went down to the nearest pig farm and got some pig bones to wear as charms—I know that's stereotyping and probably wasn't even relevant, but I wasn't taking any chances. I also got some more alcohol to replace that I lost or drank.

I knew there wouldn't be much room for me on whatever ship we took, so I did make sure to travel relatively light, even if we would be gone for a year. I grabbed some spare clothes, enough material to keep me writing for a while, something I could hopefully use as a honing stone for my knife, the fire strikers, that brown cloak that seems to follow me everywhere, rubber bands for my hair, and my weighted gloves. I felt ready to kick all kinds of ass.

Of course, it wasn't as simple as just packing up and leaving. No, when you have friends leaving is never so easy. Spike was going with us as Twilight's assistant, so saying goodbye to him wasn't an issue. Rarity was no trouble to me, since we never got along that well anyway. We pretended for Twilight's sake, and there was no animosity there, but we were just too different to get along easily. Applejack wasn't that hard, as she was usually at the farm and I didn't know her as well as the others. The still incident drove a bit of a rift between us as well, even though it wasn't my fault. Rainbow Dash was surprisingly hard. After she confessed about the rodeo thing, we grew pretty tight, and me getting wings brought that bond even closer. She was probably the pony that was most similar to me, as well; we both were more fond of actions than words. It got us into plenty of trouble, as well.

Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were outright troublesome to say goodbye to. The three of us grew into great friends during the dance lessons, and our experiences with the naga brought us even closer. The honing rock was actually one of Pinkie Pie's mementos from her early days at the farm, given to me as a parting gift, even though I was planning to come back. Fluttershy was probably the saddest to see me go, for some reason. For the one that was most afraid of me when I got here, she sure changed her mind about me for some reason. Opposites attract, I suppose, though we weren't as opposite as she thought. At heart I was a coward; I just knew how to hide it better.

But goodbyes aside, leaving wasn't that difficult; Ponyville was a nice little town if you were normal, but just a place to live if you weren't. Everyone was friendly but cold to me, even after a year. I understood, of course; somehow a rumor spread that I was responsible for the explosion and fire at Applejack's place, even though I was miles away at the time. Aside from a few friends and the naga, there was nothing for me in Equestria.

We traveled by train to where our fleet was docked, in a place that I shit you not was called Manehattan. I drew several glances my way; it is not every day you see a cloaked, hooded figure wielding an uncertain-looking chunk of wood walking on two legs and with a purpose behind the eternal princess of the realm, followed by a decent-sized contingent of guards. Most of the stares were reserved for Celestia, of course, and many watched the guards, but I saw more than a few on me.

I smiled when I saw our ships. They were an odd contrast to the tall buildings around me: They were all old wooden ships, large and unwieldy, with massive furled sales atop tall wooden masts. Netting dotted the rigging of the ships, though I don't know how a pony would go about climbing it; hooves can only do so much.

In case you couldn't tell the truth from the lies in these journals, I absolutely love the ocean and sailing. Now, I hate the beach, but I love the ocean. Odd how that works, but whatever.

"So, which of these boats is ours?" I asked Twilight, who was walking beside me and Spike.

"The big one," she answered, nodding to what was in fact the largest one there. _Why am I not surprised?_

"If I'm supposed to be protecting you, I want it known that any enemy will be suspecting the biggest boat and the smallest boat to be containing the princess."

"No one will be attacking us," she assured me. "You're just there in case we need any leg work done, or we need your hands."

I looked at Celestia's back. I didn't buy Twilight's explanation, though I wouldn't doubt that I would be doing my share of grunt work. I was here for a reason, something Celestia knew I could do that ponies probably couldn't.

When we got to the cabin I was sharing with Spike, I dropped my heavy pack, muttering obscenities about the heaviness of it; I didn't pack much, but in my experience, every suitcase you bring from home seems heavier than the ones you bring back.

"Really, Nav, I don't know why you bother wearing so many clothes. No pony would know the difference," Spike said.

"They wouldn't, but I would," I assured him. "Besides, you have scales and don't have to worry about sun burns or extreme cold. If this Middle East is anything like the one where I came from, there will be a lot of sun and a lot of heat, and sunburns will be commonplace until I build up a nice tan or I start wearing clothing over everything."

"Psh. Why are you the most dangerous species ever, again?"

"Vehemence mixed with intelligence. Or perhaps that's backwards. Either way, every single human is at least a little bit insane, and can completely turn off empathy if they need to. For most people that is an automatic thing, but some people can turn it off whenever and some people never have it on at all." He just shook his head.

I didn't bother unpacking, but rather went to see Celestia's commencement speech to the people of Manehattan and the guards that didn't have duties. It was the usual crap about helping those less fortunate than ourselves, a mission of peace, restoring order, yada yada. I suppose it was a nice speech, but I'm too jaded by human politicians to believe half of what is said to a crowd.

Her crowd seemed to have no such compunctions. There was plenty of cheering and clopping of hooves to go around after it. I just shook my head from the perch I had found on a nearby building, and then jumped off, spread my wings, and coasted back to the ship. We left a few hours after that, when the last relief supplies were loaded.

I feel like any good story needs someone who was seasick on the long voyage and someone that made disparaging but kind hearted remarks to that bitter sick person, but that wasn't really the case here. Spike started getting sick, but Twilight healed him before I could make any jokes. Besides, this isn't a story and you shouldn't be reading it anyway… you dick.

Twilight spent her time studying the sea as well she could from the ship. There were a few species she could see, and she made what notes she could, but there wasn't all that much else for her to do. I suppose she studied some magic with Celestia, for I often saw them together near the back of the main ship. I also often saw her with the captain of the guard that was with us, and I figured they knew each other from back when Twilight used to live in Canterlot.

Most of my time was spent on the smallest ship of the fleet, just feeling the sea mist and wind in my face as we sped to our destination bourn on winds both natural and magic-made. It was a glorious feeling, to get back to the ocean. It was something that I could honestly relate to from my old life, and if I closed my eyes and just felt the wind, mist, and shifting of the deck beneath my feet I could pretend I was still home, on my way to a dive spot, with family and friends just a few meters behind me.

I carried Spike with me one day on that trip, when he asked what I did all day. He wasn't impressed that I was just standing there with a stupid smile on my face, and he didn't wait too long before leaving me to talk to the ponies around the ship until I took him back. Aside from that one day, I don't know what else he did; I rarely saw him scuttling about on the main ship.

On the third day, once land was nothing but a memory, all the sailor ponies started a song. It was a typical sailor song, something about searching foreign ports for exotic women and being at home only on the sea, and if there had been any mention of alcohol or treasure I could have closed my eyes and pretended I was listening to a pirate song from back home. Thankfully, this one seemed relegated to the sailors and some of the guards; I wasn't tempted at all to join in on it.

What time of mine wasn't spent on the smaller ship was spent locked in a planning cabin with Celestia, Twilight, and a captain of the guard, some dude named Shining Armor.

The first words out of his mouth upon seeing me in the meetings were "What is he doing here?" He had a typical jock voice that made me want to punch him, but I withheld my hands; he would probably beat me bloody even without his magic.

I shrugged and turned to go, but Celestia called me back. "In terms of politics, Navarone is about as dangerous as I am. In terms of combat and war, he knows more than you do. He has several thousand years of history of warfare to pull his knowledge from, and knows all manner of tactics. In terms of a personal bodycount, he has more kills than any pony I know of that's alive today." Not all of that was true, but I wasn't about to dispute her.

Shining Armor understandably resented her rebuking of him, even though it wasn't so much against him as it was about me. I tried to make it a bit better: "Don't think I'm here to replace you, Captain. Your men wouldn't follow me and I have no ambitions anyway. I don't know the disposition of your troops, anything about the politics in the area, the enemy we face, or the people we're going to help. I'll answer questions if I think I can help and point out flaws I see in plans."

Twilight smiled. "Don't worry about it, brother." _Oh, that explains a bit._ I mean, I had just been living with Twilight for nearly a year now. Even if she didn't tell me she had family, I'm sure she told her family about me at least sometimes. I could understand why a brother might not like the guy his sister has been living with for a while.

Anyway, he looked a little less displeased after hearing that, and the true planning began. The enemy we were facing were apparently cat people that were getting pushed out of Egypt for some reason and into the Middle East. Twilight's suggestion was a fact-finding mission to Egypt to figure out what was going on and to see if we could stop it. But that would involve sending an uncertain number of ponies into an uncertain situation against an uncertain enemy. We didn't know if ponies would be automatically killed by whoever saw them or what, so we tabled that.

Shining Armor's suggestion was launching assaults against the cat people and pushing them back to the Suez Canal, where we would draw a demarcation line and try to settle with the leaders of the cat people for a demilitarized zone. That was impossible for several reasons. The simplest was that we simply didn't have enough troops. That area is small on a map but massive in life, with plenty of caves and mountains to hide in and around. Fighting might be necessary, but you couldn't possibly hope to fight an up front and personal war in terrain like that. We would be relegated to wandering the land and trying to get lucky by finding an enemy camp, or waiting for a strike and retaliating with extreme prejudice.

I suggested diplomacy. There were problems with that, of course: We didn't know much about the cat people. We didn't know what kind of leaders they had, what their grievances were, if we'd offend them, or if we would make ourselves look weak if we offered to talk. I mean, it might be possible to coexist with them, but we simply didn't know.

In the end, we decided a mix, of sorts. Because we didn't know how anything in Egypt would react to a pony, we decided to send me and Spike in on a fact finding mission of sorts. The reasoning for Spike was that of all the sapient species anyone in the cabin knew about, they almost all respected or feared dragons. With him, I could actively send messages back to Celestia, and receive new instructions if needed. The reasoning for me was that I could easily pretend to be a mercenary again, as they hear all manner of news. Since no one knew what I was, I probably wouldn't be killed on sight. _Probably_. I was not overly pleased to hear that I would be risking my life on something like that, but whatever. Such is life in Ponyland, at least for me.

Depending on the information we brought back, we would either try to strike a deal with the cat people or be forced to fight them. A small ship would be anchored offshore, while Spike and I flew in. The rest of the fleet would continue on to the Middle East in an effort to spread hope and food as they could.

Twilight was not eager to send Spike into the unknown like that, and tried to get him to tell Celestia he was afraid, but he just saw it as a big adventure. Even after making it absolutely clear that I was in charge and that this was a pretty serious matter, he still seemed pretty down with it.

After several weeks of traveling, with a brief stop in Spain for a rare meeting between the princess and some of her regents in the area, we arrived off the coast of Egypt. My ship dropped anchor, allowing the rest to continue on. I mentally reviewed my list of instructions:

'Pretending to be a mercenary, infiltrate their society. Learn what's causing the hostile migration of the cat people. Learn about the cat people culture. Learn if they can be reasoned with. If at all possible, stop the migration(fat chance). Learn what trade goods or bribes could be used on them. If necessary, return to the ship off coast for extraction. It will wait there for one(1) month. If there is no news from you in that time, it will move on to the Middle East, and you will be forced to rendezvous with the rest on your own.'

If, of course, we were still alive.

I left a letter with Twilight, to be opened and read if I never came back. Not if she didn't hear word from me, but if Celestia confirmed by magical means that I was dead. I won't detail in here what was in it, but it basically asked her to find some way to send my journals home. It also gave my real name and the address to write on the cover of the journals, in case she couldn't send them directly home.

We were given plenty of bits to bribe information out of whomever we needed and sent on our way. I carried my weapons, some alcohol, my cloak, the firestarters, and Spike. Everything else was left behind; much of it could be replaced in Egypt, I was hoping. Surely a bipedal, intelligent cat race would wear some kind of clothing I could use. I rode the ocean winds in as far as I could, but I had to give a finishing spurt of manpower; the ship was anchored a ways offshore.

No matter what species is dominant in a given area, if they're intelligent, they will be attracted to the ocean. It can be used for trade, food, travel, and exploration. With that in mind, we set off to look for a port city. I had the cloak on over my wings, and I was already despising the climate. After just a few minutes in the sun, I had to take the bloody thing off; I didn't care if the people here saw my damn wings, I just couldn't take the heat. Not like they knew what humans were anyway.

We had been traveling for a few hours by the time we saw glints of light in the distance. Now, I had long had a feeling that we were being watched, but every time I looked either into the desert or into the water I couldn't see anything or anyone. No one approached us as we made our way to the city, so I was assuming we would be admitted into the city if nothing else.

We were. And in that, we got our first glimpse at the dominant people here: Cats. To be quite honest, we were all thinking that the cats were being pushed out by a force that was attacking them, but this proved otherwise. And then I saw what I presumed was the reason so many were moving: Gibbets were erected on the wall, and on them were hung prisoners, each with the crime of 'treason' marked above them.

Upon asking a guard, he snarled, "Escaped slaves."

I nodded to myself and helped a visibly sickened and frightened Spike along. We both got a lot of looks from the people here, but none of them said anything. There were plenty of other foreigners in the city, due to its port status: dog people, a small group of naga, a massive elephant, zebras, and even a few ponies were some of what we saw just in our first jaunt into the city.

"Nav…" Spike suddenly croaked, "there were _bodies _out there!" Referring to the walls, no doubt.

"Yeah. We all told you this wasn't an adventure. Welcome to a brand new culture." He sobered quite a bit after that, and didn't talk again for a while. I'm inured to all manner of grisly sights, due to my unnatural amount of time spent on the internet. The smells got to me a bit, but I come from a family that hunts. That means cleaning dead animals. You get used to the smell.

Meanwhile, I was trying to find any manner of tavern or bar or someplace I could find some manner of work or news. That this was a slave culture wasn't entirely surprising, but I needed to know more before I sent a preliminary report.

We passed a bar that seemed to cater exclusively to equine guests, and Spike tried to get me to go there, but I pulled him away. "People will see where we go and who we mix with. We need news from these people, and possibly a job or two to build trust. Ponies won't help us with that." That was the reason I gave him, at least. The real reason, though, was that I actually saw those ponies when we passed them. He saw ponies and was rejoicing, but I looked into their eyes and at some of their 'cutie' marks.

These were not the ponies we were used to. I joked a few months ago about getting a tramp stamp cutie mark, thinking it was impossible. It wasn't.

When we found a tavern that catered to travelers of all types, I coaxed Spike inside. I took one look at the inside of the place and realized that I had made a pretty serious mistake: This place was seedy as fuck. Leaving would have been a bigger mistake, though; I could see a few dog people gripping knives and looking at me, wondering if I would make an easy mark. I said a silent prayer and pulled Spike to an empty table.

We weren't alone for long. A female slave cat walked up to take any order we had. I pulled out a bit and said, "Clean water for us both. Food, if you have anything we can eat."

She looked dubiously at the gold. "Be careful about flashing that around too much, traveler. Too much pony money means you're a pony lover, and that isn't always a good thing to be, here." With that bit of advice, she grabbed the bit and walked away. Soon after she left, one of the two dog people from before sidled up to our table.

"My friend and I," he said, "would like to know what you are. He thinks you're a bastard shaved cat and pegasus pony mix. I think you're an ugly mutant."

"You're closer to the mark," I said, "I'm newly arrived in town and looking for work." I was tempted to be insulted at his remark, but I honestly didn't feel like risking my luck against someone that probably got in fights for a living.

"A mercenary, huh? Is there a lot of work for you over in Equestria?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Oh? Your little friend there looks like someone who might," he said, eying Spike, who perked up at the mention of Equestria.

"The boy is young. He is always looking for more stories of fabled lands." _Stories he probably won't be able to find if he gets us killed._ Spike at least had the brains to look abashed at my rebuke.

"Keep his curiosity on a leash. It does not do well to speak of such things here."

"Thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind." _So much for dragons being respected. _The dog fellow gave us one more appraising look, and then walked back to his friend.

When the waitress brought us food, I took a guess at something. _They wouldn't kill us. Dragons might not be respected, but killing one would get the guard all over them in a second._ I immediately swapped our glasses of water. Of the two of us I was obviously the warrior, and anyone that wanted to get at us would knock me out instead of him. And on the off chance I woke up, they'd want him awake to be used as a hostage. I was tempted to swap the food, but that would be more noticeable.

And when I took bite of the peppered… meat… in front of me, I found the reason they'd put something in the water: That shit was spicy as hell.

Spike looked at his plate dubiously. "Navarone, I don't eat meat."

"Yes you do. You've just never had it before. Trust me."

I could tell he still didn't want to try it, but after further guidance he slowly took a bite. The fire that lit in his eyes was all I needed to know that he really never did have meat. _What the hell kind of dragon doesn't eat meat?_ _Those ponies are cruel._

In the middle of our odd meal, the barkeep came by our table. He was a mongrel cat called Amir. "I heard you say you were a mercenary. What kind of jobs you looking for?"

"Anything that pays well. News will also be welcome. I didn't know there was a slave revolt here recently." I pushed my uneaten food to Spike, who finished it off with relish. I don't do spicy, not when I have a choice.

"Yes, the crazy fools thought they could try overthrowing the system here. They tried to get as many foreigners on their side as possible. A few ponies threw in their lot with them, but none of the rest bothered. Slave revolts never go anywhere, and why would they? Most are content with their lot. They're fed, clothed, and quartered. All they have to do is work."

"It is not for me to question how another people are governed. I'm just here for the work, or news if there is none to be had."

"You're in luck, stranger. A caravan is heading south for Catro in three days. They're looking for more guards; with some slaves still fighting, there are plenty of bandits loose in the area."

"What's the pay? And what kind of supplies will we need to bring?"

"The pay is good salt, depending on how the trip goes. Standard guard fare if you encounter no trouble. Bonuses for defending well in attacks. Food and weapon repairs will be provided, if needed."

"Where can I find the merchant for this job?"

"A representative of his will be in the bazaar tomorrow, calling for warriors. The representative is a pony named Anton, with a mark of hooves on his side." _Cutie mark of hooves? Bloody brawler._

"I will look into it. How much for a room for the night?"

"Your gold covers it. Despite being pony printed, it is still good here, and it goes farther than most other currencies."

"I don't suppose it would also cover a nice, long cord? Forgive me for being paranoid, but I don't trust the look of some of your other… patrons." With a glance to the two dogs. I looked back to the cat. "Until my business here is done, I'm afraid we cannot run." I snapped my fingers somewhat sadly.

"They're all bark and no bite. Just don't leave the inn until tomorrow, and you should be f—" Before he could finish, Spike collapsed, dead asleep. "Oh."

"Tell your waitress not to turn her back on drinks before she delivers them."

"I will beat that lesson into her! You will be compensated for what almost happened, mercenary."

"No, friend. It is the result of being a stranger in a strange land. I have suffered worse since I began my work." When I looked at where the dog people were, I saw they had left rather quickly. "You might do well to hire a bouncer, though."

"Hmph. Most of those are just as big of brutes and as dishonest as those two that just left. I will hold off the beating since you asked, stranger, but I will not let you go unpaid. I will send the slave that let this happen to your room tonight, and let you do what you would with her."

My wings twitched that that. It was an interesting prospect, but not one I was planning on accepting. As far as I was concerned, any sex with a slave was tantamount to rape. "No, I'm afraid my mercenary code would not let me accept that. I do not ever accept sex as a payment. It is unprofessional and dangerous. If you really feel the need to repay me, get me that cord I mentioned, and tell me where I can find some good desert clothes before I leave. Preferably something I could use to hide my wings but could remove easily."

"Why would you want to hide such beautiful instruments?"

"I've run into people that would refuse to hire me because I was a flier, but had no compunctions when meeting me without knowing I had wings. And it pays to not let your enemies—or friends, sometimes—know what your abilities are."

"You have been at this business for some time, I would say."

"Something like that." More like reading an assload of books. He clapped his hands, and said something in a very clipped voice that I could barely understand to the slave woman that appeared. She bustled off.

"You will have your cord before you retire for the night. Do you have any preference of rooms?"

"Something on the top floor, with either a window or roof access. A good lock will be a bonus."

He had a slave show me to the room I would be using. I was carrying Spike; he really wasn't that heavy. The room had a single bed, something I was expecting, and a ladder leading to a trapdoor on the roof. I was pleased with that. Thieves, I could deal with; I was leaving nothing in this room but clothes and Spike, and thieves typically don't murder. The lock on the door was enough to last until I could make a trap.

When the slave came back, she had a cord and some desert style clothes for me. I set aside the cord and tried to figure out how to put the damn clothes on. The slave girl smiled in mirth at my confusion before chipping in. A few of her touches lingered on uncomfortable places, and I could sense there was more to her mirth than she let on. I didn't press the issue, and she didn't say anything about it.

With her help, though, the clothes went on much easier. I was at a loss with how to cover my wings, though; the rags I was covered with didn't do much for that. Then she gave me a light-weight cape.

When we were finished, she gave me a letter. "This is from the master, to be given to the pony Anton. It will get you your job," she announced, and then left. I smiled and sighed, then went about writing my report to Celestia. Basically, it announced my speculations that the hostile migrants were escaping slaves. I wasn't certain yet, but I told her that I suspected offers of political asylum would do well; they were fleeing slaves, running into an uncertain future with uncertain people. A modern day Jewish exodus. I then detailed my plans to take the merchant job and head south to the capital, in my world called Cairo and here called Catro.

Since Spike was currently passed out on the bed, I set the letter aside and went about writing two notices, one for the inner door and one for the outer door. One said 'Do not disturb—Trust me.' The other said, 'Spike, don't open this door. Trust me.' I'll let you decide which I put where.

With that done, I set about working on the trap. It was a pretty simple thing, really: If someone pulled the door they'd get shot with a bolt. I tested it once and with a loud thunk a bolt was protruding from the door. Anyone trying to open it quickly would get a bolt right in the face. I wrenched the bolt from the door, reloaded the crossbow, dropped the cape and went to the roof.

I glided to a roof away from mine, and then looked for an easy access down. Part of the clothing I was wearing was a full head covering, leaving only my eyes looking out. With that over my head and the cape over my wings, I could be any cat or dog person—I'm taller and bulkier than most cats and shorter and smaller than most dogs. My plan was to head to the pony bar we passed on the way in and ask for any manner of news. Yes, they weren't the ponies I was used to, but they were probably still more willing to talk to strangers than anyone else in this bloody city.

I had a hard time finding the place again; this city was really maze-like. When I finally did, I almost wasn't allowed in. At the door I was posed a riddle: "There are two sisters: One gives birth to the other and she, in turn, gives birth to the first."

I thought for a time, and then it clicked. "Celestia and Luna." The door was opened and I was the first non-pony to be admitted into the bar. More from disinterest rather than because the riddle was difficult, I guessed.

As I entered, I took a second to look at the name of the tavern: The Salted Mare. Comforting.

I definitely drew a lot of stares. One angry pony, hopped up on salt and heavily dehydrated, came at me, asking unkindly, "Where are you from, cat-man?"

"West." That didn't satisfy him. "Far, far west." Now that perked up a lot of ears.

"Oh, are you then? What news from the _far far west_ do you bring? Anything new from our _beloved _eternal bitch queen?"

"The sun sets in the east this night. It has reversed course in order to respond to a crisis. I'm just here for news."

That started several murmuring conversations, and two more strangers came up, one drawing the drugged pony away. The other stallion asked, "What proof do you have that Celestia is here, stranger?"

With my gloved hand, I pulled out a bit and rolled it over my fingers.

"Bits are not so uncommon here, stranger. What more proof do you have?"

"What is it to you, pony? I know Luna is free, I know Celestia and her student Twilight are to the east, and the sun throne in Equestria lies empty for the first time in living memory, and probably will for over a year. I care not what you do with that information. But I'm here for any news I can bring back. There are people pushing into the east, cat people. They bring with them violence and turmoil. Are they escaped slaves, and would they settle for asylum? Or do they want more?"

"They are slaves. Or rather, they were. How do you know what you know?"

I let the cape slide from my back, and they all gasped at my enlarged pegasus wings.

"It has been so long…" the pony next to me whispered. "But I'm confused. You aren't a pony. How did you come by these wings?"

"A magical mistake. A fluke. They function, but they are not mine, not really. I need more information before I head further inland."

"You can't just leave! So long with no word from home, and now a non-pony pony agent comes in and just as suddenly leaves? What game are you playing?"

"I'm just a pawn, an agent. I don't make plans, I just follow orders. My orders are to gather information. There is more information in the south than there is in this bloody city."

"Why would she send a… whatever you are… instead of a pony?"

"Because we didn't know the reception ponies would get here. Most of her ponies are… naïve to the world anyway. I am a bit more seasoned." Some of them snorted at that.

"I left Equestria because of that same reason. I regret it every day… please, can any of us go with you?"

"What's stopping you from going east yourself?" I answered. "There are pony-held lands over there."

"We can't leave. We can enter this land, but no pony is allowed to leave the borders of this country without a royal order. If you aren't careful with who you show those wings to, you might find yourself included in that. The reason there are no pegasi or unicorns here is because they left as soon as the edict came out; some of the pegasi were brought down with arrows, but the unicorns all managed to teleport out." _I'll have to add that to my report._ At least that tells me that Celestia knew more about this land than she let on.

"Celestia will learn of this. If you have any letters, give them to me, addressed, and I will get them to her. What she does with them will be up to her, but I imagine they'll get sent to family," I announced to the bar. A very hushed silence came over everyone. Suddenly, there was a mass exodus to the door to go buy paper and pen.

I grabbed the hoof of my new friend before he could leave. "No cat can know I'm here. I must travel incognito if I am to complete my mission."

"I will see to it. You are a hero, whoever you are. If what you say is true." I snorted at that—I was just doing what anyone would, and Spike was going to be the one sending these letters, not I. I settled back to enjoy my free water while I waited for the patrons to return with letters.

There were certainly a lot more letters than I was expecting. Everyone gave me at least one. The fellow that was hopped up on salt when I came in was now fully hydrated and able to give me twelve, with a heartfelt apology to me included.

As I left, I reminded them, "Remember, I don't exist." They all cheered and waved me out. Poor bastards had been away from home too long, doing whatever they could to survive. The few here that had cutie marks were nasty things, while most didn't have any at all—they could never find anything they _liked _doing. Most of those that frequented the streets were those that belonged in this city.

I made my way to a roof and flew back to my building. Thankfully, Spike was still asleep and in bed, and the trap was undisturbed. It was getting to be night by then, so I added some more to my report about the ponies here, then went to bed, leaving the trap on the door.

Thank God I did, too. I woke up the next morning to a shriek from the door. Apparently during the night, one of the dog people somehow got my door opened and caught a bolt in the throat. It died without a sound. The shriek was from a slave woman passing by.

It woke up Spike, who groggily sat up, asking "Where am I?" before seeing the body on the floor and turning greenish.

I looked at him and said, "We're not in Equestria anymore. Get used to it."

I checked the body for anything useful before the guards took it away: In this city, if you scored a kill you got first dibs on the body, legal kill or not. I grabbed a letter, some native coins, and his dagger and let them take the rest away. The letter was in a language I couldn't read, so I put it away and concentrated on getting all my gear set up.

The slave was still in hysterics, and I explained to her that I didn't even kill him, the trap did. She didn't seem to want to hear that, either way, and left, wailing. Bloody women, man.

Oh, and during the night, I realized why vegetarians are so hesitant to eat meat after so long: My stomach felt like it was on fire the entire night. I don't think Spike was affected, since he can eat fucking gems and not have a problem. Just throwing that little info out there, in case any of the ponies reading this—after I die, of course—want to try eating meat.

I broke down the trap, reloaded the crossbow, and left it where I could easily reach it. I then gave the report to Spike, followed in a few minutes by the letters. We went down to the common room for a complimentary breakfast, thanks to the body at our door. Poor Amir was so embarrassed: "This has never happened before! A guest drugged, then almost attacked!" He promised to hire some manner of guard.

While we were eating, a response from Celestia came. That drew a lot of glares from other patrons and a small alarm from Amir, thinking we had been poisoned again. I waved him away and pocketed the letter for later.

When we got back to the room, I checked it. "Go south, but be careful. We will offer asylum to any bands of escaped slaves we run into. Try to contact a group of fleeing slaves, if you can do so safely and without blowing your cover. See if you can get them to escort you and as many ponies as you can find that want to escape east. I will initiate talks with the government of this Egypt you are in to see if I can get my ponies freed, after you get back. And while I thank you for the information, don't do that with any group of ponies again until or unless you are fleeing east with slaves; it is too risky."

I nodded to myself. "What are we going to do, Nav?" Spike asked.

"We're going south with a caravan. We'll see what happens from there."

I draped the cape over my back again and we went off to try to find this Anton fellow. The bazaar was a large place, as it happened, and finding him wasn't as simple as asking for someone hiring warriors. I got several job offers, and a few people offering to work under me—or more likely, under Spike; a lot of dragons have huge hoards of wealth. I was afraid to ask specifically for a pony offering jobs, because not many here were friendly toward the idea of ponies with enough money to hire fighters. Spike kept muttering unpleasantries about the people in the city and their hatred toward ponies.

We finally got lucky and spotted a reddish roan pony haggling with a zebra over the price of a water jug. His cutie mark was of hooves. I waited for him to finish his business, and then approached. Before I could say a word, "A warrior, are you? I have a spot for one more. You or your friend will have to stay, as I can't bring both."

"I have a letter that might change your mind," I said, giving him the letter the slave woman gave me. I was hoping it would; I couldn't leave Spike behind and I _had _to get south.

He somehow opened it with his hooves, and read it to himself. He smiled, and whispered 'about time.' He then looked up and said, "Fine, but you'll take a pay cut for the extra load," with a nod to Spike.

"I'm okay with that."

"Good. If you have everything you need, come with me." We followed. He led us to a large pavilion outside of town, and into a smaller, personal tent.

"I don't talk business with somepony when I can't see their face. Take that head cover off."

I sighed and began to unwind my head wrap. The pony looked at my unkempt, long brown hair, unshaved and windblown face red from the sun, and probably thought he had made a big mistake. He held his peace, however, and said, "That's better. Now, the standard fare for a caravan guard is six kilograms of salt. With your friend coming along, I'll have to cut your pay to five. If you want to pull some extra work, I can raise it back up to six, or higher if you are more useful. What manner of skills do you bring, aside from fighting?" said with an eye to my sword belt.

"I can scout and kill from afar. I can probably hunt, if that's a necessity. And I might be able to find extra oases, if we need them."

"We have scouts. What makes you think you're better than they?"

I smiled and dropped my cape. He leaned back. "If those work, you're hired."

"Follow me." We went outside the tent, and I demonstrated. I got a lot of stares from the ground crews, people readying tents and supplies to be packed in a hurry but looking for any reasonable chance for a break. I didn't do much, just went up and down a few times, but it was enough for Anton.

"You're hired. As a scout. Their pay is the same, more for finding oases and warning us of probable attacks. Since you can fight you will be paid extra, and you'll get the full price of both warrior and scout if you end up doing both. But your orders will come directly from me."

"Understood."

"And what am I going to be doing?" Spike asked.

"As far as I'm concerned," Anton said, "you are dead weight. If you prove yourself useful you will compensated, but don't expect to be asked to do much. You are small, yet." Spike rolled his eyes at that, but it was true.

The rest of that day and the next were spent waiting for the bloody caravan to leave. I stayed away from the city as much as I could, knowing the friend of the dog I killed was still in there, and I didn't want a knife in the back.

A day after I got to the camp, Anton called me to his tent. "I just got word that you were involved in a murder in the city. Would you care to explain?"

"A dog tried to slip me a sleeping concoction to knock me out. When that failed, he broke into my room in the night. But I was expecting him, so I set up a trap to kill anyone that walked in the door. He did, and the trap worked."

"Did he have anything on him?"

"A few coins, a dagger, and a note."

"Do you have the note?" I handed it to him. I saw his eyes scan the page, and he handed it back to me, saying, "It's gibberish to me."

One of the few times I had heard a pony lie. I saw his eyes moving, he knew what he was reading. And he was slightly worried. But I didn't call him on it. "Are you reconsidering me?" I asked instead.

"No. That just proves your cleverness. You're still hired. Now leave me." I did.

After that it was pretty smooth sailing. We broke camp the next day and started off. From what I finally determined was Alexandria in my world to Cairo was about a hundred and thirty miles. That would take us at best eleven days, at worst twenty. We would definitely miss the boat if Celestia couldn't get word to it, but it seemed our priority had changed by then anyway: Go south for information, then east if possible to hook up with any roaming slave groups.

Most of the other caravan guards were rough looking types. Dogs or cats, with a single naga looking rather out of place. They were armed with a variety of weapons, mostly close ranged. We were definitely not in Equestria anymore: This was a small army, well equipped and trained by hard lives. Most didn't have much in the way of armor; metal would be too hot and heavy in the sun, and leather was highly frowned upon everywhere in a world where most everything is sapient. Eating a thinking animal is one thing, but wearing them is another thing entirely. Besides, most of these fighters were skilled desert rats, fast and loose on their feet.

I'll skip most of the trip, as it was pretty much just walking and walking and walking, then flying and then walking and walking and walking some more.

I will say this, though: The desert nights of Egypt are absolutely amazing. Nothing on the cavern of the naga, mind, but still beautiful.

But holy fuck was there sand _everywhere_! God it was annoying.

And then on day seven the whole trip went to hell.

We were making good time, and were over halfway to Cairo. I was on a scouting trip to the west, directed by Anton. Spike was walking beside Anton when I left, talking of some matter or another. I think Spike reminded Anton of someone he had lost in the past, but I never asked him.

But there I was, flying around and looking for anything new in the desert, when I saw smoke rising to the east, in the caravan. I couldn't tell what was going on, but I knew the place wasn't supposed to be on fire. I turned back and made a beeline for the caravan.

When I got nearby, I could see Anton standing alone a ways from the caravan, signaling me to come down to him. I loaded my crossbow in the air and warily landed near him.

"What happened?" I asked, aiming my crossbow around me. "And where's Spike?"

Instead of answering, he asked, "Do you remember that note you gave me when we first met? The one from the innkeeper, I mean."

"…Yes."

"Amir is not exactly what he appeared to be. He is an ally of the slaves, basically; he supplies them when he can, with food, water… fighters."

I aimed my crossbow dead on Anton. "Where's Spike?"

"He will not be harmed, if you cooperate."_ I knew this was too good to be true_.

"What do you want?"

"Drop your weapons, first."

I did as he asked. I slipped the weapon belt from my waist and laid it on the ground, then slowly lowered the crossbow on top of it.

"Now step away from them."

I did, never letting my eyes leave his face. I saw a cat in my peripheral vision sneak up and grab my supplies. I still had the gloves that no one knew about, if I absolutely had no choice but to fight.

"And now?" I asked.

"Now, you sleep." Something clubbed me in the back of the skull and I lost myself.

A note from your friendly neighborhood Discord

Never trust dogs to get a job done. Those dogs were told to deliver a message to the human. Not to drug him, not to break into his room, and not to underestimate him. That fellow deserved his fate.

As to what the message contained? Writing in an ancient language that only Anton and I understand, and the only reason Anton understands it is because I gave him the knowledge. Basically, it marked the bearer as an asset to the slaves. Anton wasn't supposed to order Navarone knocked out. Unfortunately, he was still too useful to punish.


	18. Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Sixteen—The march to freedom!

Now, I know a lot of movies and crap have the heroes get clubbed in the skull and from there they can wake up in a few hours feeling fine.

That shit ain't true. I was out for over a day with a concussion, nodding into and out of consciousness. When I finally woke up, I had the worst headache I had ever had. I leaned out of my bed and vomited what little I had in my stomach up, and then gagged until there was no bile left in my system at all. I still felt like shit, and I passed out again shortly afterwards.

I woke up again to a cat woman trying to feed me broth. I took what I could, though my head still felt like a horse had kicked it. Which, as I found out later, wasn't that far from the truth: It was a zebra that knocked me out.

When I finally woke up for good, I found I was in a small camp on the western bank of the Nile. It was definitely a war camp; I could hear some sounds of smithing being done in one area, and I heard troops calling cadences in another area. My leg was chained to the floor, with the weight buried under hard-packed sand.

Of my weapons or Spike there was no sign, though it did appear that someone was sharing the yurt with me: there was another rumpled cot in there.

Seeing nothing I could do, I settled back to wait. My body was cramped from the long time spent in bed, so I did my best to shake it loose. There was only so much I could do with my wings, but I did what I could.

I had my back to the tent door, wings completely outstretched, when someone pushed the tent flap in and gasped. I don't think I've ever mentioned it, because it's never crossed my mind or seemed important, but my wing span is… well, large. I'm around five feet tall, myself. My wingspan is probably eight feet, stretched completely out. Pegasi have more magic in them than I do, meaning their wings are a hell of a lot smaller despite them weighing more than I do. It means I'm good at gliding but mediocre at actual flying. I can imagine someone that has never seen anything with wings would be surprised to see them stretch so far.

Anyway, when I heard the gasp behind me, I retracted my wings and quickly turned, surprised at being caught off guard. I can't imagine how I looked; I had been away from a mirror since I left Ponyville, and I hadn't bothered shaving since then either. The rubber band was out of my hair, meaning it was thrown about wildly when I turned. My face was filthy from sand and dust and grime. I probably looked like an angel after a serious yearlong bender.

"Uh, hi," I said, not sure what to do. The person that disturbed me was a female cat. A very buxom female cat, of the like that I wouldn't have been too surprised to have seen working with some of the ponies back in Alexandria. She had a bucket of water in one hand and a bowl of broth in the other. I couldn't tell if she was going to call the guards or come the rest of the way in, so I didn't make any sudden movements. I just very slowly sat back down on my bed.

"We… we are surprised to see you awake so soon," she said weakly.

"Yeah, that happens with me." Humor sometimes works, but with no context this one fell flat. "I don't suppose that food is for me?"

"…Yes. It is. And the water. For drinking or for washing. We are near the river, it is easy to find." She was nervous. Was I really that ugly?

"If you're afraid of me, lass, just leave it right there and I'll wait until you're gone to get it."

That seemed to prompt her into moving, and she brought me the bowl and left the bucket by the bed, then sat on the other bed in the room. I murmured thanks and began eating what I could. I still felt like shit, but I put down as much of it as I could bear; I was weak, after my day or two in bed.

When I set the bowl aside, she started talking. "Our leader wants to speak to you. We thought you were a simple mercenary, a sword for hire, but when we started searching your belongings we found some… interesting letters." _Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit._

Instead of showing any distress, though, I forced myself to calmly say, "Then you know who—and what—I am. I trust I am not a prisoner?" with a pointed look at my chain.

"That is there merely so you will not try to flee or fight before we have a chance to talk with you. We read your journal entries."_ This just got a lot more interesting. _Thankfully, I left most of them back in Equestria. All I had here were the things I had written in the time since we left. Nothing that painted me as too much of a coward, so I could easily fake being an absolute badass agent of the crown. I mean, Celestia ruled more than half of the world. Why would she send a coward and a weak fighter into a place like this?

"Where is Spike?"

"Your dragon friend? He is being safeguarded."

"Let me see him."

"Not until you talk with our leader."

"How can I trust you that he's still alive?"

"You will just have to take my word." _Dammit_. These cat people were starting to piss me off. "He told us some interesting things about you, too. He seems a lot more talkative than you do."

"That's probably because he didn't get knocked out and wake up chained to the ground."

"That wasn't my decision."

"Your people didn't even ask if I would come quietly. I was unarmed!"

"Now that isn't entirely true. We found some odd gloves on you that one of our people said looked like fighting gloves. And we still didn't know if we could trust you; now, you don't know where we are."

"Your recruiting policy is shit. Tell that to whoever is in charge of it. And tell Anton that he can suck a dick, if you ever see him again. Last time I take a job from a fucking pony with a violent fucking cutie mark."

She smiled at that, and was about to respond, when the tent flap was wrenched open and a large, hulking cat walked in. Now, I have been in the presence of some violent people. The naga, for example, were violent. Their's was an honorable sort of violence, though; unless you really pissed them off they would fight fair. I've been among gang bangers back home. They were violent, but if you were their friend you were their friend for life, and they would always back you up.

This cat, though… this fucker looked like he was just looking for any excuse to fly off the handle toward anyone. His hands were large enough to grab my head in one and my feet in the other and just pull. And he looked strong enough to actually rip me in half, too. His face was a mass of scars, and his back was just as bad. He was missing one finger on his right hand, and half of his right ear looked chewed off.

I didn't want to do anything to piss this guy off. I was afraid to even look at him. But I knew my stance here depended heavily upon what little authority I had from Celestia, and how I acted. So I met his gaze evenly, even though my feet felt like they should be quaking.

When he saw that, he openly sneered, twisting the scars on his face into obscene shapes. "Come on, you winged freak. We're going for a walk." With that, he bent down and ripped the chain out of the sand, pulling up a rock the size of Spike with it. I stood up, but before I could move the cat lady pushed me back down.

"That's no way to treat our guests, Rock."

"Until it speaks to the boss, it isn't a guest. It's a prisoner."

"_He _is a guest in _my _tent. And you will treat my guests with honor."

I honestly thought he was about to punch her in the face and drag me off, but astoundingly he bowed his head to her. "As you want, Kat." Then, to me, "Come along, _guest_. You have a meeting with the boss."

I stood again and waved my arm forward. "Lead the way."

It was a rather disorderly camp. Little cubs ran about our feet, gazing in wonder at the 'Sphinx,' they called me. That did not bode well, in my mind at least.

I was itching for my desert clothes, to hide my humanness to these people. And to hide my wings, of course. All I had on right now was a pair of pants that they probably found in my belongings.

The leader's tent was in the center of the bunch, and we were on one of the edges. It didn't take us five minutes to make it there, but the half of the camp we passed through was abuzz with gossip as soon as they laid eyes on me. I didn't know how far the news that I was from Equestria had traveled, but these people definitely knew something was up. I kept my head held high, at least pretending to have a bit of dignity. I might be walking to the executioner's block, but at least I could give them a show.

When I got to the leader's tent, I was made to sit down and wait. He was writing some manner of note or plan or something. As soon as I sat down, I realized exactly what was happening. I knew I could outwait any cat any day, and set about proving it.

While I was waiting, I took some time to study the cat in front of me. He was small, not overly old, but I could definitely feel some intelligence there. As I studied more of his body, I started to realize that this wasn't exactly as much of a 'he' as I originally thought. She shifted once, and I could tell that I was correct in my new assessment: This dude was a chick. Her whiskers were long, her eyes were dark green, and she was a deep coal black color. She wasn't scarred like her hulking fighter behind me, nor as buxom and noticeable as the Kat next to Rock.

No, their leader was someone you could lose in a crowd and never find again, or someone you could meet and know all your life but never able to describe well. Very nondescript, you know? It's hard to describe.

After half an hour of waiting, she gave up on that method and looked up. "So, Navarone, we meet at least."

"You know my name, but I don't have the honor of yours."

"Oh, you're going to be a fun one, aren't you? I'll have you know, we know quite a lot about you, Navarone. Working for the horse queen of the ponies, set to flee east with as many of her ponies as you can bring with you, and with as many of my people to use as cannon fodder as possible. Tell me, did you really think we would be so foolish as to take that offer?"

"I can understand why you might think it unwise to trade one type of slavery for what you might see as another."

"Tell me, why should we flee east and beg for asylum from an eternal princess? Why should we not instead fight for our freedom here in our own land?"

"You might know I'm not from this world; I don't remember how much is in that journal you read. But either way, I'm not. I'm from a world where war is common and rebellions are everyday things. Do you know what happens in my world to civilians with weapons that try to go up against standing governments with large armies?" Before she could answer, I said, "They die. They die fast and they die hard. Even if they get outside support from powerful nations, they still tend to have an attrition rate that is simply unacceptable to any good commander. If you want to fight your government, you will lose, unless you can turn almost the entire population against them."

"And what makes you think we can't?"

"Because many of your people have already fled east. They wouldn't be running if they were winning, or had a good chance to."

She stood up, and started pacing behind her desk. "Some fools don't see the big picture. They think that by running their problems are solved. What of their families and their clan that are left behind? What of their people that are left to suffer? Why should we few who escape be the lucky ones who can leave our hard lives behind? Why can't we all break out? Or better yet, change the system?"

"Because that isn't how life works. You can't butt heads with the hardest skull in the area if you are the weakest. You can try to fight if you want, but it won't do you any good. Better to grab as many people as you can and flee to the nearest safe area as quietly as possible. Nowhere in this country is safe for you, not for long anyway. This is a nomadic style camp, I could tell when I walked through it. You can't fight a government with these numbers. But if you flee east, you could build a safe haven there for any escaped slave that can make it to you, and build a network to funnel slaves through." I could see Kat preening behind me, and Rock wilting a bit. I could tell I just suggested what Kat wanted and what Rock feared.

The leader looked to Kat, "Did you feed him this idea before he came here?"

"He woke up and not five minutes later Rock came in and grabbed him. I barely had a chance to feed him."

The leader looked back to me. "And would your queen be willing to help us in this?"

"I don't know. I can't answer for her."

"Then what good are you to us?"

"Give me some paper, a pen, and let me meet with Spike alone for half an hour."

"How can I trust that you won't magic yourself away?"

"What does it matter to you if we do? You'd be in the same boat you were before we met."

I could see the debate on her face. Finally, she assented. She turned to Kat. "Go get the dragon."

The leader gave me paper and a pen. "When the dragon gets here you have fifteen minutes." I started writing.

When Spike arrived, he whooped. "Navarone, thank Celestia you're alive!"

"Yeah, they aren't kind with their recruiting options."

The leader chick ahemmed and said, "Fifteen minutes." They all filed out of the tent.

I wrote 'respond asap' on the letter, then handed it to Spike. "Send this to Celestia." He did. "We're in a mess here, mate. These people don't trust us or Celestia, and they're divided on what they even want to do. Some want to stay and fight, some want to flee and build a refugee network as they go."

"Why can't they all just go north and let Celestia pick them up in boats?"

"That would be tantamount to war. It's one thing to offer asylum, it's another thing to steal people from their own country. Remember, there are ponies here that can't leave; if Celestia starts helping slaves escape like that, the government here will have a reason to start oppressing ponies even more."

"That's cruel!" Immediately after saying that, he belched out a response.

"That's politics," I said as I grabbed the note.

It read, "Could I, through you, teleport the leader to me to talk?"

I wrote, "Negative. Locals too paranoid. Negative on you coming, either. Can't risk a pony life here due to a misunderstanding. Give me one answer or another. Sorry."

I gave that to Spike.

The response said, "If their refugee network will include allowing ponies to escape east, they can all come if they want. Help them however they need it."

"Thank God," I said, letting out a breath. I stuck my head out of the tent, and told them we were done and had a response. It was a subdued group that came in.

When they were all settled, I told them the news: "If your escaped slave network includes ponies, you can stage all you want in her territory." Kat, at least, was pleased at that. Rock and the leader were less so, but only Rock expressed actual disappointment.

"So, now that we're done with that business, how about letting us get out of your hair?" I asked. Spike nodded happily.

The leader frowned. "Not quite that simple. You know our plans. We can't just let you roam the desert freely."

"I don't plan to roam the desert. I plan to head directly east and get the hell out of this fucking place."

"We still can't let you do that. I'm afraid you're coming with us, even if we have to chain you and make Rock drag you."

"Will you at least let me have my bloody weapons back?"

"You can have that hunk of wood and one of your knives. The rest are needed."

"And my bolts? My gloves? My journals? Pretty much everything else I had?

"Everything we didn't keep we left with Spike. Speaking of which, you two can see each other once a day, but otherwise you are to be kept apart. As long as you behave well, Navarone, you can continue to stay with Kat. Just obey her orders. Otherwise… Well, I've heard cages do interesting things to winged creatures."

"If you cage me you will die." It was not a threat, not a warning, just a direct statement of fact, and it was said as such.

She nodded, as though that was what she was expecting. "Then don't make it necessary."

An odd thought occurred to me. "Tell me, why do the cubs outside call me Sphinx?"

"There is a massive statue the slaves were forced to build down outside of Catro. It has your type of body, your type of wings, but the face of a cat. The slaves and the common people who built it thought the naga that commissioned it were mad. But then you show up. What would you think, Navarone?"

"As long as no one asks me for a riddle, I'm okay with it."

"That reminds me. The question you asked me at the start of this discourse, my name. I am called Jocasta." _Son. Of. A. Bitch._

No one reading these entries will probably understand that, so let me explain: One of the legends of the Sphinx was that Oedipus answered her riddles and the Sphinx fell in love with him because of it. But Oedipus loved a woman named Jocasta, which was his mother—it's an odd story. Anyway, the Sphinx ended up killing herself to try to get Oedipus to love her or something like that. I don't know much, but that sounded right. Either way, it was a terrifying coincidence that I would run into a group of people that call me Sphinx led by a woman named Jocasta.

With that bombshell, she had my chain removed and sent us back to our tents. I asked Kat about letting me fly, but she said no. "You would be the only flier in the air, and they are not a common site. We are not too far from Catro, and you might bring retribution upon us."

My crossbow and naga knife were returned to me in Kat's tent. With them came everything else I had on me: Letters, journals, about half of my bolts, the alcohol, my gloves, and one of the fire starters. I didn't even bother asking what they did with the rest.

With the bucket of water that was still untouched next to my bed, I started cleaning my face and shaving with the finely honed edge of the well-made naga knife. Kat looked up when I was about halfway done and said, "If you do that the kids might stop calling you Sphinx."

I looked at her and said, "Good," and then continued.

I nicked myself a few times, since I wasn't used to doing this without any manner of mirror, but it was nothing too bad. Kat mentioned it, though, "Doesn't that hurt?"

I shrugged. "Nothing major." I think she smiled at that for some reason, but I wasn't really paying attention to her.

When I finished, I went to put on my desert clothes. She watched for a while, but stopped me as I was throwing on the cape.

"You are to leave your wings uncovered, unless told otherwise." I sighed. "Why are you so ashamed of them anyway?"

"Because nowhere I go do I fit in at all. Among the ponies I am an outsider. Among the naga I was welcome after I proved my prowess in battle, but they hated my wings as soon as they saw them. In that bloody port city, I was almost drugged and then who knows what just for being different. It was only when I was able to cover myself completely, hiding the wings and my skin, that I was able to stroll the streets relatively unmolested."

"How are you able to live among the ponies, knowing they did that to you?"

"It was an accident. And it was only the fault of one. They are a truly peaceful people at heart, and no one sane craves war; I'd love to live in peace, even if the fire in my blood would desire action of some sort. I might live alone among them, but at least I would live in peace."

"It sounds like a nice dream."

"Until recently it was a reality, at least for a while. My services were requested by one of my friends there, to help deal with a problem, and I almost killed a pony. After that I was requisitioned by another pony to deal with what we thought was a hostage crisis. It turned out to be a siege of one group of naga against another, with the 'hostages' being kept for their own protection. I ended up sneaking into the enemy camp and killing most of the naga there, with either my knife or with fire. There was a single survivor. My soul had seen some of the atrocities of war firsthand, then, and my hands had held the knife that sniffed out several lives, not with a shout but with a whimper in the darkness. I murdered fifteen in cold blood, and then set fire to their tents to distract them while I fled. I didn't realize their women and children were in the tents…"

"You have done horrible things. But as you yourself said, accidents are forgivable."

"I wish I could live that…"

"Then allow our people to be your redemption, if that is the way you feel. Your experiences with the naga led you here, and here you have the ability to save thousands, to redeem yourself from your hundred killed."

"But at what cost? What level of blood will my hands be drenched in by the time we reach the border? Especially if your people do as I fear and lollygag about in fleeing!"

"And why would we do that?"

"You need to build connections and steal more slaves as we run. That can't be done quickly, unless you want to just go in and kill anything that moves in larger slave camps."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"It would be suicide. This group of people is, what, fifty strong? Give or take a dozen. You could smuggle that number out with no problem, even if you did have to split up. Keeping that number of people fed and with water isn't impossible, either, though it might be hard; you'd have to raid a caravan or two on the way, unless you have stockpiles. But if you start freeing every slave between here and the Suez Canal, that would force a response from the government and the people would be impossible to feed. And I don't know what you were told regarding the spirit of the warrior, but that is complete shit. The enemy has weapons and training, we don't. And if we're forced to fight our way across the border, we will lose too many troops pushing it. You can't force a river front like the Suez without massive support squads and engineers trained in pontoon building. If that was your plan, you'd be better off guerilla fighting with a group about this size and just doing damage as you can here and there, working to destabilize the government. A full scale fight is something you would lose."

"That was basically my argument. Rock wouldn't buy it, and Jocasta really wants to free everyone. With the support of the ponies on our side, though, we can possibly force the government to give over on its slaves and release everyone peacefully."

"I hope so. I know if Celestia is forced to push the issue, I'll probably be either on the front lines or behind the enemy lines, causing what havoc I could in the back. Either way it would be dangerous for me. I just want to get home, or at the very least among friends."

"What makes you think that you would be the one sent? It might be one of us; we look more like we belong here than you do."

"Trust, of course. That and I think she secretly hates me and wants to get me killed."

"If you are so useful, why would she feel this way?"

"I have made life difficult for her, for reasons I am not at liberty to say."

"Maybe you will tell me more of your secrets in time, Navarone."

_Not this one._ "I don't know what more you want from me. I've told you pretty much everything about me that you asked. Hell, not like you can use any of it against me."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that. You said that not many ponies know of your activities. What would you do if we were to threaten to reveal them? They might not let you back."

"And why would you want to do that?"

"To keep you here, where you can help us fight."

"What makes you think I'd want to help you after you ruin my chance of returning to peace?"

"Where else would you go?"

"I could go to your enemies, if nothing else. If the ponies disown me, I have some plans in place that could easily destabilize this world, in more ways than one." Not entirely true, but I did have a few ideas to take down Celestia that I didn't mention to anyone. And if I had to go about wiping out slave groups for a corrupt government, I had methods of doing that as well. "Basically, it would not be in your good interests to betray me."

"You talk big, but you have little proof to back up what you say. What makes you think you could even go to our enemies? They would probably never take you."

"A mercenary that brings the head of a leader in the enemy force would be rather highly praised. I told you some things about me, but not everything. You bastards may currently have me neutered, with a blade against the throat of Spike, but if that dynamic was gone you would never see me again, until it was too late to run."

"So why should we even keep you alive, if you could be such a great threat?"

"Because I won't be until you turn me into one."

"You know, Navarone," she said, walking to me. "You aren't the only one with trump cards," said with a caress to my face that suddenly turned sharp as she bared her claws. "I could do anything I wanted to you, and you would be forced to sit there and take it."

"You could, but I don't see why you would."

"Ah, confusion in his eyes at last," she whispered, turning away. "So you aren't as smart as you think you are."

"There would be nothing to gain for you. Unless you've planned to be found out, and want me to take the blame for it."

"You always seem to think of politics. Never of fun. Tell me, when was the last time you laid with a woman?"

_Oh, that's what this is about._ "As far as I know, about a month. A naga woman."

"I see. Stretch your wings for me."

_What the fuck is wrong with this chick?_ I gave her the look you would expect when you're thinking something like that.

"I wasn't asking, Navarone."

I did as she said, stretching them as far as I could. She walked back up and ran her paws over them, sighing with pleasure as she caressed them. I felt dirty, but I couldn't help a little moan… _What the fuck? Why does that feel… good?_

And then she nodded once and walked out of the tent.

I had finally found someone crazier than Pinkie Pie. And I was living with her until we got back to the ponies.

I was tempted to act out to end up with Rock instead, but I was more afraid of any of his fetishes than I was of Kat's. At least if push came to shove, I could resist Kat if I had to.

But seriously, what the _fuck_?

The next day, we broke camp. For basically being a large band of nomads, they were surprisingly professional about it. Everything was squared away in under two hours and we were on our way.

And of course, instead of going east across the river, we went fucking south.

"Why are we going the wrong way?" I asked Kat.

"Because we can't cross the river here."

"Why not?"_ I swear to God if you say it's because you're cats…_

"The river is… unsafe."

"Why don't we go north instead and use rafts to travel along the coast? We'd avoid any military patrols and we could easily just skim around the border and the Suez Canal."

"We have our reasons." _Dammit, they're going to attack some camps._

_Dammit, I hate it when I'm right_. I was in the middle of running a mission, basically doing the same crap I did with the naga: Fly in and either wreak havoc or release slaves.

Since the cat people were stealthier and lighter than the naga, I was able to fly a small fighter in with me. His name was Miguel, a dirty little fighter that I handpicked because I knew he would be slitting throats and would probably get caught and cause enough of a distraction to let me get out unscathed.

While he was gleefully killing guards, I was using the keys from a belt loop I casually 'borrowed' them from to release slaves. I pointed them to the entrance of the camp, where Miguel had already dealt with the guards. A few more 'freedom fighters' were making their way in, but we couldn't risk bringing in too many.

_Dammit, whose bloody idea was this?_ Kat was reasonably sensible when it came to stuff like that, I had found. I was guessing Jocasta, because Rock would have just ordered us to attack the place up front, in plain daylight, with no planning.

I pulled the lock on the last slave pen and pointed them to the exit, then went looking for Miguel and the rest of the fighters. All I had to do was follow the sound of the general alarm that just started going off. _Son of a bitch._ I grabbed the nearest friendly and yelled at him, "We have to get out!"

He shook out of his bloodlust, and nodded numbly, pushing and pulling his comrades back. In an effort to hasten the process—before the gates could be closed and our troops locked inside—I did my best to light some of the empty slave pens on fire. That probably wouldn't kill any guards, but it would provide a distraction. There was little wood in the pens, as they were made of mostly clay or something like it, but I burned what I could.

When I saw that most of the fighters got the message, I leapt into the air to see what more I could do. There was, of course, general bedlam. I saw that the last fighter was Miguel, and he was doing an insane dance with two long daggers. Nothing got near him and lived. I was tempted to leave him, but I swooped in and grabbed him just as he pulled his daggers out of a newly made cadaver. He almost stabbed me before he returned to his senses.

Instead, he yelled, "Good fight, Sphinx!" Kat was wrong about that name. It did stick, even though I shaved. "We killed many today!"

I didn't answer.

When we got back to the camp, the mood was ecstatic. They had won their first battle against the enemy, and were high on their success. I didn't want to ruin their party so soon, so instead I went to Jocasta's tent. After a brief altercation with the guards, I was allowed inside.

"What in the hell was that?" I accosted her.

"That was restoring hope to my people."

"I get pulled out of my bed after an hour of sleeping and get told that I'm helping in a raid. I get dragged down to a freaking camp and told to fly over the wall carrying some psychopath. He goes killing with reckless abandon and I free some people. Then we burned the camp. Tell me, where are we going to get food for these people? Or water? And what about the old, the young, the infirm? If we stop, we die. If we slow down too much, we die. If we run out of food or water, we die. I thought I made that clear!"

She looked at me, and in a cold, calm fury, said, "You are not in charge of this camp. You are an agent of a foreign power. You were promised to us as aid. You will obey my orders or you will die. Is that understood?"

"You're going to get us all killed." With that, I left, not letting her respond.

I stood at the edge of the party, not belonging there and yet somehow wanting to join in on the happiness. We had come a ways from where we had started, at least; we finally got across the river, at a bridge not too far north of Cairo. Thankfully, the group we were in was small enough to be classified as a 'roaming nomad group,' as I had predicted, and we weren't searched that hard before we were allowed through.

We were making slow progress, not wanting to alarm any patrols that might be tracking us. At the time, I was predicting making it to the Suez Canal in at best two weeks, if we went in a straight line.

And then came the attack on the enemy camp. Now we were up to over three hundred people, many weak from slave labor or too old to be useful. We could no longer be seen as a nomadic group; we were too large and we had sacked an enemy area. Basically, any patrol that ran into us now had to be wiped out before they could report.

And just to show that whatever God is watching over this mad world wasn't paying attention to me, Kat decided she wanted to celebrate that night.

(Clop coming up. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

I got back to our tent shortly after I left Jocasta's. I don't know why Kat and I were given a tent; maybe Kat was a leader of sorts, or maybe the cats thought I was important enough to warrant one.

Kat was there, surprisingly. I hadn't thought much of her threat; she hadn't mentioned it since that day, so I was thinking she decided against it.

I was wrong.

She was sitting on the bed—_the _bed, mine was gone for some reason. Next to her was a… collar. And next to that was a leash.

I turned around, about to step right back out.

"If you leave, I'll tell Jocasta you haven't been obeying me." I stopped. I just pissed Jocasta off; she wouldn't believe a word I said now. I turned around again. "That's better," Kat said, smiling. "Now why don't you come over here?"

I slowly walked to her.

"Ooh, trying to make me excited?" she purred, seeing my slow advance. "We have all night, you know."

I was right in front of her, towering over her.

"On your knees, Navarone," she casually said, stroking the collar. I jerkingly lowered myself down until I was kneeling in front of her. My head was about at her stomach. "Look at me," she whispered.

I turned my eyes up at hers. Our eyes met. She reached around my neck and I heard the collar snap into place. "Your journals said you didn't think sex with a slave was fair, Nav. Rape, you called it. What does that make what we're about to do?"

I didn't answer.

She stood and walked behind me, holding the leash. I felt it clip onto the collar around my neck. She tugged it gently to make sure it was attached.

"I remember seeing you when you were knocked unconscious," she said, still behind me. "Stripped down. Helpless. Like a little wounded bird…" She gently caressed my wings. "I wanted you." I felt her caresses turn sharp. "I am going to make you sing, my sweet little bird. And you are going to love me for it." She pulled the leash harder, upwards. I stood and turned. I looked down at her. _I could crush you_.

"Strip me," she ordered. I began untying and removing her clothing. I did my best to not touch her actual fur, but I know my hands had to graze it a few times. When she was completely nude, she sat back on the bed, pulling the leash down. I kneeled again. "You're good at this, human. I almost think you've had practice."

I didn't answer.

"I don't need you to talk, Navarone. I think I'll like the sounds you'll be making soon more anyway," she said, grinning. I just looked down at her body. I knew what I was about to be doing. It wouldn't be _so _bad… She looked a lot more human than the ponies or the naga. And I knew that if I absolutely had to I could resist. But… It was still rape.

She opened her legs. "What are you waiting for?" she whispered. I looked at her hidden gem. It was much smaller than a mare's, and a little bit smaller than the naga's. I could see the hint of a clit jutting out with her slowly growing arousal. Thankfully, there was a general lack of fur around the part I knew would be getting most of the attention.

I raised my hands to pull her closer but felt the collar tighten as she pulled the leash. "No hands, Nav," she said. I lowered them, sighing gently. I leaned my head in and breathed out some warm air against her folds. She shuddered lightly. I felt one of her paws go to the top of my head and I knew I was about to be forced in if I didn't stop being a pussy. I moved my head a bit closer and took her clit into my mouth, tweaking it with my tongue.

She let out a deep moan, and began to purr. Oh God, it's like I'm having sex with a ca—_Oh right_. I continued playing with her clit, and felt the hand that was on my head slip down to my wings, gently caressing one of them. It felt really nice, but I still didn't feel right about this.

After a few minutes of toying with her clit and hearing her deep moans, I began to lick the lips of her small pussy. I could taste the juices that were beginning to flow with more and more force; slightly sweet with a bitter aftertaste. _How is she staying clean?_ Some questions are better left unanswered, I suppose.

After half a minute of that, I moved my tongue inside. _Holy fuck, she's tight even on my tongue!_ I swirled around, trying to find any good spots but not really knowing what I was doing; this was the second time I've done this, and the first was with a naga that was so cold my tongue felt frostbitten.

I heard her say, "After this night, I'll have to teach you how to do this properly…" She ruined her assessment with another moan. "But for now," she sighed, "your amateur style is refreshing."

Amateur? Me? Well, technically… But I know a few tongue tricks, and I've seen the tongues of cats. Since I began, I had narrowed my tongue out to make the contact area smaller so I would suffer less. But if she was going to taunt me… I flattened my tongue, widening it considerably and stretching her folds apart a little. I heard her gasp. I gave her insides a long lick from a wide tongue and felt an influx of fluids as she came.

Her moaning increased in volume and depth until I could feel it resonating in my chest. _Holy fuck, that actually feels good!_

And then I felt a sharp pain in the wing she had been caressing. I flinched and pulled back from her, but the leash didn't give me enough slack to see what the fuck she just did to me. She was riding the last waves of her pleasure, and was finally able to speak coherently again. "Aww, did I hurt the little birdy?" I looked up at her face, my mouth still lightly dripping from her juices. She was looking down at me, smiling. "I know just how to make you feel all better!"

She stood, letting the leash hang loose. I heard her move behind me again. She put one of her paws on the center of my back, right between my wings. With a surprising show of strength, she pushed me onto the low bed, leaving my legs on the floor so I was bent over. _I swear to whoever is listening, you do what I think you're going to do and your ass is grass._

I felt her straddle my back. Slowly, she began to unwind the desert clothes I was in, until most of my back was uncovered. "Prop your head up," she ordered. I moved my arms to do that. I felt her begin to rub my wings a bit.

Rubbing them a bit turned into rubbing them a lot. That turned into a full blown wing-rape, and before I knew it I was having to hold moans in. _Why didn't anyone tell me these wings were so sensitive?_

"Stop hiding your pleasure," she whispered in what I thought was a seductive tone. "I want to hear your music, my pretty little bird." _Fuck you, bitch_. I couldn't hold them in anymore, though, and let out a small moan.

I'm not good with moans of pleasure. It's a good thing I was a different species, or she probably would have been concerned with my health.

As it was, she increased her efforts, saying, "I knew this had to be getting to you. I've dealt with wings like this in the past…"

When I felt like I was finally about to give in to the pleasure entirely, she stopped. I sighed, unable to tell if I was actually disappointed. She got off my back and used the leash to force me back up into a kneeling position. "Can't let you get _too _excited," she said. "You aren't finished."

She stood to my side and grabbed one of my wings. "Stretch out your wings again." I did so, and noticed that the one she had grabbed was hitting some resistance. I heard her moan lightly and looked over to see what the fuck she was doing.

My wing was between her legs. I pushed it harder up and she answered with another little moan. I ruffled my feathers and she gasped. She began to grind against me, coating my feathers with her juices. _Eww_.

She did that for a while, sliding up and down my wing and coating the entire thing with a thin film of cat juices. She finally said, "You may lower your wings now."

It was actually hard to do that… They seemed to want to keep themselves up. I forced them down with a measure of will.

"You feel it, don't you?" she whispered with a smile. She used the leash to make me stand. "Drop 'em," she commanded, looking at the pants. I did. "I thought you'd be happy to see me…" she said, looking at my fully extended manhood. I didn't want to, but… her moans were sexy as hell. She gently put one of her paws on it and traced it lightly. "Little bit different from a cat's, that's for sure…" She gripped it. "And much bigger." She let it go. "On the bed."

I looked at the bed. I looked back at her and fluttered my wings. She noticed and understood. "Deal with it," she said with a smile, and shoved me down.

I hit hard, smarting my wings rather fiercely. Before I could move, she was on me. And before I could notice that she was on me, I was in her. She growled deep in her throat. "Nice… tight… fit…" she whispered, adjusting slightly at each word. Holy fuck she was tight. When she was finally adjusted, she pulled my leash until I was closer up, removing some of the weight off my wings. "I have been… well trained, Navarone. I don't expect you to keep up." Her eyes narrowed. "But if I find you cum before you absolutely couldn't hold it in any longer…" she pulled me as close as she could get and leaned down the rest of the way so our eyes were right next to each other, "…I'll borrow some toys from Jocasta so I can teach you how a real tom pleases a molly." _What_? She leaned down even further and kissed me deeply, pushing her tongue in my mouth and brooking no resistance from me. When she pulled back, she was wearing a tight smile. "I'm glad to know you can be so pliable. I'm sure your Princess loves that as well." _Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the girls in this world? And why does everyone think I'm fucking Celestia?_

She dropped the leash and I fell back a bit, letting my arms catch me before my wings got caught in the bed again. She began to ride me. With her juices flowing as they were, she had no problem taking all of me in, even though I was apparently so much larger than the typical cat. The only sounds in our little tent were her deep moans and the thwapping sound of wet fur against wet skin.

I felt the pleasure build very quickly, but knew that if I came too soon I would very deeply regret it. I did my best to hold it in as long as I could, but she wasn't lying when she said she was trained; she was squeezing me in just the right places at just the right times. I don't know how she knew how to pleasure a human, but holy fuck I wasn't complaining.

I didn't realize how much I was getting to her, though… Apparently she wasn't quite used to someone with my apparent size. She was still going just fine, but was now lying across my chest. I looked in her face and saw either pain or pleasure, it was hard to tell. I was guessing pleasure since she was still going just as happily as she began.

And her fur and body felt great against my bare chest. She was really, really soft, and squishy in all the places a human would be. I would have wrapped my arms around her if she hadn't already told me to not use my hands. Or if I wasn't holding myself up. Or if she wasn't technically raping me.

Either way, with her lying across me, every motion she made brushed her clit against me, giving her even more pleasure. She actually came before me, and her contractions caused me to finally lose it. When she started, I felt her arms go to my back. _Oh, how cu_—_HOLY SHIT!_

I arched my back, pressing myself further against her. I felt and heard blood dripping onto the bed behind me. _HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS BITCH!_ I tried to push her off of me, but her claws were actually dug into my back now.

When she rode out the wave of pleasure, she pulled herself gently off my chest and looked up at me, her claws still in my back. I was looking at her with horror, my eyes wide. She smiled. "You're mine now, my little birdy. And I know just how to take care of you… And if you don't give me what I want, when I want," she said, her eyes narrowing, "I think I know just how to take it." She pulled one of her paws off of my back and brought it up to her face. It was covered in blood. She smiled and took a little lick. "This is just the beginning," she promised me.  
_Oh shit…_

The next night began her… _lessons_. Over the nights, she taught me how to properly go down on a chick, how to hit all the right spots in every thrust, how to last as long as possible, how to make the girl beg, and more. It was informative, but each night ended with more scars in my back, less sleep for me, and another rape. I quickly learned to dread nights.

The lesson she taught me that she didn't want me to learn was how to be silent. After the fifth night she didn't get a peep from me until she scratched me at the night's end. I couldn't resist her or fight back for fear of retribution, but by God I could make her lose by not singing for her.

Two weeks. Every night. I have no idea how much blood I lost. After the third day I tried postponing my visits with Spike until the night to try to get her to go to sleep waiting for me, but she got Miguel to look after him and teach him things whenever I tried to visit him. I gave up on that tactic quickly, since it was my daily talks with Spike that kept me sane.

"You know, my little bird," she was saying one night, "it would be so much easier if you just accepted this." She ran a claw down my chest and onto my dick—not scratching anything, just making my skin tingle.

I didn't answer. I couldn't, with my mouth gagged; I let off a scream one night when she went way too far and now she kept me gagged for these sessions—when my mouth wasn't being used for something else, that is.

"Oh, I know, you give me whatever I want and I take what you're not willing to part with," she continued, "But you still aren't fully mine." She patted me gently on my cheek. The one on my face, I mean. "Don't get me wrong, mind: Your body is what I really enjoy. But would it hurt you so much to put your all into it? To really start looking forward to it?"  
_Fuck you and fuck your Stockholm syndrome._

She sighed and casually swiped her claws across my face, drawing blood. _Another noticeable scar. It can join those on my soul_. "I'm starting to think you don't enjoy this!"

Didn't stop her from continuing, though. More time, more lessons. After two weeks, she deemed me 'ready.'

I didn't want to know what I was ready for. Thankfully, I didn't have to find out: That was the night of the big battle, and Jocasta had to literally drag me out of Kat's arms to fight it.

(Sex is over)

At least we were still heading northeast, even if we were liberating slave camps left and right.

Seriously, we were pushing two thousand by the time we actually saw the Suez Canal. And the funny thing, at least if you have no sense of humor: The Suez Canal isn't even the fucking border of Egypt and the Middle East. We still had, like, a hundred miles to go.

But, as I was assured by virtually everyone, the going would be easier once we passed the Canal. And our doing so would be good for the morale of every slave left on our side: We would be the first group to _successfully _force the Canal. Emphasis on successfully.

Of course, it wasn't as easy as just fording the thing. No, these cats had to be difficult about it. I offered to fly across a few ropes or something to create a rope bridge, but _noooo_, they wanted the morale boost of taking one of the bridges themselves.

I very seriously almost told them to fuck off, consequences be damned. And if it was just me there, I would have. But with Spike involved… I was rather pissed at Celestia for telling him to come along.

Speaking of Spike, he was having a blast. These cat people did respect dragons, apparently, but not enough to fail to use him as a bargaining chip to keep me in line. He didn't see what my problem was with the whole thing.

"Stop worrying, Navarone! We've made it this far. What more could they throw at us?" That was worrying me as well, actually. They hadn't really done anything against us. Sure, we lost a few fighters when we attacked camps, but there hadn't been any big attacks against us. Just sorties from the occasional patrol. That made me think they were planning something big, probably when most of our fighters were away dealing with the bridge. They could hit our camp, kill the defenseless weak, and be gone before our fighters even knew there was a problem.

And when I broached the subject to Kat—Jocasta no longer saw me—she told me not to worry about it, that it was _taken care of._

Oh, and for anyone wondering: I was right. We _were _starving. And we were mostly dehydrated. It had taken us damn near a bloody month to get to the fucking Suez Canal. After the first two weeks Celestia didn't even bother asking for progress reports anymore.

We were almost completely out of food, almost out of water—the canal water was not good to drink without some preparation—and we were all tired. Especially me, who got almost no sleep between the constant raids and Kat's tender ministrations. I actually passed out once, near the end of the journey. I woke up being dragged by a few of the warriors I had helped in the past.

The plan for the attack on the bridge called for a two pronged assault on both sides, the attack on our side led by Rock and the attack on the other side led by me, with some handpicked fighters renowned for their skills with daggers. Basically, my job was to keep the bridge down: It could be lowered or raised from one side or the other, and we had to secure the control rooms for both, while the rest of the group attacked and led most of the guards away.

When we held one side, we were supposed to signal another group of fighters, who were supposed to dash in from the enemy's side dressed as enemy reinforcements and hold the bridge. They were separated from the enemy troops by a headband. I predicted a few friendly fire casualties, but not many. Another group of assassins were spread out across the city with orders to kill guards if possible when the fighting started, and if not possible, at least delay them from reaching contested zones.

At the time, we had upwards of seven hundred fighting-fit soldiers. Fifty were to be 'enemy' reinforcements. Twenty were to be my assassins. One hundred were to guard the camp. I don't know how many general murderers there were. The rest were a part of the big fight.

My group went into the crowded city at midnight, when most people were asleep. Some scaled the walls, some went in through the gates, some hid in carts or wagons. Miguel and I did a short flying jump over the gates. Our goal was the tavern of a friendly ex-slave. We weren't going to actually meet there, but rather, each was to leave a mark on the door that showed that he had been there, and then get into position to wait for the signal.

Why, you ask? Because I watch movies. Everyone has a price. No reason to risk betrayal.

Miguel and I were watching the tavern from across the street. Just two cats that were tired and wanted to rest but had no money, one with his face covered and the other glaring enough at anyone else that none bothered us.

When the last mark was placed on time, we moved out, sticking together. Everyone here had a buddy, just in case, and everyone had a different objective. Their markings showed that they were all clear and on the move, ready to move on the signal.

At 2:15 AM, Miguel and I successfully scaled a bell tower, and waited for sunrise. When we predicted it was time, we forced the mechanism to turn, ringing the bells before they were due.

As some people scratched their heads, confused as to what was going on, nine different groups of assassins killed all the guards covering the bridge on our side of the Canal. I don't know a definite count, but I was betting it was about forty guards.

No alarm was raised.

There were still guards in the city, but none were covering our side of the bridge. It was currently down, since there was no reason to raise it.

Miguel and I glided down the tower, keeping mostly out of sight. From start to finish, that phase took five minutes.

On the other side of the Canal, around five hundred fighters were now attacking the town, roaring battle cries. Another group of assassins were supposed to take out the gate keepers so the gates would stay open, but I didn't know at the time how that fight was going.

We still had half a bridge to take, and we couldn't dedicate all of our men to attacking it. We were able to wave our 'enemy' reinforcements forward, to take the spots of the sentries that we had killed. Their disguises wouldn't survive a close examination, but it was enough to fool a quick look.

I took most of my assassins across the bridge. This side was going to be messier; the guards would be on an alert of sorts due to the city being attacked, but they still wouldn't be expecting us. And we wouldn't have time to plan a massive signal. Basically it was kill silently if you could and if you couldn't then just kill.

My men were good, though. Only one short alarm was called, and it was dealt with by a quick fake out, pretending to be the guard when asked what was happening. Lazy, unprofessional bastards. And thank God for it, too. My assassins were to hold this side of the bridge, while the other side was to be raised so as to prevent any real enemy reinforcements to get across for as long as possible.

We predicted a total of seven hundred and fifty guards in the city, and we killed about eighty or so at the bridge. The murderers that were at work throughout the city were building up an impressive count.

I couldn't afford to leave the bridge, or I would have reported to Rock that we held it. That and I honestly didn't care anymore. The camp should be moving into the city now, though; part of the plan had them follow the fighters in and grab what food and water they could while heading in basically a straight line behind the main mass of fighters.

Of course, city fighting is a bitch. Especially in a city like this: Mazelike, unplanned, with hidey holes and whatnot all over the damn place. We would probably lose some people just from them getting lost, and we couldn't afford to wait for them on the other side; once we got moving, we had to stay moving.

I checked behind me, and the other side was still up. I nodded to myself, and sent Miguel off for a message to Rock: "Bridge is secure. No casualties. Hurry but take your time."

Then I sent another assassin team with the same message, because Miguel was going to be too busy killing to deliver it. It was set to be a good day.

Four hours later, I was proven wrong.

There was a large, large mass of soldiers outside the walls on the east side. Enemy soldiers.

We held the town. There were no guards left alive that weren't disarmed. Most of the citizens were locked in their houses. Most of our people were locked in a circle right behind the east walls, where arrows couldn't hit them.

Rock had been injured in the battle. I had no idea where Kat was; she had been in one of the wandering murder teams for the main battle. Jocasta was on her way up the wall when the enemy soldiers held up a parley flag.

One of our troops asked if we wanted to raise the gates. Jocasta said yes and I said hell no.

"Let's just fucking fly down there. We don't want them rushing the gates." She couldn't deny the logic in that, so off we went. Just the two of us. In the middle of a no-man's land. Right in front of a mass of at least fifteen hundred enemy troops.

Yeah, this good day just went real shitty.

The enemy general was a pompous looking little twit. His demand was basically our immediate surrender, yada yada.

We presented a counter-argument. "We own this city now, but we don't really want it that much. We'd much prefer to keep going east. If you march your men north and leave us be, we'll just keep going east." It was a nice argument, with a hint of a threat and an easy solution for both sides.

Sadly, he didn't make it easy. "That would mean my head. I'm sorry, but I cannot let you leave."

"What if a foreign power got involved?" I asked.

"Yes, I've heard tales of you, pony-lover. Tell me, why should we care what the Equestrians think of us?"

"Because Celestia wants this group of slaves alive and in her borders. And she has a large army a few hundred miles that way," with a point east, "that she can magically teleport here in the blink of an eye."

"If she knew I'm here—which I don't believe she does—what proof do I have that she can do as you ask?"

"She's the eternal queen of more than half the planet. You know that unicorns can teleport, because it happened when ponies were banned from leaving. Well, as it turns out, Celestia is rather displeased at that ban. And she's more powerful than any unicorn in existence. Even if she just teleports herself in, do you really think she would hesitate to deal with your little army?"

"And what proof do you even have that you're one of her agents? I've heard talk that you are nothing more than an upstart mercenary that betrayed his first job to the rebels, and then forged a tale of lies that you were an agent of the crown."

"The fact that I've made it this far. What manner of 'upstart mercenary' could lead so many sneak attacks on your slave camps so successfully? What manner of 'upstart mercenary' helps lead a group of slaves out of desert when it would be more profitable to sell them off? What manner of 'upstart mercenary' takes over a fucking town with the help of an army?"

He harrumphed. "I will consult my officers. You will have one hour to do the same." With that, he turned on his heel and strode off. We flew back up to the wall.

"I need Spike, right now," I told Jocasta.

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't lying about getting Celestia here. It has reached the point where I think we need a bit of intervention. In an hour I'm guessing his answer will be flying at us in the form of a rock from a catapult."

She led me to Spike.

Writing quickly, I explained the situation to Celestia and asked her for assistance.

Her reply was brief: "Get airborne." I immediately took off.

Not a minute later, Celestia appeared, flying next to me. I could not explain the relief I felt upon seeing her. If we weren't both in the air I would have broken all decorum and wrapped my grubby arms about her.

"We'll talk later," is what she said. "Take me to this general."

We landed to grab an awestruck Jocasta, and took off again. We settled in the no-man's land and waited.

I feel like it would have been a beautiful picture, if there had been a camera around. A lightly clothed cat woman standing with claws fully bared, glaring hate at an approaching army. A winged human cradling a dusty, cocked crossbow in his arms, covered in desert rags from the neck down, wind shifting his long, greasy hair in the wind. A sheathed sword was on his back and a covered quiver of bolts was on his hips. And between them stood a majestic alicorn, taller than both her honor guards, practically radiating the sunlight she was named after. Behind us, a massive, smoking desert city, walls of light clay and manned by a ragged slave army nervously fingering weapons. Before us, a massive army, rank upon rank of well-trained desert fighters just waiting for the order to charge. It was three against fifteen hundred. I felt good about those odds.

"So… what do we do if they charge?" Jocasta asked.

"We cover the princess until she's in no danger. Then we fucking bail."

Jocasta snorted. "You can guard the back of your precious princess. If they charge, I'm running."

Princess Celestia didn't say anything.

The wait wasn't long. The enemy general abandoned his officers and came sprinting to us. When he reached us, he took a look at Celestia, rubbed his eyes, and looked again, still speechless and gaping. She was just smiling sadly.

Without a word, she lowered her horn and touched him lightly with it. He went rigid with shock, and his army started shouting and readying weapons. But then he relaxed and waved them down. She had just completely refreshed him, to prove that she was real.

He nodded slowly, and said, "We'll be gone in an hour."

And they were, too. It was quite a sight. I heard later that the general was commissioning a statue there that detailed that moment. It was pretty much the turning point in the entire 'war.'

Our group of slaves was free to leave, and the army was no longer enforcing any slave laws. It was a military coup of the most interesting kind: A _relatively _peaceful one.

Eventually, of course, the general we left went back and reentered the town, restoring order. He didn't stop there, though; he went farther, to Catro itself, and ousted the terrible government that was in place. I heard he finally confronted and killed the king in front of the Sphinx, which ever after became known as the symbol of freedom for Egypt.

All Celestia had to do was show up at the right moment, and all we had to do was build that right moment up.

Relations are still somewhat strained between us and them, but my month of hell was over; now that the coast was clear, Jocasta let me and Spike leave, so Celestia took us with her. Kat had no say in the matter, though I heard she was rather displeased when she found her… _pet _had escaped.

A little tidbit from your Master Discord

While Celestia, Jocasta, and Navarone were staring down the enemy general, Miguel was huffing and puffing, spitting out blood. He had just taken down an entire squad of guards and had taken a spear through the lungs while doing it. The guard that cast the spear lay dead at Miguel's feet.

Slowly, Miguel started to slouch. Blades fell from nerveless fingers. Their clattering to the cobblestones was the only sound on the deserted street wet with blood. He started to collapse.

I caught him and picked him up. I brought us through time and space, bringing him to my bolt hole in the forest. "Just enough to keep him alive for a few more minutes, Trixie," I whispered into her mind.

Without a word, she poured a haunting mix of chaotic magic and unicorn magic into the cat. His body convulsed; he was the first to ever feel the mixed magic in several lifetimes. His eyes opened in shock.

Before he could say anything, I poured light into the room. Just enough so that he could see me and Trixie. "Miguel," I said, "you are a murderer. A sociopath. A monster."

He smiled. "I may be a monster, but at least I'm not a freak," he answered, looking at me.

I answered his smile with my own. "I may be a freak, but I am a freak with power. I can give you life. I can let you live forever. I can let you _kill _forever. There is, of course, a price."

"I know of prices," he said, coughing lightly. "I've paid plenty. I've ducked out of paying more."

"There is nowhere you can run to hide from my eyes," I said. "But I don't think you will mind my price, since it also involves killing."

"I'm listening," he hoarsely answered.

"In time, I will call for you. I will have need of your services. When I call, you will answer and you _will _do as I say. In return for doing as I say, I will save your life now and I will give you an ageless life."

"How do I know you can keep your promise?" he asked, rightfully so.

I put a finger to his forehead and showed him what his future could be. And then I showed him what his future will be if he didn't do as I commanded.

He slowly nodded upon seeing both. "Once a slave always a slave," he said in a whisper. "I am yours, Discord."

I snapped my fingers, healing him completely and sending him back to his miserable little city.

"Trixie, he is going to betray me," I told her.

She looked at me with concern. "Then why would you trust him? Why would you give him anything?"

I rubbed her head affectionately. "Because, my dear, he will give me what I need first. After that, his use will be expended." I turned and began to walk further into the sanctum with Trixie at my heels. I knew what she was thinking before she asked it.

"And me, Lord? What will I be to you when I am no longer needed?"

_A footrest, perhaps_? I did have a few ideas of what to do with Trixie when she stopped being useful. "I will always have need of a steward," I answered. "And there are always functions a loyal mare can do for someone like myself." If there's a Lord Discord, why not have a Lady Discord? Of course, it would never be Trixie, but if she wanted to think that, why not?

I knew she was beaming at me. "I will do anything you ask, master! _Anything_!"

"I know, Trixie," I said, running an eagle talon down her throat without turning to face her.

Ever since she found that her Regal had betrayed her, she was looking for a new source of affection. And, well, I am the only sentient thing she had spoken to in the past… while. It was neither something I had foreseen nor something I welcomed, but I knew I could use it. If nothing else… Well, I might get bored.


	19. Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Seventeen—Coming down from the high of war

Celestia teleported me and Spike to a city that was called Ramla. The main population of that place was apparently sheep. I honestly wanted to make a joke about that, but I couldn't find it in me. I just wanted to get healed and get some undisturbed sleep. And then some food.

She teleported us to some manner of bedroom. We were the only ones there at the time.

"Do you want me to take care of those scars on your face?" Celestia sweetly asked before I could do much looking around.

I gave her a dead look. "There's a lot more wrong with me than my face, Celestia," I answered.

She raised an eyebrow and kept her smile. "Did you get a few scratches playing with your cat friend?" she asked. "I'm sure Luna woul—What are you doing?" I was taking my shirt off.

She gasped in horror. Spike echoed it.

My entire back was a mass of scars, some of which were probably leaking blood. There was a brand on my chest. I had a tattoo on one shoulder. There was more that I don't want to talk about.

"Whenever you're done staring," I said. It all hurt. A lot. There were times I had to be dragged behind some of the slaves because I just couldn't move. I still haven't figured out how I was able to do so many raids. I like to think it was for Spike; I figured if I didn't help he would be hurt.

Celestia stopped gaping and rushed to my side. Her horn glowed a beautiful gold and gave me sweet release from the pain. She backed away from me with a confused look on her face.

Before she could say anything I pulled out my dagger. "Get ready to heal me some more," I warned. "I'm not leaving this filthy thing on my skin." I put the dagger to the tattoo, but Celestia stopped me with magic.

"We have a better way of dealing with that," she said, her voice strained. "We'll do it later. What happened to you?"

I looked down at Spike, who was still staring at my body in horror. I looked back up to Celestia. "I fell down some stairs. We'll _never _speak of this again."

"Nav, stairs don't do that to a pony!" Spike finally spoke up. "I knew you were hurt from your raids, but I never knew it was _that _bad!"

I looked at him. "I think you remember the agreement we made to never speak of this again," I said. "Stop it." He blinked. I turned back to Celestia. "I need a bed."

She looked like she was about to cry. "I didn't know they were torturing you, Nav…" she whispered. She saw my face harden and she sighed. "Take this bed. There was going to be a feast of sorts to welcome you back, but I think you need this more. Spike, come with me."

He gulped and gave me one last look before hesitantly following her out. I was in bed before they got out the door and asleep before they were a few steps away.

I woke up from what I later learned was nearly twenty hours of sleep. Being healed takes a lot out of someone, and my previous sleep deprivation, dehydration, blood loss, and hunger did a serious number on me as well.

Needless to say, I woke up feeling terrible. More so when I found I went to bed with all of my weapons on me, so I had a dagger jabbed in my side the entire time. And I was also terrified, given that I had no idea where the hell I was. A quick look around showed me I was safe, thankfully. The room was well-furnished, a few steps down from what I would call opulent. I saw a heavily curtained window, but I didn't feel like checking it out.

Of course, given that I had just spent over a month living in a tent, all that it took for a room to be nice was a bed and no crazy cat lady doing terrifying things to me. I achingly got to my feet. I pulled the knife away from my stomach so it didn't hit the spot where it had been all night and began to stretch. My body limbered and a little less sore, I looked around and quickly found a bathroom. I took the most glorious shower I had ever had, and a lot of the water ended up in my mouth instead of on the body; I was still thirsty as hell.

When I got as much of the dirt, grime, shame, and blood off of me as I could, I got out. I didn't have any change of clothes since I was in a large hurry to get away from the cats, so it was with much disappointment that I put on the nasty pants that took me through the deserts. I didn't bother with a shirt; no one here but Spike, Celestia, and Twilight knew that I even wore one.

Then I looked down and noticed my unwanted tattoo and put the shirt on.

I settled on the bed with a sigh. Some of what Kat did to me… I would probably never mentally recover from some of it. Some of what I was forced to do I would also probably not recover from. But such is life, I suppose.

I was enjoying the shade of being inside and the sensation of not moving for what was probably an hour when there was a gentle knocking at my door. I pushed myself out of bed and answered it. I found myself face-to-air with a small sheep. I suppose for her it was face-to-stomach. "Yes?" I whispered, my voice a bit unused to speaking. I coughed and tried again, sounding much louder.

The sheep jumped when I coughed. "The princess sent me here to see if you needed anything," she answered, eyes downcast.

"Food and clothes. And something to drink. I haven't eaten much of anything in days and this is the only pair of clothing I have. After that, I'll need a way to remove a tattoo." I didn't expect clothing and the tattoo removal any time soon, honestly. If it meant getting food, I didn't care. I could feel a hole gnawing its way through my stomach.

Fifteen minutes later, I was wondering why I even fucking bothered getting out of bed. I looked down at the plate of flowers. I looked up at the sheep. I looked back down. "I can't eat this." I looked up again. "Where are the kitchens? I'll just go loot them instead."

She smiled shee—No, I'm not going to resort to puns. She smiled nervously. "They're quite good, I can assure you."

I sighed and rubbed my temple. "My biology makes eating flowers bad for me. If I ate these, I would be sick and could possibly die. I forgot that this would be a problem, since I've been living among carnivores for so long." She blanched at that. I kept going, "I need to get to the kitchens so I can get something I can eat."

She still didn't look that happy. "The princess wanted you to stay here for a little while longer…"

I pulled out my knife. "I can eat sheep, if you're interested in me staying here."

She led me to the kitchen at a pace that was somewhat hard to keep up with. I saw quite a few ponies around, but most of them were guards. A few of them nodded to me.

When I got to the kitchen, I promptly looted the shit out of it. By which I mean I showed up, scared the staff, and poked around until they asked me what I wanted. I grabbed some stuff and was thrown out the kitchen into a small cafeteria, where I was the only one there. Leftover stew—vegetable, sadly—bread, a few apples… I didn't feel that great when I finished, but by God I wasn't hungry anymore. Thankfully, the cafeteria I was shown to didn't make me wash my own dishes, so I just found the little sheep staring at me fearfully from the door and had her lead me back.

"I'm not really going to eat you," I said on the way. She flinched. "And I can't read minds either." She flinched again. "I don't eat things that can talk, and I would never be the only one eating meat among a large group of herbivores." That didn't seem to calm her down too much, but I also didn't really care.

"The princess is going to kill me," she finally moaned.

"You're still worried about _that_? Jesus, lass, just tell her—if she asks, that is—that I needed to tell the kitchen workers what I could eat. She'll understand, because I had to do the same damn thing with her staff. And if she doesn't ask, don't volunteer the information; what she doesn't know can't hurt her."

Thankfully, we got back to my room before anything more was said. When we did, she said, "The princess wishes to invite you to dinner, guest. The meal will begin in eight hours, I believe." She checked a clock in my room and nodded smartly, regaining some of her composure. "If there is anything you require, I—" She gulped. "—I am to be your liaison."

"Anything?" I asked, my voice drooping to what I was taught was seductive.

She gulped again.

I bent down closer her, close enough that I was able to smell her light strawberry shampoo. "I need," I whispered… And then stood up straight and continued in a regular voice, "Clothes and a way to remove a tattoo. And then I have a few questions."

She let out a small sigh and said with a bit of a frown, "I don't know where I can get clothing your size, but tattoo removal shouldn't be that hard. There's a court unicorn in the palace that claims to know you. I bet she could do it."

"It has been a while since I saw Twilight… But no, she doesn't need to know of this. Don't mention it to her; it can wait. If you know of either a good tailor or a place I could wash the clothing I have, either would do. I refuse to go near Celestia again with clothing this dirty; I may be irreverent but I am not suicidal."

Her eyes lit up a bit. "I can drop your clothes off at the palace laundry room. They should be done fairly quickly."

I looked down at her. She looked up at me, smiling to finally be able to do something useful—or to get away from me for a while.

"I'll be right back," I said, going to the bathroom. I wasn't about to strip in front of her. I took all my clothing off, removed all the hidden weapons, tied a massive pony towel around my waist, draped another around my shoulders so the tattoo would be hidden, and walked back out. I found her staring at me with the same happy expression. "You're way too chipper," I said as I gave her the clothes.

"The princess sent me here personally to help you!" she beamed. And she was bipolar. Maybe she just really wanted to get out of here. Or maybe no one here ever flirted with her.

I didn't care either way. "Bring them back when they're cleaned. I can get more clothing later."

She didn't move. "Can I… see your tattoo?" she asked.

I looked at her. "How old are you?" I finally asked.

She wasn't expecting that question. "Uh… old enough?"

I snorted. "No one's old enough to see this. Even Celestia was horrified. Go on. I'll need you to show me how to get to Twilight when you get back with those cleaned."

"I could do that on the way, you know," she said, still not moving.

I turned my back to her. "See you in an hour or so," I said as I moved to the bed. I heard the door open and shut as I went to the bed. I plopped back down, grateful to be alone in silence once again.

An hour later I was on my way to Twilight's lab. The sheep had calmed down and was now neither happy nor scared. I was beginning to think she really was bipolar. Thankfully, she didn't put up a fight to take me to Twilight; I think she talked to Celestia or something.

Apparently Twilight's room was clear across the palace, because it took us nearly ten minutes of walking to get there. We passed several large windows on the way, giving me a bit of a look at the city. It was a pretty nice place, and I saw herbivores of all races walking its streets. There was a coastline off in the distance.

When we got to Twilight's room, I sent the servant chick on her way. I found that Twilight had a pretty nice pad, much nicer than the room I was given. Not that I was really complaining, of course—I was happy to have a room at all.

"About time you woke up," Twilight said when she saw me walk in. She pointed a hoof at a morose looking Spike and said, "He's been whining for hours. I don't know what you did to him in that month and a half you spent playing in the desert, but you need to bring him back to his senses."

My hands balled into fists at her wording. Spike was glaring at her and I probably was too. "Playing?" I whispered. She looked at me like I was an idiot. "Tell that to the cats I killed—and the cats I saved," I said louder. She flinched. "Spike, let's go. We'll be back before the feast, Twilight."

"Where are you going?" she demanded. I looked at her as Spike came to my side.

"Out," I answered.

We turned to go. "Out where?" she asked.

"To do guy things," I said as I opened the door. She sniffed but didn't stop us. I was hoping this meeting would be a lot happier, but if she was going to be like that… So be it.

We were a few feet down the hall when Spike asked, "So where are we going, anyway?"

"Fuck if I know. I woke up a few hours ago and haven't gone anywhere but my room and the kitchens. If you've found anywhere nice and peaceful to sit and talk, we can go there."

I saw him shrugging out of the corner of my eye. "When I left you the princess took me to the throne room, where we talked about… some things. Ever since then I've been with Twilight."

"Then let's just head to my room." I started retracing the steps to get there. "Why does Twilight think you're sulking?" I looked down and noticed him having a bit of a hard time keeping up. I picked him up and gave him a piggy-back ride.

He sighed and leaned over onto my head. "There's no meat here," he finally said. "And no gems," he hastily tacked on. "I had to eat vegetable stew last night! After so long of eating meat, it was…" I felt him shiver slightly. "Not that great."

It might have been near starvation talking, but I thought it was pretty good. "We're back in herbivore territory, Spike. We're not going to get anywhere by eating meat in front of them. Maybe when we get back home I'll teach you how to hunt." He perked up a bit at that. "I think my crossbow might have a bit too much of a kick for you to use, but it'll still do you good to learn."

We talked a bit about hunting on the way to my room. Admittedly, it had been a long time since I had done it, and when I had I was just sitting in a stand, but I knew I could figure it out eventually. I… I had a feeling I wouldn't be spending as much time among the ponies anymore.

The walk between the two rooms seems to take much less time when you're actually talking to a friend. We made it there quickly enough. Thankfully, nothing had been disturbed. I set Spike down and we sat in silence for a moment.

"Nav, about…" He stopped, looking at me. I saw his eyes flick to where he knew I was tattooed. He sighed and shook his head. "What happened?"

"Kat happened," I answered. "And that is all you need to know. I never want you to ask about it and I never want to hear you bring it up again." He didn't look that pleased with the answer, but it was all he was going to get. I started searching the room, since I hadn't actually looked around before. "Look around, see if you can find anything worth noting," I said.

He shook his head, but did so. "So what are we looking for?" he finally asked.

"Money. Food. Anything, really. I don't know if Celestia prepped these rooms for me or not, but if there's money here I'm planning on going into town and finding a tailor."

"And what if the money we find wasn't meant for you?" he asked.

I scoffed. "What are they going to do, send me back to Egypt? Flog me? _Brand _me?" I sniffed. "There's not much they can do to me that hasn't been done."

He looked at me with a bit of concern before turning back to the search. With a grunt he hefted a small bag and pulled the strings. "I found a few bits," he said, tossing the bag up lightly. I held my hand out and he tossed the bag to me.

I checked it. "Should be enough," I said with a small nod. "Now, about Twilight," I started, only to be stopped by a knock at the door.

"Navarone, are you in there?" I heard Celestia's voice ring out.

I turned to Spike and put a finger to my lips. I didn't want to talk to Celestia just yet, because I knew what she would want to talk about. I quietly walked to my window and peeled the curtain back. I smiled at what I saw: My room was facing away from the palace and we were on the second or third floor. I eagerly wrenched the windows open, thanking whoever was listening to my wordless pleas that the hinges were silent. I motioned to Spike, who came over to me with a questioning look.

I put the bag in a pocket and picked Spike up without a word. I heard a knock again and without a thought I defenestrated myself, letting my wings unfurl.

"Why are we running from the princess?" Spike finally asked when we were a few feet out the window.

"We're not," I answered. "We're flying from her. And I consider it more of a tactical retreat than a case of 'running away.' I simply don't wish to talk to her right now, and opening the door would require doing so."

"That sounds an awful lot like running away, Nav," he said doubtfully.

I smiled. "It's all about perspective. Honestly, I'm surprised she even took the time to come see me. Kind of makes me feel bad about this, but then I remember that I just did the most painful thing in my life for her. Least she can do is wait a few damn hours."

"Well when you put it that way… It still makes you seem kind of like a jerk."

We were pretty low to the ground now, and getting close to what I considered a decent landing point, but I still had time to say, "A fall from this height might not kill you, but that just means it'll hurt longer." He just shook his head. It's good that he didn't keep going, since I had no intention of dropping him.

I landed with a practiced ease and set Spike down. We were in a large square in the city proper, and there was quite a large group of sheep staring at us in what was probably fear. _Take me to your leader! Wait, I'm running from her_… I sighed inwardly. Things are never as easy are they are in the movies.

I looked down at Spike who was looking at the sheep with what looked like hunger in his eyes. "Spike, how long has it been since you ate?" I asked.

He blinked and looked away from the sheep. "Uh… Last night, probably. I didn't feel up to eating breakfast…"

I stuck my hand in my pocket and fingered the bag of coins. _Enough to get food, if nothing else_. "Let's find a bazaar or something and get you some food, then. I'm not going to have you…" I looked at the crowd that was still staring at us in fear. I decided against saying what I was going to say. "Let's go."

"Can we find some meat?" he asked, hunger evident in his voice. I closed my eyes so I didn't have to see everyone in the audience flinch.

"Dammit, Spike…" I grabbed him and put him over my shoulder. "Watch my back. If one of them tries to come at me, let me know." So I got a bit paranoid in Egypt. I'm okay with that.

You know, I kind of forgot there was a whole starvation thing going on. I passed several stalls with withered fruit and all wanted more than I was willing to pay. We were looking for nearly an hour when I leaned against a side wall, Spike at my side.

"Celestia is going to starve me back to the castle, like it or not," I wearily said. I actually didn't have a problem with that, most times; she was usually fun to talk to, and living in the royal seat of power has all manner of benefits. But I liked having options if I needed to get somewhere else. Still, living near the coast gave me options. "If it comes down to it, I'll teach you how to bloody fish," I finally said. Spike didn't say anything. He was too busy watching the crowds of passing sheep with hunger in his eyes.

The sheep were relatively used to us now, but many of them still stopped and stared until they noticed that Spike was staring back with a terrifying expression. He might be a _baby _dragon, but he was still a bloody predator, and his time with the cats gave him a taste for meat. When I looked into his eyes now, I saw more of a dangerous glint in them. It looked less like he was going to talk to someone and more like he was going to hunt them down and make them a little snack.

I was so proud.

Now because that seems perhaps cruel, let me put this in perspective for you. Spike is a motherfucking dragon. A. Dragon. The kings of the mythology of my world. And he is working as a servant for a unicorn. A unicorn is the living embodiment of purity in my world. They only appear for virgins and ha-ha laugh it up at my first pony encounter all you want, it's fucking true. So a dragon out of legends born of blood and fire is a servant to a symbol of weakness and purity. That just seems fucked up to me.

Don't get me wrong: I think it's cool that he's friends with all of the ponies, but it still hardly seems right that he's Twilight's assistant. Maybe I'm just biased from my legends and myths, though; he certainly seemed happy enough, back then.

I shook myself. "Spike, we aren't going to find any affordable food. Let's go find a bloody tailor."

He looked at one young ram. "I don't know, Nav. I see plenty of easy food out there."

I looked at him in disgust. "If you talk about eating something that can talk one more time I'm going to tell Twilight. It's one thing to eat animals aren't sentient or sapient, but when you start eating things that think, there's a problem."

He looked up to me in shock. "How do you know what we were eating in Egypt wasn't… one of those words you used?"

I shrugged. "I didn't kill it and I would have starved if I didn't eat it. I would never willingly kill and eat something that is smart enough to communicate with me. Ignorance, however, is bliss. Now let's stop talking about this before one of these damn sheep calls the guards." He sighed as I put him back on my back. "Now you know how I've felt all this time," I said as a means of consolation. He didn't answer.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find a tailor willing to accommodate me. I talked to most of the damn tailors in the city, too. The most frequent answer I heard was a gentle no. A few of them let their eyes flick to Spike before saying no. I tried leaving him outside once to see if the result was different, and it wasn't.

So four hours later we began making our way back to the castle.

"What was the point of that, Nav?" Spike asked as we trudged our way up the stairs of an inn, a sheep shaking in fear leading the way ahead of us.

"It got us away from Twilight and Celestia for a few hours," I sadly answered.

"You never did say why you were avoiding her."

I didn't know which her he meant. "I don't want to talk to Celestia and Twilight was being a bitch." I think Spike smiled at that, but he was behind me so I couldn't tell.

The sheep turned to look at me. "Y-y-you know the p-p-p-princess?" he squeaked.

"Yeah, we both do," I answered. "She's my boss and she's his boss's boss. Pretty nice lady, for the most part."

I thought the sheep was terrified before. Now he was barely able to stand.

Spike looked at him with a smile before turning his gaze back to me. "If he has a heart attack, can I… You know?"

"No, I'm pretty sure that would be a bad idea," I answered. "Now stop it."

Thankfully, we reached the door leading to the roof. The sheep did everything he could but shove us out to get us outside, and he slammed the door behind us. I looked out over the city and sighed. "This world sucks, Spike," I finally said.

He snorted. "Better than the one you left behind," he answered. That was a lot more sagely than anything I would have expected from him.

I didn't have an answer, so I just picked him up and jumped off the roof, letting my wings carry us back to the palace.

Thankfully, my window was still open. It was a lot easier to jump out of than it was to land in, but I managed it with a liberal dose of cursing and climbing. There was a note on my pillow. I set Spike down and checked it.

'I'm letting you get away with this because of what you went through. If you ever do it again, I will not let you get two meters before bringing you back—and if you don't have a good excuse, you better be kneeling. Meet me in the throne room when you are ready to stop sulking – C'

About what I expected, all things considered. I showed it to Spike. He read it quickly and shrugged. "Are you really surprised?" he asked.

"Nope. I'm just glad I'm too useful to her to be punished too severely." I paused for a moment. "I wonder why she's in the throne room. Isn't she supposed to be fixing the weather or something?"

Spike shrugged. "Twilight told me that today is an off day. She was in one of her moods because Princess Celestia refuses to let her work on this day of the week. The sheep believe it has some special significance or something."

Well, we _are _in Israel. Lamb of God and all that.

"You won't hear me complaining," I said. "Do you think I'm ready to stop sulking? I feel like sulking some more, but I don't know if Celestia would really let me."

He rolled his eyes and pointed at the door. I gave a small sigh and snapped my fingers in disappointment.

"Well, she didn't say I couldn't bring an arbitrator," I said. "And I have no idea where the throne room is. You want to sit in on a meeting between Celestia and the foreign ambassador of the humans?"

"Not really," he sighed. "But I also don't feel like going back to Twilight."

I pulled out one of my coins. "Heads for Twilight, tai—Wait." I looked at the coin. One side had the sun and the other side had the moon. "For fuck's sake! Sun for Celestia, moon for Twilight." I flipped it and let it fly for a moment before snatching it out of the air. He watched it with his purple eyes. "Now, when it was in the air which side did you want it to land on?"

He blinked. "The sun," he finally said. I opened my hand to see the moon facing up.

I smiled down at him. "That's how you tell what you really want to do. And now that you know the trick, I can tell you that it only works until you know it. Lead the way," I finished with a wave of my arm.

He took the lead, shaking his head in confusion. It didn't take us long to get there, and we passed increasing numbers of guards and servants on the way. When we got to the entrance to the throne room, I expected to be patted down for weapons. I was kind of surprised when they let us right in. Then I remembered that this was Celestia. She was pretty much the sun goddess, and an incredibly powerful mage. Sure, a knife can cut her down—but good luck using it on her.

Spike and I walked down the long carpet leading up to Celestia, sitting in her throne and attended by a mix of sheep and ponies. When we got to within the appropriate distance expected of a visitor of royalty, we stopped. Spike stood at my side, looking around. I stood at a general at-ease position, looking at Celestia's servants.

One of them, a sheep in what looked like dyed wool clothing, glared at me. "Are you not going to bow, creature?" she asked harshly. "This is your Princess!"

I looked at Celestia to see if she would speak up. She seemed content to watch with that little smile she always wears. I looked back at the sheep. "I make no obeisance to any living thing, sheep. Celestia—" All the sheep in the room flinched when I said her name. "—has earned my respect, but I do not bow."

The sheep I was speaking to gave me a look of hate for that, and I'm pretty sure if she was a guy she would have challenged me to some manner of duel. She opened her mouth again but Celestia cut her off, "I don't suppose you would think to ask _why _he doesn't bow, would you?"

The sheep changed what she was going to say and instead hissed out, "Why, creature?"

I smiled darkly. "Where I came from, we killed our kings and queens—and princes and princesses—when they decided they wanted more power than was appropriate. I've lived in a nation without a monarch all of my life. Royal blood sheds just as easily as commoner blood, so there's no reason to respect it more. I respect Celestia for being wise and kind, but the title of princess means nothing to me."

Most of the people in that room were quite shocked at that. I think the only ones that weren't were me and Celestia. Even Spike was a little off-put—I don't think he ever knew why I was so callous.

"Enough about me," I said, waking everyone from their reverie of horror. "I believe I was called here for a reason."

Celestia was still wearing her little smile. "I was going to do this in a more private area, but since you disappeared on me, I suppose we'll have to do it here. Remove your shirt, Navarone," she said.

The looks of horror moved to her now instead of me. I smirked and took it off. I knew she was trying to shame me, but I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of blushing. I looked at the guards. "Come now, soldiers: If she wanted to seduce me, she knows where I sleep. She just wishes to rid me of a nasty blight."

They turned and saw the tattoo on me. Those that weren't blushing before were now. This day was turning out to be very odd for them. Celestia beckoned me closer and I came forward. She reached her horn out and gently pressed it on the area with the horrid thing. It was slowly ripped out of my skin, the ink collecting around her horn. When it was all pulled out, she pushed the ink into a blob and pulled a bottle of ink over from a small writing table and let the ink flow into it. I backed away and put my shirt on.

"Painless, as I promised," Celestia said.

"My method would have been faster," I replied, stroking a hand over the handle of the dagger in my belt. "Still, a tattoo removal back where I came from would cost me quite a bit. Thank you."

Her little smile deepened a bit. "No pony said this was to be free, Navarone," she said. "You should know to ask for prices before receiving a service."

I shrugged. "Whatever the price is, I've been through worse. Being brutally raped every night for two weeks at the hand of a very sadistic cat bitch gives a man perspective when it comes to high prices."

She flinched slightly at the mention of that, and I knew I would hear words from Spike on that later. Celestia's smile never wavered, though. "My price will not be that steep, I believe. Unless, of course, you consider dinner to be a terrifying ordeal."

"Dinner would be nice," I answered. "I know Spike, at least, has been hungry. Unless," I said with a raised eyebrow and a smile of my own, "you meant this to be more of a private affair?"

"There will be others there, of course," she said. Man, Celestia is really good at this—nothing I say will trip her up! Though, she's also had a few thousand years of experience. "If, however, you _are _interested in a more private meal, I'm sure something can be arranged…"

She almost tripped me up there. But… "I'm afraid I'll have to decline, Celestia," I said with a weary shake of my head. "I have someone waiting for me back home, and I fear she would be most displeased with me if she found I was cavorting with another—by choice, that is." I think 'displeased' might be an understatement of what Luna would be if she found I was trying things with her sister.

Her smile dropped and her eyes narrowed. "Remember that the next time you stoop to flirting with the maids."

I sniffed. "Sheep are uglier than ponies. I wasn't flirting, I was asking for clothes. It's hardly my fault if she had a flight of youthful naiveté and misconstrued it." I think I insulted pretty much every female in the room with that statement. I was okay with that. Either way, I'm pretty sure Celestia knew what I did to the poor chick, even though I honestly don't consider that flirting.

She was giving me the Princess look. If I didn't know better I would think she was going to summon an executioner. "Don't discuss your adventures with Twilight—or anypony else—until we have a talk in private, Navarone," she finally said. "You are both dismissed."

I nodded and turned to go. Spike followed me out of the throne room. "That went well," I said as the doors shut behind us.

He looked up at me in fear. "Well?" he croaked. "You're lucky she didn't banish you!"

I wanted to ruffle his hair, but he didn't have any. "I'm too useful to be banished," I finally said. "I'll manage it someday, but I think that for now she needs me." The guards at the door didn't look that happy about that statement, but I also didn't care. We moved down the halls a ways and I asked, "Where to now?"

He sighed.

I said, "I know you don't want to, but sooner or later you're going to have to see her. You are still Twilight's assistant, even if she is being annoying right now. After Celestia has her little talk with me, I'll have a talk with Twilight and things might get better. Until then, though, you're going to have to put up with her. If nothing else, I'll be there as a buffer for you."

"I don't know, Nav…"

"Look, if I have to deal with Celestia breathing down my neck after the _hell _I went through for her, you can deal with Twilight being annoying after the 'adventure' you had."

He turned and started down the hall. I followed. After a moment, he spoke up, "It's not just that, Nav. She's… Well, the only caretaker I've ever known, really. But she didn't tell me so much about myself! I never even knew I could eat meat! I never knew the desert climate felt so good. I never knew being around warlike ponies would feel so natural. What else could she be hiding from me, Nav?"

"I don't know, Spike. Remind me to tell you the legends _my _people have about dragons one day. In my world, dragons of legend are warlike and powerful, often raiding villages and the like for food and riches. They are usually considered evil, but there are some notable exceptions. And of course there are some noble dragons as well. We have all manner of stuff on them back where I come from. We also have plenty of legends on unicorns and pegasi, and I know most of it doesn't fit, so take what I tell you of dragons with a grain of salt."

He sighed again. "Maybe there are books back home that can tell me more."

"Dude, maybe there are books _here _that can tell you more. You never know until you start searching."

He looked up at me, hope in his eyes. "Can you help me look?"

"If I have time, yeah. I don't know what Celestia is going to be having me doing. I'm sure Twilight would help you as well, if you told her why you were looking."

He shook his head. "You think she'll help me find information that she's been hiding from me? If anything, she'll go straight to the correct books, pretend to look through them, and then discard them while telling me they're useless!"

"That's assuming she's actually hiding this from you and isn't just ignorant. I mean, I can't imagine too many ponies would be willing to try to interview a dragon. There might not be much information on you guys."

"Maybe I'll have to find out some other way… Still, it doesn't hurt to look."

We were silent for a moment. He hesitantly asked, "So what do your legends say about… girl dragons?"

"Mostly nothing," I answered. "Or at least, nothing that I know of. A lot of stories have male dragons kidnapping princesses and the like, but the reason is usually because she's considered beautiful and a treasure worth having, and the dragon covets her for that reason. A few legends have female dragons falling in love with male humans, but again the reasoning is rarely explained. In the few legends there are of them, females are often described as graceful and beautiful and very, very deadly. I don't know anything else."

The rest of the walk to Twilight's room was in silence. When we got there, though… "Where have you two been?" Twilight demanded in an angry tone.

Spike and I looked at her. I turned to him. "Wait outside for a moment." He left without a word. Twilight stared daggers at me. When the door clicked closed, I turned to her. "Are you in heat?"

Her eyes softened and she gave a bright red blush. "That's personal!"

I nodded slowly. "That explains a lot." It did, actually. I thought back over all the little episodes of insanity she went through often, and many of them coincided with what her estrus cycle probably was. Back in my world, ponies and horses go through a period of Estrus, where all mares become able to have children and release a pheromone that tells the stallions that they're ready for rutting. Here, though, estrus isn't synchronized and is instead more like a human girl's period, with a whole lot more horniness. "I think Spike will be staying with me for a few days while you deal with this. We just got back from some seriously trying times, and I don't think it would be a good idea for him to be around a considerably more volatile you."

She was still blushing heavily, but she whispered, "That would be… best." At least she had an excuse for her bitchiness. I nodded and turned to go. "Nav, wait…" I turned back to her. It looked like she really wanted to say something, but after a moment she seemed to deflate. "Don't tell anypony about this, please."

"Don't worry, Twilight. I know how to be discrete when I need to be. If anyone asks, just tell them Spike has been hanging around me for so long he wants to keep doing so."

She gave a hesitant nod. "One more thing," she said suddenly, as though just thinking of it. "Here's your bag." She used her magic to throw my bag of clothes from Equestria at me. I checked it. Most of the clothes I had brought were in there. They were all way, way too big on me now, but they were still better than wearing the same damn thing every day.

I nodded at her. "Thanks, Twilight." She smiled. I turned and left the room. I found Spike looking around innocently. I knew he had been listening at the door. Still, I had to pretend. "You're going to be staying with me for a few days," I told him as I pulled the door shut behind me. "Just until we think you're more acclimatized to things here." We started walking back to my room.

He shrugged. "I'm okay with that. I'm more used to sleeping on a bed anyway, now."

"If you're going to be sleeping in that bed, it'll be because I'm next to you; I'm not sleeping on the floor just so you can have the bed to yourself."

"I know you're used to sharing a bed anyway," he said. My eyes shot down at him in surprise, which quickly turned to anger, which melted to ambivalence when I realized he didn't mean anything by that. "I don't know what happened to your other bed, but I know you ended up having to sleep next to Kat." Well, that was sort of true; we didn't do too much sleeping. He continued, "I just hope you don't have too many more nightmares." He shuddered slightly. "I heard you screaming, one night."

I nodded. "I'm glad you're innocent, Spike."

He looked up at me as though remembering something. "Nav, what does… rape mean?"

I sighed. "Don't worry about it. And don't ask anyone else. Pretend you never even heard it."

"Okay… So what was that on your shoulder?"

I unconsciously rubbed at the spot where the filthy thing was. "Just a bad memory, is all. Don't worry about it either, and don't tell anyone you saw it."

"Nav, why are you hiding things from me?"

"You'll feel bad if I tell you," I cautioned.

"I'd rather feel bad than not know."

"Because what was done to me was the worst crime possible for one living thing to commit against another, and you don't need to know about that." He stopped walking. I kept going.

After a moment he caught up. "And you're just… okay with that?" he said in a quiet voice.

"Nope. I'm pretty sure my mind is still in shock. After what I went through and the things I did, I'll probably never have a comfortable night's sleep again and there's a decent chance I'll have flashbacks forever."

"Then why did you…" He stopped again, probably getting it. "This is all my fault!"

"Did I say that?" I asked, stopping and turning to him. He looked down, unable to meet my blank gaze. "Don't put words in my mouth, Spike. It wasn't your fault. It was the fault of those that used you. Never blame yourself for something you have no control over, and never blame someone else for something they have no control over."

He still couldn't look up.

"Now you know why I didn't want to tell you," I said. He didn't move. I walked up to him, picked him up, put him over my shoulders, and continued the walk to my room.

Over the next few days, I got more clothes, Twilight's estrus cycle slowly petered out, Spike stopped staying with me, and I didn't see Celestia again.

I'm pretty sure Celestia sent messages out to all the tailors in the city to refuse me service, though I'm not certain why. My first guess was so that she could keep me dependent on her; after everything I went through, she wanted to make sure I knew I had nowhere else to go.

I threw that idea out, because Celestia isn't a bitch and she has shown me mostly nothing but kindness. I know her mind is probably really cold and calculating, but for the most part I believe she does what she does out of kindness.

My second idea was that she just didn't want me to waste money. But since the only money I had was given to me by her… I threw that idea out too.

The third idea was that she didn't want me outside of the palace, in which case she pretty much fucked up big time, since Spike and I left often in those days.

I don't really suppose it matters. Either way I got more clothes and they were all free and relatively well-fitting, despite my shrunken frame. And since Celestia never came by to talk, I never got to ask her why. And that's assuming she actually was the one that sent the message out, or if there was a message at all. It might all have been a figment of my paranoia.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, the dinner went well. I was celebrated as some manner of Equestrian hero or something and the 'true' fight to save the area was officially begun. Namely, getting food and rain to the people that needed it. That wasn't my problem or my field of expertise, but I knew I'd probably still end up busy because of it.

Don't get me wrong: Celestia and Twilight hadn't been idle in the month I was away. Twilight was doing all manner of research into crop productions and whatnot, who needed what and where and when and all that crap. Whenever she brought that up to me I told her to either shut up or to change the topic. Celestia was apparently sending shitloads—well, Twilight told me the actual unit of measurement, but I didn't think it was worth remembering—of magic into the atmosphere to summon enough water to send everywhere it was needed. I don't know why they didn't just use the ocean, but I don't think this world has evaporation.

No, I don't know how rain is created in places where there are no ponies. Look, even _I _realize that there are some things that just are never going to make sense to me. Laws of reality are more like suggestions around here. I mean, gravity? Fuck that, I'm human with wings that can fly. No way that shit should work. Maybe one day I'll just start saying 'because magic.'

Anyway, they were doing all that while I was in Egypt. They finished their stuff around the time I was nearing the end of my labors. With the border secure, the way was clear to begin the true work.

A day after Spike left, I got a visit from Shining Armor. I was in my room trying to figure out a way to drown my memories without booze when he opened the door with no preamble and just stared at me.

"Can I help you?" I asked, tightly gripping the dagger I had been considering cu—well, that's not important.

"Tell me about your… relationship… with my sister, human," he demanded.

I gave him a dead look with my bloodshot eyes. "She's a friend," I said, giving him no emotion in my voice. That said, I dropped my gaze back down to the dagger, expecting him to leave.

"Is that all you see her as?" he asked, a bit of… concern, perhaps, in his voice.

I looked back up, surprised he was still there. "Yes. What did you think I saw her as? A… special somepony, I believe you people call it?" I snorted. "That would be a match made in hell."

He shifted his stance a bit. "You live with her," he commented.

"I have nowhere else to go and I like living in a library among books. She is a decent enough roommate, if occasionally demanding. I help as I can and stay out of the way when I can't. We are friends and nothing more." I looked back down to the knife.

"And if she wanted more?" he asked.

"I would find somewhere else to live," I answered without looking back up.

"Look at me." I looked up at him again. "Do you know why I am a captain of the royal guard?"

I shrugged. "You probably know how to kick ass the best. Or you're smarter than the other rabble that is typically let into the guard. One or the other."

"I can fight well, yes. But it was my magic that really got me the position." Why do earth ponies even bother? Seriously, I've yet to see a single one other than the mayor of Ponyville in any manner of power. Even Applejack got showed up by Twilight in Applejack's special talent—while Applejack can kick a tree and make apples rain down, Twilight can take an entire orchard of apples in one go in the same amount of time.

"Congratulations," I drily answered. He growled lightly but before he could say anything I just said, "I am not going to date your sister. I do not _want _to date your sister. I don't know how I can make that any clearer."

He sighed. "You really aren't making this easy on me." I blinked, and then it all became a clear to me. He was probably sent here by either Twilight or Celestia to try to befriend me.

"Who sent you?" I asked.

He gave a sheepish smile. "Twily—Er, Twilight. She thinks you're in a bad mood or that you're not telling her something or something like that. She sent me to find out what and why."

"The what can't be told. The why is that Celestia told me not to. Some things shouldn't be heard by the ears of those that are still innocent—or any ears at all, really. And if she thinks I am in a bad mood, well after what I went through I think it might be a bit justified." I stood, sheathed my dagger, and walked to the window. I put my hands on the sill, leaning and watching the city.

After a moment, he finally asked, "Well, what did you go through?"

"I'm not allowed to talk about it," I answered without turning. "Nor do I particularly want to. There are a small number of people I would like to discuss it with. One of them is currently ignoring me. The others are… inaccessible." I don't think I ever missed my family as much as I did in that small period of time.

"As much as Twilight seems to like you, I think you can trust her," he said.

"I _can _trust her, but this isn't something to burden her with. Besides, as I said, I can't tell her yet anyway."

"You do know the princess holds court every day, right? You could talk to her any day."

_You're not that smart, are you? _"If she orders me to not talk about something, I do not think she would appreciate me talking about something in front of all of her guards and the courtiers that surround her. I believe it would be best to wait for her to come to me, so I know she is ready to discuss it."

He was about to respond when my door slammed open. Before the sound finished reverberating across the room, one of my knives was already on its way to the person standing in the open door. It stopped an inch in front of Twilight's nose, hanging in a pale blue aura. It dropped after a moment.

I turned back to the window. "Knock next time," I said, leaning back to my original position.

"You… you almost killed her!" Shining Armor said, more than a little shocked.

"Reflex," I answered, not looking at either of them. I _did _almost kill her, though. That was not a good thing.

"It's… it's alright, brother," Twilight whispered.

"No, it's not," Shining Armor and I both said at the same time. I turned to them. "I am not used to being around ponies anymore," I said. "Twilight, you are going to safe-guard my weapons until I am. I will not risk hurting any of you." I pulled the knife off my belt and let it hit the floor. I pulled my shirt off and unbuckled the two belts of throwing knives I had on me and let them hit the floor as well. As an afterthought, I went over to one of the drawers in my room and pulled out another dagger and threw that on the little pile.

"Nav, this is… unnecessary. It was just one incident!" Twilight said.

"One incident that almost killed you, Twily!" Shining Armor answered.

"He's right," I said. "I should be safe here. I do not need these weapons, so I will not have them until I stop jumping at shadows." And given what I was thinking about doing before Shining Armor walked in, I probably didn't need them around for my own sake.

"In that case… Aren't you forgetting one?"

I flinched slightly. With a sigh, I pulled the crossbow off the little sling I had on my bedpost for it and added it to the pile. "Just keep them all safe," I said. "Those things took me through a lot, and I have a depressing feeling that I'll need them again."

"Don't worry Nav. They'll be fine." There was a lull in the conversation as I walked back over to the window. "So what were you two talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," Shining Armor answered. He was a terrible liar.

"We were discussing how you sent your brother to try to get me to talk about something I have been disallowed from discussing," I said.

I heard a bit of nervous laughter from behind me, coming from two sources.

Twilight said, "It's just… You seemed so upset the few times I've seen you since you got back. And since we haven't been able to talk easily… I just want to know what's wrong."

I turned to face them again. "I understand," I said. "And it is a noble cause. However, I ask that you stop; I am not supposed to discuss it. Celestia's orders," I finished with a shrug. If Celestia's name didn't get Twilight to stop, nothing would.

And it worked. Her face dropped a bit and turned slightly red. "I didn't realize," she stammered.

"Considering I almost just killed you, I think it's fair that I tell you to stop worrying about it," I said with another shrug.

She frowned slightly. "How _did _you react that quickly, though? Both of you, at that! The knife would have hit me before I even realized it, and you stopped it dead in its tracks!" That last was directed at her brother.

"As I said: reflex," I answered. "It's something I picked up in Egypt."

"And I just saw you in danger and acted," her brother said. I almost smiled at the imagery there. Death and life fighting over a soul, the moves to the dance they fight so deeply ingrained that they come naturally, quick as lightning.

Instead, I just said, "It's amazing what people can do in times of stress. You'll have to wait a while to test my reaction speeds, though; I think we might be busy for a while in the coming months."

"We'll have _some _off time, Nav! Princess Celestia isn't so cruel as to make us work every day like that."

"I don't know what you do in your off days, Twilight, but I don't do experiments on mine," I said.

"He's right, Twily. You need to lighten up. I thought you were getting better!"

She blushed lightly. "Always looking out for your little sister," she said with a smile. I turned back to the window so they couldn't see my facial expressions, or how close I came to crying when she said that. Seeing them together like that brought home some things I thought I had long ago dealt with. _I'll never see them again._

I wasn't in the mood to deal with that shit right then. "I'll be back when I'm back," I said right before I jumped out the window._ I run from my problems way too much_. I flew up into the sky and found a nice sized cloud to lie on. There were more and more of them, what with all the magic Celestia was using to make them.

I sighed as I finally got to lie on my back again. It was a nice feeling. It's a shame I had to ruin it by thinking.

It was a week after I got back that Celestia deigned to visit me again. I know I shouldn't say it like that, because I know she's a very busy lady, but still.

Anyway, I was chilling in the palace library, helping Spike go through all manner of books looking for anything about dragons. We were finding nothing. There was plenty of stuff about how dragons are mysterious and dangerous and whatnot, but nothing concrete.

Celestia walked in completely unannounced and stood watching us for some time. It took a while for us to notice her. I was back in the stacks, looking for anything related to dragons. It was a hellish search, given that there was practically no organizational system. Spike was up front, going through everything I had found for him.

I was walking back up front with a few more books for him. "I'm telling you man, this place is terrible." I saw Celestia and kept walking to Spike, who was darting looks between me and her. "It has less organization than Twilight's library before I got there. I got what I could, but I wouldn't expect too much more, and I don't think I'd expect much from what we have."

"Does Twilight have you working on a special project?" Celestia asked with her little smile.

"Nope," I answered.

She waited for more, but I wasn't going to give her anything; if Twilight _was _hiding stuff from Spike, she was probably doing it because Celestia told her to. "I think we need to have a talk, Navarone," Celestia finally said.

"What about?" I asked, wiping my dusty hands on my shorts.

"You're too smart to play dumb," she replied. "Come along. Let's not bother Spike's search." She turned and I followed her out of the library. We walked in silence to my room.

When we got there, she stepped inside and looked around a bit. The room was pretty much immaculate, since I don't tend to make messes or collect random crap. I walked over to the open window and leaned back against the windowsill, letting my wings taste the open air. If I had to, I could fall back and escape just long enough for her to magic me back.

Well, when I put it like that…

She was looking at me with her haunting eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, Navarone? I could have helped you."

"They screened my letters. Now please, I really don't want to talk about this."

Her gaze hardened. "I have never mentioned this before, but there is a spell that gives a unicorn complete access to another's mind. You can either give me the answers to the questions I ask or I will force them from you."

"If you use that spell on me I. Will. Kill. You. I don't care what repercussions it will have on this world. I don't care if I don't survive the act. You will cease to live if you ever do that to me. The same goes for anyone else that does it to me."

"Then don't make it necessary. What did she do to you?"

I went through the list. It was… painful to talk about. Painful to relive as I thought about it.

"How did you even survive?" she asked, horrified.

"They sometimes gave me painkillers. Sometimes they put something on my cuts. I still think I should be dead. And I also think my mind should be broken after what happened. Killing, rape, violence, all that fun stuff." I shrugged. "Such is life."

She shook her head. "No, Nav. That's not life. That's just terrible." She sighed. "Don't tell any of my little ponies what Kat did to you. You are free to tell them anything else you think they're capable of hearing. If you ever need to talk, come to me and I will make time for you."

I nodded slowly. "I might do that." I was never planning on doing that. I know she was nice and all, but I still felt intimidated by the fact that she could crush my head like a grape without noticing.

"You don't have to be afraid of me, Nav," she said. Great, and now she can read minds.

"I know," is all I said.

She gave me a sad smile. "Then why are you?"

"Because you are dangerous and I know what you're capable of."

"But you also know I would never do any of it to you."

"Unless you thought it was funny, like what you did to me at the Gala. Or if you thought it was necessary, like what you threatened to do to me a few minutes ago. You are unpredictable and I know what you are capable of, so I think it might be in my best interest to keep a healthy amount of fear."

Her little smile returned. "But not enough fear to disrespect me in front of my servants and guards?"

"Consider that my way of testing the waters. Either way, I want to trust you, but you are making it somewhat hard. Your magic and your power both make it very hard for me to trust you, and your actions and words don't help either."

She raised an eyebrow. "I knew you feared magic, but is your fear of it so deep that it won't allow you to trust somepony that has never made a move to harm you?"

"Yes. You have a power over me that I can't do anything about. Even knowing that you _might _use it is bad enough for me. I don't think you will unless I do something to deserve it, but that doesn't change the fact that you can."

"Maybe one day you'll learn," she said, her voice rather morose. There was nothing I could say to that, not really. She left, going back to wherever she goes. After a little while of sitting and thinking, I went and rejoined Spike.

We didn't find anything.

Of course, we weren't quite able to go home yet; there was still the matter of food distribution and dealing with the drought. But that was boring as piss. Like, that was the most boring thing I have ever done in my life.

Basically, I went out with Twilight and a team of observers every few days to see the effects the rain Celestia was producing was having, if any.

We did that for six months. Not once was I actually needed to protect them. Sometimes I defused odd situations, but nothing worth writing down.

So six months later we went back home. All in all, about eight months had passed since we left. We left for home in September, so I had been in Pony world for about two years. It took us a month after leaving to get back, due to a lot of stops for royal visits.

We definitely missed the Gala, which was instead hosted by Princess Luna. I heard she did reasonably well for herself. All of Twilight's friends were invited and did attend, though they all reported when we got back that no Z appeared.

Twilight, Spike, and I stopped a few days in Canterlot. I couldn't avoid meeting Luna; after almost a year of being alone in the palace, she forged some contacts with the servants. Not a day after we returned, I had an invitation to meet with Princess Luna at my earliest convenience.

A royal invitation. That said 'at my earliest convenience.'

I didn't even change, just went in my desert clothes that I had gotten used to wearing; they were comfortable even in the chill of October, and they concealed my body well enough. And it helped prove a point: I was there, you were not. I did things in my life you had no say in. I didn't think she would pick up on that, but whatever.

With the invitation in hand, I had no trouble getting into the palace. Getting to Luna was a problem, though; she had a fucking Death Corps guard squad around her with two standing orders: Protect Luna, and don't let me be alone with her. Personally, I had no desire to be alone with her. But I didn't know her position on the matter, or what she had in mind.

And if I had known, I would have pretended to have never gotten the invite.

When we first got together in a lounge-type room, it went well enough. She was polite but distant, as a princess should be. It was basically a debrief on some of my time in Africa, and after. I won't explain what I said, because it's all detailed before. I didn't lie, though I didn't mention some things.

She was even nice enough to send for some minor refreshments. Servants brought in drinks and fruit and set them on the table. She was drinking some manner of juice or something and I had… a purple bubbling drink. _What the fuck?_

"Luna, what is this?" I asked, holding it up.

She looked at it. "Oh, that's a special concoction I asked the staff to prepare for you. It's an old brew that was popular with ponies back in my day. I never was a fan of it, but most of them were."

"Why is it bubbling?"

She shrugged. "Something to do with the process of making it, I suppose. There's magic involved."

I looked closer at it. "Wait, are those… _hearts_?" A purple drink that had bubbling hearts. What the hell?

She nodded. "They are. Another odd property of the drink. It's quite safe to drink."

I looked at it for a bit longer.

"Don't you trust me?" she finally asked, batting her pretty cyan eyes at me.

I looked up at her for a moment and then back down to the drink. _I've done stranger._ I shrugged and downed it.

I immediately started coughing. I couldn't help it, whatever was in that damn drink felt like it was trying to beat the shit out of my body from the inside. I ended up on my hands and knees on the floor, Luna looking on with concern.

When I couldn't cough any more, the purple stuff shot out of my mouth and flowed back into the glass. Like, I was on the floor and the glass was on the table but it went from my mouth to the glass. I don't know how.

I managed a sort of kneeling position. "At least we have similar tastes," I croaked. She was looking at the glass of purple stuff in astonishment. I shifted my gaze that way and saw that the stuff was now inky black. The bubbles were spitting up oily skulls. _Badass_.

"That… wasn't supposed to happen," Luna whispered.

I pulled myself to my feet and sat down again. "What _was _supposed to happen?" I asked, my voice feeling a little bit better.

She blinked and turned to me, blushing. "It was supposed to taste good," she answered. "I… I have _never _seen it do that before!"

I poked the glass. "So what is this stuff? Whatever it was before looked like a love potion or something. Now it looks like a hate potion." Or poison.

Her horn glowed for a moment and a drop of the liquid jerked into the air. She looked it over. After a moment it slowly turned purple. It dropped back into the glass with a quiet sizzle as the entire glass turned purple again. She nodded with a smile. "It was aligned with hate," she said. "But love conquers all." She beamed at me and I put on a poker face smile in return. No wonder my body rejected it.

With the little snack done, she took me on a walk through the garden, which wasn't that odd by itself. But she asked that I keep a hand on her at all times. I wasn't wearing the head piece or the cape to my suit at the time, but I did have the gloves of it on. When she saw that, she asked me to take them off. I did, with a frown on my face.

The guards, too, were getting a bit concerned, but didn't do anything. When I did as she asked, she smiled, and we continued our walk and our talk. She wanted more details on Africa, of course. More than "I fought for a cause that I didn't belong to. I killed, I murdered, and I saved. I did things I didn't want to for people I didn't like against a people I didn't know. It was not the best time in my life, and it's not particularly something I want to do again."

She wanted stories of heroism, dashing tales of a wounded hero staving off masses of enemy soldiers while his troops escaped, to fall back himself only when the last of his men were gone, of someone risking everything to save a single slave child.

I didn't have any of those stories. I personally watched a slave child get cut down by a guard as the child was running. I could have gotten in the way of the blow to save the child, but I was worth more alive than that child was, to me and to the movement. I could turn myself into a martyr, but I'd rather live long enough to be hated than to be remembered as a hero after an early death.

I didn't tell her that story, though—more fool me, I suppose. I stuck to heroics done by other people, of which there were a few stories to tell. Miguel, as it happened, came upon a group of guards attacking some of our camp followers that strayed too far from the main group. Without pausing a second, he jumped into the mass of guards to buy our people time to escape. I think he was doing it because he was a murderous psychopath that took any excuse he could get to kill rather than to save lives, but the effect was the same. Either way, he was venerated as a hero for that.

And Rock… God, Rock was an absolute monster in that last attack, I heard. When the assassins failed to keep the gate open, he personally led a sortie against it, wielding a massive hammer. He dealt blow after blow to the iron-reinforced gates, and eventually somehow forced a hole into gate large enough for his men to pass through to open it from the other side. After that, he systematically slaughtered over thirty-five enemy troops himself, and led the squad that killed over one hundred. He was wounded doing that, but didn't let it slow him down until the fight in the city was over.

But all my attempts to pass any heroism off my back were met by gentle rebukes, calling me humble. I was tempted to tell her about the naga attack, but she probably would have found a good way to spin that, too. That actually tempted me to tell her even more, as I still couldn't figure out a good way to spin that in my mind.

We were starting our second circuit around the garden. The guards were still watching us with a small amount of concern. I felt their horror. I had a bad feeling.

"Tell me," she finally asked, "what is the most beautiful thing you've seen?"

Trap question. "The most beautiful location, you mean?"

A smile, followed by "Yes."

"There was a cave I found when I was dealing with a group of naga… it was underground, a massive chamber, half full of water. It was the purest water you could ever find anywhere. In it, fish were chasing one another, some bioluminescent and some blind. On the ceiling were rows and rows of lit torches, each in patterns corresponding to the night sky. At the very bottom of the lake was the naga society. Hundreds of them, living silently underwater, without a care in the world."

She smiled at that description, and said to me, "Close your eyes and don't let go." _Uh oh._

What happened next I don't know how to describe. I went weightless all of a sudden. Every movement felt exaggerated, and like it was about to throw me off the ground. I knew where we were before she even said "Open your eyes."

She brought me to the motherfucking goddamn son of a bloody bitch _moon_!

I croaked out, "How?"

"Magic. As long as you're touching me you'll be fine." I was tempted to test that, but I didn't. I felt… fine. No extra heat, no extra cold, I was able to breathe. The weightless problem was slowly sorting itself out, as Luna's magic coursed itself through me.

And then I caught site of the Earth.

I can't describe it. I won't even try.

After a few minutes of silent staring, I managed, "It's… Why did you bring me here?"

"Because I love you." There wasn't much to say to that, so I just hugged her.

And that's all we did. She was a pony, I was a human. So get your mind out of the gutter.

"You know, Celestia is not going to be happy about this. And I'm pretty sure it violates both parts of the agreement with Zecora," I finally told her.

"It was worth it," was her response.

I want to say that nothing bad came from that, but Celestia was more than not happy. She was pretty much about as mad as I've ever seen her. At me and at Luna, though Luna didn't get any of the wrath.

No, for some reason that was reserved for me. Because I should have taken the invitation directly to Celestia as soon as I got it, so she could be there when we met.

So instead of getting mad at the guards for not informing her, the servants for actually delivering the note, or Luna for breaking both parts of Zecora's pronouncement, I got yelled at for half an hour. And here's the kicker: She did it in that same fucking sitting room.

I didn't even bother trying to defend myself. She didn't want to hear it.

I was starting to think that Celestia needed a break.

Of course, when Twilight's friends heard we were back on the continent, they were pretty much ecstatic. I imagined Pinkie Pie had a party planned out perfectly for when we got back. I was somewhat surprised they even waited for us to get to Ponyville; I was kind of expecting Rainbow Dash, if no one else, to come flying out to see us. Her, because she was the fastest one and could make it easily enough.

None did, though. I was okay with that; after that long away from home, we really wanted some time to sleep on a bed that, if not perfectly familiar, was at least not moving and not completely stifling.

We stayed in Canterlot for about three days, and finally returned to Ponyville in October.

Yeah, there was a party. It was—for one of Pinkie Pie's parties—completely badass, though I was very, very disappointed in Applejack for letting it get that way.

Oh yeah. We got all of Ponyville completely and totally motherfucking trashed. It was hilarious. The mayor had to declare the following day a holiday because everyone was so hung over.

That alone almost made the Africa campaign worth it.

The next day was hell, so I'll skip it.

Still, shit was so cash.

The day after that, Twilight had to spend all day fixing magical mistakes some of the unicorns did when they got trashed. Nothing major, but one of the buildings turned into a Flintstone-esque place. We never did figure that one out; she just shook her head and fixed it.

The day after that, though, all three of us travelers were basically kidnapped by her friends and forced to tell tales of what we did. Spike and I got the most attention because of the now-famous Africa campaign; all Twilight had to do was mention water growth tables and they zoned her out.

I told them what I told Luna and they had similar reactions. I told Fluttershy to cover her ears for some of it, since she wasn't a fan of the killing and whatnot. She didn't listen, though; she wanted to hear the tales, killing be damned.

We had all changed a little over the course of that last year. You don't leave people for eight months and expect them to be the same when you return. But whatever. I told my tales, and they asked questions and refused to believe me on some of them and probably invented in their minds the way they would have preferred them to go. In their minds I was probably turned into the Great Liberator of Africa, an illusion I did nothing to foster and actually tried to kill off.

It hardly worked, of course. I was one of the only war heroes Equestria ever had. Even though, you know, I didn't fight with or under any actual ponies, and the only reason I was there at all was because I got trapped by Spike. Though I had a feeling that if he hadn't been there, I would have ended up dead instead.

Though, as more and more estranged ponies from Egypt made their way home, my fame grew. Not all of them knew me personally, as not many ponies were actually in that bar, but despite what I told the fellow there in the bar about keeping my presence a secret, word of what I did spread. Not just the whole 'taking letters' thing, but everything that followed: My part in the exodus, my part in the final battle, and my part with Celestia. Though why they would over-blow up what I did was beyond me; they were closer to the actual events than anyone here, and they were blowing what I did more and more out of proportion than some of these ponies.

It was honestly a bit annoying, though it did mean that the ponies here in Ponyville treated me much nicer than I had been before. I was actually getting included in things, not like I really wanted some of them. Some kids asked for war stories, which I refused to give. They became whispered relics told from friend to friend after or during school, things of pride to have overheard from an adult.

I personally thought it was all silly as hell. Back in my world, someone returning from a battle like that wouldn't have been treated very differently at all. Sure, a few questions would be asked, but you wouldn't even ask a general for his part in the war or for any of his stories.

Anyway, that's enough of my accidental fame.

After our stories were told, we learned some of what the others had been up to in the intervening time.

Applejack was still farming, same as always. Not much different, there.

Rarity had several big contracts from ponies with funny names. Nothing new there either.

Rainbow Dash was still trying to impress the Wonderbolts. Instead of, you know, actually trying out for a position.

Pinkie Pie was still being Pinkie Pie, with all that entailed.

Fluttershy was taking care of animals, as always.

So basically, nothing actually changed about what they were doing, though some of their personalities changed slightly. Rarity seemed less annoying and whiny, which I was happy to see. Fluttershy wasn't as much of a bloody coward, which might have had something to do with such a long proximity to me (even though I'm a coward at heart). Pinkie Pie seemed a bit less insane, but that might have been just because we weren't doing that much right then. Rainbow Dash was less cocksure. Applejack seemed a bit wiser, I thought; her experiences with the still taught her to be more careful, I suppose.

Twilight was probably the least changed of all of us; she wasn't with us in the campaign, though she did see much suffering. I suppose she was more compassionate and more willing to help others, though she had been pretty good about that before.

For a long time, I didn't think Spike was going to fully recover some parts of himself. After seeing some of the stuff in Africa, he was definitely not innocent anymore. And after getting some meat in him, he grew quite a bit. Twilight tried to get him back to a vegetarian diet when we returned to the ponies, but by that time there were enough cats in the Middle East that finding some meat wasn't that hard. Given the results of the trip, I can't complain; compared to the liberation of so many, the innocence of one child means nothing. He got a little better emotionally, among the company of ponies, and I figured he would do better now that we were home.

And as for me? I don't know. I'd like to think I was mostly done with violence; after all, I killed very, very few people for the cats—most of my time was spent planning or freeing others. But I was not guiltless of blood spilt; the man that orders the death is just as responsible as the man that carries the order through. Only time will tell.


	20. Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen—More snake people.

Pinkie Pie pulled Fluttershy and me aside from the main group, using the excuse that we had dance business to talk of. The rest of the group was content to talk with Spike and Twilight at that point, and let us go without much comment.

When she got us alone, she told us the news: "Remember that naga my dad adopted?" When we nodded, she continued, "Well, he has apparently taken a liking to one of the native naga there, and the rest of the naga clan is not very pleased about that. The two lovers have taken asylum with my dad, and the native naga have threatened to kill them both if they leave. We were at a loss about what to do; none of the natives respect our words enough, and we can't safely smuggle the two away. My parents were hoping you could defuse the situation, Navarone, but you weren't here. They've been at a stalemate for over a month."

"I told him we should have just wasted that bastard…" I sighed, combing my fingers through my hair. "What do they want me to do?"

"Help any way you can."

"I just got home, lass. How do you plan to explain this trip to the others? Don't you think it's time we told them?"

"I agree," Fluttershy said. "We shouldn't have ever kept this a secret from them at all."

"You both know how they'll respond. Not to the original situation, but to the new one. Rainbow Dash will immediately rush in to aid the two lovers. Rarity will think of the drama of it and will rush off to watch. Applejack will be right behind Rainbow Dash, though probably for a better reason. Twilight might contact Celestia or she might do the proper thing and try to talk it out. Either way, adding more ponies just throws in more factors that we can't control." Pinkie Pie was definitely, definitely more sane. "Either way, the naga don't respect ponies. And more ponies would be more likely to hurt our chances than help them. I was actually thinking you could go alone, Navarone."

"You'd better have a decent reason for thinking no one would notice if I left."

"You could be visiting one of the ponies you saved from Egypt. Say you received a letter from somepony wanting to meet you and thank you."

"Yes, but that isn't very believable. I don't actually want thanks for what I did."

"I'm not going to force you to do this; I learned my lesson, last time. But we really think you could be helpful."

"Not that I don't want to help, lass, but… The last time I dealt with those naga, I ended up in Africa because of it. Celestia basically blackmailed me to force me to go."

"I'm sure that's not what Princess Celestia was doing, Navarone. Surely you're mistaken," Fluttershy assured me.

"I was there. You weren't. I'll do it, but I won't promise any results, one way or another. Do you want this to end with the lovers winning or with the lovers losing?"

"Why would you even have to ask that?"

"Just making sure. Africa was… a trying time."

Perhaps some of the pain I still carried showed through my face, because they both took me in their front legs in one of the warmest hugs I received in eight months. There's a lot to be said for true friendship. Luna was nice to be around, and Kat was… no, but I felt better in that one moment than I had in a long time.

I waited for Pinkie Pie to send a letter off to her family, to ask them to send a letter to me detailing what they wanted me to do. When that letter arrived, I was able to pretend it was a request to meet me.

When it arrived—dropped off by Derpy Hooves—I left the next day. Convincing the others wasn't that hard. Spike wanted to go, since he "helped me save the ponies, too!" I told him the letter asked for me, and that he was needed here with Twilight. Personally, I think he just wanted to go to try to find some more meat; Twilight had the poor lad back on a vegetarian/gem diet, and he wasn't able to convince Fluttershy to give up any of her friends.

Rarity offered to give me the clothes of a conqueror, to fit my new… status. I declined.

I carried with me the dagger the naga gave me, my crossbow, some bolts, the fire starter, a new brown cloak, and some clothes. My other cloak had been used as bandages or a blanket or something by the cats. Either way, it was gone when I got my stuff back.

When I got to the rock farm, I realized the situation was about as bad as I was expecting: There were naga sentries posted about the building. The ponies were allowed in and out, but I was suspecting the two wayward naga would be killed if they laid a finger outside.

"Navarone, you've returned!" said one of the sentries. "Are you here to finally join the naga?"

"Nay, sadly. I'm here on business."

"You're here to take care of this mess, then? I'm glad someone is doing it, and I'm doubly glad to see that someone is you. We were given orders not to enter this building, but surely you can go in there and kill that bastard and drag the harlot out here."

"I wish I could, but I've been hired to mediate the situation and deal with it peacefully."

"Bah! These ponies… Whenever there should be action they demand words. How they ever took over this world is beyond me."

"They have magic, that's how. And they have a leader that doesn't die."

"Bah. Go in if you want, Navarone. But don't expect this to end peacefully."

I went in.

My reception inside was just as warm. Pinkie Pie's parents were happy to see me, and because I was tired of thinking of them as 'the mother' or 'the dad' I finally bothered asking their names. They were somewhat surprised I didn't already know, but then the father muttered, "Pinkamena…" With that caveat out of the way, I was given their names: Sue and Clyde. Guess which was which.

"I've been told we have a Romeo and Juliet situation here," I announced.

"Romeo and who?" Sue asked.

"It's… never mind. Where are our two errant lovers?"

"Before we let you see them, we have to know: Are you here with violent intents or with peace in your mind?" Clyde asked.

To answer that I took off my knife belt and hung it over Clyde, and hung my crossbow over Sue. "I will hunt peace. If there is not a peaceful solution I will leave."

"You have changed," Sue told me, smiling sadly.

"Africa taught me a lot of things. Not all of them were fun lessons."

With that, they took me to the two.

"I shouldn't be surprised to see you, human, but even after all that has happened I am," the male naga said. "Why would you come to my aid after doing so much to see me dead?"

"Everyone can change. Tell me, why should I help you?"

The female naga looked up. "We are in love."

"You are young, yet. How do you know this is love, and not just hormones? Or more likely, the instinct of rebellion enacted through giving in to lust with an enemy of your tribe?" Clyde and Sue gave me a pained look. The two lovers looked insulted. "I was young once, lad. I yearned to rebel. Everyone does. Sometimes they have a good reason and sometimes they don't. If what you two feel is true love and not just inflamed lust brought on by sticking it to the elders, I will try to help you."

"And how could we even know such a thing? I feel what I think to be love. What other judge is there?"

"Yes, how else are we supposed to know, if not by listening to our feelings? We love each other. What more is there to it?"

I said, "I might not be the best person to ask, but Sue or Clyde can correct me if I'm wrong: Can you imagine yourself spending the rest of your life together? When you aren't apart from each other, can you think of ways to fill the time other than sex or children?"

Clyde chimed in with, "Can you imagine letting her have your children?"

Sue sniffed, but added, "Can you imagine yourself getting so frustrated with each other that you just want to walk away and never come back, but instead stay and work through your problems?

I hit them with the last blow: "If what you're feeling now ever wears off, can you imagine yourselves staying with each other?" I paused for a second and thought, then quoted, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Say what you want about the Bible; it has some good lines.

They thought.

I told them, "Go to different parts of the house. Stay apart for the rest of the day. Think about it."

They looked at each other, then at Clyde and Sue. After nods from the two ponies, they slithered away to different parts of the house.

"What's your game, Navarone?" Clyde asked.

"If I'm going to risk getting attacked by the naga for helping these two, I want it to be for a good bloody reason."

"What do we do while we wait?"

"You two stay up here and answer questions. Keep your daughters away from them; we can't afford to let any nonsense get back into their heads while they're thinking. I'm going to go find the leader of the naga, if I can, and ask him some questions."

"Don't antagonize him overmuch, Navarone."

"I don't plan on it." I grabbed my weapons just in case, though.

When I stepped outside the house, I asked the sentry, "Is it okay if I use the well entry?"

"Jerk the cord four times, and then descend." I assumed there was a code behind the number of jerks.

I did. Instead of trying to climb it, I just tucked my wings in as close as I could get them and jumped down the damn hole. When I got out of the little tunnel, I shot my wings out to slow my descent, and made my way to the far off shore. Once there, I asked someone if they could get a leader or something up there to talk with me.

I didn't have to wait long. It wasn't often that something jerked the cord four times and then falls into the damn hole. I was guessing that as soon as I started descending, a leader was informed and told to expect some manner of summons.

Either way, not a quarter of an hour later the war leader from before and a smaller, hunched naga came out of the water. The war leader boomed a pleased greeting when he saw me. "Navarone! It has been almost a year since we last met! Tell me, friend, how are you?"

"I am well, though I fear I come for a request rather than for meeting."

"Yes," the older naga said. "We feared as much, when we were summoned. Tell me, _human_, what makes you think you can request anything from us?"

"That is no way to treat a guest!" the warlord accused him.

"He is only a guest as long as he is welcome. I am not so accepting of strangers as you."

"If you truly must talk of such things," I said, "I seem to recall I did you the favor of lighting your ceiling on fire a while ago." The enemy camp was a job. That was a favor.

The warlord smiled, the other just waited.

"Anyway, I want to know why you guys are so pissed at the naga and the maid he stole."

The warlord answered, "Because it was as you say, Navarone: He stole her. If he had asked for her, it would have been different. We would have met with him, determined if he was worthy of her, and then passed judgment one way or another."

"But he is—or rather, was—part of an enemy clan. Would you not deny him out of rote for his position?"

"The girl was of a low class, and would have given no advantages to have married off. He would have had as good a chance of getting her as most males here would."

"Is it too late for him to ask?"

"Yes" hissed the hunched. "No" responded the warrior.

"He disrespected our customs. He deserves his fate," hissed the older.

"He might be ignorant of our customs," the warlord rebutted. "If what they feel is truly love, why should we deny them a chance to be together?"

"So you see our debate, human," the hunched one said. "We have been arguing this off and on since this matter started. I say the male should be killed and the female should be striped bloody for running away with him."

"But nothing can be done while they seek asylum in the property of a foreign state," the warrior assured me. "Despite the wishes of some certain naga."

"I don't know why our ancestors allowed those ponies to settle there! We should have chased them away while we still had the chance. Now, we are forced to let criminals sit at peace _right above our very heads_!"

"What would change your mind and allow those two to go free?" I asked.

"If they dropped the love affair entirely, and the girl left him to come home, it would just go away. She would be stigmatized for a while, but it would go away in time. He might never be allowed to marry any of ours, but then he might well be allowed to," the warrior said.

I snapped my fingers, thinking of something different. "And if they could choose exile unto some faraway isle?"

After a small internal debate, the hunched one said, "If they accept exile into pony lands—well away from here!—I will allow them to leave."

I smiled. "Good. If there is nothing else, I should leave to take this news back."

Before I could take off, though, the warrior stopped me. "Hold, Navarone. I have heard tell from the ponies that you have been away for a while, in a place far across the sea. What manner of job was this that took you so far?"

"Bah!" muttered the hunched one, and he took off into the water.

"We are better for seeing his tail," the fighter sighed. "That old one is the most stubborn… But he is an elder, so his word must be respected."

"To answer your question," I said, "I have been in a land called Egypt, and then later in a place called the Middle East. In Egypt I helped lead a revolution to bring in a power that is against slavery and is pro-Equestria."

"So those ponies finally gave you a fun job!"

"Yes. And wouldn't you know it, it was my time among your people that convinced them to do it."

"Then I am glad you found us, Navarone. I myself have been too long from a good fight. Our leaders prefer peace, and I can understand why, but my body aches for some manner of scrap. I trust you learned some skill in true fighting during your troubles?"

"Nay, I didn't. Most of my fighting was close-in knife work, slitting throats to allow the real fighters easier access. And even then, a lot of my work was behind the scenes, either planning or linking up groups of fighters." All technically true.

"Bah! Surely you have some manner of story to tell?"

"I helped rout an army of over fifteen hundred enemy troops with three people."

"Now there is a tale for the legends! Tell me the names of your companions!"

"A cat woman named Jocasta and a pony named Celestia. Maybe you've heard of her."

"You led the leader of all the ponies into battle? You truly are a monster, Navarone!" he said, laughing. "Either a monster or a master liar!"

"It wasn't so much a battle as it was truly a rout. As soon as they saw Celestia they fled. But I'd like to think I was scary enough to have a part in that, and if you had known Jocasta you would have understood more their desire to escape."

"You keep some of the strangest company, Navarone. Do you have any _real _stories for me?"

I told him some. He loved hearing of our fight on the last day, the taking of the Suez Canal. I told him of our kill count the size of around five hundred, of Rock and his charge against the gatehouse, of Miguel and his gleeful slaughter, and of our tactics used in the battle itself. He wasn't that impressed with our murderers, but understood their use.

He smiled, thinking of Rock: "I would love to meet this fellow. You say he is a cat?" I nodded. "I have never seen one of their kind before. I didn't even know they existed. Tell me, how are their women?"

I told him some about Kat, but not the fact that it was all forced. "You sly dog, Nav," he said. I wish…

When I had told him all I could think of, I bid him farewell and flew back up to the rope. I couldn't have climbed it before since my arms were so leaden with the effort of holding onto the wall, but I figured I could probably make it up this time.

I was right.

It was getting close to night when I got back up. I figured the two naga I left up here would probably be thinking still, or have made up their minds to love each other no matter what.

Still, I did have two options for them now: Exile or give up this farce. Even if they did want to love each other, they could love each other just as easily somewhere else.

When I got in, I told Sue and Clyde the news. "Tell them if you want. If they find out death is off the table, they will not see as much romanticism in their affair. Now that they would no longer be martyrs of love, they might find they no longer feel interested in each other; after all, when 'the rest of your life' is measured in days, asking someone if they think they could stand being with someone that long doesn't mean as much." They agreed.

I haven't mentioned them before, because they were annoying, relatively uneducated farm girls that still imagined they might one day be taken away by a prince, but there were two other female ponies here, sisters of Pinkie. I didn't ask their names and I didn't listen when they told me.

Anyway, they were very, very annoyed at my meddling in their live action love story. I personally thought the entire matter was silly and should never have happened, but whatever.

And apparently the female naga was starting to think so as well. I heard some crying coming from the room Sue went to. I just shrugged at the two sisters and went upstairs.

I wasn't in my room for an hour when the male naga came in. "Human—no, Navarone—your words… I regret to say it, but I think you're right. I don't think I actually do truly _love _her. The farmer has been telling me some things he and his wife have done together, and I just can't imagine doing any of that with her. But after all this trouble, I don't know how to tell her… After what she's given up, and what she risks…"

"I can't help you there, my friend. I have a similar problem. Except I have no choice in the matter. I suggest just telling her, but you should ask Sue and Clyde as well."

"I can't believe I caused so much trouble… Life is never easy."

"And it just gets harder as you get older."

"I doubt it can do much more to me. I will think on what you said, and I will tell her in the morning."

He left and I did my best to sleep, fully expecting to be woken up in an hour by the female naga telling me she didn't love the fellow and that I was right.

Yeah, that didn't happen. Life isn't a story, after all.

But when he did tell her, she wasn't that sad. She felt the same way, but just didn't feel the need to tell me.

I went to tell the sentry the news. He asked me to watch his post while he went to get the leader. "Bring the warlord, not the hunchback," I advised him.

"Of course. We don't want bloodshed any more than you do, not if it isn't necessary."

I thought that kind of ironic, considering he was going to get the warlord instead of the civilian.

I stood guard in the autumn chill while waiting for their leader to appear.

When he finally dragged himself out of the well, I greeted him. "I hear you found a peaceful solution, human. I am not completely disappointed by that. Can I talk to the two?"

"You can't go in with weapons. I'm sorry, but I will take no chances."

"An understandable and wise caution." He handed his weapons to the naga sentry that followed him up. "Better?"

I led the way in. The naga could barely fit into the door, he was so large; the only reason I don't have any trouble with them is because I'm so bloody short. A normal sized human would be ducking left and right.

"So you're the naga that ordered the death of my clan," the young one accused.

"Boy, I thought I taught you about how to treat guests in my house!" Clyde yelled.

The younger one at least had the grace to look abashed, but he didn't apologize. The warrior said, "That's okay, farmer. It's true enough, anyway, and I feel no guilt over it. They were enemies, and they fought and lost. That is the end of it, as far as I'm concerned. We aren't here to discuss that, I've been told. I'm here to bring a young female naga back, if she truly wants to come."

She looked down and said, "I do."

"Then let us depart, and not intrude on these ponies overlong."

She paused, and said her goodbyes. She stopped in front of the young naga, and settled for shaking hands.

Crisis averted. The two sisters sighed, and did their best to make the rest of my stay completely uncomfortable. Thankfully, the rest of my stay was just the rest of that day and long enough to pack the following day.

That place was seriously depressing. Not once while I was there did I ever see the sun, and I think it was brighter in the naga cave than it was at their farm.

My parting words with the farmers were worth noting, I suppose: "I'm glad we were able to end that peacefully," I said.

"Yes," Sue sighed, "but it's a shame the two didn't truly love each other. It would have made for such a nice story…"

"Sometimes the best stories are those that we read, not those that happen to us. If they would have been miserable together after a few years, it is better they drifted apart," Clyde told her.

"I'm somewhat hoping this is the last time I'll have to deal with the naga," I said. "I like them, but this is a long way to have to come just to settle a small bloody problem."

"I don't know if I would consider this small, Navarone. After your trip in the Middle East I might can understand why you would think it so, but most ponies don't do as much in their lifetime as you've done in the past few years."

"They're welcome to a life of boredom. I was close to starving or dying of dehydration in Africa, and that's not even counting all the cat people throwing weapons at me."

"Some ponies beg for adventures, Nav. Back in my day, I used to hope for something, anything, to happen to get me away from these rocks," Clyde said.

"Everyone wants an adventure. No one wants the hunger or the desperation that comes with it. Or the killing, or the fear, or the memories of things you were forced to do to survive."

"There are a lot of ponies that would call you a hero," Sue said.

"I could be considered a hero, if you overlooked the bad things I did, or the several things I did that were highly unheroic."

"But you saved ponies. Is that not what a hero does?"

"A hero saves people. He doesn't murder people to do it. He might kill them, yes, but he doesn't slit their throats while their backs are turned, or break locks while someone else is distracting the guards, or plan food heists that will leave hundreds of innocents starving."

"You are so hard on yourself. You did what you had to do. There is nothing wrong with that."

"I know. But I wish it hadn't been necessary. I hope I will never be called upon to do anything like it again. I'm honestly starting to think this world is being destabilized by my presence, and that just by being here I'm spawning conflict."

"That's silly. These problems always existed. But most of them didn't directly involve ponies. Eventually if you hadn't acted we would have been freed from the naga one way or another. And if you hadn't acted on the problems in the Middle East they would have been cleared up by Princess Celestia. Just because you are available to help solve problems does not mean they wouldn't have happened if you weren't there," Clyde assured me.

"He's right. I mean, you weren't here when that Nightmare Moon lady was sent to the moon a thousand years ago, were you? You had nothing at all to do with that, and that was probably the biggest period of conflict in the entire history of Equestria," Sue added. That they knew of.

Basically true. At least my methods hadn't ended up with any dead ponies, though not for lack of trying.

Not long after that, I left for Ponyville. It was a nice ride back. I got some odd looks from passengers that had never seen me before, but whatever; after so long, I was immune to such matters.

My homecoming was precisely what I expected: A debriefing from Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, who were relieved it was resolved peacefully but disappointed there wasn't a new epic love story to add to the annals of history. All I got from Twilight was a 'How was it?' that was easily answered with 'Eh, I don't think I'll answer any more letters like that.'


	21. Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Nineteen—Wherein the 'hero' ruins the day

And a day after that, I received a letter from Celestia. Fearing more retribution, I thanked Spike and went up to a cloud to read it.

It was nothing of the sort, but rather a terse, "Are you available for a meeting?"

Wasted all that time coming to a cloud for nothing…

I pocketed the letter, flew back down to the tree house, and sat down to write out a short response: "If you don't plan on yelling at me, feel free to stop by or tell me where to meet you. If you're still mad, well, I'm sure I can find something to do until you get tired of asking."

I handed it to Spike with a murmured "Would you kindly?"

He just rolled his eyes, blew the letter into thin air, and remarked, "I'm really starting to miss Africa and the Middle East. I don't know what it was about it, but some of that food there, man… Do you think we could convince Twilight to—"

Whatever we were supposed to convince her was lost in a flash of light as I suddenly found myself sitting on nothing but air in the throne room of the Imperial Palace at Canterlot.

I tried to catch at something but managed to do nothing but make myself look more a fool as I fell over. _Ladies and gentlemen, the Liberator of Africa._

I awkwardly got to my feet, and looked around. Aside from Celestia on her throned dais and a few guards, the room was pretty much empty. She at least waited for me to get standing again before talking.

"Well, you did say you were available for a meeting…" Celestia said with a small smile.

"I say a lot of things," I answered.

"As do we all. Sometimes we say too many things."

"Sometimes we just need to let off steam. No one is perfect all the time."

She smiled. "Well, now that we have that business out of the way, I hear tell that you were once again involved in some affairs with the naga. How you get into mess after mess one after another never ceases to amaze me."

"You must not have spent much time with Twilight's friends. They have some of the strangest sets of problems I have ever seen, and it appears I'm somewhat uniquely able to fix some of them. Such a combination never fails to get me into one awkward situation after another."

"You could learn to say no."

"If we start saying no to opportunities in life, how will anything ever get done? Or, better question, where will all the fun go?"

"Yes, but generally, life expectancies go up as the proportion of dangerous things you do goes down."

"Most of us don't live forever anyway, lass. If I had the option, would I take it? Maybe, maybe not. I still haven't decided."

"You're not getting any younger."

"If time flowed backwards I don't think we would be having this conversation."

"If time flowed backwards we would see the results of our mistakes before we made them, and would be able to fix them before they started mattering."

"Assuming it flowed backwards for everyone, at least. But no matter; you did not summon me here for veiled apologies or hints of actions I have done. Or philosophy, now that we find ourselves there."

"Can one friend not make time to see another with no talk of meaning or purpose?"

"Usually, yes. But when one friend is a princess that must carefully ration time, the chances of such an occurrence grow slim."

"I can always make time for a friend, Navarone. Remember that. But in this case, you are, I suppose, correct." _Don't you dare send me back to that African hellhole. Don't you dare_. "Guards, would you please leave us?" With a strange look at her and a very threatening look at me, they complied. When they were gone, she continued. "The… veiled apology, you call it, was one reason. I truly did yell at you out of haste, not thinking about what I was doing or saying. But Luna… she frustrates me, sometimes. But I can't very well yell at her. And yelling at servants for following orders is not fair. And the guards couldn't have known what she had planned. Neither could you. And for that I apologize. Had she wanted, and if she tried hard enough, she probably could have kept you up there with her. Thankfully, her mind is not as dark as you seem to think it might be; the idea of kidnapping you had never occurred to her. Though that might be because she never once thought—truly thought, mind—that you didn't love her back."

"Less than six years, now. I don't think she's going to forget her love to me."

"Not on her own. But think about what you told that naga."

"How do you know so much about my activities?"

"You can't expect me to give up all my secrets. Just trust that I know."

"…Fine. As long as you don't know about _everything _that happens to me, I'm okay with you keeping your secrets." That earned a very… _knowing_… smile that I was somewhat afraid of. "But yes, if we could get her the same words I used on the two lovestruck naga, she might give up on me. She can't be that old, relatively speaking. The question becomes, who should be the one to tell her?"

"Zecora has proven herself untrustworthy. You can't do it. I probably shouldn't do it. No one else knows anything about this, aside from that one guard that was ordered to report on the murder of Rainbow Dash."

Suddenly a random thought struck me, and the importance my mind gave it forced me to voice it aloud: "Luna teleported me to the moon… Does she have the same teleporting attunement to me that you do now?"

I have never seen someone's eyes go that wide in my life. Just as I was about to ask why, the front doors exploded. I had my dagger out and ready to throw—a talent and habit I picked up in Africa that saved me at least once—before the dust parted, but I was thrown back against a wall before I could do anything with it.

I barely held onto consciousness as I slowly slid down the wall face. It felt like at least one bone in my back was broken, and I couldn't feel anything from my wings but pain.

And in strode Luna like a broken-hearted conqueror, her face a contorted mass of rage and sorrow.

It was at that point that I thought something bad might happen.

"Luna," Celestia tried, "what brings you here? And in such a fury, I might add." As though I hadn't just been batted aside like a fucking ragdoll.

"I think you know full well what brought me here, _sister_! I have the same skills as you when it comes to magic, at least in such things as this! I overheard everything you two were discussing!" _Oh, merde…_

I was tempted to let myself sink into the growing darkness. It would have been nice to not see this clash of titans. Especially since I feared that one way or another it would end in my death.

However, my subconscious rarely gives into what my mind actively wants, and so I automatically willed myself awake even while I begged to rest.

And it's interesting what the mind focuses on when the body is dying: At least I now knew the answer to how Celestia knew what I was doing.

Luna was continuing; I tried to listen, and forgive me if some of what I say is incorrect. The gist is correct, and in this case that is all that matters, for her words were of emotion rather than logic. "Your guards told me _he _was here, and that you begged a solo audience with him. What else would you be talking about than your dear sister? So I tuned in to listen; you know, to see what _nice _and _pleasant _things you might say about your _naïve _sister. And maybe I was mistaken in what I heard. I seem to think I heard you say you didn't love me, Navarone. Maybe I was just wrong when I heard you say you did! How about telling the truth, setting us all straight?"

I tried to answer, but all that came out was blood. Oh yeah, there was definitely something broken in there, something that pierced my lungs. I could start to feel it, too—the pain was growing dim and breathing was getting hard, neither of which were good signs.

Celestia tried to intervene on my behalf, saying that if nothing else I should be healed, but Luna was having none of it. "After the lies he told, after what he let me believe, you think we should give him the grace of healing? I know you were in on this lie too, sister, but what else has he told us that isn't true? I bet Navarone isn't even his real name!" Which was true, at least. I might have pointed that out, but I was steadily spitting blood out at that point, and couldn't be bothered.

"We told no lies that we didn't think were to protect you, Luna. We didn't know how you would react!"

"You didn't know how far you could trust me, you mean. You know as well as I that I wasn't myself when I was Nightmare Moon. I'm better, now!"

"You say you're better, but then you come in here and try to kill the one you proclaimed to love! How are you any better than you were when you did the same to me?"

Luna definitely blanched at that. "This… this is different! I just thought you didn't love me! I _know _he doesn't, and I know he lied about it!"

I want any readers to know that first, you're a bad person if you're reading this at all; these are diary entries, dammit, not a bloody book! And second, that it was here that I made an effort to stand up that didn't go anywhere. The effort was made and noticed, however.

"Here, the human tries to stand up to defend himself at last! Do you have anything new to say?"  
_Nope, just more blood._

"He is going to die if we don't help him. You may be mad at him, but can you truly wish him dead for what he did?" That was a very possible estimate. Both that I was going to die and that she was mad enough to wish it, I mean.

But slowly, the rage on her face died down. It was taken over wholly by sorrow, and she knelt and wept. She wept, I bled, and Celestia worried. And then I was healed.

I was very, very tempted to have Celestia teleport me out into the sun at that point. Or back to Africa, to give me a chance to atone for my sins. Anywhere would have been better than right there at that moment, easing my recently shattered but currently fine body back off the floor, without any idea at all of what I should do.

Celestia came to my rescue, thankfully. "Go guard the door, Navarone. Make sure no pony enters or looks in." It was a little bit late for that; the explosion drew half the guards in the palace and more than half of the servants—this news was going to spread fast.

I grabbed my dagger from where it had fallen and took my post, using my newly healed wings to shield as much of the view as I could, and glaring at everyone until they muttered and found a good reason to find themselves somewhere else. Celestia's two guards from before joined me at the door, and at least had the grace to look completely embarrassed for what their part in this mess.

I don't know how long we held our position at the door. I know the guards to replace the guards that were with me—who chose not to leave, and to stay as long as they were needed as a penance of sorts—came by the time I was called back in.

It was a silent room I walked into. And it was a hesitant human that did the walking. If I didn't think I'd be teleported back instantly I would have tried flying away.

The two powers faced me as a united front, day and night, one white and radiant, the other dark and mysterious.

"Before we start this discussion," Celestia said, "do you have anything to say?"

"I… apologize, Luna. I was in a new world with new people, and I was not thinking on about what I said or did. I will accept whatever punishment as given, though with the caveat that I would prefer death to any time imprisoned."

Luna couldn't help a smile at that. "I know what it is like to be imprisoned. I would not wish that upon anypony. No, you are to receive no punishment. We were both at fault, I fear… Yours was not realizing that I was craving attention, and then not realizing how I would take rejection, and mine was in not realizing that you didn't mean anything in your words. And I apologize for what I did, if it makes you feel any better."

"I never once hated you or wanted to hurt you. What we did we did because we thought it was for the best."

"And you were willing to risk what might have been an eternity with somepony you didn't love. Why, Navarone?"

"I could never…" I sighed. "I'm a pacifist at heart," and continuing through Celestia's snort, "I absolutely detest hurting others. Killing is one thing, killing people that need to die is okay in my mind. But hurting others is hard for me. Emotionally, physically, mentally, whatever. I just don't like it." Not completely true; there were a few instances in which hurting someone had a good cause.

"But killing causes pain of its own, even if it is only in the parents of those you kill," Luna answered, confused.

"Yes, but I so rarely see the pain it causes. I don't mind it as much if I can't see it. And I can think of few justifiable reasons to hurt someone, while there are plenty of reasons to kill people. Ask Celestia, if you don't believe me," meaning the work done with the naga and in Africa.

"Lying can cause just as many problems and just as much pain, though," Celestia said, thinking it a warning.

"Yes, it can. Key word there is _can_. I am a master liar and a master actor, when I need to be and when it suits my purposes. Lies can cause pain, but when the truth will definitely cause pain, which is better to choose?"

"And how did you think this lie would never cause pain?" Luna asked with more than a touch of bitterness.

"A few reasons. One, the potential for returned love was there, even if it was currently unreached. In time, anyone can come to love anyone. For two, neither Celestia nor I ever expected it to come to a head like this; we both planned to keep you in the dark about my true feelings until the seven years was up, hoping you would grow out of it." The time for lies was over, at least in this area. Brutal honesty was painful, but it is what was required.

"However," Celestia added for me, "Zecora refused to play along. When I told her what she was to say, she completely blew me off, and demanded to see Navarone." _And damn her to hell for it_, I mentally added.

"I… see. I suppose I have her to thank for this." _Thank might not be the word I would use._

"And now, the crux of this," Celestia said, "what we have decided based on this. First, Navarone, no more spying on you. By either of us." Good. "Second, no more lying, at least not to each other," Celestia said with a significant glance at her sister. "We should have enacted that policy a long time ago. I never thought it would be necessary. Now, though…"

"How can you enforce something like that?" I asked.

"It is a special power that all unicorns have, though most don't know of it. Basically, if two agree to never lie to each other, they can force a bond over each other that will force them to always tell the truth to that pony," Celestia said. "It is rarely done, though, for the obvious reasons. Relationships are built on lies, even if neither side likes to admit it. If everypony was forced to tell everypony else exactly what they thought about that pony, society would crumble. But between two sisters that know what and what not to ask, we both decided it might be for the best."

"As long as I'm not included in that, feel free, though I personally think it is unwise."

"Noted," Celestia said, and then they did their little ritual. It was neat, but there was nothing much to it: Just connecting horns, lights, bubbles, all that fun stuff.

"I love you," they whispered to each other when it was done, which I thought was an awesome touch.

When they had their moment and were apart again, Celestia continued: "Third, now that the cat is pretty much out of the bag on this one, as far as I'm concerned you two are free to actually try to date when the seven year period is over, if you want to give love a try."

"Who knows what six years will bring?" I asked. "I cannot determine what my mindset will be on the matter then. As it stands now, I am not against it, but I will not say one way or another until the time comes."

"And even if we don't choose to try, we will still remain friends. You are fun to talk to, even if you don't always mean what I think you do," Luna said, smiling slightly.

"Fourth, o master liar, how do you suggest we deal with this?" Celestia asked, meaning the servants and the guards knowing what happened. I don't know why she was bringing it up with me; she was the princess.

"Mass hysteria?" At their looks I tried explaining, "There is no way in hell you can stop this from spreading. If you were to shut down the palace right now and stop anything from getting out, that would cause two problems and it would solve nothing as it's probably too late anyway. First, that would make everyone outside know that something is happen. And second, it would make the servants know that what happened was real and that it was big. If you just pretend it never happened, it might well die off. If you deny it, it will spread. If you announce it and say it's true, they'll know it's true. Leaving it alone offers the best chance of this getting swept under the rug."

"That is close to what we had in mind," Celestia said. "For a liar it is very honest of you."

And as a side note, from when I wrote this, nothing of what happened ever traveled beyond the palace. The servants and guards all unanimously agreed to never speak of it and nary was a word mentioned of any agreement. As far as we know, they all just agreed silently that what happened didn't need to spread.

"Any parting words, before we send you back to Ponyville?"

I looked to Luna. "You were right, by the way. About Navarone not being my name, I mean." I looked back to Celestia. "I'm ready."

Before she could teleport me, though, Luna asserted, "You can't just say that and then not even tell me what it is!" Celestia and I both smiled at that, and I could tell she was trying not to laugh.

"How else am I going to keep you excited for when we next meet?"

"You know I can put you anywhere I want, now! And I can bring you to me any time I want! Even if that means you're taking a bath at the time. That would be one less secret you'd keep from me, anyway!"

"You're learning, lass, you're learning. Take me home, Celestia." Before I disappeared, I saw Luna stick a tongue out at me.

Well, that's one more problem solved. And aside from the whole 'almost dying' part, it went better than expected.

Then I reappeared standing on the chair I was sitting on when I was summoned. That answered the question about whether or not I could end up inside of something when I teleported…

When I found Spike and told him why I disappeared, he just rolled his eyes and muttered something about unicorns. The lad was definitely growing, but I couldn't tell if it was for better or for worse. Probably worse, since I was around and since his time in Africa.

I decided to have a chat with Twilight about that, since I really didn't want to ruin Spike's possible future with the ponies by preemptively turning him aggressive.

I found her watering a small garden on a balcony on the second story of the tree. When I approached, she turned and said, "Oh, you made it back. I was starting to think Celestia had decided to keep you."

"It might have been for the best if I hadn't gotten back, but for different reasons. Tell me, have you noticed any difference in Spike's behavior?"

She sighed. "Yes, I have. His time in the east has not done well for him. He spent more time there among violent people than at any other point in his life, and you were only able to see him once a day to provide some manner of counterbalance." _Some manner, indeed_. I was one of the few people in that bloody camp not itching to kill enemy soldiers. Even most of their children wanted to help in the slaughter.

"And I can't imagine his forced diet change helped much either."

"Neither I nor Celestia ever imagined there would be so many carnivorous peoples in Africa. I know the cat people can eat some manner of plants, but they seem to prefer meat or fish. I suppose it should come as no surprise that Spike ended up finally getting a taste of meat, though we all worked so long to keep it from happening."

"And with that taste came growth." He wasn't nearly as tall as I was, yes, but he had gained more than a foot since we left for Africa. "I'm surprised all it took for that was meat."

"He would have grown slower if he hadn't started eating that. But with that diet came more exercise and a warmer climate and more aggression in the air. Dragons are magical beings, and their growth depends on a lot of factors. Aggression is one of them; the more anger and hate in an area, the faster they'll grow."

"So where does that put us now? He went from here to Africa to here again, and now that he's had a taste of meat that's all he seems to want, unless he can find gemstones instead. And you know as well as I that we can't start any kind of meat industry here, especially if it's only to serve Spike and occasionally me."

"Well, Spike living with me never was a permanent thing. He is above all a dragon, and that nature means he won't always be content as a helper, little more than a servant, even if he is serving in friendship rather than in bondage."

"You have to admit, having a tame, fully grown dragon around would be absolutely kickass. I mean, if I could ride him and return home, I could easily convert half the world to thinking I was a god."

"Yes, in your warlike world it would be neat, but here it would just be a hindrance. Dragons are a lot bigger than ponies, as I'm sure you can imagine. Where would we get the food to keep him full? And where would he live?"

"I know it's impractical, but man! I have this picture in my head now of me riding into Washington, DC astride a huge, majestic dragon, my wings fully outspread and a sword held high above my head, proclaiming that spot the new Mecca of the world, where I would rule humanity as a god emperor…"

"You have an overactive imagination. If you have any ideas of how to deal with the real situation we have, I'm open to suggestions."

I sighed and shook the thought from my head. "At his current pony-driven growth rate, how long do we have until he is unsustainable?"

"Oh, at a pony driven rate there's no chance he'll become a problem in _my _lifetime. Dragons live for thousands and thousands of years. I don't even know the last time one actually died of old age. Their natural childhoods last over two hundred years, or at least their childhood how you or I would define it. But I imagine his time in the east cut anywhere from twenty to forty years off that, and that was just in eight months. If anything like that were to happen again, there's no telling how much time we'll lose, especially since he's now open to the idea of such a thing instead of fighting it."

"And you don't think him being around me is perhaps accelerating his growth?"

"Not usually, no. You are violent occasionally, yes, but it is rarely an angry violence or an aggressive one. You are violent generally out of necessity, or at least when you think it is necessary. There is rarely any passion behind it. You were trying to bring justice to Trixie. You did nothing but follow orders in Africa, and from all accounts _I _heard you hated most of what you had to do. You claim so often to be a terrible or violent person, but in all honesty I think you might be among the best of us, depending on how you look at it."

I was tempted to point out the naga thing, but since Pinkie Pie didn't want them to know I didn't bother. "It's kind of sad that you would think I'm better, morally, than any pony. Or at least, of whoever you're considering under 'us.' Different, certainly, but I wouldn't consider myself better than anyone in any way, other than being the best on this world at being human. And I might be one of the better liars."

"You have a point, there. Though one of the best ways to lose a friend is to either lie or break their trust."

"I've had that lesson today, thank you. But this isn't about me, as long as you're saying Spike isn't being negatively affected by me."

"I didn't say that. I said his _growth _wasn't being affected by you. Some of his mental changes, though… He told me that he had been reading some of your journals." My blood ran cold, at that. He wasn't supposed to have told her. "He didn't say what was in them, though, which I admit I was somewhat disappointed by." _Thank God_. "What he found there may have changed him a bit; it's hard to tell. Thankfully, I don't think he found anything about what happened with Trixie."_ And thankfully he started reading before the naga incident and told me before he could get there._

"I knew he had been reading them. He told me before we left. I made sure that he wouldn't be doing that again. There is little of importance in them, anyway. I would offer to show you some of them, but for the fact that some of what Celestia and I talk about are state secrets."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind me knowing. Though I'm surprised she would trust you with things that she wouldn't trust me with."

"Some are secrets that actually involve me. Jobs I've done for her that you don't know about, and the like."

"I find it hard to believe that Celestia had time to requisition you for any jobs, given all your time spent running around for my friends. Unless she also approached them with jobs, which I highly doubt."

"Ask her if you want. My lips are sealed on that matter. And I don't suggest reading through my journals to find out, because there are dark, dark things in them now. Things you want no part in knowing. Again, though, this talk isn't of me. It's of Spike. What is to be done with him?"

"Nothing, for now. Like it or not you're the only male figure in his life. To that end he's going to be getting some tendencies from you no matter what happens. And we can see if his attitude will start returning to normal, now that he's back home and away from most of the darkness we left behind."

_A little too far away from the Congo to be speaking of the Heart of Darkness_. "Your call, lass. If you wake up one day to find yourself missing a haunch and find Spike smacking his lips nearby, don't come crying to me."

"No, he'd probably go after Pinkie Pie instead—with all the sweets she eats, she would probably taste much better."

"Speaking of people changing, Pinkie Pie has definitely gotten a lot saner since we left."

"Maybe when she was talking to you, but as far as I could tell she was the same as she always was."

"Maybe her insanity is just spreading over to me. Or maybe after so much time spent among the insane in Africa I got better at automatically translating her garbage speak into English."

"I wouldn't be surprised at either. Notice any changes about the rest of them?"

"Fluttershy is more assertive and less cowardly, though I'm sure you noticed that. I haven't spent much time with the others yet, not as individuals."

"Fluttershy was never cowardly, she was just… well… okay, fair enough."

The rest of the day was spent chilling. It was pretty rad, after all the crap I had been through recently, to just rest and contemplate.

The next month was spent just getting used to everything new. Not all that much really did change, which I thought was nice; after all that had been going on in my life, it was nice to have something that stayed the same, even if it was something I didn't fully belong to.


	22. Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty

Three weeks after the whole Luna deal, I noticed that I was being followed by yet another pony. A brown stallion, this time. I did much the same thing I did with Lyra, to be positive he was following me. When I was sure, I just turned around, walked right up to him, and said, "Hello. Why are you following me?"

He gazed at me in fear for all of three seconds before trying to bolt. I shot my hand out and grabbed his tail; grabbing most ponies anywhere else when they run like that would rip my arm out of its socket, but if you grab their tail they get yanked back in pain. I don't know why.

I pulled him back to me and held onto him until he stopped trying to run. I was getting a lot of looks from ponies around me, but none of them actually said anything. "I can stand here all day," I told him.

He finally collapsed. I walked to the front of his body and knelt down. "My name is Navarone," I said, holding out a hand. He hesitantly took it. I pulled him to his feet.

"D-d-doctor Whooves," he answered. _You're kidding, right?_ His cutie mark was an hour glass. I immediately thought of Doctor Who when I saw this guy. Imagine that.

"So why are you following me?" I asked. "And why did you try to run?"

He sighed. "I… I wanted to ask you something."

"Running away is not a good way to ask me something. And following me isn't a good way to ask me something either. You bloody ponies aren't very smart sometimes."

He blushed slightly at that. "I was… unsure… of talking to you. You are… well, big! And a hero! I didn't know…"

I sighed. "I'm not a bloody hero," I said. "Just someone who was in the right place at the wrong time. What's your question?"

"Well… You seem pretty close to some of the ponies here," he said, shyness creeping back into his voice.

"Some of them, yes," I said. "Now what's your question?"

"And you seem to know Derpy Hooves," he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Yep, I helped drag her heavy ass out of the forest. What's your question?"

"I… I want to meet her," he whispered.

I stared at him. He lowered his eyes. I looked up. "DERPY!" I called, looking up at her, flying to her next delivery—she was a mail… mare, I guess. Mailmare. That makes sense, right?

She jerked her head down to me and flew into the side of a building with a disturbing crunch. Whooves flinched and tried to run but I grabbed his tail again. I looked at him as she slid down the building. "You free today at five?" I asked.

When he finally stopped trying to run he turned to me with horror. After a loud gulp, he nodded.

Derpy finally picked herself off the ground from where she had slid down the building. She was, of course, completely unhurt. No, I don't know how. These ponies, man, they're made of fucking steel sometimes.

She trotted up to me with a massive smile on her face. "What do you need, Nav?" she asked, one of her eyes on me and the other on Whooves.

"Derpy, this is Doctor Whooves. He's too nervous to ask, but he wants to take you on a date tonight."

They both turned nearly luminescent with their blushes. Derpy recovered first and turned to him. "What… What time?" she whispered.

He opened his mouth but nothing came out. After a moment he closed it and looked to me. "Five," I answered. "Sugarcube Corner okay?" I asked them both. They nodded, looking at each other.

"Congratulations, Doc," I said. "You got a date."

I turned to go but turned back after a moment to find them still staring at each other. "Derpy, don't forget your mail," I said, reminding her. She gasped and leapt into the air, hitting her head on a signpost that was above her.

I turned again, shaking my head.

"I'm okay!" she shouted as she took off again. I started walking away.

Only to find my new brown friend holding onto my legs. I tried pulling them away from him to no use. I sighed. "What, Doc?" I finally asked.

"How… how do I… date somepony?"

"I don't know, Doc," I answered. "I've never done it. Can you let go of me? I kind of want to get out of this bloody town for a day." I was tired of dealing with shit like this; my patience for tomfoolery was much shorter after Africa.

"But… But… I don't know what to do!"

I sagged and couldn't help but look up to the heavens. _Why do I have to deal with shit like this?_ "I suggest you ask a pony friend," I answered. "Failing that, be yourself. Or rather, be the part of yourself that isn't uncomfortably silent when you come face-to-face with the mare you like."

"_Be myself_?" he scoffed. "That never works!"

"Look. Doc. _I don't care._ Let me go or I'm going to sit on you."

"Can you… go with me tonight? Sit near me and help me?"

I fell back on him, since he was still holding my legs. His head went between my legs and I was straddling his upper neck. When I had his head locked I mashed my legs together, constricting his air flow.

"Let. Me. Go," I said. His arms slowly drifted away from my legs. I pulled my legs out and flipped one over his head so I could easily stand up. "I got you the date. Talk to someone else to help you. Either way, I seriously suggest getting some confidence or something, man. Or harness the confidence that made you hold onto me so long after I threatened you." I stood up and patted him on the top of the head. "I'm heading out of the village now. If you follow me I'll drag you back into town and tie you to a table in Sugarcube Corner until your date gets there."

I left the village and I left him lying in the dirt.

I'm not going to lie: I was very, _very _surprised that he followed me. And I had absolutely no way to drag him back to town; he was stronger than me and heavier than me. Fucking ponies, man. I don't know when I realized he was behind me again, but when I did I started heading to an area I knew well enough that I can sneak up on him.

It took me half an hour to set him up. When he was finally right where I needed him, I dropped down from the tree and onto his back. His mouth opened in surprise and I jammed my belt between his teeth as a bit. I used that to control his head and he quickly fell into line.

"You're a docile one," I commented, patting him on the side. "Much easier to break than those damn pegasi in that rodeo. Now, why did you follow me?" I slid the bit out, making sure I was safely on his back.

"You were testing my confidence…" he gasped, still recovering from his fear. _I was what now?_ "You wanted to see if I was brave enough to follow you out of town!" I closed my eyes, thinking over what I had said and—Yep, you could see it that way. Fucking ponies.

I patted his neck again. "That's not at all what I was doing," I said. He sagged. "Congratulations. You're either an idiot or a genius. Either way, you're more confident than I thought. But maybe you misunderstood me when I said that I really don't care. Because I most definitely don't. Be happy that you're normal enough to go on a date with a pony. Derpy's a nice enough mare, if incredibly clumsy. Hell, she's probably one of the kindest I've met. Makes an awesome muffin, too. If she likes you, good. If not, oh well. Either way I don't care. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

He turned his head to look at me. "This is a hard test! It's almost like… you… don't… Oh." He got quieter saying that until he was barely whispering. He hung his head.

I patted him again and slid off his back. I turned to walk away again. I felt something very large and very heavy crash into me, sending me to the ground. My head hit the ground and left me reeling. I realized after a moment that he was holding me down. I shook my head and tried to push myself up but I didn't budge.

"I _need _your help!" he raged.

"I am going to count to three," I said. "If you are still on top of me when I finish I will hurt you."

"But—"

"One."

"You don't—"

"Two." I pulled out my knife.

"Please!"

"Three."

I felt him move. I pushed myself off the ground and turned to look at him. He was looking down, unable to meet my gaze. I grabbed his head and forced his gaze up. "Remember that feeling," I told him. "That feeling when you struck me. That _need_. Now go get her. Or something." I let his head go and turned once more, sheathing my dagger.

I heard him sigh as I walked away.

I get so, _so _tired of dealing with these fucking ponies sometimes. So dramatic, so full of life and emotion. And it seems like every time they want to involve me with something it's the fucking clichéd plot of a cartoon or TV show.

Sometimes I just need to get away for a day, you know?

The next day Derpy came by the library with an extra-special muffin and a peck on the cheek for introducing her to such a great stallion. Whoop-de-doo. Doctor Whooves came by an hour or so later and gave me a hoof-crafted clock, which was pretty neat.

Say what you want about my methods, but I get results. Even when I don't try and don't care. And apparently I get friends even when I act like a dick. I was starting to wonder what it would take to get a few days of peace and quiet.

About six weeks after the whole Luna fiasco, I found myself looking outside into the dreary winter day, wondering if I should bother stepping outside.

Someone knocked on the door. Twilight was away and Spike was brooding again, so I went to answer it. Rainbow Dash greeted me.

"Oh, hi Navarone. Is Twilight in?"

"Nay, lass. She and Rarity went to do something."

"Good. Can I talk to you about something… sensitive?"

I thought about Spike, wandering about the building—ostensibly cleaning, but he wasn't doing that much—and decided we could walk. "Let me grab my coat."

A few minutes later, we were chilling on a high cloud, trying to soak as much heat out of the sun as it was willing to weakly beat against us. "What do you want to talk about?"

"This might sound odd, but how do you get a mare to like you?"

I laid back into the cloud—wings weren't an issue for that, up here—and tried to think how I could respond to that.

Finally, I said, "What makes you think I have any experience in attracting mares?"

I imagined her rolling her eyes as she said, "Don't make me spell it out, Nav. Or should I say Z?"

"If I _was _this Z fellow, I don't think any of his methods would work for you. That was a one hit wonder, designed for use on a lass that didn't know anything about him. I mean, if you know a mare long enough to determine that she might be into other mares, you two probably know enough about each other so that any methods such as that wouldn't work."

"Fine, I'll buy that. But it's still obvious that you managed to attract another mare, completely on your own."

_She couldn't possibly know about Luna_. "If that is true, I can almost guarantee you that it wasn't on purpose. I can't imagine that it is true, anyway. What pony, male or female, could find much romantic interest in something like me after knowing me long enough?"

"You mean you really don't know? And I thought _I _was slow to figure it out! Well, if you don't know I won't be the one to tell you."

"Suit yourself. I don't know how I can tell you what I did with her if I don't know who it is, though." _If not Luna, though, then who?_

"Surely you have some manner of advice, though, even if it was from girls in your own world."

"You could get lucky and find yourself fulfilling a personal fetish of theirs. That happened to me, in Africa. I couldn't tell you if it was more of a curse or a blessing, though."

"Oh, this I have to hear! What happened?"

I found myself blushing a bit. "I'm not certain you want to know. Your innocent mind might not take it well."

"Tell me or I'll sit on you."

"And you bloody ponies call _me _violent! Fine, if you'll not tell any of the others. There was a crazy cat lady in Africa that had a fetish for wings." _And a few other things._ "It was an interesting time I spent in those desert nights."

"I'm sure you enjoyed yourself, anyway. Why would you consider that a curse?"

"Because I had no say in the matter, one way or another. I was basically her prisoner. I got orders from Celestia that basically amounted to 'Do anything these people say.' When I complained to the leader of the cats, who at that point hated me, she pointed out the wording of the orders and told me to suck it up. And when she started going too far and I was trying to say no, they threatened Spike."

"Psh. Leave it to you to complain about free, no strings attached sex."

"The sex I didn't mind. I just didn't like the fact that I had no say in the matter. That, and very often I had to wake up early the next morning to march in the relentless desert sun, or else I had already missed a few hours of sleep to attack a slave camp. And you don't know what _too far_ means."

She still couldn't find much wrong with it, and I decided to let it go. Not something I really much wanted to think about.

"But if that isn't an option, what else can I do?"

"Are you positive this person is into mares?"

"No, but I think she might be open to trying it, if nothing else…"

"I'll tell you what I told Spike: Whoever this chick is, try telling her you're interested. If she isn't, she'll tell you and you can stop worrying about it, and you won't have to do some elaborate scheme to try to get her. If she is, problem solved."

"If I wanted that kind of advice I would have asked my mother, or just about any other mare. I want to know how a guy would go about doing it."

"Depends on the guy, honestly. There is no set way to go about it. It also depends on what you're looking for. That Z fellow probably had Twilight's heart in a vice, but I honestly doubt he could have lived up to the image he built. Most people don't think about what happens in a relationship once the initial passion dies down. Forever is a long time to pledge your life to someone, and over time you get to know them as different than when you first met them. If you're in love with someone because of the mystery or intrigue they pose, and nothing else, you're going to end up disappointed in the long run. Now, I'm not going to say Z would have been a bad husband—I don't know the fellow, after all—but a relationship with him would have been incredibly different than the wooing process."

"So what are you trying to tell me?"

"It's different based on what you're looking for and the person you're going after. Z disappeared after he knew he won. He was probably looking for either the show or the challenge, not for an actual relationship. Your parents, though, were probably looking for love when they got together, and their wooing style probably went with that: They very likely had a long dating process." _Unless you're an accident after a one night stand and they decided to stay together because of that._ "During that time they got to know each other a bit to know if they were fully compatible before agreeing to anything more. But asking someone on a date is both easier and harder than what Z did. Easier, because there are fewer expectations from a date than there are when you get a girl to love you in one night. Harder, because it implies more intimacy or the at least chance for more intimacy."

If you can't tell, by the way, I'm making about half of this up as I go. I've spent some mental time on game theory and stuff like this, but never for practical reasons. Some of this might work, but I've never tested it.

"You're really going to have to tell me the story behind Z some time."

I sighed. "How many ponies actually know it was me?"

"Pretty much everypony that heard any descriptions of Z and also knew you as a pony. I can't believe Twilight hasn't figured it out and killed you for it. Though I still haven't figured out how you got a Cutie mark."

"If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll tell you the story. And by not telling anyone, I mean telling absolutely no one."

She did. I did.

When I was finished telling the more official version, she commented—after she finished laughing, anyway—"I can't believe Princess Celestia herself would condone something like that! I know she brought us to the Gala before that one as a means of entertainment, but to do something like that to her own student? It doesn't seem possible!"

Personally, I somewhat agreed. Though after living so long, I guess you have to find entertainment somehow. The poor princess had probably been a troll for years. Heh, Trolestia… Nah, she would kill me if I called her that and she found out what it meant. Or lobotomize me and give me back to Kat.

"Remember, lass: Not a word to anyone. Feel free to try some of what I did, but remember that it wouldn't work on someone you know that well. Spike actually asked me the same thing—but he had the benefit of having read my journals beforehand. Anyway, I told him the same thing I'm telling you."

"And I notice he isn't any closer to getting Rarity at all interested in him."

"He also didn't try following the advice I did give him, though."

"Which was?"

"Tell her."

"I'm pretty sure she knows."

"I know that and you know that. Hell, pretty much everyone knows that. Rarity is rather manipulative. She'll probably keep using his feelings until he admits them, and then kick him to the curb."

"She's better than that, Nav!"

"Well, after some of what she did to me I feel that I'm justified in what I think."

"Oh? Do you have more stories for me?"

"Not on this I don't."

"And if I threatened to sit on you again?"

"I'll starve before I talk. And don't bother threatening to get my journals, either: I never wrote it down." _Not entirely true, but I didn't put it in my journals._ While some things are better forgotten, if I ever actually did manage to find a way to get these journals home, I might include a complete version of them instead of a version with some missing details. I hadn't decided on that yet.

"Well, I suppose I should leave you with _some _secrets, otherwise there will be no more reason to talk with you. Though why you're so willing to disclose some of these now, I find odd."

"No one asked, for some of them. And let's just say that I recently learned how poisonous it can be to hide things, especially if you have to lie to do it."

"Do I sense more stories ahead?"

"Nope. Though since I've told you so much, maybe you can tell me some yourself. Tell me, why are you coming out to me, now, about something like this?"

She looked away and muttered something.

"What was that, lass? I must have some cloud in my ear." She mumbled it a bit louder. "Maybe that cloud is actually some sand from Africa. I still can't hear you."

"You're the only friend I can tell that won't think I'm hitting on them! Why don't you seem surprised at all to learn it?"

"Since we're being honest here, I already knew."

"YOU WHAT?"

"Remember when we got you drunk, my first year here? Yeah, when you woke up that morning that thing you thought I said, that I actually _did _say, was 'we tried letting Big MacIntosh flirt with you.' It didn't work well, though he didn't specify why. All he said was you didn't want a stallion."

That got her a bit steamed and scared at the same time. "You mean… Applejack… she knows? And Big Mac? And… and you LIED to me! Twice!"

"Now, technically, I only lied to you once, because of your wording when you kidnapped me."

"That doesn't make me feel any better!"

"Well, what else was I supposed to do? What would you have done if we told you what we knew? What would you have done that was different, I mean?"

"…I would not have waited as long as I did to bring this up. How did Applejack react when she found out?"

"So much has happened… If you want, I can show you the relevant journal entries. They go more into detail, and there might be something in them that I wouldn't think to mention."

She agreed to that, and we flew back down to the library. Once there, I thought for a second, and then picked a book seemingly at random from a shelf and handed it to her.

"This says… _Mating Habits of the Common Cow_. Are you calling me fat?"

"Open it." She did so, _somehow_, and found that it was hollowed out and full of journal pages.

"Does Twilight know you did this to one of her books?"

"Nope. Seriously, who the hell is going to try to check out something on the mating habits of cows? Who the hell would even write a book like that? Makes about as much sense as rock farming."

"I don't think Twilight would care about the logicality of it as much as she would that you messed with one of her books."

"True enough. What she doesn't know can't hurt her, though." I grabbed the entries of note and set them out for her. "Oh, and don't think all the entries are in there, either. I spread them out in various hiding places." That was a lie, actually. They _were _all in there. After what Spike did, I wasn't taking any chances by keeping them in an easily found location. I suppose it would be more accurate to call it a half lie, actually. I had chopped up a lot of books and stored things in all of them. Most were false trails, fake entries in my journal, things that weren't true and never happened. Basically, tells to let me know if someone was actually searching for anything. If they mentioned something to me about what was in one of them, I would move the real entries. If they mentioned something to me about what was in the real entries, I would claim they were part of the false trail I laid out.

And before you ask, no, this entry didn't end up with the real entries.

She read through them, looking for what, I don't know. I also don't know if she found it. Maybe it was reading my attitudes and opinions on the matter that caused it, but whatever, she didn't answer any of my questions on the matter when I asked them. I probably should have taken the bit about Luna out of them, but I didn't see what it could hurt and I didn't want her to think I was hiding anything.

I offered to let her read through until the part where she kidnapped me, but she decided against it. She still seemed in a bit of shock.

She finally asked me, "Are all your entries like this?"

"Not all. I don't see what was so surprising about it, though. Other than my complete irreverence, I mean. That's a pretty common theme. Overarching, actually, aside from one or two occasions. Hell, you should read my description of when I first met Celestia."

"Oh, this I gotta see!" She started scrabbling through my papers looking for it. If any of them appear incomplete or damage, it might be her fault.

I stopped her, and pulled the appropriate one out. She started reading it. "I was _not _a nervous wreck! Heh, yeah, that's Twilight for you. And Rarity…" When she finished, she looked up. "That's not quite how I remember feeling the first time I met her. I felt completely empowered, like I could do anything! Confidence and energy surged through me. It was only my nervousness that kept me from acting."

"She is definitely an amazing person. Shame she only seems to want to talk to me when she needs me to do something."

"Psh. That's not true! What about that time she summoned us to Canterlot and her sister ended up getting injured? She talked to you for hours, then."

"Yeah, that was, as it turned out, an interview of sorts. I can't go over the details, but she was talking with me for a reason."

"Oh, come on! You've told me so much, what's a little more going to hurt?"

"Possibly a lot more than you know. If news of what happened in the palace recently ever gets here, I might tell you about it, but otherwise my lips are sealed by royal edict."

"What happened in the palace recently?"

"I can't tell you. Not quite royal edict, this time, but more the request of a friend. Let's just say that the last time I got summoned there I had to help deal with a mini-crisis." _That ended with me slammed against the wall and almost dead._

"You can't just cut me off there! Come on, what happened?"

"I can't tell you."

"And if I threaten to hold these entries hostage? Or read through them?"

"You may be faster than me, lass, but you can't run forever. And if all else fails I'll just get Pinkie Pie to help me catch you. Some of those entries concern her secrets as well."

"Secret conspiracies with both Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie? What, are they planning a super-secret Equestria-wide party?"

"No, two different secrets about two different topics, for the most part unrelated. I ended up in Africa because of Pinkie Pie's secret, but it isn't for me to discuss."

"Something _Pinkie Pie_ did ended up with you in Africa? You can't keep that a secret, Nav!"

"I can and I will. I have heard it said that the best way to lose a friend is to tell a secret of theirs that they don't want known. I won't be finding the truth of that out the hard way."

"Psh, fine. Is there anything else you feel like sharing today, or should I go and wallow in unsatisfied curiosity?"

"If I tell you everything at once, what's to keep you coming back for more?"

"What if I promise to not come back unless you give me more?"

"Then I might well see that as a good way to keep some of my secrets hidden. But fine. Since I know you're such a sweet and placid little pony, I don't think I'll give you the Africa entries; they're much too violent for such an innocent thing as yourself," accompanied by a poke on her nose. She gave me one of _those _looks for that. "I can't very well give you either of my naga campaign entries…"

"Wait, when did you fight with the naga? You didn't talk about that when you told us your Africa stories!"

"I can't just tell you _everything _about me, lass! How else am I supposed to stay aloof and mysterious?"

"After reading some of these, I'm starting to think you need to step off your high pony. Fine, keep your secrets. How about the Z entries? You already admitted that, there's nothing more to hide."

"You'd think that. There is plenty of information there that I can't allow into any hands, though. I had to scare Spike half to death after he read them to make sure nothing got out. And don't think you can force the knowledge out of him, either; as I already said, nothing in those entries would do you any good, and there's nothing in there that you need to know."

"Sounds to me like you're actually trying to _hide _something, now."

"I wonder why."

"Psh. What are you hiding, a secret love affair with Princess Celestia?"

_That would be more interesting than one with Luna, if nothing else_. I laughed her off, though, and answered, "Nay, lass. My cutoff age for cougars is thirty years older than I. I believe Celestia is a little bit past that."

"What's a cougar?"

"An older female that romances younger males."

"After reading your description of her here," meaning when I first met her, "I wouldn't be too surprised to find you secretly loving her. Especially after your dealings with the cat in the desert. It appears you tend to attract domineering mares."

"A curse, that is. I have yet to have sex with a woman in this world that wasn't technically rape, though I probably could have stopped the naga if I truly wanted to."

"Oh man, you are making this naga story sound cooler and cooler!"

"It's a shame you'll probably never get to hear it, then."

"You're no fun sometimes, Nav!"

"Only sometimes. At least on a funness scale I generally score higher than spoil sports like Rarity or Twilight. I swear, those two try their hardest to never let me have any fun."

"What about that competition Twilight took you to help her with? Aside from ending up as a pony, you probably had a lot of fun there!"

"True, that was the only time Twilight didn't stop me from doing just about anything." _For better or for worse_. "But as you said, I ended up as a pony because of it."

"You seemed to have a lot of fun there, too. I mean, you learned how to fly, you started taking dance lessons that you never seem to miss now, you for some reason helped Rarity with fashion stuff, and you even managed to seduce Twilight! Which I would have loved to have seen, by the way. I mean, you? Suave and charming? Yeah right!"

"That's probably why Twilight wasn't certain it was me. It was an interesting night, by all accounts. I heard half the mares that went this year wore rather revealing dresses, though I hardly see why; most of them don't wear clothes most of the time anyway."

"Yeah, it was kind of disappointing, without Celestia or the mysterious Z there. Though it was also disappointing even when Celestia was there."

"Formal parties like that aren't supposed to be fun. They exist for politics. If I went there as a newly rich pony, I could probably form massive alliances with some of the more prestigious members of society. In a situation like that in my world, I might arrange marriages, arrange commodity trades, settle border disputes, flirt, and generally just connive my way to power. Here, though, I have no ambitions because no one would accept me as any manner of public leader."

"I don't know about all that. Politics are so boring! I just go to try to be seen by the Wonderbolts."

"Have you ever, I don't know, tried applying for entry?"

"You can do that?"

"I suppose you could. I don't actually know. I would think that would have been the first thing you tried."

"I… I never thought about doing that! You think I would make it?"

"Lass, you managed a Sonic Rainboom twice. They'd be foolish not to take you. Though I don't know if your trail is what they're looking for. They tend to leave lightning behind them, I've heard, while you leave a rainbow."

"I'm sure that'll be the least of my problems!"

"Lass, you'll do fine. Just don't forget what's truly important in life."

"I've already had that lesson. Don't worry, I know friends are important."

"Friends? Yeah, I guess those are important, too. Probably better than what I was thinking, anyway…"

"What did _you _mean?"

"Oh, nothing. It's probably better it isn't said aloud." Actually, friends are what I meant, but I just like being difficult sometimes.

"You're weird, Nav."

"Yeah, I am. It's fun."

She thought for second. "You know, if you were still a pegasus, you could help me train better."

"I'm not good with speed, lass. I get where I'm going when I get there and not a second sooner or later."

"I don't see why most ponies don't seem to care anything for speed. To me, if you're not moving as fast as possible, you're just wasting time!"

"To me, life is a journey. If you don't take some time to look around and enjoy it and to make sure you know where you're going, you'll miss something. You only have one life to live, so there's no reason to risk wasting any of it by skipping something you might enjoy."

"What if all I enjoy is going fast?"

"That is different, but if that's truly _all _you enjoy, you might want to try something else. If you ever do want to, I'm sure Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy wouldn't mind overly much if you joined us for a lesson one day."

"I don't know…"

"What, afraid you're not agile enough? I know you used to go by Rainbow Crash, but I didn't know it applied to when you were also walking…" I knew the easiest way to get her to do something was goading her like that, and it worked. Personally, I didn't care one way or another if she wanted to try, but I figured it would be funny, and since there were two chicks and me there, she would probably end up dancing with a mare, possibly giving her some manner of confidence.

"Oh, you're on! I'll be there, and I'll be the best dancer Pinkie Pie has ever seen!"

"Good. Oh, and you'll probably end up dancing with Pinkie Pie, so that's a plus, I suppose."

"Goo—wait, what?"

I pointed the number distribution out to her. She grimaced slightly, but she couldn't back out now. "Relax, lass. What's the worst that could happen?"

"I could end up banished from her presence or possibly as her eternal slave."

"See, I told Spike that could happen! And he didn't believe me…"

"Huh?"

"Oh, just a conversation we had about Rarity a long time ago, when he asked me for girl advice. We ended up joking about worst case scenarios involving women. One ended up with him banished from Rarity's presence and me as her eternal slave."

"Oh, I'm sure she would love that."

"I would kill myself. I can't abide being bound down like that. My potential wanderlust is too high."

"I know that feeling. That's part of the reason I live in the clouds: I can move my home around if I want." I snorted at the idea of her living in a mobile home. "What?"

"Nothing, just something back from my world." Just then, I heard someone coming up the steps to Twilight's house. I looked at the desecrated book that still held most of my entries and said, "Oh shit, we need to hide this!"

As fast as we could we shoved the entries in it and closed it back. I got it ready just as the door opened and Twilight entered. "Oh, hello Rainbow Dash. I didn't know you liked reading…about cows," she said when she saw the title on the book I was somewhat scared to hide, thinking she might think we were hiding something.

Now, I'm a pretty decent liar, if I do say so myself. But I was completely lost at how to go about explaining this one away. I could tell from the awkward silence next to me that Rainbow Dash was just as lost. Thankfully, Rarity followed Twilight in and I was saved from having to. I think that's one of the few times I was thankful to see Rarity.

Before Rarity could say anything, though, Rainbow Dash fled, saying, "I've gotta see a bear about a thing!" She left me completely holding the bag on that one. If there was any chance of me dropping the book and fleeing as well, I would have been right behind her, but I couldn't take it without logging it and I couldn't leave it without Twilight checking it.

"What was _that _about?" Rarity asked.

"She had a question she wanted answered," I said.

"A question about… the mating habits of cows?" Twilight asked.

"How much of what Rainbow Dash does ever make sense?" I replied. I also resolved to move my hiding places about a bit. Twilight and Rarity would suspect this book now, and Rainbow Dash knew for sure about it. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I really need to get back to… what I was doing."

"No so fast, Navarone," Rarity said. My back was already turned and I was heading to the stairs. I closed my eyes, annoyed, and counted to ten in my head before slowly turning back with a half-smile on my face, eyes once again opened. I could feel my wings twitching a bit, which they sometimes do when I'm dealing with something I'd rather not be. I still had the book in hand, to be stashed in my room until I could deal with it safely.

When I looked, she had that sweet smile on her face that I had seen her use on a few stallions about town to get them to do what she wanted.

I hated that fucking smile.

I decided to remind her about something. "You should know by now that your feminine wiles do nothing against me, woman. I'm not attracted to ponies, remember?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," was the expected answer, and I wasn't disappointed. I couldn't tell if Twilight was amused or confused. "I was just hoping to ask you for a favor."

"I'm listening, but I'll make no promises until I hear the task." I had learned my lesson about that.

"Let's walk, shall we? I've been cooped up inside all day, and I'm sure Twilight doesn't want to be bored by our little discussion."

I raised an eyebrow, but said, "Give me a minute." I went to put the book in my room, grabbed my cloak—it was freaking December, after all—and after half a second of thought I grabbed a dagger. I wasn't expecting to need it, but it did me well when near Rarity to keep it by my side. For sanity's sake, if nothing else.

When I walked back down, I could tell she was itching to go. Twilight was apparently continuing a conversation they were having before they walked in, about one of the finer points of unicorn magic. Rarity used her magic for her arts, but beyond that she didn't much care about exploring it, at least not that I ever saw. I didn't know if I should hurry to help her escape Twilight or take my time to watch her suffer some more.

_Eh, the sooner I get this over with the better._ Never let it be said I don't have some room for mercy in my heart.

So we bid Twilight farewell and went on our way, me with trepidation in my heart and her with a practical prance in her step. That did nothing for my mood.

"So, lass, what did you want to say to me that you didn't want Twilight to hear?"

I don't know if she was surprised that I managed to pick up on that—women are often surprised to find that men actually understand them sometimes—but she answered it all the same: "Remember the modeling you did for me as a pony?" I almost, _almost _turned around and walked away. If I didn't know she would follow me saying _Pleeeeease_! everywhere I went, I would have. I just nodded, a ball of fear forming in my stomach as she continued: "Well, the pictures all caught on! And it wasn't just Fluttershy's old fame that did it, or my extravagant outfits!" I couldn't help but roll my eyes at that one. "No, Navarone, the fashion industry wants _you _as a star! Just think of it!"

"As I've said before, lass, I do my best not to think of it. I see no advantages to be gained in doing something like that, at least none for me."

"I don't see _why _you have such an unreasonable detestation toward the fashion industry, Navarone. You really must get that sorted out. Maybe this is a chance to do that!"

"I'm quite fine with my irrational hatreds, actually. They keep help keep me warm at night, when I'm alone and unable to sleep."

"Well, _I _think such things are unhealthy, and would be happy to help you deal with them. Come on, Nav, when have I ever let you down?"

"You must have a bad memory. It's only been two years."

"I thought you were over that by now! Come on, it was just one time!"

"Where I come from you'd still be in jail for that. But we digress. I've no interest in your bloody fashion industry. I don't want to become a pony again and I don't want to play bloody dress up. I did that out of boredom and because I knew I would hate it enough that it would help pass the time and I wouldn't have to worry about risking a cutie mark." Though now that I know what my mark would have been, I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally getting it. Though if I did get it, explaining that to Twilight would be hard.

She stopped and started toying with some pebbles on the ground with her hoof, then looked up and said, "I didn't want to have to do this, but… I know about Z."

"Congratulations. And what does that do for you?"

"You're not even going to try to hide it?"

"Why bother? It appears that everyone knows about that little jaunt aside from Twilight. And I can explain it away better than you could do by telling her, so I'm in no danger there. And I'd have Celestia back up everything I said. You have nothing on me."

"Is the idea of this so horrible that you wouldn't even do this for a friend?"

_So you wanna play like that, huh?_ "And is your fashion industry so important to you that you would beg a friend to go out of his comfort zone to help you in something he doesn't want to do?" Not much you can say to that, I was hoping.

"I didn't want to use _this _either, but… I already contacted the ponies interested. They'll be here in a few days. I really need your help here, Navarone!" I didn't know if she was telling the truth or not, but I know she looked sincere about it. And she was starting to look worried. That convinced me more than anything. _Merde_... I wasn't going to go down without some swings though.

"And what were you planning on telling them if I said no?"

"I wasn't expecting you to actually say no! Not like this! Please, Navarone, I need you!"

I hate seeing people beg. I sighed. She smiled, seeing that she had won. "You won't regret this! I swear it!"

A week later we were both sitting in a jail cell. She was regretting it more than I was, as she was moaning something about "Ruined, ruined!" I was expecting we would be let out shortly; as a friend to both princesses—even though only one would recognize me now as a pony—I didn't expect the charges against us would hold. Especially not when we got to explain.

Still, it was fucking cold in that cell, so I was kind of regretting having to snuggle against Rarity to keep warm.


	23. Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-One—Why I never want to help Rarity again

Before you ask, I still haven't figured out exactly how the hell it happened. Like, I had no clue, when Rarity was lucid she had no clue, and we were just both completely and totally confused about why we were arrested. But I know that I hadn't actually _done _anything and as far as I knew she hadn't done anything either, so I was guessing it was all just a misunderstanding.

I was more surprised to learn that Equestria even _had _prisons, honestly.

After a few days of waiting in that cold, boring cell, we were finally taken to trial. By that time, Rarity had apparently decided she was an invalid or something and was forced to lean on me for support. When we got inside the courtroom, I about turned around and just went back to my cell. Celestia was there, and she was not looking like she usually did, which was calm, happy, and collected. No, she looked like an avenging angel down to drop judgment on sinners. We were Soddom and Gommorah and she was the divine retribution.

I put on my best poker face.

"Do you understand the charges against you?" Celestia demanded.

"No, actually. I was hoping they could be explained. We weren't told a damn thing."

"You are charged with…" she pretended to go down a list of perpetrators to find our case, "…treason. How do you plead?" _What. The. Fuck._

Rarity almost fainted. I answered for us both, "We plead not guilty." There were whispers from the small crowd behind us, full of one person from the fashion industry that might have been why we were arrested, a few off duty guards that wanted to see the only trial ever in their lifetimes, and a few visiting dignitaries from various parts of the realm.

"Plead your case, then."

"Well, all good tales start at the beginning, I suppose…"

As you probably know, I am normally a human. Well, a human with wings. However, because _a few certain people _can't seem to accept that's how I want to stay, I occasionally find myself in the guise of a pegasus.

My help had just been requested for a sensitive manner, a favor for a friend. The catch, though, was that I had to be a pegasus again to do it. With much trepidation in my heart, I agreed.

An interjection from Celestia: "What was the favor?"

"I was asked to work as a model. Not something I'm a bloody fan of. Not something I'll ever do again, if this is any indication of what happens when I try it."

Anyway, I agreed to the job, because that's the nice kind of guy I am. The… photographer, I suppose is the best term, was due in a few days, so I had some time to get my human affairs in order. There was little to most of what I had to do, so I finished within a day.

Before I was asked to help with this favor, I had been talking to another friend of mine, a mare named Rainbow Dash. She left in quite a bit of a hurry, so when I finished everything I needed to I checked on her. She was fine, and had just thought of something she needed to do. We talked for a spell over inconsequential things (namely, my past experiences with female humans—what little there were, but Celestia and the court didn't need to know that).

I ate my last meal with human hands a day after the request was made, which I suppose is about nine days ago, now. After that breakfast, I had Twilight Sparkle turn me into a bloody pegasus.

The photographer still had another day until he was due, so I threw a cloak over my blank flank and sauntered through town. I had paraded about like that, in the past, as an agent of the crown. Which is technically true, if you think about some of what I've done in the past.

Anyway, I was found by another friend, called Pinkie Pie, and she wanted to test my body in dancing. Pinkie Pie, another friend named Fluttershy, and I all get together every now and then and dance for fun, but I'm always a human when we do it. So we went off to get Fluttershy to find she wasn't there, and couldn't be found.

We did, however, find another friend named Applejack. We managed to coerce her into trying it out, under the guise of a challenge. She and Rainbow Dash are very competitive, and I had just recently invited Rainbow Dash to join us a time or two to see if she liked it. Applejack merely saw it as a chance to get ahead.

So we danced. We couldn't do as much as we would have liked, as Applejack is not a flier, but we were able to plenty.

And then the next day I went to Rarity's shop to prepare for that bloody farce she basically forced me into.

She had learned her lesson from the last time she had worked with a professional photographer, and had outfits laid out if needed.

Then the photographer arrived, and I have never seen a stranger pony in my life, aside from some of my time in an African port city, looking at some of the nastiest cutie marks I've ever had to see.

I won't try to describe her or fake her accent, but she was dressed in some of the strangest bloody clothes… I don't suppose it's my place to judge, but I never really was a fan of any of that fashion show crap. I suppose it could be decent entertainment, but I never got it. To each their own, I suppose.

Anyway, the photographer arrived and her agents started setting up. I think at least one of them noticed my blank flank, and the photographer started muttering something about 'unrivaled potential.'

I was forced into an outfit and told to 'act natural.' For me, I suppose that would be false hauteur and heroism with an underlying constant search for possible exits. Anyway, I did so.

They took pictures and then left without a word. Rather impolite, if you ask me, but whatever. Rarity was nervous. I didn't really care. Sometimes it's nice to do something you have absolutely no connection to one way or another, so you don't care if you succeed or fail.

I was told by a somewhat nervous Rarity to stay as a pony for now, and she sent me home.

I had been accosted more than a few times on the way there by some ponies calling me, for some reason, 'Z.' Knowing what harm it could do to show them my lack of a cutie mark to prove I wasn't this fellow, I just denied their claims and kept walking.

So on the way back I decided to fly instead of walk. While in the air, I almost ran into a hurrying Fluttershy. With nothing else planned for the day, I asked if she needed help.

Her answer was yes. Apparently one of her animal friends had somehow managed to injure itself, and she didn't know what to expect or what she might need when she got there. So off we went.

As it turns out, my help wasn't even needed. It was a small critter that got hurt, small enough for her to easily carry by herself. I didn't know what good I would have been able to do as a pony, but I've found in my years here that any time you don't offer assistance to someone that looks like they need it, you miss out on a possible adventure.

When I left for home then, I realized that, hell, I don't have bloody hands anymore. So writing would be impossible, reading would be a pain, I was even more useless to Twilight, and I really just didn't feel like dealing with an increasingly recalcitrant Spike.

The town was unexplorable, as everyone kept mistaking me for Z, there's only so much you can do in the air, and I had pretty much explored the entire surrounding area by then and knew about every single landmark around it.

I was kind of tempted to go out into a big open area and start messing with clouds, but I know they all get where they are because they're put there, and if they're put somewhere they're probably there for a reason.

I was also tempted to go flying over the big evil forest conspicuously close to town, but I had helped drag one injured flier out of there already and I wasn't planning on risking myself like that. I had done it a few times as a human when I was heavily armed, but I didn't want to take the risk as a pony with nothing but hooves to protect me.

So it was with absolute boredom that I wandered on down to Applejack's farm to offer any help. I won't pretend that I'm stronger than Big MacIntosh, but I did have wings. I figured, if nothing else I could just fly around and watch.

I don't know much about roofing or repairing stuff, but I was able to help fix up some of Applejack's old, decrepit farmhouse and barn back when I was a human. That wasn't the objective of this trip, however; with no hands, operating a hammer and nails would be a bit of a pain.

Of course, since it was December, there wasn't much in the way of farming going on. All the harvests had been done and all the land was lying fallow. I was just bored out of my mind and hoping for something to do.

Big MacIntosh was the first one I ran into, and he didn't know who I was, of course. He hadn't seen me as a pony when I turned on the first time. I had to tell him about the time we got Rainbow Dash drunk to get him to buy that I was me. You ponies are very trusting, I must say.

Anyway, he hastily assured me there was nothing going on that they needed help with, but offered the hospitality of the farm anyway. Since I didn't know much about this fellow other than that he has better morals than I, I decided to chill and talk a bit. He's a pretty cool dude, though somewhat sheltered from being on a farm most of his life.

It didn't take long for my presence to be noted by other parties, however, and I was soon ambushed by the Three Stooges: Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle. Big MacIntosh did nothing but laugh as I strove to get away from them. I had been ambushed by them in the past with… unpleasant results, so I did my best to get away.

It didn't work. When those little lasses get a goal in mind, they usually succeed at that goal. And since I didn't want to risk hurting them, I was hesitant to actually strike back. At least it ended in more of a Mexican standoff this time, as I had a nice little trump card they didn't know about, but that isn't really important. I let them think they won and they disentangled themselves from me.

In response to their questions, I lied and told them I was here to offer help and if none was available I had plans to help Pinkie Pie with something.

I had no such plans, but they would probably want me to do something with them if I didn't have anything else to do, and their ideas of fun often end with me in some manner of either pain or humiliating position.

They were content with that, though perhaps a bit saddened, and wandered off upon hearing the resumption of the conversation I was having with Big Mac. It quickly devolved into my accusations of him collaborating with them, and his hasty and obvious lies of denial. He isn't as bad at lying as Fluttershy, but he's not much better. I let him have it, though, since whatever.

After that our topic somehow got to women, and I don't want to talk about what was said, since there are some women here today. Still, I somewhat have to wander why everyone comes to me, a member from a different species, about picking up mares.

Anyway, after all the wandering that I had done, it was getting rather close to night. I decided to call it early and head on home.

On day three, I was awoken by a very pleased Rarity. I don't want to talk about what it entailed, but she was happy because apparently she had heard back from that fashion chick. If we could get Fluttershy to come out of her retirement, we were basically assured a job.

I was very, very tempted at that point to tell Rarity to bugger off and to turn me back human. I am not a fan of fashion, I don't care for it, and I didn't want to do this in the first place. She… made me an offer that I could not refuse. Looking at where I'm at now, I'm thinking I should have refused it.

Fluttershy was surprisingly easy to convince. Despite hating her time in modeling, she didn't seem to mind coming back to it, as long as, in her words, "It's only temporary, and for helping a friend."

The news was sent back to that chick and she wasted no time in stealing all three of us away, though I don't really know why Rarity was invited. We took some pictures in and around town. Since we were both pegasi, we even took some pictures in the bloody clouds. I saw little appeal in most of what they had us do, but the fashion people looked pleased enough so I stuck with it.

That day was killed quickly enough, with all the bloody pictures we had to take. I swear, I think at the end they were out of film and were just faking the noise and flash of the camera. When they were finished, they called it a day and told us to go on home or whatever. Didn't even see an ounce of gold for it, either…

Anyway, we went our separate ways and went home.

Day four didn't involve any annoying fashion people at all. It was, however, one of our dance nights, between Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and I. It was different, as a pony, but since I'm awesome I managed well enough. Rainbow Dash came by halfway through it to get involved, and ended up dancing with Pinkie Pie for half the night. It's all in good fun.

On day five, Rarity and I were summoned to the train station. Fluttershy was not invited. I had a bad feeling, but I went anyway. The unrefusable offer was still in play, after all.

We spent most of that day traveling to various places, with me modeling with various ponies. I was starting to think Rarity had said something to the head fashion chick about her relationship to me, but I make no accusations. She was there, for whatever reason, and her approval was sought for most of what we did.

Day five ended with us in a pretty spiffy hotel, and with me more pissed than ever at being in a pony body. It is a hard feeling to describe, and if you've never had your body changed you probably can't understand. I kept doing things that to a human would be second nature but to a pony would be either impossible or painful. And having to be on four legs was annoying as piss. And I could feel my fingers, in a way, even though I knew they weren't there. I kept trying to pick things up or touch things, only to feel them slide away against my hard hooves.

But I was promised that this would only last a few more days, and then I could disappear back as a human again.

Day six was pretty much the same as day five, only I spent a lot more time among the wealthy and affluent. The day ended with us chilling in a mansion, where the mistress of the house tried to seduce me, I think, and when she failed I'm pretty sure she put something in my water that I casually swapped with the fashion chick when no one was looking.

Yeah, when she stopped by my room that night she was very surprised to see me awake. I pointed her to Photo Finish's room.

Day seven was pretty similar to the last two, with the exception of Rarity and me getting arrested on the third stop with no explanation. The last few days were spent in a rather cold cell, having to cuddle next to Rarity to keep warm.

It was hell.

Rarity was given time to give her spiel after I told my position. It was, for the most part, an overly dramatic and tear-filled version of mine. She didn't have the dance night, the attempted seduction part, or any of the reluctance.

If I had thought we actually had a chance of being convicted, I would have poked her and told her to stop acting, but I was pretty sure we'd be cleared.

When Rarity finished her testimony, there was relative silence in the court room. I wouldn't be surprised to turn around to see that most of the ponies attending had fallen asleep.

Celestia picked up her gavel with magic, solemnly intoned "Guilty!" and banged it down.

The only thing in my mind was "Well, shit." Then we were hustled back into our cell.

"So," I asked Rarity in one of her moments of lucidity, "what's the penalty for treason?"

"Life or death, depending on the severity of the treason. What did we even do?"

"No clue. Think you can use your magic to send a message?"

"I've tried! This place is walled off against magic. I can cast spells in here, but I can't send anything out." So much for getting help from Luna, even though she probably wouldn't bother anymore. That also meant no luck from the naga, Twilight, any of the cat people that could get here in time to do anything, or any of the surviving ponies that fled Egypt.

(Incoming sex. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

Shortly after Rarity and I had our little talk about the penalties for treason, she spoke up again. At the time, I had my right wing over her back, covering her and holding her against me to keep us both warm. That cell was really bloody cold. I think the guards were doing it on purpose, sadistic bastards.

Rarity said, "I don't want to die like this..."

Before she could continue, I said, "I don't want to die at all. Could be worse; at least we aren't alone."

"That's the thing, Nav! They'll probably separate us if we're going to be killed soon! And they'll definitely separate us if we're to be sentenced to life!"

"Well, that's going to suck. Maybe I should have tried harder to capture Trixie, then… At least _you _would have had some company."

"Capture her? Because of that little contest? Why would that end up with her in prison?" she asked. We never did tell any of them what really happened.

"Well, she turned me into a pony. That kind of sucked."

"But… being a pony wasn't _all _bad, was it?"

I looked at her.

"I know what I did was wrong, Nav. And… I'm sorry I did it."

I rumpled my feathers a bit, and shrugged. "Not like it matters anymore, I suppose. So how did you want to die?"

"I didn't… But if I had to pick, I would want to die being held by the stallion I love."

I snorted. "I can't offer you love, but at least I'm holding you. And at least I'm warm. If they plan to kill us, we can ask that they kill us together. No reason to die alone." I said that more to comfort her than to comfort myself. Death is death, as far as I'm concerned.

"I know you won't love me, but…"

"But?"

She hesitated. "Well, we're either going to die or we're going to be locked up forever anyway… Would you make love to me, before we're broken apart?" At the look on my face, she said, "Please, Navarone! I know you don't exactly think the world of me, but at least give me this last request, this last comfort… For a friend, if for no other reason…"

"You'll be able to protect yourself from pregnancies in here? I really don't want to risk anything, not if we're possibly going to be sentenced to life in prison."

"I'm not in heat; there's nothing to worry about. But if it'll make you feel better…" Her horn glowed for a second, and a light settled inside of her. "I trust, though, that you've learned more… technique… since last time?"

"Don't make me rethink this favor, Rarity," I said, standing up. "Last time you were raping me. I didn't want to give you anything. This time, though…" I smiled.

"I don't know if I like the looks of that…" she said, standing up with me and seeing my smile.

"I think you will. Every night for half a month I spent in the loving embrace of a cat back in Egypt. I learned quite a bit from her. Even though she gave me as much choice in the matter as you did."

She didn't say anything, and started to turn. As she was doing so, I started saying, "Of course, that was a cat body. A pony might be a bit different… We'll see." That last was said as I was looking at her backside, raised a bit in the air. Ponies, I have found, don't know anything about foreplay.

I was going to give Rarity a bit of an introduction.

I took a second to study her from this new angle. I had seen it before, of course, but I was less in control then. I waited for her to say, "Nav, what are you—oooohhh…" I interrupted her question with my tongue. After a few days in a jail cell, she didn't exactly taste that great, but we were given a steady diet of fruits and vegetables, so she was still sweet enough on the inside. I wasted little time making my way in to check, of course; ponies aren't quite like humans, and don't really need that much preparation, but I like to think my efforts were appreciated.

Her moans of pleasure certainly made me think that, at least. And when I found her small clit with my tongue and gave it some nice, special attention, I was rewarded with a gasp, followed by a moan, followed by a weak orgasm.

I pulled my mouth away. "Not even to the main event and you're already cumming? My, my, you really are a bit of a slut, aren't you?"

She was too busy gasping for breath to respond. She was trying to form a coherent response when I mounted her.

"Save your breath, my little jailbird. You're going to need it."

That was the only warning I gave her before I hilted her as best I was able. I sighed lightly in pleasure; she was a nice tight fit, despite what I said. Her response was a gasp of surprise. I gently eased out and slowly pushed back in, teasing her.

"After what you did to me those years ago, I'll admit that I was tempted to just ravish you," I whispered into her ear as I slowly took her, weakly pushing myself deep inside of her and slowly pulling almost all the way out. "But then I remembered something Kat taught me. I think I'll have you begging soon enough, my little toy."

I'll admit, this was torture on both of us. She was squeezing me perfectly, and my slow movements made sure my dick felt every ripple in her walls. But at the same time, I know I was doing even worse to her: I learned from my last time with her and Pinkie Pie that my circumcision left me at least halfway numb as a stallion. I could keep this pace up for at least fifteen minutes.

After five minutes, Rarity was already showing signs of wanting to give in. I was going so slow that she had plenty of time to catch her breath. And when she did, she started begging, just as I had predicted.

"I know—oooh—that this is so unlady-like," a low gasp, "but… HARDER!" I didn't respond, and kept the pace.

After another minute, she tried again. "Nav… Please! It feels so—" a very unlady-like moan cut off whatever she was going to say. I kept going, smiling. It was starting to get to me, and hearing her moans of pleasure didn't help that much either.

A few minutes later, I realized she was trying to wait me out, thinking I was close to giving in and giving her what she wanted.

I set out to prove her wrong. I kept up the gentle, easy pace, smiling the whole time, and happily listened to her try to stifle her moans and gasps.

After a grueling ten minutes of that, she just gave in completely. She practically wailed at me, "Anything! I'll give you anything! Just stop torturing me! Please!"

"Anything?" I gently whispered into her ear. She weakly moaned in response.

I quickly picked up the pace. When she started bucking her hips in response, I knew I was where she needed me. It took us a few seconds to match rhythms, but when we did it made the wait worthwhile. God, Rarity felt wonderful. And the knowledge that we might were going to die soon… Well, it gave me incentive to make it last and make it great.

I think Rarity appreciated my efforts. Not a minute after we started going at it in earnest, she came again. I felt the spasms all over my shaft as I ravaged her, and knew I was close to giving in myself.

To prove I was still in control, I managed to hold on until her orgasm was over to cum. When her small aftershocks finally stopped, I thrust in as deep as I could get and filled her as full as I could, leaving my hot seed deep inside. I felt my wings shoot out. For a few seconds, there was only the sound of her gasps and my deep breathing. Then, slowly, I slid my softening stallion-hood out of her. She let out a small sigh of approval.

When I was fully out, her back legs buckled, and she fell on her stomach. I lied at her side and spread my wing back over her. The only sign we had moved from when we started was the small stain leaking from her pussy, dribbling to the floor.

"Navarone," she finally gasped, "you're evil…"

"I figured you would approve."

"That was…" she stopped.

I tried finishing her for, "Worth being your last time?"

She nuzzled me weakly and smiled. "Not quite how I was going to put it, but if I died now I don't know that I would mind…" _At least that's one of us._

"Now, about that anything you promised me…"

"Oh come on, Nav! That was under duress and you know it!"

"If we survive and somehow get out of this, no more fashion for me."

"If what we have to look forward to is a cell block, I think I agree, actually." There was a lull in the conversation, when she asked, "What was that thing you did, when we first started?"

I explained foreplay to her. When I finished, she said, "That sounds so… crude! But it felt so, soo good! Is there something similar that mares can do to stallions?"

"Yes. There were whole books written on the subject back in my world. There are all manner of positions, including some where both parties can stimulate each other at the same time."

"How… how does it work?" she weakly asked.

"I would offer to show you, but I'm going to need a bit of recharge time, lass."

She rolled her eyes and muttered something that sounded like 'Stallions!' Her horn glowed briefly, and then she lightly touched me with it. "Better?" she asked.

I most definitely was feeling better.

I stretched a bit, and said, "Before we get started… um, clean yourself out a bit."

"Wha—oh." She looked and saw that she was still leaking. "This is all your fault, you know!"

"Yes, it is my fault that your last request was sex. Well, second-to-last." I looked away while she did… something… to mostly clean herself up. I had to think of something to get me hard again anyway; ponies have nothing for me.

"Ready?" she finally asked. I turned to look at her. Despite the few days in a grimy jail cell, her purple mane still practically shined in the weak light, and still retained its basic shape. Her eyes were lit up a bit, despite the circumstances. Her determination touched me. I nodded.

"So how is this going to work?" she asked. I lied down on my back, fully exhibiting my shaft.

"I hope you don't have much of a gag reflex," I said. "Lay down on my chest, so we're angled opposite ways."

"…what?" she finally asked, looking at me like a retard.

I sighed. "Put your head," I pointed at her head, "to my head," I pointed at the tip of my dick.

She giggled slightly. "Well, I'm glad you never said you were a gentle-colt…" she said, and then did as I said.

"So do I just sort of… lick it?" she asked, when she got settled on top of me.

"If you were a human, you would open wide and suck it, lick it, and all manner of other things. I don't know how wide you can open your mouth, though, and it's a bit of a stre—" My breath caught. Apparently, she can open her mouth wider than I thought.

She only took the first few inches, at the start; I don't imagine she was used to having anything like that in her. Either way, I wasn't complaining. At least, not until… "Hey, no teeth!" I yelled, and shuddered. She grunted by way of apology, and continued.

I took a look at what was in front of me, and figured I could return the favor. One good thing about this pony body was that my head had quite a bit of maneuverability. Despite Rarity being several inches smaller than me, I was able to dip my head in close enough to get my tongue at her pussy. As soon as I dipped my tongue in her honeypot, she answered with a deep moan that I felt all along my shaft.

She was hardly a pro, but she took to the job with relish. I answered her efforts with my own private battle. We went back and forth like that for a good while. I viciously attacked her clit, and she did her best to deep throat me, without even knowing the term for it. My efforts were eventually rewarded with her gently squirting in my face.

I smiled and slowly lapped the liquids off her and my face, and then continued on. I was getting close, but still had a small ways to go…

Not a minute after that thought hit me, Rarity did… something… with her tongue. I lost it immediately and came fully in her mouth. She gave a grunt of surprise, and I imagine she widened her eyes. She took it like a champ, though: Swallowed every drop, and tried to suck more out of me. With all the fruits I had been eating over the past few days, I imagined my cum was pretty sweet tasting.

Eventually, I gently eased myself out of her, and lifted her off my chest. "That's enough, Rarity. I'm spent."

She huffed, but said, "Is that anything like how your _human girls_ do it?"

"Rarity… are you _jealous_?" That would be quite a tale to tell back home. A girl that got mad because she didn't know how to give a blowjob.

She quickly answered, "No! Of course not." After seeing my look, though, she said, "Well, it just doesn't seem fair to me! Why would you humans come up with something like this while we had no idea?"

"Because humans often use sex to relieve stress and have fun and other things like that. And it's somewhat stigmatized, so we have to come up with ways to do it quickly, or hide it or something like that. So we have all kinds of methods for it." We lay back down in our original positions. Sex was a great way to warm the blood, but it was still very cold in there.

"It's a shame we're going to be separated soon, then… If we somehow get out, and this all ended up as the result of a mistake… Would you be willing to show me more?"

I looked at her, looking at me with her wide blue eyes, a gentle sparkle in them betraying her nervous hope. "If we survive, and you still want it, I'll show you some."

(Sex is over)

After making us cool our heels—or hooves, in this case—for a day, Celestia came by the cell to deliver our sentence. I didn't know at the time why she did it there instead of in the court, but at the time I also didn't care.

When she walked in, I greeted her: "Howdy, Big C! I don't suppose you're here to change your mind?"

"That's a rather irreverent way to greet somepony who holds your fate," she answered, glaring down at me.

"Well," I answered, "you already know that if you sentence me to life in prison, I'll kill myself. If you sentence me to exile as a pony I'll kill myself. If you sentence me to death, then I might kill myself just to spite you.

"And if I make sure you have no ways of killing yourself in your cell?"

"You should never underestimate the human mind when it comes to planning violence. I _will _find a way to die, if it comes to that."

"That's a shame. I came here to sentence you to life."

Rarity started whimpering and crying. I replied, "You monster!"

"You finished?" Celestia asked.

"Yeah, I'm good. What kind of life?"

"Whatever kind of life you'll make for yourselves. You're free to go. I don't even know why you were arrested. Probably some archaic law invoked by that noblewoman you spurned. I only pronounced you guilty to see what would happen. I've never been able to do that before!"

"Cool, when can we leave?"

Rarity, however, was not at all cool with it. "You… WHAT! What kind of immortal princess are you?"

"The kind that gets bored a lot," I answered for her. "Duh. Let's go, lass. And no more fashion stuff for me."

It wasn't as simple as that, though. Rarity was in full blown psycho mode. Celestia ended up silencing her with magic and I led her away. It was kind of funny.

But I knew it would be a bad idea to let her know Celestia was like that. When we got them apart, I said to Celestia, "We should probably find a way to make her forget this trial and arrest happened. And we should also probably find me some clothes and turn me human again, but that can wait until I get home, I guess."

"I agree about making her forget. Some ponies just can't handle having a leader that gets bored sometimes. One day I'll have to tell you about the time I spent a year disguised as a chair, just to see what would happen when I disappeared for so long."

_Oh man, the wrong sister fell in love with me…_ "Celestia, you're awesome."

Celestia used her magic to put a still fuming Rarity to sleep, and made her forget the past few days. Then she put us on the train and sent us back to Ponyville. I suppose it was an interesting way to spend a week and a half.

When we got back, I poked Rarity until she woke up, managed to convince her she was too stressed if she didn't remember those days, told her not to worry about it, walked her back to her home, and then got myself turned back into a human.

When asked by Twilight how it was, I just said, "Never again." To both being a pony and the fashion industry, I was hoping; I was tired of both, and this was the longest time I had spent in that form yet. If that fashion chick came back around here trying to find my pony body, I had plans to hole up on a cloud with my crossbow and dare her to come and get me.

I was tempted to brag to Spike about my temporary closeness with Rarity, but she didn't remember and he was being dickish enough as it was. Seriously, I needed to go into the forest soon to kill something for us both. It was only my previous experience trying to hunt in there that stopped me. Well, that and the risk of killing one of Fluttershy's friends.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Two

I take a lot of walks, if you haven't realized that already. I have a lot of free time, since I don't really have much of a job other than assisting Twilight and anyone else that asks me for help. I had proven my use as an agent of sorts, I suppose, so Celestia was more than happy to make sure I never really went hungry. I didn't really _like _freeloading, but at the same time I knew without a cutie mark I wouldn't really be accepted for anything more than odd jobs—which I did plenty of, if any of the ponies were ever brave enough to approach me about helping them.

Anyway, that's a lot of build up for saying I was walking in the park in the middle of winter, thinking about something to do and trying to escape the cold through the labor of putting one foot in front of the other. I was bundled up in the warmest clothes friendship and repressed guilt can buy.

Since Ponyville gets so snowy in the winter, there are usually very few park goers or the like out enjoying it. I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy snow as a child, so you can understand that when I first realized this place got snowy I was overjoyed.

Then I found out how much snow really, _really _sucks. It's fun if it lands and sticks for a few days and goes away. It's a lot less fun when it sticks for weeks and you have to constantly shovel it since this damn village doesn't believe in using magic to solve problems like that.

But I digress yet again. I was walking through the snowy, cold park when I heard music in the distance. Sad, sad music. It sounded rather familiar, so I made my way to it. I crested a mound of snow that I recognized as a bench in warmer months and found Lyra sitting under her tree, playing that sad song she played the first time I met her. It looked like she had been crying.

I walked over and cleared a small space out on the ground and joined her. She didn't look up until the last notes faded away. Normally when she saw me she put a smile on her face, but today she didn't seem to be able to manage it. Honestly I don't know if it's me she liked or just my hands, but I've never brought that up.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She sighed and let her instrument drop back down to its case. "It's… Bon-Bon," she finally said. "I think she might love me so much more than I love her. I really care for her, but… I don't know, Navarone. I think she might want marriage but I'm not sure if I'm ready." _This world has marriage?_ "I don't know what to do…"

"I'm having a somewhat similar problem, Lyra," I answered. "If you love her, though, you love her. That's really all there is to it."

"I know, but I don't _know _if I love her! She's always been there for me and it always seems like she's doing so much more for me than I'm doing for her… It doesn't seem fair, what she does for me. Especially when I give so little in return."

"If she is still doing things for you then she's obviously getting something in return just from the simple act of helping. Now tell me, what do you know of love?"

She blinked, not expecting that question. "It feels… good," she said after a moment. "You never want to leave the pony you're with. You hurt when they hurt. If things go sour you care more about patching it up than you do about placing blame." She gave a shuddering sigh.

I answered her sigh with one of my own as I dredged up from memory, "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." That's the second time I got to use that. Maybe I should make a list of good quotes from my world and keep it around for reference.

She nodded slowly. "That sounds like Bon-Bon. But I don't know if it sounds like me."

"I can't help you there, my friend. I have seen you two together and I know you're happy together, but beyond that I don't know. I have no idea what your home life is like. Though I also don't know what a typical pony home life is like, so I guess that's not really any different. The only advice I can give you is to not feel pressured into getting married before you're ready because you feel like you owe Bon-Bon for being there for you. Down that road lies pain and resentment."

"So what do you suggest I do?"

"I don't really know," I answered. "As I said, I have the same problem. I personally suggest talking to her. I know that it can't be an easy subject, but it is usually better to have such things out in the open rather than leaving them to fester inside of you. You'll have to make your own decision as to whether or not to do that, though; I know I would have a very, very hard time doing it, and would rather come to grips with it myself rather than risking their feelings by bringing it up. Even though I know that's a bad idea, of course."

She gave me a small smile at that. "Stubborn, Navarone?"

I shrugged. "I'm bad at taking advice. Either way, though, I hope you'll do what will make you happy, because in the long run that's what will make Bon-Bon happy. Oh, and don't tell her any of this advice was mine unless it works out for the best; she seems like the clingy jealous type, and might try to hurt me if it goes sour for her in the short run."

I got a full smile for that. "She always was jealous of you, Nav," she admitted. "She doesn't have fingers like you do."

I held up my hand and slipped my glove off. "Why would she be jealous?" I asked, flexing my fingers. "Sure, having fingers makes me better than most ponies, but I'm sure she has some manner of redeeming qualities!" The way I said it made it obvious that it was a joke.

She giggled. "She's jealous because of what you told me the first day we met. How having fingers makes things so easy to… _stroke_." _Oh. Ew._ "She's mad that she can't touch me like you can." _Welp, this just got really uncomfortable._

"There's a spell that turns humans into ponies and ponies into humans," I said. She perked up immediately. "It's incredibly hard to cast if you have a cutie mark, though." She drooped a bit.

Only to perk up enough to ask, "Is Twilight strong enough to cast it?"

"I don't think so. I think she's strong enough to turn me into a pony, but I don't think she can turn an adult pony into a human. Celestia or Luna could, but good luck convincing them to. And trust me when I say the change is so jarring that you would probably be too disoriented to enjoy it much."

She rolled her eyes. "How bad could it be?"

I described the problems Twilight and I had adjusting to different bodies.

When I finished she shrugged. "I could get over it, if it meant having fingers… Especially if I still had magic!" Her horn glowed and I felt my hands go rigid. "I don't suppose you'd mind if I played with yours again?" she asked.

"Just be careful," I answered. "Don't do anything with them that I wouldn't do if I was controlling them."

She gave a look of what I thought might have been disappointment before jerking me closer. She spun around and ran my fingers through her mane. Then my hands went to her back. And then they went to her flank.

"That's far enough, Lyra," I said before she could pull them anywhere else. She shuddered as my hands returned to my own control. I pulled them away from her and moved back to my patch of cleared grass.

When I got settled back down, I saw she was looking at me. "You said you didn't know much about my home life," she said. "So I don't suppose you knew Bon-Bon is something of a voyeur?" I really didn't like what she was implying.

"I didn't know that," I answered. "It seems odd to me that a jealous girl would be happy watching someone else have sex with you, though."

"I thought the same thing when I found out," she said. "We had a bit of a talk about it, though. It seems she gets off to the feeling of protection it instills in her." That's really creepy. And it might be a lie.

I don't want to hurt her feelings, but if it comes down to it I'll straight up tell her no. "That's strange, but I suppose to each their own. I don't really know why you feel like telling me that, though."

She smiled. "Relax, Nav. You already made your point clear. I'm disappointed but I understand. That was just a warning on the off chance you run into me having sex in a public place and think I'm cheating on her because of the conversation we just had."

I let out a sigh of relief. "I'll remember that, then." _So there actually are reasonable women on this planet._

Her horn glowed as she picked up her instrument again. "I still don't feel perfect about my… love life, but I do feel a bit better now. Would you care to hear me play some more?" I nodded, a smile back on my face. She began to caress the strings with her magic, the song she was playing a much happier contrast to the one I found her playing.

Not much really happened from that point until during Winter Wrap Up, and I only include this because I feel it is sadly necessary.

Yes, reader, I write about the time I finally got caught in the magic of the song.

Now, I had seen several of these songs happen in the past. The first year's Winter Wrap Up, near the end of the Gala while Twilight and I were dancing—I only mention that one now because I didn't even notice it at the time, and it was only made known to me when I asked Twilight about it—on the boats to and from Africa, a bunch of Pinkie Pie's songs that she seems to make up and practice all the time, and when we got all the ponies in Ponyville trashed—though I don't remember that one either.

Anyway, I was in my second Winter Wrap Up, on my third year in Ponyland, when I got caught in the damn singing magic. I was the first one, you see, so I didn't have time to build up any resistance to it.

Basically, as soon as I stepped outside Twilight's house I was punched in the face by the song magic. There's not any other way I could really describe it. I know my voice sounded considerably better than it was supposed to, and it fit perfectly with what everyone else was singing, but I was definitely the first one to start it.

Dude, I don't even want to talk about what it was we sang about. I will say, though, that it was a lot darker than the usual pony songs, but not necessarily in a bad way. It gave hints at the Luna situation, the Kat situation, and my time as Z, but no specifics. I have no idea how the ponies managed to keep up or how any of it fit together, but I guess that's magic for you. It was also fitting for winter, thought maybe not for a day that was supposed to be happy.

It did end on a very pleasant note, however, with Fluttershy popping in about a better tomorrow and a coming spring. I find myself hoping as I write this that the message imparted there would be true, and that the going would get easier. But I never did believe in storybook endings.

If nothing else I was hoping I wouldn't run into any more psycho women.

Oh, and a side note, in case anyone reading this is wondering: Whenever you get caught up in the song magic, none of the ponies will ever hold anything you sing about against you. It is mostly uncontrollable and it's impossible to determine who might be the next victim, so there's the unofficial rule that anything sung about will never be asked about or brought up. Not like anyone is reading this, though.

The rest of Winter Wrap Up was pretty chill. I helped Fluttershy again, since that was pretty much all I knew. The animals were getting used to me anyway.

Still, fuck singing.

Oh, and Pinkie Pie did throw me a party for my birthday, in case you were wondering. Sadly, for a twenty-first birthday, there was very little drinking, and none of what was done was alcoholic. We used almost all of the booze for the big returning home party, and the rest was saved up in case I needed it for anything that wasn't drinking related.

It was one of her typical parties, with hooting and hollering and all that carrying on. I pretended to enjoy it to humor her, but I really don't much care for stuff like that, never did.


	25. Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three—Dammit Twilight. Also, fuck dragons.

I woke one morning to Twilight standing over me with a smile on her face. I really want to say that this was unusual, but she did that a lot. Sometimes her smile was scary, sometimes it was warmer. It always meant she wanted or needed something.

Today her smile was relatively neutral. "Want to help me dig a trench?" she sweetly asked.

"No," I said, sitting up. "Let me get my gloves. Where are we putting it?" I started going through my drawers looking for my trusty leather gloves. They were weighted, but I wasn't about to use a shovel without them.

"Just outside town," she answered. "The dragon migration is today, and we all want to watch it without fear of being seen or attacked."

"Isn't Fluttershy terrified of dragons?" I asked as I pulled the gloves out and slipped them into a pocket—I don't sleep in pajamas, just in what I wear during the day. And there was no reason to change if I was about to get sweaty by digging a trench.

Look, I'm a guy; I get to have liberties like this.

"I'm sure she'll come around. This is a once in a lifetime event!" she answered. I followed her down the stairs and out the door. Spike, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie were waiting for us outside. "Lead Navarone to where we're going to set up, girls. Spike and I will find Rainbow Dash and go talk to Fluttershy."

Spike gave Rarity one last look before he walked off with Twilight. Rarity was staring at me in disdain. "Navarone, is that what you wore yesterday?"

"It might not be," I answered. She was wearing a suit of camo finery. It was somewhat humorous.

Pinkie was grinning ear to ear, as usual. "Leave off, Rarity!" she said. "We're going to see _dragons_! There's no time to worry about changing today!"

"Pinkie has the right idea," I said. "Now lead the way. I apparently have a trench to help dig."

Rarity just shook her head sadly and bemoaned the fact that she was surrounded by those with no sense of fashion. It was a pretty whiney speech, and I don't feel like writing it down. At least she did it while we were walking.

She was launching into another set of complaints when I turned to Pinkie. "I have never asked you this before, and I will deny it if you ever tell anyone I did, but can you start singing to shut her up?"

Pinkie's smile somehow grew wider as she launched into some song or another. I didn't really pay attention, but I knew it shut Rarity up. Then Pinkie mysteriously disappeared and started showing up in places that shouldn't be possible, but I had seen all of that before as well so it didn't faze me too much. Either way, the song didn't stop so Rarity was still forced to be quiet, though it didn't stop her from glowering angrily at me.

By the time Pinkie's song was over we were there. Applejack already had a few shovels set up and was working on the trench. I grabbed one and joined her.

Shovels in this world… they seem to be designed for humans rather than for ponies. I have absolutely no idea how Applejack was using it, and I was watching her do it. I just started at the other end of the marked zone and hoped to meet her in the middle.

Before we got there, Rainbow Dash and Twilight showed up with no Fluttershy. Spike apparently went back to grab refreshments or something. Twilight grabbed one of the shovels with magic and started clearing the middle of the trench.

"Why don't you just magic all the dirt out of the way?" I asked, my voice weary.

Rainbow Dash face-hoofed and Twilight blushed. Her shovel dropped to the ground and all the remaining dirt lifted up and dropped some distance away. Well, that was a waste of effort on the parts of me and Applejack. I just threw my shovel into the ground in disgust and leaned against the trench wall. After a moment I slipped my gloves off and slid them into a pocket. The ponies jumped in, making the area as homey as possible for some reason. I had a suspicion that as soon as we were done here the hole would be filled in again, but whatever.

We waited a bit, the girls talking of some inane thing or another. I was just watching the skies, waiting to see a large cloud of dragons coming at us. Spike showed up at some point, but I didn't really pay much attention until he stopped a little trolley full of foodstuffs in front of me.

I looked down at him, to see him casting furtive glances at the sky. "Well Spike," I said, "you wanted to learn more about dragons. I suggest watching them closely." I grabbed something off the trolley. "If nothing else, you'll always be a bitchin' cook."

He nodded slightly.

Pinkie was suddenly in my face. "I've never heard you use _that _word before! What's it mean?" Man, we humans have way too many ways of saying something's good.

"It's a thing you shouldn't say," I answered. "You're too young and innocent."

"And you're not?" she asked, her hair and smile drooping slightly.

I patted her on the head. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." How old _were _these ponies, anyway? I had been to several birthday parties, but I had never heard any mention of age.

She was about to say something else when Twilight got everyone's attention. "They're coming!" she squealed with glee. All of the ponies hunkered down, trying to maximize their visibility while minimizing their chances of getting seen by a dragon. I don't know how that was supposed to work, given the dragons were_ flying above us_, but whatever. I just sat down and watched.

It was pretty cool, watching them all fly above us. We got to see a few of them get in fights, jockeying for position. Twilight was taking notes, Rainbow Dash was talking all about their flying abilities to Applejack, and Rarity was commenting on how they looked to Pinkie Pie. Spike was just staring in wonder.

I don't know how long we were out there, but the dragons just kept bloody coming. After some time, Spike nodded to himself and whipped the covering off the second part of the trolley. He started pulling things out. The others were still watching the dragons, but I turned my gaze down just in time to catch my crossbow being thrust at me. I reflexively grabbed it.

I looked down at Spike and saw the look on his face. I smiled and slung the crossbow over my shoulder. He passed me several belts of knives and a very full quiver. When I had all of my equipment, he started shoving food from the trolley into the cloth he had it covered with. When it was as full as he could get it, he finally looked around for something. With a smile, he grabbed the shovel and bagged the cloth up and tied it to the end. He looked like a grave robbing hobo when he hefted it over his shoulder, but it was funny.

"Are you sure about this?" I finally asked him.

"I've never been more sure," he answered, nodding grimly.

The girls finally noticed what we were doing. "What's going on?" Twilight asked, looking at all of my weapons in confusion. Her eyes went to Spike's bindle and widened considerably. "What do you two think you're doing?"

"Going for a walk," I innocently replied.

"Yeah," Spike added. "We might be home late, so don't stay up waiting."

Twilight didn't much care for that. "And what does _that _mean?" she demanded.

"It means we're going on a walk, and for you to not expect us back soon," I said. "We'll be back when we get back, and not a second sooner."

"You're NOT thinking about following those rough beasts, are you?" Rarity simpered.

I looked at her for a moment, turned my gaze down to Spike, and looked back up to her. "I'm not thinking about doing anything. I know what we're going to do, though."

"They'll tear you apart!" Rainbow Dash said.

I shrugged. "Spike wants to go. He might need help getting to them. If he needs my help, I'm going to make sure he gets it. I'm loyal like that, you see." Nothing she could say to that.

"She's right, sugar cube," Applejack said. "Them dragons are dangerous! There ain't no tellin' what they might do to y'all."

Spike's turn to answer: "I'm going all the same. I want to know more about myself, and if none of you ponies are willing to help me I'll have to do it myself." He paused. "With Nav's help, of course."

Twilight looked us both up and down. Spike was glaring at them all. I was just standing easily, leaning slightly against the wall. I was probably wearing a smile, but I couldn't tell for sure. "This is stupid," she finally said. "But I won't stop you." She thrust her book of notes at me. "Just take notes!" I slipped the book, her quill, and the ink bottle in a large pocket. I love cargo pants.

Most of the others stared at her in surprise. Pinkie just jumped back in my face somehow and dropped a bag of confectioneries on me. "Come back safe!" she merrily said.

"Thanks, Pinkie," I answered, shouldering the bag of goods. "We'll be fine." I stepped out of the trench and pulled Spike up. "We'll be back when we're back," I told them.

Without another word, Spike and I took our leave, following the dragons. Before we were out of earshot, I leaned down a bit to Spike and said loud enough for them to hear, "They're going to follow us." He shrugged.

We followed the trail of dragons for two days, sleeping where we could and scrounging up food when we ran out. I shot some small game and stripped it down and Spike cooked it as we walked. I know the girls behind us were probably sickened by that, but I didn't really care.

They were really, really bad at following us. I pointed them out several times to Spike, and we turned and waved several times, to see them scrambling away to hiding spots. I only saw Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash. I know Pinkie and Applejack have real jobs to attend to, so they probably stayed behind. Although… if Pinkie was trying to track us, I would probably never see her until she was right in front of my face.

We finally made it to the edge of a large mountain that looked like a volcano. There were dragons everywhere above us, flying and fighting and whatnot.

"Well, we're here," I said. He started climbing the volcano. I grabbed him. "Spike, this is your last chance. If you go up there, things might change. Are you sure you want to do this?"

He looked at me. "Absolutely," he answered.

I let him go. "Lead the way. I won't go over the lip unless you want me to, but I'll at least pull recon with you."

He started back up and I followed him. It took us more time than it should have to get up the side, but given that it was a sheer rock face I don't think it was that bad. We were both panting by the time we got there. I would have flown, and flown some on the way in, but I didn't know if any of the dragons above us would have attacked me thinking I was something worth eating.

We laid against the top, looking down into the massive area in front of us. We saw all manner of dragons doing all manner of things. Some were wrestling, some were actually fighting, some were talking, some were hoarding, some were relaxing, some wer—I turned my gaze away, and made sure Spike wasn't watching either.

He pointed to a group of dragons that were smaller than most of the 'adult' dragons. They looked to be more violent than most of the other dragons, and seemed to be challenging each other to all manner of things. "I think they would be a good place to start," he said. "They're only a little bit bigger than I am, and might be more willing to talk because of it."

"Hold on," I answered. "Let's watch a bit longer." He sighed and his gaze wandered. I watched the group he pointed out. They were definitely doing a lot more physical stuff than the others. They reminded me of… "Teenagers," I said aloud. Spike's gaze jerked back to me. "Those dragons down there are teenagers, Spike. Whatever you do, avoid that group."

"So what's wrong with teenagers?" he asked.

"They'll be mean to you for the sake of seeing you suffer, if I judged their group correctly. They might bully you, try to get you to do things you can't, attempt to steal from you, or who knows what else. Just avoid them, is all. Try to find a small group of adults." He sighed.

It took us half an hour to find a pair I would feel comfortable sending Spike to. I pointed them out. "They might be a safe bet," I told him. "They seem like a young couple to me, and might be willing to talk to you."

"I don't know, Nav. They seem pretty… boring."

They did. They were just looking around, seeming somewhat lost themselves. But they were definitely dragons and they were older than Spike, so it would be better than nothing.

"Just talk to them. Maybe they'll be able to either help you or point you to someone who can."

He looked at them and then back to me. "I don't suppose… Can you come with me?"

That was the question I didn't want to hear. I had no idea what might happen if I appeared. I might get eaten or worse. I licked my lips nervously and looked around one more time. After a moment I reached around and pulled my crossbow out and cocked it. "Be ready to speak out for me, if I am accosted. And if any of the adults tell me to leave, I'm gone. If I do get kicked out, make sure to ask how you get your wings, if nothing else."

With that, we stood and jumped down into the volcano proper. Most of it was covered in stone, with only the occasional breaks showing magma—or lava? I don't know which. Honestly, I expected every one of the dragons to immediately turn my way as soon as I made myself visible. Thankfully, none of them seemed to notice us immediately.

We began a steady pace toward the couple I pointed out, doing our best to skirt around the other dragons in our way. I was starting to be noticed, but I didn't see anyone looking at me in anger. I drummed my fingers along the crossbow nervously, seeing several dragons turn their gazes my way. I wasn't expecting the crossbow to be able to do much damage to them other than piss them off, but… I wasn't about to let myself be eaten—at least, not eaten alive.

The two we were walking to noticed us now. I saw Spike was staring dead at them. My eyes were trying to look everywhere at once: I was in dragon country, and there was no stopping here.

We made it to the dragon couple after nearly ten minutes of walking, and I was pretty sure every dragon here had looked us over at least once. I was starting to sweat from nervousness. At least back in Egypt I was hidden from eyes; here I was standing in plain sight and everyone was looking at me.

"Can we help you?" the male dragon rumbled at us when we stopped a few feet in front of them.

We stared at them for a moment. Spike looked up to me. I gulped. "My uh… My friend would like to ask you some questions, if you wouldn't mind." Dragons, if you didn't know, are bloody huge. Those 'teenage' dragons were bigger than I am. They were bigger than the naga. These dragons we were talking to were about twice the size of the teens.

The male dragon turned to look at his female companion. After a moment he turned back to us with a smile of sorts. "What kind of questions would he like to ask?" he asked.

I opened my mouth to respond when Spike finally spoke up: "I want to know who I am!" he said. "No pony knows anything about dragons, so I came here to find out more about myself."

The male laughed. "No _pony_?" the male wheezed. "You truly don't know anything, do you?"

The female stuck a claw on the male's shoulders. She looked down at Spike, "Little one, where were you hatched?"

"Canterlot, in a magic school," he answered, his voice cracking. I couldn't stop from ruffling my wings slightly when I heard his voice.

Their smiles dropped. "You don't know your parents, do you?" the male asked. Spike shook his head, dropping his gaze. I slung my crossbow and put my hand on his head. The male turned to me. "And what is _your _part in this, creature?" he growled. "Were you one of those that hatched him?"

"No, I know nothing of magic or dragons. He asked for my help to get here, and I got him here. Hell, I'm in a similar predicament as him; the ponies brought me here as well, and I've been stuck among them ever since."

"Filthy magic!" the female hissed. "When will they learn not to delve into things they have no place in?"

"Whenever they start paying for their actions," I answered. "Would you mind answering questions for him?"

They both looked down at Spike. The male looked up to me and said, "Of course we will. However, some things can't be spoken of while another race is around. My mate will give you a tour of the area while I talk to your friend."

I don't think I could have said no to that if I tried. "I will not be attacked by any of the dragons, will I?" I asked.

"You might be questioned," the female answered. "But none will attack you if you are in the company of a dragon."

"Very well," I said. Before another word could be said, one of the female's claws shot out, snatched me, and we were suddenly airborne. This was not going at all as I was expecting it to. "I have wings!" I tried shouting up at her. Her only reply was laughter. I just sighed and looked around at the world. It was quite a harrowing sight, as we were moving considerably faster than I could myself.

Thankfully, she set down on a small mountain a few miles away from where we left Spike. She did not, however, let me go. "Tell me more about the little one, creature," she said, holding my up to her face.

"He is working as an assistant to the unicorn that hatched him with magic," I answered. "He has several friends where he lives and works. He even has a crush on one of the ponies. I don't suppose you could let me go?"

"I will. Later. What kind of work does he do as an assistant?"

"Cook, clean, make sure the mind of his unicorn stays down-to-earth. His unicorn lives in a library, and there is a lot of organization to be done. He is quite invaluable. I really don't like being constricted. Can you at least loosen your grip?"

She did that much, at least. I was able to move around easier, and spread my wings a bit. She noticed that, and drew one of the claws from another hand across them gently. My body went a bit stiff as my mind had flashbacks from Kat. "Feathers are quite interesting little things," she said. Her claw reached the end of my wings and she gently clamped the end of the wing down and gave it a little pull. I flinched. "Oh, does that hurt?"

"Opposite of hurt, actually," I said, grimacing. "You have a mate, so I would appreciate you not touching my wings." I folded them as best I could against me.

"My apologies, creature," she said, withdrawing her hand. "I did not realize. I have more questions, if you are willing to answer them."

"Ask. If I know answers, I will give them."

"Do you know Celestia?"

"Yes, I do."

"What can you tell me about her?"

"She's old and powerful and rather kind. She definitely knows how to rule, and I know that I am not in a hurry to piss her off."

She nodded. "Now what can you tell me about yourself?"

"I am a human, accidentally summoned here by the little dragon's unicorn. Pretty early on I was involved in a magical accident and ended up with wings on my back." I shrugged. "There's really not that much to tell."

"What is that hunk of wood you carry?"

I unslung the crossbow and hefted it lightly. "This is a weapon. It shoots darts at whatever I point it at."

She snorted. "And do you really think that would help you against a dragon?"

"No, but I wasn't planning on using it against a dragon. If I was attacked, I wasn't going to let myself get eaten alive."

"I see… Tell me of your life then, human. I believe we have some time before the other two are finished."

I told her most of what I could tell her. Nothing involving my relationships with the princesses, but she did ask for excruciating details about the Kat thing I went through. It was kind of nice, actually being able to talk with someone about that…

"And you actually _want _to go back to the ponies?" she asked, shocked, when I finished.

"Stockholm syndrome kicked in some time back," I answered with a shrug. "And unless I have some way of nullifying magic, I don't think I _could _stay away; Celestia or Luna would just pull me back eventually."

"Even if you didn't want to go back? I thought you said they were kind."

"If they don't need me, yeah, they are rather kind. But when I have a chance of being useful to them I don't think they'll let me hide somewhere else."

"That sounds rather… cruel, to me," she answered.

"Someone has to help them. I suppose it is better that it is someone like me who has no place than one of her own kind that has a family."

She shook her head. "Foolish. If Celestia cannot do her own dirty work, why does she deserve to have someone else do it for her?"

"I see where you are coming from, and you do have a point, but just because she doesn't handle the dark work doesn't mean she can't. Being the ruler of around half the planet is a very busy venture. No one can do everything themselves, even if they are as powerful as she is."

"She has you brainwashed," the dragon asserted.

"Perhaps. But if I am doing good in the world, does it really matter who I do it for, or why? And if I truly am stuck in this world, it might as well be somewhere that I'm happy and somewhere that I have friends. If the price is that I occasionally have to do hard things, is that truly so much to ask?"

"You young races always seek to find purpose in your lives. You always seek to live for something! Is not the simple act of living enough for you?"

"Maybe if I could live as long as you. But with my limited life, I know I have much less of a chance to affect the world, so I have to do what I can with the time I'm given."

She shook her head again, saying, "I'll never understand you young ones. There's just no reasoning with you." She tightened her grip. "Come. I'm sure they are done talking by now." With that, she leapt back into the air. We soared back to the main mountain.

When we got there, we found a large group of dragons surrounding two very familiar looking unicorns, a bundle of shiny cloth that looked like it might have been a costume, and Spike. We landed on the outskirts and she released me. I easily squeezed through the ranks of dragons. "It's them or us, kiddo," I heard the male dragon saying. "And from the looks of things, I don't think they'll get that far away from here either way."

I walked out from the crowd. "You'd sentence them to death?" I asked, trying to make my voice sound like something other than terrified. "For what crime?"

Everyone's gaze shifted to me. I saw that Twilight and Rarity were incredibly scared, and Spike was standing in front of them defensively.

"Spying. The purple one breached the laws of nature to force the hatching of Spike. The white one is ugly." Rarity huffed rather darkly at that one. "And frankly, they look quite tasty."

"I can't deny that Rarity is ugly." She gave me an evil glare. "But is that really worth sentencing her to death for?"

"No, but it helps," the dragon answered.

"Could one not argue that all magic is a violation of nature? Why would you not kill all unicorns, rather than just this one especially?"

"Because _she _used her magic to force one of our own into slavery, and twisted his mind so terribly that he can't even see his chains!"

"Can't really deny that either… What's so bad about spying?"

"We're a private race," he answered haughtily.

"Fair enough. Twilight, do you have anything to say in your defense?"

She looked at me blankly. "You're terrible at this."

"Well, yeah. You're guilty as sin. My question is, why the fuck haven't you teleported away yet?"

She blinked. Without another word the three of them disappeared, leaving me alone in the center of a group of very angry dragons. "Aw shit…" I looked around. All the dragons were staring at the spot where the ponies had just been. I very quietly started backing into the circle of dragons, hoping to get away before any of them noticed.

"GET HIM!" one of them shouted.

I began running through the group of large monsters, their sizes and relative proximities working in my advantage: They were so large and so close together that they all mashed together as I was running through them. It wasn't until I got through the group that I started having problems.

_Twilight, you traitor_! I kept running, but now the dragons could actually catch me, and all of them had wings. I dodged one of the teenagers that was jumping at me, and he impacted an adult that was jumping at me from behind. They collided in midair and hit the ground with a loud thump.

I saw a large pond of magma coming up in front of me, so I just jumped and let my wings carry me over it, hoping the thermals weren't too bad above it. A few dragons tried to jump on me from a little cliff overlooking it, but they somehow all missed and hit the lava instead. Thankfully, that stuff is so viscous that it can't splash. There were a few piles of jewels in front of me that I decided to fly over rather than risk flying around.

That was a mistake. A number of dragons jumped out of the pile trying to get me. I swung the crossbow up to the first one and shot him dead in the face with it. It didn't do any damage, but it did stop him from getting me. After that, though, it was empty and I didn't have time to reload it.

So this is how it ends. Assloads of dragons on my tail and left by my friends. It could be worse, I guess: At least they won't rape me before killing me. Though honestly, that doesn't make me feel much better.

One of the dragons bursting out of the jewels managed to grab me from the air. "And where do you think you're going, freak?" he asked my struggling form.

"Preferably somewhere away from here," I answered. "I'll give you a hug if you let me go."

"No thanks. I think I'd prefer you more as a snack."

He grinned widely and his snake-like tongue smacked me in the face. "Yes," he said, "you taste pretty good."

And then a blue blur kicked that fucker in the face. He dropped me to the pile and I jumped up as quickly as I could. "Hurry up Nav, I can't keep them busy forever!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

My hand shot down to the pile to grab a decent sized ruby. I jammed it in my pocket and jumped off the pile to let my wings kick in.

"Come on, slowpoke!" Rainbow Dash yelled, flitting around me. "They're catching up!"

"These wings aren't made for speed, dammit!" I yelled. Thankfully, we were approaching the lip of the volcano. That meant there was a pretty steep decline coming up, and once we hit the bottom of that there were a lot of trees. I was hoping we could lose them in that mess.

We cleared the lip easily, but what followed us was a whole lot of fire. I know my clothes were singed and I think I lost most of the hair on my back and my legs. Rainbow Dash lost a large chunk of her tail.

We fell down the mountain with style, just barely managing to stay in the air. Nothing followed us, probably thinking us dead from the fire. By all rights, we probably should have been. Thankfully, since Rainbow Dash was with me I was mostly exempt from the rules of life and death. We flew a few miles into the forest before we landed next to slow river.

"That was painful," I said when we were down and I was in the river, soaking my fucked up body. My legs were blistered pretty badly and I don't think I could walk that far. My wings were singed but still working.

"You're just lucky I was there to save you," Rainbow Dash answered. "That dragon would have eaten you like you were nothing!"

"I wouldn't have had to been in that bloody situation if Twilight hadn't left me behind," I said, sighing lightly as the water worked its way into my clothes. What she did to me was pretty much a death sentence that I had no right to survive. I wonder if she realized that.

"I'm sure she had a good reason," she said, jumping in the river with me. She immediately started flowing away until I grabbed what was left of her tail and pulled her over to me. "I meant to do that," she said with a small blush when I had her anchored next to me.

"Of course you did. So why weren't you in the circle with the other two?"

"Because I was making sure that dragon didn't take you away to be eaten!" she answered. "When we saw her grab you and fly away, we knew we couldn't just let you die like that. So I went to follow you. It's a good thing we came, too! If I hadn't been there, I know you wouldn't have gotten off that mountain."

"If you three hadn't been there, the need to get away never would have come up. The crisis appeared when the other two were caught. We were doing just fine until then."

Rainbow Dash blushed again, and didn't say anything.

After a few minutes of lounging back in the water and soaking my burns, she said, "We should probably get going, Nav. I don't know if those dragons might decide to go looking for us…"

I sighed. "I know. I just really don't feel like moving because I know as soon as I get out all of my everything is going to hurt."

"Well… No pain, no getting away from pony eating dragons." I don't think that's quite how the saying is supposed to go. I gently pushed myself to a standing position and immediately regretted it. I couldn't get in the air like this, not unless I was already up there.

"You're going to have to help me get in the air," I told her. "I can't run and jump in this state."

"Psh, lazy!" She jumped out of the water and into the air with ease. She ruined it by grimacing, though. "Well, maybe not _so _lazy." I knew her ass was probably a bit singed, as closely as her tail was cropped. She flew up to me and grabbed me under the arms and pulled us above the trees. When we were high enough she let me go and we started flying back home.

It took us most of a day to get back, and we beat the others home. We both decided to visit Fluttershy's place to see if she had anything for burns.

"What happened to you?" she asked in a horrified tone when she saw us.

Rainbow Dash gave a sheepish smile. "You were right about dragons," she answered. I didn't really want to know. "Do you have anything to fight burns? Nav here can barely stand!"

"Right, and Rainbow Dash can't sit down," I added. I heard Rainbow grind her teeth slightly at that.

"Come in!" Fluttershy demanded, her caretaker mode kicking in. "Get comfortable, you're both going to be here a while."

"I can't be here long, I have weather to control!" Rainbow Dash tried saying.

Fluttershy just looked at her and pointed in her house. With a sigh and some grumbles, Rainbow Dash went in and plopped herself down on the couch. I limped inside, Fluttershy at my side with a worried expression on her face. I couldn't really sit down either, given that most of my back was pretty crispy. I settled for falling on the floor. I tried controlling it, but when I started down I ended up not stopping until it was a bit too late.

Rainbow Dash giggled until Fluttershy shot her another glare. Fluttershy quickly jumped to my side, making sure I was fine. She propped a pillow under my head and went off to get something or another.

"So what was that thing you grabbed from the pile, anyway?" Rainbow Dash asked me.

I pulled the jewel from my pocket. "Just some ruby or something," I answered. "I figured I could give it to Rarity to make her shut up when she gets back and starts whining at me for calling her ugly."

Rainbow Dash gaped. "You called her _ugly_? You'll never make her shut up from that, Nav!"

"I'm sure I'll figure something out," I said, putting the gem back in my pocket. "I wonder when they'll get back. Twilight could probably have this mess healed up right quick."

She just sighed and buried her face in the couch. I quite knew that feeling, and I sagged down further into the floor. It was nice to not be moving again.

Fluttershy quickly came out of the kitchen, carrying some bottles of cream or something. She came to me first since I was considerably worse off than Rainbow Dash. She gasped when she saw my burns. "How did you get back like this?" she quietly asked.

"Painfully," I answered.

She didn't say anything else, just began gently rubbing some stuff on the backs of my legs where the pants had burned off. The cream stuff was very cold and I shivered lightly. "Don't you worry about a thing, Nav," she said. "This'll fix you right up!" I think she took longer than she really needed to, applying everything, but I wasn't going to fault her for being thorough. "You're so smooth," she whispered lightly.

"What was that?" Rainbow Dash asked, giggling lightly.

Fluttershy gave off a ridiculously cute little "Eep!" and turned bright red. "N-n-nothing!" she stammered, pulling her hoof away from me. After a moment of hearing Rainbow Dash giggle, she sighed and started rubbing the lotion in again. She finished me up shortly after and started on Rainbow Dash, which didn't take nearly as long.

"So when can we go home?" Rainbow asked when everything was applied to her.

"When you're good and healed," Fluttershy answered with a smile and a nod. "Now, I bet you two are hungry!"

Well, I know I was. I didn't really feel like intrud—"You bet I am!" Rainbow Dash said with glee.

I sighed. "If it wouldn't be a bother, I suppose," I added. "It has been a little while since I last ate."

Rainbow Dash glared down at me. "Yeah, and it was _meat_! What's _wrong _with you, Nav?"

I opened my mouth to explain, but Fluttershy beat me to it: "Some creatures are omnivores, Rainbow Dash. You shouldn't judge."

Rainbow Dash and I were both surprised at that. "But… He was _eating animals_!" Rainbow Dash cried.

"Turtles eat fish," Fluttershy quietly replied. Rainbow Dash has a pet turtle, you see. No, I'm not certain how that works.

"That's… that's different…" Rainbow uttered.

Rainbow Dash was still looking pretty disgusted. I can honestly understand that, truth be told, but it was still a bit disheartening. I turned to her and said, "If it makes you feel any better, we tried talking to all of them first. In fact, we told each one if they wanted to survive to run away. Not a one of them did; none of them were sentient or sapient." She snorted. I shrugged. "I don't care what you think of me; I don't kill to eat sentient and sapient species unless I am starving. I'm not a monster, and if you haven't realized that by now I don't think you ever will."

She sighed. "I know you aren't, Nav… It's just surprising, is all."

Fluttershy smiled. "Now, how about I fix you two something to eat?"

"Just don't get the meals confused," Rainbow Dash warned.

"Oh no, I don't know how to cook meat," Fluttershy answered. "And I don't have any on hoof anyway." With that she went back to her little kitchen.

I turned to Rainbow Dash. "Besides, I'm not the only one that likes to eat mares," I said with a shit-eating grin. She turned several shades of red and started choking. I giggled and settled back down.

"You can be a real jerk sometimes, Nav," she said when she finally got control of herself again.

"Yep. It's a lot of fun."

After a few minutes she sighed. "This waiting is really going to suck. This is why you don't provoke dragons, Nav!"

"It's not my fault Twilight left me behind!" Well, that's not entirely true. I _was _kind of mean. Still, it wasn't my fault Twilight was being stupid enough to _stand around_ when a bunch of dragons were about to attack her.

Whatever she was going to say was lost as Fluttershy came back in with a tray of bowls on her back. She somehow gave me and Rainbow Dash both a bowl of soup. It was pretty awesome tasting.

"Fluttershy, why are you so awesome?" I asked as I finished the bowl off—uncomfortably, given my position on my stomach on the floor.

"Oh, you know…" she whispered, idly pawing at her floor and trying to not meet my gaze.

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "She's not _awesome_, Nav. She's _cool_. Geez, get it right!"

"We only had one system for that back where I come from. Awesome and cool meant the same thing."

She looked at me with disbelief. "I bet that's just what the others told you so you wouldn't feel left out." She looked back to her bowl and finished it off with an incredibly loud slurping noise. "Still, this soup _was _pretty awesome. Keep it up and you might be both cool and awesome! You'll have to work on your rad score, though." Fluttershy nodded, wearing a bad poker-face smile.

I set the bowl aside. "So when do you think we can leave, Dr. Fluttershy?"

"Oh! Um…" She looked us both over. "Rainbow Dash can probably leave in the morning. You might be here a few days."

"I hate being bed-ridden," I sighed. "Or rather, floor-ridden. I've walked off worse. Much, much worse. I think I'll leave in the morning as well."

The look Fluttershy gave me.

I cannot ever—EVER—describe it.

I… I don't even know. _Terrifying _comes to mind, but it doesn't do it justice.

I burst out laughing, which caused her and Rainbow Dash both to gape in confusion. I was still giggling when Rainbow Dash finally said, "I've never seen _that _reaction to your stare before!"

"Oh, Fluttershy," I said. "You're just too funny. I know you would never hurt me! Glaring at me won't change that. You're just too huggable to be mean!" She blushed at that and Rainbow Dash joined me in giggling. "Now, I'm sure the others will be back tomorrow and Twilight can heal me up right proper."

Fluttershy sighed.

We three were silent for a while. Rainbow Dash finally said, "So… what now?" It was only mid-afternoon or so, and there was plenty of daylight left and none of us were tired.

I turned my head to Fluttershy. "You got any board games? Or any cards? I can teach you a human game called Durak."

They looked at each other. Rainbow Dash looked at me. "What are cards?"

My jaw dropped. "You damn ponies don't have any kind of fun, do you?" I finally managed to ask.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "We get by. So what are cards?"

I shook my head and explained the concept. Fluttershy didn't seem interested but Rainbow Dash did. "Just another thing for me to be the best at!" she said. "We have a few hours. Fluttershy, do you have any paper or something?"

Unfortunately, the notebook that Twilight had given me was first immolated and then immersed, so it was pretty much useless right now. I'm pretty sure the ink bottle had burst open from the fire as well, but at that point I was doing my best to not look at my legs.

Fluttershy walked over to a bookshelf that I don't think I had ever seen before and pulled a stack of note cards down from it. "How many do you need?"

"Fifty-two," I answered. "That's how many are in a full deck." Not counting the Jokers, of course. She started counting them out and set them down in front of me. She then walked back over to the bookshelf and grabbed a quill and some ink and set that down as well.

"Alright, normally there are two different colors and four different card suits, but given my limited materials I'll just do what I can."

And thus was born the first—really poor quality—deck of cards in Equestria. I taught them every game I knew. And I was incredibly surprised when Fluttershy managed to kick our asses at every game I showed her, as soon as she picked up the basics and the rules. Poker, Durak, Black Jack—somehow, even though it's mostly luck—Uno, War, and Liar. Hell, she even did great at solitaire! Although I don't know how she beat _me _at Liar. Rainbow Dash… She was kind of terrible, and refused to keep playing after she lost everything I showed them. She was much too brash and hot-headed for everything.

As a side note: as soon as I had the first _real _set of cards made, they pretty much exploded in popularity all around Equestria, and somehow—I still blame Twilight—the rules for all the human games I knew were spread around. It's pretty interesting what happens when you take stuff like that for granted; honestly I'm surprised I never brought up card games before.

Anyway, that's what we did until night and we finally all went to sleep. For whatever reason, Fluttershy decided to sleep downstairs with us, snuggled up against me. Rainbow Dash and I both thought it was pretty adorable, so I didn't say anything.

Rainbow Dash and I usually sleep pretty late, so it was no surprise to me when I woke up and Fluttershy had disappeared. Rainbow Dash was still on the couch, snoring softly. My legs felt considerably better, at least. I pushed myself to my feet and was able to stand with almost no pain. I started stretching, though, and that's when the pain hit. I knew I couldn't walk back home without ending up in all manner of pain.

Of course, I was planning on doing it anyway because I was stubborn like that. I lowered myself back down to the floor, hoping I would feel better when Rainbow Dash woke up.

As it turns out, I didn't. She woke up with a stretch and a yawn. "This couch is really not that comfortable," she moaned.

"I would have traded," I replied from on the floor. My back wasn't feeling all that great from sleeping down here, but thankfully the floor was very clean. I don't know how Fluttershy keeps her place clean with all the animals she has scurrying about, but she manages it.

"Nah, I think the couch was probably better. So where's Fluttershy?"

"Bugger all if I know. I was planning on leaving when you did, though."

"I don't think she'll like that, Nav."

"Yeah, well… I don't really care."

"We should at least tell her bye, and thanks."

"Like I said, I was planning on leaving when you did. Though I think she might try to stop me."

She looked back at my legs. "From the looks of you, she should try to stop you. I don't think you can get that far, Nav."

"As I said yesterday: I've walked off worse."

She scoffed again. "When have _you _ever been injured?"

"Egypt," I answered. "Do you remember when I said that crazy cat woman went too far?"

"I know she didn't hurt you, though!"

I started going over the things she had done to me, but Rainbow Dash shushed me after I mentioned the branding. "Never mind! So you're tougher than you look. That still doesn't mean you should hurt yourself when there's nothing to gain from it."

"Well, I wouldn't be on Fluttershy's floor anymore."

She gave me a dirty smile. "I'm sure you'd rather be in her bed."

"Well, it would be a lot more comfortable…" She gave me a flat stare. "What? I'm not attracted to ponies, remember?" She rolled her eyes.

"Well, I'm going to wait here until Fluttershy gets back. Now, how about you go over some of those card games again so I'll have an advantage next time I play her?" I smiled and shook my head, but did as she asked.

After a while, she sighed. "…So what you're saying is, Fluttershy's a big cheater?"

"I don't remember saying that, no," I answered, not even trying to hold back my grin. "I think we might have found the one thing you're bad at."

She blushed lightly. "I'm not bad at anything!" she hotly said.

"You seem to be pretty bad at admitting defeat," I answered.

"If you weren't hurt I'd come down there and beat some sense into you!" she growled.

"You aren't very good at arguing, either."

"That's it!" She poised to jump off the couch, but the sound of the door opening stopped her.

"Oh, am I… interrupting?" Fluttershy quietly asked.

Rainbow Dash muttered angrily and stood up. I pushed myself to my feet. "We just wanted to say thanks before we left," I told her, putting on a smile.

"Yeah Fluttershy. Thanks for helping us and giving us some nice food," Rainbow Dash added.

Fluttershy's gaze went from Rainbow Dash to me and back again a few times before settling on me. "But you're not going anywhere, Nav," she finally said. "Doctor's orders."

"Thanks for the thought, but…" The terrifying glare from last night returned, and this time she actually flew up to my face. I couldn't help myself and backed up a few steps. She followed.

"You're going to lie down _right now_, mister," she told me.

I reached out and hugged her and she gave an "Eep" of surprise. "I told you that you were too huggable to be mean," I said. I let her go and her wings stopped working, dropping her to the floor. "But back home I always got told that I need to learn to pick my battles. I can easily win this, but… why? I don't think I'll be doing much today anyway, so I might as well spend it on your floor."

She sighed in relief. "Now you just lay down now and let me take good care of you. You'll be up and about in no time!"

I gave a long-suffering sigh and sank back down to the floor. Rainbow Dash chuckled before flying off. Fluttershy walked up to me and leaned her head down to my back. She sniffed lightly. "You need a bath, Nav," she said.

"I know, Fluttershy. It has been a while, and I haven't changed out of these clothes in a while as well." I also kind of needed to pee.

"I just need to put this down in the kitchen and then I'll be right back with some fresh clothes," she said, heading towards a back room that I assume housed a kitchen. She came back out a second later. "You just stay here and rest. And no moving too much!"

With that said, she stepped back outside and I was left alone for a while. Or at least, I thought I was alone—I soon saw random animals peeping out of small hidey holes all over the room. I looked all around and saw Angel standing at the door to the kitchen. As soon as he saw me looking at him, he smiled. Slowly he raised one of his arms until it was pointing straight up. After a moment, he brought it straight down at me.

Every animal in the building pounced at me.

Thankfully, I wasn't there anymore: As soon as I saw his arm shoot down I pushed myself up and onto my feet. I knew I couldn't move fast because moving at all hurt, but at the same time I knew I couldn't afford to move slow; there's no telling what that psychotic bunny might do to me if he had me trapped. _I used to think that rabbit was cool. What the hell was wrong with me?_

With that in mind, I began hobbling up the stairs. I was pretty sure there was some manner of bathroom or shower or something up here I could lock myself in, and I needed a bath anyway. Unfortunately, I was hobbling way too slowly. A pair of birds collided with my back, which did nothing at all to slow me down and if the two thuds I heard behind me were any indication, it did more damage to them than it did to me.

Then a freaking raccoon jumped down from the top of the stairs and landed on my face, holding on as tightly as it could. I had just gotten back from running away from _dragons_, though, so I didn't fall backwards in fear. I might have—or might not have, I refuse to say—screamed like a little girl and shook my head crazily to get it off. I eventually ripped it off with my hand and dropped it behind me. By then, though, three squirrels were at the top with a trip cord set up that I didn't see until it was too late.

_What the fuck is wrong with these animals_? I was lying on the floor of the upper level of Fluttershy's comfortable little abode, three squirrels and some other critters jumping on my back. I heard what I assumed was an angry bunny bounding up the stairs.

I pushed myself back to my feet, ignoring the squeaks of the squirrels on my back as they tumbled off. "Humanity conquered nature a long, long time ago," I started saying. "And despite these damnable wings and being forced to live in Namby Pamby Ponyland for several years, I am still a human." I was pushing my way what I was hoping was the bathroom. "I will not submit." I put my hand on the door knob. "I will not bow." I opened the door. "And this is not the bathroom."

My confusion was met with a flying jump kick from a little bunny to the side of my head that confused me even worse.

"How did you jump that high?" He demonstrated again. "Oh right, you're a rabbit." Then his fist collided with my chin in a very amusing display of baby bunny muscles. "Will you knock that off?" He tried one more time but I grabbed him in midair this time and brought his struggling form up to my eye level. "If you show me where the bathroom is, I might forget this embarrassing event happened."

He struggled on for a few more moments before going limp with a little sigh. He pointed down the hall. I hobbled that way, still holding him. "Seriously, how is this building this large? I swear it looks like a one room home from outside." He didn't answer, but then I didn't really expect him to. You know, what with him not being able to talk and all. I stopped outside of a door and pushed it open with my empty hand. Yep, this was the bathroom. "Now was that really so hard?" I asked him. He just glared at me. "Fine, be that way."

I set him down and walked into the bathroom. "When Fluttershy gets back, just tell her I'm up here. Or don't. I'm sure she'll figure it out herself either way." I closed the door and locked it.

Man, this bathroom was really girly. But then… I also live in Ponyland, so I was kind of used to that.

The shower was short and painful. I forgot that hot water over burns is bad. At least I got clean, and wiped all the ink and whatnot off me. And I didn't smell like a smoke-stack anymore, even though what was left of my clothes and weapons did.

I sighed as I began pulling out and wiping down weapons. "Such is life for me in this bloody world," I whispered. "I left a world of war only to find peace for a few short years until I could get thrust back in."

Maybe that dragon was right. I looked down at what I was doing, to see my hands automatically cleaning weapons. That dragon was definitely right. But… If something needed to be done, and I was able to do it, shouldn't I?

I looked down at my ruined clothes and started pulling stuff out of pockets. The only thing of value in there anymore was the jewel, but I pulled the ruined notebook out as well. I was planning on giving it to Twilight with a shit-eating grin and tell her, 'Here are my notes on dragons.'

I was almost done cleaning my gear when I heard the clopping of a pony coming up the stairs. "Nav?" I heard Fluttershy sweetly call.

"In the bathroom," I called back. I heard her walk up to the door and she tried twisting the knob—somehow.

"It's locked," she felt the need to comment.

"Really? I hadn't noticed," I answered, still cleaning something in her sink.

"Can I… can I come in?" I was wrapped in a towel, so I didn't really see the harm. I reached over and opened it for her. I turned after I finished wiping the little knife down to find her glaring at me. "I thought I told you not to move," she said through clenched teeth. "You might hurt yourself!"

"Your animals didn't leave me much choice," I answered, slipping the blade in a little holster. I pulled out the last one and began cleaning it as I talked. "They came at me from all sides, and since I needed a shower anyway I came up here."

"My animals wouldn't do that!" she asserted, too surprised at my accusation to keep her glare or her gritted teeth.

"Okay. I don't suppose you have my clothes?"

"Well… I don't know if I should let you have them!" I finally turned to look at her. "You disobeyed my instructions to not move, which might have aggravated your injuries. If keeping you naked will make you stay still, I think not having clothes might be a good thing for you!"

I stared at her. She stared right back. After a moment I let my towel unwind and fall. She turned a very, very bright red, but held her ground. Her eyes shifted a few times, though. "I could walk—or fly—back home like this, Fluttershy. I wear clothes for your benefit more than mine." That was pretty much a lie. "So how about you give me my clothes so we can avoid that."

Her eyes went to mine and stayed there. "Then do it." I blinked. "Go ahead and go home and get your clothes. Naked." This was a side of Fluttershy I don't see often.

And as I was flying home—completely naked, mind—I remembered my words earlier: _Learn to pick your battles._

I'm an idiot.

And when I landed on the balcony of the library, my legs reminded me of that fact very forcefully. It was all I could do to stay steady as I opened the doors and pushed myself in. I limped to my room and pulled some clothes on and fell into bed.

After a few minutes I heard knocking at the door, but I ignored it. Then the knocking moved to my window and I forced my eyes open. Fluttershy was there, holding everything I had left at her house, as well as a bottle of cream or whatever that stuff was. I groaned and pulled myself over to the window and opened it. She daintily flew inside.

"I'm an idiot, Fluttershy."

She didn't answer. I shrugged and began limping back to bed, only to have her gently pick me up and carry me there herself. I honestly didn't think she would be strong enough to carry me when she was flying, but she managed it. She dropped all my belongings on the floor.

"I'm going to go ahead and say this so you can understand why I've been acting… Well, yeah. I hate being babied and I hate being helpless and I hate being taken care of."

"We're all helpless sometimes," she finally answered.

"Doesn't make me feel any better when it happens to me," I said. She began applying the cream stuff around the parts of my legs she could reach around the shorts I was wearing. "Has anyone ever told you that you were a good person?"

"No, but I've been told that I was a good pony plenty of times."

"Well, you're that too I suppose. It keeps me sane to think of you more as people than ponies, though."

"Is it really so bad?" she whispered.

"It's not nearly as bad as it used to be," I answered. "I still wake up some mornings and have a panic attack when I realized I'm in a world with talking ponies that have complete control over me, but I get over the attacks faster and faster these days." And that's not mentioning the nightmares I get occasionally. I used to think the 'good' dreams I had were bad. I didn't know what bad dreams were, back then.

She finished rubbing the cream on and jumped into my bed and snuggled against me. "You don't have to be afraid of us, Nav," she said, looking into my eyes.

"I don't have to be afraid of _you_," I said. "But as to some of the others? I think I'll hold my opinions on them for myself." No need to fear Rainbow Dash or Applejack. Pinkie Pie and Rarity still give me some twinges every time I see them, and Pinkie's ability to violate reality always makes me nervous. Twilight… She was a very, very powerful magic user, and she had too many bouts of crazy to be trusted fully. I liked them all and I considered them all my friends, but… I think I'll hold off on trusting them.

"It's good to know you trust me, at least," she said. We were silent for a while, just being happy in each other's company. After a few moments of silence, she said, "Nav, I—"

My door burst open, interrupting her. Spike waltzed in and Fluttershy jumped off my bed with another eep and yet another blush. "There you are, Nav!" he shouted, and then saw Fluttershy. "Uh, what were you two doing?"

"She was helping me recover from a volley of dragon fire," I answered. "Now that Twilight is back, I can get healed."

Spike opened his mouth to reply, but Twilight walked in and interrupted him. "Navarone, why have you been flying around town naked?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Can you heal me?"

"I don't know why I should," she answered. "You did nothing to help us escape!"

"I reminded you that you could teleport! And then you left me behind to fend for myself! Bloody traitor…" The last part was muttered.

"Well, maybe you shou—"

"WHERE IS HE?!" Rarity demanded, barging in and practically foaming at the mouth. Her eyes locked on me and she shrieked, jumping at me. Fluttershy jumped in her way and they went down. "I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO CALL ME UGLY!"

Twilight sighed and pulled her off Fluttershy. "Rarity, we talked about this."

I looked at Spike. "Reach in my pile of junk over there and pull out the red gem," I told him. He did so. "Rarity, you can have this if you agree to not do anything to me."

She glared at me for a few more seconds before turning her gaze to the red gem. She looked at it for a few moments before her mouth dropped and she let out a 'squee' that might have been scarier than her rage.

"A RED DIAMOND!" she squealed.

"A red diamond?" Spike, Fluttershy, and I all asked at the same time. I continued, "I didn't know there was such a thing."

Twilight dropped Rarity who pounced on Spike to take the gem. Twilight explained, "Red diamonds are extremely rare and incredibly valuable. I've only ever heard legends of them coming from the quarries in Tartarus." Tartarus, for those that don't know, is this place's Australia; it's where Celestia sends everything she doesn't like when she doesn't decide to send them to the moon. And it actually does have the location Australia holds in my world, but there are magical portals to it in a few places. The one on this continent is guarded by the three headed dog Cerberus. "But to actually _see _a red diamond… Navarone, where did you find this?"

I shrugged. "I randomly grabbed it from a pile of dragon jewels when I was running away in terror. You know, when I could still run. Or move on my legs." Hint hint.

They were all too busy staring at the jewel.

"It's a fucking rock!" I said. "Twilight, heal me!"

She shook her head to clear it and blinked a few times. "Right. Sorry." Her horn glowed for a second and my backside felt much better. I sat up. She turned to Rarity. "I don't suppose I could borrow that for a few days for study?"

Rarity looked like she wanted to say no, but instead handed it over with the utmost of care. "Be careful with it, Twilight. I have all sorts of ideas for it!"

I stood up and began rummaging through the pile of stuff on the floor until I found the notebook. "And here's your notes on dragons, Twilight," I said, holding it up. "I found out that they're fucking dangerous." As I said before, the notebook was ruined.

She looked at it with distaste before getting an inquisitive look on her face. "I wonder if I can salvage anything from it…" She magicked it from my hand and took it and the jewel downstairs. Rarity followed, eyes watching the jewel carefully. It was just me, Spike, and Fluttershy up there now.

"Nav?" Spike said, turning to me. I looked at him. "You're awesome. Thanks, bro."

"I hope you found what you were looking for, at least. Those dragons were not very happy with me after you three got away."

He shuddered. "We heard their roars from wherever Twilight teleported us to. I didn't think anypony could get out of there alive."

"Most ponies probably couldn't have," I said. "Which is why I'm glad I'm not one. Still, I gotta give credit where it's due: If Rainbow Dash hadn't been there I'd have been dinner for someone." I paused. "Of course, if none of them had been there, we probably could have left easily and have gotten more answers in the first place."

Spike grimaced slightly. "I don't know if they would have let me leave at all, Nav," he said. "From the way that dragon was talking, he thought he was saving me! He was yelling at Twilight for 'keeping me hostage,' or something."

"Did you learn what you wanted to, at least?" I asked.

"Not everything, but I learned enough, I think."

"Good." I turned to Fluttershy. "Do you know anywhere we could go to hunt animals that won't be missed?"

She flinched. "Um… The Everfree forest?"

I sighed and turned back to Spike. "Hurry up and grow and become badass so I can safely take you into that hellhole." That place is about as dangerous as Mogadishu.

"Well, there are a lot of ways for dragons to grow, I found out," he said. "One is giving in to the apparent greed that all dragons have, but that turns us all mindless. One way is…" His eyes flicked to Fluttershy and then to the pile of weapons behind me before returning to me. "Being in the presence of violence. And we can, of course, just grow naturally. There are a few other ways, but we didn't have time to go into those."

"So the more violent I am, the bigger you get?"

"Well… Yes. But it takes a lot to get us really big."

"Eh, I'm sure we can figure something out." I went back to the pile of junk on the floor and pulled out the shitty deck of cards. "For now, though, you want to learn a few games you can finally beat Rainbow Dash at?"

Spike scoffed. "There's no such game. She's good at everything she plays!"

I smiled. "Not good enough to beat Fluttershy here at cards." Fluttershy blushed and looked away, idly pawing at the floor again. "I'm honestly surprised these games didn't already exist when I got here, but given that they're often used for gambling I suppose I shouldn't be."

"Gambling?" Spike asks.

"I'm okay with bringing card games here, but I'm not going to bring gambling to this world," I said. "Now, do you want to learn or not? I'm sure Fluttershy is a very busy lady, and has a lot to do that isn't helping me teach you."

"Well…" Fluttershy began, but Spike interrupted with "Sure!"

I looked at Fluttershy. "If you have something to do I can get Twilight and Rarity instead. I know Twilight would love learning some manner of new thing."

"No… It's okay," she quietly answered.

I shrugged. "Whatever, lass. If you're late for whatever it is, don't blame me." I shuffled the deck and taught another person some games. Twilight and Rarity eventually came up to see what we were all doing and I showed them as well. That's pretty much when it all started to spread, I think. As far as I know, nothing bad ever came from it, so at least there's that.


	26. Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four—Back to Egypt.

Two months after my birthday, I was again summoned to Celestia. This time I made sure I was standing up.

When I teleported in, I made a quick survey of my surroundings. I saw two random ponies and Celestia standing nearby. I nodded to them.

"I see you haven't trained this… creature… very well, Princess," said one of the visitors rather haughtily.

I pulled out my dagger. "You wouldn't believe what she had me trained to do to people I don't like. And if you keep talking like that you're going to find out firsthand."

The stallion that made the remark visibly blanched, while his mare companion smiled at my response.

Celestia just said, "Remember what happened the last time blood was spilled in front of me, Navarone. And remember whose it was."

"Bah. You're the one who summoned me, but I'll be damned if I'll be talked down to by a bloody pony, I don't care what kind of influence he holds.

"That's no way to talk about somepony that will soon be in your protection, if you'd have him," she answered. "Both of them, actually."

I put the dagger away. "And what makes you think I'd want to do any more of your bloody jobs? The last one ended up with me at the forefront of a bloody revolution. I came closer to dying there than I did fighting with the naga, which is the job that brought me there in the first place." She already knew this, of course, but if I _was _going to end up guarding these two bloody ponies for whatever reason, I wanted to make sure they knew I wasn't someone to fuck with.

"Standard fare, of course, Navarone." Meaning it was this or bust, for me.

"You always have such a way with words, Celestia. What's the job, and why are these two worth my time?"

"The job is pretty simple. These two ponies need to go from here to Egypt. Since you've been there in the past," I snorted at that, "I figured you'd be the best for the job. And knowing how some of the natives there feel about ponies, I figured they could use the extra protection."

"Bloody ambassadors. Why not give them royal guards?"

"Because royal guards weren't at the final confrontation with the leader now in power in Egypt. You are a reminder of my power, and the forces I can bring into play if either of these two end up hurt."

I took a second to study the guests better. The mare was a green unicorn with a cutie mark of an open book and a mane of light blue. The male was a brown earth pony with a cutie mark of a chalice and a mane of a darker brown. He didn't look quite as abashed as before, though he still didn't look quite like he wanted me as a protector.

"How long will this bloody thing take? I may not belong here, but I've made a life here now, and I'm not exactly overly pleased to be having to keep leaving it like this."

"Like it or not, Navarone, you're useful to me and to the realm. However, your part in this shouldn't take that long. You're supposed to be there just long enough to be seen by enough people in power. Unless their lives are actually threatened, you should be back within a month of being in Egypt. All around, it should take three months for you. They'll be there a lot longer."

I sighed. "I'm starting to think you hate me. You always want to send me away whenever we talk. Fine. I'll do your bloody mission. But I want a neat hat."

"Sorry, but I actually have something else in mind for you to wear."

"Is it too late to request the death penalty for that treason charge you pushed on me?"

"You haven't even seen it yet! I even had one of your friends help make it!"

"…" You could actually hear the ellipsis in what I didn't say.

Remember that 'outfit made for the Liberator of Egypt' Rarity promised me? Yeah, she made it. Out of complete boredom, as far as I could tell, because I would _never _willingly put that on my body, and she had to know I would never willingly put that on my body.

The two ponies I was set to escort—named Calix and Emerald Script, if anyone cares—seemed to love it. If I had my fire starter on me, I would have lit it on fire and hoped it burned, and then did my best to exorcise the ashes.

Since this is supposed to be a true account, of sorts, I suppose I should describe the damn thing. It was purple, blue, and white. Purple, to show my… royalty, or the fact that I act on a royal leash. Blue, to show that I am still a public servant. And white to show my… mercy, I suppose. Not exactly the colors I would choose to depict myself. And not the prettiest of things to look at. In the deserts I would stand out.

It was interlaced with iron studs, ostensibly for protection but more likely to make me look more like a warrior. They weren't placed anywhere useful. At least it was iron instead of gold; on the off chance something did hit them, they would actually block some force. Gold is pretty much worthless.

The entire thing was gaudy as all fuck. It's like it was made to show off my wings, for one, and there were frills all over it. I don't think I could even draw a damn knife in that thing, let alone find a place to store it.

I took one look at it, turned to Celestia, and said, "Hell no. I would rather light myself on fire and greet the Egyptians that way."

"That would rather go against the idea of peace we're trying to push, here."

"That's a risk I'm willing to take. I ain't wearing that shit."

Emerald looked at me and said, "I think you'd look good in it."

Calix added his opinion to the matter as well, in his annoying, greater-than-thou nobleman accent: "Yes, it would certainly be an improvement to what you're wearing now."

"Are you sure I can't kill them? I've heard horse meat is pretty good, and I could share with Spike!" They both looked a bit frightened at that, not knowing who or what Spike was.

Celestia shook her head, saying, "No, they're too useful right now. Maybe when they get back, if they manage to mess up in Africa." When I got a thoughtful look on my face, "No, you can't sabotage them." I sighed.

She continued, "In all seriousness, though, you need to wear something regal. This is what we have. If you have something better in mind that you can get within a day, by all means. Otherwise, this is it."

"How often do I need to wear it?"

"As far as I'm concerned, you'd only need to wear it when you first arrive at the palace and at some important state functions. When you arrive there, though, Emerald Script will be in charge. Given the sensitive nature of this mission, I may revoke one of our past agreements, relating to the last time you were here." Meaning the promise not to eavesdrop on me, I assumed.

"So all this job entails is going to Africa, guarding these two kids for a month, and then running home?"

"I wouldn't quite say that," Emerald said, with a disturbing smile.

"Just so we're clear. I'll do jobs for you. I might even be willing to kill someone for you, if I think there's a good enough reason. But I draw the line at things of questionable moral standings.

Calix turned to Celestia. "Where _do _you find these servants?"

She just shrugged and said, "Blame my students."

I had one more demand, since it was going so well anyway. "Oh, and while we're there, I want to see the Sphinx. I'm sure I'll find some time to do it, but I'm not coming back until I see it."

"So you will do it?"

"What other choice do I have, dammit?"

"Good. Emerald Script, Calix, see to your preparations. You all leave tomorrow." They bowed and left. When they were out of earshot, Celestia turned to me. "You really need to learn what to say and when to say it. I think you might have made them both rather mad."

"They'll get over it. They both need to learn to treat others better anyway. Calix is a dick, and Emerald Script is rather creepy."

"I think there's something you're not telling me."

"There is. But you don't need to know about it."

"We've been over this before."

"Yes, and we won't get anywhere new by doing it again."

"You're always such a pleasure to talk to, Nav."

"And you always know just the right things to say, Celestia."

She turned serious. "Honestly now, you don't have to do this one if you don't want to. I would really, really like you there, but I know you're getting close to your friends. And I know there are a lot of painful memories for you in Egypt."

"You don't even know, lass… But this needs to be done, sadly, and I'm one of the few that can do it correctly. I doubt they'll be attacked, but Egypt… is not like Equestria. Someone well versed in pony ways and that knows about Egyptian ways will be needed as guides for your ambassadors, if nothing else. Though I don't know why you had to choose those two."

"I picked them to get them away from here, for the reasons you described."

"Are you sure those are the kind of people you want representing Equestria?"

"No, but I also don't have anypony else to send over there. And when I said Emerald Script will be in charge, I didn't actually mean that. For their benefit, she will be. As far as I'm concerned, you're still a foreign entity. You can do whatever you need to do to keep them safe, and as long as you don't go crazy with that privilege I will back you up. You are there to show the natives of Egypt the power of Equestria."

"That means no getting raped by another crazy cat woman."

"I still don't know why you let them twist the wording in my letter like that."

"I don't know why you let it happen when you knew it was happening. Besides, Africa was a dangerous place. I couldn't risk letting an 'accident' happen to me."

"And that is precisely why _you _are going with them, and why you are basically in charge of their safety for the first month or so. They will be getting royal guards, but you're the real muscle there."

"I'm really starting to dislike that ability you have."

"And which ability is that?"

"That one that basically forces everyone to do what you want."

"Oh yes, that. I know. I've been a princess getting unruly subjects to do what I need them for longer than you've been alive, though. If it makes you feel any better, you're one of the few that have actually noticed I'm doing it."

"Stop it!"

"Just proves my point. Do you need anything else while you're here, or should I send you back to Twilight now?"

"Send me back. If we're leaving tomorrow I'll need to say a lot of goodbyes in a very short time, and grab a lot of stuff."

And just like that, I was back on the way to fucking Africa.

The goodbyes were depressing, even though I knew I should soon be back. I'd miss most of summer there, if nothing else. Which means I'd pick up the brunt of winter in Egypt, something I was not looking forward to.

And I made sure to hate on Rarity for the costume she gave me, though after the whole fashion thing we were a little closer than before, even though she doesn't remember the time we spent in the jail cell and when she was forced to use me to keep warm.

Rainbow Dash was distraught at my leaving for what I thought was probably the coolest reason ever. "How am I supposed to use you as a wing man if you're leaving?" she practically wailed at me.

I paused. "Do you mean me helping you pick up chicks, or me helping you practice for the Wonderbolts?"

"Yes!"

"I'll be back soon enough, lass. And honestly, depending on the chick you're trying to pick up, you might be better off without me helping you do it. Also honestly, I'm really not the fastest flier, despite having huge wings. There is little magic in me; I'm mostly good for gliding."

"Well, yeah, but if we turned you back into a pegasus you'd be better at both!"

"Depends on what you're looking for, in terms of relationships. And who you're looking to bag." She opened her mouth, but I forestalled her, saying, "Don't tell me now, lass. Give me something to look forward to when I get back."

She smiled at that.

Spike really wanted to join me on my trip, but I told him there was no room, and that Twilight wouldn't let him anyway. He tried to get me to promise to bring him some jerky, but I managed not to. Hell, if I was bringing any jerky back I'd have to bring pounds and pounds of it, or it would all be gone by the time I got home. I love me some jerky.

Twilight was also pretty easy to say bye too. "I will definitely miss our conversations, but when the Princess calls, she calls. I understand royal duty well enough," she told me.

"True enough, lass, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. At least this time I probably won't be fighting for my life." I stressed that probably.

"You were hardly fighting for your life last time. Hearing you describe it, you were doing very little in the way of actual fighting."

"I consider slitting throats some manner of fighting. I just managed to stay out of the way of any blades, which is a good enough achievement, as far as I'm concerned."

"Maybe you'll even run into some of your old friends while you're there!"

"I hope not. I wouldn't call any of those cat people friends. Jocasta was only on speaking terms with me when she needed me. Rock scared the hell out of me. Kat was… no. Miguel was probably arrested for being a murderous, scary little man. The rest, I didn't know that well."

"You always meet such colorful characters."

"Yeah, just look at you! You're bloody purple!"

She stuck her tongue out at me.

Applejack was also decently easy to say bye to, especially since she knew I was coming back. She was very practical, honestly. And it also meant that, if she decided to go back to any dancing lessons, she would probably end up dancing with Rainbow Dash. I teased her about that.

"Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, though…" she mused. Catching herself, she blushed, and corrected, "To have a partner that might actually be attracted to me, I mean! You're alright, but I know you don't feel anything towards ponies!"

I smiled at her. She blushed deeper, muttered something about having farm work to do, then ran off. _Kids these days._

Pinkie Pie was sad to see me go as well, though for different reasons. "No time to throw a going away party again? Princess Celestia simply must stop giving us such short notice! How am I ever going to throw you a good party if you're always leaving too soon?"

"Relax, lass. I'll be back before you know it, and then you won't have had to worry about throwing me a party anyway."

"Are you saying that you'll leave and be back so quickly that when you get back the light particles from your presence immediately before you left will not have even departed yet?"

_Pinkie Pie is fucking crazy, man_. "Not exactly what I meant, no. More like I should be back within three months or so, and that the time will pass fast enough."

"Oh. That makes much more sense!"

Fluttershy was… difficult. "Why are you leaving again, so soon?"

"Celestia needs me. She presented me with two choices. One was going to Africa. The other was… less pleasant."

"You and Twilight make her out to be such a villain! Whenever I talk to her, she seems so nice."

"Be happy she doesn't need anything from you, then."

"Couldn't you ask her if you could stay? Why does it have to be you?"

"Because I was the one that helped the slaves. I am the living representation of Celestia's power. And I have spent time in Egypt before; I have experience her ambassadors will need."

"Wouldn't you much rather stay here, with m—I mean, us?"

I was somewhat surprised, but didn't comment. "Yes, I would. But would you deny someone your talents if they needed them? I could not refuse to help someone in something like this, myself, not when I know I could be useful. And especially not when my aid is requested. There is nothing more I'd rather do than stay here, but I don't have that option. Maybe after this, things will die down. Maybe the spring is coming for me, finally. And when I get back, we will… talk."

She smiled at that, at least. Hers was one of the last friendly faces I saw in a while.

The next day I was given a ride from Ponyville to Canterlot. It was easier doing that than it was teleporting me, with all the stuff I was bringing. To be honest, it wasn't that much: My desert suit, which I was hoping I wouldn't need all that much, my weapons, another honing stone, another new fucking cloak, some more sensible clothes, and what I was hoping was enough paper to keep me writing for a good spell. And, of course, that bloody outfit Rarity made for me. I was on this trip for royal reasons, and I was hoping the Crown would be paying for more clothing when I got there. And whatever else I needed.

And all I had to do to earn it was keep two idiots alive. How hard could it be?

On the train ride to Manehattan, I found out how hard it might be. Not to keep them safe from external threats, but to keep me from killing them both myself.

I ran to their cart when I heard a yell. I ripped the door open to find… nothing.

Before either one could open their mouth, I said, very calmly and coldly, "If you complain about this cart being too small or not comfortable enough, I will hurt you."

I waited for a few seconds. They said nothing. I closed the door. I heard Emerald say through it, "I told you that would happen!" I walked away.

It was going to be a long, long trip.

I wish I could say that when we got to Manehattan we wasted little time in getting to the boat, but these bastards had a metric fuckton of shit they brought with them. Like, boxes and boxes of just crap.

Fucking nobles, man. I was starting to wish this was Dwarf Fortress, so I could just get them to kill themselves.

When they asked me to help them with their crap, I told them up front, "I'm not a servant. I'm not technically even a body guard. I am an agent of the crown. I get my orders from Celestia or Luna, no one else."

Emerald tried to take me off that high horse: "My orders said that I'm in charge! You can't say no to me!"

"Your orders were wrong. You can ask Celestia if you want."

She tried to get the other guards that were accompanying her to arrest me or something. I looked at them.

They didn't even try.

In the end, Emerald and Calix had to carry some of their stuff themselves, while they hired some day laborers to carry the rest. The guards and I just watched impassively, though I, at least, was struggling not to laugh.

I didn't mention this earlier, but there were six guards here, from the palace, to watch over the two. There were two of Luna's night guards and four of Celestia's day guards. And yes, each of the day guards and each of the night guards looked the same. Don't ask me how, though my guess was that Celestia had a gene lab hidden somewhere and was cloning them all. Anyway, they got the same orders I did, apparently, or they might well have tried to arrest me when Emerald told them to. They probably would have succeeded—they're trained fighters, while I'm a burgeoning assassin and ranged fighter. Up close and personal, it would be hard to take down even one of them. That would have been pretty embarrassing.

Oh, and when the nobles saw the boat we were going on, I thought they would throw a hissyfit that would make Rarity proud. We were not going on a royal military fleet. No, we nine were going on a merchant ship. The two nobles had to share a room. The guards and I didn't even get a damn room. We were given the option of bunking in the mess hall or outside. I chose outside; it was stifling inside. Most of the guards did the same.

And to make my cliché about the seasick people semi-true, both the nobles did end up getting seasick. It was their first time at sea. I didn't make any kind hearted jokes about it, though. They were all mean, and all shared between the guards and I. I managed to get the guards laughing, which wasn't supposed to happen. Just showed how they all felt about the two nobles.

Since it was a merchant ship, they were in a hurry to get where they were going and they didn't have to actually slow down to maintain any formation. It didn't take us as long to get there this time. I wasn't looking forward to getting to Africa, but I was looking forward to being able to get away from the two ambassadors for a bit.

The merchants were able to drop us off in Alexandria, but they couldn't stay; formal relations between the two nations had not developed enough to allow easy trade. Besides, not many people here would give good deals to ponies.

Before we hit the city, I warned the guards: "Do not expect a warm welcome. When I was here last, ponies were not treated well. I don't personally expect open hostility, but nor will I be surprised if you receive it. Guard the two nobles, and watch out for thieves. If you have to, abandon their shit and rush them to a tavern called The Salted Mare. Ask any pony for directions. If you're posed a riddle, the answer when I was here last was 'Celestia and Luna.' If the shit absolutely hits the fan and you cannot stay in the city any longer, use your wings, pick them both up, and fly off. I'll be out and about, and if you have to flee I'll meet you south of town. There are plenty of oases between here and Catro, so don't worry too much about supplies if you have to abandon everything."

One of the day guards spoke up, "Do you really expect it will be that bad?"

"The first thing you'll learn here, kid: Expect the worst. Sometimes you'll be surprised. Wait a day for me at The Salted Mare. If I don't show up, go on without me. I'll either catch up or I'll be dead."

With that warning, I put on the rest of my desert clothes and jumped off the boat. I was able to sail in from a little ways off the city, so I could walk in again, as I had the first time. I had on me my pack full of everything I brought and my weapons. I also had enough bits to hire a room for the night if I needed it. The goal was to join a caravan going south if possible, and if not we were to just walk the whole way ourselves.

I wasn't going to stay away from the main group that long, just long enough to visit a few places. Mainly, to see if Amir was still alive and well, and to pick up more clothes if possible. I had some words for Amir, if I could find him again. And I had a knife for Anton, if I found him.

Thankfully, there weren't any bodies on the city wall this time. The guards also made me peace-bind my weapons as I walked into the city. My knives, at least; they didn't know about the crossbow.

When they made me do it, though, I commented, "How is this fair? The ponies still have their sharp hooves. Why remove my main defenses if there are still those about that can hurt me?"

"Almost none of the ponies will attack unless attacked. You must have been away from cities for a while. To be fair, most of the guards agree with you. We follow our orders, though, and since we're told to peace bind weapons we will do so. Just use your claws if you must. They can't deprive us of those!"

I laughed along with him; no reason to let anyone know I wasn't a cat. Yet. Thankfully they didn't inspect my bolts. That would have raised a few questions.

When I got into the city proper, I saw that little had changed, aside from there being fewer ponies out and about. The place was still a bustling port city on the side of a desert, and despite there not being any trade going on with Equestria proper, there was still trading going on with other parts of Africa and with pony smugglers that operated out of the Middle East.

Hell, everyone has a price. Even ponies.

Finding Amir's tavern wasn't that hard; the city may be large, but I'm pretty good with remembering directions. Not much about the tavern had really changed, other than a hulking guard sitting near the back, with paws that looked like they had been broken over faces more times than their owner could count.

I sat at a table and waited for a serving woman to approach me. She was one of the same cat women that had been working here the last time, I thought, though it was a bit hard to tell; I wasn't paying much attention at the time. I asked for water and meat, as before, and I asked about Amir.

"He doesn't come out as much as he used to, now that his position as a slave helper has been revealed. Why should I fetch him now?"

I took off a glove and told her, "A friend from the past is here to see him."

Her eyes widened a bit. She slowly nodded and went off to do as I asked. I put the glove back on before too many people could see my hand and comment. I didn't know the kind of reaction I'd get for my actions in the revolution, which was one of the reasons I came to Amir's inn. He would be able and willing to tell me what to expect, especially when I threatened to gut him for selling me out, though I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to that.

I didn't have to wait long before the serving lady came back and told me where to go to find Amir. I followed her directions and found myself in a back room.

I pulled one of the bolts out of my quiver and idly twirled it around, waiting for someone to arrive. I was expecting either the guard, to knock me out or worse, or Amir.

Thankfully, Amir showed up, though I figured he had his guard standing outside the door, listening for a shout. I put the bolt up.

"Human, why are you back here? I never expected to see you again!"

"I could say the same. I'm here in your inn for information. I'm back in Egypt because I go where the Crown wills. I'm pretty sure you were told what a haul you had in me, when you sold me out to the slaves."

"I did what I had to do! They had my daughter…"

"I don't care about motives or your life story. What is done is done. What I need is information, and perhaps a bed for the night, depending on what you tell me."

"Tell me your questions, then, O Great Liberator."

"What kind of reception will agents from Equestria receive here? Actual pony agents, not more like me."

"Ambivalence. Most cats won't care, though a few might look at them negatively. The dog people never cared for ponies, any of them, and will give the usual negative responses. But as far as I know, they won't be openly attacked, unless they do something to rile the natives."

"What kind of reception will I get here, and in the capital, if I go around unmasked?"

"Differing reactions. Some hate you for what you did, some don't know much about you, and some love you for it. Not many were privy to what your actual actions were, other than that you were pivotal in the revolution effort."

"And as far as I'm concerned that's how it will stay. In your opinion, would I be better served by staying hidden for as long as possible, or should I make who I am known?"

"That depends on why you're here. I presume you're part of a diplomatic team, if you're here with ponies. In the streets, you might as well go masked. You will probably be safer, if nothing else. But among the leaders and politicians in Catro, you should go unmasked. You will gain no ground by being a faceless voice, no matter what policies you hold."

"The same way it is everywhere. Good. What else has been happening here, in the time since I left?"

"Massive upheavals. We have learned the hard way that you can't remove a head of state in a military coup without some problems. For the most part things have been safe, but some of the slave groups in the desert still haven't gotten the message that the war is over. Banditry is still a bit of a problem. The main roads are patrolled, though if you're going to Catro you better make sure you have some manner of identification showing yourself as an ambassadorial party."

"Do you know what happened to the cats I left behind in the slave group I helped lead out of Egypt?"

"Some of the leaders accepted positions within the new government. Some continued fleeing from Egypt into pony held lands. Some stayed behind here, to try their luck as free people."

So I might run into Kat again. And this time I won't be forced to do as she asks. Interesting.

"How secure is the new leader?"

"He has the entire army behind him. The only people protesting are a few richer slave owners, and slavers with their own private armies. Most know how to ride the winds of change, however, so I don't expect they'll hold out too long."

"I don't suppose you know where Anton is, do you?"

"No. He's the one that kidnapped my daughter. If you find him, hurt him for me. Thankfully, she was returned unharmed after the slaves were released, but that doesn't change the fact that she was taken from me."

"I was planning on hurting him plenty enough for myself, but I'm sure I can find it in my heart to share the hate."

I turned to go, but Amir stopped me. "For what it's worth, Navarone, what you did was good for this country, even if you didn't want to do it."

"I know. But just because something is good doesn't mean someone else should be forced into doing it. You were forced to help the slaves because your daughter was kidnapped."

There was nothing he could say to that. I left.

I took a few hours to wander the marketplace, making sure to keep a tight hold on all my belongings. There was nothing here I actually wanted, and it would be a bad idea to buy anything now that I'd have to carry with me on the trip to Catro, but it gave me something to do while waiting for the ambassadors to get to the inn. I did get some more clothes, at least; those I had on were getting rattier than they were when I got them, and none of the cuts they got when I was fighting helped them any. I tried to avoid blades, but it's hard to keep baggy clothes out of the way of cuts. I had tricked more than one enemy into leaving me for dead that way, too, so I guess it wasn't such a bad thing.

The sun was starting to set when I decided to make my way to the tavern I told them to meet me at. Thankfully, when I got there I found it hadn't changed at all in the time since I had been to it. However, I was asked two riddles this time, instead of one. The first was the same, with the same answer. The second was about what I was expecting, at that point: "Which creature in the morning goes on four legs, at mid-day on two, and in the evening upon three, and the more legs it has, the weaker it be?"

"A cat person. Or a dog person. Or a man." Yeah, they didn't know what a man was, but they gave it to me anyway, since they were told to expect someone fitting my description.

When the doorkeeper let me in, I asked him, "Why the extra question?"

"We have important guests from the homeland. We can't risk allowing them to be hurt. You are likely the one they told us to expect, though. And if you aren't, don't expect to be here long."

I took off my cape and my head mask. "Those royal guards wouldn't lay a hoof on me."

The doorkeeper smiled at me. "It's good to see you again, Liberator."

"Name's Navarone. Where are the ambassadors? And the guards?"

He blinked at my pause between guards and ambassadors, and the fact that I mentioned the guards at all, but he answered nonetheless: "The ambassadors are in their room. The guards are dotted about the building, with one watching the ambassador's door."

I nodded. "Thanks." I went to look for the guards first, because I really didn't feel like dealing with the ambassadors.

I found two of them in the common room. They nodded a greeting to me, and then went back to _somehow _playing dice with their hooves. I don't know how the hell ponies do stuff like that.

"You're lucky I'm not in charge of discipline," I told them. They just shrugged. "Anyway, how was the trip into town?"

"Nothing to report. We got a few odd looks, but no open hostility. No one was expecting us. Are you certain Princess Celestia sent warning ahead that we would be here?"

"No, I'm not, and that worries me. As far as I know we're flying blind, here. I don't know what she told the ambassadors, and since I did nothing to ingratiate myself with them they wouldn't tell me if I asked." A thought struck me. "I don't suppose we're carrying any manner of Equestrian flags? Or anything to show that we're a foreign entity?"

"I think the nobles might have a flag. We usually just follow orders, and we weren't told to bring anything like that."

"Damn. Okay. When we get on the move to Catro, take off your armor, by the way. You'll die of heat stroke by the time we reach the first oasis if you're wearing that metal stuff."

"Yes sir."

"I'm not an officer, son, I work for a living. That's just advice, not an order." That definitely got them smiling. "And spread that advice around to the rest of the guards. I don't want to have to carry a bloody pony because he was stupid enough to wear metal armor in the Egyptian sun."

"Will do. And by the way, the ambassadors are mad at you. So be careful when you visit them."

"They can't do anything to me, but thanks for the warning, at least." _Probably pissed I left them on the boat._

I went to the rest of the guards first, repeating my questions and advice. Most of them told me the ambassadors were pissed.

I was tempted to prove a point and not even bother with the ambassadors, but since I was stuck with them for at least another month I decided to do the good thing and at least see what they were mad about this time. I may be a bad person, but I really didn't feel like having to work closely with people I didn't like and couldn't stand being around for a bloody month.

With that in mind, I knocked on the door to their shared room. "Who is it?" Emerald sang out.

I sighed internally, and said, "Navarone."

The door ripped open and magic pulled me inside. _Oh fuck, not again…_

I heard the door slam shut behind me and the lock get pulled. _So much for getting the guards to help me…_ Still, I have yet to find a truly dangerous situation I couldn't talk my way out of.

Before either Calix or Emerald could say anything to me, I asked, "I don't suppose either of you brought a flag from home?" _There's a chance I can make it out of here easily…_

Neither of them were expecting that question. Calix answered, before he could be stopped, "Yes, we have one. Why—" He was cut off by Emerald.

"That's not how this is going to work, human. You have a lot to answer for."

"I don't see how. The guards got the same orders I did. You have nothing on me, other than the ability to use magic. And the way in which you're using that makes you little more than a bully." I was doing my best to shame her. I figured, if push came to shove, there was a very small chance she was actually a powerful magic user, and I could escape her. I didn't want to risk tipping my hand at that point, though.

"We're ponies, and we're nobles. You're just a mongrel pulled out of nowhere to serve us. How dare you try to shame us, or lord anything over us?" Calix accosted me.

_Oh, you're on my shit list now, boy_. "The lot of the sapient life form is based on their ability to reason. You obviously scored low on the reasoning level, so I was placed above you in terms of natural rank. Celestia saw this, and put me outside of any of your social structures, and given that, you have nothing on me. You may be a noble, but as far as I'm concerned you're a bloody mite. My job is to do what's best for Equestria. If you keep thinking that, as a pony, you're part of a master race, what I think is best for Equestria will be your permanent removal from any capacity as an ambassador."

"Are you threatening us?" Calix asked.

"No. I'm threatening _you_. All Emerald Script is doing right now is holding me. You're the one insulting everything not a pony, while at the same time going to serve as an ambassador to an extra-pony race. That is a dangerous mix, especially when the people you seem to think are beneath you have a habit of eating just about any meat they can find."

I felt the magic bonds around me fall away. "He's right, Calix. We can't keep doing this. We got exiled here from Equestria because of this. This _is _the end of the line for us!"

I don't think Calix knew I wasn't being held up anymore. He turned on Emerald and said, "If you weren't holding him in place right now, I would do to you what I did to that serving filly! Do not try to stop me from teaching this beast a lesson!"

Emerald visibly blanched at that. I decided then and there that he would not be surviving the trip to Catro. I couldn't kill him here, because that would technically be murder. But anything can happen on a dangerous road, and by the time a body spends a day in the Egyptian sun, it's impossible to tell what killed it.

I flexed, to make sure he knew I was free. When he rounded on me in horror, I just gave him the coldest look I could manage. "You two will not be sharing a room. And Calix, you're to be watched by a guard until we leave tomorrow. Emerald Script, come with me."

We left him there. I told the guard at the door to keep an eye on him, and to keep shifts on him for the rest of the night to make sure he stayed there. Emerald was practically quivering in either fear or rage when we got to what I was told was to be my room for the night.

"What did he do to this serving girl?"

"He… he beat her. Badly. That is why he's here… He has always had a bit of a temper, but he's never used it against me before!"

"Do not worry about him, lass. He will be taken care of. The road to Catro is a long and dangerous one."

"Surely you don't mean… You wouldn't kill him!"

"I meant what I said in there. He is a danger to everyone around him, and to Equestria. We can't send him back, we can't leave him here, and we can't afford to keep him with us in Catro. And anyone that admits to beating someone will have done it more than once, likely. It is not a kind fate that I will give to him, but it is what must be done."

"How can you be so… callous about this? He's a living being!"

"I am a servant of the crown, right now. I have been told to do what is for the best for Equestria. If that means killing one of the ambassadors that is supposed to represent Celestia, then so be it."

"How am I supposed to explain that in my reports to Princess Celestia?"

"He was attacked by bandits in the dangerous roads. That gives us the excuse of the dead ambassador and leverage to use over the king."

"You're cold, Navarone."

"Yes, I am. Feel free to bed here for the night, if you want. I can sleep with the guards."

"This room is big enough for two. I don't care how cold you are, there's no reason we can't share a room."

"If you're really afraid of Calix, I can stay here if you wish. I see no reason for it, but whatever."

"That would be… nice," said with a little smile. Thankfully, she didn't try to push anything. Might have had something to do with the fact that I just told her I'd kill her partner soon.

I didn't even bother trying to find a caravan going the same way we were. We needed to get out of the city as fast as possible, and traveling with a caravan of obvious merchants would mean danger when there were bandits about. A group of six obvious soldiers, a mysterious creature with wings, and what appeared to be a scholar wouldn't be attacked, I was hoping.

Besides, it would be hard to explain why I killed Calix to any caravaners, and they might well kick everyone in my group out of theirs when I did so.

So it was a fairly small group that left the city. Knowing we had to travel light, and that we also had to carry food and water, Emerald was smart enough to let me leave most of their crap behind. With the funds selling that stuff to a merchant gave me, I was able to buy food and water for all eight of us, using native money that wouldn't raise too many questions.

I also skimmed a bit off the top to get a falchion and a few more daggers, so I would hopefully look more threatening when we got where we were going. I had no idea how to use the falchion, but the daggers were pretty simple: Throw and hope you don't miss. I also had a few darker reasons for getting them: If Calix's body was found, we could claim that he went missing and we couldn't stop to wait or look for him. His death would be blamed on bandits.

I also got a holster for the flag, so one of the guards could carry it on a pole on his back. I was hoping that someone would, if not recognize the Equestrian image on it, recognize that it was at least a foreign power, and that messing with us would be bad.

I killed Calix three days outside of town.

I honestly don't know, even now as I sit writing this, how I feel about that. I do not like killing, but I do recognize that sometimes it is the best thing to do. And he was a bad man. Well, a bad pony. He was also a danger to the mission.

But should I have killed him?

None of the guards judged me, I don't think, and the two that were to be assigned to him when we reached the city almost seemed happy about it. Emerald kept her opinions on the matter secret, though I suspected she would not be lying to Celestia about it.

I had a good excuse, if nothing else.

We made pretty good time, all things considered. I'm not going to lie, though: I definitely slowed the group down. Not just with my sensible safety precautions, but also because I can't run like a horse. Or, in this case, a pony. Give them free reign, and they could have made it in six days or less, if they knew where all the water spots were. And it wouldn't have been fair to ride on any of them, because we all had to carry our share of food, water, and everything else. Still, I was able to fly to speed up the process, when the wind was cooperating.

It was not an easy trip. But we did pretty well at it, anyway.

As a small side note, back at home, I used to read a lot. And I mean, _a lot._ I always read about adventurers walking places, and taking a week or something to do it.

You want to know why authors mostly skip over that week?

Traveling. Is. Boring. As. Fuck.

Especially in the hot sun, in an empty desert, with possible bandit activity all around you. It's walking and walking and walking, then a bit of flying, then some more walking. You go to bed late, set out quarter watches until morning, with everyone getting a turn each night. Then you wake up exhausted and have to keep walking.

There were two relatively interesting things that happened those nine days, and half of them were me killing Calix. The other thing was running into a small group of about twenty cat people roaming the deserts, looking for any traders. When we saw them in the distance, I almost lost my shit thinking they were bandits.

Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if they actually were bandits, but just didn't see any reason to attack our group. Despite what I told Calix, I honestly don't think any of the cat people would eat a pony.

Anyway, we finally made it to Catro after nine long, boring days of travel.

And God, seeing that city made those nine days worth it. We crested a dune around the time the sun was setting behind us, and saw the city in the red light of the sunset. Minarets cast massive shadows spanning the entire city. Light bouncing off parts of the Nile cast a glow to parts of the lower slums, making even their ramshackle appearance light up before our eyes. We could barely see the tips of the pyramids sticking out to the west. The city's administrative center, the massive palace, was located on our side of the river. It took up several blocks, and was several stories high.

It was a wonderful view.

We made it into the city just as night was falling. I had never been here before, so I had no idea how bad any crime would be. Since I was part of a foreign ambassador team, I didn't have to peace-bind my weapons, which was nice. I was hoping I wouldn't need them, but hell, you never know.

And yes, as it turns out, we _were _expected. However, they were expecting us to come down the river, not to walk here. Which, as I took a second to think about it, would have made a hell of a lot more sense.

But whatever. We were given very nice accommodations near the palace. After checking the rooms for anything that shouldn't be there—which I admit, I honestly had no real idea how to do—I washed the dust and grime off and went to bloody bed. I was basically just hoping that there were no hidey-holes for eavesdropping or poison in anything.

Oh, and if any readers are wondering why I didn't seem to suffer from much jet lag, well, traveling on a slow moving boat removes much of that. I did have some problems, yes, but they were hardly of note.

The next morning, I laid down the basic rules for the group: "Don't leave this building alone. For any reason. We are not in Equestria anymore, and there are some groups that do not like us being here at all. They might or might not hesitate to use murder to achieve their goals of getting us gone. I do not want to explain to Celestia why any of her guards disappeared, or why our remaining ambassador was kidnapped off the street."

One of the night guards spoke up, "Does that rule apply to you?"

I scoffed, "Hell no."

Emerald interjected, "Perhaps, Navarone, it should apply to you most of all. You are here as a symbol of Equestrian power. If any enemies can take you out of the picture, that would be a crushing blow for our relations in the area. We would appear weak, if nothing else."

"And that's precisely why I shouldn't be guarded. If I'm to appear as a symbol of power, I shouldn't need guards. I should be able to take on anything they throw at me." That wasn't the real reason, mind, but that was good enough. The truth was that I just didn't want to be bothered by guards. Either way, though, she bought it.

"The second thing is to never trust anyone except each other. I know you come from a land of happiness and plenty, but here there are liars. Plenty of them. Some people will tell you the truth and some people will tell you lies. Some will mix it up."

The other night guard spoke up, "What of you, human? I've heard it said that little of what you say is true, and what is true is so full of fluff it's hard to tell what you really mean."

"The difference is that you _know _I'm a liar. You already know most of what I'm saying isn't true, so you're prepared to counter that. But here, you don't know who is who. Just be prepared. Any other stupid comments?"

There weren't. They even left the obvious thing unsaid: _If we know you're a liar, why are we even listening to you?_

"My last warning is to beware the food. It's spicy. And it might be poisonous. A good way to get rid of rival diplomats is poison, after all. Enjoy your stay in Egypt."

I think I just convinced a few of them to go on diets.

Emerald did chime in on that, with a contribution I was extremely pleased to hear: "Part of my diplomat training actually included a magic lesson in identifying poison. We shouldn't have to worry about that. The spiciness, though, I can't help with." Thank God for that, at least.

Our palace liaison wasn't due for a few hours, so I had a bit of time to do a more thorough sweep of our building. I was hoping I wouldn't find anything, so I wouldn't have to take time to deal with it, but just because you hope something is true doesn't mean that's what will happen.

Thankfully, I didn't actually find anything. There were a few hidden rooms, yes, but as far as I could tell none of those rooms bordered anywhere important, so we didn't have to worry about anyone eavesdropping. I told the guards about them, and let them deal with it. I was kind of hoping they'd make signs or something that said, 'secret room here,' but all they did was just note their positions.

Despite my killing Calix, Emerald was still rather pushy about me actually wearing the getup Rarity had made for me. I was planning on not putting it on and just sort of not bringing it up at all, but she was having none of it. And perhaps killing Calix had a part in why I caved so easily on the issue of wearing it; I wouldn't be surprised if I was feeling some manner of hidden guilt for the probable trauma I caused Emerald, and was dealing with it by assenting to her demands.

Either way, I put the ridiculous thing on, and felt like a total bloody fruit. I swear, the thing did its best to hold up my wings and make them completely noticeable, which was not at all comforting. I don't know if Rarity actually hated me, or if this was her way of doing me a favor. Heh. She made me a pushup bra for my wings. Now I know how women feel, I guess.

I was looking at myself in the mirror, wondering where I was going to put any weapons, when someone knocked at the door. It was one of the guards, to say, "The liaison is here. She claims she knows you."

_Well, there just went any good feeling I had…_ Jocasta or Kat, one of the two. At least it wasn't Rock. He never was that impressed with my fighting ability. Probably because the fighting ability I used was slitting throats instead of using a massive weapon and swinging it around like I own the place.

I grabbed two of my daggers and put them in my boots. Better than nothing, at least, and it meant I did have some manner of protection if it did turn out to be Kat.

Which, of course, it was.

"Navarone! We have so much to catch up on!" she exclaimed, as soon as she saw me. I froze as soon as I saw her. My mind went blank. _Oh God._ She ran up to give me a hug that I was too surprised not to return. Her hands behind my back went straight to my wings. I felt my mind caving slightly under the feeling of her touching me like that. _Not again… I won't be her pet again._ I felt the reassuring weight of the daggers in my boots. I saw the guards—pony guards—around me. I knew I was in control here, not her. I felt sanity slowly returning to me, and I knew I could do this.

When she released me, I responded, "Aye, lass, we might. First, though, we have business to deal with. I don't reckon you've met our ambassador yet. She should be down shortly. Name's Emerald Script."

"I was told to expect two of them."

"He's a bit dead. Killed by bandits on the way in."

I was saved further explanation by the arrival of Emerald. Kat made a half bow to her after a questioning glance my way and a small nod from me. I introduced the two.

Emerald asked me, "Is this one of the freedom fighters that was with you in the liberation movement?"

"Yes, she was one of the leaders," I answered. "You'll have to ask her for anything more about her; I was given as little information as possible during that little episode."

"I'm right here, you know."

"Yes, I know; you're rather noticeable," I responded.

"Now, Navarone, that's no way to treat guests," Emerald said.

"Oh, we're old friends. I understand," Kat said, with a wink at me.

_You know, if I could make that whole relationship dynamic equal, I could actually have fun with this chick…_ I shook that thought from my mind. After what she did to me? It would take a lot of convincing. "So, Kat, what's first on today's bloody agenda?"

"You're to be greeted by Jim Johnson, our leader." His real name, I shit you not. "There's to be a lunch with him and several other leaders. Jocasta and Rock will both be there. I'm glad I don't have to tell you to change, Nav. Those rags you insisted on wearing in the desert would not be suitable here."

"I was… convinced… against wearing them," with a pointed look at Emerald.

Kat smiled at her, and said, "I bet magic is a much easier way to get him to do what you want. We had to use ropes and chains."

Emerald smiled conspiratorially, and responded, "Magic is all well and good, but I think I might have to try rope one day. He just doesn't seem to learn his lesson."

I couldn't tell if the guards were smiling at my discomfort or at her joke.

When we left for the palace, Kat made a point in curling her arm around mine. I honestly don't know if she thought she was trying to compete with Emerald or if she was just trying to be cute. She chatted idly about her time since we had left, intermixed with details of the parts of the city we passed.

The four guards—three day, one night—we brought watched the crowd around us warily, never letting Emerald—or, I noticed with a bit of surprise, me—out of their eyes for long. Emerald was listening to Kat's talk impassively, smiling at some parts of it and seeming to drift in and out of actually paying attention. I figured she was nervous at meeting everyone while relatively alone. _Maybe I really shouldn't have killed that fellow_… It felt like the right thing to me, honestly. Still, I was probably _too _quick to kill him. What's done is done, though.

It didn't take us that long to get to the palace, but the leisurely rate we were walking, and the way we were almost constantly surrounded by a shifting crowd of curious cat people, seemed to make the walk take hours. We made it in ten minutes, but I felt like a day had passed on that walk. I was planning to fly in the future, if I had the option.

Something Kat said actually pricked my ears. I tuned in. "Now that we're not trying to hide, you'll have to take my flying one day, Nav. I know for some reason you always took that creepy Miguel with you when you went liberating camps, but I was hoping for more than a short jump. Tell me, is it true that you can sit on clouds?"

"Aye, lass, I can. Not like we'll find many of those here, though."

"I've also heard unicorns can change the weather, though," said with a pointed gaze at Emerald.

"Some can," Emerald said. "However, I do not know the technique."

"Shame. We'll have to find a solution to that, then."

"Why, lass? There are plenty of clouds for me to settle on in Equestria. I don't need any here."

"So you can hold me up on one, of course! Why else?"

"You might be underwhelmed. Clouds feel very different to someone that isn't magically attuned to them. When I first walked upon the clouds, I did so without wings or any manner of pegasus magic. They felt cold and wet, not at all something I would happily walk on."

"It is still something I would like to try…" said with another tweak of my wings.

It was going to be a long month.

At least Rock and Jocasta didn't care about me being there. Kat tried to engage them in conversation about me, but they basically said meh and turned away to greet Emerald instead. I wasn't complaining. I had no idea how much work it took to get Rock to wear a uniform, but he was looking even scarier in it than he had before. And I never really liked Jocasta anyway, after the whole almost causing me to starve while letting me be raped thing.

Though when I realized what their disinterest opened me up to, I started to wish they'd care a bit more. See, we weren't the only ones at the lunch thing. There was, of course, Jim the leader guy. There were also various dignitaries, and heads of all manner of guilds and cartels and ex-slavers and whatnot. I'm somewhat surprised they even got Rock in here without him cracking some skulls in revenge.

But without Jocasta or Rock to act as a decent buffer, and since Emerald and the guards were occupied, it was pretty much me with Kat still on my arm against all the important people that had heard legends of what I had done and wanted to know more about me, or secure my support for various ideas and projects.

I was floundering in deep water, there. I told what tales I thought were appropriate when that question was asked. I told the truth about some of my exploits. I had no idea how to answer some of their questions, about personal plans or supporting so-and-so. Thankfully, Kat made herself useful and answered those for me, "Nav doesn't know much about the local politics yet. Give him a few weeks and he might have an answer."

I didn't mention that I was going to be gone in a few weeks.

Jim did make a point to ask me a few questions himself. "So what brings you back to Africa, Navarone? I know your first experience here didn't paint a nice picture in your mind of our land."

"I'm here as extra muscle for the security detachment. I fear I'll be needed now more than ever, after one of our diplomats already had an unfortunate and fatal accident."

"The deserts are a dangerous place, as I'm sure we both well know. How long are you going to be here?"

"_I'm_ only going to be here for about a month or so, depending on how well Emerald Script settles in. I imagine they'll be here as long as they're needed, or allowed."

"A month, eh? I'll have to arrange another meeting in that time. We have some matters to discuss, you and I."

"My first responsibility is to the Equestrian crown, but if I have no responsibilities for the princess to do, I'll come at your call."

"You don't have to fake any nationalism for my behalf, Nav. I know where your loyalties lie."

_To myself and whoever holds my leash at the time,_ is what I wanted to say. I instead answered with, "You might. Tell me later when you want to talk, and I'll see if I can be there."

He nodded, and the swirls of the party swept us around and I found myself facing yet another rich merchant. I sighed inwardly and got ready to tell yet another tale of the last bloody battle we fought.

About an hour after the party thing started, Kat started trying to get me alone. I don't know if she wanted to talk in private or do something a bit more intimate, but either way I was forced to deny her.

"I can't, lass. I'm a part of security. If I leave and something happens, it'll mean my head."

"I wasn't near you when your princess joined us at the canal, but I was able to see her from where I was. The way she was looking at you, she would never harm you. Besides, nothing will happen here. Despite some of their words, even the slavers realize we probably need Equestria's help, now that we lost our slave labor. No one would dare harm the diplomat."

"You don't know Celestia like I do. And you say no one will harm Emerald Script, but I can't afford to take that chance. We can talk later, back at the embassy."

After a few more half-hearted attempts to pull me away, she gave up. Despite myself, I realized I actually did want to talk to her later.

About two hours after the party started, I was beginning to wish I had taken her up on that offer. This bloody thing was boring as hell, without a Twilight or someone else to romance. Emerald's other guards were taking the wait well, but this is what they were trained for. I was getting bored of answering question after question from various dignitaries about pony politics or my personal stance on things.

A few seemed to think I was closer to Celestia than I actually was, and asked all manner of disturbing questions that I don't want to repeat here in case she actually reads this.

Several were far more subtle with their questions, asking me small things about the state of Equestria itself. My answers, if I had given them, would have told them all manner of things about Celestia's leadership and the state of the economy there.

The party was nearing its third hour when I just said fuck it. The dignitaries were leaving and being replaced by a new batch, and I was determined to bail before more people could pester me with questions. Duty is great, and all, but I'm really not the kind of person to just stand around and talk to people like these for hours.

I managed to abandon Kat while she was talking to someone in my stead, and carefully picked my way to Emerald. She was looking about as bored as I felt, but hell, this was actually her job.

When she saw me waiting to talk, she made to finish her conversation with the random cat she was talking to, and motioned me forward. I asked, "How's your first day as an ambassador?"

"Exhausting. You owe me a lot for killing Calix."

"It was for the best and you know it."

"So what did you want? I assume there's a reason you abandoned your… friend to talk to me."

"I was planning on asking if I was needed here any longer. Parties like this… they aren't my style."

"And you decided to actually consult my opinion first? Shocking."

"In public, you're in charge, lass. Besides, I'm supposed to be an operative, basically. If I finish talking to you and then mysteriously disappear, it means they'll suspect you sent me off to do something. And if I were to do, say, this," as I pulled a dagger smoothly out of my boot and made a show of cleaning my fingernails as I continued, "and then left, people will suspect what you sent me to do was dangerous, furthering the image I'm supposed to have."

"And what makes you think we're being watched? I see no one looking at us."

"You're the official star of this party, and I'm the unofficial one. And instead of talking to others, as we're supposed to be, we're talking to each other. Everyone in this room is watching us."

"And if I am asked why you approached me instead of the other way around?"

"You have magic that no one here understands. Just imply that you used it to call me."

"Based on what you've seen so far, how likely is there to be an actual attack here, today?"

"Very unlikely. Your guards are watching people like hawks, and there are local guards spread throughout the crowd disguised like merchants. Anyone other than me that pulls a knife in this party will be put down like a bloody dog before they get within five feet of you." I sheathed the knife.

"Go, then. But leave your cat friend here. I might need her later."

"With pleasure." With a mocking bow and a large smile on my face, I disappeared through a side door I had earlier judged to be unlocked. Thankfully, it led to a corridor instead of a broom closet, which would have been very awkward.

I wandered around the palace for a few minutes, completely and totally lost. I finally approached a servant and asked him to lead me to a balcony. I got an odd look, but I fluttered my wings a bit and he nodded, as if understanding.

When he got me to one, I thanked the fellow, pulled myself onto the ledge, spread my wings wide, and jumped.

It was a nice, short flight back. I scared a few local guards that weren't expecting any fliers, though.

I found that there was, thankfully, a roof access on our building. I pulled the hatch open from outside and looked in.

And saw two cat assassins looking back at me with complete surprise in their eyes.

I don't know who was more surprised. I just know I recovered first, and slammed the door shut as they tried to pull themselves up, breaking some of their fingers. These two were well trained, though, and made no noise as they forced the door open with me still on it, trying to hold it down.

They were well trained, and I was not trained at all. I had been in a few live fights, but most of what I did was slitting throats, or running away until I could get in the air. All I had were two knives in my boots, while they had who knows what. I took off into the air as soon as they forced the hatch open, and I ripped one of my knives out and threw it, hoping to get lucky.

I did. It hit one of them in the shoulder as he was pulling himself out of the hole. He fell back in, unable to hold himself up.

The other kept coming. Thankfully, they weren't expecting to be fighting anything outside like this, and didn't have any real ranged weapons, other than a few knives actually made for throwing. Those, the assassin did his best to hit me with. I got incredibly lucky, as one hit an iron plate in my clothing and bounced off._ I'm going to have to kiss Rarity for that_… My luck dried up, though, as his next two nailed straight through one of my wings and stuck there.

I don't know if you've ever seen an injured bird flop to the ground, but to be quite honest it's kind of funny. I decided I wouldn't laugh at it anymore, though, now that it happened to me and I know how it felt. I hit the roof of the building hard, and if it wasn't made of… whatever the hell it was made of, it probably would have collapsed under me.

Honestly, as I saw the assassin walk towards me, I thought that would have been a pretty good thing. I would rather survive with some broken bones than die with a slit throat.

I struggled to my feet and pulled my second dagger out of my boot. The assassin stopped when he saw that.

"If you leave right now, I might consider letting you go," I told him.

"Your head was not the one requested, but I'm sure we would be paid for it just the same. If you give in now, I'll make it painless."

Well, shit. I snapped my fingers in defeat. "Well, I gave it a shot. I'm sure you'll come to regret this a lot."

Thankfully, the assassin thought I was a trained specialist fighter, and he approached me very warily. I don't know what he was expecting me to do, but I know he was not at all expecting me to tackle him. I didn't even try to use the dagger, I just jumped at him and tore him to the ground and then started punching.

He was so surprised he didn't bring his dagger to bear until he was already down, and when he tried stabbing me I just grabbed his hand with both of mine and smashed it down onto the roof, forcing him to drop his weapon.

Before I go on, I feel I should mention this: I found out somewhat early on in the Egypt campaign that I was stronger than almost every single cat there. Physically, at least. My bones were tougher and I had more physical strength. They were fast, of course, but I was stronger. If I could get them in a position like this, there was nothing they could do but try to claw me to death.

Which this one most definitely tried to do after I broke his hand that had the dagger. He got one good swipe in on my face before I returned the gesture to his face, breaking his nose and completely knocking him out.

I didn't trust that, though, so I went ahead and nailed him to the roof by his wrists with his own daggers. That accomplished, I checked my wings for damage.

I almost regretted doing that. My left wing was completely fucked. What were normally white feathers were covered in crimson blood, though both of the daggers were thankfully still in, preventing too much from flowing out. I was hoping they weren't poisoned, or leaving them in like that would sign my death warrant.

My wing was looking nasty as hell, but I didn't think there would be any permanent damage, and it didn't look bad enough to need to be dealt with immediately, so I went to check on the other assassin. I grabbed some daggers from the fellow nailed to the roof and slowly peered down the still open hatch.

"What did you do to my apprentice, you monster?"

"Broke his nose, one of his hands, and nailed him to the ceiling by his wrists. He might survive, but he'll never use his hands again. Looks like that won't matter too much to you, though."

That was true. There's a major artery or vein—I forget which—leading from the shoulder into the arm. Cut through that and your enemy will die very, very quickly, unless they are able to stem the flow somehow.

This guy wasn't able to do that, and he was leaking blood all into the room that he was laying in. By the time I got to look at him, he was too weak to even raise his other arm to throw the knife he was barely able to grasp. For good measure, I threw another dagger at him that went straight into his chest. He died hissing.

Look, I don't take chances, and he was dead anyway.

I was afraid to leave this assassin alive up here, but I knew I couldn't kill him without questioning him. I was also afraid to jump into the hatch, in case there was another assassin in waiting down there. But I knew I couldn't get down unless I went in this way; this building wasn't that huge, but it was big enough that I might break something if I jumped off it, and there was no way I could glide down with my wing like this.

So it was with much trepidation that I jumped into the hatch, landing in a crouch as I looked all around me at once.

Seeing nothing, I ripped the dagger from the assassin's chest and looked for the door out of this secret room.

It didn't take me long to find, and not a minute later I and the two guards here were combing the building for any other assassin groups. We didn't find any, thank God.

Before I let my wounds be bound by one of the cat servants we had, I got one of the guards to boost me up to the ceiling, where I pulled the assassin down and into the building. He was still alive, for better or for worse.

With his wounds cauterized and bound—no reason to waste time cleaning them well if he might not survive the questioning—I finally allowed the daggers to be pulled from my wing.

The daggers were serrated. It hurt like hell. The wounds were treated as well as possible and bound. I was hoping Emerald knew some healing, but I doubted it.

The cuts on my face hurt worse than the ones on my wings. They stung like a bitch. I was afraid to look in a mirror, but I know it wasn't pretty. The servants cleaned them and wrapped them as well as possible.

One of the guards asked me, after I had been treated, "Who do you think sent them?"

"Doesn't matter. They showed their hand, and we have one of them alive. I don't think I'll be able to make him talk, but I'll certainly try."

The other guard asked, "Do you think we should send word to the ambassador? Or the king?"

"No to both. Assassins here mean there won't be assassins waiting for her, at least not from the same person. They don't come cheap, so no one would hire more than they need. These two snuck in when there was almost no one here so they could hide until night. If we show that we already took these two out, there's a chance that whoever did it will make a move openly while Emerald is surrounded by hundreds of cats that the assassin can blend into. And we can't tell the king because they might have been his men. If we told him, he could force Emerald Script into somewhere, ostensibly for her safety, but really so he could fabricate a story of how an assassin snuck in to kill her."

"So what do we do now?"

"Wait for this bastard to wake up, and wait for Emerald Script to get back."

"Speaking of that, why are you here, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be guarding her?"

"I got bored of the party."

"Why did Princess Celestia send you here, again?" the day guard asked.

"To deal with shit like this," with a gesture at the injured assassin. "I'd like to see you try to question him. Hooves have no delicacy, and we couldn't trust any cat to do it; they might 'accidentally' slip a dagger in the wrong place and end the questioning prematurely."

"You have a scary mind, human."

Of course, all of my plans were contingent on the assassins being overconfident. If they had someone watching the roof to report success or failure, Emerald might already be dead. There was no need worrying these guards about that, though. If she was dead, we were all three getting the hell out of this place. I wouldn't even stop to say bye.

Okay, I started thinking about it, and I realized my descriptions about the embassy we were in might be hasty and confused. Realize, though, that I typically don't write such things as that down, since they stick in my mind enough to make it not worth the paper used to record it. We had five cat servants, though none were trusted enough to be anywhere near our private conversations, like the one I just had with the guards.

There were ten bedrooms primarily dedicated for use by ponies—and me, since I was with them. Two were not in use, since Calix wasn't here. The two ambassador rooms had decent sized offices in them. I took over the second ambassador room, since it wasn't exactly being used. All ten of these rooms were on the second floor.

The third floor was storage and servant rooms. I found the assassins hiding up here.

The first floor was everything else: kitchens, dining areas, a small greeting hall, and two sitting rooms. Small hidden rooms were dotted here and there, but most were, as I said, small.

After we found the assassins, I mandated that all hidden rooms were to be kept open, and that if they were ever closed for something they would be presumed to be hiding assassins.

We didn't have to wait long for the assassin to wake up. And when he did, we definitely knew it; he woke up screaming about his hands.

I slapped him across the face. He kept yelling. I slapped him again. Finally, I covered his mouth with my hand and hoped he wouldn't bite me.

"When I remove my hand, you will answer my questions." I waited until some recognition returned to his eyes. "Who hired you?" I removed my hand.

He regained his composure very quickly. "You know I can't tell you that."

"Look, I'm not in the mood for this. Every time you refuse to tell me something, I will remove something from your body. I will ask you again, who hired you?"

He didn't say anything.

I took a dagger, forced his mouth open, and pried out a front tooth.

"Who hired you?"

"You're crazy!"

"Look, I don't like hurting people. I really don't. But if you keep this up, I will keep hurting you. I will remove all your teeth, I will remove your fingers joint by joint, I will remove your toes, and then I'll just get creative." He stared at me in horror. "I'm not a trained torturer. I take no pleasure in it, either. But I promise you, I will not let you die if you don't tell me what I want to know. I will cut off everything, and leave you alive. I will drop you off in the middle of a city with nothing and leave you there, after making sure you're fed enough to survive for a while. Who hired you?"

I don't know if it was the pleasant, calm voice I said it in, or the words themselves, but he opened up a bit.

"I… I don't know who paid the money, but we were contacted by a pony called Joseph. He was red, with a mark of hooves." _Anton_…

"Where and when are you to meet him again?"

"In three days, at the base of the Sphinx."

"What was your mission?"

"Kill the ambassadors."

"Why?"

"We weren't told. Please, I don't know!" It didn't matter, anyway.

"Was there any manner of code that you needed to get to this pony that contacted you, or did you just have to be there?"

"I don't know! My partner had all the details!"

I pried another tooth out.

"Please, I don't know!"

I cut off a knuckle on his left pinky finger, and then cauterized it with a dagger I had sitting in a bed of coals. The two pony guards watching were looking somewhat queasy. I felt the same way; I detest causing pain. I absolutely fucking hate it. But there was a point to this pain. I needed answers if I was going to keep Emerald alive.

The prisoner was trying not to scream. I gave him a minute, and then demanded an answer. He finally gave it, weeping, "The rising sun will not set here."

"Good…" I gagged him and wiped the dagger off on his coat.

He gazed at me piteously, perhaps wishing for a mercy I was loath to grant him yet.

"First lesson, son: Check information before you kill the prisoner. We'll see if your contact is where he's supposed to be, first. So," I said, turning to the guards, "how do we dispose of bodies discretely here?"

They both looked like they were about to be sick.

I sighed. "I have to do everything around here, don't I?"

In the end, I stripped the body of everything useful and wrapped it in a carpet. I tied the bundle to the back of one the guards and told them to dump it in the Nile while no one was looking.

Seriously.

I could have actually disposed of it in a smart way, if I cared enough, but I didn't have the time or the room, or some of the supplies. If I had more time before Emerald got back I would have, at the very least, carried it a day into the desert. But I also had a date to make with Anton.

Still, I figured the Nile had a pretty high number of bodies dumped into it, and one more wouldn't raise too many suspicions.

Rarity's poor clothes… They were pretty covered in blood, now, and cut in some places from the knife that hit iron plates and bounced oddly. I know I said I hated the getup, but I also know that a lot of work went into it, and I regret that it had to come to such a sad end. Especially after it saved my life.

I went up to my room to change.

When I was up there, I saw a mirror. _Oh yeah, that'll be a scar_… Thankfully, he missed my eyes, my nostrils, and my lips. Still, the cuts went pretty deep. Magic might be able to stop it from scarring, but I don't know. All in all, though, I think I came out of that encounter on top. Thank God for luck, I suppose.

I changed and then went to wait for either Emerald or the two guards, whoever got back first.

While I waited I worked to catch up a bit on my journal. I did what I could, but my head was starting to hurt. Not the stinging hurt from the cuts, but a headache caused by the pain of the cuts. Or at least, that's what I was hoping it was; I didn't think to ask the assassin if any of his stuff was poisoned.

So much for the coming spring I was promised. I left in our spring and got here in their fall, soon to be winter. And here I was, killing people again. This time I even had the choice—and a good reason—to have kept Calix alive. I still hate killing, detest it even, but it's starting to feel less and less like something I'm forced to do and something I just accept as necessary.

If this is what the future holds in store for me, I'm glad I haven't taken Celestia's offer of near eternal life.

Emerald took another hour to get back with her escort of four guards and Kat. Emerald took one look at my face and blood-stained wing and ordered everyone else out of the room. "What happened?"

"Assassins waiting in a hidden room upstairs. One dead, one upstairs, bound. I have the name, location, and time they need to meet their contact."

"Where's the body of the dead one?" Not how did he die, but where are the bodies. This chick was going places.

"The guards that were here are dumping it in the Nile. I removed everything of value from him first, so it would look like a robbery if he's found."

"What do you think we should tell the king?"

"Nothing, until I meet with the contact. We don't know if the king is the one behind it."

"He could give us help we desperately need, now that we know we're a target."

"Help that could wait until our backs are turned before slipping a knife in us. We wait until we deal with the contact. The problem is, I know this guy, the contact. He knows how I look when I wear desert clothes, so I can't be the one that meets him, not personally. We need two cats we can trust to go, or I can shoot him from afar and move in close to secure him before he can get too far away. Or we can abandon all subtlety and just sprint in and take him."

"It might send a better message if we just don't show up. I don't know if I want to risk anypony going after this guy. You dealing with these assassins might be enough of a message to the rest."

"I'll be gone in a month, lass. I'd rather take out the man that sent the assassins than hope that he won't send any more."

"Who could we send to collect their contact, though?"

"Without telling anyone, I don't know. I would say the best thing to do would be to just take him out as fast as possible, but I can't fly with my wings like this. I could shoot him from afar and send the guards in to collect him, but he might not be alone. I know our guards are fighters, but I don't think they've ever been in a real fight. Especially not against someone with a blade."

"If you really think we need to do this that might be the best option."

"Well, I did say I wanted to see the Sphinx… The contact will be there in three days. I don't know when, so I guess we'll be camping there for a bit."

"What should I do in the meantime?"

"Act natural. If anyone asks why I'm injured just say it had to do with why I left the party."

"What if the contact isn't there? If I'm seen after today, and no big fuss is made about me being dead, he probably won't even show up."

_Shit, why didn't I think of that?_ "We still need to try. If he doesn't show he doesn't show. Maybe we'll get lucky."

"What about the assassin that's still alive?"

"Depending on how the meeting with the contact goes, I'll drag the assassin to the king and use him as proof that we were attacked. If we find out that the king ordered the attack, we use the assassin as proof that the king tried to kill us."

"Can I see him?"

"I don't know if you want to. If you think I look bad, this guy might make you sick. He was… reluctant… to share information."

"You didn't… torture him?"

"When I ask questions, I expect an answer."

"You monster!"

"I know. I don't suppose you know how to heal?"

"I wouldn't heal you if I could! I might have some mercy on the prisoner, but not you, not after that!"

"He was going to kill you! I was just protecting you!"

"Take me to him."

I did.

He was passed out or dead, I don't know which. Blood loss and shock probably had him near death. The gag was bloody from the teeth I removed, and the coagulated blood from his wrists and pinky made nasty little pools where he lay. The mass of burnt tissue and fur on both arms where I nailed him to the roof made it quite clear he would never use his hands again.

Emerald took one look at him and left the room. She refused to even look at me.

I went to find Kat and the other guards. I found her idly toying with the ends of one of their wings, much to that guard's discomfort. The other guards were watching with veiled humor.

"Guards, go talk to Emerald Script. She has a bit to fill you in on."

They left, after giving my injuries several odd looks. Kat was staring at the dried blood staining my wing.

When the guards left, she asked, "What happened to you, Nav?"

"I ran into a scrap. Tell me, do you recognize this?" I said, handing her one of the assassin's daggers.

She was clearly surprised to see it, and dropped it in shock when she looked at it. "Where did you get this?"

"I ran into two cats that seemed to think it was a good idea to attack me."

"Did you kill them?"

"I killed half of them. The other one lives, but is in no position to attack again."

"Good! The guild that these two work for will only take on a single job to take out a target. If they fail, the will never try again, since the target earned the right to live by taking out the assassins sent." _People here are so_ stupid! _Why is honor such a big factor in this world?_

"How do you know so much about them?"

"They used to use slaves as assassins." She left it at that. _Interesting_…

"I need you to not tell the king about this yet, if you can avoid it. Their contact is due to meet them in three days, and I don't know if it was the king that hired them to do this."

"The contact will never show up if the mark isn't dead. And you can't afford to fake a death, not this soon. And I _have _to tell the king. It's my job."

"I'll let you help wash my wing if you wait."

"I don't know if it would be worth it, Nav. I'm really fond of my head."

"If anyone asks why you didn't tell him, just say that you didn't know. If anyone asks how I got injured, just say that it was part of why I was sent from the party."

Her eyes widened a bit. "_That's_ why you left? How did she know there were assassins?"

"She's a unicorn. They have magic." Well, that sounds better than, 'I don't like parties so I left and got lucky when I ran into them.'

"You are a very dangerous team, you and that unicorn."

"That's why I'm here, lass. Do we have an agreement?"

"Throw in letting me see the assassin before you kill him, and yes."

"If he's still alive, you can. I don't know if he'll survive what I did to him."

"You'll have to tell me the story while we're… washing."

An indeterminate amount of time later found us lounged on my bed, with me lying across her lap and her idly stroking my healthy wing—which actually felt kind of nice, now that it wasn't forced.

"You realize, of course, that if you show up there will probably be a trap," she was saying.

"Shit, you're bloody right." She was, now that I thought about it. It would be the perfect chance to catch and kill the guards—and me—that came to try to collect the informant. "Dammit, that means we either can't go or we're going to have to be very careful. God, I wish we could trust mercenaries…"

"What would you say if I could get you the strongest fighter and best assassin in Egypt?"

"I'd say no." I paused. "Christ, one way or another we'll have to tell the king. Might as well get a contingent of guards to help us."

"You don't trust me?"

"There's only so many favors I'm willing to accept before I start thinking you're saving up for something."

She snorted at that. "What could I possibly need from a citizen of Equestria?"

"Depends on what you're looking for. Adventure, escape, who knows?"

She flinched when I said escape. "Well, I was going to wait a while to bring this up, but… It's nice, working with Jocasta and Rock, but there are still some cats here in Egypt that don't much like the idea of me walking free. That problem might be solved with that assassin you have locked up, it might not. If he's the one, or his friend was, I owe you more than you can possibly know."

"If you want, we can go see him now. He might be awake. Now that I'm pretty sure we're going to have to tell the king anyway, I don't see any problem with it."

She got a very vicious smile on her face. I warned her, "Don't kill or hurt him anymore than he already is. We might still need him as proof."

"Don't worry, Nav. No matter what kind of training your sadistic princess might have given you, no one knows how to torture better than I. I know the limits of every cat's body, just by looking at it."

Kat scares me more and more every time I talk to her.

The day guard Emerald posted was reluctant to let Kat through. "Navarone, Emerald Script said no cat was to enter this room."

"She got that instruction from me. I'm rescinding it. This lass just pointed out something that likely saved all our lives anyway, so the least you could do is stand aside."

"I don't know…" he said. "Do you think we should at least ask the ambassador first?"

"She isn't talking to me right now. Move."

With a very uncertain look at Kat, he did. I didn't have to look behind me to know she had a Cheshire cat grin on her face.

That smile lessened when she saw the fellow on the table. "That's an apprentice," she told me. "An older one, but an apprentice. You might have killed the master he was working under. And you almost killed this one, looking at him. What the hell did you do to him, Nav?"

"I'm not as good at torturing people as you are. I just cut pieces of him off until he talked. He's missing a few teeth and a knuckle. And he'll never use his hands again."

"Killing him will be a mercy, then. An assassin is no good without hands. Can you wake him up?"

I prodded the fellow. He groaned as he woke up, and I swear I think he almost teared up when he saw me.

Kat saw that and giggled. "There's something to be said for crudeness, I suppose. Remember me, Mark?"

The prisoner turned his head at her and his eyes widened even more. I removed his gag.

"Cleo? You're supposed to be… My master was right!"

"You're lucky I've promised not to hurt you, or you would be feeling more pain for using that name. Still, I know a few ways to bribe my friend here. He might let me have some fun with you. So watch your tone, boy."

"What do you want, traitor?"

She looked to me. I shook my head, slightly.

"Information," she answered, frowning. "Your master is still the one that wanted me dead, yes?"

He tried spitting at her, but nothing but a wee bit of blood dribbled down his mouth. Kat looked at me again. I sighed.

I thought about this for a while, as I was writing this, and I decided not to describe anything she did to him. The guard came in as soon as he started screaming, and watched in mute horror. Whereas before, the guards just looked like they _might _be sick, this one actually was, at one point. I almost joined him, a few times. And the prisoner never once lost consciousness.

Kat got the information she wanted, in the end. And when she did, she couldn't stop hugging me. With her nasty, gore-encrusted hands.

As it turns out, the fellow I had killed was the main supporter in the assassination cartel that was trying to round up all the escaped assassin slaves to either force them back into the cartel or deal with them in a more permanent manner. With that fellow dead, she was safe. As safe as anyone here, at least.

Talk about coincidence. And luck. If that other guy I killed was a master assassin, and this apprentice gave me a run for my money, I wouldn't have had a snowball's chance in hell against the master.

I nodded at the guy on the table, "So what do we do with him now?"

"Give him to the king. I don't care."

"Will he survive that long?"

"Oh, yes. Nothing I did is fatal, just remarkably painful."

"I'm glad I've never pissed you off."

"Oh, come now, Nav! I'd need to study you _much _better to know how to cause you that much pain. You may be bipedal, but you're hardly a cat. I can torture cats, dogs, and I know a little about ponies. I wouldn't even want to try a naga. I have no idea where to even start with you. If you want, though, we can go and I can study you a bit more…"

The guard stared at her with open incredulity. I felt much the same. She had just tortured a dude, with a smile on her face the whole time, and now she wanted to…

_Now I remember why I thought she was crazy._

Thankfully, I had a very good excuse. "Sadly, lass, I must pass. As you said, there's likely to be a trap set for us. I need to talk Emerald into letting me give this guy to the king, after I talked her out of it earlier. And that requires getting her to talk to me again at all."

"What did you do to put a bee in her bonnet?" _How the hell would she know that idiom?_

"She's a pony. A noble, at that. She doesn't like torture."

Kat looked at her paws. Her bloody, gore splattered paws. "Maybe I shouldn't go with you when you talk to her."

"That might be for the best. Go wash up. I'll have you take us back to the palace after I talk to Emerald Script." I turned to the guard, "And not a word of this to Emerald Script. If she asks how he got like this, pretend you don't speak English." I honestly didn't know if he was going to obey that. His morals should say he should tell her. Chain of command and fear says he shouldn't. Logic says he should. Hell, she was going to be in charge of him longer than I was; might as well get in her good graces.

Actually, thinking about it, I don't know how the chain of command dictated this. I mean, technically I was outside of it, not on top of it. I was here as a direct agent of the crown, basically an Inquisitor. I don't know if that gave me rank over that of an ambassador in the guards' minds, though.

I think I was going to find out soon, though.

Kat went off to the washroom. The guard took his post again. I went off to find Emerald.

Thankfully, I found her looking for me. She had a letter with her from Celestia. She gave it to me without a word, and refused to acknowledge me further.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

I sighed and opened the letter.

It read, "I expected you to wait longer to kill Calix. I sent you there with him so you would, though I will deny it to your dying day if you tell anypony I said that. I was expecting you to end up killing Emerald Script as well, honestly, but after looking at her reports I don't think that will be the case.

"It is very good you managed to deal with those assassins. But I will never allow or condone torture. From this point on you are forbidden from torturing a prisoner in my name, for any reason. I don't care what kind of information you think the prisoner might have. Don't even bother asking me for permission.

"Now that I think you might trust Emerald Script, I will actually put some real faith in this mission. I was honestly expecting it to fail. Maybe it was something you said to her, but she seems to have handled herself fine on the first day.

"I know you find this hard, but you must trust the king. If he betrays you, it honestly won't matter if you succeed or fail in this mission; I cannot support another rebellion right now. The king they have is the king they'll keep, as far as I'm concerned. If he betrays you, get out of Egypt however you can. I will allow you to do anything to do that, even torture, if it means you, Emerald Script, and the guards get back safely.

"Trusting the king means giving him the assassin. By the time you read this, Emerald Script will probably have already ordered him moved. She is very upset with you. In fact, she wanted you called back to Equestria for discipline immediately. I think some things I told her will put her back on speaking terms, but it's up to you to close that gap back up. Honestly, though, it doesn't really matter. Depending on how this situation with the assassin goes, you might soon be on your way back anyway. I don't want to cause the king political trouble by keeping you there.

"I'm expecting a full report when you get back. And expect to see Luna when you do, as well."

I looked up and noticed Kat standing behind me, trying to read over my shoulder. "Who's Luna?" she asked as I turned.

"Celestia's sister. Don't read my bloody orders."

"That looks more like a personal letter than orders, to me."

"Celestia is very informal."

"I'll say, letting her subjects call her by name."

"Most people don't, out of respect. I'm just a bad person."

"Are you sure it isn't that there's something going on between you two?"

"I'm not attracted to ponies."

"But you have no problems with cats?"

"You look a hell of a lot more like a human than they do." _And I suppose I got used to it while it was forced_ is something I kind of wanted to say.

She sniffed at that. "I'd be willing to put good salt on your princess being willing to take you as a lover, if you asked."

"Trust me when I say she wouldn't even consider it. Drop it."

"Fine. But you're the one missing out."

I can just imagine Celestia laughing her ass off if she was eavesdropping on that conversation. Either way, I think it'll be something to leave out of my 'report.'

"Now, we need to head Emerald Script and the guards off, if they are escorting this prisoner to the king. Yes, we have to let him go, but I should probably be there when he gets presented."

"Nav, you're not all important. Put some faith in your ambassador. That might be a good way to get back on her good side."

"This is a hell of a thing to trust her with. If she screws this up she might piss the king off as bad as if it was actually him that sent the assassins. And if it was him, I might have to pull her out of the fire."

"If it was the king, there's nothing you can do. By now, if they're already gone. And trust has to start somewhere. Might as well be here."

"…_Was _it the king?"

"As far as I know, no, it wasn't. And I'm not lying, either. My word, to the one that saved my life."

I sighed. "Fine. But if it ends up with our heads on the block, do your best to speak on my behalf. If Emerald Script screws it up, that's on her. But I don't want to lose my head for her mistake."

"I won't let the king kill you. I know a few good places to hide you, if it comes to that."

"I'll go ahead and tell you that the last time I tried hiding in the king's harem, it didn't turn out well for me at all. I don't even want to talk about it."

"Well, I still have plenty of _other _hiding spots, but that was actually one of them. You'll have to tell me that story one day."

"That might be a bad idea, for more reasons than one. But if I can't watch to make sure Emerald Script does the right thing, I will at least need to know what she does. Would you be willing to go and spy for me?"

"I'm hardly privy to the king's briefings with foreign powers."

"But you are an ex-assassin. I'm sure you could manage to sneak in."

"Hm… Will you promise to take me flying?"

"If my wing heals before I leave, and I don't have any duties preventing me, yes. With my wing as it is, I don't know if I could get myself in the air, let alone someone else."

"You're lucky we're such good friends, human. I don't think I'd let many people talk me into something like this."

"A friend with benefits is the best kind of friend there is."

"We don't have that term here, but I think I know what you mean. We call it something else." I think I could guess.

"Good luck, lass, and thanks. Report back whenever you can."

"What will you be doing, in the mean time?"

"I wish I could say that I would be starting up a spy network across the city, but these wounds really, really hurt. Hell, I don't know how to set up something like that anyway. You'll have to help me with it."

"Why would you even need it?"

"It's in the best interest of a foreign ambassador to know how the people feel about them. That way, they know how hard they can push the king. If the king tries to go to war or kick out the ambassador of a popular nation, the people will be unhappy. And the people here just got done with one manner of revolution, so don't think that won't be fresh on their mind."

"It is good you are able to think in matters of politics. My specialties are somewhat… different. I might help you make your network, later. For now, I will see you soon."

I went to find how many guards I was left with. I wasn't planning on doing anything, but I needed to know if they were still in my camp, after Emerald found out what happened to the prisoner. I could foresee a few problems if she was trying to undermine my authority over them. The authority that might or might not exist. It would be good, in the long run, if they were supporting Emerald over me.

But at the same time, I knew that if I had only Kat's support in the coming days, I would run into several problems. First, that I'd lose legitimacy. I would look more like an agent of the king rather than an agent of Celestia. Second, I didn't know how far I could trust Kat. She said I saved her life, but that could have been a ruse to get my trust. That assassin definitely knew her, but he didn't confirm anything she told me, and the things he did say could have been said under stress of torture. She could just be working for the king to get into my inner circle, to hopefully learn whatever she could. Which could have been why she was reading over my shoulder. Third, working with her for too long would drive me mad. Fourth, I'll need the guards' trust if I'm to keep the ambassador safe, even if she is being bitchy. And finally, they're just fun to talk to sometimes.

With that in mind, I went to find a guard. When I did, I said, "So the ambassador is kind of mad at me."

The day guard didn't say anything.

"I need to know, how long are the guards going to be on my side?"

He looked away.

I said, "I know you're only following orders. And I know you don't like what I did to the prisoner. But some things have to be done. You have your orders and I have mine. And you're wise to listen to her over me; in the long run it will benefit you more. Assuming she survives. But I will likely need some help in the coming weeks with things that the ambassador will not approve of. I may be an agent of the crown, but I'm not perfect. Will I be able to count on the support of the guards?"

He took a minute to respond. "I can't speak for us all. I detest what you did to that prisoner. It sickened me. And then you let that… monster at him. But I understand that you are doing it for Equestria, and to build trust with the king here. Our loyalty is to Equestria and Celestia above all else, even the ambassador. If you can give a good reasoning for what you do, and I can get away from the ambassador, I will help you if you call. But I cannot speak for the rest."

"That's all I can ask for, I suppose. If you're going to be supporting me, the first thing I'll need help with is an escape route. I need as many as I can get. Assume in some that we have the ambassador and that in some we don't, so we can utilize wings."

"Why would you want our help with that?"

"Because I can't think of everything myself. There will always be something I'll miss. The more people that scrutinize a plan, the better the chances of ironing out all the small problems." _And the more likely that plan is to be scrapped._

"I'll give it some thought."

I nodded, thanked the fellow, and went up to my room. My face really was burning where it _was _scratched. The cuts weren't large, but they were deep. There was a lot to do. Escape routes to plan, spy networks to build, important people to get on our side, Anton to deal with… Well, it would be interesting, anyway. Hm. May you live in interesting times, indeed.

Kat didn't report back to me until the next morning, which I honestly didn't mind that much. It was pretty late by the time Emerald and the guards got back anyway, so it probably would have been later by the time she got back. Either way, I was asleep, so she would have had to wake me up.

And when I did wake up, I woke up groaning. My head was pounding and my wing wasn't that much better. I checked my face in the mirror and saw a bit of fresh blood on the bandages. Not much, but enough that they had to be changed.

I was doing that when Kat waltzed in, without knocking and with no announcement. I heard the door open and was scrambling for a dagger before I realized it was her. She smiled at that.

"I have good news for you, Navarone," she said, as she sat on my bed. "But I don't know if I should give it to you, yet. You still seem rather… undressed."

"Doors were invented for a reason, lass." I didn't even bother hastening to cover up, but I did at least put some pants on.

"You didn't _have _to put anything on, you know. I could think of some fun things to do after I tell you the news."

"Pleasure will have to wait, I fear. There is much to be done and I've only a short while in which to do some of it."

"Fine, have it your way. You won't have to deal with the informer at all. The king has taken over the investigation."

"Shit. That's good and bad. I don't know if I should be happy or sad about it."

"Less work for you."

"And I have no way to influence how it works out. And I have no way of knowing if the king will be honest in his dealings with the assassin cabal, if he ever roots them out. I don't even know if he'll _try_. Good for the king, that he's doing this, but not as good for me. He gets the approval from the people that he's actively trying to root out crime, and everyone that's pro-Equestria will be happy he's helping us."

"Either way, it is still good for your image, especially given that little show you put on at the party before you left."

"True." I wasn't about to tell her that image was the only reason I was here anyway. I don't know why I had so many plans in the first place. Honestly, all I had to do was spend the month looking threatening. Escape plans are always good to have, of course. But the spy network was completely my idea and mostly unnecessary. I just wanted to try it because I thought it would be interesting.

"Did Emerald Script handle herself well during the interview?"

"Remarkably so. It wasn't how I would have handled it, but she did very well for herself. You're worrying over nothing, Nav. She'll be fine."

"Good enough for me. What did the king do with the assassin?"

She smiled. "You can hear his screams from half a kilometer away."

"Emerald Script will be pleased at that, I imagine…"

"That was the one stickling point. She proposed to let him go. The king… disagreed."

"Good that he did. I don't want to let the enemy know what I'm capable of."

"You took out an assassination team headed by a high master. I think they're well aware of what you can do." _Luck. Lots and lots of luck._

"Personally, I'd have just killed the fellow. No reason to keep him alive anymore, other than sadistic glee."

"Maybe for your kind of investigation. But when you want to take down the entire cabal, everything you can learn is useful. Shame you killed the master and captured the apprentice."

"What's done is done. I don't know what Emerald Script has planned for the day, but now that the whole assassin problem is being dealt with, I would like to get started on that bloody spy network. I figure the first place we should start is the brothels."

"You would say that."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, but still." I know it sounds odd, but who hears the most news in a city? Brothels, of course. When men have sex, they talk. And when men come in on caravans or whatnot, the first place they go is to a brothel. So if you can get the brothels reporting to you things that people say, you'll often hear news from outside of the town before anyone else does, and in a generally more pure way, without having to deal with rumors.

"After that, I was thinking about hitting up taverns, seeing who is pro-Equestria and who isn't. Slip a little gold here and there, see who is willing to send a few scraps of info our way."

"Better be careful with bits, in this city. Flash too much of that and footpads might get a little eager with their knives."

"Between you and me I think we can handle everything that comes after us. And if all else fails, either of us could requisition a detachment of guards to escort us back to friendly territory."

"If we have to do that, your entire network will collapse. It would be all over the streets."

"I'd rather be alive with nothing than dead with something."

"Just saying."

"I don't really care what the criminals are doing here, so we really don't have to hit too many seedy taverns anyway."

"It's always a good idea to know what the criminal element is doing."

"For me and you, maybe. But I won't be here forever. Emerald Script won't care, when she inherits the system."

"Do you honestly think she'll use it anyway?"

"If she's as smart as you think she is, yes. Information networks can go both ways. Slip something you want known out, and you can get it spread all over the city in a heartbeat."

"If you've never done this before, how do you know so much about it?"

_I read a lot._ "Training."

"Sounds good to me, then. Shall we go see what the ambassador plans?"

"Might as bloody well," I said. "If she's willing to talk to me."

I put on more clothing, and finished changing the bandage first. No reason to go to her half naked and bloody.

When we got to the ambassador's room, the guard let us in with a small warning, "Be careful, Navarone."

Emerald was at a desk, writing. She looked up when I entered, and said, "Sit, Navarone, Kat."

I still haven't figured out why ponies have chairs. How the hell do they sit down?

Anyway, we both did. Kat was about to say something, but I took her hand and shook my head slightly, then let her go. Emerald was trying the same trick Jocasta pulled on me: Wait them out to make them give up control in the conversation. If Kat was on my side here, and she spoke first, it would hurt me.

So we waited. Thankfully, Emerald didn't have much time to try to outwait us, and gave up that tactic after ten minutes.

"I trust your letter from the princess suited you," she said to me, looking up.

"I'm glad I got it when I did. A few minutes sooner and it would have put a real damper on things." She pursed her lips. I knew antagonizing her probably wasn't a wise move, especially now, but eh.

"I was beginning to think, before this incident, that you truly regretted what happened with Calix." She was being discrete because Kat was there, I assumed. "But this little episode is making me think otherwise. The letter I received from the princess paints you in an interesting light, but she is not here. She is not seeing what I am seeing. She did not see the body of that cat as he struggled to breathe. Why she is letting you, of all ponies, represent Equestria is beyond me."

I can honestly see where Emerald is coming from with that, and looking back I can agree. These cat people have had one oppressive and torturous regime after another. They've known crime, torture, and oppression. Now, they finally have a chance for peace, and to be allied with a massive, strong, _peaceful _foreign empire. But their image for that empire is me. I was there at the revolution and I'm here now. I'm violent, 'powerful,' and strong. And I represent the interests of a peaceful nation. What kind of 'better tomorrow' do I promise? I would just seem like more of the same, once you got past the whole revolution thing.

So yes, I can see where she's coming from. But at the same time, I did what had to be done. There is no other way around it. I would not have known what I now know without asking the questions I did, and using the methods I did to ask them.

So I just said, "You've heard my rationalizations. There is no need for me to explain it again. What is on today's agenda?"

"The king is keeping me out of sight until the day after they try to intercept the contact. I'm to remain here until then. _You_, however, are to be seen about in the city, asking questions. Kat, would you kindly leave us for a moment?"

Kat stood up and, with a small bow, walked out.

When she was gone, Emerald said, "Your fascination with her cannot get in the way of your duties. Or in the way of my duties. And you can't take her back to Equestria, either, so don't even get that thought in your head."

"Why the hell would I want to do that? That bitch scares the hell out of me! I wouldn't have her anywhere within a hundred miles of either princess, or any of my friends."

"But you have no problem being around her, or letting her come here?"

"She is useful. But she has a price, of course."

"Keep that price in mind when you deal with her. If it is something you alone cannot pay, don't accept her help. I don't want to get Equestria involved in your debts."

"Different kind of price," I said, with a general motion I'm sure she understood.

"And the king gave her to us as a guide? This place is crazy, Navarone."

"I warned you. I warned the guards. I warned Celestia. Just be glad we're not down in the Congo. The heart of darkness down there would have driven all of you mad."

"…What?"

"Nothing. Just something from back in my world. What kind of questions do I need to be asking?"

"Anything. Offer bribes, if you have to. _Those_, the treasury will cover, if I deem them necessary." _Perfect_. "I would order you to take guards, but they wouldn't follow that order if I gave it. I don't know what you did to them, but they seem to be on your side more often that they're on mine."

"Their loyalty is to the princesses above all else. And she gave you the status of ambassador and me the status of agent of the crown. Agents are usually outside of the chain of command, meaning that I can usually avoid having to follow orders given but can at the same time give orders, if I can justify them well enough. Doesn't mean they have to be followed, though."

"Why did Princess Celestia tell me none of this?"

_She was expecting you to piss me off so I'd kill you_. "She probably wasn't expecting me to actually take my role seriously."

"I will have to request updated instructions on how to deal with you."  
_Rule one: Don't piss me off. Rule two: Let me do what I need to do._

"If that's all you need, I'll bugger off. The sooner I get into position the sooner I can get to doing nothing."

She dismissed me.

Kat was waiting for me in my room.

Wearing nothing.

I sighed. _The things I do for Equestria…_

An indeterminate amount of time later, we were both getting kicked out of a brothel by a very large cat.

Thankfully, I was at that time disguised, but that was hardly a consolation. When the door had been slammed behind us, I turned to her and said, "I thought you had done this before!"

"No, I let you assume that I had done this before. I've used a spy network, but I've never built one."

"…" I gave her a look mean enough so that she could hear the ellipsis.

"What?"

I shook my head. "If we keep this up we're going to get killed. Violently. Let's head back to the richer side of the city. At least there I can do what I'm supposed to be actually doing, with considerably less risk." And I can possibly build _something _up by making pointed remarks.

We started walking. She said to me, "If you really want to keep what you're doing here hidden, we should probably lose our tails." Meaning someone was following us. Great.

"Kill or evade?"

"Evade if possible, kill if not. Shame you can't fly yet."

We both had rucksacks with spare clothes in them, so we could move around the city with less notice. The problem with that, of course, means that we were carrying bags with something in them in them in the poor parts of the city. If there's a bag, it means you have something. Something that could be worth something.

Unless our trail knew I was human, all I had to do was take off my head mask and they'd probably turn around and walk away. Or run away, probably. But that could present problems, as they probably just saw me get kicked out of a brothel. What we needed was a place to hide for a few minutes so we could both change, or so at least I could change.

But experienced cutpurses are very good at not letting their target get out of sight, or at least not for long.

Thankfully, we were in a pretty crowded area, and neither of us actually had purses on us. They would have to confront us directly in order to get at our money, and not even a mass of poor people would let a thief get away. It was more of an annoyance than anything, really. We couldn't get too far into the richer areas without getting kicked out by guards, but neither could the follower. We couldn't change, because we might be seen. So we were stuck until we dealt with him or lost him.

"We could just politely ask him to leave," I suggested.

"How confident are you in your running skills?"

"Cats are faster than I am. But I'm stronger than most cats. Fighting this fellow shouldn't be that hard."

"I've dealt with footpads in the past. But I have never, ever tried reasoning with one. That sounds… interesting."

I wasn't expecting her to actually take me seriously. She turned and walked up to a fellow that was standing near a door, looking somewhat confused. I followed her. "So, why are you following us?" she asked.

"I… I don't know what you're talking about," he responded.

"I would very much appreciate it if you stopped," I said.

"And how else am I supposed to feed my family?" he asked vehemently. "Being in slavery for all of my life gave me no useful skills and no money! This is all I can do!"

"Not our problem. Follow us and you'll catch a blade in your heart, if you're lucky," Kat said. The poor cat following us looked like he was about to cry.

I had a bit of an idea, and snapped my fingers. I removed my head piece. The ex-slave gasped, as did a few of the cats that had stopped to watch. Now the kid really looked like he was about to run away or just die on the spot.

"Let's go for a little walk. I think you and I should talk," I said. Kat gave me a look that I ignored as I grabbed the fellow gently by the arm. He barely tried to resist as I led him along.

When we were away from most of the spectators, I put my head piece back on and led the group down a small alley.

"Now," I said, "despite what you may have heard, I'm not a monster. Well, sort of not a monster. Either way, I'm not a terrible person."_ A lie, of course._

"I heard you killed a thousand cats on the March of Liberation!" he accused me.

"More like ten, at most. Most of what I did was letting people free or planning. Now, in the end I was probably responsible for that many deaths, but it was not my hand that did it."

"I also heard you took on ten assassins at once recently!"

"How did that already get out?" I asked Kat. She shrugged. "Whatever. It was two. I killed one and captured the other. They attacked me first, and were going to attack my ambassador. How does that make me a monster?"

"Only a monster could kill two assassins like that."

"Or a well trained Agent of the Equestrian Crown." I made sure you could hear the capitals.

"A peaceful nation produced such a violent agent?"

"Sometimes violence is what is needed to get the job done. Sometimes, but not always. You, for example, could have been taken care of with violence. Reason and compassion are occasionally good ways of dealing with things."

"So you talk to me and let me go. What good will that do me? I'll still starve because of your actions!"

I dug in my pocket and held up a bit. "I'm offering you a job. Bits for information. I won't be here forever, and I can't keep our ambassador informed of how the city feels. I need to plant seeds and find people that are willing to send information to her. She will need to know how the people feel about Equestria and several other things. Those rich nobles she'll normally be talking to will tell her nothing but what she wants to hear. But the people will tell her the truth."

"So you want me to spy for you. Spy on my own people, for money."

"Not spying. Just telling her things she needs to know." _So yes, spying._ "What kind of important secrets will a peasant find? All you are doing is telling her how the city feels. You're finding opinions, not facts. And possibly news, if you think it is important."

"What makes you think anything I say will be important?"

"You are a freed slave. You are one of many. Ask friends and family questions. Ask them opinions. And when you report to the ambassador, ask her for questions to ask them. If you prove useful, you will be rewarded. If not, well, at least you tried. And if nothing else, it is a better job than risking your life as a thief. And it will give you some bits that you can use to get started learning useful skills."

He was silent for a few seconds. "I'll try," he finally said. "If nothing else, this money will keep me alive for a while. Where do I go to report?"

Oh, shit. "I don't suppose you know how to write?"

He smiled nastily. "That's the one thing I was taught, as a slave. I was a record keeper."_ And that's not a useful skill? Fucking Egypt, man._

"If you can, write up your reports and drop them off at the embassy. Just ask any guard where it is."

"Asking a guard where the embassy is looking like that will get you booted right back to the lower city," Kat said. She explained to him where it was. I nodded in thanks.

"Mark your notes for 'The Dude.'" To be honest, I had never seen that movie, but I thought it was a neat sounding name. Not like they would catch the reference anyway. "Oh, and don't tell anyone you're reporting to us, either."

"I won't tell a soul. Thank you for this, Sphinx." He bowed slightly and ran off.

"Well, that's one contact, at least," I said. I caught Kat smiling at me. "What, imagining me changing already?"

"You just always seem to find a way to surprise me."

"I'm good at that. Let's get out of this place."

The rest of the day was spent in richer bars and inns, playing dice games for small sums and asking questions. Kat was relatively well known, and I was very well known, so we had no lack of company. I asked a few pointed questions in each tavern about assassin cabals, and covered them up with various other questions about the culture and the area.

I was certain what I was saying was going to get reported back to the mastermind.

I also won a few games and got a nice bit of local money. Which was salt. Yay, I guess.

I got a few more contacts, but none of them really had any neat stories attached. Just more innkeepers that were probably lining their pockets with money from reporting to dozens of people.

In case you're wondering, none of the taverns here had alcohol. They did, however, have various manners of getting yourself wasted. For cats, there was cat nip. For ponies, there were special salts. For dogs, there were some mild forms of chocolate, which apparently does something different in this world than it did in mine. For the naga, there was mercury. Nothing for me, though, and I wasn't about to tell people here how to make booze.

When we got back to the embassy, I reported to Emerald to tell her of my efforts with the spy net.

"I… understand, I suppose, why you would want to do this. But how do you think I'm going to pay for it?"

"Magic in some bits from Equestria. Most people here sell themselves cheap. When I'm gone, you inherit the network. Shouldn't be that hard to maintain, as long as the guards don't start arresting people that come by."

"You should have asked me, first, you know. I'm not certain I'm comfortable having cats from the lower city come here."

"He probably won't come often. Just make sure to read what they give you before you pay them. No reason to let them expect to be paid for dropping scraps of paper off that have nothing useful on them."

"I'm not an idiot, Nav. Why did you bring _her _with you?" with a significant glance at Kat.

"Hey, she got me my first contact. She knows this city better than I do, and was very helpful. Now that I know my way around better, I'll get people that the king won't find out about."

"You wound me," Kat said. "I'm on your side in this, Nav, not the king's. I remember old friends."

"I know that and you know that, lass, but my ambassador is properly learning paranoia."

I got a mean look from Emerald for that one.

"What?" I asked. "You're going to have a fun time back in Equestria, after this assignment. Trust me on that. At least you won't have combat reflexes drilled into you like I did. I almost stabbed Luna when she surprised me one day." A bit of an understatement, in more ways than one.

Emerald sighed. "I know, Nav. This place is not like Equestria at all. I'm still in shock that I was almost killed! Saved by you, thankfully. And I never did thank you for it… So thank you, Navarone. Thank you for saving my life."

"It's what I'm here for, lass. Well, one of the reasons I'm here. Tell me, what am I to be doing tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow, you are supposed to stay here all day. Don't be seen. The day after that, depending on how the ambush goes, we return to active duty."

"Good. Tomorrow is going to be boring, though. At least it'll give me a chance to heal a bit."

"Am I to be running any errands for you?" Kat asked with a bit of a hopeful lilt to her voice.

"No, Kat. If I'm dead and Navarone is here planning the return trip, what use will you be? I'm sure the king will find something for you to do."

Kat sighed at that. I was somewhat relieved. I wasn't lying about being happy to get a chance to heal a bit. Having her around to pester me would be a bit counterproductive.

I spent the next day looking around the embassy some more, avoiding open windows. I wasn't really expecting to find anything, I was just bloody bored. We didn't bring any books with us, as that would have been more weight through the desert. I spent a bit talking with the guards. For all looking the same, they had vastly different personalities. I gave and took advice from them. I asked them, academically, how they approached mares when off duty. Not for myself, mind, but because I kept getting bloody asked back home.

When I asked that question, I wasn't expecting the looks that came with it. I did my best to reassure the first one, a night guard: "I'm not asking for myself, man."

He looked at me. "We don't talk about it, but we know what happened between you and Princess Luna. I think you already know how to approach mares."

"That was a bloody accident. And look how that turned out anyway!"

"Still, I don't know if I should give you any advice on a matter like this."

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"You end up flying against the wall again like a broken ragdoll? Or worse yet, you end up banished from her presence or her eternal slave."

"See, I told Spike that could happen!"

"That doesn't happen often, mind," he warned. "You have to really piss her off or screw up badly."

"Well, this advice isn't for me anyway. I keep getting asked how to approach mares back home. I don't know why they're asking me, but they do."

"Asking _you _for advice? Hah! I can't even imagine you getting a human woman, scrawny as you are."

"Scrawny don't mean shit. Give me my weapons and enough time and I could take down any target."

"You couldn't take down Princess Celestia or Princess Luna if you tried."

"I wouldn't dare attack either, just because I don't know what effects it would have on this world. I'm positive I could kill them, but I wouldn't."

"You've obviously never seen them use magic, if you think you could kill them."

"I'm not stupid enough to attack her head on. Poison, a knife in the night, a shot from far away… I could bring them down. I just have no reason to."

"Sounds like you need to be taken down a peg or two. You forget that both are being guarded constantly."

"I could probably kill either, guards or not. I'd offer to do it as a training exercise, but we're both here, and they're half a world away. Besides, most of my strength comes from being stealthy. If the guards knew I was coming, it would be harder."

"You're very arrogant. I say you should ask the princess yourself if you can turn it into a training exercise. After all the trouble you've put some of the guards through, I'm sure they'd be happy to beat you down."

"After the whole Africa campaign, I'm pretty sure I've saved the guards more trouble than I gave them. But we digress. Do you have any advice for me or not?"

He rolled his eyes and told me pretty much what I was expecting to hear. I got similar answers from the other guards.

After a day of doing basically nothing, my wounds were feeling a hell of a lot better. I was still thinking the ones on my face would scar, though I was hoping it wouldn't be too noticeable. Either way, I could probably get the scars healed away. Hell, Luna's first healing removed most of mine.

Today was supposed to be the day the contact was taken. If he showed up, which I found myself doubting. More likely that it would be a trap, which was okay with me since none of my men were doing the attacking.

I went to talk to Emerald to see what our agenda for the day was. I found her fretting and pacing nervously in her room. "What's wrong, lass?"

"I'm just so nervous about this contact situation! If he isn't caught, when will the next attempt on my life come? Ponies aren't supposed to deal with stuff like this!"

"You shouldn't have to worry about another attack from that assassin group. Kat told me they won't accept two contracts on the same person. If you're really worried, you can ask the king to give us different accommodations, or more guards."

"I'd feel much better if I didn't know you were leaving soon. You're the only reason I'm still alive. Not like my guards did anything to stop that attack…"

"I'm sure the assassins would have been stopped before they got to you, lass. As it was, I don't think they were even there long when I found them. They were likely waiting for you to get back. The guards would have stopped them before they got to you. Besides, I thought you were still mad at me."

"I feel like I should be, but the princess and I both know that all you've done was done for the best. It's just hard to think that when you see the grisly results…"

"It's done and over with. What's on our agenda for today?"

"Laying low until the ambush party gets back with or without the contact. When they get back, we go to see the king."

"I feel I should let you know now, before it becomes a possible issue: The king wants my help with something. He didn't say what. I think he's going to try to bribe me to do whatever it is."

"Why would he think he can bribe you? What would he even try to bribe you with?"

"He probably still holds to the belief that I'm a mercenary, and that I'm in this business for money. I don't know why he would still be thinking that, but whatever. I might be able to use it to our advantage. It's not like I have to help him with whatever it is."

"Interesting… Keep me abreast of anything he asks you to do. If it won't endanger you or the mission, feel free to do whatever it is. At least one of us might as well come out of this endeavor a bit richer than before."

"I don't think salt will do me any good back home. Not like I really need money anyway, with both of the princesses looking out for me."

"I didn't figure you to be one for living off the kindness of another."

"I don't. I earn my pay doing stuff like this."

"Fair enough. So their money here is salt? Do they know ponies use that as a stimulant?"

"Yes, they do, and they think it's hilarious. That said, they'll also take bits if you have it. I wouldn't be surprised if their official system is bits and their unofficial is just salt, because it's so useful."

"I'll have to see about asking the king to set this place up on Equestria's gold standard. That would be one way for us to become closer, and to facilitate trade."

"That's none of my business. I want nothing to do with the economy."

"Lucky you. Sadly, I'm stuck doing all this work now. Alone. Since, you know, _you _killed my partner."

"Yeah, that's such a shame," I said wistfully, pretending to not catch the hint.

She harrumphed. "You know, I'm sure your human mind has all kinds of interesting ideas in it…"

"I've had people think that before, yes. And they are correct that it does."

"Any help you could give me would be… appreciated." _Why the slight pause?_

"I'll keep that in mind."

She waited for more, but got nothing. "We have a while before the ambush party is due back…"

I sighed. "Fine, if you really want to bloody know." I spent a while detailing how the American economy works. When it works, that is. I don't know how it's going now, but when I was stolen, everything was tanking.

When I finished, she just said, "Humans are crazy!" I couldn't disagree.

In the rest of the time we had left until the royal emissary came to get us, I decided to try to learn how to juggle. I don't know why.

I was failing rather badly at my efforts when a guard came by and told me to get ready to go.

"Any word on what the locals found?"

"Not that I was told," he answered.

I shrugged and grabbed my gear. There was no need to go about hiding who I was here, so I didn't bother with all the concealing clothing. Just grabbed my crossbow, a random quiver, a few knives, and went to find some news.

Kat was waiting for us all in the front lobby area.

"Well, lass, are we safe?" I asked.

"I'll wait to say until the ambassador is here."

"Little tease…" I couldn't read her, either. Ah well. Either way, I'd probably be gone soon enough.

Thankfully, Emerald didn't take long to get there. "Well, Kat, are we safe?" she asked.

"We didn't nab the contact, but we did wipe out an ambush. They weren't expecting the numbers we brought."

"Any losses?" I asked.

"None that were important. And we think we know the name of the cat responsible."

"It could just be a fake," I warned. "I wouldn't be too surprised if they were given a fake name when told who they were working for."

"Not likely. We caught the chief bodyguard of one of the biggest pro-slavery barons in Egypt. Soldiers are on the way to arrest the baron as we speak."

"I don't envy them. Anyone that can pay for assassins and wield a large enough army to risk men in an ambush probably has a large standing guard force paid to be well loyal. And he'll know someone is coming, if his men haven't reported back yet."

"That's why I'm here, instead of in the assault. Are you ready to go talk with the king?"

I nodded and Emerald said, "Lead the way."

I don't feel like describing local politics, and honestly, it isn't that important. So I'll just say that when the king got an excuse to take down a powerful baron that was basically opposing him, he very happily took it. Doing so greatly increased his own power, and it put all the other barons on their toes.

So the king was very happy to see us again. "Feeling well, Navarone?" he boomed as soon as we stepped in.

"Better than the other fellows, majesty," I answered.

"Quite. I don't suppose you'd want another crack at the fellow that did that to you? He's still alive, I think."

"I don't torture for pleasure. As far as I'm concerned, his usefulness is over and should be put down. No reason to leave him suffering."

"His usefulness to _you _is over. But he is still part of a guild of assassins that I am very interested in putting down."

"It is your kingdom, lord."

"Yes, it is. And I have you and your patron to thank for that. And I have you and your ambassador here to thank for helping me keep it. I won't forget that." I bowed my head in response. I mean, what was I supposed to say?

Thankfully, Emerald took over. I don't actually know what the hell she was trying to get from the guy. I mean, I know ambassadors do… stuff, I guess, but I've never really thought to care what.

And I didn't think to care now. I zoned out of their conversation rather quickly. I was supposed to be a guard anyway, so I figured I'd just sort of look around, pretending to watch for assassins or whatnot.

The throne room we were in was lavish, but thankfully not that garish. I think Rarity would have given it a grudging approval, though I'm sure she would have rushed to 'improve' most of it. There were no windows, which was a smart move. One official way out, though I was guessing there were hidden exits dotted about. The throne was wooden, engraved with all manner of scenes, all of which I later learned were pivotal points in the history of Egypt. I didn't see the revolution anywhere on there, though.

The king's guards were lazily watching us from the foot of the small dais the throne was on. Our guards were doing their best to watch everything without the impression of moving. They had almost failed once, and they weren't going to risk it happening again.

I was watching all this, so it came as a bit of a surprise when the conversation came to a close. "I don't suppose you'd mind if I talked to Navarone a bit, would you, ambassador?"

"He shouldn't have a hard time finding his way back. It wouldn't be his first time. You can borrow him for now. If I need him, I have a way of calling him." _Like I'm a bloody pet_. At least I had warned her beforehand. Now she wouldn't be concerned about it.

The ponies bowed their way out, pulling Kat along with them. I fixed my gaze on the king.

"So. Navarone. I don't suppose you'd be willing to take a little job on the side for me? It would pay well, I promise you."

"That depends on what the job is, lord."

"You question the job, rather than the pay? What manner of mercenary are you?"

I smiled at that. "I told you true when we met on the field east of the Suez. I am not a mercenary. I am an agent. However, if there is a job you need help with, I might be able to do it."

"Hmph. And how can I trust you'll settle the manner according to my needs instead of according to Celestia's needs?"

"I will not betray Equestria or Princess Celestia, and I will always put Celestia's interests above yours. I am if nothing else a loyal subject. If your job asks me to betray them, tell me so I can go back to the embassy now."

"No!" he said, too quickly. "No, human," said slower. "I need you. I do not think it will be a betrayal of Equestria or Celestia."

"Tell me your job, then. I'll decide myself."

"First, let me see that dagger at your waist."

I handed it over, with a raised eyebrow.

"As I thought… this is naga work, yes?"

I looked at it. That was one of the knives I got from the naga. The sword was stolen by the slaves. "Yes, lord."

He handed it back, and started to pace somewhat angrily. "There is a group of desert naga living under the Sphinx. I think they get their water from the Nile. I need their support, but they refuse to see any of my messengers, cat, dog, or pony. I don't have any dragons to ask for me, and naga mercenaries are so rare and I don't think I could find one willing to risk going down there. But with that dagger, you could get in."

"I did not know this dagger was like a key."

"Not quite like a key. But there is apparently a custom among naga: Anyone with a naga weapon is welcome into their caves, as long as they come in peace."

"Are naga weapons so rare that you'd need this thing?" I asked.

"Yes. Exceedingly rare. You must have broken into a naga cave to get that, or killed a naga from a main group that was migrating. They don't let those weapons get far from the main group."

"Glad I haven't lost it, then. What, exactly, do you want me to do?"

"Get in and ask them what I can do to buy their loyalty."

"And if their answer is negative?"

"Ask them what I can do to ensure they won't sell themselves out to an enemy."

"And if that answer is negative?"

"Come back to me. I might have you help me wipe out their nest, if that's the case."

"I won't fight under another foreign flag. But if I can draw you up a map I will."

He shrugged. "I have soldiers aplenty." I was tempted to smack him for saying that, but smacking a king is usually a bad idea.

"What is the pay?"

"Whatever you think your services are worth. Tell me what you want when you get back." Interesting.

"When do you want this done?"

"As soon as possible."

"I'll go change and do it right now, then. I'll bring an answer back as soon as I can."

"Why would you need to change?"

"The naga I met hate wings. I want mine to be hidden while I meet these."

"I will have to remember that. Go in peace, Navarone."

I stopped at the embassy long enough to change, warn Emerald where I was going to be, and grab Kat.

"Why do you need me to go?" Kat asked.

"So I don't get lost on the way to the Sphinx, and so I can find the entrance to the caverns they're living in." That, and I was planning on trying to fly back if I could, and with her there I could solve two obligations for the price of one.

It took us a few hours to walk through the city, and another hour to reach the Sphinx. It doesn't look like that long of a distance, but it's a lot longer when you're weaving through crowds and trying to find a direct route through the city.

Thankfully, the city guards still had a cordon around the Sphinx from the raid earlier, so getting in was no large problem. The guards were slightly hesitant to let us in, but when they saw my face and my wings they folded.

And I finally got my first close up look at the Sphinx. Body of a human male, bird-like wings, and head of a cat. Complete opposite of my world.

I asked Kat, "Why did the naga allow such a thing to be built over the entrance to their caverns?"

She looked at me, somewhat surprised. "The king didn't tell you? The naga commissioned the statue. It was built with slave labor. Nobody knows why they commissioned it or how they paid, or at least no one told any of us."

"As long as it isn't part of some ancient prophecy that I have to fulfill, I don't suppose it matters. I just want an answer." I started unwinding the bandage around my head. "No reason to go in there looking too injured…" I muttered.

"Do you want me to try to go in with you?" Kat asked.

"I don't think they'd let you in. If you want to wait here, I was planning on trying to fly back, if my wings were up to it. Or you could head on back, if you want."

She looked at me somewhat dubiously. "I don't think your wings can take two right now. I saw the damage in them better than you did. I'll see you back at the embassy."

I shrugged and went into the door on the side of the Sphinx. Despite it being winter out there, it was really bloody hot in the daylight. The freezing cold in the nights was an annoying contrast. I was really hoping this whole mess would be over quickly so I could get back to the city before night fell.

My eyes were starting to adjust to the darkness when I saw a few hulking shadows slink out of darkness of a larger connecting room. "What is your business here, creature?"

I slowly pulled the dagger out of its sheath and presented it to him, hilt first. He took it, and I said, "Shelter for a spell, if you'll have me. And a word with your leader, if possible."

"This is not a clan I've seen a symbol for. But it is definitely naga make. Where did you get this?"

"A clan of naga, around three hundred strong, around the middle of Equestria. It was payment for services rendered."

"You are no pony," he accused. I was about to answer when I heard and saw a striker in action as he lit a torch. I squinted in the bright glare. "You are also neither cat nor dog. What are you?"

"Human. Don't be surprised if you haven't heard of me."

His eyes narrowed. "Oh, I've heard of you. Human. Winged. Liberator. Monster." He handed the dagger back. "Friend of naga. Come." _That could have gone worse._

I sheathed it and followed him into the murky shadows beyond the torch's flickering light.

As we walked, the naga said, "Remove the cover over your wings, human. Deception will give you nothing, here." I sighed and did as he said. I stretched them as far as I could, to try to relieve some of the cramps they get when hidden for so long. I could see the tips brushing against the walls of the hallway we were in. I was able to make out the naga stiffening and catching his breath when he realized what I was doing. _These people really don't like wings…_

We had to walk rather far before we started getting to natural caverns, and even farther before we found any signs of habitation. Around the time we hit the natural caverns, my boredom overcame my logic and I started asking questions. "Does your water come from the Nile?"

"Yes, but it goes through much cleaning before it gets to the main cavern. We control it using a system of floodgates and, when necessary, buckets. Not the most pleasant of jobs, but the water rarely needs to be changed, so it thankfully doesn't need to be done often. Where did water come from in the other cavern you visited?"

"I honestly don't know. I think it was a natural spring, but I didn't ask. I had other things on my mind at the time."

"That is likely. Most groups go after natural springs, to save themselves much effort. We just live here for the convenience of being near a large city."

"What do you get from the city?"

"News, food, jobs, any raw materials we can't make ourselves." _If they get jobs from the city, why wouldn't they talk to any emissaries?_

"In the other group, there were warriors stationed near the entrance. Large war bands, not just a few sentries. Do you not fear any attacks?"

"No one in these deserts would be stupid enough to attack any of us. And we know these tunnels better than anyone. One of us could hold an entire invading force back long enough for the other to get to the main cavern and alert all the fighters, and we could spread ourselves out in such a way that no one could get through without losing too many fighters. The only reason we would station a war band near the entrance is if we wanted to be able to attack outside us quickly, or scout for a new location to live."

"I suppose that's what the other group was doing. I helped them wipe out a hostile group of naga."

"What was their number?"

"The enemy numbered at least a hundred. Probably half of those were fighters. We had fifteen naga and me."

"And you killed them all?"

"All but one, yes."

"The naga in your land must be warriors out of legend!"

"It helps that I snuck into the enemy camp and killed about a quarter of them in their sleep, and then lit their camp on fire before fleeing."

"That is not the way of honor. But not all fights are about honor, I suppose."

"When I take on a job, I strive to finish the job. The best way of finishing a job is with the least amount of danger to me and the people I'm working with."

"I find it odd that those naga would have given you a weapon in exchange for a service like that."

"I also used torches to light their ceiling for them. Their main cavern had alcoves carved into the ceiling in the form of stars, and they had me place lit torches in each alcove. That was a long and exhausting job."

"I can imagine. Tell me, if you are a hero to the cat people and an agent for the ponies, why do you seek shelter here?"

"I've a question for your leader, if he'll see me."

"What is your question? Maybe I can answer it."

"Why won't your people respond to the emissaries the king sends?"

"We do. We just don't respond in a manner the king wishes to hear. We refuse to hire ourselves out to him, and have told each of his emissaries the same thing."

"Why won't you work for him?"

"Because we don't get involved in political struggles until it is clear who the winner will be. The king has a very rocky hold on power right now. If we decide to support him and he gets overthrown, we might be persecuted for helping him."

"Wise. But I have some information that might sway your opinion on the rockiness of the king's power."

"This must be rather new information. We keep agents in the city, and they report any wins or losses in the local power struggles."

"I'd be more comfortable speaking to a leader about this. But then, I think I am, aren't I?"

I was guessing that if I could see the naga I would see a smile on his face. "You aren't wrong, Navarone. What gave me away?"

"Most leaders wouldn't pull sentry duty. But most common soldiers wouldn't be able to discuss strategy and politics so openly. I suppose you had someone see me coming and came up using a shortcut to take the place of a sentry, so you could judge my mettle before I arrived in any dangerous position, where I might could hurt your people."

"Astute. What is your new information?"

"One bit is older, and you probably already know it. Which means you don't put as much weight on it as you should. Princess Celestia is supporting King Johnson."

"We knew this."

"The strongest pro-slave baron opposing the king is in the process of being arrested or killed by troops loyal to the king."

"That is happening right now?"

"It either has happened in the past few hours, will happen within the next few hours, or is happening right now. I don't know exactly. There was a skirmish outside the Sphinx today, and that gave us the evidence we needed to bring down the baron."

"That is, indeed, pivotal news. If it is true."

"When you learn that it is true, would you send someone to talk with the king, and tell him you are willing to discuss working with him?"

"Yes. We should learn the truth of this matter within seven surface cycles. Days, I believe you call them. If we learn it to be true, and the raid is successful, we shall send word to the king."

"Cool. I don't suppose there's an exit from these caves near or inside the city?"

"There is. But I think there are some matters for you and our elder to discuss."

"Why?"

"I do not know. But you are the closest thing we have ever seen matching the description that was passed down. I would be a fool to let you leave without talking to the elder."

"If you're going to try to make me pass some ridiculous rites of passage, would you be overly upset if I left?"

"I wouldn't care one whit. The elder would, though, and that means most of the naga here would, so I don't think that would end well."  
_The situations I find myself in…_

The caverns here didn't have any nice sites like the burial chamber or the sapphire chamber, but their main cavern was still a sight to see. There weren't fish in it, though, and I don't think there was any way for the ceiling to be lit up. So it was just a massive, dark chamber with a few circles of light weakly fighting back the encroaching darkness. The leader fellow I was talking with called up a guard to watch me while he went to find the elder.

It took about ten minutes. As soon as the elder got out of the water and got a good look at me, he smacked the younger leader on the back of the head. "Does that look like a cat to you?"

The young guy was rubbing the back of his head and staring daggers at the elder. "You're the one that asked for any leads! This is the closest we've gotten to anything approaching the description. I figured you could ask him some questions or something."

The old one tried to mutter under his breath, but since he was old and bad of hearing it was clearly audible: "Stupid youngsters, bringing ugly fliers down here…" In a louder voice, he said, "Fine! What are you supposed to be, you ugly mutant?"

"I'm supposed to be respectful and kind, but sometimes I change my mind about that."

The young guy was smiling, the guard that was still watching me was glaring at me and making a point of rearranging his weapons, and the old one seemed taken aback for a minute before coughing a laugh and saying, "Oh, you wanna be like that, huh?"

"I would like to be kind and respectful, but if you keep up that attitude I'll change my mind. I don't care how old you are, I'm not above smacking some respect into you."

The guard behind me unsheathed his very long sword. The young leader did the same, with a warning to the guard, "He's a guest, with naga steel to back him up."

"He is threatening our elder!" was the retort.

"As far as I'm concerned, the elder deserves it. And _I _control what guest lives and dies here." The guard lowered his weapon, but didn't put it away until the elder waved him down.

"Fire in you," the elder said. "Good. Don't think that makes you the chosen one."

"Fuck that, I don't want to be the chosen one. Chosen ones have to risk their lives doing things for people that are too inadequate to do it for themselves, and rarely gain anything of note but pain for their troubles."

"Well, you don't match the description anyway…" the elder said. "That scratch on your face. Where did you get it?"

"An assassin. A male cat assassin, so don't get any ideas in your head."

"Hm. Fine. You aren't the one we're looking for." I put my shirt back on while he continued. "However, you are close. I don't suppose you'd be willing to go through some of the trials, as a test run?"

"I would not be. In fact, it possible, I'd kind of like to leave."

"There'd be no danger to you involved. Just a bit of flying."

"My wing was recently injured. I haven't tried flying yet. I might or might not be able to fly at all right now."

"Then all the better to try now, in a safe environment!"

I looked to the young leader, "Can he stop me from leaving?"

"He can make it very difficult."

I sighed. "Fine. Tell me what you want me to do and I'll bloody do it. And then I'll leave."

"Great! Fly to all the lit up points in the room and come back here."

"That's all? Are there any obstacles between the points, or is it all open space?"

He looked down at that and mumbled something. "What was that? I didn't quite catch it," I said.

"He said to watch out for stalactites and stalagmites," the young guy said. "There aren't many, but there are a few." The elder glared at him. "What? You already said he isn't the chosen one. No reason for him to risk cracking his skull if he can't see in the dark."

"Damn right. Cats can see in the dark. I can't," I said.

All three of them looked at me like I was an idiot. "You… you can't see in the dark?" the elder stammered.

"Why would you come into a cavern if you can't see in the dark?" the young guy asked.

"No, I can't see in the dark. And I came here because I was asked to."

"Are you sure he isn't the chosen one?" the guard asked the elder.

"I hope not! This guy's an idiot!" he responded, still looking at me like I just said I forgot how to breathe.

"So… you still want me to fly?"

"Let's just… let's just go, human. I'll lead you to an exit near the city," the young guy tried.

The elder stopped him. "No. I want to see him try it."

"I'll take it nice and slow. Don't want to risk hurting my wings anyway. If I run into anything, it shouldn't hurt that much."

"Your funeral…" the guard muttered.

I did fine. A few close calls, and my wing started to ache a bit near the end, but I made it. I got a lot of looks, and there was a small crowd around the elder when I got back. I did my best to load the crossbow in the air, just in case, and then landed.

"I made it. Your test is fine, old man. Now, where's the exit?"

"What would you do..." he started, and I pointed the crossbow right at him, "…if I said you _were _the chosen one?"

"If you have someone behind me knock me out my finger will pull this trigger and you'll die. I'm not your chosen one. I don't care what you need a chosen one for. I don't care what kind of great evil you're fighting. I don't care what the rewards are. I don't care if you'll threaten to kill me. Where's the exit?"

"Just asking. Show him out," he said to the young guy. He nodded, and began pushing through the crowd. I jumped back into the air and flew over the group of naga in the direction he was heading, crossbow still aimed at the elder.

When he got to me, the fellow said, "Wise. But he was just joking."

"I'm not unloading this thing until I'm back in the city, and I'm not going to stop pointing it at a naga until I'm out of these caves. I refuse to be used by another group of people for a goal that I care nothing about. Four is enough for me."

"Four?"

"Princess Celestia, the slaves, King Johnson, and the naga back in Equestria."

"If all those have you pursuing goals you don't care about, what _do _you care about?"

"Getting back home to my friends and living in peace. My adoptive home, rather, not my original home. That is now beyond me."

"It is good to be among friends, yes. But don't you ever feel the need to serve a cause bigger than yourself?"

"Yes, but I manage to remind myself that most people that dedicate themselves to causes get used up by that cause before too much progress is made. And if you think I willingly went along with any of their requests for help, you're only partially correct. I was captured by the naga and my choice was basically endure captivity until the naga that captured me won out over the invaders, or help the naga deal with their enemies. I refuse to be a captive, or bound forcefully to one place for too long. Princess Celestia blackmailed me. The slaves held a knife to the throat of a friend. And serving the king is an extension of serving Princess Celestia. I just want to live in peace, but here I am, covered in weapons, threatening the life of someone that doesn't deserve to die just so that I won't risk my freedom again."

"You are welcome to stay with us, you know. You may not be our chosen one, but you could help us plan for him. Or her. It would take more manpower than anyone would risk to come and get you."

"It wouldn't take any manpower to get me. Princess Celestia could pluck me from the air with her magic. And then I'd be stuck with one very pissed off employer, with no defense and completely at her mercy."

He looked rather alarmed at that. "She can use magic to take anyone at any time?"

"No, just a few people she's attuned to. She is attuned to me. That has saved my life in the past, so it isn't all bad. Though, to be fair, it was her fault I was in any danger at all."

"Does she automatically know when you are in danger?"

"I don't know how it works. She never explained it. I know she can eavesdrop when she wants, though."

He looked alarmed at that, too. "Aren't you worried she'll hear you talking about her?"

"She's the immortal princess of over half the planet. Surely she has something more important to do than listen to me all day." _Probably_. "And if you are listening, I want it known that this is all said under duress," said with a smile.

The naga smiled, and said, "Quiet, you! Get back to telling us how much you hate your life!"

"Well, a few years ago I was kidnapped from my home plane and forced to live in a fairytale world where ponies and buffalo could talk, cat people and dog people existed, and naga lived in caves. Ever since then life has just had so many twists and turns that I don't know what to do with myself. I accidentally caused someone to fall in love with me, I've been forced to change my shape, I grew wings, and I've had taken from me something that should only ever be freely given on more than one occasion."

"You sound like you need a break."

"I get a few. And then something else comes up. I just can't win. I keep waiting for the spring, but I fear I'm lost too deep in winter to have much hope for the coming warmth."

"Just remember that all seasons turn eventually."

"That doesn't do me any good if I don't survive long enough for that."

"True enough, human. This here is your stop."

We arrived at a ladder leading up to a trap door. "There's no way you have a trap door in the middle of the sandy plain between the city and the Sphinx."

"This leads to a back alley near the edge of the city. Thieves have learned to avoid this particular alley, so don't worry about getting attacked right outside."

"Thanks, mate. And good luck with your chosen one, whatever you need him for."

He rolled his eyes. "I could care less about it. Until I saw you, I thought the elder was a complete nut case. My attitude on that matter is the same as yours: Chosen ones are for those that can't deal with their own problems. Good luck on the surface. Tell the king he'll have his answer soon."

I nodded and climbed my way out.


	27. Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Five—A chance meeting of a lifetime

Darkness greeted me when I cracked open the door. With that darkness came a bone-chilling cold. I wasn't surprised about either. It was nearing sun down by the time we got to the Sphinx, and if my internal clock was anything close to correct, I had been down there for at least two hours. I sighed and pulled myself out of the tunnel.

I figured it was too late to go meeting with the king, so I started picking my way toward the embassy. I was hoping it would be easier, now that it was night and there were less people on the streets. I decided to leave the covering off my wings, to hopefully give any footpads the hint that I was not to be fucked with.

Of course, doing that also had the effect that I called a lot more attention onto myself than I was used to. And I was not at all in a good part of town. A lot of that attention involved whores, and I had no desire to work on the information net at that point, or hire a cheap whore. So I decided to start walking alleys when I thought I could use them to skip large parts of the road. Not safe, I know, and probably not that smart either, but I never did decock the crossbow, so I was feeling a bit confident.

I was making pretty good time, and I only occasionally had to ward off crazy homeless cat or dog people. Most of them too one look at me and fled deeper into their squalor and filth, but a few thought it was a good idea to challenge me. I showed them some bare steel and that shut them down.

And then I ran into a little filly.

She fled before I could get a good look at her, any more to tell than that she was a pony, and young. Without even thinking about it I gave chase. She wasn't hard to catch up to, but she was hard to coax out of her little pit where I couldn't reach her for life or money. I think the only thing that convinced her was when I brushed her with one of my wings.

Looking back, I don't know why I decided to chase her. Not honestly. But 'why' isn't important, I don't suppose. When she came out into the moonlight, I couldn't help but gasp. The little girl was filthy and starving. I got a look at her head and found out that she was a unicorn. I couldn't tell much more about her from that.

"Where are your parents?" I asked. She looked back in her hovel, like she was going to run into it again. I could tell this was going to be difficult.

"What's your name?" I tried. Nothing. "I'm Navarone." I waved my wings at her. "Have you ever seen these before? Or anything like them?" She weakly nodded. "Can you tell me where?"

She barely opened her mouth, and I think she was trying to say something, but her mouth failed her. "Do you want to go somewhere warm?" I asked. A long hesitation, and I started to think I had made a mistake, before I got a nod. I pulled my wing cape/cloak thing out. "I'm going to put this blanket over you, and then pick you up. Is that okay?" She was certainly small enough for it. I don't think I could carry a filly the size of Applebloom for very far, and this one looked to be her age, but she was so malnourished I could probably carry her for miles.

I waited even longer this time before I got a smaller, more hesitant nod. I very gently and slowly draped the cloak over her back, and picked her up with as little force as I could. She still flinched and almost panicked when I touched her, but by that point there was no where she could really run to. I held her in my arms and couldn't help but feel distressed at how light she felt. There was no telling how long she had lived here, alone. If her parents were unicorns, they had to be long gone. Either dead or teleported away. Dead, probably. What parent could abandon a child like that? And there was no telling what she had seen, or what had been done to her.

After that, I stuck on the main roads, and carried her straight to the embassy. If I knew of a hospital or could trust taking her to one if I did know of one, I would have taken her there instead. Thankfully, the embassy was in the nicer part of town, and the road traffic lessened gradually the closer to it we got.

On the way, I kept up a chatter with the little lass, trying to get her to say something. I avoided talk about her parents, or anything that might make her panic again. I just stuck to the weather, and the food and bath she was about to get. She perked up slightly at the mention of food. I knew from books and TV that you can't give someone as malnourished as she was too much food too fast, or they'll get just as sick as giving them nothing would do. However, I was neither a doctor nor a pony chef, so I didn't know what light meals for a very young and malnourished pony would be. I was hoping the cook we had at the embassy would know how much a young pony normally ate, and that we could half it.

We got to the embassy in good time. The night guards were very curious about the little lass, and I honestly couldn't tell them much since she hadn't told me anything. I did, however, know that she started huddling even deeper in the blanket in my arms as soon as the guards got close enough to try to look at her. I sent one away to get Emerald and one to get the cook. "Tell them to meet me in the kitchen. Tell them to hurry but don't say why."

They went away and I took her into the kitchen. I didn't want to risk setting her down until the others were there, so instead I sat down, still holding her. "A pony and a cat are about to come in here, little one. A unicorn, rather, not a pony. They won't hurt you. The cat will even give you food."

We didn't have to wait long. The cook made it first, and she quickly followed my instructions to make something small. I don't even know if she saw the pony I was holding.

Emerald most definitely did, when she came in. "Nav, what's this ab—Oh my word!"

"Shhh." The bundle in my arms started quaking again when Emerald exclaimed.

Emerald tried again, practically whispering, "What happened?"

"I found this wee lass in a back alley on the way back. No parents, no guardians, nothing to keep her warm, no food. She's so light… I couldn't leave her there, Emerald."

"No, you couldn't have. What's her name?"

"I don't know. I haven't heard a word from her. The only reason she even came with me is because I had wings like a pegasus, I think." _Or an angel. Or the Sphinx._ I don't know why she responded to them.

It doesn't take long to make a small meal for a pony. Just throw some salad ingredients together. The chef finished and put it on the table in front of me by the time I finished the explanation.

"I'm going to set you down, now. This food is for you. Okay?" I very gently set her down, but left her the cloak.

She looked at the plate, and then back to me. I didn't know how to pantomime eating for a pony, so I just grabbed a shred of lettuce and took a bite out of it, and then held it up to her mouth. She ate.

I thanked the chef and sent her back to bed, and then turned to Emerald. "I think I should take her with me to Equestria when I leave, give her to Celestia's orphanage."

"We don't know where her parents are, though."

I stepped in real close to her and spoke as quietly as I could. "Her parents are either dead or they abandoned her. When the law passed that made it illegal for ponies to leave, the very few unicorns teleported out and the pegasi flew out. Her parents were probably too weak to teleport her with them. The king was looking to kidnap unicorns, for magic purposes." As far as I know, that was a lie. But it was a plausible sounding lie. "With a daughter in custody to use as leverage, the king would have had her parents as slaves. So if the king didn't have the daughter in custody when he was killed, it was because the parents were either dead or gone. There's no telling how long she's been alone." I made most of that up off the top of my head, but I was not going to risk this little lass ending up back on the street. And it was very plausible.

"So what do you propose we do with her in the mean time?"

"I'll have to take a few days off from doing whatever to get her used to the embassy, so we can leave her here with the guards when we're off doing important things. We can't carry her with us, either of us, when we're doing state business."

"Why you? I think she'd be more comfortable dealing with me."

"Probably. But you can't take off. I'm just a guard here. You're the ambassador. With the king's task done—I'll give you a report for him—I have nothing official to work on. I can take a few days off."

"I… don't know. No offense, Nav, but you don't exactly strike me as a good choice for rehabilitating somepony who has been through what she probably has."

"I'm not. But I am the only real choice we have. I refuse to let any cat person be alone with her. Any abuse she has suffered will have been at their hands, so there's no telling how she'll react to them. Besides, she seems to respond to my wings. The guards aren't human enough to deal with her, I don't think."

"_Human _enough?"

"Shit… I don't think they feel enough to be able to do it, emotionally. I don't know how else to say it."

"Well… you found her. I suppose you might as well take responsibility for her. If she's okay with that."

The little lass had just finished eating and was doing her best to snuggle against my leg. I don't know if she was trying to hide next to me or if I was warm or if she was trying to thank me or what.

I just said, "I don't think she'll mind. You'll have to help me bathe her, though. I have no idea how ponies bathe, and I don't know if she'll do it herself or not."

"When do you want to do that?" she asked.

"If she's sleeping in my room tonight, right now."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best. I'll go draw up a bath in the bathroom connected to your room. Do your best to get her up there."

A ridiculously large amount of time later found Emerald and me looking at a light purple unicorn with hollow purple eyes. Her mane was a darker purple with some bits of white. "Well," I said, "she's clean." The bath water was disgusting, too. Emerald had to use magic to do most of the cleaning, and I had to hold one of the little one's hooves to keep her calm throughout the endeavor. After getting over her initial shock of getting wet, she pretty much sat in the water making almost no movements and very little noise, just watching the things Emerald was manipulating with magic float around her.

"What kind of sleeping arrangements are you going to use?" Emerald asked me.

"She can have the bed. The desk chair is comfortable enough for me. When she gets more used to this place, she can have one of the spare rooms. But I don't want to leave her alone just yet."

"Fair enough. And she needs to get used to you if you're going to be the one showing her around over the next few days. But how are you going to sleep in the chair with your wings?"

"…Shit. I _still _forget about them sometimes. I'll sleep on the bloody floor, then. If I need you for anything I'll holler."

"I'll leave my door cracked, then."

"Goodnight, lass. Let's hope this works well."

She left, leaving me alone with the child. I carried her over to the bed and set her down. "If you get cold in the night, just pull the covers up," I said. "If you need anything at all, I'll be right over here," I said, waving my arm to the most carpeted area of the room.

I locked the door and settled down on the floor. It was due to be a long and uncomfortable night.

I was lying in the darkness for what felt like half a day but was more likely half an hour when I felt something plop down on my back. I almost freaked out, until reason reasserted itself and told me that any assassin would just stab me and call it done. I figured it was the unicorn, and confirmed that by gently feeling my back. She was slightly crushing my wings, so with a bit of gentle redistribution of weight I settled us down well enough. She was lying lengthwise across my lower back, with my wings resting over her face and flank. It was still a bit awkward, and I felt even more uncomfortable then, but at least my back was warm.

I woke up in the morning feeling very cramped and very sore. The filly on my back was still out cold, so I decided to just lay there for a while. It was a nice change, being able to actually relax for a bit. Before, I had been too worried about the whole assassin thing. Now I was as safe as I could be in Egypt. The only thing I had to worry about was the little blob of fur on my back.

I didn't really want to wake her, since this was probably the first safe night she's had in a long time, and probably the best sleep she's gotten, judging by her previous living conditions. Even if she was sleeping on my back on the floor. I also didn't want to risk scaring her, and I was somewhat worried about what she would do if she woke up in an unfamiliar place. She might be weak from malnourishment, but hooves are dangerous.

I was saved from having to do anything by a rattling at my door, followed by a knocking. It woke her up, and I think she was more afraid then than she was when I first found her. She scrambled all around the room before stopping behind or under the bed, leaving my back a nasty mess of bruises.

I achingly got to my feet and padded softly to the door. "Who is it?"

"Kat. The guards said not to bother you but refused to tell me why. Can I come in?"

"Not now. Go talk to Emerald Script. She'll tell you why if she thinks you should know."

"I'll figure out whatever you're hiding from me, you know. And I could pick this lock if I really wanted to."

"That's nice. Go talk to Emerald." With a few dirty mutterings I was supposed to hear but dutifully ignored, she presumably stalked off. I went to find the little pony to try to coax her out of another hole.

"It's okay, lass. She's gone. You want to come out and get something to eat?"

It took her a while, but she did come out. The promise of food helped with that, I'm sure. "Do you want me to carry you again?" In response, she walked over to the door. "Just stay near me, then."

I draped a random knife belt over my shoulder, not even bothering to strap it on—it was there more out of paranoia than because I thought someone would actually attack us. I went to the door and opened it up. I rested my hand on top of her head to make sure she knew I was there and we walked on down to the kitchen to a rather mixed fanfare. The guards knew she was there, from the night sentry's warning, but they didn't know how to take her. I just told them to leave her be, as she stiffened as soon as she saw them.

Kat was a bit of a different story. She thought the unicorn was cute. And she most definitely did not think I should be her temporary guardian. "She belongs in a hospital. And then an orphanage."

"She's going to an orphanage, an orphanage back home. As soon as Emerald Script decides I can leave, she's going with me to Equestria."

"She belongs in an orphanage here. She's a citizen of Egypt, not Equestria."

"This isn't open for debate. She's coming with me."

"The king might take issue with that."

"The king told me yesterday that he'll pay whatever my services were worth for a job I just finished last night. If he wants to take issue with it, I'll take my payment in the form of expatriation for this child. I will not let her become a weapon of magic for anyone."

And just so you don't think we were talking over the unicorn's head, she was currently eating, with us standing off to the side, arguing in fierce whispers. I had her on half meals, so it didn't take her long to finish. She stepped back into what was apparently my protective aura when I finished that small tirade.

Kat was not pleased at being unable to respond. "This isn't over, Nav," she promised me.

"We'll see." I took the unicorn back up to my room to write up the report for the king, including the warning that the naga are apparently looking for some manner of 'chosen one' for something or another. I also included the demand for my reward, with the caveat that one way or another she was coming with me, but that I'd rather it be done legally.

I took it and we set off to find Emerald. We found her sitting in her room. "I've got the report for the king. We might have a bit more trouble than I thought getting this one to Equestria."

"Yes, I had my ears talked off by Kat as well. Do you have any suggestions?"

"That report will probably be all we need. He told me to pick my price for my work. I did."

"Good. How is she?"

"Still hasn't said a word. She'll get better."

"I hope so… If you don't need anything else, I suppose I should go drop this off. I hope this won't cause a big incident."

"If it starts being a problem, I'll just leave ahead of schedule. I was only supposed to be here for a few weeks anyway."

"It probably won't come to that. Just be ready to go on a moment's notice."

"I always am. But I'll go check again, just in case."

We headed on back to my room, the unicorn still dogging my steps. The benefit to owning practically nothing but a few weapons and a small amount of clothing is that leaving a place is always as easy as picking up a bag and strapping on a few belts. If push came to shove I could steal food, or do my best to rely on my status as Liberator.

When we got back to my room, I stowed most of my clothes back in my main travel bag. That done, I did my best to get the little lass to talk.

"I don't suppose you've ever heard of Princess Celestia?" No response. "She's the leader—well, one of the leaders—of Equestria. Have you ever heard of Equestria?" Nothing. "Come now, lass. All ponies have heard of Equestria. The land of milk and honey, peace and happiness." _Unless you're me._ No response, though. "We're going there in a few weeks, you and I. It'll take us a month or two to get there, though. Have you ever been on a boat?" Nothing. "First time? It can be a bit scary, if you aren't used to it. Nothing but water as far as the eye can see, where we're going. If I ever get the chance, I'll teach you to swim before we go. Or I'll have one of the guards teach you. I don't know how a pony swims. Do you think you'd like that?"

In a voice so low I almost didn't even catch it, she said, "I know how to swim."

Finally. "Good. The only place we'd have to teach you in is the river. That place is pretty nasty. If you like swimming, though, you'll probably have plenty of chances over in Equestria. I don't know if there's a pool at the palace, but I don't doubt it. Princess Celestia doesn't gimp out when it comes to niceties like that. You'll have the chance to learn magic and go to school once you get over there. And you'll have plenty of chances to get your cutie mark. I wouldn't mind seeing that. I've only ever seen it happen once, when I helped three little fillies with something back home. That time with me at the Gala hardly counts, since it was a fake one and I didn't stay as a pony for long anyway. There will probably be plenty of fillies around your age to play with there, too." That might or might not be true. There weren't many orphans in Equestria at all. But I figured there were plenty of servants with kids that she could play with, and I still remembered talking to that one group of colts a while back. "Or if you turn out like I was, there will be plenty of books for you to read. I suppose I'll teach you how to do that, one of these days, if you don't already know…" Nothing. "It isn't too hard to learn. The only reason it took me so long is because I didn't have anyone teaching me that had a great passion for reading. You won't have that handicap, if you let me teach you. I can't teach you magic, though. Emerald might be able to, if she ever gets a break. I can teach you a lot of other things, if you're ever interested, though. Math. History, though I don't suppose you care about that. And I don't guess there's a reason to teach you grammar since I can't teach you to write… I guess I could teach you political maneuvering… Nah, let's just stick with reading. Do you want me to teach you to read?" Nothing. "Well, we'll be here a while anyway. And we'll be in transit for a while as well. Might as well leave us something to do in the future. I would offer to teach you to fight, but I don't suppose you can hold a dagger. The guards might could teach you to use your hooves as weapons, but I don't know if they'd be willing to. You probably wouldn't want to learn that anyway. Not like you'll need it. No one is stupid enough to attack the embassy anymore, and when you get to Equestria you'll never see another fight again." Nothing. "Do you want to explore the embassy? It won't do to have you cramped in this room all day." A nod. "Well, lead the way," I waved out the door. She looked at it uncertainly, and then took a few slow steps forward and looked back. When she saw I was following, she walked out more confidently.

We explored the embassy. She didn't try to open any closed doors, but most of them were open. Whenever she ran into a guard or a servant she stopped until I was next to her and then walked at my speed until they were out of sight, and she always made sure to be on the opposite side of me that the other person was on.

Some of the guards we passed asked about her. I just told them she was a shy guest, and to ask Emerald if they wanted more details. None of the servants really cared, just nodding to us as they hurried past.

As I've explained before, the embassy isn't a very large place. But it took us over an hour to get through the whole thing, due to her stopping so much. We were nearing the last bit of the place when Emerald got back.

"Well, Nav, we're in the clear. The king was happy to give you that boon. That might be because he didn't know she's a unicorn. Or it might be that you threatened to kill anypony he sent after you."

"I didn't use those words."

"You wrote that one way or another you were leaving with her. That pretty much says you would kill anypony that tried to stop you."

"If that's how he chose to take it and that's what got us here, I'm willing to let it go."

Emerald dropped her voice. "How long do you think it'll take to get her talking?"

I matched her tone. "I got a few words out of her earlier. Nothing much. She's cracking, don't worry."

Emerald looked relieved. "Good. See if you can learn her name. I can ask around a bit. Her parents might be out there somewhere, even if they don't want her and abandoned her on purpose."

"I'll try, but no promises. It's slow going."

"I understand." The little unicorn stopped in front of a closed door and just looked at it. I looked to Emerald, shrugged, and went to knock on the door. When I got no response I opened it. I followed her in, while Emerald went on to do whatever it is she does in her free time.

I looked around to find we were in a small sitting room. I don't know what was so special about this room that made her want to come in, but whatever. We didn't stay long.

I feel I should mention that I kept up a running commentary on things we were seeing or people we were passing as we went along, just so you don't think we were creepily walking through the place with nary a word escaping my lips. I asked a few more questions but got no answers.

When there was nothing more for her to explore, she went back to the kitchen. "Hungry again? Well, I've never been much of a chef, but how hard can it be to make a salad?" Thankfully, not very. I set the plate down in front of her. "Always hated the stuff, myself, unless it had some decent dressing over it. You ponies have a considerably different palate from us humans, though. Give me meat any day. Or fruit, if it's ripe enough. Some vegetables are okay, but raw lettuce leaves? You can keep it. Better than some of the ponies back home, though. They eat flowers or grass. I can't even _live _off that stuff, and they eat it like there's no tomorrow. And a friend of mine, a dragon, he'll eat gemstones, meat, grass, anything you give him." She perked up a bit at the mention of the dragon. "Over here, we're limited to vegetables or fruits, mostly. You'll likely have your pick of the larder, once you get to the palace. Princess Celestia has the best stocked vegetarian kitchen in the world, I think. Wouldn't kill her to keep a bit of bacon for her few extra-pony servants, I don't think, but that's just my opinion. You want more?" She had finished her plate, and was looking at it with a spark of life. She looked up and shook her head. "You're probably bloody thirsty. Haven't had much to drink… Some ponies get enough water from what they eat, but then, they eat stuff that's full of water. Hold on a sec." I poured her a glass of water and gave her a straw. "There you go, lass. I never did figure out how horses could use straws. I don't think you even have lips! Just another thing in this world that makes no sense to me. Like how Rainbow Dash and Princess Luna crashed into each other and were ripped out of the air the same way I was and yet they took no damage, while I got so hurt I didn't wake up for three days. Or why Rainbow Dash could crash through my window and hit the wall moving so fast I couldn't see her and have no more pains than a bruised pride. And yet at the same time she was able to get so hungover she was seeing double for hours. Sometimes I regret ever getting pulled here…"

Another small answer, "I don't."

Another one. "You and a lot of the other ponies. And a few of the cats. And some of the naga. I've been very useful to Princess Celestia. I think I hurt Princess Luna more than I've helped her, and I really feel bad about that. I've helped my other friends quite a bit, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if they'd be better off without me. But then, I'd be thinking the same thing if I was still in my world. The naga I helped would probably be worse off if I hadn't shown up. They would have ground themselves against a rival group until one or the other of them was dead and gone. I managed to end that conflict rather quickly. Same for the cats. And I suppose when I get back, I'll be sent off to indebt another group of people to Princess Celestia. C'est la vie."

She finished her water. "You want some more?" A small nod. I got up to fill it again. "If you had told me before that you were thirsty… Well, you didn't. You know where the kitchen is now, if you ever need anything and I'm not around. You're free to go anywhere in the embassy, as long as the door is open and no one tells you to stay out. If you ever need anything and I'm not here, ask a guard or Emerald Script for help. And never go outside without me or Emerald." She gave me a scared look. "Don't get that look on your face, lass; I'll be around most of the time, and I'll definitely be here over the next few days. No one here will hurt you. And if anyone does, tell me. I will deal with it." I patted my knife belt. "Emerald Script would trust her life with any of the ponies here, and I've grown to trust her as a semi-decent judge of character."

One of the day guards happened to be walking by the kitchen when I said that, and interrupted me. "You said _Emerald _would trust her life with us. You wouldn't?"

"The only people in this world I would trust my life with are Celestia and Luna. Otherwise I'd probably be better off with my life in my own hands."

"One day, you and I will have to get in a sparring match, human. We've all seen your record, and I know you took down those assassins easily enough, but none of us have ever seen you fight."

"I have a record? And you've read it? Was it kind to me?"

"The Princess asked for volunteers to work with you and the ambassadors, and everypony that volunteered was given a copy of your records, as well as those of the ambassadors. After reading all of them, most of the volunteers changed their minds. But I assure you, none of them changed their minds because of you. I'm sure some of the volunteers stayed on because of it. But so far we've yet to see you in action, aside from that spot of business in the desert, which was no proper scrap."

"That was a proper fight as far as I'm concerned. That's how most of my battles go. What my… record… probably failed to mention was my modus operandi. I do not get in fights. I kill people. If someone looks like they're going to try to fight me, I shoot them. If they don't know I'm there, I cut their throat. If we ever sparred, you'd probably win. But if it came down to it, you couldn't stop me from achieving my objective." The guard was rolling his eyes. The little unicorn—who I had somehow forgotten about—was looking at me with wide eyes. "But that's enough of that."

"For now," the guard answered. "If you ever want to learn to fight like a stallion, come find me." He left.

"So, lass, you need anything else?" A shake of the head. "Well, I think we've been all over the embassy. I suppose we could head back to my room and talk some more, if you're interested." Small nod.

"Lead the way, lass." I wanted to test if she could find her way to my room. It wasn't hard, I just wanted to see if she remembered the layout. We made it easily enough. To be honest, I'm somewhat surprised I didn't scare her away to Emerald, talking with the guard like that. Maybe she wasn't lucid enough to understand everything I was saying.

When we got back to the room, she finally asked me a question. "Do you really kill people?"

"…Yes, I do."

"Would you ever kill me?"

"I only kill in self-defense. Would you ever attack me?" Only technically a lie. It's usually preemptive self-defense, as the people I kill usually _would _kill me, if they had the chance.

She shook her head no.

"What's your name?"

A long pause. "Taya."

"Taya, do you want to hear my story? Most of what happened in my life since I got here. I won't make you listen, if you don't want to. It'll help us pass the time, and it'll give you more information about me." The guard that stands outside Emerald's door, next-door to mine, leaned his head over where I could barely make it out from where I was sitting. I smiled a bit at that.

After a few seconds, she nodded her head. I started. The guard's head disappeared, and not a minute later two of the off-duty guards cantered into my room, with the guard outside Emerald's door standing closer to mine. I paused and looked at them. "If you ever wanted this story, you could have just asked." They smiled at me sheepishly. "Fine. But I'm not starting over." I talked up to dinner, telling them everything. The guards already knew about Luna, and I figured it wouldn't matter if Taya knew, since she was going to the palace soon and everyone there knew as well. I didn't tell them any of my other friend's secrets, since none of those were their business. I wasn't even a quarter of the way through when dinner was called. The guards had changed watch twice, with me getting a net gain of one listener.

I didn't tell any of it at dinner, but the news that I was telling it at all made the rounds there, and I figured I'd have more listeners after. Taya ate next to me at the main table, between me and Emerald. I figured the telling of the story would get her more used to the guards, which is why I let them stay during the telling.

After dinner, I filled a few water bottles to wet my throat periodically, though I wasn't planning on talking for too much longer. Five of the guards and Emerald were waiting for me when Taya and I got back upstairs. The only guard missing was watching the front door. "You too?" I asked accusatorily of Emerald.

"What? I'm curious! You're the only human any of us have ever seen, and we know almost nothing about you."

I rolled my eyes, and continued where I left off. However, I forgot that Emerald didn't know what happened between me and Luna. So it came as a very big surprise to me when I mentioned that offhand and she sat bolt upright.

"Oh, shit, you didn't know that story, did you?" I asked.

"No, I didn't! Are you serious?"

"Very. Just… don't tell anyone, I suppose. I forgot you didn't know."

"If I didn't know, why do the guards? Does Princess Celestia tell them everything?"

"That will be explained later on in the tale, lass. We probably won't get there tonight, though…"

"Well, I'll ask you later if I miss it." I continued on where I left off.

We were all sitting in a somewhat-circle on the floor; ponies don't do well with chairs and I can't sit in them for long before I forget my wings and try to lean back. A few hours after dinner, Taya leaned her head down in my lap. I realized how late it was.

"Hmm. I think we should continue this tomorrow," I said, rubbing Taya's back a bit. "I know she's tired, and I'm getting there. And there's still plenty to go."

"Just let us all know before you start again, Nav," one of the guards told me.

"Yeah, I don't want to miss any more of it," Emerald said. "I still can't believe you accidentally seduced Princess Luna!"

"It gets worse, lass. We haven't gotten to the Gala yet."

"I can only imagine! Wait..." She narrowed her eyes. "Were you…?"

"Don't ruin it for the rest of them," I told her. "All in good time. Now out, all of you. We're going to bed."

They filed out, talking to each other about some parts of what I was telling them. I just shook my head and closed the door behind them. I turned to Taya. "Well, lass, do you want the same sleeping arrangements as last night? I can't imagine my back is really that comfortable."

"The bed is so soft…"

"Well, it's not too soft for me. Tell ya what, I'll sleep on the bed and you can drape yourself over my back. You get your hard, warm surface and I get my soft, warm bed. And a free half-blanket, at that."

I got into bed and she jumped on top of me, reminding me of all the bruises she put on my back from the morning. I got to sleep considerably easier that night, though every time she shifted too much I was reminded of a bruise.

This time I slept a bit longer, but she was still asleep when I woke up, so I just lay there for a while. There were no knocks this time, so she slept for quite a while. It gave me a chance to compose some more of the story in my head.

When she finally stirred, I was around the mental point of the second meeting with the naga, to settle the true love issue. I felt her jolt awake, but instead of trying to bolt away, she just flinched and sighed.

"Finally awake, lass?" She jumped down and I got up. "We probably both need bloody baths…" I saw her looking at the door. "Fine, food first. But if anyone looks at us funny—or rather, sniffs at us funny—it'll be your fault."

She led the way to the kitchen. The cook was there, reading a book. "I don't suppose you know how to make pancakes?" I asked, already knowing the answer: A blank look. "Fine. Salad and something with meat, I suppose."

We ate and headed back up to bathe. I drew her a bath and left her to it. "You need anything, feel free to call," I told her. I left the door open and pretended to make myself busy at my desk. She didn't call.

When she was done, I bathed. I usually sit and soak for a good while, but she was making it somewhat awkward for me by watching me the whole bloody time. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there's no nakedness taboo in any of the cultures I've run into, except maybe the cats.

When I decided to start the story up again, all but one of the guards showed up again. Emerald walked in right as I continued. I figured none of them had told the servants, or else we'd have some of them here as well.

I started where I had left off, and the benefit of a bit of planning made telling some of it easier. I cut off for lunch, and picked it up again after. I finished right before dinner.

"And that's why I'm so fucked up and a terrible person," I finished.

Emerald spoke up first. "You know, I remember seeing Z back at that party. I remember you dancing with that purple unicorn and wishing it had been me, even though you left her crying. I can hardly believe that was you. And that it was Princess Celestia's plan that put you there. But you made Twilight's night, at least. I can hardly believe that makes you a bad pony." I just shrugged.

The night guard with us spoke up. "I remember the night with the moth, when you saved the life of Rainbow Dash by suggesting she go to a different room." Not quite the way I remember it. "I… I was the guard stationed to make sure she died. I volunteered here to learn the mettle of the being that tamed the heart of Princess Luna, and earned the friendship of Princess Celestia while doing it. Neither of them would have any dealings with a bad pony."

"Now that's not entirely true," I started, but I was interrupted by another guard.

"I remember when you were given the tour of Canterlot. I was one of the guards with you, then, one of those you made laugh. When you spoke with the pegasi with us, I heard the tenderness in their voices when they responded. Neither of them would talk like that to a bad pony."

"I'm a pretty good actor, when I need to be," I weakly said.

Another guard spoke up. "I was with you in the Middle East, when we were helping Twilight Sparkle with the water tables." I rolled my eyes at that. "I remember going on patrol with you and Twilight and my squad and finding a small group of cats. They saw you and cheered and crowded us and gave us a feast they could hardly afford. Bad ponies don't get accolades like that."

"You've never seen pictures of Hitler with his boy scouts, then," I retorted. Never thought I'd apply Godwin's law to myself.

Yet another one spoke up. "I was the guard detached to pick you up after you dealt with the naga the first time. Where others might have fought to try to stay free from an uncertain and dangerous future, you came very peacefully with me and brought nothing that could be used as a weapon. Can you think of any bad ponies that would have done something like that?"

"I had a very good reason for doing what I did, and I knew Celestia would understand," I answered.

The last guard spoke up. "I was there at your trial. I watched you support that vixen at your side, and give your testimony besides. You admit to disliking her, but you helped her when she was weak, and you defended her as you defended yourself. A bad pony would have used that weakness, rather than defend it, to further his own goals."

"I wasn't expecting to ever be declared guilty!"

Taya finally said something, very quietly. "I remember hiding in a gutter, watching a stranger try to coax me out of the hole I was in. He had no reason to try to help me, and every reason to ignore me and keep going. After a while in the dark, stinking, and dangerous alley, he finally got me out and brought me to a warm home with good food and nothing but the kindest people I've met in a long, long time. That stranger was not a bad person."

There wasn't much I could say to that.

Dinner was spent with the guards regaling each other with the parts of the story they missed to pull guard duty. I commented here and there to correct them, but let them do most of the work. I also learned the reason the other night guard was here: Punishment detail. Apparently he had made a joke about Celestia and was heard by one of the two princesses. Poor bastard.

That was my first week in Catro, and the first seventeen days in Egypt the second time. I figured I would need to spend another week or so in Catro, unless something big came up.

Now that Taya was more comfortable around the guards and Emerald, I figured I could leave her in the embassy if I had to.

Three more days passed with nothing big happening, aside from me telling a few more stories about life on my birth world. Then an overcast day came up, and I woke up to Kat banging on my door. Taya jumped off my back and I rolled out of bed and opened the door.

Before I could ask what she was doing, she said, "Let's go flying!"

I looked at her with weary eyes. "Give me some time to eat and get dressed."

"I've been waiting a week for this!"

"Then a few more minutes won't hurt you. Come on, Taya, let's go bloody eat." The first time I saw Kat since she sulked off from the rebuke I gave her, and now she demands to go flying. Fair enough, since I owe her the trip, but still.

We finished eating and plodded back up to my room. I got dressed in outside clothes. I took Taya to Emerald's room. "Emerald, I'm going out for a bit to stretch my wings. Can you look after Taya for a bit?"

"Sure. I don't think the king needs to talk to me today. And good news for you: I finalized trade agreements yesterday. Trade between here and Equestria will open up soon, so you can get home."

"Best news I've heard in days. Thanks, Emerald."

"Don't mention it, Nav. Have fun with Kat."

We went on out, Taya watching my back from Emerald's room. I felt kind of guilty for leaving her, but she was going to have to get used to me not being around soon enough anyway. When I dropped her off with Celestia, I probably wasn't going to be around that often to see her.

Instead of going to the front door, I pulled Kat to where I found the assassins hiding and went out the roof hatch. "It has been a few days since I flew. Give me a few minutes to warm up, and then I'll swoop down and lift you off your feet."

"I'll hold you to that, Nav," she said with a smile.

I did just that. I spent a few minutes flitting in and out of the clouds. When I felt comfortable, I pulled my wings in and dove down, squeaked out of the dive, and ripped Kat into the air on the updraft. She wasn't as light as Miguel had been, but I figured I could carry her for a good while. To prove that, I took her over the route we took to get to the naga, and managed in ten minutes what took us over an hour. I set down on the head of the Sphinx. I think she was a bit speechless.

"I'll take us up in the clouds in a few minutes. Just give me a span to rest. That's the first real flight I've had since I was injured."

She finally regained her words. "That was… amazing! Why do you ever walk anywhere?"

"Flying loses its novelty. I felt the same way the first time I flew under my own power. But my experiences are also colored by almost being dropped to my death. And by being kidnapped and held in their air against my will."

"You seem to lead such an interesting life."

"Interesting isn't always good. Hell, in parts of my world, wishing someone an interesting life was a curse. You ready to go again?"

"Always."

"I'll be back in a minute, then." I jumped off and glided up and did the same thing as before. With my wing span, it's usually harder for me to carry a person straight away, so I instead tend to grab them while I'm already in the air, if I can.

I carried Kat up into the clouds over the city. I didn't learn all the pegasus weather manipulation stuff, but I could move clouds a bit. I don't even know if I can learn to do some things. But I can sit on the clouds, and I can hold things while doing so. I was just hoping I could hold something as heavy as Kat while sitting on one.

I flitted around most of the clouds, and I had to go through some of them, but we finally pierced the heavens. I punched through the final layer and squinted at the brilliant sunlight that contrasted so heavily with the previous gloom. I soared a bit higher so we didn't hit any clouds that were around us. I did my best to slow down as much as I could, slowly gliding over the clouds as Kat did her best to pop her eyes out of her head in wonder.

I have to admit, it was a beautiful view, even to my jaded eyes. The desert sun was straight overhead, and there was nothing under us but a vast white expanse, with a few openings here and there where bits of city or sand snuck through, giving tantalizing glimpses of what might be under us.

I slowly alighted on one small patch of cloud, surrounded by open space. I pulled Kat on top of me and lay back against the cloud. "Pretend I'm a table, and we're surrounded by lava." A variation of the old game, Floor is Lava. Except this time, falling off the table meant death instead of losing.

She reached down and waved her hand through the cloud, and presumably felt no resistance at all. She pulled her wet hand back. "What would happen if you were to do that?"

I grabbed a small chunk of cloud for her. "Open your mouth." With a raised eyebrow and a small smile, she did. I fed her some cloud. As soon as it left my fingers, it melted in her mouth.

An undisclosed amount of time later, we made our way down in one of the riskiest things I've ever done: A full dive with a passenger. We held on to each other as tightly as we could and I just rolled off the cloud. We fell straight down. We watched the ground approach disturbingly fast.

We rose out of it just fine, but my wings took a lot more stress than usual. I dropped a bit more to compensate, and did my best to slow us down. I took us in a long, slow circle back around to the city. From where we dropped, we were almost directly over the palace, which is near the center of the city. By the time I got some modicum of control over how I pulled out of the dive, we were already beyond the city's outer limits.

Since my wings were so stressed from that dive, I decided to head on back home. It took twice as long for us to get there, due to how slow I was going. I knew the relative position of the embassy, but I had to get Kat to point it out to me.

We landed easily enough, since I was flying so slowly. I rubbed my wings a bit, trying to see how the injuries held up. Kat saw me and said, "You did great."

"Apart from almost killing us when we dropped out of the cloud, I think I did well enough, yeah."

She snorted at that. It was pretty much a lie anyway; I made sure we had more than enough room. I said, "Let's head on inside. We have some things to talk about, I think."

"Yeah, and I have a letter from the king for you."

"I can read that while you talk to Emerald, I suppose." She handed it over after we dropped into the hatch. I opened it as we headed on down to Emerald's room. I was bringing it up to scan over when we stepped into her room, and was interrupted by a purple furry mass flinging itself at me.

I caught her and barely managed to stop myself from falling over. Kat reached out a restraining arm to help balance me. That was the third time I had been flying tackle hugged by a pony, though the other two times had been backed up by the fastest wings in Equestria.

I carried Taya over to the chair and sat us down. It was low-backed, made for the cats that are mostly shorter than I am, so my wings weren't much of a problem. "We're back. We miss anything?"

Emerald answered, "Not really. Taya was missing you, though."

"I hadn't noticed…" I shifted her in my arms and brought up the letter. Yadda yadda, we caught the baron, court date tomorrow, show up to testify about the assassins, the naga sent a positive messenger in. I passed it over to Emerald.

Kat ahemmed. "That was for your eyes, Nav."

I looked at Kat and let Emerald take the letter. "Who do you think I'm loyal to, Kat? Jim Johnson or Celestia?"

"I'm just saying. What else did you want to talk about?"

"I'm heading home soon. A few days after the court date. I just wanted to tell you now so you and the king don't get blindsided by it."

"I knew you wouldn't be here forever. You're not the type of person to be content to guard an ambassador. Just tell me before you leave."

"Fair enough. I believe I made you a bit angry the last time I left you."

"I was a bit disappointed, yes."

Emerald looked up from the letter. "This trial is a waste of time. If you want, I can send a guard in your place. Any of them can give the testimony as well as you can, given that they're going to declare this baron guilty no matter what happens."

"I know, but there has to be a semblance of legitimacy in the proceedings. It shouldn't take me more than ten minutes to speak my piece and get out. Just don't send any of our people to the trial but me. That would be the best time and place to start a new uprising."

Kat smiled nastily at that. "King Johnson has a fun surprise planned for anyone trying to attack the courthouse."

"The naga?"

"Yep. They'll be very visible inside and outside the court house. And Rock will be standing right next to the baron with his biggest hammer, ready to smash him into oblivion the minute someone draws so much as a dagger. Or for when the baron gets declared guilty."

"I bet Rock is going to love taking down the strongest pro-slavery baron in Egypt."

"You don't even know the half of it. This baron was Rock's owner, back when Rock was a champion cage fighter. I don't think I need to tell you what he's been through."

"The justice of that is almost enough to make me wish I would stay for the whole thing."

"You really should. The biggest charge we got him on is hiring the assassins to attack foreign ambassadors. He's being killed 'as an example to anyone that attacks our new friends from Equestria.'" I couldn't help but smile at that.

"I would, but I get bored at court proceedings. I'll stay long enough to testify. I don't want to leave Taya for too long anyway." She was still sitting in my lap, but she wasn't clutching me like I was about to evaporate away anymore.

"Have you decided how you're planning on leaving yet?" Emerald asked.

"Give me two guards and I'll fly up to Alexandria. I'll stay there until I can catch a ship going to pony held lands, and from there I'll hitchhike until I get home."

"Why do you need guards?"

"I won't be able to make it in one day, even by flying. And I don't want to risk sleeping in the open and having anything sneak up on me. This way we can split watches, and they can split them again on the way back."

"And your orphan?" Kat asked.

"Coming with me, as I told you she would be. I even have the king's permission, as if I needed it. She's lighter than you are, so I won't have any problems taking her with me."

"The biggest problem will be finding a ship heading to pony lands," Emerald said. "And, of course, staying in the city long enough for that to happen."

"It's a port city. If nothing else, I'll find a smuggler. I'm well known enough in the Middle East that I can get us through any interdiction ships that try to stop us, which might be enough to hire anyone."

"It might also be enough to make you worth kidnapping," Kat warned.

"True. I've managed well enough so far, though. If I waited for the best solution presented itself, I'd be waiting until I died."

She shrugged, and said, "Your funeral."

"I'm just glad I _can _leave. I wasn't expecting any of our enemies to make a move so soon. Once this baron fellow gets deep sixed, our position here will be incredibly secure."

"Your political position, at least," Kat said. "But maybe not your social position. Ponies will probably never be popular in Egypt, and without a complete spy network, you'll never know how widespread that discontent is."

"Well, it was an interesting side project, but I never expected it to be overly useful no matter how large it grew. As it is, the contacts we made will be good enough for keeping tabs on a bit of the city."

"Even though you're dumping it all in my lap," Emerald sighed.

"At least it'll give you something to do if you ever get bored," I said. "And you might make a few friends among the cats that come by to report."

"I'm hardly here to make friends."

"But they're never a bad thing to have."

"And I'll still be stopping by from time to time, to check if you need anything," Kat said with a small smile. I found myself feeling a bit sorry for the winged guards.

We talked a bit more, about the coming trial and some more about my homecoming plans. Kat left a bit after lunch and the rest of the day went on by like the previous few: Slowly.

The next day was the bloody trial. Bloody as an expletive, not as a descriptive, though there was a large crowd around the courthouse that were fingering their weapons and looking at the naga with venom in their eyes.

In the actual courthouse, the only people that had weapons to finger were me, Rock, and the guards. No one else had been allowed any, and several cats had to be forcefully removed from the entrance when told they had to surrender their weapons. Many of those that chose to give up their weapons to get inside were glaring at me with hate. But I had been glared at by two eternal princesses, so I was able to weather their hate easily enough.

The baron's head bodyguard was trotted out as the first witness. He had been promised leniency to give his testimony. What he didn't know was that by 'leniency,' he was going to be killed quickly instead of slowly. He condemned the baron in all manner of crimes and plots, including the attempted assassination of foreign ambassadors. After he sat down, I was called up, and I gave my testimony. Since things looked to be speeding along well enough, I decided to actually stay and watch the rest of it. Hardly twenty minutes had passed since the thing started. Apparently the cats don't care about dealing with typical lawyer BS.

When I was done, two guards wheeled in what was left of the assassin apprentice. At this point, I was figuring he would say anything anyone told him to say, but he told the court basically what he told me. In return, I later learned, he was taken out back and had his throat slit. A mercy, I believe.

After the assassin was taken away, there was a small series of minor nobles that were accomplices of the baron. I don't know what their punishments were, but they all pointed fingers at the baron and accused him of all manner of things.

When they were finished, the judge looked to the jury. He didn't even tell them to go out, just looked at them. The head guy said guilty, of course. The judge turned his head and nodded to Rock, who was wearing the biggest grin on his face through the whole proceedings. Somehow the grin grew wider and he brought his massive hammer down in a wide arc, crushing the baron's head and upper body with a sickening plop, showering the surrounding crowd with bodily detritus. It was pretty nasty, and I'm sure some people might have found it anticlimactic. Me, I was just happy it was finally over with.

All in all, the court proceedings took just over an hour. I decided I preferred the cat court system over the American court system. And the pony court system, since I wasn't the one getting convicted.

Rock dragged the baron's body out of the courtroom and threw it into the crowd of onlookers. They dispersed, taking the body with them. I somewhat feared we had given them a martyr, but it wasn't my problem anymore. I flew back to the embassy, not wanting to risk my back to a stranger right then.

I got back to the embassy with little fanfare but from Taya, who repeated the previous day's performance of jumping in my arms. I was really hoping I didn't accidentally drill dependency issues into her.

The next few days were a whirlwind of nothing for any of us at the embassy and change and excitement for the rest of the city. With the baron's death and the removal of all his supporters from any real seat of power, most of the vestiges of pro-slave society quickly evaporated for fear of receiving the same punishment. That doesn't mean the remnants were pro-Equestria, but at least they weren't completely pissed at Celestia for stepping in.


	28. Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Six—The long way home

We left two days after the trial. I gave Kat warning, and her going away gift was quite worth the time it took to find her.

The morning we left was clear, dry, and cool. I had Taya bundled up in a blanket in my arms, my clothes and weapons strapped to various places around my body. The guards carried a bit of supplies on their backs.

We made it to Alexandria in three days, pushing ourselves pretty hard. We saw a few caravans and wandering desert groups staring up at us in wonder, but we didn't run into any on the ground. Every time we got down, Taya was very happy to get her hooves on the ground. I don't think she minded flying, but she definitely preferred walking.

When we got to the town, we got rooms at the Salted Mare. The guards wanted to rest a day or two before heading back, and that inn was the friendliest—and cheapest—place in town for ponies and me.

Seeing the friendly faces at the bar did Taya some good, I think. Now that the ponies were free to come and go as they pleased, the mood there was considerably lighter.

As soon as I asked him, the bartender told me of a pony trader that was leaving for "Barkelona" in a day or two. Apparently there was a sizeable dog population there. Probably a smuggler that heard about the opening of trade agreements and decided to come out as a legitimate trader. Not like it really mattered to me anyway. Taya and I stayed with the guards in the inn for a day and bid them farewell the next day, and then went to find the trader.

Thankfully, the boat wasn't that hard to find; it was the only one with a full pony crew, which really stands out in a place like Alexandria. I decided to go unmasked, in case any of them recognized me. Taya plodded along behind me, as close to my heels as possible without tripping me. I had all of my stuff arranged around my body again, with the weapons in easy to reach places. Since I came into the city in the company of the pony guards, I hadn't been forced to peace bind them.

Now, while I might technically have the power to commandeer a place on the ship, I wasn't about to tempt fate. I made sure to get plenty of bits from Emerald Script before I left, and I had plenty of pouches secreted all about my body.

When we walked up the gangplank onto the boat, a very large pony looked up from his dice game and said, "What?"

"I would like to talk to the captain about passage to Barcelona," I said.

Without taking his eyes off me, he shouted, "Captain!"

I saw movement overhead and looked up to see a brown female pegasus dropping from the lookout post. I don't know why there was a lookout post when a pegasus could do the job just as easily, but that's Ponyland for you.

The pegasus, presumably the captain, looked to the big pony and said, "There had better be a good reason you're waking me up. You know what I went through last night."

He growled, "Passengers," nodding towards me and Taya.

The captain brightened up at hearing that. "Passengers, are you? You know we're going to Barkelona?" I nodded. Then the captain shook the haze from her head and looked at us again. "You're not a cat! What the… You're that… that thing that keeps doing things to help trade!"

"I am the human, yes. And you are?"

"Captain Sonel, at your service! Who's that behind you there?"

"Her name is Taya. She's… shy. How much for passage for the two of us?"

"For you, nothing! I've spent years smuggling between pony lands and Egypt, and now I can finally trade legally, and with no fear of repercussions for the things I've already done. No more living in the fear that an interdiction ships might find us. No more dealing with backalley crooks that care more for their own profit than any honorable dealings. No more anchoring a day away from all the port cities for fear of random cargo checks. You've done this ship a great service, human."

I don't say no to free things. "Where are you headed after Barkelona? We need to get to Manehattan, in the long run, but I figure most ships that are in the Mediterranean will stay there rather than risk hitting the open ocean."

"It would be nice to see the homeland again, but no. After Barkelona we're bound for Marseille, and then we'll just make the circuit of port cities around the edges. However, from Barkelona you can catch a train to a port city on the open ocean, and from there you should have no problem getting what you need."

"Excellent. When do you cast off?"

"Tomorrow, bright and early. You are free to stay on the ship until then. I can show you to your quarters, if you want. There aren't many spare rooms, I fear, so you'll be forced to share one. I hope that's not a problem."

"It isn't," I assured her. She led us into the underbelly of the boat. "I assume you have a unicorn to speed the winds?"

"You'd be hard pressed to find a pony ship—or any manner of smuggling ship—that doesn't. Ours is a pretty decent stallion named Phil. He's a little loopy, but it would take Princess Celestia herself to beat him in wind-making powers."

"She can definitely move fleets around, that's for sure."

"You've been on a boat with her?"

"I was with the original fleet that came to the Middle East. We made it from Manehattan to Alexandria in a month."

"That is impressive, for a full fleet. I suppose she's in charge for a reason. What's she like?"

"Kind. Wise. She looks at you like a mother seeing her child. And when you do something wrong, she'll usually just have that stern look a grandmother gets when she's trying not to laugh at something you did that was impolite but funny. Until you really piss her off, at least. Then she gets… scary."

"Anypony as old as she is definitely knows how to twist emotions, and how to show anger." We stopped at a small cabin. "This is your room. Galley's down the hall. Help yourself but don't be a pig. I assume you're able to eat regular pony fare?"

"Salad, some vegetables, fruits, yes. I can't eat grass or flowers. Bread is fine, if you have it."

"You'll be fine. If you don't need anything else, I have a hangover to go try to sleep off…" I nodded and she swept past me to head back to the deck.

I dropped all the clothing off on the bed. "Well, I suppose this is our home for a little while."

Taya looked in and just said, "Fun."

"I'm going to go find a book store. You want to come along?" I don't even know why I asked. We went off to find one.

An unnecessarily long amount of time later, we returned to the ship with a few beginners' reading primers. It was going to be a long trip back, and I figured we might as well do something productive on the way. I had never taught anyone to read before, but it didn't seem that hard. Assuming Taya didn't get seasick, I figured it would be easy enough.

She didn't. It was. We made Barcelona in a week. The crew was affable enough, and most of our time was spent on the deck, near the back of the ship, out of the way of the crew. We would have done it in our cabin, but staying in that dim place for too long would be killer on my eyes, and being outside on a moving ship is always a plus in my books.

Once she picked up the knack for it, Taya was really easy to teach. I tried to get Phil to teach her some small bits of magic, but Sonel wasn't lying when she said he was loopy. After talking with him, I decided to just wait and let Celestia find a teacher for her.

Once we reached Spain, we wasted no time finding a train ticket to the nearest port city: San Sebastian. It took us a few days to get there, and by then Taya had already been through all the primers I got her. We hunted for a bookstore to find some more difficult things for her. San Sebastian and Barkelona were both shocks to Taya, who was not used to seeing so many ponies in one place, nor so many smiles.

While looking for a bookstore in San Sebastian, we ran into the music magic at work. Something about young love or some BS like that. I stopped to let Taya listen, wide-eyed, and explained it to her, "That's something that happens occasionally in pony places. So many unicorns gathered together create a magical distortion that comes out as nearly uncontrollable singing. The only person I've met in pony-held lands that was completely immune was a dragon. Hell, if you can imagine it, even _I _got stuck in one of those songs once." She smiled at that.

We found a book store and, even better, a ship that was just minutes from setting sail to Manehattan. My luck sometimes pulls through, after all. However, the fare this time was considerably more expensive. Which didn't matter, since I was still completely loaded. I probably had enough cash still stored on me to buy the ship and the crew.

We had much larger rooms on this ship, thankfully. That probably explained the pricing, but I really didn't care; it wasn't my money, after all. The _RMS Princess Celestia_ was a nice ship, if as old fashioned as all the others we had to deal with. Most of the crew were nervous around me, and some of the passengers were terrified of me, but I didn't really care. Since it was technically a mail ship instead of a passenger ship, it even had its own guards. It was nice, seeing some of those around.

And it was even nicer when, around the first week in, we were attacked by fucking pirates.

Taya and I were in our room since it was so bloody hot outside and the passengers didn't care for me. I don't know how ponies manage to keep the insides of things cold without air conditioning, but it's just another of those things I have come to accept. She was reading aloud from some dusty old tome I bought in San Sebastian. Something about elements or something, I wasn't really paying attention. I was lying on the bed, thinking. _Why did I let Kat anywhere near me?_ I had been thinking that a lot lately. After what she did to me, I should have killed her on site.

My door burst open. "Human, the captain needs to see you immediately!" some random crew member yelled.

I looked up. "You didn't have to fucking scream," I said, getting off the bed. I started grabbing weapons. "Taya, stay here. No reason for you to hear him insult me some more." The captain was not pleased to have me on board. I rarely run into overt racism from the ponies, but it appeared that this guy was an exception. I was starting to think the monkeys from _The Wizard of Oz_ killed his family or something. When I had everything I looked up to see the crew guy staring at me in fear. "Lead the way," I said, going to the door.

He bolted down the hall. "We don't have much time!" he yelled as I slowly walked to keep up with him.

"Unless you give me a good reason to hurry, I don't mind keeping your captain waiting," I commented as I casually made my way to where he had stopped to wait for me.

"Pirates!" he finally burst out.

"Oh. Well that changes things." I started following him at a more brisk pace. Namely, sprinting to keep up with him, a worried expression on my face.

Now, back when I had left home there was a massively beautified version of pirates in my world. That's pretty much a load of shit. Pirates are monsters. If we were getting attacked here they were probably looking for either food or slaves. And there isn't a slave in the world better than a one-of-a-kind species like me.

Now, I didn't fear for my own safety as much as I did Taya's in that case: If _I _got captured, the princesses would bail me out pretty much instantly. But what would the pirates do to Taya, who the princesses couldn't save? Or what might they do to me before the princesses noticed I was taken?

We made it to the captain rather quickly. He was at the helm, somehow holding a telescope thing to his eye. "They'll be here in less than twelve hours," he predicted when he turned and saw me. "You are a royal agent, Navarone. Or so you say, at least. What should we do?"

"Can we use magic to outrun them?" I asked.

He shook his head. "No. We're already trying and they're still gaining on us. Pirate ships like that often have a large group of slave unicorns controlling their winds. Before long they'll be in range to stop our unicorns entirely."

I sighed. "It's the job of any agent of the throne to protect the people. Or ponies, I suppose. Tell the unicorns to stop the winds and rest. We'll need them to fend off the magical assaults of their unicorns when they get in range. We'll do our best to dissuade their boarders from attacking us, and if it comes down to it we'll board their damn ship. If they have unicorn slaves it should be our task to free them." I didn't really care about the unicorns or this ship, but if saving this ship meant saving me and Taya then that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

He gave a dark smile. "Then I trust you'll be leading the defense and then the charge?" Right, pass the buck to me. If it goes sour _I _would get the blame on the off chance he survived. And I knew I had to do it, too. Unless…

I shook my head. "I'll infiltrate their ship and free the unicorns," I answered. "If we can free them while they're still in the enemy ship, we can start a two-front attack on their forces. That might create enough confusion that we can take their ship." _And if it goes sour, I have a better chance of blending in with the pirates._

He scoffed. "And how do you propose to get aboard their ship unseen?"

I grabbed his telescope thing and peered at the ship. I could barely made out a few hulking shapes on board. _Dogs_. I could see a few lithe shapes moving in between them with purpose, readying weapons and boarding lines. I think I saw a naga or two as well. A small number of them were wearing desert clothing, fully garbed.

"Where do they keep their slaves?" I asked.

"Bottom of the ship," he answered with disgust. "If the ship goes down, none of the pirates want to deal with slaves in their way to escape." I nodded, understanding the reasoning.

"Those dogs are my size, so I go in disguise," I answered, snapping my fingers. "Fly in under the bow, slip in through a hole or over the side, and cover my wings before I get seen."

"That seems… risky," he commented. I was surprised he said that, personally; I was expecting him to be ready to accept any plan that got me killed.

"Risky, but with great reward," I answered. "I'll go get changed. With our wind dropped, how long should it take them to get here?"

"Less than an hour, probably," he said. "Get ready to go quickly, human. If you pull this off, I might even apologize."

I left to go back to my cabin. I felt the ship lurch as we slowed down. I got down to my room and began to change. "Taya," I said as I worked, "Do not open that door for anyone that is not me. From the moment I leave until the moment I get back, that door needs to stay shut. Okay?"

She nodded.

"The only exception to that is if you hear a guard yelling to run to life boats. I will not be angry if you leave then." She nodded sadly.

I hoisted my crossbow up when I was done dressing, looking for any damage to it. Nothing. I checked my bolts to make sure they were the heavy duty ones, made for piercing armor—I'm paranoid, okay? I checked my knife to make sure it wouldn't fall out while I was flying across the void. I loaded the crossbow and gave Taya a hug. "I'll be back as soon as I can," I said when I released her.

When I got outside my room, I found that fifteen minutes had passed. The pirates were probably close to us by now. I peeked my head out of the stairs so I could check. _Oh my, this is going to be close._ They were about fifteen minutes out. Now or never. I popped my neck, ran to the railing, and jumped. I got down as low as I could to the ocean and skimmed the waves, doing my best to not be seen.

It didn't hit me until I was halfway there that this was a really stupid plan for a lot of reasons. By the time I went through the reasons in my mind I was already at an open window, trying to force my way in—which was a lot harder than it should have been, thanks to the damn wings on my back.

I finally popped in to find myself face to face with a cat. I shoved a knife through its mouth as it tried to give a scream of warning, nailing its jaw to its head and killing it. I threw my balled-up cape over my shoulders and withdrew my dagger. I casually threw the body out of the window I just jumped in through.

Then I took stock: I was in a small room. There was a massive anchor and chain sitting haphazardly on the floor, so I reckoned that this was the anchor room and the window I just entered was where the anchor dropped. Everything around me secured, I opened the door with no hesitations and marched out with purpose. And immediately bumped into a large dog.

"Watch it," he growled, not even looking at me as he continued. I didn't answer, just went the way he came—if he was moving about below, it would probably be to get topside.

I got a few feet down the passage when I saw a cat leading a line of unicorns up to the top. Behind the group was a dog with a massive whip. _Jackpot_. I gripped my knife with one hand and got ready to bring up the crossbow with the other as I continued down the path, trying to look nonchalant.

I squeezed to the side to let the slave group pass. As soon as the cat got past me I whipped my dagger out and stabbed her in the back of her neck, severing her spine. I dropped the knife to let her fall and brought my crossbow up to shoot at the dog, who was staring in utter surprise. I shot him in the dead center of mass and bowled past the unicorns that were now cowering on the floor to finish him before he could get any words out. I pulled out another knife and casually drew a red line across his throat before he could do so much as utter a sound.

_That went well._ Then I looked down at the unicorns. _Oh come on!_ Those that could look at me were looking at me with nothing but fear in their eyes. Most were just huddling on the ground, moaning softly. I wiped the knife off on his coat and sheathed it.

"No time for this," I said, picking up one of those that was staring at me. "We need to take this damn ship over."

"They have our children!" the stallion I picked up groaned.  
_Ah fuck._

"Son of a bitch." I dropped the unicorn and went to grab my other knife. I ripped it out of the cat's body with a sickening sound and wiped it off on her jacket. I grabbed one of the other unicorns that was staring at me with something that looked a bit less like fear and a bit more like hope. "Where are your damn children?" I asked, holding him up.

He pointed with an infected hoof down the hall, where they came from.

I reloaded the crossbow, saying "Anyone that's tired of being a slave, come with me."

Three of the seven stood, two stallions and a mare. Two of those were shaking. I pointed to one at random. "Guard these four," I said. "We're going to need them when we take back the ship. You two, come with me. We're going to get your families."

I heard shouting from the main passage and looked that way. I saw a cat heading our way. Without missing a beat I yelled, "Infiltrator on board! I'll watch the slaves, you warn the crew!" The cat nodded and ran back the way he came. _Stupid fucking cat._ I turned back to the unicorn I told to watch the others. "Get some of these cowards to help you if you can. I want nothing to get down this hall alive." He nodded, determination coming to his eyes.

I began to run down the hall and I heard the other two follow me slower, probably used to being chained. I found another cat that I stabbed through the neck. Unfortunately, I was starting to get covered in blood, so I didn't expect my disguise would work for much longer. I came to the end of the hall to find a staircase leading down. I couldn't peek down it without possibly alerting anyone at the bottom, so I just waited for the unicorns to catch up.

"What kind of defenses are down there?" I asked.

"Two cats," one whispered, his voice hoarse. "One naga." _Shit. Shit shit shit._

"You two kill the naga," I said. "I'll take the cats." The stallion gave a vicious snarl at that. The mare didn't have any reaction. "Follow me down after fifteen seconds." I pulled a throwing knife out and readied my crossbow. _One shot at this._

I slowly made my way down the stairs, knife held casually at the ready. I scanned the shadows, looking for anything that might spring out at me. I got down to an opening to a large hold and looked inside to find a small group of ponies in chains guarded by a naga and two cats. I strode out confidently.

"What happened to you?" the naga demanded, tearing his eyes away from one of the fillies that was staring into the distance, traumatized.

"Infiltrator," I hissed. "The captain wants you to search the ship; it appears to be invisible and normal eyes cannot see it. I will take your post." Naga see in infrared, I think.

The naga cursed, jerking his gaze back to the filly. After a moment he turned to the door and without a word slithered out.

When he got to the door he exploded. The two cats turned to face the explosion, surprised. I jerked my hand out, throwing the knife to catch one and shooting the other before she could react. The one I hit with a knife went down while the one I shot was able to move quickly enough to avoid a fatal hit. I dropped the crossbow and drew my dagger to try to finish her before she could retaliate. Before I could get to her, though, she shot across the hold and hit the wall with a sickening thud. I noticed the one that went down was melting. _I am_ never _going to piss a unicorn off._

I knelt down to pick up the crossbow when I felt myself flatten to the floor. "Now who are you and why are you helping us?" the mare unicorn demanded as she and the stallion walked into the hold full of children that were too traumatized to scream.

I couldn't move and I was being held down hard enough to have difficulty talking, so I just whispered, "Remove… cape." I felt it jerk aside and heard a gasp.

"What sorcery is this?" the mare demanded, not letting me up. "A cat with wings?"

"It _is _sorcery, Sunny," the stallion said. "And he is obviously not an enemy. At least, not yet. We will see what we see when we take this ship over. For now, release him."

"No pony just mysteriously appears and saves you!" the mare yelled. "Whatever he is, he's a danger! We can't trust him!"

I felt the pressure increase for a moment and it felt like my ribs were cracking before it suddenly stopped entirely. I tenderly sat up. I turned to see the unicorns seeming to stare each other down, horns glowing.

I shook my head and grabbed my crossbow. "One of you stay here and guard the kids. I'm going topside to take this ship." I reloaded the crossbow as I walked back to the entrance of the hold. I didn't stop, just trusted that one of the two would follow me. Neither one did.

I got back to the unicorns that were holding the hallway. There were several bodies choking up the passage, and it looked like the rest of the unicorns were up and ready for a fight now.

One looked back as I stepped forward and gasped at my wings. "Wh-what are you?" she whispered.

"Your savior," I answered. "But I still need your help. These damn pirates are attacking an Equestrian ship right now. We need to take this ship over to prevent them from hurting more ponies. I trust you all know enough about combat to help me?"

They all went tight-lipped about that. The first one that I assigned to watch them nodded after a moment.

"Then lead the charge," I said. "There is not much I can do in an open fight; I'm not a warrior. I'll try to watch your backs to make sure nothing sneaks up on you."

"Watch out for the griffin," one of them warned. "He's fierce." Oh fun. They have a flier.

I nodded. "I'll be careful. Lead the way."

The eyes of one of the unicorns in the group began to glow as his horn lit up. He took the lead, rushing past the others. He charged up the stairs at the end of the hall and the door exploded off its hinges, shooting out across the ship and impacting the mast, breaking the door in half. The stallion followed it onto the deck. The rest of us followed.

I got on the deck to find that we were right alongside the pony ship. There were a few boarders on the pony ship fighting against the guards, but most of the pirates' attention was on us.

"Showtime," I heard one of the unicorns whisper.

Pirates began to drop. I couldn't tell what was happening to them, but everything in all directions around us just began to fall. I drummed my fingers on the crossbow nervously at the display. I hate seeing magic used like this when I knew it could just as easily be used against me. As the pain on my chest was witness to, at that.

I began to check the skies, looking for the griffin that was supposedly out there. I saw some shapes flitting in and out of the skies and when I looked closer I realized some of the pegasus guards were fighting the griffin in the clouds. A gentle rain of blood trickled down from one of the guards as they dived and twirled in their deadly pirouette of battle. I knew I had no place up there.

So instead I took aim with my crossbow and waited for the griffin to stop moving long enough to draw a decent bead on it. I got my chance sooner than I was expecting as he struck one of the guards again and grabbed him by the throat to say a few gloating words as he raised his talons. I shot before he could take the killing blow and the bolt pierced him right in the ribs, a killing shot if I ever saw one.

I turned back to the battle as I reloaded the crossbow. More than half of the pirates on the deck were downed, felled by some mysterious spell. I saw the unicorns smiling darkly as they continued their work, facing in all directions around me as they worked their magic. I hefted my crossbow a bit, feeling pretty useless. I checked up in the air again to find that the pegasi and the griffin were gone.

I sighed and turned back to the deck. All of the pirates were now cowering from the onslaught of the ex-slaves. Many of them were trying to surrender.

"No mercy," I said aloud. "They'd get the death penalty for their crimes anyway. Might as well save us all the time." The unicorns didn't need any encouraging, that's for sure. Although I'm not certain Equestria _has _a death penalty. It does, however, have a Tartarus banishment, which was arguably worse.

I walked up to one of the first pirates that went down and checked to see if she was alive. The cat had no pulse. _Looks like unicorns are more deadly than I thought. _I stood to see the battle was pretty much over, aside from the fight on the Equestrian ship, which was winding down as the pirates realized their ship was gone and they weren't going to be able to take the other one.

The remaining pirates threw their arms down in disgust at having lost to ponies. The guards rounded them up. _Not going to be able to kill wouldn't allow it. Not _my _problem._

"Stand down!" I yelled to the ex-slaves. "Looks like we won." I turned one the group of exhausted unicorns. "Three of you, go get your kids and bring them up top. Get the two that are guarding them to make sure the rest of the ship is cleared. No reason to have any desperado trying to bargain his way to freedom with a hostage." Three of them limped back down into the ship. I went to the railing and waved one of the pegasus guards over. "Talk to these two," I told him. "Debrief them, comfort them, whatever." He looked at me strangely. "What?"

"Are you… are you okay?" he asked, looking at some of the blood stains on my body.

"I'm fine. I just… don't like magic. They'll feel better talking to a pony." He gave me a wary look before nodding and going to talk to the unicorns that were just now realizing their ordeal might be over. I went to check on more of the bodies.

_Dead. Dead. Wait, this one's brea—no, dead. Dead. Eww, he's_ definitely _dead._ I looked up. "Holy Christ." The entire crew of around forty was dead, aside from the five survivors that surrendered to the royal guards.

I shrugged and began stripping them of valuables and then throwing the bodies into the ocean.

I was on the twentieth when I heard a disgusted sound behind me. I kept working. "What are you doing?" I heard someone demand.

"No reason to let their weapons go to waste," I said without turning. I continued stripping weapons and coins from the body and grunted from the effort as I cast it over the side before turning to view the captain of the _Princess Celestia._

He was staring at me in horror.

"Did you need something?" I asked, wiping my hand on my desert clothes.

He blinked and shuddered. "We're ready to cast off and move on," he said. "The slaves are aboard our ship and the prisoners are secured. It's time to go, human."

"We're not leaving this ship," I replied.

He blinked. "_I _am in command, human," he said. "And _I _say it is time for us to go."

"We are taking this ship to Manehattan, selling it, and giving the profits to the slaves so they can start a new life. With their added wind power, we should be able to get both ships back to Equestria ahead of schedule easily enough."

He frowned. "If anything, this ship belongs to the royal navy! We can't just so casually sell her majesty's property!"

I walked up close to him and his eyes widened when he realized just how much bigger than him I was. "I am Celestia's word right here, _Captain_. Do _you _want to be the one to tell seven battled hardened unicorns to get the hell out of your sight with _nothing _when we reach Equestria? Do you want to see them turn to war or banditry to feed their children? As far as I have seen, Equestria doesn't have much of a welfare program. So you listen to me you stuck up groundie—" I have no idea what that insult means, but I've seen pegasi use it against earth ponies in the past to great effect. "—we're taking this ship and we're going to sell it and the unicorns are going to get all of the money. Do we have an understanding?"

He audibly gulped and nodded.

I turned back to looting.

In the end, I gathered up several belts of throwing knives, all manner of interesting daggers, and I replaced my nasty falchion with a much nicer one. I left the other weapons in a room in the pirate ship, to be dealt with as the unicorns chose. Unfortunately, their food stores were emptied of meat, so I couldn't grab any of that.

I casually walked my way through the ship, seeing if there was anything worth taking. A few bits, some cloth, a few jewels, a few books. I grabbed the books and threw them in a bag and left the rest for the unicorns to take.

I got back to the top just as this one was getting crewed by a few of the guards and some of _Princess Celestia_'s unicorns. "How's the guard that got hit by the griffin?" I asked them.

"Still alive," one of the guards told me. "We thought he was done for when your weapon ripped the griffin out of the air. The guard is hurt and may have trouble flying in the future, but he'd be dead right now if it wasn't for you." He smiled darkly. "That's more than we can say for the griffin." I shrugged and jumped back to our ship. I was just glad he was able to give me the shot.

When I got back to the ship I was quickly surrounded by several smiling unicorns that I did my best to just walk past; I wanted to let Taya know I was okay. And I wanted to change out of these bloody clothes.

Their smiles didn't last long when I realized I was trying to get around them. "What's the matter?" one of the stallions asked.

_I don't like being acclaimed_. "I have business to take care of," I answered. _You terrify me._ "I am rather noticeable." _Please ignore me for the rest of the trip_. "If you wish to talk later, I shouldn't be hard to find."

The smiles returned as they nodded. I noticed the mare that tried to murder me wasn't among their group. I saw the kids hanging back, probably terrified of me after having seen me take care of the two cats. Or they were just as traumatized as Taya had been.

I went below, to my quarters, and knocked on the door. "I'm back, Taya." The door swung open. "My apologies for taking so long." All in all, I think the endeavor took maybe an hour. Looting took longer than the actual fight. I stepped inside and she gasped at the blood.

"Are you okay?" she asked as she rushed over to me for a hug.

"I am fine," I said. "A few others aren't. And we have some new passengers on the ship. Please don't go out of your way to talk to the adult unicorns, but feel free to talk to their kids if you want." I didn't want her to end up learning any deadly magic on accident. I wasn't expecting her to talk to any of them anyway, but I wanted to be safe. "And _do not_ go into the cargo hold." That was where the prisoners were stored. Passengers already weren't supposed to be down there, but I didn't want to risk it.

"I won't," she promised as she released me.

I dropped the sack on the bed. "I picked up a few more books for you, but I don't know what's in them. I'll give them a look before you can have them, right after I wash and get changed." She may be traumatized and incredibly mature, but there's no reason to let her go around reading smut. She's still a bloody child.

She nodded. I started taking off my weapons and setting them down out of the way. I would have to clean them all, but thankfully pirates take great care of their weapons. You know, since their lives and livelihoods depend on them not getting captured or killed. Weapons removed, I peeled the nasty clothes off and threw them into a corner to be dealt with later. I went to our small bathroom that I still don't know exactly how worked.

Some things in this world, man… It's just not worth trying to understand.

Anyway, with the shower done I walked back into my quarters to find a crew member there. She blushed for some reason when she saw me half naked. _What the hell?_ Taya was staring at her.

"Yes?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

She pulled her gaze from my pasty-white chest—it _really _wasn't that sexy, no matter what she seemed to think. "The captain wishes for you to dine with him this night, Navarone," she said.

"What the hell does that mean? The captain doesn't even have his own dining room." He eats with the crew, as does everyone else.

"He said you would be meeting on the deck, so you could talk with the unicorns in private." It's kind of sad when you have to be on deck to have enough room to have a private meeting.

"I'll think about it," I answered. I would go, of course; the captain couldn't actually _do _anything to me, but he could make life a bit harder on the boat.

She gave me a shy smile. "He thought you would say something like that. He said you can either eat with him or you can eat with me."

I blinked. _What the actual fuck? _"Then it's a shame duty requires me to join him," I commented with a fake sigh. _Maybe she joined the navy to meet new creatures and fuck them._ "There will be room for Taya, I assume?"

She gave a real sigh and nodded. "The children of the unicorns will also be on deck. She can eat with them." I saw Taya tense. I gently put a hand on her head. She was afraid of meeting other pony children for the first time.

"We'll be there, I suppose," I finally said. She gave me the time to meet them and a small salute—and another little smile—and left. When she was gone I shuddered._ I'm tired of ponies thinking they're sexy._

I started getting dressed.

"Do I have to go?" Taya asked.

"You don't have to, I suppose," I answered. "But there will be food. I don't expect the kids to be doing much talking tonight. They're pretty traumatized."

That didn't completely assuage her fears, but I also didn't really care. I sat on the bed and began pulling out books. There weren't many on the ship that I found. Two of them were full of smut. The rest were mostly nautical books that I deemed fit to read, if incredibly boring. I threw the smut into my pack of clothes to give to a friend later—and no, that doesn't mean I kept them for myself. I actually _did _plan on giving them to a friend; I just don't want to mention his or her name.

Now that all of that business was out of the way, I started thinking. _How can I avoid seven powerful unicorns for a few weeks?_ Correct answer: I can't.

I didn't like that answer.

Next question… Why am I really so afraid of them? I saved them and their kids; they wouldn't hurt me, would they?

That mare sure didn't seem to have any problem with it… But the rest of them would probably help keep me safe, right?

I also thought about the prisoners. _Did I really say_… no mercy? I guess I really haven't learned a damn thing from the ponies after all. But… they were pirates. They would have killed or enslaved us. They had enslaved ponies and there's no telling what other crimes they have committed in the past.

Though I'm not so squeaky clean myself…

_I won't decide anything about the prisoners we have now. The ponies can have them for all I care._ It wasn't my place anyway.

I sighed. _Why do I have to deal with shit like this?_

I felt a nudge on my arm and I flinched. I looked down to see Taya trying to get under my arm so she could sit across my lap to read. I don't know why she likes it there, but whatever. I moved my arm and she crawled up. I gently stroked her as she read some book. I occasionally reached down to help her turn the pages.

Dinner came sooner than I would have hoped. I sighed when I realized it was time to go. Taya hopped down and I picked up a few weapon belts just in case. It felt nice to have the reassuring weight of deadly arms on me, even if they were looted from a pirate and I didn't have much practice using them yet. I would have taken the crossbow, but it got in the way sometimes.

I led the way down the corridor with Taya behind me, as it usually is when we head to dinner. And…. Well, when we head anywhere, really. She just trails passively behind me unless I tell her to lead the way or walk beside me.

We got outside to find everyone else already out there.

There were gasps of surprise from the unicorns. That was when I realized that they hadn't actually seen me yet, only me with the wrap on my head. They probably thought I was some kind of mutant cat or dog.

I joined them in their little circle near the front of the ship. They were all sitting on the deck, with a few large plates of food in the center. Their kids sat in a smaller circle—there weren't really all that many kids, about nine—behind us. Taya sat down as close to me as she could get. They were all still staring at me, aside from the captain who was eagerly eating.

"What did you need me for?" I asked him. He didn't look up. "Captain." He looked up at that. "Why am I here?"

"To discuss them," he answered, waving a hoof at the assembled unicorns.

I looked at the unicorns for a moment before turning my gaze back to the captain. "They are not my concern. I told you what we were going to do for them. I leave it up to you to deal with it."

"From what you said, you made it rather clear that _you _are the highest authority on this ship," he casually said, sipping at a glass of water. "I hardly see why that should be my responsibility."

I glared at him. "Because as the highest authority on this ship I am telling you that it is your responsibility. Unless you want one of them," I said with a wave to the unicorns, "to sell the ship for you. Or," I mused aloud as I turned to face one of the unicorns, "you all want to keep the ship yourself."

The one I looked at turned a bit pale. "I am done with the sea… whoever you are."

I turned back to the captain. "There. Sell the ship and divide the profits evenly among the unicorns. If there was a reward for the pirates we killed and captured, keep the reward for the pirates you killed and captured and give the rest to them, since they did so much more to earn it."

The captain's face grew darker at each word.

Before he could explode, I said, "You didn't join the navy to get rich, did you?"

There wasn't anything he could really say to that without admitting hate for me or his own greed.

One of the unicorns finally spoke up, "So… what _are _you?" she asked.

I looked at her. "I am a human," I answered. "A royal agent of sorts."

They all blinked at that. One of the stallions asked, "Are we… are we going to Equestria?"

"Yes," I said.

"What will happen to us?" one of the mares whispered, looking like she was on the verge of tears.

"You'll get the money from selling the pirate ship and if there's a reward for taking down the pirates you'll get that as well. From that point you're on your own, I suppose. That money should be enough to get you established somewhere."

That announcement was met with mixed reactions. As they thought it over reached down and grabbed some food and handed the plate to Taya and then grabbed some for myself. Sadly, there was no meat, but by now I was used to that disappointment.

Taya and I began to eat as well, which opened the floodgates for the others. "Don't eat too much," I warned, seeing how skinny most of them were. "If you're on the verge of starvation and eat too much you'll get sick." I don't think any of them were going to listen to my advice.

After a few minutes of silence, the captain said, "So Navarone, what do you suggest we do with the prisoners?"

I ground my teeth together. "Give them to the guards at Manehattan, since you were dumb enough to let them surrender. We can't just kill them now, since there are actually _passengers _aboard this ship. Just be happy that we killed the naga and the griffin already; dogs and cats are vicious, but easy enough to guard."

He nodded as though he expected nothing else from me. Which to be honest he probably didn't. "So you truly are barbaric," he casually said as he continued eating.

"Yes, I am," I answered. "And you know what else?" He looked up and raised he eyebrow, smiling slightly. "Celestia uses me anyway, knowing it," I finished with a vicious smile. His face fell and he quickly went back to eating so he could try to hide his expression. In calling me and my methods barbaric and knowing that Celestia allows what I do, he basically called her barbaric.

None of the unicorns commented.

We continued eating in silence for a little while. Finally one of them looked up at me, a stallion, "You don't even know our names…" he said.

I looked to him. "You are correct, I don't," I flatly said. I didn't even make it sound like a question. He blinked at my tone and looked back down to his food.

The mare that tried to kill me gave me a nasty look. "You aren't very nice, are you?" she asked.

"Taya, am I a nice person?" I asked her.

She didn't look that happy to be called upon to talk, but she quietly said, "Yes… but you're acting mean because you're scared."

_What the… How did she… Huh._ "There you go," I said to the mare. "I _am _nice. Maybe you should just get your panties unwadded."

Her glowing horn was the only warning I had before I flew backwards so quickly that I hit the railing and flipped over it and was dangling over the water before I realized I had moved. I don't know why I was floating or what the hell had just happened, but I did know my entire body was in pain. And I did know that as soon as I got my feet back on deck there was going to be a unicorn in a whole different world of pain.

I very slowly drifted back up until I was standing upright on the deck. I felt the magic release me and saw that all six of the other unicorns had stepped in to save me. The bitch that threw me was on her back with a bleeding nose.

I calmly walked up to the group that was staring at me in horror. I knelt down on top of the bitch that threw me and put my knee on her chest and put down enough pressure to get her attention. I calmly drew a knife and tapped her horn. "That is strike two for you. I'm giving you three because I know you just went through a terrifying ordeal. If you attack me one more time I will cut off your horn and throw it into the ocean."

She stared at me with horror.

I removed my knee and sat back where I was. Sadly, my plate was now resting at the bottom of the ocean, so I settled for using Taya's since she had finished.

It was around that time that I noticed everyone was staring at me in horror.

I sighed. "Am I bleeding again?" I asked.

Taya whispered, "Yes…"

I dropped the plate. "Fuck it." I stood. "If you unicorns need anything, it isn't my problem and I don't really care. Bother the captain."

I had time to see them look at each other in confusion before I walked back below, Taya following me. It was then that I noticed each step was an agony. I don't know how I didn't realize that before. "Taya, I'm going to the doc. You can go back to the room if you want." She continued following me as I went past our door.

I limped to the small medical ward and got there just as the doctor was stepping out. "What happened to you?" he asked. "I thought the guards said you weren't injured in that fight!"

"One of our _guests_," I hissed with venom, "has decided to take a disliking to me. I do not have defenses against magic."

He sighed and gestured me to follow him back inside. I saw a few guards inside, all bandaged up—this guy was a unicorn, but he wasn't strong enough to heal most wounds as quickly as Twilight or Celestia. "How bad are you?" he asked.

"Fuck if I know," I said. "I just know my entire back is shooting agony into my mind and that it hurts to walk."

He looked at me. "I'll be honest, I don't know much about you. I don't know what's… normal, I suppose, and what's not. I can relieve your pain but from the sounds of things something inside of you is broken and I don't know if I can successfully heal that."

"Try," I told him. As badly as it hurt, anything would be better than nothing.

His horn glowed for a few seconds and I felt the warm glow of healing in me. After a second it cut off.

"I'm sorry, but that's all I can do," he gasped, his voice weary. "With the influx of wounded, I'm running nearly on empty…"

I flexed. There was a little less pain but it still hurt like a bitch. "Thanks for the effort, at least," I sighed.

I'm really, really getting tired of this fucking world.

Taya and I headed back to my room. I was still limping, sadly. We got there to find the unicorn that saved me the first time waiting inside. I stared at him. He stared at me.

"What," I said. Not a question. Just a flat "What." I was in pain and I didn't feel like dealing with this anymore.

He looked down. "We're grateful," he said. "Sunny… She's just been through a lot." He looked up. "And she won't be bothering you again," he said, his voice hardening. His voice softened again as he continued, "But the rest of us would like to talk to you and thank you."

I looked down at Taya who was looking at the unicorn with interest. I looked back up to the fellow. "The only thanks I'm interested in are the kind that heal me. If one of the six of you can heal me, I might be willing to talk to you."

He noticed me looking at Taya. "She said you were afraid. What are you afraid of?"

"I don't discuss my fears with strangers. Heal me or get out. Preferably both."

"I'll heal you if you promise to give the rest of us a chance." _Shit_.

"I am giving you a chance," I replied. "A chance at a new life. One that doesn't involve war. One without violence. One without misery. Talking with me raises the chance of all of that changing before it even starts. I am a bad influence on the minds of ponies. Now, if you aren't going to heal me, get out; talking hurts."

He shook his head. "You're not like the ponies here, Navarone," he said. I narrowed my eyes. "We have seen… Too much. The captain called you a barbarian for wanting to kill those pirates. He is soft. Almost all of the ponies are. We can't just acclimatize back to a society like that, not if we're going to Equestria. You obviously live there and can help us. So if you want my help, I want your word that you'll give us your help."

There is no way to convey the desire I had to tell him to get out. To wipe that determined look off his face. I don't know why I felt that way. By all rights I should be happy to help, as I was with Taya. But… I'm afraid of magic, you see. All seven of them had proven to be rather powerful and extremely deadly. I didn't want to be anywhere near them.

Taya mumbled something.

"What did you say, Taya?" I quietly asked, trying to calm myself.

"They have foals," she whispered.

I closed my eyes and would have massaged my temple if moving like that didn't hurt. After a second I opened my eyes again. "Fine," I growled. "Heal me now and you can come by tomorrow. Knock first."

He healed me fully and left without a word.

I sat on the bed, staring at the wall. _Why am I feeling like this? I'm going home! I should be happy!_

But what's the point of going home if there's so little there to look forward to?

I couldn't help a sigh as Taya crawled her way back up to my lap.

"Taya, what do you know of morality?" I asked when she was settled.

"What's morality?" she asked.

"Someone's personal system of right and wrong," I answered. "It is self-determined, often built from parents and your community while you are growing up."

"Oh," she whispered. Oh right. Parents. Shit.

I sighed. "I'm just asking because mine seems to be completely gone today. My patience is growing short and my mood is growing darker the closer we get to Equestria, and I don't know why. I know what I should be doing and what I should be feeling, but instead of doing that I just act."

"You freed several slaves because of it," she quietly answered.

"Yeah, I did. And now I'm acting like a total jerk to them just because they want to thank me. You were—somehow—correct when you said I was afraid of them. Magic itself makes me uneasy, even after so long, but the magic I saw them use today was terrifying. And then to have it used against me like that..." I shook my head. "No, I don't want anything to do with them." I punched the bed. "But I know I need to. What that fellow said was correct: They will need my help readjusting to life."

I heard her mutter something. Before I could ask what she said, she spoke up, "None of them will hurt you. I won't let them." I couldn't help a small smile at that. She might be a unicorn, but she didn't know any magic and she was just a filly. She might as well have been reading my thoughts, since she said, "They'll see me and assume I'm your daughter. If they were doing magic for the pirates because the pirates had their children, they'll not risk hurting you or me out of sympathy."

I looked down at the filly in my lap with a mixture of fear and pride. She wasn't looking at me, but was looking at the closed book in front of her. That plan was devious, something I should have come up with. But her mind shouldn't be that dark. _She was an orphan on the streets of Catro. There's no telling what she did to survive._

"Celestia is going to enjoy having you in her castle, I think," I said, stroking her gently. Taya didn't respond, just opened the book.

I sighed, finally noticing how tired I was. Killing people and getting healed can really wear a guy out, I suppose.

Huh. There was a time when I would have been shocked at how blasé I've become about the idea of killing someone. Ponyland is not at all as peaceful as I thought. I shook my head sadly as I gently lifted Taya off my lap and lowered her onto the bed.

"I'm going to sleep. Don't stay up all night, unless you really think sleeping on my lap will make you more effective in convincing the unicorns not to attack me."

She didn't say anything. Thankfully, I was well used to sleeping in small areas and with the lights on, so it didn't take long for sleep to find me.

I awoke some time later to a tapping, as of someone gently rapping—Get the fuck out of my head, Poe. Someone was knocking at the door. My entire body felt sore, so I was quite thankful when Taya jumped down to get it.

I pushed myself up and flipped over and began to stretch, popping everything I could. The normal morning routine, for me. I was sore from sleeping nearly fourteen hours, as it turned out. My body felt dry. I went to the bathroom and drained as much water out of the tap as I could.

Then I went back into the room to see who was bothering me: A unicorn mare, a colt, and a filly. I looked at them with eyes that I imagined looked pretty dead.

"Yes?" I finally asked, trying to make my voice something other than a growl. I saw Taya gently ease the door shut and the trot to my side. I put a hand on her head.

The mare saw that and smiled lightly. "Flash told us to come by today to talk with you. He mentioned you really needed rest and would be more willing to talk in the morning." There wasn't a window or a clock in my room, so I had no idea if it was actually morning or not.

I shrugged. "Killing people puts me in a bad mood. So does getting attacked for helping someone. Sit," I said, waving them to the bed. "I have nothing else to offer other than a seat, so I hope you have already eaten."

They moved to the bed, the children walking as closely to the mare as they could get and sitting just as close when they were down. I moved across the room to the wall and sat against it, leaning forward a bit so my wings didn't get caught. Taya sat on my lap.

"What did you want to discuss?" I finally asked, putting one of my hands on Taya.

"I wanted to thank you," the mare said. "Some of us were talking to the crew… and apparently it is common practice for Equestrian ships to flee from pirate ships. And if they can't escape, they typically can't put up that much of a fight if the other crew has unicorns." _No wonder there are pirates out there._ "One of the mares on the crew said it was your plan to rescue us and use us against the pirates. And when you left last night after dinner, the captain confirmed what you said about giving us all the money from selling their ship and most of the reward money from killing the pirates. You're a hero…"  
_A hero in burnished armor._ "I'm not a hero," I answered. "Just a man that wants to live in peace but isn't given the option." I shrugged. "I'm honestly shocked at how many people seem to think I'm good. I am a royal agent that specializes in infiltration and silent removal." I made that up on the spot because it sounded cool. "Essentially, I'm a murderer. That doesn't make me good. That makes me useful."

"Or modest," the mare murmured. My eyes hardened. "You can say what you want. Nothing you say will put my foals back in that pirate hold. Not after you broke them out."

"Fine. Have it your way. I grow weary of debating the merits of heroism. How long were you imprisoned?"

"Three years. The things we've done… The things I've seen…" She sighed and shook her head. "I will never forget them, will I?"

"You won't," I evenly replied, gently stroking Taya. "Your dreams will be haunted by them almost every night. You'll hear the laughter of children one day and in your mind it'll be screams. You'll see a flash of light and think it's an explosion. You'll see magic being used and automatically assume it's for a deadly purpose. Every time you let someone who wasn't there get near you, you'll eventually push them away. Some days you won't be able to get out of bed. You'll try to find some escape, some outlet… But there's nothing there. Drugs will help you forget, for a time. But you'll remember when you sober up. You're finally free, but your mind is still trapped…" Her eyes watered up as soon as I started and she was gently crying by the time I was halfway done. "My people have a name for it. Post-traumatic stress disorder. When I left my lands there was no known cure. I've suffered from a weak form of it ever since…" I thought back. "Ever since my first kill, I suppose. It has gotten steadily worse. I don't often have pleasant dreams. I grow weary of dealing with ponies. My patience dies. My anger grows quickly."

It took her a few minutes to stop crying. "What can we do?" she finally hoarsely whispered.

"Be there for each other. Almost none of the ponies in Equestria will understand what you've been through. If you make a friend that wasn't there and they ask you what's wrong when they find you crying, you won't be able to tell them. You can try, but the words won't come. Nothing can describe it. The only comfort you'll find is with those that were there with you, or those that have been through similar. That's why I don't want your thanks," I said at last. "I've freed your body, but I don't know how to free your mind."

"Is… is that all we can do?" she whispered.

"The power of friendship," I said, "can conquer just about everything." Fucking Twilight and her diatribes against my sanity; she's always preaching something or another about the 'power of friendship.' This is the only case that I can think of where it actually applies. "You can try to dedicate your life to something to help you forget, but… The problem will still be there. Do not take solitude in drugs or pleasure or the like. I suggest taking the money you earn and finding a quiet place that isn't Ponyville to settle down in."

She looked at me with her bloodshot eyes. "How do you deal with it?" she asked.

I looked back with my clear, hard eyes. "I don't," I answered. And there was my problem, I realized. That's why I'm acting like a jerk and that's why I let Kat anywhere near me. I'm going away from the place where so much of it happened and back into a world where no one can understand. The slaves I rescued at least had each other. I had… no one.

How long can something like me survive in a world of pastel colored, ultra-friendly, reality-defying ponies? I guess I'll find out.

"Why don't you stay with us, then?" the mare asked. "We haven't been through what you have, but at least we're more able to understand your problems."

"I'm not a pony and I already have a place. I think me being around you would be detrimental to you getting better. Trust me when I say it's for the best." I shrugged. "And hell, who knows: PTSD might not even affect ponies. It might just be me that's damaged. You might just need a few years to get over it. I don't really know."

We shared a small silence for a few minutes. Finally, she asked, "So where do you come from?"

"An alternate reality," I answered.

She looked at me like I was an idiot. Finally she shrugged. "My answer is more boring, I suppose. I'm from Stalliongrad, though I've done so much traveling now it's not like it really matters. I'd like to find a place to settle down…"

"You can get to just about anywhere from Manehattan, where we're bound," I told her. "And when the ship sells you shouldn't have any worry about money for a little while. I'm sure you'll find a place in the world."

She finally gave a small smile. "I've heard nice things about Ponyville…"

"Someone lied to you, then," I answered with a frown. "That place is not good for those like us. It looks like a nice little village from the outside, but if you spend a month there, you'll probably wind up with at least two near disasters and all manner of terrifying events. There's this one chick that lives there that defies reality. She can appear anywhere at any time. She uses a fucking cannon for mobile parties." I shook my head. "No, I don't suggest moving to Ponyville."

She sighed. "You just said that friendship can conquer all. But you don't seem to want to be friends with any of us!"

"I'm afraid of magic," I said. She blinked. "Terrified, in some ways. I have absolutely no defense against it. I've had it used against me several times in the past and I know it might happen again in the future. The fewer unicorns I have around the less the chance is that I'll be attacked by it." I felt Taya flinch.

"But friends don't… We would never hurt you. We could even protect you! You saw how quick we were to help you against Sunny. She's just mad at you because you have wings, but she'll get over that in time. You have our word that she'll never hurt you, Navarone."

"She tried killing me before she knew I had wings," I said.

"No, she held you down before she knew that. She didn't try killing you until your cover was off. Flash told us that."

"Fine. Either way, she tried to kill me. Twice, I believe. And both times I had to be saved by another unicorn. I'd rather just not risk it happening at all. So no, I don't really care to be your friends. I'll talk with you and help you try to get back into the mindset of living in a pony society, but I'm not looking for more friends."

She just looked at me. After a long moment of silence, she asked, "Do you mind if our kids wait outside."

"Yes, I do mind. I am not interested in anything they cannot be privy to."

She rolled her eyes. "I just want to show you that magic doesn't have to be bad. Surely there's nothing wrong with that."

I shook my head. "Not interested."

She sniffed. "What, prefer stallions? I'm sure I can talk one of them in here to show you."

I glared at her. "No, I'm interested in things that aren't ponies. And if you continue talking about this you're going to be leaving my room."

She met my glare with a very confused look. "You're not attracted to ponies? At all?" I stiffly nodded. "Well, you just got a lot more interesting." I reached over to my pile of weapons and pulled a knife out and set it down next to me. She saw that and chuckled. "I'm not going to force you into anything, Nav." I narrowed my eyes at her use of my name. "I take your threat against Sunny seriously enough. It's just surprising, is all. I'll be sure to let Sunny know; she might dislike you less when she learns that."

"I don't care how she feels about me," I harshly said. "When I leave Manehattan that'll be the last I see of any of you. I don't know any of your names but the chick that hates me and the guy that seems to be in charge, and I'm happy with that."

She gave me a warm smile. "You have a few weeks to change your mind. Longer, if we want; we control the winds of these two ships now, and we're more powerful than the unicorns already assigned to this ship."

"I have two princesses that are looking forward to my report," I said. "I think they might be displeased if I was delayed."

She giggled. "I think they might understand. Besides, it's not like they'll be able to do anything worse to us, after what's already been done!"

I think the grinding of my teeth was audible.

She got up with a smile. "I think I'll go for a short little walk. I'm sure your next guest will be here shortly." She got up, her children following her. "I'll see you later, Navarone," she sweetly said as she left.

"It's going to be a long few weeks," I said when she was gone.

"You could make it easy on yourself and be nicer," Taya answered.

I sighed. "I could, but where's the fun in that?"

It took us about a month to get to Manehattan, and the unicorns were with us for about three weeks. It was early August when we got there, I believe. That was the biggest pony city Taya had yet seen. I got more books for Taya and some train tickets to Canterlot.

I don't know what became of the unicorns. I upheld my end of the bargain and talked with them all, aside from the chick that tried to kill me; she never came by. Some of them might have even considered me a friend. But they didn't know where their life was taking them and to be quite honest I still couldn't make myself care. I also don't know what became of the prisoners.


	29. Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Seven—The wager

A few days later saw us arriving at Canterlot in the dead of night. Taya was asleep when we arrived, so I gently picked her up and carried her, along with all of the stuff we had, to the palace.

The palace was decked out for the Gala, which I had completely forgotten about. Thankfully, the party didn't seem to be that day, as there weren't tons of ponies there. Also thankfully, the guards and servants all recognized me, and showed us both to some good quarters.

I set all the stuff and Taya down. She had barely stirred the entire way. I was trying to decide if I should try to find either Luna or Celestia to report, or try to get some sleep, when my mind was made up by a servant that was sent to bring me to Princess Luna. I grabbed the report I had been working on—basically my journal entries, minus all the dialogues where I said anything impolite about Celestia or Luna—and followed him out, leaving a short note for Taya. I didn't expect her to wake up, but you never know.

The servant led me to the throne room, where Luna was waiting. "You think you need to defend yourself against sweet little me?" she asked, eying the large amount of weapons she could see strapped around my body.

Truth be told, I hadn't even noticed them; I was so used to wearing them that I stopped paying attention to them. Instead of saying that, though, I said, "I don't think I would be able to defend myself against you. The last time I tried, I ended up as a nasty stain against the wall."

For some reason, she smiled at that. "Remember that the next time you brag to a guard at how easy my sister or I would be to… _take down._"

"Oh, you mean assassinate? That's very different from self-defense. Yeah, I don't think I would have any problem with that."

"Maybe you're interested in a little wager, then?" she asked with a secret smile.

"I don't make bets with royalty."

"We could make it a competition, with a prize for the winner."

"No thanks. I'd be happy to do a training exercise with the guards, if it meant you and your sister were better protected. But I'll not risk any of my limited possessions—or whatever else you might try to wager—to something I might lose."

She looked hurt. "You're no fun sometimes, Nav." A second later she was staring at a bolt sticking out of the wall right next to her head.

I lowered the crossbow. "And you just lost your competition, lass. Would you like to see my report on the Egypt situation, or should I save it for Princess Celestia?"

She was still gaping, wide-eyed at the bolt. "H...How? I didn't even see… What did you do?"

"I just proved to you that I'm as good as my word. Now, the Egypt report?"

"Save it for Celestia… Is that what that hunk of wood you carry around does? How does it work?"

"One piece of bendable wood holds a string tightly in place. You pull that string back to build massive amounts of tension, and lock it in place. Then you put a projectile in front of the string. When I pull the trigger, the string is released from its lock and forces itself back to its original position. The projectile uses that force to propel itself forward at astonishing rates, very accurately. If I wanted to, I could nail your head to the throne from fifty meters away."

"And this is a common weapon where you come from?"

"Oh, heavens no! This thing is primitive compared to what we use. This thing's maximum effective range is around a hundred meters, if you're a very good shot and you're aiming at a good sized target. The best weapon we have that a single person can carry with him can kill from two kilometers away, though that is an uncommon weapon. Civilians usually use smaller weapons that can easily kill up to twenty meters away, but do a hell of a lot more damage than a crossbow. It's easy to wound someone with this, but harder to kill them, unless you hit a vital organ. The weapons we use can make you bleed out easily. There are also weapons available to our military that can kill you on the other side of the planet, anywhere from one to billions of people at a time."

We spent a good while talking. I pulled the bolt out of the wall and showed her more closely how the crossbow worked. We also spoke a bit of my time in Egypt, and of Taya, who was soon going to be living in the orphanage. And I learned that the Gala was tomorrow. "Your friends from Ponyville weren't planning on coming this year, aside from Twilight. They might change their minds once they learn you're here."

"I find myself doubting it. It takes a while to get ready for a party like that, for women. Me, I just throw something on and show up. Not like most of these ponies will know the difference anyway."

"I don't suppose Z will be making a reappearance?"

"Hell no."

"That's a shame. When Celestia told me that was you, I almost strangled her for not telling me sooner. I wouldn't have let you out of my clutches, if I had known that's what you looked like as a pony."

"C'est la vie, I suppose."

"What?"

"An old idiom from my world. Means such is life."

"Seems like a good phrase for your world."

"Aye, it gets used more than a bit."

"So what are you planning on doing with Taya?"

"Leaving her here with Celestia's orphanage. She's your problem now."

"What do you mean, problem? Emerald Script described her as incredibly well behaved and very quiet."

"Because she's psychologically scarred. She's so terrified of speaking out or getting any attention drawn to her that she almost never talks to anyone that isn't me. She's used to being attacked or worse. It's going to take her a while to get over that, and I'm not a psychologist."

"How do you think she'll handle being taken away from you?"

"Poorly, is my guess. I feel bad about that, but it's probably for her own good to be taken from me. I'm a terrible person and I'd make a worse parent."

"I think we both know better than that, Nav. I listened to your story, and the response you got. You may not be a good parent, but I know you're not a bad person. And I know Celestia listened to your long talks with the unicorns from the pirate ship. It would be good for Taya to be around you."

"Man, why did Celestia tell you that you were allowed to eavesdrop on me again? I thought she was going to keep that privilege for herself."

"We're always honest with each other now, remember? At least one of us was listening to you the entire time you were over there." My blood ran cold at that. She smiled a bit at seeing my face drain of blood. I didn't take the bait, though.

"Bah! You two can keep your honesty. I'd prefer a good bit of lying, myself."

"I can tell. You've already told me a few in this conversation alone."

I assumed she had some manner of lie detector spell going on. "You know me, lass. I couldn't tell the truth if I was being paid."

"So what does it take to get you to tell the truth?"

"I'll let you know when I figure it out." I pretended to think for a second. "Actually, on second thought, I don't think I will. That's dangerous information to be giving out to a princess."

She stuck her tongue out at me.

"Besides, I couldn't teach Taya magic, and I think she wants to learn that."

"There is no better school of magic in Equestria than here in Canterlot. If she wants to learn, this is the right place for it."

"There you go. Yet another reason she shouldn't continue staying with me."

"Unless you start living in Canterlot."

"I know two people in Canterlot, and both of them are princesses. And I couldn't afford to send her to an expensive magic school."

"You're lying again. How many bits do you have on you right now?"

I thought, and surreptitiously felt around my body. That got old, so I decided to do some quick math instead. "Let's see… Emerald Script gave me five hundred bits when I left—which was ridiculously heavy, I might add. I spent one to get some books in Alexandria, four to buy train tickets to San Sebastian, one to buy some books there, twenty for passage to Manehattan, four for tickets to Canterlot… So four hundred and seventy bits. I have no idea what that's worth. I've never really dealt much in the economy here."

Luna was smiling and shaking her head. "Navarone, that's enough to buy a house and then some. And you're carrying it around with no idea…" She barked a short laugh. "You could send Taya to school forever with that much money, and buy any manner of house in Canterlot while you're at it."

I got a bit sweaty at that news. I didn't realize the ridiculous fortune I had on me. I figured a bit was like a dollar. No wonder Emerald Script looked at me like an idiot when I asked if five hundred would be enough to get home with.

"But… This isn't my money anyway, not really. This is Celestia's money, or yours. I was just borrowing what I needed to get home!"

"Don't think you can excuse yourself out of wealth that easily, Nav. I think it's about time you were rewarded for your services. Even if you are a bit heavy handed or eccentric at times. I believe Celestia will agree."

"I don't! Good lord, this is a bloody fortune. I'll never need this much money for anything!"

"You might if you want to take care of Taya."

"Taya is going to the orphanage, where she'll be better off!"

"Do you really think she'll be better off living with nothing but ponies after what she's seen? Do you think any of them will be able to understand what she's been through?"

"I think she'll be better off in a loving home with two normal pony parents. Not living with an emotionally stunted human that gets called off every few months to kill people for two princesses that rule over a world that's a lot more violent than I thought when I got here. I can't raise a child. I just can't do it."

"What are you so afraid of?"

"I… I'm afraid of screwing up. I couldn't bear looking someone who depended on me in the eyes and seeing an accusation there. I know that's irrational. I know that most children don't think of things in those terms. But I still can't help but feel a bit of anger at some of the things my parents did... And if I was a parent and I thought my child might feel something like that for me, I would feel devastated inside. And I couldn't handle that."

"So that's what it takes to get you to tell the truth… Pain. Fear. Sorrow."

"That is what humans respond to. It often brings the best out in us…" _Or the worst_. We were silent for a while.

"Go on to bed, Nav. You'll have to present your report to Celestia early tomorrow. The party doesn't start until late, but some ponies like to start showing up early, and she has to be there to greet them." I bowed slightly and left.

I found Taya still in bed. I removed most of my weapons and left them on the floor. This bed was a hell of a lot bigger than the ones we were used to, so I just went to bed on the other side of her. I still didn't know what to do with her… I figured Celestia and Twilight could give me some manner of advice.

I went to sleep with that thought in my head.

I was woken up by Taya gently shaking me, whispering, "There's someone at the door…" In my haze of sleepiness, I realized what words she said before I comprehended their meaning. _Someone_. Picking up mannerisms from me already. Then it clicked.

I groaned, and yelled, "What?" I heard a muted voice behind the door. "Come in, dammit!" I wearily sat up and looked to see dawn streaming over the horizon. When Luna said early, I figured she meant around noon or so, not the crack of dawn.

The door opened and a servant came in. "Princess Celestia wants to see both of you at your earliest convenience."

"Throne room?"

"Sitting room. She said you'd know the one."

"Of course. It's only the same one we've used for every bloody meeting. I'll be there shortly." He nodded and left.

I sighed and began changing, and muttering. "I was going to shave, get a bath, get some real food… Maybe some cake or something… But nooo! Bloody princesses…"

"Doesn't… doesn't convenience mean when we're ready? We could do all that first."

"That phrase doesn't mean the same thing when it's royalty that's waiting on you. That phrase means hurry up and get there as fast as possible." I finished dressing and started strapping on weapons before I realized what I was doing. When I did, I stopped adding new ones but didn't take any of the ones I already put on off. That left me with a belt of throwing knives, the falchion, and the crossbow and its bolts. "You ready to go meet Princess Celestia?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." I cocked the crossbow, just in case Celestia tried to pull a stunt like Luna did last night.

"Are you expecting her to attack us?"

"No. But I've learned that it's best to err on the side of caution. I would tell you to be on your best behavior, but then I'd go and set a bad example by not being on mine. That, and I don't think you know how to misbehave… Shall we?"

I led the way to the sitting room. I was somewhat amazed at the number of servants up and about, more than I had seen in a good while. Though preparations for a party as big as the Gala take a good while. The number would likely die down a bit over the day, until they became all but invisible during the party itself.

I got to the door of the sitting room and hesitated. I looked down at Taya. "When she looks at you, look her in the eyes. I think it'll do you good." With that said, I opened the door.

Princess Celestia and Twilight were both inside. Saved me the time of finding Twilight, I figured.

"Navarone!" Twilight rushed forward to hug me. I was a bit surprised at that; I was used to her being a bit more reserved.

"Aye, lass, it's me." I said, holding her. "I didn't know you'd be in town already."

She let me go, and said, "I got in yesterday. Come in, come in!" Taya and I followed her in. "Oh? Are you Taya?" Twilight asked, seeing her.

"Taya, this is Twilight. You can blame Twilight for me being here." Celestia smiled at that.

Taya looked down and whispered, "Thank you."

"First time anyone's thanked her for that," I muttered. "Go keep Twilight busy for a spell, would you? I believe Celestia and I have some words to trade."

"Don't worry, Taya," Celestia said, looking at her. "I won't keep him long, and Twilight has long wanted to meet you."

Taya was staring right at Celestia's eyes, wide-eyed. I don't think Taya believed me when I told everyone the story of how I first felt when I saw them for myself. It's terrifying, in a way, but it's also incredibly uplifting.

Twilight broke Taya's concentration and gaze by herding her away to a corner. I handed—not quite the phrase, I suppose, more like held it up to be grabbed by magic—the report to Celestia. "I figure you already know most of this, but whatever you didn't know is there."

Without looking at it, she said, "You know, a lesser pony might be insulted by some of the things you said about me while you were over there."

"I'm glad you're such a great pony, then."

She snorted at that. "You sure don't seem to think so…" She started reading through the report. She commented periodically, without looking up. "You tackled an assassin? Are you insane?" "Gruesome… But necessary." "These naga are rather widespread… Reminds me that I still need to deal with them here." "That poor filly…" "Not the smartest thing you've done, telling Emerald Script that…" "How romantic…" "_One week to read!?_" She looked up at that. "Are you sure, Navarone?"

I was watching Taya and Twilight talk. I flinched when Celestia said my name. "What? Oh, yes, she went through those primers between Alexandria and San Sebastian. So it was about a week and a half, actually. Why?"

"How long does it take human children to learn to read?"

"I don't know, I never thought about it. Why, did she learn fast or something?"

"It takes most fillies several months to learn to read. More, if they're recalcitrant. To learn that fast is… incredible."

"Well, we also have no idea how old she is. She may have already been taught and just forgot it from her time on the streets."

"Maybe… I wonder how quickly she could learn magic."

"I was meaning to talk to you about that, and some other things," I said. "First, I have all the bits leftover from my trip. I wouldn't want you to think I was trying to steal from the Treasury…" I stopped at the amused expression on her face.

"Do you really think Luna and I don't talk?" she asked. I sighed. "Keep the money. You might need it."

"For what? If Taya is going to stay at your orphanage, I have no need for this much money. And I can't teach her magic, Celestia. The schools here can."

"You're right. _You _can't teach her magic," said with a significant look at Twilight.

The blood drained from my face.

She continued, "We'll let Taya decide, of course. And Twilight will have to agree to it before anything happens. But I think she's ready to take on a student."

"You… you can't… Why?"

"Because you'd make a good parent, despite what you seem to think, and it'll do all three of you good. Twilight will lose some of her rashness teaching a student like Taya. You'll lose some of your violent edge, having to take care of somepony. And Taya will get a family of sorts, and plenty of friends to go along with it."

"One way or another, though, she'll still be damaged. Psychologically, I mean. You can't just erase years of abuse with… whatever substitute of love I have to offer."

"There aren't any psychologists in Equestria, Nav. Why would there be? Luna was right: Being with somepony who was there with her will be the best therapy for her. There are hardly any ponies in Equestria that would even be capable of understanding what she's been through. You want a normal life for her, and that's admirable, but after what she's been through, normal isn't a word that will likely ever apply to her. _You _have more of a chance fitting into a crowd than she will."

"I know. It's just… I can't imagine myself as a parent."

"Then don't imagine yourself as a parent. She knows you aren't, you know you aren't. You're her guardian, in more ways than one. Just take care of her."

"I can… try. If nothing else, I can't fuck her up worse than she already is."

"Not quite how I would have put it, but if thinking that makes you feel better…" She smiled lightly and went back to reading. She finished with a frown. "We'll talk about some of this later, Navarone," she promised me.

Twilight and Taya came over to us then and Celestia's smile returned. Twilight said, "She'll do fine, Princess." Taya gave one of the biggest smiles I've seen on her face.

"Wonderful! Taya, would you like to learn magic?"

"Yes, Princess."

"Do you want Twilight to be your teacher?"

"I… I would like to stay with Navarone."

Twilight and Celestia both smiled at that. "I think you know where Navarone lives, Taya."

"He travels," Taya said.

"But I usually live with Twilight," I said. "If you stay with me, Twilight can teach you, and she can take care of you when I'm on a dangerous job."

"Then… yes," Taya said. I nodded, Twilight smiled, Celestia looked down at her with what should have been pity but what was instead happiness.

"Twilight, would you like to show your new student around the palace for a bit? I have some more things to talk with Navarone about."

"Yes, Princess. Taya, do you want to go exploring?"

Taya looked to me, and I nodded and waved her to the door. They went out.

"I think she might be developing dependency issues," I said, watching the door. "We're going to have to work on that."

"So what's this about you being able to assassinate either me or Luna whenever you wanted?"

I turned back to her, only to find her standing uncomfortably close to me. I realized again how much larger Celestia is than the other ponies. Most of them come up to my chin. Celestia stood a head over me.

I didn't back up. I looked her dead in the eye. And I'm ashamed to admit how much courage it took to do it. "I proved to Luna last night it was true. I can. But I wouldn't. I don't think there's anyone stupid enough in this world to accept a hit on you."

"And yet you boast that you could do it. Tell me, how do you justify that?"

"It's true. And there was no one around to hear."

"Luna said you denied her wager, without even hearing what it was. I have one for you as well, and you'll hear me out before you deny it. Tonight is the Grand Galloping Gala, as you know. Security in the palace will be at its highest. I will be watched from every angle, by guards and courtiers alike. Any food that will be brought to me will be tasted beforehand. No pony gets to me without being seen by all manner of ponies. If you find any way to assassinate me, with a 100% chance of success—be it from poison, bolt, knife, or anything—take it, using a fake weapon or fake poison. I had a set of non-lethal bolts made for you, based on the bolts you left behind. I'll give you three tries."

"You said this is a wager. What do you get if I lose?"

She smiled at that. "Kat wasn't entirely wrong, you know." I was confused for a second, and then it hit me.

"No deal."

"Nav—"

"Hell no."

"Can I finish?" she begged. I didn't say anything. I was somewhat—no, I was _completely _appalled. She continued in one of the most distraught voices I've heard from her, "I can't ask you to understand what it's like to live as long as I have. I get lonely. Students like Twilight are great. They give me a brief light in this long, lonely life. Actual friends, though… I can count on one of your hands the number of friends I've had over the years. I'd like to think you're one of them, though. And because of that, I want you to understand. I am thousands of years old, but physically I'm only in my late twenties. I'm a mare. You can't know what it's like… I spent hundreds of years as a teenager, going through physical changes… I knew what I was missing out on, because of who I was. None of the ponies, stallions or mares, could understand the pain I was feeling at having to miss out on everything they got. Eternal life is, as you predicted in that conversation we had so long ago, both a curse and a gift. I'm gifted in that I can see my civilization grow and thrive, and I can know I've helped cause that. I can see trends in time, and stop mistakes before they happen again. I can help and save thousands with my experiences and my magic. But I watch everypony I grow to love and cherish waste away. I blink and they're older. I turn my head for a second and they're gone. I can't build any strong relationships with a life like this. All I can do is just take what I can get. And I think I can get you. I can't ask you to love me. I just ask you to give me something I've been missing out on for so long…"

Silence reigned for a while. I… was speechless. Finally, I managed, "Win or lose, I'll give you some peace. It's the least I can do for all you've done for me." I'm going to give a princess pity sex. What has the world come to?

She smiled sadly at me. "Thank you, Navarone. You can't know how much this means to me."

"I take it Luna is not to know of this?"

"Oh, she knows I was planning on making the offer. Her wager and challenge were… similar. I'm surprised she tried to tell it to you in the throne room, with her guards."

"Oh man, is she pissed off at me now? I didn't even listen to her offer!"

"She's not. How could she be? You beat her fair and square before she even laid down the challenge or the wager."

"Good… One thing about your challenge, though: Don't warn the guards or the servants. It's only fair to me, that way."

"If I don't warn the guards, and you attack me in the open, I don't know if I'll be fast enough to stop them from beating you down."

"Don't worry about me."

"Your funeral."

"When does the challenge begin?"

"If I said now, I'd probably lose." I smiled and hefted my crossbow to show her it was cocked. "That's what I thought. The Gala officially begins at six. Any time between six and twelve is fair game."

"Good. Where are the bolts I'm to use?" She nodded to a bookshelf, where I found them in a quiver. Next to them rested a wooden knife and a pouch. I decocked the crossbow and grabbed the new bolts. I took one out to look at it. "What in the… How does this work?" The top of the shaft was wooden, and it had the typical feathers sticking out of it. But near the end that's usually pointy it… stopped existing. Sort of. I couldn't see anything, but I could feel something.

"It's the same as any other bolt, but it's magically made. If it hits somepony, all they'll feel is a twinge, and then the wooden tip is consumed in a flash. It'll get their attention, but it won't hurt."

"Neat. Shame I'm only going to need one of them. Still, you never know." I grabbed the quiver and picked up the pouch. "I assume this pouch is the poison I'm to use?"

"Yes. It'll leave a very definitive taste that only ponies will notice. Magic has some interesting qualities. If you're going to make a plan, you should probably go now. I know I need to get back to the preparations, anyway."

"Go ahead, lass. I'll head back to my room first, then find Twilight and Taya."

"Oh, one more thing. No one else is to know of our… agreement. And I'm not talking about the challenge." With that, she walked out.

How the hell do I keep getting myself into situations like this?

When I got to my room, I dropped the off real bolts and the sword. I buckled on another bunch of throwing knives. I grabbed a cloak to conceal the crossbow, the bolts, and my wings with. I shoved the pouch and the knife in a pocket.

I had a plan. An evil, dastardly plan. But first I needed to find Twilight and Taya.

They weren't hard to find. Twilight was explaining the (very boring) history of some statue or something. I interrupted that lesson. "Twilight and Taya. Let's go exploring a bit more, shall we?"

"We were exploring, Nav. I was just explaining the significance of this statue. It's really very fascinating, you see—"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure. By 'let's go exploring,' I mean let's go exploring in a way that's fun. Taya, lead the way." I waved my arm forward. Taya put a smile on and tenderly walked the way I waved. We followed.

"Twilight, I need you to help me plan a surprise tonight."

"What kind of surprise?"

"Do you still know that invisibility spell?"

At 6 o'clock sharp, Celestia began her welcoming speech.

At 6:00:01, she stopped her speech, and a flare was visible on the side of her head.

At 6:00:05, a disembodied voice said aloud, "You lose, Celestia."

At 6:00:10, panic ensued. It was satisfying.

At 6:15, Celestia stood to address the considerably calmer crowd. A very mortified Twilight and a smug looking human stood flanking her. A group of very pissed guards stood around them.

Celestia restarted her speech, "Welcome to the Grand Galloping Gala. Sorry for the small interruption. I made a bet with my human friend here. He won." I bowed theatrically. "My apologies for causing distress to you all. I was not expecting him to make his move so soon… But no matter." The rest of the speech was the standard fare.

When she finished, she led us both away from the crowd for a second. "I should disqualify you for cheating, Nav."

"You never said I couldn't get help."

"That's why I said I _should _disqualify you. Twilight, what were you thinking?"

"He had his crossbow hidden! He just said he was going to give you a surprise!"

"It was definitely surprising. I was expecting you to hide in the gardens and try to sneak in."

"That was one of my ideas, if Twilight hadn't agreed to help me."

"You're clever, Nav. Way too clever. Go back to the party. I have to deal with ponies."

I nodded and Twilight bowed. Celestia headed over to her traditional greeting spot.

"Navarone, you're terrible," Twilight accused.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. I'm going to go get Taya. You want to come?"

"Yes. I hate this party."

I had left Taya in my room with a few books. I told her I might be a few hours. We set up in that spot an hour before the Gala began, and stood or sat next to the wall for an hour in silence. There were a few close calls of servants and guards getting near us, but it was worth it.

We found Taya exactly where I left her. Before, I had to turn the pages for her, or she had to scrabble against the book with her hooves—I don't know why ponies even use books if most of them can hardly turn the pages—but it seemed Twilight somehow managed to teach her a small amount of magic, as she was struggling very, very hard to turn the pages, her horn glowing weakly.

"Homework already?" I asked. Taya nodded. "The biggest party in the world is going on right now, if you're interested. Music—not the magical kind, though—food, people, gardens, all that jazz. Well, actually, not any jazz, sadly. I wouldn't mind hearing some good jazz… But I digress. We're heading back down to the party, if you want to join us."

"I need to practice," she said.

"Your choice. Just don't turn into as big of a recluse as either of us were at your age."

She nodded, and turned back to her book. I shrugged at Twilight, loaded the quiver up with some real bolts just in case, and dropped the cloak off.

"Nav… There's no reason for that."

I opened my mouth, but Taya actually beat me to the punch: "Always err on the side of caution."

I smiled sheepishly. "In a crowd like this, Twilight, I'll not take any chances. There might be a few people looking to curry favor with Celestia by doing something to the person that beat her in a bet in the most public way possible."

"She wouldn't give any favor to anypony that did that."

"You and I know that."

"Fine. But I think you're being overly paranoid."

"That's what Emerald Script said when I asked to return to the embassy. I found assassins when I got there."

"Fine! Have it your way. And you'll have to tell me that story some time."

Back at the party, we both got swamped by ponies. Some were ponies wanting to know how I did what I did, and some were unicorns wanting to know how Twilight did what she did. I explained the workings of a crossbow dozens of times. Twilight refused to explain the workings of invisibility hundreds of times, often to the same unicorns.

We had a surprising savior in the form of Princess Luna, who broke up the crowd around us with a simple pronouncement: "Twilight, Navarone, let's go for a walk in the garden."

When we got outside, I happily took a deep breath of the summer night air. It was tinged with the tantalizing scents of flowers and light perfume, a wonderful mix I had missed in Egypt.

"That's for the rescue, lass. If I had known how popular we would be, I would have just stayed with Taya."

Luna laughed. "Now you know how I feel at these things. I like having friends, but I don't like having ponies talk to me to try to worm into my good graces."

"Oh yes, that reminds me," I said, digging in my pocket for something. I grabbed it and lightly poked Luna in the neck. "You lose again," I announced, showing her the dagger. Luna sighed.

"Navarone, why do you keep killing the princesses?" Twilight asked.

"When I was in Egypt, I got to talking to a guard. I mentioned how easy it would be for me to assassinate Princess Celestia. Celestia or Luna was eavesdropping when I said it, and I don't think they were pleased. Last night, Luna tried to make a bet with me that involved fake assassinating them, but I refused to hear of it. Today after you left, Celestia forced me to listen."

"And what was the wager?"

"You know, I don't even know what I won. I just know what would have happened if I had lost. Luna?"

She looked at Twilight, and then back to me. "The same thing that would have happened if you lost, but you get more control over it. I don't know how better to explain that, right now…"

"I think I understand," I said, nodding slowly.

"I sure don't," Twilight said. "What's going on? What did you win?"

"Don't worry about it, lass. It's none of your concern."

"You never accepted my wager, or my competition, Navarone. Would you like to change your mind?"

"I assume you have the same reasoning as your sister?"

A long pause. "I do. It's hard, sometimes… You understand."

I sighed. "You're putting me in a bit of an awkward position. But I accept." I poked her in the neck again before she could say anything. "Just in case," I said.

"You won that competition with me last night. You just killed me twice for the fun of it. I didn't think you hated me that much…"

"The fact that I agreed to the contests at all knowing what the wagers were disproves that."

"Are you sure about this, Navarone?" Twilight asked. "I… think I know what you're talking about. And I'm not sure I approve."

"The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm not sure about anything. What's done is done. I've agreed and that's that."

"Your call. I think I'll head on back to check on Taya, see how she's coming along."

We waited for her to get out of earshot. "She's getting wiser," I remarked.

"You've never seen either of our rooms, have you?" Luna asked.

(Sex is coming up. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

Luna and I kept up a small conversation as she led me back into the palace via a small servant's entrance. I could hear a bit of tension in her voice, and she was struggling to keep coming up with small things to talk about. I suppose she was doing it in case we were seen and overheard. Me, I was only feeling a small bit of nerves. _I'm about to defile a princess. Fun._

We walked through the palace, ghosting through empty halls and silent rooms, half-hearing broken conversations from the Gala. Luna's quarters were rather far from the garden. Why we didn't fly was beyond me, but whatever.

We finally got to the hallway that leads up to her rooms. She froze as soon as they came in sight. "The guards!" she hissed, remembering them suddenly. She led me back a ways from the hall. "Keep your hand on my flank and don't make a sound," she whispered. I reached a hand out and tenderly touched her side. I assumed I was invisible.

My guess was proven accurate as she led me back up the hall right to her room. The guards saw her approach and somehow managed to stand even straighter.

"Get tired of the party already, Princess?" one of them asked.

"Nothing I haven't seen already," she answered, slowing down. "Just another chance for Celestia to show off. The only high point was when she got shot by the human."

The guards' mouths dropped.

Luna sniggered. "It was her own fault. She decided to challenge him as I did, and lost even more embarrassingly. That's what we got for underestimating him, I suppose."

"Don't worry about that human, Princess. He'll never get past us!" The other guard nodded an affirmation.

Luna smiled. "I know how to take care of him. You don't need to worry about me," she said. She flung her door open with magic. "Now, I don't want to be disturbed for anything other than the end of the world or the return of Discord. Though one might lead to the other…" The guards saluted and we entered Luna's quarters. The door quietly shut behind us.

It felt like entering an entirely different world. It was around twenty degrees colder and everything was black or dark blue. I took my hand off her back and looked around. I only saw a few spots of color: My old red lighter and a wreath of flowers, both on tables near the back of the anteroom we were in.

"Look around a bit, Nav," she said. "I need to go do something real quick." She headed off with purpose to another room.

There wasn't really much to look around _at_. This room was about as bare as mine. A few tables and book cases, a single chair and a few couches—ponies lounge on them, bugger all if I know why they have chairs. I ran a hand over one of the couches to try to tell what it was made of. _Black velvet._ I guess if you can afford it… I shook my head as I gently set my crossbow down on the couch. My quiver followed it.

I approached the old lighter. I picked it up and casually flicked it open and tried striking it. To my vast surprise, it actually caught. _Maybe she found some way to fill it._ I smiled when I thought about what I had told Celestia to tell Luna when I offered it to her._ I guess she found a way to kindle the passion._ I flicked it shut and set it down. I moved to the flowers.

_Red roses…_ I picked up the necklace, not thinking. I dropped it about a second later, a thorn having taught me a lesson. _Who would give a necklace of thorned roses?_ Then it hit me. Someone—some pony, rather—that wasn't entirely pleased at the thought of eternal darkness. Revenge and forgiveness, all in one. It's a wonder Luna kept it. Probably preserved with magic.

I idly sucked at my finger while I looked over the books on the cases. A few titles I hadn't seen, a few Twilight would probably be interested in. It was fairly dark in her room, so I didn't think I would be able to actually read any of them even if I was given much time.

She didn't have any knick knacks or pictures on the walls.

Still looking at the books, I called out, "So what exactly did you mean when you said I'd get a bit more control?" I thought I knew, but I wasn't sure.

I heard something near the room she had entered, but she didn't say anything. I turned around and my breath caught in my throat.

The second most beautiful woman—human woman—I have ever seen was looking back at me. She was wearing a black sun dress that did nothing at all to hide any part of her body. A long, dark horn stuck out of her forehead, jutting off. Her dark wings were folded casually against her in a manner than I knew I could never mimic. Her hair was still gently flowing, which was awesome. The first word that came to my mind, aside from a few things I won't repeat, was _delicate_. She looked like she would break if I so much as brushed her with a finger.

And she was very nervous. She kept trying to meet my eyes, and every time she looked down after a few seconds. I finally tried breaking the silence. "Luna?" I whispered. She nodded, still trying to meet my gaze. I weakly pushed my way to her, fearing she would disappear if I moved too fast. I stopped when I was a foot away, and noticed that she was a wee bit taller than I.

_I can't believe I'm really about to do this…_ I know it seems cheesy as fuck, but I actually cupped her chin in my hand and pushed her gaze up to meet mine. "You are beautiful," I said. Then I remembered I was bleeding, and jerked my hand away, murmuring a quick apology. It seemed a sin, to mar the moment, but I didn't want to risk her being afraid of blood.

I dropped my eyes and rubbed at my hand. She reached out and took it in hers. When she saw the bleeding, she sent a glare at the garland of roses. Her horn sent out a small light and the bleeding stopped. I ran my other hand over my face, to find that the scars from the assassin were also gone.

We met each other's eyes. She started speaking. "After a long talk, Celestia and I both decided that you would be a lot more comfortable like this. We both know how much you hate being a pony… And after a few other considerations, we decided it might be best for all involved if we let you have a bit of control. Of course, we couldn't just come out and _say _that; much more fun to think you earned it. Or so she thought. I think I know you a bit better than that." She was right.

"A few other considerations?" I asked, somewhat fearing the answer.

She blushed, confirming my guess, but she said it aloud anyway: "Well, we were watching the whole time you were in Egypt. We saw some of your… interactions… with Kat. The way those cats moan!" She shuddered slightly, possibly in anticipation. "It wasn't just for you that we decided this. We also saw you with that unicorn when you were in jail here. Or at least, Celestia saw you." _That bitch! They did make that cell cold on purpose! _"Mind, there's a limit to the control we're giving you. For example, if you don't lead me into that bedroom right this minute, I'm going to drag you in there and rip off all your clothes and make you take me on the floor."

"As you command, my princess," I answered with a small smile. I considered surprising her by carrying her to the bed, but since she wasn't supposed to be in love with me anymore I didn't see any reason for fake romanticism. I would do my best to make it memorable, but I didn't care to do _too _much and risk her thinking I actually did have feelings for her.

As I gently pulled her into the room, I had one of my common errant thoughts: _I'm about to have pity sex with a princess. Where did I go so right in life?_

"Now, a bit of a disclaimer: This might hurt if it has been a while since you last got laid," I warned her.

She blushed slightly and her hands fidgeted with her dress. "I've never… been… with anypony. My station… it doesn't allow for such… dalliances."

_I'm taking the virginity of a princess in pity sex. Wow. Just… wow._

"I'll try to be gentle," I warned her. "But I've never been with a virgin. Just tell me if I'm doing something painful." As old as she is, there's a pretty good chance her hymen was already torn at some point, so blood shouldn't be a problem. If… if ponies even have hymens. I sure as hell didn't know. And since she's a human now…

I looked at her and saw how nervous she was. _Too much thinking, not enough sexing._

I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her. She was surprised at first for some reason, but recovered quickly enough. After a moment, I felt her wings and arms stretch around me and hold me. She eventually opened her mouth a little, allowing my questing tongue to snake in. She moaned lightly at that and tightened her grip on me. This was the first time in a long time I had been in the dominant position when making out with a chick and I really didn't want to cut it short, but…

I pushed her away. "You didn't go through all this effort to just make out," I said with a raised eyebrow.

She was blushing furiously, looking at me with a surprised look. "I've never even _heard _of two ponies doing that!" she gasped. I gave her a smile and she blinked and turned her gaze down. "I-if you're… ready…" she whispered.

"I'm doing this for you, Luna. I'm here to make _you _feel good." _Great, and now I made myself sound like a man whore._ She didn't seem to mind my wording, though, and haltingly moved to the bed. Before she could lay down, though, I said, "I think you're forgetting something, Luna." She turned back to me and blinked. "Please, allow me…"

I pulled her back to me and wrapped my arms around her again. She smiled and moved her head in again, thinking I was just going to kiss her. I lowered my hands down to her thighs and pulled her in closer. She gasped, looking at me in more surprise. I just smiled and raised my hands a little, bringing her dress with them. They stopped where her legs met her body and I leaned in and kissed her again, distracting her from what my hands were doing. I gently reached between her legs with one of them and found what I was feeling for.

With a gentle twitch of her clit I had her moaning into my mouth. I continued lifting her dress with one hand while the other played with her a bit more.

Then I hit a bit of a snag. _How the fuck am I going to get this over her wings?_ I pulled away from the kiss and she looked at me expectantly. "Er… How do I get this dress over your wings?" That was kind of a mood killer, I know, but…

She looked at me blankly. "Navarone, I don't care about this dress."

I guess she likes bodice rippers. I smiled darkly and ripped the back, pulling it off her.

Remember before when I said the dress did nothing to hide her body? Well, that statement was a bit premature. "Wow," is all I said. It's all I really could say. She blushed, and I figured it was enough.

"Your turn," she whispered.

"Well, I actually _need _these clothes, so…" I began stripping down. She watched me with what I assume was hunger in her eyes. When I was naked in front of her, she looked me up and down with a smile. "Sorry to disappoint," I said with a shrug.

"Oh, I don't think you will," she answered, her eyes finally moving down to what she wanted. Her smile deepened as she reached out and pulled me close. "Now, I think it's time we got started. I need you," she whispered.

_Need_? I gently picked her up and held her in my arms like a hero. _Or a newlywed…_ I kissed her again as I walked to the bed. _I told myself I wasn't going to do this._ I sent her down on the bed. Her smile was so wide… I couldn't help but give it an answering smile.

I wish I knew how her wings were folded like that… _Shut up, brain. You're almost done thinking for the night._ "I'm not a gentleman, but I know better than to just jump into the main event," I told her, stroking her closed wings slightly. She shivered at my touch. I withdrew from her slightly and got on my knees at the end of her bed. I inched my way toward her and gently grabbed her waist.

She looked at me, confused. "Nav, what are you doing?"

"Making you feel good," I answered, moving my head down between her slightly open legs. I took a gentle lick at her jewel and was answered with an intake of breath. _Nice and sweet, just the way I like 'em._ I pulled her closer to me and began my efforts in earnest. Using what Kat forced me to learn, I had her moaning in less than a minute. I felt her hands at the top of my head, pushing me in. She was grinding on my face, trying to increase the sensations I knew she had to be feeling.

She reached her climax with a squeal and her sweet juices gently leaked into my open mouth. The hands pushing my head went limp and her legs sagged down to the bed. I pushed myself up, smiling. "Well now. Are you ready to begin?" She weakly moaned. "I'll take that as a yes. Now, we have a bit of a choice in front of us." Her eyes moved to my face. "We can rut like ponies or we can make love like humans. The first option will give us both more pleasure, but many believe the second to be more intimate. I leave the choice up to you."

She used magic to pull me down on top of her. She whispered, "I want _you_, Navarone. Take me like a human."

I was _not _expecting what she said. _She still loves me… Oh God, this was a mistake!_ I looked into her eyes. _She wouldn't let me get out the door if I tried, I don't think. And… she's beautiful._ I'm an idiot.

"You better not get pregnant," I warned.

"I'm not in heat," she answered.

"Humans don't have heat. Our women can get pregnant at any time." Sort of.

Her eyes widened. After a moment, her horn glowed for a second and a light seemed to pulse through her body, settling down. "I never expected to put _that _spell to use," she mused. I shut her up with another kiss, aligning my body on top of her. This was my first attempt at missionary, and it felt… odd, to be in charge and on top during this—too many rapes, I suppose. I gently prodded the entrance of her intimate spot and slowly began pushing in.

She gasped and pulled away from the kiss. I kept pushing in slowly. She was nice and tight. About as tight as Kat, despite the size difference. Of course, she also wasn't squeezing me like Kat could, but I wasn't complaining.

"If it starts hurting, you let me know," I told her. She didn't say anything, but she bit her lower lip gently and shut her eyes. "I don't want to hurt you, Luna." She gasped a bit as I kept pushing in. I pulled one of my hands away from her side and reached down to gently tweak her clit. It put me in an awkward position, but she loved it, letting off her first moan since I removed my tongue from her.

When I reached as far inside of her as I could, I stopped, letting her slowly adjust to me. She was gasping slightly, still coming down a bit from her climax and yet currently in pain. Virginity sucks like that. "I wish I had known you were a virgin before this," I said while she was adjusting slightly. "You probably won't get much of anything from this but pain until the second or third time."

"Then… hurry up… and get on with it," she whimpered. "I can… restore your… vitality."

"In that case… You want to take this like a band-aid and get it over with quickly? It'll hurt, I can promise you that."

"I am not… unused to… pain."

"I'm so sorry for this," I whispered. I eased out and thrust back in, ignoring her groans. As I said, virginity sucks. And I was able to last a while, with the curse Kat gave me.

Long story short—because I don't like describing the pain of someone I do admire, even if not in the way she wants me to—I broke her in.

I held her in my arms. "I know it hurt, Luna. It shouldn't be nearly as bad the next time, whenever you find someone worth your time."

She gave a shuddering sigh. "I… I wasn't expecting… this," she answered.

"Uneducated virgins never do," I answered. "I could explain it, but that wouldn't make you feel any better. At least you tore your hymen some time ago, or there would have been blood." She flinched slightly. "I honestly figured you could use your magic to deaden the pain."

She gasped and her horn glowed. After a moment, it died down. "Nothing," she said. "It still aches…"

"If you don't mind, I think I'll stay here until you stop hurting, at the very least. Or you could try turning yourself back to see if that helps."

With a soft sigh and a glow of her horn, she swiftly changed back to her equine shape. I shuddered a bit as the beautiful woman in my arms became a horse again. "Much better," she announced with the first smile she had in a while.

"If you're not hurting anymore, I really should go to bed," I said. "I've been doing a lot of traveling and not a lot of sleeping lately, and it's starting to get to me."

She gave me a very sad look, and I couldn't help but wonder when a princess got to practice puppy dog eyes. "Wouldn't you rather stay here with me?"

"I'm tired. This bed is nice, but I fear Taya's reaction if she wakes up alone tomorrow." Thank you for bailing me out of this one, Taya.

She sighed. "I suppose if you must, you can go," she said sadly. "But someday soon we'll have to get together again. This has… promise." I didn't much care for the sound of that.

(Sex is over)

I don't know what time it was when I got back to my room. Taya and Twilight were asleep in the bed. It was larger than the ones we were used to, but not large enough to fit a pony, a filly, and a human. I grabbed a pillow from the closet and used my cloak as a blanket. Despite thinking I'd never get to sleep, I was out rather quickly, due to days of traveling and waking up early.

This time, I got to sleep in for quite a while. I was finally woken up by Twilight, who "Got tired of waiting for your lazy butt to wake up."

"I want some bloody pancakes," I groaned.

"Then go to the kitchens and get some. I'm not about to go do it for you," Twilight told me.

"You're so ungrateful," I accused.

"Me? Ungrateful? You involved me in a plot to assassinate Celestia! And then Luna!"

"That's neither here nor there," I said, getting up. "And it's not getting me any closer to pancakes. I'm going to the bloody galley. You want to come, Taya?"

She got off the bed, where she was reading, and walked over to the door.

"What, you're not going to ask me?" Twilight said.

"You're a big girl now. I don't think you need me to hold your horn. Shall we, Taya?"

We went, Twilight following and muttering a few unpleasantries.

The kitchens were pretty easy to get to, and it wasn't so late that they weren't willing to make breakfast for us. Taya and I got pancakes, despite Taya not knowing what they were. Twilight got a waffle just to be difficult.

Around noon, I was summoned to meet Celestia. Twilight and Taya stayed behind to work on some more magic.

I brought only a belt of throwing knives this time, and I made sure they weren't overly visible.

"Your stunt last night was humorous, Nav, but it was hardly wise."

"No assassin that attacks you will have the benefit of a unicorn helping him."

"That isn't the only thing I meant. Disappearing into the night with Luna was also ill-advised. It might raise a few questions."

"Questions will always be asked, no matter what the circumstances. As long as Twilight was careful in how she returned to my room, we can easily brush the questions off with nothing happening."

"Fair enough. As to that other matter. The matter of your winnings…"

(Sex is coming up. If you don't want it, just skip to the next chapter)

"You know," Celestia said with a coy little smile, "I never did tell you what you won."

"I'm listening," I answered with a smile of my own.

With a flash of her horn we teleported to her room. I had actually been here once, when that whole mess with Luna went down, but I didn't really pay much attention to the décor at the time.

Oh man, I spend way too much time around Rarity…

"You see, Luna and I are opposite in several ways…" she said.

"Oh God, don't tell me you have a penis!" I have absolutely no idea where that thought came from and I just blurted it out without even thinking.

She gave me a look of total shock before bursting out laughing. "No, Navarone. I most definitely do not," she finally managed to say. I was more than a little embarrassed. "What I meant," she continued, "is that our bets worked a little differently. Or rather, our wagers did. You see, you were supposed to lose mine and win hers."

"So… what exactly did I win?" I asked hesitantly.

She smiled darkly. "You're about to find out why you should ask questions like that _before _you take bets." Her horn glowed again and my clothes fell off of their own accord, leaving me naked but for a belt of knives that was hidden under my clothing. "Oh, you think you can defend yourself against _me_?" she cooed, using magic to send the belt away with ease. "As I said, I am the opposite of my sister," she said in a sultry voice, walking closer to me. I wasn't really feeling that comfortable with this situation, and I started backing away until her horn glowed again and I froze. "When you won her challenge, you won control. When you won my challenge… Well, you _lost _control." She was right in front of me now and looking down into my eyes with a gaze that I could only define as creepy.

You know how her hair normally moves on its own? Well, now it was moving on its own down, touching the tip of my dick and gently stroking it. _Oh God, that's so soft…_

"Now come along, my little human," she said in that same tone. "You're going to give me a very good time…" She used her magic to pull me into her bed chamber. She backed into it, her hair molesting me the entire way.

"That's… kind of what I wa—Ooh—expecting to do anyway. Can you… can you stop that?"

Her smile somehow deepened. "You lost your control of this, remember?" Her hair continued toying with me. I was now fully erect, not like it really did her much good. She finally backed into her bed and stopped. "First things first: I do believe I need a massage. And I bet those fingers of yours are just perfect for it…" Her hair finally stopped, leaving me gasping slightly. She winked at me and jumped on the bed.

_I had her pegged right when I called her Trolestia. Or maybe now she's Molestia._ Her magic released me, dropping me lightly to the floor. She was lying on her stomach, head turned and eyes half-lidded, giving me bedroom eyes with those beautiful pink irises. _I'm going to go to hell for desecrating the pony goddesses. Fun._

I climbed on the bed and straddled her back. "I have almost no experience in this," I warned. "So if I fuck up and break your back I'm going to preemptively blame Spike."

"Why Spike?"

"Because he seems like a good fall-guy," I answered, moving my hands up to the base of her neck. "You do seem a bit tense, though. Maybe you should take a vacation." I began applying pressure and she slowly began to loosen up. As I said, I had no real idea how to go about doing this, but I really don't think I could screw up _that _badly.

From the way her body was reacting, I was thinking that I was doing something very right, actually. I could feel her shifting against my loins, her soft fur gently rubbing against me in ways that would make me call for an adult if I wasn't currently with the oldest living pony on the planet. Not like I wasn't enjoying it anyway. The lower I moved, the more she started to shift and the more pleasure we both felt.

"Is that a banana on my back or are you enjoying this as much as I am?" she asked.

"Fur is no longer as creepy as I thought when it comes to sex. And you're moving just right…"

"And those hands are just as fun as I thought they would be," she answered with a sigh.

I just continued my way down. I bypassed her wings since I knew that would make her jump right to the main festivities. She didn't seem to mind. I was now sitting on her flank, rubbing her lower back.

I felt her tail rise up and prod lightly at my back as I continued my work. A moment later I felt it slithering around my waist. I thought it was going to stop at my manhood and deliver some nice feelings, but it continued around my waist. I never realized how long her tail was until it had me trussed up with still enough room to toy with me.

She began to run the tip of her tail up and down my shaft, teasing me with hair-light touches as I continued—or tried to continue—massaging her. I wasn't able to pay much attention to what I was doing with her tail brushing against me like that.

"Oh, giving up already?" she mocked. "Well, I know what to do to bad stallions that don't do as they're told."

I was starting to pant a bit. "Does it i-i-involve getting on with it?"

"Nope." Her tail somehow pulled me back and dropped my on the bed. _How is this thing so strong?_ It continued teasing me the whole time. Celestia turned her head to look at me. "What makes you think naughty stallions deserve any release?"

"I could… think of… a few reasons," I forced out, trying to ignore what she was doing. _God, I can imagine her doing this to some poor bastard in public._

She lifted one of her wings and looked it over. "I'm sure you probably could. Why don't you try to articulate them for me?"

I opened my mouth to say something when her wing shot out and took the place of her tail next to my dick. She started running the tips of her feathers up and down me, turning what I was going to say into a garbled moan.

"Oh? That's your argument? I think I'll just continue playing with you, then." Her wing gently caressed me, featherweight touches causing me to shudder in pleasure. I sighed as she continued toying with me. "Getting tired of it? Well then, I guess I'll just have to try harder." Her tail released me and she turned to face me fully. Both of her wings extended to me. The tips of one gently circled my head while the other slowly traced my shaft.

I threw my hands to the side and gripped the bed as hard as I could, trying to fight the feelings inside my manhood. My eyes squeezed shut as she continued. Just as I was about to cum, her wings withdrew.

I opened my eyes in disbelief, just in time to see her mouth wrap around me and feel her tongue flick out to caress my tip. That was enough to get me to release my seed into her awaiting throat. She moaned a bit at the taste as her tongue wrapped around my shaft, milking me for all I was worth. I finally relaxed when I felt her mouth release me.

She pulled her head up, smiling. "I don't remember saying you could cum."

"Then maybe you shouldn't be so good at this."

"I don't hear you complaining."

"It's nice, being the focus of attention in one of my intimate sessions. Usually I'm being raped and have to focus on making the other person feel good."

"I never said we were _done_, Nav! We're just getting started…" With that, her horn glowed. I felt energy pumping into me, removing all the sleep deprivation I had and making me stand at attention. "Now that's what I like to see! Just one more thing…" Her horn lit up like the sun and I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block the light out with my hands. A moment later the light was gone. I opened my eyes, blinking them to try to see again. In front of me kneeled a very tall woman. Without seeing her stand, I'd have to guess she was around six feet tall. "You said my sister was beautiful. What do you think of me?"

"I'll let you know when I can see without spots in my eyes."

"That's just my beauty radiating away, blinding you."

"You should try modesty." I was finally able to actually see enough to determine physical features. "Let's see…" Breasts the size of melons, a wonderful hourglass figure, and a face you wouldn't really write home about. The sun princess of ponies was a butterface. I made a point of looking her up and down. "Eh, you'll do."

She punched me in the arm. "Tell the truth."

"Most people would consider your body sexy. Your face, not so much."

"Most people? What would _you _consider it?"

I reached my hands out and grabbed her melons. My hands couldn't wrap all the way around. I felt her nipples start poking me. "I consider this excessive. You could kill someone with these, if you weren't careful." I let them drop and reached around her, grabbing her bottom. "Nice and squishy," I said, pulling her against me. "I'm not complaining, of course. I know you did this to make me more comfortable. Even if you are a giant."

"Well that's good to hear. There wasn't anything you could have said to stop me from ravishing you anyway, but now I guess I'll have to work harder to make up for my looks."

"Oh come now, it's not like you're ugly. And with this body, you could easily catch eyes anyway. I just happen to like a different figure."

She pouted. "You mean like Luna's."

"Yeah. Twilight's was also nice."

"Oh. You're just saying that I'm old!"

"It's like you're looking to be insulted. How about I just show you that I'm okay with your body?"

Her pout disappeared and a scary smile appeared. "I think you'll remember that _I _am in charge here." Worth a shot. "Now then… This human shape is relatively new to me, but something you did with your cat friend interested me." Her horn lit up and her bed changed consistency. I looked down and saw we were on a cloud. Thankfully, we were still in her room. It was okay to do something like that in Catro when there are no other fliers, but in Canterlot? That would end poorly.

I was a bit lost in thought when she pushed me onto my back. I fell, the cloud fitting nicely around my back. Celestia gave an evil smirk as her horn glowed. I felt something attach to my wing joints and tighten, pulling them back and holding me steady onto the cloud. I tried to pull up, only to find that I couldn't move at all. So my wings were tied and held and I was stuck. Her horn glowed again and my hands shot off to the sides and were similarly tied.

"Uh… I'm not so sure about this, Celestia."

"Well, I'm sure about you not having a choice one way or another. Now, let's see…" She pulled herself off my lap and walked around the cloud a few times, looking me up and down. "Yes, this will be quite fun," she finally said. "I know that tongue of yours is skilled, but sadly I don't have all day to enjoy this. So…" She swung a leg over my lower body and straddled my thighs, leaving my member resting right up against her. "This human body is a bit weird, but I'm willing to bet it works quite the same as mine, at least in one regard." Her horn lit up again and something came flying to her from across the room.

She took it in her hands and popped the little bottle open. She grinned as she poured a little in her hands and began applying it to me. "Lube?" I asked. "You aren't wet just from looking at me?"

She looked up from her work with a dark smile. "Who said anything about that hole being wet?" Oh. OH! Holy shit.

"I'll admit to not knowing much about anal play, but shouldn't you stretch a bit first?"

"And here I thought you paid attention to your pretty princess," she said. She leaned up a bit and reached around behind her. She pulled a small plug out. She must have seen the 'what the fuck' look on my face. "It's amazing what tails will hide, when you control them with magic," she sighed, throwing the toy aside. "I've been waiting for this for a while."

She pushed herself up and slowly positioned herself over me. She looked in my eyes as she slowly let herself down. When my head popped in, she bit her lower lip and continued lowering herself, still watching my eyes. I don't know why, since I'm pretty sure I was fair—holy shit!

She started squeezing down on me as she lowered, her muscles milking me. I felt my eyes roll up and close and my hands balled into fists. _Good God this is not fair! This isn't fair at all!_ She finally hit the base and stopped moving, just letting herself adjust and continue squeezing. "Look at me," she commanded.

I forced my eyes open. Her faced was lightly blushed and she seemed to still be smiling. She said, "Now do you see what comes from letting me have my way?"

"A fun surprise," I gasped out.

She didn't answer with words. Instead, she started lifting herself off me. She got to where just my head was inside before letting herself fall again, still squeezing me just right. "Look lower," she ordered. My eyes fell down to her snatch and I saw that she had one hand rubbing it while the other held her steady against my stomach. "These human hands are quite nice," she idly commented. I don't know how she was so calm about this.

When she hilted this time, she started picking up speed, riding my manhood and putting me in bliss. Since there was nothing I could do for her, I just let my head fall back and allowed the waves of bliss to overtake me. I saw her breasts jiggling as she bounced up and down on me and couldn't help but giggle a bit. _Why did I think those were excessive?_ I wanted to reach a hand up to fondle them, but I was a little bit tied up.

"Oh, see something you like?" she slyly asked.

"Just rebuking myself, is all. Your body is quite nice, now that I see it properly in motion."

"I'll remember that. Now, the only noises you're allowed to make are moans." She won't get too many of those from me, but I think I like what she'll do to try.

When I started getting used to her riding me, she started grinding me, still squeezing with her disturbingly strong muscles. She never stopped rubbing herself, either. We were both panting when she started pumping me again, bouncing up and down as we both fought from cumming.

Surprisingly, she actually climaxed first. With a scream she put both hands on my stomach to stabilize herself, squeezing her breasts in a manner I found most delightful. I think I enjoyed the spasms her muscles were making even more, squeezing me randomly and finally pushing me over the edge. I coated her intestines in my warm juices as she leaked hers over my stomach. She finally hilted herself one last time as we both rode our orgasms, mine short and hers lasting nearly a minute. She was panting as she pulled herself off me. She made sure I was looking when she replaced her plug.

"I wouldn't want to waste a drop," she said with a smug little grin. "Now, how should we get cleaned off?" She didn't wait for an answer. Her horn glowed and I sunk into the cloud. I fell all the way through and it lifted off me. When it was gone, the mess she made on me went with it. The ropes also disappeared and I found myself lying on her regular bed. I sat up from the uncomfortable position—fucking wings—and turned to her.

"That was fun."

"Yes, it was. I would like to go a few more times, but sadly, duty calls. We went a bit over schedule, but you won't hear me complain." Her horn lit up bright again and she turned back into a pony. "If you ever find yourself needing time to… relax… by all means, let me know."

"I'll have to keep that in mind, as long as Luna doesn't get wind of it. Wouldn't want to make her jealous."

"I think the same offer goes for her. But I know I prefer having you here than having you with her."

"Experience is refreshing, yes. But being able to teach the other what you like is also fun. I guess I can juggle two princess sisters."

"Brave words. We'll see how that turns out, then. But now, I really do need to go. Feel free to show yourself out when you catch your breath." With that, she teleported away. I just shook my head as I started trying to find all my clothes.


	30. Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Eight—Introductions

Some time later, I returned to my quarters, where Taya and Twilight were still working on some magic something or another. I walked in, nodded my greetings, and sat back to watch. Not a minute later I got bored and decided to practice juggling again. I was getting better, but when you were completely unable to do something before, better doesn't exactly mean much.

A few minutes later, Twilight came over to me. "So when can we go home?" she asked.

"Whenever, as far as I know. If you can scrounge up transportation, we can go now."

"Can you carry Taya in the air?"

"I've done it before. But we have some more junk now. You might have to carry some of it. Can those flimsy wings you make support extra weight?"

"One way to find out." She turned to her student. "Taya, you want to see some real magic at work?" With no further warning, she cast the hard spell to give herself wings.

"It's a lot easier to travel when you can fly, that's for damn sure." I started grabbing clothes and stuffing them in my bag.

"Navarone, that's no way to keep your clothes neat. They'll wrinkle!"

"Chicks care about that. I don't." Clothes bagged, I started strapping on weapons.

"Why do you even _have _a sword?" Twilight asked. "Surely you didn't have time to learn how to use it."

"Because if people see me carrying a sword, they'll expect me to be able to use it. That means they won't be expecting a bolt to the face. But no, I have no idea how to use a falchion."

"And the knives?"

"I like to be able to slice cheese on the go."

"It's true," Taya confirmed. "I saw him using one of them to cut food on the train."

"Are those the same knives you use to… deal with your other problems?"

"I don't know, I haven't really paid attention. Probably not. Despite my reputation, I haven't killed that many people."

"That you've killed any is a shame… But a necessary shame, I fear," Twilight said.

"Enough of that talk. I'm ready."

"Can you carry all of that by yourself, and Taya as well?"

"I could, but I don't want to have to. You can carry my clothing bag, if you like. What about you, didn't you bring any baggage?"

"Just my dress. It's hanging in your closet."

"If you want to fold it up, it'll probably fit in my bag. Or I can just stuff it in there for you."

She rolled her eyes and folded it up with magic, and neatly laid it on top of everything in my bag.

"You just have to be difficult, don't you?" I asked.

"I learned from the best. Strap this to my back so we can go." I did.

We headed to the main entrance of the palace, where servants were busy undecorating everything. I was rather impressed by their purpose and order. It reminded me of ants, in a way.

I figured if Princess Celestia didn't want us to leave, she'd have sent some manner of instructions to the servants or guards. We weren't stopped, so we just kept going, and didn't stop until we got back to Twilight's tree house.

"Navarone's description of your home was a bit…lacking," Taya said.

"I told you that she lived in a tree," I said. "A tree full of books. Biggest joke in the world, in a way."

"I figured you meant under the tree…"

When we opened the door, it was very dark inside. All the blinds were closed. I stopped. Twilight looked at me, and tried to take a step forward, but I stopped her with my arm.

"Taya, do you like surprises?" I asked.

Quietly, "No…"

"Me either," I muttered. Louder, I said, "Pinkie Pie, you might scare the poor lass. Come on out."

"Aww, you ruin _everything_, Nav!" Pinkie Pie accused, bounding out of the darkness. "How did you even know we were there?"

Lights were starting to come in the tree. I saw all of Twilight's cadre there, including the trio of terror. "It's not so much of a surprise party if it happens every time I get back from a long trip." We stepped inside. Taya slowly followed us. "Everyone, this is Taya. She'll be staying with us for a while. Taya, this is everyone. Think you can name them?"

She started with Pinkie Pie and made it all the way to Spike with no problems. They didn't seem that impressed, but I was, in a way. She was talking to—or maybe talking at—a group of people she didn't personally know. Maybe it's just because she knew I knew them, or maybe she was getting a bit better.

"I assume Celestia sent a message telling you we were inbound?"

Spike said, "Yeah. I was helping Rarity with a dress when… Well, it's just ashes, now."

"Absolutely ruined!" Rarity moaned. "I should make you pay for the materials, Nav!"

"What makes you think it's _my _fault? Twilight is the one that wanted to come home so soon."

"Sure. A likely excuse," Rarity accused. "But I don't see her defending you."

Twilight was busy introducing Taya to everyone properly, actually, so I was forced to defend myself. "If it means so much to you, I might have a bit or two on me that could cover the costs…" I said, feeling around.

I started dumping pouches. _All _of my pouches.

Coins dropped and spun and rolled everywhere. Everyone's mouth dropped except for Taya's.

"What?" I asked, faking ignorance. "How much does a dress cost?"

Somewhat faintly, Rarity said, "I think that's a bit more than enough…"

"Where did you get all that?" Applejack asked somewhat breathlessly.

"Sometimes being a royal errand boy pays," I answered. "Not very well, though. Back on my world, this would be enough to pay rent and maybe groceries for a month. Glad Celestia still covers that for us."

I don't know if the ponies thought I was serious. It took Spike to say it, though, laughing as he did: "Navarone, you're set for life. Several lives. A small dragon might be happy to hoard that much." I could give a few guesses as to which small dragon he had in mind.

"Several lives? I hardly need that much. Applejack, you still need to fix up your barn?"

She looked up from the pile of coins. "I can't take money from you, Nav! That ain't right, you earned this."

"You heard Spike. I sure as hell don't need all this. There's a saying back in my world, not a very popular one, but more money, more problems. Besides, I'm sure Celestia will find some way to make me work for more."

"It don't feel right… But Granny does need a new hip."

"Anyone else have any need for money? I sure don't. Books? Rare fabrics? Party supplies? Medical supplies for any furry critters? …Whatever the hell it is you might need money for, Rainbow Dash?"

"Now that you mention it…" Rarity began, but a bunch of semi-glares cut her off. "Nothing urgent, I mean."

I sighed. "Look, ladies, you've all been my lifeline these past few years. I've gotten my food mostly from you, I've gotten any and all my news from you, I've gotten my clothes from you, I've gotten most of my entertainment from you, and hell, the only reason I'm not still sitting in Africa guarding a bloody ambassador is because I had friends to come back to. I have no need of all this bloody money. I'm going to go take Taya for a short walk, show her around the town some. I don't want to see many bits when I get back. Shall we, Taya?" I walked at the door, leaving six ponies, three fillies, and a dragon staring at the floor.

I showed her a bit of the town, what little of it there was to show. I was very sure to point out the very distant forest to her. "Taya, look at that line of trees over there." She did. "Looking at it, what do you see?"

"Trees. Flowers. Weeds."

"There is more to it than that. _I _am afraid to go into that forest. It takes a lot to get any ponies to go in there, those of them that know what's inside it. What does that tell you about it?"

"It's probably dangerous."

"Yes. Very much so. I will be upset if I find out that you go into that forest without a good reason. I don't like playing the hero or the punishing parent, or both, so please don't go in there."

"I won't."

"If you ever, for any reason, do have to go in it, stick to the trails. Most of them are relatively safe. Avoid any flowers you see inside. The blue ones have nasty effects, and I'm not sure about any others. If you see something with the head of a chicken and the body of a snake, don't look it in the eyes, and if you have to, invoke Fluttershy's name on anything that attacks. They might leave you alone."

I pointed out a few more landmarks. "Rarity's shop. Never much cared for it, myself. Too garish. Doctor's office. Stop by there if you get hurt and Twilight isn't around. Fluttershy's shack is over there, near the forest, for some stupid reason she never could explain. Applejack's farm is way the hell that way. The school. I don't know if you'll need to go there, since you're learning magic with Twilight, but I suppose we can enroll you if you want. If nothing else it would give you a chance to socialize. Rainbow Dash's palace is up there. Made it herself in a few days, I think. Pretty nice place, when you're not being held captive there. Pinkie Pie's shop. Or at least, the shop she stays at. They make rather good deserts. If there wasn't sure to be some manner of food back at the party, I'd stop by and get us something. But I think it's about time we went back."

When we did get back, all the lights were off again. "Should we humor them?" I asked Taya.

"If you know a surprise is coming, is it surprising?"

"Surprisingly, yes," I said, stepping inside.

And of course they all stepped out and shouted surprise and whatnot.

When they were done, I slowly raised my arms a bit, shook them slightly, and monotonously said, "Ahh."

"I told you they'd be surprised!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, giving the others a look. They rolled their eyes.

I saw about half the money was gone. I didn't mention it at all.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to teach Taya how to have fun, Pinkie Pie. She's gotten too many bad habits from me. No ballroom stuff, mind."

"What's wrong with ballroom dancing? You seem to like it." Twilight said.

"Because it's not fitting for a young lady at her first fun party," Rarity said. "Come along, dear. We'll teach you what Navarone is unable to impart."

"I wouldn't mind seeing a ballroom dance, though…" Taya said quietly. I raised an eyebrow.

"I'm a bit… out of step, after three months. I'm sure I can muddle through one, though."

"It's okay, hun. We got this." Applejack said, motioning to Rainbow Dash. It was an odd contrast, hearing the music Pinkie Pie usually played accompanied by a dance fit to grace a queen's wedding, but I've seen stranger.

I sidled up to Pinkie Pie. "So that's a bit new," I commented so that no one else could hear.

"Well, with you gone, we need somepony to replace you. They both wanted to step in. Their competitive spirits kicked in and the rest is history."

"I'm honestly surprised to see that they kept up with it. Ah well. You're in charge of getting Taya to learn how to have fun again. God knows, the poor lass needs someone to help here there. Just don't force it. If you can't do it you can't do it."

"I've yet to find anypony that I can't make crack a smile. Leave it to me, Nav."

I wandered off to Fluttershy, next. "Well," I said.

"Yep," she answered, idly pawing at the ground.

"We'll talk, as I said. I just wasn't expecting… this. Give me a few days, and I'll stop by your house."

"If… If you're sure."

"We'll talk, as I said. What we decide is what we decide." I patted her side and wandered to Rarity. "Well, lass, what do you think?"

"Their style seems fine, but it looks more like they're dancing _at _each other than dancing _with _each other."

"They've always been competitive. But I meant about Taya."

"You have your work cut out for you, with her. She's so small… How old is she?"

"No clue. I don't even… Chicks think differently from guys, and you're good at reading people—well, ponies. If you think of anything that might help me with her, even if it is your fashion stuff, let me know."

"You'd be willing to stoop down to dabbling in fashion? She must mean a lot to you."

"I try to keep my hands clean. If anyone will be doing any of that nasty fashion for her, it'll be you. I'd just bugger it up. If you want someone killed, you come to me. If I want to look good, I'll go to you. People are experts at something for a reason."

"Just a joke, Nav. No reason to go reminding me what you do for Princess Celestia…"

I shrugged. "Like I said, just come to me if you think of anything."

I found the trio of terror next. Before I could say anything, Applebloom accused me of sheltering Taya. "Look at her, Nav! She doesn't have a cutie mark yet! What are you doing to her?"

"Nothing. And that's the problem."

"Problem?" Sweetie Belle asked. "If you know it's a problem, why haven't you solved it yet?"

"Just because _I _can do something doesn't mean I can do it best. I knew of three young fillies who might be able to solve this one better than I could."

"We already have our cutie marks, Nav. All three of us! And you're the reason we have them anyway!" Scootaloo said.

"Yeah, we kind of failed as Cutie Mark Crusaders…" Sweetie Belle sighed.

"But you became great friends, and even though your cutie marks have little to do with each other, you're still together. That's what Taya needs."

"Friends? Even more than a cutie mark?" Applebloom asked. "Are you sure?"

"How did you accomplish getting yours?"

"You told us how to do it. We'd've caught on eventually, though!" Scootaloo said.

"And how did I know you well enough to tell you what to do?"

"You helped us out a few times, and learned about us," Sweetie Belle said, catching on.

"And what do you call someone that helps others with no benefit to himself?"

"A philanthropist?" Applebloom asked.

Scootaloo smacked her lightly in the back of the head. "A friend," Sweetie Belle corrected.

"Oh yeah, that makes more sense," Applebloom said, rubbing her head. "Didn't have to hit me, though…" she muttered.

"You're all a bit older and wiser now. Maybe you can learn enough about her to help her. And if not, well, maybe she'll make some friends out of it."

"We may not be the Cutie Mark Crusaders, anymore," Scootaloo began.

"And we may not have been good at getting our cutie marks," Sweetie Belle continued.

"But we'll do our best to be the Cutie Mark Friend Patrol!" Applebloom finished.

"Might want to work on the name," I suggested. "But thanks. Just don't try to force her to do anything she doesn't feel comfortable with. And before you ask, I have no idea what her comfort zones might be."

They nodded and got to plotting amongst themselves. I walked over to Spike.

"Nav."

"Spike. You want to pull some guard duty for me?"

He looked at the gold with practical hunger in his eyes. I snapped my fingers, remembering something Twilight told me once about dragons and greed. "Remember, lad: This money is still mine. I might need it on down the line. Consider letting you hoard it for a while my way of apologizing for the meat I lack; I could not find a way to get some back. I couldn't sneak any through customs."

"We have a customs office? Why don't I remember that from my time in Egypt?"

"Because we snuck into Egypt illegally. And all the other times we were with the princess." I was, of course, lying, but he didn't have to know that. "This dance has been going on forever," I commented, turning to look at the pair, only to find they were done and probably had been done since I started talking to Spike. Everyone was staring at me again, naturally. "What? This is Pinkie Pie's party. Look to her, not me."

"You're silly, Nav," Pinkie Pie said, and then the party commenced in earnest.

Now, while I generally have little interest in such matters, it was amusing to see the others slowly teaching Taya party skills. Party dancing wasn't too difficult. Pin the tail on the pony was easy, though she had a bad habit of missing. Small talk was awkward, but she did great with Fluttershy. Managing the food was easy enough, as Taya was generally a bit ravenous around that time. It had been a few weeks since I found her, and I figured she had grown out enough to avoid getting sick from over eating, so I had been letting her get as much as she wanted for a little while now. This was her first time getting real pony-made sweets, though. I tried, too late, to limit her on how much of that she could get.

While in reality—or at least, reality as I knew it—sugar rushes are a myth, nobody told the ponies that. If they get too much sugar… Well, there's a reason Pinkie Pie is always so manic. After Taya hit the refreshment table, party stuff got a lot easier.

And then half an hour later she crashed. Month and a half traveling, meeting tons of new people, learning minor magic, and then the sugar crash proved to be too much for her. She was down before anyone knew what hit her. I was at her side about a second later.

"Poor lass is out cold," I said, checking her pulse. "Too much time on too little sleep, I suppose. And too much time sleeping on my back…" I gently picked her up. "I'll be right back." I dropped her off in bed and put my crossbow and bolts where she could see them. She knew from our time traveling that if I left them there it meant she was absolutely safe, even if I wasn't around. That done, I headed back down.

As soon as I walked in, Applejack said, "So… Sleeping on your back?"

I shrugged. "She wasn't used to sleeping in beds. The first night I found her, I tried letting her sleep in mine while I slept on the floor. Less than an hour into the night, she crawled down, found me in the dark, and lay perpendicular to my back, making sure my wings covered as much of her as possible. After that, it was apparently her preferred sleeping spot."

"Nav, that's…" Twilight started, but was interrupted by Pinkie Pie, who finished with "REALLY CUTE! Now I have a real reason for watching you sleep again!" Everyone looked at her like she was even crazier than usual.

"I'm not even…" I started, but changed my mind. "Never mind. I know it wasn't the best solution I could come up with, but she seemed fine with it and it wasn't bothering me much. Celestia knew and didn't say anything. And there were times on the way back when that was pretty much the only option. Even if I was loaded, there's still only so much spare room on a merchant vessel."

"No pony said it was a bad thing," Rainbow Dash said. "Just..."

"Not what we expected from you," Rarity finished.

"Yes, I know, I'm a bad person. You don't have to remind me."

"You make it so easy to forget, sometimes, is all," Twilight said, smiling.

"Would it help if I punched a flower?" I asked, with fake hope in my tone.

"Flowers don't feel pain!" Rainbow Dash said. "You'd need to punch a small animal. Like Opalescence!"

"You won't be laying a hoof on my cat, Navarone! Don't even think about it!"

I pretended to have a thoughtful expression on my face, and said, "Don't worry, lass. I don't have a hoof to lay on her. I might have a hand or two, though…"

"If you touch her, I'll show you why you don't mess with unicorns that know all about fashion!"

"Relax, lass. I don't usually hurt things without a decent enough reason. And if you all get lulled into a false sense of thinking I'm a good person, the next really big evil thing I do will put such a funny expression on your faces I'll be laughing about it for a while."

"Always so pragmatic," Twilight said. "And what thing more evil could you do than fake-assassinating Princess Celestia with my unwitting help?"

Amid the gasps of horror, I showed mock surprise, "You want me to do that _again_? I think once was enough for her, and you."

"You. Did. What?" Rarity asked, voice full of horror.

"Celestia wanted to test my skill. I won, with Twilight's help. Luna wanted a similar challenge that I won without any help."

"You cheated with both of them and you know it," Twilight said, smiling slightly.

"No, I cheated with Celestia. I beat Luna's challenge the night I got to the palace, before she even had the chance to make the wager. I refused to even hear it and she got mad. Before she said another word I shot a crossbow bolt dead even to her face, less than a foot away from her, into the wall. Not my best plan, but I don't miss."

I waited a bit for any manner of response. Other than their horrified expressions, I got none. "See, I told you those expressions would be worth it!" I giggled.

Spike broke the silence. "So… It was a wager. Is that where you got all these bits?"

"Heavens no. This money was for me to get home with. I was supposed to give it back to Celestia, but Luna refused to take it and she talked Celestia out of taking it as well. So I got stuck with it."

"So what _did _you win?" Applejack asked.

"I've been told not to discuss that. Ever." For some reason, Rainbow Dash and Twilight looked a bit guilty when I said that.

"Was it worth angering the two most powerful ponies in the world?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"They weren't mad. Though Celestia was a bit embarrassed that I took her down in front of so many people."

"You're going to have to tell the full story now, Nav," Twilight said, seeing everyone looking at me with even more interest. I sighed and did so, telling them of the reason behind the challenge, how both of them offered the challenge, how I came up with the plan, how I took Celestia down, and how I got Luna three times.

I finished with, "I'm hardly the best assassin in this world—some of my stories from Egypt will prove that, if nothing else—but I am the only one that can say I managed to assassinate both eternal princesses in a training exercise."

"You found assassins in Egypt?" Applebloom asked, and I sensed I'd have another story to tell now.

The scars had been removed by Luna, but I told them the tale, leaving out the grisly parts and the torture.

"Nasty place, Egypt. If I ever go back, I'm spending most of my time in the naga caves. They might have been trying to make me into their chosen one, but at least I was safe down there." Which spawned even more questions I had to answer, including showing around the dagger, which raised even more questions that I lied about, since Pinkie Pie still probably didn't want that one out. And finishing the desert naga tale required telling about Taya, which I did as well. Which reminded me of a question of my own. "I don't know what Taya's parents were, but she seemed to respond well to my wings. I know at least one of them had to have been a unicorn, since she was still in the city. Is it possible one parent was a pegasus?"

"It's possible, yes." Twilight said. "The kind of pony that is born is seemingly random, semi-dependent on what the parents are. Usually, two pegasi will produce a pegasus, two earth ponies will produce an earth pony, and two unicorns will produce a unicorn. But occasionally they don't. Any kind of combination is possible. If you start mixing parents, you change the chances a bit. Instead of say, 90% likely to match the parents, you have, say, 45% to match one, 45% to match the other, and 10% to be neither."

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash said. "Most pegasus mothers will come to the ground to have their foals. If for some reason she can't get to the ground, an elite cadre of racers are scrounged up from wherever they can be found, just in case. I've saved a few newborns, myself." I couldn't help but smile at the thought of a newborn earth pony hurtling to the ground, laughing at the rushing wind. I'm a bad person, but it's just a funny image to me, for some reason.

"I bet those percentages aren't set," I mused. "If you drew a Punnett square, you could probably map their genetics out to find out what's most likely to be born…"

They all looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. "Later. This is still a party. Go, have fun."

They slowly went back to it. Of course, it was still a party. A party in a library, where I store journal entries. And Rainbow Dash was looking guilty. Three months is a long time. Long enough to sort through things I've hidden. When I thought no one was looking, I went poking around. Nothing was missing.

But it was all in the wrong place.

I put everything back and turned around, to see Rainbow Dash staring at me with fear in her eyes. I mouthed, "Later," and looked away. I surreptitiously pulled another book down and grabbed a flask behind it and took a decent swig. _I have some work to do…_ I have to deal with Fluttershy, I have to make sure Rainbow Dash doesn't say anything she shouldn't, I have to make sure Twilight doesn't say anything she shouldn't, and I have to help Taya return to some semblance of normality.

Homecoming's a bitch.

How I dealt with Fluttershy depended on what all Rainbow Dash knew, and how she was taking that knowledge. My plan with Fluttershy was basically show her all the journals, and see how she reacted. Since Rainbow Dash had apparently decided to go through them all while I was away, I figured I could use her as a baseline for what I should expect if I showed Fluttershy.

And Twilight would be easy enough to deal with; I probably didn't even have to talk to her, since she heard what I said about telling no one what the agreement was.

Taya was to be a long running project, so I just had to help her while I was doing everything else, and after I finished everything else.

With all that in mind, I decided to make Rainbow Dash my first active project.

Unfortunately, it had to wait a bit while we all got Taya settled. Until Twilight got her lessons started in earnest, Taya would likely have a lot of free time, and she was still very used to being around me. What I was hoping would happen is that I would be able to pawn her off onto the three little ones, play with them for a while, and then see Rainbow Dash flying somewhere and excuse myself to intercept her.

Of course, life rarely works out the way you plan it. It took Twilight pulling Rainbow Dash out of the air for me to finally be able to catch her, and the only reason Twilight did that is because Rainbow Dash apparently told her everything she read.

We were all three sitting in Twilight's library, staring at each other. Rainbow Dash was as scared as I ever saw her, which isn't exactly common. This time, though, she knew she did something wrong and she knew I was fully capable—and possibly justified—of punishing her. Twilight might or might not have done something wrong, I didn't actually know yet. She didn't look guilty or scared, and given her magical abilities, there was likely little I could have done to her. But some of the secrets there weren't mine, and Celestia was very capable of punishing her. And me, for letting the secrets slip.

And me? I was disappointed, of course. A little worried, though I figured if nothing had happened yet with it, nothing would. Not really that scared, I suppose. A little hungry, though. I was also cleaning my fingernails with my knife, a habit that scares people for some reason.

"So," I began, and left it at that, laying my knife across my knees.

"You wouldn't show me the entries on Z…" Rainbow Dash explained.

"If Celestia knew how much trouble that caused me… Blame her for that, Twilight. Though I'm sure you've already made up your mind about it."

"I have," she said.

"And when you finished the Z entries, you had some questions. And when those questions were answered, they led to more questions. So you read everything," I said.

"Well… Yes. But I didn't know what I was going to find! You… And Luna! And that moth thing…"

"And you decided to show Twilight… why?"

"My fault, actually," Twilight said. "I came over one day to ask her why she gained a sudden interest in a series of odd books I've seen you poring over in the past. Imagine my surprise when I find massive holes cut into them, with loose papers stuff inside."

"The other place I hid them wasn't safe, as I'm sure you found out. And you also read my reasoning behind desecrating your books, so I don't need to explain that."

"There are a lot of things that do bear explaining, though," Twilight said.

"And would you agree about that, Rainbow Dash? Were you… less than satisfied with some of the things I wrote?"

Her eyes looked about as wide as dishes when she shook her head no.

"That's two against one, Twilight. If you have questions, I _might _answer them. You'll get no more than that out of me."

"What was it you told Princess Celestia about me that night after you were attacked by the moth thing?"

"Next question."

"When Princess Luna gets released, what will you do?"

I ran my hand through my hair, and said, "I honestly don't know yet. I don't think she knows either."

"Why did you and Princess Celestia decide not to tell any ponies about the chance for eternal life?"

"So many reasons. Evolution. The possibility of overcrowding. Lack of sufficiently strong unicorns. Actually getting it to everyone. The fact that some wouldn't want it. The fact that some couldn't handle it. The fact that no one deserves that curse." Remember, they didn't have any of my entries from around a few days before I left until this point. They didn't know Celestia's pain, so I could hardly use that as an argument.

"And yourself? If it was offered to you again?"

"I still don't know. I could see myself dying of old age before I decided one way or another. If my life is just going to be a long series of jobs for Celestia, each more violent than the last, do I really want to live forever?"

"It might be worth it, if you do end up loving Luna," Twilight said.

"Might. Next question."

"What's your real name?"

"Next question."

"Can you introduce me to the naga?"

"I… maybe. You, at least. Not Rainbow Dash. Why?"

"Hey, why can't I go?" Rainbow Dash asked, forgetting she was supposed to be feeling guilty.

"They don't like fliers, remember?" Twilight answered. "I have some questions about naga history, culture, physiology, diplomacy, and so much else that I would like to ask them."

"Next time you see Pinkie Pie, ask her if she wants to see her parents. She might as well go with us, so one of us will get something if the naga refuse to see you." Of course, if I gave her the dagger, I think they pretty much had to see her. Or at least, tradition over east dictated that they did.

"I will. Why would you still be willing to even talk to Luna after she tried to kill you three times?"

"Technically, she only tried to kill me once. One time she was trying to kill Rainbow Dash. The other time, she was just trying to make me fall so she could save me. People do crazy things for love, or for what they think is love. And I'm a forgiving person, I suppose. But yeah, when you put it that way, it does seem a bit awkward."

"I can't believe you kept that a secret, Nav," Rainbow Dash said. "You should have let Princess Celestia lock her back up on the moon."

"I explained my reasoning for that as well. I'd like to think you know better than I what love does to the brain. What would you do for Applejack?"

That shut her up.

"Anything else?"

"Did you realize that Luna tried to give you a love poison?" Twilight asked.

I blinked. "What? Why would she… When?"

"When you got back from Egypt the first time and she invited you to the palace. The purple bubbling drink she gave you was a love poison. I would really like to see what you did to it, and to study it if possible."

"That seems… dangerous," I answered, sharing a look with Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, love poison is easy to wear off," Twilight said. "Just keep the eyes of the one affected by it off the one they're in love with. There would be little real risk."

"I'll think about it, then," I said. "Any other questions?" _Why would Luna give me a love poison when she thought I loved her?_

"Your entries included some things about Fluttershy in them…"

"We are going to have a talk soon, her and I. Any advice you can give me on that is welcome."

"What were you planning to do?" Twilight asked.

"Show her the journal entries so she'll know exactly what baggage I come with. I didn't figure the Luna situation out fast enough to avoid hurting her, but hopefully I can avert this easily enough."

"Avert it?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Why not go with it instead?"

"A few reasons. There's still the Luna situation to worry about. There's the fact that I'm a human and she's a pony, and I am not attracted to ponies. There's the fact that she's just an all around better person than I am and I in no way deserve her. There's a good probability I'll get called away to do something else for Celestia and that I might not return. And there are two issues from my past trip that you don't know about and that I either can't or won't tell you about. What I'm worried about is how hurt she'll be, because we all know she'll never say a word about it, just let it fester."

"If you know anything about love, Nav, you know none of that will stop what she feels for you," Rainbow Dash said. I think Twilight might have been a bit out of her element.

"I know, which is what I'm worried about. Would you hold it against me if I knowingly acceded to her love, even though I don't feel the same way?"

"You won't have to," Twilight said. "Just because she won't stop feeling her love doesn't mean she'll act on it. She's Fluttershy, Nav. If she thinks somepony else might still be in love with you, she'll never act for fear of hurting them. Or, since it is Luna, getting hurt herself."

"If anyone lays a harmful hand on any of you, I will happily help you deal with them, princess or not," I said. "And anyone that hurts Fluttershy, of all of you, probably deserves most to be hurt."

"In that, at least, we can agree," Twilight said. "So what are you going to do with her?"

"I don't know," I said. "I was hoping I'd think of something while in Egypt. I didn't."

"Well, good luck," Rainbow Dash said. "For what it's worth, I think you two would be good for each other."

"Noted. Any other questions?"

"Did Princess Celestia really have you arrested and convicted for treason?"

"Yes. There's a reason we made Rarity forget about that one."

"I don't know why Rarity got so mad about it. I think it's hilarious!" Rainbow Dash said. "I would have loved to have seen the look on Rarity's face…"

"It was quite humorous, yes."

"I think it was wildly irresponsible. I can't imagine Princess Celestia doing something like that!"

"Didn't she bring a dying bird into the presence of a master animal caretaker once? Do you really have to ask why she did it?"

"…You're a terrible person, Nav."

"Yeah, I know. Anything else?"

"What did Rarity and Pinkie Pie do to you when you were a pony?"

"Next question."

She frowned, but asked, "Why did you talk the naga couple out of love?"

"I didn't. I told them what love is, and reinforced that with Pinkie Pie's parents' advice. They decided they didn't feel love, or that their love wasn't worth what they were giving up, which also isn't love. I just saved them a lot of pain."

"Would you have been willing to leave Taya at Celestia's orphanage?"

I'll go ahead and say that Taya wasn't there at the time. She was with the three little ones, awkwardly trying to deal with them.

"That was my plan from the start, and it was my plan up until Celestia told me she wouldn't let me. Taya is with us in Ponyville because Celestia gave her to you as a student. Otherwise, she would have been left in Canterlot."

"Why would you leave her?" Rainbow Dash asked. "Anypony can see she loves you, and the way you held her at the party shows that you feel the same."

"Because I'd be a shitty parent, and I figured it was in Taya's best interest to be adopted by ponies, rather than kept by me."

"But Celestia changed your mind?" Twilight asked

"No, she just didn't give me a choice."

"Now, about Z. Why me?"

"I do not know. I can make a few guesses. First, Celestia thought it would be funny as hell. Second, I knew you enough to judge what would and wouldn't work. Third, we both knew you'd be a pretty easy mark."

"And what's that supposed to mean?" Twilight asked hotly.

"You're innocent, as I said back then. Very little or no experience with guys. You didn't know how to handle it, which made you easy to deal to maneuver the way I needed you to."

"And if your plan hadn't worked, or I had recognized you?"

"If you had recognized me, you would have pawned me off on Luna, who would have made an excuse to get us alone, and it would have all gone downhill from there. If my plan just outright hadn't worked at all, well, I don't know. Maybe I would have gone after Celestia, since I technically didn't exist. I don't know."

"And if Celestia had decided it would have been funnier to leave you hanging with me after the last dance?"

"You tell me."

"Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"

"I always ask that of all my prey. I don't know why, I just like the sound of it."

"That's… really creepy, Nav," Rainbow Dash said. Twilight just looked at me in mute horror.

"That's the second part of the quote, actually. It's from a movie where I come from."

"I should probably punish you for the pain you put me through…" Twilight said.

"I won't deny that I probably deserve it," I said.

"I'll keep that in mind," she answered.

"Any other questions?" I asked.

"None right now. Rainbow Dash?"

"None from me," Rainbow Dash answered.

"Good. What happens now?"

"I really, really wish I could talk to Princess Celestia about some of this…" Twilight said. "But I don't know how she would react to me knowing about Luna, or Z, or her more irresponsible acts."

"I can't help you there. You've known her longer than I have. I wouldn't mention it to her, but that's just me."

"You're a self-admitted coward who detests hurting ponies and yet has no problems with killing them," Twilight said.

"Yeah, and? I get the damn job done."

"You do."

"If we're done here, you can go find Pinkie Pie and ask her about her parents. If she's alone, tell her what you know about the naga, and tell her how so she won't get mad at me."

"I can't imagine Pinkie Pie mad about anything," Rainbow Dash said. "Crazy, yes. Manic, definitely. Angry? Not possible."

"Disappointed, then. Either way, I don't want to deal with it."

"What'll you be doing?"

"Gathering my journal entries up until talking with Celestia that day I found you and her together in the sitting room, and then finding Fluttershy. I'll give her those and give her a few days to read through them. While she's doing that we can go talk to the naga."

"Are you sure you want to move Taya around so soon? It's only been a few days since she got here."

"It takes us a few hours to get to the farm. It'll probably take you around a day to deal with the naga, and then it'll take us a few hours to get back. We should be gone less than three days, unless something goes horribly wrong."

"And what are the chances of something going horribly wrong?"

"Since me and Pinkie Pie both are likely to be involved, pretty damn high."

"Do I get to do anything?" Rainbow Dash asked, feeling a bit neglected.

"You can answer questions for Fluttershy, if you want. She might have a few she thinks about while reading. Or you can make comments on the journal entries designed to make me look bad."

"You really _are _a bad person, Nav," she answered.

"Yeah. Yeah… It's fun."

"Isn't that the same task you gave Princess Celestia? Did she ever tell you how she went about it?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"I don't think she was, for reasons I'm not at liberty to discuss." They were both lonely. Celestia wanted me to take Luna up on her love, and to live forever with them both. I think. God only knows how that'll turn up, now.

"And what makes you think I will?"

"Will you?"

"…Yes. I owe you that much. Though I think it is a mistake."

"Thank you, then. I suppose we have things to do." Rainbow Dash headed out to do whatever. Twilight went to find Pinkie Pie, and then presumably Taya. I went to grab the newer entries and put them in with the older, and put them all in a reasonable order.

Then I set out to start what I was thinking might be a very awkward conversation.

I found Fluttershy talking to a group of mice that live in her home, while singing birds flew around with her hair, weaving it. She really was a beautiful animal, if nothing else…

"Oh, Navarone! I wasn't expecting you so… soon," she said, eyeing the journals in my hand. "What are those for? I thought we were going to talk…"

"These are my journals. Just about everything I've done since I got here, I have written down. There is much about me you do not know, and you will probably change your mind about getting involved with me when you find out about them. I figured it would be easier to just give you everything straight up and let you read through it. If, that is, I can trust you not to tell anyone some of the things you read in there."

"What have you been up to that you're not allowed to tell anypony?" she asked, jokingly.

"Do you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Of course I won't, Nav."

"When Twilight and I went to compete against Trixie, she had several bodies in her castle, drained using magic to give her extra strength and life. When we found that, we beat through her defenses and I nearly killed her before she escaped."

She was shocked, I could tell.

"After the sky rodeo, when we went to Canterlot, Luna tried to kill Rainbow Dash with the moth creature. Her plan backfired when I was in the room instead, and I was awake. As it turns out, Luna had fallen in love with me, gave the guard at the rodeo the knockout poison, removed one of the spells on me during the rodeo, and tried to be the one to save me so I would return her feelings. She confessed all of that to Celestia after the attempt on Rainbow Dash's life, and Celestia promptly told me. We couldn't let Luna go unpunished for two attempts at murder, so we sent for Zecora to deliver our judgment of five years locked in the palace, as a fake impartial judge. Zecora refused to listen to Celestia, and sent for me. She forced me to listen to Luna's confession, as neither of them knew I knew. I was forced to pretend to love Luna. After the second naga trip, I was summoned back to Canterlot. There, Celestia and I spoke openly of the incident. Luna was listening in. I almost didn't survive the encounter."

"Nav…"

"There's more to that story, but I'll only tell you depending on how you take the rest of it, which you'll have to read."

She was silent for a while. "Why are you telling me this?" she finally asked.

"Because it isn't fair for you to get involved with something you know little about. I am a truly terrible person, as you'll find when reading this. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both read through the entries while I was gone, against my wishes. After today, I'm going on a short trip to talk to the naga again, and Twilight is going with me. Rainbow Dash will be here to answer any questions you have about the entries. I was talking to her and Twilight about it earlier."

"Do I want to read these?"

"There are some parts that will horrify you. And that's why you need to read. All humans have the ability to turn off both empathy and sympathy. Some do it automatically and some do it manually. So consider that your warning. But Twilight and Rainbow Dash made it through everything up to the second Egypt campaign. And I'll be here for you for anything you read today, and Rainbow Dash will be with you for anything you want her to be while I'm gone. Just don't read anything at all about the second trip to Africa while you're alone. As soon as you get to it, stop, and find Rainbow Dash. If I'm back by then, find Rainbow Dash or Twilight. You won't want me to be around for it."

"What… what did you do?"

"Read, and you'll find out. But it's bad. Justified perhaps, but bad. And, as I said, _tell no one_. There are some things in there that I shouldn't let anyone read. But I will."

"Thank you. I think."

"You have any other questions?" She shook her head. I gave her the entries. "Good luck. If you have any questions while I'm here, feel free to ask."

She started reading. I got bored within a minute and started looking around her house. I had been in it before, but not for long periods of time with nothing to do. It was very homey, if you like animals. Bird houses, open cages, a few damaged nests, all manner of small medical supplies. I periodically answered questions. Eventually I started trying to juggle again.

A few hours after she started reading, Twilight and Taya came by. Fluttershy put down the entry she was reading, and welcomed them in a somewhat distraught voice.

"Hello, Fluttershy." Twilight said. "We were actually looking for Nav."

"You… you found him," Fluttershy managed. I really hoped I was doing the right thing.

"What did Pinkie Pie say?" I asked.

"She's in. And she's also a bit upset at you."

"She'll get over it," I said. "Taya, we're going on another short trip. Pinkie Pie and Twilight, and possibly Spike, will be coming with us, it seems."

"Okay," Taya answered.

"That's not a safe answer when it comes to women. You don't have to go if you don't want to, lass. Fluttershy or Rarity might be able to watch you, if you want to stay behind. We're only going to be gone for two or three days, unless something goes terribly wrong."

"I'll go," she said.

I shrugged. "Can't say I didn't give you the choice. Fluttershy, you want to keep reading?"

"I… I think I'm done for the day." It was only around three or so.

"Your call. I'm heading on home, then. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry." We three left.

"Sorry for what?" Taya asked, after we were a little ways away.

"I'm letting her read my journals," I answered.

"Oh…"

"So how are you getting along with the others?"

"I think I do better at reading and magic than I do friends," she answered.

"Understandable. But friends are good to have. Twilight and I both felt a hell of a lot better after we got some."

"I know. But that doesn't make it any easier."

"What's wrong with the three, anyway? I admit, they can at times be annoying, but they're still somewhat entertaining to be around."

"They're rather immature, and very impulsive."

"They're still young," Twilight said. "And so are you."

"Age has nothing to do with maturity, Twilight," I answered. "I understand, Taya. But life isn't just seriousness and formality. You're not in Egypt anymore. I know you're a bit poisoned by my paranoia, but no pony will ever harm you." Well, it's very unlikely, anyway. "You don't have to worry overly much about maturity, here. You can talk to Pinkie Pie all day and never once see any sign of maturity in her. But when it's needed, it pulls through. Same for the three little lasses."

"If no pony will ever harm us, why do you carry weapons everywhere?" Taya asked.

"If I stop wearing weapons around town, will you give the others a chance?" Wearing them openly, at least. I'll still hide a few blades around me, just in case.

"That isn't at all the argument I was trying to make," she answered.

"I know what you were trying to do. My question stands."

"Can I call you dad?"

Ice water in my blood. I'm sure my face completely drained of blood, and I almost tripped.

I tried covering it with a cough, but I know at least Twilight knew what happened.

My mind almost broke, for a second. Twilight managed to pull me back. "Navarone? Are you okay?"

I quickly pulled out a lie. "I'm okay. Sorry… When you said that… It brought back memories, from… home. Yes, Taya… daughter. You… you can call me dad, if you desire."

"Then I'll do it, daddy." If she knew how much it cut me to my soul to hear that… I felt like crying from the pain.

Instead, I nodded, and tried to control the twitching in my wings.

We walked in silence the rest of the way back.

That night, after I put Taya to bed, I went to talk to Twilight.

"I was wondering when you would come talk. What happened today?"

I told her basically the same thing I told Luna, about my fears as a parent.

I finished with this, "And when she asked me that… I don't know, Twilight. I'm not parent material. I'm going to screw up, and Taya will be mad at me for it. And when that happens, I'm going to hurt."

"Everyone screws up, Navarone. It's a part of life. And yes, she will be mad at you, for a little while. But she loves you. She'll forget her anger, and she'll forgive you. You'll just have to be able to forgive yourself."

"That's the problem. I can't. I can't forget the mistakes I've made, and I can't forgive myself for them. I know they could have been avoided…"

"But they weren't. The past is past, and there's nothing you can do about that. You need to learn to let things go."

"Logically, I know that. I've told myself that all my life. But I can't live it."

We were silent together for a little while.

Finally, she asked, "Are you going to keep your promise?"

"Which one?"

"To stop wearing weapons?"

In response, I reached up my left sleeve and pulled a throwing knife out.

"If she finds out, she might be mad."

"If she finds out, it'll be because I was justified in carrying them, and I think by that point she'll be willing to forgive me my paranoia."

"Are you sure it's worth the risk?"

"I was almost killed by assassins because I didn't have weapons on me. I know you saw the scar, because Luna didn't remove it until the night of the Gala. I am not going anywhere without at least some small way to defend myself. If she finds out, I'll just tell her I use them to eat."

"You and I both know she won't buy that. She's too smart for that. Which raises a few other issues. One, do you want to put her in school? We don't have to, since she's learning magic with me, but we can. And two, she's really mature for her age. Do we dare put her in school? There's no telling what the other students might do or say to her, and how she'll respond."

"I was going to give her the choice. I'll tell her it'll probably slow down her study of magic, but that it would speed up her learning of everything else, including social skills. What I'm worried about are bullies. I can deal with adults belittling her: A fist in the face works wonders. But I can't beat up children."

"Just tell Taya to tell the teacher. I don't think she'll be caring about social ranking or anything like that. Most foals don't do things like that anyway."

"Good enough for me. I'll ask when we get back from the naga, since there's no way to enroll her while we're there anyway."

"Are you feeling any better? About being a parent, I mean."

"I'll probably flinch a bit every time she calls me daddy for a while. It's just not something I feel like I should ever hear."

"I can't imagine anypony ever calling me mommy. I don't think I have your aversion to it, though."

"At least if you ever feel overwhelmed, you can go to your parents for advice. I have to go to friends who've never had a child."

"That isn't entirely true. You could talk to Rarity or Applejack. They help take care of their little sisters. Or you could go to Princess Celestia. She knows just about everything."

_Everything but what it's like to hold your own child in your arms_… "I don't think it would be a good idea to ask Celestia. I'll remember Applejack and Rarity, though. And if all else fails, I can just ask Pinkie Pie's parents. They like me well enough."

"That's a long way to go to get some advice, Nav."

"If I need advice badly enough to have to go ask them, I think I'll need to go away for a few days. Besides, if it means I won't screw up any more, it's worth it."

"You'll do fine."

"God I hope so…"


	31. Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Twenty-Nine—I just can't hold all these snake people!

The next day the five of us boarded the train to a rock farm in the middle of nowhere. Spike did decide to go; his decision probably had something to do with naga eating meat. Or the room full of sapphires he overheard us talking about.

It had been less than a week since we got back from the last trip, and it felt wrong to be leaving home again so soon, even if it was for such a short while.

The train ride wasn't that long, thankfully, just a few hours. Since it was such short notice, Pinkie Pie's parents didn't know we were on the way, and didn't meet us at the station. We slowly made our way to their house, with Spike commenting on how depressing the landscape became as we got closer. I've mentioned the same thing before: Pinkie Pie's parents live in the middle of the most depressing area I have ever been in.

"I've been meaning to ask you about that, Pinkie Pie. What the hell is up with this place? All of Egypt that I saw was livelier than this place. At least there you could see the sun!" I said.

"I don't know…" she said. "I've wondered that myself."

"Twilight, do you have any insights?"

"Yes, actually, I have a guess. You see, this is Equestria, land owned and made pleasant by association with Celestia. However, there is a large concentration of naga living under the land here. I think their innate violence seeps into the land, into the air, and crushes this place in a miasma of depression."

"Twilight, that's retarded," I said.

"It's the leading scientific theory. There's a place near Ponyville where dog people live underground. It is very desolate as well."

"So you're saying that this place is basically sanctified by Celestia, and the naga are a corrupting influence. And since Egypt isn't owned by Celestia or her ponies, it can't be corrupted because it was never pure."

"Yes."

"Yeah, I'm going to go with that being retarded. My vote is because this place is the fucking dust bowl."

"Dust bowl?" Spike asked. "What's that?"

"In my world, there was a long time when a large portion of the center of this continent was completely barren. The entire place was flat, and large portions of it were furrowed and had open dirt due to crops. Well, the land was never very wet to begin with, and with people pumping so many crops out of the land to support a massive war effort, the land became overtaxed. Most of the moisture vanished from the soil, and then from the entire area. And since it was so flat, there was a shitload of wind. All the open soil that was now too dry to stick together started getting whipped into dust storms by the wind. And the place was surrounded on all sides by mountains. So you had a lot of farms in the 1920's and onward unable to grow much more than subsistence crops while at the same time being pelted by massive dust storms. The result of that gave the sky an almost permanent overcast look from all the dust in the atmosphere, even though it almost never rained because there was no fucking water and it was the middle of a continent surrounded by mountains."

"So your theory is that something from your world is affecting ours?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"No, my theory is that what happened to my world is happening or did happen to your world, without the massive war part. Basically, good luck with that, and I'm glad I don't live here."

"I'll… have to ask the princess about that," Twilight said. "We don't want to let something like that happen here."

"I'll say. That shit happened to us at one of the worst times in recorded history. We were between the two largest wars our world ever remembered, with millions dying in each, and the economy completely crashed in the time between them. So there was a general food shortage, a lack of jobs, one war fading into memory, and another war looming on the horizon."

"You told us a little about your world, but not much. If you ever think of any mistakes your people made that we might avoid, let me know," Twilight said.

"Later. We're coming up on their house now."

"Pinkie Pie, you lived _there _as a child?" Spike asked incredulously. Their house fit in with the landscape very well.

"Yeah… There's a reason I left."

"And a reason I didn't take the job I was offered here," I added.

We got to the house. Upon knocking, we learned only Sue was home. The rest were out in the fields.

"Pinkie Pie, you and Taya can go look for them if you want. I'll take Twilight and Spike to the well."

"Why can't I go with you to the naga?" Taya asked.

"Because they might not let Twilight in even if I ask. They certainly won't let a little filly in, daughter of mine or not."

"Daughter?" Sue asked, surprised.

"Adopted," I answered. "We probably won't be long," I told Taya. "Besides, you'll get to meet a naga up here anyway, assuming that fellow still works here."

"He does," Sue answered. "The lifestyle doesn't suit him, but he has nowhere else to go…"

"He could be a guard. Or he could go across the ocean and become a mercenary."

"We do need his help, though," she said. "And he likes being around others of his own kind, even if they have very little interaction."

"Fair. Let's go on to the well."

I led them to it. "Twilight, I sure as hell can't get you down there. I don't even think you can fit down there. I'll go down and ask if you can come in, and then take you to the cave entrance if they say yes."

"Okay. We'll be waiting." I pulled the bucket string four times and jumped head first down the well.

I let myself fall about halfway into the cavern, before opening my wings and gliding to the side. Halfway, because I could hardly see the water anymore with most of the lights out again.

I glided to the edge with the most light and waited there for someone to come up. When someone finally did, I saw that it was the warlord fellow I dealt with the other two times I had been down here. His eyes lit up a bit when he saw me.

"Human, you return to us once again! Are you for hire right now, by chance?"

"I'm in the middle of a job, actually," I said. "I've been sent to ask you a question."

"Ask, then."

"Would you mind if a scholar sent by the ponies, and her assistant, came into your caves to study your people and ask questions of you?"

His face darkened a bit. "You know how we feel about ponies, Navarone."

"This is not a pegasus or an earth pony. This is a unicorn, a very powerful one. Your ceiling is growing dim again. She could probably light it up again in a quarter of an hour."

His face grew contemplative, and he thought for a few seconds. "If she can do that, she can study our caves and ask me what questions she wills. I'll ask for volunteers among my people, see if any might be willing to answer a few questions or be… studied," he finished with mild distaste. "I assume she'll be coming in from the front entrance?"

"Yes. If you could send word, and perhaps leave us a guide, that would be wonderful."

"Very well. While she is lighting our ceiling, you and I can talk a bit on other matters."

"If you desire. Oh, and one more thing. Her assistant is a small dragon. A very small one. That won't be a problem, will it?"

"As long as it doesn't eat our history room, no. I hope your scholar doesn't expect to be fed. The dragon, though, we might be able to give something."

"Thank you, friend." With that, I took off and clawed my way out of the depths.

When I got to the top, huffing slightly—it's a bit of a hard climb—Twilight asked, "Well?"

"You can go in, but you'll have to do some magic for them. Their ceiling is lit by torches, and it's growing dark again. Just light it up again, and they'll answer your questions."

"Sounds simple enough. It only took you a few hours to do it by hand."

"Showoff. Let's get this walk over with; it's hardly a short one…"

We passed the other group on the way to the caves. I greeted the farmer, introduced Twilight and Spike, and explained what we were doing.

Twilight was staring at the scout-turned-farmer naga. I realized it was probably the first time she had seen a naga, and that I never gave any real manner of description of the naga in my journals other than that they were fish/snake people.

Pinkie's dad nodded and sent us on our way. I figured if I turned I would see Taya watching us walk away. I didn't look.

It took us about half an hour to get to the cavern entrance. There was a slightly familiar looking naga waiting there for us. His eyes flicked from Twilight's horn to Spike to Twilight's body to me. "So, Navarone, you're the guest I was told to expect. Now I know why I was sent instead of a hatchling."

_Oh, it's that dude I saved._ "I don't think many naga would appreciate letting a pony into their main cavern. Since I know you're wondering, no, they didn't learn of your home from me, at least not directly. My after action reports were stolen, and found their way to her. She hired me to plan an expedition of sorts. Here we are."

"I wasn't blaming you, Navarone. You saved my life, and for that I owe you quite a bit."

"If you say so. I wouldn't have minded having a few of your kin by my side recently, in my latest escapades in Egypt. I was almost killed by bloody assassins. Though I did run into a naga cavern there. They thought I was their chosen one or some crap."

He snorted at that. "We knew from the instant we saw you that you weren't the chosen one. Were they blind? You're not a female, and you don't have the face of a cat."

"Chosen one?" Twilight asked.

"It isn't a tale told to outsiders, no matter what we owe them," he said.

"Yeah. They didn't even tell me, just asked me a few questions and asked me to take a flight around their cavern."

"I'm surprised they let you do that much. The only reason they let you in there is that you come bearing the steel of a wanderer atoning for his past mistakes."

"What?" Twilight asked.

"Is that what having a naga weapon symbolizes? The cat that hired me to talk with the naga there said I could come inside while I bore this dagger, but he didn't know why."

"In our culture, there several punishments that can be given. The worst punishment is exile. They are stripped of rank and their weapons and are cast out of naga society. They can prove their worth by killing a naga with a real weapon and taking up the weapons of the one they killed, but they will never be welcome in the original cave again. The second worst is death. The third is being cast out to atone of their sins. They are allowed to keep their weapons, so they are welcome in any hold, but everyone in the hold they come from will know what they did and why they were cast out. The shame sends all of these away. Since they have their weapons, they are welcome in other holds, where their past will never be questioned. However, others in that hold will know they did something worth being sent out for. After a certain amount of time, they are welcome back in the original hold, with everything forgiven. If they survive long enough, and return home, they are welcomed back as though nothing transpired. They can be killed by an exile, and have their weapons taken, but the exile will never be welcome in the original hold, and will always have the shame of being forced to move in his heart."

"Interesting… So yours is an honor based society… Spike, take note…" She droned on about something or another. It was pretty boring.

We were making pretty good time into the caves, at least, and the conversation proved interesting.

"So why was I given this dagger?" I asked.

"You came to the naga in our time of need, despite having no personal reason to," he answered. "That makes you a friend of the naga. The weapon you hold symbolizes to all naga that you are worthy of being in our holds."

"And if I killed a naga and took his blade, I would be worthy by virtue of proving myself in combat?"

"Right."

"But what if someone who didn't know the significance of the weapon sold it, and someone else bought it that did?"

"Well, the naga would probably never know the difference. And I don't think many know about the significance of a naga blade in the hands of an outsider anyway. It is not often that we give them out, and it is not often that atoners are killed. Naga blades are supposedly rare on the surface. The weapons we gave you were the only ones we gave out in my lifetime."

Twilight used her magic to pull the dagger out of its sheath, and pulled it to where she and Spike could see it. The naga looked on wide-eyed at the use of magic. The gentle glow from her horn lit up a bit of the tunnel around us, letting me notice a small decline I would have stumbled in.

"We're getting near the burial chamber, aren't we?" I asked. Twilight looked up at that.

"Pretty close, yes. You know, human, if you ask, you might be allowed to be buried there. What you did was sufficiently heroic, I believe."

"I think I'd prefer to have something of me carved into the sapphire room than be buried in a crypt," I said. "When I die I want to be cremated."

"Cremated? You mean… burned?" he asked, horrified.

"Yes. My people view death more pragmatically than yours, I take it."

So we had a long discussion on death, punctuated by the stop at the burial chamber. Spike was writing furiously. I don't feel like recounting the discussion here because frankly, it was morbid and I don't feel like it.

Twilight thought the chamber was incredibly interesting, and probably would have spent hours there if we hadn't pulled her out after a few minute's break. "You'll have time to look at it later, lass. You're still on borrowed time until you fix their ceiling."

"Yeah, what's so great about coffins anyway?" Spike asked. "I'd rather visit the sapphire room!" He started salivating a bit at that.

"Dragon, you are a guest here. But if you eat any of the rocks in that room I will throw you out personally, and I don't think I'll have to convince Navarone to do it."

"If you touch any of the rocks, I'll tie you to Twilight's back," I said. "And you know how annoyed that would make her."

"You are a strange mercenary, Navarone," the naga said.

"Yes, I am. But I've pulled jobs with these two in the past." He just shrugged. After a second I said, "Spike, I'll have you know I've been glared at by both princesses for better reasons than threatening them. You'll have to step up your game if you want to faze me." He jumped, since I hadn't even looked at him since I threatened him. I knew he was glaring, though.

He muttered some mean things that I pretended not to hear and went back to taking notes.

"You've met both the princesses? And survived their anger?" the naga asked with wonder.

"I've done multiple jobs for Celestia, and I've met Luna a few times as well."

"Incredible. Those two are the other ponies our clan would take jobs from, but I don't even think they know we exist."

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," I said. "They know quite a bit about their lands."

"So you're saying they read your after action reports as well?"

"The job I did for your people is what convinced them to hire me for the Africa job. But it isn't often that they need someone willing and able to do violence."

"When you see our leader again, tell him about your dealings with her. He might ask you to offer her our services."

"I will do so," I said. Even though he already knows I've done jobs for her.

We had crossed through several large caverns, each one of which Twilight sent probes of light through, to illuminate them. We found nothing worth noting, though I did get smacked in the face by a bat, which Spike, at least, thought was funny.

"Seriously," I was saying, "why would the bat fly right at me? I wasn't even close to the exit!" I noticed Spike and Twilight had stopped. Probably because we entered the sapphire room.

"I could spend all of my life in here and still have more to study…" Twilight whispered.

"I could spend a few hundred years of my life in here and never run out of food…" Spike whispered, a bit irreverently, or at least that's what I thought.

"You don't have all your life, lass. Play tourist for a spell and let's go. And if I catch you even touching any of these rocks, Spike, you're going on Twilight. I don't need to ruin the only good reputation I have in this world…" That last was muttered so only the naga that was still standing by my side could hear. He didn't comment, just watched Spike with careful eyes.

"How long have your people been in these caves?" Twilight asked.

"I do not know," he answered. "There are records here going back thousands of years, as far as we can tell. This entire cave system used to be full of water, and contained a massive naga city. But then for some reason, the water started disappearing. We do not question life's turnings, and many of our people left, taking with them much history."

"By the way, what's your name?" Twilight asked. "Navarone's… report… didn't mention it, and you never said."

"Names are not for outsiders. Any of them. I might be willing to tell Navarone, though it would be a massive faux pas, but I would have to ask him to tell no one and to not include it in anything he writes."

Twilight looked at me hopefully, but I shook my head. "No. I'll not ask you to go against the will of your people," I told him. He nodded his thanks, while Twilight shook her head.

We left the sapphire room, leaving nothing out of place, and continued on to the main chamber.

I was talking to the guard about a way of mapping the cave system using colored rope when we entered the main chamber.

"I know you don't get many visitors, but I think it might be worth it so you don't have to worry about any kids getting lost."

"Our hatchlings do not often wander far from the main chamber. I don't know of any ever getting lost. And on the off chance any enemy ever attacks our home again, I do not want to give them a way of getting straight to the main hold."

"Fair, I suppo—Oh, we're here."

Twilight and Spike stopped again, looking up and out and around. "When your report said it was big… I never expected this!"

"Our guide just said this place used to be a city, Twilight. What do you think he meant by that? This place would swallow Ponyville and not notice," I commented.

"Shame it's just plain rocks," Spike said, kicking a pebble. "I wouldn't mind another gem room that no one cared about getting eaten."

"If it makes you feel any better, the naga eat meat. And I think their leader mentioned something about feeding you, if you wanted anything." He seemed a bit happier about that, but Twilight ahemmed.

"I think we'll be too busy taking notes, Spike," she said with a glare in my direction. I shrugged.

"You have to light the ceiling, first, scholar," the big warlord said, rising from the dark water. "If Navarone's brags for you weren't in jest, that is."

Twilight and Spike both jumped at his sudden arrival, and stood gawping at him. I feel I should mention that while most male naga stood over a head taller than me and were broad enough in body to make me and a half, this naga stood a head taller than most of them and broad enough to make two of me. He was bloody big, and bristling with weapons.

Twilight got over her surprise and asked, "How do you make weapons that don't rust?"

"Magic first, questions later," he answered. She sighed. "The stack of torches is over—"

He didn't even finish before Twilight started. I should mention that I've seen her pick orchards of apples—full orchards, shitloads of apples, with every tree picked bare—in seconds. Had them loaded into hundreds of buckets in minutes.

She finished this job in ten minutes. The naga warlord stood, transfixed. I saw heads poking out of the water, staring in wonder. The naga guard was openly gaping.

"So, how do you make weapons that don't rust?" she asked when the last torch was locked in place.

An hour or so later, the warlord and I were standing off to the side of a crowd of naga, with Twilight and Spike in the center. "When you commented on how fast she could do that, human, I thought you were overstating. That was… incredible. And the Princess Celestia is stronger?"

"Princess Celestia wouldn't have needed torches. She would have put a fucking mini-sun in this place, and it would never run out." I don't think I was joking.

His eyes widened, either way. "My people always wondered why the ponies ruled most of the world. Now I suppose we know…"

"There is a reason I work with them rather than against them. You said you had things you wanted to discuss, though?"

"I was going to ask about your latest adventures. I know your work with the ponies sends you in strange lands."

"Yeah. I ended up back in Egypt. I met a group of naga there, living under a massive statue. Face of a cat, body of a human—what I am—and wings."

"Body of a human and wings? Are your wings not natural?" he interrupted.

"They're a result of a magical fluke when I was caught in a duel between unicorns. Hell, I was almost stuck as a pegasus because of that duel…"

"You have lived an interesting life. Tell me of these naga."

"They didn't have any ceiling torches, for one. They were apparently looking for some manner of chosen one, and they thought I might have some information on whoever it is, because of what I am. I disabused them of that notion."

"If you ever do get news of the chosen one, tell the first naga you can find. I hope that will be our clan, but it is imperative he—or more likely she—is found."

"I will do so," I said. "Though I doubt I'll be alive long enough to find whoever it is."

"You never know. Any other stories?"

I told him the whole tale while Twilight was doing her thing. "So you have a daughter now," he said when I finished. "And a pony at that. How are you liking being a father?"

I flinched when he called her my daughter. "I never wanted kids. I always figured I would be a terrible father. And then Taya came along… I feel like this is the easy version of parenthood, though. I didn't have to put up with her while she was a baby, and even now when she's young and should be making tons of mistakes and generally being a bitch, she's silent and does very little wrong for fear of being punished extremely hard or abandoned again."

"No, yours is not the easy version of parenthood. You just have the complete opposite extreme of it. There is the rebel hatchling, the one that says yes when you say no just to spite you. And there's the normal hatchling, who will occasionally screw up and will occasionally do well, but you never want to smack because they always try to do the right thing. And then there are those like your Taya, who are so afraid of being chastised they'll do just about anything anyone tells them, and will pretend to want to do it just so they don't get viewed as recalcitrant. That is a bad way to live, and something you need to try to get her out of."

"I know. Do you have any advice?"

"No. All of my children were the rebels that I wanted to beat bloody. I didn't, though—it hurts us enough to hit them, even if they think we lie when we say it hurts us worse than them."

"I used to think they lied, too. Now, though, I couldn't imagine hurting Taya. I remember a story my dad used to tell… One day he fucked up big time. His dad was away somewhere, and his mom went to beat him with something. She said, 'This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you!' When she went to hit him, she missed somehow, and popped a blood vessel in her hand. She started crying and my dad started laughing, saying, 'Looks like it did hurt you more!' When his dad got home, he got his ass tore out the frame."

He smiled at that. "Yes, I can imagine that looked like justice from the eyes of a child. Still, sometimes pain is a good teaching tool. Other times, it isn't. How to tell when, though, can't be taught. Still, I don't think you'll need to worry about hitting Taya. I can't imagine a pony child ever doing anything worth getting hit over."

"Nor I, come to think of it. Though I have been tempted to hit a few fillies that aren't mine…"

"The hatchlings of others always irritate more than our own," he said.

"Well, these three were asking if they could perform impromptu surgery on me when nothing was wrong."

"That seems a bit… irresponsible."

"They don't understand what pain is. They've never been hurt, not more than a few bruises. And ponies have an almost comic resistance to abuse and taking damage. I've seen a pegasus fly through a window at speeds faster than ponies can run, and impact the wall. She got up a few seconds later dazed but completely fine. I've heard a story—I was there, but I don't remember it—of that same pony ramming head first into Princess Luna, both going at a speed considerably faster than whatever I fall at, and then were ripped out of the air by a massive flock of birds. They both woke up a few hours later completely unharmed. My chest was torn to shreds by the birds, while they had nothing wrong with them. On the same vein, though, I destroyed the horn of a unicorn with a single bolt that missed her heart. I also slit the neck of a pony with no problem."

"Strange creatures. We might have to have more dealings with them…"

"The ponies here have little need of mercenaries, as I mentioned the first time I met you. Princess Celestia might be able to use you, but I'm pretty sure you would be moved very far away. The lands all around here are pretty well pacified. You might pull exterminator duty, killing a few pests left in pony lands. I've heard tales of ponies being kidnapped by dog people. The only one I've met that was kidnapped made light of the situation. She was released by being so annoying that they begged her to leave."

"A dog person being annoyed that much? She must have been beyond unbearable. All the dogs I've met were terrible to be around. They got on my nerves just from their mannerisms."

"Yeah, she can be hard to get along with. Anyway, it might not hurt to send an emissary to the princess. If you want, you can send one with us when we go back where we came from. We're near enough to Canterlot that getting the rest of the way shouldn't be a problem, alone."

He nodded thoughtfully. "See me before you leave, then. I'll send someone out with you."

We talked of inconsequential matters for some time, before I looked around the well entrance and judged it was either night or nearing it. I went to go talk to Twilight. Her attention was being distracted a bit by a flexing naga.

"Twilight, it's either night or close to it. I'm not leaving Taya alone at night in a strange place."

"What? Oh, yes, of course not. I think Spike is getting tired as well. You can head on back out. I'll ask the naga leader if Spike and I can stay here for the night, since it's such a long trek to and from the caverns. We'll either stay here or be back sometime late tonight."

I waved and took off to get back to the surface. Thankfully, there wasn't any manner of party waiting for me. There was a very happy Taya, though, and a family full of ponies that wanted stories. I doled out a few and held the others hostage for the price of a bed and maybe some food, though I don't think holding back the story is really what got me those.

Pinkie Pie's sisters were warming up to me a bit, now that I wasn't ruining any love stories in the making for them. Warming up to me disturbingly so…

"Oh, come on Nav! You can't just stop the story there! Surely there's… something I can do for you to make you keep going," one of them said when I stopped to go to bed. Emphasis on _I_, with a bit of a glare to her sisters. The parents didn't notice her wording, or her meaning, but Pinkie Pie and the other sister did.

The other one spoke up, "I can think of a few things I can do to get you to keep going. I'm used to late nights, it wouldn't be so bad…"

I had to remind myself that, despite ruining their love story, I also 'saved' them from the naga, came back occasionally with stories of 'heroics,' and finally came back with a daughter—and no mention of any manner of mother. They're relatively ignorant farm girls, with no access to the outside world. What can you expect?

Before I could awkwardly shoot them down, Pinkie Pie came to my rescue, "Taya needs her rest." Before Taya could speak up—and before I remembered she probably wouldn't—I lay a hand on her to still her. "Come on, Nav. I'll take you up to our room." Emphasis on our.

That, her parents noticed. "Don't you want to sleep in your old room?" Sue asked.

"I'm fine with the guest room," Pinkie Pie answered. "Twilight wants us close so we're easy to contact if necessary." That was a complete and total lie, as Twilight had no means to communicate with us and she never even mentioned the possible need for it. I didn't dispute it.

"If you're sure… The bed in there is large enough, at least." I stayed in there before. That bed was beyond huge. All three of us could probably fit on it, even though Pinkie Pie rolls and twitches a lot in her sleep. "Taya can sleep in your old room, if she wants. Surely your friend wouldn't need her help."

"Taya?" I asked. She very lightly and somewhat nervously nodded an affirmative. I was a bit surprised. "If you're sure. You know where I'll be if you need anything."

I put her to bed in Pinkie Pie's old room. That place was covered in pink, as I'm sure you can imagine. I unstrapped my crossbow—we weren't in town, and I felt justified in having a weapon around the naga—and laid it where she could see it. A thought occurred to me. "Don't trust the naga here. He might still hold a grudge for… what I did." She knew what I meant, from my story.

"He hasn't said a word to me, but I don't think he would hurt me."

"Just stay near Pinkie Pie or Clyde if I have to go back into the caves. I don't think he would do anything where he could be seen, and he owes that farmer his life."

"Don't worry about me, daddy." I flinched, but she couldn't see it in the dark. "I'll be fine."

"I know. Goodnight… daughter."

"Night, daddy," she yawned, rolling over a bit as I stood. I walked down the hall to the guest room, where Pinkie Pie was waiting on the bed already.

"Your sisters are hitting on me," I said when I had the door closed.

"Yes, they are. But they probably won't make a move on somepony they think I've claimed already."

"Are you sure you're Pinkie Pie? You seem a bit cold-hearted."

She smiled at that. "I'm just saving them the heartache. I know what you're doing to Fluttershy. I can't say I approve, but it's probably for the best."

"How could you… We left the day after I gave her the journals. How do you know I was doing that?"

"She came to me crying the night before we left. Didn't know what to do or who to go to. Couldn't trust Rainbow Dash, you were trusting her to answer questions. Couldn't trust Twilight, she was too close to you and you were at her house anyway. Couldn't trust Rarity or Applejack not to run over to where you were and attack you for making her cry."

"What did you tell her?"

"I can't tell _you _that, Nav. You should know that."

"I know. But I don't know what to do about it either. Giving her the journals seemed the easiest way to tell her I'm not safe to love, and that I'm not at all what she thinks I am."

"_That's_ what you wanted to get across to her? Oh Nav…" she laughed, "You're an idiot."

"I know. But for what cause am I one this time?"

"She didn't come to complain to me about how dangerous you are, or how evil you are, or that she couldn't love you anymore. She came to cry to me, to wail and to weep, at how tragic and good you are, and how she'll never deserve you."

"If you're going to lie, we can just stop now."

"I'm not lying at all. I don't know what you wrote in your journals, but she seems to think you're a tragic hero for some reason. In a way, I can slightly understand. Stolen from your home, given a life you weren't expecting but making the best of it anyway, meeting princesses and working for them, saving ponies and asking for nothing in return, constantly getting the raw ends of deals but still offering to help, saving an orphan girl and taking her in, and all the time feeling horrible about the ponies—and cats and naga, I suppose—you have to hurt, but doing it anyway because you're so certain it's the right thing… And you do it all thinking you're the most terrible thing alive."

I sighed. "That's before she had read the whole thing. She'll change her mind. And if not… well, it will end badly," I finally said.

"Yeah, I can see that. A human and a pony falling in love, but both thinking the other deserves better and neither willing to see themselves for the good thing they are."

"You can't deny that Fluttershy deserves a pony, if nothing else. I can't give her children. She would be a great mother."

"There's Taya."

"Yes, but adoption is different for mothers. Fluttershy didn't carry Taya inside of her. I think that would make a bit of a difference to how Fluttershy felt."

"I've never had a child, so I don't know," she said. "But there are other options. You could become a pegasus again."

"Nope. I never want to be a bloody pony again. Not after last time."

"It wouldn't have to be permanent."

"Can you imagine going to Twilight every time we wanted to have sex? That would be rather awkward. And it would raise a few questions from any kids we might have, questions I don't want to have to answer."

"Fluttershy could become a human."

"She could. But I would do my best to dissuade her." Upon seeing her look, I said, "Don't get me wrong: I would love to have another human around. A female human that loved me would be even better. But it would be unfair to her, to make her change her form. Twilight, Luna, and Celestia all said they felt off as a human, and all their mannerisms were just slightly wrong, since they were all learned from watching only me. When I was a pony, I felt terrible most of the time, since the body felt so unnatural. I was used to walking on two feet instead of four, so every time I got out of bed I fell forward heavily because I tried to balance on two feet, as I normally would. And every time I tried to pick up a glass of water or any kind of food, it bounced away from my hooves. I still felt my fingers in their places, but they weren't there. And the entire world looked so different, with my eyes in different places. I'm not used to seeing things that are behind me, and having such a large field of vision confused me for a while. I also heard and smelled things differently. I don't think I would ever get over being human if I was forced to live as a pony, and I don't think Fluttershy would ever get over being a pony if she was forced to live as a human. A child might, but we're both too old now."

"I've never really thought about it like that before. I wouldn't have minded trying it, and I would have if Twilight had been strong enough to break through the protection my cutie mark offers, but now I'm not so sure…"

"Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the reason the cutie mark is so hard to break through for magic like that is because by the time you get it you can't live normally as anything else. But humans don't have anything like that, so I was easy enough to change."

"Even though you managed it as Z, somehow."

"That was Celestia's magic, and it wouldn't have been permanent. Also, you aren't supposed to know about that."

She waved that away. "So you can't be with Fluttershy. So you two go on pining over each other, neither willing to risk anything. What else is there for you, at least? Fluttershy could get two dozen suitors easily, if she ever stopped being so shy. But you? You're different. If not Fluttershy, who?"

"You're assuming a bit, there, but you're not entirely wrong. I'd be welcome among any naga clan, for one, and this one here isn't too hesitant about sharing some of its female company. But I don't think I could love a naga. I'm welcome in Egypt, and there is a cat there I could see myself loving. She's dangerous, of course, but she's fun to be around. And I have other options I'm not at liberty to discuss."

"Princess Luna, of course. Fluttershy mentioned that. But Luna comes with all the same problems Fluttershy does, along with living forever and in Canterlot." There is a massive argument I could make for Luna—and by extension Celestia—but doing so would give Pinkie Pie more knowledge than she should have.

So I settled for saying, "There's more to the Luna situation than you know. And Fluttershy wasn't supposed to tell _anyone _about that. About anything I wrote in there."

"Fluttershy told me everything."

"She told you everything she had read up to or that I had told her. And I didn't tell her everything, nor did I put everything in the journals I gave her."

"I… see. Is it anything that would rank Princess Luna above Fluttershy in your short list of possible loves?"

"Depends on how you look at it. I really wish I could discuss it, but I swore to keep it silent. And not doing so would probably end up with my head on a stake. Celestia might like me, but she would very probably kill to keep this a secret." Maybe not kill, but she would definitely lock me away for a very, very long time. She might even force me to take the life of a tree or something to keep me alive for longer, just so I could stay imprisoned.

"I'm not asking how I would look at it, though. I'm asking how you look at it."

"Pinkie Pie, when did you become sane?"

"I've always been sane. I just like to make ponies smile, so I act in ways that do so when others are around. However, there is a time for seriousness and a time for comedy. When it comes to the feelings of my friends, I'm always serious, even if it's just serious about comedy."

"Then know this: I am incapable of love, I think. I believe I'm starting to redevelop it a bit thanks to Taya, but it was burned out of me when I was young. I like Fluttershy, I really do. I'm probably closer to her in some ways than I am to anyone else here. But I don't think I love her. Same for Luna. I never pretended to love Kat, but she was at least a friend. I don't want to be with someone that I don't love, because it isn't fair to them."

"So. Is this the actual truth, or are you lying to get me to drop it, to sympathize with you, and to help you get Fluttershy to forget her feelings so you can go back to pining in peace?"

"God's truth, lass. I feel absolutely terrible about it, but I cannot feel the emotion of love."

"I can't teach love to you. According to my parents, you did a decent enough job describing it with the naga when you dealt with that problem. Can you imagine yourself doing… all of what you and my parents said?"

"I can imagine doing that with anyone. Until you've earned my ire, I'll trust you, help you, protect you if possible, I'll be willing to spend time with you, but I'm not certain about the children thing. That might be because I never wanted children, though. As long as the other person is willing to respect the golden rule, I'll do the same. Screw that up and it's on, and as far as I'm concerned it's justified."

"I hate you sometimes, Nav."

"Pinkie Pie, you don't know how to hate." She couldn't help but smile at that. "That, though, is something that can be taught. At least, it can be taught to most people. It just isn't worth learning."

"Anyway, if you can't love, what do you plan to do about Fluttershy?"

"I was hoping the journals would deal with that for me. But apparently not. Maybe she'll change her mind when she learns some of the things I've done. Murder. Torture. Lies. No matter what most of you ponies seem to think, I'm really not a very good person. I wonder what I'll have to do to convince Fluttershy of that…"

"Stop being nice?"

"I'm never nice. Whenever I help people, I make fun of them. I make fun of people all the time, even when I'm not helping them. Applejack and I got Rainbow Dash drunk just because we thought it would be funny. And it was pretty funny."

"That was the night you learned her secret, right?" I nodded. "You knew that and you never told anypony, and you never held it over Rainbow Dash. That makes you a nice person."

"No, that makes me not a douchebag. I suppose I might not be a bad person, but I'm not a good one either. At best I'm neutral."

"You can tell yourself whatever you want, Nav." She said that while she was walking over to the door. "But I think we all know you well enough by now." She suddenly pulled the door open, revealing her two sisters. They scrambled away. She closed the door again. "Let's go to bed."

I woke up late in the night with what felt like an iron vice around my chest and my legs. I opened my eyes to find myself crushed into Pinkie Pie. She was holding onto me with all four legs, muttering something.

I pulled my face away from her furry neck and whispered, "Uh, Pinkie Pie?" I knew she was plagued by bad dreams, but I'm not used to being a teddy bear.

She started nipping my hair a bit, lipping it like I've seen horses do back on my world. It felt odd. "Pinkie Pie?" I tried, a bit louder.

She snorted and cracked her eyes open a bit. I don't think she could actually see me, the way she was holding me, so I tried asking, "Why are you holding me?"

"You're warm…" she sleepily said, rolling onto her back and dragging me with her. I heard and felt the gentle breathing of sleep begin again, but she wasn't muttering or flinching anymore. At least she couldn't bend my wings if I was on top of her…

I sighed and did my best to get back to sleep.

The next day we just hung around the farmhouse for a while. I told a few more stories, doing my best to leave out the gruesome bits. The two sisters glared at Pinkie Pie some of the time and spent most of the rest of it staring at me. What they didn't spend doing one of those two, they spent doting over Taya, who didn't quite know how to take it. It didn't take me long to realize that I would have been better served warning her to avoid them than I was warning her about the naga fellow.

Around midday, I filled a sack with vegetables and whatnot dropped into the well to see if Twilight needed anything. The only thing she needed was a few minutes of peace.

"These naga keep crowding around us!" she bemoaned, while munching on something or another. I don't usually pay attention to ponies as they eat; sometimes it's a horrifying site, though Twilight is better than most. "I keep trying to get them one-on-one, to ask questions of a more—ahem—personal nature, but whenever I try, another one of them volunteers some random scrap of information!"

She and Spike were taking a short break near the edge of the water. It was a really peaceful scene. The three of us were sitting on a small outcropping above the water, just low enough that I could get my feet wet. Spike and I were dangling our feet over the edge, and Twilight was lying on her stomach, staring at a small group of milling naga.

I looked into the crowd of the naga and got the attention of one of the ones looking at us. I motioned him or her—hard to tell with them, sometimes—over. She—I was able to tell as she got closer—came without a hesitation. Twilight looked up at me, alarmed.

Before she could say anything, I asked the naga, "You mind answering bedroom questions?"

She blushed a bit, which I thought was rather odd and disturbing looking, and said, "No, human. What do you wish to know?"

"There you go, Twilight. All you have to do is ask."

Spike's mouth was hanging open and Twilight was blushing a deep scarlet.

"What?" I asked.

"Navarone, you don't just… Stallions!" Twilight stuttered. "Well? Are you just going to sit there? Some privacy for us mares, please!"

"Twilight, I've seen all this in motion before. And don't you need Spike to take notes?" The naga was looking somewhat confused.

"Spike is too young for some of these questions, I think. Take him and do… something. Get more paper, I guess. I think we're running low."

I rolled my eyes and picked Spike up despite his protests. We took off into the air, with him trying to look behind me. I slung him over my shoulder and climbed up the rope.

We got to the top and looked at each other. We spoke at the same time: "Women." "Mares." Guess who said what.

We went into the farmhouse to ask if they needed anything from town while we went to get paper.

Sue gave me a short list. "Let me just get you something to cover that…"

Before she could move, I said, "Don't worry about it. You've let me stay here more than a few times, least I can do is cover groceries. Besides, I'm accidentally rich from a bloody trick the princesses pulled on me."

"Accidentally… rich? What?" she asked. One of the sisters was at the table, listening. Too late, I realized what I had done.

"I was given a decent sum of bits to get home with after my last big trip. I didn't realize how much it was. The princesses made me keep it to punish me for being obstinate."

"That's the worst punishment I can think of," Sue said.

"I know! I have all this bloody money and I don't know what to do with it. Everyone says Celestia is so loving and generous, but she's quite horrible to me."

"I mean, that's a terrible way of punishing somepony. How is that supposed to teach you any kind of lesson?"

"Oh. I don't know. I think they just like to see me suffer… That's what I get for being human in a pony's world, I guess. We'll be back in a bit." Spike and I left. Before we got more than a few paces from the door, Taya came trotting out behind us. I knew if I looked back into the window, I'd see two sisters talking quickly, with several animated hoof gestures. _Dammit_.

An hour and a half later—it didn't really take that long, but none of the three of us really wanted to go back—found us back at the farm. Before we went in, Taya said, "Please don't leave me alone with them again, daddy."

"Normally this is when I would say something about being social, but I agree. Those two sisters are getting on my nerves a bit. Have you tried saying that you need to practice magic?"

"Yes. I've also tried staying near Pinkie Pie. One distracts her while the other spirits me away."

"I'll try leaving a sign on your door. I have to drop Spike off, but I should be back up in just a few minutes. If push comes to shove, just tell them I said to leave you alone so you can study in peace for a bit."

"Maybe that will work…" We entered. I dropped the groceries off and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen from Spike. I wrote, "Do not bloody disturb – Navarone" on it. I took Taya up to her room and, lacking anything else, stuck the note to the door with a knife. "I'll be back in a few minutes, hopefully," I said. She nodded. I pulled the door shut. And found myself staring at one of the two sisters.

"Yes?" I asked, a small bundle of nervousness kicking me in my stomach.

"So what do you think about Pinkie Pie?" she asked.

"I think I'm needed in the caves. I'll be back soon enough. And please don't disturb Taya—she's at an early stage of learning magic where if she stops now, it'll take her a while to get started again." That was probably a complete lie; I know nothing about magic. But I figured this country girl didn't know anything either.

She deflated a bit, but put on a small smile when she realized that I didn't say one thing or another about my feelings for Pinkie Pie. I was already halfway down the stairs before she realized I was gone, and I had grabbed Spike and was about to drop down the well before she caught up. I pretended not to hear her as I fell down the well, holding onto Spike.

He was not expecting a sudden drop, but managed to hold onto the paper as we fell. I let us get almost to the water before I opened my wings. He was yelling in fear before I did so, and I couldn't help but smile at the look of hate he gave me. I'm surprised he didn't sling the paper everywhere when I pulled out of the dive, but I suppose he was experienced at dealing with it.

"Where have you two been?!" Twilight demanded. "I ran out of paper hours ago!"

"Twilight, we haven't been gone more than two hours." I said.

"Are you sure? It seems like I've been down here for days."

"You're not used to being underground, lass. It's getting to your head."

"Just be glad I have a good memory! Their mating rituals are so fascinating! Spike, take note…"

I don't know what I was supposed to be glad of, since I was bloody leaving, but whatever. Spike and I shared a short look that communicated our shared suffering before he bent down to write. I shook my head and jumped back into the air.

"Nav, wait!" Twilight shouted. "Where are you going?"

"Pinkie Pie's sisters are being twits. I'm going to go protect Taya."

"Before you go, can you… um… get a male naga over here?" I rolled my eyes and landed for a sec, then motioned the hulking warlord over. Twilight gulped when she saw him approach.

"What do you need, Navarone?" he boomed.

"Twilight wants to ask you some inappropriate questions, and was too shy to bring you over herself." I saw her turn an even deeper red than before, and heard Spike laughing behind me.

He nodded sagely. "Yes, as small as these ponies—and you—are, I can imagine she's well interested in our sexual prowess. I will satisfy her… curiosities." He said it with a small smile that told me he was joking. I couldn't tell if Twilight was offended, terrified, or even shyer now. Spike was laughing so hard he was choking.

I just nodded and said, "Remember, she has to be able to walk out of the cave."

"Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Go on your way, human. I'll take good care of her," he said, smiling deeper. I flew out, snickering the whole way. I was going to catch hell for it later, but I think it was worth it.

When I made it to the top of the well—muttering obscenities the whole way—a scaly hand shot down and pulled me out by my arm. I was left dangling over the well, held up by my arm.

"Oh, hi. Thanks for the help. That lip is a bitch to get over," I said. I turn into a smartass sometimes when I get worried for my life.

The naga looked me over. "You know, I was a scout in my clan. Not the best, not the worst. Do you know what qualities scouts are selected for, Navarone?"

"Stealth? Stature?" He was smaller than most of the other naga.

"Not fitting in. Being generally nonviolent. Not being liked. In some cases—mine, perhaps—so I could certainly die in a way that wouldn't completely shame the clan." He set me down on the ground. "For a long time I thought I should kill you for what you did to my people. Kill you and take that dagger you openly wear proclaiming your guilt. And then I started thinking about it. They were my clan, my people. But they were not my family, nor my… friends. They were violent, and they met a violent end. I came to a realization one day… Those that live by the sword usually die by the sword. You saved me from that. I wanted you to know that, and be warned. I will not harm you, but if you live as you are, your life will kill you one day."

After a long pause, I said, "My people came to that realization hundreds of years ago. We fight on, knowing death will come. I never wanted this life, and I do not like this life. I hate killing. But some people need to die. And someone needs to be willing to be the one that kills them. I realize that one day I will probably become one of those people that need to die. But thank you for the concern. It is good to know there is someone out there that wants to warn me of my probable fate."

He nodded, and left. Knowing what was waiting for me in the farmhouse, I flew up to Taya's window and knocked on it. She opened them with magic. _She's really progressing…_

I stopped in the window. The entire room had changed color from pink to black. _What. The. Fuck. Note to self: Don't get her pink anything._ "I hope you're going to change the room back before we go."

That's when I noticed Taya on the floor, eyes glowing like high-beams. She looked like she was having a seizure. I was at her side before I even knew I was moving. I noticed a terrible, searing pain, but I put it as far from my mind as possible so I could try to help Taya.

At my touch she froze. She had one more terrible convulsion, and was still. The light in her eyes slowly faded. She looked at me, confused. "What… what happened?"

"I do not know," I think I said. It sounded odd to me, though. Before I could continue, I heard a scream from the door. I looked up to see Pinkie Pie with her hoof to her mouth, staring in horror at me.

That's the last thing I remembered happening for nearly a week.


	32. Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty—Ouch, my everything

I woke up in darkness, on some manner of bed. I could barely twitch my wings under me. From the feel of it, I was on a segmented bed, one that had a hole for my wings. Despite being in an unfamiliar place in unfamiliar circumstances and no idea of what was going on, it felt great to be able to lie on my back.

That's when I discovered I was strapped down.

I cannot abide being bound.

My mind was almost ripped in two at that fact. It went something like this:

_I was with friends. They had a reason._

_Bound! Not again! Never again!_

_Relax. Just relax. There was to be a reason._

_Nothing justifies this! I hate being bound!_

_Keep calm, just keep calm._

_I HATE BEING BOUND!_

_Fight the panic._

_THIS ISN'T PANIC, THIS IS HATE! ANGER! RAGE! BREAK. ME. FREE!_

It wasn't a fun wait.

Nor was it an overly long one, which is good. I was nearing insanity, I think.

The door opened, letting blessed light in. Before I could see who it was or before they could say anything, I demanded, "Cut these binds and let me free!"

I heard a gasp, and heard whoever it was canter off. _Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!_

I forced myself to calm down, to relax, and to stop straining against the binds. If they're there, they're there to keep me here.

After a blessedly short wait, light flooded the chamber. I flinched and blinked in the glare, and wrenched myself free as the binds were released. I tried to slide off the bed, but magic forced me back.

"I didn't bring you back from your deathbed to watch you kill yourself, Navarone," Celestia's voice said. That immediately caused me to relax.

"Never bind me. I don't know what happened, but I think I would have preferred death to being tied down."

"I'll remember that next time," she answered dryly. "Are you going to try to stand up again, or can I let you go?"

"Tell me what I am not allowed to do before you let me go so I don't do it."

"Feel free to sit up and stretch. Just don't try your legs yet." She released me and I did as she said. She smiled a bit as I popped all my joints.

"So, what the hell happened?"

"I think 'hell' might be an appropriate description for it, given what you've told me of the concept. What do you remember?"

"I flew up to Taya's room and found her freaking out. Glowing eyes and convulsing. Terrified me. I rushed in to help her. When I touched her, she stopped and returned back to normal."

"What do you remember about the room?"

"Before, it was pink. When I found her like that, it was black. For a second I thought she did it on purpose. I suppose she recolored it on accident?"

"She didn't paint it. She burned it. The entire room was hotter than a furnace. The only reason you're alive is because she had some manner of shielding around herself that you entered when you got near her, as far as I can tell."

"Huh. How long ago was this?"

"If I told you a century, how would you react?"

"I'd be kind of pissed."

"A week. I was honestly expecting it to take at least two for you to even wake up, let alone be able to try to walk."

"I heal fast. How's Taya?"

"Hasn't stopped crying since it happened. You really shouldn't be up and about, Nav. You were minutes away from dying when Twilight got there to stabilize you. Even then, you still almost died. It took me and Luna both to bring you back. You should get full mobility back, eventually. Your hair and your feathers will take longer to grow back. I don't even want to talk about the rest of the damage." I saw her shudder. "I can bring Taya here if you want. She seemed to think you'd never want to see her again."

"Bring me clothes and a mirror." My stomach growled rather loudly. I ignored it. She didn't move. "Please?"

"If I leave this room, you won't try to stand up?"

"I won't," I lied. Her horn glowed.

"Nav…"

"I will not be locked in a bloody bed. I am getting up and I am going to see my daughter. I will do that naked if I have to."

"Fine! If you can stand up and walk to me, I'll get your clothes. I don't think you want a mirror yet."

I slid out of bed. When my feet touched the floor it felt like my knees were breaking. I couldn't stop a flinch, but I clamped my mouth shut. I couldn't keep my wings up and I could barely hold my feet. I managed a shuffle of sorts, and made my way slowly to Celestia, limp, featherless wings hanging behind me. I'm sure I looked like a bloody fallen angel. I stumbled slightly once, and Celestia was at my side faster than I made it to Taya a week before. I weakly pushed her away and made as if I was going to the door. She barred my path with a wing.

"You've proven your point. Nurse!" A pony stuck his head in the door and saw me standing and just gaped. "I know. Go get his belongings. I can't believe I'm letting you do this…" she said when the nurse left.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bad influence on you, Princess. Where are we?"

"The palace. Twilight and Taya are nearby." She probably expected me to go rushing off to find them if she told me where. At the point, the only rushing I was going to be able to do was to the ground.

"I don't suppose you have some manner of cane?"

"Would a walker work?"

"…I'll manage." The nurse brought my bag. I assumed all the clothing I had been wearing was destroyed. In the bag was my crossbow—which I had thankfully left in my room—the naga knife, a few sets of clothes, and some bandoliers of throwing knives. I grabbed the clothes. I fell on my ass trying to put on pants, and it felt like I shattered my entire body when I did it. I couldn't stop tears of pain from coming out, but I managed to not yell in pain. I slowly got up and finished getting dressed. Celestia just shook her head.

Since Celestia refused to bring me a mirror, I grabbed the naga knife. It somehow survived the fire, though the sheath was gone. It was still mirror-reflective though.

I was bad. Very bad. My gasp of horror and revulsion alerted the princess, who snatched the knife from my hands with magic. I glared at her. "Don't try to protect me from myself." I relaxed my gaze a bit. "Taya is going to be terrified when she sees me…"

"If you think you look bad now, you should have seen yourself a week ago. Luna was almost sick when she did. Taya will be fine." She passed the dagger back, and I slipped it into my pack and threw the pack into a corner. My entire body felt sunburned, leathery. The pressure of the clothes on my body was enough to make me want to give in and get back in bed.

I turned to Celestia. "Where are they?"

"And you said you would be a bad parent," she muttered. "Follow me, if you can," she said louder.

I put a hand on her side to steady myself, and followed her out like that. I hope that day was the most painful thing I'll ever do in my life, because I don't think I'll be able to survive anything worse.

Taya and Twilight weren't far from my room, thankfully. I was somewhat wondering why there was a damn hospital wing in the palace when we stopped. I was pretty sure if I looked back I would see a trail of bloody footsteps.

I didn't look back.

Instead, I looked into the room we were in front of, and saw Twilight looking out at me, mouth wide open.

"How are you…? Princess, why did you let him out?"

I pushed my way past her and saw Taya on the bed. I heard them talking behind me, but I stopped listening.

Her head was buried in the pillow and I could hear her crying. _She has to be dehydrated by now…_

I put my hand on her back and felt her flinch. She didn't pull her head up, though.

"Taya, daughter, what's wrong?"

She said something through the pillow. I barely made it out, "Don't call me that."

"Taya is your name, and you are my daughter. Why are you crying?"

More mumblings. "I almost killed you. I used magic against you! You hate me!"

"I will never hate you. If you knew the effort it took for me to get here and tell you that, you would understand."

She didn't say anything.

"Look at me, honey." Her horn glowed and I was lifted off my feet. "Taya?"

She looked up at me through a haze of tears, and gasped. "You're… real…"

"Yep. Why am I floating?"

"I can't use magic in the dreams…" She set me down. "Why don't you hate me?" she said through her tears.

"Accidents happen. Twilight had something similar happen to her."

"Accidents don't usually almost kill you..."

"With great power comes great responsibility. And the great potential for disaster. Which is why you have a teacher. I know you were given leave to practice magic, but what where you doing?"

"One of Pinkie Pie's sisters came by and wouldn't stop knocking and knocking. I tried ignoring her, but she wouldn't go away. I got so angry, and my horn started glowing… I woke up when you touched me… Daddy, you looked so awful!" she sobbed.

I held her in my arms, through the pain. "I'm better now. Mostly. I'll be here a few more days and then I can go home. You and Twilight can head on back now, and continue your studies. You need to make sure this doesn't happen again, where someone less resilient might find you."

"I… I don't know if I want to keep studying magic. Not after… that."

"Magic is a dangerous tool. But it _is _a tool. It does what the wielder wants, until you make a mistake. If you want a weapon, you get a weapon. But you don't have to want a weapon. There are plenty of ways magic can help people. Healing, teleporting, manipulating items. And there are always a few out there that _do _want to make weapons, and you might be called on to help stop them. It is unlikely to find another in your or my lifetime, but you never know. But as long as you learn to control it, magic will do whatever you want it to. No one will make you study it, but I think you should, and that you'd like it." I'm afraid of magic, but I'll not let her stop studying just because she fucked up once.

"I'll… try." I nodded, and let her go.

"I'm sorry to stop by and leave so soon, but I think I need to go lie down again."

"I understand, dad. You go rest."

I turned to find Celestia and Twilight looking at me.

"Shut up, Celestia," I said. Twilight looked insulted on her behalf, but Celestia just shook her head and carried me back with magic.

She gently set me in the bed. "So what's with the straps, anyway?" I asked.

"Every time anypony came to heal you, you struggled like a madpony. At least once a day you tried to slide out of the bed without a word. Today is the first day you've managed to talk, and make it more than a few feet without collapsing."

"Huh. How long will I be in here?"

"Until your skin isn't harder than my hoof and more sensitive than your eye."

"Fair enough. Now that I'm awake and able to talk, do you think you can heal me instantly and just let me sleep off the shock?"

"We could. I had something else in mind." Just then, Twilight and Taya came in. "Twilight, take it away."

"This patient is complaining of terrible burns. Healing him fully in one sitting would be too draining for any but the strongest unicorns, and it might kill the patient. Blah blah blah." She didn't actually say that, I just don't feel like writing the crap she said.

I suppose that's one way to teach magic. Celestia stood by idly, ready to step in if needed.

The next few days were a bit torturous, but I slowly got better. Taya slowly learned how to heal, and I got a little less terrifying to look at each visit.

Luna and Celestia both came to visit me a few times. Neither mentioned the Gala or the aftermath, which I was somewhat thankful for. We talked a bit, though, about eternal, or at least a really long, life. And Celestia delivered the promised talk about the revelations I had after the pirate attack.

She came to visit me one morning not long after she raised the sun. I was awake, reading a book from the royal library that Twilight was kind enough to bring me. Celestia entered without a word and walked up to my bed wearing the sad smile she seems to wear so well.

"I'm growing weary of these walls," I said as I put the book down. "I don't suppose I can leave soon?" It had only been three days since I woke up.

"I'm afraid not," she answered. "You still have much healing to go. I'm still not certain how you are still alive, but that isn't why I'm here. I think we need to have a talk, Navarone," she said with a grim firmness.

"I am listening, Princess," I answered.

She sighed, as though uncertain how to begin. I'm pretty sure that was a masquerade—Celestia is a lot wiser and smarter than she lets on, something that I'm slowly learning over the years. "Your mind is fraying, Navarone," she finally said. "I did not know the causes of it until you mentioned it. Post traumatic stress disorder, you called it. Tell me more about it."

I told her what all of I knew, which to be quite honest wasn't that much. I didn't spend my time dealing with stuff like that back home.

"And you think you're going through that?" she asked.

"I know I am," I answered. "If Pinkie ever hits me with a surprise party there's a chance I might react violently before I realize what happened. I've lost a lot of patience for regular ponies. I find it even harder than usual to care about gossip or the like. I'm happy alcohol supplies are so limited, because if they weren't I would probably drink myself to sleep every night so I could avoid the dreams that occasionally hit me." I shrugged. "It's what happens when you take an unprepared person and put them in high stress situations where they have no training and no coping mechanisms. It's a good thing I didn't care about any of the slaves we lost, or I might be even more fucked up."

She looked a bit shocked at that. "So this was my fault," she whispered.

I blinked. "Not really. You didn't have anything to do with my first kill. I did that to myself. You didn't really help, but I don't really think it was your fault."

"I ordered you into Egypt," she asserted.

"Someone had to go. If you need me to tell you that being a leader is hard and that it involves sacrifices, I think your memory might just be shot. You've been ruling forever; surely you know what dirty jobs entail. There's no reason for you to pretend with me."

She smiled darkly. "Fine. Shoot through my disguise. That doesn't change the fact that you are unwell. I will admit ignorance in how to deal with this sickness, though."

"We never found a cure. We never found a cure for any mental illness, not really. Hell, I don't think we really understood most of them. As I said to the unicorns, though: friendship and support can do a lot."

"But are you willing to give friendship a chance to help you? Or will you retreat within yourself as you did on the boat?"

I looked down for a moment. "I hate relying on others. Always did. I figured that if I couldn't solve my own problems then I didn't deserve to have them solved." I looked up to her. "You can't fight something like this with that attitude. I'll try, but I can give no promises."

"You haven't failed me yet," she said. "Please don't start now. You shouldn't be forced to live your life plagued from the memories of a few short events."

"Should and would build no bridges," I answered sadly.

She nodded slowly.

One time they both came to visit at once. "Both princesses, eh? I must be about to die again." That was far from the truth. I was almost well enough to leave, actually, and I was quite looking forward to it.

"Nav, we've been putting this off, but…" Luna began, and stopped.

Celestia sighed, and said, "There were some unintended consequences from what Taya did."

"Is she going to be okay?" All traces of my bettering mood were lost.

"_She _is going to be fine," Luna said.

"Then there's something wrong with me? Or Pinkie Pie's sister?"

"Do you not think it important to learn names? Anyway, she'll be fine. It's you. You were so close to death…"

I started getting it. "You… didn't. Please tell me you didn't."

"There are a few dead trees in the garden now, Navarone," Luna said.

I closed my eyes and leaned back. "How long?" is all I managed.

They took a second before answering. "At least a thousand years. We can't know."

"Who knows?"

"You and us," Celestia said.

"Taya… I'm going to watch her die. Hold her in my arms, feel her last heartbeat, her last gasp of breath, see her eyes glaze over… All of them…"

"You would have died," Luna said. "You would have died, and then where would Taya have been?"

"Don't you—" I stopped, realizing I was yelling. "There is so much I want to say, and I'm not going to say a word of it. It's done. I guess we'll find out what the future will bring. Together, for what it's worth."

"It's worth a lot more than you think, Nav," Celestia said. Her normally beautiful eyes were downcast, leaden. It broke my heart a bit to see that.

I closed my eyes again, and said, "I could give you both this entire world. Nothing left but ponies. No cats, no naga, no dogs, no dragons. Nothing sapient but ponies…"

"What about griffons?" Luna asked, jokingly.

"I still haven't met one of those," I said, feeling very tired. "I suppose I have all the time in the world to, now."

"That is not how you rule a world, Navarone," Celestia said. "We ponies are on top because we work with the other races, not because we subjugate and destroy them."

"I figured you would say that. Once my daughter is dead, I'll help you however you ask." A thought occurred to me. "Can I tell anyone about this? My aging, I mean."

"As long as you tell them it was only an accidental byproduct of the healing and not something we did on purpose, yes," Celestia answered. _Well, at least now I have something to tell Fluttershy._

There was a long pause. They turned to go. Celestia left. Luna paused, turned, said, "Nav…"

I answered, "Is there ever such a thing as happily ever after?"

She took a step toward me. "There are worse things than living forever." Another step. "Celestia didn't mention this, but…" Another step. "We can take that extra life we gave you just as easily as we gave it." Another step. She was right at the foot of my bed, looking down on me. "But we might overshoot, take too much. If the choice was living for a thousand years or living for one, which would you take?"

"If you take a little too much life, why can't you just give me more? Keep going back and forth until you get it right?"

"Because it doesn't work like that. If we took too much from you, and left you with just a minute of life, you'd die before we knew how much longer you had. You age based on the life you have left. Right now you have a few thousand years. You'll effectively stop aging. You'll heal and grow as normal. Faster, possibly—neither of us have been badly injured, so we haven't tested that, but you're doing great right now. But if I started taking life from you, and I took too much, you could age too fast for me to give you anything back."

"So my choices are eternity or early death."

"Not eternity, unless you wish it. There are trees aplenty. Celestia and I… I shouldn't even say this, but we're happy. Not happy for your sorrow, but happy because we're not so alone anymore. You're the best thing to happen to either of us in thousands of years. If you spend the rest of your life hating us, remember that we only did it for you." She bent over, touched my leg with her horn, and healed me the rest of the way. "I'm sorry you're not happy about it, but I'm not sorry it happened." She turned to leave.

I almost stopped her. Almost told her, 'When the seven years ends, find me.' I almost did… But almost doesn't mean anything, in the long run.

She left.

I lay in bed for a long time, thinking.

When Twilight and Taya came by, they found me pacing erratically. "What's wrong?" Twilight asked, "And why are you out of bed?"

I looked at her with bloodshot eyes. I don't know if they were like that from lack of sleep or if I had been crying. I just know she blanched upon seeing me. "Later," is all I said, and grabbed my pack from where it rested. "Let's go home."

"So soon? You still have more healing to do," Twilight said.

"Daddy? Are you okay?" Taya asked, sounding worried. Hearing her voice almost made me cry, if I hadn't been before or if I had anything left to give.

"As well as I'm going to be for a while. Luna healed me the rest of the way, but they left me with an affliction worse than I had. Let's go home."

"You're not making any sense, Nav. Are you sure you're okay?" Twilight said.

"They made me immortal on accident," I said.

That stopped them.

"They… what?" Twilight asked, dumbfounded.

"They couldn't heal me normally, so they did something drastic. They think they accidentally gave me a thousand years or so of life."

"Nav, that's impossible!"

"Remember Trixie?" Twilight most certainly did. "It is possible. It just isn't well known magic."

"I don't understand…" Taya said. "Why are you sad?"

"I hate to pull this card on you, but you're too young to understand. I might be able to explain it to you when you're older, but for now… Let's go home."

"Do you want me to talk to Princess Celestia for you? She might know some way to reverse it…" Twilight said.

"No. There is a way to reverse it, but it has a pretty high chance of killing me. I'll just ride it out. I'm sure they'll find ways to keep me busy."

"You seem to be taking this kind of... nonchalantly."

I looked at Twilight again. I made sure she saw my eyes, everything I was hiding inside. My fists clenched so tight they popped. "You have never seen me act on my anger. Be glad," I said in the tightest voice I had. I breezed past them both into the corridor, and started walking to what I was hoping was an exit. Part of my storm had passed by the time they caught up, and I was mostly in control again by the time we reached an exit.

"We need to stop by my place before we leave, Nav," Twilight said. I started walking that way, and they followed.

The wind felt so weird on my barren wings. They had just started itching over the past few days, and I could see the beginnings of new feathers growing in. Hair on my body was starting to poke out a bit, too, but I could barely see it. I predicted an itchy month.

I got even more looks than usual from the ponies on the way to Twilight's house. After my two jaunts in Egypt, a lot of ponies would hail me on the streets of cities like Canterlot. Now, they took one look at me, and my eyes, and decided maybe they didn't want to say anything right then. We left a trail of silence in our wake.

When we got to Twilight's pad, I looked out the window for a bit, just thinking.

"Nav, we have everything. Are you ready?" Twilight asked.

I turned to face them. "Don't tell the others," I said. They nodded. "Let's go."

"I used to like trains," I said. We were on the train to Ponyville now. "Back on Earth, I mean. I didn't get the chance to use them often, and when I did it was like a novelty ride, something from history. The place I came from, we preferred personal transportation over mass transportation, so we canned our trains for the most part. When I came here and found they were big, I was happy to hear it. Finally, I thought, a chance to do something I like doing, and possibly for a good reason." I paused, then continued, slower. "But then I got wings. Now, trains are just a way of getting from point A to point B faster than I can fly. Sitting on trains is hard, since I can't lean back. Standing on them in a pain, since I wouldn't take a train anywhere I could easily fly to, meaning anywhere we're going is a pretty long distance away. It's a tradeoff of sorts, I suppose…" Taya and Twilight were dozing, Taya lying across my lap. I was whispering, and gently stroking Taya's mane.

We could have walked to town. It really isn't that far, would have taken us a few hours. Or we could have asked Celestia for transportation. But I didn't feel like seeing her. So instead we settled for a train.

It was pretty late at night by the time we got home. I carried Taya in and marveled at how much heavier she felt. I know she was getting heavier now that she actually had a good bit of time to eat, but I wouldn't be surprised if some of my muscle mass had actually been burned away. If nothing else, some of it was probably eaten away in my nearly two weeks spent in bed. I just knew that soon I wouldn't be able to carry her anymore, and she wouldn't be able to sleep on my back.

When I put Taya to bed, I went to the library. Twilight was there waiting for me.

"What kind of life do I have to look forward to?" I asked her. "In less than five years I have led an army, multiple war bands, I have murdered and killed, I have felled assassins, I have tortured, I have loved and lost and more. All in less than five years. What will a thousand bring? Two? Three?"

She sighed. "I do not know, Nav. You came here in a volatile time, when much is changing. The two princesses control the world, in more ways than most ponies realize. Their moods affect the overarching world situation. When Princess Celestia is feeling a negative emotion, more bad things happen during the day. When Luna is feeling negative, more bad things happen at night. Good moods are positive. And they can be opposite, with Luna happy and Princess Celestia angry. When Princess Celestia ruled alone, she took both day and night to her moods. The first two hundred years after Luna was banished, the world entered a virtual dark age. Princess Celestia slowly got better. And then Luna came back. The world was still reeling when you came. Luna fell in love with you, and Princess Celestia fell into a small depression over her sister's feelings and the pain that was sure to come from them. The situation in the Middle East happened. Luna learned the truth, and her spike of anger and sorrow brought about the Egypt mess you just got back from. Some good and some bad.

"What you have to remember, Nav, is that the princesses are still ponies, eternal and powerful or not. They will have mood swings, and the mood of the world will shift. Sometimes that will help us all and sometimes it will hurt us all. Who can an eternal princess turn to if she wants to talk about some private feeling that she doesn't want her sister to know about? Not a servant, as that would not be proper. Not a student, for the same reason. They have had almost no friends to speak of, as most ponies live such short lives compared to them. Some pains they had to keep inside for a long, long time."

"And now there's me. Another immortal giant of sorts. Not by choice, not something I wanted, but something I have. And I have no power to worry about, no say in what happens in the world. All I can do is try to keep them happy, I suppose, when you're all gone. But there's one thing I worry about, Twilight: My mind. Human minds can start breaking down around age sixty, and are usually gone by age one hundred. Will that be relative age, or literal age?" And that's not even mentioning the PTSD shit I was going through.

"Pony minds are the same way. Princess Celestia is eccentric at times, but she isn't insane. Neither of them are. But she was born into her role, as far as history records. You might be different. It will be interesting to find out."

"Shame that, you know, you won't be able to. At least if all goes well I'll be able to know my great-great-great-grandchildren. Though I don't know if they'll know me…"

"What would we tell the others, if they ask why you're not aging anymore?"

"I'll tell them. I've got a bit to talk to Fluttershy about, but it'll have to come later. I haven't had a good, long break in a while." I ran my hand over my head, forgetting I didn't have any hair left. "I need to recuperate, and dealing with Fluttershy will add more bloody stress. Still, I know I have to." _Assuming she doesn't get pissed and just refuse to see me._ _Which would be for the best._

"It's perfectly reasonable for you to wait a few days after something like this, Nav. Getting back from a long, dangerous trip, almost getting killed, and then getting the worst news of your life takes a lot out of somepony, even you."

"It is reasonable to wait, but it isn't fair to Fluttershy, or at least I don't think it is. But first, we both need sleep."

"Are you sure you'll be able to sleep?"

"There's a bit more of your innocence. Nothing better made to help you sleep than stress and adrenaline. When it all winds down, you go from completely wired to crashed. It's like meth."

"Meth?"

"A human drug that gives massive amounts of energy at the cost of your body and mind. It can keep you awake for days at a time, but you'll have little control of yourself while doing it and when you crash, you can sleep for over a day. And it's incredibly addictive."

"Humans are crazy…"

"Yeah. I'm going to bed." And despite what I said, I did end up lying in bed, trying to sleep, for a long time.

And when I finally did get to sleep, it proved no safe hiding place from my mind. I didn't remember a single one of the dreams, but I woke up several times during the night.


	33. Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-One—Long talks and rave parties

When I finally got up I felt even worse than I had when I went to bed. I decided to mutter obscenities while I put on my desert clothes; they were decent to wear in the heat, and they drew little attention to the fact that my wings were fucked up. I left the hood off, because that would draw even more attention. I hid a few throwing knife belts around me just because.

I was checking a few more of the hidden compartments in the library when I heard Rarity's unique screech of horror behind me. "Yes, Rarity?" I asked, while reaching up for another hidden alcohol compartment. _I have way too many of these._

"_What are you wearing?_" she demanded.

"Clothes. And I don't care what the local fashion is right now, I'm not changing."

"Nav, you don't understand! Looking like that, you'll soon START the new local fashion!"

"Welp, I'm going to go change…" I downed a good shot of booze._ I really need to stop doing this…_ Drinking, that is, not antagonizing Rarity. "Oh, that reminds me of something, actually," I said, turning to face her. "Your ugly outfit saved my life in Egypt. Next time you'll have to try harder to make something that makes me an even more defenseless target."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I've never made an ugly outfit!"

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway, if you're looking for Twilight, I don't think she's here. I think she and Taya went off somewhere. I'm somewhat surprised by that, given how early it is…"

"I passed by them on the way here, actually. They asked me to tell you they were going to go help one of Fluttershy's little animal friends. The poor beast hurt itself, and I suppose Taya needs some healing practice. Though I figured she would have gotten plenty with what happened to you."

"More practice is always better than less practice." There was a pause. "Oh, you were wanting gossip." There was a longer pause.

"Well, now that you mention it…" An even longer one. "Well?"

"Do you want the story I should probably tell people, or the story I'm only going to tell people if they ask?"

"If you put it like that, you're begging somepony to ask."

"I'm telling someone they can ask, but that it isn't necessarily something I _want _to talk about, just something I will if they ask. That means they have to judge whether or not they want to risk hurting either my feelings or our friendship in order to find out some interesting details."

"…So what's the full story?"

"Taya fucked up her magic somehow and I caught the brunt of it. Celestia and Luna managed to keep me alive, but had to give me at least a thousand extra years of life to do it. So when you're bones, I'll still be up and kicking."

"So… what's the _true _story?"

"That was the true story. The healing magic they used was some ancient stuff, used in only the most life-threatening cases, by melding night and day magic. I wish I had been awake to see it, though it probably would have been similar to their truth ceremony."

"So you're going to live for over a thousand years."

"Assuming I don't get killed, probably. It's hard to know for sure."

"I can just imagine your effect on fashion now… I bet you're going to spend all your life crusading against it!"

"If I ever gave it a thought, I would. I dislike it, but I don't care enough to actually do anything to it. Some people are into it, for whatever stupid reason, so there's no reason for me to fight it. Still, I'm surprised that's the first place your mind went to."

"It's no business of _mine _how long you live. I wish you luck in your life. And when fashions I create today stay famous all through your life, be sure to remind everyone just who it was that came up with them! That's how _I _will live forever."

"If you ever get famous, I'll be sure to let everyone know I wore your clothes before they were popular, and that they saved my life on at least one occasion." _Wait, shit, does that make me a hipster?_

She nodded as if that's what she fully expected. "At least Princess Celestia and Luna will have somepony else around for company. For some reason, I keep thinking Princess Celestia is really bored, even though she hasn't given any indication to me otherwise."

"I'm sure they'll find ways to keep me occupied over the centuries. It hasn't even been five years and they've already come up with several ways to try to get me killed. Maybe the world will calm down soon. God knows I need a bloody break…"

"You could just start refusing to help her. Though honestly, that seems like a bad idea."

"After this, I think she knows I need a break. I was minutes from death. I've acceded to her requests so far because she had good reasons. There is almost nothing she could say that would get me to leave Ponyville for more than a day right now."

"So what are you going to do about Fluttershy?"

"I plan on dealing with that situation as I see fit."

"You sound like you need some advice."

"You sound like you're going to give me advice whether I want it or not," I riposted.

"What you want isn't always what you need. Did you try telling her how you feel?"

"I have heard that you should never accept advice about women from a woman, because none of them have any idea what they really want, just what they think they want."

"That sounds like advice from a bitter old stallion. An unmarried bitter old stallion." I decided not to tell her about anything else I heard about the same subject.

"I'll manage, one way or another. I've faced off two angry princesses and an army. What more could anyone throw at me?"

"Beware the wrath of a mare scorned. Though if you've dealt with both of the princesses being mad at you, it sounds like you've already faced that."

"No more gossip for you. I was going to go talk to Fluttershy now, but with Twilight and Taya over there, I think I'll wait."

"In that case, do you think you can explain something to me?"

"I might be able to."

"I was talking to one of my fashion contacts recently, wondering why I hadn't gotten any big orders in such a long time. Apparently I and a sexy white pegasus stallion were arrested for treason half a year ago, and all of my contacts and clients thought I was either in jail or dead."

"You? In the company of a sexy stallion? Who did you blackmail to make that happen?"

A magic pimp slap later—which I consider unfair—she said, "What confuses me is that I don't remember getting arrested. Or convicted. And I got to thinking about it, I really don't remember any of the last few days of our little fashion trip. I asked our friends if any of them knew anything. At the time, only Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack were here. Fluttershy refused to answer. Rainbow Dash very quickly feigned ignorance and zoomed off. Applejack and Pinkie Pie just had no clue. Now what would cause Fluttershy to refuse to answer a harmless question like that?"

"I don't know."

"I'm pretty sure you do know. I saw a lot of papers on her table when I was over there the last time. They had the look of your writing on them. Since you were the only other witness I have to the events back then, and she has papers that you wrote, I think it's possible you wrote down what really happened, and that what really happened was us getting arrested. So why don't I remember it?"

"Because Celestia and I decided it wasn't something you should remember. You were a bit perturbed with how it turned out."

"How did it turn out?"

"We're both alive and out of jail."

"Then why was I upset?"

"Because you're a woman and you decided to be difficult?"

Another pimp slap later—on the other cheek, at least—she said, "Why do I have the feeling that there's more to it than that?"

"Because there is, probably. And if you hit me again, I'm hitting you back."

She gave me that look that all women seem to know, that 'yeah right' look. She didn't hit me again, though. Which is good, because I didn't want to have to chase her down in town while she was screaming about the human trying to attack her.

"So what else is there to it? And why don't I remember it?"

"Telling you that would go against the whole not letting you remember thing. It's enough to know that we're here now. And if it makes you feel any better, the prison cell was really cold and you made me cuddle with you the whole time we were in it."

"Why would that make me feel better?"

"Because you seem to think I'm sexy as a pony. You got the chance to capitalize on that a bit. More than a bit, actually. If any of your contacts ask, tell them I got us a royal pardon. If they ask how, wink coquettishly and tell them that there are ways a sexy male model can make a princess happy."

She looked disgusted at that. "Navarone! That's base, even for you! Suggesting that Princess Celestia would… Wait. Would she?"

"You'll just have to take my word for it, seeing as how you don't remember. And since that male model no longer exists, the paparazzi would have a hard time tracking him down to confirm the story one way or another."

"Or I could get Fluttershy to tell me. Or maybe Rainbow Dash, though I don't know why you would have told her anything."

"Rainbow Dash doesn't know how to keep her nose away from where it doesn't belong. Good luck getting her to tell you anything, after what has been promised for her if she talks. Fluttershy… Could you really forgive yourself for making Fluttershy talk about something she has been asked not to discuss? Just imagine what it would do to her mind to betray a friend like that, or to be trapped between betraying a friend and letting a friend down."

"I hate how you always do that!" she muttered, and then tried flirting: "So what will it take to get the truth?"

"We've been over this. I'm not attracted to ponies. And I'm not like those stallions you usually twist around your finger anyway: If I'm promised something, I'll collect. Which is why you're not getting this information." She pouted at that. I ignored it. "Feel free to ask Celestia, if you want. I'm sure she would love to discuss something she purposefully made you forget." Her pout turned to horror.

"Since it means that much…" I just looked at her. "Fine! Have it your way." She muttered some other things I pretended to not hear. She finally said, "How about you explain something else, then?" I nodded. "Why aren't you attracted to ponies? I think I look fabulous!"

I rolled my eyes, and I thought for a second she was about to hit me again. "It is somewhat hard to explain, as you don't really have anything analogous to a farm animal here. In my world, horses—and by extension, ponies—are barn animals: Stupid, smelly, somewhat dangerous farm animals." She looked rather indignant at that, and started to form a reply, when I continued. "I know you aren't. Well, most of you aren't. Intellectually I know that. But I would never have sex with an animal, and I would never be attracted to one. It takes some effort to get me willing to even think about a pony that way. Hell, I don't imagine any of you find me overly attractive, either."

She couldn't really argue that, and I don't think she wanted to think about it anymore. I had given her a rather new perspective. She changed the subject with, "Since I haven't had any big orders, I've had a bit of free time. Do you have any reading suggestions? It has been a while since I opened a book."

We had a considerably friendlier discussion about books until Applejack and Rainbow Dash showed up. Rarity grabbed a few of the books I suggested and left before much was said between them.

"So Nav, how you feeling?" Applejack asked.

"Better. Not saying much when you were minutes from death, but it's the truth. I still feel terrible."

"Good!" Rainbow Dash said. At my look, she amended, "That you're feeling better. Not that you're still feeling bad. When Pinkie told us how you were, we were all so worried… I tried to visit, but Princess Celestia wouldn't let anypony in to see you." I swept the cover from my wings and Rainbow Dash flinched. Applejack just stared.

"If you think this is bad, you should have seen me before. I wasn't awake for the first week, so I don't know how bad it was then, but when I finally woke up my entire body still looked and felt leathery. Hurt like a bitch, too. I'm alive, though, and that's all that matters."

"How's Taya doin'?" Applejack asked. "I know she was feeling pretty bad…"

"She's also doing much better. As soon as I woke up I talked to her. She helped with the healing, to try to learn more magic."

Rainbow Dash suddenly grabbed my head and jerked it to her face. She eyed the top of it suspiciously. "Why is your mane growing in green?"

"…What?"

Applejack took a look. "Now that you mention it, it does look greenish. How could healing cause that?"

Just then it hit me that no one had ever tried taking the life force of a tree before. There was no telling what kind of surprises I had in store… "That's one of the side effects of one of the procedures the princesses had to do to keep me alive. An untested procedure, apparently, because none of them mentioned this."

"One of the side effects? What are the others?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"An incredibly long life, for one. I don't know about any others. I wasn't expecting the hair, that's for sure."

"How long?" Applejack asked.

"Around a thousand years."

"That's…" Applejack began, and faltered.

"AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash finished. Not quite what Applejack was going to say, I'm sure. "Do you think they could do that for me?"

"I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone. I've talked to Celestia and Luna both for a long time about the pros and cons of living a long time. From their descriptions, long life isn't all it's cracked up to be."

"Well yeah, if you're a princess! But you have no responsibilities, Nav. You can do whatever you want for all that time and never have to worry. I know if I lived that long, I would join the Wonderbolts and spend the rest of my life learning newer and better tricks! It would be so cool…" Applejack just stared at her with a half-smile before shaking her head.

She said, "If I was forced to live like that, I don't think I'd spend all my life apple farming. I like it, but there's so much more to life… Either way, I don't think I'd want that kind of long life."

"Me either. But I'm stuck with it. And as to responsibilities? Do you really think Celestia is going to stop getting me to do stuff just because I won't die any time soon? And the more I help her, the more she'll trust me. With that trust comes more and more responsibilities. And don't think I can tell the princess no. A thousand years is a long time to be locked up."

"I don't think she would ever lock you up, Nav. She might give you to Luna for a few years, but I don't think she would actually lock you up," Rainbow Dash said. Applejack looked at her confusedly. _At least Applejack doesn't know anything yet…_

I waved that away. "She probably wouldn't lock you up either. Do you still want to try telling her no when she asks you to do something?"

"She probably wouldn't ask me to do something dangerous."

"It's a moot point anyway. I've already promised her my help in whatever she needs in a few years."

"Are you sure that's smart?" Applejack asked. "Whatever she needs is a pretty broad subject."

"She knows I'm not a servant. Or at least, not a common servant. I don't think she'll have me wasting my time. And at least living in the palace will be pretty nice. This tree gets a bit drafty."

"So does the palace, if you mess with the wrong ponies…" Rainbow Dash muttered. Louder, she said, "You have only yourself to blame if Luna—" I held up a hand to forestall her and cocked my head a bit.

We waited a second like that. Applejack said, "What?"

"I thought I heard something," I said.

And then the window exploded, bringing in a flying and shrieking Pinkie Pie. She collided with Applejack and Rainbow Dash both, somehow, and managed to knock just about every single book off the shelves.

"Another window…" I sighed. "Twilight's going to be pissed."

Of course, none of the three of them were harmed in the slightest. "What the fuck kind of cartoon world do I live in?" I asked. "Am I the only one here that ever gets hurt?"

Instead of answering, Applejack said, "Nice of you to drop in, Pinkie. Now would you mind getting off me?"

"Oh, sorry!" They all got up. "Last time I touch any of the Cutie Mark Crusaders' projects."

"What were they building, a bloody trebuchet?" I asked.

"I don't know, but it looked neat. I just sat down and Sweetie Belle accidentally hit a lever when she turned her head. Next thing I know I'm flying." I just shook my head. "So how are you, Nav? You weren't doing so well the last time I saw you…"

"The last time you saw me you screamed in horror. That's actually the last thing I remember before I blacked out. Now I'm doing a bit better. And I'm not as horrifying to look at, just back to my mostly typical human self."

"With a green mane," Applejack added.

"And with a thousand extra years of life," Rainbow Dash said.

"A green mane? How did that happen?" _Oh, Pinkie Pie…_

"Blame the princesses. That's what happens when you let them do experimental procedures."

"Well, you're alive, and that's all that counts. I saw Taya and Twilight earlier, helping Fluttershy. I'm glad Taya's doing good, too. I know if I almost killed my dad… Well, I'm glad I didn't."

"Speaking of which, how did your family handle that?"

"Well enough. My parents were worried, of course. And after you were taken away, my mom was horrified at what happened to my room. My sisters were terrified of Taya after that. The naga that's living with them is actually the reason you're still alive. He risked his life to go down the well to get Twilight." I thought it likely that he grabbed my dagger and used that to keep himself safe, but whatever. It was nice of him, anyway.

Just then the fillies showed up, chasing down Pinkie Pie. They asked after her and my health and all that. I didn't mention my long life to them. We all had a decent conversation before Twilight and Taya came back.

"So what happened to my window this time, Rainbow Dash?" Twilight asked as she walked in, crunching on broken glass.

"Hey, don't look at me!" said an indignant Rainbow Dash.

"So whose fault was it?"

Pinkie Pie pointed at Sweetie Belle. Rainbow Dash, Sweetie Belle, and Applejack pointed at Pinkie Pie. Applebloom for some reason pointed at me. Scootaloo pointed at Sweetie Belle.

"General consensus says Pinkie Pie," Twilight said. "So Pinkie Pie, what happened to my window this time?"

"Traitors," she muttered, and then said, "Oh, you know how it is, Twilight. I just wanted to drop in on Navarone, see how he was doing."

"And my window?"

"I dropped in, like I said."

"Uh huh. And the books?" We all looked at Pinkie Pie again, making sure the blame stayed on her.

"Dropping in is hard work. Sometimes you don't plan it right and you end up everywhere."

Twilight sighed. "I don't know how you managed to knock all these books loose…"

"And I don't know why you make us pick them up by hand if you can pick orchards of apples and move thousands of torches by magic in an instant," I said, at least making a token effort to defend her.

Twilight opened her mouth. And then closed it.

A few minutes later the room was clean. Before that few minutes were up I was already gone. I slipped out the door while everyone was watching things fly about.

I put the covering back over my wings as I headed to Fluttershy's little house. I really didn't want to do this, but I knew I had to.

I did get a few stares from random ponies on the way to Fluttershy's home. Most of the ponies here were getting used to me, and seeing me wearing what I was, and with no hair to boot, got a few of them confused. I got a few questions, which I answered, but I didn't mention the whole effectively immortal thing.

When I finally got to Fluttershy's house, I found myself stopping in front of her door, one hand raised to knock. _When I knock on that door, everything might change. Again._

I knocked.

No answer. I turned to go.

And found Fluttershy standing behind me. I jumped a bit.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to knock," she said, smiling at my surprise.

"You could have saved me the wait," I answered, trying to cover my nervousness.

"But where would the fun be in that?" She pushed past me and somehow opened the door. I swear, I don't think the doorknobs do anything in this world, that they're just there for show; all the ponies have to do is push a door and it opens. Whenever I try that, though, I have to actually turn the knob. Freaking crazy world. I shut the door behind me.

"So," I said, "I'm going to start with the baseline assumption that you detest me now. That's quite alright, I assure you."

"Why would you think that?" she asked quietly, sitting down on her couch. Various animals around the room were staring at us. I saw Angel amongst the group, who alternated his gaze between me and a large knife on a table. For salad, I suppose. Or for me, if it came down to it.

I settled into a military-style at-ease pose. "That's the general assumption I have whenever I tell anyone anything about me."

"You are not terrible, as you seem to think. You are also not good, as I used to think. You are what you need to be, good or bad or neither." I waited. She eventually continued. "When you told me some of what you've done, I assumed you were trying to scare me away to protect me. And then I started reading. I didn't know how to take it. I went to Pinkie Pie, the only one who I thought could help me. I told her some things I shouldn't have… But she urged me to keep reading. I thought you loved me, and were trying to protect me…"

There was a much longer pause this time. Finally, she sighed. "You don't know how to feel anything," she finally said. "No love in your heart. No loyalty. No hate. You have anger, happiness, and ambivalence. You have a sense of duty, but it is only to whatever helps you."

That hurt me a bit. I opened my mouth to say something, but she continued. "When I brought this up with Rainbow Dash, as you told me to, she actually agreed. And when Pinkie Pie got back and got over the shock of seeing you almost dead, she also agreed, with the reproof that you might be changing. I talked to Taya and Twilight today, and they're the only two I've spoken to that think you have anything inside of you. And Twilight said the change is only recent, when I got her away from Taya for a second." She paused again, and continued. "It took me a whole week of studying your journals to figure that out. If you had come back sooner… Well, you didn't."

_Fuck it._ "You are mostly correct. I also know despair. And dealing with Taya is reawakening some of the emotions in me that I thought long dead. And I'd like to think my loyalty is better than you say. I helped Pinkie Pie with her naga problem when I could have left. I helped Celestia the second time when I could have said no. I helped Rarity with her fashion stuff when I could have told her to bugger off. Hell, I've done most of the things you've all asked me to do. Complaining a lot, sure. But I bloody did them."

"You're good at pretending. I picked up on some comments you made in your journals that gave your true opinions on the matter. When I pointed some of the comments out to Rainbow Dash, she actually started to agree."

"Fine. So you don't hate me. But at the same time you realize I don't feel anything. Where does that leave us?"

"As far as I'm concerned, you're a friend. I don't think you know how to feel anything more than that." I disagreed a bit, but then what do I know? "I feel kind of sorry for Luna, in a way, especially if you're going to be dealing with her and Princess Celestia for so long…"

"So Twilight told you." _After I told her not to._ She nodded. "I was going to use you for more advice, if you took my journals well. You took them a lot better than I thought you would, but not in the right manner. It is yet another matter I will have to muddle through on my own. But it's something I have at least a thousand years to work through."

"More, if you're willing to accept more life from them now that you have what you have."

"I'll see how the first century goes. You can't understand how lonely Celestia and Luna both are. I don't want to let them stay lonely, but at the same time I don't know if I really want to live that long. Or if my mind is capable of surviving that long."

"There you go again, proving my point." I raised my eyebrow. "A real friend would think of others first. So you suffer a bit. If it makes your friends happy is that so wrong?"

"Yes. If you are suffering, your friends shouldn't be happy about whatever is causing it. And if they're happy because of something you are doing that is causing you to suffer, you might need to rethink your friends. Especially if they know it's something that's causing you to suffer."

"Logic doesn't belong in a friendship. And in some ways, it doesn't belong in any manner of relationship. The things you do should be instinctual, not something you mimic or have to bring logic into."

"I disagree. If a relationship is just one person giving and one person taking, that isn't a relationship. It's a leech situation. The princesses are taking from me comfort of sorts, and have given me nothing I want in return. I live forever. But I don't want to live like that. They hurt me to make themselves happy, and that is hardly fair."

"You've lived with us three years, and yet you're still so alien… You've told us about your world, but I don't think any of us ever really _listened_. It's a horrible place, if it has done this to you."

"There are many there that take advantage of people with your mindset. It didn't take me long to learn that, and there was a time I thought exactly as you did. I learned, and I changed. Here, though, there aren't ponies like that. Or rather, I have yet to see any ponies in mainland Equestria that are like that. You don't have to learn that lesson. I did. I learned it, and once you figure it out you can't go back. If that makes me heartless, well, I think we all know the truth to that matter."

She nodded, as if she expected nothing else. She probably didn't, and I can't blame her. "I'm sorry for you, Nav. I know you probably don't understand why, but I am." I like to think I understood perfectly why, but I really don't.

So I said, "What now?"

"We go on living. Maybe you'll make Luna happy one day. We'll all help you with Taya, but Luna is something you'll have to figure out on your own."

All in all, not what I was expecting. Especially not from Fluttershy. But that's life. You get what you get and there's not much else to say about that.

"So what is that other matter you wanted to ask my advice on?"

I was actually tempted to tell her about the 'wager,' but if she told Pinkie Pie about Luna and who knows what else, there's no telling who she might tell what.

"Nothing, lass. You took this in a way I told myself I wouldn't ask if you took it. Though I wasn't really expecting you to figure me out just from reading my journals. Besides, now that I know I can't trust you with the minor stuff, I'm sure not going to risk the major stuff."

"I like to think I learned something about keeping secrets from your journals. I don't think I'll be telling anypony anything else."

"I'm not risking it. This is something that could mean my head, and I know I would deserve the punishment I'd get. So I'll figure it out myself. Like I have with most of my other problems."

"Because you don't trust us, your friends."

"Because I can't trust you. I left my journals here when I went to Egypt the second time. Rainbow Dash and Twilight both went through them. No one else knew where they were. There's no telling what they might have let slip between the two of them, just by accident. And now you know. You know things that are supposed to be state secrets. And you told someone else some of them. Now Pinkie Pie knows. There's no telling what she might let slip on accident. Spike read through the Z entries a while back. And then I find out Rarity knew I was Z. Sure, it was a paper-thin disguise, but who knows what Spike might tell Rarity? And when Rarity wants something, she intends to get it. She already tried blackmailing me once with the Z story. The real question isn't why I don't feel like I can trust you, it's why I'm willing to trust any of you at all."

She looked hurt, and answered in a weak voice, "None of us ever did anything to hurt you with any of what we know."

"And I hope none of you ever do. I hate being betrayed. It has happened too many times by too many people. If any of you betray me, there's a good chance I'll just stop entirely. No more trust at all. Because if I can't trust one of you ponies, there isn't anything anywhere that will hold a secret."

"Is that a compliment?"

"Depends on whether or not I end up betrayed. If anything I told any of you comes back to haunt me, it'll be one of the worst insults you can get. If I don't get betrayed, it'll be the biggest compliment I can give."

"You don't have anything to fear from me, Nav. You know that."

"I thought I knew that. That's why I was willing to trust you with the journals in the first place. And now Pinkie Pie knows. We'll see how that turns out. And Rarity might try to pry some information out of you as well. I think I guilted her out of it, but that doesn't mean she won't change her mind later. The only one that doesn't seem to know anything is Applejack, and that's because I really don't think she cares."

"I know how to deal with Rarity. And you don't have to worry about Applejack. If you can trust anypony, it will be her."

"The fewer people that know a secret, the less the chance that it will be told. I won't have to worry about Applejack if she never finds anything out. Either way, I don't think I'll be letting anyone else read my journals. I'll probably store what of them I have at the palace next time I'm there. Only an idiot would steal my journals from Celestia's private quarters."

"Why would she let you store them there?"

"I wouldn't deliver them there myself, of course. The only reason I don't stop writing and just burn what I have is so that I'll have some manner of account to send back to my family if Twilight or Celestia ever figure out how."

"I thought you weren't that close to your family."

"They deserve to have some answer. I was in bed and then I vanished. If anyone was in the house when I did disappear, I freaked them out when I was screaming. Probably thought I was being kidnapped. Which I was. But they should know what happened, so they can stop worrying."

She nodded at that. "So you do have some heart."

"I tend to do what I think is the right thing. It isn't always the best thing or the most popular thing, but in my mind it is the right thing. I don't know if that means I have a heart or not. Probably not, since that occasionally requires me to kill."

"Killing is never the right thing to do, though. Don't you remember how you felt when you… killed the naga?"

"They would have died anyway. And there was a possibility they'd get to kill some of the naga on our side before they did so. I just sped up the process a bit." Having said that, though, I honestly don't know how the naga on my side would have dealt with the women and children I killed. Thankfully, Fluttershy didn't bring that up.

"And the cats you killed?"

"It was them or me. I don't ask you to excuse what I've done. I feel bad about having to do it, but I would do it all again. All the deaths at my hand were necessary."

"…Calix?"

I flinched slightly. "He was… dangerous." He's the only one I ever had doubts about.

"You murdered him in the middle of a desert and made his death look like bandits, just so you could get a minor advantage over the king."

"He had threatened me and Emerald Script. He had beaten at least one defenseless pony. And both Emerald Script's and Calix's death were planned by Celestia herself anyway. I was just a belated executioner. There's no telling what trouble he could have caused for me or Celestia in Egypt, and if he screwed up I would have been heading back there to fix his mistake. He was a jerk, he was dangerous, and he is dead. Talking won't change that."

"But it might prevent it from happening again. If you're going to live as long as you think, how likely is it that you'll be called upon to help the princess again?"

"Fairly damn likely. I think she'll trust me more, though. Probably enough to tell me if she actually wants me to kill someone."

"And what if you kill somepony that she doesn't want you to?"

"The chances of that happening will hopefully be low. Besides, I'm pretty sure anyone—or rather, any pony—that I kill will be someone she'll be able to agree needs to die. And if not, well, we'll see what'll happen."

"You shouldn't rely on the possibility of Princess Luna still loving you to save you. She might hate you for what you did."

"I'm not relying on that at all. I'm relying on my natural charm and good looks."

She snorted at that.

I said, "I'm a bad influence on you. You used to be a lot nicer. And shyer." _Hell, I'm a bad influence on all of them._

"Another thing I think I might have learned from your journals is the ability to hide at least a little bit of what I feel. It helped when I discovered that you're often just as scared as I am in most situations."

"Only an idiot isn't afraid of scary things. Courage is the ability to overlook that fear and do what needs to be done anyway. Another word for courage is stupidity."

"So what does that make you?" she asked coyly.

"Whatever the situation calls for, I suppose. Generally I have no choice but to be brave. I had to face down Trixie because of the crimes she had committed. I had to kill the naga to help Pinkie Pie. I had to go to Africa the first time because Celestia demanded it. I had to help the slaves because they would have killed Spike otherwise. I had to go back to Africa because Celestia needed me. And I had to fight the assassins because they would have killed me otherwise."

"You always have an excuse, don't you?"

"Not always, but I do my best to come up with them as I can."

We talked for a bit on inconsequential matters. When I finally got up to go, she surprised me with a hug. "You might not be able to love, now," she said, "but I hope you learn one day." She let me go.

"I hope I do, too. I have at least a thousand years to learn, if all goes well."

After finally extricating myself from Fluttershy's humble abode, I headed off to Rarity's shop. The clothes I had been wearing in the fire were one of my better sets, and I wanted them replaced. I also needed a new sheath for the naga knife, if possible. I don't know why I didn't ask her before, but sometimes my memory fails me.

When I entered the shop, I looked in and immediately stopped after a step and a half inside, foot still in the air. Rarity and Applejack stared at me with a deer-in-the-headlight look. They were both wearing the frilliest and gaudiest dresses I have ever seen, and they were sitting down for what looked like tea. I returned the stare for all of a few seconds.

I slowly reversed the direction my foot was heading and silently backed out of the shop, maintaining eye contact until the door was shut. _I don't know. I don't want to know._ Applejack hates wearing things like that, if you couldn't tell. I resolved to knock the next time I came to the shop, in a few days.

With that option being currently blocked, I headed on back to the library, where I found Pinkie Pie watching Taya and Twilight practice some manner of magic or something. I started replacing journal entries while I thought no one was looking. I figured they would be fine there until I could get them to a safer place.

Around a week later, I was finally able to tell for myself that my hair was coming in green. My feathers were coming in white, of course, but all of my hair—arm hair, leg hair, body hair, head hair—was green. Around the time I was able to start noticing my hair, I also stopped getting hungry, for the most part. I was still thirsty, of course, but I rarely felt the pangs of hunger.

Most animals also completely stopped noticing me. Those that could talk—ponies, dragons, and a few naga visitors on their way to Canterlot—could see me fine. Exceptionally intelligent animals, like Angel, could also find me. But to the dumber ones, I might as well have been a tree.

I also stopped sleeping entirely. I still occasionally got tired, mind, but never enough to sleep. Any time I got some decent sunlight I felt fully replenished again.

At that time, it was late August. Celestia, Twilight, and I all theorized that my hair would start changing colors in September and October, and I would start getting tired again. They predicted I would go bald come winter, but I was staying optimistic.

Around the time my hair was finally more than noticeable—about half a month after I left the palace—I was still feeling pretty bloody down about the whole affair. Understandably so, in my mind—alive for… a thousand years. Think about it. Just… _think_. It is a terrifying thought, in my mind, that length of time.

Luna did it—alone. Celestia did it. Hell, I'm sure others have as well. But… me? I couldn't help but shake my head as I walked through town. _I don't want to live like that._ I can't imagine living knowing there might not be an end. Maybe things will get be—"Why so glum?"

I jerked back from the massive pink face that was suddenly in my way. _How did you get on my head?_

Pinkie jumped off me and landed on her feet in front of me and quickly grabbed my upper body and pulled it down to her level so she could look me in the eye. "Well?" she asked with the beginnings of a smile.

"I'm thinking," I answered. I tried to pull myself back up but she didn't let go. "How are you holding onto my shirt? I couldn't do shit like that as a pony."

She finally let me go and I stood up straight. I saw then that the road we were on was somehow empty. It was also getting pretty late, and I suspected it would be dark soon. "P-shaw!" she said, waving her hoof and putting on an incredulous look. "Thinking is overrated, you silly filly!"

"I'm not silly," I said.

"You need to be like me!"

"And I'm older than you." _Or at least, I think I am. How old_ are _these ponies, anyway?_

"Just come with me and let all those nasty thoughts slip away!"

"I'm also not a girl, so filly doesn't even apply."

She grabbed me again and tried to drag me off somewhere. I flared my wings out and dug my heels in.

"I'm fine, Pinkie," I said.

She turned to face me again. "Nuh-uh!"

"Yes I am."

"No you aren't!"

"Yes, I am."

"No you aren't!"

"Yes I am!"

"Yes, you are!" she quickly said. I blinked.

"Good, then we've come to an agreement." Her mouth dropped and her eyes went wide. Even her grip went slack. I walked around her and kept going on the path I had been treading.

I heard her walking—not bouncing, but walking—behind me. "How did you… What did… Huh?"

"You agreed with me so I felt no reason to continue the discourse," I answered. "Or did you actually need something?" I asked, turning to face her again. I saw her looking incredibly confused for all of a moment before her habitual smile returned. She bounced up to me again.

"You need a party!" she said, her voice cheerful again.

"I disagree," I answered. "Is the sane Pinkie there? I would like to talk to her."

Her smile deepened as she shook her head. "Just me!" she replied. "And you can never disagree with a Pinkie Party!" Her smile dropped and she stood on her hind legs to stare me in the eye, one of hers closing and the other seeming to zoom in on me. "_They'll always find you!_" she added, her voice going pretty deep for a second. She dropped back and her smile returned. "So make it easy on me and do this willingly!" she said, her voice back to cheery.

I spread my wings and jumped into the air, only to remember I didn't have any feathers. She leapt at my legs and held me still before I could try to run. "HE'S CHOOSING THE HARD WAY!" she yelled out. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Applejack and Rainbow Dash leap out of an alley. Applejack was whirling a rope around her head, holding it with her mouth.

_Is that a fucking_ lasso?

She let it loose and I barely managed to duck under it. Somehow it landed on Pinkie Pie and before anyone knew what was happening Pinkie was dragged over me and trussed up by Applejack, who promptly face-hoofed. "Dangit, Pinkie!" she groaned.

Rainbow Dash landed a few yards from me, standing in an attack mode. "Don't make me do this, Nav," she warned.

I held my hands up in a placating gesture. "Look, I don't like parties, okay. But I'm not going to fucking fight you guys to avoid it. I know I can't outrun you, Rainbow. Let Pinkie go and I'll go with you." I thought for a moment. "Actually, on second thought, don't let Pinkie go and I'll _happily _go with you."

Rainbow Dash stood down, but I knew she was still prepared to chase me down if I tried to run. Applejack was untying Pinkie Pie, who was giving me a pleased look.

"Why would you just give up that easily?" Rainbow Dash finally asked.

I looked at her. "Rainbow Dash, you _read _my journals. You know how many times I've been…" My eyes flicked to Applejack for a moment. "Well, you know. Some things you just can't fight and there's no reason to even try. Just give in and hope it's as painless as possible."

Rainbow Dash gave me a pitying look before turning her gaze to Pinkie and Applejack. "He really doesn't want to do this. I say we just let him go," she said.

I saw a fire in Pinkie's eyes. "I went through all the trouble to plan this party and he's going to enjoy it!" she asserted, before running up to grab my hand again and dragging me off. I sighed and let her take me away. Applejack and Rainbow Dash followed and I imagined they were sharing a look.

When I saw that Pinkie Pie was leading me to a fucking _cellar_, I ground my heels in and refused to move. "Hell no! Not after last time!" I yelled, ripping my hand away from her and turning to leave.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash casually grabbed my arms and continued dragging me. "You know I don't lie," Applejack said. "And I say it's fine. Just an odd location, is all."

I relaxed a bit. Applejack and Rainbow Dash would never do something like that to me. _I thought the same of Rarity and Pinkie, though…_ Besides, I was a human anyway. They're not attracted to my human body… Right?

"Alright," I said. "You can stop dragging me." I felt their legs drop from my sides and I turned to see the cellar door already open. "Whose house is this, anyway?" I cocked my head, hearing something coming up from the stairs. "And… what's that sound?"

It sounded… mesmerizing. Like nothing I had heard in this world yet… _Techno_. I started smiling.

Pinkie's smile returned when she saw mine. "This isn't a typical Pinkie Party," she said. She led the way down the stairs and I followed her. Applejack and Rainbow Dash fell in behind me and one of them swung the cellar gates closed. When I got in, I heard the music pick up again. When the doors closed, I heard a cheer as the music _really _kicked up. When we got to the bottom, I saw a sight I thought I would _never _see in Ponyland: Fucking ravers!

The smile on my face could mimic Pinkie's on a bad day. I had always wanted to go to a human rave, just once, to see what it was all about. I didn't figure a pony rave would have all the drugs and naked (human) chicks, but ponies tend to make do with what they have.

That said, I can't dance and I really don't like being in the center of attention, so I knew exactly what I would be doing this entire party: Watching from the sidelines.

Then I realized I came here with Pinkie Pie, and that this party was apparently thrown _for _me. _This is going to be interesting._

Pinkie Pie was saying something about the DJ. I heard her saying something about trying to get someone named Scratch, but that she was planning for something huge and couldn't take a break from it. So instead they got a few other people to sub in. The one playing right now was apparently DJ Scoots, or something. I looked at him and I don't think he had any relation to Scootaloo.

He was playing the board pretty well, though. Got my head nodding to the beat, that's for sure. I don't know where Applejack and Rainbow Dash wandered off to, but when I checked they weren't behind me anymore. It was just Pinkie and me on the edge of a large crowd of dancing ponies. I saw a 'bar' type thing set up on one side of the cellar. There were different colored lights hooked to the ceiling, and with the thump of the music and the thump of the hoof beats on the floor from the dancing they were strobing quite a bit.

The DJ was set up at the far end of the cellar that seemed to be quite a bit larger than physically possible. There were two massive speakers set up to the sides of the table, and there was some manner of board or something the DJ was playing on—I couldn't tell from where I was.

Pinkie Pie was still trying to drag me, but I put up all the stops this time. There was no way she was going to drag me onto that floor. I would pull out my dagger and cut off my arm before I let that happen. I would explain that to her, but she wouldn't be able to hear me—or would pretend to not hear me.

So I ripped my hand from her grasp. It was a lot harder than it should have been, what with her not having any fingers. I backed my way up to a wall and stood there watching.

Pinkie followed, because she's annoying like that. She gave me a look of pure sadness. I motioned her forward. She came up. I bent down and pulled her head close to mine. "I don't dance," I said. I made sure it was loud enough for her to hear me.

She pulled her head away and glared at me. I shrugged. She pointed to the dance floor. I shook my head with a small smile. She glared for two seconds before sprinting away._ And here… we… go!_ I knew I hadn't seen the end of her this night, but at the same time I still loved the party. I love watching stuff like this, for some reason.

I also really loved the music. It had been a long time since I heard music this heavy in my chest. I felt the drop in the song I was listening to and couldn't help but smile: This music sounded eerily similar to some stuff I had heard back home. Ponies couldn't make music the same as we had, but they could do some interesting stuff. I knew some of those beats had to be done by magic, but this Scoots fellow wasn't a unicorn.

I was crowd watching when I saw Derpy and Doctor Whooves. Derpy had a pretty big gap around her, since everyone knows what happens when she does anything dance-like: Bad things. They were still doing their best to dance together, with interesting results. _Wonder how that timid stallion ended up down here._ I know he had gotten better, since Derpy had been working with him. And maybe he listened to my advice and manned up a bit. I hadn't really dealt much with him since I got him that date; we still talked every now and then, but nothing much came of it. Derpy still gave me muffins every now and then, which was nice.

I was looking somewhere else when I saw Lyra and Bon-Bon. Bon-Bon was obviously a little uncomfortable, but Lyra was living this up. I ended up having several more encounters with those two over the years. I listened to Lyra's music quite a bit in the park, whenever I wandered by and saw her playing. I listened to their problems and helped when I could and gave them a shoulder to cry on when I couldn't. I discovered just how disturbingly fascinated Lyra was with fingers one day, but she never tried anything untoward, so I didn't say anything.

I saw Rainbow Dash and Applejack dancing somewhere else, happy just to be together. I didn't figure this was much Applejack's kind of scene, but I've misjudged people—and ponies—in the past. I saw Twilight and Spike dancing away in another spot. Twilight… God, she's a terrible dancer. Like, think of the whitest person you know. Twilight is worse at dancing. It's almost painful to watch. Still, if she has fun she has fun. I figured if Spike was with her that meant Rarity was not here. This was definitely not her scene. It wasn't Fluttershy's either, so there was no surprise I didn't see her.

I was rather surprised to see the Cutie Mark Crusaders dancing, though. All three of them were busting moves on the dance floor. I saw that Scootaloo had her scooter for some reason, and was using it to accentuate her dancing. I can't imagine what Rarity would think if she knew Sweetie Belle was at this kind of party.

What I was surprised at not seeing anywhere was Pinkie Pie. I knew she was going to make a move to get me on the floor, but I didn't know what exactly she was planning.

I looked over at the bar. I know they don't have booze. _I know about salt, and I don't see any. Do… Do ponies have other drugs? Note to self: Don't take any sugar cubes offered to me. _I hate being drugged. Although… I suppose since ponies can get extreme sugar highs, the bar probably has all kind of sugar stuff. Wonder if they have any caffeine… After so long I would probably get a little bit of that stuff and crash after a terribly hyper night.

I closed my eyes and crouched down, letting my head just nod to the beat. It might have been a party _for _me, but I was enjoying it the way I knew how.

It was about half an hour before Pinkie made her first try: She sent Twilight over to me. Don't ask how I know Pinkie did it, because she wasn't so naïve as to show her hand in it. But I just knew. After all, if I was dancing with Twilight, no one would be able to comment on how badly _I _was dancing.

I didn't see her coming, but when I felt a bubble of magic surround me I opened my eyes to see her looking at me with a massive smile. The music and noise from outside was muffled in the bubble she made. "Why aren't you dancing, Nav?" she asked.

"Who's watching Taya?"

"Taya is practically an adult, as mature as she is. I don't think she needs anypony watching her. Now, why aren't you dancing?"

"I don't dance to stuff like this," I said with a shrug.

"But you don't mind ballroom dancing."

"I don't particularly like it either, but I didn't have much choice in the matter when it came to learning it."

She rolled her eyes. "I read your journals, Nav. I know you enjoy it."

I couldn't hide a grin. "Either way, that's ballroom dancing. Nothing at all like this. Ballroom dancing has order. This… this is not my element."

"You love dancing to tunes you don't know, I believe it was you said," she coyly commented.

"That's different and you know it. I was treading into unknown—and possibly dangerous—waters. The risk was much greater and the reward was so much higher…" I sighed wistfully. "I miss those days."

She shook her head. "Not much has really changed, you know," she said.

"Aside from me getting a daughter and learning I'm going to outlive her and just about everyone else I know in this bloody world?"

She blinked. "Well, I suppose a _little _has changed. But this party is for you, Nav. No reason to spend it against the wall."

I smiled lazily. "That's where I belong, Twilight," I answered. "I enjoyed dancing with you back as Z because it was the thrill of the chase. I didn't have you yet. Now…" I shrugged. "There's nothing to win. Or at least nothing I want."

"What about Pinkie?" she asked, sounding slightly hurt.

"What about her? She threw this party for me, didn't she?"

"She sure did," Twilight answered. "And if you don't have fun she's going to be hurt."

"I am having fun, Twilight. I don't like being the center of attention, and you bet your ass that's what would happen if I got on that dance floor. Everyone would make room for the human and a lot of them would be watching. I get watched enough. I don't feel like giving them another reason."

She gave me a smile I could only describe as creepy. "I could turn you into a pony for the night," she said.

"Pass. You know I hate being a pony. There are a few reasons I'm willing to do that. Dancing is not one of them. Hell, I'm uncoordinated enough as a bloody pony. Trying to dance would probably end up with me on the floor."

I think she was beginning to get a bit flustered. "I can't just leave you against the wall!"

"Sure you can," I said. "I'm fine here. I like the music and I like watching the crowd. I might hit up the bar later, see what they have."

Her gaze turned that way and her mouth dropped. "I didn't even see that! I wonder if…" She shuddered and turned her gaze back to me. "I suggest avoiding that bar, Nav," she said. "I've never been to… to one of _these _parties before, but I know it's best to stay clean if you do."

"Oh, now I'm interested. What do they have? Some kind of pony drug?"

"Well, aside from the obvious salt, they probably have some extra-strength sugar. They might even…" She gulped. "They might even _mix sugar and salt!_"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Twilight, that shit doesn't affect me. Unless they have booze or E or something, I'll be fine."

"…E?"

"Human party drug. That shit is _wild_. Let's just say that it would make you loosen up right quick. Shame I never got any back home…" I bet I could find shrooms, though. And I did see some plants growing in the forest that might have been weed…

She looked at me with a bit of concern. "You would actually _willingly _do something like that?" Her voice rang with a bit of horror.

I blinked. "You ain't lived until you try everything once," I answered.

The smile was back on her face. _Oh, shit._ "Well, why don't you come on down to the dance floor, then?"

Time for lies. "I've tried it in the past," I said. "It's not for me, like I said." I shrugged. "I ain't going."

She glared at me and stormed off.

I settled back again.

The next attempt came ten minutes later. It was Spike. He looked at me. I looked at him. I shook my head. He shrugged.

I held up my fist. He bumped it.

He went back to the floor.

I swear I heard Pinkie howling in frustration.

_Wait, that_ is _howling… but it's not Pinkie._

I heard the music start to wind down. The DJ pulled up a mic. "A'ight, mares and stallions, my set is UP!" There was a general chorus of boos until Scoots held up his front legs for silence. "I ain't gonna leave you hanging. You may hear that howling. That's the sound of the next DJ making her way to the stage." The cellar doors burst open and a dark mist flew through them. _What the dick?_ It flew through and around the crowd, finally starting to coalesce at the DJ table. "Most of you might have met this crazy mare in the past. Some of you know her by a different name. Meet the dark and mysterious ruler of the night, Princess Luna herself!"

The dark mist finally gained a definite shape—a shape that was much larger than Luna. But before I could discern any features, the form shrank down to Luna's regular size. _That's… unexpected._ She pulled up a mic of her own. "Beat it, Scoots. This is _my _party." It was good natured and the crowd loved it.

Without another word she conjured up a dusty record player. There were groans in the audience. She raised an eyebrow. "You don't like my dusty old music?" she mocked. With a grin and a glow of her horn she turned that dusty record player into a massive fucking turn table. The audience cheered. Her horn glowed for a second and the music started.

My mouth dropped. She was… No. Fucking. Way. She was playing _Ride of the Valkyries_! The ponies in the crowd were staring up at her like she was an idiot.

Until the fucking beat _dropped. She fucking remixed Ride of the Valkyries!_

Well, this night just turned completely badass. After that song she played a remixed In the Hall of the Mountain King. Then she hit several songs I didn't know but were all classical.

I don't know how Pinkie got Princess Luna here.

I don't know how Princess Luna learned to DJ.

I don't know how Princess Luna knew songs from Earth.

I do know that shit was cash, as I've heard said back home. Shit was so cash. And if you don't know what that means, well, you shouldn't be reading these journals anyway you dick.

Then Pinkie had to ruin it with another attempt to get me on the floor. I turned my head to the side and saw Rarity sitting next to me. _Tonight is just full of surprises._ I turned my head back to the crowd as I felt another bubble surround us.

"Navarone, I don't suppose you would be willing to escort a lady to the dance floor," she said.

I turned back to face her. "If you can find me a lady, I might be," I answered with a bit of a smirk.

She gave me a look of pure malevolence. I saw someone in the crowd eyeing us and I motioned him over. He was picking his way through the crowd when Rarity dropped her look and said, "Then I don't suppose you would deign to join _me_?"

"I don't dance to stuff like this," I answered. "As I'm sure Pinkie Pie told you when she put you up to this."

She blushed slightly. Man, ponies are just absolute shit at lying. "I… I don't know what you're talking about!" she said. "And if you can't take me onto the dance floor, I'm afraid I just can't go! It just wouldn't do for a lady of my standing to go alone, unescorted!"

Enter Spike. "He's free," I said, nodding to him.

Spike beamed. Rarity looked at him. After a moment she put on a small smile and turned back to me. "Fine. Since you refuse to be a gentle-stallion, I shall make one out of Spike! Come along, dear!" she said, grabbing him and dragging him off to the floor.

Spike held up a fist as he was dragged away and I met it in the air. _Of course, that leaves Twilight alone, but I don't think she'll notice._

Either way, this time I know I heard a shriek of frustration somewhere. I couldn't stop a smile.

Half an hour and no attempts later, Pinkie herself came out and sat next to me. She let out a deep sigh that I could barely hear over the remix of Waltz of the Flowers. I didn't say anything.

I felt something fit around my ear. "You're tough to crack," I heard Pinkie say as though from a great distance. I jerked and turned my head to see a funnel from her mouth to where my ear had been. She motioned me closer. After a moment of thought I did so. "Tough to crack… But I'll give you one more chance. Dance with me and I'll forget you ever tried to fight this party. Refuse and… Well, I don't want to break you. But I will."

I grabbed the funnel thingy and put the big hole up to her ear. "Make my day," I answered with a smile.

She looked at me with the biggest grin on her face. She raised her head a little and brought her hoof across her throat slowly. With that she stood and bounced off, leaving me the funnel thing._ I think it might be time for me to call it a night._ I stood to go and wandered to the cellar doors, only to find they were barred. "Now that's a serious fire hazard," I mused aloud. I went to the bar.

I sat on a stool and looked for a menu. I sure didn't see one. The bartender came over to me and said, very clearly, "Host said to give you nothin'. Said you had to stay sober for some reason." He shrugged. "Seems cruel and unusual to me, but she's payin'." He pointed me to the floor. I shrugged and headed back to my spot on the wall, only to find it occupied by a couple. I turned and looked. _All _of the spots were either occupied or were too awkwardly close to a couple to be claimed.

Clever girl…

I made my way back to the bar. He couldn't give me anything, but nothing says I can't si—the bar was full. Huh.

I looked back at the dance floor. It was still pretty packed. I looked at the walls. Covered in couples. I looked at the bar. No empty stool. "How many ponies are down here?" I asked no one in particular.

Now, as the only human anywhere in this world, I'm pretty damn noticeable. I'm sure the word has spread that I was here as soon I stepped in the door. I'm sure most of the people knew I was against the wall, chilling. And now they all saw me just… awkwardly standing there. _What're my options?_

I couldn't hit the wall. I couldn't leave. I couldn't hit the bar. I refused to hit the dance floor because I wasn't about to let Pinkie win. I looked around one more time. I saw the DJ stand and smiled. _Thank you, Luna!_

I picked my way around the couples on the wall and got to the front of the cellar. It was quite a bit louder up here, without the mass of ponies blocking the sound. I sat against the speaker. My ears would be feeling it come morning—and all next week, as it turned out—but I was doing good.

Until I felt another field of magic dim the music and I saw Luna's head bend down from the stand. "There had better be a good reason you aren't enjoying my… _beats_… Nav," she said.

I turned to her. "Luna, this is probably one of the most badass things I've seen you do so far. I love it. I just don't dance to stuff like this." I shrugged. "Pinkie has been trying to get me to all night. She chased me all the way up here. Thankfully, I know you wouldn't force me to do something like that."

She smiled and pulled her head back. With her went the magic field.

Why do I have a bad feeling about this? I shrugged and went back to enjoying the tunes.

Two songs later and her set ended. She played herself off with an insanely remixed version of the National Anthem of the Soviet Union.

I almost cried from the awesomeness. It's a damn shame none of those ponies in the crowd had any idea what it was. When the last notes rang away, the crowd burst into cheers in the newly made silence. Luna raised her hooves for silence and it gradually returned. For having a rocky start, she had an awesome end.

"I believe my time with you is at an end, ponies of Ponyville," she said, her voice ringing out through the speakers. The crowd groaned and booed. She raised her hooves and it died down quickly. "My sister likes to keep me busy with princess duties, so I fear I have to return to Canterlot. Don't think I won't leave you in good hooves; DJ Pinks, make your way to the stage!"_ Oh hell no._

I looked to the crowd and didn't see her. I looked back to the stage and—Yep, there's Pinkie Pie shaking Luna's hoof with a big ol' smile. I saw Pinkie's eyes catch mine, leaning out from behind the speakers. She winked. I slinked away from view. _Time to catch a ride with a beautiful princess._

Thankfully, Luna decided to leave in a more mundane fashion, so I was able to grab her as she left the stand. We were enveloped with a field of magic as I pulled her over. "Can you get me out of here?" I asked.

She smiled at me. "This party is for you, planned by your friend! Why would you want to leave?"

"I don't think anyone is watching Taya and the doors are barred. I want to check on her." Her horn glowed. _Fuck_. "Oh come on, that's all true!" The horn didn't glow this time. _Stupid horn._

She looked less than impressed at my lie. "So what's the _real _reason you want to leave?"

I sighed. "Pinkie is going to try to make me dance and I don't want to."

Her horn didn't glow. She looked at me like an idiot. "Did you try telling her no?"

"Yes."

"I think I can take you away," she said with a smile. "On one condition." She paused for a second and leaned in close enough to whisper in my ear. "Let's take a trip to the moon."

I looked at her. She was definitely smiling. I shrugged. "Okay. It's beautiful up there." I put my hand on her side.

"That easy?" she asked, actually surprised. "If I had known I would have asked sooner!" She blushed for a moment. "Well, maybe not. Not after what happened the last time I left the city without permission…" I had forgotten she was banished to the palace. Maybe she got a pass for tonight.

"If you're going to get in trouble if you don't get back, we can just go to Canterlot instead," I said. "As long as I'm with you it doesn't really matter where it is." _I did _not _just say that._

She beamed and threw her front legs around me. In a flash we were on the moon. _Well, at least I won't get to see the rest of Pinkie's scheme._ I mean, Pinkie is good. But there's no way in hell she can get to the moon. I put my arms around Luna, knowing it was expected.

"I feel bad about abandoning your third anniversary party," Luna said, still holding me.

"Third anni—It is, isn't it? I've been here three years. Time flies when someone's trying to kill you." _Or get you killed._

I looked up to see the planet. Still an amazing sight. Still looked so much like Earth…

"It gets old," Luna said. I looked back down to see her looking up. After a moment she turned her face to me. "Looking up at it, I mean."

"A lot of things can get old after so long," I answered. _But never you_ is what I should say, but I already said too much.

She smiled as though she knew what I was thinking. "I know this is hard for you, Nav. So much has changed for you… And trying to romance something you once thought of as an animal of burden can't be easy." She pulled away from me, making sure I kept in contact with her, and sat us both down side by side. I put my arm around her. We just looked off into the expanse of the empty sky.

"Luna?" I said after a while.

"Yes, Navarone?" she said without looking up.

"Where did you learn to DJ like that?"

I saw her smiling. "You told me to visit the cities when we first met. To… 'get over' my fears. You mentioned that some cities in your world never sleep. The same is true here, as I learned. But… the ponies I found not sleeping were very different from what I was used to. But they were also much more willing to accept me than most other ponies were. I visited several… nightclubs, I think they're called. Eventually somepony offered to let me run the tables, and everypony else in the crowd loved the idea of a princess as a DJ." She blushed lightly. "It was hard, at first. But the crowd was understanding, and I eventually got pretty good."

"So… where did you get all that human music?"

She looked at me, then. "_Human _music?" she asked, confused. "Those were all songs popular back before… Well, you know. I added a few present-day touches to them, but their essences were the same."

"Luna, the last song you played was the National Anthem of the Soviet Union. And I recognized several other songs as well. And I recognized them _from Earth_."

She shrugged and turned her gaze back to the horizon. "No telling," she said. "That's not the only unsolved mystery in this world."

As the silence returned, I couldn't help but think. And as is so often the case, my thoughts turned dark rather quickly. _This world…_ I sighed inwardly. I don't want to go so far as to say that it sucks, but… I've not had an easy time of it.

I was still psychologically damaged from a lot of things. Killing. Rapes. Being hurt—often badly. And none of the ponies seemed to be able to help me with those. They tried, of course—I can't fault them for that. But you can't stop the nightmares that still occasionally hit. You can't stop the occasional flashbacks. You can't stop the small twinge of fear each time I see Pinkie or Rarity or any cats at all. I forgave them but I know that they're capable of it now. All of that combined has made me incredibly passive. Even more than I was when I got here, I mean; some things you just can't fight, as I told Rainbow Dash earlier.

At the same time, though, I was more capable than I probably ever was in the past. I was decked out with weapons when I needed to be and I always had a few daggers hidden to use in a last-ditch effort. I was physically fit. I could walk and run for a while. When my feathers grew back I would be able to fly again. Imagine that: A human flying with actual wings. I didn't even have to worry about pulling an Icarus and getting too close to the sun.

And I have more friends now than at just about any other point in my life. I never really was much of a people person, but in a way the ponies somehow managed to work around that. Maybe it's because they weren't people. And I have a daughter, even if she is adopted.

But could I ever romantically love a pony? Could I ever have sex with one without flinching slightly at the very idea?

I looked at Luna, sitting at my side with her own look of contemplation. What does she think of when she sees the moon? What does she think of when she returns here? What changes has she seen with her eyes? And yet she still moves forward, Celestia alongside her.

_One day_, I mused. I'll be able to love them. I know I will. I patted Luna's neck lightly with the hand around her shoulder.

What does pony or human really matter, when faced with love?

Thankfully, everything did seem to calm down through fall and winter. My hair did change colors, and stopped at an unhealthy grey color that stuck with me all through winter. I was just thankful the stuff didn't fall out. I did start to get tired again, though, when my hair started changing. By the end of winter, all of my hair had returned to where it should be, and I was fully able to fly again. It was nice.

(Upcoming sex. If you want to skip it, just hit the next chapter.)

A few months after I dealt with Fluttershy and around the time my hair finally grew back fully, Twilight approached me somewhat nervously. "Navarone, would you mind helping me with an… anatomy study?" she asked in a rather timid voice.

"Why would you need me to study anatomy? I'm the only human here; there's nothing important to be gained from it," I answered. Taya was with Fluttershy at the time, learning something or another about healing or nature or some crap. She didn't tell me why she was going, I just assumed. Spike was away with Rarity, lusting over her and wishing for any manner of attention. It was just me and Twilight in her library at the moment.

"I would… turn you into a pony first…" At my look, she said, "It shouldn't take too long, I promise!"

I sighed. "Fine, as long as I'm not stuck as a bloody pony for a few days. You know how odd it feels, changing like that. And if Taya comes back and sees me like that, you're going to have to explain it to her."

"Don't worry, she'll be away long enough," she said, and whispered something I barely heard, "Fluttershy promised me a few hours…"

_This is one of_ those _kinds of anatomy studies…_ I started taking my clothes off; no reason to ruin them in the change. I nodded when I was ready.

As ever, the change between human and pony was incredibly jarring. All my senses get jacked up, and my center of gravity changes heavily. I fell forward on my front legs, and my eyes saw all manner of things I hadn't seen before; I had a much wider field of vision, now. I noticed a pot of flowers that I hadn't seen before, along with a few other things I rarely look at.

And I noticed new smells, too. One, specifically, was very strong. I shuddered, and tried to ignore it. "Twilight, I'm smelling… pheromones. Would you kindly help me with that?"

I looked at her through half-lidded eyes, trying not to lose myself. I usually didn't have this kind of problem; every time after the first time that I became a pony, I was immediately guarded against the smells. I saw a small smile, along with a lot of nervousness. "I trust you, Nav. I don't think you'll do anything bad."

I smelled a sharpness to the air, just then. My eyes widened fractionally. "This… anatomy lesson… You didn't plan it for when _you _were in heat, did you?"

"Navarone! I am a scientist! That would be… highly unprofessional!" I tried to fight my growing arousal; I am not attracted to ponies, by God, but that smell! It stole the mind, ensnared the senses, dulled everything else. I knew that if I gave into it I would not be able to control anything—or anyone—I did.

"This is tantamount to rape!" I forced through my lips.

"I would never let you rape me, Nav!"

"If you had just… I would have helped you, if you had…" I started shuddering, trying to control myself as best as possible. "Wrong… So wrong… I thought we were friends!" I was losing myself in it now.

And suddenly the smell was gone. I sagged a bit, released from its spell. Eventually I forced my eyes open to see Twilight staring at me with guilt and horror in her eyes, her horn glowing.

"What…" I tried asking, before she stopped me by tearing up.

"I can't believe I almost… I'm so sorry, Nav! It's just… you don't know what it's like, having this burning desire!" I snorted at that. She didn't hear me or if she did she ignored me. "I know it's a base instinct, but I got tired of fighting it. I usually get a tea from Zecora, but I've been so busy! I thought… You seemed like the best option… I know you can't forgive me, but… I'm sorry." She was rather remorseful about it, I could tell.

"Twilight, if you think I don't know about a burning desire, you really don't know anything about men. We live with that constantly. That bloody pheromone makes it uncontrollable for someone like me, who has no experience guarding against it, just the same as you having less experience guarding against your desire than I do against mine. But it is natural, and I can understand wanting to extinguish it. If you had asked, I would have helped you deal with it, as a friend. As long as no one else learns of this, at least."

"I've never… had sex before… I don't know if it will make this feeling I have go away or not. But if you're willing to try to help me…" She was very nervous about it, and she had every right to be. The first time for a woman is different, I think, than it is for a man. "I know you're not attracted to ponies, though. I brought lavender… I read somewhere that the smell helps stallions in some ways."

I could smell it from where I was standing. I didn't really need it, though; I was still rather hard from what I had been through a minute ago.

"Well, we're not about to do this in the front room of the library," I said. "I sure don't want to answer the questions that will be asked if someone walks in."

She blinked. _Did you not think of that?_ "Then… Let's go up to… my room, I suppose." She started off and I followed.

"When was the last time you bathed?" I asked as we headed up the stairs—awkwardly for me, since I was rather unused to taking stairs with four feet.

She was a little off-put at the question, but answered, "Right before I came to see you. Why?"

I didn't answer. We got to her room and she turned to face me. She was unable to meet my gaze, she was so nervous.

"Turn around." She did so hesitantly, probably expecting me to mount her immediately. I was tempted, I admit; my mind was still reeling from my instincts, and my instincts were telling me to mount this mare and take her as hard as possible as fast as possible for as long as possible. And it would seem like suitable punishment for trying to rape me.

But I am a gentleman. Sort of.

She bent her front legs down and stuck her hindquarters in the air. She swished her tail aside in a move she probably thought was sexy. It might have been, I don't know.

Instead of mounting her, I eased my face in and gave her a taste. Each girl I've done that to has had a different taste. Twilight was soft, velvety. She tasted of… I don't hardly know how to describe it, honestly. It was sweet and fleshy, not at all unpleasant.

What I do know, however, is that as soon as my tongue met her walls, she immediately reacted. She moaned and arched her back even more, and said with as much lust as her normally bookish tone could hold, "I don't know what you're doing, but don't stop!" One thing I had learned is that ponies don't know shit about foreplay.

I didn't disappoint, that's for sure. Another thing I've learned is that mares actually have a clitoris. I found Twilight's with my tongue and gave it some special attention. She rewarded my efforts with more sounds of approval. After a little bit of that, to warm her up, I thrust my tongue inside her folds.

I stopped when I started tasting copper; I had to remind myself she was still in heat before I freaked out. With a grunt of disapproval from Twilight, I removed my tongue.

"Why did you—" she started, before my front legs hunched over shoulders. "Oh. Oh! When… whenever you're ready…" she uttered nervously.

I figured I should probably warn her. "You're a virgin, so this might hurt," I said. "I'll go slow. Tell me if you need me to stop. Also… I won't get you pregnant, will I?"

"I got… I got a spell from Rarity to protect me," she said. "Though why Rarity knew it…"

I took a second to align my head to the entrance to her love hole, and gently eased my tip in. Twilight answered with a sigh that turned into a moan as I slowly spread her open. I was a few inches into her when I felt resistance. I stopped.

"This is where the pain might begin," I warned. "And this is the point of no return. If you want to stop—" Her glowing horn is all the warning I had before my body thrust itself into her as hard as she could manage in her state of pleasure. I felt her grunt in pain, and she had to lean her head down to hide the small tears forming at her eyes. I couldn't stop a sigh of pleasure for myself, though: When she did that, it felt great on my head.

I gave her a second to recuperate, before I said, "If that's how you want to play…" I slowly eased myself almost all the way out of her, before I completely hilted her again. She moaned, in pleasure or pain I couldn't tell. I was thinking pleasure, though, because she didn't say a thing, just raised her ass higher and pulled her head up some more.

I took it nice and slow, after that. I gently eased myself in and out, with her moaning at the building pleasure and me starting to nod a bit in tune with the gentle thrusting.

Twilight was very, very tight, for a pony, and she was starting to get to me. I know I'm not attracted to ponies, but sex is sex. It felt good. I knew I could keep going for a while, though; my past experiences had, if nothing else, given me a decent bit of stamina, even though it had been a while.

After a few minutes of slow and gentle thrusting, Twilight begged, "Please Nav, you're killing me! Harder!" I gently eased myself fully into her. She was nice and wet now, fully lubricated and ready.

I know she couldn't see it, but I smiled. "You asked," was all the warning she had before I began fucking her in earnest. I know normal ponies aren't capable of a predator's smile, but I'm a human at heart, and I managed my best as I thrust in and out of her as fast as I could go. A harsh thwacking sound could be heard every time I thrust in, and her moans of pleasure quickly reached a nice crescendo.

I could feel her walls start to spasm around my member, and I widened my smile and kept going as she suffered through her first orgasm. When she stopped spasming around me, I gently eased my member out as far as it could go without actually pulling out.

Slowly, she turned her neck to look at me. I could see a new light in her eyes. "Nav, I… My books never said it would be like _that_! I… Why are you looking at me like that?" she saw my smile at that point.

I thrust back inside of her as hard as I could. I saw her eyes widen in surprise.

I answered her, still thrusting in and out, while her head turned back, arching back slightly, "I'm hardly done. You wanted this desire of yours killed. I'll wear your pussy out. That should help you for a nice spell." Each word was punctuated by a thrust.

I knew she had to still be sensitive from her orgasm, and I used that as best as I could. I used a few tricks I had been forced to learn by Kat to hit some more sensitive spots on Twilight. To be quite honest, Twilight never really stood a chance.

Half an hour and two more orgasms later, I finally let myself stop. I probably could have kept going, but Twilight was begging me to stop. "Oh Nav! I'm so—ooh—so sensitive! S—Oh!—stop!"

Instead of just stopping abruptly, I slowly eased down, until I was barely moving. With one last, sharp thrust of my hips that made Twilight squeal, I thrust myself in as far as I could get it and came inside of her. Twilight let off a grunt when she felt my hot seed inside of her.

For a while, the only sounds in the room were two ponies, softly panting.

I gently pulled myself all the way out of her, my limp manhood already starting to conceal itself again. I gently dismounted her. "So," I finally said, "how's that for your anatomy lesson? Or should we call it your lesson in Advanced Friendship?"

She couldn't stop a laugh, and tried a seductive lilt, "I forgot to take notes. You might have to go over it again some time."

"And Celestia said you were a good student…" I couldn't hide a small laugh. "If you ever want to learn more about sex—maybe publish a book or something—you know where to find me."


	34. Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two—I'm a shitty guard

Of course, good things never last. Celestia called me to the palace the day after Winter Wrap Up. Her summons was the usual 'Are you free?' that I've come to expect. I sighed, grabbed my journal entries, and sent a reply via Spike. He and Taya watched me disappear, with very different reactions.

I rematerialized in the dungeon of the palace, wreathed momentarily in a fake fire that still almost caused me to flinch. _That's odd._

I took a second to study my surroundings. "Princess Celestia. Blueblood," I said, nodding at them.

"That's _Prince _Blueblood, you… thing!" the annoying fellow said indignantly. I suppose I might as well describe him, since I haven't in the past. He has been described as the 'most eligible bachelor in Equestria.' He is incredibly handsome. His coat was white and mane and tail were dirty blond. His eyes were light blue. His cutie mark was a gold star against a dark blue star. He was a unicorn. And he was a complete and total dick.

"I don't suppose you know what happened to the last pony that took that tone of voice with me. He's rotting in a desert," I answered.

He snorted, stamped a hoof, and his horn started glowing weakly. Before he could do anything, I had a knife out of my sleeve and ready to throw.

Celestia stopped us both with magic to block whatever he was trying to do and magic to stay my hand. "I'll not have you fighting each other," she told us. I nodded once, and she released my hand. I slid the knife back in its hidden pocket. She had to glare at Blueblood for him to nod. "That's better. Blueblood, Navarone gets some slack when it comes to titles. The only reason he's bothering to call me princess is because you're here."

His eyes opened to a width I found rather satisfying. "You let him get away with such disrespect?" he finally managed to ask.

"I get allowed some things because I'm useful," I told him. I then turned my gaze to Celestia. "I suppose there's a reason you brought me here?" _With him _was the unspoken question I made sure my eyes vocalized well enough. She caught my meaning, I think.

"Blueblood needs an escort—" she began, but I cut her off.

"And you want me to find him one, right? Are we talking military escort or female escort here?" I caught another glare from Blueblood on that one.

"Nav," Celestia rebuked, "I'm being serious here. There's a massive social function happening in Maris—" That's Paris, I assumed "—and I can't make it this year. Neither can Luna. So we're sending Blueblood. Both Luna and I would really like you be there with him, just in case."

I ran my hand through my hair—turned green overnight, with the sudden change of seasons. "Look, I don't want to say no, but at the same time I really don't like bloody parties. And I don't want to be gone for three or four months just to go through Europe, get to Paris, and get out. Especially when I won't be needed. This is Europe. You have that place in the bag. No one will attack any of your representatives there."

"It wouldn't take months. This time, if you go, we'll teleport you there directly. It's just the two of you, and you're both already attuned to us anyway. We can get you there, you can spend the week at the event, and then you can get back instantly." _Well, I _was _getting kind of bored._

"Two conditions." She nodded, and waited for them. "I don't have to dress up in any special outfit." She frowned, but waited for the second. "And I don't have to take any orders."

"Now look here—" Blueblood started, but Celestia cut him off.

"The second condition is agreeable. But the first…"

"Those are the conditions. I'm tired of dressing up in ways that are designed to get me killed, especially when no one would know the difference anyway. I'm the only bloody human on the planet. I think my appearance alone is odd enough that I don't have to worry about disappointing anyone."

"Do you know why I summoned you here?" Celestia asked.

I assumed she meant the dungeon. "As a threat, probably. Another one of your 'this or bust' jobs." She smiled, but before she could answer, I said, "Feel free to lock me up, then. You know I'm neither a guard nor a servant. I do as you ask out of the goodness of my heart and out of fear. The only rewards I've gotten so far were entirely accidental on your part, and you can only threaten so much before I say, 'no more.'" Blueblood looked like he was about to have a stroke.

She nodded, slowly. "I was wondering when I would get you to that point. I accept your conditions."

"Cool. So, what are we going to again?"

A very, very, very big fucking party, with representatives from every intelligent and sapient race represented on Europe. Dragons, griffons, ponies—and all the other herbivorous races—cats, dogs, naga, and a single human. I don't know where the cats came from, as I thought they were concentrated solely in Africa. Maybe a few moved into Turkey from the Exodus I helped lead. The whole thing was called the Magical Maris Masquerade. Not the catchiest title, but it isn't like I could do any better.

It had been a week since I was asked to do the job, Celestia finally deciding that giving me a bit of advanced notice might be nice. Of course, it didn't really matter in a case like this, when I would be gone for a week as long as everything went well. Rarity was actually jealous that I got to go to this party thing, until she found out I was going with Blueblood.

When the week was up, I gathered all my gear and a rucksack of clothes and Twilight, Taya, and I all took another train to Canterlot. Twilight was going to help Celestia and Luna with the spell to teleport us, since it was hell to cast over such a distance. Normally they wouldn't have bothered to recruit Twilight, since it would be like pouring a glass of water into an ocean, but they figured it would be a good learning experience for Taya.

When we got to Canterlot, we were in for a bit of a surprise: The entire place was covered in a massive pink bubble. I didn't really care so I didn't listen to the explanation given for it.

When Blueblood saw Twilight, he tried flirting with her. Probably because he saw Z doing the same, and wanted to beat Z at his own game; Twilight was apparently nothing special as far as unicorn looks go. Not that I would know, mind, but I listen to ponies talk in Ponyville.

Twilight's manner of discouraging him was quite humorous: She kicked him rather hard in the shin and said, "That's for Rarity!" Luna openly wore a smile at that, while Celestia hid hers behind a stern look at Twilight, but didn't actually say anything. Taya, of course, didn't know what it was about, and looked on somewhat confusedly.

When we all go situated, with Blueblood still casting mean looks at Twilight, Celestia said to me, "Remember the matter we discussed, Nav."

I answered with a predatory grin, and nodded. Blueblood exchanged his mean glance at Twilight to a furtive look at me. He didn't know what we were talking about, of course. Neither did Twilight. And neither will my journal.

A second later, Blueblood and I found ourselves standing on top of the Eiffel Tower. "So," he was saying as we searched for a way down, "what was that last thing Celestia mentioned?"

"Telling you that would defeat the purpose of not telling you in the first place. Do you really think she would waste all that energy to send me here to babysit you? I'm not a guard, and you're in no danger here."

He gave me a hard glare before remembering who Celestia would be most likely to side with. Instead of a sharp rebuttal, he instead gave a harrumph, and answered, "I don't think anything short of a dragon would dare attack me anyway. I've won top duelist in Equestria for the last seven years." After a pause, he continued, "I see your look, human. No, the other duelists didn't go easy on me because of who I am. I entered the first five incognito." That still didn't discount the possibility, of course, but I didn't feel like discussing that. "If it really came to a fight between us, I think I'd give you a good run for your money."

"I'm an assassin, not a fighter. If it came down to a fight, I'd disappear and strike you from afar."

"That's about what I'd expect from looking at you. You just look shifty, like you're constantly ready to jump for cover. If the princess wasn't putting so much trust in you, I would think I could knock you down with a hard stare." A week without sleep does that to a guy, even if I'm still getting energy from some manner of photosynthesis or something. I can't imagine how I'll feel after a few months. And then years. And then centuries.

"Looks can be deceiving," is all I said.

"I certainly hope so," he muttered.

I just rolled my eyes. "Let's get to this party thing."

I heard him muttering something mean about 'auntie Celestia' as we continued down the tower. "Why did they even send us to the top of this cursed spire anyway?" he finally asked, as we were nearing the bottom. "Surely she could have put us somewhere closer."

"My name isn't Shirley. And yes, she could have put us closer, but then we might end up inside someone. Now let's go, we have a long walk before we get to Notre Dame."

"_Walk_?" he forced out.

"I don't see a welcoming wagon, do you? And you don't have wings, so we can't fly. The sooner we get started the sooner the journey will end." He sighed.

Of course, it wasn't as easy as that. I had never been to Paris before, and Blueblood was still apparently incredibly attractive, so we both got a lot of attention. It didn't help that I was carrying a load of weapons. It also didn't help that Blueblood was preening heavily under the attention.

And it really didn't help that the ponies here were living up to the bad stereotypes of the Parisians back in my world.

"I knew there was a reason I never wanted to go to France," I muttered, after the fourth bloody time we got stopped.

"What are you talking about, human? The ponies here love me!" Blueblood answered, smiling. I figured he would be getting plenty of tail here.

"You, yes. Me, they're treating like the Hunchback." _Or an American._ I'm sure Blueblood, at least, thought that was fair. Ah well. At least I was contented in the knowledge that he was a dick.

We finally got to the cathedral after an inordinately long time full of Blueblood's flirtatious remarks to some demure looking French mares. Poor girls didn't know what they were trying to get into. Of course, some of them seemed as arrogant as this guy was, which was kind of amusing.

I gave our letter of introduction to the guards manning the door of Notre Dame. Their eyes opened incredibly wide upon reading it, and ushered us inside with appropriate pomp. The servant standing just inside the door announced us, "Prince Blueblood, standing in for Princess Celestia, and guard." Every eye in the cathedral turned toward us, first to Blueblood and then to me, since most of them had never seen anything like me in the past.

I looked out over the group before us and made a few observations. First, none of the races seemed to be mingling that much. The naga were spread out the most, as they are mercenaries and can be found everywhere. I could see pegasi in the griffon group and unicorns in the dragon group. Dogs and cats had a bit of intermingling between them. Other than that, there were pretty much demilitarized zones cutting each group into parts.

I saw a few familiar faces in the cat group. Jocasta and Miguel were both there, watching me. _Interesting_.

I caught Blueblood eyeing some of the mares, and hissed in his ear, "Your royal duties come first, _prince_."

"Relax, human," he whispered back. "I'm just taking a second to admire the view." He then delved into his speech, explaining the absence of Celestia and officially starting the week-long event. I learned that this place isn't called France, it's called Prance. Because that makes sense. As soon as his speech ended, almost everybody in the crowd put on a mask of some sort. None of the guards did, while all of the servants put on a copy of the same mask. That made sense to me, and it meant I didn't have to put on a mask.

Everyone started intermingling, then. Despite being able to tell what someone was by looking at their body, it all broke down. It was pretty neat.

I followed Blueblood around for a few hours, doing nothing of note. I occasionally said a few words to people asking what the hell I was, and my naga knife got me plenty of appreciable glances from the naga.

I met my first griffon, too. Quite an arrogant race, for the most part, but they also have a reason for it. They are very fearsome fighters and very strong fliers. The group of them that pulled me away from the prince and his fawning admirers all had very large claws and beaks that looked like they could crack my head like a nut. Their masks did little to cover… well, anything, really. It was the thought that counted, I suppose.

"I have heard, human, that you were responsible for what recently happened in Egypt," the lead griffon spoke. "Is there truth to these rumors?"

"I've been to Egypt twice in the past little while. One time I was there I was helping lead a flock of slaves through the desert. That exodus ended with a rather interesting scene between Celestia and the general of the cat army."

"That is what I meant, yes. So you really were there. Tell me, what kind of fighters are the cats?"

"Dirty fighters. Quick footed, agile, fast. A lot of them would be as quick to sneak up and slit your throat as they would be to fight you head on. And if they want to sneak up on you, you'll never hear them coming."

"I've heard similar things about you," a nearby naga broke in. "I've heard talk that the only real fighting you did was murdering a few guards while they fought the real threats."

"There is a place for everyone on the battlefield," the griffon said. "And this human more than made up for what kind of fighter he is by overpowering two assassins in his more recent trip there. Or am I mistaken?" he asked, turning to me.

"I caught them by surprise, but yes. I killed one and captured the other."

"And you are a mercenary for hire?" the griffon asked, a bit of hope to be heard in his voice.

"I have been hired by the Crown for the duration," I answered.

The naga scoffed a bit, and the griffon just shook his head and said, "The princess always does get the good ones first… I don't suppose you have any stories you can tell us of your campaigns? These pony parties are always so dull. With the minotaurs banned for a few years because of that noodle incident, there are many less interesting beings to talk with." The naga came in closer for that, and the rest of the griffon's entourage closed up around me.

"Yes, human," the naga said, "Tell us how you won that dagger of yours."

"I don't think you'll be too happy with that story, naga, but I can tell you. Princess Celestia hired me a few years ago to help a family of ponies that had been kidnapped by naga. When I got on the scene with two local guides, I learned the truth of the matter: The naga group that was living in the caverns under the pony's house took the ponies for their own protection." I told the rest of the tale as it actually happened. There were murmurs at my talk of murdering the naga in their sleep, and looks of interest at my crossbow when I described what it had done."

"An appreciable body count," the griffon said. "Not how any of us would have done it, of course, but then we're more built for fighting than you are." He gently tapped the tile floor with his claws. "Do you have any more tales, aside from your actions in Africa?"

"I could tell you of the first time I was hired to kill a pony. Or rather, a unicorn. It didn't end perfectly, but it is an interesting tale."

"That treads on dangerous territory, Nav," Jocasta said, joining the small group around me. "I don't imagine your princess would like tales of renegade unicorns getting out."

"The damage is already done, lass. They know, now. Nothing wrong with telling the story."

"I've heard a few stories of fighting against unicorns," the naga said, "but never a firsthand account. How would you go about combating one?"

"With another unicorn, of course," I said. I told them that story as well.

"Are you going to tell them of Kat next, Nav?" Jocasta asked. I assumed she was hiding a smile behind her mask, but I couldn't tell.

"No one has asked of my love life. I can't imagine who would want to know any of those tales."

"I know I don't want to know of your private life," the griffon said.

"How many of the species represented here _have _you laid with, though?" the naga asked.

"Four, if you count humans. More, if you count unicorns and pegasi as a difference race." And even more if you add alicorns.

"My, my, you do get around," Jocasta said.

"I go where Celestia bids," I said. "If I happen to have a bit of fun when I get there, well, there's hardly anything wrong with that."

"You've got a week here, guarding that supercilious pony," the naga said. "Who knows, maybe you'll increase that number a bit."

"I'd be afraid to have sex with a dragon or a griffon, no offense. Way too many sharp areas for my liking."

A few of the female griffons around me giggled at that, and the leader smiled. "I understand your wariness. The only thing that keeps them from ripping _us _to shreds is the knowledge that we can do the same. And finding a dragon that would concede to something like that with a mortal race would be hard, though your novelty might persuade a few of them to try."

I waved that away. "Enough of me. Surely I'm not the only old campaigner here. Naga often pull work as mercenaries, and they fight amongst themselves occasionally. What stories do you have, friend?" I asked the naga. He told us a few tales. The griffons then took their turns. By the end of the night we had a pretty sizeable crowd around us, with more and more tales being told. Apparently there was a hell of a lot more violence here than I thought. There were tales of infighting from dogs, cats, and naga. There were tales of duels of honor from the naga, the dragons, and the griffons. We had a few tales of witch hunts from unicorns, who specialized in fighting other unicorns that grow drunk off their power. We had a few stories of pony-style border wars, with pies as weapons. The teller of _that _story realized what he was saying and who he was saying it too and ended up really embarrassed. Jocasta and Miguel told a few stories from the liberation march, and gave me plenty of credit when I played parts.

Blueblood apparently joined the crowd at some point, but didn't say much. He glanced at me a bit when Jocasta and Miguel were talking, though. The rest of the first night passed in a flash. I was eventually left wandering the streets of Paris all night, trying to keep myself amused. I probably could have found some… company… but I really wasn't interested. I was propositioned a few times by ponies with disreputable cutie marks, but I refused their services.

The next day was rather different. It started slow, of course; most good parties don't start picking up until late in the night. There was music this time, though; I recognized the band from the Gala playing. I saw Octavia gently playing her massive instrument with every sign of serenity. If I had thought she would know me, I would have spoken to her; it would have been nice to have had at least one more friendly face to talk to.

Still, after the discussion the night before, there were plenty of people willing to have dealings with me. I didn't even bother following Blueblood around, this time. I kept him in sight at all times, to make it look like I was doing my job. Really, though, I was spending more time talking and discussing tactics and whatnot pay any attention to the fellow. I didn't care if he got killed anyway, truth be told.

Eventually, enough people got to the cathedral for the fun to begin in earnest. Dances were had, alliances of sorts were forged, love was kindled, and peace reigned.

"If I may have this dance, ma'am?" I quietly asked who I was hoping was Jocasta.

She neatly bowed her head, confirming my guess. "I suppose I can give you that honor, human," she answered.

I led her to the dance floor, and we began to glide across the floor. I don't know when she learned to dance like that, but I was rather impressed. We kept up a small conversation while we danced. Eventually, I let my hand drift a bit downwards, smiling as I did so. She didn't stop me, but looked out a window and said, "The sun's setting."

"It always comes back up," I finished, slipping something into a pocket in the back of her dress. And did a little more besides.

She finally slapped me, and hissed, "I am not Kat!"

I lifted my hand back to its proper place and said with self-defacing smile, "No, but I have you to blame for her. Wouldn't you like to know what you were missing out on?"

"Not particularly," she answered, more calmly. "I thought you were more of a gentletom."

"I murder people for a living, lass," I answered. We finished the dance and split off to find different partners. I ended up dancing with some of everything, with even some of the dragons acceding to dance with a unique species. I would have done the dance in the air that I had shown off with Twilight, but I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to give Blueblood any hints that I had been Z.

The night passed quickly enough, by all accounts. A young female dragon and I were the last two on the dance floor, my plant-like energy and her youthful exuberance keeping us standing. The orchestra had long since stopped playing, and most of the partygoers had already left.

"I'm surprised to see one of the mortal races still standing," she murmured into my hair, with her head leaning on me. She was nearly asleep in my arms herself, I think, and tall enough that she could use my head as a rest without too much effort. "Hmm, smells like fresh grass…" she whispered.

"I'm hardly a mortal, myself. A magical fluke has given me all manner of gifts. One fluke gave me wings. Another gave me the life forces of a few trees. I don't sleep in spring or summer, and can't get tired. I have all manner of stamina, and I don't feel pain as much."

She perked up a bit at those. "Plenty of stamina, huh?" I thought I could feel her licking her lips on my head. "What would you say to continuing this dance somewhere more private?"

I really have got to thank Pinkie Pie for forcing me to learn dances.

(Sex is coming. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

She pulled me away from the dance floor and into the halls. "It would not be a good idea for any of the dragons to learn we're doing this," she whispered as we skulked through the halls. "Where is your room?"

"Right there, actually," I said, pointing to a door we were just about to pass. "I haven't been in it yet, though."

She looked at it for a moment before turning back to me with a confused look. "What are the chances?" I shrugged. She just shook her head before trying the knob. It was unlocked. She pushed the door open and dragged me in, ducking under the threshold. She spent all of a second looking around. "It'll do." She turned back to me. "Strip. Now."

_Why do I always get the dominant ones?_ I kicked my shoes off and began removing weapons. A few minutes later I was left with just my pants.

She looked me up and down. "An interesting look. I was expecting more hair." Her eyes settled on my pants. "If you don't remove those they'll soon be in shreds."

I sighed as I loosened the belt. "I don't suppose there's any chance of me getting the lead here, is there?"

She grinned as the pants fell. "If you can take it, by all means. But…" she whispered as she took a step closer, "I don't think you'll be strong enough." She drew a claw down my chest gently, gripping my member. "I think you'll still have plenty of fun, though." She began gently stroking me with one claw and pulling me back to the bed with the other.

"Sadly, I've gotten use—ooh…—used to not having control. Some people just have—aaah—no self-control."

She smirked a bit at that. "I can hardly imagine why. You'll be a fun little toy, no doubt, but I wouldn't want to force you into anything. There's just a scent about you that I quite like." With that, she gripped my arms, casually lifted me up, and _threw _me onto the bed. Her grin widened as I bounced a bit, blinking stars out of my eyes. "Yes, you'll be a fun little toy indeed."

She joined me on the bed and pulled my head in close to hers. She had her snake-like tongue down my throat in seconds, exploring the inside of my neck. My eyes widened as I felt her moving around. She pulled out to say, "Not even going to try to fight back? Shame." With that, she was right back down my throat. This time I had the presence of mind to wrestle her thin tongue with my thick one, and was able to wrestle it into submission. _Guess it being smaller means it doesn't have as much muscle._

She moaned into my mouth as she snuck her tongue out. She pulled back again. "Good, so you do have some fight in you. That'll make this much more fun." She scooched her body up further on mine, pushing me down onto the bed and onto my wings. _I'm glad this bed is so soft._ She stopped when she was straddling my chest. I felt her moist opening on my chest, its low warmth pulsing against me. "I'm sure you know how to pleasure me, yes?"

I looked down at where she was sitting on me. After a moment I looked back up to her face. "I can think of a few ways, yes. But you better be returning the favor."

"Oh, the _big, strong _human is making demands?" Her grin turned into a smirk. "And what makes you think you get to have any fun?"

"You interested in a deal? First one that cums gets to be the other's bitch."

She considered for a moment. "Hm… Nah. We dragons get a bit sensitive this time of year. Your heartbeat alone is making me wet. I think I'll just… _take_… what I want. But to be fair, I suppose I can pleasure you while you help me." I tried shifting a bit to find that I was pretty much trapped.

"I suppose that is… acceptable."

"You say that like I care what you think. Now, shall we get started?" She didn't give me a chance to answer, just shifted even further up my body so that she was sitting on my face. "I know that tongue of yours is strong. I hope it knows what it's doing down there." Her warm slit was positioned right over my face. I had enough time to glance at it before she pushed down a bit, grinding on my face. "We may have all night, but I'd like to get started."

I flicked my tongue out, licking up at her inviting folds. She shuddered on top of me and I flinched back from her opening; I just hit the surface, but it felt like a furnace in there!

"Feeling hesitant? I know some races have problems having sex with dragons. I think I know a way to take your… mind… off it." She lifted herself off my face, giving me some air. I managed to look up just in time to get a face full of dragon-vagina lowering back down. Her tail flopped over my head awkwardly. I felt her claws grip my legs and pull them open. Then I felt a warmth enclose my dick. Then… her tongue began. _Holy fuck._ My entire body tightened at the sensations she sent through me. I slowly relaxed as she continued, essentially jerking me off with her serpentine tongue.

And then she pulled herself off. "I'm waiting." I shook myself from the pleasure-reverie I found myself in. I looked at what I was presented with and sighed inwardly. _Nothing's ever easy_. I reached my tongue out to her clit and gave it a nice flick. She shuddered again and bent back down to her task. I felt her begin again as I took her clit into my mouth and began lightly sucking the bead. It wasn't nearly as hot as her insides.

But good things last only so long… She pulled off me again and said, "You better get that tongue inside, or I'm going to start exploring places with my claws." I didn't like the sound of that, not one bit. I released her clit and took one last look at her little slit. _Sorry, tongue. I can get you healed later_. With that, I thrust myself inside her. She hissed, arching her back like a cat. _It's like the naga in reverse!_

God my tongue was sweltering. I gave her insides a long, slow lick before getting to work in earnest. She finally turned back to me, giving me more service. Even with the tree resistances, what she was doing put me in heaven. Of course, what _I _was doing put me in hell, so I guess it balanced out or something.

…No it didn't.

I kept going anyway, because I figured stopping might involve more pain, and possibly losing virginity in a place I never planned on getting touched.

With no warning at all, she came, forcing scalding juices around my tongue and all over my face. I ripped my head back, trying to shake the pain off and doing pretty much nothing since she was so close down on my face. The most I did was rub my nose across her clit several times, making her finally pull off my shaft and let off some incredibly sexy moans. _Little belated there, don't you think?_

After a moment of riding the bliss, she eased herself off me... just long enough to flip again and fall back on me, face to face. I saw the smile she was wearing and quailed a bit in horror. She began to lick my face clean, her soft tongue a pleasant relief from the chafing scales present on most of her body. She finished her cleaning job by forcing her tongue into my mouth again, hitting my burned tongue. Everywhere she touched seemed to feel better almost instantly. After she had her fun toying with my throat, she pulled her face away from mine.

"Now, was that really so bad?"

"Burned the hell out of my tongue and I didn't even get to cum. Don't tell me we're finished." Though my tongue was feeling a lot better. Maybe dragons have some kind of latent healing magic in their spit or something. I've seen stranger things in this world.

"Well… I've had my fun. I mean, I guess we _could _go for the main course…" Her grin turned wicked. "I wouldn't mind riding you until the sun comes up. Hm… It's pretty shameful for a dragon to have sex with something outside the race… but there are many that would argue that what we did was enough. Still, I think I could get away with calling you a toy as long as you don't have any release." She paused for just long enough to worry me and make my dick feel unwanted before continuing, "Of course, I really don't care about any of that!" With that, she jumped my bones—or rather, she jumped my bone.

She impaled herself on me with no warning and no time to brace myself. My hands shot out to grab the sides of the bed and squeezed as tightly as possible before I realized that it honestly didn't hurt all that badly. Oh, it was warm, of that there was no doubt. But the burning I expected from what my tongue found was not there. _Maybe my resistances only exist for parts of my body that are outside everything else_. Learn something new every day.

She took a moment to adjust, just long enough for me to realize I wasn't in blinding pain, before she started to slowly pump up and down. She sat up on me, biting her lower lip as she slowly drew herself up and down on my length. After a minute, she settled down, leaving herself impaled. She let out a small sigh. "And here I was thinking you wouldn't be big enough," she whispered as she began to grind. "You're no dragon, but you're just the right size to—ah!—to hit the right spots." She started pumping again. "And I don't have to worry about protection."

With that somewhat ominous statement, she began to pick up speed, riding me as I felt the pleasure slowly build up. Her insides were still sensitive from her previous orgasm, and I felt her occasionally quivering as my dick touched certain places. Her tail slowly began to wrap around my leg.

I grinned as a plan began to form in my head. When she was at the peak of one of her pumps, I commented, "Remember what you said before we began?" She opened her eyes, a confused look on her face. "If I want the lead, I have to _take it_." My hands shot up and grabbed her arms. She had time to look surprised before I pulled her off me and dropped her on the bed. I rolled over on top of her and pushed myself to my knees. I pulled her tail towards me, yanking her to her hands and knees. Tail in one hand and upper thigh in the other, I positioned my cock at the entrance of her hole.

Without pausing a second I thrust into her. I grinned as her tail spasmed against me. I started pounding her, using my grips to make sure I kept control. She wasn't even trying to fight back, thankfully. I had a feeling she could tear me to pieces without a worry in the world if she wanted to.

"M-m-my tail," she moaned. "R-rub the base!" I let go of her thigh and moved that hand to the base of her tail. I pushed in a bit and felt her squeeze down on my dick. I grinned and began to rub her as she asked, continuing to pound away at her.

Not a minute later she came yet again, releasing more hot liquids on me. It just felt warm to me, confirming my suspicions. I continued what I was doing, starting to get close to release. The vibrations and pulsing of her pussy as I continued working her through her orgasm drew me ever closer. She was really moaning now, probably keeping our neighbors awake with her noises of bliss.

After a few more minutes of bliss for me and her, I finally reached my peak. I thrust in one last time and let my load loose inside her, filling her with my seed that probably was sterilized as soon as it hit her hot insides.

When I felt myself empty, I finally pulled myself from her with a gentle popping noise. I eased her tail down, realizing as I did that I had it in a vice-grip. There was actually a small indentation on the scales.

"Now, was that really so bad?" I mocked, letting myself lay down next to her.

She giggled. "Not quite. I don't suppose you'd mind if I stayed here for the night? I don't really want to walk back to the dragon quarters like this."

"Feel free. I suppose someone should get to use this bed. I'll take a shower and leave you to sleep."

"How kind of you," she answered in a deadpan voice.

"I know, I'm a saint," I replied with a similar tone. She just smiled and snuggled into the bed.

(Sex is over)

One pleasantly long night later, I found myself back in the Notre Dame cathedral for day three of the week long Masquerade. The decorations set out for this one surprised me a bit: It looked like a massive rave was about to go down.

And as soon as the sun set, that is exactly what happened. A white unicorn with massive sunglasses stepped onto the platform where all the sound equipment was. "DJ Pon3, in the house!" a voice announced over speakers that had been surreptitiously set up around the cathedral. _Oh God, if the pope could see this now he would be freaking out!_

I'll be the first to admit, I don't much care for dancing to that kind of music. I love it, yeah, and this is the first time I've heard any kind of dubstep since I got here, but I just have no rhythm for that kind of stuff.

But that DJ Pon3 lass was pretty kickin'. I've heard some of Tiesto's stuff before, but that had nothing on this. Maybe it's just because I was there in person. I don't know, but I couldn't help myself. I started moving with the beat. I think Pinkie would have been pissed that I was dancing here and not at _her _party, but whatever.

I found myself dancing with a mare. I couldn't tell without seeing her face or hearing her voice, but I thought for sure it was Octavia. I figured it couldn't be, what with her being a member of a massive classical orchestra.

But sure enough, when a lull in the music came, she introduced herself. "I've heard a lot about you, human, but I didn't know you danced to music like this. I'm Octavia."

"Howdy, lass. My name's Navarone. Didn't I see you with the orchestra last night? And at a few of the Galas? I'm surprised to see you dancing to music like this, myself."

"I like music of all kinds," she answered. "Just because it's newer and made with electronics doesn't mean it has no value. It's still just as hard to make, and takes plenty of practice to get good at. And this dubhoof electrifies me, and just makes me need to move! I've been to every one of Scratch's concerts, and they always surprise me with how well done they are…"

"This is the first real concert of this kind I've been to, and I must say I agree. I haven't felt my chest vibrate like this since I was on Earth." Pinkie's party was nice, but it had nothing on this. And I didn't actually feel… compelled… to dance to it, as I did here.

There were representatives of all races there, that night. It was mostly the young, of course. We all took refuge in the music, letting it shelter us against the rigors of the night and hide us from the exhaustion of the day. The music was like a living thing, guiding our movements and holding us together. It was a beautiful night, and not for the first time I was grateful for the unrelenting energy I seemed to have. A lot of us young ravers kept the party going until the sun was peeking through the clouds again.

At some point after Octavia bled off from the crowd, citing exhaustion, the young dragon from the night before joined me. She slithered in the music, scales catching the light from the strobes and scattering it through the air. It was mesmerizing, in a way.

When I finally pointed out that the sun was rising, she answered, "Then when the sun sets, the party will begin again… Though of course, we can always continue this party somewhere else." I smiled.

When I got back to the Notre Dame, Blueblood called me over. "You really aren't doing a very good job, human," he accused. "With you going off who knows where every night, there's no telling what might happen to me!"

"I figured your night activities weren't something you wanted me involved in. If you'd prefer, I can watch you closer. I didn't think you would need someone to hold your hand, though."

"Well, you don't have to watch me _all _night, but the feeling of being protected would be nice."

I shrugged. "I'm a bit of a night owl anyway, as are most of the people I prefer to deal with. You tend to leave early enough."

The next few hours were excruciating, though. I had to listen to Blueblood talk about himself to some random mare. I wanted to strangle the fucker.

I was saved the effort, however. Near the start of the next phase of the party, he took a sip of his drink and started seizing. I immediately rushed to his side, pushed the mare away, and ordered that the doors be barred.

"Naga," I shouted above the clamoring voices, "I need some naga fighters! And get me a healer!" Everyone in the room knew that no naga would ever poison someone, even a hated enemy. There was a rush to get to me, each warrior clutching a specially made weapon.

I pointed warriors to certain doors, to make sure no one got in and no one got out. "Keep those doors shut, dammit! If the assassin is still here, don't let him escape! I need a unicorn here! If you know how to heal at all, get over here!" A few unicorns rushed forward and did some manner of magic over the prince's weakly jerking body. "Save him if you can. If you can't, find out what you can about what killed him."

I stood up to address the crowd. "Did anyone see anything? He seized up as soon as he started drinking. I saw him take the glass, but I didn't see anyone putting anything in it when he had it. That means it got to him poisoned." I saw a few people dumping out cups. "If anyone knows the servant that delivered it, or saw someone put something in it before it was delivered, tell me."

There was a bit of a commotion in the crowd as a familiar naga dragged a dog forward. "I saw this hound pour something in a few of the drinks," the naga said, ripping the mask off the dog.

I looked at the dog. "How do you answer this accusation?" I asked him.

"Death to the lackeys of the pony queen!" he screamed, drawing a knife and trying to hurl it at me, before it was ripped out of his hands by the naga.

"Bind him," I ordered. "He will be questioned. And dump out all the drinks; I don't want to risk anyone else." Everyone did as I said, and I turned back to the unicorns hovering over Blueblood. "Will he live?"

"He is barely holding on," the largest unicorn I have ever seen told me. I saw that she had massive scars on her back. "It's good that he is young and strong. Still, he's lucky I was here, human. He should recover, but we need to get him out of here anyway."

I nodded. "I need paper and a pencil. Celestia can pull him back to Equestria while I sort this mess here out." A runner rushed off to get me what I needed, and I sought out the face of my young dragon friend. I motioned her forward. "A dragon I know in Equestria can send paper messages via fire. Can you do the same?"

"That's child's play. I can send messages _made _of fire. What do you need?"

"No offense, but right now I'd prefer a bit of secrecy. We have a pretty fucked up situation here, and I still don't know who all is involved."

"I understand. You barely even know me…" she said, as the paper and an inked quill were brought to me.

I outlined the situation on the paper, and answered her, "I don't even know your name. You never told me." I gave her the note and said, "Can you send that to Celestia?" She did.

"Kumani," she said. "My name is Kumani."

Not a minute later, Blueblood disappeared, and a response came from Kumani. She passed the scroll to me without looking at it. 'Get airborne.' _Great, I don't have to deal with this mess myself._

I jumped into the air and hovered over the wide-eyed crowd. I didn't have to wait long for Celestia to teleport in. And God, was she in a fury. The glare she gave the bound and gagged prisoner was enough to set him shaking. We landed in a rapidly cleared hole in the crowd.

"Bring the prisoner to me," she demanded. The naga moved to obey, but she stopped him with a look. "_Navarone_, bring the prisoner to me." I did as she commanded. The dog didn't even try to struggle, but since I had a knife poking his back he probably didn't see much reason in it. I forced him to his knees in front of her. "Ungag him." I did. "Why did you try to kill Prince Blueblood?" she quietly asked, looking down on the prisoner.

He didn't even try to meet her gaze. He mumbled something at the floor. "She didn't hear you, dog," I said, shaking him slightly.

He said, much louder, "For the queen."

Celestia nodded. "Gag him." I did. She looked at the crowd. "Everypony, the party is still on. I will bring a new representative shortly. I would love to stay, but there are many more preparations to be made, and Canterlot must be protected." She looked back down to me. "Navarone, come with me. Bring the prisoner."

I dragged the prisoner behind me as we walked away from the room, into a side door, down a long hallway, and into a small bedroom. I deposited the prisoner into a chair and just stared at him.

Celestia looked down at the dog. "Your kind doesn't have a queen," she said.

He didn't say anything.

"I can make him talk, Princess," I said, not taking my eyes away from him.

Her horn glowed for a minute as she seemed to muse. She finally said, "No, Navarone. He doesn't know anything. He's just a disposable agent, a would-be assassin. He probably doesn't even know why he's here." She sighed. "For your crimes against Equestria, I sentence you to Tartarus." Her horn glowed brightly and the dog disappeared. He had the chance to look terrified before he was gone.

I put a hand to my forehead, feeling dizzy all of a sudden.

"Are you okay, Nav?" Celestia asked, concern in her voice.

"Just… dizzy. And a headache."

I felt her warmth as she jumped to my side, her horn glowing as it touched me. She gasped. "You've been poisoned!"

"Well that sucks…" I muttered. Her horn glowed considerably brighter as I felt the pain lesson and then disappear. "Magic is even better than kidneys," I sighed. She didn't get that; ponies don't know much about anatomy.

"Your… transformation is even more potent than we thought," she said. "Blueblood got less of that poison than you did, I believe, and he almost died!"

"It's probably just because he sucks," I answered drily.

She shook her head. "No, this is definitely the magic in you. If you start feeling any more changes, tell me immediately." She looked around the room for a moment and sighed. "Now… who can replace Blueblood?" It was a rhetorical question, I hope.

She looked at me for a moment and then shook her head. "Can't be Luna… Can't be…" She sighed again. "No, it'll have to be her." She turned back to me. "Navarone, you are to protect this mare with your life. I do not care what you have to do to make sure she gets back here in one piece." I opened my mouth to respond but she cut me off. "I say this because I know you are not going to like her and because she isn't going to be happy about being here in the first place. But… she is going to be very important soon and I absolutely need her in one piece."

"If you know I'm not going to like her, why do you want me to guard her?"

"Because I trust you, Navarone. Do not let me down."

"So… who am I going to be protecting?"

"Princess Cadance. She's another alicorn, a very rare breed."

How the fuck have I never heard of her if she's an ali—you know what, I don't care. I gave up on understanding this world a long time ago. "So why won't I like her?"

Celestia smiled. "Her special talent—and special magic—is creating love."

My eyes widened. "You keep that bitch away from me!" I don't know if I was joking.

Celestia giggled. "I figured you would say that. Just give her a chance, Nav. She was one of the few friends Twilight had back in Canterlot. And Cadance will need somepony to talk to, since she's going to be forced to abandon some of her wedding preparations to be here." I grimaced lightly. I hate weddings, you see.

She looked to a table in the small room and found some paper and a quill. She used magic to write a short note and sent it on its way. She turned back to me. "I trust you to handle this, Navarone. Do not let me down."

"Look, Celestia, can you honestly say that you're disappointed this happened to Blueblood?"

She gave me one of _those _looks and was about to respond before a letter appeared in front of her. She opened it, read it, and sighed. "Don't move," she told me. A second later she was gone.

I sighed and pulled my crossbow from its sling. I fit a bolt into it and cocked it back, smiling grimly at the feel of its weight in my hands. That done, I started doing a check of all the weapons in place around my body.

_Six knives on my belt. Dagger and bolts around the waist. Two knives up each sleeve. Two bandoleers around my chest, each with five knives. Falchion strapped on my back._

I've captured a pirate ship, defeated two assassins, escaped from the clutches of insane dragons, survived the exodus, survived an oven, survived a poison that nearly killed a pony, survived the rage of a heartbroken princess, killed several naga, fought a unicorn, and fell from Cloudsdale. How hard could protecting one chick be?

There was a blinding light as someone teleported in. I flinched, instinctively tightening my grip on the crossbow. "Princess Cadance, I presume?" I asked before the light was fully gone.

She nodded. "Cadance will be fine, Navarone. I've heard a lot about you." She was pink. Not as pink as Pinkie, but still pink. Her hair was white, pink, and purple. A more girly pony I don't think I had ever seen. I caught a sight of her cutie mark and had to repress a gag; it was a blue heart. "Before we go to the party, would you mind catching me up? I haven't been paying much attention to… current events. I've been a bit busy."

"I just discovered I am immune to poison, and because of that allowed something dangerous to get to Blueblood. This is the… fourth day of this bloody party, I think. The days are molding together since I haven't gotten any sleep."

She looked concerned. "No sleep? If you need rest you can take it, Nav!" I grimaced slightly when she called me Nav, but I didn't say anything. "I don't think I will be harmed here."

"Nay, Princess. I do not sleep come the spring and summer. I am just getting used to it again."

"Please Nav, call me Cadance. I grow so weary of the stuffiness of the Canterlot court, and Celestia spoke so highly of you…"

"Very well. Keep your magic to yourself and I will call you Cadance."

She gave an empty-headed giggle at that. "Celestia told me about your… aversion… to love. Given your situation with Luna—"

"That's your cue to stop talking," I interrupted, gripping the crossbow tighter, gently stroking the trigger.

"I don't think you would hurt me."

I pointed the crossbow dead at her. "Try me." Her smile dropped. Not so sure now, are you?

Her eyes went from the crossbow to me. "We can talk later. I have a party to attend. Take me there."

I lowered the crossbow and led her back to the main party. "This building rivals the palace!" she exclaimed in wonder as I led her down the halls.

"Aye, the Notre Dame is beautiful. It was always considered a wonderful achievement in my world. I suppose the same is true here."

"Beautiful, eh? Kind of like Luna?"

"If you open your mouth again, I swear I'm gonna break it." She giggled. I shook my head in disgust as I threw open the door to the main room of the party. Most of the people there were just milling around idly. "Oh yes, you need a mask. It can wait, I suppose."

Her horn glowed for a second and a pair of heart-shaped glasses, tinted with a rose shade, appears on her face. I really, _really _wish I could explain the symbolism of that to her, but I didn't feel like doing it in front of everyone in the party.

I turned to face them all to find they were staring at Cadance. "Ladies and gentlemen and Jocasta," I said rather loudly, "This is Princess Cadance. She is the new representative for Princess Celestia. If anyone dares attack her, I will not kill you. I will do everything to you _but _kill you. Your screams will be heard across the fucking planet. The dog that poisoned Blueblood was sentenced to Tartarus. What you will get will make you wish you were him." I turned to Cadance, who was staring at me in mute horror. "Do you have anything to add, Princess?" I sweetly asked.

She blinked. "My guard is overly zealous," she said in a tone that was a mix between horror and calmness. "Please, let the party continue. And just call me Cadance, by the way." The party-goers looked around awkwardly before the music continued. It was some kind of Latin American stuff. Cadance turned to me. "Can I… Can I talk to you in private?"

"Later, Cadance. You have a party to mediate." I waved my arm to the large group of people around the area.

She gave me a look of concern and bit her lip lightly. After a moment she sighed and made her way to a large mass of party-goers. I followed, doing my best to watch every angle at once. I couldn't stay perfectly vigilant, but if she was going to get attacked it wasn't going to be in front of me.

We survived the first party, thank God. Sadly, she retired early. I followed her out, given that I wasn't going to be letting her out of my sight for very long. We got back to a side hallway. "So… where's my room?" she asked.

…Fuck. "I have no idea," I answered with a shrug.

"Well, where did Blueblood sleep?"

"Bugger all if I know. He told me not to follow him at night, thank God. Given that he found a different mare every day I really can't complain." Though I'm hardly innocent of _that _crime.

"Fine. Then where is _your _room? You said you don't sleep, so I can just take your bed."

Double fuck. She was correct in that I don't sleep. She wasn't quite correct that the bed hadn't already been… used. I was hoping that this place had some manner of maid service or something that cleaned while we were away.

I led the way to my room, watching everyone with an evil eye as we passed them. Thankfully, my bed had been cleaned and fixed up. The room wasn't aired out, but honestly I didn't care if she could smell the sex as long as she wasn't sleeping in all that funk.

When we were both inside, I finally slung the crossbow over my shoulder.

"About that threat you made," she started.

"I meant it," I said before she could continue. She gaped. "Celestia needs me, yes. But I need her more. If someone ruins my reputation with her by attacking you, they will be in several worlds of pain all at once. I'm going to live for quite a long time, and if I have to live that length of time in prison because someone fucks this up for me then that someone is going to pay."

"Celestia is not cruel, Nav," she told me. "She wouldn't do that to you."

"I'm not going to take chances."

She gave a sweet smile. "Then I know you wouldn't hurt me for talking to you about Luna!"

I clapped my hands and pointed them over my shoulders at the door. "I'm out. Good night, Cadance." I turned to find the door blocked by a light blue aura. I unslung my crossbow and fiddled with it. Without turning, I said, "I told you to keep your magic to yourself."

"I just want to talk!"

I whirled around and shot my crossbow dead at her. She flinched, dropping her magic. I swung back around and ripped the door open before she realized I just dry-fired at her. "I said good night!" I called as I pulled the door shut behind me.

"You win this round!" she said from behind the door.

I sighed. "It's going to be a long night…"

A long night later, Cadance opened my door with a grin on her face. "I may be interrupting wedding planning for this, but at least I'm having a bit of fun!"

I blearily stared at her. I had been watching the wall for the past five hours. Just… staring. Not moving at all. I don't remember the last time I blinked.

"Nav, are you okay?"

I opened my mouth and croaked something. I coughed and I swear some dust came out. "Fine," I rasped. _I'm going to start carrying a canteen again_. I don't even remember when I got out of that habit. I popped my neck and she flinched at the sound. I moved to my fingers and she flinched at each one of those, too.

"What are you doing, Nav?" she finally asked as I moved to my legs.

"Limbering up. I haven't moved in a few hours."

"Celestia told me you weren't like a guardspony."

"I'm usually not. Now, where to?"

"Where can we get some breakfast?"

I smiled darkly. I was about to give her another reason to hate me. I led her to the buffet room, where there were meals laid out for every race in attendance.

There were griffins in attendance.

Griffins eat meat.

She was rather visibly disturbed when I joined her at the table with a plate full of bacon. Look, I fucking love bacon, and this was the first place in this world that ever had any.

"You eat _meat_?" she asked, quite surprised.

"I can eat meat, some vegetables, most fruits, and fish. I don't eat often anymore, with this damnable magic sustaining me, but I am still an omnivore." I smiled darkly and showed her my canines. She flinched upon seeing them.

After a moment, she said, "You don't have to pretend to be evil around me, Nav. I know you aren't like that."

I picked up a piece of bacon and bit into it. God it was great. When I swallowed, I said, "I know. But it's fun watching you squirm." It really was funny. I know I'm a bad person for thinking that, but I'm okay with being a bad person.

She shook her head with a smile. "And now that I know you're just doing it for my reaction, what makes you think I'll be giving you one?"

"Oh, I'm just getting started." Well actually, I was pretty much done, but I was hoping the anticipation would keep her wound up.

And that's when Kumani sauntered up to our table and sat across from me. "Hello, Navarone," she said to me in a breathy voice. She nodded at Cadance. "Cadance." She turned back to me. "I heard you're taking princesses into your bed now. Too good for us simple folk?"

Cadance was taking a sip of some kind of juice when Kumani mentioned her being in my bed. That juice was shortly all over the table and the chair across from her.

I grinned. "I'll admit that some princesses catch my eye. This one isn't one of them. She slept in my bed last night, and I stood guard at the door. I do hope you don't mind your place being usurped; if it would make you feel any better we can find somewhere to continue our… activities."

Cadance was now staring at me in horror.

Kumani gave me a lusty grin. "You were standing guard at the door, you said. How about we meet there instead?" Her tongue flicked out, tasting the air. I felt her tail reach me under the table as she whispered, "I like the thrill of possibly being _caught_!"

I matched her grin. "I can do my job and have fun at the same time. I see no downsides here."

Kumani reached up between my legs and onto the table with her tail. She grabbed a piece of bacon before pulling her tail back. Cadance stared at it, her pupils shrunken to pinpricks. Kumani brought the bacon up to her mouth with her tail and wrapped her tongue around it, drawing it in and swallowing without chewing. "It's a date," she said, standing. "I'll see you soon, Nav," she winked. She looked back to Cadance and nodded. "It's been a pleasure." She walked off, humming lightly.

Now, I did say I was done fucking with Cadance, but that was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. I happily continued munching on my bacon while Cadance just looked ahead with a thousand yard stare.

When I finally finished the plate, she blinked a few times and turned to me. "You seduced a dragon," she said, her mind still trying to make sense of this.

"Well, it was kind of mutual. She wanted to see what kind of exotic love-making skills I could bring to the table, and I've just always kind of wanted to fuck a dragon." Well, ever since I got over the whole interspecies thing. I'm just glad she was close to my size.

"I thought you couldn't love!"

"I can't. I can, however, make love." She looked at me, confused. "We have sex, Cadance. Nothing more." The look of confusion turned to another look of horror. I grinned. "I gotta say, the things she can do with that tongue are quite fun."

"You don't understand, Nav! Dragons mate for life!"

I raised an eyebrow. She had a really good poker face. "No they don't, Cadance. I did a shitload of research on dragons a year ago for a friend, and that included following the dragons during their great migration. They definitely don't mate for life."

She clopped a hoof on the table with a smile. "I thought I had you!"

I sighed. "And here I was, thinking you were horrified about me banging a dragon."

"Oh, I definitely am. I just saw a good chance there and I took it. Seriously, Nav, a _dragon_? What's _wrong _with you? And what do you think Luna will think when she finds out?"

I held up a hand with three fingers. "Yes, a dragon." I ticked my ring finger off. "If I made you the list of things wrong with me we'd be here all day." I ticked my pointer finger off, leaving my middle finger standing. "And if Luna brings it up, this is what I'll tell her," I said, raising my hand a bit more and flipping Cadance off.

"I… I don't get it."

"Can't say that I'm surprised. Hurry up and finish eating."

"Nav, you're going to hurt Luna if you keep acting like this."

"She tried to murder me three fucking times and she gave me love poison. She can take a little damn pain. Given that she knows I don't love her anyway, I fail to see the issue here. Besides, humans don't even feel the same way about sex as some ponies do; it's just physical, not emotional." Now that was definitely a lie; most humans are more conservative than ponies. That is how _I _feel, though.

She gave me a very heartbroken look. "Are all humans like you?" she whispered.

"No. I came into this world with a few traits of a sociopath, and everything I've done and seen since haven't helped any. I am irreparably broken, and that is more liberating than you can possibly know."

"It sounds horrifying. How can you be happy about that?"

"Because it means I don't care that you are horrified of me. I don't care if you hate me or if you love me. I don't care if I hurt your feelings. I was getting better for a little while, but… Well, never mind about that. Eat, so we can get back to the festivities."

She looked more like she was about to puke. "You need help. A lot of it. You aren't leaving my side until you feel again." I saw her horn glow. I jumped back from the table, the chair toppling behind me. I had my dagger out before I realized she was just picking up a spoon. "I'm not going to use magic against you, Navarone. That spell just reminds two ponies already in love that they feel that way. You… You are empty. That spell would do nothing to you."

I gave a sigh of relief as I picked the chair up and settled back down. She continued, "Besides, it only works if the two ponies are in close proximity. It's just me here, and I'm getting married in a few days."

I snorted softly. "My condolences, then."

"I know! I should be with my Shining Armor right now, not here at this… party." Not exactly what I meant, but meh.

"Wait, Shining Armor? Like, Twilight's brother?"

"You know Twilight?"

"Yeah, she's the one that accidentally summoned me here. I've been living in her tree house ever since."

"Oh, you're the monster that's been living with Twilight!"

"Well, I'm one of them; she also has a dragon for a pet."

"Spike's not a pet!"

"Yeah, slave is more accurate. But we digress; who called me a monster this time?"

"Oh, no pony…" She was lying.

"Right, and I'm having an affair on the side with Celestia. Who was it?"

She grimaced lightly. "You really get around, don't you?"

"I don't sleep at night. I have to find _something _to do in my spare time. But that was a joke." Not a lie, though. "Who was it?"

"Shining Armor, a few years ago. I haven't heard him mention it in a while, though."

I shrugged. "I've been called worse by better. Now let's get to this bloody party." I think she took offense to that, but she didn't put up a complaint as I led her to the main room.

Nothing happened all that day either, thankfully. If anyone cares, the party was tribal themed.

When we got back to my room, I foolishly led her inside again. The door locked shut and was bound by magic yet again. Before she could say anything, I said in a conversational tone, "I destroyed the horn of a unicorn once. I never did find out what happened to the mare, but I don't think she was able to survive long after that. It wasn't even that hard to do; just shoot it at the right spot and it crumbles like dust…" I finished, hefting my crossbow with a smile.

She was just smiling. _Damn, she learned._ "So how do you really feel about Luna?"

My smile dropped. "I'm not talking about this. Open the door."

"You can either tell me about her or you can spend the night in here, away from your dragon friend."

"Have you ever pissed off a dragon? I have, and it was terrifying." Actually, I pissed off an entire dragon migration of them.

"I think she'll understand. This is a matter of the heart, after all, not of the… _loins_."

"My 'heart' is nothing more than an engine forged from the remnants of a dead star, Cadance." She blinked. I loved that quote. "I neither need nor want help in what I'm planning for Luna. And I really don't feel like talking anymore, so open the door."

"Not until I fix you!"

It is times like these I'm glad I always leave my window open. I sprinted across the room and jumped right out it, spreading my wings and catching the currents to keep me above the ground. I followed the building around to the entrance and made my way inside and back to my post to begin the long night.

At least this time I would have company…

A long—and fun—night later, Cadance cracked the door open and saw me standing in the same position as last time, but with a small smile on my face. She looked at me with bloodshot eyes. "Get a room next time, Nav," she said hoarsely.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"That's it. You're guarding me until my wedding. If you're going to make me suffer, I can make you suffer!"

"Oh come now, lass! I have a daughter back home; you shouldn't keep me away from her for so long."

She snorted. "You? A daughter? Why do I find that hard to believe?"

"I find it hard to believe as well. Especially when I remember that she was actually given the choice to stay with me versus staying at the palace."

She waved a hoof. "She can come to Canterlot until the wedding, then; I _do _still need some flower fillies, after all."

"Yeah, she won't be interested in that. You can ask her, but I don't think she will."

"It's a royal wedding! What kind of little filly wouldn't want to be involved?"

"The kind that was abandoned in Egypt and surrounded by violent people that did who knows what to her." She looked rather shocked at that. "Now come on. Let's get you breakfast so we can go back to the bloody party. Just two more days and we can go back home."

She sighed wistfully, her eyes going faraway. "Soon, my Shining Armor," she whispered. She blinked and shook her head. "Lead the way, Nav. We can talk later."

Fat chance of that. I led the way to the buffet area. From the looks of things, today's party was Greco-Roman. Shame Pinkie couldn't be here; this entire event would be an awesome experience for her. _I'll bring her to the next one if I get pulled into it._

The day went well. The only thing it was missing was a massive orgy at the end, and for all I know there might have been one; we left too early to find out.

I didn't follow her into the room, this time. I'm slow sometimes, but I do learn my lesson eventually.

On the seventh day, the party was Valhalla themed.

As I followed Cadance through the halls on the way to breakfast, I couldn't help but notice all the naga and griffins about, preparing weapons and talking in little groups. That in itself made me nervous, and I kind of wish I had been given a schedule of the events.

When we got to the breakfast hall, I saw how it was laid out. Basically, think of a typical Viking hall. If that doesn't help, think Beowulf. If that doesn't help, fuck you. I was grinning like a madman at that point. Cadance got her breakfast and went to a side table.

"No, Cadance. You're the representative of Celestia. You sit at the center of the main table," I told her.

She looked around, and then back to me. "Must I?"

"Yes. It is proper form, to indicate that you are the head of the clan." She rolled her eyes but went up to the front and sat at the center chair. I stood at her right side, watching everyone else.

Eventually, one of the naga came up to us. He looked to me. "Human, will you be representing your species in the games today?"

_What_? "What?" I asked.

The naga smiled darkly. "The free-for-all planned for the evening. Are you going to be in it representing the humans?"

Oh hell no. I'm not stupid. "I… I would love to," I responded. His smile deepened. "But I have to protect the princess, so I will be unable to."

Cadance looked at me with an evil smile. "I'll be fine, Navarone. You have your fun." She knew what I was trying to do, that evil bitch.

I was committed to it now, though. I looked to the naga. "I'll need the rules. I wouldn't want to get disqualified offhand."

"If you use weapons, get them blunted with magic. We want to have fun, not to cause bloodshed. If you get knocked out or take a killing blow—you'll know if you do—you are out and will be teleported from the field. It's every race for itself, and each team can field three representatives. The only races that usually contend are the ponies, the dragons, the naga, the griffins, and the dogs. The cats will have a presence this year, as will the humans, apparently. The cats are fielding just two representatives, and you're alone on the human team. If you want to see the score—to find out who is still alive and who has the biggest kill-count, just look to the sky."

"What kinds of weapons can we use?"

"Anything you have. The only restrictions are on area-of-effect weapons, like dragon fire. I look forward to seeing you in action, Navarone." With that, he nodded and left.

Cadance giggled. "This is going to be fun…"

"You just want to watch me get my ass kicked, you little sadist." One hit from most of the races on the field would probably 'kill' me.

"I think you'll do just fine, Nav. It's a shame Blueblood had to miss this; I know how much he loves going to these games. Still, his loss is my gain; I've heard tales about this tournament ever since Shining Armor went one year."

Well, if I fuck up at least I won't die. I don't do well in open fights like this, but I should be fine.

The rest of the day up until the challenge pretty much went by in a blur. I made plan after plan and had to discard them all; each year the tournament area was changed to a new theme and no one ever knew what it was until an hour before the competition. Last year it was actually a gladiator-style roman arena.

This year… This year it was an urban environment. That was good news for me; it meant I actually had a chance to not die first. All of the competitors were gathered in one area and each group was given a map of the arena. A group of unicorns stood to one side, enchanting weapons to make them safe. I had all of my gear done in private, making sure no one saw my collection of weapons; I wanted to give myself some kind of advantage, and private consultations were allowed.

Jocasta and Miguel found me not long after I had my weapons done. "Navarone," Jocasta said, "would you be interested in… working together, perhaps?" Miguel was giving his psychotic smile.

"Is that allowed?" I asked.

"There will be one race as a winner," she answered. "But anything goes in the actual competition."

I thought it over for all of a second. I knew they were going to betray me, but I didn't know when. _Don't let them behind my back._ I nodded. "I'm in." They came closer. "As I can see it, this is the ranking in terms of what needs to die first: Dragons, ponies, naga, griffins, dogs."

"Ponies are weak," Miguel said. "No weapons."

"But they have magic, and magic is allowed," Jocasta answered. "Navarone is correct. Cats don't do well in open fights, so we wait and watch for a while. Griffins and naga have an ancient feud in this competition, so they'll be fighting each other first. Dogs don't like ponies, so the dogs will likely find them first. Dragons…" She eyed my crossbow. "Navarone, you keep your eyes on the sky. If you see a good chance to bring one of them down, take it."

I pulled out my map. "We each get teleported in at different areas," I said. I pointed to where I suspected the dragons would be entering. "This is where I go in." If they were going to betray me before the round started, I wanted them to pay for it quickly. "Where will we meet?"

She pointed at the opposite side of the map. "This is where we enter."

"So we meet in the middle," Miguel said. "And we kill everything on the way."

"No, that's fucktarded," I answered. "Alone we are weak. Together, we're still pretty weak, but at least we'll be better off." I traced a line down to the corner opposite of where I actually spawned. "This is where we meet." They both nodded and broke off.

A few minutes later I was joined by the naga. "Human," their leader said, "you fight alone this day. Would you care to join us as we vanquish our enemies? Your wings would do us well in the coming battle."

I smiled and pulled out my map. "I'm in. We can meet here," I said, pointing to where I said I would meet Jocasta and Miguel."

"Good! That is close to where we enter the arena. It will be interesting to see you on the field, Navarone. Good luck to you."

Well well. This just got interesting.

The next to join me were the dragons, with Kumani at their head. "What did the cats and naga want with you, Nav?" she asked me.

"They wanted to wish me good luck in the coming fight, since I am going it alone," I answered.

"You know, you don't have to fight alone. There's nothing in the rules against team-ups, though only one race can actually win the main prize."

"You don't say."

She smiled. "Would you happen to be interested?"

I scratched at the beginnings of a beard that was coming in. "How do I know you won't betray me the minute my back is turned?"

"Because to be quite honest, you're no threat to us." All three of them were larger than I was, and if I didn't have weapons on me, each one would be more than a match for me. "But just because you're not a threat to us doesn't mean you can't be useful."

I grimaced lightly but couldn't help a shrug. "Second place is better than last," I finally said, pulling out my map. "How about we meet here?" I said, pointing to the same spot.

She looked at it. "This spot is good; it will allow us to regroup and see how the main battle is going before too much happens. We will meet you there, Navarone." Her dragon friends smiled grimly, flicking tongues out.

This day couldn't get any better.

The next to visit were the griffins, with the grizzled leader I met the first day here at their head. "Navarone, how would you like to help the best fighters in the realm win today?"

"Griffins are honorable," I said. "You wouldn't stab me in the back until the other races are finished off." I wouldn't have the same compunctions. "Pull out your map, I think I know of a good meeting spot."

He did so and I pointed it out to him. He nodded. "Yes, this is where we enter the arena. It will be easy for us to hunker down there and wait while a single soul sneaks across the battlefield."

Well, that takes care of most of the dangerous enemies.

The ponies came by next. "Human," their leader—a unicorn—said, nodding.

"Pony," I answered with a nod.

"You know we are not a very… violent race," the unicorn said. "But you are. We usually do pretty well in these competitions, but we would like to win this year. We think with your help, we might be able to. Since you are unlikely to make much of a difference by yourself, would you be interested in helping us? When the last enemy falls, we can have a fair fight between ourselves to sort the winner out."

"I _was _planning on taking my chances and showing everyone just what humanity is made of, but…" I shrugged. "Here, this is where we can meet," I said, pointing out the very popular location.

He nodded. "We teleport in at this corner," he said, pointing to where the cats told me they were entering. "It shouldn't be hard for us to get there."

"Good luck, ponies. I look forward to finding out just what kind of fighters you are." They bowed lightly and left.

The dogs approached me with five minutes left before the round started. "You're planning something devious," their leader told me. "We want in."

"I'll tell you my plans one minute before the round starts," I told him. "I don't want to risk it falling through."

"We will wait here, then," he told me.

One minute before the round started, I told him the truth. "I just made an alliance with every race on the map except you guys. They're all meeting in one location to meet up with me. Only I won't be there. But… There will be some survivors of the massive tangle that's going to happen. If you are interested, I could use the help mopping up."

The leader looked incredulous. "And you won't just betray _us _as well? I don't think so, human. We'll do this solo, as we always have. But we also won't betray you; I will enjoy seeing your plan in action."

With that, we all disappeared.

I had been given a 2d map of the fighting field, but that didn't do it justice. It looked like a near copy of Agrabah, from _Aladdin_, without the massive palace. I later learned that it was actually a copy of the sheep capital of Agrabaah. I wish I was joking. I was really hoping to have been able to watch the massive fight go down, but this was probably a lot safer.

I immediately kicked a door in and pushed my way into the small abode. _Hunker down here for half an hour, then fly above the city to pick the survivors off._

There were going to be a lot of people that were very angry at me soon.

I settled down on the comfortable couch, waiting.

When I deemed enough time had passed—and I heard quite enough roars and squawks while waiting—I pushed myself up and peered out the door, looking both ways down the street and up into the air. _No fliers_. I cautiously stepped out, a dagger in one hand and the crossbow in the other.

Seeing nothing and not being attacked, I looked into the sky at the scoreboard. It was me on the human team, Miguel on the cat team, all three of the dogs, and a naga. The dogs and I were the only team with no kills. I jumped into the air and soared over to the battleground.

It was just completely _wrecked_. I saw scorch marks on a few of the walls, probably where the unicorn was trying to fight. I nodded to myself, smiling. I saw one of the doors push open and I darted to a roof to watch.

The dogs rushed out in a very military-like fashion. "That human does good work," the leader said with approval as he looked into the sky. "We spend the whole time hiding and he takes down most of the enemies for us. Watch out for that freak, boys; he has wings. We'll take this nice and slow. I know I heard the naga roaring in pain, so he's probably injured."

"You got it, boss," the other two said. They didn't sound that smart.

I lined a shot up on one of them and considered taking it. _I could do it. Easily._

A weight hit the roof next to me. "Ready when you are, Navarone," Miguel whispered.

I flinched. I didn't even hear him behind me. "We'll wait until their backs are turned," I answered. "You jump down, screaming a war cry. I'll shoot the leader while you have him distracted. The other two should be easy meat after that." And then it'll just be me and the naga, after I betray Miguel…

The dogs whispered something to themselves and started off at a slow speed, turning their backs to us. Dogs have really good ears. I figured they heard everything we said.

"Now!" I whispered, pushing myself as far away from Miguel as I could get.

It was a good thing I did; he pulled the dagger back that he tried to stab me with and jumped to his feet. I threw myself off the building and flew to the one on the other side of the street. The dogs all jumped and stared at us. Before anyone could react further I shot Miguel, sending him off the battlefield.

I looked down at the dogs. The two stupid ones looked to their leader as I reloaded. "SCATTER!" he screamed. One of the dogs jumped to one side of the street and the leader jumped to the other side, each kicking in doors. The other stood in the street, not getting the message. My bolt taught him his lesson. I reloaded again.

I heard a scream from the door the leader jumped into, and he fell out of the building, vanishing before he hit the dirt. The naga slithered out just in time to catch a bolt to the chest. I flew to the side of the street opposite of the building the last dog went into.

"If you come out, I promise to fight fair," I called.

"Really?" I heard his stupid voice answer.

"Of course!" I called back. I muttered, "As fair as any of my fights are."

He stuck his head out and caught a bolt in his forehead.

"Stupid fucking dog," I laughed as I disappeared.

"YOU CHEATED!" I heard as soon as I got where I was going. I was surrounded by everyone that was in the fight.

I held up my arms in a placating gesture. "What rule did I break?" I asked, smiling.

The naga that accused me jerked his mouth closed with an audible click. I heard grinding teeth from several sources.

"Well alright then," I said. "What do I win?"

I saw Cadance pushing her way into the circle from the pony side. "Navarone, just what did you do? All the spectators were watching, but we don't know what happened! None of them," she said, waving head to both sides, "could or would tell us."

"Every race approached me and every race asked me to work with them to fight the others. I agreed and told them where to meet me. I gave them the same spot each time. The only race I didn't agree to help was the dogs, but they did know about the plan."

The griffin leader seemed to growl. "That was dishonorable, Navarone!"

"And yet who is the victor?" I asked. "What is your honor worth when it causes you to lose?"

"As least I lose knowing I did so fairly!" the griffin shouted. I heard an agreement from the naga.

"Navarone's victory was fair," Kumani said. "As soon as you all met him he told you what kind of fighter he was. We were all stupid for having trusted him."

"The dragon is right," Jocasta said, her voice hoarse. "He won using his mind, rather than his skills as a fighter. It is still a victory, like it or not."

The dogs actually snarled at me. "We can get our revenge next year, featherbrains," their leader said darkly, still glaring at me. "You're alright, human. But don't think that means I won't gut you next year."

I'm not competing next year. Fuck that, they'll all tear me to pieces.

The ponies looked to Cadance. "What you did was wrong, Navarone," she said. "But you didn't break any rules. I deem you winner of the tournament. Next year, if you enter the competition, there will probably be rules to prevent what you just did. But I think the others would be hard-pressed to make deals with you, after that. The official awards ceremony begins soon. You all need to be there, as there will be awards in a few areas." She finished that with a bit of distaste. With her special talent being love, she probably wasn't looking forward to having to give out awards for being violent.

The group dispersed. I followed Cadance, reloading my crossbow; the blunting spell wore off as soon as I was teleported off the field. She led me back to the dining hall and sat at the front again. I took my place at her side, as was proper.

"That was wrong, Navarone," she said without turning to face me.

"I know," I answered.

"Then why did you do it?"

"Because fighting isn't about right or wrong. It's about winning. Winning is what matters, and winning with the least amount of effort and personal danger involved is the best option there is."

"And what if you have to hurt an innocent to do it?" she demanded angrily, finally turning to me.

I shrugged. "Sucks for them," I answered.

"And if you hurt a loved one?"

"Then winning doesn't matter anymore." That stopped her. "If you can't win without hurting those you care about, you shouldn't try to win; preserving those you care about is the only real reason to fight, and if you have to go against that then there is no reason to even bother." Her mouth dropped. "So when is this awards ceremony?"

"What did you say?" she whispered.

"I asked when the awards ceremony was."

"Before that."

I blinked. "Sucks for them?"

"After that."

"I'm sorry, Cadance; I don't speak English."

"Well, neither do I! Now what did you say?"

"Nothing, lass."

She smiled. "Foal steps, Nav. Foal steps. It's in an hour; the fight usually takes a lot longer, but with all the contestants converging in one area it went a lot quicker."

"And after the ceremony we can go home?"

"Yep! We can't actually teleport into Canterlot, though; we have to go to Manehattan and take a train in, because of a spell blocking all teleports in and out of the area, aside from what Celestia or Luna does."

"And they can't just pull us in?"

"They need to conserve their strength; there was a threat made against Canterlot recently."

I shrugged. "Whatever. At least I can finally get away from all of this," I said, waving my arm around to everyone, many of whom were now glaring at me.

She just smiled. "Don't forget that you're still going to be guarding me!" I just grimaced. I was planning on talking to Celestia about that. And if she didn't help me, I was planning on talking to Luna about that.

The next hour passed quickly. I got a few congratulations from every race but the naga. The griffins offered me a place as a high-ranking officer or advisor in their army, which I sadly had to decline. I was rather tempted by it, though.

The awards ceremony was nice. There were three awards: Winner, most kills, and best team. I got the 'winner' award, one of the dragons got the killer award, and the griffins got the best team award. My award was a pretty swanky medal and fifteen hundred bits to go along with it.

Oh, and the disapproval of pretty much everyone. But I was okay with that.

With the awards ceremony done, the party was over. And since Cadance was in such a big hurry to get back to her wedding preparations, I didn't get to say bye to any of the people I knew. The good thing is that she teleported all of my cash to 'somewhere safe,' so I didn't have to carry that much money around.

I followed her into the train that was waiting on us, ducking slightly to fit inside. "At least all the danger is over," I said, sighing lightly as I unloaded my crossbow.

"Yep! Now we just need to get back to Canterlot for my wedding! We'll have to get a letter out as soon as we get there so your daughter can attend."

"Look, Cadance, I hate weddings. Do I really have to go?"

"As punishment, yes. You shall go and you shall be my loyal guard."

I sighed. "This is what I get for being a human in a pony's world. You're all just trying to keep me down!"

She rolled her eyes. "No, this is what you get for turning everypony against each other at the tournament. And this is what you get for keeping me awake that night with your… activities. I think it's fair. And this way I can talk to you more about love!"

I groaned as the train started back up. She giggled as she led the way to a private car. She opened the door and gestured me inside. "Ladies first, Cadance," I said with a mocking bow.

She raised an eyebrow. "I don't think you'll follow me in if I enter first," she answered, not moving.

"Oh come now, when have I ever let you down?"

"Technically never, but that might be because I've never given you a chance."

"See there? I have a perfect track record. Surely you can trust me."

She snorted lightly and stepped into the car. I slid the door shut behind her, locking it in place. I don't know why there was a lock on the outside, but I wasn't complaining.

"I'll get you yet, Navarone!" she called from her side.

"Keep on dreaming, Cadance," I answered, leaning against the door.

An hour later, we pulled into Canterlot. I turned to open the door, to see it covered in a green aura. _Green_? I unlocked it and pulled it open, looking inside. Cadance's horn was glowing green.

I looked at her in shock. Her look masked mine.

"You aren't Cadance," I said in shock. In retrospect, I could have handled that better.

"YOU'RE NOTHING!" she screamed at me, her eyes widening in surprise. My hand jerked to a dagger as her horn glowed green again. I lurched toward her, dagger drawn, when my entire body became enveloped in flame, leaving me in darkness.

Man, I'm a shitty guard.


	35. Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Three—Weddings to ruin, cheese legs to taunt

"What the fuck just happened?" I asked aloud, not really expecting an answer.

I suddenly saw a faint glowing. I whipped my head that way, dropping into a fighting stance. I saw Cadance looking my way in fear.

That fear turned to true happiness. "Thank Celestia, you're okay! I thought she was going to hurt you!" She rushed forward and hugged me, which was somewhat awkward, what with me holding a dagger and all.

When she let me go I looked around. "So who was that and where are we?"

She grimaced. "That was a changeling." I had read about them. They feed on emotions, particularly enjoying love. They can take on the shape of anything they want. "As to where we are… I think we're in the mines under Canterlot."

I blinked. "That's impossible. A city as big as Canterlot produces a lot of weight. If there were tunnels under there, the city would have collapsed. That's the reason Paris doesn't have any skyscrapers."

She looked at me blankly. _Oh right. Magic_.

"So how do we get out?" I asked.

Her light grew much stronger, illuminating the entire area. After a few minutes of checking, we found that there was no way out. We were stuck.

She started crying lightly.

"Cadance, can't you just… teleport us out?"

She blinked, her tears stopping momentarily. Her horn glowed brightly for a moment before fizzling. We heard laughter echoing through our little chamber. "There is no escape from your little prison," we heard Cadance's voice say. "These stones have magical properties. Short range teleportation is possible, but you can't get far enough away."

"Show yourself!" Cadance demanded. We just heard laughter again, and it slowly faded away.

"Well, shit." She started crying again. I sighed at that. "Save your water, Cadance. If we're going to be down here, you're going to need it." Thankfully, I followed my own advice and got a canteen back in Manehattan before we left. I set it down. "One mouthful every hour. We'll decrease it as we need."

She didn't stop crying. "What's going to happen to my Shining Armor?" she whispered.

"That lady is pretty bitchy. I'm sure they'll notice her change in attitude. And when Luna finds out that I disappeared, well… They have ways of finding me. When's the wedding, anyway?"

"Four days," she sniffled.

"See there? Plenty of time to be rescued. Celestia can deep-six that changeling bitch, we get freed, and you can have your happily ever after." That got a smile out of her. "Now come on. How about you tell me about yourself? You've apparently heard so much about me, but I didn't even know there was a third alicorn until a few days ago."

She looked pensive. "Where should I begin? There's not _too _much to tell, but I would like to have somewhere to start."

I shrugged. "How about starting from where you met Twilight? That seems like a common point of interest."

She smiled and told me how she was Twilight's foal sitter. Apparently that's how she met Shining Armor. We talked about her until she finally passed out, sleeping deeply. To be quite honest, I wasn't feeling that great either… I put my head down for a moment…

And woke up to Cadance groaning. I shot up. "I was asleep!" I gasped. I guess not having any sun or much light was affecting me pretty harshly.

"And we're still here!" she moaned. "I need to stop her before she sucks the love out of my groom!"

"Relax, Cadance. It's only been one night. She probably claimed to have sent me home and then went straight to bed, stating weariness from the journey. There's still three full days before the wedding."

She sighed, calming down. "You're right, of course. We'll be just fine." We were silent for a moment. "So tell me about yourself, Nav. We talked about me yesterday. Surely you have some tales about yourself as well."

"Well, you already know about Luna, so that's the darkest secret." I don't think I should mention the brightest secret of Celestia. "I might as well start at the beginning." I did just that. We talked until we were tired again. We slept next to each other for warmth. I wasn't very comfortable with waking up being spooned by a pony, but I've been through worse. I extricated myself from her before she woke up and didn't mention it.

She grew increasingly despondent and I grew increasingly weak as the third day went by. I don't want to write down some of what was said. It hurt me to see someone so happy and full of life be brought down like this. And it also hurt me to grow so weak from not having any sun.

We woke up the fourth day to the sound of explosions. "Did you hear that?" I asked as I sat up, rubbing my eyes. The canteen was long emptied, meaning we had to deal with crusty mouths.

"It sounded close…" she said.

"A cave-in, maybe." We heard it again. "That was right next to us!" We went over to the wall we heard it coming from. I tapped my fingers on it. "This is hollow! Can you break it with magic?"

Her horn glowed for a second before the wall exploded. "Good job," I said to her.

"That wasn't me," she whispered, watching as the dust cleared.

"Twilight?" we both said at the same time, seeing her there.

"YOU!" she screamed, jumping at Cadance.

The strength of her tackle sent them a few feet into our chamber. I rushed in and pulled Twilight off Cadance. "This is the real one, Twilight! Calm down."

"And how do I know _you're_ real, hm?" she harshly asked.

"Because if you get us out of this I'll consider forgiving you for letting the dragons almost kill me."

That calmed her down. "It _is _you! Thank Celestia! But… if you're the real Cadance, who is the other one?"

"A changeling," Cadance answered. "They can look like anypony they want to, and feed off emotion. We have to stop her!"

"Damn right. But first we have to get out," I said.

Twilight smiled. "I can just teleport us out!"

"Nope. Short range teleportation only down here," I said. "We tried that when we first got here."

She sighed and looked back the way she came. We all turned our gaze that way and saw a faraway glint. I felt air stirring gently over my arm hair.

"That way," we all said, pointing the same direction. We started running.

After a moment, I said, "Do… Do you hear music?"

Cadance began to sing. _For fuck's sake._ At least it was a pretty good song, though I felt like we were only hearing half of it. Given that this style of song was often sung with one happy side and one evil side, I figured her doppelganger was up top, singing the opposite stanzas.

Anyway, cue a long run out of the mine shaft, with a trip on a mining cart included. I flew alongside it, not trusting it. It ended with us facing three evil bridesmaids, one of which was Lyra and one of which was Colgate. They were easily taken care of, though sadly my suggestion of punching them in the face wasn't taken; Cadance actually just distracted them with a bouquet of flowers that appeared out of nowhere.

"Where's the wedding happening?" I asked as we ran into Canterlot, bypassing the shield around the city. I felt the energy surging through me as the sunlight hit my hair.

"In the Royal Overlook," Twilight answered, huffing slightly. I knew where that was.

I smiled. "Divide and conquer. You go in and distract them. I'll come in from behind and kill this cunt while her back is turned."

They nodded, both too tired to speak. I took off into the air, flying to the outside of the overlook. When Twilight and Cadance burst in, I would be in the perfect position to shoot this changeling in the back. I held on for dear life, hoping no one saw my fingers gripping the edge. After a few minutes, I heard someone barge in, interrupting the ceremony. I heard some pointless exposition and then an explosion. I propelled myself up, letting the air catch my wings and aiming the crossbow at a cylinder of green fire.

I gaped when I saw the changeling's true form. _That is so very, very badass. Why can't the good guys ever look like that? _She was shaped like a pony, with dragonfly-like wings, each one ragged and covered in holes. _Not practical, but I guess magic helps_. She had a horn on her head that was all kinds of fucked up: It jutted in three different directions, angling sharply. Her four legs had holes drilled through the lower halves so that you could see clear through. Her hair was a long and straight light blue. She appeared to have a crown or something on her head. There looked to be some kind of green saddle or something strapped to her back. She also looked unhealthily skinny. I couldn't see it at the time, but later I found her eyes were neon green with lizard-like irises. She had large fangs for teeth.

I shook my head and readied the shot, aiming at the base of her neck. She stepped in front of Shining Armor, cutting off my shot. I gripped my crossbow nervously. _If I move too much she might see me_. She was going on and on about some plan. _God, even her_ voice _is awesome!_ I ducked behind a pillar until I heard her move again and continue talking. I moved back out. This time Celestia was in my way. _For fuck's sake!_

Lacking anything else to do, I actually started listening to her. Apparently she was the queen of the changeling race or something, meaning it was… It was… Her job to secure food. I looked at her body again.

_She's starving. Literally starving_. She wasn't doing this to be evil, she was doing this out of desperation. She had no choice, if she wanted to look after her people.

Celestia finally spoke up. "No, you won't." In reply to something about taking over Equestria. "You may have made it impossible for Shining Armor to perform his spell, but now that you have so foolishly revealed your true self, I will protect my subjects from you!" That last was said while jumping into the air and launching a spell at the queen. The queen countered with one of her own.

Well, Celestia did kind of have a point. What this changeling did was still wrong, even if it was for a good reason. All of that went through my mind very quickly as I readied a shot. I hesitated for an instant, watching the flow of things. For a second it looked like Celestia would come on top easily, but then the changeling began to push back.

"Nope," I said aloud as my finger tightened on the trigger, sending a bolt right at the queen's chest. It bounced off, but it was enough of a distraction to give Celestia the upper hand, bringing her spell down to the queen and knocking her back into a pillar with a nasty crunch. The queen slid to the floor with a thud, knocked clean out.

Most everyone in the room was pretty shocked with this whole turn of events. Cadance reacted first, sprinting up to the stage and doing her best to wake Shining Armor up from his stupor. Her horn glowed for a brief moment and a heart leapt out of it, hitting him in the head. I flinched, reminded of my bad experience with the need it/want it spell. He flinched as well, shaking his head clear.

Celestia and I walked over to the changeling queen, while Twilight ran up to her friends—standing where the bridesmaids would be. "I was wondering when she would show her hoof," Celestia mused aloud as we looked down on the unconscious queen. "That wasn't a dog at the party, it was a changeling."

"I told you that you should have let me question it," I said, looking down at the queen.

"I knew it was a changeling as soon as I read its memories, Navarone. I didn't tell anypony because I wanted the queen to show her hoof. They can disguise as anypony they want, so I didn't know who I could trust. When you disappeared, I knew the queen had taken Cadance. But without knowing where you and the real Cadance were, I didn't want to risk letting her know I knew. I could faintly see you with the eavesdropping spell, but I couldn't teleport you out." I saw a bright pink light behind us and I turned around. Shining Armor was back. Apparently it was his job to keep the protection spell up around the city. It had grown weak while his mind was being corrupted, so he just strengthened it.

"Well, we won. This queen is still very powerful, though. If I hadn't intervened, she would have won that little duel."

"You are correct, Navarone. That is why I'm going to banish her to Tartarus before she wakes up."

I turned to Celestia. "That would be genocide, Celestia. What she did was wrong, yes, but can you honestly say you would have done differently if your people were starving?"

Her eyes hardened. "I would have asked first," Celestia answered.

"So you're going to condemn the entire race to death because of the mistakes of their queen? Surely I am not the only one that can see the use of a race that can shape-shift at will. And if all you have to do is feed her love, it shouldn't be that hard to find an agreement."

She sighed. "You aren't wrong. Watch her. If she moves at all, yell." She walked away and I turned back to the queen, reloading my crossbow. I picked her crown off her head and looked at it. _Is this made of… fungus?_ I put it back on her head, shuddering lightly. As I did so, I couldn't help but feel her mane. _It's like moss… Just what the hell is this chick made of?_ I tapped her jet black horn. It felt like every other horn.

I stood back up, hearing others approach. "And you just want me to put her in a bubble?" Shining Armor asked, sounding incredibly surprised.

"Yes, I do," Celestia answered. "I don't want your wedding day to be ruined by knowing the pony guilty for almost ruining it is running free. We shall deal with her after the wedding." The queen shifted. I had my crossbow up in an instant, pointed at her head. "Now!" Celestia commanded. His horn glowed, wrapping the queen in a see-through pink bubble. The bubble gently rose a bit off the ground. The queen shifted again, and then was still.

"Princess, we uh… We have a problem," Twilight said. We all looked her way. She was looking outside, up.

"Navarone, stay here. Watch her. Shining Armor, come with me." They walked over to the edge and looked up. I heard Shining Armor whistle lightly. Celestia turned to him. "Can you move that bubble?"

"Yes, princess."

Celestia looked at the crowd. "Go to your homes, my little ponies. The wedding will be postponed for one week. Do not panic at the sight awaiting you in the skies; we are all perfectly safe." They slowly began to filter out. Celestia turned to the collection of bridesmaids and the others. "Rainbow Dash, Cadance, grab Shining Armor. Shining Armor, carry the bubble with the queen. Navarone, come with me and be ready to fight." We all did as she asked. The bubble drifted over to the group. "Now follow me, everypony." We walked to the edge and jumped into the air, Cadance and Rainbow Dash carrying Shining Armor.

I looked up. _Holy fuck._ There was an entire _horde _of changelings above us. We flew up to the main concentration of them and hovered there. Slowly the horde sorted itself out and one very large one was staring at us standing on the shield.

"Navarone, stick your hand out of the shield," Celestia ordered.

_Are you fucking crazy?_ I did as she asked. The big changeling grabbed it. "Pull him in," she told me. I did.

"You have our queen," the guy rasped. He wasn't angry or sad. Just matter-of-fact.

"She will be well-treated, pending your behavior," Celestia answered. "If you desire, you may pick one changeling to keep her company. The queen will be staying here for a little while. Depending on how our talks go, she will either be returning home or she will be taking an extended vacation to Tartarus."

Cadance, Shining Armor, and Rainbow Dash all looked at Celestia like she was crazy.

The changeling nodded. "You are merciful," he rasped. "I am needed to guide our people until a new queen may be chosen or ours is returned to us." He looked up. One changeling immediately struck the shield, trying to get to us. He turned to me. "That one," he said. "Pull her through." I looked to Celestia, who nodded. I reached up and let the changeling grasp my arm. I tugged her through. The male turned to the new one. "Protect the queen. You will be her only servant for some time."

"Yes, commander!" the female said.

The commander turned to Celestia. "This is Doppel. She is one of Queen Chrysalis's maids. She will not misbehave."

Celestia nodded and turned to Doppel with a smile. "Welcome to Canterlot."

Shining Armor slipped slightly. Cadance looked down. I knew she was weak from her time in the caves. Celestia said, "Rainbow Dash, take them down. Cadance, get some food in you, and then go get some proper sleep. We can take this from here. Doppel, go with your queen."

With a chorus of "Yes, princesses," they all left. Celestia and I were left with this commander fellow.

She turned to him. "I want your ponies away from Canterlot, commander. I want them away from Equestria entirely, but I don't think that will be happening…" She thought for a moment. With a bright flash, she summoned a map. "Navarone, where was the entrance to the caves you were trapped in?"

I looked down at the map, and then up to the surrounding countryside. I pointed a spot out on the map. "Around here. But there are three bridesmaids down there, brainwashed. We need to bring them back."

She muttered something dark. "Go with them, Navarone. Lead them to the cave and bring back the three ponies there." Celestia turned to the commander. "If the four of them don't make it back, your queen will suffer."

He bowed his head. "This one," referring to me, "is empty. We do not need him. The others have already been sucked dry by the queen; until they are given a chance to recuperate, they are useless to us."

Celestia didn't look happy about that, but there wasn't much she could do. "Go, Navarone. Come back to me as soon as you get back to the city. We have several important things to discuss. And do not let your guard down."

"I'll be fine, Celestia." She nodded, and began to descend back down to the palace. "So what is your name?" I asked the commander.

"I am called Ditto," he answered. "I am the commander of her majesty's swarm."

"Neat. Shall we?"

"The swarm follows you, Navarone," he answered. I pulled him out of the bubble. When I did, I finally heard the sounds of the changelings. It… It cut into my mind. Think of a swarm of locusts. Now magnify that a hundred-fold, increasing the size of the locusts and the size of the swarm. Beam that sound directly into your brain. Then you'll know a little bit of the sound of that mass of changelings.

It was disquieting, to say the least. It wasn't helping that they were all staring at me with blank expressions. "That's not creepy or anything," I said aloud. They all continued staring.

"Go, Navarone. We follow," Ditto said. I turned and flew to where the entrance to the caverns was. I heard the swarm following me. Ditto flew at my side.

I landed right in front of the entrance. "This is it," I said. "There is a massive cave system down there, with very little light. You'll want to be careful that you don't lose many of your people before you have the system mapped out. But for now, wait out here; I need to go get the ponies out."

"Navarone, what are… people?"

"You and me. We're people." I waved my hand over my shoulder at the changeling army. "Those are people." I pointed to the hole. "The ponies down there are people. 'Your' people would mean all of the changelings under your command." He nodded once. I jumped back into the cave, sliding down the steep incline leading up to the entrance. When I got down, I heard the three ponies fighting for the bouquet.

I walked over to the three. I sighed and ripped Lyra from the group. She struggled at first until I began tickling her tummy with my fingers. She stopped fighting and starting laughing. After a moment, I saw the green eyes that signified someone was mind-wiped by the queen disappear from her and I stopped.

She quickly calmed down. "Where am I? Navarone, is that you? What am I… what am I wearing?"

"You're in the caves below Canterlot, yes it is me, and you are wearing a dress."

"What happened?" she wearily asked, trying to stand to her feet.

"You were brain-washed by the queen of the changelings and had all of the love slowly stripped from your mind, leaving your body weak and under her control."

She looked at me like I was an idiot. "That's stupid. What _really _happened?"

I shook my head. "Not important. Help me wake the others up." That was when she noticed them.

"What are you two doing? This is a joyous occasion, not a time to be fighting!" She used her magic to rip the bouquet from their hooves and threw it over the side of a nearby cliff. We actually teleported up it, the drop was so far. "Come on you two, we have to get back to Canterlot for the wedding!"

They looked at her with glowing green eyes that slowly narrowed. "She broke free," one of them said.

"Not for long," the other answered.

"Uh, Nav?" Lyra whispered, backing into me. "What are they talking about?"

I popped my knuckles, walking past her. "You'll find out when you get back to the castle," I answered.

Two punched out ponies and several new curses added to Lyra's dictionary later, we got the two of them back to the surface.

"Cave's all yours, Ditto," I told him.

He nodded. "Thank you, Navarone. We will settle in shortly. Do you require aid with your charges?"

"I wouldn't say no to the help; I don't feel like dragging either of them back to Canterlot."

"Navarone… What is that?" Lyra stammered. I looked at her and saw she was staring at the changelings, completely terrified. I think she was just now able to form words.

"He is a changeling," I answered. "Now come on, we need to get back."

Ditto gestured to a small group of changelings that came towards us. "Four of you go with them. Escort them to the shell. Carry the unconscious ponies."

Without a word the changelings picked the ponies up and dropped them on the backs of two of their number. They all looked to me. With a sigh I led the way back toward the castle.

"Navarone, what happened to us?" Lyra asked, her voice wavering.

"You were brainwashed by the queen of the changelings, helped almost doom Equestria, and tried to keep Cadance, Twilight, and I from saving the day."

She promptly fainted. One of the changelings threw her over the back of another one. We continued on the way.

As we walked, I tried to draw the changelings into a conversation with no results at all. They all seemed completely blank. After my third attempt I just sighed. Then a thought hit me. "So you guys can change into anything at all, eh? Can you turn into a human?"

The changelings looked at each other. After a moment, the one without a pony on his back mirrored myself, but was walking on hands and legs. He pushed himself to his feet and promptly fell on his ass. I couldn't help a smile as he shifted back to the bug-like changeling. I reached out and pulled him to his feet. I shivered at the feel of his skin—it was like an exoskeleton.

"So you can do bipedal, but you can't stand on two legs without practice. Neat."

One of them turned into Rainbow Dash. One turned into Cadance. One turned into Shining Armor. One turned into Celestia. I laughed. "Oh man, if you guys could talk this would be perfect! I don't suppose you can do magic?"

They looked at each other. Rainbow Dash—the one without a pony on its back—shrugged. I smiled at that. Even as a changeling she was avoiding work. They all turned back to their real shapes; we were nearing the shell and they probably didn't want any of the ponies inside seeing them and assuming they were mocking the princess or something. If they could even think.

I walked up to the shell, smiling at the possibilities of an army of shape-shifters. I heard four thuds behind me as the changelings bumped into the wall. I turned and saw them all on their asses, rubbing their heads. The ponies were on the ground, dropped unceremoniously.

An army of really stupid shape-shifters. I shook my head and waved forward a few guards to help me carry the ponies into town. The guards followed me out of the bubble and glared at the changelings.

"Relax, men. We have their queen; they won't try anything."

One of the changelings turned into a guard, complete with armor. One of the others smacked him in the face, causing him to change back.

I shook my head with a smile. "These guys are fucking awesome. Now go back to the caves, you four. We have it from here."

With bad salutes, they took off and went back to the caves.

"You're getting too close to those monsters," one of the guards said as he hefted Lyra. "Now what happened to these three?"

"They were reluctant to come back. I had to persuade them. Take them to a doctor. Strap the dark blue one and the white one down until the teal one says they can go." With much better salutes, the guards trotted off. I flew back to the overlook to find it almost empty.

The three guards posted there saluted as soon as I landed. "I'm not an officer," I said. "Where's Princess Celestia?"

"Follow me," one of them said. I did just that as he led me through the winding palace. We slowly worked our way into the depths of the palace until we eventually got to the dungeons, where he pawned me off to another guard. I followed him deeper into the depths until we got to where the queen was apparently being kept.

It was just her and Celestia in the room, with the queen being in the bubble. The queen had Celestia's shape.

I watched them glare at each other for a few seconds before loudly closing the door behind me. The both turned their glares to me before the queen gasped. "The void has returned!" she whispered. She shifted to her real shape.

"About time, Navarone," Celestia said. "I am beginning to regret letting you talk me into sparing this changeling. She is incorrigible."

"You should know this lesson by now, Celestia," I said. "If you want respect, you must first give it. Queen Chrysalis is a guest, not a prisoner. She does not belong in the dungeons, though she does belong in her bubble until she proves that she is not a threat." The sound of Celestia's teeth grinding was rather audible, and the queen smirked at her. I turned my gaze up to her. "The same goes for you, _queen_. You did nothing at all to represent your interests here. I asked that you be spared because I understand what you did, not because it was right. You acted like a cunt and you deserve whatever punishment you get because of it. But my species has killed enough other species to know that it is a bad idea to do so, and I know that your people depend on you. I believe that a deal can be made between the ponies and the changelings, but for right now both of you need time to calm down and cool off."

They both glared at me for a moment before turning to each other and smiling. "I told you he would say something like that," Celestia said warmly.

"You were right about him, I'll admit," Chrysalis said, not warmly but at least not harshly.

With a glow of Celestia's horn, we teleported to one of the fine rooms for guests in the palace. Chrysalis's bubble slowly expanded until it covered the entire room. "These are your quarters for now. If you continue acting reasonably, you can stay here. I will try to find a volunteer to… donate… some love to sustain you. Do not harm them overmuch and everything will be fine. We will talk every now and then, and you might receive some visitors. If the visitors are not accompanied by me, Navarone, or Luna, do not let them inside. We will discuss terms in eight days, after the wedding. Now, I would stay, but I must go and fix the mess you made of my kingdom."

Chrysalis nodded, not looking ashamed or anything like that. "Would you mind if I spoke with the void, before you remove it?" she asked.

Celestia turned to me for a second before looking back to Chrysalis. "You can talk with him later. I need him for now. Come, Navarone." Celestia turned and left, leaving the door open.

"I'll send your maid to you when I find her, your majesty," I said with a nod.

She had already turned, examining her room. I saw her horn flash for a moment before fizzling. She gave a frustrated snarl and I left before she noticed I was still there; she might be unable to use magic, but she still deflected a crossbow bolt with her chest.

I gently shut the door behind me, to find Celestia staring at me. "Be careful with her, Navarone. She is old and wily. She may be here because you requested it, but that does not mean she will feel beholden to you."

"I'm not worried about her, Celestia," I answered. "I may be an idiot, but even I am not stupid enough to get close to something like her." I would be visiting a few times, though; she was probably one of the few people in this blasted world I could have a dark conversation with, without being judged. I was tired of getting looks when I mentioned some things.

"Remember that, Navarone. Now come. We have things to discuss." I followed her to that evil sitting room that I hate and want to burn down. She opened the door and went inside. I followed her and stopped.

"Celestia, when did Taya get cloned?"

"It's amazing what happens when you disappear for a week and a half," Twilight said. I didn't even notice her; I was too busy looking at the two Tayas that were staring at me.

I looked at them both. One was Doppel, I knew that much. I looked them both over. After a second I looked to the one on the left. "Daughter, I'm back." The one on the right shifted to a changeling as Taya ran up to me and hugged me.

"Aww, how did you know?" Doppel asked, somewhat disappointed. "I wanted a snack!"

I heard an intake of breath from Twilight. I looked at Doppel. "Father's instincts. Your queen desires you."

"I don't know the way," she answered with a shrug. Celestia's horn glowed for an instant and Doppel disappeared from view.

"Daddy, what's this?" Taya asked, jerking my medal with magic. I didn't even realize I was still wearing it. I pulled it off and showed it to her.

"I won a tournament while I was away," I said. I pulled the bag of bits from my pocket and hefted it slightly. "A raw platinum medal and a large bag full of bits. I don't think it was worth it, to keep me away from my daughter."

She looked up at me, beaming.

Twilight said, "You _won _the tournament, Nav? All by yourself?"

"I sort of cheated, but I did win, yes."

"'Sort of' cheat doesn't quite cover it, Navarone," Celestia said with disapproval. "I've already had complaints from other participants. What you did was nothing short of brilliant, and yet at the same time so darkly underhanded that I feel dirty congratulating you for it. I'm thinking about changing the rules for the first time in history."

I smiled. "Why thank you, Celestia. That means a lot, coming from you." She grimaced.

"Okay, now you _have _to tell the story!" Twilight said.

I explained to her what I did.

"Correct me if I use this phrase wrong, Nav, but… That's fucked up," Twilight said.

I nodded. "You used it correctly. And it most definitely was. Now don't say that word in front of Celestia again; she's too young to hear that kind of language!"

"Ahem," Celestia said. We turned to her. "You didn't break any rules and you were already declared the winner. And you are hereby banned from competing in any further Tournaments of that kind."

I turned back to Twilight. "This is what I get for winning. Do you think that's fair?"

"Navarone, shut up," Twilight simply said.

Human in a pony's world, man. Just not fair. I shook my head.

Celestia ahemmed again. "Now, Navarone, we need to commission you a suit of armor for your knighting ceremony."

"Back up." No one moved. "What was that?"

Celestia smiled at me. "You need a suit of armor to be knighted in. I already have your friend Rarity working on a few designs, but they'll need your approval." I felt my wings slowly stiffen at each word she said, until they were sticking out completely.

I opened my mouth, only to have it forced closed by magic.

"You aren't going to win this argument," Celestia told me. "I am going to knight you and that is that. The ceremony is going to take place immediately after the wedding, so everypony that's important will be there. Your armor should be ready by then. I can commission you a new weapon as well, if you desire."

I felt the magic around my mouth dissipate. "Fuck no." The magic closed my mouth again.

"No new sword. Fine." I shook my head. "We've already been over that, Nav. You don't want a sword." I glared at her. "This isn't a discussion. I. Am. Going. To. Knight. You. There is no choice here." She looked pensive for a moment and raised a hoof to her chin. "Well, there might be a choice, actually. You can let Luna knight you instead. Which would you prefer to be, Nav: A Lunar knight or a Solar knight?"

The magic disappeared again. "Neither," I growled. The magic shut it again.

"Well, you don't have to choose now." I heard Twilight giggling behind me. I turned my glare to her, which just made her giggle more. "Now Twilight, that's no way to congratulate your friend!" Fucking Trolestia. I forced my wings back down. "Princess Cadance will want to speak to you as soon as she wakes up, so you should probably go wash up. And you should get some food in you as well. When you do those, go and talk to Rarity; she'll want to hear your opinion on the armor."

The magic on my mouth disappeared again. I opened my mouth but before I could say anything Celestia said, "Your room is to the right of the queen's." I shut my mouth.

I left the room and stalked away. I heard a gentle clopping following me, and I knew if I turned I would find Taya following me. I slowed down for a moment so she could walk alongside me. "Taya, do not go into the room next to ours for any reason, unless it is with me. And if I ever ask you to go in there without telling you the code word, don't do it."

"What's the code word?"

"Bacon. The lady that lives in there feeds off emotions. A lot of bad things just happened because of her. We are trying to help her, but finding a little filly might be too much of a temptation for her."

"Don't worry about me, daddy."

"I always worry about you. That's my job." She smiled at that. "When did you get here?"

The smile dropped. "Three days ago. Twilight brought me here to be a… _flower filly_. I told her that you wouldn't make me do that, but she said that you weren't here. Celestia agreed with me."

Damn right. "I didn't like doing stuff like that as a child, either. Light, but I hate weddings. I much prefer funerals, but I got banned from them back home; I cracked one too many jokes and my family decided enough was enough." It wasn't quite as strong as the legal order I had banning me from singing, but when the entire family gets behind banning someone from a family event, you don't tend to get invited to many.

"It sure is a shame you're going to be the guest of honor, then!" Pinkie said, jumping out from behind Taya.

Yes, I am aware that doesn't make sense. This is Pinkie Pie.

"Ooh, you reek! Where have you been these past few days?"

"Trapped in some caverns with Cadance," I answered. "It was awful. She wouldn't shut up about love! It was love this and love that. I really wanted to smack her."

"Well duh! She's getting married, Nav! Of course she's talking about love so much. Besides, it's her special talent! Did you see what she did to Shining Armor at the botched wedding?"

"No, I was too busy watching Queen Chrysalis."

"Oooh, is that her name? I was just on my way to visit her now!"

"How did yo—never mind." How did she know where her room was? "I was going to visit her after I take a shower. Wait in my room and we'll go together."

She waved a hoof. "I don't need a foal-sitter, Nav. I'm an adult too!"

"She isn't allowed visitors that aren't accompanied by me, Luna, or Celestia. I'm shacked up right next to her for that reason."

She frowned. "That doesn't seem very fair, Nav. How is she supposed to make friends like that?"

"I don't know." I felt sorry for Chrysalis, at the look of determination I saw on Pinkie's face. "Where is Rarity staying? I will need to talk to her after I visit the queen."

She smiled. "I can lead you there. I have a bit of spare time since the reception is already fully planned, but Rarity is working overtime now that the real Princess Cadance is back!" And when _that _is done, I'll need to eventually talk to Luna.

Pinkie Pie proceeded to repeat the word "Blah" several hundred times in rapid succession while we continued walking to my room. I nodded a few times and giggled when she paused and looked at me expectantly. At one particularly fierce round of them, I shook my head. "I disagree, but I understand why you think that." She glared at me and continued saying 'blah.' When she paused I shrugged. "I'm sorry, that's just my opinion. I don't judge you for it, and I hope you don't think ill of me." She shook her head with a sigh and gave a few conciliatory blahs, and then launched into another quick round. I nodded my head at the end and she clopped her front hooves together quickly, beaming.

I saw Taya next to me staring straight ahead with a thousand yard stare, trying to ignore Pinkie. I felt Taya's pain; I had no idea what was going on. I just found that it's best to humor her sometimes.

When we got to my room, I led the way in and immediately stopped. Pinkie bumped into me and let out a much darker blah. I pushed her out the door and slammed it shut.

On my bed was a very naked female version of me. It was horrifying.

"Doppel, I swear to God if you do not change yourself and get out of my room I will kill you so hard you die to death."

My lips were not made to pout like that. "Don't you want to love me?"

I felt like vomiting. "GET OUT! And if I ever catch you doing this shit again your queen will be punished! You are here as a boon to her, not to satisfy your own desires!" She sighed as she shifted to her changeling form. I nodded. "Tell your queen to expect visitors shortly. I'm bringing two ponies to meet her after I get out of the shower. And if you do not inform her of this incident, I will. Now go." She shifted to Taya's form again as she stood to go. I grabbed her by her throat and lifted her up to my face. "You will not change forms away from your queen's rooms without permission. At all. Or you will be banned from leaving her rooms as well. Do we have an understanding?"

She nodded weakly. I let her fall to the floor. She changed back to her changeling form. "Now get out." She walked to the door, tail between her legs. She opened it and left without a word. Pinkie bounced in and Taya followed.

"What was _that _about, Nav?" Pinkie asked.

I grimaced. "The queen's maid was not clear on a matter of decorum. I informed her of it." I started emptying my pockets. The medal and the bag of bits I had left went to the bed. A large dragon scale followed them. An empty canteen clicked when it bounced off the medal. I started removing weapons and turned to Pinkie. "Touch whatever you want, but don't break anything." I saw a gleam in her eyes. "_What_ever, not _who_ever." She sighed. I looked around the room. "Damn, I'm going to need some clothes."

Taya used magic to open a drawer. I looked inside. I kicked the drawer shut. "DAMMIT!" It was full of brightly colored clothes stamped with Celestia's royal seal. Taya magicked another drawer open and it was full of dark clothes with Luna's seal. "That's not making me any happier, Taya!" She smiled and opened a third one. It had some of my clothes from Ponyville. "Much better," I said to her. "Thank you." She nodded.

"So… what were in the other two drawers?" Pinkie asked as I pulled some clothes out.

"Look for yourself," I sighed as I closed the bathroom door behind me.

A shower later, I stepped back into my room to find a tea party going on. Knowing Pinkie was there, I wasn't entirely surprised, but I was quite surprised with the party guests: Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie, and Taya.

I looked at Applejack and Rainbow Dash. "I swear to God if one of you is Doppel I'm going to drag you to her room and chain you to the fucking floor."

"Relax, Nav," Rainbow said. "That crazy shape-shifter can't match up to me!"

"She sure can't beat the ego," Applejack slyly said, sipping at some tea. "But who is Doppel? One of them freaky bug things?"

"She's the maid of Queen Chrysalis," I answered.

"Queen who-now?" AJ asked.

"The big evil thing we captured today," I said.

"Oh, her. Why does she have a maid again?"

"Because she's a queen?" Pinkie said. "Duh, AJ."

"What she _means_," Rainbow Dash said, "is, why are we treating her so nicely? She tried to take over Equestria and she totally ruined the wedding!"

"Alright, all of you listen: Did you _look _at her when she transformed?"

"Yeah, she was really creepy!" Applejack said.

"And evil!" Rainbow Dash added.

"She was starving," Pinkie Pie whispered into her cup of tea.

The other two looked at her in surprise. Applejack nodded in understanding after a moment. "She _was _awfully skinny."

"I don't get it," Rainbow Dash said. "She had all the food a princess could need!"

I shook my head. "She's a changeling, Rainbow Dash. They can't survive off regular food." She blinked. "They eat emotions." Rainbow Dash and Applejack gasped.

"So that's what she was talking about!" Applejack said, putting the words of the evil speech together with what I just told her.

"Applejack and Pinkie understand, Rainbow. Do you?"

"So she was trying to… _eat _Shining Armor?"

"She was trying to help her subjects, Rainbow. It is her job to obtain food. But when you have a species that eats love, food is hard to obtain; it's hard to convince someone to feed you something like that when it means they have to go without. Chrysalis isn't evil, she's just desperate, and is trying to be a good ruler for her people. She migrated to where there is an abundance of food so her people won't be starving anymore." She looked at me blankly. "Think back to the founding of Equestria. All three pony races moved from their barren, freezing land to a new paradise. They moved here because food could be grown and their people could flourish. It wasn't perfectly good for the environment, but the ponies didn't think about that because to them the environment was just a way of securing food. But to Chrysalis, ponies are the trees and love is the crop. She might not _want _to hurt them, but she has to in order to feed her people."

Although to be quite honest, I think she might enjoy her job a little bit too much. I wasn't about to say that in front of them, though.

"She couldn't have just asked?" Rainbow Dash questioned.

"Chrysalis has been the queen of her people for a long time. How many races do you think she has asked for help, and how many times do you think she has been rebuked? Think about it: Would _you _willingly give up some emotions just so something as creepy looking as her can sustain herself?" She blinked.

"Well…" She stopped.

"Think about it," I said, walking over to my bed. I began to strap weapons back on. "It is always good to keep an open mi—Pinkie, what the fuck is this?" I held up a sheath with a rubber chicken stuffed into it.

"That's a chicken, Nav," she said. "Are you okay? I mean, that was a pretty stupid question."

I dropped the chicken and threw my sword belt over my shoulder. "I'm ready when you are, Pinkie." I turned to find them all staring at me. "What?"

There was a chorus of 'nothing.' I shrugged.

"So Nav, where did you get this?" Pinkie asked. I flinched when I realized she was suddenly right next to me and holding the medal I got from the tournament.

"I won it."

She read off it, "512th Magical Maris Masquerade Grand Combatant Tournament Winner. What does that mean?"

Rainbow Dash spit out her tea all over a now-disgusted Applejack. Before anyone could react, Rainbow Dash was in my face. "_You _won that? What happened to the ponies? Spitfire was in that tournament this year!"

I shrugged. "They got their asses kicked. The unicorn put up a large fight, but the other two were put down before they could even fight back. I think the unicorn scored two kills before getting waxed himself."

Rainbow Dash moaned in disappointment. "What happened?" she groaned.

"Oh, I betrayed them all. It was pretty awesome; every team that participated asked me if I wanted to help them fight the other teams, and I said yes to each one and told them to all meet me in the same place. They all showed up there and found each other, so it was a glorious and brutal melee. Ponies have no place in something like that. The only team that walked away from that whole was the dogs, and that's because I told them where not to go because I wanted them to help me mop up the angry survivors."

Applejack was staring at me in horror and Rainbow Dash was staring at me in disgust. Pinkie Pie was trying to catch her reflection in the dragon scale. "So where did you get this?" she asked, holding it up.

"A friend," I answered.

"A _special _friend?" she asked with a grin.

"Yes." She gasped, dropping the scale and her grin. I picked it up and stared at it before putting it back on the bed. "I'll probably never see her again, though. No great loss." Her grin picked up again. "Now, we are expected. We really do need to go." I turned to Rainbow Dash and Applejack. "Enjoy the hospitality of my room. I don't know when we'll be back, but I expect you'll be seeing Pinkie Pie shortly."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Pinkie demanded.

"She's going to be a friend like Cranky Doodle," I answered. _If she doesn't immediately try to ban me from bringing Pinkie back, at least._

"Well, at least she'll be a friend!"

"Who are y'all gonna go see?" Applejack asked.

"Chrysalis," I answered. AJ nodded and Rainbow Dash blanched. "Come along, Taya." She didn't move. "Bacon." She trotted to me.

"You can't take a filly to see her!" Rainbow Dash cried.

"You would be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Rainbow Dash," I answered. "Wait here if you want." I led my little group out and down the hall. It wasn't a long walk. "Any doubts, now's your chance," I said.

Pinkie Pie and Taya nodded at me. I knocked. Half a second later the door opened wide and Princess Celestia wearing a French maid dress opened the door. Pinkie giggled.

"We're here to see her majesty," I said.

Celestia shifted to Chrysalis. "What do you want, void?" she practically hissed at me.

"You said you wished to talk to me. I brought a friend full of life and a child full of love so my presence wouldn't hurt you so much."

Her gaze turned to Pinkie Pie and she snarled. "I remember you, pink one." Her eyes turned down to Taya. "You, I do not know. How did the void con you here, purple one?"

"If you mean my dad, he asked me to come see you. I don't know why, though; you seem pretty rude."

Chrysalis jerked back, her gaze returning to me. "Interesting. You and the purple one may enter. I request that the pink one never return."

"I'll give you this warning for your own benefit: It's better to humor Pinkie Pie a few times than it is to try to rebuke her. She'll find increasingly improbable ways to annoy you until you either go insane or finally give up," I told her. Pinkie's smile grew impossibly wide and she nodded at what I said.

"I will take my chances."

I shrugged. "That is your right. Pinkie, head on back; I'll still need you to take me to Rarity."

Her entire body seemed to deflate, but her eyes took on a very sharp focus on Chrysalis. "Soon. You," she said, before slinking down the hall, staring the entire way.

"Enter, void." The door opened further, allowing Taya and I inside. She silently closed the door and followed us in. "I do not approve of this décor, but given my options I suppose I cannot complain." Her options were Tartarus, dungeon, or this. "And I believe I have you to thank for what little I do have."

I turned to her, to find her staring out the window. "I cannot make up Celestia's mind. I can merely offer advice. She chose to take it. I thought you deserved a chance to present your case in a manner that did not make you appear insane and dangerous. You still have a chance of ending up in Tartarus, don't get me wrong. But now at least you can seek to help your people in a way that doesn't involve torturing another race."

"Let me tell you a story, Navarone."

"I don't like stories."

"Then I'll tell you this: I petitioned Celestia for aid nine hundred years ago. She denied me. She told me that if any of my changelings were caught in her territory posing as a pony, it would mean war, and that was something we could not win at the time. I could go into all the history of it, but it boils down to that one event right there. I asked for help and she told me no."

"There is history on your side and there is history on her side. A hundred years before you asked her, she was forced to banish her own sister to the moon, using powers they were supposed to only be able to wield together. For a long period of time, Celestia was in a massive depression that only started to wind down around a hundred and fifty years after the event. Fifty years after you asked for her help."

Chrysalis turned to me, then. "And does that excuse the thousands of mine that died of starvation? The depression and arrogance of one ruler, versus thousands of my subjects?"

"You could ask yourself the same question, Chrysalis." She stiffened when I said her name. "You risked your entire race when you enacted this plot. Your arrogance in thinking you could win this single-handedly almost landed you in Tartarus. Every one of your subjects would have starved without you there to lead them."

She glared at me.

"But to answer your question, no, it doesn't. Celestia's actions in the past were not good and they were not just. But you are not so clean yourself. If you had succeeded, you would be guilty of genocide just as surely as Celestia would have been if you had all died after she sent you packing nine hundred years ago. Ponies require love to survive, just as your kind does. They do not eat it, but if they don't feel it they will shrivel and die, lose the will to survive over time. You were with Shining Armor for around four days, and he became so weak in that time that he could barely perform magic."

She growled. "So that leaves us with no food source yet again! Why am I even here, then, if you are just telling me I cannot take the love from a pony?"

"You have to take it in small doses, and from several different ponies. You are like a vampire; you cannot expect to survive from one donor, but if you have several to sustain you, you will do much better. And if your kind can survive on other emotions, aside from love, all the better. If you can suck the anger or sorrow from someone, you will be well-received."

She got a faraway look in her eyes. "I tried feeding on anger, long ago. It ended poorly. Sorrow, though… I don't think I've ever tasted that."

"Taya, come here." She slowly walked to me. "Do you want to try an experiment?" Her eyes flicked from me to Chrysalis. She nodded. I looked to Chrysalis. "If you hurt her I will kill you."

"I have been doing this for a long time, Navarone. I know how to take just what I need."

"Avoid the love. Focus on something else."

She glared at me. "I know what I am doing." Her twisted horn glowed neon green and slowly pulsed down to Taya's head. After a moment, both of their eyes widened and Chrysalis recoiled, cutting off her magic. Her wide eyes darted everywhere in the room before settling on me. With a terrifying scream, she latched her hooves on me and moved her horn to my head. It pulsed green and the beam hit me. I felt… nothing. She was like that for half a minute before finally calming down.

"Better?" I asked when she released me.

"Never. Again," she gasped.

"Bitter?" I asked.

"No, her sorrow was sweeter than love. But the things I saw…" Her body shook. "That she is still standing is amazing."

"Wait, the things you _saw_? What?"

"When we steal emotions, we see glimpses of the causes of those emotions. When I was pulling the love from the mind of that fool, I saw constant glimpses of that annoying mare, Mi Amore Cadenza. I saw some of what is in her mind," she said with a gesture to Taya. "It is not something I want to try on her again. If you can find me somepony that is suffering from sorrow for a different reason, I will be happy to try it."

"Then what did you do to me?"

"Embraced the emptiness. Your mind is blank, I could feel it as soon as I saw you."

I nodded slowly. "Try me now."

"There's no—wait." She gazed at me. After a second her horn glowed and the light hit me. She gasped. "Love… It's watered down, but it's there! How is this possible?"

I smiled. "Keep going." Her eyes narrowed as she probed further. She let out another gasp.

"Sorrow! Unpolluted, raw…" Her eyes went wide. "What sorcery is this? How is this here?"

"Try it," I told her. "Tell me what you see."

I felt something tugging from my mind. I ignored the sensation. "Odd…" she whispered. I saw her facial expression harden momentarily before she gave a triumphant smile. "Another… whatever you are. It looks different and has longer hair of a different color."

"Yep. Take all of it."

"What? That would… I don't think that would be a good idea, Navarone."

"Not all of my smart ideas are good. Take as much of it as you can bear, if you refuse to take all of it." I felt a gentle trickle of something leaving my mind. The feeling was indescribable.

She finally pulled away. "I do not want to take any more until I see what side-effects may come from this, Navarone. I am here on the condition that I do not hurt anypony. I will not risk hurting you, as I believe that would quickly end up with me in Tartarus."

I felt my hands tighten into fists. "Very well. In that case, check my mind again."

She smiled and did as I asked. She gave another gasp. "What are you doing to me? Why can I feel nothing from you sometimes and feel so much at others it's almost overwhelming?"

"I'm afraid I'll have to answer that question some other time. I unfortunately have somewhere else I need to be. If you ever desire to speak, my quarters are next door to yours. I believe your maid knows the way."

At the mention of Doppel, Chrysalis frowned. "She will not disturb you again, Navarone. I did not know she was going to do what she did."

"Thank you. I do not wish her to further damage Taya's mind. And if you saw what she looked like a few minutes ago you would understand my fear."

"She told me that she mimicked you, which is horrifying enough as it is." Gee, thanks. "You have my thanks for snipping her antics in the bud; I would not want to risk her angering Celestia or Luna."

"Just trying to make sure my species doesn't have anything to do with killing off another species."

"You will have to tell me more about that in our next talk as well, Navarone."

"I look forward to it, your majesty. Until next time," I finished with a nod. I opened the door and led Taya out, gently closing it behind me. "That could have gone worse," I said as we walked back down the hall.

"She doesn't seem very nice," Taya commented.

"She's also not used to talking to anyone; from what I saw, most of her subjects have no intelligence. But no, I also don't think she's a very nice person anyway. I don't think she's evil, but that doesn't mean she isn't bad. It'll be nice talking to her, but I don't think I'll bring you to her anymore."

She stopped moving. "You're just using her, aren't you?"

I stopped, turning back to her. After a moment I smiled. "Don't tell anyone else." The thought to use her didn't actually enter my mind until a few minutes ago, but I was beginning to think I could use Chrysalis to cure my depression. Who says parasites have to be bad?

Taya continued following me as we walked the rest of the way to my room. When we stepped inside, we found that the tea party had turned into a war planning session. "What," is all I was able to say as I saw Pinkie poring over maps, a camo helmet on her head. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were still there, trying to look official.

"If you aren't going to help me talk to Queen Chrisa—Chry—Bug Lady, I'll have to figure out how to do it myself!" Pinkie said.

"Dammit, Pinkie. Leave her alone. She is too useful to risk antagonizing her and getting her banished to Tartarus."

"I'm not going to antagonize her, Nav. I'm just going to befriend her!"

I face-palmed. "Rainbow Dash, tell her what is wrong with her statement." I've heard Rainbow Dash describe what Pinkie does well.

"You mean Pinkie's over-the-top super-hyper antics?" Rainbow asked.

"Yes, those," I answered. "I'm not even going to try to ask you to understand the politics involved, Pinkie, but trust me when I say that Chrysalis is too useful to be cast aside for hurting a pony. And you are too useful to allow yourself to be hurt by Chrysalis. So just don't bother her."

Pinkie looked hurt. "But she needs friends! It's just her and her maid, and she can't leave. Surely she's lonely!"

"I will visit her when I am able. I'm sure Celestia and Luna will as well. And you know Twilight will want to stop by at some time to try to study her. She'll be fine." Pinkie still looked ready to argue. "Celestia forbade visitors that weren't accompanied by me, Luna, or her. If you try to get to her against that proclamation, you might be punished."

"It would be worth it, to give somepony a smile!"

"Leave off, Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. "If that monster wants to be alone, let her be alone! She deserves to be a bit lonely for what she did."

Applejack spoke up, "I know what Nav here said is true, but that doesn't mean she shouldn't be punished for her actions. Dashie's right. She deserves some kind of punishment, and a bit of loneliness seems fitting for trying to break up a marriage before it even started."

"Honestly, I think being defeated and captured by her prey is punishment enough for someone as proud as she is," I commented. "But they are still correct, Pinkie. Despite my words, she is not a good person. She did what she did out of desperation, but that doesn't mean she thinks it was wrong. Just leave her alone."

Pinkie sighed and slipped her helmet off, leaving it on the table. I knew the helmet would be gone the next time I looked away, so it wasn't a problem. She slipped down to the floor. "Let's go find Rarity," she said, her voice sounding sad.

"Can we stop by the kitchens first?" I asked. "I haven't eaten in about five days."

Applejack perked up. "There's plenty of grub left, from the failed wedding. Since it's being postponed for so long, we were thinkin' we'd have to scrap most of it. What's there is yours, though."

Oh hell yes. Wedding food without having to actually go to the wedding? I am so down with that. "Lead the way. Taya, you can stay or go." She went, of course. Free food and the chance to be with me? No way in hell she'd be staying here. I grabbed the medal and the bits off the bed before we left and slipped them into a pocket.

I couldn't help but hum a bit on the way to the kitchens. I was back home—or close to it—I was with friends, I was set for life in terms of money, and I was about to get some awesome food. Today was a good day.

Then I noticed the three friends were staring at me. "What?"

"I haven't heard you do that in a long time, is all," Pinkie said. Then she gasped. "And I haven't seen that smile in a long time either!" I noticed I had a small smile on. "Girls, the queen kidnapped Nav and replaced him with Doppel!"

"Pinkie, don't be silly," Rainbow Dash said.

"Then why is he smiling?" Pinkie demanded. "I can't get that smile from him, so why could _she_?" She sounded a bit indignant.

"I could answer that question, but I think it's more fun not to," I said.

"I'll find out one way or another, Nav," Pinkie said, suddenly serious. "It might be easier on yourself if you just told me now."

"You're good, Pinkie, but I've beaten you before. I escaped you in the cellar and I can escape you again."

She grimaced at that. She never did forgive me for getting away from her. "You only escaped because you had Luna there to help you. I won't make that mistake again. I'll learn what it takes you get you to smile like this if it's the last thing I do!"

With that, she threw something on the floor that created a large amount of smoke. When it all cleared, Pinkie was still standing there, smiling. "I love those things!" she said, giggling.

We continued to the kitchens. "Now I have at least two ponies on my case," I sighed. "Cadance about love and Pinkie about smiles. Wait, three: Celestia wants to fucking knight me." I heard three gasps. "Life here sucks."

Cue Rainbow Dash in my face again. "You're getting _knighted_? When?"

"Right after the wedding, apparently. For some reason, Celestia told Rarity to design the armor. After I grab some food I'm going to make sure she keeps it simple and inexpensive since I'll never wear it again."

"Oh this is so cool! You're going to be a knight! Wait, what do you mean you'll never wear your armor again?"

"My main advantage when it comes to close quarters fighting is my ability to move quickly and avoid getting hit. Armor will kill that advantage, and render me useless in a fight. Besides, I'm not strong enough to move around in that stuff."

She waved a hoof, landing. "That's easy! Just start coming with me when I go to work out! We'll have your wings and body strong enough to carry boulders in no time."

"Not even close to interested," I said. "I wouldn't mind getting in shape, but I don't care about being strong. Being dangerous is enough for me, and as long as I have this," I said, lifting up my crossbow a bit, "I'm one of the most dangerous things out there."

She looked at it dismissively. "I could break that with one hoof, Nav."

"You've seen me use it before, so I don't need to tell you that you would probably be unable to get close enough to destroy it. And even if you do, you would be hard-pressed to use hooves against a sword," I said, letting the crossbow drop to its sling and drawing the sword from my back.

She just rolled her eyes.

"So how many weapons do you carry, Nav?" Applejack asked, concern evident in her voice.

"A bunch," I answered, sheathing the sword.

"How many is a bunch?" Rainbow Dash asked.

I opened my mouth for another smartass response when Pinkie said, "Twenty throwing knives, three fighting daggers, a falchion, the crossbow, and seventy bolts. Two throwing knives are concealed up each sleeve and six are strapped to his belt. The other ten are in two belts he keeps around his chest. He has one dagger on each leg and one strapped to his belt. Most of them have never been used."

I closed my mouth when she started. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were alternating their stares from Pinkie to me. When she finished I shrugged. "Yep. There you go."

"How does _she _know that?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"It's Pinkie Pie," I answered. "She just knows."

"Doesn't that seem like a bit much?" Applejack asked.

"It's better to be careful," Taya said. They looked at her in confusion.

"She's right," I said. "I don't know if any of you were paying attention, but when I shot Chrysalis with the crossbow, the bolt bounced off her. My next attempt would have been lopping her head off with a sword. It's better to have a bit of variety for different kinds of combat."

They just shook their heads and we walked on in silence.

I remembered something. "Oh yeah, Pinkie, if I end up going to that big party next year, do you want to come with me?"

She exploded.

Like, one moment she was standing there, and the next moment Taya, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack went flying in different directions. I flew backwards several meters and landed with a pink blur on my chest. What is it with ponies and tackling me?

"YES YES YES YES YES!" She said it a few more times, but I think the message was made clear.

"Then can you get off me?"

"Well I _could_, but I don't know if I want to."

"Would it help if I said please?"

"It might, but I know something that would help much better…" she said with half-lidded eyes.

"I think please will be sufficient," I said, struggling under her weight.

She sighed and got off me. Hooves on your chest really hurt, man. Well, hooves on your everything hurt, I should rather say.

I sat up and saw the others doing the same. Rainbow Dash had actually been thrown out a nearby window, which was thankfully open. She flew back in and gently preened her wing for a moment. "Let's not do that again," she said when she got the loose feather out of the way.

"You said it!" Applejack agreed, picking herself up from the heap she was in.

Taya nodded.

We continued on our way to the kitchens with no further shenanigans. Applejack and Rainbow Dash left us there, to see what they could salvage from the food supplies. I grabbed a bag of stuff for Rarity because I know how she gets when she works. Pinkie led me up to a pretty tall tower. I noticed an open window at the top and grinned.

"You two head on up. I'll go and surprise Rarity."

Pinkie mimicked my grin and off they went. I jumped into the air and flew my way up to the window and peered in. I saw Twilight and Rarity gathered around a table on the far side of the room, facing the other way. I slipped in and snuck up behind them and peered over their heads. On the table were several designs.

"Which do you think the real Princess Cadance would like, Twilight?" Rarity asked.

"Oh, you know I trust your intuition better than my own in things like these, Rarity," Twilight answered. "And it's been so long… She doesn't appear to have changed much, but I haven't had a chance to really talk with her since we got back."

"Well, I'll just go with my original design. I'm sure since that horrid beast hated it, Princess Cadance will just love it!"

"I'm sure she will, Rarity. All of your work is just lovely."

"Now, onto our favorite human's new armor…"

I could see Twilight grinning. "Whatever it is, you'll have to make sure it can help him sneak better."

"I know! There's just no way he can stay silent with that horrid getup he's wearing. I could hear the disturbance in fabulosity a kilometer away!" They turned to face me, both smiling. Well, that was disappointing.

"You made these clothes, Rarity," I reminded her.

"I made the clothes, but _you _put together the outfit. And whoever told you those two things match lied. Why didn't you wear any of the new clothes I made you?"

"I assume you mean the… liveries… in my drawer?" She nodded, smiling. "Because I am not nor will I ever be a servant. I do not wear the mark of another. I have ideas for my armor, but I will need to find the correct supplies. And you will never ask me where I got them or what it's made of."

She frowned. "I'm afraid that isn't an option, Nav. Princess Celestia sent me word with the specifications already. I know what the armor will be made of, but it is up to me to decide the design."

"Merde…" So much for making it from leather. "At least I only have to wear it once, and then I can scrap it." I held up a bag of food. "Here. I know how you get when you start working."

She pulled the bag from my hands with magic and opened in. Her eyes lit up. "You know, I _am _rather hungry… But it can wait." She started to send the bag away.

"No it can't, Rarity. I know you. You'll start again and then you'll forget that's over there. Eat."

"He's right, Rarity," Twilight said. "You do get awfully into your art." Rarity rolled her eyes and pulled something from the bag.

I wandered the room a bit, looking around at some of the creations adorning the area. The wedding dress from earlier today was burned in the fire surrounding Chrysalis when she showed her true form, but Rarity was already making new designs. And there were six other dresses here. Five were from the bridesmaids, Twilight's five friends. I guess the sixth was for Twilight. I saw a suit on one mannequin, and I assumed it was for Shining Armor. I can't believe they made the poor bastard wear that tacky getup. But then, what do I know about fashion? I saw that a few smaller mannequins had the flower girl dresses, which reminded me of something.

"Twilight, Taya said you tried to make her be a flower girl."

"I was… convinced… that it would be a bad idea," Twilight said, blushing. "But Princess Celestia didn't say why. She explained some things to me, after you left with the changelings."

"In the future, if Taya says no to something, I suggest listening to her. There is only so far you should push someone out of their comfort zone."

Rarity said, "If you had been there you could have spoken up for her."

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response." Rarity stuck her tongue out at me.

Which made for a pretty funny scene when Pinkie and Taya came in.

"Ooh, are we making faces at Nav?" Pinkie shouted, jumping next to Rarity and making one of her own.

Rarity backed away from Pinkie and tittered. "No, no. Just… You know." She waved a hoof.

Pinkie looked at her and smiled. "That doesn't seem very lady-like, Rarity."

"Well, I can't be perfect all the time! Even a lady needs some time to let her hair down."

They continued some manner of discussion or another. I went over to Twilight. "Where's Spike?" I asked her.

"He's in the library I believe. Why?"

"I need someone sane to talk to. The others are all consumed about the wedding or my approaching knighthood or both. Luna is probably still asleep so I can't get her to tell Celestia to cool it."

"I don't think Luna will side with you on this one, Nav. She probably wants to see you knighted as much as Celestia does."

"Do you think I could approach Chrysalis for succor, then?"

"That seems like a terrible idea, Nav."

"I know. But I don't want to be knighted. I wonder if that griffin's offer for generalship still stands…"

"What?"

"Oh, after I won the tournament thing, one of the griffins offered to make me an officer in their army. I turned him down, but I bet he would still take me if I asked."

"That's… interesting. Does the princess know about that?"

"Bugger all if I know. I've had one conversation with her in the past few days, and that was just me convincing her to not banish Chrysalis."

Twilight grimaced. "Which was a mistake, I believe." I opened my mouth to retort but she continued, "I know why you did it; Celestia explained it well. But if she was just acting in the best interests of her changelings I probably never would have realized she wasn't really Cadance. I think she really is a bad pony, Nav."

I nodded. "She definitely is. But that doesn't mean she can't be useful. And I believe it would be very useful to have an army of shape-shifters on our side, dependent on us. Even if they are all dumber than dirt."

"You stopped the princess just because you thought we could _use _her?" Twilight asked, dumbfounded.

"No. That's one of the arguments I used on Celestia, though. I stopped Celestia because I understood what she did. I'm glad I did, too; I had a talk with her earlier and she is quite interesting."

"You don't say." It wasn't a question. "I might have to pay her a visit one day, then. I have a few choice words for her about what she tried to do to Cadance."

"You'll have to go in with me, Celestia, or Luna. And if you start antagonizing her, any of the three of us will drag you out."

"How can you possibly defend her like that?" Twilight asked, sounding slightly hurt.

"Because she and I are somewhat alike," I said. "We are both species higher in the food chain forced to live among species lower than us. It took me a while to adjust and I know it will take her longer."

She looked disgusted at the thought. "You would never eat a pony."

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I can't. You are prey and I am a predator. Chrysalis is shaped like a horse, but you can tell by looking in her eyes and in her mouth that she is a predator. There's a reason you are supposed to only enter her room with an escort."

I think she was grinding her teeth. "She better apologize to Cadance," she growled. Her entire demeanor seemed to shift. "I wonder if I could study her… Hm."

"I don't think Cadance would mind you studying her, but why would you study an alicorn when there's a changeling here that you could study?"

"You know what I meant, Nav. Stop being a grammar griffin." Well, I guess that sounds better than grammar Nazi.

Heh. "I did Nazi that coming," I said.

"What?"

"What?"

"Nav, you can be really weird sometimes."

I ruffled her mane. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand. Whenever you want to visit Chrysalis, just let me know. Or let Celestia or Luna know, I guess. I don't know what her sleep schedule is, though, so you might want to be hesitant about asking Luna."

"It won't be any time soon; I don't know if I can look at her without wanting to hurt her."

"You don't have to look at her if you don't want to; she can change shapes, remember? She answered the door earlier as Princess Celestia in a maid outfit."

Twilight went bright red.

"Relax, Twilight! I'm sure she'll probably answer it as Luna or someone else next time. As long as I never see another female version of me, I'm fine with it. Now _that _almost made me sick."

"Nav, that's completely disrespectful!"

"I know! I mean, after all that effort I went through, they still mock me like that? Sometimes I wonder why I ever bother."

"Sometimes I wonder if you're really as dense as you act, and just occasionally pretend to be smart."

"I wonder the same thing. It's fun, either way. I suggest it wholeheartedly."

"But I thought you didn't have a heart," she said.

"I don't. I really don't want anyone else acting like this, trying to muscle in on my territory. There's not enough room here for two smartasses."

"I think that's quite enough of this. My head is starting to hurt."

"Agreed."

"So do you know what a bachelor party is?"

"Yeah," I answered. "I haven't thrown one or been to one, though. Why?"

"Well, Spike was supposed to throw one for Shining Armor, but… Spike doesn't know what a bachelor party is."

"Oh man, it's a good thing the queen showed up, then! I can't imagine getting married for the first time without a bachelor party!"

"Married for the _first _time? Why would you ever get married a second time?"

"Divorce, widowed, there are probably a few other reasons."

She grimaced. "Oh yes. I had forgotten about those human customs. Thankfully we don't have to worry about that here."

"I guess when you have magic and potions that force love, things are a bit easier."

"You know we don't do that to each other, Nav."

"Unless you're Princess Luna, apparently. I still can't believe she did that to me. Or rather, tried to do that to me."

"You know, you never did let me test that on you. I still want to see if I can recreate the effects and test the poison that was made afterwards."

"That actually gives me a very interesting idea. What if we gave a pony a love poison and let them look at Chrysalis? She would get all the love she could need."

"But what about the pony? That seems pretty cruel."

I shrugged. "We can use a criminal or something. Instead of hard time they can be harvested for love."

She looked pensive. "If you can sell the idea to the princess, I can make the poison. And I can siphon a bit on the side to test on you."

"I'll go talk to her, then. And then I'll go talk to Spike. Can you look after Taya for a bit?"

"Of course. There's a bit of magic she was having trouble with that we can work on when we're done here."

"Good. Tell Rarity that we can work on the design later." She nodded. I walked over to the window and defenestrated myself.

It's times like these that make me happy I invested in a quiver long enough to have a top on it that I can take off when I need to. I fell straight towards the ground and opened my wings right next to the bottom, letting myself glide to the main palace. I landed right at the entrance and let my momentum carry me forward a few steps into the open doors.

I walked to the throne room and asked the guard, "Is Celestia seeing visitors?"

"She's in a meeting right now. When she is fi—" The door opened and Shining Armor strode out. "You may enter," the guard told me.

Shining Armor was looking very ragged. Given what he had just been through, I understood that. "Navarone," he said, noticing me, "I have things to talk to you about. Several things, but some of them are more important than others."

"I'm heading to the library next. Meet me there in a few minutes; I have to talk to Celestia."

He nodded. "I will see you there, then." He walked off, still looking kind of dazed, and I went into the throne room.

"Navarone, I am surprised to see you back so soon. Has the queen been acting up?" Celestia asked.

"Nay, she hasn't. I believe I might have come up with a solution for her problem, though: Love poison."

She didn't look impressed. "Navarone, it is called love _poison _for a reason. The drinker will be consumed with love for only the first pony they see, and they are unable to act rationally while under its effects. It could ruin the life of anypony that we let drink it."

"Which is why we use criminals instead. We give them the option of being harvested for love or doing hard time. When we get two that volunteer for the love option, we lock them in a room, give them the love poison, let them drink it, separate them, then bring in a changeling that looks like the other person that drank the poison. The changeling can get all the love it needs and then leave the room so another changeling can get their dose."

"Navarone, that solution is incredibly cruel, very evil, and exactly the reason I keep you around. You will be the first person tested with it, as soon as a batch can be made."

"Love poison doesn't work on me, actually," I said. "Someone already tried using it on me. My body… reacted negatively."

She blinked. "Why was I not informed of this?"

"You'll have to ask your sister about that, I believe," I said.

She frowned. "I will. Is there anything else you needed to discuss?"

"Well, I really don't want to be knighted."

"Too bad. You are dismissed." I looked around to find that there were no open windows. _I think I got addicted to defenestrating myself._

Lacking that option, I just sort of walked out. _Like a boss_. Okay, I'll stop…

I went on to the library, wondering what Shining Armor wanted to talk about. I found him and Spike there, talking together. I walked in and joined them at their table.

"There you are, Nav!" Spike said when he saw me. "Shining here says you're going to be knighted! How cool is that?"

"It's terrible," I said. "Celestia won't even listen to me when I try to give reasons it's a bad idea and why I don't want to be one."

"Well, yeah," Spike said. "That's because you're really persuasive when you want to be. She doesn't want to be dissuaded from this."

"She can't always get what she wants, Spike," I replied and turned to Shining Armor. "Do you think you can help me change her mind?"

He was grinning. "I'm the one that gave her the idea."

"I'm going to have to think of a new insult for you. Give me a little while, I'll think of something."

"I can wait." His grin dropped. "But I did need to talk to you." His eyes flicked to Spike. "Alone."

"Very well. The garden is usually empty around this time. Spike, I'll want to talk to you later as well." I pulled the bag of bits out and dropped it in front of him. "Hold onto these for me for now."

He opened the bag and his eyes went wide. "Where did you get this?" he asked, voice filled with wonder.

"I won some tournament or something. There's more, but Cadance is watching it for me. I'll tell you more about it later. And I have a bit to add about female dragons, too." He gave a dirty grin at that. "Let's go, Shining Armor." He led the way out and I followed him to the gardens. We saw Fluttershy in the distance, playing with some birds or something.

"I really don't know where to begin," he started.

"Try at the beginning. That's usually a good starting point."

He barked a laugh. "The beginning… Sure, why not. The beginning of my relationship with Cadance… my beloved." He looked down for a moment, and then looked back up at me with haunted eyes. "We swore to remain pure until we were wed."

"Not uncommon, back where I come from. Those that swear usually fail to uphold it, though."

He looked down again. "I know I failed. Cadance—No, the changeling—came to me the night before the wedding… Last night. She tried to get me to… Well, you know. I reminded her of our oath. She laughed and said we were practically married already, and that she _wanted _it. Wanted… me." He looked up at me and I saw that he was crying. "I broke my oath with a monster!"

What can you really say to that? "You didn't know, Shining Armor. And she was messing with your mind the entire time. There's a chance she used a spell to weaken your mind so you would give in easier." I didn't believe that, personally, but it's what he needed to hear. "It wasn't your fault."

He looked back down. "What am I supposed to tell Cadance?" he muttered.

"Nothing." He jerked his head back up to me. "She's not going to notice and she doesn't have to know. If she ever goes to talk to Chrysalis and she rubs it in Cadance's face, just tell her that the queen is lying. One night isn't going to make you great in bed, and ponies are ridiculously bad at sex anyway. Cadance will never know the difference."

"That's not very honest, Navarone."

"I'm not a very honest person. If you want better advice on how to deal with something like this, you should have went to Twilight or Rarity. Both of them know the minds of girls better than I do. But I will tell you this right now: Whatever you do, Cadance will always love you. The entire time we were in that cavern, she was moaning about wanting to save you from the changeling. Her heart is yours no matter what you do, oath or not. As long as you aren't a complete idiot, you'll have your happily ever after no matter what." Although, knowing how these ponies are, I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to fuck it up somehow.

At least that got a smile out of him. "So why do you think ponies are bad at sex? And… how do you even know that? Aren't you single?"

"Man, you really don't get out much. Let's just say I've been around the block. A lot. Of every race I've been with, ponies consistently know the least and are the worst partners. Hell, most of them only know one position, the poor bastards. I taught a few of them some things. I'll say this for your honey moon: Go slow, because it can hurt virgins. If you want more advice, come to me after your first time together; I'll not ruin it."

"I'll think about it. Now, how about you tell me how you won the tournament? Cadance mentioned it, but was so tired that she couldn't get the entire story out."

I told him.

"I was wrong about the reasoning I gave Celestia to knight you," he said when he finished. "But I wasn't wrong about actually getting you knighted. Equestria needs somepony like you."

"I'm still working on my insult for you. I think I'll just use man whore until I think of the real one."

"What's… a whore? And a man?"

"Oh my God you are innocent as fuck. You really need to get a life, man. Oh, and things with penises are men. A whore is someone that has sex with little or no cajoling."

He flinched, but countered, "So what does that make you?"

"Oh, it's not an insult to me. I had sex outside your fiancé's door at the party." I giggled. "Kept her awake all night, too. Dragons sure do like to moan."

He stared at me with a mix of shock and disgust. "You realize dragons mate for life, right?"

I laughed. "Oh man, Cadance tried the same thing on me! I know more about dragons than just about every pony out there combined, aside from maybe Celestia and Luna."

He stamped a hoof down. "I thought I had you, too!"

I shook my head. "You and Cadance are going to be perfectly fine. Here's another hint, just for getting me to laugh: Pegasus—and alicorn—wings are very sensitive. Give her a massage before you get started."

I saw his horn glow for a second and I felt a bit of air run down the side of one of my wings, making me flinch. "And what about human wings? Are they sensitive as well?"

"Yes. Now quit it; I don't want to get a boner because a guy was molesting my wings."

He grimaced. "I don't know what that is, but I don't think I want to cause it. Now, when is your knighting ceremony? I want to be there for it."

"Right after your wedding, apparently. It's 'kiss the bride' and then 'ruin Nav's life.'"

"Good! The honeymoon won't get in the way! After all the pain and suffering you put me through, it'll be great to see you get to suffer a bit for it."

I sniffed. "And they called _me _a monster. You and Cadance are both sadistic; she actually laughed when she realized I was going to be fighting alone in the tournament. I swear she just wanted to watch me get my ass kicked."

"And yet you won anyway. And you won easily, if what you said was any indication."

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that by all rights I should have lost."

"Well, it would be pretty funny, watching you get beaten down. As arrogant as you always are, it would be good to have you knocked down a peg or two. Or seven. Or twenty."

"Have you ever stopped to think that there might be a reason I am so arrogant? I mean, I _am _pretty awesome."

He rolled his eyes. "You definitely need to get knocked down a bit. And I know a lot of the guards have been wanting to ever since you beat the princesses in their contest."

"I've already been punished for that, thank you very much. Besides, I just had to spend a week with your bride-to-be, three days of which were locked in an underground cavern with nowhere to go. Surely that's punishment enough?"

"Are you saying she's unpleasant to be around?" His voice was rather challenging.

"Let's just say that we disagree on a number of things. I think I get along with Chrysalis more than I do Cadance, and I think Cadance is the kind of person that would disagree with that statement."

"_I _am the kind of _pony _that would disagree with that statement, Nav. Chrysalis is a monster! How can you possibly get along with her?"

"Because I have more in common with her than I do with Cadance, I believe. But I also haven't spent too much time with her, so I am not yet certain about that. Still, I will have several more conversations with her soon, I believe. Especially since I think I found a way to give her as much food as she needs."

He looked disgusted at the thought. "The princess explained to me—very thoroughly and for quite a long time—about why the changeling was spared, but must we resort to feeding the monster as well? She tried to kill me and Cadance and take over all of Equestria!"

I've written down my arguments for this multiple times already so I'm not going to do it again. I talked to him about it and he disagreed out of rote. I understand why he did, but that doesn't mean he's right. We parted on relatively amiable terms, at least.

That done, I went back to the library, hoping to find Spike. I was disappointed that he was stuck on the whole me being a knight thing, but I was hoping I could skirt around that.

No such luck. "So what are you going to do when you become a knight?" he asked when I found him again. "Go around smiting evil?"

"Oh come now. I've only killed one dragon, and even then only if you count little deaths." Heh. It's funny because we were in France.

You know, because of la petite mo—Forget it. Fucking ponies don't know French.

I know Spike sure looked confused. "When did you kill a dragon? Is that how you won the tournament?"

"It's a joke that you won't understand. Let's just say I had sex with a dragon when I was in France. I totally suggest it."

He looked at me blankly.

"I know you know what sex is, Spike. I've explained it to you in the past." Much to Twilight's chagrin.

"I'm just… imagining you having sex with that dragon lady we met during the migration."

"…This dragon was a lot smaller. A little bit smaller than the teenagers."

He looked pensive for a moment, and then shocked. "Dude, she was probably, like, thirteen!"

Now that he mentioned it... Am I accidentally a pedophile? I waved a hand. "Chillax, bro. She competed in the tournament, and I'm sure they wouldn't let a child do that."

He calmed a bit, but still didn't look that enthused. "Well, how was she, at least?"

I smiled. "She put her snake tongue to incredible use. I could tell you more, but if Twilight ever heard about it I would probably never hear the end of it."

"I'm not a _hatchling_, Nav. You know that."

"Yeah, yeah. How goes planning for the bachelor party?"

His face lit up. "It's going to be so awesome! I have it planned for after the wedding, because I know everypony is going to be so busy before it. We're going to ha—What's so funny?"

I was laughing. "You realize the bachelor party is supposed to be _before _the wedding, right? That's why it's a _bachelor _party."

He was confused by that. "So what's a bachelor?"

"A guy that isn't married. Back where I come from, the bachelor party is supposed to be the best man throwing a kickass party for the groom, a way for the all the groom's friends to get their last bit of freedom and partying done with the groom before he's stolen away forever by his evil wife."

"Does that mean Shining Armor doesn't need a bachelor party? Cadance isn't evil, after all. Well, not anymore."

"Nah, that's another tradition from back where I come from. Unmarried men treat getting married like the end of the world, while married men pretend to be slaves of their wives while around their friends. But either way, the point remains: The bachelor party is supposed to be before the wedding. You might want to move it up a bit, bro."

"Hm… What else does it usually entail?"

"A lot of booze and a lot of strippers. But that shit won't fly here; Shining Armor is too straight-laced for strippers, and I'm not going to get the only person keeping the changelings out drunk. I suppose the rest of the partiers could get trashed, but we need to keep him mostly sober. Oh, and another thing: No chicks but the strippers are allowed in, unless they're willing to join the strippers if they get drunk enough."

I noticed that he was taking notes. After a moment he looked up. "Okay, now what's a stripper?"

Oh right. Ponies don't wear clothes. "Don't worry about it; we aren't going to do that for Shining Armor and if Twilight—or Rarity, or Celestia, or Luna, or Cadance, or pretty much anyone—hears that I told you to hire strippers it'll mean my hide. Just go forward with your plans and move them forward a few days. Make sure Shining Armor is free."

"You said Shining Armor can't get drunk, but what about the rest of us? I remember that party Pinkie threw for us back when we got back. That was a lot of fun!" Spike didn't actually get drunk during that party; Twilight wouldn't let him take more than a few sips.

I scratched at the beard that was coming in. "You breathe a word of it to Twilight and I'll come down on you harder than she will on me. I think Applejack might have just enough for one more party. You might just want to make sure we're not going to be in too public a place."

"You're going to be there, right? I don't know a lot of the ponies he asked me to invite…"

"I can if Shining Armor wants me there; it's a party for him. We just had a bit of a disagreement, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind me being there."

"You mean about that bug lady?"

"Yep. I don't see what everyone's problem with her is. I mean, surely _you _of all people understand, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Spike. You're a dragon. If things were different, you would be eating these ponies as well. The only reason you're friends with them instead of eating them is because you were raised by one. Did you even see her eyes? The only difference between her eyes and yours is that hers glow."

He blinked. "But I would never…" He swallowed. "I wouldn't…" He sighed. "I wouldn't conquer _all _of Equestria, though."

"You're also only one dragon. She has an entire nation to feed."

"I… I don't want to think about it, Nav." I can understand that.

"Fair enough. In that case, you want to hear how I cheated to win the tournament at the party?"

"You never cheat, Nav. You just don't… well, play fair, I guess."

"Didn't stop Celestia from punishing me. I'm banned from competing next year. But I think it was worth it."

"Oh come on, now you have to tell it!"

I did. He was laughing before I was got finished, too. "Oh man, Nav, you're evil! No wonder you got banned from competing again! The others would tear you to shreds!"

"Oh, I'm not complaining. I know exactly what would happen to me if I competed again. I wasn't planning on it anyway, but the option to have been able to would have been nice. Still, if I go next year I'm bringing Pinkie, so at least I'll have someone else to talk to." I swear I heard laughter when I said that.

Spike didn't seem to notice. "It certainly sounds like a fun party, if a bit slow at times. I wouldn't mind meeting some more dragons, that's for sure."

"There weren't that many there, and most of them were younger. I don't think you'd have much luck if you went."

He shrugged. "Maybe I'd get lucky." Once again I couldn't help but smile at his word choice.

"Man, I really need to find some darker people to talk to. I wonder if Chrysalis is still awake… Hey, how do you check books out in this place?"

He shrugged. "I usually just use Twilight's name and the librarian lets me take as many books as I want. He knows she always returns them, even if it takes a while."

"Well, I don't want to potentially ruin Twilight's good name. What kind of books do you think an evil queen that feeds off emotions would enjoy?"

"Cheesy romance novels. Definitely cheesy romance novels."

"Alright, I'll tell her you suggested them. I'm sure she'll be pleased."

"Go ahead. I never plan on seeing her again."

I smiled.

Half an hour later, I was carrying a small stack of books back to Chrysalis's room. Only one of them was actually a cheesy romance novel; I may be stupid sometimes, but I'm not crazy.

I found Fluttershy waiting at my door. She had some saddlebags around her. I pushed my door open with my foot and led us both in. "What do you need?" I asked as I set the books down for a second. I threw the medal onto the bed next to the scale; I was going to show it to Rarity and ask if she could use it in the armor, but I didn't get the chance.

"I… I was wondering if you could… Well, if you wouldn't mind… Um." She hid her face in her hair.

I walked up to her and removed the hair from her face so she couldn't hide. "What do you need?" I asked again.

"I want to visit the bug lady," she whispered.

I let her hair drop back down and she jumped back, squealing lightly. "Sure."

I saw her peak back out. "Really?"

"Yeah. She can have visitors. I'm honestly kind of surprised how word got out about her being shacked up next to me so soon."

Her eyes went wide. "S-s-s-he's r-r-r-right next d-d-d-door?"

"Yup. Come on." I grabbed the stack of books and stepped back outside. She slowly followed me. I led her next door and gave the door a shave and a haircut.

I didn't get two bits in return, though. It just opened and we saw a manticore glaring at us. I nodded to it. "We would like to speak with the queen," I said.

Fluttershy stared at it, horrified. The manticore turned its head inside and said in Doppel's voice. "Visitors, your highness."

We heard a frustrated sigh. "Send them in, if they have an escort."

The door opened wider and the manticore moved, becoming Twilight. We stepped inside. Chrysalis looked at us from her spot on the couch. "The void has returned and brought yellow-quiet. How fun." She didn't sound very enthusiastic.

Fluttershy gasped when she saw Chrysalis and flew up to her. "Oh, you poor thing! Here, let Fluttershy help you…" Fluttershy dropped her bags and began rummaging inside.

Chrysalis looked at me. "What is yellow-quiet doing?" she demanded.

I looked at Fluttershy and then in her bag. "If I had to guess, I would say she thinks the holes that cover your body are wounds, and is going to try to patch them up."

"What."

"Just lie back, this shouldn't take long," Fluttershy said warmly, pulling out some bandages and disinfectant.

"Void, help me!" Chrysalis was starting to look alarmed.

I sighed and set the books down and walked over to Fluttershy, who was now struggling with an increasingly irate Chrysalis.

"This… is… for your own good!" Fluttershy breathed, trying to juggle a roll of bandages, a bottle of disinfectant, and a very pissed off bug-pony thing.

"Stay away from me!" Chrysalis broke away and got across the room and transformed into me, including all the clothes and weapons. She pulled out the falchion on her back. "Stay back!" she demanded in my voice.

Fluttershy was glaring at her, slowly inching forward. "You're hurt and I'm going to help you!"

"Fluttershy, stop it. I don't want to clean your blood off my clothes," I said. "And I really don't want to watch myself kill you."

Fluttershy turned her glare to me. "But she's hurt! I just want to help her!"

"I'm pretty sure that's how her body is supposed to look, Fluttershy," I said.

Her glare dropped. "Huh?"

I thought quickly and made something up off the top of my head. "It's evolution," I answered. "Their natural bodies aren't nearly as strong as some of the other things they can turn into, but they probably don't gain complete control over their transforming powers until they hit a certain age. Until then, they need some manner of defense mechanism. With holes in their legs, they can make a whistling sound when they fly to scare predators that are chasing them. And I'm sure the wings were just a personal thing."

Fluttershy said in a very quiet voice, "Oh." Then she smiled sheepishly, blushing a bright scarlet before hiding in her hair again. "Um… S-s-s-sorry… your majesty…"

Chrysalis was still using my body to glare at her. "I would appreciate it if you left, Fluttershy," she said.

Fluttershy bolted out the door, leaving the bandages and disinfectant she was still holding spinning in the air. I rolled my eyes and grabbed them before they fell—no, I don't know how that worked. I carried them over to her bag and dropped them in and then threw it over my shoulder.

While I was doing that, Chrysalis turned back into her own shape and walked over to the pile of books I brought in. "What is this, Navarone?" she asked me.

"I figured you might get bored, so I brought you something to do when you don't have visitors."

She kicked part of the small pile aside so the trashy romance novel was on top. "And _this_?" she asked. "Are you insulting me?"

I shrugged. "I figured Doppel could use some light reading."

Her left eye twitched. She walked back to her couch. "You do know everything you said to yellow quiet was a lie, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I figured if she kept it up she would have killed you, so I thought it best to stop her."

"_Her _kill _me_? I believe you might have been knocked a bit too hard on the head."

"Fluttershy can be very vicious when she wants to be or when she thinks someone she likes is in danger. She actually beat the crap out of a unicorn a few years ago when he was trying to kill me."

"A unicorn, trying to kill you? I thought you were practically one of these ponies, with the way you act towards them."

I pulled my lips back and showed her my canines. "I'm a bit like you," I said, letting my lips fall back. "And I wasn't always accepted here."

"I see. Sit." There was an armchair near the couch. I set the bags down and eased myself into it, cursing my wings. "I saw a little bit from your mind. Enough to know you aren't from here. Tell me more about your homeland."

"I don't know. Your mind might be too innocent for it; I certainly wouldn't want to scar you."

"Navarone, I detest jesters. Tell me or get out."

"I swear, no one is in a good mood today. I just got out of a cavern I was trapped in with an insipid wretch and I feel fine!" She was starting to look angry. "Fine. I come from a hellhole called Earth." I told her quite a bit about it. From the looks she gave me while I was talking I could tell that she was definitely a bad girl.

"Your people sound marvelous," she said when I finished. "I could hide among them for centuries and I don't think a single one would notice. All the food I could ever need…" She sighed in desire.

"Well, we think we might have found a way to get you infinite food anyway. There's something out there called a love poison that creates intense feelings of love in anyone that consumed it. We will probably test it sometime in the coming week."

"Surely your beloved princess wouldn't allow any of her ponies to become mindless sources of food for my armies, at least not without some kind of catch."

I shrugged. "I just came up with the plan. It's up to her to implement it. I suggested that we use criminals. Either way, if it works you will probably be set for life, as long as you stick to what you are allowed."

She nodded. "I want what is best for my people, of course." I don't think she was telling the truth, but I also didn't really care. "I am sure we can make do with a few ponies, as long as the effects of the poison are strong enough."

"Good. I would not look forward to meeting an army of changelings on the field of battle. Though I probably wouldn't be _on _the field of battle; my talents lie more in assassination."

She grimaced and rubbed her chest. "Yes, you left a dent on my carapace with that nasty invention of yours. If you had hit me just about anywhere else it probably would have punched through."

I raised an eyebrow. "If you are in pain there is probably something in this bag that would alleviate it."

"No, Navarone. I am fine. Now, explain something else to me. What is it that you do with your mind that enables you to hide your emotions?"

"I partition it, essentially. With a force of will I can push back everything I don't want to deal with and concentrate on the matter at hand. If you dug enough I'm sure you could get past the barrier that I keep up. Hell, as long as you've been doing this you could probably push past it instantly, now that you know it's there."

"I would like to try." She stood and I followed. She walked over to me and pushed me back into the chair. "I have fought subjects for control before. This might hurt."

"Then if I tell you to stop, stop."

She didn't answer, just lowered her horn to my head. I let my eyes glaze over and stared straight ahead. "Interesting," she whispered after a moment. "You aren't actively fighting, just hiding." She was silent for a moment. "Where oh where would you put something like that… My my, what's this?" Her entire body shivered. "I'll have to remember that. Kat, was it? Not quite what I was looking for…" She was silent again. "You are good at this. Have you been mind probed before?" I didn't react. "Ah, there it is."

I pushed back, doing my best to lock my mind down. "Oh, _now _you fight?" she mocked. I saw her hooves rear up as she kicked the chair back. "I see my goal, and I will have it." Her horn moved forward again as she stood over me. "You might have a strong mind, but I've been doing this since before your species owned your planet."

I felt her in my mind, this time, digging through the defenses I set up. "Now would be a good stopping point," I forced out of my lungs.

She didn't stop. "Not just yet…" She dug a little deeper. "I almost see a name. I am curious, now."

She was concentrating so hard that she didn't notice what I was doing until I kneed her in the damaged part of her carapace, backing her up a few steps. It felt like my knee was dislocated, but I forced myself to my feet and drew my sword as she took a step forward, glaring at me.

She took another step forward. "You wouldn't da—" My sword was at her horn.

"Take another step and you'll starve to death," I said, my voice empty.

She smiled as her form began to shift into one I hadn't seen in too long. I heard a sweet voice say, "You wouldn't hurt your sist—" I reared back and punched her in the face. She fell back, stunned into changing back into the queen.

I took a step forward, to find my way blocked by Doppel. "That's enough," she hissed, turning into a small dragon.

I heard the door creak open behind us. "If I ever see that shape again there won't be enough changelings in the world to save you." It felt good to feel anger again. An old friend, in a way, that I hadn't seen in way too long.

"Am I interrupting?" I heard Luna ask.

I slid my sword into its sheath. "I think I was just leaving, actually," I answered. "I'll see you tomorrow, your highness." I turned and grabbed Fluttershy's bag as I walked to the door. "I'll be right next door, Luna. I would like to talk to you before the night is gone."

"See you soon, Nav. I just need to talk with our… guest."

Before I had the door closed, I heard a voice say, "I like him." I assumed it was Doppel.

I walked back up the hall to my room and set Fluttershy's bag on my floor. I put the scale and the medal on the drawer and went to the bathroom to fill up the canteen. I hooked it on my belt and sat on the bed, letting my mind slowly clear. I stopped before I even got started and began to unstrap most of my weapons, leaving most of them in a pile next to my bed and only the throwing knives on my belt. I walked over to my window, my shirt still off, and let my wings and body soak in the gentle wind flowing in from the gardens outside.

I heard the door gently ease open behind me and Luna's voice say, "If you are going to let her anger you, Nav, you should not visit her."

"She chose the wrong form," I answered, turning to face her and leaning gently on the window sill. I crossed my arms over my bare chest. "She was in my mind long enough to know how it would make me react."

"Well, you sure made an impression on her, that's for sure."

"A good one or a bad one?"

"A physical one. Her chest was already dented from when you shot her. Now the dent is actually noticeable. Or rather, it was; I popped it back out for her with magic, though I was tempted to leave it there as a punishment for doing something to anger you enough to actually _strike _her. I've never seen you do that before."

"I don't think I ever _have _done that before. The insolence of that woman is just… unbelievable. I know I am disrespectful and occasionally rude, but have you ever actually wanted to hurt me because of it?"

"Well, I was kind of tempted to hurt you today when you told Celestia I gave you a love poison. Since it was kind of true, though, I decided to spare you."

"Kind of true? Or very true?"

She waved a hoof. "One or the other, I don't remember which. Anyway, I need to tell you the duties of a knight, for your ceremony."

"About that…" I felt my mouth clench shut as her horn glowed.

"The ceremony is simple enough. Celestia or I—one or the other—will call you forward and you will kneel before us. We will tap you on each shoulder with our horn and present you a new weapon—usually it's a set of specially crafted shoes, a set of razor-sharp wing covers, or a steel covering for the horn—and you will pledge your life to our service. That part is simple enough."

I glared at her.

"The actual duties of a knight are nothing you aren't already doing, really. You act as our representatives in the field. You will have all of our authority behind you and will be supported by any Equestrian you find. Your weapon will be your badge of knighthood, so I suggest keeping it with you. You will have to help the weak, of course. Being noble is optional, but highly desired. You can be devious, but it isn't recommended. I don't think that'll stop you, though, if what I heard about the tournament was any indication."

Her horn glowed brighter and the medal on the drawer floated to her. She smiled at it. "Yes, you are definitely ready to be a knight." The medal set itself back on the drawer. She pulled me away from the window with magic and brought me to her and hugged me. "And the best part is, no pony will judge their princess for falling in love with a knight."

I returned her hug. "You've been talking to Cadance, haven't you?"

"That insipid wretch? I can't stand being in the same room with her for more than five minutes. I don't know how you managed to do it for a week." She let me go and I went back to the window; it felt nice out. "Celestia has been awfully cruel to you."

"Yeah. Open the first drawer on the left," I said, pointing at it.

Her magic opened the drawer, revealing the bright clothes stamped with Celestia's mark. "What is this? Is she trying to steal you now?"

"No, I think she's just trying to get me used to the idea of wearing stuff like that. Open the middle drawer."

It opened, revealing the dark clothes with Luna's mark. She smiled. "You have all these lovely clothes to wear and yet you're still wearing that horrid getup? I bet your fashion friend was most displeased with you."

"Yeah, she was. It was kind of funny. Now, about the whole knighthood thing…"

She sighed. "I will give you one chance to explain your position on the matter. _One_. After that, I do not want to hear you bring it up again."

"What would it take to get you both to agree to not—and never—knight me?"

"Either a double wedding in a week or a very good argument." _Oh shit._

"Alright… I really don't want to. I don't make oaths. I am not noble. I am always devious. I am a cheater, a liar, a murderer, and a few other bad things. I would have no compunctions with stabbing both you and Celestia in the back if Chrysalis gave me a deal good enough and I believed her. There's a chance I'll leave Equestria entirely if you try to force me to do this. I don't think the common people will readily accept me. I don't want to be tied down by an oath made at the start of a very long life. Pony kind in general is starting to seriously irk me."

She didn't look impressed. "Are you done?"

I shrugged. "I can probably come up with a few more."

"I'll save you the time. They won't work. This is going to happen, like it or not."

"I've heard that before. It is usually a prelude to rape." Or a Pinkie Party. Sometimes I don't know which is worse.

She grimaced. "It's not as bad as that, Nav. It's honestly more ceremonial than anything else. We just want to reward you for all the service you've done for Equestria!"

"Are you trying to reward me, or are you trying to reward yourselves with full access to me due to the oath I'm going to be forced to take?"

"Navarone, you aren't on Earth anymore. Neither of us wants to use you."

"But will that stop you? You both know your way around politics and I'm sure you've both used plenty of pawns in the past. How am I to know I'm not just another pawn in your grand game?"

"Because I didn't love those I used to use."

I deflated a bit. "I really don't want to do this, Luna," I said with a sigh.

"Will you?" She paused a moment. "For me?"

I closed my eyes and leaned back a bit more. After a while I said, "Can you promise me you won't require me to do something you know I wouldn't normally do?"

"No. I can't." I opened my eyes to see that she was looking down. After a moment she looked up to me again. "But I can promise that I will never order you to your death." Oh yeah, that makes me feel better.

"I'll think about it," I answered.

She leaned back up to her full height. "You are going to be knighted. The only thing for you to think about is who knights you, and to whom you swear. Now, I believe I have things to take care of."

She turned to go. I said, "Before you leave, can you heal my knee? Her chest was painful."

She turned back and looked at my busted knee and rolled her eyes. "I didn't leave her in pain, so I guess I shouldn't leave you in pain either." She stepped close and brought her horn to my knee. I felt the pain ease quickly.

She pulled her head up and looked at me. I quickly reached around her neck and pulled her in close and kissed her deeply. She fought for a moment before practically melting in my arms. Since she was so unused to it, she didn't even fight my tongue, just let me dominate her.

After nearly half a minute, I pulled back. "Thank you, Luna. I don't suggest eating cupcakes for breakfast, though; it's unhealthy."

She was blushing rather heavily. "Uh…"

"I believe you had things to do?" I commented, unable to hold back a bit of a smirk.

"Um. Yes. Things. Important princess things. I will… I'll see you later, Nav." She walked out in a daze, leaving the door open behind her.

_Now, just what the hell was that? Seriously, where did that even come from?_

_I'm being knighted and I'm going to live forever. The chances of me ending up with Luna are pretty close to one. Might as well get started now._

Yeah, I'm an idiot. I'm okay with that.

I turned back to the window and bumped noses with Fluttershy. "I believe I have something of yours," I said.

She pulled back and I noticed how brightly she was blushing. I backed away from the window to let her in and she landed with her usual grace. I went over to where the bag was laying and picked it up for her. When I turned back she said, "I… I didn't mean to… I'm sorry, Nav."

"You already knew, so there was no harm done."

"Are you two… finally together?"

"Not really. She's still going to be here for a few years, and my place is in Ponyville for now."

"But with you as a knight, it won't cause any problems. So there's no reason you can't be happy together."

"Nothing preventing it but myself, no. It should be interesting, to see how everything turns out." I handed her the bag and she set it over her flank. "And Chrysalis was not very amused with your attempts to… help… her."

She blushed at that. "I just thought… Well, never mind. But are you sure she's okay? She seemed like she was in a bit of pain."

"She was, actually. When I shot her earlier, it bent her armor. Luna fixed it, though, so don't worry." Honestly, I didn't even notice that she was in pain. I also didn't care, but meh. And I didn't think mentioning the little altercation we had would be a good idea.

"And did she hurt you?"

"I think she would have to be an idiot to hurt me." That wasn't a lie.

"Then why was Luna healing you?"

"Just how long were you outside my window?"

"Oh, you know… So the healing?"

"I hit my knee on something."

"I see. And what did you hit it on?"

"What is this, twenty questions? Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"I think this is important, Nav. If you got in a fight with Chrysalis, it should be reported to the princess at once!"

"If I give you a hug will you go to bed and just drop this?"

"Well…" I bent down and gripped her tightly, enveloping her with my wings. After a moment I stood up. "I'll just… go to be—Eep!" She was looking behind me.

I whirled around, drawing a knife without even realizing it and almost loosing it before I realized it was just Doppel. Then I almost released it at her anyway. "What?" I asked, not putting the knife away.

"The queen wishes to speak to you, Navarone," she said, ignoring the knife.

"I bet she also wishes today had gone a little bit differently, but she can't always get what she wants, can she?"

"One of the benefits of maid training for the changeling queen is a large amount of martial arts training as well. I am her last defense, and probably one of her best. The queen wishes to speak with you, Navarone. Will you go willingly, or will I have to drag you there?"

I was about to respond when Fluttershy jumped in front of me. "Don't you dare touch him you monster!"

"Fluttershy, stand down. Even if she was telling the truth—which she's not—she would still probably kick your ass."

Doppel was grinning like a fool. "You're good at this, Nav. Are you going to come with me or not?"

"I will. But if she is in the shape of my sister again neither of you will survive this night."

I heard Fluttershy gasp. I continued, "Lead the way, Doppel." She did, and I grabbed a shirt and my sword belt and followed her out.

Fluttershy said, "Nav, you can't—" The closing door cut her off. Yeah, yeah, I'm a bad person. She said she was going to bed anyway.

Doppel led me the short way down the hall. I slid the shirt on while we walked. I just carried the sword belt; it would be easier to draw like this anyway. Before she opened the door she said, "You were right about me lying about being trained. But if you lay another harmful hoof on the queen I will hurt you."

"Then let's just hope she doesn't piss me off." Doppel pushed the door open and let me enter first. The door closed behind me. Doppel didn't follow me inside.

"Navarone, come in. Please, sit." Chrysalis was on the couch again, and she nodded to the armchair I was in before. It was standing up again, and closer to the couch. I walked over and sat. "You are more useful to me as an ally than an enemy."

"That was the shittiest apology I have ever heard."

So changelings turn green when they blush. Interesting. "I am unused to… apologizing. You have been… nice, I suppose is the correct term. And you have been understanding. That is more than I have received from most races in a long time. Because you have been so understanding for me, I wish to understand you as well. When I changed into… her… why did you strike me?"

"You insulted my memories. I know what is real and what isn't. You are no more her than your servant is my daughter when she changes shape. I don't mind you taking my memories, but I will not have you ever attempt to use them against me. And if you ever find my name, you will never use it; that is one of the few things I hold over those that own me now, and I do not want to give them the satisfaction of hearing it." That wasn't entirely true, but I think the only magic that she could use in this room was stealing emotions so she wouldn't be calling me on it.

She didn't look entirely happy about that. "I do not like being told what to do."

"I have two things to say to that. Welcome to my world, and that's what you get for losing."

"I would not have lost if you had not intervened. I was winning that war of the wills, Navarone. We both could have been free if you had just let me win."

"You don't have to lie to me, Chrysalis. You would have killed me as soon as you had Celestia beaten; you didn't see any food in me and I was a danger to you as an unknown element."

"But if you had helped me, I would have given you anything—or anypony—that you desired. You would have been free to come and go as you pleased. You could have even ruled at my side…"

"You imprisoned me in the caverns without a thought as soon as you saw me. And yet you still expected me to fight Celestia for you? Without even talking about it first?"

"As I recall, when we first met you were trying to stab me." Well, she did have a point. She would have had a sharper one if I had my way then. "And now here we sit, both slaves to something that should be our food or our servant."

"If it makes you feel any better, I am being punished for my part in helping stop you; Celestia is not only forcing me to go to the wedding, but at the end of it I am going to be knighted."

"You poor thing." She didn't sound very sympathetic. "I don't suppose you could get me an invitation to the wedding? I would very much like to see the two… _lovers_… wed."

"I'm not a wedding planner. You would have to ask Cadance, or maybe Celestia. And I suggest not mentioning despoiling the groom; it might not end well for you."

She smiled, flashing her fangs. "Ah, you heard of my work, then? Yes, he was most pleased with my efforts… By that point I had him so brainwashed that I didn't even need the disguise. He was sleeping with Mi Amore Cadenza, but he was screaming _my _name." She ran her tongue over her fangs. "These ponies have such outdated concepts of love and loving. Do they all hold to that foolish notion of saving themselves for marriage?"

"Nope. I've slept with five of them. They all suck at sex, though." I leaned back in my seat. "I must say, I admire your work. To have twisted his mind so far from the true love he feels for Cadance in only three and a half days?" I gently clapped my hands. "Given the chance, how long do you think it would take you to corrupt Celestia or Luna?"

She smiled even deeper. "I do not often attempt the same sex. With them, I think it might take a few years. Most of it would be cautiousness, though. I think Luna would be much easier, given her lonely state." Her grin turned sly. "But then, she isn't so lonely anymore, is she?"

I steepled my fingers and met her grin with my own. "You could say that. I accidentally corrupted her in… oh… about six months."

"And Celestia?" she whispered.

I just smiled.

"My, my. Who is the servant here, and who is the master?"

"I'm afraid I won't answer that question. Just because I am forced to follow their orders in public doesn't mean the same applies in private."

"You know, if you had met me first we could have had a very profitable relationship."

"Perhaps. There is much I could do for you. But what could you do for me that I would actually want? Or that I couldn't get for myself?"

"Power. A way home. Freedom. Anything you desire, really."

"I have no desire for power. My home is lost to me now, with few regrets. Freedom… Perhaps. But what kind of freedom would I have when I am shackled to your throne instead of Celestia's?"

Her smile slipped a bit. "I forgot what I was dealing with. You will never support me here, will you?"

"I am supporting you right now, Chrysalis. But I am also supporting the ponies. I am one of the only go-betweens you have. You have burned every other bridge. You made the one cardinal mistake you could make when dealing with Celestia: You threatened her ponies. Luna doesn't have any real power yet, so sucking up to her won't do you any good. Cadance is beyond pissed and all of the royal guards hate you right now. Everyone else that has Celestia's ear is not pleased with you at all. The only two that might have been willing to have compassion on you have been sent away when I tried to bring them. Twilight will probably come by to try to study you, but she is Cadance's friend and will still be angry at you. I am your only friend right now."

Her smile slowly slipped away during that little speech. "Friend. I have not used that word in a long time. What would you… What should I do, Navarone? I must be strong to represent the interests of my subjects. But I must be humble to receive aid, since I have no way to steal what I need right now. You say I have… burned bridges. Can they be rebuilt?"

"It will be hard. You won't like some of what you have to do."

"If I must, I will."

"Pinkie Pie wants to throw you a party. The 'pink one,' as you call her. The one that is planning the reception for the wedding."

She grimaced. "Why would she want to… throw me a party?"

"She does that for everyone. It is… annoying as piss, really. But that's just the way it is. She'll want to meet you first, though. I can probably bring her here tomorrow, if you want me to. You can use the party to try to talk to some of the others, if they attend."

"And at the party?"

"We'll get to that. Do you remember the yellow one from earlier that tried to patch up your legs?" She nodded. "I can bring her by tomorrow as well. Let her look at your chest, where I shot you and then kneed you. I know Luna healed it, but Fluttershy goes giddy over hurt people."

She sighed. "This is going to be painful."

"We're just getting started. Celestia shouldn't be that hard to win over, honestly. I've done half of the work for you, when I told her that you were doing what you did for your people; she is a ruler too, you remember. Even though you and I both know you were doing this more out of revenge and a sick desire to have domination over a weaker species, the fact still remains that in doing so you were helping your own people."

"I take offense to that."

"Are you denying it?" She didn't answer. "That's what I thought. Applejack should be easy to win over. There's no point on bothering with Rainbow Dash, Rarity, or Twilight. At least, not until you've apologize to Cadance."

Chrysalis glared at me. "Why would I ever want to do that?"

"Because Celestia is sadistic enough that she might not give you anything until you make peace with those that you 'wronged.' A lot relies on getting Cadance to forgive you; you'll never get Twilight or Rarity without her, and Shining Armor might be a lost cause no matter what you do." I paused for a moment. "Oh, and you should probably apologize to the three bridesmaids you brainwashed, too. Honestly, they're pretty much redshirts, but I'm sure it might be important to someone that you do."

"I don't remember any of the three of those fools wearing shirts, and none of them were red."

"It's a word from my world. Don't worry about it."

"So how would you suggest I go about… _apologizing_… to Mi Amore Cadenza?"

"You know… I honestly don't know. She is rather upset with you. Maybe she'll feel better tomorrow. I'll think of something. And if I don't, you're just going to straight up apologize. And I suggest not mentioning what you did to Shining Armor."

"I am not suicidal, Navarone. I have no defense here aside from my good looks and my carapace."

"You forgot your winning personality."

"Quite. At the very least, will you arbitrate our meeting? I know I will not be able to meet alone with her, but I am not so certain Celestia or Luna will be as quick to jump to my defense as you will."

"I don't have magic and I have no defense against it. I don't know how strong a mage Cadance is, but if she starts using magic against you I'll have to put her down the hard way. And if she starts using magic against me, we're both fucked."

"Do you really think she would do that?"

"On the way out of the caverns, we ran into a batch of that damnable song magic. She was singing about saving her Shining Armor the entire time. I'm pretty sure she's more than a bit peeved at you. I don't know if she would resort to attacking you, but she might goad you into attacking her so you'll get banished."

"I am a queen, Navarone. I have been queen for a long time. I will freely admit that I am arrogant. But I do have patience and I do have intelligence; she will not anger me enough to strike her." She gave another smile. "Maybe you could learn from me."

"I told you to stop. You didn't. You are lucky all you got out of that was a bruised ego; I've killed for less." I still regret what I did to Calix, sometimes.

"And punching me in the face?"

I shrugged. "We all need a few knocks in the pride sometimes."

"Today I was captured by my prey and locked in a bubble in front of my entire army. Was that not enough damage to my pride for you?"

"Well, I also hadn't reached my quota for punching things in the face today. You put me at three."

"And the other two?"

"Two of the three bridesmaids guarding the entrance to the mines. It had been a while since I last got to punch a pony. It felt good."

"You just like beating up mares, don't you?"

"After what a few of them have done to me, I think it's only fair."

"Ah yes, I remember your friend, Kat. I didn't get much of what she did, but oh her well was deep."

"She was the most physically painful, but not the worst. No, the worst was when two of my friends betrayed me."

Her lips pulled back in an evil smile. "Can I have a taste?"

I shook my head. "No. I'm saving that pain. I'm keeping it there to remind me why I never trust. You can take anything else from me, but I need to keep that." Not one hundred percent true, but I was still telling lies to get her to trust me at that point.

She nodded, letting her smile drop. "I understand that, Navarone. I have memories of my own that I keep. Though I don't suppose you could let me have at least a small snack? I will need to sleep soon, but I don't like going to bed on an empty stomach."

"And your maid?"

"She could survive on the morsels I give her. But she has earned a bit of favor for volunteering to be with me in this prison. If you wouldn't mind, I would ask that you feed her as well, though you'll find her tastes a bit different from mine." I felt a strange pulse in my mind. A second later, the door opened. "Enter, Doppel. Our guest has promised to feed us before he leaves." Her eyes turned back to me. "If you desire to leave, of course. You are… welcome to stay."

"Several spells have been put over me. One of them disables my ability to sleep in spring and summer. We can have our fun later, though, if you are still interested."

She smirked. "As long as you are better than that fool Shining Armor. Now sit still. This won't hurt as long as you don't fight it." She stood up and walked over to me as Doppel gently shut the door behind her. Chrysalis lowered her horn to my head and I saw it glow green.

"So what are you in the mood for?" I asked conversationally, letting my mind empty a bit so that everything was hidden.

"You know I can break through your defenses and take what I want."

"I want you to ask. Surely you can spare that nicety."

"Hm. I've tasted your love and your sorrow. I still have bad memories about anger and hate. What about… happiness?"

My eyes glazed over and I thought back. _That'll do_. I pulled that memory forth for her and let the warmth spread.

"Not as concentrated as the sorrow… But yes, it is quite tasty." After a moment, she pulled back. "Doppel, step up." She came forth with a massive grin on her face. "Navarone, before I let her at you, there is something I should tell you about changelings: We all have our certain tastes. Most of us prefer love, but a few of us have other tastes. We can, of course, take any emotion, but surely as a creature with refined tastes you know what it is like to survive on something you don't like. Doppel here prefers lust."

Back up. I looked at Doppel. "Why the hell did you disguise as my daughter?"

Chrysalis answered, "She can eat love too. It still tastes good for those that have other preferences."

Doppel looked at me with wide eyes. "Lust is so much more fun when taken fresh," she whispered. "I don't suppose…" Her eyes flicked to my pants.

"No. You will be fine with my memories."

Doppel sighed and stepped closer. Her small horn gently touched me. I smiled, letting my mind clear. "Should I make her work for it, Chrysalis?"

"I do not want to be here all night, Navarone. Your mind is difficult to traverse even when you give me what I want; there is no order and it is all chaotic. If you want her to find what she is looking for, we will be here until the sun rises."

"I can do it!" Doppel said, sounding a bit hurt.

"I agree with the queen," I said. "I don't feel like being in this position for hours. Here." I thought of Kumani. "That should be recent enough for you."

I saw Doppel's shape shift as I felt a trickle leave my mind. I leaned back and saw that she was now Kumani. "I quite like this form," she said, stretching her body. "Lithe. Quick. Strong. Strong enough to…" She looked down at me and giggled.

I stood. "I believe that is my cue to leave. If you need me for anything, well… Good luck finding me, actually. My room is next to yours, but I don't sleep. If you actually need _me_, Celestia or Luna can easily find me."

"Until tomorrow then, Navarone." Chrysalis said. "It has been… nice, talking to someone like you."

"Any time, Chrysalis." I let myself out, feeling Doppel's eyes on me the entire trek to the door.

The trek back to my room was, as ever, short. I found Fluttershy inside, pacing. I walked in and set my sword down. "I thought you were going to bed."

She looked up at me. "Did you hurt her?" Her voice had a bit of an edge to it.

"Why would I hurt her? Chrysalis is too sweet to ever do anything to anger me."

Her eyes went wide. "She brainwashed you too!" She looked ready to fly out the window.

"No she didn't. That was a joke. She apologized for angering me." Fluttershy slumped a bit. "And I think she wanted to apologize to you as well, for threatening you. But she's going to bed right now, I believe, so it will have to wait until tomorrow." I looked her up and down. "You're pretty weak and helpless, right? Would you be interested in helping us with an experiment?"

"What… kind of experiment?"

"We want to test a love poison with Chrysalis, to see if we can use that to keep her people fed. If we use people that are easier to restrain, the test will be easier."

"I… I don't know about that, Nav. It sounds… dangerous."

I shrugged. "You don't have to. I'm sure it won't be hard to find… 'volunteers.'"

"That sounds… ominous, Nav. You won't hurt anypony, will you?"

"Well, those under the effects of love poison supposedly forget what happened to them while they were out. So it wouldn't be that hard to find two servants or something and just slip them the poison. They would never know."

"That's evil, Nav!"

"You say that like I should care. I mean, you read my journals. Do you honestly think that something like this isn't in keeping with something I would do?"

"But… you're supposed to be getting better! I thought you said Taya was helping you!"

"Just because I'm slowly remembering how to love doesn't mean I'm going to automatically turn into a good person. The darkness on my soul has etched itself in, now, and I believe it will always be there. It sucks, too; that's why I'm getting punished by getting knighted."

"Well, I hope you learned your lesson."

"Yeah, don't do favors for princesses. They'll punish you for it."

She muttered something that it's probably best I didn't hear.

"You need to go to bed, Fluttershy. You're getting cranky."

She gave me a stern look. "And you need to grow a heart, Nav." With that, she trotted over to the door and left.

I'm a really bad influence on her.

I went back over to the window and looked out. Night had fully fallen. _Well, what now?_ Taya was probably with Twilight, wherever they were. Luna was apparently doing princess things. Everyone else was probably sleeping.

I started searching my room. I found what I was looking for and smiled.

_I've been meaning to do this for way too long._ I started plagiarizing a novel from home. I didn't remember it perfectly, but when I read books I tend to remember the plot. I figured I could become a writer and show these ponies some _real _fiction books, instead of the crap like 'Daring Do' that they read.

I smiled grimly and set aside the first paper. _On second thought, starting straight at House of Leaves is a bad idea. Romeo and Juliet will be fine, but not even I can capture Shakespeare perfectly._


	36. Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Four—Wherein I learn my lesson but continue doing stupid stuff anyway

When the sun had risen, I had written three plays and started on a dozen others before I realized I didn't remember enough to write them down correctly. If I ever did get them published, I wouldn't do it under my name; I'm not a thief. I giggled to myself as I leaned back as far as my wings would let me. _I finally have a use for my real name._

I achingly got to my legs and went to the bathroom. Everything in there finished, I started strapping on some more weapons. _Busy bloody day._ Gotta see Rarity, gotta find where Applejack hid all her booze, got to find Pinkie and Fluttershy and bring them to Chrysalis, got to get tested by Twilight if she ever made the poison, probably have to see Cadance eventually, and I'll probably have to be there when the love poison is tested with the changelings.

I'm getting too old for this shit. No wonder Celestia is such a troll.

I opened my door, humming a little song, and bumped into an ugly bug-pony that resolved into Doppel when I brushed the crust from my eyes. "My apologies, dear," I said as I pulled her to her feet. "Looking for me, or do you just enjoy standing outside doors?"

"You seem awfully chipper," she said harshly. Not a morning person, I suppose. "The queen wants you."

"Can you take the shape of anything, or does it have to be something alive?"

"What does that have to do with—"

"Because if you could be a walking talking teddy bear, that would be adorable."

She looked at me for a moment and saw the goofy grin on my face. She frowned. "That counts as permission."

A minute later, a walking talking grizzly bear dragged my giggling form through Chrysalis's door.

"What is the meaning of this?" Chrysalis demanded. "What did you do to him?"

Doppel changed back to her own form. "He was acting kinda funny. I thought it best he be brought as quickly as possible."

I pushed myself to my feet and found I couldn't get the smile off my face. "I think we fucked up by taking that sorrow away. I haven't felt this good in years. I was up all night writing tragedy, and I feel great!"

She looked at me with her glowing green eyes and opened her mouth, but I said, "You know, you really look awesome. Can I t—Holy fuck what is wrong with me?"

"Can you touch what?"

"Your wings. They look—No." I pulled a dagger out and slashed it across my palm and concentrated on the pain. I felt my mind slowly fall back to calmness. I looked back up to Chrysalis, who was staring at me with concern. "Nice try."

She glared at me. "This was not my doing, Navarone. I told you that what we tried was untested; I have never taken sorrow before. And if you truly do wish to touch my wings, you will have to get your hand looked at first; I will not have you running blood over any part of my body."

"Fair enough. I'll bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by when I can either make time or find them. I'll try to do one at a time, to spare your sanity."

"Thank you, Navarone. I don't suppose I could trouble your mind a bit more?"

"No. The only thing keeping my mind clear right now is the pain; I will not risk doing further damage to my mental state until I know how to control the effects. You should have plenty of food when we test the love poison, whenever we do that. If you want, I can lead Doppel to the library so you can send her to get books whenever you need them."

Her eyes looked to my hand. "Should you not get that taken care of?"

"It'll close in a few minutes. Another one of the spells over me deadens physical sensations, and increases healing times. Sex isn't as much fun, but I feel a whole lot less pain."

She grinned at that. "We'll see about that." She turned to her maid, who was flipping through one of the books I brought. "Doppel, follow Navarone to the library. I suppose he will tell you what else to do."

She stood and saluted before trotting to my side.

Chrysalis turned her gaze back to me. "Navarone, try to keep your mind clear. I believe you will be more useful to me with your mind distant."

"Thanks. I think. Doppel should be back shortly; it isn't a long walk." With a nod, we left the room.

"Doesn't that hurt?" she asked when we started down the hall to the library.

"Yes. Quite a bit. That's the point." We stopped in my room to grab a small towel that I wrapped around the hand.

On the way to the library, she said, "I don't know how you knew the queen liked those terrible romance novels, but that got you a bunch of brownie points with her. And then pretending it was for me? You're lucky she didn't take you there on the floor."

"That would have been awkward." Especially with Fluttershy right there. And if Luna had walked in? Oh man, both of our heads would have been on pikes. "It's a good thing you run a tighter ship than that; I can't imagine you ever letting her get away with something that… naughty."

She sighed wistfully. "I do try to look after her, but sometimes she's just such a handful. Royalty can be such a pain."

I let out a laugh. "Don't I know it." I've caught Luna and Celestia both giving me looks in relatively public places ever since that damn bet I agreed to.

We were catching looks from the passing servants and glares from the passing guards. After the fifth guard dropped into a fighting stance upon seeing Doppel I said, "Feel free to turn into any pony you like that isn't a princess."

She turned into Blueblood.

"Smartass. You know what I meant." She turned into a random servant. "Eh, that works. Just no seducing anyone when you aren't in your regular shape. If you _do _manage to seduce someone here as your real shape, feel free to change into whatever they want, if they're into roleplaying or something."

She smiled. "It's amazing what you hear when you sit on the wall as a bug. I believe there are a few human fetishists here."

"Well, that's not something I needed—or wanted—to hear. Since you don't actually know what I look like with my pants off, good luck figuring that one out."

"I have a good imagination; I've been doing this a while. Usually I'm the one that infiltrates, but the queen decided to take this matter into her own hooves."

"Well, just be careful here. Chrysalis is too useful to be banished because you fuck up."

"You know, as long as you keep feeding me you'll never have to worry about it…"

"Are you… blackmailing me?"

"Well when you put it like that it makes what I'm doing seem wrong! I'm just ensuring I get fed. Is that really so bad?"

"When we get to the library you can take a few more memories. But you're not doing that in the hall." Especially not if she'll want to turn into whoever she reads from my mind.

"I'll count the moments…" That's not creepy or anything.

Luckily for her, we weren't that far from the library. I led the way in and she gasped. "I've never seen so many books!"

"You work here, Rose Dancer," the librarian said. "Are you feeling okay?"

Doppel grinned and turned back to her real form, causing the librarian to jump and scream. She shushed him. "This is a library, you old bat! You're supposed to be quiet in here!"

He fainted. "Okay, I'll admit, that was hilarious," I said. "Now come on. I don't want anyone to see you ripping into my mind."

Unfortunately, Twilight and Taya were in the library and came running at the librarian's shout. "Nav, what's wr—oh. It's _you_," Twilight said, glaring at Doppel.

Taya was staring at my hand. "What happened to you?"

"I cut myself shaving. It's nothing big."

Twilight looked at my face. "You still have… stubble, I believe you called it."

"Well yeah, Twilight, it grows back. I mean, it's hair!"

Doppel giggled. Twilight glared at her. Taya said, "But why were you shaving your hands? I didn't know hair grew there."

_Only if you're Catholic._ "It's been a while since I last shaved; I was really out of practice."

Now Doppel was just outright laughing. Twilight shifted her glare to me.

"You might want to help the librarian," I said. "He seems kind of out of it right now."

"Navarone, we need to talk," Twilight said through grated teeth.

"Can it wait a few minutes? Doppel needs to feed."

"No. It can't."

I shrugged. "Then she can do it here." I bent down a bit but found that I was being floated off by a purple aura. "I guess not. Doppel, head on back; I think I'm in trouble." Doppel giggled and shifted back to the maid before trotting away.

Twilight floated me back to the stacks. Taya followed. Without letting me go, Twilight demanded, "Just want to do you think you're doing, Navarone?"

"Right now, I think I'm getting floated around. This is kinda fun; you should try it." I nodded down to Taya, who picked Twilight up in a light orange aura, causing Twilight to lose concentration and drop me. "It is not fun enough to do it against my will, however."

"Taya, let me go." Taya didn't, but looked up to me. I nodded and Twilight fell to the ground. "Navarone, you are getting way too close to that… that thing! Both of them! Were you actually going to let her feed off your emotions?"

"It would have been Doppel's second session with me, yeah. Chrysalis has been at my mind three times already. Why?"

Twilight's eyes seemed to go impossibly wide. "Navarone, they're brainwashing you! Can't you see it?"

I clenched my hand and brought it up. "I'm not entirely positive they are. I think my mind is just reacting oddly to the emotions they're taking; I haven't thought about some of them in a long time, and having them pull them from my mind is relieving me of stress I long ago forgot I was bearing. I was meaning to talk to Celestia about that today to see if she can see any evidence of mind-rape."

"Then that's where we are going."

"I was planning on seeing Rarity first, actually. And I need to bring Pinkie and Fluttershy by to see Chrysalis; I know Celestia usually doesn't start seeing people until around noon."

Twilight's eyes narrowed. "We are going _right now_. And you aren't bringing any of our friends near that monster!"

"Twilight, I think you might be a little bit biased. I mean, she just tried to kill your brother and doom your entire country."

"Are you even listening to yourself?"

"Oh God no. I tune out just about everything I say because I know I'd slap myself if I ever heard any of it." Taya giggled.

"What would you do if she tried to kill your sister and take over your world?"

"Twilight, she _became _my sister. I punched her in the face." She smiled at that. "If it'll make you feel better, though, I can push my meeting to Celestia up. But I still need to see the others."

"They can wait. I can't lose you to that… thing."

"Fiiiine. Let's go."

We started off, out of the library. After we got out of it, Taya said, "Can I heal your hand?"

I jerked it up. "No. That… That would be a bad idea."

Twilight looked at me. "Why? What's wrong?"

"The pain is the only thing keeping me clear-headed. I was in an unbearably good mood earlier, and I had to do something to force my mind open."

Twilight stopped. "What?"

I grimaced. "I was up all night trying to copy some really famous stories from my world. All of them are tragedies. That, combined with Chrysalis taking some of my old pain, put me in the best mood I've been in since the last time I can remember. It was awful… I actually asked to touch Chrysalis's wings before I decided enough was enough."

Twilight's mouth dropped. I looked over to Taya and saw she had a similar reaction. After a moment they looked at each other. I took a step back, further down the hall. They nodded. I took another step. They turned to me with shark-like grins. I turned and bolted and didn't make three steps before a brown aura surrounded me and stopped me.

I was spun around, left to face two grinning unicorns. "Taya, what are you doing?"

"Making you happy, of course."

"That is highly unnecessary."

She shrugged. "You'll get over it."

I felt a warmth in my body and my hand stopped throbbing. I tried concentrating deeper but couldn't feel a thing. _Oh shit._ The aura around me dropped and I thudded to the ground. The two of them looked at me expectantly.

I swallowed. "Nothing I say and do in the next few hours will ever be mentioned again. I already feel my mind… changing."

They both giggled. Twilight started walking past me. While she walked past I put my hand on her mane and ran my fingers through it.

"I don't touch your hair enough… It's really soft!"

Twilight stared at me. I was busy scooping Taya in my arms and putting her on my back, giving her a piggyback ride of sorts.

When I realized that I was giving a pony a ride instead of a pony giving me a ride, I started giggling.

"Twilight, I think we broke him…"

I said, "Taya, when was the last time you got to be this tall? Oh, when we get to Celestia you should grab her crown and hold it out of her reach!"

Twilight looked a bit alarmed at that. "I think I underestimated his idea of a good mood."

"I feel fine, guys," I said. "Better than I have in a while, actually. My mind feels a bit… off… but otherwise I feel fine." I looked around and saw we were near a window. I stopped and looked out it. "God, who commissioned that fuck-ugly statue? They should be shot. And that statue should be crushed."

Twilight looked out the window and gasped. "The princess commissioned that statue, Nav!"

"Well, she has shitty taste. Come on, I want to see how long it takes her to notice her crown is gone. I bet I can distract her by making her notice how long her snout is compared to everypony else's."

Twilight squeaked. I looked at her and noticed how brightly she was blushing.

I blinked. "Holy fuck." I shook my head and tried to concentrate. After a second I pulled my knife out again and slit my other hand open. I put the knife away and turned to Twilight. "You stop your shit. Now let's go." She followed, her tail low. I moved the blood-soaked towel to my other hand. I stopped. "Why is there a filly on my back?"

"Because you put me up here," Taya said.

"Oh. Well, if you want to come down just tell me." I started walking again. "With all the weapons on my back, I can't imagine it's really that comfortable."

"Your wings are really soft," is all she said.

"Fair enough. Just don't touch them too much, please."

"I won't."

"Twilight, where will I be able to find Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack? After I meet with Celestia, of course."

"I'll… I'll tell you after. If you _are _brainwashed, I don't want to risk them."

"Eh, fair enough. Taya, if I start acting silly again, kick me in the back of the head."

"Okay!"

"You sounded way too happy about that." She didn't answer. "So where are we going, anyway? Where is Celestia usually at this time in the morning?"

"Her private dining hall," Twilight answered.

"And that is where, exactly?" I heard her sigh as she quickened her step to get in front of me to lead the way. "I've never noticed it before, but when you mares start walking I can totally se—" Taya kicked me in the back of the head, knocking me flat on the ground. "Thank you." I pushed myself to my knees and saw that Twilight was a shade of red that I didn't think was possible. I got the rest of the way up. "I think we should walk side by side."

She didn't say anything. I started walking and she matched my speed.

"As I already said, nothing I just said or will be saying in the past few hours will ever be held against me. You brought this on yourself." I pulled my dagger out and drew another slit on the same hand. "I'm going to need more towels."

Twilight was muttering something. I decided it would be in my best interest to ignore her and try to lose myself in the pain. I was pretty far in, which is why I was a bit surprised when I saw a dark blue monster in front of me. I blinked and saw that it was just Luna.

"Navarone, why are you bleeding?" she asked.

"It's just that time of the mo—" Taya kicked me in the head again. "Oh come on, that was the normal me!"

Taya just giggled._ I'm surrounded by sadistic ponies._

"Here, let me heal you."

I pulled back, almost going unbalanced because of Taya. "No, that would be a bad idea."

Luna frowned. "I'm not going to let you bleed in front of me, Nav. Now stop acting like a foal and let me heal you."

"He's right, Princess," Twilight said. "It would be a bad idea to heal him right now."

Luna looked at her with eyes that should probably have been burning. "Fine. Why, Twilight Sparkle, should I let him bleed?"

Twilight stepped up and whispered something in Luna's ear. Luna turned bright red, flicked her eyes to me and then to Taya, and then burst out laughing. "If he's going to do _that _to 'Tia I'm definitely going to heal him!" She took a step toward me.

"Taya, sic her!" I bent down a bit so Taya could get a clear line of jump. Luna stopped. Twilight face-hoofed. After a moment, Taya kicked me in the back of the head.

I straightened. "Note to self—Princesses are immune to filly attacks."

Luna was frowning. "Yes, I see what you mean. There is definitely something wrong with him. Navarone, you do know that notes to one's self are generally personal and not something to be shared, right?"

"Well, I figured it would help Twilight if she ever had a filly of her own. Or Taya, if she did."

Luna just shook her head. "Come on, Nav. Celestia is still eating breakfast; I was on my way to bed, but I think this is more important."

She turned and led the way to a small side door. She opened it and went inside. I heard Celestia say, "Back already? Did you think on my proposal?"

Luna sighed as she stepped in further. "I already told you no. The other two would never agree anyway. Now come in you three."

I pushed my way in, ducking extra low so Taya didn't hit her head. Twilight followed me. "Oh hello Nav. And Taya and Twilight. Wait, why are you bleeding?"

I sighed. "Blah blah blah." I grabbed Twilight's mouth with my non-bleeding hand and squeezed it open a few times while saying "Blah blah blah." I stopped and stood back up. "Blah blah bl—" I reached around and grabbed Taya's hoof and gently hit myself in the head.

"I see. Well, come forward. I will try to see how much damage Chrysalis did; I told you to be careful with her." Wow, Celestia is really good. Pinkie would be impressed.

"Twilight, can you get Taya down? I don't want to bleed on her." I felt the filly gently ease off my back and I stepped up to Celestia.

"Sit, Nav. This shouldn't hurt unless I have to push past a guard. And if Chrysalis put a guard in your mind it's going to hurt a lot."

"Before we start, what all are you going to be able to see in there? If you can see my memories I'll just take my chances."

"The only thing I'll see with this spell is if you are being controlled. If you are, I might have to check some of your most recent memories to know how best to break, but I will not go back farther than two days."

I sat. She moved her horn in close to my head and it started glowing. While she was concentrating I eyed her crown. _I could totally grab it._ I looked away but eventually my eyes darted back. _It would be so funny, man._ I closed my eyes, trying to feel what she was doing. Eventually my eyes opened again and I was left looking at her crown. Just as my hand was lifting up she pulled back.

"You are fine, Navarone. Chrysalis didn't d—What are you doing?"

I snatched my hand back down. "Nothing." I heard Luna and Taya giggling behind me. Celestia opened her mouth but I said, "Are you technically bald?" Her eyes went wide and I heard Twilight gasp. Luna burst out laughing. "I mean, whatever that stuff is made of it isn't really hair, right?" While Celestia was trying to formulate a response I looked around the room a bit. "Hey, why are you eating cake for breakfast?"

"Maybe… Maybe I missed something…"

"I feel really good today," I said. I could feel two halves of my mind fighting. Whatever Chrysalis did, it really screwed up my mind. "No wonder Shining Armor had that goofy grin on his face." His expression was mostly blank while he was brainwashed, but his smile was hilarious.

"Navarone, look at me," Celestia said. I turned to her and saw her eyes. "I need permission to go into your mind. I will only look through the past day."

I pulled the dagger from my belt and set it on the table. "Never discuss a single thing you see with anyone. Including me. See what you need and find the solution and tell me what to do. Those are my terms." I could feel my mind splitting, the dark side taking control sometimes and the strange new side taking control at others.

"Deal. Close your eyes." Before I did I saw Twilight edging closer. She probably wanted to see this magic being used. My eyes slid closed.

I saw an intense light filtering through my eyelids. I heard two gasps and assumed Luna knew what was coming and had her eyes closed as well. And then I saw and heard nothing.

My eyes shot open sometime later. I saw Celestia pacing. Luna had apparently left some time ago. Twilight was gone and Taya was lying on my back. Apparently I fell out of my chair at some point. I pushed myself up a bit to a sitting position and Taya hopped off.

Celestia looked over. "Good, you're awake. Twilight is combing through records, trying to find evidence of Chrysalis ever coming to Equestria; I don't remember, but I _was _in a dark spot back then. Your mind is fine, just shaken up. With what you let her remove, the tumultuous balance you had in your mind was shattered. I suspect from what I was able to tell when I was in there that you will be stable in a day or two. I just have no idea where that will leave you. Now, I would really like to talk to you about some of your memories."

"You agreed to not discuss them."

"I did. And that is why I am not going to without your permission."

"Which you will not get." I pushed myself up the rest of the way so I was standing. I pulled my knife off the table and slipped it in a sheath. "Do you need me for anything today, or am I free to go about trying to fix the Chrysalis situation?"

"Twilight mentioned that the three fillies here knew how to make the love poison. I believe you know them. They are somewhere in the palace or on its grounds. If you could find them and bring them to the throne room, that would save me a bit of time. Then you need to go to talk to Rarity. After that, you are free until the love poison is ready to be tested."

"Awesome. Come on, Taya. Let's go find your friends."

We had to walk past Celestia on the way to the door. When I was right next to her I felt my hand twitching. "Don't even think about it," she warned.

"Taya, how fast can you run?"

"Navarone…"

"Why?"

"CHEESE IT!" I snatched Celestia's crown and booked it.

I shot out the door and knocked Twilight down as she was walking in with a really old book. "Wha—Is tha—NAVARONE!"

"YOU GET BACK HERE NAVARONE!"

I was already out a window before Celestia's voice called out the first syllable of my name, giggling the whole time. This was probably really stupid. I flew straight up to try to break any line of sight; I knew Celestia could bring me right to her if she wanted to. Given that the window I jumped out of was probably too big for her, she would have to if she really wanted me back. I flew around to the other side of the castle, to where I knew Rarity's tower was. I flew right into the open window and perched on it, peering inside.

She was at one of the mannequins. I stepped in and moved over to her as silently as possible. While her back was still turned I dropped the crown on her head. "Navarone, what did you just put on me?"

"Promise me you won't freak out."

"Oh Celestia, tell me it's not something icky!" _Did she really just say that?_

"No, it's nothing gross. Just… promise me you won't freak out."

"I won't, Navarone. I am a _lady_, after all."

I walked over to a table and picked up a hand mirror and brought it back to her. She grabbed it with magic. "Nav… What. Is. That."

"Celestia's crown."

She screamed.

"You're freaking out, Rarity! You told me you wouldn't freak out!"

"Oh Celestia… Oh Celestia… Get it off!" I reached out and plucked it off her head.

"Hey, do you know where your sister is?"

She was starting to hyperventilate.

"It's just a simple question, Rarity, jeez." She still couldn't answer. "Fine. I'll ask Applejack, then. I'll be back in a few hours to talk about my armor." I walked back over to the window, still holding the crown.

I had one foot up before she said, "Nav, wait!" And with that I was out, flying toward the door to the kitchens. It didn't take me long to get there and I waltzed right in like I owned the place. I considered putting the crown on and pretending I _did _own it, but Celestia was already probably pissed and treason might push her a bit too far.

I saw Applejack in the center of a hubbub of activity. I pushed through the group, trying to conceal the crown as much as I could. I got up to her and said, "Hey AJ, do you know where Applebloom is?"

She didn't look back, just continued stirring something. "I think she said they were going to the big maze thingy. They wanted to go in when they came here for a field trip a few years back but they were in a bit of a hurry. Why?" She finally turned around.

"Celestia wants to see them for a moment. Hey, what's wrong?"

She was staring at the thing in my hands. "Nav, Imma ask you this once: Is that the princess's crown?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Her mouth dropped open. I waited for a moment but she didn't say anything. I shrugged and started leaving. I got to the door leading outside when Rarity burst in another door that leads to the palace. I pushed the door open as Rarity and Applejack both said, "Nav, wait!" I was out the door and into the air.

I'm having way too much fun with this. I flew over to the massive maze that seems to appear only when you're looking for it. On the way I ran into Rainbow Dash. "Hey Nav! I don't see you up here that much. Where you headed?"

"The maze. Hey RD, you're arrogant and egotistic, right?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm under the influence of some kind of mind-fuckery right now and I really can't find any fucks to give. Do you know anyone here with a camera?"

"Pinkie always has something like that lying around. Why?"

"I have an idea for the most kickass picture ever. Where's Pinkie?"

Rainbow Dash pointed straight down at a pretty large stage. "Somewhere down there."

"Convenient. Come on." We started going down.

It didn't take us long to find Pinkie. Thankfully, Rainbow Dash never asked what it was we were doing and she never noticed that there was a crown in my hand.

"Oh, hey N—" She broke off with a massive intake of air that took me a second to realize was a gasp. "WHEREDIDYOUGETPRINCESSCELEST IA'SCROWN!"

"From her head, duh. You got a camera?"

Rainbow Dash stared at me, her mouth gaping. Pinkie reached behind her and pulled a camera from… somewhere. I reached over to Rainbow Dash and plopped the crown on her head. Unfortunately, it was made for the head of a unicorn—a much larger unicorn—and it sort of sank down on Rainbow's head.

"Now strike a pose, Dashie!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, holding up the camera.

"Navarone, I'm all for pranks, but this… This is probably illegal! We could get in trouble for this!"

"Remember that mind-fuckery I mentioned earlier? I find myself wanting to care about this, but I just can't right now; I'm having too much fun. Now come on before we get caught."

Pinkie Pie's camera flashed and she giggled. "It's too late to go back now, Dashie. Now let's make it worth it!"

"Oh Celestia, I can't believe I'm doing this…" Rainbow Dash muttered. With that said, she struck a very victorious pose. A few minutes later, Pinkie ran out of film. Rainbow Dash was much more into it, now. "None of those pictures ever get out, Pinkie," she warned, still wearing the crown. "If anypony ever finds out about this, we're all going straight to the dungeons."

"Don't worry about it!" Pinkie said. "I'll just show a few friends! What's the worst that could happen?"

Rainbow Dash was about to retort when we all heard galloping. We looked up and saw Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity running for us.

I snatched the crown. "Gotta jet. Good luck." I jumped into the air.

I heard Pinkie behind me saying, "Hey girls, want to see some pictures?"

Twilight screamed, "YOU COME BACK HERE NAVARONE!" I was already too far away for either her or Rarity to get me._ I am so going to pony hell for this._

I went straight to the maze, this time. I flew over it and saw the girls somewhere in the middle. I landed in it, right next to them.

"Hey Nav. Whatcha doin'?" Applebloom asked.

I waved the hand that didn't have the crown. "Oh, you know. Running from royal guards and Twilight. Hey, you girls want to do me a favor?"

"What do you need?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Drop this off in the royal throne room," I said, dropping the crown on Sweetie Belle's head.

Scootaloo and Applebloom gasped. Sweetie Belle looked up, trying to figure out what was on her head. "What is it?" she asked.

"Celestia's crown. She let me borrow it for a few minutes, but I need to return it now. The thing is, I'm kind of busy. Can you girls drop it off for me?"

"We would…" Scootaloo started.

"But we're lost," Applebloom finished.

"I'm wearing the princess's crown?" Sweetie Belle asked, her brain trying to come up with a rational response.

"Well it's certainly not Chrysalis's. She would kill me if I snatched hers off her head. You uh… You might not want to be seen with that, either. At least not until you get to the throne room. Do you three think you can get it there unseen if I can get you out of the maze?"

"We're not _foals_, Nav," Scootaloo said. "How hard could it be to sneak a crown _in_?"

"Yeah, sneaking it out would be the hard part!" Applebloom said. "It's a good thing she let you borrow it, or I bet you never would have gotten away!"

"Yeah, she sure is a saint. Now, let me help you out of this place." I jumped into the air and flew myself to the top. I looked around a bit and landed and gave them directions. "It should take you about ten minutes to get out. Make sure Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack don't see you with that crown."

"Thanks, Nav!" they all said, trotting off. I settled down into the maze. The girls would get out in about ten minutes and then they would probably run into Twilight, and they would tell her I was still in the maze. Rarity and Applejack would enter the maze and Twilight would wait for me to fly out. If she was smart she would stand at a corner so she could maximize the amount of area she could watch so I couldn't sneak out as easily. I would hopefully get lucky and sneak out on the side she wasn't watching and then get far enough away that I could sneak to my room with no trouble.

The plan was going well until about ten minutes passed and the girls got out of the maze. Then Twilight came flying in on butterfly wings. _Welp, she got me there._ I ducked into the bushes, hoping she wouldn't see me.

Of course she fucking saw me. She landed right in front of me. "_Ahem_."

I peeled myself out of the bushes and batted my eyes. "Yes, Twilight?"

"You have something very important to my mentor."

"You know, this spot is very secluded. Private. One could even call it… romantic." I gently reached a finger out and stroked her jaw line. Her eyes went wide. "I still remember dancing with you, you know. Celestia thought it was all an act. So did you. But you know… it doesn't have to be…" I was bringing my head down a bit now and moved my hand under her chin, bracing her head up. "I've always been attracted to brains more than anything else." Our heads were close, now. Her eyes were gently closed.

Which made it so much easier to run away and jump into the air. I was out of the maze before I heard a very frustrated scream following me. Twilight had very little practice flying. It was nothing to get away from her, especially on her flimsy wings. It didn't take too long to get back to my room, and I just flew into the window. Taya was there waiting for me.

"Sorry for abandoning you, but I didn't think I was actually going to get very far," I said.

"S'okay. Celestia's reaction was worth it. So was Twilight's."

"Were they that mad?"

"Twilight was furious. Celestia was smiling, but she didn't waste any time telling Twilight to track you down."

"Well, Twilight failed. Pretty badly. I escaped her twice and passed the crown off to someone else while I was at it. Whatever Chrysalis did to my brain was both fucked up and yet also awesome. Do you think you can be cute enough to protect me on the way to Rarity's workshop?"

"I've been practicing."

"Awesome." I reached over to the drawer and grabbed the medal and the scale and slid them in pockets. "Let's go." I opened the door and let Taya out first. I followed her and closed it behind me.

That's when I heard something down the hall a ways. I looked that way and saw Cadance standing outside Chrysalis's door. "I just want to talk to her!" I heard some muffles. "Luna is in bed, Celestia is busy, and I don't know where Nav is." More muffles. "How should I know? He's not in his room." Something. "When I asked her she said something about the thrill of the hunt. I don't know what that meant, but it sounded ominous, so I just came here." What was that? More muffles? "Just open the door!"

There was a final single muffle and Cadance sighed deeply and gently let her head hit the door. I turned the other way and started tip-toeing away.

Unfortunately, ponies can't walk silently for shit. As soon as Taya started following me, Cadance said, "Hey, wait up Nav!" Fuck. _Time to run from another princess? You got i—Oh hey, it's Twi—OH SHIT!_

I turned and started running to Cadance. "Heyhow'sitgoingletmegetthatforyou." Before she could respond Taya, Cadance, and I were all in Chrysalis's room, being stared at by a very confused Doppel. I had the door closed and locked before anyone could say anything. "Don't open that door, Doppel. Sup, Chrysalis?" I asked, nodding.

She looked at me strangely before turning her gaze back to Cadance. "Hello, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza."

We all heard a banging at the door. "YOU COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW NAVARONE!"

I turned to Doppel. "I will let you sample two of any of my memories you want if you pretend to be me right now and go out there."

Doppel turned to the door. We heard a much louder bang. Doppel turned back to me. "No deal."

"Any three?"

She looked back at the door to see it turning red hot. Apparently Celestia or Luna or someone put a lot of resistances into the door or something. She turned back to me. "There is nothing you could ever do that would make me go out there as you right now."

"…Fuck." The door was turning white. The hinges were starting to smoke. "Anyway," I said turning back to Cadance and Chrysalis. "Cadance, this is Queen Chrysalis. Chrysalis, this is Cadance. I believe you've met, but I think it was under less than ideal circumstances."

Cadance was staring at the door. "Nav, just what did you do?"

"I stole Celestia's crown, paraded it around the palace, let Rainbow Dash take pictures with it, gave it to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, seduced Twilight, and got away. Now, back to the task at hand." Chrysalis was actually cracking up at that. Wow, her giggle was adorable. "You two need to make peace."

"She tried to kill me, brainwash Shining Armor, and doom all of Equestria."

"Well, she also tried to kill me and yet I managed to forgive her."

"She didn't try to brainwash your fiancé, though."

"No, but she pretended to be my sister."

"Yes, and you punched me in the face for it," Chrysalis said.

"Well, yeah. Hey Cadance, if you can punch Chrysalis in the face will you forgive her?"

Cadance and Chrysalis both looked at me like I was an idiot.

"Sorry, sorry. Chrysalis, whatever you did to my mind upset the balance in there or something and it's causing me to go haywire. I've been doing crazy shit all day."

Chrysalis looked back to the door. "I can see." I looked back too and saw that the stone around the door was starting to melt. I turned back to them. "Mi Amore Cadenza, for what it is worth, I do apologize. I was just trying to do what is best for my people." Well, not _just _trying to do that, but I don't think Cadance would be expecting her to lie.

"And you couldn't do that by requesting aid?"

Taya spoke up, "She did, nine hundred years ago. Twilight found it in the records." Cadance jerked back. "Celestia was distraught when she learned; apparently much of her memory from that time was fragmentary."

Chrysalis gave a victorious smile. Cadance said, "I… see."

"Before we go any farther," Chrysalis said, "Please, all of you, sit. I may be a queen, but here I believe we are all equals." Nice touch. Cadance moved hesitantly to the other couch. I moved to the arm chair and Taya sat across my lap. Chrysalis turned herself to face Cadance more easily.

"I have an important question," I said. I pointed to Chrysalis. "If you can look like _that_, why would you look like _that_?" I asked, moving my finger to Cadance.

Another blush from Chrysalis and Cadance just gaped. Taya kicked me.

"Wait, shit. Sorry, ignore that; just my brain kicking off my filter again. Please, continue." My eyes flicked to the door and I saw that the hinges were just small puddles on the floor. Doppel was watching it with fear in her eyes. _Whoever made the door deserves one hell of a raise._

Chrysalis and Cadance were talking, but I wasn't really paying attention. As long as they didn't come to blows I was hoping Chrysalis would be smart enough to say the right things. I was just gently petting Taya and hoping to high heaven that the door held.

After nearly five minutes I was awoken from my reverie by laughter. I saw that Chrysalis was actually giggling, which made me smile; it really was adorable, as I said. Cadance was smiling. She said, "I don't know if I will ever like you, but I do forgive you, Chrysalis. I understand that sometimes hard decisions have to be made for the sake of your people. I'm sure choosing to attack Equestria was a decision made out of desperation, as Nav said."

"I… appreciate it, Mi Amore Cadenza. I do not wish to return to my changelings with angry ponies behind me."

Cadance opened her mouth to respond but the door suddenly started hissing, like a giant block of ice was hitting it. We watched it, unable to continue any manner of conversation with that noise. After about a minute, the hissing stopped and there was a gentle knocking and Celestia's voice rang out, "Hello?"

Doppel went to answer it. I whispered to Taya, "Get ready to be very cute very fast." She nodded.

The door opened and in walked Celestia. She had her crown back, at least. "I believe we have a solution for your famine," Celestia said, looking at Chrysalis.

Chrysalis stood so she could face her. "I am listening," she answered.

"Girls, if you would?" Celestia asked, turning slightly. The Cutie Mark Crusaders walked in, pushing a trolley with a teapot and two tea cups. Twilight followed them in, glaring daggers at me. "Navarone, Twilight, would you please come forward?"

We both looked at her, both alarmed. If she made me drink that shit I would get sick. If she made Twilight drink that shit and look at me I would probably never get away. Taya hopped down and I stood, slowly walking toward the trolley. Twilight stepped forward as well. With a glow of Celestia's horn, the teapot gently lifted and some purple bubbly liquid streamed out and into the two cups.

"Drink, both of you."

"But Princ—" "I'm immu—"

"Drink."

We both sighed. I looked down at the little teacup and picked it up. I stuck out my pinky finger and tossed it back. Twilight used magic to do the same, but without the pinky finger. _Some people just lack sophistication._

As expected, my body rejected it out of hand. I was on the floor, coughing my lungs out. Twilight and Taya were instantly at my side.

I heard Celestia say between coughs, "Huh. I wasn't expecting that." If I had been able to breathe or talk I would have asked what she did expect to happen, but as it was all of the air was being forced out of my lungs as my insides rearranged themselves and finally kicked the poison out of my body in a black stream of raw hate. When it was safely back in the cup, I pushed myself up to my knees.

"Fuck love poison," I rasped.

Twilight nuzzled me. "Are you okay, schmoopy?"

"Not again!" the girls—excluding Taya—groaned.

I ran my hand through Twilight's mane. "Yes, dear. Just a bad reaction." I pulled her in for a quick kiss that left her blushing. "I need to go and get something in my room right down the hall. You don't mind waiting here and entertaining our guests, do you?"

She looked alarmed at me going away, but I pulled her in for another, longer kiss. "I'll be just a minute, I promise."

"Of course, pumpkin," she sighed breathlessly. Celestia was starting to giggle. Chrysalis was rolling her eyes. Cadance was gaping.

I stood. "Taya, come along." Taya followed me out.

"Doppel," Celestia said, "Your queen requires a book. Go fetch it for her."

Doppel gave a quick salute and joined me as I exited the door. I felt Twilight's eyes on me the entire way. I let Doppel leave first and blew a kiss at Twilight when I realized that her eyes held a smoldering fire when she saw Doppel leaving with me. Twilight quickly returned to a dopey state and just waved until the door clicked shut.

I turned and saw Doppel and Taya grinning madly. "You're good at this," Doppel said.

I shrugged and jerked my head down the hall. They followed me to my room. "Can you walk on two legs?" I asked Doppel when we got there.

"I can, but I can't make clothes like the queen can." She smiled viciously. "Strip down, lover colt."

I looked at her. She smiled back. I walked over to a drawer and pulled out a set of clothes for her. She looked at them and sighed. That done, she turned into me, complete with clothes and weapons. She walked out.

"Taya, go with her. I'll be here, waiting for you." She didn't move. "Bacon." She sighed and trotted off.

Not long after she left, Cadance and the Cutie Mark Crusaders came by wheeling the trolley. "How's it going in there?" I asked.

They all grimaced. The girls made disgusted sounds. "It's all lovey dovey and gross," Sweetie Belle said.

Cadance said with much distaste, "The changeling is able to feed, but apparently the flavor isn't quite right."

"Oh, that's just Doppel. She prefers lust rather than love, so love will taste a bit strange to her."

Cadance clicked her mouth shut and grinded her teeth. After a moment, she forced out, "And how would you know that?"

I gave her a filthy grin. "I fed her last night." She glared at me. I just smiled back.

"What's… lust?" Applebloom asked.

Cadance shook herself. "Don't worry about it, girls. Come on, let's go to the garden. I'm sure we can find a fun game to play."

"Just leave the trolley here," I told them. They all ran off after Cadance.

_Well, I have now angered two of the most powerful people on the planet today. Three, actually, if Twilight has as much magic as she thinks. All I need to do now is find a way to piss Luna off and I'll be doing good._

I walked over to the desk and looked at the papers I had set up there. I poked through the unfinished ones, trying to remember more details. After a few minutes, I heard clawed feet walking in.

"Sup, Spike?" I asked without turning.

"Not much. Hey, have you been doing much thinking about the party?" I turned to face him, then.

"Sadly, no. My mind has been consumed recently." Literally. "I've had a bit of a busy day."

"Oh. Do you know where Twilight is, then?"

"Next door, with Celestia and the queen. I don't think she'll be happy to see you, though."

"Why not? I just finished researching something she asked me to help her with."

"Well, she's currently infected with a love poison and fawning over either Doppel or Chrysalis."

He shot straight up. "Then why are we in here? Come on, Nav, this is gonna be hilarious!"

"Because she is in love with me right now. If I go over there, she might explode or something."

His eyes widened and he bolted down the hall, chuckling. I spun around in my chair and started looking through the pages again._ I could probably finish this one. Maybe tonight._ I looked up when I heard a terrible wrenching sound. "Huh." I turned back to the pages. I heard an explosion and I was on my feet and into the hall. I looked out and saw Twilight, who turned her eyes on me with such an expression of joy that I didn't know what to do. She used her wings to propel herself at me.

I smiled and open my arms for her. She tackled me and down we went.

Onto my wings.

A terrifying crack shot through the halls and I felt tears pool in my eyes. Twilight instantly healed me, which shouldn't have been possible; in order to heal bones, you have to set them first. Or else be Celestia-level strong. I think that love poison might have given Twilight a bit of extra power. Normally my wings wouldn't even break from that, but I think Twilight was also given an upgrade in strength or something; she slammed me into the ground like a sledgehammer.

She covered my face in kisses.

_There are a lot of people that would say I deserve this._ I heard the sound of Celestia's horse shoes striking the ground on their way up to us. Taya and Spike strode alongside her.

Celestia stopped next to us, looking down on us. I was currently Frenching Twilight, so I couldn't exactly say anything.

"There are a lot of ponies that would say you deserve this," Celestia commented. I groaned and Twilight mistook it for a moan and somehow managed to tighten herself over me. _Where did Twilight even learn how to do this?_ "However, I am not as sadistic as you seem to think I am. I still need to punish you for what you did to my crown. I will give you two choices: Stay here for one hour, with Twilight in her state, or dance with Pinkie at the reception. The music there will be newer stuff, I believe."

_Oh you evil bitch._ I reached down and squeezed Twilight's cutie mark in response, eliciting another moan from her. Spike gagged.

Celestia shrugged. "I gave you the choice. Spike, Taya, come along. Let us leave the lovebirds to their activities." They walked off, Taya giving several backwards glances. Honestly, this seems more like punishment to Twilight than anything else. I mean, her mind got fucked with by a potion and now she's forced to live a lie for an hour without even realizing it.

After a moment I tapped her side. She pulled up, letting me get some air. _Where can we go for an hour where no one can see us but she can't do anything to me?_ She was smiling at me with a dopey expression again.

"Honey, would you mind getting off me?"

"Of course, my special somepony." She eased off me. I sat up, shaking my wings. They were fine. She looked at them. "You know, I read something once about pegasus wings. About how they're… _really _sensitive." Her horn glowed and I felt some kind of vice grip tighten over my wings, slowly squeezing them.

It felt nearly orgasmic, even with my reduced senses. I smiled, a flush coming to my face. "Please, dear. You don't need to do that to show me you care."

Her smile turned sly. "I remember you saying all that time ago that you didn't like being touched… But magic doesn't require touch." She picked me up with a purple aura and gave me bedroom eyes as she floated me to my room.

_Well, I found a way to piss Luna off today._

(Sex is coming. If you don't want to read it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

I knew that this was not going to be an overly enjoyable experience when she clunked my head on the side of the bed dropping me down. She immediately pulled me back up, cradling me like a baby. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" She pulled me close and kissed the back of my head.

"Twilight, please, we don't have to do this. We can just go for a walk. Or we can go get ice cream. Or… something other than this."

"Oh no no no! Now that we're _finally _together and we admitted our love for each other, I'm going to make sure you stay mine! So I'm going to pleasure you in the way that only the Element of Magic can…" That last was said in a scarily sultry voice. I don't know what the fuck the Element of Magic is, but I know Twilight is disturbingly strong.

"I… I don't think that's necessary."

"Oh, but I do! I know all kinds of mares want to take you away. But none of them can give you want _I _can." Her horn lit up and I felt my entire body jerk straight, still suspended in the air. My belt undid itself. My shoes untied themselves. All my clothes were slowly pulled off, leaving me defenseless before her half-lidded eyes. "I know _allll _about you, my love. I've studied your body inside and out. I know just where your erogenous zones are. And I know just how to get to them. I'm going to make you mine and you're going to love every minute."

This was starting to sound really, really scary. "Twilight, you're scaring me a bit."

"No fears now. Only dreams." What does that even mea—HOLY FUCK!

Something inside me was being stroked as her horn lit up. I felt my eyes roll up as whatever she was doing brought incredible pleasure to me. "This is what we call the prostate, dear," she calmly said. "When rubbed the right way, it's… well, I think you know by now." I had no defense against this. My insides weren't protected by Celestia's curse. "Most stallions don't take long to give into this, when it's being rubbed. But then, you aren't most stallions. You're _my _stallion." She pulled my face down to hers and kissed me, able to overpower my tongue and explore my mouth all she wanted. The stroking against me just increased until I felt myself unable to resist any longer.

I came, moaning into her mouth. She continued stroking until I had nothing left to give. She finally pushed me away from her and saw the small puddle on the floor. Magic scooped it up and flew it over to her. She looked me dead in the eye and eagerly slurped it down. _Oh God, what has Celestia gotten me into this time?_ Not even five minutes had gone by and she'd already done more for me than any of my other lovers ever had.

As if reading my mind, her smile returned. "We're just getting started." Her horn went brighter and I felt all my energy return. I instantly got hard again. "That's just a taste of what I can give you, Nav. What do you think?"

"That was… quite enjoyable," I hesitantly answered. More like terrifying as hell. If she could fine-tune her magic as well as that, what else could she do with it?

Her horn lit up brighter. "Oh my! Lying, even now…" I heard a whistling sound in the air and then felt a switch across the ass. I would have flinched but I wasn't able to move. "Don't lie to me, Nav. Lovers don't lie."

"You know I don't like magic, Twilight. I hate being controlled like this."

"You don't like magic… but I am a unicorn. And you love me." It's a good thing she didn't think to use that lie detecting spell to question that. "Please be willing to try what I want to do…" And now she was pleading. Fuck love poison.

I grinned nervously. "Okay, dear. For… for you."

Her horn glowed brighter and I felt a vice grip on my wings and my member. The one on my wings started circling down, looking for the pleasure centers. The one on my member began convulsing and vibrating, teasing my urethra with gentle taps. I felt a small vibration on my prostate again.

She slowly flew me over to the bed and gently laid me down, making sure to avoid hitting my head. The entire time she was doing that I was in bliss, trying to fight the feelings. She climbed on top of me and looked into my eyes, loving purple meeting fearful green. "I love you, Navarone," she whispered. Instead of waiting for an answer, she just kissed me again. She forced her tongue as far into me as she could get it. I was too preoccupied to fight.

The feeling around my wings was finally concentrating to a few nodes, the pleasure epicenters. I don't know what cruel—or perhaps loving—god put them there, but I want to slap him in the face and then buy him a beer.

I would have wrapped my arms around Twilight, but she was still holding me, completely disallowing me from moving. I couldn't fight her. I couldn't help her. All I could do was give in.

So that's what I did. I focused on the pleasure flowing in. The magic molding itself to my prostate. The pressure slowly growing on my wings. The magic-job she was giving my manhood. I just relaxed and let it happen.

A minute later I came yet again, my seed shooting up and landing on Twilight's back in a sticky mass. She pulled away from me, giggling. I saw it flying away but I have no idea where it ended up. "That's two," she whispered, nuzzling me. "This one is a surprise I've been working on for a while. Let me know what you think when you can talk again."

"When I can ta—" My perception of everything broke. I felt raw pleasure dumped into my brain, unimpeded by nerves or flesh. I had no idea what was happening to my body, I just know that whatever she was doing to my brain was ungodly. There was no other sensation than bliss. I couldn't see. I couldn't smell. I couldn't taste. It was unimaginable and horrifying.

I lost all concept of time while I was in that state. When I finally came to, I learned that over half an hour had passed. My bed was nasty. Twilight was wearing a small smile, standing off to the side. Her horn had finally stopped glowing.

"What… did you… do?" I croaked.

"I used magic to send signals of pleasure directly into your brain." She giggled. "You made quite a mess!" I looked around and saw what she meant. I got off the bed and onto my feet. I didn't last a second before falling. Twilight's magic caught me before I hit the ground and she floated me over for another kiss. "Now now now, I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself, now would I, my special somehuman?" She pushed me away a bit. "Now, I want to hear you say it."

"Say what?"

"That you're mine. That you finally realized that I'm the best for you. That you want me and _only _me." I opened my mouth but she cut me off, "And I'll know if you lie. I can think of other things to do to make you want only me."

"I…" My voice caught. I didn't want to say anything that might cause her to do something else to me. I had no idea Twilight was this fucking crazy. I knew she was bad at times, but this? This was terrifying.

"Yessss?" she whispered, leaning in.

I cast my gaze about the room, looking for anything to help me. My eyes caught a clock hanging on the wall. _Oh. Oh my, that's just perfect. _I nodded a random direction. "LOOK OVER THERE, A DISTRACTION!" She blinked and jerked her head away, looking where I nodded. I instantly teleported away, carried by Celestia's magic to a place that hopefully didn't have a crazy unicorn.

(Sex is over)

I couldn't help but wonder who was guilty of rape. Me, for being sober but unwilling to risk life and limb to stop Twilight. Twilight, for actually doing the act even though she was drunk on love poison. Or Celestia, for letting it happen—nay, _knowing _it would happen and that Twilight was drugged and I had no way to stop her.

Fucking Molestia.

Anyway, after the proscribed hour, I was teleported straight to the library in Ponyville. I think I heard a shriek of horror reverberating from the castle, several miles away.

I immediately went downstairs and pulled a book from the shelves and downed half a flask of booze. I sighed, feeling better immediately. My crotch really hurt and my wings were feeling it too. I had an hour until the love poison on Twilight wore off, so I would be here for a little while.

I went to put on a set of clothes and went off to the farm. It took me about fifteen minutes to find the booze; it wasn't hidden at all. There weren't many barrels of it left. I grabbed a cart and loaded it full. I would have gotten help, but all of the Apples were apparently at Canterlot; Celestia decided to keep them on there for the week, paying them extra to stay and cook for the castle instead of sending them all back to their homes just so they'd have to come back at the week's end. I pulled the cart into the train station and was on the first train heading to Canterlot. I was away for well over an hour by the time the train pulled in to Canterlot station.

I hired some day laborers to help me with the barrels. Having shitloads of coin is pretty helpful. I had the barrels left outside the entrance to the kitchens and stepped inside.

I walked back up to Applejack, who was once against stirring something. "Hey AJ, I borrowed some stuff from your barn. You want me to pay you now or later?"

"Anytime. I know yer good for it."

"Well, you don't exactly have pockets. It can wait. Just make sure no one bothers the barrels outside, alright?"

"Don't worry about it, Nav; they'll be fine."

"Awesome. See you later, lass." She nodded, still stirring the whatever. I walked back out and flew up to my room.

Thankfully, the bedspread had been changed and the trolley with the poison was no longer there. I could still smell the shame, but I was hoping that was just emanating off me. I stripped down and went to the shower.

When I got out, Taya was back in my room. "Taya, the next time I try to steal the crown, I want you to stop me with magic."

"Okay. Are you feeling better?"

"Immeasurably. My head feels much clearer, now that I have new sorrow to add to make up for what was lost."

"Good. Twilight wants to speak to you, I think. And Celestia still wants you to go see Rarity."

"Rarity first. She's been waiting longer." And I really don't want to see Twilight. "After her, we might visit Chrysalis again. I assume her door has been replaced?" Taya nodded. "Well then, shall we?"

"Shouldn't you put some clothes on first?"

I blinked. "Yeah, I probably should." I was, at least, wearing a towel. I checked the drawer with the normal clothes. It was empty. "Taya, where are my clothes?"

"In your drawer?"

I opened the other ones. They still had liveries in them.

A few minutes later Taya and I were walking to Rarity's room. I was wearing the clothes from Ponyville. At least whoever stole my clothes left my weapons.

For the first time, I actually had to _walk _up Rarity's stairs. It was horrifying. But given that my wings were still kind of sore, I suppose it was better than flying. I knocked on the door and it swung open. Cadance and Rarity were discussing dresses, so I just led Taya to the side of the room and did my best to forget the past few hours.

Before Cadance left, she said, "We still need to talk, Nav."

I gave a dark smile. "Good luck ever finding me. I'm getting run ragged all over the damn place. I was in Ponyville an hour ago."

"What were you doing there?"

"Recuperating. Ask Twilight or Celestia if you want more details." Her eyes went wide, but thankfully she walked out.

Leaving Taya and me alone with a person that wasn't quite happy with me.

Rarity held her smile until the door clicked and then turned a very disapproving glance over to me. Before she could yell at me I said, "Taya quick! Use cuteness!" Taya jumped for a moment and then turned her gaze upon Rarity, who raised an eyebrow and looked at Taya for a moment before turning her gaze back to me. "It isn't working! Cute harder!"

Rarity face-hooved.

"She's growing weak. Quick, finish her with a hug!"

"Navarone, please…" She was cut off by a filly hugging her, looking up at her with large, watering eyes. I could practically see Rarity's heart melting. She sighed. "Okay, fine, you win."

"Awesome. Taya, you can stop now if you want." Taya let go and walked back over to my side.

Rarity watched her walk away with a gentle smile before looking back at me. "Only you would think of weaponizing cuteness, Nav. Now come over here. I have four suits of armor planned, two for solar and two for lunar." I went over to her table and she showed me four drawings.

"Which one is the lightest? As in, weighs the least?"

"Weight isn't an issue with armor, Nav. All of this is going to be enchanted by either Celestia or Luna when you get knighted. You will be tapped over the shoulder three times. One will be an enchantment that permanently lightens the armor, one will be a spell binding you to the oaths you took, and one will be a complete revitalization spell, signifying a fresh start. Didn't they tell you that?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't really listening. But if my load isn't lightened until the ceremony, it still won't help if I can't actually get there because I'm so weighed down that I can't move."

"No, that's when your load will be _permanently _lightened. Princess Celestia knows of your strength problem, Nav. She'll help you with that before you go."

"You know, you'd think that if they could enchant metal to be lighter, they could enchant clothes to be as strong as metal. Hell, just bypass the clothes entirely and make the skin strong."

She blinked and looked at me. She grabbed my shirt and gently pulled me down to face level with her. Then she used her other hoof to slap me across the face. Not hard enough to leave a bruise, but it did smart. "Stop it." She let my shirt go. "Now pick two of these, unless you've decided which patron you want."

I rubbed at my face. "Stupid cunt," I muttered. I turned my eyes down to the drawings. _Well, it's official. Our worlds have merged at some point. _One of the armor sets for Luna looked like Daedric armor from one of the Elder Scrolls games while the other one was unfamiliar—I assumed it came some time after I left—the only difference being a crescent moon stamped on the front and back breastplate and shield of each. One of the sets of Celestia's armor looked like the light plate armor from one of the Fable games, while I didn't even recognize the other one. The only differences were, again, the sun stamped on them. The second sets of armor that I didn't recognize looked more badass than the ones I did.

I looked at Rarity. "I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, but have you ever been in a large-scale battle?"

She gave me a very womanly look.

"Rarity, I wouldn't be able to see in any of these if I was wearing the helmet. Honestly, it doesn't matter given that as soon as the knighting ceremony is over I'm scrapping the armor, but still."

She gave me a horrified look. "You can't do that!"

"You would be surprised at what I can and cannot do, Rarity."

"You don't understand! One of the oaths that you take as a knight is that you will be the shield of the princess until your shield fails! If your armor gets lost or scrapped, your oaths will be vo—Why are you smiling?"

"Rarity, you just made me a very happy man. So all I have to do is destroy my armor and I'm no longer a knight?"

"Well, I guess you could look at it that way, yes. Why?"

"Oh, no reason…" I looked over the armor with much more interest.

"Navarone, what are you thinking?" Rarity asked hesitantly.

_Which armor will be easiest to break?_ "Just trying to decide which of these beautiful sets I want, Rarity. You've really outdone yourself this time." I pulled the medal out of my pocket while thinking. "Do you think you can do something with this? Or should I just not bother?"

She looked at it. "It would fit more on the Solar sets, but Twilight told me how you won those battles and your methods fit more on the Lunar armor. I can't incorporate it. Sorry, Nav."

I shrugged and slipped it into a pocket. "No worries." I picked out the two sets I didn't recognize. "One of these two. I'll get back to you tomorrow about whether I'm going to be Solar or Lunar. Now, do you know who is planning my weapon?"

"Not my department, Nav. Didn't the princesses tell you anything? They choose the weapon for you when you decide which you want as a patron."

Huh. "That works. If you don't need anything else, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?"

Taya cleared her throat. "I believe you need to see Twilight," she commented.

I looked at her. She looked at me. I turned back to Rarity. "So yeah, do you know where Fluttershy or Pinkie is?"

"No pony ever knows where Pinkie is until she appears. Fluttershy is probably in the gardens. But if you need to see Twilight, you should probably go to her. Especially given how angry she was with you after that stunt you pulled. She didn't say what you did to her in the labyrinth, but she was very, _very _angry."

"Eh, she'll get over it. Come along, Taya; we have a busy schedule." I led her back out and down the tower. I couldn't help but hum as we kept walking. Despite everything, I still felt pretty good.

"Daddy, what are you doing?"

"Walking. And breathing. Osmosis, mitosis, diffusion. Several other cellular operations. Humming. Thinking. Talking."

"Oh. I meant… what's that noise?"

"That's me humming. I can stop, if you want."

"No, that's okay. It sounds… nice."

"Well, if you knew the song I was humming you probably wouldn't think that way." From what I had seen, Taya preferred classical music. I wasn't humming that.

"If you like it, it can't be all that bad."

"But I'm a bad person, remember. Doesn't that mean my tastes are also bad?"

"Not necessarily. And that's also assuming that you are a bad person, which is a lie."

"Yeah, well, I _am _a liar."

She huffed. We walked in silence for a bit. I finally said, "I never did ask. Did Chrysalis hurt you when she looked into your mind?"

"No. It just felt… odd."

"Are you just saying that because you don't want me to kill her?"

"No. You can kill her if you want."

"I'm glad to know you're so understanding. I think I'll hold off, at least for now."

She shrugged and we continued in silence.

It didn't take us long to find Fluttershy out in the gardens. She was teaching birds to sing or something. Since Fluttershy hadn't noticed us, we sat back to watch. When they finished their song, I started clapping lightly, causing Fluttershy to jump and scare the birds away.

"Nav, you're back!" She rushed forward and was probably about to tackle me into a hug when Taya restrained her with magic.

"Thank you, Taya. I am getting tired—oh so very tired—of being thrown on my ass whenever a pony wants a hug. Twilight actually broke both of my fucking wings today, she tackled me so hard. Now, if you want a hug, can you be reasonable about it?"

"Oh… Sorry for almost hurting you, Nav… Can I… can I have a hug?" I sighed exaggeratedly and stood, opened my arms slightly, and put on an impatient expression. She flinched and gently extended her forelegs.

I quickly grabbed her and held her in a vice grip. She "Eep'd." I held her like that for a few seconds before letting her drop.

"Now why did you want a hug?" I asked.

"I heard you went… crazy… today. I saw you sitting there and you looked fine, so I assumed your mind was back to normal."

"Well, it's better than it was. Normal is pushing it. Now let's go."

"Um. Okay." She fell into step beside me and Taya. We were at the castle before she asked, "So where are we going?"

"To see Chrysalis," I answered. "As I said last night, she wants to apologize for threatening you."

Fluttershy didn't seem that comfortable with that answer. "Twilight asked us… to not see her. And she did seem awfully mean, Nav."

"Fluttershy, you would probably be pretty pissed if a plan you were working on fell through in such a spectacularly bad way. Especially if your family depended on that plan being successful. It wouldn't hurt to give her a chance, would it? I won't let her hurt you."

"I don't know…"

"You're too kind to refuse to let someone apologize. I think she feels bad for what she did and wants to make sure you don't think ill of her for it. Surely you can give her that comfort, at least? You don't have to stay long."

"…Okay."

"Cool. Oh, and don't worry: We already tested the love poison, so I'm not going to get you to do that."

"You didn't hurt anypony, did you?"

I snorted. "No, but Twilight sure did hurt me. Like I said, she broke my wings." She made up for it. "Celestia could have made a much smarter choice than someone as powerful in magic as Twilight. And I don't even know why she had me drink that stuff when she knows that I'm immune."

"She gave _Twilight _a love poison? That seems…"

"Dangerous?" I asked.

"Stupid?" Taya asked.

"Irresponsible," Fluttershy finished.

"Well, yeah," I said. "That's Celestia for you. She tends to do things that would be funny rather than things that would be right. Sometimes, anyway."

"Nav, that's not tru—Well… Okay." She had read my journal and she had a few experiences of her own with Trollestia. "But still, you could have been hurt!"

"She broke my fucking wings. I _was _hurt. I got better."

Fluttershy shook her head sadly. "Somepony should really talk to Princess Celestia about her actions. One day she might make a really big mistake!"

"She wouldn't do that, Fluttershy. She knows when to be serious and when she can goof off. She's pretty old, remember? I have to say, though, she looks fine for her age."

Fluttershy turned a funny color and stopped walking when I said that. I kept going, not paying her any heed. After a moment she caught up and didn't mention it.

Unfortunately, Taya did. "What does that mean, daddy?"

Now it was my turn to be red-faced. "When you get to be several thousand years old, I don't think you'll have a figure like she does," I answered.

"Oh."

"Nav… is that what you really meant?" Fluttershy asked.

I scoffed. "Hell no. You're just too young to hear what I actually meant. I'll tell Taya later, when you're at nap time." Taya giggled.

Fluttershy looked up at me and said, "I'm a year older than you."

"What? You don't even know how old I am." How old _were _these ponies, anyway? I can never tell and no one ever tells me when I ask.

"I think what she meant," Taya said, "Is that she's more mature than you are."

"Well, yeah. It would be hard not to be, with my mind up in smoke as it is. I mean, even _Rarity _is probably more mature than me right now and we all know how zany she usually is." That got a chuckle out of Fluttershy.

"Fluttershy's normally more mature than you are anyway, though," Taya said.

"Well that's no fun. Just because you get older doesn't mean you have to grow up. Fluttershy, you should live a little. I bet if you asked Pinkie Pie could teach you to be a swinger."

"What's a swinger?"

"No idea, but I've heard the term back on my world and it was usually associated with partying and whatnot."

"Maybe I'll have to ask Pinkie, then. It certainly sounds… fun."

"Swinging on trees can get old. That's why I'm a human now and not a chimp."

"You used to be a chimp?" Fluttershy asked, wonder evident in her voice.

"Not me personally, but my species. We evolved from them." Not entirely accurate, but fuck all if Fluttershy knew the difference.

"I heard you mention that last night. What's… evolution?"

I sighed. It was a long walk to Chrysalis's room.

"…So you're saying that you used to be a monkey?"

"Oh look, we're here."

"But then som—"

"OH LOOK, WE'RE HERE!" I knocked on the door, cutting Fluttershy off.

Doppel opened the door. "Why are you yelling at yellow quiet, Nav?" she asked.

"Because she's asking stupid questions. Is Chrysalis free?"

"Yes. The _queen _is free." She didn't open the door any further and continued standing there.

"Can we… see her?" I finally asked.

"I don't know. Can you give her proper respect?"

"Let them in, Doppel," Chrysalis called out. "You know how Navarone is."

With an audible 'humph,' the door opened to let us inside. I swear that woman is bipolar. We entered, Fluttershy gently closing the door behind us.

"I see you managed to escape your paramour, Navarone," Chrysalis said with a smirk, showing off her fangs. Fluttershy shivered when she saw that.

"Yes. I did. What the hell did you do to her that made her break down the door?"

"That was your precious princess, actually," Chrysalis said. "She told Doppel to turn back to her shape. Celestia then bent down and whispered something into Twilight's ear. A few seconds later, the door exploded and your princess giggled."

"Yep, that's Celestia." I turned to Doppel. "I have more memories for you, if you're still interested."

"I got plenty from Twilight. It was all fresh, too! I wanted to…" She paused for a moment and then continued. "Well, your princess told me no. It seems she didn't have any compunction giving _you _the honor."

"Well, that's creepy." I turned back to Chrysalis. "I brought Fluttershy back. I remember you saying you wished to talk with her."

Chrysalis gave me one of those looks. It was the first one I had gotten from her, and the reptilian eyes really compounded it. Since they don't have any effects on me anyway, the compounding didn't do anything, but still.

"Don't you look at me with that tone of voice." She rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, my mind is still a bit beaten up. I'll just sit down." She jerked her head to the armchair, which I gratefully plopped down in. Taya joined me a second later. _Today has just been a really weird day._ I gently pet her without thinking about it, zoning out again. I felt something brush my leg but ignored it.

And then I heard giggling and looked down. I was petting a filly version of Doppel. Taya was looking up at me with a bit of mirth in her eyes. I sighed and moved Doppel to one knee and patted Taya up to the other. My legs had a lot of pressure on them from two filly-sized creatures, but meh; I had two hands. I quickly had Doppel's tongue lolling as I scratched at her ears.

Chrysalis and Fluttershy were talking, but again I wasn't really paying attention. Chrysalis was a big girl; I'm sure she could take care of herself. And Fluttershy was too nice to fly off the handle.

…Probably.

Anyway, nothing bad happened. Fluttershy left after a few minutes, giving me a concerned look before closing the door. Chrysalis turned a disdainful eye to me. Or rather, to Doppel. "Get off him." Doppel was too busy having her back scratched; she was arching into my hand like a cat. It wasn't until Chrysalis turned into a large dragon and picked the filly-sized Doppel up by the scruff of her neck that Doppel realized she might be in trouble. Chrysalis glared at her with her glowing green eyes.

Doppel grinned sheepishly and turned back to her regular size with a shrug. Chrysalis unceremoniously dropped her, letting her slam into the floor. That done, Chrysalis turned back to her regular shape and sat back down. Or whatever it is ponies call what they do on couches. Taya moved to take over my entire lap again.

"How have you remained sane here, Navarone?" Chrysalis asked, as though that whole episode never occurred.

"I ask myself that every day. I take long walks and do my best to avoid ponies for long stretches of time. Spending a bit of recovery time in other continents helped as well."

"And alcohol," Taya added.

"Yeah, that has helped a bit," I sighed wistfully.

"What is… alcohol?" Chrysalis asked.

"It's a human stimulant. Or rather, a human depressant. It distorts the mind temporarily. I don't know all the science behind it, but it basically does to _every _race what salt does to ponies. I don't dip into my stores much, but sometimes I wake up and all I can do is grab a flask and sit on a cloud and drink."

"I see. I don't suppose you can obtain some of this substance for me? These ponies are driving me to my breaking point."

"It's just going to get worse when I bring in Pinkie. Tell you what: I have a few barrels of that shit at the palace. I'll save one of them and bring it up here during the wedding reception. We can both get trashed and lament our sorrows together."

She smiled darkly. Taya said, "Can I have some?"

"No, fillies don't get to drink booze."

"What about me?" Doppel asked.

Chrysalis said, "Navarone just said fillies are not allowed to partake." Doppel pouted.

"Awesome. Now I have a good reason to not be there. The wedding will end, I'll get knighted, immediately destroy my armor and get unknighted, grab some booze and come on up."

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "You found a loophole, then? Good. At least you will find some freedom. Your princess has yet to discuss terms with me about the use of love poison and her ponies. I hope they will be terms I can find peace with, as I fear I am in no position to bargain."

"You might be better off than you know. As Taya said earlier, records were found indicating that you did, in fact, come earlier as you said you did. That might be enough to send Celestia into a small guilt trip, giving you more favorable terms. And the more ponies you make peace with, the better light you'll be seen in by the people here. As long as you keep pretending to be changed, you should be fine. And as long as you don't come back and try to create trouble here again, you should be free to rule your people as you see fit when you leave."

"Unless Celestia's terms are something I find myself unable to agree with."

I shrugged. "I honestly can't help you there. She knows I have been spending a lot of time here, so she wouldn't listen to me if I came to her trying to discuss what she wants to do. I don't know what she has planned."

"Then I suppose I shall have to wait until after the wedding." She would probably be hung over, too. I'll have to make sure she has plenty of water.

"If it makes you feel any better, Celestia will almost definitely offer you some manner of terms. When she requires my help, my choices are often either prison or doing as she asks."

"And why does everypony consider her such a benevolent ruler, again?"

"Because she had your ass on the floor and decided to spare you instead of sending you to Tartarus."

"Because you convinced her to."

"What would you have done if you had someone that threatened your people on the floor at your feet, knocked out?"

"Imprison them so I could continually feed off their emotions. _I _am not considered benevolent. _She _is."

"Well, she is usually very nice to her subjects. But I'm not technically one of her subjects."

"Then how can she knight you?"

"Because she's the princess and she does what she wants. Who the hell's going to stop her?"

Chrysalis grimaced. "Can you not kill her yourself? As much as she trusts you, I don't imagine it would be a hard feat."

"Oh, I could do it in a snap. In fact, I _have _done it; she asked me to do a training exercise a few months ago where I was an assassin. I killed her easily. I did the same thing to Luna, three times. But if I actually killed them, I would never escape this palace alive. And apparently Celestia has some manner of effect on the planet, even though she lies about controlling the sun; if she dies, there would apparently be some terrible consequences."

She sighed. "I feared as much. I already know you wouldn't accept any deals with me, so I won't bother asking." I didn't say anything. She continued, "I don't suppose you have had any luck finding the pink one? I might as well get the pain over with as quickly as possible."

"I ran into her earlier when I was running around with the crown, but I don't know where she is now." She grinned at the mention of the crown. "I could try looking around, if you want. I can't promise to find her and bring her back today, though; that one is always elusive." I could totally see myself walking around the entire palace looking for her, only to find that she was right behind me the entire time and just managed to turn with me every time I looked behind me. "Honestly, I'm surprised she hasn't forced her way in yet."

"That persistent pastel purple pony has already proven how difficult that is."

"Pinkie Pie doesn't observe the laws of reality. I could honestly see her teleporting in here. In fact, she's probably watching us right now from somewhere." I paused as we heard distant laughter. I continued, "She probably has your party fully planned, and is just waiting for you to give the go-ahead."

Chrysalis smiled. "Now I truly am tempted to ignore her. I remember seeing some of her… abilities… when I was posing as that simpering fool, but to see if she could truly get past the defenses built into this room would be something." We heard distant giggling again.

"I wouldn't tempt fate. I'll bring her here when I find her. I know you know how frustrating she is, so I'll try to pay attention during that conversation and jump in when I can."

"I have been handling myself fine so far. Mi Amore Cadenza was difficult to talk to, but Fluttershy was relatively easy. The pink one, though…" She shuddered. "I do not wish to talk to her at all; your help is welcomed."

"If you really insist upon not using names unless you know the full one, Pinkie's name is Pinkamena. Calling her that will annoy her, so that should be a plus for you."

"Yes. That will do nicely. Now, I don't suppose you'd mind if we talked in private for a little while?"

"Taya, if you return to my room I'll pick you up before I go looking for Pinkie. Or you can go wherever you want and I'll find you later. Just stay out of trouble, as always."

"I'll be next door," she whispered.

"Remember the code word, then."

She jumped down and trotted to the door.

"Doppel, I require more books. Go and get something. You know what I like."

She saluted and opened the door for herself and Taya, leaving me alone with Chrysalis.

She looked at me and stood. "If you tell anypony about this I'll kill you," she warned, before shrinking to a much smaller version of herself and jumping into my lap. I put my hand on her neck and started gently scratching. She sighed lightly and sank down a bit.

One of my hands moved to her wings. I really hoped they weren't sensitive like mine or those of pegasi, but I've done worse things than accidentally pleasure a filly-sized bug-queen thing. They really did feel cool, too; some of the holes were big enough to stick my finger through, and when I did she gasped. _Not thinking about that symbolism. Nope._ I traced a few of the veins going down the dragon-fly-like wings.

The hand on her neck went up to her head and I gently scratched at her ears. They weren't quite like pony ears, and they laid back farther, but they reacted the same to some nice scratching. After a moment I moved my hand up to the area around her horn, gently rubbing it. Eventually I moved my hand to under her chin, scratching it. Her leg started gently kicking when I did that. _If Twilight could see her now, she wouldn't be so angry. We all need a bit of comfort sometimes._

I stopped scratching her chin and she said, "So what did you mean earlier when you asked why I would look like Mi Amore Cadenza when I could look like myself?"

"Cadance is so… Eh. Aside from being an alicorn and a distinctive color, she just looks like almost any other pony to me. You, however…" I gently ran a finger down from the tip of her head to the base of her tail, causing her to shiver. "…unique. Striking. Definitely someone I would rather have a conversation with than Cadance. And what can I say?" I asked as I moved the hand working on her wings to the base of her tail and the other hand to her wings, rubbing her flank gently. "Evil is sexy."

I heard that little chuckle that I thought was so adorable.

And then Celestia walked in. No knocks, no preamble, no nothing. "_Ahem_," she coughed.

Chrysalis shot out of my lap like a fucking bullet and was back to her own shape before I could even look up. When I did, I saw that she was a nearly luminescent green.

Celestia looked at her with what might have been disappointment before turning to me. "Navarone, come."

I went to the door and into the hall. She followed me out. She led me down the hall to my room and then transformed into Doppel, where we proceeded to totally crack up.

"What are you two laughing at?" Taya asked.

"The look on her face!" I giggled. "Oh God it was priceless!"

"The look on _her _face?" Doppel cackled. "You thought you were about to get castrated!" I wouldn't go _that _far, but I think there was definitely some horror there.

"Oh God she's going to kill you when she finds out about this."

"It was so worth it. Put that on my tombstone. Better yet, put a picture of her face when I walked in! I can just imagine the look on Celestia's face if she actually was the one that walked in!" She burst out laughing again and I couldn't help but join her.

"Oh man, it's a shame I'm going to have to lock you in her room, now. That was almost too funny…"

"Wait, what?"

"You know, the whole no transforming without permission thing? That totally goes against it."

"But… but… It was so hilarious! It was just the perfect timing!"

"I know, which is why I'll consider letting you get away with it. But you'd have to owe me."

She was suddenly on me, tracing a line down my chest with her fucked up hoof. "Oh? I can think of a few ways to make it up to you."

I gently grabbed her two front hooves and pushed, causing her to tumble backwards. "A favor. I might cash it in later. Deal?"

She leaned up, rubbing her back. "Deal." I grabbed one of her front hooves and hauled her to her feet.

"Now go back to Chrysalis. I'm sure she's quaking in her carapace right now." Her surprisingly soft carapace, actually. "If she asks why you don't have any books, just tell her you saw Celestia and me going somewhere and you saw the severity on our faces and you rushed right back."

"You really _are _good at this. No wonder those ponies keep you around." With that she was out the door.

"Welp, that made my entire year. Shall we go find Twilight?"

"What happened to looking for Pinkie?"

I waved a hand. "Are _you _in the mood for dealing with her right now?" That wasn't the real reason, of course; if Chrysalis had me return to her quickly enough, she would know that we were fucking with her.

"I'm never in the mood to deal with her."

"Fair enough. Shall we be off, then? Also, bacon."

She walked to the door and off we were.

"Any thoughts of where to look first?" I asked.

"The library?"

"Fair enough." She wasn't there. She also wasn't with Applejack, Rarity, or Fluttershy. "Well fuck. This palace is just unnecessarily big."

"And it seems to grow occasionally, too. I think we've passed a few rooms that weren't there the last time I passed this way." THANK GOD SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

"Well, any other ideas?"

"Throne room?"

"Couldn't hurt." We went that way. "Wait, what time is it?" We looked at each other and she shrugged. "Have you eaten lunch?" She shook her head. "I don't really want to talk to Twilight anyway. Let's hit the royal eatery." Again. Back to the kitchens…

I turned suddenly and swear I caught a small glimpse of a tuft of pink in the corner of my eye, but kept going. If Pinkie was following me, I would never know until she wanted me to.

Thankfully, we bumped into Spike in the kitchens. "Hey Spike, you see those barrels outside?" He nodded around an apple pastry. "That's all the booze for the party. Leave me one barrel and the rest is yours. I need you to do me a favor, though."

He swallowed the apple thing. "What do you need?"

"Whenever you get a free moment, look up everything you can about knights and voiding oaths." I wanted to make sure Rarity was correct before I actually went and destroyed my armor. Besides, there ain't no telling what kind of shit I can find; in my experience, when Celestia wants you to do something she'll tell you the side of the story she wants you to hear. If there was a way around oathing myself to either sister, I was all for finding it.

His eyes went wide with excitement.

"That doesn't mean for you to look up stories about knights. That means you need to find out about their contracts and all the legalese involved. Learn about the oaths, exceptions and whatnot, and all that jazz. Hell, just finding me the proper books would be enough, but if you could go ahead and look through them that would be kickass."

"Sure. I can go and do that as soon as I finish here. What do you need the one barrel for?"

"Assuming you can't find me a way to get unknighted, I'm going to do something really stupid during the wedding reception."

"What did you have in mind?"

"I'm going to go get drunk with Chrysalis and hopefully do something stupid enough to force Celestia to drop the knighthood herself."

"Well, good luck with that…" He scarfed another thing down.

"Oh, and don't tell Twilight about my plans. If you do I'll tell her that you were drinking at the bachelor party." He spit crumbs everywhere. "Speaking of Twilight, do you know where she is?"

He coughed a few times. "In her room," he rasped. He grabbed some apple juice.

"Well, where's her bloody room?"

"Same place it always is, dude. Isn't that where you stayed during the first Gala?"

"Dude, I've seen some shit today, man. I stole Celestia's fucking crown and booked it across the palace. My mind is fucking gone." When I mentioned that I stole Celestia's crown he coated the table in apple juice. "Jesus, Spike, you'll never win Rarity over if you keep spitting food everywhere."

"You did what?!"

"You heard Celestia today when she left me with Twilight. That was punishment for taking her crown. It was hilarious, too. I had Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack chasing me around the grounds while Pinkie and Rainbow Dash played interference. It ended with me and Twilight in the maze. I had already passed the crown off by then, but she didn't know that. I had to seduce her again to get her distracted long enough to get away."

Spike was cracking up again.

"Well, it's been nice talking to you, bro. I need to jet. Come find me when you learn anything more about knights."

When Taya and I got to the door he finally burst out laughing. On the way to Twilight's room, I sighed. "Today has just been a really weird day, hasn't it?"

"Yeah. It really has been."

"Do you think your cuteness will work on Twilight?"

"I don't think so. It took all I had to beat Rarity, and she was only disappointed at you."

"Damn. I guess I'll have to rely on my charm and good looks."

"So we're doomed?"

"Oh yeah, we're fucked. It was nice knowing you, though."

"I can think of worse places to die…" I can imagine.

"You know, if you hid on my back you might be able to surprise her with a sneak attack. And you might get another chance to kick me in the back of the head."

"I'm sold." I gently lifted her up and gave her another piggyback ride.

We were like that until we got to Twilight's large spire room house thing. "Now, if you think she's about to attack me, you jump at her while I get away. She'd never attack an innocent filly."

"But if I jump at her, wouldn't that mean I wasn't innocent?"

"Fuck, I didn't think this through. We can com—" The door opened.

Twilight stared at me. I stared at her. After a moment, Taya cleared her throat.

Twilight walked back inside, leaving the door open. I followed her in, ducking so Taya didn't hit her head. I saw a gentle glowing from my head and the door shut behind me.

"So how are the tests on the poison?" I asked.

"We need to talk," Twilight said.

"About the black shit I coughed up, right? Let's talk about that."

"You aren't running away from this problem, Nav. Not like you do all your other ones."

"It isn't so much _running _as it is—"

"Shut up and sit down." She pulled a chair out from under a table with magic.

"If you're going to be rude I can ju—"

"No, you can't." I didn't much care for the menacing undertone there.

I set Taya down and went to the chair she pulled out for me. Seeing nothing wrong with it, I sat. Twilight came back in a moment with a pot of tea—actual tea, not poison. She set it down and three cups levitated over to the table, sitting in front of each of us. Three different jars flew and landed as well. The teapot poured into each of the three cups. I reached for one of the jars but it leapt away from me. One of the others pushed itself forward. I grabbed it.

"Twilight, what the fuck is… polonium?"

"Just something else I've been meaning to test on you. Try it."

I poured a bit of the stuff into the tea and stirred it. "As mad as you are at me, I can't imagine this test is going to leave me very healthy. Is it too late to remind you of what I said earlier about nothing I did today ever being held against me?"

"Try it."

Taya was looking at me with apprehension in her eyes. I shrugged and grabbed the teacup and drank a bit of it.

"Not bad. Kind of earthy, but I've had worse. It tastes kind of like… Why am I reminded of… punch?"

My eyes went wide. _The party. The poison used on Blueblood._

Twilight smiled. "You're doing well so far. Anypony else would have died as soon as they swallowed. This stuff is so toxic that special containers have to be made for it; I'm honestly surprised the teacup survived it." She gently sipped at her own tea.

I took another sip at mine.

"So why did you want to talk to me?" I asked in a conversational tone. _Well, Twilight has gone off the deep end. Play it cool until I can safely get out and warn Celestia._

"Your behavior today has been… beyond inappropriate. You are lucky Princess Celestia told me why you are acting this way. I wish she had done it before we met in the maze, but that has always been her way."

I took another sip. "So why did you want to talk to me?"

"What Celestia had us do today was bad. Even for her, it was worse than usual. I know you deserved it, but I was wondering if you wanted to know why I did."

"I don't. It's not my business."

"That's a shame." I emptied my teacup and sat it back down. The teapot lifted to refill it. I reached for the first jar I had tried to grab, but she pulled it farther. She pushed the second one up.

"Look, I _know _what sarin is. How the titfuck did you sick bastards make this stuff?"

"You survived the polonium. I want to see how much your new body can take. And I'm in a bad enough mood to find out, one way or another."

"Twilight, the poison at the party didn't start affecting me until a few minutes had passed."

"I examined it. Based on what I could tell, it was considerably less toxic than what I have already given you. If you were going to have any ill effects, they should have hit by now."

"I'm not playing this game with you, Twilight. It took four unicorns to barely save Blueblood, and from what I've heard he's still not doing too good. I got sick from what he had." I could feel a slight itching inside me, too. "What do you think fucking sarin will do to me? This is a nerve agent! Even the sick fucks that run my world banned this shit!" The itching was turning to a scratching.

"Fine. We'll wait a few minutes. But as to your first question, I have discovered some interesting properties from the love poison you threw up. Your guess was right: It is, essentially, liquid hate." The scratching was turning into waves of pain. "I had to get a small taste to tell even that. I might test it on some of Fluttershy's animals when I get back… It shouldn't actually hurt anypony, but I think it will change their mental state a bit. I wish I could test more about how your body created it, though."

I would have tried to tell her, but my body picked that time to spit out some amber blood. I noticed before I passed out that it was much more viscous than normal.

Thankfully, I woke up again. Not so thankfully, nearly sixty hours had passed since I passed out. I was in a familiar segmented bed. I pushed myself up and noticed how incredible I felt. My window showed that it was pretty dark outside. I got to my feet and immediately fell forward; my entire body was stiff. I stood again and limbered up a bit. I used the moonlight to find clothes. There were two sets laid out for me: One of Luna and one of Celestia. I checked everywhere else and there wasn't anything there for me.

_Fuck. Well, I like darker clothes anyway… _I grabbed the Luna set. _At least they're comfortable._

None of my weapons were around. I slid the window open and flew out.

I didn't stop flying until I was at Ponyville. I quickly stripped out of my clothes and put on another set and grabbed three more as well. I stuffed the Luna clothes in the bag I grabbed as an afterthought. I flew back into Canterlot and into the window I left. Round trip, it took about an hour. I left the Luna clothes where I found them. I left that room and flew to my own room. I stuffed the bag under the bed and found all my weapons in a pile on the floor. I loaded myself up and went to find out what the dick just happened.

With that in mind, I went to the throne room. A few guards flinched when I walked by, but no one said a word. The guards standing at the throne room doors actually gaped when they saw me. Without a word one of them pushed the doors open for me.

I walked in and nodded to Luna. "Sup?"

She also gaped. "How are you up and moving?"

I shrugged. "You know. Legs. Wings. Stuff like that. How long was I out?"

"About two and a half days. Seriously, how are you up? You shouldn't be able to stand!"

"Look, I heal fast. Now what the hell happened?"

"I'll spare you the details and just get to the meat: You had about three organs left when Celestia got to you. We actually had to break the spell on Chrysalis to save you; it took all three of us to bring you back."

"Cool." I pulled a knife out. "Now where is Twilight Sparkle? I am going to mount her horn on my wall."

"Her punishment has been dealt out. She was incredibly remorseful; she honestly did not expect you to react as you did. It appears Celestia exaggerated when she discussed the effects of the poison you got at the party, and Twilight's curiosity and anger was compounded by the small taste she had of that hate poison you spit up, though Celestia only knows why she was stupid enough to drink it. It also appears as though changeling magic melds well with alicorn magic. To be up already is quite a feat."

I put the knife up. "What did I miss?"

"Honestly, nothing much. After Chrysalis helped you and did not make any attempts to flee, she has been given the run of the castle and its grounds. I do not expect her to be out much, but she has the option if she chooses. Twilight was punished." She shrugged. "Come. It is time for me to lower the moon and for Celestia to raise the sun." She led the way to their special chamber for it. It was a pretty fancy place, even though it was built around a lie; I still had yet to see any proof they _actually _controlled the sun and moon.

We got there before Celestia. "This is a bit of an honor, Nav; it isn't common that somepony gets to see us move the heavenly bodies while in the palace."

"Cool." I really wasn't that impressed. Twilight had taken me to what was called the Summer Sun Festival one year during the longest day of the summer, or something like that. Celestia jumped in the air when the sun rose. Big whoop.

But again, I'm smart enough to know that there are some things that it isn't smart to say, and my mind was back in control enough to keep my mouth shut.

When Celestia got there she took one look at me and shook her head. "Navarone, do humans know how to die?"

"We're slow learners. I'll figure it out one of these days."

She smiled. "Take your time. Shall we, Sister?"

They did a ritual. It was alright.

Luna led the way to wherever we were going next. Celestia and I walked side by side. "So Navarone, what exactly happened?"

"Twilight gave me something called polonium for my tea. She tried to give me a nerve agent next. Taya wasn't hurt, was she?"

"No, she is fine. Understandably upset, but fine. Your friends—and Chrysalis—have been worried about you."

"Chrysalis is one of my friends. You wouldn't happen to know where all of my clothes have gone, would you?"

"I'm afraid not. I don't micromanage my subjects down to the clothing they wear. I know there was one fine set of clothes laid out for you in your hospital room, though. Oh, and one ratty, moth-eaten set; I don't know who had that nasty thing put there for you."

"I see. Why was my blood amber?"

"That would be your liquefied organs," Luna merrily answered.

Celestia darted a small glare at her sister, who hadn't looked back anyway. Her gazed softened when it turned to me. "That is one belief. The other is that you are reacting further with the spell we cast upon you and turning more tree-like. We didn't really know how to te—"

She cut off at the sound of my dagger drawing. I drew another slice across my hand. After a moment, reddish-amber blood leaked up.

"So why did the mutation occur so quickly?" I asked. "Just a few hours before that I had been bleeding red blood, and it was just fine."

Celestia grimaced and healed my hand. "We _think _it is because your body had to. If it hadn't done that you would have died. Slow moving blood is probably one of the things that saved you. Innate magic like this always seeks to benefit the pony that it resides inside, unless it was specifically made as a curse. By all rights, Nav, you should be dead."

"I've heard that before. More and more, it seems. How long before everyone starts waking up? I have things to attend to."

"Navarone, please. You don't need to continue your actions with Chrysalis. From her behavior thus far, I know her mettle. I saw your first day with her, remember?"

"Yeah, but I like watching her squirm, and bringing Pinkie to her is a great way to do that."

"And you call me sadistic. I will not forbid you from talking to her, but remember that it is her fault that all of this occurred."

"Meh. Do you happen to know what Spike is doing today?"

"I believe he has a party planned. Other than that, I do not know." Awesome, I woke up in time for the party.

"So, any idea where I'm going to be living from now on? Or do I need to find a place myself?"

"You are still living with Twilight, last I heard," Celestia said.

"That crazy cunt just tried to deep six my ass."

"I didn't understand half of the words Nav just said, but she tried to kill him!" Luna said.

"No, she was trying to test something. It was my fault you almost died, Nav; I was the one that told Twilight how you survived being poisoned and I was the one that allowed her to keep the hate poison you spit up."

"I'm not even going to bother going into everything wrong with that statement because we both know it's bullshit. As long as she isn't going to go that crazy again, I can continue living with her."

"Good. I was hoping you would be reasonable about it."

"Oh, and thank you both for saving me. I'm really starting to wish I didn't end up in so many positions wherein I needed saving."

"It's a good thing you're going to be one of our knights, soon," Luna said. "Then we'll have a reason to keep saving you!"

"Yeah. Right. Celestia, the next time you see Twilight tell her that I will never under any circumstances talk about what happened and that trying to make me do it increases the chances of her horn getting mounted on my wall. I am going to do my best to pretend it never happened because if I don't I'll probably fly off the handle."

"You humans have some really strange phrases," Celestia commented offhand.

"Are you going to tell her?" I asked.

"Navarone, you two really should talk about what's bothering you both."

"What's bothering me is that she just tried to kill me. I don't know what got her panties in a twist."

"Really, _really _strange phrases…"

"Are you going to tell her or not? If you won't I'll get someone else to do it."

She sighed. "I will. After breakfast." Thankfully, we were at the door.

"I'll see you both later. I believe I have things to take care of and a daughter to find."

Luna said, "I can tell you where to find Taya." I looked at her. "If you eat with us."

"Very well. I haven't eaten in some time." I let them in first, what with them being princesses and all. They sat at opposite ends of the table. There wasn't a chair in the center, but rather two on either side leading up to both ends.

_So that's how it's gonna be._ I smiled, pulled half of the chairs out of one side and pulled the other chair to the center of the table, so I was directly between the two.

"It's just a spot at the table, Nav," Luna said with a smirk.

"Right. And I'm a fluffy pony."

"Well, your face is looking a bit fluffy," Celestia mused. "But if you're a pony, I need to get my eyes checked."

I looked to her plate. "You really like cake, don't you?"

"There's a reason she's so much bigger than everypony else, Nav," Luna slyly commented.

"Are you calling me fat?" Celestia demanded.

"I know where this is going," I said. "Cool it."

Neither of them listened. "I wouldn't say fat." Celestia nodded once. "Corpulent might fit, though."

Celestia glared down the table. I calmly reached out and grabbed something. She followed my arm to me and grinned. "Navarone. You don't think I'm fat, do you?"

I looked Celestia up and down. "I think that this is childish." She pouted. "Celestia, you're… x-thousand years old. If you are getting your feelings hurt by being called fat, there's a problem."

"He didn't say no," Luna whispered.

I bit into the banana I had grabbed with a sigh. Silence reigned at the table for a moment.

"So did you really steal 'Tia's crown?" Luna asked with a grin.

"Yep. I can only imagine the look on her face when the Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into the throne room with it."

Celestia let off a loud humph and looked to Luna. "You wouldn't think it so amusing if it had been _your _crown he stole."

Luna stuck her tongue out. "He likes _me _too much to take it."

Celestia grinned. "Or he's too afraid. I think he just trusts me enough to know _I _wouldn't hurt him for it."

I grabbed something else from the table. I think I was the only one actually eating.

"You know I would never hurt you Nav, right?" Luna sweetly asked.

I bit into a roll. I looked at her and eyed her crown as I chewed. When I swallowed, I said, "I know what you two are doing and it won't work."

As I finished off the roll, Celestia whispered, "He didn't say yes."

Silence ruled the table as I grabbed something else. The other two actually started eating. After a few minutes, Celestia said, "So. Navarone." She stopped.

Luna picked up, "Have you given any thought as to which of us you are going to swear to yet?"

I looked at Luna for a moment. I shifted my gaze to Celestia for just as long. I pushed myself back from the table. "I have eaten with you. Where is Taya?" I know they're both just fucking with me right now, but this is getting old.

Celestia looked up from her cup. "Hm? Oh, yes. She asked to stay with Chrysalis until you were better."

"And you denied her offhand, right?"

"Do I look like I have hands?"

"Wow. This is the first time I have honestly, seriously considered murdering you. I've said I was going to do it before, but holy shit."

Luna said, "Nav, Chrysalis isn't going to hurt anypony you like. You are probably the only pony here she respects. Taya requested to stay with her, so we allowed it."

"Taya is a lot smarter than anyone gives her credit for," I said. "Twilight thinks she knows how smart she is, but even I don't know how deep her mind goes. I trust her, really I do, but… wow. Still, I applaud her decision. A lot."

"And why is that, Navarone?" Celestia calmly asked.

"Because it insults everyone here," I answered, smiling. "Of every one of the people I know here, she chose to stay with the fucking evil bug thing that just tried to kill everyone. She trusts the one everyone should trust the least and snubbed the hell out of everyone else in doing it. That's something _I _would have thought to do."

"So you are saying she's learning from you," Celestia happily asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, I suppose she is." I thought back to when we were on the boat together, right after we got attacked by pirates. I remembered her devious suggestion to use herself as a shield against the unicorns. I don't think she learned that much from me that quickly. I think her mind is just fucked up.

I liked it.

"I'll be off, then," I said with a nod to the two of them.

"You never answered my question, Nav," Luna sweetly said.

I was already headed to the door. "You're right, I didn't," I said as I opened it and left. I went straight to Chrysalis's room.

Doppel answered at the first knock and let me in as soon as she saw me. I entered and sat across from Chrysalis, noting Taya napping on the other couch.

I crossed my fingers in front of me. "Are you still interested in taking over Equestria?" I asked.

Chrysalis looked at me. I wasn't smiling or frowning. I don't know what my face looked like, but it probably wasn't pleasant.

"No," she finally answered. "I believe I am content."

"Can you be convinced otherwise? I believe Equestria might need a change of management, and I am not fit to rule."

"And I am not fit to rule ponies. I have learned much in the time since we last spoke. No, Navarone. I will not help you stage a coup."

"Disappointing." Her eyes widened momentarily. I think she thought I had been joking. "I trust Taya has not been a problem."

"She is quiet. And she has had several visitors, all of whom she sent away without a word. I have had considerably fewer come by to see me. Whatever was done to Twilight Sparkle was not enough, I believe; you were on death's doorstep when Celestia and Luna conceded to allow me to aid you."

"I have been assured that she has been—or is being, I am not certain which—punished. She has had bouts with crazy in the past. I do not wish to discuss this any longer. Have you found Pinkie Pie, or does she continue to elude you?"

"I have not. I also have not looked, but I have let word get out that I would like to speak to her."

"Then allow me to try something. Don't freak out if this works." I waited for her nod. "Pinkie, you can come out now."

Pinkie stuck her head out of my shirt. "Aw Nav, how'd you know I was in here?"

I.

Don't.

Even.

Know.

The rest of her popped out of my shirt. Chrysalis actually gaped.

"Wow, you're really warm in there! No wonder you wear those clothes!" She giggled and then turned her gaze upon Chrysalis. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie!"

Chrysalis was still trying to work this out in her mind. I leaned out of my seat and gently pushed her mouth closed. She shook her head, sending her mossy hair everywhere. "Hello, Pinkamena," she finally said. "I am Queen Chrysalis."

Pinkie suddenly had Chrysalis's hoof and was shaking it very vigorously. "You can just call me Pinkie!" She suddenly gasped very loudly. "Oh oh, can I call you Chrissy?"

Chrysalis jerked her hoof back. "No, you may not."

"Pinkie, take a chill pill. You're dealing with someone as highly ranked as Celestia or Luna."

"They make pills that make you colder?" she asked me, somehow sounding even more excited. She seemed to deflate a bit as she said, "Or did you just mean ice?" She inflated again. "Because chill pill is a much cooler sounding name for ice! I think I'll start calling it that!"

"Can I talk to the sane Pinkie now? Is she in there today?"

"Nope, just me!" She turned back to Chrysalis. "So do you whistle when you fly? I bet those holes help you go really fast!"

Chrysalis looked like she was in physical pain at the moment. "You are worse than Navarone when I started messing with his mind."

"I didn't take your crown, though. What _is _that made of, anyway? It looks really neat!" Before Chrysalis could answer, though, Pinkie was gushing over her wings. "Oh, they're so cool! Can I touch them?"

Chrysalis enveloped Pinkie in a green aura and pushed her back several feet. "I would be grateful if you stayed over there," she said. "I am not used to being touched."

"Oh, so you're like Nav. He never got over that either!"

"I swear I'm going to fucking _kill _Twilight," I said.

"Oh, relax! She didn't tell me, I read it from your journals! I got bored after I finished planning the party and I was just wandering around the palace when I came across some interesting looking papers. I didn't know what they were so I just started reading!"

"I left them in Celestia's private room! What the hell were you doing in there?"

"Oh, you know." She turned back to Chrysalis. "You guys can change into anything, right? Can you do me?"

Chrysalis closed her eyes and I swear I heard her counting to ten. "Doppel, come here," she said when she opened her eyes again. Doppel hesitantly stepped forward. "Turn into Pinkamena."

"You can call me Pinkie!"

Doppel and Chrysalis looked at her for a moment. Chrysalis turned to Doppel. "Turn into Pinkamena."

"You can call me—Ooh!" Doppel turned into Pinkie, but with a darker shade of pink and straight hair.

I looked from Pinkie to Doppel and back. "Pinkie, you should totally straighten your hair. I know it's just a personal opinion, but you look better that way."

"I'll think about it," she answered. "You can do Pinkamena, but can you do Pinkie?"

Doppel looked to Chrysalis and shrugged. Suddenly, her hair poofed and she grew a few shades brighter.

Pinkie giggled for a moment before saying, "Eh, I've seen better. Can you do anypony else?"

Chrysalis scowled. "Pinkamena, we are _changelings_. We can turn into any animals."

"You can call me Pinkie!" Chrysalis looked at her. Pinkie was wearing a massive smile. "Can you turn into a—Ooh, can you do a dragon?"

Doppel turned into Kumani.

"What about a human?" Doppel turned into me. "What about… a _female _human?"

Doppel looked at me. I scratched at my beard and leaned back a bit. "If you really want, I can give you a memory. But if I ever see that form outside of this moment, I'll kill you in the most painful way I can possibly imagine."

"I can take that deal," she said, walking over to me in my own body. She held out my hand and I grasped it. I thought back and back… _I haven't seen you in too long._ Doppel shifted and I felt the hand in mine grow lighter, softer. Doppel sighed happily. "Tasty." I looked at her and saw the most beautiful woman I've ever seen standing there.

I won't describe how I felt.

"You look different from Twilight when _she _was a human," Pinkie mused, holding a hoof to her face.

"Lilith was not—" I stopped when I realized how dark my voice sounded. "Continue." I'm glad I couldn't hear my own voice, but I know Chrysalis looked pained to have heard it and Pinkie looked like I slapped her. I was trying not to look at Doppel, and I was very happy Taya was still asleep.

"Um… What about… a clown?" Pinkie was trying but it was obvious she wasn't into it anymore. Doppel shifted into a clown pony.

"Navarone, are you okay?" Chrysalis asked, some concern actually showing in her voice.

"That memory… That event. Never discuss it. Some things should never be remembered. I will leave it at that."

They all nodded, surprisingly; I wouldn't be surprised to see Pinkie bothering me about it later, but I think even she has some manner of impulse controls when it comes to that.

"Now, continue," I said, nodding to Pinkie.

Her smile and normal attitude reappeared as she turned to Chrysalis. "So when can I throw you a party?"

"When Tartarus freezes over," she answered.

Pinkie got a calculating look on her face. "I'm going to need a bunch of chill pills… Can we push it to tomorrow instead? I know everypony is busy with the wedding and all, but tomorrow should give most of them time to be there and still make the wedding with no trouble!"

Chrysalis sighed. "This is inevitable, isn't it?" she asked me.

"Aye, sadly. I was able to get out of a welcoming party, but it took more time than I would ever care to admit to manage it, and I don't even want to go over the reasoning behind it."

"You lied and told me you were allergic to parties and didn't tell me you were lying until everypony already knew you!"

"Yeah, but do you remember how long it took to convince you the allergy I had was actually deathly?" I looked at Chrysalis. "She wanted me to push through the allergy attack to have the party."

"And they called me barbaric," Chrysalis answered. "I suppose I would be wasting my time telling you that I am allergic to parties?"

"You were at the wedding," Pinkie said. "That's kinda like a party."

I looked Pinkie dead in the eyes. "Pinkie, how do you think Chrysalis started looking like that?" I said, waving my hands to her body. "I mean, holes in her hooves and wings? Do you really think that's healthy? Did she look like that before the wedding?"

"Well, now that you mention it… She did look a lot different before the wedding. And then there was that big green explosion." Pinkie gasped again. "Was that you sneezing? That's so cool!" She reached over and somehow plucked one of my feathers and tickled Chrysalis under the nose.

Chrysalis didn't move or react at all, just stared at Pinkie. After a moment of that, she turned to me. "When should I tell her that I can turn feeling on and off in my carapace?"

"Give her a few more minutes. She looks so happy."

Chrysalis turned back and looked at Pinkie disdainfully. After a moment, Pinkie pulled the feather back and gave it a funny look. She rubbed it under her nose and gave a massive sneeze that woke Taya up.

She sat up, bleary-eyed, and smiled when she saw me. Then she looked around the room really quick and saw both Chrysalis and Doppel and smiled even wider and cleared the entire carpet between her couch and my chair and landed on my lap.

"Oh, there you are Taya!" Pinkie said, watching her. "Wow, you even sleep silently!"

"Well, someone has to, the way my dad snores," she answered, making herself comfortable.

"Nav doesn't snore," Pinkie said with some confusion.

"How would you know that?" Chrysalis asked.

"Oh, I watch him sleep sometimes." Chrysalis and Doppel both blinked at that. "Anyway, your party! There isn't that much we can do in this room, but since you can go wherever you want now we could have it anywhere!"

"Wait, you watch him sleep?" Doppel asked.

"Only sometimes. Princess Celestia doesn't like it when I host parties in the throne room anymore, so it shouldn't be there. The dining hall is usually free, so we can do it there! I still have my party cannon, so it shouldn't take me long to set up."

"Pinkamena—"

"You can call me Pinkie!"

"I don't believe it is healthy to watch ponies sleep."

"Yeah, well, Nav isn't a pony. At least, not anymore. Now, about the party—"

Doppel asked, "When was he a pony?"

"Oh, it was only for a week or so. It was a lot of fun! Here, let me show you!" Pinkie grabbed Doppel with both of her front hooves and brought their heads together.

"I think that might be a bad idea," I tried saying. I was, of course, ignored.

After a moment, Doppel turned into me as a stallion. "That tasted… odd," she commented in my voice.

Chrysalis looked pony-me over with a smile. "I must say, I approve. What brought this turn of events about?" she asked me.

"Magic events most foul," I answered.

"There weren't any birds involved," Pinkie said, confused again. _Scootaloo did feature, though._ "Well, you _did _get wings, but I don't remember there being any birds in the story!"

We looked at her for a moment after her outburst. Then we turned back to look at each other and I gave a truncated version of how I ended up a pony. "The happiness I gave you a few days ago was actually from my second time as a pony, at the Gala," I said. "I had way too much fun that night…"

"And it is possible for you to assume that shape again?" Chrysalis asked.

"Yeah, but you would have to know the spell. Apparently it's hard to cast; Twilight can do it, though, so I'm sure you can as well if you knew it."

"I did not know such magic was possible for ponies," she said.

"Celestia and Luna had to do a lot of research to figure out how to reverse it," I said. "And they couldn't—or wouldn't—get rid of the wings. And it takes a lot of magic. Twilight can't turn herself into a human because of her cutie mark; the only reason I can turn back and forth is because I don't have one. The entire process is incredibly disorienting. I can't imagine the amount of time it takes you guys to learn how to get over that."

"It comes naturally for us," Chrysalis asked. "And we are always changelings on the inside; if you cut us when we are a pony we will bleed green instead of red. That spell is different; it actually changes what you are rather than what you look like."

Pinkie sighed. "I wouldn't mind being a human for a day…"

"Pinkie, it would really suck. I've been over that with you."

"I know, but you should always try everything at least once in life!"

I muttered, "Then go get cancer." She didn't hear me, which was probably good. Louder I said, "So your party is tomorrow in the dining hall. I assume Pinkie means the larger one, not any of the private ones." She got a pensive look on her face but I rushed through before she could say anything, "A time must be picked and invitations must be sent. I'm sure you can manage all of that, Pinkie."

"Already done!" she said with a smile.

"Oh, so I'm not invited?" I asked.

"Duh, check your pocket!"

I checked my pocket and nothing was there.

"Your _other _pocket, Nav."

I checked that one and pulled out an envelope. "Pinkie, this wasn't here when I sat down."

"I was in your clothes for a while, Nav. It was a lot of fun!"

It was my turn to close my eyes and count to ten. When I finished I opened the thing. When I opened the actual card, confetti blasted out and hit me in the face. That was relatively normal for a Pinkie invite, though, so it didn't faze me.

When I finished reading it I passed it to Chrysalis with an "I'm so sorry."

She raised an eyebrow and looked at the invitation. When she read it she looked back up to me. "I saved your life and this is how you repay me? You better make it up to me during the reception."

"I've already promised you that we're going to have fun then. You'll just have to take my word for it."

Pinkie said, "Oooh! You two have plans?"

"Just two old souls, drowning our sorrows and regrets together," I answered her. "I know I'm sure as hell not going to that bloody reception."

"And despite having forgiven me, Cadance requested that I not attend the wedding or the reception," Chrysalis added.

"So we decided to enjoy each other's company," I finished with a shrug.

"So you two are going on a date?" Pinkie asked, somewhat confused. "I thought you had a thing going with Princess Luna!"

"Pinkie, what have I told you about thinking? And no, it isn't so much a date as it is a meeting between the loneliest two souls on the planet. What we decide to do there…" I shrugged.

"You're not lonely, silly-filly!"

"I'm not silly."

"You have me and Taya!"

"And I'm not a girl, so filly doesn't apply."

"And all of the rest of our friends!"

"And I'm pretty sure I'm… How old _are _you, anyway?"

"And all of the rest of Equestria likes you too! I mean, they'll have to, if you're going to be a knight!"

"God, I should have hung out with you more when I was crazy. Maybe then Twilight wouldn't have tried to murder me."

"Who's God?" Pinkie asked.

"I'll tell you later. Maybe. Now, party details. Or party planning, if you've already discussed everything with Chrysalis. I'm sure she needs time to prepare, after all."

Pinkie turned to Chrysalis. "You don't need to prepare. You can just come as you are! Everypony's gonna be there to see you, after all!"

Chrysalis did not look overly amused. "This will be my… first party, I suppose. I will nee—Why are you looking at me like that?"

Pinkie looked like she was about to have a joy-gasm. "YOUR FIRST PARTY!" she finally managed to squeal in delight. "I'll make it super-extra-special!" She gasped. "I need to go do some more planning!" She dashed out the door, leaving the side-opening thing spinning on a center-axis that it didn't physically have.

I turned to Chrysalis and saw her watching the door do what shouldn't be possible. "Don't ask," I said. "No one knows how she does it and braver men than me have given up trying to understand." Well, braver ponies. I did have a theory, but I kept it to myself because I was afraid of what might happen if I voiced it.

"Why is she not in a psych ward?" Chrysalis finally asked. "I could see into her mind. She is only half there. The other half is… empty. Emptier than even your mind."

"Because a strait jacket won't hold her and trying to keep her in one place makes her angry. That's why we humor her. As far as I know she isn't actually dangerous, but then it's also really hard to make her angry."

She looked at the invitation again. "I suppose not attending the party might manage that?"

"Pinkie parties are not optional," I answered. "Bad things happen to those that do not attend parties that are being held for them."

"I see. I have done painful things in the past, but I never came to enjoy it. I suppose this shall be another thing to add to my list." She flew the invitation to a desk or something next to the wall. "I know you just woke up, but I don't suppose you have a busy day planned?"

"I do have some things I need to take care of, and I have a bachelor party I need to mediate—I'm giving them some of my reserves of alcohol and I need to make sure no one gets hurt. I don't know the time of the bachelor party yet, so I'll need to go before too long to make sure Spike didn't do something stupid like plan it in the morning. As far as I know I should be free most of tomorrow and most of the wedding day, but then no one ever tells me a damn thing until it's time for me to do it. If they can't find me they can't tell me I'm needed, though."

"You have a practical mind. It is good to have you back among the ranks of the sane," Chrysalis said. "Although I do admit, it was interesting having you in that state. It is a shame I was unable to see Celestia without her crown. And when you called her bald… I wish I had seen the look on her face."

"It was certainly unique," I said with a grin. "But I am glad to be back. It is amazing what being betrayed by another of your friends does to the mind. Though since this is her second betrayal, I suppose it didn't hurt as much. There was that one time she left me alone against hundreds of dragons."

"How many times have these ponies done this to you?"

"Counting the time they let me fall from Cloudsdale, five. Twilight with the dragons, Twilight with the poison, Rarity and Pinkie with… what they did, Rainbow Dash and Luna for Cloudsdale, and Twilight and Rainbow Dash—and now Pinkie—for reading my journals. Only three of those actually physically injured me, though. I'm done trusting these blasted ponies. I'll work with them because I have no choice, but they'll be hard-pressed to make me like it."

"You know… you could come with me, when this is all over and I am freed."

"I am too useful for Celestia to let me leave. Until I find a way to nullify magic, they can track me if I try to run. I am stuck."

"I… see. Before you depart, would you mind if I fed? I have not found any willing partners in the time you were away."

"Take want you want," I said.

She stood and gracefully walked to me. "I can take what I want? Anything I want?"

"If my brain is stratified into times, stay within two years. If it isn't, take only that which has ponies in it, no humans. I was a fool for remembering…"

Her horn glowed green and she bent down to me. I felt something leave my mind, but I don't know what. "Memories are usually so stale," she said with a sigh. "But yours seem to have a certain… bite… to them."

"That's because I never forgive and I never forget," I said as I stood, letting Taya down easily. "All the pain and all the sorrow builds and builds and stays constantly fresh. We shall speak later, at the party if not before. Come, Taya."

We left a very confused Chrysalis behind us.

As we walked down the hall to try to find a small dragon, Taya said, "You aren't mad at me, are you?"

"No. I think what you did was brilliant, even if you didn't do it for the reasons I think it's so awesome."

"I told them all you wouldn't be mad. Apparently when Rarity heard she nearly fainted. All of them but Pinkie and Twilight came by to try to convince me to go with them."

"I'm not going to say what you did was the right thing, but it was probably the best thing. I'm a terrible influence on you."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

"You are going to turn into a kickass mare when you get older, Taya. I almost feel bad for your mate, if you ever find one."

She smiled but didn't answer.

"So, if you were a dragon where would you be?"

"A cave full of treasure."

"If you were a brainwashed, ponified, baby dragon that was tied to the apron strings of a damnable unicorn, where would you be?"

"Wherever the damnable unicorn told me to be."

"That's a bad word. Don't use it when important people are around."

"What about unimportant people?"

"Well, who the fuck cares what they think? The only reason you need to be careful around Celestia is because she has the power to make me suffer. I'd kick the ass of just about anyone else that gets mad at me for being a bad influence." Especially since I already said I would be a bad parent.

"I'll remember that."

"Just don't go lying to me about someone you don't like saying anything like that. I have a pretty good bullshit detector."

"I'm pregnant." She said it so matter-of-factly that I actually stopped mid-step and stumbled a bit.

"Who's the son of a bitch?! I'll kill him!" I gripped my dagger. "Wait, that's not possible. You're too yo—Wait. How old _are _you, anyway?" Why don't I know anyone's ages here?

"You know I was lying, right?"

"Well, duh. I don't think you even know any colts. Or stallions. Whatever they're being called these days. I've just always wanted to be an angry dad ranting about some dick that stole his daughter's innocence. Since I've already corrupted your mind I'll have to settle for being an angry dad forcing a guy into a shotgun wedding because he got you preggers."

"I'll remember that too."

"Just don't go evil with it. These ponies are too useful to start killing them offhand."

"You don't seem to be selling that idea to Chrysalis very well."

"Well yeah. I need her to trust me. The more foreign leaders I have on my side the more places I have to go when I inevitably push Celestia too far."

"As long as you take me with you."

"Of course." I wouldn't want her to be used against me, after all. "Now, we really do need to find Spike."

"To the library?"

"Of course." And hope to high heaven that Twilight wasn't there.

We found Spike surrounded by a fuckload of books, drooling slightly on one that was open under his sleeping form.

"Dude, the librarian's gonna be pissed when he sees that." Spike jerked but didn't wake up. I poked him a few times. He swatted at me. I leaned down and whispered, "Rarity's here," into his ear.

He jumped up and I quickly leaned back, looking over his books. "Where is she?" he exclaimed, looking around wildly and wiping his face.

"Where's who?" I asked, looking at him. "Dude, the librarian's gonna be pissed at this mess."

"He can bring it up with you. I'm here because you asked me to be, after all. And because Twilight has been… Never mind." He looked down at the book he had been sleeping on and grimaced in distaste before shrugging and slamming it closed. "None of these books have been looked at in forever anyway. There's a lot of strange stuff out there, Nav. I mean, I found out that there are actually three orders of knights, even though everypony only ever remembers one. Or two, now that Luna is back."

"Three orders, you say?" Now that stroked my interest.

"Yeah. Solar, Lunar, and Umbral. The Solar knights swear to Celestia and the Lunar swear to Luna, but the Umbral knights swear to do whatever is best for Equestria at whatever the cost. There haven't been many of them in the past, of course. They typically work in the shadows and manipulate events from afar, but there have been a few exceptions. Oh man, now _I'm_ sounding like an egghead! What time is it? The bachelor party will get my mind on straight!"

"Eh, it's around noon or so. What more can you tell me about the Umbral knights?"

"They don't have to take orders from either Princess, and can actually countermand their orders if they think it is for the best. Which is, of course, another reason why there have been so few of them. However, while a Solar or Lunar knight can be any species, Umbral knights have to be ponies." He shrugged. "There's a lot of really interesting history involved with all of that." _Fuck. That's racist._

"So how can I go about getting unknighted?"

"Oh, that's almost impossible. You have to do something incredibly inappropriate like murder or something."

"What about breaking my armor? I've heard that would work."

He giggled. "I went against your requests and looked up a few stories about knights. Breaking your armor only works in stories." _Dammit, Rarity._ "So have you decided which kind of knight you want to be yet?"

"Fuck it, I'm siding with Luna. You find anything else interesting?"

"All kinds of things. Most of it was… really boring. But apparently any prince or princess can form their own knight order. If you really don't want to be a Solar or Lunar knight, you could probably ask Cadance if she would have you."

"And become a love knight? Fuck no. I don't suppose there's any other royal blood running around this castle? I had never heard of Cadance until a week ago, so I wouldn't be surprised if there was."

He shrugged. "They appear and disappear randomly." SOMEONE ELSE NOTICES!

"If you want to go tell Rarity that I'm going Lunar, I'll put these books up."

He jumped all over that opportunity, of course. I put all the books up—thankfully, this library had been reorganized since I got into this bloody world to the Dewey Decimal system. It didn't take that long to get them all away.

Still, that's really disappointing. I was hoping for a deus ex or something to avoid having to commit to either side. I always strive for equality, though, and I know Luna is currently on a much lower footing than her sister. Me signing up with her will bring her closer to Celestia. And it'll force her to attend the wedding. I guess I could just murder someone or something to get unknighted.

With the books put away, Taya and I went down to the kitchens. She needed food and I wanted to grab one of the booze barrels to drop it off in my room.

"Living in the palace is awesome," I said as I carried a barrel full of booze back to my room.

"Why do you say that?" Taya asked.

"All the food we could want, we have our run of the library, I don't have to do my own laundry, the shower goes hotter, and I don't have to put up with a shitload of ponies every time I turn around." Oh, there are plenty of ponies in the palace, but I didn't have to talk to any of them.

"Then why don't we live here?"

"Because the rest of this city fucking sucks. Nowadays, most of the ponies in Ponyville are either really friendly or passive about my existence. Here in Canterlot they're mostly snooty, those that aren't afraid. No one says anything to my face, but I hear whispers and I can see the glances." Snooty fuckers.

When we got to my room, I caught a princess rooting through my stuff. I whispered to Taya, "Wait here." I set the barrel down in the hall as silently as I could. I snuck up behind Celestia, who was currently rooting under my bed with her flank in the air. I grabbed her on both sides where her cutie marks were and gently tugged her back into me. "Can I help you, Celestia?" I asked. She jerked her head up from under my bed and turned to me with a red face.

"I'm just… looking for laundry?"

"I thought you didn't micromanage the clothing of those under you."

She smiled at that, some of the redness going away. "You know the only way I like you under me is when we're not worrying about clothes." I think her blush transferred to my face.

"Uh huh. Well, if you're really looking for clothes…" I walked over to the drawer with all of her livery in it. "I have a bunch I think I will no longer need." I pulled the drawer out and held it up for her.

She nodded. "Good. You are the first proper knight my little sister will have raised in… over two thousand years, I think. She would have been crushed if you chose me."

"I'm not stupid, Celestia. Even if I did have a bout with crazy. That's not to say I'm particularly smart—" I did, after all, drink _all _of the poisoned tea. "—but I know that I'm going to be living a while and I know I can, given the chance, love Luna."

"And yet here you are seducing a queen. And telling all manner of lies to her as well."

I shrugged. "Old habits die hard. You really need to plan an orgy for the four of us, though I think you'd be hard pressed to convince the other two to join." For some reason she blushed at that. I slid the drawer back in the chest because I was tired of holding it.

"Oh, are you reconsidering?"

"No, I'm just tired of holding it. Not all of us are graced with such squishy bottoms that act as convenient tables."

"You didn't seem to mind it."

"Hey, I'm a human; I like squishy. Of course, well-toned also has… advantages."_ I am so glad I left Taya in the hall._

"Hmm. I'm going to have to find a way to get Luna to share you. Your silver tongue is just so… delightful."

"Humans view sex differently than some. I have no trouble differentiating the physical from the emotional. As long as I don't have to worry about knocking anyone up, I'm good to go."

"That should never be a problem, with magic on our side."

"I'll leave the convincing up to you. It never goes well if a guy tries to do it. Or you could just casually mention one day that you know how humans view sex; that way she won't think oddly if I end up sexing half the castle."

"You do tend to go through the mares, don't you?"

"Hey, a guy's gotta have fun while he can. And since I'm pretty sure Luna is still in love with me, when the seven years ends I'll probably end up shackled to her, unless she agrees on an open relationship of sorts."

"Open means that she is free as well, you know."

"I'm okay with that, as long as she doesn't get knocked up or diseased. I don't think I'm biologically compatible with any diseases here, though, so it wouldn't matter overly much if she did."

"You know, I've got a bit of time…"

"Taya's in the hall." She sighed. "That's your fault, lass, not mine. I'm sure we can find some time to continue this, if you're really interested. Though when you have as many guards as you do, I can't imagine you really need someone like me for stuff like this."

"Navarone, you know the reasoning behind that. Now sadly, if we aren't going to be having a bit of fun, I need to depart. No pony seems to know how to do anything themselves anymore."

"You'd go crazy without doing princess things all day. If you really get bored of it, just turn into a chair again. I'll make sure to find you every day and oil you."

"I might just do that. Until later, Nav." She left, thankfully leaving my regular clothes behind. Taya trotted in, carrying the barrel with magic.

"If you could have done that, why was I toting that thing all the way here?"

"You didn't ask me to carry it."

Thankfully it wasn't a heavy barrel. "Whatevs. Well, you got anything planned today?" She shook her head. "Any ideas on what you want to do?" Another head shake. "Well, if you're interested, we could head to the library. I have some writing I could be doing and you have some magic stuff you could be doing." She shrugged. "I know it's boring, but at least you won't have Twilight breathing down your neck. Hopefully. If she is there, though, I'm just gonna keep walking."

"You really are a coward, aren't you?"

"There's a difference in being smart and being a coward. Twilight just recently tried to kill me, and I have yet to see any indication that she is in any manner of mood to not try to kill me again. Given that, I am forced to assume that she is going to try to kill me again the next time I see her."

I really need to learn to leave my door shut when I say shit like that. In walked Twilight Sparkle.

"Taya, activate cuteness!" I ran for the window before it slammed shut with an orange aura. I didn't stop and had already started jumping when an orange aura surrounded me. "You traitor!"

"How did you know it was me?" Taya asked, not dropping me.

"Duh, the aura is orange. If Twilight was doing it, the thing would be purple. Now let me go so I can continue running away!" I paused a beat. "I mean, strategically retreating."

"Navarone, unicorns don't release auras when doing magic. What are you talking about?"

"The only reason I'm still alive right now is because you want that question answered. I will hold onto the answer for dear life."

"Fine. It can wait. I believe we need to have a talk."

"I respect your opinion and I believe I understand why you hold it, but I disagree and am forced to ask you to cease."

"Then it sure is a shame your daughter is currently on my side."

"Why, Taya?"

"Because this is funny," she answered. _Sadistic, ungrateful little…_

"Nav… I really don't know what came over me. I was so mad at you and at the princess for what you both did to me… I tried studying something—anything—to get my mind off my anger. I remembered the poison in your room and I came to get it. When I saw the state of your… bed… my anger exploded. I was so mad that I couldn't even concentrate on studying the poison! I couldn't figure anything out about its composition, so I just tried… a little taste. A small drop. I don't remember much after, until I woke up in a cell. No pony even told me what I did… No pony even _knew_. They just told me… That I almost killed you." She was breaking up, now.

I hate dealing with tears.

"Twilight, have you ever heard of polonium? Or perhaps sarin?" Oh, now she was really crying. "They don't go well in tea. Or human bodies, as it turns out. Taya, let me go." I gently fell to my feet. "Come, Twilight. You have physical changes to document. Apparently most of my organs were replaced with magic, and I have new blood now." Oh great, I made it worse somehow. Now I have a crying super-powerful unicorn on my floor that just tried to kill me.

What would Batman do?

…I got nothing.

You know, I feel like I've been here before. My eyes drifted to the barrel. _If it takes that full thing to get me and Chrysalis blasted, there's a problem. Twilight should be a lightweight._ "Taya, I need a flagon. Can you—" A cup floated next to me. "Thank you." I used my knife to pop the top off the barrel and dipped the glass in there. I walked over to Twilight. "Here, Twilight. Drink a bit of this. It'll help calm you down a bit."

I had to kneel down and lift her head up a bit to get her attention. When she saw the cup in my hands she opened her mouth a bit. I took that as a sign and gave her a small sip. That turned into a large gulp when a bit of magic grabbed the glass. Before long it was empty.

Then she just sank down to the floor, letting the cup fall.

"Alright. We all know what you did was fucked up so I'm not going to mention that. We all know what I did that day was also fucked up. We all know what Celestia did was fucked up. You and I were not in our right minds at the time of our fucked-upedness. Celestia was, but we can't do shit to her. I am willing and able to pretend this never happened if you are as well." I stood and replaced the top of the barrel. "Think about it. As much as it pains me to say, we've become friends. I don't want that ruined. Besides, Celestia apparently already punished you. As long as you don't do this shit again, it's over. If you try to take me from my daughter again, I am mounting your horn on my wall as a trophy. Taya, help me get her into bed." Taya actually did all the work, picking her up and dropping her in my bed with ease. "Think about it, Twilight. Stay here as long as you need. And stay the fuck away from the rest of my booze; I have plans for it."

I stopped long enough to grab all the papers from my desk and Taya and I left a rather distraught Twilight on my bed.

"You could have handled that a lot better," she said when we were most of the way down the hall.

"I didn't see you stepping in to help. Besides, if I haven't told you before: I'm a bit of an idiot. And a bit of a sociopath. Now, I ain't got shit to do until the bachelor party… whenever it is. Assuming I'm actually invited. I guess we're going to the library." We walked in silence for a bit. "Oh, and if you see a pink alicorn, warn me. And don't trap me with magic against her; she wants to talk about icky stuff like love. There's a decent chance you can use cuteness against her, but if you do distract her long enough for me to get away you need to run as well; she'll probably want to play filly games with you."

"Noted."

Thankfully, we didn't run into her. We made it to the library just fine. We spent a few hours in there. I proofread and corrected and whatnot and she did whatever she does with magic books. I tried to read a few of those in my first year here but it was all literally gibberish to me; I can't understand a word of any of the unicorn magic books. Not for lack of trying, of course; I spent a few hours trying to translate them before I asked Spike what the fuck was wrong with those books. He can't read them either. I still secretly think all the unicorns are faking and just print nonsense to screw with everyone else, but meh.

However, you can only do stuff like that for so long before needing to move about a bit. We were there for probably four hours before moving on. Just… walking through the palace, taking a break.

And that's when we ran into Cadance. Taya and I were turning a corner and there she was on the other side. I don't know who was more surprised, but I've been in more life-or-death situations than she has so I reacted first.

"Taya, activate cuteness!"

Nothing.

"…Taya?" I looked behind me and she was running down the hall. "Man, she must really hate the idea of filly games."

"Navarone, what are you doing?" Cadance asked.

I turned to her and shrugged. "Getting ready to run from another princess. You?"

"Hunting down humans and forcing them to listen to relationship advice. You know, the usual."

"Nice, nice. Good luck with that." I turned and bolted for the nearest window.

I didn't make it.

Cadance dragged me over to her. "You know what you need, Nav?"

"More alcohol than is strictly healthy?"

"Nope. Try again."

"A sexy dragoness all over my junk?"

"Ew. Try again."

"Immunity to magic? That would have helped a lot two days ago when Twilight attempted to murder me. _Again_."

"I guess the third try isn't the charm after all. I think you need… a makeover!"

"Oh fuck no."

"I don't know… it might make you more pliable. And I know Rarity would be overjoyed to help!"

"No, Rarity is still repressing guilt from the last fucked up thing she did to me. I think she'll be on my side."

"Oh, I'm sure it can't be that bad."

"She would still be in prison if anyone knew."

"…What."

"Can you let me go? I haven't met my quota for running away from unicorns yet today."

"No really. What?"

"I'm not telling you anything, pink temptress! Release me!"

"But we still haven't had our talk!"

"Nor do I desire to. How about you go and plan your wedding night or something?"

She blushed lightly. "That's already been taken care of. And it's none of your business!"

"Yeah, whatever. If you need any tips let me know. I can teach you all about the joys of BDSM."

"What… what does that stan—You know what, I don't want to know. I want our first time to be… special."

"Yeah, well, good luck with that. Now how about you let me go?"

"Have you planned your wedding night with Luna yet? I could help you do that!"

I barked out a laugh. "Lady, it's a bit too late to cross _that _road." I loved causing that blush on her.

"There's just no hope for you, is there?"

Before I could answer, I saw her eyes look behind me and widen. I would have turned to check, but I was kind of immobilized. I heard Chrysalis say, "Am I interrupting something? Perhaps a last minute lover's tryst?"

Well, Chrysalis did a much better job at making Cadance blush than I did. I fell to the ground with a painful thud.

"We were just discussing—"

"You don't have to hide your feelings, Cadance," I said. "I'm sure Chrysalis understands; I mean, I am a pretty sexy beast."

Chrysalis caught my game quickly. "Indeed. I'm sure we could arrange a quick ménage à trois." She reached out a hoof to one of my wings and gently traced it. "I bet your Shining Armor wouldn't notice. He might even appreciate a mare that's a bit more… experienced."

Cadance gulped and took a step back. "I uh… I have… princess things to do!" She bolted back the way she came.

We burst out laughing. Well, I burst out laughing and she chuckled a few times. I picked myself to my feet. "Thanks for the save there. Crazy cunt has been trying to trap me for a week. I think the only reason she stopped when we were in those damn caves is because there was no thrill of the hunt."

"You are welcome, Navarone. And you need to thank Taya as well; she is the one that brought me here."

"Well, she sure is doing a good job of hiding; I don't see her." I didn't, either. Wait, there she was, trotting down the hall.

"I had to do a bit of speed walking to get here on time," Chrysalis said with a shrug.

"A queen exerting herself on my behalf? I'm honored." I hope the sarcasm wasn't too much.

"I believe this is the second time I have saved your life—or at least, your sanity. You definitely owe me now."

"Well given that you tried to kill me once, I think I only owe you for saving my sanity. And since you helped drive me insane there for a while, I think we might be about even."

She grinned, giving me an interesting view of her sharp teeth. "Then find another situation in which I can save you, so you owe me."

"I don't know… it seems dangerous to go around owing royalty favors. I know it hasn't done me any good here."

"Are you comparing sweet and loving Queen Chrysalis to hateful and cruel Celestia?" she asked, pretending to sound hurt.

"Hateful and cruel _who_?" we heard Celestia's voice say as she turned the corner that Cadance fled to.

"Cheese it?" I whispered to Taya. She nodded. I started to the window again before I was grabbed by three spells at once.

Celestia and Cadance had walked around the corner. Their horns were glowing. I noticed that Chrysalis's was as well. Well, this just got interesting. Taya was gone.

"Ladies, please! There's enough of me to go around."

"Ugh!" Cadance groaned. "See, Auntie! I swear, he's just totally depraved!" I noticed that her horn had stopped glowing.

Celestia looked at her for a moment before turning her gaze to me. "Navarone, do you know what I do to naughty colts?"

"I don't know, but I hope it involves chains and whips."

Cadance groaned again. "I don't know what Luna ever saw in you!" She got a very shocked look on her face, her eyes going to pinpricks as she looked at Chrysalis. Apparently she didn't know Chrysalis knew. When Chrysalis didn't react, she just groaned again. "And he _brags _about it to random mares! Auntie, do something!"

Celestia looked at me and licked her lips. "I think I know just how to drain the lust out of him," she said in a sultry voice. "It'll take… repeat performances, though." She took a step closer to me and winked at Chrysalis.

"And I would love to do my royal duty to assist you, Celestia. I think I know _just _the form to take to help, too." She turned into Cadance with a filthy grin. "Anything to improve relations between our ponies…" She, too, took a step closer.

The real Cadance was just gaping. After a moment, she gagged. "EW EW EW! AUNTIE!"

Celestia turned to her with a disappointed expression. "I'm sorry, Cadance, but you're getting married! I just can't let the _real _you assist; it would be terribly poor form. You are welcome to watch, though."

That was enough for Cadance, who ran away screaming about perversion.

Now _that _caused all three of us to just burst into laughter. When I was able to look up again, Chrysalis was back in her proper shape.

However, I was still being held by two spells.

"So, are you two going to let me go any time soon?"

Celestia looked to Chrysalis. They shared a predatory grin, though I have to admit that Chrysalis's was much scarier.

Celestia said, "I don't believe you've played with him yet, so I'll wait until you have a turn before we share him."

"So gracious!" Chrysalis said with mock surprise. Her grin grew deeper. "I'll hold you to that. The deal about sharing him, I mean." _Oh fuck they're serious._ "I don't suppose… Would sweet little Luna be interested in joining us, perhaps?" _Why am I smiling?_

Celestia said, "She seems reluctant. Perhaps when she learns that Navarone has accepted the offer to join her Lunar order, she will relent."

"I certainly hope so. What a lucky stallion he'll be, to have three royals with him." _Oh God, they're_ really _serious!_

Well, this trip to Canterlot just got a lot more fun.

"Quite," Celestia said. Her horn stopped glowing. "Do treat him well, now; I would hate for him to be unable to… stand at attention… after the wedding." With that and another wink, she turned around and walked the way she came.

"So uh… Why is she acting like that?" I asked when we couldn't hear her anymore. "I mean, she's been strange before, but never this bad."

Her smile dropped a bit. "You can't tell? Really?" I shrugged. "She's in heat." Chrysalis grinned again. "Now come along. I believe I made a promise of sorts to your princess." I was still floating, by the way. 'Come along' was more like 'passively float behind me.'

The situations I find myself in. I swear.

I mean, really. What the fuck? I'm not complaining, but hell!

(Sex is coming up. If you don't want to read it, just stop here; the chapter ends after it)

"You know, many changelings would kill to be in your position," she idly commented as I floated behind her.

"You probably won't hear any complaints out of me, Chrysalis. I'll admit, you'll probably be the weirdest thing I've fucked so far, but at this point I'm all about exoticism."

She sniffed. "Oh, am I just another species to add to your list? Is that all you see me as?"

"I don't remember saying that. While I am happy that I can add another species, I do care about you."

She swished her tail aside and turned her head around, winking at me in two different areas. For a second I thought I saw something moving in her bughood, but I dismissed that as an illusion of desire. I did, however, see holes in her labia before her tail fell back into place.

"Like what you see?" she sweetly asked.

"You just have holes everywhere, don't you?"

She giggled huskily. "And you're going to get to play with a few of them."

"A few, huh? You're a naughty queen, aren't you?"

"Let's just say I push the limits of most of my lovers to their boundaries. And then I break those boundaries. I think with you, though, I'll go gentle."

I nodded. "Yeah, I like that idea. I'm not into the freaky shit, not after what I've been through."

Thankfully, further conversation was cut off by us arriving at our destination. She continued holding me as we entered her room. "Doppel, leave. You may come back in a few hours."

She looked between me and Chrysalis a few times before biting her lower lip. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Do not make me repeat myself," Chrysalis answered, starting to sound a bit angry. Doppel sighed and left, pulling the door shut behind her. Chrysalis nodded and carried me into the bedroom, gently setting me down on the bed. "Now, remove your clothes."

I stood and did so. I stopped when I was down to just my shorts. "Before we get started… Well, I'm small compared to a pony. Normally I get turned into a pony."

She grinned and walked closer, bending me down to her level with magic and gently kissing me. Her fangs felt a bit unwelcome against my mouth, but the kiss was still nice. When she let me go, she said, "I can be anypony—or anyone—you want." She morphed into a random human woman. "Homesick?" a voice asked. She morphed into Sweetie Belle and I shivered. "Or perhaps interested in forbidden fruit?" She morphed into Cadance. "Or maybe you really are interested in our little pretty princess?"

I shook my head, taking hold of her face by her cheeks. "No, Chrysalis. If we're going to do this, I want _you_. Just, you know, a little bit smaller."

She morphed back into herself, blushing. "No one but changelings have ever… Well, not willingly. Are… are you sure you want _me_?"

"I'm here for Chrysalis, not any imitations." I pulled her in for a kiss. She was shy, now, but I slowly warmed her back up. When I pulled away, she was still blushing a little, but she looked more willing to accommodate me.

"If that's really what you want…"

I kissed her yet again. "It is." I finally let her face go and put my hands on my belt. "Before we do start, though, is there anything I need to know about your body?"

She held up a leg. "Our air holes are slightly sensitive." She fluttered her wings. "As are our wings, but not nearly as sensitive as a pony's. And… I don't know how to say this, so let me just show you." She turned around, swished her tail aside, and said, "Open my lips."

I slowly teased them open and saw… "What in God's name…" There were little appendages inside with what looked like nails at the end. In the center of the mass of writhing limbs was her green clit. I rubbed her outer lip with one hand and reached my other in there to gently poke at her clit. She let off a sigh of pleasure as the little feeler things reacted, closing weakly around my finger. "They won't hurt me, will they?" They didn't feel like they could. They looked sharp, but they were actually mostly fleshy. I imagined they were just there to make sure whoever her lover was didn't try to pull out at the last minute.

"No, of cou—Oooh!" I had leaned in a bit further. As soon as she said it was safe, I stuck my tongue out and licked her little button. She pushed back into my face as I continued lapping at her folds. I reached my fingers around to her lips and poked through holes to hold her lips back as I explored her depths with my tongue. For a creepy bug creature, she was really sweet. I imagine that had something to do with all the love or whatever I had been feeding her.

She was gently panting while I continued exploring, her feelers erratically shifting against my tongue, presumably trying to guide me. I was having too much fun making her moan on my own to give into what those little pincer things wanted. I moved a few fingers to toy with her clit as I began spelling her name into her with my tongue.

When I dotted the i on her clit, she finally screamed out and came a nasty looking viscous green fluid. I sputtered, pulling away. "W-what?" I asked, still trying to discern the taste. I smacked my lips, actually focusing.

…

_What the fuck? _It was like a green jolly rancher. I looked at her slit to see some fluids left. I lifted a hand to my chin and felt some of it there. I shrugged and stuck my face back in, finishing the job by cleaning her up. I saw that her legs were somewhat shaky when I leaned back in, so I lowered my hands to her back legs and stuck each finger in a hole, holding her up and stimulating some apparently erogenous zones.

When I finally had her cleaned up, I pulled away with a grunt of disappointment from her. "You taste a lot better than I was expecting," I commented as I let her tail flop back down.

"When… when you eat… raw love, that happens," she answered, panting. "I haven't had anypony do that to me in years!"

"Seems to me like you need better lovers." I unhitched my belt and kicked my pants aside. I grabbed her haunches and pulled her in close, grinding a bit against her. She gasped when she felt me. "You wanna do this here or on the bed?" I asked, giving her ass a nice slap for personal reasons. All it ended up doing was making my hand sting and reminding me that she was mostly in a carapace.

She giggled at my antics. "As much as I want you to take me like a peasant girl standing up, I fear my legs would give out." I shrugged and let her go. She turned to face me and looked me up and down, taking in my manly physique. "You are very scrawny. And I was expecting more hair." She shrugged. "But that is no matter." She put a hoof to my chest and pushed back, tripping me onto the bed. I caught myself with my arms, holding myself up to see her push her head in and envelope my member with her mouth.

I felt her tongue wrapping around me. And then wrapping some more. And then some more. "Wha—" I managed to get out. She opened her mouth, revealing a very long and pointed tongue pulsating around my stiff manhood. She grinned at the shock on my face, revealing how I was fit perfectly between her fangs. She lightly shook her head once, making me hit both fangs. I flinched as I barely felt their tips around my member and she chuckled before finally closing her mouth and getting back to it, thankfully keeping her teeth away.

Her tongue was considerably more skilled than Kumani's. It was also stronger, able to squeeze me perfectly and dance all up and down my member. When she slowly unwound her tongue and let her tip circle my head, I let out a sigh of pleasure. "God you're good, Chrissy," I whispered, running one of my hands through her hair as the other continued holding me up. She grunted by way of answer and wrapped her tongue around me again, drawing me in as far as she could get me.

Her tongue snaked out of her mouth and lapped at my balls, just getting them wet before pulling back in and continuing to toy with me. The hand on her head began rubbing at one of her ears. Her eyes met mine as she pulled her tongue away and gave a hard suck. I felt my eyes close and I took in a deep breath. Her tongue flicked out to continue its assault as I slowly let the breath out. _I suppose a few thousand years will teach a girl how to suck a cock._

Soon—too soon—she pulled away with a slurp. "Wouldn't want to ruin the main event," she said in a sultry tone, sensing my disappointment. Her horn lit up and she pulled me off the bed before she hopped up to where I was and lying on her back, legs stretched out. She turned me around and set me down facing her. "Buck me hard," she ordered, using magic to give me a small push to accentuate her point.

I looked over her body one last time and had a really funny thought. She saw me smirking and asked, "What's wrong?"

I poked one of the holes on her legs. "I'm just imagining filling all of these with dicks."

She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed. I felt something smack me in the back of the head. "Yeah, yeah." I stepped up to the edge of the bed and grabbed her back legs, lifting her up a little to give me a better angle. I positioned my head at her entrance. I could just barely feel the appendages inside squirming around, trying to grasp something she eagerly wanted. I grinned and began giving it to her, slowly pushing in. The fleshy pincers guided me in, crawling along my dick and giving me goose bumps.

As I slowly pushed in, I saw that she had her eyes shut. When I was finally inside—not that it was all that hard, with the size difference—she nodded and said, "Wait a moment, Nav." I stopped moving. The pincers also stopped, just holding me steady. I felt Chrysalis tighten around me. She let out a breath and asked, "How is it now?"

I began pulling out, the feelers letting me go. I pushed in again to find it the perfect fit. I nodded. "Wonderful," I answered.

"Then rut me like one of your filthy princesses." That wasn't exactly a very appealing mental image.

I smiled. I wasn't planning on 'rutting' her. I slowly began the rhythm, keeping a nice, even pace. It felt wonderful for me and I was hoping she felt the same. Each of my fingers was in a different hole on her back legs as I fucked her, so I was hoping she was feeling good. I know her feelers liked it; they were going wild down there, rubbing me in all the right ways.

She sighed. "I know you're trying to make love to me, but don't even bother faking it. I can feel your emotions, Nav. Treat me rough."

"Well fine." I dropped one of her legs and lowered my hand down to her clit, holding her somewhat on her side. I began picking up the speed, increasing both of our fun. I grinned when her massive tongue lolled out to the side, saliva gently dripping onto her bed as she panted and moaned.

It felt good to finally fuck a pony in my human body.

…Lines like that are why I'm glad this journal will never get home.

"Harder!" she moaned, breaking me from my horrifying reverie. I grinned and let her have her desire, fucking my favorite bug pony silly. I was finally starting to notice that her feelers actually _were _trying to guide me. I paused for a moment to grab her other leg and let the pincers take hold of me before picking up again.

She screamed out in pleasure when I thrust in that time. I grinned and grinded that spot, making her moan and call out something in a language I didn't understand. I began thrusting again, hitting that special spot each time and making her entire body spasm in pleasure. Her wings were trying to flutter against the bed, but succeeded in nothing but making her look cute, for an insect.

Her eyes rolled up into her head before she shut them, surrendering her body to the pleasure I was dealing.

Of course, she wasn't the only one suffering; whatever she did to make herself tighter was doing wonders for me, and as hard as she was on the outside, her insides were perfect, presumably groomed to make breeding as fast as possible.

The surprise motion of me letting one of her legs go and rubbing at her clit again was enough to send her over the edge. She mewled in pleasure and gushed out more green fluids, squeezing my manhood perfectly and getting me to cum as well, showering her insides. I let her ride her orgasm to its end before I pulled out, quickly softening in the cool air.

I shook my legs, walking around the room some while she caught her breath. "Hot white love isn't as good as the real stuff," she whispered, "but by the stars it feels good…"

I grinned. "I'm happy you approve. Want me to grab my clothes and leave to let you recover?"

She picked her head up and looked at me with those sexy green eyes. "No. I want you to get on this bed and cuddle with me until you're ready for round two."

I sighed. "Since you're the queen, I guess I have no choice…"

She smirked as I joined her on the bed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her hard and unyielding body against mine. "Happy?" I asked when we were situated.

"I'll be much happier after a few more rounds," she idly commented, snuggling against my body. I grinned.


	37. Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Five—Fear and Loathing in Canterlot

Three hours later, I was nursing a flagon of booze in a bar somewhere in Canterlot, watching Spike earn his status of bro. I decided—based on the current events—that Shining Armor was going to get fucking tanked at this party.

Which is why he was currently doing flaming shots, courtesy of Spike. All of the other guests were cheering him on as he finished off his tenth. And for a pony, a shot is a glass about the size it would take to get me to get drunk.

Oh yeah. This shit was strong. Really strong.

The only thing we were missing was strippers. I tried to get Doppel to come with me, but she refused.

"For the last time, I ain't tellin' you how to make this shit," I told the bartender. Ever since he found out what alcohol did and who made it, he had been trying to get the recipe. "Bugger off and find some salt or something."

"I'm tellin' ya! I know a guy that could get us _anything _we need! All the bits you could ever want. All the mares you could buck. All I need's a recipe!"

"I ain't attracted to mares, bro." He blinked and opened his mouth. "And I ain't attracted to stallions, either. You are not getting this fucking recipe. Bugger off and enjoy what little of it there is before it's gone from this world forever."

There was suddenly a white foreleg around my shoulder. "Relax, Nav!" Shining Armor slurred. He looked at the bartender. "Back off, barkeep, or I'll have you in chains!" He giggled. "Only if you break the law, though. Gotta keep up appearances, after all!"

"Jesus. You're going to have a killer headache when you wake up, bro."

"Yeah, well, I don't wake up until tomorrow! I can deal with it then." He turned drunken eyes to the barkeep. "You got any salt?"

"No, Shining Armor," I said. "We're not mixing drugs. You're going to be dehydrated enough with the booze; you don't need to add salt."

"Hey! This is _my _bar!" the bartender said. "You can't stop me from serving my customers, even if you are a big winged freak."

"I know what you're trying to do. But you can't threaten to press charges if you're dead."

He walked away very quickly after that.

"Buckin'… jerk," Shining Armor slurred. "Hey, do we got any more of that… booze, I think you called it?" I gave him my flagon; I know my limits, and I had no intentions of getting anywhere near them. "You're a true friend, Nav. It's a shame you live so far away. You ever get tired of living with my boring sis, you look me up and I'll fix you up right and proper in the guard."

"The guard ain't my style. I don't arrest people, I kill them."

He laughed at that like it was a joke. "That sure would save us all a lot of time," he finally said when he was able to talk again. "You're a trip, Nav. I'll talk to you later, though—I gotta go… party." He wandered back off into the main party.

Spike came up with a small flagon and joined me at the bar. "Well?" he asked.

"You did great, bro. I can honestly say I'm shocked. And if you get drunk, you're staying in my room; I'll not have you give this away to Twilight by waking up with a splitting headache." Though, come to think of it, Twilight might actually still be in my bed; I hadn't been back to my room since I left her there.

"That'd be awesome. I miss those days when it was just you and me." He took a long draught and belched up a massive flame. Oh yeah. Alcohol is flammable. Heheh.

There was some applause from the drunken guys at the display and Spike raised an arm to acknowledge it. He finished the glass off and gave another massive belch, burning the mustache off one of the guys, who burst out laughing.

"Oh man, Celestia's gonna love that message!" Spike cackled. I couldn't help a smile. I had a feeling she was going to be getting some weird shit in the coming hours. When the laughter died down, Spike turned to me, "So why aren't you drinking, Nav?"

"I'm the designated…" I waved a hand. "Whatever. Gotta make sure nothing goes wrong."

"Psh. Sounds boring. I know you love drinking back home, so why not here?"

"I only drink occasionally, when I don't feel like thinking anymore. And I rarely get drunk. The difference is that here there are unaccustomed drinkers, so someone that knows what to look out for needs to be watching."

"Fine, fine. Have fun with that. Imma go back to the party. You know you're welcome to join us."

I waved him on, leaning back on the bar and watching.

"Hey freak, wings off the bar."

Fucking asshole barkeep. I stretched them out to both sides of me. I know Spike and Shining Armor had been on one side, but I hadn't been paying attention to the other side.

"I've heard you're friendly, human, but I didn't know the rumors were this true!" Never heard that voice before.

I ripped my wing back from the mare I was enveloping and saw that it was the DJ from the Maris party. "Oh hey, it's you! Lass, that concert at Maris was badass. What're you doing in a shithole like Canterlot?"

She raised an eyebrow above her large purple glasses. "Killing time before the buckin' royal wedding so I can play my set and get out of this place and back to Manehattan. I remember seeing you at Maris, dancing with 'Tavia and the dragon. What're you doing here?"

"Same thing you are, but with Ponyville as my destination. It's amazing what kind of shit you have to go through when you work for the princesses, you know?" She smiled. "I help stop one little changeling invasion and suddenly I'm a big hero. I don't reckon it helped that I was the liberator of Egypt and I won that tournament thing back in Paris. Either way, I gotta wait here until I can get knighted at the wedding."

"Poor bucker. I'd hate that kind of responsibility. You should totally appeal to Luna for help; she's an awesome party girl at heart, I know she'd bail you out."

"It's partially her fault I'm in this mess. Never accidentally seduce a princess." I waved a hand. "Enough of that mess. Go over there and grab a few flagons of that apple stuff. Drown your sorrows." She didn't move but I saw her horn glowing. Two flagons moved our way.

"What is this stuff? I know it's having all kinds of effects on those guys, but I've never heard of a liquid doing that stuff to ponies before."

"Alcohol." We reached out for the mugs. They were all designed to be held by hooves, however the fuck that worked. "It has similar effects as salt, but at the same time it's totally different. You're a lot smaller than those guys, so it shouldn't take you too much to get drunk. I had a friend named Rainbow Dash drink three buckets of it and get so shitfaced she couldn't walk."

"Hahah, you know Rainbow Dash?" She took a hesitant sip at it before smiling and downing half the flagon in a gulp. I nodded. "Now that mare knows how to have a good time."

"Aye, she's always fun to chill with. If you're interested in talking with her again, she's in the palace and will be at the reception."

"I'll have to lo—Whoa! This stuff is kicking in now!" She shook her head quickly and giggled. "You gotta get me some more of this stuff." I passed her my flagon and she started working on it. "Not exactly what I meant, but I'll take it for now. I can totally see the use for this stuff at parties!"

I shrugged. "I can get you the recipe."

The bartender was suddenly at my shoulder. "Hey!"

"Hi, how you doing?" I said, not turning.

"Sup, nice to meet you," the DJ added.

"You're starting to piss me off, freak!"

"What, disappointed that he can draw and keep a crowd better than you can?" the DJ asked.

"Only because he's so ugly! I'm surprised the princess hasn't had him locked away just so we don't have to see him."

"I don't know about ugly. I happen to think he's kinda cute." I noticed that she had turned around to face the barkeep.

"Oh, you think so? I don't guess you'd mind proving that, then?" he asked in a flippant tone.

I smiled, knowing where this was going. I flipped around on my stool, wrapped an arm and a wing around the mare, pulled her close, and we made out right in front of the barkeep's sputtering face.

After a full minute, we pulled away from each other. She grinned at him. "Any more and I think the officers behind us will have to arrest us for indecency."

The bartender was very, very red faced. He stormed off without a word. We turned back around, trying to hold in laughs.

"Not many girls I know would actually do that," I said. "You definitely just made it on my bro list." I held up my fist and she met it with her hoof.

"Not many stallions I know would be able to keep up with that. And most of them would be wanting more."

"You're cute, I'll give you that. But I just had my brains fucked out by the changeling queen, so I think I'm good for now. Besides, you never even told me your name."

"Vinyl. Vinyl Scratch."

"Navarone." We bro-fisted again.

"So… the changeling queen?"

"Dude, I'm not gonna lie: I've done some crazy shit. I've slept with some kickass chicks. But that one rocked my world and I'm not ashamed to admit it."

She grinned. "You're gonna have to tell me more about that, Nav." She pulled another flagon over and sipped at it as I told the sordid tale.

"Oh buck… Maybe we should have let her take over! At least then things would be a lot more fun around here!"

I grinned. "I'm not so certain about that. Rumor around the palace is that a certain large white mare is in heat. I know she certainly is acting a bit strange. Ain't no telling what's gonna happen come the wedding, when all the mares and stallions have to get together and she's standing at the front, staring them all in the eyes." Scratch giggled at the idea. "I know I've certainly been walking on tiptoes around that place. Chrysalis ain't the only one with exotic tastes, I've heard."

"Sounds to me like you'd enjoy it more than anything."

"Whoa now, us guys need a bit of time to recharge. And I've been getting drained a lot lately. Nearly every night at the Maris party and twice in the three or so days I've been on the surface back here. You girls have it easy."

"Oh man, that reminds me of a great story! You're gonna love this!" She proceeded to tell me several very dirty stories that I won't reprint here because frankly, I'd blush every time I read through them and if Spike ever read this I would never hear the end of it.

Then again, given some of what I've written in the past… Nah, these are someone else's stories. I won't write them. But if you ever find me in a bar one night and we get through all the other tales… I will make your ears turn bright red from this mare's stories.

When she finished her tales and was eagle-eyeing more booze, Shining Armor came up. "Hey Nav, you gonna introduce us to your marefriend there?"

"Scratch, Shining Armor. Royal guard captain, DJ extraordinaire."

"Oh, you're the poor bastard getting married," Scratch said. "So sorry, dude. At least you got a kickass party out of it."

"And I'm expecting one Tartarus of a wedding night," he said with a grin. "Nav here gave me a bit of advice, and it seems everypony else here had a bit to chime in as well."

Scratch scoffed. "Advice from stallions ain't worth a bit on the wedding night. Save their advice for when she's pushed out a few foals and is looser than Nav's morals." I smiled at that and SA laughed even though he had no idea what she meant. "Her first time needs to be romantic and gentle. Don't want to hurt the poor mare."

"Ah, that _is _what Nav told me, though. The rest of their advice… not so much. He even suggested I massage her wings!" He laughed again. Good God he was drunk.

"Oh ho! So Nav really _does _know how to treat a mare." Scratch grabbed one of my wings and pulled it down. "Here, let me show you every place you need to know on a wing to get a pegasus super-hot and bothered."

He snickered. "Hold on, Scratch. Hey guys, gather round! Nav here's participating in an anatomy lesson!" The entire bar pressed around to watch me get molested.

I was having too much fun to care. The fun quickly increased when she started pointing out pressure points and demonstrating how they worked. This chick knew more than Kat, somehow, and she made sure to demonstrate it all. She left me very hot and very bothered.

When she finished, one of the random guys in the crowd called out, "You just gonna leave that poor stallion hangin'? Lookit him!"

She lifted up her large purple glasses to look at me with some amazing red eyes. She looked me up and down before grinning and letting the glasses fall. "Whaddaya say, Nav? You interested in a humble mare like myself? I know a nice little alley less than a minute away."

I had her hoof in my hand and we were out the door before the cheers were even close to abating.

(Sex is coming. If you don't want to read it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

She wasted no time leading me down a relatively dark alley. I have to admit, the place was pretty nice for a back alley next to a bar and where quickies are occasionally common enough that Vinyl knew where it was. It was much better than the alleys in Catro, that's for sure.

She raised her fore hooves up to my belt, jerking at it. "How do you get this thing off?" she asked after a moment of work.

I reached down and undid it for her. "Simple as that," I said. She pulled them down and eyed me with a raised eyebrow.

"Huh."

"I usually get turned into a pony for anything sexual. I don't want to talk about it."

"Well, I wasn't planning on being out here long anyway." _Ouch, my feelings._

"Then I guess there's no reason to hold back. But don't think I'm going to let you get away without some service."

"You're going first." She didn't give me time to respond—not that I would, really. She wrapped her tongue around my member and pulled it into her mouth. Before I could even move she used her leverage to push me back against the alley wall, making sure I couldn't move anywhere. The only bad part about this is that her horn was dangerously close to my belly.

I put one of my hands on the top of her head, in case I needed to control her. I let my other hand gently rub at one of her ears. She seemed to appreciate that; she took all of me in and let out a low moan, the vibrations in her mouth causing me to shudder in pleasure.

I felt her tongue start to dance across my dick as she slowly bobbed up and down. I didn't need that hand there to help control her. She was a master at her craft, and despite whatever that said about her character I wasn't going to complain.

She wasn't letting me get used to whatever she was trying, either. Every time I started feeling myself getting into the groove, she'd subtly change the motions of her tongue and the speed she was bobbing, constantly increasing the pleasure. At the three minute mark I was grateful that all my physical sensations were deadened. Anything to prolong what I was feeling was good in my books.

At the five minute mark I was squeezing my eyes shut trying to stop from cumming. She started speeding up, working her best to get me to blow my load as fast as possible. She started paying special attention to my head, circling it with her tongue. Her efforts were rewarded as, two minutes later, I felt myself twitch and finally hit sweet release. I sighed as I unloaded into her mouth. I couldn't help a grin as I heard her noisily swallow.

She pulled away from me with a small smile. "I gotta say, you definitely have endurance. Most stallions give in after three minutes."

"Yeah, well I ain't no stallion. Now, your turn," I said with a predatory grin.

She waved a hoof. "That's not ne—" I caught her hoof mid-wave. She stopped what she was saying, which was good because I wouldn't want her to have bitten her tongue when I flipped her onto her back. She shook her head, dazed. "How did you do that?"

"Just a trick I learned. Now lay back and enjoy yourself." I looked up at her face. "Oh, and take those off." With a glow of her horn, they settled on the ground next to her. I took a second to pull my pants up so I would have some kind of defense if a guard caught us.

That done, I knelt down in front of her. I first put a hand on her belly, gently rubbing it. "Oh come on, Nav. I don't want to be here all night."

"Fine." I moved that hand lower, brushing against her sweet honeypot. I started rubbing at it, waiting for her clit to come out to play. She was already pretty wet, thankfully. I slipped a finger inside, slowly twisting it around. She let out a light sigh. I set my thumb on her little nub, smiling at her gasp. I started rubbing the clit as I inserted two more fingers, curling them around and playing with her insides.

"Oh Cel-Celestia," she whispered. "Why can't p-ponies ha—ooh—have fingers?" A quick mental image flashed in my head of a pony having fingers extending from its hooves. I shivered and continued working on Vinyl. I gently traced my name inside of her. She finally let out a loud moan when I got to the o.

I grinned and pulled my fingers away. Before she could complain, I grabbed her back legs and pulled her up onto my lap, putting me between her legs.. I leaned my head down and took a good lick at her snatch. _Is that… coconut? What the fuck?_ I'm not much a fan of coconut, but that just gave me an incentive to finish this faster.

I took her clit in my mouth and sucked on it, getting her to let out another real moan. After a minute of gently suckling at her, I pulled away from that and finally started eating her out proper. I spelled her name into her and felt her legs start to clench at my head. I started shaking my head slightly as I spelled more words into her so my nose would rub against her little clit.

My efforts didn't go unnoticed. Her legs kicked straight out and a small bit of fluid shot out at me. I caught it all and let it sink down my throat, ignoring the taste. I did my best to clean her up as the climax wracked her body. When her after throes were finished, I pulled away from her and let her haunches back on the ground.

She sighed happily. "It feels like bedtime now," she whispered.

"No, now it's time to go back into the bar." I slowly pulled myself to my feet and her red eyes watched me rise. "You shouldn't keep those hidden away." Her blush deepened. "This was certainly fun. You good to walk?"

"Yeah. Yeah, just give me a moment." Her face was still blushed and her eyes were somewhat unfocused. She closed them for a moment and started taking in deep breaths. A minute later she flopped over and got to her feet. She shook each hoof and rolled her shoulders. Her horn glowed and the goggles returned to her face. "Alright then, shall we?"

(Sex is over)

And we were back in twenty minutes later, both feeling immensely better. "Recharge time, huh?" she smugly said as we found our seats at the bar.

"I'm part tree; I heal fast."

"Don't know about healing quickly, but I know you can get hard enough to be a tree!" She said that loudly enough that the entire bar heard it. Many laughs were had and another flagon was shoved in both of our hands. Well, my hands and her hooves. I actually downed a bit of this one before passing it on.

"You don't like your own creation?" she asked as she downed the remnants of my flagon.

"I know my limits. I'm a bit lighter than ponies, and I don't want to get drunk. Someone needs to make sure these bloody drunks don't do anything they'll regret."

"Like enjoying watching a stallion get molested in front of them?"

"Well, since that stallion was me I don't care if _they _regret it. I had fun, so who cares what they do? Besides, as much as most of them have been drinking, they won't remember much about this party."

"Oh, this stuff erases memories too?"

"Nah, but if you drink enough you blackout and you lose some control over yourself. It lowers inhibitions and several other things. And it dehydrates you, so when you go to sleep drunk you'll wake up with a massive headache unless you drink a lot of water. And as always you can drink too much and hurt yourself or even kill yourself."

"Good to know. You still need to get me the recipe."

"You know what, if you can keep me supplied with this shit I will. Just don't give anyone else the recipe. I don't care what kind of bits you're offered. And be careful, because it's flammable. That country hick that made this for me built a still and the damn thing blew up when she did something wrong."

"I'll keep that in mind. If you're going to be at the wedding, just give me the recipe at the reception."

"I would, but I'm not going to be there. I got plans. I do, however, happen to have paper on me right now." Like I said, I haven't returned to my room since I left Twilight; I still had all my paper and whatnot stored on me. And ink. A quill, though… "Can you pull out a feather for me?" I felt a twinge as a loose one fell out and floated up to me. I spun around and pulled out my supplies and made a quick list and some instructions for her. "You need any more info, I live in Ponyville. If I'm not there, look up a place called Sweet Apple Acres and talk to Applejack. Tell her… Well, convince her somehow."

"I might stop by. Celestia only knows this lifestyle gets old sometimes; a quiet place like that might be nice to visit for a short time, and it would be good to see Dashie and Pinkie again."

"Ponyville's always a welcoming place. As long as you aren't too different, at least; took them a few years to get used to me. Though I still think the reason they started treating me like a person was because a unicorn tried to kill me in town square and Celestia told him to knock that shit off."

"Psh, you had to get bailed out? That's weak, bro."

"Oh no, I was going to kill that sumbitch. Celestia saved him, not me. She just didn't want everyone there scared of me." I giggled. "And then someone kicked his ass for threatening me, which really helped."

She smiled. "Sounds like a fine place, alright. They probably wouldn't much care for my kind of lifestyle, and I know I'd be shunned a bit for my eyes, but it does sound nice."

"First, I've been to a rave party there that, while not as awesome as the one you threw, was still pretty badass. And second, your eyes are too beautiful to be shunned for. Why you wear those glasses is beyond me." I was still watching the party going down so it took me a while to notice that she was completely silent. I turned to look at her to find that she had pulled her glasses up and was staring at me. "What?"

"Do you mean that?" She sounded odd, for some reason. Maybe the alcohol was kicking in more now.

"Yeah." I did, too. "Why?"

"I've never had anypony tell me that before, is all. Most of them are afraid of me when they realize what my eyes look like."

"Well, more fool them. I quite enjoyed it when you tried to eat me. If you're evil, you missed a good opportunity to kill me."

She grinned at that. "No. There are just… bad legends about red eyes. They're uncommon enough for ponies, and most of us that have them are shunned a bit. You're one of the few ponies I've met that have seen them."

"There's the thing: I'm not a pony. And you forgot that I just fucked the changeling queen; I've seen some shit. I know better than to fear legends, and to respect beauty where I can find it."

"And here I thought you said you weren't attracted to mares. If I didn't know any better—and if it wasn't already too late—I'd say you were trying to get between my legs."

"I'm not sexually attracted to you, but I recognize beauty when I see it. And I've had sex with enough mares that I know how good you can make me feel. And how good I can make you feel." I shrugged. "It's a mutually beneficial arrangement. They agree to overlook their revulsion for me and I do the same."

"Hmph. You really know how to make a mare feel great about herself, don't you?" She didn't sound that amused.

"Hey, I'm sorry. I'm a product of where I come from. Having sex outside your species was highly frowned upon. If I did any of this back home, I would be arrested."

"Sounds like a terrible place." _You don't know the half of it._ "It's a good thing you made it here, then; I know you got some hot lovin' from that dragon at the party. I'm sure a stud like you doesn't sleep alone often."

I grinned. "I don't sleep. At least, not in spring and summer. I can keep going all night, if you know what I mean." Unless I get nearly murdered, of course.

"You sure didn't take your time out there." By her tone I knew she was joking, but that still twinged.

"I've already had my fun today, and I figured you'd want to get back to the party. I made sure we both had a nice release; nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"I, for one, prefer long nights of passion. But that don't mean I object to little quickies every now and then."

"I'll keep that in mind. Damn shame I can't find you after the reception; I'm going to be busy getting trashed with a queen."

"…trashed?"

"Drunk. I'll be drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I gotta drive the pain of the knighting ceremony out somehow. I'm hoping I'll do something stupid enough to be the knight with the shortest—and most shameful—record in Equestrian history."

"I can drink to that. Where _is _the rest of this stuff, anyway?"

I looked around. There appeared to be no more alcohol left. "The rest of it is sitting in a single barrel in my room, saved for my after-party. Other than that single barrel, I probably have about another barrel's worth stashed back home. Until you start making more, that's all of the booze on this entire planet."

"Shame you're saving what you got, then. I'll send a few barrels of the stuff your way whenever I start making it. I know I certainly feel funny, and everything looks weird, too."

"That's because you haven't put your glasses back on. You've been flashing your pretty eyes ever since we had that conversation." Her face nearly matched her eyes when I said that, and her glasses quickly fell back down from their perch on her horn. "Meh, our loss. By the way, you don't mind if I do wrap my wing around you, do you? The asshole barkeep won't let me keep them on the bar and they don't bend well enough to keep them around myself."

She waved a hoof and found herself enveloped by a large wing; it was nice, being able to put it on something solid. The other one was just sort of hanging there.

"So where do you see yourself ending up tonight, Nav?" she asked me.

"If you're asking if I'm interested in a prolonged night of passion, I'm afraid I'll have to decline. I would love it, but there are enough mares in the palace clamoring for me right now. Or did you have something else in mind?"

"I did, actually. I know a place where a _real _party is going on. This is fun and all, but it's kinda tame compared to what I'm used to, even with the alcohol. It's probably already in progress, but these kinds of parties are best to just walk into anyway."

"Will they let me in? I've seen some of the looks I inspire from these asshole Canterlot snobs."

"I'm not gonna lie, Nav: A lot of them have seen you and totally want to jump your bones. Both the mares and the stallions. It's not an obsession or anything, but these are the _party _ponies of Canterlot, not the stuck up snobs, and you are definitely exotic. I'm actually here because I heard a few whispers you'd be here. None of them will try anything if you don't want it, but I'd know they'll all love you there."

"You're sure none of them will try anything? I've been the unwilling recipient of some very painful stuff in the past, and I do not enjoy it."

"I'm certain. You're in Canterlot, not Appaloosa. Ponies here are more circumspect. You'll be fine. And if anypony starts making trouble, well, I can see a bunch of weapons on you just by looking at you and I'm sure you have more hidden. I bet you can take care of yourself before the bouncers can even get through the partiers."

"True enough. Now, this next question is going to sound odd and if I piss you off I'm sorry. But have you ever broken in a virgin?"

She giggled. "I have. But I'm not taking the groom; even _I _have some standards."

"Nah, the groom ain't the one on my mind; if I got him laid tonight he'd be pissed at me. I'm talking about the dragon over there."

"Hm… He's cute, I'll give you that. But… it's an odd request. Tell you what: You come with me and get him to come along and I'll think about it—if he wants it, of course. It won't be like what you and I did, though. And he better not be clingy."

I waved that away. "I'll take care of it. Yo Spike!" He looked up and I waved him over. "Bro, you think this party still needs the three of us? I've heard word of a kickass party going on elsewhere around now, and you and I are invited."

"I dunno, Nav. I'm supposed to be the one running the bachelor party. I'm not certain I should just up and leave…"

"Trust me Spike. Right now, they don't need any controlling. Most of these guys are so straight-laced and shit-faced they'll be out like a light in a few minutes with as much of this stuff as they all drank. The only thing they'll be needing soon is a bed and some water. Just find a place for Shining Armor to stay, because if he ends up anywhere near Cadance tonight bad things are gonna happen—and all the fallback is gonna hit me. You got a minute to decide."

He looked around him for a moment before turning back to me. "I'll need a few minutes to make arrangements. I gotta find a place for SA to stay tonight."

"No mares. Send him home with a bachelor."

"He could come with us," Scratch said. "Not certain any of these ponies would notice him missing."

"No, I've seen that episode." They both looked confused at that. "We're sending him home before we fuck up. Trust me."

They both shrugged. "Don't leave without me, Nav," Spike said. He darted back to the group, wobbling slightly.

"You sure about this, Nav?"

"He's about as tall as some ponies now. I think it's about time. I have no idea how old he is in dragon years, but I think it'll do him some good."

"If you're sure. Where we're going, getting laid won't be a problem. If I don't decide to do it, I don't think you'll have a problem."

As it turned out, if I had known how right she was about that, I would have pulled Spike kicking and screaming from the bachelor party and booked it straight to the party we were about to go to.

Coincidentally, those are the last clear memories I have of that night. I still have hazy recollections of Vinyl getting handed a few drinks by the bartender and passing the drinks straight to me and Spike. I know they weren't drugged on the way to us, because we both downed them as soon as we got them. I figured, you know, the bartender of the party Vinyl took us to wouldn't do anything to us.

Most of my other memories that night are dancing—which I don't do at parties like that—and laughing. I don't remember any of the fun parts.

I woke up in a giant pile of sleeping ponies. There were both mares and stallions.

My entire body ached. My entire body was sticky. I didn't have any clothes but I did have all of my weapons and all of my ammo. I don't know how they got my pants off while leaving my belt on and I don't know why. I found my clothes under a form I recognized as Lyra Heartstrings. I rolled her over and slipped everything on, shuddering at how they felt against my sticky skin.

I found Spike surrounded by mares. I gently grabbed him and threw him over a shoulder as I tip-toed to a door that I was hoping was an exit. As I sit writing this right now, I still don't know what exactly happened, other than I ended up drugged and that I woke up sticky and naked and sore.

When I got to the exit, I took one look back and couldn't help a small whistle. There had to be at least thirty mares and ten stallions in that room. Whatever Spike was, I don't think he was a virgin anymore. I adjusted his weight on my shoulder with a small chuckle and pushed the door open to the bright new day, beginning the long walk of shame back to the palace. Walk, because my wings were too sticky to fly right. While most of me was actually sticky, they appeared to be covered in something I didn't like thinking about much.

I am very, very happy I don't know what happened that night.

I got several odd looks on the way back to the palace. My dead eyes, bedraggled appearance, stench of shame and fluids, and the fact that I was a human and carrying a dragon did quite a bit.

Halfway to the palace, I saw a group of little old mares staring at me from a little tea place. I stopped in the middle of the street to stare back. After a moment, I walked up to them. "What?" I asked, adjusting Spike again.

One of them grinned. "You remind me of meself when I was younger. You look like you need a bit of somethin' in ya, boy. Interested in breakfast?" The others all looked a bit shocked at that.

I looked at their table. Three old ladies, five seats. "I wouldn't say no to a bit of tea. As long as it isn't drugged or poisoned. I can't stay to chat long, though; I need a shower and a serious painkiller."

The old lady that spoke up waved to a pair of seats that were right next to each other. I slid Spike down in one of them. She pushed a teacup forward. I reached out to the teapot and poured, the pot shaking slightly in my grasp.

"I'd offer to tell you about my night, but I don't remember a thing. Any good gossip floating around Canterlot?" I asked them.

They all grinned and tittered. One of the two that hadn't spoken said, "We've heard rumors of a horrid monster falling in love with another horrid monster in the palace. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"If what you're asking is if I'm one of those horrid monsters, I can tell you that yes, I am. The other one isn't a monster, though. She's just the queen of the changelings. And it isn't so much love as it is lust. Ain't nothing wrong with a bit of a horizontal tango, is there?" I picked up the tea and sipped as the old ladies cackled.

"Ain't never heard it called that before!" one of them said. "There's also talk of that sexy princeling getting hurt. From what I've heard, he ain't so sexy anymore."

I waved a hand. "He got poisoned. Last I heard he wasn't doing so good, and his coat had lost much of its shine. I don't think he'll ever look the same, with what the poison did to him. No great loss; that guy was a dick."

"Bet he had a nice one of them, too," one of the old ladies muttered into her cup, causing me to smile and the other two to burst out laughing again.

"Word is the pretty pink princess had her wedding ruined by that same horrid monster. The other horrid monster apparently helped save her life."

"That's partially true. The changeling queen did ruin the wedding, but it got postponed until… shit, what's today?" I shrugged when they told me. "Wedding's tomorrow. I saved Celestia's hide, not Cadance's." I snorted. "Fuck Cadance, that bitch is crazy. Celestia's pretty awesome, though."

They all smiled knowingly. One of them whispered, "She's in heat, too." They all giggled. I wonder how that got around. Maybe all the ponies just know or something.

I drained half of the rest of the cup. "Anything else?"

"There was a large shadow on the shield a few days ago," one of them said. "No pony seems to know what it was, but everypony was afraid."

"Oh. Don't worry about that; it's been taken care of. We sent the changelings packing when we captured their queen."

"You captured her—or she captured you?" one of them muttered.

I grinned and finished off the cup. "Thanks for the conversation and the tea, ladies. I need to get back to the palace." They all nodded and said farewells. I slung Spike back over my shoulder and made it to the palace with no further interruptions.

I couldn't actually make it to my room without catching the eye of absolutely everyone I passed, though. I really should have thought that through before I walked in looking—and smelling—like I probably did. Ponies have much stronger noses than I do. I expected word to be around the palace in minutes that I walked in smelling like a bordello.

Meh.

I was worried more about Spike than me, honestly. If it got back to Rarity that he had been involved in something like that, it would probably kill his chances with her. But I'm a pretty good liar, so it shouldn't take much to convince everyone of a less nasty version of events than what I think went down. Getting Spike to agree to tell my version would be the hard part.

Of course, we had to actually get to my room first; I was in desperate need of a shower, and he was in desperate need of a bed that didn't have a pony anywhere near it. I was doing pretty good until… "Navarone, why do you smell like salty coins and milk?"

"Slip-n-slide accident, Cadance," I answered, not stopping. "Now, if you don't mind, I need a shower and Spike needs a bed."

Unfortunately, she wasn't alone. And they followed me. "That's not salty coins _or _milk, princess!" Pinkie said. "It's—"

"None of her business," I broke in. "And given that I don't remember exactly what happened last night, I'm going to go ahead and say that it was caused by a slip-n-slide accident. It isn't a lie because I don't know the truth."

"Psh, that's easy, Nav! I was at that party! You—"

"Pinkie, I really don't want to know. When I woke up there were stallions in the pile too."

"Well, I do want to know," Cadance said. "What has our depraved friend been up to, Pinkie?"

"Well, if he doesn't want anypony to know…"

"Damn right I don't. I also don't want another misguided lesson on love. Right now all I want is a painkiller and a shower."

"You do know you missed the practice wedding, right? You and Spike were both supposed to be there!"

"Cadance, I broke into a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean, freed the slaves on it, and took the ship over. I'm sure I can figure out a fucking wedding. And Spike's already been there, once for the practice and once for the almost real thing."

They both scoffed. "Nav, fighting is nothing like a wedding! Do you know how hard planning that is?"

"I didn't do any planning. I just went with the flow of things. Why bother making a plan if you're just going to convince yourself it's stupid and break off?"

"The _wedding_, Nav. We've been planning it for ages! I'll not have you ruin it just so you can… go _slip-n-sliding_, whatever that is."

"So you're saying that planning a wedding is harder than killing and surviving on an enclosed battlefield where getting caught or seen means death?" She looked a bit less sure of herself. "Because if that's what you're saying, I think I'd rather swap jobs. I'll give you the knives and let you go flying over enemy forts to open the gates to let the cavalry in."

"Well—"

"Or getting captured by natives and being forced—"

"Navarone!" It was Pinkie, that time. I stopped talking. "I know what you're doing, and it won't make you feel any better. Making Cadance cry won't take back anything that's been done to you. Tomorrow's her wedding. Give her that."

I sighed. "Stay sane, Pinkie. You keep me from doing things I shouldn't. Go, Cadance. You're too easy of a target and I'm in no mood for this."

Cadance huffed. "I'll go, if you can tell me where Shining Armor is." She blushed. "He… he wasn't at the rehearsal either."

I shifted Spike a bit. "Spike's the one who knows where he is. We left the bachelor party before it was over. Spike said he was arranging someone to make sure Shining Armor stayed safe. Whenever—and wherever—he wakes up, he's going to have a killer headache. Both him and Spike. And Pinkie: Not a word of this to Twilight, if you actually were at that party. Whatever happened stays there. Got it?" She nodded with a massive grin. "Now bugger off, both of you. I feel dirty in more ways than one."

"What about Shining Armor?" Cadance asked.

"You're going to have to wait for Spike to wake up. He isn't asleep, he's passed out. Ain't no telling when he'll be up. If you want, though, we can throw him in the shower first. He'll get up then."

"That seems cruel, Nav," Cadance said.

"Yeah, well, I almost just made you cry before your wedding. I'm not exactly a nice person." She huffed again. "And there was that whole incident yesterday that should have showed I'm not nice. And several other things."

"You sure seemed awfully nice to Chrysalis," Pinkie said, making Cadance grin.

"That's because most of the rest of you were being dicks to her. Someone had to pick her up." I shrugged. "Besides, she's more like me than most of you are."

We walked in silence for a bit. I was still catching eyes as I walked down the halls. Cadance finally said, "Pinkie, do you feel funny? Ever since I started talking to Nav I've felt myself getting warmer."

Pinkie's habitual smile turned a bit sly. "I could tell you the reason, but that would go against not saying what happened last night."

Cadance looked confused for a moment before looking horrified. "EWWWW!" She galloped back the way we had come.

"So Pinkie. I want two answers from last night: Did I know I was drugged, and was it Vinyl that did the drugging?"

"Yes and no. I believe your exact words when you downed the glass were, 'Oh shit I just got drugged.' Scratch was really angry about it, too."

I looked at her. "I knew I got drugged." She nodded, smiling. "And I stayed there anyway." She nodded again, still smiling. "Okay, one more question. What the fuck was the drug?"

"A really strong afro… aphrodi… It made all the mares want you and it made you want all the mares."

"That isn't the only thing I got drugged with. If I don't remember this much, I got hit with more than a damn aphrodisiac." She shrugged. "Whatever. If you see Celestia approaching before I get a shower, let me know." If my smell turned Cadance on, I wouldn't want to know what it would do to a mare in heat.

"Nav, with the state you're in, you wouldn't get very far. You can barely move and if you can fly I'm a unicorn."

"True. We'll wake Spike up long enough to get a name out of him so you can go find Shining Armor. When you find him, make sure he drinks a lot of water. And have a few empty buckets, because he's probably going to throw up." She grimaced. "And don't bring Cadance, either."

"I'm not stupid, Nav. I'm sending Twilight!"

"Oh God no. Send AJ and Dash. They know how to deal with someone in his state."

She giggled. "I was just kidding. I wouldn't do that to you guys! I know what you went through last night, before you came to the fun party. And while you were at the fun party! And after the fun party…"

"As I said, I don't want to know anything else. Wait, actually, two more things: Was Spike drugged, and did he… you know?"

"No and yes. Rarity won't find out from me."

"Heheheh. Awesome. I knew I brought him with me for a reason."

"He might not be so happy about it, though… He was really drunk, Nav."

"Then he probably won't remember. Let's just hope he remembers enough to know where the hell SA is. Oh man, Pinkie, you should have seen them last night! Spike was lighting shots and Shining Armor was downing them like nobody's business! It was amazing."

She "Ooh'd" at that. "And he didn't get hurt?"

"Well, probably. But he might as well live a little while he can; he's getting married soon, after all. And Cadance is annoying as fuck, so she probably won't let him do anything."

"She's not that bad, Nav. You just gotta give her a chance!"

"I was trapped in a cavern with her for days. If we had been down there for much longer I'd have bashed her skull in while she was asleep and got my first taste of pony."

Pinkie giggled. "Not your first _taste_. I think that was Rarity, if your journals were telling the truth."

I shrugged, bouncing Spike up a bit. "Not what I meant. But fair enough. And Spike doesn't get to know about that either. Also, next time you read something that continually threatens you and derides you for reading it, maybe you should stop."

"Yeah, sure, whatever. Oh yeah, and Rarity was looking for you too! And Twilight! And Taya. And Princess Celestia and Princess Luna and Queen Chrysalis and Fluttershy and Cadance and me and a few servant ponies."

"Holy fuck. What did the servants want?" She shrugged. "Any idea about the rest of them?"

"I think Rarity wanted to talk to you about your armor. Taya just wanted to be around you—you really don't spend enough time with her! I think I just wanted to say hi, but I don't remember for sure anymore. Cadance wanted to know where Shining Armor was. I don't know about the rest."

"Shower first. Well, wake up Spike and then shower. I'm tired of drawing the eye of every mare—Yeah, I see you looking at me!" The random servant blushed and looked away. "I wasn't complaining, you know." She trotted away, giggling. "See, shit like that keeps happening. Even the stallions are looking at me funny!"

"Well, that's what you get for—"

"Don't want to know! I just want to shower and soak my wings and get whatever this is off me." She giggled again. "At least we're almost there… When's the party for Chrysalis again?" She told me. "I'll try to be there. With everyone clamoring for me, I might be late. You're an awesome secretary. And I swear to God if there's a party behind my door I'm firing you." She giggled. "From a cannon." She cracked up. "Into space." Now she was just straight up laughing.

I turned my door handle and opened it and nothing happened. I sighed gratefully and stepped inside. She followed and kicked the door shut behind her. I set Spike on my bed and stripped my shirt off. Pinkie flinched like I slapped her when I did. After a moment she breathed in deep and sighed happily. I looked at her in concern for a moment. She just looked around my room with half-lidded eyes.

I gulped and picked Spike back up and took him to the bathroom. Pinkie followed me, standing awfully close. I turned the water on and got it as cold as I could get it. I thrust Spike in.

The resulting roar and flames sent Pinkie tumbling from the bathroom and I lost all of the hair on my arms and my upper body. Thankfully my head was away from the blast and it only hit me long enough to burn the hair; I wasn't hurt.

Spike's eyes shot open and he grasped the hand that I was holding him with hard enough to actually bend it back as he forced himself out of the water. The kickass persona he just built was immediately ruined when he let go and fell back, holding his head and groaning. "Where are we?" he moaned.

"The palace, my room. Where's Shining Armor?"

He groaned again, still holding his head and trying to block out the light. "I sent him home with… Some guard. Uh… Sunshine Smiles, I think." No clue who that was.

"Pinkie, he's with some dude named Sunshine Smiles. Now go get a team together to get him; I'll take care of Spike."

"Have fun!" she called in a voice that was way too loud. She dashed out of my room.

"Spike, how much of last night do you remember?"

"Can we… talk about it later? I feel terrible…"

"Fine. Here." I picked him up out of the shower and took him to the sink. "Open up." With a small grimace he opened his mouth and I turned on the cool water tap. He gulped down several mouthfuls before tapping out. "Alright, go and lie down. If you feel like throwing up, use the trashcan." He slunk out of the bathroom and into my bed. He got down and closed his eyes and started snoring.

I shrugged and dropped my britches and hopped in the shower.

I don't even know how long I was in there. Washing feathers is a pain in the ass. I think it was probably nearly an hour. When I finally got out, I felt a hell of a lot better. Before, pretty much everything hurt. Now it was just my head, and that eased a bit when I took Spike's place under the faucet. Normally I wear hangovers as a reminder that all actions have consequences, but if I passed a unicorn today I'd get them to heal it; I wasn't going to be dealing with all the shit I had to deal with today with a headache.

I stepped into my room and checked my drawers. As I expected, all of my missing clothes had been returned and all of Celestia's liveries had been removed. Fucking nobles, man. Got nothing better to do than fuck with us.

I quickly got dressed and checked on Spike. He was still alive, at least, though I expected he would be out for a while yet. I grabbed my gear and went next door. With a quick knock, Doppel opened up, grabbed me, and threw me inside and onto the floor. Before I could do anything else she jumped on me and did her best to pin me down.

"What did you do to her?!" she angrily demanded.

"You're going to need to be a bit more specific there. I've done a lot of things to a lot of hers recently." Have you ever been punched by a hoof? Let me tell you my opinion on it: Fuck. That. Shit. Which is why Doppel quickly found herself kicked into the hall, propelled with both of my legs. My crossbow was on her before she picked herself off the floor. And then I dropped the crossbow when I remembered it wasn't loaded and grabbed a dagger and a throwing knife and dropped into a fighting stance.

She laughed when she saw me as she morphed into Kumani. I don't think she was expecting me to rush her and use my wings to propel my knee into her face. Her jaw clicked shut with a massive crunching sound and down she went.

She was expecting to intimidate me, I suspect. But I remembered what Chrysalis said: When they transform, they still remain changelings. And the other changelings from before couldn't do magic when they turned into Celestia, Shining Armor, and Cadance. Doppel might have gotten a bit of strength from her change, but she wouldn't have the ability to breathe fire at me.

Thankfully, when she dropped she turned back into a changeling. I grabbed one of her back hooves and dragged her into the room. I was kind of tempted to leave her on the bed with Spike, but that would be mean even for me. I dragged her to a couch and put her in it.

"And that's what I do to people that punch me in the face," I said to no one as I checked around. "Anyone here?" Nothing. "Man, now my head _really _hurts. Cunt." I checked a nearby desk and pulled out a small slip of blank paper. I wrote a quick note and blew it dry. I walked over to Doppel, rolled it up, and slipped it inside one of the holes in her hooves, not so far in that it couldn't be seen and yet deep enough that she should feel it.

I _was _going to wait to wake up Spike after I saw Chrysalis, but she wasn't there and I had no idea where she would be. So I went to go wake him up. Thankfully, it was a lot easier this time.

"Go tell Celestia to turn the sun down," he groaned, rolling away from the window.

"I told you this would happen, Spike. The only way to get the pain to go away is to get up and come with me to find a unicorn. We both got shit to do today. And you really need a shower; you smell kind of like I did a few minutes ago."

"Unicorn first, shower later…" he rasped, sitting up and looking around with bleary eyes.

"No, shower now and unicorn later. If you don't take a shower, everyone is going to know what you did last night. And when word gets to Twilight, she'll castrate you."

"What did we—Oh Celestia!" He looked like he was about to be sick so I threw the trashcan in front of him. He just held his head, moaning. "So… many… mares. We were monsters last night, Nav." He shuddered. "I think… I think a few of them were…" I kneeled down.

"Spike, I don't want to know. I really, really, _really _don't want to know. There were stallions in the pile when I woke up. Keep what happened to yourself or talk about it to Pinkie. Just never tell Twilight. In fact, just never tell anyone that isn't Pinkie. I'm sorry if you regret it, but…" I giggled. "I bet you were having fun last night."

He waved a claw at me, still holding his head with his other. "I don't regret it. I just… don't know what came over me."

"We were drugged, Spike."

"Well, I know _you _were, but I didn't know I was!"

"If you really fucked more than one mare for any length of time, you were definitely drugged. We've been over the capabilities of virgins, so I know I don't need to explain it." I stood up and looked down on him. "Now, there's something very important we need to do." He looked up. I held up my fist. With a weary smile, he met it. "Welcome to the true ranks of bro-dom, Spike. For your actions last night, I award you the title of bro, first class. Wear your first hangover and sex-induced weakness with pride." I paused. "For all of the time it takes us to find a unicorn, because I'm feeling it too. Now take a damn shower."

He weakly jumped to his feet and wobbled a bit. He limped to the bathroom. I heard the shower start as I walked my way over to the window. _It really is way too bright out there. If Celestia actually can control the damn sun, she should get her shit together_. It was no brighter than usual, of course, but that's still too bright for me. My physical body disagrees, as it loves the sun, but my mind still shuns it.

I sighed as I went over to my filthy clothes and rooted through the pockets. _If my lit teacher could see these copies of Shakespeare right now, she would scream._ Good thing she's not here, because she'd probably nitpick the shit out of everything I was doing. I went over to the table and dropped the papers off, hoping nothing was missing.

That done, I started pulling out all of my miscellaneous weapons, checking them for damage or filth, because I really didn't want to know what… whatever I was covered in would do to steel. They were all fine. I popped open my bolt container and gagged, throwing the entire thing away from me. Bolts slipped out and skittered around on the floor.

That… That is _not _a bolt. I walked over to it and pushed it with my foot. No. I don't even know. _When Spike gets out, he's going to burn that and we'll never speak of it again._ For now, I kicked it across the floor to the wall and started picking up bolts, checking them for damage. That done, I checked the sights on the crossbow from when I dropped it earlier. They were fine.

Maintenance of an armory is hard work. Spike got out not long after I finished. He walked in with a smile on his face.

Before he could say anything, I said, "You see that thing over there by the wall?" He turned his head and nodded. "Destroy it. And I mean destroy it, don't send it to Celestia."

"Nav… what _is _that?"

"Let's just say that it is something that a mare would use on a mare and we'll leave it at that. I don't want it anywhere near me."

He giggled. "Then where did you find it?"

"My quiver. I guess I was planning on shooting it at the next queen that tries to take over."

He just shook his head as he walked over to it. He picked it up with the tips of his claws, held it up, and turned it into ash.

"Smells terrible. Let's go." Out the door we went and down the hall we started. "First stop for me is Rarity, I suppose. It seems everyone wants to fucking talk to me today. If you don't have anything planned, there's a party tonight for Chrysalis. Pinkie's throwing it, and it'll probably be a hell of a lot more tame than the last few we've been to." I told him when it was.

"I might be there. I don't think I have anything to do today, but Twilight usually corrects me when I think I have time off."

"I'm not saying you can't come with me. You can if you want. There's just no guarantee at what'll happen, and you just know Rarity is going to chew us both out for missing rehearsal."

"We did, didn't we? Well, I went to the first rehearsal and the second rehearsal when Twilight ruined the first and I went to the actual aborted wedding, so I'm pretty sure I know what to do."

"Hey, we weren't the only ones not there. Apparently SA overslept too."

"Psh. His job is easy; he just shows up and says the magic words. _I _have to hold a pillow at just the right time!" Spike was the ring bearer. "I heard you had a part in the wedding. What exactly are you going to do there?"

"Yesterday I got told I was going to be giving the bride away. Something about being her guardian or some shit. Seeing as how I've made—or help made—Cadance run away in disgust three times in the past two days, I'm not certain if I'll still be forced to do it."

"Only three times? Man, you must not be trying hard enough."

"I've only run into her twice."

"In that case, you're doing really good! I didn't even think it was possible for somepony to run from you more than once when they see you."

"She came back with backup. The backup turned on her. It was fun."

"You have way too much fun, Nav. We should totally trade lives one day."

"Okay. You can take my life the next time someone tries to kill me. I'll sort books any day over being hit with polonium."

"What's polonium?"

"Fuck if I know. Twilight made me drink that shit and it dissolved most of my organs."

"That sounds like Twilight alright. What did you do this time?"

I shrugged. "The usual. Stole Celestia's crown, paraded it around, ran from Twilight, seduced her when she caught me, and got away almost scot free."

"That's the usual? I thought usually you were just rude!"

"Well it's definitely not the first time I've seduced her! You read my journals, after all. I was markedly more lucky this time, though."

"How so?"

"Dude, you probably don't want to know. Twilight's like, your mom or something."

"You really get around, don't you?"

"This wasn't by choice and it wasn't very comfortable. Twilight was very amateurish and she took total control. Fucking love poison, man… Avoid that shit like the plague, bro."

"I wasn't planning on using it anyway… So you… with Twilight… while she was affected with love poison? Doesn't that seem wrong to you?"

"Yes. It really, really does. Remember when you saw me and Twilight in the hall with her on top of me?" He nodded. "I asked her to move so I could breathe. She used magic to drag me into my room and held me there. I wasn't about to say no because I wasn't going to find out how dangerous magic can get to a distraught lover."

"That's really messed up, bro."

"Blame Molestia." He cracked up. "Which reminds me, I do need to see her sometime today. Should we go to her first or to Rarity first? Or to one of the rest of the long list of the people that want to see me?"

"I'd prefer the kitchens, actually… But Celestia, if she'll heal us, sounds best."

"Celestia, kitchens, Rarity, Fluttershy. Chrysalis and Taya will go sometime in there if we find them. Sounds like a plan." We started off to the throne room. There wasn't that much of a line to see her. We just stepped in the queue and waited. It didn't take long; most people that come to see her for advice or whatever get sent away with 'use your common sense, dipshit.'

In we went, into the lair of the terrifying Molestia. She actually did look a little flushed, and I looked around to se—Oh God. Why, Spike? In the corner were several… toys. And a mustache.

"Spike, I think now would be a good time to run away."

"Wh—Oh Celestia."

"_Ahem_." We turned our fearful gazes her way. She did not look amused. "And just what were you two doing last night?"

"I honestly have no clue," I answered. "I was drugged."

She went cross-eyed looking at her horn. It didn't glow. "You have a reprieve." Her eyes turned to Spike. "And _you_?"

His eyes darted to me and then back to her. "You're okay with him getting drugged like that?" Her eyes hardened and her mouth tightened. Spike seemed to sink a little in on himself and he gulped. "I uh… I _think _I was drugged?" Her horn glowed.

"Holy shit, Spike. You just rose three ranks in the bro-army." Celestia moved her glare to me and I held up my arms in a placating gesture. "Just sayin'." To do what he did without being drugged? Damn, man.

Her eyes moved back to Spike. "And how do you think I should explain my sudden new collection of…" She looked at the corner. "I don't even know what." She looked back to him. "Well?"

"Uh… Wedding gifts?" I face-palmed. When I looked up, Celestia had a pensive look on her face.

_Oh God. Don't tell me she's going to…_ "Very well." _Oh shit she's really going to._ "You may keep them as wedding gifts for the bride. However, they must all be signed as 'From: Spike and Navarone.'"

"Hey, what did I do?"

"You were stupid enough to go to a… _club _that tended to clientele with exotic tastes and less than pleasant moralities." Well… fair enough.

I sighed. As we turned to grab the nasty things, she said, "And don't worry: Shining Armor has been retrieved. I heard he had to be dragged from bed and was cursing the human the entire time."

Again, fair enough. Before we left with our disturbing gifts, I said, "I don't suppose you could heal us?"

She looked at me like I was an idiot. "Get out." We did.

On the way back to my room to stash the filthy objects, I said, "Well, I still think it was worth it. And we get to give Cadance a mustache and the most fucked up gifts she'll ever get!"

"Seems like a win-win to me."

"Do uh… Do you think we should wash them first?" I asked.

We pondered for a minute before we both said, "Nah."

We got to my room and threw the nasty toys under the bed. He said, "You don't think she'll tell Twilight, do you?"

"She being Celestia or she being Cadance?"

"Either."

"Celestia _probably _won't. Cadance… might. If she knows what any of these are, that is. She probably doesn't; she's really innocent."

"Wait, what are these?"

"Tell me you're kidding." He looked at me blankly. "Remember that thing I had you burn?"

He nodded and then his eyes opened really wide. "I sent Celestia… _sex toys!_" His voice squeaked there at the end.

"You sure did, boy-o. Let's head to the kitchen. We'll need some boxes or something to put these in. I sure am glad I'm not going to be at the reception; have fun with that."

He gaped for a moment. "You can't just leave me there alone! Not with… this!"

"Spike, you see that barrel?" I pointed at it for him to make sure he did. "It is currently full of booze." I dropped my hand. "When I get done getting knighted, I am going to carry that barrel next door, pop it open, and empty it with Chrysalis. I ain't going to another namby-pamby pony party if I don't bloody have to. So yeah: Have fun with that shit. Now let's go bloody eat."

He muttered some dark things as we walked to the door. "Wait, you know what? Fuck that, let's fly," I said. I dragged him over to the window and picked him up and jumped out. It was a straight shot out my window to the kitchen, a walk which would have taken, like, ten minutes. It took us less than one to fly. "I don't know about you, but I don't want to run into Twilight or Cadance in the halls."

"What about anypony else?"

"Meh." In we went. If there was a system of universal justice, Cadance would have been there, with Twilight and Luna. They would have taken one look at me, grabbed me with a spell, and dragged me off to be castrated and/or married.

Thank God there's no such thing as justice. The kitchen was bustling more than usual, though; with the wedding tomorrow, all the Apples had to prepare the food again. Spike and I grabbed some stuff and got out of dodge.

"I really need to start making the meal times. I'm tired of wandering into the kitchens and grabbing leftovers," I said.

"Well, you don't even eat that much," Spike answered. "I constantly get the short end of the stick because of all the crap Twilight makes me do."

"Then stop helping her. I mean, you're not exactly her slave, are you?"

He muttered some dark words that I didn't catch before going to town on the stuff he grabbed.

"Onward to Rarity?" I asked.

He sighed, "Onward to Rarity." We went outside and flew up to her window. I didn't bother trying to sneak; Spike's clawed feet don't do wonders for silence.

I said, "I heard you were loo—"

"YOU!" she shrieked at me. _Oh God my head…_

"Me?" I asked, pretending to be confused. "What about me?"

She used her magic to rip Spike away from me. "You're corrupting my sweet Spikey-wikey!" Does no one but me see how big he is? And how much more mature he is? Seriously!

"Rarity, I got drugged last night. I have no idea what happened."

She glared at me. "_Before _that!"

"Before that I was with Chrysalis."

"After that and before the other party! You know what you did!"

"I'm afraid I don't," I said, crossing my arms. "Why don't you fill me in?"

She sputtered. After a moment she let out a very frustrated groan. "I don't know! But Pinkie said it was something no pony would approve of, so I know it's bad!"

I looked at Spike. He looked at me. "What do you think, Spike? Do you feel corrupted?"

He shrugged. "I've felt worse. I don't know what she's talking about, though."

We both turned to Rarity, who was looking at Spike in confusion. He usually sides with everything she says. She quickly turned a glare back at me. "Your armor is done," she said through grated teeth. "It's in the barracks."

"Cool. Spike, you coming with me or staying here?" She turned her gaze back on Spike. I didn't look at her expression, though. I was still at the window, just looking at him.

After a moment, he said, "Let's go, Nav." _Hard to get. Nice._ He walked up to me and I grabbed him and out we went. The last thing I saw in that room was Rarity's shocked expression.

While we were in the air, he said, "Have you ever noticed how annoying Rarity is?"

"Oh God yes. There's a reason I take so many tweaks at her. Honestly I don't know why she still talks to me." That's actually a good question for all of them. I mean, I'm kind of a dick. "Anyway, Fluttershy next."

She wasn't in the gardens. She wasn't in the aviary. "Well, where the hell else would she be?" I asked, ducking out of the door of that smelly as fuck place.

"Don't look at me," Spike answered with a shrug. "Probably somewhere in the palace, but I don't know where."

"Fuck this. Let's go get my armor. Maybe we'll run into someone that can tell us."

To the barracks we went.

Wait.

"Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"Where the fuck is the barracks?"

"I don't know, dude. I'm following you."

"Dammit. Let's find a guard." We did, and asked for directions. It took five minutes to get an answer from him; he was staring straight ahead without a reaction for some time. I eventually threatened to poke him in the eye and see if he would move then. He told us what we needed and glared at us until we left.

"Well Spike, I think Rarity outdid herself."

"I gotta agree, man."

We were in the barracks, looking at the most evil looking armor I have ever seen. "I don't think this is her original design, though," I commented as I took a step closer to it and ran my hand over it.

"It isn't," the armorer said. "That snobby white unicorn sent the plans down here, but they sucked. I went to Princess Luna herself and asked for suggestions. I built you some _real _armor based on her suggestions and some of the original designs from that annoying pony. The original design was much too heavy, even with magical augments, and didn't offer that much protection at all where it was really needed." He looked me up and down. "Even with your freaky body. This suit will actually keep you alive in battle rather than just look pretty at ceremonies." He gave a wicked grin. "It'll still do that too, of course. As long as it's a ceremony for the night princess, at least; most ponies would be too squeamish to see this baby by day. It's a shame I won't be at the wedding; I'd love to see the reactions of those snobby bastards when they see you walk out in _this_."

"You know what, so do I. Want to show me how to strap it on?"

"I thought you'd never ask. You're going to need to remove all your weapons, though; those go on the outside of the armor."

I started breaking my gear down, removing all of my stuff. He helped me suit up, somehow strapping me in with hooves. "Now, this armor doesn't mean you're invincible," he said as he worked. "I know the princess said you were an experienced fighter, but that you had never fought in armor before. I assume you've fought armored troops, though." At my nod he continued, "And if you're standing here I assume you won. Your best bet in battle is still to not get hit. And with the magical supplements you'll be getting from the princess, you should be able to move in this stuff like it was just your coat. Or… your clothes, I guess. If you do get hit, do your best to move with the blow. The armor will absorb most of the force, but I'm sure you know it can be pierced." I nodded again. "If it does get pierced, do your best to eliminate the attacker. Don't remove the armor or the weapon inside of you until you get to a unicorn or a field medic; I've heard stories—secondhand accounts, from stallions on the frontlines—of ponies coming back from battle held together only by their armor and as soon as they take it off they just break. That doesn't need to happen to you. Now, try to walk to your friend."

I lifted my leg and marveled at how light the armor felt. I walked to Spike; it was harder than usual and my balance was way off, but I made it with no real problems.

"Come back over here," he told me. I went to him. "Put this on." He handed me a helmet. On it went. "The original design had it so you couldn't see a damn thing. The princess liked the design of the helmet and said you'd love it, but a stallion can't fight if he can't see. You should be able to see and breathe fine with this. It's still technically a closed-face helmet, but I've been doing this long enough to know my business. Now, there are just two more issues I need your approval on. First, I need your personal crest."

"I don't have one," I answered with a shrug. "Can I pick anything?"

"Well, there's a long list of things that are currently in use by solar knights. But there hasn't been a lunar knight since buck if I know when. Say something and I'll let you know if it's being used."

I looked around the room. _Dragons are overused and might send the wrong message since they're real. Weapons are overused. How about a shield? Nah, that's retarded. I looked down._ I grinned and pulled off my gauntlet. "How about a hand?"

He grinned. "That's never been used before. Might be because there ain't never been a whatever you are before. What color?"

"Red. As dark and evil a red as you can make it."

"You got it. The other issue: What do you want to do with your wings? The princess said you can't fold them against you properly, so they'd be a real liability in a large battle."

"Can you make armor for them?"

He rubbed a hoof on his chin, thinking. "Hold on." He went into the other room.

"Well Spike? What do you think?"

"Nav… You're terrifying right now. It's awesome!"

"Good. I miss having everyone cringe in fear when I walked past. Now they'll have reason to again!"

"Okay, that's kinda creepy…"

The armorer walked in. "Bend down a bit." I did and fell on my face. "A bit too much, actually. But this'll do. Hold your wings out." I stretched them for him. "Hm. No, that won't work. Alright, you want my professional advice? Learn to fold your buckin' wings. There's nothing I can do for you. Now, let's see if you can get up."

I pulled my wings in and bent my arms down to push. I didn't seem to be going anywhere.

"Lesson whatever we're on about armor use: You won't have the full range of motion you usually do while you're wearing all of it. For a pony that wouldn't matter as much. For someone like you, it will. Can you get up?"

"Gimme a minute." I found a position in which I was able to push. I shot my wings out and gave myself as much of a lift as I could as I pushed, propelling me up. I overshot it and landed on my ass with a massive clunk.

"Lesson whatever we're on plus one: Your balance is gonna be bucked up. Though I thought you'd already know that." I pushed myself to my feet. "Alright, I have a suggestion for you, but you don't have to take it if you don't want to: Spend the day in your armor. Get used to moving in it like it is now, because it'll help you adjust much faster when you get the enchantments. You'll be used to your new range of motions and since you're moving slower right now, you won't find you can't move a certain way until you've moved so quickly that you hurt yourself."

"That seems like a good idea, actually. What can I do with my helmet, or do I need to leave it on?"

"Take it off, I'll show you where to put it." I did. He slid it on a hook on my belt. "A neat idea, I think. Now, let's start getting your weapons on you."

It was a simple task to transfer everything from my tool belt to my armor belt. It was harder to find where to put everything. The helmet hook was on my right side, since the armorer expected me to be wearing the sword on my hip. I put the quiver on my left hip. The sword went on my back, of course. I strapped the throwing knives to myself as always, though I had to forgo the ones that go up my sleeves; I left them there, under the armor. The two knives hidden around my thighs went around my lower legs, in plain sight. The naga dagger was strapped on my belt in such a way that it hung sideways on my lower back for a quick and easy draw with my left hand. The crossbow, as always, went over my shoulder.

"Can you grab everything alright?" he asked me. I reached for my sword and was able to pull it free effortlessly. I gave it a few swings and put it away. I reached with my left hand and pulled out the dagger. I tossed it from hand to hand and slid it back. I bent down to my legs and drew each one and tested them and slid them back. I reached into my belt and drew two knives and threw them both into what looked like a dartboard, scoring fairly high and earning a small applause. I unslung my crossbow, drew a bolt, and hit dead center, popping a hole through the board and into the wooden wall. "Hey, can you leave that one there? It looks pretty cool." I shrugged as I slung the crossbow and grabbed the knives.

"So why did you need to know my crest?" I asked as I slid the knives back into their compartments.

"Hold still. I need to put it on your pauldrons." His horn glowed and I felt a heat in my shoulders as a red hand seemed to melt into the steel. "That what you wanted?"

"You got a mirror?"

"Does this look like a buckin' changin' room to you?"

I looked around and saw a lot of spare armor and a few things that looked like pony shirts. "…Yes?"

"Smartass. It's in the other room, hold on." He went over there and came out with a body-sized mirror. A pony's body-sized mirror, rather. He angled it so I could see myself.

I whistled softly. "Damn. Fluttershy's gonna piss herself when she sees me." The closest thing to the human equivalent I could think of would be the armor from a game called Overlord. All of the images were replaced with pony symbols, aside from the hands on my shoulders. The helmet was different, as it didn't have any of the spikes on the top, but that was pretty much it. "Yes. Yes, I think this will do nicely."

"Good! If it ever gets dented, any blacksmith should be able to pop it out. If it gets pierced or cut, though, you'll need to find a real blacksmith, or come back here. Just make sure that doesn't happen by not getting hit."

"I'll do my damndest. If this wasn't free, how much would it cost?"

He thought for a moment. "A few hundred bits. You could probably buy a house with the money you'd spend on it."

"Nice. Anything else I should know?"

He went through the long and boring process of how to clean it. Spike was too interested in how I looked to pay attention through that, and I only forced myself to listen because I knew corroded armor would get me killed.

Thankfully, we got out of there fairly quickly. "So where are we going to get some boxes?" Spike asked.

"Fuck boxes. My head still hurts. I'm going back to Celestia and getting her to lighten my load and hopefully cure my damn headache."

"Shouldn't you wait to get used to it first?"

"Oh yeah. That. Fuck. So let's find… Chrysalis and Taya. I'm sure one of them can heal us. Boxes will still be a problem, but I'm sure we can ask any random servant about that." Wait. "Spike, what time is it?"

"How should I know?"

I looked up and saw the relative position of the sun. _Around time for the party._ "Good news: I know where they all should be. Let's go to the party"

"Dressed like _that_?"

"Hell yeah. Dude, do you know how awesome this feels?" He shrugged. "I feel like I could actually take a kick in the chest from a pony right now and not feel it. As soon as I picked myself up off the ground, that is." We started heading that way.

He grabbed one of my wings and gave it a bit of a tug. "You aren't invincible, remember that."

I pulled my wing back. "If you remember anything about last night, you know what that does to me. But yeah, I know I'm not. Here's hoping nothing goes too wrong, eh?"

"Yeah, you're too fun to have around. And you keep me supplied in bits; that party last night was paid for by you."

"…dick." We were in the halls now, and I heard my footsteps clunking on the ground. Every pony we saw flinched when they saw me, and a few of the servants actually ran away, but thankfully none of them were screaming. I couldn't help but smile, doing my best to show off my canines.

Of course, given that most of these servants also just saw—or heard about—me walk into the palace soaked in sex fluids or whatever that was, the effect was quite lessened. A few of them snickered at me as I passed, when they realized who I was. A few of the females playfully tugged my wings. _Okay, whatever is causing this really needs to stop. I had my fun, this is getting old._

With all of that, I increased my pace quite a few times until Spike was nearly running to keep up. I was afraid to try to pick him up while I was wearing armor, so I had to slow down a bit. We were both a bit short breathed when we got to the party that was already underway.


	38. Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Six—Parties, weddings, and dreams

As soon as we stepped inside, I swear to God the music scratched and everyone looked up at me, gaping.

I nodded. "Sup?"

Taya was the first to react, galloping over to me from Chrysalis and hugging my leg. I knelt down and pulled her against my metal carapace, which was enough to break the silence and some people returned back to conversations.

I said into her hair, "Sorry for not coming back last night. Some bad shit went down and I got stuck."

"I know. Pinkie told me a bit." I looked up and saw Pinkie watching me. I gave her a small nod. She went back to partying.

"Can you heal me and Spike?" My head instantly felt better. I grabbed Spike and pulled him over and she healed him too. "Thanks." I let her go and stood up. "Spike, mingle or do whatever. If you want to come with me when I leave, you probably can." He nodded and went over to the food table. _Typical_. "Did I miss anything, Taya?"

"Nothing big. A lot of people are looking for you, though."

"I've dealt with a few of them. Sorry I couldn't find you sooner; I looked, I promise you. I even knocked Doppel the fuck out and left you a message in her."

She smiled. "We found it. I don't remember it mentioning anything about a fight, though."

"It didn't; I didn't want to get her in trouble. I suppose she's still out cold?" Taya nodded. "Serves her right. She punched me in the face with one of her hooves. That shit hurts."

We walked up to Chrysalis, who was standing about as far away from the food table as she could and not be conspicuous about it. "Sorry for leaving you with Taya again. I got drugged because I'm stupid and trusted someone."

"Navarone, has anypony ever told you that you can be really dense?"

"Yeah. I get that a bit. If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure I got laid. Thirty times. I don't actually remember… anything from the point where I left the bar."

"It really does not make me feel any better. I see you found your armor." She reached a hoof up and tapped it on my chest. "I approve, though I think the symbol would be a lot nicer if it was mine."

I shrugged, which was hard to notice in the armor. "There wasn't much of a choice. The only bit of this armor I really got to choose was this here," I said, pointing to my shoulders. "No one in this world will get the refere—"

"The Band of the Red Hoof?" she asked, looking at them curiously. "Red hand, I suppose, in your case. I've heard legends, but they're just that: Legends. I'm surprised you've heard of them."

"I'm just as surprised that you have. The Band is from a book series back in my world. I swear this place freaks me out with all its similarities."

She shrugged. "I don't suppose I could bother you for a light snack? No pony here seems to desire to help sustain me."

"Go ahead. What are you in the mood for?"

She licked her lips. "I want to earn it. Prepare your mind!" I had just enough time to clear my mind when her horn glowed.

"Don't take anything I don't want you to have," I said, trying to keep things down.

"I know you well enough, Navarone. Let me see…" She hummed lightly as she dug, a small smile showing off her fangs. "Nothing here is ever where I leave it… You are quite rude to your own mind, Navar—What's this?" She paused. "No, that is not for me." More humming and her smile grew wider. "There." Her horn stopped glowing. "I bet you don't even know what I took."

"I don't. I believe I trust you." I looked around and noticed that we were the center of attention again. I said aloud, "Two ponies walked into a bar. The third one ducked." There was a chorus of groans at the bad joke as everyone turned back to what they were doing.

Chrysalis just shook her head. "Oh, yes. I needed to tell you something. I will be unable to keep our… arrangement tomorrow night. My presence has been requested somewhere else and I am unable to avoid the obligation."

"Damn. I'll save you some alcohol then, and you can drink it when you get out of this depressing place. It won't be the first time I've gotten plastered alone."

She smiled at that. "Just be careful, Navarone."

Suddenly, Pinkie Pie! "You two already know each other! Quit hogging her, Nav."

"Pinkamena—"

"You can call me Pinkie!"

"There is not exactly a queue lined up to talk to me right now. What harm is there in letting Navarone and I have a conversation?"

"Well of course there's not a queue! Nav's scaring them away with his creepy armor." She turned her eyes on me. "Shoo! Go talk to Fluttershy or Twilight, they both wanted to talk to you." She turned predatory eyes on Chrysalis. "Let me introduce you to everypony!" Chrysalis had time to look scared before she was pulled off by Pinkie.

Her spot was immediately taken by Rainbow Dash. "Lookin' good, Nav! Love the new duds!" She held out her hoof and I met it. "Nice! I bet you can finally do a real bro-hoof!"

"Wait, what?"

She rolled her eyes. "Ever since you got here, Twilight warned us to be a bit gentle with you with our hooves. She said your skin was a lot more sensitive than a pony's coat or hoof. But wearing that thing, I bet you can finally take a kick! Now put your hand up again." I did, and she punched it for all she was worth and immediately brought her hoof back with a sharp yelp of pain that she tried to mask as a nervous laugh. "Yeah," she said in a pained voice, "you'll do. I uh… I gotta go." I saw her go to the kitchen doors, probably to put her hoof in some ice or something.

I looked down at my fist._ I barely felt that. _I grinned and finally looked up around the party to see who was in attendance. Twilight and all of her friends, of course. I saw Cadance, and I later found out that the new rehearsal would be right after the party. They were planning to do another one because the groom was gone during the first one and they didn't have the guy to give away the bride either. And the knighting rehearsal was right after that, since that was around the time Luna usually gets up anyway.

Anyway, the party. Two ponies I wanted to avoid and one that wanted me for some reason. Taya and I went over to Fluttershy, though I saw Twilight angling her way to me before I got there. "I heard you were looking for me," I said to Fluttershy.

I heard her audibly gulp when she turned to look at me. Her eyes took in my armor from the bottom to the top. I saw her eyes widen when they got to my shoulders. She looked like she was actually about to piss herself, like I predicted earlier.

"Fluttershy, are you okay?" I asked. I was actually somewhat concerned. Her eyes were still looking at my armor. "Fluttershy!" She jerked her gaze up. "It's me." I tapped my breastplate with my gauntlets. "This is my armor. Relax." It took her a few seconds, but she slowly calmed down. "Now, what did you need?"

"I… I heard you had a bit of alcohol here," she said.

"That's true. Are you interested in getting drunk? Chrysalis just bowed out on me and I need a partner tomorrow night." Her eyes went wide again and she took a step back. "No, Fluttershy. We were just going to drink. We wouldn't do anything you aren't comfortable with."

"Um… No thanks. I wanted some of it for a different purpose… Do you remember how you said it was used as an anesthetic?"

"I don't remember saying that, but it's true. The stuff I have in my room is strong enough to preserve a body with, if you were interested in that." Her eyes widened even more.

"C-c-c-could I h-h-h-have some?" she squeaked.

"Leave me at least half the barrel. You can go up there and take what you need whenever, though I can't promise there's going to be much left after tomorrow night." She squeaked a response and darted away. "Taya, am I really that scary?" I asked, turning to her.

"You're not scary to me. I know you would never hurt me."

"Yeah, but Fluttershy knows I would never hurt her either. Or at least, she should know that. I don't hurt the weak and helpless unless they deserve it."

"The same couldn't be said of me," I heard Twilight say, and I turned so fast I almost slid to the ground in my new armor. My dagger was in my hand in an instant and a throwing knife in the other. She didn't react. "Or at least, that's what you seem to think."

I noticed I had picked up quite a few stares again and I slipped the dagger away but tucked the throwing knife up into my hand, which was harder to do while wearing a gauntlet. "That depends on the given definition of weak and helpless," I said. "Given that your weapon of choice is magic and I have no defense against that, then I suppose you do like terrorizing the weak and helpless."

"But it doesn't all hurt. Or so I heard." I saw her horn glow and she did something to my wings that felt too good. She quickly stopped. "I don't suppose you would know anything about that, would you?"

I stepped in closer to her so I wouldn't have to talk as loud. "You were drugged. You dragged me into my room against my will and I was afraid for my physical safety to deny you. I'm not proud of it, but I honestly thought you might have hurt me if I tried to stop you."

I heard her grinding her teeth together. "You're going to help me get back at Celestia. Somehow. She's done some strange stuff in the past, Nav, but this… This was actually _wrong_."

"Well… Spike and I did send her some really strange stuff on accident last night. But she punished us—sort of—for that. If you can come up with a good plan that wouldn't end up with us in the brig, I'm in."

She smiled. Frankly, I was somewhat terrified of that smile. "For what she did, I'll put my all into it. I've always wanted to prank her back. I think I know just what to do. Give me a few months to check and double check and finalize preparations."

I looked at her in concern. "Twilight, don't take this too far. And at the same time, make sure you take this far enough to make it worth it; don't you dare spend all that time and just end up hiding the soap in her bathtub."

"Don't worry. I'll make this well worth it. Just be ready."

"As ever. Is there anything that I need to know before I disappear?"

"The rehearsals are after this. For the wedding and the knighting ceremony. You need to be there, of course. Since, you know, _you weren't there this morning_. Where were you two?!" _Oh yeah, _now _she freaks about it._

"Sleepover," I answered. "It was kind of sudden, and I wasn't expecting us to be late." I shrugged. "Spike really wanted to stay, and I wasn't about to leave him there alone."

"Uh huh. And the rumors I heard about you coming back today carrying him over your shoulder and smelling like… like…" She shuddered.

"Twilight, I have done some really weird—and stupid—shit this week. Based on all of that, are you really surprised there are some strange rumors going around about me?"

"Fine. But tell me next time! I don't like not knowing where Spike is at his age." I wish she understood why I found that funny, but I wasn't about to point it out if Spike wasn't ready or willing to. "Also, what did you do to my brother? Apparently he woke up cursing your name."

"I made sure he slept in a home away from Cadance last night. It's a tradition back where I'm from, to make sure the bride and groom aren't together too much in the week before the wedding. I know traditions are sometimes silly, but they were asking me about some of my people's wedding traditions last night." I shrugged, again barely noticeable. "I hope he wasn't too distraught."

"I see. I was worried that you had… Well, never mind." Twilight's an idiot. Although technically nothing I said was actually a lie. "I'll talk to you later, Nav. And..." she sighed. "Never mind." With that, she walked off.

"Can I see you in your helmet?" Taya asked.

I slid it off the hook and over my head. Suddenly Pinkie! "Ooh ooh! Now do an evil laugh!"

"You know what… It has been a long, long time since I did that. Hold on." I pulled my sword out and cleared my throat. I made sure no one was in the way, reached in deep, and pulled out the most evil laugh that any of the ponies had ever—or would ever—hear. It was actually a talent of mine, back in the day, and it was something I practiced.

Do you remember how I said before that the music scratched when I walked in and how everyone stopped what they were doing and looked up?

You could hear a pin drop, aside from Fluttershy's legs scrabbling against the floor trying to get her deeper under a table that was too low to fit her. I slipped my sword in its scabbard and pulled my helmet off and put it onto its hook as everyone stared. After a moment I pointed at Pinkie and said, "She asked me to." Their eyes all moved to Pinkie, who had now started to wear a smile that I personally found horrifying.

"I have a great idea!" she said. And I thought her smile was horrifying… 'Great' ideas from Pinkie usually do not end well.

"Not interested," I answered.

"But you didn't even hear it yet…" She pouted. I don't know if you've ever seen a Pinkie pout, but they are more effective than Applebloom puppy dog faces. Pinkie's eyes get large and watery and her entire face seems to contort in a way that just says 'sad.'

"Still not interested," I answered her.

"Please?"

"Taya, can you beat her cuteness with your own?"

Taya took one look at her and swished her tail. That was a universal sign among mares of either 'nope' or 'come and get it,' and it's only the second one if they leave it swished.

"You can tell me later, Pinkie. Now go party; I think you've earned it." And just like that, her pout disappeared and she went with it, off to make sure someone was happy. We had an agreement of sorts at her parties that was hard-forged over a few years: She left me the fuck alone if I bothered showing up. If I didn't show up she was free to complain or bug me as much as she wanted about it.

"Do you know how to tell the truth, Nav?" Cadance asked as she snuck up behind me.

"Yes," I answered, turning to face her. "You want to go four for three? I bet if I worked hard enough I could get you to run away again."

She blushed. "No thank you. I just… wanted to apologize for trying to make you talk about something you clearly didn't want to. And I wanted to thank you for keeping me safe and for helping keep me sane. And for participating in my wedding, even though you clearly don't want to."

"Don't worry about it, lass. Keeping you safe and sane is my job and you talking to me about love is your job. Even if I hate it. Just stop bothering me; it is not my way to deal with my problems in any way you would think, as I'm sure you quickly found." I smiled. "Did you ever manage to wash the smell out of your nostrils?"

"Nav, I'm not going to judge… but what was that smell? Honestly, what was it?"

"Promise me you won't be sick and you won't tell anyone and I'll tell you what I think it was." She bit her lower lip, but nodded. I pulled her head in close and whispered my thoughts into her ear.

When I let her go she had her eyes closed and she looked like she was going to be sick. "Cadance, I'm not going to lie: I got drugged last night. I was not in control of my actions at all. I'll admit that I've done some questionable things in the past, but I would _never _willingly participate in whatever happened last night."

"You got drugged?!" she whispered fiercely at me, her eyes going wide. "You should have told Shining Armor! He'd arrest the ponies that did it, no questions asked!"

"Cadance, if you think that was the worst thing that happened to me I my time in Equestria, you don't know a damn thing. Last night was pretty tame compared to some things I've been forced into in the past; I spared you some tales in the caves because I knew you wouldn't want to hear them. Last night was my punishment for trusting a mare I just met." Though apparently it wasn't her fault. I might stop by real quick after the knighting ceremony to talk to her. And maybe she can help me out of my armor…

"Nav, what they did was illegal! They should be in jail for that!"

I shrugged. "The only thing they hurt on me was my pride. Well, hurt long-term. And even then, given that I was literally _coated _in whatever that stuff was, I don't think my pride was hurt any. I probably gained quite a reputation for that."

"Why would anypony _want _that kind of reputation?"

"You don't get out much. Let's just say it has uses that your innocent mind has no need of."

She sighed. "I said I wouldn't talk to you about it. I'll see you later, Nav." I nodded and off she went.

I turned back to talk to Taya but found myself facing yet another unicorn. "That's not my armor," Rarity said with an extremely disapproving tone.

"Yeah, it's my armor," I answered. "I thought we already knew that."

"That's not my design, Nav! Do you know how long I worked on that?"

"Yes. Yes I do. To the exact millisecond. That is how much I pay attention to your marvelous work, Rarity."

She was not amused. "A long time, that's how long! Why did you go against it if that's what you chose?"

"It wasn't me, it was the armorer. Take it up with him."

She grit her teeth. "I think I will." She looked me up and down one more time before visibly relaxing a bit. "Although… It does look really nice. And the handprints are a nice touch. Hm… Put on your helmet for me." I did. "Now spin around." I looked at her. "Ugh. _Please_." I did. "Hm. Maybe I should offer a deal to this armorer. I might have to talk to him soon." I pulled the helmet off and stuck it back on my belt. "Ooh, that's a nice touch. That armorer fellow knows his business. Can you take it off easily?"

"And just what are you proposing, Rarity?"

"Oh ha ha, Nav. I know about your shameful activities these past few days. We shall have a talk about your behavior when we return to Ponyville, and the only reason we aren't having it now is because I think it will take us a while."

"You know I was drugged last night, right? I didn't have control over any of my actions."

"I don't think you would have been where you were unless you were willing to do what you did, though."

"Now that is only kind of true. Some of it, sure, I'll grant you that. But if you had seen—or smelled—me as I walked into the palace this morning, you would know that this was terrible even for me."

"I see. And _why _was Spike there?"

I shrugged. "I didn't know what was going to happen when he came along with me. I was going to drag him away when the party starting winding down, but then I got drugged and it all went to hell."

"Uh huh. And he would agree with that statement?"

_He better._ "He didn't know I was going to drag him away, no. He wanted to stay the entire time. I guess he got to."

"That is still highly irresponsible, Nav."

"Yeah. It was. I never denied it. Something bad could have happened. As far as I can tell, nothing bad did happen. As far as I know, I'm biologically incompatible with pony diseases and I've yet to see any indication that Spike can get sick either. And I'd be hard pressed to believe that Canterlot has any muggers, so I didn't think we'd get rolled. Still, something bad could have happened. It didn't, though. Now I just know not to take drinks that are on the house."

"I don't know what a lot of those words were, or at least not how you used them. I'm going to assume they are bad things, in which case you are correct: Canterlot does not have much of a crime rate."

"Opposite of my home. Where I come from our nation's capital has an incredibly high crime rate." She grimaced. "But enough of that. As it turns out, I can't get my knighthood voided for breaking my armor."

"Are you sure? All the stories I've ever heard have that loophole there…"

"Those are stories. I had Spike look it up for me. Turns out the only way to get voided is to commit a serious crime like murder or something. You got any advice on how I can do that and not end up arrested for it?"

"Nav, I've already apologized as much as I could for that!"

"I wasn't making a jibe, Rarity. I was being serious. How can I commit murder and not get arrested but still lose my knighthood?"

She put her hoof on my chest with a clink. She looked at it for a moment and then removed her hoof. She used magic to pull me closer to her and then slapped me in the face. "Stop it." She let me go and I leaned up, rubbing my face.

"Fucking cunt," I said, loud enough that she could definitely hear me. I don't think she knew what that word meant, but she huffed all the same. "Rarity, that is the second time you slapped me. With your hoof, at least. You do it again and Imma slap you back. And I won't take my gauntlet off first, either. You damn ponies always tell me that I shouldn't be so violent, and yet here you are slapping my shit. How do you justify that?"

"You seem to only learn your lessons when pain is applied. I saw no other recourse."

"Rarity, if that was true I would never have sex again. I just don't learn my lessons period, pain or no pain."

"I see. Well, I shall not cease in my efforts to turn you into a gentlecolt. You are going to be a knight now, and you must learn your manners!"

"I have manners. I just don't use them. If I ever ended up around any ponies with rods up their asses, I might start, but most of the ponies I've met have been pretty chill."

"If you say you can have manners, you should demonstrate them one day! We could even turn it into a competition, if you would be interested."

"Alright. Tell you what: One day in Ponyville we can trade jobs. I can be the polite and generous human and you can be whatever you think my personality is like. We can let one or two of our friends judge us. And just to be fair, because I know you have a real job, we can do it on a day you have off so you don't lose any business. Think of a prize or something for the winner."

"That does sound… intriguing. And I'm sure it would give you a very detailed look at how everypony views how you act."

"No, it'll give me an insight to see how you think I act. I already know you think I'm generally barbaric, rude, overly direct, crude, and a few other mean things. Oh, and I'll have to add one caveat to the competition: If something big happens, the game gets postponed; I'll not have something attack the town and me be forced to fight with honor because I don't want to lose."

"That seems fair. I'd hate to force Twilight to heal you because you don't know how to actually fight since you win all your battles by cheating."

"Damn straight, and I wouldn't have it any other way. You don't have to worry as much about getting hurt if you kill your enemy before they know you're fighting."

She rolled her eyes. "You really don't have any manners, talking about killing at a party!" She shook her head. "I think we'll have to talk later, Nav. And don't you go about avoiding me like you have been Luna and Twilight!" With that, she walked away.

I blinked at what she said, though. _I'm avoiding Luna?_ I turned to Taya, who had a plate half full of food in front of her. "Have I been avoiding Luna?"

She chewed and swallowed. "If you haven't been, you've been doing a good job disguising it." She went back to the food.

"I've only been awake in the palace for one night. It's not my fault she sleeps during the day. Do you know if she's awake right now?" Taya shrugged. I looked around the party. No one else seemed that interested in talking to me. "Fuck this. I'm going to be there when she wakes up. Actually, is that creepy?" She nodded. "Eh, fair enough. I can talk to her after the knighting practice; I'm not planning on disappearing tonight. Anyway, do you like the armor?"

"Is it going to stop you from getting hurt?"

"It's going to help protect me, but it's probably not going to completely stop everything."

"Then yes, I like it. I wonder if I could… I'll have to look some spells up, but I bet I can increase the strength of the metal."

"If you can, by all means. Just don't accidentally destroy it; turns out that would be pointless."

"I'll be careful. Is it heavy?"

"It's unbalancing but not wholly heavy. Luna is supposed to give me some manner of enchantment or something to make it lighter. I'm actually going to be her first knight in quite a while. I wonder what all it will entail…" Taya shrugged. "I'm sure I've done worse." If I've learned anything in my life, it's to never tempt fate. I just wish that I'd remember that sometimes. "Well, you got any suggestions for things to do?"

"We're at a party."

I looked around for a moment before turning back to Taya. "If you feel like playing any of these filly games, by all means. I'll watch you have fun." She grimaced at that. "That's what I thought. I actually do have some stuff to do… Do you know where I can get a bunch of boxes?"

"I bet Applejack knows. She had to use a lot of boxes for all the food supplies she's been bringing in."

I looked around and spotted her among a group of ponies. _It can wait._ I looked around again and sighed. _Fuck it, I don't want to be here anymore._ I walked up to Applejack's small group full of mostly Apple family members. "Hey AJ," two of them looked one, one of them being Applejack, "do you know where I can get some empty boxes that won't be missed?" The other one that looked up when I said AJ looked back to the group. I saw that his flank had a glass of juice on it.

"We got a bunch of them in the kitchen. You're welcome to what you need."

"Thanks." I nodded and went off to find Spike. He was talking to Twilight and Cadance. _Figures_. I went to bail him out. "Hey Spike, we need to do that thing for Celestia."

He looked confused for a moment before grinning. "Oh yeah! We do need to do that, and now would be a pretty good time." He turned to the mares. "Sorry ladies, but when the princess calls…"

"But you two need to be there for the practice!" Twilight said.

"Then send someone to come get us," I answered. "We'll be in my room. Just have them knock first."

"Oh no. You're not going to make us all wait!" Twilight said, somewhat angry. "Do you know how long we waited on you guys earlier?"

"Yes. Yes I do," I replied. What is it with me and answering rhetorical questions? "I don't know what your concern with waiting is since you know people that can _fucking teleport_. Come on, Spike." He fell into step behind me as I walked toward the kitchen. I think I heard some very dark mutterings from Twilight and some lighter ones from Cadance.

"So where are we getting the boxes?" Spike asked when we were away from there.

"The kitchen." I pushed the door open and in we went. Taya was apparently still following me. "So Spike, one big box or a few small ones?"

"The mustache needs its own box. The others can all go in one big one."

"Works for me. And you know what we're going to do?" He looked at me. "We're going to follow Celestia's instructions, but we're going to add a note of our own in the box. I'm not dealing with the fallout from this, hell no."

"I like that idea."

"So what are we doing again?" Taya asked.

"Spike and I are getting punished for being idiots last night. Celestia's punishments get really weird when she's in heat. I'm never visiting the palace again when she gets like this."

"So what did happen last night? I heard some of the servants talking about some strange things."

"I can honestly say I don't know," I answered. "And you don't need to know. I didn't get hurt, aside from a bit of soreness from sleeping oddly." At least, I hope it was from sleeping oddly.

By that time, we had found the boxes we needed and were heading on up to my room. "Taya," I said, "I'm not really certain you should see what we're going to be doing in a few minutes. It's kind of… well, fucked up."

"I'll be fine."

"Whatever. I warned you. Don't go telling everyone I'm a bad dad or guardian or whatever because I'm giving you choices instead of telling you what to do."

"You can tell me what to do if you want. But I really don't want to have to start disobeying."

"You're way too much like me at that age. Well, at whatever age you are."

"So are you saying that I'll turn out like you?"

"Oh God I hope not. I'd know that I failed as a parent if you turned out as horrible as me."

"The next time you call yourself horrible I'm throwing you on the floor," she warned. "Calling yourself bad counts for that too."

"What if I call myself that when you're not around? And will you help me get up?"

"I'll find you. And maybe."

"Hm. I think I'll wait until I'm out of my armor to test it." We walked in silence for a bit. "Actually, hold on." I slowly lowered myself to the floor, on my stomach. "I'm a bad person."

I saw an orange glow pick me up about three feet and drop me to the floor with a really loud clatter. It didn't hurt, thankfully. I pushed myself up and we continued on our way.

A few feet further down the hall, I asked, "So that was just a one-time thing, right? If I tell the truth like th—" I fell as magic clutched my legs. I hit the ground with another clatter.

"That counts," she said as I achingly picked myself up. Spike giggled.

"What if someone else says it?" I asked as we started moving again.

"Then I fully expect you to hurt them for lying and defaming your good name."

I sighed. "Spike, I've created a monster."

"Well, that's what you get for being a bad person."

After a moment Taya said, "Well?"

"Well what?" we both asked.

"Aren't you going to hurt him for lying and defaming your good name?"

Spike and I looked at each other. I pulled my gauntlet off and lightly cuffed him in the back of the head. He rubbed it as we continued in silence and I put my gauntlet back on.

"I wonder how much that suit reflects heat," Spike mused.

"We're not going to find out while I'm in it," I answered. "We can put some popcorn or something in it when I get out and let you heat it up. Assuming you clean the grease out yourself, that is."

"…I think I'll pass."

"For someone who is basically Twilight's slave, you're really lazy."

"Well, I'm getting pretty tired of being shackled to her. At this point I think I'm with her just because I think it's more likely I'll get my wings here than anywhere else."

"You know damn well I'll miss you when you're gone, because it'll mean I'll have to stay with here with no one but Taya for company. If you bail I'll probably get a house of my own, or just move to Canterlot. I'm tired of living with a murderer."

"Then how do you live with yourself?" I heard an unexpected voice ask.

"I do my best to not pay attention, Luna. You really need to temper your sister. She's done some pretty fucked up stuff this week."

She grimaced. "So I've heard. Twilight has talked to me about some of it, and you are correct. It gets like this every time she goes into heat, but it's so rare that there are so many ponies in the castle for her to toy with."

"Right now Spike and I are going to wrap sex toys that we've been ordered to give Cadance for her wedding."

That stopped Luna. "What."

"Well, you may have heard what happened last night. I got drugged and Spike was drunk off his ass. Between the two of us, we ended up sending Celestia something like fifteen sex toys through Spike's magic. I don't know if she woke up every time we sent them, but I know she was kind of pissed when we saw her earlier today."

"While humorous, that is very concerning. Don't give those nasty things to Cadance. If you tell me where they are, I'll take care of them."

"My room, under my bed. I'll just have Spike destroy them. Saves you from having to wander around with them."

"No, I will deal with them, in case Celestia asks what happened. Thank you for telling me this, Nav. Now, under what circumstances were you drugged?"

"Spike and I left the bachelor party last night for a wilder party. The bartender gave us both drinks on the house. Mine was drugged."

"I see. And the name of this bar? And the name of the bartender?" Her tone was icy.

"I honestly don't remember. I don't remember anything after the bachelor party. And Spike was too drunk to catch it." _Hint hint, Spike._ As it turns out, that was actually true. Or at least, he was smart enough to catch the hint.

"I see." Oh man, I felt like I should be shivering in my armor from her tone. "Navarone, we have things to discuss." She looked at Taya and Spike. "Alone, I believe would be best."

"Go on back to the party, you two. We'll be there at the rehearsal, probably. And if not, blame the space goblins."

"…Space goblins?" Spike asked.

"Yes. Now go on." They went, Spike shaking his head and Taya looking back a few times. I turned back to Luna and said, "I fucked up big time this week, didn't I?"

She sighed. "Come on, Nav." We continued walking. _What am I going to do with this box?_ I casually chucked it down the first staircase we passed. Luna didn't comment. "The only real mistake you made was allowing Chrysalis anywhere near your mind. Everything since then has been a consequence of that. However, what you did kicked the door open for Celestia and me to begin negotiations with her. So I suppose you did your job as a knight well, even before you were knighted."

"Do you really think that forgives the way I've been acting? I've done some really strange stuff this week, Luna."

"Shining Armor has been… off… as well, Nav. More free and wild than he usually is. You just haven't noticed because you haven't been around him. We think it's a side effect of what Chrysalis did. And there's also the fact that you're a human rather than a pony. Chrysalis mentioned how your memories alone taste about as good as raw emotions. There have barely been any tests done between her kind and ours, so we have no idea what she might do to a human."

"That makes me feel a little better, I suppose. What did you want to talk about?"

"What will happen tomorrow. You are going to get several physical changes automatically, upon me knighting you. All of them are reversible should you later decide you don't like them. I just don't want you to be surprised by them. They shouldn't be painful, but some of them will be jarring."

"What can I expect?"

"I know your eyes will turn dragon-like, so you are able to see in the dark. Your wings will turn bat-like, like my guards. Your skin will turn darker. Your armor will also grow lighter. Those are all the changes that appeared to ponies that took my colors. But… I don't know about a human. My changes usually made ponies appear more fearsome, so be prepared for anything."

"Alright. I'll want my wings and skin turned back. The eyes will be okay."

She sighed. "The ponies of old seldom kept my gifts either." _Well, get some better fucking gifts._

"It would take forever to explain the significance of skin color to humans, so you're not winning that argument. I can keep the bat wings for a week, if you want me to try them out. Not having to preen or molt will be nice, admittedly. Do you know if they'll have the same… Well, sensitivity, as my wings now?"

She blushed lightly. "They should. I've never… Never tested them. And none of my knights of old ever told me."

"I'll figure it out. I can let you know if you want. I know I've liked having wings at all, despite how much I hated them when I got them." I stretched them out, marveling slightly at the feel. "Something every human on my planet ever dreamed of, and I wanted them gone immediately. They're nice, I can say that." I pulled them back in. "Soft, too."

She grinned at that. "Nav… are you doing anything tomorrow night after the wedding?"

"I'm getting knighted after the wedding."

"You know what I mean."

"I was planning on going to my room and getting very, very drunk."

"Nav, that's not healthy!"

"And I never wanted to be a knight. I want to do this so I get so drunk that I do something stupid enough to get my knighthood revoked."

"I'm not going to let you do that to yourself, Nav."

"What did you have in mind to stop me? Dinner? We can go out if you want."

She caught her breath. "Of cou—No. As my only knight, you have a very important job, a job that I have been looking forward to dealing with for a long time." She sounded excited with her initial outburst, but that excitement died down and then slowly built up a bit. "You see, it is not only my job to bring up the moon." _Yeah, right._ "I also have some manner of control over dreams. I can, at the very least, see into them. But doing so requires an object of extreme power that has been abandoned." She snorted. "I want to say _lost_, but my idiot sister knew where it was the whole time but didn't feel like telling me until you decided you were going to be _my _knight." Ah, sibling rivalry. "After the wedding, you—and a group of my guards—are going to retrieve it."

"Why do I need guards?"

She looked at me like I was stupid. "It's big. And since it's in the Everfree forest, I figured a bit of extra protection would be nice." Oh fun. I'm going to that hellhole.

"So you said I had a job to do or something. Is my job to just help them ferry this thing back?"

"Very funny." She didn't sound amused. "I have been disconnected from it for a long, long time. You and I are going to reconnect to the device."

That sounds ominous. "So uh… why was it abandoned?"

"Because Celestia was too afraid to connect to it." Oh yeah. That was totally ominous.

"And what's the point of this thing again? I've still been having dreams since I got here; why do we need this thing?"

"Yes. _You _have been having dreams. You are not a pony. Most ponies do not dream anymore, Navarone. There are a few isolated incidents and there are a few ponies that have the occasional dream. I believe your friend Pinkie is one of them, though she wishes she was not. Most ponies know of dreams, of course, but they don't actually have them. We are going to change that tomorrow night."

"So what exactly does connecting to this thing entail? And why do you need me?"

"I need you because you are going to keep me safe while I do the hard work. We enter into a world of dreams and fight our way to dream master, essentially. There is a lot more to it than that, of course, but it is impossible to describe. Just be ready for absolutely anything." That's really, really ominous.

"So what kind of control do you get over the dreams when we wrestle this monster down?"

"I can do anything, really. I usually leave it on a pleasant setting, trying to minimize nightmares. However, I can take active control if I want, inserting messages at will. And I can enter individual dreams as well. Normal dreams are chaotic and unformed, but when I enter they become more normal and the pony dreaming gains control."

"That's pretty neat. So if we're both connected to this thing, what will that do to me?"

"I don't know. You might be able to use it afterwards, if you learned how. It uses surprisingly little magic; I honestly don't know much about the artifact, and Celestia knows even less. There are no books anywhere about it and there is nothing else to indicate what it does. We learned what it did through trial and error." She blushed. "A lot of errors. Ponies were dreaming about… About Celestia and I doing… _things _to each other… It was horrible."

"Are we talking sexy things or scary things?" At her blush I knew. "Nice. Can we do that again?" She gave me a look of horror. "Just asking! I mean, I know she's in heat because she's been hitting on me all week. She suggested a foursome with you, me, Chrysalis, and her."

"She told you about that?" She sounded rather disturbed.

"Yeah. In front of Chrysalis, who seemed to like the idea."

She sighed. "I told her you wouldn't be interested."

"Whoa now, who said that?" Her head jerked up at me. "If you're interested, I'd totally be down." Her blush seemed to be creeping down her neck. "Uh… Are you okay? We don't have to do it if you don't want to, Luna. Honestly, I think the two of them could probably do it together and never miss us."

"You've had a busy week, haven't you?" she asked in a strained voice.

"Yeah. It has been interesting. I regret some of it. Some of it I don't. I hope Pinkie has those pictures of Rainbow Dash in Celestia's crown saved somewhere…" Some of the tenseness in Luna's body dissolved at that. "You need a masseuse or something. You're really tense."

"I'm fine, Nav." Her body eased up a little more. "Perhaps after we take control of the dream artifact, you can… help me _relax_."

"I like the sound of that." I paused for a moment. "Damn, I think I have some kind of spell on me or something. All this week I've been thinking about getting laid, even though I'm still not sexually attracted to ponies."

"You know… there might be a spell on you. Celestia sure did take her time testing you that morning. I can check if you want."

"By all means. I've been feeling weird for a while. I thought it was just Chrysalis's mind-fuckery."

We stopped and she leaned her head in, touching my forehead with her horn. After a moment she gasped and pulled back, reeling a bit. "There are four spells on you! All of them increase libido, both in you and in mares near you! How…" Her eyes narrowed. "Oh. I can't dispel all four of these right now. Two of them are monstrously powerful. I can, however, get rid of two of them." She leaned in close again and her horn lit up even brighter. I felt a tugging at my mind as something went loose, and a ripping as something else was torn away. She pulled away and I shook my head, trying to clear it a bit. "I know one of them was from Celestia. I suspect one of them was from Twilight. Do you know where you got the other two?"

"I was drugged last night. There's no telling what happened." One of them was probably Chrysalis. The other… who knows?

"Hm. Well, I feel better already. I was wondering why I heard so many servants whispering about you. Now I know."

"Do you know how old any of the spells are?"

"The strongest is over two weeks old. I suspect she hit you with it before you left for the Maris party. It will be hard to remove even when I am at my best. Tell her to remove it tomorrow, before the wedding. I'll remove the other one later tonight."

"Later tonight? Ooh, does that mean you're going to wait until after you and I… relax?"

"Ugh. I should just remove it now…"

"That's not a no."

She smiled. "You're right. It's not. You'll have to show me how your armor comes off… For now, though, we need to get to the rehearsal thing. Just one more thing before we go." She bent in and touched my breastplate with her horn. It glowed brightly and the entire thing felt insanely lighter.

She pulled her head up with a small smile that turned into a gasp as I grabbed her in another embrace and pulled her forward to kiss me. Again, her tongue didn't fight back as mine explored her mouth. After a moment I pulled back. She was panting lightly.

"What did I tell you about eating cupcakes for breakfast?" I asked with another smirk.

"One of these days you're going to have to tell me why you keep invading my mouth," she panted. "But for now… I like it." She used magic to push me against the wall, grating my armor against the stone. She walked up in what was probably a seductive manner and planted a kiss on my face. She pulled back almost instantly, grinning. "That's all you get for now. So let's go." Her magic let me go and her horn glowed again as we teleported to the Royal Overlook thing where the wedding was to take place.

We were actually the first ones there. I was tempted to ask her to continue, but I didn't really want to risk anyone stepping in on that.

"So where exactly is this dream thing in the Everfree forest, anyway?"

"It is in our ancient castle. It has been a few years since anypony that I know of has been there, and it _is _in that horrid forest. It is possible that some forest creatures have taken residence in the castle. You and the guards will clear them out if they have."

"Easy enough. While we're going there, is there anything else we need to loot from that place?"

"Yes. Most of the guards will go to the chamber with the artifact. You and a few others will continue on into the castle and see how many of my ancient belongings remain intact."

"So, what? We looking for thousand year old panties or something a bit more substantial?"

"What _are _these panties you keep speaking of?"

"They're things chicks from my world wear under their pants or skirts. Unless they're whores or just like going commando like me."

"A whore like you, or somepony that likes going… commando?" I shrugged. "But no. You are looking for things other than clothing."

"Cool. Any specifics?"

"Yes. But I will not tell you what just yet." I shrugged again. "Ah, here they come. Tell me, have you ever been at a wedding before?"

"Yeah. I've been the best man, the camera man, a guest, a ring bearer, and a groomsman. And now I get to give the bride away. The only thing left for me is to get married myself, now." With that, I walked down the long red carpet to meet the group coming in.

If you've seen one wedding rehearsal you've pretty much seen them all. The three Crusaders were the flower girls. Twilight was apparently the best 'man.' Her friends were the bridesmaids—I don't know what happened to the original three. Spike was the ring bearer. Celestia was the 'priest.' Cadance and Shining Armor were getting married. And I was giving the bride away.

Pretty simple, all things told.

The knighting ceremony was just as simple. Luna took Celestia's place and called me forward. I went, knelt, repeated some words after her, she tapped me a few times with her horn, and then she passed a pillow with a broomstick on it. My real weapon wouldn't be given to me until tomorrow. I didn't even know what it was, though I suspected a sword. I was told to not bring my sword, crossbow, or bolts, though I was going to stash my crossbow in the Overlook before the ceremony began, just in case.

Anyway, that was that. It took nearly a bloody hour, too. Celestia and Luna left to go 'change the sun and moon,' leaving the rest of us to our own devices.

I tracked down Twilight. "I need you to look at my mind," I told her.

She looked at me blankly. "With the week you've had, no."

"Luna told me Celestia and three other unicorns did something to me. Something about spells that increase libido. Luna was able to remove some of them, but I want to know if you can find anything she missed."

Twilight's eyes went wide. She stepped closer and her horn lit up. "Oh my. Yes, this does explain quite a bit. These two are frighteningly strong, too. This one is somewhat old… Celestia's, probably. This one is newer… Chrysalis, maybe? It looks odd, so I'm going to assume yes. I might be able to… No. I can't budge them, Nav. Why would Chrysalis have done this to you, though?"

"Twilight, I'm not gonna lie: I totally tapped dat ass. And my God it was hot." She looked disgusted. "I wasn't in my right mind, so it's okay! And you put one of the four spells on me, so you can't judge."

"I WHAT?!"

"There were four spells in there. One of them was yours, or so Luna thought. It would make sense, given the horrible things you did to me when you were under the effects of love poison." And why they hurt but felt so good. "One of them was probably fr—Well, never mind about that. Is this really something Celestia would do, though?"

"This is the worst she's ever been, as far as I know," Twilight said. "I can't wait for her to get out of heat. This is terrible."

"Terrible for me, you mean! You don't even remember what happened to you!"

"That doesn't mean I don't know it happened! Navarone, I know this may seem… like, well, a terrible idea, but maybe you should just go and… Ugh. 'Tap' Celestia. It might calm her down."

I looked at her. She looked at me. "It wouldn't be the first time," I said aloud. She flinched. "What? Even immortal sun goddesses need to get laid. And if you really think it would help calm her down, I can totally use the spell she put on me."

"You're terrible, you know that?" She sighed, shaking her head. "I know it should work, though. It worked for…" She blushed again. "Well, you know." Twilight has requested my services in the past for dealing with her feelings while she was in heat. I was able to calm her down for a few days.

I rarely know when a mare is in heat, but I've begun paying attention to where stallions go and when. Most of them do their best to avoid areas near the mare. In a large town like Ponyville, that leaves a lot of empty spaces since there isn't an official Estrus season. It's the reason a lot of stallions don't bother living in places with a lot of mares, and why there aren't that many of them in Ponyville. And that's why couples like Lyra and Bon-Bon are considered acceptable.

Anyway… "I'm willing to take that hit for the team, Twilight," I answered her with mock graveness. "Just don't tell anyone. I'll do it tomorrow before the wedding. Now, I believe I have things to attend to." A Taya to put to bed and a night princess to play with.

Taya was easy. Luna was easier, but in a different sense. Bow chicka wow wow.

If you ever tell anyone I wrote that… Well, it's a good thing I'm dead if you're reading this.

The morning found me back at my writing desk, working on plagiarizing more stuff. I was tired of Shakespeare and decided to move on to Lewis Carol. I was having a lot more fun than I should have, copying his stuff.

And then Taya woke up from the first real sleep my bed had gotten this entire trip. I set down what might well have been the last quill I would ever make from myself and looked around at her. _I've been here too long. Fillies and colts actually look cute now instead of like small ponies. Still gonna avoid babies, though._ "You finally up? Took you long enough."

"Let me guess: You've been waiting all night?"

"How ever did you know? Although I did leave for a bit; I had things to take care of." She muttered something. "I am sorry to say that after the knighting ceremony I'll have to leave Canterlot for a little while. If all goes well I should get back within a few hours, but then I'll be comatose for who knows how long dealing with something else. I just wanted to warn you so you could find something else to do."

"Okay." Not 'where are you going' or 'will you be safe.' Just 'okay.'

"And I'll also have a few physical changes after the knighting ceremony. My wings should change, my skin color should change, and my eyes should change. The skin color won't remain changed long, but I'll keep the wings for a little while to see about them. The eyes I'll probably keep."

"Okay." That's kind of starting to get annoying.

"Do you want a hug?"

"Yes." That's better. I walked over to the bed and hugged her. She let me go and managed to scamper onto my shoulders somehow. "Now, onwards to breakfast!"

"Fine. But when you finish eating I need to go and have a talk with Celestia. She needs to correct a mistake she made. You can go on to the library or to Chrysalis or something, but it's something I need to see her alone about."

"Okay." For fuck's sake.

As we walked through the halls, I started hearing music. "Not again…" We hit a wall of servants, dancing about the halls and singing and whatnot about weddings and marriage and all that fun stuff. We continued, unabated. We ran into Cadance, singing what was probably a duet with Shining Armor somewhere in another part of the castle. It was at that point that I noticed all the servants we ran into were mares. We continued on our way.

When we got to the dining hall, we found all the males and Shining Armor, still singing. I sighed and set Taya down so she could make her way to the buffet or whatever.

The song was winding down around the time she got back. When it finished, I gently clapped. It was pretty alright.

Shining Armor saw me and Taya and trotted over. "Hey Nav. About the bachelor party… what the hell happened? I got woken up by two snickering mares to find out that I was being spooned by a male night guard! And I was in a whole world of pain, worse than anything the changeling monster could have done."

"You got drunk, dude. That's what happens when you start drinking flaming shots."

"What's… a flaming shot?"

"A shot of alcohol is a small glass of it. Small for humans is…" I reached over and grabbed one of Taya's forelegs and set it on the table. "About the size of her hoof." I let her go. "For you guys, it's about the size of a regular cup. And a flaming shot is a shot of alcohol that is literally on fire. Spike was lighting those bastards up and you were drinking them. It was pretty awesome."

His face grew pale. "I… drank fire?"

"Kinda, yeah. I'm surprised you have any facial fur left. You're lucky you woke up next to that night guard. If some of your friends had their way, you would have woken up with me." He blanched. "I should mention before you think unpleasant thoughts: I woke up in a pile of thirty mares." His mouth dropped. "Yeah, that was my opinion on the matter. Dude, I left your bachelor party with that mare that showed us all about wings. She took me to a party in some club and I got drugged. I don't remember what happened, but I'm pretty sure I got laid. A lot. If you had been there, you would have gotten laid a lot too. So yeah, be glad you woke up with that night guy."

"You got drugged?!" he said, his voice sounding hoarse. "You should have told me sooner, Nav! I'dve locked up the guy that did it and all the mares that participated!"

"Hey, I didn't say that I regretted it. I can't get anyone pregnant and pony diseases are incompatible with my body. I've gotten so much fucking tail this week, man… It's been awesome." I never realized it before, but saying 'I got tail' actually has a whole new meaning now.

"They broke the law! They need to be punished!"

"Good luck getting anything out of me. I ain't gonna tell you a thing, and I _dare _you to try to read it from my mind."

He grit his teeth. "You asked for it." His horn glowed brightly and I felt something invade my mind. This wasn't like Celestia's invisible presence, digging around, or like Chrysalis's presence, ghosting through my mind. This was a brute force, trying to find anything it could get its hands on.

And because of that, he wasn't expecting me to give him all the images of every time I had sex with Twilight.

Shining Armor recoiled in horror, retching. "You… sick… Ew!" He shuddered one last time. He growled and his horn glowed bright again as he ripped into my mind.

Which made it really easy to give him the images of me fucking Chrysalis. This time he actually vomited.

"If you do that again I'll make you scream like a little girl," I warned him. "I don't want to do that before your wedding, so please, for your sake, stop."

With a beastly yell, he ripped his head around and his horn glowed one last time. He entered my mind to find two doors. He looked at them both. "_What is this?_" he beamed into my mind.

"_Don't do it,_" I whispered back. The whispers echoed in the emptiness of my mind, thousands of times, and then millions, turning into little more than an inarticulate murmur that sounded somewhat like gentle laughter. His presence snarled and ripped into the door on the left.

And he experienced the full feeling of being branded, raped, scratched, violated, tattooed, pierced, and a few other things. He fell to the floor screaming. It's just as well, I suppose; the other door was me having sex with Celestia.

"I warned you. Let's go, Taya." We left as a group of servants ran over to check on Shining Armor. "I really didn't want to do that to him on his wedding day," I mused aloud as we walked to the throne room.

"You warned him."

"That doesn't make it right, Taya. I could have easily hidden everything from his relatively untrained mind. He may be the captain of the royal guard, but he doesn't know much about reading minds. He pierced me with brute force, trying to bully his way in. I could have easily hidden everything from him and let him wander the void for hours. Instead, I chose to strike back. Was that wrong of me?"

"I don't think so, no. He attacked you. He has no right to complain about losing."

"That is what you and I think, at least. But will the law agree? I'll ask Celestia before I ask her anything else. Are you going to the library?" She nodded. "I'll see you there, hopefully. If I do get in trouble… Tell Pinkie Pie I need her to stay sane and to take care of you. Trust me; when the chips fall, Pinkie's the only one of that bunch I'm willing to trust with my life. If you don't want to trust her, go to Chrysalis."

"If you get in trouble, I'm breaking you out and we're running to changeling territory."

"You know what… Yes. If I get arrested for this shit, fuck the ponies. They can deal with their own damn problems." She smiled.

I got into the throne room with no problem. There wasn't a crowd to see her because of the wedding. "Celestia, I may have assaulted the captain of the guard."

She looked down at me from her dais. "Explain."

"I told him how I got drugged. He demanded names. I told him no and he tried to reach into my mind. I gave him a few memories he didn't like. When I left he was on the floor screaming."

"Navarone, do you even _know _any names of the ponies that did anything to you?"

"Nope. I just know the name of the mare that brought me to the party, and she was innocent, or so Pinkie and Spike told me."

"I see. Was Shining Armor in uniform?"

"He was wearing something, but it wasn't armor."

"Then he's not on duty. You defended yourself against an unlawful mental intrusion by what amounts to a civilian. What images did you give him?"

"Promise you won't be mad." She just looked at me. "I gave him images of me and Twilight having sex, me and Chrysalis having sex, and everything Kat did to me." Her eyes widened at that last one. "That's why he was on the floor screaming."

"You probably mentally scarred him for life, Nav! Don't you think that was a little much?"

"I had warned him two or three times. He dug into my mind three times. You really need to train him better; he had no finesse at all."

She sighed. "I will go and deal with this. You stay here. Where was he last?"

"Dining hall." She strode out. The two guards that habitually watch her left, one of them glaring at me.

I wandered around the throne room, looking for one of the hidden doors that I knew had to be there. I figured they would be well hidden, which is why I wasn't surprised when I didn't find anything. Celestia came back half an hour later.

"Navarone, come here." I went up to her. We disappeared, leaving the guards behind.

I looked around to find that we were in her room. "You, Celestia, need to get laid. And then you need to remove your spell on me."

She smirked. "You've had fun this week, though! Seducing Twilight. Seducing Chrysalis. Making Cadance run away. Seducing an entire party full of mares. Quite a naughty colt, aren't you?"

I smiled. "So where are my whips and chains?"

Her smile deepened. "I thought you'd never ask."

My duties taken care of, I went to go take a shower, put on my armor and most of my weapons, and then find Taya. Then we went to store my crossbow in the overlook.

While we were in the overlook, I said to Taya, "I want you to not be anywhere near Chrysalis and Doppel today and tomorrow. Now what's the code word?"

"Bacon."

"Okay. The code word is now 'watch.' If they are going to make a move, they will make it either today or tomorrow. I'm sure Celestia has something planned for them, but I will not take chances. After the wedding, go to the reception. It'll be public and there will be plenty of food. Avoid Shining Armor because he's probably still mad."

We spent the rest of the day up until the wedding right there in the overlook. There was quite a lot to look at, and I got a bit of practice flying in armor.

The wedding came and went. It was alright. Quite a lot of guests. Really, it was just another wedding. Shining Armor was too busy giving looks of adoration to Cadance to glare at me.

The knighting ceremony, though… "Navarone, come forth," Luna called. I marched forward, my armored feet making loud thumps even on the carpeted floor. "Kneel." I went down on one knee. "Navarone, do you swear to serve me, Princess Luna, in all I say and command?"

"I swear to serve you, Princess Luna, in all you say and command." I wish I didn't have to say that, and I swear I felt bands of steel tighten around my soul.

"Do you swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within?"

"I swear to defend Equestria against all enemies from without and within." Easy enough. Ponies are pretty defenseless, and the only real monsters come from the Everfree. Getting sent abroad, though…

"Do you swear to come when needed to assist me in whatever I require?" I don't remember that being part of the ceremony. From Celestia's look, she didn't either.

"I swear to come to you when needed to assist you however you require." An odd thing to add.

Her horn glowed brightly and came down to my shoulder once. I felt a searing heat on my wings, starting at their base and working their way out. There was a collective gasp from the crowd. Luna's head moved to my other shoulder. I felt my skin drain of color, turning a very dark grey. My eyes began to water and itch and the few shadows I could see began to draw back. Her horn shifted to the first shoulder she touched. My mouth exploded with blood and I flinched at the pain, letting out a gasp that splattered blood on the floor.

Luna and Celestia were the only ones in front of me, thank God, and even they gasped at that. Thankfully no one else could see the blood I just spit out and the carpet was red anyway. Luna quickly recovered and her horn glowed again, summoning a red towel for me. I grabbed it with a shuddering grasp and wiped my mouth, spitting blood and trying to find out what happened. I couldn't feel anything through my gauntlets.

She used that time to pull a pillow out from behind her. On it was a case. She set the pillow down to her side and pulled the top off the case. When I had my mouth clean and the rag tucked away, Luna's voice rang out again. "Rise, Sir Navarone, Knight of the Lunar Order." I got to my feet, finally noticing how different my wings felt. "Your weapon, Sir Knight." She used magic to pull a massive and very dark looking axe from the case beside her. _An axe? Color me surprised. A brutal weapon._ I reached out and grasped it from the air with both hands. It was honestly surprisingly light, and I assumed she had it enchanted or something.

"Stand by my side, sir knight," she called one last time. I did as she asked, holding the axe in one hand. I turned to face the crowd and there was another large gasp; none of them had seen my skin turn colors with all the armor covering me. Given how small my eyes were in comparison to theirs, they probably didn't even notice the difference there. I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut.

And that's when I actually felt it. _Holy fuck, my canines are gigantic!_ Luna said her knighting thing makes people more fearsome. What better way to make an omnivore that lives among herbivores scarier than by reminding everyone that he can eat meat?

And that was pretty much that. Everyone left but me, Luna, and Taya. When the last guest was gone, I pulled one of my gauntlets off and poked at my teeth. "Luna, what the fuck is this?" I asked, noting how ridiculously sharp they were.

"Those are big teeth," she answered.

"No shit, Sherlock! That hurt like a bitch, too! Still does." She bent down and turned my skin color back.

"Do you want me to change your teeth, too?"

I ran my tongue over them again. _I could hide them for a while. They would be noticed eventually._ "Taya, what do you think?"

"Keep them."

"I'll let you know later, Luna." I stretched out my wings, noting how odd they felt. "These things are cold compared to my wings. My other wings, I mean." The new ones were purple and black, similar to my armor. "So when do we leave?"

"Have you spoken with Celestia?"

"Aye."

"Then right now, my loyal knight."

I looked down at the axe that I had laid against my leg. "Where am I going to put this thing? Also, an axe? Really?"

Her horn glowed and a belt came out of the case. There was a loop that the axe would fit in. I suppose I should describe the damn thing, since it's 'my badge of office' or some shit. It had a long haft that ended in a very broad head. At the top of the haft, above the blade, was a pointy spike. At the bottom of the haft was a dull spike. I ran my finger lightly over the blade and nodded with a smile. _Sharp_.

I grabbed the belt out of the air. "Yes, an axe," she answered. I slung the belt over a shoulder and noted how small it was; it wouldn't fit.

I passed it to Taya. "I need that to fit around my body, like my sword belt." She did magic to it and passed it back. I slung it around my body easily that time and hung the axe up.

"You know that was supposed to go around your waist, right?" Luna asked.

"I don't wear big weapons there because I never use them. I keep the weapons I use at my waist. Or around my shoulder. Speaking of which…" I went to where I hid the crossbow and the bolts and grabbed them. I sighed as the familiar weight settled on me.

"I didn't know you were going to hide… _those _here," Luna said with a bit of distaste. "You're supposed to use your axe!"

"I don't even know how to use a sword. Why would I know how to use an axe?"

Her left eye twitched. "What kind of knight are you?"

"The reluctant kind. I didn't want to be knighted. I didn't—and don't—want armor. I didn't want a new weapon. I told all of you this and you made me do this shit anyway. I'll play your dog and pony game, but don't expect me to like it."

"Well. You are _mine _now. Now let's go." She lifted her wings and dove out of the overlook.

"Go to the reception, Taya. I'll be back when I can." I jumped, hoping my new wings worked as well as the old. I didn't hear Taya's answer, if she had one.

Luna led me to a large courtyard where it looked like a group of her royal guards was preparing for war. We landed among them and they pretty much ignored us. Luna strode up to an area that was raised above the rest for some reason and called for attention. All the guards stopped what they were doing and looked up at her.

She pointed to me. "That is Sir Navarone. He is my only knight. Don't let him die." They all looked at me for a moment before turning back to her. She had stopped pointing, at least. "Now, you all are going into the Everfree forest to the site of the old castle. You are going to recover an artifact of immense power. No pony knows what might be residing in the castle right now, but we don't think there is anything there; that is where the… Well, never mind about that. We believe the site to be clear. But just because we think that does not make it true. No pony goes anywhere alone. If you must break into teams, break into teams so each pony group is represented." In terms of pony races, the earth pony is the tank, the pegasus is your DPS, and your unicorn is your all-around mage. "Now go."

All the earth ponies and the unicorns piled into dark, evil looking chariots. The unicorns used their magic to hook the pegasi up. They took off and I went with them, just flying alongside the others. I loaded my crossbow in the air, just in case. I wasn't expecting anything to fly out of the forest to attack us, but I knew manticores could.

It wasn't until we were over the forest did I realize she never told me what she wanted me to loot. I figured she gave one of the guards a list. I was also assuming she gave them directions, and a description of the artifact we were hunting.

It took us about forty-five minutes to fly to the location. We set up outside of the castle ruins. There didn't appear to be anything, but everyone was on edge anyway.

"Alright, so who knows what we're looking for?" I asked aloud.

They all looked at me blankly. "You mean you don't?" one of them finally asked.

"No one ever tells me shit. What's the description?"

"She didn't tell us. We figured she would tell you."

I looked at them. They looked at me. I turned to look at the castle for a moment and then back to them. "If any of you feels like flying back and telling her we can't figure this out, by all means. I'm going in there and exploring. It's an ancient mysterious magical artifact that's probably dangerous. How hard can it be to find?" They looked at each other. A few of them shrugged. "Oh, and if we find any riches or anything, you guys get ten percent." That got their attention.

I looked back to the castle. There was a closed portcullis there. "One of you unicorns get this thing out of my way." I unslung my crossbow as someone hit the thing with a fireball, sending its corroded form crashing down and burning most of the ancient wood.

Oh, and I'll go ahead and say this: There were thirty guards here with me. Seven even teams of the three races and nine other pegasi for chariots.

"One team stay back here and watch the chariots," I told them. "Three of the chariot pegasi, stay with them. The rest of you, come on." Each 'team' was composed of one earth pony, one unicorn, and one pegasus. I started into the castle courtyard, walking over the red-hot portcullis without even feeling it in my boots. They followed me, their hooves protecting them from the heat.

I was really hoping there wouldn't be anything here, if the portcullis was down. But then, nothing with wings should have been stopped from getting in. And it would be a pretty good safe place from things without wings because it's enclosed.

"I have a bad feeling about this," one of the pegasus ponies muttered.

"Keep it to yourself," I told him. "I ain't gonna have you jinxing us." I looked around the courtyard. It was very overgrown. "Watch out for snakes and blue flowers. Can one of you trim this grass or something?" One of the unicorns lit up and a blue fire began flying across the ground, destroying all the plants—and hopefully any critters lying in wait. "Not what I meant, but that works."

We pushed in further. There were doors dotted around. Some of them seemed to lead to the walls while a few of them led into the castle proper. "Does anyone have a map of this damn place?" I asked.

One of them walked towards me and reached into his pack, pulling out a paper. I looked at it and it was most definitely a map. A thousand year old map. I looked at it and looked up and around me. This place had changed in a thousand years. I don't know if it was Everfree mind-fuckery or if a thousand years of corrosion and whatnot just started dropping the palace to pieces, but it was different. I looked at the map again.

"Okay, this thing was actually labeled for us. That's good. Alright… Center doors. Go figure." We made our way up to the doors. They weren't there anymore, but there was at least a hole we could get through. The dust on the ground was scratched by claws and had a few paw imprints. "Well, we know we have a bit of company. No lights; we can all see in the dark and hopefully they can't. Anyone know what these tracks are?"

"Manticore," one guy said. "They aren't too dangerous if we stick together. They aren't pack animals, so we shouldn't run into too many."

"Good. Who knows how to use a map?" A unicorn raised his hoof. "You're the navigator. You and your team take point. Everyone else, be prepared to protect them and guide them out if we run into serious opposition."

"Shouldn't you lead?" one of them asked as the unicorn and his team went in, grabbing the map.

"I'll be right next to them," I answered as I followed the unicorn in. I made sure my crossbow was ready as we went into the darkness that wasn't actually so dark with my new eyes. "Where to?"

The unicorn started off down a long hallway. We followed, the rest of the teams spreading out a bit behind us. There didn't appear to be as many tracks this way, thankfully. We were all still just as careful, of course. After a few minutes we got to a crossing. Without prompting, the unicorn went to the left. We all followed. When we got to a staircase going down, he stopped.

"The map shows this as being our stop," he said, looking around.

"Does that mean what we're looking for is down there?" one of his team asked.

"Fuck if I know," I answered. "Let's go." And down we went.

And down.

And down.

"Okay, whoever designed this castle is a dick," I said after about fifteen minutes of descending.

"I don't know what you mean by that, but they are a jerk," the earth pony agreed.

"Alright, fuck this shit. Everybody, hold up." We all stopped. "Alright. The six chariot pegasi, come with me. Everyone else, continue." With that, I jumped down and let my wings carry me. The pegasi followed.

We fell for half an hour. Eventually I saw something moving ahead of us. I landed and tumbled a bit on the stairs, and the pegasi behind me did as well. I usually have a bit of a farther sightline than ponies, since I'm a predator. They usually have broader sightlines to make up for it. "Something moving up ahead," I warned them. They got ready and we began moving down as silently as a guy in plate mail and six ponies with hooves can move.

Which is probably why we didn't surprise the large group of night ponies going down. "Okay, what the fuck," I said aloud as we got close enough to realize we ended up behind the other group.

"Magic," a unicorn answered.

"Someone hit him," I said, turning around and looking back the way we came. Darkness. I looked back down. Darkness. "I don't suppose any of you unicorns know any dispelling stuff?" One of their horns glowed. The entire place fucking lit up, causing us all to wince in shock.

"That should do it," the unicorn said. "Whatever spell was here should be gone."

_Down or up?_ "We go down," I said. Down we went. Two minutes later we hit a drop.

Someone stuck his head down and barked a laugh. "We're back where we started," he said. "But there's a new door here."

_Dammit, Luna._ "Everyone back in the hall. Don't touch the door yet." We all hopped down. I looked down the stairs and saw nothing but darkness. I looked back and saw the same thing. "Fucking magic," I muttered. "Alright, is that door open?"

Someone checked it. "Locked."

"Can one of you unicorns remove it without blowing it up? Pick the lock, perhaps?"

One of them tried something. "Try it now." Nothing. "The door seems to be immune to magic."

"Well fuck. Can one of you earth ponies kick it in without knocking it off its hinges?"

Three of them walked up to it and gave it an appraising eye. One of them nodded and the other two backed off. The one in the center reared up on his front legs and kicked the door for all he was worth with his back legs. The door bulged but didn't open or crack. He stepped away from the door with a defeated air.

"Fuck it." I pulled the axe from my back. "Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in," I murmured as I took a few steps forward, hefting it. "Not by the hairs of your chinny chin chin? Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your ho—Wait." I stopped. "This place is magic, right?" I asked aloud. I got several nods.

I politely knocked on the door. It swung open. "Huh." I slid my axe onto my back and grabbed my crossbow from where I had set it.

"Well then, shall we?" I asked. One of them made to move. "Wait." They stopped. "I've seen this episode before." I set my crossbow down and pulled out my axe again. I jammed the blade into the door crack, to make sure it stayed open. I left it there and readied my crossbow. "Let's go."

I went in first. The door jerked, trying to slam shut. I heard a cracking sound around my axe blade. After a moment, the pressure on the door eased up and stopped entirely. The ponies followed me in. We appeared to be in a large storage room full of junk. "Alright, is there any way to detect magical items or something?" I asked.

"Yes, but it only works for unicorns," one of them said. After a moment, his horn lit up. Several objects in the room seemed to glow. "For anypony not familiar, the brighter the object is the more powerful it is."

"So we want that thing?" I asked, pointing to something that looked like a sun.

The unicorn gasped. "You can see it?"

"Yeah. You guys with the bags, grab everything the unicorns tell you is magic. Everyone else, try to figure out how to get the objective out." Me and a single squad approached it. "Any ideas?"

"Pick it up and take it," the earth pony answered.

"Works for me. Three earth ponies, over here." Two more joined our group. "See if you can pick this thing up." They went over to it and examined it from a few angles. The actual appearance of it was a statue. An odd statue. There was a hole at the base that looked like something could be fitted inside of it. The actual statue itself seemed to be of a kind of demon or something.

_Wait_. So much in this world seems to be based on mythology… Could it be… "Turn the magic finding spell off and shine some light on this thing," I ordered. They did so and I gasped. I brushed my fingers across the writing to be sure. "That's Greek for Morpheus. I'm sure of it!"

"So what does that mean?" one of the unicorns asked.

"That means that whatever this thing is, it comes from my world. Greek? Exact replication of Morpheus? No fucking way."

"Whatever. Can we get back to collecting this stuff?"

"Yeah…" He cast the magic finding spell again. The three earth ponies somehow managed to pick the statue up and set it down across their backs. The other guys seemed to have collected everything magic already. "Alright, let's go. Statue in the center, bags around it, everyone else on the outside. Move." When we got out of the room, I retrieved my axe and slid it back. The door slammed shut.

Someone muttered something about treasure as we walked back out. "Hey, I didn't say we were done in this castle," I commented aloud. "I'll take a poll when we get outside, staying and exploring versus leaving. If you guys vote to stay, we'll split up a bit and look for treasure." That calmed them down.

We got out with no problems and everything went into the chariots fine. "Alright, time for a vote. Who wants to stay and loot some more?" A little over half the hooves went up. "Alright. Two squads per group." That makes three groups, with one squad guarding the chariots. "Two spare pegasi go with each group. Break out the rope. We'll tie off lines at the entrance so no one gets lost. If anyone finds a frayed or torn rope that seems to lead off in the darkness, tug on it. If anyone finds that their rope is getting tugged, stop immediately and go back to find out why. From there, the two groups can either continue together or go back to tie off again. Any questions?"

"What do we do if we find hostiles?"

"Terminate them with extreme prejudice."

"What do we do if we find treasure?"

"Send the two pegasi down your rope line to the entrance and get me. I'll pull the lines and the other two groups will come out so they can help you retrieve it. Anything else?" Nothing. "You have five hours. Go." Off they went.

An hour after I sent them off, a manticore stalked out of the castle. I don't know how he missed the groups of ponies, but he was pissed. I readied myself for a fight but he just walked right past me without even seeing me. _Neat_. He took a few looks around the outside and noticed the portcullis down. With a roar, he charged it.

"Nope." I shot him in the back. He spun around looking all around for me. I stepped outside as I reloaded. He roared again, somehow not seeing me. I shot him in the throat while he was roaring.

By this time, the ponies guarding the chariots were pounding their way to me and the body. They froze when they saw me standing over the dead manticore, pulling out my bolts. I waved them back to their positions.

For some reason, when I smelled the blood of the manticore, I started salivating. _Well, I have fangs now…_ I made sure the ponies were gone. I pulled out my dagger and slit the manticore open. I sighed in pleasure at the smell before I realized what I was doing. I pulled the dagger up to my lips and tasted it. _Sweet. Luna is definitely removing these teeth when I get back._ I wiped the dagger on its coat and sheathed it, standing.

Another hour passed. Then another. A group of ponies came running and screaming out of the castle. They took a while to calm down, and it turns out they had dropped their rope.

When I finally got one calmed, he whispered, "Taraxippus…"

"Yeah, because that was really informative. What the fuck is that? And is anyone injured?" They were all fine, but none of them were able to tell me what they saw or ran into. "Is it dangerous, at least?" I finally asked. They looked at each other. One of them shook his head. "Then why did you run away?"

"We… we couldn't face it," one of them whimpered, going pale just at the memory.

I looked back into the castle. "How long did it take you to get back?" I asked.

"Ten minutes," one of them more clear-headed ones answered.

"And you dropped the rope as soon as you saw it?" They nodded. "Then I'm going to go kill it so you can explore some more."

"You can't kill a Taraxippus!" one of them said. "It's already dead!"

"But it's not dangerous?" They all shook their heads. "Then I'll go look at it." They sighed. "Don't go back in just yet. If one of the other groups comes back, go with them to help them get the treasure."

In I went, following the rope. It led off in a completely different direction than we originally went. Knowing that I had a lot of stamina, I just started off running. It was awkward in armor, but I managed. About fifteen minutes after I started, I got to where I was going.

"Hello?" I called out. I saw a bright silver object approaching. "Are you the… Taraxippus?"

"You aren't afraid," I heard. It was like a whisper brushing into my mind. "But then, you aren't equine, though you carry their scent. Part tree… part something."

"Part man. I might not be afraid, but I am somewhat concerned. What are you that can scare two squads of royal guards?"

"Equines are terrified of me. I do not know why. There was a creature here, a manticore. It was not afraid, but it was not intelligent. I have been alone for some time. Are you here to relieve my loneliness?"

"I kinda need to leave, sometime. Hey, do you know if there's any treasure here?"

It ignored the question. "You need to leave?" It pulled in closer, but all I could make out of it was a pale silver mist. "Why would you want to do that?"

"Well, I'll need to eat eventually. I also have a daughter that wants to see me. And I have a pretty important job that I need to do."

"I see. What year is it?" I told him. Her. It. Whatever. "It has been some time. I chose to reside in these ruins because I caused fear everywhere I went. I have been alone for seven hundred years here."

"That sucks. Why not go to the griffin kingdom? There aren't many ponies there, and I'm pretty sure it's just a few hundred miles north." They live in Canada.

"That is… an interesting thought."

"Or you could go and live with the dogs in the Diamond Dog mines. That's a few hours… oh, east from here, I believe. Or you could go to the naga caverns about a hundred miles west. Or you could get on a boat and go across the ocean to the cat lands in Africa. Really, if you gave up that quickly and you only scare ponies, there's kind of a problem, dude."

It was silent. "Wow. I'm an idiot," it finally said. "Seven hundred years of my unlife gone because I didn't explore enough."

"Well, we're all stupid sometimes, bro. We'll all be out of the castle in a few hours. Do you know where any treasure is?"

It seemed to sigh deeply. "Bring your rope. I will lead you to it." I grabbed the rope and followed behind it. It led me for about five minutes before stopped at a door. "Here."

I looked at the door. I tried opening it. Locked. I tried knocking. Nothing. "How do you get inside?" I asked it. It floated through the key hole. After a moment it floated back out. "Okay, how do _I _get inside?"

"Break it down?" I shrugged and grabbed my axe.

A few swings later, I was able to look inside. "_Here's Joh_—Oh shit!" Mounds of bits. Piles of gems. Several cases that contained who knew what. I pulled my head away and reached down to the door handle and opened it from that side. I eased the door open and whistled softly. "Well, ghost, you just made a bunch of rich men." It didn't answer. I looked around and saw that it was gone.

I shrugged and tied the rope off to the door handle and ran back to follow it. Twenty or so minutes later I emerged.

"Well?" one of the guards asked.

"We're all rich men," I answered with a grin. They cheered as I pulled the other two ropes. It took one group ten minutes and the other group half an hour. "Go get some more bags, guys. You're going to need them. Don't open any of the cases, just stuff them in bags. Take both of your ropes with you just in case something happens to the first one." They nodded and a few pegasi dashed off to get more bags from the chariots and off they all went.

An hour later they emerged, smiling ear to ear, each one toting bags.

"Alright guys, lay the bags of bits and gems out. Put the bags with the cases and anything else to the side." They did as I asked. "Okay. I promised you ten percent. Luna doesn't know about this. She didn't even know that I was going to go treasure hunting. So what she does not know cannot hurt her." There were ten bags of bits, each bursting. There was another ten bags of gems. "Because of that, and given the generous bounty here… Would anyone say no to twenty?" More cheers. With a smile, I continued, "I thought not. Take two bags of coins and two bags of gems and set them aside. Get everything else loaded up." They did as I ordered.

When they got the bags all loaded, they came back to me. "Okay. Who is the highest ranking officer here?" They all pointed at me. "Who is the highest ranking officer under me?" They pointed at a pegasus. "Do you have your own house?"

"Yessir."

"Alright. Everyone else, do you trust him to hold onto your loot for a few hours, until you all get off and can go pick up your share?" A chorus of agreement. "Okay. You load up these four bags into your chariot and drop it all off at your house. The rest of us will slow down so you have time to get back without too much suspicion, but hurry the fuck up anyway. Alright?" He nodded. "Let's go."

And off we went. By the time we got back to Canterlot it was dark. The officer took off with his chariot and all the ponies and loot in it and the rest of us slowed down a bit, circling the city. Ten minutes later he pulled back up and we went to the castle. We landed in the same courtyard we started in. Off in the distance I spotted the reception still going down.

"I want everything off these chariots. All the money and gems to one area, all the strange cases next to them, all the magical artifacts a bit away, and the strange statue in the center. Then get these chariots back where they're supposed to be. Five pegasi go and guard the money at that officer's house as soon as you drop the chariots off. The rest of you guard this area until I can get back with Luna." They all moved to do as I asked.

I jumped into the air and flew over to the reception, hoping I could sneak in, grab Luna, and sneak out. I started hearing music as soon as I got out of the courtyard. I flew over to a building overlooking the reception and looked down into it, trying to find Luna.

I saw Cadance and Shining Armor saying something to Twilight. After a moment, Cadance threw something. I followed whatever it was she threw and saw it land right at Luna's feet. _There she is._ She was bending down to pick it up as I leapt from the building. I landed right in front of her has she was standing up with a thing of flowers somehow attached to her front hoof. _Flowers at a wedding? Wh—Oh. I hope she doesn't see any symbolism there._

She dropped them in shock when I landed, anyway. Celestia was giggling. "We've got the statue thing," I told Luna. Her eyes widened. "And who knows how many other magical artifacts. And a shitload of treasure. It's all ready whenever you are."

"Good. Let's get out of this cursed party." She jumped into the air, leaving the bouquet there.

I tried following her, only to get stopped by a bit of magic holding my leg. "Are you just going to leave that there?" Rarity asked me, looking at the bouquet. "The way Luna was looking at you…" She smiled. "I think she might need one of her own soon!"

"Rarity… Let me go." She did with a huff and I followed Luna to the courtyard.

All of the chariots were gone by the time we got there and all of the bags were laid out, with the statue standing in the center of the courtyard. Luna was in front of it, grinning ear to ear. I landed next to her.

"Undamaged, unchanged, after all this time. Did you find it easily?"

"Yeah. There was a fucking illusion cast that made an endless staircase and hid the real door. We were going down that thing for nearly an hour before we figured it out. Then it took us a little while to figure out how to open the door. We ran into a manticore and something called… Taraxippus or something."

She gasped at that. "Those are rare! Very, very rare! How did you get around it?"

"I talked to him and gave him some directions."

She just gaped. After a moment she managed to say, "You _talked _with it? How?"

"You know, with my mouth? Words, and all that. Poor thing was lonely. Apparently all ponies are afraid of it as soon as they see it. Odd, but whatever."

"Interesting. Now, what is in the rest of these bags? You mentioned treasure."

I pointed to one grouping of bags. "Coins." I moved my finger. "Gems." I moved my finger again. "Cases of some kind. We didn't open them, just in case." I pointed to the last pile. "Magical items in the storeroom with the statue."

"Money and gems..." She looked at me, beaming. "I can finally have my own treasury! I won't be dependent on Tia anymore!"

"It's not much, though," I warned her. "I bet it cost that much to hold this fucking wedding."

"No, just one of those bags. But this money is old, Nav. Really old. It is worth quite a bit more. Now, these cases you spoke of. Where are they?" I pointed. We walked over to the pile of bags. She ripped one open with her magic and picked up one of the cases. "Books. Some are probably records, some are probably histories, some are probably spell books. Somepony else can go through them all later, after preserving spells have been cast on them. The magical artifacts?" We went over to them and she opened a bag and pulled something out. "Yes, everything of mine that I owned before… the exile. Perfect."

"So what now?" I asked.

"Now we move all of this away from this area and get it all stored away." She turned to her guards. "Take everything but the statue to my personal store room. After that, you are free until your assigned patrols. Thank you, guards." They all bowed and began to do ask she asked.

"So what do we do with the statue? I thought you wanted to connect to it as quickly as possible."

"We are going to take it to my room and connect there." She walked back over to it and picked it up with magic. "Heavy, as always. Shall we, Nav?"

With that, we began the trek to her room. On the way there, I remembered something. "Luna, there's something about that statue I think you should know."

"How could you know anything about it?"

"I recognize it from my world." She stopped and the statue slipped a bit.

"Explain."

I walked over to it and pointed out the Greek word. "That says Morpheus." I pointed at the statue. "That's a version of his mythological body. He was a Greek god, and had the ability to enter dreams."

"This isn't the first such instance of this, Navarone. It is odd, I grant you, especially given how old this statue is—or at least how old we think it is—but then everything about it is odd. Now let's go." We continued on.

We made it to her room with no problems. She set the statue up in her personal bedroom and put a cushion down in front of it. "It has been a very long time since I did this, Navarone. Taking this thing over again will be difficult, even with your assistance. Are you ready?"

"Is there anything more you can tell me about it, before we start?"

"It is a dream world. Just remember that it is all a dream. I don't know what will happen when we start this."

"Can we get hurt?"

"Oh, definitely. We can't die, of course, but there are worse things in life than dying. And whatever guards the statue knows that. Are you ready?"

What can you say to something like that? "Sure."

"Just hold onto my horn, then."

"Whoa now, I thought we got all that out of your system last night!" She gave me a look and rolled her eyes. I sighed and grabbed her horn. She lowered her head to the hole above the sign that said Morpheus and plugged it in.

I was in an ocean. I looked all around me wildly, trying to see anything. There was nothing but water as far as the eye could see. I looked down and saw blackness. The water was so deep I couldn't see the bottom; anything could be lurking in the depths and I would never know.

I felt something brush my leg and my body jerked.

I've never mentioned this before, but something like this is one of my deepest fears. To be surrounded by nothing on all sides but water, unable to see anything but the darkness below, where anything can live… It is a terrifying thought.

I tried pushing myself up high enough to use my wings, but I was still in my plate armor. The only reason I was afloat at all was because of how light it was, but I didn't think I would be able to actually fly out of the water with it.

I felt something else brush my legs, harder.

_This is just a dream, she said_. I closed my eyes. _Take me to Luna. I will open my eyes and I will be there next to her._

I opened my eyes. Still in the ocean. Fuck you too, Luna. That something hit my legs again. "Fuck you!" I pulled out my dagger, waiting for it to strike again. For a while nothing happened.

I closed my eyes. _I have wings. They _will _work, water be damned._ I started beating them, trying to get higher. I slowly rose out of the water, and that thing brushed me again. I raised my legs out and continued pushing with my wings until I was fully above the water, when I gave one more great thrust, clearing the water entirely and getting several feet above it.

Holy shit. I looked down to where I was and saw masses of jellyfish._ Another great fear of mine. Fun_. I was now very thankful for this armor. _Fuck your cnidocytes, jellies!_ Oh God, I can't believe I still know that word, after all these years away from biology.

I soared away from the area, sheathing my dagger. Water leaked from my armor, falling to the ocean in salty drops. _That's gonna rust so hard. _I looked around and hoped that since I was higher I could see more. Nothing.

_There's going to be an island ahead of me. On it will be some very sexy native chicks that will worship the winged metal man and give him all the sex he could want._

I looked ahead again. There was an island, all right. I grinned, hoping the rest of it came true. I landed on the beach and walked in a bit, looking around. I spotted a chicken peeking out of the mass of trees.

_Wait. I wanted sexy _chicks _here. Oh fuck._ The chicken darted its head back in the foliage for a moment, and suddenly the tree line exploded with chickens rushing at me, clutching makeshift spears.

_Nope, I'm out._ I jumped into the air and flew away from the island.

"Alright, let's try that again but with humans." I paused in the air. "Wait, I should be finding Luna." I thought back. If I was in some place _I _was afraid of… Then Luna would be on the moon.

I closed my eyes. _The moon will have atmosphere. An atmosphere I can survive in. When I open my eyes, I will be on the moon._ I opened my eyes and saw black and white all around. I took a hesitant breath in, and slowly let it out. "Smells funny, but I'm here. Now, where would Luna be on the moon?"

I looked around again and saw nothing. "Fuck. This is gonna take a while. Wait…" I closed my eyes. _When I open my eyes, I will be able to see considerably farther and around the curvature of the moon_. I opened my eyes and looked around again. Still nothing.

"For fuck's sake." I closed my eyes again and slowly began to spin around. _When I open my eyes, I'll be pointing at Luna_. I opened my eyes.

I was looking at Earth. "What? How is that eve—Fucking dreams. Screw it." I closed my eyes. _Take me to Luna, fucking dream._

I opened my eyes a bit and they widened exponentially when I realized I was falling. I put my wings to use and flew back up to Luna. "There you are, Nav! Where did you go?"

I looked around and saw that we were over a familiar island. "I went to the moon looking for you," I answered.

"That's where it put me, but I got to you as quickly as I could. I was hoping you'd escape on your own. I guess you were able to."

"Aye. Where to now?"

"My bedroom."

"Again? I know you're frisky, but I think we have more important things to do."

"I thought you had my sister remove that spell!"

"I did, but you're cute when you're flustered." She blushed. "Shall we?"

"Just hold onto me." I gripped her tail and we appeared in her room. I saw her room as we had left it, including me and her sitting around the statue. "This is the hard part, Nav. I have to fight to take control of my body. The things I fear are going to appear around me while I fight. You have to stop them."

"And I can summon anything to help me do that, right?"

"Yes." I closed my eyes. _When I open my eyes, I will have an AK-47 that never runs out of ammo._ I opened my eyes and racked back the bolt. "Nav, what is _that_?"

"A human weapon. In a range like this, it will destroy anything I have to fight."

She sighed. "It isn't just fighting you'll have to do, Nav. Get ready." I looked around and shrugged. She reached out with her horn and touched the horn of the other Luna.

Celestia appeared. I immediately ravaged her with bullets and she dropped to the ground, leaking blood from about a dozen holes. I appeared and I killed myself. Twilight and her friends appeared. Each of her friends was wearing a necklace and Twilight had some tiara thing. I killed Twilight and Rarity first and Rainbow Dash next, before any of them could react.

The other three gasped. "What are you doing, Nav?" Fluttershy whispered. I cut Applejack down and killed Pinkie Pie next.

"Nothing personal, Fluttershy," I answered, killing her. "But your jewelry was ugly."

I went over and kicked Twilight. "That's what you get for trying to kill me, cunt!"

Some strange black pony appeared in some kind of armor. I noticed that she was an alicorn and that's about all I saw before I killed her too.

"Shit, this is easy." The floor was getting soaked in blood and other stuff, and the smell was pretty terrible. The armor was keeping the gun from kicking against me too terribly, thankfully, so I wasn't getting hurt at all.

Some ugly amalgamation of animals appeared and I killed him too, though he laughed before he disappeared. _Sick fuck probably enjoyed it._

Two more alicorns appeared and had time to look surprised at the amount of bodies before they died. Then a kitten showed up and I killed it too. "Good God, why is she afraid of a kitten?"

Then a little colt showed up, a kid I remembered from Ponyville. He didn't even have time to open his eyes before I killed him.

I heard a shuddering gasp from behind me and I spun, tracking the target with the AK. My finger was on the trigger when I realized it was the real Luna. She was looking at the carnage in front of her. I threw the gun away and ran up to her, pulling her head away from the scene.

"Look at me, Luna," I commanded, pulling her head to mine. "Look at me. They aren't real." She had squeezed her eyes shut. "We're in a dream, remember? Now, what do we do next?"

She was silent for some time. "You… you weren't supposed to _kill _them, Nav!" she said in an incredibly distraught voice. "Not all of them!"

I looked around at the bodies. "Well, why the fuck not? It worked, didn't it?"

She drew a shuddering breath. "You're a monster," she whispered. "Your friends… Celestia… Mom and dad… Yourself! You killed them all and didn't feel a thing!"

"They aren't real. Why should I feel anything for constructs?"

She was still breathing raggedly. "Fine. Make them… make them disappear, Nav." I closed my eyes and did as she asked. She let out a breath. "Humans are crazy. How could anything make a weapon that could do that to ponies?"

"That was nothing, Luna. Hell, that was _tame _compared to some of the stuff I could have brought. Now, what do we do?"

"It's your turn, Nav. You need to take over your body."

"Luna, no offense, but… Are you sure you can handle what my fears might be?"

She finally smiled. "I've been alive for a while, Nav. I'll be fine."

I pulled a gauntlet off and walked up to my body and put my hand on my head.

I opened my eyes, noticing I was sitting on the floor, arm outstretched. I achingly got to my feet.

"N-n-nav?" Luna weakly said.

"Yeah?" I asked as I popped my back.

"I'm so sorry." It sounded like she was crying, and had been for some time. I walked to her and wrapped her in a hug.

"It's okay, Luna. Whatever you saw, it's over. But we need to keep working. What do we do now?"

"No, it's not over! The things I saw from your mind… What _was _that?!"

"No, Luna. I'm not having this discussion. I warned you that it would probably be bad. We need to keep moving. Where do we go now?"

She took a moment to collect herself. "We need to go where we originally found the artifact. It is an ancient place of power. We discovered it after an earthquake, I believe."

"I'm ready." We appeared in what looked like a steel chamber. My eyes could see fine, but Luna's couldn't. She created a light and we pushed forward. Without much thinking, I created another gun. A Vintorez, this time. I casually racked the bolt back as we walked.

She looked at it and gulped. "What does that one do?"

"This one is like the previous one, but quieter and less messy. For all the fuckups of the Soviet Union, they knew how to make guns. Since that's all they ever spent money on, I suppose that makes sense. What are we expecting here?"

"The artifact is going to try to truly repel us, here. I don't believe it will use physical constructs, but keep that thing handy in case it does. Just… kill anything you see that isn't us."

I made good on that order when something rounded a corner ahead of us. It plopped to the ground, dead. "What the fuck?" I said aloud, looking at the horrid critter.

"I've never seen anything like _that _before," Luna said. "This came from your mind, Nav."

I looked at it. "Yep. That's a monster from a game. I'm gonna need a bigger gun. I can make _anything_, right?"

"Well, I suppose."

She had time to see me grin before I was in a suit of power armor holding a fucking bolt gun. "Thank you, Warhammer 40k. Luna, you might want to watch your ears."

"Your voice!"

"That's not my voice. Those are speakers on the side of my helmet. Watch my six, I'm going in."

I walked into the doorway the monster came out of and shone my headlamps around. "Cle—Wait." I saw two familiar looking people. "Oh, just my parents." Two trigger pulls and they were paste. "Clear."

"Navarone! Did you just… did you just kill your _parents_?"

"No, I just killed two constructs. I don't think this simulation thought this through." We heard laughter echoing through the halls. We continued. I saw another person that I recognized as my sister before I killed her. "Keep sending them forward. I have all the bullets a dream me can make." When _she _came I killed her too. "I'll admit, that one twinged. But there's no memories in my mind more painful than her, so you might as we—" Then Taya came and I turned her into paste without a thought. "Keep it up."

"Navarone… are you okay?"

"Yeah. None of this is real. When are we going to start running into your loved ones again?"

"You already killed them all!"

"Oh yeah." I giggled. "Well, I wouldn't mind shooting myself again. You hear that, architect?" A mirror appeared and I shot it. The bullet went clear through and came back at me, hitting my armor and leaving a massive dent. "Oh you cunt!" I popped the dent out with barely a thought.

Luna gasped. "Are you okay?"

"Just hit my armor. Nothing much." I reached out and tore the mirror down and we continued. Luna appeared ahead of us and I cut her down without a thought.

"Nav. Did you just kill me?"

"No, you're standing right there."

"I see." Her tone was icy.

Onward we went. "I thought you said this would be hard," I commented as I killed one of my only friends back home.

"It is, for anyone with a heart."

"Then it's a good thing you have me here," I replied as I killed Derpy, Doctor Whooves, and a filly standing between them.

She didn't answer.

"So just how far in do we need to go?"

"Another few miles, I believe."

"_Miles_? Fuck that noise." I dropped the bolter and picked Luna up with the enhanced strength of the armor and just ran down the halls, trampling anything that got in the way.

"I always wanted a strong stallion to lift me off my feet, but not quite like this," Luna remarked as we ran over something.

"Well, I'm always defying expectations," I answered.

I saw a closed door at the end of the hall and bent to let my shoulder take the brunt of it. "Nav, wait!"

Too late. I slammed into the door going full speed and blew straight through it, Luna still in my arms. I slid to a halt inside.

"W… What?" Luna whispered, looking around. We appeared to be on a catwalk. "Last time it took me ages to get past that door!"

"Luna, I'm wearing fucking power armor. Point me at something you want dead or destroyed and consider it gone."

"I see," she said with a tinge of respect. "Can you put me down now?"

"What kind of dashing hero would I be if I didn't carry the beautiful princess?"

"Well, when you put it that way… You're still not a hero. Put me down." I sighed and set her down. "Better. Now, we are nearly done. It took nearly a week to traverse this artifact last time, as I recall. I think we've been here for maybe a day at the most."

"A _day_? How is that possible? I guarded you for maybe an hour, and this run took two at the most. Before that we probably spent half an hour finding each other."

She looked down. "I had… a hard time dealing with your fears."

"Oh. Let's go." I pulled a bolter back out and we started down the catwalk. "You know, this looks kind of familiar, though I can't say why." I continued looking around. "Hell, it looks like something humans would have built, honestly." I looked down and saw massive empty vats. Alongside the walls were several pods. "What is this place in real life?"

"This is a forbidden area, Nav. We are only here because we are in the dream. But this place is guarded so closely by almost every race on the planet that not even Celestia is allowed inside."

"That's odd. Why?"

"No pony knows anymore. The artifact came from here, but no pony knows when or why it was removed."

"That's really odd."

"Quite. We have always wondered, but we respect that there are some things that can't be known. Since most ponies don't even know about it, we don't bother."

"Fair enough. So what are we looking for?"

"The storage room. It's just at the other end. There shouldn't be any more opposition."

"Should and would build no bridges."

"I'll have you know that most of the bridges in Equestria are built out of wood."

_Bitch please._ "Whatever." We were nearing another door. I casually lifted my bolter and destroyed it. "So much easier than opening them."

"Lazy. That door was easy to open!" We entered, but I had to duck a bit.

I whistled lightly, and giggled as it came out as a weird sound from my speakers. "If I knew this was back here, I wouldn't have shot!" It looked like a museum or a storage room or something. A lot of things right behind the door were destroyed. We pushed in.

"It should be… Ah, there!" She led me to a twin of the statue. "Get out of that armor, Nav."

"You ready to go again? Damn, Luna, you just really want my body, don't you?"

"If you don't stop it I'm leaving you here." I sighed and let the armor vanish. "Hold onto my horn." I giggled as I reached out and grabbed it. She stuck her horn into the hole.

And we were back in her room. I stretched. "So, a day?"

"Yeah. I'm famished. Let's go eat, and then we can talk about you murdering everything."

"It's only murder if they're real."

"We can let Celestia decide that, I believe."

"How about we not tell her? I prefer that idea."

"She needs to know about the statue, at least. Actually, wait, I should probably turn it on before we go anywhere." She bent back down to the statue and plugged her horn in again. After a moment, she pulled back. "Sweet dreams, everypony," she whispered. "Let's go eat, Nav."

"You know, we could stay here… I can think of something very edible right in front of me."

She blushed, but said, "Later. We need to see Celestia, if she's still awake."

"Oh yeah, that does remind me: You need to take my teeth away. They changed my taste buds to love meat and blood. I already liked the taste of meat, but I don't need to start craving it again."

She grimaced at that. "Yes, that is something I need to change." She bent her head in and removed my large canines. "How are you liking your wings so far?"

"They're fine, so far. But we're going to have to test whether or not they're still sensitive later. After we eat and see Celestia, I suppose."

"Well then, let's go." And off we went. As soon as we opened her bedroom door, we stopped.

"Hello, Taya," I said.

She jumped at me and knocked me back a few steps with a hug.

"How can ponies jump so high?" I asked no one as I propped her up.

"I thought you said you were only going to be gone for a few hours," she whispered.

"Code word?"

"Watch. What took you so long?"

"I wasn't expecting this to take so long. Luna didn't tell me. Apparently last time it took her a week to do it. I just sped up the process so much because I'm awesome." Luna snorted at that. "Have you eaten yet?" I asked her.

"No. It's been about twenty hours since you disappeared from the reception," she said.

"Then let's go eat," I said. She scampered back onto my shoulders.

With a loud hmph, she jumped down. "The axe is in my way."

"Blame Luna. The only use that thing has gotten so far is as a door stopper and a door opener."

Luna growled at that. "You should have thought of that before becoming my knight."

"My other choice was Celestia. What would _she _have gotten me, a dildo sword?"

"I don't know what that is," Luna answered. "But it would have been either a sword or a spear. Now come on, I'm famished." We continued out. "Taya, your father is a very brave stallion."

"No he's not," Taya answered. Luna looked at her in shock. "He's a very brave man."

"And a bad one," I answered, receiving the expected answer of getting knocked to the ground.

"Taya! That wasn't very nice!" Luna said, pulling me to my feet with magic and glaring at her.

"Nah, it's okay. I knew she was going to."

Luna gave a look of surprise to me. "You allow this behavior?"

"Yeah. What am I going to do, forbid her from doing something she believes in?"

"If it's wrong, yes!"

"That's assuming it's wrong."

"If she's hurting you, it's obviously wrong."

"What if I deserve to be hurt, though?"

"If she's doing it because you deserve it, she isn't hurting you nearly enough."

"So you want me to hurt him more?" Taya asked. "Because I can, if the princess demands it."

"You're all sadistic!" I sighed. "Damn ponies call _me _a terrible person!"

"Well, you kind of are," Luna answered. I just sighed.

After a moment, Taya said, "Well?"

"I'm not hitting Luna, Taya."

"She defamed your good name!"

I sighed, pulled my gauntlet off, and slapped Luna's ass. "There, happy?"

Luna gave me a look, blushing brightly. Taya nodded with a smile.

"Man, why are we walking to the mess hall when we could be teleporting there?" I asked.

"Because you just… _slapped my flank!_" Luna growled.

"You're the one who's hungry, not me," I said with a shrug. I had gotten good at that in armor. "Why not just take all three of us down there?"

"Ugh. Fine." After a moment we disappeared and reappeared in the dining room. I ended up on top of a table somehow.

There were a multitude of gasps and shouts when we appeared in the middle of dinner. I noticed one of my feet was in soup. "My apologies," I said, jumping off the table. The guard whose soup I was in grumbled something. Sounded like he was trying to call the waiter about a human in his soup.

"There you are, Luna!" Celestia called from the front table.

"You two are free to do whatever," Luna told us as she made her way up to the table. "Just don't leave Canterlot without telling me."

Taya was already moving to the line to get some food. I joined her, though I wasn't all that hungry; I had been eating quite a bit recently. We grabbed some stuff and sat at a mostly empty table.

"Where are the others?" I asked as we started eating.

"If you mean Twilight and her friends, they left earlier today. Pinkie wanted to wait for you, but the others pulled her away." Interesting.

"What about Chrysalis and Doppel?"

"Still in the palace. They didn't try anything."

"And the shield?"

"Gone."

"Good. Looks like we made a peace of sorts. Do you know if a deal has been made yet?" She shrugged. "Well, it's not really our problem. As long as I'm not called to fight, at least." She just continued eating, and I joined her. The soup was pretty decent, but I suspect it was less so with a boot in it.

We finished eating quickly and got up to leave. I almost ended up back down when I found myself getting hugged by a night guard. "Uh, hi," I said, patting him on his back.

He pulled back grinning. "Thank you, Sir Navarone. That bonus you gave me helped me finally get married and buy a house. Thank you so much."

"No problem. Just don't forget that the princesses don't exactly know about this. Be careful with your spending, and make sure to spread the word around."

"Oh no, Princess Celestia knows. She knows and she approves."

"Oh. Huh. Well, I guess do whatever floats your boat. But just remember that this bonus was a onetime thing, unless you get picked for a job like this again and you end up getting lucky. Don't spend more than you have."

He saluted. "I'm not going poor again." He dropped his salute. "And if you ever need a bruiser, ask any of the night guards. We all have your back, now. You may have only given the bonus to those of us in the expedition, but we look after our own; that money was enough to give everypony a bonus of four years' wages."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. "That was really generous." It probably wouldn't have happened in my world. "Sounds to me like you guys need thanks more than I do."

He smiled at that. "You're the one that gave us the idea and the bits to use. Anyway, I need to get to my shift. Nice talking to you, Sir Navarone." With another salute, he went off.

I turned and found Taya looking at me. "What?" I asked.

"You're not a bad person."

"Let's go... Do something, I guess. Any ideas?"

"We can talk to Chrysalis and Doppel. I know Doppel, at least, wanted to talk to you."

"Talk to me, or punch me in the face again?"

"Talk. And that's all she'll be doing."

"Good. We can to go my room so I can get out of this damn armor first." And off we went. We got to my room easily enough and the armor went clattering to the floor. "Can you magic this stuff clean?"

"Easily." Her horn glowed and it all returned to pristine condition.

"I knew there was a reason magic didn't completely suck. I just need to get changed and we can go." I did that and grabbed my throwing knives and we went down a door.

I knocked and it opened. Doppel looked out at me. She blinked, and motioned us inside. "So you're finally back, Navarone," Chrysalis said from her couch. "We were wondering when you would return. Oh, and you have new wings and even prettier eyes."

"I've been in the palace for quite a while. I've just been busy. Unfortunately I didn't get to get drunk, so there's still a barrel of booze next door that you're welcome to. I have been running all over the place."

"I've heard. Or at least, I have heard a bit of it. Apparently you did something quite nice, or so Celestia seems to tell it."

I shrugged, a much easier feat without armor. "You could say that. Apparently I just helped loot and then activate a dream machine or something. While we were looting that we picked up a bunch of coins and gems. I just made sure the guards that were with me got a cut."

"That _is _quite nice of you. I would not have done that. I doubt Celestia or Luna would have either, though Celestia appears to have approved, now that it's done."

"Well, she kind of had to. It would have been political suicide to take the money from the troops now that they have it, and it would be better to be seen as generous by approving it than be seen as cruel by denouncing it. And saying nothing would probably hurt rather than help. So she might as well do the smart thing and appear kind and generous."

Chrysalis smiled. "It is a shame Luna has sunk her claws in you. I know I could use you, though politics are of much less concern where I come from. There, _I _rule."

"I have to wonder though… If the shield is gone, why are you still here?"

"I saw Ditto today. He assured me that the promised convicts and love poisons have been delivered. I am currently not needed among the swarm. I will be leaving shortly, however; some things just need finalizing before I return home."

"A shame. I will miss talking to you. I am unable to talk to any of the ponies as I was with you, and Luna was actually horrified at how I did some of the things she ordered me to do. I can't win either way with some of these ponies."

"I understand. They are not quite like us, which is in some ways a good thing. Still, I am surprised that Luna of all ponies was horrified. She seems darker than most."

"Well, what she had me doing was some really dark stuff. I had to protect her in that dream world we were in. That entailed killing quite a few constructs that chose the form of people we knew and loved. She was horrified that I didn't hesitate to shoot any of them."

"If they were constructs, why would you hesitate?"

"Exactly. I knew they weren't real and she knew they weren't real. Apparently I was supposed to feel some hesitation."

"Who all did you have to kill?" Taya asked.

"Twilight and her five friends. Celestia. Luna. My parents. My sister. You. Myself. A few other friends. Luna's parents. A kitten. A few other things."

"Oh," she said in a quiet voice.

"That wasn't the real you, Taya."

"I know."

"Can I watch it all play out, Navarone?" Chrysalis asked, looking at me with a bit of hope.

"There's not really much emotion in there, but if you can read my mind like Celestia, sure. Just don't go any farther than that." She eagerly got to her feet and stepped over to me and Taya and bent her head down, her horn glowing.

A few minutes later she stepped back. "Marvelous. Such destruction… such carnage! If only you had such tools to work with here… Do you think you could make them?"

"It might be possible to make a basic gun. Gunpowder isn't too hard to make, I don't think. I couldn't manufacture anything as refined as an AK-47, though. The power armor and the bolter were way ahead of anything in my time."

"If you would be willing to make simple guns for my people, I would give you anything you desired."

"I don't know how to make a gun that a changeling would be able to use."

"Navarone, we are _changelings_. Make a gun you can use and they'll turn into you to use it."

"Most of them can't walk on two feet, but that can be changed. Still, I think I will pass. I might teach a few how to do it, but I don't think Equestria really needs that knowledge."

She made an unhappy sound. "Very well. You have helped me and my changelings out enough, I suppose. If you are ever near our territory, you are welcome."

"Where is your territory, though?"

"We have hives spread out all over Equestria. There is one not too far away from a place called Ponyville, and another near a place called Hoofington. I personally live near a place called Appaloosa. All of our hives are interconnected by several tunnels."

"So you're like the naga and a few of the dog clans, then."

Her eyes narrowed. "Do not speak to me of the dogs." She calmed herself. "But we are somewhat similar, yes. I wonder if your princesses would be willing to let me borrow you…"

"What for?"

"Hopefully to help wipe out a persistent problem. If not that, then to help negotiate with that persistent problem."

"You'd have to ask them."

"I will. I've a bit of time left before I leave. When do you return to your home?"

"Tomorrow, hopefully. I am growing weary of living in the palace. Now that all of the spells have been removed from my mind, it might be easier, but this past week has been… interesting."

She smiled. "You finally detected that, then? I was wondering when you would."

"There were three others on me when I decided to get Luna to check me." Her eyes went wide. "Apparently Celestia hit me with one over two weeks ago. Twilight hit me with one when she was poisoned. And I think I got another one when I was drugged."

"It's a wonder you were able to do anything at all, with that many libido spells on you! How did you manage?"

"I have a bit of natural resistance to mental spells. Not too much, but I guess it's enough. Shining Armor actually tried to read my mind a few hours before the wedding. I was able to kick him out three times. He was not happy to receive images of me having sex with his sister or with you."

She grinned. "He was probably ashamed at the feelings you gave me that he couldn't. I feel sorry for Mi Amore Cadenza."

"I feel sorry for Shining Armor. Cadance is annoying, though she did get a bit better there at the end."

"It's possible to grow accustomed to anything, I suppose. Can I trouble you for another light snack? So few ponies are willing to feed me."

"By all means." She stood again and approached. "What do you want tonight?"

"Surprise me." Her horn lit up.

An intermission for the lovable Discord

When Chrysalis entered Navarone's mind, she did not find what she was expecting. She went in looking for emotions.

She found me.

"This isn't right," she said as her entire mental form was pulled into my grasp. "What is going on here?"

I appeared before her. "Hello, my dear," I said as she backed away a bit in surprise. "You might remember me. I am Discord."

With a scream of rage, she charged me. I snapped my fingers and she stopped in place, what looked like bubblegum holding her hooves to the ground.

"Now now, my dear. There's no need to thank me for what I did to your people!"

"You took me from my people! You doomed an entire race just for your laughs!"

"The alicorns were so boring, though! I like them much better now. Horns, but mostly unable to use them. Brains, but unable to think. So much better than the beasts they were before. They hated me mindlessly, so I made them mindless in turn."

"Hated you for good reason! Release me, monster!"

"Why? So you can attack me again? I think not. We need to have a talk, you and I."

"I am not interested in anything you have to say! Not after last time!"

"Oh? And what if I promise to remove the curse upon your people?"

"Your promises mean nothing. I found that out the hard way, and I refuse to make the same mistake!"

I snapped my fingers, bringing up a mirror. "The alicorn race is dead, Moonbeam." She flinched at that name. "They might still be fighting back, but they will never recover. Celestia finally realized this, and allowed Cadance to marry in peace. A few male alicorns _might _be found, but the race will never come back. So why try to relive the past? You are a new species entirely. I made sure of that. But you are a species dependent upon others. I can remove that dependency." I showed her a possible future in the mirror. She looked at it in wonder before shaking her head and glaring at me.

"At what cost? You have full power over us, if memory serves. Why would you want our willing help, if you could just force it?"

"Because, my dear, I grow weary of _forcing _all of you to work with me. I want companionship for the eternities, not slaves. But I don't want just anyone with me for eternity. I want those that can earn it. Those that can earn my respect. Voluntarily helping me in the coming battle—if it can be called that—will earn you a place at my side. You have lived for some time, Chrysalis. What would you say to living a bit longer?"

I knew her thoughts. I could see her mind, after all. "And you could remove my pony's need for emotions?"

"I gave them that need, Chrysalis. Of course I can remove it. And I will, if you join me."

"What would it entail? Who would we have to fight?"

"Why, all that oppose me! Celestia and Luna are most likely, and the dragons will probably be on the fence. I will work for peace with them, but be ready for anything. Luna and Celestia will, of course, oppose me, but I will likely subvert them in time."

"And the human? What of Navarone?"

I smiled. "Dear Chrysalis, who do you think my real agent is in this world? What better species to plan a war than one that lives a constant war within as well as without—as I know you have seen? Where Navarone goes, I go. What he sees, I see. And Celestia has been sending him to some very interesting places, recently…"

She blanched a bit at that. "So how do I know you'll keep your word? And how do I know that this isn't a test from Celestia?"

"Because you know what Celestia, of all ponies, thinks of me. She would be very displeased at any pony that ever considered using my beautiful form in any manner at all. But if you want a way to test my word, let Doppel feed off Navarone. I will remove her hunger. Forever. So, do we have a deal?"

I snapped and the bubblegum disappeared. I proffered my hand. She looked at it for what seemed like a long time. After a moment, she reached her hoof out to shake it.

"And Chrysalis? No one is to know of this. You will be unable to speak of my return to anyone you want, and this memory will be blocked from any other access. You won't even be able to write it down." I let her hoof go and she left it fall to the floor, considering all that I had told her. "Be ready, Chrysalis. I am coming." I snapped my fingers.

And back to your regularly schedule human abuse.

Chrysalis backed away from me with a sharp breath. "Are you okay?" I asked. "I didn't know if you would like the taste of that one…"

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. I looked on, concerned, and Doppel came forward. After a moment, Chrysalis coughed. "I have… had a lot… on my mind." She went to sit down and then gave me a long and hard look. "There is more to you than meets the eye, Navarone."

"I've been told that before, Chrysalis." I looked do Doppel. "Are you hungry as well?"

Chrysalis answered for her. "Yes, she is. Feed, Doppel."

Doppel looked back to Chrysalis for a moment before turning to me. She approached. "Sorry, Navarone," she whispered. She reached her horn over and it glowed for a second. I gave her some memories. She pulled back with an odd look. "That's… odd," she said. "I feel a lot more full than I should." She shrugged. "Interesting memories, though." She walked back to her place at the door.

Chrysalis was looking at me in shock. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked her.

"Yes. Though I think I need to cut our meeting short." Taya hopped off me and I stood.

"I might see you later, Chrysalis," I said. "But I'm probably leaving some time tomorrow."

"I see. Then I suppose we might meet again. Goodbye for now, Navarone."

Taya and I headed back to my room. "She was totally not fine," I said as we sat down.

"Then why didn't you stay and comfort her?"

"Because I'm not good at comforting others. You saw how terrible I was at it when Twilight was crying on my floor. Hey, do you know if the DJ from the reception is still in town?" She shrugged. "Damn. I wanted to talk to her. Oh well." We were silent for a bit. "How would you feel about owning our own place?"

"Our own house, you mean?"

"Yeah. Moving out of Twilight's place. I have the money, have for some time. I just haven't done it."

"It would be nice… But having the library right there is also nice. And she _is _my teacher."

"It isn't something we have to do. I'm pretty ambivalent about it, honestly. It might require me to get a real job, though."

"Can you keep a steady job, with Celestia and Luna pulling you away so often?"

"There's the problem. I was hoping for something more mercenary. Hunting in the forest, for example. But again, this isn't something we have to do. Twilight knows we're even. Well, sort of. She still owes me for that dragon thing. But I've also been living with her for a while, so whatever. We don't have to move."

"Are you going to turn your wings back?"

"I'll know tomorrow. As of right now, I'm leaning to yes. They're cold this way, and I really do prefer the feathers, even if they are a bit of a pain to keep up. Luna probably won't like it, but this is my bloody body. If she wants to go around with bat wings, she can do it to herself." I looked out the window. It was fully dark. "I need to go see Luna again. Go to bed when you're tired but remember that we return home tomorrow."

"Okay… daddy." She jumped on the bed. I went over to the door and turned out the light for her.

"Night, Taya." I left the room and went down the hall towards the throne room. I figured Luna would eventually end up there.

She did.

"What are you doing here, Nav?" she asked as she walked in.

"Just chilling," I answered with a shrug. "I think your night guards like me now."

"I have heard a few of them talking, though I don't know what about. They definitely like my choice of knight." She smiled. "So do I. Are you ready to sweep me off my feet again?"

I smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

A little while later, we were back in the throne room. "Must I turn your wings back?" Luna asked in a disappointed tone.

"You don't have to, but I don't like them this way," I answered. "Besides, if I'm going to be living in Ponyville I don't want to be feared by everyone. It took me long enough to get them to stop staring at me every time I walked past." Some of my mannerisms after getting back from the Middle East probably helped delay the process.

She sighed. "I suppose you are correct. At least you found the eyes useful." She bent her head in and changed my wings back.

"If it makes you feel any better, I did like the way I looked before. I just couldn't stay that way for functional reasons."

"Not even the skin color?"

"We've been over that. Or rather, we've been over why I won't go over it. Skin color means a lot more where I come from than it does here, and I refuse to explain why."

"But you're not on Earth anymore."

"No, I'm not. But that doesn't mean I lost all of my sentimentalities from that place. I still say someone and everyone instead of somepony and everypony, and I probably will for quite a while. I might change eventually, but for now I think it's best if I stay as close to myself as I can. It's one of the few ways I have left of staying human, with all the modifications I've had done to me."

"I remember reading something in one of Twilight's letters about you… The technological singularity. Tia and I discussed that at much length. You said your race was always dedicated to becoming more than human. Better. And yet here you are, declining gifts to do just that."

"This is different. A different skin color doesn't make me better. Different kinds of wings don't make me better. Longer canines don't make me better at anything but looking scary and eating meat. I kept the eyes because I have yet to see a single downside to them. And none of this is technological, it's all magical. I'm all for becoming better; I kept the wings, after all. But different… why change if what you're changing to isn't better?"

She sighed. "You are correct, I suppose. Now, I am bored, and I honestly don't think anything important will happen soon. There are a few nightclubs in this city. Are you interested?"

"Do I have to dance?"

"Yes."

"Can I get drugged first?"

"That night you got drugged… how many mares did you go through?"

"There were around thirty mares in the pile and ten stallions and Spike. I have no idea what actually happened, but I'm pretty sure a lot of sex was involved."

She smiled. "I might have to find the recipe, then. But no, you don't get to get drugged tonight. Hopefully. Shall we?"

"I'm in; Taya's asleep and everyone else is gone. Good thing you only got banned from leaving the city."

She smiled. "That has been a saving grace. Let's go."

The night was spent the right way: Partying. I had all the stamina I could ever need and Luna had magic to keep herself sustained. I didn't get drugged, sadly, and I did have to dance. A bit of time was spent just chilling with the party goers, though. Since I did that favor for the night guards, most of the young partiers around knew all about me and were quite pleased that I helped the guards out.

That might not make sense in a world like mine. I mean, the rebellious youngsters going to these kinds of parties are supposed to hate the fuzz. It's quite a bit different here, especially when Luna started going to night clubs. Here, the night guards make sure the youngsters get home safely after all is said and done. They break up any fights and make sure the guy that starts it only spends the rest of the night in the brig until he can calm down. Basically, the night guards are pretty chill. Giving them shitloads of cash made them even nicer.

The morning found Luna and me back in the palace. "Don't tell Pinkie about this," I warned her.

"I can do anything I want. _You _have to follow _my _orders now, remember?"

"That was an oath under duress. It shouldn't count."

"Magical oaths mean a lot more than regular oaths, Nav. You're just lucky you got oathed to someone that likes you."

"I think I'd prefer not to be oathed at all," I answered with a sigh. "I really didn't want to do that. I hate being tied down!"

"Too bad. And it's a shame that I have an order for you."

"Does it involve sex, at least?"

"No. Well, maybe. But mostly no. I need you to explore the Everfree forest."

"What."

"Nav, I have read some of those letters about your new capabilities. Most animals ignore you, unless they're smarter than normal. And your jaunt in the ruined castle proves that manticores can't see you. You should be almost perfectly safe there. And… well, the Everfree has gone mostly uncharted because of how dangerous it is. We know it is a place of magic, but we don't know what might be hiding inside. Celestia and I both want it explored, and I believe you can do it."

"I'd really rather not do that," I answered with more than a little trepidation.

"Too bad. Do it. Feel free to take your time, though. It isn't really urgent, and I wouldn't want you to get harmed because you rushed through it." _Dammit. Fucking oaths._

"Do you have any other suicidal orders for me, or is that enough for you?"

"That's enough for now. But remember when I said that I would never order you to your death? I meant it, Nav. I do not believe you will die—or get hurt—there."

"And you're not the one risking your neck based on that belief. But fine, since I have no bloody choice. Can I at least murder the shit out of anything I find there?"

"You are free to kill anything you please. In fact, Celestia and I would prefer you do so; the more dead monsters there are, the less live ones that might make it out and into any of the surrounding cities."

"Then why not just burn that fucker to the ground? Hire a few dragons to scorch the place. Or do it yourself with magic." I swear I felt a disturbance in… something… my mind searched for an f word that reminded me of Rarity… Anyway, it felt like I should have been slapped in the face for that comment. _Dammit, Rarity. Now you're reaching across time and space to show your annoyance for common sense._

"It's not that simple, Nav. Well, I mean, it _could _be that simple. But both Celestia and I think it would be a bad idea. That forest is evil in more ways than one. It is entirely possible that trying to burn it would result in dire consequences."

_That's really specific._ "So how do you know it won't react to me exploring with some manner of consequence?"

"You're only one pon—person. We're both hoping you're too alien or too similar for it to notice you."

"Oh great. You're making me go into an evil forest because you think the evil inside me resonates with it. Fun."

"Well when you put it that way… I'm still going to make you do it. There's no reason to talk it out, Nav. This is an order, and you have to obey."

That really, _really _grated. I don't recall anything about not murdering Luna in my oaths, but that might fall under 'defending Equestria.'

"It's really not that bad, Nav! You can stay in a few hours at a time and come out to recover. It might take you a few months, but I believe it can be done."

"Fuck that. If I'm going to do this, I'm going in for the long haul. I'll stay there until the damn job is done. I'll spend a few days back in Ponyville to get some info about the damn place and then get to it."

"By all means, wait until you're ready. Just as long as it gets done."

I muttered something unpleasant. "Fine. When can I leave this bloody city?"

"Whenever you want. I can have a chariot for you and Taya whenever you are ready to leave, and I'm sure Tia will be just as pleased to help."

"I hope so. I'm ready to just get back. These past few weeks have been… horrible."

"I can imagine. You've been through a lot. It is still a bit early, but you can go now if you want."

"You know what… Yeah. Get me a chariot called up. I'm not getting delayed here because Celestia wants to talk my ear off about something or another or because Chrysalis wants another snack. I'll be in my room getting my stuff together and waking up Taya."

"Of course, Nav. I'll be there to see you off." She teleported me to my door, which saved me a few minutes.

I let myself in to find everything as I had left it. Which was good, because I'd have killed a bitch if anything was wrong. I started putting things together, which was kind of hard given that I now had armor and another useless weapon that I didn't know how to use.

Some of the clattering woke Taya up. She sat up with a yawn. "Are we leaving already?"

"As soon as our chariot's ready, yeah. You can sleep when we get back to Ponyville; we're leaving this damn place before I get caught up in another scheme."

She hopped off the bed. "Works for me. You need any help?"

"Just a place to put all this crap," I said, waving a hand at the armor. "I don't have any bags, given how I came here."

She looked at it. It disappeared.

"Okay, I'll admit that I didn't like the armor that much, but I was probably going to use it eventually."

"It's back in Ponyville," she answered. "On your bed. Teleporting objects is a lot easier than teleporting living things."

"Cool. Think you can do my clothes as well? I can handle the rest."

"Do you want everything there?"

I pulled out the drawers and set all the clothes on top. "I really don't want the liveries… But I may have to use them eventually, now that Luna pretty much owns me. God I HATE that! Why can't they just let me fucking live my already ruined life? Is it really so much for them to just leave me alone?"

I sighed and rubbed my temple. "Send it all, Taya," I finally said, turning to my pile of weapons. I saw a flash behind me. "Sorry to burden you with this. I'm just sick and tired of these motherfucking ponies. Maybe getting to the Everfree will be a nice change of pace for me… I can spend weeks at a time away from them." I started putting weapons on. "God I hate how familiar these weapons feel now… Except for that fucking axe. It doesn't belong on my back." I walked over to the writing table and looked down. I sighed and began putting things into my large pockets. "Taya, don't become beholden to anyone. Ever."

"What does that mean?"

"Don't owe anyone money, don't give anyone promises or oaths, and don't let anyone do the same to you. It's just not worth it."

"What about marriage?"

"If you're interested in it, by all means. I never saw the appeal, personally; if you love someone, shouldn't your love be enough? Why get married to prove it? I mean, if you love them you shouldn't _have _to get married to prove it." I shrugged, still facing the writing desk. "Maybe it's because my heart is fairly barren. Maybe it's because I can't see myself in any relationship at all. Maybe because I've been a fish out of water ever since I was born." I turned. "Are you ready?"

"What about this barrel?"

"I'm leaving it in front of Chrysalis's door with a note. She can keep it if she wants. If not… Well, I don't fucking care." I bent down to the writing desk to write a quick note. I put the note on top of the barrel and left the quill from my feather on top of it. "Do you mind taking that to her room? I want to make sure the room is stowed away."

Her horn glowed and the barrel floated away. When she was out the door, I checked under the bed. The toys were gone. I walked around the rest of the room, looking for anything of mine or anything that might be Taya's. There was nothing there. I got outside as Taya was coming back.

"Now what?" she asked.

"Now we wait. Shouldn't be too long, I hope."

It wasn't. A few minutes after I said that, Luna came walking down the hall. We walked up to meet her. "Are you leaving your armor here?" she asked.

"Taya teleported it home," I answered.

Luna looked down at Taya, who was looking ahead. "You are really progressing, Taya." Taya didn't answer. After a moment, Luna looked at me. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," was all I said. She led the way to the chariot. There wasn't much conversation on the way, though Luna tried to foster a bit.

We managed to get on the chariot and were back home before the sun did too much in the way of moving. It was nice.

I eased the library door open and was not surprised in the least to find Spike and Twilight already awake. Twilight greeted me with a massive hug attack. "I dreamed last night!" she said as she smothered me in a hug.

"Congratulations," I answered. "Welcome to my world most of the times I sleep."

"I know Luna explained it to you, Nav. You know ponies aren't like that."

"I know. I just don't really care. I'm surprised you didn't stay at the palace to study the dream artifact thing. Or to examine any of the ancient books and magical items we brought back."

Her eyes went wide at the mention of those. "Do you think Princess Luna would let me?"

I shrugged. "Bugger all if I know. You'd have to ask her. She was awake when we left, but she might not be anymore. Just send a message to Celestia asking her to ask Luna."

"SPIIIIKE!" Taya and I left them there. I went up to my room to check on the stuff Taya teleported in. It was all there, though it was strewn about my room as though someone had thrown it. It's a difficult spell, I figured, so I wasn't really angry.

I put the regular clothes back where they belonged and put the liveries in the darkest corner of the drawer full of clothing I didn't like—everything Rarity made that she didn't listen to me while making. I took one look at the armor and left it all wherever it fell on the floor. I set the axe down against the wall and put the other weapons where they usually were.

I looked around one more time. My room looked like it belonged to someone that knew how to fight. _Homecoming's a bitch._


	39. Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Seven—Fishing, monsters, and running away

A week later, I dragged Spike to go fishing. I absolutely hate fishing, and he wasn't much a fan of the concept, but I needed to talk to him without the prying ears of ponies nearby. My plot was almost foiled by the trio of terror, though: "Whatcha doing, Nav?" Sweetie Belle called, drawing the attentions of all three of them. Spike and I were toting hook and line—though why ponies even have stuff like that was beyond me, since they couldn't pull the string or eat the fish. I had my crossbow slung around my shoulder, since we were going to be so close to the woods.

"Can we come?" Applebloom asked before they even heard my answer.

"We're going fishing," I answered. They looked at me, confused. "We're going to catch fish," I tried. That, they understood.

"That sounds… interesting," Applebloom said as they trotted up to us. "Can we help?"

"We're going to clean, cook, and eat them afterwards. I don't want you to see that." Spike suddenly looked a lot more interested at the prospect, while all three of the ponies looked somewhat sickened.

That was almost enough to change their mind, but Scootaloo had to open her damn mouth: "Our teacher is always talking about how we should respect different cultures. Maybe it would be interesting to see?"

I tried a different tactic. "You wouldn't just be seeing it. You'd also be smelling it. Nothing like the smell of a disemboweled fish. Drives most animals in my world crazy to be in the same room with it." Not entirely true, but whatever. "I'll not subject any of you to that."

"And Spike will be fine?" Sweetie Belle asked, casting him a sidelong look.

He puffed up, "I'm tougher than any pony!" The girls snickered at that, and his cracking voice. He gave them a baleful glare.

"He got used to the smell in Egypt." I gave him a look telling him not to call me on the lie. Turns out he didn't need it, since it was actually true; I forgot they had fisheries in Alexandria while we were there. "He'll be fine. You won't."

"Then what are we supposed to do for a day?" Applebloom asked. "Taya is studying with Twilight, class is over, and no pony else wants to play…"

"You were amusing yourselves long before I came into town. I'm sure you'll figure something out."

We left them at a fork in the road, with them trying to figure something out.

We went to the nearby lake the three fillies seemed to be afraid of, so they wouldn't be tempted to come find us later to bug us some more. I grabbed a few sticks to tie the line onto so we could work more easily.

When we got everything set up, Spike turned to me. "Nav… Why are we out here?"

"You're getting wiser. Good. I hate fishing. We need to talk, you and I." I paused, somewhat unsure of how to continue.

"And we couldn't do that back in the library?" Spike asked, toying with a blade of grass.

"I think you know this kind of conversation can't be had among the ponies. You know what I'm talking about, dude."

He sighed. "The party?" he asked.

"The party," I confirmed. "I've been thinking about it and I think I might have screwed up, putting you in that position. My first time… was not by choice. I shouldn't have done that to you, Spike."

"Dude, I'm cool with it. I wish I could remember a bit more, but honestly, I'm okay! I'm not a baby anymore, despite what everypony seems to think."

"I know you're not. And I suppose it's a good thing you're okay. I'm not so certain I would be if something like that happened to me on my first time. Especially if I liked a chick when it happened."

He sighed. "I've been thinking about Rarity, Nav. She is… well, annoying. Beautiful, generous, but she is so very, very annoying."

"Yeah. I couldn't imagine living with her as it is now. I imagine if she liked you that she would be an angel, though. As generous as she is, she would make a very good special somepony. I just couldn't imagine myself getting there with her."

"I'll keep trying, but I think I'll keep my eyes open, as well. A female dragon would be a much better fit, especially since I'm going to be living so long."

"Love while you can, Spike. If what you feel is love, don't let anything stop you."

He snorted. "That seems like an odd thing for _you _to be saying. Do you even know how many mares you ended up with these past few weeks?"

"I was under a spell, dammit! And then I got drugged! It wasn't my fault."

"I don't hear you complaining."

"Dude, I got laid all week. There were definitely four mares, one changeling, and one dragon. And then there was that party that I got drugged and I don't even know. I don't regret much about that."

"It just seems odd to be hearing advice about love from you, is all."

"Just because my heart is barren and empty doesn't mean I don't know some simple things. I've gotten really good at faking, and I'm working on nurturing something simple with Taya."

"I can't believe Celestia made you take her. Did she give you a good reason, at least?"

"She didn't give me one, but I have my suspicions. You know that Luna loves me, right?"

"WHAT?!"

I waved a hand. "Yeah, she loves me. But I don't love her. I can't love her, you know. We've been trying to keep it all under wraps, but you're going to learn one day since you and I are going to grow old together, assuming we both survive. Anyway, Celestia is trying to play matchmaker, I think. Long story short, Luna did something fucktarded and got locked in the city of Canterlot for seven years. That was around three years ago now, I think. When she found out that I didn't love her, she threw a hissy fit. The entire castle found out about it at that point, and I still haven't figured out how word hasn't spread. Well, at the end of her fit, Celestia said that Luna and I could date at the end of the seven years, if we felt like it. Since I still can't love, I wasn't planning on taking her up on that offer. I think Taya is here in a misguided effort to remind me of my humanity."

"That's… a lot to take in. And it's really messed up, bro."

"You're telling me. That's what I've been living these past few years. You're lucky you grew up among these ponies, Spike. Ever since I've gotten here I've been getting run ragged. There was a time or two I got close to killing myself because I was just tired of dealing with all this shit. I really need an outlet, but I haven't found anything safe yet. I ran out of alcohol last night. I don't know when Scratch is going to start sending me barrels, but it'll probably be a while."

"What do you mean, an outlet?"

"A way to expend my growing rage and despair. I can't deal with this internally anymore. I've got to get it all out somehow. Luna is demanding me to go into the fucking Everfree forest. I'm thinking I'll just go in there with my new axe and kill everything I find that moves. I might even drag some of it out for you to eat."

He looked at me askance. "Why would you want to go in there?"

"I_ don't!_ I'm a fucking knight now, remember? I _have _to do as Luna orders. Damn her and Celestia both to hell for it. I'm tempted to kill myself to spite them. The only saving grace about that forest is that nothing in there can see me since I'm part tree."

He shook his head. "Your life sucks. Remember when I said I wanted to trade for a day? Never mind, bro; you can keep it."

"Figured as much. Hell, my streak of landing the mares is probably going to stop now that I'm back in Ponyville and no longer afflicted by that damnable spell. Back to another large dry spell for me. And it'll be even worse, since I'm going into the damn forest soon."

"When are you going to go in?"

"A few days. I've been learning what I can from Twilight and Fluttershy, though I haven't told either one why I've been asking. I just let them assume that since I took an oath to fucking 'defend Equestria' that I'm doing it so I can be better prepared to defend this place."

"Learn anything useful?"

"Yeah. That place is dangerous. The plants and animals both want to harm you. Very few explorers have gone there. Or rather, very few explorers have come back from there. It's widely considered evil but no one knows _why _it's evil. Or if they do, they're not telling anyone else. I blame Nightmare Moon, personally, but I don't have any proof." I shrugged. "And I don't want to go there at all. Seriously, fuck being a knight."

"Surely there are some benefits, though."

I snorted. "Yeah. Every night guard in Canterlot loves me. Assuming I have my axe on me I can probably order around any guard at all. That's pretty much it, as far as I've seen." I thought. "Well, there is one thing. I've gotten invitations to every event that's happening everywhere in Equestria. Derpy had to bring a spare bag for all the mail I've been getting. All that fire fodder is nice."

"Yeah, I wouldn't be interested in any of those either…"

"Rarity's kind of pissed at me, for telling Taya to burn them all. She thinks I should be going to each and every fucking event. I offered her the invites but she quickly declined. Hell, I even offered to take her as my 'date' to some of the more ridiculous sounding ones. When she read the invites to them, she declined again, saying she had something to do during every day the events were on."

Spike smiled grimly at that. "That's Rarity, alright. Always so generous…"

We talked for a good little while after that, with no fish taking the bait we had set up. That was just as well for me, since I had never cleaned one before and didn't really know how. I'd do my best to wing it, if we had caught one, but meh.

Around the time I figured we could head back without arousing too much suspicion, Spike finally got one: A massive tentacle came out of the darkness of the lake, grabbing the hook, line, pole, and almost Spike in one quick motion. It was only my reflexive snatch at him that kept him from being pulled under with his pole. He was too shocked to let go, and would have been ripped under if I hadn't been holding him hard enough for the pole to be yanked from his hands.

We were both staring wide-eyed at the lake, gaping. When we saw a single massive eye looking up at us, I almost pissed myself.

_There's no way this lake is big enough for… whatever that is_. That thought was followed by, _No wonder the fillies are afraid of this lake._ That was followed by, _Oh shit, can it still grab us? _I ran, pulling Spike behind me. He didn't report any tentacles reaching out of the lake for us, but didn't give me any qualms about being dragged either.

When we finally got to what I was hoping a safe distance, I breathed out, "What the fuck?"

"I have no idea, man. How is that thing even living in there?"

"I don't know! I don't think I want to know. I do know that I won't be going near that lake again."

"You got that right!" He shuddered, probably thinking about being pulled under the waves by something like that. "We gotta tell somepony about it, though."

"Hell no!" At his look, I explained: "Guess who would be called upon to deal with it. I won't lie: I wouldn't mind scuba diving some more. But not if I'm hunting for something that can eat me. It hasn't hurt anything yet, that we know of. I say we pretend we never saw it."

"That seems… dangerous, Nav."

"Yeah. But it won't be dangerous to us, because we know it's there."

He snorted. "Some hero _you _are!"

"I never claimed to be a hero. Anyone who called me that was wrong. I just occasionally end up in positions where being heroic is really the only option." He rolled his eyes, but didn't press the issue.

A few minutes into the walk back, he asked, "So have you ever actually tried hunting in the Everfree? If you don't decide to kill anything with your axe, can we still go in there sometime?"

"Tell you what: We'll go in after I finish exploring it. I should know where the game trails are by then, and where it'll be safest to bring you in."

"I know this might seem odd, but… How do ponies taste?"

"That depends on what they're eating, really. Diet plays a pretty big part in what something tastes like. Back where I come from, horse is supposed to be sweet, and very good. I've never had it, though. Here… I don't know. I'm sure most would probably taste pretty damn good. But I would only ever eat one if I was starving. And I'll hear no more talk from you about this. You may be a dragon, but to eat a sentient being… It seems wrong, to me."

He nodded. "I wasn't planning on it. But still…" At my look, he stopped. "So how should you deal with the bodies of dead opponents?"

"I left one pony to rot in the desert. The cats… Well, the assassin I killed got dumped in a river to hide this body. I don't know whatever happened to the few I killed on the liberation campaign. The naga camp was mostly burned with all the bodies in it, I later learned. Generally, treat your opponent with respect, if you are able. It is what you would want them to do to you. Don't let that stop you from fighting dirty, mind. But if he surrenders or is captured or is killed, be respectful. It never hurts to be polite, as long as you don't take unnecessary chances."

"You have some strange rules, Nav. Fight dirty and then be nice when they lose?"

"I'm not about to fight fair. I'm not stupid; I'd rather live and be called a coward than die and be called honorable. But when the fight is over and the enemy is harmless—or at least, as harmless as anything in this bloody world can be—there's no reason to be rude to them. If you're kind to a defeated enemy, their friends are more likely to be kind to you if you end up captured. In most cases, at least. Of course, if an enemy has information I need, I _will _learn that information. Celestia has refused to ever allow me to torture someone, but… she doesn't know the mind of a human. We've developed all manner of ways to get people to talk without leaving any visible marks."

"…So I just decided that whatever side you're on, I'm on."

"Good! I'd be terrified to fight a dragon. Especially one that could fly. Any fewer I might have to draw steel against is good news in my books."

"When you put it that way…"

"No take backs!" He smirked at that. "Me, I would never say I wouldn't fight someone in the future. There is no telling what the future may bring, and no telling what manner of promises might bite us in the ass."

"You speak from experience?"

"Not my experience, but the experience of many a human. Massive wars were started because one group agreed to help another group in a fight, and many people were killed because one group swore not to raise arms against another."

"I'll remember that, next time. How many wars have your people even fought?"

"No one knows. History has forgotten uncounted numbers of them. In the past hundred or so years, my people alone fought in eight or more. There were tons more in other places in the world. Millions died from violence. Bombs were constructed that could lay waste to entire cities. There were enough made, and made stronger, that the world could be killed hundreds of times over. Only two of those bombs were ever used in war, and they made a country that vowed to never surrender break."

"So," he finally asked as we were walking up to the first buildings in town, "with all your new experience with the ladies, do you have any more tips to give me about Rarity, if I continue trying to get her?"

"My suggestion is to just give up entirely. I don't think you want any part of her."

"Any part of who?" a pink blur asked, jumping out of some bushes and tackling me.

"I'm afraid that's none of your business, Pinkie Pie. Now, would you kindly get off me? My wings are not made to be crushed this hard."

"What, the big, strong human can't protect himself from a weak little pony?" she gently mocked.

"I was being polite. If you wan—" before I even finished, I rolled us both over, hauled her to her feet, and jumped on her back. When she opened her mouth to squawk in protest, I slid the crossbow off my shoulder and jammed the sling into her mouth; it would be an awkward bit, but it would do. I pulled on my makeshift reins to try to calm her.

She did not like that _at all_. I almost found myself sailing through the air; it was only my long time of practicing with Rainbow Dash those few years ago that kept me on her.

"Now Pinkie, that's no way to behave to your rider!" I scolded her. Spike was trying his best not to laugh, and I couldn't tell what Pinkie was looking like; she was giving me a run for my money, but I was done playing nice. I gently tapped her sides with my heels; I wasn't wearing spurs, but it got her attention. I felt her flinch when she realized what I could do to her. She quickly stopped fighting, her sides heaving slightly and her hair almost entirely deflated.

"That's a good girl. Now, my little pony, what have we learned?" I asked, not removing the bit. She tried to spit it out, or bite it, but I made sure it was strong when I had it made. "Hm… I bet I could make you prance me back to Twilight's library…" I could feel her quaking in indignation. "You're the one that attacked me, remember. Just be thankful I'm nice." I let the reins go and hopped off her back.

She shuddered slightly. "Now I know why the princess uses you…" she whispered, looking at me in something approaching fear. Then she smiled again, her hair returning to its massive bulk. "I sure did surprise you, though!" Most people, not knowing Pinkie Pie, would ask her why she had been hiding in bushes in the first place. I didn't bother, knowing I wouldn't find a decent answer.

"Aye, you did. And look where it got you."

"I'm not used to losing a wrestling match… My sisters and I used to fight so much that when I came here I never had any problems beating anypony aside from Applejack!"

"You've also never fought anyone that has an intense phobia of being constricted."

"I'll remember that, next time," she answered, smiling deeper.

"If there's a next time, I won't be as nice." She huffed. "No, that isn't a challenge. That's a warning that it doesn't need to happen again. It's hard to tell you've gone too far when there's a bit in your mouth." She looked contemplative. "And no, that doesn't mean to tell someone else to pounce on me, either."

"But Applejack would look so cute being dominated like that!" Pinkie Pie crooned.

"I don't know about cute, but it would be funny as hell. I don't think she would give up as easily as you did, though." We were nearing the library, now.

"You call that giving up easily?" Spike asked. "The way she was bucking and kicking, I thought you would go flying for sure!"

"I was a rodeo star, remember?"

I saw that click on Pinkie Pie's face. "No wonder I couldn't throw you off!"

When we got to the library, we saw all the rest of the cadre standing inside, discussing something or another. When Pinkie Pie saw Applejack, she got a glint in her eye.

"No," I told her. She looked at me with a smile. "No," I repeated. Her smile turned pleading. "Not just no, but hell no." Her look turned sullen. "There are not enough no's out there. I'm not going to stand out here all day, repeating myself." I turned the latch on the door, and entered into a debate that hushed itself as I entered. "Ladies," I nodded, walking in. Spike and Pinkie Pie followed me in.

The door slammed shut behind Pinkie. I looked around and saw them all staring at me. "Okay, what's this intervention for?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"You running from your problems!" Twilight said.

"Now Twilight, we talked about this," Rarity said to her. She turned to me. "We're not here to be confrontational, Nav. But you really do run from your problems way too much!"

To be fair, I had to stop myself from jumping through the window as soon as the door slammed shut.

"Okay. I'll stop. You can all leave now."

They all gave me that woman look, Pinkie and Spike excluded. "Do you really think we'll buy that?" Rainbow asked.

"I was hoping, yeah," I answered. "Okay, how about you name a few problems I dealt with by running away and I'll explain why I did so."

"When I… poisoned you," Twilight said. "You refused to talk about it and wouldn't have even listened to my apology if Taya didn't make you!"

"Talking wouldn't have solved a damn thing there," I said. "I was trying to save us time and an awkward moment. You know my mind works differently than a pony's. That wasn't running, that was being economical." She looked down.

Rarity sighed. "When Pinkie and I did… things to you, you never once truly confronted us about it, Nav." A few of them were confused by that. "What we did was wrong, but you never did anything!"

"It was my word against yours. No one would have listened to me. I was just saving more time. Of course, that was before I knew that Celestia could read someone's mind. By the time I learned, it was just a horrible memory that I still have nightmares about."

That got a few looks. "What are y'all talking about, again?" Applejack asked.

I waved a hand. "Pinkie and Rarity tied me up in Rarity's shop when I was a pony for a week and they took turns raping me."

"That's… not something to joke about, Nav," Rainbow Dash said.

I gave Rarity a look and said, "Next."

Fluttershy said, "After the dragon migration, when you were injured and came to me for help, you refused to follow my instructions and then let your pride take over as you ran back home, rather than accepting my help."

"I told you then: Your psychotic rabbit gathered all the animals in your house and they tried to attack me." She gave me a look. "I wish I was joking, Fluttershy. Angel is a dick and a psycho. Ask any of them," I said, waving my hand to the others. They all refused to meet her gaze. "I rest my case. I was doing myself a favor, getting out of your house. No offense to you; you're a wonderful nurse or doctor or whatever. You just have shitty housemates. Next."

Pinkie simply said, "Luna."

"Okay, let's see _you _face down the second most powerful person on the planet. Actually, no, not you. I could see you overthrowing Celestia with no problem. Let's see just about anyone else take on the second most powerful person on the planet. Avoiding that problem has kept me alive, even though it did come to a head. I blame Celestia for that. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, good."

"You're still hurting her, Nav!" Twilight asserted. "She may not know the details, but I'm sure she heard about most of your exploits that week!"

"Twilight, I don't care." All their breaths caught. "I don't love her." I shrugged. "I might one day. She's really nice and I know she loves me. But right now I'm too pissed off at her. Let her suffer. Let her feel every pang against her heart for what she's forced me into. I. Don't. Care. Next."

A few of them looked like they were about to cry. "You're awful," Rarity whispered.

"I know," was my answer. "Next."

Applejack finally said, "That party in the cellar. You managed to get away from Pinkie."

I smiled. "Yeah, that was funny. I don't really consider that running away from my problem, since running away was actually the solution. I couldn't fight her since she was forcing me to do something I didn't want to do. I wasn't going to let her win. Running away was really the only thing I could do." I smiled at Pinkie. "I managed to do it too." She shook a hoof at me, glaring.

Twilight's turn again. "You ran when you became Z."

I shrugged. "For your benefit rather than mine. Honestly, what do you think would have happened if I hadn't? Besides, it was a better show that way, and that's all that Celestia wanted." She sniffed.

Fluttershy again. "You convinced the two naga that were in love to give up their love and run away from each other."

"Pinkie's dad gave the best answer there: It's better that they drifted apart if they didn't really love each other. I didn't convince them to give up, I just told them how to do it."

Twilight yet again. "In Ramla, you ran away whenever you saw my brother and I acting… well, like a brother and sister."

"Because I remembered my sister. Imagine never being able to see your brother again. Now imagine seeing a brother and sister interacting happily, like you used to with your brother. What would you do?" She looked down. "I needed to get away to think. To try to repress my memories. I couldn't stand the pain, so I went where I wouldn't have to feel it for a while. It slowly died down, and I was better by the time we left." That's kind of the definition of running from your problems.

Rainbow Dash finally spoke up. "From everything I heard, you spent that entire week at the palace trying to avoid Cadance."

"Because she wanted to talk to me about Luna. You know her special talent is love. What do you think she would say if I told her what I just told you about Luna? She would probably crucify me. As an alicorn, she could probably get away with it. I tried telling her that at the beginning, when I first met her, but she refused to believe it. After that I didn't see any reason to continue trying. Her words: 'You aren't leaving my side until I make you feel again.' I didn't like the sound of that. And then she started talking about _fixing _me. That just pissed me off."

Pinkie said, "Just about everything in the dream machine that you and Luna went into. You killed everything without even thinking about it!"

"Okay, what the hell. How do you even know about that?" She just looked at me. "Yes, I did kill them all. But it worked. Nothing bad happened and it probably saved everyone time. You all get to dream now, congratulations."

Twilight said, "Navarone, you really have a problem. Why can't you just admit it?"

"Oh, I know you're right. I do run from my problems. What I'm trying to figure out is why that's a bad thing."

"Running from me is what made me angry enough to poison you," Twilight said.

"I got better."

"Running from Luna ended up with you almost dying in the throne room," Rainbow Dash said.

"I got better from that, too."

"Running from my home had you flying through town wounded and naked," Fluttershy said.

"I got better from that and no one really commented on the whole nudity thing."

"Navarone," Rarity said, "come here."

"Are you going to hit me again? Because if you hit me I swear to God I'll hit you back."

"You wouldn't hurt a lady!"

"I'm crushing Luna's heart, if you'll recall."

She looked pensive for a moment. "Never mind. You can stay there. But you simply must realize that this is bad for you! You won't get anywhere in life running from your problems!"

I looked at them for a moment before bursting out laughing. They gave me odd looks. When I got control of myself, I wiped a tear away from my eyes. "I'm richer than all six of you combined. I have the ear of both princesses, the king of Egypt, and Queen Chrysalis. A clan of bloodthirsty naga love me. I won a massive tournament in Maris and was offered a generalship in a griffin army. I'm a fucking _knight_! If you insist I keep running from my problems, you're going to have to accept that running from my problems has taken me everywhere in life."

That shut them up.

Until Fluttershy opened her fucking mouth. "And how happy are you? Do you really like any of that?"

_Fuck you, Fluttershy._ "Not a bit. I hate all of it. I'm tired of this life, I'm tired of being owned by royalty, and I'm really, _really _getting tired of ponies. There are times when it's fun, but then there are times like this. There are times when I look at one of your smiling faces and just want to get the fuck away, because I know if I don't I'll end up hurting someone or myself. Times where it takes all I can to keep self-control. The princesses have ruined me with their fucking jobs. The shit I went through in Egypt. The mental crushing I've been through dealing with politics. Having my mind raped by Chrysalis. I'm getting strung out. And now… Now I have to go explore the Everfree forest. I was going to put it off for a few days, but this conversation brought me to one of my points where I feel that I must get away. So if you would kindly move, I'll go up to my room and grab a few things and be on my way."

No one moved. I started walking anyway and just fluttered over them with my wings. They all stared at me in a mix of shock and horror as I walked up the stairs. I grabbed my sword, more bolts, several water bottles, and the rest of my knives. I thought for a moment and changed into a set of better clothes, and then grabbed all my gear. Then I went looking for Taya.

Before I found her, I found myself in a familiar and hated sitting room. "I'm not in the mood for this," I said before I even saw who summoned me.

"Tell me what's wrong, Nav," I heard Celestia say.

"As I said, I'm not in the mood for this," I said as I turned to face her.

She was on a couch, looking at me with concern. "Twilight told me you were having problems, but she didn't elucidate. What is troubling you?"

"Something that can't be helped. My mind is struggling again, and dealing with your damnable ponies is making it worse. I need to get away for a while, and Luna's fucking order to explore the Everfree will help with that. I just need to tell Taya I'm leaving."

Her look of concern turned to shock for a moment. "Explore the Everfree? Luna asked you to do that?"

"No, she _ordered _me to do that. This is what happens when you force me to take an oath that I didn't want. I am quite angry right now, so I would appreciate it if you let me get back to what I have to do."

"You are hurting, Nav. I cannot let you go into the forest in this condition."

"If you want to wait until my mind is better, we're going to be here until the sun blows. My mind is pretty much completely fucked up right now. I want nothing more than to hurt something even though I know it's wrong. I need some time off where I won't be able to hurt anyone important. So I'm going into the forest."

"No, Navarone. You need help. I was hoping you would be able to do this yourself, but I don't think it is going to work. When your friends tried to get together to help you, you blew them off."

"Because they weren't trying to help me. They were trying to change me."

"I think that to be helped, you need to change. A problem can't be fixed by not changing something."

I walked over to a chair and sat. "Fine. Tell me what you think I need to do."

"Letting go of your past would be a good start."

"Forgetting? I don't think that is a good idea. I am who I am because of my past, and I rather like who I am, even if I hate just about everything else in my life."

"I don't mean forgetting, Nav. I mean forgiving others for what they've done to you. You hold so much anger and sorrow inside. It is not healthy!"

"Oh. That. I would if I knew how. There's a reason I was trying to get Chrysalis to take it all away. I don't know what the hell she did to me, but it was… terrible. If that's how I'm going to act if I manage to put all of this behind me, I am not interested."

"Even if not doing so means you hurt those around you? Or yourself? Or Taya?"

"I believe I've already done all of the above. The thing about having so much pain inside is that adding more is almost negligible. I have done some terrible things while in your employ, and I've had some terrible things done to me. Given those, I've inured myself to the minor pain I cause others. If I can deal with so much worse, they can deal with the small stuff."

"To them, this is not small. My little ponies are not strong against this mental anguish, not like you've become. But I fear in becoming strong you've also become weak. Your mood dangerously fluctuates, violence is forefront on your mind at nearly all times, you seem to be having trouble controlling yourself, and the worst part is you not only know these things but you don't seem to care! You are hurting my ponies with your words and your actions. Not physically, but emotionally. You need help, Nav."

"I know. I already asked you what you thought I should do, and it is something I find myself unable to do. And if I'll act how I did when Chrysalis took some of the pain, I would rather continue as I am."

"You admit there's a problem. You ask for a solution. And you are not interested when I tell you what I think will work. Why must you be so difficult, Navarone?"

"Well that depends. Is it considered rape if my mind was under the influence of a mind altering spell?"

It was worth it to see her blush like that. "I apologize for that, Navarone. I was in heat. I do not ask you to try to understand, just that you forgive me."

"It wasn't the worst thing that was done to me that week. That might have been you letting Twilight do what she wanted to me. Or perhaps the aftermath of that." Now she wasn't even looking me in the eye. "Or maybe it was the large party I was persuaded to go to by a cute mare. The party where I was drugged and had who knows what done to me. Or maybe it was the life-ruining knighting ceremony I was forced—by you—to go through. You know me and you know yourself, Celestia. How easily would you forgive for some of those?"

She sighed. "It would be hard. I would do it, though, if I knew the pony responsible was truly apologetic for their actions." She looked up and I saw unshed tears in her eyes.

"Apologetic," I said. She nodded. "Then perhaps you can convince Luna to remove my oaths." She looked away. "That's what it'll take, Celestia. I _do not_ want to be oathed. You refused to listen to me. Luna gave me a chance to talk but she refused to listen to any of my reasons. Look at me." After a moment, she did. "I offered Chrysalis your kingdom. I was going to kill you and capture Luna. She refused. That left me with no other option but taking the knighthood." I stood. "And until you can remove it, I have a job to do. Send me back."

"You're just going to keep getting worse, Nav! I can't let you do this!"

"You will not earn my forgiveness while I am sworn to anyone. If forgiving is what you think it will take, remove my oaths. Set me free. I will try to get better. Until then, I fear I am of more use to Luna broken. Send me back." I'm honestly a bit surprised at how she took the news that I offered to kill her. I was expecting her to be rather angry.

Her eyes hardened a bit. "No. You are not getting your way by making me feel bad." Her voice was growing angry. "I tried reasoning with you. I gave you the easy way. Now here is your other choice: I will rip the painful memories from your mind. I will not have you endangering my ponies. You can either let go willingly or I can force you to."

I stared at her. She glared at me. "I already told you what would happen if you touched my mind without my permission," I told her.

"You'd thank me when it was over. I know how happy you were when Chrysalis took some of your pain. If it was _all _gone, you would thank me forever. And you could finally give Luna the love she deserves."

"And _my _feelings mean nothing to you? You know how different I was when just a little of it was gone. You'd be killing me just as much as you would if you stabbed me with your horn and summoned another human to replace me."

"Of course your feelings matter. That's why I'm giving you the choice."

"Then I choose death." With no other warning, I ripped my dagger out and it was into my chest before she managed to grab me with magic. "Let me die! I'll not live as a slave, no matter what you or Luna demand!"

"You aren't living as a slave! You'll be living as a subject! Why don't you want to be happy?"

"I _am _happy! I refuse to be owned. Release me so I can die!"

"No." My arm fell limp and my dagger was tossed away. Before any blood could be lost, the wound in my chest was healed. "What am I to do with you, Navarone? I offered you a chance to be happy and you tried to kill yourself. I offered you a chance to make everypony that knows you happier for knowing you. I offered you a chance at love for Taya and Luna. And you would rather die than have it. Why? Can you even explain it?"

"Because of the freedom of choice. I am a free man, Celestia. Or I was a free man, until you forced me to give myself away. If someone tried to force you to take a totally different personality, would you do it?"

"If I would be happier and it would make others happy, yes!"

"No human would. I would wager that most would choose death. I am not a pony, Celestia. I never will be. My mind works completely differently. You might have heard of the concept of spite, but I don't think you would have ever felt it. I would rather kill myself to spite you than allow you to ruin me. And I can almost guarantee that if you rip my mind open and continue to expect me to be able to do all the shit jobs you've been forcing me into, you will be very disappointed. You'll be left with a loving slave that has no use."

"I don't want you to be a slave, Nav. I want you to be a friend!"

"Then let me go. You saw how I was. I was better suited to be a jester than a friend! My mind is fine as it is, broken and all."

"It is not fine. But I believe you are correct when you say that I should not tamper in your mind. You need help, Navarone. We both know it. And I cannot make Luna let you go." She sighed. "Perhaps a vacation? Just you and Taya, if you want her there."

"Not interested."

"Anywhere in the world you want to go. I can send you there whenever you want and you can be there as long as you want."

"How about just me. The Everfree forest. Right now, for as long as I want to be there."

"That might be hard to arrange. There are plenty of openings in Tartarus, though. I've heard the sights are great."

"Okay. Go ahead and send me to Tartarus. Maybe I can find some more red diamonds for Rarity; she loved the last one."

"On second thought, Tartarus might be full." She sighed again. "Please, Nav. You need time to think. To decide what you really want."

"I already know what I really want, but I do need time to cool off. I am running on empty right now, Celestia." She was probably confused by that. "I have been dealing with nonstop shit for nearly a month now. The Maris party, getting trapped with that horrid woman, the week before the wedding and the week after were just terrible. I have been getting bothered ever since by someone asking me if I'm okay or if everything is alright. I've been trying to get out of Ponyville as much as possible, but sometimes they follow me. I can't talk to the ponies because they are incapable of understanding what I'm going through. They think they want to talk to me about my problems, but if I ever started it would just be a bunch of awkwardness all bundled into one tight spot. I just need to get away for a while, and none of them can follow me into the Everfree."

"You know me, Navarone. You know I can handle anything you ever want to talk about."

"And up until today you've been more interested in fucking me than talking to me. I know you're a mare, but you're x thousand years old. You should have some manner of control over that by now, Celestia."

"There are some things I can do before it starts to deaden the effects, but I never expected any of what happened. I was hoping for the weeklong Maris party to go by and then to have the rest of my heat cycle off, preferably finally fulfilling my needs for once rather than hiding from them." At my look of near horror, she quickly amended, "Not actually having children, of course! No, just coupling." She smiled wistfully. "Lots and lots of it, too…" The smile disappeared. "And then it all went wrong. If I let you go, are you going to try to hurt yourself again?"

"Only if you promise on your crown that you'll never do anything with my mind against my will."

"I can't do that. There are a few occasions when I might have to."

"I think any of those occasions might be something in which you would have my permission. I wouldn't want your kingdom to suffer because of something I know."

She was silent for a moment. "You have my word, then."

"Then you can release me."

She did. "Sit, Nav. Let us talk. Tell me what is on your mind." I went over to a chair and after thinking for a moment, began to speak.

I don't know how long we were there. It felt good to tell the truth, without all the lies I put into my journals because I know they're being read. It was nice, being able to tell how I truly felt about some things.

I was pretty much done when she looked out the window and said, "I need to meet with Luna to change the sun and moon, Nav. I will talk to her. You will need a good reason for why you no longer wish to be her knight, because you and I both know she will be very distraught."

I nodded. "I have a few excuses. But since we're being frank here… Why do you maintain the illusion that you control the sun and moon?" She was surprised at that. "After so long, surely the ponies would allow you to rule by merit alone."

"I am going to pretend I did not hear that, Navarone." I could tell by her tone that continuing on that vein would be dangerous. "I expect Luna will be coming here soon, so be prepared."

With that, she teleported out. While she was gone, I grabbed my knife from where she had thrown it. Ten minutes later, Luna teleported in.

And she was crying. Fun.

"Why don't you want me?" she practically wailed at me.

"Who said I didn't want you, Luna?" I asked, holding my arms in a placating gesture. "I don't want to be oathed to you. I'm still working on the whole love thing."

"Tia said you didn't want to be my knight and that you only did it because she made you!"

"Well, that's true. I told you upfront that I didn't want to be knighted or to swear any oaths. I do not want to be owned and I do not want the responsibilities of a knight. That doesn't mean I don't want you."

"But being my knight means we can be together without any repercussions!"

"No, it means that in any relationship we might have, you would completely own me. You would be in complete control. That isn't a relationship, Luna. That is slavery." That shut her up for a bit. Finally I said, "You really have two choices, Luna. Nav, or Sir Navarone. I can't be in a relationship with someone that has full control over me. It just wouldn't work."

Silence again, aside from her sniffling. After a while, she whispered, "I want two promises from you."

"Name them."

"I want you to promise me that you'll give me a chance when my time is up."

"And the other?"

"I want you to still be my knight, even without the oaths."

I didn't like either of those. But at the same time I knew it was the best I was going to get. "Deal. Come find me when your seven years are up."

She gave me a small smile. "As a princess of Equestria, I release you of all oaths pertaining to Equestria and her ponies. Now, you're taking me to dinner."

The door opened and Celestia walked in. "I'm afraid not, sister," she said aloud. "Navarone and I need to talk. He made me a promise as well, and your time is not yet up."

Luna glared at her. "How long have you been listening?" She didn't sound very pleased.

"I heard your last statement," Celestia answered. Yeah, she heard the last statement. What else did she hear? "Unlike some of us, I prefer getting a bit of exercise."

"As I recall, you teleported to the ritual chamber," Luna said, cooling down a bit.

Celestia shrugged. "Every little bit helps. It's hard to keep this figure at my age. Now go on, Luna. Nav and I do need to talk."

Luna spared one last look to me before walking out. The door slipped closed behind her.

"So how much did you really hear?" I asked her.

"All of it. I teleported to the door as soon as she disappeared. You are manipulative, Navarone. And I believe you have a promise to me that you need to fulfill."

I grimaced. "I wasn't actually expecting you to be able to do it. I'm disappointed; I was hoping to stay the same." I shrugged. "But I said I would do it. Even if it'll be hard. I forgive you, Celestia. And I hope I'll be able to remember that."

She nodded. "So do I. Now there is one more thing you can do for me, while you are still in Canterlot."

"What do you need?"

"Shining Armor returned from his honeymoon last night. I want you to help him practice mind reading. He never was good at it, though as the captain of the guard he needs to get better. I looked into your mind once, when you allowed me to, and the chaos inside rivals that of anything I've seen in a very long time. If he can learn to traverse your mind, he can travel through the mind of anypony."

"I think I'll pass. He probably isn't very happy with me after the memories I gave him, and I really don't want to see him."

"Part of letting go of pain is allowing others to do the same, Nav. He realized that what he did was wrong, and you need to realize what you did was also wrong. You could have easily hidden everything from him, but instead you chose to strike back, angering him into trying again and again. I offered to remove the memories for him, and he did accept the removal of two sets, but he kept the third. But you need to talk to him, Nav."

"Am I being given a choice here, or is this another one of your do it or bust things?"

"You tell me," she said as the door opened and Shining Armor walked in.

"I'm going to go with something I'm forced into," I said before he could say anything. "I don't know why you are so cruel to me, Celestia."

"Because it's fun," she answered with a small grin. "Shining Armor, Navarone has volunteered to help you practice searching minds."

He opened his mouth but I broke in, "I didn't volunteer. She said I had to."

He gave Celestia a look before turning to me. "You don't have to, Nav. And… I apologize. It was not my place to try to force my way into your mind. I most definitely learned my lesson, even if most of the memories don't remain."

I smiled. "Celestia said you kept a set. Which one?"

He scowled. "The one that reminds me why I am a royal guard. The things Kat did to you should never have been allowed, and if I ever catch wind of them happening here I will crack down so hard the guilty parties will still be reeling when they are in prison."

"Oh, that's why? Are you sure you weren't just the teensiest bit interested in all that she taught me?"

He blushed. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about. If you don't mind, I would like to get started. Cadance is missing me right now, I fear."

Celestia and I shared a look and a smile at that. I turned back to Shining Armor. "By all means. And as incentive to do well, I'll give you… Well, I don't really have any happy memories, do I? How about this: If you succeed, I'll give you memories of flight. Failure results in feeling what I felt the first time I killed something."

He blanched a bit at that. Celestia said, "That seems fair to me." He looked at her in shock. She said to him, "You are my royal guard captain. It would be good for you to understand how it feels to take a life as Nav did. It is one thing to kill monsters from the Everfree that actively torment my ponies. It is another thing to take a life of something that can think and feel and isn't directly threatening your charges."

He sighed. "Very well." He walked over to where I was sitting. "Prepare yourself, Navarone." When I nodded, his horned glowed and a light pulsed to my head. "A void… I was here the third time. What do I do, Princess?"

"Explore. If you find resistance, try to slip around it rather than batter through it. Navarone's mind is not like a pony's. His human mind and his tree-like qualities allow for much better defenses than most ponies have."

I could feel his presence in my mind, too. I know it's hard to imagine, but try thinking about another consciousness in your own brain, rooting through your memories and emotions, or trying to. You can attempt to partition them away, which is what I started doing to Shining Armor as soon as he entered. By now his position was so small that I would be surprised if he could move at all.

When I started filling where I put him with the feeling of dread, he flinched. "I can't move!" he exclaimed. His presence began to fight, trying to push back against my mind.

"Stop fighting, Shining Armor," Celestia advised. Her horn glowed as she joined him. After a moment she said, "He has you trapped, but he left you a way out. You just have to find it."

I felt the pressure slowly ease down. He began muttering, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. After a moment I felt him find the crack and he pushed out of the trap and into a labyrinth. "What's this?" he whispered loud enough to be heard. He began to move forward.

I saw Celestia's horn begin to glow again and I felt another small presence join him. "This looks like a maze," Celestia said in surprise. "How is this even possible?" Her mind withdrew from mine.

I was too busy keeping the form of the maze in my mind to answer. It _was _difficult, but I still occasionally play through the Tower of Hanoi in my mind in my spare time, so it wasn't too difficult. I have plenty of practice holding things in my mind.

Celestia smiled. "Go forward, Shining. I believe you will know when you are going the wrong way."

His presence began moving forward. Given that we were in a three dimensional area, he probably could have went up or down and bypassed the entire thing, but the thought never occurred to him. Whenever he started going the wrong way, I dissuaded him with increasing feelings of dread until he got back on the right path. As he got closer and closer I gave him more and more joy.

When he got to the end he saw three doors. "This trap again?" he asked with a bit of horror. "I've fallen for this before, Nav! You won't catch me again!"

Celestia's horn glowed as she looked in again. "You see what he's showing you, Shining Armor. You see _only _what he's showing you. There is more there, you just have to look for it." She stayed there, probably to see what he was going to do.

I felt his presence move, inspecting each door. Each one had the same thing behind it. I wanted to see what he was going to do. After a moment his mind jumped, striking between two of the doors and into the barrier I had put up around him. He didn't get through. He struck again and again.

I yawned. He growled as his presence stopped. I felt it begin searching the confines of the trap. He found the crack I left quickly enough. He pushed through it to find himself mind-presence to face with Chrysalis. He flinched back a bit before pushing forward. She was smiling at him as she lay on a bed, one of her hooves drawing little circles on the sheets.

He kept going. The next image was of Cadance doing the same thing. He growled again at finding that in my mind. He kept going. Then he found himself on a bed. He was facing away, tail raised and ass in the air. He was looking back with what most ponies seem to think is a sexy look. The real Shining Armor looked like he was about to be sick as he kept going.

"You have quite the imagination, Nav," Celestia said with a smirk when she saw it.

"You shouldn't mock a stallion's desires, Princess," Shining Armor answered with a strained smile.

The next obstacle stopped him. It was a river of blood flowing as far as he could see in both ways. He couldn't go under it. He began to feel around for any cracks, but there weren't any.

Celestia said, "Remember where you are, Shining Armor. This isn't the physical you, so you can have any shape you need and you can do anything you can think yourself capable of."

He gasped. "I could have floated over the maze!" I smiled and he scowled. With a jump he cleared the river with no problems. I thought, _You still don't understand_. I let that resonate throughout my mind. "I don't understand what?" he demanded. I just let laughter loose.

Celestia didn't give him any answers as he continued. He found himself in a marsh, hard to traverse. He smiled as he floated over it. That smile lasted until he bumped into an invisible wall. _You have to figure it out_, I thought, letting it bounce around him.

"Figure what out?" he asked, honestly sounding confused.

Celestia finally said, "You can do anything in his mind, but you still continue to follow _his _path. There is a weakness in Navarone's mind. He knows it. I know it. You need to find it. If you can, you can stop following his mind and start finding answers."

He started looking. He found cracks that I easily sealed as he tried to pick through them. After a while, he stopped. "I can't find it," he said.

"Yes you can," Celestia answered him. "I found it as soon as I met him. I could flay his mind open and he couldn't do a thing to stop me." _Other than kill you_, I whispered to them both in my mind.

Shining Armor gaped. I began to enclose him within my mind, allowing more dread to fill in. _It's so simple_, I whispered. _Something you see every time you look at me._ _What am I? What do I lack? What am I defenseless against?_

He finally understood. "_Magic_!" His horn glowed even brighter as he used his magic to force a hole in my defenses. I gave him the memories of flight. "No. I want to know of your past, Navarone. Your home." _You will not have these memories_. "Then I'll take them! I want to see what it was like there." He began pushing in, looking for what he wanted. I gave him every horrifying memory I had of my time here. All the helplessness and terror I felt.

He kept coming.

I reached my hand out and grabbed his horn. Before he could react I pulled his head back and shot my fist out to punch his throat, collapsing his windpipe. I stood up and kneed him under the chin, throwing him back. He fell, trying to force air through something that no longer worked.

Celestia let him remain that way for a minute before healing him. "The most important lesson in dealing with somepony's mind," she said, "is to always make sure that you restrain them before doing something they do not like. If you had gotten somewhere Navarone did not want you to be, he would have killed you. That is why you only ever use this against those that are accused of a crime, and then only to confirm or deny guilt. You learned just about everything you can against Navarone. You'll have to practice against a unicorn sometime; they have different defenses. Now, I believe you owe Nav another apology."

Shining Armor shakily stood. "I… am sorry, Navarone. I know it was wrong. I knew it as I was doing it… But I want to know more about you and your people. Surely that is nothing to be deplored!"

"If the knowledge shared is by choice, no," I answered. "But there are things no one here knows. Things I shall not tell any of them. They don't even know my real name. Probably never will, now. I can, of course, answer some questions for you. But you will have to settle for words; setting up all those defenses wearied my mind, so giving you a guided tour would be difficult, and I don't want to risk showing you something you shouldn't see."

"I understand. I would not want anypony in my mind if they tried to look through something I wanted hidden." I nodded. "I do not wish to take up any more of the Princess's time, however."

"You know where I live, then. I'll be away for a while on business, though. Perhaps we can meet the next time I'm in town." _Just keep your evil wife away._

He nodded. "Princess. Nav." With that, he walked out and away.

Celestia turned to me with a smile. "It isn't often I see a fight in front of me."

"That wasn't a fight, Celestia. That was an ass whooping. It's a good thing I caught him completely by surprise, or he probably would have mopped the floor with me. I'm not a fighter, not really."

She kept her smile. "You have such _odd _phrases! If the fight had turned ill I would have stepped in. And if you had let him go too far I would have stepped in as well. I will not let your secrets go so easily to those that have no business in them. I admit curiosity, but I will not betray your trust to satisfy myself. Now, some of what you showed him…" She shuddered. "Where did that image of him come from, Nav?"

"It is as you say: I have a large imagination. I like women too damn much to be gay. I just knew it would creep him out. He had already seen some bad stuff in my mind, what with the whole Kat thing. I knew he could take it while still being unsettled."

She shrugged. "It worked. You showed him enough that he can probably sneak through most minds without resorting to barreling through them with magic. Most minds wouldn't even think to use a maze, let alone create one. How did you do that?"

"It was hard. Very hard. I kept thinking that he would notice that there wasn't a roof and just float above it, but he never did. It's probably good that he didn't, because I don't think I could have stopped him as quickly. And it's also a good thing that you stopped him from entering any of the doors."

She nodded. "I saw what you hid there. It's a shame you had to do it, but I do not want any conflict in my territory, especially not when any of my ponies might be harmed." It was, of course, my first kill. Going for the doors meant he failed, as far as I was concerned.

I shrugged. "It's long done. Do you need me for anything else? I'm sure Taya is probably worried, and I need to prepare properly if I am to enter the Everfree come the morrow."

She raised an eyebrow at that. "You had your oath removed. Why would you still go into that evil place, Nav?"

"Because in a way, Luna is correct. It does need to be explored. And I know that manticore from before didn't see me. There's a good chance the animals there can't even see me."

"I will not forbid it. It does need to be explored. But would you mind if Luna and I watched out for you while you did, just in case?"

"Sure. I'll probably be staying in there for weeks, though; I don't need to eat often, and I know there are some kinds of edible foods in there, as well as sources of water."

"We won't be able to watch you all the time, of course. There will be times when we will have to put our full attention on what we are doing. Just be careful, as always."

"Don't worry about me, Celestia. I'll be fine."

"I hope so. Now, are you ready to go back?"

"I really don't want to see any of them right now…" She gave me a look. "But I know I have to. I'm ready."

"Until next time, then." Her horn glowed and off I went. Fucking unicorns, man.

I found myself back in the library. All of Twilight's friends had left, and both Spike and Twilight looked like they were about ready for bed. Taya was lying on the floor, looking glum.

As soon as Taya saw me, she perked up. When I looked as though I had gotten my bearings, I was under attack from a hugging filly. "Spike, save me!" I cried as I was dragged to the floor.

"You're on your own, bro," he told me, not looking up from what he was doing. _Some bro you are._

Thankfully, the hug didn't last long. Taya got off me shortly. "So when are we going to the Everfree?" she asked me, finally letting me stand.

"_We _aren't going any time soon," I answered. "_I _am going either tomorrow or tonight, one or the other. You are going to stay here; no reason to endanger another needlessly, after all."

She gave me an obstinate look. Ever since Taya realized how little protection I have against any form of magic, she has grown increasingly protective of me, at least against physical danger. There have been a few exceptions, what with the whole Twilight poisoning me thing, but Taya has been doing her best to stop any manner of pain from reaching me.

And she supplemented her 'protection' of me with magic. She took to learning it with a passion rivaled only by Twilight. It scares me, when I think of how powerful Taya is getting. She could already handle me like a baby those four months ago when she burned me. Now… Now, she's occasionally able to give Twilight a run for her money. And it had only been about five months since she started learning.

How do you say no to a daughter that could swat you aside like a fly? Twilight's parents managed. I'm sure I'll figure something out.

"You seem to be thinking I would be in danger," Taya answered. "I think I'm considerably more able to protect you than you are able to protect yourself."

"Magic does not make you invincible," Twilight told her.

I added, "Celestia thought she could best me like that. I shot her before she even knew I was there. You may have magic over me, but don't think that makes you perfect."

It didn't seem to faze her much. "You know how to shoot from a distance. But what if something attacks you up close? I've studied anatomy and I've looked over your crossbow. Unless you get lucky or aim well, you won't be able to stop something with one shot if what you are shooting at is too close. It might eventually die, but by then it will be too late for you. And I'm afraid I can't have that."

All three of us were a bit shocked by her wording. I recovered fastest. "I've been protecting myself for longer than you've been alive." Not technically true, but she didn't know a lie detecting spell. "I do not need, nor will I have, a babysitter to get me through a bloody forest."

"She isn't entirely wrong, Nav," Twilight said, before Taya could hit me with a rebuttal. I gave her a glare. "I don't mean about her going! But do you really think you should go in there alone, after just one test? I don't think you should go in there at all!"

"Since you're making such a big issue over it, it was Luna that told me to do it. She wants to know what all is in there."

Twilight nodded slowly, but before she could say anything Taya said, "I know we're supposed to respect her, but why does she want you dead? Everything she ever asks you to do ends up with you in dangerous places! Why do you keep listening to her?"

"Because right now I have no choice. I am magically oathed." That was a total lie. "I am going into that forest alone, because that way I have less people to worry about keeping track of and protecting. No one knows what all is in that place and what all is dangerous. We know some animals don't notice me. The same isn't true of ponies. I don't want to risk anyone. So I'll go in as a short test and if all goes well I'll explore the place thoroughly. There's no reason for anyone else to go with me, unless I find something worth noting."

"What about as a scientific cataloguer?" Twilight asked. At my look, she continued, "As you said, no pony knows what to expect in that forest. A proper catalogue has never been done of the plants or animals in there. I'm just thinking—"

"And the answer is no," I finished for her. "Or, if you really want to do a catalogue, teleport me a few inches to get an attunement to me and then do whatever it is Celestia does to eavesdrop on everything I do." She frowned, and I realized then that I wasn't supposed to have thought of that. I continued, ignoring her looks. "That way, I won't be in any real manner of danger, since you can teleport me back at any time anyway. And you'll be able to hear whatever I'm saying, as well as who knows what else. As long as you're just doing it in this instance, I'll be okay with that." Better three watchers than two, where my life is concerned.

Taya had been itching to break in, and finally saw her chance. "Can I do it?" she begged.

Twilight and I both answered at the same time with a very firm "No."

"Why not? I think I'm strong enough to teleport someone now!"

_I can't trust you to just watch me in the forest_, is what I was thinking. From her look, Twilight was thinking the same thing. I answered, "Twilight has more spare time to watch me. You're too busy learning." _And Twilight won't be watching all that often_, is also something I wanted to say but left in my mind. I turned to ask Twilight, "I don't suppose you could modify the spell to allow you to send me some manner of instructions?"

"Modifying spells is dangerous business, Nav. Especially with something like this. There's a chance you might be forced to perform the instructions, no matter what they are. It also might be possible to completely hijack your mind on accident, and turn you into nothing more than a puppet."

"So never mind about that," I said. "Just tell me what to watch out for when I head in."

"That's not to say it isn't already possible, of course," she amended. "I don't know much about that kind of magic. I know how the princess does it, but I've never done it myself and I have no idea what it would be like. I'll have to ask Princess Celestia."

"I think I'd prefer not to draw something like that to her attention, though. She already has enough control over me. No reason to let her control me directly in the field and ruin all my effectiveness."

"How would having the princess looking over your shoulder more make you less effective?" Spike asked.

"I work well because I do things no one expects. Tackling an assassin. Flying into a camp of honorable enemies and slitting throats while they sleep. Lighting fire to the homes of women and children. Celestia wouldn't let me do any of those, or wouldn't think to do them. I don't need her barking orders in my ear that I'm just going to ignore. So yeah, just don't worry about it. No telling if it would work on a human anyway."

"Seems like all the more reason to tell her," Twilight muttered. Louder, she continued, "While I think this entire thing is foolish, I suppose I could try to help you, Nav. Since it's for Luna, that is. If this is something you were planning on your own, I think I'd put Taya in charge of you so you wouldn't go near that forest."

"Silly Twilight," I said, patting her on the top of her head. "Don't think you can ever stop me from doing something I want to get done." She didn't look impressed. I just shrugged. "I have time on my side, remember?" _And two very powerful princesses._

"I have magic on mine. And I have Taya on my side as well." Taya did her best to look grave.

"Taya is on my side, though. Isn't that right, daughter?" I asked, looking at her.

She looked down, and said, "I'm on the side that means you don't get hurt or leave me."

My face softened a bit, but I said, "So like I said, my side. And Spike has already agreed he doesn't want to be against me, so he's either on my side or neutral."

Twilight looked at him, and he smiled sheepishly and said, "We were talking about something else. If he chooses to look at it that way…"

Before she could formulate a response, I jumped in. "All of this is neither here nor there. You said you would help me, and I plan to hold you to that. And Taya, no more talk of using your magic to force me to stay safe. I know you don't like that I endanger myself so, but I know better what I'm doing than you."

"But…" she said, looking up at me before breaking off. I waited for her to finish, but she couldn't find the words.

"I know how you feel, lass," I said, trying to soften the blow. "I'm not much a fan of getting hurt. But I can barely feel any physical sensations anymore. I'll be fine."

"If you're so confident," Taya said, "how about a bet?"

"I'm listening," I replied, folding my arms across my chest.

"If you get hurt in the forest, you don't go in again with me or Twilight to protect you."

I snorted. "No deal. 'Get hurt' is way too broad. I could stub my toe and get forced to carry around dead weight because of it. No offense," I added, nodding at Twilight, who responded by rolling her eyes.

"Not so confident now, eh?" Spike joked. A glare shut him up.

"I will be fine. That is the end of it. If I'm not needed for anything important, I'll visit the forest for a quick test-run tomorrow. If all goes well, I might end up spending the week there."

"And you expect me to be in your head for a week?"

"I'd be perfectly content to be alone in my head, actually. You are the one that wanted to do some manner of catalogue or something. And she's the one that wanted you to protect me," with a nod to Taya. "Feel free to do whatever you want, as long as you only ever listen in on me when I give you permission."

"I'll keep that in mind." Her horn glowed and I found myself standing outside. _That wasn't very nice_.

I went back inside. "Well?" I asked. "I've always wanted to know how much Celestia really knows about what I do. What can you tell?"

She shuddered after a moment. "I forgot how weird it was to have human eyes… It's like looking through your eyes. And I can hear everything I'm saying. I do _not _sound like that!"

"Anything else?" She flinched.

"I can hear everything you say and know you're saying it, but I have no idea what you're thinking. Hearing you talk through your ears and through mine is… discomforting."

"So you can hear with my ears and see with my eyes. Can you taste or feel anything?"

"Try doing something."

I pulled a bolt out of my quiver and drew a thin red line down my arm. I barely felt it, and it didn't bleed that much. Spike flinched and Taya cried out and ripped the bolt from my grasp with magic. I lifted the wound to my mouth and sucked at it for a second. "Well?" I finally asked.

Twilight was just staring at me with one of the stranger looks I've gotten. When I spoke up, she jerked her head suddenly and said, "Nothing. I don't feel or taste anything. What is _wrong _with you?"

I shrugged and answered, "I barely feel it. If it's bothering you, by all means," I said, offering her my arm.

Taya beat her to it and healed it, giving me a bit of a glare, before turning her eyes to Twilight and saying, "Are you sure I can't lock him away? It's like he revels in pain!" I don't know if she was joking.

Twilight answered, "We've been over this." _Really_. She turned her purple gaze to me, correctly guessing my thoughts. "Don't worry about it, Nav." That did little to assuage my fears, I guarantee you.

Instead of responding to that, though, I said, "Taya, you know how tough I am. I've come back from some terrible things. A few near death experiences and all manner of other injuries. I've been through some terrible shit, and I'm not about to let a damn forest best me. The tree stuff in me means that I'm tougher than just about anything out there. I'll be fine."

She didn't look like she bought it.

I rubbed a bit at one of my temples. I looked at Taya. "Sleep on it. I promise I won't leave before you wake up." Taya looked a bit uncertain, but nodded. "Good. Now go on ahead to bed. I believe I have some words for Twilight."

Taya sighed and went up the stairs. With one last backwards look at me, she stepped out of sight. Spike followed her up much faster; he was always a heavy sleeper, and loved doing it.

Twilight looked at me. "How was your talk with the princess?"

"It went well. She was able to take a lot off my mind. And you need to talk to your brother about respecting privacy. He actually kept some of the memories I forced on him before his wedding, and he tried to take more today."

"You're going to explain that later, but you're not going to get me off track. What did you and Princess Celestia talk about?"

"She was able to convince Luna to remove my oaths, thank God. I'm free again, but still a knight." I said that quietly, hoping Taya wouldn't hear. "And I was able to talk to Celestia freely, something I don't have the liberty of doing with any of you. I hate taking up so much of her time, but given that I rejected the other offer she made, I was forced into talking."

"What offer did she make?"

"Ripping the painful memories from my mind. I didn't even know that was possible."

"I didn't know it was either. I know the basics of mind-reading, and apparently my brother knows more, but I didn't know it was possible to steal memories away! Wait... what do you mean you can't talk freely with any of us? We're your friends, Nav. You can trust us with anything."

"No, I can't. I don't even trust Celestia. But if any of you knew some of the stuff I've done, it would be bad. And if any of you knew the truth of some of what I've felt, it would be bad. I don't trust Celestia any farther than I can throw her, and I can't even pick her up. But I know she understands more than any of you, so I tell her some."

"You have a lot of problems, Navarone. Why don't you think you can trust us? After everything we've been through together, you still don't trust any of us! Why?"

"Because you can't handle the truth." I've always wanted to say that. "It would be bad for some of you, knowing what I'm going through. And it would be bad for me to have you know. I'd rather use someone other than those I see every day as my emotional crutch. Besides, most of the secrets I've given some of you end up getting out one way or another. So I'd rather just not give any of you any secrets."

She gave me a sad look. "Do you ever listen to the friendship reports I or my friends write for Celestia?"

"Hell no. Sentimental tripe. I know all the lessons you send, I just don't live them. Most don't apply to me." I shrugged. "I'm okay with that. I'm not a pony, I shouldn't be expected to live like one. That's something a lot of you keep forgetting."

She sighed. "You're right. But I think you're bad for a human, as well. Now, what's that you were saying about my brother? When did you give him memories?"

"Before his wedding. He asked me for something and I refused to tell him the answer. He tried reading my mind. It didn't go over well for him. I gave him some memories that I knew would disturb him." I shrugged. "Nothing too bad. But I did give him those two weeks with Kat, so he was in some physical pain for a while. Today, Celestia asked me to help teach him how to read minds easier. I did. He managed to rip through all of my defenses looking for memories I didn't want to give. It did not end well for him, and he didn't get the memories. Nothing much to it."

"What happened to him, then?"

"I kicked his ass." She gaped. "He was a bit distracted at the time. It wasn't hard. What?"

"You attacked my brother? And _won_? He's the captain of the royal guard! And my brother!"

"Well, he was trying to take something of mine that I hold sacrosanct. If he had managed to get to the memories, I would have killed him."

Oh, now she was absolutely livid.

Before she could say anything, I said, "Go to bed, Twilight. You need some sleep."

She glared at me for a moment before going up the stairs.

I sighed, alone at last. I looked around me a bit. Really, not being able to sleep is just annoying as piss. I settled down in the library to read through a few of the books yet again.

A note from your friend Discord

While Taya slept, I came to her in her dreams. Luna could police dreams now, but she was too busy trying to come up with a way to invade human dreams with a machine that seems to be tuned to ponies.

I came to Taya in the guise of Navarone, since that is what she knew. We were outside Ponyville, a place she knew well enough from the occasional walk she joined Nav in. "Taya, this isn't an ordinary dream," I told her. "I am real, here."

"Are you using Luna's dream machine?" she asked, looking around herself for a moment before settling on me.

"Something like that, yeah. Tell me, what have you learned about humans since I found you?"

"I haven't learned anything about humans," she said. "I've just learned about _you_."

"That answer means a lot more than you think it does," I told her with a smile. "How old do you think I am?"

"A little over twenty."

My smile widened "I am several billion years old, Taya."

She froze.

"And my name isn't Navarone, either. You might have heard about me in a book Twilight has had you study. Have you ever heard the name Discord?"

She shook her head.

"Do you know what it means?"

"Conflict among ponies."

"Quite. But it isn't just ponies. It's a conflict between anything, really. Discord isn't just a concept, and it hasn't been for a long, long time." I told her some of the history of Discord.

When I finished, she was silent for a while. "And you say you are this Discord."

"I am."

"And you are omnipotent."

"Yes."

"And everything that has happened since you started all went according to some manner of plan."

"Not everything. For example, _you _were unexpected." That was a little bit of a lie. "I worked you in well enough, though; ever since I met you I have been supplementing your unicorn magic with my chaotic magic. In time you will surpass Celestia in raw strength."

"This is all a plan. What is the end result?"

"I will rule. And I _will _rule, don't mistake me. That isn't part of the plan. That is exactly what will happen. And I will not be ruling alone, either. I have gathered a few allies and friends around me."

"Like Twilight?"

"No, not like Twilight. She is the slave of Celestia, for now. I may subvert her, in time, but I don't think I'll need her. No, Taya, I have others."

"Like me?"

"Maybe. You see, you have a choice now. You know what I aim to do. You know it will mean betraying your people. It will mean ruling alongside me and a few others. And if we somehow fail, it will mean taking the punishment that goes along with it."

"I will always stand with you, daddy. You found me when I was lost, and you took care of me when I was broken."

I held out my hand. She took it with her hoof. I started shifting to Discord. She watched with a mix of fear and fascination. When I was finished, I snapped my fingers. In the blink of an eye we were in my forest haven. Trixie jumped to her feet when she saw us; she had been reading some manner of book on magic, millions of years old. She blinked when she saw who was with me.

Before anyone could say anything, I asked, "How are the plans coming along, Trixie?"

"The Elements have been corrupted, master," she said, bowing. I noticed a few changes to her body from the last time I had actually _looked _at her. Her cutie mark had been perverted into a talon on one side and a lion's paw on the other. Both hands wielded puppet handles.

"Excellent. And our field agents?"

"The cats are doing their jobs well; the king teeters on the edge, and we could easily have him if we but pushed. The naga, however… They were always fragmentary, even back when they were the biggest power in the world. We have one clan on our side, but we could have all of them if you gave me the resources I need. A ready-made army…" It was an old argument: She wanted the chosen one the naga all seem to await while I really didn't care either way.

The naga's chosen one wouldn't actually have had any kind of power among the naga clans. Their chosen one had been destined to kill me. It was an incredibly powerful dragon seer that predicted it, and I knew it for truth when I heard it: The chosen one would have killed me, bringing permanent peace and harmony to the world.

I protected him through his entire life, invisibly. There were several instances where he would have died without my intervention, but he never knew it. He created a massive army and led his against mine. I couldn't openly aid him, of course, but I still gifted him my invisible assistance.

I fucked up. I fucked up big time.

Every time he was supposed to die… He was supposed to learn something from each of those instances. He was supposed to overcome them himself and become strong. Without beating those challenges himself, he was too weak to cast me down, or to even lead his army. It fragmented terribly under ineffectual leadership. Lords and ladies aplenty realized what a wonderful opportunity it was to increase their own petty influence with anyone they could.

The entire resistance movement shattered. I don't want to describe what happened to the guy, because it was bad. Very, very bad. The story of his rise and defeat never made it to the naga, who were at that time period incredibly isolated. It wasn't for another thousand years, when the chosen one was well forgotten, that they began to leave their caves. Now, the naga still look forward to the coming of the chosen one, but they don't even remember why.

I continued talking, "Good. I'm still working on getting our dragon agents. I have one in the bag, and I'll be meeting the next convert in a few weeks. He'll be a tough one; he knew me back before I was banished. I'll manage, though."

"Master," she whispered.

"Now Trixie, I know you are curious. Feel free to ask."

"Who is this?" she asked, looking to Taya, who had been watching the conversation with much curiosity.

"The newest addition of our group."

"A filly?"

"Not just any filly," I replied. "My daughter, of sorts. Adopted, of course, but I suppose that's as good as anything, for something like me. Not like I'm able to have children anyway." Trixie sighed wistfully. I reached out with my talon and gently stroked her neck. She practically purred with pleasure. I pulled my hand back and she slumped slightly. "Taya, this is Trixie. She is the first one I stole away from Celestia's grace."

"Nice to meet you, Taya," Trixie said, shifting her gaze with a noticeable effort. "Has he given you any gifts yet?"

Taya looked back and forth from me to Trixie. If I didn't know any better I would think she was second guessing her decision. Trust me, I knew better: I could see into her mind. She was trying to think if I had or not, or if she knew what Trixie meant. Finally, she settled on nodding. "He saved me," Taya said. "And he helped me become strong."

Trixie nodded gravely. "He did the same for me. And he'll do the same for Equestria. It is a shame Celestia has fed them all so many lies…" She sighed. "We will teach them, though. _All _of them," she finished with particular fierceness, and I knew she thought of Twilight when she said it.

"It will be a little while yet, Trixie," I reminded her. "I could take this world right now, if I wanted it. But I don't want to just _take _it. I want to _own _it. You can't expect someone to just give you their loyalty. You have to earn it, as I did with you and Taya."

"Yes, master," Trixie said reverently. "I understand." I knew she didn't understand, not one bit. I was okay with that; I didn't require her to understand, only to obey.

"Good," I answered. "Now carry on," I said, gently cupping her chin up to look me in the eyes.

"…Yes…" she whispered in a sultry tone. I slowly let her go, and she blinked.

"Taya, come along." I led her away from Trixie, who watched us depart with desire in her eyes.

When we were far enough away—which doesn't mean anything in this place, not really—I said without stopping, "You won't turn out like that."

"I know," she quietly answered.

"And yet, you're worried anyway. She won't become your mother, either."

Taya sighed gratefully.

"Now, where do you think we are?" I asked, still walking.

Taya looked around, seeing the shifting terrain as we walked further and further into my domain. "It _was _a cave. We've passed through a palace, a desert, a forest, an empty town—"

"Yes, enough of that. So, _where _do you think we are?"

She thought for a moment. "Everywhere?"

"Technically you are correct. My mind shifts, sometimes, and this place responds to my mind. And since I am everywhere, this place shifts quite often. But as to the actual physical location? We are about a mile underground in the Everfree forest."

I felt her mind click with the realization. I continued, "Yes, the Everfree forest. Where Navarone is planning on going soon, _with Celestia's blessing_. Without knowing more, this doesn't mean as much to you. Basically, Celestia and I—I being Discord, that is—have an agreement going right now that she doesn't remember making. Part of that agreement is that I will get some of my powers back when I am a human. But I have to get to this safe haven as a human to do it. The problem with _that _is that this place moves. It is always under the forest, but the physical entrance moves around. I'll spend a little while in the forest until I find it. And then I'll spend a little longer here, because there are some other things I need from the forest." I stopped talking for a bit and we walked on.

She drew the right conclusions herself. "And you don't need any pony watching over your shoulder while you're doing them. And you surely don't need me to be protecting you…"

"You can't know how touched I felt when I realized how much you cared about me. You might not believe it, but you are the first pony to ever care that much for me." First _pony_. "But you are correct on both accounts. When you thought you had killed me, you did just enough damage to almost blow my cover. In the end, though, what you _really _did was give me as much time as I need to enact the plot. Before, I had less than eighty years. Now I have thousands. It won't take that long, but it was a great help."

It felt good, to know the last bit of guilt finally left her mind. I picked her up and held her for a minute.

I finally set her back down. "And yes, your other point is correct as well. It will be okay for Twilight to watch while I do some of what I have to do; there isn't that much to be done, and only some of it can't be seen by anyone else. When I get to this place, all unicorn magic will fade. If you were to try to do something magic, for example, it wouldn't work." She took my word for it. "But there will be a few other things I don't need ponies watching, because they'll try to 'save' me from doing them. Distract Twilight as you can. Ask her questions. Keep her busy. She doesn't know as much magic as Trixie does right now, but she is still a good teacher, and probably has more control than any regular pony still alive. You won't grow any stronger in magic for a while; I don't want to raise too many suspicions. I won't start teaching you to use my powers until you are a bit older."

She nodded, pretending to understand.

"Now, in a month or so I'll get injured very badly in the forest. I'm just telling you now so you won't think I'm losing my touch or something like that. There is a reason for it." She wracked her brain, trying to think of what it might be. "Don't bother, daughter. Trying to understand some of what I do is fruitless."

We got to a dark abyss and stopped. I turned to her. "Taya, this is your last chance. If you follow me into that abyss, you will stop being the daughter of Navarone. You will become Taya, Daughter of Discord. I give you this option one last time, and after this there is no going back. If you choose not to follow me, we will walk back to Ponyville and you'll have forgotten everything we talked about, other than that I don't need to be protected. You will live a very eventful and important life until you die of old age. Or you can follow me."

I stepped into the abyss, watching her eyes the entire time.

She never once blinked.

She never once hesitated.


	40. Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Eight—The only difference between curses and gifts is your perspective

The next morning I left, bright and early, carrying my battered falchion strapped across my back and with my crossbow slung over my shoulder. I had my bolts in a quiver tied about my waist, for easy access. I had a few straps of throwing knives strung across my chest. Full water skins slapped against me occasionally as I took a heavier step than usual. I didn't carry any food, the axe, or the armor. The axe would be pointless, food would be dead weight, and I honestly didn't think I would need the armor.

The few ponies that were out and about gave me wide berths, until I ran into Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, who fell into step beside me.

Rainbow Dash said, "So Nav, I've been thinking—"

"That's a nice change," I broke in. Pinkie Pie giggled and Rainbow Dash glared at me.

"As I was TRYING to say," she continued, "don't you think it might be good fun if we had a little competition of sorts?"

"Of sorts? And what kind of 'sorts' would those be?"

"Oh, you know… Running, wrestling, a few other minor physical things."

Pinkie Pie nodded, jumping in. "We can do dancing, too! And we can hold a big party at the same time! It'll be so much fun, Nav!"

"Uh huh. I thought there was already a running competition held in autumn."

"Yeah, but it doesn't have any of those other things!" Rainbow Dash answered.

"I see. And tell me, did you have anyone in mind for some of these competitions?"

"Weeellll," Rainbow Dash began, but Pinkie Pie broke her off.

"We know you can't really run as fast as any pony, Nav, so we were thinking you could compete in something else instead. And since all of us have been getting in a lot of dance practice, it wouldn't really be fair to the rest of the town if we were to compete there."

Rainbow Dash butted in again. "We were thinking you could, you know, wrestle! I mean, you're built well enough for it, after all. I think you'd be able to give anypony a run for her money!"

"Do you, now?" They both nodded. "Tell me, do you see any potential downsides to your plan?" They shook their heads. "Then you aren't doing enough thinking." They looked at each other. "What happens if I lose?"

"Nothing!" Pinkie Pie said. "It's all in good fun, after all."

"Yep, you didn't think it through… If I am to be a knight, I can't go around losing fights against ponies. What kind of knight can't beat the people he's trying to protect?"

"But if the ponies see that somepony is able to beat even the big, strong human, they'll grow more confident in their own abilities!" Rainbow Dash tried.

"Possibly, yes. Some probably would. And tell me, what happens if I win?"

"They all know you're much better than ponies at wresting?" Pinkie Pie guessed.

"Well, yes. But it will also remind them that they aren't very good at fighting. Most ponies aren't. If I am able to beat their best, what will the rest think about their own worth? And a lot of the threats out there look a lot more dangerous than I do, so if anything does happen and we end up fighting anything, the ponies will remember how they lost to something like me."

They looked at each other. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" I asked.

Pinkie Pie sighed. Rainbow Dash finally asked, "So what would it take to get you to wrestle Applejack?"

"Do you know where she is right now?" I asked.

"Probably at the farm. Why?"

I changed my direction. It wasn't much of a detour, and I should have weeks to explore the bloody forest anyway. They followed along with my change of direction. We were a little ways outside of town now, and they had yet to even think to ask where I was originally headed.

"But you told me no yesterday!" Pinkie Pie accused.

"And look where we are today. You don't know how to accept the word no, at least not when it comes from my lips. Maybe your mind will change when it comes from Applejack's lips."

They tried hiding smiles, but it didn't work. I just shook my head and kept going.

They kept up their discussion about possible fun things to get the town to do. None of what they discussed sounded all that fun to me, but I guess that's what I get for being a human. Or being a guy.

It didn't take us that long to get to Applejack's farm. We caught her and Big MacIntosh heading into the fields. It was, as I said, rather early.

"What are y'all doing out here?" Applejack asked.

"They want you and me to wrestle," I answered

"Uh. Why?"

"Ask Pinkie Pie," I responded.

Pinkie Pie replied, "Ask Rainbow Dash."

Who passed the buck back to me, with "Ask Nav."

Big MacIntosh was staring at the group of us with his gentle amusement. Applejack turned her confused eyes back to me. "Fine, I'll tell her the fucking truth." Before Pinkie could try to stop me, I did just that, including Pinkie Pie's mention of how cute it would be to watch Applejack get beaten like that.

So Pinkie got to be doubly embarrassed, once for everyone learning she lost the original fight and once for the reasoning behind why she wanted to see us wrestle.

I concluded with, "I don't know why Rainbow Dash wants us to wrestle. But they wouldn't take my no for an answer. I was hoping they would listen to yours."

She turned her eyes to Pinkie Pie and said, "That's kinda creepy." She then shifted her gaze back to me. "I think I know why Rainbow Dash wants us to wrestle. But I'm going to have to agree with you on this one, Nav. She'll just have to fight her own battles…" she finished with a toothy grin at Rainbow Dash, who audibly gulped.

"Good," I said with a nod. I adjusted the crossbow. "If there's nothing else you need, I've business for the princess to attend to."

"I was wondering why you had so much stuff on you. Good luck in the Everfree. And I'm glad you're feeling better," Applejack said. "If you need any help, you know where I am. Now c'mere, you two!" She grabbed Rainbow Dash's tail with her teeth and tried to get Pinkie Pie, who rushed to my side.

"I think Nav needs my help with something! Don't you, Nav?"

I snorted and started walking. She quickly fell into step beside me, doing her best to look official. I heard Applejack dragging Rainbow Dash away. When we got out of earshot to the others, she asked, "So why are we going to the Everfree, again?"

"_We _aren't. We are going to the edge of the forest. I am going in the forest. You are going wherever it is you go during the day when I'm not around."

"How can I help you if I stop following you when you get to the dangerous part?"

"By not being in my way if I need to actually fight something. And you aren't here to help me. You're here because I'm helping you escape whatever fate Applejack had planned for you. And no," I said to the look on her face, "I don't want to know what she had planned."

"Why can't I come?"

"Because I'm going to be in there for over a week, probably. I didn't bring any food at all, and we don't know what in there is safe to eat. I'm not going to be stopping at night and I don't want to babysit you while you sleep. And if anything does go wrong, I have at least one guardian angel looking out for me, to bring me to safety. You don't."

"You're no fun sometimes. So why are you going in there anyway?"

"To explore, see what I can find. I know there are some ruins in there, and Luna wants as many of them found and explored as possible. God knows why, but I've learned it's safer to just say 'Yes Princess' and hope you survive."

"They really scare you, don't they?"

"They have absolute power over me. If either one deems me a threat, no one will question them if I disappear. If either makes a few ponies disappear, some questions might be asked. The human, though? Who knows what he's capable of."

"Neither princess would do that, though… Would they?"

"They haven't yet. And I'm hoping they won't. But we're here, and this is where we part."

She stopped at the edge of the foreboding forest. I kept going. Before I got too far, she called, "Are you sure about this, Nav?"

Without turning, I yelled back, "Nope." She was the last pony I saw for a while.

I won't relate the three weeks I spent in the forest, discovering all manner of new plants and animals. I won't relate the number of close calls with animals that didn't know what I was that almost erred on the side of caution in trying to eat me. I won't relate the effects a few plants had on me when I barely brushed by them—nothing permanent, thank God, and nothing major due to my… condition, but annoying nonetheless.

I will say, though, that watching the sun rise over a massive expanse of trees, perched on the tallest braches of the biggest tree in the entire forest, was a site I'll probably never forget. I will say that three weeks is entirely too long to spend alone, awake, with nothing but the hope of something new to break the monotony. And I will say that when I finally found something interesting, it almost killed me.

It was near the end of the third week. I was so bored out of my mind that I had been taking potshots at animals with my crossbow for a few hours before I actually stumbled into the ruins. Literally, I mean: One second I was walking in a clearing, the next thing I knew I was several feet underground, with sunlight pouring into a small hole in the ceiling.

I tenderly picked myself off the floor, feeling for damage, and then looked around me. "Well well, what have we here?" I had taken to talking to myself almost from day one. An old habit, one that was hardly helpful. In this case, though, it proved its use: As soon as I spoke up, some manner of lights went on all over the place I was in.

_Holy fuck_. "Twilight, I hope you're paying attention." I was at the top of a massive, steep staircase leading deep into the earth. Blue flames lit the way down, and I couldn't even see the end of it. The entire thing was littered with cobwebs, but the flames were making short work of them. I saw flares from burning web going as far as my eye could see, and an acrid stench started making its way to me. I tried turning to look behind me to see if I could escape the stench before it got worse, and saw behind me some manner of inscription. Looking at it made my head hurt, so I quickly averted my gaze.

I looked back down. "Welp, I'm not about to _climb _that." I stretched my wings. _Just the right size_. Good. I backed up as close to the back wall with the horrid inscription as I could get. With my wings brushing against the wall, I ran forward and jumped head first down the stairs, gliding deep, deep into the ground.

I pulled out of the glide as soon as I saw the ground becoming some manner of flat and did my best to rub the pain out of my eyes. Gliding through smoke like that is a bitch. I'm kind of lucky I even saw the ground. I readied my crossbow and tenderly pushed forward, trying to see if there was anything moving down there.

I didn't see anything. When I reached the flat ground, I saw that the hallway ended a few feet on, with nothing else in sight. Suddenly, I heard a booming voice, seeming to dig into my mind, "Who goes there?"

I answered aloud, "Navarone, a human explorer."

"Who do you side with?"

"Whoever holds my leash. That is currently Princess Celestia."

"Celestia…" the voice whispered, disturbingly reverent. Louder, it continued, "Do you seek your freedom, Navarone?"

"If it is my lot in life to be an eternal servant, well, I suppose someone has to do it. If I can be useful, does it matter how?" A chuckle answered me, and suddenly the walls all around me disappeared, or were perhaps pushed back several meters. Around the new walls were lined a series of marble altars, each bearing an item. The stairs behind me disappeared. "Pick an altar, and approach." I approached the left-most altar first.

On it stood a picture of my family. My family… They were as I left them. It was a picture I well-remembered, and it was one that I was supposed to be in. My spot in the photo was empty, and looking at it filled my stomach with a pit of sorrow. The faces on the portrait slowly went from their normal amused looks to looks of grief and loss, and then back again. The voice in my head opened up again, "Would you go back, if you could? Go back to your real life? Wake up from your nap, to find it was all a dream? No wings, no eternal life, no talking ponies? Would you give all of this up for a normal life?"

I don't know how long I stood looking at that picture, before I achingly tore my eyes away from it and woodenly forced my way to the next display.

On this altar stood a pair of stones, one blue and one pink. The voice didn't say anything. I tenderly reached out a finger and touched the blue one. Nothing happened. I shifted my hand to the pink one.

There was a sudden fierce pain in my chest and crotch. I cried out, clutching both areas. Dimly, I noted that my cry was a lot higher than it was supposed to be. The pain only lasted a few seconds, but it was intense while it did. When it was over, I had a massive coughing fit, and ended up knelt down on the floor. I saw more than a little blood on the ground when it subsided.

I felt the afflicted areas and noticed that I was considerably more female than I had been before. There was more giggling in my head. I tried to force myself to my feet. I couldn't make it all the way, and instead tried running my hands along the altar to find the blue stone. I knocked them both on the floor in my frenzied pawing, but that was thankfully enough to revert whatever the hell the pink stone had done to me.

When the change was done, I took a few careful swigs from one of my nearly empty water bottles, trying to get the taste of blood out of my mouth. I saw the two stones on the floor and shuddered slightly. I felt around my pockets for my gloves and slipped them on, then returned the stones to the pedestal. Thankfully, I suffered no ill effects, and I learned quite a bit of caution.

I kept the gloves on and gingerly stepped to the next pedestal. On it stood an exact duplicate of the lighter I had given to Celestia to give to Luna. "What does this one do?" I asked, hoping the voice would answer.

"A flame that never needs recharging. Limitless fire."

"That could mean a few things. Does the fire it set burn eternally as well? Or does the fire go out just as easily as it would from a normal lighter?"

A candle materialized next to the lighter. I slowly picked up the zippo and flicked it open. _I forgot how sweet that sounded…_ With a beautiful scratching sound, a flame started flickering and dancing atop the nozzle. I lit the candle and closed the lighter. I blew out the flame. The dead candle disappeared back into the void. I opened the lighter again and relit it, and then tried blowing out the flame. It went out.

"Word play. If you say something to me, voice, say what you mean. A lighter that doesn't need fuel is useful." I lit it again and left it standing on the pedestal, and moved to the next altar.

On it stood a mask with a single crack going down the center, bisecting it neatly in two halves. On one side was a smile, on the other a scream. "And this one?" I asked.

"With it, you can take the form of anyone. Pony, dragon, naga, cat, dog, griffon. Doesn't matter."

"I sense a but in there."

"The mask is imperfect. One detail will always be wrong on the person you are trying to mimic. It might be something noticeable, it might not be. And if you take the place of something like a naga, you will not be able to breathe underwater, or do magic if you mimic a unicorn. If the person you are mimicking sees you… Well, there's a reason half of the mask is a scream."

I moved on to find an empty altar. As soon as I stepped near it, I felt a feeling of… peace. I ran my hand over the top of it, to see if something was hidden. The voice was silent and I didn't find anything. I moved on. As I got farther away, the peace left my mind.

I moved to the next pedestal. On it stood a suit of clothing as black as a moonless night. They stood out on the marble like a Jew at a charity event. The clothes looked about my size. "Move invisibly, even in the brightest day."

"Is there a cost?"

"As soon as you put them on, you are forgotten until you take them off. Everything you did, everything you said, your entire existence, forgotten. Only you will remember, until you take the suit off."

I went to the next one. On it laid a simple ring, with twirls of some unreadable text all about it. "Immunity to magic," the voice said. "All magic. You can't fly while wearing it, for example. You can't be healed or held, either. No teleportation or eavesdropping."

I moved on. The next altar held a bag. "Bag of holding?" I asked. The voice murmured an affirmative.

I went to the next one. On it was a coin. "With that in your pocket, you'll never want for money. There will always be another coin for your hand to find when you dig for one." Like I need that.

On the next altar was an old fashioned key with a skeleton of an unrecognizable animal engraved into the end. "No locks will ever bother you. You can unlock whatever you want."

Next was a quill pen. "You will be able to convince anyone of your position if they read it."

I looked up and saw that there was one altar left. On it was a simple hand mirror, face down. "Whoever looks in that mirror will see themselves as they truly are, for better or for worse." I quickly pulled my hand away from that one.

I walked to the center of the room. "Interesting collection, voice," I said. "Why did you show me this?"

"These artifacts are collecting dust down here. You are only person in over a thousand years to come here. The last... Well, she was an interesting case. Some people can't resist temptation; she looked in the mirror. But that's enough of that. You see, Navarone, none of these things are doing anything useful down here. Don't you think that's due to change?"

"So you want me to take these things."

"Don't be greedy, now. I might let you take a few of them. If you could have any one of them, which would you take?"

"Is there a cost?"

"Would I be offering them to you without first discussing a price?"

"You did not say no."

"I'm starting to like you, human. There is no cost."

I checked to see if the lighter was still burning. It was. I looked over the rest of the objects, thinking of uses for each of them. Except for the mirror, that is. That one could stay here and rot, as far as I was concerned. And I didn't think long on the way home. The pen could be easily abused. The clothes are too dangerous. The gender changing stones could be fun, but since I was the only human anyway it isn't like that really mattered. The lighter would be fun, but if I could only have one of these objects it would be a waste. The mask could be fun, but it could also get me killed. The coin would be useless, the key would be fun. The bag could be really useful, but since I didn't have to worry about carrying food or the like it loses a lot of its use.

The ring, though… It would put me on a considerably more even footing with any unicorn I ran into. Including Celestia and Luna. "I would take the ring," I finally answered. The lights over the altars of the portrait, the coin, and the lighter went out, and the wall seemed to converge upon them, shrinking the room. I looked at the altar with the ring and blinked: It wasn't there. Then I felt a warm weight on my finger. I removed my gloves, and found I was wearing it. I slipped it off and put it in a pocket. The ring altar slipped away and the room shrank yet again.

"Another?" the voice whispered, a caress at the back of my mind.

"The key." The altars of the clothes, the bag, and the mirror slid away into the wall. The key went into a pocket. The only ones left were the pen, the mask, the stones, and the empty pedestal.

"Your last?"

The pen is too dangerous. The mask is too risky. Hell, Celestia wouldn't let me keep either. "Is there any symbolism to the empty pedestal?" I asked.

"That item—or rather, those items—were taken long ago. Long, long, long ago. It is just an empty altar, now."

I'm not one to leave with nothing. "I suppose I'll take the stones, then. Who knows, maybe they'll prove to be of use." I put one of my gloves back on and threw the stones into the other glove, so I wouldn't accidentally touch either of them if I reached into a pocket. All the pedestals sank back into the wall, and the room shrank down to its original size of a small hallway. I was standing near one of the pedestals at the time, and when the room shifted I found myself shifted as well. It was somewhat disorienting.

"You know, Navarone," the voice said, "most people—people, ponies, whatever—that entered this place would ask what it is, and what I am. You didn't." I didn't say anything. After a while, I heard the voice giggle again. "So be it." At that, I found myself back in the clearing. I looked around for the hole that I fell into, but I couldn't find it.

I sat back against a small tree on the edge of the clearing and thought over what I had been given. Would Celestia let me keep any of what I had been given? The stones, sure; there was no way I could use that to my advantage. But the key? The ring?

I figured I had a few long days to think about it, as I continued to explore the forest. However, as I stood to continue on my journey, my surroundings shifted and I found myself in Twilight's library. I blinked my eyes in the relatively dim light and tried to get my bearings.

"You're alive!" Twilight exclaimed, and rushed forward to hug me. She recoiled as soon as she got near me, though. "And you smell _terrible_!"

"I've been in the woods for three weeks with no change of clothes. Of course I smell terrible." I looked around to see who else was here. I saw and nodded at Celestia, who was wearing an amused smile on her face. I saw Taya, who was alternating her gaze between me and Celestia. Spike was watching from a little ways away. "What brings you here, Celestia?"

"You completely fell off the map, Nav," she answered. "Do you know how hard that is?"

"I what now?"

Twilight answered, "I saw you approach a clearing, and then after that there was absolutely nothing." While she was talking, my hands went to my pockets on either side, where I had hidden the ring and the key. I casually fingered the ring, thinking about slipping it on. "I contacted Princess Celestia as soon as you disappeared."

"What was in the clearing, Nav?" Celestia asked. I flipped a coin in my head and said fuck it.

I walked over to a table and put all of the objects on it and turned to face them. "I found… I don't really know how to describe it. I was walking, and then my weight suddenly opened some manner of shaft or something under me. I fell a few feet and may have been knocked out. When I came to, I was at the top of a massive staircase. Behind me was something that made my head hurt. As soon as I said something, lights flared all down the staircase, burning centuries of cobwebs. I jumped down the stairs and let my wings carry me down. When I reached the bottom, I heard a voice. It offered me many things. These are what I took. When I was done, I found myself back outside, in the clearing. I couldn't find the hole again for life or money."

Twilight, Taya, and Spike were looking over the items. Celestia said, "Describe the voice you heard."

I sighed. "I say 'voice' lightly, not knowing how to really describe it. It was… a sensation, more than a voice. Instead of words, I felt memories. When it 'spoke,' it spoke with an amalgamation of my memories, using words and sounds I have heard in the past. When it said my name, I remembered dozens of voices, recalling the concept of my name perfectly. That's the best I can do."

Spike was reaching a hand out to touch something on the table. I slapped his hand away. He rubbed it and eyed me with his bright green eyes. "You don't know what any of those do," I told him. "You're lucky you didn't touch that pink stone."

"What _do _they do?" Twilight asked.

"They key supposedly unlocks things. The stones… They change your gender. Blue for male, pink for female. The ring..." I picked it up and slid it on. "Do your worst," I said, looking at Taya.

She looked at me uncertainly, and then at Twilight. Before Twilight could say anything, though, Taya blasted me with some manner of spell that completely dissolved as soon as it touched me. _It works!_

Celestia and Twilight were openly gaping. It was worth all that I had been through to see Celestia look like that. Taya was nodding slightly. Spike smiled and said, "Well, Nav, it looks like you found your equalizer."

"Damn right," I answered, nodding and smiling, balling up my fist.

Celestia shook her head, snapping out of it. "Nav, we can't just let you keep magical artifacts you found in a mysterious place in the middle of the most evil forest in the realm! There's no telling what the cost might be! You're lucky you even got out alive."

I shrugged. "You can have the stones. You can even have the key. But you will have to pry this ring off my cold, dead hands." I think that might not have been the right thing to say. I thought Celestia was about to actually get angry, when Twilight broke in.

"You don't have to let us keep them, Nav. Just let me study these things for a little while. I'll give them all back if they're safe. You have my word, as a friend."

There was a moment of silence in the room. I looked at the ring, and then at Twilight. I slowly slipped it off and put it on the table. _A few years ago, this would have gotten violent._ Spike let out a bit of a breath.

"What else was there?" Celestia asked. I told them. I left out the portrait, and I didn't mention that the mirror had been used.

When I finished, Spike said, "And of all those, you decided to pick these stupid stones?" He flicked at the blue one.

"Every time I picked, a few other choices were removed. At the end, the stones were the safest choice. The others were too dangerous."

"They were," Celestia agreed. "You shouldn't have taken any of them, but since you did, these are probably the best you could have picked. The clothes would have caused massive confusion. I would have confiscated the mask or the pen. The coin could unbalance the economy if it fell into the wrong hands. I would have destroyed the mirror. I wouldn't have minded the lighter or the bag. Tell me, do you think you could find this clearing again?"

I shook my head. "That forest is deceptively huge. I was in it for three weeks and I have no idea how much of it I covered. I was planning on coming home soon enough for a bit of R&R. That place… Something in it seems to seep into you, if you spend enough time there. I feel like I should be looking over my shoulder constantly, even though I was mostly safe in there and I know I'm safe here. I've said this before, but… that place needs to be burned to the ground."

"Noted," Celestia answered. "If you go back in, keep an eye out for that clearing, or anything similar to it. Make sure Twilight knows. I want to see it for myself."

"Very well. If you don't need anything else, I really need a shower."

"Yes, you do," Celestia sniffed. "I'll get these items back to you as soon as possible, if they're safe." She picked up the items with magic. "Well, we know the ring only works if it's attached to somepony."

"I was hoping you could let Twilight test them, actually," I said.

Celestia looked at Twilight, and then back to me. "She might not know what to look for."

"I think I'll take my chances," I answered.

Celestia tried to stare me down, but I don't give in easily. "I don't," she finally said. She and the items blinked out of the library.

Twilight let out a deep breath. "You shouldn't risk antagonizing her, Nav!"

"And you shouldn't tell me that _you _will study something of mine, and then let her take it away! If she decides she prefers me without a way of defending myself, I will never see that ring again. My only chance at equality, ripped away!"

"I'm sure the princess wouldn't do that," Spike said.

"I'm not," I answered.

"And what if they really are dangerous?" Twilight asked. "I only know so much about magic, I might miss something. You know that forest is dangerous. I know you know, because I watched as you almost got eaten several times. Why risk it?"

"Because any possible dangers are outweighed by the ability to ignore magic."

"Are you truly that afraid that a unicorn will hurt you?" Taya asked, finally breaking her silence.

"Honestly, no," I answered. "But I think it is always wise to take precautions. Yeah, so Celestia probably won't ever hurt me. What happens if she decides to, though? And if not her, who knows what kind of enemies I might make in my life? Yeah, I'll probably never need it, but why take chances?"

"You're paranoid, Nav," Twilight deduced. "And you smell. Go take a shower."

"No, lass. You smell. I stink." I went to take a shower and get out of the grungy clothes. My hair felt like greasy grass and smelled like it was rotting. I think I'll leave the descriptions at that. I had been planning on stopping at a lake or something—one without a tentacle monster—before coming back, but that option was pulled away.

The shower done, I started cleaning my gear; my falchion had pulled a bit of overtime as a machete and a number of knives had dried stuff on them from all manner of plants and animals.

By the time all of that was done, it was nearing nightfall. I figured that I had gotten back just in time to end up alone for several bloody hours. I found Twilight poring over some manner of notebook.

"Some of those species you found in there were really interesting, Nav," she mentioned, not looking up. "Not much you did with them was very scientifically sound, mind, but I suppose you did the best you could."

"When a wolf made of wood is trying to decide if it wants to take a bite out of you, I think you'll find your mind wanders a bit away from science. You're lucky I managed to stand still long enough for you to even see it."

"Wooden wolf? I think Applejack or her granny might know about those. I don't remember seeing you run into it." _Of course._ "I was talking about some of these plants! I can't believe they were actually eating small animals."

"Saw one rip a bird right out of the air. I was rather shocked at that, too."

"I could tell by your reaction." Yelling, drawing my blade and slicing the thing right in half. Too late for the bird, but not too late for me. I avoided those plants, after that.

"There are things like that in my world, but nothing that lives this far north. That forest is chaotic."

"If you do happen to go in there again, can you bring out some samples?"

"I have some, actually. I just forgot about them in the excitement of my return." I went to find my nasty clothes, and dug some stuff out of some pockets. "I didn't exactly have anything to put stuff in, so I improvised," I said, setting down a few water bottles. "I also found a few bones and teeth and whatnot on the ground floor." I dumped a handful of stuff on a table. "If you were wanting live samples, well… Too bad, I guess." Some of those plants had effects that I didn't want to bring to a pony.

She pounced on the samples with glee. I left her to them and went to have a conversation with Taya. That done, I put her to bed, and wondered what the hell I was going to do until morning._ A guy can go insane on a schedule like this_. Twilight was apparently still working, but she was muttering some big sciencey words, most of which I didn't feel like listening to. I settled back to watch her, in a stance that I one day found I could stand in for hours without blinking or moving an inch. Being half tree is useful, sometimes.

My mind wandered freely, though. It hit over several things, branching off in several directions. One thing I thought about often was what I had become. I was no longer a human, not anymore. I had a human shape and a human mind, but I don't think human was enough to describe me. I thought over many terms and descriptions, and settled on ent. Not completely accurate, because of my wings, but what the hell else could I call myself? Though, it isn't like human had any real meaning to the ponies anyway. They know _I _am a human, and if I am now an ent, what's to stop them from thinking humans are naturally ents?

Then it hit me: The fuck do I care? I'm still one of a kind. Who cares what I'm called, if I'm the only one of whatever I am out there?

I noticed a sudden break in Twilight's mutterings. I broke out of my reverie and shuffled through what I had half-heard her saying. I deciphered what she was looking for and went to a nearby shelf and brought it to her without a word. She said some manner of thanks and I returned to my post.

We worked like that for another few hours. I occasionally answered questions or helped her with something, and then she went back to work. It was like one of many nights with her. Eventually, it got to be that she was yawning more than she was muttering. I shook myself and started putting things away. Probably not as well as Spike would have done it, but he was asleep.

When I had most of the stuff put away, I pulled a complaining Twilight to her bed. "Just one more…" she started, but I never learned one more of what since she interrupted herself with a yawn. "C'mon, Nav, it's only a few minutes past nine…" It was well past two in the morning, I reckoned. She yawned again. "Maybe just a few minutes…" She was out before I got a few feet away from her.

I went back down to the library proper and looked around. "Another long, lonely night," I said aloud.

I stood like that for a few more seconds, just thinking.

I suddenly found myself standing like that a few dozen miles away. I shook myself and looked around. "Your eyes settle in some interesting places, Nav," I heard a voice say. _Luna_. I saw we were in the throne room. No guards were around. Luna was at her throne, with a smile of sorts on her face.

"I don't tend to pay attention. And you aren't supposed to be paying attention. I seem to remember an agreement of that nature."

"You don't pay attention, hmm? So you just spent a few hours staring at Twilight's backside for nothing, I suppose. Oh, and as to that agreement? Celestia revoked it when you went back to Africa, if you'll recall."

"And it went back into place when I returned home, unless you have permission from me."

"So you thought. And so Celestia thought. But I don't remember ever being told that. And my, my, a mare could be jealous, with some of the things I've seen you up to."

"I'm going to assume I'm not here so we can talk about… _this_."

She got straight to the point, and dropped her semi-mocking smile. "You made Celestia rather upset today."

"Yes, I suppose I did. I don't take kindly to someone trying to take something of mine."

"Even if it's for your own good? What if what she took might be dangerous?"

"Yes, even if it's for my own good. Besides, it's about time Celestia learned that she can't always get what she wants. She might be a princess, but she's still an adult."

"Is that really why you think she was mad? No, Nav. She's mad because you still don't _trust _her. Of all of her subjects, you are one of the few she's close to. Just about every other pony in this kingdom treats her with respect, but also a great fear. She's a princess with so much power that she could probably destroy cities at a whim. No pony knows how to deal with that, and so few are willing to put much personal trust in her. Then you come along, with your talk of weapons that can lay waste to a planet. So many in your world have access to things like them that you are able to put it out of your mind. And yet you still find it so hard to trust anypony, even those that have shown themselves to have no desire to harm you."

I hadn't really thought of it like that before. "I do trust you both with some things. But not with everything. I don't think I'm able to trust anyone with everything. There will probably always be a reserved center of secrets at my core. And if you think it odd that I'm afraid of magic, well, the fact that humans had weapons that could destroy everything wasn't constantly pushed in my face. Every time I look around, I have about a one in three chance of seeing a unicorn. And I was just almost killed by magic a few months ago."

"And you were saved by magic. What would it take to convince you that Celestia or I would never hurt you?"

"Nothing, but giving me that ring back would be a good start."

She glowered at me. "How do you expect us to trust you if you won't trust us?"

I glared right back at her. "Because where the hell else do you expect me to go? Do you think I _like _killing people? That I _like _putting my life in danger? Celestia told me I would end up in jail or worse if I didn't do as she asked. Why should I trust that you won't hurt me if the only way you think you'll keep me in check is with threats?"

Her glare at me subsided. "I didn't know… She never mentioned how she got you to help us. I think that somewhat justifies your lack of trust. But your fear of magic… What is so scary about it, to you? In your world, you had to worry about dying. How often have you seen a unicorn kill somepony, aside from the slaves that killed the pirates?"

"Never, aside from them. But I'm not afraid of death." At least, I'm probably about as unafraid of it as anyone ever can be. "When I get killed, it'll probably be relatively quick. So unicorns don't kill. But they do bind. They can change me. They have a nearly infinite amount of things they can do. I'm hardly afraid of death, but I can't stand being held against my will and I am not a fan of being changed into a different shape. And when you mix them—as has been done to me in the past, I might add—there's a serious problem. At least with ropes I have a means of defending myself, or a way of breaking free. Against magic, I have nothing."

"And Celestia capitalized on that fear without even realizing it, when she threatened to imprison you." I nodded. "Does she know?" I shrugged. "She might be less angry when she finds out…" Her horn put off a dim glow and a box appeared next to her, floating. She sent it over to me. "We tested them all. Neither of us could find anything wrong with them." I opened the box. In it were the four things I brought out of the forest. I pocketed the key and put on a glove to pocket the stones. I looked at the ring for a second, and eventually decided to slide it into a pocket as well. Luna smiled at that. The box disappeared.

"What can you tell me about them?" I asked.

"After a bit of experimentation," she said with a hint of a blush, "we found that the stones only hurt the first time you transform. And the pain is less for a mare changing to a stallion. We don't know why. They key worked on every lock we could find in the palace. It changed shapes to fit the small and the large. We put the ring on the tip of a unicorn's horn, and she couldn't do any manner of magic. Neither I nor Celestia could do anything magical toward her, either. We also have no idea what the ring says. They all work with a magic we don't recognize, but we couldn't discover anything harmful about them. We were tempted to keep them for longer, but… I see no reason to. Celestia might disagree, but when night falls _I _rule."

I nodded, and reached into the pocket with the blue stone. "So... How did it feel?"

The small blush she had before transformed into a full blush. "It was… different. But from the way Celestia told it, you found out yourself."

I shuddered. "When I started coughing up blood I called it quits. I didn't stay changed long enough for the pain to stop. But if it only hurts once…" I pocketed the blue stone and pulled out the pink one. I was done changing before I even had it at eye level. I closed my eyes and did a mental check of everything I could feel. _Chest heavier, no weight between legs, pants tighter_. I dropped the pink stone back in a pocket and picked up the blue one again. I opened my eyes. Luna was wearing a smile. "I think I'll pass."

She shrugged. "We both prefer you as a stallion anyway. Too few of those worth having around."

"Aye, and I can think of a rotten one living in the bloody palace. Shame Blueblood survived."

She grimaced. "He's a nasty piece of work. He tried _flirting _with me before he found out who I was."

"Well, so did I." I couldn't help defending him with that.

"And you kept doing it! He didn't. He even tried apologizing, as if I wasn't a pony with needs too. It had been a while since I felt so insulted."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "Well, cougars scare some men away, I suppose."

She sniffed. "I hardly think that description applies to either me or Celestia!" Evidence they were reading my journals. She didn't realize her slip, though, and kept going, "We may be several thousand years old, but we hardly look it."

_Wait_. I suddenly had a whole lot of realizations. _They've been playing me the whole time!_ Luna shouldn't know what a cougar was, since it was a term from my world. But how did she not know what Celestia was doing to get me to do stuff for her? _Good cop, bad cop_. Celestia hit me with the royal authority, Luna hit me with kindness.

The realization was almost enough to make me speechless. I realized I had been staring at her for a few seconds, and she asked, "Are you okay?"

I didn't dare let her know I knew. I shook myself and said, "I just thought of something big. Nothing I can do about it now, though. Anyway, you're both giantesses. Celestia had to be over six feet tall when I saw her as a human. And you're rather large for a pony as well."

"That's just because ponies started shrinking over the years for some reason. Back in our day, they were all larger." _Odd_. "Celestia would still be larger than average, but I'm actually smaller than most of them were."

"Nothing wrong with that. Hell, where I come from, I'm relatively short myself. It was a bit of a surprise to find I'm taller than just about every pony and most of the cats. Of course, most everything else is still taller than I am, but you can't win them all."

"Imagine how Celestia and I feel, dealing with the naga and the dragons. They all show deference, aside from a few of the ancient dragons and a few of the younger ones, but it is annoying being so used to towering over your subjects and then running into something that dwarfs you and could probably rip you limb from limb if they so desired."

"Lucky for them that they don't. I haven't had many causes to get angry here, but I think that might do it."

"I think I'd prefer it not happening than having it happen only to know it'll be avenged, thank you."

"Well, living in Ponyville makes it somewhat hard to proactively protect you."

"We offered you the chance to live here. Taya could be taught in the school here and you could both live in the palace. You chose to live with those little hussies in that no-name town, though."

"Hussies? That's not very kind. And not very accurate, either."

"I've seen how some of them look at you. That look of possession. You've slept with more than a few of them." She didn't say that with nearly as much venom as I expected. I think she read that from my look. "I'm not as bad off as I was a few years ago, Nav. When you got here, it had been just over a year since I got back from my prison on the moon. I was desperate for attention, and you were the first stallion—male—that gave me any. I had been so long away from anypony that I wanted any manner of affection, even if I knew, intellectually, that it might be wrong. And when it came to a head, I realized how much of a fool I had been. It would never have ended well for either of us. Now, though, with your longer lifespan… Well, I've still a few years yet to pay. Live your life, Nav. But remember that you promised me a chance." Not to mention that she probably didn't really feel anything for me anyway. I wonder how Celestia talked her into the game.

"As you say, Princess."

"And please don't call me that. It sounds… wrong, coming from you."

I shrugged. "If you're fine with it, why call them hussies?"

Her eyes flared before she could control them. "Who said I was fine with it? I said we'll talk. As it stands, the only obligation you have to me is giving me a chance. And judging from how you talk, some of their actions weren't entirely welcome anyway. But fine with it? Not quite. I call them hussies because I know how you feel about ponies; none of what they did would have been initiated by you." I didn't feel like pointing out the hypocrisy in that. At least, not without wearing my new ring.

"If it makes you feel any better, I've only slept with three of them. Two of them are lesbians and one… I don't like talking about her."

She grimaced. "That's another thing that wouldn't have happened back in my day." She sighed, "But times are changing. I'd be a fool not to change with them. I've heard you talk about the other one. I don't know how it turned out, though."

"For the best," I answered.

She nodded, understanding. "It's sad when I can recognize that 'for the best' means the worst outcome for any two healthy ponies. Life isn't easy for those of us that are so different. Which is why we have each other, I suppose."

She didn't even know the half of it.

"Until I finally piss you off for the last time and both of you agree that it's best I disappeared quietly."

"I'm sure you'll find some way to play us off each other long enough for you to escape so far away that even _we _can't find you."

"Already have the plans ready." Her eyes widened. I guess she was using the lie-detecting spell, and was expecting me to be lying. I wasn't.

"You really _are _paranoid! Are you sure we can't convince you to live here with us?"

"Twilight is the reason I'm here. It seems unfair to leave her, when I'm so useful."

"_She _already has an assistant. And she's hardly using you to your full potential. Surely you get bored, playing nursemaid to a bunch of small-town ponies and an over glorified attention-demanding student." She finished that with particular venom.

"You really don't like Twilight, do you?"

"Have you ever read any of that sentimental tripe she sends Celestia every few weeks? Yeah, sure, friends are great. I don't know why she insists upon sending Celestia constant updates about all the wee minutiae of her life!" I decided to drop that subject, on the grounds that I think continuing it might have been detrimental to my health. I agreed with her, anyway.

"Given that my other option is a series of dangerous assignments from you or Celestia, I think I might pass."

"Dangerous? The only danger you faced at the party was getting pricked on a dragon scale!"

"God, you watched that, too? I think you get off to voyeurism. Also, I got poisoned!"

"You barely even noticed the poison. If Celestia hadn't told you, you never would have known. But you forgot that you also got slapped. I suppose that was somewhat dangerous. I think you deserved it, though. You're lucky she didn't use her claws" She didn't answer the voyeurism charge.

"You only thought I deserved it because that wasn't you."

She looked down. I thought for a second I might have gone too far. I poised my hand to shoot down and grab the ring, but thankfully hesitated for a second.

Without looking up, she whispered, "Would you… dance with me?"

I was silent for a few seconds. Finally, I said, "It's hard to dance with no music."

Her horn glowed slightly and a very old and very battered record player appeared, along with a few dusty records. I stepped up to it and bent down to pick up one of the records, trying to read the label. It had worn away with time. "Did you stockpile this before you went to the moon?" I asked.

She looked up, smiling slightly. "I'm old fashioned. Pick any record, I'm sure you'll know the tune."

I put the one I was holding onto the player and fiddled around until I got it playing. Gentle music filled the throne room. I actually _did _recognize it: It was a song Pinkie Pie used occasionally. It sounded a little bit different, but similar enough that I could probably dance it.

Luna descended from her throne. I turned to her, holding up an arm. "May I have this dance, lady?"

She took my proffered arm with a small bend of her knees.

"Forgive me if I misstep," I said. "If has been a while since I last danced."

"It has been over a thousand years since I have. I think I can be understanding."

We glided through the dance. When the last notes were echoing through the chamber, she laid her head over my shoulder. "Where were you a thousand years ago, my knight?" she whispered. I didn't answer, just continued holding her. My mind was whirling, though: If they really were playing me as I thought, what was real and what wasn't? Did Luna really feel anything for me? Did Celestia even _care _if I died helping her? If they thought I didn't trust them before…

I got back to Ponyville less than an hour before sunrise. All of my friends there were happy to see me back, when they discovered I was back from the forest. Pinkie Pie was saddened to learn she wasn't able to greet me with a party, of course, but logic finally prevailed over the chaos of her mind, and I somehow managed to talk her out of it.

Thankfully, nothing went catastrophically wrong while I was gone. Or at least, nothing that it was my job to fix. I spent a week outside of the forest, letting my mind recuperate from the darkness it went through. Since the first time did so much to me, I decided to go with a week in, week out schedule to try to reduce the damage.


	41. Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Thirty-Nine—I hate Canterlot so fucking much

On the third day of the first week I spent back in the forest, I stumbled upon a cave. I had found plenty of caves before, with all manner of nasty critters living in them, but this was the first cave that had loads and loads of jewels in it.

I knew immediately that I was probably about to die. A cave like this means a dragon. That many jewels meant a large dragon. I started tip-toeing out the cave, trying to make as little sound as I could.

To no avail, of course; I wouldn't be so lucky. I saw a massive green head poke out of a pile of jewels, and a large serpentine neck followed. "Who enters my cave?" the dragon rumbled, opening its huge orange eyes and staring directly at me.

I closed my eyes for all of a second to say a silent prayer. I opened them and answered, hoping my voice wouldn't break, "A weary traveler, seeking shelter for a short time. I see there is no shelter to be had here, and will leave."

"Not so fast, creature," the dragon answered, snaking its head around me and blocking my escape. Massive spines larger than my body lined his neck. "What are you? I have not seen your like before."

"I am a treant. Part tree, part man. I would not give you much satisfaction to eat, I believe."

"I am not interested in eating a peaceful guest, treant. If you aren't here to steal, like my last guest, I would welcome the company. The last dragon to visit stole from me, and had the temerity to be angry at me for pointing out his transgressions. What's worse, he _escaped_."

"I have no desire for your riches, dragon. I have no use for jewels, I who get my sustenance from the sun."

"And yet you have the lingering smell of gold about you…" He breathed in deep, sighing hot steam at me. "Much, much gold." His snake-like tongue flicked out, slapping the air right in front of me and drawing back in with a nasty schlicking sound. I flinched.

"I have worked for rich ponies, in the past. Part of my job was protecting money."

"You've lived among ponies!" Before I could do anything, his hand reached out and grabbed me. At that point I figured it was the end for me; it was day, so Luna wasn't watching and Twilight or Celestia probably weren't watching or either would have pulled me out by now.

Instead of crushing me or eating me, though, he set me down on a high pillar. "Much better," he rumbled, bringing his head back up to eye level. "I grow weary of holding my head low to talk with the mortal races. How does Princess Luna fare?" he asked. "I remember long discussions with her, when the night fell and her subjects grew weary."

_Holy fuck, he's more than a thousand years old_. "She is doing well," I answered. "There are more of her subjects willing to stay awake during night, now. She hardly wants for friends."

"I've noticed! I haven't seen her in over a thousand years. I heard whispers from the night that she had been harmed, but I could find nothing definite out here in the wild. I rarely visit pony lands, since so many of them fear our kind. I feared for her safety, but I knew if I came to help her I might be attacked."

"The situation with Princess Luna was… complicated. Her mind was subverted by something, and she basically turned evil due to jealousy of her sister. There was a struggle between titans, and Celestia came out on top. Luna was banished to the moon for a thousand years, until she could be freed and cured."

"I see," he hissed, narrowing his eyes. "And what of the creature that subverted her mind?"

"I don't know. I might be able to live for thousands of years, but I've only just started. I wasn't around while all this was happening."

"And you never thought to ask?"

"You are a dragon, so this might not seem like a reasonable excuse, but… The princesses are incredibly powerful. Something like this is a bit of a touchy subject. I'm somewhat afraid to ask."

He nodded, "I suppose you should be, at that. Truth be told, I would be leery of asking as well. The princess and I were friends, long ago, but she is young and might be angered at my asking. I would not want to risk hurting her." _Luna, young? Just how old is this guy?_

"You aren't worried of your own safety? She may be young, but she is powerful."

"It takes more than magic to hurt something like me, treant. She could be annoying, of course, but it is better to just not risk it. I would not mind speaking with her again, but not on this. You have worked with ponies in the past, you said. Do you know if the princesses receive visitors still?"

"They do. And if they're busy, I'm sure they could make time to see you. Though Princess Luna is usually only awake during the night."

"What are a few hours, to one that has watched eons pass? I may call upon her, one of these years. Back in my day more respect was given toward us ancients, but I suppose a thousand years is still a long time for one as young as she and her sister; I might have been forgotten over the years, with their turmoil." He suddenly sniffed at me again. "I smell other things on you as well, human. Dragons. Cats. And," his eyes opening a bit wider, "naga! I have not spoken with one of them in… I can't even remember how long. Do you know if the great city Nagapolis still lies beneath the center of this land?"

"Big sapphire room?" I asked. He nodded eagerly. "There are still naga there, but the city was mostly abandoned when the caverns partially dried up. I'm told it is but a skeleton of what it once was. It is a shame what happened to them, but all things pass."

"And we remain," he answered, filling the cave with steam from a massive sigh. "I've seen wonders big and small. I knew Discord when he reigned, and knew his successors in Celestia and Luna. I've known mighty champions of almost all races, living and extinct. I've known every comfort and every hardship. I've seen many things come to pass, and I know that someday I, too, will pass. But enough talk of that. Tell me happy news, treant. What goes on in the world outside this cave?"

"Feel free to call me Navarone, friend."

"Friend…" he slowly whispered out, as though tasting to word. Apparently he found it to his liking, for he slowly nodded. "It has been a long time since I heard that word. My name is… Is…" I heard a rumbling in his chest, followed by a deep chuckle. "I don't even remember anymore. I suppose Princess Luna might know. You may call me Friend, until I remember. Tell me of your journeys, Navarone."

I did just that. I didn't tell him everything, of course, but I did tell him plenty. The telling took an hour or two, long enough for the sun to sink rather low in the sky. When I finished, he nodded, saying, "Things are getting interesting again. I might have to seek out some of my people; I suppose I am probably one of the oldest of us, anymore. I have been away from things for so long… Long enough for the capital of Equestria to move. Long enough for a princess to be banished and reconciled without me even noticing. Long enough for the young to forget the reverence for the old. Too long." He stretched his massive wings. "You say you know both the princesses." I nodded. He looked at the shadows at the front of his cave entrance for a second and turned back to me. "What say you to reintroducing us?"

"Right now?" I asked, somewhat incredulously.

"Yes, Navarone."

"I think you can fly a little bit faster than me, so you'll have to slow down for me to keep up. But sure, I suppose I can do that."

"You are not heavy, Navarone. You said you don't like being handled, but I believe I can get us to this Canterlot in a short time, as long as you can tell me where it is."

"I'll need to go up to get my bearings, first, but I will consent to being held for a short time."

He nodded, and bent down to a pile of jewels. He took a monster-sized bite right out of it, and chewed a bit before swallowing. "Let us depart this cave of mine, then." He had to get down on his stomach to be able to get out, but he made it. I jumped down from my perch and followed him out, flying. When I was clear of the entrance, he moved a massive stone in front of it. "Avert your gaze, Navarone," he warned, before blasting the stone with a massive gout of flame, clearly marking it. "I have learned my lesson," he explained. "There are a few thieves out here, even in this relatively desolate forest. Go and find this city. I will be behind you."

"You will probably scare them, Friend," I told him.

"It truly has been a long time. They will get over their fear."

I flew high into the air, until I could see Ponyville. Way in the distance, I could see the spires of Canterlot rising above the land. I looked down for Friend, to signal him up, to find he was already above me. In one thrust of his wings, he had soared higher than I was able to get in half a minute. I looked up and pointed off to Canterlot, to make sure he knew the way, and then flew into his talons.

You know, I never thought I would write that… We made it in five minutes.

And I was right: The ponies in Canterlot were definitely terrified. As soon as we got over the castle, Friend let me go. I led the way to the main entrance of the palace. He was barely able to fit in front of the entrance. When he landed, it felt like the entire castle shook on its foundations. As soon as we touched down, guards came sprinting up, terror visible in their eyes.

I waved them down from doing anything foolish. "Guards, this is an old friend of Princess Luna. Is she awake yet?"

"I am, Navarone," Princess Luna answered, stepping out of the palace with Celestia in tow. "You caused quite a…" Her eyes widened farther than I had seen them do in a while. "Reginald!" She ran up to the dragon. Celestia watched with a small smile.

Reginald chuckled, letting out a bit more steam. "Reginald! That was it! There's my name for you, Navarone." Luna finally reached him, and was looking up at him with a look of wonder. "Hello again, my friend. It has been a little while since last we spoke, I believe."

The guards were standing down, and looking to Celestia for instructions. "There is no emergency here," she said to their questioning gazes. "Go and calm the ponies of Canterlot. I'm sure they have questions. Just tell them a friend has arrived." They bowed and went to do as she commanded. "Sir Navarone, let's go for a little walk."

We left Luna and Reginald there, and walked to a massive labyrinth near the palace. "You always find a way to surprise us, Nav," she opened with. "But this…" She shook her head. "It was foolish of you to bring him here, but it was also perfect timing." Suddenly, a message burst into existence in front of her. She gave off a longsuffering sigh. "I could not tell you how many times Twilight has interrupted me with a note during an important meeting or function…" She passed it to me without even opening it. "Anything important?"

I opened it and did a quick read through. "Yada yada, dragon attack, do you need help?"

She sighed again. "I don't suppose you have a quill and ink on you?"

I tore a strip of paper off what Twilight sent and pricked my arm with a knife. "You want me to just tell her no?"

"Please." I didn't think Twilight would be pleased to get a note in blood, but she'd get over it. When I was finished, I held it up. With a small glow of her horn, she sent the note back. I put some pressure on the arm; I figured it would stop bleeding quickly enough. She continued where she had left off, "Seeing this dragon will be good for Luna's mind, I believe. She grew up with him as a friend. Where did you find him?"

"The forest. He was living in a cave. He didn't even know about Nightmare Moon, or that the capital had moved. He just knew Luna hadn't visited him in over a thousand years, which to him is apparently a drop in the bucket."

Celestia snorted at that. "He's old, but not as old as that. He knew us before… Well, he's been around for a long time. And he's been in the forest all this time… It is interesting that he would choose now to come out, but I suppose it was going to happen sometime or another." She was silent for a while. We walked around the labyrinth—not through it, but around—for a few minutes. "So, how goes the rest of the exploration in the forest?" she finally asked.

"I found an old castle that looked like it had been used recently; there were hoofprints all throughout it. I found what looked like an old factory, and that place… It was spooky. I explored it, and it looked like someone was living there, but there was nothing there but bugs. I might have scared whatever it was away. I found a few papers with unintelligible writing on them and a few dolls and rotten fruit. And the entire time, it felt like I was being watched. I swear I got a few glimpses of something out of the corning of my eye, but… Ghosts aren't real. Wait… I did meet a ghost one time. I suppose it could have been one." I shrugged. "As soon as this conversation is over, I'll probably head back to the forest."

"If you need to rest, Nav, you know the castle is open to you. I know Luna would be happy to have you here, and I always enjoy our talks as well."

"I know, my friend. But there is still much to explore and much to find. I may have all the time in the world, but the sooner I start the sooner I'll be finished. This isn't a task I'd want to postpone."

"I understand. I wish we could send somepony in there with you, but… It's dangerous enough for you to go in alone, let alone with somepony not invisible to the animals. Didn't do you much good with Reginald, though."

"When I found his cave, I thought I was a goner. I turned to sneak out and almost made it when he stuck his head out of the piles of treasure he had. I suppose I got lucky that he was lonely. When he grabbed me with those talons… Well, I'm here."

"You are. And not wearing your ring, either. Leave it behind?" she asked with a smile.

"I don't wear it that much when I'm in the forest. I won't risk needing to be rescued but being unable to get help."

"Sure, trust the magic when you need it. But you don't trust me unless you're wearing it."

"Should I, Princess?"

I knew she was going to lie before she said, "Of course, Navarone." _So some ponies _can _lie. I bet she was laughing inside when I told her I was a master liar and actor_. "I don't know why everypony—and you—seem to think I'm such a villain. Do I truly seem so evil to you?"

"You blackmailed me into killing people. You threatened me with prison if I didn't guard Blueblood. You aren't a villain and you aren't evil, but that doesn't mean you are good." She looked somewhat sour when I said that. I decided to throw the dice, since I was already so far in. "Of course, I don't know how far your game with Luna and me goes. I don't know what's real yet and what isn't. I don't know what it took for you to get Luna to pretend to love me, or to agree to that wager."

"Game?" she asked confusedly. "Pretend to love you? What are you talking about?"

"I figured I wouldn't trip you up so easily. We can continue to play, I suppose. But in the absence of knowledge of the rules, I might make up my own."

"I really don't know what you're talking about…"

"Of course, Celestia. If you don't need me for anything, I think I'll return to the forest. I might as well try to find the spot I left."

"You really do need some rest, Nav," she said. "You're getting incredibly paranoid. I think the forest is getting to you. I know you don't sleep, but please stay the night in the palace. As a favor to me, if nothing else."

I thought about it for a few seconds. She might be right. She might be lying, to lower my guard and to try to convince me there wasn't a game at all. She might have a plan to get rid of me in the night, since I finally let my hand show a bit. But… she might be right. That forest, man… It digs into the mind.

"Very well, Princess. I'll freely admit that the forest gets into my mind. I will stay the night here. I _have _always wanted to walk this labyrinth."

"You know, one of your friends from Ponyville is staying at the palace. You could spend some time with her, if you think it might help ease your mind."

"Which one?"

She thought for a minute. "The white one with purple hair," she finally said. "Rarity, I think it is. So many names in my mind, these days. I pay so little attention to the petty politicking that goes on in Canterlot, and I think this one visits just to be a part of it."

I grimaced. "Aye, that sounds like Rarity. The last time I was in Canterlot with her was when I was in prison… Though I do look a bit different now. I think I might pass on seeing her; we don't always see eye to eye."

"That's probably because you're taller than she is. I really think it would do you good to talk to some ponies that aren't princesses or guards, Nav. You're getting strung out."

"It's nearing night, and I leave in the morning. Most regular ponies will soon be asleep."

"You are free to take as much time off as you need, Nav. I understand that the forest is an evil place."

"I don't think I need any time off, Princess. I am staying the night here because you asked me to, not because I think I need it."

"You don't have to explore the forest if you really don't want to."

"And risk missing out on another discovery like that?" I asked, pointing over my shoulder where we left the dragon. "There is no telling what else might be in that bloody place. And it has been interesting, at times, to see what manner of critters are in that place."

"You are making this very difficult for me, Nav. Do I need to order you to stay out of that forest for a few days?"

I ruffled my wings. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to pretend I didn't hear that. I will obey your orders in public, but remember that I am not a pony. Until you start threatening me again, I'll do as you ask if I see a good enough reason to, or it doesn't involve a serious risk to me."

"I can do threats," she said, her voice dropping in a way I wasn't entirely comfortable with.

"Then you will lose a friend, and gain another slave. A considerably more useful slave, but still a slave. I help you because I trust that you won't ask me to do something I wouldn't willingly do, or to do something that would put me in needless danger. You start disrupting that balance, I put my ring on and you never see me again."

She sighed. "Why can't you see that I just want to help you?"

"I've been wanting to try this for a while," I said, digging something out of my pocket. I pulled out my old keychain, with the magic key attached. I envisioned Celestia's mind as a locked box of secrets. "_Are _you trying to help me?"

Her eyes sort of… shut down. "I am trying to do the best for Equestria. Helping you right now furthers my primary goal." While she was out of it, I slipped the ring on my finger. She blinked. "What did you do?" She did not sound at all amused.

"Abused the hell out of my key," I answered, putting it back in my pocket. "Not quite what I was expecting, but okay. I'll stay here for a few days, or until I feel I am not welcome."

"What. Did. You. Do." She was staring at me like I had just pinched her bottom.

"I have a key that can open any lock. Your mind is a locked box of secrets." I shrugged. "I didn't actually think it would work."

"Do not do that to me or Luna ever again. And if I ever find out that you are abusing it, I will take that key from you." _She's just jealous I thought of it and she didn't._

"There's a reason I tell lies. I know what the truth can do to people."

She snorted. "I know you don't sleep during these seasons, but there's no reason for you to go carrying _those_," with a look to my weapons, "with you in Canterlot. And you need a bath. And I suppose you should wash your clothes, too. You can have a room next to your friend. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you." She must really not know Rarity that well.

She told me where to go and then left to do princess things. Probably torturing guards by ordering them to do pointless things. I went off to take a bloody bath.

I dropped my clothes off at the palace laundromat—you can't expect people important enough to stay at the palace to do their own laundry—and picked up a towel that was as big as I was. I didn't have any spare clothes, so I had to do that ahead of time so I would have something to put on when I got back.

All that done, I carried my weapons and the contents of my pockets to my suite, wearing nothing but a giant towel. I dumped everything on the bed I wasn't planning on using and took a bath.

By the time I was finished with all that mess, it was well and truly night. I got my clothes, strapped on some knife belts, put on the ring and grabbed my key and locked the door behind me.

"Navarone? What are _you _doing here?" I heard Rarity asking from a few feet away. I looked over and saw her at the door next to mine.

"Did you see the dragon come in?"

"You're here because of that dreadful monster? I know the guards said the situation was under control, but I didn't know they had to use your… _talents_… to do it!"

"Actually, he is here because of me. Reginald—the dragon—is an old friend of Luna's. And I do mean _old_. He knew her before she was Nightmare Moon. Hell, he said he knew her before she and Celestia were even in power. I found him in the forest. He left several huge piles of gems to come to Canterlot to see her."

Her eyes glowed a bit at that. "Huge piles of g—No! Not this time, Rarity… You've got things to do…" I let her have her moment. After a second, she continued, "How long are you going to be in Canterlot?"

"A few days. Celestia asked me to take a break from the forest."

She got a thoughtful look on her face. "If you're going to be here that long… Do you mind helping a friend in need?"

"Depends. What does this friend of mine need?"

"Well… You know how you're a knight and all? The first Lunar knight in such a long time…" At my raised eyebrow she continued, "And you've been ignoring so many invitations. Ever since you offered to take me to some events, I've been… Er, _borrowing _the invites you get." I had wondered why I wasn't getting any more of them. I suppose she just asked Derpy to deliver them to her instead. She blushed a bit at this next part. "I've been attending a few of the events you get invited to, when you get nameless tickets."

I shrugged. "At least they aren't going to waste."

She sighed. "That makes me feel a bit better. I was thinking you might be angry!" _Why would I be mad?_ "Since you're here… I was just wondering if that offer to take me to a few of the more… Well, prestigious events still stands." She gave me one of her seductive looks that did nothing for me. The smile accompanying it almost made me burst out laughing.

I opened my mouth to tell her hell no, but remembered what Celestia told me about spending time with regular ponies. I almost said no anyway, just to spite them both. After a second, I answered, "If I am not needed for anything else, I suppose I could. If we end up in prison again, though, I am _done _helping you. And I won't give you your last request again, either."

I saw her mouth _last request _with a confused look on her face, before she shook her head until a smile reappeared. "You can't know how much this means to me, Nav!"

"A few points, though: This isn't a date, it's a thing between friends. This isn't going to be a common thing. If you start getting ridiculous or annoying, I'll leave you hanging. And if this makes Luna mad, you're taking the heat."

She waved her hoof. "It'll be fine, Nav! I think I know you well enough by now to know what your limits are."

"Good. How threatening do you want me to look?"

"Um. Don't scare anypony, but otherwise feel free to go all out."

"I'll meet you in the morning, then. What time?"

"Oh, any time before eleven, I suppose… Hm. Are you going to be wearing _that_?"

I looked down at what I was wearing: Basically, a suit of camo clothes, shortened because it was spring and warm. I looked back up. "I just got out of the forest. This is all I have here."

"You didn't wear that marvelous armor? Why ever not?"

"Not worth it. That stuff is too hot to wander around in for weeks at a time. I've yet to get hurt, so I don't really think I need it. It's not a long trip home if you want me to go and get it. I can easily get there and get back before we need to leave tomorrow."

"Hm. That could work. Though I don't suppose you'd need me to fix up that set of clothes before you go?"

I looked down at my clothes again. They were pretty fucked up. I looked up at her and shrugged. "If you want. They can wa—" She dragged me inside.

"Not enough time to make anything new… Well, all you really need is a fix. Take your clothes off."

I could see it now: I'll take my clothes off and in five minutes Luna will come through that door looking for me, finding me and Rarity in some manner of compromising position. I closed the door and locked it. I turned to find Rarity giving me a look. "I've had too many misunderstandings," I answered. I took my shirt off and threw it at her. She caught it in the air with her magic.

"You simply must stop treating your clothing like this, Nav!" she whined, doing her best to 'unwrinkle' my shirt. She was so absorbed in that she didn't notice the pants flying at her. She peeled them off her face with magic, to reveal a glare, which quickly subsided when she noticed how many straps of knives I had around me.

I noticed her looks. "I know you're not attracted to my human body, Rarity. Stop looking me over." Her face turned crimson. I saw her cat giving me looks, too. "Shut up, Opal," I said. The cat sniffed and went back to napping.

Rarity didn't avert her gaze, though. "Nav… Are you… _healthy_?"

I saw she was looking at my torso and I looked down at it. I was so skinny you could see my stomach delving up into my ribcage. I put a hand on my stomach. "Holy shit," I said, feeling it. "Well, I don't really _need _to eat anymore, so I haven't been," I answered. "Twilight doesn't have many mirrors in her house and I rarely look down there. If I was still a human I would be dead from starvation by now."

"…How long has it been since you last ate?" she asked, horrified. I noticed her gaze was going… other places.

"Oh, about a week, I think." She was looking at something else. "Rarity? Rarity!"

She blinked and looked up. "A week? Nav, you're going to kill yourself like that!"

"I've survived this long. What's a few more centuries? Besides, it's not like I can eat most of that crap you ponies shovel down. I tried eating a few flowers when I realized I wasn't quite human anymore and I got sick." It was miserable, too.

She was shaking her head. "I can't let you do this to yourself, Nav." She used her magic to pull a cord hanging down from the wall. I saw a grille on the wall start to shine with a glow I've long since discovered means magic is being done upon it.

A voice suddenly crackled out of the grille and I realized it was an intercom. "What do you need, Mistress Rarity?" It sounded like a young stallion.

"I need a meal sent up here as fast as you can make it," she commanded. "No grass, no flowers, no vegetables. Bread is fine, fruit is fine." I could eat most vegetables, but there were a few I couldn't. "Eggs, if you have them."

"Right away, Mistress," the voice answered. "Will there be anything else?"

"No, that's all," she answered. The grille stopped glowing.

"So that's what that cord is for," I said.

Rarity turned her gaze back to me. "I suppose this will be acceptable?" she asked.

"Yeah, sure," I said. "I'll eat what I can."

"No, Nav. You'll eat _all _of it. You'll eat it if I have to hold you down with magic. And I know you know I can." _You'd be surprised._ I wanted to say it, but I wasn't going to give away my trump just yet. "Now, let's get started on your clothes." She turned to where she had set them down.

Despite my time in this world, I still wasn't comfortable with being naked in front of anyone. I sat on the bed and covered my lower body. "How long should this take?" I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

"Oh, surely less than an hour. I don't have to do anything too drastic. Just a bit of metal here and there, gotta modify the pants, I might touch up the shoes a bit…"

"I thought all you were doing was fixing them."

She gave me a look. "Navarone, you are a _knight_! I can't allow you to go around dressing like… Ugh. Even if you're going to be in the forest you still must have _some _standards!"

_Pick your battles_. I sighed. "Whatever. I have to have something to do all night, anyway."

She beamed. "That's the spirit!" She went back to changing my clothes. She dug through all manner of bags around her to get what she needed. She added metal studs to my gloves and curved metal knee pads for my pants. She added length to everything I had.

After fifteen minutes of doing essentially nothing but watching, I asked, "So what should I expect tomorrow?"

She didn't look up, but answered, "Oh, you know, standard high society ponies. I don't expect many of them to talk to you, but I'm sure you'll make a nice impression. Especially when I remind them who you are." Fun. "Hm… Do you think—Oh, shoot!" I looked over to find she had a needle stuck in her hoof. _How does that even happen?_

With a glow of her horn, she pulled it out. "This is what I get for not paying attention, I suppose. So, Navarone, do you think you can get Princess Celestia to one of the various functions around Canterlot? I've heard she almost never attends any of them."

"She isn't interested in stuff like that. We were actually having a conversation about that earlier, when she told me you were in town. Petty politics and social events like that start meaning less and less the longer you live, and she has lived for quite a while."

"I never thought about it that way before. I don't suppose… Is she lonely, Navarone? I know you are closer to her than most ponies know."

"This conversation doesn't leave this room." I waited for her nod to continue. "She is. She has lived thousands of years. Time has ceased to have much meaning for her. Ponies come and go. Students come and go. Time passes. Every single one of her subjects sees her as Princess, not Celestia. Leader, not friend. She can meet with her subjects all she wants, but they'll still only see her as Princess. That's how they were raised, and it's what they know. And she loves them anyway."

"And what of you, Navarone? You said _ponies _treat her like that. I know you don't see yourself as one of us."

"I am one of her few friends, I think. I grew up with no reverence for royalty. We have an understanding of sorts."

"I've never really thought about what it must be like, to live as she has. Do you think she would come to any event, if you asked?"

"Maybe. But even if she was, she would be treated as a princess, not as a friend. Luna has a bit of an advantage, there, since she is hardly known as a princess anymore. Or rather, she wasn't when she started making friends again. Celestia, though? She could try. But I don't think it would turn out well."

"You know her better than I," she answered doubtfully. She bent back to her work. Not a minute later, she looked back up. "What about Princess Luna?" she asked. "I know she isn't usually awake during the day, but do you think you could get her to come with us?"

"I think I could, but I know I won't."

"Oh, come on, Nav! You said yourself that they were lonely and wanting friends, and that Princess Luna could make them easier."

"And she told me she doesn't like people toadying up to her. She wants friends, not people that listen to her because she's important. You would be hard pressed to find somebody in this bloody town that would be a good friend, I believe."

"That's not true! And this is a city, not a simple town!"

"First, if there are more than ten thousand ponies living in this place, I would be shocked. There are cities in my world with millions of people living in them. I don't think the population of sapient animals in this world is as large as the population of Manhattan alone." She couldn't answer that. "And second, you _might _be correct about a few friend-worthy ponies being here. I will admit to not having met too many Canterlot ponies. I might be wrong. I suppose I can judge tomorrow."

"I suppose you will," she said, bending back to her work. Five minutes later she looked up again. "Do you still remember how to dance?" she asked.

"Yeah."

"Hm…" She looked over my clothes. "No, it's too late for that. This will have to do." She went back to it. I was tempted to ask where she was getting the metal, but I have learned that it is wise to not ask where a pony is pulling something from. I've seen Pinkie Pie pull numerous things out of nowhere, often to use as comedic effect. And I don't mean nowhere as in I didn't notice them before she picked them up, I literally fucking mean _nowhere_. I've just learned to accept it.

Fifteen minutes later, she was finished. It took her a second to get my attention; I was zoned way the hell out. When I came to, I saw she had a look of concern on her face. "Navarone?" she asked. "Oh Celestia, don't tell me you're dead!" I blinked. She sagged.

"I'm part tree. I only sleep at night for half the year. For the rest of that, I'm constantly awake. Learning to zone out has saved my mind, in some ways." I got out from under the covers and put my pants on.

She was watching for my reaction, but before I could give it she gave out a gasp. "What a beautiful ring!" she exclaimed. "I simply _must _get a better look! Hold it into the light for me!" I finished putting my pants on and did so. "My my my, where _did _you get this? I don't remember seeing you wearing it before!"

"A gift from the Everfree Forest," I answered. "Neither Celestia nor Luna knows what it says, or how old it is."

"Hm… I know rings are out this season, but… Do you think I could borrow it for the outing tomorrow? This might bring them back in style!"

"You don't want to wear this ring, Rarity. Trust me."

"Oh, posh! This would look wonderful on me!"

I slipped it off my finger and onto her horn. "Bring a mirror on over to see how it looks," I said, hiding a smile.

Her shriek of pure terror made staying in Canterlot worth it. "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!" she cried, pawing at her horn with her front hooves. I reached down and plucked it off, openly showing my smile. I slipped it on before she could retaliate. She gave me a haunted look. "I will never, ever question again why you like having hands." Her eyes hardened. "And if you ever, EVER put that thing back on me, I will beat you to within an inch of your life." I couldn't help but laugh at the mental image that gave me. She thought about it for a second and gave me a weak grin in return. "Okay, I'll admit that might be an overreaction. A bit of one. But still… How can you stand wearing that?"

"Because it makes me immune to magic. This isn't the only gift the forest gave me, either."

"Oh? Do tell! Though if they're anything like that ring, I'm not so certain I want to know…"

"I've a key to open any lock and a pair of stones that can change gender. The first time you change is a bit painful, but after that it's painless."

"Change gender? Why would anypony want to do _that_?"

"Bugger all if I know. If it didn't hurt the first time, I would have already thrown the male stone at you, just to see how you would take it."

"I would not take it well."

"That's kind of what I thought. If it makes you feel any better, you were the only one I wanted to do that to."

"It doesn't, actually. It really, really doesn't."

"Well, to each their own. So, what have you done to my clothes?"

She brightened right up and began talking about things I don't care about using words I don't know. I already mentioned some of what she did. She also fixed all the damage everything had taken in the forest. She added iron to the toes of my shoes, which she promised was easily removed. It was her usual masterful work.

"I do feel a lot heavier now," I said, trying to judge if it would slow me down any. A few seconds of experimentation told me my arm would be off if I tried throwing something, but I had a bit of time to fix that. "You need anything before you go to sleep?"

"You are staying right here until that food gets here, Nav. It should have been here by now, but it _is _late…"

"You really can't make me stay, Rarity." She got a look of determination on her face. I continued, "But I will stay anyway; I have few enough people willing to help me get better to risk hurting them." She smiled with relief.

We talked a bit about my travels in the forest until the food got here. I knew she wanted to yell at the guy delivering it for taking so long, but she refrained. Poor stallion didn't look like he could take being yelled at anyway.

She floated the tray in and gently set it down on a table set up against the wall. "Now eat!" she told me, giving me the kind of look I would expect from either a mother or Celestia.

I rolled my eyes and walked over to the table. "Apples. Raw bread. Boiled eggs. They don't have any imagination down there in the kitchens, do they?" I asked.

She used magic to pull a chair out and pointed at it. I sat. I think she tried to use magic to push the chair back in, but it didn't work; I heard her loudly gulp and when I looked up at her she was looking away. I shook my head and began._ Least they could have done was give me some butter…_

I finally finished and pushed the tray away, feeling slightly sick. "Happy?" I asked.

She looked down on the tray, making sure I actually had eaten everything. "Happy enough," she replied. "You just make sure to keep eating, even if you don't feel hungry. I don't care what kind of magic you have sustaining you; you still need to eat."

"I'll be fine, Rarity," I said, standing up. "I'll just go drop this off at the kitchen and let you sleep, I guess."

She nodded a bit. "Good night, Navarone. Have fun doing whatever you do all night."

I grabbed the tray and shrugged. "I might have fun. I'll probably just walk the labyrinth for a spell, or maybe explore the castle. And I still need to get my armor. See you in the morning, lass."

I dropped the tray off and got my armor and axe first. I threw the armor in a bag as quietly as I could and flew back to Canterlot and dropped it all in my room there. That done, I hit the labyrinth. Nothing much in it, but it killed a few hours. It's deceptively big, too, and I made sure to explore the entire thing using the right-hand rule. I'm beginning to think a few places in this world have black holes in them, and distort space and time so they will look smaller than they actually are. I've said it before, though: This world makes no sense to me.

When I reached the end of the maze, I remembered I was still wearing the ring. I removed it; if it was day I would have left it on, but Luna might wish to talk during the night. I wasn't expecting it tonight, with her old friend here to catch up with, but you never know.

The labyrinth conquered, I decided to head into the castle proper, to see if I could find any manner of library. While I was still outside, I looked up at the sky to see if I could possibly tell what time it was.

When I looked down, I saw a massive dragon in front of me, with Luna alongside him. They were both looking at me. "Princess, Reginald," I nodded to them. How did I not hear them coming?

I suddenly found myself being hugged by Luna—suddenly as in teleported into her open front legs. The thing about being hugged by a pony is that you get a lot of their weight shifted onto you. For Taya, that's not a problem. For ponies like Twilight, it isn't that much of a problem. Luna was pushing the edges of what I could hold, though. I don't even want to think about being hugged by Celestia. I really don't want to think about where that would put my face.

Thankfully, the hug didn't last long. "Thank you so much, Nav," she said, letting me go. "I actually forgot about Reginald here until I saw him again!"

I heard a deep chuckle beside us, and felt a warm breath of steam hit us. "And they say the old have bad memories," he quipped.

"You aren't _that _much older than us," Luna said. "Though you've always liked to pretend you were. Anything to impress somepony, as I recall."

He snorted, bathing us with more steam. "Calling me not that much older is a bit of a misnomer, for those as old as us. I'm a few thousand years older than Celestia, Navarone, and don't let her try to tell you otherwise."

"A thousand years means quite a lot, you know!" Luna answered.

"To you, yes. Especially if you spend it on the moon, I suppose. To me? I recently woke up after sleeping for around a hundred years. Though to be fair, dragons are actually supposed to live this long. What happened to you—"

"Enough of that, Reginald," she answered with a pained look. He bowed his head. "So, Navarone, is there any reason you fell off the map earlier?" How she manages to watch me all the time she's awake, I don't know; Twilight mentioned how distracting it was to see things from my view.

"I fear I angered your sister again. I thought it not worth risking my neck just to see how far I can push her and still come back."

"Then perhaps you should _stop angering her_," she answered rather pointedly. "But surely her wrath didn't last that long."

"I ran into a friend from Ponyville. I always find it pays to be protected around her. Never know what she might try to do."

Luna's gaze grew colder at the mention of Rarity. "I see." The air grew somewhat frosty at those words. "I'm surprised to see you even still here. I suppose Celestia's anger is because you refused to go back into the forest?"

"It was because I refused to take some time off from the forest, actually. She… convinced me to stay in town, and suggested I spend some time with my friend."

"She did, did she?" I was just digging my grave deeper and deeper. "And what kind of plans do you two have?"

I was somewhat afraid to answer, but I did anyway: "Rarity wants to further her image here in town. She knows how I keep getting invited to all manner of boring events since I'm your knight. She asked me to take her to a few of them. We're going to some tomorrow as friends." I thought for half a second, and continued, "She tried to get me to ask you or Celestia to attend with us, but I knew neither of you are interested in things such as those."

"Uh huh." Sometimes I just shouldn't open my mouth.

"Yup." I think it might have been dangerous for me to be there much longer, so I decided to beat feet: "Well, it was good seeing you again, Reginald. I think I'll leave you two to continue catching up. You know how to find me if you need me, Luna."

She gave a stiff nod, and Reginald answered, "Until we meet again, Navarone." I casually walked away as quickly as I could until I got out of sight, when I slowed down. I contemplated putting the ring on, and decided against it; no reason to risk pissing Luna off even more if she did want to talk to me later.

It didn't take me much time to find a library. It took me even less time to get inside; it was locked, but that doesn't mean much to someone with a skeleton key.

The sun took a long time to rise, that's for damn sure; Princess Luna never summoned me, so I was left in the library all night. I was interrupted a little after dusk by a librarian. He saw me sitting next to a stack of books and his jaw dropped.

"How did you… What…" He sighed. "Human, why are you in my library?"

I shrugged. "I got bored. What time is it?"

"Around seven. When you get done put everything up as you found it, I suppose."

I finished a bit of the passage I was on and put everything up. The librarian let out a sigh of relief as I walked out the door. I slowly meandered my way back to my room.

I changed out of the clothes Rarity modified and put on some thicker clothes I brought with me to muffle the feel of armor against my skin. Then I started strapping on the actual armor, which took a while since I didn't remember exactly how everything went. When I finally got it all on, I started putting on weapons. I left the sword in my room and slid the axe over my shoulder instead. I've described my weapon alignment before, so I don't feel like writing the rest of it out.

All that done, I stepped outside, relocked my door, and knocked on Rarity's. She opened it with a bit of a fearful look. "Thank Celestia," she whispered. "Oh hello, Navarone!" she said, louder. "Do come in!"

She opened her door wider. I got a step inside. _I. Am. An. Idiot._ I saw Princess Luna inside, sipping casually at a cup of tea. "Luna," I said, nodding at her. "If I'm interrupting anything, I can find something else to do for a little while."

Rarity closed the door behind me a little bit too hard to be natural. "No, no," Rarity said, "Nothing that important. Princess Luna and I were just talking about you, in fact!"

"We were talking about your invitation, to be more precise," Luna said. "I think I might accept it; I have not been to many events in Canterlot since I got back, even though I am always invited."

"Glad to see you're trying to make more friends, Luna. Though I don't really know if any of these people will be someone you'd want as a friend."

"I guess we'll find out. Though that does raise a bit of a conundrum, of sorts… You see, my typical guards of the night are asleep right now. It simply wouldn't do for a princess to be somewhere without an escort."

"It's a good thing Celestia has a load of royal guards just sort of chilling around the palace, then," I answered.

If looks could kill… Well, I'd have died long ago. But I think my body would have just gotten dismembered by this one. "Indeed," she answered in a tone that should have given me frostbite. _Why do I keep digging this hole?_

"So, Rarity, what kind of events will we be attending, anyway?" I asked, keeping my tune relatively hopeful

She perked up a little, but she still looked rather scared. "An opera," she said in a voice barely above a whisper. "And then a luncheon. And finally, a garden party." By the time she finished, she was about up to a conversational tone.

Now, none of you will believe this, but I actually liked some opera back home. I didn't know anything about pony opera, but surely it couldn't be _that _bad. Though if I was having to deal with Luna being a jealous little filly the whole time it might be excruciating.

"So when do we leave?" I asked.

A few hours later, a relatively small group left the palace heading to some opera hall or something. Luna decided not to take guards, which gave me a bit of an eerie feeling. Rarity and Luna led the way, with me flanking them. I did my best to look like an actual knight before I realized that I honestly didn't care.

Pretty much everyone on the streets was watching us. Some were more discrete about it than others, but we were definitely the focus of the crowds. And I don't think it was Rarity's ridiculous outfit that caused it. I was relatively well-known around Equestria by now, but I still always get looks wherever I go. But most of the looks were reserved for Luna, I believe. She didn't go out much in Canterlot, preferring to spend her time either in the palace or in smaller places like Ponyville.

I noticed something that I wasn't able to ask about until much later. When I did, I learned that there was some manner of tradition in the city for dealing with Celestia or Luna: If they were in a carriage or something, bow and make obeisance. But if they were on foot, they were to be treated with respect but no bowing or the like. We were on foot, thank God.

I had a feeling that anything Rarity might have gained from my being with her was going to be lost when everyone noticed Luna was there. Unless Rarity managed to convince them that Luna was there because of her. I wanted nothing to do with that; I was there as a knight. Or more truthfully, I was there as a friend of Rarity's who happened to also be a knight.

At the opera, Luna was given a special VIP seat, of course, and much fuss was made over her. You know, typical royalty stuff. She very purposefully and very discretely snubbed me and Rarity in taking over the VIP box just for herself, too.

The few ponies that would have been there with Rarity were put into the next best seating, and the buck pretty much passed down that way, until the people in the last 'special' spots were put into the regular crowd.

There were a few looks and comments about why she was snubbing her 'loyal' knight, but when I explained that I was here with Rarity most of those comments were nipped.

In their place, however, were ponies actually talking to me before the show started. No one mentioned that I hadn't responded to any of the letters I had gotten, which was good because they probably would have expected me to remember who sent what. I checked each one to make sure there was nothing personal before I had Taya start burning them, but I didn't recognize any of the rich people here.

Shortly enough the opera began and everyone settled down. I sat next to Rarity, of course. She tried to hide it, but I saw the hurt feeling in Rarity's eyes from what Luna had done. When the singing and whatnot started, I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "I know what Luna is doing, and why. I will try to reason with her." I put my hand on her hoof for a second before backing out of the balcony.

I made my way up to Luna's seating, where a small horde of the opera house's servants stood milling about, uncertain what the exact protocol on this was; it had been so long since either princess had visited that there weren't exactly any rules in place for it. I took one look at that mess and couldn't help but face-palm. I don't suggest doing that with gauntlets.

"Why are you all here?" I quietly asked. They all turned toward me with more hope in their eyes than they should have had. "Well?"

It took a few seconds, but one of them finally spoke up. He said, "We… we don't exactly… what are we supposed to do? She's a princess!"

I'm sure I had a bit of an exasperated look on my face. "What has she asked for?" I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

"Not to be disturbed," the stallion answered.

"Nothing else?"

They all shook their heads.

"One of you, stay here. The rest of you go back to your positions, whatever they are." They all looked around at each other, but none started walking away. I rubbed lightly at my temple. I pointed to a pony at random. "You, stay here. The rest of you, leave." They all looked at the marked mare, and she tried hiding her astonishment by bowing her head. After a short moment, they all started breaking away. I was left with the mare and the stallion that originally spoke up.

"Now Berry, you do as he tells you, ya hear?" the stallion was whispering to her. She nodded fearfully. "That's a good filly." The stallion looked up to me. "Thank you for setting us straight, friend; it has been a while since we had a patron of her rank. Berry here will serve you both well. She'll be sure not to disturb the princess."

I nodded. "Thank you both. We would have sent more warning, but it was a bit of a spur-of-the-moment decision for Princess Luna to even come by. My apologies for the inconvenience. I'm sure if you sent some manner of runner to the palace, you would be compensated for any loss of business from giving away the VIP seats."

"Oh, no!" he said quickly. "It is an honor to have royalty here again! And the others all understand the reasoning behind it, of course. No insult was taken."

I nodded again. "Thank you, then. If you have no further questions, I need to speak to the princess for a moment."

The two ponies looked at each other. The stallion nodded. Berry hesitantly spoke up, "Princess Luna asked not to be disturbed… I'm sorry, but…"

"She's expecting me," I told them. She looked back to the stallion, who shrugged. I went on through and closed the door behind me.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to sort through that mess," Luna said without looking away from the show. "I was starting to think they would all be there the entire time."

"I would never let you down, Luna," I answered. "Surely you know that by now."

"And yet…" She stopped.

"And yet you still think Rarity might be some manner of threat to you." I sat down next to her, making sure my wings didn't get caught anywhere. "You are jealous." I'm pretty sure I offended her when I said that. I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring, making sure she saw me do it. "You have nothing to be jealous about."

She looked at me, then. "I know, Nav… It's just hard, knowing you care so much about your friends. I know you care about me, but…" She sighed, looking down slightly before returning her sorrowful gaze to the show.

"I am doing a favor for a friend right now, Luna. I promised her I would do this for her. You and I both know it's silly, but she asked and I agreed. I never go back on my word; you should know that by now. I lie, but if I say that I'll do something it _will _be done." We were both silent for a little while, just watching the show.

Finally I said, "You scared Rarity, Luna. I don't know what you did, but when she opened the door this morning I could tell she was terrified." Luna didn't say anything, but looked to the floor instead of to the show. "You can make it up to her by being nice on the rest of this day's trip. I know she's overly dramatic and can be somewhat annoying, but a more generous soul you'd be hard-pressed to find."

She sighed lightly. "I will be nicer," she finally said. "And when the day is over I'll apologize." She looked back up to the show. A second later she turned her gaze to me. "How deep does your friendship go?"

"We're just friends, if that's what you are asking."

"What would you be willing to give me if I did more for her than be nice and apologize?"

"You are going to have to name a few specifics, both what she'll get and what you want from me."

She did so. When she finished, it was my turn to be silent for a while. It _would _greatly help Rarity's image… But was it worth it? I debated that in my mind for a little while. _Well, what the hell. I've done worse for less._

"Deal," I told her. I held out a hand, and after a moment of hesitation she held out a hoof. We shook. "Now, I fear I have to return to my seat. If you find that you require anything, the little mare outside is named Berry; she'll be happy to help."

"Thank you, Nav." I nodded and quietly left. I spooked Berry a bit when I opened the door. Her face quickly turned red.

I pulled out two coins and put them on a little table next to the door to the balcony. "For your… discretion," I commented. She tenderly reached a hoof out. Before she could blink there was a knife between the two coins, right in front of her hoof. "For your silence," I whispered, holding my finger to her lips. Her eyes went wide as saucers and her mouth would have been wide open if I hadn't made sure it was shut. "Do we have an understanding?" I asked, removing my finger from her lips and brushing her low-hanging bangs from her eyes. She nodded, too afraid to trust her voice.

I pried the knife out and worked my way down the hall to where Rarity and the other stuffy rich folk were still watching the show with all appearances of absolute boredom. I slipped the ring on as I made my way back to sit beside Rarity. I leaned over and said in a voice for her ears only, "You owe me for this." She waved her hoof back dismissively. I knew she got the message.

I knew the show was due to go on for a little while, so I settled in to either enjoy it or ignore it, whichever came first. As it turned out, the show was pretty good. Something about the founding of Equestria or something. They got it factually wrong, but it was still decent enough.

We all left the opera together, Luna, Rarity's little group, and I. The workers there were relatively happy to see Luna gone, though they hid it well. It isn't that they were afraid of Nightmare Moon, but more that they were completely unsure of how to handle her or if she was any different from Celestia. Still, I know they were pleased to have had her there.

When we got outside of the opera house, Luna came straight over to Rarity and the rich ponies around her. "Thank you for inviting me, Rarity," Luna told her, making sure to be heard by everyone in the little group. "Sometimes I forget the simple pleasure of song."

It took Rarity less than a second to recover. "It was my pleasure, Princess," she answered, bowing slightly. The others followed suit. "You are welcome to join us for the rest of the day, if you are available…" A few others with Rarity offered their invitations as well. Bloody toadies, the lot of them.

Luna took a moment to pretend to consider. "Normally I am abed at this hour, but… I rarely get to spend time with friends. If I truly wouldn't be a bother, I will tag along." The toadies were quick to assure her that she would be very welcome.

So instead of Rarity getting to show off a knight, she got to show off a princess. And a knight, but with the princess there, few of them took much notice of me.

There were a few rich and very snooty people with Rarity, but there were one or two good ones. A fellow that really stuck in my mind was the hilariously named Fancy Pants. No, I'm not joking. To be fair though, there was a guy in Ponyville named Filthy Rich.

Anyway, Fancy Pants was among the first to talk to me after the opera. "Sir Navarone, you're here to join us today as well? Rarity, you do surround yourself with the elite!"

She looked up from her conversation with a few random, less important ponies to answer. "Sir Navarone? Yes, I know him from my hometown. He was kind enough to ask me to join him on some of today's events!" I grimaced slightly and wished for a moment that I was wearing my helmet.

"I see," he answered. "So, Sir Navarone, what brings you back to Canterlot? Last I heard you were working out of Ponyville."

I answered, "So, there are some ponies keeping tabs on me. I suppose my fame is growing. Yes, I do live there. But perhaps you remember the dragon last night?" He nodded, shivering slightly. "He is an old friend of the princesses, but they had not spoken in a while. I found him in the Everfree forest—" That got everyone's attention. "—and he asked me to come with him to visit them, in case he was not recognized. I suppose we caused a bit of a panic," I finished with a light smile.

"Everfree forest?" he asked with awe. "Whatever were you doing in _that _horrid place?"

"Princess Luna asked me to explore it." I shrugged. "There's only so much of it you can see by flying over it, so I had to do it by foot."

"And have you found anything worth the effort?" a redshirt asked.

"Yes. But you'd have to ask the princesses for more details; I have been told not to discuss my findings." That set off tickers in a lot of minds. Something worth finding in the Everfree forests, that the princesses don't want anyone to know about.

After that, I was left alone, for the most part. The luncheon progressed nicely—though Rarity glared at me until I ate something—and within an hour or so we found ourselves at the garden party. It was on the grounds of the palace, thankfully.

The rest of the day had been mostly small events, with a few people involved and all in relatively tight groups. There had been little chance for any of them to approach me, and less desire for them to do so with Luna and Rarity around. This party was a lot larger, with several rich ponies around. Luna got swarmed, and as soon as she mentioned she was there with Rarity, the swarm surrounded her as well. I was cut off from her, thankfully. Rarity seemed to belong here with these annoying people, and she was kind enough to pull as many of them as she could away from me.

However, with Rarity and Luna completely surrounded, that left little in the way of interesting people to talk to. That didn't bother me so much, given that I could zone out for hours at a time, but it did matter to others. There was still Fancy Pants, but he was a common visitor to events like this. Given that, a few ponies started gravitating toward the only other thing of interest they saw at that party: Me.

I heard a mare behind me say, "So Sir Navarone, I've heard many tales about you." I turned to face her and froze: It was the mare that caused me and Rarity to get arrested back when I was a model. I gulped, knowing what kind of tales were probably being told about me in Canterlot by some of the more unsavory types. She continued, "Is it true that you single-hoovedly led a rampaging army across Egypt?" I let out a small sigh of relief. _Better that than taking on a room full of mares._

"No one pony leads an army, dear," Fancy Pants answered, walking up. "I see you've met my wife, Fleur-de-Lis. I've heard tales of that feat as well, and always wondered the truth of them." His wife? Interesting. For a pony, she was probably beautiful; from what I remember, she didn't have many other redeeming qualities. Trophy wife, I suppose.

"I was Celestia's voice, I suppose," I answered. "And I did my share of the leg work and planning to keep the army moving. But I wasn't the actual leader of the group. That honor went to a cat named Jocasta." They asked me a bit more about it. I've referenced that bloody event enough, I think, and if you really want to know more look in a damn history book.

Then they got to asking me a bit more about the Everfree forest. "I've heard there are all manner of undiscovered fruits in that place. Have you considered bringing any out for study?" Fancy Pants asked.

"I have been, actually," I answered. "I watch a fruit tree long enough to see animals eating the fruit, to make sure it is all edible. When I see that, I grab a few and make sure to grab some seeds as well. Some of them I give to a farmer friend and some of them I bring to a scientist friend. I don't know how well the seeds will take to the ground, but if they do well you can probably start expecting more Everfree fruit in the coming years."

"Ah, the Apple family I presume?" I nodded. "We do so love their Zap Apple Jam…" Zap Apples are some strange brand of apples that came out of the forest and were grown at Applejack's farm. Once a year or so, they magically sprout and grow the most magnificent apples you could ever see or taste. Every other time of the year, the trees are completely barren. "Though I suppose it will be some time before they start making products with the fruits."

"I don't know anything about farming," I answered with a shrug.

"What else have you found in there, that you are allowed to talk about?" Fancy Pants asked.

"A few ruins. The dragon. A zebra hermit. All manner of nasty critters. I don't suggest using that place as a vacation spot."

They smiled at that. Before they could ask anything else, though, we were interrupted. "So where do you come from, human?" Blueblood asked, striding up. He looked… well, he wouldn't be winning any more beauty contests, that's for sure. The poison sure did a number on him. His face looked ravaged by time, and his mane was mostly gone. His eyes were bloodshot and had lost much of their color. His entire coat looked ragged. He was glaring at me with a fierceness I hadn't been subjected to in a while, a sneer on his face. I saw that his teeth were rotting, as well. The only thing about him that was similar was his voice, which was an eerie contrast to his ruined body.

"Another dimension, I suppose." I shrugged. "I've never really thought about it in relation to Equestria."

"And is everypony there as bad a guard as you?"

"Hey, I got as much of that poison as you did! It's not my fault you suck at living." Oh, that pissed him off big time. It also won me a hidden smile from Fancy Pants; Blueblood was never well liked by most of the ponies that actually knew him, and I garnered that his recent behaviors had made him even less popular.

"Do you know what I do to bad guards, human?" he asked with a very dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"I suppose you yell at the royal guards. Maybe order them strapped or something."

"_Or something,_" he mocked. "I challenge them. If they can beat me, they do not receive any punishment. If they can't… Well, their punishment varies based on their actions."

"Then I suppose it's a good thing I'm not a guard and that you have absolutely no authority over me."

"You were assigned to guard me. I do believe that makes you a guard. And as to having authority? I am a prince. You are less than a commoner, not even the equal of a pony."

I saw Luna turn her gaze and ears over to us at that point. I knew this was about to get interesting. "Frankly, Blueblood, I don't give a damn what you think or what you think you are entitled to. Nor do I really care what you have to say. How about you head on back to bed? You look like you need some rest."

What it looked like he needed was a chill pill. Or an unhealthy dose of euthanasia. With every word I said his rage grew and grew. I think it was only the fact that he was in a public place that stopped him from attacking me offhand. "I challenge you, human," he growled.

"Uh huh. Fancy Pants, what are the rules of an Equestrian duel?"

"The pony that is challenged picks the time and the place. Killing is discouraged, but allowed. The duel ends when either party is unable to continue fighting or either party admits defeat."

"Weapons?" I asked.

He looked confused for a second. "There are no official rules _against _them, but they also aren't specifically _allowed_. Maybe Princess Luna could fill us in?" She had been listening with more and more interest, and finally stepped up when called upon.

"Weapons are allowed," she said. "It is an old rule, back when races with hands were more common in cities. Most races didn't have as many natural weapons or strength as ponies, so it was decided weapons should be allowed." I checked my crossbow.

"Of course," Fancy Pants continued, "there hasn't been a _real _duel in Equestria in… centuries, I suppose. There are a few games every year, but those are always for fun. To actually have a duel…" he smiled. "This day will be talked about in a while, I believe." Blueblood was still giving me the most hate-filled looks you could imagine.

"So, I can set the time and place?" I asked. Luna put on a small smile, and nodded. I think she knew what was coming. I hoisted my crossbow a bit. "Blueblood, I accept your duel. I set the place to here and the time to… Now." He had half a second to look surprised before a bolt dug deep into his neck. He dropped and began flopping on the ground.

"So that means I win, right?" The only ponies not completely panicking were Luna and Fancy Pants. Luna bent down to make sure Blueblood didn't die.

Fancy Pants was doing his best to not burst out laughing. When he finally got control of himself, he answered, "Yes, Navarone, I think you won. Now don't get me wrong: What you did was wrong and had absolutely no honor in it, but you definitely won."

"Honor?" I asked, confused. "Why the hell would anyone fight with honor? If I'm in a fight, I'm in it to win, not to make my opponent feel okay about losing."

"That is… an interesting way of looking at it, I suppose," he answered. "But you won't find too many ponies willing to fight against you if you keep that attitude."

"Good. Only an idiot seeks fights out. I fight when I know I will win or when I know I have no choice. To do anything else is suicidal."

He nodded slowly. "You definitely have a refreshing viewpoint, human. There are many that would call you a coward."

"I'd rather be a live coward than a dead hero. Especially if either way I'm the victor."

He gave a dark smile at that. "Yes, I can understand that. Tell me, how long will you be in Canterlot? Sometimes I grow weary of… this," he said, waving his hoof around the party that was just beginning to stop panicking. "It would be nice to have somepony to talk to that isn't just doting on me. Somepony that actually treats me as an equal."

"I'm probably leaving tomorrow morning, actually. And I have a relatively busy day and night ahead of me, after this."

"I understand," he said. "When the princess calls, we obey." He looked around again, sighing. "I suppose I'll have to help fix this mess. Blueblood isn't well liked, but he is a pony and he was just almost killed by something not a pony. I don't think many here realized it was a duel that _he _challenged _you _to."

"Hm… I didn't think that this might add more fear against me." I looked down to Blueblood, mostly recovered but still on the ground. "But I think it was worth it." We shared another smile before he went off to calm the party.

He wasn't gone half a minute before Blueblood got up and stormed off without a word. I grabbed the bolt that Luna had pulled out and reloaded my crossbow. "Well?" I asked her.

She just shook her head with a smile and went to help Fancy Pants. I sought out Rarity.

It didn't take me that long to find her: She was also helping calm the ponies down. When they all saw me, the ponies she was trying to comfort bolted. She sighed and turned to me. "Well, Navarone? What do you have to say for yourself?"

I shrugged. "He wanted a duel." I gave off a little chuckle, and continued in a flat voice, "I won."

"Blueblood was stupid enough to…" She sighed again, shaking her head slightly. "This party is over. Head back to my room. I'll be there soon enough."

"You got it." I slipped the ring off and jumped into the air. Probably not the best move to remind the people that thought I just murdered someone that I could fly, but I also didn't really care. It was also probably not the best move to take my ring off when I just almost murdered Celestia's nephew; I don't imagine she would be too happy about that.

I made it to Rarity's apartments with no problems, and put the ring back on with a sigh of relief. I got in using my key and sat back to wait. Opalescence rubbed herself against my leg and we played for a bit; as long as I was the only one around her, she was pretty alright. She was also one of the few animals smart enough to know I exist, which might have been why she was okay with me.

As soon as Rarity got back, though, Opal immediately hissed at me and buggered right off. Rarity didn't spare the cat a glance, though. I barely had time to stand up before I was forced right back down by a tackle that soon resolved into a hug. I can't imagine that was comfortable for her against my armor. "You're the best friend ever!" she laughed.

"Yeah, I'm pretty great," I said. "Now, I don't suppose you could get off me?"

She noticed what position she was in. "Oh! Yes, I suppose I could do that." She picked herself off of my lap and stood back up. "When you said you took care of Luna for me, I didn't expect you meant _that_! What did you say to her?"

"We made a deal."

"What did she want from _you_? I thought you did just about anything they asked of you."

"It's not important, Rarity. So your image wasn't ruined by having your 'date' almost kill Blueblood?"

"Absolutely not! That was the best thing that happened for me all day! To have a date so loyal to challenge the most renowned fighter in all of Equestria for my honor! And then to win that duel, in my name… If I didn't know any better, I would say you were expecting some kind of _reward _from me."

I couldn't help but chuckle at what she said. "_That's_ what they told you the duel was about?" She nodded, looking confused. I continued, "I see no reason to deny it to any of your friends over there, but what really happened is that Blueblood was being a dick and I put him in his place. He didn't like that so _he _challenged _me_. I suppose Luna made the other story up to make you look better."

She was silent for a moment, and then gave an even bigger smile and jumped on me once again. "Now I _really _owe you for getting Luna on my side! Whatever she demanded in return, it couldn't have been enough!" Now _that _is an opinion.

"Honestly, I don't know why you care so much about your image here. The only one of those rich people worth talking to is Fancy Pants. And his wife is the reason we ended up in jail those few years ago. Also, can you get off me?"

She jumped back down. "_She _is the reason we were arrested and your career as a model was ended prematurely?"

"Yep. We were visiting one of their country houses or something, and she tried to seduce me. I took it about as well as someone who isn't at all attracted to ponies would. She was not amused and fabricated some charges."

"Hm. I wonder why she would… Oh! She's probably jealous of me." At my look, she continued, "Of everypony here in Canterlot, I'm one of the few Fancy Pants actually enjoys talking to or being around. She might have assumed there was something else going on between us. To that end, she wanted some manner of revenge, and thought we were a couple and could get back at me by seducing you."

"Well, I guess that makes sense. Didn't work out very well for her, though. We got arrested and got out with no problem. And you're free to continue sleeping with her husband." She gave me a bit of a dirty look for that. I pretending like I was thinking about something for a second. "Maybe I should have slept with her. I suppose it would have been fair. Though I don't know how she looks."

"Hmph. I have _not _slept with Fancy Pants, nor would I. As to you bedding his wife? I don't suggest it. I don't think she thinks with her brain that often. She might be stupid enough to eventually think you love her."

"Yes, that would be inconvenient. I've dealt with enough of that shit with you bloody ponies; I don't need another one to add to the list."

"That's just because we're all more open-minded than you are. If you got over your distaste for the idea of loving a pony, you wouldn't be complaining so much. From what I've heard, you don't seem to have that problem with cats or dragons."

"I got used to the cat when I didn't have any choice in the matter for half a month. The dragon… Well, Celestia did tell me to enjoy myself at that party." And God, Kumani could do some things with that long tongue of hers… I realized I was smiling slightly, and tried to wipe it off my face. "Everything after that is a bit of a blur, with all the spells I had over me. The only reason I remember some of that week is because I wrote it down while it was happening, in my spare time."

"Well, if you ask me—" she was interrupted by a knock at the door. She gave me a look that promised this wasn't over, and opened it with magic. In walked Princess Celestia. _Here we go._

She didn't look overly pleased. "Navarone, come with me." Not even a word to Rarity. I got up and went with her, Rarity watching me go with a mixture of fear for my fate and respect for Celestia.

When I got outside Rarity's rooms, I found Celestia was alone. Well, it isn't like she needs guards to subdue me, if it came down to it. I'm not stupid enough to attack her anyway. She pulled Rarity's door shut and led me away, not saying a word. I followed. After a second of thought, I casually slipped my ring off. If she noticed, she didn't mention it.

I don't know how long we walked. She never said a word to me, but she did talk a bit to a few other ponies we passed.

Eventually we got to the throne room. Celestia walked right up to the dais and took her spot. After a moment's consideration, I stood a bit in front of her, to her side. We still didn't have any guards with us, and I figured I might as well pretend to be here for a reason that wasn't punishment.

We were there for a few hours, while a steady stream of courtiers and messengers came in to deliver something or discuss some issue. I gotta say, if that's what Celestia does all day, I'm glad I'm not in that position. As soon as I realized I was there for the long haul, I zoned right the fuck out. I paid just enough attention to make sure no one threatening entered.

A few of the people that stopped by were there at the party. As soon as they saw me standing by her side they quickly decided to head somewhere else.

We were like that until around the time the sun was setting, when Celestia stood and set off again. I followed her without a word. She led us to what I suppose was the royal dining hall or something. Luna was already there eating breakfast. She looked up when we came in, and raised an eyebrow when she saw me.

"Navarone? I wasn't expecting to see you so early." She yawned, reminding me that she didn't get much in the way of sleep last night. Or during the day, I suppose.

"Well, Celestia told me to follow her, so I have been. She hasn't said a word to me since, so I suppose unless you feel like telling me to follow you instead I'll just follow her right to bed."

Luna's guards stiffened at that, either at what they thought I implied or at the thought that they might be forced to deal with me. Luna looked thoughtful for a second and was about to reply, but Celestia finally decided to break her silence. "You seem to insist upon making my life hard, so I decided to make your life boring. It seemed only fair." She sat down to eat.

Luna spoke up, "Well Nav, which would you prefer: A dangerous life or a boring life?"

"If I'm going to end up living in the palace, from the looks of things it'll be both. Challenged to a duel by a royal twat and then punished for winning. It's hard, being a human in a pony's world."

"Well, we've offered to fix that for you," Luna commented, sipping at some manner of juice. "It's hardly our fault if you choose to be difficult."

"I don't remember either of you offering to turn all the ponies to humans. I guess I took a few too many knocks to the head while serving you."

"Well that was pretty obvious," Celestia murmured. Louder she continued, "I suppose you might as well follow Luna for the rest of the night, Nav, unless you are really that interested in watching me sleep. And if you are, you can definitely follow Luna instead. Just make sure to see me before you leave tomorrow morning. I have something for you to deliver."

"I suppose I can do that," I answered. "I have to drop my armor off before I hit the forest anyway."

"This won't be too much of a detour," she said. "Now sit. No reason for you to watch us eat. And you two are also welcome to whatever you please," she said to me and the two guards with Luna.

I pulled out a chair—seriously, why the fuck do ponies even have those?—and sat. The guards shared a look with each other before moving to either side of Luna. They sat, staring at the food but not daring to actually eat. I rolled my eyes and threw an apple at one. He caught it with his mouth before he even realized what he was doing. It went a bit easier from there.

A few minutes into it, the one I didn't throw anything at asked me, "What of you, human? Aren't you going to eat?"

I shrugged. "I ate last night. I'm still fine for now."

"Last night?" the other guard asked. "How are you not famished?"

"I'm part tree." The princesses smiled at that description. "It has given me all manner of interesting skills. I barely feel physical contact, I never sleep in spring or summer, and I almost never need to eat." I paused for a moment, as if thinking about something before continuing, "Oh, and I'll probably live for thousands of years. You know, the typical tree things."

I think that if the princesses weren't there, the guards would have commented on some of those. As it was, they remained silent and Luna took up the slack, "At least eat something, Nav. It's eerie, seeing you just staring into space. Besides, Rarity mentioned your… condition."

_Dammit, Rarity._ "For all you know, this is typical human eating behavior." She gave me one of _those _looks for that. "Fine. But only because you asked so nicely." I pulled a knife out of somewhere and stabbed an apple with it. I raised it to my mouth for a second, lowered it, mouthed, _Have I killed someone with this?_, shrugged, and took a bite.

Luna rolled her eyes at my display. "Stop showing off, Nav." I looked up briefly before continuing eating. She just sniffed. Celestia shook her head, wearing a small smile.

After a second, Celestia looked up. "Do you like bananas?" she asked, pointing to a bushel of them. "We don't get them here often."

I looked at them. "I haven't had a banana in… a while." I grabbed one and peeled it. I saw one of the guards smirking as I took a bite. I flipped him off and continued eating. I knew he didn't know what that meant, but it made me feel better.

It was a pretty nice meal, all things considered. And it was a nice prelude to a long, long night.

(Clop is coming. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

When Celestia left for bed, Luna left momentarily to arrange the moon and the stars. That didn't take long, for better or for worse.

Since I was less specific as to what the deal was in my regular journals, here it is: I was Luna's toy for the night. I would do whatever she told me to do. In return, she was Rarity's friend for the day, and would be any time Rarity requested her and Luna didn't have something important to do.

Thankfully for me, Luna was still a princess and still had princess duties to do. I stood guard on her while she did all that mess for a little while. Finally she called me up. "Oooh, looking at you frustrates me, Nav! Curse this administrative work!" She pulled a key out of… somewhere… and passed it to me. "Go wait in my chambers. If any guards give you trouble, show them the key."

"Yes… mistress." She gave me a seductive smile when I said that. _Here we go…_

I got lost on the way to her quarters because apparently I'm fucktarded, but found the way easily enough after a moment of thought. There weren't any guards outside her room this time for some reason, but I wasn't about to question it. I opened her door and walked on in.

And immediately stopped. _Oh fuck_. Where the hell does a _pony _get a full set of bondage gear? Why the hell would a pony even ne—Oh boy.

Rarity, you bitch, you really owe me now. I closed the doors behind me and walked on in. I looked over the selection of toys. _Let's see_… Riding crop. Table with plenty of straps. A few ball gags. I don't even _know _what that is. Strap-on. Paddle. Leash and co—STRAP-ON!

_Oh fuck no!_ I turned around and ripped the door open, only to bump into Luna. A very happy looking Luna. I started backing into the room, trying to get away from her. I stopped when I bumped into the table.

She continued into the room, using her magic to close the door behind her. "I see you found my new toys," she said, ignoring the expression on my face. "Don't worry. They're not for you." I visibly slumped. _Wait, if they're not for me…_ I looked up again to see her smiling even wider. "They're for me!"

"Wait, what?"

She used her magic to gently lift me out of the way and walked over to the table. "Being a princess is hard work, Nav," she answered, not looking at me. "And everypony always bows and scrapes. You're always in charge, always responsible…" She turned her gaze to me. "Tonight, I won't be. Tonight, _you _get to be in charge of _me_!"

"Oh. Huh." Not what I was expecting.

She frowned a little. "You don't like that?" she asked, confused. "I thought you always wanted more control in your… relations."

"I'm not going to lie, Luna: I have been raped. A lot. It's getting old. But this… I've never really been the dominating type." I saw her expression drop even more. I sighed. "But for you, Luna, I'll do it. And I'll do my best at it."

The look on her face was almost enough to make me happy I was about to do something uncomfortable. She used magic to scoot all of that stuff off the table and gently lied down. I noticed then how large the table was.

"Pardon me if I'm a little… unused to this, Nav," she said when she was on her stomach, legs splayed. "All I have to go on are the few times I've seen you… Well, you know." The thing is, she actually had never seen me with Kat, back when it was _really _bad.

_Well, if I'm going to do this…_ "Flip over, Luna," I ordered. She did so, to lie on her back. I went to lock the door. "If a guard walks in on us… Well, explaining that is something even I wouldn't want to try to do." I walked back over to the table. _Hm_… "Stretch your legs out. She did so. I started strapping them down. "You know, in my world a pony couldn't even stretch her legs like this," I said while working. "They'd break them in a heartbeat."

"You don't sa—mmf!" I slipped in the ball gag and kept going. When I was finished, her wings were strapped in, her tail was strapped in, her legs were strapped in… Hm.

I unstrapped her tail and looked at her. "Luna, if I go too far, swish your tail." She looked at me, confused. "Look, Kat didn't give me the option of a safe word. I _had _to take it from her, and that terrified me. I'm not going to do that to you." I gently stroked her stomach. "So if you start to think I'm going too far, you swish your tail and I'll stop." She nodded.

Suddenly an idea struck me. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my ring. She saw it and opened her eyes wide and started shaking her head frantically. I pulled out the riding crop and struck her lightly on her flank. She stopped. I slipped it on her horn and watched her tail. Nothing. Well this night just got a lot more interesting.

Now, I'm an honest kind of guy. I'm not a stallion. I know I'm not a stallion. They have bigger cocks than I do. A lot bigger. There was no way in hell I could fuck Luna and please her.

_But_, I thought, looking at the toys she so thoughtfully provided,_ I'm sure I can think of something._

I started on her wings, gently caressing them. She immediately started moaning lightly. _Maybe they're more sensitive than mine… _I kept going.

I brought my fingers in hard enough to start feeling little lumps. She shivered whenever I got near a certain one. _Oh ho_. I gently fingered it. She moaned. I pressed down on it. She began to shudder. I mashed it in.

Her entire body strained against the straps as she moaned loud enough to get through the gag. I looked at her face and saw her eyes raised to the back of her head. A gentle stream of drool worked its way down from her ball gag. _Huh. Why don't I have something like that on mine?_

I looked down to see how excited she was. Her marehood was sopping wet.

I stopped caressing her wing and turned my attentions there. I waited until she stopped straining so hard before gently stroking her lips with my fingers. She was still taking quick, short breaths from whatever I had done to her wings. When I began to touch her, the moans picked up again.

Suddenly a very errant thought struck me: I'm sexually dominating a horse. Never thought my life would take me there. _At least it's a mare._

It's amazing what you think of at times like that.

I slipped a finger inside her pussy. I knew where her hotspots were, after all my unwanted experience with mares in the past. I pushed a finger to a large one and began rubbing it. When I felt her start to clench around me, I withdrew my finger.

I heard her groan behind the ballgag and her tail swished. I walked up to her head and pulled the gag up. "Stop teasing me, Nav!"

"Is this about me teasing you or me going too far?" I asked.

"Teasing me, of co—mph mmf!" I dropped the gag back into place.

"You gave _me _control over this, Luna," I said, caressing the other wing. "And you gave me all these fun little toys… Well, I think it would be a shame to let you cum without playing with some of them first. Now, unless I start _hurting _you, please don't stop me."

In my gentle caressing I found the same node I had used on the other wing. I pressed down on it and she had a repeat performance, but this time I positive she fully came: She began to gush out.

"Now Luna," I said, "Look at this mess you've made! I should make you clean it up…" She was too busy riding her orgasm to give me a look, so I just made my way over to the pile of toys. "Let's see," I mused aloud, "where are the clamps…" I heard her moan in response. "Ah, here we go!"

I picked a set of clamps that looked to be just the right size. I walked back over to Luna. "Now, if this starts to hurt, by all means let me know." I started to tighten them over the nodes on her wings. I saw her eyes widen in surprise and her tail swished. "But," I warned, "If all it does is make you feel _too _good, you can deal with it because I'm not removing them." Her tail stopped and she put her head back down, eyes closed. "Good girl. Hm… It's a shame you're the princess… I would love to use some fun little humiliation techniques Kat forced me to learn." I shuddered, but I knew she couldn't see. "Just imagine all the night guards watching their beautiful lady getting ridden by the evil human, ball gag in her mouth, strap-on forced _deep _inside her, riding crop occasionally hitting that pretty little flank…"

She was getting more and more aroused with each word. I reached over and picked up the strap-on. "Oh, you _like _that idea? Hmm… I wonder what your sister would say when she saw us like that. She might decide to _punish _you herself. Maybe use that long horn of hers to give you just what you deserve…" Without another word I shoved the strap on inside of her. She strained against the bindings again, arching her back slightly.

Her tail didn't move.

"Ah, it seems my lady of the evening likes that! Let's see how much she cares for _this_!" I began toying with her clit, leaving the strap on inside. She began straining even harder. "Oh, my pretty pony, if you could only see the mess you're making down here. I dare say your maid will have quite a fit when she sees it. I wonder if you'll let her toy with you like this to make up for it." I gave her clit a sharper twist and heard her squeal as she came again.

"You do have a dirty mind, Luna," I said, patting her flank amiably. "I wonder how far you're willing to let me take this."

After a moment, she looked up at me with those pretty cyan eyes. After a second, she nodded. She didn't know what I had in mind, and had probably never even considered it.

"Now, I have no idea if this will work or not, so if I start going too fast or you aren't getting anything out of it, by all means let me know. But I will have to start slow or I might actually hurt you. This is a human thing, so it might not even do anything but hurt. You trust me, I know, so let me try it."

She didn't respond. I slowly pulled the strap on out, teasing her clit gently while doing so. A lot of juices followed the toy out. I looked down, past her marehood._ I'm not going to use my fingers on that._ I picked up the riding crop and got it nice and wet with her plentiful juices. She moaned deliciously. "Oh come on, I haven't even gotten started yet!" Didn't stop her moans.

When I deemed it slick enough, I lowered it down to her ass. "This is where it starts to get strange," I said aloud, and gently pushed it in. She flinched but her tail didn't move. "Now, here is where my expertise starts to drift," I commented as I pushed the crop in. "I don't have too much experience with this, so forgive me if I don't do something correct."

I pushed the riding crop in a bit more before I began to twirl it slightly, trying to loosen her hole up a bit. I moved my other hand up to her clit and began teasing it a bit more. She knew what I was doing was odd, I know she could feel it.

I continued toying with her until I thought she was loose enough for something different. Leaving the riding crop in, I checked the pile of toys again. _Is that… Is that a fucking_ lash? I picked it up and looked at Luna. _What the fuck is wrong with her?_

I whipped it and cracked it down, causing her to flinch. "Luna, I don't know why the fuck you have this. But I think I can put it to a use." Its handle was thicker than the riding crop.

I gently slid the crop out while still toying with her clit. I rubbed the handle of the lash in her juices again and slowly slid it in her ass. It went in easily enough.

"Relax, Luna," I said. "Any of this starts hurting and you just swish your pretty little tail. Unless… You want it to hurt, I guess." I looked at her. She was blushing, though I don't know if that was because of my continuing teasing or if she actually _did _want it to hurt. I mean, she did give me a lash to use.

I started twirling the handle around, as I had with the crop.

With another low moan, she came again—probably from my treatment of her clit more than anything else. "You're going to need quite a bit of water, with the mess you're making down here," I remarked, still toying with her.

It didn't take long for her to relax enough that I felt comfortable with the _real _toys. I left the handle alone for a moment and reached down to pick up the strap-on. I gently pushed it all the way into her pussy, still rubbing her clit. She moaned weakly in response, more drool dripping from the gag.

"Aww, does the princess like having all of her holes stuffed?" I asked with a smile. "I'm sure your followers would love to know that you can please three of them at once!" I slowly pulled the strap-on out and yanked the lash out. Turning serious, I said, "This is where it might start to hurt. I'll go slow. Remember your tail."

I put the tip of the strap-on so that it was gently prodding her hole. With a gentle push, I popped it inside. I felt her body clench and I stopped pushing. I put one of my hands back on her pussy. "Just relax, Luna," I said, gently rubbing her again. "This will be much easier if you just relax."

I felt the tension slowly leave her body. I started pushing it in a bit more. She squirmed lightly as it entered her. When she had taken a third of the foot-long strap-on in, I stopped. "Doing okay?" I asked her. She weakly nodded. I gently started pushing again.

She was breathing deeply, and a few moans were still escaping the gag from my hand on her clit. I stopped again when the thing was most of the way in. "Still okay, Luna?" I asked. She nodded, not even looking up.

I reached down to the pile of toys again and grabbed a dildo about the same size as the strap-on already inside of her. I looked at the spreading puddle of mare juices leaking out of her. _Holy fuck, did I cause that? Neat._ I hefted the dildo and put the tip to the entrance of her pussy. I slowly inserted it, feeling her strain at the bindings once again. More moans escaped the gag.

"Music to my ears, my precious little princess," I said, slowly fucking her with the dildo. I kept up the slow pace for a few minutes, knowing it would be driving her crazy. After five minutes of that, I said, "I wish I could hear your begging right now, Luna. Wouldn't that be something? The great Princess Luna begging a human to fuck her harder. My my, what has the world come to?" I giggled. She looked up at me pleadingly. "Don't say I'm not a _kind _master."

I slowly picked up the pace, until the entire dildo was completely coated in her juices and my hands were barely able to hold onto it. I waited until she came one last time and removed it all the way. I moved to the top of the table and removed the ball gag. "Clean," I commanded, holding the dildo in front of mouth. She looked at it for all of a second before eagerly licking it. I slowly pushed it into her mouth, making her take all of it. She closed her eyes as it slid deeper into her throat. When it was fully in, I commented, "I'm impressed, Luna. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you've been practicing!" I slowly began to pull it out.

When it was fully out, a thin rivulet of spit dripped off it. I saw her staring at my pants with hunger in her eyes. "I'm afraid you won't be getting this, Luna," I said, grabbing my junk. "I'm not going to waste your time."

"I don't know, Nav," she said with a sultry voice. "We might go on and move to part two of this night…"

"Part two?" I asked, moving back to her lower half. "I thought I was in charge this night." I touched the strap-on still inside of her and she closed her eyes, biting her lower lip. I put my hand back on her clit. "If you'll tell me what you had in mind, though…" I started rubbing her again as I gently pulled the strap-on out. When it was fully out, I continued, "I might be willing to accommodate you." I threw it away from the other toys.

She smiled wickedly and pointed with her horn to her bookshelf. "Top row, in the little bag."

I walked over to it and grabbed the bag. I heard her adjusting behind me. "What's this?" I asked, opening the bag. _Stones_?

The blood drained from my face. She had my gender changing stones.

Without turning, I said, "I think I'll have to pass on this, Luna."

I heard a voice much deeper than Luna's reply, "I'm afraid that isn't an option, Navarone."

I whirled around to see a giant pony standing and slinging its head, sending something careening off into the wall. _Oh my God._ It looked slightly like Luna, but a hell of a lot more evil. Where Luna was a dark blue, this mare was completely black. And Luna's eyes definitely do not have cat irises. This pony was larger than she was, probably larger than Celestia. Her horn was longer. And was that… was that a _helmet_? This entire pony seemed to have a malevolent feeling pulsing off of it.

I backed away in fear. "Where's Luna?" I weakly asked when my back hit the book case.

She smiled. "Don't you recognize me, Nav?" she asked. "I _am _Luna. Or perhaps Luna is me. _I _am Nightmare Moon. Perhaps you've heard of me?"

I bolted to the door but didn't make a step before I wasn't moving anymore.

"Oh come now, Nav!" she mocked. "Surely you remember your agreement. You'll do anything _I _say this night. You are my toy." She used her magic to bring me closer. "And you got to play with me. Now I get to play with you. Be a good sport, would you?" She set me down.

"I didn't make any agreements with Nightmare Moon," I said. "I made my agreement with Luna."

She rolled her eyes. "You know better than that, Nav."

Fucking fuck. I hate being a man of my word. Or perhaps it's a soon-to-be-woman of my word. I started stripping out of my clothes.

"That's the spirit!" the mare in front of me said. "Now, hold up that bag."

"Luna… Are you sure about this?"

She smiled wickedly. "You promised me, Nav," she said. "And you always keep your promises."

I dropped the last bit of my clothes and held up the bag. "Where did you even get these? I thought I had them hidden!"

"You hid them at night," she answered. "I was watching. Where do you think I went yesterday while you were guarding Celestia?" She used her magic to pull the two stones out of the bag.

"If you turn me into a chick and you use any of those toys on me, you will split me open," I warned.

Her wicked smile turned soft. "You were gentle with me, my first time," she whispered as she floated the pink stone over to me. "I'll be gentle with you." The wickedness returned as the stone touched me. "Relatively gentle, at least…" I flinched as the stone touched me and I transformed. _Why did I take these fucking stones from that cavern?_

I opened my mouth to respond when her horn lit up brighter. I fell forward as my center of weight shifted and I turned into a pony—a _mare_.

I shuddered at the feeling. _Nothing like being a stallion! _I felt so much smaller than I had been as a stallion. And Luna… _Oh God!_

She changed shapes when the blue stone hit her. She was now a large stallion. A large, evil looking stallion with the tip of her cock gently protruding from its cover.

I saw that and swallowed, trying to back up until I hit the book case again. _I am not in my comfort zone anymore. _"Luna," I whispered, my voice choked with fear, "I'm really, _really _not comfortable with this…" I felt my tail begin to curl underneath me, covering my… my _marehood_. I gulped again, unable to tear my eyes away from the slowly extending dick under her.

"Navarone," she cooed, her voice much deeper, "I trusted you." She began to walk forward slowly. "Do you not trust me?" She stopped when she was right in front of me and gently raised a hoof forward. I flinched back, squeezing my eyes shut. I heard her move back a pace. "Please, Nav!" she—_he_—pleaded. "I swear I won't hurt you. I _swear _it."

I slowly forced my eyes open. Luna was looking at me with a pleading expression. In a very quiet voice, I whispered, "Don't gag me."

She—He—sagged a bit with relief. "If I do anything to hurt you, just tell me and I'll stop." _If it's any consolation, he can't last long._ I don't know why that thought hit me. I shuddered when it did.

Luna led me to the table and gently picked me up with magic and set me down on my back. I saw his legs put him at just the right height to… I closed my eyes again.

"Nav," he said, "I'm going to get started. Your legs?" I noticed they were curled above me. I slowly forced them down—I had to force them since I was pretty much completely terrified—and he used magic to loosely bind them. He did the same for my upper legs. "And your wings?" They were harder to move for some reason. I was just barely able to force them out.

Luna stopped. "Why are you shaking?" he asked, his voice confused. He probably noticed my eyes were squeezed shut. "Nav?"

I couldn't answer.

"Try to relax, Nav," Luna whispered, gently rubbing my wings with magic. I felt him hit a few spots and flinched.

"Oh, I remember what you did to me alright," he said with a smile. "But… I promised to be gentle." Luna's magic slowly caressed my fully spread wings. I felt a growing… hunger, perhaps, is the right word. When the caressing hit the nodes on my wings, I flinched back from it. I heard Luna walk to my back legs. "Relax, Nav," he said. "I know it feels good because you just did it to me and I was begging for more."

I couldn't help but whimper slightly as he began to focus more on those two nodes. "It feels _wrong_!" I finally burst out. It did. This entire situation felt fucked up, like something Kat would do to me.

He rolled his eyes and finally just mashed the nodes down. My eyes went wide at the explosion of something—_pleasure. This is what chicks feel? Holy fuck!_ I felt the magic on the nodes slowly release. As a stallion I was cursed with my circumcision. The naga was too cold to feel good. Kat terrified me too much to feel all that great. Even as scared as I was here, though, I couldn't deny that this felt… good.

"You're silent, Nav," he said with surprise. "Not a peep." I imagined a grin spreading over his face when he said this next part: "You sure did fight against those straps, though!" He patted my flank with a hoof. "Didn't do you any good, with those girly muscles you have."

I was breathing out of my mouth now, panting. _If that's what she was feeling, no_ wonder _she was wagging her tail! _"Is… Is that all you got?" I panted, still unable to open my eyes.

Luna laughed. It was an evil sound, terrifying. I decided that I needed to work on Luna's bedroom manner.

I felt the table shake. I fearfully opened my eyes. Luna was right next to my face, her front legs on the table, an evil smile plastered on her face. "The only reason I'm not impaling you right now is because I promised to be gentle," he hissed.

I felt something hit a tender spot between my legs and I let out a gentle gasp.

"Already wet?" he whispered. "My my, you must really want this after all!" He began to push lightly. I squeezed my eyes shut again, trying to brace myself. "Oh come now, I know it doesn't hurt already! Or… or does my visage frighten you?" I popped an eye open and realized from his expression that the question was rhetorical.

I flinched as he began to push further inside. I felt… I felt it in me. _Oh God this is so wrong… _He wasn't slowing down, though. I think he was fighting to keep from speeding up. "I swear to God if you get me pregnant," I muttered just loud enough to be heard.

"Shut up, you aren't in heat. I would _know _if you were." Luna is terrible at this and he was doing nothing at all to make me feel better at the situation. It was starting to feel less and less like something I was doing with a lover and more and more like another rape. So I did what I always do: Retreat into myself.

It's an odd sensation, to suddenly think of basic biological facts when you were forced into a different gender into a different animal race from your regular one while currently being strapped down and fucked on a table. Namely, that since I wasn't actually _born _with eggs, there would be no way I could become pregnant. And since Luna had only been a guy for a few minutes, there would be no physical way for her to impregnate me since she hadn't produced any sperm y—HOLY FUCK!

He just popped my cherry! I let out a loud yelp, straining to pull up away from the massive hunk of meat probing me. Luna wrapped her front legs around me while I was straining with my back arched and held me close. "It's okay," he whispered. "Just give it a minute. I know it hurts, but just give it a minute."

It didn't just hurt, it _hurt_! I bared my teeth and if I was still a human I would have been biting. As it was, I couldn't do much damage with these shitty horse molars.

I felt something brushing my wings again and I realized his magic was gently caressing the nodes again. "I'm going to start pushing again, Nav," he warned me, still holding onto me.

It was still stinging, and it started to hurt even more as he pushed further in. Intellectually I knew Luna would stop if I asked, but… Emotionally I was so abused in terms of sex that I was too afraid to speak out. If this was Kat she would love my pain and go faster because of it. If this was the naga she would just ignore me. If this was the first incident I would either be gagged or magicked into not caring.

So I just bore it, eyes clamped shut. I felt him inside of me and it hurt but I couldn't stop it. Luna was moaning lightly at that point, and I was pretty sure it was his first time doing anything as a stallion. Hell, I knew I had to be tight, and my pain was probably making me clench down more.

If nothing else, I had a release in the continuing attention on my wings. Luna's horn was still glowing lightly, pressing down on the nodes. It was the only thing about this that I liked.

With a shuddering breath, Luna stopped and looked down at me. "I don't know how you can hold this in, Nav!" he moaned. "It feels so good! I just want to speed up and ravish you!" He gasped. "Are you okay?" he asked, shaking me slightly.

I opened an eye. "It… hurts," I whispered. I saw him looking at me with concern.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked with an obvious reluctance.

_I never wanted to do this at all._ "I… I am yours, Luna," I answered, my voice weak.

"That isn't an answer, Nav," he said.

"Yes it is," I replied, my voice still shaking. "I promised to do whatever you told me. Don't ask me if I want you to stop. Either stop or keep going." I put my head back against the table and closed my eyes again. I felt Luna nuzzle me. "I'm doing this for you," I said without moving.

He sighed and continued pushing in slowly. "I want this to feel good for you," he said. "But it won't if we don't work through the pain. It'll get better. If it's any consolation, you're squeezing me just… right." He shuddered again, and began to pull out. I couldn't stop a sigh of relief even though there was still a dull ache.

"That's… that's a lot of blood," he commented. "Are you sure you're okay?" I didn't answer; what could I say? I had been a mare all of a few minutes, meaning I never had a chance to have my hymen torn. I felt him leap off the table. "You did this for me," he said. "I suppose it is fair I return the favor. Though I'm sure you've had a bit more practice…"

I picked my head up and looked down just in time to see him extend his tongue and gently lick my clit. I gasped, feeling the pleasure. It still felt wrong, but as he kept going I stopped caring. "Still silent?" he mumbled around my clit. "I'll make you moan before the night is out."

I wouldn't be particularly averse to that, at that point; his continued efforts were starting to build pleasure in my body, making me squirm. After a few minutes of Luna's efforts, I began to buck, trying to ride a cock that wasn't in me. Luna giggled at that and doubled his efforts.

Another minute later I came, sighing deeply. It was like an explosion in my mind and my entire body seemed to shudder in pleasure. _If that's what they feel, no wonder they always want sex_. I felt Luna lapping gently at the juices coming out of me. He giggled. "Didn't get a moan, but I think I like this more," he said with a sultry tone. "Tastes much better than I thought it would, that's for sure." I leaned my head back again, sighing.

A moment later I felt his legs pound back down on the table. "Let's try this again. But first…" He kissed me deeply, sharing my taste. When he broke it, he looked me in the eye. "Why are you so silent in bed?"

I turned away, unable to look at him. I felt the magic lift my head back up so I was forced to look at him or close my eyes. "Navarone?" he whispered.

"If I'm too loud she wins," I whispered, dreading the answer but knowing Luna wouldn't stop asking until she got it.

His head pulled back and I closed my eyes, fearing some manner of retribution. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.

I couldn't answer.

"Navarone, it's just you and me in here. You have nothing to fear. Tell me what's wrong."

I sighed. "Kat broke me," I finally said, opening my eyes. "The only way I could resist was with silence. She… They had Spike…"

He gazed at me with sorrow before holding me again. He held me for a while. Eventually Luna pulled away and looked me in the eyes. "Are you ready?"

I gulped. "I'll never be," I answered. I was still scared, but it wasn't as bad anymore.

I felt his tip gently tease my opening before popping in. I flinched again but he didn't stop, just kept slowly pushing it inside. It hurt less this time, but it still hurt. He didn't stop at all, just kept pushing in and out, slowly. I suppose it was much easier, now that I was wetter from cumming.

After a few thrusts, Luna's magic went back to work on my wings, gently caressing them all over instead of focusing on any one spot. I was breathing deeply, trying to focus out the pain and focus on the pleasure on my wings. Luna was breathing shallowly, close to peaking. She was occasionally letting out a moan, considerably less now than when I had been toying with her.

With a grunt, she thrust in fully in one quick motion that startled me, causing me to gasp in pain. I know she hit her climax, but nothing came out; she had nothing to give. Her shuddering body fell on top of mine.

"I'm… sorry, Nav," he panted. "I… just had to… thrust." I let my head fall lean back again. "I'll give you a bit of a break," he said, his voice slowly returning to normal as he caught his breath. He fell back off the table. After a moment, I heard him bark a laugh. "If that's what sex feels like for you, no wonder you flirt with every mare you meet." _Now that's not entir—Well, yeah._

"That's my natural response," I finally said. "I only do it because I can't tell if a mare is hot or not."

He sniffed. "Shows what you think of me," he said.

I picked my head up to look at him. "You are currently a stallion in the most terrifying pony body I have ever seen. The reason I gave in so easily at the beginning is because I was positive that if I didn't you would throw me on the table and force me anyway, until I realized you actually were Luna. And even then I was absolutely terrified the entire time. So don't you go talking about looks."

He looked hurt for a moment before looking incredibly surprised. "You would just… give in that easily?" he finally asked. "Not even try to fight back?"

I blinked. "Fighting back is reserved for instances in which it would work. If I had a hand I would tick off the assaults on my body, but I kind of don't. So far I have yet to find a situation in which fighting would have accomplished anything but pain and suffering before I got tied down and raped anyway."

His eyes flicked to my bindings and he flinched lightly. _Didn't think that one through, did you?_ "Why did you let me do that to you, Nav?" he asked as he released the straps. I could tell he was hurt from his voice.

I tried sitting up before remembering I was a pony. I flipped over instead and turned to face him. "You told me to get on the table," I finally answered, settling down in a position that calmed the ache inside me the most.

"I also told you to stop me if I hurt you!"

"The straps didn't hurt," I answered._ Not physically._

"But the rest of what I did?" he demanded.

"What you did to my wings didn't hurt," I answered.

He slammed a hoof down and I couldn't stop a flinch. "You were in pain the entire time!" he accused.

I just looked at him. I thought he had known. After a moment he sighed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes and seemed to shrink. I blinked and realized he had turned back into Luna. The pink stone flew at her from where it was resting on the floor and she changed back into a mare.

She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by a knock at the door. She swung her head so fast I thought her neck was about to break. With a bright glow of her horn, everything around me went invisible. "This isn't over," she promised me. "And don't move."

She walked over to the door and flung it open with magic. A guard stood on the other side. Before he could say anything, she said, "If the next sentence out of your mouth contains the words tax report I am sending you to the moon for a month."

The guard gaped nervously. Luna stared at him.

"I believe I requested not to be disturbed," Luna said after a moment of silence.

The guard finally closed his mouth and coughed nervously. "There's… there's a visitor here to see you, Princess Luna," he finally said. "She says she's here to report some missing cursed artifacts."

Luna blinked. "Is this a purple unicorn? Name of Twilight Sparkle?"

The guard nodded, "Yes, Princess. She is a student of Princess Celestia."

Luna ground her teeth together. "Send her to me!" she demanded, her voice tense with anger. "I'll be right here. Take a long route."

The door slammed shut before the guard could respond. Luna turned to me, glaring as I returned to view. "Does Twilight know where you hid the stones?" she asked, walking up to me.

I shrugged. "I don't think so. But she probably has some manner of detection spell to check where they are. My question is… how the fuck did she get here so fast?"

"Train rides don't take that long…" Luna muttered something else and said, "Fine. You are the one who… _broke her in,_ right?"

"She was in heat at the time, and needed release," I said. "I helped her as a friend, nothing more."

Luna smiled wickedly. "Well, now you're going to help her as my hands." The blue stone flew and hit me in the face. I flinched as I changed into a human again. "Get dressed," she told me. I did. She mused aloud, "It would be fun for her to walk in on us doing something… inappropriate. But she might alert the guard." While she was talking my ring floated up to me from where it had been thrown. "When I get her on the table you slide that over her horn." Her wicked smile got deeper. "Let's find out why Twilight Sparkle is Celestia's favorite student, shall we?"

I looked at Luna with a bit of horror. "This is rape, Luna," I said. "There are a few things that I'm willing to go back on my word for, and this is one of them."

She gave me an odd look. "You really don't know much about ponies, do you?"

I shrugged. "I spent my time learning more about pony magic and pony history than pony anatomy."

She smiled. "Trust me when I say that what we're doing won't be rape." I was starting to run very, very low on trust. "Now stay away from the table; we don't want her to bump into it when she gets here."

I went back to the bookshelf and pretended to browse the shelves. "Good, Nav," she said. "Just like this is a casual visit."

I rolled the ring in my hand nervously. I didn't know what Luna had in mind. I wasn't going to hurt Twilight, but I don't think I could stop Luna if I tried. I don't even know what she had in mind.

And my mind was still reeling from what had just happened. I still felt a dull ache even though I couldn't pinpoint where. I heard Luna say, "And we're still going to have that talk, later."

There was a knock at the door. I stared at the book case, pretending to look it over. The door slowly opened. "Come in, Twilight," Luna said.

"Thank you so much for agreeing to see me, Princess Luna!" Twilight said with her usual joy at being seen as correct in a situation. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but—Navarone?" I heard the door slowly drift closed.

I turned to face her with a nod. "Twilight," I answered.

She turned to face Luna. Instead of asking why I was there, she continued, "Some of Navarone's magic items have gone missing!"

Luna looked to me for a moment before turning back to Twilight. "Which ones, Twilight?"

"The two strange stones," she answered. "Normally I'm able to feel a small resonance when they're nearby, but that feeling was missing today for some reason. I went to check to see if they're where he usually kept them hidden but they weren't there."

Luna smiled. "You worry too much, Twilight," she said, walking closer to her. "This could have waited until morning, I think. But since you're here…" Luna was standing right alongside Twilight now. She lifted a hoof onto Twilight's back. "I think you could do with some relaxation. You're so tense! Navarone here has been helping me with some human relaxation techniques."

"You called him back from the forest to… help you relax, Princess?" Twilight asked, incredibly confused.

"Oh no," Luna said. "He came back to bring me an old friend, and Celestia ordered him to stay awhile in the city. I've been helping him with pony relaxation techniques to get his mind off the arduousness of the forest." Luna looped her front leg around Twilight's shoulder and began to slowly lead her into the room. "Do you want us to help you relax, Twilight?"

Twilight's eyes widened slightly. "I-I don't know, Princess… I really think it's important that we find those artifacts! Just imagine the trouble they could wreak!"

"Don't worry about those, Twilight," Luna purred, still leading her to the invisible table. "They're already taken care of."

"You know where they are?" Twilight asked.

"Yes," Luna answered. "Navarone has them."

Twilight seemed to sag with relief. "Wonderful! Now, I really need to get back to Ponyville, Princess," she said, trying to pull back. Luna didn't let go.

"Nonsense, Twilight!" Luna said. "You relaxed a little, but you still seem so uptight! You really should let us help you relax."

Twilight sniffed at the air a bit and began to blush. "I… I'm not certain I want to, Princess," she answered.

Luna smiled. "So uptight indeed! You are definitely one of Celestia's students; she always was such a bore. I made sure the students I had were always less tense. It always helped their mind, to relieve that much tension."

Twilight turned to me. "Navarone?" she asked, her voice somewhat frightened.

I shrugged. "I'm obeying Luna's orders," I answered. "I had to make a deal earlier to help Rarity out."

"And what do you suggest I do?" she asked after a moment of thought.

"That depends," I answered. "If you want to be sexually exhausted and thoroughly pleased—" Luna gave me a mean look at that. "—then stay here. If not, I suggest turning around and walking away." I looked at Luna and shrugged. "I told you: I'm not going to do that to her unless she's willing."

I thought Twilight was blushing before. Her entire face turned luminescent at that. She was still blushing when she finally said, "I'm in."

I blinked in surprise and Luna smiled victoriously. Twilight looked… determined. Luna turned to me. "I should let her use the blue stone to punish you for that… But I think I'll let Twilight have some fun." Her horn glowed for a moment and all of the toys reappeared, along with the table that the two of them were now standing right in front of. "Navarone is going to be taking care of you, Twilight," Luna continued. "And I'm going to be learning from him. So your pleasure can be doubled: You get to help teach somepony something, and you get to have a bit of fun yourself."

Twilight was still gaping at the sudden appearance of the table. She finally blinked and looked at Luna. "What's he going to do to me?" she asked.

Luna's horn began to glow and Twilight lifted off the floor and onto the table. "You're the third pony that's been there tonight," Luna said, her voice beginning to drip with lust. "As I'm sure you can tell from the puddles." Twilight shuddered as she was placed against the table. Straps began to tighten down around her legs. When she was in place, Luna turned to me. "Your show now, Nav," she said with a filthy little smile.

I walked up and dropped the ring on Twilight's horn. "Two choices here, Twilight," I said. "You can either pleasure Luna with that little mouth of yours or you get a ball gag."

Twilight looked up at me with confusion.

"Oh right," I remarked. "You don't know shit about sex. Ball gag it is, then." I reached down and grabbed it from its resting spot. I don't know how Luna had gotten it off of herself so quickly, but whatever.

"Nav, I'm… I'm not so sure about th—Mmf!"

I patted her cheek. "Luna wasn't either. She got over it." I looked over the toys I now had. Twilight was a lot shorter and smaller than Luna, so I was going to have to be more careful with her. She also didn't have wings I could abuse. I turned to Luna. "I don't reckon unicorns get any pleasure from their horn?"

"Nothing non-unicorns can do," she answered with a smile. "I know there are some techniques unicorns can do to each other, but I don't know any."

I shrugged. "I prefer more down-to-earth methods over magic any day." I walked around to Twilight's back legs. "Nervous, Twilight?" I didn't wait for a response, just began rubbing her pussy. She twitched when she first felt me, but settled down a bit. "If I start going too far, swish your tail for me. And _too far_ means I'm hurting you, not that it feels good." I turned to Luna as I was rubbing Twilight. "I don't suppose you know the names for any of the things down here?"

"I just know what feels good when you touch it," she answered.

I nodded slowly. "Figured as much. Damn ponies don't have any sex-ed in their schools." I snorted. "Still, I figure what you have is better than what they teach where _I _come from." Twilight was finally getting wet, and her clit began to poke out. I grabbed it and began to rub it. "What I'm rubbing right now is called the clitoris," I said. "It's probably the best feeling thing you have down there."

I proceeded to give a very detailed vaginal lesson to Luna—and Twilight, I suppose, if she was able to pay attention through the pleasure of what I was doing; she came at least twice during the lesson.

"I'm honestly surprised how little you bloody ponies know of your own sexuality," I finally said. "I know you guys have sex for pleasure, so there's no reason for you to know as little as you do!"

Twilight tried to say something but I slapped her on the flank with the riding crop. She let out a groan through the ball gag—she had been doing that a lot, and my response was always the same. I was trying to train her out of over-explaining something no one really cares about.

So instead Luna answered, "I really don't know, Nav. I… I never really had much of a chance to do stuff like this. Now what was it that you did to me earlier? With… that other hole."

"Oh, that's called anal." I explained that to her as well, using a small toy to demonstrate with Twilight. "Most girls don't really care for it, but if you're a gay guy that's pretty much all you can do unless you want to suck each other off. Any more questions?"

She shook her head.

"So now that the lesson is over, how about we really break Twilight in?"

Luna smiled. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well… I still haven't had much in the way of release tonight. I help Twilight learn how to give you some release and you turn me into a stallion so I can rut you both until you drop."

Luna looked pensive. "Do you really think you could outlast us both like that?"

Twilight tried getting my attention again and got the same response. I answered, "I'm part tree. I have a whole lot of stamina and I barely feel pleasure or pain. I help Twilight out, she helps you out, and when I wear her down I move on to you. Sound fun?" Twilight tried one more time and I finally actually hurt her when I hit her with the crop.

Luna thought for a moment. After a little while her smile deepened. "I have another deal: If you cum before we're both completely worn out, Twilight gets to take the blue stone and you get the pink one and your situations get to be swapped. The game itself is what you get if you win, I suppose." Twilight looked up from her table with a nasty look for me.

I looked at Twilight with a small smile. "Deal," I said. "Before you turn me let's get Twilight started on you." I led Luna up to Twilight's head and pulled the gag out. Twilight licked her lips nervously. "Twilight, you were paying attention when I was teaching Luna. Do with your tongue what I was doing with my fingers." She nodded, not trusting her words just then. "Show me," I said, pulling Luna so her marehood was level with Twilight's head.

After a moment, Twilight tenderly pushed out her tongue and began to give some unprofessional licks. Luna let a small gasp escape. I patted Luna on the flank as I turned back to Twilight's lower legs and began to take my clothes off. "I'm ready, Luna," I finally said. She didn't answer, just turned me into a pegasus.

I popped my neck and put my forelegs on the table. "It's a good thing I already broke you in, Twilight," I said. "I've been toyed with all night without release and I am itching to ravish something." I heard Twilight choke as she pulled her head away from Luna to look at me with horror.

She saw the evil look on my face and gulped. "Don't… don't hurt me, Nav!" she said.

"Go back to Luna and I'll think about it," I said, my smile dropping some of its evilness.

Her eyes widened and she quickly went back to pleasing Luna with her tongue.

"Good girl," I said. I looked down to aim properly. "Swish your tail or scream or something to stop me when you give up." With a gentle repositioning, I propped my stallionhood right up to Twilight's hole. With no other warning I began to fuck her. Not rough, since I'm not a dick and she was completely unable to resist, but I was going to make this mare walk funny when she was done, if she was able to stand up at all.

I lost myself in the motion of in and out, in and out. I don't know how long I was at it when I saw Luna pull away from Twilight. "Her tongue stopped working," Luna complained. She got a look at Twilight's face, covered in mare juices and drool. She was blushing heavily, her tongue stuck out and her eyes rolled up in the back of her head. "Oh, it looks like you broke her, Nav!" she said. "Keep going!"

I did. I know my legs were getting wetter and wetter as I pounded her, and I felt the pleasure in my dick slowly building, though I knew I was nowhere close to releasing just yet. With a full-body shudder, Twilight came one last time and I pulled off of her. "I think she's spent, Luna," I said. "How long have I been at her?"

"Oh, about an hour," she answered. Twilight was unable to do much of anything, I think, aside from maybe sleep.

"Unstrap her and float her to a bed, Luna," I said. "She's out for the count." I walked around and removed the ring from her horn with my mouth as Luna undid the straps. She floated Twilight over to a couch and unceremoniously dropped her.

"Now, where were we?" Luna asked pleasantly, turning to me with a dirty smile.

"I think I was just about to wear your pussy out," I answered.

Luna sniffed. "It hardly seems fair, I say: I've been toyed with all night! You only got to cum once, and that wasn't even your real gender!"

I shrugged. "Turn around, then, and let me get back to trying to cum."

She smiled. "Now that Twilight is out, we could do something a bit… different."

I answered her smile with my own. "I think I'll stick with the deal, Luna." She clipped a hoof on the floor; I think she was hoping I'd have forgotten. "Now, turn on around so I can give the good princess what she deserves."

She turned around but couldn't help getting the last word, "If you want to help the _good _princess, you'll have to wake her up."

I mounted her and bent down to her ear, "In that case, I prefer the _dirty _princess," I whispered before thrusting inside her. Thankfully, I didn't have to go at her for nearly as long as I did Twilight: She gave up about fifteen minutes in.

She bent her neck down, breathing out, "I'm done, Nav!" I sighed and gently pulled out. I _still _hadn't cum! Fucking trees, man.

"I just can't win, can I?" I asked. She turned her head to look at me. With a small glow of her horn she flipped me onto the floor and put her head to my crotch.

"This should make you happy, I think," she purred, wrapping her lips around my dick. She slowly took the entire thing in, not choking once. She looked me dead in the eyes. _That is fucking hot. I don't even care if she's a horse!_

She gave me head for five minutes, moaning slightly to ripple along my entire head. Her throat clenched me in just the right places at just the right times, even though I could barely feel it. I finally came in her mouth. Her eyes widened a bit before closing as she swallowed my seed and tried to pump me for more. I finally leaned back on the floor, satisfied.

"Still silent?" she asked when she pulled her mouth away from my dick with an audible pop. She set herself down on the floor next to me. "If this is what it takes to satisfy you, I think I'll be getting these stones each time we have sex so you can be the mare."

I sighed. "This time I was trying to make it last so I would win and because it felt really good. If we start having sex on a more regular basis, I'll probably give in easier."

She snorted. "Show-off. Rest quickly; I'll have to do my best to revive Twilight so she can revive me so I can get back to princess duties."

I raised my head enough to see Twilight on the couch, still looking pretty dead to the world. "I think she's out of it, Luna," I said, lowering my head back down. "You might just have to go about your duties leaking mare juices. I'm sure your guards will love that."

She looked at me when I said that. She did not look that amused. "About your… _comments_," she said, glaring at me. "I would _not _like Celestia's horn anywhere near my… Ugh! And if you ever tell any of my guards what we just did I'll turn you back into a mare and let them have their way with you."

I couldn't help but smile at her threats. With her voice still sounding deep and breathy like that, she sounded so cute! "And your maid?" I finally asked, still wearing a smile.

She glared at me for a moment before breaking her mood with a giggle. "She _is _pretty cute…" She turned her head back. "We really need to get up, Nav."

"You do," I answered. "I can stay here all night and you're the only one that'll miss me."

"Our original deal doesn't expire until the sun comes up," she said. "So you're mine until then. If I need to get up, you need to get up."

I sighed and got to my feet. She looked up at me in surprise. I smiled. "I have a shitload of stamina, remember? Hell, I could probably ravage your pussy again in a few minutes, if you really wanted me to."

Her eyes widened. After a moment she smiled. "I think I picked my paramour well." With a grunt she pushed herself to her feet. She looked over at Twilight. "Yes, she is much too content to be moved. I'll send her off when she wakes up later in the morning." Her horn glowed bright and I turned back into a human. I quickly grabbed my clothes; it was cold in that room without fur or clothes.

I grabbed my ring from the table when I had the clothes on. Luna finally opened a window to let some of the interesting smells out. I went into her bedroom and grabbed a blanket for Twilight; we might be leaving her on a couch, but I could at least leave her on a couch with a blanket. I threw it over her and tucked her in. Luna watched with an unreadable expression.

That done, I finally straightened my body out and stretched, popping all manner of joints. I finally turned to Luna. "Ready when you are, Luna," I said. "Though you really should take a shower to wash the smell off of you." I grabbed a bit of her still flowing mane and breathed in deep. "Smells like sex," I sighed out.

"And what's wrong with a princess having a bit of fun?" she coyly asked.

"Oh, nothing," I answered. "I quite like the smell. I just thought it was unbecoming of you."

She rolled her eyes. "This has been fun," she said. "We'll have to do it again some time." Like we just had tea. She led the way out. I followed, shaking my head.

At least she forgot the conversation we were supposed to have.

(Sex is over)

A note from your loving Discord

When Blueblood fled from the garden party, he went straight to his royal chambers, exhausted and humiliated. He stared at pictures of himself for an hour or so, tears leaking from his eyes.

When he finally gained the mental fortitude to flee his rooms again, he went straight to the throne room to talk to Celestia, to try to convince her to punish the human. He peeked inside the room first, to make sure she wasn't receiving anyone he wasn't important enough to trump.

He looked in to see Celestia giving the human a look of love behind his back, while a peasant recounted some manner of grievance, face to the floor.

Blueblood fled the throne room in horror. He sought solitude within the labyrinth.

Instead of solitude, he found Discord.

I whispered into his mind as though from a great distance, "Do you want revenge, Blueblood?"

He blinked, thinking his mind playing tricks on him. He looked around to make sure he was alone before whispering, "I would give anything to look the same…"

A gentle wind blew an old photograph past him, flitting the image it contained in and out of view. He saw it, saw part of the picture it contained, and eagerly followed. It led him to a small fountain cunningly woven into the bush-walls of the labyrinth. The picture landed face down in front of the pool of water.

Blueblood bent down to flip the photograph when his eyes brushed to the water. He froze, looking into his reflection.

It was whole, unblemished and unbroken. "Do you care so much about your looks that you would let the one who broke you go free?" I whispered into his soul.

Blueblood just continued staring.

"Do you remember what it was the human told you, that night in the tower?"

I felt his mind flick back to that night. I saw him recall what I had said: _Do you really think she would waste all that energy to send me here to babysit you? I'm not a guard, and you're in no danger here._

"You were in no danger… from anypony _else_." I felt his mind rushing as he looked into the water, past the reflection. "Why do you think he was there, Blueblood? As he said, he was not a guard. He is an agent, one who specializes in dirty tasks. What is more dirty than transporting a poison used to kill an upstart noble? You saw him around that black cat. You saw him feeling her up. It was the perfect chance to pass on any kind of package."

His mind was still trying to deny it. "But… the dog! It couldn't have been the human… He was poisoned too!"

"Yet he suffered no ill effects. And yes, the _dog_. Do you remember what happened right after you recovered?" He most certainly did. The whole changeling crisis can't be so easily forgotten, even by one as self-centered as Blueblood. "The dog vanished, Blueblood. He could very easily have been one of Celestia's agents who was relocated when his use was fulfilled. The changelings were a perfect scapegoat."

"Auntie Celestia would never… She loves me!"

"Does she? Or _did _she? Flip the picture over."

With a trembling hoof, he did so.

Depicted on it was the transformation process between Navarone's human body and Z's body, with the beginning and end result clearly shown.

Behind the shock in his mind, I felt the rage begin to grow. I continued, "Oh, he is hardly the _ideal _replacement: He's no unicorn, for example. And he doesn't have any highborn blood in him. And he's not even the same _species_, or at least not really. And he certainly doesn't have any manner of honor." I felt his mind grow a bit more enraged at each word. "In fact… Celestia must just really hate you to replace you with him… Or perhaps she just really _loves _this new human."

"Love?" I felt his shock grow a bit. Mind, I had no clue if Celestia actually did love Navarone: I decided that trying to pick through her mind would ruin the game for me.

"And she isn't the only one. Think: Who all did you see today with him?"

"_Luna_," he whispered. "He has them both in his pocket."

"And he's building more and more friends. Fancy Pants, for example, just seems to adore him. And I'm sure you remember how they all treated _you_."

He ground his teeth so hard together that some of them broke under the rot and pressure.

"Do you _just _want your looks back? Or would you prefer some manner of revenge on those that did this to you?"

"_Revenge_," he whispered, voice dripping with hate.

"And how far are you willing to go to see them suffer?" I begged, my voice growing in his mind as though I was getting closer.

"I would do anything to make that human suffer."

I filled his mind with laughter as I stepped out of the picture still at his feet. "I think you might recognize me, Blueblood," I said, keeping my voice relatively grave.

"The draconequus statue…" he whispered, flinching back from my presence. "I thought you were a myth!"

"I am quite real, I assure you." I said. "And I am very, _very _powerful." I snapped my fingers and brought forth a mirror. I held it up for him. "I can make you whole again. I can bring you revenge against Celestia and her servants. And I can give you power."

He was staring in the mirror with a disturbing sense of desire. I lowered it for a moment and pointed to the water. He looked at the mirror for a second, wishing it would snap back up, and finally contented himself with looking into the water. He gasped, seeing himself as he was: broken.

"You must choose, Blueblood," I told him. "You can stay here and be replaced and forgotten. Or you can come with me, and remake Equestria as _we _wish it to be."

He stared into the water for a long while.

Back to your regularly scheduled human abuse

"Blueblood disappeared yesterday, Navarone," Celestia told me when we met the following morning. "Right out of the palace."

"I was with Luna. I've been with at least one of the two of you since you stole me away from Rarity," I answered.

"I wasn't blaming you, Nav," she replied. "I was just commenting on it." She floated a letter over to me. "Take this to that spooky factory you told me about. Leave it where you found some of the writing you couldn't read. Deliver it sealed." I took the letter.

"I don't suppose you want me to wait for a response?"

She smiled slightly. "When you go inside, don't wear your ring. I know you don't like it, but I want to see what happens." She paused for a moment. "If I'm right, you won't be in any danger. If I'm wrong… I'll pull you out. When you put the letter down, say aloud, 'All is forgiven.'"

"Anything else?" I asked.

"Visit your friend from Ponyville before you leave. I'm sorry your short stay was so stressful, but you seem to be an absolute magnet for trouble."

"I don't suppose there will be any manner of trouble over what happened with Blueblood?" I asked, pretending to sound hopeful.

"Not from me," she answered with feigned disapproval. "But he did have a few allies in court. There will be no official discipline, but don't be too surprised if you find yourself unwelcome by a few ponies here."

"I was unwelcome by a lot of them just by being different. I suppose I might as well give them a _real _reason for it."

"Being different is something you could have overcome with time. You might have made some life-long enemies, Nav." After a second, she fixed herself, "_Their _lives, anyway. I don't suppose you have to worry about that as much."

"Truth be told, I don't really _care _what happens in this court. I take my orders from you and Luna. The rest of them can bugger off."

"I'll remember you said that, Nav. Now go on. I don't have all day to devote to watching you, and you still need to visit Rarity."

"I don't really _need _to do that…" I caught Celestia's look—it was one of _those_—and sighed. "But I suppose it might be good for her mind to know I'm okay. I'm sure our departure yesterday didn't leave her with much confidence."

"Then go tell her you're okay, Nav. I will see you again later, I suppose. At the Gala, if not before."

I left and made my way to Rarity's apartment. I found here there, pacing the floors worriedly. "Navarone, you're okay!" she yelled, throwing herself at me as soon as I stepped inside. I barely managed to stop from flying back outside.

"Aye, Rarity. Celestia decided I was too important to go too hard on. She just made me pull guard duty for several hours."

She dropped her hug immediately and said, somewhat disgusted, "_Guard duty_? I spent all night worry about you for _guard duty_!?"

"It was really, _really _boring," I tried placating her with. She sniffed and turned her back to me. "It's not my fault Celestia has a mind built for cruel and unusual punishments. Maybe worrying about me was your punishment for using me and Luna yesterday."

She turned back wearing a smile. "I'm not mad at you, Nav. Not after what you did for me. I was just… shocked, is all. Tell me, did anything happen to Blueblood after his display?"

"He apparently disappeared sometime last night," I answered. "No one knows what happened, or if anyone does they aren't saying."

She got a bit of a sad look on her face. "I know he was a stuck up self-centered jerk, but I can't help but feel sorry for him… He might have been able to change, now that he didn't have as much to be proud of."

"He was too full of hate, I think. I'm just worried about what happens now; will he want revenge against me for my part in it?"

She sighed. "Let's not talk of such matters, Nav. This is a happy time! After what you did for me yesterday, we've both been invited by Fancy Pants to everything he does in the future! There's a Wonderbolt show happening today in a few hours. I don't think you've ever seen them fly before, so this would be a wonderful thing for us to go to!"

That actually did sound kind of interesting; Rainbow Dash managed to make watching pegasi fly in circles sound interesting. "Sadly, I can't. Celestia has given me a task that I can't put off. And when I finish with that, I need to get back to the forest." She gave me her puppy dog face, which I was able to ignore. "Blame Celestia. I'm not joking when I said she asked me to take care of this quickly. The only reason I'm here is because I knew you'd still be worrying about my departure yesterday."

She sighed. "Well, thank you for putting my mind at ease, at least. I'll be sure to tell Fancy Pants that you send your regrets for not being able to attend. I'm sure he'll understand. I suppose I'll see you back in Ponyville in a few days?"

"I should be back in a week or so. This little break kind of cut into my plan of a week in and a week out. Have fun with your high society people. Oh, and you were right: Fancy Pants is actually someone worth having as a friend. The rest, I don't know."

She smiled. "I'll be sure to tell him you said that, too. Good luck in the Everfree forest, Nav. Celestia knows you'll need it…"

I made it to the abandoned factory around an hour after I left Rarity behind. It would have been sooner, but I still had to drop my armor off and I wasn't exactly sure where in the forest it was. It wasn't actually that deep into the forest, and it was closer to a swamp than the forest, but most ponies still wouldn't actually see it. I don't know why it was there or why Celestia wanted me to drop a letter off.

I landed outside the building. The doors had long since fallen in. I gently stepped inside, my steps crunching on broken glass. I had been here before, but it had been night the first time and… Well, this place gave me the creeps.

Now it was day, and I knew I had Celestia watching out for me. I skimmed through the top level, since it was empty. I took little time in getting to the doors to the cellar.

Surprisingly, they were locked. I tried pulling them to see how much give I could get: I could probably break the lock or kick them in if I had to.

I knocked and waited. After a minute, I called out, "I will stand right here for ten minutes. You can open the door and run to hide. You can open the door and talk to me. Or you can refuse to open the door. When the ten minutes are up, I will come in whether or not the door is unlocked." I made sure it was loud enough that whoever might be in there could hear me.

I would have wandered around the topside of the building some more, but now I _knew _there was someone down there: That door hadn't been locked the first time I was here. I didn't want to let them get away.

When the ten minutes was up, I tried the doors. They opened freely. I quietly pulled them open and gently stepped down the stairs into the relatively dark cellar. There was a bit of ambient light from the cellar doors I left open, and there was a bit more from cracks in the ceiling, but for the most part this place was dark. I could see just fine, with my eyes.

A small orb of light slowly formed in front of my forehead. It took me a second to realize that is where a horn would be, if I had one. "I can see fine, Celestia," I said aloud. The orb didn't disappear. With a shrug I walked forward with my new light to see what I might have missed before.

The most obvious difference was how much cleaner it looked now. It still had the abandoned look to it, but there weren't any cobwebs around nor were there many bugs. Most of them fled when they saw my light approaching.

I slowly walked to where I remembered seeing the pages with writing, making sure I could be heard the entire way. There was less broken glass and the like down here, but the floor was still wooden, making my footfalls echo throughout the cavernous cellar.

When I made it to the room with the writing, I noticed another difference: I could actually read what little of it was left. There was a letter on the table. It was addressed to Twilight Sparkle. I picked it up in somewhat shaky hands. "What the… Celestia?" I took a second to remember she couldn't actually respond. "Dim your light if you want me to take this letter." The light went so bright I could barely see. "Fine!" I dropped it. "Now stop blinding me! I still don't know what's down here." The light returned to how it was before.

I looked around for a second, not seeing anything too out of the ordinary—though without a frame of reference for what the cellar should look like, that was kind of hard to judge. There was a unicorn doll and a pallet in one corner and rotting fruit and writing supplies on the table. The entire place had an empty feeling to it.

I pulled Celestia's letter out of my pocket. I called out, "I don't know who you are, or what. This is a letter from Princess Celestia." I set it next to the letter to Twilight. "I was sent here to deliver this and a message: 'All is forgiven.'"

I paused for a long moment, to see if there would be any response. I turned to go. As soon as I turned around my hand shot for my sword and had it halfway bared for I stopped myself: When I turned, I saw what looked like a pony in my peripheral, but when I turned to face it I saw nothing. I laughed awkwardly and let my sword drop back down and set off again.

And immediately froze. I could see the pony again in my peripheral. Very slowly I turned to face it. As soon as my view got too close, it started to fade from view. "What in the fuck… Celestia, please tell me you can see this." The light flashed brighter. The pony saw that and fled back into the little side room it had been in. "Do you want me to follow it? Dim for no, bright for yes." It dimmed.

"Your call, Princess." I drew my sword just in case, and very quickly went back out the way I came. I pushed the cellar doors shut behind me and escaped the abandoned factory. "Maybe one day you'll tell me what I just did," I said to the still glowing light. It slowly faded away.


	42. Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty—Never trust a fruit from an evil forest. Also, bird people! Well, a bird person

I got back from that week of exploring feeling particularly exhausted: I had been in there for several days, and ever since I had left the factory I had felt a perpetual sense of being watched. Even more so than usual, that is. I also had a pack full of new fruits for Applejack, which I dropped off as soon as I got out.

"Thanks a lot, Nav!" Applejack said. "Now, you're sure these are all safe for ponies to eat?"

I shrugged. "I saw animals eating all of them. If something was eating them, they probably won't hurt you. As to the taste, though… Bugger all if I know." She looked at the odd fruits dubiously.

"I don't reckon you'd mind hanging around for a little bit while I taste test them, would you?"

"I don't have anything planned. Go ahead."

After a moment's hesitation, she picked out a spiny little yellow sphere. "Do I just bite into this?"

"I think so. I'm pretty sure that's what I remember seeing those squirrels doing."

She did so. Her eyes immediately started watering and she started gagging like crazy.

"That bad?" I asked.

She shook her head, trying to get control. I offered her a canteen, which she took with a nod and quickly emptied it. "Sour!" she finally breathed out. I picked the fruit up off the ground and sniffed the inside.

"Oh, it's a lemon! Or something like a lemon, at least. Odd to find a citrus fruit growing up here, but that's hardly the most odd thing I've seen in there."

She gave me a confused look before even more hesitantly going to the next fruit I had brought her. It was a large green sphere.

"Now this one you want to crack open," I told her. "I saw some birds knocking it from a tree and letting it break against the ground."

She put it down and stepped on it.

"Or you could do that, yeah." She grabbed a bit of it and took a small bite.

Her eyes lit up. "Sweet tarnations! It's a melon!" She ate her piece down to the rind.

I grabbed a bit of it and rubbed the dirt off. I tasted a piece. "Cantaloupe," I confirmed. "You start growing this stuff, you could probably make a fortune."

She scooped the seeds and the mush from the center of the melon into a bucket. "We'll see about planting some of them, then. Now, what about this one?" she asked, pulling out the third of the four fruits I brought her. This one was roughly banana shaped and pink.

"This one is a bit of a mystery to me. I saw several creatures eating them, but they all fled not long after doing so. As many things as were eating it, I know it isn't dangerous, but I'm not certain you should eat it without a doctor nearby."

"I'll be fine, Nav. The other two didn't give me any problems, other than a bit of a sour attack. Now how do I eat this?"

"Just bite into it. I thought you would need to peel it, but I'm pretty sure you don't. There is a big seed in the middle, so be careful about that. I grabbed more from fruits dropped around the main tree, in case you decided to grow them."

Without a hesitation she bit into it. She chewed for a second and then looked down at it funny. "It don't taste like anything. Like…" she stopped and slowly shifted her gaze to me. After a moment, her pupils constricted heavily, leaving the green in her eyes almost completely in control. "You smell like…"

"Applejack? Are you okay?" I asked, somewhat worried.

Before I could react she threw me to the ground and jumped on top of me. I have no idea at all how she did it. I opened my mouth to yell out but she covered it with hers. _What the fuck! Holy shit Applejack is kissing me._

I got over my surprise and pushed her away with as much force as I could give. As soon as I got her away from me I saw her face switch from euphoria to fury. She did everything she could to get my arms away from her so she could get back in at me. I started screaming for help—there are a few ponies I would be willing to risk fighting like this with; Applejack was _not _one of them. She was very strong and very tough.

Big Macintosh came running up to us just as Applejack was finally able to force herself back onto me. I knew if I wasn't wearing a belt there would be a pretty good chance he would have found us in a very different position.

He pulled her off me with no effort at all. She struggled like a wildcat. I pushed myself away from the two of them. I couldn't tell if Applejack was more concerned with breaking away from Macintosh or getting back at me. I struggled to catch my breath while he tried to get some manner of answer from her.

He had been questioning her for a minute before I finally trusted my feet again and was able to stand up. He looked to me. "I have no idea," I answered to his look. "She was eating a fruit from the Everfree forest and went rapist on me. How long do you think you can hold her?"

"I can hold her like this for hours. You are going to go find a cure so I don't have to."

I looked at Applejack's eyes. They met mine and I saw a deep-seated lust in them that scared me. "Yeah," I said, "That seems like a good idea. Zecora should know what to do. I don't suppose you could send Applebloom to get Twilight?"

"She ain't here," he said. I suppose she was in school or with her friends.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," I said, and took off. I made it to Zecora's house in fifteen minutes with what was left of the fruit in my hand.

As soon as she opened the door her eyes went to the fruit. She face-hoofed before I could even explain myself. "Yeah, thanks for that," I said. "Can you fix her?"

"One moment." She turned and went back to grab some stuff. I stood in her doorway, wishing she would hurry up. She was coming back to the door when I started hearing branches breaking behind me. I said a silent prayer and turned to face whatever it was.

Applejack came bounding out of the forest like a fucking tiger and hit me so hard that when we slammed into Zecora's house she actually broke one of my wings. We bounced off and I landed on top, despite being in intense pain. I didn't stay there long, as she quickly spun us over. She threw my arms aside and pinned them down with her front hooves. She wore the most predatory grin I have ever seen a pony have. "You're mine, now!" she growled, her face quickly coming back down to mine. Her back legs started pawing at my pants, working to get them down. I was still in shock from the pain in my wing.

Zecora calmly exited her house and saw us—not like you could miss us, after we hit her house so hard that we left a permanent indentation. She slowly pulled a pouch open and poured a bit of powder onto one of her hooves. That done, she used her other hoof to pull Applejack's head off mine and gently blew the powder into Applejack's face.

Her eyes very slowly dilated back to normal. I felt the efforts of her back legs start to slow down until they eventually stopped entirely. When she stopped moving Zecora let her head go and Applejack's entire body sagged against mine, more than doubling the weight on my now-broken wing. I pushed her off me and weakly rolled over and slowly pushed myself to a kneeling position.

"Are you okay?" Zecora finally asked, seeing one of my wings hanging at an unnatural angle.

"I can't feel my right wing," I answered. "I think it's busted." I used the wall to brace myself as I got to my feet. "What about Applejack? Is she okay?"

"She'll be fine. Just don't give anypony else that fruit."

"What _was _it?"

She grimaced slightly. "The cockatrice came from somewhere," was her answer. Naturally occurring love fruit that gave whatever ate it fertility with whatever attracted it. Nasty.

"How long will she be asleep?"

"It shouldn't be too long. She'll probably wake up a bit confused. And she might feel a… hunger, if you understand me." I shuddered slightly.

"I can't exactly carry her back…" I mused. Thankfully, I heard another bustling coming through the trees a second after. My suspicious were confirmed when Big Macintosh came trotting into view.

"She tricked me," is all he said.

"Well, she's better now," I said. We all looked at her sleeping form. "Well, better than she was. Think you can carry her back?"

"Eeyup." He gently threw her over his shoulders.

"Thanks again, Zecora," I said. "Sorry about your house…"

She waved us away and we cautiously headed back. I left the two of them at the farm and went into town. Thankfully, I ran into Rainbow Dash just on the outskirts of town, practicing some stunts or something. I sent her back to the farm. As soon as she got out of sight I couldn't help but smile, even with the pain I could still feel in my wing.

It felt good to be back.

Until I got to the library, at least. "What in Celestia's name happened to you?" Twilight gasped when she saw me. I was pretty fucked up at that point: Right wing hanging at an awkward angle, clothes torn and muddied, hair greasy and nasty, and a few bruises were probably appearing on my face.

"I found out why no one experiments with fruit from the jungle. I don't suppose you could deal with this?" I asked, pointing over my shoulder to my wing.

"I can… try, I suppose. But I have to set the bone before I can treat it." She checked the shelves for something. "Lie on the floor, will you?" She kept looking. "SPIKE!"

Spike and Taya came scurrying in from different parts of the library. Both gasped in horror upon seeing me. "What happened to you, man?" Spike asked, stopping. I was just getting into a sitting position at that point.

"I don't want to talk about it," I answered. I gently lowered myself to my stomach and wearily put my head down. Taya cantered over and laid right in front of my head, and used her magic to gently move my head to her side, giving me a pillow of sorts. "You might not want to be there when Twilight sets my wing," I told her, closing my eyes. "I might react negatively."

"I'll be fine," she whispered.

"Here it is, Twilight!" I heard Spike saying. "'A Foal's Guide to Field Dressing Basic Pegasus Wounds.' Are you sure this really applies?"

"No, but it's what we have. Now, let's see here…" She looked through it for a bit. "Spike, go find a nice thick stick." He ran off. I heard a book gently set down on a pedestal. "So Navarone, what can you tell me about that abandoned factory?" she asked me.

"It's spooky as fuck. There's a pony living there that can turn imperfectly invisible. Celestia knows this pony. And this pony seems to know you. Or it wants to know you, but Celestia doesn't want to let that happen. I don't suppose you could hurry this up, could you? The only reason I'm still able to form coherent thoughts through the pain is because it's so greatly reduced from being part tree."

"In a minute. We need to wait for Spike."

"I don't think you need to brace it if all you're going to do is set it long enough to heal it."

"Oh, no. This isn't for holding your wing in place. This is so you don't bite your tongue off when I start moving it around." Oh yeah. That. Fun. "Do you think you could lead me to the factory on foot?"

"Could I? Sure. Will I, though? Ask Celestia. She didn't want me to bring you that letter for a reason. I don't know what the reason was. But I really don't think she wants you going there." Or knowing about it.

I think she was going to respond when Spike came running back in. "Give the stick to Nav," she told him. I opened my eyes and grabbed it when he offered it. With a sigh, I slipped it into my mouth, biting down. "I'm so sorry about this, Nav…"

An excruciating half-hour later, I forced myself to my feet, spitting broken chunks of wood out of my mouth. "Next time I get hurt I'm going to Fluttershy," I muttered. Twilight fucked up several times while trying to set it.

"That probably would have been a lot smarter," Spike replied. Twilight shot us both glares.

"So what _really _happened to you, Nav?" Twilight asked.

"You two go back to doing… whatever," I told Taya and Spike. They looked at Twilight, disappointed. She nodded. They left, giving us both dark looks. When they were out of what I assumed was their earshot, I answered, "I brought Applejack a fruit that turned her into a rapist. It was unpleasant."

Twilight was understandably confused by that. "A fruit that did what now?"

"Okay, you know how the cockatrice is a mix between a chicken and a snake?" She nodded, still looking confused. "That isn't natural. I found the fruit that caused the two species to intermix." She looked at me in sudden understanding, which quickly turned to horror.

"So Applejack tried to… with… How did you escape her?" _Shows what she thinks of me._

"Big Macintosh pulled her off me. I high-tailed it to Zecora to see if she could help. She was looking for the right supplies when Applejack came sprinting out of the woods and collided with me, sending us both into the hut. That's what broke my wing. Zecora gave her something that fixed her."

"You just don't have that much luck with the mares, do you?" she asked with a small smile. Before I could answer, she got an interesting look on her face. "I don't suppose you still have any of that fruit?"

"No, I dropped it when Applejack slammed into me." I thought for half a second. "But I do have another one from the forest." I pulled the last of the four out of my pack. It was roughly pear shaped and dark orange. "Not certain I really want to risk eating it after what happened with the last one."

She pulled it out of my hand with magic and brought it over to her. After a few looks and sniffs, she tenderly took a bite out of it. I got ready to run. For some reason, I didn't even think about the ring.

The fruit dropped to the floor. Twilight's eyes went unfocused for a second before zooming in fiercely on me.

I was halfway to the door before I realized I wasn't getting anywhere and that I was a few feet above the ground.

She slowly floated me closer to her and spun me around to face her. She completely immobilized me so I couldn't hit her or say anything. I saw a little smile on her face that I remember seeing every time a pony tries to look sexy. I swallowed.

When I was right in front of her, she brought my face down to hers. After a short nuzzle, she gently whispered, "And do you know what happens now, my little human?" After a moment, she dropped me. "Got you!" _Oh thank God._ "You should have seen the look on your face!" she laughed. I just sagged against the floor. "Oh come on Nav, you know that was funny!"

"You need to work on your people skills, Twilight," I moaned, trying to work up the energy to get back off the floor again.

"Yeah, but you're the only person here anyway! The rest of us are ponies, remember?" She paused for a moment. "Blech! That fruit has a horrible aftertaste." She used magic to pull one of the canteens off of me.

_Wait a second… _"NO!" I jumped up and grabbed the canteen right before she could drink out of it, jamming my thumb in the stopper.

"Very funny, Nav," she replied. "Seriously, this tastes terrible."

"This canteen is full of poison!" Her eyes widened. "It was from one of the plants in the forest. I brought it here so you could study it." Her eyes widened even further. I pulled a canteen off the part of my body where I left water. "Use this one."

She looked at it dubiously. "Are you… sure?"

"I filled this one up at Sweet Apple Acres. It's just water." She took it and I quickly closed the poison container, sighing gently. I took all the containers full of things for her to study and set them up next to her writing area. After a moment's thought I added the fruit as well. I put all the seeds there with everything else. "Be careful of these big seeds, lass. They came from the fruit that Applejack ate."

"I'll remember that," she said, walking over. "What about the rest?" I went through them with her. The rest of that day and night was mostly science-y crap.

A few days into the week found Taya and me chilling next to a lake. Not the one with the giant squid thing in it, but a different one. I was in the lake proper, floating on my back, and she was on the edge practicing magic or something.

Twilight tried to make her stay in the library to do it, but Taya has been getting lessons from Applebloom on how to give a proper sad face. I was happy to get away from the ponies for a bit; they grate on my nerves, after so long in the relatively silent forest.

So there we were, just chilling, when I felt a shadow form over me. I cracked an eye open to see a griffin hovering right above me.

I raised an arm to wave. She looked at it for a moment and landed next to Taya. I rowed myself over to the edge and got out, water dripping from me. The griffin was talking to a noticeably nervous Taya. I reached down to my pile of clothes and picked up a knife from one of the pockets I had hidden in my shirt and began to clean my fingernails, watching the two of them talk.

"So… what is it?" the griffin asked, looking at me.

"He's a human," Taya answered. "And my dad."

The griffin looked at her like she was an idiot. Then her gaze flipped to me and saw me holding a knife. "Can he talk?"

"No, I can't" I said, looking at her. With a shrug I added, "Sorry."

She blinked. "What did yo—," she started angrily, but stopped herself with a visible effort. "What are you two doing so near Ponyville?"

"We live there," I said. "Pretty nice people—er, ponies, I guess. Sometimes a little suspicious of outsiders, but they can get over their suspicions in time."

She blushed at that for some reason. "Have you heard of any pegasus there named Rainbow Dash?" she asked.

"Yep," I said. "Blue, rainbow mane, tomboyish? Yeah, I know her." I pointed up to a cloud you could barely see from here. "She lives there, I think it is."

The griffin's eyes followed me finger and nodded. She turned back to me. "What about Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy?"

"Yep to both. Fluttershy lives a few kilometers that way," I said with a point, "And Pinkie Pie lives in town, in a gingerbread house." I saw her look. "Yeah, I wish I was joking." I shrugged. "They make pretty good desserts, though. If you want I could introduce you to them. But you'd have to give me your name first."

She blushed again. "Gilda," she said. "They… They already know me."

I nodded. "My name's Navarone. This here's Taya. You need anything, I reckon I could help with it." Taya eyed my knife and I gave her a look that said _later_.

Gilda looked into my eyes. "I… I…" She sighed and dropped her gaze. "I messed up the last time I was here. I totally lost my cool. I almost turned violent, I got so angry… Those are the three ponies I wronged, and I came here to apologize to them. I just… I didn't know how."

I shrugged. "Sounds easy enough. Let's start with Fluttershy, since she's a total pussy."

Gilda looked up at me sharply, beak gaping.

"It's true!" I said. "She's scared of just about everything. I'd rather get her out of the way first because she'll be the hardest to talk to." Her beak closed and she nodded once. "Then we'll hit Pinkie Pie, because she's usually easy to find. I've never known her to hold a grudge anyway. Rainbow Dash will be the hardest because I never have any idea where she is until I see her."

"She always was like that…" Gilda muttered. Louder, she said, "For a winged ape thing, you're pretty alright."

"Lesson one in not having to come to a town for the sole purpose of making apologies: Call people by their name, not by what you think of them as," I answered, kneeling down to pick up my shirt, socks, and shoes. "It's called impulse control." When I got back up I saw her looking away again. "Taya, do you want to come along?"

"It's always fun to watch you work, daddy," she answered.

"You've never seen me work, Taya. I kill people for a living." I turned to a very shocked Gilda. "Shall we?" She was looking considerably less enthusiastic now. "Oh, don't mind her," I said, waving my hand at Taya. "She doesn't actually like watching people get killed." I paused and turned to Taya. "Wait, do you?"

She pretended to think for a moment before shaking her head.

"Like I said! Now, let's go find Fluttershy."

Taya and I had taken a few steps before Gilda jumped to catch up. We walked in silence for a little while, until Gilda finally asked, "What do you mean, you kill things for a living?"

"I'm a royal knight," I answered, leaving it at that.

We walked in silence for a bit longer before Gilda exclaimed, "I'VE HEARD OF YOU! You were at that party at Maris! You won the tournament!"

"Yeah, that was a pretty fun party. First time I met any griffins. And it was the first time I laid a female dragon, though hopefully not the last time."

Gilda sniffed. "What, griffin females aren't good enough for you?" She blushed as soon as she realized what she implied.

I grinned at her. "While I will admit that your kind are a lot fluffier, I think that dragon was quite a bit more flexible. And her claws were mostly retractable, while you might accidentally puncture me in a particularly violent throe of passion. Also, no offense, but kissing a griffin might be a bit… awkward, I guess."

She blushed more and more at each word.

I continued, because I knew I probably offended her, "Don't get me wrong: the griffin body is a marvelous creation. But given the options, the dragon seemed a safer bet. Besides, she came to me." I shrugged. "That made it a lot easier."

We were silent for a bit longer. "Why… Why are you talking about this so… casually… in front of her?" Gilda finally asked, flicking her eyes to Taya, who wasn't really paying attention.

"Because ponies are a lot more open about stuff like that. And because Taya isn't paying attention. And because you looked like someone that was easy to tease and wouldn't mind it too much."

She looked down again. "That's what got me into this situation in the first place…"

"Well, I suppose it's good that you're building up a resistance to it," I answered. _Heh, oops_. "Still, I'll cool it. From the sound of it you've had a bit of a tough time of things. No reason for another person to make you uncomfortable."

"Thanks, Navarone," she said. "It's just…" She stopped.

"I know about having a hard life, Gilda," I said. "So does Taya. We've both done things we weren't proud of. Whatever you say we won't judge you out loud for."

"Won't judge me out loud?" she repeated. "What happened to just not judging?"

"Hey, I'm not gonna lie: I judge people all the time. But there's a very big difference between making judgments and acting on them. I'm willing to give you a fair chance despite you needing to apologize to three of my best friends. As soon as you said that I immediately judged you. But I'm still willing to give you a chance. So like I said: By all means, tell us what you want. I'll still wait and see how you act around me before I form the basis of how I'll act around you."

She nodded slowly. "You're not a pony, that's for sure."

"Well, yeah. I thought that was kind of obvious."

"You really aren't making this easy on me, are you?" she asked. I think she was starting to get angry.

I sighed. "Sorry, Gilda. I just did a long tour in the forest. My mind is on edge and I'm not thinking right. If you want I could go get Twilight; she's better at this sort of thing and she probably won't be as mean to you."

She flinched when I said Twilight. "I think that would be a bad idea…" She sighed. "Let's just say that I've been through a lot. Rainbow Dash was an old friend of mine from flight school. I came to visit her here a few years ago and made a total ass of myself. I haven't seen her since. I want to talk to her, but I know she'll be less inclined to do so if I didn't apologize to her new friends. And… Well, I felt bad about what I did. They were all dweebs, but that doesn't excuse how mean I was."

"Dweeb… That's a word I haven't heard in a long, long time."

"What's a dweeb?" Taya asked.

"A nerd," I answered. "Or rather, a person generally considered uncool. Twilight, for example, is a total and irrecoverable dweeb. The way she dances at Pinkie parties would make Gilda here seethe, I imagine."

"That's a layman's definition of a dweeb," Gilda said. "Good enough for everyday use." She sighed wistfully. "There was a time when I could tell a dweeb from a nerd at a glance, and know automatically which punishment to dole out… Now, though… Well, I've learned that it's better to accept others despite their oddities."

"Sounds like you have come a long way," I said. "And it's a good thing, too; if you were here to hurt Fluttershy I'd pluck you and put you in a gibbet in the center of town hall. I'd be more forgiving for Pinkie or Rainbow Dash, though."

She gave me a glare when I threatened to pluck her. "I'd like to see you try it."

"If I were a few years younger I would feel threatened by that. Now I just don't care. Just remember that you learned to accept others and there won't be a problem."

She nodded stiffly. Silence returned.

Taya finally giggled. "Daddy, she would tear you to pieces."

Gilda smiled.

After a moment, so did I. "Only if she got close enough," I answered.

Before I could react Gilda reached out a talon and pushed me to the ground.

"Foul!" I said, laughing. She held out her talon and helped me back up. "Alright, fine, you're fast. And those talons are pretty deadly. But give me my tools and enough time and I'd come out on top."

"Psh. You're just a sore loser," Gilda said.

"Oh no," Taya said. "He's right about that. Right now you'd tear him to pieces, but if he was fully ready for a fight you wouldn't be walking—or flying—away from it."

"At least your daughter is occasionally loyal," Gilda muttered. "So do you have any proof?" she asked.

I pulled out a dagger and bisected a small sapling ten feet away.

"That's what I can do with a knife," I said, going to retrieve it. "Imagine what I could do with my main weapons."

Taya muttered something that I could barely hear. It sounded like, "Not supposed to be carrying _any _weapons." I ignored it.

"I'm impressed, Navarone," Gilda said, looking at the dagger. "I suppose not having any dangerous body parts means you have to improvise."

I held my hand up and flexed my fingers. "Yeah, we do what we can. I think I'd rather have a dagger or a sword than talons or sharp teeth any day. They might be heavier, but if you have to you can throw them in a pinch."

She nodded after a second of thought. "Of course, if you're fast enough that shouldn't be a problem anyway."

"I'm probably never going to be faster than what shoots out of my main weapon, so that's hardly an issue."

She snorted. "You're just _slow_. Now, there's nothing really wrong with that, but still. I'd be somewhat surprised if you could keep up with me in the air at my slowest speed."

"I don't get much practice with flying," I said. "I wasn't born with these wings, so I usually prefer being on the ground."

She looked at me with surprise. After a second she shook her head and muttered, "Damn unicorns." I decided to give her that one.

It was mostly silence until we reached Fluttershy's cottage. "She lives _here_?" Gilda asked incredulously.

"Yep," I said. "She likes the nature. Bugger all if I know why she's living next to that evil forest, though. You ready?"

She sighed. "I'm not so su—" I knocked on the door.

I heard Fluttershy call something, but I couldn't tell what. I knew Gilda was glaring at me but I didn't really care.

Fluttershy's door opened. "Oh, hi Nav and Taya." She blinked when she saw Gilda. The door slowly began to close.

"Now Fluttershy, that's no way to treat guests," I said.

She closed her eyes for a second and audibly gulped before opening the door again and plastering on a terrible false smile. I face palmed.

"One of these days I am going to _have _to teach you ponies how to lie and how to wear a poker face. Good God is that pitiful!" I shook my head. "Gilda, go ahead."

Gilda stepped forward and Fluttershy flinched back. Gilda looked at her funny and moved one of her talons closer. Fluttershy leaned back. Gilda moved her talon back. Fluttershy leaned forward. Gilda did that real quickly and Fluttershy copied her perfectly. Gilda laughed and did it several times in quick secession, Fluttershy matching her perfectly with fear visible on her face.

"_Ahem_," I said.

Gilda blushed. "Oh, right… Fluttershy, I came here to apologize… for yelling at you. And scaring you. And almost attacking you. And for thinking your hair was really ugly. Although, now that I see it again, your hair hasn't ch—"

"Ahem," I said again.

Gilda blushed. "Right. Sorry. Again… I'm new at this whole…" She looked at me.

"Impulse control and apologizing," I filled in.

"Right. That." She smiled awkwardly.

"It's… It's okay, G-gilda," Fluttershy quietly said. "I understand."

Gilda breathed a sigh of relief. "That was a lot easier than I thought it would be…" she sighed. "And… I feel better already!" Before any of us could react she jumped in and pulled Fluttershy in a hug.

Fluttershy let off a really cute "Eep!" but returned the hug after a moment.

"See, Taya: This is how normal ponies deal with things," I said.

"So _that's_ why you kill people instead?"

I rolled my eyes. "That's enough of that, I think. Hugs are fun sometimes. Preferably when I'm wearing a shirt, though."

Their little hug ended. Fluttershy turned to me. "So uh… Why aren't you wearing most of your clothes, anyway?"

"I was in a lake when Gilda came by. I don't like wearing wet clothes, so I just didn't put anything on. None of you bloody ponies wear stuff, so I didn't figure it would matter."

She shrugged. "It doesn't. Just odd, is all. If you would like to stay for lunch, you can!"

I looked at Gilda who looked at me. I shrugged. "If you can eat what she has, by all means; I don't know what griffins eat."

Gilda looked inside and saw Angel glaring at her. She turned her gaze back to Fluttershy. "You're an animal caretaker, right?"

Fluttershy hesitantly nodded.

"Then I think I'll pass on lunch." There was a small pause before she blinked and added, "Thank you for the offer, though." She looked at me for affirmation and I nodded. She did a small talon pump. "Next stop: gingerbread house!"

"Um…" Fluttershy whispered. I looked at her and shook my head. "Okay."

"I suppose I'll see you later, Fluttershy," I said. "I think we have more traveling to do."

"Good luck, Gilda. And… It's good that you're doing this," Fluttershy said with a bit of a smile.

That out of the way, we turned back to the town. I slipped my shoes and socks on since I didn't feel like walking on that dirt road. I left my shirt off since it was such a nice day and because fuck the ponies, I do what I want.

"So, you're not going to get attacked by a mob when we go into town, right?" I asked.

"I… No?" Gilda answered, looking at me with a confused expression. "Ponies don't do that, do they?"

"Well, I've never seen them do it," I said. "They're… Well, they're actually mostly cowards. It's a good thing they have Celestia and magic."

Gilda looked pensive for a moment before shaking her head. "I rarely get to see magic. Is it really that powerful?"

"Taya here turned a room into a furnace once on accident back when she was just discovering her powers," I said. "I imagine she could probably destroy half of Ponyville right now if she really wanted to."

Taya looked down, blushing slightly.

Gilda looked at her with a new respect. "That would be something to see, right there. Not that I want to see it," she hastily amended.

We made it to town. I noticed we were getting quite a few stares. I wonder how many of them were for Gilda and how many of them were for my shirtless body.

"This place usually isn't too crowded," I said. "Pinkie might be in, she might not; she gets out a lot."

"Well, I remember her being pretty… noticeable," Gilda commented, looking around. "Navarone, why are they all staring at us?"

"Because I'm a sexy beast," I said flatly.

She snorted. "Right, and I'm a fluffy pony."

"Well, you are fluffy," I said. "But if you're a pony I'm pretty sure you fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way."

"If you're just going to keep calling me ugly, I can do this myself, Nav," she replied somewhat sourly.

"Hey, I never said you were ugly! I just said that griffins are dangerous looking and that if you're a pony you are a very ugly pony. I have no idea how you look."

She blinked. "What do you mean? Are you blind or something?"

"I'm a member of a different species. I have no idea how anything other than humans look in terms of attractiveness or ugliness. I can tell you that from a human standpoint, you have many traits we consider beautiful, but I don't know if you're _attractive_." Taya giggled.

Gilda was about to respond when we heard a very loud and very accusatory "_NAVARONE_!" _Oh shit_… It was Rarity.

I slowly turned, plastering a smile on my face. "Yes, Rarity?" I asked.

She was looking at my stomach with serious disapproval._ Dammit, I forgot about that!_ I checked. _Yep, still starving_. Her eyes went up to my face. I made sure to keep my best fake smile on.

Rarity marched right up to me, completely disregarding Taya and Gilda. "What did I tell you about eating?" she demanded. I opened my mouth to respond but didn't get the chance. "Why are you still so ridiculously unhealthy?" I tried again but was cut off. "You are coming with me _right now_!"

I blinked. I looked down at Gilda to see she was sniggering. I looked back up at Rarity just in time to catch her horn glowing and wrapping me in a field of magic.

"Rarity, can we talk about this?" I tried asking.

"We most certainly will talk about this! Right after you eat!" she said, dragging me off.

"Can we at least go to Sugarcube Corner? I need to talk to Pinkie Pie."

We stopped. "Yes… Those unhealthy sweets will be much better at putting something back on your horrid frame." We changed directions. "Oh, hello Gilda. What brings you back to Ponyville?"

Gilda was beginning to regain her composure after seeing me dragged away like that. "Oh, I'm just here to make amends for my behavior the last time," she said. "Nav here is helping me do that."

Rarity looked up at me. "Is that so? Huh." She paused for a moment. "Well, he can help you just as well on a full stomach."

Taya said, "Giving him a full stomach would take hours, Rarity."

"I'm right here, ladies," I said.

"Yes," Rarity replied, "But you obviously aren't able to take care of yourself, so we're going to do it for you." _Ouch_.

"That wasn't very nice, Rarity," I said.

"And it wouldn't be very nice to let you kill yourself, now would it?" she replied.

I sighed. "Then can we fucking go? You should know by now that I hate being held by magic."

She frowned at me. "Let me hold your ring and I'll let you go."

"The only place you can hold my ring is on your horn. And you threatened to beat me to death if I did that again."

Gilda asked, "What's this about a ring?"

Taya explained, "It makes him immune to magic." Gilda blinked.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Fine. Then you can be held in magic until we get there." We started off again.

"Just follow me, Gilda. I suppose we'll get there eventually. Even if Rarity is slower than I am," I said.

Rarity sniffed at that, and seemed to slow down even more.

I sighed. "Oh woe is me!" I said. "I feel the onset of starvation… I think I'm just about to… to… Blech!"

Taya giggled and Gilda smiled. Rarity rolled her eyes and sped up to a more reasonable pace.

When we got to the shop, Rarity looked at me expectantly for a moment before blinking and turning to the door. "Since Navarone is in no position to be a gentle-colt…" she muttered and opened the door, stepping inside and dragging me behind her.

Ah, the smells of the bakery. It's a wonderful place, full of good food and happy people. It would be a lot better if I wasn't being forced into a chair at a large table.

"Rarity, this is hardly very polite," I said. Mrs. Cake behind the counter was looking at our little group with confusion: A griffin that apparently caused quite a stir a few years ago, a little unicorn filly, a half-naked starved human, and a very haughty looking Rarity to complete it.

Rarity rolled her eyes. "We've been over this, Nav," she answered, walking up to the counter. She dropped some coins on the table. "Something to put some meat on his bones," she told Mrs. Cake while pointing to me. "And do you know if Pinkie Pie is in?"

Mrs. Cake looked at Gilda with a worried expression, biting her lip slightly. "She's… upstairs." She visibly relaxed when I nodded at her. I don't know what it is, but some ponies seem reassured by my presence and my favor nowadays. Not all of them, not by a long shot, but the ones in Ponyville that know of me tend to be. Bugger all if I know why.

Rarity turned back to our group and walked over. Gilda had claimed a chair to my right. Rarity claimed the one to my left. "Taya, would you mind going to get Pinkie?" she asked.

Taya looked up to me and I nodded. "Second room on the left, I believe," I told her.

Taya walked off and Gilda sniggered at my knowledge. "And you said you don't find other races attractive," she said with a smile.

I shrugged. "I spent a few weeks as a pony because of a magical accident. I don't know if they look attractive but they sure thought I did." I gave Rarity a short glare. "It led to a lot of shenanigans."

Rarity giggled. "Oh come on Nav! You know I look fabulous."

"Rarity, you're currently naked," I said. "Reserve that word for when you're showing off some ridiculous outfit." She sniffed at that but was saved from replying by the arrival of food.

"Eat, Nav," she told me.

"Oh come on, Gilda missed lunch!" I said. "You can't expect me to eat all of this myself." And it was quite a lot to eat, at that. Cupcakes, pie, cookies, chocolate milk. All manner of other things. "Seriously how much did this cost?"

Rarity waved a hoof at me. "Cost doesn't mean anything when it comes to your health, Nav. Besides, you don't even know how much money I took from the pile back when you forced us to take money from you." Gilda spit out cookie crumbs at that but Rarity kept going. "For all you know, this is just me paying you back."

"Yeah, but forcing you to take money from that pile was my way of paying all of you back for everything you were all too proud to accept repayment for."

Rarity growled slight. "If you don't start eating, I'm going to start shoving stuff down your throat."

"Sadist…" I muttered while grabbing a cookie.

Gilda was staring at me. I took a bite and stared right back.

"You… you reverse mugged her?" she finally croaked. "And she's mad at you for it?"

"Yes," I answered. Swallowing, I continued, "Now you know why I found a dragon at that party instead of a mare; they're crazy."

"That isn't the sound of chewing, Navarone!" Rarity said, glaring daggers at me. I sighed and took another bite.

"See?" I said while chewing. "Total slave drivers. S'what comes from being ruled by two princesses."

Gilda was smiling again and Rarity was still glaring at me when Pinkie came down the stairs, followed by Taya.

"Thank God you're here, Pinkie!" I exclaimed. "Rarity is forcing me to do something terrible!"

Pinkie looked at me. Then she looked at Gilda. Then she looked at Rarity. Her eyes finally settled back on me. "And what is she forcing you to do?"

"Eat!" I moaned, waving a hand at the full table.

Pinkie Pie blinked. She shook her head and sighed. "This is a new low for you, Rarity," she finally said. "I mean, that one time when he was a pony—now _that _was bad. But this? Truly horrendous. You ought to be ashamed."

I nodded my head and Rarity looked at her with disappointment.

Pinkie put on a massive smile. "I mean, you didn't even invite me this time!" She bounced over to the table and sat across from me.

"Traitor…" I muttered while taking another bite. Rarity beamed at Pinkie and then gave me an even more menacing glare.

Gilda was staring at Pinkie. I saw that Taya joined the table some time during Pinkie's little spiel, pulling a chair up with magic.

Pinkie Pie pushed cupcakes in front of all four of us. "You all need to eat," she said. "I made these myself!"

I looked down at mine. "Is it Rainbow Dash flavored?" I asked. It was colored like her, that's for sure: Blue cupcake with rainbow colored icing.

"Oh no," Pinkie said, "These aren't nearly as sweet as she is!"

We all blinked at that. _I don't want to know and I'm not going to ask._

Rarity opened her mouth to say something but thought better of it and instead grabbed something off the full table.

It was a relatively pleasant—and incredibly unhealthy—lunch. Like, even the most lenient grandmother would be ashamed to be seen giving what we ate to their grandkids.

It was awesome.

When the table was empty, Pinkie finally broached the subject at hand: "So Gilda, what brings you back to town?"

Cue the awkward silence.

It wasn't so much the topic that made it awkward as it was how she said it: Completely innocent, like nothing had even happened. It was Pinkie Pie at her best. And creepiest. There are times I think she has what people think the memory of a goldfish is, and if she wasn't occasionally disturbingly serious I would think that all the time.

Gilda looked to me. I nodded. She turned to Pinkie. "I'm back in town to apologize for the things I did the last time I was here," she said.

We all looked at her for a moment. "And?" I finally said.

She blinked. "I'm sorry for what I did, Pinkie," she said. "I was… being selfish, I suppose. And kind of a jerk. And a few other words that describe things that are bad." _Now _that _is something_ I_ would say._

Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and nodded superciliously. "Yes you were. All of the above." She opened her eyes and beamed wide. "And I forgive you!" She somehow reached her legs around all of us and pulled us in close for a group hug.

No, I don't know how.

I know it doesn't make sense. I know it isn't physically possible.

Things don't have to be physically possible for Pinkie Pie to do them.

When she finally let us go I turned to Gilda. "You really _are _fluffy!" I commented. I was pulled into her during the hug and she ruffled her feathers a few time, rubbing them quite nicely against my chest.

She blinked. "Yeah, well… Don't get used to it," she said, blushing slightly.

Pinkie and Rarity giggled at her discomfort. Rarity said, "Don't worry about it, Gilda: He flirts with everypony. Or rather, every mare."

"That's just because I can't tell which of you is ugly," I replied with a smile.

Rarity smacked me with magic. "That's for all three of us," she said with a sniff. Pinkie Pie and Gilda nodded in agreement.

I turned to Taya. "They're teaming up on me! Are you going to just let your father take all this abuse?"

She pretended to think about it for a moment before nodding. "I'm sure that whatever they're doing to you, you deserve it."

The three ladies smiled even wider.

"Can't even trust family any more…" I muttered. "Fine! I can see when I'm not wanted!" I stood, only to be forced back down by magic.

"Who said anything about not wanting you, dear?" Rarity asked with a disturbing smile.

Pinkie mimicked that smile. "I think we've already made our desires clear, Nav," she said.

Gilda put on her own smile and ran a talon lightly down my chest. "I think I could show you that griffins don't always have to be dangerous…"

I knew what they were trying to do and I knew what the proper response was: Acting incredibly flustered.

So instead I put on my suave grin, throwing the ball back into my court. "Ladies, please! If we are going to continue this discussion, I'm going to have to ask that we let Taya cover her ears." _Come on, bail me out_! Without a word Taya held her ears down with her hooves. _Traitor_! I kept my smile on. "Now, there's a nice, empty room just upstairs for any of the three of you willing to own up to your words."

They looked at each other. They looked back to me. _Oh shit, what have I done_? I just kept that same smile on.

Rarity finally rolled her eyes. "You win this round, Nav," she said. "But only because I have a big order I need to work on!" She stood and waltzed out, shaking her rump more than strictly necessary.

Pinkie shared a look with Gilda. That look turned into a smile.

_We're about to find out what happens when an idiot plays chicken with an insane mare and a proud predator._

Pinkie bent down to Taya and whispered something in her ear. Taya said, "See you later, daddy!" and left me behind.

Pinkie Pie bent back up. "Nav, you uh… You might want to take off your pants."

_I hate being a man of my word_. "In the middle of the shop?" I asked. "We should probably go upstairs first." Two chairs pushed out. Pinkie and Gilda stood. I closed my eyes for a moment. I stood up, still wearing that little smile. _Welp, this could have gone better._

(Clop is coming. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f Sex is over)

Gilda and Pinkie—chapter forty

Pinkie Pie was wearing a grin I want to describe as predatory, but that seems wrong for an herbivore.

Mrs. Cake was glaring at us. "If you're going to be doing what I think you're going to be doing, you better get out of my sight before I rethink letting you go." She shifted her eyes to Pinkie. "I really need to stop letting you do this, Pinkie…" She shook her head and went to a back room just long enough for us to clear out of the main shop and head up the stairs.

"Coming, Gilda?" Pinkie called as she and I were heading up the stairs. _Why am I doing this?_

Gilda blinked and shook her head. "Yeah, sure…" She started up the stairs behind us, her talons clicking on the wooden floor.

When we got to Pinkie's room, I noticed again how… pink… it was. _No shit, Sherlock_. Gilda looked around, unimpressed. _Seriously, what the fuck am I thinking?_

Pinkie spoke up, "Normally I would say we take turns, but the best way to forgive somepony is to befriend them, and friends always share!"

We were looking at her like she was a retard.

"Pinkie," I said, "Unless you know a lot more about sex than most of the ponies I've bedded before… Actually, never mind. You probably do." I shook my head slipped my pants off before lying on the bed. _Maybe they'll back down._

"Guests first!" Pinkie said, waving at me with a smile.

_When Pinkie woke up this morning, I bet she fully, 100% expected this to happen._

Gilda looked at me with growing interest. I started thinking about some of the things I've done in the past and I began growing. It didn't take me long to get fully hard. Gilda whistled a bit. "I've never fucked a monkey before," she admitted. "I guess there's a first time for everything… Assuming you can keep up, that is." She began to move toward me with a gleam in her eyes.

I suppose I should point this out, to anyone not familiar with griffin physiology: Male griffins have a dick about the size of my thumb. That's why Gilda was larger than Pinkie but more able to actually accommodate my size.

"Before we get started," I said, "I feel I should warn you: I can keep going for hours." Pinkie's smile grew even wider. "I ran afoul of a magical curse that gave me some insane stamina and a strong immunity to pain and pleasure. And a few other talents, but those aren't important."

Gilda's smile turned evil. "We'll see about that, Nav. It's a good thing you're letting me be on top, because I'm going to ride you like a pogo stick!"

_How does she know what a pogo stick is?_ She pounced on me. "Luckily for you, Pinkie, I actually _do _know how to share," she said as she straddled me. "Come on over." Pinkie trotted over, still grinning. "I think Nav knows what he's in for…"

I did indeed. _Well, tongue, you've gotten me through stranger_. Gilda casually picked Pinkie up and placed her on my upper body, facing Gilda. _Glad I didn't have to fight her after all, if she's that strong!_

"Now, let's rock this stud's world, shall we?"

Pinkie giggled, and lowered herself to my face. _So _this _is what happens when no one is willing to lose in a game of chicken._ I gently extended my tongue and slurped at her pussy. Pinkie let out a small gasp. I felt a warm feeling envelope my manhood. I shuddered lightly and gave Pinkie another long lick.

She giggled. "Been a little while since I had anypony doing _this _to me," she said, her voice melting with lust. I moved my tongue forward and took a little nip at her clit. She shuddered. I nuzzled her clit a bit with my tongue and managed to get it between my lips, toying with it. I noticed how _sweet _Pinkie Pie was, her honeypot actually reminding me of honey.

At the same time, I felt Gilda slowly bobbing up and down on me. I tried to thrust to match paces with her, but this was my first double team and I was somewhat inexperienced with that kind of multitasking; I knew it was either full attention on Pinkie or full attention on Gilda, and either way the performance of the other would suffer.

In the end I settled on Pinkie, since Gilda could still ride me without my participation. I kept the attention on Pinkie going. I heard her moans building up, and I was kind of hoping it was a slow day for the Cakes so no one heard us.

My mind was a bit out there so it was a surprise when Pinkie exploded in my face, plastering my unshaven beard to my skin with her mare juices. I kept licking, trying to down the juices as they came. _Holy shit, this is like drinking sugar water!_ I went at her with renewed vigor, now that I knew how she would taste. I guess Twilight wasn't wrong all those years ago when she said Pinkie Pie would be the sweetest of them.

I couldn't stifle a giggle at the thought of Twilight servicing Pinkie as I was now. Pinkie moaned deeper when she felt the giggle.

Gilda, though, misinterpreted it. "You laughing at us, Nav?" she asked. "Think we're toying with you?" I felt two talons on my stomach as she lifted herself and slammed back down on me. She kept that pace up for a while, giving me no small amount of pleasure.

But I meant what I said: I could keep going for _hours_. It sucks, honestly, not feeling things as I should be able to.

I kept going on Pinkie, dragging my tongue across and into her folds, doing my best to reach what I could with my pony tongue. Pinkie was grinding my face, trying to force as much out of me as she could get. With a frustrated groan, she mewled, "Switch places!"

Gilda and I had time to feel confused before Gilda was pulled off me mid-pump and somehow Pinkie found herself dick-deep on me. Gilda was now straddling my face, giving me an unexpected nose full of fur.

"W-what just happened?" Gilda asked, sounding as confused as I felt. I was trying my best not to sneeze and just barely managed to succeed. The sensations Pinkie was now causing helped with that, I'm sure. It felt like she was a freaking jackhammer, as fast as she was bouncing. "Well, don't look a gift pony in the mouth," Gilda sighed. "Get to work, Nav." I felt her talons settle on my chest.

I don't know why Pinkie was bothering, but she was getting something out of it, the way she was going. I spread my wings, hoping Gilda would get the hint as I started tasting griffin. _Not _too _bad, but I think I preferred Pinkie_. I kept going at it, regardless. One interesting thing I've noticed is that all females seem to have the same general layout.

As it turns out, griffins can't moan. She let out a chirping noise that actually slowed Pinkie down from her jackhammering, which I was quite thankful for. Me, I like it slow and steady. It gives my numbed organ a chance to actually feel.

And it gave Pinkie a chance to notice my wings. She giggled. "I think he wants you to—oooh, yeah—rub his wings!"

"What would that do?" Gilda asked, beginning to grind into me. I took the hint and worked her clit a bit and she sighed out.

"Silly, wings are super sensi—Oh Celestia yes!" She hilted one last time and began grinding as she came yet again. I felt her walls ripple and convulse around me, getting me to sigh out against Gilda's tender spots, making her shudder in desire and start grinding yet again. _Two for none. Let's get Gilda, shall we?_

I went at her with a renewed vigor and she rewarded me with slowly dragging her talons across my wings. I felt my feathers ruffle as her talons hit some pleasure nodes. She felt that and began focusing on those areas until she had the spots narrowed down.

Pinkie was doing something strange to my member. I couldn't exactly see what she was doing with a griffin in my way, but I know it felt good. It wasn't until Gilda spoke up that I found out what she was doing. "I don't know why you're cleaning it off. If he's still good to go it'll be getting wet again in just a sec—" I attacked her clit mid-word to see what would happen and she let off a squawk that made me _really _hope the Cakes didn't have any customers. I felt my face get coated as her body tensed and her talons poked harshly at the nodes on my wings. I gave an involuntary thrust, which apparently forced me deeper down Pinkie's throat.

I felt a moan resonating in Pinkie's mouth, giving me a wonderful sensation across my manhood. I may not like Pinkie, but at least she knows how to suck a cock.

I could keep going for hours, but since they both got their fun I focused mostly on my pleasure, just raking my tongue across Gilda's snatch slowly.

I was really getting into it when the door opened and in walked Mr. Cake. "Pinkie, can you keep it d—Oh sweet Celestia what!" I felt and heard Pinkie pulling off of me with a loud pop.

"Oh uh… hi Mr. Cake. I was just… Buck it, there's no way to sugarcoat this. I'm rutting a friend with a friend. Can you go away now?"

"Pinkie, this is not a brothel! You can't just… We have customers, for Celestia's sake! Get those two out of here! Pinkie, you and I need to have a talk."

"Hey!" Gilda exclaimed. "You can't just make us leave!"

"It's his shop," I said. "He kind of can. But, like, can you wait a few minutes? I was sooo close!"

His left eye twitched.

When Gilda and I picked ourselves up from the heap outside Sugarcube Corner's front door, we shared a look. "Well, let's go find someplace private," she sighed. "Might as well finish this."

"Oh thank God, I thought you were going to leave me hanging." Thankfully, I had time to put on my pants before we were cast out. "Lake?"

She shrugged. "Sure, why not. Last one there gets to be the bottom." She shot her wings out and jumped into the air. I was following her before what she said really registered. _Oh, it's so on!_

I shot ahead of her for all of about three seconds before she left me in the air. She was at the lake half a minute ahead of me, mocking me the whole way.

"These wings aren't made for speed," I said as I tucked them in. "I can't fly fast."

"Sounds like whining to me. Shall we?" I sighed and found a relatively comfortable spot on the ground. I was able to get hard easily enough. "Now then, where were we?"

"We were fucking. Now can you please get on me? Blueballs fucking suck."

"Don't look blue to me," she whispered, positioning herself on top of me. With a gentle sigh she lowered herself down. "Much better, having you _all _to myself." I felt my wings slowly stretch out as she took a nice, slow pace. She took her talons off my stomach and leaned over to run them across my wings. She grinned darkly as she gently prodded at the nodes, making me shudder in desire. "I want you to beg for release."

The slow and steady pace she was going was getting to me, admittedly, but she was still tender from before. She was already panting. I grinned, knowing I could outlast her even now. She took that grin for the challenge it was and started picking up speed, thinking it would increase my pleasure. The pinpricks her talons were giving me increased as she pressed down harder, making my wings go completely stiff. I grunted as she gave one hard pump, going down to the base and grinding.

With an avian screech, she came yet again. Her convulsions slammed her talons down onto my wings, increasing the pleasure so much it was nearly pain. I felt my back arching a bit as she continued trying to milk my manhood. A minute passed like that, my pleasure going tenfold and hers still showing. I felt myself so close to release I could almost taste it.

And then we heard voices. "Hey, get offa Nav!" Sweetie Belle's adorable voice called.

"You're hurting him!" Scootaloo yelled.

"Don't make me go get mah brother!"

I knew God had forsaken me. And here was my proof.

Gilda tore her eyes away from me and looked up at the girls. "Go away. This isn't… any of your… business," she panted.

"It is if you're hurting our friend," Applebloom said, running up to my side. The others followed.

"She's not… hurting me… Go away!"

"Then why are you panting in pain?" Scootaloo asked.

"That's not… pain," Gilda answered, still weary.

"Then why's his face all scrunched up like that!" Sweetie Belle demanded.

"Adult… reasons," I said. "Go away, dammit!" I feel that I should mention that Gilda was still on top of me, with me inside of her. I don't know how these girls were this innocent, unless they were just doing this to make me suffer.

"Not until you tell us what you're doing and why you look like you're hurt," Scootaloo said.

"I'm not… giving you that talk," I said. I looked up to Gilda. "None of them can fly well. Shall we skedaddle?"

She sighed. "I'm not stopping next time. Don't care who finds us." She wrapped her talons around my body and used her powerful hind legs to push us into the air without letting the girls see anything. I just barely managed to grab my pants before we took off. We heard their shouts as they tried to catch up. Scootaloo could barely fly, so we didn't have to worry about much. I slid my pants on as we were flying, not even bothering with the belt.

"If they're here, the schoolhouse is empty," I shouted above the passing air. She let me go, letting me fly on my own. I led the way there. Thankfully, the school was empty and unlocked. We casually threw desks aside before she threw me on the floor and jumped back on me. I was still hard from our previous interruption, so we didn't have to waste any time. She just got going right away.

"This little town is getting on my—hng—nerves."

I agreed, but I didn't trust myself to talk. I was seeing spots, I was so closed to fucking cumming. Orgasm denial is not my fetish, but by God this was going to be a big one. She had her talons on my wings again and everything was finally going perfectly.

Just as I finally got my release the door opened. "What's that so—" Big Mac walked in. He saw me finally climaxing, pumping my seed into a griffin that was wearing her own o-face and screeching like a damn eagle. "Nope." I heard the door slam shut and a female asking some kind of question. The "Nope"s got louder and louder as he pulled her away, trying to drown out the avian screech.

_Well,_ I thought as I finally rode down the waves of one of my most intense orgasms, _at least Big Mac got himself a lady._

"As fun as that was," Gilda said, finally pulling herself off me, "I don't think I want to try that in public again. Next time we can just go to the evil forest or something."

"Agreed," I sighed.

(Sex is over)

A while later, I was leading Gilda back to the library. "And we'll never speak of this again," I said right as we got there.

"If you say so, Nav," she smirked. "I, for one, thought it was quite enjoyable. And I know Pinkie agreed, if her m—"

"That's enough of that," I said, opening the door. "Twilight," I called, "Do you know where Rainbow is?"

Twilight came out of one of the side wings of the library and saw half-dressed. Then she saw Gilda and gasped. "Nav… did you… With…"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to form complete sentences, Twilight," I said. "I don't speak broken English."

"What's English?" Gilda asked.

"The language we're speaking," I said. "It's called English in my world."

"Huh. That's convenient."

"Nav, why are you mostly naked?" Twilight finally managed to ask.

"Because reasons, Twilight," I answered. "Now do you know where Rainbow Dash is?"

She gave me a womanly look. "I'll tell you when you tell me why you're so undressed. And when you tell me why Gilda is in town."

"She's here to make amends," I said. "As for me being mostly naked, well…" I shrugged.

Gilda rolled her eyes. "He wanted a booty call," she said, slapping my ass.

I was blushing about as fiercely at that as Twilight was, but I had a better reason. "Well Twilight, there you go. Now can you answer my question?"

She looked up. "Just so I'm sure… what's a booty call?"

I opened my mouth to answer but Gilda beat me to it: "Free sex with no strings attached," she answered.

I waved a hand. "There you go. Now can you help us or not?"

Twilight muttered something that I'm sure was mean, but I didn't listen. She finally got over it. "Nav, we're going to have a talk when you get back," she promised.

"Yeah, I know I'm a bad father. Yes, I know I left Taya while I had sex. I told you all that I'd be a terrible father, so you don't need to let me know I'm living up to it. Now, we need to find Rainbow Dash. I don't suppose you know where she is?"

If Twilight was a human she would be rubbing her temple right now. She finally said, "Put a shirt on," and stormed off to the next floor and presumably her room.

"What's eating her?" Gilda asked as I walked to the door.

"She's clingy," I answered.

"Wait, you two aren't… dating, are you?"

"Oh God no," I said. "That would be a match made in hell. Now let's go find Rainbow Dash."

Gilda looked me up and down. "Do you want to put a shirt on first?"

"Eh… Nah. It's warm outside. The only thing that keeps me from freeballin' is that I don't have any cover down there." I stepped outside and she followed.

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Nav. Let's go get this last one over with. And trust me when I say there won't be a repeat performance with Dashie; she's… not like that."

"Yeah, I know," I said.

"She's finally opened up?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. Not any of my business."

She slowly nodded. "Not any of mine, either."

"She lives in a floating house somewhere around town. It's a pretty big place, hard to miss. We'll check there first."

We walked in silence for a spell. I think the only time I had actually seen Rainbow Dash at home was when she kidnapped me that one time, so I really wasn't expecting her to be there.

So it came as no surprise when she wasn't. I turned to Gilda with a shrug. "I almost never see her here anyway," I said. "When she's not working, she occasionally helps Applejack down at the farm. If we don't find her there we can ask around, I guess. Just keep an eye to the sky since she's usually flying."

We started off to the farm in silence again.

I would like to take a moment to describe silence. It is a beautiful instrument, and can be used to express any emotion that it's possible to feel. Two lovers can hold each other in silence, their love expressed in the simple act of holding each other. Two enemies can glare at each other in silence and express their hate in the simple act of staring. Two friends can share a moment in silence, knowing nothing needs to be said since they are so close.

And two people that just met, barely know each other, decided offhand to have sex, and decided to still hang out for a while can share a special kind of silence: The semi-awkward one.

That silence is my least favorite. So I suppose you can understand why I was happy when she asked, "So why are you helping me, anyway?"

I stopped being happy she asked after I thought about it.

"Because you asked for help," I answered after a moment.

"You said you were a royal knight, though. I expect that means you're often busy. And you said you just got done with a tour in the Everfree forest, which I remember as being a terrible place. So you're taking time out of your off day to help a griffin you don't know do something she has no experience with involving some of your best friends."

"All of that is true," I replied. "What of it?"

"Why? Why are you being so nice?"

The silence returned. After a moment I shrugged. "You looked like you needed the help more than I needed time off," I finally said.

Our silence was less awkward after that.

We made it to the farm in pretty good time. Gilda was huffing a bit, though; I don't think she was used to walking so much. When we finally crested the last hill before the farm, she asked, "So why aren't we flying?"

"Because we're there," I answered, pointing to the fields of apple trees and whatnot.

She looked at the winding road leading up to the main entrance. Her gaze followed the very short fence all the way up to us. She ended by looking at me.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine." We stretched our wings and flew to the farmhouse. I landed lightly and she landed with a small thud. I went up to knock on the door.

Nothing.

I turned and shrugged. "Granny Smith might be here, but if she is she might not have heard the door. We can search the fields; they might be out there somewhere."

Gilda looked around. "There's an orange pony a kilometer that way," she said, pointing.

I looked and couldn't see a thing through the trees. "If you say so. Good a place as any to start looking." Hey, I'm not about to question someone with literal eagle eyes when they say they see something.

I started heading out that way. Gilda cleared her throat loudly and spread her wings when I turned to face her. "I told you I wasn't born with these," I said, stretching mine as well. We took off again.

It was a short hop to where we were going, and I think we scared Applejack when we got there. She was lost in her own world, kicking the shit out of trees to make apples fall. We kind of fell out of the sky right next to her.

"Hey AJ, do you know where Rainbow Dash is?" I asked.

She jumped. "Where did y'all come from?" she asked, blinking.

"Well you see, when a woman and a man really love each other," I started.

"Or get really drunk," Gilda interjected. It didn't occur to me at the time to ask her how she knew about being drunk.

"They have sex," I said.

"And it's usually pretty fun, unless the guy is terrible at it."

"Or the girl is being a hormonal bitch."

"Anyway, if they're idiots and don't use protection, the dude drops a little something in the girl," she said.

"And that impregnates her. Nine months later, you get a baby!" I finished.

"Or a clutch of eggs," Gilda added.

Applejack was looking at us like she just wanted to give up on life.

"So anyway," I said, "Do you know where Rainbow Dash is?"

She looked suspiciously at Gilda. "Why do you wanna know?"

"I found an old friend of hers that wants to talk," I said. "And it's hard to talk to someone when you can't find them. Also… why are you bucking an apple tree in May? Can you really get apples from it right now?"

"Gotta stay in practice," she answered. "As for Rainbow Dash, I don't know if I should tell y'all. Last I remember of _her_," she said with a motion to Gilda, "she was getting told off by Rainbow Dash herself."

Gilda looked down. "I just wanted to apologize," she said to the dirt.

Applejack looked up at me. "Is that true, sugarcube?"

I shrugged. "She already apologized to Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. She went all out with Pinkie's apology, too. We probably would have been here a few hours earlier if she hadn't."

"Do I wanna know?"

I looked at Gilda, who was still intently studying the dirt. "Probably not," I finally said. "So, do you know where she is?"

She pointed up. Rainbow Dash was sleeping in the tree.

"First, how did we not notice her? Second, how do you not wake her up by kicking that thing? And third, what happens if you knock her down?"

"Can't answer the first two," Applejack said. "But I know if I make the third one come true, I get my prize." She gave off a wide grin. _Nope nope nope, don't want to know._

"Hey Gilda," I said. She looked up at me. I pointed at Rainbow Dash. "Found her." Her gaze followed my finger.

She suddenly looked nervous. "This is going to be the hardest one all day," she sighed. She turned her gaze to the open sky. "It's not too late for me to just leave…" she muttered.

"You've made it this far," I said. "Why not finish this?"

She sighed and I knew she was about to spin a sob story when Applejack rolled her eyes and kicked the tree one last time. Rainbow Dash tumbled out of the tree and landed on me.

"Damn ponies," I muttered. "Why are they so heavy?"

"Whuzat?" Rainbow Dash yelled, leaning up and looking around. "Oh, hi Nav! You're pretty soft." She looked around some more and saw Gilda. She didn't say anything out of either shock or anger; I couldn't tell because she was currently sitting on me.

"Uh, hi Rainbow Dash," Gilda finally said.

"What are _you _doing here?" Rainbow Dash asked testily. _Yeah, don't even consider getting off of me._

"I wanted to… to apologize," she said. "I was being incredibly selfish the last time I was here. I went through some stuff afterwards and well… It made me rethink some things." _The sooner you get her off me the better._ I didn't want to interrupt their moment, though.

"I don't know," Rainbow said. "You were really mean to some of my friends. And I remember you threatening them."

"I made up for it!" she said. "You can ask him!" She pointed at me.

Rainbow Dash looked down. "Nav, what are you doing down there?"

"You fucking landed on me," I answered.

"Oh yeah. Well, did she make it up to them?"

"Yes. Now can you get off me?"

"How did she make it up to them?"

"She gave Fluttershy a hug. You probably don't want to know what we did with Pinkie."

Rainbow Dash blinked. "You know, you're probably right. Pinkie always was a strange pony." She looked back up to Gilda. _Dammit, get off me!_ "Anypony that can overlook all the pride you used to have to come to a small town they were publicly humiliated in to apologize is alright in my books, Gilda," she said.

"Great," I said. "Now get the fuck off me."

Rainbow Dash looked back down. "Make me," she taunted.

"Applejack, you may now claim your prize," I said.

Rainbow Dash was tackled off me. They went rolling in the dirt. Gilda watched with a small smile on her face. "See you ladies later, I suppose," I said, standing up. I left before I could see anything I wouldn't be interested in.


	43. Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-One—Wherein things are finally explained

I was filling water bottles from a serene river in my second week in the forest when I found something else: A giant water dragon thing.

I handled that exactly as one would expect a knight of Equestria to: I freaked and tried to run away. I mean, what are the chances of getting a friendly dragon twice in a row? His hand shot out and grabbed me before I made it three paces.

"And what are you, cute little ape thing?" the dragon asked with a bit of a lisp. _Oh god it's gay and thinks I'm cute_. "I say, with a little bit of work we might just make you presentable!"

"Uh… Hello," I said. He jerked back; I don't think he was expecting me to be able to talk. "I don't… I don't suppose you could put me down?"

"A cute winged ape thing that talks!" he gleefully said. "Oh, this is just wonderful! Tell me, what do you think of my mustache?" The way he pronounced mustache… I wanted to punch him.

I looked at it. Half of it was orange and straight and half of it was purple and curly. I looked back up to his large eyes. "It looks a bit mismatched," I commented. "Hell, that half looks like Rarity's tail. Now, I don't suppo—"

"You know Mistress Rarity?" I flinched when he called her mistress. "Oh, she's such a dear! This _is _her tail! Or rather, it _was_. She helped me out of a fashion emergency a few years ago, and I've been wanting to repay her ever since!" God, his accent was so flamboyant!

"That's nice. I don't suppose you could set me down? Or at least loosen your bloody grip?" One of my arms was trapped and I couldn't get to any of my main weapons. I'm surprised he hadn't broken my crossbow.

"Set you down? But you tried to run before! How do I know you won't dart away again? It's so… lonely… out here." The way he said that sent shivers down my spine. _That isn't… that isn't even possible. Surely he wouldn't try._

"What would you do if a giant popped up out of nowhere and scared you?" I asked. "I thought you were about to attack!"

"And why would I do that? You're much too cute to attack!"

"I don't know, I figured you might have been hungry."

That was the wrong thing to say, after I thought about it. He licked his lips and loosened his grip, looking me up and down. His eyes settled in a place I wasn't comfortable with. "It has been a while since I had a snack…" he mused.

I gulped. "I'm uh… I'm already in a committed relationship," I said.

"It's just you and me and the forest," he said with a small sigh. "No one else has to know…"

"She's a unicorn that can see through my eyes. She's probably watching right now, actually."

"_She_?" he said, surprised. After a moment he sighed. "The good looking ones are always taken… Still, I don't suppose you would mind keeping me company for a while? This forest gets so dull."

"You could move. There's plenty of water in the world."

"Oh, I know, but the water in this forest makes my skin shine so!" He twirled in the light, scales reflecting light all over the place. He was obviously fishing for compliments.

I didn't say anything.

After a moment, one of his eyes twitched and he went back to talk, "Besides, most of the races in this world don't appreciate my absolute beauty!"

"That's… interesting," I said warily. "But I really must be going. I have somewhere I need to get and I'm already running late. I just stopped by the river to fill up my water bottles." I lifted my wings, ready to take off.

His grip tightened around me again. "Leaving so soon?" he asked, his voice dipping a bit in what I have come to recognize as a sign of insanity in this world.

"I suppose I could stay… for a little while," I said, my hand struggling to reach one of the knives trapped under his hand. I looked up in the sky. _Few hours until dark. Luna always watches, even if Celestia doesn't._

His voice returned to normal as he said, "Excellent!" He proceeded to talk my head off about fashion, hair, and scales for hours. He also mentioned my feathers a few times, which gave me horrifying flashbacks of Kat. Every time he reached down to gently stroke one of my wings I flinched, and he did it a lot. Apparently it's relatively common knowledge how sensitive pegasus wings are. Never once did he loosen his grip though I asked several times. Each time he brought the topic close to how cute he thought I would look wearing so and so, I casually mentioned my unicorn girlfriend.

As soon as the sun started going down, I started muttering, "Help me Luna," over and over, just low enough that I was hoping the dragon couldn't hear me. The way he was constantly talking, I'm surprised he could hear anything at all.

I wasn't paying attention to him at all so I was surprised when I felt his grip tighten suddenly. "I know!" he said, much louder. "Let's play dress-up!"

_Oh fuck no_. My hand finally pulled the dagger from the sheath and I slashed his fingers with it. He dropped me with a yelp and I fell into the river, my body too numb to fly or move. Before the river carried me away I disappeared.

And landed, wet, cold, and miserable, in the royal palace. In front of a startled griffin envoy and Princess Luna. I tried to sit up but I couldn't move my body after being held in his tight grip for so long; I had barely been able to pull the dagger out.

"S-s-s-sorry f-f-for drop-p-ping in," I muttered, shivering.

"What is the meaning of this?" the lead griffin demanded. "Why is your armed knight here?"

I let my dagger fall from my fingers. Luna saw the state I was in and called one of her guards up. "Remove him," she demanded, pointing to me. "Take him to the infirmary. Put a guard up. He is not to leave."

The guard bowed. Luna used magic to lift me to his back. My dagger flew to her throne. That's when I closed my eyes, letting the guard carry me along. I heard Luna give some manner of apology before we were out of the room.

When the doors swung shut behind us, I managed to say, "Just set me down wherever; I'll leave when I can move again."

"Sorry, sir. Princess Luna's orders supersede yours. You're going to the infirmary, where you are not to leave," the guard answered. _Fuck_.

We went the rest of the way in silence. Thankfully, it wasn't that long of a walk; this guard's armor was digging into my stomach, now that some feeling was starting to return.

He took me to a familiar room with a segmented bed. "Can you move yet, Sir?" he asked.

I gently slid off his back and barely held myself up. "I think I'm… good," I said. I stretched my wings and arms out a bit, feeling circulation painfully returning to parts of my body. "Yeah, I'm good. I won't leave, so you don't need to worry about a guard." He looked at me like I was an idiot and walked out. I knew if I looked outside there would be a guard.

I started taking my wet clothes off. I used a towel I found in one of the drawers to dry me and all of my blades off. All that done, I slid into bed, waiting for Luna to let me leave. My clothes were dried and back on me by the time she sent for me.

"Come on, Sir Navarone," the royal guard said, stepping in. "Princess Luna wishes to see you."

I stood and stretched a bit. "Where is she?" I asked. "I'll save you a bit of time."

"She's in her room. But she asked that you be led there, so you don't think to wander away. Sorry Sir, but we have to follow her orders."

"I understand. Lead the way."

He led me right to her door and knocked on it. It opened quickly. When Luna saw us standing outside, she said, "Come on in, Nav. Thank you, Sunshine. You may return to your post."

"Wait, Sunshine?" I asked. "A night guard named Sunshine?"

He blushed lightly. "Sunshine Smiles, sir." He saluted and left.

I entered Luna's room, shaking my head slightly. I turned to shut the door.

And when I turned back I found myself staring down my own dagger. "I had a lot of appeasing to do for you, Nav," Luna said in a somewhat angry voice.

"My apologies," I answered, holding my hands in a placating gesture. "I was trying to get your attention for nearly an hour. I finally had no choice left. That damn water dragon was trying to get me naked for lewd purposes."

She smiled at that. "Isn't that what _I _do? And a few of your… _friends_?"

"Yes, but it's a lot more enjoyable when one of you are doing it. He would kill me trying anything."

She rolled her eyes. "Either way, I feel like you owe me for this."

"Uh… Okay. Do you mind lowering the dagger?"

"Sit, Navarone," she said, the dagger jerking toward a couch. I slowly walked over to it, the dagger following me. I sat stiffly. She used magic to pull a couch close to the one I was in and she sat. The dagger didn't move.

"So what's with the dagger, Luna?" I finally asked. "You know I'll do anything you ask as long as I find it reasonable, and I think we both know you won't ask me to do anything _too _unreasonable."

She glared at me and the knife came closer. I tried to lean back to find that I couldn't move. "It seems to me that you aren't able to do much unless it's forced," she said, anger entering her voice. "And you certainly aren't willing to tell me much unless you have no choice. So I'm not going to give you one."

_Oh shit, she remembered the talk she wanted._ This didn't make it into the… well, regular journals, so I'll repeat it here: Luna was pissed at me because of intimacy issues stemming from being raped too many times. The irony of this was lost on her.

Here's a basic run down of the night this all occurred in: She turned into Nightmare Moon. Things got rough. She told me to stop her if she went too far. I tried but she didn't listen. I stopped trying. She got mad. We got interrupted before we could discuss it. I assumed she had forgotten. Apparently she hadn't.

"And you're willing to kill me?" I asked. The knife moved closer. "Name your subject then, and let us talk."

"I think you know what I want to discuss, Navarone," she said.

"Okay… So what's up with a night guard named Sunshine Smiles? That's just ridiculous!"

She looked at me blankly.

I sighed. "I have issues, Luna. I have been abused way too many times. You went way too far that night and when I mentioned that I wasn't comfortable you ignored it. So I didn't bother after that because if you ignored me the first time then why would you listen the second? I have found that resisting in the face of a more powerful adversary just means pain before you are defeated. So I just took the defeat with the hope that it wouldn't go on for long."

She looked like she was about to cry. Maybe it was the matter-of-fact way I said it. Maybe it was the fact that she knew she hurt me. Maybe it was the idea that I've learned to give up so easily. Who knows?

The knife dropped to the floor. "You're afraid of me, aren't you?" she whispered.

I knew what the right answer to that was. I was supposed to say _Of course not_. I pulled her into a hug and whispered, "Yes, I am." She tried to pull back but I didn't let her go. "I didn't want to say any of this, but you asked me," I whispered. "You told me to tell you if you hurt me. I did. You kept going. And the entire time you were terrifying me." She was crying, still trying to pull away from me. "I'm not going to let you go, Luna," I said. "I… I want this to work." It wasn't until the words were out of my mouth that I realized it was actually true. "And being honest is probably the best way to do that right now."

She was silent for a while. Eventually, she whispered, "And… you're just willing to… forgive me? Just like that?"

"I've forgiven others for worse. I accepted your deal knowing that I might be asked to do things I wouldn't enjoy. That doesn't make what you did right, but I agreed to do whatever you said."

"And would you, again?" she asked, a twinge of hope entering her voice.

"Not without laying down rules. And not without teaching you more. Now that you know what you know about me, I have less to worry about, but still. Every time you opened your mouth you scared me more and more, which is not the point of bedroom talk. We can go over all of that later, though." I pushed her away so I could look in her eyes. "There's just one thing I need to know," I said. And this is the point of no return. I absolutely had to do this.

"Anything."

"Have you been reading my journals?"

She blinked. I don't think she was expecting that. With a blush she answered, "Yes."

"When did you start?"

She smiled lightly. "As soon as you left for Maris. When you dropped them off, basically." And there went my heart.

I nodded slowly. "So it's all been a game for you and Celestia both." I let her go, grabbed my knife, sheathed it, and stood. "I'm going back to the forest."

She looked at me, confused at first. Then I saw a look of recognition, which immediately turned to heartbreak. I slipped my ring on and turned to the door.

"Nav…" she whispered.

I stopped. "Yes, Princess?" I didn't face her.

"Look at me." I turned. Her eyes were red from crying so much. "How did you know?" she whispered.

"You gave yourself away the night we danced. I've known ever since." I turned to go again. "I'll be back in Ponyville in a few days, if you want to change my orders." I got to the door, to see that it was blocked by magic.

I was wearing a magic-proof ring. I easily opened it. I heard air squeezing to occupy an instantly emptied space and Luna appeared inches in front of me. I stared at her impassively. "You knew, and you played anyway. Why?" She was still sad, I realized. _She actually came to love me. As I did her. A shame._

"Because I didn't know the rules. Because I feared if I didn't I would be killed. Because I wasn't positive. But tonight… We came to the point of no return. It was either cross the line or admit to knowing. I don't know—and I don't really care—whose idea it was to do this to me. But it wasn't necessary. Now, Princess, I think I need to get back to my duty."

She didn't move. After a moment of staring into my eyes, she sighed. "Will you give me a chance to explain?"

"I will, if only because I came to love you. I'll let you explain, but that doesn't mean I'll believe you." I didn't move, though.

"Inside, if you would," she finally said. I backed into her room. I didn't feel comfortable sitting anywhere now, so I just stood. After a moment I pulled a small knife out and began to clean my fingernails, staring at Luna as she slowly walked back to the couch. She looked up at me when she was down but decided not to ask me to join her.

After a moment she began. "When Twilight began to report on the history of humanity, Celestia and I decided that we wanted you as a servant. A loyal, faithful servant. You were a one of a kind species, so we knew you had nowhere to go. But we wanted to make sure you stayed here with the ponies, where you were needed. You know we aren't warriors, Navarone. We need servants like you to advance our interests in ways we are unable to do so in. Despite the public claims of Celestia, not all of our problems can be solved with diplomacy." She paused. "So we needed a servant. Somepony violent but easily controlled. Young enough to be taught that ponies are friends. Young enough to be controlled through… love." She sighed. "But think of us what you will: We are not cruel. We would never ask any of our subjects to pretend to love you. And you were never to know of the illusion, thinking to your death that you were loved. We knew it had to be one of us… And Celestia was too respected by the ponies. I was relatively unknown, having just gotten back from the moon." She blushed slightly. "I'll admit, I was hesitant to accept; I had read all of Twilight's reports, after all. She claimed you were a well-educated gentle-colt. But the history of your species said otherwise. Still, I thought it would be nice to actually meet somepony." She stopped.

I didn't say anything, just kept watching her. After a moment I slid the knife back into a sheath and crossed my arms.

"You were crafty. You were lonely. But… You didn't want to be loved. Nor did you want to love. You even told Celestia you weren't capable of it. Not that _humans _weren't, but that you weren't. We didn't think for a moment that you were telling the truth. We had to dig up lie detecting spells to figure out you really meant it. By then I had already dived to save you in the rodeo. When I finally realized how you felt, I decided to terminate you under the reasoning that somepony that can't love is nothing but a monster. I knew that if you were as warlike as your history claimed you to be, you would try to fight the monster I sent and you would have died." She looked down. "You didn't. Didn't even try. You ran away as fast as a pony would have." She looked back up. "Celestia was not pleased that I took matters into my own hooves."

So she really had tried to kill me. Interesting.

"She didn't want to punish me, but she knew she had to in order to keep you placated. But she was always the schemer of the two of us. She saw how to manipulate you without love. She still saw potential. And when she explained to me what she wanted to do… That's when I started to really fall in love with you. Your selflessness, Navarone! You were willing to pretend to love me so that _I _would be happy. That isn't a common virtue. So Celestia let you pretend to love me. And I began to truly love you. I read more and more of the letters Twilight sent regarding you, and reread all the original ones in a more favorable light. And I began to rethink all of our encounters. I realized that I had been wrong about you from the start."

She looked like she wanted to stop, or wanted to ask my opinion. I just stared at her impassively, waiting for her to continue. I didn't know how to take this or if it was true or if it was part of the game. I knew how I could find out, though. I mentally checked my pockets.

"You weren't a pony, but I realized that wasn't a bad thing. You were kind. You helped me. You were in a new world, lonely in a way that I had been lonely. And yet you were still happy." She gave a shuddering sigh. "I don't want to explain everything that made me fall in love with you." She looked down again. "And then Celestia decided to take you on a test run. Egypt. None of us had any idea of what to expect there. And Celestia threw you into the mix to see what would happen." She paused again and gave another sigh. "You exceeded our wildest hopes. You proved yourself not only a warrior but also a thinker. And," she said, blushing, "a well-trained lover."

I felt my fists clenching at that and my eyes narrowed.

She saw that and hurried on. "So we decided you were what we were looking for. But by then, I had actually fallen in love with you. I was unwilling to admit it to myself until I saw you again on your return from the Middle East. Modest but defiant. Broken but confident. I knew you were worried about meeting me and feared Celestia finding out, but you did it anyway to keep up the illusion that you loved me. And that's when I knew that I wanted you to truly love me." She sighed again. "But I had no experience courting and we were not supposed to see each other. But when I hesitantly told Celestia, instead of being angry as I expected she actually seemed happy! Happy that her sister was feeling that emotion. So we worked together to find a solution of sorts. A solution that might allow you to properly fall in love with me, instead of just pretending."

Why would Celestia be happy that her sister was going to be heartbroken when I died? Or were they expecting me to take the deal of eternal life?

"So we got you to admit that you didn't love me out loud," she continued. "And I overheard you. I really didn't mean to throw you that hard, but I knew if you were able to get up and talk you would ruin the entire thing just by being you. We were given permission to… date. But you. Still. Did. Not. Love. Me. Didn't even want to think of the concept of it. You said you would think about it and fled. That hurt me, Navarone."

Because this entire thing had no chance of hurting me. Right, that's real fair.

She drew another shuddering breath and continued. "Then you ended up in Egypt again. You proved you could be cruel. You proved you could be heartless. You proved you could be exactly what I thought you were in the beginning. I was heartbroken." She smiled lightly. "And then you proved just how little we understood you when you found Taya. You went beyond the point of no return… and you returned. As simple as that."

Taya, my redeemer. I had not thought of her as that, in all honesty, but I can see how that would fit.

I saw her smiling nastily. "Imagine my surprise when Celestia told me her plans for your return. I was disappointed that Celestia thought I was inadequate to contain you myself. I still think she's just jealous, but don't tell her I said that." She shrugged. "I knew I had to make the offer first. You can't know how much it hurt me when you not only refused to listen but did not hesitate in the slightest to shoot a _real bolt_ at me. By then… Well, I knew you would refuse to even hear of the wager since you would deem it unfair that you won without the game even happening. So I conceded defeat, allowing my sister her… _turn _at you."

This is getting kind of dark.

"Where I had forgotten that I was a princess and could actually _force _you to listen, she did not. She knew you wouldn't have heard of her wager and so offered you the choice to listen or be made to listen. And then she spun a sob story for you. All of it is true, of course, but it was just as true for me! More so, in fact, as I had been on the moon for a thousand years!" She shook her head. "But you took her up on it. Did more than that: Offered to give her what she wanted even if you decided _not to take the bet_." She smiled nastily again. "I'm glad you did take the wager. It did her good to get publicly embarrassed like that. Especially since her own little student was involved."

Ah, sibling rivalry. Always a fun subject. It's a lot less fun when you're trapped in the middle, between two incredibly powerful women that both seem to want you. I'll have to work on that, if I survive long enough.

"But I knew I couldn't just let her win like that. So I threw caution to the wind and let the entire scheme be risked by talking about it in front of that insufferable student." She gave another smile. "And I'm very glad I did. Being a human is odd, but… it was worth it." Her smiled dropped. "And then Taya almost killed you." She stopped, unsure of how to continue.

I couldn't give her any help. That was the one thing I had been thinking about: Did they do it on purpose or were they _really _forced to do it?

"I know you want to ask, Navarone. The answer is… we don't know. We honestly thought we were saving your life, but _we just don't know._ We both knew you would be upset about it, but what could we do? At that point I was in love with you and Celestia still wanted me to be happy. With the aside that she could occasionally use you, of course. When you finally practically admitted that you loved me at your anniversary party, I knew I had finally won… But you weren't fully mine. I realized somewhat quickly that you were still pretending because you thought I was falling for you again." She blushed a bit. "Either that or humans think a lot less about sex than we do in terms of relationships. You didn't change a bit that I saw after that night." She gave me a bit of a glare. "And you still haven't."

Now _that _got me to speak. "You just admitted to forming an entire plot to get me to fall in love with you using trickery, lies, and deceit. And _you _are mad at _me _for getting some action on the side? And that is after you basically told me to do what—and who—I pleased until the seven years was up."

There wasn't much she could really say to that, other than, "I thought love would be enough to tame you."

"I didn't realize I loved you until a few minutes ago. And you are giving me several very good reasons to rethink that."

There was silence as we just looked at each other. She broke it. "Now you know the truth. And now you know that I truly do love you. The question is… Do you still love me?"

I uncrossed my hands. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my key. "Do you know what I learned about this key, Luna?" I asked.

She looked at it without concern. "You can use it to make anypony tell you the truth," she said.

I concentrated. "Do you love me?" I asked.

Her eyes went blank. "Yes." She blinked and looked at me, smiling.

Should I forgive her? For lying? For trying to murder me? For plotting to use me as a slave of love?

Should I forgive her? A philosopher could debate that forever.

All I could do—as clichéd as it felt—was follow my heart.

I took my ring off and let it fall to the floor. "I love you," I replied.


	44. Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Two—Injuries and mixing medicines

I was on the third cycle of week in and week out when it went to hell. I was heading back into the forest on foot, when I heard a very familiar squeal of terror. _Fluttershy_. I started cutting through the forest in what I was hoping was the direction she was in.

She screamed again, giving me a more accurate idea of where she was. I pushed even harder to try to get to her. If I could, I would have flown through the mess.

I finally caught sight of her, running along one of the few roads in the forest. Behind her was… nothing. I pushed out on the road. "What are you runnin—" She didn't even stop. I looked behind her again, trying to see anything.

_There_! Was that… was that a dot darting about in the air? _Wait_. It was a lot of dots darting about in the air. I barely had time to make out the basic shape of a bear before it rushed past. A bear made of dots. _Or stars._ I remembered what Spike had said about the critter made of stars with no skin or blood. Looks like I found it. Don't know why it's out during day, but I also didn't have much time to think about it: Fluttershy's fear-induced speed was incredible, but this thing was a giant bear made of stars.

I had no way of keeping up with it, so I took aim as fast as I could. I know it had no skin. I was hoping to hit a star or something. Anything to slow it down or cause it to stop. I lined up a shot and my efforts were rewarded with a massive roar that sent shivers down my spine and forced another squeal from Fluttershy. The bear shifted to face the new threat. Seeing nothing, it ran off into the woods to look for its attacker.

I followed Fluttershy, hoping she would get tired or slow down or notice that it was gone. It took her a while, and we were almost out of the forest, but she finally did.

"N-n-Navarone?" she weakly asked, panting.

"The same. Whatever the fuck that thing was, we left it in the dust. I hope. You need to get out of this forest."

"I have to see Zecora, though!"

"You don't need to see her enough to risk dying to do it. Tell me what you need and I'll get it for you. Right after I show you out of this place."

"How do you know the Ursa Minor won't attack you?"

"Because I'm mostly tree. I shot him to draw his attention off you, and when he turned to look at me he didn't even see me."

"I wish I could be a tree…" She swished her tail. "But the thing I need to talk to Zecora about is… personal."

"Well, that's what friends are for. I am not letting you stay in this forest with that thing running around, and who knows what else besides." To punctuate that, we heard howling in the distance. She squealed again, and tried huddling against me. I reloaded the crossbow. "Let's go." We went. As I said, we were near the edge of the forest, so it only took about fifteen minutes to walk out. If I had let her, she would have sped out of the forest like a bloody bullet.

"So, what am I getting from Zecora?" I asked when we hit the edge. "Tea, perhaps?"

She gave me a very embarrassed look, and a nod. "Tell her it's for me and Twilight. She'll understand, I think."

I shouldered my crossbow. "Aye, I learned what happens when Twilight doesn't get her tea. I'll be back in a bit, lass." I strode back into the woods, wings gently streaming in a gust of wind.

_Wait, wind? In the forest? _I lowered the crossbow just in time to catch a massive paw across the chest, throwing me against a tree with so much force it knocked me flat out. My last thought was that I had forgotten to take off the ring.

While I was out, I had a strange, strange dream. I saw a statue at the palace in Canterlot. It was some fucked up critter with all manner of body parts. I stood facing it at first, and turned to walk away. I followed a path that seemed perfectly natural, through a few gardens, into the palace, and up to a large tower. At the end of my walk stood a door with a single hole in the middle, surrounded by six colors and symbols. Stained glass windows lined the hallway leading up to it, showing all manner of scenes from the history of Equestria.

The door suddenly cracked open, letting out an intense light. When the light subsided, I saw a box. I heard a deep male voice say to me, "Take the contents of this box, and you will be rewarded."

I only record this at all because it turned out to be pretty important.

I woke up some time later in a very comfortable bed, on my back. I twitched my wings, just to be sure. I felt very constricted, but not actually tied. I felt along my body, trying to discover what all was wrong.

The first thing I discovered was that I was missing my left index finger. It is a very, very horrifying feeling, to be missing a body part. I pulled my hand out of the covers to try to look at it, only to find that my hand was bound in bandages. After I got over the initial horror of discovering I was missing a finger, I discovered a small bit of other damage: A chunk gone from my stomach, a gash down my cheek, and a few deep gouges down my back. My body was propped up by pillows, leaving my wings free to hang below me._ Neat idea. Why didn't I think of it?_

_So, my luck finally ran out._ Or rather, ran low; I was still alive.

My mouth was closed tight from the bandages around my head due to my cheek. I left them on, for the time being. I slid the covers off me. I was wearing the pants I had on when all of this happened, but no shirt, shoes, or socks. The ring was still on my left hand, thankfully. My pockets were empty.

Sunlight was streaming through the window. I weakly pushed myself up into a sitting position, expecting an explosion of pain. Nothing. I popped my neck with my unbound right hand. Still no pain.

I was contemplating getting up when Fluttershy bustled in with a tray of soup balanced on her back. When she saw me she jumped, squealed, and the soup went straight to the floor. She was trying to find her words when I reached up and lowered the bandages around my face. They pooled around my neck, giving me a mummy necklace.

"What happened?" I croaked. My voice was raspy from a dry throat and disuse.

Instead of answering, though, she asked, "How are you awake? Zecora and Twilight thought you would be out for weeks!"

"I heal fast. What happened?"

"Oh, Nav! It was terrible…" That's all I got out of her. I suppose it was enough.

"Why am I here? You said Twilight knows, right?"

Her eyes flicked to my ring, and then back up. "I volunteered to look after you, since you were going into the forest because of me. Please don't be mad!" She gave off a few lying signs. The tell-tale sign of a pony liar.

I spread my wings to their full size. I find that it occasionally intimidates ponies. "What is the _real _reason I am here?"

She started whimpering. I lowered my wings. "Nav, please… please don't make me tell you. I don't think Twilight would be happy."

"So. So this is to be my punishment for wearing the ring… Apt." I lowered my feet to the floor.

"What are you—" she started. I interrupted her by standing. The pain suddenly exploded all across my body. I gasped and wavered where I stood, and she rushed forward to catch me if I fell. "You aren't going anywhere like this!"

Normally, a statement like that would push me forward. This time, though… I sank back down. "I don't think I would get a foot out that door." The pain slowly faded. "How long should I be here?" I finally asked when the worst of it was gone.

"Zecora predicted a pony would be unconscious for a week from the sheer damage you took. You were out two days. She predicted you wouldn't even be able to stand for three more days. All in all, she expected about three weeks of bed rest."

"Her predictions were wrong. If I am not fine in two days, I'll leave then."

"Are you sure?" At my look, she gulped. "Two days it is, then. Now, you need to lie back and get some more rest!"

"You're the boss, lass. Don't expect me to get much sleep, though." For some reason, she gave me a guilty smile when I said that.

She looked down at the soup and sighed. "I'll be right back," she said.

Not ten minutes later I heard her clomping back up her stairs. She came in, laden with another soup tray and a few towels. Angel followed her up. I shared a nod with him; ever since Fluttershy realized what I said about him organizing the animals against me was true, he had been somewhat decent.

"So, there's something in the soup to put me to sleep?" I asked. She looked at me, somewhat terrified.

"No, I can't read minds," I said. She squeaked. "You're just terrible at lying. All of you ponies are." She gave a sigh of relief. "I suppose I should thank you, Fluttershy. Most ponies wouldn't have bothered helping me past getting me to the doctor, or making sure I stayed in bed. Even Celestia let me get out of bed when I was almost dead. The least I can do to repay your kindness is spending my time here asleep, so I don't bother you."

"You're no bother, Nav! And I'm just doing what any friend would do." Didn't stop her from giving me the soup, though.

"How long will I be out? And who all knows I'm even here?" I asked.

"Three days," she whispered, and then said louder, "Just Zecora, Twilight, and me. And my animal friends, of course. No pony else knows you were injured."

I nodded sadly. "Good. See you in three days, I suppose. And I _will _leave when I wake up. Don't even think about tying me down. You would not like me when I'm bound, and I _will _make you cry when you let me go."

"I would never hold you against your will, Nav."

"I know." I started on the soup. "At least it tastes great. You're a good cook, Fluttershy."

She blushed lightly and looked down.

I finished the bowl and passed her the tray. "Thank you, friend. How long until it hits me?"

"Oh, a few minutes. Just lie back down and let your friend Fluttershy sing you a lullaby…" I felt her gently push me back down into the bed. She began to lightly sing. That was the last thing I heard for six days.

I had the same dream while I slept the days away.

When I opened my eyes the next time, it was night. I had a moment of panic before I remembered where I was. All the bandages around me were gone, and I couldn't even feel any scars remaining from the cuts along my back or cheek. The chunk from my stomach still left a bit of a hole, but it felt like it was closing in. The stump of my finger looked a little better, but it still felt terrifying to be missing something.

I noticed a weight around my body, holding me down. _She didn't tie me. Fluttershy wouldn't do that._ As my eyes acclimatized, I discovered what it was: A leg. A pony leg, to be exact. A few seconds later told me it was attached to a pony. She was holding onto me kind of like how Pinkie Pie had. Odd, though, since I occasionally scare Fluttershy. Maybe her dreams are scarier than I am.

Well, it _was _Fluttershy's only bed. No reason to expect her to sleep on a couch just because I was laid up on her bed. I didn't know at the time that I had been out for six days, so I decided to just wait a bit. I could tell from the window that it was nearing sunrise. If I had known, I would have up and left, right back into the forest without telling a soul. I didn't have anything planned, but I was only expecting three days, dammit.

It didn't take much more than an hour for Fluttershy to wake up. She jerked awake and let out a funny little squeak when she realized she was holding me. She practically jumped away from me, not even realizing that I was awake. Then she let out a nervous little laugh, thinking I was still out. "You scared me there for a second, Nav…" she whispered.

I sat up. "I can imagine." She squeaked. I popped my neck while she tried to recover some of her wits. I continued, "I see that I am fully healed. Somewhat surprised that even the scars are gone after only three days, but I'm not going to complain."

"Th-th-three days? It's been… six…"

I paused, staring at her. "You told me three, before I fell into oblivion."

"It was supposed to be three… but you weren't well yet. So before you woke up I gave you another dose."

I stood, shaking my wings. "I see. Where are my things?"

"Oh, please tell me you aren't mad!"

"You did what you thought was best. I disagree, but I understand. I am not angry, though I am somewhat disappointed. Too kind for your own damn good. Now, where are my things?" I was still wearing my ring and pants, at least.

She pointed me to a drawer. I reached for it, and felt my hand hit it and yet nothing happened. It was my left hand that did the reaching. I held it up and looked at it. She flinched when she saw the look on my face. "Nav…"

"That finger was on my top ten list of favorite fingers…" I sighed, and then opened the drawer. I pulled my shirt—completely mended—out, along with all of my knife belts. I gathered the empty quiver from next to the cabinet. "And my crossbow?" I asked, turning to face her.

She looked down. "It… it was destroyed. Please don't be mad, Nav!"

"Why do you think I would be mad at you?"

"Because it was my fault all this happened!"

"No, it was my fault for being overconfident. I shouldn't have gone back in. I did, and this is the punishment for my hubris. The crossbow can be replaced. My finger… well, it might grow back. My pride is something else entirely, but I suppose it's about time that took a knock or two. I'm not mad at you, and this wasn't your fault. If anything, I should be thankful to you for looking after me and making sure I got the care I needed."

She blushed slightly. "When you have friends like ours—and yours—it's hard to leave something like that up for chance. You've had a few visitors." I can imagine that it was made clear to her by Luna or Celestia what would happen if something happened to me while resting, which probably didn't do anything for her confidence. "I don't like letting my charges leave while still injured."

"Thanks for making me stay in bed, then. You've been forced to deal with me long enough. If you don't need anything, I'll head home. I'm sure Taya has been missing me."

"Don't you want breakfast?" she asked, a bit too quickly. As if realizing what she had done, she added, "It wouldn't be any trouble."

"No thanks," I answered, fingering the hole in my stomach. "I don't like eating this early in the morning if I can help it, and I really need light more than I need food." My hair was somewhat wilted. I'm sure some of that was from sleeping so long, but some of it was probably from lack of light. The sun was able to peek through the windows a little, but she kept her blinds down.

"Wha… OH! I'm so sorry, I forgot! Please, do—"

"I'm not mad. I'll be fine, lass. I just need a few minutes outside and I'll be good as new." I started to the door.

"What about water?" she asked.

I turned to her. "No thanks. You've been a great host, as far as I can remember, but I really just want to get home."

She was kind of starting to get flustered. I was beginning to suspect she was trying to drug me again. I got to the door and got my hand on the handle. She flung her front legs around me in a tight embrace.

"I was so scared," she whispered. "I thought you were dead… There was so much blood…" Oh, that's what this is about.

"I lived because of you. You might think you were scared, but you were brave: You did what you needed to do. I'm here, you're here, and we're both fine." I let the door go and turned to hug her back. "Like it or not, you're learning what it means to be brave." We held each other for a few more moments, before I felt her legs go slack. I let her go. "Better?" I asked.

There were light tears in her eyes, but she nodded. I opened the door and went down the stairs. I saw Angel watching me from the couch and sent him up to look after her. I left her little house and finally got back into the sun. It was a mid-May summer day, and the sun was shining down hot. I used to be a night person when I arrived here, but now… Well, my biology was forcing me to be a day person, like it or not. The sun felt great.

I stretched the remaining weariness out of my body, and smiled at the energy coursing through me again. I was starting to get good at this whole survival thing. I walked down the winding path away from Fluttershy's home, watching small herds of animals play around me; she attracted all manner of critters to her home, some that made sense and some that didn't. I saw a bat playing with a toucan, for example. That just doesn't make any kind of sense, especially during day.

But I have learned that this world doesn't have to make sense. Or at least, not to me.

It didn't take me long to get back home, and there was little fanfare along the way—none of the townsfolk didn't know I got injured and most wouldn't care if they did, and over the past few months I had been taking long absences from the town anyway.

I was tempted to remove the ring and fly into town to give my wings a bit of a stretch as well, but it really just felt too good to be walking again after so long in bed.

I got back just as everyone in the library was waking up. I didn't know how to go about hiding my lack of a finger from Taya, so I didn't bother trying. I didn't point it out, but she noticed rather quickly after jumping into my arms—and throwing me on the floor while doing it—that I was missing something.

"What happened to your hand?" she asked, letting me get to my feet. She had a very accusatory stare on her face, and I knew I was about to be in trouble.

I did a quick mental check to make sure I was wearing the ring, and said, "I ran into something meaner than I was." No reason to mention Fluttershy; I don't want Taya to blame her for anything, even though it actually was my fault.

"You promised me you wouldn't be hurt," she said. It wasn't angry, or sad, or anything. It was flat.

I think that hurt worse than losing my finger. "I said I probably wouldn't be hurt. Besides, there was almost no pain involved at all."

Her eyes flashed light orange, and her horn was glowing. She was about to say something when she suddenly blinked, letting both glows die. She blushed heavily and ran back upstairs.

Twilight and Spike were giving me odd looks. "What was _that _about?" Spike finally asked.

I snapped my fingers. "After so long away that's all you can say?" They both blinked.

"Are you feeling better?" Twilight asked, a bit of concern in her voice. "The princess and I were so worried…"

"I'm fine, lass. I wasn't expecting to be asleep so long, but it was for the best."

"We all told Fluttershy you'd understand."

"And now your experiment begins to see how long it'll take my finger to grow back," I said.

She gave a sheepish smile. "Well, I wasn't going to do anything without your permission, but…" She turned to look around for something. "Spike, where's my ruler?"

"Where it _always _is," he said, rushing off to grab it. When he returned, Twilight eagerly measured my stub. The finger had been removed at the main joint, leaving a nasty ragged bit left. I couldn't tell for sure without having seen it a few days ago, but it felt a wee bit bigger.

"And the rest of your injuries?" Twilight asked.

"The only thing left is the chunk missing from my stomach, and I'm pretty sure it's filling in."

"Amazing! I've never seen magic modify somepony to this level before! I'm surprised it still works, with that ring on."

"It works because it is biology, not magic. It started as magic, but it all molded together. I fear I am not a human anymore."

"Well, whatever you are, you're the most resilient creature I've ever seen. I'm glad you're on our side." I couldn't help but smile at that.

I stopped going into the forest after that. I wasn't willing to risk getting attacked again, with even worse results. I believe Luna got what she was looking for, and Twilight would be busy for a while with what I brought her.

One day in early June found me lying back on a low-flying cloud over a relatively empty park. It was a nice warm day, and the serenity all around me let me just forget all my problems and plans. No princesses, no Taya, no clamoring voices, nothing but the cloud beneath me and the sky above.

And then Rainbow Dash had to fucking ruin it. "If Applejack asks, I'm not here!" she whispered, huddling deep into the center of the cloud.

I sighed, "Got it."

"Sh, not so loud!" she hissed.

I didn't answer. Silence reigned once again, aside from Rainbow Dash's heavy breathing.

Not five minutes later, I heard someone calling down below, "Is anypony up there?"

I opened my eyes and peeked over, to spy Applejack looking up at me. "No ponies," I called down. Not a lie: Rainbow Dash is a pegasus. "But there is a human. Need something?"

"Have you seen Rainbow Dash anywhere?"

"Not recently, no. If I see her, I'll tell her you're looking." It wasn't technically a lie either; when Rainbow Dash hid, I didn't even open my eyes.

"Well, shoot. Thanks anyway, Nav!" With that, she ran off to look some more.

I laid back down, to find a pegasus lying crossways over where I had been. I just rested my head against her and let my legs dangle; I was well over my fear of heights by that point. "Applejack is looking for you," I said, closing my eyes again.

"Thanks, Nav. I'm usually more careful in my pranks, but she caught me this time!"

"At least you had some manner of escape. The last time she caught me pranking her, I had to spend a day helping her with farm work."

"Doesn't hardly seem fair to you."

"Don't I know it? So be thankful you're fast. Though if you're afraid of getting caught, your pranking will weaken"

"I'm not afraid of anything!" There was a bit of a pause. "But… there are some things that give me a bit of a pause. Besides, all I really want right now is a chance to sleep, and Applejack loves to work. And… a few other things. I always try not to get caught by her."

If I had been animate enough I would have shrugged. "I wish I could sleep. I won't be able to until fall, unless I get injured badly enough again."

"We were wondering what happened to your finger. You finally got attacked in the forest? I'm sure you gave better than you got!"

"I was attacked right after saving Fluttershy from something in there. I wish I could say I put up a good fight, but something very large and very mean took a good swipe at me and knocked me right out. I barely survived after that. Missing finger, broken wing, deep gashes down my back, my cheek was cut so bad you could see my tongue, and I had a big chunk bitten out of my stomach. It took me eight days to heal most of it away, and all but a few minutes of that was spent asleep in Fluttershy's bed."

"_Fluttershy _took care of you? Well, I suppose that would be better than a doctor; they wouldn't know much about you. Still, eight days is incredible, for all that! I wish I had your kind of regeneration skills. And your long life. And your adventures…"

"I am liking the regenerative abilities, but as to the rest… Bleh. You didn't read my more recent journals, so you don't know how bad some of the rest of the world is. You think you want adventure, but with adventure comes hunger, thirst, desperation, and violence. It is not a fun life."

I heard a voice calling up again, "Hey Navarone, come down!"

I slid around to look down again, to find Pinkie Pie looking up with her typical curiosity. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you why, Pinkie Pie."

"Hey, that rhymed!" she said. "You're a poet and didn't even realize it!" Yep, that's Pinkie Pie.

"So what did you need?" I asked, still peeking over the cloud.

"I'm bored!"

"You're fucking Pinkie Pie! You know everyone in this bloody village. How can you possibly be bored?"

"Come on, Nav! You're just lying around!"

I muttered, "Dammit, Pinkie Pie." Louder, I said, "Hold on." I turned to look at Rainbow Dash, who was faking being asleep by closing her eyes and pretending to snore. "I know you're faking," I told her. She peeked an eye open then quickly closed it when she saw me looking. She started snoring faster. "You are obviously faking being asleep." She muttered something in a sleepy sounding voice, pretending to be dreaming. "You don't start dreaming until you've been asleep for a while." Nothing. "Fine, be that way." I slid off the cloud and glided my way down.

As soon as my feet hit the grass, I slipped my ring on. The only way a unicorn could hurt me while wearing that is by kicking me, stabbing me, or throwing something at me. I'm paranoid, but whatever.

"So what did you have in mind, lass?" I asked.

She smiled. "How do you feel about foals?"

"You mean the wee little newborns?" She nodded. "Not a fan, personally. And I don't imagine they'd be much a fan of me, given what I am."

"Come on Nav, you're not that bad!"

"I wouldn't say all that about a human baby. It's just that my appearance is so wildly different from anything they would be used to that it might scare them. So I've done my best to avoid any babies here."

"How will you ever know unless you find out? Want to go play with some?"

"Not really, no. That wasn't _only _reason I didn't want to see any. I also don't like babies that much. Loud, stinky, fragile, unmannered, uncontrollable. Not something I'd want to spend much time around, given the choice."

"Come on, Nav! Those aren't so bad. I mean, I'm talking to you, after all!"

"Yeah, but you are hardly fragile. The rest, yeah, a little."

"I'm not stinky!" she said with much indignation. She didn't try to refute the others.

"To you, yeah. And I don't suppose you ponies smell anything wrong with each other. After so long here, I barely even notice it. But there was definitely an unpleasant stench the first few days I was here, and I notice it every time I leave pony-held lands for a while. You'd probably notice the same thing if you went to where I came from. But no matter. Pick a hobby, lass, and I might join you."

"Anything?" she asked with a disturbing unguarded wonder.

"Ask, and I might. You never know until you ask."

She grabbed my head and pulled my ear in close. She whispered something in my ear, and let my head go. "No," I answered.

"How about singing and jumping and dancing and frolicking?"

"I'll watch as you do that; some of your songs are actually pretty decent. Or if by dancing you mean ballroom, then maybe. It's been about a month and a half since I did much of that. Jumping and frolicking, though, I think I'll just watch."

"You never want to try anything new! Or are you really just that lazy?"

"I'm not entirely positive as to what frolicking entails, I'll admit. But jumping and what I've heard about frolicking aren't things I enjoy, personally. I enjoy hearing others sing, and I find some dancing enjoyable. Though Scratch got me moving to beats you're closer to. I'll freely admit, that night was fun."

"So… are you saying that you want to party?" She had such a hopeful gleam in her eyes.

"I don't remember saying that, actually. Can't you just settle for going to the Gala next month?"

"Psh, that's not a party! That's a gathering of rich snobs that have nothing better to do. And the princesses, of course."

"And your friend the donkey?" I asked. Some old donkey came to town a few years ago, name of Cranky Doodle Donkey. Funny name, not so funny fellow. Pinkie Pie pulled a fucking deus ex machina and found his lost love in town. Apparently the two lovers met at the Gala some years ago. After all the abuse Pinkie put that poor bastard through I'm surprised he forgave her even then, but people here are nicer than I am.

She waved her hoof. "He only _used _to be a rich snob with nothing better to do."

"And me? Or Twilight? Or yourself, at that. We've all been to a few of them."

"Okay, so there are a _few _exceptions."

"We could play chess," I suggested, hoping to get her mind off partying.

"That game is so boooring! Why don't we do something fun?"

"Name something you enjoy that I also enjoy." At her look I amended, "Aside from what you've already mentioned."

She got a thoughtful look on her face. After a few seconds, she raised her hoof like she had an idea, and then paused. After a second, she put her hoof to her mouth, concentrating hard. She stood like that for a little while. And then she pounced on me.

I landed on my back, with her on top of me, one of her legs on each of my extremities, holding them down. She was smiling right in my face.

"I got your arms! What are you going to do now, human?"

"Depends on how violent you want this to get. No blood?"

"Of course not, silly! This is just between friends."

I twisted my legs sideways, giving me enough room to rip them out from under her. I wrapped them around her back and used my new leverage to swap our positions. Her back legs were free, but I used my arms to pin her front legs. "That," I answered, my face close to hers.

She… _nuzzled _me. I don't know if I can describe how that made me feel.

And then she proved that ponies actually _are _stronger than I am by throwing me clear off her. I didn't go far, and as soon as I touched dirt I jumped back to my feet. They might be stronger and heavier than I am, but I'll be damned if they're more agile.

I saw her getting to her feet. "That kind of smile isn't what I usually go for," she said, "but I'll take it!" I realized I was wearing a bit of a predatory grin. I was still feeling a bit awkward from being nuzzled—Taya had done it to me before, of course, but not like _that_—but my blood was staring to pump a bit, and I realized I was starting to feel a bit of what I had been missing ever since I got attacked in the forest.

I didn't have time to think on it, though, as she was attacking again. I dodged her pounce, since I had been expecting it. I quickly sat on her back before she could move or shift. "Going somewhere?" I asked.

She jumped straight up. I barely managed to hold on, and the fall hurt me in ways she couldn't understand. I still held on, though: I had done all of this before on the back of a pegasus when I had no wings. On the ground with wings—even if I couldn't currently use them—was cake.

Thankfully, the obvious answers of dropping sideways or jumping and landing on her back never occurred to her, or if they did she deemed them as too dangerous to me.

"That's not fair, Nav!" she finally said.

I patted her side in consolation. "You're stronger and heavier than I am. This seems fair enough to me."

"I'm not stronger than you are! And get off of me." After a pause, she added, "Please." I did.

"The vast majority of you ponies are physically stronger than I am," I said. "I am generally more agile, of course, and if we were in a real fight I would wager on me winning over most ponies any day. But for raw strength, I just can't compete."

"Aww, come on!" She dragged me over to a table nearby. I don't know if I had ever actually seen any ponies sitting at one of these tables; how would they get in? Or sit down?

She managed both, and pointed for me to sit on the other side. She put one of her front legs on the table. "Hoof wrestle!"

My hand fit nicely around her hoof. "Go!" It didn't take two seconds.

Her eyes were open rather wide at the end, too. "I always thought…" she tried, but stopped. "I thought you… What?"

I retrieved my arm. "I told you. I realized it my first week here. Ponies are just stronger than I am. I'm considerably more dangerous of course, but if any of you got me trapped or something I would be basically helpless. That's why I couldn't break free when you held me that night at your parents' farmhouse. Or when Fluttershy did the same a few weeks ago."

"Doesn't that bother you?" she asked.

"Not really. Most ponies wouldn't do that. It's different when I am a pony, of course—the magic gives me muscles to compensate."

"Hmm…" She got a look on her face that I wasn't quite comfortable with.

"Whatever you're thinking, I don't think I want to be involved."

"So you're saying you can't escape snuggles?" she asked, a scary smile forming on her face.

"Oh, I can. I just can't without turning violent." I pulled a knife out of my sleeve and slammed it into the table.

She gave it a dismissive look. "You wouldn't hurt me." I don't know if I like where this is going.

"And I don't think you'd do what you are thinking about doing."

She cleared the table to get to me, somehow. I don't know how she got her legs unstuck so fast or how she got over the knife without getting hurt, but suddenly we were both rolling in the dirt. To my credit, I ended up on top, but she had her legs completely wrapped around me, trapping my arms and my legs.

"Well, you have me stuck. But there's not much you can really do either, is there?"

Before she could answer someone nearby said, "What are you two doing?"

We both looked over to see Cheerilee leading a flock of kids around the park. _I guess this place doesn't have summer break._ We both answered hastily, "Wrestling." Pinkie Pie quickly let me go and we picked ourselves up.

Cheerilee gave us a look that told us she thought she knew better, but didn't comment. I've had a few conversations in the past with her, and I really like her: She actually has a brain, and uses it quite often. Twilight is intelligent of course, but Cheerilee was smart. If that makes any sense.

Thankfully, none of the kids thought anything of what they saw. _Most _of them were used to me by now. I pried the knife out of the table before too many of them could see it, and Cheerilee gave me a thankful nod when I put it up.

Pinkie Pie asked, "So what are you doing out here today, Ms. Cheerilee?"

"Oh, it's just too nice of a day to stay cooped up in a classroom. I figured a day in the park would be welcome." Judging by the sounds the kids were making and how much fun they looked like they were having, I agreed. "So Navarone, I hear you're now a knight for Princess Luna. I don't suppose you'd have any stories you could tell my students?"

"No offense, ma'am, but I don't think any of the stories I have to tell are the kinds of things you want your students hearing. I do jobs the princesses don't want to give to ponies, if you know what I mean." I tapped the sleeve where she saw me put the knife to make sure she got it.

"Oh come on, Nav!" Pinkie Pie said, slapping my back weakly, probably trying to make sure she doesn't hurt my 'fragile human body.' "Surely you can leave some parts out!"

I made sure there weren't any kids around. "Well, let's see… There's the time I got mauled in the forest. There's the time I killed a bunch of people in Egypt, and the second time I killed a bunch of people in Egypt. There's the time I failed my duty in Maris and Blueblood almost died because of it. I suppose we could mention the time I killed a bunch of naga, and call that a job for Celestia since it _did _benefit her. I could tell them about the time I met a dragon in the forest—and this isn't be sarcastic, either; he was a good fellow. I heard all of Ponyville was terrified when we flew over on the way to Canterlot."

"That was _you_?" Cheerilee gasped.

"No, that was a _dragon_," Pinkie Pie answered. "Navarone is a bit too small for that."

"I was in his talons at the time, actually. He was an old friend of Luna's and wanted to talk with her again, so I reintroduced the two."

"Hm…" Cheerilee mused, "You could tell that story, actually. Not the others, of course, but that one would be fine. Can you make it sound… interesting?"

"I probably could, but there really isn't that much to it. Luna asked me to explore the forest a while back. I found a few ruins, a few unique magical artifacts of great power, all manner of nasty critters, and several caves. One of the caves was full of jewels. I knew as soon as I saw them that I was probably done for, since that many jewels means a very large and powerful dragon. I was right about the dragon, but wrong about being dead. He was lonely, and wanted to talk. In our talks I mentioned that I was a friend of the princesses, and we got to talking about them. I got a hug from Luna and a short break in Canterlot out of it."

"Wait… What was that part about the magical artifacts?" Cheerilee asked.

I shrugged. "This isn't a story I can tell your students, but I found a repository of artifacts in the forest. The guardian of the artifacts gave me three: A key that can open any lock, a ring that cancels magic, and a pair of stones that change gender."

"And why can't you tell my students that story? It sounds interesting enough."

"Because you know three of them in particular will rush off to try to find that cache of artifacts."

She grimaced slightly. "Yes, I think I know which three you're talking about. Though I am somewhat surprised they don't already know; most of the stories that get told in my classroom about you come from them. Of course, most of what they say is obviously false. I mean, there's no way the princess would ever do something as base as personally staring down an enemy general!"

"That story is actually kind of true," I said. "But I don't know how they learned about it; I sure as hell didn't tell them anything about that. What really happened is that the army I was leading got trapped in a city between the hostile deserts and freedom, with a larger, stronger, and better equipped opposing army on the freedom side. We had no chance of fighting our way through, and trying to defend the entire city would be impossible with our numbers. I figured it was time for a bit of help, and used Spike to send a message to Celestia, begging for aid. She teleported to me, and we took the leader of the resistance with us to meet the enemy general. He took one look at Celestia and pulled his entire army away. My army marched right out of Egypt with all our civilians in tow."

"See, now _that _is the kind of story you can tell my students!" she said. "It's historically accurate, paints a good view of the princess, and it ends peacefully!"

"It sure as hell didn't start peacefully. We killed a few hundred people forcing the city. I don't even _know _what our losses were, but I don't think they were that bad. The city guards were pretty demoralized by…" I saw her face shrink a bit with every word. "Well, never mind about that. My second trip to Egypt was pretty boring, but probably even more important: I dropped off the Equestrian ambassador and guarded her until Egypt was made almost completely safe for ponies."

Pinkie Pie added, "Which thanks to you wasn't that long anyway! See, Nav? You're important."

"Yeah, I admit that I sped up the process a bit by discovering those assassins. Damn near killed me, but they definitely got the short end of the stick on that one. Helped uncover a traitor, though, and that ended the threat quickly enough."

"You've definitely lived an interesting life," Cheerilee said. "But I'm not certain any of that is suitable for my students."

I shrugged. "I didn't think so. I tend to do the kinds of jobs that no one likes remembering needed done. Maybe someone will put me in a history textbook sometime."

"Hm… I don't mean to offend, by why do you say things like some_one_ and no _one _rather than somepony and no pony?" she asked.

"I grew up in a world where ponies are mindless animals and humans were the only race with sentience or sapience. That's what we say there, and I've never adapted to what is said here."

I saw a light flick on in her head. Not literally, in this case, but figuratively. "Do you think you could tell any stories about your home, then?"

"I don't want these kids scared of me. Stories of that place would probably be worse than any of the stories I have from here. Though with my entire history to work with, I suppose I could tell of other stuff; we _are _a hell of a lot more technologically advanced than you are. If you think Rainbow Dash flies fast, you would be in for a surprise. We have machines that make her look like she's standing still. And if you think Twilight is smart, we have machines that make her look like an idiot. We have machines that farm better and faster than Applejack, and make better products from the crops as well. We have machines that can mass-produce any manner of clothing and just about anything else. When I left we didn't have anything that could match Pinkie Pie for parties, though, or Fluttershy for caring for animals."

"I'm sure you didn't have anything that could match Ms. Cheerilee in teaching, either!" chimed in Applebloom, who materialized at my side with no other warning.

"Not really," I answered, "but we did have machines that made lessons more accessible to students that couldn't get to the classroom. It's still nothing on personal contact, but it is better than nothing."

"Now girls, what have I told you about eavesdropping?" Cheerilee asked them in a disapproving voice.

"Not to do it," they all three answered in a sad voice. I noticed then that the other two had joined us.

Pinkie Pie suddenly shot up a foot or so, "Oooh oooh, I have an idea!" _Oh God_. "I know all of Nav's stories! And he knows all of his stories! What if I told them and he acted them out?" _Oh God_ doesn't even begin to cover it.

The three girls all looked disturbingly excited by that. Even Cheerilee got a bit of a smile on her face at the thought. "You know," she said, "that might work! What do you think, girls?"

They all nodded happily, voicing all manner of approval.

I tried saying, "I'm not much of an actor…" That was kind of a lie. Except instead of 'kind of,' it was definitely a lie.

Fucking Pinkie Pie, man… "You're a great actor, Nav! Don't you remember your first Gala when you pretended to be Z?" Her hooves immediately went to her mouth and her eyes went wide.

I softly answered, "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

Cheerilee responded, "_You _were Z? How is that possible?"

Louder, I said, "I'm afraid I _don't know what you're talking about._" I gave Pinkie Pie a bit of a nasty glare.

Unfortunately, the girls have about as much impulse control as Pinkie Pie. Applebloom mused aloud, "You _did _match the description Twilight gave us all of Z when you were a pony…"

Sweetie Belle continued that speculation, "And he did seem to know a lot about Twilight…"

Scootaloo threw a bit of a wrench in it, though, "But Z had a cutie mark! When Nav was a pony he didn't."

"What do you mean, when he was a pony?" Cheerilee asked. "Hasn't he always been a human?"

"Sort of," I said. "There was an accident a few years ago that turned me into a pony for a week. You might have seen me around town; I was a white pegasus with brown hair, wearing a dark cloak." She shrugged. "Either way, I was a blank flank, as Scootaloo said. Now girls, go on and play for a while." They looked at Cheerilee. She nodded.

When they were out of earshot, Cheerilee cheerily asked, "So, how was it, being Z?"

"Pretty fun, actually," I answered. "And this conversation doesn't leave this circle, either. I don't want any bloody pony suitors outside my door thinking I'll turn into Z for them."

"I can certainly understand that," Cheerilee muttered. Louder, she continued, "So when do you two want to put on the show?"

"I don't rem—" I started saying, but Pinkie Pie interrupted me.

"We can do it right now!"

"Hm… I did promise the kids we would do something educational in the park today… I suppose a recent history lesson would be as good as botany." She started calling all the kids up. "Who wants to hear a story?"

Most of them seemed relatively ambivalent.

"It's story time or botany time," she told them flatly. "Your pick."

"So what's the story about?" some bitchy sounding little filly asked. _Diamond Tiara, I presume?_ I had heard a few stories about this wee little lass from the trio of terror. She's a typical spoiled brat. All she'll be good for is a trophy wife, I suppose, if she has the looks for it; I don't pretend to be a judge of looks for ponies, especially not one as young as this.

Cheerilee opened her mouth to respond—hopefully in a relatively rude manner, as I would have to such impertinence—when Pinkie Pie cut her off, "An epic of love and sorrow, war and peace," she kept going on for a little while. Cheerilee stood gaping.

I leant down a bit and whispered to her, "Pinkie Pie is telling this story, not me. Blame her if anything goes wrong."

She blinked and turned her head to respond, when Pinkie Pie finally got to the point, "Starring Ponyville's very own Sir Navarone!"

She waved me forward. All the little ones looked to me expectantly. I decided to say something, to make it at least look like what was coming might be interesting: "My apologies for not having all of my weapons to use as props; a lot of them were recently destroyed in the forest while I was fending off an Ursa Minor and a few Timberwolves."

That got a few gasps. One little colt asked, "What happened?"

"I found a few critters trying to attack Fluttershy in the Everfree Forest. I helped her escape. She got out fine. Me…" I held up my left hand so they could see the difference in my finger lengths, "…I wasn't so lucky." There were murmurs in the little crowd. "Go ahead and begin your tale, Pinkie. I'll just follow along, making do with what I have."

Pinkie Pie gave a very abridged version of some of my adventures. We press-ganged Cheerilee into helping us with some parts; she ended up playing a few cats, Celestia, a naga, a dancing partner or two, and a dragon. I used knives to simulate swords and I threw them to simulate my crossbow. Pinkie Pie certainly painted me as a lot more of a hero than I really was.

Of course, a lot of the kids had already heard some of the stories, but I don't think any of them had heard all of them. We all got a bit of applause at the end. I heard clopping coming from above me as well, and looked up to see Rainbow Dash peeking down through the cloud.

Then we all had to answer questions, of course. Diamond Tiara's hoof shot up first, and Cheerilee called on her. "So if you saved a little filly from Egypt and brought her here, why isn't she in school?"

"That's an excellent question," Cheerilee said. "Navarone?"

I shrugged. "She's being taught by Twilight. Unicorns that want to learn more about their magic go through a special learning cycle. Ms. Cheerilee isn't qualified to teach it, I'm afraid."

"Ms. Cheerilee's a perfect teacher!" one of the kids answered somewhat angrily.

"A perfect teacher without magic," I said. "You wouldn't expect her to be able to teach Scootaloo how to fly, would you?"

I heard a little gray filly sitting next to Diamond Tiara whisper loudly, "I don't expect anypony to be able to teach _her _how to fly!" She got a lot of laughs and a few glares. Cheerilee either didn't hear or pretended to not hear.

"But we never even see Taya!" Diamond Tiara continued. "She can't _always _be learning."

I shrugged again. "Have you been looking for her?" That shut her up well enough. "Well, there you go. I know Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have met her. If they can do it, surely the rest of you can as well, if you wish to. Any other questions?"

There were a few more questions that I answered handily enough. One little unicorn colt asked Cheerilee if I could lead a field trip into the forest. His cutie mark was a fucking snail, which really didn't make any sense to me. Cheerilee said no. A disturbingly high number of kids expressed disappointment at that. _Are these kids retarded? Or did Pinkie Pie make the forest sound that interesting?_

The rest of the questions were pretty standard, with a few disturbing ones about my relationship with the princesses, which I lied about. Kids aren't supposed to think about stuff like that.

"Now what do we say to our guests?" Cheerilee finally asked when there were no more hooves in the air. They all chorused a 'thank you.' Cheerilee looked at the big clock mounted on a building in town and said way too happily, "And we have just enough time to get started on a botany study!" There was a chorus of boos. Pinkie Pie and I decided it might be best if we found ourselves somewhere else.

We got to the edge of the park when Rainbow Dash joined us. "You know, Pinkie, that isn't how _I _remember some of that stuff."

"We don't want to give them nightmares, Dashie!" she responded. "I know I had a few bad dreams after the naga experience…" And she wasn't even involved with the killing. I noticed at that point the direction we were walking in; Rainbow Dash and I had just been following Pinkie Pie. She was leading us straight to Applejack's farm.

"Besides," I said, "I'd much rather have the kids think I'm a hero than a monster. So they get a romanticized version of the truth; humans have been doing that to kids forever."

"Yeah, and look how you all turn out," Rainbow Dash replied. "Maybe if you told your foals the truth about stuff like that, maybe there wouldn't be so much violence in your world."

I shrugged. "I don't rightly know; I never had a kid to raise. I haven't sugarcoated much of anything with Taya, since I know she's mature enough to take the truth."

"You really should give her more sweets, Nav!" Pinkie Pie said. "I know they're not the healthiest, but they taste great!"

_Wha—oh_. "Different kind of sugarcoating, Pinkie," I said. "I tell her most things as they happened, rather than how everyone wished they had happened." Well, everyone except the guy that lost.

"And she's turning out well enough!" Rainbow Dash said. "A little bit of an egghead, but I'm sure she'll grow out of that a bit. Twilight just keeps her cooped up too much."

"Twilight is also getting a hell of a lot of results, though; Taya is getting very powerful very fast."

"But if she doesn't have any friends, what does it all matter?" Pinkie Pie asked.

"Bugger all if I know," I said with a sigh. "I tried to get her to make some, but you can't force something like that. The only pony she's really close with is Twilight. Hell, she _dislikes _Celestia and Luna for taking up so much of my time."

They both gasped at that. "How can you…" Pinkie Pie started, horrified

"Dislike the Princess!" Rainbow Dash finished, angry.

I shrugged. "You gotta remember, Taya didn't exactly grow up in a place that was friendly toward Celestia. A few of the ponies I met there actually really, _really _hated her, though most of them changed their tune as soon as the ban on them leaving was lifted. It's possible her parents spoke ill of Celestia before they disappeared."

"That's awful!" Pinkie Pie said in an incredibly depressed tone. "Everypony loves Princess Celestia!"

"How could you not?" Rainbow Dash asked. "She's so awesome!" _I could think a few ways._

"Well, I'm the only real parent Taya has anymore, and Celestia keeps making me leave to do some inane task or another. Taya just wants to spend more time with me, but Celestia is making that hard. I know most ponies do like Celestia, and for good cause, but there will always be some that disagree."

"I'm sure we can teach Taya how great of a pony Princess Celestia is," Rainbow Dash said. "We can start right after we get back from… where _are _we going, anyway?"

Rainbow Dash finally started paying attention to where we were headed. By then, though, it was too late: "There you are!" Applejack shouted, galloping up to us. Rainbow Dash frantically looked for a place to hide, and decided to settle on hiding behind me. Why, I don't know.

For some reason, Applejack decided to continue her pounce, despite obviously seeing me in the way. So she jumped on me and I tripped over Rainbow Dash and we all three ended up in the dirt.

"So how about getting off of me?" I finally asked, after making sure I was okay.

"Simple as that?" Applejack asked.

"Simple as that," I confirmed. "I don't particularly want to wrestle." Especially not after what happened the last time.

"Fair enough." I think she was thinking the same thing. She jumped off me. I got up, pushing myself off Rainbow Dash. She got up last. "After all, you did find Dashie for me!" Applejack put a leg around Rainbow Dash's shoulders.

"And I helped!" Pinkie Pie said, jumping in and wearing a wide smile.

"Thanks, Pinkie," Rainbow Dash said through gritted teeth.

Applejack started leading Rainbow Dash away. We heard her say, "Now here's how you're gonna pay me back," before they were out of earshot.

I turned around and started heading for the town. After a second's pause, Pinkie Pie joined me, bouncing along as she normally does. "So what do you want to do now, Nav?"

I had started to feel a few hunger pangs over the past hour or so, ever since Pinkie showed up. She always has the smell of freshly baked goods about her, which might be why. Either way, I knew that it had been a few days since I had eaten much of anything, so it was probable I was actually getting hungry. I opened my mouth to tell her that I was hungry when she said, "I know! Let's eat!"

So I just said, "Sure."

"We'll have to actually make stuff first, though… Do you know how to cook?"

"Nope. Do you?" I knew full well that she did.

"Yep! Let's go!" She started bouncing faster. I sighed and took my ring off to keep up with her easier.

Long story short, she taught me how to cook cupcakes. They were slightly singed, but nothing inedible.

Now, someone reading through these journals might wonder how I was able to teach Pinkie how to make something when I first got here and not know a damn thing now. My answer to that is, have you ever tried using a skill you haven't used in three or so years? I had forgotten all the rudimentary cooking I knew, all the basic physics and calculus I knew, and all manner of other stuff besides. Of course, anyone reading through these journals would be a bad person anyway, and probably doesn't deserve to have anything explained to them, but I suppose some allowances must be made.


	45. Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Three—Weed and promises made

A few days after that, I made one last short trip to the forest. I stayed just long enough to grab some stuff I had seen growing there. When I got what I needed, I sauntered back into town with a smile on my face.

I think I was humming lyrics to a song I hadn't heard in a while. _Green and purple, green and purple…_

I went straight to the library and grabbed one of my knives. I cut the plant up a bit and mashed it down. I repeated that process a few times before I left it out to dry in the sun for an hour. Then I went to find some paper.

I rolled the first doobie ever seen in Equestria.

"Hey Spike, you want to help me test something?"

He was currently cleaning a part of the library that no one but Twilight ever uses. He was not really enjoying it. Spike looked up at me for a moment before turning back to the case he was cleaning. With a shrug he turned and said, "Sure. What do you need?"

I smiled. "I need you to light something on fire and then smoke it for me. Outside, though; I know better about doing this shit in a tree that seconds as a library."

"What does 'smoke' mean?" he asked as I led the way to the door.

"You inhale the smoke into your lungs. It'll feel uncomfortable the first few times, but if I'm right you'll soon get over it."

"And why can't you do it?"

We were outside now. "Because I'm the scientist. I want to see what happens." He shrugged. I handed him the joint. "Light it here," I said, pointing at the tip. "Don't burn too much of it." He did. "Now, put your mouth here," I said pointing, "And gently suck in. Be prepared, because you're probably going to cough."

He slowly inhaled and was able to hold it in for a moment before expelling it all in a massive cough fit. "Nav… What _is _thi—woah. Wooooooaaaaahhhhhh… I feel strange, man."

"Keep smoking it, Spike. I want to see what'll happen." He did. I could smell the smoke from here. It was definitely marijuana that I found. And God, it was _dank_! If he got as blasted as he did from one puff… Though he was still pretty small.

The joint was about half gone before Spike forgot what he was supposed to be doing. "Nav, why do I feel like—Oh, hi Pinkie." I could tell from his voice that he was _gone_.

Wait, did he say—"Hi Spike! And hi Nav! What are you two doing?" Pinkie asked with her usual boundless enthusiasm.

"Spike is testing another human drug for me," I answered. "Spike, how do you feel?"

"Like, far out, dude." I couldn't help but laugh at that. He sounded so stoned!

Pinkie was looking at the joint. "So what does it do?"

"It mellows you out a whole lot," I answered. "I think Spike as had enough." I removed the joint from his limp fingers.

"Oooh, can I try?" Pinkie begged.

"Do you have anything important to do today?"

"Welllll… Nope!"

I thought for a moment. It would be absolutely hilarious to have a high Pinkie Pie. I shrugged. "Alright." I told her how to smoke it and how it worked. Soon enough she was giggling just like Spike. "Welp, you're both baked."

Pinkie's eyes lit up. "Baking! Oh, I'm _soooo _hungry right now! Spike, you wanna go bake some cupcakes?"

He jerked a bit and started giggling like mad. He barely managed to force out a one-word answer of "Yes."

"No," I said to them both. "You can have whatever you want from the bakery on my treat, but you aren't going to be operating an oven while like this."

"Aww," they both groaned.

And then Pinkie's eyes lit up again. "_Your _treat?" she said with a grin.

_Well, there went the tournament money_. I nodded. With that, Pinkie paused long enough to attach Spike to her tail before shooting off to Sugarcube Corner. I sighed and went to grab some bits before letting Twilight know where Spike was going and letting Taya know where I was going. I didn't mention the fact that Spike was baked, though I think they both noticed the smell.

By the time I got to the bakery, it was almost too late to recover the situation. Pretty much everything pre-prepared was gone, and Mr. Cake was currently fending off a hungry dragon from the last things in the shop.

He was doing a pretty good job, until Pinkie popped out of the ceiling above the table and devoured half of everything by distending her jaw somehow in what was probably one of the creepiest things I've seen her do.

That made Spike giggle, which made Mr. Cake turn around and just gape. While his back was turned, Spike slipped past him to the table and began munching on some more stuff.

"Well damn," I said, eyeing the carnage. "Yo Mr. Cake, sorry about this. I got it covered." I pulled out all the bits I had on me. I don't know how many it was. "For everything in the shop they ate and the psychological damage that came with it."

He walked up to me, shaking his head. "I don't know what came over them! Spike has always been so polite… And Pinkie has always been… Well, Pinkie, but she works here, for Celestia's sake!"

"Yeah, that's kinda my fault. I was testing something on them and... Well, it worked. I forgot about Pinkie's ability to distort reality. It might be even more powerful right now. Hey, do you know a way to keep someone with the mental capacity of a brilliant toddler occupied for a few hours?"

He looked at me oddly. "I'm a _parent_, Nav." _Oh yeah._ "Give them some string. A lot of it."

"Thanks. Now where the hell am I going to get some string?"

He shrugged. "Not my problem. I need to clean up this mess."

We looked around. Pinkie and Spike were sitting next to a table, holding massively distended bellies. They were both smiling, looking extremely satisfied.

Aside from them, the shop looked like it was in tatters. "You two are probably the most active high people I have ever seen."

They started giggling again. "He thinks we're…" Pinkie started before lapsing into another fit.

"PEOPLE!" Spike finished before bursting out laughing. Pinkie joined him in the deeper laughter. Mr. Cake just shook his head before grabbing a broom.

I threw Spike over my shoulder and grabbed Pinkie's tail, dragging her out the door behind me. I don't know how I was able to drag her, but like I've said before: Physics is more of a suggestion in this world than anything else.

She was able to stand up eventually on her own power, and she trailed behind me, looking around at everything with a massive smile on her face. I let Spike down shortly after, though he quickly clambered up on Pinkie, and joined her in watching the world with wonder-filled eyes.

The ponies around us were creeped the fuck out.

I led them to Rarity's shop, since I knew I could get some string there. I stopped a few feet from the door. _I shouldn't bring Spike in front of Rarity like this. How can I keep two high people occupied and out of trouble for a few hours?_

The answer was simple: Put them to sleep. I reversed my direction and started going to the library. Twilight probably knew a spell to knock them both right out. I had to gently tug Pinkie's hair to get her following me again.

She didn't much like the stairs in front of the library. She spent nearly a minute trying to get up them before she finally managed. She was giggling the whole time. I led the way inside, shutting the door behind her and Spike.

Unfortunately, Twilight was not there. Thankfully, Taya was. "Hey Taya, have you learned any spells to put people to sleep?"

She nodded, watching Pinkie stare at the horse statue in the center of the library. "Are they okay?"

"Yeah, I just tested a human drug on them. It worked, but I don't feel like babysitting them for a few hours. Just put them to sleep, it should wear off by tomorrow."

Her horn glowed and Pinkie dropped to the floor, dead asleep. Spike had time to bundle up in her fluffy hair before passing out. "Thanks. They'll be fine there, right?"

She shrugged. "What did you test on them?"

"Something called marijuana. Between that and alcohol, I could probably become a very rich man. I might find some for Scratch next time I see her, see if she's interested in learning how to grow that stuff."

"So what does it do?"

"Mellows a person out completely. It usually acts as a sedative and it can make someone really hungry."

"What kind of effect does it have on magic?"

"Fuck all if I know. I bet it would be funny watching a unicorn trying to cast something like that, though. I think I still have some more left, if you want to try."

"Will it hurt me?"

"It didn't hurt Pinkie. It'll take a little while to prepare, though; I have to get as much of the moisture out of it as possible."

She smiled. "That'll be easy. I can just warm it up with magic."

"…Right. That." I still get uncomfortable when I remember that my daughter is a unicorn. I went up to my room and grabbed some more of the plant. I grabbed a few full plants out of the forest, and I only used a bit of one to make the first joint. I brought some down for Taya and crushed it up in front of her. She warmed it, quickly drying it.

"I really don't want you smoking anything, but… Well, once shouldn't hurt." I grabbed some more paper and rolled her a joint. "Don't tell Twilight about this, by the way," I warned.

She smiled and nodded. I led us outside. "Here, light the tip of this on fire." She did. "Now put your mouth around the other tip and suck in gently. You'll probably cough the first time." She breathed in and held it for a moment before gently exhaling. This doobie wasn't nearly as fat as the one I rolled Spike, and it didn't take her that long to finish it off.

And she was really high, too. It was nice, seeing her with that kind of smile on her face. "I love you, daddy," she said as she picked me up with magic and gently laid me on the floor. That done, she climbed up on my back and rolled into a ball of sorts.

"Well, that's really cute," I said aloud, reaching into my pocket for my ring. I slipped it out and set it on Taya's horn. "But I'm not going to let you have magic right now, I'm afraid."

She sighed.

"It's not a punishment, of course. I just don't want to risk you hurting anyone." Namely, me.

"I understand, daddy," she sighed, curling tighter.

The look on Twilight's face when she walked in was priceless. "Nav, I've seen you do some weird things. And I've heard of you doing stranger. But what in Celestia's name is going on?"

Taya had fallen asleep at some point. I slowly rolled over and picked her up and set her down next to Pinkie. "I was testing a human drug," I said by way of answer. I plucked the ring off Taya's horn. "It worked. It worked very well."

She looked down at the pile and sighed. "What did you do this time?"

"Something called marijuana. It calms you down and acts as a major sedative and pain killer. It was used recreationally back where I came from. Its side effects were debated, so I don't feel like telling you about them and risk lying. It shouldn't be wildly addictive, but that doesn't mean a dependency can't occur. It's not good for you, but at the same time it shouldn't do anything to put you in the hospital. There was a debate going on about whether or not it could be used to treat cancer, but it was definitely good for fighting pain. Oh, and it was incredibly illegal for some reason." I shrugged. "Nothing that bad."

She was okay until that last point. "_Illegal_? I thought you said you wouldn't bring any illegal drugs here!"

"No, I said I wouldn't bring any drugs here at all. I just got bored. I already lied about the alcohol, so I didn't figure lying about some Mary Jane would be all that bad either."

She sighed. "And who is Mary Jane?"

"Another name for marijuana. Humans have a lot of names for things."

"Well, this one doesn't sound _too _harmful. And if you were willing to give it to your daughter… I'll let it slide. Just warn me next time! I want to be there to help in case anything goes wrong!"

I shrugged. "Fair enough. Hey, I still have some upstairs if you want to try it."

"Not interested. I still remember my time with alcohol. I spent a day nursing a headache and fixing Ponyville."

"Suit yourself. I don't like doing that to myself either. Since Spike is out for the count, you need my help with anything?"

I spent the rest of the day helping her.

When Pinkie woke up, I pulled her aside from the groggy Spike and yawning Taya. "Hey Pinkie, you wanna know something really cool about that drug I gave you?"

"What's that, Nav?"

I smiled. "You can bake it into brownies, and you won't notice the taste until you're already high."

Her smile matched my own. "Prank time?" she asked.

"Prank time," I answered. I had already prepared the rest of my small stash, and gave it to her with a bit of instructions. She ran off into the night, giggling like a madpony.

The next day, half of Ponyville came down with a serious case of baked-off-the-ass. It was hilarious. Spike and I walked around town the entire day, messing with people. We saw Pinkie and Rainbow Dash doing the same thing, and greeted them with bro-fists.

"Well Nav," Rainbow was saying, "you've pulled pranks with me—and on me—in the past, but this takes the cake!"

"Or the brownie," Pinkie said with a giggle.

"That too," Rainbow continued. "But this… this is awesome! We have half the town completely out of it! I saw Applejack hugging a tree and apologizing for bucking it so much. Big Mac was actually crying at her shoulder for a moment before joining her in hugging it!"

"And I saw Lyra using her hooves to try to play her lyre," Pinkie said. "I don't know how she was expecting to play it, but she had such a massive smile on that I couldn't bother her."

I said, "I heard Zecora talking earlier. Normally she rhymes in a simple pattern, but today she was changing patterns every few sentences. I think she even stopped rhyming, at one point!"

Spike said, "Twilight was trying to study today, but every time she pulled out a book she forgot what she was looking for. After half an hour she finally gave up and just built a book fort. When I left she was gearing up for a siege by the pony-head statue."

"Well guys," I said, "I think we can all agree that today has been a good day." They all nodded, smiling. "And if anyone asks what the hell happened, no one says a damn thing. Right?" They all nodded again.

That really was an awesome day, though. And the best part is that no repercussions ever came from it, though Twilight did give me the stink eye for a while.

Oh, and given that no one knew when Taya's birthday was, Pinkie decided to have it on the day I found her, which was sometime in June. I don't keep specific records of shit like that, so we had it in the middle of June.

It was alright. We also didn't know how old she was, but Twilight was able to form a rough guess, though no one told me and they always seemed to ignore me when I asked.

Seriously, how old are some of these damn ponies?

The day of the Gala dawned bright and clear, with nary a blemish of cloud in the sky. I was wearing my armor, since this was a formal event and Luna told me to. I obliged, since I knew she could make my life hard. And since I knew Twilight would make my life hard if I didn't.

Eight of us were going to this one: Twilight and her crew of pony friends, me, and Spike. Taya was invited, but she decided against it. I was a little bit thankful for that, because I knew she would likely end up being next to me the entire night, and I was kind of hoping to have a chance to talk with a few people—and then spend the night alone in the garden.

All of Twilight's friends aside from Rarity were quite surprised to see me wearing my armor. "Geez, Nav!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, "What did the princess have to threaten you with to get you to put that hunk of metal on?"

I faked a shudder. "Guard duty," I answered. Rarity smiled while the rest looked confused.

"What's so bad about guarding the princess?" Pinkie Pie asked. "That sounds like the easiest job ever!"

"Yeah," Applejack confirmed. "Ain't no pony gonna attack her!"

"And if anypony does, she'll use her magic to stop them before you can even move!" Rainbow Dash finished.

"Exactly," I answered. "It's boring as hell. I had to do it once as a punishment and it was the most boring thing I've had to do since I helped Twilight in Egypt."

"Hey, that was very interesting!" Twilight said, coming out of her dressing room. We were all at Rarity's shop, getting dressed and ready to go.

"Yeah, if you're an egghead!" Rainbow Dash answered. Twilight rolled her eyes while the rest of us giggled a bit.

"So when is our carriage supposed to get here?" Rarity finally asked, after we were all set to go.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Twilight said. She led us outside. "They should be here any moment now."

"'They' who?" I asked.

"Just wait a few minutes. They'll get here and then you'll see."

I would have sat on the ground to wait, but that didn't work well in my armor or with the axe I had on my back. I was saved the need to wait by a sight in the sky.

The rest of them noticed it as well. "Is that…" Spike whispered.

"Princess Luna?" Rarity finished, sounding a bit hopeful.

It certainly looked like the chariot she used all those years ago, when she visited us during the Nightmare Night festival. It got closer and I realized that it _was _the chariot, but that there wasn't a princess in it.

"It's her personal chariot," I said.

"Yup!" Twilight answered. "I mentioned to Princess Celestia that we didn't really have any transportation in mind. She apparently mentioned it to Princess Luna, who decided to lend us her own chariot, since she hasn't used it in so long." A few of us knew the reason she hadn't, but the rest were clueless.

The chariot with its strange night guards landed without making a single sound. The guards never uttered a whisper and their footfalls were oddly muted. The chariot itself never once rattled or creaked. It was pretty awesome. Or at least, a few of us thought so.

"A-a-are you sure about this, Twilight?" Fluttershy asked, looking at the thing with fear in her eyes.

"Absolutely!" Twilight answered. "Princess Luna wouldn't ride in something that might hurt anypony."

"Don't worry about it, darling," Rarity added. "I met Princess Luna during my last trip to Canterlot. She's a wonderful pony! Good sense of humor, kind, respectful. I imagine she'd be able to be a good friend to anypony."

Hearing Rarity say that assuaged the fear of the rest of them, who all piled on with ease. Fluttershy still looked at it a bit hesitantly, though. The guards were just staring straight ahead. I sighed and put my hand on Fluttershy's back and bent down to whisper in her ear, "You can sit next to me."

She blinked, and then shifted her gaze to her friends rather than the chariot. After a moment she slowly boarded. I pulled myself up next to her, sitting on the edge; with all eight of us, it was a bit of a tight fit. I was hoping the guards would be able to carry us.

"We're all set!" Spike announced, taking the position of the driver. I think he was too afraid to pull out any kind of whip on _these _pullers, but he also didn't need to. As soon as they were told to go, they went.

I don't think I'll ever get used to riding in a chariot flying above the clouds. But then, I didn't think I would be able to get used to a lot of things. Namely, the fact that I was sitting next to several talking ponies, two of which could fly and two of which could do magic. And a dragon, of course. I suppose as time goes by you can get used to anything.

We made pretty good time, thankfully. Rarity was complaining about her hair getting messed up in the wind, but she got over it. I really don't know why they all decided to go this time, but whatever. I suppose Rarity wanted to talk to her snooty friends and Twilight was going out of obligation. But the rest? Meh.

When we got off the chariot, the guards flew it away before we could even say thanks. We missed the start of the Gala, but based on my… performance… during the last Gala that might have been a good thing. We got into the party with absolutely no fanfare, other than a few ponies looking up to see who was opening the door.

My first goal was to get out to the garden. My second goal was to stay there all night until this thing was over.

I failed at both. Rarity immediately took me in hoof and dragged me off to see some of her rich people. I suppose the rest of the friends either scattered or stuck together; I don't really know. I do know that I could feel Spike's eyes boring a hole in my head, which was somewhat amusing.

Thankfully, Rarity led me to Fancy Pants instead of any of the other annoying ponies we had dealt with. "Ah, Navarone!" he said. "It is good to see you again! Your work for the princess goes well, I hope?"

"As well as any endeavors in that damnable forest." I showed him what was left of my finger and he grimaced slightly. Thankfully, I was able to still use my gauntlets well enough. "The rest of the damage has healed, but I fear I'll be missing this finger for a good little while."

"Unfortunately, your line of work has an uncomforting rate of attrition. With as long as you spent in that dark place, you are lucky that was the only thing you lost."

"Don't I know it…" We shared a moment of silence, which Rarity decided to interrupt.

"So Fancy Pants, what all do you have planned for the Gala, and for the next few months?"

He started going over a list of engagements and plans and whatnot that I didn't feel like remembering long enough to write down. He finished with, "And of course you are both invited. I know the princess keeps you busy, Navarone, but surely you get some time off. And Rarity, I know you live in that little village, but it isn't that long of a ride from there to here."

I said, "I don't know what kind of assignment I'll get until I get it; Celestia does not believe in giving me advanced notices." I saw Fancy Pants look behind me and saw his face completely drop. "Of course," I added, knowing exactly who I would see if I turned around, "I don't suppose I can complain since I haven't asked her to."

"You're too savvy for your own good, Nav," Celestia said behind me. "Fancy Pants, Rarity. I fear I must borrow Navarone for a few moments."

"Your grace," and "Yes, Princess," answered her.

I turned and followed her. I didn't bother slipping on the ring; she wouldn't be hurting me in a setting as public as this. Then again, we didn't appear to be heading towards a place that had a very public setting: She was leading me to a hall that led to a place I had grown quite familiar with.

"Celestia, I really hate this sitting room. Can we have this talk or whatever somewhere else?"

"You're so picky, Nav. The layout of this room was designed with you in mind, you know."

"That's somewhat disturbing, but given one of my recent talks with Luna I suppose it is understandable."

She grimaced. "Yes, that is what I wish to discuss." She pushed the door open and led the way in. I followed with a sigh. She walked over to a couch and sat, nodding me to a chair. I sat across from her. "So you figured it out. I knew the ruse was nearing an end when you confronted me about it, so I told Luna to tell you all about it when you mentioned it to her. I understand if you are angry with me, but I know Luna explained the reasoning. If you don't trust her by now I know you won't trust me when I say the same thing."

"I'm not angry. Disappointed, yes. Confused, a little. You heard about me from Twilight and, never having met me yourself, decided you were going to practically give your sister to me like she was a whore." She flinched a bit at that. "That's kinda fucked up, Celestia. Especially since you were going to try to use me as a warrior or whatever. I'm not disappointed or whatever that you tried to use me—hell, I can understand why you did. I'm just somewhat confused as to why you thought you had to try to use me instead of just asking for my help."

"I'm sad to say that this wouldn't have been the strangest thing I've done—or Luna has done—in order to help my ponies. It might have been one of the more successful things, despite how badly the plot worked out. My little sister finally has a chance at love and you have a chance to fix your mind even more with her help. As to not asking you for help… Well, you would have said no. Even after all we tried, you still were reluctant to help us. You did, of course, but you always complained and did your best to weasel out of it." She smiled. "Of course, in the end you tend to do better than we expected." Her smile dropped. "Even if you are way too crafty. We thought we finally had you with those oaths, Nav. And now that you know what we were doing, I don't think it will be that effective anymore. I fear I'll have to figure out more ways to get you to do as I say."

"I'm sure you already have some things in mind. You can't exactly threaten me with prison anymore, given that I'm a knight, Luna loves me, half of the guards are on my side, and Luna basically admitted that you were bluffing all those times. And without that horrid spell you cast on me for the Maris party and the wedding, you can't exactly seduce me. Still, I'm sure you'll manage somehow. I've a long life to live, and this world seems to be getting warmed up."

"Come now, Nav! You shouldn't look at it that way. Think of it as a game, if that makes you feel better. I try to find ways to get you to do things you know you shouldn't need persuading to do, and you do your best to pretend you aren't going to do it until you finally give in. Doesn't that seem fun?"

"When you put it that way… no, it really doesn't. I'm glad you're taking the fact that your plans fell through so well, though. If it makes you feel any better, it might have worked on a normal person." Or maybe a normal person that was also into bestiality when he got here. Though that wouldn't exactly quality as a 'normal' person, I don't think.

"Oh, I'm not exactly happy about that, but I think Luna is. Anything to make her happy is okay as far as I'm concerned. And the end result is still pretty much the same, but now I get to use you even longer." She shrugged. "It just means you aren't as expendable as you were before."

Oh yeah, that really made me feel better.

She giggled at my expression. "Come now, Nav, you know as well as I that I cared more about my ponies than I did for you when you first got here. The only reason I didn't have you locked in chains as soon as Twilight reported humanity's history is because of how docile you had been. And I definitely lied to you about the ambassadors in Egypt. They were not slated for death. I was going to have you arrested as soon as you got off the boat back into Equestria." She shrugged. "You redeemed yourself. And by then I realized how truly useful you were. I was going to wield you as a blind tool, but you are way too crafty for that. So no, you are no longer anywhere near expendable. In fact, I would be quite angry if something were to happen to you."

"I'm a large investment, I suppose. You've poured a lot of magic into me, and I'm sure this armor cost quite a few bits as well. Though I like to think I've done plenty to earn it."

"And you'll be doing more, soon. Some of it will be tonight. Some of it will be in the coming months." Her horn glowed and an envelope flew across the room from a table. "Deliver that to the abandoned factory sometime soon, by the way. Just set it down on the front doorstep."

I took the envelope. "I don't exactly have a place to put this, what with the armor. I don't suppose you could teleport it to my room?" She did so with a flash. "So what else do you have planned for me? I might as well know now so I don't get blindsided."

"In a few months you are going to be assigned as one of Cadance's guards on a trip to the griffin capital, Gryphus. You should be gone for a few weeks." I grimaced at that. Still, if Cadance doesn't know about me and Luna it shouldn't be too bad. "Tonight, you are going to be escorting Queen Chrysalis around the Gala. I know you probably had plans, but this is important. If this night goes well, there is just one more thing we need to do with her before she is locked as an ally, and you will be helping with that as well. That is everything I have _planned_, but you know how volatile everything is. As a knight, you might be called in to do any number of things. As always, be prepared."

"Now when you say that I'm escorting Chrysalis, what exactly does that entail? Am I guarding her or am I pretending to be her date?"

She gave me a womanly look. "Navarone, you're in love with my sister. I'm not going to ask you to date somepony else. You are going to introduce her around and guard her. I do not want anything to go badly this night."

"Easy enough. Why isn't she an official ally, though? We had her here as a bloody prisoner. You could have forced her to sign anything."

"Because ponies aren't like that. I could have, yes, but I have learned in my long life that a willing ally is better than a reluctant ally. So you are going to escort her around and then you are going to help her deal with a small Diamond Dog problem."

"'Deal with?' That sounds ominous."

"I leave it up to you on how to solve that problem, Nav. Chrysalis wants them wiped out. I believe a peaceful, mutually beneficial resolution can be found. That said, I honestly don't care how you do it. Those Diamond Dogs have been a nuisance ever since I allowed them to take residence in their mines. They have kidnapped a number of ponies, though most get released shortly after. The only reason I haven't officially punished them yet is because an assault on tunnels is suicide when you don't know the terrain."

My eyebrows shot up. I was surprised she knew nothing about tactics. "They're in caves though, right?" She nodded. "So shoot fireballs down there. That'll incinerate them and all their air, so they'll either burn to death or they'll run out of oxygen and asphyxiate."

She pulled away from me, her eyes widening. "Barbaric!" She sighed and leaned forward again, closing her eyes for a moment. "And why I keep you around." Her eyes opened and narrowed on me for a moment. "Do not tell Chrysalis that unless killing them becomes your solution of choice. She could easily take that idea and use it herself and then claim we did not aid her as she asked."

"So when am I going to start helping her with this?"

"In the coming weeks, probably. I trust that you can handle this, then?"

"I can handle Chrysalis, aye. But must I deal with Cadance? You know how I feel about her."

"You are an anomaly to her, Navarone. She is interested in you. If you tell her you finally started feeling for Luna, she might leave you alone."

"No, then she'll just gloat at me. I think I'll just keep horrifying her. That was a lot of fun. And hey, you even got to help once!"

She grimaced lightly at that. "Yes, and I regret it. That was a particularly bad heat cycle for me. I think next year I'll just prevent it." She sighed and muttered, "I had to spend an hour coaxing her out of her room." Louder, she said, "Deal with her as you will, as long as you protect her. Shining Armor and a few other guards will be with you as well. You are there more to impress the griffins than anything, but you still need to keep her safe. When you get back home you'll find a present there that will help you."

"Awesome. So where is Chrysalis? I suppose if I'm going to have to watch her I might as well start now."

"She's listening at the door, though I asked her not to. She didn't hear anything she shouldn't have. Shall we return to the party, then?"

"Might as well. I know how much you love the Gala."

"Quite. I somewhat hope there will not be anything odd happening at this one." She stood and went to the door. She jerked it open, to reveal Chrysalis staring at us innocently from the other side, near the opposite wall.

I followed Celestia out and nodded to Chrysalis. "Been a while. How did you like the booze I left you?"

She grinned at that, baring her fangs. "It made for a suitable aid in a returning home celebration." She turned to Celestia. "So he agreed?"

Celestia nodded. "He is your guide for the night. He will keep you out of trouble and will hopefully be able to introduce you to a few new ponies." She turned to me. "Now you have her back home before midnight. I don't need you corrupting my innocent little filly."

Chrysalis did not look amused. I sighed. "Yes ma'am. I don't suppose I can take her around the town, though?"

"That better not be innuendo, young stallion!" She gave me a mock glare before giggling. "Now go on. I'll be going back to the party momentarily."

Chrysalis looked at me and jerked her head down the hall. I walked by her side as we walked. "So. Navarone. What is this party like?"

"Boring as hell. We would probably have more fun sitting in the garden watching grass grow. I fear that is not an option, though. Do you want to meet the rich ponies or do you prefer to deal more with the commoners?"

"I am here to meet the kinds of ponies that come to parties like this, though honestly I would prefer to not be here at all. Such is the life of royalty, I suppose. How has your life been treating you since we last spoke?"

"Mostly alright. I got mauled in the Everfree forest, but such is the life of a knight. How are the love poisoned food-bags working?"

"Very well. None of my people go to bed hungry any longer. And they all quite like you because of it. You are a hero to the changelings, one of the few we've had. I don't suppose you would mind visiting one of the hives near Ponyville sometime soon, would you?"

"Just visit? Or would you want me to help take care of a problem while I was there?"

"Oh, Celestia already told you? Yes, I want the Diamond Dogs eliminated. I believe that between you and Ditto, the task can be done with a minimum of changeling bloodshed, and hopefully with a large amount of Diamond Dog bloodshed."

"And this couldn't be handled peacefully?"

"Oh, it could. But we can talk about this matter later, in more depth. I believe we have a party to attend, and I believe we are coming up on it."

Something occurred to me just then that should have been apparent to me sooner. "Chrysalis, before we enter the party, I have a warning to give you." She gave me a surprised look. "This isn't about you, so don't worry." She relaxed. "In the time since we last met, I made some enemies here in Canterlot. The kind of enemies that would attend a party like this. So we might well end up snubbed by some ponies because of that."

She sniffed. "I don't care. I'm sure whatever you did was well worth it, if it made you enemies of the elite."

"Glad to see you're nonchalant about it. Now then, shall we?"

We continued into the party proper. Celestia was already back in her place at the front. I didn't see anyone I knew in the main foyer, so we continued along deeper into the party. We found Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Twilight in the dancing area. I led Chrysalis over to them.

We were getting quite a lot of looks from everyone, too. Me, because I'm always a tolerated outsider wherever I go that isn't Ponyville. Chrysalis, because to the ponies her appearance is scarier than mine even with my armor.

So I wasn't surprised at all when the three girls saw us coming over. They met us halfway. "Any of you three know where Rarity is?" I asked them.

They looked from me to Chrysalis to me again. "Sorry, but no," Twilight answered.

Pinkie's gaze didn't quite make the transition back to me, I noticed. She was still looking at Chrysalis. "Yes, Pinkamena?" Chrysalis asked with a tone of I-can't-believe-I-put-up-with-this.

"You can call me Pinkie! Why didn't you dress up?"

I suppose I should point out that Chrysalis was not wearing a dress or anything of that sort as all the others were. "Because I am a queen. Being here is enough. Dressing is more than I care to do. Besides, I polished my carapace. Is that not good enough for you?"

Pinkie jumped in front of Chrysalis's chest in a flash and tried to see her reflection in it. "It is nice and shiny!"

Twilight's horn lit up and yanked Pinkie back. "That is not how to treat royal guests, Pinkie," she said with a small sigh. "So what brings you here, Queen Chrysalis?"

"Your sadistic princess demanded I attend this blasted party if I wished to receive Navarone's service in a coming campaign. It is a small price to pay."

"Campaign?" Twilight asked in surprise. "What's going on?"

"That's none of your business," I answered. Chrysalis looked at me for a moment before shrugging. "Do you at least know where we can start looking for Rarity, then? Celestia told me to introduce Chrysalis to some rich ponies, and wherever Rarity is I'm sure she'll have some boring rich guy wrapped around her finger."

"But Rarity doesn't have fingers!" Pinkie said, jerking her gaze away from Chrysalis for a moment.

"I'll tell you if you dance with me," Twilight said with a small smile.

I turned to Fluttershy. "What about you?"

"Um. I'll tell you if you dance with Twilight?" I looked at Twilight to see her giving Fluttershy a look. She quickly jerked her head back to me.

I gave Chrysalis a side glance before looking back to Fluttershy. "What if I dance with a Twilight look-a-like?"

"Nope, gotta be me!" Twilight said.

"I wasn't asking you, Twilight. I believe Fluttershy is her own per—pony."

"Um. That would be… okay, I guess." The last was mumbled.

I turned to Chrysalis to ask if she was interested, to find that she had already turned into Twilight. I held out an arm which she gladly took. I led her onto the floor.

"I didn't know you could dance," she commented in Twilight's voice as we started.

"I'm a man of many talents," I answered with a shrug. "Some of them are more useful than others. There are other mares I'd rather be dancing with rather than Twilight, but you gotta do what you gotta do."

She smiled sweetly. "Like your princess? Or maybe Luna?"

"Luna is my princess. I'm her knight, remember? Celestia is the other one, in this case. But yes, Luna is one of those I'd rather be dancing with. Probably at the top of my list, honestly. Celestia is on there, but I think I'd be afraid to dance with her. She's huge, compared to me. I've done it in the past, though." I smiled. "You're also on the list."

She missed a step but quickly recovered. "Well, no pony said we had to be in a hurry," she said after a moment. "After this dance, perhaps I can change back and we can continue."

We continued the dance, each wearing a small smile. When it finished, she changed back, shocking quite a few nearby ponies. The next song quickly picked up and we danced to it as well. Twilight was glaring at us. Pinkie had disappeared, but I caught a glimpse of her near the band. Fluttershy was watching us with a small smile.

That song ended and I was about to call it when I heard the next song and stopped with a smile. "Chrysalis, would you be interested in learning a new dance?"

"I recognize this song… I know an old dance to it, but what did you have in mind?"

This was the song that Twilight and I had danced to at that one Gala, where I took her into the air. I noticed that Pinkie had rejoined the others. I told Chrysalis what I had in mind.

She smiled. "I'm interested.'

And so we danced. It was pretty fun.

Until we left the floor and found Luna waiting on us, with a smug looking Twilight at her side. "Sup, Luna?" I asked.

"Hello, Nav," she answered. Well, she didn't _sound _angry. "Chrysalis, my sister told me you would be here tonight, and that Navarone would be escorting you. I didn't know you knew any pony dances anymore."

Chrysalis said, "Some things are hard to forget, Luna. That is not a discussion for here, though."

"No, I suppose not. I see my knight is treating you well, though. If either of you need assistance on this night, feel free to find me or Celestia. I fear I must get back to what I was doing, however. Until later," she finished with a nod, breaking away from the group.

Twilight stared after her in confusion, before giving me a mean look. "Check the dining area," she said in a strained voice. She stalked off into the small crowd around us.

_Wait, small crowd?_ I looked around, thinking. The only time dancing like that had been seen here was when I was pretending to be Z. And Chrysalis and I both would always get looks at things like this, given how different we were. I suppose seeing the two of us doing that was enough to draw a small crowd of rich ponies with questions. That was enough to kill an hour.

Until, that is, a grey pony with dark hair walked up and ahemmed rather loudly. "I think I've seen you around Canterlot before, human." His accent was enough to make me want to pimp slap him with my gauntlet on.

"That's not surprising, pony." He jerked a bit when I called him pony. I continued, "I've been in this world for a few years and I've walked around Canterlot in the past."

"Indeed. I think you were at a garden party, the most recent time."

I smiled, knowing what he was trying to do. "Yes, I was. I remember that party fondly. I got to put a royal twat in his place."

All the ponies around me gasped and the person accusing me pulled back, his eyes widening. He recovered quickly, though, I'll give him that. "So you're saying you _did _kill Blueblood?"

"Oh, no. We had a duel. I won. He stalked off afterward. There were several witnesses that saw him walk away."

"Oh there were?" he said, his tone turning mocking. "And who might they be?"

"_I _was one of them," Fancy Pants said, stepping out of the crowd. He glared the grey stallion down. "Is there something you need, Jet Set? Or were you just trying to dig a hole you won't be able to get out of?"

Jet Set gulped, taking a step back. I smiled. "Why are you bringing it up?" I asked. "Are you interested in a duel yourself?" His pupils retracted. I reached my arm around behind me for my axe and he was gone before I even touched it.

Chrysalis let out her adorable little chuckle. Fancy Pants turned to us. I held up a fist. He looked at it in surprise for a moment before smiling and hitting it with his hoof. "It has been a while since I greeted somepony that way," he commented. "It is nice to see you again, Navarone. And this is Queen Chrysalis, I presume?" At my nod, he gave her a bow. "A pleasure, my lady."

She smiled at that. "It is nice to meet you, gentlecolt. Though I did not catch your name."

"Fancy Pants, at your service," he said, rising. "I see you have already met some of the more distinguished ponies of Canterlot." Most of the small crowd around us made themselves scarce when I reached for my axe, though. "I fear Navarone here has a fun habit of scaring rich ponies away." He smiled. "I might have to hire him as a bodyguard one day, if the princesses would allow it."

I waved a hand. "Fuck them. I'm a free man; I do what I want. You ever want to hang and I'm not busy, I'm in. You seem pretty cool, for a rich guy."

"I didn't understand half of what you just said, but I think it's a good thing," he commented before turning back to Chrysalis. "If you would like to meet some of the more… tolerable… of Canterlot society, you are welcome to join me."

She looked to me and I nodded. She turned back to him. "Very well, Fancy Pants. Navarone will have to come with us, though; Celestia assigned him to watch me for the night."

He nodded. "That's quite alright, I assure you. He is welcome. Come."

I don't want to talk about the next few hours. It was so very, very boring. It was rich ponies talking about rich pony things. Fancy Pants would probably be bro material if I could get him away from this stuffy place, but I know duty required me to be here. That kind of sucked, but c'est la vie.

A lot of the rich ponies there weren't _that _bad, but they were still stuffier than those I was used to. And they were mostly toadies, trying to work their way into the good graces of those above them.

As it turned out, I was apparently one of those now above them. That irritated the shit out of me, and I told them to knock it off because I knew what they were doing and it wouldn't work.

That got a lot of nervous laughs and averted gazes before they disappeared into the masses. I caught Chrysalis giving me an approving look before she looked away.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say about that.

I escorted Chrysalis to the edge of the party area. "That was an… interesting… experience," she commented. "I do not envy Celestia in the slightest. We changelings do not have such events as this."

"Oh man, I think I'll come to chill with you guys next year so I can avoid going to this party again. I hate the Grand Galloping Gala."

"You know you are always welcome, Navarone. My changelings would be happy to have you, and I know I would as well."

"If you don't mind me asking, why do you always use full names instead of any familiar versions?"

She jerked back a bit, looking somewhat confused. Her eyes widened after a moment. "Oh. That habit. I… avoid getting close to anypony. There are reasons behind it. Private reasons."

"I understand privacy. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I just thought it was a strange habit, is all. Do you need anything else before I turn in?"

"I don't suppose I could trouble you for another morsel? Your memories have a unique taste that I've come to enjoy."

"Help yourself," I replied. "You know what I don't mind you taking."

"Quite trusting, Navarone," I heard Luna say as she walked up behind me.

I turned to face her. "Chrysalis and I formed a bond of sorts," I said. "It is hard, being predators forced to live subservient to prey."

"I see." Her tone was not comfortable. She turned to Chrysalis. "Perhaps you'd be willing to feed off me, instead? I have something you might be interested in."

Chrysalis looked into Luna's eyes for a moment before nodding. "Very well, Luna." They stepped close. Chrysalis's horn lit up green and shot out to hit Luna. They stood like that for a long while, eyes locked. The glow finally stopped and I noticed they were both smiling. Chrysalis turned to me. "Thank you, Nav. I will see you when you visit the hive near Ponyville." It wasn't until she was walking away that I noticed what she called me.

Luna said, "Come along, Nav." I walked next to her as she led me to the gardens. "I had a talk with Twilight about you. She'll be less bothersome now, I believe," she said as we walked along a path.

"Thank you. She has been acting this way ever since… Well, since I helped her deal with her heat problem. I did not realize at the time what a mistake that would turn out to be."

"There was a lot you could have done to minimize the damage. But that is neither here nor there. My sister has a busy schedule for you, but I want to remind you that you are still _my _knight. And… my special somehuman, now. You are not required to follow Celestia's orders any longer. I ask that you do anything she requests that you think will help Equestria, though. And I also ask that you report to me anything she requests that you do."

"Those seem reasonable. She asked me to escort Chrysalis tonight. She said I'll be helping Chrysalis and her changelings deal with a Diamond Dog problem soon. Celestia doesn't care if I kill all the dogs or search for peace. Chrysalis seems to want to kill them. I'll learn more before I decide what I'll do. Celestia also wants me to escort Cadance to the griffin capital in a few months. That's all she tol—Wait, I'm also supposed to deliver a letter to an abandoned factory with a semi-invisible pony living there. That's all."

"She told me about all but the last. That's… odd. I will look into it. Deliver the letter. If she asks you to do it again, find me. I will have a letter of my own to deliver."

"This is the second time, actually."

Luna shrugged. "I want to look into it before I do anything. Deliver the letter. Unless… Do you have it on you?"

"She said it would be waiting for me back in Ponyville."

"Then it doesn't matter. I believe your friends are staying in the palace overnight, is that correct?" I nodded. "Come along, then. The party is over, and now the real fun can begin!" Stupid horny princesses. Not that I was complaining, mind, but still!

We got back home with no problems. When I got up to my room I saw something that made me smile wide: A masterfully made steel crossbow. Sitting next to it was the letter. I dropped my bag of armor and cradled the crossbow, seeing how different it was from the crappy wooden one I had used for so long. _Cocking is easier. It's heavier and the end is padded so the recoil is probably lessened. I bet those sights are perfectly accurate._

I set the crossbow down and grabbed the letter. _Deliver this and come home to practice with that thing_. I grabbed my ring, the key, my sword, and some knives and I headed out.

The letter was easy to deliver. The cellar doors weren't closed this time, so I just slipped inside, making sure I could be heard coming in. I dropped the letter off at the same place I put the other one. I turned back and walked out just as easily. I didn't see the figure again.

That done, I went straight home and grabbed the crossbow and took it out to my makeshift shooting range. It was perfect. _I bet even Spike could use this thing_. I smiled at that. _I could take him hunting and let him get his first kill._

I headed back to the library. It was empty, which was an uncommon occurrence. I mean, sure Twilight got out a lot and Spike wasn't tied here, but Taya doesn't go out much without me.

I smiled to myself. _Free day. _I hung the crossbow up in my room and flew up to a nearby cloud and just laid back. It's always nice to be able to just take a day off.

What sucks is that I'm so rarely given the opportunity to do it. I was up there for maybe half an hour when I felt four hard points driving into my body. I opened my eyes and saw Rainbow Dash staring at me. "We've been looking everywhere for you, Nav!"

"Well, you found me. Congratulations." I let my eyes shut again, but she drove one of her hooves into my chest. I opened them again. "What did you need, again?"

"Twilight said you need to do your knightly duties. C'mon Nav, get up!"

"What kind of knightly duties? And if Twilight is involved, why didn't she just teleport me to her?"

"She said you were wearing your stupid ring. And the kind of knightly duties that require you to act as judge!"

"Back up." She didn't move. "What about me being a judge?"

She rolled her eyes. "Just go get your axe!" With that, she somehow grabbed me and threw me off the cloud. I fell for a few feet before catching myself. I sighed as I flew to the library. Rainbow Dash followed me, obviously impatient.

I landed in front of the library and pushed the door open, half expecting a surprise party or something. There was still no one there. I grabbed my axe and found Rainbow Dash waiting for me downstairs. "So now what?" I asked her.

"Just come on!" She led me out and jumped into the air. I closed the door behind me and followed her into the air. She led me straight to the center of town.

I landed in the center of a largish crowd. Twilight and Applejack were in the center, with two raggedy colts and a less raggedy filly. Mayor Mare was standing to the side, and I saw two royal guards there as well.

"Alright, what's going on?" I asked, striding up to Twilight. "And why are there three starving kids here?"

Twilight and Applejack looked at me with confusion. "_Starving_?" Twilight finally forced out.

I looked at her for a moment before turning to one of the colts. I bent down and pulled his face up so he could look me in the eye. I recognized that look he gave me. I let his head fall again and stood up. "Yep. This one is, at least. I see that hunger there." I tapped his side with the handle of my axe. "You can see his ribs right there, too. You can on the other colt. The filly is a little better off." I turned to Applejack. "You catch these three stealing apples?"

She nodded, her eyes wide. "How'd you know?"

I scoffed. "They're starving. I had to do worse when I was in Egypt. At least they didn't try to murder you for it." I turned to the three kids. "How long have you three been away from home?"

One of them mumbled something.

"I can't understand a bloody word you're saying. Talk louder."

"We don't have a home," one of the colts said.

"Huh. Welcome to the Ponyville, kids." I turned to Applejack. "How much did they take?"

"A few dozen apples," she finally said. "I didn't know they were starving, though!"

"No, I didn't reckon you would," I answered. I turned back to the kids. "How long has it been since any of the three of you ate?"

More mumbles.

"Speak UP, kid! For Christ's sake, if I'm getting pulled off my cloud for this I'm going to make this quick. How long?"

"Days."

"Thank you." I turned back to AJ. "I'll pay for whatever they took." I turned back to the kids. "I'm giving you three a choice. These two royal guards here can take you to Canterlot, where you can go to Celestia's orphanage. Or you can stay here in Ponyville and try to find a job or something. AJ here might let you work at her farm, if you ask nicely and apologize for stealing. I suggest the orphanage, honestly, even though I fucking hate Canterlot. But if you prefer an honest living, you won't find one more honest than farming."

More mumbles.

I turned to Twilight. "Do magic on this colt to make everything he say three times louder."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Nav," she said.

"Twilight, who has the big axe, me or you?" She rolled her eyes and her horn glowed for a moment.

"Alright, random colt, what'll it be? Orphanage or staying here?"

"Can I… talk it over with them?" he asked.

"Sure." I crossed my arms, watching them.

"Uh, in private?"

"Oh hell no. You can do it right here. 'Can I talk to my friends in private' is code for 'We're ditching this place and running away where we'll be starving again in a day or two.' You're free to bail on this place as soon as you give living here a chance. Running from the orphanage is your own problem, but it would be a lot easier to keep you in the orphanage if Celestia wanted to keep you there. So your choice, kids. Try living in Ponyville or go to the orphanage in Canterlot."

"Then can you at least turn this thing on my voice off?" the colt asked.

I nodded at Twilight. Her horn glowed a moment.

The filly spoke up. "If we promise not to run away, can we talk in private?"

"Twilight, give them a bubble. Something they can't get out of and we can't hear what they say." Her horn glowed again and a transparent purple bubble appeared around them. One of them tapped it and grimaced when he found that he couldn't escape. They got down to discussing. "Mayor Mare." She jerked when I looked at her. "Why am I dealing with this? I thought I had to do this crap when a public official was not available. And why is there a bloody crowd?"

"Well, Twilight said we should send for you, since this seemed like an easy case…"

I started glaring at Twilight as soon as the mayor mentioned her name. She was grinning sheepishly. I turned back to the mayor, trying to calm myself. "And the crowd?"

"My fault, sugarcube," Applejack said. "I was uh… raising a bit of a scene as I dragged these three into town."

I turned back to the kids. They were looking at me. One seemed to be knocking on the barrier. "Twilight, be ready to grab them if they run off." She nodded. "Let them out." She did. They didn't try to make a run for it.

"Alright, what's your choice?" I asked them.

"Orphanage," the spokes-colt said.

"Alright. Good luck in life, kids." I turned to the guards. "Can you two make sure they get to Canterlot? And that means _watching _them, because as soon as they get out of my sight they're going to make a break for it." The filly let out an 'eep.' I turned to them. "I understand, kids. I know you're used to being together and you're worried that you'll be pulled apart when you get to the orphanage. Celestia is a very understanding lady. She'll make sure you're well taken care of. You're going into an uncertain future from a depressing past and that probably scares you. It'll be okay." I turned back to the guards. "Can you two handle it?"

They saluted. "Yes sir!"

"Good. Don't hurt them, please. Honestly, if you can hold onto the filly you'll probably be able to keep the other two under control easily enough." I turned to the crowd. "What are you still doing here, ponies?" They started dispersing. I turned to Applejack. "How much do I owe you?"

"Nothing, Nav. I don't charge starving foals for food." She turned to the kids. "But if I catch you three in my fields again without having asked me first, you're going to be working off your debt." They didn't meet her gaze. She nodded after a moment and walked off.

I nodded to the guards, who began herding the kids away. I slid my axe into its holder and jumped into the air, only to find myself dragged down by a purple aura. "What, Twilight?" I asked.

"How do you always know it's me?"

"Because the aura is purple. What do you want?"

"First, I want you to explain about this 'aura' I've heard you mentioning. This isn't the first time I've heard you talk about it."

"You mean you really don't see it?" She shook her head. "Alrighty then. Every time a unicorn uses magic, I see an aura around their horn. It's usually the color of the horn itself. That's how I immediately knew something was off when Chrysalis was hiding as Cadance; Cadance has a light bluish glow, while Chrysalis as a greenish glow. And whatever the unicorn manipulates also gets an aura. Right now I see a purple aura around me. And when several unicorns manipulate the same object, the colors meld."

"Hm… We're going to have to test that… Why didn't you ever mention it before?"

"I thought it was normal. Where's Taya, anyway? I haven't seen her in a little while."

"She's with Pinkie," Twilight said distractedly. "So you see an aura for _every _unicorn that does magic? What's Luna's?"

"Blue. Celestia's is gold."

She trotted to the library, holding me behind her. I sighed and got as comfortable as I could. We made it quickly enough, thankfully. We did get a few stares, but it wasn't exactly an uncommon sight, I'm sad to say.

Thankfully she set me down when we got inside. I casually slipped on my ring while she was rummaging around for paper and whatnot. She found what she was looking for easily enough and began testing my 'magic sensing ability,' as she called it.

I was able to accurately tell every time she manipulated something in the library. I would have questioned her as to why she was doing this when I already told her what I could do, but this was Twilight we were talking about. She would probably repeat all the tests when Taya got here to make sure I could do it wither other unicorns.

And she did, of course. She tested me for bloody hours. She even sent for Rarity to test me some more. So much for my free day…


	46. Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Four—A visit to a changeling hive

A few weeks later, a shiny black carriage pulled up right outside the library and a regal-looking Queen Chrysalis stepped out. She proceeded to knock on the door of the library for half an hour before she realized no one was there.

She reported that to me an hour later when she found us all chilling at the park. She was rather displeased. Displeased enough to pull me away from a picnic with friends, that's for sure.

I rubbed the back of my head in her carriage as it started up again. "You didn't have to throw me in here, you know!" Taya had managed to hop inside before the door closed, at least.

"I didn't have to, but I think it was funny," she replied. "And your daughter does not seem to mind."

"That's because she's sadistic. Where are we going?"

"Back to the library, first. You are going to get everything you need to eliminate a mine full of Diamond Dogs. And then we are going to the hive outside this town, where you are going to plan an assault on a mine full of Diamond Dogs. And then you are going to a mine full of Diamond Dogs to kill them all."

"Sounds simple enough. If you have enough magic I could have it done in about an hour. Or however long it takes to find all the entrances."

Her eyes widened. "How much magic would you need?"

I shrugged. "Depends on how big their cave is. How much does it take to make a fireball?"

She gave me an evil grin. "Not much. This might be easier than we thought."

"I don't suppose you could give some manner of peace a chance though, could you? I mean, dogs are annoying as hell and Celestia did give me permission to wipe them off the face of Equestria, but still."

"We could, but I'd rather not." We arrived at the library just then. The door popped open and Chrysalis exited first. Taya followed her and I was the last out. I opened the door and went on in. Chrysalis followed me in and looked around, somewhat impressed. "We do not have many libraries in the hives," she commented idly. "Do you mind if I look around?"

"I don't care. Twilight might, but she's been a bitch to me lately so do what you want."

She walked around. I went on upstairs. Taya stayed below with Chrysalis. I quickly threw my armor on and grabbed all the weapons and gear I needed. I took my axe instead of my sword because apparently it's important or something. I was back down within fifteen minutes.

Long enough for the two of them to be standing in the center of the room watching me descend with the most innocent of expressions on their faces.

"What did you do?" I asked them.

"Why, what makes you think we did anything, Nav?" Chrysalis asked, sounding somewhat shocked that I would imply such a thing.

"Whatever it was, I hope you got her good," I said. "Shall we?" They grinned as we all headed to the door. Chrysalis led the way up to the chariot and we all piled in again. "Alright, despite what Celestia may have told you, I'm not a big fan of genocide. I'll kill them if I have to since the Holocaust never happened here so the Nuremberg defense can be applied, but I'd rather not. So why can't peace be had?"

"I don't know what the Holocaust is or what the Nuremberg defense is. Explain."

"The Holocaust was an attempted genocide against a group of people in my world. The Nuremberg defense was the attempts of the soldiers that helped to get out of trouble. They explained that they were only following orders and that it allowed them to do whatever horrible things their superiors told them to do. That shit didn't fly, even with _my _fucked up people." I waved a hand. "Enough of that. I saved you so your people wouldn't die. Why should I commit genocide in your name against another people that have done nothing to me?"

"They break into our tunnels occasionally. When they do, they tend to drag some of my changelings out with them to be used as slave labor. They have in the past stolen eggs from my people as well. The gems they steal, I do not mind. The adult changelings they steal, I can get over. But they took _eggs_, Navarone. Innocent changelings, unborn. If they were allowed to hatch at all, they were raised directly into slavery, never knowing another life. I would not be surprised if the ignorant dogs did not just crush the eggs as soon as they were in their caves, or eat them."

"I agree that it's pretty fucked up. But how are you sure these are sanctioned actions? And what manner of revenge have you ordered done to the dogs? There are two sides to every story, Chrysalis."

"We are not innocent, no. But we did not start the raids, Nav, that I swear. We have never taken any of their children, for the dogs don't have any in that mine; it is just adults there."

"I see. Would it be possible to arrange a meeting with their leaders, then? I would like to talk with them before I decide one way or another."

She nodded. "Of course. I admit that I hope you will be disappointed, but if you think that you can resolve this peacefully, I will work to do it peacefully. Now that food is no longer a problem, though, we _do _need more room to expand…"

"I do not want to meet them with a changeling obviously near me. Can you give me a few troops or something and a few wagons? A trading caravan would easily draw some dogs out, I believe. From there we can make a few disappear and send some of your changelings down to scout the tunnels out to find any slaves down there that might need to be liberated. While they're doing that I can begin talking to the dogs, see what's on their mind about you guys."

She nodded. "That is possible. The dogs are usually on good terms with the ponies. We've never heard of them taking more than one or two ponies alone at a time, and they rarely do that much. A traveling caravan should be safe."

We planned it out on the way to the hive. About thirty changelings, twenty traders and ten guards. I would be the head of the security detachment. Or rather, I would be the fake head of it; one of the changelings would actually be in charge. Chrysalis would be the head of the actual caravan. Another changeling would lead the scouting expedition into their tunnels. It's hard to fuck up such a relatively simple plan, right?

…Right?

We made it to the hive in pretty good time. "I warn you Navarone, when I said you were considered a hero by my people, I meant it. Most of the soldiers there at the attack on Canterlot came from this hive, and they all know of you and what you did for them." We were still in the chariot at the time, and were just about to get out and head down one of the surface tunnels.

"I don't suppose it's possible to skip entering the hive, then? I never liked the hero's welcome. Especially since I'm such a—" My eyes caught Taya glaring at me. "Well, never mind about that. But must we enter the hive?"

Chrysalis grinned. "Now that I know it'll make you uncomfortable, yes. Just be glad that I won't make you give any speeches. Although… I don't suppose you would be willing to carry me in, would you?"

"As in, pick you up in my arms and carry you?" She nodded. "Why?"

"It would be funny."

"I'm not particularly strong, Chrysalis. That's why I use weapons instead of punching things. I can barely carry Taya anymore."

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "Fine. Be that way." The carriage door opened and she serenely exited, doing her best to look regal. She did a pretty good job, I'll admit. I followed her out, looking significantly less regal. Given that we didn't have an audience aside from the carriage changelings, that wasn't really a problem. Taya joined us as we walked toward a tunnel.

A tunnel that led straight down. Even with my augmented eyes I couldn't see the bottom. "Holy hell," I said, looking down. "How deep is this?"

"Oh, a few hundred meters. We plan most of our entrances like this so we don't get many… unwanted visitors. It goes straight down," Chrysalis answered.

"That's really unsafe, in terms of actual defense. But we can discuss that more when you are actually an ally of Equestria rather than just… whatever you are right now."

She nodded. "Very well. The few guests we bring down usually have to be brought down with magic. I can do that for you both, or we can fly down. The choice is yours."

"Is it a massive chamber on the other side? Or is it just a sudden stop?"

"It is a large chamber, yes." I grinned. "Why?"

"Taya, come on over." She did. I picked her up. "Hold on as tight as you can."

"Nav, what are you—" I jumped, after checking to make sure I didn't have my ring on. I grinned as I turned in the air, falling headfirst down the insanely long tunnel.

After about half a minute of straight falling, we entered a large chamber. I saw that we still had a few hundred feet before we hit the bottom, so I didn't open my wings yet. Taya was still holding on as tightly as she could. I saw a large number of changelings looking up from whatever they were doing to see the angelic figure falling from the sky, shrouded by what little sunlight was left down at this depth.

When I was about halfway to the ground, I threw my wings open. It felt like I slammed into a wall of air, and Taya loosened a bit in my arms before normal gravity—normal for Ponyland, that is—asserted itself and we began to glide out of it. I was able to catch a glimpse of Chrysalis following in my wake, and did my best to slow down so she could catch up. I gave her a grin that she met with a glare that slowly resolved into a grin of her own.

She finally drew my attention to an area on the ground where I assumed she wanted us to land. I followed her over to it. There was already a crowd of changelings around it. We landed, her with grace and poise, me with a loud thump as my armored boots hit the stage. _Stage? Oh balls_. I set Taya down. She looked around before settling as close as she could get to me.

"Greetings, subjects," Queen Chrysalis said. I say Queen there because she had taken on a considerably queenlier look and voice. "I believe many of you have heard of Sir Navarone." I felt a large number of eyes shift to me. Felt rather than seen; these changelings didn't have pupils, their entire eye was blue. She continued, "He is here to visit for a few days. If all goes well, he will be helping us remove the Diamond Dog nuisance. I trust you will all treat him with the respect due a visiting dignitary. And _do not _feed off him. Do not even ask. The same goes for the little filly next to him. Now please, go about your day."

The crowd dispersed. It was eerie, how quiet they were. Not silent—there was some talking, but it was all muted. As they started disappearing, I turned to Chrysalis and said, "I think I like it here. The people are a lot quieter than ponies. I somewhat expected cheering."

She smiled. "Changelings do not cheer. The sounds would carry too far in the tunnels, creating terrible echoes for any of my subjects further in. Most rarely talk at all. Now come, we need to find Ditto to get what we need." She began walking to what looked like a collection of buildings.

I noticed she didn't have any guards. "Do you not worry about assassination attempts down here?" I asked as we walked.

She smiled again. "We have few enemies and none that could hide among my changelings. There are a few rogue hives scattered about, but all are small and none wish any harm upon me. Most rogue hives quite like me, but choose to remain away from my rule for some reason or another. A few come back into the fold every now and then, as they fall under hard times. Now that we have food in excess, I believe I will have no trouble convincing most hives to come back. Crime is also a non-issue."

"Sounds quite nice. Crime is rare in Ponyland, but I had to judge a few food thieves a few weeks ago. Poor starving kids… Hope they're doing alright."

She sighed. "That's not to say we're a perfect society, Nav. We do have our problems, they just aren't apparent from an outsider looking in. I had to sacrifice much in order to keep my people alive for so long." She grit her teeth and glared ahead. "And the peace treaty I was forced to sign did not do wonders, either." She shook her head. "But if that is what it takes to begin changing things, it is a price I am willing to pay. Ask your questions, I'm sure you have more."

I nodded to the buildings. "Why build things? Why not just carve your homes into the rock?"

"Style, of course. And… as a reminder of the way things once were." That sounded ominous.

It also wasn't my business, and from her tone she didn't really want to talk about it. "So how are those changelings with different tastes liking the infinite love thing you've got going on?"

"When their choice is something they don't prefer versus nothing, they'll happily take what they don't prefer. A few of them like sadness, though, and that is easy enough to replicate given the tools we have. And happiness comes with love. Lust is relatively easy, also. Anger is a lot harder, but… most of my subjects that like anger do not last long." That also sounds ominous.

"So how long did it take to build this place?"

"A few years. Not that long at all; swarms are great at simple tasks. It took longer to plan than it took to build, I know that much. There are several underground pods around here that are similar, but this is the epicenter of activity and the largest of the pods. Any newer areas are built with less planning, but are still built well enough to last. There haven't been any cave-ins because of changeling activity in a long time. The dogs have done some things to force cave-ins, and we're still fixing one pod from when a dragon landed too hard on the area above it, but for the most part disasters are uncommon. We no longer need most of the substitute food we used to eat, so the workers we had doing that have been mostly assigned to upkeep." Assigned? Meh.

"What kind of population do you have down here?"

She smiled smugly. "Around five thousand. This is a decently sized hive, which is one of the reasons I want to get rid of the Diamond Dogs." I wonder why she's smug about that.

"A nice size, for a city on this world. What's the size of the main hive?"

"Around ten thousand. What do you mean, this world? What are cities like where you come from?"

"Oh, they have a few million living in them. What's the main hive like? Similar to this?"

She had stopped. "_Million_? I remember looking into your mind, but I don't remember _millions_!"

"Well, yeah. I don't know a million people. I was a recluse." _And look where that got me_. "When I left there were nearly seven billion on the planet."

Her mouth dropped.

I was looking around at a few of the changelings near us. "You know, changelings do look a lot lighter than ponies. I might be able to pick one up. What do you think, Taya?"

"You never know until you try."

I looked back to Chrysalis, who looks like she was still having a hard time imagining seven billion people. I shrugged and leaned over and scooped her up. "Wow, she _is _a lot lighter. I bet the regular changelings would weight about as much as you, Taya."

"Nav, you can put me down now."

"I thought you said you wanted me to carry you earlier."

"I changed my mind. Put me down." I did and we continued on. "Now, what was your question? I seem to have… well, what was it?"

"What's the main hive like?"

"Similar to this, but with more changelings out and about. It's a lot larger and more fancy."

I noticed something, then: There were no lights. "Taya, how are you seeing?"

"I'm following your voice and avoiding all the glowing eyes."

"No, that won't do. Come here." She did. I picked her up. With my axe on my back I had to hold her in my arms, but that wasn't really a problem.

"There will be lights in the planning room, Navarone, and more in every other building. We just don't keep the city proper lit because we don't need the lights to see enough to get around."

"Good. And if I'm going to be here for days, you _do _have food for her, right?"

"Of course. We have to feed our love slaves something, after all."

"Awesome. What do you guys use for currency?"

"Chunks of ore. They are actually useful, rather than useless bits. Gold is a terrible metal to do anything with. The only reason it has value is because Celestia forces it to have value."

"Do you understand the reasoning? Or do you want me to explain it to you?"

"I understand the reasoning. It does not apply to my society. We prefer practicality."

"And yet you decided to make buildings rather than carve from the rock."

"These buildings were made from stone. No pony says you can't have both, Nav. They were built with the stone dug out while we carved this pod."

We were into the city itself, now. The buildings were pretty large, but the entrances were relatively small. It was about like Canterlot, in a way. There was a lot less style, though, and most of the colors were black and green. It reminded me more of my short stay in this world's Spain than anything else. "Have you ever been to Barcelona or San Sebastian, Chrysalis? This hive reminds me of them, in a way."

She shook her head. "I've never been away from this mainland, Nav. Or rather, I haven't in any recent time."

"I suggest it. Some of the places across the sea are quite nice, and you would probably enjoy the Maris party next year. Hell, you might be able to get some changelings into the tournament at the end. I won it this year, but Celestia banned me because of _how _I won it."

"Because you were smart, you mean." I nodded. "I don't suppose you would be willing to be my military advisor? Ditto knows his craft, I will admit, but we have not been in any open fights recently. We do not know how battle tactics have changed with time."

"The only conflicts I've been involved in were small-time things. I helped plan a great retreat across a hostile country, but that was the biggest thing I've done."

"From what I've heard, though, you have a very high success rate."

"That's because humans were _made _for this kind of shit. If you absolutely positively must kill every motherfucker in the room, call for a human."

"If you weren't carrying a filly in your arms and stroking her hair occasionally I would be quivering in my carapace."

"That's part of the reason we're made for it. We have the ability to disconnect like nothing you've ever seen. One minute we're fighting someone and the next we're their best friends. It's harder for some than others and if the fighting is worse than normal it'll take longer, but we can adapt to just about anything. When I think back to some of the things we've done the only thing I can say is fuck yeah, humanity. Of course, we're also relatively evil and whatnot, but that's the price you pay."

"Hm. I might have to learn the spell to summon some of you for myself, then…"

"No. I've grown to like you too much to have to kill you. This world does not need humans. I still don't have an honest niche worked out."

"Well, you're my dad," Taya said, breaking her silence.

"That hardly counts, I wouldn't think."

"You're also a knight," Chrysalis added.

"God, don't remind me. At least I managed to spell out a sob story to get Luna to revoke my oaths. I'm still a knight but I'm not forced to follow orders anymore."

"That is good. I would not want somepony that loved me to have control over me. Though I also can't imagine somepony loving me at all…"

"That's actually one of the arguments I used. It was very effective. But no, this world honestly doesn't need any humans at all. Or I should rather say, the _ponies _don't need any humans at all. They are peaceful, and do not desire war or battle. It is a shame I was forced to stay long enough to get trapped there by love."

"Somepony needs to keep them out of the fire, though," Chrysalis said. "If you had not been there, I would have ruled them and destroyed them. They need a defender of some kind."

"There are plenty of races out there that could do just as well of a job as me, or better. Naga, griffins, dragons, even dogs if you could find some that weren't total assholes. Luna has a pretty good dragon friend we found just recently that might be willing to help." I thought it best I leave out the part that I was the one that found him.

"But all of those races have stakes in this world. They all want what is best for their own species. But you… You are the only one of your kind here. It is cruel, what they did to you. It makes you a wonderful tool, though." I feel like I've had this conversation before.

"Yeah." I felt it best to leave it at that. "How far do we have until we get to wherever we're going?"

"We're there now, actually." We were in front of a building much larger than most of the others around us. It is eerie, looking at all of these buildings but not seeing a single window. There was a single set of large doors in the center of the building and that was that. Chrysalis led the way inside, opening the doors with a green glow. Light actually streamed out of the building.

I set Taya down. My arms were starting to get tired anyway. She followed me as I entered the building behind Chrysalis. Inside not at all what I was expecting. Instead of a welcoming desk, there was just a directory. There was a single light shining on it. Hallways led off to both sides, with more jutting off from those. There was a single hallway going down the center that Chrysalis was walking down already. We hurried to catch up; I wasn't going to get lost in this fucking place.

There weren't many lights here, either. Just the one in the entrance, and a light streaming out of every room we passed that had doors open. It was enough for Taya to see in, I think. "Chrysalis, this place is depressing as hell," I finally said.

"It is efficient. We do not have as much magic as the ponies do. We light up the rooms so our workers can see. Any more is a waste of power."

"So why not just use electricity and light bulbs? You could light up the entire cave that way."

"What is electricity?"

Oh shit. I explained this concept to Twilight a long time ago and she laughed at me. Everything the ponies have is powered by magic. I wanted to make a generator or something as a proof of concept, but honestly… why? I mean, with the things electricity could do, I could make pegasi and unicorns relatively obsolete.

"Electricity is what people in my world used since we didn't have magic. Our society was more technologically advanced than the ponies are. Hell, we were more advanced than the ponies will probably _ever _be; they seem stagnant in terms of technology. But with it, we could create light. We could power cities full of people. It took resources to do, but you could probably substitute those resources with magic. Use a little magic to power the generators to create enormous amounts of electricity. You could power factories, rail cars, light, and so much more."

Her eyes widened. "And you could teach my changelings this?"

"I could give you the basics. I didn't know too much about it, but I could make you a really small generator. From there you would have to let your scientists take over. Honestly, I don't even know if you could do it within a generation. It took my people a long time to figure out that electricity even had a use, let alone all the science behind it. There's a lot of physics involved, but if you could dig into my memories and find the things I forgot, it could be done."

"The Diamond Dogs can wait." She stopped in the middle of a hall. "Prepare your mind, Navarone!"

I didn't even have time to stop before she ripped into me. She discarded all of my recent memories, digging deeper she ever had before. _You want memories of my past life? TAKE THEM!_ I gave her everything horrible humanity had ever done to itself. Pictures, statistics, events, names, all the fun stuff.

She tore herself from my mind, looking at me with a mix of awe and terror. "I didn't believe you," she whispered hoarsely. "Millions… billions… Dead. That power. That raw, terrifying, and beautiful power. Unbelievable… and yet true. You did not lie when you said that you did not belong here, Nav. Your kind are monsters. And you are no different. I saw your mind. You have the capacity to kill an entire world without blinking an eye, as long as you can justify it." She slowly smiled. "You are wasted on Luna." She dropped her smile. "But you won't ever stay here with me. I won't even ask. We do not have any scientists, not as you would call them. But I know who to give this information to. Now come. We have allowed the others to wait for long enough. We have dogs to deal with."

"Never rip into my mind like that again. If I ever allow you to enter again, I will guide you."

She smiled again. "You can't stop me from doing what I want."

I slipped my gauntlet off, reached into my breastplate, and pulled out a small bag tied around my neck. I let the ring fall out of the bag and slipped it on. "You wanna bet?"

Her smile turned vicious. Her horn glowed. Nothing happened. Her smile dropped and she narrowed her eyes. Her horn glowed even brighter, illuminating the hall completely. I noticed that a few changelings were standing around us now in both directions. Chrysalis was snarling, her horn glowing brighter and brighter.

"Stay behind me, Taya," I whispered. She moved. I took a step closer to Chrysalis. She stood her ground. I took another step. Her eyes widened. I stopped right in front of her. I slowly reached out and grasped her horn with the hand not holding the ring. "I could break this off right now, and you would be powerless to stop me. Do not _ever _underestimate me, Chrysalis. I am a friend, and you will treat me as a friend, or you will find me an enemy. That would end poorly for you. Do we have an understanding?"

Her horn stopped glowing and I released it. "So you've found a new toy," she commented, eying my ring. "Interesting. Very well, Navarone. I would hate to lose such a good… friend."

I slid my gauntlet on over the hand with the ring. "Then I believe we have left your soldiers to wait long enough. Shall we?"

She turned and started down the hall, only to stop when she found some of her people watching us. "Why are you not working?" she demanded.

"Break time," one of them rasped. "Your majesty is in the way of the break room. We wait until you are clear, as moving past would be disrespectful."

I could hear her teeth grinding. It was bad enough that I embarrassed her, but doing so in front of her subjects was worse. "You did not see this," she told them.

"We did not see… what, majesty?" the changeling asked.

She nodded. "Continue, subjects." They bent their knees slightly, and turned to go back. I suppose that given this building's layout, they could probably find a different path to wherever they were going. We followed behind them.

"I like changelings more than ponies," I said when they turned off. "You guys are awesome. If something like that happened between me and Celestia, I probably would have been attacked by any civilian nearby that witnessed it."

"If you had harmed me you would not have left this building alive. They know you are a friend and that you would not hurt me. Changelings treat heroes differently than ponies do. We give them respect by giving them privacy and distance, honoring their requests if they make them and they are reasonable. If you were as much a hero to the ponies as you are to us, I believe you would be surrounded constantly as soon as you went to a city. You would not have a single moment of peace."

"Then it's a good thing my role as a hero there is small and relatively forgotten. I am known, but I'm not revered. Ponies just know that I fought for Celestia."

"I fear that it is sadly too late for you to stay here. Luna has you, now. But if you ever find yourself out of favor in Equestria, you are welcome in the hives. And when I get the plans for this 'electricity' to those that need it, you will be nearly as famous as I." She looked me up and down. "Though probably not for looks."

"Well, not all of us can be as sexy as me. I'm sorry, Chrysalis, but maybe one day." I gave her a conciliatory pat on the back. She just shook her head with a small smile.

"Oh, and in case you were wondering, your eggs are doing well."

"Eggs? What?"

She smiled at me. "You did not know? As the queen of the changelings, I am super fertile. I could breed with any race on the planet." I wonder if the terror I felt at that was strong enough for her to pick up from where she was. If not, the expression on my face probably did it.

"That's… that's not possible. The genetics wouldn't allow for it. I have forty-six chromosomes. You probably have considerably more. It's not possible!"

Oh, her smile was terrifying. "I am a changeling, Navarone. My body adapts to whatever I mate with. I don't know how it does that, but it does. But you need not worry. You do not have to meet your children if you do not wish to. Most fathers never even know they have hatchlings from me, when I choose to look outside my race for mates."

My mind was terrified at this. _It shouldn't be possible! Biology can't allow for that!_ But… In a world with magic, who knows what's possible? I gulped slightly. "What will… what will they look like?"

"Oh, like any normal changeling. I suspect their eyes will be different, though. And they'll definitely be higher class, in terms of intelligence. They will be my first children to enter this world while we have food enough to sustain them well. I expect great things from them. They may have a few of your traits, though. They will never know of you if you do not wish them to, and even if they do learn that you are their father they will not recognize you as such until you decide you want them to."

Well, I knew there would be some kind of repercussions from that week of debauchery. I was expecting more pissed off friends and an angry Luna than children, though. It was sobering. But… "In that case, why did you have to tell me about it at all?"

"To make you suffer, of course."

"I see. And how do I know you aren't lying about it, then?"

"I can let you see them, if you desire. The only other male I mated with in the time it would have taken to get them to where they are now was that fool Shining Armor, and I did not deem him worthy of making eggs with."

"He had some pretty powerful magic, though. Doesn't that count for anything?"

"No. We have a few that are able to use magic, but not many. _All _of my children can, whether or not the father was able to. They might have been stronger in magic, if Shining Armor had been the father, but they will be strong enough anyway from me. Besides, we currently need thinkers more than we need anything else. Between the two of us, their minds will be made for plotting."

That's not really how genetics works, but… fucking magic. With my luck they'll be smart enough to track me down and live long enough to make the rest of my life hell. Of course, I could probably also kill them, but… could my conscience really take killing my own kids? That's fucked up even for me.

Then again… are they _my _kids if I didn't raise them? They're just kids that happen to have my genes.

"If anything interesting happens with them, keep me updated. I wish you had told me beforehand that you were going to do this, but… I suppose if I don't have to raise or see them it will not be a problem. Just don't tell anyone else."

"They will not hear it from my mouth, Navarone." And I don't think this entry will go with my journals, either.

"What's wrong with children?" Taya quietly asked.

_Oh God. There's no way I'm coming out of this question well_. I opened my mouth to respond, but Chrysalis opened a door with her magic and stepped inside. I followed her in, closing my mouth. Taya followed on my heels, of course.

The room we were in was not that large. There was a table that dominated the center, with a single light over it. A large changeling that I thought might have been Ditto was standing at one end of the table. There were two others there that I did not recognize.

Chrysalis stopped at the table and looked to the fellow I thought was Ditto. "We have three things to do. First, get together ten sentient soldiers and twenty sentients that can act as merchants. I don't care if they're soldiers or not. Second, find four sentients and a leader for a scouting mission into the dog caves. They have to know how to walk bipedal. Last, find all of our magic users with the strength to cast fire spells."

The changeling turned to one of the others. "Go through the roster. Pick out four good scouts. You are in charge of leading the scouting mission." The one he was talking to gave a single nod and looked down to the table, using magic to ruffle through some papers. The big changeling turned to the other one in the room. "Pick twenty-nine sentient soldiers. I will lead them." The changeling he was talking to gave a nod and started looking through more papers. The big changeling turned to Chrysalis. "We have fifty sentients and three drones here capable enough to use fire spells. Of those, only forty can make fireballs. I can have them here in an hour."

I don't know what a sentient is, but Chrysalis talked about intelligence stuff earlier. I suppose drones are the lowest of the low, incapable of acting without orders or something. Sentients are probably those that can act individually. Interesting.

"The mages can wait, Ditto. Nav wishes to interview the dogs. The scouting mission is the more important of the two. The merchants will be Navarone's cover as he talks with them. We will need four wagons and some random goods we looted in raids. Nothing we looted from dogs. Gems would be best, if you can find them. The treasury will cover whatever you use."

Ditto nodded once. "We will have everything prepared in three hours." My eyebrows rose. That's a hefty order right there, and an insane time. If he could pull that off my opinion of the changelings would rise even higher.

"Then we will meet you on the surface. Come, Navarone." We left the room and started off down the hall. We weren't going the way we came.

"Can he really do that in three hours?" I asked her.

"Yes. We are efficient, as I said. I don't know where he'll get the wagons, but it will be done in three hours."

"That's amazing. In my world it would probably take at least a day to do that much. Especially if you had to pull troops from their families."

"You may be better at fighting and killing, but we are better at organizing. And you also have to remember that you have massive armies while we have small ones."

Simply amazing. "Color me impressed, then. So where to now?"

"To drop the ideas and memories of electricity off. If possible, I would ask that you give the changelings I am leading you to a guided tour of everything you can possibly remember about it, as well as everything you think might be about it. History lessons, physics lessons—whatever physics is—anything you can think of that might be helpful. If you can guide us to where it is, we can fill in what you forgot from your subconscious. It's there, but you just don't know where. We can find it and use it, though we can't show it to you."

"I… see. I am not certain that this is a good idea, Chrysalis. I was not what you would consider normal in my world. I spent a lot of time learning how to make things that I shouldn't know how to make. Alcohol. Explosives. Gunpowder. Low tech guns. Weak generators. I could revolutionize war in this world with what I know. I could make weapons that anyone could use that could destroy buildings. I could make bombs that a changeling could hide in a building that would kill anyone there. I could do so, so much with what is in my head. And I do not want to risk that knowledge getting out to people I may one day have to fight."

"That's simple. Don't show us any of that. Show them what I want to know and we'll do the rest."

"I agree on one condition, then. I want Taya to be there with the fellow I'm giving the memories to. I will not risk whoever it is to take more than I am willing to give, and Taya is ridiculously strong in terms of magic."

"That is not a problem to me, Nav. Though it will take a bit longer if we have to show her how to look into minds."

"I know how," Taya quietly said. That was news to me, but then I don't know most of what she learns in terms of magic. She proudly demonstrates some of it to me, but she knows how I feel about magic so she doesn't use anything on me. It's kind of hard to show off mind reading magic without using it on the person you're showing off to.

Chrysalis pushed another door open and stepped inside. The changelings inside all stopped what they were doing and turned to us. They all blinked in surprise when they saw Chrysalis and a few actually gaped when they saw me.

"What can we help you with, my queen?" one of them finally said, stepping forward slightly.

"I need your best mind reader to look into Sir Navarone's memories. He will guide you to what you need. Whoever does it has to be able to meld flows."

One of the other changelings stepped forward and bent his knees slightly. "I am yours, your highness." He turned to me. "Come, Sir Navarone." I stepped forward, taking off my ring as I walked. Taya followed me. "Have you done this before?"

"Yes, but I've never had to show memories that are fragmented. I will do my best to keep it simple for you, and you will not understand most of what you see. I don't suppose you have a chair?"

"We do not." This is gonna be odd. I gave up most control in my body when Shining Armor was looking in, but then I also had to prepare some very hard defenses. "Who am I melding with?"

"Her," I said, pointing to Taya.

"A pony foal? We've done stranger. Come, let us meet in his mind." With that, his horn glowed green. I zoned out, waiting for his presence to make itself known. It did not take long. "You have control. Good. I do not want to sift through every passing memory." A moment later, another one joined him. "Let us begin."

"You are going to learn about electricity," I said in my mind. "Power without magic." I gave several memories of electric marvels quickly. And then I began the lessons. It took over an hour to dredge up everything I could possibly remember. A lot of it was out of order and most of it was fragmentary, but apparently that wasn't an issue.

With Taya watching him, he never made a move at anything I didn't want him to see. But he did get more than I wanted him to, through the simple sake that it's impossible to stay focused on one thing for more than an hour. Especially after you get told you're going to be a father.

When I gave him everything I could possibly think of, he pulled out of my mind and turned to Chrysalis. "It can be done. Give us five years and the resources we need and we should have a working generator and light bulb variants. Give us twenty years and we can have incredibly efficient factories. A hundred and we can probably have computers. Two hundred and we can leave Equestria so far behind in terms of tech they'll be begging us for table scraps." It was kind of scary, hearing him say that in the same raspy voice most changelings seem to have.

"Begin on light bulbs and factories now. Time will tell about the others," she answered. "Distribute the important memories. Discard the rest. Forget your focus on magic. Figure this out. Use magic to fill in the blanks only when you have no other choice, and do your best to remove magic from the equation when you can. Navarone's people did this without magic, just technology. If they can do it, so can we."

The changeling nodded. "It will be done." He turned to the others. All their horns glowed as the rest of them stepped closer to the one guy. Taya and I walked over to Chrysalis.

"If you hold this tech over the ponies, I'll probably be dispatched to fight you," I told Chrysalis as we reentered the hall. "And if I have to fight with all the resources of Equestria at my back, I will not make it easy on you." I wouldn't, either. I knew how to make a gun, even if I didn't have the resources. I couldn't make the things I needed to make a gun. But Celestia could get me what I needed if I was able to show her the memories and let her dig through what I've forgotten. I could bring in all kinds of war machines. I just hoped it didn't come to that.

"They have magic, Nav. They can do anything we'll be able to do, just using magic instead of using technology. We'll just have both." We were finally walking back out the way we came.

We talked on small matters until we got outside. Ha. 'Outside.' We were still in a fucking cave. Chrysalis turned to me. "We have an hour before we have to be topside. Is Taya hungry?"

"Why ask me? Taya, are you hungry?" I knew better than to ask.

"Yes." She's always willing to eat.

"Then come. I will show you to our feeding hall." Given what changelings eat, that sounded ominous. She started leading us away. I picked Taya up and followed. "I'll admit, the taste of the love being produced by the love poison is… off. It is artificial, one could say. But it is better than what we are used to, and it is limitless. The only complaint I have is that we have such a small number of victims to feed off of. I do not suppose there is any way to take some of the dogs prisoner, should it come to that?"

"Not with what I'm going to do, no. They will all die."

"I see. Will it at least be painful?"

"Oh God yes. Some will burn to death and some will suffocate while burning to death. It'll be a painful, horrible, gruesome death." She smiled darkly at that. _And I thought _humans _were evil._ "That's why we're breaking the prisoners out beforehand. Nothing in those tunnels will be living when I'm through, should I decide to attack."

"Humans are good at war. It is… delicious. Peace would be profitable, but I hope you find them unworthy just so I can see how you kill them."

"I don't particularly want to kill them, personally."

"You don't have to," Taya quietly said.

"Oh? And if I deem them as unworthy to stay neighbors, what would you suggest we do instead?"

"Scare them away. Make them flee. You don't have to kill them, daddy."

"You've never fought dogs before. They don't flee. Most of them are too stupid to run away unless ordered to, and most of those that give orders are too stubborn to run away without some manner of 'fuck you' plan." I learned that from experience and from books. Mostly books, though. "It would take Celestia's army and the changeling army both to scare them away from their home." She didn't respond.

The dining hall was only a few blocks away from the other building, whatever its title was. The last block was walked in silence.

We entered the dining hall. I looked around and one thing came to mind instantly: _Oppressive. Holy God_. Cells lined the hallway. There was a crank next to each one that looked like it operated a retractable wall. There were ponies in all of the cells and more ponies standing outside the cells, looking in. I assumed those standing outside were changelings. I heard wailing from some cells that didn't have anyone in front of them, and saw some changelings walking to them and some walking away.

Chrysalis didn't give any of them a look, just continued through. I carried Taya through, taking some comfort in her presence. _This is terrible. I know I came up with this, but… this is just outright terrible._ Chrysalis led us through two layers of cells, straight down the center. If I had to guess I would say there were maybe fifty cells. Half contained ponies and half contained other things. Dogs, griffins, a single naga. I didn't want to think about how the naga worked; it might be able to rip the cell open.

We ended up in an empty cafeteria. It looked like it could hold around a hundred people. She pointed to the kitchen. "You'll find what you are looking for there, Taya. You will have to fix your own food, or loot the storage; it is not meal time, so nothing is prepared. Everything within is safe to eat for ponies."

I carried her into the kitchen. I did not want to leave her alone in this place, I don't care what kind of security there is. Chrysalis remained in the cafeteria. When we got to the kitchen, I set her down and we looked around.

Mushrooms. Lots and lots of mushrooms. "Taya, do you know how to cook mushrooms?"

"No. Do you?"

"Not a clue. But if they can be eaten when cooked they can be eaten raw. They probably just won't taste that good." Though they might not taste good even if they were cooked. I can't imagine changelings putting too much effort into cooking when they feed off emotions.

"Waiting won't make them taste any better." She used magic to bring one to her mouth and began eating. "Not too bad." She continued.

"So what did you think of their prison?" I asked as she continued.

"It has to be done. I don't like it, but that's the way it is."

"My thoughts exactly. I'm glad I'm immune to love poison. Oh, and the new code word is password."

It didn't take her long to finish. We left the kitchen and made our way to Chrysalis, who had been joined by Ditto. "The preparations are finished," she told us. "It is time to return to the surface. Do you want Taya to come with us, or stay here?"

"We aren't killing the dogs today. We'll wait until tomorrow, if it comes to that. She can come with us, as long as she stays with the group. I'm going to need to talk to their leaders alone, as one warrior to another."

"And why, Navarone, would you need to do that?" Chrysalis asked with a bit of a sharp tone.

"Because they don't like ponies, for one. They won't speak freely in front of them. And for two, there is a code of sorts among most warriors. It is unspoken and unofficial, but we treat each other with respect until the fighting starts." Ditto nodded at that. "They'll talk to a grizzled mercenary traveling with the ponies until he can find a better contract. They might even offer me a job, but I doubt it. Most dogs I've run into were arrogant, not one to rely on other races for help." If they did offer me a job and I decided they needed to die, I would totally ask for an advance just to see if they would give it to me.

"I see. Well, are you ready to return to the surface?"

"Yeah. Is there a quicker way up?"

She smiled as her horn glowed. We teleported topside, appearing next to a few wagons. Changelings stood to attention when they saw us. "Change to your disguises," Ditto ordered. All of the changelings turned into ponies. A few of them turned into ponies that were the same. It took them a minute to sort out and all have different disguises. "Haulers, hook up to the wagons." A few of them went to the wagons. Some got hooked on and some helped do the hooking. "Move out." With that, Ditto changed into his disguise—a large royal guard. Ten of the soldiers were also disguised as guards.

The wagons began to move, trundling off. The rest of the group moved with them. I turned to Chrysalis. "I suppose I will see you when I get back, then."

"No, I am coming with you." She turned into a random pony.

I was kind of surprised that she was coming, but we fell in with the group. "Taya, when I break off to talk to their leaders, stay with Chrysalis." She didn't answer. I reached down to my belt and grabbed my helmet, setting it on my head.

The terrain around the entrance to the changeling cave was rugged, but there was at least a road of sorts leading away. We were on it now. "So why have you guys never done something like this before?" I asked. "Surely this occurred to you. Disguise as peaceful traders until the dog leaders are outside, then kidnap them and drag them back to your caves."

Chrysalis and Ditto shared a look. Chrysalis turned back to me. "No, Navarone. That never occurred to us."

Ditto said, "If you had been us, what would you have done thus far against the dogs?"

"I would have killed them. Anybody that takes my children needs to be put down." I put a hand on Taya's head. "But since you didn't know the easy way of clearing out caves, something like this is what I would have done. Have some of your kind disguise as ponies and some disguise as gnats hiding on the ponies. When you have a good number of dogs outside, start taking them down one by one and replacing them with your changelings. When you have them all, send the disguised changelings in to bring more out. Repeat until you have most of them captured or killed or whatever. If they catch on, kill the prisoners and run like hell. That could net you a sizeable chunk of them in one blow."

They shared another look.

I continued, "Of course, with magic on your side there's quite a bit more you could do to them. If you could find a large reservoir of water near here you could easily flood their caves. If you wanted to take them over for yourself it wouldn't be that hard, just use fire to evaporate all the water. Or since they're dogs you could probably use a very high pitched sound to incapacitate them and then clean up house while they're all on the ground writhing. Since you are working with caves and tunnels you could probably cover the entire system from one area and just let the echoes take care of the rest. Really there's a lot you could do."

"Why did you never think of these, Ditto?" Chrysalis demanded, glaring at him.

"I have no excuse, your highness." He turned to me. "If you wanted to kill the changelings, how would you do it?"

"In their caves, you mean?" He nodded. "It would be harder, given that you don't actually live in the tunnels. If I knew every entrance and exit, I would plug the holes and fill the caverns with carbon dioxide. It is odorless and it sinks, meaning it would fall straight to the lowest parts of the cave. You would be dead within minutes. Cleaning the caves out would be hard, though. Or if I really wanted to ruin your day, I would fill the caves full of methane and strike a match." I smiled. "I bet you could see the explosion from the fucking moon."

"What is carbon dioxide and methane?"

I gave him a look that said 'really?' "You guys are miners. How do you not know about dangerous gases?" He just looked at me. "Okay, have you ever dug into a tunnel and had miners mysteriously die for no reason?" He nodded. "They died from methane poisoning. It is a gas that gets trapped underground until released. It is lighter than air, so it rises to the roof of the tunnels. In my world, miners would carry birds into caves with them. If the birds died, they would get the hell out of there because it means the air is poisoned. Carbon dioxide is what you get when you exhale. Breathe in, you use oxygen. Breathe out, you get CO2—Er, carbon dioxide."

"I see. And how do you get rid of it?"

I shrugged. "Methane? Shit, strike a match and it'll burn. Just make sure the idiot striking the match is expendable; if you're not lucky there might be more there than you thought and the entire cave would explode. If you wanted to fill your cave with it, you could just unplug the entrance and leave it open for a few weeks. Carbon dioxide is different. If you had time, you could just lower some trees into the cave and after a few years they should take care of it for you. I guess you could also unplug the entrances and leave it for a long time. It might eventually dispel out."

"If you were fighting us on an open field, how would you do it?"

"Oh lord. Um. If I had access to human weapons, I would mow you down with machine gun fire, as they did in World War I. If I didn't and had access to unicorns…" I smiled. "Rolling thunder. If I was fighting on an open field with unicorns under my command, you would die very quickly, unless you could fight back with magic."

"What is rolling thunder?"

"A campaign from my world in one of the nastiest wars my country fought. It was a gradual campaign of shit fuckery. We started small, blowing up some stuff. Then we got larger and larger until the enemy gave in. Or at least, that was the plan. The enemy didn't actually give in." I sighed, shaking my head. "We lost that war because of politics. But it was a stupid war anyway. A stupid war for a stupid time. In this case, I would order the unicorns to start small, killing a few waves of troops. As you kept coming, the resistance would get stronger and stronger until there was nothing left of you or you broke and ran."

"And if the unicorns could not help you?"

"Then it would devolve into a very ugly melee. You would probably have air superiority, but I think ponies are heavier and probably stronger than changelings. I was able to pick Chrysalis up with no problems, while I can barely shift an earth pony. It would be an interesting fight."

"How would you deal with infiltrators?"

"Check your blood. You guys have green blood, ponies have red. Go into a room, tell everyone to not move and that you would kill the first motherfucker that makes a move to a door. Then you take a knife and make shallow slices on each pony in the room. Those that bleed green die while those that bleed red get healed and sent out."

"I am glad we are allies, Navarone," Ditto said.

"So am I," I answered. "So how far is it to their caves, anyway?"

"Not far now," Chrysalis said. "The entrances are over that hill." She nodded to a small hill we were walking to.

"What kind of sentries do they have?"

"Terrible ones," Ditto answered. "They won't know we're coming until we get over the hill. But they'll be hiding, so you probably can't see them. Whatever else I can say about them, they know how to hide."

We topped the hill. I got my first look at the dog territory. _I'm glad I don't have trypophobia_. There were holes all over the place. I looked to Chrysalis. "And I thought your legs were bad! What the hell kind of organizational scheme do these idiots have?"

"They don't," she answered smugly. "Every hole leads into their tunnels. It's a warren down there, and if we didn't know the way our scouts would never return. The dogs are miners, until they feel like being warriors." Fucking dwarves, then. They shouldn't be that hard to eliminate. I just hope I don't have to.

We got down to a good place to stop and Chrysalis called for her people to do so. "Make camp, everypony. We'll stop here for the night and continue on tomorrow. Maybe if we're lucky the dogs here will want some trade."

The changelings wheeled the four wagons into a defensive perimeter and clustered the queen inside. The guards took up positions at each corner and on top of the wagons. A few of the changelings wandered out to peer in holes, trying to look like interested traders. They were doing a pretty good job of acting, in my opinion.

It took half an hour, but a few heads finally poked out of holes. They watched us for a few minutes before disappearing. Five minutes later, a group came out of one of the holes. They walked over to our wagon slowly. I noticed the dogs here were incredibly hunched over, making most of them shorter than I am. I figured that was because they were miners, but I could have been wrong.

There were three obvious warriors and one dog dressed in what looked like a vest or something. When they got close enough to our wagons to be heard, the one in a vest called out, "What do ponies want in our land?"

Chrysalis walked to the edge of the encampment. "We're traders, dog. We're just passing through for the night, but if any of your kind wishes to browse our wares, we will not turn down the business."

The dog in the vest turned to one of the warriors and whispered something. The dog ran back to the tunnel he come from and _dove _down it. While wearing plate armor and wielding a spear.

These dogs, man… They aren't that bright. The dog with the vest pointed to me. "What is that winged freak?"

I stepped forward. "I am Navarone, a human mercenary. I'm traveling with these bloody ponies until I can find a better job. I don't suppose you have any contracts you need fulfilled?"

His eyes widened. "We have heard of you, human! You won the tournament at that party!" He grinned, showing yellowed teeth. "You cheat, but you fight good. Come, we can talk about your career."

"Only if we stay within sight of the encampment. I've heard of a few disappearances around this area. No offence, but I think I prefer being careful."

"You have nothing to fear from us, human. But we can stay close."

I started picking my way across the short field to him. I stepped across several holes, doing my best to avoid them. As I got closer, I noticed how large the two warriors were. They could probably crush a changeling just by punching it. They might be able to pull me in half. _Well, they're miners. They're going to be strong._

"So, you are looking for a job?" the dog asked when I got close enough.

"Aye." Thankfully, they didn't smell bad. I suppose dogs have stronger noses than I do, so keeping clean would be important to them. "I overstayed my welcome with the ponies. Celestia was not happy that I betrayed her people like that in the tournament." I shrugged. "It was time to move on to greener pastures. You guys have anything for me to do?"

"Yes. Much work. We need pony slaves to pull carts. We need to kill a small nest of changelings. We need to plan better defenses for our home. This was supposed to be a small colony of dogs, but with all of the hostile creatures around us that idea quickly fell through. We couldn't just abandon this territory since it was so full of… _gems_…" At this point he salivated slightly before shaking his head. "We are miners. We want to bring our families here, but it is too unsafe for them. We have been doing our best to kill the changeling scum, but they do not take the hints."

"Why kill them? Why not try to live in peace?"

He shook his head. "No peace with them. They must be destroyed or removed."

"That's senseless. Why is peace impossible?"

He growled slightly. "You have lived among ponies too long. Changelings and dogs do not mix. Peace can't exist between us. We need slaves and we need their caves, so we will fight until they are dead."

"And there is no way to convince you or them otherwise?"

He shrugged. "No. But that is good for you, eh? You help us kill them off, we pay you in gems. Lots of gems."

I shook my head. "I do not fight wars. If you heard about my fight in the tournament, you should know that."

He grinned. "I do know that. Which is why I want you to do something else for us. Kill their queen. A bug without a head is a dead bug."

I pretended to think for a moment. "It would take a little while. Do you know where her home is?"

He nodded. "Somewhere near a pony village called Appaloosa. I do not know more than that. You bring us her head, we pay you much."

I took a moment to pretend to consider. "Very well," I finally said. "But I will need some supplies, and they might not be cheap. I would ask for a small advance, if possible."

He nodded once. "I did not think you would come cheap." He turned to one of the two dogs with us, leaned in close, and whispered something to it. That dog turned and dove down another tunnel. I noticed at this time that several unarmed dogs, smaller than the soldiers, were walking from one of the holes to the wagons. A lot of them had bulging bags.

I turned back to the dog. "When my job is complete, who do I come back to, to ask for payment?"

"I am Fido," he told me. "You can ask for me, Spot, or Rover." I almost burst into laughter. I managed to stop myself at a small smile that was partially hidden by the helmet I was still wearing for some reason.

I reached up and pulled it off. "I am Navarone," I said as I moved it to the hook on my belt. The dog looked at my eyes for probably the first time and his own widened a bit. I nodded. "Aye. A curse from Luna. A punishment for my actions. Such is life, for an unwanted creature in Equestria. Maybe with the money from killing the queen I will be able to afford a cure of sorts."

"Did you not get paid for the tournament?"

"Confiscated by Celestia for cheating. All fifteen hundred bits, gone. And I've been banned from competing again."

He shook his head sadly. "The ponies are cruel. But then, we aren't so clean ourselves. You can help us get revenge on them, after you take care of the changelings. There is a village of ponies nearby. In that village is a white unicorn with the most annoying voice you have ever heard. Cut her tongue out and bring her here and we'll pay you good."

"I know that unicorn. I'll think about it."

"Good. We should not have let her escape, but by the time we realized how bad she was her friends had already come to help her. Celestia might not notice one or two ponies missing, but six and a dragon would bring her ire down upon us."

Before I could say anything, the soldier Fido had sent down came back up with a bag in his hands. He ran to us and handed it to Fido, who passed it to me. I couldn't feel what was inside through the gauntlets, but I heard it clinking enough to know it was jewels. And it was a large bag, too.

"Isn't this a little much for an advance?" I asked, hefting it.

"This is a tough job. But I know you can do it. You are well worth it, Navarone. You do this job and you'll get twenty more of those bags to your name. If you bring us the white pony, you'll get three." That's a fortune in my world. Here? Fuck if I know.

"I'll have to finish my contract with the pony caravan, and then I'll be off immediately to kill the queen. I should be in Appaloosa before the month ends."

"I cannot wait. As soon as she is dead, come here. Even if you refuse to help us in an open fight, you can help us plan raids on the changelings. They will be off balance when the queen dies. We will need to keep them that way so they won't be able to initiate any large counterattack."

"I will do that, then. I assume I will be paid when the changelings here are dead?"

"Of course. There are a lot of bad things the ponies say about dogs. Most of them are true. But of all the bad things they say, we are loyal to those that help us, even if it is only for pay. You scratch our back, we scratch yours, yes?"

I smiled. "Yes."

When we got back to the caves the next day, I told Chrysalis all about the conversation. "And I conclude with this: They need to die." I heard Taya sigh.

"Yes, they do," she answered. "I am surprised to see you taking our side on this, after all they offered you. Twenty large bags of gems for my head? I'm somewhat insulted, but that is enough to buy an army. We can have your magic users ready whenever you call for them, Navarone."

"I want them just before dawn. The sentries will be tired and less likely to notice us. We can kill all the rest of the dogs in their sleep."

She gave a vicious grin. "So are you finally going to tell us your plan?"

"Yeah. It's simple. Shoot fireballs down every cave entrance repeatedly. The fire will consume the air in the tunnels and suck the rest of the oxygen out from the inside, creating a virtual vacuum inside. The dogs that don't burn to death immediately will suffocate."

She looked surprised. "That's all?"

"Yeah. I told you, we know a lot about science. More than the ponies ever will, probably. Dogs need oxygen to survive. Fire needs oxygen to survive. Fire consumes oxygen faster than dogs do. If you use enough fire, the caves will be cleared of oxygen. Thus, those that don't burn will suffocate. Everything within should die."

She smiled. "Then it is a good thing we broke all of their prisoners out today." The dogs had three ponies and a whopping one hundred forty seven changeling prisoners. I don't know how they were keeping the changelings alive. The ponies were currently being held in the changeling caves, and would be taken back with me when I returned to Ponyville. I gave them the big bag of gems the dogs gave me, to split up amongst themselves. Not personally, of course; I sent the bag with some changelings that were delivering food to their chamber, along with a note.

"Aye. Stupid fucking dogs…" I did feel a little bad about what I was going to do. They were nice to me. But at the same time, they were dicks to everyone else. Getting rid of them was for the best.

…Right?

"So… What do you changelings do in your spare time around here?" I asked after a little while of silence.

"Sex. Talk. Some of the hatchlings explore the caves. Changelings do not have much free time. And this is not free time, either. Right now we are walking to a meeting." Well, we were definitely walking somewhere. Bugger all if I knew where to, though.

"Is this a meeting for you or a meeting for me?"

"For both of us. But mostly you. We do not have much in the way of a military school or an auditorium, but we do have an announcement area. You are going to talk with the officers in my army about tactics."

"Hold on, what? I don't have any kind of speech prepared!"

"You don't have to give them a speech, Nav. They will ask you questions and present scenarios. You will tell them how you would solve the scenarios given various armies and various technologies and magic. If you honestly do not know or cannot think of an answer, don't worry. I know you weren't a military man."

Damn right I wasn't. I was a computer nerd. I didn't even like RTS games. I could make war plans and I could play small time fights by ear, but I don't think I could actually _lead _troops in a fight. And I don't think I could actually lead a war. I could discuss theoretical tactics, but I don't think I could write out military plans. Planning supply lines, food distributions, civilian management, and all of that would go way over my head. I could just do what I could with common sense and hoped the rest worked out.

Oh, and hope I never have to fight as a general.

"So do you really expect Taya to sit through an entire presentation of that?"

Chrysalis looked at the filly huddled in my arms for a moment before looking at me. "Yes, I do. She would be safe in the hive, but I do not think you would allow her to be away from you for long."

Damn right I wouldn't. I didn't answer her, though. "Can I at least get out of this armor? I've been in it for way too long."

"I am not stopping you from being comfortable, Nav."

"You haven't exactly given me a room. I don't really have anywhere to put it if I took it off."

"Remove it and I will teleport it all to the room you and Taya will be given when she retires for the night."

"It can wait until we get to the entryway of the auditorium."

Her horn lit up and we appeared in the entryway of the auditorium. I set Taya down and began taking my armor off. It disappeared piece by piece, until I was left with the underclothes I was wearing. Which meant… "Dammit I don't have any shoes."

"You'll get over it," Chrysalis said as she began walking down a side hall. I sighed and followed her, my bare feet prickling a bit on the cold floor. At least the floors in this cave were really smooth. Taya followed behind me, of course.

We didn't go far before Chrysalis opened a door and stepped inside. We followed her into what was apparently a stage. There was a table and a bare stone chair on the stage. I looked into the audience and saw glowing blue eyes staring at me from hundreds of faces. Other than those eyes and a single light that barely did anything in the center of the room, it was completely dark.

_Oh lord_. Chrysalis walked up to the front of the stage. Her horn glowed for a moment before she said in a very magnified voice, "Navarone is here to answer any military questions you might have. Present him your scenarios and he will try to answer them." With that, she turned to me. Her horn glowed for a moment. "Sit, Nav," she said in her normal voice. "Your voice will be magnified, so you don't have to scream to be heard." _Slaanesh disapproves._

I sat down in the chair and leaned back as far as my wings would let me. Taya hopped up a second later, which I wasn't expecting her to do. In a less formal setting, sure. Here?

Well, fuck 'em. I didn't really want to do this anyway. Besides, changelings didn't seem big on pony traditions anyway.

Chrysalis acted as the moderator of this massive forum. I was asked hundreds of questions and was given dozens of scenarios. I did okay on the questions and good on the scenarios, I think. A lot of the tactics I said went over their heads when they asked about what humans would do or when I started talking about a technology or gas or something they didn't know about. They had no clue what a cannon was, for example, so my plan of using a cannon to take down a dragon made no sense to them. It would be hard to do anyway, but they are resistant to magic so it would probably be the easiest way to do it.

Still, I like to think I did well enough. I had to call for water a few times because my throat was so dry even though I was talking quietly. Taya was, of course, hungry by the time we finished.

So the creepy as fuck dining hall was where we went next. As we were walking there, I said, "So you aren't disappointed, are you?"

"I was surprised by some of your answers," Chrysalis said. "But not disappointed, no. I understand that you have limitations. Using civilian changelings to disguise as prisoners so you can trade them away is ingenious, if underhanded. And napalm is just… fascinating. Oh the things we could do with that…"

"And it's a good thing you don't have it, I think. I only ever plan on giving the recipe to that mess away in extreme emergencies."

"Of course, of course." We were at the prison. She pushed the door open and we entered. There were fewer ponies in cells this time. When we got to the mess hall, we learned why: Apparently it was feeding time. Taya and I got to the line as Chrysalis transformed into the same pony she had been during the trading thing. She walked to a table with three ponies that looked very ragged and very, _very _scared. They were picking at their food weakly, casting furtive glances around themselves.

When Taya got her tray, we joined them at the table. The three immediately focused in on me. "I've heard of you," one of them whispered. "You're the hooman. What are you doing in Tartarus?"

"This isn't Tartarus, bro," I said. "You're in a changeling cave after getting rescued from a dog cave. Soon you'll be coming with me to Ponyville. From there, you're on your own. With the gems you three got, you should be able to get home, wherever home is for you."

"Oh, and have all of these ponies been _rescued _too?" the mare of their group demanded.

"Oh heavens no! They're all criminals. Celestia gave them to the changelings as food, along with a shipment of love poison." They all looked at me dumbfounded. "A lot has changed since you've been gone, apparently. I'm surprised you were being held that long."

The first guy that spoke snorted. "I'll believe we're free when we get released." He turned back to his mushroom stew, or whatever it was.

I just shrugged and zoned out, happy that I was no longer being grilled by military changelings anymore. Taya didn't take long to eat, thankfully. We stood to go, but the fellow that that yet to speak up stopped us. He stared me in the eye with a hard expression. "Why now, human? Why did you rescue us now?"

"Because tomorrow we are going to kill all the dogs," I answered in a dull voice. We continued out. I think I saw a grim smile on his face before I turned away. Taya dropped her tray off and we left the horrid place. "So where to now?" I asked.

"Your chambers, if you are ready to retire for the night."

"Taya?" She answered with an adorable yawn. "Good enough for me. Lead the way, Chrysalis." She started walking and I followed, Taya in my arms. I turned down to the filly. "You've been practicing at being cute again, haven't you?"

"Maybe."

"Well, keep it up. Cuteness has solved a few of our problems so far. It might be able to do more later."

"Navarone, are you trying to weaponize cuteness?" Chrysalis asked, turning back to us.

"Taya, show her your skills."

She did. Chrysalis was old and tough, though. She wouldn't break from a barely trained filly. I let Taya stop after a few seconds of the assault.

Chrysalis nodded in approval. "With some more practice, you might be dangerous. I'll remember that, Nav. Cuteness doesn't really belong on the battlefield, but I can think of uses for it elsewhere."

"Yeah, I used it to get out of punishment for some of the crazy shit I did during the week you and I met. She's gotten better at it now, though."

"I see. And does she ever use it against you?"

"She doesn't have to. I'm not exactly a good father, Chrysalis. She doesn't do anything wrong so I never have to punish her. She never requests things I don't think she should have so I never have to tell her no. The only reason she would have to use cuteness on me is for practice."

Taya reached around my neck with her front legs and mumbled something into my chest. "I'm going to assume that was something kind," I answered her mumbles. "So where are we staying, anyway?"

For some reason, Chrysalis grinned at that. "There is a room next to mine that has not been used for a while. You will stay there. Our two rooms are connected by a door, if you should need anything."

"Cool. Why isn't that room used?"

"It is the room of my consort, if I had one."

"Oh." Well, I was rather distinctly uncomfortable upon hearing that. If it wasn't for Luna I would happily fuck Chrysalis again. Assuming I could use a contraceptive this time, of course. But Chrysalis knew about Luna, so I don't think she would actually do anything like that to me. I assume there was a reason she was giving me that room. A reason that didn't involve sex.

Either way, she didn't tell me what that reason was.

"So Chrysalis, why don't all the changelings have magic? They all seem to have horns." That was one thing I noticed. I don't think I've really described the regular ones, so I might as well go ahead and do that: They were all about the size of ponies. Each one was pitch black, had glowing blue eyes with no pupils, had insect wings and a horn, and holes in their feet like Chrysalis. Their teeth were sharp and they looked pretty vicious. A few, like Doppel, Chrysalis, and Ditto, had pupils, but most didn't.

She was silent for a while. "I think you already know the answer to that," she said after some time. Her tone was very dark.

"If I knew I wouldn't have asked. But it is obviously a painful subject, so don't worry about it."

"I see. Ask your…" She stopped, mouth open. I don't know what she was trying to say. After a moment, she sighed. "Ask Celestia. She may tell you."

We walked the rest of the way in silence. The bedrooms were considerably more opulent than the rest of the city, though even that wasn't saying much. The mattress was considerably harder than anything I was used to, so I was glad that we were still in the edge end of summer. I still had a few weeks of staying up all night.

I put Taya to bed and began to work on more plagiarism. I had sold off all of Shakespeare's plays. If I hadn't been rich before, I would have been shocked at the money coming in from them. Apparently no one in Equestria ever thought to write tragedies.

I got a few quiet and unpleasant reminders from Celestia about that very fact when she found out who the author was. It honestly wasn't that hard to figure out who I was, since I'm the only one that would be writing a story about humans—other than maybe Lyra. It was too late to recall the things I had already written, but she made me promise to run everything new by her first. I was currently copying _Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea._

I still get pangs of guilt from copying their works, but I put a dedication to the authors in each book I write, as well as an explanation that I'm just bringing the books from my world to theirs, with a few slight modifications when I couldn't remember things exactly.

My main thought as I wrote was that it would be so much easier with a computer.

Either way, I was really into it. Which is why I was rather shocked when my chair was violently swiveled around. Thankfully, the quill I was writing with was lifted so I didn't leave a large streak of ink across the page.

"Chrysalis, why are you shaped like Luna?" I whispered.

"To see how you would react." She turned back to her real form. "I'm a bit disappointed in you, Nav. Not even a flicker of love."

"That's because Luna isn't going to be in a changeling cave. That's not to say she isn't watching, though; she tends to do that quite a bit, unless I'm wearing my ring."

"Oh, she doesn't trust her lover? What a shame…" Chrysalis reached out and ran a fucked up hoof down my chest. I didn't react.

"I think it's boredom more than anything. There's not much to do when you rule when everyone is asleep. Given that, she watches me to see what I get up to in the night hours."

"Oh? And what do you tend to do?"

"Write. Walk. Before I finally gave in to love I fucked quite a bit. Read, if I can find a book I haven't read two or three times already. Shouldn't you be sleeping?"

She pouted as best she could with fangs. "I'm lonely and my bed is cold."

"Get a blanket and a teddy bear. In my experience, mares are really comfortable to sleep against, so try finding one of those. Or get one of your changelings to turn into one."

"I had something else in mind."

"If you already have a plan in mind, why did you need to come and see me?"

"You know how this is the chamber of my consort, yes?"

"Yeah. You told us that while you were leading us here."

"And you know what role the consort usually takes?"

"Yeah. They fuck the ruler."

"Indeed." She took a step closer to me and leaned her head in a bit. "And I was just wondering if…" She was trying to sound seductive. "…you would tuck me in and read me a bedtime story." She was whispering at that last bit, her eyes half-lidded.

"Sure." I stood up and reached under her, picking her up with relative ease. I marveled to myself at how much lighter changelings are. _Wonder what causes that. Maybe that's why they put holes in their legs._

She giggled as I carried her through the door that connected the two rooms. Her room was quite like mine, but the bed was a hell of a lot softer. I reached down with one hand and pulled the blanket away from the bed and gently eased Chrysalis down on her back. She lay there, looking up at me with those awesome green eyes. I slowly pulled the covers up around her. She grinned when she felt their sweet warmth.

I reached down beside her bed and picked up a book that was resting there. "The Three Little Ponies," I intoned aloud as I began to read. It was basically the three little pigs, but with ponies and changelings instead. The end had the changeling alerting his swarm and they attacked the brick house, whittling it down with a massive swarm of changelings. The three ponies ended up being feasted on until they died.

"The end," I said at least, closing the book. She gave a sweet little sigh and closed her eyes. "Goodnight, sweet queen," I whispered, standing up from a chair next to her bed. I quietly walked back to my room, gently shutting the door behind me. "Welp, that was officially the weirdest thing I have ever done." I went back to writing.

Chrysalis entered again a few hours later. I don't know what time it was, but I knew it was time for the assault. I began to put on my armor, staying as quiet as possible. I knew I couldn't take Taya with me today, and I didn't want her asking to be taken.

I know she woke up because I heard her breathing change, but she didn't get up. I followed Chrysalis outside and put my boots on in the hall. My mood was slowly growing darker.

I was about to kill an entire colony of people that showed me kindness.

Chrysalis, perhaps sensing my mood—but more likely because she wasn't a morning person—stayed silent as we stalked through the cave to meet the troops. It took us about a quarter of an hour to get to where they were all standing. Chrysalis led me to the front of the group and nodded at me to talk.

"Greetings, soldiers," I said in a voice loud enough to carry to them all but quiet enough that it couldn't be heard too much farther away. "Today, we are going to kill the Diamond Dogs. The plan is relatively simple. We fly above their cave entrances and shoot fireballs down them for as long as you can maintain them. Any questions?"

After a moment one of the changelings actually raised a hoof. I nodded at him. "Is that it?"

"Yes. The fire will eat the air inside their caves. The dogs that don't burn to death will suffocate. Any other questions?" There weren't. I nodded to Chrysalis.

She nodded to Ditto. "Move out," he ordered. We all took to the air, flying up the shaft that led out of the changeling caves.

I turned to Chrysalis as we flew. "I probably should have asked this before, but are there any tunnels that connect your caves to the Diamond Dog caves?"

"Yes, but they were fully sealed off last night and every other soldier in the hive is watching over them right now."

We made good time to the dog caves. The changelings didn't waste any time getting into position and Ditto didn't waste any time signaling them. It took about ten minutes from the start of my short speech to get to the fire raining down.

I watched silently from my perch on the hill overlooking the caves. It felt wrong. Very, very wrong.

While the mages were shooting fireballs down, a few other soldiers that Ditto brought with us hunted the sentries. They were quickly found. Chrysalis teleported them to the caves personally, a smug expression on her face.

None of them recognized me, thankfully. I don't think I could have looked them in the face if they had. Then again, I didn't do much of that anyway. I just watched the fire streak down and hit the caves, bouncing down. Some of the rocks around the entrances were so hot that they were melting. Most of the sand and dirt had long since turned to glass.

And still the fire came. A long time ago I would have thought the display beautiful.

Now? Now… Now I just felt a hollowness inside, watching it. I knew what that fire was doing. There were no screams—there couldn't be, with the air inside so hot that it would char their lungs if they opened their mouth or breathed in.

Occasionally I found myself watching the changelings as they worked. None smiled, none frowned. Just another day on the job for them. I found myself somewhat envious. After Chrysalis took care of the sentries, she joined in. She was the only one that had any expression at all, and that was a massive grin as she shot streams of green fire into several entrances at once.

There couldn't be a single survivor inside the tunnels. The only dogs that lived were the sentries. I think I felt more sorry for the sentries than I did for those that died.

Four hours after it began it ended. A few of the changelings had to drift off from the group to join me at the perch. They were all able to create fireballs, but not all of them were strong enough to sustain them for that long. I think there at the end Chrysalis was just shooting fire therapeutically.

She landed gracefully in front of us. Even from up here we could feel the heat radiating off the field. She walked up to me beaming. "Even if we didn't kill them all, that was fun!"

I looked up at her with a dead expression. "Yeah. Can we go get Taya and the ponies and go home?"

She shook her head, her smile dropping a bit. "Not just yet. You can go home tomorrow after you help us make sure the caves are clear."

"What?" I'd like to think my tone was dangerous there. A few of the changelings near us shifted.

She cast a quick look around her. She knew she could force me to stay, but that doing so would be a bad idea. "We can talk about it when we get back to the caves." She looked up to her troops. "You have done well, troops. Let us return to the hive. You all have the rest of the day off to recover."

There was no cheering and little whispering. We took off and went back to the changeling cave, as simple as that. Chrysalis and I began to walk back to her abode. "So why are you in such a hurry to leave, Nav?" she asked as we walked. "I thought you didn't much care for the ponies."

_The last time I saw someone smile like that was when Kat was torturing that assassin._ "Killing those dogs like that put a bad taste in my mouth. I want to get home so I can try to put it behind me."

"You said it yourself, Nav: They needed to be put down. They tried to get you to kill me! They were a threat to me and to the ponies, and if you weren't useful to them they probably would have been a threat to you as well."

I know she was right and I couldn't help but hate her for it. "They were kind to me. Offered me jobs and a place to live. Hell, if I looked stronger they probably would have offered me honest work. Knowing I might have to betray them, I was kind. That dog did not hate you and I don't think he hated the ponies. It was just a matter-of-fact refusal to see sense. They did not want peace because they did not want peace. I can't wrap my head around that, and it's driving me mad. The only thing in my mind right now is… 'if he had known, would he have taken peace?'" I shook my head, trying to work it out in my mind.

"It isn't something you can dwell on, Nav. I have made hard decisions like this in the past. I've killed my own subjects… my own _children _because of lack of food. It was a quick death versus starvation. If you had not helped us, more would have died. I would have wasted untold numbers of changelings killing all of the dogs in the caves. It would have been hellish. Peace was impossible, so killing became the only way of resolution."

_And you enjoyed every minute of it_. "This ain't my first rodeo, Chrysalis. I want to say I'm inured to it by now, but this was worse than the last time I did this. I felt bad the last time, but that was mostly because it was my knife that cut throats. It was my flaming bolt that killed all the women and children. I heard the screams as they burned alive. It was bad. But I didn't have any chance to talk to any of them until afterwards, and he eventually thanked me for it. But here…" I sighed, shaking my head. "I'll get over it. It'll take me a while, but I'll get over it. And I refuse to go anywhere near their tunnels until they're cleaned, so don't even bother asking."

"Will you at least consent to staying here until we search their tunnels? You don't have to go near the tunnels yourself, but I want you nearby in case we run into any resistance."

I sighed. "Fine." _I'm doing this for Celestia and Luna._ Just gotta remember that. "It should be cooled off enough to begin exploring tonight. I suggest opening the entrances you have in your caves and going in that way. If you have any way of cancelling out smell, give it to your troops. I don't think it will be pleasant in there."

"I will deal with them."

"So tell me more about changeling society, I guess. I know that you are fertile, but what about the others? Do changelings have families?"

"Yes, they do. There are three real layers of changeling society: Drones, sentients, and the intelligentsia. I am not proud of it, but we did what we had to do in order to survive. Drones do not do much in the way of thinking. They do the common labor. Mining, mindless swarm fighting, construction, things like that. The sentients are the common class. They do most of the labor that requires thought, and make up the bulk of the army. Troops are most useful if they have initiative, after all. The intelligentsia are the planners of changeling society. The 'scientists' that you gave the information to yesterday were some of them. Ditto is one. _I _am one. You can tell who we are by our pupils. I honestly don't know why the smartest of us have them while the others don't, but that's the way it is. Any of them can have families if they want, but most drones don't. Interbreeding between groups is allowed and now that food supplies are stable it will be encouraged. There is no longer a reason for a divided society."

"I wish humans could see the same thing. There's a place in my world called India. For a long time, you were born into a very rigid division and that is where you stayed no matter what. If you were the lowest, you stayed the lowest. If you were the highest, you stayed the highest. It didn't matter if you were the smartest son of a bitch alive, if you were born in the low class you stayed there. When I left it was a little better in some places, but not by much and not everywhere."

"Well, it is somewhat the same here. The only difference is that all of the drones actually are born stupid. Any that show signs of intelligence are quickly brought away from the drones and given to the sentients. I don't like taking hatchlings away from parents, but I dislike wasted potential even more. I expect it will take a few generations to have changeling society back to the way it should be."

"Will you ever move out of these caves and back to the open?"

She looked around. Saw the darkness, the oppressiveness. Saw the dull looks on the faces of her subjects. I don't know what all she saw. Maybe she was looking at it with a rose tint. "I do not think so, Navarone," she finally said. "With electricity coming up, I think things will get happier down here."

"There was a cave of naga I ran into a while back. They had their caverns lit up with massive amounts of torches on the roof, put into the shape of constellations in the sky. It was hard for them to keep the torches lit, but when they could it was beautiful."

She shook her head. "What about… what was it? Carbon dioxide, you said? Wouldn't that be a problem?"

"I thought so too, actually. They didn't have any problems with it. Though they also spend most of their time under the water. It might have had something to do with the shaft they had leading to the surface, though."

"Either way, that is not something I consider worth the time. We have to get our wood from Equestrian forests. For the most part, we steal it with no worries of getting caught. But now that we are allies, it will be harder to do."

"Couldn't you start a new colony up north in Canada and loot the shit out of their trees?"

"I don't know what Canada is, but north is griffin territory. We do not like griffins. We do not like them at all."

"Then you shouldn't feel any compunctions about stealing from them!"

She shook her head. "No, Nav. We don't like them and they _really _don't like us. If they saw any of my changelings, they would not stop until the swarm was dead. And the griffins are fully capable of taking down a small colony."

"Eh, whatever. What about far west, in a place like Montana or something? I don't think Celestia has anything up there."

"I don't know what Montana is. We don't know too much about the areas in the far west. We know about Appaloosa, but our knowledge doesn't go farther west than the buffalo territories out there."

"That's disconcerting. It's like no race on this planet has any kind of wanderlust at all. When I get tired of the damn ponies, I'm going to slip on my ring and explore the world for a few years. Link up trade routes, build roads, become an adventurer, loot treasure, all that fun stuff."

She smirked at that. "Why would you need to loot treasure? You already own the majority shares in a soon-to-be lucrative changeling mine."

"Um. What?"

"Oh come now, Nav! You saved my life and the lives of all of my subjects by proxy. And now you come here to this little hive and not only help us destroy the Diamond Dogs, but give us the means to escape the darkness. You _will _be rewarded! And Celestia has already agreed to it, so don't even bother saying she wouldn't allow it."

"Would it help if I said please?"

"No. No it would not. You are going to be a very rich stallion soon, Nav."

"I already am a very rich man. I have a large amount of money made from helping the princesses, I have even more from winning the tournament at Maris, and when I sold some of the books I wrote I got _even more_ fucking bits. I could open a damn bank I have so much green. Er, gold. Whatever."

"Well, a little more never hurt anypony. Although this won't exactly be 'a little.' We saw some of the carts the dogs wheeled out of those mines. That place is so full of gems it isn't even funny."

"And you don't think their homeland will fight to take it back?"

"They can't. To risk an open war within Equestria's borders is suicide. They will gnash their teeth and wring their paws, but we own their mine, now." She giggled. "Well, mostly you. I'm sure you'll find something to do with all of those gems."

My left eye twitched a bit. _Well, Rarity is going to have a gem-gasm when I tell her._ "I'll figure something out. A friend of mine knows a spell that allows her to detect gems. Do any of your people know that spell?"

"No. No we don't. You will have her teach me this spell so I can teach it to some of my miners." She grinned wider. "Output will explode with this spell."

It took me a long time to figure this out, but I think Equestria is a video game. I started penniless and alone, with only my good lucks and natural charm. I grinded charisma for a while and used that to ingratiate myself with the princesses and all of the ponies. Then I started grinding crossbow accuracy and cross-classed a bit with knives. I started off at shit tasks with low pay and worked my way up to hard tasks with ever increasing pay, and pushed my way through societies ranks, starting from the outsider and ending up the right hand man of the ruler of the strongest country in the rule and a personal friend of the queen of the changelings and an ally of several other people.

I wish I could turn the game off for a while. There was a long period of time back when I was young when I wished anything interesting would happen. I got over that when I started reading a lot, when I realized what 'interesting' meant. Then I just wished to live in a world of peace. Well, I got my second wish. And then I learned what a world of peace takes to maintain, and I got my first wish.

Life sucks, and then you die. Unless you lose the ability to die because princesses keep healing you when you get close to death and you can't die of old age anymore. So I guess life just sucks.

We made good time to our chambers, at least. Taya was up and about, reading through the stuff I had written. I was using her as my basic proof-reader. Twilight fine-tuned everything.

She looked up as we entered. "Password?" I asked.

"Password," she answered. "How did it go?"

"The way it had to," I answered with a sigh. I started dropping the armor. Chrysalis looked on in amusement. When I had everything off I turned to her. "Well, what now?"

"First, feed me. The spells I cast earlier sucked a lot of my strength out." We stepped close to each other. Her horn lit up and she took what she needed with a smile. "Now, I believe Taya needs to eat." Taya looked up at that. "Yes, she does. Shall we?"

We most definitely did. Chrysalis led the way back to the mess hall. "So why are you leading us everywhere personally?" I asked her as we sat down at an empty table. We got there at a meal time, so there was plenty to eat. "Don't you have, like, queenly shit to do?"

She waved a hoof. "I have advisors that can take my place for a few days. They managed while I was imprisoned within Canterlot, and while I was pretending to be Mi Amore Cadenza. Besides, the most important event in my kingdom is happening right here."

I looked around. "Ponies eating?" I asked after a moment.

She slapped me across the face with magic. At least it wasn't very hard, like Rarity. Taya glared at her for a moment before turning back to her mushroom marsala.

I looked at her mushroom thing. "There better not be wine in that," I said to Chrysalis.

"What is wine?"

"Another alcohol. So there really isn't anything more important happening than killing the Diamond Dogs?"

"Not just that, Nav. _You_. You are one of the only non-changelings we have peacefully hosted in our caves in a very long time. The only one here that has or is allowed to feed off you is me, unless you give express permission. So you are a peaceful guest here for a purpose other than food. And you are here on behalf of an ally nation of ponies. So you are a high ranking official from another peaceful nation here to help us in our time of need. I would be insulting Equestria if I did not show you around myself."

"Well, you're more fun than most of the changelings. None of the officers in that crowd last night laughed at any of my jokes." Chrysalis smiled at a few, but she didn't laugh. "And you seem to have a personality, while none of the others do that I've seen. Doppel was all over the place with her moods and personalities. Crazy bitch punched me in the face one day. I came out on top, but still!"

"As I recall, you also punched me in the face."

"Yeah, but you deserved it! I just knocked on your door. She opened it, grabbed me, threw me inside, and jumped on me, demanded an answer to a question, and punched me in the face when I gave a smartass response."

"It sounds to me like you deserved it," Chrysalis answered with a grin.

"Yeah, well, she got hers. Speaking of maids, though, I noticed you don't seem to have one this time. What happened?"

"I do not usually have a maid. Doppel flew with the army without me knowing. She is one of the serving staff assigned to my palace at the main hive. She is… protective of me, I suppose. I was surprised and somewhat pleased to find that she was there to help me through that hard time."

"I'm glad you had a friend as well. I'm somewhat surprised Celestia allowed it, but it is a good thing she did."

"I did have a friend, Nav. And… thank you."

"I don't usually accept thanks for things like this, but you are welcome. I knew you were in a dark place and I knew I could help. I'm glad I took the time to. You know I'll come if you call, unless my services are required elsewhere."

"If I call, eh? Are your ears so good as to hear me from Appaloosa?"

I grinned. "Ask your scientists about telephones. I showed him those as well. They could probably make them, eventually. Since all your hives are apparently connected, you could run telephone wires to every hive you have with no issue."

"I could ask them… or you could tell me. What is a telephone?"

"A way to instantly communicate. On my world, one person could be standing on one side of the world and another person could be standing on the other side and they could talk nearly instantly to each other through a telephone. Every word one person says will be transmitted to the other person and vice versa, and it's nearly instant, just a few milliseconds off."

"Amazing. It's like dragon fire, but with words rather than letters!"

"And anyone can do it. We also have a way to instantly send letters, though they aren't actual paper letters. It's some really fascinating stuff. I've always wanted to bring some of this tech to Equestria, but Twilight always giggles as she's writing the letters to the princess about it. I don't know if she thinks I'm lying or what, but I don't think she would be much help."

"You've never showed her any of the memories of your past life?"

"Hell no. You remember what you saw. I would be banished from Equestria if I let any of those memories get out. Not even Celestia has seen them. And no one knows my real name yet."

"I see. Then I shall not discuss my findings with her, as I had planned. I suppose this technology is ours for the keeping, then."

"When you start making tech, I want some of it. Whenever I move out of Twilight's house, I want a house that isn't dependent on magic to run. I miss electricity."

"I can understand that, given the dependence your world has on it. You will have all that you need from us, of course. After all, none of it would exist if you didn't tell us how to do it."

"Awesome." Taya had finished her food. "So now what?"

"Well, I don't have anything specific planned, but… Well, no, I don't think you would be interested in that."

I shrugged. "So we got a bit of free time?"

She looked disappointed that I didn't inquire as to what it is I wouldn't be interested in. "Yes, I have nothing planned. If you are interested, we could talk to more of the intelligentsia. I'm sure you humans have all sorts of strange ideas we could use to increase productivity here in the hive."

"So another large Q and A session? Neat."

"Q and A… Question and answer?" I nodded. "Yes. I understand that you do not know what we have in terms of technology, so we will ask you general questions. You will answer as best you can."

"Easy enough. How long should it take to get together a crowd?"

"Less than an hour. The discussion you had with the military changelings made its rounds, and the civilians want their own shot at you."

"Chrysalis, no offense, but how do you know all of this? I mean, the changelings seem completely expressionless while around me. I haven't seen any of them make any reaction to me like I'm a big hero or anything. They seem completely neutral around me."

"They don't know what to make of you, that's why. They don't want to offend you. The one that asked you a question earlier today, before the assault, was terrified." I sure couldn't tell. I was starting to think Chrysalis was either insane or trying to show off something that wasn't there. She keeps saying things about how much of a hero I am but how they show it differently, but I haven't seen any emotions here at all. It's getting to be a bit creepy.

But given that I was trapped here for a bit longer, I was going to stay silent on the matter and just smile and nod. She led us to the auditorium and left us there for almost exactly one hour. Taya was showing off magic when changelings began to shuffle in and take seats. Chrysalis joined us on the stage a few minutes later. She acted as moderator again and I was given questions about everything under the sun. Including the sun, actually. Quite a few asked me if I knew how Celestia was controlling the sun.

I did okay, I suppose. I only know so much. I like to think I'm smart and that I have some decent common sense, but some of their questions were really fucking out there. And I mean 'fucking' out there literally. Some asked about sex. I covered Taya's ears and answered them after giving Chrysalis a glare for letting the questions through.

I don't even know how long we were there. I just know it took a long time and a lot of thinking. I needed a chalkboard to answer some of their questions, to draw diagrams or something. We took a break to eat and then went right back to it.

Before long it was time to put Taya back to bed. Chrysalis had me read her another bedtime story, which just seemed creepy as fuck and extremely out of character. But given that she let me pet her earlier it doesn't seem that odd. Either way, I did that and went back to writing for a long time.

When morning came—what we assumed was morning, given that we couldn't see the sun—Chrysalis came into my room and announced, "All of the Diamond Dogs are dead. Not a single one survived."

"Woopty doo." I didn't sound very excited.

She rolled her eyes. "You two can go home after you eat and gather the ponies you are taking with you."

I began gathering my armor and slipping it on. When I had everything, we all took off to the dining area. "So how are we going to get the ponies out of the cave?" I asked as we walked.

"The same way we got them in. Surround them with changelings and fly."

"You can't just teleport them?"

"Well, I _could_. But I do not make it a point to teleport just anypony."

"Whatever. So when should I start getting shipments of gems?"

"The first is going with you on your way back. I will unfortunately be unable to return with you, but I will send a few drones with you as carriers and a sentient to learn the spell from your friend."

"Alright. Now, what kinda gem level are we talking about here? Like, a few hundred this trip?"

For some reason she smiled at that and refused to answer.


	47. Chapter Forty-Five

Chapter Forty-Five—Rewards and more spells

I found out why when we got to the surface. I almost dropped Taya back down the shaft in surprise when I saw a wagon stuffed full of gems. "How the fuck?"

The 'sentient' in charge of the drones that were pulling the wagon answered, "The dogs had a shipment of gems ready to be sent home when we killed them. This is a few of the ones they were going to send."

Wow. Just… wow.

As soon as the three prisoner ponies were set down, we started off down the road to Ponyville. At a walking pace, it took us an hour. The three ponies seemed to grow more and more relaxed as we got closer and closer. When we actually got within view of the town, they all seemed to just… mellow out. It was odd. I also didn't care, because it was no longer my problem. We got to the town and I sent them straight to town hall and off they went.

"Taya, go get Spike. Bring him and something I can write a letter with to Rarity's shop." She nodded and trotted off. I led the changelings down to Rarity's shop. "So what's your name, anyway?" I asked the important changeling.

"Xerox."

"I'm starting to see a trend here," I commented as the wagon pulled up next to her house. "Come on." He followed me up to the door which I opened without knocking. You'd think I would have learned my lesson, but meh.

Thankfully, nothing strange was going on this time, and Rarity was actually in the shop. "Just a minute," she called to us from another room. When she came in she stopped dead, staring at the changeling. "Uh…"

"Hello, Rarity," I said. "This is Xerox. Can you teach him a spell?"

Her gaze jerked to me. "Oh. Navarone." She glanced back to the changeling. "I… could try. What spell?"

"The one that allows them to find gems."

"Oh, yes! That one is simple." She turned to the changeling. "Just… can you come closer? And do you have a gem to practice on?" I tossed her an emerald that I grabbed from the cart before we stepped in. She caught it with magic and set it down on a table as the changeling stepped further in. She seemed to grow a bit timid at his presence.

They did something with their horns. After a moment, the stone lit up blue, showing that Rarity was finding it. It stopped that and a moment later it lit up green. The changeling nodded once and backed up to my side again. Rarity watched him the whole time.

"Alright, Rarity, I have a bit of interesting news for you. You first have to promise me you won't freak out."

"Navarone, the last time you had me promise that _you put Celestia's crown on my head_! What could possibly top that?"

"Promise me, first."

She sighed. "I promise I won't freak out."

"I now have majority ownership in a very strong gem mine and I have a wagon full of gems outside that are now yours."

She was silent for over a minute. She slowly walked to her door, not moving her eyes from the door at all. She brushed past the changeling without even noticing that she touched him. She opened the door and stuck her head out. In front of her was Spike, Taya, four changelings, a wagon full of gems, and several ponies that were standing around wondering what the hell was going on.

The door slowly swung shut. Rarity turned to me with a scary look in her eyes. I quickly reached down and snatched Xerox up, holding him between me and Rarity. "I have a changeling and I'm not afraid to use it!"

That seemed to break her. She just let out a small giggle. "Now I know I'm dreaming." She giggled again, walked up to me, stood on her hind legs, wrapped her forelegs around the changeling, closed her eyes, and gave it a huge kiss on the mouth. "Ah, that should wake me up…" She opened her eyes and came face to face with a very confused changeling.

I think Celestia might have been able to hear that scream all the way in Canterlot.

When Rarity stopped freaking out, she apologized profusely to the changeling. I honestly don't think he minded much, personally. They were both blushing quite a bit through the whole ordeal, and I was rather glad Spike hadn't been there to see it.

Apologies done, she stepped outside to give the wagon a _real _look. The changelings had unhooked themselves and were standing in front of it, trying and failing to look official. Rarity gave them a cursory look before opening the back of the wagon. Gems tumbled to the ground and all the ponies nearby gasped. Rarity's eyes were doing their best to bulge out of her head, and Spike was doing his best to not pounce on the gems.

"Spike, take a few. I think Rarity has more than enough." He looked at me for a moment before turning to Rarity for a longer moment before fixing his gaze on the wagon. He slowly walked over to it and grabbed a sapphire. With a shrug, he took a bite that I couldn't help but flinch at. _That's just not natural._

He chewed it with every sign of enjoyment, though. Rarity was standing on her hind legs again, peering over the side of the wagon. She jumped down and turned to me with a twinkle in her eyes.

For a moment I thought I was going to need an adult.

Thankfully, that moment passed without any adults needing to be present. "Thank you for this, Navarone," she said, her voice quivering slightly.

"No problem. I don't suppose we can get them unloaded and inside or something so the changelings can take their wagon and get back?"

She looked at them now. Xerox had joined the others and was casting the occasional blush-filled glance at Rarity. "I don't suppose you fine stallions would help a poor little mare like me unload a wagon, would you?"

Xerox actually flinched like he was going to help, but they all turned their gaze to me. I said to Rarity, "If you consider yourself poor after getting a wagon full of jewels delivered to you, I'd hate to see what would make you rich. You have magic. Unload it yourself."

She rolled her eyes. Her horn glowed and the wagon tipped backwards, dumping all the jewels on the ground, making a pile as high as one of those that I had seen on the dragon's mountain. The ponies standing around gaped. Even I couldn't help but raise my eyebrows. That was pretty insane.

I turned to the changelings. "Wagon's yours, boys. When can we expect the next shipment?"

Xerox said, "I don't know. I would say at most a month."

Rarity looked at me with an expression I couldn't match. "Next. Shipment," she whispered.

"Yeah," I answered. "I told you, I have majority share in the mine now. I'm apparently going to be getting shipments of gems. I know I sure don't need any fucking gems."

Taya had to go get Twilight to pry Rarity off me, and it took both Twilight and Taya to do it. Spike was switching between staring at the pile of gems in wonder and glaring at me in jealousy. The changelings were looking around the town, probably wondering if they could get away with sneaking a snack. Most of the ponies had wandered off by the time Twilight got there to help me.

When I finally got up, I dragged Spike inside Rarity's shop, along with the letter writing materials. I gave Spike a quick apology and then wrote out what happened to Celestia. Well, most of what happened. I didn't include the bedtime stories.

I couldn't help but smile when I looked at the header: "Forgive me Princess, for I have sinned." Then I stopped smiling and I handed the letter to Spike. Mass murder is only funny when it wasn't you that did the murdering. One day I might be able to make jokes about it, but right now it just wasn't sitting right with me.

And off the letter went. "I'm sorry for being a bit of a massive cockblock, Spike," I said. "I honestly didn't know what else to do with these gems. I would have given them to you to give to her, but I don't think she'd buy that."

"S'cool, I guess. So you're pretty much the richest guy in Equestria right now, huh?"

"I hope not. Do ponies have charities? I need a way to get rid of all these bits before it comes back to haunt me."

"Nav, how is all this money going to haunt you?"

"Because the storage room is full of bags of bits right now. I have nowhere else to put this stuff! It keeps rolling in from all the books I'm selling and I'm not spending any of it! It's just sitting there in that room, mocking me. I have nothing I want and nothing I need. I can't just give all the money to you for your dragon den because then you'll freak out and grow huge and evil or something." He scoffed. I continued, "So I need something to do with it."

"I think you should—" Spike started before being interrupted by me disappearing.

I reappeared in a very furry white place that slowly resolved into what I would call "squished against Celestia's chest." I was held in place by wings, since her trying to hug me with her forelegs would be bad news for me.

"Um. Hi Celestia," I mumbled into her fur. "Why are you hugging me?"

"Because I know how much you hurt right now."

"Celestia, you know I'm neither a child nor a pony. Please let me go." Seriously, what is up with royalty these days? First Chrysalis and now Celestia?

She sighed and did so. "I didn't think that would work. Sit, tell me more about what happened."

I sat and proceeded to do just that. I told her the longer version of everything but left out the bedtime story again. She looked close to tears when I told her what had to happen with the dogs.

"I'm so sorry, Nav," she said when I finished. "I sent you there because I expected peace to be possible. If I had known, I never would have…" She sighed. "It's done now. And apparently you have even more riches."

"Yeah. She said I had to take the damn mine, or whatever. Said you allowed it." I shrugged. "I gave all the gems to Rarity and Spike. They have uses for them. As soon as I find someone dumb enough to take it, I'll give most of the bits away as well. Do you know of any charities in Equestria?"

"We don't have any. All the ponies that go through trauma get by through community efforts, not by private charities. The gems you gave the three that were held by the Diamond Dogs and the bits you arranged the pirate slaves to get helped tremendously. I still get updates from the pirate slaves… Some of them aren't doing too well, Nav. Though they did start a business together."

"Sucks for them. What about those three orphans I sent up this way?"

She nodded. "Doing fine. I think they would have been better off in Ponyville, but they're doing just fine here."

"Good. Is there anything else you need?"

"What do you think of Chrysalis?"

"A quick opinion or a general overview?"

"Anything you feel like sharing."

"I think she has some mental problems. I fear she's partially delusional. I know she has some wild mood swings. She asks me to do some really strange things that don't fit at all with the rest of her character. She was shooting flames into the Diamond Dog caves with a psychotic grin on her face and then she asked me to tuck her into bed and read her a bedtime story. When she was locked here in Canterlot she turned into a filly sized version of herself, sat on my lap, and told me to pet her. The entire time we were in the caves, she insisted all the changelings considered me a hero and were wildly expressive of it whenever I wasn't around, but I never saw a lick of that. I spent hours talking to the changelings in some Q and A sessions. None of them ever showed any emotions or anything like that. When I asked her why all of the changelings had horns but so few could use magic I think she almost flew off the handle. There's something wrong with her. Denial, maybe. I don't know."

She nodded. "I see. Do you trust her?"

"Do I trust her? As an ally of Equestria… I don't think she'll betray you anytime soon, as long as you continue serving her interests. Do I trust her myself? Well. Honestly, I think I do. I think she likes me and is afraid enough of earning the ire of Equestria that she isn't going to try to jump my bones again." I thought about something. "Can I trust you with something very interesting, without you telling Luna?"

"Of course, Nav."

"Apparently Chrysalis is so fertile she can mate with other species."

"I… what?"

"That's what I said. She said I knocked her up and she had my eggs. Freaked me the fuck out."

"I did not know that. Do you think she's lying?"

"I hope so, but I don't really know. She said they would be raised and that I would never have to see them if I don't want to. They'll apparently look like changelings. I can't imagine what other features they might have."

"I will look into this for you. No experiments have ever been done on this, as far as I know. I don't suppose… Will you let me watch those days, through your mind?"

"Why didn't you just do that first? Would have saved us both some bloody time…"

"Because I will only see and hear your reactions from watching it. I won't know what you are thinking about. Either way, I'm going to take that answer as a yes." Her horn lit up. I gave her the grand tour. "This isn't right," she muttered when we were halfway through. Her horn lit up brighter and I felt a sharp pain in my temple. "There it is," she whispered. She didn't say anything else about whatever it was, just kept going. When we finished, she said, "I didn't see any of the memories you were giving Taya and that changeling. And I didn't see any of what Chrysalis took. I need to know, Navarone, in case they are threats to my ponies."

"Celestia, I can promise you that nothing I gave Taya or that one changeling will be able to directly harm a large number of your people. They might indirectly suffer from being left so far behind in terms of tech that it isn't fair, but they should be able to compensate with magic. As for what Chrysalis took, I just gave her all of the most horrible memories I have of my time on Earth. Most of them were from our history. There was nothing she could use to harm you."

"When it comes to the safety of my ponies, I take nothing to chance. Show me."

_Well, that's how much you trust me._ I showed her everything I could dredge up about the technology. I didn't give her anything of the evils I showed Chrysalis.

"Navarone, that's not everything."

"Please, Celestia. Don't make me do this. I don't want to see that look in your eyes. I don't want you to see what we've done. You know it's horrible. You know it's terrible. I don't want you to see it. For your sake, please don't do this."

She looked me in the eyes and I could see the sorrow there, as I'm sure she could see it in me. After a long while, she nodded. "Very well, Navarone. I trust you on this." I sagged in relief. I couldn't bear to see an accusation in her eyes whenever she looked at me, and I know she would think ill of me even if it was for the actions of my species rather than me. She would know that it wasn't me, but she would still think ill of me for it. You can't help that. "However, I do want to do some things with this electricity of yours. When Twilight sent me the letters about human marvels, they were written as though she believed you were lying. Some of what you said seemed too farfetched to believe without proof. Your memories are proof enough to me."

"Well, you have the memories now. Do whatever you want. I just want to go back home and try to forget."

"Oh, I know. I know just the two ponies to give all this information to, as well. But they'll have to be reigned in a bit, tied to the royal yoke so to speak. Do you think you could help me with that, Navarone?"

"Celestia, if you need my help in convincing your ponies to assist you, you are failing as a leader. And I mean that in the nicest way possible."

"I don't think there _is _a nice meaning in that statement, Navarone."

"Then I guess it's a good thing we've already established that I'm not a good person." My chair flew backwards, tumbling me over. "Dammit, not in the armor!" That actually hurt.

She giggled as she pulled me and the chair upright. "I got that idea from Twilight, who apparently got it from Taya. It's funny." _Oh lord._

"Isn't it bad enough that I get tackled to the ground every time a pony wants a hug? Why do you insist upon throwing me around with your horrid magic as well?"

"As I said, it's funny."

"Freaking Trolestia. Don't you have princess things to be doing?"

"Aww, is the big bad human upset?"

_That's it._ I pulled my gauntlet off and slid my ring on. "I didn't want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice."

"Oh, and what are you gonna do?" She was smirking. That's never a good sign.

I stood up, walked over to her, bent down in front of her face, and licked her right on the snout. "That's right, I licked your snout. What're you gonna do about it?"

Look very, very shocked and surprised, apparently. Surprised enough that she didn't catch me as I lifted my foot up and kicked her couch over, sending her to the floor and onto her back. I was on her in an instant.

And I immediately began to rub her tummy violently. "That's a bad pony! That's a bad, bad pony!"

She was laughing like mad, now. One thing I learned from both my time as a pony and my time as a human is that rubbing pony bellies has some odd effects. Some, it calms down. Some it makes giggle. I don't like remembering what it did to Rarity.

After a few minutes, I stopped. I don't think she would ever forgive me if I made her laugh so hard she peed herself. I don't think I would ever wipe that image from my mind, either. I stood up, stepped back, and nodded. "Yeah, that's what I thought. Ain't so high and mighty when you're being tickled, are you?"

She was still having giggle-spasms. It was really funny. I set her couch upright on the way back to my chair.

She was still on the floor three minutes later. "Are you planning on getting up any time soon?" I asked.

"Come help me up."

"Hell no. You'll just pull me down on the floor and somehow tickle me through my armor with your hooves even though that makes no sense."

"Don't make me tell my guards on you."

"Psh. You'd have to get up to do that."

"…Please?"

I sighed and stood again. "I can't believe I spoil you so. You better not tell Luna I treat you like this, or she might get jealous."

She smiled as she took my proffered hand. "You know that you're the most interesting gossip piece we have. What _will _all the mares think when they learned that you licked my snout? And then rubbed my stomach! The scandal!" She pulled herself up without my help, just holding my hand.

"Just tell them it's a human tradition common to the liege lady's sister. Or better yet, don't tell them at all. I think you'd go through more scandal than I would. But given you want your sister to be happy…" I shrugged. We had returned to our seats by this time.

"What, let her be happy at the sake of my happiness? Does that really seem fair to you?"

"That's something you'll have to bring up with her, not me. My biology will only allow me to be with her for half the year. I don't think I could switch up my sleep schedule in the fall and winter to allow me to sleep at day. My body probably would require some sun. I was only in the caves for a short time and I felt myself growing weary. It was only the trips to the surface that kept me up and about."

"I… see. That is a somewhat callous approach, Nav."

"Celestia, I'm new to this whole love thing. And you know I'm a blunt person. I know you and Luna have been alone for so long… It's unfair to both of you. Why should one be happy while the other is still not? If my time is so broken up like that anyway…" I shrugged.

She appeared to be in thought for a little while. "I… I might talk to Luna. I could see her taking this the wrong way. I will have to think about this, Navarone. It is not a decision any of the three of us could take lightly."

"Celestia, I'm a fucking alien in this world. If any of your ponies raises a fit about you and Luna taking the same consort, tell them that stranger things have happened. Like my existence. And even if they refuse to believe that, what are they going to do? You're the fucking princess, who's going to stop you?"

"Well, when you put it that way… I'll think about it. Now, take your ring off so I can send you home."

"Promise me you won't do anything _but _send me home."

"Spoilsport. I won't."

I nodded and took my ring off. I reappeared back in Rarity's shop. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but it had been a few hours since I left and I don't think she was expecting me back.

The shop was empty, either way. I stepped outside to find the wagon and gems gone. It was still light out, but it seemed like the entire town was gone. I didn't see a single pony there.

That meant one of two things: Monster on the loose or a Pinkie party. I unslung my crossbow and quickly cocked it. I could see Pinkie throwing a party for the gems, but there was no telling what kind of retaliation might have been in place for what was done to the Diamond Dogs.

I stalked through the town as quietly as I could, looking for anything amiss. After a while of searching, I found them all in the library, somehow. I don't know how they all fit. I heard party music and I could see them dancing and whatnot through the windows.

I uncocked the crossbow and took off to find a nice cloud. When I got a good one I did my best to get comfortable for a while. Needless to say, the next time I saw Pinkie she was angry at me for skipping out on yet another of my anniversary parties. Year four in Equestria.

"Are you sure about this, Twilight?" I asked, looking at her dubiously.

It was a few weeks after that whole violently murder all the dogs thing. Taya, Twilight, Spike, and I were all in the library, standing within a chalk circle. Runes covered the floor around us.

"I'm… pretty sure," she answered.

"You don't sound that sure," Spike commented. It's true, she didn't.

"Well, it should be reversible."

"Should be? You don't even know what this spell is going to do!" I replied. I didn't want to be in this circle at all.

"I'm positive it won't actually _hurt _us, Nav. Other than that… who can say?"

"Uh. Celestia, if you stopped being lazy and asked her."

"She's too busy to make time for this!"

"Twilight, she sees me every time I send her a letter and every time I need to talk to her. She is willing to reply to every letter you send that needs a reply, and she usually does it promptly. It would take her all of three minutes or so to tell you what this weird spell is going to do. You don't need to randomly cast it."

"Well… That's beside the point! Now stop complaining and let me concentrate."

Fucking unic—actually, no. Twilight's the only one that's like this, I can't really make a generalization here. So, fucking Twilight.

Her horn lit up. She squeezed her eyes shut and then everything went all fucked up.

The first thing I noticed was how ridiculously short I was. I don't know how I noticed that before I noticed that I wasn't in my body anymore.

"Alright, fuck magic. I'm done with that shit for good." The three others turned to me. They probably weren't expecting Taya's voice to say something like that. "I'm Navarone. Who are you three?"

Spike's body said, "Twilight."

Twilight's body said, "Spike."

My body shrugged.

"Alright. Taya, sit down. You don't know how to walk on two legs and I don't want you to bust my face." She sat down, doing her best not to fall. "Twilight, fix it. Now."

"I… I don't have a horn," she answered, going cross-eyed trying to look at her forehead.

"Fuck. I don't know how to use magic, Spike doesn't know how to use magic, and you don't know how to send fire messages to Celestia. Suggestions?"

"Rarity?" Spike asked. "She might be able to help." He was looking at his hooves, probably trying to figure out how to pick things up.

Twilight turned to him. "Do you know where she is today?" Spike tried to shrug but couldn't.

"Spike, sit down. You don't know how to walk on four legs," I told him. "No need to make Twilight uglier by busting up her face." She shot me a glare. "Hey, I may be down for sex with you guys now, but you're still ugly as sin. Sorry." She muttered something dark.

When she got over it, she said, "So. We should probably find Rarity."

"Well, you and I are the only ones that can walk right now. I would suggest rock paper scissors, but I can't really do much with a hoof."

"Well, given that I need to look for the reverse spell anyway, I believe it best if you go." _Fuck_.

"I blame you for this, Spike," I said as I walked to the door. I stopped when I got there. "Twilight, can you open the door for me?"

She looked up from her book. "Navarone, it's a _door_. It's not going to bite." She bent back down to it. "Ugh, I can't read this at all!" I guess she ran into the problem Spike and I had with reading spell books. She passed the book to Spike and told him what to look for.

Fucking doors. Why do ponies even make doorknobs? I tried opening it. Nothing. "Fuck this shit."

I jumped out the window. It was open, so whatever. It was kind of hard to do in a filly body, but I wasn't going to get stopped by a damn door. I began to walk to Rarity's home.

The town looked odd as a filly. Everything was bigger. It felt odd to not have wings. I couldn't even feel my horn. My entire body felt weak. I was a girl—which wasn't exactly unknown to me, what with the stones and all. Thankfully, the walk to Rarity's house was uneventful. I kicked the door a few times since I couldn't actually open it myself.

Sweetie Belle answered. "Oh, hi Taya! Here to try to get your cutie mark again?"

"Not exactly. Is Rarity in?"

She didn't look amused. "You _never _want to hang out! It's just magic magic magic! Well, you're coming with me, like it or not!" She grabbed one of my forelegs and started dragging me.

"Hold up, this shit ain't happenin'." Sweetie Belle froze. She only knew one person that talked like that. "Twilight fucked up some of her bloody magic and I got switched to Taya's body. I already know what _my _cutie mark would have been. Taya will have to find her own on her time. Where's Rarity?"

She sniffed. "Nice try, but I'm not falling for that one again."_ Again? What the hell has Taya been up to?_

I ripped my hoof away from hers. "I know you don't know how to use magic. I can barely use this pony body, but I'm more than a match for a jumped up filly, even if I am in a filly's body. You try bringing me with you, you're gonna have a fight on your hands."

Her eyes went wide and she took an involuntary step back. "You weren't lying! Taya always just used magic to hold me in place." She gulped. "I'm sorry, Nav… Rarity's with Fluttershy at the spa today."

"For fuck's sake… Tell her to come by the library when she gets back. I ain't gonna be stuck in the body of a _filly _any longer than I have to be."

"It's not that bad, is it?"

"Yes. Yes, it is that bad. I'll see you later, Sweetie Belle."

I started walking back to the library. My trip was not as uneventful as the last one. "Oh hello, Taya!" Cheerilee said. "Are you up to anything important? I would like to talk to you, if you have the time."

"Sorry, Ms. Cheerilee, I don't. I need to get home."

She sighed, rolling her eyes. "You say that _every _time. What's so important today?"

"Twilight fucked a spell up, putting me in Taya's body," I said. "I'm Navarone. If you want to talk to Taya, you'll have to come with me to the library."

She smiled. "You don't have to lie to me, dear! I just want to talk, not hurt you."

"Well, if I was lying that would make me feel better. You first met me Nightmare Night my first year here. I was jumping off your roof, giving you a good scare. You're the reason the kids stopped fearing me."

She just kept that little smile. "Well, it's good to know your dad is telling you about himself. And it's good to know you're such a good actor! What I want to talk to you about is kind of important, though. You really shouldn't keep blowing me off."

"I'll tell Taya to talk to you at the first opportunity, then. This is my stop, though. Until next time, Ms. Cheerilee." With that, I jumped back in the open window of the library.

Of course, it's harder to dissuade Cheerilee than that. She followed me in, actually opening the door. She turned to Taya, using my body to sit on the floor. She was fiddling with my hands. "Hello, Sir Navarone. Would you mind if I talked with Taya?"

Taya turned to Cheerilee. After a moment she looked at me before turning back to the teacher. "Can it wait until Twilight manages to reverse her spell?" It was odd, hearing my voice say that.

The look on Cheerilee's face was priceless. She turned a very blushed face to me. "I'm sorry, Na—Sir Navarone."

"Please don't call me sir. I hate titles. If Taya doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have to." I turned to Taya. "Even though I told her to." I turned back to Cheerilee. "I would offer to let you talk to her now, but she doesn't know how to walk on two legs so you two can't exactly go anywhere private."

"Couldn't she… walk on all four?"

"No. No she can't. We're just going to hunker down here until we get a unicorn that can remedy this situation." I stopped for a moment. "Hey, does the school have any use for bits?"

"Uh… why?"

"Yes or no, please."

"We're always looking for donors to have more field trips and the like. There's only so much you can learn in class."

"Awesome. Come with me." I led her back to the storage room. "Open the door. I would, but I don't know how to use these hooves."

"It's easy, Nav. Here, let me show you." She casually pushed the door open like it was nothing.

"Yeah, because that makes sense. Take all the money you need. Close the door when you're done." I left her there as I walked back to the library proper.

She quickly came running out. "Nav, there's a load of bits in there!"

"Yeah. I don't want most of it. Take what the school needs. And then take whatever you want. I don't know how much is in there right now, so just take however much you need. Leave me with at least a hundred bits."

"I… I can't take your money, Nav! You earned that!"

"I earned some of it. Some of it I got from plagiarizing the works of my people." I smiled. "Celestia was really pissed about Hamlet, too. It was funny. So yeah. You just turn around and march right back to that storage room and take some bits."

"But—"

"Augh, will you _please _just take the money?" Twilight asked, looking up from her notes. "I need to find the counterspell, and you two going at it is killing my concentration!"

"Twilight, I'm not going to 'go at it' with Cheerilee in my daughter's body. Please get your mind out of the gutter." That got them both blushing, and Spike was giving a sly grin. "Now go get your bits. The sooner Twilight can figure this out the sooner I can have my fingers back again."

She bit her lower lip, looking at me with some concern. She finally sighed. "Fine. We can really use it… If I can ever pay you back in any way, just let me know."

"Of course." She slowly walked back. We just chilled in the front room for a few minutes.

Cheerilee came back with a sack of coins on her back. She looked down on me with a smile.

"Please don't hug me," I said as she took a step closer to me.

She stopped. "Why not?"

"Do I need a reason?"

She blinked. "Well… thanks, Nav. I'll see that this gets used right."

I sighed in relief as she passed me by. My sigh was short-lived when she quickly snatched me up in a hug. "Spike, help! She's hugging me right in the filly!"

"You're on your own, dude," he told me. "I still haven't figured out walking."

"You treacherous cur! Release me, you vile pink temptress!"

Cheerilee did so, setting me back down with a smile. "Don't you feel better?" she sweetly asked.

"No, I feel worse! Now I know how weak and helpless this body is without magic! Hurry up, Twilight."

"It would be going a lot faster without these INTERRUPTIONS!"

That was enough to get Cheerilee to leave. I sighed as I sank to the floor. "All in all though, I think I prefer Taya's problems to mine."

"You would say that," I heard my voice mutter. "Those annoying fillies you stuck me with always want to do such boring things, and never listen when I tell them what I want to try."

"That's because you're too quiet." I closed my eyes, rolling into a filly ball. The floor wasn't that comfortable, but I really don't like stairs as a pony and all the beds are upstairs.

A few minutes later, Twilight let out a grunt. "I found the counterspell. I don't know if Rarity will be able to cast it, though. And… it might take several tries to get right."

"What do you mean, several tries?" Spike asked.

"Well… it looks like the body swapping is somewhat random. And if you add another pony, the chances of getting it right decrease."

"Well, if Rarity can manage it once, the chances of you and Taya getting returned to the correct bodies—or a body that has a horn—are close to one. Even if you two screw up again, having three unicorns means there will always be one of you able to cast magic. We can just repeat it until you get it right," I said.

"Hmm… Yeah, that should work."

"Good. Now get your nose out of the book before Celestia sends a message and you flame the fucker."

She looked up at me. "The chances of that happening are really lo—" She convulsed, belching and sending out a scroll. Normally, Spike would be quick enough to grab it, but Twilight has no experience with that, so it flew across the room and smacked me in the face.

I rubbed at my face while Twilight walked over to the scroll and opened it. Her eyes widened, then narrowed. She crumpled the scroll up and threw it at me before walking back to the book. "I don't want to talk about it," she growled before anyone could ask what it said.

I curled back up and continued trying to sleep. Apparently Taya doesn't get enough, because I really felt tired.

Taya was going through my pockets. I heard a coin clatter to the floor from her direction. I looked up and saw her picking the coin up before trying to roll it across her fingers like I do. I curled back up. "Be careful around your shoulders," I warned.

"I already felt them," she answered. The coin fell several more times before she presumably gave up.

After what felt like an eternity but was probably more like fifteen minutes, I said, "You know, this is something that would be a cartoon plot in my world. The only difference is that each of us would have some kind of plan or something that we _had _to get to right after the event happened. We couldn't tell anyone the truth so we had to pretend to be each other. At the end we would all learn a valuable lesson about not judging others or some stupid crap like that."

Spike answered, "Well, we could do that if you really wanted to. I mean, living as Twilight can't be _that _hard, can it?"

Twilight scoffed. I replied, "Yes, it can. That's the valuable lesson you're supposed to learn. Even if you think someone has it easy, you may just be wrong. Hell, you probably _are _wrong. If it makes you feel any better, I know that I definitely have it the worst, all things told."

"Well… yeah," Twilight said. "You kind of do. That doesn't mean any of the three of us have it easy, though!" The other two nodded.

"I never said that. I just said that I honestly have it worst."

The silence returned.

"As much as I like Aloe and Lotus, they take way too long," I sighed.

"Oh? How do you even know them? You never come with us to any of our spa dates," Twilight said.

"I've bumped into them on occasion." The things they can do with their hooves shouldn't be possible. "They're pretty cool girls. Tried to hire me because of my fingers, but I passed up on it. I don't want to get paid to touch ponies, even if it is professionally."

"Do you think they'd give me a job?" Spike asked. Twilight shot him a quick glare.

"Bugger all if I know," I answered. "You have claws, not fingers. You could ask, though."

"Don't encourage him, Nav!"

"Why not? You can't keep him tied to your apron strings forever, Twilight. He's a bloody dragon, even if he is hiding in a pony body."

"Yeah, but…" She sighed, looking down.

The silence returned with a vengeance.

It was Taya that broke it this time. "Can I touch you?" she asked. I don't know who she was talking to, so I looked up.

She was looking at me. "I'd prefer you not," I answered. "Touch Spike. He should be just as soft."

"Yeah, but… I always wanted to try something."

I sighed and stood up. "Just stop if I tell you to." I walked over to her. I was not expecting her to pick me up and put me in my body's lap, but eh.

She began to pet me. It felt really good. "I'm really soft," she said after a few minutes. Thankfully, she stopped.

"Yeah, you are." I started pulling myself off her lap, but she stopped me.

"And I'm warm. Stay there."

"I'd really rather not."

"Please?"

I sighed. The silence returned yet again, aside from the sound of Twilight's dragon feet slapping the floor as she paced.

That was how Rarity and Fluttershy found us. They both let out little squee's at seeing me in Taya's lap. "How cute," they both said.

I poked my head up. "Fluttershy, I know you're nice. I don't wanna have to slap yo shit. Rarity, though… she wouldn't hurt a filly, so I could finally get revenge on her."

They gasped. Rarity glared at my body. "Navarone, what have you been teaching your daughter?!"

"As amusing as this is," Twilight said, "I'd prefer to get this fixed sooner rather than later. Rarity, that is Taya," she said pointing to my body. She pointed to each of us in turn as she called us out. "Nav, Spike, Twilight," she said, finishing. "I have the counterspell here, ready to cast. I just need your help."

Rarity blinked. "That's… oh. Sweetie Belle said something odd was going on, but she didn't specify what." She walked over to the book. Fluttershy walked over to me and Taya.

She looked down at me with a smile that frankly scared me a little. "Fluttershy, what are you doing?"

Without turning her head, she said, "Rarity, do you know what would be fun?"

"What's that, dear?"

"Makeover."

"I swear to God that I will find out how sharp this horn is if you even dare," I said, clenching my teeth.

"They're not very sharp," Rarity said, stepping up next to Fluttershy. She looked down at me with a smile I could only call evil. "You know Fluttershy, I think you're right…"

I felt Taya move. Fluttershy's eyes widened massively as she backed away.

"Come now, Taya, I know you wouldn't hurt me!" Rarity said. She didn't sound that sure, though.

"She would if I told her to," I answered with a grin. That made Rarity stand down.

I turned back to see Taya wearing my ring and holding knives in both of her hands. "All is well," I told her. She slipped the knives back up. I turned back to Rarity. "Shall we begin?"

She nodded, gulping a bit. "Everypony to the circle, if you would…"

"Actually, I've a better idea," I said. "If we do three of us at a time, it won't take as long. Me, Taya, and you should go first. Then you can help the other two."

"Why would that go faster?" Rarity asked.

"Because there are fewer variables," Twilight said with a grin. "Instead of four options, our souls will only have two. It should cut the time in half."

"If you say so…" Rarity muttered. "Well, come on up you two."

"We're already in the circle, Rarity. You're the one that's out of it."

She looked down. She stepped into the circle and her horn began to glow. I felt myself rip out of my body and into Rarity's. I don't know what else happened.

"Why do I suddenly feel uptight?"

"And why do _I _suddenly feel uncouth and rugged?" I heard my voice say.

"Well, I guess at least one of us won. Cast the spell, Taya."

"I don't know it. Hold on." She walked over to the spell book. I tried swinging Rarity's insanely styled tail around.

"Man, this thing is heavy. Not at all like mine."

"Well, maybe that's because I prefer style!"

"Are you saying Taya is unstylish? Because her tail was light too."

She scoffed. "It's much better than that thing you had when you were a pony!"

"You seemed to like it well enough, as I recall." That got her blushing.

"Just because one part is bad doesn't mean the rest is!" she muttered.

Taya rejoined the circle. Her horn glowed. I got to the right body this time. "Finally!"

"Well, one of us got it," Taya's body said. "I guess we can try again."

I jumped out of the circle before her horn could finish glowing. They switched bodies, ending up in the right one.

"Well, I feel… drained," Rarity said, looking a bit down. "Can you help the others, Taya?"

Taya nodded. Rarity stepped out of the circle and the other two stepped in. Taya's horn glowed. It took them four tries, but they all got to the right body.

"Well, that was not at all enjoyable," Twilight said as she returned the book to a shelf.

"Got that right," Spike said. "So what did that letter from the princess say?" He started walking over to it before it burst into purple flames.

"Not important," Twilight answered through clenched teeth.

I was beginning to think Twilight had some issues she needed to deal with concerning the princess.


	48. Chapter Forty-Six

Chapter Forty-Six—More birds

I love the beginning of fall in Equestria. Ponyville is around the area of north Virginia, pretty close to DC. It gets cold fast and the leaves drop quickly. Faster, when the Running of the Leaves happens. October was always my favorite month back home, and here it is just compounded.

Which is why I was not happy I was leaving Equestria that month. I had already packed everything I needed, all the clothes and my armor and my weapons. "Do you have to go?" Taya asked for the umpteenth time, lying on my bed.

"Yes. I asked Celestia if you could go, and she said no. Didn't say why." Actually, she did say why: Apparently the king of griffinland is fucked in the head and likes fillies a lot more than he should. Not just fillies, but kids of all kinds. Innocence, I guess. I snorted when Celestia mentioned that. 'Innocent' isn't something I would use to describe Taya. She would tear that king to pieces. Of course, she would be tearing his dead body to pieces, because if he laid a talon on her I would rip his dick off and beat him to death with it.

But I wasn't going to expose her to him if I had the choice. I did raise the point to Celestia that we shouldn't even deal with a fucking pedophile. She had the relatively decent rebuttal that politics and keeping the peace are a lot more important than morals.

Didn't mean I had to like it. Pedophiles will get their special place in hell. And if I find any children he's keeping for his fun, I was going to bust them out. Celestia agreed with me on that, as long as I could do it quietly. I figured it wouldn't be that hard to get Cadance and Shining Armor to help me on that issue.

I was planning on taking all of the magic things I got from the forest, my axe, the knives, clothes, the crossbow, plenty of bolts, my armor, and plenty of paper. Guard duty is boring as hell, so I was expecting—or at least hoping—I would be able to write during it. God only knows I didn't want to have to listen to Cadance.

Thankfully, Celestia said that none of the others knew the king was a pedophile. Most ponies would refuse to deal with him if they knew. Cadance, especially, wouldn't. They would find out right quick if I had to bust any kids out.

I sighed as I looked over the few bags I was taking. "I really don't want to do this, Taya."

"I know. I don't want you to either."

"Well, it's good to know the feeling is mutual. Not like it does us any good. At least I won't be up all night anymore." That isn't really a blessing, though. Unless I get frequent sunlight, my body starts getting sluggish and will eventually just shut down to sleep a while to recuperate the energy. I suspected that if I started eating more I could use that energy stored to keep me awake all fall and winter as well, but I hadn't tested it yet.

Probably wasn't going to get to anytime soon, either. I stooped down to throw the axe over my back. I buckled it on and grabbed my crossbow. I continued with the rest of my weapons. "Fucking cognitive dissonance," I muttered as I felt their weights settle on me.

Taya looked at me, confused.

"It's a phrase from my world. It's when you have two conflicting ideas in your mind at once. I hate the idea of carrying weapons. I hate it so much… All the pain and death I've caused. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable unless I have cold steel on me, ready to be used in my defense."

I eschewed a cloak this time. I was over that phase of trying to look cool. Fuck 'em all; I already knew I wouldn't blend in here, no matter what I wore. I did have several warmer things packed, though; we were going into fucking Canada, after all.

I looked down at all the bags on the floor. There were only three, but two were bulging, full of clothes and armor. "It's a good thing they're coming here," I said. "I wouldn't want to have to carry these far."

"It would be a lot easier if you were wearing your armor," Twilight said as she walked in. "I've gone over the checklist three times, and I believe you have everything you need to impress the king!"

Twilight had a thing for checklists. It used to be a whole lot worse, and I heard horror stories from Spike. Between me and Spike, we got her over a bit of it, but she was still really into them.

"I'm not there to impress the king." Not officially, anyway. "I'm there to guard Cadance. I don't know why Celestia's insisting on sending a pregnant woman as an ambassador, but whatever." Cadance and Shining Armor didn't waste much time, that's for sure. At least she wasn't very far along; we wouldn't have to worry about a baby coming. But we would have to worry about Shining Armor being overly protective of her, and we would have to worry about a hormonal chick.

"Well, she can't exactly send Luna," Twilight answered. "And ever since Blueblood disappeared…" She shrugged. "Cadance has been doing most of the ambassador missions. She's been getting run ragged, I hear."

"Celestia sent two ambassadors—non-royals—to Egypt. Why is this any different?"

"Because the cats are unimportant. No pony cares what they think. We didn't even know they existed until they started causing problems! Everypony knows about griffins, and griffins have been our neighbors for hundreds of years. They have to be given the best." She muttered something I didn't hear. "Now let's get all this downstairs. Don't want to keep them waiting when they get here!"

"Twilight, this'll be the first time in a while since you saw your brother. It wouldn't kill them to stay and talk for a bit." She grabbed my bags with a purple aura and they started following her down the stairs. She didn't answer me.

Taya and I followed her down. I bumped into Spike on the way there. "When I get back we're going hunting," I told him. "So be ready."

He smiled. "About time! I don't know why you wanted to wait until it got cold to go…"

"Tradition. Fall and winter were the hunting seasons back where I come from. I may not be there anymore, but I might as well keep some things from that time." Man, it's hard to think there will be a time where I've been in Equestria longer than Earth.

I made it to the main room of the library, where all of my bags were sitting, ready to be packed onto whatever ride we were getting. I assumed we were going by pegasus chariot. Anything else would probably take a while.

So color me surprised when a ladder plopped down outside of the library and Shining Armor climbed down it like that was somehow logical. He entered the library with a smile. His smile dropped when he saw me. "Put your armor on, Nav. You're there to impress the king, after all." Twilight smirked at me.

When she got done smirking at me, she rushed forward to hug her brother. I was dumping my bag at the time, so I had a hard time hearing them. I heard airship and stopped. "We're going in one of those things?" I asked.

I had seen airships here in the past. They're basically small blimps, Hindenburgs or something. I was honestly surprised they weren't used more often, but I also didn't care.

Shining Armor nodded. "Yep. The princess gave us one since our entourage is so large. It would take too many chariots to get everything there, and it would take too long to go by foot. We never built train tracks over the mountains toward the griffin territory, so she decided an airship would be fine."

I started dropping weapons and putting armor on. I didn't really like feeling enclosed in that stuff, but I've been through worse.

Shining looked at the bags on the floor. "Is this really all you're bringing?"

"I travel light. I assume the griffins take bits? Or do I need to carry some gems?"

He blinked. "How do you have gems?"

"I own a gem mine now, apparently." I shrugged.

"Bits are fine." I finished putting my armor on. "Are you ready?"

"You just got here and now you want to leave? Don't you want to talk to your sister?"

"We do need to get there, Nav…"

"Shiny, I've been away from my sister for years now. You really shouldn't take her for granted." I grabbed the two bags and started hauling them out. Taya followed me out. I thought about it for a few seconds and then tied the bags to the end of the rope. I bent down and grabbed Taya. "I'll see you when I get back."

"I know." She sighed. "Just… come back."

I let her go. "I fully plan on it." I looked up at the airship and gave a light whistle. "Good God." It was larger than most of the others I had seen. A large purple balloon sat on top of it, and propellers sat on the back. It really looked like a boat with a balloon on top. In fact… It looked like a familiar boat. _That's the pirate ship! What the hell?_

Wait, more importantly, why the hell does that ship have propellers, but they can't put propellers on the ships in the water? I swear these ponies are fucktarded sometimes.

I grabbed the ladder and began to climb. I was halfway up to the ship before I remembered that I had wings. I kept climbing, because it had been a long time since I got to use a ladder.

When I pulled myself over the railing, I saw Rainbow Dash talking to a familiar unicorn. It was that bitch that threw me around with magic back on the ship. _This is going to be a long trip._ I pulled out the pouch around my neck, under my armor, and slipped my ring inside it on. They noticed me when I was putting my gauntlet back on.

And as soon as they noticed me, I had Rainbow Dash in my face. "This thing is so awesome! I can't believe you get to ride on this thing all the way up to Gryphus!" For anyone not familiar, that's the griffin—or griffon or gryphon—capital.

"I've been on this ship before," I said. "But it was in water at the time. I bet the blood stains have been cleaned out as well." She paled a bit at that. "You didn't know? This used to be a pirate ship. Quite a few of them called this place home." I grinned. "I evicted them. Your friend over there helped," with a nod to the murderous unicorn that was glaring at me.

In a quiet voice, Rainbow just said "Oh." She gulped. "I'll uh… I'll see you when you get back, Nav." She jumped over the edge.

I took one look at the unicorn and walked over to the entrance of the under deck. I opened it and went down. The entire place had changed. Where before it smelled of death and fear, now it seemed to smell of flowers and ponies. I found Cadance in a room, writing something down.

"Where's my room?" I asked, standing at the door.

She looked up at me and smiled. "Hello, Nav. You know, I've heard some interesting news from Luna…" Her smile grew wider.

"Where's my room?"

"She said you finally admitted to loving her. I'm so happy for you both!"

"I bet she didn't mention that her sister is considering taking me as a consort." Her mouth dropped. "So where's my room?"

"W-w-what?"

"It's not a hard question. Where is. My room. You know, where I'm going to be sleeping and staying? The place I'm going to hide from that bitchy unicorn that wants to kill me? You must be working too hard if you can't figure this one out."

Her horn lit up. Nothing happened. I crossed my arms over my chest, looking at her. Now she was gaping again.

"Oh, Celestia didn't tell you? I found a ring that gives me immunity to magic. You'll have to stab me if you want to stop me, now. Funny thing: I found a key that opens any lock, too." I pulled it out. "Including minds." I concentrated. "Where's my room?"

Her eyes went blank. "You don't have one. It shouldn't take us a day to get there, and we're all staying in the embassy." She blinked, shaking her head. "What did you do to me?"

"Oh, you know." I waved a hand while putting the key away. "I'll see you later, I suppose." I walked back up to the deck before she could say anything.

I didn't see Crazy Bitch McFucklips on the deck, but given that there was one entrance below decks I was assuming she was just standing somewhere I couldn't see her. I approached the front of the ship and leaned against the rail, looking down. _Hope I don't fall with this ring on._

It wasn't long before I heard the clopping of hooves approach me. I didn't turn. "I don't want hard feelings on my boat, Nav," I heard a familiar voice say. It sounded like that fellow that was the de facto leader of the pirate slaves. Didn't remember his name. Didn't really care, either.

"You don't have any from me," I answered, still not turning. "You should be talking to Crazy Bitch McFucklips. I'm immune to magic and poison now, so the only way she'll kill me is by stabbing me with that horn. And while I'm wearing this armor she won't be able to do even that."

He started giggling when I said her name, or at least what I was calling her. He clammed up when I mentioned my new talents. "Immune to magic, eh?" He shut up for a second. After a moment he grunted. "Well I'll be. How'd you pull that off?"

"Enchanted ring. I leave her alone, she leaves me alone. End of story. In fact, I'd rather just be left alone by everyone. I'm a knight now, so if she lays a hoof on me I'll have her in irons. We have an understanding?"

"Seems fair to me. But wouldn't you rather make peace?"

"No. I've done nothing to her, other than save her from a life of slavery. If this is how she chooses to repay me, I might as well do her the favor of staying out of her business."

"I see. Would you be willing to talk to a few of the others, at least? Some… haven't been doing as well as I have. We're all in this business together; it doesn't take much to keep this scow operational. No pony wanted to buy a ship with such a dark history, but Princess Celestia took pity on us and gave us a neat little solution. We all said we were done with the sea, but… Well, we're not on the sea!"

"Yeah, and what happens when you fall off?"

"Those of us without wings stay away from the edge," I heard Shining Armor say as he walked up. I didn't hear him heave himself over the top, but then I was a bit distracted.

"You get used to heights," I answered. "When are we casting off?"

"As soon as the captain returns to his post," he answered.

"Aye aye, sir," the captain said, presumably saluting. I heard him walk off. Shining Armor stayed.

"Shiny, I might have a bit of a problem with one of the mares here."

"Don't call me that. What kind of problem?"

"I saved her from slavery and she tried to kill me twice until I threatened to cut off her horn and shove it up her ass." Actually, I don't remember what I threatened to do with it, but I know I was going to cut it off.

"I see. Well, as long as she leaves you alone now there won't be a problem." I felt a judder as the ship kicked into gear and began to move. "Your bags are stowed below with the others. Has Celestia already briefed you?"

"Yeah. Show up, look good, be impressive, guard Cadance. If the king gets uppity, slap his shit."

"The first four are good. Don't lay a hand on the king. I'd prefer you not talking to him at all, but if he asks you a question you need to answer it. He's not at all like the princesses."

"I've met a king and a queen before. I'll be fine."

"You've met a king of a backwater and a queen that was basically a vassal. This is different, Nav."

"Buck up, prince. I'll be fine."

"P-p-prince!?"

"Yeah. You married a princess. The fuck you think that makes you?" That's one reason I sure wasn't in any hurry to get married to Luna. Not a fan of marriage and I sure don't want to be a prince.

"I… I never thought of that before. I'm… I'm a prince!" He started giggling. "I wonder what kind of authority I have now… I bet Cadance knows!" It sounded like he took a step back, but he stopped. "Nav, why are you looking out there, anyway?"

"See that mare glaring at me next to the captain?"

"Uh… no?"

"Well, I'm sure she's somewhere. I don't want to see her. Besides, I like watching the plebeians run about their day like little insects."

"That's kinda messed up."

"Yeah. I just said that to see what kind of reaction I'd get. You'll do fine as a prince. I shouldn't have to do to you what I did to Blueblood."

"What… what did you do to Blueblood?"

"Well, when was the last time you saw him?"

"Um… You didn't… you couldn't… Did you?"

"No. I just wanted to see your reaction again."

"You're terrible, Nav. I'm going to see my wife, unless you need anything."

"You still want to talk about my time back home? I'm sure we have some time, if you do."

"I have some things to get squared away. We'll have time during the week."

"See you whenever, then. Don't make her moan too loud, now."

He beat a hasty retreat at that. I knew he didn't like being teased, which is of course why I did it. Sure, he could make my life hell if he wanted to, but I could make his worse—and shorter. Being a knight apparently has some interesting perks that I never planned on taking advantage of if I could help it.

I was alone there for nearly an hour, watching the countryside pass by. Good things never last, I've found. I heard a pony clop up to me. "Sir," a male voice said, "Do you have any orders?"

_What the fuck?_ I turned around and saw a bat-winged night guard standing there. "What the fuck?"

He looked at me, confused, and said, "Princess Luna placed me under your command for this mission, sir."

"Then Princess Luna is smoking crack. Did she give you anything to give me?"

I saw a light click on in his head. He patted all over before pulling a letter out from under his armor and handing it to me.

"This better not be sweaty," I said as I grabbed it. He smiled sheepishly as I opened it. "Blah blah, Sunshine Smiles asked to guard you, blah blah don't get hurt, blah." I looked up. "What the fuck, dude?"

"Well… After what you did for us, the night guards want to make sure nothing bad happens to you. Princess Luna was all too happy to allow one of us to accompany you to the griffin capital. We all wanted to send more, but it would be suspicious enough sending one along with you."

"I don't see why, honestly. Both to sending any and as to why one would be suspicious. When have I—Never mind." I looked back to see how far away we were. "Too damn far to send you back." I turned back to him and crossed my arms, leaning against the rails. "So. Does Shining Armor know about you?"

"Yes sir. I reported to him first."

"Cut the sir crap, unless you absolutely feel the need to annoy me. Shit, I bet you're supposed to be sleeping right now, aren't you?"

"Well… I usually am asleep, yes."

"You ain't much use to me dead tired, Smiles. Though to be fair, I honestly don't know what use you'll be to me at all. With the onset of fall, I start sleeping again. And it has to be at night, or my body will start to shut down. Resetting a sleep schedule is hell on the body and on the mind, as I'm sure you know. All of my activities will be during the day, when you are asleep. You'd probably be better off joining the small night guard contingent Cadance has guarding her. I won't tell Luna if you don't."

"You can't get rid of me that easily, sir. She told me personally to make sure nothing happened to her special somepony. Or… somehuman, I suppose." I wish there was a way I could make myself look more threatening. Orange hair just doesn't do enough.

"And this letter says you have to follow my orders."

"But the princess told me to guard _you_. From what she told me, making sure you get home safe is more important to me than making sure Princess Cadance gets home safe."

"Well, my life is forfeit if Cadance doesn't make it back. Celestia would have my head mounted above her throne if anything happens to Cadance. And given that there will be no threats to my person, I believe that making sure Cadance returns safely will give me the highest chance of keeping my head."

"I'm sorry, but I'm not having this debate with you, sir. I'm going to guard you if I have to sneak around to do it."

"For fuck's sake… Fine. Good luck staying awake, Smiles." I saw him living up to his namesake before I turned back around and began watching the passing scenery again.

Silence reigned for a good little while. I saw the scenery slowly change from coniferous forests to evergreen forests. We passed a few small settlements, each full of ponies. I saw more and more different races the further north we went. The most common were still ponies, but griffins and a few dogs began to show up. Of course, it was hard to tell as high up as we were, but we also ran into plenty of fliers.

It was a nice day out wherever we went, apparently. I later learned that Celestia had this path opened up for us all the way there so that our airship didn't run into any bad weather. Rather nice of her.

Silence never lasts. It's a shame. I heard the guard come to attention and then a gentle clopping of hooves come up to me. "Would you mind leaving us, guard?" Cadance asked.

"Don't move, Smiles," I said, turning. "He's my assurance, Cadance. You throw me over the side, I have a witness."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't want to _hurt _you, Nav. I just want to talk." She cast a sidelong glance to the guard. "About private things. Besides, you have wings."

"We have nothing private between us, Cadance. Nor is there anything I wish to make private or discuss that might be private. _I _solve my problems, no one else."

"Don't make me order you to talk about this, Nav."

"You can't order me to do shit."

"Your oaths would require you obey me!"

"My oaths were revoked by Luna herself. I'm a knight in name, not in oath."

Her eyes widened. "How did… Why would she do that?"

I smiled. "I gave her an offer. Nav, or Sir Navarone."

She looked disgusted. "How _dare _you hold love ransom?! You monster!" Her horn lit up but nothing happened. She grit her teeth.

"I honestly don't consider that holding love ransom. If you were forced to follow every command Shining Armor gave you, could you love him? Could you happily have a relationship with someone that has complete control over you?"

"Somepony that loved me would never order me to do something that I didn't want to!"

"I'm so very happy for you. I don't have the same luck, since I'm not a princess that lives in happy fairy tale world. I live in a place called reality. Maybe you've heard of it. Here's a bit of an introduction: It fucking sucks. What did you want to talk about?"

"Why do you hate me, Nav?"

I blinked. I opened my mouth to respond, but I had to close it. _Why _am_ I so mean to her?_ "That's a good question. I could give a few reasons, but some are blunt and painful. Do you really want to hear them?" She gave a stiff nod. "I don't really like the color pink. Your voice is somewhat annoying. Ever since you've met me you've been trying to get me to talk about something that is in no way your business and I've told you repeatedly that I do not want to talk about it and yet you persist in annoying me anyway. I'm sick and tired of fucking ponies that refuse to leave me alone. You are a princess and yet you have no idea what it takes to take and hold a throne. You were born into the role—or were perhaps adopted as Blueblood was, I don't know—and thus have no experience living on a day to day basis, trying to make sure you stay alive. You don't know what it takes to do my job and automatically assume I have it easy and can spend all day talking to you about something you have no business discussing. While that is currently true, I've pulled jobs in the past where I would have been killed for daring to open my mouth out of place. The first time we met you assumed you knew me based on what you had heard around the palace and from what Celestia and perhaps Luna had told you, and when you realized I didn't live up to what you were told you seemed personally offended or very scared, one of the two." Though that was fair enough, given that I was threatening to torture anyone that attacked her. "Now, a question of my own: Why don't you hate me?"

She looked like she was about to cry. The night guard looked like his eyes were going to bulge out of his head. She finally managed to answer, "Because you're broken. You don't mean to hurt me, you just do it because you can't stand to let anypony close to you."

"If thinking that makes you feel better. Now, what did you want to talk about?"

"…It can wait, I think. I will… see you later, Navarone." She walked away, head hung low.

When she was out of earshot, Sunshine said, "It isn't my business, but that was really mean."

I didn't say anything, just turned around and watched the scenery change some more. What was there to say? He was right. It really was mean. And he was also right when he said it wasn't his business. _God I wish I had some alcohol… Vinyl needs to get off her ass and start making some._

Is it bad, that I felt a strong urge to jump off the side of the airship? To tell Sunshine Smiles to go get me something from below decks and just fall, letting my body painlessly hit the ground? To finally find peace among the ponies…

I almost did it, when I heard more clopping behind me. "What is your business?" the guard demanded.

"I want to talk to the human," a female voice said.

"Sir?"

I turned to look. Just one of the random ex-slaves. "What do you want?" I asked her.

"I wanted to thank you again. For saving us, and for helping us after. I know you didn't want to talk to us, but everything you told us helped us get better. But… not all of us are doing so well."

"Your captain mentioned that. I told you it would be hard. I'm having problems of my own."

"Just as you said you would?" I nodded. "You know you can talk to any of us. And you know we are always willing to talk to you. Except for Sunny, who still hates you even though she's the one that took your advice most to heart."

"Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I've picked up problems since we last spoke. Dark problems. I'll not burden any of your minds with them, but if you'll all do me a favor I will listen to those that need more help."

"Anything, Nav. Ask and we'll do it."

"Keep a very, very watchful eye on your children—your foals—in Gryphus. I've heard bad rumors, and I wouldn't want any of them hurt."

She nodded. "Princess Celestia has heard the same rumors. She allowed us to keep our foals in Canterlot for the duration of this mission."

"Yeah, she's a pretty nice lady. I guess I don't need a favor anymore. Tough luck, I suppose."

She grinned. "You wouldn't turn any of us away if we really needed help. You're too nice."

"That's an opinion. I just sent that pretty princess away in tears."

"She didn't need help though, did she?"

"I don't know. She didn't get to what she wanted to talk about. I doubt it, though; she's been bugging me for a while."

"I'll send some of them on over, then."

"One at a time. You know the drill."

She nodded. "Of course. I don't know why you insisted upon that, though." The real reason was that I figured I could handle at most one unicorn at a time back when I wasn't immune to magic. I kept my crossbow loaded every time one of them came by, so I could easily kill them before they could react. The reason I told them is that they could talk more freely without anyone there to judge them or to make them shy about their problems. The fake reason is pretty good, if I do say so myself.

She left. The guard gave me a bit of a confused look. "Don't worry about it," I told him. He shrugged.

I spent the rest of the ride talking to depressed unicorns. It made me feel better about myself, but that isn't saying much.

I noticed that as we got further north, the fewer houses I began to see. Instead, I saw large trees that looked relatively hollowed out. In a lull between slaves, I asked the guard, "Do griffins live in trees or something?"

"Those that aren't in the capital do usually live in trees, yes. The capital is styled after more modern architecture. It is a city closer to Canterlot than to other griffin towns, but it does have a few trees."

"Hope they never have a dragon problem… We getting grub on this barge, or are they going to feed us when we arrive?"

"I don't know, sir." _I guess he wants to annoy me. I hate titles._

The griffin capital looked dull—and I mean that in two ways. It looked dark, bereft of brightness. And it looked boring, lacking much to do. As soon as we got within sight of the city we picked up a griffin escort that lazily followed us as we entered the city proper.

Smiles was right: the city appeared styled after a Canterlot that was on a plain, rather than built onto the side of a mountain. Missing were all the bright and cheerful colors, replaced by a sad and somber grey and black. Rather than the tile roofs that grace the many buildings of Canterlot, most of the roofs here were thatched, presumably to help keep in warmth; without magic they have to make do. From my time in Africa I know how much that sucks.

Hopefully we would have magic rooms and stuff since we were going to be in an embassy. Surely there would be a few unicorns that could regulate the temperature. I could feel a nip in the air already, and it didn't help that we were far in the air. I envied the griffins their feathery coverings, and wrapped my body as well as I could in my wings. _Armor is not made for cold weather._

Shining Armor, Cadance, and the rest of the guards came out on deck ten minutes before we got off. "Everypony get ready to disembark," Shiny called. "This ship isn't coming back for three weeks. You leave something on board, it _stays _on board."

I turned to my guard. "Smiles, is all your gear ready to go?"

"Not yet, sir."

"Then let's go get our stuff." I led the way to the storage area. The ship had very few passengers, and most of them were above and waiting to get off. We had no trouble finding our bags.

Thankfully, neither of us had much of anything. "Need help with that, sir?" he asked, watching me heft a bag over my shoulder.

"No. I dearly hope you have everything, because if you have to stay in that armor until we're done here you are going to freeze your ass off."

"I have everything." We went back up topside to find that we were getting awfully close to the castle. It was a large, ugly thing. Nothing at all like the castle at Canterlot. First glances from far away gave this thing a lot more credit than it was due. This castle just looked cold: Dark, empty, unpleasant… I don't know how else to describe it, honestly.

Wait, we were getting _too _close to the tower. Like, way too close. The guards and I both were starting to get uncomfortable, and we were looking around anxiously. The griffin escort we had picked up had apparently been trying to get us to stop or something, but had given up and were high-tailing it away from whatever they expected to happen.

I calmly pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring, sliding it into the pouch around my neck. "If we hit that castle, drop your shit and fucking bail," I warned my guard. "We can buy more of whatever you had. We can't buy more you."

He gulped. "You got it, sir."

Shining Armor and Cadance were looking confident, though. I assumed there was a plan that we weren't told about. Well, Cadance was looking more confident than Shiny, but then she also had wings. All of the unicorns I could see that manned the ship were doing fine, though.

We didn't hit the castle, of course. Though I have to admit, it would have been awesome if we had—until the griffins interpreted it as an act of war, at least. We jerked upwards at the last moment and stopped right next to a spire, a quick step away. There was a griffin there waiting for us.

"Princess Cadance?" the fellow said, looking at the pink alicorn. She nodded. "Come this way. You will be shown to your quarters, and then you will be brought before the king."

"Lead the way, please." He did. We all followed him. Cadance was at his side, talking to him about what to expect. Shiny was watching over the guards, giving small orders every now and then to make sure they were tip-top. We had six regular guards, four night guards, me, Shining Armor, Sunshine Smiles, and Cadance.

Whereas the halls of the Canterlot castle had rich carpets and colorful tapestries, this place had stone floors and mostly bare walls. There were almost no decorations at all. The few tapestries we passed were darker and depicted much more gory scenes. Cadance grimaced at a few of them, but didn't say anything.

It didn't take us long to get to where we were being led: A small wing of the castle. I didn't comment on that in front of the griffin, but when we all set our stuff down in our rooms—and I was given a room to myself, thank God—I found Shining Armor. "This is not an embassy," I told him.

"It is, in a way. Since the griffins and ponies are neighbors, we keep each other's ambassadors more comfortable. Whenever ambassador parties come from here, we put them up in the palace. Whenever our ambassadors come here, they stay in these rooms."

That isn't at all like my world, then. There, our ambassadors have their own buildings and are almost always staffed. Or at least, I think that's how it works; I wasn't exactly given an education in world politics.

I just shook my head and went back to my relatively nice room. Stowing away my gear was easy: Throw the bag of clothes in a corner to be ransacked as needed.

Look, I'm a bachelor. I can do this shit.

Sunshine Smiles felt the need to rain on my parade, though. "Sir, why are your clothes in the corner? That's highly unprofessional."

"Dude, when have I ever given you a vibe that indicates I know what the fuck I'm doing? I just listen to my instincts; my mind is along for the ride."

"I don't believe that for a minute… sir."

"You're doing that on purpose." He played innocent. "Whatever. When are we leaving?"

"Three minutes. Two, now. I hope you're ready."

"I am. You need to stay here; my job is to impress the king by being a kickass mofo. If I show up with a guard, that is going to seriously crimp my style. That ain't up for debate, either, you hear me?"

"I know. Princess Luna said you would insist on that. Since it fits with the main mission imperative and since you'll be surrounded by our guards anyway there shouldn't be an issue."

"Whatever. Feel free to do whatever floats your boat as long as it doesn't involve rooting around in my stuff."

"Yes sir."

"And knock that shit off. Seriously, you're probably older than I am."

"Well, how old are you?"

"…Twenty something. I don't remember anymore."

"I see… sir." He was smirking as he said it.

"Fuck you, Smiles." I left the room at that. I loaded my crossbow as I walked to the small group of ponies that looked like they were getting ready to meet a king.

Cadance was at their head. It was just one guard, Shining Armor, her, and then me. I holstered my crossbow as I joined them. "You won't need that, Nav," Shiny told me.

"Okay," is all I said. I didn't make any move to unload it. I remember what happened the last time I got back from a meeting with a king when I wasn't armed. Assassins could kill Cadance all they wanted, but they weren't going to catch me unawares.

"Navarone, please…" Cadance said.

I looked at her. "Do you know what happened the last time I was in an embassy?" She shook her head. "Assassins. Assassins everywhere." Actually, there were only two of them. Well, unless you count Kat. "You can laze about if you want. Me, I'm not getting caught with my pants down. If those fuckers want _my _blood, they're going to have to work for it."

"You're here to guard Cadance, Nav, not yourself," Shiny told me, a bit of sharpness to his voice.

"My safety comes first, to me. I'm not patriotic. I'm not loyal. I'm not self-sacrificing. I'm here because I have to be. Don't forget that."

"I won't," he forced through gritted teeth.

Cadance, however, rolled her eyes. "Don't pay him any mind, Shiny. He's just lying to make himself look tough. He might not like me, but he'll do his job."

The unimportant redshirt hissed, nodding down the hall. We all saw a griffin approaching. I popped my neck as it approached. "This is the group that will see the king?" he asked when he was close enough. Cadance nodded. "Come with me, then." Off we went down more drafty halls.

We were walking for a few minutes when I said, "So uh… What's the king's name, anyway?"

"Bloodbeak," the griffin answered, not turning.

Well that's a bit ominous. "Is his beak bloody, or did his parents just like odd names?"

"His parents just liked odd names," the griffin answered. I think he was grinning, but it was hard to tell from this angle. It was also hard to tell because he had a fucking beak instead of a mouth.

The throne room didn't have doors. We were led straight in and I got my first look at the king.

He was boring looking, just like his castle. Old and grey, the only sparks of life on him were his eyes, which watched us—no, they just watched _me_—approach. He stood when we were halfway to him. "Why do you bring a heavily armed freak to me, Cadance?"

"I may be a freak but at least I ain't a peckerface."

…

Oh shit.

One hand shot to my knife before I realized the king was laughing. Shining Armor was glaring at me. Cadance was giving me a pained look. The guard had his eyes squeezed shut, thinking he was about to die. The king's guards were watching impassively. And the king was still giggling slightly. I slowly eased my hand off the dagger.

"So they were right!" he finally boomed. "The ponies finally sent me a warrior! Something with fire in his blood! I don't know what a pecker is, but from your reaction I'm guessing it was a grand insult. I heard the reports of how you won the tournament in Prance, so I shan't bother you for details of your 'grand battles.' I'm sure your parts in them were things none would care to hear. Now come, all of you. Let us feast."

With that, he descended from his small dais and walked toward our group. Shock and surprise replaced horror on the faces of Shiny and Cadance. And probably my own, honestly. I did my best to look nonchalant, but it didn't seem to be working. The king walked through our group. Cadance stepped aside to let him pass by her. Thankfully, he didn't get near me.

But… "Walk with me, Navarone," he said as he passed.

I stepped to his side, walking next to him. I heard Shiny whisper, "What just happened?" No one answered him. I wish I knew what just happened as well.

"You know, you're the first royal I've met that was cool with an insult being the first thing out of my mouth," I commented as we walked.

"I know about you, Navarone. Irreverent. Rude. Crude. Blunt. Loyal and self-sacrificing." Shiny snorted at that. "Kind to anything not an enemy—and kind to them as long as they are kind in turn. Once you defeat them, of course. And from the things I've heard, you _will _defeat them, even if you have to resort to less than pleasant tactics to do so. Tell me, have you ever had an honorable fight?"

"Yes. Well, sort of. I ran into an assassin once that I had to fight face to face. I tackled him, using my superior strength to ruin his day. We both had daggers, but I knew if I had to fight with that I would end up dead."

"You are one I would never hope to fight, Navarone. Not in a war and not in a duel—and I've heard you were involved in one of those as well. Though I heard you didn't fight fair."

"You are correct, I didn't. Why would I?"

"Because fighting fair and honorably allows those around you to know that the winner won from a superior fighting ability."

"It doesn't matter who's a better fighter. At the end of the day, all that matters is who walks away and who doesn't. If I can win a fight with my brain rather than my skills as a fighter, I can go home to my daughter a happy man—because it means I didn't risk her father's life doing something as stupid as fighting."

"If you think that, why would you not learn to be the best fighter you can be so you take fewer risks?"

"Because warriors are a dime-a-dozen. Anyone can swing a blade or bash a skull in. Thinkers… Nay, _generals _are irreplaceable. If I can prove my worth by leading men and outsmarting the enemy, I'll never find myself in the path of a sword again, until I find myself facing someone smarter than I am and I lose it all. I'd rather not be forced to fight at all, but if I had to I would choose to lead from the back rather than fight at the front."

"All the hatchlings grow up dreaming to become a soldier to fight. So very few grow up dreaming to cower behind them."

"Any leader that fights with his men is an idiot. They need to be at the back, coordinating the assault using messengers and signals. If the enemy changes tactics, the commander must order his troops to respond immediately. They can't tell what the enemy army is doing if they are in the thick of battle. At the back, they can use fliers to keep up with the flow of the battle and use those same fliers to send messages to the commanders of the individual parts of the army to correspond immediately to whatever the enemy attempts. And if, at the end of the day, your army is routed… Which would you rather make it back home? A bedraggled infantryman, or the commander leading the force?"

"The infantry can fight another day. A commander that failed me so would be put to death."

"More fool you. No one can win every battle. Some are impossible. Sometimes you fight for a reason other than winning. If you kill every commander that loses, you will soon find yourself lacking people smart enough to lead, meaning you'll lose more and more battles. There are indicators that your commander is an idiot and you need to look out for them, but if you put someone to death for a single loss? You're going to lose the war and I'm afraid to say that you'll deserve it."

"Navarone!" Cadance hissed. I looked back at her to see her glaring at me. She flicked her eyes at the king, who I saw was looking at me with confusion.

He slowly said, "You are the only one I have ever had _dare _tell me I was a fool. And I have said many foolish things in my long life."

"Well, I've punched a queen in the face before, so don't think I haven't done worse. You said it yourself, though: I am blunt and I am irreverent. We don't have kings where I come from because we killed them." Only partly true. "They started pushing their people too hard, so the people revolted. Royal blood sheds just as easily as peasant blood if you can get to it."

"So your people live in anarchy?"

"No. We elect our leaders. Everyone that is above a certain age is allowed to cast a vote for a candidate that is running for the position of president. The president stays in power for a short time and is then put up for reelection. In my country, they can be elected twice before having to stand down and pass the flag. Just about anyone can run for president, but convincing the people that you deserve to win is the hard part. You have to travel extensively to get your name in the minds of the people. You have to give speeches and make promises that you need to fulfill upon being elected."

"And your president then becomes the king?"

"No. Not a king as you know it. We have three branches: Executive, legislative, and judicial." I briefly explained how they worked.

"I see. You mentioned a Constitution. What is that?" I told him. "Why would you need to protect rights that are inalie… universal?"

"Because there are good people in my world and there are bad people in my world. The good want to stay free and the bad want to take power and do as they wish. The Constitution ensures that the people that are neither good nor bad will know when the bad people are trying to take power. If any of the rights guaranteed in the Constitution start disappearing… It's time to break out the guns and have another Revolution."

He nodded slowly. "We have had… our own problems with that. We shall discuss this more later." He stopped at a door that a servant opened for him. "Let us eat." He led the way inside. A large table was within, and he promptly took his place at the head. He beckoned me to his right-hand side. I joined him with a shrug. Cadance was positioned at his left, with Shiny next to her. The redshirt started to stand behind her but I pointed him next to me. He ignored me.

"The best measure of a leader, I have found, is how they treat those under them," the king commented as he saw the exchange. "The ambassador is safe here, soldier. You may join us."

Shining Armor glared at me as the soldier stiffly moved to sit next to me. I shrugged. _I am going to be in soooo much trouble when we get back to the embassy_. The king noticed that too but didn't say anything. As soon as the redshirt sat down, the table began to fill up with more griffins. Various nobles and dignitaries, I suppose; none were introduced to me. I slid my gauntlets off as servants began to bring out food.

I grinned massively as they dropped a smoked boar in front of me and the king. Oh, and Cadance, who was looking at it in mute horror. Shiny and the guard had similar reactions. There was no silverware or anything like that for me, so I wondered a moment how I was supposed to eat this thing or carve anything off.

The king answered that for me by gripping one of the legs and _tearing it off._

Right in front of Cadance. I think some grease landed in her hair.

I wish I had a camera. Oh my God I wish I had a camera.

As soon as the king took a large bite from what he had ripped off, the other griffins began eating. The servants had dropped vegetarian fare off for the ponies, and there was plenty of bread and whatnot for them besides. They also gave me a salad that I promptly pushed to the guard next to me. I jerked my knife out and carved into the pig.

Shiny jumped back. "You eat meat?!"

I pulled the hunk of boar to my plate. "Uh, yeah? Didn't you notice my teeth?"

"And Celestia let you live with Twiley?" His tone was starting to sound dangerous.

"Yeah. Twilight has known since she met me. Cadance knew, too." I took a bite of the boar. It was like an angel came in my mouth. I let out a sigh and said to the king, "I don't eat meat nearly enough. I don't suppose I could get some kind of jerky or something before I leave to take back with me?"

"That can be arranged," he said in an approving tone. He winked at me.

Cadance pushed her plate away, having eaten almost nothing. "Please don't encourage him, your majesty. I know that he _can _eat meat, but he doesn't have to."

"Yeah, and you _can _eat cupcakes," he replied. "But wouldn't you prefer a life with them? Such is meat to a meat eater. We can live without it, but why? Surely Celestia wouldn't send a pony with such sensibilities to be an ambassador to the griffins!"

"I was her only choice. Blueblood disappeared, Luna is unable to leave Canterlot for some time, and Celestia herself has to deal with something very important." I wonder what that would be. "Our closest allies require royalty, so royalty was sent."

"I see. And yet we offend you. How do you expect to make any manner of deal like this?"

"I would prefer to not speak business over dinner," she calmly replied.

"A wise mare," the king said. "So be it. Eat, or don't. Business for us begins tomorrow. Bring out the mead!" he commanded.

I dropped the hunk of boar I was working on. "Did you say… mead? As in honey alcohol?"

"There is honey involved, yes," the king said as servants began to pour golden liquid into mugs at our sides. "I don't know the rest of the making of it."

I grabbed the mug with a shaking hand and sipped at it. _Oh sweet Jesus_. "I was summoned to the wrong place in this world," I said. I tilted the mug back and drained the booze. I set the cup back down and looked over the pig at Cadance. "Is it too late to tender my resignation as a knight to move up to the griffin lands?"

The king boomed out a laugh. "You are welcome up here, Navarone!"

Cadance, however, was not amused. "Yes, it _is _too late. I believe you know why."

"Geez lass, you just don't know how to take a joke. Also uh… You probably shouldn't drink any of that mead. Unicorns don't mix with alcohol, and I know one of you has had bad experiences with it."

Shiny and Cadance shared a glance. Both of their horns lit up, the mugs floated over to them, and they drained them.

Shining Armor raised his eyebrows. "This is better than the stuff you gave us, Nav!"

"This was made better, that's why," I replied. "And mead is just awesome. I'll have to get the recipe before we leave."

Cadance shook her head. "Princess Celestia banned the import of this, Nav," she said. "I don't think she'll be pleased to find you making it."

"I see." I was totally going to do it anyway. Celestia has been reading my journals, so I know she knows I've been making up booze. If she hasn't stopped me yet she probably wasn't going to. I continued eating.

I noticed that the guard next to me was chatting up the chick next to him. They were talking about battles they have both been in or something. Apparently this guard was a veteran of many Everfree monster fights. Since no one else around me was talking, I started listening in.

And from the sounds of it, somepony was getting laid tonight. I've fucked a griffin before and I have to say that I felt sorry for him. But I wasn't about to ruin it for him, so I kept my mouth shut.

When the king finished eating—and he ate over half that boar by himself—he said, "So Navarone, why were you sent with the ponies?"

Cadance said, "As a gua—"

"To impress you," I said, cutting her off. "They figured a warlike creature would be better suited to impress the king of a warlike people than a pony, even one decked out in armor." Cadance and Shiny both glared at me.

"It worked," he replied with a smile. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"Twenty-three." I wasn't certain about that, actually. I remember turning twenty-one, but I don't remember when. Age seems to get confused in this place, at least for me.

"So young…" I felt my hands clenching at that. It was easy to forget this guy fucks children. "You are far from innocent, though. Such is the life of those that live lives such as yours. A shame, truly."

"Hardly. Innocence is a shield, a pair of blinders worn by children and those that don't know hardship. It is nice while you have it, but when you finally lose it you look back and see what you missed just because you never thought about something. You can't take action as an innocent. You can't change anything. You're stuck in a small world with a narrow view, following a path set in front of you by those that long ago lost their innocence." Maybe that's cynicism talking. "There's a reason Celestia rules the ponies. She is jaded and cynical while at the same time wise and loving. She leads an innocent people using the kind of wisdom it takes thousands of years to accumulate. If all of her people were forced to open their eyes, the poor mare could finally get some rest and retire in peace."

Shiny and Cadance were quite surprised at that. I think the king was as well. At least I knew the king wouldn't want to have his way with me.

"So young, and you have a daughter?" he said when he rallied.

"Aye. It's a shame I had to leave her, but when duty calls I have to answer. She's not mine by blood, though. I found her in a land across the sea and brought her here. I was going to leave her in an orphanage, but Celestia's a bitch and made me keep her." I shrugged. "She grew on me."

"It's good to know you treat all royalty like me," the king said. "You mentioned you punched a queen in the face. What happened?" I told him the tale. "We have had problems with changelings in the past. Our allies and friends the dogs have as well. I believe a large mining colony was recently wiped out by the changelings. There have been raids going back and forth between the two for a while, but never anything on that scale… Filthy monsters" He shook his head. "If the changelings weren't largely based under Equestria, we would have wiped them out long ago."

I think it would have been a bad idea to mention my part in that affair. Thankfully, Shiny and Cadance were smart enough to not mention the treaty between the changelings and Equestria. Fucking politics, man. How does it work?

"Your silence betrays you, Navarone. Do you disagree?" he asked.

_Fuck me._ "I think I would rather have an army of shape shifters on my side rather than as enemies. We found out how much damage a single changeling can do at their wedding," I said with a wave to Cadance and Shining Armor. "There was a very real danger of her overpowering Celestia and taking over Equestria all by herself. Imagine having a changeling as an ally that could do that to your enemies. Imagine an entire army that could do something like that. Yes, you could track them down and eliminate them. But why, when friendship is so much more useful?"

"They are parasites. They survive off emotion and other resources and give little in return. We could use their 'talents,' but why, when we could so very easily win an upfront and fair fight?"

"At what cost? I could think of several ways to use changelings in an upfront fight against an enemy that fights as griffins do. Each would give me a significant advantage. Probably enough of an advantage to win."

"Your mind works in devious ways. Ours does not. We might discuss this more at a later time. If you have no questions, ambassador, I can have a servant show you back to your quarters."

"That would be fine, your highness."

He snapped and a servant appeared. The king pointed to Cadance and jerked his thumb backwards. The servant nodded. "Follow me, please," she said. We did. She led us right back to the embassy. I slipped my ring on while we walked.

I very quietly—as quietly as I could in a suit of plate armor—tried to return to my room. I got to the door to find that it was glowing a light blue, the tell-tale sign of a unicorn's magic. I casually opened it with the hand that had the ring and stepped inside, locking it behind me with my magic key. I giggled as I heard a muffled curse.

Sunshine Smiles was passed out on my bed. I slipped my boots off and padded my way to him. I leaned in real close. "BOO!"

He shot up out of bed. "I wasn't sleeping!"

"Dude, yes you were. Don't even try."

"…Yes I was. I'm sorry, sir."

"You have your own fucking room. Why are you sleeping in here?"

"I… don't have my own room, actually. There was no room in the small barracks for me. Captain Armor and Princess Cadance have the other room." He attempted to give me puppy-dog eyes.

"I hope you don't mind sleeping in the hall, then." His puppy-dog eyes intensified. I sighed. "Two rules: This is my bed. If I catch you sleeping next to me I'm castrating you. And when I go to sleep, you can shut the fuck up. You can accomplish that by being somewhere else or by sleeping yourself. Oh, and another rule: If you find a chick you want to fuck, feel free to bring her here and use the bed as long as you warn me and change the sheets."

"I prefer stallions. But yes sir."

"Then if you fuck in my bed you definitely better change the damn sheets. Just leave a sock on the door knob or something if you have a guy in here."

"What's a sock?"

I pulled one of mine off. "This. Just grab one from my bag or something." I began taking my armor off. "As far as I know, we're done with the king for the night. Feel free to go find food or whatever."

"We were all given food. The servants came by and gave us stuff."

"Then find something to amuse yourself with. Make a bed or something on the floor. I have things to write."

I opened my smaller bag and set up shop at the desk. I was about to start writing when he said, "Where can I get some blankets?"

Without turning I said, "Fuck if I know. Good luck with that."

"You know, if I get cold, I might just have to cuddle up with you. Those wings sure do look warm…"

"That would be breaking rule one and would end with you castrated. In case you don't know what that means, I would cut your testicles off."

That shut him right up. For all of five minutes, at least. "What if I said please?"

"Then I would say no. Don't you have anything better to do than bother me?"

"Such as?"

"Playing cards with the other guards. Reading. Guarding. Lighting babies on fire. I'm sure you can think of something."

He was about to answer when we heard a sound of someone tinkering with the door lock. I reached across to my crossbow and loaded it, standing up and facing the door. I pulled my axe from where I had it rested and leaned it against the desk, ready to be pulled up after I shot the bolt. I pointed Smiles to stand next to the door, ready to attack anyone that managed to get past my bolt.

We stood like that for a minute before we heard an exasperated noise, followed by a loud slam against the door. "That sounded like hooves," my guard said.

"It was hooves," I confirmed. "I pissed Shiny and Cadance off something fierce. But I have a key that can lock a door closed until the original key or my key is used on it. That door is staying shut unless they track down the key master or I decide to open it. Honestly I'm surprised they waited this long."

There was a gentle knock on the door. I thought for a moment._ I can't keep this up forever._ I tossed Smiles my key. "Open it." I had my ring on and my crossbow primed, so I was safe anyway. Him? Not so much.

He complied, pulling the door open. "What is your business?" he asked.

"Move aside, guard," I heard Shining Armor command. "We're here for Navarone."

"Let them in, Smiles," I said. "No reason to keep my guests in the hall."

He stood aside, allowing entrance for Shiny, three guards, and Cadance.

"Guards? If I didn't know any better, I would think you were here to arrest me."

"You have proven yourself unreliable, Navarone. I can't arrest you—nor do you deserve it—but I am not certain it would be smart to leave you alone with my wife."

"Yes, mares seem to quite enjoy me. I understand your fears, but you needn't worry; I don't chase taken women, and I have a special somepony now anyway."

"How does Princess Celestia stand you?" he groaned.

"Because I'm quite nice to those that don't annoy me. Or maybe I'm just an acquired taste, in a way. I've asked myself the same thing, honestly. If we weren't friends I think there's a good chance I would have ended up jailed. Now, what did you want?"

"If you put your weapons away, we can send the guards away and get to the crux."

I set my crossbow on my desk and sat. "By all means, send your men away. I have no desire to hurt anyone that doesn't deserve it. At least, not physically. You really should listen to your wife more." Cadance smiled a bit at that.

Shining Armor nodded to his guards. They left the room. "You too, night guard," he said when he noticed my guard stayed.

"Don't move, Smiles. He's mine, not yours, and he stays."

'You don't trust us?" Cadance asked.

"No farther than I can throw you, and I can't pick an adult pony up. I'd prefer an assurance, and he was ordered by Luna to guard me."

"Fine," Shiny said. "He can stay. It isn't worth debating. Did you know the king was going to react like that?"

"In hindsight I can say that I suspected he would. The griffins have always been more down-to-earth. Beforehand, though? I thought I was about to get murdered. That was a complete cluster fuck on my part that only got resolved positively through sheer luck. But then, that's pretty much how all of my everything gets resolved, so no complaints."

"All of your… everything?"

"Yes, that's what I said. Is that all you wanted?"

It wasn't, of course. "So you're saying you insulted the _king _offhand, with no regard to the consequences?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I said." Cadance, Shining Armor, and even Sunshine Smiles face-hoofed at that. "At least I didn't punch him in the face! Just be thankful he didn't ask what a pecker was…"

"And what, Navarone, is a pecker?" Cadance wearily asked.

"It's another word for penis." Shining Armor and Cadance both blushed. Smiles looked slightly interested. "It's also a euphemism for beak. So pecker face would have a duel meaning, in that he has a beak on his face and that he has a penis on his face. Like I said, it's a good thing he didn't ask."

"Are all human insults this… colorful?" Shiny asked.

"No. We have a few imaginative ones. And making your own isn't that hard. Like… Thundercunt McFucklips." The guard choked, laughing so hard.

"I don't know what some of those words mean," Cadance slowly said. "And I don't want to. We're getting off track, Shiny…"

"Yes, we are. What you did today was highly irresponsible, Navarone. Disregarding the fact that it worked better than anything we had planned, it is still inexcusable. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Nothing. You're right. I screwed the pooch on this one." I shrugged. "I already knew that. I won't say that it won't happen again, because I know me. There's a very real chance it will happen again."

"You just don't learn from your mistakes, do you?"

"Oh, I do. I just don't learn the correct lessons. You see, my 'mistake' here built an instant rapport with the king. I impressed him more with a single statement than I would have my entire time if I hadn't said it. The lesson I come up with is that trusting my instincts is usually a good idea, even if they seem fucktarded at the time."

"That's going to get you killed one day, Nav," Shiny said.

I shrugged. "I'm not going to live forever anyway."

"It'll break Luna's heart," Cadance said.

"…Yeah. It would, wouldn't it?" I sighed. "I was avoiding it for so long… It's a lot easier to do stupid things when you're the only one that has to suffer. But with Taya and Luna… It's a shame I can't change. C'est la vie." I grinned at their expressions. "I had you two going, didn't I? Hah! Yeah, I know it'll fuck them both up if I die, but they'd get over it. You can call me selfish and it wouldn't be a lie. You can call it senseless, but then what fun is there in making sense? What you—and everyone else—seem to forget is that I'm not a pony. I'm not the same as you. Similar, yes. But never the same. You guys need anything else?" I'm such a dick. And what Cadance said was right. I really didn't want to hurt Luna, now. I never wanted to at all, but now I would go out of my way to avoid it. I would probably work on being more cautious, but I wasn't about to tell them that.

They shared a pained glance. "Just one more thing, since you're going to be like this," Shiny said. "Be careful with the king, Navarone. I know he is allowing you—for some reason—to speak freely, but know that some things don't need to be discussed. And besides, I've heard some dark rumors…"

"I'm not an idiot," I answered. "I may be a lot of things, but that's not one of them."

"I hope not. Good night." With that, they both left. Smiles closed the door behind them.

I sat, unloading and decocking my crossbow. I set it against my desk as I began to write. "Uh, sir?"

"Stop calling me sir. And yes?"

"Did you mean all that?"

"I love Luna and she loves me, Smiles. But she's a big girl. If I died she would get over it eventually. Taya… she's faced tragedy before."

"That's cold… sir."

"You are sleeping in my room on sufferance. Don't make me kick your ass to the hall." He sighed. "Now go find some more blankets or something. From the feel of things, there is no central heating in this building. You are going to get cold tonight, with that meager pallet."

He exited the room. I went back to writing. Not five minutes later he came back empty-hooved. "We aren't allowed to leave the embassy wing tonight, for some reason," he told me. "I was told to return to my room by one of the guards. No pony else had any blankets to spare."

"Well, have fun with that." I didn't look up. I knew what he was going to say next.

"Just for tonight? Please?"

"If you stop calling me sir, fine. But if I catch you calling me that again after tonight, I'm going to come up with a really embarrassing pet name for you and I'll make sure it gets put on the official roster back home."

"That's cruel and unusual!"

"I'm a cruel and unusual person. Do we have a deal?"

He sighed again. "Fine."

"That also goes for calling me any other thing over than Navarone or Nav." He grumbled at that but I wasn't listening. I was trying to remember how a certain chapter went and it was giving me all manner of trouble. After way too long of staring at it I looked up. "So what do guards think about when they're just standing there, guarding something?"

"The same things you think about when you zone out."

"I doubt it. When I zone out my mind is gone. I stop thinking entirely and turn to my senses."

"Oh. Then we think about our life. What we'll do when we get off duty. What we'll do when we retire. What we've done in the past." He shrugged. "We just think."

"That sucks. I'm glad I'm not a guard. So how did you get signed on with Luna?"

"Celestia offered some of her guards a choice. We could swap our colors or we could stay under her fold. She had profiles on all of those she asked, knowing beforehoof that we would all say yes. We all did it for a number of reasons. Some didn't like the day hours. Some were already working night hours anyway and decided not to change. Some liked the idea of a small pay increase. Some wanted to do it for the looks. Some wanted to meet the night princess, to see what kind of pony Celestia would willingly forgive for doing such a heinous act. Some just wanted a change in their life. Me? I just loved the irony."

"Her profiles must be rather in depth if she knew you would agree to it because if irony."

"She knows almost everything about everypony under her command. I wager she knows quite a bit more about you than she lets on, too."

"Oh I'm sure she does. But I know she doesn't know everything."

He gave me an unsettling smile. "You'd be surprised."

"No, I wouldn't. If she knew everything I would be in prison—if I was lucky. It's more likely that she would kill me." I tell her a lot, I'll admit. But she doesn't know everything.

"If you say so. When do you usually go to bed? I'm really tired."

"Is it even dark out?" He shrugged. "I hate not having windows. But I suppose it's a good thing, here. I'm stuck on this chapter anyway." I stood, popping my back; being forced to lean over because of my wings is a pain. I grabbed my toothbrush and went to the bathroom. _At least they have running water. Somehow._

I finished up and went back into the room to find Smiles reading my notes. There was nothing sensitive there so I didn't really care. He looked up as I sat on the bed. "You're the writer of the books from another world?"

"So that's what they're calling them now? Yeah, that's me. Well, not the writer, just the translator. That's how I've pushed so many out so quickly. It's a shame I don't have the originals; I have to make do with what I can remember, and that isn't always everything. Still, it's better than the crap books you had before I got here."

"I went with Princess Luna to a showing of Hamlet. She cried her eyes out at the end. A lot of ponies did."

"That's the point. We got so inured to such tragedies in our daily life that we have to make such things theatrical to drive the pain home. It's a shame Celestia forbade me from bringing more tragedies over, but I think the few I brought were more than enough to encourage other play-writes to bring some up."

"Why not write happy stories, to help you forget?"

"Because life isn't always happy. The book you're poking through right now is called _Braveheart_. If his wife hadn't died, the man would have no reason to do what he did. Sure, the English were unjust, but it wasn't personal until then. In the end the man dies. He dies horribly, having failed. The only victory he has is that he gets the queen of England pregnant. But that book will probably never get printed, because Celestia will want to read through it first."

He looked down at the notes before shuffling them together. "I guess I have no reason to read it, now."

"It isn't about the end, Smiles, nor is it about the beginning. The only thing that matters is how you get there."

"If you say so. Are you ready for bed?"

I looked over at the door. "Did you lock that?" He nodded. "Then yes."

"I uh… I have two things to say first, though. I'm a pretty deep sleeper. And uh… I'm kinda hoovesy."

"That's a bad combination. You stay on your side of the bed and I stay on mine."

"Um. Have you… have you _looked _at the bed?"

I looked at the bed. "Son of a bitch." It was a double. I sighed. "It's just one night. Remember that I'm dating your princess."

_At least I'm wearing clothes._ I lied down as far to one side as I could without being in danger of falling off and pulled the blanket over me. Smiles wasted no time getting in either.

"Um."

"I can't control them, Smiles. They don't tuck in well against my body. Just ignore them." Fucking wings. "Besides, I thought you wanted to play with them earlier." He hmm'd. "Don't play with my bloody wings." He sighed.

Before too long I heard his breathing slow down. Not too long after that I felt the bed move a bit. I felt a hoof slowly trail down my wing. _This isn't going to end well._ I jerked the wing up, out of his reach. He murmured something and shifted again.

Everything was going okay until I managed to fall asleep. I wasn't out for five minutes before I felt myself rather rudely jerked backwards, even though I fell asleep on my stomach. I was apparently now on my side, and being spooned by a large bat-pony._ At least he doesn't have a boner. Ponies don't get morning wood, right?_

…Right?

OH GOD PONIES GET MORNING WOOD!

I tried pushing myself out of bed to find that I was completely trapped. His forelegs had my upper body trapped and his… _oh God_… had my lower body trapped. _There's no way it should be that big! What is this guy, a hor—Oh yeah_.

I jabbed my elbow backwards into his ribs. He grunted and shifted, grinding against me. I looked down but couldn't see much because of the lack of light. _How did he get that between my legs? What the fuck is _wrong_ with this world?_

"WAKE UP, SMILES!" I punctuated that with a backwards head butt into what I was hoping his snout.

"Hmm, feisty today, Flare Runner," he sleepily sighed. I felt a hoof start to descend from its iron lock around my chest. "I know what'll make you go back to sleep."

It's times like these that I'm glad I sleep with a belt. "I'm not your boyfriend, Smiles," I said in a voice that was bordering on panic.

"What he doesn't know can't hurt him," he whispered.

"Alright, fuck this." I clenched my legs together, tightening around his… ugh. I jerked them sideways, bending it unnaturally.

The forelegs around me squeezed tight and Smiles jolted awake with a cry of pain. I found myself flying across the room, colliding face first with the wall. I was out like a light.

I woke up to being shaken by a terrified Sunshine Smiles. "Oh Luna, please wake up, please wake up, assaulting an officer is a bad enough, but killing one? Oh Luna…"

I groaned, feeling my face explode in pain. I pushed myself to a sitting position as Smiles let off a small cheer. I felt blood dripping down from my nose and saw a small puddle of it on the floor where I had been laying. "Get me some tissues," I groaned.

He ran to the bathroom and came back with some. "I'm so sorry, sir! Please don't castrate me!"

I took the tissues. "You just earned yourself a ridiculous pet name. I'll figure something out."

I had time to see a massive smile on his face before being hugged. I noticed he was still having morning problems.

"Get away from me, dammit! That hurts!" He immediately pulled away, blushing. "Go take care of your… ugh, morning problem. Stop waving it in my face." He grinned sheepishly.

"I'm sorry, Nav. I told you I was hoovsy…"

"I don't want to talk about it. You're sleeping on the fucking floor from now on." I staggered to my feet, pressing a tissue to my nose. "This better not be broken. Clean up the blood, I need a shower."

"Are you sure you should…" At my look he shut up. I shakily walked to the bathroom, still holding that tissue to my nose.

"God, my head hurts… Do any of the guards know healing spells?" We had three unicorn guards with us, thankfully. Two day and one night.

"All guards get rudimentary healing training. They should be strong enough to heal it if it isn't broken…"

"If it's still fucked up when I get out we'll find out." I closed the door and checked the mirror. _Oh yeah, that's bad._ My shirt was covered in blood and the towel was starting to drip.

Before I could get into the shower there was a frenzied knocking at the door. I sighed and opened it. Smiles was there with the night unicorn.

"Sweet Luna, what did you do to him, Smiles?" the unicorn asked upon seeing me.

"I fell down some stairs," I said. "Can you fix this?"

"I can certainly try, sir." His dark horn flashed a bit as he stepped into the bathroom. He leaned down to me and I felt some healing magic pour in. After a moment he stepped away. "Better, sir?"

"Aye. The pain's gone. I guess it isn't broken after all."

The night unicorn stepped out of the bathroom and looked around. He saw the puddle that my guard had yet to clean. "Stairs, sir? That doesn't look like stairs to me."

"Maybe you should get your eyes checked, then. Or maybe my memory's a bit fuzzy. You get my meaning?"

He looked up at me and gave a small nod. "Yes sir, I think I do." He smiled. "It's good to have a commander that looks after us."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Now go to bed, I'm sure Shiny kept you up all night guarding Miss Prissy."

He let a laugh out before he could stop himself. "It's Missus Prissy now, sir." I waved him away. He left as I was closing the door to the bathroom again.

I took a quick shower to get all the blood off. Quick, because apparently the griffins haven't figured out how to heat water up. Or maybe I just had a fucktard moment and couldn't figure out how to turn it up. Either way, it was colder than a dad's stare when you bring his daughter back late. I got out shivering. Thankfully, the towels were massive, allowing to me cover my entire body.

It was at that point that I noticed I didn't bring any spare clothes in. I dried off as best I could and wrapped the towel around me. I left the bathroom. "If that shower makes hot water, you need to show me how," I told Smiles as I dug through my bag. I stood to find him staring at me. "What?"

"I've just… always wondered what you looked like without your clothes. All of us have."

"Well, you've already fucking molested me on accident…" I dropped the towel. "Nothing impressive, as I'm sure you can tell."

He looked me up and down. "Damn. I owe Frolic five bits." He shook his head as I started to get dressed. "The showers here are odd, from what I was told. The regular showers don't get hot water, but ours do for a short period each day—or whenever a unicorn feels like taking a shower."

"So, do you know anything about a schedule today?"

"No pony tells me anything."

"I know that feeling… If you're hungry, feel free to go eat. I'll be fine here. If anyone needs me they know where I'm at."

"Do you know where the mess hall is?"

"There's a mess hall? I don't know, ask one of the other guards. I'm sure they know where to get some food."

"I suppose I can do that now… See you when I get back, then."

It felt good to be alone again. Especially after the traumatizing events of the morning. Seriously, never again. I sat at the table and started writing again.

Smiles came back soon enough. I asked, "Have you ever guarded an ambassador before?"

"Yes, I have. I've guarded Princess Celestia and Prince Blueblood as they went to various nations. I was even with the princess when she came here, once."

"Anything fun to do in town?"

"Most griffins don't care for ponies. It's nothing personal, they just view us as mostly weak. I had to hoof-wrestle a maniac to get let into their bars."

"And you won?"

He scoffed. "Tartarus no. I just put up enough of a fight that they let me in anyway. I don't remember most of that night, either… Too much of a local drink, I guess. Mead, I think it's called. Don't know what's in it. Kinda like that stuff you gave us at Shiny's party."

"Hm. Is there any kind of directory here? Any way to contact old friends?" Hell, if Gilda is in town she can get me anywhere I want to go, I bet. She seemed like a party girl.

"Not that I know of. You might be able to find out from someone in the castle, though. You'd have to ask a servant or something."

"I might just do that. You wouldn't happen to know a Gilda, would you?"

"That's a relatively common name here. I know the king has a daughter named Gilda. There are several noble families that do as well. How do you know her?"

"She has a friend in Ponyville and she came by to visit one time. She was pretty cool. I wouldn't mind seeing her again, if she's in town. I'm sure she knows all the fun things to do here."

"For her to be rich enough to visit Equestria, she'd have to be pretty highly ranked. But for her to be there alone she wouldn't be the king's daughter." He shrugged. "She shouldn't be hard to find, assuming she's here. She might well be a native Equestrian griffin. There aren't many, but it's possible."

"Eh, it's not all important. I just don't want to be sitting here for three fucking weeks. Especially not with Cadance and Shiny pissed at me."

"Well, if you weren't acting like you are…"

"Yeah, yeah. I wasn't planning on spending too much time in this place anyway. Having them pissed is just a nice bonus. If they don't need me, you want to explore the town?"

"Not much is going to be happening at this hour, but it shouldn't be that hard to find places that'll be full come night fall."

"Oh. Oh no. I don't need to be at any places come night fall. At least, not without a princess watching my back. The last time I went into a club without Luna I got slipped a Mickey. I woke up in a pile of ponies with a very sticky and sore body."

"Huh. Did you report that to the guard?"

"Nah. No harm done. I can't get ponies preggers and I can't get pony diseases."

"Well, if you're really worried, I'm guarding you for a reason. I won't let anypony hurt you."

I was somewhat worried about how he was planning on 'guarding' me. Especially given he would be guarding against griffins. He'd probably kiss me or something and say that I was his.

…Okay, that's mean. I know what he did that morning was an accident. "I'll think about it. My biology might not allow it anyway. I assume they accept bits here?"

"They do. It didn't take them long to be converted to the Equestrian bit. It's a lot more stable than what they had before."

"Good, then I'm rich here, too. Here's hoping they don't need me for much this week." I went back to writing.

Of course, my life never gets to be that quiet. Not long after there came a knocking at my door. _Maybe they have the wrong door?_ Smiles opened it. "What is your business?"

"The king summons Sir Navarone. He will come with me."

I stood and slipped the axe belt around my back. "Don't worry about your armor, Smiles. You'll be fine without it. Come on."

"You are to come alone, he said," the griffon responded.

"He can wait outside wherever we meet. But he will be coming with me. That is the desire of my liege lady, and I shan't disappoint her."

"You can discuss that with the king if you desire. You will meet him alone, though. I care not if your pet follows."

"Then lead the way." He did just that. I paused just long enough to lock the door behind us.

"There are no thieves in this castle," the griffin said.

"Okay." There is no more infuriating answer than that.

"Why did you lock your door?"

"Habit."

"It is a habit you should break."

"Comments like that are why I lock my door. That sounded entirely too ominous for my liking."

"Are you insinuating that I am a thief?" His tone was sharp.

"Not you personally. I'm not even saying you know anything about it. But I wouldn't be surprised to have that crossbow of mine disappear the first time I leave my door open. Tech like that—even tech as far behind as a crossbow—are marvels to a race with no natural ranged attacks and the inability to use bows. I don't think it'll happen just yet, but I believe the king will eventually ask me how to make it and if I don't tell him the crossbow will disappear."

"So you are calling my _king _a thief!"

"No. It wouldn't be his hand—or talon—that did the taking. Anyway, do you know any griffins named Gilda that spent a lot of time in Equestria lately?"

He was shaking in rage at the moment, actually. I think it was only the fact that I was an ambassador that stopped him from attacking me. He didn't answer my Gilda inquiry, just stalked through the palace with Smiles and I close behind. Smiles gave me a bit of a disapproving look, but he didn't say anything. I really should start being more diplomatic. _Griffins are too arrogant to let me get away with this forever._

The griffin finally stopped in front of a door. He seemed to calm himself for a moment before saying, "This is where he wanted to meet you. Leave your servant outside."

"Don't wander far, Smiles," I told him. "I can just go in?" The servant nodded. I shrugged and pushed the door open. I stepped inside and surveyed the scene in front of me. The king was at a desk on the far side of the room, his back to me. There was no one else there. The room itself was relatively bare. A few couches, a fireplace, a single bookshelf, the king's desk, and a window. There were no tapestries and no rugs. It was cold. "There are many that would question the sanity of a ruler that sits with his back to a door in a room with no guards," I said aloud, closing the door behind me.

"I would question the courage of one that wouldn't be willing to," he said without turning.

"There's a difference between being brave and being stupid, your highness. Your kingdom needs a living king more than they need a brave one."

He sighed, turning to face me. "Where were you fifty years ago?" He stood and began to pace. "So much could have been prevented if we had a foreign mind helping us think. It wouldn't even have to be a smart one! We just needed a different perspective! We needed a voice to tell me when I was making a stupid mistake. We needed someone that had no fear of me or my power. I had brown-beakers aplenty, but so few that were willing to tell me what I needed to do… and fewer still that I allowed to live. We avoided war with the ponies a few years ago by a feather's width. A firebrand noble's daughter was insulted and snubbed in a small town in Equestria. He used that as a kickoff point for massive political turmoil, all aimed at a war against Equestria. And all because one rich snob got her feathers tweaked." He guffawed. "Hell, she disappeared for nearly a year after that! The only reason the war didn't kick off from that alone was because when she came back she was completely changed. Apparently she was injured by a freak wind gust and had to spend a long time recovering in a small pony hamlet. They treated her with kindness despite her rash attitude and she slowly grew tolerable, or something silly like that." He waved a claw. "Either way, I was willing to listen to that idiot. I need a voice of reason in my court."

"Well, good luck with that. I'm stuck in Equestria."

"I know _you _are. But surely you aren't the only human. There are more where you come from, yes?"

"Yeah, seven billion more." He jerked to a stop, staring at me. "But I wouldn't bring a single one here for any reason. My life was ruined when I got dragged here. My family, gone. Friends, gone. I lost contact with my entire race and was thrust into a world that I have no chance of fully integrating with. I'm stuck here and I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone else, even if I don't regret it happening to me."

"I see." He continued pacing. "The point remains that I need a voice of reason, one that doesn't fear me. One willing to tell me what I'm doing wrong and to tell me when I'm being stupid."

"Hire a mercenary from Egypt. The cat people there are as sly as I am, though perhaps not as militarily minded. I don't think the naga would like living up here in this cold, but if you could get one of them that would be great. Most of the dogs aren't that bright, but if you could get one of the smarter ones that would be good. I don't suggest a pony; most of them would be intimidated, and very few are good with tactics at all. Or you could try to find a dragon. Princess Luna has one as a good friend, so I know it's possible."

"A dragon would be… useful. I will have to look into that. Naga don't like the cold, as you said. The dogs are our friends… I will ask if they can lend me an advisor. And I have always wanted to meet one of the cats. I might look into that as well. But I did not bring you here for this. Sit, sit. Let us talk."

"Before we begin, can I bring my guard in here? I would hate to have him chilling in the hall for however long we're in here."

"You don't need to be worried about this old bird, Navarone. I won't attack you."

"I know, but if I'm sitting on a comfortable couch it only seems fair that he gets to as well. I don't think we'll be talking about state secrets."

He shrugged. "Fair enough. If either of you tries anything, you won't make it out of this country alive."

"Nah, if I wanted to kill you I would have done it last night by poisoning you. Your mug was wide open the entire time." He blinked but didn't say anything as I went to call Smiles in. He entered and bowed slightly to the king. "Have a seat anywhere. We were just about to get started and I didn't want to leave you in the hall."

"I have never seen a pony like this one before," the king said, looking at my guard. "Where do you come from?"

"Equestria, sir. I am one of Princess Luna's guards. She uses magic to modify our appearances to fit in better with the night. Sir Navarone had similar modifications, but had them removed."

"I see. Sit, both of you, and let's talk."

And that's just what we did. He was interested in all sorts of things. He kept us talking until bloody lunch and we continued the conversation on the way there and while he and Smiles were eating. He finally shut up after we finished.

When he finally told us we were free to go, I said, "When we first started talking, you mentioned a griffin that had been in Equestria. I met her there, and was wondering if she's in town. Do you know?"

"I don't, but I'll have someone find out for you. If she is and wants to see you, she'll stop by. If not…" He shrugged. "A phrase you used, c'est la vie."

"Yep. See you later, Bloodbeak." It was hard to think of him as a rapist when he was so nice to me. For the king of the griffins—the second most arrogant race I've found here—he was pretty cool.

Of course, Shining Armor wanted to know where I was all day. He didn't seem that upset when I told him, thankfully. Though honestly I don't think I would have cared if he was.

Thankfully, I was left to my own devices for the next several days. I apparently pissed Shiny off enough to remove me from the guard roster, so I didn't have to take a turn 'guarding' Cadance when she went to see the king or another dignitary or anything like that. For a week I just lounged around. I passed the time by writing, playing card games with the guards, teaching griffins how to play card games, and occasionally exploring the castle. The king also summoned me a few times for more chats. It was nice.

By the first week, though, I was tired of lounging about in the castle. I still saw and heard no sign of Gilda, so I assumed she was either out of town or didn't want to hang out. This place wasn't like Egypt; I didn't have to worry about a pickpocket or worse coming after me. I also had no chance of blending in with the crowd, so I suppose there would be less of a chance of it anyway.

So Smiles and I spent a week exploring the town. We both got plenty of stares and even more questions—griffins were bold and upfront, after all. I stayed away from the booze and the parties, though I don't think a griffin would want to take advantage of me like that. I was also able to find the recipe for mead; it was pretty simple, once I offered up the recipe for applejack. A little variety in life is never bad, after all. A whole week was spent exploring the town, away from the castle as much as possible. Shining Armor and Cadance didn't much like it, but then I don't think I could have won their approval at that point no matter what I did.

Honestly, nothing important happened those two weeks. It felt great to have a bit of time to myself on official business when I didn't have to actually do anything. I finally felt that the ponies could handle their own damn problems for once.

Nothing good ever lasts.

It was the start of the third week here in Gryphus. Sunshine Smiles actually found someone willing to make his night—calling me on that promise I made at the start. I wasn't expecting him to, honestly, but I guess that's what happens when someone gets too emotionally attached to those he is supposed to lead.

Anyway, I was sitting in the hall well away from my room—I sure didn't want to hear that shit—when I saw a griffin peeking its head down the hall. It was pretty late at night and by all rights I should have been asleep, so I was definitely nodding off. All I had on me was my ax—as I took it with me everywhere—my throwing knives, and my crossbow with a single bolt—I left the rest in my room and didn't bother unloading it.

Now, griffins wandering the halls weren't uncommon. After all, we were in their castle in their capital. They owned the joint, so they were free to walk its halls. Because of this, Shining Armor stopped putting up guards after the first week; it grew tiresome for every single griffin that passed through to be checked. I personally didn't think that was a wise move, but Shiny was in charge, not me. Besides, the griffins seemed pretty chill; why would they try to deep six any of us?

This griffin didn't get the memo. She noticed me nodding off, leaning haphazardly against the wall and looking quite like a puppet with its strings cut off, and did her best to quietly sidle up the hall. I noticed her and was watching her the entire way, but I didn't move; I didn't see any reason to and I figured she would be moving on.

She didn't. She also didn't seem to realize that I could see her perfectly. I mean, it was dark in the halls and a normal pony or person wouldn't have been able to see her at all. She was making no noise, either. She got right up next to me and whispered something I couldn't hear. She slowly reached over to me and pulled a knife off my belt, whisking it out soundlessly. I didn't react, just waited to see what she would do.

She backed away from me and opened the door to Cadance's room. She entered without a sound, leaving the door open. I stood, thanking myself that I left everything that might have made noise in my room before Smiles took it over.

I was hoping to be proven wrong, but I wouldn't have put a bet on it no matter the odds.

I wasn't. The assassin was inching her way toward the bed, my knife clutched in one of her talons. I reached inside my left sleeve and withdrew a knife of my own. I wasted no time catching up to her; I didn't need to worry about being as noisy, after all.

She still didn't notice me, being completely absorbed on not making a single noise to wake the sleeping duo. I spared not a glance for them, my eyes only for the foolish little assassin before me.

I was at her side before she was halfway to the bed. In a normal conversational tone I said, "Drop the knife or it'll be your blood that paints the room this night."

I was pleasantly surprised to find that she did drop the knife rather quickly. I was less pleasantly surprised when she followed up by slashing me with her razor-sharp talons, opening a jagged tear along my ribs.

"Mistake," I hissed, kicking at her. She easily dodged, rushing toward the bed that contained a very rudely awoken magical couple. She was jumping at Cadance, talons outstretched, when my hand snatched her tail feathers and yanked her back. I don't remember drawing my ax, but it was in my off hand. I barely managed to catch her talon on it as she struck at me again. She recovered before I could and swiped at me again, scoring a cut on my ax arm that completely disabled it. I dropped the ax, crying out. Shiny and Cadance were well and truly awake by now, and light flooded the room. The assassin, to her credit, did not flinch at the sudden light. I didn't either, my mind too far gone in shock.

She jerked away from me and back to Cadance, who had time to look on in horror as the griffin jumped at her again, once more to be caught by my good arm as I ripped her back so hard she actually collided into me. "I'm not finished with you, bitch!" I let her tail go and punched her in her very surprised face, cracking her beak.

She reared back, dazed from the blow. I had enough time to grab my axe, sticky with amber blood, before she recovered. "You made the mistake of taking out my wrong arm, you crazy cunt," I wheezed as we circled each other, watching for weaknesses. It was rather obvious where mine was.

She wasted little time in going for it, too; she feinted right, towards the hand with the axe, but clawed at my left side, further tearing open the wound on my ribs. The axe fell again and she turned back to Cadance, who was now doing her best to get over the panic to actually cast a spell.

Shining Armor jumped in front of her, standing between Cadance and the assassin. The assassin grinned, finding a new opponent. She pounced…

Just in time to catch a crossbow bolt in the back of her skull.

I dropped the crossbow from my right hand—the side of my body that had taken no punishment, miraculously. "Fuck. Assassins," I managed before I collapsed. Thanks to the curse that Luna and Celestia gave me I wasn't in an incredible amount of pain, but all the rips still stung and I had lost a lot of amber blood.

It's funny. The first thing that came to my mind was the song Amber by a band back home. My real home, not Ponyville.

It didn't stay funny for long. I picked myself off the bed I was laid upon and reached across to the basin of water left there. I could tell I had a bit of stubble and my face felt pretty nasty, so I knew I had been out at least all night, probably longer. I washed my face with the water there and stood, stretching. I could work my arm again, which was nice. I hadn't been changed out of my clothes, so there were massive tears and a dark stain on it. It was a black shirt, though, so the stain was hardly noticeable.

I saw my axe leaning against a nightstand. I grabbed it and slid it into the loop on my back.

Then I thought for a moment and removed it. I pulled open the bag of my armor and started putting that on first. I was putting on my gauntlets when the door slammed open. A gauntlet promptly slammed into Shining Armor's face. "That'll teach you to knock," I muttered as I buckled the axe belt over the armor.

"Good to see you're awake," he said when he recovered enough. "Though it's a bit less good that you're throwing things left and right."

"Not left and right. Only at you. Pass me that gauntlet, would you?" He tossed it to me with magic. I slipped it on. I went over to the writing desk and grabbed my crossbow and loaded it, drawing the string back tight. I aimed down the sights to make sure it was still okay. "So when are we going to go confront the king?"

"We did, as soon as Cadance calmed down enough. You gave her quite the scare."

"I'm sure. What happened? And where is my guard?"

"The king is not at fault. We can't know who exactly is, since… well, the assassin is most definitely dead. You made sure of that." I patted my crossbow with a grim smile. "It isn't something to be happy about, Navarone. The king let us read him so we know he isn't at fault. But we don't know who—and probably never will, now—was."

"Someone who would benefit from a dead king at the hands of the Equestrian Captain of the Guards. So basically, someone that would benefit from a war between Equestria and the griffons."

His mouth tightened when I mentioned how he would have killed the king, but he didn't dispute it. If Cadance had been assassinated in the night, Shining Armor would have went mad and lashed out at the first target to seem responsible: The king.

"Although," I continued, "the assassin took one of my knives in the hall. It is very possible she was trying to set me up as the fall guy. Although that would have been retarded as fuck, since you couldn't exactly harm me and since I would allow any unicorn to read my mind to prove my innocence." We were silent for a moment. I shrugged. "I guess we can't know now. How's the baby?"

"Just fine." He seemed to slump a bit. "I don't think she could have… Thank you, Navarone. We've had our differences, but… thank you."

"So what do we do now? I assume we aren't going to be spending much more time in Gryphus."

He shook his head. "No, we're going to be spending the same amount of time here. We can't let the one who hired the assassin to think we can be scared off that easily." He gave me a dark grin. "Besides, I don't think security will be a problem anymore. I have my shield up. No pony with any intentions to hurt somepony can get through."

"Why didn't we just do that in the first place? Save us all some time."

"The shield takes a lot of energy to maintain and it shows distrust between us and the griffins. Since they haven't exactly earned our trust this trip…" He shrugged.

"So how are we going to go about finding who called the hit on your wife?"

"We can't. It would be impossible for us to get anywhere. We're not in Egypt, Nav. You can't just barhop for information."

"That's not how I got my info. I tortured the assassin until I learned what I needed, and then Celestia ordered him given to the king. So what is to be done now?"

"For us? Nothing. Just back to my normal schedule of guarding and your normal schedule of… whatever you've been doing these past weeks."

I blinked. "You don't need me to sniff around for info? Or try to find blackmail material for the king? Or kill someone that might or might not deserve it?"

"Uh… no?"

"Huh. That's odd. Usually I have to do some kind of shit to fix the situation when something goes wrong."

"Nav, you aren't all important. You've been in some weird places, yeah, but there are others that can do a job like that just as well if not better than you. It's being taken care of. Enjoy some time off."

"Awesome. So uh… Where's my guard, again?"

"Right outside. He hasn't left your door since you got hurt. Though given that you only got hurt a few hours ago…" He shrugged again. "Just don't go too far. Cadance wanted to speak to you when you woke up, but she's off to see the king right now."

"Did she say what she wanted?"

"No, but I think we can both make a good guess. She probably would have been dead if not for you."

_Maybe I should have given the assassin a few minutes._ "I see. Send Smiles in on your way out."

"He's pretty distraught that he let you down, Nav."

"I'll talk to him."

He nodded. "See you later, then." With that, he walked out.

And in walked Sunshine Smiles. He wasn't smiling now, that's for sure. He shuffled in, staring at the floor. I crossed my arms, watching him. After a moment, I said, "Cadance would be dead if I had not been in the hall. If you hadn't been having sex in my room, I would not have been in the hall. Don't be ashamed."

"You got hurt," he sullenly replied.

"And I got better. I can heal ridiculously fast now. Most of what she did to me was more painful than damaging; she didn't want to kill me, she wanted to disable me. I don't blame you at all for what happened. As far as I see it, Luna doesn't have to know this happened."

He looked up. "She already does."

"Welp, you're boned. Not in the good way, either." He gulped. "Relax, man, I'm kidding. I'll talk to her. I'm sure she won't freak out on you or anything." I paused for a moment and he started to relax. "Probably." I shrugged. "You know how women are."

"What's a woman?"

_I fucking hate this place._ "Mares. You know how mares are."

"If you say so, Nav…" Oh yeah, I finally broke his habit of calling me sir.

I just shook my head and began to remove the armor. If Shiny gave us a shield, I wouldn't exactly be needing it. I sighed as I returned to the desk to continue writing. I didn't get far.

"Nav, I've… been meaning to ask you something." I set the quill down and looked up. Smiles was looking at me kinda funny. "From everything I've heard, when you fight, you… well, you do your best to make sure the enemy goes down and stays down. But when you stop… how do you return to normal so easily?"

"I am not a pony, Sunny. My mind does not work the same way as a pony's. We are built for fighting and for killing, in our mentality. We can tune out everything and focus on one single goal if we have to. That goal can be anything. When I get into fights, my goal is to make sure the enemy will no longer be a danger to me—ever. When the enemy is no longer a threat to me, my mind no longer needs to focus on that and I can go back to whatever I was doing. What I do might come back to me later, but at the same time it might not. I don't think killing this assassin will haunt my mind, since she deserved it." I shrugged. "I fear it might just be a human thing." Or perhaps a predator thing.

"I… see. It's not something you can teach?"

"I don't think so. I mean, it might be teachable, but I don't know how. I wasn't a soldier back in my world, I don't know what kind of training they went through."

"What were you?"

"A student. A nerd, in some ways. It's interesting to see the changes, I suppose." It was, actually. I used to be somewhat shy. Sure, I was no stranger to killing; I was a hunter, after all. But I had never taken a sentient life… Now, I just killed someone without batting an eye in the slightest. Maybe it's not so much a human thing as it is an experience thing. Or maybe I'm just a sociopath.

Not like there's a psychologist here that would tell me different.

"From everything I've heard, you've definitely been through a lot."

"Yeah, I have." I went back to writing, knowing he would want some elucidation. He was disciplined enough to not ask. Or he didn't care. Either way.

The next interruption was a knock at the door. I turned to face that way as my guard answered it. Enter Cadance. She looked a bit happy to see me.

I sighed. "Must we continue this dance of love and hate, Cadance? Why won't you just give in and let me wallow in my darkness?"

Her smile grew wider. "I wasn't going to hug you, but just because of that I will." I wasn't wearing my ring. I dove to where I left it but I didn't get halfway there before her magic gripped me. I gave off a longsuffering sigh as she dragged me over and wrapped her forelegs around me. After a moment she levitated me back to my chair. "Now don't you feel better?"

"I hate you so much right now it hurts," I answered.

"I bet another hug would make you feel better!"

"I think your husband might get jealous."

"Don't be silly, Nav. We all know neither of us would ever consider _that_." I shuddered at the very thought.

"Well, you've physically and emotionally tortured me. Is that all you needed?"

"Nope! I also wanted to thank you."

"Well, now you have."

She turned to Smiles. "Is he always this cranky after waking up from his wounds?" He shrugged. She turned back to me and did her best to put a serious face on. "Thank you, Navarone. I probably would have—" She held a foreleg up to her belly. "—_we _would have died, if not for you."

"I was just doing my job, Cadance."

"No, your job was to impress the king. You were doing something else, out in the hall. Why were you out there?"

I pointed to Smiles. "He was getting laid and I didn't want to see that." Her jaw dropped. "I promised him when we got here that he could use my bed, as long as he…" I looked at the bed and then back to Smiles. "You _did _change the sheets, right?" He looked down. "Oh you fucker! I swear to God, whoever you fucked better have a suction up his ass that kept all that gunk in, because if I just slept in that I'm castrating you!" I paused for a moment, thinking back. With a shudder, I said, "Then again, it's not like I haven't done worse…"

Cadance looked like she was going to be sick. It was somewhat amusing, but nothing I had never seen before. The guard looked sickeningly interested.

Before either could say anything I giggled. "Imagine that, Cadance. You got saved because someone was having sex. Ain't so horrid now, is it?"

She gulped and put on an uneasy grin. "Yeah," she managed. She looked around before backing up a step. "I uh… I think I'll see you later, Nav. Have a good time doing… Whatever you've been doing." With that, she was out.

"Too easy," I sighed while shaking my head. Sunshine took a step backwards to the door. I shot my head his way. "Don't think you're getting off easy. Change the sheets. I should make you sleep in them, but you probably wouldn't have a problem with that. When you're done with that, clean my armor." I sat back down as he sighed and began his work. I continued what I was working on.

It's nice, knowing that the ponies—or perhaps the griffins—can occasionally be competent. Either way, I had another week off that was spent relaxing. It was nice and odd to be letting someone else do all the work for once.

"That was the most uneventful royal business I've ever been on," I was saying to my guard as we boarded the airship home. "Aside from that one spurt of interest, I didn't have to do shit!"

"You call killing somepony uneventful?" he replied. "I've never killed somepony that could talk back before!"

"Yeah, well, I'm not a royal guard. I specialize in killing, not guarding. That might be why." He shivered slightly. "Don't worry about it, Smiles. Just think: We're going home!" I paused. "Well, _I'm_ going home. I guess you're going back to active duty. If Luna gives you grief about what happened, get word to me and I'll do my best to bail you out."

"I hope it doesn't come to that. She's usually understanding."

"More understanding than she has any right to be." I sighed. "By all rights, I should have crashed and burned with her. I'm still surprised she was willing to take me."

"She loves you, Nav. Even if it isn't announced, anypony that sees you and her together can tell it."

"Yeah, but I'm not a pony. I can't tell stuff like that." Other humans could, of course, but not me. "I don't know pony body language perfectly yet."

"Well, there's this thing mares do called winking and—"

"SHUT UP!" I shuddered at the memories. "Yes, I know about… _that_." I don't even want to talk about it.

"Well, that's just the most obvious sign. There are plenty of other more subtle ones."

"I really don't want to talk about it. I think it's a foregone conclusion that she loves me. The only hard part now is making it work. I believe we'll have some time to figure it out."

"If you say so. It'll be fun to watch, at least."

"Well that's comforting. At least someone will be having fun in the event of a falling out."

"Don't think about it that way. Although… If you happen to pick a fight with her before the next year, I'll be a very rich guard."

"You're already a rich guard! And why are you making bets for this kind of thing? What the hell, man?"

He shrugged. "The life of a guard is very boring. We have to do something to keep ourselves amused."

"Why not make bets about Cadance instead? I mean, she's an easy target, right?"

"For you. Most of the guards like her. And most of them definitely like Shining Armor, even if he is sometimes a bit of a—" He looked around, noticing Shiny and Cadance standing pretty close to us on the airship that began to move a few minutes ago. "Well, never mind."

"I know that feel, bro. The princesses do their best to make my life hard, too. Although they usually do it in ways other than pointless drills and inspections." Like libido spells or ordering me to kill people or making me seduce Twilight.

…Wow. I just realized how blasé I got about killing people. That's a serious problem. Oh well.

I took my spot back at the front of the airship and watched as we left the griffin capital behind. It was a very nice break, all things considered. I bet if Celestia had been there I totally would have been doing all kind of work. I'm glad she wasn't there.

Thankfully, I was left alone all the way back home. Not a word from anyone. It was… odd. And nice. Maybe Celestia sent me here with the orders that I be left alone by everyone as much as possible. That would have been nice of her, if true.

Either way, I was headed home.


	49. Chapter Forty-Seven

Chapter Forty-Seven—Homecoming. God I hate it. Also, a bird person

We got back around midday or so. Airships aren't an overly common sight in Ponyville, but it was at least natural. Or rather, it was something that belonged in their world. Most of the ponies gave it a few odd glances before going about their day. A few pegasi stopped by to say hi when they realized we were stopping. I was too busy grabbing my bags from the under decks to see who all was there, but when I got back out I recognized several pegasi from Ponyville. Thankfully, after so long there I was a common sight as well, and thus elicited no comments from the pegasi.

My bags were tied to a rope and slowly lowered over the side while I flew down to the ground. I tried to get Cadance and Shining Armor down to talk with Twilight, but neither were willing to deviate from the schedule. Even though they could both teleport down, say hi, and teleport back up in the time it took me to get my bags.

Fucking ponies never see sense. Never see what they have until it's too late…

Though I'm not certain they would see it even then. I don't know that I've ever seen a pony have a period of time that's 'too late.'

I hummed a sorrowful tune from back home as I untied my bags from the rope. When they were all loose I tugged the rope sharply three times. It began to ascend.

I had time to grab one of my bags before a furry presence made itself known by rubbing up against my leg. I looked down to see Taya. "Miss me much?" I asked as I picked her up, grunting slightly under her weight. She was just about too heavy.

She didn't answer with words. I set her down a few moments later and grabbed at one of my bags. Before I could get any of them they all picked up an orange glow and started floating.

"Well then, shall we?" We began walking back to the library. "Anything happen while I was away?"

"Nothing too important," she answered. "Or at least, nothing you would consider important."

"Good enough for me."

We were halfway back to the library—seriously, I don't know why they couldn't just drop me off right there since that's where they picked me up—when we ran into Pinkie.

She grinned massively when she saw me and opened her mouth wide.

"No thanks, I'm good," I countered her pre-emptive party offering. "I'll give you the choice between a hug and a party."

She seemed to deflate. "Aww, how did you know I was going to throw you a party and then hug you?"

"Because you do that every time. Like I said, your choice. Hug or party."

"Will you enjoy the party?"

"Probably not."

"Will you enjoy the hug?"

"Maybe, but I think it's improbable. It's more likely that I'll enjoy that than I'll enjoy a party."

"You're such a spoilsport, Nav! Why don't you ever enjoy my parties?"

"I'm not really a spoilsport. I never stop others from having fun if I can help it. But your parties just aren't my style. Too immature for my tastes. I willingly admit that you throw great parties, but they're great parties that I'll never enjoy." I shrugged. "I'm perfectly okay with that."

"But it's so _sad_! You should be able to enjoy what everypony else enjoys!"

"There's your problem, Pinkie. Every _pony_."

"…You're a pony to me, Nav."

My foot froze for a moment before I managed to continue walking. That was not something I was ever expecting to hear. "Pinkie, never forget that I'm not a pony. It's for the best, trust me."

"No, I don't think I will. You've never hurt me or anypony I know. And I know you never will hurt anypony that doesn't deserve it. You belong here, Nav. This is your home now, if you'd only realize it."

I sighed. "In a way that's true. But… I'm not getting into this debate. It's not worth it."

She stopped. I didn't. I knew I was supposed to and that she wanted to make a scene, but I wasn't going to give her that easily. "Nav…"

I stopped and turned to her. "I said I'm not talking about this, Pinkie," I calmly replied, knowing full well that I was about to be talking about that.

She looked like she was about to cry. "Why don't you want to belong?"

I sighed. "Taya, take my stuff back. And don't listen in." She walked on without a word. I led Pinkie to a conveniently placed bench and sat. "Pinkie, no one gets to know of this conversation. You want to know why I don't want to let anyone in? Why I don't make more of an effort to make friends? Why I'm such a dick? Well, there are several reasons. One is that I'm relatively callous and uncaring. Sure, I don't really want to hurt anyone, but at this point I'm honestly beyond caring. But you see, it goes deeper than that. I used to hate hurting people—as I'm sure you found when you violated my privacy and read my journals. Think about this, then: What happens if I get close to someone and then I disappear?"

"Disappear how?" she whispered.

"Into thin air."

"They would… they would be sad. They would look for you. Some wouldn't stop until they found you."

"Now guess how my family—my _blood_—feels. Guess how my mother feels about her son that disappeared one day with no trace. Guess how my father feels that he can never meet the woman I would one day marry." Well, maybe. "Guess how my sister feels that her only sibling is gone forever, making her an only child." I looked away from her and leaned back into the bench. "It wasn't my fault that it happened but that doesn't mean I don't know they're hurting. Hurting because of the relationship I had with them. And the few friends I had have to be hurting as well. You can't tell me that's fair, Pinkie. I fought as much as I could to avoid forming any strong relationships here. Sure, I had pretty good reasons for it aside from that—like the honest inability to feel much of love and general introversion—but I don't want to do that to anyone. If I disappeared once… who says it can't happen again?" We were silent for a moment. "Guess I fucked that up, huh?" I stood. "I'll see you later, Pinkie."

As I started to walk away, I heard her quietly say, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"I don't know, am I?"

"You owe me a hug."

"Oh thank God, I don't have to party." I walked back over to her and hugged her.

Her forelegs shot out and wrapped around me, jerking me against her and forcing me to my knees to match her bench-borne height. That did not feel pleasant at all to my knees. I let her go to find that I was pretty well trapped. "Nope, you're not going anywhere!" I sighed and did my best to get comfortable. Given how soft she was and how nice she smelled, that wasn't really a problem.

We were like that for a few minutes. I knew I could outwait Pinkie if I had to. I mean, she was good—scary good—but I didn't have to eat for a while yet.

An hour later, we were collecting quite a few odd looks. Several people came by to ask what Pinkie was doing, to which she answered "Hugging a friend!"

My answer was always, "Getting hugged."

Taya showed up at the two hour mark, looking for me. She found me forced against Pinkie, looking incredibly bored. "Daddy, what are you doing?"

"Getting hugged, apparently. Pinkie, I really don't want to be out here all night. I've slept in your arms before, but that doesn't mean I want to repeat it."

"Guess what, Nav?" Pinkie whispered. I grunted. "You didn't go anywhere. You shouldn't live your life in fear of what might happen. Live in the time you have."

"Pinkie, I'm not a child. Are we done here?"

She pushed me away. I think she was on the verge of crying. She somehow held me by my arms, looking me in the eyes. "Nav, I care about you. We all do. Why won't you just let us in?"

"Because letting others in has never ended in anything other than pain for me. And yes, that includes ponies." I said that way too calmly. Why isn't this making me angry? "Let me go, Pinkie. Nothing I have is worth it." Maybe it was the resignation in my voice. Maybe it was the calm voice I said it in. Maybe it was my relatively dead eyes.

But whatever it was, Pinkie punched me in the face. Not an easy punch from a soft hoof—I swear, sometimes hoof density changes—but a hard as fuck blow from a hard as rock hoof.

I flew back and my skull hit the cobblestone road behind me. It hurt. A lot.

For a moment I couldn't even move. All I felt was pain. My entire head was fucked up, my knees were still sore, and I had been attacked by yet another friend.

I achingly sat myself up. Pinkie looked horrified. She opened her mouth but I cut her off. "No. Give me a few days to cool down. If you open your mouth to me in that time I will hurt you. Leave." She opened her mouth again. "Now."

There weren't unshed tears in her eyes this time. She just ran away, sobbing.

When she was gone I finally let my head sink into my hands. Despite all the pain resistance I had, it still hurt incredibly bad. I think the only reason I stayed conscious at all was because of the tree thing. I tried to move my legs but found that I couldn't.

And then I felt the pain deaden and finally drop away entirely. I pulled my head up and found Taya looking at me with concern. "Thank you." I tried moving my legs to find that they still wouldn't budge. "I've been kneeling too long. I can't move my legs even with the pain gone." An orange aura surrounded me and I lifted up a bit. "I love you, Taya. And don't tell anyone what Pinkie just did." Though given that she did it in the open in a town as relatively small as Ponyville, I expected the news to make the rounds anyway. I sighed a bit as Taya drifted me back to the library. I slowly felt circulation begin to warm my legs up again.

"She should be punished, though," Taya answered me after a short moment.

"I _am _punishing her. Being forbidden to talk to a friend—or someone she considers a friend—is hell for her. And to have left on such a sour note?" I shook my head. "What I did was cruel. I pushed her to the breaking point and then got angry when she broke. Shoulda known that was coming… I deserved it."

Taya didn't answer. For her, that was indictment enough.

"I hate getting punched in the face. Try to avoid that, Taya." We were nearing the library now. "Set me on my feet. I want to see if I can walk yet." She did. I took a few shuddering steps. I was soon back into the rhythm and we finished the journey to the library.

Twilight looked up as I entered. "How was the trip?"

I shrugged. "Alright. I only had to kill one person. I got to call the king of the griffins a peckerhead, which was pretty awesome. It was a nice vacation."

She was looking at me funny. "Did you say you… killed somepony?"

"It was a griffin, actually. An assassin sent to kill Cadance. Or maybe her unborn foal. Either way, an assassin. I got another formula for more alcohol. Do you think Fluttershy has bees with honey?"

"An assassin tried to kill Cadance?!"

"Hm? Yeah. Came in the dead of night and tried to give her a second smile. Didn't get the chance. Now, about the bees?"

"Why would somepony want to kill her?"

"Don't know. Being dead makes you hard to interrogate. Bees?"

"Forget about the stupid bees! This is important, Nav! What happened?"

I rolled my eyes. "_Fine_. My guard was getting laid in my room so I was in the hall. I was nodding off when I saw a griffin come down the dark hall. This was a normal occurrence, so I didn't pay it much mind until she got to me. She stopped, looked down, pulled a dagger off my belt, and opened the door to Cadance's room. I followed her in, confronted her, we got into a tussle, and in the end she had a bolt in the back of her braincase."

"Why didn't you capture her?"

"Because she kicked my ass. I couldn't even use my left arm and my side was scratched all to hell. The only reason she didn't kill me is because she wasn't trying. She was pouncing at Shiny when I pulled my crossbow up and shot her. The reason I didn't let him take care of it is that, if he hadn't stopped her yet, he probably wouldn't be able to stop her at all. They were both awake at that time, so either one could have used magic to pull her away from me and hold her in place. If neither had done it, I figured there was a reason."

"Did they figure anything out about why the assassin was there?"

"If they did they didn't tell me." Nothing all that unusual about that. And it wasn't my business anyway.

She started pacing, muttering. I shrugged and continued on up to my room. I set down my weapons and started unpacking. When I got done with all that, I returned to the front room of the library to find Spike looking for books and Twilight reading through one. Taya was writing something down over in the corner she usually does everything in.

Spike looked up when I walked down the stairs. "So what took you so long to get back to the library, anyway?"

I waved a hand. "Oh, I just got held by Pinkie." Literally.

He rolled his eyes, returning back to his search. We all knew Pinkie.

Twilight said, "I figured she would have come back with you. I haven't seen her in a few days."

"She ran off. You know how she is sometimes." I walked over to a table and grabbed a small sheet of paper. I wrote down a quick list and walked over to the door. "I'll be back in a few minutes," I said. The only answer I got was Taya looking up.

The first stop I made was Fluttershy's cabin. I was a bit surprised that none of my other friends noticed me walking in town, but it was getting near nightfall by then. I was hoping that I wouldn't wake Fluttershy.

I whistled a low song as I walked, just thinking about things I needed to do. I still had to take Spike hunting. That would give me an excuse to get out of town for a day or two so I wouldn't have to worry about running into Pinkie. I needed to start the mead.

…And that's actually it. It was nice to have a schedule with nothing on it again.

I made it to Fluttershy's little home with no interruptions. I knocked. She didn't take long in answering it, a toothbrush in her mouth. When she saw it was me, she stepped aside, gesturing to enter. I did so, shutting the door behind me. I took a seat while she went back to her bathroom.

Angel glared at me from a perch on the other side of the room. I showed him my middle finger and he shook a bunny fist at me before running away. Fluttershy didn't take long to get back down. "What did you need, Nav?"

I passed her the list of ingredients that she somehow grabbed in her hoof. "Do you know where I can get any of these? I don't need them tonight, I just need to know if you have any of them."

She read over the list quickly. "I can get some of this. I… I don't know what some of this is, though." She looked up. "What's this for? If… if you don't mind me asking."

"A project of mine. I want to see if I can recreate something I found in Gryphus. If I can, cool. If not, oh well."

She looked a bit confused. "Griffins have ways of handling bees? I'll have to talk to Gilda about it! If she's willing, that is…"

"Gilda's in town?"

"Oh, yes. She got here a few days after you left. She'll probably be leaving soon, though." Well, I guess that explains why she didn't contact me in Gryphus. Ah well.

"I don't think she'll know much about bees, but you're welcome to ask. Has she been doing okay? Not threatening or attacking anyone?"

"Not that I know of. She seems to be much nicer now!"

"Good. I'm going to let you get to sleep, then. I know you wake up early for your animals." I stood. "Good to see you again, Fluttershy."

She smiled. "You too, Nav. Oh, and when you get a chance, talk to Pinkie. I think she had something important she wanted to tell you."

I raised an eyebrow. "Do you know what?"

Her smile turned a bit sly. "I do, but I think it's her place to tell you." Oh lord.

"Thanks for the heads up, then. I'll talk to you later." She saw me out and then I was heading back home.

_What could Pinkie possibly want_? I mean, I already saw her. She didn't say too much when I saw her then. At least, nothing that would warrant Fluttershy telling me to go find her. I mean, I had suspicions. I had them for a while. For some stupid reason, I think Pinkie had a crush on me. I was going to have to nip that in the bud, if it came to it; Pinkie terrified me and she raped me. Even if I wasn't…in love with—God it's weird to say that—Luna, I still wouldn't date Pinkie.

So here's hoping she doesn't have a crush on me.

I woke up to the sensation of something velvety on my lips. I tried swatting at it to find that I couldn't move. That wasn't surprising, honestly; my biology dictates that I pretty much _must _sleep during winter and fall. If I don't, I'll be unable to do much of anything the following day that doesn't involve laying down. Because of that, my body is usually very sluggish at night during winter.

Anyway, the velvety sensation. It disappeared for a moment before coming back stronger. I felt something slip into my mouth. That's when I opened my eyes to see Luna kneeling down, kissing me. My brain wasn't really firing right, so I pretty much just laid back and took it.

After a minute, she finally pulled back and noticed my open eyes. "Good, you're finally awake."

"Silly Woona. The knight is supposed to kiss the princess awake, not the other way around." She blushed at the nickname. I felt my eyes slip closed again and I started drifting back off. I felt something gently slap at my face, but I was still too far gone.

I heard a sigh and some muttering. "I didn't want to have to do this," she finally said. I felt the velvet on my lips again. After a moment, my heart rate started to pick up and my eyes shot open to see Luna's horn glowing. She pulled away at my sharp intake of breath. "I know magically healing away fatigue is not wise, but I do need to talk to you. I can put you back to sleep after, if you desire."

I sat up. "What did you need?" I saw that we were in her bedroom and I was on her bed. My pants were missing. "And… what all did you try to wake me up?" My crotch was wet.

"Let's just say that we've been here a while. You are a very deep sleeper, Nav. Now, what happened while you were in Gryphus?" I gave her a short run through. "You had no problems with your guard?"

"Not really. Other than the fact that I had a guard in the first place. The company was nice, at least. If I had to spend all that time alone I would have been bored out of my mind."

"There was no throwing you against the wall? No failing in his duty to protect you with his life? No molesting you?" The last was spoken with a particular vehemence.

"I think I would have mentioned something like that happening, Luna."

"That is not a no."

"I have no complaints against him. Is there anything else you need?"

"Navarone, you are essentially the commander of all my forces, should it come to a battle. Yes, I have a night captain of the guard, but she will defer to you if the situation calls for it. You do not need to coddle your troops just because you like them."

"Okay."

She grit her teeth. "Well?"

"He threw me against the wall in self-defense. Him failing in his duty to protect me is what saved Cadance. The molestation thing was an accident." I shrugged. "If he was a dick about what he did, that would be one thing. I honestly don't think he did bad. I mean, given the number of days he guarded me and the number of times I got attacked, I think it was a pretty good ratio."

"You could have died, Nav!"

"I could die walking down the street. There's a mare in Ponyville, extremely clutzy. She helps people move sometimes. It wouldn't be the first time she accidentally left a moving chariot open and let its cargo go everywhere. You can't expect me to stay perfectly safe, Luna. There will always be some dangers out there, and with a career like mine I'll always run into more of them."

She sighed. "I wish I could just keep you here at the palace. I love you, Nav. I don't want you to get hurt."

"I don't want me to get hurt either. But someone has to do the things I do. It might as well be someone that won't be missed by too many people."

"Navarone, never think for a second that you are not important to many ponies. Despite what I think about many of your friends, I know they like you and would mourn your passing. Celestia would lose her only real friend besides me. Your daughter would be distraught. And I would lose my love." She reached out a hoof to caress my face. It was… a hoof. Soft, but still a hoof.

I took it in my hands. "I know," I answered, stroking the hoof lightly. "It just makes my job easier to think I won't be missed. And I really don't like the idea of punishing someone for acting like a normal pers—pony. I don't know protocol. I leave that to others. I told him I would put a good word in." I shrugged. "Smiles is a good guy, from what I saw. Just… don't give me guards again, please."

"I did not think you would approve. That is why I made sure to give him the orders myself. If there ever is a next time, do not try to be friends with the guard. Their job is to keep you safe, not to keep you entertained."

I shook my head, letting her hoof fall. "I can't do this royal stuff, Luna. I treat people as people—or ponies as ponies, whatever. I know it's just their job, but I know what it's like to just be doing a job. They're still people under it all. Why treat them any different than I would Celestia?"

"For being such a horrible place, your world inspires such lofty ideals."

"It's not all horrible, Luna. There is plenty of good there. There's also plenty of bad. It's a balance."

"If you say so. We have other things to discuss, however. I am…" She blushed brightly. "I'm going into heat soon. There are ways of alleviating it and making it disappear until next year, but there is still a discomfort involved. I know you can't be very active during the fall and winter months at night, but I can give you magical energy so you can be awake at night."

"Hold on. I thought ponies had heat on a monthly basis for a short time period. I know Celestia had that long thing, but I thought that was because she put it off for so long."

"Normal ponies do have heat cycles like that. Theirs are weaker, shorter, and more common. Celestia and I enter estrus once a year. Over time, heat cycles have changed. When we were born, what we go through was normal. There was a time when ponies had a single estrus season during the spring. Ponies back then were slaves to their bodies. Celestia and I can control ourselves, but it takes a force of will." She giggled slightly. "All of Equestria had to be shut down during estrus back then."

"That doesn't sound enjoyable. I know what it's like to be a stallion near a mare in heat. I bet it was worse back then."

"I'll keep that in mind… So, what do you say, Nav? Would you like to keep me company during my heat?"

I want to say yes, but… "How long does it last?"

"A week, usually. The entire time you were in the palace during the week of the wedding, Celestia was in heat. She cast the libido spell on you prior to her heat cycle because she knew it was coming and that the spell needed time to settle on you."

"What exactly would happen?"

She ran through it. I don't want to explain all of it because it's really no one's business but mine and I figured I could remember. I sighed at the end. "I'll help you through this, but I'll need the option to back out at any time. And you better not get pregnant."

She beamed and hugged me, pushing me back onto the bed a bit. "You won't regret it!"

I had a feeling I was going to regret it.

The next morning dawned bright and early. I was too busy being asleep to see it, though; I didn't get up until noon. Normally I wake up a lot earlier than that, but Luna had to put me back to sleep with magic so that really messed me up. I opened my window and let the sun shine through the leaves, invigorating me. Not for the first time, I smiled at the idea of a tree living inside of a tree.

I grabbed my crossbow, some bolts, my sword, and my knives. When I had them all attached, I went to get Spike. I found him in the kitchen, stirring a pot of something. "Spike, you ready to go kill something?"

His head shot to me so fast his neck popped. His eyes widened at the same time and he dropped the spoon, letting it drift to the bottom of the pot. "Buck yeah!" He snatched off his poofy pink apron—I wish I was joking—and ran up to me. Given that we were in the kitchen, he only had to run two steps. "When are we leaving?"

"As soon as you tell me whether or not you have any chores to do."

He looked around. I followed his gaze. The kitchen was a mess. He poked his head around me and I looked behind as well. The library was even worse of a mess. He stood up straight and looked up at me. "I'm good. Let's go."

I shrugged. "Cool. Come on." I led the way to the front door, where we bumped into Taya.

"Where are you two going?"

"Into the forest to hunt," I answered.

"Can I come?"

I shared a look with Spike before turning back to Taya. "Honey, you can't eat meat."

"So?"

"Well when you put it that way… Come on. But you aren't allowed to look if we kill something and start gutting it."

I led the way away from town. We didn't get halfway there before our little group got stopped by Rarity and Fluttershy, both of whom were glaring at me. I hummed a little ditty as I did my best to skirt around them. Given Rarity had magic and Fluttershy had wings—and she looked mad enough to use them against me—I didn't think my chances of getting away were that great.

"You made Pinkie cry," Rarity accused.

"She punched me in the face," I countered.

That stopped her for a second. Long enough for Fluttershy to get some words in. "And she told me why. I know violence doesn't solve anything, but somepony had to knock some sense into you!"

All four of us were shocked at what she said. I mean, Fluttershy promoting violence? That just doesn't happen. "Anyway…" I finally said, "I know I made Pinkie cry. I didn't enjoy doing it but I couldn't let her just get away with punching me in the face. I mean, what would either of you do if I hit you?"

They shared an uncomfortable look. Rarity looked back to me and said, "Fine, Navarone. I'll admit that I don't like the idea of a stallion hitting a lady… I suppose it's only fair that a lady hitting a stallion be treated just the same. So I assume she didn't tell you what she wanted to?"

"I don't think so. She didn't tell me anything that unusual for her, anyway. What was it?"

They shared another look. Fluttershy answered, "It's really not our place…"

I shrugged. "Fair enough. I'll see you two ladies later. Try to stay out of trouble."

"Where are you three going?" Rarity asked.

"On a walk," I answered. "I don't spend enough time with Taya and Spike needed to get out of the house for a while."

"Well, have fun you three. And Taya, remember what we talked about," Rarity said. They went on their way, leaving us free to continue walking.

After a few minutes, Spike asked, "What did Rarity talk to you about?"

"Nothing important," Taya answered.

"It's best to leave the business of ladies to the ladies, Spike," I said. "Doing otherwise tends to end poorly. Oh, and do you know if there's anything planned for the next few weeks?"

"Nightmare Night is the only thing I know of, Nav. Why?"

"I'm going to have to spend a week in Canterlot soon. I don't want to miss anything if I don't have to."

"Why do you have to go there?"

"Knight stuff. It shouldn't be hard, but I'll be busy for quite a while each day."

Taya spoke up with her usual quiet voice, "Can I come?"

"Sadly… Wait, you might be able to. But I'd have to leave you alone often. It would probably be pretty boring even when I was around. So you probably could come with me, but I don't think it would be a good idea." She answered me with just a sigh.

When we got to a good shooting range, I handed Spike the crossbow. "I've shown you how to shoot before, but it's been a while. Warm up a bit." I passed him the quiver and he loaded it. After a moment of looking around, he spotted something to use as a target. He raised the crossbow up—it was a bit big for him, but he had some good dragon strength going on. After a second of aiming, he took a shot. "Little to the left. Remember, this crossbow is better than the crappy one Twilight made for me. Unless there's some good wind, it'll go where you point it." He reloaded and shot again. He hit the target this time, though it wasn't a perfect shot. "Close enough to kill. Take a few more shots just in case." He did. All were good enough. "Alright. Taya, you interested in trying?"

She looked at the crossbow and then down to her hooves. She looked back up. "How would that work?"

I pulled a bolt out from the quiver. "Grip this with your magic. Shoot it down the field into the target. You shouldn't hold the bolt all the way there, as that would be too easy. You should release it when it has enough momentum so it'll fly true."

"…what?"

"Grab this with your magic and throw it at the target." She did so and missed. "To the right." She grabbed another one and threw it. "Left." She tried again and managed to actually hit the thing this time. "You hit it. Try a few more times." She managed to hit it several more times. When she was finished, the pumpkin was unrecognizable. "I think that's enough. Let's collect the ammo and get to the forest."

We walked downrange and grabbed the bolts. Thankfully, none of them had broken. Taya cleaned all the nastiness off them and I slipped them back into the case and passed the crossbow and quiver to Spike. "Spike, this is your hunt. You've eaten too much meat without knowing the feel of taking a life. I'll guide us through the forest, but you're taking the shot."

He looked at the crossbow with wonder in his eyes. After a moment he turned back to me. "This is so cool!"

I didn't much like the sound of that. "Spike, crossbows kill things. I know you were raised in Equestria, so let me explain this to you: When something dies, it no longer exists on this plane. You erase something from existence. If it had a family, that family is now missing a member. You might kill a father, a daughter, a baby, a friend… Killing isn't something to think as 'cool.' It is something that is necessary, yes. Something that is dark. And, God help me, something that is fun as hell at times. Load it now, but keep your hand away from the trigger. Just holster it until I tell you to pull it up. And only shoot when I tell you."

He looked a bit more grave after that, and nodded his assent. He awkwardly loaded the crossbow and slung it over a shoulder. It was a very loose fit, but I knew he wouldn't drop it.

"Now, while we're in the forest, you two need to follow behind me. Don't touch anything I don't touch. If I tell you to do something, you do it. If you must talk, whisper. Do not wander away for any reason and always keep me in sight. Now, are you both sure you want to do this?" They nodded. "Let's go."

Into the forest we went. I pointed out a few things to them as we walked. We stopped several times when I heard noises close by. I knew I was invisible to the forest, but Spike and Taya weren't. Most of the noises wandered away, not staying long enough to pose a possible threat. The few that did stay long turned out to be small animals, not worth shooting.

We continued like that for nearly two hours. I picked up some of the safer fruits and herbs and stored them away for Taya if we did manage to kill something.

At about the two and a half hour mark, we ran into something worth killing. I stopped our little group and crouched down. "Manticore ahead," I whispered. "I don't know why it hasn't picked up on our scent yet, but they don't hunt in packs. Spike, get ready. Aim for the chest," I said, tapping my chest to where he would want to shoot. "Or the head, if you think you can hit it." He nodded, gulping slightly. It's easy to talk about killing something, but when you actually have to up and do it? Yeah, that's when it gets hard.

I motioned our little group forward. We did our best to quietly ease ourselves up, and we thankfully managed to get a good sightline on the target. Spike slowly pulled the crossbow up and aimed it at the manticore. After nearly half a minute of aiming, he gently pulled the trigger.

A few things happened at once. First, the crossbow shot and spewed a bolt at the manticore, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully on a rock. Second, something large fell from the sky and landed atop the manticore, getting in the way of the bolt. Third, a loud squawk cut off the screams of the beast we were trying to kill. I ripped the crossbow from Spike's claws and reloaded as quickly as possible. Before the manticore could fully wake up he had a bolt sticking out of one of his eyes. It slid off the rock, dead.

The thing that jumped on top of it whirled to face us and I saw that it was a griffin. I dropped the crossbow and drew my sword. "Get behind me," I warned the others. I wouldn't have time to reload before she could get to me, even though she appeared to have a bolt sticking out of her wing. "Wait…" I lowered my sword. "Gilda?"

She relaxed a bit. "Yeah. Whose bright idea was it to shoot me with that nasty toy of yours?"

"Well, whose bright idea was it to try to steal our kill?"

"You three were just standing there! I figured if you weren't going to kill it, I would."

I shook my head and put the sword up. "Come here, let me see what the damage is." My group walked into the little clearing. Spike grabbed the crossbow as we walked. He reloaded it, thankfully. He then went to inspect the manticore. Taya watched Gilda warily.

Gilda held her wing up. "So that's what that thing does? Nasty. I imagine it gets the job done well, though."

"Ask him," I said with a gesture towards the dead manticore. I lightly gripped her wing and she flinched. "Relax. Let's see…" I probed the area around the bolt. "No bone here, good. Taya, come here." She stepped up. "Cut the bottom of the bolt off from this side," I said with a point. Her horn lit up and the bottom of the bolt separated, leaving just the tip sticking out. "Now, this is probably going to hurt like a bitch."

"What's a—" She cut off with a loud avian screech as I yanked the bolt out the rest of the way. Her wing shot out, knocking me back as she whirled toward me.

I held my hands up. "It had to come out, Gilda. Relax."

"Let's see you relax when something is ripping a wooden stick out of you!"

"I know it hurts. I got my ass kicked the other day by a griffin, so don't think I don't know it hurts. Taya, heal her up, would you?"

Taya's horn glowed and the small trickle of blood coming from the wound stopped. Gilda ruffled her feathers a bit. "That felt… odd. What do you mean, you got attacked by a griffin? Where?"

"In Gryphus." I told her the story as she preened a bit.

"That's strange, but I don't know much about politics. If I had known you were going to be in town I would have waited to come to Ponyville for another few weeks." She shrugged. "Oh well. So what do you want to do about the manticore?" Spike was still looking at it with an odd look.

"Carve it up and eat it. It was supposed to be Spike's first kill, but…" I shrugged. "If you find some dry wood I'll start cutting it up so we can cook some steaks."

"Have you ever eaten manticore before?" she asked, a bit of amusement in her voice.

"Nope. Now that I think about it… that poison might be a problem."

"You bet your feathers it is. If you eat the wrong parts of it, you'll get paralyzed for hours, even if you cook it first."

"Okay, _you _carve it. I'll take Taya to look for wood. Show Spike what to do and what not to do."

"You got it. And… thanks for sharing, Nav."

"Anything for a friend. Let's go, Taya."

We got back fifteen minutes later with enough wood for a decent sized fire. Gilda was using her talons to point out what can and can't be eaten to a very enthusiastic Spike. The manticore was laid open on the ground, many of the organs thrown lazily about. Taya surprisingly took it well enough; I figured she would get sick, as a pony.

We piled the wood up and Taya set them on fire. With a little redneck engineering, I built a crappy little spit that we could hopefully use to cook on. Taya shook her head sadly at my attempt. She disappeared with a pop and reappeared a minute later with some proper gear. "Thank you, Taya." She nodded. I set up the stuff and checked on the status of the manticore.

They were carving stuff out now. I passed Spike my knife so he could help better; his claws were sharp, but they couldn't cut like Gilda's talons. I started pulling fruits and whatnot out for Taya and myself. I showed her how to eat them and we pigged out while the meat started to cook.

"So Gilda, you know how to cook meat, right?"

"Of course. I've only been doing it all my life."

"Just making sure. It's been a long time since I had to. Long enough that I want to make sure someone knows what they're doing."

We all settled in around the fire. "It's good to have company out here in the forest," Gilda commented. "I've been hunting solo and eating alone since I got here."

"Yeah, the ponies don't take too kindly to meat eaters," I replied. I threw a rind into the fire. "Something I'm glad I didn't have to learn. Most don't know I can."

Spike spoke up, "Most don't even think about me eating meat. I'm a dragon, and all they see is little baby Spike, Twilight's harmless assistant." He sounded bitter.

Gilda grinned—you learn to tell griffin facial expressions when you spend a few weeks in their capital. "I know you're not a baby, man. That thing you shot at me hurt enough to confirm that."

Spike smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't know you were coming."

"Ah, no big. I probably would have got hurt worse killing this thing if you guys hadn't finally made yourselves known."

"Woulda been one hell of a fight," I said, watching the meat pop in the fire. Taya was doing her best to try not to look at it, and was holding her nose away from the fire. "Smells good, at least."

"Manticore doesn't have the best taste," Gilda said, "But it is filling and there's a lot of it. A single griffin can survive off a manticore for a week if they have to, and have a way of keeping the meat good."

"Salt would do it," I said. "Salt or a freezer."

She nodded. "Salt works well, but it's not something you're likely to have on the go. Here, let me show you how to make some jerky. That stuff'll last you forever." She led Spike back over to the corpse. She pointed some more stuff out that I heard but don't want to write. She let Spike cut some more meat out. When they had enough, she led him back to the fire. "Now, this meat has to be dried but not cooked. To do that, we'll poke a hole in it, run string through each slice, and hang them over the fire. If the string starts melting or burning, it's too close to the fire." She picked up two long sticks and pulled a string out of… somewhere. She strung the thin slices of meat up and tied them to the sticks. She then stuck the sticks in the ground, letting the meat dangle over the fire. "There you have it."

Spike turned to me. "Now why didn't the cats teach us this?"

"Because they got all their food from looting. Meat looks done, Gilda."

She took a look at it. "Yeah, if you like it medium. I prefer it well-done when it's not rare."

"Well, call me uncivilized if you want." I pulled one of the steaks to me with my knife and held it away so it could cool a bit.

Gilda smirked at that. "What, not going to eat it right away?"

"My hands are more sensitive than your talons. If I touch this I'll get burned. Same for my mouth."

"Wuss."

"Forgive me for knowing my limits. I'm not exactly masochistic."

"Yeah, yeah. You can keep your uncooked swill. Me and Spike'll keep the good stuff for ourselves." Spike actually looked like he was tempted to grab a piece for himself, but decided against it when Gilda said that.

A few minutes later, I deemed the steak cool enough to safely handle and eat. I took a small bite and nodded at the taste. "Could use some seasoning, but it's good."

Gilda shrugged. "There's only so much you can do out here, and I'm no chef myself. I'm sure you had some good food up in Gryphus, though."

"Oh God yes. The chefs up there know how to make a fucking steak, even if it was reindeer." They were actually better than some of the ones I had back on Earth. Or maybe my memory is just corrupted a bit. I continued chowing down on the steak.

"Can… can I try a piece?" Taya asked in a very quiet voice. Gilda, Spike, and I all looked up at her, shocked.

"Uh. No," I said. "I'm not giving meat to a pony. That would probably make you sick and taste terrible."

"Come on, Nav. What's the worst that could happen?" Gilda asked.

"Her getting sick, as I said. I won't risk it. Besides, if you can't stand the smell you definitely won't be able to stand the taste. I told you what we would be doing out here and that you probably wouldn't like it."

She sighed and laid back down. I looked to Gilda and we shrugged. I continued eating the steak. Gilda finally reached over and pulled hers off the fire. Spike copied her with another one. They began chowing down immediately, somehow not getting burned. I guess having a beak and being a dragon means you don't have to worry about mouth burns.

Gilda didn't take much time, what with her massive beak. She was working on a second piece before Spike was halfway done with his first. I stopped after one; I wasn't that hungry to begin with, and the fruits I ate before the meat didn't help.

Gilda looked at me while she was finishing off the second steak. "You not eating much? I know you like eating a lot of tender meat."

I raised an eyebrow. "Not in front of Taya. Besides, I have a girlfriend now. Er, special somepony, whatever."

Spike coughed out a wad of chewed meat. "W-w-what?" he coughed, hoarse.

I waved a hand. "Not important."

"So why can Spike hear it, but not me?" Taya asked.

"Because he's olde—well, I _think _he's older than you. No one ever tells me how old you guys are, and everyone ignores me when I asked."

Gilda looked at me like I was stupid. "It's pretty obvious, Nav. Taya is—"

She was cut off by a roar from the forest. I snatched my loaded crossbow up and stood, aiming in the direction of the noise. "Gilda, carry Spike out. Taya, teleport home. I'll cover Gilda and Spike. Move."

"What is it, Nav?" Spike asked, standing and looking about him in fear. Gilda was already throwing dirt into the fire, hurrying to make sure the forest didn't get burned down.

"Hydra. Leave it, Gilda! It's too close as it is! Taya, why are you still here?"

Gilda grabbed Spike and leapt into the air just as the hydra pounded out, its four heads writhing and hissing. Its heads all pointed at Taya, who thankfully had the presence of mind to not argue and just teleport out.

Leaving me alone with the beast. Its eyes turned to track Gilda, but she was too far gone. Lacking another target, it turned to the carcass of the manticore. It tore into it, each head trying to get the most.

I waved Gilda out of the forest, hoping she wouldn't try to stop and ask me what the hell just happened. I grabbed the jerky strings and then started jogging out, hoping I remembered enough to get me home in one piece. I don't know why flying didn't occur to me.

I made it out easily enough, thankfully. Gilda and Spike followed my progress from above, occasionally swooping down as Gilda spotted some small game or something that she presumably had Spike gut and roast with his fire. Griffins are pretty big, and require a lot more food than I do. And meat gives less energy than plants, so they require more food than ponies. She had Spike feeding her as she flew, hunting for more targets for them to share.

It took me about an hour to jog out. I lost sight of Gilda several times, but I don't know if she was diving all those times. They joined me on the ground as I started walking back to Ponyville.

"That was fun, you two," Gilda said. "With Nav here scaring all the animals into moving, I was able to catch them easily. And with Spike there to clean and cook them, we had them ready to eat in no time. We'll definitely have to hunt again sometime." She held a talon down to Spike for a bro-claw or whatever it was called in that situation. Either way, he met it and the bro-whatever was complete.

"I'm sure Spike'll be down for hunting whenever you're in town. I might be busy, but I might also not be. Never know until it's time to go, usually." I doled out the jerky and they gave grateful nods.

Gilda looked Spike up and down as he chewed on some dry meat. "I'll have to show you how to hunt like a proper predator, then. None of that pansy shooting things from a distance." She poked me with a talon. "That's for wimps like this guy."

"What, so since I like not getting mauled by a manticore I'm a wimp?"

She rolled her eyes. "So how _did _you escape from that hydra, anyway? It was like he didn't even see you!"

"I'm invisible to most creatures that can't talk. Only a few smarter ones can see me. I can walk right through that forest and make it through unscathed."

She smirked. "So that's how a squishy fellow like you explored that place. You find anything cool in there?"

"Eh, you know how it goes. All sorts of plants, weird critters, ancient ruins full of treasure and enchanted artifacts, a few random abandoned buildings, all kinds of fruit and whatnot. The usual."

"Yeah, I know all abou—wait, what was that about treasure?"

"Oh, the princesses cleared all that out. Added quite a bit to their coffers, too."

She sighed. "Wouldn't mind bringing back some gold…"

"From what I heard up there, you're a noble's daughter anyway. Why would you need money?"

"I got bills to pay, same as anypony else." She shrugged. "Ain't nothing in this world's for free." I grinned. "What are you smiling about?"

"That was a song back in my world. I guess it fits even in magical pony land."

She ruffled her feathers a bit. "Magical. Right. Well, I need to get back to where I'm staying. Don't want to worry Dash too much, if she's even there. I'll probably be out hunting again tomorrow, if you're interested."

"We might be. See you," I answered.

Spike nodded. "Bye, Gilda." With that, she took off. Spike turned to me. "Does she seem a lot cooler now?"

"That's because you're giving her a chance. And because you shot her and she didn't kill you. Let me tell you, she's a monster in bed."

Spike tripped a bit. "Y-y-you've slept with her?"

"Yeah. Well, it was a three-some, but still yes." He just shook his head as we continued into town. "Wait… Spike, we should probably wash the blood off before anyone sees us like this."

He looked down at his claws. There wasn't much blood left, but it was still noticeable. "Yeah, we should. Good thing there's a creek near here."

A creek that was currently occupied by a singing Fluttershy. We shared a glance. He shook his head. I jerked my head to the water. He sighed and we continued, both of us kneeling at the water's edge.

"Oh, hello you t—" She caught site of the blood and her eyes went wide. "Oh, are you two okay? You aren't hurt, are you?" She flew up at us while she was talking, examining each of us.

"We're fine, Fluttershy. W—"

Her eyes went even wider and she squeaked. "What about Taya?! She's not with you! Oh, is she okay?"

"She's fine, Fluttershy. We were hunting, that's all. I sent her home so she didn't have to see anything nasty. She teleported out."

Fluttershy went a bit pale. "Um. Oh. O-okay. You didn't… I mean… you didn't make any of them suffer, did you?"

"Quick and clean, Fluttershy. That's how I work. It didn't know it was under attack at all."

She sighed. "Well, at least you three are okay. Oh, you didn't hurt any of my friends, did you?"

Spike and I looked at each other. We turned back to Fluttershy and shrugged. How were we supposed to tell which animal was one of hers?

She gulped and whispered, "I think I'll go check on my animals." She flew off, leaving me and Spike to clean ourselves.

As we continued back to Ponyville, I commented, "We could probably blame Gilda if any of her critters turn up missing."

"That's wrong, Nav."

"I know. I wasn't actually going to do it. I mean, I'm not a good person but I'm also not a jerk."

We had little fanfare upon entering the town. The ponies were all used to me by now, and were used to me coming and going as well. A group of ponies was singing a happy song somewhere else in the town, and we could hear the music and lyrics ringing through the streets as we walked to the library.

The song was getting ominously close by the time we got to the library. Thankfully, Twilight has some pretty strong spells protecting her pad, so we didn't have to worry about getting caught in the song.

Taya was there waiting for us, sitting morosely on the floor. She perked up immediately when she saw me safe and sound. She stood to her feet when I got yanked off mine by purple magic. "Twilight, so lovely to see you." She pulled me right up to her face so she could look me in the eye. She forgot to restrict my arms, and I reached out and booped her on the nose. She dropped me, startled. I barely managed to catch myself. "You know you don't have to magic me over if you want a closer look. I understand that my appearance is so appealing that you just have to get me closer." I know I was digging my grave deeper, but the look on her face was just so wo—_Wait, is she blushing?_

"You made Pinkie cry!" _Nope, that's anger._ "And you took Spike _and _Taya without telling me and almost got them both hurt!" _Dammit, Taya._

"Now that might be exaggerating a bit. They weren't in any danger."

"THERE WAS A HYDRA!"

"I had it under control. You know I've spent plenty of time in that forest. I know how it works."

"Relax, Twilight!" Spike said, coming to my defense. "With him and Gilda there, we didn't have to worry about a thing."

That might have been the wrong thing to say. "And what was _Gilda _doing there?" she practically hissed.

"Same thing we were," I said. "Hunting."

Twilight jerked back. "You took Taya hunting?"

"Yeah. I told her what was going to happen but she wanted to go anyway."

Her left eye twitched. "You're a terrible father," she whispered. I just shrugged. I mean, what more did she want? I've been telling them that since the beginning. Ain't my fault it took them so long to figure out.

Taya, however, had a different reaction. She said, "No he's not! What would you even know about being a parent?"

"I know a good parent doesn't let their foal eat something that could kill them!"

"I didn't let her have meat," I answered.

Twilight looked a bit taken aback. Before she could reply, Taya said, "No, he didn't. I asked and he refused to let me have any."

Twilight was getting a bit flustered. She said, "A good parent doesn't take their foals somewhere they might get hurt."

"Bullshit. There ain't nowhere in the world someone can't get hurt. You just have to do your best to make sure they're as safe as possible in the places you do bring them."

"And you thought the _Everfree Forest _would be a safe place to bring her?"

"He took all the precautions he could!" Taya said. "If anything happened, he was going to fly Spike out and I was going to teleport out." Not entirely true, but I wasn't planning on denying it since that made me look better than what I was going to say.

"But… But a good parent doesn't take their foals away from school without telling the teacher!"

I crossed my arms. She was beaten and she knew it. "It's Saturday, Twilight."

She made a very aggravated noise. "You still made Pinkie cry! And just as she was going to tell you sh—" She cut off, holding a hoof to her mouth.

I raised an eyebrow, but didn't comment on her near-slip. "Pinkie punched me in the face. I felt it prudent to punish her."

"Not _that_! What you said to her, to forget you! And how… how everypony you let in just ends up hurting you…" The anger from her voice was fading. "That's not true, Nav."

"I guess that depends on what kind of pain we're talking about. Physical pain, it most definitely is true. Emotional pain? Then I may have been exaggerating. Taya here has yet to do anything to hurt me." Taya smiled at me for that. "Hell, there are a few ponies and," with a glance at Spike, "dragons that haven't hurt me yet. But you? Yeah, you hurt me. Pinkie's done plenty of damage herself, more than most have. You shouldn't tell me something is or isn't true without all the details, Twilight."

"Oh, and what has Pinkie ever done to hurt you?"

"I already told you but you didn't believe me."

She blinked. "Do you mean… what you said before you started exploring the forest?"

"Yes. You thought I was joking or maybe lying. I wasn't."

She seemed to pale. "That's… that's not… no… Why didn't you tell anypony?"

"Who would believe me? At the time I didn't know it was possible to read memories. Now? Well, now I've been through worse. Well, not really _worse_, but more physically painful. Their betrayal still stings and it probably always will."

"What are you two talking about?" Taya asked.

"Nothing," I answered. "Don't worry about it."

She stomped a hoof down. "It isn't nothing! They did something to hurt you and they need to be punished!"

"No, they don't. I'm pretty sure they both learned their lessons."

She looked ready to retort again, but Twilight spoke up. "She's right, Nav. That isn't something that can ever be forgiven. Celestia should be told."

"No."

"Nav, the kind of pony that could do that to somepony… they shouldn't be allowed to walk free! I don't know if… I don't know if I can keep being friends with them for doing that to you…"

"Twilight, look at me." She lifted her gaze from where it had rested on the floor. "Nothing changed. This happened a few years ago. Have you noticed a difference in either of their behaviors?" She slowly shook her head. "They both know what they did was wrong. They thought they were helping me. It was a mistaken thought, but that's what it was. They've apologized and we've all moved on. Let sleeping dogs lie."

"Nav… I'm so, so sorry. I didn't… I always wondered why you changed so much… Why you seemed to flinch whenever Rarity or Pinkie entered the room… I just didn't… didn't expect _that_!"

"Neither did I. I need you three to promise nothing will come from this. I don't want to ruin their lives over a foolish mistake in the past."

Twilight and Spike nodded. Taya was hesitant, but after a long shared look between the two of us she slowly nodded.

"Good. Now, I have another important announcement that I need the three of you to keep secret. I'm only telling you so you'll understand some things if they end up happening. Can I trust you three?" This time their nods came faster. "I'm dating Princess Luna." Twilight gasped. Spike shrugged. Taya rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know you three don't really care, but there are going to be some consequences and I just figured it would be fair to warn you just in case."

"Nav, this is big! You can't just keep this a secret!" Twilight said, her voice full of fear for some reason.

"Yes I can and yes we will. You three agreed. This does not need to spread beyond this room. I know two of you understand the reasoning already and Spike doesn't care enough to have it explained." He shrugged again.

"But what about—" Twilight started before cutting off again.

"Celestia, you mean?" She didn't answer. "Well, that was always more of a friends with benefits type thing. Looks like I'm stuck to one girl—mare—for now. Not that it's a bad thing; magic has all kinds of interesting possibilities." Twilight just sighed, shaking her head. "Don't know what you're so upset about." Again, she didn't answer. "Eh, whatever. That's all the announcements I have. Imma go put these weapons up and go for a walk." I did just that. Taya came with me. It was a nice day.

A few days later I woke up being cuddled by Pinkie. I only wish I was joking.

I was pretty well stuck, which was fixed by blowing her ear until she jerked awake. She woke up smiling until she saw my glare. "Why are you in my bed?" I demanded

Her smile actually widened. "I'm not in your bed. You're in my bed, silly!"

_What_. I looked around to find that yes, I actually was in her bed. "Well, you're the one explaining this to Luna. Now let me go."

"Why would I have to explain anything to Princess Luna?"

"Because given my past, I don't think my special somepony would be happy to find me in bed with another mare."

Her entire body seemed to sag and her hair just flattened. "S-s-s-special somepony?" she whispered.

"Yes. Now can you let me go?" Her legs slowly pulled away from me. I stood and straightened my clothes and ruffled my wings. "Thank you. Now, I forgive you for punching me in the face. I understand I was pissing you off, and I suppose some might consider it justified. Just remember that you're a lot stronger than I am and can hurt me a lot easier when it comes to punching." She didn't answer. It looked like she might start crying any moment now. "Now, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone—or anypony—about me and Luna. We're keeping it a secret for now." She just weakly nodded. She hadn't even sat up yet. "I'll see you later, Pinkie."

I left her there. _Well, looks like she did have a crush on me._ _It's for the best_. I made my way out of Sugarcube Corner, which was already open at that point. I got a few odd looks as I walked down the stairs, but everyone knew Pinkie lived up there and that she was often the cause of strange things. Honestly, I just wondered how she got me to her room in the first place. Some things just aren't worth asking about, though.

As soon as I got outside, I realized how heartless what I just did was. I almost turned back to go inside to comfort her, but realized that would probably do more damage than it would good. I sighed and went to go get Rarity. She would know what to do.

I wandered off to her shop. Thankfully, it was pretty close. There was a wagon outside, with a few changelings standing around, just chilling. They stood to attention when I got near. "Dropping off more gems?" They nodded. "Is Rarity here?" They nodded again. "Well, why isn't she out here?" They shrugged. _Fucking drones._

I knocked on the door. I heard Rarity's voice call, "Coming!" A moment later the door opened. She saw me, the wagon, and then the changelings. Her gaze turned back to me. "What brings you here so early, Nav?"

"You need to go talk to Pinkie. Like, right now."

Her face sank. "Oh Nav, what have you done?"

"What I had to. I'll take care of the changelings, if you need me to."

"No, no. They know where to put the shipment." She turned to them. "Hop to it, boys!" They shot back to attention and wheeled the wagon around back. She turned back to me. "Is Pinkie at her home?"

"Yeah. I hate that it had to be this way, but…" I shrugged.

"I understand. I hate it too, but I understand. At least she'll have somepony to talk to. Thank you for telling me."

"No problem. Good luck, Rarity."

She stepped out of her shop and closed the door behind her. She traced my steps back to Sugarcube Corner while I went on to the library.

Life in Ponyland is weird. Why would Pinkie even have a crush on me? I mean, I'm a dick, for the most part. Why would anyone care for me like that?


	50. Chapter Forty-Eight

Chapter Forty-Eight—Estrus

I feel like this is a survivor's log. I've been tortured by a lust-filled sadist and it was easier than this. Before this event, I saw Celestia during her Estrus. It wasn't all that bad, honestly. I even helped her one day.

Ha. One day. If what happened with Luna was anything like what Celestia was feeling, then I'm surprised she was able to only stop at one day. But then, I suppose Luna had a bit of frustration to work out. After all, she had been on the moon for a thousand years without any way of blocking her Estrus. So I suppose what happened to me was one thousand years of pent up anger, lust, and raw deprivations.

(A lot of this chapter is clop. Some of it isn't. ctrl+f "Sex is over" to skip the majority of this chapter)

Luna's Estrus—day one

I had been giving ample warning by Luna on when it was slated to begin. I don't know how she was so sure. I guess it was just something she _knew_.

I arrived in the castle the morning of the day it was supposed to start. I had just woken up and Luna was about to go to bed. She just teleported me there so she could, and I quote, "Use you as soon as I need you." That sent a yellow flag up.

Anyway, she left me and Celestia at the breakfast table. "So… what can I expect?" I asked Celestia.

She giggled. "It won't matter. You can try to prepare for it all you want, but this just isn't something you can really fight. There were husbands back in the day that would go on vacations when their wife went into Estrus, and no pony thought little of them for it. Luna and I have more control than most ponies, as we have lived a lot longer, but this will be Luna's first time experiencing her Estrus since she… got back. And she never gave in to it anyway. You're in for one wild week. I'll try to keep her busy a bit to give you breaks. And remember to drink plenty of fluids. Make sure she does the same."

"So there's nothing you can tell me about how she'll act?"

"Not really. Well actually… I'll come by to check on you when I can, if you can't come to see me. She might be… reluctant… to let you leave, even if you ask her to." That's not a comforting thought.

"She wouldn't actually do that, would she?"

"Normally, no. But with the way her mind will be?" She shrugged. "I honestly couldn't say. I know I had a hard time letting the last one to help me with my estrus go."

"That's just because you hit me with a very strong spell to increase libido in me and the mares around me." And I still don't know how it affected those around me. I'm glad I can't remember some of that week.

After a day spent doing pretty much nothing but relaxing around the palace and writing, I found myself teleported directly to Luna's room. I would have been there to greet her when she woke up, but I didn't know when she did and I figured that would be kind of creepy.

Of course, thoughts of what was creepy and wasn't rather quickly disappeared when I saw her room. "Is that a rack?" I asked.

"Something like that. Take your clothes off."

I began removing stuff. "So what exactly am I in for this week?"

"Sex. A lot of it. And I will be in control this time."

"Fair enough, since I don't know exactly what you need. Don't get too unreasonable and respect my limits and I'll have no problems."

She grinned at that. "Yes, your… 'limits.' I remember our talks." After that night with the stones, Luna and I had a lengthy discussion about what would and would not be allowed. Mainly, if I was a guy all holes were exit only. Also prominent was that I never wanted to see those fucking stones used in sex again. Everything else, I said, was to be asked before tried. The 'lengthy' part of that conversation was the sex wherein she asked about several things. I think I enjoyed that part the most. "Yes, I remember them. Maybe my sister told you something about mares in our time that went into estrus. About how their husbands—if they had one, of course—often left town when their heat started. Maybe she mentioned _why _they left town." Her grin turned dark and I had time to look worried before I was slammed into the wall. "There are no limits for a mare in heat." She changed into Nightmare Moon. "And I've had a long, _long _time to build this up."

It was at this point that I started thinking that I fucked up. "Uh, Luna? I'm not… I don't like this."

"That's a shame," she answered. The last of my clothes were pulled off and I felt myself ponified.

"Luna, I make it a very serious point to not get romantically involved with rapists. You can continue this if you want, but note that we're through if you do." Sure, I fucked Kat, but there was no romance there. I also fucked Rarity and Pinkie both after their rape, but there was no romance involved in either of those either.

"Nav, I _need _this burning quenched! You can't possibly understand what this feels like." She sounded desperate now, almost remorseful. She used her magic to pull me forward and kiss me, forcing her tongue into my mouth. I felt something gently stroke my sheath, getting the tip of my stallionhood to pop out. "If you just let me remove this enchantment on you, you'll never even remember what happened," she finally said when she pulled back.

"Enchantment? What?"

"I'm a mare in heat. I emit pheromones. All male ponies that are nearby can smell them in the air."

"Oh, that enchantment. I don't like the idea of being mindless for any length of time. Can't you just settle for fucking me and leaving all the weird shit at the door?"

I felt magic lifting me again. It set me on my back on the table and forced my legs out. "I thought about it," she said. "I really did. And tonight, that's just what I'll do. I want to get you used to it, after all."

"You never really get used to be raped. So what's with the Nightmare Moon getup?"

She looked down at herself for some reason. I mean, when a pony looks down at itself, there really isn't much they can see. She'd have been better off looking behind her. She looked up, blushing. "It… happens sometimes. When I'm considering something I know is wrong. I promise, if I do anything to make you uncomfortable this week, you can do whatever you want to me later."

"Luna, there's nothing I want to do with you that you wouldn't also enjoy. I have no desire to ever hurt you. That's not what people in love do to each other." Or at least, I don't think they do. It's hard to know, never having been successfully in love before.

With that, she shifted back to Luna's body. "I love you so much, Nav," she whispered as the chains around my legs tightened down, sealing me to the rack. She walked over and nuzzled me warmly. "I don't want to hurt you either. It's just… I have this _need _inside of me! I will try to keep tame." Her eyes flicked to the chains for a second. "Well, within reasonable limits. Now, I need you inside of me. And later we need to work on your assertiveness."

"Assertiveness gets you only so far when your girlfriend is one of the most powerful entities on the planet." While I was saying that, she hopped up on the table and was stroking my wings with her magic. She wasted little time hitting the pleasure nodes, getting me hard very quickly. "Next time, we're using the bed. You can tie me down if you want but I don't like getting fucked on a table."

"Less talk, more bucking." She punctuated that by lowering herself on me with a low moan. "Ooooohhh, I needed this," she whispered as she grinded a bit. When she found a good spot, she started pumping. I wish I could do more to participate, but humping while tied to a table and in a pony body is impossible. If I was in a bed I could do something.

So, given nothing to do, I just sat back to enjoy the ride. There was little in the way of enjoyment that I could do, though, given how fast she was going. She was constantly feeding magic into herself to replenish her energy so she could keep up an insane pace.

I was pretty close to falling asleep at the half hour mark, honestly. Sure, it felt good, but with the tree thing and with the circumcision, the only way I could really cum is if I let myself. And from the look of Luna, she was still ready to keep going for a long, long time.

At the hour mark she came for the eleventh time. I got quite a bit out of her orgasms, with the way she convulsed and squeezed me. And the noises she made were always cute enough to get me to smile.

At the hour and a half mark she came for the seventeenth time—she really got going for that last fifteen minutes. "H-h-how are y-y-you still g-g-g-g-gOOOHing?" she panted, finally reduced to grinding.

"Circumcision as a human cut off most of my feelings as a pony. The damn thing Celestia did to me took care of most of what I had left. I only find a release if I let myself. Or if my lover is very skilled, I can find myself surprised." Like Pinkie and Celestia.

"Or… if you were a mare," she said, pumping more magic into herself.

"Not interested. Just let me know when you're getting close to done and I'll start concentrating on cumming."

"You're going to enjoy this!" I felt magic rubbing my wings again, pushing in the sensitive spots. Then I felt her start to actually squeeze me from inside her. She began pumping, actually going slow this time. I heard a loud whistle and felt a sting against my flank as something magic slammed into it.

"What the fuck was that?"

"A… love spank?" she said, stopping for a moment.

"Yeah, don't do that." She sighed and started up again, slowly riding me and letting me actually feel something. After a moment I felt magic tendrils gently probe at a hole that I told her to not ever touch. "And don't do that either!" Thankfully, the probes pulled away. I heard her grinding her teeth, though. _Here's hoping she isn't also hormonal._

She leaned down and kissed me, still slowly riding me. She let my tongue explore her mouth, and the occasional moan told me that she was still having fun. I saw her horn glow again and felt something inside me stroked. My entire body jerked. _I recognize that feel!_ I tried pulling away from her to tell her to stop her shit, but she didn't let me escape. She fought to keep her place on top of me and finally thrust her tongue into my mouth as I felt my body shrinking. She continued stroking my prostate as she rode me.

At that point, I didn't take long to reach my limit. No one would, with something like _that _happening to them. I felt a twitch and then I came, filling Luna and making her give off a loud moan into my mouth. She continued holding my mouth hostage until I started getting flaccid. She also continued stroking my prostate.

She pulled away with a smile until she saw the look on my face. I was pretty sure it was a mix between fear and ecstasy. "What's wrong?"

"Never do that again," I whispered, feeling myself shudder.

"I know it felt good! I could feel you react!"

"Twilight… she did that to me while she was infected with love poison. It terrifies me. I'd rather… I'd rather not get any release at all than get it like that!"

I jumped in surprise as I heard an insanely loud crack through the chamber. I saw both of her forehooves ground into the table, my head between them. "I WILL NOT HAVE ANOTHER THING RUINED BY ONE OF YOUR HARLOTS!" The chains around me disintegrated and I was ripped off the table and hung suspended in the air. For a second the only sounds in the room were the drips of liquid falling from my belly and both of our deep breathing. "This is for your own good," she finally intoned, voice expressionless.

The door slammed open and Celestia walked in, glaring at her sister. "Stop it, Luna!" she commanded.

"This is between me and him! Back off!"

"And _he _is terrified! Look at him!"

Luna swung her head to look at me. My eyes were about as wide as I could get them and I was straining to get away from her. People who say 'this is for your own good' usually intend to do something to you that isn't at all for your own good. "Nav…" She swung back to Celestia. "You don't understand. I need to help him!"

"I understand perfectly. Once again you are not content with what you have. You want more, rather than being happy that you have what you have. You've walked this road before, Luna. Do not walk it again."

"That was different! I was being selfish, I cared for the feelings of none but my own. Now I'm trying to help him!"

"And yet he's afraid. Terrified. You didn't even think about his feelings. Or the feelings of his friends, those that know _Navarone_, not whatever you would make him. You thought only of yourself, of how to make him better for you."

And the silence returned again. After nearly a minute I fell a few feet to the floor and hit my tailbone with a loud crunch. "Dammit, that's gonna leave a bruise," I mumbled. And then I heard Luna start to sob as she sank to her knees. I sighed as I popped my neck. That done, I turned to Celestia. "Go ahead and turn me back." Her horn lit up and I found myself growing taller. I rolled my shoulders when I was normal. "Go on back to bed. I got this." She nodded once and teleported out. Fucking voyeur. She was probably watching the whole time. _Thank God for it, too_. I knelt down and wrapped Luna in my arms, rocking her gently.

_Why am I still here? Luna just threatened to do… something to me. No one would judge me if I walked out that door and never looked back._

Though maybe that's what love is.

I held her for half an hour, just weakly whispering soothing sounds, not even trying to form words. When she finally stopped crying, I heard her whisper, "Go away."

"No."

"She was right. I don't deserve you."

"First, that's not what she said. Second, we both have problems that we need to work out." That magic control is one of them. Every time it's used against me I hate it more and more.

"How… how can you still even like me?"

"I love you. You were going to do something wrong, but you stopped. Doesn't matter why."

"I can't… I can't do this right now." Her horn lit up like a firecracker and the alicorn in my arms disappeared. I sighed, standing up. I went to the bathroom and took a short shower. Seeing nothing else to do, and since I hadn't been given a room of my own, I just laid down on her bed and let exhaustion take me.

I woke up being cradled against Luna's chest. "If you were a human this would be so much nicer," I mumbled.

"I can… I can do human for you!" She sounded desperate, like she was close to tears again.

"No, no," I said, feeling considerably more awake when I heard her tone. "I'm… where are we?"

She smiled sadly. "The moon. I… It calms me." She pulled me in closer with her wings. "I'm so sorry…"

"And I'm sorry I got to you broken. I can't promise anything, but I will… try to get better."

"You have nothing to promise about! I'm the one who… the one who needs to get better. I have to learn to respect your boundaries."

"I love you, Luna. There should be no boundaries between us. You can do whatever you want to me this week. Just… please be gentle."

She shook her head. "No, Navarone. You gave me your trust, your love. I refuse to abuse it. Mares… we get temperamental during estrus. We have spikes of jealousy. Be careful mentioning your… past affairs with me. During this week, at least. Later, we can discuss what they did and didn't do for you."

God, that's going to be a terrible conversation. 'So, what was your first time like?' 'I got raped by two friends that I trusted too much.' '…'

"How about this: There are six days left in estrus. You get three, I get three. No complaints from either side. We both go slow. We both explore. If we like what we find, good. If not, we never do it again. And first things first, we find a way to block your fucking voyeur sister."

She mumbled something that I assumed was assent.

"Now, how about we get off the moon?" I asked. She sighed and we teleported back down to her bedroom.

"I'm hungry," she said after a minute of just holding me.

"Well, let's go get food." That's when I saw the look on her face. She was giving me bedroom eyes. I found myself stretched out again, held down by magic.

"It's a good thing you never put your clothes back on…" she said before taking my length in her mouth.

"Luna, you doooooon't have to do this." She didn't say anything. It would have been hard to, with her mouth full. Or at least, with her mouth partially full. Fucking human anatomy.

I wasn't trying to prolong this for her, so I felt myself nearing my peak about ten minutes in. Her tongue was doing everything it could to get me there, too. She spent a lot of time circling my head and running up and down my member, trying to coax out my lust.

She finally got what she was looking for. I gasped and forced out, "I'm about to—" She moaned deeply, vibrating against me and finally getting me to lose it. I exploded down her throat. I saw a smile as she let it all slide down.

She pulled away. "Since we're being all honest and stuff, next time touch me some. Rub my ears. Play with my mane. Control me a bit with your hands."

"I would have, but you were kind of holding me still with magic. You still are, actually."

She blushed a bit and the magic holding me in place disappeared. "Let's go get lunch, then," she said. "When we get back we can… continue."

And thus day one ended with more boring old—yeah right—sex. All things told, I preferred that day.

Day Two

This was the first time I ever woke up holding someone I actually cared about. Even if her hair was brushing against me and constantly tickling my nose. And even if she was a horse. It was still nice and I actually regretted getting out of bed.

She tried to have sex with me in the shower before I explained why that would be a bad idea and no fun for anyone. Then she tried to have sex with me before we left for breakfast and I had to explain that we would miss breakfast because she sure wouldn't stop once she got started.

So all in all, Luna was a little bit grumpy when we finally made it down to the dining hall. I knew I would probably end up regretting that.

Thankfully, Celestia didn't bring up the whole Luna almost something me thing. I never asked Luna what she was going to do and I really don't want to know. I figured I would have a harder time forgiving her if I understood what was at risk.

Less thankfully, Luna rushed us out of breakfast very quickly. I had already decided to let her have first go, since I had a plan of sorts for the last day. Of course, I had a plan for _only _the last day, so I still needed to come up with things to do to her. I was hoping to have time to think during whatever she had planned for me."

She made me wait in the anteroom for ten minutes. When she finally dragged me inside with a big smile on her face, I know I was in for hell.

I looked at the device on the table. "Is that a fucking sybian?" I asked.

"How did you know? Do they have something like it where you come from?"

"Yeah. So you're going to be strapped in that?"

I did not like her smile. I did not like her smile at all. And when she pulled out the stones, I knew I was really, really in for hell.

"That's it, I'm throwing those things in the ocean." My voice changed in the middle of that, when I got hit by the pink one.

"Oh, but they're so much fun! You make such a gorgeous mare…" And with that, my clothes were pulled off and I became one.

I hate being a mare so much. It feels so different from being a stallion for some reason. Like, one change about me is bad enough. Changing my gender and my species is just hell.

But I said no complaints. I'm an idiot, apparently.

"So how exactly are you going to get off to watching me get tortured on this thing?" I asked.

"About that. Celestia decided to be a jerk and give me loads of work today. So you're going to be here. Alone. On this thing." She smiled. "And you're going to be wearing my own special collar."

"And what does that do, exactly?"

Her smile turned dark. "You won't be able to find release." I felt my ears droop. She chuckled at that. "It'll only be for a few… oh, hours, probably. I do have a _lot _of paperwork. I had something else planned, but then you so thoughtfully put that stipulation out yesterday… Well, I'd have to be a fool not to use it!" I hate myself so much right now it hurts. I could feel my tail curling underneath my body. Hell, my feet even involuntarily started shuffling backwards, away from her and her evil machine. She saw that and her horn lit up, lifting me. "Now Nav, don't be like that. It was your idea, after all."

I sighed. "Keep it on low," I whispered as she sat me down on the device. She strapped my legs in somehow so I couldn't move.

"No promises." I flinched as I felt something large and unwelcome slowly slide into me. Apparently she had lubed the machine up already. And thankfully, she didn't have any kind of anal attachment on this thing. Then she flicked a switch and I felt something smaller and even more unwelcome prodding against my back hole. She saw my widened eyes and pulled me in a hug. "Just relax," she whispered. I felt the thing slowly slide in, squeezing past the fear-induced clenching. "Now, it doesn't hurt, does it?"

"Not physically," I quietly answered. It did hurt me a bit that Luna would do this to me, knowing my aversion for it. Sure, I said anything goes, but I honestly wasn't expecting her to do something she knew I hated.

"Good enough." She pushed a button and I jerked as the machine started vibrating. "Magic can do all kinds of fun things," she idly commented as she pushed more buttons. I felt something settle against my clitoris and start vibrating as well. Then the rod up my bum joined the frenzy, buzzing as well. "Oh, almost forgot the most important part!" Her horn lit up and a collar floated its way over to me and wrapped around my neck. "Now, only I can take this thing off. It's enchanted that way on purpose." She looked back down at her controls. "This is low." And it was already driving me fucking crazy. She turned a dial. I gasped as the buzzing doubled. "This is medium." She turned the dial up even more and I whimpered at the mix of pain and pleasure that assaulted me. She grinned and looked up. "And that's where I'll be leaving you today."

"P-please," I gasped. Before I could say anything else, a ball-gag fit itself around my mouth.

"You're welcome!" she cheerily said. She leaned in and kissed me on the nose. "I'll see you in a few hours, my love." She tried out the door, humming a song to herself. Or maybe that humming noise was just the buzzing in my insides that was already driving me crazy.

I tried taking a few deep breaths only to find each one punctuated by a flinch as the machine changed in frequency. I tried zoning out like I usually do only to find that my mind was too distracted by the horrifying pleasure in my nethers. I tried a campaign trick one of the slaves taught me in Egypt, but it had been too long since I used it that I couldn't get in the zone.

I was trapped. Locked in a fucking machine. For who knows how long.

It was a terrifying thought, and when I got out I was going to ensure that it never happened again.

I don't want to talk about the five. Fucking. Hours. That I was trapped in that thing. I don't want to talk about the hate I felt for Luna, or the fear that I was trapped in that thing forever, or the whole 'how did it come to this' phase I went through for a while.

My mind hated every second of it.

And my body loved it. I'm normally quiet for reasons I've already established, but my body was moaning and whimpering like there was no tomorrow. I felt a burning in my entire body, an itch that needed to be scratched. I don't know how long my wings had been outstretched, but the muscles in them were sore. My mind wanted out of this contraption, but my body wanted the collar gone. I tried pushing at it a few times, to find that I couldn't even move it.

Luna waltzed back in with a small smile on her face. She walked right in front of me. I don't know how long she was standing there before I was able to notice her. When she saw my eyes lock on, her horn glowed and the gag slipped down. "Well—"

"TURN IT OFF!"

"But—"

"OFF!"

She sighed. "Oh, very well." She pressed a button and the machine stopped. I felt my entire body slump. I think there were tears in my eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked. "Disappointed you didn't get to cum?"

"Never again," I whispered, my voice shaky. "Fuck this, fuck those stones, and fuck you." She shrugged and pressed a button. The machine roared back to life and my entire body straightened. I let out a moan before I could help it.

"Oh, it seems part of you liked it."

"Please, stop it!"

"Oh, I think you'll have to do better than that."

Oh God, why did I have to forgive her? I could have gone and lived a semi-normal life away from sadistic princesses, but nooooo.

I clenched my jaw shut, denying her anything.

She smirked at my defiance. "I'm feeling generous. If you eat me out and make me cum, I'll take the collar off. Does that seem fair?" I shook my head. "Well, I could always just leave for a few more hours. I'm sure I can find _something _to do." I let out an involuntary whimper at the thought of being in this thing for any longer. "What was that?"

"P-please…"

"Please what?"

"Please let me out."

"Oh no, you're not going free until I have what I want. And," she said, stroking one of my wings with her hoof, "you have what you want. Now let me hear you say it."

"G-give me what I want."

"And what do you want?" she whispered, leaning in closer.

"T-t-to… c-c-cum." I don't even want to talk about the shame I felt. At that point I just wanted to curl into a ball and never see Luna again.

She leaned in the rest of the way and kissed me for a moment before pulling back. "I'm first, of course," she said. "I hope that tongue of yours is ready." She lifted me from the table and set me on the floor. I moaned when the machine impacted the floor and jolted. She giggled. "Oops, how clumsy of me." With that, she turned around and let her tail drift out of the way. I saw how wet she was. That was all I had time to see before I thrust my face in. Anything to get out of this thing.

I viciously attacked her clit, trying to get her to cum as fast as possible. She started backing up a bit, grinding into my face. I didn't care, I was just trying to get this over with. When I didn't get the results I wanted from her clit, I shoved my tongue inside. She giggled a bit at my desperation. With that infernal buzzing inside me I couldn't concentrate enough to use any real skill, so my tongue was essentially flailing around inside of her. _This isn't working. This isn't working at all!_

I took a deep breath and shoved my muzzle inside her, letting my tongue go deeper and using my entire face as a fuck-toy. She gasped and pulled away for a second only to sigh and lean back on me. With the new depth of my tongue, I was able to hit better spots. She finally came a minute after I shoved my face in, which was good because I was starting to see spots from holding my breath. I pulled out and breathed in deep, just in time for the collar to click off and for my mind to shut down at the explosion of pleasure I felt.

I think I fucking fainted for a few minutes there. When I came to, I was lying on the floor, that machine finally taken out of me. I was still a mare, though.

Luna was standing over me, smiling. "Well?" she asked.

I was still trying to catch my breath. My entire body was sore and my nethers still tingled. "I'm… done," I gasped.

Her smile dropped. "What?"

"I'm opting out," I said, my voice back. "I claimed that right before we started. I said if you went too far I was done. As soon as you turn me back I'm going home."

"But… you said…" She started crying. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"I did!"

"I thought…" She sobbed. "Oh Celestia, why?!" She lifted me into a tight hug, crying over my shoulder. "Please, give me a second chance!"

"This was your second chance!" She just hugged me tighter.

"I'm a terrible special somepony!" she sobbed. I couldn't really deny that. I wanted to comfort her, but at the same time I wanted to just leave. I settled for doing nothing. I don't think I could have moved far anyway. Why is it that I'm so good at making mares cry? Or maybe it's just Luna. She sure was going at it over my shoulder. "Please don't leave me," she finally wailed.

"You have that fucking sybian. Why would you even need me?"

"Because I love you! That machine can't give me love… Please, don't leave me here to fight this alone!"

"I gave you two chances. It's been two days. You fucked up both times. How do I know the next time won't be worse?"

"You said we could try anything…"

"I wasn't expecting you to do something you knew I didn't want to do!"

"Please don't break up with me!"

"…What? Why would I break this off over something like this? I know you're not in your right mind. I just can't keep doing this. So, I'm opting out. You stay here and do whatever you want to yourself while I go home and not get raped or whatever you had planned for the other two days." She finally pushed me away a bit, so she could look me in the eyes. Given that I was a mare with a face covered in her fluids, the effect was probably lessened.

"Tomorrow is yours. You can have the rest of the week, even! Just… just don't leave me…"

"The problem with that is I didn't have anything planned for two of the days I already had. I have no imagination and no real interest to try new things. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to, but I would never initiate it myself. I was planning on just fucking you for those other two days."

"That's fine! That's perfectly fine! We can even do that all week, if it means you wouldn't leave!" I didn't respond for a few seconds. She gulped and said, "Well… I might spice things up a little on my days…"

I sighed. "I have a few conditions on which I won't leave. I have the power to veto anything and stop anything. You wear the ring and can't do anything magical to me. You are welcome to experiment, but _ask _before you do something. If I say no, you don't do it. When your estrus ends we talk about my past sexcapades. I'll tell you everything, including why I hate magic—with the caveat that you swear to do nothing with the information."

"No magic…" She was silent for a moment. "Deal." Her horn lit up and I felt myself shift back to a human. I was still a female, though. "So you'll stay?" she asked as I stretched a bit.

"Yes. As long as you hold by the conditions I set down, I will stay." She beamed and flattened me to the floor with a hug. "Watch the wings!" And the boobs… She pulled me back up with a sheepish smile.

"Your body is a lot more squishy now," she commented, poking at one of the breasts. "What _are _these? I remembered them from when I was a human, but…"

I gently pushed her onto her back and spread her legs. Her smile widened. I pointed out her oddly placed nipples. For those of you that don't know—not like anyone is reading this anyway, you fucking perverts—ponies have nipples on their lower stomachs. "These," I said cupping a breast, "are these." I poked one of her nipples. "Our women hold infants up so they can feed. Though I've seen infants here and they aren't anything like horse foals where I come from." I shrugged. "Just another difference. Now, where did those stones go?"

She looked a bit more uncertain now and her legs curled up a bit as she turned on her side. "Promise you won't be mad…"

"No. Where are they?"

She looked away. "I may have… leant them out."

"What."

She flinched at my tone and looked back at me. "I'll get them back in the morning! I… I had some more things planned, but…" She sighed. "I still have those old toys, if you want to… you know."

I rolled my shoulders. "I don't think I could take any kind of stimulation right now. What you did to me was fucking torture. Besides, isn't it about time for your lunch?"

"I ate before I came back." Fucking bitch. "We could just… cuddle."

"I'm going to need a lot of water before I can do that. But yeah, it does sound nice. And it would give me a chance to recuperate." She gave me a weak smile. I tried getting to my feet to find that my legs were too shaky from that horrible experience. "I can't get up."

She rolled her eyes and picked me off the floor with magic. She gently floated me over to the bed and set me down. "I'll be right back."

"Or you could just give me my canteen."

She eyed my clothes. "You _still _carry that thing?" She shrugged and floated it over. I took it from the air and greedily drank it down. When it was empty I tossed it back to my clothes. She shook her head at that. "So messy. That's okay in your room, but in mine?"

"I can't exactly move my legs. You want to bitch about it, feel free to do something about it."

Her horn lit up again and my bag and the clothes I left strewn about it all flattened over against the wall. "You can deal with it later. Now, shall we?"

Like I really had a choice. She jumped up next to me on the bed and wrapped her legs around me, pulling me close. She giggled as my new breasts squished against her. "I think I like you like this," she said.

"That's nice. I don't like me like this, and it's my body. Who did you even lend those damn stones to?"

"Oh, just a friend. I expect she's making her husband squeal right now."

I really didn't want to know that.

I sighed and just let myself mold around her.

In the morning, a visibly disturbed Shining Armor dropped the stones off. "Throw them in the ocean," he whispered to me. "Don't ever let Cadance get them again!"

"I feel your pain, bro. I feel your fucking pain."

With that, I touched the proper stone and went to fucking sleep.

Day Three

"So… what do you think about anal?" I asked.

Her face just lit up. "I knew you'd change your mind! Let me go get the strap-on!"

Oh hell no. "Not what I meant! Not what I meant at all, sweet Jesus."

She seemed to sink in a bit. "Oh… So then what… Oh! You want to… okay. Let me just go… get the lube! Yes, we must have that." She left the room. For a moment I thought I might have fucked up, which I honestly didn't care that much about. Then she came back in with a large bottle of lube.

"Luna, if you don't want to do this we don't have to. I just suggested it because I really don't have anything planned until the last day." The only plan I had at all, actually. I was hoping to have our first real semi-romantic date. Get out of the palace, find a nice place for a picnic or something.

"If… if you want to…"

"I don't if it will make you uncomfortable. Just put that bottle down and we'll fuck like rabbits."

She let out a sigh of relief and set the bottle down on a table. She looked to me with a grin. "I know you don't much like it… but would you mind if I used my other form today? Everything feels more bestial and filling in it."

"As long as you let me take the lead, then yes. And as long as you let me have the chance to say no if it gets to that."

"Of course! Don't worry about a thing, Nav. I won't do anything you say I can't."

I nodded. "Then let's begin, shall we?" With a grin that turned into a nasty smirk, she transformed into Nightmare Moon. I still couldn't help but shudder as I beheld her evil form, but I knew that Luna was in there somewhere. And since I was in control…

Wait… I forgot how fucking tall Nightmare Moon was.

I sighed. "Guess I'm on bottom yet again."

"That's where you belong anyway. Now, to the bed!" Ouch, my feelings. I shrugged and hopped on the bed. I was quickly ponified, which gave me an idea for my next day: Turn her into a human and fuck her that way. I'm tired of always sexing as a pony.

She wasted no time attaching herself to me.

Look, the sex was pretty boring, all things told. I mean, it was fun, but it wasn't something worth describing. Pretty much just her bouncing up and down on me, insulting me a few times, complimenting me a few times when Luna shone through, and me attempting to keep up but failing miserably because I'm not a mare in heat.

We took a break for lunch and were quickly back at it again.

All things told, it was fun and probably the best day.

Day Four

This is the day Luna done goofed.

"Nav, I want to try something… different today."

"Different isn't always good, Luna. What do you want to do?"

"I want to try an old thing called mind melding."

"I don't know if I like the sound of that. What is it with you and old crazy shit?"

"Nav, I was trapped on the moon for a thousand years. Forgive me for being old fashioned."

"So what would it entail, exactly?"

"I've never tried it. Unicorns of old would use it to become one with each other. It was a great, safe way of trying new things."

"I'm not so sure about that. I don't like the idea of you being in my mind."

"Don't you trust me?"

"After the week I've had? Shit…"

"We would share control, Nav. I couldn't do anything to you that you couldn't stop."

I mulled over it for a few seconds. I didn't really want to, but I didn't figure it could hurt. I sighed and said, "Sure. What do we need to do?"

"Just sit there and relax. I'll do all the work."

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly before nodding. I felt her horn touch my head and then I felt my mind collapse inward.

I felt my body look around, though I didn't think I had any control over it. When I saw Luna, my mouth smiled. She answered it with one of her own.

"How do you feel?" she asked.

_Odd_, is what I wanted to answer. Instead, my body said, "Great. Better now that I see you." _What the fuck?_

I started to get a sinking feeling in my stomach. Or at least, I think I would have if I had been in control of my body any more.

Her smile deepened and she blushed lightly. "You're just as I imagined you would be," she whispered.

That gave me a bit of a hint and a very large amount of terror. First, Luna said that only unicorns used to do that. Second, back when I was helping Shining Armor, when he realized that he had magic he had complete control of my mind.

_I think I just gave Luna the ability to turn me into whatever she imagined me to be—and to make me want whatever she wants me to want_. It was a terrifying thought, one I didn't want to be true.

It started okay, with her doing some odd stuff. You know, cookie dough on dick, she heated it up with magic, it constricted and she ate it off.

Then it went weird, stuff I didn't like at all—watersports, if you're interested. If we weren't in our minds, I would fear that I would never get the smell out of my nose.

And then it went fucking terrifying.

"Nav, how do you feel about… blood?" By all rights, we both should have been panting after the last strange as fuck thing we did, but there was no exhaustion in here.

I wanted to shake my head and say hell no, but I felt my body smiling and say, "I'm a warrior, Luna. I love it." That wasn't fucking true at all.

The nervous look left her face and she grinned, raising up on her hind legs a bit and clopping her hooves together. "I knew you wouldn't judge me! Now, how do you feel about pain?"

"After so many wounds, I've begun to enjoy it." Oh God what. What kind of sick fuck does she think I am? I had long ago realized what I thought earlier about her making me what she wanted was true. My body was willing to do whatever she asked, and most of it involved demeaning me in some way.

Her grin turned dark. The meadow we had been in for all the other events turned into a small chamber with stone walls, with implements of torture hung around it. Manacles stood on one wall and a table covered in chains sat in the center.

"To the table," she commanded. My body went, forced to do her bidding by magic most foul. My physical body was probably shaking in fear right now.

Luna chained me down. Each arm was tied down. There was a special slot on the table for my wings. I maneuvered them through and she locked them in place. My legs were tied. Then she looped one more around my stomach for good measure. I could fidget, but not escape. Not that her version of me wanted to anyway.

"You can't technically die in here," she told me as she looked over the walls, "but you can get kicked out. So, what does my warrior suggest I use?"

My body looked around the wall as best it could before settling on Luna with a grin I didn't like. "Your horn."

Long story short, blood does not make a good lube.

I woke up, screaming. Luna's look of dreamy happiness turned to confusion. She reached a hoof out and I swatted it away, tumbling out of bed. I slammed my hands into my pockets, feverishly trying to find the ring. As soon as I found it, I put it on.

"What's wrong?" Luna asked, trying to calm me down and taking a slow step toward me. I backed away from her, toward the door.

"Stay away from me!" I frantically pawed for the door knob, not looking away from her. When I found it I slammed the door open and bolted the fuck away. I got out of her room and as far away as possible from her as fast as possible.

When I couldn't hear the sounds of her chasing me anymore, I made a straight beeline for Celestia's room, because I did not want to see Luna at all right then. I couldn't fly away because she could teleport me back and try to talk me into staying again, and after that there was no way in hell I was going to be anywhere near her.

"I need to speak to Celestia," I told the guards at her door.

"She's asleep," one of them answered.

"Don't care. Need to see her. Right now."

"You can't. She's sleeping."

"You have two choices. You let me in or I force my way in. Don't pick choice two."

One of the guards was a unicorn and the other was a pegasus. They both smirked at that. "Make my day, dark knight," the unicorn laughed.

He stopped laughing when I smashed my hand into the face of the pegasus. Have you ever punched a horse? It hurts like a bitch and their teeth are really hard. But their snouts are pretty sensitive, so this guy dropped hard.

I whirled on the unicorn. His look of shock lasted about a second before his face hardened and his horn started glowing. Nothing happened and the shock returned. My foot met his throat and he went down, trying and failing to breathe.

I quickly let myself in and just as quickly shut the door. I made my way to her bedroom as quietly as possible and sank to the floor. Celestia was quietly slumbering away. Just being near her was good enough for me. I did my best to lean against the wall and catch what fitful and nightmare filled sleep I could get.

I don't know what time I woke up, but it was day out and Celestia was gone. I know she had to have noticed me there, because I was kind of out of place. I achingly got to my feet and approached the door. I saw a note tape to it and read through it: "Luna told me what happened. I suggest seeing me before going home, but I will not require you to."

I opened the door and saw all my stuff in the next room, all packed nice and neat. I grabbed my bag and started walking to the palace exit. I wouldn't risk flying home, so I had to take the train.

A few hours later I was walking off the train into Ponyville. I was really regretting having no alcohol. I just went home, got Zecora, and had her put me to sleep for a long time.

("Sex is over")

I don't want to talk about the week of Luna's estrus. I gave up halfway through. I feel no shame in it at all, as she essentially tortured me. When I fled back to Ponyville, I was actually afraid to take my ring off for a while. I had to get Zecora to mix me a potion to put me to sleep so I could recover.

While I was waiting for her estrus to end, I got some thinking done. A lot of thinking about some uncomfortable topics. I came to some unhappy conclusions.

A few days after Luna's estrus was supposed to end, I sent a letter to Celestia. Short and to the point, "We need to talk."

I got a response back within minutes, "I'll meet you at Fluttershy's cottage in half an hour."

I was still wearing my ring, so she couldn't teleport me to her and she couldn't pin point me to teleport to me.

I left the tree house and went to Fluttershy's bush house. I climbed up to her roof and sat up there waiting for Celestia. I didn't figure Fluttershy was in, but I also didn't really care.

Surprisingly, Celestia came alone. I figured she would bring guards or something. I kind of wondered how she pulled that off.

I hopped down from the roof and walked over to meet her. "How did you get out here alone?" I asked.

"I'm the princess, I do what I want. My guards were not very happy with it, but oh well. And Luna was even more distraught with you."

"Did she tell you… what she did?"

"Yes. That is why I didn't even try to ask you to stay. When she told me what else she did I couldn't help but wonder how you stayed so long."

"I'm battle hardened, I guess. I honestly don't know. Let's walk, I don't want to risk freaking Fluttershy out if she comes out here."

I started leading her into the fields surrounding Ponyville.

"I know you didn't ask me out here just to walk with me, Nav. What's on your mind?"

"I need your opinion on something, and some confirmations if possible. Has Luna ever been romantically involved with anyone else?"

"Back before Nightmare Moon, yes. She was always relatively chaste, though. She remained a virgin until you, I believe. Times were different back then."

"How did she treat them?"

"I do not pry into her business. Again, times were different back then. I couldn't tell you."

"Were they arranged things, or things she found herself?"

"Arranged, all of them."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "I don't think Luna loves _me_, Celestia. I think she's in love with a mix of my human ancestry, me being the first guy to ever really give her even attention, and because you arranged this for her. I don't think she actually loves me."

Celestia stopped. "What do you mean?"

"I got to thinking about it after what she did. Celestia, I gave her three chances with some very simple rules. She fucked up big time. I don't think she knows me at all. I think she's basing her feelings of me off the notes Twilight gave her about humanity, about how we're warlike and tough or something. I think what she wants is a subservient warrior figure that she can say she tamed and dominated."

"And what… What led you to this conclusion?"

"What she did to me was bad. So much blood… Celestia, she took me to a place where I saw exactly what she wanted me to be. And when she saw that I was willing to do whatever, she showed me her true self. Her hidden desires. I can't be what she wants me to be and I can't do any of what she really wants. I actually tear up and shake in fear when I think about what she did." I shook my head. "I can't make it work, Celestia. She hurt me too bad this time. I know it was her estrus. I know she was out of it. But I'm actually afraid of facing her again. I'm afraid of telling her that I want to break it off."

Celestia looked quite shocked at that. "You're… you're breaking up with her?"

I sighed yet again. "Yeah. She abused me too many times. I've been raped enough. I don't want to be tortured by someone I thought loved me. I fear that if I stay with her that's what it will become. She's had her chances and I'm not giving her any more. I loved her, but I don't think she loved me. At least, not the way I thought she did. Lovers don't do what she did."

"And you can't be convinced to try one more time?"

"All the one more times I've ever given anyone failed. I gave Luna her one more time twice. I'm not giving her another. I'm sorry, Celestia. I know it's going to make your life hell for a month or two, but I'm breaking it off. I just wanted your help on how to do it."

She pawed at the ground. I don't think I've ever seen Celestia do something nervous like that before. "You are still her knight."

"Yes, I am. Depending on how she takes the news, I will remain her knight. It will probably be awkward for a while, but until she matures and learns to like me for me, I can't be with her romantically."

"Matures?" She snorted. "Still, I do see your point. And yes, you might be correct. I will talk with her. I _will _talk with her. Tomorrow night, you will talk with her. Not wearing your ring will be a sign of trust, but I would not judge you for wearing it. For now, keep it on. Perhaps between the two of us we can sort this out with a minimum of pain."

"I hope so. I do not want to hurt her. I really, really don't. I would love to stay as her friend, if possible. I just can't keep opening myself up like that if she's just going to keep hurting me."

"I understand perfectly, Nav. And I do not blame you in the slightest. I just wish… Well, wishes don't get anywhere. I found that out a long time ago. Is there anything else you need, before I go and try to plan out one of the more awkward conversations I will have?"

"Just one thing." I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her. "Thank you." I felt her head rest on my shoulder. "And you smell nice." I let her go. "Good luck, Celestia."

"If only I didn't need it. Until tomorrow, Nav." She raised her massive wings and shot into the air.

This is really going to suck.

The next night came way too quickly for my liking. I was nervous as hell all day, constantly fiddling with my ring, trying to decide if I wanted to wear it or to not wear it. I knew that Celestia would be watching, but I didn't know if she would be able to react quickly enough to help me if Luna did overreact.

I wasn't expecting her to try to hurt me, honestly. I mean, we were both adults. I figured she would likely get emotional but I didn't think she would explode. In the end, I decided to carry the ring but not wear it.

Much sooner than I wanted it to, the note came from Spike for me to take my ring off. I did, and a moment later appeared next to Celestia in that evil sitting room. "Well?" I asked.

"She's upset. She took it about as well as I expected, all things told. You being her first real love, she's very unhappy that she messed it up so badly."

"When can I talk to her?"

"I told her when she woke up yesterday. She was mulling it over all last night. I let her sleep on it. When she wakes up, you will talk to her."

"Any suggestions?"

"Don't say anything about staying friends. Don't say anything about what could have been. Those are like telling a girl she can see the sun but never feel its warmth. It's perfectly fine to stay friends, if you two can manage it, but she doesn't need to hear that right now."

"I don't know if she would mind not feeling the sun again. She doesn't get out much during the day."

"You know what I meant."

"Yeah, yeah. Just trying to lighten the mood. This is gonna be kind of miserable."

"Quite. Now, enough of her. I am interested in how _you _are taking this. After so long of not being able to feel love, you finally give it a chance and this is what happens. How are you feeling?"

I sagged a bit in the chair I was in. "I don't like it worth a damn, Celestia. It hurts. But I think I would get hurt worse if I stayed. I think I remember how to feel love now. I'm not about to let one bad experience ruin that for me. Just because this fell through doesn't mean everything will."

She nodded. "I'm happy to hear you say that. I wish you luck in your future attempts, wherever you search. And as always, remember that I am here for you."

"I think Luna would be kind of pissed if I dumped her and immediately started macking on her sister."

She blushed a bit. "That isn't quite what I meant. Although I wouldn't exactly be opposed… You already know how I feel about you. But you are correct. Luna would most definitely not be pleased at that." She smirked. "Though I wouldn't tell her if you needed a rebound lay."

"I don't really think that would end well. As fun as it would be, I really want to take a break from sex for a few weeks. What she did just kind of killed it for me."

"I understand. I will leave you here for now, if you aren't opposed. When she eats, I will tell her where you are. And if you leave your ring off, I will watch over you. I love and trust my sister, but I don't want to take chances."

"Awesome. You go and do your thing. I can chill here for some time. Oh, random thought: How pissed were your guards?"

"What do you mean?"

"When I slept in your room that one night. How mad were your guards?"

"They were perfectly fine. They said that you walked up, politely asked to be let in, and they let you right in. I was a little angry that they didn't check that if you were a changeling, but I suppose they knew you were in the palace and didn't want to risk waking me up."

"What saints. Well, you go on ahead and do your princess thing. I'll be waiting here."

She nodded and stood. "Just try to be gentle." With that last bit of advice, she left.

"And now we play the waiting game," I said to the empty room.

Some hours later, the door quietly slid open. Luna walked in and looked around. "Um. I guess he—"

"BOO!" I yelled as I landed on her back. She screamed and bolted into the room. A moment later she remembered she had magic and I was ripped off her back. "Oh, I wish I had seen the look on your face," I managed to gasp out between laughs.

"That was _not _funny! I could have hurt you!"

"Yeah well. Can you set me down now?"

"Hmph." The magic around me dropped. Thankfully, I caught myself and managed to not smack my ass on the floor. "I must say, though, that was certainly one way to change the mood. I came in here ready to cry, and now I just want to yell at you."

"Yeah, I'm good like that. Come, have a seat. I fear we have things to discuss."

"I really… I don't know if I want to stay here." She sighed. I shrugged and grabbed a chair.

"You're welcome to stand if you want, but I was holding onto the roof for a while and my legs are sore."

For a second I thought I could hear her teeth grinding before she let out yet another sigh. "Very well." She claimed a couch. "So. Is this it then?"

I leaned back as much as I could with my damnable wings. "Unfortunately, yes. I'm not going to let myself continue to get abused while waiting for you to sort out issues. I trust you understand where I'm coming from."

"Sadly, I do. And you are absolutely correct. About… a lot of things. I'm so, so sorry. But sorry doesn't take back what I did. I will… attempt to change. Even if… even if you never give me another chance, there might be others. And I will not do to somepony else what I did to you. If you are still willing to be my knight, I want your word that you will do your best to make sure that I treat anypony I claim to love with the respect they deserve."

"You got it, Luna. I'm chill with being your knight. We cool?"

"What?"

"Is everything okay between us?"

"No. But it's as good as it's going to be for a little while. This hurts me quite a bit, as I'm sure it does you. But… I have experience in dealing with heart break. All I need is time. What of you? How is this making you feel?"

"It hurts, same as you. It's just… I think it would hurt more staying." She seemed to flinch a bit at that, before nodding.

"So that's it then."

I stood. "Yep." I held out my hand. She eyed it for a moment before holding out a hoof. I grabbed it and shook it. "Also, these shoes you wear are really cold. Like, every time you touched me I shivered. So you might want to think about that." I saw a small smile on her face before she turned away. "I'll see you later, Luna. I need to get back to Ponyville."

"Of course, Nav."

I left her there in that sitting room. I don't know how long she sat there. I just jumped out the next window and flew back home.

All things told, that could have been a lot worse.


	51. Chapter Forty-Nine

Chapter Forty-Nine—I hate kids. Also, everyone's favorite disc jockey!

I was roused from my slumber late one December night by fire on my feet. I jerked awake with a holler that would have woken everyone in the house up if they aren't already awake and staring at me. "What the fuck, Twilight?"

"Two colts are lost in the forest!"

"Good for them. Let me know when it's morning so I can go hunt for their bodies." I tried to settle back down, but I suddenly felt energy coursing through my veins. "Fine! I'm up, I'm up!" I tossed my legs off the side and stood up. I saw a worried looking Twilight, a tired looking Spike, and a bored looking Taya all staring at me. "Where did they disappear at?"

"The last anypony saw, they were going in near Fluttershy's home," Twilight said. "We don't know why they went in, but one of them was carrying a camera and the other was carrying a wooden sword."

_Fucking_… I reached over and grabbed my crossbow and the bolts. The sword followed them. I didn't have time to put my armor on and I didn't figure I would need it either way. "I'll be back when I'm back. Hopefully they'll be fine." With that, I jumped out my window, flying to the forest. _Fuck it's cold… Should have gotten a jacket._ I knew the kids probably didn't have much time, so I didn't go back for one.

I made it to the forest quickly enough. I landed at the entrance near Fluttershy's cabin and started looking for tracks. Luna's magic eyes helped tremendously for that; I found the tracks within five minutes. I started running into the forest, watching out for any signs.

I found two colts an hour after I started running. They were just walking into the forest like it wasn't full of monsters or anything like that. One was a little kid named Pipsqueak and the other was named Featherweight or something. "What the hell are you two doing in here?" I whispered, gripping them both by the scruff of their necks.

"Monster hunting, Sir Navarone! Are you here to help?" Pip said, his voice cracking. When he opened his mouth to talk, the wooden sword fell out of his mouth.

"I told him it was a bad idea, Sir Navarone!" Featherweight spoke up. He had a camera around his neck. "But he didn't listen, he never does."

I did a quick mental calculation. The sun was going to be a few hours in coming up. I don't know how the hell these two little kids were still alive. I couldn't run with them both and they couldn't keep up with me if I ran alone. We might not make it if I walked them out, especially not at night. Zecora's house was too far. The abandoned castle, though… "Alright, we're going to a safe house until the sun comes up. Do whatever I tell you to. Do not talk loudly. Do not lose sight of me. Do not step where I don't step. And if I tell you to run, run until you get out of the forest." I set them down. "Let's go."

Pipsqueak picked up his sword. Featherweight asked, "Why did you come out here, anyway?"

"Because you aren't supposed to be in the forest." I started walking. They jumped to keep me in sight; it was dark in this place. "This place is dangerous. Very dangerous. You two are lucky you didn't run into anything that thought you were a treat. I know a griffin that would be hesitant to walk this place. Hell, _I _am hesitant to enter this place without a good reason."

"Then why—" Pipsqueak started, too loud.

"Shh! Whisper."

"Then why did you spend so much time here in the past?"

"Princess Luna ordered it. Most of the animals can't see me here anyway, unless I get unlucky. I have a tree to thank for that."

"But… I'm doing this _for _Princess Luna!" Pipsqueak whispered.

"I know she didn't order you in here. Don't try to tell me she did."

"I want to prove myself to her!"

"There ain't nothing wrong with that, but you're going about it the whole wrong way. Next time she's in the area I'll bring her to you."

"But… she hasn't been here in years!"

"Princesses are busy. Just trust me, Pip: this isn't the way for you to earn her favor. I'm her knight, I would know."

"How did you do it, then?"

Being the right species. Saying the right—or maybe wrong—things. Killing sentient monsters. "I was smart. I waited until I knew a bit more of what I was doing—and when I had better weapons—before trying to kill any monsters. At least wait until you have your cutie mark before you start trying to earn a lady's favor. And ask your bloody parents first." He sighed, but thankfully dropped it.

I had us stop a few times before we got to the entrance of the castle. I heard a few critters that were ominously close to us, but thankfully nothing tried to attack us. The portcullis was mostly rotted, now that it was finally able to hit the ground. We stepped over it and what was left of the skeleton of the manticore and finally got into the castle proper.

They looked around in wonder. "What is this place?" Featherweight asked.

"The old capital of Equestria, or something like that," I answered. "This is where the princesses used to live over a thousand years ago. How are you two not freezing?"

They gave me an odd look. "Our winter coats are in. Are you cold?"

"I'll be fine." Hopefully. "Who wants to learn how to make a fire with sticks?"

"Not me," Pipsqueak said.

"Not me either," Featherweight added. "I want to explore the castle!"

"You two can't even see in the dark. What are you planning on doing?"

They looked at each other for a moment before looking around. They could probably barely see the entrance room we were in, with the moonlight coming in from outside. They looked back to me and shrugged.

"That's what I thought. You two just lie down and go to sleep. I'll keep watch."

"But I'm not tired! I want to hunt monsters!" Pipsqueak said.

"Too bad. If you can't sleep, at least lay down."

They did so. Pip looked sullen and Feather looked tired. I stood near them, watching the door. Not fifteen minutes later they were both asleep.

Two hours after they fell asleep, I started hearing creaking outside. That sound means one thing in the forest: Timberwolves. And Timberwolves hunt in packs. They were the only animals that ever knew I was there, but they appeared to have some manner of respect or something for me. I don't know if it was because of the tree thing or because I was a human, but they occasionally would walk up to me and rub against me, wagging their wooden tails.

Well, all this was after the _first _time I met them. That ended poorly for the wolf, who tried to take a bite out of me and was met with a sword to the brainpan.

But while this pack might react kindly to me, I doubt they would to the ponies. I moved in front of their sleeping forms, holding my crossbow at the ready.

When the first one poked its head inside the door, I spoke up, "These ponies are not for you, wolf. Your kind respects me and I respect your kind, but I must protect my charges. Depart now and we shall stay in peace."

It growled, and stepped inside the room. Four more followed it. One, the largest of the pack, stepped forward. "Take another step and I shoot," I warned it.

It stopped. After a moment, it opened its mouth wide. It sawed at the air for a moment, looking like it should be coughing. Eventually, it did. After a minute of making random noises, something intelligible came out. "You bring ponies onto our lands," it forced out in a crude, guttural voice. I was very, very shocked. "Why should we not eliminate them and sate our hunger?"

"They are young, and do not know the error of their ways. I did not know your kind could talk."

"Many of our kind can't. The art is lost. Of those of us that can talk, almost none ever do so outside of our race. You have earned some respect. But these two have not. We want them."

"I can't let you have them."

"And I don't want to try to take them from you. But we must eat."

"Perhaps we can make a deal? Their lives, in return for my help in killing something bigger?"

The wolf shuddered, branches shifting against each other. It turned to its pack and did something to its body to make clicking noises. More noises answered it. It finally turned back to me. "That is acceptable. We must move now, however. We will take you to the edge of the trees, where you will leave them. Then the hunt shall begin."

I nudged Featherweight and Pipsqueak awake. Featherweight looked up and saw the timber wolves and started screaming. I forced his mouth shut before the wolves got angry. Pip had different ideas: He grabbed his wooden sword and tried to charge before I ripped it out of his mouth and pulled him back to me.

"Now, these guys are going to escort us to the edge of the forest. You aren't going to scream. You aren't going to attack them. You are going to walk next to me, staying quiet. Do not look them in the eye. Do not wander. Now, when I let you two go, what are you going to do?" I looked to Pip, who was looking down.

"Follow you," he said in a morose voice.

I let Featherweight's mouth go and looked at him. He looked like he was about to have a heart attack. "T-t-they aren't h-h-here to hurt us?"

"Not anymore. They're friends. Come on, you two." I let them both go and stood. Pip sighed and grabbed his little wooden sword again. The wolves watched their every movement, daring them to make a move out of place. Featherweight was glued to my side as I started walking to the door. He was doing his best to look everywhere but at the wolves. Pip was looking straight ahead, silently daring any of them to attack us.

Some of the wolves filed out ahead of us while the rest waited for us to get outside. "Sunrise in about three hours," I commented as we made our way to the gate. Nothing answered me but the creaking of timber wolf wood.

It took us an hour of hard walking to get to the edge of the forest. "You two go straight home. If anyone asks where I am, just tell them that I'm cleaning your mess."

"Thank you _soo _much, Sir Navarone!" Featherweight said, elation evident in his voice. He didn't wait for Pipsqueak, just flew/walked straight home.

Pipsqueak muttered something mean I pretended not to hear and walked home. I waited until he was out of sight before I joined the wolves. We slinked back into the forest, the wolves practically melting into the trees. "Battle plan?" I whispered to their leader.

"We find the target. You kill it. We have heard of how your weapon works. Most predators do not even see you, and will never see death coming for them."

"Lead the way."

Onward we went. Honestly, I was somewhat tempted to go back on the deal, but I don't like doing that when I don't have a previous deal overruling it.

We were walking in the forest for half an hour when the wolves stopped. The leader jerked his head forward and I continued, readying my crossbow. I had no idea what to expect.

_Oh God, it's one of_ those. According to Twilight, these things were called catoblepas, and had the same ability of the cockatrice to turn things to stone. Essentially, it was a bull with the head of a boar and some scales on its back. I had never seen one look up. They were pretty dangerous, as far as I could tell; I did my best to avoid them.

But that isn't an option here. I walked up to it, doing my best to not make too much noise; it might not be able to tell I was there, but noise would still spook it. When I got to a good position, I raised my crossbow, took aim, and shot it in the head. It dropped like a rock. _Too easy_. I yanked the bolt out and cleaned it as the wolves walked closer. I reloaded and turned to the leader. "Dinner's served."

It looked over the body. "Yes." It turned back to me. "You have proven yourself reliable. I suggest you remind those you care about not to enter this forest, at least not without you as a guide. While _you _will not be attacked, those that enter without you will not always be so lucky. Until we meet again."

I stood out of its way and it brushed past me to get to the body. I leapt into the air as they began to tear the thing apart.

It's certainly interesting that timber wolves are intelligent. Definitely not something I was expecting. _I'll have to tell Twilight. Right after I get some sleep_. I landed back at the library just as the sun was coming up. I entered, feeling my skin prickle at the sudden temperature change. I walked up the stairs, seeing no one awake or about. I pushed the door to Twilight's room open and walked over to her bed.

_Aww, she looks so peaceful. _I poked her in the ribs. Hard. She jumped awake, blinking at the sudden brightness in her eyes. "Kids're safe. I need you to put me back to sleep. Oh, and the timber wolves are smart. But first, sleep."

"What was that about the timber wolves?"

"Sleeeeep!"

"Ugh, fine. But unless you want to sleep on my floor, we should probably go to your room." We did just that. I dropped off the weapons I had grabbed and my shoes. With that done, Twilight knocked my ass right back out.

Of course, I had to wake up less than an hour later to accept thanks from the parents and whatnot. I would have rather been asleep, honestly.

I got a fun little surprise a month later. A certain white mare came into town, looking for a nice place to get away for a while. And she came bearing gifts.

This white mare wasn't Celestia. Nor was it Rarity. No, this was one Vinyl Scratch.

And she brought me fucking booze. You can't really ask for more than that, man.

"You're a saint, Vinyl," I said as I cracked open a barrel.

"I heard that," she answered as I passed her a filled flagon. "As much dough as you've made me with this little recipe of yours, I figured I could finally come to town to repay you."

The two of us were chilling at one of the lakes around Ponyville. I was out walking when she showed up, carrying a barrel with her magic.

"How long you going to be here?" I asked.

"As long as I feel welcome. I like the vibe of this little town. Nice and quiet, with a hidden undercurrent of energy you can just barely make out on the surface. I might get a little house here, to stay when I'm not feeling the music mood anymore."

"You get paid so much that you could just casually do that?"

"Buck yeah. I'm still living the high life off that wedding commission. I offered to do it for free, but now I'm glad Pinkie refused. And this alcohol stuff you made is making a killing, too."

"Just as long as no one gets the recipe, I don't care. Speaking of which, if you're tired of apple-flavored booze, I got recipes for other fruits and for honey-alcohol. Make a little variety, eh?"

She grinned widely. "I'm down for that! It can wait, though. Right now I just want a celebratory/start of vacation drink with a good friend."

"I can drink to that." We did just that, too. "So, you got any plans for your time here?"

"I got several friends living in and around Ponyville. I was planning on visiting them and catching up. See how small town life is treating them. Maybe hanging out with my favorite human some."

"You probably don't want to spend too much time with me. When I'm not doing something for the princesses, my life is pretty boring. I live in the library with a friend, my daughter, and her dragon assistant. I don't have a job because everything is covered by the crown and what isn't is covered by reward money and the bits I got for selling my books. I spend my days going on walks and trying to forget the things I've done."

"Things you've done? HAH! How bad could it possibly be?"

"Worse than you could possibly imagine." I drained the glass. "It's best that we not talk about it." I refilled the flagon. "What about you? How's the music industry treating you?"

"It has its ups and downs. That lifestyle just gets old after a while, though. Sometimes I just like taking a break. I hadn't been to Ponyville in a while and I remembered that I still owed you a few barrels of this stuff, so I figured I'd pay you a visit."

"You know what you also owe me?" She looked over at me. "An explanation of sorts. What the hell happened that night we met?"

She sighed and drained her mug. "That was… not my fault. And it was not my intention. I told everypony to keep off you, but that bartender was paid to slip you a mickey. He refused to tell me who paid him. I tried to pull you away from the party, but you refused. Said you earned a bit of fun." She shrugged. "I left the party early, not liking where it was going. When I heard what happened… Well, I was surprised. Very surprised."

"I don't know and I don't want to know. I still get secret smiles from Lyra every time I see her. I just know that it was bad and something I shouldn't have done." I smiled. "I had a lot of explaining to do when I got back to the palace."

"You did say something weird that night… something about seducing the princess?"

"I might have said anything that night. Come to find out, I was already under three libido increasing spells by the time I met you. That was a hellish week."

"But is it true?"

_Eh, fuck it._ "Yeah."

She looked me up and down. "I could _maybe _see why, but they'd have to do some, er, _improvements_. Which one did you bag, anyway?"

"They know how to change me into a pony. And I've fucked both in the past. Dated Luna for a few months. Didn't work out."

"Hah, knew those two knew how to have fun. I can't imagine you were supposed to tell anypony, though."

"Yeah, I'm not. But honestly, fuck it. What's the harm in letting everyone know the princesses are still mortal?"

"True, I suppose."

"What about you? You got anyone waiting for you?"

"Nah. I like playing the field too much."

We drank in silence for a bit before she spoke up again. "So… how were they?"

"Luna's a freak. I hated it. Hell, that's part of the reason I left her. I've had enough of the weird stuff and I really just want to keep it simple for a while, but she looked at my past and for some reason seemed to think I liked some of the shit she did." I shrugged. "Celestia was one of the best lays I had in forever, though. Might hook up with her again sometime, if she's interested."

She smirked. "You two ever want a third wheel, count me in. I'd love to cross that off my bucket list."

"Bucket list, or buck it list?"

"Psh, there's a difference? Most of mine is sex related."

"Fair enough. I've already fucked several of the sentient races out there, as well as three royals. I think I'm good in terms of that. I think the dragon might have been the best, all things told."

"Sure know how to make a mare feel appreciated, Nav."

"Hey, we never fucked. We just had a little fun."

"Yeah, yeah. Speaking of, how'd your little dragon friend handle himself that night?"

"He did very well for himself, from what I heard. Didn't even regret it."

"Good for him, at least."

I looked back into the barrel. "Good lord, we've already cleared half this thing."

"There's plenty more where that one came. I left fifteen barrels of that stuff in my room."

"And I have a few barrels of honey alcohol in the storeroom. Along with bags of bits. Hey, you wouldn't happen to need about three thousand bits, would you?"

"Nah, I'm good. Wouldn't say no to something to eat, though."

"Yeah, booze can make you hungry. Which reminds me of something! I got something else for you to try one day while you're here. Something called weed. It grows in the forest, so it'll have to wait until I'm less drunk, but you'll probably love that stuff."

"If it's anything like this booze you got, I bet I will. You'll have to find me one day when you get some. For now, though, I'm hungry. You know of any good places to eat in this place?"

"Sure. I'll have to leave you before we get there, though; Pinkie's not happy with me right now."

"Oh? What did you do to her?"

"Didn't return her feelings." She capped the barrel with her magic and lifted it up.

"I wouldn't imagine Pinkie would be the type of mare to hold a grudge over something like that."

"She isn't. She doesn't hate me, she just gets down whenever I'm around. It kills me to see her with a frown. Besides, I'm not hungry anyway. Just share the rest of that barrel with her, if she's not busy."

"Sounds good to me, I suppose. Shall we?"

Off we went, into the town. I pointed places and ponies out as we walked, giving her a mini-tour. We made it to Sugarcube Corner all too soon. "See you later, Vinyl," I told her as she walked into the shop.

"You sure you don't want to stay?"

"Yeah. Have fun." She just shrugged and let the door close behind her. I continued on through the town, stopping at the library. _Well, this is going to be a bit interesting._

I showed Vinyl weed three days into her stay. I got Taya to demoisturize it and brought Spike with me so he could light up her blunt. I found Vinyl just chilling on a park bench, enjoying a nice quiet day in Ponyville. The kind of nice quiet day that seems so boring when you have them and yet look so inviting when you don't.

Spike and I joined her on the bench. "What brings you two around here?" she asked as we sat.

I held up the blunt. "Remember that thing I talked about the first day you got here?"

"Yeah. Weed, right? Is that it?"

"This is a blunt. It has weed in it. There are several ways to take it in. I don't know how to cook this stuff and I don't have a pipe, so this is how you'll take it. Spike, would you do the honors?"

"Gladly! I remember when you gave this stuff to me and the town. That was hilarious!" With a little tuft of flame, the end of the doobie caught. I passed it to Vinyl.

"Alright, you put your mouth on the end that isn't on fire and gently suck in. It'll feel uncomfortable and you'll probably cough, so be ready for it."

She did so. She managed to hold it in for a second before letting it out. Thankfully, she didn't have a coughing fit. "Earthy. So what's this supposed to—Whoa." Without waiting for a response, she took another hit. "Yeah, I can think of a market for this," she said in a lazy voice. "You're gonna make me a very rich mare, Nav. I wonder…" She sighed, running a hoof down my side. She took another, longer hit. When she pulled back this time I gently pulled the blunt away from her. She let go with no resistance. I snubbed it out.

"Glad you approve. Spike, rock paper scissors watches her. You in?"

"This was your idea, Nav!"

"Yeah, but you helped me. You're off today anyway. What were you planning on doing?"

"Not watching a mare that's sitting there high as a kite! I think I'll go find something else to do, thank you very much."

"Fair enough. Not like I have anything to do either. Have fun."

"I'll try. Good luck with Scratch."

I looked at her. She seemed content to just sit on the bench, watching passersby. She watched Spike walk away with a silly smile on her face.

We chilled on the bench for five minutes before she spoke up. "Do you remember what you said about my eyes?"

"A lot of that week is a haze. I remember them being red and being really awesome. I might have said they were pretty."

She was still smiling. "The word was beautiful." She sighed and leaned against me. "Never had anypony tell me that before," she whispered into my ear.

Then she stuck her tongue in my ear. I jerked back and she fell off, laughing. "I had you going, didn't I?"

"Yeah. I thought I was about to get a repeat of the bar incident." That would not end well, given that we were in public.

Her horn lit up before fizzling out. She went cross-eyed, looking at it. She tried again with the same result. "Hey, what gives? My magic ain't working!"

"Probably the weed. Odd, Taya was able to do magic." I shrugged. "Maybe it's different for everyone."

"So how do I go about making this stuff?"

"We can talk about it when you're not high. You'll have a better chance of remembering, then." I actually had all the instructions written out already. I planned on giving them to her later. At least she wasn't going crazy under this stuff like Spike and Pinkie. But then, I had also given her less.

I did kind of wonder what it felt like… I haven't actually tried weed, myself. I've gotten lightheaded from the smoke, but I've never gotten the full effect. I looked at the blunt for a moment before shrugged and pocketing it. It wasn't for me.

Vinyl seemed to be enjoying it, though. She was grinning like a fool, even now. I kind of wish I could see her eyes.

_Hm_… I reached up and pulled her goggles off. She didn't even notice, aside from blinking at the light change. Her eyes looked quite nice in the light of day. I leaned back a bit on the bench, letting my wings drape over the low back.

It's a shame it was winter, honestly. At least it was sunny out, even if not all that warm. Sometimes I wonder why the ponies even bother with seasons, if they control the weather. Probably Celestia's decree, to further the illusion that she controls the sun. Not any of my business, that.

There weren't many ponies out and about, but there were a few. Enough to keep Vinyl interested for a short while. Not long enough, apparently. A few minutes after I took her goggles she flung herself onto my lap. "Pet me!" she demanded.

"…what?"

She flipped herself onto her back and looked up at me. "Use your paws to pet me."

I rolled my eyes and started rubbing her belly. I quickly stopped when I saw that she was blushing up a storm. "Sensitive belly?" I asked. "I know you ponies have random effects down there."

"You… you were brushing against… my…" Oh. Sometimes I forget where ponies have their nipples.

"How about you turn over, then?"

She smirked. "I didn't tell you to stop."

"Turn over, Vinyl."

She sighed and did so. I started gently petting her. She sighed and relaxed. We got a few odd looks, but I didn't give any fucks. A few minutes later, she was asleep.

That's not the first pony I've lulled to sleep that way. I seem to have magic sleep-inducing fingers or something. I leaned back into the bench again, enjoying the warmth of the pony-blanket I was now wearing. As an afterthought, I slid her goggles onto my face.

Suddenly everything was purple tinted. It was pretty damn awesome

We were there for three hours. We were given tons of looks, but again, I didn't care. There got to be a point, though, where I couldn't feel my legs anymore. That was okay for a little while, before I realized it was winter and that not feeling my legs could be a very bad thing. I gently prodded her awake.

She pulled herself from my legs, rubbing her eyes with her hooves. "Where am I?" she blearily asked.

"My lap," I answered. She looked up at me and saw me wearing her goggles. With a gasp, she ripped them from my face with her magic and settled them on her own eyes. "I need to get me a pair of those. They're pretty nice."

"You can get a pair from somewhere other than my face! What if..." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "What if somepony saw?"

I shrugged. "Fuck 'em. They got used to me. Surely they can get used to something as simple as an odd eye color. Hell, I'm surprised a cool mare like you hasn't just said fuck 'em already and just let them pretty reds hang for all to see. You could probably take back the image of them with your art."

"I dunno, Nav…"

"There was a band back in my world. Huge. Absolute hit. They were constantly wearing makeup and constantly in their band characters. One day, they came out and told everyone that they were Jews. Now, that doesn't make any sense to you, but in my world, Jews are people that _do not _do what that band did. Their image didn't allow it. But by saying fuck them and doing it anyway, they were able to take back an entire race of people's stereotype on music. They had to get famous first, but it still worked. And hell, you are definitely famous." She still looked a bit worried. "Well, think about it this way: If it tanks your career, that'll just give you a good excuse to come back to live in Ponyville."

"That doesn't make me feel much better…"

"Then why do I see a smile?" She was trying to hide it, but it was there.

"It's… nice to think about. Nice to imagine. And I guess it's nice to know that I have friends that would look after me if worse came to worse."

"When you're the friend of two princesses and a queen, you can afford to be generous. Now, I don't suppose you can get off my lap?"

"But you're really comfortable!"

"Yeah, but I can't feel my legs." She sighed and moved off me. I felt a warmth spread down my legs, followed by a tingling feeling. "I should be good to walk in a few minutes."

"There's not really anywhere to walk in this little town, though."

"You can walk around the town. Or just walk to have the sensation of movement. It's decent exercise." Come to think of it, I had never seen a pony that I would actually label as fat. Celestia was nice and squishy, though. "But you are right. This town doesn't have all that much going on."

"I could throw an impromptu concert."

"Do you have any of your tools? Kinda hard to play music without your tables and speakers."

"I can borrow Pinkie's set. They're small-time, but they get the job done."

"I thought you were here to get away from that for a little while. Wouldn't this be the opposite of what you want to do?"

"Oh yeah… What do you ponies _do _all day? This place is so boring!"

"It's better when you have more friends and can hang out. But yeah, this place is pretty damn boring. It's nice."

"NICE? How can you stand living here, Nav?"

"Because I know the other extreme of life, and it's not something I enjoy. I'd rather live in a boring place than live where things constantly keep happening. But again, it isn't that bad if you have plenty of friends."

"Well then, what do you typically do?"

"Oh, I don't have plenty of friends. Sure, I know a bunch of ponies here. But that doesn't mean I'd show up at their door with a six-pack and an empty schedule and ask them if they want to hang out."

"So what do you do with the friends that you have?"

"Lately, very little. I've drifted apart from some of them. I still do the occasional magic test stuff with Twilight, but there's nothing we do together that would interest you. I've barely seen Pinkie over the past few months. Rarity and I never got along that well to begin with, so we rarely do much. Applejack spends most of her time on the farm or with the others, so there's not much there. Fluttershy spends a lot of her time with her animals, and I don't like animals. I still hang out with Rainbow sometimes, but not much. There are a few other ponies I was sort of close to, but I really don't see most of them anymore. Most of my time is spent walking, chilling with Spike, or playing with Taya."

She shook her head sadly. "Sounds to me like you need to get back in with your friends."

"Nah. I'm a bad influence on all of them. And I'll probably be moving to Canterlot eventually. I might as well have as little an impact as possible for when I leave."

"That's really depressing, Nav. I know Pinkie misses hanging out with you, even if you don't want to be her special somepony. She said that you've been avoiding her for a while now. And Dashie likes hanging with you, too. She sees you here and there, but you're apparently never in the mood to do anything. From the sounds of things, this has been an ongoing problem."

"I can't talk about it. Royal order." The truth of it is, what I did to the dogs weighs heavily on my mind, even to this day. They trusted me and I betrayed them. And I was rewarded for it, to make it worse. If I was willing to do that to the dogs—even if there was a decent reason—what might I be willing to do to the ponies if there was a good enough justification? That, and I was still a little down from the whole Luna thing. The only one that even noticed my mood shift was Taya. She was happy that I broke it off.

"Smells like an excuse to me."

"It is. But it's a good excuse." I shrugged. "Regular ponies aren't equipped to handle the kind of shit the princesses make me do. I'm saving you all some pain by keeping you all away." That's also one of the reasons I started leaving my journals in Canterlot. I know they're getting read wherever they end up, but at least Celestia and Luna can handle what I deal with.

Even if they're both cunts for reading my PRIVATE JOURNALS in the first place.

I casually reached into my pocket and pulled out my magic ring, just in case. I had it slipped on by the time I finished that statement. She didn't seem to notice, but I wasn't watching her anyway.

"Sounds to me like the princesses need to find somepony else to do their dirty work, then. You shouldn't have your life ruined because of this!"

"Someone has to do it, Vinyl. It might as well be me. I don't like it, but that's the way it works."

She shook her head. "No, that's not the way it works. You seem like such a good guy! Why should you have to do stuff that's making you feel like this?" Me? A good guy? Ha.

"I don't know, Vinyl. Maybe it's just bad luck. It could have been any number of humans that got pulled here. But it was me. It's not exactly unfair, as far as I can tell. I don't like it, but I can't change the way it is."

We were silent again. She eventually said, "Would you, if you could?"

"No. I wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through this."

"And that's why you're such a good friend! You're willing to do all this for others, even if you don't even know them. You do these jobs because you know somepony has to. You're willing to endure pain and misery for somepony else. Selflessness, Nav." Where have I heard that before? "You shouldn't hide yourself away from something that 'might' happen. So you might be a bit of a bad influence on somepony. Big deal. You gotta live life while you have it!"

"That applies to everyone else, too. Some of us choose to—or are forced to—live by higher ideals. Someone has to do the dirty work. I can't just go around doing whatever I want."

"You can in your off time!" She hopped off the bench. "Come on, Nav!"

"I can't."

"Don't be such a spoilsport! Come on!"

"No, I mean I literally can't. I can't move my legs yet." She looked down to my legs, watching me try to shift them. It wasn't going very well.

"Oh. Is there any way to speed that up?"

"Not that I know of. This is what happens when you sleep across my legs for a while."

She looked at the sky for a moment before looking back to me. "How long was I even out? Couldn't have been more than a few minutes."

"Three hours."

"Three hours?! You let me sleep on your lap, in public, for THREE HOURS?" She didn't sound that angry, thankfully.

"Uh. Yeah?"

She shifted, looking away. "Huh."

"You mad?"

"No, no. Just… surprised. Why would you do that if you work so hard to keep yourself distanced from ponies?"

"Because I'm not a dick. If you fell asleep, you probably needed the sleep. Why wake you up?"

"Even if I'm sleeping on you?"

I shrugged. "Gotta sleep somewhere. I don't have anything planned for the next ever, so I didn't mind you sleeping on me."

"You're really, really weird, you know that?"

"How do you know that I'm not the normal one and that it's actually you that's weird?"

"Because only a weird pony would say something like that to justify his weirdness."

"Whatever." The flexing of my legs was finally getting results. I achingly stood up, wincing a bit as I felt pinpricks shoot up and down my legs. "God I hate that feel. So where are we going?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'll get better as we walk. So, where are we going?"

"To see some of your friends, of course!" She started walking off.

"That really doesn't sound enjoyable," I answered as I started following her. "Can we do something else instead?"

"Nope. It's about time you had a little talk with Pinkie."

"Okay, that _really _doesn't sound enjoyable. Can we do pretty much anything that isn't that?"

"We're going if I have to drag you there."

"And how exactly would you go about doing that?"

She turned to find me watching her, my arms crossed in a way that displayed my ring. "I'll kick you in the shin, grab your wings with my teeth, and start pulling."

"And what if I fly away?"

"I'll call Rainbow Dash and get her to catch you for me. Then I'll kick you in the shin for trying to get away."

"What is it with you and kicking me in my shin? Why can't you just threaten me with magic like all the other unicorns?"

"Because I rarely use my magic. Now come on." With that, she started back off down the road. I sighed and followed. _The shit I put up with, man_.

I shoved my hands into my pockets and smiled at what I found. I pulled out the two gender stones and slipped my ring off and began juggling them. I know it was weird as fuck, but the sensation of constantly changing genders was really interesting. And the expression on anyone's face that saw what I was doing—and how I was changing—was priceless. Of course, not many ponies even noticed; they never knew what a female human looked like anyway. Twilight didn't go out much when she was humanized, after all.

I noticed Vinyl looking back. "What are you doing?" she asked in wonder, watching me juggle. I figured that it was probably something none of them could do.

"Juggling," I answered, my voice changing pitch several times in that one word.

"Juggling? How does that make your voice change?"

I stopped, holding up the gender stones. "These two stones are cursed. This one," I said holding up the pink, "turns anyone that touches it into a girl." I lowered it and held up the blue. "And this one turns you into a guy. If you hold them both, well… interesting things happen." Namely, you turn asexual and your voice goes completely flat. It's impossible to let go of both at the exact same time, so there's no way to stay that way.

Her eyes opened so wide I could see them through her goggles. I pulled the stones away as she rushed forward. "Lemme try!"

"Nope! First time hurts like a bitch."

"Oh come on. How bad could it be?"

"I coughed up blood and almost fainted. It doesn't hurt after the first time, but still."

"I wanna try it anyway. Please?"

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, but not here. And you aren't allowed to tell anyone about this."

She smiled. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone!"

"And you can't tell anypony, either!"

She sighed. "Fine…" Then she perked right up. "Now come on! Forget seeing Pinkie, I wanna test this out!"

I grinned to myself as she shot off down the road. I slipped the stones and the ring in a pocket, making sure I touched the blue one last. I flew after her, catching up and pacing her as she rushed back to her hotel room.

When we got there, she pulled off her goggles and looked at me eagerly. I said, "Brace yourself, this hurts." With that, I threw the blue stone at her. She jerked back and her eyes shot wide open, but she didn't make a sound.

About fifteen seconds after her transformation started, it finished. Before me stood a male Vinyl Scratch that looked shockingly like Shining Armor. I leaned over and picked the stone up from where it had fallen. "Well?" I asked.

"I feel… whoa!" Her voice was a lot deeper. "So… what can you tell me about this new body?" She even sounds like Shining Armor.

"You have a penis now." I shrugged. "That's pretty much it. You're a stallion instead of a mare. Go check out the mirror." She walked into the bathroom and looked at herself.

"Not bad. Pretty handsome, if I do say so myself."

"Narcissism much?"

"Hey, I'm just saying. I'd fuck me if I was a mare."

I rolled my eyes. "I wouldn't know about that. Here, let me turn you back."

"What? So soon? No! I didn't even get a chance to see what sex is like as a guy!"

"It's a lot different, I'll tell you that much."

She smirked at me. "And how would _you _know that?"

"Because Luna is, as I said, very adventuresome. I did not like the change and she was very bad at it." Admittedly, I had been tied down, but still.

"I don't suppose…"

"That would literally kill me. You'll have to find someone else to test it out on. But since I can't let you walk around town like that, I guess you'll never have the chance."

"What? Oh come on, Nav!"

"Nope. I shouldn't have let you do this at all, but it's time to turn back." I pulled the pink stone out.

"Can you give me, like, ten minutes alone in the bathroom, then?"

I rolled my eyes again. "Use lotion. And don't expect to make a mess; you haven't started producing anything yet."

"Got it. Thanks, Nav!" The door slammed shut. I put the pink stone up and laid on the bed, marveling in the odd feeling against my now-female body.

A few minutes later, Vinyl came back out looking somewhat disturbed. "I think I'll change back now," he said in a quiet voice. I casually tossed the pink stone at him. Just like that and Vinyl was a she again. She picked the stone up with magic and gently set it down in my hand. "That was odd."

"Yep." I slipped the pink stone in my pocket and touched the blue one. "Anyway, it's getting pretty late. I think I'll head on home."

"Nav, it's barely lunch time." I was hoping she'd forget that we met on the bench at eight. "Now that we have that little distraction out of the way, let's go see Pinkie."

"I have another little distraction!" I pulled out my key. "This can open any lock. How about we play with it instead of visiting Pinkie?"

"Nope!" She stopped for a moment. "Well, after you prove that by opening this door. Then we'll go see her!"

I followed her out. She closed the door and gestured to it. I very slowly raised the key and turned it. I did my best to make it last several hours. I failed by a large margin. The door did, at least, open.

"Pretty neat trick. Now let's go visit Pinkie."

I'd stalled for as long as I could. I followed behind her as she led me to Sugarcube Corner. I felt hooks under my skin trying to pull me away as I stepped inside the shop. Mr. Cake was behind the counter, wearing his typical smile. Vinyl led the way up to the counter. "Sup, Mr. Cake," she said. "Pinkie in?"

"Nope. She's off today, went to see some of her friends. You know how she is." And just like that the hooks were gone. "Can I get you two anything?"

"Some cookies would be nice. Nav?"

"I don't suppose you learned what coffee is yet?" At his blank look I shrugged. "I'm good."

I sat at a small table while he got Vinyl's order ready. Given that he had stuff on display, she joined me rather quickly. "So what's coffee?" she asked.

"It's a drink from my world that helps you wake up super-fast. It's the human equivalent of sugar for you guys."

"Sugar doesn't wake you up?"

"Nope. It tastes good, but it can't make me hyper. I imagine that coffee would probably be like crack for you guys."

"What's crack?"

"A drug that turns a human into someone like Pinkie Pie at her worst."

"Impossible!"

"Nope. Give a guy some good ol' pure coke and he'll be jittering and pumped in no time. That shit'll kill you, too. Weed? Yeah, it's not necessarily good for you, but ain't nobody ever overdosed on it. Alcohol? That stuff'll kill you if you aren't careful and don't limit yourself. Coke? Easy to OD on. Heroin? Speed? Meth? I'm not even going to give you details on those. Humans put all kinds of crazy shit in their bodies." I pulled out a flask and took a shot of mead. I stoppered it and passed it over. "Here, try this."

She opened it with her magic and took a whiff. She raised an eyebrow, but took a large dose from it. "Not bad. Nice little kick. This your honey alcohol?"

"Yep. Got the recipe from the griffins. Apparently this stuff is illegal to import. But… well, it's not importing if we make it here, now is it?"

She grinned. "I don't suppose it is. You got a recipe?"

I pulled some sheets of paper out of a pocket. "Recipes for mead, other alcohols, instructions for taking care of and growing weed." I pulled a small packet out of another pocket. "And some weed seeds. If any flak comes down on you from above, blame it all on Spike and feign ignorance."

"Spike? Why him?"

I shrugged. "I use him for everything like this, unless I'm actually talking to him. He doesn't mind."

"I'll remember that." She started looking through papers. "Most of these alcohols are very similar."

"Yep. The only different thing is their fruit, for the most part. It's a lot of hard work, as I'm sure you found, but it can more than pay for itself if you make enough. Just don't ever let the recipes get out, as I said before."

"You got it. Least I can do, after all you've done." She put the papers together and sent them somewhere with a flash of her horn. "Now, let's go find Pinkie!"

"Vinyl, I really don't think it was meant to be. I mean, she wasn't here. Why can't we just take that as a sign and call it a day?"

"Because I don't take no for an answer, even if it is from fate."

"So are you saying that you're a rapist?"

She waved a hoof. "Don't be silly. Let's go." She stuffed the last cookie in her mouth and stood. I followed her out the door, waving to Mr. Cake as I left.

"You know, there are places in my world where a girl would be killed for daring to order a guy around like this."

"And yet you continue to follow my every word. How about that?"

"I've gotten used to it. Having two princesses constantly on my case does that."

"Sounds to me like you're just a submissive kinda guy."

Getting raped a lot can do that to a guy. So can having a girlfriend that can hold you down with magic or just hold you down without it. It felt good to get away from her, in a way.

"Just proves my point, you not answering."

"Shut up, Vinyl. Don't make me throw the blue stone at you and run away."

"I'm pretty sure I could outrun you, if it came to that."

"I'm agile, small, I have tons of stamina, and I can fly. I'm pretty sure I could get away."

"Then why are you coming with me now?"

"Because I couldn't get away from Rainbow Dash. And I figure that you'd probably be more angry at me ditching than you would at me for changing your gender."

"You must think I have some really weird kinda priorities. Both would piss me off, but I think I'd be more angry about the gender thing."

Again, I didn't answer. I just continued trudging behind her, silently bemoaning my fate of a cartoony life.

I didn't get to mope about for long, though. Vinyl rained on my pity-party. "So if you were Pinkie, where would you be?"

"An insane asylum."

"When you broke out, where would you be?"

"The nearest bakery."

"After that?"

"Prison, for stealing all the sweets."

She rolled her eyes. "You're really not very helpful."

"It's impossible to find Pinkie unless she wants to be found. One time she popped out of my shirt. I didn't feel her the entire time she was in there, which was apparently quite a while. She terrifies me."

"She's harmless, though!" No, she's not. "She just wants to see everypony smile. Nothing wrong with that, is there?" Answering that would have been a bad idea. "So where should we start looking?"

"Honestly, I have absolutely no idea. She's friends with everyone in this bloody town and quite a few people out of this town. She could be anywhere."

"You said you thought she was moping a bit, though. Where do you think she would go to get advice?"

"Cranky Doodle Donkey."

She stopped, looking at me funny. "What kinda made up name is that?"

"I said the same thing! His name is like a song from my world, Yankee Doodle Dandy. When I commented to Pinkie about that, she giggled and sang the song she came up for him on the spot. Turns out it had the same fucking beat and very similar lyrics. This world scares me."

She shook her head. "So where does this guy live?"

"Outskirts of town. He's a pretty decent guy, as long as you're respectful and leave when he asks you to."

"Well let's get going then!" She started off in a random direction. I stopped and watched her. After a second she turned back. "Where does he live, again?" I pointed behind us. She started off in that direction. I started following.

Way too much of my life seems to be following—or being carried by, I suppose—other people. I wish I could change that, but it's not like I had much of a choice. My line of work kind of forces that. I pulled out the stones and began juggling again, trying to keep from thinking too much.

A few minutes later, Vinyl asked, "Is that it?"

I looked up at the old house. "Yep. That's Cranky's place alright. If he lets us in, don't touch anything." I slipped the stones back into my pocket and slid the ring on. We walked up to the door and knocked.

A few seconds later, Cranky opened it. He was a really old donkey that wore a rather ridiculous toupee. He had a more reasonable one, but Pinkie destroyed it. Rarity replaced it for him and added her own personal touches.

He looked me up and down. "And what do you want, Sir Navarone?"

"I told you already, don't call me sir, Doodle."

"And I told you, no pony calls me Doodle!"

"Yeah, but I ain't no pony, now am I?"

We stood like that for a few seconds before he grinned. "So who's your friend, Nav?"

"Vinyl Scratch. She's a musician."

"What's with the goggles?"

"She's shy of her pretty eyes." She turned to me, blushing a bit. "I don't reckon you've seen Pinkie recently, have you?"

"Hm… I might have." He turned to Vinyl. "If you let me see those 'pretty' eyes of yours, I might remember better."

She sighed and pulled her goggles off. Cranky blinked at seeing them. "Well now, that isn't a common site. I traveled all over Equestria and only saw a few ponies with eyes like that." His grin returned. "You shouldn't hide them." It was Vinyl's turn to blink. He turned back to me. "Pinkie and 'Tillie left a few minutes ago. I think they were going for a walk in the Whitetail Woods."

"Thanks, Cranky," I said. I held up my fist. He shook his head, but met it with his gnarled hoof.

"Just be careful, lad. Pinkie's over what you did to her, but that doesn't mean my Matilda is."

"I've been through worse than whatever she can do to me."

He chuckled. "You've never been nagged at, have you lad?"

I gave him a look of horror. "That's worse than torture—and I would know. How do you stand it?"

"By giving as good as I get. Go on, you two. And good luck, Nav."

"Hope I don't need it. See you later, Cranky." With that, Vinyl and I left. His door slowly closed as we started off to the woods. "Are you sure you want to keep looking? I mean, the Whitetail Woods are rather large and I haven't done too much exploring in there." Now that was a lie. I knew that place very well. I didn't know where Pinkie would be, though.

"We'll be fine. I mean, you're you and I'm me. Ain't nothing in there going to try to pick on us!"

"That won't stop us from wandering around aimlessly for hours."

"How bad could it be?"

In all honesty, that place is really, really easy to navigate. Undergrowth is almost nonexistent, trails are common and noticeably marked, and there are no animals in there that would dare attack me or a pony. It's actually quite nice. I just smiled and said, "You'll see."

Half an hour into the walk she was actually begging to go back. "Vinyl, I was joking before. This forest is incredibly tame. You can stop pretending."

She looked at me in horror. "_Tame_? The ground is rough, the paths are uneven, there are trees everywhere… How are you so fine with this?"

"God you are such a city girl. Fine, let's go back. You won't hear me complain."

She gave a sigh of relief and turned back. "Pinkie can wait for another day. I just want to get back to my room and put some ice on my hooves."

"Is it really that bad? It's only been half an hour!"

"In the snowy, mushy dirt roads. I think there's hardened dirt in one of the lips on my hooves…"

"Here, let me look at it." She held a leg up. I knelt down and put it on my knee. "Not too bad." I pulled out a knife. "Don't move." I gently picked the dirt out of the little groove, making sure not to scrape against the actual hoof too much. I put the knife away and brushed out what of it I could with my finger. "Better?"

She pulled the hoof away and rested some weight on it. "Much!" she said with a smile. Her smile faded. "We're still going back, though. I prefer taking nature in small steps."

"This is about as small a step as you're going to get. This place is harmless."

"I think I'll stick to parks for now…"

"Man, the Everfree would kill you."

"Oh, don't even talk about that place! I haven't been in Ponyville long but I've already heard all kinds of rumors about it. Mostly silliness, but if there are that many rumors I know better than to go there."

"Oh, that place is harmless if you're with me. I'm bros with the timber wolves; they got my back in that place."

I could tell her eyes were widening behind the goggles. "Timber wolves are real? What else lives in there?"

"All kinds of nasties!" Pinkie exclaimed, jumping out of some bushes that weren't small enough to contain her. "And Nav here knows 'em all!"

"Sweet Celestia I'll never get used to that," Vinyl muttered, holding her chest from Pinkie's sudden arrival.

"I don't know if I'd say 'know,'" I commented. "But with as much time as I've spent in there I certainly know what kinds of things live there. Your first assessment was correct: Most of them are quite nasty. You out here all alone? It's not like you to be away from others for too long."

"And it's not like _you _to be with others this long. And just look at poor Vinyl here! Poor thing looks sore and unloved. Just what have you been doing to her?"

"Giving her weed, letting her sleep on me, letting her turn into a guy and then jerk off in the next room, and then letting her lead me all over the place. I'm such a terrible friend, I know."

Pinkie didn't miss a beat at any of those points. "I don't know about _terrible _friend, but a real friend would go to that room and lend them a hoof! Or a hand, I guess."

"I'll leave that to you, then. I know I'm not about to jerk a stallion off."

She eyed my fingers. "I bet those would be so good at it, too…"

"And I'm done with this conversation. So what brings you out here?"

"Just walking with a friend, same as you."

"A friend? You look pretty alone to me."

Pinky looked around herself for a moment. Then she reached back into the bushes and pulled out Matilda, an older female donkey. She looked about herself in surprise. "Where am—Oh. It's _you_." She was glaring at me.

"Yeah, I do tend to be me," I answered. "It's the only person I've ever tried to be." That's not entirely true, I guess. I mean, there was that one time I was Z.

"Yeah, silly!" Pinkie said. "Who else would he be?"

"A proper gentlecolt!" Matilda answered.

All three of us looked at her in horror. "A gentlecolt?" Vinyl finally spat out. "I would never hang around him if he acted like that!"

"And he would get so boring! I mean, sure he's a knight, but that doesn't mean he has to act like one!"

"I'm too much of a dick to be a gentleman. Sorry, but you'll just have to settle for me."

"I see. Come, Sir Navarone. Let's walk."

"I would, but I need to make sure Vinyl gets home with no problems. She hurt one of her hooves."

"I'll take care of her!" Pinkie shouted, launching herself away from the bush and knocking me away from Vinyl.

Vinyl said, "I'm not so sure—" She was cut off by Pinkie throwing something on the ground. Smoke erupted from it and covered her and Pinkie. Half a minute of me and Matilda coughing later, the smoke dissipated and Pinkie was gone. Vinyl was standing there, looking confused. "What happ—"

A pink hoof reached up from a gopher hole in the ground and wrapped itself around Vinyl's hoof. With a jerk, Vinyl disappeared into the hole.

Matilda and I just gaped. For a full five minutes we just stood like that, not blinking or saying a word. I mean, I've seen Pinkie do some weird shit. Everyone that lives in Ponyville has. But that? That was fucking _terrifying_.

"Nope." I turned around and started walking back to Ponyville. "Nope nope nope."

Matilda joined me a moment later. She didn't comment on what we just saw. After a minute she said, "So why did you refuse Pinkie?"

"Because of shit like that. She terrifies me. Even if I wasn't already dating someone else at the time, she never would have had a chance. I can't for the life of me even imagine why she thought I would ever be a good special somehuman. I'm not, as I'm sure you know, a nice guy. I'd straight up call myself a terrible person, honestly. She's blind if she sees something in me."

"Well. And here I was going to tell you why you should march up to that mare and apologize and beg for her favor. I thought you saw yourself as too good for a lowly peasant like her."

"…What?"

"You're a knight, Navarone. Many knights do not settle for low blooded mares like Pinkie. I thought you were acting like one of them… Well, you obviously aren't. So, you're taken, then? Who's the mare? Or is it a stallion?"

"_Was _taken. We broke it off. She wishes to remain unknown, for reasons that I can't say."

She shrugged. "It's a shame that things turned out this way for Pinkie's sake, but if you're afraid of her it never would have ended well." Same reason I broke it off with Luna. Or at least, that was one of the reasons. We continued in silence for a bit. "So are you really afraid of her?"

"Yes. The things she does… I didn't know how she would take rejection. One day I woke up in her bed. I went to sleep in mine and she didn't wake me up at all. I just appeared in her bed. I don't know how. One time she kidnapped me and Fluttershy and made us help her find her family. And another time, she hid in my shirt for a few days and I didn't realize she was there until she popped out. That's impossible, but she did it. I'm afraid of Pinkie. Straight up terrified. The only reason I deal with her at all is because I fear the alternative. I don't know why she thought I would be cool with dating her."

"Probably because you're a little tease. I've seen how you talk with the mares in town. If you were a pony you'd have to beat them off you to walk the streets, assuming you looked even slightly passable."

"That would be really fun…" I stopped to think. _Yeah, that would be a lot of fun_. I continued, "Still, I'm glad I'm not a pony. Though Ponyville _is _about eighty percent mare…"

She shook her head, wearing a small smile. "Stallions…"

When we got to within a few minutes of her house, I said, "You're not going to tell Pinkie all that, are you?"

"Why shouldn't I? She was a little bit confused, I know that much. Why shouldn't I tell her the truth?"

"Because the truth is bad. It isn't something she needs to know. I've already hurt her. I don't want to ruin her. Don't tell her for her sake, if not mine."

"You're afraid of her and by your own word don't really like her, and yet you have no desire to hurt her or let her be hurt. Why is that?"

"Because I'm not a dick. I'm a terrible person—possibly even evil—but I'm not a dick."

"Anypony that thinks they're bad probably isn't." We were at her house, now. "I'll see you some other time, Navarone. I won't tell Pinkie anything you don't want her to know."

"Thank you. Good bye, Matilda." She entered the cozy home she shared with Cranky and I started the short walk back to town.

It's weird how often I hear the same advice. You'd think they would realize I had heard it by now and chose to ignore it, disregard it, or disagree with it. I guess they all still gotta try, though. I believe, at this point, that it is within the general nature of ponies that they want to make others feel better. Not all of them feel this way, but most of them seem to.

Well, I still had most of a day left. No telling where Pinkie or Vinyl were, so that was a bust. I gave Vinyl all the info she needed anyway, so it's not like that really mattered. She was fun to be around, but I'll freely admit that I'm a bit of a downer these days, so it was no great loss to not be around her. At least, not for her. I hummed an old tune while I slowly walked back to the library, kicking up the occasional tuft of snow as I moved.

"What's got you so down?" I heard a cocky voice ask.

"Nothing much, Rainbow. Just thinking, like usual."

"You haven't learned your lesson about that yet? Thinking's bad for you, Nav!"

"I know, but I can't seem to stop. It's a dirty habit, I guess. How do you avoid it?"

"I don't. I just think about happy things instead."

"That's somewhat odd to hear from someone like you, but okay. What kind of happy things should I be thinking about?"

"Your fami—Um. Your speci—Ooh. Your heal—" I interrupted her with a sneeze. "Oh come on! What about Taya?"

"What about her?"

"Surely you feel good when you think about her. I mean, she's your daughter, right?"

"Most of what I feel when I think about her is fear and apprehension. I can't help but ask myself if I'm doing a good job or if I'm being too lenient or too hard or too something on her. I worry for her safety even though I know she won't get into trouble."

"You're way too difficult, Nav. What about your friends? Don't you feel good when thinking about us?"

"Let me tell you how my mind works: It overlays good things versus bad things in my mind. Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity are in the red. You and most everyone else are all clear. So there are a few friends I feel okay thinking about, but not many."

"That's a really dark way of thinking about it, Nav."

"I know. I'm a really dark person, remember?"

"And how's that working out for you?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"That's what I thought. I would try giving you advice, but I'm pretty sure you'd just blow it off, disagree offhand, or ignore it." Someone gets it! "But something's gotta change in your life, Nav. You can't keep living like this."

"Humans are designed to live in misery. We perfected it and some of us even prefer it. The last time I was truly, mind-emptyingly happy, I stole Celestia's crown and paraded it around the palace. I think Pinkie still has those pictures, but to be honest I don't remember much of that week without reading my journals." Which I'm actually a bit afraid to do.

"It's really depressing that it's been so long since you considered yourself happy. How can you stand living like this?"

I shrugged. "Look at my alternatives."

"You mean finding something to be happy about? How is that really so bad?"

"Because, as I said, I don't think I'd know what to do if I was happy."

"Enjoy it, duh! Come on, what's something you'd enjoy?"

I zoned my eyes out for a moment. "Let's prank Rarity."

"We always prank her! Why can't we hit somepony else?"

"Because I like fucking with Rarity. It's a lot of fun."

"Well… yeah. But after her we prank somepony _I _want to prank."

"Alright. On me I have booze, half a stick of weed, a few knives, and my good looks. Can you think of anything to do with that?"

"_Your _good looks are useless. Weed and booze… It's unoriginal, but we can put some of that stuff in brownies and give her some."

"I don't know how to cook it. I gave that stuff to Pinkie before because I had no idea what I was doing. I don't know how she figured it out."

"We could give it to Sweetie Belle and unleash her on Rarity's shop."

"Now that's just cruel. Let's do it."

"Now, we just need somepony unassuming to give it to her…"

We both shouted "Not it" at the same time.

After a few seconds of glaring at each other, I said, "Spike?"

"Spike."

"Wait wait wait, that might ruin any nonexistent chances he has with Rarity. We need someone else."

"Twilight?"

"She would never agree to that."

"Yeah, she's too boring. Pinkie?"

"No clue where she is. She disappeared with Vinyl earlier today. How about a male Rainbow Dash?"

"Nav, how in Tartarus are you going to make me look like a stallion?"

I pulled out the blue stone. "With this. It's a magic gender changing stone."

Her eyes went wide. "How long have you had that?"

"A few months." I jerked my hand back as she shot out to grab it. "Not in public." No one was really paying attention to us, but that doesn't mean they wouldn't notice if Rainbow suddenly turned into Rainbro. "It hurts the first time you use one of them."

"One of them?"

"Yeah. I have this one and I have the female one. Man, you're the second pony I've told this to today. I suck at keeping secrets."

"This was supposed to be a secret?"

"Ehhh kinda sorta. I mean, I don't really want a horde of ponies tracking me down to feel what it's like to be the opposite gender. When I told Vinyl, her first reaction was trying to snatch it out of my hand. When I told Rarity a few months ago she just scoffed. I would have thrown one at her, but they hurt on the first go."

"How bad?"

"You'll have to tell me. It's different for girls than it is for guys, apparently. Don't know why."

"Well then, what are we waiting for? Let's go somewhere private!"

"Did you… did you have to shout that out loud?" We were now getting a lot of stares from passing ponies.

She blushed a bit. "Heh, oops. Uh… Let's go to the library?"

I face-palmed. "Let's just go." We continued in relative silence. When we were away from most of the crowd that was staring at us, I said, "So are we still planning on getting Rarity?"

"Psh, no! I'm going to touch that blue stone and surprise all our friends that don't know about it!"

"How about no? That would just raise a whole bunch of questions that I don't want to have to answer Celestia about."

"How bad could it be?"

"Do you know how many lesbian couples there are in Ponyville?"

"Uh… A lot?"

"Yeah. And how many do you think would like to try—if just once—turning into a guy for their lover?"

"Probably most of them."

"Yeah. If they see you flying off from the library as a stallion, you bet your ass most of them are going to be coming by to visit Twilight, asking how she did it. And then she's going to tell them it was me and I'm going to get chewed out by Twilight and then get mobbed by lesbians that want a dick."

"Well when you put it that way… I still want to try it."

"Then you can take the stones in a bag—after promising on whatever kind of loyalty you have that you'll bring them back the moment you're finished with them. And that you'll come back in the right gender. And you aren't allowed to tell anyone that this event happened."

"I guess that's fair. So, what can you tell me about… it?"

"You won't have to worry about a condom, if that's what you mean. You won't have had time to produce anything, so you'll be shooting nothing."

"Oh. Well that's a bit boring."

"Eh."

"How do you even know about that, anyway?"

"Experimentation. Unwanted and unasked for experimentation."

"Oh… With who?"

"Nunya."

"Nunya? Who's that?"

Fucking ponies, always ruining my crappy human jokes. "Not important."

"C'mon, Nav!"

"I'll tell you later, then. Not here."

She grinned and quickened her pace a bit. "I bet I can guess who it was."

"That's nice. Keep your guesses to yourself." I sped up to match pace with her again. "So if you ponies control the weather, why do you even have winter?"

"You know, I never understood the reasoning behind that. What we're taught in school is that the ground has to have a break from growing crops, which I guess makes some kind of sense."

"Well, I don't know much about farming, so sure, why not." We made it to the library in a nice time. We let ourselves inside, which was easy considering I lived there. The warm air inside felt very nice against my exposed skin and I let out a small sigh of comfort. Then I tossed the blue stone at Rainbow.

She froze, letting out a yelp of pain. She somehow managed to fall over on her back. Her legs twitched a few times before stopping.

"Ain't nothing worse than bracing for it," I commented as I pocketed the stone. "Get used to your new body. I'll be right back with the bag." I went upstairs and grabbed the little bag I use to store the stones. I went back down to find Rainbow getting to shaky legs.

"That… that hurt," he said, his voice much deeper. "Whoa!"

"Yep." I tossed the pink stone at him. He turned right back into a girl.

"Stop that!" she said as I grabbed the pink stone and dropped it in the bag. I added blue one a second later.

"It's pretty funny, though!" I passed her the bag. "Promise me you'll return it."

"I promise I'll return it as soon as we get done."

"And no using it on anyone but yourself."

"And I won't use it on anypony that isn't me."

"Good enough for me." I relinquished my hold on the bag. She took it in her mouth. If you know what I mean.

"Fanks, Naw!" With that, she was out the door.

"I can't help but feel that I've made a terrible mistake…"

"That's probably because you're you," Twilight said, coming up behind me. "What did you do this time?"

"Told a few people things I probably shouldn't have. You know how it is."

She shook her head. "No, I'm afraid I don't. I keep secrets, like a good friend."

"These were my secrets to tell. I just fear I shouldn't have." I shrugged. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"Depending on which secrets you told, it could be anywhere from life on the moon to nothing."

"Life on the moon wouldn't be that bad. I mean, I'd die almost instantly, so I would have that to look forward to."

She sighed. "It's hard to tell—even now—when you're being sarcastic. You're way too good at this."

"I get a lot of practice. So what about you? Are you going to try to drag me off to do something with friends?"

"Nope. I just came back to pick up something I forgot. I'm off to a meeting with the clam jousting club."

What. "Tell me that's not a thing."

"Well, that's what it's called. I don't know why, but they like keeping accurate records. They never let me see what's going on, though. They go to their private rooms, make a lot of racket, and then come back and tell me to record some things." She shrugged. "It sounds pretty fun, but they all say I wouldn't be interested in trying it."

"Uh huh. Well, have fun with that. Tell Lyra and Bon-Bon I said hi."

"How did you know they were members?"

"Lucky guess."

"Well, I'll see you later, then." She left.

I was able to hold my laughter in until the door shut behind her. _Oh Twilight, you so silly_. I didn't even know Ponyville had places like that. I mean, at about eighty percent female, they have to do something, but still! Wonder if that happens in places like Stalliongrad.


	52. Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty—I'm a terrible father. Also, Russian Roulette with Pinkie

It didn't occur to me until a few minutes after Twilight left, but I had no idea where Taya was. Today was one of her study with Twilight days, but if Twilight was going off to that silly meeting thing, where was Taya? I searched the library and she sure wasn't there.

"Well, she knows better than to get into any trouble," I commented to myself. _Man, I really am a terrible father. _

What she knows and what she does are two different things, apparently. Half an hour after I sat down to enjoy a few hours of nothing, I was interrupted by Taya. "I… may have done something bad," she said, not meeting my eyes.

"What happened?"

"Two fillies tried to entice me to play with them since I'm your daughter. They didn't like hearing the word no. So I used the spell I know to enter minds and dragged their worst nightmares up. When I saw how pitiful they were, I gave them _my _worst nightmares. They were still screaming when I thought it would be a good idea to leave."

"Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, I presume?" She nodded. "You probably scarred them for life. They're both rich, spoiled, not used to any hardships. Mr. Rich is a pretty cool guy. He'll understand if I have to talk to him. I don't know Silver's parents that well, though. This will probably end here, without the need to tell anyone anything. But never do what you did again. Using offensive tactics is a last resort. Always try to run first, and if that isn't an option then try for defense. If that fails, attack."

"You're not… mad at me, are you?"

"I should be, but I'm not. I'm actually kind of proud. What you did was wrong, but it was smart. You didn't have to physically hurt them, which was good. Maybe a bit of perspective is what those two need."

She let out a small sigh of relief. "So what are you planning on doing for the rest of the day?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Vinyl was a bit of a bust. Flaked on me before the day was half gone. Though given we met pretty early, I guess that was fair. Twilight's off doing something with clam jousters."

"What's a clam jouster?"

"Something you're too young to know about. And don't ask Twilight, because she doesn't know."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"Yep. Do you have anything in mind?"

"Can I practice some spells on you?"

Oh lord. "As long as you're careful." She's always careful when it comes to me. She knows how I feel about magic, after all. I'm glad she's learning it, though. No one should be helpless, and magic is a great way of making sure you aren't. Especially if you're as freakishly strong as she is.

We went to the room Twilight set aside for magic testing. It was warded against all kinds of things.

She closed the door behind us. "Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked, turning to face me.

"For you, I do." I snapped my fingers, suddenly remembering something. I slipped the ring off.

A message from everybody's favorite lord and master Discord

Time inside that warded room broke. I slithered my way through Twilight's baby wards and stood in front of Taya. I snapped my fingers and she unfroze. She blinked when she saw my smiling face. "Hello, dear," I said, gripping her in a hug. "You said you wanted to practice your spells. How about we practice something a bit more… chaotic?"

"What did you have in mind?" she asked as I set her down.

"It's time to teach you how to use my gifts. Aside from the exorbitant strength, that is. I left this here to demonstrate," I said with a wave to the human body still suspended in time.

"I thought you said I would get to learn this when I was older."

"My dear, you _are _older! Every minute, every second, every instance, you age. In the time it will take you to understand this word, you'll have lost time that you will never get back, making you older. Now, are you ready to learn true magic?"

She crossed her eyes to look at her horn before turning her gaze back upon me. "What's the difference between unicorn magic and true magic?"

"Unicorns use spells. _I _use magic. True magic, not limited by thought or ideas. If I think it, if I want it to happen, it does. _That _is magic. Spells are limited. You have to know the minute motions. You have to know the internal incantations. You have to understand how the magic flows through your focal point. True magic is simpler but harder. You have to learn how to control it or it will seek to give you your every minor whim. But once you learn control, you will never be limited again."

"Do any ponies know your magic?"

"Celestia and Luna. On the few occasions they are required to turn the planet, they use true magic to do so."

"Why don't they tell anyone else about it?"

"Because true magic is dangerous. Anyone can use it—earth pony, pegasus, or unicorn. But if you have the mentality to use it very well, you could essentially change reality. Like right now. Time doesn't exist beyond this room. There were not many magic users out there that could do something like this. Starswirl the Bearded was the last pony to use it knowingly, aside from Celestia and Luna." I sighed. "Poor bastard… He used magic to create spells at Celestia's whim. She knew that magic was too powerful to be freely used anymore, after one madpony used it to bring about a nearly eternal winter. Clover was the first unicorn to ever be taught spells rather than magic." I stood in silence for a moment, remembering. It was me that whispered the idea into Celestia's head. Magic is too powerful, I said. _The risks aren't worth the gains._ Celestia and Chrysalis were still on relatively good terms at the time, and between me and Celestia we managed to get Chrysalis to stop using magic as well. "Their society was already cut into three distinct groups by then. Practitioners of the art were rare outside of unicorn society. It took no effort to stop teaching it. And when the three societies melded, well, by then true magic was just a memory." I shook myself. "The only pony that actively uses magic—though she wouldn't know it—is Pinkie. As far as she knows, she just does things. Baby unicorns use it passively, but they forget what they are doing eventually. But that's enough history. Any questions before we begin?"

"Why are we… using your body for testing?"

"Taya dearest, _this _is my body. I'm just using that old thing as a disguise for now. Now, a demonstration is in order."

I appeared at her side and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, lifting her as I extended to my full height. The room wasn't high enough for me, so I casually extended it. "Reality is nothing to me." I snapped my fingers and the walls fell away, revealing us on the summit of a snowy mountain. There was no change in temperature or air pressure. Flakes of snow hung motionless in the air. I brushed them away from us, making sure they wouldn't get in the way. That done, I set Taya down. "Feel the snow."

She knelt down. "Cold. But the air is warm. And I can breathe easily."

"That snow will never melt as long as I don't will it to. Try tasting it."

She licked it. "Warm cotton candy?"

"Yep." I swirled my hand in the air, catching water moisture. With a thought, it coalesced into a small cloud. I lowered my hand and a holder appeared. I held it down to her. "Try it."

She looked at the cloud. With a shrug, she bit into it. "Cake?"

"Red velvet." I dropped it and let it vanish. "I think that's enough of a demonstration." With a snap we were back in the warded room. "Actually using this magic is difficult. It requires a mindset that isn't normal. You have to disregard what you see as real and substitute what you want to happen as reality. It is similar to using unicorn magic, but there is so much more to it. Many users required a handicap of sorts. I snap occasionally, an old habit that I never quite lost. Starswirl would rustle his cape, jingling the bells sewn into it. Celestia and Luna had a ceremony of sorts. It's just a way of focusing the mind."

"So with this magic you can do anything?"

"There are limits." So many limits… "It requires concentration to use. If you're going through trauma it will be much harder to use. And killing with it is impossible." So is dying. "That doesn't mean you can't kill someone using it, but you can't just will them dead. You can will a weapon into existence, though." I reached out and grabbed a gun. "Such a nasty toy." I tossed it away, letting it disappear before it hit the floor. "But all in all, it is vastly preferable to use my magic than it is to use unicorn magic, assuming you're willing to give it time and practice."

"It seems like unicorn magic is easier to learn and progress in, but is weaker overall."

I smiled. "Exactly the case, my dear. And of course, if you do start learning this magic, you aren't to use it when any important ponies can see. Twilight wouldn't know what you were doing, but she would recognize that you weren't using unicorn magic. Celestia and Luna would recognize it right away. Cadance? Well, who cares what that silly little breeder thinks, assuming she even has two brain cells to rub together." I smiled. "It was nice of Celestia, to finally let Cadance go to her loved one instead of holding out in hopes of finding a male alicorn. I've quite eliminated that hope for her anyway. Not like ponies understand genetics or anything like that." I waved a hand. "Enough of that. Onto the actual lesson!" I explained further how true magic worked. She listened intently, doing her best to understand everything I told her. We spent a few hours in there. At the end of it, she wasn't able to use magic at all.

"Don't think of yourself as a failure, Taya. It took Celestia herself a week to make any progress at all, and that was with a full-time teacher and evidence of magic all around her. Many ponies couldn't do anything with this. It's difficult. You'll learn, with time and practice. Just no practicing it without me around. And I mean me, not Navarone. The princesses watch through his eyes almost constantly, after all."

"And you allow that? Couldn't you stop them?"

"Easily. That's what the ring is for, after all. But they can still watch him with actual magic, if they want to. They haven't, but they could."

She sighed. "Why can't you just make your presence known? You've been nothing but nice to me. Why do they hate you so?"

"It's a long story. They think I'm evil. That what I do is wrong. Or rather, that what I did was wrong." I shrugged. "It's all a matter of perspective. To them it was wrong, and I can see where they're coming from." After all, I can read minds. "In all honesty, morality doesn't exist anymore for me. No right, no wrong. I am incapable of caring. I just want some way to alleviate the boredom. If a few unimportant souls suffer, well, what are they in the grand scheme of things? I am as alone as it is possible to be, aside from a few souls like you that join me. But even those that join me eventually fail, as much as I try to extend their lives. In the end, it will just be me. Again. Surrounded by billions that will flare into existence and then die away. So what do I care if I hurt them? I've seen untold numbers of souls come into being. They are replaceable. I know that this viewpoint is evil to most, but I don't care."

"As long as I'm not the one suffering, I don't either. I wouldn't want my daddy hurting any more than necessary."

I couldn't help but smile at that. "I'm glad to know that there are those out there that are willing to love me for me rather than for the power I could give them." Though I knew the offer of real magic helped her decision. And honestly, the thing about extending lives is only partially true. It is possible, but everyone I've tried it on went insane around the ten thousandth year. Dragons make good friends, but almost none of them are ever willing to have anything to do with me, and the few that would be willing are often hunted down. I could prolong lives, but I couldn't make anyone invincible. I suffer that curse alone.

"Are you insane?"

I blinked. "That's an interesting question," I said. "Again, I suppose it depends on how you look at it. Most would say yes. I'm inclined to agree. I've been alive almost as long as there have been sentient beings, and that tends to drive a guy mad."

"Do you have any proof that you're actually my dad, and not just someone trying to steal me away?"

I smiled. "You should have asked that question first! As soon as we met, that should have been the first question." I gently laid my lion paw on her head, giving her the memory of the deal I made with Celestia.

"And how do I know what's real, and not just something you made up?"

"Well, my dear, you'll just have to trust me. Since I can manipulate reality, I can create illusions that are as lifelike as life. You'll have to ask yourself what is real and what isn't."

"How will I know?"

I looked away from her, off in a direction I try to avoid looking at. "I ask myself the same thing sometimes. How much of what I see is real and how much of it is the madness in my mind?" I looked back at her. "You just have to choose one illusion and pick it as the reality you're willing to believe in. If you're right, great. If you're wrong, you'll probably never even realize it, so as far as you're concerned you're right."

"I think I'll trust you, then."

"That's nice to hear you say." I knew what her answer was going to be anyway, but it was still nice to hear it. I suppose even some 'human' comforts apply to me.

"If you can freeze time like this, why can't we just keep practicing until I understand magic?"

"Because your mind needs time to rest. You can't just completely change your entire outlook on life in one sitting. No student ever managed anything on his first try."

"His?"

"Or her. Believe it or not, there was a time when males ruled the world, rather than women." It's fun, causing paradigm shifts like that. "Old habits die hard." Well, the real reason is that I am technically a he. Or at least, I've always identified with males. While in all honesty the body I have is easily changeable, the female body never sat as well with me.

Oh, and in case anyone wonders why I'm wearing the body of a chimera—for some reason called draconequus by the ponies—it's because that shape is disquieting. Some would say terrifying. So delightfully chaotic, the reactions of those that see it so fun to watch…

"So… What now?"

"Now I return to hiding. You show the princesses some pretty spells, courtesy of Navarone's eyes. Think on the things I have told you. Attempt true magic in your time off, away from anyone. If anyone asks, tell them you are working on human relaxation techniques, taught to you by your loving father."

"When will I see you again?"

"Oh, it won't be too long. And soon, you'll be seeing quite a bit more of me."

She smiled. "I think I'd like that." I answered her smile for a moment before snapping my fingers.

I dropped the ring into a pocket and casually popped my neck. "Ready when you are, Taya."

She shrugged and did some magic. It was pretty alright. I'm still not a fan of magic, but I'm proud of her.

Rainbow Dash thankfully returned the stones before I went to bed. She refused to tell me anything she had done with them, which was probably a good thing. Twilight also mentioned how much more excited the mares at the clam jousting club were that day, and I decided not to pry.

You can only avoid someone for so long. Especially if that someone is Pinkie. I'll freely admit that no matter how good I am at hiding and whatnot, she will always be better at finding. Eventually, it was bound to happen. The only thing that stopped the confrontation from happening sooner is that she didn't know I was avoiding her.

I woke up sitting at a table. I had been chilling with Vinyl for a few hours. We were drinking and talking or something. As always, I knew my limits and made sure to stay away from them. I was telling her about some of my less gruesome exploits and she was telling me about all kinds of weird shit her fans did. You know, normal stuff.

And then I woke up sitting at the table. The only light in the room was hanging from the ceiling, focused on giving light only to the table somehow. On the table was a revolver. "What the fu—"

"Hi Nav!" Pinkie shouted, jumping in the seat across from me.

"Oh good, the past few years weren't a dream."

"Well, no pony said that, but if it makes you feel any better you can think it. Let's play a game."

I shrugged. "Sure."

Her grin widened. "I'm going to spin this doohickey. Whoever it lands on gets to go first."

"Mind explaining the rules? And the name of the game?"

"Roulette." Oh fun. Ponies have Russian Roulette. "If it's your turn, you take the doohickey, pick it up, put it against your head, and pull the trigger."

"Okay. What does the winner get?"

"Well, that all depends on who wins. If you win, you walk free and we all forget about this whole thing. The awkwardness goes away and you stop avoiding me. We do it your way, essentially. If I win, you and I are going to have a talk. What happens is what happens."

"Oh good, so the loser doesn't die?"

"Don't be silly, Nav! I couldn't talk to you if you died!"

I shrugged. "Humans have a similar game. The loser in that game doesn't survive."

"I bet there aren't many players, then." She spun the revolver. It stopped pointing at the wall, closer to me.

"More than you'd think," I replied as I picked it up. "What happens if I'm the loser?"

"Face full of pie."

"Eh, could be worse." I put it up against my temple and fired. Nothing happened. I passed it across the table. "So how are you going to pull the trigger?"

She looked at it. "Uh. I hadn't really thought about that." She looked up at my hands, resting on the table. "Can you help?"

"Sure." She passed the gun back. I lifted it up, aimed at her, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. "So how did you get me here, anyway? And what did Vinyl put in my drink? My head doesn't even hurt." I put the gun up to my temple and fired. Nothing.

"Oh, the same thing I used on you and Fluttershy before. Roofies, I think they're called. And I just picked you up and carried you."

"Man, I'm surprised no one ever calls you out on some of what you do." I lifted the revolver up, aimed it at her, and pulled the trigger. A pie somehow shot out of the barrel and coated her face. "That doesn't make sense but I don't even care." I set the revolver down. "See you, Pinkie."

She used a disturbing tongue trick to mysteriously clean her entire face. "Just because we don't have to talk doesn't mean we can't hang out!"

"Today's a Vinyl day, and you sort of ruined that. I figured I could go and find her again."

"You never willingly have a Pinkie day, though! Why can't we have one of those?"

"How about you have one of those and I'll go somewhere else so I don't have to hear it?"

"Oh come on, Nav! It'll be fun!"

Okay, as annoying as Pinkie usually is, she's also usually somewhat fun to be around. And Vinyl probably already found something else to do. I mean, there was no telling how long I was asleep.

"Sure. What are we doing today, then?"

"What, nothing about how your past is too stained to allow you to ever do anything fun anymore?"

I shrugged. "Well, if you really don't want to do anything, I'll leave." I started for the door again.

Pinkie shot between me and the door, blocking me. Of course, that's not really enough to stop me. I just kept walking.

Of course, her physically blocking me stopped me. She would sidestep in front of me every time I tried walking past her. No words were said. I stopped trying after a minute. "Well?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"There's really not all that much for us to do… We don't share many common interests, there's not really much going on in the town, we always end up baking and I always end up eating most of what we make, and most of our friends are busy. Hm… Want to go on an adventure?"

"What kind of an adventure?"

"We can go hiking!"

"Isn't it a little late for that?"

"Well that all depends on where we go hiking, now doesn't it?"

"As long as we're back before nightfall, I'm okay with it."

"Yeah, you are a pretty heavy sleeper… We can just go for a walk instead."

"Sure. Lead the way." She bounced her way to the door and out it, leading me into Sugarcube Corner proper. We stayed just long enough to get to the door, whereupon we started walking out of town and toward a direction I was all too familiar with: The changeling mines. "Pinkie, let's not go this way."

"Why not?"

"Bad memories."

"What kind of bad memories?"

"The kind that I don't want to talk about. Let's go somewhere else."

She stopped, not moving. "You can't just hide from your past forever."

"I know. But I can hide from it for a while. And I can definitely hide it from regular ponies forever."

"P-shaw! How bad could it be?"

I opened my mouth to respond when she focused on something behind me. I turned and saw Spike approaching at a dead run. He stopped in front of me, panting. "Princess… looking for you…" He held up a letter. I grabbed it and he fell on his back, breathing deep.

I scanned over the letter. "Walk's cancelled, Pinkie." I folded the note back up and handed it to Spike. "Send this back, please."

"You didn't… even change it," he panted.

"I know. Send it back." With a deep inhalation, he did. "I'll see you two later. I should be back in Ponyville in a few hours."

"Oh no you don't!" Pinkie cried, tackling me just as the teleportation spell hit. We both tumbled to the floor of the Royal Science Room, or whatever it's called.

"That's odd," Celestia commented. "I don't remember summoning _you_."

Pinkie bounced off me. "You didn't. I'm just here to make sure Nav answers a question."

I picked myself off the floor and brushed myself off. "A question Celestia ordered me not to answer."

"Princess, did you order him not to answer any questions about what happened at the Diamond Dog Mines?"

She looked from Pinkie to me to Pinkie. "Not specifically, but I did order him to use his discretion when talking to my subjects. That topic does not need to be discussed." She turned to me. "Navarone, do not discuss what happened at the Diamond Dog Mines with anypony that isn't somepony you're comfortable discussing it with."

"You got it, Celestia."

She turned to Pinkie. "Stop ponynapping Navarone. This is actually important and it had to be delayed because no pony could find him."

Pinkie sighed. "Yes, Princess…"

Celestia muttered something along the lines of, "I have to do everything around here…" She turned back to me. "Do you remember what happened after you got back from the changeling mission?"

I looked around for a moment before turning back to her. "Technology?"

She nodded. "With magic and your memories, we have made massive headway. We already have working light bulbs." She nodded to one of the surrounding ponies who flicked a switched. I heard a generator kick on and then I saw a light bulb turn on. Pinkie gasped. "They are imperfect, however. We are still working on switch gates and the like."

"This is cool and all, but why am I here?" I asked.

"Because all of this came from your mind," she answered. "Flim and Flam can only do so much with raw memories. They have to know if something seems familiar to you." Flim and Flam… Why are those names familiar? I cast a sidelong glance at Pinkie and saw that she was still too busy staring in wonder at the light.

"Alright. Which of these are Flim and Flam?"

"None of these ponies are," Celestia said. "They're working in their own room. They invent. The workers here perfect."

"Then shouldn't I be here instead of with them?"

"We need to make sure they aren't wasting their time."

I shrugged. "You're the boss." I looked around the room at the various scientist ponies. "You're all doing an incredible job. If half of the creations in this room work, you've outdone my people by about a hundred years. Even working off memories and half-seen manuals, that is an outstanding job. You do ponykind everywhere proud." Of course, my kind still had them outclassed in weapons, but I don't know if that's something to be proud of. Celestia led me and Pinkie away from that room, wearing a small smile. We walked down the hall for a moment in silence.

"So there's no magic at all?" Pinkie finally asked.

"None," Celestia confirmed.

"So… anypony could use these?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes. I think earth ponies and pegasi have been reliant upon unicorns for far too long, don't you?" Celestia asked.

Pinkie nodded. "It's about time we got good at something other than farming." Ah, veiled class/race wars. How fun. Odd to see Pinkie getting involved in something like that, but I suppose she's still a farmer at heart.

"And you, Navarone?"

"I don't like magic anymore, Celestia. Anything to get rid of the dependence on it is good for me."

"I don't foresee electricity completely replacing magic. But supplementing it? That would be quite nice."

"Do you know how well Chrysalis is doing in her own endeavors?"

"All we know is that she has her entire research team dedicated to figuring all of this out. They have fewer resources, less ponypower, less magic, and generally just _less _to work with. By all rights, we should be out-maneuvering them by years."

Anything to keep the black man down, I guess. Changelings are black in color, if you didn't realize.

We made it to the next room by that point, so there wasn't anything I could really say in reply. This room was a lot different than the old one. Where it was clean and orderly, this place was trashed and chaotic. "This is what I like to see," I commented as I walked in. "The signs of a job actually being done."

"I'm glad somepony likes it," a male voice growled. A pale yellow unicorn with bacon hair pulled himself out from under a… how did they even get that in here? It looked like a car mixed with a fucking train. I saw he had a mustache that was half scorched off. "Flim, get out here! Princess and her lackeys have come calling."

I looked to Celestia. "Had a harder time 'tying them to the royal yoke' than you thought, eh?"

"Some ponies care more for their own profit than for the need of all," she replied as another unicorn that looks almost the exact same as this one came out. The only difference was the lack of a burned mustache.

"What," he said, looking at us. It wasn't a question and it wasn't overly welcoming.

Celestia answered him with a smile and said, "This is Navarone and one of his friends from Ponyville. He is the one responsible for all of the memories I graced you with."

They both turned to me. Before either of them could say anything, Pinkie spoke up, "You two look familiar."

"That's because we tried to scam Ponyville a few years ago," the mustached one said with a voice full of bitterness.

"Blackmail is a wonderful thing," Flim muttered, glaring at Celestia.

Celestia rolled her eyes. "I'm paying you two more than you would have ever gotten from owning that silly apple farm."

"But it isn't our _choice_! We were doing just fine without this…" He looked me up and down before sneering and turning back to Celestia. "Without this ape's help. Magic always served us well. Why would we need anything like this?"

"Because the world turns," Celestia said. "Navarone, give them a demonstration of why magic is not always reliable."

I pulled my ring out and casually slipped it on. "Release your anger," I said to the one with a mustache. "Teach me a lesson. I dare you."

His horn lit up like a fireworks show. Nothing happened. I casually walked up to him and poked him in the forehead. He was sweating from effort by the time I walked back to where I was standing.

"I think that's enough of a demonstration," Celestia said. "That's enough, Flam." He didn't stop. Celestia stomped a gold-shoed foot down, cracking the floor. "Enough!" He finally stopped. Flim and Flam both glared at me. "Now you see the limitations of magic. First, only unicorns can use it directly. Second, there are ways of nullifying it. Nav, your ring?" I pulled it off and held it up for her. She picked it up with her magic and flew it over to Flim. It slid down his horn and he flinched.

A moment later his eyes went wide. "Get it off," he said in a very quiet voice. Flam reached over with both of his fore hooves. Flim kneeled down and let Flam remove it. Celestia's horn lit up and it floated back to me before either could do anything with it.

"This technology works for anypony," Celestia said. "We've already been over that, but you seem to keep forgetting it. Maybe this will help it sink in. And if it doesn't… Well, isn't that just a shame." She didn't sound very sad. "Now, Navarone, poke around. See if anything looks familiar. Pinkie, you stay here."

I didn't move, just pointed at the car. "That looks like a mix between a train and a car. Is it coal operated?"

Flam nodded. "We don't have… gasoline. Or oil. Don't even know where to go to find it."

"Dig. All I know is that it's underground, usually in swamps or the like. So it's the same as coal. What's the max speed?"

"Twenty kilometers per hour. I don't know what a mile is, so I don't know how to translate that to whatever you're used to."

Conversion ratios… "One inch is… Ah fuck it, not important." I always hated related rates. "That's faster than I can run and I bet this thing can go a while."

Flim snorted. "Not quite. The wheels keep shattering on the roads we have." He walked up to them and kicked one. A wooden thunk echoed. "We don't have rubber. I don't even know what that is. If we had a sample we could make more with magic."

"I still have my old shoes. They're ratty as hell, but they have rubber in them. Think that would be enough?"

"Sure hope so," Flam said. "Wooden wheels just don't cut it and metal wheels are too heavy."

"They're in my room back in Ponyville. When do you need them?"

"Soon as possible."

I turned to Celestia, who was looking at Pinkie. "Go get Navarone's old shoes. Nav, where are they?"

"Back of my closet. Watch out for weapons."

"Have Spike send a message when you find them."

"Yes, Princess." With a flash, Pinkie disappeared.

"Now that she's gone…" I walked over to a table. "Celestia, this looks an awful lot like a weapon," I said, picking up a large metal rod.

Flim and Flam both coughed. "Er… That's a—" one of them started before I interrupted.

"A steam powered rail driver. Experimental, I assume." I turned to Celestia, still holding it. "If they get this thing working, it would be able to shoot large metal spikes about as fast as a crossbow, but with considerably more sound." I turned and set it down. "Ban it."

She turned to them. "Is what he said true?"

They shared a scared look. "Well…"

"Sort of…"

Celestia glared at them. "Explain."

"You told us to duplicate whatever we could find in his mind, but to avoid the weapons," Flam said.

Flim picked up, "This device was in a… video game, I think it's called. It shot railway spikes. In the game, it was used as a weapon. But we saw further applications for it."

"Railways take a long time to plant," Flam said. "With this, they could cut the time down, as well as the labor costs. We would no longer have to worry as much about workers freezing to death in the mountains between here and the griffin lands."

"It's steam operated," I said. "How do you plan on getting steam in the mountains?"

"Fire. Magic, if it comes to that."

I turned to Celestia. "Your call. It could be used as a weapon."

She looked from me to them. "Anything can be used as a weapon, if you have the will to do so," she replied. "This has a practical use. Your guns do not." She nodded to the inventors. "You may continue making this. But you will include safeguards, something to hopefully reduce the chances of it being used against anypony."

They both let out sighs of relief. I shrugged and moved on to the next thing. "And this?" I asked, holding up what looked like an old-fashioned alarm clock.

"That's our alarm clock," Flim said. Celestia face-hoofed. I shrugged and set it down.

"Just checking. Never know what you might find in an inventor's shop." A letter appeared in front of Celestia. She opened it up. A moment later, her horn lit up and Pinkie appeared wielding old shoes.

Flim floated one to himself while Flam floated over the other. They poked and prodded them while I continued looking. I made the occasional comment while they did their thing. I didn't really have all that much to say, though. They didn't seem to mind.

At least it didn't take me that long to get through everything. I was able to recognize everything there, though I still had one of them explain to me what they were doing with them. Pinkie looked on in wonder at most of the things. I saw her whispering to the princess at some points.

Anyway, Celestia thanked the duo for their time—not that they cared about that anyway—and led us off. "How would you two like to stay at the palace tonight?" she asked.

"Pass," I said.

"We'll stay!" Pinkie replied at the same time. She jerked her head to me. "Why not?"

"Because I have a daughter that's probably worried about me. And you have a job."

"The princess can write me an excuse!"

"She can't write me an excuse from fathering. Taya already doesn't like you, Celestia. No reason to make it worse."

Celestia sighed. "It's just one night, Nav. And I'm sure Luna will be happy to see you again."

"Yes, but sometimes you have to know when to make personal sacrifices in order to keep those dependent on you happy. I'm sure you'd know about that."

"Oh come on, Nav!" Pinkie said. "Just think, we could have a sleepover with the princesses! We could tell stories and play spin the bottle and truth or dare and give each other makeovers and—"

"Do you really think I want a makeover?" I asked.

"You sure could use one," Celestia commented. I felt something ruffling my hair. "You have your mane in the same style you've had it in since you got here." Pony tail, for anyone that cares. I cut it myself when it gets too long. I tried going to a pony barber once to get it cut. I don't like remembering those weeks.

"Celestia, you can't talk. Neither can you, Pinkie. Neither of you have changed at all since I've been here."

"Well duh!" Pinkie exclaimed. "We haven't been to any sleepovers since you've been here either!"

"Let me know how that turns out, then. I need to get home."

"Can you at least join us for dinner, then?" Celestia asked.

"Nope, not hungry."

"You don't even want to say hello to Luna?"

"She knows I have fatherly duties."

"That hardly answers my question, Navarone."

"I would like to say hello to Luna, but I do need to get back. The sooner the better."

"Are you trying to avoid somepony, Nav?" Pinkie asked.

"…No? I'm trying to get home so I can—You know what, fuck it. If you don't send me back I'm jumping out the next window and flying back."

"If you're going to be that way, fine, you can miss Pinkie's party."

"Oh man, I'm getting to go home and I get to miss a Pinkie Party? Fuck yeah, Christmas came early!"

Celestia just rolled her eyes. "Any messages for Luna?"

"Nothing she doesn't already know."

She shrugged and her horn lit up. I found myself in my room. I went out to see what was going on. Turns out nothing. We had a nice, quiet night devoid of any kind of partying or unexpected happenings. It was nice.


	53. Chapter Fifty-One

Chapter Fifty-One—Fuck Appaloosa. Also, more cheeselegs!

"Why are we going to Appaloosa again?" I asked Twilight. We were already on the train, of course, so it was a little bit late to go back, but it still would be a nice thing to hear.

"It's Applejack's tree's birthday."

"First, that's retarded. Second, that's seriously retarded. Third, I don't care about a fucking tree. I meant we as in me and Taya. Why are we going?"

"You're going because Taya's going. Taya's going because her teacher is going. Several spells work differently in different biomes. It's important that she learn now what kind of differences to expect."

"I fucking hate deserts," I muttered, looking back out the window.

Approximately three people were happy that we were on the way to some no-account town in the middle of the terribly named Mild West. Applejack, who was going to see a lot of family. Spike, because we were going back to a desert type area with a group of buffalo that revere dragons. And Twilight, because she's a bitch that likes seeing me suffer. Wait, no, because she gets to teach Taya. That's definitely what I was supposed to write.

Anyway, Appaloosa. For those that don't know—not that there will be any, given no one is supposed to read this (fuck you Celestia)—Appaloosa is a small town or whatever that was thrown up in the middle of a place it wasn't supposed to be. Buffalo territories surround it. Buffalo are like the Native Americans of my world if all the lies the Native Americans made up about their culture was true. So basically, stereotypical ones. The buffalo got all uppity about their land being stolen or some shit. There was a big hoedown in the town until something ridiculous happened and they all lived happily ever after or something.

So you know, not how I would have solved it.

I was predicting a long week of boredom and waking up too early. From what Twilight told me, there weren't that many pegasi there, though. I might be able to just find a cloud or something and sleep up there without risking anyone busting that cloud out from under me. Or if all else failed I could do like I did in Twilight's library and move a cloud into a building for a permanent cloud bed.

Those things are fucking comfortable, man.

We were almost there when I asked Twilight why I was going, so it was hardly any surprise when we arrived less than an hour later. I stood and slung the axe over my shoulder. I didn't really want to bring it, but Twilight insisted. Apparently I'm supposed to have it on me at all times when I'm away from my 'home base' or some stupid shit like that. It didn't make any sense to me, but then the antiquated laws Twilight digs up rarely do. Since she made me take that, she couldn't stop me from taking my crossbow and some bolts. If I was going to look like a warrior, I wasn't going to have my ability to fight go unimpeded.

Applejack was the first one off the train, of course. I wanted to be the last, but Fluttershy was being herself and insisted I go first. Arguing with her is occasionally akin to arguing with a wall, so I didn't bother.

My first up close and personal impression of the town was rustic. "Yep, this is gonna be a bad week," I said aloud while looking around. It was a right and proper boomtown, pulled straight out of a Western flick.

And there's the pony that's wearing a hat and a western style vest. Gotta have one of those. He even had a faded orange hanky in his left pocket. "Howdy y'all. Welcome to AAAAAAAAPPALOOOSA!" He reared back and kicked his legs out as he said that. "Welcome back, Cousin Applejack! I see you brought the old gang back. But who's this one?" he asked, turning to Taya. And then he saw me. "My my, you're a big fella. What's his name?"

"Sir Navarone, knight of Princess Luna," I answered, my voice not entirely welcoming.

"Aww, you have him train—urk!" My hand was now wrapped around his throat.

"Not. An. Animal," I said. "Sir Navarone. Knight of Princess Luna." He nodded as much as he could with his air flow being restricted. I let him go and stepped back. All the girls save Taya were giggling. "AJ, you knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

"Yep! So Braeburn, how's the crop going?"

"Good," he croaked, still eyeing me nervously. "So uh… what else are those hands good for?"

I saw him looking at me in a new way that I didn't like. I reached around to my back and pulled my axe free. I held up the axe with the blade as big as his head with one hand. "And what exactly are you implying, Braeburn?" I coldly asked.

He turned beet red. "Nothing! Nothing at all!" The girls were giggling again. "How about I uh… show you around town? To… make up for offending you?"

I looked around as I put my axe up. There was exactly nothing to see. "Pass."

"Come on, it won't take but a few minutes!"

"Not interested. Look, how about you just tell me where the changeling hive is and I'll chill with Chrysalis for the week?"

His entire body paled. "Ch-ch-changeling h-h-h-h-hive?"

I crossed my arms. "Aye. Chrysalis told me the capital was near here. I figure she won't mind a surprise visit." And maybe I can see my children, which is a scary thought.

He gulped. "W-w-w-we don't know nothing about… about a changeling hive."

I rolled my eyes. "So it's hidden. Great. Spread the word around town that Navarone is interested in going. The changeling agents she has here will either find me or get word back to her." He seemed to grow more and more scared at each word.

Twilight pulled me back with magic. "Don't worry about him, Braeburn," she said. "He just doesn't like deserts. Don't let him spook you."

Braeburn let off a nervous laugh. "If you say so, Miss Twilight." He turned back to me. "So are you sure about that tour?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure."

He sighed and shook his head. "You're the only pony ever come through here that didn't want to take it…"

"And I'm also not a pony, so your record is clean."

He blinked. "Oh yeah." Then he remembered Taya. "So, Little Miss, what about you? Are you interested in seeing the sights?"

"No."

He jerked back a bit. "Really? You don't want to see the square dancing area? Or the memorial? Or the horse drawn horse drawn carriages?"

"Not really."

"Oh posh!" Rarity said in her stern voice. "You've made Taya so reluctant to do anything interesting, Nav!"

"No," she answered. "He made me reluctant to do things I don't want to do."

Rarity rolled her eyes. "Then he made you not like things that sound fun." She turned to Braeburn. "I would love to take the tour of the town again, dear."

He answered her with a nervous smile. "Uh… Anypony else wanna join?" No takers. I couldn't help but smirk a bit.

"Just you and me, big boy," Rarity said, her voice getting a bit husky. "Do lead the way."

He gave a small sigh and walked off, tail and ears low. Rarity trotted behind him.

I turned to the girls. "So she knows he's gay, right?"

"Nope," AJ answered. "So what was that about changelings?"

"Chrysalis told me their capital was near here. I figured the locals would know. If they don't, one of the changeling agents posing as ponies would."

"What changeling agents?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I thought we kicked them all out!"

"You kicked the ones out of Canterlot. But I read a copy of the peace treaty and the alliance treaty. There was nothing about removing agents in either one. And you just know Chrysalis is going to have agents here."

Twilight hmm'd. "I was working on a spell that would enable me to detect changelings… It eliminates their disguise and makes it so that they can't change for an hour."

"No need," I answered. "She trains her agents well, but they grow lax in pony lands because you guys are terrible at noticing obvious things. We're being watched by one right now." They all looked around. Fluttershy was swiveling her head like mad. "I'll talk to her later, after we get more settled in."

"If you're so sure she's an agent, why would she be willing to talk to you about anything that might break her cover?" Twilight asked.

"Because they know me and I know some things to say to hopefully get them to talk to me." I shrugged. "Nothing much to it."

"You could just stay here and not go to that nasty ol' cave!" Pinkie said.

"Would you deny me a chance to see an old friend, Pinkie? I thought you cared more than that."

"Well… Can I come, then? Chrissy was my friend too!"

"Pinkie, don't lie to yourself. You know she despised all of you. Well, all of you but Taya." They all shrugged and nodded except for Pinkie.

"She did not hate me! She went to my party, after all."

"Because I asked her to. The only reason she even allowed your presence near her was because I suggested it." I looked around the town again. "Now, where are we staying?"

The girls brushed past me. "You woulda known that if you took the tour," Rainbow said.

"Or, you know, one of you could be a good friend and tell me," I commented as Taya and I began following.

"We could, but where's the fun in that?" AJ asked.

"Spike, you're on my side, right?"

"Uh… sure?"

"That's a plus, at least. So, where are we headed?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. I spent most of my time with the buffalo last time I was here."

For fuck's sake… Ah well.

All things were going fine for us until our way was blocked by a brown stallion in a black hat and a blue vest with a star on it. He looked to me. "Braeburn said you were a knight of some kind. That true?"

"Some kind is right, yeah. Navarone, knight of Princess Luna. How can I help you?"

He grimaced in distaste when I said Luna, but didn't comment. It was a good thing he didn't. "We got some riffraff in the jail we need to settle out. Outside our jurisdiction. We sent word to Canterlot, but they're always slow getting any help here."

"What exactly do you need?"

"I need to see your badge of office first." I pulled the axe off my back and held it up so he could see all sides of it. He raised a hoof and traced some of it. "Yeah, this is real. Come on." He started walking off to the jail. I slid the axe up and turned to the others.

"Twilight, you interested? I might could use your help."

"Sure. Go on ahead, girls. I'll catch up when we're done." Spike stayed with the others as Twilight and I started following the sheriff fellow. Taya dogged my heels, of course.

We caught up to him easily enough. "So what kind of problem do you have?"

"Easier shown than explained. And it'll make more sense when you see it anyway."

None of us said anything to that. We reached the sheriff's office in silence. He led the way in and closed the door behind us. The cells were empty. He saw me looking and said, "We keep prisoners of their nature elsewhere. Not that we get many, of course." He walked to the side of the building and pulled a rug up. Under it was a cellar door that he raised with a grunt. It hit the other side of the floor with a thud that shook the building. We followed him into the depths.

"Dog and a pony. What's the deal here?"

"How can you even see them?" he asked. He reached up and pulled something, flicking on a light.

"Magic ey—" The blood drained from my face. "Fido," I whispered.

The dog looked up from where he had jerked his head away when the lights turned on. I was already back upstairs, in the sheriff's office. I had my hand on a desk, trying to steady my breathing. Taya was at my side almost as soon as I got upstairs, hugging me. Twilight and the sheriff didn't take that long to come up, either.

"And just what in Tartarus was that?" the sheriff demanded.

"We have history," I responded. "It's best he not see me. Bring the pony up here. I'll talk to him."

"I don't want to let either one of them outta their cell until you hear their story."

"The dog attacked the pony screaming changeling. The pony fought back in ways it shouldn't have been able to. Am I close?"

He blinked. "Dead on. How did you know?"

I straightened, turning to lean against the desk. "I told you, the dog and I have a history. Bring the pony to me. Tell him the paramour of Chrysalis is upstairs."

"Paramour of who? That doesn't make any sense!"

"Paramour. Of. Chrysalis. Tell him that and bring him up here."

He shook his head. "You're the knight. But if he tries to escape, you better not let him get away." He went downstairs.

Twilight turned to me. "Nav, you look like you saw a ghost. What kind of history do you and that diamond dog have?"

"Let me just say that it's worse than you could possibly imagine. You don't need to know anything more than that."

Taya said, "You should tell her."

"I can't. Celestia told me not to."

"And since when did you follow any of her orders?" Taya asked, starting to get a bit angry.

"When I started agreeing with some of them. No pony should know the blackness that lives in the heart of man. I have my own heart of darkness. I didn't even have to go to the Congo to get it."

The sheriff came back up the stairs, leading a placid looking pony behind him. The pony walked up to me and looked me over. When he was satisfied, he knelt to one knee, changing to his natural shape. "Hero," he said as he lowered his head.

The sheriff was shitting bricks at this point. "But… you've lived here for years!"

"Rise, changeling," I said. "I'm no lord to be bowed to." It stood, looking at me with expressionless blue eyes. "Did you provoke the dog?"

"No, Hero. We heard about their defeat and knew any remnants would be heading toward the hive. Our job was to watch so we could alert our guards if they tried coming through the pony town. I was not as careful as I should have been. My laxity cost me my disguise and perhaps my life."

"What is he talking about?" the sheriff demanded. "That dog put two ponies in the hospital trying to get to this… _thing_! What is going on?"

I sighed. "That dog is a refugee that despises changelings. That's all you need to know." I turned back to the changeling. "There's at least one more agent here, a female. Turn back to your shape, lead me to her, and tell her to go get Chrysalis, some of her guards, and a cage large enough and strong enough to hold Fido."

"You can't do that!" the sheriff yelled.

I looked at him. "And why not? He attacked a citizen of another nation that happened to be here. It is only fair that he be judged by the courts of the nation of the citizen he attempted to murder."

"He's right, Nav. You don't know the full story!" Twilight said.

"You're right, I don't. But I know more of the story than either of you two. I know this dog. He despises changelings. If we give him to any court in Equestria they'll probably let him go so he can try again. The changelings will know exactly what to do with him."

"And what," Twilight asked with disgust, "is that?"

Taya and I shared a short look before I turned back to Twilight. "You don't want to know." The changeling had already turned back into the pony, complete with western style clothes. "We'll be back in half an hour," I said.

The sheriff blocked our path. "I can't just let you wander around town like that," he growled.

"Twilight knows a spell that will disable changeling disguises. If she comes with me and keeps that spell ready to use if he makes a break for it, will you allow it?"

I could hear his teeth grinding. "I don't like this. I don't like this at all."

"Come on, you three," I said, leading them to the door. The sheriff stepped out of the way, glaring at us as we passed.

When we got down the road a ways, Twilight said, "You owe me a very long explanation, Navarone."

"I owe you more than that, Twilight. Changeling, let's make this quick."

He started trotting. We followed him, easily keeping up. He stopped at a store and made his way inside. We followed. The mare that was watching me before was at the counter, wiping it down with a rag. She forced a smile when she saw us. "How can I help you?"

"Intelligentsia, sentient, drone," the male changeling said.

"Egg, larva, foal."

"I've been exposed," the male changeling said. "Hero needs the queen, guards, and a cage to fit the dog." He smiled darkly. "Tell them to bring a muzzle."

The female took a look at me. She nodded. "Hero." With that, she changed into an eagle and shot out an open window. The male changeling walked over to the door and flipped the sign from open to closed. With that, we went back to the sheriff's office.

The sheriff sighed in relief when we stepped inside. "No trouble?" he asked.

"None." I looked at the changeling. "How long should it take for the queen to get here?"

"If she leaves as soon as she gets the message, three hours. The cage will take longer, but she might not bother with that."

"Oh yeah, I forgot she had some interesting abilities."

"So why does he call you hero?" the sheriff asked.

"Good question, actually. Why do you call me hero?"

The changeling looked to me. "You saved our queen and our existence. You are the hero of the changelings."

The sheriff sighed, walking over to a couch behind the desk. "Sounds like a tale. Apparently we got some time. You go right on ahead and tell it."

"It's pretty simple. When the queen attacked Canterlot, I helped stop her. Celestia was about to banish her to Tartarus, but I stopped her too. Then I did my best to get Chrysalis accepted by some of the more important ponies. I also found them a good food source."

"Oh come on. You can make it more interesting than that. Details, Sir Knight!"

I rolled my eyes and plopped down on the couch on the other side of the desk. Taya hopped on my lap a moment later. The sheriff raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. "I suppose the best place to start is the party at Maris…"

I don't much care for explaining my… feats to people. Occasionally they hear them and expect me to be some kind of hero or something. I'm just lucky, stupid, and really, really smart. I know those two conflict, but you can be smart and stupid at the same time. The luck thing, though, that's the real kicker. Either way, he kept me talking for a good little while. And thus my fame grew again, though honestly I don't know how they hadn't even heard of my existence by then. This place was way the hell out and away from the rest of Equestria, but still!

We were disturbed near the end of my tale by someone bursting through the door. "Sheriff, monsters are approaching!"

We all jerked up. "What kinda monsters?" the sheriff demanded.

"Black, holes all in their body, fangs, bug-shaped ponies!"

"The changelings are here," I said. "About time. Sheriff, go calm your people down. We'll be out momentarily."

He sighed. "Alright. If any of the princess's agents show up and get mad about what you did, you are getting the flak for this, not me." Flak… how do ponies know what that is? Either way, he left the building with the random intruding pony in tow.

I turned to Twilight. "You should go and make sure your friends are calm and not trying to attack Chrysalis, if she actually came in person."

She looked at the changeling in our presence nervously before turning back to me. "Don't go anywhere without me," she said before teleporting away.

"The fuck does that mean?"

"She wants to visit a changeling hive," Taya answered. "I don't know why."

"Because she's fucking Twilight." I turned to the changeling. "I don't think there's a reason for that disguise anymore. Your superiors might say differently, but for now I think honesty might be a good policy."

He sighed and changed back to his proper shape. He stretched his wings, now that he could finally feel them again. "If the queen is angry with me, can you…"

"I'll talk to her, see what I can do. No promises." He nodded.

The wait wasn't all that long. A group of changelings came in and the one at the head—an intelligentsia, I believe—asked, "Where is the dog?"

I looked at the changeling that had been a pony and nodded toward the cellar. He led the group of changelings downstairs. Taya and I went outside to find Chrysalis and all six of the girls—Spike was nowhere to be found—glaring at each other. Or rather, the girls were glaring at Chrysalis. Whatever.

Chrysalis had her back to me. I walked up next to her and stopped at her side. "We're all allies here, even if not friends," I said.

"She's here to steal somepony away!" Rainbow yelled.

"No, she's here to take a prisoner away. And it's not a pony prisoner."

"Well then who is it?" Rarity asked.

"Do you remember the diamond dogs? Because they remember you, Rarity. And they most definitely don't like you. They offered me ten bags of gems to kidnap you, cut your tongue out, and bring you to them." All six of them were shocked and disgusted. "The dog in there is the one that made the offer. He also offered me twenty-five bags to kill Chrysalis. And he assaulted a changeling here in Appaloosa, so he's under Chrysalis's jurisdiction."

"Are you sure that's how it works?" AJ asked. "Seems to me like he deserves some frontier justice for wanting to hurt Rarity here."

Rarity jerked back a bit. "Heavens no, Applejack! Even a ruffian such as himself deserves a fair trial!" She turned to face me and Chrysalis. "And I intend to go with him to see that he gets it!"

"Unacceptable!" Chrysalis and I said at the same time. I nodded to let her go first. She continued, "He is a dangerous criminal. He assaulted one of my changelings and he will be judged for it. I do not need a pony looking over my shoulder making sure it happens! I have been ruling for just as long as your precious princesses. I know how to give a trial." She nodded to me.

"A changeling hive is no place for any pony, let alone one as delicate as you. I took Taya to one once, and I have no desire to bring her to another. They are dark, uncomfortable, and miserable if you're a surface-dweller. You have no place down there."

"So we can hold the trial up here!" Rarity turned to Chrysalis. "It's not that I don't trust you to give him a trial. I don't trust you to give him a _fair _trial."

"_I _will ensure that," I said, crossing my arms. "As a knight I have some kind of responsibilities or powers or something like that. I'm exercising them now. I will deal with this issue, Rarity. Trust me."

She sniffed. "A proper trial needs witnesses!"

"Of which we have two. The changeling that was assaulted and the dog that did the assaulting. Chrysalis is an expert at reading memories. She can find the truth of the matter quickly."

Rarity faltered, there. "But… but how will anypony know if she's telling the truth?"

"How would anyone know a regular witness is telling the truth?" I countered. "I trust her."

There were grumbles among the crowd that had formed around us. The dog came out of the sheriff's office, at this point. He was surrounded by changelings and a female dog that was leading him to our group. The real dog didn't seem to be seeing anything around him, aside from the female dog.

"Sir Navarone has placed his trust in me," Chrysalis said aloud. "Do any of you seek to contest that?" No one met her eyes, though they didn't seem that happy about it. "Bring the prisoner, then. Navarone, join us."

"Taya, stay here with Twilight."

Twilight said, "I'm going with you."

"Like Tartarus you are!" Rainbow said, jumping in front of her. "If you're going, I'm going!"

"And if she's going, I'm going!" AJ said, stepping up to her side.

I stepped in because I knew what was about to happen. "Then it's a good thing Twilight isn't going."

"I want to study one of the hives, Nav. I'll be fine!"

I rubbed the back of my head. "Chrysalis?" I asked, turning to her.

"Twilight and Taya may come. Just them. _You _are responsible for them, Navarone."

"I don't like this," Rainbow grumbled. "Don't do it, Twilight! It's not worth the risk!"

"When else am I going to get to study the changelings?" Twilight asked, a grin forming on her face. "This is gonna be great!"

"Hmph! You better make sure he gets a real trial, Twilight!" Rarity said.

"Of course, Rarity."

"And make sure he's taken care of," Fluttershy said. Forgot she was there, for a moment.

"Don't worry about it, Fluttershy."

"And make sure to have fun!" Pinkie exclaimed, throwing a balloon at her from nowhere. It hit Twilight in the face and flew up into the sky.

"And be safe," Rainbow said.

"I'll be fine. The changelings are allies of Equestria. They wouldn't harm anypony."

"And be sure to get back soon," Applejack added. "You might miss Bloomberg's birthday otherwise!"

"And I sure… wouldn't want that!" Twilight said nervously, giving some shifty eyes. They all bought it, of course. Chrysalis and I rolled our eyes.

"If you are coming, then come. We need to leave now if we wish to get to the hive before nightfall." Twilight teleported away and then teleported back less than fifteen seconds later. She was now wielding a set of saddlebags and an irate dragon.

"I don't wanna go!" he said, still shaking his head.

"You can't always get what you want, Spike," Twilight answered. "I need my number one assistant there to help me take notes!"

Chrysalis sighed. "No time for this." Her horn glowed and her eyes lit up. Spike chose that moment to turn his head—or had his head turned—and caught her gaze. His eyes went dull.

"I… wanna go…" he mumbled.

"Then that's settled," I said. "Let's go."

"How did you do that?" Twilight asked, astonished. "He's heavily resistant to magic!"

"She can explain it on the way. Let's go." The changelings started leading the dog—still heavily entranced—away. Chrysalis and I followed. Taya followed me. After a moment Twilight started following as well, Spike still on her back gazing numbly at Chrysalis.

"So… how did you do that? And when will he be fixed?" Twilight asked when we were outside of town.

"Magic. And I'll release him when we get to the hive. And I'm giving you a choice, Twilight. Blindfold, or let me do to you what I did to him."

"What? What do you mean?"

"I can't just let you know where the hive is. Sure, Celestia knows, but I don't want just anypony knowing."

"But its location is pivotal to my understanding of how you live! If you're near a river—"

"Twilight, give it up. She's not going to let you get anywhere near that place without making sure you can't remember where it is."

"Ugh, fine! I'll take a blindfold! You better not let me trip on anything, Nav."

Chrysalis magicked up a bit of black fabric and flew it over to Twilight, who pulled it out of the air with her own magic. She tied it around her forehead with an exaggerated sigh. "Happy?" she asked, sounding miserable.

"Navarone, make sure she can't see."

I walked up to her and stuck my foot out in front of her, making her trip. "She can't." I helped pick her up and set Spike back on her back.

"That wasn't very nice, Nav!"

"I'm not a very nice person. At least I helped you up. Taya, guide her and make sure she doesn't trip on anything. I need to talk to Chrysalis."

"Not without me you don't!" Twilight said, trying to nose herself up next to me but failing when she stepped in a small pothole and stumbled. I caught her, stopping her from falling.

"I need to talk to her about personal stuff, Twilight. Nothing to do with the dog."

"…Promise?"

"I promise that we won't discuss anything about the dog that I think you need to hear."

"Promise that you won't talk about him at all."

"That's as good as you're going to get. And since you're blindfolded, good luck finding us in the group of changelings."

"Nav, I'm being serious! This is an important thing, you shouldn't decide this yourself!"

"I'm not deciding anything. Chrysalis is the judge, remember?"

"Fine! Do it your way, then! But don't think I won't tell the princess about this!"

"Okay. Taya, watch out for her." I went and caught up with Chrysalis. "Guilty?" I asked.

"Guilty," she confirmed. "He'll make a useful addition to our feeding chambers. His love for his mate is strong." She giggled. "Or rather, it _was_. You and I helped nip that in the bud, though."

That hurt. That hurt a lot. "Anyway… my children. How are they doing?"

"Perfectly well. They are into their larva forms now."

"They? How many are there, exactly?"

"Three. An average size brood, for me. There was one griffin that gave me eight. Now _that _was an interesting labor."

"I don't suppose it would be possible for me to see them while I'm here? Just me, I mean. Not Taya or Twilight or Spike."

"Of course. I assume you didn't tell anypony?"

"Nope." No one but Celestia. "This isn't… something I want getting out."

"What, ashamed of me?" She was smirking.

"I don't think the news would be well-accepted. It's not something I wish to find out. I still can't even believe it's possible!"

"If I could explain it, I would. It is just a curse I have."

"I could definitely see that as a curse… Just raise them right. I don't want a Mordred on my hands."

She looked surprised. "How did you know I named the male Mordred?"

I face-palmed. "Thank God I'm not a prince."

"You know, if you marry Luna you will be…"

"Well, my name's not Arthur. As long as he doesn't show up at my doorstep in twenty years demanding his birthright I'll be happy."

She blinked. "Oh, _that _old tale! My name is not Morgan la Neigh, Navarone. I have all the power I need, now." We walked in silence for a moment. "Although… _I _can give you children, Nav. She never can." I felt her tail brushing against me lightly.

"I'm not even dating Luna anymore. Assuming you have a way to avoid pregnancies in the future, I'll happily fuck you silly when we get some free time."

"My my, what brought _this _happy little change? From the way she described it, you two were practically soul mates!"

"She didn't quite feel the same way about me as I did her. We were adults about it, thankfully. There were a few tears shed, I believe, but she handled it well enough."

"Oooh, so you're free?" I felt her tail actually wrap around me, now. She pulled me a bit closer.

"Something like that, yeah." I set a hand on her side and gently rubbed her carapace. "We'll have time for fun later."

"Or I could take you right here and now. I don't think you could resist me long."

"Why do I always find myself surrounded by dangerous women who want me?"

"Because you wouldn't settle for all the safe mares that wanted you. Or maybe you just like to live on the edge. Either way, I'm not complaining. And I don't hear you complaining either."

"You know my past, or at least a bit of it. I've gotten well-used to not being in control."

"Ooh yes, and how fun it is when you're not."

"Lord, I don't even want to think about it. I'm still tapped out from Luna's Estrus. That was fucking hell."

Chrysalis recoiled a bit. "You voluntarily sat through _her _Estrus? You must not know your history."

"That's what killed it for me. She went too far. I actually sprinted out of her fucking room."

She nodded. "Yes, I remember hearing horror stories about her estrus. It is no surprise to me you could not last. There is no shame in it."

"Yeah, I'm not ashamed at all. It was… it was terrible. But enough about it. What can I expect from this hive?"

"More. Everything that was in the other hive and some. And there are a few electric lights. Not many, but we have some."

"That's good to hear. So will Twilight actually be able to see?"

"A little. There is enough light for outlines, at least."

"Good. Now, can you make us invisible?"

"What? Why?"

"We're being followed. I want to make sure we lose them by the time we turn to throw off the people in town from thinking your hive is this way."

"Followed? Followed by who?"

"Rainbow Dash and Applejack."

"I have a better idea…"

"We can't hurt them."

"Troops, attend me!" All the changelings turned to her. "We are being followed. Two of you turn to lizards and lie in wait here. When they come this way, put them to sleep. _Do not_ harm them."

"Wait!" Twilight said. "I can talk to them!"

"You had your chance," Chrysalis said. "They didn't listen to you. Shows how much trust they put into you, doesn't it?" She turned back to the changelings. "When you put them to sleep, one of you will remain with them until they awaken to make sure they come to no harm. And when they awaken," she smiled darkly, "give them my regards. Now go." Two changelings molded into lizards and the rest of us continued walking.

I fell back a bit so I was walking with Taya and Twilight. "Which pocket is the paper in, Twilight?" I asked.

"Left." I reached in and pulled a bit out. I leaned onto her back to scratch out a short message.

I held it up to Spike. "Chrysalis wants you to send this to Celestia, Spike," I told him. He jerked his head to me.

"Really?" he asked his voice full of wonder.

"Yep. She'd be ever so pleased."

He grabbed the paper with a big grin and sent it away.

I patted Twilight's neck amiably. "There. If anything goes wrong Celestia knows where we're at."

"Thanks, Nav," she said. "I don't expect anything to happen, but just in case…"

"Yep, just in case. Now, do you know a spell to help you see in the dark?"

"I can create light, if that's what you mean. Why?"

"Changelings don't light their caves. They can all see in the dark and when magic is hard to come by…" I shrugged, not that she could see it. "Well, some things are more important than others. And you won't be overly popular if you create light down there. You'll blind all the changelings who aren't used to seeing light."

"Surely they have some lights, though!"

"Yeah, in their buildings. Even then, it's only in their rooms, not in the general layout of the buildings. And please, don't ask to see any of their feeding chambers. I'll bring food to you three while we're down there."

"Nav, I need to see how the changelings feed if I'm to write anything on them."

"Twilight, you don't—watch your step, rock—you don't want to see it. It's horrifying. Taya, tell her."

"He's right," she quietly answered. "It's not worth it."

"Oooh, what would either of you know about science?"

"More than anypony you would know," Chrysalis answered. I didn't even notice her falling back to our little group. "He's the reason we have more lighting than we usually do."

"What do you mean, more lighting than usual?"

"He showed me his world through his mind. The technological wonders. The power his people hold. The wonders of his so-called modern era…"

Twilight scoffed. "Impossible. He told me all about it too. I humored him at the time and it did sound wonderful, but the things he described are impossible without magic."

"He told you about them, you said. But did he _show _you? Did he let you look into his mind?"

"I didn't know it was possible," I answered. "And Twilight never offered. I wouldn't have agreed, either way."

"It isn't legal to do for anypony not in the guard!" Twilight said.

"It isn't?" I asked. I looked to Taya and picked her up. "How did you know that spell?" I whispered.

"I saw Shining Armor use it on you three times. I figured it out from there," she quietly answered.

"Don't use it on anyone else. And hope that Diamond Tiara doesn't figure out that's what you did to her."

"Yes, daddy." I set her back down.

"I'm going to regret opening this conversation up, but what are the differences in changeling magic and unicorn magic?" I asked.

"Style," Chrysalis answered. "We do things differently than the ponies. That's the only difference."

"Are you sure?" Twilight asked. "I remember…" She blushed lightly. "I remember seeing your spell in Navarone's mind. It looked very different from the others but it had the same effect."

"That's what different style _does_," Chrysalis answered in a longsuffering tone. "It makes the same spells look different and cast different."

"How do you know so much about unicorn magic anyway?" Twilight asked.

"Because I helped invent the spells, you twit. And before you ask, no, I won't explain that. I have been alive as long as Celestia. I know a thing or two."

"But… Spike, take note!"

I reached over and poked him. "He's pretty out of it, Twilight. It'll have to wait." I could practically hear her teeth grinding.

"_Fine_," she forced out, her voice dripping with venom. "If you_ helped invent the spells_," she said in a tone that was now full of sarcasm, "why would you change the style?"

"We didn't. Ponies did. You use your magic more than we do, thus your styles evolve more and more as you have differing teachers. You have more spells than we do now, and we do not have another Starswirl to aid us. We make do with what we can loot, what we can steal, and what we can pick from the minds of the unicorns that we capture."

"You know, I'm sure Princess Celestia would send you some top magic teachers if you asked."

I sighed as Chrysalis huffed. "And be forced to give even _more _concessions to that… _princess _of yours? I do not want any ponies in my cities at all, especially those high and mighty university professors! I have agents in the university at Canterlot, even now. They always talk of the arrogance the professors display in the face of the best and brightest Equestria has to offer. I will not listen to them berate and belittle my changelings for living in squalor when squalor is all we have in which to live."

"Then why not send some of your more gifted changelings to the university?"

Chrysalis smiled. "I have. They don't look like changelings, of course. Did you not listen to me mention my agents?"

"I… I thought you meant they were… other kinds of personnel."

I smirked. "What, just because they're black they have to be janitors? That's racist, Twilight!"

"No-no, I didn't mean—Wait, what?"

"Nah, I'm just fucking with you. I know what you meant. Chrysalis, continue."

"I'm done, actually, unless any of you has a question."

"Sure, I'll bite," I said. "How do you get your hair to do that thing with the holes?"

She ran a hoof through her mane. "Skill, mixed with a bit of magic." She shrugged. "I could probably do something similar to your mane if you let it loose."

"Nah, I'm good."

"I would like to see it loose, though…"

I reached around and pulled the rubber band out and shook my head a bit, trying not to throw sweat everywhere—even if it was February, we were still in a desert. My grey hair flew everywhere. "Getting about time to cut it," I said, pulling it away from my face.

Her horn lit up and I felt some of it lift. "Interesting," she whispered. "Full of muted life. This is no ordinary mane."

"Correct. I'm fucking Samson."

"I don't know who that is," she said, still toying lightly with my hair.

"Old story from my world. Not important." Cut my hair and I'll be weak, I believe. I'm not going to let Chrysalis be my Delilah.

"This is all a mess, Navarone," she finally pronounced. "I suggest you find somepony to help you deal with this."

"I'll think about it." No I won't.

"No you won't," Twilight said. "I'll be sure to tell Rarity about the queen's suggestion."

"Now that's just cruel," I commented as I put my hair back up.

"Cruel but necessary," Chrysalis said. "Something must be done with that mess. Most changelings do not have hair, so there are none that specialize in dealing with it. If there were, you would have it fixed at the hive."

"Speaking of the hive, how much longer until we get there?"

She looked around. "Another two hours. For you. I will meet you when you arrive. Honor guard, fall in." With that, she flared her wings and took to the sky. A cadre of changelings followed her and formed up around her as they flew away. Our number now had around seven changelings, me, Twilight, Spike, Taya, and the dog.

"So. Navarone. Tell me what happened with this dog," Twilight said.

"I already told you, I can't. Celestia's order." And thankfully, she actually did give the order this time.

"I think, given current events, that it's pretty important I know what happened."

"Watch out for that hole." She stepped over it. "Honestly, it's not. What happens to the dog does not concern you nor is it your business." We heard a buzzing in the air and a changeling joined our group. "Did the ponies following us put up any resistance?"

"They dropped like a rock. Weren't expecting it at all."

"Good. Thank you." I addressed the head of the pack, "Start heading directly to the hive. We're in the clear." We turned toward the direction Chrysalis had flown off. "Twilight, it's really not something I want to talk about even if I could."

"It's just…" She sighed. "You never talk to us anymore. Any of us. Sure, you're willing to talk about our lives and things we did, but you rarely bring up anything you've done anymore."

"Because I'm not proud of a lot of it. It isn't anything you ponies need to know about. If I had the choice, not even Celestia would know. Besides, I don't like talking about myself. Never have."

"But you don't mind talking to others about themselves."

"No, I don't. Well, I mind it less. I'm not much a fan of talking to people at all, but given my position that's hardly an option."

She sighed, shaking her head. "At least you're willing to tell me that much. What could possibly be so shaming that you aren't willing to tell your friends?"

"I'm not talking about this. I'm sorry. If you truly want to know, ask Celestia."

"Okay, I will." She moved her head from side to side. "Ugh, can you take a note for me?"

"I suppose." I reached into her pack again and pulled out more paper. "What do you want to say?"

"Dear Princess Celestia, Navarone is being an insufferable buffoon again. He refuses to tell me, his friend, what he did with the changelings to make him so depressed and self-centered. He told me that if I wanted to know, I would have to get your permission. Would you kindly allow me this one thing so I may help my friend get better? Your loving student, Twilight Sparkle."

I looked over the note. 'Yo Baby Cakes, Twilight's being herself. Tell her that she can't know what happened with the changelings and the dogs. She won't get off my bloody back about it. Yes, I told her you said I wasn't supposed to say anything. Oh, and we're almost to the changeling hive now. Feel free to start eavesdropping in on me if you want. Your hop on hop off lover, Nav.' Close enough.

"Spike, another message from Chrysalis. Send it on, buddy."

"Wait. Taya, read over it. Make sure it's accurate."

I rolled my eyes and handed it to Taya. She looked over it. "It's paraphrased, but it amounts to the same thing."

"Fine. Send it." I took the note and passed it to Spike. He sent it away.

"So… what's a hop on hop off lover, daddy?"

Twilight face-hoofed. I sighed and explained obscure indie music to Taya as we continued our walk.

"And that's why hipsters are bad people," I finished just as we made it to the entrance to the hive. We had long since gotten the expected answer of no from Celestia. Twilight let off her typical exasperated sigh when she had all of the changelings in the group confirm that it did, in fact, say no. Most of them were drones and couldn't read or talk, but with a hefty dose of quiet moving we managed to convince Twilight that all of the changelings confirmed what I said. And it was true, so I didn't feel bad. "So uh… how do we get down?" I asked.

"I'll go get a crew and the queen," one of the sentients said. He dove down the hole.

"Can I take this blindfold off yet?" Twilight asked.

"No. Wait until Chrysalis tells you to." She sighed again. "You really aren't missing a thing, Twilight. Trust me."

I heard the buzzing of insect wings. I looked over to the hole just in time to see a large group of changelings and Chrysalis bursting from the earth. They flew up for a moment before returning down to our group. "Grab the dog, the dragon, and the ponies," she commanded as she landed in front of me. "Take the dog to processing. The ponies and dragon go to the palace."

"What do you mean, processing?" Twilight demanded.

"That is none of your business." Changelings were already moving to grab everyone mentioned.

"Don't worry, Taya. You'll be fine," I told her.

"I know." It's a shame I wasn't strong enough to carry her for too long anymore.

One of the changelings grabbed Spike and jumped into the hole. The ones carrying Taya followed. And then went Twilight, slightly panicking at having her feet off the ground. The dog went last. Soon it was just me and Chrysalis at the top.

"Straight drop?" I asked.

"Not this time. We've made some changes in our hives after the Diamond Dog episode. Follow closely."

I ran a finger down her side. "Given who I'm following, that doesn't seem like such a bad thing."

She smirked. "It _is _just us two up here. I don't know if the others would mind if we took our time…"

I smiled and jumped in. A moment later she followed me.

I let her zip ahead, since I didn't know the way. We took a few twists and turns and one ridiculously sharp angle before we made it to the cavern, were I found myself stopping short. Chrysalis noticed and joined me as I hung above the massive city. "Mother of God," I whispered. This place was just absolutely massive. It was dotted in sparkling lakes and had huge luminescent mushrooms growing around all the water sources. Gems of all kinds glittered around the ceiling, each letting out a unique shine. Buildings big and small decorated the cavern, each a vast contrast to the blocky buildings in the hive near Ponyville. These buildings had aesthetic appeal, arches and spikes and towers flowing off buildings, connecting the entire city. From where I was I could see crowds of changelings going about their day, actually seeming to converse. A few statues were erected in various courtyards, each with a large plaque beneath them. Hell, there was even a statue of me in one of those places.

I had to do a double take on that one; I wasn't wearing a shirt in it.

"I take it you like my city?" Chrysalis asked, smugness in her voice.

"Hell yes. Much better than that depressing place we went to before. There's actually light here, with the mushrooms. And there are a few electric lights." Not many of them. It took me a second to notice that some of the courtyards were lit up.

"That depressing place was meant as a temporary mining and observing hive. Only later was it reconstructed as a true home. The other pods were much nicer, but you didn't get a chance to see them."

"Shame. So, straight down?"

"No. They're en route to the royal palace. Probably already there by now. Shall we?"

"Lead the way." She started off again and I followed her, still looking around the city. It was around the size of Canterlot, I believe. I couldn't tell what color almost anything was, as my night vision made everything black and white, but it was still nice. I wouldn't be surprised if it was all black and green anyway.

We landed in a courtyard next to a massive building that looked like it went all the way to the ceiling of the cavern. "Spare no expenses, eh?" I asked when we landed. I saw that all the others were in the courtyard already, save for the dog. "Twilight, feel free to take the blindfold off."

"Ugh, finally!" Her horn lit up and the thing came off her face. "Oh ha ha, Nav." She couldn't see a thing. "Now, how about you let Spike go?"

Chrysalis's horn lit up and Spike jerked. "Huh? Where am—" He looked around. "Oh dear Celestia… This. Place. Is. AWESOME!" He hopped off Twilight's back and ran over to the statue.

"Spike? Come back, I can't see!"

I laid a hand on Twilight's head. "I got you, don't worry. Taya, come on over, the way is clear." She walked toward my voice. I stopped her with a hand when she got to me. Wait… "Twilight, cast the spell that lets you see what I see." Her horn lit up for a moment and she gasped.

"Look around, Nav." I did. She had her eyes closed, probably trying to focus only on what I could see. She shuddered when I moved my head quickly. "So disorienting. Go slow." I slowed down a bit, still looking around.

"Whenever you're ready," Chrysalis said in a bored voice. I jerked my head her way before I could help it and Twilight groaned.

"Spike, come on back," I called. He sighed and plodded back to the group. I turned back to the queen. "Well, do you have anything planned for us?"

She barked a laugh. "No. I was in the middle of something when one of my agents showed up saying you were requesting my presence. She explained the situation or I never would have been able to get away. I can have somepony give you a tour of the city, but it will have to be without me. I have to return to managing my kingdom. You are welcome to stay as long as you desire, but I can't promise it will be all that entertaining."

"Do you have any libraries?" Twilight asked.

Chrysalis gave her a rather 'what the fuck' look. "We live underground in near permanent darkness. Most changelings can't even _read_, let alone write. We don't have the materials to make paper or the time to waste writing books or the space to waste storing them. So no, we don't have any libraries."

"Well sor-_ry_," Twilight muttered.

Chrysalis turned back to me. "Do I need to get her a muzzle? Or maybe a leash?"

"She'll behave," I answered, patting Twilight on the head. I got a glare in my general direction for my efforts. "I would like to see more of the city before we leave, and there's still that matter we discussed before," meaning my children, "so if you could give us some kind of guide that would be awesome."

"Of course, Nav. I'll have rooms drawn up for you as well. It will have to be the same style as you had last time, though; guest rooms are few and far between in changeling cities."

"Fair enough. Just make sure we have a spare bed. I actually need sleep this time."

"I'll see what I can do. Your guide will arrive here shortly. Do not wander far."

She didn't give us a chance to answer, just melted away in a green fire. Twilight flinched when she saw it.

"Twilight, you want a more complete view of the city?"

"What do you mean?"

"I fly over it and you watch through my eyes."

"Uh. Sure."

"Can I come too?" Spike asked before I could take off.

I slung him over a shoulder. It's somewhat surprising that he's still so light. I took off, gaining air as quickly as possible. "Feels so good to get a proper stretch in," I commented as we rose. "Train cars are so confining."

"They're fine for me," Spike answered.

"Yeah, you're smaller than I am. When you get to be my size and when you get your wings you'll know what I'm talking about."

"And won't that be a fun—Oh wow!" I got to where we could see the city again.

"Take it all in. Ain't no telling if we'll be able to come back up here." I cast my gaze around, trying to give Twilight as much of a view as possible.

"This place is so cool! How long do we get to stay here?"

"Few days at the most. I know I'm welcome to fucking move here." I pointed my statue out to him. "The changelings quite like me."

"Is that… you?"

"Yep. I had no idea they were building that, but there it is. Apparently I'm a hero here."

"Well, you're a hero in Equestria too, but you don't have any statues!"

"Yeah, but there are plenty of other heroes in Equestria, of several races. Here, they don't have nearly as many. And I'm the only one here with a statue that isn't a changeling." He looked around and saw that it was true. "I hope the changelings here don't treat me any differently than the ones at the other hive."

"How did they treat you?"

"With indifference. It was nice."

"I think I'd rather be treated as a hero than indifferently."

"That's because you're not used to being treated as a freak. Remember Egypt? And then Israel?"

"Oh yeah…" Before he could say anything else I let my wings furl a bit and dove down, holding onto him tightly. I caught myself from hitting the ground a few feet about Twilight and lowered myself to the ground gently. Spike hopped down with a clicking of clawed feet on stone.

"Get a good view?" I asked.

She magically shoved paper and a quill in Spike's hands. "Yes. Now, take note…" She droned on about something or another. I didn't pay attention enough to remember what she said.

I want to say she was winding down when the guide got there half an hour later, but it sounded like she was just getting started. Spike had already gone through several papers, each magically dried and carefully pressed into Twilight's saddlebags. I don't know why she has such an insatiable urge to study every little thing, but I suppose that's just who she is.

I had to poke her a few times to get her attention to tell her the guide was here. Given that she couldn't see him, I could understand that, but still. _Wait… Taya said they had glowing eyes_. So I guess Twilight really is just bad at noticing things when she gets like that.

"So, what can we expect from the tour?" I asked the guide. I couldn't tell if it was a girl or a guy and I really didn't care.

"You can expect to be shown the hive," it answered in a voice feminine enough for me to assume it was a chick.

"Well, that was a useless answer. Lead the way."

"Ask a stupid question and you'll get a stupid answer, Nav," the guide answered.

"…Doppel?"

"The very same. What, can't you tell?"

"No. All you lower ranked changelings look the same to me. Pheromones?"

She nodded. "That's how we tell each other apart."

"Spike, write that down!" Twilight interjected.

"Phero… How do you even spell that?" Twilight gave an exasperated groan and used her magic to rip the paper out of Spike's hands. She thrust it at me and apparently used my eyes to hold the quill so she could write the word with magic. She then pushed it back at him.

"You could use Spike for that."

"I tried! You're less resistant to magic than he is. Now… Doppel, what can you tell me about the pheromones?"

Doppel gave Twilight an incredulous look. "They exist. We use them as identifiers. What more do you want?"

"Is it a smell? A feeling? Do you have a sense beyond the normal five? How do you detect them?"

"What's a smell?"

I said, "You ever been near a body after it's been sitting out for too long and it's rotting?"

"Yeah."

"Did you feel something in your nose that was unpleasant?"

"No. Nothing different about a rotting body than a live one, other than us not being able to use the rotting ones for food."

"Interesting," Twilight muttered. "Spike, write that down. Changelings have no sense of smell."

Doppel turned to me. "So what's a smell?"

"It's a sensation in your nose when you detect airborne something something that something something. Can we get on with the tour?"

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, if we must. Do you want to see anything in particular before we do get started?"

"Nav's statue!" Spike said

"I really don't know if I want to get up close and personal with that thing," I commented.

Twilight smirked. "What, afraid of getting too much attention from all the adoring fans that notice you look very similar to the statue?"

"Doppel, will that be a problem?"

"You'll get more attention here than you will at Epsilon, but that's not saying much. Changelings are, for the most part, pragmatic and down to earth. Most of us don't hero worship."

"Most?"

She grinned. "You'll be fine. I'll be sure to throw the statue on the list of things to show you. Now come on, this is a big city." She started leading us into a corridor.

"So why haven't we seen any other changelings yet?" Twilight asked.

"Because this is a courtyard in the royal palace. Not many changelings come here. We don't have many guards or a large standing army since we have so few enemies or predators underground. The only hives with large military presences are to the north, near the griffin territories."

"And there's no crime?" Twilight asked.

"None. Ever."

"That's impossible! Even Canterlot has _some _crime."

"Then I guess that's something we have up on ponies," Doppel answered in a smug voice.

"Think about it, Twilight," I said. "Any criminal in a place like this is probably going to be found nearly instantly. And if they identify each other with pheromones, there's probably no way to block them. It's likely that a crime scene would be hot for days after the crime happened. Crime can't really exist in an environment like that."

"So you think it's more a physical impossibility rather than a cultural difference?" Twilight asked.

"I wouldn't say impossibility. And I'm sure culture would play a big part in it as well. Why would they need to steal if all they need to survive is emotion and they don't have any strong desires? A drone doesn't have many thoughts beyond 'do what I'm told.' Intelligentsia have no need for crime, since they're well provided for anyway. Sentients are the only ones that might need to do something illegal, but when you were raised with the singular motive of serving the hive, you wouldn't know that crime is ever an option."

"Sounds… interesting," Twilight said. "Spike, write that down."

He looked at her with a funny look before he remembered that she couldn't see it. "I don't know how to spell several of those words."

"Ugh! Nav, you are now promoted to temporary assistant."

"Pass. You know I can't write without something hard to write on. I don't know how Spike does it."

"By not writing too hard," he answered. "That and the paper she gets is usually pretty thick."

"Eh, whatever. Either way, I can't write your notes for you."

"Yeah, but I can use your eyes to do it."

"Whatever floats your boat. Just know that I'm going to be checking out the sites. Not every day that we get to be the first ever extra-changeling race allowed peacefully into their capital."

"Not _that _impressive," Twilight muttered. In a louder voice, she continued, "I prefer Canterlot."

"Well, nothing's keeping you here," I said. "I'm sure Chrysalis would be happy to send you packing."

"No, it's my duty as a scholar to archive as much as possible about anything undocumented. The changelings have always been a poorly understood race. Quite like the naga. It's amazing how you have such a habit for finding races like them and getting in close with them. This will be the third species I've been able to study that you've gotten me access to!" Cats and naga being the other two, of course.

"Luck. And how interesting is it that I've also had sex with all three of them. If you come to the Maris party, you might have a chance to talk with dragons. If any of them would be interested, that is."

"Would any of them?"

"Psh, no. The only thing that I learned from the dragon chick I met is that Spike will be glad that he's fire resistant if he ever starts fucking one."

Twilight gasped at that. "Nav, don't you talk that way in front of him!"

Spike said, "Twilight, I'm as old as you, if not older."

"That's ridiculous! You're ten years younger than I am."

"No," he countered. "Dragons age differently. I learned that during the Dragon Migration." I should point out that he's actually as tall as she is now.

"Then why—"

"There are better times for this conversation," I broke in. Doppel was watching with every sign of amusement, and we were finally where other changelings could see us. And we were getting a whole lot of looks. I saw a few lips being licked as they eyed Twilight and Taya. "Spike, guide Twilight. Taya, stay by my side. Doppel, make sure they know why we're here."

Doppel stepped forward a bit. "Citizens of Alpha Hive, listen well and spread the word: This is a small delegation from Equestria. Sir Navarone and his squire Spike the dragon, assistant Twilight Sparkle, and his daughter Taya."

"Assistant?" Twilight muttered darkly, glaring at me.

"Squire?" Spike also added before looking at me as well. I let my shrug encompass them both.

Doppel was continuing: "The queen expects them to be treated with respect. It is not every day we get visitors to the hives, after all."

One changeling stepped forward from the small crowd around us. "Can we feed off them?" he asked, eying a shrinking Twilight.

"No," Doppel answered. "Sir Navarone is the reason we _have _food. You are not going to harm him or any of his dependents." The changeling that asked bowed his head for a second before backing into the crowd.

Another stepped forward. "Are the rumors about you true?" she asked, looking at me.

"I just got here," I answered. "I don't know what rumors about me exist."

"That you slept with our queen. That you led the vanguard against the Diamond Dogs. That you are the reason we have electricity."

Oh wow. Rumors that are actually true. "I didn't lead the attack."

"But you planned it," the changeling said.

"Yes, I did." The changeling nodded and backed into the crowd as the other one had.

"What attack?" Twilight asked, confused. I ignored her. The changeling crowd around us began to disperse and Doppel continued. "Nav, what attack?"

"Nothing, Twilight."

"It's not nothing! What happened?"

"Remember that note from the princess? I am not allowed to discuss it."

"You just did, with that changeling!"

"What Celestia ordered was that I not explain to those I am not comfortable explaining it to."

"You… you can explain to a random… _changeling_," that word had extra venom, "but not to your best friend?"

Best might be pushing it. "Yes," I answered.

"That doesn't make any sense, Nav!"

"I can imagine. Doppel, how far are we from wherever we're going?"

"Not too far," she answered, looking back with a smirk.

"This isn't over, Nav!" Twilight promised me. _Just keep telling yourself that._ "And it isn't over for you either, Spike!" I imagine he was thinking much the same.

Doppel said, "Ah, I can just taste the tension in the air. You are always so filling to be around, Nav. I can't even remember the last time I was hungry, ever since we met."

"Maybe my human memories are just more vivid."

"They most definitely are. Pony memories taste stale, hardly worth eating."

"Spike, write that down!" He muttered something dark and did as Twilight said. "So how _do _changelings taste?"

"I don't know, I've never eaten one," Doppel said.

Twilight let out a frustrated sound. "Twilight, you're such an easy target," I commented, poking her gently on the side. She practically growled at me. Doppel and I giggled, which just did wonders for Twilight's mood. She was nearly steaming by the time we got to the first place Doppel brought us to.

"This is a repository of learning," Doppel said as we walked up the steps. I had a hand on Twilight, carefully guiding her up. Taya was on her back. Spike was walking next to me. "We don't have books, but we have to teach our children trades somehow. They learn here, in a relatively safe environment."

"How do they learn without books?" Twilight asked. To her, that was nearly blasphemy.

"Through experience. We have tradeschangelings come in and teach practical skills. Masonry, the occasional carpentry skills, mining—though most of that is done in the field—magic, building, basic combat, how to use disguises and hide among different societies, and various other skills are taught. Students are given a background in every skill and are guided down the correct path for them—or occasionally pushed down a needed path in times of hardship."

"Do changelings have any kind of cutie mark?" Twilight asked.

"Remember the pheromones? As a changeling starts down an occupational path, they begin to take on identifiers of that path. Certain… smells, you would say. Every changeling is different, but two miners have more similar pheromones than a miner and a mason."

"You said you occasionally force them down paths," I said. "What does that do to their pheromones?"

"They pick up the identifier of what they became, not what they wanted to become. A changeling forced into mining would identify as a miner. What about you, Navarone? Do you have any kind of identification?"

"Nope. Humans don't get anything physical like that. We can get ink tattoos, but we pick them. We can also wear different clothes to identify status, but anyone can put on a suit. Some jobs have uniforms, but when you get home you remove it." I shrugged. "It's nice, not having anything forcing you down one path or another."

Twilight sniffed. "It's hardly _forcing _anypony, if it's something they'll love."

"And humans are vastly different from ponies," I said. "I couldn't imagine doing something all my life, even if it was something I loved. Especially now that I'll have such a long life."

"Sounds to me like you're just afraid of commitment," Twilight slyly commented.

"How long is this fucking staircase?" I asked, getting tired of this.

"Well, it would help if you two had been walking instead of talking," Spike said. He was standing at the top, a few steps ahead of us. His hands were on his hips and he was glaring back at us. Doppel just giggled as she walked up to the columns aligning the front of the building. I guided Twilight up the rest of the way and looked back down. There weren't even ten steps behind us. _What the fuck?_

I just shook my head as Taya hopped down and we began following Doppel again. "So how many kids does this place teach?" I asked.

"There aren't any goats in the hive," Doppel answered.

"How many fucking changelings, then?"

"None of our teachers have sex with the students."

"Fine, fuck it. I didn't care anyway."

"All of the foals of the hive come here, Nav," she said. "This building is large. We won't visit all of it. Queen Chrysalis just mentioned that your friend likes magic, so I thought I would show her one of our magic classes. One of the teachers might be there, even if none of the students are."

"Why not just come back when there are students learning?" Twilight asked.

"We might. But now you know where the building is, and can come back whenever you desire." Doppel continued leading the way down relatively dark halls. The inside of this building reminded me of the office building thing we entered in the hive near Ponyville. Twilight tried looking in some of the open doors, but wasn't able to see anything but the occasional set of glowing eyes watching us. I saw a few smaller changelings with the regular sized ones. I assumed they were students staying behind to talk with their teachers.

Doppel finally stopped outside one door. I didn't see anything different about this one from any others, but maybe it was a pheromone thing. She knocked, waited a second, and then pushed the door open. It sounded like she whispered something to the changeling inside. A moment later she beckoned us inside. I gave Twilight a gentle push so she knew she could enter. I followed her, with Taya behind me. Spike shrugged before joining us inside.

There was a teacher there with two students. "You are here for a demonstration, Sir Navarone?" the teacher asked.

"If it wouldn't be too much trouble," I answered. "Would you mind if we lit the room up a bit? My friend is less able to see in the dark than I."

The teacher looked to Twilight. "Why would you even enter these caves without being able to see?"

"To learn! And I didn't think it would be that much of a problem…"

He shook his head. "Create light if you must. It would be interesting to see how a unicorn did it." Her horn lit up and a small globe of light lifted from it and settled near the center of the room. Twilight looked around, finally able to see.

"A few tables, a small dueling range, a few crystals…" She turned back to the teacher. "How do you teach without any kind of paper? Or proper tools? You don't even have… What?"

The teacher was giving Doppel an "Are you fucking kidding me?" look. He turned back to Twilight. "We teach practical magic. Not many changelings are able to use spells. For those that can, we don't teach wasteful practices such as those you use. We need to conserve their energy as much as possible so they can benefit our society rather than hinder it by using more resources."

Twilight looked aghast. "_Wasteful_? I'll have you know that I performed that spell flawlessly!"

The teacher stomped a hoof down and turned to one of his students. "Show her."

Twilight's light turned sickly green. I blinked and watched the student harder. Her horn was barely letting off any light at all. With the sound of shattering glass, the light tore itself to pieces.

"Impossible!" Twilight uttered, completely shocked.

"Not impossible," the teacher answered. "Hard, yes. But with all the excess magic you poured into that spell, it was easy enough for any half-trained student to tear it apart using itself."

I didn't understand a word of that. I did, however, know where this was going. I nudged Spike with my foot and jerked my head toward the door. He nodded and we silently backed out. We walked back the way we came a bit. We stayed within sight of the door, but we couldn't hear anything being said and they couldn't hear us. He sank to the floor with a sigh. I joined him there. It was a shame neither of us could lean against the wall, but with his tail and my wings it was impossible.

"So how did we get here, anyway?" he asked. "I don't remember the walk at all for some reason."

"You were… reluctant to come. Chrysalis did something to your head."

"That sucks. But at least this place isn't so bad. What kinda food do they have here?"

"The hive we went to before had mushrooms."

"…And?"

"Mushrooms. That was pretty much it. They might have some gems, but I don't know if they'd give them to you."

He sighed and kicked at the ground. "Why are we even here? Twilight never said."

"I am here because I had to escort a prisoner that attacked a changeling. I also didn't want to stay in Appaloosa."

"That place wasn't so bad. I know _I _liked it."

"That's just because the buffalo respect dragons." Fear is more like it, probably. In a place as flat as where the buffalo live, I imagine a single dragon could probably take out whole tribes with no problem. They'd have nowhere to run or hide. When they first met Spike, they met him after accidentally kidnapping him. They probably thought his parents—large dragons—would come by looking for him and destroy the tribe. By treating him well they hoped he would tell the parents that it was an accident and get them to spare the tribe. Of course, that's speculation, but it seems likely to me. "If you're me, and so vastly different, I imagine meeting the buffalo would not have been enjoyable."

He shrugged. "Braeburn sure seemed to like you."

"I'm not gay. I'd prefer not to deal with his advances. Hopefully he got the message." If not, I was going to make sure he understood—assuming I had to deal with him again, that is. "Anyway, I'll do my best to get you three out of these caves as soon as I can. I know you and Taya don't want to be down here."

"What about you?"

"I love the changelings, man. They're awesome. I'd rather be down here than in Appaloosa."

"If you say so…"

The door to the room we left Twilight in banged open. It was already open, it just opened the rest of the way with a loud boom that reverberated down the halls. Twilight stalked out with a nasty expression on her face. Taya followed her, looking her normal relatively ambivalent self. Oddly enough, none of the other changelings looked out at the noise.

Twilight looked up and down the halls, not being able to see a thing. "Where are you two?" she demanded.

"Should we?" I whispered to Spike.

He sighed and stood. "Down here," he called. Twilight began trotting to us, looking even more unhappy. Taya followed, a bit more subdued.

"And just what were you two doing?" Twilight snapped.

"Just chilling," I answered. "Are we moving on with the tour already?"

"Yes! Now lead the way out of this infernal building."

I looked to Taya. "Two passwords."

"Bacon, watch, password."

"Alright." I knelt down next to her and whispered, "New word is illegal." I stood up. "Come on. I suppose Doppel can find us on the front steps."

"That insufferable mare?" Twilight asked, her voice dangerously icy. "I'd rather be led around by a… a hydra!"

"Yeah, she can be annoying at times. But at least we're being led around and we aren't being eaten." She just hmphed and didn't say anything.

When we got to the entrance, there was a relatively small hydra waiting for us. "I heard this form would be preferable," Doppel's voice said, coming from three mouths at once.

"Yeah, that's creepy as fuck," I said. "What's next on the tour?"

"The feeding chambers are closest," the hydra said. "And I suppose you are all likely hungry. I don't know how long non-changelings can go without food."

"Can you really wander around the hive like that?" I asked.

"Well, I could. It wouldn't be a good idea, but I certainly could. I have a lazier idea, though." She shrunk to a very small version of herself. Her itty bitty wings flapped and she flew up and landed on my head. "Onward, trusty steed!"

I reached up to my head and grabbed her. With a gentle tug I pulled her free and moved her in front of my face. "What was that?"

She smiled sheepishly. "Uh, please?" I set her back on my head and she casually sprawled all over it. "Now then, shall we?"

Twilight didn't look overly amused at her antics. I lifted Taya up to put on Twilight's back, but a purple light shone in front of Twilight and she began walking down the stairs. I set Taya down with a shrug.

"Next time, make it a red light," I said when we were at the bottom. "That screws with night vision considerably less."

She hmphed again.

"Just because you aren't as good at magic as you thought is no reason to act like a cunt. Use it as motivation to get better or something."

I think she actually growled at me. I smiled and patted her on the head before walking on down the path.

I didn't really describe this place well, so I suppose I should go ahead and do so for those of us who aren't lucky enough to have visited Alpha. The primary mode of changeling transportation is flying, as they all have wings. Most buildings had several entrances that weren't connected to any kind of path, though every building had at least one entrance that someone without wings could get to. The reasoning for this was that some changelings become crippled or something and can't use their wings. So there were walkways and stairwells all around the hive, each leading to and from several buildings. Most of them were in the air, above the ground floor. The entire place felt like a hive from Warhammer 40k without all the technology and Emperor worship. It was certainly dark enough to be one; even with the mushrooms and the few electrical lights, I had to guide Twilight and Taya along.

Right now we were on a very high path. It was a pretty awesome place, all things told.

The guide on my head pointed us down the path. I took the lead and we started off yet again. We got several more looks than we had before, but most of those watching us cut their gaze off when they noticed Doppel perched on my head.

When we finally got to the feeding chamber, I stopped and turned to Twilight. "You don't want to see this," I said.

"How bad could it be?" she asked, brushing past me. She casually flung the doors open with magic and sauntered inside.

I gently shook my head and followed, Taya and Spike right behind me. We found Twilight standing just inside the door, gaping in horror at the site before us. This room was fully lit with electrical lights, giving everyone a clear view of what kind of hells awaited inside.

I looked around and saw the sadness mixed with love etched onto the faces of the ponies in the cells, as well as the ambivalent looks the changelings in disguise gave them. I heard the wailing as some changelings walked away from cages. I saw as some ponies tried ramming into the cell walls, only to be uselessly repelled.

I nodded. "Yep." With that, Taya and I continued walking through the large room. Twilight had sunk to her belly, her legs unable to hold her. Spike was just looking on in horror. We left them like that.

"Should we just… leave her there?" Taya asked when we were out of earshot.

"Oh God no. I just want Twilight to get kicked out of the hive for making a scene. This is the easiest way to do it."

"Aren't you worried about her hurting anyone?"

As if on cue, we heard a small explosion behind us. I pulled Doppel off my head and put her on Taya's. "Here, hold this." I slipped my ring on and shot back off behind us.

Twilight was shooting fire at one of the cells, trying to melt the lock. I saw part of the floor was blackened where she had tried to explode it already. What she didn't seem to realize was that these cages were very powerfully magic proofed; after all, they have to keep violently in love unicorns inside.

All the changelings in the room were rushing away, those that weren't already outside. Spike was pulling Twilight's tail, trying to get her to stop. Most of the prisoners were screaming. I grinned as I ran down the hall. _I live for this shit._

When I got close enough for Twilight to see me coming, I leapt into the air, slid my ring off while I was flying, and landed dead on her back, sliding the ring over her horn as I landed. As soon as I got settled—less than a second, after my past rodeo instincts came back—I slid the crossbow off my shoulders and had the strap in her mouth as a bit. I pulled her head back as she tried to fight. That caused her to rear back to try to knock me off, but Twilight never really was much of a physical pony. I had her under control in less than a minute.

And she was pissed. I could practically feel the waves of anger dripping off her. Spike had backed away, he was so afraid. "Now, when I take this bit out of your mouth, what are you going to do?"

I wasn't really expecting an answer.

"She is going to thank me for my benevolence and give my people an apology," Chrysalis's voice said as she serenely walked up to our group, glaring at Twilight. "I give the ponies one chance to send me a visitor, and this is what happens. How disappointing." She looked up to me, her eyes softening. "Thank you for stopping her, Nav. Once again you have my thanks." Her glare returned as she looked back down to Twilight. "Well?"

I let the bit slide out. "You're a monster! Evil! How could you do this to anypony?"

"Because we need to eat. Because your princess deemed the crimes these ponies committed worth giving them to us. Because their cries of suffering amuse me. Yes, to you I am evil. You could even call me a monster. But I don't care. You are no longer welcome in my caves, Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight stomped a hoof down. "I refuse to leave anypony like this. If you want me gone, you'll have to force me out!"

Chrysalis's gaze moved to Spike. "You. Send a message to your princess. Detail what happened. Let us ask _her _opinion, shall we?"

Twilight turned to Spike. "Do it. We both know the princess couldn't have allowed _this_!" She then turned her head back to look at me. "And get off me."

"Coulda said please," I muttered as I slipped off her. She didn't say anything to that, which was probably a good thing.

Spike finished writing his note and blew it away. A moment later we received a reply. Twilight ripped it from his hands—with a hoof, somehow—and quickly read over it. Her face fell before turning bright red, her anger returning. "Princess, how could you?" she whispered.

Chrysalis used magic to tug the paper from Twilight's hoof. She read over it with a triumphant grin. She looked up to Twilight. "It's a good thing you didn't unpack." She turned to Doppel. "Go get some drones. They will take Twilight Sparkle back to the surface and you will lead them to that no-account pony town." Doppel bowed and cantered off, finally returning to her normal size.

"What about me?" Spike asked.

"You are welcome to stay or leave. Same for you, child," she said to Taya.

"Taya needs to stay with her teacher. Might as well get something done this week. Spike, that's your call."

"I'm not leaving Spike down here!" Twilight said, finally coming to her senses.

I looked at her and raised an eyebrow before turning to him. "Spike?"

"As cool as this place is, I think I'd prefer Appaloosa."

I shrugged. "Your choice. I'll stay down here for a little while. I have business to take care of."

"And what kind of business could you _possibly _have?" Twilight demanded.

Chrysalis ahemmed. "The dog, perhaps?" she answered. "Or did you forget what happened with him in your haste to assault my changelings?"

"I didn't—"

"You _did_," Chrysalis butt in. "At least one injury was reported. And we still haven't perfected feeding times yet, so several changelings will have their meal times delayed now. We usually do our best to give our prisoners at least eight hours of sleep, and their sleep schedules will be affected. For this one action, you have injured at least one changeling, delayed the schedules of several more, and put a large dent on the hive's efficiency. All because you could not control yourself. And Celestia spoke such highly of you back when I was in Canterlot. She must be so disappointed."

Twilight flinched at that. If there was anything she hated, it was disappointing Celestia. I don't know why; I mean, I've gotten fairly used to that. Maybe I don't care as much because to me she's more of a friend than a mentor/mother figure/teacher/goddess. Although now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I saw Twilight's mother at the wedding.

"But I…" Twilight slumped, trying to find words. "I just… How can I make it right?"

"By leaving my hive." As if on cue, we heard the buzzing of changeling wings. Chrysalis turned to them. "Remove these three," she commanded. I pulled the ring off Twilight's horn as the changelings surrounded her.

"Be safe, Taya," I said as two of them gently lifted her. She silently waved as they took her away. I saw a few tears dropping from Twilight as some of them flew her away.


	54. Chapter Fifty-Two

Chapter Fifty-Two—I fucking hate bugs

When they were gone, I turned to Chrysalis. "Well alright then. I assume you have something planned?"

"For today, no. Again, I am busy. It will not be until tomorrow that you will have a chance to see your children." Her horn lit up and a small bag appeared. She passed it to me. "You have free run of the city. The laws are common sense. Ask any changeling for directions if you need them. When you tire, return to the palace. Do you have any questions?"

"Is there any place where sunlight filters through? I might need some of that eventually."

"No, there's not. There are, however, guards posted at the tunnel to the surface. Ask any of them and one will escort you to the top."

"Awesome. Thanks, Chrysalis."

She smirked. "No problem, Nav. It is the least I can do after what you have done for us. Now, I have a kingdom to continue running. Hopefully this will be the last distraction of the day." She disappeared in a flash of green fire again. I looked around the room and saw that a few changelings were returning. I then checked the bag she gave me and saw that it had chunks of iron in it. I shrugged and pocketed it.

With that done, I started toward the door. I didn't know where anything in particular was and I knew there weren't any signs, so I was just going to wander around for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

I hate everything.

I hate you, I hate ponies, I hate changelings, and I especially hate giant motherfucking ants.

I loaded the last bolt from my quiver and took aim. With a gentle twitch of the trigger, the bolt flew true and crunched into the skull of another ant in the swarm attacking the hive, dropping it and providing a mere obstacle to the insane number of ants right behind that one. I sighed as I dropped the crossbow and pulled my axe out yet again. It was already covered in gore, sticky ant juices all along it. I wasn't much better, all things told; my entire body was covered in a mix of changeling blood and ant goo. There was a little bit of red human blood here and there, where a few ants got too close with their serrated pincers.

Oh, they weren't actually out to get me. I didn't even register as an enemy to them. That said, I also wasn't an obstacle to them. They'd casually run me over without a thought in the world. Or if they were attacking a changeling that was a little too close to me, their pincers wouldn't be greedy in who they hit.

"There is no more falling back!" Ditto called out as he flew above the mass of changelings guarding the building. "This is our nursery, where we store our larva. We will fight to the last changeling. We _will _hold out until the queen arrives. Use magic only on large bundles. Give Navarone plenty of room to swing that monster. Do not let any of them past this line. In her name!"

There was no cheering. The only sound was the clacking of the ants as they marched inexorably on. And the screams from other parts of the hive, of course. The battle had been raging for nearly three hours now.

My day had been going so well. I was just chilling, wandering around the hive, seeing all sorts of cool sites. And then the screaming started. I flew up a bit and looked around until I saw a tidal wave of chittering insects crashing over the city, pouring out of a few side tunnels. From there, I fought with several groups of changelings. Often, I fought until I was the last survivor. Normally, my fighting style—hah, yeah right—wouldn't do me any good, but to an enemy that doesn't see you and fights as a swarm? Swinging randomly does wonders.

I hefted the axe in my hands as I watched the tide of ants grow closer. There was no shifting or twitching in the ranks around me, even though none of these changelings here were actually soldiers. The few soldiers alpha hive had were guarding the food halls and the queen as she flew around the city, doing her thing. Apparently, all changelings can double as militia when the hive is threatened. And thus, the group that was mostly behind me were random changelings, remnants of past battles all gathered together in one spot to defend the future of the hive.

I popped my neck. "Let's do this." At that queue, the ants were among us. I swung my axe, bisecting the head of the first one. It dropped, trying to drag my axe with it. With a small grunt I pulled it out. _Gotta sharpen this damn thing_. I removed the side legs of one of the ants beside me, immobilizing it for the changelings to further dismantle.

I took a small moment to look around before jumping into the air, letting my wings carry me over the ants in front of me. I landed on the back of one of the ants further behind the front lines. I swung the axe into its skull, leaving it for dead. I jumped off its back and onto another one, repeating the process. I kept that up, hammering at the ranks of those in the back before they could get to the front, trying to hinder the movements of other ants as they rushed to the changeling lines.

When the blade of my axe got too dull to slam into the exoskeletons, I started using the spike at the end of it to impale them. It didn't do nearly as much damage, but it was usually enough to kill most of them.

"THE ANTENNAE!" I heard a voice scream out. "GO FOR THE ANTENNAE!"

I eyed the axe and dropped it, letting it bounce off the back of the ants. I drew my knife and started hacking away at the giant antennas of the ants around the one I was standing on. As soon as I cut them off, the ants started going wild, attacking all those nearby. I grinned as I started doing that, just cutting antennas off left and right and letting the ant hordes kill themselves off.

When the knife was pulled from my hands by a rampaging ant, I just found an ant that I hadn't fucked up yet and started pulling on his antennas. I found that I could control it by pulling left to make it go left and right to make it go right. If I pulled on both its pincers would snap. With that, I started seriously having fun.

Well, up until every single ant in the hive just stopped moving completely.

I was having the time of my life, riding a giant ant and causing it to kill other giant ants, when suddenly the one I was on jerked to a standstill, surprising me and getting me to nearly tumble off. "What the hell?" I asked aloud. It was then that I noticed how close I was to the changeling lines. I warily stood up and jumped from ant to ant back to the lines, doing my best to keep balance. "What happened?" I asked when I was sitting on the head of the ant closest to the lines.

"Their queen is dead," a random changeling answered.

"So, what, we win? Awesome." I jumped down from the head and started combing over the bodies, looking for my weapons. A changeling passed me my crossbow, but I found that it was pretty banged up and the string was broken. I slung it over my shoulder and kept looking. I found my axe faintly glittering under a dead ant and managed to push the ant up enough to pull the axe out. With a grimace I put it back in its loop on my back and shuddered at the feeling of the slime running down my back. The knife was the hardest to find; it was embedded in the thorax of an ant near the front lines.

By the time I got all the weapons back, the queen had arrived to our little last stand area. She was looking over the field of casualties—both ants and changelings aplenty were dead. When she saw me jumping back, she let out a small smile before turning back to her people. She was giving a small speech that I was too far away to hear. I could have flown back, but I think my wings were too covered in nastiness to do much in the way of flying. When I made it back to the lines, her speech was done.

I sat on the back of an ant as she approached me. I would have stood, but I was feeling really tired. "I see you had fun," she commented as she looked over my body and weapons.

"Not my definition of fun, actually," I replied. "I need a bath and a few bandages. And then I need a bed. I don't even know where my small bag of clothes is… they could be anywhere, honestly." I don't remember where I was when I dropped them. It was only a week's worth, so it really wasn't a big deal.

"If they're found I'll get them to you. But their blood is poisonous, Nav. If you are injured, you likely need healing."

"I'm relatively immune to most poisons, but I won't say no to healing. Do what you can." Her horn lit up and gently touched me. I shivered as I felt my wounds close.

"There. Again, it is the least I can do. You didn't have to stay here and help fight. Especially since the ants didn't even seem to notice you, apparently."

I shrugged. "Gotta earn my keep somehow. And after what Twilight did today, I figured earning some goodwill for Equestria wouldn't be looked down upon."

Her grin returned. "I think we both know you set her up. But yes, your help was appreciated. If there is anything I can ever do for you, just let me know."

I stretched a bit, showing off my wings. "Point me to a bath. I need to get this grime off me. And then find me a bed."

She nodded. "You'll find both in the palace. Can you get there yourself? I have things to take care of here and elsewhere in the hive. I may have killed the queen, but there are still plenty of ants left alive that need to be removed."

I looked around. "Yeah, I can find the palace. Getting there will be another story; I don't think I can really fly right now. I'll do what I can."

"No. Stay here." She walked off to her escort. A moment later, three changelings flew up to me. Two of them grabbed my arms and gently lifted me off the ant I was sitting on. They casually carried me to the palace and dropped me off right at the entrance. One of them stayed and walked me inside while the other two flew back off. Not a word was said by any of the three of them.

The one that walked me inside showed me to a large room. With a salute, he walked to the end of the hall and jumped out a hole there and flew away. I shrugged and walked into the room. I quickly found a bathroom and began washing.

Of course, changelings don't have hot water or towels, apparently. I suppose they don't need either of them when they have carapaces that they can turn feelings off on and that they can just shake dry. Still, it felt nice to get clean, even if I did have to wrap a blanket around myself for decency.

I was running a whetstone down my axe—even with that, I was still probably going to have to have it repaired by a professional when I got back—when Chrysalis returned. She walked on in like she owned the place. Which, all things told, was fair—after all, she did own the place. I looked up and nodded when she walked in.

"Good to see you looking clean," she said before using magic to throw a bag at me. I caught it and saw that it was my bag of clothes. "You won't be getting any of your bolts back, I fear, but at least we were able to return those."

"Thanks. How bad were the casualties?"

She grimaced. "It wasn't good. We are not unused to monsters roaming in from the deep, but it is rare to have such a large assault. Very rare…" She sighed. "It could have been worse." She reached up to her head and pulled the crown off before setting it on a dresser—it was an empty dresser; I checked them all earlier and they were all empty. "I don't suppose you could give me a bit of a massage to help me relieve some of this stress?"

"I'll do what I can, but you'd probably be better off getting a professional to do it."

"There are no professional masseurs here." She walked over to the bed and plopped down on it with a deep sigh. I shrugged and gently sat on her back, noting as I did that I still wasn't wearing pants. _Not like she cares._ I began gently rubbing her body, doing my best to find hard areas and wear them down. I didn't know much about massaging, but I have done it in the past for some ponies. This was hardly any different.

I didn't realize it at the time, but when I look back I honestly wonder how I massaged through her carapace. This world, man...

When I was finished, she was actually asleep. I sighed and pushed her over a bit before lying down on the other side of the bed. As an afterthought I grabbed a pair of pants and threw the blanket over her before joining her in sleep.

As it turns out, it was a good thing I put on pants. I woke up being cuddled by a bug queen, her fore hooves on my crotch. I twitched my wings a bit and felt around to find that I was pretty well stuck. I could get out of bed, but I'd probably wake her up doing it. I gave a small shrug and just settled back down, letting myself try to sleep again.

I would kind of like to know what it is about ponies and cuddling against me, though. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Cadance, Luna, Sunshine, and now Chrysalis all seem to enjoy it. It was kind of awkward.

…even if it did feel nice, being held.

I was slipping in and out of consciousness when she woke up half an hour later. I didn't move, just waited to see what she would do. She jerked when she felt me, but then sighed and pulled away. She walked to a door on the side of the room and entered it. I looked up and saw that it led to another bedroom. The door quietly shut before I could see anything else.

I stood up and put on a shirt. I noticed that her crown was still on my dresser. I shrugged and grabbed my axe and continued sharpening it. Even if I couldn't get all the kinks out, I'd rather have it ready to be used than too dull to cut with in case something _else _happened while I was in the hive. When I finished with the axe I started on the knife. I wouldn't be able to use the crossbow until I got a new string and some bolts, so I didn't bother doing too much to it aside from cleaning it. I quickly finished shining up the knife and slipped that into a sheath that I then slipped around my belt. I stood, stretched, and slipped the axe belt around my back.

I then grabbed the crown and gently knocked on the door between the rooms. The door opened a few seconds later, encased in a green glow. I entered and saw her brushing her hair with magic. I held up the crown. "Think you might have forgotten something."

She turned to face me. "Yes, I was wondering where that went off to. Thank you." It floated from my hands to her head. "Today is the day you get to meet the larvae you helped protect." She stood. "Now, the larvae are a little bit different from us changelings. They aren't exactly sentient, though some are more intelligent than others. Your children will probably take a year more to develop into changelings. After I show you to the nursery, I will have to go and attend to business. I fear this attack will leave me busy for some time."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Not without understanding local politics and all manner of administrative issues. Your kind of work ended yesterday when the ants were destroyed. The work of the administrators begins now. You are welcome to stay in the hive; everything should be back to relative normality by tomorrow."

I blinked. "How? You had to have lost several hundred changelings dead and possibly had thousands injured."

"We are pragmatic. Yes, there were losses. Yes, the losses were high. But the hive doesn't stop because a few workers are missing. We rebuild and carry on. And if you look outside, you'll find that most of the damage is already gone." She pointed me to a window. I walked over to it and looked out. The streets were once again immaculate. All the ants and bodies were gone.

"Simply amazing," I whispered. It's a shame the changelings were practically mindless. If they could accomplish this and have normal freedoms and mental capacities, it would be beyond amazing. I turned back to her. "And there will be no hits in morale?"

"Oh, there will be. But something like this could not have been expected or foreseen. Yes, we have the ability to occasionally catch raids before they happen, but it is impossible to always know when something is going to happen. There will be hits in morale, but it will fade. We all do our parts. Me just being seen today going about my business like nothing happened will be a nice boost. Of course, that won't be able to last long." She shrugged. "You are welcome to accompany me about my day, if you desire, but I assure you that you will likely be bored."

"It would probably be a bad idea if I did join you. There might be some that see me as a spy for Celestia. It might hinder their abilities to speak freely if they thought they were being judged by a foreign power."

"True enough, I suppose. Most wouldn't care, but there are a few that might. I suppose you being seen might be a boost to morale as well. Especially given your role in the guarding of the nursery. According to Ditto, you made quite the figure."

"I have my uses. I'm glad that I was able to help." And even more glad that I didn't get badly hurt doing it. "I hardly consider myself the hero of the day, though. I just happened to have a small advantage that I abused rather heavily. From what I heard, you were the one that killed the queen."

"That I was. We used to be friends, me and her. It is a shame it came to this." She shrugged. "Such is the life of those that live under the surface." She was silent for a moment. "Come, it is time to visit the nursery." She brushed past me to the door and we both entered the hall. She started off down to the end of the hall, toward a hole in the wall. "Tell me, how long do you think you will stay here?"

"At least until tomorrow, unless something happens and I'm needed for longer or I need to leave sooner."

She nodded. "It is a shame to see you leave, but I understand the life of responsibilities. You are always welcome back, and before you leave I will get you a list of changeling spies in Ponyville in case you ever need their assistance."

"Not to be shared, I assume?"

She nodded. "Of course not." With that, she jumped out the hole. I followed her, easily keeping up with her sedate pace. Now that I was outside, I could tell that the repair efforts hadn't gone as well as I thought. Most of the damage was gone, but there was still some scoring in places, both black marks from fire and gouges from sharp ant legs.

"So why did they even attack?" I asked as we flew.

"Jealousy. Food, perhaps. What one has, another wants. Now that we finally got ahead in life, perhaps they figured it was their chance to do the same, even if it meant taking from those that were once friends." She sighed. "I promised them aid, when we got back on our hooves. I suppose the promise of aid wasn't as appealing as the idea of taking from us." She shrugged—no easy feat, for someone flying—and added, "I suppose this is better for us, in the long run. We no longer have to pay to assist them."

"But you lose a friend and an ally."

"A friend and ally easily swayed against us and relatively easily beaten. Ants are good for cannon fodder, even if they are big and murderous. They have to be relatively close to their queen for the link to work well. When she dies, well, they become useless. We managed to lead the surviving ants away with some of the queen's body parts. We left them in the darkness, where they will stand guard until they die of starvation. At least most changelings have enough independent thought to act without the hive."

"Still, a shame it had to happen. When we get done here, I would like to talk with Ditto, if possible. I saw things yesterday that bear discussion."

"That will be possible. I do have a meeting with him after this is done. You can come with me and I can leave you with him. I assume you have ideas for the defense of the hive?"

"Aye. Changeling combat in general, really." We finally made it to the nursery. A few nearby changelings bowed as the queen landed. We entered with little other fanfare. "So are all of the larvae stored in the same place? I don't know much about this stuff."

"Larvae are stored here in the nursery. Here they are tested for intelligence, general strength, magic abilities, and a few other things. They are also raised until childhood here. When they become children, they are usually given back to their parents, unless a class of parents gives birth to a child that belongs elsewhere. A drone should not raise a sentient, after all. A parent can come to visit their larva at any time. They are distinguishable by pheromones, so there is little chance of a parent finding the wrong child."

"Are larvae actually sapient? Do they remember anything?"

"No, though that is debated. It is commonly believed that what happens to a changeling in the larval stage is lost."

"Similar to our lives as babies, then. Most of us don't remember much of our early lives either. Though we're mammals and don't have a larva stage."

"I remember, from what you showed me of your world." She shivered a bit. "Your birthing process is so nasty. I suppose that's what happens in a male dominated world."

"I've never seen a pony give birth, so I can't really comment on the differences." And I don't want to see that, either.

Chrysalis led us right past a front desk with no one in it and down a hall. There were a few signs, but I didn't take time to read them.

"So are there no caretakers?" I asked.

"There are. You helped some of them defend this place yesterday. But just the same, some of them were torn apart. I suppose larva is especially tender, and that queen did love her comforts." More information than I wanted to know. "Most of them are helping with the recovery efforts. Larva generally need little watching."

She stopped at a random room and gently opened the door with magic. She led the way inside. I followed. Inside were a bunch of black worm things. Large black worm things. "Uh…" Three of them started inching over to us.

Chrysalis smiled at that. "They know me," she said.

"So these are larva?" I asked, nudging one very gently with my foot. It squished in a bit and then tried to curl around my foot before I backed away.

"Yes. There is not much to them. They require very little care, and can generally just be left alone. Drones usually sit in one place while not being stimulated, while sentients and intelligentsia tend to explore."

"Like giant maggots. So these three are mine…" I knelt down and poked one. "I don't see the resemblance."

"I didn't figure you would. Come, there is nothing else for us to see here." I stood as she started back off to the door. We started away without a backward glance. _I feel like a bad person for just leaving them… But it's probably for the best. _"Well?" she asked. "You are one of the only fathers in a while that I have been able to introduce to his larva."

"I don't know. I mean, I kind of expected it to be… different. They were worms, plain and simple." Meeting your children is supposed to be some kind of life changing experience, right? Well, what if your children are worms? Or maybe it's just that I'm sociopathic. I don't guess it matters. I might see them again when they're older, I might not. "How long should they live?"

"The average changeling life span is around forty years, but now that we have more food I expect that to rocket up. My children usually live longer anyway, around three hundred or so years. Between the two of us, there's no telling how long they'll live."

"Well, I suppose that means I'll have a chance to meet them later. So, on to the meeting with Ditto?"

"Yes. Then more business for me and you can have your little play date."

"Assuming he has time."

"For you, he will. Especially if it's about improving combat efficiency."

"My suggestions might help. I don't know the full extent of changeling capabilities, so I will have to find out what I can." She was walking a bit quicker now, and we got to an exit in good time. We were quickly on our way to another part of the hive. There was no small talk on the way to our next destination. She set down in a hole near the top of the building. I joined her there a bit awkwardly; the holes in the side weren't designed for someone like me. She smirked a bit at my landing, but didn't comment. The silence lasted all the way to the meeting room.

Ditto and two random changelings were already waiting there. They nodded to the queen and ignored me. I casually toyed with my knife as they spoke on something or another. I wasn't really paying attention. I could have continued my weapon maintenance, but I figured I would likely distract the people here that actually had a job to do.

It didn't take long for their meeting to end and for Chrysalis to exit the room, leaving me with Ditto and the two unimportant guys. I put the dagger up and walked to the table, holding my hands behind my back. "I have some issues with how the city was defended yesterday," I said. I didn't get an answer, just stares. "I admit to not knowing much about changeling abilities, but I have seen two of you turn into dragons and one of you turn into a manticore. I know you don't get the strengths of the monsters when you do that, but surely you still have sharp teeth or claws. Why, then, do you stay in your own shape when there are shapes considerably better for fighting?"

"Without practice, the other bodies are relatively worthless," Ditto answered.

"I'll concede that point for the civilians. But I fought with a few groups of soldiers yesterday, and they stayed in their own shapes as well, rather than transforming. What is the point of having the ability to change into a fearsome monster if you don't use it? And since most civilians don't get practice fighting anyway, would they not be about as useful in a different, more fearsome shape than they would in their regular bodies?" The three of them shared looks before turning to me and nodding. "Another point: Very few of the changelings utilized their wings or their horns. Yes, I know that not all of you can do magic. But you have large, sharp objects on your head that are otherwise useless. If I had a choice of potentially losing a pointy thing on my head by stabbing something with it versus dying, I'd take the stabbing option. But in all honesty, that probably could have been avoided by having your changelings flying above the ants and dropping shit on top of them. You could have had a brigade of changelings evacuating the food ponies, the larva, and anyone else that couldn't fly while other groups harried the enemies from the air by dropping boulders or spikes on them. What I saw happening yesterday was like something attacking a pony city: No coordination at all. If attacks like these are semi-regular, why aren't the civilians trained in emergency procedures? And why was there no warning system to let the hive know there were enemies coming?"

"Our outlying drones were not found from the tunnel the ants came from. We assume they are dead. Training the civilians in emergency procedures is a solid idea, as is training them in rudimentary shifting for combat. Our actual soldiers will be trained better to fight in different forms, and will be encouraged to experiment. However, given that our army is mostly drones, it is hard to get them to have any initiative. We can train them to fight when they shift, but without an order or a cue it is unlikely they will do so automatically."

"Whenever the hive is attacked, sound an alarm or a siren. Train the drones to shift when they hear that siren. And you should also give your groups of drones orders to defend certain parts of the city, if they don't have someone in charge of them telling them where to go. The last ditch defense of the nursery should not have been done by civilians. I suggest having three sentients in charge of fifteen drones, so they can react as a large group or break off into smaller groups as needed. There is plenty of redundancy in case one of the sentients dies. Reward your troops for coming up with interesting solutions to hard training problems, if you have any kind of training exercises."

Ditto nodded again. "Tell me, how do you know about war? I thought you were not a soldier in your world."

"I wasn't. I just picked some stuff up. I'm a predator and I'm good at thinking, so some of it just feels like common sense. You'll have to let me know how some of what I suggest works out for you. And if any of it doesn't make sense to you, either ask the queen or just don't try to integrate it."

"We will attempt some of your ideas. How do your people react in times of war?"

"Depends on the person. Everyone is different. There is no word I could say to describe everyone's opinion of it. I will say that, as a whole, we take to war like nothing you've ever seen. At any point in time, you'd be more likely to find a few nations at war than you would to find the world at peace. There's always fighting somewhere, you just have to find it. Doesn't mean everyone likes it, though. Some people live for it, some people despise it, some people just do their best to ignore it. I never liked killing or fighting, but I also never really did anything to protest it. Now that I'm forced into the role of kill or be killed, I find that I really don't like it. That said, I know it's necessary sometimes. Some things just need to die. Do you changelings ever feel moral dilemmas like that?"

"I have not. If the queen says go to war, we go to war. If an enemy attacks the hive, we eliminate the enemy. That is our lot in life, or at least it is my lot. I do not know how the civilians feel. It is not my job to understand them."

"Sounds to me like you have a nice setup. I wouldn't mind not being able to think about it, but at the same time I like having uses outside of war. If my entire life was devoted to fighting I think I would get depressed."

"Is there anything more you needed, Sir Navarone? We have much to do after the attack and planning the new defense ideas."

"That's all I needed. Thanks for hearing me out." They nodded again and I left the room, quietly whistling an old song. I jumped out the hole in the side of the building and just drifted over the city, thinking of something to do.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was lonely. The only changeling I could really talk to was Chrysalis, and she was busy. There was also Doppel, but she was kind of a bitch. To be fair, I was kind of an asshole, but I didn't feel like putting up with her. Hell, that's assuming I could even find her. Most changelings look alike to me. I could assume she was somewhere in the palace, but it would still be like trying to find the cross dresser in the women's basketball game.

"Guess I should head back soon," I muttered. I knew I was welcome to stay longer, but why, if I was having no fun?

Seeing nothing else to do, I landed at the school and quietly entered. It was mostly empty the first day, but now it was much earlier in the day. Classes were in session and lights were on all over the school. I quietly padded through the halls, occasionally looking in some of the open doors. I didn't try to interrupt any classes, as I had no idea what most of them were. I got a few stares from kids in the classes, but no one said anything. There was no one walking the halls, so I kind of hope I wasn't doing something I wasn't supposed to.

All was going well until I got to the end of a hall and peeked inside a door. I saw several groups of changelings sparring. I nodded and started to look for a staircase when I heard, "Sir Navarone!" ring out from the room. I turned back in and saw one of the larger changelings at the door.

"Yes?" I asked.

"It is not often we get a natural bipedal in our caves. Would you be willing to help with a demonstration?"

"Depends. What would it entail?"

"Just a friendly sparring match. We usually don't do much damage, so there is little danger to you."

"I'm not really much of a fighter… but I suppose if it will help your students, I will do what I can." I followed him into the room and pulled my axe off and set it on a table. My dagger joined it. "So what do you need me to do?"

"For now, just stand there." He turned back to his students, who had all stopped sparring and were looking at us. "This is a biped. Notice how his weight is distributed between two legs. He can react quicker than most quadrupeds, but he has fewer areas to move to. It is generally possible to tell which side of his body he favors by how he holds himself. Right now, most of his weight is on his right foot. If I were to suddenly attack, there is a good chance he would move right to evade." Actually, I would move backwards. "Bipeds will almost always have a height advantage over you, but they do not always have strength over you. I don't know how strong on average Sir Navarone's species is, so I cannot judge what he is like. But just because they are stronger does not mean they are better fighters. They have a center of gravity we can easily reach by bucking. Get them on their back and they are relatively helpless."

"Not always," I broke in.

"Yes, not always. Another thing I'm sure that many of you noticed is that he carries weapons." He waved a hoof at the table with my axe and dagger. "That is a severe disadvantage for those of us without magic. That said, none of them have magic either. If you run into a biped with weapons and you do not have a mage available, do not despair. Though we lack swords or axes, hooves are very powerful weapons with a small connecting area. A lot of force can be pushed into one area, enough to break bones and incapacitate anything." He looked to me for confirmation.

"Yeah. A few years ago, I got kicked in the jaw by a pony. Shattered all my teeth and almost broke my jaw. Hurt like a bitch."

"And we changelings also have teeth we can use as weapons, if it comes down to that. Pony teeth are mostly flat, but we have fangs. If an enemy is bobbing too much to buck, try biting them. You might lose a tooth or two, but it's better to lose teeth than your life."

"Or you could try stabbing them with your horn. Or hell, turn into a manticore or hydra and rip them apart."

The instructor turned to me. "What?"

"You're changelings. You can turn into other critters. That means you can turn into something with more natural weapons and use that body to fight. Hell, if you start training now you can probably get fighting as a predator down pretty quickly."

"We follow the training regimen provided by high command. Continuing on, there are several ways to attempt to bring down a biped. Most involve taking out the legs first. Another option is going for the crotch, where they keep their reproductive organs. That brings extreme pain." Damn right it does. He stepped closer to me and used a hoof to point to my crotch. "Aim your kick here. When your opponent goes down, leave him down and continue finding opponents. The swarm behind you will pick up the enemy wounded and drag them back to the hive for processing." Doesn't that sound ominous? He turned to me. "Now, how about a sparring match?"

"Do I get any kind of weapons?"

"We'll vary it up. We have a stock of wooden weapons to practice with."

I stretched my arms out and started popping fingers. A few changelings flinched when they heard all the pops. When I finished I said, "Bring it on."

He nodded a changeling off to a large chest. He walked over to it, threw it open, rooted around, and threw a shield and mace at me. I guess the mace was more of a club, but eh. I hefted them both and turned to the instructor. "Who's my partner?"

"You can only learn so much from a teacher." He turned to his students. One of them raised a hoof. The teacher nodded to him. "Do be careful, both of you. That may be wood, but it's still dangerous." I nodded as I squared up against the changeling. I thought this one was a mare, but I wasn't certain. I held the mace and shield loosely, just watching.

One thing came to my mind before he started the match. "Can any of these students use magic?" I asked.

"Yes. Are you ready?"

I slipped the shield off, reached into my pocket, and slipped my ring on. With that I picked the shield back up. "Aye, I'm ready."

"Begin," he simply said.

The changeling flew at me so fast I barely saw her. My shield raised just in time to catch her blow. She bounced off the shield and tried to circle to my left. I raised the mace and backed off a bit, giving myself room to swing. She jumped in, tracking me and trying to make sure I didn't have room to swing. I grinned a bit at that and slammed my shield on her, knocking her over. I went to swing my mace at her while she was down but her legs shot up and I barely shot back in time to avoid a crotch full of pain.

"Feisty, eh?" She didn't answer. I tried shifting my shield, to see if she would take some bait. She shifted as well, matching me. I grinned and took a step back. She stepped in just as I slammed forward and knocked her over with the shield yet again.

"Fell for the same trick!" the teacher said. She shook her head, trying to clear it. She didn't realize that I was a few steps away until the mace went flying at her skull and clanged against it, knocking her to the floor again. The instructor nodded. "Never forget one clear advantage bipeds have with weapons," he said as one of the changelings checked on the girl. "They can throw them at you. Next partner."

I had more weapons shoved into my hand as the shield was taken away. Two daggers. I grinned and fell into a fighting stance as the next changeling took its position.

"Hold," the instructor called. "Look at him, how he fell into position as soon as he touched the weapons. That's a sign of experience. Be careful. Now, begin."

This changeling was more hesitant. He waited for me to make the first move. I began by circling, trying to see what he would do. He matched my circle, going the opposite way. I took a few slow steps inward, trying to bait him into attacking.

"BOO MOTHERFUCKER!" He jumped so high I thought he would hit the roof. By the time he recovered I already had the knives at his throat.

When the instructor stopped laughing he said, "That's a dirty tactic, but it works perfectly fine. If you think your opponent is easily spooked, shouting is a good way to unnerve them. Now, I think that warrants a rematch."

I grinned and backed away to a safe starting point. The instructor nodded for us to begin again. I stood at ease, waiting for him to make a move. When he did nothing I casually walked closer, not even in a fighting stance.

When I got close enough I dropped into a fighting stance. He still hadn't moved. "Come at me, bro," I finally said.

He came at me, but it was in a manner totally unbecoming of a bro: He tried to take out my shins. I leapt over him and caught him in the back with a kick. He spun to face me and jumped back as a knife went whistling by him. I spun it in my grip and shot it back, trying to catch him again. Once again he ducked. I came at him with my other knife and he jumped back. I stabbed straight at him and he jumped again. This continued until he hit the wall. He grinned and jumped, kicking off the wall and aiming both forelegs at my face. I barely dodged, but didn't dodge his back hooves as they slammed into my head. I reeled, holding onto the wall to steady myself. It's a good thing he was unbalanced when he fell or I likely would have gone down.

As it was, I recovered in time to literally catch him as he sprung at me again. His eyes shifted to pinpricks when he realized that I was holding him. "Buddy, you lose," I said. My knife met his throat and that was that. I set him down.

"Who can tell me what went wrong?" the instructor asked.

"Sir Navarone was a lot stronger than he thought," one of the changelings said.

"Correct. He also recovered faster. If the student had not been as surprised when he was caught, there was a chance he could have broken free. Now, next partner."

My lovely daggers were taken away and I was given a spear. I swung it about a bit while the next changeling came up. I finally settled for holding the shaft against my back, letting the point stick out to the side. It's hard to describe, but just trust me when I say that it probably looked stupid. The instructor nodded and the changeling fucking leapt across the room at me, flying using its wings.

Thankfully, it was slow enough that I was able to bat it out of the air. The poor changeling flew at the wall with a nasty crunch. "Oh shit!"

"He's fine," the instructor said, nodding for two students to check on him. They poked at him for a few seconds before turning to the instructor and nodding. "Yeah, he'll be just fine. Be more careful, though." He turned to the class. "Now you know why you don't blindly charge a biped with a long weapon. Next!"

This time I was given a bastard sword. I gripped it with one hand and rolled my shoulders as my next opponent readied herself. I held up a hand for a moment, pulled my shirt off, and threw it on the table with my weapons. A few more rounds and I'd probably start sweating, and I didn't want that all over my shirt. Of course, taking my shirt off meant I exposed all the knife belts, but eh. None of them commented, at least. I nodded when I was ready. "Begin."

The changeling turned into a giant ant. I grinned as she took one step forward and fell. "Not used to six legs, eh?" I walked around her as she tried to turn to face me. Right before I could 'kill' her, she changed into a hydra and swatted me back. One of her heads darted in while the others just sat there, not moving. I jumped to the right, expecting one of the other heads to dart in. None did. She turned to face me with the one head. "Not used to several heads, either." I saw her flinch when I spoke. With that, I yelled out as loud as I could, causing her entire body to draw back. She couldn't tell which head the sound was coming from. Moving seemed to cause her more distress as seeing the motion from several eyes kicked in. I easily poked her in the chest with the sword.

With a sigh, she changed back. "Now it should be obvious what she did wrong," he said aloud. "She tried using shapes she was not familiar with. _Some _differences do not matter to changelings. Height differences and shape distances are natural for us. But adding more or fewer legs and adding different senses takes time for us to get used to. You are welcome to attempt to fight as a different shape, but unless you have practiced in that shape the chances of doing well are low. Now, we have time for one more bout."

My sword was taken away and nothing was given to me. I shrugged and slammed my fists together, grinning a bit. The changeling that squared up to me smiled at my confidence.

"Begin." The changeling's horn glowed. Nothing happened. He looked shocked. I walked to him as his horn glowed brighter and brighter.

When I finally got to him, I knelt down and gently picked him up. "I lose?" he quietly asked.

"I'm afraid so." He sighed and I gave him a conciliatory pat on the head before putting him back down. I looked up. "The last lesson is that your opponent can always surprise you."

"Well, that wasn't supposed to be the last lesson," the teacher said as his student returned to the others. "But all things told that was probably better. Thank you for your assistance."

"No problem. Just don't use any of that shit against me. What you said about crotch shots is true. You need anything else while I'm here?"

"No." I shrugged and grabbed my weapons and shirt. I walked out without putting anything on. I did my best to get stuff on as I walked down the hall. When all my weapons were situated I removed the ring.

Well, I just got to beat up children. Doesn't that make me feel good? At least it killed a few minutes.

When I got to the end of another hall, I got stopped by another professor. "Sir Navarone, you wouldn't happen to be busy, would you?" He sounded… bookish, for some reason.

"I am not. What do you need?"

He grinned. "Would you happen to be interested in helping me teach a lesson?"

"Sure. What do you need?"

"Come in, come in." I followed him inside. "I was talking to a good friend of mine at the palace. Doppel, her name is. She mentioned that you had very vivid… memories." I looked around the room and saw a few restrained ponies and some very small changelings. "In this class, we teach the youngest of the changelings how to extract emotions from unwilling sources. It is easier for some than for others. While we do have a relatively sedate source of food for now, it is still good for them to know how to steal emotions. For that, we use ponies that have been allowed to lose their love poisoned status." I bet that's confusing as hell for them. "But that is too hard for some changelings to learn from. I remember Doppel mentioning your control when it comes to memories and was hoping you could help me train some of these students."

"I can try."

"Excellent! Now, let me first taste the emotion you are going to let them use so I know it is acceptable." I knelt down and he moved his head toward mine. I thought of Taya. "Yes, this will do nicely. Now, try to hide it." And it was gone. "Intriguing… She wasn't lying! Oh, if only I had you for a few hours… Slowly bring it to the forefront."

"That's kinda hard to do, man. I'll try." I did my best.

"That should be fine," he commented as he backed away. "Now, come forward you three!"

Three tiny changelings stepped up, getting closer to me. They actually managed to somehow look cute.

"You're awfully tall," one of them said.

"Yep. So which of you wants to try eating my memories first?" The three changelings looked at each other before the two on the sides pushed the middle one at me. I gently picked her up and set her on my head. "Whenever you're ready."

I felt something tiny enter my mind. I bottled everything up for her. "Nothing's happening," she said.

I showed her a memory. Nothing much, just a bit to whet her appetite. That done, I hid it away again. "Most ponies aren't as good at hiding things as I am," I said. "Their minds are ordered differently. I don't really understand it, myself, but apparently I can hide emotions and memories very well. So start looking."

"I… I don't know how."

"Well, a dog can't teach a cat to climb trees. What about it, teach?"

He stepped in and knelt down to my head. I felt him enter as well. "Now, just follow my lead," he said.

…I didn't realize how dirty that sounded until I wrote it.

Anyway, I essentially did for those little changeling foals or whatever they were called what I did for Shining Armor. That said, I went a lot easier on them and didn't give them anything involving sex. I also wasn't evil to them. I mean, they were little kids. Reminded me of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, in a way. Except these kids were trying to steal my emotions and leave me a drained husk rather than cut my toes off. I think I preferred these kids to the ponies, all things told.

I left that classroom feeling a lot better than I did when I walked in. I successfully managed to help the girls become more able to devour emotions from unwilling subjects. When I left, they were happily feeding from a pony that was looking at me with tears in his eyes, trying to silently beg me for help. I smiled and waved to him as I left.

God, I'm an asshole.

I managed to escape the school without getting caught up by anyone else. That was only somewhat unfortunate. For one, I didn't have anything else to do. For another, I had already been in a few fights and got my mind sucked on. So I was feeling a bit tired there as I was flying over the city again.

I did kind of want to help with the reconstruction of the city, but I knew that I would just end up getting in the way. Besides, most of the damage was finally gone. It looked like the workers had been busy while I was with the kids.

Lacking anything else to do and since I already had as much of a view of the city as I really wanted, I decided to head on back to the palace. While I was in the air, I noticed that I didn't see nearly as many changelings out and about as I usually did. That was understandable, given what had just happened, but I still wondered where they all were. Maybe even changelings have work they have to keep up with.

I made good time to the castle, at least. I landed at the front entrance, since I didn't know offhand which floor I was staying on. I did, however, remember the route the guard led me on the day before. I traced our steps and quickly made it to my room. I took my axe belt off and removed my shirt, stretching my wings as it hit the floor. "So damn stuffy in this cave," I sighed. I guess that's what happens when it's under a desert, but I still expected it to be cool. I mean, all the other caves I visited felt nice. Even the one under Cairo felt good.

Of course, it might just have been the room that I was in. It was the room of the consort, after all. I wouldn't be surprised if it was kept warm to facilitate sex or something. Either way, I know it felt good to go without a shirt.

I sat on the bed and pulled my damaged crossbow over. I knew I couldn't fully repair it without supplies, but I could fiddle with it and make sure the damage wasn't more severe than I thought.

It didn't take me long to do that, so eventually I started writing again.

I was at that for a while before Chrysalis slammed the door open. "I need to get laid," she groaned.

"Uh…"

As I was trying to think of something else to say, she slumped down on my bed and curled into a bug pony ball. "Idiots! Incompetents! None of them know how to think, they all require permission! No initiative at all! I try to make them all sound appealing to you and the ponies, but the truth is they're all practically worthless!"

"Well, that's what happens when you breed them for obedience."

She sighed. "I know. I just want a… I want a stallion that I can't order around. One that can make me feel like a mare." She sniffed. "Not one that constantly asks if he's hurting me or if he's doing well." She sighed yet again. "I suppose I might as well ask for an army of independent changelings while I'm at it."

What the fuck are you supposed to say to that?

I walked over to the bed and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm not a stallion. But you can't order me around, you know I can make you feel like a mare, and I don't need to ask if you're doing well because I can hear by the moans."

I felt her shift a bit in my arms. "You don't love me, but…" She sighed. "I never wanted to be queen," she whispered into me. I just silently began stroking her hair. "I was the only one left, after so long… I slowly fell into the role. I was just a midwife. We all knew about him, but none of us ever expected he would come after us. One day… one day he got bored, I suppose. I never understood why he did what he did. But he came after us. I was the last… trying to protect two children. They escaped, in the end… I didn't." I had and have no idea what she was talking about. "I was a midwife. I delivered bouncing, happy foals… and now I'm queen of monstrosities. We devour emotion, steal happiness and love. Have to… have to feed the hive."

This is getting kind of dark, man. And it didn't help that my leg was really starting to itch. "What you've done in the past doesn't have to define you. It is never too late to change, Chrissy. It's hard. I know it's hard. But it is possible. And if it would make you feel better, it's worth it. Perhaps the best epitaph that could be given is that you fixed your own mistakes. I believe in you. It will be hard, but it will be worth it."

She was silent for a while. "I just want to be happy again," she finally said.

"If what you're doing makes you unhappy, continuing to do it won't ever make you happy. Something needs to be changed. I don't know what, but something about you needs to be changed."

"Can you… help me?"

"Of course. What are friends for, after all?"

I had no idea what I was in for when I agreed to do that.

A word from your loving Discord

What Chrysalis said was only half of the story. I was in China, having fun, when the wretched alicorns declared war on me. Yes, I was causing chaos. Yes, there was some misery involved. Yes, I might have been the cause of the duckbill platypuses.

Wait, what I was—Oh yes. Alicorns. They truly are spoilsports. Just because I was being mean to a few of them was no reason for all of them to attack me like that.

So, being the nice kinda guy I am, I teleported to the largest alicorn city in the world and started having fun. I would poke one and it would suddenly turn into three: an earth pony, a pegasus, and a unicorn. Then I would poke another and it would morph, all the love and joy inside turned into hunger and hate as it warped into a changeling. I would poke another and it would go mad, turning on its fellows. There were other effects, of course, but those were some of the highlights.

The early changelings were little more than mindless animals. They swarmed blindly and devoured the purported 'endless' love of the alicorns.

Heh heh… That love wasn't very endless.

Especially when it came to me.

Anyway, I had fun destroying the alicorn society. They tried using their magic on me but it never worked. I had a stronger will than any of them.

All too soon though, it was over. I had run very low on alicorns. There were plenty of other kinds of ponies running around now, but alicorns were scarce.

Of course, when you're a guy like me, scarce doesn't mean much. I cast my gaze around and found three very fun little alicorns.

One was a midwife, barren and unable to have children. She hated herself for her barrenness and was willing to give anything to hear the wailing of her own children, as she delivered them for others.

One was a student, studying healing magic under that midwife. She was too young to even have a cutie mark, but was considered a prodigy of sorts.

One was a mother in labor, not long for that world. With the news of my arrival and destruction, the midwife and student were clumsy.

When I arrived, the mother was dead and a child was born. I showed up with a horde of changelings behind me.

"But Miss Moonbeam, I can't leave you!"

"Go, filly! I will distract them! Run, Celestia!"

The child took the basket in her mouth and looked at the midwife one more time before running from the back door. Some of my changeling horde ran to cut them off, but I waved them down. I disintegrated the door as I walked in, pulling a cup of tea from the air.

"Hello, Moonbeam," I said. The vase she threw at me melted into smoke as soon as it hit me. So did the next several objects, until she threw a picture frame at me.

I caught it and froze Moonbeam in place. I walked up to her, looking at the picture.

"What a lovely family," I said, tracing my eagle talon down the glass of the frame, giving out a terrible screech. "I'm sure their mother was so proud, before she died. I know she just loved her children so…" I held up the picture for her to see. She averted her eyes. "Oh, is something the matter?" She grit her teeth, not giving me the satisfaction of hearing her pain. I moved my lion's paw to her face and gently lifted it. "You know, I have many children in need of a mother. I'm going away soon, and I can't take care of them. It's a shame that I have no one around to take the position for me." I let her go. She didn't look away. "Of course, some physical changes would be needed for them to accept that mother. She would have to look closer to them, for one. And she would have to be able to have many children of her own, to replace those that are lost. I'm sure I can find a volunteer willing to help me. Could you think of anyone?"

She licked her lips and looked from side to side.

I smiled. "You will need a new name, of course. I think Chrysalis will suit you well." I held up my talons. "What do you say?"

She slumped a bit, free of my magic. She looked down at my talons for a whole five minutes. Slowly—painfully slowly—she raised her hoof and put it in my grasp.

I grinned as I shook. "You'll regret every minute, I swear!" Her eyes had time to go wide before she began to screech in pain, transforming into the changeling queen we all know and love. It was a long, agonizing process that easily could have been done in a second with no pain if I was a nice guy.

I was whistling a happy tune as I left her in agony. When I stepped outside, I waved the changelings in to meet their new mother.

Only one thought was on my mind: _Celestia. Oh, what fun we'll have together!_

The next morning saw me waking up dark and early—it was a cave, after all—when I got nuzzled in the face. "Eh? Oh Jesus!" I pulled away from Chrysalis, jumping a bit. I wasn't expecting her to be right in my face.

"My name is not Jesus. Come. My attempts to change begin today."

"…What?" I remembered agreeing to help her change, but I figured we would just talk about stuff for a while before I left.

"You agreed to help me change last night. Today you will assist me in my royal duties and make suggestions."

That doesn't sound enjoyable at all. "Okay. Do I have time for a shower?"

"No. Come on." She pulled me out of bed with magic. My wings sort of flopped around a bit until I caught them. I sighed and walked over to my bag and pulled out a flask. I downed a bit of honey alcohol. I hooked the flask onto my belt—yeah, I sleep in a belt, wanna fight about it?—and threw on my axe belt. I didn't bother with a shirt. I turned and saw her eyeing me. "I know you do not need to eat often, but you are eating today."

"Sure. What's on the menu?"

"Mushrooms. They taste awful for us, but I haven't heard any complaints from the ponies."

"What do you feed the dogs and the naga?"

"Mushrooms. They all get the same fare. Now come along." I shrugged and followed her out.

She led me to the hole in the wall and we jumped out, flying over toward the feeding hall. "So what kind of schedule do we have?" I asked as we flew.

"First we eat. Then we meet with Ditto and the leader of our scouts. He agrees with the early warning system you suggested and wants to help scout out locations to leave drones. There is a good chance you and I will go with one of the teams."

"Why would we do that?"

"I do not know how it is with your princesses, but when there is a chance that my subjects will be in danger, I like to be there."

"Each their own, I suppose. I don't like randomly wandering in tunnels, but such is life."

"There is nothing random about it. For the most part, our tunnels are extremely orderly. We do need to find out where the ants bored in, though. There is no telling what might be in their tunnels.

"How fun," I muttered.

We made it to the feeding hall with no more conversation. It wasn't a long flight, thankfully. It was just in time for the ponies to be fed, so we didn't have to wait long. Chrysalis morphed into Twilight and followed me into the feeding hall part of the feeding building.

Given how efficient the changelings are, there was no real wait. I got a large bowl of mushroom stew and was out of the line in minutes. Chrysalis followed me to a relatively empty table.

"So uh…" I dipped a finger in the stew. At least it was warm. I shrugged and picked the bowl up and tried tasting it. "Oh God… I think I'd rather starve!"

"Looking at you, that appears to be your option. Eat."

"Shut up, Twilight. You're not my mom." I shuddered as I downed more of the stew. "I'm glad I'm not one of your love slaves. I'd hate to have to eat this stuff constantly."

"With their minds shrouded by the love poison, they don't even care. Weak fools."

"Hey, that love poison is some nasty stuff. Doesn't matter how strong willed you are."

"_You _were immune to it."

"That's because I'm not a pony, I guess. I don't really know what caused it. It's not so much that I was immune to it, though, but rather that it had a negative reaction with my body. It actually became something else."

"Whatever, Twilight," she answered with a smirk. It was funny seeing Twilight's face do that.

I gave off a sigh of relief as I emptied the bowl. "You can fucking keep this stuff. I think I'll just manage off what I have. Speaking of, if I'm going to stay down here for much longer, I need to get to the surface soon."

"You can do that when we return from the tunnels. How long are you available to stay down here?"

"Few more days, if I need to. I need to return before the week is out, though."

She muttered something dark. "Are you sure you don't want to stay here, with me?"

"That would be fun, I'll admit. That said, I would also get lonely and bored when you aren't around. These changelings are terrible conversationalists. And there's not nearly enough sun down here."

"There's _no _sun down here."

"Yeah, and that's not nearly enough. It's not like I can't come visit every now and then. Or like you can't come visit me. Or if you're going to the Maris party coming up, I might be there."

"Maris? Hm… Yes, I remember that. I sent my agent there to kill Blueblood so he would be replaced by Cadance. We met on the way back from it."

"Yep. I don't know if you have any hives in Europe, but if you do you could probably come to that party."

"I will… ask Celestia about that. We are not well liked by the dogs or the griffons. It might come to blows if we openly attend."

"I don't know a thing about politics. It might be a chance for you to attempt to make peace."

"I will think on it. Now come, we need to see Ditto yet again."

I followed her out of the dining hall, just leaving my bowl where it was. I don't really know how the ponies were so oblivious to everything around them, but it was kind of funny.

Anyway, we took no time to get to the war room or whatever it was called. Ditto and his scout leader made no comments about my presence. Chrysalis pointed a hoof at the random guy, looked at me, and said, "Ersatz."

I nodded. "Sup, bro?"

He looked at me for a moment before turning back to Chrysalis. She said, "Are your troops ready to move?"

"We await your command."

I think I heard Chrysalis grinding her teeth.

Speaking of which, why do changelings even _have _teeth? Or stomachs? Wouldn't evolution deal with that? Eh, whatever.

"Next time, do not wait for my command. If you think an action needs to be done, do it."

Ersatz blinked. He looked over at Ditto, who looked to him. They both shrugged before turning back to Chrysalis. "As you command," he said. Chrysalis just gave off a weary sigh. "Will you be joining one of the patrols?"

"Yes. Navarone and I will be in the team that is following the ant tunnel."

"I will see to it that team is granted more magic users, then."

"I am plenty capable of looking after myself. And where I fail, Navarone will step in."

I broke in, "I'm out of crossbow bolts, Chrysalis. My axe is dull and busted up. My knives are only good in the shortest of ranges and most of them aren't very deep so they can't get much penetration. I could try, but I'm not very fit for combat right now."

"I trust in you. Now, when will your troops be ready to move?"

"Right now."

"Then lead the way. Ditto, remain here and continue with whatever you do."

"Yes, Queen Chrysalis!" they both answered.

Ersatz led the way to the door. We followed him out. He jumped out the hole at the end of the hall and flew down a few layers. We joined him down there and he continued leading us through the building.

"So is this building purely military?" I asked.

"Yes," Chrysalis answered. "Most official and more combat oriented training sessions are held here. Combat magic is also taught. This is one of the many buildings that extends deep into the ground, rather than just being only everything on the surface level. We have several biomes of training areas represented, as well as several captured monsters that serve as practice in each of the biomes."

"Do you have any light?"

"No. Why would we?"

"Because if you ever plan on fighting on the surface, fighting in the sunlight is a lot different than fighting in a cave. You have to worry more about heat exhaustion, the light in your eyes, more sweat than usual—if changelings even have that problem—and a few other factors."

Chrysalis sighed. "Ersatz, come here." He walked closer. She reached out and slapped him across the face, making him stumble down. A moment later he got back to his feet and looked at her with emotionless eyes. "Why did none of this ever come into consideration?"

"It isn't our job to think about that, my queen."

She turned to me. "You're supposed to help me change. Is it okay to kill him?"

"No. You also shouldn't have hit him."

"Do I have to apologize?"

"Yes. I also suggest meaning it, but I understand that baby steps are required."

She turned back to Ersatz. "I apologize for hitting you. I understand that incompetence has been bred into you. For this, you may take a day in the fun chamber." She turned back to me. "Was that sufficient?"

"What the fuck's the fun chamber?"

"The closest pony equivalent would be a spa, but it's so far different that you really can't equate them."

"I see. Is it public?"

"On certain days. Usually I reserve it for those that have pleased me. It doesn't get used often."

"What, so I don't please you?"

"You would find no enjoyment in it. It is full of changeling pleasures, not human pleasures."

"I'll take your word for that. I don't suppose you have some kind of pain chamber?"

"I do. I do not, however, put changelings in it. That little puppy you brought in went straight there."

"Yeah, you're gonna need to get rid of that. Torture is pretty much frowned upon by… well, most civilized species."

She sighed. "Oh, very well." She turned back to the changeling. "Why have we stopped? Continue." With that, we began walking again. "I fear there are many facets of changeling society that are stupid to you, Navarone. If you ever notice something that is silly or a bad idea, tell me as soon as you can."

"I have been. I like some parts of it, but with only one person with any real common sense, a lot goes unnoticed."

"I fear I will have to start another breeding program to attempt to breed common sense and competence into my changelings, or at least my higher ranking ones."

"That's probably a bad idea, but you are welcome to try it."

"Why is it a bad idea?"

"Undermines freedom and takes away independence. If they become able to make breeding choices on their own, they might start making other small choices on their own as well. With the ability to make choices comes the slow learning of common sense. They learn what works and what doesn't."

"I suppose that answer is as good as any."

We walked in silence for a few minutes before arriving at a random door. Ersatz entered, asking us to wait outside. A moment later he told us to enter. Several ranks of changeling soldiers stood at some manner of attention in the front of the very large room.

Chrysalis walked up front, to stand at the middle of the group. "You know your mission. Move."

Well, that was to the point. As a group they all saluted. A moment later they orderly marched off to a large hole in the side of the building. Rank after rank jumped out. When the last group had gone, Chrysalis and I jumped out, following them. Ersatz was left alone in his large, dark room.

"So do you know where this tunnel is?" I asked

"Yes."

We flew all the way to the edge of the cavern, a wall pockmarked with holes. By the time we got there, only a single squad of changelings was left waiting. We joined them.

"Go," Chrysalis commanded the squad. Without a thought in the world they started scuttling through the tunnel. We followed. Thankfully, the tunnel was tall enough that I didn't hit my head on anything and smooth enough that I didn't have to worry about twisting my ankle.

Fifteen minutes after we started walking, we came across a T-section. One side led slightly deeper into the ground and was uneven and shorter, while the other continued the same. We took the uneven one.

"So no one knows where this thing goes yet?" I asked.

"It has yet to be explored," she answered.

"I would have blocked it off or at least put up a guard until it had been explored, then. If you don't know where it leads, it could lead to some manner of monster nest or something."

"The ants would have eradicated them."

"The ants didn't even _see _me. They were out for changeling blood, not anything else. If whatever it was ignored the ants, it might not ignore us or the hive."

Once again she was grinding her teeth. She was eyeing one of the changelings around her like she wanted to smack him, but she thankfully restrained herself.

Chrysalis and I had to duck down a few times to walk in this tunnel, but at least the floor was smooth enough that I never stumbled. Or maybe it was just that I was able to see well enough that I didn't have to worry about it.

Everything was going good until we pretty much stumbled into a cavern about the size of the naga's, but with considerably more trees.

Yes, trees.

"What the fuck?" I asked, looking around the cavern.

"This is… odd," Chrysalis said. Her horn lit up and a pure light shot out. I saw that all of the leaves on the trees—and the tree themselves—were grey.

"An entire petrified forest," I said, my voice dripping with awe. "Amazing." I took a few steps in. I heard something and looked down to see grass crunching beneath my feet. "Simply amazing. You guys coming?"

"Move out," Chrysalis commanded. "Explore the forest in small groups. If you see any kind of danger, return to the center. Navarone, lead the way to the middle."

I started walking through the forest, a smile fixed on my face. "Twilight would love to see this," I said, looking around. I reached out and touched a branch. It felt calcified. We saw bird nests—some of which that had eggs—spider webs, several kind of trees, a few fruits, pine cones, and flowers. There were no animals at all. The only sounds in the cave were those the changelings and I were making.

When we got to the center, we saw an altar with a…

"What is this, fucking Skyrim?" There was a sword held up on the altar.

We both walked up to it. "This is an odd place for a sword to be," she commented.

"Yeah. I don't trust it."

"Don't be a foal, Navarone. Take it."

"Yeah, no. As soon as I pick it up we would be attacked by some kind of evil ghost or monster or some shit. I ain't touching it."

"Even if that _were _true, you could just use the sword to kill it."

"Pass. We can just leave it here."

Her horn lit up and the sword lifted off the altar. She floated it over to me with a smirk. "See? Nothing to be worried about."

I took it in my hands and she let it go. The thing was icy to the touch, despite it being lukewarm in the caves. As soon as I touched it we heard and felt a massive thud. And then another.

We looked at each other.

"Don't you dare say it," she said. I think my smirk said enough. "CHANGELINGS, TO THE CENTER!" We heard several smaller crashes in the forest as the thuds got louder and closer. We heard some huge form closing in on us.

"Chrysalis, maybe we should get airborne."

"We will face this monster and kill it for daring to assault the queen of the changelings." Changelings began emerging from the forest, panting slightly. They formed up around us. We all turned to face the direction the monstrous noises were coming from.

We waited about fifteen seconds before it finally crashed into the clear, destroying the trees in front of us.

It was a giant spider, taller than some dragons I've seen.

"Oh shit."

"Attack!"

The changelings went to assault it. The thing reared up on its hind legs and pulled a massive spinneret around front. With a disgusting sound, it squirted web onto the first few changelings, trapping them._ Oh we are so fucked._

Chrysalis jumped into the air as I joined the charge, wielding my new sword. I don't know what the little changelings were going to try to do against that, but I knew I was going to try to not die against it. I stopped momentarily to cut the changelings free before running up to it.

I saw that the changelings were doing a very good job of distracting it while Chrysalis was doing magic to it. She was shooting some green beams at it. The spider was already missing one leg. It was swinging the others at changelings and trying to bite them and shoot thread at the same time. I used my wings to propel me a bit to slash at one of its other legs while it was distracted. I succeeded in cutting it off, thankfully. It swung my way and managed to hit me hard enough to knock me on the ground. The sword flew out of my grasp.

Thankfully, Chrysalis took that moment to hit it with another beam. It spun back on her before finishing me. I started scrambling around, looking for the sword. I grasped it just in time to realize I was about to get crushed. I rolled out of the way and one of its large feet slammed into the ground where I had been. I jumped to my feet and took off into the air, trying to get a feel for the situation.

A lot of the changelings were down for the count. Of the ten we started with, three clearly were not getting up again—given they were cut in half, yeah, they were fucked—and three more were no longer moving. One was picking himself off the ground while three buzzed around the spider's head, trying to get to its eyes.

I dove in and managed to get on the spider's back while it tried to deal with the changelings. I drove the sword into it and twisted.

Before that time, I never heard a spider make any kind of noise. That thing fucking _squealed _and jerked its body so hard and so fast that I went tumbling off. Before I could hit the ground, one of its legs swung around and hit me like a fucking baseball bat. I went flying and hit the ground several feet away, through some trees. I don't know how I got lucky enough to miss them.

When I managed to get to my feet, I realized that it was trying to find me. Chrysalis was still shooting shit at it, the changelings were still buzzing around it, and yet when it saw me it narrowed its eyes and charged.

"Merde…" I attempted to spread my wings but flinched in pain. I looked over and saw one was pretty badly fucked up. I also notice that my axe was missing, so fighting wasn't an option. I looked up and saw that it was close. "Gotta be kidding me!"

I turned tail and booked it through the forest. I heard its crashes pick up as it labored to keep up with me. I don't know how it was moving so well while missing two legs and stabbed through the abdomen, but I suppose not having nerves would do that.

It managed to keep pace with me as I ran through the forest. I could hear it destroying trees as it pursued, so I know it was keeping up. When I finally got to the edge of the forest, I realized that I was pretty fucked: I was right at a rock wall.

I turned and saw the spider approaching. "Ah fuck…" It crashed through the final trees and slammed its remaining front leg at me. I dodged. It pulled one of its other legs up and slammed that at me. I managed to dodge, but lost my footing. It raised the two up and tried to slam them down on me but I rolled out of the way.

CRACK!

…

Wait, crack?

For a moment, I thought I saw a confused look in its eyes before the ground fell away beneath us. It shot a web behind it to keep from falling too far. It climbing back up was the last thing I remembered.


	55. Chapter Fifty-Three

Chapter Fifty-Three—Thank God the princesses have human insurance

I woke up to a world of liquid pain. I could tell without moving that both of my wings were broken. I tried shifting my legs to find that one of them was broken as well. I managed to move both of my arms. When I did I found that I was actually laying down in some liquid.

It was too thick to be water, but there was too much of it to be blood. It was neither warm nor cool. I would have sat up, but I think my tail bone was broken too. I really just wanted to sort of die at that point. I settled for opening my eyes.

I was lying at the bottom of a large shaft. Without being able to look too far around me, I couldn't tell what else was down here with me. Given that I was alive, the spider obviously wasn't down here. And since I couldn't see the top of the shaft, I knew that by all rights I probably should be dead.

I shifted again, trying to see what I could move. One leg was responding. My arms worked. My upper body seemed fine and my neck was alright. I wouldn't be able to climb out with my leg broken. I managed to get up enough to look at it and couldn't help but flinch in horror. The flinch jerked my broken parts, giving me another wave of terrible pain.

Yeah, legs weren't supposed to bend that way. "Where's a princess when I need one?" I groaned, letting my head fall back in the water.

Instantly, the chamber was bathed in a dull light. I couldn't be assed to move again, so I didn't really care. And then I felt the liquid around me getting pulled away, leaving me on a painfully rocky floor. I didn't realize how much the liquid had been cushioning it. I moved my arm to find that there was no moisture left at all.

"Warrior, why are you here?" The voice sounded feminine and for some reason it was like she was gargling liquid.

"Fell down a shaft," I said in a dry voice. "Fighting spider." I tried laughing, but it turned into a cough. "Guess he won. My friends will kill it, though. You my guardian angel? Coulda used your ass before, I tell you."

"Once we were worshipped as angels of sorts. But no, we're just… spirits, might be the closest word. Some called us elementals, and that title fits. Why were you fighting the spider?"

"Attacked us. Had to help my friends. We shoulda ran. We had wings. It didn't."

"A noble cause. Did you see a sword there?"

"Yeah. I told her to leave it… She didn't. Yours?"

"In a way. It was a gift from the days we were still worshipped. An old memento from back when magic was used to create weapons. Some would call it enchanted. Its cuts leave an iciness in the victim's blood. Not enough to kill, but it will slow them down and the pain is supposed to be terrible."

"Had to borrow it. Sorry."

"Oh, that doesn't bother me. I don't have much use for the old thing down here. I would understand if a new owner claimed it. You know, you aren't very talkative."

"Everything hurts. Wings, broken. Leg, broken. Can't move."

"Oh my." I heard a liquid sound and felt a presence closer to me. I managed to move my head up to see a female human shape leaning over me, looking at my leg. "That's not supposed to bend that way."

"Yeah."

She pulled away and I let my head fall back. "We elementals have powers. As a water elemental, I specialize in healing. However, there are rules in place. We can't just use our powers for free. There must be a price."

"Name it."

I heard a sigh. "I've been down here for a long time. There is a reason for it, yes, but still… I long for a touch. I long for feeling. Elementals do not have a gender, but most water elementals associate with females. Do you have a purity oath?"

"No."

"My price is that you make love to me." The first thought in my mind was that when I told Twilight that I met a water elemental, she's going to ask me what I talked to her about. And I'm going to have to tell her that I fucked it.

She's going to be so pissed.

"Have to heal first."

"Of course."

"Deal."

I heard her moving toward me. I looked up and saw that she was looming over me. I could tell then that she was just the upper torso and head of a human. Her face was dull, with eyes that had no pupils. She was glowing a faint blue, but I could see right through her. Everything from her stomach down was moving, just plain water. _How am I supposed to… Eh._

Her stomach elongated so that she was as long as I was, her head level with mine. Her arms moved to the sides like she was about to hug me.

Then her body lost form and crashed into me, soaking me. I felt liquid worm its way into any open hole it could find: ears, nose, mouth… I could feel it being sucked into my very _pores_. It was terrifying but completely painless.

When all the liquid around my body was gone and she was fully absorbed, I felt changes start to happen. My leg picked itself up and straightened with no pain. I turned over onto my side and my wings extended fully, the broken bones mending. I saw that the light was now flowing from me, my skin glowing pale blue. I felt all the pain disappear from my body, to be replaced with a peaceful, tranquil feeling. My half-regrown finger finally popped back out fully formed, though lacking a fingernail. And let me tell you, that thing was fucking creepy to look at before, too.

And then I felt her in my mind. I felt a cool presence in my head, caressing my thoughts. "You've been through much," I heard a whisper say. "I can see that I am not welcome in here, but all the same I am curious. For my transgressions, I will give you a gift ere we part." She paused. "Yes, I know that doesn't make it up to you. But there is no way to do so, and this will make me feel less guilty." She was reading my thoughts as I had them. "Before you leave I will offer you another deal. You do not have to take it and I would understand if you didn't. Now, this will be uncomfortable but painless."

With that, I felt the liquid seeping back out of my body. Every open hole it could find, it came out of. It felt… interesting. Uncomfortable was a good word for it. When she was completely out of me, I sat up, giving me my first real look at this place. From what it looked like, we were in the part of a very tall ring. What I thought was a shaft was actually a large chasm type thing. I wouldn't be surprised if the entire cavern with the spider was ringed by this chasm, with that as an island in the center. No telling how the stone formed above it. Maybe the elemental had something to do with it.

Most of the floor was smooth, but the area around me was covered in rock splinters, probably from the ground cracking above me. Most of the walls also looked smooth.

"My payment?" the elemental asked, a tone of hope entering her voice.

"I've a few questions, if you wouldn't mind," I said.

"Ask."

"Do you feel as a human would? Will you get pleasure from this?"

"We do not feel the physical pleasure of sex. We have no organs, no senses. What elementals feel when making love is the mental pleasure of stimulating a lover, the feel of love within us. I can't feel your touch, but I can feel the mold of your body as mine shifts to accommodate you. And you… you've been through so much. I admire you, in a way. A poor, tortured soul stolen from his home and forced into a world where he was almost made a slave of love by the very same people he fought to protect. I want to make you feel good."

"Why are you here?"

"That is a question I will have to answer later. I will explain my story to you after you give me payment."

"What is this place, then?"

"This will just invite more questions, but this is a prison."

"Can you explain that a bit more?"

"I will, later. I will have to tell you why I am here for you to understand why this is a prison."

"Fair enough. I suppose I should just shut up and love you, then."

The blue light she was emitting got a tinge of pink in it. For some reason, that made me smile. I stood and removed my weapon belt and my shoes. She was slowly moving closer. I lost the socks and the straps of knife belts. She was right next to me. Her hand met mine on my pants belt buckle.

I looked up just in time to catch her kiss.

(Sex is coming up. It's a short one. ctrl+f "Sex is over" to skip)

My mind stopped working for a second when she kissed me and my hands went limp around my buckle, falling. She took over, managing to open it and let my pants drop. She wrapped her arms around me and that woke my instincts up. I pulled my arms up around her and started returning the kiss. She didn't have a tongue, but that didn't mean I couldn't get mine in her mouth.

I felt the moan across her entire body. For just an experiment, I tried increasing the tightness of my arms around her, seeing how much give she had. I couldn't pierce her at all. I grinned around the kiss and started leaning into her. She took the hint and broke the kiss.

Her body began to lower, melting down to the ground backwards. I lowered myself with her, so that I was lying atop her. I went back in for a kiss and she moaned again, stimulating my member and finally getting it to wake up. I felt myself start to get hard, finally. Given how weird as fuck this situation was, I can understand that it took this long.

When I was finally standing at full attention, I began gently thrusting. There really was no need to 'aim' or anything like that. As soon as I got hard I was already inside. She was like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked. And I can honestly say that the sensation I was feeling as I weakly pumped was definitely unique. It wasn't warm, like a mare. It wasn't cool, like a naga. It was barely room temperature, and it molded itself completely to my manhood. There was no 'empty space' or any need to take myself out. I was constantly hilted. Thrusting just gave me a sensation of movement. Although… I paused for a moment and realized that her entire inner body was actually flowing already. I just grinned and slowed down my thrusts so I could get the full benefit of pumping and her internal flow.

A minute or two after I began, I felt part of my lower body sinking into her and widened my legs a bit to compensate. My legs were trapped, and I felt liquid creeping up to a place I wasn't comfortable with it being. If she had been in my mind, she should have known that.

She obviously did, because she stopped right where my thighs ended and my ass began. Better lover than Luna, that's for damn sure; this elemental knew limits and respected them.

The only complaint I had was how absolutely quiet she was. No moans, no gasps, no sighs, just her staring up at me and slowly turning pink.

…

It was kind of boring, actually.

Still, it felt amazing for me, at least. My entire member was being tended to perfectly. There was a gentle rubbing on my head that increased as I thrusted, my shaft was bathed in a nice liquid, and my balls were cupped just perfectly. So it felt great, it was just boring. It was like fucking a toy; even though I knew she was getting some manner of pleasure from it, I still couldn't think of her as any kind of a person while she was being so silent.

I did my best to give her what she wanted: The feeling of being loved. I moved my head back in to kiss her, and I felt her arms pull me further against her. I molded with her form as I continued my slow and steady pace of in and out. She gave me another full body moan, quivering against my dick and making me sigh into her mouth. My eyes widened as I saw a bubble drift to the side of her head and pop out. _That was… huh._ I quickly forgot about it in the moment.

I finally realized that she could fully support my weight, so I didn't need to hold myself up. I let my arms wrap around her again and saw as she turned an even deeper pink and felt her heat up a bit more. I just let our bodies mold together and become one.

As soon as I realized that's what I was doing, her body lit up bright pink and shot light across the entire chasm. I felt myself cum at the same moment and coat her insides. I don't know how the hell that happened; I wasn't even close to done. I pulled my head away from hers and looked down at her.

She removed her arms from my back and put them on my chest and pushed me back a little. When she did that, I felt something drain from my ears and heard the sound of water meeting water. "I left a small part of me inside you, so I could feel the love." She raised one hand and caressed my face. "We needed this."

"I… understand. What happened? Why are you glowing so brightly?"

"The closest analogy would be an orgasm. It isn't the same at all, but you would see it as one. It happens when we are so pleased that we can't hide it any longer. The more intense the emotion we feel, the brighter we glow. We have different shades for different moods. Blue for depressed. Pink for love. Red for anger. Yellow for curiosity. Green for desire. There are others."

So does that mean she loves me? I was afraid to ask.

I felt her start to recede from my body, allowing me to pull away from her. I stood to my feet and realized that I felt completely and totally refreshed. I stretched my wings out and fanned the air a bit before grabbing my pants and sliding them on.

("Sex is over")

With my pants back on, I sat back down, a bit away from the elemental. She seeped toward me, letting her liquid pool around and under me. "So I believe you had more questions to answer."

"There is something you must know about elementals. There are four main types: Air, water, fire, and earth. Air and water are feminine, fire and earth are masculine. Fire and earth hate water, air loves fire, earth and fire hate each other, air and water are friends, and air and earth are neither friends nor enemies. Fire is warlike and destructive. Air is fanciful and curious. Earth is patient and slow. Water is tender and meticulous. A long time ago, elementals roamed the planet. Some were worshiped, some were loved, some were hated, some were rulers, some were ambivalent. While there was some violence among elementals, there was generally peace. Until we met _the _elemental."

She stopped, looking around the cave. The violent pink glow she had from our session quickly faded. "There are four main types. There is one type that no one knew of before. Before all of us. The element of chaos. He saw the peace we had and tore it asunder. He used his trickery to get fire elementals to attack the water. We had no defenses, as we had never been attacked before. The earth elementals, though they always hated us, never openly expressed dissatisfaction with us. They, too, began to attack us. The air elementals could not help us against the earth and they loved fire too much to aid us against them. We fought as best we could against both fire and earth. We were able to easily defeat the attacks of the earth elementals, as water has nothing to fear from the earth. But the fires… As badly as we hurt them, they hurt us. Yes, we could survive their attacks, but the pain was immense and pulling yourself back together from steam was nigh impossible. I lost so many sisters to steam…"

I leaned in and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close. She was surprised by the gesture, I believe, but returned the hug a moment later. When I saw some of the pink return to her hue, I let her go.

"With fire elementals scattering water elementals and water elementals killing both fire and earth elementals, the air was left to its own devices. They were always fond of tricks and pranks, so it was little surprise that the element of chaos convinced them to pull a prank on their friends the waters and their lovers the fires. The prank went perfectly, but the air elementals didn't realize how far the prank went until it was too late. Essentially, it was a way of trapping some of the elementals for a short period of time. What they didn't realize is that short has a very different meaning for chaos. I have been trapped here for so long that time means nothing. I did not see the end of the war, but I saw in your mind that the world above is different. We have a connection of sorts to other elementals. I know there is one earth elemental still alive, but I don't know where. I know there are three fire elementals still alive, but I don't know where. I know there are fourteen water elementals. Three are completely frozen. Seven are hiding in the sea, survivors of the war long gone. One is right here. Two others are trapped underground, as I am. One is far to the south. I don't know how many air elementals are left, if there are any. They can't be tracked."

"And you want me to find some of them."

"Some of my sisters, yes. Or the earth elemental, if you could wake him up."

"I… You know who I am. You know what kind of life I have. I have responsibilities. I have family and friends. I understand that you are lonely, but I can't just leave everything behind."

"You wouldn't have to. I can give you a gift, a part of me. Any elemental that you come in contact with would know you for one of mine. I could talk with you, though my voice would be quieter the farther you get away. Your healing rate would quicken even more. You would be able to breathe underwater. There are several more benefits, but you already have them all. You will live for a very long time, assuming you stay safe. There will be a time in your life when you have years to spare. When that time comes, I will guide you to my sisters. The ones that are frozen can be moved and thawed. The one in the south can be convinced to leave her place of power. The three in the sea that rule can be convinced to step down. Those seven can break free the four trapped in the sea. Those eleven can break free those of us that are trapped in the earth. Between us all, we can find the earth elemental and try to sway him to our cause. Then we can find the fire elementals and sway them. And then the air elementals."

"To what end would you do all this, though? What purpose would it serve?"

"So we can be together again. There are not enough of us to rule this plane again. But maybe we can help destroy the element of chaos, if it is still around."

So basically I get a brain leech that sees everything I do, can talk to me, and lets me breathe underwater. I also get an epic quest that helps me destroy some element of chaos or some shit. I wonder if I get any kind of experience points or gear or something.

"Any stipulations?" I asked. "Rules? Anything I can't do with you inside me?"

"Nothing. I can protect your mind from intrusions, if you desire it. Your ring won't affect me at all. Neither will your stones. I can do all sorts of things while I'm in your mind, but I wouldn't do a thing without your permission."

"Can I tell anyone?"

"Some, yes. I will tell you who you can and can't tell. Just ask first."

"Fair." I wouldn't include this journal entry with the others, then. "Though how do you know we aren't already being watched?"

"There is a reason I can't leave this prison. Magic can't scry into this location. Spells or real magic." I don't know what the difference is, but okay.

"And you won't be obtrusive?"

"I will not. I will do my best to be helpful, pointing out things your body noticed but your mind didn't. And you will never be lonely."

Oh fun. I'd have another voyeur. I decided not to mention that. I've gotten used to it anyway, truth be told.

So… From everything she said, I would be getting even more benefits and powers. I would have a friend that would never leave me. She would help me and could do all manner of other things for me.

But I would have more responsibilities, a possibly very dangerous quest to do at an unspecified point in the future, another voyeur—though she could block out the others—and essentially a brain leech.

I wonder what kind of rewards I could get. Like, if these are all powerful elementals, surely they have some kind of cool stuff or something.

"Eh, fuck it. I'm in." Well, I always did make my best decisions in the spur of the moment, but I don't even remember planning on saying that. Oh well.

She pulled me in for another hug. "Thank you, Navarone. It will be some time before you can assist me, but I know when you are able you will bring us all together."

"I will certainly do my best. It will be nice to finally have company on the late nights."

"And it will be nice for me as well. I have lived in silence and darkness for a very long time. It is wonderful to speak with another, and I am ashamed that I ask such a great task. Still, I would not ask it if I did not believe you were one that could get it done." She pushed me away. "There used to be a ceremony for bestowing our gifts, but that seems silly if there are just the two of us here." She moved her hands to the side of my head, covering my ears. I felt something enter me and stiffened.

"Feels so weird," I said.

"Yes, it does. Now, I see you have another question. For politeness sake, ask."

"If the other elementals can sense each other, and at least four of the water elementals are free, why have they not come for you?"

"They have not come for me or the sisters under the water because four is not enough to free us. I do not know why they have not used mortal followers to free our frozen sisters. I wish I knew, and I have often pondered that question, but I do not know."

"How does the whole breathing underwater thing work?"

"You breathe, but you do it underwater. I wish I could tell you more, but I don't breathe at all. I will be with you the first time you try it, so you needn't worry. I don't imagine it will be comfortable, but you can get used to it."

Good enough for me, I guess. "So, what now?"

"You fly away, my avatar. Return to your life. I will be with you and will know when it is time for you to begin my quest." I saw my knife belts floating over to me. I picked them up and strapped them on. I then put on my axe belt. That done, I stood and turned to her.

I held out my hand. She grasped it. I drew it in close and kissed it. "Until we meet again, my lady." Her pink hue increased slightly and she let off what might have been a giggle. I lifted my wings and shot into the air.

As I was flying up and trying to find the hole I fell down, I realized that I never even asked her name. I'm kind of an asshole.

"Flo." I heard her whisper in my head before, but this was somehow softer. "I'm only here in essence, not in body. It will get softer the farther you move away. I should be able to guide you to at least the first frozen elemental." I noticed that she didn't contradict me calling myself an asshole. She also didn't comment on me noticing that.

Thankfully, I didn't move far from where I had landed, so the hole was straight above me. I couldn't count the distance, as high as it was, but by all rights I would have died if she hadn't been there to break my fall.

I put on an extra burst of speed as I freed myself from the hole just in case the spider was still around. When I got above the ground, I saw that the forest was pretty well devastated. The spider was nowhere to be seen, but I did see a very, very angry Chrysalis flying above the forest.

"WE WILL NOT LEAVE HERE UNTIL WE FIND HIM! NO MORE EXCUSES!"

I heard Flo whisper, "Don't tell her. She will attempt to harm me. It won't work, but I might have to hurt her."

"She's not just going to believe that I disappeared and didn't get hurt at all."

"Tell her you were knocked out. And be careful. She wants you. The only reason she doesn't steal you is because she knows the consequences."

Well, that's comforting. I flew over to her. "I'm right here, Chrysalis."

She whirled about when she heard my voice and a large smile replaced the rage on her face. She flew at me and caught me in a hug. "What happened?"

"Damn spider knocked me into an alcove. I passed out. He couldn't get to me, I guess. Is it dead?"

She let me go. "Yes. I did not leave much of him after you disappeared. I was a bit… angry." She began to lower herself to the ground. I followed. "CHANGELINGS, ASSEMBLE!" I heard a few noises as the survivors began to form up.

"What were the losses?"

"Four dead. Three wounded."

"Damn. This is just not a good week for us. I don't suppose anyone found my axe?"

"We left your weapons at the altar." All of the changelings were now in front of us. None of them looked injured, so I assume she healed them. "Let's move." She started leading the way back to the center. It didn't take us long to get there. I saw that my axe was sitting there, along with the sword.

I grabbed my axe and let it fall back into its loop. I looked at the sword. "Take it," Flo whispered. "You are my avatar, and should wield my weapon."

"For all the trouble that sword put us through," Chrysalis said, "we aren't leaving it. Grab it."

I shrugged and grabbed the sword. I didn't have any kind of sheathe for it, so I just held onto it and turned back to Chrysalis. "Are we going to continue exploring, or fall back and just block this tunnel?"

"I'm not going forward without an army behind me. If this spider is what we found just inside, I'm not going forward with this small a number. We will return home."

"Cool. I don't want to carry this thing for too long anyway." I looked around the battleground. "How much is this silk worth?"

She looked at it. "Changelings, grab as much web as you can carry." When they had grabbed all they could and wound it up on their backs, she used her magic to grab more.

And with that, we began our somewhat defeated march back to the hive.

_So, what happens if the changelings find the hole I fell through?_

"Any damages to my prison slowly repair themselves. They used an earth elemental to help trap me, so the land itself works against me."

_And what's to stop us from just getting a large tub and lugging you out?_

"A magical barrier. I cannot leave in person. I am honestly surprised I was able to send an avatar of mine away from here. I am not complaining, of course."

There's never an easy way out, is there? I just heard a sighing in my head.

"You are quiet, Nav," Chrysalis said, bumping against me lightly.

"Just thinking. That damn spider almost killed me. This line of work is going to be the death of me, I fear."

"You've made it so far, despite the odds. There are many that would have fallen. More that would have given up. Yet you've stayed and flourished. Why is that?"

"A warped sense of duty and being too stubborn to know when to quit. Also, Celestia would probably kill me if I didn't do what she told me to."

I heard the voice in my head, "She wouldn't kill you now, but she would have at the beginning." Well that just makes me feel great.

"I doubt that," Chrysalis answered. "She likes you as much as I do." She lightly swished her tail at me. "Of course, I think you have more fun with me."

That's actually true. Chrysalis being able to stay in her shape and shrink herself to fit me is awesome. Though when Celestia turns herself human… She's fun. Lots of it.

I just shrugged. "You both have your high points. And given that Celestia is basically the sun goddess, there are some definite perks to porking her."

"Oh? And what might those be?"

"I'll let you know when I start getting them. Aside from her friendship, there's little I've gotten."

"Only friendship? I'm honestly surprised she didn't scoop you up as soon as you left her sister."

"She probably wanted to, but that would have been very poor form. Like, imagine me fucking you and then immediately leaving to go spend the night with Doppel. How would that make you feel?"

"I would not be overly pleased. Though I do not think I would have let you walk out."

And that's why I'm not going to consider dating Chrysalis, everybody.

I shrugged. "Luna would probably feel worse, given that she already feels she has to constantly compete with Celestia. If I left her and immediately went for Celestia, that would pretty much be akin to telling her that she lost yet another competition."

"I see. To you, which of the two is more beautiful?"

"In their pony forms, Celestia is. There is just… I don't know. That said, I also grew to love Luna's form, but objectively I would say Celestia is hotter. In their human forms, Luna wins hands down, though there are some that would disagree."

"And if I am added to the three?"

"I haven't seen your human form. I will say that you look the coolest, but otherwise the list stands."

She hmphed, but didn't comment further.

One of the soldiers spoke up, "I… I think you're beautiful…"

We both looked at him, shocked. He quickly looked away, a red tint on his face.

"Holy shit," I said. "Dude, that took _guts_."

I looked at Chrysalis and saw she was actually blushing a bit. "Thank you," she said after a moment. She looked at me for confirmation and I nodded. I then held my hands, put my fingers in a circle and plugged it with another, pantomiming sex. I was looking her in the eyes while doing it. Her blush deepened. I jerked my head at him. She shook her head. I shrugged. She pulled my head down a bit with magic and whispered, "It sets a bad example. I can't just buck every subject that compliments me."

"Eh, fair enough." She let me go and we continued walking.

Flo whispered, "Ask her how often she gets complimented by her subjects."

I leaned in close and quietly said, "How often do they compliment you, though?"

Chrysalis didn't answer me. "Soldier, what is your name?"

The one that said it flinched. "Counterfeit, ma'am."

"Rank and number?"

He rattled something off that for the life of me I couldn't spell. I won't even try. The number was some random large one. When he finished Chrysalis just nodded. The silence returned.

Until I broke it. "What's with the ridiculous rank name?" I asked.

"I didn't make them," Chrysalis answered. "I saw no reason to change them."

"I suggest simplifying them. It makes it easier to deal with in the heat of battle."

"Rank names are not for the soldiers. They are for the civilians. Soldiers learn differences in pheromones and can tell the different ranks apart. I don't spend enough time around the lower ranks to know them all."

"I still say they should be simplified, but whatever."

"I will mention that to Ditto. Knowing him, he will take it as an order, but it is worth a try."

More silence. Gotta love it.

We arrived at the hive in good time, at least. Less changelings means less time, I suppose. She left the dead behind, or burned them. I didn't see their bodies back there.

Chrysalis said, "Changelings, return to your commander. Report to him. The silk you carried is yours to do with as you please. Sell it, bed in it, have a crafter make you something, I don't care. Tell the commander that I will not be long in seeing him; I have things to discuss." They sketched hasty bows and flew away. "Navarone, come." We flew back to the palace and landed on the floor with our rooms. She split the wad of silk she had in half. "This is yours to do with as you desire. I will probably make sheets or a gown with my half." She floated one wad to me.

I grabbed it and shuddered at how sticky it felt. We went to our respective rooms and I dropped it off. It actually made a squelching sound when it hit the floor. I set the sword down next to my bag. The axe followed it.

"You need sunlight," Flo told me.

"I know. Now's probably a good time to go get it, though." I went to the door between our rooms and entered hers. "Chrysalis, after that fight I'm feeling drained. I need to go to the surface for a few hours. You cool without me?"

"Go. I will be fine down here. Do not wander far, though. The outer edge is guarded, but there are still enemies in the waste."

I got to the surface just as the sun was starting to set. I could probably get enough light for a few days down below, so I just found a nice low rock to sit against and watched the sun set. It was nice.

"If you stay up here any longer, you won't make it to your room in time to sleep," Flo told me.

I sighed as I stood. The guard that came up with me jumped down the hole ahead of me. I followed him and made it back to the hive.

I got back to the palace just in time to see Chrysalis leading a familiar looking changeling into her room. I just smiled and shook my head as I went to bed.

When my head hit the pillow, I heard Flo lightly begin to sing. I couldn't understand the words, but it lulled me to sleep almost instantly.

The nightmares that habitually plague me were not present that night. Instead, I was shown a paradise of sorts. I recognized the general layout of the land as the petrified forest I found her in, but the trees were vibrant and green. I reached out to touch one of the leaves, but flinched when I saw my arm. It was red and scaly.

"What is this?" I asked, holding my hands up. I saw they were closer to Spike's hands than mine.

I heard Flo say, "My old subjects were very different from you and the ponies of today. They were lizards, of a sort. Not quite dragons, for they had no wings and could breathe underwater. They were a quiet, stealthy race. Many were warlike and followed the fire elementals, but those that were peaceful gave their allegiance to the waters. Go to the center of my glade."

I shrugged and walked into the forest. I tried flapping my wings to find nothing happened. I didn't expect anything to, but whatever. Since I didn't have that to distract me, I just looked around the beautiful forest. It reminded me of my life back on earth. It wasn't oppressive and chilling, like the Everfree. And it was less tame than the Whitetail Woods. It was, as I said, a near paradise.

And when I got to the center, I stopped. There was a perfectly clear pool of water surrounding the altar, upon which rested flowers of all kinds, fruits, the sword, and a single book.

As I stepped closer, Flo slowly materialized out of the water. She met me at the edge and slowly reached a hand out to caress my face. "I so miss my friends… They worshipped, though I told them not to. They tried to tell the air elementals they were hurting me, but they wouldn't listen. I wish… I just wanted to see one of them again."

She slipped her hand through my face and I felt my body shift back to human. Well, sort of human. I stretched my wings out, happy to feel them back. She smiled at my reaction. "It is good to see you accepting of your changes, forced though they are," she said. "Even though the princess could have removed them."

"What? She told me she couldn't."

"She lied." Fucking bitch. "But that is no matter. Here, we can do whatever we desire. Well, sort of. I could show you the past, giving you a better history lesson. I could teach you some number of things. We could," and here she turned a light hue of pink, "make love again. Well, with a small consequence; you would need to change your pants in the morning."

I smiled and pulled her close, wrapping my wings around her. "I'm planning on taking a shower in the morning anyway," I whispered.

I woke up to nastiness, but it was worth it. I removed my pants and shuddered as they hit the floor. With that, I took a shower.

When I got back into my room, I got dressed and laid the silk out a bit more so it could dry out better. I don't know if it actually would, but I was hoping so. That shit was nasty.

I also checked the sword out. I was afraid to test how sharp it was, as Flo warned me that it hurt like a bitch. That said, if it cut through the leg of the spider then it was definitely sharp. I looked it over and noticed more details today than I saw before.

"Runes," I muttered, tracing them with my fingers. The sword was icy to the touch. "What do they say?"

"I do not know. The language predates us. The sword itself might, but I do not know much about it. I was a lesser known elemental, so I did not have as many artifacts as some. This was my only one, and I am well proud of it."

"I will do my best to ensure it comes to no harm, then. How would you suggest I explain how I found it to the ponies?"

"Tell them the truth without mentioning me. Twilight will study it and find nothing but that it is enchanted. She will attempt to confiscate it but you will get Celestia to intervene on your behalf."

"That just seems like it will piss Twilight off. Why would I do that?"

"She likes the curiosity you represent. Yes, you anger her, but it is usually a good anger. Where she is quick to anger, you are calm. Where she is usually methodical in her actions, you are impetuous. Where she has failed, you have succeeded."

"What does that mean?"

"I am not entirely certain. All I have to go off of are your past experiences with her. She lusts for you and yet builds up anger. You would do well to distance yourself from her."

"If all you know is my past experiences, how do you know more than I?"

"I pick up on more facial and body expressions than you. I notice what your subconscious has noticed but you have not. And right now, Chrysalis is about to enter your room."

I heard the door open when Flo said her name. I gripped the hilt of the sword and whirled to face the door, standing at a ready position. I relaxed when I saw it was her.

Flo sighed. "She already knows you are dangerous. There is no reason to try to increase your image." Yeah well… Whatever.

"Alert as ever, Navarone," Chrysalis said, smiling. "Are you ready?"

"What is today?"

"The fourteenth of February, I believe. I have a busy schedule, as usual."

"Oh, it's Saint Valentine's Day. I wonder what the ponies are up to…" I knew that if I hadn't broken up with Luna, I would be with her right now, Appaloosa and Chrysalis be damned. I felt a pang in my heart as I realized that. It did hurt, but at the same time I knew it was for the best. If she wasn't going to respect me, I couldn't be with her.

"Saint Valentine's Day? I know the ponies have a ridiculous holiday called Hearts and Hooves Day, but I do not know what you refer to."

"In spirit, the day is the same thing. Ponies take it to a whole new level, though. In my world, the man was expected to do most of the work, as it was seen as more romantic. Here, it looks mostly even. Well, except for in Ponyville, where mares make up most of the population. Hey, you could take your soldier friend on a date."

She looked thoughtful. She even turned her head to look back in the room behind her before turning back to me. "Navarone, how well would you say you know me?"

Flo whispered, "I know her very well"

"Pretty good, I'd say."

She slowly nodded. "I am taking the day off. You will go to my meetings and answer their demands as I would. If this goes well, I will see about making Saint Valentine's Day an official holiday."

"Chrysalis, how will I know where all of your meetings _are_?"

"Doppel will assist you. She knows my schedule, in case any emergencies come up and I need to be found."

"Speaking of, what if there is an emergency?"

"Have a mage send a large green flare to the roof of the cavern. I will know."

"Awesome. Send Doppel here on your way out and I'll do it."

"Thank you, Navarone. I needed this. Do not damage my kingdom."

"Chillax, bro. I got this."

"I have no idea what you just said, but I feel comforted. Stand still." She walked over to me and began to rub against me. Like, her entire body. It was really weird. "I needed to get my pheromones on you. Until tonight, then." With that, she went back to her room and closed the door behind her. That was kind of awkward.

"That random changeling owes me," I commented as I set the sword on the bed.

"Perhaps. It will be interesting to see how their relationship turns out."

The wait for Doppel didn't take long. "So I'm supposed to lead you around again?" she asked.

"Yep. Lead the way."

"I gotta say, it's gonna be funny watching you lead the kingdom into ruin."

"We'll see. How hard could it be?" I snapped my fingers, remembering something. I quickly strapped my axe on. "Let's go." She just shook her head as she led me to the hole at the end of the hall.

Alright, this day was boring as fuck. Like, I listened to changelings bitch and moan all day. I don't want to write it down. There were no redeeming parts of it at all. Even Flo in my head just seemed to drag me down—no offense, of course. I don't even know why I bothered writing that when she knows everything I'm thinking as I think it.

I hate meta-discussions.

When I got back to my room, I moved the sword off my bed, took the axe off, and just fell on the bed. It was nice, after so long of dealing with useless shit.

Flo began to lightly sing again, but I knew it wasn't time for me to sleep. It did help me relax, though.

I don't know what time Chrysalis poked her head in, but I was back to writing when she did. I was finally able to perfectly record books as they were originally written rather than as I remembered them; Flo was able to dredge up what I knew but forgot. I was planning on writing all of Shakespeare's stuff out and giving them to Luna for a birthday present, if I could find out when her birthday was. I knew Luna would see that they were published, even if they were darker than Celestia would like.

"Navarone," Flo said, breaking my concentration. "Chrysalis is here."

I set the quill down and turned around. "How did it go?" I asked.

"Better than I expected, but not as well as I dreamed." She shrugged. "Well enough. I trust my kingdom is not going to collapse?"

"It shouldn't. Also, fuck your life."

She grinned at that. "Yes, the life of a royal is not amusing. I imagine your princesses feel the same, though having two of them lets them split the load at least slightly. There are few I can swap with, though."

"Raise some of the smarter ones to take your place sometimes. Maybe you could create an actual dynasty and pass the torch while you retire and serve only as a source of advice."

"I might think on that. The children you gave me will probably be intelligent enough. Between the three of them they might be able to handle the kingdom. It is a nice thought, though I don't know what I would do with myself if I didn't have a kingdom to run."

"Travel the world. Go to parties. Act as an ambassador of sorts." I shrugged. "I'm sure you can figure something out."

"Yes… Yes, that does sound nice. I will definitely put thought in that. Now, I need to know when you will leave the hive. A definite answer, not 'a few days.'"

"If you no longer need me, I can leave tomorrow. I know my time is running short, and Taya is probably missing me. Knowing Twilight and her friends, they might be planning a rescue operation for me."

"Fools. I will have an escort waiting for you when you are ready to leave. They will take you back to your little town. I would offer to let you stay here forever, but I already know your answer."

I just held up my hands and shrugged in a general, 'Ey, what-are-ya-gonna-do' way. She rolled her eyes.

"Is your new boy toy in your room?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Before you start torturing him, send him in here. I want to say something to him."

"Please don't threaten him. He knows just the right things to say sometimes."

"I won't. It shouldn't take long, either."

She nodded. "You may borrow him, then. If I am gone in the morning, know that I will miss you."

"Same here. Your hive is a pretty cool place, even though I almost died here at least twice."

"And it's a shame you had to be there for this time of trials. But that is life."

"Yep. Now go on, you do look tired."

"Good night, then." With that, she walked back into her room. A moment later, her new little toy stepped into my room, looking very nervous.

I walked up to him and knelt down. "Hold up one of your front hooves," I told him. He did. I lightly punched it. "You owe me. Now, go get her." He grinned and went back into her room. I pulled the door closed and went back to writing.

That night, I had Flo show me some history. Some of the fights between the elements were fucking amazing. She showed me the largest battle there was before she was trapped, wherein earth, fire, and water elementals all fought each other in a massive orgy of violence. It was awe-inspiring, and I'm not a man that truly enjoys violence. From what I saw, most of the fire elementals looked like balrogs and the earth elementals looked like titans. The water elementals came in every kind of body type you could imagine.

It's just, I've never seen a battle of that magnitude before. Each group of elementals brought a large war band with them. The water elementals had unarmored troops with spears and daggers, the fire elementals had troops with heavy weapons of every type and a mishmash of armor. The earth elementals had troops with heavy and bulky armor, most of which didn't even have weapons.

The water troops were light on their feet and dodged most of the attacks. The fire troops dished out as much damage as they could, letting their armor take some blows and trying to dodge everything else. The earth troops just lumbered into combat and went swinging their fists left and right, trying to hit things and letting their armor take all of the damage. The three groups were relatively evenly matched.

The stalemate was broken at the sound of laughter. A fountain of earth erupted from the center of the melee and an abomination flew from the created hole. This… thing… When I try to write it, I can't think of anything that fits. There was nothing even remotely recognizable about it. It was hard for me to even focus on it; whenever I tried looking at it, my eyes would just slip past and try to look beyond it. It was just… monstrous. Terrifying. Hideous.

And powerful. I heard its voice ring out. "I love a party, but I _hate _not getting invited. I do hope you don't mind if I crash it." Several of the troops appeared to go insane just looking at it, attacking their fellows. All of water elementals began to retreat, trying to pull as many of their troops away as they could. The fire and earth elementals tried to fight it, but it just laughed as it dodged and absorbed all of their attacks. Unfortunately, Flo didn't get to see the end of the battle.

At the end of the history thing, I saw that she was getting a little blue. I pulled her close and just held her, knowing that nothing I could say would help. I like to think she appreciated it.


	56. Chapter Fifty-Four

Chapter Fifty-Four—Seriously, fuck Appaloosa

When I got up the next morning, Chrysalis actually was gone. I was kind of disappointed she wasn't going to see me off, but I understood that she needed to make sure I didn't fuck anything up. I wrapped the sword in the silk, threw my weapons and bag on, and walked out my room. There were several guards waiting in the hall. One walked up to me, saluted, and held out a letter.

"The queen asks that you give this to Celestia," he told me.

I took it and slid it in a pocket. "Is she expecting a response?"

"Yes. I am to wait in Appaloosa for it."

"Cool. Let's go."

The trip back to Appaloosa was uneventful, thankfully. And it was also short, since we could fly. I was even more thankful of that; the sword and the silk were heavy. Right before we got to within sight of the town, the main changeling group broke off and the remaining one turned into an eagle that perched on my shoulder.

"You better not shit on me," I said as I walked into town. He just let off a piercing screech.

I want to say there was fanfare upon me entering, but fans don't glare at you. I figured I probably could have handled the situation better, all things told, but I also didn't care because I wasn't planning on being there long.

Flo whispered, "You should care more about the feelings of the ponies. Should you anger them too far, they might not be happy to allow you to remain." I knew that, but she did have a point. Still, I couldn't see a reason for ever coming back to this hodunk town, aside from when I would return to break Flo out or maybe to visit the changelings.

Anyway, word of my arrival must have spread, because I was quickly met by a running Taya and a walking group of friends. Friends that I might add didn't look overly pleased to see me.

Thankfully Taya didn't plow me into the dirt with a hug, but she did hug me. I returned it as best I could with a sword and a massive amount of silk in my hands.

"Password?" she whispered.

"Illegal," I answered.

"Darling, what is that?" Rarity asked, looking at the wad in my hands.

"Giant cave spider silk," I answered. "I'll give it to you on the condition that you make me a set of clothes out of it. The rest is yours."

Twilight's anger disappeared momentarily. "Giant cave spider? I've never heard of such a thing!"

"Yeah. We found it in a petrified forest that was in one of the giant ant tunnels after they attacked the hive. That spider put up a hell of a fight, too. So did the ants, but that's not really important. Is there a blacksmith in town? I need a sheath and my axe needs to be repaired. Oh, and Spike: I have a letter that needs to go to Celestia."

And the anger returned. Pissing off Twilight is so easy. "And you shouldn't do it," Flo said. It's probably a good thing Flo couldn't hurt me. "I could if I wanted to." Dammit.

Before I could get yelled at, I said, "Twilight, I already know. You don't need to yell at me." She opened her mouth but I stuck a finger to her lips. "Shhh." She glared at me and tried speaking. "Shhhh, I'm here." I bent down and gently hugged her.

"Nav, you bet—"

"Shhhh."

"I mean it, y—"

"Shhhhh."

"Oooh!"

"Shhh."

At this point the girls were just cracking up. Spike was on his back laughing. Various random unimportant ponies were looking at us in confusion.

"FINE! Hmph!" I let her go and stepped back. Not quickly enough to avoid a kick to the shin, but I probably deserved that. "Now, what was that about ants? And a spider? And a petrified forest?"

I handed the letter to Spike as she was talking. He sent it away in a flash. I turned back to her. "Exactly as I said."

"I bet that fight was so cool!" Rainbow said, flying a bit.

"They both sucked. I got my ass stomped by a spider and had to watch too many changelings get murdered by the ants. Although I did get to ride a giant ant and use its antennas to control it."

"Nav, that's silly," Twilight said. "Ants don't work like that."

"Tell that to them. Well, if they weren't all dead. Chrysalis killed the queen and the others just stopped."

"They don't work like that either!"

None of us were paying any attention to her. I was getting more questions from the others that I was doing my best to answer. When Spike coughed an answer up, the conversation sort of lulled.

Enough for Twilight to break in, at least. As I handed the letter to the changeling and he took off, she said, "And what about that sword? Where did you get it?"

"Found it at an altar in the center of the rest. From what I can tell, it's enchanted with some kind of cold thing."

Twilight scoffed. "Impossible. Weapon enchanting is an art that was lost before ponies came about. There's only one enchanted weapon in all of Equestria."

"Make that two, because this fucker's old. Dash, you mind testing it?"

"What?! Why me?"

"Because you're the Dash. You're tough and strong and all that shit. You don't have to."

Her eyes shifted from side to side before sighing. "Fine. But that better not ruin my chances with the Wonderbolts!"

Since Flo didn't say anything, I figured it was okay. "Hold out your leg, then."

Fluttershy and Rarity looked away. Pinkie somehow got a bowl of popcorn. Applejack looked concerned, but didn't say anything. Twilight had a premature smug look on her face. Rainbow gulped and held one of her forelegs out. I lightly gripped it and carefully ran the sword across it. Dash let off a cute little squeak.

She lowered her leg and looked down on it. It was obviously cut, but there was no bleeding. "What's—OH CELESTIA!" She began to shiver and fell to the ground, trying to curl up to preserve as much heat as possible.

"Taya, heal her!" Twilight was too shocked to do anything and Rarity was panicking. Taya's horn lit up and Rainbow's wound quickly closed.

Flo whispered, "She needs heat. Healing closes the wound and stops the spread, but she will still be cold for a little while."

I grabbed the bundle of spider silk and dropped it on top of her, doing my best to wrap her up. That done, I stood up and brushed myself off. Most of the Appaloosan ponies were glaring at me, while Fluttershy was trying to get a shaking Rainbow Dash to tell her how she felt. Pinkie was distracted by her popcorn. Rarity managed to stop panicking. Twilight was examining the sword where I dropped it.

I walked over and picked it up. "Where's the blacksmith?" I asked aloud.

"What do those runes say?" Twilight asked.

"No clue. Blacksmith?" I knew I wasn't going to get an answer, but it was worth trying.

Flo whispered, "No it wasn't." Yeah well, fuck you too.

"I need to study that sword, Nav. It's dangerous!"

"So is my axe and this crossbow, but I don't see you studying them."

"Neither of those are magical! There's no telling what other effects this sword might have!"

"Fine. You can do whatever after I get a sheath for it. I don't want what happened to poor Dash to happen to me."

We both looked over to her to see her finally standing up on shaky legs. She was trying to get the silk off her, much to the amusement of everyone.

I turned to look at Twilight and she sighed. "Fine. You can get your stupid sheath. But I'm going with you! You're not going to hide this sword from me!"

"Why would I do that? That's stupid." I turned to Taya. "Come on, we're going to find a blacksmith."

She trotted up to me, much closer than she usually stands. I gently stroked her back before turning back to Twilight. "Lead the way."

"You know, if you had taken the tour you could have found it yourself."

"Shhhhh." She just rolled her eyes and started walking off. Taya, Spike, and I followed. When we were out of earshot of the others, I said, "Alright, you can ask your questions now."

"_Finally_! What happened with the giant ants? How big was the spider? What kind of venom did it use? How did the queen control her ants? What were their tunnels like?"

"One at a time, Twilight. When I left, Chrysalis didn't know why the ants attacked, or if she did she didn't tell me. They came out of one tunnel and began swarming, tearing changelings to pieces. They didn't seem to notice me at all. They were vulnerable to my crossbow and my axe. When their antennas were cut off, they went berserk. When you pulled on them you could control them. I didn't see the ant queen at all. I was protecting the nursery when Chrysalis killed her in some other part of the hive. Their tunnel reminded me of an intestine. It was shorter and less even than the changeling tunnels. We didn't follow it all the way, we stopped at the petrified forest. That place was perfectly preserved. Eggs in nests, spider webs hanging around, leaves and grass set up perfectly. At the center was an altar, with this sword resting on it. Chrysalis took it with magic and as soon as I grabbed it the spider made itself known. It was about fifteen feet tall, I'd say. Five meters. Evil fucker. Used web to fight. We managed to kill it with losses. That's when we turned back."

I know she wanted to ask me a question, but that's when we got to the blacksmith and I wouldn't have been able to hear her anyway. Taya and I entered, with Twilight and Spike waiting outside.

The blacksmith—or at least, I think it was him, it might have been an apprentice—looked up. "Oh, it's _you_. We don't serve your kind here." I put a hand on Taya's back before she did or said anything. I reached into my pack and pulled out a sack. He just rolled his eyes. "What kind of trash do you have to barte—"

He was cut off by the sound of clinking coins as a hundred bits hit the floor. His mouth dropped. Thankfully, none of the bits rolled too far from where they fell. "I need a sheath and I need my axe repaired."

He slowly managed to come to his senses and looked back up to me. "I don't care what kind of money you have. I ain't making nothing for you."

"Props for sticking to your guns. Taya, come. If he chooses to be narrow-minded, I shan't disturb him any longer."

I turned to walk out the shop. "Ain't you forgetting something?" the blacksmith asked.

I turned my head back. "I have two more bags like that in my bag. Keep it. You're going to need the money if you turn people away because you disagree with them."

When we got outside, Twilight asked, "Don't you need to leave the sword there for him to make measurements?"

"He did not desire my business. Asshole. I need to go to the general store next. Maybe I'll have more luck there."

"Oh come on! Can't we just go back to where we're staying and talk about what happened in the hive?"

"We can talk about it after I get some wire. I need to repair my crossbow."

"Ugh. You just break everything you touch, don't you?"

"Depends. I've touched you in several ways and in multiple places and you aren't broken yet." Flo giggled at that, for some reason.

Twilight tried to hide her blush by turning away and walking off. I just followed her. The other two passively followed us. It didn't take us long to get to the general store. This time I sent Twilight in with some money to buy the kind of wire I needed. Since this was a farming community I was hoping they would have something that would work.

As it turns out, they did. Twilight came out with the wire and off we went to where we were staying. I soon found out that it was an almost identical farmhouse to the one Applejack had. It even had plenty of rooms. The only real downside was that Braeburn lived there. I was hoping that I had made myself clear, but just in case I moved into Taya's room. She had taken over a two bed room anyway, in anticipation of me staying with her. I dropped my bag and most of my weapons off upstairs and took the crossbow and the sword down to the kitchen, where Twilight was waiting with a lot of paper, a quill, and some ink.

I began giving her a more complete picture as I fiddled with and repaired the crossbow as best I could. When I got done with that I moved onto the sword, doing my best to see if any kind of maintenance was required on it. When the conversation ended, Twilight said, "I don't like it, Nav. I want to go down there and study that forest and the altar. Just think of what we could learn! That sword is enchanted. Who knows what powers the altar could have?"

"It doesn't have any," Flo answered.

"We tried touching it. If it has any, they aren't immediately apparent. I doubt it does anyway. So, what can you tell me about this sword?"

"Enchanted weapons are extremely rare. We thought for the longest time that there was just one in existence. More testing will have to be done on this sword to see if it is actually enchanted or if it is just odd. The only other one we have is a spear, older even than Princess Celestia. As far as we know, it is older than the Fall, but there are almost no documents predating it. The spear was found seven hundred years ago in an archeological dig around Ponitaly."

That's the worst cop-out of a name I've ever fucking heard. "Does it have any kind of name?"

"It's called the Spear of Destiny by some, since it doesn't have an official name. There were no documents about it and the runes have proven to be indecipherable. They are similar to those on this, I believe… Was there any clue on the altar as to what it was called?"

"Not as far as I could see. I think the altar was dedicated to some kind of water entity."

"What indication did you have?"

"The ground around it was lower than everything else. It looked like a pool of water should have been there. Other than that, I have no proof."

Her horn lit up. "I'll have you know that I learned the lie-detecting spell, Nav. What's the truth?"

_Flo?_

"Do not tell her."

"I can't tell you. Maybe it was just a feeling. Maybe it was something I half-saw on the altar itself."

"I can't go off feelings! I need access to that altar… The changelings could be sitting on top of a major archeological find! There's no telling what other manner of artifacts could be down there."

"I'm sure you'll figure something out. Now, what is there to do in this place? Or should I just go find a cloud or something and zone out for hours?"

"Today, I'm afraid there's not anything planned. Tomorrow there's supposed to be a play or song or something by Pinkie. You know how she is."

_Note to self: Find something else to do tomorrow._

Flo whispered, "You need to be there for your friend. She's more sensitive than most of you realize." Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt…

"That's tomorrow, though," I said. "What about today?"

"Well, Taya and Spike went to go help Rarity do something with that silk. Taya to watch magic, Spike to dote. And at the risk of sounding creepy… Nav, I've been dreaming about you. Can we just…" She sighed. "I know you're happy with Luna, but…"

"I broke up with Luna a few months ago."

"YOU WHAT?! Why?"

"It's not…" I wanted to say it wasn't any of her business, but she was a friend. Even if Twilight was annoying at times, I still counted her as somewhat of a friend. "I don't think I should talk about it. It wasn't pleasant."

"How did she take it?"

"It was hard on her. I wouldn't be surprised if she set the dream machine up for sad dreams for a little while. Doesn't she control that at least partially subconsciously?"

Her eyes widened. "That's why I've been dreaming about you! And why the dreams were so…" She blushed. "Well, never mind. We can both ask around, see if anypony else has been dreaming about you."

"Twilight, that sounds like a bad pickup line. You expect me to go around asking people if I've been in their dreams?"

"Oh. Yeah, that could be a problem. I can do all the asking."

"When did the dreams start?"

"A few nights ago, when you were in the hives." When I started talking to Chrysalis about what happened, probably. And when I banged her. That was a good night. For me, at least. I guess Luna wasn't feeling the same. Guess that's what she gets for spying on me.

"Twilight, I have to ask: Were those dreams sexual?"

"Erm… Yes…" She was blushing, scrunching down in her seat and trying to avoid looking at me.

"Well…" I was about to offer to make her dreams a reality.

Flo actually yelled at me this time: "DON'T DO IT! Don't have sex with her again, Nav!"

I'm going to trust the voice in my head over the voice from my dick. Next time that voice better have a good reason, though. "Is there anything going on today we could do?" She looked so excited when I started talking, but seemed to sag when I didn't mention sex. We had a semi-active sex life before I officially got with Luna. She was probably hoping to rekindle that.

"Nothing that I know of," she answered in a morose voice. "I think Braeburn wants to talk to you."

"I'm not certain I want to really talk with him."

"You're staying in his house, Nav. You can't exactly avoid him forever."

I shrugged. "Yeah, but I don't have to avoid him forever. I just have to avoid him for a few days."

"You just have to be difficult about everything, don't you?"

"What can I say? When you're as easy as I am, you have to be difficult."

"What does that me—Oh, you're nasty."

"Yep. Suggestions?"

"Hang out with the others?"

"Sure, why not. Just gotta put this sword up first."

And with that, we hung out for the rest of the day. It wasn't all that great, but eh.

When we got back to the ranch, dinner was on the table. Braeburn was waiting for us with a big ol' smile. "Well heya there, Nav! Welcome back! Sure was quiet around here withoutcha!"

"I can imagine. I'm heading on upstairs, Taya."

"Well hold on there, part.' Don't you want to try my sweet applesauce?"

I did a double take on that one. Then I saw that he was pointing to a bowl of applesauce. "I'm good, thanks."

"What about letting your tongue taste my sweet apple ring?"

If I had been drinking I would have spit it out. I looked at him, my eyes wide. I saw that he was actually pointing at apple rings. "I think I just lost my appetite. Forever. Sorry."

Before he could open his mouth and ruin even more food for me, I made my way to the stairs.

I was having Flo recite a book for me when Taya came up. Flo stopped her recitation with, "Taya is hiding something from you." _That's her business. I don't want to be oppressive._ "It's a parent's job to be concerned. If she's hiding something, you should ask." _Not my business._

I set the quill down and turned to face her. "Did I miss anything, aside from you?"

"You made a lot of people mad. And… I've been having uncomfortable dreams."

I felt my eyes widen a bit before narrowing in disgust. _Dammit, Luna!_ "Yes," I said. "I have been informed of those. I am going to deal with them when we get back to Ponyville."

"I… I don't know if I want to go to sleep again…"

I leaned back and ran my hand through my hair, thinking. I turned back to my desk, pulled out another sheet of paper, and wrote Celestia a quick letter telling her to get Luna to stop making the dream machine thing give ponies wet dreams about me. I mentioned that Taya was afraid of sleeping. When I penned it out I passed it to Taya. "Go give that to Spike. Tell him to send it as soon as possible."

"Alright. And… thanks, daddy." She left and I was alone again.

"Never ends," I sighed.

"No, it doesn't," Flo answered. "And in some cases it just gets worse."

"I gotta ask, how did you stay sane that long?"

"Elementals can't go insane. We can just shut down, in a way. It's easiest for the earth elementals to do it and hardest for the air elementals. You landed in me when I was dormant. When you spoke, I awoke."

"Sorry for disturbing your rest, then. Hope you weren't having a wet dream."

"I would hurt you for that, but Taya would wonder why you were flinching." With that, Taya entered. She didn't have a response.

"Anything going on tomorrow or the day after?" I asked.

"Nothing you'd be interested in."

"And Pinkie's thing?"

"Are you really planning on going to that?"

"Pinkie's a friend and I've been neglecting her recently. I forgot all that she's done for me. I may not like some of what she does, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't support her. I won't make you go."

"Everypo—one else is going."

"Taya, you really should learn to speak like a pony. You probably won't live with me all your life, and you might confuse some."

"And what about you? Why don't you learn to speak like it?"

"Because I have eighteen or so years of not doing it. And because I'm not a pony. And because I couldn't care less if I confuse or piss anyone off. I have well proven myself as useful and capable. You, they might worry about. Besides, there are those that have suggested that I am not fit to father a pony because of what I am. If you start speaking proper pony some of those doubts might go away."

Taya's horn lit up bright for a second before she… she turned into a wee little girl. A _human _girl. A naked human girl. "Then I won't be a pony anymore," she answered. She easily stood and walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. It took me a second to notice my mouth was wide open in shock. "I've been… practicing," she said. "Took me a while to learn to walk."

"No," I finally said. I gently pulled her away from me. "I can't let you do this, Taya. You need to turn back."

"And why not? You have the option of being a pony but you won't take it! Why should you be the only one that gets to live like this?"

"Because this is how I was born! I can't live as a pony, Taya. I feel terrible the entire time I'm in that form. It's just wrong. And you can't live as a human! You'll be hard pressed to find anyone special, you could never have kids without adopting, you'll get strange looks and intolerance, you'll start getting periods… God, I'm not qualified to give you the period talk! You need to turn back, Taya."

She hung her head a bit. "I just want to be closer to you…"

"Taya, you're my daughter. The only way you can be closer to me is if I tied you to my leg. You don't have to be a human for me to love you."

"Then why don't you ever let me stay with you when you have royal duties?"

"Because I don't want you to get hurt. And because I don't want to have to worry about making sure you stay safe. I do not live a safe life, Taya. You being around in those times when I'm fighting means I can't concentrate on staying alive because I have to concentrate on making sure you stay alive. If you're with my friends, I don't have to worry as much about you. I can make sure I get home."

"I can take care of myself…"

"That doesn't mean I wouldn't be worried. I can take care of myself, but you're still worried about me anyway. I do want you to be with me, but I just can't afford the risk of taking you."

She was silent for a moment, still looking down. It took me a moment to realize she was crying. I sighed and pulled her back up against me, plopping her down in my lap. It was kind of awkward since she was naked, but I wasn't going to let awkwardness stop me from comforting my daughter.

I don't know how long we were like that. Sometime later, she finally pushed away from me. "Can I… stay like this, just for tonight? So I don't have to dream?"

"Of course. Just… put some clothes on. I have plenty in my bag, just get the clean ones." I set her back down on the floor. "It's a shame we aren't back on earth," I commented as she walked over. "When you get older I'd probably have to keep the guys off you with a shotgun."

"What's a shotgun?"

"Human weapon. Good for dads."

She pulled some clothes out of my bag and quickly put them on. They were giant on her, but she managed to get them to stay on with belts. When she turned back to me, she saw that I was back to writing. "What are you working on this time?"

"Presents for Luna."

"Why? You don't owe her anything now that you're not dating her."

I didn't tell most of the ponies, but I did tell Taya. "I'm still her friend, Taya. Friends occasionally give each other gifts. This will be a number of plays by a famous playwright, written in her style. I found my inspiration back in the changeling tunnels, and seem to be able to remember them much better."

"I know you're busy, but… can you tell me a story?"

Jesus, this dream shit must have her really upset. Understandably so, though. I would be pretty upset if I had a dream about fucking my dad, or at least someone that I associated with my dad.

I patted the bed next to me. "Anything in particular?"

"A story from where you came from."

"I can work with that…" I took a few moments to think before I realized that I had absolutely no happy stories to tell. _Flo?_ I heard a sigh as she began to recite. I mimicked her, adding my own flair. It wasn't an overly long story, but it was happy.

Taya seemed to enjoy it, at least. I got a few more stories to tell her. When I was finished, she was getting tired enough to probably sleep. I sent her to brush her teeth and she finally went off to bed. With a dreamy and tired, "Night, daddy," she was out, curled up in the blanket on her bed.

I quietly walked over to my bag and ruffled through it until I found my key. "I was going to wait to mention this later, but those items are cursed," Flo said.

_I know. You don't just find random enchanted items like this._ I walked over to the door and locked it with the key.

"Just be careful. If you die, I'll be on my own yet again…"

_Your concern is touching._

"You know I care about you. I would not have offered myself if I did not." I tossed the key at my bag, turned the lights down, and went to bed. I was sung to sleep yet again. That night, we just talked.

When I finally got up, Taya was gone. My clothes were on her bed, so I assumed she turned back. I stretched, feeling a few joints crack. This bed wasn't all that comfortable, but I wasn't expecting it to be. I casually threw the axe belt and my shoes on as I started downstairs.

Then I took it all off when I realized that I needed a shower. I poked around a bit until I found it. From what I could tell, this building was empty. I took a quick shower and went to get dressed again. Thankfully, Braeburn didn't show up or anything.

I did, however, find him waiting in the kitchen. "Well howdy! The girls all left early today, something about a play. They said I could show you around town and bring you by when it's time. You know, you sure do sleep heavy."

"Yeah, I do." _An odd thought came to me, then. I've never been raped by a stallion. Or a guy. Maybe they're more loving than chicks or something._ Man, I think having a chick in my head is turning me gay.

"That was all you," Flo answered with a giggle.

You know what, fuck it. "Well, lead the way," I said with a nod to the door.

He blinked in surprise. "Really? You ain't gonna yell at me some more? Or threaten me?"

"I didn't yell at you at all. And I apologize for threatening you. I am very tired of ponies thinking I'm an animal, or calling me one. I know now you didn't mean to offend."

"And… last night?"

"They didn't tell you? I only eat around once a week. My body is different from a pony's, so I need less food. And I had just gotten back from being in a town full of people that are being rude to me because I'm different or because of the changelings, not sure which. I was in a bit of a testy mood." I shrugged. "Again, I apologize. Now, did you have any plans for the day? Or are you just going to show me around?"

His grin actually made me feel a little better for some reason. "How about you tell me about some of your adventures while I show you around?"

That didn't sound fun at all. "I suppose. I wouldn't be surprised if I had more adventures than you have town, though. Lead the way."

He did just that. I started with Trixie and worked my way through. We ended the tour at an outcropping of rock above the orchard. My legs were dangling down and he was sitting next to me. I was giving him the abridged versions, but even then we had to stop to get to the play in time.

"So what's this thing even about?" I asked.

"Don't know. No pony told me. Hope it ain't as bad as the last little musical she had here," he answered.

"Do I even want to know?"

"Probably not."

I looked around the crowd. It was me, Braeburn, all the girls, Spike, and a small amount of townsfolk. "So where's everyone else?" I asked him.

"Remember the last one I mentioned? Yeah, it was generally considered pretty bad."

_Thanks a lot, Flo._ She murmured something in response.

After a few minutes of waiting, the curtains on the random outdoor stage opened, revealing Pinkie in a tasteful settler dress. Her hair was a bit more ragged than usual and the dress was stained with dirt, as were the dresses of many of those around us.

"Hello everypony, and welcome to my newest play! Or rather, Nav's newest play… Anyway, may I present, Macbeth!"

I face palmed. How did she even get those notes? I wrote them out while I was in the changeling cave! Hell, how did she even practice?

And then my second surprise of the day: She had humans playing the parts! It took me all of two seconds to figure out they were changelings, though: All of the guys were version of me with various clothing and hair styles and colors. All the chicks were copies of a woman I knew, presumably taken from Doppel's memory.

The play was performed perfectly. I don't know how. The only thing they were missing was mood lighting, and they did what they could with magic and a few pegasi for that.

Most of the audience had no idea what was going on. First, human plays are different from pony plays. Second, these people spoke in antiquated English. Third, there was a lot of fucking dying going on. Macbeth's a violent fucking play.

When it finished, there was a smattering of applause. More because it was over than anything else, I imagine. Twilight and Rarity seemed to understand it, but they were kind of horrified at the killing.

When it was over, Braeburn turned to me. "You wrote that?"

"Um. Kind of? I'm not the original writer. I brought it over from my world to here."

"I see." He turned back to the stage for a minute before turning back to me. "You do realize that play didn't make any sense, right?"

"I said the same thing to my high school teacher. She wasn't amused."

"I don't reckon she would be, if all your plays are like this! How's anypony supposed to enjoy them if they can't understand them?"

"Humans and ponies are different. And I would expect the richer classes to enjoy this play more. I was actually planning them as a gift, and I'm not overly pleased that Pinkie let this one get out before I was ready."

He looked around at the crowd that was wasting no time dispersing. "I don't think you'll have to worry about word spreading, Nav."

"Yeah, I don't reckon so. I'll be right back" I hopped up on the stage to go find Pinkie to get my script back and to tell her to fucking ask first. I pushed past the curtain to find Pinkie handing a bag of heart shaped cookies to a changeling. It grabbed the bulging sack and flew away, barely able to get off the ground.

Pinkie waved for a moment before turning to me with a big smile. "What did you think?" she asked.

I held up my hands and gave a gentle golf clap. "Unexpected. You stole a gift and had it done prematurely. I'm not overly happy about that."

"Oh p-shaw! How else was I supposed to get you to apologize and talk with Braeburn? He really likes you, you know."

"No accounting for taste, I suppose… In what way does he like me?"

She giggled. "That's the fun part! With you and Luna finished, you've been so depressed lately. And she has too, apparently, given that everypony has been dreaming about you for days. I figured I could hook you up with Braeburn!" She wasn't one of those that I told about me and Luna being done.

"And you didn't see any problems with this."

"Nope! Why would I?"

"Pinkie, I'm not attracted to stallions."

"Well, you're not attracted to mares either. That doesn't stop you from having a bit of fun though."

I opened my mouth to respond, but had to close it when I realized she did kind of have a point. Hell, I'm already a horse fucker. But… I'm not a homosexual horse fucker.

I shook my head. "Sorry, Pinkie. It's just not for me. I do appreciate you trying to look out for me, though. Especially given that little spat a few months ago."

I felt an invisible slap across the face. "Why would you even mention that?" Flo asked.

Pinkie looked depressed for half a second before popping back up. "You never know until you try!"

"Nay, Pinkie. I've done many an odd thing, but I won't be adding that. Now come, I'm sure you have some adoring fans to talk to."

She gasped in surprise before galloping through the curtain. I smiled slightly and followed, knowing that only the girls, Spike, and maybe Braeburn were back there.

I found that I was right. Pinkie looked disappointed, but was still talking very animatedly about the play with them. Most of them didn't know what the fuck it was about.

Twilight did and was talking to Pinkie in excited tones about motifs or something silly. The others looked like they were sidling away, trying to sneak off. I walked up to the group, picked Taya up, and walked away. I didn't really have a plan of what to do, but I figured anything would be better than letting Taya suffer like that. Or suffering myself.

The others, perhaps emboldened by my brave deeds, tried their best to sneak off. Fluttershy was the last one left and was backing up until Twilight called out, "Don't you agree, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy eeped and looked back, trying not to look guilty. "Um… yes? I mean no! I mean… I don't understand the question?"

Letting Fluttershy be our scapegoat, the rest of us made sure to get out of earshot. Twilight's friends went one way. Braeburn, Taya, and I went another. Braeburn spoke up as we walked to some unspecified destination. "So how did you and Taya meet, Nav? She said you were her father. I don't know much about science, but I don't think it works like that."

"Found her in Egypt. Brought her to Equestria." I shrugged. "Simple as that."

"No it isn't," Taya said. "You always do this! Oversimplify the good you do and embellish the bad! Why do you want everyone to think you're such a bad person?"

"Because if they think I'm bad they won't be surprised when I do evil. I won't have to see the hurt in their eyes. I won't have to see the horror and sorrow of a good man gone bad. I'll just see the recognition, the haunted look of someone who sees exactly what they expect. Braeburn, what else is there to do in this little town?"

He was looking at me in horror.

"What?"

Taya rolled her eyes and used her magic to trip me. "I suppose that counts." I picked myself off the ground and continued walking.

"Nav… what is _wrong _with you?" Braeburn asked, fear or something else in his voice.

"A lot of things. You going to answer my question?"

"Not until you tell me what that means! What kinda pony says that about himself?"

"I ain't a pony, Braeburn. Just because we're both sentient doesn't mean we'll have the same thought process. Now, what can we do?"

"You just said something so dark and depressing… and then you immediately asked me what I want to do like there ain't no problem in the world. That ain't normal, part'!"

"Your definition of normal and abnormal does not apply to me, Braeburn. Again, I'm a human. You don't know how we think versus how ponies think. Trust me when I say that I'm fine."

"Well… why did she knock you down?"

"Because I called myself a terrible person and she doesn't like that."

"Is it true?" he asked. "Are you a terrible pony?"

"Yeah, I'm a terrible pony. But she doesn't care what kind of pony I am. I don't either."

"Uh… are you a terrible person, then?"

Taya finally spoke up. "Of course he's not! He's a hero!"

"I think anti-hero might be the better term," I corrected. "I have done good, yes. But I've also done evil." I have this conversation way too many times. "It honestly doesn't matter, Braeburn. I'll be heading home tomorrow. I just want to have one good memory of this town before I go."

He looked reluctant to drop it, but I guess my dull tone convinced him that it wasn't a subject worth pursuing. That was probably a good thing for him. I'm tired of getting pity. "Well, I reckon you could tell me more of your adventures. They seem pretty interesting."

I sighed. "Fine. Not like I have anything else to do but write. That outcropping was nice, we can go back there."

"Sounds good to me!" He started off towards it. Taya and I followed.

"Taya, you are welcome to go with the others or continue your lessons with Twilight. I know you have to get bored hearing me tell others about what I've done." Lord knows I get bored with it.

"Someone—" I ahemmed again. "Ugh! Some_pony_ has to make sure you tell the truth."

"What, you don't trust me?"

"I don't trust you to tell things as they actually happened. I think it's more likely you'll skim over the good and focus on the bad."

"Just because that's true doesn't mean it's bad."

"It's dishonest! It doesn't paint an accurate portrayal of who you are."

"Well, I'm also not a very honest person." She couldn't really deny that.

Braeburn could, though. "You don't seem so bad to me. A bit odd, yeah. But so far you seem all talk and no bite. And I don't think you've told me any lies."

"Have I had a reason to lie to you, Braeburn?"

"Well I don't think so. But I can't think of a reason to lie to anypony!"

"I hope your life stays that simple, then. I hope you continue being honest. It does save a lot of trouble, sometimes."

"What kind of things have you ever had to lie about?"

I shrugged and gave him a list. Not an overly long one, but all of them were situations wherein telling the truth would have been worse than lying.

"Well, none of those makes you a bad pon—er, person! Those are just things ya gotta do. Ain't got no choice in the matter."

"I never said I thought I was bad because of lying." I waited to get tripped, but nothing came. I began looking around again, seeing the surroundings. We were in the trees, now. "I gotta say, Braeburn: For a town full of dicks, you guys did a wonderful job with these trees. I wouldn't have imagined them being able to grow out here."

"The townsponies ain't so bad… You just didn't exactly give the best impression. You sided with a monster over a pony."

"I sided with justice. There was more to the story of that dog and the changelings than any pony knows. I did what needed to be done."

I heard Flo say, "Who are you trying to convince of that, Navarone? You know Celestia would have been kinder to him than feeding off him for the rest of his life, while at the same time making sure he was no threat to anyone."

"If you say so, Nav," Braeburn said doubtfully. "The others just don't like it. Dogs aren't uncommon around here, though most of them are pets and can't talk. Whatever that bug thing was… she looked like a real monster. And you sided with her over a critter that we all know for loyalty and affection. You ain't gonna earn many fans for stuff like that."

"I stand by it. Enough of this dark talk." We were at the outcropping now. "Let me tell you how I helped the slaves. At least if you hide the dark spots of that it sounds like an awesome tale." We sat down and I told yet another story. Twilight showed up some time in the middle of the third or so and stole Taya away.

It was just me and Braeburn telling stories, then. He was telling me about himself and how the town was founded and about the buffalo. I was telling him about some of the events happening outside of Appaloosa and a bit about myself. It was a nice night, and I think back fondly on it. I was glad I decided to give him a chance.

(Sex is coming up. If you don't want to read it [I don't blame you] just go to the next chapter)

We talked on that little outcropping for several hours. I still had a little bit of alcohol left in a flask that I passed back and forth; neither of us could get drunk off that much, but at least it kept our throats wet.

"Sounds like you haven't had that much luck with the mares, Nav," he said when I got finished explaining what happened with Luna.

"I haven't had much luck at all. This world… fuck it."

"It really ain't that bad, Nav. I mean, if you try something so many times and keep getting the same result, maybe you should try something different."

I was silent for a while after that, thinking. I knew he was right, up to a point. A lot of my problems in life were caused by doing the same thing over and over. I could probably solve a lot of them by just going at them in a different way. It's just… change isn't always good. And it's hard sometimes to try new things.

"You're right, up to a point," I finally said. "I can only do so much different. Some things are too deeply ingrained in me to change and some would be too much work. But… I might try some new things." It took me a moment to realize what I implied.

He was looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

I sighed. "I've… I've never tried anything like _that_, Braeburn," I said. "And there are physical differences that could wind up with me seriously injured."

_Flo, any advice?_

"This is all you," she answered me. "From everything I can tell, he's willing to do anything you're comfortable with."

I slowly nodded. "If we go slowly, I'm willing to try." His grin split his face. Before he could say anything, I held up a hand. "Those physical differences I mentioned… I'm smaller than a pony, if you know what I mean."

"Well shoot, part'! That won't be a problem at all. It'll even make this easier. Now, just get outta that fancy getup and we can get started."

I took a second to decide if I really wanted to do this. I was really on the edge. I was willing to try it but at the same time I was afraid. I sagged a bit and removed my shirt, stretching my wings out wide. It felt good to air them out sometimes. Braeburn let out a low whistle and I flinched, not used to something actually liking my human body.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I'm… I'm not used to someone actually liking the way I look. Luna hated being a human and I hated being a pony. I think I've only had a few lovers that actually liked my body."

He scoffed. "Don't know why. You're a little odd, but…" He licked his lips. "Odd ain't always bad." His eyes went to my pants. "Of course, you ain't quite finished yet." I said a quick prayer and undid my belt. I wasted no time removing my pants and kicking them aside. "Huh. I was expecting more hair."

"That's what the dragon said," I commented, actually blushing for the first time in a while.

"Now, now, don't you be thinking about her any. I'll treat you like a right gentlecolt. You just rest your back down there on the ground and we can get started."

I took a deep breath and gently sat down. He walked up to me before I could lay back any and brought his lips to mine. I was surprised, not expecting him to actually do anything like that. After a moment, I let him into my mouth. I felt his tongue exploring as mine receded, the fear I was still feeling making me hesitant to act.

Perhaps sensing my reluctance to act, Braeburn pulled back. "Relax, Nav. If you want me to stop anything I'm doing, just tell me."

I let out a breath and nodded. "Okay. Okay, I'm ready." _I hope._

He nodded and put a hoof on my chest, gently pushing me back. I leaned back onto my arms, not wanting to lie on the ground for fear of hurting my wings. He grinned at my member. "The big difference between mares and stallions is that it's a lot easier for stallions to have fun with smaller toys."

That actually made sense, thinking about it. I was going to think about it further to have a method of escapism, but he ruined that by taking my manhood into his mouth. I let out a gasp as he worked his tongue around it, trying to get me hard. As strange and uncomfortable as this situation was, Braeburn was doing his best to make it feel good. It didn't take me long to harden, filling up more of his mouth and making him grunt in pleasure at the feel. He used his forelegs to push my legs out of his way, giving him better access by holding my legs open.

He pulled back so that just the head was in his mouth. His big green eyes looked up at mine as he circled the head with his tongue before bobbing back down, taking it in up to the base and wrapping his tongue around, moaning as he did so. My heart rate began to pick up as he continued pleasing me with his mouth.

I felt a hand go unbidden to his head. I threw his hat to the side and began rubbing at one of his ears, while the other hand tried to hold me off the hard ground. In response, he bobbed down again, taking all of me inside. I felt his tongue lick out and caress my balls, cradling them and wetting them before he pulled back up and continued playing with just the head.

I was starting to pant as he kept up the blowjob, not wanting it to end but at the same time unable to stop myself from peaking sooner than ever.

"Brae-Braeburn, I'm… I'm about to…"

His eyes locked with mine as he bobbed down again, ready to catch the seed that finally erupted into his throat. I felt his tongue reach out and cradle my balls again, trying to get as much as possible. My hand left his ear and went to the back of his head, trying to keep him down so he couldn't pull away if he tried.

When he finally milked as much as he could from me, I felt him begin to pull away, his tongue finally releasing me. I let my hand fall away and he stepped back, grinning. "See there? That wasn't so bad, was it?"

I had finally caught my breath. "That might have been the best blowjob I've ever gotten," I sighed. "You did better than a princess."

He blushed. "Well shoot. It takes a stallion to know how to please a stallion. Now, you wanna head on back? It's getting kinda late."

I took a moment to think._ I've come this far. What's the harm in finishing it?_ "No. You did… this for me. The least I can do is attempt to return the favor."

He looked shocked but pleased. "You sure, Nav? I won't ask ya to."

"No, I'm not sure. Just… lay down on your back. And take your vest off."

He nodded and stripped out of the little vest he had. He tossed it aside to join his hat. He got on the ground and rolled onto his back, his hooves sticking up a bit in the air. His head tilted up to look at me. "Don't worry too much about being careful with me," he said. "I don't mind it rough."

I grimaced a bit at memories before gently caressing his sheath. He sighed in pleasure as I slowly worked his large stallionhood out, rubbing my hands on it as it quickly increased in size. "Oh, why can't ponies have hands?" he whispered.

I booped the head of his shaft. "Because that would look silly." I continued rubbing him as I asked, "Two choices. Do you want me to use my mouth or my wings?"

"Why not… why not both?"

I stretched my wings out fully. "Well, I'll give it a shot…" I took a moment to wonder what my dad would say if he saw me now before moving my face in and gently kissing the tip. _I can't fit it all in my mouth_… I reached my tongue out and circled the head as I brought my wings in and began caressing the shaft with them, feather-light touches making him sigh in pleasure.

My tongue continued tasting his member as I worked just the head inside of my mouth, wrapping my lips around it and flicking out against his urethra, pressing in just a little to tease before pulling back and circling some more.

One of my hands went down to his sack to gently massage his balls while my other held him in place, making sure he didn't escape my playful tormenting. I moved my eyes away from his furry stomach to look at his face. His eyes were closed and he was biting his lower lip, blushing up a storm. I giggled and he finally let out a moan. I let my eyes return to my workspace as I continued toying with him.

I pulled my mouth away from his tip with a pop. He groaned as I ran my tongue down the shaft and lifted one of my wings to circle his head while I gently sucked on his balls, my hands continuing to run along his shaft.

"N-nav…" he moaned as I continued. He was getting close. I moved my mouth back up to his tip and let my wings continue toying with his shaft. I saw one of his hooves moving up to my head. I grabbed it with one of my hands and pushed it away.

I worked his head into my mouth again and began taking more of him inside. I wouldn't be able to deep throat, but I could please him more by getting more inside. I grinned as I heard him moaning and I continued circling his head with my tongue, hoping to finish this quickly.

"I'm… I'm gonna…" I pulled my mouth away and let my wings pick up the pace, driving him to finish as I got away from the blast zone. I aimed him away with my hands as he messily squirted, coating the rock a few feet away with his juices. I continued rubbing him and letting my wings toy with him as he squirted a bit more out. I continued until he began to go limp, finally exhausted. "That… that was amazing," he sighed.

I pulled my wings away. "Consider that my apology for how I treated you earlier," I said.

"So… you're rethinking stallions?"

"I can't really imagine a relationship with one… but I don't know if I would mind doing this again. Honestly, this might be a onetime thing… I like mares too much."

He slowly nodded, rolling over so he could stand up again. "I understand, Nav. It ain't for everypony. Still, you gave it a chance. And by Celestia, what a chance it was! I ain't ever been treated like that before!"

I fluttered my wings. "They're good for something, at least. So, you ready to head on back?"

He looked up at the sky to see the sun finally sinking below the horizon. "I reckon we should, but I don't really want to. This was fun, Nav."

"Well, if you ever come to visit Applejack and I'm in town, maybe you can convince me to make that onetime thing happen again."

He grinned. "I might just do that."


	57. Chapter Fifty-Five

Chapter Fifty-Five—One of these days, these mares are going to kill me.

We left early the next morning. While we were on the train, a message for me came in on Spike. It had a train pass from Celestia to get me free rides anywhere forever and an order to continue riding the train until I got to Canterlot. She needed to talk to me in person. She didn't say why she didn't teleport me. I just shrugged and sat back, continuing the ride in silence.

When I finally got to Canterlot, I flew straight to the palace. The guards let me in with no problem, directing me to the sitting room. Right then and there, I formed a plan for what to do with the furniture in that place. It was an evil plan that made me smile.

When Celestia finally came in, she caught me testing the weight of some of the furniture. "What are you doing, Nav?" she asked as the door slid shut.

"Oh, you know." I let the table drop down the floor. "What did you need?"

"A few things. First, this came for you." She passed me an envelope. I slid it into a pocket. "Open it and read it now." I shrugged and did so.

"An invite to the… Fabulous Flankfurt Festival. For me and a date." I looked up. "Where the fuck do they come up with these shitty names?" Apparently Flankfurt is in the region of Germaneigh. I shit you not.

She ignored the question. "The fact that you have an invite is less important than who it came from. Read that part." I looked down at that part.

"Clutch leader Pyrite, head of the dragon horde." I looked up. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"

"That is one way to put it, yes. It is possible he didn't hear about what you did with Kumani, yes, but if you got that invitation from him there is a good probability that he did." She paused to let that sink in. "Of course…" She floated me several other envelopes. "It wasn't just him that sent you one. So you're probably okay."

"Oh you bitch! You did that on purpose!" I snatched them out of the air and began opening them. An invite from the griffins, the dogs, the naga, and one from Celestia herself. "So does this mean I can bring five dates?"

"No. You may bring one. I will be attending this year and I will have my own guards, so you are free to enjoy the party as you would. Do you plan to attend?"

"I do. And I don't suppose you'd be interested in revoking the ban on me participating in the tournament?"

"I will consider it. The environment this year is one well suited to your… traits."

"Are you being racist again?" She smirked. "It's because I'm a monkey, isn't it?" That smirk turned into a smile. "I bet it's a fucking jungle." She giggled. "I'd love that. Are the changelings going to be there?"

The smile on her face dropped. "There will be a changeling delegation. Chrysalis will not be there. Navarone, I know you like the changelings, but keep your interactions with them to a minimum while at the party. The dogs are furious that the changelings even get a delegation, after what happened with the Diamond Dog miners. I_ do not_ need them to find out that you were involved. And on that note, I need to look into your memories again, to learn the truth of what Twilight did while she was in the hive."

I sighed. "Feel free." _Flo, protect yourself if you must._

Celestia bent her head down and lightly touched my forehead with her horn. It lit up and she began poring through my mind. It took a lot longer than I was expecting. When she pulled away, she looked a bit disturbed. "Navarone, you are way too close to Chrysalis."

"Well, she's a good friend. And she probably has my children."

"I did research. Those aren't your children. She's fertile, but she can't have children with things outside of her species. She lied to you, Nav. Do not trust her, and never enter any of her hives alone. Do not even be around her alone. I understand that you like her, but at the same time you of all pon—people know what she's capable of and how evil she truly is." So who is telling the truth and who is lying? I wouldn't hold it past Celestia to lie to me about that, if she thought it would keep me under control.

"I trust her precisely because I know how evil she is. But very well, Celestia. I prefer you anyway. Squishy is preferable to crunchy any day." She rolled her eyes.

"There is then the issue of your enchanted sword. Twilight already sent me a preliminary report. I see that you have it with you." I managed to secure it in my pack. I got a few odd looks with a blade sticking out of it, but I didn't give any fucks. "May I examine it?"

"Do you really need to ask? I mean, what would you do if I told you no?"

"It's a nicety, Nav. It pays to pretend to be polite." While we had that little back and forth, I was pulling the sword out. I held it up for her.

"Interesting…" She held it up with her magic. It began to glow a pale blue. The runes carved into it glowed brighter than the rest. After a few minutes of studying it, she passed it back to me. "I can think of no better agent to safeguard this than you, Nav. Before you leave, go to the smith. He can make you a sheath. And he can repair your axe, since it looks like it has seen better days."

I set the sword down and said, "Twilight mentioned a Spear of Destiny. How did it get that name?"

"I do not know. It was referred to that way once and the name seemed to stick. It's not a common topic. The spear is in a museum here in Canterlot. They may know more about it."

"The reason I ask is because there were legends about a Spear of Destiny in my world. The history is… unimportant," and fucked up, "but there was nothing ever proven, I don't suppose. It would have gone missing in Italy or Israel, likely."

She shrugged. "Coincidence. It isn't the first."

"No, but they are starting to add up and are beginning to get eerie."

"You're just getting paranoid, or perhaps you are homesick. You notice little things and connect them to parallels back on your world in an effort to continue adjusting."

Sounds like bullshit to me. "Whatever. You need anything else?"

"Three more points. First, shortly after the Flankfurt party I will need your assistance in a matter. You will not like what you have to do."

"Do I like any of what I have to do for you?"

"You seemed to enjoy assisting me around this time last year. Speaking of which… If you're interested, I can do that again." She might have seen the blood draining from my face. She giggled and said, "I didn't think so. I didn't think you would be interested in ever trying that again. Another thing: In a few months there will be a large scale training exercise for the guards. It will be between Luna's night guards and my day guards. Each side may field a total of five knights. Since Luna only has one, I will only field one. You are going to assist the night guards. Her guard captain is in charge, of course, but you will have some freedom to do as you please. I would not be surprised if you were given a small group to order about."

"So what, it'll be some war games or something? How will it work?"

"The two sides will make camp and mount patrols and the like to try to learn the other team's weakness. Raids and clashes between patrols will be expected. All weapons will be blunted with magic and no pony will be killed. When one side runs out of troops or surrenders, the games are over."

"So it's like two actual enemy camps. Awesome, I can do that. Historically, who tends to win?"

"I do. Luna's side has won plenty of times, but the clear majority of victories are mine. Since she got back she has not won a single game."

"Why wasn't I told last year?"

"You were busy in the Everfree Forest. Now, the last issue: Luna's dreams. I spoke with my servants after you sent that note. They all report dreaming about you. Sexually dreaming about you. Both the males and the females." I face palmed. "I know this has to be incredibly embarrassing and unsettling. I discussed the matter with Luna. She misses you, yes, but it wasn't something she did on purpose. She told me that she was going to do her best to set the dream machine on a setting that avoided dreams of you. She also used the announcement feature to apologize in the dreams of all the ponies."

"There's no way to make them forget? Or to disguise me from them in the future? Celestia, it's a fucking terrifying thought! Ponies across the world dreamed about fucking me! I'll be getting blushes and dirty looks until all the ponies that experienced it die!"

"I know, Nav. I wish there was more I could do, but aside from turning you into a pony to disguise you there is nothing. I'm sorry, but it's just something you'll have to live with. I imagine most ponies will be hesitant to mention it or bring it up anyway; many are too mature."

Maybe that was why all the ponies at Appaloosa hated me. Or at least, another reason for it. I also got a lot of looks on the way here. "The adults are, yes. _Taya _had those dreams, Celestia. I'm sure other children did as well. You just know they're going to ask their parents. And then I'm going to be made out to be the bad guy because of it. And this might even give an entire generation of ponies a crush on me. The shitty life I have here could be ruined over this."

"I know! There is nothing I can do, Nav. I know you don't like it, I know what the consequences are, and I know that it's bad! But unless you feel like going to Luna's room right now and rutting her like a whore, there is nothing either of us can do about it. I'm sorry, but it's just something you're going to have to deal with."

I knew there was nothing she could do, but I was still pissed about it. I just sighed, leaned over, and rubbed at my temples.

She continued, "Now, I know I have no right to ask this of you, but is it possible for you to abstain from sex? If she looks in on you and sees it… Well, that's probably what caused this." Oh, now I was really pissed.

"Or the two of you could fucking _butt out of my life_! Why do neither of you trust me? I know you're constantly watching every little move I make. Have to make sure your tame killer doesn't go off the deep end and start hurting any of your precious ponies, don't you? I'm getting tired of it, Celestia! I am what I am because you made me this way. If you didn't want a killer on a leash you shoulda thought about that before you used a fucking scheme to tame me with love. If you know fucking anything about me by now it's that I don't betray my friends. But you… you don't seem very friendly to me right now, Celestia. You and your sister both are starting to look more and more like you need a dagger in the back. Either fucking trust me to live my life without constantly being watched and judged, or end it here and now." I pulled a dagger out and put it against my chest. "Just push it on in. I might even thank you for ending this hell you put me in."

She looked terrified and ashamed. Her horn lit up and the dagger ripped itself away from me. "We don't watch you to judge you! We watch you because we can't live our lives! We have to live through proxies, through others. We have no privacy, no free time, no chance at love… We just want to live a normal life, Nav. And you're the closest thing to that we have. We watch you to watch what it would be like if either of us could retire. You get the protection of the two most powerful entities on the planet because of it. Do you truly not see that as a fair exchange?"

"No! Look where it fucking got me! Broadcast into the dreams of ponies everywhere as nothing more than a sex object. And if you were truly protecting me, why did you not save me from Twilight's poison? Why did you not save me from Taya's oven? Why did you not save me from Kat? You watch what you want and disregard the rest. You've never once protected me, Celestia. Luna has, a single time. And she was angry about having to do it. You're just digging for excuses to spy on me and your ponies. If I was anything approaching normal, I might buy your excuse about watching as a proxy for living. But you and I both know that I don't have a normal life, Celestia. You don't watch me to pretend to live and saying otherwise is bullshit."

"My sister and I are considerably less normal than you, no matter how tortured you think you are. Yes, you've had a hard time of things. Yes, most of it was my fault. But don't you ever think we haven't been through and done worse. Ever since Luna and I became the heads of state, we have been through more trouble than you could possibly imagine. Discord, crazy unicorns, redefining the entire essence of magic, the dragon wars, the griffin wars, the civil wars, the dog attacks, the entire Nightmare Moon incident and all of its fallback, and then editing and hiding history to make sure none of the ponies ever know that the world of peace I've built was built on the bodies of untold numbers. When we took the throne, the entire world was at war. Entire nations were starving. No pony trusted anypony else. And look at the world today, Navarone. That did not happen overnight. Over six. Thousand. Years. And this is after the entire alicorn nation was wiped off the face of the planet, leaving just me, my sister, and the perverted changelings. So forgive me for thinking you can handle some little things yourself and that I don't need to save you out whenever you hit a hiccup."

I was so tempted to sock her in the fucking jaw. I knew she was right but at the same time I knew what I was saying was true. I was tired of being watched, especially if shit like this was going to come of it. I was also tired of being used. I crossed my arms, knowing I had an underhanded trump. "Then when was the last time you got raped, Celestia?" She jerked back. "When was the last time your best friends took advantage of a weakness, used magic to make you want one of them, and let you just go at it? When was the last time you were locked in a room with one rapist while another guarded the door? Or when was the last time you helped an entire group of people only to have one of them hold you down and make you do whatever she wanted? Or when was the last time you had someone use a friend of yours as a hostage so she could do whatever she wanted to you? Or when was the last time your special somepony used a spell to invade your mind and literally fucking torture you?" We were both pissed and we both needed to vent. I realized I was standing and sank into a seat. I tried to use a softer tone to say, "Fuck Luna. I'm not going abstinent because she can't control herself. If she needs to get laid, I'm sure she can find any number of suitors."

She sighed. "Very well, Navarone. I will talk with her about giving you space. I suppose it honestly isn't fair looking over your shoulder every hour of the day."

"Celestia, you already promised me you would stop that shit. How do I know you aren't just going to both decide to not do it and then do it anyway?"

"Because we can't lie to each other anymore, remember? All we have to do is tell each other that we won't watch you anymore and then we can't."

"But what if it's something you need to see? It is less aggravating and privacy dampening if there is a situation wherein you'll need to watch something."

"Luna and I will deal with that. And I apologize for yelling at you."

"I know that isn't sincere. You need to vent just as much as I do. Hell, probably more so. There ain't no bad blood here."

"If I took the time to truly vent we would probably be here until the kingdom fell into ruin. Now, you need a sheath and to get your weapon repaired. And I need to get back to work. As ever, it was a pleasure seeing you."

"I'm always here if you need me, Celestia. I'll head to the armory as soon as I get my stuff together." She nodded and departed. When she left the room seemed to feel emptier than it should have.

I shrugged and grabbed the knife from where she had dropped it. I slipped the sword back into my pack and was on my way to the armory. When I got there, I passed my axe and my sword off to the blacksmith fellow. I got permission to leave my crossbow and my clothing bag in there and went off to roam around the town. I had been all over the palace before, and the blacksmith told me it would take a few hours for both of the jobs to be done.

So it was in a somewhat apathetic mood that I wandered randomly around the city. I got more than a few unpleasant looks and several blushes as I walked, but not a one of them dared mention the dreams. I kind of wondered how many of them were blushing and were also there at the orgy.

"Nav, be careful!" Flo warned.

I was walking down a side street when I realized that the road was empty except for me and two stallions at one end of the street and a stallion and a griffin at the other. I was in the middle of the street before I noticed that. I looked down both ways and saw that both groups were smiling darkly and edging closer. I tried stretching my wings out to find that I didn't have enough room to do it. I looked up to find that there were overhanging roofs blocking me if I tried turning to fly.

It took me a moment to realize that I walked into an ambush. As soon as I did, I laughed aloud. "Who are you goons working for?" I asked. "A friend of Blueblood's?"

"Now, now, that ain't important," one of the stallions said. "What's important is that you made somepony important a bit angry with you. We're here to teach you a lesson. Now, we can do this the easy way or we can—" He stopped talking when he caught a knife in the eye.

I quickly whipped my shirt off while the other goons were staring in horror. They weren't used to prey that knew how to fight back, I imagined. The griffin reacted quickest, lunging at me. Thankfully for me, he was still far enough away that I was able to rip a dagger out of the belt across my chest and hit him in the chest with it. He went down, injured but not dead.

"YOU SAID HE DIDN'T HAVE WEAPONS!" one of the stallions yelled to the other.

I pulled out another two throwing knifes and tossed them both at the stallion that yelled. He managed to dodge one but the other hit him in the front leg. I turned just in time to duck under a wild swing from the remaining stallion. I pulled out an actual dagger and squared off against him.

"Whattaya say, wanna just walk away?" I asked. "I wouldn't blame you."

He backed away a step. I saw his eyes jerking around to his two injured friends and his dead one. "That fool didn't pay me enough for this!" He bolted. I considered throwing a knife at him anyway, but I figured he could tell the tale of what happened here.

"Tsk tsk tsk…" I said as I walked up to the stallion that I hit in the leg. He managed to stand up and was trying to limp away from me. "The party hasn't even started and you're already trying to leave?"

I grabbed his tail and tugged. He fell down and curled up away from me. "I know you aren't going to tell me who hired you. But you know, I also don't care. I'm pretty sure your friend that just ran away is going to be delivering a very important message. And since you won't tell me what I need to know and I already have a messenger, why do you think I should leave you alive?"

"I-I have a family!"

"And so do I. Didn't think about that before taking this job, did you? Tell you what: I'll spare you. I'll even do one better. I'll get you an audience with Princess Celestia herself."

His eyes widened in horror before my fist crashed against his face once, twice, and then three times. I stood and shook my head before looking to the griffin.

He was trying to stand to continue fighting, but he wasn't doing a very good job. I figured he would bleed out shortly. I whistled a happy tune as I went to find the nearest guard.

A few minutes later, I was standing in front of an unconscious stallion and a half dead griffin in Celestia's throne room. She was giving me a look akin to 'I can't believe I have to deal with this shit.'

She looked up from the hastily sketched guard report and said, "So you're saying these two attacked you."

"There were four. One is dead. I let one go. The one I killed said that they were hired by an important pony to teach me a lesson."

"Why did you let one go?"

"Because he'll spread the word that I am not to be fucked with under any circumstances. And that if anyone does fuck with me and I give them the chance to run, I won't stab them in the back."

She looked ready to retort when the door banged open and Shining Armor ran in. "I got here as fast as I could. What's the problem?"

Celestia waved a hoof at us. "Navarone was assaulted by these two and two others. I want the one that hired them found. And I want the one that he let go found. If possible, find the name of the one he killed and any family that he has and send them a note saying that he was killed. You know what to do."

"Of course, princess." He nodded a pair of guards that I didn't see walk in to the bodies. They grabbed them and carried them out.

"You know," I said, "I did promise that stallion a meeting with the princess. Do me a favor and see him before you have him executed or whatever."

"I will see him, Nav," she assured me. "Who struck first?"

"Me. No one ambushes you in an inescapable alley and says they're going to teach you a lesson only to pull out a book on anatomy."

"I know, Nav. I just need to do a simple look through your memories to make sure."

"You know I trust you more than anyone else, Celestia. Feel free."

She nodded and stepped down from her dais. She walked up to me, stuck her horn down, and did a quick read through my memories. She pulled away with a nod. "You may leave, Shining Armor."

He saluted and turned. Before he could leave, I said, "Yo Shiny, how's Cadance and the kid?"

He turned to me with a surprised look. "They are well, Nav. I'm surprised to hear you expressing any interest. Cadance does want to talk with you soon, but now is a bad time."

"I may be a terrible person, but I'm not a dick. Maybe I'll see you two around the next time I'm in town. And don't worry: The stones are well hidden now." He gave me a grateful smile before marching off. The door closed behind him and it was just me and Celestia in the room. I turned and said, "So what now?"

"I go back to my job. Shining Armor finds the pony that ordered the attack. You go get your sheath and axe and go home."

"Cool. I don't suppose I could get a chariot? I don't think there's a train running to Ponyville again today."

She nodded. "That can be done. I'll send word down to the chariot pool. They'll ferry you home when you get there. Before you go, though, how do you feel about being attacked like this?"

I shrugged. "It happens. I wasn't really expecting any kind of physical retaliation for what happened with Blueblood, but such is life. I figured they would have done a bit more research, though. Hey, you wanna place odds on me running into another group of them if I go take a walk through the city?"

She put a hoof up to her face in thought. "Hm… Fifty bits says you don't."

"I got money to spare. As easy as those four thugs were to take down, I figure I could bring down a few more. If you want me to go try I will."

"Nav, hired thugs do not exist in Canterlot. Those four were personal guards. Well, the three ponies were. The griffon might have been a mercenary. Tracking their employer will be easy. I would not be surprised if he was already running from Canterlot with all as many bits as he could hastily scramble."

"Cool. Do I get some kind of reward or something?"

"No. You are lucky I'm not throwing you in prison for murder. Say it however you want, you struck first. If I followed the law, you would be in prison. However, I know the truth of the matter and I know the context of the crime."

"Good to have the pony princess on your side, I guess. I suppose I ought to get out of your hair, then. Gotta get my stuff and I gotta get back to Ponyville. It was nice seeing you yet again, Celestia."

"Same to you, though I wish it had been under better circumstances." I left the throne room and went back to the armory. My stuff wasn't ready yet, but I didn't really feel like going back into the city anymore. I just waited until it was done, grabbed everything, and left.

The chariot ride was nice and quick. I thanked the guards and went straight to the library. "What did the princess want?" Twilight asked.

"To give me some stuff and to ask some questions. You know, the usual. You know where Pinkie is?"

"I think she's at the bakery. Why?"

"Got a question for her." I went upstairs and set my weapons and bag down. I could do laundry and all that later. I took the invites I got and grabbed Taya and left for the bakery.

"So why do I have to go?" Taya asked. I assume she meant to the bakery.

"You don't. I asked if you wanted to and you said yes. Don't try and blame me for this."

She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "I never asked for this." I didn't call her on it, because she most definitely did ask to stay under my care.

Anyway, we made it to the shop with no issues. I got Taya some sweet stuff and let her go at it while I went upstairs to talk to Pinkie.

I knocked on her door and waited a minute before shrugging and turning. As soon as I turned around I saw her staring at me with some freaky googly eyes. I jumped back in surprise and she giggled. "What do you need, Nav?" she asked as she let herself into her room.

I followed her just inside and said, "Remember last year during the week before the wedding when I asked if you wanted to go to the next European party thing?"

"Yup! I most definitely remember that." She seemed a bit down at that.

I pulled my invitations out. "You still interested in going?"

Her head shot toward me. "REALLY?"

"Yeah. These invites I got say I can bring a friend. If you're interested—" That's as far as I got before being hugged so hard it knocked all the breath out of me. I slammed against the wall which as you can imagine didn't feel all that good against my wings. When I managed to catch my breath, I said, "Can you let me go now?"

Thankfully, she did. She pulled away from me, beaming. "This is so great! The best party in the world! Oooh, and me being there will make it so much better!"

I put a finger against her lips before she could say anything else. "Pinkie, this is a party closer to the Gala, for the most part. There are themes each day, but for the most part the crowd is genteel. If you want to go, I need you to promise me that you'll behave. I need the sane Pinkie, not the normal Pinkie."

She took a deep breath. And I mean a ridiculously deep breath. Like, I think I felt the air in the room grow thinner. When she finally stopped, she held it in for a few seconds and then just exploded in a flurry of motion, flying across the room.

"We don't leave until next month!" At that, she froze in the middle of doing… something.

"What?" Her voice was super high pitched.

"The party is in March. We're leaving then. You have plenty of time to prepare or do… whatever you're doing."

She dropped to the floor, taking in deep breaths. I walked over to her, kicked off my shoe, used my foot to roll her over onto her back, and rubbed her tummy with my foot. That helps calm her down. Soon enough her tongue was lolled out and she was practically melting into the floor.

When I pulled my foot away she sighed. "You know just how to treat a mare…"

"Aye, I do. It's a shame Luna didn't realize that." I stomped my foot into my shoe. "I'll see you around, Pinkie."

"If you ever need to talk, you know Aunty Pinkie is here for you."

"I know. So are a lot of others. Oh, and you'll probably need some manner of dress or something. I'm sure Rarity can help you with that."

"I'll take care of it."

I waved as I slid out her door. It wasn't until I was heading down the stairs when I realized that I might have made a mistake.

"You did," Flo confirmed.

_Yeah, well, thanks for warning me_. I figured Pinkie might take me offering to let her go as a sign that I want to date her. I certainly hoped not, but I do know Pinkie.

I was humming, forming a plot in my head as I got downstairs. Taya was poking at the last cupcake on her plate with a concerned expression. It was probably one of those that was way too sweet.

"You ready?" I asked her.

She looked up. "How is anypony supposed to eat this?"

"Practice. Took me a while to be able to stand them. Even then, I can only have so many." I grabbed the cupcake. "See you, Mrs. Cake." She waved as Taya and I left. I gave the cupcake to the first little kid we passed and we made it back to the library with no incident.

"You find Pinkie okay?" Twilight asked.

"Yep. She agreed, too. What do you know about the war games held every year?"

"Agreed to what?"

"To go to the Europe party."

"You invited _her_?"

"Well, yeah. I know how much she likes parties and this is one hell of a party. I figured the only other one of you that would be interested would be Rarity."

She hmphed and turned away. "And you didn't think to ask me?"

"Why would you want to go? The dragons wouldn't talk to you."

Flo whispered, "She wanted to be your date."

I continued, "I mean, I'm just taking her as a friend. It's not like I'll start dating her and take her away from you or something. I talked to her about it before the whole wedding thing last year and she seemed really interested. I haven't been doing much with her recently so I figured it would be nice to take her. I mean, if you really want to go Celestia can probably give you an invite or something."

Flo sighed. "It's like you enjoy hearing her heart break."

Taya's turn to chime in. "Can I go?"

"I don't know," I answered. "Probably not. You really, really wouldn't enjoy it. It's a pretty massive social event. I just made a few friends last year that I wouldn't mind seeing again." Like Kumani. "This year it's supposed to be an entire festival, so yeah."

Twilight still didn't look overly happy, but I also didn't really care. I mean, she should know by now that I had no desire to date her. I wouldn't mind having sex with her some more, but Flo apparently finds that a bad idea.

"Stop leading her on," Flo told me.

"Twilight, you realize I'm not romantically interested in you, right? I mean, is that what this is about?"

I think that was the moment I went from being a terrible person to being an asshole. Or maybe I'm just being melodramatic. Either way, what I said was really dickish.

Her mouth dropped and I think I saw her eyes water up before she teleported away. Taya looked up to me. "Really? I mean, _really_?" she asked.

"Which is worse? Her continuing to hope that it'll happen or me telling her up front that it never will?"

"There are better ways to tell her than that! You sounded like you weren't even interested in her feelings! What kind of a friend are you?"

"The bad kind." Man, when _Taya _calls me out on something I know I fucked up. I sighed. "I should go talk to her… Well, no, someone else should go talk to her. I just don't know where she is. Shit…"

Taya shook her head. "No. I'm not letting you pawn her off on one of her friends. _You _did this. It should be your responsibility to fix."

"Taya, I am no good at any of this emotional shit. I tried with Luna, I did. She proceeded to abuse and walk all over me. Obviously, I messed up somewhere. I don't really want to take the chance of messing up with Twilight. I am not qualified for that kind of shit."

"You're going to be living a pretty long life. Now's as good a time as any to learn."

Can't argue with that logic… "That doesn't change the fact that I don't know where she is."

"Where do you think a mare goes to cry?"

"I don't know, her friends? Her room? Her mother?"

She blinked. "Okay, there are a few places. I suggest checking her room."

"If she kills me you better avenge my death." I put my ring on and walked up the stairs to Twilight's room. I pushed the door open to find her head buried into her pillow. It did hurt to see her like that, but I knew that I really shouldn't be the one doing this.

I quietly walked up to her and sat down on her bed. I set my hand on her back. When she didn't respond I began stroking her mane.

I heard a muffled, "Why?" from her pillow.

"Because you want me for the one of the same reasons Luna does: I'm the first male that's shown you any interest and was able to challenge you in any significant ways. In a moment of weakness I took your virginity and you grew super attached. I should have realized that would happen, but my mind was still clogged by the pheromones. I'm sorry, Twilight, but we both know that it would have ended poorly for us. I know there's a pony out there that's perfect for you, but I'm not it. You should have known that from the first Gala we attended and it should have been cemented in the labyrinth. You are my friend and I want what is best for you. I am not good for you at all."

"But I want you anyway…"

"When the antidote hurts, choosing the poison seems the better option. In the long run I am not good for you. I might make you seem happy for a short time, but you will grow weary of me, of my presence. You already have, you just haven't admitted it to yourself. I made you very angry in the changeling cave, and yet you still think you want me. I'm a jerk and I'm a terrible person and I'm in a job where my survival chances are low. I don't know why so many of you ponies seem to want me."

She sniffled and looked up. "S-so many?"

"Rarity wants my pony body. Fluttershy wanted to be in some manner of relationship with me a while ago. Pinkie wanted me back when I was dating Luna. Luna wanted me. I'm pretty sure Celestia wants me. And Chrysalis wants me. There might be others. Or I might be looking too far into things like a typical guy. But it just seems messed up to me."

"You're broken… damaged… Pinkie wants to see you smile and smile and smile. Dating you would give her a chance to fix you. You used to be kind hearted and helpful, perfect for Fluttershy. You have no fear of the princesses and no basis for treating them as absolute rulers. And… you challenged me. You were able to prove me wrong. You gave me somepony to talk to and somepony male to work with. You showed me that I didn't have to just read about… some of the more fun things in life. That I could go and experience them myself. Why… why don't you want me, Nav?"

That's a good question. "There are a few reasons that you probably don't want to hear. Your terrible OCD, your unwillingness to ever admit to being wrong, your occasional anger spikes, your intense curiosity, and the fact that when you raped me when under the influence of love poison you absolutely fucking terrified me."

"That wasn't my fault!"

It amuses me that she didn't try to refuse the other points. "I know, but I'm pretty sure that's what you secretly want to do to me. Let me tell you what you did." I did just that.

"But… but I… It felt good for you though!"

"At the expense of being terrifying. I don't like having anyone in my mind, especially like that. And after what Luna did… I think I'll take a break from any kind of unicorn loves for a while, thank you very much."

"What… what did she even _do_?"

"I'm not telling anyone that. I need to say nothing more than that it was bad. Very bad. Bad enough for me to realize that she didn't love me as I did her. And it involved her attempting to link minds with me and not realizing that doing so created her idealized version of me while putting my mind into it. So I was watching and feeling everything her mental image of me was doing."

"How did she not realize that she would have complete control with a nonunicorn? That's heavily documented and every book on love magic suggests highly against it!"

"Don't know, don't care. Doesn't matter, really. Twilight, we're both adults. Are you ready to stop moping and go back to doing whatever you do every day?"

She sighed. "It hurts, Nav. I just… I've wanted somepony to love for the longest time, and then I accidentally summon a sentient male that shares a lot of the same interests as I do. It seemed like a miracle to me, a dream come true! I wouldn't have any of the anxiety issues I have around some ponies since you weren't a pony, but I could still turn you into a pony if I ever needed to. But when I tried all the tips from all my books on how to get a stallion to notice me, you still didn't seem to want me. I finally broke down and tried sleeping with you, but the closer I grew the more you drifted away…"

"I've been going through my own issues, Twilight. You don't even know the fucking rollercoaster Luna and Celestia put me through. All the love games with me… It's a wonder I walked away from that even capable of a relationship." Old Greg would be proud. "But it's not like any of that really matters. Are you ready to finally give up on this, Twilight?" I can't believe I'm having this conversation.

She looked away. "Why can't we just give it a chance?" She looked back at me. "Would that really hurt?"

"Twilight, I want you to forget who I was when I first got here. Think about how I've been this past year. Think about how rude and mean I've been. Would you really want a relationship with a person like that?"

"I… I can help you get better! And I know the real you is still in there. You aren't as bad you think you are. I just… I'd have to smooth away the newly rough edges."

"Twilight, never go into a relationship thinking you can change someone. That is an unhealthy attitude that will only foster resentment between both parties. I can be helped, but it would take more than one person. You'd have to get Celestia and Luna to give up on using me as an agent, and that isn't going to happen. Especially not after today."

"How would you know anything about relationships? And what happened today?"

"Because I just got out of a relationship where I was forcibly shown what Luna wanted me to be. You better believe that pissed me off. And today I got attacked by three ponies and a griffon because I pissed a rich pony off. I killed one, disabled two, and scared the fourth off. I've gotten useful. And Celestia informed me that I have two tasks waiting for me when I get back. Well, one task and apparently some war games. You know how it is."

"I just…" She slumped back into her bed.

I sighed. "It's getting late, Twilight. Think about what I've told you. Think about what I've become. Sleep on it. And please don't go crazy, come into my room tonight, magic me down, and pleasure me until I want only you."

She grunted something that I was hoping was an affirmative. I stood and walked to the door. I turned the light off, closed her door, and found myself face to air with Taya. I guess she found herself face to thigh with me. I stepped over her and continued on my way downstairs. She huffed and followed me. "Well?"

"Well what?" I innocently responded.

"How did you handle it?" she demanded.

"Taya, I do not usually use my dad privileges on you. Either be more respectful or I will have to do so here. I don't think either of us wants that. I understand that you are smart, but that is no reason to be disrespectful." She looked away, blushing slightly. "I handled it. That is all you need to know. Now, it's nearing bed time. Go get ready." She went without a word. I figured she would be moping for a short time. It is not often I have to remind her who is in charge, and neither of us like it when I do.

But at least she knew what she was getting into when she asked me to be her caretaker and then her dad. I thought I knew, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. Ever since Luna cranked that dream machine thing on, most of Taya's nightmares went away so I didn't have to comfort her as much. And other than that, I didn't really have to do much work with her aside from hanging out and playing or whatever it's called. At least I didn't have to take care of a baby.

A month later, I had Twilight and Rarity relatively pacified. Twilight, from the whole preemptively dumping her thing. Rarity, from inviting Pinkie to the party and not her. The other girls didn't care, though some were surprised.

I also had Flo's help reminding me the formulas for a lot of interesting human weapons. Smoke bombs, pepper spray bombs, incredibly powerful stink bombs, and flash bang grenades. Oh, none of them were as powerful as could be made back on earth, but for having very limited materials and having a Twilight glaring over my shoulder the whole time, I think I did a good job.

When the chariot finally arrived, I was busy with very important knight duties that totally didn't involve watching Lyra get railed by some stallion in the middle of the woods. Thankfully, I was able to clear my schedule and get ready to go before the chariot drivers got antsy.

I wasn't able to get ready in time to stop Pinkie from getting that way, though.

"Come on, Nav! We'll never make it in time if you don't hurry up!"

"Pinkie, we are literally going to get to Germany in the blink of an eye. And the party can't even start without Celestia starting it and she's going with us." Or rather, we're going with her. "So us making it in time is pretty much assured. Take a chill pill."

She ran to the freezer, pulled out an ice cube, and ate it. She was quickly back in my face. "I don't feel any better! And you aren't moving any faster!"

"You helping me would make me move faster than you yelling at me."

Shit, all I was bringing was my armor, the axe, the sword, my crossbow, some bolts, my knives, some of the human weapons I made, and some clothes. It sounds like a lot more than it is, given that I could carry all of that on my person. I was wearing the armor, the weapons were hanging off my body, and the clothes were in a bag between my wings.

"How can you even walk in that?" Spike asked, looking me up and down.

"Practice and a lot more strength than you'd think I would have," I answered. I'll admit, it was heavy. The axe and the armor were lightened with magic, but nothing else was. I was unbalanced and could probably topple easily if I wasn't careful.

Thankfully, Pinkie promised to be on her best behavior and not go around pushing me or whatnot. She apparently got as much of the franticness out of her system as possible. What she did when I gave her the invitation was her attempting to do that all at once. Pinkie was still Pinkie, but she was less Pinkie—and pink—than usual. She actually seemed a bit darker, and she managed to get her hair flattened somehow.

We finally got to the chariot to find that she had a single bag stowed on it. I assumed it was some manner of dress or something. We waved bye to everyone as the chariot rose into the air. "You know," I said, "you really do look better with your hair like that. At least, in my opinion." Her entire coat seemed to grow a little brighter pink at that. I poked her side. "What's up with that? How did you grow brighter?"

She giggled. "I guess that's just one of life's mysteries!"

"Eh, whatever. If Twilight gave up on trying to figure you out, it's not worth it."

Flo whispered, "You're treading in dangerous waters."

"Oh, so you're saying I'm not worth figuring out?" Pinkie countered.

"I don't remember saying that, no. I mean, if you want to be womanly about it and try to turn everything I say into an insult, you are welcome to. Oh and by the way, we're probably going to get put into the same room and I'm hoping to get laid a few times this year, so you might need to wait outside for a little while."

"Nah, I don't mind watching. Or helping."

That is so fucking creepy. Flo muttered an agreement. "Pinkie, can you stop watching me do things like that? Or watching me sleep? Or stalking me?"

"Okie dokie lokie!" Well, at least she was nice about it. The rest of the trip was spent listening to her talk about all the things she had planned for the party. From the sound of things she was set to have a right good time. I just wanted to talk to some of the people I met last year and maybe compete again, if Celestia would let me.

It somewhat disgusts me that I had to have Celestia's permission to compete, but that just seems to be the vein of things around here. Maybe everyone will be over what I did last year.

At least it didn't take us long to get to Canterlot. Chariot rides between the two places are usually pretty short. Pinkie and I went straight to the throne room, where we were told to meet with Celestia.

And there she was, standing next to a very irate looking Cadance and a bored looking Shining Armor. Cadance turned to glare at me when we entered. "How dare you break Luna's heart?"

"That's a long story that's none of your business and not really important. If you're saying that then you don't know the full story."

She took a step forward, lowering her horn a bit. "I know just what'll make you realize what you lost!"

"Time out!" I called, holding my hands in a T. She looked up, confused. I slipped my clothing bag off and removed most of my weapons and stepped away from the pile. "Alright, time in."

Her horn lowered and shot a heart shaped thing dead at me. I jumped out of the way, but it tracked me. I managed to get behind Pinkie and it hit her instead. The heart split in half and the other half tried hitting me, but I was already en route to the door. I slammed it shut in front of the heart and continued running.

The door exploded open behind me and Cadance ran out, shooting more love at me. I vaulted over a stationary guard and one of the hearts hit him. I skidded around a corner—not advisable with metal boots—and dove around a female servant. The other heart hit her. I continued running.

"YOU GET BACK HERE!" I didn't even consider going back there, but I could hear her chasing me. I continued running, narrowly missing guards, servants, and heart-shaped bubbles.

I finally got to one room that had a sign on it that said something about magic portal testing. A pony in a lab coat was trying to yell some kind of warning at me, but he got hit by a magic heart and chose to wrap his mouth around another pony's lips instead. The door I entered led to a long hall with three doors on either side. I bolted for the first one on the right and closed the door behind me. I found myself in another hall with a door at the end. I kept running and opened the door at the end just as the door behind me opened. I found myself in a hall that looked just like the first one. I saw Cadance's ass entering one of the doors at the end of the hall.

The door pulled shut behind her and I picked a door at random and entered it, finding myself in another hallway. I ran down it and opened the door just as I saw Cadance entering another one. I picked yet another door at random. While I was in the middle of the main hallway I saw a door open and a pony with a shaggy red-head and a pot leaf for a cutie mark run out followed by a large dog and a fake looking monster. I just shook my head and ripped another door open and ran down yet another similar looking hall.

When I opened the door at the end of that hallway I bumped into a very lost looking Derpy. "Oh hey Nav! I was trying to get to my kitchen to get some milk."

"Uh. I think you took a few wrong turns. How did you get here?"

She shrugged. "I just don't know what went wrong!"

Just then, Cadance and a pony that looked a lot like a less colorful Rainbow Dash burst out of a door. They slammed it shut behind them. Cadance saw me and grinned like a shark. Her horn lit up and a heart came out. I ducked behind Derpy and slammed the door when the first heart hit her.

I ran back down the hall and opened the door to find a hallway with Derpy and that Rainbow Dash looking mare making out. _Wait… is that Daring Do_?

My musings were cut short as I heard a door opening behind me. I rushed into the hall and slammed the door closed.

Flo said, "Nav, get out of this hall. It'll just end in ruin."

"Good idea." I ran to the end of the hall where I entered and got out just as the door behind me opened. I slammed the door and ran down the hall, jumping over the pony couple of the scientist and a random servant. The door banged open behind me just as I turned a corner. I saw a heart flying at me from the edge of my vision. I sprinted down the corridor, seeing a group of foals surrounding a somewhat bored looking Luna. I recognized some kids from Ponyville.

I grabbed the first one I saw and held him up in front of the heart. It hit him and the half heart went searching for targets. "Nav, what are you—" Luna managed before the heart hit her. I set a figure that I now recognized as Pip down and continued running.

"HAVE FUN WITH THAT!" I shouted as I turned yet another sharp corner. I heard Cadance still behind me.

"YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT, NAVARONE!" Cadance screamed as she crossed the corner, catching up with me. I managed to get a few servants between me and her and I heard her spell hit some of them.

I got to what I recognized as the barracks with Cadance hot on my trail. A bunch of night guards were asleep and several day guards were sitting around, playing cards or whatnot.

"Tally ho, gents!" I called as I ran past the confused looking day guards. Some of them caught hearts and the chaos in that room began. I slipped through some of the beds and leapt over others to get some night guards to catch the love for me. They woke up right quick, then.

Right behind the barracks was the training courtyard. I brushed past groups of guards casting spells, sparring, doing exercises, and all kinds of other stuff. Half the sparring groups ended up hit by hearts and several of the unicorns did as well.

I think Cadance was starting to get frustrated. I managed to get across the courtyard unscathed and into another hall. I darted to one side and leaned against the wall. She burst into the hall and began running past until I caught her tail, pulled her to me, spun her around, lifted up her front legs, and began to dance a little jig.

"If you wanted to play, all you had to do was ask!" I laughed, spinning her in a pirouette. I dropped her while she was spinning and jumped out a window. The maze was just on the other side of that and I was hoping I could lose her in there.

No such luck. As soon as I got to the entrance an enraged Cadance teleported in front of me. Her horn lit up incredibly bright and a massive heart shot at me and hit me dead on. She put on a wicked smile. "Tell me Nav, are you feeling the LOVE?"

I put on an innocent smile and pulled my gauntlet off, revealing my magic nullifying ring. "Why no, Cadance. I'm not. Why do you ask?"

Her mouth dropped. "B-b-but… But you… With… Why?"

I walked up to her and put my arm around her neck, turning and pointing through the window to the guard training courtyard. We could just barely see several guards on the ground, making out. "Now, wasn't that fun? And just look at all the love you spread! All those servants, scientists, princesses, kids, and guards… My my, you're going to be so popular!" I patted her neck warmly. "Now, I'm afraid I have a party to get to. We can play some more later."

I let her go and began to walk away, but she jumped in front of me. "Oh no, you're not going anywhere until you help me clean this mess up!"

I shrugged. "Fine, fine. Sooner started sooner finished."

We began with the guards. Quite a few of them were very, very surprised to find what they were doing. Some of them weren't so surprised. Some of them were quite happy about it. Of course, those that were happy about it were often paired with those that weren't.

We then traced our steps all through the castle, releasing everyone we found. Luna and Pip were very, very amusing. When we pulled Pip away from Luna he mentioned something about wanting to try getting gobbled again. Luna was blushing up a storm and sharing a glare between me and Cadance. I just merrily waved and we continued on our way. We freed Derpy and the chick that I thought was Daring Do. Before I could ask her, she jumped through a random door and we didn't see her again. After giving Derpy directions, she awkwardly flew off.

When we finally got back to the throne room, we had freed over a hundred ponies from the tyrannical grasp of love. And when I opened the door to the throne room, I felt a massive blush cover my face.

Shining Armor looked much the same way. He was alternating between looking away and looking toward the spectacle. When he saw us walk in he sagged in relief. "I promise, I don't know where they got the whipped cream or the cherries! And I wasn't watching, I swear!"

I tilted my head, watching them. "You don't have to watch. You could just… listen." I tilted my head the other way. "Hey Cadance, can we wait a few minutes? Is that… is that chocolate?"

There was silence from her end. I somehow managed to pull my gaze away and look at her. She was looking at the pair going at it on the dais in horror. I just shrugged and looked back.

When Cadance finally came to her senses, she cast the nullifying spell.

Pinkie pulled away from where she had been working and looked around. When she saw where she was—and the position she was in—she blinked. And then she looked up. "Oh, hey Princess!"

I don't think anyone had ever heard Princess Celestia scream in horror before that day. It was hilarious and we were all quickly forbidden from ever speaking of what we saw. Luna was quickly summoned and Cadance and Luna were put in charge of fixing any problems that arose from what Cadance had done.


	58. Chapter Fifty-Six

Chapter Fifty-Six—The Fabulous Flankfurt Festival

We were late for the party—Celestia had to take an emergency shower—but we finally got there. Shiny went with our group, for some reason. Celestia's teleport got us right in front of a statue of some fellow called Charlemane. The party could finally start.

As Celestia began her speech, I looked around the square. I saw each group represented, but the minotaurs were still gone. I figured their ban was still in effect.

I saw Kumani smirking at my armored form, as well as the pink pony that was doing her best to hang off my arm.

And then I saw a form I dreaded. Kat was standing next to Jocasta and Miguel. She was wearing a predatory smile and I could see her claws baring and retracting a few times as she looked me up and down.

Although… Kat was fun, the last time I played with her. And there was no way she'd have the chance to do anything unwanted to me here.

An unwelcome thought occurred to me at that point. Pinkie had read my journals, so she knew who Kat was and what she did to me. Now, while Pinkie had no room to judge anyone for doing terrible things to me, she might not be very kind to Kat. And Celestia might not either. And I could already see Shining Armor glaring at her—of the three of them, he was the only one that knew what she looked like.

As soon as the speech ended and the party officially began, Shiny immediately pulled me aside. Pinkie invited herself. "Navarone, do not let yourself be alone with that cat," he told me. "I know you saw her."

"Shiny, I gave you the memories of what she did to me that I didn't enjoy. I kept the memories of what I did enjoy. Besides, she wouldn't dare do a thing here. Not with your guards and Pinkie watching me."

"Who are we talking about?" Pinkie asked.

"Kat," we both answered.

She gasped. "That meanie head? Oooh, I'll show her what she gets for hurting _my _friends!"

"Nay, Pinkie," I said. "That would create a pretty massive incident. Revenge is never acceptable, especially not when no one else knows the context. If you try to get back against her while you are here, you're just going to get in trouble and no amount of friendship with me or the princess will help you. It isn't worth it."

"And I don't condone revenge," Shining added. "As much as I agree that she deserves it, if you broke the law and hurt her I would have to arrest you."

"Pinkie, you of all ponies know what it means to forgive and forget. You can both feel free to hate her all you want, but don't confront her about it and don't do anything against her. It's in the past. Okay?" Shiny took a moment before stiffly nodding. Pinkie just sighed and let her head fall. "Alright. Now, I'm going to go find my room and then see some old friends. Pinkie, behave. Shiny, don't have any extramarital affairs." He opened his mouth to respond but I continued, "At least, not without inviting me. Don't know about you two, but I plan to get laid." I held my hand up for a fist bump, but Pinkie was already gone and Shiny was just face-hoofing and shaking his head sadly.

I shrugged and went to find the head servant. They're usually relatively busy, but can pass you off to the right person. And most are usually willing to help me. While I was walking, I noted the layout of the party and the city. There was an area of the city dedicated to each major race: Ponies, dragons, dogs, griffons, and naga. The cats apparently didn't have enough of a presence to warrant a section. There were various areas set off specifically for the party, each area having a theme of some sort. I didn't know what all they were, though; I was planning on doing a flyover when I got the chance, to see what all was available.

I noticed—much to my disgust—that many ponies were doing double-takes when they saw me. Several started blushing when they realized they remembered me from their dreams. I found myself grinding my teeth at the awkward silences I left in my wake.

I had a hard time finding the guy I was looking for. When I did, he merrily pawned me off to a passing servant and went back to directing the biggest party in the world. _Note to self: Introduce Pinkie to that guy._

The servant that was leading me was talking. "Normally we put guests such as you in with the group that invited them. However, you were given several invitations. When we learned that your date was a pony, the choice seemed clear. But then when we learned that the two of you weren't romantically involved, that sort of cut our plans to pieces. Then we learned that you don't sleep and we figured you wouldn't need a bed anyway. And _then _we learned that just because you don't sleep doesn't mean you don't use a bed. My my, the rumors we hear…" She cast a sly look back at me before continuing, "So we decided to just give you a nice, full sized apartment." One that we were finally at, it appeared. She opened the door with a key and led the way inside.

I looked around. There was an empty fireplace against one wall, several bookcases adorned with a mix of books and knick knacks, pictures of random things on the walls, a few couches and chairs, and two doors leading away. On a table in front of one of the couches were a few letters.

"What are the letters for?" I asked, walking over to them and setting my bag down.

I picked a letter up as she explained, "The party last year was simpler than usual because the princess wasn't able to give her full attention to it. Yes, the party was wonderful, but normally there are other events and more room. What you have there are invitations to events and to speak with various dignitaries." Her voice took on a note of pride. "We're happy to have two kings, one clutch leader, the princess, and one boss here this year."

"Two kings? And a boss?"

"The griffin king and the cat king are here this year. And a high ranked dog boss is here as well."

"Dog… _boss_?"

"The dogs aren't arranged the same way most groups are. They are ranked in what many ponies would see as a corporation. I admit to not knowing all their ranks, but I know the CEO is on top. He lives way to the east, and couldn't make it. One of the bosses from Barkelona came in his stead. We also have several naga clan leaders, as they are not entirely unified."

I held up the letter I grabbed. "And these are invitations to meet them?"

"Some are, yes. Some are also to inform you of events or to invite you to more privileged areas. If you get any more letters, they will be delivered here and left on the table for you."

"One more question: If I leave my stuff here, will I be assured of its safety?"

"Of course! We do not tolerate thieves. Especially for a guest such as yourself. There are many that remember your actions last year. You will come to no harm here."

"Thank you. You've been very helpful." I tossed her a bag of bits. I had no idea how many were in it. I tossed the letter down on the table and went to check out the rooms. I heard her giggling uncontrollably as she left. One room looked like a kitchen area, and was decked out with all kinds of kitchen area things. The other was obviously a bedroom, with two large beds. "Figured they'd give us separate rooms, at least," I muttered as I started removing weapons and armor.

"Taking your armor off might not be the best idea," Flo faintly called. She was really hard to hear, but she was definitely still there.

"You heard the mare. I'll be fine." I left my crossbow and its bolts in the room. The axe stayed on my back and the sword moved to my hip, where the bolts normally go.

I went to the front room and started opening letters. I got an invitation to meet Pyrite, the head of the dragons or something like that. I also got invited to meet the dog boss, who apparently wanted to discuss a job opportunity with me. I also got letters from the griffin king, the cat king, Celestia, and some naga, each inviting me to random events, many of which weren't today. Hell, even the changeling delegation sent a short note, expressing some manner of gratitude or something, but didn't ask to meet me.

I took another look at all the letters. The dragon leader wanted to meet me as soon as possible, apparently. The dog boss wanted to meet up the next day. All the other letters were later on.

"Busy schedule," I said with a grin. I took the dragon invitation and walked out, locking the door behind me with a key I found in the bedroom. I had a spare for Pinkie.

Unsurprisingly, finding Pinkie was not hard. What was surprising were her companions: Kumani and a group of other dragons. I recognized two of them from the tournament.

I walked up just to hear the tail end of a joke from Pinkie. Something about oatmeal. Most of the dragons actually laughed. When the laughter died down but before the awkward silence could begin, I spoke up, "Hello again, my draconic friends. And Pinkie." I looked to Kumani. "I got an invite from a clutch leader named Pyrite. Do you know where I can find him?"

Her eyes widened. "Pyrite…" she whispered, before looking to the other dragons. They looked down or away, not wanting to meet her gaze. She turned back to me. "What does the letter say?" I passed it to her. She read through it quickly and bit her lower lip.

While she was reading, I turned to Pinkie. "Found our room. Here's your key. Lock the door whenever you leave. And check the table for any letters for you, if you get them. Oh, and do you want to meet the dragon leader guy?"

"Sounds fun to me!"

Kumani coughed. "It's not fun at all, Nav! What could he possibly…" She looked around at her dragon friends before yanking me away from the group and leaning in to whisper, "Did you tell anyone about _us_?"

"Nay, I didn't," I quietly answered. Well, I did tell a few people that I fucked a dragon, but I didn't give any names. "He isn't going to try to murder me, is he?"

"No. Just… don't tell him about what we did. I'll get one of the others to lead you to him. Take your pink friend, but make sure she behaves."

"Any protocols I need to know about?"

"Telling you would tip him off that you have a dragon looking out for you. Just go and be yourself. You seem to be good at figuring things out on the go."

"That I am. Don't worry, I won't sell you out. Now, we've been whispering too long." She nodded and we returned to the group. Pinkie was trying to build the mood back up with another joke.

It seemed to be working until Kumani ruined it. "Bruce, take these two to meet the clutch leader. The letter said as soon as possible, so don't stop."

The indicated dragon sighed and muttered something before gesturing me and Pinkie to follow him. I noticed at that point that Pinkie's normal mode of transportation—bouncing—wasn't present. She was walking like a normal person. Or a normal pony, at least. I didn't comment for fear that she might notice and change back.

"So are there any kind of rules for meeting the dragon leader?" I asked Bruce.

"Yes. Many, many rules. They can all be summed up in one phrase: Be respectful. Pyrite is older than both of your princesses combined. Do not test his patience."

"He's not mean, is he?" I asked.

Bruce barked out a laugh. "I wouldn't answer that question if my life depended on it. He's… eccentric."

I shared a look with Pinkie. She said, "That's not always a bad thing."

"You're correct," he answered. "But it's rarely a good thing. Maybe you'll catch him in a good mood."

"What are his bad moods like?" I asked, somewhat dreading the answer.

"I don't know. I leave the general area when he starts getting that way."

Pinkie gulped. "How far is the general area?"

Bruce looked back at her. "Let me put it this way: I normally live here. The last time he was in a bad mood, I decided to take a vacation to the great dragon migration." He grinned a pointy grin at me. "And I remember you, human. My nose still twinges from when you shot me."

My eyes widened. "I remember you! You were one of those fuckers that tried to eat me!"

"Now, now, it was nothing personal. I was hungry, you looked tasty, and there was a better than even chance you weren't going to make it anyway. I figured, you know, why not me?"

"That doesn't make me feel any bloody better…"

"Hey, you obviously survived! Somehow. You made a real fool of the mainland Equestrian dragons, I tell you that. And you even got a little trinket out of it. I couldn't tell what it was you stole from where I was, but I know some of them were in an uproar about it."

"It was a blood diamond, or something like that."

His head whipped around and it looked like he was salivating slightly. "Do you still have it?" he asked in an excited voice.

"No, I had no use for it. I gave it to a friend of mine. She deals in rare gems and the like. I have no idea what she did with it."

He sighed and turned back. "Figures," he muttered.

To me it didn't seem like he had any right to be sullen. I mean, he tried to fucking eat me! Maybe that kind of thing is commonplace with dragons. I know the only one that I didn't mind trying to eat me was Kumani. I even got revenge for it. We were nearing the edge of the city now. When we got around the last building before the edge, I came face to everything with what I assumed was Pyrite.

"Holy…" I whispered, trying to take the entire golden dragon in.

Even Pinkie seemed stunned into silence. This dragon looked like it could take up a good fourth of Celestia's personal palace. Reginald was about half this guy's size. Let's see… If Celestia was six thousand and Luna was somewhere around that, this guy was probably over twelve thousand years old. That's just insane.

Bruce pointed to him. "There he is. Good luck."

"What, no tips on how to deal with him?" I asked.

"If he gets angry, don't run away. You'll just die tired."

With that, he lifted his wings and shot into the air.

"Welp, that's comforting. Shall we, Pinkie?"

"I always like meeting new friends!" She merrily began trotting off to the king.

I grabbed her tail. "Not so fast, Pinkie. Don't want to make him think we're attacking or nervously running." She sighed and slowed her speed to match mine. "Now, if he gets angry you need to do your scary magic teleporting thing and get us both out."

"I dunno Nav, what do I get in return?"

"The knowledge that you saved my life?"

"Hm… How about something else?"

Lord have mercy… "What did you have in mind?"

"If I save you I get a date!"

"If you save me because he got pissed off from something I did rather than something you did—and if I would consider it you saving me—then yes. I will give you a date." I think I saw some dates on one of the food tables.

"And no cheating! It better be a romantic date between me and you, not a fruit. And no pawning me off to anypony else!"

Dammit. "What kind of person do you think I am, Pinkie? I would never trick you like that." She hmphed. "Alright, serious face time." As she serious'd up, I turned back to Pyrite. We were much closer now, and I could tell that there wasn't much of a line around him and there didn't seem to be many dragons there either.

"Uh, Nav? Are you sure the invitation you got said to be here now?" Pinkie asked.

"It said as soon as possible. Given that I just got it, I believe this constitutes as soon as possible."

He seemed to finally notice our presence walking up to him. He began to lower himself from his standing position, so he could lay more or less even with us. Of course, his head was about as big as an elephant, so that didn't really make me feel any better.

When we got to within what I was hoping was a safe distance, I called out, "Greetings, lord dragon. I was given an invitation to meet clutch leader Pyrite."

"You are Navarone," the dragon rumbled. It sounded more like an accusation than anything else. His eyes flicked to Pinkie. "And you are pink."

She nodded. "My name is Pinkie Pie and I want to be your best friend!"

He slowly extended a single claw towards us. When it got within twenty feet, we heard a terrifying sching noise and a sharper claw extended right in front of us. "Charmed," Pyrite rumbled.

Pinkie held out a hoof and poked him before attempting to shake her leg up and down. After a moment I shrugged and did the same. When he felt my hand pull away—though how he felt anything was beyond me—he pulled away. His eyes were staring at me. "Navarone, you have been accused of two injustices against dragon kind. The first was acting as an accomplice to a kidnapping of a dragon hatchling during the Equestrian mainland dragon migration. The second was seducing and mating with a dragon. How do you plead?"

I just can't catch a break. "Not guilty to both."

He nodded. "Very well. At the migration, you were seen bringing a purple and green dragon hatchling to the main nest. There were two witnesses that state that you both mentioned that the dragon had been born in the custody of and raised by ponies. You left the dragon hatchling in the custody of a dragon adult while some facts of life were explained to him. You were taken aside and it was explained to you why the dragon was rightfully ours. When you returned to the nest, there were two ponies holding the dragon hostage, both unicorns. You, a neutral beast, stepped forward to act as a mediator. You essentially told the ponies to teleport away, letting them escape with the dragon hatchling. You then fled, injuring a few dragons on your way out. How do you answer?"

"Still not guilty. I brought the dragon, whose name was Spike, at his request. He did not intend to remain with the dragons. Yes, he was born with and raised by ponies, but they did have the egg. It could have been abandoned just as easily as it could have been stolen. I was taken aside, but most of the talking was about me, not about Spike. I don't think he was really mentioned. I did attempt to act as a mediator, but I did not tell the unicorns to flee. I reminded her that she could teleport, and asked why she hadn't done so yet. In response, she teleported. When she fled, I figured my job was done in the nest and that I would leave. My progress was impeded as the dragons began to pursue me. I was wrongfully attacked and defended myself accordingly. I did my best to avoid harm to as many dragons as possible while trying above all to escape. I am not guilty."

"So you say, mortal. I have several witnesses that testify against you. Where are your witnesses?"

"The only witnesses _I _have are across the ocean." I crossed my arms. "But it looks to me like you are about in the same boat as I. You mention having witnesses, yet you stand before me alone. I have only your word to trust that you tell the truth, and I've no knowledge as to the veracity of your word. You have only my word to trust, and I'm sure you've heard as little of me as I have of you."

He snorted and a jet of flame shot at both of us, barely five feet away. We both jumped. "I will not be called a liar." His gaze flicked to Pinkie. "You. You who claim to desire to be my best friend. Can you shine any light on this? Are Navarone's claims true?"

"Yep! Three of my closest friends were there and saw the whole thing!"

I heard a deep, dark rumbling. It took me a moment to realize Pyrite was growling. I saw smoke coming from his nostrils. "I believe your guilt, but I cannot prove it. Your punishment for this crime eludes you. Your second crime is seducing a dragon. At the party last year, you seduced a female dragon and took her into your bed. I have witnesses, many of which are at this party. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty. I didn't seduce her, she seduced me. I did not initiate anything."

He moved his head much closer to us. "Consider this," he said, his voice a dull roar. "If you are found guilty of this crime, your punishment will be light. If the dragon is found guilty of seducing you, she will be put to death. Now, would you like to change your statement?"

I gulped. "On second thought, I'm guilty as hell. And I must say, dragons are lucky fuckers; your females are awesome in bed."

"Yes, dragons make better lovers than most races. The normal punishment for this crime is forced marriage between the two guilty parties. If the dragon feels their own race cannot satisfy their base desires, they are to be cut off from their race." I felt my heart slump at that. "However, given the nature of your other crime—and the fact that you succeeded in surviving—I have a different idea in mind. Navarone, how would you like to be inducted into the dragon horde?"

I blinked. I looked down to Pinkie to see her looking up at me in disbelief. I turned back to the dragon. "Not interested, thank you. I already have enough work with being an Equestrian knight."

He huffed and I could feel steaming hot air shooting around me. "You must be punished." His eyes flicked to Pinkie. "You. What does he hate? What does he fear?"

Aww shit… "Commitment! And he's terrified of being in any kind of relationship that isn't purely physical. He's totally afraid of trusting anypony." She reached down and pulled a list out from somewhere. "Here, I have an entire list!"

I snatched it from her and wadded it up. "Do not listen to this vile pink temptress. She speaks nothing but lies."

His gaze slipped to me for a moment before returning to her. "What would you suggest I do to punish him?"

Pinkie turned to me with a sly grin.

"Please…" I whispered.

"You know my price," she whispered back. "A date or marriage."

"Pinkie, you're my friend. Don't do this to me."

Flo giggled. "She's bluffing, Nav." She waited a second. "Probably."

_Probably's good enough for me._

Pinkie turned back to the dragon and walked up next to what I assumed was his ear. She whispered something into it. A moment later she trotted back to stand next to me, a very pleased grin on her face. "Last chance, Nav," she whispered.

"I'll take my chances."

The dragon spoke up. "Navarone, your friend has requested control of your punishment. Is this acceptable to you?"

"Do I have any other options?"

"Marry the dragon that you seduced, join the dragon horde, or take whatever punishment she has for you."

Kumani would probably straight up kill me if I told her that she had to marry me. And I don't really want to get married anyway, especially not to a dragon that will grow and grow. If I joined the dragon horde, this guy could probably send me orders that I would have to follow, and any of his orders might conflict with any I got from Celestia or Luna. Pinkie's a friend. She wouldn't do anything too terrible to me.

I shrugged. "I submit to Pinkie's punishment. I know my _friend _wouldn't do anything I wouldn't like." I whispered so only Pinkie could hear, "Not after the last time, she wouldn't." She actually flinched at that.

"So be it," Pyrite said. "Pinkie, you may do as you please. If he refuses, turn him in to us. Now leave me, the both of you."

We wasted no time getting out of there. Pyrite seemed nice, but I didn't want to risk staying too long and pissing him off. When we were far enough away that I was hoping we were out of earshot, I said, "So what kind of horrid task am I going to be given?"

She giggled. "Do you remember your gender stones?"

"Yeah." I left them in a very secure location. But I suppose it wasn't Pinkie-proof.

"I happened to have borrowed them before we left. Your punishment is that I get to randomly use them on you during this trip."

That's gonna be really, really awkward. "I can agree to that with one condition: I have to be male during the tournament, if I compete. If I suddenly sprout breasts in that armor, it could seriously injure me."

"That's fair. Do you think the princess will actually let you compete?"

"I somewhat hope so, if the hints she gave me about the setting are true. Now, do you want me to show you to our room before we head back to the party proper?"

"Getting lost is fun, though! You get to meet all kinds of new ponies and have adventures and find great new food."

"Until you find yourself in the wrong place. Come on, it'll give you a chance to look through the invites we got. Maybe something will interest you."

I led her to our room, which was unfortunately all the way across town. Pinkie got distracted multiple times by various things. A magic show, a free balloon thing, a picture booth, a food table, and a civilized discussion about immigration rights. She proved to be remarkably knowledgeable about that topic, and was able to sway most of the talkers to her viewpoint. I don't know how, but it was amusing.

When we finally got to our room, we found a nervous Kumani pacing in front of the door. When she looked up and saw us I saw her worry melt away a bit. "He doesn't know, does he?" she asked.

"He knows that I slept with a dragon, but he doesn't know who. I took the blame for it and he tried to make me join the dragon horde. I turned him down."

Her mouth dropped when I mentioned what he tried to do. "That's impossible! Even Pyrite wouldn't go so far against tradition!"

I shrugged. "That's just what happened. He said normally I would be forced to marry the dragon I 'seduced,' but that he would give me an alternative choice. In the end, my choices were marriage, joining the horde, or letting Pinkie punish me. I chose Pinkie," I finished, poking Pinkie on the side.

Kumani's face went pale at the mention of marriage, but she sighed when she realized I didn't pick that. "Whatever punishment you have, I deserve," she said, and turned to Pinkie. "Whatever you had planned for him, I will take."

"No! This punishment can't really be transferred," I said. "The stones are painful the first time you use them, but they will be very noticeable for one such as yourself."

Kumani, of course, had no idea what we were talking about. Pinkie put on a sly grin. "I dunno, Kumani. I might not let you take it all on your shoulders, but you could… _share _it."

I had a bad feeling that I knew where this was going. "Pinkie, don't you dare!"

"I don't know what Navarone is talking about," Kumani said. "His talk of stones is confusing. I know that I am at fault here, and so the punishment should be mine. But if it can't be given, it can at least be shared."

Pinkie opened her mouth, but I beat her to the punch. "Alright, here's how it is: I have a pair of stones that cause the user to change gender instantly. Pinkie's punishment is that she gets to randomly use them on me this week. Now, you don't know Pinkie, so trust me when I say that no matter where you go to hide, she will find you. If you agree to it, you will be turned into a male dragon at some point during the week, and it might not be a very good time."

For some reason Kumani looked really excited about that. "Done! I'll take that punishment!"

I just shook my head as I walked to the door. I opened it and walked in, looking around.

Flo whispered, "Something's wrong. There's someone here."

I stopped and pulled my sword out. Pinkie and Kumani were following me in.

"What's wrong, Nav?" Pinkie asked.

"We aren't alone," I whispered. "Pinkie, step back outside. Kumani, watch my back." I crept to the kitchen, my sword at the ready. I poked my head in and saw that it was empty. I backed out of it and walked to the bedroom. I pushed the door open with the blade of my sword and stepped inside.

Kat was lying on a bed. I sighed and put my sword away. "I was wondering when you would get back," she said. "I've been waiting."

I looked around my room. I knew she had poked through all the bags I left, but I don't know if she took anything. "Why are you here, Kat?" I asked.

"Oh, aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?"

I turned and saw Kumani and Pinkie both trying to look around me. I turned back to Kat and crossed my arms. "No, I'm not. Now what have you taken?"

She looked hurt. "Can't a friend just check in on another? Why must you assume I've taken something?"

"Because I know you. Yes, you like making flashy entrances, but you wouldn't break into my room just to chat. Especially not when you know you could find me and talk to me in the middle of the party, increasing your own image. So I'll ask again before I get violent: What did you take?"

"You? Getting violent with _me_? I think we both know how well that would end for you. If you introduce me to your friends, I might give back what I took."

"Kumani, Pinkie, hold her down. Be careful of her claws."

"Silly cat claws can't scratch through dragon scales," Kumani said with a grin, pushing past me into my room.

"After what she did to you, I'll 'hold her down' good!" Pinkie forced through gritted teeth.

"So violent!" Kat said as she jumped to her feet. I stepped in and closed the door behind me, locking it. Sure, she could still get out, but it wouldn't be easy.

"Last chance, Kat," I said.

She answered by lunging at Pinkie, claws bared. Kumani caught her in the chest with one claw and slung her at the wall. Kat bounced and hit the floor, not moving.

Pinkie took a step towards her. "Stop!" I called. "She's faking. Kumani, would you kindly?"

Kumani walked over to Kat as she picked herself off the floor, sighing. "You know me too well, Nav." She held her arms out and Kumani grabbed them in one talon and picked Kat up. She then wrapped her other talon around her legs, making sure she couldn't move at all.

"Thank you," I said, walking up to Kat. I began rifling through pockets. I pulled out the envelope from the dogs, the envelope from Celestia, some of my human weapons, what looked like plans for the crossbow based on studying it, and a set of lock picks. "Naughty, naughty. I would have noticed these missing, as I've already opened them. Looks like you were trying to keep me from meeting the dogs and trying to sneak into a meeting with Celestia."

"The dogs are planning to kill you!" Kat said. Pinkie gasped.

I shrugged. "I'm not surprised. They probably heard what happened with the changelings. Kumani, you interested in playing bodyguard tomorrow? If you're there the dogs won't touch me."

Kumani shook her head. "I can't. I've already spent too much time with you. Even entering your room was too much risk."

Kat grinned. "I have as much of a desire to keep Nav alive as he does. If you don't go with him, there won't be any 'maybes' about it. News will get out about what you two did."

Kumani and I shared a look. "Kill her," I finally said. "Dead men tell no tales. If anyone asks, she broke in and resisted."

Pinkie gasped yet again. "Nav, you can't! She's defenseless!"

Kat nodded rather quickly. "I agree with her! I'm a poor defenseless molly!"

I raised an eyebrow. "You know what I did with the changelings. Why would I hesitate to kill a single person that threatens me and my friends when I killed an entire dog colony for no other reason than because I was told to?"

Kat gulped. "If this is about what happened during the March… you can do anything to me! Anything you want! Just don't kill me!"

I crossed my arms and looked back to Kumani. "This is your reputation at risk here. I wouldn't blame you if you killed her."

Kumani looked over to me. "What happened during the March?"

I looked to Kat. "Yes Kat. Why don't you tell my two friends what you did?"

"Nav, that was an uncomfortable part of my life. I was finally free! Free to use my newfound authority on what I saw as the highest ranking one there. I just wanted to feel empowered for once!"

"That's the shittiest fucking excuse for rape I've ever heard! And I've been raped by at least five different people! Either can the fucking excuses and own up to what you did or I have Kumani tear you in half."

Kumani's grip tightened. "Do you know what we do to rapists in the horde?" she asked. "First we rape them. Then we kill them. Painfully."

Kat's eyes widened at that.

I smiled. "You know," I said, "I got an offer to join the dragon horde today. I'm pretty sure that any crime like that would be retroactively punishable. Maybe I can be convinced to not mention it."

She actually scoffed. "I know that's not true. Dragons wouldn't offer to let anyone outside their own kind join them."

I walked over to my bag. "While you were stealing my things, you may have noticed this old relic," I said, pulling out my key. I held it up. "This can make anyone tell the truth." I concentrated. "What did you do to me during the march?"

Her eyes lost concentrated. "Raped you. Tortured you. Taught you." She blinked, shaking her head. "What did you do?"

I turned to Pinkie and concentrated again. "Did I get an offer to join the dragon horde?"

She happily nodded her head. "Yep yep! From the big gold dragon himself!"

I slipped the key into a pocket. "You heard her, Kat. The reason I was invited had something to do with seducing Kumani, too. So yes, you telling people would possibly ruin her reputation with the horde, but it would end up with you dead."

"What do you want?" Kat asked.

"Information. What interest do you have in me?"

"You're a hero to the cats and to our king. Letting the dogs harm you would be bad for us. And… well, I like you. I don't want you hurt."

"Why steal the invitation instead of telling me? I would have believed you."

"Well… I wanted a bit of fun. And truth be told, I was supposed to be the distraction while Rock came in and kidnapped you."

"If Rock was coming, he would have kicked my door in by now. Looks like you got abandoned. Why kidnap me if you were just going to steal the invitation?"

"That was the backup plan, if you refused to see sense. I would try to convince you. If I failed, Rock would kidnap you. Stealing the invitation was supposed to help reduce suspicion."

"And I assume you were going to use the invitation to Celestia to tell her what you had done and why."

"Yes, that was the plan."

"I want to tell you right now that kidnapping me would have been a poor choice. The captain of the guard knows who you are and what you did. You would have been the number one suspect when I disappeared. You had some other items on you." I reached over to where I set the human weapons down and picked one up. "Do you know what any of these do?"

"No. But I assume that if you had them locked away like that, they were important and useful."

I set it back down. "Pinkie, frisk her again, make sure I didn't miss anything."

Pinkie slowly walked up to Kat. She stood up on her hind legs and began rubbing all over Kat's body, looking for anything I might have missed. When she got close to Kat's head, Pinkie leaned in and whispered something I couldn't hear. Kat went pale. After a minute, Pinkie finally pulled away. "She's clean! Well, not _clean _clean; she does smell funny."

"Do you two have any questions for her?" I asked.

Pinkie shook her head. "I don't have any questions for a meanie-beanie like her."

Kumani flicked her tongue out before sucking it back in. "She's not as afraid as she lets out. Why is that?"

"I'm a trained assassin," Kat answered. "And Navarone is a pushover. I figured the damsel in distress act would work. He's changed."

"And not for the better," I added. "We could give her to Shiny. He'd lock her ass in jail for breaking and entering and keep her there forever for what she did to me."

Kumani shook her head. "She'd break free from any conventional cell."

Pinkie spoke up. "My dad told me something one day, back on the rock farm after one of my sisters pushed me. 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.'"

"I'm not a monster, Pinkie. I wouldn't do that to anyone for any reason. And I'm shocked and disappointed to even hear you say something like that. There are three choices: Give her to the guard, kill her, or let her go. Remember Pinkie: I forgave you."

Kat said, "I vote for letting me go."

"Noted. Kumani?"

"She is no threat to us, but she is guilty of the worst crime there is. That said, a trained assassin is good to have on your side. I do not like letting her walk free, but it is the best choice."

"Pinkie?"

"I don't like the idea of hurting anypony, Nav. And she was just trying to protect you. I say let her go."

_Flo?_

She whispered. "Let her go."

"We can't let her leave unpunished," I said. I reached up and yanked Kat's pants down. "Bend her over." Kumani did so with a grin.

Kat sighed. "Be gentle, Nav. And remember that I'm sorry for what I did."

"No you're not." I raised my hand and gave her ass a slap. "And for lying you'll get even more." With that, I gave Kat a very vicious spanking. My hand was stinging and you could actually see the red marks on her ass through the fur when I finally decided to stop. "Was anyone keeping count?" I asked.

I think Kat was actually crying. She didn't comment.

Pinkie spoke up. "One hundred and forty seven."

Holy shit. Well… "I don't like leaving uneven numbers." I raised my hand again and gave her another three. She actually whimpered when I started again. "Well, I feel better. You can let her go, Kumani." Kat fell to the floor and her hands tried to cover herself up. She didn't even make an effort to rise.

"Hmm, that actually turned me on a bit," Kumani mentioned.

"Well, my schedule is free. Pinkie here can trundle Kat away and we can have some fun."

"They already know about us anyway…" Kumani mused. She grinned. "I like that idea."

I turned to Pinkie just in time to catch a pink stone to the face. _Dammit, Pinkie_. I saw the blue stone flying at Kumani. I sighed and said, "Can you deal with Kat? Just take her… somewhere. Make sure her punishment sticks, if you know what I mean."

"Okie dokie!" I picked Kat up and set her over Pinkie's back like a sack of grain.

"Should we pull her pants up?" I asked.

"Nope!"

"No." Kumani's voice was a lot deeper now. It was kind of scary.

"Lock the door when you get out, Pinkie."

She actually took the time to collect the stones before walking out. When she was out the door, I said, "Just once I want those stones to be used for something other than sex…"

"I'm not complaining."

(Sex is coming up. ctrl+f "Sex is over" to skip)

I turned back to look at her—him, now. He was still taller than I was, about the same height as before. He also had the same coloration. The only real difference was a more masculine build and the tip poking out of a sheath.

I looked down at it. "If that thing gets much bigger, I'm going to have to be on top. If you get control you might honestly hurt me."

"I might hurt you anyway. Our males are a bit… different."

"I have a dragon friend back home. He's a lot younger than you are, I think. He's fucked a few ponies. There's a very real chance you won't be able to fit that inside of me at all."

"You know, you're really blasé about this. Have you tried it before?"

"Unfortunately, yes. My last relationship crashed and burned partly because of it. She loved to do shit like this and I didn't." I shrugged. "Well, shall we get started?"

He grinned evilly. "I don't suppose you'd let me treat you like you did Kat?"

"With your dragon strength, you could actually hurt me." I began taking weapons off before moving to clothes. He sat on the bed as I began pulling stuff off. When he saw my knife belts under my clothes—which hurt with my new breasts—he rolled his eyes. Finally, I stood before him completely naked.

He grinned at my body, taking it all in. "I think I like humans. Your bodies are just wonderful." Before I could respond, he quickly stood up, grabbed me by the arms, lifted me up to his face, and kissed me. I wasn't really used to such forwardness anymore, but I responded well to it. Soon enough his really long dragon tongue was down my throat. I tried pulling back from that, but he wouldn't let me. It's just a really odd feeling.

After a minute of exploring my throat, he pushed me away. "I suppose I owe you, Navarone," he said. "You didn't sell me out to Pyrite, when many would have."

"I'm not a dick. Why would I do that? Also, can you set me down?"

He sat back down on the bed and put me on his lap, facing him. I could feel his engorged dragonhood against my stomach. "You would do that to avoid punishment. You didn't know what he would demand as your price. I would have been killed, but he could have done any number of things to you. When you told me what you did, I almost felt disappointed that you didn't choose to take me for a bride." He shrugged. "But I understand why you didn't. Choice is something important to most races, and you knew I didn't have a choice in the matter. And you have your own life to live that I know nothing of. But… you should be rewarded."

"Rewarded?"

He answered by lowering his head to my chest and wrapping a tongue around one of my breasts, bringing his mouth in close. I felt him fully enclose it and feared for a moment that I was about to have it bitten off. He surprised me by getting a suction of sorts and sucking on it lightly while his tongue toyed with my nipple. The pleasure was immense and unexpected. I let off a gasp and felt my hands go to his head while his arms wrapped around me. I heard him giggle when he felt my reaction.

After a minute or two, I had the presence of mind to remember that I wasn't alone, despite the good feelings I was getting. I lowered one hand to his member and wrapped it around the head. Now, I hadn't really gotten a good look at it, because I was somewhat afraid of what I would see. As I lowered my hand, I felt several bumps along it, soft spikes that felt like they could easily mold around me. I didn't think they would actually hurt, assuming I could even fit him inside.

He definitely noticed me exploring. He pulled away from me with an amusing pop and I heard myself grunt in disappointment. His arms pulled away from me before grabbing my arms and lifting me again. He fell back against the bed and pulled me up so that I was sitting on his face.

"You know, I may be small but I'm not completely fragile."

"This is more fun," he replied.

I just sighed as he took in what was apparently his bounty. "You seem to think so too," he commented. _Well, yeah. What he did felt good. Why wouldn't I be wet?_

When I didn't give him a response, I felt his tongue reach out and gently prod me. He slurped it back in with a chuckle. "You humans even taste good! What other surprises await?"

"We don't feel like fire inside. Speaking of which…" My body was demanding he go back to work. My mind was getting a sick joy from it that wasn't present when Luna was in control. It probably had something to do with me being human.

His tongue shot back out and wasted no time entering me, exploring my new womanhood. I only had this done to me once by an inexperienced partner, and the explosion of feelings in my mind was enough to let me know that I needed to do it again someday. I have no idea if Kumani was experienced or not, but his tongue was making up for any lack. I almost immediately started trying to grind, which didn't work all that well since I was still being held above him. Of course, grinding on scales wouldn't work well anyway, but good luck telling my body that.

When he forced more of his tongue into me and looped the forked end out to wrap around my clit while still playing with my insides, I knew I was going to peak soon. My wings had long since fully extended. I don't know why that kind of thing happened, but I also didn't care.

I felt a claw gently prodding at my backdoor, but I couldn't formulate a response to tell him to stop. When I tried to talk, it just came out as a moan. When he heard it, he doubled his efforts, his tongue dancing across and into me and his talon weakly pushing inside. It didn't hurt, but it also didn't feel welcome. Like it or not, it didn't stop me from cumming, letting my fluids drip down onto his face.

He lowered my body down to his mouth, presumably so he could catch any fluids that came out. I guess he really liked the taste. I felt his teeth brush against me as he lowered me into his mouth. "If you bite down, the last few seconds of my life are going to be spent very angry," I managed to breathe out.

He answered by slapping his tongue against my slit, making me flinch. I lightly punched his head.

When he finished licking pretty much everything he could reach, he finally pulled me off and set me down on his chest. "You taste amazing," he sighed.

I answered by scooching backwards until I felt his member on my back. I noticed that I left a trail of juices behind. "I taste amazing. You ready to find out how I feel?"

"Are you sure? I really don't want to risk hurting you."

"Just lay back and let me do the work and I should be okay. Don't suddenly thrust or anything."

"I'll try."

I nodded and pushed myself up off his stomach with my hands and legs. I gulped when I saw that he had to be at least a foot long. I knelt over him and positioned his spiny dragonhood at my entrance. I lowered myself just enough so that I could feel him poking me. I took a deep breath and let his head slip inside.

I felt stretched just from getting that much in. It was narrower than the rest of his length, so I gave myself a minute to adjust before slowly lowering to take more in. Hell, he was actually panting as I took more of him inside. When I finally got to the first few spines, I stopped. I did a quick mental calculation and figured that if they did hurt me, I could quickly get healed by Celestia. With that, I took a bit more of him.

My God, the feeling from those spines was incredible. I could feel each one inside of me, pressing against my walls. They were little pinpricks of pleasure, almost making me forget the uncomfortable fullness I was feeling. I let out a sigh as I took just a little bit more in. I was at the point where he was actually making me bulge a bit, and I knew I could take no more in or I would get hurt.

I lowered a hand to see how much of his length was left. It was just enough for me to wrap my fist around. I grinned and did so. "How are you feeling?" I asked, my voice a little bit strained.

"So… tight," he hissed.

"If it hurts we can stop."

"Don't you dare!"

I giggled and began rising off him, feeling his spines rubbing against me even more. I got to where it was just his tip in me and slowly began lowering myself again. It didn't take nearly as much time to get down. Soon, I was actually riding him, my body happily responding to that large meat stick inside me. With those little spines and with how large he was, it didn't take me long to begin panting as badly as he was.

Unfortunately, he was a virgin. Even my limited experience as a chick meant that I would probably last longer than he did. He quickly reached his peak and pretty much nothing happened other than his tail wrapping around my upper body somehow. I'm pretty sure that if he did have any jizz produced, it probably would have seriously hurt me.

Not so unfortunately, his tail maneuvered itself to my clit and began rubbing it as I continued riding him. He was gasping for breath as I continued pumping, trying to reach my peak before he softened and pulled out.

I didn't get my way. I was left panting and close to release but unable to get it. I think he saw my state and took pity on me, as he pulled me off his flaccid member and lifted me back up to his face. He flicked his tongue out and I felt the pleasure again, but it wasn't the same as having his large member filling me.

…Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Even if it wasn't the same, he was still skilled. It didn't take long before I came yet again, dropping more fluids onto his face. He repeated the process of taking me into his mouth and licking me clean. It kind of tickled, honestly.

When he finally got all the taste he wanted, he set me back on his chest. "I think I prefer you this way," he said.

"It certainly was a lot of fun… But I don't like being female. It feels wrong to me. My balance is different and my body is off."

He poked one of my breasts with a talon. "These are so much nicer than that flat, hard chest you had before. And your taste! If I could convince some of my friends to give you a try, would you let them?"

Oh God, he's trying to run a train on me. "No thanks. I'll admit that it felt great, but I don't feel like being used like that. Besides, the consequence for one dragon was pretty bad. I don't want to get caught in a room full of them."

"Fair to both points. And it just means more for myself. I think I'm addicted to you, now."

"That's kind of a scary thought. I suppose we can work on your endurance, though. Maybe I can actually cum from riding you, then. Those spines are amazing."

He grinned. "Yes, they are. Now, we both need a shower."

"You go first. I don't trust my legs just yet."

"Hmm… We could share one."

"I think the water temperature you would use would scald my skin. Also, two people in a shower at once would be miserable."

He shrugged and lifted me off him and set me on the bed. He sat up and stretched his wings before standing. "Yes, this is definitely going to become a thing, if you're interested." He walked off to the shower, leaving me thinking about just want he meant.

("Sex is over")

When we got back out of my room, it was getting close to dark outside. I left my axe behind, because it doesn't fit well around my breasts. I had the knife belts strapped around my stomach, outside of my shirt. The sword was around my larger hips. All of my magic artifacts and human weapons were on my body somewhere. After what Kat did, I didn't want to risk any of them getting out. I was planning on getting some kind of magic lock box from Shiny, if he could make me one.

"So can you go back to your dragon friends looking like that?" I asked.

"I would certainly have some explaining to do. Or I could just pretend to be someone else. Or I could just continue hanging out with you. If those dogs do plan on hurting you, they might get impatient and make a move sooner rather than later. What did you even do to them?"

"The short version is that I was hired to help destroy one of their mining colonies. We were remarkably successful. So successful that there can't be any proof that I was actually guilty. The only thing they have to go on is conjecture, I imagine. I don't think they'll try to kill me, but that doesn't mean they won't try to hurt me to get the truth. I would welcome the company, if you would not lose face in giving it."

Kumani picked me up and cradled me like a baby. "You're an Equestrian knight, quite famous. I'll lose no face from hanging out with you."

"Why did you pick me up? And why are you holding me like this?"

"So I can do this." He lifted my face to his and kissed me. I felt my wings shoot out in surprise and my eyes widened. I mean, it wouldn't be odd if we were still in private. But we were in the middle of the festival. Everyone was staring at us. Most of them were just as surprised as I was. He finally managed to get past my teeth and get his tongue into my mouth. I was still too shocked to fight back.

This could mean Kumani's life. That he was just up and doing this was insane! When he finally pulled away, I caught my breath and whispered harshly, "Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

He giggled, for some reason. "As soon as your friend hits me with that stone, I don't exist anymore. Might as well have some fun."

"You won't, but _I will!_ I don't want to get questioned again."

He lowered one of the hands holding me up to stroke my wings, making me flinch. "Don't worry so much. Now, where are we going?"

"You're going to put me down."

"Psh, fine." He finally let me down on the ground. I rearranged my weapons and did my best to lower my wings. _Stupid sexy dragons…_

"If you're coming, come on. I need to find Shining Armor."

"Of course I want to follow you. That jiggle you have going on back there is just wonderful to watch."

I chose not to comment on that. I kind of wondered how I had any jiggle at all, given how much of a skinny stick I am as a guy. Either way, I was looking forward to getting turned back quickly. Knowing Pinkie, though, there was no telling when I was going to get turned back.

Of course, most of the guests here wouldn't even know I was a chick. And a lot of them just saw me kissed by a male dragon. I expected some interesting conversations in the future.

It didn't take us too long to make our way into the central pony area of the party. We were both getting plenty of looks from everyone, but no place was off limits for any race during the parties, aside from the very small number of private functions.

I felt a sudden shift along my body and realized that I was a guy again. I quickly wheeled around to see a pink tail disappearing behind a corner. Kumani was unchanged. I just shook my head and kept going. _I'm destroying those stones when I get back_. I rearranged the knife belts so that they were around my chest again.

Shining Armor actually didn't look like he was doing anything important. He was standing outside of a small building, one that I figured was probably Celestia's main hub. I walked up to him. "Sup, Shiny? How you liking the party so far?"

"It's dull, at least for me." He nodded at Kumani. "Who's that?"

"Friend of mine. Name's John."

"Nice to meet you, John," Shining said with a small bending of his legs.

"And you," Kumani answered.

"I see you're enjoying the party, Nav," Shiny said.

I shrugged. "Eh, you know. Almost got forced to marry a dragon or join the dragon horde, went into my room to find someone breaking in and stealing my stuff, and then I found out the dogs are planning to kill me tomorrow. The usual. Can you make me an enchanted lockbox?"

He blinked. "Alright, how much of that was true? I can't tell with you."

"All of it. There was an incident with the great dragon migration a few years ago and at the party last year there was another incident with a dragon. Because of those two, the clutch leader fellow wanted to force me into the horde. I didn't know that was possible and it seems silly, but that's how it is. When I got back from meeting him, I met John and Pinkie near my room. I took them both in and Kat was there, trying to warn me against meeting the dogs. I had John hold her down while I rifled through her pockets. She had the dog invitation, Celestia's invitation, several human weapons, and a set of lock picks. She warned me, I punished her, we let her go, and now we're here."

It took him a minute to process what I told him. "And… how did you punish her?"

"A very fierce spanking."

"Do I even want to know what a spanking is?"

Oh yeah, I forgot that ponies don't have hands. "Turn around." He sighed and did so. I raised my hand and brought it down against his flank. He let off a yelp of surprise and whirled around. "That's a spanking. Or actually, that was a spank. Now, do you know where I can get a magic lockbox? I don't want to carry all this stuff around."

His face was very red from embarrassment or maybe anger. He decided—smartly—to not comment on that. "We'll discuss the lockbox in a moment. How did she know the dogs were going to kill you? And why would they do so?"

"The why isn't important. The how… Well, she's an ex-assassin and the cats are good at sneaking anyway. I figure she has sources that spy on them. Kat's plan was to kidnap me if I didn't take her word for it that the dogs were going to kill me. She was going to hold me until the day of the meeting passed."

"Well… you're not going to _go_, are you?"

"I do plan on it, yes. I'm going to bring John. Any revenge they would feel from striking me down wouldn't be worth the losses they would incur doing it with him there. I'll try to keep it civil, see what they want, all that fun stuff. With luck, Kat will have been lying or just wrong."

"What time are you going to meet them?"

I pulled the invite out of my pocket and passed it to him. He scanned over it quickly. "I can make this time. I'm going too." He passed the invite back to me.

"Cool. Should we tell Celestia?"

"No. But I do want a favor for going with you."

"Ask. I might be able to give you a boon."

He went a bit hesitant. "My wife and I want to… discuss… something with you when we get back to Canterlot. We have a proposition of sorts. All I ask right now is that you hear us out when we ask, and to not tell anypony about it."

"Sounds easy enough. I mean, hell, it's not like you want a threesome or something. Now, about that lockbox I need?"

"If you already caught Kat, she probably won't try again. But I'll have a magic safe sent to your room. It can only be picked up with magic and it can only be opened by one key. There will be a guard waiting for you with the key to it."

"Thanks, Shiny. Just remember: Tomorrow, I'm in charge. You may be captain of the royal guard, but I don't imagine you have much experience in dark ops and back room stuff. That's my territory."

He rolled his eyes. "Right. I'll be ready to put a shield up instantly for when you mess up."

"Love the vote of confidence. Keep it real, Shiny."

Before he could ask what that meant, Kumani and I left. "John?" he asked.

"There was a male dragon named Bruce. I figured John would fit."

He rolled his shoulders. "Well enough, I suppose. So, how reliable is he?"

"No clue. I know he has some powerful shields, but after the wedding I don't think I would trust him guarding anything, let alone the princess. Now _that _was a right clusterfuck. Still, I'm sure he'll be able to keep a few dogs away from us while we taunt them."

"What happened at the wedding?"

"The changeling queen infiltrated Canterlot disguised as Shining Armor's fiancé. I realized immediately it wasn't her and she trapped me and his real fiancé in some caves under Canterlot. The queen fooled almost everyone else. We escaped just in time to save the day. Captured the queen, kept the changelings out of Canterlot, and brokered a treaty between the changelings and ponies. And that led directly to what happened with the dogs. Celestia let the queen borrow me to help deal with a dog colony right next to a changeling colony. The two groups were constantly fighting. The queen had me help wipe the dogs out. I gave them the plans to do it. The dogs died almost to a man. There were I think about five survivors, four of which were immediately captured and one of which evaded capture for a while."

"You're like, some kind of hero! No wonder Pyrite wanted you in the horde."

"Yeah, 'some kind' of hero. I get the job done, but that's all that can be said. Doesn't matter. Come on, let's enjoy the party while you're still awake."

"Sounds good to me." Her voice sounded a lot higher. I turned back to find that Kumani was now properly female. "I have a feeling we're in for an odd week."


	59. Chapter Fifty-Seven

Chapter Fifty-Seven—Playing by the rules is overrated anyway

The next day, I gathered up Shining Armor and Kumani and we entered the dog compound. I was armored, as I figured I might as well do my best to stay alive. I wasn't wearing the helmet because that would make it look like I thought I was about to get attacked.

We three entered the dog quarter. "So where's John?" Shiny asked as we began walking.

"He couldn't make it," Kumani answered. "I'm his sister, Kumani."

"I see. And Navarone, what are these rumors I hear about you kissing a male dragon yesterday?"

"It was a dare," I answered. "Not one either of us made. I'm surprised he did it, knowing the potential consequences."

"And I'm surprised you were so docile about it," Shiny answered with a smirk. "I figured you were more of a lady's stallion."

"I am. He caught me by surprise. And fuck, man, have you ever kissed a dragon? Their tongue goes down your fucking throat. You can't really fight back."

Kumani giggled. "You never complained about _my _tongue before," she said, her voice husky.

Shiny gave me a good 'what the fuck' look. "Really, Nav? _Her_?"

I shrugged. "I have exotic tastes. Given that I'm the only fucking human here, I kind of have to. Is it any real surprise to you?"

He sighed and shook his head. "I've come to expect no better of you. Griffins, ponies, cats, dragons… I bet you've even put a naga on that list, haven't you?"

My grin told him enough. "To be fair, though, I have been here for several years. And I'm exotic as well, so there are some girls out there that would be more willing to do things with me. It's been fun, but I was looking forward to settling down. But hell, look where that got me."

"I know, Nav," Shining answered. "Celestia only knows I hear enough about that from Cadance."

I don't even want to know. I'm not surprised that Cadance was whining about it. When I got back I would tell her the full story.

We three were getting plenty of looks from the dogs. It isn't every day you see a dragon, the pony captain of Celestia's royal guard, and a bipedal critter that didn't match anything else. Especially one that's armored in some very expensive looking plate mail, wielding a crossbow, some bolts, a sword, and an axe. I figured I'd play the part of knight on this trip. The axe and sword were both on my back, one over each shoulder. I was hoping that I was ready for anything.

When we finally got to the address provided on the invitation, we saw several armed and armored dogs around the small compound. I showed the invitation to a bored looking sentry that stiffened when we approached. "I'm here to see the boss," I said.

He looked over the letter for a moment before shrugging. "You human?" he asked in a somewhat guttural voice?

"Yes."

His eyes flicked over my shoulders. "They not human."

"No, they're not. They're coming with me."

"Nothing but human allowed inside."

I crossed my arms. "You go tell your boss that unless these two come in with me, we have no business to discuss."

He shrugged again. "Your head." He pushed the gates open and entered the little house. We waited there for a few minutes. When he finally came back out, he walked up to us. "Only human can come in."

I turned around and started walking away.

"Wait!"

I turned and looked for the one that spoke. It sure wasn't the guard dog; that was a much more cultured voice. Through the bars of the fence, I saw a very tiny dog. I would say he was some manner of chihuahua, if that had any relevance. "Yes?" I asked.

He sighed. "I can't let them in. But I must talk with you. Why do you refuse to see me without them?"

"I got word you were planning on killing me. These two are my assurance that I don't get hurt."

He looked affronted. "And where did you hear such preposterous rumors?"

"My sources are my own, but I trust them more than I trust you. If you have business to discuss, we can discuss it here. Or you can come with me to a more secure location. But I'm not going anywhere alone."

He grit his teeth before turning to my companions. "You. Unicorn. I've seen you before. You are Celestia's royal guard commander. Any business I have to discuss with Navarone would go straight to her ear." He looked at Kumani. "You, however… Dragons have no loyalties beyond kin and gold. You'll find plenty of gold if you help Navarone." He turned back to me. "The dragon can enter. The unicorn may not."

I crossed my arms. "I don't need gold. I don't need a job. I have no desire to enter a contract. We may have things to discuss, but unless you have a very convincing reason that you can give me right here and right now to stay, I'm leaving."

"What if I told you that if you entered and spoke with me, we could decrease smuggling of lives, drugs, and other items by as much as fifty percent?"

"I would call you a liar, first. A criminal organization does need a boss, but just because the head is cut off doesn't mean the rest of the criminals will follow. Most will resort to independent work, lacking any manner of rules or guidelines. You want me to assassinate a crime boss. You either plan to take over his organization for yourself or you plan to try to end it. Neither would work. The first, because I would kill you. The second, because crime never ends. It just changes."

He shook his head sadly. "I thought you were a creature with vision! One that knew that enslaving others was wrong!"

"It is, for the most part. But if you believe that killing one person will end crime, you would be sorely mistaken."

He raised his paw. "There is where _you _are mistaken, Navarone. I don't want him killed." His paw pointed at me. "I want him captured." He dropped it. "The three of you may enter. Open the gate!"

I turned to look at Shining Armor and Kumani. "Well?" I quietly asked.

Shiny was still looking at the dog. "If he can do as he says, we could really clean this place up." His eyes went to mine. "I know you remember the pirates you ran into, Nav. That was one ship. They had several _pony _slaves. If we can help stop that from happening, it is your duty as a knight and my duty as guard captain to ensure we do."

Kumani shrugged. "If he's paying I'm in. I happen to have more loyalties than just to kin and money, but I'm always looking to add to my hoard." She noticed Shining Armor glaring at her. "What? I don't care about your little ponies or crime."

_Flo?_

"I am fairly certain he won't betray you," she said.

I turned and walked into the gates. Shining Armor and Kumani followed. The dog grinned and began leading us into his little estate. The doors opened for him and he led us through the foyer and into a nice sitting room. Each chair had high backs, so neither Kumani nor I could sit in them. There were no couches for Shiny. The dog walked over to a chair behind the desk and sat down. I noticed that the chair was highly padded, enough so that he could look over the desk.

"Shiny, ward the door. Nothing gets in."

"My name isn't Shiny." His horn lit up and a purple ward appeared over the door.

I turned to the dog. "Why me?"

"Because I know your loyalty to Celestia and her sister is merely coincidental. You are a knight of Equestria, but you care nothing for the land or its ponies. Your motivation also isn't gold. You do what you do because you either have no choice or because you are convinced that it is the morally correct thing to do. I have a feeling you would tell Celestia or Luna to eat shit if they told you to do something you thought was evil."

"Damn right I would. Your spies are good. Convince me to do this job of yours, then."

"The dog father—" That's as far as he got before I burst out laughing.

He looked disturbed and a little bit insulted as I tried to get myself together. When I finally managed to breathe without laughing, I said, "D-d-dog father? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"No. I'm not. I don't know why you find his name humorous."

"It's a human thing. God, I fucking hate this planet. Go on, tell me more about your god father."

"_Dog _father. He's the biggest crime boss this side of China. There are rumors that he was thrown into Tartarus by Celestia herself and managed to escape."

Shiny scoffed. "Impossible. No pony can escape from Tartarus."

"I didn't say it was true. But where do you think the blood diamonds come from, huh? You know Celestia wouldn't risk mining operations in that hellhole."

"Blood diamonds are a myth!"

"No they aren't," I said. "I've found one before. Your sister confirmed it, and you know she knows her shit. I don't have all day. Shining, is the dog father a real person and is he a crime boss?"

"He's not a person, but he is a crime boss."

"Alright, I don't care what he did. Why should I take him down?"

"Think of all the lives you could save! Think of—"

"Don't care about them. What I meant is, what's stopping someone else from taking over after I remove this fellow?"

"That's why you're taking him _alive_. Capture him, bring him here, I retrieve the information I need from him, and then the dogs out east pour in all the resources I need to remove his criminals from business. We take down all the heads at once in one massive sting operation and remove his entire business. Sure, something else might eventually replace him, but that would take time. And with what we learn from him, we can possibly prevent it from happening as quickly."

"What's in it for us?"

"Ten thousand bits. Each."

Shiny sniffed. "We'll do it for free!"

"Kumani, hit him." I heard a loud thwack behind me. "Where is this fellow? What makes you think we can even do this?"

"Because he wants to meet you, Navarone. And he's here, at this festival."

"He would never let Shining Armor in. Captain of the royal guard? He'd be killed on sight."

"Then don't bring him. I have an agent you can use instead. Minerva, you can enter now." A panel opened on one of the walls and a female dog walked out. "This is Minerva, a very well trained fighter. She has a bone to pick with the dog father." It wasn't until I sit here writing this that the pun hit me.

I looked her up and down before turning back to the boss. "No. I'm not bringing someone that has a grudge with this guy. If I'm going to risk my life capturing him, I'm going to risk my life my way. I don't need another bloody fighter anyway. I need a thinker. So no, you can keep your agent. Give me the location of this guy and I'll have him for you by the end of the week."

The boss leaned back in his chair. "I am not used to hiring mercenaries that do not accept any manner of guidance."

"And I'm not a mercenary."

"What if part of the deal was that you had to take her?"

"Then I would walk out that door and you wouldn't see me again."

Minerva finally spoke up. "Please! I want to be part of the team that brings the dog father to justice! He killed my entire family!"

"Yeah, I don't care. Another person I don't know and can't control adds too much of a risk on this already too risky mission. I already have a plan for taking this fellow down. That plan does not involve you. It cannot involve you. You would get in the way. When I bring him here, you can torture him all you want."

"My entire life was dedicated to bringing him to justice!"

"Then it looks like you picked a wrong vocation." I turned back to the boss. "If she shows up while I'm trying to capture the father guy, I won't be able to ensure his safety. You keep her here."

He sighed before nodding. "Fine. Have it your way. It's more important that he be brought to justice than she gets her revenge." He turned to the girl. "Sorry toots. It's his show now."

She was actually tearing up. I said, "So where is the dog father?"

He opened a drawer and pulled an envelope out and passed it across the desk. "We intercepted this message that was bound for you."

I picked it up and opened it. I read it to myself before reading aloud, "Sir Navarone—You are an interesting subject. You managed to capture one of my ships and crew almost entirely by yourself. You helped ruin an entire trade industry in Egypt. You aided trade and legitimized several smugglers that had been paying me protection money, denying me even more income. You helped the changelings destroy a very profitable mining colony. You seem to ruin my business simply by existing. Yet I have no desire to harm you. I know you have many qualities I would pay dearly to possess. Of course, why pay when you don't have to? If you want to see your little Taya again, meet me in the sewers under the naga compound. You may bring two companions—not that they'd do you any good. Signed, dog father."

"He has Taya?" Shiny asked, surprised.

"Hell no he doesn't have Taya," I answered. "She's across the motherfucking ocean. I just saw her two days ago. This letter was written before I got here, when he thought I was taking a boat and hadn't seen her in a month or so. She's protected by Twilight and herself." I looked at the boss. "I'll be back here in less than a day. You better be here, or I'm slitting his throat and leaving you his body."

He nodded. "I'd expect nothing else. May profit be with you."

I led the way back out the building. Whenever Shining Armor tried to talk, I told him to shut up. We finally got back to my apartments. I turned to Shiny. "Is there a way to eavesdrop with magic?"

"There are some enchanted devices, yes."

I grabbed the invitation to the dog father and set it on the table and led the way to my room. "Put a ward up. I want just us inside it. Nothing needs to hear this." He did. "Alright, most people don't know how much magic can actually do. Shiny, go get Celestia. Have her teleport directly to me. Leave the bubble up."

"My name isn't Shiny and this isn't a bubble. You can't just order the princess around, Nav!"

"Tell her it's important. Tell her _I _said it was important."

He grit his teeth. "_Fine_."

He left, muttering darkly. "So what's the plan, Nav?" Kumani asked.

"I'll wait for Celestia to get here. I don't want to explain it twice."

"Do I at least get a part?"

"Yes. You get to help me drag him back to the boss. You'll get your money, assuming we get paid for this."

I walked over to the writing desk between the two beds and pulled some paper from the desk. I wrote a quick message and walked back to the bubble.

"So… what do you want to do while we wait?" she asked after a minute of silence.

"Knowing Celestia, she'd teleport in just as we got to the good stuff. I guess you could tell me more about yourself; all I know is your name and that you're a dragon."

She opened her mouth to answer but a teleporting princess cut her off. "This better be important, Nav," Celestia said.

"It is. The dog boss just hired me to take down the dog father. I got a letter from the father telling me that he has Taya and that if I want to see her again I'll meet him in the sewers under the naga complex. I'm going to go there and you're going to teleport me and the boss here. Then you kick his ass, steal all his memories, and we give him to the dogs."

Celestia nodded her head. "I like that plan. Just to be on the safe side, though, we should check with Twilight."

I held up the note. She pulled it from me with magic, read it quickly, and sent it on its way. "You really do think of everything, Nav," she said.

"Not everything," I answered. "Just as much as I can."

Celestia looked to Kumani. "And you must be the dragon he slept with. He does get around. How was he?"

"Fun. Quite a lot of it. I take it you've spent a time or two with him."

Before Celestia could answer, a scroll burst to life in front of her. She quickly scanned it before passing it to me. It basically said that of course Taya was there, though some dogs did show up to try to create some trouble. They were handily defeated.

"Pathetic," I said. "Can't even capture a little girl."

"Don't tempt fate," Celestia warned. "Now, we need to do this quickly. I have somewhere I'm supposed to be right now."

I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring and set it on a bed. I replaced my gauntlet. "Just watch me, Celestia."

"Of course, Nav. I want to put the dog father back in prison as much as you do. Just remember: You have to be touching him for me to be able to teleport him as well."

I nodded and went to the door. As the door closed behind me, I heard Kumani comment, "This feels like cheating."

I grabbed the invitation and got outside my room just as Shining Armor got to my door. I held a finger to my lips, hoping to keep him quiet. He either got the message or didn't want to talk to me anyway. I hummed an old song as I walked down the streets toward the naga compound. It didn't take me too long to get there.

I got a number of looks and my weapons got even more. And when I went into an alley and pried up a sewer lid, I got a ton of strange looks. I stopped noticing them when I jumped in and let my wings gently float me down.

"God I hate sewers," I said as I covered my nose. I called out, "Alright, I'm here. Come out and lead me to him."

A cat stepped out from behind a corner. "You are alone?" I nodded. "Come, then."

I followed the cat down a very long series of tunnels. He didn't talk and I didn't talk. We finally got to a crossroads type area, where three dogs were waiting for us. Each one looked positively psychotic. "Where's the dog father?" I asked.

One of them stepped forward. "That would be me."

I looked him up and down. "Don't lie. The dog father is going to look normal, someone the guards would never think was a crook. Where is he?"

I heard a light clapping from down one of the corridors. After a moment, I could see a dog walking down it, gently clapping. Another dog followed him, carrying a very depressed looking changeling disguised as Taya.

"You are smart, Navarone," the dog said. "Very smart. But not smart enough to protect those you love, apparently."

I pulled my right gauntlet off and held up my hand for him to shake. He looked at it oddly. "What is this?" he asked.

"Human greeting. We shake hands when we meet possible employers."

"I don't have hands, but… I do like being at least slightly civil." He wrapped his paw around me.

"That's a nice changeling you have there," I said with a grin. The triumphant smirk on his face disappeared as we teleported.

Kumani instantly wrapped her arms around him and squeezed him tight, holding him up and away from me. Celestia bent her horn in and it lit up. The dog instantly fell unconscious.

"Easiest ten thousand bits I ever made," I commented. "So how long do you think it'll take to sort through all his memories?"

Celestia's horn was still glowing. A minute later she pulled back. "Done. I can't believe he seriously came here in person to meet you. How he escaped from Tartarus is beyond me. Apparently he thought it was tradition, or a kind of politeness to greet a defeated opponent in person."

I scoffed. "Dumbass. Do we have everything we need from him?"

She nodded. "Yes. I will give the dogs one month. If they don't make their move, I will begin dismantling his crime organization. Shining Armor, go with them to make sure no harm comes to the dog father.

I finally noticed him over in the corner. He had a very shocked look on his face. "Princess… this feels wrong. It's like… it's like we were supposed to go through a process first, but bypassed all the steps!" We all looked at him like he was an idiot. I mentioned before how he was new to dark operations. He just sighed and shook his head. "Very well. Shall we, then?"

I took my armor off, because it smelled terrible. "Shining, can you do magic to that to make it not stink?" Celestia's horn lit up and the armor returned to its pristine condition. "Thank you. But don't you have something important to do?"

She rolled her eyes. "Important, but boring. I'd rather see the look on the boss's face. Unfortunately, I won't be able to. Shining Armor, when you get payment, return to me."

"Yes, princess." With that, Celestia teleported out. "Well, are you two ready?"

I looked the dog over. "We should tie him."

Kumani gently set him on the bed and began wrapping the sheets around him. It wouldn't be strong, but it should stop him for a moment if he does wake up.

"Why would we need to do that?" Shining asked. "He's not going anywhere. Not with the three of us watching him."

"Because the first rule of mercenary work is not taking unnecessary chances. Especially when you're ferrying an extremely dangerous criminal. Is he good and tied up?"

She tugged at the bounds. "He's not going anywhere."

"Kumani, carry him. If he moves, yell. Shining, keep a shield around us at all times. This fucker had friends. Friends that I don't want coming at us. Speaking of which… Kumani, if you go, you'll probably become a target. Same for you, Shiny. You two don't have to help me get him there."

Shiny said, "I want to see justice done. And my name isn't Shiny."

Kumani shrugged. "They wouldn't dare hurt a dragon. And those bits could be useful."

I pulled my crossbow up and loaded it. "Let's go. Either of you see anything suspicious, note it. Trust no one; they had a changeling with them."

I took a step to the door before remembering something very important. I grabbed my magic cancelling ring and stuffed it in a pocket. With that, we finally departed. As soon as we got outside of my room, a bubble surrounded our little group. When we got outside the apartment, I locked the door behind us and we finally started off to the dog compound.

We got even more looks, this time. Plenty of glares, for taking up so much space; anyone that tried to walk into the bubble clanged off.

We were about halfway to the compound when Pinkie showed up and knocked on the outside of the shield. "Should I let her in?" Shiny asked.

"No. She could very well be a changeling." I stepped up to the side of the bubble she was on. "If you really are Pinkie, we're busy with business for Celestia. Be careful; you might be a target. Trust no one. If I'm not wearing my ring, assume I'm a changeling." I pulled it out of my pocket and put it on.

"Okie dokie! Just know that your punishment is waiting!"

I wasn't expecting Pinkie to be serious about this. Our business, not the punishment. There was a time she would demand to be involved just to feel welcome. I know I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

They ambushed us right outside of the dog part of the town. Dogs, cats, naga, changelings. Hell, even a few ponies. They poured out of the sewers and alleys and swarmed our group, pounding on the shield.

I grinned. "Shiny, can things go _out _of the shield?"

"Not normally," he answered, his voice tight with strain.

"Let's find out if they can while I'm wearing the ring."

I unsheathed the enchanted sword. Some of the assailants backed away a few steps before rushing back in. I walked up to the edge of the shield and swung out at them. The sword went right through, cutting through armor, flesh, and bone. It turned all of their wounds icy as it went, leaving everyone that survived to wail in pain.

At that, the assailants truly backed away. They were expecting a quick dash and grab, killing the three of us and retrieving the boss. They weren't expecting an impenetrable shield and an enchanted sword.

"Let's go. Walk around the wounded, Shiny. The guards should be here soon to clean them up."

Just as I said that, dog guards and pony guards rounded the corners ahead and behind us, finally coming to our rescue. All the civilians had long since fled, leaving just us and the crooks.

We began skirting around the wounded as the criminals finally fled, trying to get away from the guards. "Nav, what did you do to them?" Shining asked.

"Enchanted sword," I answered. "One of two enchanted weapons known to exist. It sends an icy chill through any wound. It's quite useful."

"And how did _you _get that?" he asked.

"I found it. Your sister studied it. Celestia said I could keep it."

"What's its name?" Kumani asked.

"As far as I know, it doesn't have one. If I picked it, I would call it the Pale Blade."

"That's a stupid name," she answered.

"For once, I agree with her," Shiny said.

"Then I guess it's a good thing I didn't pick it. I'm honestly surprised none of those guards tried to stop us," I said. We were a few streets away, now.

"The princess probably sent word ahead," Shiny answered. "And the dogs knew we were coming."

"Doesn't matter, as long as no one gets in the bubble. Kumani, is he keeping still?"

"He's still out cold. Whatever Sunbutt did to him, it was effective."

Shining Armor gasped. "What did you call the princess?"

"Not the time," I said. "You can rebuke her later, when she isn't carrying someone worth thirty thousand bits." He grumbled, but didn't say anything I could hear.

There were no further interruptions on the way to the little estate. The sentry looked at us dumbly when we walked up. "Already?" he asked.

"Yes. Open the gate."

He scratched at his helmet for a second before shrugging and pushing the gate open. We walked around him, the shield still on us. He let it drop when we finally stepped inside their building.

The little dog was running down stairs, quickly trying to put a vest on. When he saw us, his eyes went wide. "They weren't lying! How are you back so quickly?"

"Because I'm dangerously savvy," I said. "You got our money?"

He finally got downstairs into the foyer. When I asked about the money he got shifty-eyed. "Well, sort of. I don't have the actual bits right here, but I can write you a check that you can cash at the bank in town."

"Go get your guards to take the prisoner. You can write your check, but you're coming with us to cash it."

He quickly nodded. "Of course! Of course! Just a moment." He sprinted further into the building, making funny barking noises. A moment later he came back out with three guards and Minerva. She got an evil look on her face when she saw the dog. "Take the prisoner. Break his legs and chain him into a cell."

Shiny recoiled. "You can't do that! It's against several prisoner mistreatment laws!"

"Shining Armor, you have seriously got to learn to shut the fuck up," I said. "This entire job was illegal. We just kidnapped someone. He may be a criminal, but that didn't change the fact that what we did was kidnapping. Kumani, hand him over." She threw him at the dogs. They caught him. I noticed that Shining Armor looked disgusted and horrified. "I want my bed sheets back, by the way."

The boss waved a paw. "I'll just add twenty bits to your reward. You can buy yourself some new ones."

"One more thing: Celestia knows. She helped us pull it off. You have a month to pull your sting op before she does it for you."

The dog flinched back. "A _month_?! That's—" He stopped. "That's… doable. It'll be hard, but we can get the information we need that quickly. Minerva, get started as soon as possible. Whatever it takes." The dogs carried the dog father away. Minerva was chuckling and stroking a dagger.

"Now, our money?"

"Yes, yes. Come along." He pushed through our group to the door. We followed, though Shiny's steps were very stiff. I think it was finally getting into his mind that what we did was pretty illegal. He probably also realized that Celestia not only condoned it, but also helped us.

When we got outside, the boss called up three guards. One of the guards picked the boss up and set him on his shoulders. The other two flanked us. "To the bank," the boss said. The dogs nodded and began trotting off. The boss slapped the one he was riding on the head. "Slower." They slowed down. We started following them. "So, Navarone, how did you capture him?"

"The how isn't important. On the chance that I need to do something like it again, I'd rather not reveal how I did it."

"That's wise, I suppose. _Could _you do it again?"

"Yes. But I do not desire to gain more enemies. We were attacked once on the way here. Oh, and be careful when you're guarding him: They have changelings. When you get back, institute a policy wherein only those that prove themselves by bleeding can see him. Kill any and all bugs you see."

"Why bleeding?" he asked.

"Changelings always bleed their own color. If you cut them when they're disguised, they'll bleed green. Dogs have red blood. And I also suggest removing him from this area immediately. They probably know where he is."

"That is the plan, yes. As soon as I pay you three off, I will make plans to move him. Speaking of which, are you three partners? Or just friends?"

"Friends," I answered. "I've worked with Shining Armor in the past, but this is my first job with Kumani. I think this is their first underhanded job."

"It is," Kumani confirmed. "But they pay well. It might not be my last."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PONIES?!" Shining Armor finally burst out.

"Justice isn't always just," I answered. "Sorry to burst your lawful good bubble, Shining Armor. You just did more good while breaking the law than you usually do while guarding the princess."

"If I didn't need the money, I would be gone," he growled through clenched teeth. "You're lucky I don't lock all of you up!"

I didn't answer. Hell, that kind of killed the entire conversation. I didn't feel bad about it; I knew what we did was right. I just didn't want to piss him off any more.

We got to the bank in silence. The dogs led the way inside. A griffon manager quickly walked over to our group. "What do you need?" he asked, looking at the boss. It wasn't every day you saw a group like ours walking in, and usually when you do you know you have some high rollers.

"I need to make a quick withdrawal," he answered. "Thirty thousand bits."

Every face in the room turned toward us. The griffon gaped. He finally managed to get control of himself. "Come with me, sir. Alone."

The guard dog gently set the boss on the floor, and the griffon led him to a side room. A few minutes later they returned to the foyer. "Just a moment, please." The griffon let off a piercing cry. Three naga guards immediately entered the room. They saw us and drew their weapons. "None of that," the griffon quickly said. "These are customers. I just need your help with an order. Come with me."

The naga put their weapons away and followed the griffon as he led them to a back room. We were getting even more stares now, as people from different rooms further back came to check out what the noise was.

Nearly ten minutes of silence later, the griffon returned. The naga each carried a bulging and clinking sack of bits. Their muscles rippled out as they hefted the incredibly heavy bags. They were set on the ground in front of us. "Do you need a receipt?" the griffon asked the dog.

"Yes. It would be good for the records." The griffon nodded and went to his little side office. The dog turned to us. "There are your bits. This bank is famous for never shortchanging, so don't worry about missing any. You are free to go."

Shining Armor grabbed one of the bags with his magic and walked away without a word, the bag trailing behind him.

Kumani hefted one over her shoulder and looked at me. "Kumani, I can't pick that thing up. Do you think you could…" She grabbed the last bag and it went over her other shoulder. "Thanks, doll." I turned back to the dogs. "Nice doing business with you."

With that, we left the bank. When we got a few blocks away, I said, "Those twenty thousand bits are yours. I don't need any more money. Well, I'll take about a hundred bits to cover some things I need in town. Other than that, the rest is yours."

"Cool. In that case, let's head to my place."

"Take the lead, then. I know I don't mind watching that nice little tail of yours wag."

She giggled and got past me just as a pink stone whirled at me from the side. It hit me and I turned into a chick. Pinkie trotted up and caught the stone before it fell. "What's in the bags?" she asked.

"Nails," I answered. "A lot of them. We're getting paid a few bits to move them around."

"Why would anypony put _nails _in a cloth sack?"

"Beats me," I answered. "Are you enjoying the party?"

"It sure would be a lot more fun if more of my friends were here… Or if you'd play with me more. You and Kumani keep going on all the adventures without me!"

"Well, the one earlier was dangerous. There was a reason we were in a bubble. Speaking of which, you have my permission to go normal Pinkie if it means you get your freaky powers back. There are some people that aren't very happy with me right now, and they might strike out at you."

With the sound of a balloon being blown, her hair exploded and a brilliant smile appeared on her face. She immediately started skipping instead of walking. "Thank you thank you thank you!" She took in a deep breath. "This party's gonna be so much more fun now!"

I put a finger on her lips to silence her. "You still need to behave. I know you understand the difference in making trouble and having fun. Apparently you learned that difference at the first Gala you attended. The same thing applies here. Stay in public areas unless you get an invitation to a private one, and please don't go anywhere without too many ponies without asking me first. I know that's a lot to ask, but the people I just pissed off are very powerful and would not hesitate to slit your throat. So by all means have fun, just be careful and use some common sense." That might be a little much to ask of Pinkie, but I trust her more than I would most of the others.

She saluted while still bouncing, somehow. "You got it, Miss Navarone ma'am!" God, that gender change thing is annoying.

"Hey Pinkie, have you seen any lens-crafting places in town?"

"I've seen three. One in the naga quarter, one in the pony quarter, and one in the dog quarter."

"Damn, you've really done some exploring. What about white or blacksmiths?" For those that don't know, a whitesmith is someone that works in light colored metals.

"Those are everywhere! But if you want something fine, you'll have to use the one in the dragon quarter."

"I know this is a low chance, but what about leather workers?"

She grimaced. "There aren't any of those anywhere."

"Didn't think so. What about a place where I can get a good strap of something? Or some really strong fabric?"

"Nav, you can just buy goggles."

"Not to fit my face, I can't. And I need these made for special things."

"Then check the pony quarter. Though this entire thing seems silly."

"Pinkie, why do you care about anything that seems silly? You're Pinkie!"

"Oh yeah! I'm still getting back in the mood. Give me a few more minutes."

"Take your time. Kumani, how far away are we?"

"It's only been a few minutes. Take a guess."

I shrugged. I wasn't in any real hurry. "Pinkie, I can find all the shops myself. Thanks for the help."

"No problemo!" She didn't go anywhere, though. She just continued bouncing next to me. "So where are we going?"

"Dragon quarter," I answered. "I don't know how welcome you'll be where we're going."

"Not very," Kumani said back to us. "Nav can get in easily because he's—or she's—Nav. You… might be able to get in."

"Why would dragons need nails?" Pinkie asked.

"So they can hang pictures," I answered. "I mean, have you ever tried driving a nail into a rock wall? You ruin a bunch of them like that." Most dragons live in caves.

"I guess that makes sense. But why would you hang a picture when you could just put in a desk and get a different kind of frame?"

I shrugged. "Tradition, I guess. I know better than to question dragons."

"If you say so," Pinkie said doubtfully.

We continued in silence. I had no doubt that Pinkie wanted to talk more, but she knew me; I don't usually enjoy the constant discussions of frivolous topics. Honestly, I'm quite surprised she was still around.

Thankfully, the crowd thinned as we got closer to the dragon area. There was still a large number of ponies, since this was one of their cities, but most of the other races started disappearing from the roads. Dragons aren't exactly known as the most hospitable bunch, after all.

And a lot of the dragons were staring at the bags Kumani was carrying. I wouldn't be overly surprised if they could smell the gold within. I casually unhooked my crossbow and held it at the ready. The wooden one couldn't pierce a dragon's hide, but I wouldn't doubt for a second that this one could. It would give them a nasty hole to brag about, that's for sure.

"I'm somewhat surprised they give your people houses," I commented as we walked. "Wouldn't your claws damage the floors?"

"Normally, yes. But the hosting city of the party goes to great lengths to ensure that doesn't happen. Magic is usually involved."

All was looking good for us until our group was stopped in the middle of the street by a male dragon a little taller than Kumani and in a full suit of plate armor. "You, Navarone. I have heard reports of you kissing a dragon yesterday. What have you to say to this?"

"It was a dare, nothing more," I answered. He leaned back at my voice; he was probably expecting something a bit more masculine sounding. "A fool of a friend of mine dared him to do so in public. Given my past… transgressions of that nature when it comes to the dragons, I dealt with his crime myself. I truly hope you fear no repeat of the incident."

"A dare… tell me, who was the dragon that defiled himself in such a manner?"

"He called himself John."

"I do not know him. That might be a false name." He turned to Kumani. "You, dragoness. Would you happen to know the name of the one that did this?"

"I do not, Purifier."

He looked at the bags she was holding. "And what is in those?"

"Gold," I answered. "Twenty thousand bits. Earned by the two of us. You can check with the dog boss; he kept a receipt for the money. There was another in our group, a unicorn by the name of Shining Armor. He earned ten thousand for himself."

He nodded slowly. "And what did you do to earn this money?"

Kumani answered, "Navarone captured the dog father. I aided him."

"If he captured the boss, why was the profit spread evenly?"

"Because I am a fair man," I answered. "Just because I did most of the work does not mean their efforts weren't just as important."

He crossed his arms. "Why then is she carrying the load for you, though?"

"I'm not strong enough. My strength lies in my weapons and my mind, not in my body."

He grinned. "If only you were in the horde. We could use more thinkers rather than brute muscle." He turned to Pinkie. "You. What is your role in these events?"

Pinkie was sitting on her haunches, eating popcorn taken from who knows where. She looked up at his mentioning of her. "I'm the comic relief!"

He blinked and looked at me. I shrugged. He looked back at Pinkie. "Continue the good work, pink one." He turned to Kumani. "They are welcome in our holds. If any deter you, tell them Purifier Echo vouches for them. But… If I find that you are lying about any parts of what you told me, I am coming for you, dragoness. And just because you are a knight of another nation, Navarone, do not think you are safe from me."

"I have no worries," I answered.

"It is good to find one so carefree," he answered. "Continue on your way. I will look into these matters further." He left, walking down the way we came. For anyone wondering what just happened, it was later explained to me that dragons have a version of guard called Purifiers that make sure dragons don't just go willy nilly and fuck shit up. Sure, back in the old day that was accepted as appropriate dragon behavior. Nowadays, though, dragons tend to hold themselves accountable for such destructive behavior. And thus, purifiers were made. They keep draconic laws and make sure that dragons follow the laws of whatever land they are in. I don't know what the name was about.

"You told me those were nails," Pinkie said. There was no accusation in her voice.

"I did," I answered as we continued on our way.

We got a few meters when a thought hit me. "Kumani, what did you tell Shining Armor when he asked about your male body?"

She stopped like a brick. "I told him…" Her head whirled around to see the back of the purifier fellow turning the corner. "Oh fire… I told him I was my brother!"

"I don't think it would be a good idea to let that guy find out about that. Pinkie, would you kindly go inform Shining Armor that he's about to get a guest that he should not mention male Kumani to?"

She raised a hoof in front of her and looked it over. "I dunno, Nav."

"Ten thousand bits," Kumani said.

Pinkie didn't budge, just continued looking over the back of her hoof. Kumani turned to me, desperation in her eyes.

I sighed. "A date. Wherever you want. Two conditions: We have to both be free, and Shining Armor has to not say anything. Deal?"

"_One _date?" Pinkie asked, finally looking up.

"If the first one goes well, we'll go on another. But if the first one flops, there's no need to go anywhere else. Fine?"

Pinkie took a moment to pretend to consider. "Wellll… Okay. But only because you're my friend!" She held out a hoof to shake. I met it with my hand. Only when my hand touched her hoof did I realize we were both now male. I shook her hoof and with that she was merrily hopping down a side road, once again female.

"Will she make it?" Kumani answered.

I turned to her and grinned. "You don't know Pinkie. For what it's worth, I would trust her with more than my life. Now, let's go. And you owe me for this."

"Yeah, yeah." She began to walk again. "Seems I tend to end up owing you a lot. How am I ever going to pay you back for all of this?"

"I'm sure I'll think of something. Even if nothing apparent shows up, I can imagine that having a dragon owe me would be quite useful."

"Oh, the indignity," she mock-complained. "Whatever shall I do, owing such a pitiful creature."

"I'm sure you'll manage."

She finally stopped outside of a large mansion. "This is it," she said. "Can you get the door?"

I tried the handle. It opened with no problem. I graciously allowed her to enter first and followed behind her. When I had the door shut, I turned to check out the place. "Nice," I said with a nod. "Why can't I get a place like this?"

"Because you aren't the daughter of a high ranking dragon. Now come, these bags are heavy."

She walked into a back room. I shrugged and followed. "So how high ranking is this fellow?" Man, it's just like me to accidentally find a ranking official and then fuck his daughter. Not necessarily in that order, though. My seed has graced, like, six noblewomen. I should start a tally or something, see if anyone can beat my record.

"Very. Let's just say that there is a reason it would not be good if we were found out."

"Is he here?"

"He might be in the pool. Or he might not. I don't keep up with him."

"He's not going to try to eat me, is he?"

"Not while you're wearing all that. He might kill you, strip you, and then eat you."

"I'm gonna go ahead and skip meeting him. I'm allergic to being killed."

"But not to being stripped or eaten?" she asked with a grin.

"Well, that depends entirely upon who's doing the stripping and eating. For some, I have a very localized reaction. For others, not so much."

She quirked an area that would be an eyebrow on a human. "And what's the treatment for such a reaction?"

I grinned. "If we have time, I could always show you…"

When I left, Kumani was merrily counting bits. I had three hundred bits stashed randomly around my body. My crossbow was held at the ready, because I knew now that I was alone I would make a very tempting target for anyone thinking to get revenge.

My first stop was the blacksmith in this quarter. I was hoping the order I had would be quick and easy. When I finally found the blacksmith's shop, I found out that the order was not only quick and easy, but already done. "You mean I can just _have _these?" I asked, holding up the relatively large bronze rings.

The blacksmith looked up from his anvil. "Yes. They were made for… Well, that memory's painful. Needless to say, I want them out of my shop. I'd like to never see or think about them again."

I took a look at the rings again. If I had to guess, I would say they were wedding rings of some kind. Guess some poor bastard got stood up. I shrugged. "Thanks, then."

He just looked away. As I walked out, I silently left a handful of bits on a counter. It should have more than covered the cost.

I whistled a sad tune as I walked toward my next destination: A lens crafter. I was hoping they would have what I needed. I was looking to make sunglasses, of a sort; something to block out the blinding light from a flash-bang grenade. If possible, I was also hoping to get exchangeable lenses, so I could put regular glass in if I just needed goggles.

I was heading to the pony quarter first. The fabric shop/clothier was also there, and I was hoping I could get what I needed in one general area.

I managed to get into the pony area when I noticed that the street seemed to be getting emptier than I was comfortable with. I took a look around and noticed a few stares from alleyways. I shrugged and leapt into the air, soaring away from what was probably an ambush.

I landed in a nearby street and asked the first citizen I saw about the lens place. Thankfully, she was able to point me in the right direction. Even better, that direction was away from where I thought I was about to get attacked. When I found the shop and explained what I wanted—and showed her my bits—she quickly got to work. Apparently, lenses aren't in big demand during events like this, and she was happy enough to help. She even helped me fit them into my frames, along with providing me a decent way to replace them with lighter glass if I needed to.

Nice lady. Shame it cost me way too many bits. Then again, it's not like bits were of any concern to me.

She happily pointed me towards the fabric shop and off I went. I was making good progress when suddenly Pinkie!

"Sowhenarewegoingonthedate?" she said way too fast to comprehend, popping out of a flower pot.

When I got done jumping back and almost shooting her with a crossbow, I sighed and moved back to a regular position. I noticed that there was still dirt and a flower on her head. I pulled it off the top of her head and put it behind her ear. "I'm currently busy and thus not free. I suppose if you thought about it, this entire trip could be like a somewhat interactive date, given that I invited you here as my 'date' on the trip."

"Nope, you aren't cheating on this one! I guess I'll just follow you until you aren't busy anymore." She shook her head to dislodge all the dirt. The flower somehow didn't go anywhere.

"How about this instead: You go back to our rooms, look through the invitations we have, and pick the one that interests you most. When I finish what I'm doing, I'll meet you there and as long as it's within reason we'll do it. Does that sound fun?"

"Hm… How about I stay with you instead, and when you finish we can go back and do that?"

I didn't really like the sound of that for a few reasons. First, my suggestion would be faster; she could return to our rooms while I get what I need done. Then I could fly back quickly and we could go off. Second, her staying with me was more dangerous; if we got into a trap, I could fly away while she couldn't.

But Pinkie is immune to logic. Or maybe it's women that are immune to it. "Sure. No promise it'll be fun, though."

"Interesting things always happen around you. And you usually respond to them in just the right way to make them even more interesting!"

"I'd prefer boring things, personally. Anyway, I assume from your question that you got Shiny to not spill the beans."

"Yep. I had to threaten to turn him into Shining Aegis forever, though."

I didn't want to know. "As long as it's done and Kumani and I are safe, it's okay. Although you know I gotta ask, why do you even want to date me, Pinkie? I've been nothing but a jerk for the past while. I've hurt you, I've hurt your friends, and I really didn't feel bad while doing any of it. Why would you want that for yourself?"

She actually got a serious look on her face for once. "We can talk about that when we get back to the apartment," she said. Then the serious face disappeared. "Oooh, candy!" We were passing a booth that had treats set up. I don't know why she took note of this one, since we passed a few already.

Either way, she pounced upon it with gusto. Half the table was cleaned off by the time she was done, and she walked back up to me with a few cupcakes sitting on her head. "Try one! They're really good!"

"Pass. First, they can't be as good as yours. Second, I'm not going to be hungry much this trip, and I'm saving what hunger I will feel for meat. I'll probably check out the griffon area sometime soon."

"So what did you do that was worth thirty thousand bits?"

"Have you ever heard of a fellow called the dog father?"

"Hmmm… Nope!"

"He's a big crime boss. He runs pirate clans, drug pens, slave rings, and several other illegal things. He sent me a message saying he had kidnapped Taya. He does not know what Celestia can do when it comes to dragon messaging. Long story short, the Taya he had was a changeling. I got hired by the dogs to capture him and did so. Kumani and Shining Armor helped. All in all, it took us about three hours. Now there are bands of crooks roaming the streets looking for me, trying to get revenge. It'll be fun."

"Sure sounds like it! Ooh, do you think those are some of them?" she asked, pointing to a mismatched group of figures wielding a bunch of nasty looking weapons. They were coming right at me, murder in their eyes.

"Pinkie, run. Don't stop until you get to somewhere I would consider safe."

She grinned what was possibly one of the scariest grins I've ever seen and pulled a frying pan out of somewhere. I sighed and raised my crossbow, quickly slipping my ring off. "Your safety is not my problem," I said. "You get hit, you get hit."

First target: Dog with a nasty looking whip. Shot him right between the eyes and he fell, tripping the pony behind him. I dropped the crossbow and pulled a knife off the belt I was now very happy that I left outside of my shirt. It went into the chest of a pony. They were straight up charging, now.

"This would be a good time to point out that I don't know how to fight," I calmly said. Normally I'd be running away by now. But with Pinkie standing her ground…

She—no, _he_—grinned and hit me with the pink stone. "Then you get to follow my lead!"

_There are much better times for this!_ I took another knife out and buried it in the chest of a dog. He clutched at it but quickly recovered. I had time to draw my sword before the other six were upon us.

Pinkie grabbed my free hand and whirled me around. I somehow kept the sword close in, making sure not to cut either of us. When he jerked me to a stop, my sword arm shot out and stabbed one of the fuckers in the face. I looked over at him to see that Pinkie bashed someone upside the head with his frying pan with his outstretched leg.

Just as one of the group went to hit me, I was being pulled somewhere else. The heavy mace went whizzing past me, just barely stopping from hitting the ground. Pinkie caught me and lifted me into the air and spun me, making me kick someone. When he stopped the spinning, he set me down and brought me in close. I jerked the sword out of the way to avoid hitting him and ended up slamming it into someone's stomach. I saw Pinkie's frying pan was in someone else's face, sending teeth and blood flying into the air.

I noticed that the flower I put behind female Pinkie's ear was now behind mine, somehow.

With a quick lick on my nose—because why not?—Pinkie pushed us apart, making us both just narrowly miss a scimitar coming between us. Pinkie's push gave my arms a lift, making my sword contact the scimitar, which somehow broke when it hit mine.

The fellow held the broken sword up to his face in confusion. That made it pretty easy to run him through.

I turned to find that Pinkie had finished the last guy off himself.

_Flo, what just happened?_

"I… I have no idea. Don't make Pinkie angry. And now's your chance to make an impression on the rest of the brigands." I looked around.

The pony that I had tripped with the dog was just lying on the ground, watching us in a form of fascinated horror.

I grinned and began walking toward him. I lifted the sword to my mouth and ran my tongue down the blade, licking some blood off and looking dead at the eyes of the pony. A yellow puddle began to form under him and he tried backing away.

When I was close enough, I slung some of the excess blood onto his face and he flinched back. I held the sword up and knelt down to his level. "I want you to deliver a message," I told him. "You see these motherfuckers?" I asked, nodding at the dog body that he was just ahead of. He didn't move. I grabbed him by the throat and held my sword up to his face. "LOOK AROUND, HORSE!"

His face jerked around the road before his eyes squeezed shut. "Tell the rest of your friends what happens to those that try to come after me. Now, unless you feel like either going to jail or joining your friends in the afterlife…" I let him go. "I suggest you _get_."

He was gone so fast that he left a dust cloud. I walked up to the dog, rolled him over, and pulled my bolt out. I cleaned it on his vest, grabbed his purse, and stood. I went to get my knife from the pony. Those done, I walked over to the group of bodies.

"This city needs better guards," I commented as Pinkie passed me my crossbow. I noticed that she was back to being female. I grabbed the knife in the chest of the other dog and sheathed it. "Sun or moon, Pinkie?"

"Sun." I pulled a bit out and flipped it. It was moon.

I unsheathed my knife and slit the throats of those that Pinkie knocked out. I cleaned my knife on the coat of the last one before putting my knife back up and turning to face her. I pulled the flower from my ear and dropped it on the body of the last one. "Shall we continue, then?"

I heard Shining Armor yell, "STAND DOWN!"

I looked towards his voice to find him standing at the head of a large group of pony guards. "Where the fuck were you ten minutes ago?" I called.

"PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, NAV! I SAW WHAT YOU DID!" he yelled back.

I rolled my eyes. "Pinkie, look behind us."

She did. I reached into a pocket. "Shiny, catch!" I pulled the makeshift pin and lobbed the flash bang grenade at him.

He actually did catch it with magic, and brought it very close in before I turned away and it exploded. "RUN!" Pinkie fucking vanished. I leapt into the air, flying toward what I was hoping would be Celestia's current hangout. Given that she usually likes standing outside, it wasn't that hard to find her. Somehow, Pinkie had beaten me there.

I landed next to them. "Sup, Sunny?"

She looked at me. "Nav, you have a little something… Oh, here, let me get it." Celestia levitated a napkin or something over and wiped some blood off my face. "Now, what's this about you assaulting a group of my guards?"

I shrugged. "Eh, you know how it is. Shiny saw me slitting some throats and figured those prisoners would have been better off in a changeling hive. You know that dog father guy? Well, it turns out he had an entire criminal organization behind him. So these guys have been following me around all day, trying to catch me in an ambush. Well, they got bored of trying so they straight up attacked us. They were quickly dealt with. Some weren't quite as dead as usual, though, so I flipped a coin. Sun for jail, moon for death. Moon won. The only survivor was a messenger, hopefully sent to relay the message that it's not worth fucking with me. Oh yeah, I didn't assault them. I just temporarily blinded them. I suspect Shiny will be here soon, whining about me."

Speaking of which… I slid my ring on.

"Navarone, you do realize what you did is pretty much illegal, right?" Celestia asked.

"You call it murder. I call it mercy. I know what their fate was, Celestia. And so do you. Which would you prefer: A quick death, or being used as food by changelings?"

"Nav, I'm not saying that what you did was wrong. I'm saying that it was illegal. And I can't let you get away with it. Leave Shining Armor to me. He won't like it, but you are more useful out of prison than you are in prison. But don't think that doesn't mean you'll just get away with this. You _will _do a task for me when we return to Canterlot. A task you will not like. Just remember that you brought this one on yourself."

"Can I be there when you deal with Shiny, then?"

"No. You and your date can go back to doing whatever it is you were doing. If any guards stop you, show them this." Her horn lit up and a seal appeared. I took it and found that one side had a sun while the other side had an image of Celestia. It was essentially a large pre-Luna's return bit. "Now go. You have already disrupted a very important party. Even if it is really boring." That last part was muttered so that only we could hear.

"You got it, Celestia. Come along, Pinkie."

"Nice seeing you, Princess!"

With that, we left Celestia to wallow in boredom. We also left several conversations forming behind us, probably about us.

When we got a few blocks away, I pulled us to a bench and said, "Pinkie, what you just did will probably catch up to you eventually. I know you, but even you don't go through something like that unscathed. If you ever need to talk about it, remember that I've been through it too." And much worse besides.

"That's why," she quietly answered. "You're not bad or mean, Nav. You're just a poor pony that got put into a bad situation. No pony blames you for being the way you are because we all understand why. Nav, I don't need a shoulder to cry on. You do. You and Celestia aren't friends, Nav. She uses you and she's going to keep using you until she's used you up. You know she doesn't care about your problems or what you're going through, as long as you stay an effective tool. Luna probably did, but…"

"Luna burned that bridge, Pinkie. And I don't want pity. Someone to talk to would be nice, but it's for the best that I keep it inside." To just me and Flo, I suppose. "I know you, of any of them, would be most likely to understand, but I'm not going to burden anyone. And don't you dare say it wouldn't be a burden, because I know that for a lie. Now, let's get going."

I tried to stand, but she pulled me right back down. "Nav, you would be the perfect friend but for one little thing. You know how to give and give and give… but you don't know how to take. You'll help anypony with anything they ever need, but as soon as you get hurt or you get in trouble, you refuse to ever go to us for help. And you know I'm not talking about for clothes or cooking. You know what I mean. You know me, Nav. You know how I feel about my friends. I tried doing what you're doing once. The pain just builds and builds… You have to let it out!"

"I know, Pinkie," I answered. I think she could hear the resigned tone in my voice. "God help me, I know. But I can't. I've only done it once in my entire life, with Celestia. She was threatening me and I had no other choice. And it was probably the hardest thing I've done. Where I'm from, I was raised to never show weakness. From birth, I was raised that way. I grew to despise the idea of me showing it, and strove never to have to. And," I said as I stood, "it's killing me inside. We can talk more when we're in private. But I don't want to get caught by the guards, if they're still looking for us. Now come, I want to get these goggles finished."

"Pinkie promise we'll talk about it later?" she asked, not moving.

"Sure, why not. Now let's go."

"Do the ritual!"

"No. My word is enough. You know that. Now come on."

She sighed and stood. "You're lucky I trust you."

We started off toward… Wait. "Pinkie, I'm lost. Can you lead the way to the clothing shop or whatever it is we're looking for?"

She took the lead. I wanted to ask her how she already knew this place so well, but I knew that wouldn't end well. She'd probably spout off some strange song or something. I noticed something I really didn't want to when she started bouncing off down the road, and I quickly began taking in the sights.

Flankfurt was a nice city, even if I had been ambushed twice already. It looked exactly like I pictured a German town would look like shortly before World War Two.

"You know, Nav, now that you're a girl you could get a dress. I bet you'd look so pretty!" Pinkie said. I looked at her and saw that she was now jumping backwards, looking at me as she spoke.

"Yeah, no, that's not gonna happen. Just because I am physically a chick doesn't mean everyone thinks I'm one. Most people that know of me know that I'm a guy. So if they see me in a dress, they're going to assume I'm some kind of cross-dresser or something. I don't want that kind of image. It's bad enough that the bloody purifier fellow heard my voice like this. God only knows what he thinks about it."

"Who's God?" she asked.

"I might tell you later."

"You _always _say that!"

"And it's always true. I might tell you later. But I just as easily might not. And since later encompasses any time past what we're in right now, I could tell you at any point in the future. So just because I haven't told you yet doesn't mean I won't."

"But… you aren't going to."

"Yeah, I know. What about it?"

"Why say that you might do something if you know you won't?"

"Because I'm a bad person."

Before I could react or even tell what she was doing, I found myself on the ground. It hurt a lot more than it would as a guy, what with my fucking breasts in the way. Pinkie just giggled as she picked me up and somehow managed to get me across her back. "Onward!" she said, continuing to bounce.

My eyes shot open as soon as she hit the ground. That shit _hurt_! I opened my wing and on the apex of her next jump I hovered off her. I dropped to the ground with a sigh and wished I could rub my private areas in public to try to get them to stop hurting.

Pinkie quickly noticed that I no longer graced her back. She looked around, trying to find me. I don't know why it took her so long to notice that I was standing behind her. "Why'd you get off?" she asked.

"Because your jumping hurts me like hell. I think I prefer to walk. Or fly, if you were a pegasus."

"But walking is so boring! Why don't you try skipping, like me?"

"I'm not a fan of skipping. It never ends well for me. And now that I'm a chick, I imagine that it would end even worse than usually." I began walking again, and didn't take long to pass her immobile form. "Coming, Pinkie?"

"You're no fun sometimes," she answered as she matched my pace with her skipping.

"I know. I can't be a bundle of joy all the time. Sometimes I just have to make sacrifices."

"You really should stop lying, Nav. Ooh! You need a girl name!"

"No I don't. Navarone is androgynous."

"Hm… You look like a Katie!"

"How do you even know human names?"

"How about Femanon?"

"That isn't even a fucking name. Navarone and Nav are the names I will answer to."

She gasped really loud. "I know, I can call you Pinkie!"

"That's your name."

"I know, that's how I know it's such a great name! You can be human Pinkie and I can be pony Pinkie!"

"Let's not do that. In fact, let's pretend you never even brought that up."

"If you get a female name… I should have a male name!"

"Bubble Berry. Now can we drop this?"

"Ooh, that's a good one. What about the rest of my friends, Pinkie?"

I didn't answer. I wasn't going to fall for her tricks.

We were passing a party area when Flo whispered, "Nav, stop." I stopped and looked around. Pinkie continued skipping a few feet before stopping as well. "There, the piano." I looked into the party area and saw the piano sitting there, unused.

_What about it?_

Pinkie spoke up, "What's wrong?"

Flo whispered, "Go to it. I want to try something."

I started walking toward the piano, stepping around ponies and other races that were mingling in the area. Pinkie was following me. I idly noticed that she wasn't skipping anymore.

"Nav…" Pinkie said as I sat down at the piano. "What are you doing?"

"Navarone, put your hands on the keys and close your eyes. Relax." I did what she said as she said it. "This might feel… odd. Please don't try to fight it."

I felt something course down into my hands, moving my fingers and lifting my arms to play an old tune. It seemed hauntingly familiar, but I couldn't tell what it was. It was a sad, sad song.

After half a minute of playing, I felt my mouth open and a voice not my own crept out, singing in a language that sounded like a mix between French and Latin. I have no idea what it was saying, but from what I could hear of it, it was beautiful and depressing.

Nearly four minutes into the song, my eyes opened automatically and I saw Pinkie looking at me from the other side of the piano. When I saw her she jerked back in surprise, a hoof rising to her mouth. The song ended shortly after, petering off into a very marked silence.

I blinked several times, freed from Flo's control. _What the fuck was that?_

She didn't answer. Hell, after controlling me from so far—which I thought she said she couldn't do—she was probably too tired to do much. When I stood up and turned from the piano, I saw that everyone was staring at me. Normally I would have told a bad joke, but I couldn't think of one.

So lacking that option, I instead decided to walk away. I heard a few people crying in the audience as I quickly exited into the nearest side street and walked away at a speed that many would consider jogging.

Pinkie didn't take long in finding me. She didn't comment on the performance at all.

"Shall we get back to finding the shop?" I asked after a few minutes of mindless walking.

"Yep!"

She took the lead again and once again we set off to find the shop. I was hoping that would be the last damn distraction; the sun was getting close to setting and I wouldn't be surprised if the place was going to close soon.

Thankfully, we did make it before the place shut down. "Fucking _finally_," I said as we got to the entrance. The inside of the shop reminded me of Rarity's place; a bell even rang when we stepped inside.

"Coming," a male voice called out. _If he's not gay I'm not certain I trust him making anything for me_. "What can I help—YOU!" he shouted, looking at me.

I looked behind me to make sure he was shouting at me. "Me?" I asked, turning back to face the pony that was now in my face. I jerked back a bit.

"Yes, you! I saw your form earlier, fighting those ruffians! Such beauty, such grace! And all hidden in those… ugh! I offer you the chance of a lifetime! Let me make you something perfect for you, clothes that would perfectly fit your lovely frame!"

"Yeah, no. Long story short, I'm a guy. Short story long, I have magic gender changing stones that my pink friend here is currently in charge of. So my gender is fluctuating a bit right now. Meaning when I leave this place it'll probably be as a guy. So no, I don't need whatever you're offering to make me."

He blinked and pulled back. "What?"

I reached into my pockets and pulled out the goggle frames. "I need to connect these two so I can have a good pair of goggles. I also need something around the insides so they won't hurt against my face. Think you can do that?"

He looked to Pinkie, who lifted a hoof to her head and did the little universally accepted motion for crazy: a little circle next to one of her ears and a funny face.

The guy turned back to me with a smile. "I see, you jest! Come, let me measure you!"

I looked at Pinkie to see that she was nodding, still smiling. I sighed. "I've done worse. I swear to God if you have anything pink in there I'll add you to the list of things I've killed today."

"Worry not! I know a warrior such as yourself would not wear such a color. Now come, come!" He led me and Pinkie to a back room that looked eerily similar to Rarity's creative room.

I suppose I should describe the guy, since it would make a bit more sense when I start mentioning how he used his magic to float stuff. He was a short, dark blue unicorn with orange eyes and white hair. Seems like an odd combination, but the person in charge of deciding that stuff never consults with me first. I couldn't tell if he was gay or not.

"Now, I need you to remove your clothes," he said. I shrugged and started removing stuff. With all the belts, it took me a minute or two. The only thing I left on was the ring.

Pinkie was in my face as soon as I removed my shirt. "What are _these_?" she asked, standing on her hind legs and putting her front hooves on my breasts.

"_Sensitive!_" I answered, pulling back and covering them with an arm. "Lie on your back." She hopped over on her back, looking up at me. I poked one of her nipples. "These are those. Or those are these. Either way, female humans have them in a different place and they're usually much larger." I stood back up and looked at the guy. "Can we get on with this?"

"Of course!" A few measuring tapes began to float over and he measured my body. "Hm… What about this ring? Would you mind taking it off?"

"Yes, I would. Whatever you're making will have to accommodate it."

"I think I can manage that." All the measuring things pulled away. "You may cloth yourself." I did so, setting all of my weapons up for my annoyingly female body. "Now, about those goggles you needed…"

I pulled the frames out yet again. "Yes, I need these to go around my eyes without letting any light in, and I need them to stay around my head for as long as I need them. They'll be going through heat, water, and high stress from flying. Think you can do that?"

"Of course! I can even make them look wonderful!"

"Don't. I want them to look unassuming and unoriginal, just a standard part of any flier's kit."

He pulled them away from me and looked them over. "Why is the glass dark?"

"To help block out light. When can I come by to pick all of this up?"

"Two days." He listed off a price. "Does that seem fair?"

"Doesn't matter if it is or isn't. I have the bits to cover it. I'll be back in two days. Come along, Pinkie. Let us leave the artist to his work." It was at that point that I realized I didn't catch his name. I also didn't care. He merrily bowed as we left his shop.

And ran right into a group of royal guards. "Aw, shit."

A familiar looking night guard stepped forward. "Navarone, we've been ordered to bring you to Princess Celestia."

"Smiles?"

He grinned. "Yep. Don't worry, Nav. You aren't in trouble. She just wants to talk to you about Shiny." He looked at Pinkie. "You can come if you desire. The princess said you weren't required, but were allowed."

"Wherever Nav goes, I go! At least until I get that date I was promised…"

I shrugged. "Lead the way, Smiles." He did just that, the guard contingent forming up around us. "So what's with the numbers?"

"Luna somehow found out about the attempts on your life. She was not very happy with her sister letting you roam the city alone."

"While I do appreciate the guards, it's a bit too late for that. Pretty sure I dealt with the brigands already. You're cool, but I don't think I need the rest of them."

"You'll have to take that up with Princess Celestia," he answered. I just sighed and we continued in silence for a bit. "I have to ask, though… What's wrong with your voice?"

"Long story, most of which is unimportant. I'm temporarily a girl and I swear to God if you laugh I'll hurt you."

"You always seem to lead such an interesting life… ma'am"

I punched his wing, since that was the only part of his body I could get to that wasn't covered in armor. "Just remember that you owe me. I helped you win that bet, if I recall."

He blinked before grinning. "The bet was about a fight, not a breakup. But… yeah, you did. Wasn't worth it, though." His smile disappeared. "The princess was inconsolable for a few days. She put on a brave face for you and her sister, but as one of the only guards she had that knew you, I was very frequently summoned to her presence and then sent away without a word. If you don't mind me asking… what happened?"

"It involved blood and pain and fetishes I have nightmares about." Well, I would without Flo. "Essentially, she showed me what she thought about me, and that wasn't something I wanted any part of. If she can show me later that she changed, I might give her another chance." _Might_. "I trust she's better now?"

He nodded. "Yeah, though I think she's still sad about it. That week she declared you a harlot and fiddled with the dream machine to make everypony dream about you was… ugh." He eyed my hands. "Though I have to say, you can certainly do some… _interesting _things."

"Are you saying that she did that on purpose?"

He looked away. "Yes. We weren't supposed to tell anypony." He looked back at me. "But then, you're not a pony, are you?"

"Damn right I'm not." I stretched my hands, looking him up and down. "You want to make Luna really jealous?"

His eyes widened when he realized what I meant, and he blushed and stammered. He finally managed, "N-no! I value my life and job more than a night of fun. Besides, I thought you weren't… into stallions."

"I'm currently a girl, remember? Besides, what's one night if it's for a good cause?"

"Making your princess upset is a _good _cause? I'd hate to see the land where you come from."

"Man, we don't even fucking _have _princesses. Or princes. Or royalty of any kind. Doesn't matter. Did Celestia say what she wanted? Or is she just going to find another way to waste my time?"

"You shouldn't be so quick to say the princess is wasting your time, Nav," he answered. "You might be a friend to many of the guards, but if they hear you talking like that bad things might happen."

"Less threats, more answering of the question."

"She didn't. Just that it involved Shining Armor and that we were to find you."

"I'm getting real sick of that prick. Did you know that he got pissed at me for slitting the throats of unconscious brigands today?"

"Probably because that's murder," he answered with a shrug. "But given where they were going to end up if they were left alive… It seems a mercy, to me. I would have turned my eyes away and let you do it. Though maybe that's why Midnight is in charge and not me."

Why don't I know that name? "Midnight? I don't remember ever meeting him. He's the captain of the night guard?"

"Yes, she is. The reason you haven't met her is because she sticks to the city, actually working in Canterlot instead of doing whatever it is Shiny pretends to do. That fool may be the face of the guard, but Midnight Blossom is the backbone and the brains. She has been itching to meet you, but both of your schedules are erratic. You'll definitely get to know her during the war games coming up, though. Just… be careful about flirting with her. I know how you are."

I shrugged. "I'm attracted to danger. But fine, I'll be careful." Doesn't mean I won't try, of course.

It was then that I noticed a lack of pink. I looked around and saw Pinkie attempting to chat up some of the guards around us. She was having limited success with the night guards, but no luck at all with the day guards.

"So where is Celestia, anyway?" I asked.

"In her living quarters. She generally retires as the night comes."

We continued in silence until another question occurred. "So why you?" I asked. "Surely you have some manner of life in Canterlot. Why are you here?"

"Princess Luna sent me. She knew you wouldn't take kindly to having guards, and hoped having me would soften the blow. I know how you operate, and accepted on the condition that this week I get paid double." He shrugged. "A week of light duty and double pay seems fun to me."

"I'm sure you'll find something to do. No offense, bro, but I don't want a fucking babysitter."

"You won't hear any complaints from me. Just means less work, and maybe I can actually enjoy this party."

"It's good to know my well-being is so important to you."

"Well, you're going to be awake all the time and I'm going to be suffering from teleport lag, so I can easily follow you around for a while if you really want."

Teleport lag, for those that don't know, is like jet lag but worse. Pinkie was probably also suffering through it, but Pinkie is Pinkie.

"Nah, calm your nips; I'm just fucking with you. How far is it to Sunbutt's abode?"

"We should be coming up on it soon. Also, would it kill you to show a little more respect?"

"Yes." He just shook his head.

Pinkie popped up right next to me. "Are we there yet?"

"Are we still walking?" I asked.

She looked down to make sure. "Yep. So are we there yet?"

"No," I answered.

"Actually," Smiles corrected, "we are."

"No, we're at the building. We aren't at our destination, unless Celestia's coming out here to talk to us."

They both rolled their eyes. "Just always gotta be right," Smiles said.

"I know!" Pinkie agreed. "But she's cute, so I put up with it anyway."

Smiles giggled at that until I punched him again. "What did I do? She's the one that said it!"

"I'm not supposed to hit gi—wait, I am one now!" I spun around and punched at Pinkie, only to find she was no longer standing there. She was pounding on the door to Celestia's building. We joined her there. The rest of the guard detachment took up positions outside as we were beckoned in. Smiles followed me and Pinkie.

The servant fellow led us to a sitting room that thankfully didn't look anything like the one I was going to destroy back in Canterlot. Celestia was already there with tea. "Hello again, you three," she said. "Come, sit." Pinkie bounced up to a couch relatively close to the princess. I sat on one across from Celestia. Smiles stood between me and Pinkie. "Navarone, do you _try _to make my life hard?"

"Depends. Did you _try _to ruin mine?"

"This is the third time I have had to remove memories from Shining Armor's mind because of you. He was calling for you to be banished to Tartarus, you know. As a prince, it was well within his rights to demand it, and to see that demand done."

"And yet here I sit. You are not as pure and good as you try to make your ponies think you are, Celestia. I am what I am because of you, and don't even try to pretend otherwise. It is only fair that you take responsibility for the actions of your slave."

"Slave… I offered you friendship, Navarone. Why do you deny me that?"

"Because your offer came tainted with things you had no right to demand. But I don't think this is a discussion you want to have in front of those that still believe you worthy of the love you hold. And you didn't call me here to tell me that you wiped Shiny's mind."

"Do you want guards?" she asked.

"No. I believe it is too late for them; the brigands have likely been taken care of and I'll not be seen as weak by needing guards."

"After your performance today, I am hesitant to leave you unguided, if not unguarded. I understand why you did what you did—or at least what you gave as your reasoning—but it is still against the law. And I can't always protect you. Speaking of which, I need my seal back." I fished it out of a pocket and dropped it on the table. "Now, I need to know: Are you planning on behaving for the rest of this party?"

"I almost never plan to misbehave. Sometimes it just happens that misbehaving is the best option. So yes, I do plan on being good, but no promises."

"I should have expected nothing else." Her horn lit up and an envelope appeared. She flew it over to me. I stuck it in a pocket. "Navarone, usually when I give you letters, they are for you."

"And I was always raised thinking it was impolite to open and read a private letter in front of others."

"Open it." I rolled my eyes and did so. I quickly read through it. It was an invitation to some ball or something, a themed event to be held in a few days. "I want you there," she said when I looked up.

"Why?" I asked, folding the invite up and passing it to Pinkie.

"Members of every race present will be there. That means changelings and dogs. I want this ball to go well, which means the changelings and dogs will have to be either kept apart or forced into peace. You have a very high reputation with every race, or at least every race's elite. I want to use that reputation to either make a peace of sorts between the changelings and the dogs or to at the very least keep them from coming to blows."

"Do I have to go?"

"No. But your… date looks interested." Pinkie did, actually. She was staring at me with puppy dog eyes, tears just ready to begin falling if I said no.

I turned back to Celestia. "No promises. Is there anything else you needed?"

"Why are you a female?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I pissed off Pyrite. He couldn't punish me in the manner he wanted to. He gave my punishment to Pinkie. She had taken my stones. My punishment is that she gets to use them on me randomly during the week."

"Pyrite always did like eccentric punishments…" Celestia commented. "Be male for the ball, if you attend. And Pinkie, do not lose those stones."

"No problemo! I keep them where I keep everything." We all wisely decided not to ask.

"Then you two may leave. Night guard, I have words for you."

When Pinkie and I got outside, I said, "Did you notice how she didn't even offer us tea?" The guards moved to follow us as we walked away. "Guys, cool it. Wait for Smiles; he'll tell you whatever you're supposed to do." They shrugged and returned to their positions.

"Would you have accepted if she did offer it?"

"No, but it still would have been polite of her. I suppose that's what I get for having high expectations. Now come on, let's put you to bed."

Her gaze on me went half-lidded. "Are you going to join me?" she asked in a sultry tone.

"No. I'm sure we can find someone to keep you company, though."

She sighed and went back to skipping. Thankfully, it didn't take us too long to get to our apartment. I noticed that we had a flood of new letters.

I sighed and walked over to the table and began sorting through them. Some were for Pinkie, but considerably more were for me. "They should color code these envelopes," I commented as I began opening them. "I have no idea which race sent what."

Pinkie joined me on the couch soon after I began reading through the first one. She plopped down across my lap and reached for her own pile.

She made it through her pile a lot quicker than I got through mine. When I finally reached the last bloody letter, I saw she was reading through some of those I threw aside. "Well," I said, "anything you want to go to?"

"The princess's ball."

"Then that's your date. Most of the rest of these damn events look boring as hell. I apologize in advance for this, though; there's a chance I'll have to divide my attention during that ball thing. Now, you need to go to bed."

"Aww, do I have to?"

"No, but I'm going for a flight when I leave so you'd be on your own." I poked her in the side. "Either way, you need to get off my lap."

She got off my lap, only to move so that she was sitting down in front of me, her body between my legs. "Can we at least have some fun before you go?"

"No." I tried to stand up but her forelegs gently pushed me back down.

"Please?"

"No. Now let me go."

One of her hooves began moving to a place I wasn't comfortable with. "Pretty please with su—urp!" She cut off when I grabbed the top of her mane and ripped her head up, putting a knife right next to her throat.

"No. Means. No. Move your hooves away from me." She did so immediately. "I'm not a pony anymore, Pinkie. You can't take advantage of me like that, not now." I pulled the knife away, let her go, and stood. "I might see you sometime tomorrow. Have a good night."

The only answer she gave was throwing the blue stone at me as I left and locked the door. I hummed a song I recognized as the one Flo played earlier as I flew away.

This party thing was off to an interesting start.


	60. Chapter Fifty-Eight

Chapter Fifty-Eight—Life as a human in pony land is always busy

I found Kat and Jocasta sitting at a café around the time the sun was coming up. After a moment's hesitation, I joined them. "The dog boss didn't try to kill me," I commented as I sat. I noticed Kat was sitting on a cushion. She flinched when she saw me.

Jocasta said, "She did not mention _which _dog would kill you. From the sounds of things, the dog father is making things hard on you, and your princess doesn't seem to be giving you any support. If you wish, we can protect you."

"No, the princess tried giving me guards. I turned them down. Besides, if I really needed help I'd rather go to my dragon friends. Just one gave Kat here a run for her money."

"Oh?" Jocasta said with a smile, turning to Kat. "Is that why she's been sitting stiffly and walking funny for so long?"

"Yep. The dragon held her and I gave her a spanking. I think she enjoyed it."

Kat opened her mouth but very wisely decided to not say anything.

A waiter came up before Jocasta could reply. "What can I get you three?" he asked.

I looked up hopefully. "Don't reckon you have coffee?" I asked.

"…What's coffee?"

I sighed. "Milk. From a cow, preferably. Tea, if any is ready."

"We have—"

"Surprise me."

He shrugged and turned to the other two. They both asked for some weird tea.

He turned to go. "Hey bro, just give me whatever they're having. Save yourself some trouble and bring a full pot." He nodded.

Jocasta asked, "What's coffee? And milk? And," she said while looking at Kat, "what is a spanking?"

"I know you know what milk is. It's the stuff that comes out of breasts or udders, often fed to babies or ca—Hmm." That was an interesting idea. Cats on earth liked milk. What about cat people here? "Coffee is a human drink. A spanking is good fun, as long as I'm the one giving it. If you're interested, I can show you later. Or I could have Kat help me demonstrate."

I actually got Kat to blush. I don't think she had been on the receiving end of abuse like that in a while. Or maybe she was just terrified of antagonizing me in case I sold her out to the dragons.

"If it is something you did with her, I don't think I am interested."

"Shame. You strong willed ones are always fun." I leaned back in my seat. "So what's going on in Egypt? Any more revolutions in sight?"

"After we tracked the rich slaver with your assassin and executed them both, things have gotten frighteningly quiet. Miguel is constantly on edge, stabbing several shadows. If he wasn't a war hero, he would be executed as a threat. Most of the citizens are content. Your ambassador is still doing her job." Jocasta shrugged. "It's a lot more fun leading a revolution than it is helping manage the country afterwards."

"I'd rather do neither," I answered. "I wish I could find me a nice female of some race and settle down away from it all. But the work never ends for us heroes, does it?"

The waiter came to our table with the tea and milk. He left a few cups and left. I grabbed the teapot and poured everyone a cup and set it back down.

"It's hard to imagine that the ponies consider you a hero," Jocasta commented as she held her cup up and sipped at it. "I honestly believed they would condemn you for what you did."

"They don't know the full story. And I've done quite a bit since then. Hell, I'm a knight now, if you can believe it. Fucking Bitchlestia won't let me stop." I tried the tea. It was strong, but drinkable. It was also really fucking hot. I tried the milk to cool my mouth off. "Yup, that's milk." I passed the cup to Jocasta. "Try it."

She shrugged and lifted it to her mouth. Her eyes lit up "My _my_. That's a wonderful taste." She passed it to Kat. "You need to try it." Kat sighed and did so. Her eyes lit up as well, but she didn't say anything. "Quiet today, hmm? What's the matter, human got your tongue?"

Kat opened her mouth to say something, but her eyes focused somewhere between Jocasta and I and her pupils went to pinpricks. "Ihavetogo." She stood up and sprinted from the table.

"Has she been acting like this back in Egypt?" I asked, grabbing my cup again.

Jocasta frowned. "No. Something is wrong."

Before I could ask what, Pinkie joined our table. "What was _that _about?" she asked, probably meaning Kat.

"Dunno," I answered. "Didn't say a word until she burst out that she had to go."

"Not a word, huh?" Pinkie asked, sipping at Kat's tea. "Yuck!" She grabbed the sugar thing in the middle and dumped several spoons into a single cup.

While she tried to turn her tea into molasses, I asked, "Why do you think she might be acting like that?"

"It takes a lot to scare Kat," Jocasta mentioned. "You said one of your dragon friends roughed her up. Maybe she's afraid if she pushes your buttons wrong it'll happen again."

I smiled. "The only way I'd let her push my buttons now is the right way. If she tries to do what she did to me during the March, I will kill her and eat her. I would break my code of not eating sentient animals just for her. But… there's a reason we fucked the last time I was there. She's good in bed. As long as she can play nice, I'm fine." I noticed that Pinkie's stirring gained a new intensity while I was saying that.

"Oh, is someone jealous?" Jocasta said with a giggle. "Might want to be careful, Nav. Your date here is looking a bit green."

"She'll get over it. She isn't as clean as she pretends."

"If you like rough," Pinkie said coldly, "I can do rough."

"I don't. I housebroke that kitty; she was tame. My last lover made that mistake. You know how that turned out."

"Oh?" Jocasta said. "I sense a story."

"A story not for your ears," I answered. "The short version is that my last lover had a blood fetish that I did not share. I left her."

"I would have as well," she said with a nod. She turned to Pinkie. "Well, he seems to be happy to ignore your needs. What about it, sweet thing? Want to make some music?" _So _that's _why she ignored my advances._

Pinkie shook her head. "He's mine, he just don't know it yet." I flinched when she said that. "Oh, relax! I'm just joking. You already _do _know it; you're just trying to deny it."

She can pretend all she wants. I'll give her the dates she demanded. I have no desire to have any romantic relationship with a rapist. I figured that would have been clear by now. If it wasn't by the end of the first or second date, I would point that out.

"Anyway Nav, I just wanted to remind you that you owed me a conversation. And that we're going right back to _our _apartment after you finish visiting with your friend and you are going to give it to me."

I shrugged. "Fair." I looked to Jocasta. "I don't suppose you're interested in a threesome?"

"Oh, is that what mares consider conversations? While it would be amusing, I should probably find out what Kat's problem is."

"Leaving so soon? You never even asked me how my life has been."

"That's because, quite frankly, I don't care. You were useful during the March, even if Kat did turn you into her little bitch. Unless you find a way to be useful to me again, I don't see any desire in knowing more about you."

"Hah, I always knew you hated me!" I shrugged. "If you're ever interested in some hot sweaty hate sex, look me up."

"I think I'd prefer Rock. Or Kat herself. You don't know the catch you got with her. But _she _is still useful to me, and thus I care what is wrong with her. So I must bid you both adieu." She drained her tea and stood. "Good luck with your mare problems, Nav. And Pinkie, good luck with your human problems. I suggest holding a friend hostage; it worked well for Kat." With that, she left.

"Those two pussies left me with the bill," I sighed. "Ah we—" Pinkie grabbed my shirt and mushed my face into hers in what she probably considered a kiss. I didn't respond to it, until one of her hooves started reaching to my pants and I pulled away. "Pinkie, stop it." She did, thankfully.

"What's different between me and them, huh?" she demanded. "Why won't you give me _anything _but you'll beg anypony else for everything?"

"That's something else we can discuss when we get back." I dropped a few bits on the table. "I suppose we can start that way now, if you want."

"I most definitely do. Let's go." It's not like Pinkie to be so serious about something. I shrugged and followed her.

I've never seen Pinkie so silent, even when she was sleeping.

I heard Flo finally wake up and say, "You're treading on dangerous ground, Nav. I know what you're planning on saying. You need to be more tactful."

I grit my teeth. On one hand, she was right. I was planning on being very blunt. But on the other hand, I didn't want to keep leading Pinkie on, which I was apparently doing if she hadn't caught the hint yet.

She led me right there with no interruptions. It was odd, in a way; yesterday I was getting caught off track by every little thing. She opened the door, ushered me inside, and closed it behind herself. I sat in an arm chair so she had no way of getting in my lap. She somehow pulled a couch over so she could lounge upon it and stare at me.

"Come, ask me your questions," I said.

"Why can't you let anypony in?"

I smiled, nodding. "Good opening question. Almost every friend I ever had has betrayed me. Why risk telling anyone anything when it will very likely be used against me in the future? I could 'let someone in,' but it wouldn't be worth it."

"You said you forgave me!"

"But I can never forget! You stole my innocence, Pinkie! I will carry what you did to my grave. You and Rarity were the first betrayals among many, but both of you still burn the brightest. You say you can keep a secret, that you're a good friend. Well, when a Pinkie promise is more important to you than not hurting a friend—not _betraying _one—then how can I trust a word you say? Anyone could just trick you into promising and then force you to tell them whatever they want to know. So that's why I won't let anyone in, Pinkie. Ponies are terrible friends and are very untrustworthy. They read my journals without permission, they hurt me, they lie to me, and they tell secrets. You know all those are true, because you are one of those that read my journals."

I heard a balloon deflate as her hair sank back down to flat. She looked like she was about to cry.

I rolled my eyes and continued, "Frankly, I think most of you would make terrible special someponies as well. No, fuck that word. You'd make terrible girlfriends. I've only had one, so I won't completely rule it out, but unless you give me a very good reason to continue after the first date don't expect a second one. _Especially _you, Pinkie. Fuck, you terrify me. The things you do aren't natural and I want nothing to do with them. I understand they're part of who you are, and that's okay for some people, but not for me. Now, do you have any other questions?"

I probably fucked that up. Flo confirmed it with, "Yes, you most definitely did."_ Do I even care anymore? _"This is Pinkie, Nav." _The very same Pinkie that raped me?_ She shut up.

Pinkie whimpered. "I'm… I'm a terrible friend…" With that, she began to cry.

I had a sick desire to stick more needles in, but I withheld. I knew that I had every right to after what she did, but I wasn't going to.

I stood. "I'm going out. Don't be anywhere without a number of ponies. If you need, we can talk more later."

I walked out, Pinkie still crying behind me. She didn't have Rarity to comfort her this time. She could fucking live with what she did. God knows I've had to for this long.

I was chilling with some griffins a few hours later drinking illegal mead and playing poker when I got a tap on my shoulder by a hoof. I turned to find a very irate looking Shining Armor standing behind me. "Navarone, what is that?" He nodded toward the mug in my hand.

I turned to look at the table behind me. All the griffins were gone and most of the chairs were knocked over. The bits from the poker game were also gone. I turned back, drained the mug, and said, "An empty mug. Why?"

He facehooved, shaking his head. "Come on. The princess wants you, and with you always wearing that ring she can never find you."

"So how did you end up being the one to find me?"

"She sent me personally to make sure you came."

"Well, Celestia's going to be a bit pissed. I'm a little drunk. Think we can take a moment to get some food or something so I can let the alcohol soak up?"

"Nav… why are you doing this to yourself?"

"Because fuck you, that's why." I wasn't _that _drunk, but my steps weren't even and I was slurring a bit. "Actually… Flo?" It took me a minute to realize I said that out loud.

"What? What does that mean?" Shining Armor asked.

Flo sighed. "Yes, I can try to sober you up. Give me a minute to eliminate the toxins."

Now _that _is fucking awesome.

"Just a buzzword, Shiny. I'm good, let's go. What did she need?"

"She didn't say," he answered as he began leading the way. I followed. "She sounded distraught, which is odd for her. She usually has more control. Did you do something you shouldn't have?"

"Not that I know of." We passed a table of food and I grabbed a few chicken legs. "God I love griffins. I think I'll spend the rest of the party here and at the dragon place. Shit, maybe I'll take Bloodbeak's offer of an advisory position. I ain't got nothing holding me to Equestria other than a knighthood that's name only."

"You have _nothing _holding you back? What about Taya?"

"Better off without me."

"Your friends?"

"Fuck them. Tired of them all. Three of them raped me, one knocked out all my teeth, one dropped me from Cloudsdale, and one sold me out. Most of the others are cool, but I'm really not close with any of the ponies anymore."

"Nav, I know you didn't get raped three times by ponies without reporting a single one. You really have no right to complain after the first one if that's true."

"Well, your sister only did it because of love poison. That doesn't change the fact that I still remember it, but I don't think the law recognizes that as rape. The other two… They happened at about the same time. Hell, that's not even counting what Luna did to me that last day. Shiny, unicorn 101: If you horn link with someone without a horn, what happens to the person without a horn?"

"They have no control at all in the environment created. If they are present, they are merely observers. Why?"

"Luna failed unicorn 101. She didn't know that, somehow. Or if she did she pretended not to. Shit, you want to know why I broke up with her? Here, let me tell you what she did." I did. Everything she did to me in that dreamscape I told him as we walked.

"Nav… there aren't words in the Equestrian language for how horrifying that is."

"Try holy shit. Or what the fuck. Or sorry, I'm leaving you until you prove that you love me, not what you want me to be. So you can tell your wife to blow it out her ass; I'm not getting back together with Luna, not until I have a good damn reason." I barked a laugh. "You remember that incident recently when everyone started dreaming about fucking me? Yeah, she did that on purpose, apparently. She looked through my eyes, saw me fucking someone, declared me a harlot, and turned the dream machine on so everyone could get a taste of it. It didn't take her long to realize how badly she fucked up."

"Do… do you have any proof?"

"A night guard told me. That's all the proof I got. Shit, not like you're going to arrest any of these people anyway. By now I've seen how your law system works. Since it happens to me Celestia doesn't care. Raped by Kat? Look who's walking free on the streets. Raped by Luna? Look who's still in power. Raped by Twilight after Celestia herself gives her the poison? Look who I still live with. So yeah, I think I'm done here, unless I start sobering up and think of a good reason for staying."

"How… how much… Are you lying?"

"Nope. Welcome to my world, Shiny."

"Can I look through your mind to verify any of it?"

"Not right now you can't. To do that I'd have to take my ring off, and given the time zone differences Luna might still be awake. And since apparently she's clingy, she's watching everything I do. Man, I really need to sober up. You weren't supposed to know any of what I just said."

"Nav… Why aren't you telling anypony about any of this? These aren't things you hide!"

"Yeah. But at the same time, something something about showing weakness."

"What? You just said 'something something.' How does that even make sense?"

"Shut up, I'm drunk!" _Hurry up, Flo._ "Look man, I'm from a very different place. That's the only real excuse I got. Now, I really need to stop talking and start eating before I get to the pony quarter and they see me with chicken."

He didn't comment, which was good. I was tired of hearing ponies say how disgusting meat eating was. I quickly devoured the chicken and started feeling better almost immediately. When we finally got to the pony quarter, I grabbed some cake and started eating that; bread is pretty good for soaking up stuff, right?

"Man, she really needs to start sending pegasi to get me," I said as we continued trudging through overflowing streets. "You damn groundpounders are so slow."

"Nav, how can you be so nonchalant after everything you said you've been through?" Shiny asked.

I shrugged. "I'm used to it. Actually, no, that's a bad answer. I should say, I've slowly built up an immunity of sorts. No one here knows about my life as a human or what it was like. I tell you, it wasn't all sunshine and roses. It wasn't terrible, but it gave me the right mindset I needed to survive everything I've been through. And it's all been a downward spiral of pain and misery ever since I got here. Seriously, for a place that has such happiness and sunshine on the cover, the people that have to keep all that happiness together have a shit life."

He barked a laugh. "Think of me what you will, I have my share of experience there. I haven't been through what you have, but my career in the guard wasn't a walk in the park either. Nightmare Moon, that debacle in the Middle East, and Chrysalis were the three highlights—or perhaps low points —of my career. But they aren't the only things. I've had to kill countless monsters that sought to make ponies lunch, I've had to track down and deal with several bandit gangs, I have to constantly practice and hone my magic, now that I'm a prince I have to deal with tons of royal stuff… And by Celestia Nav, the PAPERWORK! The difference between heroes like me and heroes like you is several thousand pages of unimportant, bureaucratic paperwork."

"I wouldn't mind filling out a few hundred forms if it meant I didn't get raped."

"You have a very fair point. By the way, can I get names for the other two that raped you?"

"Why? So you can drag them to jail, have their trial conducted by Celestia, and they walk free? I don't want to waste your time. I'd rather keep breaking them down emotionally about it."

"Navarone, there are other avenues you can pursue than getting them arrested. The princesses might be in charge, but they can't undo several thousand newspapers that all say the same thing."

"But if word got out, they could very easily stop those newspapers from ever going to print. I'll think about it and I might tell you once I sober up."

He sighed. "Alright, Nav. I know better than trying to take anything from you."

"Yeah… I'm sorry for all the shit I put you through, bro. I know you're just trying to do your job. Your job and my job just happen to clash sometimes." For being a lawful good type, he really wasn't all that bad. I don't think I'd ever do another job with him, but he wasn't that bad.

"Most of where we clash isn't because of your 'job,' Nav."

"Yeah, I know. I just needed an excuse for why I've been a dick. You know, aside from a few years of torture."

He didn't answer. I mean, what would he really say to that?

We were walking along in silence when I was whirled around. Before I could register what happened, my fist shot out to punch the person doing the whirling. I brought my hand back, wincing.

"That wasn't very smart," male Kumani said. "Where's your pink friend? I've been stuck like this for too long and it is starting to get aggravating, dodging that insufferable purifier."

"I don't know. Last I saw her, she was crying in our apartment. Did you look there?"

"I knocked and waited ten minutes. If she's there she's not answering the door. You are going to help me find her."

Shiny spoke up, "No he's not. He's coming with me to the princess."

"Yeah, sorry. Shiny found me first. That means I'm going to Celestia. You are welcome to tag along, but she might not let you inside."

Shiny said, "I was told to bring you alone, Nav."

I shrugged. "There you have it. Sorry, doll. You'll just have to keep looking."

"Or I come with you and wait outside. You are annoyingly hard to find in this city."

I looked at Shiny. He shrugged. I turned back to Kumani. "Alright." We began walking again. I fell back to talk to Kumani where Shiny couldn't hear us. "I don't think he remembers much about the dog father job. Don't ask and don't mention it."

"O… kay." It was kind of an odd thing to hear.

We finally made it to our destination. Kumani was made to wait outside. We left him glaring at the guards. Shining Armor and I were led to a sitting room where Celestia sat, alone. In front of her couch was a table with my gender stones on it. Another couch was on the other side of the table.

"Navarone, sit. Shining Armor, leave." She didn't sound amused. I shrugged and sat while Shiny left.

I reached out and grabbed the gender stones when I was down and pocketed them before saying, "I was happily getting drunk, until that killjoy scared away my sources. What do you want?"

She sighed. "Pinkie came to me a few hours ago, Navarone. She told me… many things. Some of which explained things I've wondered about for years."

I held up a hand to stop her. "Celestia, why the fuck should I continue living in pony lands?"

She opened her mouth to respond before closing it. Eventually she asked, "What do you mean?"

"Since I got here, my life has been hell. What is keeping me from moving away from Equestria?"

"I… Taya?"

"Would be better off without me. Try again."

She was silent for a moment. "A sense of duty?"

I nodded. "That was what used to hold me here. But when I stopped caring about duty… What am I left with?"

"Nav, think about the friends you've made!"

"Bitch, you just talked to Pinkie! Tell me what she told you."

She shut up.

"That's what I fucking thought. Try again." We sat in silence for nearly five minutes.

"The knowledge that you can still help my little ponies?"

"And why, Celestia, should I give one little damn about your ponies? Rape, kidnapping, attempted murder, mind rape, torture, lies, betrayals, and more. And your little ponies are afraid of _me_. Sure, some of them give me respect. But in Appaloosa I was treated like trash. Some of the ponies here don't mind me, but I've seen looks from others. Why should I stay in a place where I'm barely tolerated despite being a national hero when I could go somewhere like Egypt where I would be practically worshipped or Gryphus where I would be given a position as an advisor to the king or to Chrysalis, where I would become king? The dragons offered me a position in the horde. Another species, a member of the dragon horde! The dogs would probably love me, now that I took down the dog father. So why am I still here, Celestia?"

"I don't know," she quietly answered.

"And neither do I. You are very, very fortunate in one aspect, Celestia. I never leave my debts unpaid. Even after every part of me that you ruined, I still have that. A year. You have a year to think of a reason for me not to leave your horrible kingdom. And if I find out that you told anyone at all about this conversation, I'm leaving that day. I'll pack my bags, grab as much gold as I can carry, and you'll never see me again. Do we have an understanding?"

She sighed. "I am saddened that it came to this. Believe me, I understand perfectly. If you had told me so much more, so much could have been avoided, Navarone. Why? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Be honest. What would you have done?"

"I… Navarone, you must understand, Twilight and her friends are important for the national security of Equestria. They're the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. To lock any of them up… It would undermine our main defense strategy."

That's news to me. I had heard of the Elements, of course; I read every book in Twilight's library at least once. It seems ridiculous to claim that Twilight and her friends were them, though. Yes, each embodied some parts of some of the elements, but some of them betrayed parts of the elements in dealing with me.

"So what you're saying is, important ponies are above the law."

"No, of course not!"

"So Luna is going to be punished for raping me. Or for sexually assaulting every single pony by making them dream sexually about me. And you're going to be punished for casting that sex spell on me that led to me being given a drug that led to an orgy that I had no control in. Or for giving Twilight the love poison and leaving when you knew exactly what she was going to do to me."

"Those were all a long time ago…"

"Where I come from there are no statute of limitations on rape. Or attempted murder, like Luna tried to do to me with that moth."

"Luna is being punished for that—"

"By being locked in a city and given all the royal treatment a princess could possibly want? How terrifying."

She was trapped. "Well what do you want me to do, Nav? Tell everypony the paragons of friendship and the princesses they've all grown up idolizing are guilty of terrible crimes? Sow fear and confusion in the heart of everypony out there?"

I crossed my arms. "One of the elements of harmony is honesty, Celestia. Would you want all of your ponies believing in idols that are so terribly flawed? You have two choices. Either admit you care nothing for justice and the ideals of friendship that your entire nation is built upon, or tell every one of your fucking ponies the truth."

It was silent in that room for a while. I wish I could take a picture of her face. It was a mix of horror, anger, and shame.

Finally, she said, "Just because I built this nation does not mean I have to be a paragon of its values. Navarone, you have been through hardship after hardship. I'm not going to invite hardships upon my ponies by telling them the truth like that. Yes, it makes me a terrible pony. I'm so, so sorry. I swear upon my crown, I will force you to do nothing you do not want to do after you repay your debt. Upon my crown, I will force Luna to stop eavesdropping on you. Upon my crown, you will have whatever you want within reason. I know that can never undo what has been done to you, but I hope it can help you ease the terrible burdens on you. I hope that it can help you forget my injustices and the injustices of the pony race unto you. If at the end of the year you still want to go, no pony will stand in your way. In the roster of the knights, you will be marked as away on business of the realm. Think of me what you will, I thought of you as a friend."

"Then I'd hate to see what you do to your enemies." I stood. "If you need anything else, then it's a good thing you have an army of ponies that actually care."

I walked out. Shining Armor was waiting on the other side of the door. When it closed, he said, "I heard every word."

"And?"

"I'm seriously considering quitting the guard."

"Don't. The captain of the guard needs to know what the princesses are like, and you better believe the next captain won't have a clue. Do you need anything else?"

"…No, Nav. I'll talk to the… to Celestia."

"If she steps near you, back away. She's taken memories from you before. She could easily do it again."

He nodded. "I will. Somepony needs to remember this."

"Good luck, then." I left as he opened the door.

Kumani was baring her teeth at a guard that was just glaring at her. She dropped her expression when she saw me. "Can we go find the pink one now?"

"No need," I said, pulling the stones out of my pocket. I walked up to him and reached out the pink one.

"Hold on, Nav," he said. I pulled the stone away. "Being a guy presents me with a few unique opportunities. Now that you have control of the stones… Well, let's walk."

We started leaving the pony area. "I'm not really in the mood for anything like that," I commented when we were away from the guards. "I've had a shitty day. I want to go back to the griffin quarter and drink illegal stuff until I can't think anymore."

"Oh come on, Nav! When am I ever going to get to experience sex like this again?"

_Fucking hedonist_. "Fine. Maybe that'll help pull me out of this damn dark mood. With my roommate, it might not be a good idea to use my apartment."

"I have a friend whose place we can use. Don't move."

"What?" That's all I had time to ask before he picked me up and jumped into the air, spreading his wings wide. "Dammit, I hate—mmph!" He kissed me again, jamming his tongue down my throat yet again. When he pulled away, I realized we were on the ground. "Will you stop fucking babying me?"

"But it's so fun!" I think he could see the anger brewing on my face, as he quickly set me down. "Alright, fine. If I overstep, I'm sorry. It just seems natural for some reason."

I grit my teeth. "Is there anywhere in this damn world where the females are actually submissive and sedate?"

He chuckled. "Not that I know of. Now come on. My friend might not be here, so we need to hurry."

I sighed and followed him in.

The next day I woke up with a splitting headache and not knowing how I actually fell asleep. It took me a moment to realize why it was so dark and it took me even longer to get out from under Kumani's wing. She had a damn death grip on me. I sat on the edge of the bed, not knowing where the hell I was. I just cradled my head in my hands.

"Flo, did I do anything I'd regret last night?"

"Look on the other side of Kumani."

I achingly turned my body around and saw Pinkie wrapped up around Kumani's arm. "Huh. How the fuck did that happen?"

"You saw her down and depressed and told her to join you and Kumani. You got very drunk last night."

"Was it worth it?"

"Look at Pinkie's hair."

I did. It was all poofy again. "That doesn't answer my question. I don't care if it was worth it for her. Should I regret it?"

"No." Good enough for me.

I stood and went to look for a bathroom. When I found it I drank as much water as I could hold. I returned to the room and gathered all of my junk and then jumped out the window, flying back to my apartment for a shower.

I didn't really want to go back to that clothing shop alone; that guy was talking way too much about my 'beauty' and 'form' for me to be comfortable around him. However, what's a single unicorn going to do against someone with a magic nullifying ring that's decked out in weapons?

With that somewhat comforting thought in mind, I touched the pink stone, got dressed, threw on some weapons, and jumped into the air. It was around noon when I landed in front of his shop.

I walked inside to see a dog and a griffin standing in front of a terrified looking shopkeeper. "The dog father ain't in charge anymore, pony," the griffin said. "We take however much we want." That's as far as he got before a bolt sent him off to Valhalla or whatever the birdbrains believe in.

The dog whirled around, surprise on his face. He turned just in time to see a knife landing in his chest. He looked at it in horror that quickly turned to rage. He grabbed it and tore it out, throwing it aside. He began charging at me just as the next knife hit him in the face.

"I'm here for my orders," I said, stepping further into the shop.

"Y-y-you k-killed them!"

"Yeah. If it's not ready I can come back later." I continued walking, up to the bodies. "But I'm getting my knives and bolt first."

"I'll… I'll go… I'll go get them." He went into a back room. I heard retching.

I grabbed the knife in the dog's eye and wiped it on his coat. I went over to where he threw the other and wiped it off as well. I sheathed them both and tried pulling the bolt from the griffin. It broke. I shrugged, took off the part with the arrowhead, and left the rest.

I removed the dog's purse and checked it. There was a note inside. "The boss got pinched. The _boss _boss. The majority of the Flankfurt mafia heads will be meeting at the library safe house to decide who will be in charge. Those of you that want to change your colors, meet up there. Burn this note."

I looked up. "Fuck dogs are stupid." I pocketed the letter and went into the back room where the shop owner was in the fetal position. "Do I need to just come back later?" He whimpered. I started backing up. "I think I'll just come back later."

"No! Please… don't leave me…"

"Look, Mister Fashion Shop Guy, it's kinda obvious you aren't used to death. I am. Those guys were here to rob and/or hurt you. It's probably for the best that I killed them." He looked at me with bloodshot eyes. "Okay, that's a nice touch. How did you get your eyes bloodshot that quickly?"

Flo sighed. "You could try being more sensitive."

_Flo, I still have a pretty bad headache. What the fuck am I supposed to say?_

"Hug him."

_Dammit Flo._

I sighed as I knelt down and wrapped my arms around him. "It's okay, mister fashion guy. It's over now." Aside from getting rid of their bodies. And the blood. And the horrible smell.

After a few minutes he calmed down enough to say, "I'm… I'm good now." I quickly let him go and stood up, backing away.

"Sorry, man. I'm not used to dealing with civilians anymore, at least not when it comes to stuff like this. If you stay in here, I'll go get some guards to… deal with the remains. Are you okay alone?"

He shakily nodded. He didn't look pleased at the notion of being left alone, but I think he liked the idea of having bodies in his shop even less. I stood and walked out of the back room, closing the door behind me. I changed the sign on the window to say closed and left, looking for the nearest guard. I quickly found one, and he got a crew together to deal with the remains and aftermath.

When the bodies were cleared, I finally opened the door of the backroom to find the fellow in a relatively decent, if nervous, state. "Everything is gone," I said. He sighed in relief. "Now, about that order?"

He nodded once, happy to have something normal to think about. He bustled over to a clothing rack and pulled off a very tasteful looking outfit that I could actually see myself wearing if I ever had to spend time as a girl. "I had a lot of fun making this outfit. To make something to fit you, your grace and beauty, calmness and precision… It's making was payment enough." _What is it with these fashion ponies and free clothes?_

He then went over to a small chest and pulled out my goggles. "I did not like making these so… _basic_, but that is what you requested."

I smiled. "Perfect. Both of them. Thank you, mister fashion store guy."

"Please, try them on!" He passed the outfit to me.

"Do you have any kind of changing room?"

"…A what?"

I shrugged and began stripping down, making sure my weapons didn't get too far away from me. It would be just my luck that this guy tried striking while I was naked.

He was definitely getting an eyeful and smiling like crazy. I didn't really care, honestly. As long as he didn't try anything, he could look all he wanted.

"Are all… humans like you?" he asked while I was putting on the new set of clothes.

"No. We're all different in one way or another. Most aren't cold blooded murderers, if that's what you meant. About half are males, with different body types."

"Where do you come from?"

"A different dimension. I was brought here by accident. I think I've made a decent life for myself."

"A knight of Equestria, if I heard right."

"You did. Rumors spread far and fast, it seems. Shame not all have heard them."

"You've had trouble with ponies in the past?"

"Yes. A place in the mainland was very, very cold toward me." I shrugged. "Ignorant hicks. They recognized royal authority, but most of them weren't happy about it. This fits well." I finally finished putting it on. It was very form fitting, emphasizing the feminine curves I wasn't overly pleased that I possessed.

His grin widened as he looked me over, nodding. "Yes, it does. It was a joy to make, and I'm glad you like it." I didn't say that, but I did like it.

"I do need one more thing, if you have the time. I need it today, preferably before I leave. I can pay plenty, if it would disrupt any other orders."

"It's no problem! Not for somepony that saved my shop from those crooks. What do you need?"

"A cloak and cowl. I need a way to stay hidden as I walk among the ponies, something that I can use to appear like a cat or dog."

"You want to hide your wonderful body? Why?"

"I've become a target. As little as I like hiding, staying visible is likely worse of a choice. I _could _kill everyone that comes at me, but I'd prefer not to make a scene in every street between here and my apartment."

He slowly nodded. "Yes, I can understand that. It should be very easy to make. Do you have any color preferences?"

"Pale white, something that would be seen in the deserts. If I look like a mercenary from Egypt, I'll be left alone."

His eyes got a faraway look for a moment before he nodded once and went back into his shop proper. I grabbed my stuff and followed him, strapping weapons on and putting the goggles around my neck, ready to be pulled up if I needed them.

_So just what was that song you were singing, anyway?_

Flo answered, "An old song about a man and a woman during times of war. The man gets called off to battle and the woman is mourning her loneliness, pining away until he returns. When he does, he comes home broken, an emotional wreck that can't seem to handle a relationship no matter how loving the woman tries to be."

_Talk about a fucking bummer._

She didn't answer.

The shopkeeper walked out of another back room carrying a few bolts of off-white cloth. The bolts floated over to a sewing machine and things began happening. I never knew much about the process, but half an hour later he pulled a very large cloak and cowl mix off and passed them to me. "Are these satisfactory?" he asked.

I took a moment to put them on. "Yes, very much so. It'll be hot, but I'd rather be a little bit warm than under attack. You've been awesome, mister shopkeeper. How much do I owe you?"

"Oh, it's nothing. You saved my shop, after all."

I rolled my eyes and reached into the wad of clothing I removed and grabbed one of my coin purses. I tossed it onto an unrolled bolt of cloth. "If you need me for anything, just let me know." I started for the door before he could open the sack of coins or try to pass them back.

I got out just as I heard his shout, "Wait!" I sighed and looked back. "Are you… doing anything tonight?"

I blinked. That, I was not at all expecting. "Unfortunately, yes. One of those criminals had a letter on him. I have to look into it and deal with what it said. The aftermath of that will likely take all week and then I'm going back to the mainland." I shrugged. "If things were different, I would take you out. Sorry mister fashion guy."

He did look a bit sad, but he nodded. "I understand. Thanks for everything."

I waved one last time before exiting the shop. I removed the ring and leapt into the air, quickly flying back to my apartment. I got inside, removed my female outfit, touched the blue stone, put on a random set of clothes, then put on my armor, strapped on my bolts, knives, and sword, and finally put on the cloak. I filled its pockets with some of the human weapons and the letter. To finish off the bunch, I grabbed my crossbow. I was ready to fuck some bitches up.

I wasted no time removing myself from the apartment and flying to where I had left Kumani and Pinkie. Surprisingly, they were both still in bed. Their tails were intertwined in a way that I honestly found kind of cute. I was hesitant to wake Kumani up, but I knew she would want to get in on this if it meant the possibility of more money.

To that end, I poked her. She didn't react. I poked her a few more times with no better results. Finally I just flipped her over, reached down to her tail, and pushed the base in.

She woke up with a moan, stretching and trying to buck at the same time. When she opened her eyes to confusedly look around, she flinched. "What in the… Get off me!" She pushed Pinkie off the bed, finally waking her up as well.

"Party?" Pinkie sleepily asked.

"No party," I answered. "Kumani, you want a chance to make some bits?"

She yawned. "Can it wait until after breakfast?"

"It's almost two in the afternoon. I don't know what the time limit on this letter is, so you better fucking hurry. We gotta go and we gotta go soon."

She started really waking up then. "What's this about?"

Pinkie jumped up. "Can I come?"

"No. It's about a letter I found on some crooks. From the looks of things, there's a big boss meeting tonight. You and I are going to fly down to the dogs and talk to their boss and offer him your services as a mercenary for this job. If he takes you up on it, cool. If not, well, at least you tried."

She grinned, her sharp teeth flashing in the light. "Yeah, I like this idea."

"Why can't I come?" Pinkie asked, almost sounding sad.

"Because fuck you, that's why. You ready, Kumani?"

Kumani stood, rolling her shoulders. "Yeah. I'd like to eat first… but maybe we can get something on the way."

"Pinkie, stay out of trouble. Kumani, can you fit through the window?"

By way of answer, she walked over to it and threw herself out. I saw her soar up a bit before I walked over and put my foot up on the sill, ready to jump out. Something caught my back leg, stopping me. I turned to see that it was Pinkie wearing a very sad face.

"Nav…" she whispered. "Please? I just want to help protect you."

"No. Now, would you kindly let me go?"

The sad face instantly disappeared and a determined one replaced it. "No! I'm not letting you go without me!"

"You can't even fly."

"We could walk… Please, Nav?"

"Let. Me. Go."

She just increased her grip, shouting, "NO!"

I balled my fist and punched her in the head. I was wearing a gauntlet at the time, remember. She instantly let me go, backing away and clutching at where I hit her with a cry of pain. "Maybe you think last night meant something," I growled. "I was drunk. You were easy. Simple as that. Get your mind out of the clouds, Pinkie. Forgiveness isn't that simple. Maybe it's time you realized that."

With that, I pushed the rest of my body out the window, joining Kumani in the sky. I pointed her to the dog abode and we flew toward it as quickly as we could. We both landed right outside the gate, the dog stupidly staring at us.

"We need to see the boss," I said. The dog stared. "Right now."

He blinked. "I'll go talk to him," he dumbly said.

He walked up to the front door and pounded on it. A moment later another guard opened it. The outside guard said something we couldn't hear. The inside guard looked at us before nodding and stepping back in, yelling something inside the house. A moment later the boss came to the door, looking out at us. He smiled and exited, walking up to the gate.

"How can I help you, Navarone? If it _is _you, of course."

I pulled a knife out and cut myself on the cheek, showing my amber blood. He nodded and his eyes went to Kumani. I turned to her. "Let me see your hand." She held it out and I lightly pricked it, showing a bit of red blood. I turned back to the boss and pulled the letter out with one hand as I sheathed the knife with another. I passed it to him. "I pulled this off a dead criminal today that was trying to rough up a store owner. I figured this could help you out a bit."

He read through it before looking up. "Are you sure this is genuine?"

"No, but I know I pulled it off someone who mentioned the dog father before I killed him. I don't know if it means tonight or last night or what, but it seems like a good opportunity to me."

He put a hand to his chin, thinking. "I don't have too many troops here…"

"Kumani is for hire, if you're interested. A dragon is surely worth at least ten dogs, even one as young as she is."

He looked up. "Yes, I would love to have you both." _Both? _"I can't offer you nearly as much, but hopefully there will be no fighting. Can you think of any others that might be worth paying for?"

"Celestia would probably give you all the guards you needed, if you asked her."

He grimaced, shaking his head. "I do not like getting her involved with any dog business. I hated hiring her captain, but he did turn out to be useful."

"The only others I can think of would be a few cats. Rock, Miguel, Kat, and Jocasta. They're all ranking members of the cat government, but they would probably come if you offered gold."

"And you can speak for their fighting prowess?"

"I can speak for Kat's, Miguel's, and Rock's. I know Jocasta can fight, but I've never known her to do it."

He nodded once. "It would be a good thing to do anyway; we need to build better relations with the cats." He snapped his fingers and a guard jumped forward. "Send out sniffers for a few cats named Rock, Miguel, Kat, and Jocasta. Offer them three thousand bits each if they assist me in a matter. They have to come here to talk to me."

The guard who listened blinked dumbly. "A cat named Kat?"

The boss lifted a paw up and arched one of his digits in, a 'come hither' motion. The guard moved his head down to the boss's level and the boss slapped the guard in the face. "Go!" The guard quickly nodded and went inside. A moment later a few dogs without armor began running out and jogged past us on all fours, running like a dog from my world.

"Come inside, you two. Let us talk business."

I sighed and followed the boss as he led the way inside. Kumani followed behind us and the guard took up his position back at the gate. "The dog father has been reluctant to talk," he said as we walked further inside. "We've gotten a few names out of him, a few things that will need to be confirmed. Turns out that he was definitely sent to Tartarus at one point." He scoffed. "Why Celestia sent a big dog to guard a dog, I don't know." I assume he meant Cerberus. "_We _haven't gotten him to say much. Do either of you think you could?"

"Kat can," I said with a nod. "That crazy bitch specializes in torture. When she gets here she can extract the information we need about the library safe house."

He grinned, rubbing his paws together. "It's good to have friends in high _and _low places, is it not?" he asked with a predatory grin.

"I have them in the lowest of the low and the highest of the high. It is definitely valuable. Now, do we need to do anything while we wait?"

He shook his head. "Just enjoy the hospitality of the dogs. If you don't mind waiting here, I'll go tell the torturers what to try to learn." With that, he left us in the same sitting room where we first talked about the dog father.

I turned to Kumani. "So. Wanna make out?"

She blinked. "…What?"

I shrugged. "Just checking." I walked over to the bookcase and started looking over titles. I didn't get far when I felt my wings grabbed and felt myself pulled backwards and then twisted to face Kumani. She gently licked the blood off my cheek before spinning me back around and repositioning me in front of the book case. I continued perusing titles.

When I found a book that looked slightly interesting, I grabbed it and sat on the desk. It was the only place I could comfortably sit, due to my wings. Kumani walked around, looking at various things in the room as I read.

It didn't take the dog too long to get back with us. Behind him was some random female dog carrying some kind of drinks. Neither commented on me sitting on his desk. He just shrugged and walked to a chair and sat it in. "Tell me, what kind of fighters are these cats you want me to hire?"

"Rock is brutal in melee. Back when I knew him, he carried a giant fucking hammer that he would use to turn things he didn't like into paste. Miguel used two nasty daggers, using the cats' natural speed to eliminate entire groups of soldiers. He might not like the order of 'take them alive,' but he can probably be reined in by Jocasta. I've never seen her fight. I've never seen Kat fight either, but I know she's an expert assassin."

"Seems like a lotta hearsay," he commented as he sipped on whatever was in the cup the servant gave him. She gave me and Kumani one as well, but I set mine on the desk beside me and didn't touch it again; I didn't trust the dogs for some reason I couldn't put my finger on.

"I did see Kat torture someone, though. It was… horrifying." She sure did a better job than I. "Trust me when I say that this group can fuck shit up if you let them. Now, my turn for a question. How did you hear about me? It seems I'm famous."

He grinned. "Everyone keeps up to date with Celestia's court. Or at least, the more interesting parts of it. And you, Navarone, are most definitely interesting. Ordering the captain of the guard around, making love with a dragon, killing criminals as they line up… And that's all in four days. You have quite a history, too. Everyone in power knows who you are. Even if you do have some… unpleasant past associations, you are still quite useful."

"Unpleasant past associations?" I asked.

"Changelings," he growled. "We don't like them. They don't like us. Why you have any dealings with them at all is beyond me. We were rather displeased that Celestia formed a pact of sorts with them. And I heard that it was your fault it happened."

"Partially my fault. I helped capture the queen when she tried invading Canterlot. I pacified her and the rest is history."

"I've heard it said you had a more… personal history with her."

I grinned. "I have exotic tastes. So does she. And when you have a lover that can turn into anything, it never gets boring."

He rolled his eyes. "Disgusting bugs. Doesn't matter what they turn into, they're still gonna be a bug."

"Which would you prefer, then: One of your female dogs, or someone like her?" I asked, waving my hand at Kumani.

He grimaced. "Even bitches are better than bugs. And dragons? I think I'll stick to a race that doesn't have flights of fancy that involve kidnapping lovers and keeping them for their hoard."

Kumani growled. "Those are our laws, _pup_. If we get caught with a member of another race, marriage is forced."

He crossed his arms, grinning. "So what happened between you two? Navarone is wearing a ring, but you aren't."

She sniffed. "Navarone refused my hand. It was… unorthodox, but Pyrite allowed for another punishment. An exception for one to whom exceptions are common."

"Oh?" the dog said. "And how do _you _feel about that?"

"He has his own life, as I have mine. If they don't happen to permanently intersect, then that's just the way it is."

The dog chuckled. "So you want him but you know he doesn't want you." Kumani looked away. "You don't get to be my rank without being smart, hatchling." He looked back to me. "How long do you think it'll take those cats to get here?"

"Don't know. If they answer the call, it shouldn't take them long. Kumani, come here." She slowly walked to me, not looking at me. I grabbed her hand when she was close and pulled her down to her knees, putting her face at about my chest. I gently lifted her head and kissed her for a moment before pulling back and whispering, "If you really want me, there's a chance I'll be leaving Equestria in a year. I was going to… help a friend, but if you want to tag along you are welcome. We can see where it goes."

She grinned before wrapping her arms around me and lightly hugging me.

"Blech," the dog huffed. "So sappy."

"Yeah, yeah," I said as Kumani pulled away. "So what's our pay for this job? And do we want the bosses alive or dead?"

"You brought this to my attention, so you get five. Your dragon gets four. The cats get three." He held up a paw. "That's assuming this letter is legit. If this is a dud, you all get nothing. I'm thinking… two hundred extra for every living, ranking boss you bring back. I'd prefer them alive. But if not… well, I'll understand."

I nodded. "Good enough for me. Rules of engagement?"

"No civilian casualties. If any of the bosses fight back, use as much force as you need to get them compliant. We have the dog father, so we can get all the information we need from him, but every boss we can get is good. There won't be too many since this is just one city, but get as many as you can."

"Sounds simple enough. How many troops are you giving us?"

"Fifteen. That's over half of my remaining guards, so do not spend their lives pointlessly. You are in charge, Navarone."

"What, you're not going?"

He scoffed. "_Me_? I'm not a fighter. I make money so I can hire others to fight for me."

I shrugged. "What about that girl you tried to get me to use to get the dog father? She coming?"

"Minnie? Yeah, she'll go. For a bitch, she's smart and useful."

I nodded once and went back to reading the book. A few minutes later, the door opened and a guard came in, saying, "There are four cats outside, sir. They want to talk to you."

"Send them in. Leave two guards at the door, in case they're changelings." The guard nodded and went back outside. The boss turned to me. "You'll have to check them, or convince them to let us do it."

I shrugged. The four familiar cats came in. "Sup, guys?" I said.

Jocasta sighed. "I should have known you would be behind this. Well, what do you want?"

"First things first. We have to make sure you aren't changelings. Would you mind bleeding?"

She crossed her arms. "Why should I even care? What's in it for us?"

"Three thousand bits each, if the job goes well. But first, changelings?"

She rolled her eyes and snapped her fingers. Kat and Miguel pulled out daggers and lightly cut their arms, showing red blood. Rock growled before extending a large claw and running it down his face. Jocasta gently pricked her paw with a claw. "Happy?" she asked.

"Yep." I raised a finger to point them out to the boss. "Jocasta, Rock, Miguel, Kat."

He nodded to them. "I want your help in capturing a few crime bosses. Navarone here says you're worth the money."

Jocasta nodded once. "Give us details."

He smiled sheepishly. "All we know is the name of the location. We have the big boss, but he ain't talking. Nav here says Kat knows how to… acquire information. Think she can make him talk?"

Kat stepped forward, grinning. "Tell me the questions to ask and where the prisoner is. I'll make him talk."

The boss clapped his hands twice and a guard stepped in. "Take her to the dog father. Tell the torturers that she's in charge." He looked to her. "They know what to look for. Just ask them and get the info as quickly as possible. Send Minerva up here."

She nodded and followed the guard. Jocasta asked, "So what are the details of the job? What are we going to be doing?"

"Capturing and/or killing crime bosses," I answered. "Assuming this isn't a dud, at least. I got attacked by a few crooks today and pulled a letter off their bodies that said there was a big meeting tonight. It gave a location, but we don't know where it is." I looked at Miguel and said, "Capturing them is priority. Kill only if you have to. Every live boss is two hundred extra bits for everyone." I turned back to Jocasta. "Keep Miguel in check. No civilian casualties. We want a nice and quick smash and grab. If we get bogged down in the streets fighting every crook in the damn city, there's a chance none of us will get out alive, or at least without getting captured by pony guards and getting in some serious trouble for inciting a war in a pony city."

She nodded. "I will keep him under control. Who is in charge?"

The dog nodded at me. "Navarone is leading this one."

Jocasta sighed. "Oh boy, this'll be fun."

Rock rolled his shoulders. "As long as the little human learned how to fight, I'm okay with following him."

The dog waved a paw. "Whatever. As long as the job gets done, I don't care how."

"Alright, I got a battle plan of sorts," I said. "Jocasta, you take Kumani and Miguel and eight of the fifteen dogs around to the opposite side of the building, if it has one. You guard the exit, making sure anyone that's running away doesn't get far. I take Kat, Rock, and the other dogs in with me and scour the building."

"Why am I waiting outside?" Kumani asked.

"Three reasons. One, so you can use your fire breath if needed. Two, so you can use your wings if needed. Three, so each group has a heavy hitter. I get Rock, Jocasta gets you." She didn't like it, but she couldn't deny the logic.

Jocasta shook her head. "You take ten of the dogs. We'll need less to apprehend anything that's running. If you're going inside, you'll need more to break through resistance."

I shrugged. "Fair enough. Hopefully we won't run into too much resistance. So Rock, how's the job as a guard captain?"

He shrugged. "I got demoted."

Jocasta rolled her eyes. "He spent too much time hitting things and not enough time guarding things. By all rights he should have been arrested."

"That building deserved it!" Rock countered, crossing his arms._ This'll be good._

"And what did the building do?" I asked.

"Blocked my pursuit of a criminal—"

"That turned out to be innocent," Jocasta interrupted.

"—_A criminal_. I removed the building. By the time I got to the other side, I realized someone else had already caught him."

"What was the building?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

He shrugged. "Some kind of hospital or orphanage or something. I don't pay attention to collateral damage." I finally burst out laughing. "See! Someone else thinks it's funny!"

Jocasta just sighed, shaking her head and face-palming. Miguel was grinning, Kumani looked a bit disturbed, and the dog had a look of 'I can't believe I'm paying you people.'

So Kat and Minerva were a little bit confused when they walked in.

"What did I miss?" Kat asked.

Jocasta said, "Rock explained why he was demoted."

Kat chuckled. "_That _story? I remember that. Those orphans were whining for days!"

The dog cut us all off with, "Did you get the information?"

Kat nodded. "Yeah, it was no problem. The dog father and me, we go way back. You shoulda seen his face when he realized I was coming to torture him." She chuckled. "He pissed himself when I bared my claws and told me what I wanted to know."

"Yes, yes. Where is it?"

"Flankfurt Public Library. You know, the only library in Flankfurt."

We all looked around the room and we each shrugged. "I've never been here," I said. "I don't know how many libraries there are."

"I don't have any maps of this place," the boss said.

I asked, "When does 'tonight' start? At nightfall or some other time?"

"Nightfall," the boss said. "That's what it means for dogs."

I nodded. "Jocasta, take your cats and stake the place out. Watch who goes in and who leaves. Note any entrances and possible hidden exits. Try not to look too suspicious. We'll start heading that way right before nightfall."

"Very well," Jocasta answered. "Come." She led her group out.

"So… what do we do for a few hours?" I asked.

The boss hopped out of his chair. "I need to go do some work. You two kinda caught me at a bad time. You're welcome to explore the setup we got here. Just stay outta everyone's way." With that, he left.

"You know," I said, "no one here seems to want to tell me any names. I got asked on a date by a shopkeeper and he never told me his name. I called him mister fashion store guy."

Kumani blinked. "You got asked on a date by a stallion?"

"Yep. Not important. I still don't know that dog's name."

"A _stallion _asked you out."

"Yeah. It's not the first time. Hell, I've even had a bit of fun with one. It was… not something I think I want to try again, all things told."

She sniffed. "I certainly hope not." _Oh fun, now I have another jealous woman on my case. When will I learn?_

I shrugged. "Maybe, maybe not. Doesn't really matter, I suppose." She didn't answer and I went back to reading.

And then she plopped down in front of me. "Read to me," she said.

I looked up. "This is a treatise on morality. Do you _really _want me to read that to you?"

"…What's a treatise?"

I closed the book. "Why don't I find you one you can read on your own?"

She shook her head. "Don't bother. I can't read."

I blinked. "What?"

She shrugged. "I was never interested. My dad asked if I wanted to learn and I said no."

"Well. I'm afraid I can't let that stand. I'm sure there's a simple book here I can use to help you get started."

"Why would I want to learn how to read? Just pick a good book and read it to me."

"How can you be willfully ignorant like that? Just knowing how to speak isn't enough! You miss out on more than half of everything not knowing how to read. Signs, books, notes, letters… How do you send words of fire if you don't know how to write?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. Never questioned it. I don't see what the big deal is. If I want to know where something is, I'll ask someone. If I need something read, I'll ask someone. Before too long I'll be too big to read many books or go to many cities anyway. It just seemed like a waste of time to learn."

I sighed, shaking my head. "Fine. I wouldn't be able to teach you in a few hours anyway. That doesn't change the fact that you should learn. There are entire worlds hidden in books, worlds you'll never see or learn the nuances of if you can't read. So much you could learn…" I stood. "Do you have any specific interests?"

"Come on, that… treatise you were reading can't be that bad."

"It isn't something you would be interested in." I walked to the bookcase and slid the book in. I looked over the titles and raised my eyebrows at what I found. "My my… Whoever owns this house has expensive—and illegal—tastes." I pulled out the book that piqued my interest. "_Heart of Darkness._ I wrote this a little while ago and Celestia told me not to sell it." I chuckled. "That didn't stop me. Not _this _book. I found someone willing to deal in… less than pleasant works. Are you interested in a journey of despair and insanity?"

She shrugged. "Sounds cool to me."

An hour later she was a mix of horrified and bored. It's a really short book. Good, but short. If any copies survive Celestia's wrath when she reads this in my journal, I suggest looking for one. "Well?" I asked.

She blinked. "And _you _wrote that?"

"No, I transcribed it, bringing it here from my world. The original author was someone else."

She shook her head. "Whoever he was, he had some serious problems."

I shrugged. "Without understanding more of the history, it doesn't make as much sense. It's a dark, dark tale with an even darker history. And it's not important."

"That book didn't really make me want to learn to read, you know."

I stood and walked up to her. She rolled her eyes and I sat in her lap, wrapping my legs around her back. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her for a moment before pulling back. "For me?" I asked in a seductive tone.

She sighed. "I'll think about it. No promises." I leaned in for another kiss, but she held me away from her. "I said I'll think about it. Hm… If you do leave in a year and I go with you, maybe I'll let you teach me."

For some reason, that made me picture Kumani in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. That led to me picturing her bent over a desk while I held a paddle, ready to punish her for being a naughty girl.

"I know that look," she said. "What are you thinking?"

"Do dragons ever wear clothes?" I asked.

She opened her mouth to answer but the door opened, cutting her off. "I ain't paying you two to… do whatever you're doing," the dog boss said as he walked in. "My guards are ready and it's almost night. Time for you to get to work."

I sighed, pulling myself off Kumani. "I'd have to take my armor off anyway." She stood and we turned to the boss. "Where are the troops?"

"Come on," he answered, stepping back into the hall.

"So how well trained are these guys, anyway?" I asked as we walked to the door.

"The guards I'm giving you are veterans. There are three squads, each headed by a smarter breed. They'll get the job done, don't you worry."

They certainly didn't look like anyone I'd want to tango with. I still didn't know how to fight, even after all I had been through. I might be able to take down someone in a one on one fight, but that's not really my style. The troops were each decked out in a nearly full suit of armor. They had varying weapons, all melee. Three dogs looked to be a different breed, but I don't know dogs well so I couldn't say what they were. Minerva was standing with them, unarmored. She had two swords on her, one on each side.

"So uh… I assume one of you knows the way to the library?" I asked. The boss face-pawed.

Minerva nodded. "I do," she answered.

"Lead the way. Kumani, get in the air and provide cover. You see any large groups of anything heading our way, you warn us."

They both nodded. Kumani jumped into the air while Minerva began jogging out of the compound. We all followed her. Thankfully, the streets were emptying now as the stores began closing and the diurnal ponies started going home. We didn't have too many problems with streets being full or anyone trying to stop us.

I was seriously thanking my increased endurance when we finally met the cats a few blocks away from the library. Kumani landed and reported no problems while Jocasta began informing me what was going on.

"There are definitely a lot of people in the library," Jocasta said. "Many were carrying weapons and seemed paranoid. If it isn't the crime bosses we're after, they could certainly pass for them."

I nodded. "Good enough for me. How many entries and exits are there?"

"An entrance on each side. Kat scaled the building and found a roof access as well. What is your plan?"

"How many floors?" I asked.

"Two. One above ground and a basement."

I crossed my arms, thinking. The plan I originally had wouldn't work with that many entries and exits. "How good of a leader is Rock?"

She shrugged. "I used him back in the March because I had to, not because he was good."

"Minerva!" I called. She looked up and walked over. "How smart are your squad leaders?"

She grinned, showing bright teeth. "Very. They're all veterans."

I nodded. "Alright, here's the plan. Jocasta, you take your cats and Minerva and go in the right. Kumani, you reinforce one squad and go in from the back. One squad holds on the left. I take a squad and go in the front. Questions?"

"What if a door is locked?" Kumani asked.

"Well, Kat knows how to pick locks and I have a magic key… Minerva, are there any ex-thieves in the squads?"

She shook her head. "Thieves aren't allowed in the guard."

I shrugged. "If a door is locked and you can't pick it, break the fucker down. Where there are crime bosses, there's money. We should get a nice haul out of it, and we can leave enough with the library to ensure silence. That said, don't go crazy. Too much collateral damage and the Equestrian guard gets involved and we don't get paid. And if the library ends up burning down… Well, Celestia's going to rake someone's hide over coals for that. Now, if there are no more questions…?" There weren't. "Alright. Kumani, take a squad and lead them around back. Jocasta, get your people together and move to the right. We move inside in five." They nodded and began moving.

I grinned, smiling at the prospect of what was soon to come.


	61. Chapter Fifty-Nine

Chapter Fifty-Nine—Wuthering Ponies

I designated one squad to hold on the left and I picked another squad to go inside with me. We began moving to the library proper. At the five minute mark, we entered. The library was still open. I went to the front desk. "Can I help you?" the mare behind the counter asked.

"Ah, yes. I'm looking for the meeting of the crime bosses. Can you point me the right way?"

She blinked. "Um. There's a section on organized crime…"

"No, no. I'm looking for the crime bosses. Like, the actual people."

"I… I don't think I can help you."

I shrugged. "You might want to leave the library, then. I'm going to find them and when I do it isn't going to be pretty."

"Uh… Are you… okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm just… gonna go sort books now…"

I turned to the dogs. "Alright boys, looks like we're doing this the hard way. Look for anything that doesn't belong."

The squad leader nodded. "You heard him, dogs. Fan out. Report any side doors. Report anyone you find. Move."

The squad leader took one troop and went to the right. Two more went left. One stayed with me. "Alright, come on," I told him. He shrugged and began following me to the center of the very nice library. I saw that there were a few ponies still inside, reading. I jumped on a table. "Anyone not involved with organized crime should probably leave!" I called out. "Anyone that is involved in organized crime, would you kindly step forward?"

I got a lot of weird looks from that, and no takers. A lot of ponies did leave, though. Some retreated further into the stacks. I looked at the dog before jerking my head towards those that fled into the stacks. We began sprinting after them. They led us right to a secret door hidden in a bookcase that swung shut right behind them.

"My my… Go get the others." The dog ran off.

I started looking over the book titles. I didn't see how they opened it, but I assumed there was some manner of switch. _Flo, suggestions?_

"Start pulling books off the shelves."

I started doing just that. Soon, the bookcase with the door behind it was empty. _Worth a shot._ The dogs finally got to me. "There's a secret door behind this bookcase," I said. "Break it down."

I stood back as one guard walked back a few feet before rushing at and through the bookcase. He stumbled a few feet down some stairs before catching himself. "There are probably more entrances somewhere in the building. Let's hope the others find them. Everyone, get in there," I said. They began moving down the stairs. I followed.

It took us a few seconds to get to the bottom, where a hall led down to a door that was being opened by a very angry looking dog. He saw our group and his eyes widened before he slammed the door shut.

"Stop at the door," I said. "Move, but watch out for any kind of traps." They did as I said. I pushed my way to the front of the group and tried the handle. It was locked. I knocked and got no answer. I shrugged and used my enchanted key to unlock it. I pulled a canister out of my pocket, pulled the pin, opened the door slightly, threw it in, and closed the door. "Brace it," I ordered the closest dog. He put his shoulder against it.

Half a minute later, I put my goggles on. "Stand aside," I ordered. He backed up and I opened the door, stepping inside. Several people of all races were on the grounds, clutching at burning eyes and burned skin. The gas was cleared enough for the dogs to come in. "Bind them," I ordered. "I don't know who is important and who isn't." In minutes we had several prisoners bound and gagged.

"What about pony with horn?" one of the dogs asked, pointing to a unicorn.

"Break his horn off." None of the prisoners were unconscious, mind. As soon as the unicorn heard me say that, he freaked the fuck out

"NO! PLEASE! ANYTHING, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

I started walking to the dog with the gaudiest clothes as the guard picked the unicorn up and snapped his horn off. The pony quickly began screeching in either pain or horror, I don't know which. "Gag him," I ordered. "I don't want him bringing too much attention to us yet." The guards thankfully complied. I knelt down to the gaudy prisoner. "Where are the bosses?" I asked. There were two doors leading out of here.

"Go to Tartarus," he spit.

I sighed. "Look. It's easy: Left or right. If you give me the wrong answer, bad things happen to you. If you give me the right answer, less bad things are going to happen. So I ask again: Where are they?"

He growled before saying, "Right."

I looked up as the door to the right opened and the cats walked in. I looked back down at the dog. "Wrong answer." I pulled my knife out and poked him in the eye and he began screaming too. I wiped the eye juices and blood off on his coat as I stood. "Gag him," I told the dogs before turning to Jocasta. "Report."

"We found a secret door and followed it here. We haven't found any guards at all yet."

"Looks like we're going left. Squad leader, you and three dogs stay here and guard these prisoners. Everyone else, to the left door." They all went. It was locked. Kat moved to take care of it and I let her.

A moment later she pulled away, concern on her face. "It's magic. I can't do anything to it."

I pulled my key out and opened it. I stood to one side and pushed the door open, quickly jerking out of the way in case anything shot out. Nothing happened. I looked at one of the dogs with us and jerked my head down the tunnel. He went off. Rock followed right behind him. I followed them. The rest of our little group followed.

We entered a long hallway with another door at the end. "Again, watch out for traps." The dog turned his head to me while he was walking, just in time to miss a bolt that shot out right at him. It stuck into the wall as the dog jumped back into Rock. "Kat, do you know how to trap check?"

"Of course. What kind of assassin would I be if I couldn't?"

"Let her get to the front. Be ready to pull her back in case she buggers up. Step where she steps, don't touch what she doesn't touch." We stepped aside and let her move past us.

She eyed the ground carefully. She put her arm behind her and said, "Pass me a spear." One of the dogs in the room was carrying one. It passed hands until it got to her. She began prodding some places. A few traps triggered and we began moving up the hallway in that manner.

It took us fifteen minutes to progress down a thirty foot hall. She stopped at the door. "It's locked," she said, and pulled out her tools. A minute later she let out an exasperated sound and pulled away. "By my whiskers, the locks these goons have are insane!" I pulled my key out for the third time and opened it. "How are you doing that?" she asked.

"Magic. Without opening this door, can you tell what's on the other side?"

She put her ear to the door and closed her eyes. "Silence," she whispered before gently knocking. "Too thick… We can't know."

"Welp." I pulled out another flash bang and said, "Everyone turn around." After a moment's hesitation, they all did. I made sure my goggles were on tight and pulled the pin, threw the door open, and tossed it inside.

Right into a dragon's face. It exploded as I said, "Fuck me."

The dragon roared as it was blinded. I slammed the door shut as his flames hit it. "DOWN THE HALL! MOVE!" Everyone began sprinting back the way we came as the door gave in. I felt fire licking my back as my cloak burned off. I cleared the hall and jumped to the side in time to seem a jet of flame shooting into the room.

When it died down, I peeked around the corner and saw the dragon blinking, trying to see what the hell happened. I patted myself for pockets before I realized that all of my human weapons were in the cloak.

The cloak that was now on fire in the middle of the hall, burning.

My eyes widened. "AWAY FROM THE HALL!" An explosion cut off the questions and everyone pooled at the far side of the room. "Cover your eyes and your nose. Don't breathe in any of the vapor. Stop breathing if you have to."

I had mustard gas in one of those canisters. I also had thermite and more flash bangs and several other things.

And that's when the dragon started thumping down the hall. In case there is any confusion, this was a teenage dragon, larger than Kumani but still small enough to easily get around. We heard a contemptuous laugh as he continued. That laugh quickly turned to choking as he began taking in fumes. And then it turned to a noise of shock when there was another explosion.

I sighed. "There goes the Molotov…" It sounded like the dragon began slowing down, at least. "Good, the gas is getting to it." I reached down to the nearest prisoner and pulled a bandana off him. I wrapped it around my head and pulled my crossbow up and walked to where I could see him. He was stumbling down the hall, trying to clutch at his throat and continue at the same time.

I grinned as I lined up a shot. I happily plugged his head. The bolt went in a few inches and the dragon stumbled back, clutching at the wound. He fell and triggered a trap that we somehow missed on our mad flight and a large blade fell from the ceiling and sank about a foot into his stomach. His wheezing cut off as he clutched at his wounds. I reloaded.

I nodded. "Dogs, get these prisoners out of here. Into the library proper, and then leave two guards and come join us. Cats and Minnie, _sprint _down the hall as quickly as you can. Cover your noses and keep your eyes closed as well as you can. Don't breathe in at all. Move." I slung my crossbow and drew my sword as we began sprinting down the hall. I stopped just long enough to put the dragon out of his misery before getting to the end. We got into a small room with a single other door. "Shall we?" I asked, waving a hand at the door.

Rock was closest. He tried it and found that it was locked. He hissed and pulled his hammer up. "Enough sneaking around!" He swung his hammer into the door and it blew off its hinges, showing a large room with about fifteen very concerned looking people on the other side.

I stepped inside. "Ahem. Gentlemen."

There was general bedlam as each pulled out weapons.

"Now, now," I said. "You know what we had to do to get here. Do you really think you can resist us?"

"I'd rather fight and die than be tortured!" one of the ponies answered. All of the bosses nodded at that.

I sighed. "Remember, two hundred gold for any living ones."

With that, I shot one of the unicorns in the face and backed into the hall as the cats jumped into the fray. I quickly reloaded and took out another unicorn as it tried to use magic on one of the cats. I reloaded again and killed the final unicorn. Three of the other bosses noticed my contribution and rushed at me. I was in the doorway and I didn't have time to reload, so I threw the crossbow at one to slow him down and drew my sword, backing up a bit so only one could come at me at a time.

The first one to do so was an earth pony, who quickly tried bucking me with his hind legs. I jumped back and he overextended, ending up on his belly on the floor. I turned my blade sideways and thwapped him on the side of the head with the flat of the blade. He went down and I stepped up in time to meet the blade of the dog swinging it with my sword.

He grinned when he noticed my two handed stance and when he saw how much effort it took for me to block his one handed strike. He pulled back and swung again and I barely managed to block. I pulled back to try for my own hit when his offhand punched me dead in the chest and I stumbled back, the armor thankfully taking most of the damage.

He pulled his paw back, grimacing in pain at punching metal. He didn't waste much time in coming at me again, though. I was wary of his tricks and started dodging his blows rather than blocking them. I took a one handed stance and drew my knife just as the other dog stepped through the door and joined his companion in utterly ruining my day.

"Aw fuck," I muttered as I saw them both. They grinned and began attacking. I dodged one attack and parried the other with my sword, knocking it away. I swiped my knife around to try to catch the one that I parried in the side, but he jumped back and tripped over the pony, ending up back in the other room on the floor. The other swung at me again and I dodged right into the fist that caught me right in the jaw, throwing me into the wall.

His sword went on a collision course with my chest and I knew I was either dead or out of the fight when one of the guard dogs pounded out of the hall and tackled the boss attacking me, sending them both crashing onto the pony. The friendly dog pounded the face of the evil one until the boss couldn't move anymore.

The rest of the squad filed into the room at that point and I realized how badly I was shaking. "Go!" I ordered, barely managing to point at the door. They nodded and joined the cats.

I drew a shuddering breath before nodding and sheathing the dagger. I walked into the next room to see several dog bosses on the floor, many with pools of blood around them. Kat was on the ground, writhing in pain. Rock was bleeding from several wounds but he looked like he was having the time of his life as he squared off against three of the bosses at once. Miguel and Jocasta were attacking another two, standing back to back with a dagger in each hand. Minerva was dueling one boss. The friendly dogs were rushing to reinforce the cats. From what I could see, the situation was well in hand.

I knelt down to check on Kat. I rolled her onto her back so see that she had a deep gash in her side. "Ooh…" I hissed. I jumped to the closest downed boss and ripped his shirt off. It was already covered in blood, but that wasn't really an issue. I quickly wrapped it around Kat. She cried out in pain when I moved her, but she didn't hinder my efforts. I tied the makeshift bandage as tight as I could get it and she hissed.

I looked up and saw that all the bosses were down. "Rock!" He looked up from where he was prodding a boss. "Take yourself and Kat to the nearest hospital. You both earned your pay, but you can't collect it if you're dead."

He looked to Jocasta, who nodded. He sighed and rolled his eyes before gently lifting Kat up and sprinting back down the hall.

"Alright," I said. "How many of these guys are still alive?"

The squad leader began checking on his side of the room and I began checking on mine. We were left with six survivors of the original fifteen. One of those was in a pretty bad shape. Two were ponies, three were dogs, one was a cat. I collected my crossbow and looked around. "Check the doors. I swear to God if there's another fucking dragon…" There were two other doors leading out. Several tables in the room had gold, drug-type things, and a few other objects scattered around.

Miguel moved to one door and yanked it open to reveal a closet. "Huh," he said, stepping inside. He shrugged and stepped back out. "I guess big bosses gotta have janitors too."

I shrugged and nodded to the other door. One of the dogs opened it to reveal a long hallway.

I looked around our room. "Any takers?" Everyone looked away. I thought. "How much rope do you guys have left?" I asked the dogs. One of them produced a long coil. "Tie it around one of the dead bodies. Enough so that we can pull it." The dog nodded and found one of the least damaged bodies and wrapped a line around it and tied it tight. He stood, looking at me. "Two of you pick the body up and hurl it as far down the hall as you can. Then slowly pull it back." Two of them stepped up to the body and picked it up. Together, they ran to the door and hurled the body through. It flew about halfway down the hall before landing and falling flat with a nasty thud.

One of them began slowly pulling it in, triggering every trap in the hall. The body was pretty seriously fucked up by the time it got to us.

"Remove the rope and pick a different body. We'll go down the hall a ways and repeat the process." They did just that with the same results. When we finished, the hall was clear of traps.

Since subtlety was no longer required, I let one of the dogs bust the damn door down. It flew into the room and hit a pony guard. Everyone in the room turned to us. "Surrender," I calmly said as I walked into the room.

They looked at each other. "They pinched the bosses," one said.

One of the ponies eyed me. "IT'S HIM!" he screeched before running to one of the other doors. I looked at him and recognized him from the ambush with Pinkie.

The others apparently heard about it as well, because they wasted no time following the pony down the hall, retreating. The only one that stayed was the pony that was hit by the door. I think one of his legs was broken.

"Follow them," I ordered. The dogs began pounding after them on all fours as the rest of us followed at a more sedate pace. Demoralized enemies wouldn't fight as well, after all.

We heard a screech at the end of the hall, where there were stairs. I picked up my pace to see what was going on. The pony at the top of the stairs had opened the hidden door to a very confused looking Kumani. She grinned when she saw our group behind them.

The guards in the middle looked between my group and their group before throwing their weapons down in disgust. "Dogs, bind them. Kumani, send your squad leader to get the other squad of dogs on the side of the building. We're going to need them." She nodded and the squad leader went off. "Jocasta, Minerva, Miguel, take this group and two dogs outside and guard them."

"What about the unicorn?" Jocasta asked.

"Slit his throat or break his horn off. I don't care which." Miguel smiled and the unicorn began screaming, his horn lighting up. Before he could do anything, Kumani shot her hand out and with a horrifying cracking sound the horn broke off. The unicorn continued screeching. "That's that," I said. "Now shut him up." One of the dogs gagged him, thankfully. "Take them away. Minerva, when the other squad gets here, lead them to the boss room." They went. "The rest of you, come on."

They followed me as I led them back to the guard room. I pointed at the door we didn't open. "Kumani, open it." She walked over to it and kicked it and it flew down the hall. We saw a staircase at the end. "Take your squad to check it out." She nodded and they ran down the hall. One dog went up the stairs.

"Door!" he called. "Books on other side."

Kumani looked back at me. "Clear," she said. I gestured for them to come back. They did.

"To the boss room," I ordered, pointing down the hall. The dogs obediently went, though some were hesitant about walking through a hall lined with traps. None triggered, thankfully. We got to the other side with no problems. "Take any documents you find," I said, gesturing to the tables and desks. "Gold comes second. Don't touch the drugs." The dogs began rifling through desks and looking around the room for anything hidden.

"So what happened in here?" Kumani asked, checking out all the bodies. She poked her head down the hall and gasped when she saw the dragon.

"We found opposition," I answered. "I asked them to surrender and they said no. The dragon… was not happy to see us." She sighed, shaking her head. "Kat and Rock were injured so I sent them on out. We had no other casualties. What about you?"

She shrugged. "We found the secret door, but it was behind a stone wall. I had been trying to open it for a while before you showed up."

"It happens." I walked over to the closet and looked around. It did appear to be a janitor's closet. _Flo?_

"I see nothing odd about it, Navarone," she answered.

I shrugged and walked back into the main room. Each dog had a few handfuls of what looked like important documents. I heard a racket down the hall we came from and Minerva burst in, another squad with her.

"Grab the prisoners, the documents, and as much gold as you can carry," I said. "In that order, of course."

The squad leader looked around. "Which ones are alive?" he asked. I pointed them out and he nodded, ordering the dogs to get to work. When everyone had full hands—I grabbed the cat—we left, walking down the hall without a poison gas cloud in it.

"You know," I said as we got outside the building, "I do not envy that janitor."

Kumani nodded. "Me neither."

When we got to the group of prisoners, I said, "Make the prisoners carry the bosses. Then tie them all together. Kumani, fly to the front of the building and tell the dogs on the other side to gather their prisoners and to meet us at the compound. You go with them." She nodded before jumping into the air and flying over the building. It took the dogs a moment to follow my orders. "Alright, move them out. Guards on both sides and the front and back. Anyone tries to run, kill them."

With the prisoners suitably chastised, we began to move. The ex-unicorn was trailing behind and slowing the group down, until I poked him with a knife. "If you slow the group down again I'm chopping your dick off and leaving you here."

He picked up his pace.

Almost no one was on the street anymore. There were a few guards that gave our group strange looks, but they never challenged us. I knew Celestia would hear about it, though.

The other group caught up to us when we were about halfway there. They herded their prisoners in with ours and we continued, me and Kumani providing overhead support.

Thankfully, we had no problems and got them all to the compound with ease. Kumani and I landed inside the gates.

The boss was waiting for us outside. "Fantastic," he whispered, nodding. He turned to me. "Casualties?"

"Kat and Rock were wounded. I sent them to the hospital. We captured six bosses, recovered several documents and some gold, and captured several guards."

He looked back to the group. "I see that. Why do you have so many guards but not as many bosses?"

"Because we ran into a dragon that destroyed my crowd control weapons. We had to get rid of them the old fashioned way."

He nodded. "It's a shame, but that's the way it is." He called out, "Get the bosses, documents, and gold inside. The unimportant prisoners stay here." The dogs began moving things inside. A few minutes later, all the important prisoners and all the documents were inside. "I don't need these others," he said before turning to me. "Your choice. Kill them or give them to the ponies?"

"Give them to the ponies. It'll be seen as a gesture of good will."

He nodded. "Good idea, human. You heard him, boys! Take these prisoners to the prison." Most of them looked happy at the idea of going to a pony prison. He turned back to his group of mercenaries. "I suppose you want your pay. Give me a minute."

He went back inside. "Is he trustworthy?" Jocasta asked.

"He paid us for our first job," I answered.

"He paid well, too," Kumani added.

Minerva said, "Dogs always pay debts. We are loyal like that. The bank is closed, but he can give you each checks. That's probably what he's doing."

A moment later, he came out with a few strips of paper. "The banks closed," he said. "If you go to the bank at this address," he said, holding up one of his papers, "they'll redeem these checks. Nav and Kumani know where it is, so this is for you," he said, handing the address to Jocasta. He then passed out checks. "I assume you two cats can get the checks to Kat and Rock. I put their descriptions on those, so if either of them dies of their injuries don't think you can cash them. Now, I'm going to bed. You're all dismissed." He walked back inside.

I turned to Kumani. "Ideas?"

"I'm also going to bed. Sorry. You're welcome to come, if you want."

I shook my head. "Nah. I need to go to my safe. Gotta pick up a few weapons to replace those I used. Thankfully I made plenty."

Jocasta said, "You should also visit Kat, Nav. I think she would like that."

Kumani growled, steam coming from her nostrils. "Chill," I said. She relaxed a little, still glaring at Jocasta. "I'll see you guys later. I'm going back to my apartment." I jumped into the air. Kumani joined me in the air a moment later, but we flew in different directions.

I landed in front of my apartment and wasted no time entering. I saw that the light was off, which wasn't a problem. Then I saw Pinkie sitting awkwardly in a chair. "Pinkie? What are you doing?"

She fumbled with a controller before light flooded the room. I saw that she was blushing. I also noticed that her hair was completely flat again. I shrugged and closed the door behind me.

"I forgot that you could see in the dark," she said, still blushing a bit. "We need to talk."

"Give me, like, five minutes. I want to get out of this armor. Or hell, we can talk while I'm getting out of it. Either works. What did you want to talk about?"

"I… I want to… I want you to know why Rarity and I did what we did."

_This'll be good_. I walked to a couch and started putting armor on it. "I'm listening," I said as I took stuff off.

"I wanted to see you smile…" she started. "You were always moping, always alone and aloof. You never seemed to like my parties… Most of the ponies didn't seem to like you either. When you finally became normal… You wanted to throw it all away. I got everypony to be so nice to you that week! Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash taught you to fly! Rarity used you as a model. The Cutie Mark Crusaders loved you. Everypony in town talked to you. But… But you still wanted to change back! I asked Rarity for advice and she said that we should show you that you had a chance at a relationship and a love life as a pony. I… I just wanted to make you smile, Nav! That's all I ever wanted…" She was near tears at the end.

I crossed my arms. "It didn't work."

She gulped, looking down. "I know," she whispered. "I'm so, so sorry… I just want you to smile, Nav… Please, is there _anything _I can do to make it up to you? Anything at all?"

"No." I grabbed the check and started to walk into the room with the safe, but she stopped me.

"Please! Please, Nav!"

"The answer isn't going to change. You fucked up, Pinkie."

She jumped in front of me. "There has to be something!"

I walked around her and didn't say anything. I heard her plop to the ground. I opened the safe, set the check in it, grabbed a few replacement weapons, stuffed some paper and ink into a pocket, and went back to the foyer. Pinkie was staring at where I stood when I walked around her, tears gently streaming down her face.

_I'm starting to think I shouldn't have brought her._ "If you're going to keep crying, make sure to drink plenty of water. You'll get dehydrated otherwise. And don't forget to sleep; we have a date tomorrow, remember?"

I closed the door behind me as she started to wail. _Kill them with kindness._ I flew off into the night, leaving the house of despair behind.

I didn't know where the hospital was, but it didn't take me long to find a guard that did. We flew into the air and he pointed it out for me. I thanked him and went on my way.

I landed, went inside, and walked up to the front desk. The pony behind the door was the same pony from the library. "Nope," she said as soon as she saw me. She turned and started walking further into the hospital. "Nope nope nope." She continued saying that until she was out of sight.

A moment later another nurse came out. "Lights said there was a monster out here," she said. "Did you see it?"

I shook my head. "Nope. By any chance, does she work at the library?"

The nurse nodded. "Yeah. She moonlights here as a receptionist. While I'm out here, can I help you?"

"Yeah. Did a cat get admitted here an hour or so ago?"

She nodded. "Two of them. One was really bad off. We just barely managed to save her. The other one… Celestia, he was beaten up bad but he was walking around like it was nothing! As soon as he got healed he left."

"Is the girl still here?"

"Yes. She's resting."

"Any chance I can see her?"

I heard one of her hooves tapping on the floor as she thought. "She didn't have any other visitors… And we don't know much about her. Don't even know how she got hurt… Alright. She's in room thirteen, through the right door. Can you answer questions about and for her?"

"I can tell you what I know."

"Do you know how she got hurt?"

"Mercenary work. She was hit by either a sword or an axe, I think. I didn't see it happen; I was too busy fighting."

She grimaced, looking away for a moment before turning back to me. "Does she have any family in the city?"

"Nope. She has a few friends, but that's it. I don't think she ever even knew her family."

"Is she violent?"

"She might not react well to waking up in a strange place. I can stay here all night, though. I'll keep her calm, if you allow me to."

"We can't aggravate her wounds. She was really badly injured."

"When will she be able to leave?"

"In two or three days, depending on how well she recovers. She'll have to move tenderly, though; we're good, but we can't fix everything wrong with everypony. Does she have a history of stuff like this?"

I let out a laugh. "Something like that. It's usually her doing the injuring—or more likely, killing. She's such a sweet little kitty, eh?"

The nurse blanched a bit at the idea of having someone like Kat here. Or maybe at my callousness. "Is… is there any reason the big one left?"

"He's a dick. Or maybe he wanted to go get her other friends. I don't know."

She shook her head sadly. "Alright. I don't have any other questions."

"See you later, then, miss nurse." She nodded and went back to presumably find the receptionist. I entered the door on the right and kept walking until I found door thirteen. I let myself inside and saw Kat in her pitiful state, wilted and asleep on her hospital bed. She didn't look like she was wearing any clothes.

I thought back and called up her words from right before she raped me the first time. "I remembered seeing you when you were unconscious," I whispered, stepping up to the bed. "Stripped down. Helpless. Like a little wounded kitten." I reached a hand out to stroke her fur. "I remember… And yet here I am. Why me, of everyone that could be here?" I sighed, stepping back from the bed. I grabbed a chair before realizing that there actually were chairs and sat down._ I guess this is a bipedal room._ I pulled a table over and began to write, Flo dictating to me.

I was pulled from my writing reverie when Flo said, "She's waking up." I actually wrote that on the paper before I realized she was talking about Kat.

I blinked and looked around, stretching. I saw Kat coughing lightly, trying to sit up. I set my quill down and hopped up, walking over to the bed. "Relax, Kat," I said, putting a hand on her shoulder to keep her lying down. "You're safe. Well, safeish."

"What… where am I?"

"A hospital. You got hurt during the fight. I had Rock carry you to the hospital."

She peeked under the blanket and gasped. "How long was I out?" she asked when she lowered it.

"Around eight to ten hours. Ponies have healing magic. You'll still need to be careful and you'll need to stay here for a little while longer, but the actual wound should be closed unless you aggravate it."

"How did the fight go?"

"We got six bosses out alive. You were the only casualty. Jocasta has your check. Redeem it at the bank and you'll get your money."

She sighed, leaning back. "I don't care about the money. I just wanted a chance to work with you again. To… redeem myself, perhaps."

I chuckled. "You don't need to worry about that. There's no way I'll forgive you, no matter what you do. You hungry? They might be serving breakfast now, and the nurses would be happy to know you're awake."

"W-what?"

"I asked if you were hungry."

She looked away. "The pink pony… What is she to you?"

"Nothing. A friend of sorts, maybe. Why?"

She said, "She promised retribution if I so much as looked at you funny. She said she was guilty of worse than I and would go to any length to make sure nothing bad ever happened to you again. She said it with such a… a _coldness_… that I was scared out of my wits. At first I wanted to avoid you, but when Jocasta told me you were concerned… I thought you had forgiven me. I wanted to prove to you that I'm more than what you saw on the March. I'm more than a mindless torturer, bent on pleasures of the flesh and killing."

"I'm not a child, Kat. I know you aren't. That doesn't mean I won't flinch whenever you touch me or feel my skin crawl whenever you look longingly at my wings. And that doesn't mean you can go back in time and undo what you did. Now, are you hungry?"

She looked down. "…Yes."

I nodded. "Alright, I'll go see if I can find a nurse or something." I turned to go.

"Wait." I looked back. "Where are the others?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. Rock left as soon as he got healed. I got here last night. A few nurses have looked in, but you haven't had any visitors."

She looked down at that and I made it out the door. When I had it shut behind me, I quickly found a nurse and asked, "Who's in charge of feeding patients?"

"The nurse assigned to the patient," he answered. "Who are you asking about?"

"The patient in room thirteen. She just woke up and is hungry."

He closed his eyes, muttering something. A moment later he nodded, opening his eyes. "I believe the nurse for that room is Blackberry. She's a black mare, a temporary volunteer. She's… somewhere around here. Sorry I can't help more, but I need to get back to work."

"Thanks, bro." He nodded and continued meandering down the hall. I started looking around for the nurse. I got several looks from staff that weren't Blackberry.

"Can I help you?" someone asked. I turned around to see it was a guard.

"I'm looking for a nurse named Blackberry," I answered.

"And can I have your name?"

"Sir Navarone."

His eyes went wide. "I've heard of you! The princess is looking for you."

I waved a hand. "She can wait. I need to make sure my friend is taken care of first. Do you know where Blackberry is?"

I heard a loud clopping behind me and I whirled around in time to barely dodge a black blur. She collided with the guard, sending both of them to the floor.

I walked over. The mare had a random berry as a cutie mark. "Blackberry, I presume?" I mused, helping her and the guard to their feet.

She giggled airily. "Yep. I heard somepony was looking for me and then I remembered that I had a patient I needed to check up on and then I got in a hurry and ran into you!" She somehow got all of that out in one breath. She ended it looking at the guard.

"Yes," I said, "the patient in room thirteen is awake and hungry. I was looking for you to tell you."

She gasped and began sprinting down the hall again. The guard and I watched. "She has a nice flank," he commented.

"You're just saying that because she was all over you a second ago." She did, though. "I'm going to make sure she doesn't kill Kat. I'll find the princess later."

He sighed and nodded. "Friends are important, of course. Just don't keep the princess waiting long."

I nodded and started walking back to Kat's room. As I walked, I noticed a large collection of confused patients and nurses looking the way I was going. I assumed Blackberry left an impression. I just continued my walk.

It took me a few minutes to get there. When I did, I saw Blackberry busying herself around Kat, who took it all with a longsuffering silence. "Found your nurse," I commented as I entered.

Kat sighed.

"Oh, don't you worry!" Blackberry said in a happy tone. "We'll have you up and well in no time at all."

"She'd be better sooner if she got food," I commented, scratching at the whiskers beginning to grow on my face.

Blackberry gasped and sprinted back out the door. I just barely managed to step aside in time.

Kat said, "She's excitable."

"Yep. I imagine she'd be a monster in bed. You should tell her that threesomes are part of a cat's natural healing process."

"Wouldn't that be taking advantage of her?"

"Yeah, probably. Oh well. Maybe Jocasta instead?"

"But she knows that it's not a part of cat healing."

"I could tell her that it was a human custom."

"She wouldn't care. I don't think she likes you."

"I know. It's a shame; I'd love to plow that little pussy." I pulled a chair around to face her bed and sat. "So what have you been up to since I left Egypt? Still torturing people?"

"I've been doing a lot of undercover work. I can't really talk about it."

"Eh, fair enough. I've been dealing with changelings and crazy mares. It's been interesting."

"Not to sound… well, you _do _realize dragons are crazier than most other species, right? And that they grow to be pretty huge?"

"What I started with Kumani was meant to be a fling. She got attached and I'm starting to like her a bit more, too. She might go psychobitch on me eventually, but unless she straight up kills me I don't think I'll have to worry too much."

She smiled. "It isn't _you _that she'll kill. It's all the other mollies that want you. Dragons are jealous lovers. Very greedy. Any female that catches your eye will likely meet a poor end."

"I'll keep that in mind if we progress far past the fling stage."

She opened her mouth but the door slammed open and Blackberry sprinted inside, a food tray on her back. She quickly set it down in front of Kat, who looked at it in disdain.

"What… what _is _this?" she asked, poking at a gelatinous mess.

Blackberry shrugged. "I dunno. The cafeteria lady called it soylent green and laughed. I know better than to ask questions about the food."

"Is it safe for cats to eat?" I asked.

"I wouldn't feed _my _cats any of the food here," Blackberry answered. "But they could probably eat it. Why?"

"Uh. Have you even _looked _at your patient?" I asked.

"Of course I—OH CELESTIA YOU'RE A KITTY!" Kat jerked back as Blackberry suddenly got in her face. "I'll play with you and pet you and dress you and—ooh!" She suddenly leaned back. "That explains why there was a tray of cat food in the cafeteria…" She grabbed the tray and sprinted back out.

Kat watched her leave with horror in her eyes. "Don't leave me with her," she whispered.

"About that…" I said as I began backing to the door. "I kinda have stuff to do today."

"Please!" she pleaded. "Don't leave me, not with her!"

"I can't stay, Kat. I really have to go. I might be able to come by later, but no promises. Celestia needs to see me, I still need to get my pay, and I have a party I have to go to. Remember, you need to rest and stay dormant for a while. Now, I'll see you later."

"Wait!" The closing door cut off the rest of what she was going to say. I began walking to the entrance. I hopped out of the way of a speeding Blackberry and made it with no further troubles. I knew how boring it was to be in a hospital bed with no company, so I was planning on trying to stop by later if I could, but it made me smile to let Kat think she was going to suffer like that.

When I finally got to Celestia, she was too busy to make time to see me. She was meeting dignitaries or making out with foals or something. The guard wasn't specific.

Given the lack of anything better to do, I went to find Shining Armor to tell him about the library. Someone would have to go down there and clean those bodies out before they started stinking.

I found him directing guards not far from where I found Celestia. He looked happy to see me. "I talked with Celestia," he said.

I held up a hand and he stopped. "It can wait. There's a bunch of dead bodies in the hidden tunnels of the library. You should probably get someone on that if it hasn't been reported yet."

He blinked. "What."

I explained what happened. When I got finished he sighed and said, "You have to stop doing stuff like this without Celestia's permission, Nav. I understand that being a knight gives you some special privileges, but I don't think one of them is being allowed to form a task force completely comprised of foreign troops to take out crime bosses in Equestria. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's illegal."

"Well, we had no casualties. They had plenty. I think it turned out for the best, all things told."

"I didn't deny that. If there _is _a next time, tell me first. At the very least I'd like to know so I can organize cleanup efforts before the bodies start to smell."

"Fair. If I have the chance I will. Now, about your talk with Celestia."

"She told me… several things. I can't for the life of me approve of them, but I know some of them were necessary. I know in my heart that she's wrong, but she ordered me not to tell anypony about what was done to you."

I crossed my arms. "Let me tell you the story of how I got raped the first time. When your sister and I fought Trixie, I got turned into a pony. The how isn't important. I wasn't used to that body. I could barely walk. I couldn't fight at all. And as it turned out, the body was very attractive. Now fast forward a few days. I was helping some girls—fillies—with something. I got caught in a net by one of what I thought was a friend. She started dragging me off towards town. We were met halfway by another 'friend' who had something to hide me and something to gag me. So I got dragged into town. The need it/want it spell was used for the first rape—and I was a virgin, not that it mattered. But I was left in that room with the one I fucked. I couldn't defend myself because I could barely move. I tried reasoning with her, I tried making her feel guilty. I made her understand that what she was doing was wrong. And in the morning, she helped her friend rape me."

He looked sick. "Why? Why would she do that, if she knew it was wrong?"

"She gave her word that she would help her friend. She knew something was wrong, but she did it anyway." He looked away. I continued, "In my world, when a couple gets married, many people call the married couple one person. They go from two entities to one. And Celestia ordered you to tell no one _else _of what you heard. But she didn't say you couldn't tell yourself." I patted him on the shoulder. "I'm going to go find Pinkie. Think about it, Shiny." He sighed. I took off, flying to my apartment.

I found Pinkie curled up on one of the beds. I didn't know if she was sleeping or not, but it also didn't matter. I walked over to the safe, opened it, and asked, "Are you awake?"

"Go 'way," she mumbled.

"Can't. I need your help."

"I don't deserve to look at you."

"Shut up, Pinkie. Come on, I can't carry five thousand bits by myself." She didn't answer. "Look, I'll give you five thousand bits if you help me." She still didn't answer. I sighed, set the check on the other bed, and sat down next to her. She started shifting away from me until I reached a hand out and started gently stroking her back. I couldn't reach her belly so this would have to do.

"Why?" she whimpered.

"Because it kills you. It reminds you every day of what you did and how wrong it was. It makes you feel absolutely terrible." I leaned my head down to her ears. "And you won't leave because you know you deserve it." I leaned back up and continued stroking her. "Are you ready to go?"

"Y-yes…" she whispered, sniffling.

I stood and grabbed the check. "Let's go, then. Wait, can you carry five thousand bits?" She nodded, not looking at me as she got to her feet. I saw how muted her coat looked and how flat her hair was.

We got a few blocks down the street when I got an idea. "Pinkie, a friend of mine is in the hospital here. Do you think we could go cheer her up after we drop the bits off?"

"Can… can I throw a party?"

I shrugged. "Make it a muted one. She got hurt pretty bad and can't celebrate. I don't know how well she would enjoy one of your parties, but it might cheer her up."

"Who is it?" she quietly asked.

"Kat."

She stopped. I stopped when I noticed she did and turned to look at her. I saw how her pupils shrank and how the blue in her eyes seemed very prominent. "W-w-what happened?" she asked, her eyes returning to some manner of normalcy.

I shrugged. "She was helping me with something when she took a sword to the side. Cut her up pretty badly. She's feeling pretty down; none of her other friends came by to visit her. I know how good of a friend you are, though. She would just love to meet you in a better setting."

She laughed nervously. "I… Oh." She sounded like she was on the verge of tears again, and we finally continued walking.

"She has had a pretty hard life," I idly commented as we continued. "Doesn't have too many friends, either. Being trained as an assassin, torturer, and seducer does that, I suppose. She was probably taken from her family at a young age. It's no surprise she wanted to see me as soon as possible when I got here; it's a shame I didn't take the time to talk to her more the first day. She seemed hesitant ever since. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"N-n-no…"

"Well, if you say so. Celestia did say you were one of the elements of harmony. I don't know which one you represent, but surely a friend good enough to be one of the elements wouldn't break any of the tenets." She nervously laughed again. "Are you okay, Pinkie? You see a bit off today."

"I'm… I'm not feeling well."

"I wish you had told me sooner! I wouldn't have made you come out here. I can take you back to our room, if you like. Or we can go straight to the hospital and you can get them to check on you."

"I'll be okay…"

"I know what you said to Kat, Pinkie. And I do. Not. Approve. When we get to the hospital, you are going to apologize."

She gulped. "You really are a terrible pony…" she whispered. "Your evil isn't mean or direct. It's acidic. It eats away at a pony until they just want to give up."

I didn't answer. We made it to the bank in silence. I passed the check to the teller, who looked at it in silence for several long minutes before looking back up to me, adjusting her glasses, and saying, "Let me go get my supervisor." I nodded and she walked to the back.

The same griffin from before quickly walked out. When he saw me, he face-taloned before walking up to me. "Sir, can you come with me to a side office?"

I nodded and Pinkie and I both followed him. "When making any withdrawals over a thousand bits," he said, "we have our clients fill out a form." He passed a sheet of paper across the table. "Would you kindly fill this out?"

"You got a pencil or something?" He passed me a quill and a bottle of ink. I smiled at the questions on the sheet. Name, date of birth, race, home town, town of current residence, how the money was earned, and which bank I had my other funds stored in. Half of my answers would mean nothing to him. I gave him a shit-eating grin as I passed the paper back.

"Um. Sir, how were you born almost a thousand years in the future?"

"I come from a different dimension. We use a different year system there."

He blinked before reading more. "This town doesn't exist."

"Different dimension."

"You… you earned this money killing… _bitches_?"

"Well, there was only one female dog, actually. That word means something else where I'm from too. It was mercenary work, clearing out a crime den. Captured around thirty-six criminals. Killed some others. I headed the company that attacked."

He sighed and continued reading. "You don't have a bank?" he asked when he looked up the last time.

"Nope."

"So… what are you going to do with this money?"

I shrugged. "Give it away to someone that needs it, probably."

He looked back down at the check. "Six thousand two hundred bits. And you would just give it away?"

"Yeah. I already got rid of the ten thousand I was given last time. It didn't go to a particularly good cause, but whatever."

He looked back down at the sheet of questions before looking back up to me before looking back down to the check and sighing. "Mister Navarone, how can you go from killing to giving your money away like this?"

"I like killing and I don't care about money. I have enough for me to live off and that's enough. However, there are plenty of people out there that need the money. So I earn it and give it away."

He let out a small laugh. "A murderous philanthropist," he muttered. "Alright, Mister Navarone. Your check is cleared. If you'll come with me back to the front room, I'll get your money together." We both stood and all three of us entered the main room of the bank. He whistled sharply and the naga guards from before came out. He nodded to one of them before jerking his head and leading one of them to the safe. A few minutes later they both came walking out, the naga carrying a large bag.

"Put it on Pinkie," I said with a nod to her. The naga shrugged and gently set it on her back. Her legs wobbled a bit, but she held up fine. With that, we left. When we were a few feet away from the bank I asked, "So how many bits do you need, Pinkie?"

"N-none." Her voice was strained.

"Think of all the parties you could hold with that much money. Think of how many smiles and laughs you could make."

"I… I didn't earn it."

"But I did. And I like making people smile, Pinkie. However, I am not good at it. You are. I made this money and I should be the one to choose how it's used. Is it truly so evil to ask that you make ponies smile for me?"

She whimpered slightly. "N-no…"

"Good. I expect you to be throwing a lot of parties when we get back, Pinkie. After we drop the bits off, we should go to the hospital. We'll need to hurry if you want to see Kat before it's time to prepare for our date."

Flo whispered, "What you are doing is the worst kind of evil. I'm honestly ashamed to be inside of you right now." She sounded very, very disappointed. I actually felt myself flinch at her tone. "You can look at her and tell how much she regrets what she did. She knows it was wrong and she knows she hurt you. Why can't you just tell her that you forgive her? You don't even have to mean it!"

Aside from pettiness… I didn't have an answer. I looked down at Pinkie and saw how absolutely depressed she looked. I had been the nicest person and yet I was treating her like trash._ Is this really what I've become? So powerless in my own life that I resort to bringing others down to feel better?_

Now _I _felt bad.

We got to the apartment in mutual silence. I opened the door and let her in, closing it behind us. She slunk off into the bedroom and I followed. She let the bag of bits hit the floor and joined them on the ground, just looking down.

I sighed, looking at her. I felt my shoulders sag. "Pinkie, come here please."

She slowly got to her hooves and walked up to me, eyes still on the ground. I knelt down and wrapped my arms around her. She flinched. I whispered, "I forgive you, Pinkie." I felt her body seem to sag against mine and it took me a moment to realize that her legs gave out. I held her as she wept silently over my shoulder.

I don't know how long we were there. When she finally pulled away from me, I saw that some of the color had returned to her coat. "Why?" she whispered yet again.

"I saw how badly you regretted it. I saw how bad you felt… I want to hate you but I can't. I want you to suffer… but you don't deserve it." I sighed. "I'm sorry for hurting you like I did."

A bit more color returned. "That's okay, Nav… I understand. Does that mean… Can we…?"

"I will give you the date you demanded and very probably no more. I rejected you for several reasons. The rape was just one of many."

"But… but I can make you smile!"

I shook my head. "Not now, Pinkie. Don't ruin the moment." She sighed and looked away. "Now, we still need to visit Kat. Her nurse was a crazy cat lady and I don't want to leave her like that." Well, I kind of wanted to, but I wasn't going to be a dick about it.

"Do we have to?"

"Yes. Now Pinkie yourself up. You're just depressing like this."

"It would be a lot easier if you…" She leaned in and whispered something in my ear.

I pulled back and saw she was grinning. "Dammit Pinkie."

"That's not a no-o-o!" she sang.

I sighed.

A few long minutes later, we were on our way to the hospital. Pinkie was back to her normal self, smiling a wide smile and laughing at a joke only she knew. I could tell from the way she was looking at me that she wanted me to ask.

When we finally got to the hospital, she asked, "Nav, do you wanna hear a joke?"

"No thanks."

"Knock knock!"

"Nobody's home."

"Pinkie!"

"Go away."

"Pinkie _Pie_!" She started laughing like it was the funniest joke in the world. Everyone in the waiting room was staring at her with confusion in their eyes.

I just shook my head and walked further into the hospital, going to room thirteen. When I opened the door, I saw a scary yet adorable sight: Kat had been meticulously groomed and a bow was gracing her head. She was glaring daggers at a Blackberry that was just talking and talking and talking.

"Damn, Kat. All dolled up just to see me?" I asked as I stepped inside. Pinkie followed me and giggled at Kat's expression and looks.

When Kat heard and saw Pinkie, her ears fell back and she leaned back into her bed, trying to hide herself.

"Ooh, you have more guests!" Blackberry said, breaking off her mindless tirade of incessant chattering.

"Yep. Unfortunately, Miss Blackberry, I need you to leave for now. I need to talk to Kat about mercenary business, something people not in our company don't need to know about."

She blinked. "But… I am in your company! I'm right here."

"Our mercenary company. The members of our group."

Her perpetual grin widened. "Do you need a nurse?"

"Nah, we got a doc already. He's good on help."

She looked from me to Kat to me again. "If you have a doctor, why is she here?"

I crossed my arms. "I would tell you, but that's company business."

"But I'm in your company!"

I face-palmed. Pinkie giggled at my distress and said, "We want to talk to Kat privately."

Blackberry giggled. "Oh! Why didn't you just say so? I have other patients to see anyway." She happily trotted at the door, finally not sprinting.

When she was gone and the door was closed, Pinkie said, "Geez, what an airhead." With that, she sneezed and confetti came out.

Kat and I shared a longsuffering look. I pulled a chair over as she ripped the bow out of her hair and threw it as far away as she could get it. "I can't believe you left me with her!" she said, her voice angry.

"Yeah well you know. I brought you more company. Still no sign of Jocasta or Rock?"

She sighed, shaking her head. "I've been lonely. Well, I've been trying to be lonely, but that insufferable mare…" She bared her claws as she pantomimed strangling someone.

"If you want, I can check you out."

She waved a paw. "You do that every time you see me anyway."

"I can't help it, you're hot. But I mean, check you out of the hospital." I heard Pinkie mutter something. "What was that, Pinkie?" I asked, turning to her.

"Nothing, Nav!" she sweetly said.

"Uh huh." I turned back to Kat and asked, "Did you ever get your weapons and clothes back?"

She nodded. "They're in one of the drawers here."

"Alright. I'll go find the head nurse and ask her if you can leave. Pinkie, you stay here and try to cheer her up. And remember what I told you."

Kat gave me a look of horror at that. Pinkie gave me a sad look, trying to make me change my mind. I left the room with them both staring at my back.

I wasted no time finding someone that looked like a nurse and asking, "Who can clear patients for leaving?"

She shrugged. "If the patient wants to leave, he or she can. We don't like letting the sick leave, but we can't exactly force them to stay. Just tell somepony that you're leaving before you do."

"I'm taking the patient from room thirteen home, then."

She looked at me like I was stupid. "Why are you telling _me_?"

I shrugged. "Who else should I tell?"

"The patient's nurse or doctor."

I sighed. "Do you know where I can find Blackberry?"

She looked at me in horror. "Oh, that poor patient. She's probably zooming through the halls. She does that a lot."

We heard a loud clopping from down the hall. We turned to look and saw that it was Blackberry coming right at us. I sighed and stepped in front of her. She didn't even try to stop, just collided with me and sent us both tumbling to the ground.

"You really should look where you're going," she commented, sitting on my stomach.

"While your flank is really nice, I'd prefer it not on my stomach."

"Are you complimenting me or calling me fat?"

"I'm taking Kat out of the hospital. The nurse over there told me to tell you."

She gasped. "Why would you do that? I want to play with her some more!"

"I have good reasons. Now, can you either get off me or move back a few inches and start rubbing?"

"You can't take her if you can't get up!"

"And you can't play with her if you're sitting on me."

She sat up, rubbing her chin with a hoof. "It appears that we are at an impasse," she remarked.

"You also run the risk of getting fired if we continue blocking the hall like this."

"Hm…"

I grabbed the hoof she was using to keep herself steady on my chest and pulled it, making her tumble further onto me. I wrapped my arms around her and huskily whispered, "Not that I'm complaining. Think we could… take this somewhere more private?" I gently kissed the tip of her nose.

"Why would I want to sit on you in private? That just sounds weird."

I've never met a girl so completely immune to flirting. At least Jocasta shoots me down. This girl just doesn't even seem to understand it. The random nurse I was talking to before I got piledrived was shaking her head sadly at my attempt. "Don't bother trying to flirt with her," she said. "It all bounces off."

I sighed. "Well, I'm bored." I widened my legs, making her hooves lose contact with the floor, and rolled over so I was on top of her. I got to my feet and started walking back to Kat's room.

Blackberry hopped up and jumped in front of me. "I'm not letting you take my kitty!"

I crossed my arms. "What's her name?"

"…Miss Mittens?"

I walked around her. She jumped in front of me again. "What's her career?" I asked.

"Um. Interior decorating?"

I jumped over her and continued walking. She jumped in front of me one more time. "How was she hurt?"

"Fell down some stairs?"

I knelt down, grabbed both of her cheeks, and kissed her. When I pulled away, she was actually blushing. "She's my kitty," I whispered. I let her go and walked around her again. She sighed and just walked behind me. "You know," I said, "if you really like cats, you could move to Egypt. I'm sure more nurses and the like would be welcome there."

"Why Eygpt?"

"Because that's the land of the cat kingdom."

She gasped. "Kitties ruling a kingdom?! That's so adorable! Is the princess an itty bitty cutesy wootsy kitty?"

"I don't know if they even have a princess. I know the king was an okay dude. I helped put him in power, so he owes me quite a lot."

"Hm… How many ponies are over there?"

"Fuck if I know. I'm not a travel guide. I know you couldn't pay me to live there, though."

"But… kitties!"

"Sure, they're sexier than ponies. But they're also considerably more dangerous. All in all, fuck that noise."

"Psh. Kitties aren't dangerous! You just gotta treat them right." It amuses me that she didn't deny that they were sexy.

I didn't answer. Partly because we were there and partly because I didn't care. I opened the door and walked into an icy silence. "Kat, get your clothes on. We're leaving."

"HAH!" Blackberry said, jumping in front of me again. "You don't know her name either!"

"…My name is Katrina," Kat said. "Kat for short."

Blackberry blushed and looked away, her ears drooping. "Oh."

"Now come on, Kat. You need to collect your pay while Jocasta's still willing to give you the check. Killing people pays good, and you deserve the money."

"HAH AGAIN!" Blackberry yelled. "I know such a cute little kitty wouldn't kill anypony!"

Kat ahemmed. "I'm a professional assassin. I kill for a living."

Blackberry's eyes went wide as she whirled around, slapping me with her tail and staring at Kat as she got out of bed. I did my share of staring too; I had seen it all before, but that didn't mean I didn't like being reminded.

She reached down into a drawer, bending over just nicely. She pulled out a set of bloody clothes and sighed.

I shrugged. "Least you're alive. Most people don't recover from getting hit with an axe like that."

"True enough," Kat said. "But I think it was a sword. It was one or the other. Not like it matters." She began putting clothes on. She stumbled when putting on pants, and Blackberry and I both jumped to catch her.

Pinkie somehow beat us both. I nodded and backed off. Blackberry said, "If she's stumbling just from putting clothes on, she needs to be in the hospital."

I crossed my arms. "Kat?"

"I'm not staying here," she answered, gently pushing Pinkie away. She finished putting her clothes on and started pulling weapons out of the drawer. She nodded when she had everything. "Okay, let's go."

"Take a few steps," I said. She walked towards me but stumbled on the last step. I caught her. "Okay, when you get back to your apartment, you aren't leaving until you're well." I gently picked her up. "Pinkie, I'll carry Kat back. Go get ready for the party. I'll be at our apartment shortly."

Pinkie asked, "Are you sure, Nav?"

I nodded. "I can move faster by flying." I backed out of the door, making sure not to hit Kat on the edges. I began walking to the exit, Pinkie and Blackberry trailing behind. "Just like old times, eh?"

Kat smiled. "Except this time I'm hurt and you're not flying yet."

"And there won't be a happy ending. Ah well. No reason to risk pissing Kumani off while you're still hurt."

"It doesn't… hurt, per se. It just keeps seizing up."

"If the nurses say you'll be fine, you'll be fine. But you must stay in bed. No competing in the tournament. When you go to get your pay, make Rock carry you. He's a big boy and can handle it. Don't let Miguel touch you, though. That little fucker gives me goose bumps."

"What is a… goose bump?"

"Evolutionary adaptation in humans. It alerts us to potential danger. They also show up when it's cold. Essentially, they're little bumps that push out on our skin. It's akin to your fur standing up straight."

We were finally at the door. I set Kat down for a moment to remove my ring and pocket it before grabbing her again. "Ready?" I asked.

"Of course! You know how much I adore flying."

I turned to look at Pinkie for a moment. "Remember, I'll meet you at the apartment."

She was eyeing Kat pensively. She looked up when I spoke and nodded. "See you soon!"

I jumped and just barely managed to get into the air; it's a lot harder to take off with a passenger. In a few seconds, we were high above the city. "So where's your apartment?" I asked.

"Can we just… fly for a few minutes?" she asked, looking at me with what she probably thought was a cute cat face.

"Sure. It'll take even Pinkie a few minutes to get ready." I lazily floated around the skies, giving Kat as much of a view as she could get in my arms.

When she got her fill, she said, "We're in the building with the red roof." She pointed to the general area and I saw what she was talking about. I dove at it, letting my wings make minute changes to the flight path until we were on a collision course with it. I slowly pulled out of the dive, ending with us slowly floating circles around it as I got closer and closer to the ground. "Jim will be happy to see you again," she commented as we finally touched down next to the front door.

"Jim?" I asked, not recognizing the name.

"Jim Johnson. The king." Oh yeah. The king with the most boring name ever.

"I don't have too long to see him and he's probably out anyway. He might be at the party I'm going to, though."

She nodded as she waved the guards down. "He will be." I ducked into the building. "I was supposed to go, but I don't think I'll make it like this. Jocasta will probably take my place."

I grinned. "Shame. I can't flirt with her this time; Pinkie demanded a date for her services in the past."

"Ugh, that mare… I don't know how you stand her."

"With more patience than a god. I also take long, long breaks." We were into the anteroom of the building now. "Which wa—holy shit." This place was outright opulent.

She grinned at my reaction. "Some ponies go all out for royalty. Go up one of the staircases, it doesn't matter which." I could see that they both went to the same place, essentially; they started in one place and twisted until they ended up in the same. I shrugged and picked the left one and carried Kat's battered form up.

When I got to the top she pointed me left. I went that way and entered a long hall. "Which room?" I asked.

"Fourth on the right." I carried her to it and pushed it open. Inside was a tastefully decorated room, obviously designed for a female. I set her down on the bed.

"You need anything before I go?" I asked.

"I can think of a way to make myself feel better…" she said with a smirk.

I sighed. "I wish. But I don't have time."

She waved a paw. "Not that. I meant having you raid Jocasta's panty drawer."

My eyes lit up. "Oh hell yes! Point me the right way!"

She grinned. "Across the hall." I walked across the hall and put my ear to the door. I heard nothing. I tried knocking and got no answer. I tried the handle but it was locked.

I pulled out my key, opened it, and peeked in. It certainly looked like a room that might belong to Jocasta. I looked around quickly and stepped inside, leaving the door open. I walked over to the dresser and opened it.

My face went white.

This was not Jocasta's room.

I very silently closed the drawer, walked out of the room, closed the door, and walked across the hall. Kat was smirking. When she saw my expression, she burst out laughing.

"Dried. Faces," I finally said.

She stopped laughing. "Wait, what?"

"There were. Dried faces. In that drawer."

Her eyes went wide. "What in the…" She gulped as her eyes flicked to my back. "Miguel…"

I closed my eyes and clenched my fist, saying a quick prayer before turning around. Before me stood Miguel, just staring. Not glaring. Not blinking. Just… staring.

"…Hi." I said.

He didn't say anything.

"Want to help me raid Jocasta's panty drawer?" I slowly asked.

"That would be fun," he answered, still staring dead at me.

That was the most awkward panty raid I have ever done.


	62. Chapter Sixty

Chapter Sixty—Date night

When I finally escaped the cat house, I quickly flew to my apartment. I wanted to wipe that memory from my mind as quickly as possible. What I found when I got back was surprising enough to remove the event from my mind.

As soon as I stepped in the door, I got tackled from the side. Whoever did it was an inexperienced tackler, and before we hit the ground I had it on the bottom, one hand around its throat and a dagger in the other, ready to send it back to hell where it belonged.

Then I noticed the form under me had pink hair.

And then I noticed it was another human.

"S-surprise," Pinkie mumbled, her voice coarse from being choked. She was still smiling, at least. I immediately pulled my hand away from her throat, but I didn't get off her.

"Give me your arm," I said, holding the dagger up. She presented it and I very gently pricked it. She bled red. "What in God's name?"

"Who's God?" she asked, her voice getting a bit better.

I sighed and stood, hauling her to her feet. She stumbled a bit until I caught her. I saw that she was wearing a spare outfit of mine, but it didn't fit her very well; she was a bit chubby. I didn't notice at the time, but her chest felt very nice against mine when I was on top of her.

"Don't tackle me like that, Pinkie. Actually, don't tackle me at all. Now, what the fuck?"

She grinned as I led her to the couch and sat her down. I backed away and stared at her, crossing my arms. "I know how you mentioned a long time ago that you never wanted to date a pony! And, well, from what I've heard you still haven't. I just wanted to keep your record clean."

I grit my teeth. "When we get to the party you're turning back. I can't stand the idea of so casually betraying your race! Why would anyone…" I sighed. "Doesn't matter. Celestia will turn you back."

Her grin widened and she shook her head. "Nope! She said it would take at least a day for her to build up the strength needed to turn me back. I'm stuck like this until tomorrow."

I felt my wings sag. "Unbelievable," I sighed, shaking my head. "Can you walk well? And can you use your fingers alright?"

She nodded, holding up a hand and wiggling the fingers. "The feet took me a few minutes to get used to and stairs might be hard, but you'll be there to help me!"

"Well… I guess there's no choice. Are you wearing that to the party?"

She looked down at herself before looking up at me. "What's wrong with it? Other than it being really tight."

"That _is _the problem. Where I'm from, clothes that show off as much as that does would be considered very slutty. Now, you won't see me complaining, but it's still bad form."

She grinned. "So you like it?"

_Dammit Pinkie_. I took a moment to actually look her over. She was very cute, all things told. "Yes."

"Pinkie do good?"

"No. You shouldn't have done it at all." She seemed a bit disappointed. "But fuck if you aren't sexy. Now, we need to get ready to go. I'll wear my armor so you can have some shoes to wear; you'll need them. They might be loose or tight, but we'll manage."

"Why do we need to get ready so soon?"

"Because my armor is encrusted with blood and blackened from dragon fire." Of course, it was already black to begin with, but the fire made it worse. "And you need practice walking with shoes. I wish we had time to get you proper female clothes… You'd be a beauty." I shrugged and kicked my shoes off. I saw that she was blushing before I went to grab my armor from the pile in the corner where I left it. "Put some socks on before you put the shoes on," I said as I began pulling armor into the kitchen.

I heard her scrambling around as I began scrubbing gore and smoke from my armor. It probably needed to be properly maintained, but I couldn't make myself care. Still, it finally earned its keep; it saved me from that dog's punch. I just wish I had another cloak to wear over it.

It took me half an hour to wash all the armor off. In that time, Pinkie walked around the apartment several times in my shoes, touching everything she could so she could actually feel them.

"I've never noticed how soft my mane was before!" Pinkie was commenting as she rubbed her hair and I put my armor on.

"It's hair. Ponies have manes while humans have hair."

"Well that's just silly. What's the difference?"

"Fuck all if I know."

"Then why not just save words and call them both manes?"

"I'll let the person in charge of English know that when I see him."

She nodded as if that was the perfectly natural thing in the world. And then she started rubbing my face, feeling the whiskers that I still needed to shave. "Ooh, they're all scratchy!"

"They feel fine on my face. You wanna feel something neat?"

Her eyes went wide and she nodded. I gently grabbed the hands that were still connected to my face and pulled her into me, leaning down and kissing her deeply. Her eyes went wider before closing as she wrapped her arms around me.

I didn't hold it long before pulling away. She was wearing a dreamy smile, a blush on her face. "Well?" I asked, smiling.

"That was… Wow," she answered, her voice a bit husky.

I nodded. "I can imagine. Now, I need to finish putting my armor on." She didn't let me go, just continued staring dreamily at me. "That means you need to let me go."

She blinked and did so, her smile turning back to normal. "The mane on your face doesn't feel so bad anymore." She went back to feeling things as I finished putting on my armor.

"Feels good to be in steel again," I sighed as I began finding weapons and putting them on. I left the sword and took the axe instead. The crossbow also came, along with my knife belts. "Are you ready?" I called, hoping Pinkie would hear me.

She tried running in from the bedroom, only to fall flat on her face. She was up again in an instant. "Yep!" She started poking at her boobs. "That kind of hurt…"

"Your body is a bit more sensitive. You need to be careful with it. Now come on, we need to get going. And remember, behave. This is the princess's shindig, not yours."

She sighed and nodded. She immediately perked up and asked, "Can we fly there?"

"Do you have wings?"

She spun around trying to look before getting dizzy and almost falling. "No," she groaned as I steadied her.

"Then only maybe. You're going to be heavier than Kat, so it would be a lot harder to do."

"Are… are you calling me fat?"

I poked her in the belly. "Feel your belly and then feel mine." She poked her own before poking my steel cuirass. "Well, you know what I mean. Point is, you're pudgy. And cats are smaller and lighter than humans anyway. You could probably ride a pony, but I might not be able to carry you. I can try, but no promises."

She squee'd and jumped into my arms. I just barely managed to catch her. I didn't immediately buckle under the weight, which was a good thing. I grinned. "This would be a lot more fun if we weren't wearing any clothes," I said as I started for the door.

"Well… no pony says we have to be on time."

"Celestia would probably insist. You know how she is. Now get down; I need to lock the door and I can't with you in my arms."

She pulled the key that I keep around my neck out of my armor and over my head and pulled the door shut before locking it and putting the key back around my neck. "Happy?" she asked.

"Eh." I tried taking off to find that I couldn't get enough lift. I thought before nodding. "Step down, Pinkie. I have an idea." She sighed and jumped out of my arms. "Stay facing that way," I said, pointing down the street. She nodded and turned. I popped my neck before leaping into the air and soaring up a bit before looping around and skimming the street, grabbing Pinkie as I passed and getting us both into the air. "Hold onto me!" I called over the wind. She managed to wrap her legs around me. It wouldn't last long if I lost hold of her, but it might get us to the ground if I somehow dropped her.

Thankfully, that wasn't an issue; we got to the party easily enough, though we did get a number of looks. "Alright, a few rules for your human body," I started. "First: Limit is three cupcakes or its equivalent in regular dessert. Second: Just because you can eat meat doesn't mean you should. It would make you sick since you aren't used to it. Third: Don't touch random people. Okay?"

_"Three cupcakes?"_

"Remember how I can't eat much sugar? You're the same way. It would make you sick. Now come on." She sighed as I led the way to the front door. She quickly perked up and wrapped one of her arms around mine, pulling me close. I didn't fight it.

"Invitation?" the doorman asked. I noticed that for some reason his eyes were closed.

"How can you even see like that?" I asked.

He opened his eyes, outraged at what I said for some reason. When she saw who I was he immediately cooled off. "Forgive me, Sir Navarone. You and your… There are _two _of you now?"

"Magical mishap." I said with a shrug. "We good to enter?"

He sighed and nodded. "Of course. You and your date may enter."

Pinkie seemed absolutely giddy about being called that for some reason. She somehow pulled me tighter and started leading me inside. "Remember," I quietly said, "my royal duties come before our date."

She didn't answer. I wouldn't have minded giving her a legitimate date; I did owe her, after all. That said, she picked this as her date knowing that I would be busy so she brought it on herself.

When we got to the main room of the dance/ball thing, I was honestly shocked at how many people there were inside. It reminded me of the ballroom in _Firefly_. However, I didn't have to give up my weapons and I wasn't planning on getting into any duels.

Not a minute after we stepped inside, a servant delivered a note to me. I thanked him and pulled Pinkie to a wall so I could read it without anyone looking over my back.

"What's it say?" she excitedly whispered, trying to peek at it.

I grinned as I read it. "We can enjoy the party for two hours before I have to do any work," I answered, folding the note up and sliding it into my armor. "I leave the choice of events to you, my dear." I knew when I said it that I was probably going to regret it, but I had been an asshole to her for the past few days so I figured this would help make up for it.

I want to say something cheesy like 'her grin lit up the room,' but that isn't the kind of person I am and I don't feel that way for Pinkie anyway. She was definitely happy, though, and she expressed it by bouncing up and down several times in a way that I found most enjoyable to watch. When she recovered from her episode, she pulled me through the large number of partiers to the dance floor. I saw that Octavia was one of those that were playing. I gave her a small nod as Pinkie and I began dancing.

I'm very glad I have a lot of stamina. Pinkie wouldn't let us stop dancing for half an hour. When she finally got tired—or more likely bored—she led me to a table and made me get her punch. She was smiling like crazy when I got back to the table. We were both getting odd looks, probably because most people that knew of me thought I was the only human. They didn't know what to make of Pinkie.

To be fair, I often don't know what to make of Pinkie either.

"Isn't this so much fun?" she asked as she sipped at her punch in a most undainty manner.

"We danced for half an hour and now we're sitting. How is that fun?"

"It's the principle of the thing. I've always wanted to go to a fancy ball with my special somepony!"

"This is a date. That does not make me your special somepony."

"Shush, don't ruin it."

"Also, when did you turn into Rarity?"

"You're ruining it again!"

I sighed and tasted the punch. "I figured you would be more lively," I said after a moment. "This might not be your kind of party, but it's still a party."

She sighed. "I got in trouble the last time I tried to Pinkie up a not-Pinkie party. It took me a while, but I eventually learned that a party can be enjoyed in many ways. Just because it's not a Pinkie party doesn't mean it can't be a fun party!"

I shrugged and took a moment to look around the ball room. I noticed the changeling delegation sitting off in one corner. Several dogs and griffins were sending glares their way. I saw a few cats and a small number of dragons and naga. Ponies were the most common.

I grinned. "Pinkie, you want to meet a king?"

"Is he a nice king?"

"You'd be hard pressed to find a 'nice' royal. They might act it, but most of them are cold and devious. But Jim wasn't so bad, I don't think. I didn't have that many conversations with him, though."

"Oooh, do you think he'd let me throw him a Pinkie Party?"

"Probably not." Not if I could help it, that is. "When would you do that anyway? He rules Egypt."

"Pinkie Parties always find you, Nav. You should know that by now." Sadly enough, that's true.

"Well, I hope you want to meet him; he's coming this way." Jocasta was with him.

"Do you want me to pretend to be an airhead for him?"

"…Pretend?" She kicked me under the table. She then pulled her foot back, rubbing at the shoe; I don't advise kicking someone wearing plate mail.

"Ah, Navarone!" the king said. "It is good to see you again!" He looked pleased, but Jocasta didn't.

I nodded. "Sup, bro?" He blinked. "Wait, shit. Hello, your highness." He blinked again. "I'm not used to pretending to be respectful anymore. What do you need?"

He grinned and sat at one of the spare seats. "I see you found another of your kind. I did not know your people were divided as ponies are. Do any of your kind have magic?"

"Pinkie's a human because of a mistake, a spell gone wrong. She'll be normal again tomorrow. But to answer your question, no. We don't have magic. We also don't have wings." I fluttered mine. "These are another magical mistake."

He looked to Pinkie as Jocasta sighed and took the last seat. "What are you normally, then?"

"A pony!" She answered. "Can I throw you a party?"

The king gave her a confused look. "Why would I need a party if I'm already at one?"

Pinkie grinned. "You can never have too many parties! And no pony throws a party like a Pinkie Party!"

"Uh huh. Sadly, my schedule is full." Pinkie's gaze turned sour as he looked back to me. "Tell me, are you going to be free any time soon? There are things I could use your help with."

"Here or in Egypt?"

"Egypt. I have no desire to draw the gaze of that pony princess anywhere near anything I do, so I will not operate out of this city." He didn't know the irony in his statement.

"I don't know my schedule either. I know there's a chance I'm leaving Equestria in a year, but if I do it will be on personal business. Whatever you have planned, it won't involve me."

He sighed and muttered something. "A shame. Jocasta told me how well you handled controlling troops. No casualties, aside from our poor Kat." He grinned. "And even she is recovering nicely, though she's venomous as ever. I wonder how well you would do commanding troops as a general," he mused.

"I don't really know. That job was the first time I've ever had the opportunity to really lead. I advised and helped on the March, but most of that was Jocasta. I know there would be a big difference in directing men on an open battlefield against another general and leading a few squads against a disorganized crime group."

He nodded. "There definitely is. Still, you never know until you try." I figured I would have a chance soon, if I stuck around long enough for the war games. His eyes flicked to Pinkie for a moment before returning to me. "You know, if she really _will _be turned back tomorrow… Well, I'm sure it must be lonely for you."

I raised an eyebrow. "I've come to terms with my entrapment in this hell," I answered. "I hardly grow weary for company, even of the more… bawdy sort. Yes, seeing another kinsman is nice, but to me at least it is obvious she is a fake. She lacks all the mannerisms that to any human would be second nature."

"Hey!" Pinkie cried. "That's not true!"

"And what," Jocasta said, "does she lack?"

"Watch her hands as she talks. They don't move. Most humans make some manner of gestures as they speak. Look how she sits, perfectly ramrod straight. Every biped race I've seen has a relaxed posture when sitting; she isn't used to being in that position. Look at her fingers; they're perfectly straight. The normal position for most humans is to have them slightly bent. If you watch her face, you'll see that all of her facial expressions are off slightly, or at least they are to me. She's not used to having a flat face. Look at her chest. That shirt is uncomfortably tight and most humans would probably be picking at it, trying to pull it away from their skin. Look at her ears. They keep trying to twitch even though that does nothing for humans. There are other things, of course, but those are the big ones." Whenever I mentioned a new thing, Pinkie would look at the offending item and try to correct it, or match my position. She couldn't look at her face or ears, but as soon as I commented on her shirt she shifted uncomfortably and picked at it.

Jocasta and Jim looked back and forth between me and Pinkie. "I don't see it," Jim finally said.

"That's because you aren't a human," I answered.

Jocasta nodded. "I see it. Or some of it at least. Still, I imagine those hands could be put to a good use…"

I made a scratching noise on the table as I balled up my fists. "She's not yours, Jocasta," I answered.

"Oh?" she mocked. "So she's yours to do with as you would?"

They all three looked at me expectantly. I trapped myself with that one. If I claimed she was mine, Pinkie would be on my case for the rest of time with how I said that. If I said she wasn't, Jocasta would be in our business all night trying to get her.

But I saw a third option. I always do. I grinned. "I'm not averse to sharing."

The king barked a laugh. "Genius, Navarone," he answered. "As much as I would like to see how this goes, however, I have business elsewhere to attend. Jocasta, do as you would." He left without an answer from any of us.

Pinkie and Jocasta both looked a little disappointed at what I said. I _implied _that I considered Pinkie mine, but I didn't outright say it. And I made it clear to Jocasta that the only way she was going to get Pinkie was if I was involved.

"You are absolutely infuriating, Navarone," Jocasta said as she stood. I gave her a shit-eating grin as she left.

When I looked back to Pinkie, she was wearing a grin that matched mine. I dropped it upon seeing hers. "You said I was yours!"

I crossed my arms. "I don't remember saying that."

She leaned forward, batting her eyes. "You impliiied it!" she sang.

I shrugged. "I suppose one could look at it that way. That does not, however, make it true. Now, I know you don't want to spend the rest of the party just sitting here talking."

She opened her mouth but didn't get anywhere; Kumani joined us and cut her off with, "Sup, Nav? Who's this?"

"Pinkie in a human body. The how isn't important. What do you need?"

"Huh. Sup, Pinks?" She turned back to me. "Want to blow this joint and go do something fun?"

"More than anything," I answered. "But I can't. I'm giving Pinkie that date you made me owe her. And I also have business for the princess to take care of after this."

Kumani grit her teeth at the mention of the date. She turned a glare on Pinkie. They shared a silent battle of the wills. "I thought we had this discussion before," Kumani finally forced out.

Pinkie sniffed. "He's a free pony. He can pick whoever he chooses!"

I face-palmed, which is not a good idea with gauntlets. "Kumani, you know I owe her this. You were there when I agreed to it. Chill."

Kumani's glare turned to me. "We can talk about this later," she said in a cold voice. She stood and walked away. Pinkie made a face at her turned back. I sunk my head in my hands. _I should have stayed with Braeburn…_

"What's wrong, silly?" Pinkie asked, giggling.

"Nothing. Let's just… go back to the party."

By most accounts, the 'date' went well. Pinkie had a blast. I did not. Flo had to stop me from strangling her once, but I'm pretty sure the only reason she talked me out of it was because she wanted me to rescue her sooner rather than whenever I got out of prison. I mean, I did have some fun, but… ugh.

Thankfully, we got past it. At the two hour mark, we were both ushered into a back room. "So what are we doing here?" Pinkie asked.

I grinned. "A few card games. Celestia's a fucking misandrist that thinks the boys can hash out their problems over a friendly game. She's wrong, of course, but that won't stop me from cleaning these fuckers out."

"What am I supposed to do?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Sit there and look pretty. Or you could play, if you wanted. If things get ugly, though, just back against the wall and stay out of the way."

"And let you have all the fun?"

I scoffed. "Hell no. I'm backing against the wall too. This ain't my fight." That wasn't entirely true. I would at least make an attempt to get them to stop fighting.

Before she could answer—sometimes I wonder if _I _was ever going to get cut off for once—the door opened and Shining Armor entered. "Ah, Navarone, I see you're—who're you?" he asked, looking at Pinkie.

"Pinkie," I answered for her. "Who all is going to be here?"

He blinked, shrugged, and answered, "The cat king, the griffin king, the dog boss, and the changeling ambassador."

"No naga or dragons?"

He shook his head. "They may be powerful races, but they aren't any kind of political powers. The cat is only going to be here because we need a neutral party we can control."

"He's not neutral if we control him."

"I didn't make the plan, Nav," he answered as he joined me at the table. "So how does this game work?"

"You've never played? Fuck, dude, I thought all guards learned how."

"Maybe the single guards or the guards that have off time. I am married and I'm almost always busy. I never had time to learn."

"Dude, you were doing nothing half the time we were in Gryphus. We offered to let you join several games."

"I was performing my husbandly duties."

"Damn dude, your wife's a nympho if you two were fucking that much."

His mouth dropped and a big flush showed up on his face. Pinkie giggled. "We weren't bucking!" he cried just as the door opened and the griffin king came in.

"Am I… interrupting something?" he asked, stopping at the door with a filthy grin on his face. Now Shiny was just sputtering.

"Nah man, it's cool," I said. "We were just talking about him and his wife. Come on in. Pinkie, Bloodbeak. Bloodbeak, Pinkie."

He gripped one of her hands with a talon and brought it up to his beak. "My pleasure," he said when he pulled away. "Though I thought Nav was the only one of his kind here."

"Oh, I'm not a human!" she said. "Or at least, not really."

He ripped his talon away. "Changeling!"

I waved a hand. "Not quite. She's a pony. A magic mistake turned her into a human. She'll turn back tomorrow."

His beak shut with a click. "I see," he finally said. "I don't like magic. None but ponies and changelings do, as none but ponies and changelings have it. What we have built by strength and cunning, they have built with laziness and their cursed magic."

I had heard this spiel several times from him when I was in Gryphus. Personally I agreed, but I didn't think he should be talking like that in front of a unicorn. A response was made impossible by the entering of the dog boss with Minerva and Jim with Jocasta. The boss and Jim were talking about something or another when they entered. Their 'dates' were silent. The two important guys were talking about trade relations or something. They shut up when they noticed us.

The dog crossed his arms and glared at Shining Armor. "Why did your princess call us all back here?" he demanded.

"You live in Equestria. She is your princess as much as she is mine," Shiny shot back.

The dog rolled his eyes and turned to me. "Is she _your _princess, human?"

"Fuck no. That cunt can eat a dick. We're here to have a few card games. As soon as the last guest arrives, we can begin."

"Last guest?" Bloodbeak asked. "I highly doubt a naga would be interested in any manner of card game."

The dog snarled. "And neither would a dragon. I'm not going to be anywhere near a _changeling_, thank you very much."

"I understand that sentiment, even if I don't agree with it. Celestia, however, does not want any manner of war near her people. After what the changelings did to that mining colony, war seems possible. A war against the changelings would mean a war against the ponies."

"Are they that close, then?" Bloodbeak asked, his tone cold. "Are they so ready to forgive the changelings their attack on the pony's own capital? Or the wholesale slaughter or enslavement of an entire colony? Can they disregard millennia of raids and kidnappings? I think it's high time the changelings were eradicated. If Celestia and her ponies don't want to help us, I imagine the dragons and even the cats can be convinced to."

"If your only recourse for feeding your people was stealing, to what lengths would you go to do so?" I asked.

"I would become a monster," Bloodbeak answered. "And I would fully expect to be put down as soon as possible. Such parasites should not be allowed to live."

"For what it's worth," Shining Armor said, "I agree."

I smacked him in the back of the head. He rubbed it with a hoof and glared at me.

The dog grinned. "So not even the ponies like the changelings. It was just a political move. Tell me, who would they support if it came to eradicating those bugs? Celestia, who wants to aid them against every other nation on the planet? Or us, who promise to free them from the menace?"

Shiny grinned. "Celestia. Above all else, we follow the mover of the sun. As should you, dog."

Every non-pony except Pinkie scoffed. "We all know she doesn't move the sun," Bloodbeak said. "Ask any dragon who was alive before she was. That's a lie told to the ponies to keep them in line. Yes, she _can _move the planet, but the sun is stuck in the sky."

"That's not true!" Pinkie and Shiny both said at the same time.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes it is. The sun is super massive, a gravitational monster. Moving it would be almost impossible for anyone, even Celestia."

"The planet's a lot bigger than the sun," Pinkie said. "Just look at the two!"

I looked around the room. "Any takers?" All of them except Shiny were too busy face-palming. I sighed and held up a hand. "Hold your hand up, Pinkie." She did so. "Look at yours and then look at mine. Which is bigger?"

"Uhhhh… Oh." She turned a bright red. "N-never mind."

"No wonder Applebloom and her friends are so retarded. What the fuck do the schools in Equestria even teach?"

"That is not the issue," the dog said. "The point remains that we want nothing to do with the changelings."

"That's quite a shame. Ambassador Simulate, would you kindly reveal yourself?"

Minerva morphed into a changeling. The dog jumped away from her. "Where is Minnie?" he roared, backing away a bit more.

"She was not harmed," Simulate answered. "Your hatred is amusing. I can taste it all the way over here."

The dog and griffin got into attack postures at that. Jim, however, was confused. "So you are a changeling?" He tilted his head. "And you can mimic something so perfectly that others can't tell the difference? It seems to me that you would be a better friend than an enemy. Of course, I know little of the history of your kind and its relations with other races, so I say that in ignorance."

"Which is why we're here," I said. "Celestia wanted to hash our differences over a card game. I say fuck that. Let's just have a talk, shall we?" The dog and Bloodbeak eyed the door. "Maybe you think this is optional. As soon as the last person walked in, this room was fucking sealed. I wish I was lying."

The dog began growling. I sighed and pulled my axe out, setting it on the table. Everyone took the hint and calmed the fuck down. "Please, would everypony sit?" Shining Armor asked.

"I see only one pony here," the dog snarled.

"Everyone, sit at the fucking table," I said, pointing to it. I got two glares as the dog and Bloodbeak moved to the table. Jim moved with no issues. Simulate sat between Jim and Shiny. When everyone was down, I took my place between Shiny and Bloodbeak. I moved the axe off the table and said, "Alright. A few introductions are in order, I believe."

"Everyone here knows my name," Bloodbeak said.

"Fucking humor me."

"So vile…" he muttered. "I am Bloodbeak, king of the griffins."

I turned to the dog, whose name I still didn't know. His head was barely peaking over the lip of the table. He grit his teeth.

I put my axe back on the table.

"Tito," he answered. _I'm not gonna say it._ I had to fight to keep from smirking.

It was the cat's turn. "Jim Johnson, king of Egypt."

"Ambassador Simulate of the changelings."

"Shining Armor, prince and guard captain of the ponies.

"Navarone."

"That's _Sir _Navarone," Shining Armor corrected. "Knight of Princess Luna."

"These introductions are for things we're proud of, Shiny. It's Navarone. Now, we've already aired out some grievances. I have a feeling this meeting is going to get repetitious enough without going over why you hate the changelings again. So, why don't we talk about things the changelings can fix to make them less hated?"

When Tito and Bloodbeak shared a look, I knew that I was in for a very long night.

One long night later, I was carrying a sleeping Pinkie back to our apartment. Nothing at all was accomplished in the meeting and I quickly grew to wishing I was able to sleep. I had to repeatedly remind everyone there that I could make no official gestures for the ponies, as I was not their representative. I was the technical mediator of that meeting, given that I was the only one that had no say in any manner of war.

Celestia and Chrysalis would both try to get me to help them, of course. Bloodbeak would likely try to get me to help him. Meanwhile, I'd be saying 'fuck all of you' and leaving to go find the elementals. It would probably put me in a bad light with pretty much everyone else, but if the elementals were as powerful as Flo said I should be fine.

I landed and had only a little difficulty with getting the door open. I carried Pinkie into the bedroom and gently set her on the bed. I put her stuffed critter on her stomach and started to walk away.

"This is the part where you kiss me awake," she whispered theatrically.

I turned and looked at her. One of her eyes was peeked open. "You need your sleep, Pinkie."

She leaned up, stretching and yawning. "What time is it?" she asked, pretending the other thing didn't just happen.

"Time for you to go to bed."

"Can you tell me a story?"

"Once upon a time there was an ugly pony. He was so ugly that everybody died. The end."

"…That's a terrible story."

"And I'm a terrible person. Are you going to go to sleep?"

"Only if you give me what I want!"

I sighed. "Fine. I'll think of a better story."

She shook her head. "Nope! My demands have increased!"

I face-palmed. "Well?" I asked around the palm.

"You miiiight need to get out of that armor."

Dammit Pinkie.

The next morning shined nice and bright.

I wish I had a better chance to enjoy it. Being held tightly in an angry dragon's clutches kinda does that to a guy. "Kumani, can we talk about this?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm.

"Yes, that is what we are going to do. We're just going to do it in a more comfortable environment." We were flying over the city after she dragged me from my apartment where I had been writing. Pinkie was still asleep—and probably would have had trouble walking anyway.

"I was very comfortable back in my apartment."

"I wasn't!" I felt one of her talons caress my wings as she lowered us down. I felt her feet touch down and heard her open a door. She carried me inside wherever we were and shut the door behind us. I heard it lock before she continued walking.

"This is highly unnecessary. Even if I wanted to run from you, I wouldn't be able to. You should trust me more than this, Kumani."

"I know you have heard it said that dragons are jealous and greedy lovers," she commented. "There is truth in that." With a sigh, she set me down. "But I do trust you. A little. Come."

I saw that we were in her mansion. She began walking further in and I followed. When she finally got to a nice room, she pulled me on in and closed the door behind us. "Now, what were you doing with Pinkie?" she asked.

"Going on the date I had to promise her for helping you."

"And?"

"That's it. We went to the party as a couple. Then I did some business for the princess, took Pinkie home, fucked her silly, and wrote all night." I probably shouldn't have mentioned the fucking part. I saw her vestigial eyelids blink, which I have heard was a sign of anger among dragons. I held my hands up and said, "That's part of the normal date for humans! That date was for you, Kumani. I don't know why you don't realize that."

She sighed. "I do. It's just… Ugh, it's our mating season and dragons are naturally greedy anyway… I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that you did this for me, even though I know it's true."

Thinking about it, there was also the fact that Kumani was technically still a teenager, even if she was over fifty years old. That kind of made me seriously rethink my decision of letting her come with me if I did end up leaving. I would still probably do it, though. She hadn't raped me, after all.

"So are we okay?" I asked.

She sighed and wrapped her scaly arms around me, pulling me into a hug that pretty much crushed me against her chest. "As much as I want to say something like 'you owe me,' I know that you did this for me. I suppose if anything, I owe you. Again. This is starting to get slightly aggravating." She finally let me go and I backed away, not wanting to get crushed like that again.

"If it makes you feel any better, that's relatively normal," I answered when I was sitting on her bed.

"For a lesser race, perhaps. Dragons, however, pay our debts. But I'm racking up too many with you to ever hope to pay them back."

I shrugged. "You can pay your debt with me by not worrying about paying your debt."

She opened her mouth but then closed it. After a moment, she shook her head. "There is precedence for that. It did not end well."

"You know that but you can't even read. Come on, Kumani."

"Most dragons do not know how to read. Again, we outgrow most books very quickly, and occasionally sneezing flame does not help when we're trying to read. The only reason I know the precedent for that case is because my father is a high ranking official. He told me about the case."

"Wait, this shit is actually official enough to get judged in dragon courts?"

"Only between two dragons. We are greedy. When someone owes us, we want the favor repaid, usually. And we are honorable, so when we know we owe someone, we want to pay it."

"Sounds complicated as hell. Glad I'm not a dragon."

"You would lose some of your charm and mystique, yes. But… Well, never mind."

I shrugged. "So, do you have any plans today? I'll probably need to go back to my apartment and take care of Pinkie; every fucking criminal in this city is looking for 'the human' and she currently matches that description. I'm honestly surprised they haven't tried attacking my apartment yet."

She shrugged. "I suppose even thieves have some honor. I have to prepare for the tournament, though; honestly, I suggest you do the same. You _are _going to be competing, right?"

"Depends on Celestia. She's thinking about banning me after the stunt I pulled last year."

"That is foolish. None of the contestants would be stupid enough to trust you after that. It sounds to me like she is punishing you for beating her ponies."

"I wouldn't be surprised. I already know she considers—or at least, used to consider—the average pony life more valuable than mine. I wouldn't be surprised if it was the same for every other race. Fucking cunt."

Kumani smirked. "Why even stay in Equestria at all if that's how you feel about the princess?"

"Exactly. That's why I'm thinking about leaving soon. This won't be a 'leave on business, soon to return' kinda deal. This will be a 'fuck you, I'm leaving' kinda deal. If I go, there is a good chance I will not return."

"Where will you go?"

"I _could _go anywhere; I'm welcome in every civilization known to ponies. However, I have a job I have to complete for a friend. There's a good chance a lot of travel will be required."

"Hm… What's the pay?"

I grinned. "I wish I could tell you. I know undying gratitude and, if all goes well, a nice place for me to crash for a while. A haven outside of the world, hopefully. If all doesn't go well…" I shrugged. "I'll probably just go exploring. Too much of this world has gone unmapped for too long."

"Doesn't that seem… a little dangerous?"

"I'm used to danger. I can go for days without eating or drinking and during summer and spring I don't sleep at all. I can probably walk—or fly—across continents in weeks if I don't stop. Since most animals don't see me I wouldn't have to worry about that."

"If I go with you, I would probably slow you down."

"I'd welcome the company regardless. You would give me an excuse to slow down and rest. You would also hold me accountable to eating and drinking, and would force me to take care of myself better. You don't have to go, of course. You don't have to go at all. I would be loath to take you from your family and race anyway."

"Dragons come and go all the time. As long as I wasn't seen leaving with you, it would not be a problem."

"Cool. Where is the dragon capital, anyway? It would be a good idea to know that before I wander aimlessly trying to find you."

"Iceland. The entire island is dragon owned." Well, with as many volcanoes as that place has, it makes sense. "You… might have trouble securing passage there, however."

"I have money. I also have three princesses that owe me a lot of favors. How will I be received on the island?"

"With indifference… Probably." She looked me up and down. "I would not tell any of my kind that you are the only one of your species here. There are some that would… try to claim you. You are a unique creature, something many of us would love to own."

"Uh… huh." Is that what she saw me as?

She quickly recognized the error in what she said. "Don't take that the wrong way, Nav. I'll admit that I started this because you were exotic, but it has evolved past that."

I shrugged. "Good enough for me." God only knows I wouldn't want to deal with a dragon that wanted to own me. I stood. "I guess I can let you get back to preparing. It would probably be considered cheating for me to watch."

She walked up to me and I thought she was going to hug me again. Instead, she pushed me into the bed. "I think you can stay for a little longer," she said with a smile.

I just can't catch a break…

An undisclosed amount of time later, I was sitting back in my apartment, just looking into space and thinking, a goofy grin on my face. I didn't notice Pinkie until she plopped herself down on my lap. "I made pancakes!" she said, holding up a plate.

"That's… nice," I answered, blinking myself out of my reverie.

"They're for you!"

I sighed and took the plate. I noticed that there wasn't a fork. "How did you eat yours?" I asked.

She held up sticky hands and smiled. "Wanna help me clean them?"

"How about you go do that while I eat?"

Her smile instantly turned into a pout. "Pleeease?"

"No. Also, it's really hard to eat when you have someone in your lap."

"I could feed you!"

"Go wash your hands, Pinkie." She sighed and picked herself off my lap. Not before jiggling a few good times, though. I ate the delicious pancakes in silence; say what you want about Pinkie, she's a bloody good cook.

I was standing up to wash my hands when Pinkie entered the room and plopped right back down on my lap, stopping me from going anywhere. She grabbed one of my hands and felt it. "Sticky," she whispered. "Want me to help clean them?"

"No thanks."

She pulled my hand to her face and started licking my fingers, looking me in the eyes as I watched impassively. When she finished one hand, she eyed the other. "Want me to clean the other, too?"

"You realize that licking my hands does nothing for me, right? Besides, I've already had sex this morning."

She gasped. "You already cheated on me?!"

"…We aren't dating?"

"We are too! We went on one last night!"

"I gave you your date and your happy ending. That is that."

"But… the date went well! That means we're dating!"

"For you." She blinked, confused. I said, "The date went well for you. In my opinion, it did not. And since you can't have a date without two willing participants—or at least, not a good one—that is that."

"That's not fair!"

"Do I look like I sell cotton candy to you? Of course it's not fair. I told you what would happen before we went on the date. It is not my fault that you did not believe me. I am not romantically interested in you, Pinkie. That's the way it is and you can't change it."

She sighed and looked away. After a moment, she picked herself off my lap and sat down on the couch across from me. "Are you sure?" she finally asked.

"Yes."

"Can you at least… What did I do wrong?"

I steepled my fingers before I remembered how sticky they were. I sighed and leaned back before I remembered my wings. _I hate being me right now._ "Your entire personality clashes with mine. I don't know how you can even stand to be around me. God knows it takes all my patience to deal with you. Where I am quiet and somewhat introverted, you are loud, boisterous, and extroverted to an extreme degree. Just the act of being around you for too long is exhausting and I couldn't imagine dating you or being your sole friend. Also, you fucking terrify me. The things you do and know should not be possible and I want no part of any of them."

"Oh…"

I stood and went to go wash my hands and put the plate in the sink. When I got back into the sitting room, Pinkie was just staring at the floor. I sat back down on the couch. "So what do you want to do today?"

She sighed and looked up. "How do you do it, Nav?"

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"Say things like that in the kindest voice possible and then merrily ask what I want to do like you said nothing at all?"

"The things I've done and the things I've seen have stripped me of my ability to properly care. I apologize if I hurt your feelings. For a little while I was trying to get better, and then Luna… Well, I won't burden you with my problems. Nee—"

"No! You _will _burden me with your problems! That's what friends do, Nav! We talk about our problems."

"Tell the truth: What do you really think of the princesses?"

"…Why do you ask?"

"Because my answer depends on what you think of them."

"I think they're ponies, just like everypony else. They do some good things and some not so good things."

I smirked. "Alright. You wanna know my problems? Fine, get comfortable." And thus began a long discussion.

Sometime later, I found myself having to hold Pinkie back from hunting Celestia down and beating her ass. Admittedly, it would have been funny, but I don't think that it would have ended well.

…Although, this _is _Pinkie we're talking about.

When I finally got her calmed down to a reasonable level—again, this is Pinkie—she said, "After what you've been through, Nav, you deserve to be happy. And if I'm not the pony for you… then I wish whoever is good luck."

"So does this mean you're done stalking me and watching me sleep?"

She waved a hand. "Oh, I stopped that ages ago. It's just Taya that watches you, now."

"…I'm installing a better fucking lock on my door."

She giggled. "You know that wouldn't stop either of us. Now, we need to go find Celestia so I can get turned back into a pony."

"Before we go, I want your word—a Pinkie promise, if it would help—that you won't tell a soul about what we discussed. No writing it down and 'accidentally' leaving it somewhere, no telling a nonpony and having them tell your friends, and just don't mention it at all. Even to me."

She sighed and snapped and then stared at her hand in wonder, snapping several times.

"Pinkie!"

She blinked and looked up. When she saw my serious face on, she sighed. "I promise…"

"Alright then. Are you ready to go get turned normal?"

She hopped up, a smile returning to her face again. "Yep! Although… Can you carry me there?"

I stood, popping my neck. "I suppose. Though I've seen you flying before using some contraption. Why you'd want me to carry you is beyond me."

"It's different," she answered. I just shrugged and led the way to the door.

"You know," I said as I closed the door, "you're taking this a lot better than Twilight did. She actually cried."

"I expected it," she answered. "I'm surprised you even humored me as long as you did."

"I wish I could refute that, but I've been acting like a serious asshole lately."

"You _do _have reasons, but you gotta learn to let the past be the past! You're not the only pony that's been through hard times."

"I know," I answered as I picked her up. "But most of my experiences I went through alone; I had no one to talk to."

"You could have talked to me… Or any of the others. We're your friends, Nav."

"I risked much telling you what I did, and I still didn't tell you everything. I was told not to tell anyone some of the things I did and what I've been through. However, I no longer give two shits about what Celestia orders. Now, do you know where she is?"

We were currently in the air, slowly flying over the city. We spent a minute looking around. There was a massive crowd around one area of the city. Like, more ponies and a few other races than I had seen in one place in this city yet. I started flying that way and alighted on a building near the epicenter of the crowd, next to a very large tent.

We saw Celestia speechifying near the center of the tent, standing on a stage. Now that we were closer, we could hear that her words were heavily magnified. Security was also very intense.

"Ugh, another pointless speech," I commented, sitting with my legs hanging off the building. Pinkie sat next to me, kicking her legs idly.

"Hm…" She pulled one of the daggers out of my belt and started playing around. It took me a few minutes to figure out that she was angling the sun into Celestia's eyes and giggling.

"If you get in trouble, don't expect me to take the fall," I said. Celestia began fidgeting a little, trying to avoid the glare. Some of the guards were also starting to take notice, looking around for where it was coming from. Whenever one of the guards looked our way, she hid the dagger. "How did you like your time as a human, anyway?"

"It's been a lot of fun! Hands are great and being so tall is a lot of fun. But these," she said, cupping a nice breast with one hand while shooting sunlight at Celestia, "get in the way a lot. They feel nice, but it's not really worth it. It would probably be better if I had clothes made for a mare human."

"We call them women. Kinda figured you would have known that by now." We were silent for a moment. "Wait… Is Celestia's horn… Move!" I threw my arm around Pinkie and hopped down the side of the building, letting my wings control our fall. A beam of pure light shot where we had been sitting. Pinkie and I hit the ground with a really loud clatter and thud—clatter from my mail boots hitting the floor and a thud from where she fell out of my arm. The only part of my armor I was wearing were my boots, at least.

Pinkie let out a loud "Oof!" when she hit the ground. She slowly stood up, rubbing her ass. I was tempted to join her, but we were already getting a very large number of looks from confused ponies. Celestia's speech was still going on, so I just shrugged at them. After a moment, they turned back to where Celestia was.

I grabbed my knife from where it had fallen and slid it back into my belt. "So, wanna find a place to fuck with Celestia some more?"

Pinkie looked back up to the ledge where we had been sitting and rubbed herself again before turning back to me and saying, "No thanks."

I held up my ring. "What if you were wearing this?" I asked with a smile.

Her eyes lit up for a moment as she thought. She shook her head, though. "No, I wouldn't risk it. I don't want to make her mad."

Shame. I slid the ring into a pocket. "Where do you want to wait, then?"

"Hmm… If she's here, I bet most of her guards are as well. Want to check out her personal chambers?"

I grinned and picked Pinkie up again. Her devious smile probably matched the one on my face. I leapt into the air and flew off towards her building.

We did a few circles over the building, looking for guards and the like. There weren't many around; it seemed that most of them were with her. I landed at the entrance and set Pinkie down. I just waltzed up to the door where two guards were standing, Pinkie behind me.

When I tried the door, I found that it was locked. The guards didn't say anything, so I pulled out my key and opened it. They continued not saying anything as I just walked right inside, Pinkie behind me. I pulled the door shut behind her and locked it again.

"I wonder why those guards didn't say anything," I mused as I twisted the lock.

"I bet that's why," Pinkie commented. I turned and saw a phoenix staring at us.

For those that don't know, phoenixes are birds that are somewhat made of fire. Thus, they are very dangerous. When they die of old age, they come back to life a few minutes later. The princess owned such a bird, as I believe I pointed out before. What I did not point out, however, was that this bird was a fucking dick.

"Sup, Philomena?" I said. It tilted its head. "Right. Well, Pinkie and I are just going to go exploring." It cawed very loudly. "I'm going to assume that meant 'okay, feel free.' Pinkie, shall we?"

The bird spread its wings and flew at me. I flinched back as it landed on my shoulder.

"If you shit on me we're going to see if that little regeneration thing of yours works with a magic sword," I said as the bird preened. The bird reached out and nibbled on my ear as we walked further into the abode. It didn't take us too long to find Celestia's personal room. I eyed the dressers. "You know, I've never seen Celestia wear any clothes. I've seen her sleeping, at balls, and having sex, but she's never wearing anything."

I walked up to the dressers. Just as I put my hand on the handle, the bird dug its talons into my shoulder and cawed right in my ear. I also felt it get a lot warmer.

"Well well…," I said. "If the bird is trying to protect it, it's gotta be something good. Lucky for you, I'm nearly immune to pain." I pulled the drawer open as the bird bit my ear. Pinkie hopped up next to me as we looked over our findings.

"Uh, Nav?"

"…Yes, Pinkie?"

"What… what are we looking at?"

"…I think we should go," I slowly said, pushing the drawer full of sex toys closed.

"Why are you in such a hurry?" Princess Celestia whispered behind us, her head between ours. The bird made a happy chirping noise. I felt Celestia's evil hair moving down to a place I wasn't comfortable with.

Pinkie and I slowly turned to face her. "Pinkie?" I whispered.

"Yes, Nav?" she whispered back. I reached into a pocket, pulled out the blue stone, and touched her with it.

"Good luck."

"What?!"

I was already running to the window, thanking myself for having the foresight to put the ring on. I was also thanking whoever built this building that it was only two stories high. The bird jumped off me just before I got to the emergency exit.

I wrapped my wings around my body as best I could and jumped out the window. It shattered and I quickly straightened my body out and hit the ground with a painful clatter, my legs not liking that at all. I did a quick body check before sprinting away, hoping I wasn't going to get chased by the guards. They could run faster than I could, but I could run longer than them. Hell, I could probably run longer than anything on the planet.

When I got away from the pony quarter, I slowed down to more of a casual sauntering. I knew Celestia was in heat—or at least, she would be unless she did whatever she did to avoid it. Hell, what Pinkie did before we left for Flankfurt might have awoken her desire anyway. Me, I had no desire to get involved in that. Pinkie's a big gi—boy. He can take care of himself.


	63. Chapter Sixty-One

Chapter Sixty-One—Tournament and goodbyes

I knew I couldn't go back to my apartment and I knew Kumani was busy doing whatever she was doing to prepare for the tournament. I was not going to visit Kat with the chance that I might run into Miguel.

I didn't have any other people here to do anything with now that Pinkie was missing. I don't know how to party or have fun at parties, especially when I'm alone, so that wasn't really an option.

I took to wandering around the city, never staying in one place for long; I didn't want Celestia to find me, after all. I was still getting plenty of odd looks from the ponies, and several nonponies were staring at me just as much. I was used to stares, but this was worse than usual. After an hour or so of being stared at, I did what anyone would do: started staring back in the creepiest way possible.

The first victim of my creepy stare turned out to be Vinyl Scratch, who I saw was waving at me from a table. When she saw my look, her mouth dropped. I quickly smoothed my face over before her companion—Octavia—saw it. Vinyl went back to grinning and gestured me over. I walked to their table and took a seat.

"What's going on, Nav?" Vinyl asked, her voice unreasonably chipper.

I shrugged. "You know how it is. Celestia's estrus kicked in early, so I'm hiding in the city. I've been getting the weirdest fucking stares, though."

Octavia and Vinyl shared a look. They both turned back to me and Octavia said, "You're bleeding, Sir Navarone. Or rather, you _were _bleeding. It looks to have stopped some time ago."

I lifted a hand to my forehead and felt around. When I pulled it away, my hand came away with some dried blood. "Ah fuck me," I muttered. "Do you see any glass?" I asked them.

Vinyl grinned. "Jumping through windows?"

"Damn right. I'm not going to get caught by Celestia, not after what I went through. I wish I could go back to my apartment to clean myself up, but I'm not risking it."

"Hey, you could use my place," Vinyl offered. "If you really jumped through a window, Celestia knows you need to get cleaned up."

"Yeah, she does," I answered. "She watched me do it. I'd hate to break you two up, though. I don't imagine your careers allow you to meet one-on-one that often."

"Oh, it's no problem," Octavia said. "She and I were just—"

"About to go to my apartment anyway," Vinyl finished with a dirty grin. Octavia gave her a scandalized look, her grey cheeks reddening into a blush.

I raised my eyebrows. "I definitely wouldn't want to get in the way of _that_."

Vinyl's grin grew. "Oh no, you wouldn't get in the way. In fact…" She looked at Octavia. "Whattaya say, Octy? Wanna let Nav play with us?"

Octavia's blush deepened as she looked me over. "I… I remember… dreaming…" she whispered, not being able to look at me. I moved my hands to where she was looking and wiggled them. Her eyes widened and her entire face lit up red.

Vinyl and I laughed at that. I reached into my pocket and said, "Vinyl, you remember what I showed you while we were in Ponyville?" I pulled out the blue stone and she gaped.

"Can I?" she whispered. I grinned and nodded. Vinyl turned to Octavia with an almost predatory look in her eyes.

Octavia shrank back from her friend. "W-what's going on? What's with the stone, Sir Navarone?"

"First, call me Nav. I hate being reminded that I'm a knight. Second, why tell you when showing you is so much more fun?"

Octavia was silent, just looking back and forth between me and Vinyl. After a moment, she sighed. "Oh, very well." Vinyl squee'd and pulled us both into a hug somehow.

When she let us go, her smile was somehow even dirtier. "Let's go make some music!" she called, getting us several looks from the surrounding people. Octavia just sank her head into her hooves, sighing.

I grinned. _Not very often I get to be part of a threesome._

Thirty minutes later I was bored out of my mind. I thought they were using euphemisms for sex. But nope; there Octavia sat with a massive stringed instrument—a cello, she told me with a smile—while Vinyl was throwing a few switches and plugging in some cords.

When she got everything set up to her standards, she turned to me and said, "So Nav, what's your poison?" She waved a hoof at a wall of instruments.

I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn't play a damn thing when Flo said, "Take the piano."

I blinked and looked at the wall. _That's a keyboard._

"Does it play like a piano?"

I conceded the point. "I can try the keyboard," I answered. "No promises; it's been a while since I did anything. And don't expect me to sing."

Vinyl grinned. "With those stones, I have the singing covered!"

Octavia sighed. "Just what _are _these stones you two keep talking about?"

Vinyl turned to me. "Nav?"

I pulled out the blue one and tossed it at Vinyl. It hit her and she turned into a guy. Octavia's mouth dropped and her hooves let her massive instrument go. I jumped to catch it; I know how expensive shit like that is.

"H-how?" Octavia whispered.

"Magic," Vinyl said with a shrug. "Now come on, don't make Nav hold that massive bludgeon you use."

Octavia's head shot to me, holding the cello just off the floor; I barely caught it. She blushed yet again and took it from me. I went back to my seat and had a keyboard thrust into my hands with magic. I pushed in a random key and it made a random sound.

"Gonna need the other stone, Nav," Vinyl said.

I looked at him. "Are you sure you aren't related to Shining Armor? Maybe your parents confused you and Twilight at the hospital and took the wrong one home."

"I won't say it isn't possible, but it also doesn't matter. Now c'mon, gimme the stone."

I shrugged and tossed the pink one at her. She caught it and set the two down in front of her turntable. "Let's do this!"

Octavia said, "Wait. Does that mean Sir—Er, Nav is a female now?"

"Sorta," I answered with a shrug. My voice was different.

She looked me up and down. "So what… what do you look like, under the clothes?"

"He can give you a strip tease later, Octy," Vinyl said. "It's music time!" She pushed a button and a beat started. "Keep up if you can!"

Flo whispered, "I'll not let anyone beat the memory of those that came before. Put your hands on the keys. I'll handle the rest."

I grinned and did as she asked. Octavia seemed to be waiting for a cue that I couldn't hear. Flo didn't wait, she just jumped in, using my hands to depress what to me were random keys that produced a sound that would have made me gape if I had much control over my body.

After a few moments, I heard the deep notes of Octavia's cello kick in as she added her own notes to the song we were producing.

If I knew more about music, I would make a better attempt to describe what it was like. As it stands, I can safely say that it sounded amazing to my ears. Vinyl sang some, using the stones to swap her voice around. It was awesome, all things told.

When the beat finally stopped, Flo was silent in my head. I assumed she was used up. I shook myself loose, popping some joints. "That was fun," I said.

"No, that was awesome!" female Vinyl answered. "I've never heard anypony play the keyboard like that, Nav!"

"That's because I ain't a pony," I answered, standing. "Unfortunately, though, I need to get going; I can't stay in one place for long right now, in case Celestia finds me."

"Nav, come on! You can't just leave me here like this again!"

I raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

She poked the blue stone. "I wanna try the real thing!"

I sighed. "Fine. It shouldn't take you too long. Assuming…" My eyes flicked to Octavia for a second and I smirked. Vinyl nodded. "Well, I'll go make sure all the glass is out of me. You do what you gotta do."

"What?" Octavia asked. "What are you two talking about?"

Vinyl turned to her. "Come on, Octy. I have something I need to show you."

"Uh… Okay?" She looked a little confused, but she gently set her cello in a case and followed male Vinyl back. I nodded once with a smile and went to the bathroom, making sure I had gotten everything out of me. Fucking windows, man…

Twenty minutes later, Vinyl and Octavia came back out of the room. Octavia was visibly disturbed. Vinyl was wearing a massive smile.

"W-why?" Octavia whispered, eyeing me.

"Wanna get revenge?" I asked, holding the stones up.

Octavia's eyes took on a fierceness and she nodded, grinning darkly.

"This'll hurt for a moment," I said before tossing the blue stone at her. Her eyes went wide as she changed.

"Whoa now, Nav!" Vinyl exclaimed. "We don't have to do all that now!"

I tossed the pink stone at her as Octavia recovered. Her horn lit up but she was too slow to catch it. Octavia grinned when she recovered and walked over to Vinyl, dragging her back to the bedroom by her tail. I collected the stones again and began juggling.

Fifteen minutes later, a visibly disturbed Octavia walked out. Vinyl followed her with a massive smile. I giggled at that before I turned Octavia back. She curled into a ball on the floor and sighed. Vinyl and I shared a look. I lifted a fist. She met it with a hoof.

I looked back down to the grey mare on the floor and knelt next to her. I put a hand on her back. "Octavia, do you need a hug?"

Her eyes flicked to mine and she nodded. I wrapped my arms around her. After a moment, she turned and wrapped her front legs around me.

And then her grip got tight. "Quick, get his pants!" she said. I felt a tugging on my pants that I was not liking.

"They won't come off!" Vinyl said, tugging harder.

_That's because of the belt._ "I'm not comfortable with this," I said.

"Oh come on, Nav!" Vinyl said. "We just want to show our gratitude. And who better to please a mare than a mare?"

"No thanks," I said. "Now, let me go before I start fighting back."

Octavia smiled. "I may not look it, Nav, but I know my way around the bedchamber. I promise, you won't be disappointed."

_It would be a lot of fun…_ I sighed. "Fine. Just abide by my limits and I'll be okay." Octavia's legs loosened around me and I stood. I reached into my pocket and poked the pink stone. "Now, where to?"

Sometime later, I was lying on the floor of my apartment, waiting for Pinkie to come home. I didn't feel like writing without Flo dictating to me and I didn't feel like continuing to explore the town. It also didn't help that my legs were a bit touchy, not wanting to work correctly. I tried to get to a bed, but it didn't work well. That's why I was on the floor.

I was contemplating trying to stand up when my door slammed open. "IT'S PARTY TIME!" pony Pinkie yelled, falling into my room.

"No Pinkie, no!" _Wait, what?_ "I mean, hi. Also, can the party wait?"

"Not after what you did to me it can't!" he said. "Now come on!"

"But… my legs feel funny!"

"And I can barely stand, but this is a party and we're going to PARTAY! We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Nav."

"…What's the hard way?"

His voice turned cold. "You don't want to do it the hard way." With a twitch, his cheery demeanor returned. "Now turn me back and let's go!"

I sighed and dug the pink stone out of a pocket. I achingly got to my feet and touched Pinkie with it. I slipped it back into the pocket and touched the blue stone. "Now come on!" she said.

I took a few steps and got my rhythm back. "Alright. What's the plan, Pinks?"

She smiled at the nickname for her nickname. "We're going to party!"

I dreaded the answer to my next question. "What kind of party?"

"_My _kind of party."

I rolled my eyes. "Where did you find a six-year-olds birthday party?"

"The princess let me host a party. I just spent hours setting it up. You shoulda been there, Nav!" She giggled. "And now you're gonna be there."

_Goody_. "Well, lead the way." I knew what happened when you tried to avoid Pinkie Parties when she shows up personally to bring you to one. It doesn't end well.

She grinned and began bouncing out the apartment. I followed, a pit of darkness in my stomach. "So who else is going to be there?" I asked when we got outside.

"Oh, the princess and Shining Armor, for sure! And probably a bunch of other ponies too!"

"Just ponies?"

"Yep! For some reason, they're the only ones that seemed to be interested… Well, except for you!"

"I'm not interested. I just have no choice."

"Silly Nav! You always have a choice. It's just that in this case, choosing not to go would be infinitely worse than choosing to continue following me."

"I don't suppose there's any way for me to get around this?"

"Not anymore there's not."

"Aren't you supposed to want to make ponies smile? How is this making me smile?"

"You said it yourself, Nav: You aren't a pony."

"Let me rephrase that: Don't you want to make your friends smile?"

"You haven't been very friendly these past few days."

"Do you blame me?"

"You are going to this party, like it or not, so I suggest you do your best to like it."

"On a scale of one to yes, what are the chances of me getting laid from going here?"

"After that stunt you pulled with the princess, I'd say yes."

I sighed and slouched down as we walked. Well, as I walked and she skipped. Thankfully, I wasn't bleeding this time and didn't get nearly as many looks.

Honestly, at this point, I was sexed out. I didn't feel like it anymore. Hopefully if it came to that Celestia would be willing to listen to reason.

When we arrived, the party was already well underway. Ponies were doing all kinds of pony things. It was horrible.

When Pinkie finally remembered the unspoken rule we had at her parties—if I showed up she left me alone—I found myself in a corner, glaring at anyone that came close. That dissuaded more than a few interested ponies from bothering me.

It did not, however, dissuade Shining Armor. He plopped down next to me. "I hate parties," he said with a sigh.

"Until you live in the same town as Pinkie for a month, you can't know what it means to hate a party," I replied, glaring away another pony.

"And until you have to go with the princess to function after function, you can't understand either."

"Meh. Any news about that library safe house I cracked?"

"There was a massive hidden room in the janitor's closet attached to the central room. We only discovered it by blowing the closet up. We found records, bits, drugs, and a few other unimportant things."

"How bad was the smell?"

He grimaced. "Those bodies were terrible. And that dragon… Ugh. You left a terrible mess, Nav."

"Hey, just be glad that most of them surrendered. Otherwise it would have been a lot worse. How's everything been since then?"

"Quiet. Disturbingly quiet. This place isn't like Canterlot or most of the other mainland cities, Nav. There's crime here. Now, though… Whatever you did, it looks like you stopped a lot of bad things from happening. You did good, Nav."

I just shrugged.

"Hey, none of that!" he said. "You did something wonderful for this place, Nav. You should be happy. I know you've had a rough time of it, but from all I can see the dark is over. Your life looks like smooth sailing from here on."

"I thought that once," I answered. "When I first got to Equestria. I didn't have an easy life on Earth. After a few months here, I thought I could make this place a nice home. Sure, the locals were wary, but they slowly warmed up to me. And then it all went to hell. I thought it would get better. Then it went to hell again. That repeated a few times. Now?" I waved a hand. "Fuck it. Life isn't going to get better for me here, Shiny. Not until I get out of Equestria, at least."

"Way to kill the mood." He drank a little punch. "But if you're sure you want to get out of Equestria… Well, my wife and I are going home soon. We're still technically a part of Equestria, but she pretty much does as she wants. You are welcome there, if you help around the kingdom."

I snorted. "And trade one mistress for another? No. I had something else in mind."

He looked at me, worry in his eyes. "So you meant it? You'll really leave Equestria entirely?"

I nodded. "I'm thinking about it. What known civilization wouldn't want me? Where would I not be welcome? Where would I not be treated considerably better than here?"

He sighed, looking down. "When?" he asked after a moment.

"A year, if things don't get better. You and Celestia are the only ponies that know. Don't let the word spread. If I catch any hint that anyone knows I'm leaving, I'll be gone the next day without a word."

"I understand. Just remember that you owe me and my wife a conversation when we get back."

I waved a hand. "Yeah, yeah. Any hints as to what you want to discuss?"

He shook his head. "Only that I think you'll probably say yes."

I sighed and pulled a flask from a pocket and took a nice draught from it. "Shiny, where's a good place to learn to use a sword in mainland Equestria?"

"The naga. Now that the Diamond Dogs are… gone… the naga are the only ones that use swords in combat. Don't you know how to use a sword?"

"I know that the pointy end goes in the bad guy. That's all that I know."

He looked at me, shocked. "How are you still alive if you can't even fight?"

"Because I'm fucking smart. But I almost died fighting the criminals because I couldn't fight. It's high time I learned."

"So, what, you're going to live with the naga when we get back?"

I smiled. "I have something else in mind."

He rolled his eyes. "You always do. Do I need to worry?"

"Well, naga are mercenaries, right? I'll go to the clan I'm friends with and hire one to come to Ponyville to teach me. That's not illegal, is it?"

"Well, it's not illegal, but it might scare some ponies that have never seen a naga before, which most haven't. They are big and evil looking, after all. Is there any way you could hire one and keep him away from Ponyville?"

"I… could. I know of a few caves in the Everfree that he could probably take up residence in. Or he might be able to live with Fluttershy. I'll look into it."

"Eh, whatever. After the war games I'll be leaving Equestria for a while anyway."

"Man, where is your wife's kingdom, anyway?"

"It's—"

"HEY GUYS!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up. "Why aren't you two having fun?"

"Because fuck you, that's why," I answered.

"Well _sorry_, Mister Grumpy McGrumperson! What about you, Shiny? You should be playing games, like pin the tail on the pony!"

Shining Armor grimaced. "I think I'll pass."

Pinkie giggled. "You say that like it's an option. Come on, Shiny!"

He looked to me. I met his gaze and shrugged. He sighed and set his punch down before standing and being led off by Pinkie.

His place was quickly taken by Celestia. "You know, that game does sound fun," I said, standing. Her hoof shot out and pulled me back to the chair. "On second thought, maybe I'll wait."

"Breaking and entering is a very serious crime," she quietly said. "Especially breaking and entering into the princess's personal chambers. And I still remember that little stunt you pulled during my speech."

"That wasn't me!"

"Of course it wasn't." I felt her hair start to drift to my lap. "But you still owe me, I think." Somehow, some of the hair got through my belt and into my pants.

I caught my breath. "Celestia, I'm really aching. I've had way too much sex this week. I know you think I owe you and that's cool or whatever, but I really need some time to recover."

She giggled, not letting her assault up. "And what about my needs? I haven't had anypony inside of me in months. What your friend did after Cadance's spell hit her woke up my estrus, and I really need it."

My hands balled into fists as I tried to ignore what she was doing. "Tonight, then," I said. "I'll come by your chambers tonight. I just really need a few hours, Celestia."

Her hair stopped. "_Only _tonight?" she said.

"We'll see about longer. After Luna's estrus, that is all that I will promise."

Her hair withdrew. "That is fair. I have one rule: Don't bring your ring."

"I'm not certain I'm comfortable with that." Her hair moved toward me again. "But I suppose it is something that I can deal with." Her hair went back to doing whatever. "How do you even do that, anyway?"

"Do what?" she innocently asked.

"Whatever. So am I competing tomorrow or not?"

"I have decided to lift your ban, at least temporarily. If you misbehave during this tournament, your ban will be returned."

"I didn't misbehave during the last one!"

"Keep telling yourself that. I will confirm that it is a setting you will be able to fight in."

"Cool. I'll fuck some bitches up, then."

She sighed. "Must you be so vulgar all the time, Nav?"

"Yes."

"Don't lie to me, Nav. It's unhealthy."

"So is eating cake for breakfast, but I see you doing it every time I stop by."

"Spare a princess her comforts, Nav. Solaire alone knows I have few enough."

"And apparently I'm one of them."

"Well, you are fun to work my aggressions out on. You actually fight back."

"I suppose you'll feel quite comforted tonight, then. Just make sure your bird isn't watching."

"I don't think that will be an issue. After the stunt you pulled, Philomena is not pleased with you."

"Boo hoo. Your bird is a dick."

She rolled her eyes. "Philomena has always been pleasant to me. It's hardly my fault that she enjoys games."

"Games she learned from watching you. She's a cunt to everyone else because she can get away with it; who would hurt the princess's pet?"

"Oh, you're always just looking for the worst in others."

"That's because the worst is so often the side of others that I see." She couldn't really answer that.

She sighed. "I will see you tonight, Nav. Try not to be seen, if it is possible. If you are… Well, I don't suppose it really matters."

I nodded and she went back to the party, leaving me alone once again.

As much as I knew I wanted to, I couldn't make myself look forward to the night. Although… If Luna was watching, I would give her a nice little show. I know that I shouldn't taunt her, but if she was going to be a bitch about the breakup then I saw no reason to hold back.

For some reason, Celestia put me to sleep when we were finished. I honestly don't know why. When I woke up, I found that I was apparently spooning her. I knew she had to have put me in that position herself, because I don't move when I sleep.

Either way, I quickly pulled away from her silky-soft side and started looking for clothes. Thankfully, they weren't that hard to find. Not so thankfully, she was awake when I put my hand on the door. "Leaving so soon?" she purred.

I turned to her. "Yeah. We both got things to do today, I'm sure."

She sighed. "Can we turn this into a regular thing?"

I crossed my arms. "How regular?"

"Whenever one or the other of us needs to work some stress off."

"Celestia, I would be fucking you every minute of every day."

She giggled at the idea. "That would certainly liven up some of those dull meetings I have to attend every day… But I would try not to be unreasonable, as I'm sure you would as well. We both have very different lives to lead."

I thought about it. "I'll agree on a few conditions. One, keep feelings out of it. It's sex, not a relationship. Twilight wasn't able to do that. Two, if either of us wants to stop, we stop, and that's the end of that. Three, if you do any experimentation without asking me we're done. I might think of more later."

"Those are acceptable. Sadly, it will be some time before we can begin properly, but that is no matter. Now, I have an awkward question that I fear I must ask. Are you avoiding Luna?"

"Not really. I mean, I live in a different city, so I don't have many chances to see her anyway. I just don't really like being around people that I've had a conflict with like that. Especially not since I know she did the dream thing on purpose. I think that she might be more than a little bitter."

"Well, she's certainly not pleased. She loved you—or she believed she did, anyway. Honestly, I thought she was above what she did." It amuses me that she didn't try to deny that Luna did it on purpose. I've about given up on getting a fair deal in this damn place. "I also thought she was above turning into Nightmare Moon, so I suppose that shows how much I truly know her…"

"I'm tired of sticking my dick in crazy. If you go off the deep end, don't take it out on me. And if you start getting attached because of the sex, let me know so we can work that out and fix you before it gets worse."

She blinked. "Is the thought of a relationship with me truly so horrible?"

"Nay, Celestia. It's the thought of a relationship with any pony. I know why Twilight and all of her friends are single. The few stallions in Ponyville know better than to go near them. Same for most of the rest of the mares. You are all crazy. Braeburn and Smiles have the right idea but a poor execution. I think I'll keep any romantic relationships past sex to races that aren't ponies."

She sighed. "I suppose that is fair. After what you've been through… Well, I suppose it's a wonder you're able to do even that much." She was silent for a moment. "So what's your plan for winning the tournament?"

I grinned. "Why Celestia, telling would take all the fun out of it."

I had no idea how I was planning to win the tournament. I honestly wasn't planning to do well at all. I just wanted to enter to see how long I would last.

When I got to the staging area and had all of my weapons magically castrated, I was given a map. It was an underground cave. _Celestia, you bitch!_ So much for it being a jungle… Thankfully, I wasn't wearing my armor either way; I was expecting a jungle and black armor in the canopy would not work well.

I looked around to see my competition. Kumani was heading the dragon group. Jocasta, Miguel, and Rock were the cat group. Shining Armor, a pegasus in a gay looking jumpsuit, and some random earth pony were the pony group. Minerva headed the dog group, with what looked like two of the squad leaders next to her. I didn't recognize anyone leading the changeling, naga, or griffin group.

No one so much as looked at me the entire hour before the tournament started.

I teleported into the end of a long passage. I held my crossbow in a ready position and creeped forward, making as little noise as possible. I stopped at the end of the hall and saw that it T-boned into two other ways. I got against one wall and looked around one side as far as possible, seeing nothing. I poked my head around the other and saw a griffin. I shot back around and listened.

"I can't believe that bitch put us in a _cave_! Maybe her magic ponies can create light, but we sure as Tartarus can't," one whispered.

"Can the whining," another one said. "The only way we'll get anything is by hearing it coming."

I looked around me and saw a few decent sized rocks. I grabbed one and chucked it down toward them, trying to get it past them. It obviously worked, because when I looked around again they were all tensed up facing that way. I grinned, grabbed another rock, threw it, and quickly aimed the crossbow. Right as the rock landed, I shot one of the griffins.

That griffin disappeared just as the other two bounded down the hall toward the sound. They let out squawks when they realized they were attacking nothing. "Sound off!" one of them quietly called after a moment of confusion.

"Here," the other one said.

There was a moment of silence as I lined up another shot. "Oh feathers, we got duped!" He took a bolt to the face as the other one bounded down the hall. I reloaded and walked a bit farther into the tunnel where I spawned, just listening. I could hear sounds of fighting echoing through the walls. Only naga and the changelings could find anything in this mess; of the races, they spend the most time underground.

Knowing that the surviving griffin might have a trap set up for me, I went the other way from where he was. Again, I held my crossbow at the ready and was walking as close to a wall as I could get without touching it.

Slowly, I became aware of a light farther down the tunnel. I knelt down and held the crossbow up, aiming at it. As it got closer, I slowly saw the shape of Shining Armor leading it. He and his crew were surrounded by a shield.

I turned and saw that the path behind me was clear as far as I could see. I began walking back, a plan forming in my mind. When I got to the fork, I took the turn and waited.

Three minutes later, the ponies showed up. "Sir?" the earth pony whispered as they stopped.

"We pass it," Shiny answered. "Just keep watching our back."

I chose that moment to burst from the shadows, dual wielding knives. I sprinted through the shield and vaulted over the very surprised pegasus. While I was still in the air I kicked Shiny in the face and then slit him open while he was down before sprinting back up the path they came from.

"GET HIM!" the pegasus roared as I disappeared. I got as close to the wall as I could while they sprinted and flew past me, completely unable to see in the new dark. I imagined that they would quickly be picked off by someone else.

I grinned as I turned around and came face to face with a dragon. "Oh fuck me," I said.

"Later," Kumani answered with a grin. I jumped back as she swiped at me and tossed one of the daggers at her. She flinched as it embedded itself into her stomach. "These things aren't supposed to hurt me!"

"I hope you like naga steel!" I yelled as I ran the fuck away. She bounded after me.

I quickly caught up to the ponies, who were charging my way. "There he is!" They dropped into fighting stances as I jumped right over the pegasus.

"Have fun with that!" I yelled.

"GET BA—" His yell was quickly cut off by a yelp of surprise as Kumani found them. I heard sounds of unpleasantness as I stopped cold and pulled my crossbow up. I aimed it down the hall and saw Kumani slamming a pony into the wall. I shot at her head just as the pony disappeared.

She looked my way with a bloodthirsty grin just in time to catch a bolt right between the teeth. She clutched at her throat as I quickly reloaded and shot her again, sticking a bolt out of her forehead. She ripped it out with a snarl and bounded after me.

I sighed and pulled my axe out. I was hoping to avoid using it, but if steel is what it took to bring a dragon down, steel is what I would use.

She dove at me, talons first, several hundred pounds of dragon coming right at me. I dove to the ground and spun over just enough to rake her belly with the axe as she cleared me. She landed hard, clutching at her stomach.

"Sorry doll," I said as I stood. "You know how it is." I quickly reloaded the crossbow and aimed at the eyes that were looking up at me with rage. I sent her back to the staging area with a nice sounding twang from the crossbow.

_Now if she's here, where are the other dragons?_ I looked back down the way we came and saw no one. I looked back down the way the ponies came and also saw no one. _I'd rather run into the unknown than more dragons. _I reloaded the crossbow and grabbed my weapons from where they fell and continued down the pony path.

I was walking for two minutes when I came to a four-way crossroad. I took my time checking every direction that I could before using the corners to sidestep into the left passage, spending as little time in the middle as possible. That done, I sprinted down the left passage for a few seconds; crossroads are great places to set up ambushes, especially in dark tunnels.

It didn't take me long to find a dead end. I sighed and walked back to the crossroads, repeating the slow procedure to make sure nothing was coming. This time as soon as I was ready to move two changelings materialized out of nowhere. I spun around and kicked the one that I knew was behind my back and shot him before sprinting down the hall to let the remaining two come to me.

I heard them scuttling down the way I originally came as I readied myself for an attack. They were going toward my spawn, to where I assumed more dragons were. As I quietly walked back up to the crossroad, I saw why.

"What do you smell?" Minnie asked.

"Human. Pony. Changelings." I knelt down as they looked up each path. Dogs don't have very good night eyesight, but they have really good smelling and hearing. I controlled my breathing as I watched the two dogs.

"After the cat surprise I don't know if I want to run into the human. They have similar styles, or so the dogs on his squad reported."

"Changelings are that way," he said, pointing down the path to where I spawned. I hefted the crossbow.

"Then that's where we'll go," she said with a nod. I shot the smelling dog right as he nodded. He disappeared and Minnie whirled around to face my direction. She eyed the darkness as I reloaded before sprinting down the tunnel toward the changelings.

From the sounds of things, the cats were taken care of, the griffins were gone, the ponies were gone, the changelings were wounded, the dogs were almost gone, and the dragons were missing at least one. That left the naga. Assuming the dragons ran into the naga, that means they were taken care of as well if Kumani was the sole survivor. It was a lot easier the year before when we could just look into the sky for scores.

_So all of the enemies are in one direction…_ I hefted my crossbow and began walking back to the crossroad, aiming toward the direction I knew the enemies would come and sliding along the wall away from the right way.

Minerva came sprinting out of hall and just kept running. The changelings followed her but they veered off to the side that I wasn't in, quickly disappearing. I knelt down, aiming the crossbow to where I figured something was chasing them.

Lo and behold, a very pissed off naga was slithering down the cave. He stopped right at the crossroad. "There you are, little puppy," he hissed. I assume that Minnie stopped right at the edge. The naga drew himself up to his full height. "Are you ready to meet your end?"

"Come and get me!" was the answer and I heard the ringing of two swords hitting each other. I grinned and readied myself. The naga slipped out of the tunnel. The changelings pounced on him and I shot him in the neck. They dragged his body to the ground as it thrashed madly, trying to escape the impromptu ambush.

Minerva stepped into the hall just as I remembered something very, very important.

I reached into one of my pockets and pulled out one of my last flash bang grenades. I grinned as I tossed it toward the center, just as Minnie slammed her sword into the naga's chest. I pulled my goggles down as the world erupted in white. Three cries of pain rang out and I heard Minerva's swords clang to the ground.

I pulled out my axe. I walked up to the group and saw that the changelings were on the ground, trying to open their eyes but finding it too hard. Minerva was scrambling around for her swords. I casually swung the axe down at her, sending her away. I rolled one of the changelings over onto his back with my foot and set him away too.

I looked at the last one and thought about asking if he had any last words, but figured it would be stupid to say in case anything else was still around. I ended his career in the game with another axe swing.

I looked around to find that I was still in the caves.

"So who the hell is still alive?" I asked aloud.

Only Flo answered me. "We know the griffins, ponies, dogs, and changelings are gone. We can assume that the naga and dragons are gone. Which just leaves…"

"Cats," I answered with a sigh.

I heard an evil laugh coming from all four sides. I pulled my crossbow up and reloaded it as I looked around. _Miguel_.

I began walking down the path that the dogs came from. _Keep an ear out, Flo. I don't want this fucker anywhere near me._

"I understand that," she answered.

_Logically speaking, I already have the most kills. Even if I get killed I'll still get something._

"So if you kill yourself will that count as another kill?"

I shook my head, clearing it of our idle musings. I'd rather win two things than just one, selfishness be damned.

"Come into my lair," I heard the walls whisper.

"Said the spider to the fly," I answered in a voice just as quiet. "I have a feeling that I won't be as easy bait as the fly."

I heard Flo shout a warning and I felt a numbness along my back as I spun and slammed the crossbow forward, knocking Miguel back. I aimed the crossbow as he recovered and pulled the trigger, but somehow missed as he leapt to the side. I kicked out as he jumped forward, only to have him slam his knife into my leg, making the entire thing numb.

I grabbed the paw with the dagger and wrenched both it and the dagger out of my leg, dropping the crossbow in the process. He swung his other paw at me and I saw it had a dagger as well. I caught that arm and slammed his paws together, making him drop both of the knives.

He jumped up and slammed his feet into my chest, making me lose my grip on him and sending us both to the floor. I pulled out my spare dagger and spun around, slamming my dagger into his head just as his entered mine.

We both teleported back to the staging room on the ground, thankfully in different places. Kumani hauled me to my feet. "About time!" she growled.

I shook the numbness out of my head, shivering at the feeling.

Someone from the crowd called out, "So who won?"

"It was a tie," Celestia answered, making herself known. "The prize money for winning will go to the cats, since Navarone also has the most kills. Navarone, come with me."

There were a lot of angry mutters from the crowd about that. First, that it was a tie. Second, that they couldn't yell at me for ruining their competition yet again. I gathered up my weapons from around me and followed Celestia.

When we were away from everyone, she asked, "So how did you create that light?"

I grinned. "Human secret. It isn't magic, so don't worry."

"And does anypony else know how to do it?"

"I doubt it. The materials that I couldn't loot from Twilight's lab I got from Zecora. Twilight was looking over my shoulder as I did it, but I don't think she could do it by herself. She probably couldn't even name everything that went into it."

"And it can't kill anypony?"

"It would probably hurt like a bitch if it exploded right in your face, but I don't think it could kill." _The mustard gas, however…_

"Very well. I will allow this. It will be interesting to see how it is used during the war games. And between you and me, that cat's dagger hit you first."

"Then why call it a tie?"

"Because we've never had a tie before. I just wanted to see it happen and this was close enough to one."

I sighed. "You're a terrible person, Celestia."

She shrugged. "I learned from watching you."

I raised an eyebrow. "Somehow I find that hard to believe."

"That's probably because it isn't true. Now, I fear I have business to return to. Try not to get murdered by angry competitors." With that, she merrily trotted away.

I just shook my head and turned back around to find Pinkie with a wide smile. "Can I hug you?" she sweetly asked.

"I'd prefer you didn't."

"Too bad!" Thankfully, she didn't plow into me. She just stood up on her hind legs and wrapped her front legs around me. My suffering was not prolonged and she quickly pulled away. "You did great! Well, up until the end."

"I'm surprised you were watching. I didn't figure you'd find it interesting."

"One of my friends was playing. Of course it was interesting!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Which one of your friends?"

"Nav, you're too smart to play dumb. Now come on, you have fans to talk to!"

"I doubt that. I imagine most of them are mad at me. I'm the only human here, meaning that instead of earning glory for my people, I stole it from everyone else. Last year they were outright pissed. I can't imagine they'll be very happy this year either."

"You'll never know until you find out!" She somehow grabbed my hand with one of her hooves and dragged me down the hall toward the staging room.

Thankfully, it was empty when we got there. "Well, I guess that's that," I commented as I freed myself from her oppressive grasp. "I'm just gonna go."

"Go where?" she asked as she followed me out.

"To eat, probably. The last thing I had was some chicken or bread or something a few days ago. I wonder if anyone has steak."

"What's a steak?" she innocently asked.

"A kind of meat. Not important. Remember, today is our last day here, so party to your heart's content. I know I'll be saying bye to a few friends."

"Can I come?"

"Trust me, Pinkie: If I find a steak, you don't want to see me eating it. I know you're okay with meat eaters, but it won't be pretty."

She sighed. "Okay…"

"I'll see you in a few hours, then." I spread my wings and jumped into the air. I coasted around, looking at various areas that dealt in meat. I followed my nose, in some cases. It took me half an hour, but I finally found a place with steaks. I landed and happily ordered one from the griffin at the grill. Thankfully, he didn't seem to care who I was and in no time I was merrily eating away.

When I looked up from the shredded steak I saw Kumani sitting across from me. "I see you enjoyed yourself," she idly said, likely looking at the bits of meat stuck in my grinning teeth.

"It was like an angel came in my mouth. What do you need?"

"What is an… angel?"

I waved a hand. "Not important. So what happened to the other dragons in the competition?"

"We split up at the beginning, reasoning that any one of us was worth at least three of some of the other races. We were not expecting to run into naga and a griffin at the very start. The other two were taken down by naga, but gave as good as they got. I took down the griffin with no real issues. Then I bumped into you. I've never seen you fight, not really. That was disgraceful, Navarone." She didn't sound disapproving, though.

I shrugged. "I won. Sort of."

"And in doing so you removed the chances of just about everyone else of winning the team award. It looks like the changelings will likely win it."

"That's hardly my fault. I mean, I can't win that award anyway."

She shook her head. "So selfish. It reminds me of myself, in a way. Now come on, let's get you cleaned up."

"Do I really have a choice?"

"Of course you do. You can either come willingly or I can carry you."

I sighed. _Fucking women, man._

When all of my goodbyes were properly said to Kumani, I unsteadily took off to visit Kat. Unsteadily, because Kumani took a very fun interest in saying goodbye to my wings.

I landed outside the cat mansion and walked up to the door. The guard at the door stopped me. "What do you want?" he asked.

"I want to talk to Kat," I answered.

He crossed his arms. "And why should I let you in?"

I blinked. "Why would you stop me? I just want to tell a friend goodbye."

He looked me up and down before shrugging. "Not like I could stop you anyway. Go on in."

I went on in. There were a few cats bustling about, looking like they were getting things ready to go. Most of them looked up at me as I walked past them to Kat's room. Thankfully, none bothered to challenge me.

Kat was, of course, in her room and in her bed. Alone. It was kind of depressing when I knocked and she just flatly said to come in. I saw her lying there looking all sad. She perked up some when she saw me.

"So what happened in the tournament?" she asked.

I blinked. "Did no one tell you? Really?"

She grimaced. "No. Aside from a servant to feed me, I've been here almost entirely by myself. Jocasta came in twice, once to see if I was here and again to deliver my pay." She waved a hand at a bulging sack.

"That's seriously depressing. Miguel and I killed each other at the same time, making the tournament a tie. I got the most kills. Speculation is that the changelings will get best team."

She sighed. "So you won again. Sort of. How did you learn to fight so well so quickly?"

"I didn't. I couldn't fight my way out of a paper bag. I'm just really good at using a crossbow and I'm not stupid. I also have a few human tools that make taking down groups very easy. I'm planning on learning how to fight soon, though."

"If you come with us back to Egypt, I could teach you how to fight my way."

"I would, but I have a daughter to look after and she doesn't have good memories of Egypt. I plan to hire a naga from a clan near my home and have him teach me. Hopefully the learning process won't be too painful."

She grinned. "Learning from a naga, it probably will be. Still, it will do you good to know how to do something other than shoot that evil toy you have. Especially if you have to ration bolts again." That happened during the March. It sucked.

I grabbed a chair and set it near her bed and sat down. "You really don't seem that happy in Egypt," I commented. She sighed and looked away. "Look, there's a good chance I'm leaving Equestria in a year. Like, right after next year's party. I have a fun plan for transportation. If all goes well, would you be interested in coming with me? I might need your talents where I'm going."

"And where will you be going?" she quietly asked.

"First, to a place with a lot of cold. After that, I'll probably be going to uncharted lands, south of mainland Equestria. Then, if all continues going well, I'll be going to an ocean. After that… Well, I don't know. It depends on how those first few meetings go. If it goes well, the epic journey of a lifetime will begin. If not… I'll go exploring."

She raised an eyebrow. "Just what is this about?"

"I'm helping a friend. That's all I can say for now. I can't offer you any kind of money. If you want to go, you can go. If not, then that's that. I know Kumani is planning on going and I'm going to offer to let a few friends from Equestria go as well. And this is, of course, assuming I can provide transportation. I do have something in mind—" A floating pirate ship paid for by Celestia's promise or my bits— "but I don't know if it will go over."

She was silent for a moment. "I'll think about it."

"And don't tell anyone else, please. I don't want it well known that I'm planning on leaving. It'll be a relatively small and select group that goes with me. If I go at all, of course."

"Don't worry, Nav. I won't tell anyone. Though… why now?"

"Because the princesses found my breaking point. I no longer care about Equestria at all. I have mostly good memories about it, but the ponies are essentially dead to me. I would leave right now, but I have things to take care of before I go."

"What did they do this time?"

I grimaced. "Luna abused the hell out of me and then made all the ponies dream about me. Sexual dreams. It was not amusing. Celestia knew and didn't do a thing. If you are royalty or a useful tool to Celestia, you won't be punished." Though that has saved me in the past, with Calix. And probably a few other times, actually. Of course, I wouldn't have been put in those situations at all if it wasn't for Celestia.

"I could see why that would upset you. But let us talk on happier things. Tell me, do you have any new stories for me?"

I looked at a clock on the wall. "I have a few hours."


	64. Chapter Sixty-Two

Chapter Sixty-Two—I never want to come home again. It never ends well

I left the cat house just in time to get to the awards ceremony. I showed up and was given the most kills medal and a medal for tying for the victory. The changelings were given the award for best team, unsurprisingly.

There wasn't very much cheering this year. The cat delegation and the changeling delegation were both very small, after all. And of course, I was the only human. Thankfully, I had a few friends in the crowd. Kumani might have been a bit upset at what I did, but she understood.

"…and this concludes the Fabulous Flankfurt Festival, everybody!" Celestia's magically augmented voice rang out. It took me a moment to realize she didn't say everypony. I followed her offstage, where Pinkie was somehow waiting for us. I know I just saw her in the crowd three seconds ago, but this is Pinkie we're talking about. "Are you two ready to go?" Celestia asked us.

"All of my stuff is—" I started. Pinkie pointed off to the side, where all of my stuff was piled in a heap. "—right there, apparently. Looks like I'm ready." It's not worth questioning.

"Those bags were not there a minute ago," Celestia calmly said.

"Shhhhh," I hissed. "Don't question the Pinkie."

Celestia shrugged. "Very well. When Shining Armor arrives, we will return to Canterlot. So Pinkie, did you enjoy the party?"

"Yes Princess! It was lots of fun. Though it would be a lot better if my other friends were here. Nav's fun, but the more friends you have with you the more fun you have!" _That's certainly an opinion._

"And you, Navarone? Did you enjoy your time here?"

"Enjoy is a word you could use that wouldn't be inaccurate. I had some kinds of fun, that's for sure. I got to see old friends, kill some bitches, have sex with all kinds of things… It was alright."

"You have a serious problem," Shiny commented as he joined our group.

"I know. It's fun. We good to go, Sunbutt?"

"What… what did you call me?"

I shrugged as Pinkie giggled and Shiny glared at me. "I heard someone call you that this week. It fits." There was a moment of silence. Celestia opened her mouth to reply. "I mean, just look at how big it is!" She choked, her face turning red.

Shiny was still glaring at me. "That's too far even for you, Nav!" he growled. "First you cheated in the competition and now this?"

I crossed my arms. "How did I cheat?"

"You used that cursed ring to push through my shield."

"Not seeing how that's cheating. But it doesn't matter. Celestia, are we leaving?"

She had recovered, at least. "I should leave you here for that. Is everypony—and Nav—ready?" Nods all around. Her horn lit up and we appeared in the throne room at Canterlot. "Pinkie, I will have a chariot brought for you shortly. When you arrive in Ponyville, stop by the library and tell Taya to get on the chariot. She and Navarone are going on a short trip." I didn't like the sound of that. "Shining Armor, you are dismissed."

He saluted before turning to me. "Remember Nav, I want to talk to you before you go anywhere."

I nodded and he left. Celestia turned to me. "Will you need any assistance getting your things to your room?"

"_My _room?" I asked.

"The one you stayed in when Chrysalis was here."

I looked down at the pile. "I can probably do it. Pinkie, can you carry my sack of bits home? I don't think I'll need all of them."

"Sure thing, Nav!" She dragged the bag over to her little group of stuff, which included her single clothes bag and the massive bag of bits I forced her to keep.

"Navarone, you go on to your room. I have something I need to discuss with Pinkie."

I shouldered the bag of armor and slung the bag of clothes across the other shoulder. "See you when I get back, Pinkie." She smiled and waved as I started the walk back to my room.

I got a number of glares from the servants on the way back, probably because of the whole Cadance love spell fiasco thing. I don't know why they were mad at me because of it, though; I wasn't the one that cast the spells. I answered their glares with smiles. Thankfully, I got to my room with no incidents other than glares. I dropped my bags to the floor and flopped onto the comfortable bed, letting my wings just sag.

I knew I needed to go see Shiny and Cadance, I just didn't want to. I knew I also really needed to see Luna, but she was probably asleep anyway. I wanted to go to the museum to see the spear and to learn more about it, but I figured I could wait for Taya to do that. And I needed to see Celestia about whatever it was I didn't want to do but was going to have to do anyway.

I was content with just lying on the bed. Whatever they put in the palace beds, they're really awesome.

Sadly, good things can't last. I pushed myself up and wandered back into the palace, looking for Shiny's room. I had no idea where it was, though. Eventually I just stopped and got a servant to take me there. She gave my hands a familiar lustful look before taking me to my destination.

I knocked on the door and waited. Sometime later, it opened and a red-faced Shiny looked out. "Come on in, Nav. We were just… talking."

"So is that what ponies call it?" I asked as I walked in. "Smells like sex to me." I plopped myself down on a chair and looked up at him. He didn't meet my gaze. "I don't know why you're so ashamed, dude. It's just sex. Perfectly natural, especially for a loving, married couple. But whatever. What did you want to talk about?"

"Let's… Let's wait for her."

I shrugged and leaned back as much as I could. "You have any clue what it is Celestia wants me to do, then? She said I'm not going to like it, but I have no clue what it is."

He nodded. "I know it has something to do with catching the griffin that sent the assassin after my wife. More than that, I can't say."

"Can't be too bad, then. What about the war games coming up? How do those usually work?"

"All I know is that it will take place somewhere near Ponyville. I will be in charge of the day forces. Midnight will be in charge of the night troops. We'll be told more as we get closer to the date."

"Well you're not very helpful at all." Cadance came out then, sparing us any more small talk. "Sup, Can-can?"

She blinked. "What? Where did that even come up?"

"…I honestly don't know. Let's just pretend I never said that. What did you two want to talk to me about?"

Her horn lit up and a teapot lifted from a conveniently placed area on the side of the room. A few tea cups followed, setting down on the table in front of me. Shiny and Cadance sat on a couch facing me as the tea poured. "We have a proposition of sorts," she said. "But first, can we please talk about Luna?"

I grabbed the offered teacup and nodded. "I reckon we can. You gonna let me explain my side of the story before trying to hit me with love?"

She blushed. "That was… ill-advised. I apologize."

I waved the hand that didn't have tea in it. "No problem. It didn't do me any harm. I imagine Luna had some explaining to do, though. Poor Pip…" I giggled. "But no matter. Long story short, Luna raped me using a unicorn mind link thing that doesn't work correctly on people with no magic. I had no control of the situation and she did everything she apparently wanted to do to me. Some of that involved blood and stabbing me with a horn. And since the me I was in the mind link was not the me that I really am, I realized that what she loved was not me, but rather the idea of a warrior that she can own. Given that she spent the entire week completely disregarding every limit I set for her, I figured it was in my best interest to cut it off. I don't like it as I really wanted the relationship to work, but that's how it is. If I see any evidence that she is willing to respect me and not treat me like a toy, I'm willing to give it another try. If she fucks up again, that would be the end of that. Any questions?"

Shiny looked disturbed. Cadance just sighed. "I suppose that's that… Now, about our proposition… During the week of our wedding, you and Chrysalis mentioned something called a…. ménage à trois, I think it was?"

I had a bad feeling about this. "Yes, Chrysalis jokingly mentioned that. The actual definition of one of those is a three way relationship, wherein three people are in an actual relationship that goes past just sex. What about it?"

Now they both looked somewhat uncomfortable. "We… we were wondering… Would you be interested in a threesome?" Cadance finally managed to get out. "Not a relationship, just sex!"

I set the cup on the table. "No."

They waited a moment before sharing a look between themselves. Finally they looked back to me and Shiny said, "Can you… give a reason?"

"I have very few rules when it comes to my partners. The main rule I hold sacrosanct is no married people ever. That's one reason. Another is that Cadance reminds me way too much of my sister to even think about her in that way. If it was just an unmarried Shiny, sure, I'd bend you over a bed and fuck you till you screamed my name, but I'm not going to touch Cadance." They both looked shocked. I don't know what exactly they were shocked about, though; me saying no, me mentioning that Cadance reminded me of my sister, or me saying I would fuck Shiny. "So no, I won't join you. I'm flattered by the offer, though. Do you need anything else?"

"Wait wait wait," Cadance said, waving her hooves. "You would rather have sex with _Shining Armor_ than _me_?"

I shrugged. "I don't have sex with people that remind me of family. Besides, just look at him! You know his ass has gotta be tight." He was steadily turning darker shades of red. "I wouldn't mind breaking him in. If he wasn't married, of course."

"I'M TIGHT!" Cadance screamed. She glared at Shining Armor. "Tell him!"

I stood. "I'm just gonna go."

Her horn lit up and it was then that I realized I wasn't wearing my ring. I was forced back into my seat.

Shiny cleared his throat. "Well… Ever since you had the baby…"

I face-palmed. "Shiny, you're in the dog house tonight."

He looked at me, confused. I pointed to Cadance, who was looking at him with a shocked rage. "What. Did. You. Say," she hissed at him.

"I really think I should go…" I commented.

Her head shot my way. "Quiet!" She turned back to Shiny, still glaring.

He gulped. "Well, it's been… lackluster ever since you had Skyla." I still say that's a terrible name. "I love you, it's just…"

"They obviously don't teach you common sense at the guard academy," I idly commented as I strained against the bonds.

"Hmph! I bet I know somepony that would appreciate me!" Her eyes moved to me and her glare lessened. She even put on a scary smile.

"No. _Hell _no. I'm not getting involved in this."

She jumped across the room and grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. "TELL ME I'M PRETTY!"

"You're beautiful!" She smiled and stopped shaking me. "Just not my type." She grit her teeth and plopped down on my lap, giving me a pouty face.

I looked up at Shiny. "Please bring your wife under control."

He sighed. "It's her heat cycle."

"So? Take her back to your room and fuck her silly. That worked for Luna, when she was willing to be reasonable."

He looked away and mumbled something.

"Look," I said, "your wife is in my lap. I am not okay with this."

"I don't last long, okay?!"

"I don't need to hear this," I sighed.

Cadance gave me a predatory grin from her position. "Luna and Celestia both told me a few stories…" she whispered.

"My answer is final. I'm not going to fuck you. Honestly, you're beginning to disappoint me, Cadance. I thought you, at least, would be a friend that would never consider something like that. Now please get off me."

She sighed and hopped down and walked back to her seat. Her rear was shaking a lot more than it should have been.

"Now, do you two need anything else?" I asked when she was properly seated away from me.

Cadance morosely shook her head. Shiny said, "Talk to me before you go on your mission. That's all I ask, just talk to me later."

"Talking is easy." I stood. "I'll see you both later." Thankfully, they didn't say a thing as I left. I went back to my room and just fell onto the bed.

I didn't move until a furry monster jumped on my back and hugged me. I twisted around and wrapped Taya in my arms. "I missed you too, lass," I said. "Good news, though: From the sound of things, you're going on my next job. That means it isn't dangerous." It better not be fucking dangerous. I'd kill a bitch if Celestia was trying to put Taya in danger.

"When are we leaving?"

"Don't know. Hope it'll be a few days. I need to fly to Ponyville to make an order with Rarity."

"You can just do it now. Celestia is talking to her and Pinkie right now."

I shot up, sending Taya tumbling to the bed. "Where?"

"The throne room, I think. Why?"

I jumped up and walked to my bag. I took out the key and slipped the ring onto a finger. "Stay here. I'll be back soonish." As an afterthought, I slung the axe over a shoulder as I opened the door and ran down the hall. Walking to the throne room from that bedroom usually takes ten minutes. I made it in one. I skidded to a halt in front of the door and looked the guards over. "I'm going in."

"The princess is in a private meeting," the unicorn guard answered. The pegasus guard looked me up and down and gulped.

I popped my knuckles. "Have we met before?" I asked, my voice harsh.

They shared a look. "I'll see if she's free," the unicorn said in a shaky voice. He pushed the door open an inch and looked inside. He turned back to me in time to see me kick the door open.

It slammed in and rebounded off the wall. I caught it as I walked in. "Celestia, I would like to report a crime." The guards followed me in, stammering excuses. "Rape." Both of the guards shut up, staring at me in horror.

Rarity and Pinkie both flinched.

"It's a little late, I'll admit," I commented, walking in farther. Celestia was giving me a pleading look. "A little late… But such crimes are unforgivable, I've heard."

"We talked about this, Nav!" Celestia said.

I crossed my arms and said, "How far are you willing to go to protect them? What are they worth compared to everyone else?"

"They keep everypony safe! I can't help that, Nav."

"That's interesting… You know, I've heard you call me the protector of your ponies. Are they truly so much more important than I, that you would let them get away with such an atrocity?"

"If I may—" Rarity whispered.

I cut her off. "You may not. Adults are talking." She blushed in anger.

Celestia sighed. "Nav… I'm sorry. But you know there's nothing I can do. As much as I hate to admit it, they're more important than you are. Their image must be maintained. I can't take action."

I smirked. "I never knew the naga were that important to you." I nodded once. "Sorry for interrupting your meeting, ladies. Rarity, I have an order to make before you go back to Ponyville."

"W-what?" Celestia whispered, her voice almost gone.

I blinked. "The rapist was a naga. I wanted to report an incident that happened the first time I went to their caves." I raised an eyebrow and innocently said, "Why Celestia, whatever did you think we were talking about?" Her mouth just dropped. "Hm. I'll see you all later."

"Have a fun trip, Nav!" Pinkie answered.

"I hope to. Remember to take care of those bits." She nodded and I left the throne room, smiling when I got out. The guards hastily closed the door again.

"That was evil," Flo said.

"Yeah, well, I've turned evil," I answered aloud, getting a look from a passing servant. "It's not like I really care anymore. There's no 'maybe' at all about me leaving. You and I both know that. It's only a matter of time."

"Be that as it may, you do not need to antagonize any of the ponies. Like it or not, they are useful allies."

"I know. But they are so easy to fuck with. Even Celestia's getting to be an easy target now. Did you see the look on her face? Completely blindsided." I paused for a moment. "I probably shouldn't be talking to myself in the middle of the hall in the royal palace that holds the two people I absolutely don't want to think I'm insane." I wish I had a picture of the look a passing servant gave me when I said that.

"That is correct," Flo answered.

I shut up and swaggered along the corridor. I want to say that I walked down it, but at that point I think I was swaggering about like I owned the place.

"Again, that is correct," Flo helpfully commented. "You might want to tone it down." I did so, sadly. As awkward as it was to have a friend and her husband ask me for a threesome, it still made me feel pretty good that they asked.

I made it back to my room with no interruptions to find Taya sitting there, still looking somewhat confused. "Told you I'd be back," I said as I pulled the axe off my back. "So what's going on in Ponyville?" I joined her on the bed.

"Nothing big. It's still just as boring as it was the day I got there."

"Glad you think it is. I'm leaving in a year and you can come with me if you want."

"Leaving?"

"Equestria. Entirely. I want you to stay, but you wouldn't listen and a unicorn would be useful. You can come with me on a few conditions that we can talk about later. Think about it. And I mean truly think about it. We'll probably be going into very harsh and unwelcoming places. Just tell absolutely no one. I'll be making the offer to a few other people in Equestria, but for the most part no one will know about it until the day before I leave, if I even tell them then."

"Why are we leaving?"

"Long story short, fuck Celestia and fuck Luna. That's all you need to know. Now, do you want to go to the museum?"

She blinked. "Uh, not really?"

"Well, I'm sure I can find something for you to do while I go. I want to ask the curator about the spear and about my sword. I'll wait until Rarity comes by, though; I need her to make me some stuff. Well, we're both going to need some stuff for where we're going, but that's only if you do decide to go." An odd thought struck me. "Oh, and by the way, continue avoiding Cadance. She's been in an odd mood recently."

"Don't worry, I plan to. I don't want to be forced to play filly games."

_And I don't want her to be used against me. Although Cadance wouldn't do that, I don't think. At this point, I wouldn't put anything past a horny mare._

"So what kind of job are we doing?" she asked.

"I don't know yet," I answered with a shrug. I was going to say more but my door slammed open and a very irate looking Rarity stormed in. "Sup, Marshmallow?"

"Don't you 'sup marshmallow' me!" she raged.

"Taya, activate cuteness!"

Taya hopped on my lap and curled up, peeking out of her little filly ball with big, watering eyes. "You… you aren't gonna hurt my daddy, are you?" Her voice cracked on the word daddy.

"That's cheating! You stop protecting that… that _human_!"

Taya hugged me. "But he saved me! Please don't hurt him!"

"You get off him right this instant, young missy!"

"_Cute harder_," I whispered.

Rarity started growling.

Taya let me go and said in a very calm and very cold voice, "If you even think about hurting him I will end you."

Rarity's mouth dropped.

I cleared my throat. "I think I need to have a talk with Applebloom about what she's teaching you. Now you go wait outside, Taya. I have my ring on, so don't you worry about her."

Taya hopped down and trotted to the door. She turned back and lifted a hoof to her eyes before pointing it at Rarity in an 'I'm watching you' gesture. With that, she magically pulled the door closed.

"I swear to God I did not teach her that," I said.

"We will talk about that later," Rarity hissed. "You made the princess cry!"

"…Seriously?" She stiffly nodded. "Two down, one to go!"

She jumped forward to slap me but I fell back onto the bed, caught her leg as she reached out, and pulled her on top of me. "I didn't know you just wanted to get me in bed," I whispered.

She reached back with her other front leg and punched me right in the gut. I let her go and she pushed away from me. "I deserved that," I groaned, clutching at my stomach.

"Is that all you have to say for yourself?" she haughtily asked.

"I also need to make an order," I managed to get out. I was having trouble breathing… Hooves are fucking hard. I heard her step close to me again and lift another hoof. My hand ripped a dagger out of its sheath and I forced myself to the side in time to dodge the hoof as it came down. I slammed the pommel into her knee and jumped up. I kicked her other front leg out before she realized how much pain she was in. Her front side flopped to the bed, leaving her ass hanging in the air. "Now, are we going to be civil about this? Or should I go ahead and get revenge while you're in the perfect position?"

"I'll… I'll be good…" she whispered, tears forming in her eyes.

I nodded. "Do you want me to get Taya to heal that? I know it hurts." I slid the knife up.

"No… I'll let it remind me."

"Of what? To not pick fights with people that kill for a living?" I walked over to the door and pulled the gong thingy.

A moment later a voice crackled, "Yes?"

"Send a bag of ice to my room, please," I said.

"Yes, Sir Navarone."

I turned back to find Rarity had taken up residence on my bed, nursing her front knees. "Now, what happened?" I asked, crossing my arms.

She sighed. "Pinkie told the princess about… what we did to you. A few minutes ago, Pinkie showed up at my boutique saying that the princess wanted to see me immediately. Taya and I were bundled into the back of a chariot that was too small for the three of us and we were brought here. The princess had barely gotten past the civilities before you kicked the door in and…" She looked away for a moment before continuing, "When you left she was silent for a full minute before she slowly started to cry. We tried to cheer her up before I came here."

I sighed. "I'm not gonna lie: What I did to Celestia was absolutely evil. I put her in an unwinnable situation. She can't do anything to you because you're one of the elements. But she knows that it's completely unfair after all that's been done to me for me to be unable to get any justice. I can't imagine that she's ever been in a position like this before. Well, except for that one time with Luna." I shrugged. "Either way, it was fun. For me, I mean, not for her. Now, I need to make an order."

"Nav… Why?" I opened my mouth. "And you _know _I'm not referring to your order."

I sighed. "Luna made the ponies dream about me on purpose. Celestia knew and did nothing. That did not make me happy, as I'm sure you can imagine. After what Luna did, and then to get away with that?" I shook my head. "No, I was not very happy at all."

"Wait, are you saying that _everypony _had those dreams?"

"Every single one. Including Taya." Her mouth dropped. "Yeah. You wouldn't believe the number of awkward looks I've gotten these past few days. And Luna will receive no punishment for it. Even thinking about this pisses me off. Can we talk about my order or anything else?"

There was a knock on the door. I opened it and was given a small bag of ice. I thanked the fellow and let Taya in and closed the door again. I tossed the ice pack to Rarity. She caught it with magic and said, "I suppose…"

"I need some heavy winter clothing. Sub-zero temperatures and heavy winds." I walked over to my bag and pulled out my goggles and held them up. "I also need some kind of padding around the eyes on these things. I want an airtight seal if possible, but I also need a way to keep the freezing metal from hitting my face."

Rarity hmmed. "Where are you going, to need all that?"

"Business for the princess. It's a punishment for something I did, not important. I don't need it immediately, though I'd prefer to have it sooner rather than later."

"It'll take a few weeks… I have some things I have to take care of first."

"That's perfectly fine," I said with a nod. "As long as you don't bankrupt me and you have it done within two months I'll be okay."

"No no no! I couldn't charge for royal business!"

I smiled. "Silly Rarity. I'm going to pay you if I have to shove the money down your throat."

"Uh huh. You know, when I felt your stomach it was awfully empty," she said in a dangerous tone.

"Don't make Taya get cute again," I warned, shaking a finger.

Rarity smirked. "Taya dear, has your father been eating well?"

Taya cast her judgmental eyes upon me and looked me up and down. "I don't think so…"

"I ate while I was there," I quickly said. Of course, I don't think Kumani counts as a nutritious meal. I had plenty of other stuff, though.

"Oh, but you're still so unhealthy!" Rarity said. "Shouldn't we take care of him, Taya?"

I'm glad I was still wearing my ring. I'm also glad that the timely entrance of a heavily drunk Cadance stopped Taya from commenting at all.

"Am I pretty enough for you now?!" Cadance angrily slurred. Shiny was trying to pull her back, but she had the magic of an alicorn and the strength of an earth pony, so she was easily ignoring his attempts. I noticed her face was caked with makeup or something and she was dressed in what I would call a slutty outfit if she was a human.

Three mouths dropped when she walked in and said that. Shiny just groaned and continued trying to pull her back.

_There are not enough nopes in the world._ "Cadance, what the hell?" I finally said.

Her horn lit up and nothing happened. She went cross-eyed to look at it. "Shtupid horn…" she muttered before fixing me with another glare. "Come on, Navi! Don't you wanna come with me?"

"Shiny, can I knock your wife out?"

His eyes went wide. "What?!"

Cadance was muttering something. "…Clap your hooves and do a little shake!" she suddenly shouted as she turned around and thrust her ass in the air. That was too much for her alcohol-fueled mind, and she passed out with her ass up and her tail on her back. Her head hit the floor with a thump. I was left with an unwanted view that also wasn't unpleasant.

I looked up at Shiny. "We will talk about this later." I turned around to Rarity and Taya, who were still staring in complete shock. "We will never talk about this again. Pretend it never happened. Rarity, go cheer Celestia up and don't forget my order. Taya, let's go to the museum."

"Nav, I'm so, so sorry!" Shiny said, his voice pleading.

I turned back to him. "It is not later yet. Clean your wife up, put her in bed, and make sure she stays in your room. Tie her if you have to. If she comes to me like this again I will deal with her myself. Until proven otherwise, I will assume that her heat cycle is especially harsh because she just had a foal." I grabbed my sword from its position against the wall. "Come on, Taya."

She quickly followed me out, skirting along the passed out pony princess perched precariously—fuck alliteration, I've been here too long. Taya followed me out, leaving an awkward silence behind us.

"What just—" she started, but I cut her off.

"No."

"…Okay." We walked through the palace in silence for a minute or two. "So am I going with you on the cold job?"

"That wasn't the job for the princess. That was me lying so Rarity wouldn't ask questions. When I leave Equestria, the first place I'm going will probably be really, really cold."

"Then why did you tell her two months?"

"To put a sense of urgency on it and so she doesn't ask as many questions. If she feels that I need it quickly she'll waste less time asking questions and spend more time doing it. I'll also be doing something within two months for the princess, so I'll be able to say that I used the cold gear for that. And I didn't lie about the job you're going to help me with; it really is a punishment for something I did."

"What did you do?"

"Killed some people while they were down. They had been trying to kill me, so I consider it fair play. Celestia agreed with me, but used the law to make me do something anyway."

"So why are we going to the museum?"

"To see the spear of destiny and to learn more about it and maybe my sword. I know you don't want to go, but I'm not leaving you here to plot with Rarity or to possibly get nabbed by a hormonal Cadance. It shouldn't take too long anyway; from what I've heard, no one knows much of anything about the spear." Really, it was just an excuse to get away from the castle.

Thankfully, it got us away from the castle with no further interruptions. We were walking aimlessly for a few minutes before Taya asked an important question. "So where's the museum?"

"Absolutely no clue," I answered with a shrug.

"Then how are we going to get there?"

"Ask a guard. Why do you think we've been walking along high-maintenance streets?"

"Because it's Canterlot?" That's a valid point; all the streets in Canterlot are high-maintenance. It's one of the reasons that I hate this city. There is no seedy, red light district. Or I should rather say, there isn't one that's easily accessed. I've caught glimpses of the underground night life of this place, but they were little more than peeks.

I stopped at the first guard we saw and asked, "Can you give me directions to the museum?"

He pointed a hoof down the road, but didn't say anything.

I looked that way and saw nothing that distinguished that part of town from any other. "Can you be more specific?" I asked, turning back to him.

He sighed. "Go down this road, make a right past the chop shop, a left at the mill hill, ignore the lore door—it just tells lies anyway—take another right at the Proud Cloud, and the museum is right next to the Hen Inn."

There was a moment of silence.

"Are you fucking with me?" I finally asked.

"Yes. It's just right down the road. That's why I pointed that way."

"Stick to your day job, bro," I commented as I led Taya along the road.

"Everypony's a critic," the guard muttered.

"And that's why men never ask for directions," I said when we were far enough away from the guard.

Taya didn't comment.

When we got to the building that looked like the museum—mainly, because there was a sign that had the word museum on it—we took a moment to look it over. "Ponies sure don't spend much time on the past, huh?" I said. The museum was not a large building and it didn't look well maintained. Given Celestia's habit of covering up the past, it makes sense that things like museums wouldn't be used often. I would have to mention to her the idea of hiding in plain sight; give the ponies plenty of good history so they don't question the background stuff and so they don't look too closely in on the details.

"There's not much in the history books, either," Taya said as we walked right on in.

"Welcome to the Canterlot museum!" the receptionist said when she heard the bell ring. She didn't look up until, "How can I—" She cut off when she saw me and a large blush went across her face.

I was tempted to make a joke about either my rod of destiny or making her dreams a reality, but I didn't want to get kicked out just yet. I settled for saying, "Hi."

She blinked. "How can I help you?" she asked, her eyes dipping to my hands and back to my face quickly. She was still blushing.

"Is there a researcher available? I have some questions about two artifacts."

She cleared her throat. "Um. Which two?"

"The spear of destiny and this," I said, drawing my sword and setting it on the counter between us.

She shrank back when I drew the sword, but she jumped forward with elation in her eyes when she saw the runes on the blade. "Where did you get this?" she asked, not looking up.

"I found it on an underground shrine, near Appaloosa. It's enchanted with cold or something."

She traced one of the runes with a hoof. "Not the same," she muttered. "Different civilizations, possibly? When did you find this?"

"Fuck, I don't know, a few months ago? Celestia didn't know anything about it. Think you can shed some light?"

She looked up and shook her head. "Unfortunately, no. We know very little about the spear and we've had it for years. The runes on this sword are more prominent, though. Here, bring it to the research hall." She put a sign up on the desk facing the door and led us farther in. I grabbed the sword and off we went into the museum. "This is an outstanding find. How well preserved was the location you found it in?"

"Perfectly. It was an underground, petrified forest. In the middle was an altar. There was also an angry giant spider that didn't want me to take the sword."

"Filthy bugs," she growled. "No respect for history! Always trying to eat the tapestries we find…"

"Spiders aren't bugs. And they don't eat tapestries. If you had more spiders here, they would probably eat the bugs that do eat the tapestries."

"And then we'd have spiders here! We already have few enough visitors. Do you want to scare away the few we do have with spiders?"

"If bugs eat all your exhibits, you won't have any visitors anyway."

She sniffed. "I'd like to see a bug _try _to eat the spear of destiny. They'd be zapped instantly."

"…Zapped?" I asked.

She nodded. "One reason the spear was given its name is because only a very small number of ponies can touch it without getting a painful shock. We let anypony try, if they want to; the shock isn't dangerous to us, after all."

"Have you discovered any correlation between those that can touch it safely?"

"After years of trying, no. Of the small number of those that visit the museum, an even smaller number even try to touch it. Of that number, less than fifteen have not gotten shocked. Most of them were willing to answer questions, but not all."

"Have you discovered any other interesting properties about the weapon?"

"No, but we also haven't tried using it for what it was meant for. I know of you and your… career. Have you used the sword?"

"Aye. It cuts through armor like butter. It destroyed a poorly made sword. I'm sure it can do more, but I don't purposefully look for fights to test it."

"Interesting…" We were finally in her research hall or whatever. Some old stallion was reading a book and somehow making notes with his hoof and a quill. He didn't even look up from his spot over to the side. She led us to the big table in the center of the room. "Set the sword down."

I did so. She rummaged around in a drawer under the table and pulled some kind of wand out. She held it over the sword and muttered some words. The wand jolted so hard and fast that it flew out of her grasp and clattered to the floor. "Impossible!" She looked up at me. "Do you have any other magic items on you?"

"Yeah. Do I need to take them away?"

She looked from the sword to me. "What do you have?"

"A magic nullifying ring, cursed gender changing stones, and a key that opens any lock."

The stallion looked up. "Can I borrow that key?" he asked.

I pulled it out of my pocket and tossed it at him. "If you steal it I'm taking the spear," I said as he walked out. He lifted a hoof in acknowledgement.

"If that key of yours works, there will be one less great mystery in the world," she idly commented as she pulled some paper out.

"What do you mean?"

"Somepony dug up a metal chest one day in their back yard. They didn't know what it was but anypony could tell by looking at it how old it was. It passed hooves for years until it ended up here. No pony could open it, not even the greatest locksmiths." She was tracing the runes on the sword onto the paper. "Or maybe he's opening the jammed filing cabinet. The intern lost the key to that thing months ago and we never bothered unsticking it."

"So what can you tell me about the spear?" I asked.

"Almost nothing. It was found in Ponitaly a few years ago. It was found in a large buried and destroyed city of a civilization no pony has any records of. We asked the princesses, but they don't know or aren't saying. We really don't know anything about it other than that it exists and it is magical."

"Can I see it?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Sure. The museum is small enough that you should be able to find it easily."

I nodded. "Don't get attached to that sword. I'm taking it with me when I go."

She shrugged, not looking up. "Not like anypony would come here to see it anyway. It belongs in a museum, but it might as well get used instead."

I like her. She actually uses common sense.

Taya and I left that research hall behind and wandered around the museum. I quickly realized that this was not an art museum.

"IT OPENED! IT OPENED!" I shrugged and followed the voice. It led me past the spear and to a chest right next to it.

I took a look in. "Dude, it's empty."

"I KNOW!" He kicked the chest across the room. "Countless years, spent trying to open it! AND IT'S EMPTY! USELESS!" He fell to the floor. "A waste of time… Like so much…"

I shared a look with Taya, shrugged, grabbed the key from where he had dropped it, and went to take a look at the spear. It looked like your average spear, to me, but then I don't know much about medieval weaponry. There were runes carved into the handle and into the blade. It looked to have been made for a biped, but then I can't really imagine a quadruped using weapons anyway. I reached a hand out to touch it and immediately pulled away when I heard and felt a painful zap on my hand.

"Son of a bitch!" I clutched my numb hand and glared at the spear. "Fine, be that way. You look too heavy for me to use anyway." _Stupid spear._ "Taya, you want to try?"

"Not really. That looked painful."

"That's because it _was _painful. If this spear wants to be an asshole I suppose we're done here."

"Daddy, why are you talking like it's able to understand you?"

"To make it feel bad for what it did. Let's go get my sword."

"Why would an object feel bad about something?" she asked as we walked back through the museum.

"I don't know. It made sense in my head. Let's just call it a human thing and leave it at that."

She sighed. "Sometimes I can't help but think that you humans are silly."

"I think it is you that is silly, and you are trying to compensate for your silliness by projecting it on me."

This conversation continued until we made it to the research hall. I don't have many moments like that with Taya, but when I do they're usually memorable.

"So what was in the chest?" the curator lady asked, not looking up from her table.

"Nothing. It was empty," I answered.

She looked up. "That's… disappointing. How did the spear work for you?"

"It didn't. My hand is still numb. I blame Taya."

"…Who?"

"He means me," Taya answered.

The curator looked to Taya then to me. "And how is it her fault?"

"Oh, I never said it was. Now, can I have my sword back?"

"But… you blamed her."

"Yeah, but I didn't say it was her fault."

The curator opened her mouth, but Taya said, "You shouldn't try to understand him. He's being silly, like normal."

The curator sighed and shook her head. "I took down the markings that I could from your sword. If you aren't going to be using it for a few days, would you mind if I borrowed it?"

"I'm deploying soon, or I would let you borrow it. I don't know yet where I'm going or if I'll need it, so I'll have to keep it with me for now."

She sighed. "Oh well. Did you see anything else you were interested in?"

I slid the sword back into my sheath with a shrug. "Bunch of pony stuff. None of the artifacts are really that interesting to me. There's so little technological progression here that the artifacts of yesterday are close to or the same as the tools of today."

She sighed yet again. "Yes, I know what you mean. That's why things like this sword and the spear are so interesting. They predate ponies entirely! We don't know who made them or how, or even what they're made out of. We can barely study the spear because so few of us can touch it. We were hoping that when we could open the box, we would find something to explain some of the stranger artifacts that we've found. Such is the life of a historian in Equestria…"

"I wish I could help. There's some ancient history in this place that I would pay very dearly to know about." Like the Morpheus statue. Or how the spear of destiny here looks like a spear made for a human. I had a suspicion that was slowly digging its way out.

"We always accept donations," she said with a shrug. "Not that many ponies come here anyway."

I emptied my coin purse on the table. I always carry at least one with me, but I never pay attention to how much is in it. "If you need more later, let me know. I'm based in Ponyville. I can't give too much just yet, as I'm saving for something big, but I can give you what I think I can spare." Even if my suspicions couldn't be proven, I could at the very least tweak Celestia's nose by having a few historians dig around in buried history.

She looked rather surprised. "Really? You're the first po—er, well, nonpony, to show any interest at all."

"I know what happens when history is forgotten. It repeats itself. My people learned that lesson time and again, not like it did us any good. Who knows what you'll find when you start looking? If you do happen to find anything that's pre-pony, let me know. That's where my interest is."

She nodded. "I will. Thank you for your donation. Though if you don't mind me asking, how much is it?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. I just throw some bits in a bag and stuff it in a pocket. Either way, I should probably get back to the palace. And you should probably go talk to the box guy. He seemed pretty distraught."

She nodded. "Yes, I heard his voice screaming but I couldn't tell what he was saying. I'll go talk to him."

With that, Taya and I left the museum. "Is there anything you want to do while we're in town?" I asked as we walked the gaudy streets of Canterlot.

"What is there to even do in this city?"

"Fuck if I know. Whenever I'm here I'm usually fending off horny royalty." Or giving in to horny royalty. "The one time I actually tried to explore the city away from royal guards, I got ambushed. And you know, I never did find out what came of that."

"You won," she answered, a hint of smugness in her voice.

"Aye, that I did. But I don't know who ordered it or if he escaped. I don't think he'll try it again, though." I should know better than to say things like that. I hastily looked around, making sure no one was stepping out of alleys. Thankfully, nothing seemed amiss. "So Twilight said some dogs showed up in Ponyville trying to make trouble. Do you know anything about it?"

"She mentioned it, but I didn't care enough to pay attention to what she said. I usually ignore her when she isn't teaching me magic."

"I usually ignore her unless I need her, too. Whenever she starts going on about the magic of friendship I just shut her out. I can't use magic anyway, so why should I care if friends make it easier?"

"Have you ever tried?"

"Tried what? Friends? Yeah, once. It didn't turn out well."

"No, have you ever tried magic?"

I looked down at her to see she was looking up at me. I shrugged and looked back up. "No. Back home, they tell you that you can do anything you put your mind to. It took me a while to learn that they were lying. Humans can't use magic. Wanting it wouldn't change that."

"_Do _you want it?"

I thought about all the things that I could have done or prevented if I could use magic. "It would be useful. But I would like to retain at least some of my humanity. I'm already a fucking freak now, there's no reason to add magic into the mix."

She quietly said, "You're not a freak."

I didn't answer. There was no reason to. I knew what would happen if I ever happened to get back home. If I could keep the wings hidden or cut them off, I could pass as a semi-normal person. I would just have to keep moving constantly so I wouldn't have to explain why I wasn't aging anymore. And if I ever got sick I couldn't go to the doctor because as soon as they saw my blood it would be over.

She continued, "It doesn't matter what any of them think. You're my daddy and you're not a freak."

The rest of the walk back to the castle was silent.

Shiny called me to his office soon after I put Taya to bed. I hadn't seen Rarity or Pinkie since I left the palace, so I assumed they were gone. I sat at the offered chair and tried to make myself comfortable around my wings. "So," I said after a moment of silence.

He sighed. "You know her, Nav. She isn't usually like that. It's just… things have been a bit lackluster recently."

"Typical post-marriage and post-baby relationship problem. It's completely normal. Just… why me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Do you really need to ask? We're all friends, as much as you try to pretend to hate Cadance. Given your reputation and some rumors we've both heard, are you really surprised she would ask you, of anypony?"

I sighed. I suppose I should have known some of what I did would come back to bite me in the ass. "I trust you understand why I said no, then?"

"No, I don't. I know you're willing to have sex with pretty much anything that moves. Including," and here he blushed quite heavily, "me. Which is something else I want to talk about. But why not my wife?"

"Because of the wife part. I have a small number of rules. No married people. In fact, no taken people. No diseased or sick people, if there's a good chance I can catch whatever they have. No one I can get pregnant unless I can protect against it. My two newest rules are no mares in heat unless they showed a prior interest and I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy again. Your wife fits at least two of those. If you get divorced, we'll talk."

"Well at least you have a few standards you stick to," he muttered. "But you said you wouldn't do anything to Cadance at all, even if she wasn't married. Why?"

"No prior interest while she's in heat. I learned my lesson."

"Then… why me?"

"To see your reaction, mostly. But after going through some stuff recently, I'm not as afraid of experimentation as I used to be. I wouldn't mind giving it at least one shot. And from my experience, guys seem to be considerably less crazy than chicks here. I don't know if it would hold true in a relationship, though."

"It also doesn't help that you tend to attract mares that are used to getting their way."

I waved a hand. "All that aside, why the hell did Cadance barge into my room earlier, drunk and acting like a complete slut?"

He looked away. "The griffin king gave us a gift when we left. We haven't been touching it, but she decided earlier that she would need some liquid courage before talking to you the first time. She only had a little when we first asked. That little turned into a lot when you said no. She was… quite surprised."

"Now, the main question: Will she do that shit again? I do not need another crazy princess on my case. I got enough crazy everything else to deal with."

"Her heat cycle should end tomorrow. It's as you said, her recent pregnancy has made it hard on her. I don't think this will ever come up again, aside from when she apologizes to you. Now, I have some questions for you, if you don't mind answering them."

"I got time. I'm pretty sure Luna's going to summon me eventually, but with me wearing my ring she's going to have to track me down the hard way. What do you need?"

He grinned awkwardly. "I'm really not good at sex. Can you… give me tips, maybe?"

I sighed and began explaining things. I was hoping what he learned from my mind about Kat would have been enough. Obviously not. I started explaining about foreplay.

Some time later, I found myself standing in front of Luna. "You've been avoiding me," she commented.

"Why does everyone think that? Of course we don't see each other often, we live in different cities."

"As foreign as the concept may seem to you, my sister and I talk to each other." See, this is why I don't trust people.

"I don't know why that would seem foreign to me. Back when I still had a sister I spoke to her. Probably not as much as I should have, but I did talk to her." I really wish I could talk to just about anyone in my family again, too. You don't realize how much you grow to depend on people when you have someone available at the touch of a few buttons. When you get completely cut off from accessing anyone in your family… It's pretty terrible.

Luna's face softened from its relatively cold stance. "That isn't what I meant. Nav, please just talk to me. I… I know what I did was wrong. Terrible, even. But can't you look past it so we can at least continue being friends?"

"I already said I could. It's just hard. As I'm sure you know, the feeling of being betrayed is terrible. It takes some time to get over. But talking is easy. Something you apparently know quite well. Someone told Cadance some certain things and she decided a threesome between her, me, and Shiny would be fun."

She blinked. "What?" She was pretty much completely surprised.

"Cadance asked me to fuck her."

She took a moment to process it. "Huh." Then she grinned. "Trouble in paradise, I assume?"

"Shiny is not good at sex, apparently. A certain someone told Cadance that I am very good at sex."

She was still grinning. "So when are you going to ruin their marriage? Have you decided on a date yet?"

"I'm not. I told them no." And she was shocked again. "Seriously? Does everyone think I'm that much of a whore? I mean, even I have _some _standards!"

"Chrysalis is up to those standards, but Cadance is not?"

"Yes. Chrysalis may be a several thousand year old evil bitch that only lets me anywhere near her because I'm useful, but she isn't married."

She shook her head. "You never cease to astound me. So how did Cadance take the news?"

"Poorly. She showed up at my room half an hour later, drunk and caked with makeup and wearing a slutty dress, demanding I fuck her. She did this right in front of Taya and Rarity and her husband. She passed out after doing a little dance, leaving her ass in the air and her tail on her back, giving me an admittedly pleasant view of her goods. While normally I would find that amusing, I don't think it was good for Taya and Rarity to see it."

Luna was in the middle of a giggle fit. "She… she what?"

"She came into my room. Essentially told me to fuck her. Then did some kind of dance or something and wound up with her face on the floor and her ass in my face."

"Oh ho, that's rich! If only somepony had a camera… She wouldn't be so quick to go around making me kiss foals if I had a few pictures of her presenting herself in such a manner!"

"How did that go, anyway? We kinda left the fallout of that hit you two."

She grimaced. "It did not go well. Thankfully, it was easily excused by Cadance's actions. At least half of the castle was affected. But when you have a princess kissing a foal—making out, as you call it—attention is given to that. Even if half of Canterlot was affected, either of us getting caught like that would tarnish our image. Even worse, in my case. And yet, Cadance wouldn't even tell me what sparked the chase. Why was she trying to hit you with a spell?"

"Because of how our relationship ended. She's the love princess, and she thought… Well, it doesn't matter what she thought. She is not going to be doing that again."

"I know. I made it very clear what would happen to her if she brought that horrid magic anywhere near me again. Sadly, now that I have you talking again, I'm going to have to send you off. There is somepony you must meet in town. She has been wanting to meet you for some time, but your respective duties have kept you away from each other. I figured it would be prudent to give her time off to meet you now, rather than have you two meet for the first time later."

I raised an eyebrow. "Setting me up with a date already? I'm shocked."

She rolled her eyes. "It is time you met my captain of the guard. She was picked for efficiency and skill, not politics. By all rights, she should be in Shining Armor's position. But Celestia has ever been in charge of ruling, while I was in charge of making sure the country ran. Not even a thousand years changes that, it seems."

"So where am I supposed to meet her?"

"Return to your room. Sunshine Smiles will guide you to their den. It is a haven for the night guards. Not all of the ponies in the city accept their new appearances. Some have been vocal about it. So now they have a few small places in the city they can go to deal with stress."

"Sounds cool. Have fun doing your princess stuff."

She sighed. "It is rarely fun. But then Celestia's job is considerably more taxing. If I had to listen to all of those inane requests day in and day out, I would murder somepony."

"I know that feel. I'll talk to you later, Luna."

I left the throne room and walked through the relatively silent halls back to my room. I found Smiles standing outside my door, not in armor. "Are you ready to meet the captain?" he asked.

"Not just yet. Wait here." I quietly snuck into my room and grabbed my crossbow, my quiver, and a strand of throwing knives. I just as quietly left, hopefully not waking Taya up. I shut the door behind me and nodded. "I am now. Lead the way."

We were a few feet down the hall when he said, "You won't need those, you know. I've told you before, the night guard is watching you very closely, Nav. We won't let anything happen to you when we're in charge."

"I didn't make it this far in my line of business by taking chances. Yeah, I know you guys have my back, but I'd rather know that I can protect myself than be forced to rely on someone else." I loaded my crossbow as a way of punctuating my statement.

He shook his head. "You're too paranoid. I know you flinch almost every time anypony touches you. Are all of your kind like this?"

"No. Just a good number of us that have seen the elephant. You don't go through what I've gone through and come out normal."

"…What's an elephant?"

"A metaphor for war, in this case. It's actually a giant mammal that's near on three times my height and twenty times your weight. Seeing the elephant is an old phrase that went out of style for describing going to war or seeing battle. And let me tell you, I've seen some horrible stuff out there."

He sighed. "You aren't alone, Nav. But I think what is horrible for you is considerably different from what is horrible to us."

"Not different, just advanced. But that isn't important, nor is it a fun discussion topic. Tell me about where we're going."

"Essentially, it's a bar in an old royal storage chamber. It's where a lot of the off duty night guards go. They have all kinds of things. When the princess wants us to unwind, she gives us the best. Most of us stay away from the heavier stuff, though. It wouldn't do for those of us tasked with keeping the peace to upset it ourselves, after all."

"So we're going to a bar. Cool. How many guards do you expect to be there?"

"Around twenty, maybe. There might be more, if they find out that you're going to be there. A good number of them really want to pay you back for all you've done for us. Oh, and one other thing: Not all of the guards we have are ponies. We are less selective than Celestia's day guard, and prefer efficiency over looks. We have at least one changeling and a few griffins. We didn't know about the changeling until just recently, but none of us hold the actions of his kind against him. He may once have been a spy for Chrysalis, but the princess had a talk with him and he chose to renounce his allegiance to the changelings in favor of ours. He's great for undercover operations, not that we have many."

"Cool, so not many people. Now, what can you tell me about the guard captain? I know we've spoken about her before, but we didn't have much time."

"She's probably one of the best guard captains we've had in years. By all rights, she should be in charge of the entire guard. Sadly, politics and Celestia ruined that for her. When Cadance started getting a crush on Shining Armor—and when Twilight was made Celestia's personal student—his family very quickly rose in prominence and power. There was a lot more to it and they almost never exercise any of that power, but Celestia decided it would be prudent to make Shining Armor the captain of the guard. I will admit that he is good at what he does, but he is far from the best. He would be much better as a training officer. He's way too disciplined and uptight to be leading the guard. That's the _real _reason I took Celestia's offer to join the night guard. But that's more about Shining than it is about Midnight. Honestly, it's better you meet her yourself. I will say this, though: She's a big fan of yours. She's the only member of the night guard that specifically requested fangs after she learned you had a set when you looked like us. From what I've heard her say, she admires your methods and your ability to get things done."

That's not a good sign. My methods shouldn't be admired, they should be tolerated. Still, I wasn't expecting anything that bad. I mean, she was still a pony. "Anything in specific I should know?" I asked.

"Don't play poker with her. Though now that I think about it, you didn't have any trouble clearing everypony out back in Gryphus. You might give her a challenge. And please don't flirt with her."

"I remember you saying that back in Frankfurt. Is there a reason?"

"The last stallion that tried flirting with her ended up in the hospital."

"Is that because she put him there, or was that someone else?"

"Well… It started as her and then some patrolling night guards found her and thought she was apprehending a criminal and it all went downhill from there. Blueblood never so much as looked at her after that."

"Oh, it was _Blueblood _that was doing the flirting? No wonder she stomped a mud hole in him. You know I'm better than that. But if it makes you feel any better, I won't do any flirting unless it seems like she would be receptive. Fair?"

"Your funeral," he sighed.

"Don't worry about me, mate. I've been through worse." If anything can top Luna, I'd eat my hat. Of course, I don't own any hats, so make of that what you would. "So where is this place, anyway?" We had been walking through town for a few minutes.

"It's pretty far away from the palace. We don't want Shining knowing we have a place outside of his authority. Yes, it is sponsored by Luna, but he still has the power to make our life Tartarus if he gets word about some of what we have."

"Sounds to me like someone needs to slap his shit, then. It isn't his problem what anyone does in their off time."

"Exactly the princess's opinion. Through from the sound of things, you've already had plenty of turns roughing him up."

I smiled darkly. "Yeah. The first three times he tried to steal things from my mind, it did not end well for him. The fourth time he tried to steal from my mind ended up with him having his trachea collapsed and unable to breathe. It was a good thing Celestia was standing right there to help him. And then there was the tournament."

He nodded. "And it hasn't done any good, either. He's still just as much of a hardass." We saw a donkey that was taking a late night stroll glaring at us. "No offence to you, of course," he hastily added. The donkey hmphed and walked off, nose held high. Smiles put his head down sheepishly.

"Eh, he probably wouldn't have put out anyway," I commented when I hoped the donkey was out of earshot. "Besides, did you see his ass? Nasty red zit, just sticking out at you." Smiles demonstrated his name at that. "Shiny isn't going to bother you for much longer, though. Soon enough he'll be gone, headed to whatever their place is called. Doesn't matter to me who's in control of the guard, anyway; my orders come from Celestia and Luna, no one else. Shiny has tried to rein me in. It didn't work."

His grin widened. "I know. I was there when the princess mentioned how she took some memories from him. Shame he doesn't remember… It would do him good to have his nose tweaked."

We heard a voice from an alley whisper, "Watch what you say, Smiles." My crossbow shot up before I saw the outline of a night guard. She nodded to me before melting away into the alley.

"I told you we had your back," Smiles said with a shrug.

"I don't know if I like the idea of being watched by guards that report to Luna," I replied as I slung the crossbow back up.

"She doesn't know we're looking out for you. It's purely volunteer and all off the record."

"What I meant by that is I don't know if I like that I'm being watched at all."

He shrugged again. "You might not like it, but we're not going to stop. If you're in Canterlot and you're walking around at night, it'll be with some of us around. We will not let you get hurt. After that windfall bonus you gave us and then what you did for me… We aren't used to high ranking ponies looking out for us. We're used to being ordered around with no rhyme or reason. When you showed up and made reasonable orders and explained those that weren't, it was something we loved. We don't get many officers that know what they're doing in the field. Too few to risk losing them to something stupid like politics or those hired thugs that attacked you a few weeks ago."

"I brutally murdered one of those thugs, hurt one so badly that he almost died before we got him to Celestia, knocked one clean out, and made the other run away in terror."

"And there won't be a next time, because we won't allow it."

I sighed and dropped the point. I could force them to stop if I really felt it necessary, but I couldn't deny that having some trained guards looking out for me would be useful. "So where is this place, anyway?"

"Oh, we passed it a few times now. You didn't notice that we've been walking around the same block for a few minutes?"

I smacked him in the back of the head. He grinned and led the way down the alley that the other night guard disappeared down. "If you're leading me down here to rape me I'll never forgive you," I idly commented, making note of how there were several symbols carved into the grime on the walls. _Not all of Canterlot is kept clean, it seems_. I didn't go down many dark alleys, but I might start now.

He didn't answer me. Instead, he somehow grabbed the ring on a cellar door cunningly hidden in the cobblestone and yanked upward. I looked down and saw that it led to a staircase that went down at an angle. I could see lights on at the end and could hear the sound of laughter and chatter come from that way. I shrugged and started going down. He followed me, pulling the door closed behind us.

"And now that I have you right where I want you…" he said, turning to find my crossbow aimed dead at his face. "Joking! Luna's sake, Nav, I've seen what that thing does to a pony!"

"Never joke about raping me," I said, putting the crossbow up. "I will tolerate many things. That is not one of them. Now let's go."

He blinked in surprise as I turned to walk down the stairs. Whatever he was thinking, he quickly caught up. I took a deep breath before I turned the corner and walked right into a scene from a D&D game. At the table closest to the door and the bar sat a cute bat pony playing poker with a white stallion and a dark griffin. The mare had fangs and was obviously winning, and the other two players didn't look that amused. From her fangs I assumed she was the captain. Behind them was the bar, with stacks of barrels going up to the relatively high roof and a few bottles of all kinds on a lower rung under the barrels. A unicorn was acting as bartender, floating a bottle to a depressed looking stallion sitting on one of the stools. Several tables dotted the room, each with a few bat ponies talking and drinking something from mugs of all kinds. It was at that point that I noticed that not all of the bat ponies had golden eyes. Some of them were green and a few were blue. One of the guys was even wearing an eye patch.

None of them noticed us. I ignored whatever Smiles was trying to do and walked up to the table with the cute mare. "Mind if I join in for a few hands?" I asked.

"Long as you got the bits," the female griffin sighed, not looking up from the winning hand the mare had.

The stallion that was actually facing me looked up, confusion on his face. "Sir Navarone!" he yelled, jumping out of his chair. Now that got the attention of almost everyone in the room.

"Sit," I answered as I pulled a chair out for me. "If you're going to act like I'm an officer I'm leaving. That goes for everyone except the bartender, assuming officers get free drinks." With that, I sat down.

The stallion slowly rejoined us. While he was doing that, I took a quick look around the bar, trying to gauge reactions. For the most part, all that they were doing was staring. A few conversations didn't even stop as I walked in, probably some of the ponies that already knew me. Some of them looked tempted to come talk to me. I saw that Smiles had joined a table near mine, the one with the guard that had the eye patch. He cast the occasional nervous glance over at me as I gathered the cards up from the last game and began shuffling.

"Game?" I asked as my hands continued their motions.

"Poker," the captain answered. "Unless you can think of a better."

"Good enough for me," I said, passing out cards. "Hope you don't mind if we talk while we play, though. Smiles left a few details out while we were talking on the way here."

"He probably had his eyes on a stallion," the white guy said, picking up his hand. "He gets like that when he's around somepony he fancies." He smiled and rearranged his hand.

"What do you want to know?" the griffin asked, also picking up her hand. Her beak clenched and she muttered something.

"Your names, first," I answered, picking up my hand. "He mentioned the night guard had a few griffins and a changeling. I see two of those are represented here. He did not mention the captain was so cute, but I won't hold that against him."

All three of them looked up at that. "How did you know I was a changeling?" the stallion asked.

"You looked up when I spoke and your expression was confused before you realized who I was. Changelings have a small ability to sense at least basic moods, and I'm invisible to that ability. That, and you're the only white guy here. It's the easiest way to distinguish you while also making sure no one freaked if they came in and saw you."

They looked impressed. The mare spoke up, "How did you know I was the captain?"

"Your fangs," I answered with a shrug. "Smiles did mention those. Weird to see on a pony's face, but they fit nicely with the rest of the bat appearance. I don't suggest being anywhere near blood while you have them, though. You get… urges. Or at least, I did. That's why I got rid of them."

She nodded. "They aren't as fun as I was predicting. They're great for scaring the common crooks—I even picked up the name Bat Mare—but there are drawbacks."

I nodded. "I imagine they don't do wonders for your love life. I imagine most stallions—or mares, for that matter—would be intimidated."

She sighed wistfully, not answering.

The griffin and the changeling shared a look. The griffin turned back to me and said, "You never got our names. I'm Shade. He's Quisling. She's Captain Midnight."

I looked at the changeling. "Quisling? Seriously? Were you born with that or did Chrysalis give it to you when you left her service?"

"It was the parting gift from a life I don't like to remember. Names mean less to us, so it was easy enough for me to take on a new one."

I shook my head. For those that don't know, quisling is synonymous with traitor, due to Vidkun Quisling's actions in Norway during World War II. I could explain it more, but I'm writing this while slightly drunk and fuck you. "Well, nice to meet you three. Though," I said with a look to the captain, "I think I prefer the name Blossom. It seems to suit you better."

There was a light blush on her face as she replied, "I'm starting to think you're trying to flirt with me. I'm not certain Luna would approve."

"I'm merely stating opinions. You are free to make of them what you would. And Luna does not own me anyway. But if you want me to stop, I can move onto your friend instead," I said, looking to Shade. "I always did find griffins beautiful, and the night enchantment that makes your features darker gives a wonderful uniqueness." Quisling barely stifled a laugh and Shade punched him.

"I never said you couldn't call me cute," Blossom said.

"But if you're calling me beautiful then you can forget about her," Shade said, punching the changeling again for good measure.

"Ladies, ladies, please," I said. "I'm just here to play a few hands of poker and maybe socialize a little. Unless you find yourselves interested, perhaps?"

They smirked at each other before turning to me. "We know all about you, Navarone," Blossom said. "The princess warned the mares of her guard, not that we needed it after that party a year ago. As fun as a night with you might be, most of us are looking for more than a one night stand these days."

_Well, that was a bust_. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," I answered with a shrug. I lifted my cards up a little and said, "I'm just here to talk and maybe steal some of your hard-earned bits. I don't know what it is you're implying, but I assure you that I am a gentleman."

"And a good liar," Shade said, looking at her hand.

"Well, yes. That just begs the question of what it is I lie about. Like right now, I have a full royal flush." I looked across the table at the changeling and crossed my eyes.

He grinned. "Now I know that's a lie. I have four princesses." Man, don't even get me started on what they renamed the fucking cards in this place.

I threw some bits to the center. "He seems pretty confident to me," Shade commented. That didn't stop her from matching the bet.

"He's not the only one with a good hoof," Blossom added, raising. Shade sighed and folded. Quisling and I matched.

"He doesn't have a hoof at all," Quisling said, his eyes going to my hands. "I'm sure he could do all kinds of fun things with those, too."

"I know a few mares—and a stallion—who certainly seemed to think so," I answered with a shrug. I tossed a few more bits to the center of the table.

Quisling matched with a sigh and Blossom with a grin.

I set my cards down with a shit-eating grin, showing three sevens and fuck all else.

"Doesn't look like a royal flush to me," Blossom said, throwing down a flush of diamonds. _Son of a bitch. There's my other seven, too._

"I may have lied about having four kings," Quisling said with a shrug, throwing down a full house of three kings and two fours. "But I was pretty close."

"At least one of the two of us gets to walk away with a net gain," Shade said with a shrug. "Assuming we leave the officers to their business."

Quisling nodded. "I, for one, am happy to be in the green tonight. Drinks on me?" Shade shrugged and Quisling raked his bits up as they both walked to the bar.

"Those hooves were pretty unlikely," Blossom said with an accusatory look to me.

"Yeah. Weird shit like that happens in this world." And I may have cheated just a little. Then again, I just as easily might not have. I am a liar, after all.

"So how did Luna finally get you down here?" she asked, leaning back.

"She told me about it. This is the first I ever heard about a night guard haven. If I had known, I would have stopped by sooner. I don't know what it is about you guys, but you're usually pretty damn chill. Much better than the stuffy day guys. I actually had to beat some of them to let me see Celestia one day."

She shrugged. "You have to be laid back to work the night shift, especially in a city like Canterlot. Everypony's afraid of us, so we go out of our way to be helpful and nicer. Even if we do just want to crack their skulls for being stuck up, cowardly fools that care nothing for anypony but themselves."

"I take it you don't like nobles."

"That's one way to put it. I joined the guard as a recruit. I worked my way up. I've been stationed all over mainland Equestria, including near the Everfree. I'm the most experienced guard in Equestria. I know because I checked when I got access to the records. And yet I was completely unknown to Celestia. She doesn't know the names of her best and most loyal soldiers. But the lowest member of her court? She'll get their name right every time. I was overlooked for promotion too many times because of that alone. Shining Armor joined the guard. Two months later he was an officer. Three months later he was a captain. Another month and he was in charge. You can't tell me that's fair."

"I know it's not. I haven't exactly been given a fair deal here either."

"And yet you came out on top. And don't even pretend otherwise. You have the love of at least one princess and both trust you above almost anypony else. That's why you'll always have my respect, if nothing else. You took the worse possible situation for anypony to ever be in and you turned it around to one of the best possible situations to be in. Might not have been easy. Might not even have been worth it—and judging from your record I'd say it wasn't. But you did it. And I gotta say, I can't wait to see how you win the war games for us. I'm tired of losing to that bastard, just because his troops have more training working as a group and because the locals in all the places we go to help them over us because of how we look."

"I have no intentions of ever losing to Shining Armor. I don't hate him like you seem to, but I know that he has no right to be captain of the guard after how badly he fucked up against Chrysalis. He's in well over his head and it's about time someone showed everyone just how far out of his element he is. What is the number one reason you usually lose?"

"His shield. Whenever we start to overrun his forces, he activates that shield and we get pushed back while they recover. All of our wounded are left inside the circle while our actives are pushed out."

"So as soon as the game starts we assassinate Shining Armor. Problem solved."

She smiled. "One problem with that: It takes the fun out of the game. We wouldn't beat Shining Armor if we killed him first thing. We'd be beating his subordinates, most of whom are more experienced and likely better leaders. But yes, I do like the idea of assassinations. But how do you suggest we get through the shield?"

"Two choices. Dig under it or use my magic nullifying ring."

I saw her mouth, "Dig?" in confusion. "We've never tried that before… Do you think it would work?"

I shrugged. "Worth a shot. And if that doesn't work, we'll just use my ring to sneak a small group in and have a field day. You can give me and my team a list of targets of interest and we can take them down. On the way out we can kill any guard we want as long as we don't make much noise and get caught. That should be a heavy hit to morale, to know we can get in and kill whoever we want. Or we could just poison their food and water supply. Or we could go on a campaign of terror and just scare the shit out of all of them. I'll leave it up to you."

She looked pensive. "There are a number of established rules of warfare… But there are no laws about it. Battles are fought in the open, army to army, pony to pony. What you're talking about could revolutionize warfare."

I smiled. "Honey, you ain't seen nothing yet." I decided at that point to turn the night guards into the Vietcong. If the war style here was medieval line-to-line battle, I could revolutionize that in a single ambush. My grin grew dark as I relayed my plan and a few scenarios. Her face quickly took on an evil smile as well.

I don't feel like relaying the rest of that night. There was a saddening lack of drunken orgies, but I did have a lot of fun and I got to meet more of the night guards, all of whom already knew me. Most of them tried to buy me drinks, but there was sadly no booze. The only place in Equestria where you could get that was in Manehatten, where Vinyl dealt it out.

Blossom actually explained that situation out to me: "Yes, I know about it and yes, it's illegal. I could shut her operation down. However, you don't beat crime by wiping it out. You beat crime by controlling it. We let that DJ know that we know what she's doing, and we let her know that it's illegal. If she goes past the boundaries we give her, we crack down on her. If she keeps her operation small and to select ponies, we don't do a thing. If it starts becoming a problem, we'll step in. But if we shut her down, someone will wonder why. That curiosity might lead to places we don't want it to go. We'd rather have our eyes on the person we know is making this stuff than constantly looking over our shoulders wondering who else might be into the business."

Made sense to me. But that's enough about that night.

Normally, this is the part where I say that I woke up feeling like shit and hating myself. Sadly, that wasn't true. I met Celestia and Luna for breakfast since I was awake anyway. Celestia spent the breakfast dropping small hints about that stupid thing I would have to do for her. Luna either didn't know what the task was or didn't care to join Celestia in taunting me about it.

When I found out what that task was I was willing to think the former, since Luna would have seen immediately how fucktarded it was and how vehemently I would oppose it.


	65. Chapter Sixty-Three

Chapter Sixty-Three

"Nav, we need to talk," Celestia told me.

"I ain't saying a damn word until we go somewhere that isn't this room," I answered. We were in the sitting room. _The _sitting room.

She rolled her eyes. "Don't be a foal."

I crossed my arms and just stared at her. I was wearing my ring, so if she didn't give in after a few minutes I was planning on just leaving.

Thankfully, she wasn't in any mood to deal with waiting. "Fine. If you're going to be like that, we can go somewhere else."

Her horn lit up and the large window open. She walked over to it and jumped out into the garden. I followed her. She sat beneath a magic cherry blossom tree that seemed to be in bloom all throughout spring. I joined her.

"Now, what's this task that I'm going to hate?" I asked.

"We will get to that. First, I want to… I want to talk about what happened yesterday."

"You mean Cadance drunkenly barging into my room and demanding I fuck her?"

She blinked. "…No. Well yes, but later." She took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "You've become a monster. I can count the number of times that I have cried in the last three thousand years on one of your hands. When Starswirl died. When Ponero burned." _Wait, what?_ "When I had to banish my sister… And when, as a result of the excess magic released during that process, the Everfree forest was created and monsters were created right in the heart of my power. And now, when I've treated you like a monster until you finally became one. There are no words for the regret I feel."

She sounded depressed, that's for sure. "Okay." She waited for more. "So are we going to talk about what I have to do now?"

She hung her head. "I don't understand you, Nav… I just wanted to be your friend…"

"Then maybe you should talk to Twilight about what friends are, because you obviously failed that lesson. Friends don't make friends go to shitty hellholes to get raped. Friends don't make friends kill. Friends help friends, they don't cover up the actions of others. Celestia, you're a terrible friend. By all rights I should call you a terrible person, but I'm not going to. Not like you'd change anything anyway. Honestly I don't even know why we're talking about this. Yeah, I know you feel bad. But you're not going to do anything about it. So how about we stop playing the 'fish for good feels' game and get on with it?"

I think she wanted to cry again. I didn't care. Even if they _were _real tears, I felt justified in causing them. _At this point, most people would probably either start hugging me or start trying to get away_. Her front legs were twitching, like she wanted to.

Her horn lit up and her crown floated away from her head, landing in the grass. "I never wanted to be a princess," she sighed, flopping down onto the grass. "I just wanted to save ponies… Be a healer. I was the best in so many years… Then _he _came and tore it all away… Life isn't fair, Nav, and it certainly isn't easy. I know that better than you can ever imagine. But when you're all that's left of an entire advanced race and all you're left with are the dregs… Somepony's gotta take over." She rolled onto her side and curled up. "We knew it would be hard, rebuilding. It was more than we could ever imagine. All the ideals the alicorns strove for were lost in the break. The ponies were hateful and jealous of us, since we were still whole. And the changelings…" She let out a disgusted noise. "Chrysalis deserves extinction and worse for taking that deal. But we persevered until we got to where you see us today. And not a single day goes by that I don't wish he never showed up and that I became a healer and died six thousand years ago of old age."

I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about. I could make some connections between that and what Chrysalis said, but I was still pretty lost.

I reached over and grabbed her crown. "Back where I come from, we have a saying. 'Life sucks and then you die.'" I put the crown back on her head. "You aren't dead yet so you better believe it's gonna keep sucking. I think we both know what would happen if you quit."

"I want to live in your world for just five minutes, to see what it's like that it could create such phrases."

"We have worse. Now stop whining and tell me what I have to do so I can get it over with."

She unballed herself and sat up. "I hate you sometimes," she said with a sigh. "But your advice is usually good, even if it's harsh and painful. Explain what happened with Cadance."

I did. If she had hands she would have been rubbing her temples. "Have you spoken to her since?" she asked after a few moments.

"Nope. I wouldn't be surprised if she was sleeping off a hangover. Shouldn't be that hard to deal with her. She shows up blushing profusely, stammers an apology, promises never to do it again, I say we pretend it never happened, and things go back to cat and mouse between us."

"And Shining Armor?"

I shrugged. "Not my problem. He seemed understanding, though I don't think he was actually interested in me fucking his wife. Understandable, honestly. I seem to have a way with women." Not usually on purpose.

"I still can't believe Cadance would even do that. And it was because of her heat cycle?"

I shrugged. "That's what Shiny said. I think it was also because I told her no. She's a princess, not used to hearing that word. It made her seriously want me. That's my guess for the reason, at least. Enough of her. What is this task I'm going to hate?"

She finally put a smile on, which I knew was a bad sign. "Do you remember the assassin that tried to kill Cadance?" I nodded. "We believe we know who sent her. You're going undercover to find proof."

"I see a few problems with that plan already," I said when she paused. "But go ahead. Tell me why I'm going to hate it."

"You obviously can't go undercover as a human. That would be silly. And a stallion would be too noticeable. A single mother desperately seeking any job she can find, though…" Her grin turned into a smile. "What do you think about working as a maid?"

"Okay, this plan just went full retard. Keep going, so I can explain why every single aspect of it is wrong."

"The griffin you'll be working for believes that ponies are inferior in almost every single aspect. The only servants he hires are ponies. He tends to treat them rather well, or so our sources say. He just doesn't think ponies should have any kind of power at all. He has a position open that has now been filled by one Feather Duster, an inexperienced maid that's hurting for bits. She's been allowed to bring her daughter with her. When you get there, you are to snoop around as best you can while still doing your job until you find any proof that he was the one that ordered the assassination. If you are unable to find any evidence after three weeks, you'll report that you've been offered a better position and leave."

"Alright, and here's why that's retarded: No one would stop you from teleporting in, ripping the information from his mind, and teleporting him out to be judged for his crimes. And if you find out that he wasn't guilty, you could remove the fact that you were ever there from his mind and teleport out again just as quickly. Here's another reason: I don't know how to use my hooves to hold a damn thing. I can't even put clothes on as a pony. I just don't know how. You pick things up with your hooves like it makes sense, but it just doesn't. So I couldn't be a maid. Here's a third: If anything happened I couldn't defend myself since I can't fight as a pony at all. I couldn't fly away because I don't get much flight practice as a pony. And a fourth: I don't have a cutie mark. Fifth: You're just doing this to get me in a maid outfit. Sixth: There is no number six. Seven: If I get caught I'm fucked and you better believe I'll sell your ass out in an instant. Eight: You could get a changeling to do this, a changeling that's actually used to infiltrating. Nine: You could get a royal guard to do it. Ten: Did you even fucking think about this? Seriously."

"I can't just pop in and steal away a citizen of another nation. I need proof before I act."

"Fuck yes you can. You're a tyrant, Celestia. You're so politically powerful that you can do whatever you want and the griffins couldn't do a damn thing. Especially if you could find proof that it was him. And if you find that he wasn't the one that did it, just make him forget and no one would ever know."

"It would be a scandal that I can't afford."

"Because using a spy is any better? There is absolutely no reason to send me to snoop for evidence when you could teleport into his bedroom while he's asleep, steal the information from his mind, find the proof that he's the one that ordered the assassination, and then give the information to the king or whoever you would have to give it to. You would never be caught and you might as well have just used a spy. In fact, you could tell everyone that's what you did. You're sending me there to send me there and for no other reason. Shit, an even easier way to do it: Teleport in, cast your lie detecting spell, and ask him if he's the one that did it."

Silence ruled in the garden. Celestia was just staring at me. I was just staring right back.

"Navarone, it should come as no surprise to you that Luna was normally the one that dealt with problems of this nature. I dealt in the open politics while she handled the problems, big and small. What you just said is exactly what she did two thousand years ago to a small-time political rival that was making a lot of noise. I did not even think about that until now. It was in a case similar to this one, too."

"How did it end?"

"Perfectly. The stallion wasn't guilty of what we thought he was guilty of. Oh, he was a rabble rouser, but he was an innocent one."

"If this is Luna's domain, why am I even dealing with this? Shouldn't she be doing it? Or shouldn't I be getting the orders from her?"

"She has not picked up all of her duties yet," she answered with a shrug. "You don't take a thousand year break and remember everything perfectly. I imagine that she'll start getting back into the groove soon, but she's still doing some catching up."

"Back to the task at hand, though: There's no reason for me to do this charade. You admit that doing it my way works perfectly."

She sighed. "Yes. Very well, Navarone. However, I still need a focal point to get there. You will be that focal point, which means that you will have to continue the act until night falls. You are scheduled to arrive in the early morning." She paused. "This was supposed to be a punishment, Navarone. This was not supposed to be a lecture on how much better humans are at dealing with problems."

"I can't imagine it'll be that fun anyway. I still have to fucking get there. And pretend to be a pony for some time."

"You know, I could just turn you into a maid here for a week or two since you talked your way out of the punishment up there."

"That's just sadistic. You would torture me just to torture me. I wouldn't be surprised if you molested me, too. A task? Yeah, that makes sense. A task that requires me to be a maid? Stupid, but I could make it work. Making me a maid for the sake of making me a maid? No. That's just inviting disaster. I'd probably fail anyway, just because I can't snoop as a pony because I can't open anything with hooves. I can't even open doors."

"Nav, do I need to show you how to do things as a pony? Shouldn't it be common sense?"

"No, you don't, because I have no plans on ever being a pony longer than absolutely necessary. Absolutely fuck that noise."

She shrugged. "I can't say I agree with you, but I know I felt terrible as a human. I would not ask anypony—or anyone—to live as something they were not born and raised as." I opened my mouth to retort, but she added, "For any longer than is necessary."

I shrugged. I always considered the willing betrayal of one's race in such a manner as the worst kind of evil, and the forceful act of turning someone into another race the second worst kind of evil. Well, not _always _considered it as that; that belief only started when I realized that it was possible. But that's a subject for another time. "So when am I supposed to leave? And how am I supposed to get Taya there?"

"You leave tonight. You'll carry Taya on your back, like a normal pegasus mother with a nonpegasus child. You'll have a spy lead you to where you'll camp, and he will fill you in on the details. You'll go to meet the griffin in the morning."

"Awesome. Now, one more thing: If you don't show up the first night, I'm going full inquisitorial agent on this fucker and kicking his ass until he gives me the details. So you better fucking show up. No saying you'll come the first night and then making me cool my hooves for a week so you can giggle at me as a maid. That's just a warning for you."

She blinked in surprise. "I have not had a servant as wily and intelligent as you since Starswirl himself was alive. Very well, I will hold to my word. One question, though: What is an inquisitorial agent?"

"Back on Earth, there was a group called the Inquisition a few hundred years before I was alive. They worked for the Catholic Church. Their job was to root out heresy and witchcraft and all that fun stuff. They had the authority to do pretty much whatever they wanted. This did not usually end well."

She sighed. "Every time I speak to you, more and more questions are raised. What is heresy? What is witchcraft? What is the Catholic Church? Whenever you speak to a pony, it is as though you assume we know what you know."

"Usually when I don't explain things it is because I don't want you to know. Heresy is something that goes against a religion. Witchcraft is consorting with the devil or with spirits for magic that didn't actually exist. The Catholic Church was the biggest religious group in Europe for a very long time."

"Even more questions! What is religion and the devil?"

I waved a hand. "Not important."

"No. It _is _important. You have brought up religion multiple times and you have never once explained it. Do so."

I popped my neck. "Humanity is inherently flawed for one reason: We refuse to accept ignorance. If we find a mystery, that mystery will be answered, even if the answer does not always make sense. In recent years, we have begun to use science to answer the questions we have. Before we had the tools to use science, though, we looked at each other and asked, 'Where did we come from? How were we created?' The idea of a higher power was made, something above us humans that created us and the Earth and the stars. However, humans were and are fragmentary. There was a time when some groups on the planet thought they were alone, or that there were no people farther than the next tribe over. So, many of the ideas of a higher power are vastly different. But anyway, this idea of a higher power was taken to another level by some groups. If this being created us, it has the power to destroy us. If it can destroy us, we must give it a reason not to do so. And thus, worship of those higher powers began. The higher powers are gods and the worship of them is religion. Some religions stayed powerful and grew past the boundaries of the original tribe as groups grew and expanded. The Catholic Church was one branch of a larger religion called Christianity, which was itself an offshoot of a religion called Judaism. The entire history of religion is convoluted, long, and we could sit here and talk about it for hours and hours. But in a nutshell, that's religion."

Celestia thought for a moment before narrowing her eyes. "You're leaving something out."

"I just gave you ten thousand years of history in two minutes. No shit I left some things out."

"No, something big. Something you should have mentioned."

I shrugged. "War. It always boils down to war. Religion has been used as an excuse by humanity to do terrible, terrible things. You are reasonable, and would not judge an entire race by the actions of a few. The same can be said of religion. You can't judge a religion for the actions of some people in it. Most of the humans that have ever lived were not evil. They used religion as a way of defining their life, of giving them morals and meaning. They learned from the books of religion—the Bible and the Torah and the Quran and others—not war, but how to be a better person. Some took the lessons in the books the wrong way and turned to war. This was not the original intent, it was just a bastardization of it."

"I know, Navarone. I may be a tyrant, but I am a benevolent tyrant. If the subjects have been misled by a ruler, I do not blame the subjects. That is why I took mercy on the changelings and the night ponies my sister commanded a thousand years ago. I do not condemn you or humanity for the actions of a few. From what you have told me, I do not assume humans are evil. There is a hint of chaos within you, but that does not mean you are evil or bad. It just means that you are different from ponies, who seem more aligned with order." She shrugged. "But we have gotten off topic."

"You're the one that asked and then demanded that I answer."

"One more question. Do you believe in any religions?"

"When I got to Equestria I was a Christian. I lost my faith less than a year later. I still believe in him, but I know he doesn't believe in me. So why worship?"

She looked away. "Oh." She sounded a little hurt.

"Anyway. So when we cap this mofo, my debt is paid?"

"…What?"

"When we find out if this guy is guilty or not, is my debt paid?"

She blinked. "Give me a direct translation of what you said. I am interested in the language you keep using, the one I can't understand."

I sighed. "This is what I said: So when we capture this motherfucker, my debt is paid? What I originally used was a heavily dialect. I've done that before a number of times. It's a bad habit that I need to break, but I'm so used to talking like that it's hard to. Now, answer the question."

"Yes, Navarone. When we determine his guilt or innocence, you are free."

"Bitchin. Imma go take a shower, unless you need me for anything else."

She sighed. "Translation?"

"Awesome. I'm going to go take a shower."

She nodded. "Very well. I need to return to my court anyway."

"Oh, and don't tell anyone else about what religion is. I don't want to deal with that shit."

She nodded. "As usual, our conversations are private. There are many that would hate you for what you have told me, and I would not have that."

Well, that's comforting.

When I got to my room, I found that Taya was now awake and reading through what I had written while I was in Flankfurt. "We're going to griffin lands," I told her. "We leave tonight. Long story short, Celestia went full retard. I'm going to be a mare and I'll have to pretend to be a maid for a day. Don't tell anyone. Be prepared for anything and if I give you an order you need to follow it. Alright?"

"…What?"

"Look, it's not important. The important thing is that you need to do whatever I tell you to do when we get where we're going. Can you do that for me?"

She slowly nodded. "That's easy enough. Will you be in danger?"

"Probably not. I'm bringing a few surprises, just in case. And it'll only be for a day. Now, think of something you want to do when I get out of the shower. No reason to be cooped inside all day."

She went back to reading as I walked into the bathroom. A shower later, I walked out with a towel around my waist, having forgotten to get clothes. I walked in to find Cadance trying to apply a hair bow to a struggling Taya.

I sighed, undid my towel, rolled it up, and popped Cadance on her ass. She spun around with a loud yelp, letting Taya go. Taya scrambled to my side as I reapplied the towel. The bow was quickly thrown onto the ground and burned. "Don't light things on fire over the carpet, Taya," I admonished. The fire petered out and what was left of the bow melted. "Better. Cadance, what do you want?"

She had been glaring at Taya, then staring at the bow as it died. When I said that, she moved her eyes to me. Her mouth dropped when she saw how emaciated I was.

"Hey, my eyes are up here, you pervert."

She flinched and looked up at me. "Are… are you healthy?"

"No. Now what did you want? And why are you fucking with Taya? Do I need to slap a bitch?"

She blinked a few times and shook her head. "I… I wanted to apologize. I wasn't in my right mind…"

"You were drunk and you were in heat. There is no bad blood here. Just don't do it again. But why me?"

She looked away. "You're always… Well, talking about it. I assumed you of all ponies would help."

I sighed and went to sit on the bed. Taya followed me, edging away from Cadance. "I gave Shiny some advice and tips. I can give you some as well, but Taya will have to wait outside if you really want them. Either way, I am not a whore and I do not fuck everything that moves. Now, why were you bothering Taya?"

"She would be much cuter with a bow!"

I looked to Taya. "Do you think you would be much cuter with a bow?"

Taya nodded.

"Do you _want _to be much cuter?"

She shook her head.

I looked to Cadance. "There you go."

Cadance looked rather confused. "Why wouldn't you want to look cuter?"

We both looked to Taya. She looked pained. I pulled her to my side. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to." She was silent. I looked back to Cadance. "Do you know anything we could do today, before we leave? I don't know anything about Canterlot other than that I don't like it."

She was looking at Taya with concern. I felt the same concern, but if Taya didn't want to talk about it I wasn't going to make her. I myself know how hard it is to discuss something that pains you, and I know from Chrysalis that Taya had been through something terrible, though I didn't know the details.

After a moment, Cadance answered, "There are a number of parks in town and around the palace you could go to. And two of my bride's maids—your friends, I believe—are in town, if you want to do anything with them." I thought they had left. "I don't think you would be interested in any of the plays that are showing today." I saw a smile show up on her face. "If you wanted to do something with your friends, I could watch Taya for you."

"That would not be necessary. There is really nothing to do in a city the size of Canterlot but go to a park or a play?"

She hmmed. "Well, if you're interested in magic, you could visit the Tower of the Unicorns. It is where the most powerful magic is done. The entire place is covered in protective wards, because some of the spells they practice inside are so dangerous that they could annihilate half the city. If you're interested in debating, you can visit the Rhetorician's Hall. All manner of subjects are discussed and debated there. If you like history, there's the small museum. There are only a few curators and they're all weird, though. If you prefer art, there's the art museum. If you like fighting, you could watch the guards practice or you could watch the wrestling matches. There's also a few libraries, a few public pools, going on walks, going shopping… There's a lot to do here, it's just that some of them take more knowledge of the city to know about and some of them only pertain to certain interests."

I nodded once. "We're going to the Unicorn Tower thing. Where is it?"

She looked at Taya again for a moment before looking back to me. "You aren't going to let her decide?"

"Taya is interested in magic anyway, but I have questions for some of the unicorns there. If I had known there was such a place, those questions would have been asked sooner. Now, where is it?"

She shrugged and gave me directions. It was actually outside of town, presumably for safety reasons. "What kind of questions do you want answered?"

"Nothing you would be interested in, I'm sure. We can talk about your bedroom problems later. I want to get them working on this before I leave."

She raised an eyebrow. "And just _what _is so important?"

I grinned. "Opening a portal between your world and mine. If it's possible, just think of the applications. If nothing else… I could finally say goodbye. I could give my family at least that little bit of closure." _And maybe say fuck you to the ponies by never coming back._

She looked pensive, understandably so. "Wouldn't that be risky? What if your people don't like us?"

I shrugged. "Then the ponies will all die. But that won't happen. Everyone on my planet has been dreaming for ages of meeting another race, of finally finding that we aren't alone. If we could link our worlds, just think of all that could be shared! I know it's unlikely. I mean, if Twilight couldn't send me back, what are the chances these guys could open a portal like that? Still, I have to ask them." Besides, even if they do manage to figure out how to open the portal, there's a good chance Celestia would stop them before it could be done.

Cadance shook her head. "It still seems like a bad idea to me, but I won't try to stop you. Are you sure you don't want me to watch Taya?"

I looked to Taya. "Do you want to be watched by Cadance?"

There was a long moment of silence. Finally, she said, "Yes."

I blinked. "Wait, what?"

Cadance was just as taken aback. "Really?" She sounded shocked and happy.

Taya weakly nodded.

"Well then. Cadance, I trust you know how to deal with her?"

She grinned. "I've been taking care of fillies for years, Nav! Don't you worry."

Taya looked slightly worried, but she hopped off the bed anyway. She gulped before saying in a weak voice, "I'll see you when you get back, daddy…"

"Uh… Have fun, I guess?" I was kind of unsure about this. I had no idea why Taya was doing it. She chose it, though, and I wasn't about to stop her. "Remember, her wings are sensitive, so if she starts doing anything you don't like use magic to break them and run for it." Cadance lightly kicked me. "Yeah, yeah. You two go on, now. I need to get dressed."

"I'll bring her back before you have to leave, Nav," Cadance said. I nodded, and with that they both left.

"Strange as fuck," I muttered when the door closed behind them. I shook my head as I went to find some clothes. Thankfully, it looked like one of the servants took my dirty clothes and did laundry. Those saints don't get enough recognition.

Fully dressed and appropriately covered in nonmagical weapons, I jumped out the window to fly to the tower thing. I was able to save a lot of time in getting there since Taya wasn't with me, but I still think I would have preferred her going.

According to Cadance, there was an official and very heavily enforced no-fly zone over the tower, so I landed in front of the gate and walked up to the two unicorn guards. "Can I go in?" I asked.

They looked at me. "Purpose of visit?" one asked.

"Questions to be asked and perhaps services to be requested," I answered.

"Length of stay?"

I looked up at the sky for a moment to judge the time. I looked back at him and said, "Less than six hours."

The two guards looked at each other for a moment before turning back to me. "Can you be more specific?"

I shrugged and said, "No. It depends on how long it takes to find someone who is able or willing to answer my questions. But I'm leaving before night falls."

They shared another short look. "The reason we ask is because we have to hit you with a ward that protects you against magic. We can give it a time, but once it's there it's there. You will not be able to fly as easily with it on you."

I waved a hand, "That's not a problem. I have a ring that'll do it for me."

"Prove it."

I slid my hand into a pocket and put the ring on. "Give me your best shot."

Both of their horns lit up and fire shot at me. Nothing happened. It abated after a moment. They both nodded. "Very well. You may enter. If you need assistance, the secretary at the front desk will be able to direct you to where you want to go."

"Thanks, mate." The gates opened and in I went. I was able to see some of the grounds when I flew in, but actually getting inside and seeing the ground view gave it another level. The ground surrounding this place was a fucking warzone. There was no grass anywhere. The ground that wasn't singed black and burned was crackling and dry, presumably washed clean by rain. Holes of various depths dotted the landscape like artillery rounds between the no-man's-land. Even as I was watching, I saw a lightning bolt arc away from a window in the tower and strike a massive hole in the ground. I could feel the earth shake from where I was. Two unicorns were practicing some kind of combat magic to my right, with a third standing by presumably to heal either one if something went wrong. Closer to the tower, four unicorns were doing some manner of moving obstacle course with a mix of teleporting and blasting things out of their way. From what I could tell, the one that moved his body the least was the one winning. I could see another group doing something. If I had to guess, I would say they were practicing illusions that I couldn't see because of my ring.

There was a floating rock above and to the left of the tower, tethered to it by a chain with links the size of ponies. The rock looked big enough to house at least two hundred people, if it was hollowed out. A staircase was carved into the rock, spiraling from one door to another near the top. It reminded me of the floating rock above Vivec from Morrowind. I could see a pony traversing the staircase, going to the top.

That's not even describing the tower. Long story short, I could not believe I had never noticed this place before. I say tower, but the tower was only a part of it. It was a building of sorts with a tower rising to the heavens. The entire thing was glossy with some kind of protection enchantment. If I had to guess, I would say the building material was raw steel. It looked like metal, at least. Archaic runes were carved into the building every few feet. I had no idea what any of them said. The building did not have the typical fanciful Canterlot building style, but was instead built in a utilitarian fortress style, to either keep something in or keep something out.

And then there was the tower. It rose straight up into the sky. There were several offshoots and balconies on it, some with plants and some seemingly empty. Near the top, several floating orbs of various colors circled the top, floating and twirling around each other. I could just barely make out ponies sitting on some of them. The tower had to have been forty stories tall. As I looked on, I saw one of the ponies on an orb jump off. My mouth dropped, but halfway to the ground I saw his eyes open and glow a pure white and his horn light up like the sun as his body was consumed by fire. Wings of fire burst from his back and he gracefully caught the wind, pulling out of his dive and skimming the blackened ground before his horn lit up again and he disappeared, the wings continuing on in his wake for several feet before dissipating.

I had a feeling I was going to like this place.

I took a quick look around when I got inside and noticed how comfortable the place looked. It wasn't like the perfectly well-kept lobby of a bank, but more like the homey anteroom of a large mansion. The only odd addition was the front desk with a bored looking pegasus behind it. She looked up when I walked in and her eyes went wide. "You!"

I sighed. "Yeah. Me."

She grinned. "I remember you from the sky rodeo! I was one of the competitors!"

I blinked. I wasn't expecting that at all. "I don't remember much of that competition, honestly. Falling to my almost death kinda took precedence in my mind. Did you enjoy it, at least?"

She nodded. "It was a lot of fun. We don't get to do stuff like that often, since there aren't many creatures your size that are brave enough to try it." Or stupid enough. "Have you ever thought about doing it again?"

I fluttered my wings. "It wouldn't be as much fun anymore. You could try getting a small dragon or something to do it."

She sighed wistfully. "It just wouldn't be the same. There's just something about the way you kept me in place…" She was wearing a smile that I could only describe as kind of creepy. "Are you sure you don't want to do it again?"

I was saved from having to answer by a loud gasp. "AN ESCAPEE!" That was followed by a spike of ice flying directly at me. I dodged before I even realized what I was doing and jumped behind the nearest cover I could find. I didn't know where the attack was coming from, but I quickly loaded my crossbow just in time to hear a bolt of magic hitting my cover.

I stood up to aim at where I thought it was coming from, but a screamed, "STOP!" halted me. The pegasus was hovering in front of a unicorn that was staring daggers at me. She was frantically gesturing in my direction, a hard feat with hooves. His expression quickly turned into confusion, then embarrassment. The pegasus flittered over to where I was in cover. "Sorry about that. Some of the researchers here don't get out much."

"I've been here for more than four years."

She shrugged. "Like I said, they don't get out much."

I sighed and slung the crossbow. "No harm done. Tell me, is there a research area that specializes in interdimensional travel? Or, failing that, temporal mechanics?"

She grimaced at the second one. "Ever since the dragon incident, the temporal researchers aren't accessible by just anypony. I can let you talk to the interdimensional researches with no problem. They don't do anything anyway."

"Would a knight be able to talk to the temporal guys? It's kind of important."

One of her eyebrows rose. "Personal kinda important or princess kinda important?"

"Personal."

She pursed her lips. "I'll ask. In the meantime, I'll send you to the interdimensional ponies. You should get bored of them soon enough. Come this way, please." She turned and walked toward a platform I hadn't noticed until now. "Step right up into the circle." I did as she asked and took my ring off. "This might feel uncomfortable if you aren't used to teleportation."

"I'll be fine."

She shrugged and said, "Level five." She pulled a lever and everything went white.

I shook my head clear and found that I was standing on a platform presumably five levels up. There was no one else in the room with me. I shrugged, put my ring back on, and left that room. On the other side of the door across the hall was a directory. I quickly found out that interdimensional studies were given about the same respect in this culture as underwater basket weaving was given in ours. I spotted rooms for things like quill improving, book binding, theoretical zombie killing—no joke—and the science of humor in magic. I sighed and started walking to the interdimensional room, hoping this trip wouldn't be a waste of time.

I saw no one at all in the halls as I walked. It was eerily silent.

And then a tentacled eldritch abomination destroyed a door and lurched into the hallway right in front of me. I jumped backwards, screaming and pulling up my crossbow.

"NO, BAD FLUFFY! WE DON'T BREAK DOORS!"

I heard a loud whimpering coming from the middle of the mass of tentacles.

"What the fuck is wrong with this place?!" I gasped.

A pony squeezed his head past the tentacles and saw me. "Oh, hi! I see you met Fluffy. Don't worry about him, he's a softy." His front hooves squeezed past and he pulled himself out of the room. "He gets stuck in doors sometimes, though. But when you gotta go, I guess you gotta go."

I felt my wings sag as I put the crossbow up yet again. "Whatever. So are you the interdimensional guy?"

"One of them, yeah. There are four of us, now. There used to be more, but… Well, not all of them got along with Fluffy here after we accidentally summoned him. We also used to have a much better office space. But if you want to talk with the others, just go right on in. I have to take him outside before he makes another mess."

I felt like face-palming so hard. "Yeah. I'll just… wait until you get out of the way. I don't want to touch that thing."

"Oh, he's not so bad. A little slimy, but you get used to it. Fluffy, come!" The unicorn started walking down the hall and the eldritch abomination finally got out of the doorway and started rolling down the hall. I saw two eyestalks watching me.

"…Flying spaghetti monster?" I quietly asked.

It raised one of its tentacles to what I assumed was a mouth kinda thing. From the looks of things, he was telling me to be quiet. I shrugged and entered the room. Everyone looked up when I stepped in.

"OH CELESTIA NO! THE GOVERNMENT FINALLY CAME FOR ME!" one of the unicorns screamed before immediately teleporting away.

"That's it, I'm done." I turned around and walked out. I heard more teleporting behind me and came face-to-air with a unicorn that was staring at me in the hall. I looked down at him. "Yes?"

"Don't mind him. He's always been really paranoid about the princess and her knights. Don't know why. Please don't go. We get few enough visitors that we wouldn't want to scare any of them away."

I sighed and walked back in. I saw the paranoid guy was back and he flinched when he saw me. I looked around and saw a relatively large lab type area with a massive animal feeding bowl in one corner with Fluffy engraved into it. Several pieces of equipment were scattered around. I had no idea what most of it did, but I was familiar with some of it due to Twilight.

"So how can we help you?" the reasonable guy asked as he followed me in.

"Long story short, I have two theories for where I came from in relation to here. Half of those theories involve me coming from another dimension. If that is the case, I want to know if a portal can be opened between the two dimensions."

They shared looks. The reasonable guy said, "For those of us that don't know your history, can you tell us about what brought you here?"

"Twilight motherfucking Sparkle." Everyone got a glint of recognition in their eyes and some made a few noises of sympathy. "She got bored one day and decided to cast a spell that would summon the most dangerous thing in the world. Here I am. Clearly, she fucked up. How bad her fuckup was, though, is the question. My other theory is that I came from a time so far distant in the past that only relics remain of my people. I'm planning on talking to the temporal guys later."

"So you want us to try to open a portal between our worlds?" the reasonable one asked.

"Yeah. Well, I want to know if you can do it, and if you can will you?"

"It's certainly possible…" one of them mused. He walked over to a table with paper on it and started writing something. "How close is your world to ours?"

"Change all the sentient races here to humans and remove all the magic and there's no difference at all. There are a number of geography changes, I think, but the continents seem to be in mostly the same places."

He started writing. "That points to two possibilities. One, Sparkle's spell was powerful enough to reach through time. Two, her spell was able to reach to dimensions very close to ours. Or a third option that involves her just really, really bucking up. Knowing Twilight, we can't discount that." He looked up. "Do you have an anchor?"

"Do I look like a fucking boat to you?"

He blinked. "No? I mean, do you have any objects from your home?"

I opened my mouth to tell him no but paused. I checked my pockets. "Holy shit, how do I still have these?" I pulled out a weighted glove and passed it to him.

He fiddled around with it in his hooves for a few moments. "What is this made of? I've never felt anything like it."

"Um. You don't want to know." He looked up, an eyebrow raised. "Alright, you have to understand first that humans are the only intelligent species on the planet. Nothing else has sentience or sapience."

"…And?"

"That's dried animal flesh."

He dropped it like it was on fire.

I shrugged. "You asked. So do you think you can open a portal or what?"

One of the others stepped up to the table. "It's certainly possible. The only real success we had was with Fluffy, but that ended up being considerably more of a failure when we found out that he preferred eating interns over puppy chow. We managed to wean him off them, but the damage to our reputation was done at that point. Ever since then, we've been trying to find a way to regain what we lost. Having an actual item that might be from another dimension… If we can pull this off, it's sure to put us back on level one!"

"Assuming he's actually from another dimension," one of the others said, stepping up to the table. "But even if he's not, we might be able to work with temporal. We're better at dealing with portals than they are, after all. Who knows, maybe that can at least get us off this terrible floor."

I love interfactional politics. Especially when I'm not involved. "Can you guys send me any word if you make any progress? I'm based in Ponyville as of right now. And please don't hurt that glove. That's one of the only things I have left of my old life."

"No promises about the glove. We'll send word if we make a breakthrough of a literal or metaphorical sense."

"So what floor are the time guys on?" I asked. "I'll stop by there before I leave."

"First, of course," one of them said without looking up from the calculations or whatever.

I shrugged and stepped over the broken remnants of their door. I had the small kindling of hope burning in me for the first time in a long time as I walked back to the teleporting pad. I knew it was probably going to be quickly doused, but it was still worth holding onto.

I got back to the teleporting pad and said, "Floor one," and pulled the lever. An instant later I was standing back in the lobby. I popped my neck as I walked back up to the desk. "Any word on me getting permission?"

She nodded. "I checked. As a knight, you have the right to enter almost any part of the tower. The only place that's off-limits is the Orb." At my raised eyebrow she explained, "The big floating rock. I don't know why it's called the Orb since it isn't an orb, but that's what it's called. That is where the most powerful magic of all time is performed." She shrugged. "The place gives me the creeps. It just hangs there, unmoving."

"Yeah, it's definitely not normal. Where are the guys I want to talk to?"

She pointed to a door behind her. "I have to warn you before stepping into that hall… It's different. Oh, the hall itself looks fine. It doesn't even look all that long. But it's a mix of magic and visual tricks that essentially makes the entire thing seem endless. Without knowing any of the shortcuts, you have to just keep walking until you find the room you're looking for."

I looked at the door for a moment and shrugged. "I'm used to walking."

Half an hour later, I was very bored of walking through an endless empty white hall. The building had no right to be that big. When I finally found the correct room, I let out a sigh of relief. This place had been starting to piss me off. I opened the door and let myself in.

I immediately found myself looking back at the hall. I turned around to the hall that I left and saw more hall. I leaned back and looked at the plaque next to the door. It said 'Temporal Mechanics.' I backed up and closed the door. I kicked the fucker in and found a few very surprised looking ponies. "Sup?" I casually asked as I walked in.

"Why did you kick in our door?" one of them asked.

"Because when I opened it I found more hall. That shit pissed me off. Can you help me with something?"

"You kicked in our door!"

"Yeah, that's what it gets for pissing me off. I don't see what that has to do with you helping me or not." It was at that point that I decided to actually take a look around the room. A few windows showed various scenes from places all around the world. When I actually thought to look closer, I realized they were all the same location but in different times. Some wildlife was actually moving in them. The room itself was a cozy place with a few bookcases full of old but well-maintained tomes and the occasional scroll. Various couches and lounges were scattered around the room, and it looked more like a philosopher's den than a laboratory. Seven ponies were sitting around the couches. Two of them had pipes and funny hats. One of the funny hat guys was the one that was talking to me.

The one that was speaking sighed. "What do you need help with?"

I stepped in farther, gently kicking the door closed. "I think that when I was summoned, I was summoned from the past. I want to know if this can be confirmed and if it can, I want a portal to be opened so I can go back."

He rolled his eyes. "Even if you did come from some time in the past, sending you back now could disrupt the entire timeline. The effect you would have is unimaginable. It isn't worth the risk."

"That's not even how time travel works," I answered.

He scoffed. "And how would _you _know that?"

"Because I live with Twilight motherfucking Sparkle." They all groaned. "She was actually stupid enough to send herself back in time by, like, a week. It was then that I realized that time is not a river with separate branches of different things happening. Time is an ocean. If I get sent back in time now, that means I already did whatever it is I would do when I was sent back in time. So there are absolutely no consequences of time traveling. Either you did it and what you changed was already changed, or you didn't do it and nothing goes wrong. The only point of contention I should have to argue is why you should help send me back in time, not if time traveling is too dangerous to even contemplate."

The fellow in the hat that wasn't talking smirked at the one that had been. "I always told you! Ever since we started, I told you! Consequences my flank." He jumped up and walked over to one of the tables. His horn lit up and some books flew over from a bookcase. "Even if it took a mare as dangerously single-minded as Twilight to prove me right, I'm _still _right." He opened one of the books, read a few lines, let his horn light up, and he popped out of view. He reappeared a second later. "And now I just told myself when I was despairing three years ago to hold onto my belief that I was right." He turned to face the others and myself. "So how can we help you?"

_I have no idea what just happened._ "Long story short, Twilight used a spell to summon me. That spell was supposed to only get things from this world. It got me. I have two theories. One is that she fucked up and pulled me from another dimension. The other is that she fucked up and pulled me from the past. I don't know yet which is true, but I'm leaning toward the past. I want to know if a portal can be opened to connect the past with the future."

He grabbed his hat and pipe and set them on the table before beginning to pace. "It is _possible_… But if you come from the past, something had to have killed off or changed your kind. We don't know what that something is or when it happened. If we open a portal, it is entirely possible that we would run into whatever it was that did it. It's too risky to even contemplate." He stopped and turned to me, pointing a hoof at me. "That does not mean we can't send you back." He set his hoof down and went back to pacing. "There is a spell that allows a pony to go back in time, but the duration of the spell is short and casting it even over short periods of time is hard. We would need a general time period to aim at and we would need a massive amount of magic power. It is not an easy task you propose. Why do you desire to return?"

"I wanted a portal for cultural and technological exchange. Humans are scientific geniuses, but we have no magic. Ponies are magical and all that, but have no ambition or drive to increase technology. Together, the two races could become powerhouses. And even more importantly, I wanted to save some humans from whatever kills us. Even if it's just a few… That and I'm really getting tired of being alone. Even if I can't stay long in my time, I want to go back home. Selfish, perhaps, but that's what it is."

"Not perhaps," the pony answered, nodding. "Definitely selfish. But there is nothing wrong with that. If you are from the past, you are the only definite link we have to that time. I wouldn't give the chance to check up for anything in the world. Do you know how long ago it might have been?"

I shrugged. "Absolutely no clue at all. I know that if I did come from the past, the Morpheus statue that Luna owns is an artifact from my people. The spear of destiny is probably an artifact of ours. I don't know about any others. And I do have an item that came with me." I pulled out my other glove and held it up. "Do you think any of them would be useful?"

His horn lit up and I let the glove fly to him. "We… might be able to do something with this. If not this, then perhaps one of the other objects. Sadly, there is no test to see where or when a pony—or a human, in this case—comes from. We can tell how old you are, but that isn't the same as when you come from if you skipped a large portion of history." He shrugged. "We'll do what we can, but no promises."

"I never expected any. Doing what you can is enough. If you make any progress, can you let me know?"

He nodded. "Of course. It has been a long time since we had an actual project to work on!" He grinned darkly. "It's about time, too. Now, can we help you with anything else?"

I looked back at the broken door for a moment before looking to the guy. "How do I get back to the entrance?"

He pointed to a closet door. "Take that and go to either end."

I shrugged and stepped through the door. I was put into an identical hallway that was a lot shorter than the others. _Flo, does this place make sense to you?_

"Yes, actually. I could not replicate it or explain it, but it makes sense. To put it in a way that you can understand, reality is folded in this location. I don't know if the ponies did that or if reality was already folded and the ponies took advantage of it."

"Why have you been so silent lately?" I asked as I started walking down the hall.

"You haven't been listening to my advice anyway. Why give it if I am just going to be ignored?"

"So you can say 'I told you so' when it all goes wrong."

She sighed. "That won't make me feel any better when your head is on the chopping block. I know that you've been driven to and beyond your limit, but you really need to start being more careful with what you say and do."

"I have no intention of getting killed until after I start saving elementals. Then, all bets are off."

"If I didn't know you were joking that would make me very angry. Even then, you should not joke about something like that, Nav. Life is sacred, and you should not look for ways to throw yours away. Especially if it endangers others around you!" She sighed into my mind. "I suppose it is my due for taking such a torn soul into my service. I can't wait until I am free, and can protect you the way you deserve."

"Whoa, now. Shit like that raises red flags with me, you know that."

"I know, Nav. I would not do anything to you that you would dislike. Even if you are thinking about abandoning me."

"I never planned to stay home forever. With these wings I would still probably end up in a lab if I was there for too long. Though if I'm just going for a limited amount of time before we're automatically pulled back, that shouldn't be an issue."

She let out a petulant hmph. And just so you readers are aware, she informed me when I wrote that line that she wasn't being petulant. Also just so you readers are aware, you're all terrible people and are going to pony hell for reading my diaries.

Anyway, I reached the end of the hallway with silence in my head. I opened the door and found that I was in the lobby somehow. I sighed and just walked on through. The secretary chick stopped me. "Did you find everything you were looking for?"

"Yep. Got two groups working on my problem now. Hopefully at least half of them will turn something up. Thanks for your help, too."

She smiled. "You know, I can think of a good way for you to repay me…"

I grinned, knowing where this was going. I opened my mouth to respond when the door exploded and a tentacle monster burst in, holding several squirming ponies in its grasp.

"DAMMIT FLUFFY, WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DOORS! AND PUT THOSE PONIES DOWN!"

She sighed and said, "Another time perhaps." She bent down to grab a rolled up newspaper and flew off toward the abomination. She smacked a few of its tentacles. I figured they knew what they were doing, and skirted around the writhing monster and left the tower.

All in all, that place was weird as fuck.

On Flo's advice, I walked through Canterlot instead of flying above it. She gave the reasoning that if Taya asked to stay with Cadance, she had a reason, and that I shouldn't rush her by showing up to get her too soon.

I didn't really care, myself. If Taya wanted to do that to herself, I wasn't going to stand in her way. _I wonder if that makes me a bad parent._

Well, I already knew I was a bad parent, so I guess I don't really need even more reasons for it.

I got back to the palace with plenty of time to spare. It wasn't even dinner time yet. I was tempted to go and find something to do for a few hours, but I knew Taya would probably be aching to escape Cadance by now. As I walked down the hall to Cadance's room, I was honestly kind of surprised that I didn't hear general bedlam.

I got to Cadance's door and knocked. A moment later Cadance answered it, her ears low. She perked up a little when she saw me.

"I trust she was no problem?" I asked.

"You… you could say that." She pulled the door open farther and ushered me inside. Taya was sitting in the middle of the floor, staring at Cadance.

I crossed my arms. "Have you been staring at her the entire time?" Taya blinked and rubbed at her eyes before looking at me and nodding. "Taya, that is what we call rude. You could have proven your point just as easily by refusing to stay with her. Now you've gone and spooked one of the few people I have that I can honestly call a friend." She looked away when she realized she was being rebuked. I really didn't want to say this next line, because it always made me feel like shit when I was a kid. "Now what do you say?"

Her ears drooped and she whispered, "I'm sorry."

Cadance hopped over and wrapped her in a hug. "It's okay!"

Taya looked up at me, fear in her eyes. I sighed and said, "Taya, would you kindly wait outside? I have something I need to talk to Cadance about."

Cadance released her and Taya wasted no time in making herself scarce. I claimed a seat and Cadance sat across from me. "So…" she said.

"Some of what I'm about to say is going to be very awkward and you are going to have a hard time even imagining yourself doing them. Listen anyway. Let me tell you about the joys of BDSM and giving rather than receiving…"

A few hours later, a very reluctant Taya was being fastened to my newly feminine equine back. "This is a terrible idea," she announced when she was safely tied onto me.

"For what it's worth, it was an even worse idea twelve hours ago," I answered.

"Stop complaining," Celestia told me. "You're lucky I'm not making you stay there for three weeks."

"Taya, was I complaining?"

"No, you were stating valid issues."

"That's what I thought."

"Navarone, I am very capable in making this worse on you and I have every right to do so. Do not tempt me." I mumbled something mean spirited but didn't say anything. "That is what I thought. Now hold still, this will sting."

I looked back in time to see her lower her shining horn to my ass. I stiffened as white hot pain seared into my back leg. "FUCKING BITCH!"

"I told you it would sting. Now stop squirming, I have to get the other side." I tried kicking back at her but she caught me with magic. The same searing pain hit my other leg. "There. I'll have to heal you when you get back, but those should pass casual inspection."

I now had two matching dusters on both flanks. "And why," I asked through gritted teeth, "did you wait until Taya was on me?"

"To make sure she was securely attached, of course. You didn't jump around nearly as much as I was expecting. You're a good little pony, aren't you?"

I let out a deep breath. "Taya, do something to her to express the hate I feel inside of me right now."

She turned her head to look Celestia up and down. "She's not even worth the effort of coming up with an insult." Celestia jerked back.

"True," I said with a shrug. "Where are we going? The sooner I can get off my legs the better."

Celestia looked very deeply insulted, and I took a minute to feel happy that we were the only ones on the balcony. She quickly put on a neutral face again. "You will meet the contact at an inn in Gryphus. The Gilded Griffin, it is called. A silly name, but I've heard worse. He will tell you where to go and what to do. Navarone, remember your vocabulary. Everypony, somepony, anypony. If anything goes wrong, call my name. I will be watching, but my attention might be elsewhere. Luna will come at the stroke of midnight tomorrow night. She will wait until you two are alone, if possible. This will be good training for her, I think. Do you have any questions?" I looked over at her and she blinked. "Oh buck, I forgot your eyes." Her horn lit up and my eyes went through a stinging sensation as my pupils returned to their normal shapes. The shadows lengthened and what was before clear as day was now dark and dreary. "Now, again, do you have any questions?"

I stretched my wings. "None. Taya, you ready for this?" She gripped me tighter. "Let's do this." I jumped off the balcony that led straight off the side of the mountain. My grin grew and grew as we hurtled to the ground. There were two things that made me lift my wings and catch an air current, sending us shooting up and forward, over the large plains and low hills away from Canterlot. "Sleep while you can!" I called over my shoulder. "We're in for one long fucking flight."

Over hills and forests and villages and mountains… Looking back, the only reason I was able to make that flight was because I am unable to grow tired. I went full speed the entire way there. I had no reason to stop. It was then that I realized I could probably free the elementals and whatnot by myself, if I really felt up to it.

I arrived at Gryphus a few hours before sunrise. I had no idea what the streets would be like at that hour for someone that looked like I did, but I knew if push came to shove I could wake Taya up and she could turn anyone that looked at me funny into paste. I landed near a bored looking guard.

He flinched when he heard my hooves hit the cobblestones. He blinked and rubbed his eyes when he saw me. When he confirmed that I was real, he said, "It isn't safe for a lass like you to be out here alone."

I nodded. "I am aware. I was supposed to meet a friend at an inn here, a place called The Gilded Griffin. His directions were terrible. Can you point me to it?"

He sighed and stretched his wings. "Follow me. I haven't moved in the past five hours anyway, might as well take you there." With that, he leapt into the air. I joined him, sadly; my wings were at that point very stiff. Even if I don't get tired, that doesn't mean my body can't get sore. He shot off and I followed him, straining to make my wings work.

I lasted long enough to get to the inn, at least. "Here you are, ma'am," he said with a nod. "It's a comfortable enough place. A word of advice: Don't drink mead and don't let your hatchling have any either. It never agrees with those that aren't used to it."

I nodded back. "Thank you for your help and advice." He sketched a weak salute and jumped into the air to return to his position. I entered the inn.

It wasn't until I was inside that I realized that, holy shit, I actually managed to open the door. I looked at my hoof in confusion before my attention was called by the only person in the room. "Either get in or get out but either way shut the damn door."

I kicked the door shut behind me and stepped further into the dim light of the tavern. There was a single griffin awake, looking at me with a very bored expression that perked up when he got a good look at me. "He didn't tell me he was waiting on a _pretty _mare." He grinned. "How about you ditch him and come to my room instead?"

We heard the sound of a cleared throat from the staircase. We both looked up and saw an earth pony descending. "It is about time you arrived, Feather. Why are you late?"

I rolled my eyes. "If the directions you had given me were better, I would have been here sooner. I had to ask a guard to show me the way. The next time I need a job I'll ask somepony else."

He sniffed. "Think about that the next time you get run out of Trottingham. Now come on. You don't have much longer before you have to get to work." I rolled my shoulders and followed him up the stairs. Knowing the griffin was watching my flank, I let my tail swish considerably more than I should have.

The earth pony pulled me into a random room and shut the door behind us. "She didn't tell me she was sending someone that looked like _you_!" he whispered as soon as he could.

"I am what she had to send," I answered just as quietly.

He took a deep breath and let it out. "What orders were you given? How long are you supposed to be here?"

"I have to last until tonight. Why?"

He finally smiled. "You should be safe. The griffin you are going to be working for has a few guards that do not like hearing the word no. They have harassed a few of the female staff. I do not know how far the harassment goes, but most of them do not have foals. With her there… Let's just say that it's good you aren't going to be there long. One more word of advice: The griffin you are working for is not married and he is a player that would not feel bad about stooping to sleeping with his maids. As far as I know none of his flirts have gone anywhere, but just beware that he might try flirting with you. Just don't drink anything he gives you."

"What, mead? I'd drink him under the table."

He barked a laugh. "You are welcome to try, but if you wake up with an aching hindquarters and a burning skull, you have only yourself to blame." I've heard horror stories of having sex with griffin males. I had no intention of ever trying it. "Now, how are your wings? Are you able to fly?"

I tried moving them to find that they were thoroughly stiff. I shook my head. "I flew in from fucking Canterlot. I'm grounded."

He grimaced and reached up to my back to pull Taya down. He gently set her sleeping form on the bed before turning back to me. "This means nothing," he said before somehow kicking my legs out from under me and pulling my wings up. He straddled my back and stretched them awkwardly, doing his best to avoid hitting any of the stronger pleasure spots. It still felt awesome, though I sadly knew I needed to pretend to keep it professional. After a few minutes he stopped and got off my. "Try now."

I didn't trust my legs just yet, so I stretched my wings. They still felt sore, but I could actually fly. I sighed in delight. "I don't suppose we can try that again, but with it meaning something?"

He giggled. "I think my wife would disapprove. Now come on, you need to get moving if you want to reach the manor in time."

"Shit, don't tell me it's more hours of flying. I sure don't feel like going that far."

"It's around an hour of flight. You need to get there early, to scope the place out. First thing's first: Your uniform." He walked over to a drawer, opened it, and pulled something out.

"…You're joking, right?"

He grinned. "Nope. It seems our griffin friend took a trip to Prance and fell in love with their uniforms. Don't worry, you'll fit in with the other maids." He looked me up and down. "Well, sort of. The princess already sent your specs here, so this should fit well. If not, what's one day?" He walked over to the small bag that he removed from me while removing Taya. He opened it up and blinked. "Why do you have a belt of knives in here?"

"Because fuck you, that's why. I ain't going nowhere I might get molested or worse without some weapons. Stuff the outfit in there and tell me where I need to go."

He shrugged and carefully folded it up and stored it in my pack. That done, he walked over to a table. "This is the map," he said, unrolling a page. I walked over as he pointed things out. "We're here. This is his mansion, to the west. It's nestled in a valley between a mountain and a large hill. You'll probably have a hard time spotting it, which is why you're leaving so soon." He gave me further directions. "Now, how tired are you? Do you think you can last all day?"

I nodded. "I'll be fine, as long as I don't have to do much flying. I have a lot of stamina."

"Good. When the sun comes up, go up to the mansion. You should have no trouble finding the head maid. Now, do you have any questions?"

"Yeah. What will I have to do?"

He blinked. "Seriously?" I shrugged. "Maid things. Dust. Clean clothes, if there are any to be cleaned. You might be called to wait on the master of the house. Be polite and respectful and do not anger anypony. Remember to call him Master or whatever other name the first maid tells you to call him. What kind of act are you going to use?"

"The 'keep my head low and don't say anything more than necessary' one. Taya and I are going to stay out of the way and not say a damn thing unless asked a direct question. Speaking of which, what is she supposed to do?"

"Who, her?" he asked, looking at the filly on the bed. "She can stay in the room you are given. Or, for most tasks, she can be with you as long as she stays out of the way. There are also a few other foals she can play with, if you believe she can stay silent about your mission."

"She won't be a problem. Now, we need to get moving again. Can you reattach her to my back?"

He walked over to where she had rolled into a filly ball and picked her up again. A moment later she was trying to curl around my back. Given that she was getting tied down, it wasn't working out well for her. I swear I heard the stallion mutter something about diabetes, but I think I misheard him.

"You're good to go," he finally said. "Good luck, and remember that if push comes to shove the griffins respect strength."

"Hope I won't need that. I focus on dexterity rather than strength."

"There is a valor in being able to avoid combat and blows, but that is something the griffins will probably not respect. Either way, good luck. Go out through the window; I don't want the innkeeper to see you leave."

I stretched my wings one last time as he opened the window for me. I nodded once and hopped out, quickly angling my body to the west and looking for landmarks.

An hour later, I alighted on an outcropping on the mountain behind the mansion. Night still reigned, and I could hear Taya's low breathing on my back. I looked down on the mansion and cursed my new lack of night-eyes. I could not see nearly as much as I should have been able to.

From what I could see, the manor—village was more like it, honestly—was nice and comfortable looking. There were only two noticeable guards, and they didn't seem to be doing much of anything but sitting around and talking. No one else was out and about. I knew right then that if I had been in my human body I could sneak down there and steal the information I needed.

In fact… "Luna, I know you're watching. How about we save ourselves a few hours and just go and get the information we need now? I know you have some creepy magic that can get us inside that place unseen, now that we're close enough. We can sneak right past everyone that's awake."

A minute passed before I got any kind of response. A mass of inky blackness appeared and grew beside me and Luna slowly materialized silently next to me. Together, we peered down at the manor. "Celestia is not going to be pleased, Navarone," she told me, still looking down.

"And?"

"There was no and. She will not be pleased. That is for you to deal with. Remain here, out of sight. I will be back momentarily." With a short glowing of her horn, she imploded into shadow again. I saw her darkness swirling down the mountain toward the manor. In seconds she was inside. I settled down on the mountain to try to watch. When I realized that honestly I couldn't see a damn thing, I turned my eyes to the sky. The Canadian night out in the wilderness is a beautiful thing.

I felt Taya jump and heard her mutter something. Soon after I felt her legs wrap around me. "Are we there yet?"

"Yes. And we are probably going home very soon. We got here just in time to skip doing anything."

"Good. So what are we waiting for?"

"Luna. She should be back shortly."

It didn't take her that long to rejoin us. "He is guilty. I was given the authority to arrest him. Remain here, Navarone. I will be back shortly."

She teleported out and was back an instant later with the male stone, my axe, my armor, and two sets of shackles. "Get dressed," she ordered, pulling Taya off my back and turning me back into a human.

I grabbed the blue stone and put on the armor, wishing I had something to go on underneath it. I reached into the travel pack and pulled the knife belt out from around the maid costume and buckled it around my waist. I put the chains around my neck, hanging down my chest. Finally, I pulled the axe over my shoulders. I looked up to Luna. "One more thing," she said. Her horn lit up and I felt my eyes return to their cat-like state. I also felt my wings turn bat-like and a moment after I felt my gums explode as my fangs burst out. "You are my knight, not my special somepony, and you will look the part." She grinned. "And I suppose I should remove the brands on your flanks." I felt a burst of healing soothe my aching ass as the damage done was removed. "Taya, wait in my room. We will be back there shortly." Her horn lit up and Taya disappeared before she could say a word. "Are you ready?"

I tried stretching my wings. They were stiff as hell. "I can't fly like this. I just flew from fucking Canterlot."

She shrugged. "Then we will ride the darkness. It is not like teleporting. Do not even try to control it. Bad, bad things happen to those that try and fail."

"Wait, wha—" Her horn lit up and the world melted into brightness. What had been shadows was now light and what had been light were now shadows. Luna skirted the edges of the torches, sticking to what normal people would call darkness. We floated over everything effortlessly. I wasn't about to test what she said about controlling shadows, especially since I had no idea what she was talking about. I just let myself be pulled along. We landed outside the entrance of the main manor.

"Navarone, this door is in my way." I glanced at her. She was looking disdainfully at the door. I shrugged and opened it for her. It was an easy feat, seeing as how it was unlocked.

There was a guard in the foyer, though. "Who goes th—" He choked when he saw us. "Wh-wh-what do you want?"

Luna seemed content to stay silent. "Where is the master of the house?" I demanded.

He seemed to grow a backbone. "And who are you to ask such a thing?"

Luna stepped forward. "Do you dare?" she hissed at him.

He gulped and said in a voice tight with fear, "Master Hestra is in bed. If you like—"

"Take us to him. Now." I was having fun scaring this guy. He gulped and quickly started leading us through the mansion. "And if you are considering leading us to the barracks in an attempt to fight us," I calmly said, "you will want to rethink your plan. Neither of us will hesitate to end you in the most painful way possible."

He gulped and quickly took a side passage. Luna nodded approvingly. The griffin stopped outside of a random door and lifted a talon to weakly knock at it. I kicked the door open and let myself inside. The griffin on the bed right inside jumped up, forced awake. "Hestra, you are under arrest for the attempted assassination of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. You can come quietly or you can go to jail with a few broken bones. Which will it be?"

That woke him up quietly. "W-what? What right do you have to arrest me?"

Luna stepped forward and he gasped. "You may not remember the agreement signed, but I do. As per the Kestrel/Equine Treaty, you are under arrest. I suggest you come quietly."

He scowled, hopping from his bed. "You will not take me so—" A punch to the beak from a gauntleted fist shut him up. He reeled back before leaping forward at me. I caught him with one hand and slammed him onto the floor.

"Something fun I learned about griffin anatomy the last time I fought one," I idly commented as I wrestled his talons together. "You fuckers have hollow bones. Oh, you're plenty strong, but if someone is well armored and fast enough, you can't do a damn thing."

He was steadily screaming griffin obscenities and insults, demanding that his guards come and assist him. A crowd was growing outside of his room, ponies and griffins looking in to see what was going on. Occasionally he would manage to hit my armor with his talons, but all it did was make a nasty screech and put a few scratches in it.

Soon enough, I had him suitably damaged and worn out. I had a few scratches on my face, but he had several broken bones and a very damaged beak. His talons were shackled together and I quickly flipped him onto his back to shackle his wings together as well.

"Now then. Hestra, you are hereby under arrest for the attempted assassination of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and for attacking a royal knight in the execution of his duty. Long story short, son, you dun goofed."

I stood and turned to face Luna. She nodded once and turned to the gathered residents of the manor. "I suggest finding a new place of employment. Now stand aside." A hole quickly appeared in front of the door. "Sir Navarone, come." I grabbed the chains around his talons and dragged the groaning griffin out into the hall behind her. When we got back outside, her horn lit up and we teleported to the dungeons under Canterlot.

"So what was the point in me dragging this bastard through the halls? He's fucking heavy, you know." Light bones or not, they have a lot of muscle.

"To make sure that the guards and servants know that we won." Her horn lit up and the griffin floated to a wall. His shackles attached themselves to a hook and he hung there limply.

"Alright, I'm not cool with this," I said, looking at him. "It's one thing to kick his ass if he resists arrest. It's another thing to hold him here like this. We have the information we need, right? Heal him and put him in a cell."

She looked at me, surprised. "Is that truly normal practice these days? Fifteen hundred years ago, we had methods of punishing those that went against our kingdom." She grinned darkly. "Very _fun _methods." _That explains a lot, actually._

"Luna, torture is illegal. Like, really illegal. You can't tell me that Celestia didn't inform you of that."

She looked pensive. "That explains why I do not have a head custodian on my staff…"

She looked at the groaning griffin. Her horn lit up and he was slowly lifted from his position on the wall and brought down to a table in front of her. Her horn lit up brighter and some of the damage on the griffin was healed away. She nodded to a few key hooks on the wall. "Bring me a set of keys. It will be easier to heal him if he is in a natural position."

"Whoa now. We need to get him in a cell before we do all that. I'm not going to risk him jumping up and trying to fight again."

"I accede to your wisdom on this matter, Navarone. Get the keys. I will put him in a cell."

I walked to the wall and grabbed a set and followed her to where she was putting him on one of the shitty little cell beds. I stepped inside and undid both sets of shackles, removing them from him and stepping back. "Do your thing," I told Luna with a nod.

Her horn lit up and more of the damage repaired itself. She let the healing trickle die shortly after. "I do not have that much strength left. Teleporting three ponies back and forth so much and so far is draining. He will have to live with the damage he has for now. Perhaps that will teach him to use his brain when it comes to trying to stand against an alicorn and her knight."

"Awesome. So what now?"

She turned to me with a grin as we exited the cell. "How about you put on that maid outfit for me?"

I rolled my eyes. "First, Taya is waiting for us in your room. Second, no. Third, _hell _no. Fourth, maybe later, but only if you do it first. I will freely admit that French maids were a fetish of mine back home, and I have to say that I'm curious to see how a pony would look in one of the outfits. I would kill for a wing massage, though. You don't go that kinda distance without getting sore."

She looked at the bat wings jutting out of my back. "I thought you got rid of those because they didn't feel as good as feathered wings did."

I attempted to ruffle the feathers I didn't have. "I had planned to get turned back before we did anything fun."

"And why should I?" she asked as we traversed the dungeon. "The deal that we had was broken. You are no longer my special somehuman. Why should I not have you redo the oath and leave you like you currently are?"

"Because if you even try to make me swear another oath you will never see me again. That was done when my choice was swear an oath or submit to whatever punishment you and Celestia had for me if I decided not to. I have Celestia's word that I am to remain a free man, and I fully intend to remind her of that if either of you slip up. And again, I told you that if you were able to prove to me that you actually loved _me_, I would be willing to give it a second shot. I would put down some heavy ground rules, though."

All things told, I do not think she was amused to hear any of what I just said.

And when Celestia woke up, she was most definitely not amused to find the three of us chilling in the royal breakfast nook. Well, she was okay with Luna being there, but not me or Taya. "And just what," she demanded in an icy tone, "are you two doing back here?"

I shrugged, leaning my chair back on two legs. "Chilling. You?"

Her horn lit up and my chair flipped back the rest of the way, sending me to the floor. "You _know _what I meant. You are supposed to be working right now!"

I rubbed the back of my head, sitting up. Taya was glaring at Celestia, Celestia was glaring at me, and Luna was impassively watching.

I stood, setting my chair upright. I plopped myself back down in it, bat wings settling behind me. "Luna and I decided on a change of plans, since I arrived earlier than expected and everyone was still asleep. Long story short, the griffin guy is in the dungeon."

You could hear a pin drop before Celestia exploded. "WHAT!?" She gripped me with magic and threw me against the wall. "YOU WERE TO FIND EVIDENCE, NOT ARREST HIM!"

I was trying to catch my breath; being forced into the wall does that to a guy. Before I could recuperate, Luna stepped forward and her horn lit up. The field of magic around me disappeared and I fell to the floor on my hands and knees, gasping for breath.

"He was following _my _orders, sister," Luna calmly said.

Celestia calmed immediately. "Navarone, go to your quarters. You will not leave until you have spoken to me. Luna, you will come with me." Celestia walked out and Luna followed her, leaving me and Taya alone in the room. I achingly got to my feet. Taya jumped to help me, though there was little she could do.

"As much… as I want… to tell her to fuck herself… that would be… a bad idea," I gasped, shaking my wings to make sure nothing was broken. I let myself catch my breath and sighed, "Let's go."

I unsteadily left the room, Taya at my side. A small part of my mind wondered what the servants that usually fixed breakfast would do. Most of my mind was concentrated on making sure I didn't fuck up the coming conversation and making sure to not get my ass tossed in prison.

I sighed, seeing one unpleasant option present itself. If it came down to it, I would appeal to Cadance for assistance. I probably would not like her price, but I would pay it if it meant that I got out of prison.

We arrived at my room ten minutes or so after I was banished from breakfast. "My everything hurts," I sighed as I fell onto the bed, letting my leathery wings droop around me.

"So does mine," Taya said. "Being tied onto your back like that hurt after a while." She hopped up and joined me on the bed. She arranged herself so that she was under one of my wings. "We need to get these changed back. They aren't nearly as comfortable as the feathers."

"Don't you worry. I fully plan on it. I also need to get my fangs turned back."

She just sighed and wrapped my wing around herself, for some reason preferring me to a blanket. I let her have it, since there was no chance of her accidentally molesting me or something.

Sadly, Celestia did not want to let us have our moment. She entered with no preamble and kicked the door shut behind her. When I sat up I saw that she had calmed down quite a bit. Her horn lit up and her crown fell off and clattered onto the ground. As she walked to the bed, each of her shoes stuck to the ground and fell off her feet. When she finally got to us, she just collapsed onto the bed, using her wing to pull me to her grasp. She wrapped me in a hug and just held me.

Taya was probably very, very confused. She was not alone, as I had no idea what was happening.

After a few minutes of silence, Celestia said, "By all rights, the griffins could very well declare war on us now. What Luna did was not illegal, but it was unheard of. The first war in almost seventeen hundred years… And it would be Luna's fault. Navarone, why did you help her?"

"She told me she had a right to arrest him. How was I supposed to know she was lying?"

"Oh, she had every right to arrest him. Just because she has the right does not mean that she should have exercised it. She had the right to challenge me a thousand years ago, but she should not have done it. There are channels that must be used these days. The world is more ordered than the world she is used to. Yes, she is able to sneak into his house and find the evidence. However, she must give that evidence to the griffin king and allow him to arrest the griffin and give him to us. Barging in as you did and violently subduing him and then dragging him out embarrasses the griffin king and makes him look weak. That is a direct insult. And for you to have been the one to do the assaulting… Navarone, Bloodbeak has every right to demand your head. You were following orders, but he can't very well demand that Luna be punished."

"He is welcome to attempt to remove my head. I can't promise it would end well for him now that I know how to fight griffins. Besides, he's a pretty chill dude. I'm sure he'll be fine."

She let me go and rolled out of bed. "If he demands your head, I will give you three choices. Seek asylum with the changelings, flee and attempt to live your life on the run, or submit to your punishment. I will not be able to help you. I can't risk war for any one pony, Navarone. Or one human. As you said, I do not think it will come to that, but I suggest being ready to run."

"Celestia, I am always ready to run. If there is anything I have learned, it is how to start over. This will blow over, though. Don't worry."

She grinned sadly as her crown floated back up to her head. "I hope so. Now, before you go back home to Ponyville, do you want me to fix your wings and teeth?"

"Yes. No reason to risk terrifying the ponies back home." Her horn lit up and I felt my wings grow feathery and my teeth retract.

"There. Now, you are free to go home. I believe that some of your friends want to talk to you."

I sighed. "I'm not surprised. I don't suppose I could get a chariot to take me back or something?"

She nodded. "Go to the chariot pool. They will be expecting you by the time you get there. Now, I fear I need to go deal with this crisis before it explodes. I will see you both later." She trotted back out into the hall.

"So… what just happened?" Taya asked.

"I got snuggled by a pretty pony princess," I answered as I stood and began getting all my shit together.

"I think there was more to it than that."

"You are welcome to think that." Thankfully, my bags were mostly packed already. I took one look at the bag with the maid outfit and almost threw it away. After a moment of thought and the realization that I was probably going to regret it, I stuck the bag in with my other stuff.

She teleported onto my torso and latched on, looking me in the eyes. "What happened?"

I sighed and sat on the bed, peeling the filly off me. "Long story short, Luna fucked up. The guy we were supposed to get dirt on was guilty, but we weren't supposed to arrest him. My job was to act as a focal point for Luna to teleport in so she could pick the guy's brain while he was asleep and then we would get any evidence that he was guilty and give it to Bloodbeak, who would then arrest the bastard and give him to us. Instead, Luna skipped the getting evidence and giving it to the king part and had me skip straight to the arresting him part. I kicked his ass and we dragged him off to the dungeons under Canterlot. When the griffin king learns of this, the political ramifications will probably be severe, because we violated protocol."

"But the end result is the same! He's in jail."

"I know. But we violated protocol. It doesn't matter if the end result would have been the same. You don't snub the middle man, because it insults them and pisses them off. Even if Celestia is the biggest political power on the planet, we still have to be leery about messing with the smaller powers, especially one that rules a carnivorous power that borders your land. I do not think that anything will happen. But if it does, there is a chance that all of the fallout will hit me. That could result in a few things. One, that I get arrested and thrown into a griffin prison, whereupon I would be offered a full pardon if I accepted an advisory position to the king and renounced my allegiance to Equestria. Two, that I accept some manner of public penance or punishment. And three, that my head gets chopped off. The second, I could deal with. I will not let the other two happen. Now, we need to get ready."

She hopped off the bed and just watched me as I continued putting everything in a manageable location. When I saw the pile, I sighed. "Teleport all that shit home. I don't even want to deal with it." Her horn lit up and everything disappeared. I took a moment to lament the fact that I just sent most of my weapons home, but I got over it when I realized that we were in the palace and going home soon anyway.

As we rode the chariot back to Ponyville, I cast my mind ahead and couldn't help but wonder what kind of new horrors coming home would bring for me this time.


	66. Chapter Sixty-Four

Chapter Sixty-four

We arrived back at Ponyville a little after noon and were immediately bombarded with absolutely nothing. Seeing me coming and going from a palace chariot was a relatively common occurrence these days, so none of the random unimportant ponies of Ponyville cared. I figured any of my friends that wanted to talk with me had no clue when I was coming back, and would stop by when they heard I was back in town. Or Twilight would tell me who was looking for me.

As it turned out, Twilight wasn't going to be telling me anything. Or I should rather say, she wasn't going to be telling me anything pleasant. "YOU MADE THE PRINCESS CRY!" rang in my ears as soon as I stepped into the library.

I sighed internally. _Dammit, Pinkie_. "These things happen," I answered with a shrug and Taya and I let ourselves in the rest of the way. "And you know full well that I have every reason to do so. Or rather, you should be able to suspect that I do."

"You made. The princess. Cry," Twilight spit out, glaring at me. "And you're not even remorseful!"

I crossed my arms. "And why should I be? Give me one reason why I should care."

She opened her mouth angrily but froze. Her eyes widened for a second before narrowing. "Get out." I blinked. She continued, "I should have done this a long time ago. Get out of my house."

Well this was certainly unexpected. I turned around and walked out. I had been waiting for it, honestly, but I didn't really think it was ever going to happen.

Flo spoke up as Taya slammed the door shut with her magic before following me. "Twilight would forgive you if you asked, you know," Flo whispered.

_I know_. "Taya, you know she wouldn't make you leave. You should stay with her until I get my place built."

She blinked. "Why would you have a house built? Why can't we just buy one?"

I gave her a dark grin. "I have my reasons. I'll explain it later, when we're not on the road. Now, again, you need to stay with Twilight."

"I'm not leaving you," she answered. I don't know why I expected anything different.

We walked in silence for a few moments. "Celestia's gonna be so pissed…" I eventually said with a smile.

"Why would she be mad about Twilight kicking you out?"

I shook my head. "Not that. About what I'm about to do. Let's go get some candy."

"…Is now really a good time for candy?" she asked, very confused.

"I can't think of any better." She just shook her head, trusting my judgment.

We got to Bon-Bon's candy shop a few minutes later. There were a few kids in there, getting candy. Bonnie smiled when she saw us. "How can I help you two?" she asked.

"Oh, we're just looking for a moment," I answered.

She nodded and went back to watching the kids. I pretended to browse the wares while I formulated a nasty little plan.

When the kids bought their stuff and left, I looked up. "I need to send a message to Chrysalis."

She gasped before nervously looking around. She gulped before walking over and putting a sign up in the window. "Come with me," she whispered, leading us to a back room. When we got to one of the back rooms, she turned to us. "How did you know?" she asked in a pained voice.

I waved a hand. "Chrysalis gave me a list the last time I spoke with her. I swore to never use it unless I had to, and I'm in a big pickle right now. Long story short, I just got kicked out of Twilight's place and I need a house. Getting Chrysalis to build me one would be a slap in the face to all the ponies so that's what I'm going to do. Can you get a message to her?"

She gave me a pitying look. "What happened?"

"It's been a long time coming. I kept pissing her off and not caring. It finally came to a head and out into the streets I went."

She sighed. "Well, if you need a place to stay you're welcome with us. You know that."

I nodded. "I do. But I don't want to spend a night in a couple's house. I'd feel like I was intruding. I'll ask AJ if I can stay at her place until the house is built, assuming Chrysalis does decide to help me. If I can't stay with her, I'll try a few other friends. Your offer is appreciated, but it would be awkward, I think."

She nodded. "Well, the offer is open if you can't find anywhere else to stay. Of course I'll get a message to her majesty. What did you want to tell her?"

"I'm going to get a plot of land near the Everfree. I want a fucking fortress built there. If she can get me the workers and the materials, I could pay for the labor. I would also like electricity installed, if possible." If I was going to do this as an insult to the ponies, I was going to do it in the best way possible. No magic running my fucking house, no sir.

"Elec-what?" she asked.

"Just tell Chrysalis that. It would take too long to explain it. Man, you've been away from the hives for a long time, haven't you?"

She nodded. "I've been assigned to Ponyville since I was a foal. It wasn't a popular choice, but they occasionally send prodigies away at young ages to see how well we would do." She grinned. "No pony has ever suspected a thing."

I met her grin. "So Lyra's never caught on that sometimes your strap-ons are more realistic than normal?"

She choked. Her reaction made me burst out laughing. Taya just sighed and shook her head.

When Bon-Bon was more composed, she said in a somewhat tight voice, "I really need to get back to my shop before anypony gets suspicious…"

I nodded. "Fair enough. When would you expect a response?"

"It will probably be a day or two. If she says no, what will you do?"

_Leave Equestria way ahead of schedule_. "I'll figure something out."

With that, Taya and I were off once again. "So where are we going now?" she asked.

"Mayor's office. Gotta make sure what I'm doing is legal. If it's not legal, I have to make it legal." A thought occurred to me. "Wait, why the fuck am I going to ask AJ? Fuck, I don't need to sleep, I can do whatever I want all night. Taya, you're going to stay with Twilight until our house is built. She'll feel bad enough from kicking me out to let you do so."

Taya just sighed. I was using the father voice on her and she knew I wouldn't relent.

We got to the mayor's office a few minutes later. There were a few construction ponies hanging off the side, repairing some manner of damage to the building. I swear that place gets damaged every few months. It's usually Derpy's fault.

Thankfully, there was no line to meet her. Also thankfully, being a knight let me see her immediately instead of having to wait for her convenience. She was sitting behind her desk. I saw her stuffing something under the desk as I walked in, but I didn't comment on it. A mare's gotta have her comforts, whatever they may be.

"How can I help you today, Sir Navarone?" she asked, plastering on a fake smile. Mayor Mare was always nervous around me and I was never really certain why. I also didn't really care, but I did think it was interesting.

"Who owns the land right next to the Everfree? I'm not talking about Fluttershy's little shack, I'm talking about the area closer to Applejack's place."

She blinked. "As far as I know, no pony owns most of the land out there. No pony would _want _it, with the Everfree forest right there."

"So would I need a building permit to put a house out there? Or would I need some kind of permission from you?"

She drummed her hooves on the desk. "There is one requirement. I have to warn you that living close to that forest is foolhardy, dangerous, potentially suicidal, and I need to know the names of your next of kin in case something happens."

"My next of kin is Taya. She's the only family I have. And I understand the risks better than anyone else on this planet other than maybe Zecora."

She nodded. "I can get you in contact with a building company. The price will be steep since they'll demand danger pay for working next to the forest, but they do good work. You'll also need to talk to the ley line company to get power to the house once it's built. Once it gets built, you'll have to have it inspected since you will have a minor living with you. It will also have to be added to the mailing list and to the local maps."

"Don't worry about the building company or the ley line people. I got something else in mind. Who do I talk to about inspecting it?"

"The office of building inspections is on the other side of this building. You can find a directory near the entrance. I don't remember the room number offhoof, or I would tell you."

"I'll find it when I need it, then. Thanks, Miss Mare." I still think Mayor Mare is silly as hell, but that's her name and title. I just use miss instead, since it makes me feel like less of an idiot.

As I turned to go, she asked, "What brought this up, if you don't mind me asking? I thought you lived with Twilight Sparkle."

I looked back at her. "I thought a change of scenery might be nice." Bon-Bon was a friend and not a gossip. The mayor was not a friend of mine and she apparently gossiped quite a bit to some of her friends. I didn't want what happened to get out that far if I could help it.

"Oh. Well, I suppose I'll talk to you later…"

And that was that.

Two days and several avoided friends later, I got a reply from Chrysalis.

I think the statement preceding this demands an explanation before I get onto the actual reply. Why would I be avoiding my friends? Because I knew what they would do: Offer sympathies mixed with an undertone of 'you deserved it.' They would also offer me a shower or a place to stay. They may even tell me that Twilight realized what she had done and decided to rectify her mistake. Given that I was wearing my ring the entire time, I wouldn't be surprised if Celestia and Luna were also hunting for me, to make sure I had a place to stay or something like that.

There were two people that know where I was hiding: Bon-Bon and Taya, and neither of them were telling anyone else.

Anyway, the actual response. When it finally came in, it came in a way I was not expecting at all: In the form of a bug pony queen.

"I do not see him," I heard her voice say as I ducked into the underbrush. I didn't want to be found so when I heard someone walking up I hid.

I stepped out when I got over the shock that Chrysalis herself came. "Fancy seeing you here," I commented, leaning against a conveniently placed tree. We were near the edge of the Everfree, in a location I knew couldn't be seen from the sky and gave good cover from the rain. There were four changelings with her, three guards and what I assumed was Bon-Bon.

Chrysalis looked around the area with disdain before looking back to me. "So the great knight has fallen and come to his friend for succor. And tell me, what should the friend answer?"

I grinned. "I haven't fallen so much as hit a small road bump. You aren't my only option, either. I just know how much you love tweaking Celestia's nose, and I knew this would be a good opportunity."

Chrysalis nodded. "Yes, it would. That is why I have answered your call and why I have come myself. Celestia is not to know that I came here personally, though. Do you mind explaining just what happened and why you are in need of a new house?" I did just that. She was grinning by the end. "I will help you. My spy said you wanted electricity. This is possible, depending on where you want your house."

"Near the Everfree. Right on the border, if you can put it there. Between the orchard and the small animal farm."

She nodded. "I will see what I can do. I do not know the terrain, but my builders will find out about it. Using magic we should be able to survey locations quickly. I believe building efforts can begin in a day, but I admit to not knowing much about architecture. You mentioned you wanted a fortress?"

I shrugged. "I was exaggerating a little bit. I want something that can be defended from all sides and something that can't easily be breached. I don't want to be bankrupted, though. And I don't want it to be so big that I am constantly cleaning it. But a wall would be nice, as would a few spare rooms of various sizes. A pool would also be awesome, but cleaning that fucker would be a bitch. I trust in your architects. If they can make a place as cool as the main hive, they can handle a little manor."

She nodded. "That they can. And do not worry about price… or cleaning. Changeling labor is free for friends to the hive. Though I have to ask… Why not come back with me?"

"I might, eventually. But I am a knight of Equestria, and eloping with the queen of another nation might look bad. Speaking of that, though, there is a possibility that I'll be forced to flee Equestria for political reasons. If my first plan doesn't pan out, you are my second plan."

"Well well well… What's this about?"

"Griffin shit. Luna and Celestia fucked up and I'll take the blame for it because they're princesses. Politics, basically."

"You are welcome in the hives if that happens." She sniffed. "You stink. Are you going to continue hiding in the woods while the house is built? You can have my room in the palace in the hive near here if you desire to stay in the hive until it is finished."

I shook my head. "I'm getting some of my things and going to a place called Stone Falls for a few days." That's where Pinkie's parents live. I don't know if I ever mentioned it or not. "I'll probably be coming back with a naga who will be living with me. A room for each species would be awesome, if it can be reasonably done. I trust you guys to get it done without too many problems."

"That is… a lot of trust you are putting in us, Navarone."

I shrugged. "You've earned it. None of the changelings have let me down yet. More than I can say about some other races. As soon as I figure out a way to sneak into town and get on a train, I'll be gone."

She gave me an odd look. "Why are you sneaking about? It honestly makes no sense to me why you would be here in the woods when you could be with most of your friends. Or in a hotel, if it came to that."

"To tweak their noses, of course. I know these ponies, Chrysalis. Luna will be absolutely outraged when she finds out. Celestia will be pissed but she'll hide it well. I imagine Twilight will probably be crying for a few days because she drove me away with quick and hot words. But none of those reactions will be as pleasant if I don't have a house to come back to. Do you know the concept of spite?"

She blinked, thinking. "It is a human concept, one I remember from… what you showed me." Her slightly confused expression slowly turned into a smug one. "Yes, that applies here, in a way. You are dark, Navarone. Very dark. We will assist you in sneaking through town."

"I need some things from my room, though. Clothes, my sword, my crossbow, some bolts, Taya, and some money."

She looked at one of her soldiers and jerked her head toward the town. He morphed into a bird and flew off. She turned back to me. "What you need will be at the train station. Leave the forest in fifteen minutes." She lifted her wings.

"One more thing," I said, pushing myself off the tree. "I know I stink, but…" I wrapped her in a hug. "It's good to see you. And thanks for stopping by on such short notice." I let her go and found that she was blushing. I grinned at that. "I'll be waiting." With that, she and her two remaining guards quickly took off. What I assumed was Bon-Bon stayed.

"Be careful with her, Nav," she warned, morphing back to her normal shape. Well, I say normal, but I'm not certain that applies here. "She is my queen, but she is… off. Different from us." She blinked, blushing. "I mean, different from the ponies. Now, I need to get back to my shop." She trotted off into the woods. I would warn her about the danger out here, but she's smart enough to change shapes and fly away if anything happened.

Fifteen minutes later and some idle musings about what Chrysalis might be doing, I walked out of the woods for the first time in two days. As I walked into town, I wondered about what was different.

It didn't take me long to figure it out. There weren't any ponies on the street. None at all. I didn't see any inside, either. I shrugged and continued on to the train station.

Taya, a bundle of clothes, and a bird were waiting for me there. Taya smiled and jumped up to hug me. The bird cocked its head. I nodded at it and it took off toward town square. With that, I returned Taya's hug for a moment before letting her go. "I need to get some train tickets. We're going on a long trip. Hopefully I can get a car with some kind of shower."

She nodded. "I hope so too. But you don't need to buy tickets." She used her magic to pull something out of a bag. It was my all-access train pass that I had completely forgotten about.

"Huh. That'll save me some cash. I still need to find out when a train is leaving that way, though."

I walked over to the booth. "When's the next west-bound train?" I asked him. I don't know why there was a guy in the train booth when everyone else in town was gone, but I also wasn't complaining.

He looked over at a schedule and a clock for a moment. "An hour," he answered, turning back to me. "You two need tickets?"

I held up my pass. He pulled it over and looked at it before nodding. "You're good to go. Just show that when they come by to check tickets."

I nodded and went back to Taya. "We're going to Stone Falls," I told her.

She blinked. "…Why?"

"To talk to the naga, of course. Oh, and Chrysalis is building us a kickass house."

"Okay."

I sighed and sat down, pulling her to my side and draping an arm around her. "Taya, I should have said this a long time ago. 'Okay' is one of the shittiest answers you can give someone. It implies a bored neutrality and gives the impression that you just plain don't give a shit. It's perfectly fine to not care and honestly that's about what I've come to expect, but you should at least pretend to be interested for politeness sake. This is one of the reasons I wish I could go back in time and put you in school. Learning all the facts isn't the important part, it's learning how to socialize and deal with others. You may think you can do everything alone, but you will very quickly be proven wrong if you ever try to put that into practice for extended periods of time. Knowing how to ask for help and not sound like a bitch when it's given are very important skills that can't be taught, only learned."

"…Did you just say that I sounded like a bitch?"

"You're too young to say that word, Taya. And no, I didn't. I implied it. That's one of the social things you need to learn." I let her go, since I know I didn't smell good. "Now, what did I miss in my two days away?"

"The princesses have been looking for you. So has Twilight. You were right. She wants to apologize and get you to come back to the library. A lot of the others are also looking for you."

"Did they give any reasons?"

"Rarity really wants to talk to you, but I don't know why. Applejack needs your help with something, but I don't know what she needs. Rainbow Dash has just been bored and wants to… hang out." She said that with an amusing amount of distaste.

"What about the princesses? Did they say why they were hunting?"

She nodded. "The griffin ambassador got a message from the king, who is demanding you be punished. They were both outraged at the price, but I don't know what it was." _Shit_.

"I should have spoken to them before telling Chrysalis to make me a house… Ain't no reason to build it if I'm going to be fleeing the damn country in a few days."

She shook her head. "They specifically said that you weren't going to be hurt. They didn't tell me what kind of punishment it was, though. If they thought you were going to be hurt, I would have shown them where you were."

"The fuck kind of punishment could he give me that would piss them both off but not hurt me?" She shrugged. "I guess I'll find out later. Learn any useful spells lately?"

We spent the next hour waiting on the train talking about all sorts of stuff and her demonstrating spells. No one else came into the train station. Whatever Chrysalis was doing, it had to be fucking big. When the train came, we got on it with no problems. We were gone before anyone in Ponyville knew we were leaving.

There wasn't a shower in our car, but there was one on the train. We got to town on the next day, her well-rested and me finally clean. The only thing I was missing was my armor, and I honestly didn't care that I didn't have it. I wasn't expecting to need my weapons or my 'cursed' items, but I had them on me anyway.

"You know," I said as we slowly meandered down the nonexistent path to the entrance of the naga cave, "I just wanted a few days to relax when I got back. That party is very hectic all the time, and this one was even worse than the other one." I had told her stories about it on the train. "It will be nice having our own house. Lonely, sure, but I can get over that." Oh, if only I knew how wrong I was…

"It won't be lonely if I'm there."

"True," I answered, nodding. "And knowing Pinkie she wouldn't let me be lonely anyway, even if I wanted to." And there's also the voice in my head. "At least this meeting should go amiably enough. Maybe if I ask nicely they'll let us stay here a few days." As long as I don't have to stay with the Pie family. No offense to them, but I had no desire to be ogled by farm sisters. If they were less innocent, I would happily have fun with them, but I think they were looking for more than that and I'm definitely not.

"What about food?"

"…That could be a problem, huh." For her, not for me. "If we have to we'll go to town. It's only a few hour's walk. Been a few years since I had to cook, but since we're living alone now it's time I relearned. Bet I can still make a decent stir-fry."

"Pinkie made one of those for me once… It was nice." Sometimes I forget that the Cakes still offer the recipes I gave Pinkie a long time ago. If I could get Pinkie to serious up for a few hours I would have her teach me how to make some basic things. Supplemented with scavenged things from the Everfree, of course.

I was in a pretty good mood when we got to the naga cave. That mood soured immediately when I stepped inside and the guards saw me. "Navarone the human mercenary," one said in an official-sounding tone and straightening his body, "you are under arrest."

"…Nope." I turned around and just walked out. One of his massive hands wrapped around my wings and pulled me back.

"I suggest you stop trying to flee. That will only make it worse."

"Daddy?" Taya asked, nervousness in her voice.

"Just a moment, dear. Naga, why am I under arrest?"

"For defiling one of our women."

I relaxed. "Oh, shoot, I can explain that. Yeah, I submit." I held my hands up and let him pull me back into the cave. Taya followed.

"This is all required, human, so do not take offense." He pulled my sword from its sheath on my back and passed it to his friend. I held my arm out and he pulled the crossbow from its sling. He left the naga dagger and started patting me down.

"I have a knife up each sleeve, a dagger on each thigh, and a band of knives strapped across my chest," I told him.

He pulled back, nodding. "The naga knife is allowed. Since you told me of the others they are allowed." He turned to the other guy and jerked his head to a small room. The other guy went in and came out without my weapons and carrying a very heavy looking pair of manacles. He passed them to the one that was restraining me. He opened the clasps and I held my arms out. He clamped them shut and dropped them, where they promptly slid off my arms and clanked onto the ground. He looked at them for a moment before looking back to me. We both shrugged and he just said, "Follow me. If you try to escape we'll pluck your feathers out one by one."

I ruffled my wings at that, not liking the sound of it. "As long as I am given a chance to explain, I agree to that." There was also the fact that if it came down to it I would pull my ring off and have Taya teleport us out.

"Follow me, then." He started off into the cave. Taya and I followed.

"So what kind of punishment would I get if I was found guilty?"

"That will be decided based on the circumstances."

"So what is it with the reptilian races and hating other races having sex with them?"

"We do not hate that. We do not encourage it either, though. What we do not like is our females having sex outside of marriage."

I blinked. Well now. That guy just gave me my defense. "Anything important or cool going on in the clan since the last time I was here?"

"We were given a few contracts by the horse queen. Nothing big, as far as I know. You would have to ask the clan leader for more information." I would be doing that.

Thankfully, the clan leader wasn't all the way in the back of the cave next to the pond, he was in the front of it. He looked up from a table covered in papers as we entered the dining hall. "Ah, the human has returned! It is a shame it is under such dark suspicions. Where are your chains?"

The guard answered, "They did not fit. His wrists are too small."

The clan leader looked down at my wrists and blinked. "I forgot how scrawny you were. Come, come, sit. This will not take long, I do not believe." He waved a hand to the area in front of his table. I sat on the hard rock floor.

He leaned over the table. "I also forgot how short you were. Stand, human. I do not want to crane my neck." I rolled my eyes and stood. "There. Now, do you understand the charge against you?"

"I think so. Some chick said I fucked her."

"That is a blunt and ugly way of putting it, but yes. What happened that night?"

I took a moment to collect my thoughts. "Alright. The fellow whose life I saved offered me place in his rooms. I accepted the offer. I laid down to sleep. Not half an hour later, a female naga slithered in. She told me that she had been sent as a reward of sorts, a bed warmer. I tried to dissuade her, but she did not like my attempts to do so. Basically, she said that if I did not give her what she wanted, there were twenty other females that would be making their way into my room and taking what they wanted. I did not know that what she was doing was not common practice, or I would have tried harder to stop her. As it was, I don't think I could have stopped her. By the time I realized what was happening, she already had my legs and arms wrapped up in her tail. I was completely immobilized when she started to rape me. When she was finished, she implied that if she left there would be others that would take her place. So I allowed her to stay the night in my room. She was gone when I woke up the next morning."

"That is… a different tale than the one we were told. Navarone, let me tell you what the standard punishment for this action is. For a member of the clan, it is marriage if neither of the pair is married. If either is married, both are exiled. If a nonmember of the clan defiles a female, the female is either executed or exiled, based on the severity of the incident and who initiated. If what you say is true, you will be given two options. You may either be inducted into the clan—a very unorthodox move and almost unheard of for something that is not a naga—and the two of you will be wed, or she will be executed. Think about which of those options you want." That's an easy choice.

"And if you decide that what she says is true?"

He shrugged. "She will be exiled. The one that originally planned to marry her will not be pleased with you. He might challenge you to an honor duel."

"A what?"

"A duel of honor. It is self-explanatory, given you know what those two words mean. He gives the challenge, you pick the time and location. If you kill him, your honor is restored. If he kills you, his honor is restored."

I sighed. "Alright, you're going to have to explain this. How was my honor ruined at all in this case? And what honor do I even have?"

"The female said that you seduced her. Seducing an unmarried and underage female is terribly dishonorable."

"Then it is a good thing that she is lying. So how pissed will the guy that's trying to marry her be when you realize that I'm telling the truth?"

"He will be the one that gets to execute her, if you choose that route. His anger will be with her and himself."

"Tell him to warm up his weapon, then. He'll be needing it soon. So how do you guys determine who is lying and who is telling the truth?"

"Our elder is good at reading. He will determine it."

"Your elder hates me. What if I can offer a better method?"

He crossed his arms. "And what method is that?"

I pulled out my key. "Taya, cover your ears." She did so. I turned to the guard that was still in the room. "What is your name?" I asked him.

His eyes glazed. "Acciai." He blinked, shaking his head. "What… what happened?"

I turned back to the naga chief and held the key up. "This thing can be used to force someone to tell the truth." I tossed it to him and he caught it. "The trick to it is simple: Envision the other person's mind as a locked box, with the key as the means of opening it. Then ask a question."

He looked down at the key in his hand. "This is dangerous… Very dangerous." He looked up to me. "There are questions I could ask with this thing that could… No. Human, did the naga female rape you?" Everything shut down. I felt my mouth move but I have no idea what I said or what I was thinking. I blinked my way out if it, rubbing my temple. "So be it. Guard, bring me the female and the one that desired to marry her." With that, Acciai or whatever his name was went off.

"What… what?" I stuttered.

Taya hopped up next to me. My hand found her head automatically and gently patted it. "You said yes," she whispered.

"Forgive me for not trusting you," the clan leader said, putting the key on the table. "But I need to check to make sure the female speaks the truth as well. I will not be tricked."

I shrugged. "Fair. When this blows over, I want to hire a teacher to come with me and teach me how to use my sword. How much would that cost me?"

He drummed his fingers on the table. "If you were in in our clan, you would just pay his room, board, and meals wherever you went. As you are not… naga teachers are rare for the fact that they are the best. One hundred of the pony bits a month."

I shrugged. "Deal."

He gaped. "You jest! That much money is enough to hire a company of our warriors!"

I pulled out a bag of bits and set it on the table. "This should cover the first month."

He pulled the string on it and slowly upended it. He very quickly counted it out. When he finished, he looked up at me. "Either you grew very prosperous in the time since we last met or time left us behind."

"I got rich. Very rich."

He nodded. "If you are found not guilty, this will cover the cost of a teacher for as long as you need him." He sighed. "I was hoping to use that as an argument to get you to join the clan. Even out here, we hear rumors and word of your exploits. You would be a valuable addition."

I fluffed my wings. "What would be the benefits of joining? And what would be the downsides?"

"The main benefit is always having a family. We help each other and we are there for each other. Of course, this would mean that you would be required to help as well. Another benefit is that you get in on our contracts, if you are interested. We do not get many, but your pony princess has given us a few in the past year. Nothing big, just minor security jobs and things like that, but it is decent pay. And with your wings… You would be a valuable addition. You would have a home here in our caves and you would have access to the clan's excess weaponry, not that you could wield many of what we have. You would probably also be hard-pressed to find a wife."

"What kind of freedom would I have?"

"Oh, the freedom to do anything you liked, as long as you acted honorably and abided by our rules."

"Shit, I have to act honorably? I'll pass. I survive by _not _doing that. Attempting to do it would get me killed."

He sighed and leaned back on his tail—naga do a weird corkscrew kinda thing with their tails to simulate sitting. "You could be a scout. They have a different code entirely. Survive to get their information back by any means necessary. With your wings and as small as you are, that might be your best option."

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. "Would you, in my shoes? I am already a knight of Equestria. I'm planning on leaving this continent soon and I may never return. I don't know how well my quest will go or if I'll even survive it."

He stroked his lower face, as though he had a beard. "You know, a few of us could go with you. I can think of a few that would volunteer, and if you were part of our clan even more might go."

I shook my head. "We're going by airship. Your people do not like flying."

He nodded. "That we don't. There is still one that might go with you, the same one I was planning on sending to teach you. He might not like leaving his family, though. It will be his choice, if you would have him. There might be more that would be interested."

"I don't know how many we can take. I don't even have transportation squared away. If the crew that I trust does not help me, I will be going alone and on foot." I felt Taya gently bump into me. I didn't say anything. I wasn't about to take her or anyone else with me to a place where I did not have a safe area.

"The question you asked, though… Would I, if I were you? I admit to not knowing you very well. I have seen you using that devilish ranged weapon and I have heard word of some of your exploits. The naga seek glory and honor and I see in some of your actions that you are the same way, even if you do not admit it to yourself. That is what would drive someone to fight in and win the competition—and I would not be surprised if you won the competition this year as well. You will find no better chances for glory than with the naga. I would join us, if I were you."

I rubbed the back of my neck and looked up at the ceiling. "Will I have to marry the bitch that raped me?"

"Of course not."

"Then what would I have to do? There has to be a catch."

"Normally, you would have to prove yourself in some way. However, there are many of us that know what you are capable of, and as I have said, word of your deeds has spread. If you want to join us, you will join us. That is that."

I knelt down and pulled Taya over. "Opinions?" I asked her.

"If they ask for help we might have to drop everything to help them," she quietly answered.

_Who the fuck is 'we?'_ "If they can find us. We're going all over the world. There's a good chance they won't be able to get word to us."

She was silent for a moment. She looked around the room. "This would be a good safe haven," she finally answered. "If something goes wrong and we need to flee and Chrysalis isn't an option, this would be a good place to go."

She was right about that. _Flo? Do you have any input on the matter?_

"This place is perfect, Nav. The lake in the center would be the perfect staging area for my sisters and I before we seek the fire elementals and the air elementals. And looking at the naga, it was their ancient ancestors that served me and my sisters. They might be useful to us later. I say yes."

I stood up and looked at the naga. "I'm in."

A razor-sharp grin split his face. "Wonderful! I know just the female for you, too!"

I held up my hands. "Not interested!" What is it with clan leaders or whatever and trying to set me up with chicks? _Actually, that does make sense_. Get me to marry someone from their clan or race and I would be tied to them, or so they think. That's how politics and shit work in a world like this.

"Oh? Taken already? Or," and here his voice turned dark, "are you one of those girly-boys that prefers other males?"

I grimaced. "I'm not gay." Braeburn was interesting, but not something I'm certain I want to try again. "That said, though, I have already promised someone that I would give her a chance the next time we meet. Someone more suited to living as long as I will."

He raised the area above his eye that would be an eyebrow if he had hair. "And just how long _will _you live?"

I shrugged. "Until something kills me, probably. I've got one hell of a long life ahead of me." And a lot of forces that are making sure that I won't get killed. "So will there be any kind of ceremony for me joining the clan?"

"First, we have to make sure you are innocent. I believe you, personally, but we have to be sure. If you are proven innocent, the choice will be yours as to what to do with the girl."

"Is exile an option? I do not like the idea of killing a defenseless woman, even if she did do something like that to me."

He shook his head. "There are two options. Execution or you marrying her. The circumstances you presented means that she may be executed even if you join the clan, unless you choose to take her for yourself."

I sighed. "At least make it quick. I do not like the idea of torture."

"And neither do I. However, the option will not be ours. It is up to the one that chose her and discovered the crime." I didn't even know she was a virgin.

I sighed yet again. "As long as Taya and I do not have to watch, whatever. I've seen too many killed and I don't want her to see it. Also, is there any chance we can stay here for a few days?"

He grinned again. "Of course! When you are inducted, you are part of the clan, Nav. You are welcome here for as long as you desire. You will need to choose a clan name, though." He looked to Taya. "She will not." He looked back to me again. "You are both welcome here. But I must ask, why do you need to stay here?"

"Long story. It ends in me pissing some of my friends off. I'm having a new house built and I need a place to crash for a week until it's done."

"A place to… crash?"

"Stay. I need a place to stay."

"Ah. You know, you do not need that house built at all. You and your spawn are both welcome here. I admit that we do not have much food that would befit her, but we do have a small number of herbalists for remedies and the like that would be able to find edible plants for her in the wastes." I really need to find out why people keep calling the places between the far west and the far east the wastes.

I looked around the room. "Is there, uh… anything to actually _do _here?"

He shrugged. "Tell and listen to stories. Learn of the past. You could explore the caves. You'll need to tell your story to the historians we have so it can be put onto the wall if any of your deeds are deemed worthy of it."

Taya spoke up. "_I _will handle that. He tends to exaggerate certain parts of his stories."

He grinned. "Some warriors do. I did not figure your father for one of those. There is no harm in exaggeration, though I would ask that you be truthful to the historians."

I was going to say something about that, but we were interrupted by several naga entering the room. The guard led the group. Several male naga and a few females followed him. I didn't really know any of them well enough to pick out who was who, and most of them looked the same to me. I knew who the clan leader was because he was fucking huge.

He looked over to the crowd. "Female, come forward." The one that I assume was accusing me of seduction slithered closer to our table. The clan leader picked up the key. "Did you take from the human that which should only ever be freely given?"

Her eyes glazed. "He was not as enthusiastic as he should have been, so I removed his ability to deny me. He was putty in my hands, with threats and physical force to hold him." She jerked and shook her head. "Huh?" She looked behind her, where there was general bedlam at what she had said. The word slut was thrown around a few times.

Eventually, the clan leader banged his fist on the table. "Enough!" The insults and bedlam petered out. "She has admitted her guilt and that she lied."

She yelled out, "I didn't say anything!"

"We all heard you," he answered. "Do not lie again now. You should go to your grave with dignity, if nothing else." There were a few mutters at that, and I think the coloration her face took on could be called pale. "The human and I had a talk. He does not want you." He looked behind her to see the only naga that remained silent when she spoke. "The law is clear. Her death is yours. Remove her from my sight."

The naga that was apparently her betrothed slowly moved forward to grab his now-crying would-be wife. He pulled her back out the way they came. The crowd slowly parted for them, most of them glaring at the girl and giving a few looks of pity to the guy. None of them spared a glance to the guy that got raped. The leader tossed me the key when no one was looking and I quickly pocketed it.

When they were out of the room, the leader called everyone's attention again. "Now, another issue. I have offered the human a place in the clan." He paused and there was silence to answer him. "Those that wish to speak against him, come forward."

Three of the eight males moved forward. The clan leader pointed to one, who said, "He was unable to defend himself against one of our _females_. Why should we allow him into our clan?"

The leader looked to me for an answer. I sighed. "There are sects of my people that have a longstanding tradition of welcoming honored guests into their homes with women—females. In some cases, the females fight for the honor of having sex with the guest. That girl implied that this was the case here, and that if I did any harm to her that I would be insulting the clan and that another would soon be there to replace her anyway. I thought it a matter of prudence to accept it rather than attempt to fight." Not to mention the fact that she probably could have smothered me to death with her tail.

The naga somehow slithered back to the crowd, his point apparently refuted to his satisfaction. However, another joined the three that were against me.

The naga pointed to one of the original two. "He is not one of us," that naga said.

The clan leader spoke, "There is no rule against non-naga races joining a clan. There is precedent, a dragon made a member a number of years ago. I forget the details, though. And Navarone has done more than enough to warrant entrance into the clan, in my opinion."

The naga shrugged and moved back to the group. The clan leader pointed to the last of the originals. "I was with the group that raided the enemy camp those long years ago. He does not fight as we would."

"Navarone has, of his own volition, come to me to offer to pay for a naga trainer to teach him how to use a sword our way. Yes, he does not know how to fight like one of us yet, but he voluntarily came to learn. He wishes to rectify his ignorance. And just because he does not fight like us does not mean that he can't fight. I would not be surprised if he was able to kill us all before we could touch him."

The naga that accused me looked to me. "Can you?"

I pulled out my goggles and bent down to Taya. "Cover your eyes," I whispered. She dropped to the ground and covered her eyes as best she could. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a flash bang. I slipped the goggles on, pulled the pin, waited two seconds, and tossed it into the air. I looked away from the blast and a second later the room was infused with the brightest light most of the naga here had seen in years. Before any of them could react, I had my dagger out and was sprinting around the room, lightly poking each naga. I stopped back where I started, dagger put away.

Of course, it wasn't as simple as that. There was complete bedlam this time, everyone clamoring about in pain, unable to see a damn thing. There were three people that were unaffected: Me, Taya, and the clan leader that was smart enough to cover his eyes when Taya did. I left him unpoked.

A few seconds after I stopped, the clan leader called out, "Calm down. I imagine what he did was not permanent. He has proven himself as good as I suspected. Are there any that still seek to deny him?" One of the naga raised an arm. "Speak, then. Do not move if you cannot see."

The naga said, "The human does not know our ways, our customs. He admitted as much when he mentioned how he was taken advantage of."

"Simple. The trainer that teaches him how to fight will also teach him our customs."

The accuser crossed his arms. "And why can the human not remain in the caves until his training and education is complete?"

I spoke up, this time. "Because I have my own life to live, naga. I would be a member of the clan, yes, but that does not mean my entire life can be abandoned. If that is not acceptable to you, then that is too bad."

The naga turned his head to the general location of the clan leader, who said, "What he says is true. He has offered to remain here for one week, should he be accepted." This apparently satisfied the naga. Or at least, he shut up. "Now, are there any that wish to speak for his entry?" Four raised hands. The clean leader said, "Leftmost, speak."

"I was in the raiding group as well. The human saved my life. His combat style is different, but not bad. He would be well suited as a scout, of which we do need more. I volunteer to teach him, if you have no others in mind."

"You are the one I had in mind. Your offer is accepted. Rightmost, speak."

"The human is famous. With him in the clan we might draw more business and more fame to ourselves. That which was lost might be regained."

There were scoffs. I had no idea what that meant. "Maybe," the leader commented, stroking what would have been his beard if he had one. "You," he said, pointing to one of the others, "speak."

Apparently their vision was returning. I don't know how he knew that. "He just subdued an entire room full of us."

"Yes, he did," the clan leader agreed. "The last, speak."

"He has a very good reputation with more races than most of us have heard of. Should anything go wrong, he will be able to speak on our behalf."

"An interesting point," the leader said, nodding. "One I had not considered. True, though. Navarone, name the political leaders you know."

"Chrysalis, Celestia, Luna, the king of the cats, Bloodbeak, and I met the dragon leader."

He smiled. "Interesting." He looked behind me to the naga. "Spread the word. The decision will be made in the main hall this time tomorrow. If anyone has any other points to add, they will come to me personally before that time." He looked back down to me. "Are you interested in marriage proposals at all?" I quickly shook my head. He looked back up to the others. "He is not looking for a suitor."

I heard someone mumble something along the lines of, "Not that any would want him." No one commented.

The clan leader waited a moment for anyone else to speak. "You are all dismissed. Bring the human his weapons. Trainer, you may stay."

The majority of the naga left the room, leaving Taya and I with the guy I saved all those years ago and the clan leader. "So, human, how did you do that thing with the light?" the saved guy asked.

"Human technology," I answered. "It's a chemical reaction between substances that creates light, a loud noise, and a small amount of heat. I only had one tool on me, though, so I can't do it again." In fact, that was probably my last flash bang. I would have to make more.

"Is there any chance you could arm the rest of us with them?" the clan leader asked.

I shook my head. "Not unless you know an extremely well-stocked chemist. Even then, without the proper tools, it takes me hours to make each one of those things and I still occasionally make a few of them incorrectly and have to start all the way over. Besides, they can't be used on an open battlefield, because anyone that used them without warning everyone would blind his own side as well."

"What about those… things on your face?" the leader asked. "Can we not give those to our fighters?"

I had forgotten about the goggles. I pulled them off. "It's possible, but even with these you'll still get blinded if you aren't expecting it. If you had been watching, you would have seen that I was looking away. The weapons were made for clearing out rooms. You toss one through a door, slam the door shut, it pops, and you rush inside while everyone is dazed. I wouldn't want to try to use one on the open field."

"Very well. Trainer, take Navarone and his spawn to your chambers. Tell him of the ceremony and what must be done before and after. I will have your weapons sent there, human."

The naga turned to me. "Come, human." Without waiting for an answer, he turned and slithered back out into the hall. Taya and I followed.

When we got into the hall, I said, "I advise you to rethink your decision to train me, my friend. I can't stay in the caves. If you decide to take me on as a student, it will have to be in my home. I do not know if I can support you and your family while living in a pony town."

"I thank you for your concern, but when we take the lifestyle of warrior we know that we might be called into battle for extended periods of time. We know that sometimes we will be away from home and our family for some time. I do not believe it will take me long to train you, probably less than a year. There are some things that you simply will not be able to do since you are not a naga, and that will save us some time. I will train you wherever the road takes us."

"Won't hear me complain," I said with a shrug. "I'd rather have someone train me that cares about whether or not I live or die. And some friendly company in the house when Taya is not there will also be nice. I have to warn you, though: in the spring and summer I do not tire easily. I got cursed since the last time I was here."

"That sounds like a blessing to me," he answered. "To be able to move until your body can't anymore seems like it would be excellent for those that share our lifestyles."

"I can't sleep."

"Then that _is _a curse. What keeps you occupied during the nights?"

"Writing, mostly. I come from a different world entirely, and this place has none of our books in it. I am slowly transcribing as many books as I can from my world into this one."

"That is certainly one way to spend the time. I would go mad with that much time all to myself."

"I don't know how I haven't…" I sighed. Sometimes I'm really grateful for Flo. Actually, usually I'm really grateful for her. I just wish she would tell me more often when I'm about to do something really stupid.

"Probably because you are very different from us naga. You have no place on a battle line. You have no place in a battle at all. You belong in the shadows. No, you are not like us at all. But it is good for anyone to learn how to fight, even if they do not think they will ever use what they learn."

We were silent for some time, just traveling the halls. Finally I asked, "What do most naga think of those like me?"

"They do not like your style at all. That said, most of them recognize that it is useful. _I _do not like it, but if it saved my life then who am I to complain? It will feel good teaching you how real naga fight, though."

"I imagine that it will be a long and painful process."

"Well, painful for you. It might eventually become painful for me, once you start getting better and become able to hit me. Speaking of which, what weapon am I training you to use?"

"Sword. I have an axe, but why use a shitty regular weapon when I have one of the only enchanted weapons known to exist?" Discounting the fact that the axe is somehow lighter than it should be. "It'll never break, never dull, and the slightest scratch will hit my opponent with a debilitating cold."

"That is the kind of weapon I would like to own. Why is it that you always come here with such interesting things?"

I shrugged. "I'm an interesting person, I guess."

He turned into a side room and we followed him. I remembered this place from before. He moved to the center of the room and did that weird corkscrew thing. "Make yourselves comfortable." I sat on the floor, close to a wall. Taya sat against me. "Now, I have two questions for you before we begin. First, who is that?" he asked, pointing to Taya.

"My daughter," I answered. "Her name is Taya."

He tilted his head. "Is she mute?"

I looked down at her. She quietly answered, "No."

The naga shrugged. "Silence is an endearing quality in a little one. My second question: Why do you not seek marriage?"

"My last—and only—experience with a naga soured my ability to have a relationship with one. And I have promised another that I would attempt to make something with her the next time we met. Also, no offense, but I'm not attracted to naga." At all. I don't know why, since I find Kumani so sexy. Probably because she has legs.

"It is probably for the best, all things told. I cannot imagine you getting many offers, as I doubt many of us are interested in you either." He sighed. "And what was done to you… That is unheard of. Did she give you any indication of _why _she did it?"

I nodded. "She mentioned that she had a dominant side that she was able to use with me, because I was so easily overpowered and controlled." I felt my wings sag and I looked away. "It was not my best moment."

"Nor the best moment for the naga. It is shameful that something like that was ever allowed to happen to a guest, and it is even more shameful that it was a guest of _mine_. It seems I owe you yet again."

I sighed. "That seems to happen a lot. Maybe one day I will start cashing in these favors." I'd rather have them in reserve, though. You never know. "But enough of this. What do I need to know for tomorrow?"

"It's all very simple. You need to pick a clan name. Then we go to the big cavern. If you are inducted into the clan, there will be a short ceremony where you don't have to do anything. You'll tell everyone your clan name and you'll finally be able to learn our names. Then you spend a while telling the historians your deeds of note, of which I'm sure there are many by now. And then I suppose we leave for your home."

"Not quite. It will be a week or more before it is finished, I imagine. I'll be here until then. Will I be given my own room? I do not wish to intrude on you and your family for longer than necessary, especially if you will be leaving them soon."

He nodded. "You will be given your own chambers, if you are inducted into the clan. If you are not, you will continue to live here as my guest."

"Alright. Can my clan name be Navarone?" He grinned and shook his head. I sighed and thought. "What about… Cain?" I would use my real name, but I was still holding that hostage.

"That is acceptable. Though from the smile I see, that name means something to you that it does not to me. Why Cain?"

"My people have many myths surrounding the man we know as Cain," I answered. "He is often considered the first human to murder another human. Some believe that for his crime he was cursed to live forever, a life apart from his own kind. From there the myths start getting stranger, but that's the basic story behind him."

"And you would want the name of someone with such a dark past and such a dark curse?"

I shrugged. "If the shoe fits…"

"What is a shoe?"

I pulled one of my off and held it up. "One of these. We wear them to protect our sensitive feet from the hard ground. The phrase basically means, 'If description fits, then you are the word.' I have a dark past and I have a dark curse. The name Cain fits me now, so I will use it."

"Very well. Cain it is, if you are made one of us. So, what have you been up to since last we spoke?"

I sighed internally and began the tales.

The next day, the naga guy led us—including his family of one wife, two sons, and a daughter—deep into the caves. Taya was impressed by the sapphire room and the main chamber when we finally got to it. There was already a crowd there when we arrived. Not an overly large one, but I suppose when an ape-thing is being made a clan member of a group of snake/fish things, at least a few people want to be there. Our naga led the way to the center, his family stopping at the edge of the crowd.

The naga clan leader and an elder were standing in the middle of the group. They both turned to me and the leader said, "Long story short, you're in." I like these guys. He turned to the elder. "Make it quick."

The old guy sighed and muttered, "You youngsters these days…" He looked me up and down. "What's your name?"

"Cain," I answered.

"Cain, you're now a member of our clan. Congratulations. Ceremony's over." Now I _really _like these guys.

The clan leader patted me on the back. "We will get you some new weapons, Cain. Surely anything we make will be better than the pony weapons you have."

I shook my head. "This sword is unbreakable. I wouldn't mind a few more daggers, though, just in case. The one I have has served me very well, and I would prefer to replace the others I use with more like it." The curved and slightly jagged daggers the naga prefer are closer to short swords for me than actual daggers, but they get the job done well.

"You should still have a big weapon of our design, just for show. Come, let's go to the armory." With his hand still on my back I don't think I had much in the way of a choice. He led me and Taya away from the lake and into a passage I had never been down before. I was starting to think this place was actually carved instead of formed naturally.

It didn't take us long to get to the armory. He stopped when we got inside. "Look around. I will admit that there are probably not many you can use, but you are welcome to take whatever you can."

I looked around. Weapons of all kinds dotted the walls. I saw swords of all makes, shields, hammers, axes, spears, maces, whips, pole arms, daggers, hand-covers like steel knuckles, and a few things I didn't even have names for. There were no ranged weapons.

I first went to the dagger table and took two evil looking daggers and their belts. I pulled the sheath off one of the belts and slid it onto the other. That done, I lazily looped the belt around my shoulder to be dealt with later.

I looked around the room again, taking in the weapons. I thought about my past and started giggling, thinking about something. I looked back to the pole arms and located a naginata. I reached up to take it from the wall. As soon as I tried picking it up, I realized how top-heavy it was and how I probably wasn't strong enough to wield it.

With that option denied me, I took another look and saw a shaolin spade. _Well, you never know when you might run into zombies._ Then I actually thought about that. The shaolin part of the name implies a lot of training. Without knowing how to use it, I might as well just carry a bloody shovel.

I took another look. _Hammers are all too big and heavy. Spears are too long. Maces have the same problem as hammers. Already have an axe and a sword. The hand things are too big._ I looked back at the shields. I grinned, a thought coming to me. I gripped one of the smaller ones, a curved buckler. For _them_, it was a buckler. For me, it covered a good part of my body and was quite heavy. I thought about it for a few seconds before shrugging and taking it. Anything that helps protect me and keep me alive is a good idea to have in my books. I figured I would be getting stronger while learning to use the sword anyway. If not, at least I could say I had a naga shield.

"So that's what you want?" the leader asked. "Two daggers and a shield?"

I shrugged. "You told me to take a big weapon. You can hit people in the face with a shield, so as far as I'm concerned it's a weapon. Just about everything else here is too big for me or would take too much time to learn how to use. I'd rather keep it simple and use a sword or my crossbow."

He looked at the sword on my back. "And you said it was unbreakable?"

"Yep." He reached over my head and unsheathed it. He then slammed it against the wall, edge first. There was a horrifying screeching sound as the sword bit into the rock, forced in by his freakish strength. Taya and I flinched at it.

When the sword was in as far as it could go, the naga let go and looked at it in surprise. "By the waters…" He wrapped his hand around the hilt again and tugged. It didn't budge. "Cain, back up." I did so quickly, getting out of his way. He wrapped both hands around the hilt and pulled. I saw his muscles bulge and strain and with another horrifying screech the sword yanked out, jerking him back on his tail and almost sending him to the floor. He looked it over as he straightened himself. "Not a single scratch…" He traced over it with a hand, trying to comprehend it. "How?" he asked, looking back at me.

I shrugged. "Fuck if I know. That sword is older than any civilization that's alive today. No one knows how it works." He shook his head, passing it back to me. I slid it back up.

"Come, then. I will show you where you two will be staying. The room has none of your above-ground comforts, I fear, but it is comfortable enough. Although it would be considerably more comfortable if you had a female to coil with."

"I can imagine," I drily commented. He just smiled and started slithering back to the main chamber. We passed it and started back on the path to the surface. "So what's your name, anyway? I'm tired of thinking of you as the clan leader."

"Rais. Your friend and trainer is called Ames. You will have to ask for more names as you meet others."

"So what's with not telling anyone outside of the clan your names anyway?"

He looked at me. "Names have power, Cain. Or at least, to the naga they do. They are something personal, something we share only among those of our own people. That way they stay special to us. I don't really know how better to explain it to an outsider. Either way, do not tell anyone else your clan name and do not use any of ours where anyone else could hear."

I nodded. "Easy enough. What about naga outside of this clan?"

He looked forward again. "That is shady territory. If you feel comfortable with the naga in question, you are free to do so, though I doubt many would reciprocate. Assuming they believe that you actually are a part of a clan, of course."

Silence returned before I broke it again with, "Celestia has been giving you—us, I suppose—jobs. What are they?"

"We were hired just last year to protect a wedding. We were hidden for some reason, out of sight of any of the ponies, but if anything were to have gone wrong we would have burst from hiding. We've been hired to kill a few monsters that have been known to harass ponies. Nothing big, yet. I thought she had contracts of her own for you, though?"

"Something like that. I got turned into a knight. I was at the same wedding you were, and was the reason nothing went wrong. I led a raid that destroyed a mine camp full of dogs. I was part of a security detachment for an emissary to the griffins and stopped our ambassador from getting killed. It's been a very busy year for me, all things told." I wouldn't mind a few long months of calm, too.

The ensuing silence lasted all the way to what was now apparently my home in the naga cave. "You have free run of the caves, Cain. I suggest not entering any rooms if you do not know who they belong to, however. Naga do not take kindly to thieves, and while you are a member of our clan there are some that might suspect you just for the way you look."

I nodded. "Fair enough. When do I need to meet the historian?"

"They will stop by shortly. Your trainer will come by as well, to begin telling you of us. I would not be surprised if he waited to begin your training until you return home. For now, I have to return to keeping the clan running. It might do us good if we send word around that we have a new member…"

I flinched at that. "Can you wait to send that word around until I leave? I don't want Celestia to know where I am just yet."

"Of course. Now, excuse me." He left.

I looked down to Taya. "Well, now what?"

She looked around the dark, barren room. Her horn lit up and a small orb of light appeared. It flew to the center of the room and hung on the ceiling. "Magic time?" she asked.

I shrugged. "Sure, why not."

That was a nice week. My 'trainer' assigned me exercises when he realized just how weak I was compared to him. I figured that it was about time I got into some kind of shape, and since I wasn't able to get tired I knew that I could just grind pushups or something until I wasn't able to move my arms anymore and then do something else. I figured it would take me a month or so to get in a decent enough condition.

Anyway, I was in a pretty good mood when the three of us left the naga caves. I wasn't looking forward to having to deal with the tongue lashing I was sure I was about to get from at least two princesses and who knows how many other ponies, but I knew what I was in for when I asked Chrysalis for help.

The train guys were very nervous when I came in with a naga, and they gave us an entire car to ourselves. I don't know if that's because the naga took up the entire car, or if they just didn't want the other ponies to freak out about him.

"So tell me human, what is it like living in pony lands?" he asked me.

"It is mostly boring as hell. There are a few spots of activity, but for the most part it's just rest and relaxation." For me, at least, since I've never had a job. "I would not be surprised if most of the ponies where we're going are afraid of you at first. If you desire, I have a ring that will make you immune to magic so if any of the unicorns freak out they won't be able to hurt you."

"No thank you. We are hardy; it'll take more than a little magic to harm me. The one mare I fear, Twilight Sparkle, knows of us. I believe she will continue doing tests on me if she is given the chance, but I do not mind." He pointed at my wings. "There are fliers there, yes?" I nodded. He sighed. "Well, I got used to you. If I am able to make a weapon like yours I will get used to them quicker."

I smiled at the idea of building a fucking ballista for this guy. "I might be able to help you with that. No promises."

When we got to Ponyville, we wasted no time getting out of town. The three of us were given looks from everyone on the streets. I'm lucky that Twilight wasn't out and about, because I would have been hard-pressed to get around her.

As it was, Rainbow Dash was very quick to land next to us right after we got away from the last buildings on the edge of town. "Nav, where have you been? Everypony's been looking for you!"

"I've been with the naga, if that wasn't obvious," I answered. "What's going on?"

"The princesses are in a rage, bro. They are not happy at all about something, and I'm pretty sure that something has to do with you. And Twilight _really _wants to talk to you. You should probably go see her before you go wherever you're going."

"No can do, Dash," I answered. "I need to check out my new house."

"…Your new what?"

I raised an eyebrow. "You haven't seen it? I figured Chrysalis would have made it rather noticeable."

"Chrysalis?! What does _she _have to do with anything?"

"Why, she's the one I asked to build my house! You've never seen changeling architecture, so I doubt you'd understand."

She just sighed. "This I gotta see…" She noticed the naga giving her funny looks. "So you're a naga, huh? You don't look so tough to me!"

He reached out a hand that was about as large as her head and gently patted the top of her mane. "It is cute that you think that, tiny pony. I could rip off your wings with a flick of my wrists."

"Only if you can catch me! I can move so fast I make ponies go through puberty!"

The naga blinked several times, unsure of just what she meant. Eventually he shrugged. "Pony humor is beyond me, it seems. Human, where is this home of yours? I thought it was near the town."

"It's… supposed to be," I said, looking around the edge of the Everfree. "I don't know where the hell it is…"

"Looks like your _good pal_ Chrysalis left you hanging," Rainbow commented smugly.

"Actually," a voice in thin air said, "I did not." With that, a large wall appeared right in front of us, with a manor rising above and behind it. Chrysalis was standing on top of the wall. She was smirking. "Welcome home, Navarone. Open the gates!"

Rainbow Dash was just gaping as the gates quickly pulled up. I crossed my arms as the portcullises rose. "I don't recall asking for gates," I commented.

Chrysalis rolled her eyes. "And how _else _did you expect to get over the walls? Come in, come in." We walked on in. She fluttered down to us. "Now I imagine you're wondering how one pony—or person—is supposed to open these gates. Your electricity solved that for us, Navarone. Doppel has the code memorized. You can get it from her later. Now come, let me give you the tour."

"How… how did you hide this?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Magic, of course," she answered. "When Navarone asked me to help him, I knew immediately that Celestia would not be pleased with me answering yes. So I did not give her the option of denying me." Rainbow blinked a few times at that. "Now, on with the tour. As you mentioned, Nav, you wanted a fortress. Sadly there is little we could do to protect you from flyers without putting you underground, but you should be protected from all of the normal plebeians that would seek entrance. However, the manor itself is a fortress. The windows are a special kind of crystal, nearly indestructible. The outer walls are a mix of olivine and some random black stone we just threw together." That translated to green and black, which I'm sure would piss Celestia and Luna both off. "It would take some powerful magic to put a scratch in this place. The doors are wood, but can be barred with steel shudders."

"…So how the hell did you do this in a week?" I asked, honestly awed.

"Navarone, you should know this by now. When changelings set out to do a task, we complete the task. Now come inside." We moved further in, the naga nodding at the obvious strength of the fastness. I saw that there were murder holes on either side of the door, and what looked like a narrow hatch on the top where presumably boiling pitch could be dropped.

When I got inside and we passed the short entrance hall, I stopped. What greeted my vision was honestly a little confusing and a little awesome. I'll start with the awesome part first: a fully decked out living room. There was no TV, but there was a fireplace, several couches, a few armchairs, and some nice end tables. Most of the furniture had Chrysalis's color scheme, which was okay.

The confusing part was Doppel in a French maid outfit. Or at least, I assumed it was Doppel. The way she was glaring at me, it was a safe assumption. "Welcome home, master," she forced through clenched teeth.

I blinked a few times. "Nope, not happening," I finally said. "Take that shit off and get out. I'm not going to have someone working for me that hates it."

She sagged with relief before Chrysalis ahemmed. "Doppel is working off a punishment, Navarone. I decided that this would be a fitting place for her. She is here to stay. I figured you would like the outfit, seeing as how it was in your bag when we claimed your items."

I crossed my arms. "I'm allowed to keep souvenirs from jobs I do."

Rainbow wasn't buying it. She was cracking up. "YOU had a Prench maid outfit? For a job from the princess?" She burst out laughing.

I looked over at Doppel and lightly jerked my head at Rainbow. She smirked and morphed into her and turned around. "I don't know, Dashie. I think _you _look better in it." Doppel pulled a duster out from somewhere and bent over to clean something low, giving us a very interesting view before a very red-faced Rainbow Dash blocked us from it.

"That's not funny!" she cried, trying to make sure none of us could see.

The rest of us disagreed with her, and were trying not to laugh. Well, Chrysalis wasn't trying. She was chuckling her adorable little chuckle.

And since Rainbow was facing us, she didn't see Doppel turning around and reaching up to pull her down. The real Rainbow ended up on the floor, held down by the fake one that was looking at the even more red-faced real one with half-lidded eyes.

"Don't you think I look sexy?" Doppel asked before licking Rainbow lightly on the nose.

"I-I-IHAVETOGO!" With that, Dash somehow burst out from under Doppel and left a rainbow streak as she fled the house as quickly as she could.

And with that, laugher followed. When we calmed down, I said, "Seriously though, get rid of that terrible outfit. I don't know why I kept the damn thing."

Chrysalis said, "Doppel, if I hear that you are not wearing that outfit while on duty, I will increase the duration of your punishment." We both sighed at that. "Now come, there is more to show."

I shook my head. "We don't have much time. If I had to estimate, I would give us at most fifteen minutes before Celestia gets here. How about you show us the highlights?"

"Hm. Fine, Doppel can give you a more complete tour later. Come, let me show you the cellar." I had no idea why she wanted to show us that, but we followed her. She led us down a set of stairs. When we got to the bottom, I realized why she brought us down here. "And here is the source of the power. We found a large aquifer here and knew we could use that to power your home. Admittedly, we do not know how well it will work for extended periods of time. This is quite honestly a test. We may come by periodically to improve it, and if it ever breaks down you know how to contact us. However, this is not all that there is down here." She led us further into the cellar, past the whirring machines and to a door. She pushed it open. "Above ground pools are not fun to clean. Underground pools are much nicer." And this one was definitely that. I had no idea how deep it was, but the water was perfectly clear. I could see all the way down to the bottom, where there were lights pointed up. "The water will be cool, as it is fed from the aquifer, but you can deal with that yourselves. I believe this should be good for you, naga."

He looked at it for a moment before slithering to the edge. He reached a hand down and scooped some water out. He shrugged and slipped in, swimming all the way to the bottom in a disturbingly quick fashion. He was back up in less than a minute. "Ten meters, at the deepest. It is good."

Chrysalis nodded. "Good. Now, those are the only things I really wanted to show you myself. Now come, let us greet miss spoilsport when she comes to steal you away." She led the way back up the staircase. "There are many nooks and crannies that Doppel will have to show you personally. How do you feel about it?"

"You and the changelings have outdone yourselves as usual," I answered, looking around the living room again. "Thank you, Chrysalis. The only way it would be better is if you weren't going to have Doppel report everything I did to you."

She shrugged. "Everyone has to make _some _sacrifices, Nav."

There was a knock on the door. I went to answer it but Doppel somehow materialized out of nowhere and beat me to it. She opened it to reveal Pinkie, who wasted no time letting herself right in. "Ooooh! This is gonna be great for a new house warming party!"

Everyone was too busying staring at her to notice Celestia walk in behind her. "There will be time for parties later," she said. "Navarone, why is there a fortress on the edge of the Everfree, and why does it have changeling colors?"

We all turned to face her, except for Pinkie who was busying Pinkie-ing about my house. I grinned. "Twilight told me to remove myself from her property and I figured my welcome finally ran out. I asked the only race that has been nothing but good to me for a home. They delivered. Welcome to my abode, Celestia."

I think I actually surprised her with that. She recovered quickly, and gave Chrysalis a short glare that promised words later. She quickly transferred a more neutral stare to me. "Navarone, we have things to discuss. Many things. You need to come with me to Canterlot right away. Alone."

"I don't know…" I said, leaning back a little. "I've been living in a cave for the past week. I wouldn't mind sharing some good company in a warm home. I don't know if I'll find much of that in Canterlot."

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Navarone. You are wearing your ring, but do not ever think you would win against me in a fair fight. I can remove that ring with my teeth if I have to."

The naga clenched his hands into fists and glared at her. "You threaten a member of my clan?"

And Celestia got to be surprised yet again. "A member of your… Navarone, just what have you been doing this week?"

I shrugged. "A little of this, a little of that. Joined a tribe of naga, got a trainer to teach me how to stick the pointy end of a sword into the enemy, and obtained a very nice fallback home. You know, the usual."

She closed her eyes and I swear I saw her lips count down from ten. When she finished she opened them again. "Are you coming with me or not?"

I nodded. "I will." I turned to Chrysalis. "In case I don't see you when I return, it was as ever a pleasure." I wrapped her in a hug before she could react. Her cool and unyielding carapace wasn't very huggable, but her hair was nice and soft. I let her lightly blushing form go and turned back to the others. "Taya, naga, I should be back shortly. We can begin my training then. Doppel… Do whatever servants usually do, I guess. Pinkie, get the fuck out of my house."

I had no idea where in my house she was, but I heard her saying "Awwww" somewhere. That done, I took my ring off and disappeared before I even had the chance to put it away.

Celestia's magic forced me into a seat. I found myself unable to move. "Navarone, how _dare _you let that wretch build a fortress in _my _country?"

"It is my house and my fortress. She built it and gave me a servant. That is the end of that."

"If I see any evidence at all that she is using it for anything at all, I will erase it from the face of the planet. I might not give you a warning first. I can't believe you would insult both me and my sister by going to _her _for this in the first place, but you did. I will not deny that we deserve it." She sighed and walked over to her couch, releasing me from the magic that was holding me. I slipped the ring on. "Twilight told me what she did. She realized her error less than an hour after she committed the offense. I don't know how you could have possibly put your plan into action that quickly, but I commend you for it. Do you know how much the ley line companies charged to get power out there?"

I grinned. "I'm not powering my house with magic."

She blinked a few times before realization struck her. "Impossible. There is no way she could have progressed her technology that quickly. She would have had to…" She stopped before letting her head fall. "Oh dear Solaire…" She sighed. "We can catch up. We have to."

"You ain't doing it with plans from my house. I catch ponies trespassing on my property, I'll beat the shit out of them and throw them over the wall. Into the forest."

She narrowed her eyes slightly, but didn't comment. "Now, we need to talk about the griffins." I sighed. "Yes, they were not pleased at all. A day after you left their ambassador delivered a very long and rather mean-spirited letter to me. Less than a week later, the king himself arrived with a few retainers. After a long talk and some negotiations, we talked him down from his original demands."

"Well, that's good. What did he want?"

"We'll talk about that in a second. First, I want you to remember this moment. Just close your eyes and sit here in silence for a little while."

I raised an eyebrow, but did as she asked. It felt nice to just sit there quietly, focusing on breathing in and out.

When I opened my eyes, I saw Celestia was just looking at me with what I might call a pitying expression. "Are you ready?"

"No."

"That's a shame. Now, let me go get your fiancée."

"I'm sorry, my what?"


	67. Chapter Sixty-Five

Chapter Sixty-Five

I have to say, I was most definitely not expecting that one. That was the first thing that came to mind.

She sighed. "Yes, Navarone. Your fiancée. The king was very adamant that you get married right away, but as I said we talked him down. He does not want an incident like this to happen again, and he believes that a tie between our ponies—and his griffins, of course—would help prevent it. He demanded that since you were the one to commit the deed, that you be the one that get married."

"And it can't be Luna? You said before that she was used as a political bargaining chip in the past, married off to suitors."

"I am not going to take her from the moon and give her to a griffin husband, Navarone."

"Yeah, and I ain't getting hitched to no damn griffin! I'd sooner flee the damn country!"

"Navarone, your window of opportunity for fleeing the country ended a few days ago. Now, are you going to let me explain how I am going to get you out of this, or are you going to keep whining?"

I calmed down. A little. "Why didn't you say you had a plan already? Lay it on me."

She nodded. "We could not deny Bloodbeak the engagement. Luna and I both tried as hard as we could and brought up precedent after precedent, but he refused to listen. As soon as we realized we could talk him down no further than engagement, we had our law ponies look up the griffin engagement laws. Normally, such engagements are easy to break. However, political engagements are much harder. One party or the other has to be found unsuitable as a mate for that to happen. The easiest way to be found unsuitable is to not own any property at the time of the engagement."

I dropped my face into my hands.

"Quite," she continued. "Since that option is now denied to us, we must turn to other avenues. Should you be deemed weak or unable to provide for the mate, you can be declared unsuitable."

"Shit, that's easy. I'm weaker than griffins."

She shook her head. "The king knew you would say that. He mentioned how easily you apparently beat Hestra, the griffin you apprehended. That can be seen as proof of your strength."

"But they're stronger than me! That was just the armor and the element of surprise."

"He won't buy it. And you can't be deemed unable to provide for her, because I imagine the naga is technically your retainer since you are a knight, and he will have to hunt to feed himself. The spare meat he does not use can be used to feed the griffin."

"Then there better be more damn ways to break the engagement."

"There is a Poneo and Pirouette Clause, surprisingly. If either party had a previous love interest in another pony, the engagement could be broken after a period of a year." I sagged in relief, but she wasn't finished. "IF… the romantic interest is still there. And the party that is 'in love' must stay together for another year before the engagement can be fully destroyed."

I grinned wide. "Thank God. Kumani, you crazy dragon, you saved my ass again!"

She blinked. "_Kumani_? The dragon you slept with? What does she have to do with being in love with Luna?"

I snorted. "Fuck that crazy bitch. I ain't dating no one that stabbed me in the fucking chest with a horn. I promised Kumani we'd see where things took us when we met again next year. Shouldn't be that hard to get her to stick with me for a year."

And it looks like I managed to surprise Celestia yet again. I think three times in one day is a new record for me. "Well. I never expected somepony to ever outmaneuver three long-term monarchs completely by accident. You win this round, Navarone. Now, wait here. I will go and get your griffin fiancée. _Try _to be civil. She didn't seem that thrilled either."

"Celestia, when am I ever anything other than the very image of a gentleman?" She just rolled her eyes and left the room.

I sighed and settled into the chair, dreading the meeting to come.

And when the griffin finally showed up, I couldn't even pretend I was surprised. "Hello, Gilda."

She did not look amused. "You! This is all _your _fault!"

I sighed and stood, walking over to the window. "In a way, I suppose it is," I answered, pushing the window open and leaning back, letting my wings get some air. "However, it is not solely my fault. And," I said, holding up a hand, "we have a way out."

Her eyes narrowed. "Not we. _I _have a way out. No fiancé, no marriage."

I had my sword up and out before she finished her pounce. I couldn't use it, but she didn't know that. "I suggest you calm down. My method does not involve the king getting angry that his original choice for a bride was killed by my hand. Do you want to listen, or do I have to pummel you into submission first?"

She was eyeing the blade warily. She took a moment before looking back up to me. "I'm listening."

"Good. There is a clause in griffin law that allows a political engagement to dissolve if one of the lovers has another they would prefer to be with, and there was proof that there was a pre-existing relationship."

"So? I haven't been in a relationship in years."

"I have, and I believe I can use that to get us out. There is a downside, though. The engagement has to last a year before it can be dissolved. So you feel free to go and do whatever the fuck you want to do. Just show up back in Ponyville in eleven months so we can make plans to get this damn thing dissolved when I meet with Kumani again."

She grimaced. "It isn't as easy as that. We have to share a home, at the very least. Sharing a bed is usually considered optional."

I sighed, looking at the ceiling and just asking myself where things went so wrong. I was afraid to answer that and looked back at her a moment later, sheathing my sword. "Fine. My house is huge and it would be lonely anyway. It's right on the edge of the Everfree. I'm okay with an open engagement if you are."

"…Open engagement?"

"No rules about sex. We can fuck whoever we want. Back in my world there was a such thing as an open relationship wherein couples would freely bang whoever they wanted to. It was an uncommon thing, but it happened. That is what I want to do. Actually… Fuck it, that's what I'm _going _to do. Call it cheating if you want, I don't care."

"Wish I was born a human," she muttered. "Alright, fine. That goes for me too, right?"

I shrugged. "Do what you want. As far as I'm concerned, we're roommates, nothing more. And I would prefer that no one learn of this, if possible."

"No feathers off my back. I don't want it known I was forced to get engaged to a freak."

"Ouch, my feelings. Why you, anyway? I thought you were just a noble's daughter. I figured the king would try to use his blood to tie me."

"I _am _his blood. I'm just a cousin, though. I'd never met the guy until he showed up at my dad's place a week ago. Next thing I know I'm getting dragged out of a tavern by royal guards and told I'm going to marry an Equestrian knight." She grinned. "They had to pay a unicorn to heal me and several guards in the first pony town we passed through."

Note to self: Don't make Gilda get violent. "So are you sure you can live next to Ponyville for a year and be able to deal with the ponies? A lot of work went into that house and I'm not abandoning it just yet." I will be abandoning it soon, though. I might come back, I might not. Depends on how things go.

"I'll be fine, Nav. As long as I can take the occasional break from dealing with some of the more annoying ones, there should be no problem." _There better not be any fucking problems._

"Alright, good enough for me. You got any questions for me, while we're trapped in here?"

"You aren't going to try to pamper me, are you?" she asked after a moment.

"Why the fuck would I do that? You don't pamper roommates, you tolerate them."

She let out a breath of air. "Good. The king and my dad forced me to sit back and get… ugh, _beautified _when we got here."

I actually took a second to look at her. The natural purple feathers under her eyes were accentuated with some kind of makeup. Her beak was much shinier than usual and her talons seemed sharper somehow. Her feathers looked a lot fluffier and shinier. Her cat parts were well groomed. The tuft of fur at the end of her tail was somehow pushed into a ball.

I felt myself slowly smirk as I saw all of those. She saw that and narrowed her eyes. "You see something funny?" she asked, her voice sharp.

"Nope, not a thing," I answered, trying and failing to not giggle.

"Are you laughing at me?" It sounded more like a threat than a question.

"No, no, of course not, dear. I just remembered an old joke, is all. A joke about puffy tails."

"That's it!" Before I could react she had pounced on me, knocking us both through the open window and into the garden. She had one of her talons raised to strike when it was stopped by a light blue aura. We both looked up, her glaring and me ready to thank someone. I saw an upside-down Cadance staring at us.

"Nav, why is this griffin attacking you?"

Gilda snarled, "Because he's acting like a jerk!"

Cadance's horn glowed brighter and Gilda was pulled off me. I rolled over and Cadance stopped being upside down. "There are two sides to every story," she answered. "Nav?"

"Cadance, meet Gilda. My new fiancée." She blinked a few times, her gaze shifting between us a few times.

"I'm sorry, your what?"

"That was my exact reaction," I answered, sitting up. "Blame politics. Long story short, we're breaking the engagement as soon as we can."

She was silent for a while. I almost thought she didn't hear me. Finally, she said, "Who is forcing you two to be engaged?"

"Bloodbeak," Gilda answered. "Nav here did something to piss him off and I'm getting punished for it."

"You? I'm the one that's getting saddled with a griffin that's like as not to cut me to ribbons just because I said the wrong thing!"

Cadance interrupted us. "And if I have _my _way, this travesty will not happen at all. Marriage and engagements are supposed to signify love, not political contrivances! This cannot stand! Where is Celestia? She will help me convince Bloodbeak not to do this."

Gilda and I shared a look that culminated in rolled eyes for the both of us. I looked back to Cadance. "You're welcome to try, but that's not how politics work. I don't know where Celestia is, but if you can break this engagement I'll reconsider that threesome you asked for."

She blushed very deeply at that. "That's… not necessary. I took your advice to heart. It took some convincing, but I got him to try it and he loves it."

"Not a mental image I needed in my mind, thanks," I sighed. "But sure, go talk to Celestia if you can find her." She nodded and walked off with a determined gait. When she was back in the palace proper, I turned to Gilda. "Sorry for laughing. Even you have to admit that your tail looks fucking silly as hell, though. I couldn't help it."

She lifted it up to her face and grimaced. "This is supposed to be a serious symbol of beauty among griffins. It is _not _supposed to be silly." I reached out to squeeze it but she jerked it back. "Don't you dare!"

I yanked my hand back. "Fine, whatever. Don't see what the big deal is, but whatever."

She sighed and let it fall to the ground. "I forgot you don't know much about us griffins. Our tails are considered private, something we only let our most trusted friends or lovers toy with."

"Then yeah, I won't fuck with it. Anything else I should avoid touching?"

She gave me a deadpan stare. "Only the obvious."

"Hey, I'm just checking. Only rule I have is don't fuck with my wings unless you're interested in going all the way. So can we leave whenever we want?"

_And now she's looking away. That inspires confidence._ "Not… quite. My parents want to meet you."

I sighed. "I knew I should have brought my armor… Where are they?"

"Being lazy in their rooms, probably. There's a reason I don't spend much time at home."

"Well, let's get this bloody thing over with. If I piss your dad off, he won't try to attack me, right?"

She didn't answer, just started walking the way Cadance went. I sighed and followed.

A few minutes later we ended up in a part of the palace I don't think I had ever been to before. I assumed it was the griffin guest quarters. She stopped in front of one room. "Before you meet him, I have to warn you… He doesn't much like girls."

I shrugged. "As long as he isn't an asshole I don't care. I meet him once, he goes back to griffinland, I never see him again. Simple."

"Right. Simple," she muttered, pushing the door open. I followed her in. There were two older looking griffins chilling on couches, looking too comfortable. "Dad, mom, this is Navarone."

I nodded at them. "Hi."

The male sat up, looking at me. "So you're the thing I sold my daughter to." _This isn't going to end well._

"I'm the human, yes."

"Well, you better treat her right. If she comes running back to me the king is going to be rather displeased."

I grinned. "Oh, you don't need to worry about that. We're going to be breaking the engagement as quickly as we can."

He jumped up, rage in his eyes. "What?!"

I crossed my arms. "To my people, what you have done is one of the greatest evils. Selling your daughter to a man she doesn't love… Well, let's just say it's good you aren't in my world. Just because we aren't, though, does not mean _I _have to put up with it. I don't love Gilda and I will not be forced to marry her, nor will I force her to marry me. I'll accept the engagement because I have no choice, but you might as well get ready for the king's anger because this marriage won't be happening."

He jumped across the room and grabbed the front of my shirt with his talons, bringing my face close to his. "Listen here you hairless ape, you're going to marry my daughter and you're going to be happy about it! And when I demand your help with something, you will come to me as a son-in-law should!"

I narrowed my eyes. "I appreciate that you're Gilda's dad and an old man besides, but if you don't take your goddamn talons off me I will break you in _half_."

He released me, backing away and quivering in anger. "Bah! Take my useless daughter, then. At least I'll be rid of her for a year! She's _your _problem until then, ape."

"And the only reason's she would even be considered problematic is because of her failure of a father. Come, Gilda. I don't want to look at this filth anymore."

I turned and saw that she had a very shocked look on her face. She quickly recovered and followed me as we left their room. She pulled the door shut and just stood there, looking at me.

"What?" I asked, after a moment.

"I've never seen anypony stand up to my father like that."

I snorted as I started walking down the hall. "No one badmouths me or my friends." After a moment, she started following me.

"But… he's an old war hero. They say he's killed hundreds of changelings!"

"Who says that? Him, or someone else?"

She was silent. "I… I think I've only ever heard him say it."

I nodded. "Yep. That's how men like him keep power. They lie about things they've done to impress and cow others. Stand up to them and they usually buckle. And since he's related to the king, most people wouldn't dare stand up to him anyway." I shrugged. "I fear no Gods or kings, only man." Well, I'm sometimes afraid of Celestia and Luna, but not because they're princesses. "Now, can we leave this damn palace? I fucking hate Canterlot these days."

"You don't want to see if that taffy pony can help us?"

"…Taffy pony?"

"Yeah, that pink pony that said she would talk to the princess."

"And you don't even know her name?"

She shrugged. "If I had to guess, I'd say she looks like a Mary Sue. I don't think that name is common with ponies, though."

"Nah, her name's Cadance. She's pretty chill, if a bit stuffy at times. But I don't think she'll be able to help us. I'm pretty sure we're stuck. We can certainly stick around if you want, but it's probably best we get the hell out of this place before night falls."

She looked over at me. "What happens at night?"

"The chances of us running into someone that will be very angry increase. Long story short, we don't want to talk to Luna right now. In fact, I suggest you avoid her for as long as you can."

"Why would she be—" She stopped. I looked at her to see she was even more surprised now. "Nav, are you shagging the princess?"

"Princess_es_, actually. Now come on, let's find a balcony or something so we can fly back."

She now had a reason to be in as much of a hurry as I did. She caught up to me and we walked until we found a window large enough for both of us to be able to fit through. After a moment taken to defenestrate ourselves, we flew off towards Ponyville.

We got back to my new pad just before sunset. "When was this place built?" she asked, looking at the walls that rose up around us.

"A few days ago. If I had known I was about to get engaged and we could have broken the engagement by me not owning property, I wouldn't have had it built. Now come on, I still haven't explored the entire place yet."

I walked up to the doors and pushed them open. I saw two Pinkies grinning at me. I reached in and pulled the doors shut. That done, I leaned against the wall and slid down, thanking Chrysalis for having the stone smoothed down so it didn't scratch my wings.

"What's wrong?" Gilda asked.

"Look for yourself," I sighed, gesturing weakly at the door.

She walked over and opened them. She closed them just as quickly as I did and joined me in sitting against the wall.

"And you wanna know the worst part?" I asked. She grunted. "There's a party's worth of ponies in there, just waiting for us to step inside."

She jerked her head toward me. "What's she celebrating? Does she… she couldn't possibly know about… us."

"This is a house-warming party. As long as she doesn't find out about us it'll stay that way. I could see her turning it into a double party or something stupid like that." I sighed, pushing myself to my feet. "We gotta get this over with eventually. Pinkie doesn't need food or sleep when she's in party mode, so she can stand there forever."

"Are you sure you don't want to test that before we give in?"

"Trust me, I've tested that extensively. Pinkie's gonna Pinkie, like it or not." I pushed the door open and walked in. "Doppel, I swear to God if you don't turn back Imma slap a bitch."

Half of the Pinkies giggled. The other half didn't move at all. "Silly Nav," the moving Pinkie said. "That's not Doppel!" She reached out and pushed the other Pinkie over, revealing that it was just a cardboard cutout. "Doppel's tied up in the kitchen. She wouldn't let me party, so I had to take care of her."

My eyes widened and I quickly ran in the direction of what I was hoping was the kitchen. I think we passed it on the way to the cellar, but I was paying more attention to Chrysalis's ass than I was to the house.

I burst into the right room to find Pinkie standing there. Someone flipped a light switch on and everyone shouted "Surprise!"

I blinked a few times, trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. Pinkie didn't give me the time to figure it out and jumped up to me. "Did I get you? You're usually _soooo _hard to surprise, so me and Doppel had to work extra hard!"

"Don't pull that shit again," I said by way of answer. "Now if we're absolutely going to party, let's move it out of the bloody kitchen."

There was a collective sigh of relief from the large group of ponies that had been crammed into my kitchen. I don't know if that relief was from being able to get into a bigger area or if it was because I didn't flip out. I realized during the Flankfurt thing that getting angry at Pinkie solves nothing. Flo wants it known that she told me so.

When I got back to the living room, I saw a nervous looking Pinkie staring at a confused looking Gilda. "So you're not twins?" Gilda asked, looking at the Pinkie that just walked in with me.

"Nope!" the real Pinkie exclaimed, bouncing up to the fake Pinkie and wrapping an arm around her. "Doppel here's a changeling!"

Gilda's eyes narrowed. Doppel gulped. _Oh shit, I didn't even think about that._ Griffins hate changelings, and I'm pretty sure the feeling was returned.

I stepped up. "We will deal with this later, Gilda," I said. "Doppel, turn back." She did so after a moment of hesitation. "My employees will have nothing to fear from my guests. Now, this is supposed to be a happy time, or something silly like that. Pinkie, you have free reign as long as you don't break anything. Get everyone out by midnight. I have things to do but I will attempt to join you all before you're gone."

She tried giving me the sad eyes, but I was immune to that by now. I looked to Doppel. "Show me where my room is."

She extricated herself from Pinkie's grasp and quickly walked to the stairs. I followed her up. I think Gilda tried to follow me but was stopped by Pinkie. "Oooh, what did you do with your tail?" I heard Pinkie asking before Gilda groaned.

"So where's your maid outfit, again?" I asked when we were on the second floor. She looked back and glared at me. I grinned back. She huffed and continued up the stairs, onto what was apparently the third floor. "Jesus, how big is this place?"

"There are five floors, three above ground and two underground."

"Cool. I can get a full tour later. I'd prefer to get everything I need to do over with soon." She led me to a room and pushed the door open. The bed was pretty massive, and had the changeling colors on it. _I'll be changing that._ I stepped in and removed my weapons and set them on the bed. "Do I have an office or something?" I asked as I looked through chests and the closet and the bathroom.

"Yeah. It's right next door, to the left."

"Awesome." I sat on the bed and looked at her. "Now, is Gilda going to be a problem with you? I can't make either of you leave, so if she is going to be a problem we need to get that sorted as quickly as possible."

She sighed and looked down. "For the most part, changelings don't hold personal grudges. I will be able to tolerate her as long as she is able to return the favor."

"I'll talk to her, then. And I suppose I'll have to explain to everyone that's living here what's going on with that situation. That can come later, though. Do you think you can bring Twilight up to my office? I think she wanted to talk to me, and I'd rather do it there than at the party."

She rolled her eyes. "Nav, I'm your slave. You don't ask me to do things, you tell me to do them."

"I am going to tell you this once: I do not own slaves. I have friends. As far as I'm concerned, you live here and keep up the place as payment being allowed to stay. If you don't like that idea, then I'll call you an employee and pay you. Either way, I will never let the title of slave owner be attached to my name. Now, are you going to get Twilight or not?"

She looked a little bit less depressed, at least. She went to go get Twilight. I stretched my wings before walking next door to my office. There was a very nice stone desk with a comfortable looking swivel chair behind it. A large window behind the desk gave a nice if distant view of Ponyville. An empty bookcase hid one wall and there was a closet on the other side. There was nothing else in the room. "Why do I even have an office? When am I ever going to use this?" I shrugged and sat in the chair. I quickly found out that it was able to lean back.

Twilight showed up to me juggling daggers, just to see if I could. She made a horrified sound and pulled them all away from me. "Hey, I was juggling those!"

"You're going to hurt yourself!"

"I have to learn somehow. If I hurt myself, well, maybe that'll teach me a lesson. Now, come in. I heard you wanted to talk."

She sighed and set the daggers on the desk before pulling the door closed behind her. "This is a pretty nice house, Nav," she said, walking up to the desk and looking around. "But it doesn't really feel… homey."

"I would imagine not. I've spent less than half an hour in it so far. I haven't had a chance to explore most of it or set anything up. I imagine it'll feel better soon enough."

She sighed yet again. "Nav, the library feels so _empty _now. I know we haven't exactly been getting along these past few months, but it feels wrong without you there."

I leaned back in my chair. "Twilight, can you keep a secret?"

"I… I can try."

I shook my head. "No, there is no try here. Either you tell me you can and you do or you tell me you can't and I don't tell you."

She looked determined, at that. "I can," she answered, nodding.

"I'm leaving in a year. There's a good chance I won't be coming back." Her eyes widened. "I want to give you and a few others the feeling of me not being around that much, so it won't be as much of a blow when I'm not around at all. Needless to say, this is a secret that you will keep to yourself. I'll give you the same deal I gave Celestia and your brother: If I hear anyone knows about this, I will be gone the next day and the chances of me coming back decrease."

"But… why?"

I leaned forward again. "Because there is no justice in this world for me. I was raped by two of the so-called elements of harmony and because they're important nothing will be done. I was raped by Luna but because she's the princess she walks free. And as it turns out, Luna made everyone dream about me on purpose. Do you have _any _idea how humiliating that is, Twilight? Can you even imagine it? And she will never be punished. My reputation in Equestria is fucking tanked. Most of the mares in Canterlot think I'm nothing but a slut because my mind had all those spells on it at the wedding last year. Everyone, mares and stallions, dreamed about fucking me. And there is nothing at all I can do about it. Would _you _continue living here if you had to look forward to dealing with that? Fuck. That. Shit. The question isn't why I'm leaving, it's why I haven't left sooner."

She looked away somewhere near the start of that. When I finished her ears were drooping low and her head was almost on the floor. "I'm so sorry, Nav…"

"I didn't tell you this because I wanted pity, Twilight. I told you so you would understand my request. I am not leaving Taya here when I leave. But I do not know if I will be going anywhere dangerous. I want her to know how to protect herself. I don't want her to know how to fight, though. I will not have her memories be of fighting and killing if we ever find a place to settle. I won't always be around to protect her and I will not have something happen because I wasn't able to get there in time. Can you do that?"

She looked a little less down now that I had given her something to help me with. "Shining Armor always was better at shields than me… But I can teach Taya enough so that she'll be fine. She's already frighteningly strong, but she still has some control issues. Are… are you sure you want to bring her?"

"I don't want to, but I know she would find a way to follow me anyway. And I'm not going to abandon her again. So I'll take her with me and make sure she stays out of as much of the action as possible, if there ever is any fighting." Besides, if I leave her here that just means Celestia and Luna will eventually try to use her to make me come back. "Now, enough of me. Has anything important happened while I was going?"

"Well… Rarity and Pinkie have both been really down about something, but neither will tell me what." _Three guesses as to what that is, and the first two don't count._ "I think Applejack wanted to talk to you. Something about the timber wolves. When I told her that you said they were intelligent, she mentioned something about her zap apples. And I'm sure Rainbow Dash is going to be interested in having Gilda back in town, though I have to admit to being curious as to why she's here…"

So Applejack wanted to talk. Of Twilight's main group of friends, I probably did the least amount of stuff with her. Oddly enough, she's also the one that's mistreated me the least. Maybe I should spend more time with her. "I can stop by the farm sometime soon, then. Hopefully I'll have plenty of free time. Oh, and another thing: I have a naga living here now if you want to ask him questions. He might be willing to answer. I also have a changeling maid, if you want to ask her anything."

"I've been meaning to ask about that… Why did you go to Chrysalis for your house?"

"Because I knew she would help me and she would get it to me for cheap. As it turned out, it was free. That means I have more money to save for when I leave. Which reminds me, I need to have my house inspected."

She waved a hoof. "Pinkie took care of that already. She invited the building inspectors to the party and they looked it over while you were gone. You passed."

_Well, at least Pinkie's good for something._ "Awesome. You got any other questions while we're up here, or do you want to go ahead and return to the party?"

"So… why is Gilda here? And why is the naga here?"

"Roommate and to teach me to use a sword."

"Gilda's your… roommate? I thought she had a home near Gryphus."

"You've never met her dad. He's an asshole. I offered her a place to stay when I saw how bad he was."

"That was… nice of you." She was silent for a moment. "You… you aren't going to take advantage of her, are you?"

"How would that be taking advantage of her? I offered her a place to stay. She can leave if she wants. I'm sure Rainbow would be okay with taking her in, as long as Gilda was able to keep her bitchiness to an acceptable level." I figured if I could trust anyone outside of the group that was living with me with the news I was engaged, it would be Twilight, but why tell her what she doesn't need to know? "Now, if she does want to bump uglies, I'm not about to tell her no. Lord knows the bed I have is big enough for the two of us."

She just shook her head, a small smile on her face. "You are simply incorrigible."

I shrugged. "When you get to be my age—and gender—you'll understand." She rolled her eyes, the old joke not pissing her off as much anymore. "Now, you should get back to the party. I'm sure Pinkie has something with your name on it."

"But what about you, Nav? This party is for you, after all. Your… new house warming party."

"I'm Pinkied out. I just spent a week in very close proximity to her and I need a break. If she asks, make something up. She'll understand."

She looked back to the door for a second before turning back to me. "Just promise me one thing, Nav. Even though you have this nice house out here and a maid and a trainer and your… roommate, don't forget about m—us. We're your friends, Nav, and like it or not you're a part of Ponyville now. Don't forget that."

"Don't you worry about that, Twilight. I might not be around as much, but I don't think I'll be disappearing entirely just yet."

She stood there looking at me for a moment or two before slowly nodding and leaving. The door swung shut behind her.

I don't know how long I was staring at it before it was pushed open by an annoyed looking Gilda. "You didn't tell me there was a changeling here!" she said as she slammed the door shut behind her.

"You're right, I didn't. And there will not be any problems, either. Like it or not, you are both here to stay. If you don't want to deal with her, ignore her. I already spoke with her about this. If you tolerate her, she will tolerate you. If you choose not to tolerate her, we're going to have a problem. Speaking of that, I happen to be good friends with the changeling queen, as well. If she comes to visit, either be respectful or stay out of the way."

She was quivering in rage. "Public enemy number one of the griffins, and you tell me to be RESPECTFUL?! How dare you!"

"Look, I don't like this arrangement either. I will not say a word to anyone if you leave. But as long as you live in my house you will respect my friends and my guests."

"Or. What."

I steepled my hands on the desk. "Do you know what it was that got you engaged to me?"

"You pissed the king off. What does that have to do with—"

"Have you ever heard of Hestra?" She blinked. "He is—was—a griffin noble. He was guilty of hiring an assassin to attempt to kill Cadance. Luna ordered me to capture him. I beat him so badly—in hand to hand combat—that I believe he had to be hospitalized when we got him to the jail cell. I am not above beating women, Gilda. If you cross me you will come to very sorely regret it. Now, are we going to have a problem?"

She looked away. "No. But I don't like it."

"And neither do I. We can have hot, angry, hate sex to deal with it later. For now, just stay out of trouble and keep your head down. And I suppose if you need bits and whatever you need it for isn't ridiculous, let me know and I can probably help."

"I can take care of myself!"

"I'm giving you the option, not demanding you use it. You really need to stop taking things so negatively. Why would I be trying to piss you off if we're going to be living together for the next year?"

She opened her beak wide, presumably to yell at me, but it clicked shut after a moment of silence. Eventually, she said, "I'm itching to get angry at something. This entire thing has put me in a bad mood."

I nodded to the wall behind her. "The Everfree forest is right there. If you're in a bad mood, go kill the shit out of something. Maybe if I have a refrigerator we can store the meat. But wait until all the guests are gone before you bring any bodies in here."

She looked a bit concerned when I said that. "The last guest left fifteen minutes ago. What have you been doing in here?"

I shrugged. "Thinking." And listening to Flo sing. She has a very calming voice, like the ocean waves gently lapping at the shores after a storm. "It has been a hectic few weeks for me. Anyway, I suppose you need a place to sleep. I know the room to the right of this is mine. I don't know about any of the others. I think the naga is sleeping in the cellar, but I'm not certain. You're welcome to any of the rooms you want that haven't been claimed."

"I'll look around and find one that doesn't have anypony in it, then. I suppose I probably should go to bed…"

"If the guests are gone it's probably past midnight. Good night, Gilda."

"Don't know what's so good about it," she muttered, leaving my office.

"Well Nav," Flo said, "you bagged yourself an interesting one."

"Interesting. Right. If this is what interesting gets me I think I'd prefer boring."

"You should have taken a naga wife, then. Most of them are very submissive to their husbands."

"Yeah, except for those that are rapists. With my luck I would have found another one of those and she never would have let me go." We were silent for a little while. "Tell me, Flo… Would you blame me if I swore off romantic relationships?"

"You can't judge all women off a few bad encounters, Nav. I know you've had worse luck than just about anyone else, but there has to be someone out there for you."

"No humans, no chance for children… Most of the mates I do find will die before my eyes. If I pick a dragon she'll grow and grow until she's too big to be around anymore. Don't get me wrong: I like Kumani, but I always saw that more as a fling. I don't want to be with someone that's three times my size. I've done some weird things, but I don't want to add cave explorer to the list. And if she gets too attached I might not be able to get away from her anyway."

"Nav, you know I won't let that happen. Well, assuming you are able to free me before it becomes an issue…" Ah, implied threats. How fun. "And you know I didn't mean it like that. You know I care about you, Nav."

"I don't _know _anything, Flo. You live in my head and ask that I free you, but have offered little in return other than company. So far as I know, as soon as I break you out you'll stab me in the back. I'll do it anyway because it will amuse me to see Celestia deal with the emergence of a massive power inside of her own country, but it'll take more than your assurance to make me trust you. But I feel like we've had this discussion before. What do you think of Gilda? Is she safe?"

"She is obviously _not _safe, given that you already managed to enrage her to the point of attacking you once. However, I think she recognizes that it might be best to keep you placated. She _is _dangerous, but I don't think she'll make too much trouble. Just be careful with her. If you weren't wearing your armor, she would probably be able to hurt you."

"No surprise there… What about Doppel? I know she's spying on me, but do you think there's a way I can get her to not report what I'm actually doing? When I leave, I don't want Chrysalis to know about it until it's too late for her to get involved."

"Work to earn her loyalty. I do not know how far a changeling can be subverted, but if one can I believe it would be Doppel. You already have a good start with telling her that she is your friend. And if you can get her to go with you when you leave… Well, a changeling would be very useful, I believe."

"True enough. I'll see what I can do. She likes lust and I don't have anyone else in my sights, so maybe I'll toy with her." I smirked. "Hah, first thing I do when I get a big house is start to fuck the maid. Man, what have I become?"

"It is okay to have needs and wants. Just be wary of Gilda, should you start sleeping with Doppel. It is one thing to have something you hate living with you. It is another when they start having sex with the one you are supposed to love. Even if she doesn't care about you and even if she agreed to the open relationship you proposed, she might get jealous."

I ruffled my feathers. "This sucks, Flo. I just wanted a nice long year to get all my affairs in Equestria in order before I left this place forever. I have more problems to deal with now than I did before I decided to leave. Am I ever going to catch a break?"

She sighed, and I felt something caress my face. "When we're together again, I will help you with whatever you want me to. Until then, though, I will merely be able to offer advice." Advice that I'll probably continue to not take.

I sighed and checked the sides of my desk. They were empty and I didn't have enough paper to continue writing.

I stood and walked over to my room. My plan was to go hunting. With that in mind, I grabbed my crossbow and quiver and went all the way to the ground floor. After a moment of thought, I went to the kitchen to figure out how much room I would have.

I didn't notice it before, but my kitchen was huge. I nodded and went outside. Since I didn't get much of a chance to look around the grounds before, I took a moment to do so now.

I had a stream going through the back of the property. I checked and saw that it went in and out through a grated cover. There was a gazebo behind the stream. There was a grill of some kind way away from the gazebo. Other than that, the place was bare.

I took my ring off and jumped over the wall as quickly as possible, slamming the ring back on my finger before Luna tried teleporting me.

I came out of the forest shortly before the sun came up. I had a few small creatures tied to my belt. Nothing that big, since I didn't feel like dragging anything heavy out. I figured they could sate Gilda and the naga until they could start killing big things themselves. And if not, I really didn't care. Taya could survive on the safe fruits and herbs I took from the forest until I could get to the market.

Flo sighed. "Nav, you have a maid now. You can send her and Taya both to the market."

That's a better idea than I had.

I got to the kitchen before anyone else was awake and looked around, lost._ I forgot to how to cook_. I started poking around in cabinets and drawers. _And I don't have anything to cook with._

"I can help you with the first," Flo said, "but not the second."

I thought for a moment. "Well, how about a cookout for breakfast?"

She was silent for a moment. I like to think she was basking in my glorious idea. "Nav, that's a terrible idea. You'd be better off giving Taya the money to get breakfast while she's helping Doppel get groceries."

_Fine, just shoot down all of my great ideas._ Man, the life of a bachelor with a female voice in his head is hard.

"Well, since you never even tried to take your dad up on the offer to teach you how to grill, I can't help you with it. And grilling new animals that don't even exist in your world is just a recipe for disaster. You'll have to ask Gilda or the naga to teach you how."

Stupid women, always trying to make me be reasonable. I gave into her demands, but only because she had the power to give me really bad headaches if she wanted to.

Anyway, I took the animals out back and gutted them to pass the time. I was pretty out of practice, but I did a decent enough job, I think. I knew Gilda would complain anyway, but she probably would have done that if I had done a perfect job. I took the meat inside and threw it in the fridge before taking a shower and getting rid of the grime of hunting. The water pressure was insanely high, which was awesome. It took a little while to heat up, but that's one of the dangers you have when you're using experimental technology.

When I got out, everyone but Gilda was downstairs. The naga and Doppel were sharing details about their races. Taya was walking aimlessly around the house.

I found her playing with a light switch. "There's something wrong with this house," she said. "I… I don't know what it is. But the library always had a vibrant feel about it, like there was something in the air. I feel nothing but dull echoes here."

"That's because this house isn't powered by magic. Despite that, how do you feel about it?"

"It's… empty. So large, but only us to live here… Daddy, why is there a griffin in our house?"

I sighed. "Long story short, she's my temporary fiancée until we're able to break the engagement. In a tyrannical monarchy, stuff like this happens. Just be glad I'm able to get out of it, or you'd already be calling her mommy."

"Yeah, no. I know where my loyalties lie, and they're not with a random griffin picked up off the street."

_Well that was harsh_. "She's actually a noble's daughter. And again, that was really rude. Any other complaints?"

"There isn't any food, other than some weird looking fruit and some scary stuff in the freezer."

"The fruit is safe to eat. It's from the forest. I was planning on giving you and Doppel some bits so you could go and get all the food and cooking stuff we would need."

"Um. I don't know anything about cooking?"

Well shit. "Can you put up with Pinkie for a few hours?" She grimaced, but nodded. "Alright, I'll ask her to help you guys. I suppose you can get breakfast there, while we're at a place that serves it. Then I can come back, get yelled at by Gilda, and start getting my ass kicked by the naga. That sound fun?"

"Not really…"

I patted her on the head. "Welcome to my life. I'll go get some bits." I started walking out of the room we were in, but stopped. "Do you know where the changelings stuck my cash?" She shook her head.

"Imma slap a bitch if they took any," I muttered, trying to find the room where I could still faintly hear Doppel and the naga talking. It didn't take me long to find them in the kitchen.

"Ah, human. Doppel here showed me how to use the… refrigerator. It seems you went hunting last night." He was eating… raw meat.

"…Yeah, I did. Uh, are you sure that's healthy?"

"We naga have hearty constitutions. This is a fine breakfast, if a bit tasteless. Given this house is new and unprepared, I expect little more."

I nodded. "That's why I'm here, actually. Doppel, where's all my cash? You, me, and Taya are going into town and buying everything a kitchen needs to work. I suppose we'll also get whatever else we might need. Since I suppose my training has to start today, I'll probably come back when it looks like you two have it under control."

"It should all be in the closet next to your room. Did you try looking in there?"

"So that's what all those bags were. I figured they were clothes or something. In that case, get ready to go. If you think the ponies will be okay with you in that body, go in that body. Otherwise, pick a shape of a pony that lives nowhere near Ponyville."

"They _seemed _okay last night…"

I shrugged. "Use your best judgment. Naga, I suggest avoiding high density areas. Ponies are skittish and you are freakishly huge. Again, I trust you to use your best judgment. I'll try to build you something soon that will help you hunt in the forest." I wasn't joking about that ballista idea. "Until then, I can go with you whenever you want to hunt and shoot something while you drag it out."

He grinned. "Do not worry about me, human. We are better hunters than you would think. Still, I would be interested in a weapon that allows me to kill from afar. There is no honor in it, but when you are hungry honor matters less."

"Then I'll try to get some tools and materials when I can." And if I do end up hiring the airship, I can outfit that fucker with some kickass weapons.

I got out of the kitchen before I could be asked any more questions and went up to my room. I pulled a small empty bag out of my rucksack and filled it full of bits from one of the larger bags in my closet. That done, I went down to the foyer, where I found Doppel and Taya staring somewhat dubiously at each other.

I carefully balanced the bag of bits on top of Taya's head, because it amused me. "Doppel, I know you feed on love and lust and thus you'll probably attempt to steal a stallion or something. I am okay with that, but remember one thing: If he tells you he's married, that is _not _a challenge. Marriage is generally respected here, so keep that in mind."

She rolled her eyes. "Nav, I am a professional. Married stallions are more trouble than they're worth. Now, can we get this over with?"

I shrugged and pulled the bits off Taya's head. It looked like she was getting annoyed anyway. We left the house and stepped into the yard. I saw Applejack and Fluttershy adding their hoof prints to the road that was probably going to eventually be formed between my house and town.

We met them just on the other side of the wall. "Howdy there, you three," AJ called, seeming more pleased than necessary. Fluttershy added her own quiet hello that I barely heard.

"What brings you two by?" I asked. Twilight said Applejack wanted to talk, but I don't remember her mentioning Fluttershy wanting to as well.

"I was hoping you could help me with a problem," Applejack said.

Fluttershy looked behind us to my house and said, "I… I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Hmm…" I scratched at the hair that was growing in on my face. "AJ, you scratch my back, I scratch yours. If you can take these two into town and help them get all the kitchen stuff I'll need, I'll help you with whatever you need. That'll give me a chance to talk to Fluttershy and start my training. We can talk about what you need when I get back."

She lifted a hoof to her chin. "So when during that are you going to scratch my back? Rainbow says you're really good at that."

I blinked a few times before it clicked. "When you're telling me what you want, I guess. I also give free belly rubs, if you're interested. Deal?"

She shrugged. "Seems fair to me. Deal."

I nodded. "Awesome." I put the bits back on Taya's head. "Buy what you need. Teleport what you buy back. We can sort it out later. If it's something made of glass, try to make sure it doesn't end up too high when it's teleported. I'll see you three when you get back."

Taya wasted little time removing the bits from her head. She floated them to her back instead.

I turned to Fluttershy. "Now my dear, come into my lair," I said, waving my arm toward the gate and smiling. Normally she was a little braver around me, but she actually shivered before stepping through the gates. I followed her. I wish I could have timed it so that the gates closed behind us, but not even _I _was that good.

"So what did you want to talk about?" I asked when I had caught up to her.

"Um… A few things, if you have the time. First, even if you made an effort to hide it, I couldn't help but notice you had a griffin and a naga living with you. And… both of them eat meat…"

"An astute observation. I can't promise not to hurt your animals, Fluttershy. I swear I wouldn't do it on purpose, but I have no way of recognizing which are yours and which aren't. And I can't control Gilda or the naga." Well, I might be able to control Gilda, but I wouldn't want to try.

"I'm not worried about that, Nav. Everypony has to eat, after all. It's just… your house is awfully close to mine, and my house is a well-known sanctuary…"

_Ohhh_… She didn't want me to let the naga and Gilda ruin her image as a safe-keeper of animals by setting up traps or hunting the animals that frequently come to her place. "I will… try to make sure the two of them stay away from your shack and to only hunt closer to the orchard rather than your house. For your part, tell your larger animals to try to stay away from there. I don't think the naga or Gilda would waste too much time hunting down rabbits or squirrels. Manticores and the like are better targets. And fair warning about Gilda: She is not at all pleased about having to stay with me, so try to avoid her for a few days or at the very least not mention me."

"Everypony is helpless sometimes, Nav. Maybe you should remind her of that."

"I prefer my skin attached to my body, thank you. Now, what else did you want to talk about?"

I should probably point out that by this time we were in my den. She was seated upon a couch and I was in an arm chair, hating my wings. She was watching them twitch behind me. She rolled her eyes at my discomfort. "I _was _going to say something else, but this has been bothering me for years. Nav, lay on the floor."

I shrugged and slid off the chair onto the mostly clean floor. I heard her walking over to me until she was straddling my body. Her hooves somehow grabbed my wings and pulled them taut. "Now, this might be uncomfortable," she warned, before tracing the back of my wings from the tip to the base. I shivered and tried to keep myself from getting aroused. After a few moments of toying around, she pulled one tight and pushed in on a random spot. I flinched before I realized that I felt no pain. I turned my head around and saw that the wing somehow folded along what was apparently a joint I never noticed.

"How in the fuck…" She shushed me and continued running her hoof along the unfolded part of the wing until she found another joint and pushed that one in too. My wing was folded against my body in a way that I imagined would be considerably less uncomfortable. I probably couldn't lie on my back for too long, but sitting in a chair wouldn't be a pain in the ass anymore. I was just gaping.

She reached over to the other wing and repeated the process. "There. I can't believe you didn't come to me for this sooner, Nav."

"What did you just do?"

She giggled and walked back over to the couch. "Nav, I deal with birds all the time. I'm used to finding hurt areas in broken wings. Those joints were unused for so long that they'll probably be weak, but your wings should be much more comfortable now."

…Well shit. "Why didn't you point this out sooner?"

"I thought you would come to me! I never imagined you would put up with it for so long. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't discover them yourself."

I pushed myself off the floor, still surprised. "I wasn't born with these. You were one of the ones that had to help me learn how to even move them. Of course I don't know where all the joints are. I don't know how to move them or how to fold them because I didn't have anyone to watch while I was growing up. I always thought what I was doing was the best that could be done, so I never bothered trying to improve it." Which is silly, now that I think about it. There were some nights that I woke up from a bad turn and was just tempted to cut the fuckers off. "But thanks, Fluttershy. Hopefully I can remember how to do that again. I would offer to kiss you for that, but I already know you would turn me down. Now, what else did you want to talk about?" I sat back in the chair, finally able to comfortably lean back. It felt ridiculously good.

She muttered something that I didn't catch and I swear I saw a blush, but I didn't comment. After she had her little moment, she looked around the room before turning back to me. "Nav, this house is very large. And honestly, something seems… missing."

I nodded. "Taya said the same thing. I didn't expect you to be able to feel it, though. I thought it was more of a unicorn thing. There's no magic operating here."

She blinked a few times. "That's… not what I meant. I mean, it seems _empty _empty."

"Well, yeah. It was just built. Chrysalis was kind enough to give us some basic furniture, but we don't have any knickknacks yet. I'm starting with the necessities like kitchen stuff, but we might get more later."

She sighed. "Let me try it again. Doesn't it seem _lonely _here?"

I blinked a few times. "Miss Fluttershy, are you flirting with me?"

She jerked back, blushing. "N-no!"

"Well geez, you don't have to be so rude about it." She lowered her head to her hooves, squeezing her eyes shut and making a funny whimpering noise. I burst out laughing. "Fluttershy, I'm just yanking your tail. I do, however, want to know what you mean."

She took a few moments to recover from her embarrassment. When she was able to look up—still with a blush on her face, of course—she said, "D-do you w-w-want a pet?"

"Oh, that's what you meant. I already have a kid, Fluttershy. I don't need another one. I don't think Taya cares about having a pet either. I don't trust Doppel or Gilda to keep something alive. What the naga does is his own problem."

"You don't have any goats, Nav. And pets are so much fun! You can play with them and cuddle them and you can ride on the bigger ones! Just think of all the fun things you can do!"

"…I'll pass. I'm going to have a hard enough time making sure Taya is fed to have to worry about something that can't tell me it's hungry."

"Oh, but animals _can _tell you if they're hungry! You just have to know what to look for and what to listen for! Like, when a yellow-spotted prairie mouse is hungry, it does—"

"Please stop talking." She froze. "Thank you. Now, I appreciate that you tried to pawn one of your little critters off on me—after all, I'm sure from an outward appearance I look lonely—" And fuck if that isn't true—"but I'm not interested. I already have enough problems to worry about without adding a creature that I don't know how to take care of." She opened her mouth again. "And yes, I know I could learn how." Her mouth dropped shut. "Knowing my luck, I'd end up pissing Gilda off and she'd eat the fucker just to spite me. I made a deal and I can't kick her out for a year, so there isn't much I could do to her other than yell at her and psychologically torture her. She's not as much of a bitch as she was, but she's _really _pissed. I don't want to risk it."

"But you're willing to trust her around Taya? What if Gilda hurts her?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Then they would never find the body." Her eyes widened and her ears dropped. "But that won't be happening. She should get over her anger quickly enough. Now, how have you been, Fluttershy? We haven't spent much time together recently."

She spent a moment to get over the horror I inflicted upon her—she gets faster and faster every time we talk. When she was better, she said. "I've been… okay, I guess."

"Only okay? Something been bothering you recently?"

"Well, I just spend so much time with my animals that it feels like everypony is leaving me behind sometimes. It gets… lonely. Animals are so much fun to be with, but sometimes I just want to talk to somepony that can talk back."

"Nothing's stopping you from taking time off. Your animals will understand. And you should talk to your friends about it and ask them to make more of an effort to include you."

"Nav, I _am _talking to a friend about it."

I flinched internally at that. "I meant one of your pony friends. If I didn't terrify you so much, I would offer to do more with you. As it is, I seem to scare you every time we talk. And you know that I'm not really good with animals. Well, those that can see me. I don't even know why you offered me a pet when most of them wouldn't even know I was there."

"Nav, you know I find you more calming than I do scary. You just… have a few rough edges that need to be worked out."

_Don't I know it_. "Yeah… But I know your friends aren't leaving you completely out of the loop. Did you guys do anything fun recently?"

We spent some time swapping tales before a grumpy Gilda hobbled down the stairs. "These things were not made for griffins," she muttered before glaring at me. "So I found out that this whole thing wasn't a bad dream. You make breakfast yet?"

"I didn't make it at all. There is no food in the house yet. That situation is being remedied as we speak. Until then, you're going to have to put up with being hungry or go find something yourself."

Her eyes jerked to Fluttershy, who flinched lightly. I knew that if Fluttershy wasn't here, I would be getting yelled at or attacked. Gilda's eyes moved back to me. "Fine."

She moved toward the door. I said, "Just stay to the side of the forest closer to the orchard, if possible. The other side has more of Fluttershy's animals, and we don't want any of them to get hurt."

She didn't answer, which might have been a good thing. One slammed door later and Fluttershy and I were alone again.

"Welcome to my life for the next week or two," I said.

"Why… why is she acting like that?"

"Her father's a right proper prick that basically told her not to come back. She didn't take it well. If you see Rainbow, ask her to try to get Gilda out of her bad mood. I don't want any property damage on the house that I just got." Which reminded me to look into insurance.

"If you think Rainbow Dash could get her out of her bad mood, why doesn't she just live with Dash?"

Well shit, she got me there. I waved a hand. "It's a long story, Fluttershy. One you don't need to worry about. Needless to say, Gilda is stuck here for a while. I don't like it, she doesn't like it, but that's the way it is."

"We have time. I want to hear the story."

"Fluttershy, I don't know how things work in Ponyland. But where I come from, when someone says that something is a 'long story,' it means that they don't want to talk about it."

"Oh… okay. Nav, can I—"

The door pushed open and in walked a very unhappy looking Doppel. She walked past us both and into the kitchen, grumbling very unhappily. She didn't even look up at us.

When she was out of eyesight, we shrugged and Fluttershy tried again, only to be interrupted by Applejack's "We're back!" Fluttershy just sighed as AJ kicked the door shut. "Well, the two of us at least. Taya stopped by Twilight's place." She got into the den with us and cast a suspicious look around before eyeing me and quietly saying, "I don't like that changeling, Nav. She tried flirting with Big Mac!"

"…Was it working?" I asked.

"Yes! Well, it was until I stepped in. I nipped that in the bud and made sure she knows not to mess with any of _my _family."

No comment. "So did you find everything you needed?"

"Yep!" She reached back and pulled my bag of bits from… somewhere. "Here's what's left." She tossed it to me. I quickly put it down on the side of the chair, not knowing where it had been. I knew she wouldn't cheat me, so I wasn't worried about that. "Now, about our deal…"

I hopped up. "Yeah, yeah." I walked over to another one of the couches and sat down, patting my lap. "Come on over. It's easiest if you're on my lap."

"Wait, you were serious about the back scratch? Hot diggedy!" She leapt up at me and quickly situated herself across my lap. I pulled her hat off and set it on the arm of the couch and started scratching her back. After a minute or two, when I had her legs kicking really good, I saw Fluttershy casting the occasional look at my hands and Applejack's face before biting her lower lip.

"Fluttershy, I have a spare hand."

"But… but you and Applejack…"

"That wasn't a question, Fluttershy. Get over here."

"…Okay."

Soon enough I had two ponies sighing in pleasure as I scratched at their ears, head, neck, back, and really just about anything else I could reach without getting in trouble.

"So what was it you needed me to do, AJ?" I asked as I continued my evil work.

"Move your hand a little to the left," she moaned. I did so. "Oooh yeah…"

I wasn't really expecting to get much out of her in this state, but it was amusing to see the normally reserved Applejack like this. I kept going for a few minutes before slowly petering out.

She sighed in disappointment when my hand stopped moving. I was still petting Fluttershy, since I didn't need information from her.

"Why'd you have to stop?" Applejack asked.

"Because I still need to know what it is you want me to do. You didn't seem very coherent when I was scratching your back."

She sighed and hopped down, grabbing her hat and walking to another couch. "Well, you know how you said the timber wolves were sentient?" She looked over and blinked when she saw that Fluttershy had quickly taken the spot on my lap that she vacated. "Now I know I didn't look _that _silly…" Fluttershy had a very contented look on her face. Applejack shook her head quickly. "Anyway, I want to know if you can talk to the timber wolves for me and ask them why they're so attracted to the zap apples. If we can get them to not attack the farm every time the apples bloom, it sure would save Granny a lot of worry."

"I suppose I can try to find a few packs and ask them. I'll start tonight, since I don't have anything better to do. I have no idea how long it'll take me to find a group, though."

"Take all the time you need, Nav. Their attacks don't go nowhere, but they sure do cause Granny Smith some strife."

Psh, that old bag was sure to die any day now anyway. But it would still give the rest of the Apple family some comfort to know why the timber wolves did it. I nodded. "I'll get it done when I can. I don't suppose you want a belly rub?"

Her eyes lit up before she turned away, blushing. "I wouldn't want to take up any of your time…"

"Chillax, lass. If you don't want one, just say no."

"Well it's not that I don't…" I patted the spot next to me on the couch. "Well, shucks. Why not?" She walked back over and hopped up, presenting her tummy.

I set my hand on it and said, "A warning: Effects of my belly rubs are random, and have reported to be ticklish, joyful, sexually pleasing, fun, and a recipe for disaster and a good night." Before she could comment I began rubbing. Her open mouth became a gasp and her eyes took on a dreamy state. She was humming quietly as I continued rubbing it and petting Fluttershy.

We were interrupted a few minutes into it by an unhappy Doppel. "All of your stuff is put away, _sir_," she forced out with as much sarcasm and anger as she could.

Applejack jerked herself out of her reverie at Doppel's voice and pushed my hand away, blushing. She rolled off the couch and said, "I uh… I just remembered that I promised to hang out with Pinkie today! See y'all later!" With that, she bolted to the door, tail as low as she could get it. The door slammed behind her.

Doppel watched her retreating form with confusion. "What was _that _about?"

I shrugged, stopping my assault on Fluttershy, who sighed. "Applejack's a pretty silly pony," I said. "Maybe she was just really in a hurry."

Fluttershy gasped when I said that, and looked up at the really fancy clock on the mantle of the fireplace. "I have to go feed my animals!" She jumped down to the floor. "Thanks for the talk, Nav. It was… nice."

"Any time, Fluttershy. Ain't no reason for you to feel left out while I'm around."

She smiled at that. "I guess not. I'll see you both later." And with that, Fluttershy joined Applejack in leaving.

Doppel turned to me, smirking. "_Talk_, huh?"

"Yes, talk. Fluttershy isn't that kind of mare. You, though…" I looked her up and down. "If you're looking for a good time, I'm down."

She sniffed. "I am not interested in the queen's hoof-me-downs." Ouch. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have plenty of sulking to catch up on." I rolled my eyes and grabbed her as she walked past, picking her struggling form up and putting her on my lap. "You put me down this instant!"

I didn't put her down that instant. Instead, I began petting her. I knew it wouldn't have as much effect since she had a carapace, but she enjoyed it before so I figured she could get into it this time. She stopped struggling when she realized that she wasn't getting anywhere, and instead just laid there and took it. After a few minutes I said, "Don't you feel better now?"

She turned her head around and showed me an exaggeratedly unhappy face with glaring eyes.

"Look, I'm not going to have you pissed off. I already have Gilda pissed at me and I'm not going to deal with two of you. What will it take for you to stop being so pissed?"

She dropped her unhappy face and fell back onto the couch. "Nav, it's not you. I just don't want to be here. I didn't do anything to deserve being made a… a _maid_. I went from being the queen's personal assistant to a lowly maid… And I'm so far from the hive, so far from my own species. It's lonely."

I patted her on the back. "Doppel, you're talking to the person with the second most experience with being lonely on the planet." Not counting the elementals. "I am the only human in existence. You may feel alone, but you aren't. There are three changelings in town. I'm sure you know who they are. And there is a hive near here. And you are still the queen's assistant, because you're reporting my every action and deed to her. Consider yourself her spy, not my maid. Or if you still don't like that, consider yourself my assistant."

She sighed. "I will try. I don't like it at all, but I know it isn't the fault of anypony here. Now can you please put me down?" I stopped holding her and she jumped down. "I suppose I can find something to do that isn't sulk…"

"There's a library in town. I'm sure if you're a spy you know how to read."

"A library… I never spent much time reading before. Do you think they would let me check books out?"

"Probably. But I imagine that you'll have to answer a few questions. If you're interested, it's the giant tree in town."

She nodded. "I'll go check it out. It'll be better than lounging about the house all day…" She fluttered her wings. "And it'll give me a chance to exercise." And with that, I managed to get all the chicks out of my house.

I went to go find the naga. I wasn't really in a hurry to get my ass kicked in sparring, but I knew I had to learn somehow.

I very quickly learned that learning is painful. God, is it ever.


	68. Chapter Sixty-Six

Chapter Sixty-Six

I squared off against the naga, barely holding the stick he gave me to use against him. I have no idea what they were made of, but I know mine was small and his was huge and his hurt whenever he hit me. I imagine that he barely felt mine. Well, assuming I could ever hit him. If I hadn't been wearing my armor, I would have been sporting several bruises. As it was, my wings felt like they had been beaten and plucked and I could feel various aches from where the armor stopped blows from that massive hunk of wood he was using.

"That is not a proper stance," he told me.

_Bitch please, you don't even have legs._ "Well, I've never been told what a proper stance is. Maybe you should show me."

"Or you could experiment until you find it. The best stance differs from fighter to fighter."

I rolled my shoulders. "Then how do you know that this stance isn't proper for me?"

Before I could react, he lunged and lashed his sword against the shield I was using, throwing me off my feet. "Because if it was proper, you wouldn't have fallen." He reached down and grabbed the lip of my shield, pulling me off the beaten grass. I'm glad I didn't have any work put into my yard. We were currently in my backyard, away from the prying eyes of anyone that might want to 'help' me if they saw my ass getting beaten by the naga. "Now, try again."

I sighed and backed away from him, pulling myself into a better stance. I had my shield facing him and my sword over the top right of it, pointing at him. My legs were in what I was hoping was a suitable fighting stance.

"It needs work," he said with a nod. "But it's considerably better." He pulled his hunk of wood up in a two-handed stance. "Now, see if you can hit me."

_This isn't going to end well._ I slowly walked up to him, my shield not wavering. When I was within his range, he swung his sword down at my head and I barely made it out of the way. It stopped from hitting the ground and shot toward me. I barely jumped over it, knowing it would trip me. I lashed out with my sword but he somehow moved his up to intercept it before pushing back on it, throwing my sword and hand back hard enough to spin me. I lashed out with my shield as I spun, hoping I could hit him. He grabbed my shield with one hand and swung the sword down with his other. I let the shield go and pulled my arm free, dodging the sword. I shot mine at him before he could correct, but he slammed my shield across the side of my head and I went down hard.

I found myself in that glade Flo seems to like so much. I knew my body had to be fucked up if I was here. I walked to the center and found Flo waiting. "What's the damage?" I asked her.

"I can't tell all of it, but you have a pretty bad concussion. I wouldn't be surprised if you were missing teeth. Nav, I'm going to put this in words you can understand. You aren't a tank. Don't even try to be one. You are the 'damage per second' member. Stop trying to use the shield and use your speed and dexterity to your advantage."

I nodded. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. It leaves me with a shield that I can't use, though."

"And? I could tell from looking at it that it has been there for at least a century without being moved for anything more than cleaning. You know some of the history of that place, Nav. It's probably a leftover from the city that used to be there ages ago. No one else would have used it, so it's hardly a waste. Now, are you ready to try to wake up?"

I looked around the glade before asking, "How much pain am I going to be in?"

"A lot. I have no objection if you want to stay here with me…"

I nodded. "I like that idea. Let me know when my headache is gone and I'll wake up." I wrapped my arms around her and saw that pretty pink glow return to her. She carried us to the ground.

A few minutes later, she sighed. "It's time for you to wake up, Nav. Taya's healed you."

"Send me away, then. I'll see you again in a few months." With that, I woke up.

My gauntleted hand went to my head as I sat up. I was quickly hugged by Taya. I lowered my hand when I realized I wasn't in pain and pulled her against me. "Did I get hit by a bloody truck?" I asked.

The naga chuckled. "Not quite. I just forgot how different you are." I looked up and saw him holding my bloody helmet in one hand.

Taya spoke up and said, "You're going to need a trip to the dentist, daddy."

I swirled my tongue around, flinching when I felt broken teeth. "Yep… Fucking Colgate." I let go of Taya and she backed away. I got to my feet, stumbling a little out of dizziness. I quickly recovered. The naga passed me my helmet and I put it on my belt before walking over to my shield and grabbing it. "I'm changing first. No reason to go into town looking like this." I looked over at Taya. "Hey, did I ever take you to the dentist?" I saw her ears lay down and she quickly nodded. I lifted an eyebrow and she looked away. "Then you're coming with me. I ain't letting you do to your teeth what I did to mine." I didn't treat my teeth well as a child. Bad things happened. "Colgate may be terrifying and possibly a serial molester, but she knows her stuff. I think. Get ready to go."

She looked down at herself before looking up to me. "I _am _ready."

I shrugged and went to go change.

When I got back out, Taya looked somewhat worried. I rubbed her head as we left the gates. "What do you know about Colgate?" I asked.

"That she's… weird. I've seen her looking at my teeth. And she looks at yours a lot. I don't think she's all there."

"Let's just say that there's a reason I'm not going there alone. No matter what she says, don't leave me alone with her. The last two times I got drugged and ended up passing out. I have no idea what happened after that, but I woke up both times hours later being carried out by someone else, with a minty taste in my mouth that didn't leave for days." Not this time, though. The last few times I went, I was disgusted by the idea of fucking a pony. Now, I had a plan.

"So does that mean she isn't going to look at my teeth?"

"No, she will. No child of mine is going to have fucked up teeth. Even if that means dealing with Colgate. Also, how mad would you be if I put a limit on the amount of time you were allowed to be home?"

"…Why would you do that? That's just cruel."

I shrugged. "The idea is that it would force you to socialize. It would give you a good chance to learn how to do so before we leave."

"But the ponies here are so... ugh! Why would I ever want to spend time with them?"

"Because they can be amusing. Rainbow Dash, for instance, is almost always amusing to be around. We don't have much in common, but most of her persona is just amusing to me. I don't know why. Same for Fluttershy." Well, I did know why for both of those, but I knew Dash had a bad habit of sleeping on low flying clouds and could be listening in. Fluttershy's innocence was fun to play with and Dash was just really fun and easy to tease. She usually took it reasonably well, too.

"But the little fillies you keep trying to pawn me off on are so annoying! They constantly try to get me my cutie mark in the most ridiculous and off-the-wall ways! I know it's something that will come in time, but they don't seem to like that idea." She put on a bad southern accent for this next part. "They want it _now_!" She huffed and her voice went back to normal. "It'll come when it comes."

"Well, if you don't like them then make different friends. I know there are plenty of kids in Ponyville. Or if the kids annoy you, there's nothing stopping you from going after older game. Just avoid some of the teens, because I can imagine they'd be dicks. Either way, you need to talk to ponies outside of the small group you're forced to interact with. It would be good for you."

"Even if we're just going to leave soon?"

"Yes." You know, I honestly never thought I would be telling my daughter to go talk to strangers. Most ponies are pretty chill, once you get past their fear of the unknown. Most. "Now that it's been a few days, what do you make of Gilda?"

She grimaced. "I know she's in a bad mood, but that's no reason for her acting like she is." Gilda hadn't been too bad, all things told. That said, I would rather her not be in my house than be in it, the way she had been acting. The whole general bitchiness thing was getting old. I had an idea to either piss her off enough to make her leave or finally settle her down. I was looking forward to it.

We were on the outskirts of town and were getting noticed by several ponies, who didn't really care. Taya and I walking was a normal enough sight, and since I washed the blood off my face there was nothing odd about it. That said, Rainbow Dash quickly joined our group, hovering next to us. "Hey Nav, what's with Gilda? She's been in the worst mood I've seen since she freaked out and left Ponyville a few years back."

"If she isn't saying anything, I'm not saying anything. I made that deal with her. It involved her father, if that helps."

She growled. "It would. That jerk's always on her case about something or another! I've never even met him and I hate him."

"I _have _met him and I hate him. He's a right proper prick. Serious misogynist. I got to threaten to break him in half, though."

"Good going, Nav." She continued floating next to me for a few moments in silence. "Soooo… you doing anything today?"

"Gotta get my teeth fixed." I pulled my gums down and showed her how fucked up they were.

"Sweet Celestia! How did that happen?"

I shrugged and casually said, "I talked back to Taya and she got mad. She hit me in the face with the first hard thing she could find."

Rainbow giggled awkwardly and Taya cast a disdainful eye at me. "That's a good one, Nav…" Rainbow warily said.

I looked at her, trying to put fear into my eyes. "Do you think I'm joking?" Her smile dropped and her eyes darted to Taya. She gulped loudly and opened her mouth but I cut her off with, "Because I am."

She kicked me in the arm. Hard. "Don't do that! You know some of us can't tell when you do things like that!"

I chuckled at her baleful glare. "Dash, make of this what you will, but you're really cute when you're angry. No bromo."

She snorted, but couldn't hide a blush. "And you're pretty much always ugly. So what are you doing after you get your teeth fixed?"

"Well, the plan was to go back and get my ass kicked around my yard some more by my naga friend, but I think he would understand if I took the rest of the day off. But it takes a long time to regrow teeth. This isn't my first time."

"Oh yeah, back when AJ thought your head was an apple tree for a second. You're a lot more talkative this time!"

"Less swelling. And I actually have some teeth, so I'm less worried about showing them off. I am, however, worried about Colgate. The last—and only—two times I've been there, she drugged me and I have no idea what happened. That's why Taya is here."

"Wellll, it has been a long time since I had my teeth checked… I guess I can go too."

Taya and I both looked at her. I asked, "Are you really so bored that going to the dentist sounds better than being alone?"

She looked away and muttered something that I barely caught. All I heard were the words Pinkie and heat and couldn't help but flinch.

"Yeah, come on Dash. You're sticking with us for now." Taya gave me a questioning look. "You'll understand when you're…" I stopped, blinking. "Hey Dash, when do mares start going into heat?"

"I dunno. I started getting mine short after I got my cutie mark. Considering that's seen as a sign of puberty among us ponies, that's probably what caused it. I never cared for any of that science stuff, you know that."

I shrugged. "Either way, you'll understand when you're older, Taya." And won't that be fun to explain.

We made it to Colgate's business building, so I was saved from having to expound on what I meant. I looked at the door for a few seconds before sighing and pulling it open for the two ladies.

Dash scoffed. "I'm not going in first." She grabbed me and pushed me in. Mares just don't appreciate politeness…

Either way, it meant I was the first to see Colgate's shiny smile as she was staring dead at the door from behind her desk. She was sitting in the exact same position she was in the last time I came by. I shivered as I led my small group inside. Her grin only widened when she saw the three of us, and her eyes fixated on me with an extra intensity.

"How can I help you today, _favorite _patient of mine?" she asked in a voice that just screamed 'crazy.'

"I need more fixed teeth. Taya needs a checkup. Dash thinks she has some fur stuck in her te—" A kick in the shin shut me up.

With a short glare to me, Dash said, "I need my teeth cleaned."

"Welllll… As much as I'd like to let Nav go first, cleaning teeth doesn't take nearly as long as regrowing them. If the two of you would just follow me, I can get you started right away."

She hopped right over her desk and somehow managed to wrap a single foreleg around both of their necks and started dragging them off to the back room. I followed. Colgate reached out and opened the door to the back room before unceremoniously pushing them both inside. "Sorry Nav, but you gotta wait. It shouldn't take too long!"

I started to debate the point, but she jumped in behind the two and slammed the door shut. I reached for the handle to find that it was locked. I jerked my hand to where I occasionally put my key to realize I left it at home.

I sighed and walked back to her 'waiting room.' All of the magazines were months old. Most of the books were for kids. The newspaper was for Trottingham. If there had been a TV it probably would have been playing some kind of silly judge reality show. In short, it was exactly like a waiting room back home.

I settled into a chair to wait. Sometime later, Colgate popped her head back out and said, "The dentist will see you now!" For some reason this made her giggle.

I stood and walked to the door. "What about Dash and Taya? Where are—" I stopped when I stepped inside and saw them curled up in the corner, smiles on their faces as they slept away. I sighed. _Guess we're doing this the hard way_. "So do you give all of your patients laughing gas?"

"Oh no, I try to keep most of that for myself. But some of them are more unruly than others and don't like listening to their dentist! Now, to the chair." She made a motion to the dentist chair I was well acquainted with.

I turned to her and lifted my hand to her head, scratching at her ears. She flinched in surprise, but the smile didn't disappear. "You know, with the two of them asleep, we could… find something else to do." I was using my seductive voice. My other hand started scratching under her chin. "I bet that chair will hold two…"

She looked at me for five seconds before it clicked. Her pupils shrank to pinpricks, her ears drooped, she started hyperventilating, and she backed away. "I-I-I d-d-don't… I m-m-m-mean… You…"

I grinned and stepped forward, pushing my arm out again. She shrank away from it. "Come now, my dear. Don't you think it would be fun?" I wiggled my fingers and she let out a funny scared sound. "I bet you have something that would make you very sensitive…"

She finally hit the wall and turned away, squeezing her eyes shut. "P-please…"

I blinked, looking down at her. "Holy shit, you're actually terrified." I pulled my arm back, stepping away. I decided to give her even more room and went to sit on the edge of the chair until she recovered. It took her a minute. When she realized I hadn't said or done anything in a while, she forced an eye open, scanning the room. She saw me looking at her with concern from halfway across the room and flinched. She didn't take long to take a few deep breaths to fully calm down. "Soooo…"

The crazy smile and wide eyes came back as she merrily trotted to the chair. "Now just you lean back and I'll take _gooood _care of you!"

"I don't suppose there's any way we could do this without me getting drugged?"

"That would take most of the fun out of it, though! Laughing gas sure is a hoot." She giggled at her own joke. I just gave her a deadpan look until her mirth passed.

I let the moment linger for awkwardness's sake. Finally I said, "Whatever you're doing to me that requires me to be here for several hours needs to stop."

"You don't like having your teeth cleaned?" It sounded like she considered that the ultimate blasphemy.

"I know you didn't knock me out and keep me here three hours last time to clean my teeth."

She giggled again. "Sure I did! I cleaned them and brushed them and scrubbed them and flossed them… Oh, it was so much fun! You just have such great teeth! I wonder if I can get little Spikey to let me do his…"

"…So you didn't molest me?"

Her mouth dropped.

"Just checking." I folded my wings up and sat back in the chair. "I can clean my own teeth. I can't, however, regrow them. Do whatever you want, but don't make my canines big like that again. It was annoying." I heard muttering and the clip-clopping of hooves as she marches around the room, grabbing things. "Oh, and if you do plan on gassing me, I probably have a higher tolerance than I did before."

Flo whispered, "Are you sure that's a good idea to tell her, Nav?"

_With as scared as she was, I don't think she's going to do anything to me. And even if she does, well, at this point I don't really care. As long as she doesn't hurt me she can do whatever._ Now it was Flo's turn to mutter incomprehensibly.

Soon enough Colgate was back to her bubbly self. She walked over, bent her horn down to my mouth, and I felt my teeth begin elongating back to where they should be. "You really need to stop breaking your teeth. They're such a pain to get back to normal. But it does mean I get to play with your teeth, so I guess it's worth it!" Her horn stopped glowing and she pulled away. "Now, leave your mouth open. Do not close it. I'll be right back!"

I decided it would be a good idea to not close my mouth. I really wanted to run my tongue over my teeth, but I didn't want to cut it if any of the edges were sharp. It wasn't a long wait, though. She came trotting back in, floating a box next to her. She set it down on a table next to me and opened it, pulling out some kind of plaster.

"Now, we can do this the quick and painful way or the slow and uncomfortable way. Which would you like?"

I tried to say quick and painful, but it's hard to talk with your mouth open. Thankfully, she was still very fluent in open-mouth speak.

"Well, if that's your choice… Hold still." She floated the plaster over to my mouth. I was able to see that it was grooved with my teeth, presumably taken from the first time I was here. It slowly fitted into my mouth, not touching anything. "Slowly close your mouth until you're just barely touching it with your teeth." I did so. I felt one of her hooves grab my hand. "On the count of three, bite down as hard as you can." I did not like where this was going. "One." I was about to ask if it was too late to reconsider. "Two." But I also didn't want to be there all day. "Three." I bit down and started screaming in pain as I felt my teeth grinded down to their proper shape in the span of two seconds. Thankfully, my mouth was kind of forced closed so the screams weren't that loud.

The pain lasted for three minutes as I just laid there, panting. It took Colgate a full minute to get her hoof away from my clenching hand. She busied herself around the room, humming a song that sounded somewhat familiar.

When the pain finally eased enough that I was able to think again, I reached a hand up and pulled the plaster out of my mouth. "Holy fuck," I groaned, holding it up. Slimy chunks of teeth slid down it.

"Most ponies take longer to recover than that!" she said, hopping over. Her horn lit up and the plaster pulled away. "You should have seen Big Mac the last time he was in here. Whimpering and crying like a baby the entire time, and he only had _one _tooth to fix!"

I sat up, rolling my shoulders. "So is that it? Am I good to go?"

She whirled around with that smile, her horn glowing and making several cleaning things fly up around her head. I saw a few brushes, several things of floss, and a set of those pokey things with the mirrors. I sighed and fell back into the chair. "That's the spirit!"

Have you ever sat in a chair for an hour while someone lovingly caressed your teeth? While they were constantly singing the word 'brush' to the Inspector Gadget theme?

It was maddening. I swear she started saying 'butt scratch' around the halfway point. I think I preferred the idea that she was molesting me, honestly.

Anyway, when she was done with all of what she was doing, she finally let me get up. "Now wasn't that fun?" she sweetly asked, shoving what looked like a mouth guard and a toothbrush in my hand.

"No," I answered, popping my neck and sliding the things into a pocket. "How did those two sleep through that?"

"Laughing gas is a lot of fun." She walked over to a canister, put her mouth where the gas gets out, and turned the valve. She sucked in a lethal amount of it before turning the valve closed and turning back around, her eyes bright red and a dreamy smile on her face. "Oooh yeah, that's the stuff. You want a hit?"

I was looking at her in horror. "I'm good. I'm just gonna…" I quickly walked over to the two sleeping ponies and started poking them. Taya was quick to wake up, but Dash just rolled over and muttered something. I rolled my eyes, pulled her wing up, and ran my hand down it. She woke up with a moan and I let it drop against her.

"Whe-where am I?" she asked, rubbing her eyes as she sat up. When she saw me standing above her, she jerked straight. "Dude, why are you in my house?"

"If your house looks like a dentist's office I'm going to help you redecorate," I answered.

"Hey!" Colgate shouted. "That's not… What were we talking about?"

Taya and Dash both looked at her, confused. "Is she… okay?" Dash asked.

I waved a hand. "Yeah, she just had what should have been a lethal dose of laughing gas. Let's go."

Taya looked at me with concern. "Did you say lethal?"

"Yep. Let's go. I'm sure Colgate is a busy mare." At the moment she was just looking at Rainbow and giggling.

"Hey uh, you two go on ahead," Dash said. "I think I want to stay and talk a while."

I leaned in next to her and whispered, "Dash, I'm not trying to beaver dam you here," beaver dam being the female version of cock block, "but Colgate is beyond fucking crazy. I don't think you want any part of her."

She licked her lips. "I can think of one part I wouldn't mind having…"

I shook my head. "Trust me. I tried flirting with her and she almost pissed herself in fear."

She grinned. "That's because you ain't the Dash. I'll be fine!"

I shrugged and stood up. "I'll be home, if you still want to chill later. Good luck. Come on, Taya." We thankfully got out of that place and started back. "So how was getting your teeth cleaned?" I asked.

"I… I don't remember. She stuck something over my face and told me to breathe deeply." She looked down. "Sorry, daddy."

I ruffled my feathers. "No worries, Taya. I handled it well enough on my own. I don't think I'll be having problems with her again." She still looked sad, though. "You want anything out of town before we go back?" She shook her head and we just kept walking. Until I thought of some stuff I needed, that is. "Well, I do. Let's go to the hardware store." I had my trusty bag of bits. It was time to get some tools and some wood to start building shit from Earth. I wouldn't mind building a trebuchet that could throw a rock to Ponyville from my house. It would be fun to have in my front yard. Then there was the ballista for the naga.

We went to the store and got what we needed, Taya mercifully teleporting it all to our front yard to be dealt with later. We left Ponyville with a considerably lighter pouch and plans of fun carpentry projects in my head.

When we got to my house I very quickly got the feeling that something was wrong. That was probably because there was a fucking standoff in my living room. The griffin king and a few of his guards were on one side, with what looked like Gilda's dad. The naga was on the other side with his weapon bared, standing in front of a terrified Doppel. Cadance was in the middle, glaring at them both.

I slammed the door behind us, making everyone turn our way. I crossed my arms. "And just what the fuck is this about?" I demanded.

"Why is that… _bug _here, Navarone?" the king asked.

"She is my maid. And her name is Doppel."

"And just _why _do you have a bug as a maid?" he asked, his voice considerably less than pleasant.

"Because the changelings are the only race that have not fucked me over. Now what the fuck do you want?"

Gilda's dad spoke up, this time: "I want that bug's head! There's no telling what she did to my daughter!"

I narrowed my eyes and let my arms fall. "If you touch her you will not leave this house alive." Cadance gasped and the griffin jerked back.

The king said, "And you would risk _war _for the sake of one of these bugs?"

"Equestria can fucking burn for all I care. If you dare hurt someone loyal to _me _I will kill you myself. Do we have an understanding?"

Gilda's dad was shaking in rage. The only thing stopping him from acting was my threat and my reputation. The king was oddly calm. Cadance looked terrified. The naga didn't give any fucks. Doppel had wisely chosen to make herself scarce when everyone's attention was no longer on her.

The king snorted. "Fine. There's no sport or honor in killing a maid anyway. Navarone, I have a deal for you."

My eyes flicked to Cadance for a second and I had a small glimmer of hope. I looked back to Bloodbeak. "I'm listening."

He looked at the naga. "I'd prefer to discuss business without bared steel anywhere near me." The naga looked to me and I jerked my head to a door. He put his sword up and left the room. "Better. Shall we sit?"

I walked over to an armchair, taking note of all that was happening. Cadance, Taya, and the king were the only three moving to any kind of seating. Taya ended up on the floor next to me. The other two picked couches. The other important griffin clearly wanted to sit, but was too busy glaring at me. The two redshirt guards took up positions behind their king.

"So how can I help you?" I asked, steepling my fingers.

The king sighed. "It has been made painfully obvious to me," he glanced at Cadance for one second before looking to Gilda's dad for another, "that your culture does not practice arranged marriages and that attempting to force you into one might not have been the best move." He grinned. "However, I knew this might have been the case when I did it. That is, in fact, one of the reasons I did it. If you married Gilda you would become part of my family and be obligated to help me. Or at least, that is the way it would be in the griffin culture. Obviously that isn't the same where you come from. But if you _really _didn't want her, I had the idea for a deal. Would you be interested in hearing it?"

"Do you really need to ask? Yes, I am."

"I want you to draft my country a constitution and build us a parliament. Give us the government of the United Kingdom from your world."

There was silence for almost a minute. Eventually I said, "And in return?"

"The engagement will be canceled."

My eyes went unfocused as I thought. It would piss Celestia off something fierce, so that was one good point. But I don't know why he wanted it at all. "Why?" I asked. "I know we talked a lot about it when I was in Gryphus, but why do you want this?"

"Several reasons. One is because of the war that almost happened. My idiot cousin almost talked me into a war that would ruin us. No one griffin should have the power to ruin his entire country. The second reason is because I think your world is more civilized than ours in that respect. I thought about it for a long time when you left. A free-thinking population is better than a population that supports you out of indifference. I would rather know that I have the support of my country—or at least the majority—by having them vote on something than just assuming and acting. And the third reason is that it would anger Celestia greatly."

I slowly nodded. "All good reasons…" Still, it seemed like a trap. "Two conditions. One: Gilda can stay here if she wants. I won't marry her, but that doesn't mean she has to go home. Two: If this goes wrong I will take no blame for it."

Gilda's dad didn't seem happy with that. "Now wait just a min—"

The king cut him off with, "Done. When can I expect the first draft of the constitution?"

"When are you leaving Canterlot?"

"Three more days."

"I'll have it to you tomorrow. When was the last time you did a census in your country?"

"…A what?"

I sighed. That makes it a lot harder. "A census is when every person in your country is counted. A lot of other information is also collected. In my country it was done by mail. A survey was sent to each house and it was filled out and then sent back. I don't know how you would do it in your country. But basically, those surveys were used to form voting districts, which is how representatives for our congress were picked. I think the UK worked in the same way."

He nodded. "When you bring us the constitution, give us a list of things to ask our citizens. I will give my country a census, have my scribes gather the data, and send you the results along with someone to teach. It will take some time to get my griffins used to this change anyway. Is that acceptable?"

"Yeah." I leaned back. "Of all the things you could have asked from my world, why did you pick this government? Why not technology? Or something else?"

"I noticed something from your world while we were talking. Of all of the countries in power, almost none of them have totalitarian rulers or kings that make most or any of the big decisions. Most of the countries that you mentioned with single rulers use technology to oppress their subjects and those countries are weak. It appears to me that your society has to develop before your technology does, or else you run the risk of having a government that enslaves you based on the ability to keep you under their thumb with technology. A leader should rule through respect, not fear."

Gryphonia was now on my list of possible places to live.

The king grinned at the expression that was probably on my face. "I can see you agree. I thought you would, from the way you reacted when we threatened your subject. Navarone, if ever you need a new home, you are welcome in my castle and in my court. Although I fear my court will soon stop existing, so I do not think that is the best offer I could give. Now, where is Gilda? I think it would be best to give her the news as soon as possible."

I shrugged. "I have no clue. She's been in a very pissy mood lately and has been roaming around the area. She'll be back before night falls. I'll tell her when she gets here."

Her dad let out a shout of fury. "You let my daughter freely roam? In a place full of PONIES AND MONSTERS?!" He turned to the guards and screamed, "ARREST THIS APE!"

They didn't even flinch. The king was looking at me to see how I would handle it. I was calmly looking at the griffin. "Remove yourself from my property," I said, my voice cold.

He launched himself at me and was caught in the air by a lightning bolt from Taya that threw him into one of the guards. Cadance and the king jumped to their feet. The guard pushed the griffin off him and stood. Gilda's dad weakly pushed himself up, his plumage smoking. I don't think he was hit hard enough to be killed.

"Maybe you did not understand me," I said. "I told you to get out."

The king nodded to the guards, who grabbed him and dragged him out of my house. He turned back to me, grinning. "I've been looking for an excuse to strip him of his titles for years. Everyone knows he beats his wife but there was never any proof. Now I don't need it. If Gilda ever goes home, it will be to a large estate that she owns." He looked down to Taya. "That was a remarkable shot. I applaud you." He looked back to me. "And you should be proud to have her as your daughter. Or at least, I assume this is Taya?"

"Yes she is and yes I am."

Cadance finally let her voice be heard. "You shouldn't applaud that or be proud of it! Little fillies shouldn't know that kind of magic, Nav!"

"Oh, I agree," I said. "She shouldn't know it. But she does know it and she knows it well enough to use it. And for that I am proud. I will have a talk with her later about it, don't you worry. Now, Bloodbeak, do you have anything else for me?"

"No, Navarone. And it is about time for me to return to the castle. I do not want Celestia suspicious about what I am doing." I stood and offered him my hand. He grinned and shook it. "It was good doing business with you."

"Same here. And I'm glad you were able to see reason. Now go devise an excellent punishment for that bastard." He grinned and left, leaving Cadance behind.

I turned to her before she could say anything. "You are now best princess," I said. "Now come here." I wrapped her in a hug. "You need anything, give me a call and I'll come." I let her go and fell back into my chair. "So how did you do it?"

She grinned, taking her seat back on the couch. "I threatened to follow him back to Gryphus and talk to him about love every day until the engagement was broken."

"Oooh, no wonder he gave up."

She rolled her eyes. "You know the power of love, Nav, even if you like to pretend you don't. You may not have had the best experience with it, but you've spent enough time with the changelings to know that it is a force to be reckoned with when enough of it is taken or given. Everypony should feel that. It should not be denied by a marriage neither partner seeks."

"You won't hear me deny that," I sighed. _As much as I'd like to…_ "How did Celestia and Luna take this news?"

"They don't know yet. I will tell Celestia when I get back. I imagine she'll tell Luna tonight. And Navarone, you need to talk to Luna. She is absolutely livid. I do not think she has been this angry with anypony since she gave into Nightmare Moon."

"Yeah, I had a feeling she would be pissed at me. How do you suggest I deal with her?"

She looked around the room for a moment before settling her gaze on me. "Navarone, I don't think there is anything you can do to alleviate her anger right now. The existence of this lovely house offends her. The fact that you went to Chrysalis instead of her offends her. That it was me that decided to help you get out of this engagement enrages her. She is your liege lady and yet your life has nothing to do with her anymore. If you don't come to her by the week's end, I imagine she will be sending guards to get you and force you to come to her. And Navarone, if that happens, you will not be able to expect aid from either me or Celestia. We can't interfere with whatever penance Luna would assign you if she forces you to come to her."

"Whoa whoa whoa, penance? As in, forcing me to do some bullshit task to reearn her favor? Fuck that shit!"

"I understand that it is not an idea you are comfortable with. However, I know you are smart enough to have realized that asking Chrysalis for aid was not without repercussions. You may not have known what they were, but you knew they were coming. As much as I hate to say it, you brought this one on yourself."

My shoulders sagged. "Yeah. I suppose I did, this time." It's what I get for purposefully pissing off the two most powerful people on the planet. "I'll see her tomorrow, when I drop off the information for the king. Tell Celestia that, but not Luna. See if you can get her to put off sending guards after me. Also, it would be awesome if you could avoid telling Celestia any of what happened here with Bloodbeak, but I understand if you can't stay silent about it."

She shook her head. "Celestia won't hear a word about it from me. I had a long talk with Shining Armor." She looked away. "It hurt. I want to say it hurt more than you could imagine, but I know better now." She looked back at me. "Whatever it's worth, I'm here for you. Remember that."

"I know, Cadance." I let the silence settle for a moment before grinning and saying, "As long as it's not estrus, at least." She blushed a bright red and I giggled.

Still blushing, she said, "As… fun… as it would be to continue this, I think it's time I went back. Shining Armor will be missing me, I'm sure…"

I shook my head. "Nope. First you're going to go visit Twilight. Then you can go back. If she finds out that you came to visit me but not her I'd never hear the end of it."

"I can take a few minutes out of my busy schedule for that… I will see you later, Navarone."

And just like that, my visitors were gone. I sighed closed my eyes for a moment before I heard Taya failing at sneaking because of her hooves. "Sit down," I told her, not opening my eyes. She sighed and hopped up in a couch. "Why would you use lightning, of all things? Telekinesis to hold him. Air to just toss him back. A shield to block him. But you chose something potentially lethal. Why?" I finally opened my eyes to look at her and found that she was almost crying. It was at that point that I realized, holy shit, she's probably terrified at what she did. I wasted no time in jumping over and hugging her. "He'll be okay, Taya. They'll fix him up right proper." I remember how I was after my first kill. I imagined it would be even worse for a little filly, even one like Taya.

"It… it just came to me… I didn't even think about it… Just… zap…"

I knew this next question was risky, but I had to ask it. "How did it feel?"

She was silent for so long I thought I judged wrong. Finally she said, "Right. It felt… right. He was a bully that was looking for a reason to hurt you. He deserved what he got."

I pulled away. "Remember that. He was a bad person. But also remember this: We are not judges. We do not decide who should live or who should die. If you ever had to make a split second life or death choice and killing the other person is your only option, do it without hesitation. But when you can avoid killing, do so every time. You didn't have to hurt that griffin. I understand that it was just something automatic for you, but in the future you need to be more careful and judge your responses better. There was no harm done this time, but you might not get so lucky if there's ever a next time." Which there probably will be, with my career.

"How… how will I know when to do what?"

"We can talk about that later." Honestly I figured that would be more of a common sense thing. Maybe it isn't for ponies. "Are you okay now?" She nodded and I backed away, giving her space. "I still remember my first kill. It isn't easy. It gets easier with time, though." And being able to convince yourself that you were in the right makes it even easier.

"What was your first time like?" she quietly asked.

"Whoa!" Doppel said, surprised as fuck. "What did I walk into?" I looked up and saw her and the naga standing in the hall to the kitchen.

"A conversation about my first kill," I answered. "A conversation that will sadly be put off. The griffins didn't hurt either of you, did they?"

The naga snorted. "Those feathered cowards wouldn't dare try to attack someone I protect." Shit, I wouldn't either.

"Good. Now how did they get inside?"

Doppel answered, "I went to the door when I heard knocking. I saw that pink princess and considered slamming the door in her face. Before I could, one of the griffins squawked, pointed at me, and yelled something about changelings. The other griffins forced the door open."

"Well, they didn't get you. That's what matters. All these fucking griffins everywhere are starting to piss me off. Next thing you know we'll get a damn dog in here and he'll start trying to kill you too."

She shivered. "I hope not. I still get a bad feeling whenever I see Gilda looking at me."

"Well, I now have the power to kick her furry ass to the curb. The engagement's canceled and she owns an estate back in Gryphonia."

The naga and Doppel were both confused by that. "Engagement?" they both asked.

I shrugged. "We weren't going to tell anyone. We were forcefully engaged. Now the engagement is broken. I'll give her the choice to stay here, on the condition that she stops acting like a bitch. Any objections?"

"You keep using that word," the naga said. "I do not think you know what it means."

I had a terrifying flashback. I blinked my way out of it. "What word? Bitch? It has a different meaning where I come from. It means that the person is not fun to be around and is a jerk. Now like I said, are there any objections?"

"Can't we just skip the wait part and make her leave?" Doppel asked.

"No. I'm giving her the option. I don't think she'll take it, since she has her own estate now, but still. God knows this house would feel lonely enough anyway."

The naga chuckled. "You would rather have a… bitch as company than be lonely? I worry about you, human."

"I worry about me, too," I said with a nod. "But as I said, as long as she cools off she can stay. Now, I need to put all the stuff in the yard away and then I need to start writing something. I wish I could continue practicing, but I need to start on this now or I might not finish in time."

The naga shrugged. "You owe me tomorrow, then."

"I can give you some of it. Unfortunately I have to go to Canterlot sometime tomorrow, and after that there's no telling what'll happen. I really hope things will calm down soon. I swear, I never want to go to another party again if this is the kind of shit that happens after them. When I put my tools and materials up, I'll be upstairs. Send Gilda up when she gets back."

I went out back. Doppel and the naga followed me. None of what I got was really that heavy, but I wasn't going to complain about help.

"You really are tiny, human," the naga commented as he casually pulled something that I was carrying with two hands away from me. "And yet it seems everything here is afraid of you. When I threatened the griffins, they paused but were edging to attack. And yet when you stepped in they backed down. Why is that?"

"A few reasons. Bloodbeak is a friend of mine. He needed something from me. I have a reputation. And I was in the right. I'm not going to let anyone hurt anyone that's loyal to me, as I said before." I patted Doppel on the head. She was fighting a smile by pretending to glare at me. I wanted to reach down and pinch her cheek, but that was really close to her fangs and she had a carapace anyway.

"I will keep that in mind, human," the naga answered. "So what are you going to do with all of these tools?"

"Build weapons. I won't have time to learn blacksmithing, but I should be able to find what I need for a one-shot pistol in town. It won't be too accurate, but fuck if it won't surprise the hell out of anyone I shoot it at." The only reason I didn't build one before is because I knew Twilight would be snooping around putting her nose where it did not belong.

"What is a pistol?"

"Human thing. Don't worry about it. I will also attempt to build you a ranged weapon, but no promises about how accurate it will be."

He shrugged. "Anything is better than nothing. It will be amusing to show to the rest of the clan, if nothing else."

A few minutes of putting stuff up later, I was sitting back in my office, forging a new government for the griffins. This involved a lot of back and forth with Flo and it also involved some alcohol. I'm not going to lie: I don't know much about the United Kingdom, its government, or its constitution. I knew there was a Magna Carta. That was pretty much it. So instead I was bastardizing all kinds of things from my world. The basis was the United States constitution, because that's what I knew the most about. That and honestly, it covered most everything it needed to. I made sure to include a disclaimer at the top that mentioned it covered all sentient races.

I was writing at a pretty good clip when my door flew open. I finished my sentence and looked up to see Gilda. "The engagement's broken, your dad's in jail, you own his estate. Stay or leave, but if you stay stop being a bitch." I looked back down and continued writing.

She reached across the desk, grabbed me by the shirt, and pulled me up. "What did you say?"

"Cadance came through for us. The king canceled the engagement. When he came here to tell me the news your dad tried attacking me. The king said he is removing your dad's titles now and that you would be given his estate. You are free to stay in my house if you want, but I'm kicking your ass to the curb if you don't stop your shit. Now put me down."

She didn't put me down. Instead, she pulled me into a very tight hug. "I hope you taught that bastard a lesson!" I found myself thrown onto her back. "I know just the way to celebrate, too!"

"Well, I can take a break…"

In the morning, I had the draft finished and waiting for the king's approval. He might not have liked every part of it, but I was ready to debate it all. I also had a list of detailed instructions for how the first parliament should be chosen until the people got used to the idea of voting. And the most important piece of information I had was a draft for a peace treaty with the changelings. I was going to give that to him and see what he thought. I wouldn't try to force him to do anything with it, though.

I was leaning back in my chair with a small smile on my face and glazed eyes when Doppel walked in. "Breakfast is ready… master."

I blinked. "What did you call me?" I noticed she was back in the maid outfit. "And why are you wearing that?"

She looked away. "I did some thinking. I've been working as a spy for the queen all of my life, usually spying on various high ranking officials. I've seen how they treat their servants. You are better than the vast majority of them by a very large margin. And… so far you've treated me better than Chrysalis would have even considered. I think I like working for you better, and since I have no real choice on the matter I've decided to give it a go."

"That doesn't require you to call me master or wear that outfit." She shrugged. "I can't talk you out of this, can I?"

"Nope. You made the mistake of being nice. I'm yours, now."

Sometimes I hate myself. I just sighed and said, "Whatever. You said breakfast is done. What about you? Have you been able to go into town to eat?"

"See? That's what I'm talking about. Chrysalis wouldn't care, she would just assume that I was keeping up with myself. No, I haven't been, but I'm also not hungry. I don't know why."

"Well that simply won't do. You need to eat, even if you're not hungry." I stood up and walked over. "If you refuse to take it fresh, you can have some memories. Lord knows I have enough by now."

"Are you trying to make me fat? I told you that I'm not hungry."

"You are still a biological creature and you need some manner of food. Now come on, take some memories or something." I knelt down.

She thought for a moment. "I'll eat if you eat. Taya told me about how you don't take care of yourself."

"That's different."

"Oh? How is it different?"

"Because I don't actually need to eat all that often. You just don't feel hungry. I eat when I think I need to."

She shrugged. "That's the deal, Na—Master. I'll eat if you eat."

I sighed. "Fine. You better know how to cook, though. If you made some kind of swill the deal's off."

Her horn lit up and nothing happened. I pulled my ring off and felt a tug at my mind. I drew up a memory of the night before and let her have it. "So that's why she was walking funny today…" she commented as the light around her horn died. "Hm… I might have to try your lust from the tap one day."

I grinned and stood. "Wouldn't that be me taking advantage of a maid? I thought that was frowned upon."

She turned around and walked back off into the hall, tail lifted high to give me a nice view. "I won't tell anyone if you don't."

_Things are finally starting to look up._

Gilda flew with me to Canterlot. She said she needed to talk to her mom about the estate. I don't really know why she decided to fly with me, given that I'm apparently really slow, but I welcomed the company. It was pretty fun, given she had some insane distance to her vision and kept pointing out things I never noticed or paid attention to.

We got to Canterlot around one or so. "Remember, meet me at the maze at three. We can start from there," I told her.

"Yeah, yeah. Just be there on time; I don't want to be left waiting." She went off to find her mother while I went off to find the king.

It didn't take me long to find him sitting in the garden outside the room I hate. He looked up as I approached. "One thing I miss," he said, "is having any time off. To just sit and relax. Being a king does not give you that luxury. But being an _old _king occasionally demands it anyway. Sit, Navarone. I assume you brought me the documents?"

I passed him the folders. "One constitution, one set of instructions, and one draft of a peace treaty with the changelings. Consider it your second to last gift to your people while you still hold the power to give it."

He set the treaty folder down, but didn't comment. He opened the other two and began to read. He looked up half an hour later to find me leaning against the tree, juggling knives. "Most of the terms here are acceptable. I don't like some of them, but I recognize their importance. Navarone, we spoke of some things in our discussions, but you kept one thing unclear to me: Time. How long did it take you humans to develop that which you are freely giving?"

As soon as he began to talk I put the knives away. "'You humans' is a broad term. You know we aren't unified. The easiest answer is that when I left, no one knew the answer. It also begs the question of who the first republic or whatever was. I don't know the answer to that. If you want to go the easy route and start at what we consider year zero, I can say that it took… Shit, seventeen hundred years for my country to be formed. There were democracies or republics before that, though. Long story short, it took a long damn time and more spilt blood than could fit in an ocean." I shrugged. "There ain't nothing wrong with a monarchy, as long as the king or whatever is a good ruler. Humans… We had some not so good rulers. A good number of them died of unnatural causes."

He looked away to some flowers that were in bloom. "Do you think we would have ever evolved to what you have naturally?"

"Not while Celestia was alive. Take from that statement what you want."

He looked back down to the folders in front of him and picked up the treaty folder. "What do you expect from me, Nav? The lion within me demands bloodshed and slaughter of the parasites. The eagle within me relishes the thought of hunting down such weak prey. But the king in me desires peace. I know it would probably be an unpopular choice, but… I am not going to lie: I do not like changelings. At all. But what you said the first day we met was true. They are very useful in a fight. They are just as useful when fighting against you as they are fighting for you, as long as they are led well."

"Think about it," I said. "And don't just think about it from the perspective of a griffin. Think about it as though you were Celestia. What seems like a very good way to keep two species that border your country that use ponies as natural prey under control? Keep them at war with each other, or at the very least keep them to the point where they know as soon as they declare war on the ponies the other power will attack them when they're weak. If you are constantly in a state of contention with the changelings, you will forever be weak against your neighbors to the south. The same goes for the changelings."

"…You're right. By my feathers are you ever right." He closed his eyes, muttering several things very quickly. "She must think me a fool! And I was, for so long… But now I see her game. So many minor incidents, all leading up to the kidnapping of Hestra…" He looked over to me. "She used you. Used me. That dark sister of hers knew exactly what she was doing and they both knew exactly what your punishment would be!" He grabbed all three of the folders and stood. "But these will damage their filthy plans, whatever they might be. I see the pieces being moved, but I do not know to what end. Be careful, Navarone. In the game of thrones, pawns are only useful as long as they are in a good position. And when their use ends… Well, sometimes sacrifices must be made. Now, I need to get back to my rooms and prepare to leave. I have a feeling we will see each other again, my friend." He spread his wings and shot into the sky.

"Flo, what just happened?"

She took a few seconds to respond. "One of two things. First, he just cracked. Second, he just realized Celestia has a plot going on involving the griffins, the changelings, and you."

I rolled my shoulders, turning to go back into the palace. "I wouldn't say either of those was impossible." I started looking for Cadance. A few questions and mindless flirts later, I found her playing with her kid. "Want to help me prank Celestia?" I asked.

"What kind of prank?" She was understandably a little nervous; pranking the princess didn't always end well.

"It's a safe one. It shouldn't do much more than annoy her."

She looked down at the wee one and bit her lip. "Can it wait a few minutes?"

I looked over at the clock on the wall. "I'm not planning on starting it for another hour. When you're ready, meet me at the maze."

"I'll see you there, then." And now I had the mage I needed. I knew that Celestia would either be in Day Court hearing all manner of problems or she would be closeted away with a diplomat or something. Either way, she wouldn't be able to bother us. I would only have to worry about nosy servants.

I went to the front of the maze and started walking around, looking at the statue garden they had set up out there. One of the statues there struck me as eerily familiar. It was some kind of fuck-ugly amalgamation of monsters, set into some kind of exalted pose. "Why do you look so familiar?" I muttered, walking around it. I reached out and rapped it with my knuckles, finding that for some reason the damn thing was hollow. "Well, whatever the reason is, looks like it's show time." I could see Gilda and Cadance both approaching from different sides. They came on over to me.

"So what's the plan?" Gilda asked.

"Long story short, I want to transfer all of the furniture from her bedroom into one of her sitting rooms and vice versa."

"That's a stupid prank," Gilda answered. "Let's do something bigger."

I held up a hand. "Now, now, there's a reason I want to do that sitting room. Long story short, it's the place where she makes me go every time we want to meet. That place is evil and I want it to suffer. But if you can think of a better idea, I'm listening."

"The basic idea is alright. Boring and simple, but alright. I'm just thinking… _bigger_. That dark princess is asleep right now, right? Move all of the sitting room stuff to Celestia's pad, move all of Darkie's stuff to the sitting room, move all of Celestia' stuff to Darkie's room."

I scratched my beard. "Luna _is _a pretty heavy sleeper…" I looked over to Cadance. "Think you can teleport that much stuff without it being too problematic? I say we clear out the sitting room and put all of its shit into the courtyard, teleport Luna and her room, then teleport Celestia's room, and then put all of the sitting room stuff in Celestia's room."

"I can do that. But why Luna? Wouldn't that just make her even more angry with you?"

"That bitch stabbed me with her horn. I owe her more than this." I pulled out my key and passed it to her. "If you find a locked door, use that. You go wait near Luna's room. I'll send Gilda your way when we get the sitting room cleared. You teleport in as soon as you get Luna and her stuff our way. We can situate that room so it looks exactly like hers, then Gilda and I can fly to Luna's room and you teleport the stuff to us so we can start arranging it. We'll meet back in Celestia's room when all of the sitting room stuff is there. Questions?"

Gilda asked, "What do we do if we get caught?"

"Depends on who catches us. If it's a day guard, tell them we're helping Cadance. If it's a night guard, tell them you're helping me. If it's a female servant, hope to God I can seduce or bribe her. If it's a guy, hope we can bribe him. If it's a princess we're boned. Ready?" They shrugged. "Let's go, then."

A few minutes later, Gilda and I had the sitting room cleared out. It wasn't exactly an easy task, but it was a fun one. I was about to poke my head out the window to tell Gilda to go tell Cadance to start with Luna when the door opened and a maid walked right in. She looked around, blinking, before her eyes settled on me.

"Hi," I said, quickly turning around and leaning against the window.

"Sir Navarone… why is this room empty? I was supposed to clean it today."

I shrugged. "Well, I guess your job got a lot easier."

She looked behind me. "Why is some of the furniture out in the garden?"

I looked behind me. "Huh." I turned back. "You know, I don't know. I didn't even notice. I'm sure it's there for a good reason, though. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it."

"Sir Navarone, are you… doing something you shouldn't be?"

I gave her my most winning grin. "What do I have to do to get you to not say anything?"

She eyed my hands and gave me a smile I knew very well. "I've heard a few rumors about you and your… hands."

"I'll prove those rumors true if you promise to stay quiet."

I bet Gilda was very confused when she started hearing that through the open window. A few minutes later I left a satisfied maid to clean up a small mess and joined Gilda in the garden. "Go tell Cadance," I told her, licking my fingers clean. I gave her directions to Luna's room.

"Nav, what were you doing in there?"

I shrugged. "Maid walked in." She eyed my wet fingers and grinned before flying off. A few minutes later I heard stuff start teleporting in. I poked my head inside and saw Luna curling away from the sudden brightness, somehow still sleeping. _Probably should have thought about that one before we teleported her in._ I shrugged and watched the rest of her stuff teleport in. Cadance and Gilda followed all of the crap. As quietly as we all could, we rearranged all her stuff to look like it usually did.

It wasn't nearly as much fun as I was hoping.

Anyway, Cadance took off to Celestia's room and Gilda and I went to Luna's room. We repeated the process there and finally finished it off with the sitting room stuff. Cadance passed the key back as we all got comfortable.

"So what now?" Gilda asked, reclining on one of the couches.

I tilted my head, looking at the couch. "I think we had sex on that once…" Gilda just shrugged. "Now you make up your mind about what you want to do. Go back to Ponyville or go with the griffins. Or something else. I need to go into town. Cadance can go back to torturing her foal."

"I don't torture foals, Nav. I tenderly love them."

Gilda and I shared a look. "What's the difference?" I finally asked.

Cadance snorted. "For your mind, I somewhat doubt there is one." _Ouch_.

"Point for you. I'll see you both later." I hopped out the window and flew off into town. My first stop was the night guard alley barroom. There was only a single sleepy guard inside, but he was able to give me the information I needed.

I flew to the travel agency and realized how fucktarded I was as soon as I got near it. "How did I not notice that giant flying ship?" I asked no one.

Flo decided to answer, "Because you weren't paying attention."

_Can't really deny that…_ I flew up to the deck of the ship and landed. I slipped my ring on in case I ran into the crazy bitch. With that precaution in place, I began searching the ship. I found the chick that had been trying to seduce me all those years ago. "Where's the captain?" I asked.

"Navarone? What are you doing up here?"

"Looking for some information."

"Well, as far as I know he's in his cabin. All the way in the back, on the right. Say… are you doing anything tonight?"

"Sadly, yes. I need to get yelled at by Luna and then I need to go to the Everfree forest. Is the captain alone? I really don't want to walk in on him plowing some mare."

"He should be. Why is the princess yelling at you?"

"Long story. I pissed her off. I might tell you later. Now, though, I need to talk to the captain. I'll see you later, my dear." She smiled at that. I walked on down the hall and knocked on the captain's door.

A gruff "Come in" answered me. I pushed the door open and recoiled at the briny stench inside.

"Holy shit," I whispered as I walked in. The place was just riddled in salt. The captain's eyes were bloodshot and his lips and nose were shriveled. The bloodshot eyes widened when they saw me. "Dude, what the fuck happened?"

"N-Navarone… I…" He looked away. "No pony wants a ship with a bad history."

I crossed my arms. "And even fewer want a captain with a drug problem." He looked down. I sighed and dropped my arms. "I told you not to turn to drugs. It'll make you feel better in the short run, but in the end it'll just make everything worse. Christ…" I ran a hand through my hair. "I was going to offer you a job. A big job. At least a year's charter. I don't know if I can trust you to be reliable now."

His head jerked up at the mention of a job. "I can get clean. I just need a chance! We barely get enough jobs to keep this boat in the air."

I looked around the room. On the one hand, I really needed this guy and his crew. They were the only ones I could trust. But on the other hand, I really didn't want to trust a drug addict to come through for me.

I looked back at him. "Meet me on the surface in half an hour. Directly under this boat. Bring all the salt you have."

He looked around, licking his lips with a dry tongue. "Alright," he finally said. "Half an hour." I nodded and left his room.

I just sighed as I walked back out. I saw the crazy one on the deck, looking off the side. I walked to the side she wasn't on and jumped off before she could yell at me or whatever. It wasn't until I was halfway to the ground that I remembered I was wearing my ring.

Let me tell you, that was a very frantic two seconds.

I hit the ground hard, just barely bringing my wings up in time to slow my descent. Thankfully, I hit legs first. Not so thankfully, it still felt like I broke something. I limped to the nearest bench and sat down, ignoring all the looks I got from the ponies in the street. Flo was chastising me the entire way, even though I'm pretty sure she already knew just how much good it would do.

Twenty-five minutes of pain later, a rope ladder was thrown down the side of the ship and the unicorn descended, carrying a large canvas sack on his back. I had no idea why he didn't teleport. When he got down he quickly walked over to me, dropping the bag in front of me.

"I don't suppose you could heal me?" I asked.

"What did you do?"

"Landed badly. Fucked my leg up. I don't think it's broken, but I know it hurts."

His horn lit up and sparks flew out. He grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his horn to my leg. It took about half a minute, but he finally managed to get something through and I felt the pain subside. He collapsed on the bench next to me, panting.

"You healed me once before," I said. "What happened between then and now?"

"I'm heavily dehydrated, my head is killing me, and I haven't practiced healing magic in months."

"Whatever." I stood up and grabbed the bag of salt, slinging it over a shoulder. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" he asked, sitting up and pushing himself off the bench.

"A small restaurant I passed on the way here. We're going to find out if they're any good." Thankfully, he shut up and just followed me. It didn't take us long to get there. It wasn't quite dinner and it was well past lunch, so we were quickly seated.

I barely spared the menu a glance. He didn't seem that interested either. He spent most of his time looking at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention. With our orders and menus taken, I leaned back. "In a little less than a year I want your ship. Right at the start of spring, to be exact."

"Do you have any destination in mind?"

I paused as the waitress refilled his cup of water for the fourth time. When she was out of earshot I answered, "Several. All around the world. That would include the arctic and possibly Antarctic. It would also include the continent to the south of this one, where I've heard almost no one has ever successfully visited."

He looked down at the table. "That's a pretty hefty destination list…" He looked back up. "Why?"

I shook my head. "I won't answer that until we're underway. Until then you'll have to be content with the reasoning that I'm paying you, and that I'm paying you a lot."

I heard him drumming his back hooves on the floor. "It's risky, Nav. You're asking us to go to places our boat wasn't really designed to go."

"Can you do it?"

"…It'll cost you. In advance. We have to modify the entire ship if we're going to go into the icy gales of the arctic."

"Give me numbers."

He closed his eyes, moving his head to face the ceiling. I could see his lips barely moving. After a minute he said, "At least seven thousand bits. That should cover everything, including your year."

"How much would it cost to make sure neither of the princesses ever hear about this?"

"Nothing but you asking. We owe you that much."

I nodded. "I'll have the bits to you before the week is out. Just note, though: I won't be the only passenger. We'll have at least one filly joining us. We might also have a dragon, a griffin, a naga, and a cat, but none of those are certain yet. Knowing my luck, I wouldn't be surprised if there were others."

He shrugged. "We have rooms aplenty. Keep it under twenty and we'll be fine. Although… how big is the dragon? Our cabins aren't that large…"

That _could _be a problem… "She can sleep in the cargo hold, can't she?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. It might be a little bit tight with all the supplies and ballast we'll be carrying, but I imagine she can make it homey. Getting in and out of it might be a problem, though."

"We'll figure something out. As long as the boat is ready to go come spring, I'll be happy. And I'll be coming by periodically to make sure you stay clean. You may be getting an advance pay, but if you fuck me over by either letting the princesses get wind of this or by picking up another bad habit, I'll make you pay somehow. Now, let's eat."

When I was finished with the unicorn, I grabbed his bag of salt and dropped it off at the night guard bar. Supposedly, most of them don't use that stuff, but I figured it could save the barkeeper some money.

And then I finally got to return to the palace. I went straight to the library and read until it was around the time for Luna to wake up. How did I know what time she was waking up?

I think half the palace heard her scream of rage. It did not take me very long to decide to continue reading in silence for a few hours.

When I deemed it safe—or at least, as safe as I thought it was going to be—I went to the throne room. I peeked my head in and saw her glaring at the wall with a face like she had eaten a lemon. I said a quick prayer, made sure my ring was on, and let the rest of myself inside.

Her glare at the wall was transferred to me. "_Yoooooou_!" she hissed. It sounded like a curse. She jumped down from her throne, stalking toward me. "_Yoooooooooooou_!" She stopped right in front of me, just staring at me with eyes full of hate.

I grinned and booped her on the nose. She tried to slap me across the face but by now I was pretty good at dodging those. "Jeez, what crawled up your ass and died?"

In hindsight, that might not have been the smartest thing to have said. I wasn't in any kind of mood to try and fight Luna, but that seemed to have pissed her off enough that she stopped listening to my attempts to reason with her.

So it was that the majority of the guards that night saw me running away from a raving moon princess as quickly as my human legs would take me. She was, on average, faster than I was, but I was leading the chase so I was able to stay ahead through dexterity, dodging down halls, and occasionally bursting through open windows.

It finally ended when I misjudged the distance between me and a window and got plowed in the side just as I was trying to jump through. I ended up being held down by a panting, pissed pony princess precariously poised on the precipice—dammit, not again! I got held down by an angry Luna.

I mentally prepared myself for the beating of a lifetime until I realized she was giggling. "It's been too long since I had that much fun," she sighed, collapsing on top of me and pushing me all the way to the floor. "Don't think you're off the hook. But that _was _fun." She reached a hoof up and slammed it into my stomach. "_That _is for going to Chrysalis instead of me." She pulled another hoof back and slammed it into the floor where my torso had been a second earlier. She corrected her stance and held me down harder before punching me again. "And that is for disappearing for a week without telling anypony." She slammed another fist into me. "That is for asking Cadance for help."

"I didn't! She said she was going to!"

"Then it's for not telling her to stop helping." She punched me one more time, this time in the chest, the exact spot where she stabbed me. "And that is for making me wake up in that horrid sitting room."

As I'm sure you can imagine, I was in a lot of fucking pain at that point. I wasn't in enough pain to not be pissed, though. "You deserve nothing better, after those dreams. Don't even try to pretend that was an accident."

She lifted another hoof to strike me but brought it down to the floor with a crunch. "I can't try to justify it," she weakly whispered. "No pony deserved that." She sighed and pulled herself off me. I lifted a hand to rub at my chest. "Things have changed so much," she whispered, looking away from me. "You take things for granted, Nav. Things I consider normal are now taboo. Things I considered forbidden are everyday. It will take years for me to figure out all of the smaller nuances I'm missing." She finally looked to me. "When I think I'm ready, you said you would give me another chance. Are you still willing to give me that?"

"As of now, no. There are no words and no redemption for what you did. While the ponies that experienced it still live I don't know if I can ever forgive you."

"I suppose I can expect nothing better…" She was silent for a short moment before saying, "In the winter, I am restarting an old tradition. Celestia has her Gala. Europe has its party. I… used to have something like that. But I went down the path of being ignored a long time ago. Now that I find myself in a world where the young prefer the night and... different kinds of parties, I decided I would change the theme of my party. You are invited to the… ugh, Rambunctiously Radical Rave. Attending that is one option for your punishment. The other is you taking a squire."

I hate being a knight. "Party it is, then. Send me details or something when it's time." I felt my wings sag. "I'm tired of fucking parties…"

"Welcome to the life of luxury. However, unlike some of us, _I _have duties." She sighed. "Navarone, know that while I _am _angry with you, you are still my knight. If you ever get into an emergency like what happened with Twilight, please come to me. You don't know how insulting and damaging it is that my knight went to another nation's ruler for aid when he hit hard times." Actually, I do. That's exactly why I did it. "I wish I could at least visit the house you obtained, but I am still trapped in this city." She paused, hoping I would say something. I didn't. She sighed and continued, "One day, you will need to get a squire. But I suppose you can push it off for now. When you do… How about Spike? I know a pony would look better for my reputation, but I would love to have a dragon as a knight again. The last one was killed when… Well, never mind about that."

"I am not looking for a squire right now. I don't think I could train a pony anyway. I don't fight like one." Besides, I would probably take Pip anyway. I don't want Spike to get tied to the ponies like me. I stood, finally getting off the floor. My front body hurt, and I decided that the next time she wanted to try to do that I would fight back. "I need to get back to the forest. Back to work with you." After all, I can just imagine the line of ponies waiting to talk to her.

She seemed to be thinking the same thing, the way her face seemed to fall. "I'll see you later, Nav. I… I don't suppose you can come and visit more often? You know I get lonely and I'm sure you do as well."

With Flo in my head I really don't. "I'll think about it. I've been doing stuff for friends recently, though." Ah, the casual implication that I didn't consider her a friend. I know it had to feel good. "Have fun, Luna." I pulled my ring off and hopped out the window that thwarted me before, flying away and back to the forest.


	69. Chapter Sixty-Seven

Chapter Sixty-Seven

Midday the following day saw me getting my ass kicked by the naga again. We had been going at it for hours and I was blindingly hungry for some reason and I was slowly getting really tired.

As I sit and write this, I believe I have figured out more of my physiology. The main reason I avoided needing to eat so much is because I didn't really do much of anything. Go on walks, occasionally fly around, read, and write. Now that I was forced to work out, my body was using considerably more energy, more than I could get from the sun with just the hair on the top of my head.

So when Applejack and Pinkie showed up and asked if I was down for a picnic I jumped on the opportunity. They forced me to bring Doppel and Taya and would have tried forcing me to bring the naga if he would have let them. Gilda went home with the assurance that she would probably be back as soon as she got her land sold and her mother taken care of.

The four of us went to a nice patch of land between the town and my pad and joined a small picnic that was already mostly set up. Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash were already there. "What took you so long?" Dash asked, lifting up her sunglasses to peer at us.

"Nav here had to get cleaned up," Applejack answered.

Rarity nodded approvingly and replied, "At least _some _of us understand the necessities of cleanliness." She cast a disapproving glance at Rainbow Dash. "You could learn a lesson from our good friend Nav."

Dash scoffed. "Clean up just to get dirty at a picnic? Why waste the time?"

"Normally, I agree with Dash," I commented, joining them on their checker blanket. Doppel awkwardly hung back, probably not feeling like she belonged. Taya sat next to me. "But I didn't want to get blood or a ton of sweat over anything."

Normally that would be an invitation to a ton of questions, but a very frazzled looking Twilight and a normal looking Cadance joined our group. You can always tell when Twilight's having one of her little breakdowns because her hair starts to get very messy and her eyes take on the look like she's going to cut you if you open your mouth. Because of this, I was extremely well-versed in her monthly heat cycle, and today was not supposed to be one of those days she was like this.

"Jesus, what the hell happened?" I asked her.

She flinched when I spoke. "I think the library might be haunted…" she whispered, looking down.

Most of the ponies rolled their eyes at that and Cadance said, "I tried telling her that ghosts aren't real, but…"

"Actually, ghosts _are _real," I said. "I've met one. He said he was going to the griffin kingdom, though, so this probably isn't him. I don't have any crosses, but I can probably dig up the Lord's Prayer from my memories if you want me to go perform an exorcism."

They all looked at me like I was stupid before turning back to Twilight. Rarity said, "What's wrong, dear?"

"Books keep changing order! Every time I turn my back on my quills they move. Owlicious keeps hitting weird pockets of air and falling off course… It's just been a really weird few days." She sighed, pulling herself together. "But this is supposed to be a fun day. Spike should be here soon with some more food."

"Well that's good!" Pinkie said. "Cupcakes are great but they'll only last us so long. Especially with the way Nav's been eyeing them." Pinkie gave me one of her signature fake scary looks that basically amounted to 'touch my cupcakes if you dare.'

Cadance smiled at that. "I didn't think you even had a sweet tooth, Nav."

I shrugged. "I've been exercising more lately and it is increasing my need for food more than I thought possible."

When I mentioned exercising Dash looked up. "You're _finally _trying to get in shape? Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm trying to get in shape, not kill myself."

"Well shoot," AJ said. "You shoulda come to me! We got all kinds of work on the farm that you could do to help you get back in a good shape." She poked me in the side. "A shape other than a line."

I raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with my shape? I thought you country folk were supposed to like line dancing."

That got Pinkie to perk up. "Oooh, a new dance?" Everyone averted their gaze, not wanting to be volunteered by Pinkie for a dance. I hope Doppel was smart enough to not be looking at her.

We were saved by the timely arrival of Spike with food. Cadance's horn lit up and grabbed the overly large basket from his hands, not that he needed the help. I felt a weight settle on my head as the basket floated to the center of the group. I poked the thing on the top of my head and found that it was a small bug pony.

"Hey Rarity, what do you think of my new fashion accessory?" I asked.

She lifted an eyebrow at Doppel. "It could do with a bit of sprucing up. Black is out this season, darling." I heard something shift on my head and fought the urge to look up. Rarity smirked and I saw smiles from some of the other ponies. "Pink is more in style, I suppose." I didn't want to know.

Rainbow didn't pay much attention to me or my hat. She was looking at the two baskets of food. "So what's on the menu?"

Spike shrugged. "I didn't go all out. A few sandwiches. Some potato salad. Something else for me and Nav." Dash's ears sunk at hearing that, but it didn't stop her from opening the basket and pulling out a sandwich.

"Something for us?" I asked. "You been doing something I told you not to?"

"Nah, I haven't been in the forest." He grabbed the basket Rainbow didn't touch and pulled it toward himself. "Gilda has, though." He sat next to me and pulled out a steak. _This can't end well_… He held it above his head and shot some fire at it before trying to hand it to me.

I gave him my best 'what the fuck' look. "Really Spike?" I whispered. He blinked, confused. My wings sagged before I shrugged, pulled a knife out, and let him impale the steak. I really don't like eating meat in front of pony friends, but the cat was pretty much out of the bag on this one.

None of them commented as we ate, though we both got more than a few looks.

"So what's with that naga, anyway?" Rainbow finally asked me. The ponies had been talking amongst themselves, bickering and bantering as only friends can. Dash finally decided to join my small group. "He looks cool and all, but why's he here?"

"He's teaching me how to use a sword. I have no idea how to fight and given my line of work I figured it was high time to learn."

"I bet you're giving him a nice what-for, huh?"

I shook my head, smiling. "Other way around. He's the reason I had to go to the dentist." She shivered when I mentioned that. "I told you it wouldn't end well."

Rainbow sighed. "Four hours, Nav! Four hours in the dentist's chair as she poked and prodded my teeth. That mare ain't right in the head."

I patted her on the head, earning myself a baleful glare. "I had the same luck, Dash."

"Who are you two talking about?" Spike asked.

"Colgate," we both answered. I said, "She mentioned wanting to play with your teeth, Spike. Avoid her as much as you can."

"Hmmm… That sounds like it could be fun," he said.

"Dude, don't," Dash said. "Nav and I both struck out with her. She's crazy."

He blinked a few times. "I'm talking about getting my teeth cleaned. My normal brushes get torn to shreds. What were you two talking about?"

Dash and I looked at each other before smirking. It was hard to talk and not laugh, but I managed to say, "Nothing, bro. Have fun with that."

"Yeah. I'm sure you'll have good time. Maybe if you're lucky she'll give you a happy ending!"

"A lollipop would be nice…" he commented. "I may not be a kid anymore, but that doesn't mean the simple things in life aren't fun."

_He may not be a kid, but that doesn't mean he's grown up._

"So where's Gilda, anyway?" Rainbow asked. "She didn't come by today."

"She left for home in a hurry yesterday. Something family related came up. She said she might be back soon."

She shrugged and was about to say something else when AJ interrupted our small gather. "Hey Rainbow, you up for frisbee?" We looked over and saw her somehow whirling one around her hooves.

"Sure." She hopped up and flew over. The last thing I heard from her was something about "making it a competition."

Spike turned to me. "Nav, you gotta come back to the library. Twilight's going nuts."

"Dude, I have a house now. Why would I go back to the relatively cramped library?"

"Somepony needs to calm her down and everything that used to work isn't. Ever since you left it's getting disorganized. The funny thing is that I don't remember you even doing that much. I don't think it's a ghost, but whatever it is it's running Twilight ragged."

An uncomfortable thought came to mind. "Are you sure it isn't just a call for attention? She really wanted me to come back. Maybe she thinks she can convince me to go to the library if she acts out."

He shook his head. "We both know Twilight isn't like that. If I didn't know any better, I would say Rainbow Dash or Pinkie was pranking us."

"Either way, I'm not coming back." I shrugged. "If she drives you too far up the wall you're welcome to stay with me for as long as you want."

He grimaced. "I think we both know how that would end. If you think she's frantic now, wait until you see how she gets when she thinks everypony is abandoning her."

"…Has that happened before?"

He sighed. "We don't talk about those days, Nav. Now come on, let's go join them at frisbee." He hopped up but I didn't move.

"Nah, man. My bones hurt from all the exercise I've gotten lately. Relaxing sounds much better right now."

"Psh, whatever. What about your hat? Or is she asleep?"

I shrugged. "Doppel?" No answer. "I guess she's out." He shrugged and ran off to go join the girls. "You're welcome to go too, Taya." She didn't grace that with a response. I didn't figure she would, sadly.

I also wasn't expecting Fluttershy to plop down where Spike was, though she sat much closer. She eyed the picnic basket Spike pulled the meat out of. "Nav…"

"I'll talk to him," I answered. "I expected him to be smarter than that." It was considered seriously poor form to eat meat in front of ponies when you were in an Equestrian social setting. Political functions, sure. At a picnic with pony friends? No.

She nodded and slowly closed the basket. I don't think there was any meat inside, but I think ponies have more sensitive noses than I do. If not more sensitive, than different; she might have been able to smell it.

I rolled my shoulders and said, "I figured you'd be with the others. Weren't you complaining about how you felt left out?"

She looked toward the group playing with a frisbee consisting of Dash, AJ, Pinkie, and Spike. Rarity and Twilight were watching. "I'm not very athletic… And Twilight and Rarity are watching more than they're talking."

"Sometimes it's just nice to sit and be with them," I commented. "If it's been a while you should do that."

"And leave you and Taya alone?" She darted a quick look to Doppel. "Well, sort of alone. You're just as welcome to join them as I am, but you're still here."

"Taya is too young to watch them play that game; they get too violent for her innocent eyes." That earned me a 'hmph' and a baleful glare from an annoyed daughter. "Hey, where's Cadance?"

I heard Cadance answer, "Right behind you." She didn't stay there for long, opting instead to be in front of me. "Is that normal for her?" she asked, looking at the top of my head.

"It isn't the first time she's done it, no. I suppose it's warm, or something. I have to admit, I'm surprised to see you out here again so soon."

"Well, when you forced me to visit Twilight yesterday she invited me to a picnic with all of her friends. It has been a while since I just took some time off, so here I am."

_Took some time off? That implies you have a job_. "Having fun?" I asked.

"Some. It's nice seeing you interacting with friends." She plopped down in front of us. "Since I usually bump into you in Canterlot it's easy to forget you have a normal life."

I put one hand on Fluttershy's back and the other on Taya's. "Aye, I'm surrounded by them. It's a good way to keep warm in winter, as fluffy as they are. As for a normal life… It's nice to pretend."

Cadance rolled her eyes. "You know, the biggest component for a normal life is love."

"Yeah, and look where that got me. Stabbed in the chest and treated like trash. I'll take a nice little break from that, thank you."

Fluttershy whispered, "Romantic love isn't the only love."

I scratched Taya's back. "I know. I have Taya here to remind me."

Cadance grinned, perhaps using her innate love powers to sense weakness. "Friendship is only possible because of love, Nav."

"You don't say." I had been over this love shit with her before. This was a new tactic, though.

"In fact…" She looked at the arm connecting me to Fluttershy. "All those talks about how you couldn't love… I dare say you've been in love since you got here."

"…Cadance, have you been smoking crack?"

She blinked a few times and was presumably about to reply when Doppel butted her way in. "She's right you know," her squeaky tiny voice said. "It all tastes the same."

"New rule: If you're using me as a bed you aren't allowed to help people that are trying to torture me." I heard tiny wings flutter to life and she flew over to Fluttershy's mane, settling amongst her pink tresses. "Okay, another new rule: If you live in my house and feed off me you aren't allowed to help people that are trying to torture me." She sighed but didn't rejoin me, preferring instead to crawl deeper into the caves of Fluttershy's hair.

Cadance was grinning at me. "I think the princess of love and a changeling know what they're talking about when it comes to love, Nav."

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're smoking crack. Fluttershy and Taya, pay no attention to Cadance. She's a drug addict."

"Daddy, don't make me hug you."

I turned to Fluttershy. "Do you see the abuse I get? You wouldn't treat me this badly, would you?"

Taya hopped up. "That's it." Before she could hug tackle me, I got blindsided by Fluttershy, who dragged me down. Doppel tumbled out of her hair and landed on my face. Taya joined Fluttershy in the assault.

Cadance walked over to where I could see her from my position on the ground. "See that, Nav? The true love of friendship."

I sighed. "If I asked you to kill me, would you grant me that mercy?"

She grinned and called out, "PONY PILE ON NAV!" before joining the group hugging me.

As I heard Pinkie and Applejack galloping my way, one thought flashed through my mind: _I hate everything._

As I was building a giant crossbow late that night, I got one of the worst messages I could have gotten. It was delivered by an exhausted Scootaloo.

"Sweetie Belle… Applebloom… Everfree… Timber wolves!"

_That certainly didn't sound good_. "Where?" I grabbed the sword from where I had it resting against the wall—I live against the Everfree forest, forgive me for being cautious.

She waved a hoof at the forest. "Look for the fire." She took a few deep breaths. "I told Applejack and Rarity first."

I sighed. "Stay here." With that, I leapt into the air, quickly rising and flying over toward Applejack's farm. I had no idea what was going on, but if it involved Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, timber wolves, and the Everfree it couldn't have been good.

As I slowly soared over the Everfree, wishing I had better wings, I did my best to think of what reason the girls could even have to be in that hellish place. Visiting Zecora was my first thought, but they had no reason to see her this late at night.

Not two minutes into my search I saw a beam of light shoot into the sky off to my right. I angled that way, knowing it was a unicorn in distress. When I got to the area I saw the beacon, I quickly spotted a torch between some of the sparser leaves. I knew there was no easy way for me to land in the swampy mess, getting through all the leaves and branches, so I settled for landing the hard way.

Unfortunately, that involved closing my wings and falling through trees that actually did want to hurt me; trees in the Everfree are fucking violent sometimes. Also unfortunately, I wasn't wearing a shirt because building shit in summer gets hot as hell, even at night.

So when I crashed into the small, muddy clearing right between a group of terrified and angry ponies and some circling timber wolves, it was with a very bloody appearance. I managed to slow my fall by shooting my wings out right as I cleared the trees, but it still hurt.

I drew my sword and backed up closer to Rarity, who was wielding a burning bush with murder in her eyes, and Applejack, who was whirling a lasso above her head with a very similar expression on her face. The two girls huddled under their sisters. Their backs were to a low wall

"Hold, wolves!" I called out. "Surely we can negotiate this."

Flo whispered, "I don't think that will work here, Nav."

The wolves didn't look like they wanted to talk, that's for sure. They were snapping and snarling like mad, kept away only by Rarity's fire. One of them got close enough to snarl, "We want the orange one and her youngling. The others may leave with you, two legs." I should note that these wolves were about the size of the ponies. There were five of them. I don't think it was the same group that I ran into before, but they could be.

I shook my head. "Not happening."

The leader threw himself at me with no warning at all. One leapt at Rarity and another went after AJ. I couldn't see what the other two did, given that I was preoccupied with trying to not get my throat torn out by a massive monstrosity of wood.

I knew I couldn't give any ground because I was right next to the girls. With that in my head, I for some reason thought it would be a good idea to grab my sword with both hands and try to slice into his face.

It was a good idea in that it killed the wolf. If was a bad idea in that it left my sword stuck in his face as his dead body collided with mine, throwing me into the small wall the girls had been backed against. As I'm sure you can imagine, a wolf made of sticks hurts like hell when it rams into your body.

Thankfully for me, whatever magic was holding him together dissipated a few seconds later, collapsing him into individual sticks and leaves. My sword was still stuck in what comprised his face, but I knew slamming it into another wolf would fix that.

I thanked whoever might have been listening for the pain resistance that let me ignore the sticks that were stuck in my upper body as I returned to the fight. Applejack was using her well-toned body to beat the shit out of one of the wolves and Rarity was doing her best to light one of them on fire. Applejack managed to kill one while I was watching and turned in time to catch the other from flanking her from the side, but Rarity didn't have that leisure.

I put a hand on her back and vaulted over her, trying to kick the wolf coming from her side in the face. That turned out to be the worst idea I had all night, as he caught my foot in his mouth and bit down, tearing through the cloth shoe and into my leg.

And then he started shaking, doing his best to rip my foot off. Not even pain resistance allowed me to ignore that shit. Thankfully, the rest of my body had hit the ground by then, serving the dual purpose of getting me covered in mud and allowing me to reach up with my sword and try to stab him around my own leg. Holding onto me became too much of a problem for him with me trying to poke him, so he let go and backed off.

I sat up, trying to get to some manner of fighting stance so I could at the very least continue guarding Rarity's side. The wolf saw that and snarled, lunging before I could get set up. I reflexively jerked my sword up, spearing the wolf on it and sending the sword and wolf flying into me and then into Rarity.

She skidded a few inches before the wolf fell apart. I ended up with my back to Sweetie Belle, holding a sword that was less than an inch from bisecting my nose. The only sound in the area was deep breathing.

Eventually, Applejack asked, "Is everypony alright?"

I tried saying no, but it just came out garbled. I coughed a few times and tried again, "No." I let the sword fall to the ground and used Rarity to pull myself up. "I'm going to need a crutch." I shook the mud off my sword and slid it up as Applejack walked around to my side of Rarity to get a look at me.

She whistled when she saw the damage framed by the fire of a burning timber wolf. "Looks like you came outta this worse than anypony, Nav. How're you even standing with a foot like that?"

"God graced me with a spare. Zecora's hut is… oh, about a mile or two away from here. It's closer than the edge of the forest. We can stop by there for the night and leave in the morning."

Rarity looked me up and down. "You aren't walking a step like that, Nav."

"I know. That's why I asked for a crutch. Just find me a long stick or something."

Rarity rolled her eyes and knelt down. Sweetie Belle wisely got out of the way. "Hop on, Nav." I gave her a rather dubious look. "Applejack needs to be mobile in case we run into any more of those… creatures. I can use my magic, but as you saw I'm no good up close. With you on my back, you can keep anything that gets close away."

Can't fault the logic… "Hold on, this is going to be awkward." I fucked up my right leg, but she was on my left side. Swinging my left side over her would leave me standing on my right leg for a second, which would end with me on the ground again. With that in mind, I turned away from her and sat down, then rotated and threw my left leg over her head, putting me on her back the right way. "Be careful, now. I don't want to eat mud again tonight."

"After coming to help us like that, I have no intention of letting you fall," she replied as she carefully stood. "Come along, gir—wait, which way is it to Zecora's home?"

I closed my eyes, picturing the forest. After a few seconds, I pointed left. "That way. Try not to make too much noise, all of you." Applejack took point. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle both picked a side of Rarity and stuck to it as we followed AJ.

I heard them muttering in quiet voices about how they really wanted to go home as they cast furtive glances into the woods.

We stopped not a minute later when Sweetie Belle screamed and pointed at something moving in the undergrowth near us. I had my sword out and pointed at it very quickly and Applejack pounced that way just as fast.

She backed away from the area quickly. "It's… a tiny timber wolf," she said, confused.

"A puppy," I said, putting my sword up. "I bet we just killed its pack."

Rarity and Applejack shared a look. Applejack shook her head. Rarity shrugged, pushing me up for a second. With that, Applejack went back to the way she had been going, leaving it there. Rarity turned to follow, but Applebloom and Sweetie Belle stopped us.

"We can't just leave it!" Sweetie cried.

"It ain't hurt nopony!" Applebloom yelled.

Applejack sighed and turned back. "Girls…"

"They're right," I said. "You can't blame the sins of the parent on the child. Zecora will know what to do with it." Letting her kill it will be a kinder death than letting it starve in the wild.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "Fine. You can carry it, then." She went back where she found it. After a small struggle, she came out somehow carrying a very unhappy acting timber wolf in one of her front hooves. She walked over to me and Rarity and held it up. I grabbed its struggling form, wrapping one hand around its front legs and the other around its back legs.

It seemed to recognize me as being not a pony, and just stared at me with its glowing eyes. Rarity started moving again and said, "Do be careful with that thing, Nav. I don't want it biting at my back."

"And I don't want it biting at my anything," I said. "I'll be careful. If it gets too out of hand I'll just save Zecora the trouble.

By the time we got to Zecora's humble hut, all of my wounds but my foot had stopped leaking amber ooze. I still had a few sticks pointing out of my stomach that I didn't pull out because I didn't want to risk fucking my body up too badly without a way to heal it. The pup had done nothing but growl. The pain was starting to get to me, sadly; I was fighting to stay upright, since falling forward would throw the wolf into Rarity's back and falling any other way would end with me on the ground.

Applejack had to bang on Zecora's door for a minute before she finally opened up. It's understandable, given that it was probably around three in the morning. She squinted out the door at us. "Who is that I see? Applejack, why do you disturb me?"

AJ rubbed the back of her neck with a hoof. "Sorry for coming by at such a late hour, but we're in a bit of a pickle here. Do you mind if we stay for the night?"

Zecora peered past Applejack and saw two terrified fillies, a very hurt human, and an unhappy looking Rarity. She probably couldn't see the wolf in my hands past Rarity's head. She fixed her gaze on me. "Ah, human, I see that you are hurt. Come in, come in; all are welcome in my yurt."

Applejack stood aside and let Rarity walk in first. I almost hit my head on the door and remembered to duck at the last moment. The fillies followed us in, with Applejack taking the rear. Zecora swung the door shut behind us. All in all, the little hut was very crowded with all of us in there.

"I do thank you for the hospitality," Rarity said, looking around the stereotypically Voodoo-esque hut. "And we're all terribly sorry for tracking in mud."

"Yeah, sorry about the mess," AJ said, looking down at her very muddy hooves.

"And sorry about the blood," I added. "It should stop soon enough."

Rarity jerked. "You're bleeding, Nav?" She looked back at me in the light of Zecora's hut and gasped. "Why didn't you say you were this badly hurt?"

I blinked a few times. "I thought you saw. The only thing that's hurt bad is my leg, though." I looked over at Zecora. "If you could spare some bandages, that would be awesome."

She was looking at the wolf in my hands. "Were you all attacked by the wolves of wood?" She reached over to a shelf and pulled out a flask, holding it up to me. "Drink from this, if you could."

"And how do you expect me to hold the wolf and the flask at the same time?"

Applejack walked over. "I got it, sugar cube." She gently pulled the wolf away from me.

I grabbed the flask and took a sip. I quickly gagged. "Why can't your herbal stuff ever taste good?"

"Drink it all, you must. In me should you trust."

I sniffed. "It ain't you I don't trust. I don't like the taste, is all." I downed more of it, shivering as I did so. "What's the point of this, anyway?"

"To put you to sleep." I blinked a few times before falling off Rarity. The last thing I heard was, "Now, none of you utter a peep."

I woke up to a pounding head. I groaned as I sat up, rubbing at my eyes. I looked to my right and saw that I was sleeping next to a dirty Rarity. I made a 'huh' noise before looking left and seeing a sleeping Applejack. "What the fuck did I do last night?" I groaned.

"If I had to guess, it was making a mess." I looked over Rarity and saw Zecora holding a docile timber wolf pup and sitting at a table. "You will remember in time, as sure as every sentence of mine must rhyme."

"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you about that." I tried pulling myself up, but I quickly realized it would result in pain. That didn't stop me; I just leaned away from the bad foot. "What's up with the rhymes, anyway?"

She looked away. "It is a curse of mine. Now, would you care to dine?"

I saw that there were a few places set up at her little table. I limped over and took a place. "So why did you knock me out?"

She patted the wolf on its back. "There is poison in their bite. If you were awake, the antidote would give you quite a fright. But there is something in your blood… In a way, it reminded me almost of mud."

"Sap would be closer. I'm relatively immune to poison." Some of the night came back to me, then, and I looked around to room. "Where are the girls?" I asked.

"In my room do they lie. As soon as you were out, they began to cry. I gave them a sleep aid and immediately down they laid."

I grinned. "That one was a stretch." She shrugged. "Any indication of why they were in the forest in the first place?"

She waved a hoof to the two ponies. "They intend to find out. Until then, do you like trout?"

I looked down at the plate in front of me. "What the fu—Yes. I do." How the hell did Zecora get a damn trout? She had even cooked it and had silverware set out. Ivory silverware. "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get all this?"

"There was much travel in my past. There have been many a fishing rod I have learned to cast."

I snorted. "You have a princess's skill in avoiding the question." She just grinned. "Fine, have it your way. I'm not about to complain about free food." I dug into the fish with the fork and knife she had laid out. When there was nothing left of the fish but eyes and bones, I said, "Thanks for the fish, lass. You ever think of traveling again?"

"A cure I need for this curse of mine, so often for the road do I pine. Of all the ingredients I need, I lack but a single seed. Far to the south it lies, but the plant only blooms if somepony near dies. The sacrifice needed is too large, or I would be on the first barge."

I scratched at the growth on my face. "Far to the south, you say? You talking Antarctica far, or South America far?"

"Navarone," Flo whispered in a warning tone, "what are you doing?"

"Those names I do not know, but it is on the land mass below."

"I'm leaving Equestria in a year. When I go, I'll be heading to the continent under us within a month or two. I can't promise to kill someone for you, but you're welcome to join us. Who knows, maybe you can figure out a loophole?" And it would give our group a seasoned traveler, which would probably be needed.

"I will think on this. There are many here I would miss. Tell me, why are you going? Last I saw your lover's face was glowing."

I grimaced. "Time changes all men. And ponies, I guess. It's a long tale to tell and from the stirring I hear behind me I don't have much time to tell it."

She nodded. "I too know much of long tales. We can share as our ship sails."

I heard Applejack muttering and turned around just in time to get a face full of ass as she stretched. Now, I try not to abuse the fact that none of the ponies wear pants or anything, but when it just gets thrown in my face it's impossible to not notice. And since AJ works out so much, her flank is very well… toned. I hate to say stuff like this because it means I'm starting to find ponies attractive, and that means it's probably too late for me, but God can strike me down if it's not true.

…Man, I just had a terrible coughing fit.

She didn't seem that bothered when she turned around and saw me looking. "I can't believe you woke up before me, Nav," she said. "I'm a pretty earlier riser." I took a moment to appreciate her look without her hair tied up and with no hat on; she really looked completely different.

I ruffled my feathers. "And I don't usually sleep at all. Whatever she gave me probably doesn't work as well on me because my blood is sludge."

"That is all too true," Zecora confirmed. "It barely worked on you."

Applejack joined us at the table. "Well, whatever. Whenever sleeping beauty over there wakes up we can get the girls and get out of your hair." She eyed the wolf in Zecora's grasp. "Do you think you can take care of it for us?"

"This task I'm afraid I cannot do. It is something I would come to rue. The spirit of the wolf needs something it knows." She eyed me up and down. "Your spirit is the same, through its highs and lows. The blood of the survivor is in your veins; you should be the one to take his reins."

I looked over at Applejack. "Translate that, please. My head is still fuzzy."

"She says the wolf is yours now."

"Tell her I said fuck that."

Applejack gave me a look like I was stupid. "She can understand _you_, Nav." I gave her a blank stare and just pointed at Zecora. AJ rolled her eyes and turned to her and said, "He's not interested."

"If he has no guidance, he will surely die. In this you can be guaranteed I do not lie."

I shrugged. "Ain't no skin off my back. Those timber wolves, they lost a lot of points with me last night when one of them tried to tear off my foot."

Applejack gave me a flat stare. "If I remember correctly, you were trying to kick him in the face."

"Only because he was trying to tear a chunk out of Rarity." I ran a hand through my hair, looking back over at Zecora and the pup. An idea struck me. "How about this: I hold onto the little pest for now, until I can find a pack of wolves to pawn him off on. I give him to them in exchange for information. Do you think that will work?"

"I do not think this plan of yours will work," Zecora said, shaking her head. "It would be quicker to stab him with your dirk. Unless he is smarter than I think, the other packs cannot form a link. With such a great lack, he can't join a pack."

I rubbed my temple, trying to make sense of what she said. "So you're saying each pack of timber wolves has a mental link, and this little fucker is retarded so he can't form new links? Then why can I take care of him but another pack can't?"

"He has the mind of nothing but a pet, though admittedly smarter than any I've met. A pack would kill him for he is too dim. But a long-lived life with you is better than death or a zoo."

I sighed. "Fine, I'll take the fucking wolf. The minute he so much as snaps at Taya will be the minute I stab him in the throat. What do these things eat?"

"What do wolves in your world eat? His diet is full of meat. Normal dog food is a second best, but you must give it a meaty zest." She gave me a few more instructions for taking care of a wolf made of wood. I don't feel like remembering the rhymes and I don't feel like paraphrasing since I made her write a list and then made Applejack write it in English.

By the time Zecora ran out of things to say in her shitty English equivalent, Rarity woke up. I got another view of pony ass as she stretched right in my face. Either she knew I was looking or she was just being careful, because she shot her tail out and smacked me in the face with it. Normally that wouldn't hurt, but this time it was covered in dried mud and a few sticks poking out of it. I turned back to see a smirking pony and zebra. I mouthed, "Worth it," to them. Applejack rolled her eyes.

"Terribly sorry for sleeping in," Rarity said, taking the last spot at the small table. "Are you feeling alright, Navarone?"

"Better than I was last night." And I'm sure I looked better, with all of the sticks out of me and bandages over everything. "Our host was polite enough to bandage me up. I have to say, I'm having a better time here than I did last time." I gave a pointed look at Applejack, who met it with a blush.

"C'mon, Nav. We don't need to be talking about that, now…"

Rarity grinned, sensing juicy gossip. "Oh? Why, what ever did I miss, dearest Applejack?"

Applejack's ears lowered and she very quickly said, "Imma go check on the girls."

She scurried away from the table, leaving at least two grins behind. "She really should let her hair down more," I said when she was in the other room. "It looks much better."

"I've _tried _telling her that," Rarity sighed. "But she just doesn't seem to care. I swear, that mare will never find a stallion."

I raised an eyebrow. "You don't seem to have been looking either, Rarity. Or if you have, even _I _have had better luck."

"That's preposterous! Are you even into stallions?"

I shrugged. "Not really. But some of them seem to like me. Braeburn, for example. And one of the night guards might have a small crush on me."

She hmphed. "If that's all the… _luck _you've had, then I believe I've had better luck than you."

I shrugged. "Good for you, I guess. But I don't think you've gotten farther than I have, relationship wise. I managed to get engaged. How far have you gotten?"

She gasped. "Who with?"

"Gilda. It was a political thing and we got it canceled, thank God. It still counts."

She rolled her eyes. "Keep telling yourself that, Nav." She looked over to Zecora. "Have you ever had a special somepony, Zecora?"

"Once upon a time I did. But on that story I keep a lid. It was in a land far from here and the soul I loved was most dear. The story does not end well, so on it I do not dwell. And I see your sister is awake, so I believe their breakfast I should make."

Rarity leapt up. "Please, allow me to help you." Zecora set the wolf down on the floor and they both walked less than two steps away to a large pot. I zoned them out as the wolf slowly inched its way to me.

He eyed my bandaged leg before rubbing up against my other one. It didn't exactly feel that good, but it also didn't really hurt. I lowered my hand down and he licked it, looking up at me with his glowing green eyes. It was almost enough to make me feel bad for my plan of trying to give him to Fluttershy.

As I was greeting the wolf and he was trying to get used to me, the hustle and bustle around the small room increased, with Applejack joining the cooking effort.

It didn't take long for Zecora to get pushed from the two, leaving Applejack and Rarity to fight over recipes. Rarity was trying to make some hellishly complex thing while Applejack was trying to make something simple.

"If they are not careful they will burn down my house," Zecora sighed as she joined our table. She jerked her head over to the two mares as they poured something into the bowl. "No, no! That is something you must souse!" A tiny rainbow explosion shot out of the bowl, leaving the two mares next to it with very Rainbow Dash-esque hair.

They looked up at each other. "We will never speak of this again," Rarity said.

"You got that right. Now, why don't you go ahead and cook us up something nice, Rarity?"

"No, no Applejack, I insist _you _make us something simple."

I face-palmed, knowing where this was going. Zecora just put her head on the table as the two girls shared a haunted look. After nearly a minute of them trying to be nice and let the other one cook, I looked to Zecora and asked, "Do you have potatoes and eggs?"

Fifteen minutes later, they were all eating hash browns and scrambled eggs, courtesy of me. I have no idea what kind of eggs she gave me, but I know they weren't chicken eggs.

A few minutes after that, we were getting ready to go. I found my belt with my sword and dagger hanging on a peg near the door. The ponies were thanking Zecora for letting them stay. Rarity was apologizing for the mess. The wolf was following me.

As Zecora showed us out, she said to me, "I will think long and hard on your offer, but I would hate to deplete your coffer."

"Price is no problem for me. If you want in, let me know and you're in."

The others were curious about this, of course. "What're you talking about, Nav?" Applejack asked.

"Nothing that need concern you," I answered. "Now let's get out of Zecora's hair. We all need baths and these two have some explaining to do," meaning Applebloom and Sweetie Belle.

"You're quite right about that!" Rarity confirmed. "Just what were you two _thinking_?"

"I reckon that can wait until we ain't in the Everfree," Applejack said, looking around the woods that are rather close to Zecora's hut.

"We won't get there until we start," I sighed, taking the lead. I made it two steps before Rarity jumped in front of me.

"You can't make it back with your foot like that, Nav." She knelt down again. I sighed and slung my leg over her back, sitting on her yet again. She stood back up. "I know you aren't healthy, as light as you are. There's no way anypony this light can be eating right."

I didn't comment.

"If _you _don't want to answer, I bet Taya will tell me all about it," she slyly commented.

I grimaced. "How about we go back to being mad at the girls? That was fun."

"Oh, don't you worry about them," she said. "Sweetie Belle will get quite the tongue lashing when we get out of here."

"And that goes double for Applebloom," Applejack said, giving her sister a look. The two fillies had their ears down, knowing they were up shit creek.

"Hell, I'd prefer a tongue lashing to what my parents did when _I _fucked up. The first time I missed curfew, my dad beat me bloody." I sighed wistfully. "The second time was worse. I didn't miss curfew again after that. Of course, I didn't have to worry about getting eaten back where I came from, but I did have to worry about getting shot or stabbed."

Rarity turned back to stare at me in horror when I mentioned getting beaten. "Your parents _hit _you?"

"Nah, just my dad. My mom never needed to, since my dad was so good at it. Besides, she had other ways of punishing me. She was the one that gave me the tongue lashings, much good they ever did. Is hitting not a common way of dealing with kids here?"

"Heavens no! That's simply… barbaric! What could ever possess a parent to do something like that?"

I shrugged. "Worked on me. Of course, it probably also contributed to me being so fucked up, so I guess that's something against it."

Rarity hmphed and turned back around. "If I ever see your father I'll give him what-for. To do that to a foal…" She descended into dark muttering.

Applejack watched that little back-and-forth with a smile, shaking her head when Rarity finished. She looked over to me. "It ain't that uncommon here, Nav. My parents didn't _beat _me, but they sure knew how to stripe a hide when Big Mac or I misbehaved. Of course, with them traveling all the time the task was usually left to Granny Smith. Now that you mention it, I might have to break out her old collection of switches for Applebloom here."

Applebloom's ears drooped and she looked over to me, mouthing 'why?' before turning on her sad face. I shrugged.

Rarity hmphed again. "Terrible. I can't believe any parents would ever do that." She eyed Sweetie Belle. "Of course, I'm not your parent, just your big sister. If Applejack and Navarone both swear by it, maybe it works." And now Sweetie Belle was using her sad face on me, but she wasn't as good at it as Applebloom.

"If you two switch them, you shouldn't forget about Scootaloo," I said. "It's only fair."

"Don't you worry about her," a new voice said. "I'll take care of her." Rainbow Dash swooped down from the trees, landing in front of us. "What happened last night?" she asked. She then actually _looked _at Rarity and Applejack and cracked up. "And what happened to your hair?" Referring to how it was still rainbow colored, I assumed.

"Long story short," I said, "we fucked up some timber wolves and I got a new pet." I jerked a thumb at the wolf still following Rarity. "We'll get more details from these two when we get back," with a nod toward the two girls.

"Looks like the wolves weren't the only ones that got bucked up," she said, looking at my leg. "Is everypony else alright?"

"We're all fine," Applejack said. "Are the others still trying to find us?"

Dash shook her head. "Twilight sent me to talk to Zecora first, to ask if she's seen you. The others are waiting at Nav's house."

"Why would they be there instead of at the farm?" Applejack asked.

"Because my house has a fence and a giant naga that's honor-bound to come to my aid if I require it."

"Those are pretty good reasons," Rarity confirmed.

I nodded at Dash. "Go tell them we'll be out in about fifteen minutes or so. And tell them to _wait_. The bigger the group we have the more attention we'll draw."

"You got it, Nav." She hopped back into the air, darting through a break in the trees.

I smiled down at the girls. "There you go. Now you won't be so alone when you're getting punished."

"Doesn't make me feel any better…" Sweetie Belle whispered, the first words I had heard out of them yet.

"Me neither," Applebloom sighed. The three of us that were adults shared a smile—at least, I think the other two were adults; I still don't know how age in this place works. I mean, shouldn't Applebloom and Sweetie Belle be young adults by now? Either way, I don't think Rarity or Applejack would actually switch their sisters. They'd talk about it but they wouldn't actually do it.

We continued walking, Applejack and I still eyeing the surrounding forest warily. I had no intention of getting jumped, that's for damn sure.

Thankfully, we weren't. We got out of the forest muddy, tired, hurt in my case, and rainbow maned in the case of Rarity and AJ. Also thankfully, we were very close to my house when we got out; I had no idea the path to Zecora's house was that close to my place. We started walking to the gate.

The first one in was Applejack, and she was quickly smothered by Pinkie's hug. My gate was large enough for Rarity to get past Applejack's struggling form, so I got to see the other three staring at us. The naga, Taya, Scootaloo, and Doppel were with them, though Taya quickly abandoned her position when she saw me enter on Rarity. I slid down, landing on my good leg and catching Taya in a hug.

The wolf cautiously stepped forward, sniffing at Taya. My hand slipped to my dagger until he withdrew. I pulled away from Taya and stood, noting that Rarity had slipped away, standing closer to Twilight. Fluttershy, however, was right behind me, staring at my bandages.

"Nav, you're hurt."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. Hey, do you want a unique animal?"

"What kind of animal?"

I pointed at the wolf. She followed my finger and her eyes went wide. She opened her mouth to presumably tell me no, but hmmm'd instead. She bent down to it, making it back away, baring his fangs. "I don't think he likes me," she whispered.

"Then you're not trying hard enough. You're good with animals, I'm sure you'll figure it out."

"Um…" I was already limping away toward Applejack and the girls. I limped about a step before I found myself lifted in an orange aura that I recognized as Taya's.

The bandage around my foot was unwrapped by a brighter orange aura. She gasped when she saw the damage. "I can't heal this," she told me. She picked me up and carried me toward Twilight.

"Taya, this really isn't necessary."

"I know." She stopped when we were next to Rarity and Twilight, who were talking. Taya just stared at Twilight with a burning intensity until Twilight decided to stop ignoring her.

"Sweet Celestia, Nav! What happened to you?"

I shrugged. "I made one too many jokes about Rarity's hair and she decided to teach me a lesson."

"That is _not _true!" Rarity said, scowling at me for a moment. That quickly changed into a smile. "He got bitten while saving me from getting mauled."

"Yeah, whatever. I don't reckon you can heal me?"

Twilight smirked. "Anything for the _big hero_." The glow around me turned purple as Twilight's horn lit up. She floated me over to herself and stretched out my leg. I felt an insane itching as the tendons in my foot mended and the torn flesh reknitted itself. She was panting slightly by the time she finished. "There was more damage there than I thought." She looked over to Rarity. "Does the fair lady want to reward her handsome knight?"

I butted in. "I think carrying me out of the forest was reward enough, thank you."

Judging from the looks I saw passing between Rarity and Twilight, they had something else in mind. Just as Twilight started to float me closer to Rarity, we heard Fluttershy give out a shrill "Eep!" The aura around me dropped as everyone jerked their heads toward her and the wolf that was now chasing her.

I managed to catch myself before falling, thankfully. I watched with amusement until I saw Rainbow Dash getting ready to pile drive the wolf. "HEEL!" I yelled out. The wolf immediately stopped, looking over to me. "Holy… That actually worked?" I looked around and saw that Fluttershy was huddling next to the naga, staring at the wolf fearfully.

I sighed and walked over to it. "We do _not _try to eat ponies. Especially Fluttershy. Now go apologize." He whimpered, trying to use puppy dog eyes. However, his eyes were green and glowing and he was about as far away from being cute as something could possibly get. I just pointed at Fluttershy.

His tail dragged as he walked over to her and the naga. Dash was ready to move as soon as he showed any signs of being aggressive. Twilight was watching him with curiosity. Fluttershy was watching with fear. The naga, as usual, didn't give any fucks. I could tell he was ready to grab the wolf if needed, though.

The need didn't arise. The wolf stopped near Fluttershy and whined, dropping his head. I could see the fear leave her when he did that. She stepped forward and gently patted him. "It's okay, boy." He looked up and pounced. Everyone caught their breath before we realized he was just licking her face.

"Now that that's out of the way," Applejack slowly said before turning to her sister. "JUST WHAT THE HAY WERE YOU THINKING?!"

"Hold on," I said, stepping up. "Might as well save some time and yell at all three at once. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, stand next to Applebloom."

"Good thinking as always, Nav," Rarity said before looking to Sweetie Belle and pointing at Applebloom.

"You heard him, squirt," Dash said to Scootaloo. The girls both sighed before joining Applebloom.

Applejack nodded at me. "Thanks for looking out for us, Nav." She cleared her throat before turning on her Big Sister face again. "NOW JUST WHAT THE HAY WERE YOU THREE THINKING?!"

I zoned out whatever their answer was as I walked over to Fluttershy. "Like I said, you figured it out. According to Zecora, he eats meat or dog food. She gave me a list of instructions, whenever you want it."

"Oh, no. I couldn't take away your pet, Nav! I can tell he has a bond with you." She let the pup go and he quickly rejoined me. She grinned. "I knew a canine would be right for you! I figured it would have been a fox, but a wolf is fine too. If you ever need me to puppy-sit, just let me know!"

I crossed my arms as the puppy tried rubbing against my legs. "Can you puppy-sit it forever?" The wolf growled. "_Fine_." I sighed. "I keep getting saddled with all this stuff… Fluttershy, I suggest against following in my footsteps."

"Oh, I could never do that. It would be awkward, trying to match your two feet with my four."

I rolled my eyes. "It's like you're just begging for me to hug you."

"Um… What does hugging have to do with walking?"

"That's it. Just remember that you brought this on yourself." I reached down and pulled her into a hug. I quickly remembered why I liked snuggling against mares; they're really soft and squishy, especially when you're not wearing much in the way of clothing. Her fur brushed up against my chest in a very nice way.

I didn't hold the hug for long, but she was blushing when I pulled away. "I hope you learned your lesson," I told her. "Now come on, pup. Let's show you the house."

For those of you that are wondering, it was explained to me that the three girls went into the woods to find out why the timber wolves are so attracted to the zap apples. They assumed that since I was able to talk to the wolves, the wolves would be willing to talk to them.

They did not take into account the fact that I earned the respect of the wolves by killing one in combat. They also casually forgot that Applebloom was part of the family that stole the zap apples in the first place. Even if wolves didn't know her from looking at her, they would be able to smell the farm on all of them.

And no, they didn't learn the reason for the wolves' behavior.

However, I did. The night we got back I started to go into the forest. I stopped when I realized that I did not need to; there were five wolves right outside the doors of my house, waiting for me. I spread my wings and drew my sword as I pulled the door shut, watching them.

"You will not need that, two legs," the wolf in the middle hoarsely intoned.

"We are here to talk, not fight," the one to the right of him said.

I didn't put my sword away. "What do you want?" I asked. I could see more of the wolves now, arranged all around my house. _I'm not leaving that gate open at night anymore._

"You killed one of the pack leaders," the middle one said.

"In self-defense," I hastily answered.

"This isn't a trial," the one on the far left barked.

I ruffled my feathers. "Then why are you here?"

"You have one of ours," the middle one answered. I jerked a hand to the door but he continued, "We do not want him back. He is nothing but muscle; with his pack dead he is forfeit. But his pack is not entirely dead. He picked you as his leader, something we can barely sense. Since you are technically a pack leader now, you deserve to know about us."

_Man, what the fuck kinda weaboo anime bullshit is this?_ I put the sword away. "Fine. What's your feud with the apple farmers?" The one on the far right growled at the mention of the Apples.

The middle one snarled too, but answered, "They hold our family fruit, two legs. When one of us eats of that tree, we are able to breed for a short time. Each pack guards a tree, for without the fruits from that tree the pack cannot survive. They bloom whenever a tribe is ready to grow, either because hunting is good or because one of the tribe was lost." He narrowed his eyes. "The trees will go in bloom within the week because of your actions in destroying a pack. They'll stay in bloom for twice as long so we can replace the numbers that were killed."

That's certainly interesting. "What happens if a pony or something else eats a raw zap apple?"

"They go mad." Well, that explains Granny Smith's behavior. "We do not know if it is permanent, since we kill most anything that dares affront us so."

"So… how the hell do you breed, anyway? The wolves I killed turned into kindling when they died, not bodies."

"It is not how most animals breed. We are not alive, but made animate through chaotic magic. When a pack sees the first of the signs of the trees, we begin gathering fallen branches and leaves from certain trees, depending on what we are trying to replace. Different wood makes different wolves. When the tree is ready, each member of the pack eats the fruit of the tree and sacrifices part of themselves to animate a new member of the pack. The young start small but slowly grow as more magic and life is absorbed."

"So how long can any of you live?"

They all looked around at each other before the middle one spoke again. "I have seen over ten thousand turnings of the moon."

_Turnings of the moon… That's about twenty-eight days._ I did some math and realized this dude had been alive for over nine hundred years. "Holy fuck, dude. How long does it take for a wolf to fully grow?"

"That depends on the breed," one of them answered. "The wolf you have will grow quickly. He will be strong, fast, and ferocious, but not much for thinking. He will never know how to talk."

"Does he have a name?"

"We do not give names to each other. We instinctively know each other because of the feel of their magic."

"Okay… Does he have a gender?"

"He does not."

There are a bunch of other questions I really wanted to ask these guys, but I had a bad feeling that some questions might be bad for my health. Questions such as, "Don't you care that I helped defend the apple farmers from some of you?" and "How did you know I had one of you?" and "So does that mean I can't get raped by any of you?"

So instead I settled for asking, "How did the timber wolves get created as a race?"

Four of them growled before the middle one answered, "That is a tale we are not allowed to tell. The sun fell from the sky and gave us the warning that we were to tell none of how we were made."

That answered my question, actually. "How worried will I need to be about the wolf I have hurting anyone?"

"He will sense your mood and your feelings. If you are near someone you do not like, he will be defensive. He will be friendly to those to which you are friendly."

_Yeah, this is definitely some anime bullshit_. An interesting question occurred to me. "Is there a way for him to breed?"

The one in the middle's head cocked. "Yes. The rites needed are ingrained into each wolf. If he is given the fruit of the tree and the rites have been performed, more can be made. However, he will have to give more of himself in order to do it since he is the only timber wolf in his pack. You could build yourself a larger pack."

_A small army of timber wolves, loyal only to me… Now that's something to think about_. I found myself smiling.

The wolves noticed that and growled. I remembered what showing teeth meant to dogs and I removed the smile from my face. "If I have any other questions for you in the future, how will I find you? I swear, you guys are fucking illusive when I actually want to talk."

"Search for the trees like those on the apple farm. We will never be far." Sensing that I was done, the wolves turned away and gathered their packs with a few barks and snarls. They left a few howls as they charged out through my gate, into the night.


	70. Chapter Sixty-Eight

Chapter Sixty-Eight—Substance abuse, here I come.

Now, I've said this before and I have a feeling I'll say it again, so forgive me if it gets old. But this one statement seems to fit a number of the situations I find myself in and it always seems to strike true no matter what.

I hate everything.

It's a simple three words that convey a simple message. And yet, it's something the ponies that surround me seem unable to understand.

And that is why I found myself tied down in a chair in Pinkie's room surrounded by all six of my 'friends' and my _loving _daughter.

I sighed yet again. "Is this all really necessary?" I asked.

"Nav, you already tried running away twice," Applejack said, tilting her hat back.

I gave a glare at Dash, who had been the one to catch me both times. She just grinned and said, "Sorry, bro, but according to Twilight it's for your own good."

"And so is this part," Twilight said, floating a piece of cloth over to me and fixing it around my face.

Rarity sighed. "That is not how it's done, Twilight." She floated another piece of cloth over from the pile Pinkie had in her room for some reason. "Pinkie, be a dear?" The cloth around my face was untied and my mouth was forced open by Pinkie. The cloth Rarity was holding shot inside my mouth, muffling anything I wanted to say. Pinkie tied the other one back around my mouth to prevent me from spitting it out.

Have I mentioned how much I hate everything?

Twilight stepped forward. "Now I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you here…"

Pinkie shook her head. "Not really. Any reason to torture Nav is good in my books!" There was nodding from everyone in the room but me.

"As true as that is," Twilight continued, "there is an actual reason today. Fluttershy brought to my attention a fact that Cadance pointed out. As I'm sure any of us that have had extended conversations with Nav know, he believes—or used to believe, I suppose—that he was unable to feel love." Again, there was general nodding. "Cadance pointed out that you can't have friendship without love." _I hate you so much right now that it hurts, Cadance._ "What some of you do not know is that Navarone recently had a special somepony." There were a few gasps and I narrowed my eyes, glaring at Twilight. "It ended poorly." And now there were a few 'awwws' "So I decided to get some of his friends together to make sure he knows he'll never forget how to love!"

Applejack cleared her throat. "Now, no offense to you, Twi, but was tying him up really that necessary? We all know he'da run given half a chance, but isn't this something we could do better on a one-on-one basis?"

"Normally I'd agree with you," she answered. "But we all know Nav. He would have quickly noticed the pattern and started avoiding us after the second or third confrontation. This way he has no choice but to listen. It's foolproof!"

"Yeah, but won't this make him angry?" Dash asked. "I mean, I went and caught him twice because I thought this was going to be important, not just more lovey-dovey crap."

I wasn't able to talk, but I could make noise. I grunted an affirmative, nodding my head.

"See! I'm letting him go." She tried to walk over, but Taya stepped in front of her.

"You don't have to live with him," Taya said. "He needs this."

I frantically shook my head.

"I dunno…" Dash said, rubbing her chin. "It doesn't seem to me like he does."

"Well, it won't hurt anypony to be sure," Rarity commented, stepping closer to me. _It won't hurt any_pony. _What about a human? _"Nav, don't you remember that time you helped me with your modeling?"

I tried saying "Ugh." To her it apparently sounded like a no, so she went into more detail about it. She spent way too much time talking about a few of the nights where we didn't have extra beds so we had to sleep together.

I was doing my best to zone her out, but it wasn't working. It didn't help that… _Oh my God she's bursting into song_. Now, I've said before that I liked Rarity's singing voice, but I wasn't happy about being sung at about how 'I'm a good person' and 'I've had love in my heart the entire time.'

When Rarity's song finished, the music continued. The ponies looked around, confused; someone was supposed to be singing, but none of them got the cue. Their questioning glances were answered when Doppel burst out of the closet, trying to sing about something.

Thankfully, Taya was very surprised at this and instinctively shot her with a bolt of magic, disrupting the entire song. Due to the rule of comedy, Doppel was completely uninjured, but she spat out a cloud of black smoke.

"What were you doing in my closet, silly?" Pinkie asked, poking Doppel's newly prostrate form with a hoof.

When Doppel was able to talk again, she said, "Making sure no one was trying to hurt Nav."

Pinkie giggled and booped her on the nose. "You don't hurt friends, silly! You love them!" Pinkie jumped over and wrapped me in a hug to prove her point.

I tried saying, "Kill me."

Pinkie decided to interpret it different. "Group hug, you say? That's a GREAT idea!" She used her freaky powers to pull everyone in the room around my chair and hugged us all, with me in the middle getting squished by fluffy ponies—and Doppel's carapace.

I think one of my hands ended up somewhere very inappropriate, and from the blush I saw on Dash's face when Pinkie released us I could take a guess where.

The moment of awkwardness ended when Pinkie jumped in my face and started talking about something or another that I had done with her. I have a lot of practice with ignoring Pinkie, so I was able to successfully not pay attention.

Until she started smushing her hooves against my face and trying to manipulate it in ways it wasn't supposed to move. Normally I don't bother fighting back when I'm in an unwinnable situation, but this time I did. I pulled back and glared at her, baring my canines as much as I could around the gag.

She giggled and bared her teeth too, making a mock dangerous face.

I snorted and went back to a bored and disinterested look. She patted me on the head with a smile and went back to the group.

Applejack stepped up. "You saved me and my sister. That's enough for me." I didn't really have much interaction with Applejack. That's pretty much all she had to say.

Doppel decided to go next. "I have no idea what's going on but it's making you squirm so it has to be worth it. You saved me and the hive, so that's got you good in my books. Ever since then you've been nothing but nice and useful. You already know where my loyalty lies." Her wings fluttered and she leapt up, wrapping me in a tight hug. I felt her tongue tracing my ear and she whispered, "And if I knew how much you liked getting tied up I would have been all over you sooner. I can _taste _the lust in the air."

I shivered as she pulled away; I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, because I sure as hell don't get off to being tied up. She winked at me before joining the small crowd around me.

That made it Dash's turn, apparently. She rubbed the back of her neck, saying, "Hey uh, can I have some alone time with him? We got secret bro stuff to talk about."

"Of course, Rainbow," Twilight said. "Come on, girls." She led the way out of Pinkie's room, leaving me with Dash.

Who blushed when the door finally shut. "You need to be more careful with those hands, man!" She shivered, giving me bedroom eyes. "I'm going in heat soon, and that… Oooh…" She shook herself, letting her eyes go back to normal. "I can deal with it later. Now, friend stuff…" She paced back and forth in front of my chair for a few seconds. "I guess there was that time I almost got you killed and you forgave me. That was really awesome of you. And all those pranks we did… Though you always seemed to go after Rarity." She snickered. "Remember that one time we made her think her equinequens were alive? She refused to go back into her shop until Applejack beat them all to a pulp."

Yeah, that was a fun one. It required some inventive use of blackmailing on Sweetie Belle to make it work, too.

"So I guess what I'm saying is, if Twilight and Cadance seem to think friendship is love or something, I guess I love you or something like that." She paused, a slow redness seeping back up her neck. "Geez, this is really awkward… I don't know why Twilight wanted us to all do this…"

I grunted, balling a hand into a fist and nodding at it. She grinned and met it with her hoof.

"You're alright, Nav. And if you tell anypony that I said I loved you I'm beating you to a pulp. Now, I would let you go, but I think the others might get mad when you run away." She walked around behind me. "I can at least undo this stupid gag, though." She untied it and I managed to spit the damn thing in my mouth out. "How's that?"

I worked some moisture into my mouth before responding in my 'sexy' voice. "I love you too, Dashie."

She smacked me in the back of the head. "I'll send in the next one."

"Wait a sec." She stopped moving. "Don't send in Pinkie or Rarity."

"They already had their turn, but I'll stop them if they try." Thankfully, she didn't ask why. I heard the door click shut and that's when I jumped up and waddled to the window. I had it unlocked and was trying to open it when the next one walked in.

"Nav, what're you—Hey!" I was surrounded by a purple glow and pulled away from the window. Twilight dropped me down in front of herself and gave me a very disapproving stare.

I tried shrugging and said, "Can't fault a guy for trying."

She snorted. "You wanna bet?" Her horn lit up and two more pieces of cloth flew over from the pile and I was gagged again. She happily nuzzled me in the face. "There, isn't that better? Now…" She began pacing like Dash had. "I'm sure you realize by now how much love you have in your heart. Of anypony here, I probably know you best aside from maybe Taya." She stopped in front of me and poked me in the chest with a hoof. "You're a good person." I did my best to sigh exaggeratedly and roll my eyes. "It's hardly been three weeks and I already miss you in the library. I know you've been through a lot and you've had a lot of stress recently. I… didn't exactly treat you fairly."

If I wasn't gagged I would remind her that the reason she kicked me out was because I was acting like an asshole.

"I wanted to apologize, Nav. And to… make you an offer. If you ever want to, say, _relieve some tension_, I'll be there for you. I promise to keep all feelings out of it."

So basically she was offering to fuck if I ever wanted it. So now I have a sun goddess, a griffin, a changeling maid, and a powerful unicorn all as fuck buddies.

It's looking to be a good year.

"Now, I know dealing with lust isn't exactly reminding you that you have love, but we all have needs." She bit her lower lip and looked down to a certain part of my 'needy' body. "In fact… I can't imagine you're overly pleased at being tied up like this." Her horn lit up and my zipper flew down. I grinned, liking where this was going.

A few minutes later Twilight left, trotting happily out the door. I didn't bother trying to escape.

Fluttershy didn't waste much time joining me. She gasped when she saw my face. "Oh my, you're blushing! Are you too hot?" She jumped to the window and opened it, letting some air in.

I wanted to tell her I was alright, but that gag was still there.

She turned back to me for a moment before looking down, her ears sinking. "I'm just… I don't want you to hate me!" I lifted an eyebrow. I had no reason to hate Fluttershy. She plopped her ass down on the floor, looking extremely depressed. "I… I remember back when… when you got back from Egypt the second time… How I said you couldn't love." I blinked. I actually hadn't thought about that in a long time. "I'm so sorry!" The rest of her plopped to the floor and she started crying.

That would have been a really awkward scene for someone to walk in on. Me tied to a chair and Fluttershy on the floor crying her eyes out over something she said that didn't even bloody matter.

"I'm such a horrible pony!" she wailed.

I sighed, hopped up, waddled over to her, and poked her a few times with one of my feet. She squirmed away until she realized it was me. Then she looked up, tears streaming down her face. I sat back and lifted my hands, waving them in a 'come here' fashion before opening them like I was welcoming her. She leapt up, throwing her head into my lap with a sob.

She squirmed around for a moment before looking up to me. "Nav, why is your lap wet?" I gave her a flat stare. She shrugged and continued crying, letting her head fall back down. I rolled my eyes and did my best to get comfortable.

Around the ten minute mark my legs started falling asleep. I finally decided to do what I should have done to begin with. I lifted a leg up and crossed it behind Fluttershy's neck and grabbed the knife I keep in my shoe with the opposite hand. With that, I was able to slice the ropes holding that arm to the chair and then the rest of them were easy. I pulled the gag off and the wad out of my mouth. I took a moment to stretch before gently lifting Fluttershy's head, standing just a little, and kicking the chair back. I then sat on the floor and pulled Fluttershy into a hug so she could cry over my shoulder instead of my lap.

"Fluttershy, I don't hate you. I don't think it's physically possible to hate you. You are the most genuinely nice person I have ever met and I consider it a privilege to call you friend. I don't care what you've said in the past. I know what you meant and I don't hate you for it."

The tears slowly petered out. Eventually she whispered, "I love you, Nav."

"If what Cadance said is true, I guess I love you too. You're a wonderful friend, Fluttershy, and don't let anyone tell you different."

I heard something in my head at that point and it wasn't until now as I'm writing that I realize it was Flo face palming. When I read over that little back and forth, I realized the possible implications of what she and I said. There's a very good chance I friendzoned Fluttershy without even realizing it. As I sit and think, she's the only one of the ponies I know that I would even consider a real relationship with, but even then I would only consider it if I came back from traveling.

Anyway, Fluttershy pulled away from me, looking down. "I'm… It's Taya's turn now, I guess." We let each other go and she stood up, walking over to the door. I followed her out, since I could talk to Taya on the way home or at home.

When Fluttershy opened the door to the main room, I saw that the girls were around a large circular table, everyone but Doppel drinking milkshakes that corresponded to their coat colors, which I thought was a neat touch.

"What, I don't get one?" I asked as I walked in.

Mr. Cake behind the counter answered, "If you got the bits, sure." He was still a little bitter about catching me, Pinkie, and Gilda fucking.

"You can have mine," Dash said, pushing back from the table. "These things are unhealthy and I need to get going anyway."

There was a chorus of byes and things of that nature as Dash left the building. Fluttershy took her seat and with some interesting rearranging I was situated between Taya and Twilight. "So this was really pointless," I commented as Dash's blueberry smoothie was passed my way.

"No," Taya said, "it was good for you." I rolled my eyes and did my best to clear the smoothie as quickly as possible without getting a brain freeze.

Rarity departed not long after Dash. "Nav, stop by my Boutique sometime soon. I need to talk to you," she said before she left. I didn't get a chance to reply before she was out the door.

When she did get out I looked over to Applejack. "I was finally able to talk to the wolves, if you still want that answer."

"Well shoot, I'm _really _curious now, what with them trying to maul Applebloom. What'd they say?"

I told everyone there what the wolves said about the trees, leaving the rest of the information unsaid because it wasn't their business.

When I was finished, Twilight asked, "Can I study your wolf, Nav? I knew they had to be magical in nature, but I never imagined they would mate like that!"

"If you don't hurt him and I can watch, yeah."

"So you mean to say the wolves were never actually attacking the farm?" Applejack asked.

"According to them, they never did. They howled, but they never tried attacking. Granny Smith is just fucking crazy."

"Don't you say that about—yeah, you're right…" Applejack paused, thinking. "Well, I won't tell her if none of you do. Whatever else she says or does, she's a good cook and she ain't hurting nopony."

We all shrugged. Granny Smith is awesome, even if she's a nutter. I wasn't going to tell anyone important that she was crazy.

"Anyway," I said, "that's what I found out. Oh, and I also found out that the trees should be going into bloom within the week. We'll find out if the wolves were telling the truth soon enough."

And because I swear to someone that this is a cartoon world, Applebloom slammed the door open and screamed, "The zap apple trees are blooming!"

I didn't even comment on the timing. I just went back to drinking the smoothie.

Applejack sighed and pushed back from the table. "Time to go to work. See y'all later. And thanks for the help, Nav." There was another chorus of byes as she walked out.

"And I'm going to go see what Rarity wanted," I said, standing up. "Taya, stay here and continue your lessons or whatever. We can talk later." And I heard another small chorus of byes as I walked out the door and into the bright summer day. As the wind blew by I felt the wetness in my crotch and remembered then that Fluttershy had been crying all over me. _Well this just got awkward._

Thankfully, it isn't a long walk to Rarity's unhumble abode. I made it over there without anyone asking if I pissed myself. I walked on in and couldn't help but notice a pale yellow mare with blue hair and in a horrifying outfit walking around and yelling about looking sensational or something. Rarity saw me walk in and motioned me to wait.

I shrugged and walked over to a wall, content to watch. I quickly learned the mare's name was Sapphire Shores and I was able to tell she was a pop star or something. When she bent over to look at something I discovered she was a blank flank. I really wanted to make a joke about brainless pop stars, but I decided against it.

Either way, Rarity sent Miss Shores away with a very sparkly outfit that resonated with gems. Somehow, she didn't notice me standing against the wall watching her walk out. Or if she did notice, she just didn't care.

I walked toward the middle of the shop as Rarity breathed out. "God, I bet she moans like a slut in bed," I commented. "I wouldn't mind finding out."

"Get in line," Rarity scoffed. "I don't know if it would be a long wait, knowing mares like her." She blushed and added, "But that's rude of me. Now, you and I need to talk."

I crossed my arms. "Is it about the rape?"

"Well… sort of."

I turned around and walked toward the door. She leapt in front of me, blocking the door with her body.

"I said sort of!"

"Rarity, I do not want it said that I punched a lady in the face. So make your point and make it fast."

"I'm sorry, I regret it, it was stupid, I thought it was for the best and I know now that it wasn't and that it was in fact probably the worst possible thing I could have done." I don't think I've ever heard Rarity try to talk that quickly.

"Okay. Can I go now?"

"Nav, do you remember the intervention we had about you not confronting your problems?" I very loudly popped my knuckles, making her flinch. She held her ground, though. "You can hit me if you want, but I'm not letting you leave here until you tell me about how you really feel."

"…How I _really _feel?" I mused.

Flo whispered, "Don't do it, Nav."

I walked closer to Rarity, looming over her. She leaned back, but didn't move a step. "I was a virgin, Rarity. Not that it meant anything to you. I was saving that for a drunken one-night stand, not a rapist." I paused, finding the words. "Your coat is so white, so pristine… When all the little ponies look at you, they see kind and generous white Rarity, the giving mare. When I look at you, I see the stains on your coat, the sins you hide. The kind and generous ruined Rapity that doesn't take no for an answer and gives whether the receiver wants it or not. And that is all you will ever be. That's all I will ever see. That is how I feel, Rarity. Move."

Much to my surprise, she wasn't a crying wreck. Hell, she looked fucking _defiant_. "That's all you see, yet you help me anyway? You've done so much for me and I've done so much for you, but the only part of any of what you'll see is the one dark deed I did and regret? The one thing I've tried to apologize for over and over? You know I hate myself for it and you know I regret ever thinking that stupid decision and yet you refuse to let it go? I've heard you mention the darkness in the hearts of man, but I never thought you were serious."

It was tempting to knock her lights out and leave, but I wanted to see where this was going. "Swap the positions, Rarity. I locked you and Pinkie in a back room and spent a day or two raping you both. What would it take to have you forgive it?"

"Knowing you were sincere in your apology! Think and say what you want of me, Navarone, but I _am _a generous mare. I know how to give forgiveness, if an apology is true and sincere, as mine is."

"You are generous, yes. But as you said, there is a darkness in my heart. Humans, we specialize in remembering the bad. We're _motivated _by the hate in our hearts. When I wake up, it isn't because I'm happy to see the new day. It's because I look at the hatred I've gathered and decide I'm going to spend the day in defiance of those I hate. In my experience almost every human is the same even if they would refuse to admit it. I could try to forgive you but that hate that drives me would always be there."

"Then by all means, remember it as long as you must! Let the hate flow through you, if that is what it takes. But you can forgive anyway, Navarone. You asked me if I would forgive you. I would. I would happily forgive you, if I knew you were sincere. But I would never forget, Nav. I would be wary around you for the rest of my life. By all means, remember if that's what you need, but that doesn't mean you can't forgive."

And now the voice in my head decided to kick in. "Navarone, the only reason you refuse to forgive her is because you don't want to give her the satisfaction of being right. That's what it has been the entire time. Like it or not, Rarity is your friend. I can look over your past experiences with her and tell that much. You genuinely like being around her. You're doing this, hurting her, out of spite."

_When I agreed to take you into my head, it was with the deal you would help me. And I swear to God if you say it I'm cutting myself._ She shut up.

I ran a hand through my hair, thinking. Rarity and Flo were both right, as much as I absolutely hated to admit it. "Rarity, have you ever heard me use the word spite?"

She blinked a few times. "No, I don't believe I have."

I sighed. "It all comes down to that. Humans have it and ponies do not…" I sighed, rubbing my face. I knelt down and hugged her. _I hate myself for this, but… _"I forgive you, marshmallow. Christ, but it hurts."

I felt her forelegs wrap around me. "I know, Nav. It hurt me too, for so long… And it probably always will. But now, the band aid is on and it can slowly begin to heal." It sounded like she was getting choked up. Lord knows I felt some dust in my eyes. "Shh, just let it all out."

"Rarity, if you talk to me like a baby again I'm turning this hug into a smackdown."

"It won't happen again." She was silent for a moment before giggling. "Besides, I'd tie you in a knot."

"I think you remember what happened the last time you tried. And don't think about that magic shit, I'd slip my ring either on me or on you."

"My my, is that a proposal?"

I pulled away from the hug and said in the most sincere voice I had, "Rarity, will you marry me?"

Her mouth fucking dropped.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. No, it wasn't a proposal. It was a threat. Now don't be silly." I reached up and closed her mouth, pulling her back into a hug for a moment. "You really are squishy like a marshmallow." I squeezed her a few times before letting go and standing up. "Now, I need to go. We can talk more later, if you really want. I'll see you later, Rarity." With that I opened the door and stepped over her, walking into a day that seemed a little brighter than it had before.

I quickly realized this was because I was standing in the reflection of a window. I got out of the glare and jerked back when I saw Taya staring at me. "Aren't you supposed to be with Twilight?" I asked.

"I told her that I have daughterly duties to take care of. She understood."

I had a bad feeling. I walked past her on the path to the manor. She jumped to follow me. "You can start talking at me whenever you want," I said, jamming my hands in my pockets.

She was silent for a little while, just padding along next to me. "You never wanted a daughter. You never wanted any children. Celestia knew this. And you knew that if you really put up a fight, she wouldn't make you keep me. Why did you decide to keep me?"

I wasn't expecting to ever be asked that question, at least not by her. "Because you had been through too much. I wasn't going to take you away from the one comfort you found, even if that comfort was me."

"And you never thought about how much you had been through? Or how much more you might go through because of me?"

"Oh, I did."

"And yet you helped me anyway," she whispered.

"I did," I quietly confirmed, nodding.

We were silent the rest of the way there.

When we got back to the house, she jumped up and hugged me. "I love you, daddy," she whispered as she nuzzled her face into my stomach.

I knelt down and hugged her back. "I love you too, Taya."

The naga and I got interrupted by a royal guard during the middle of a practice session. I took my helmet off and wiped my sweaty brow with a metal-clad arm. "Can I help you?" I wearily asked.

I don't know how long he was standing there, but he probably saw me getting my shit wrecked. Thankfully, he didn't comment on that. "The princess wants to know if you are available for a meeting, sir."

I was grateful for the break but I wouldn't let the naga know that. I turned to him and said, "Can't say no to the princess." I looked back to the guard. "When does she want to see me?" I figured soon, and since I don't wear my ring while sparring anymore ever since the naga beat my face in, I was expecting to be teleported soon.

"I'd imagine—" Whatever he was imagining was cut off by the sound of me not being there anymore.

"That naga sure knows his business," Celestia commented, looking me over.

I tossed the stick I was using aside. "Yeah. I assume you're looking for some hot monkey dick?" We were in her private chambers, so I was guessing that's why I was there.

"Something like that." She started walking around me, letting her tail freely hit me. "What would you say to something… different?"

"Unless I know what I'm getting into first, hell no. If you explain first, we'll see."

"Hm…" She stopped behind me. "Have you ever heard of infantilism?"

"…You want me to treat you like a baby?"

She huskily giggled. "Not quite."

My wings jerked. "I don't like being manhandled, Celestia."

"Oh, I won't be a man. I'll even be a human for you. It's just… something I've always wanted to try." She draped her head over one of my shoulders and I felt a hoof caress a wing. "I won't tell anypony."

I sighed and muttered, "Fuck me for being a fool." I unbuckled my chest plate. "Fine. If I tell you to stop, stop."

She giggled with glee, backing away as I continued removing armor. I saw a hellishly bright flash coming from behind me and knew she was humanized. I ran out of armor to remove, leaving me in my dingy underclothes. "Sorry for being… well, nasty," I said, turning. As usual, her size caught me off guard. She was at least a fucking foot taller than I was, so I was getting a face full of massive bare breasts. I grinned and poked one, watching them both jiggle.

"Oh, that won't be a problem," she said with her own secret smile. "I think the first order of business is a nice and relaxing bath…" Her horn lit up and the room slowly got bigger.

(Semi-clop goes here. It's not actually sex, but God is it weird as fuck. If you want to skip it, I don't blame you. ctrl+f "Weirdness over")

"Whoa whoa, what the fuck are you—" A finger on my much smaller mouth silenced me.

"Nav, babies can't talk." She reached down and gently picked me up out of my now overly large clothes, cradling my somewhat terrified form. "I read in one of Twilight's letters how you react to youthification spells. And we couldn't have as much… fun… if you were a regular baby anyway. I promise to not hurt you." She gently rubbed one of my tiny wings, hitting all of the pleasure spots with two fingers. She grinned at my noticeable reaction. "Just relax, Nav. If I go too far, just let me know. Until then…" She walked over to a desk and picked up a pacifier.

"Oh hell no. You stick that thing in me and I'm jamming it up your ass."

She sighed. "Can you at least pretend to get into this for me?"

I ruffled my feathers. "You owe me big time for this. And I swear to God if you tell Luna…" Her wings sagged in relief and she lifted the pacifier to my face. I let her slip it inside my mouth.

She smiled and affectionately rubbed my hair. "That's a good boy. Now that you can't talk at me with that cute little voice… Well, between you and me you'd have a hard time getting that pacifier in my rear around the plug." I rolled my eyes as she slowly walked over to what I assumed was her bathroom area. The only good part about this so far is that my entire body got to rest against her expansive bosom. I snuggled in further, since it had been so long since I got to play with their wonderful squishiness.

We got to Celestia's washroom and I got to see how huge it was. And that wasn't just because I was small, either; this place was about as big as my bedroom, with a tub about as big as my bed. Apparently she was expecting me to say yes, because there was already a bath laid out. She slowly eased herself into the water, holding me steadily above it.

I wouldn't be surprised if normally the water would be about at my neck if I sat down. That would be over my head right now, so I was in no hurry to leave her arms. The water was barely lukewarm, oddly.

"There, there," Celestia whispered, cupping some water in one of her hands and pouring it over me. She began to vocalize a song I had heard a good number of times since I got here from several different sources.

When she got me good and wet, she started gently rubbing me with a washcloth. She paid special attention to my nonexistent tummy. "Looks like somepony might be hungry," she quietly said. "I'll feed you later, honey." She better not try feeding me fucking baby food. I'd throw that shit in her face.

She let the washcloth sink into the water and soaped up her hand. "I need to be extra careful here," she whispered, cradling my manhood in her silky-smooth hands. Or maybe it was babyhood, now, though it didn't stay soft and baby-like long. Unfortunately, she didn't spend nearly enough time on that part of me. She chortled at the expression she apparently saw on my face, but didn't comment. Her soapy hand continued down my legs to my feet. I felt myself flinch as she passed over my soles. She noticed that and did a few times. "What's this?" She smiled deeply. "Is somepony ticklish?"

_Oh fuck me…_ Thankfully, she decided not to abuse it and instead continued running her soapy hand all over my body. I didn't mind much of what she did to the front of me. When she flipped me over though…

I will never live down the indignation of having her finger slipping between my crack, or her giggles when she saw my wings shoot straight back in surprise. "Oh? Does somepony like it when I rub that spot?" she asked. I felt her hand start rubbing more until I kicked her right in the nipple and pushed myself out of her arms.

She caught me right as I hit the water. "Well isn't somepony grumpy?" She turned me back over and saw my glare. "Fiiiine." She turned me again and continued washing my back. "Since you've been so patient, you get a reward!" She draped my body over one of her breasts so my back was facing out. She then used both hands to lather up my wings, using some special kind of shampoo. I was panting by the time she decided to stop, close to the edge. I think she could hear my grunt of dissatisfaction.

She grabbed me under my arms and held me up so she could look me in the eye. "Good little boys get rewards. Bad little boys get spankings. I can't hurt my little baby, but I can remind him who's boss."

Fine. Play by the rules, I get to cum. Start messing up her little wonderland, bad things happen. I gave a small nod to show that I understand.

She grinned and whispered, "Good boy," before bringing me in and kissing my forehead. "Now let's rinse you off and get you dressed."

_Wait, what?_

She went back to cradling me and scooped up more water, slowly rinsing the soap off. Again, special attention was given to my wings, just enough to really get me close before she backed off. I fluttered them, trying to get more attention.

"Aww, how cute!" This was starting to piss me off.

Next thing I knew, I was lifted way up into the air as Celestia stood, letting water cascade off her wonderfully sexy body. I just wish I had a better view; being cradled against her chest does have a bad side. I felt a soft towel start to brush me down as she gently dried me off. Thankfully, she didn't try to discretely pleasure me this time, and I was quickly dried.

Not so thankfully, she proceeded to pull out a baby outfit. I looked down on it in disdain and looked up, trying to give her my best 'fuck off' look.

She grinned at that. "If you don't like this one, I have a spare…" She pulled out a little girl's outfit. I struggled to reach the other one that was at least made for a boy, but she held me firm. "No, no. You made your interest clear."

I pulled the pacifier out and said, "If you're not—"

I barely saw her horn lit up as something closed my mouth. She held me up to look me in the face again. "Babies don't talk. Nod your head if you're willing to keep going if I give you the right outfit."

I was tempted to do the baby equivalent of telling her to go fuck herself, but she did really seem to enjoy this. At this point I didn't give two fucks about her enjoying it, but I knew if she enjoyed it I could get damn near whatever I wanted from her later—and not just sex. I nodded.

The smile on her face returned and I put the annoying pacifier back in place. _If she was going to make me carry this thing all day, why not at least flavor it?_

Her horn lit up and the evil outfit flew back to its dark hiding place. She set me down on a table. Her horn lit up again and… ugh, _diapers _floated over.

I gave her the flattest of flat stares at she gently picked up my lower half by one of my ankles and started rubbing my bottom and the sides of my legs with some kind of fluid. When she let me rest back on the table, I realized that she had used magic to push the diaper under me. She grinned as she lifted it between my legs. As the final coup de grace of embarrassment, she forced my now-soft dick down as she tightly wrapped the diaper around me.

_Now just what was the point of that? Really!_ My stare turned into a glare as she hitched the diaper up high and tightened it.

She just said, "Gotta make sure you don't shoot up!" _Now just what the hell does that mean?_

With that embarrassing thing on, she pulled up a tight onesie that had leggings that ended in socks. "There, that should keep you warm!" she merrily commented as she zipped the back up, making sure my wings fit snugly through the holes.

I really wanted to face palm.

She picked me up and walked over to a rocking chair that had to have been specially made for this purpose; there's no way a horse the size of Celestia could fit in that thing. _Jesus, how much planning and time did she put into this? Doesn't she have a_ country_ to run?_

She plopped her plot down and just cradled me for a minute, vocalizing again. I spent that minute rubbing one of her nipples, hoping that if I could get her in the mood she'd be willing to finish me off.

It didn't work. She lifted me a little and finally pulled out the pacifier. "Dinner time!" she sang. It was then that I noticed her horn was lit and probably had been for some time. She positioned my face right at her nipple.

_What_.

I craned my head up to look her in the eyes to see if they were red or dilated, because this bitch had to be smoking something. I didn't see any signs. She was just smiling at me, waiting.

_I've done a number of weird things since I got here. Who knows, maybe sun goddess milk tastes good._ I looked back at her nipple, shrugged, put my mouth to it, and began to treat it like a pedophile in a back alley.

Nothing happened. _Well no shit nothing happened, she wasn't pregnant._

I pulled back, cocking my head looking at it. Celestia sighed, reached over to a table, picked up a magazine, and sat me in her lap to read it. She pointed to a specific part that told me in more details than I wanted how a stallion should relieve his wife if the baby isn't hungry and the wife has swollen and turgid crotchtits.

I turned back and looked at Celestia. "What the fuck kind of magazine is this?" I asked.

She closed the magazine and picked me up again, putting me back to her nipple. I sighed against it, making it nice and perky, before putting my mouth around the entire areola and… 'sucking and pulling.' I was soon rewarded with warm and actually very tasty milk.

How? Magic, that's how.

When I felt close to bursting, I pulled away. I could actually see myself asking to do that part again, if I thought I could get away with it. She held me up again, and I felt through the stupid outfit I was wearing that the hand that wasn't holding me against her chest was wet._ She was getting off to that. _"Now wasn't that fun?" I smiled, since babies don't talk.

She pulled me back and put my head over her shoulder. I had time to wonder what she was doing before she started gently tapping my back. _She's trying to burp me. This'll be interesting._ A minute later she gave up. _Well, I guess it wasn't that interesting after all._

She sat me back on her lap and continued rocking for a few moments, humming. "I'm thinking… exercise next?" She lifted me way into the air. "Flap your wings!" she said in a baby voice. I couldn't stop myself from face palming this time. "Come on, Nav, you can do it!" I flapped my wings for her, trying to put on that stupid smile I always seem to see babies with. After about half a minute of aimlessly doing that, she pulled me in for a small hug. She stood up like that and carried me over to the table and laid me down. She grabbed my feet and started pushing my legs or something.

I just let her do whatever. She put me through a few other exercises on the table before grinning. Her horn lit up and I felt something… twist inside of me.

Nothing happened.

I tilted my head, blinking. She furrowed her brow and poked me in the stomach. "Well that was supposed to do something. Do you feel okay?"

I figured that was my cue to talk. "I felt something twist inside me, like a small stomach cramp. What did you do?"

She turned me over and poked my ass. "Um… Nav?"

I sighed as she flipped me back over. "First, ew. Second, what the fuck? Third, ever since Twilight melted my insides I can't… do that. Everything gets recycled. I save a fortune on toilet paper. Fourth, fucking _ew_."

She blinked a few times. "Huh." Then she gave me a lascivious grin. "Well, I have a backup idea." Her hands went to my wings and the molestation of a lifetime began. Right when I was about to peak someone slammed on the door and Celestia jerked my wings in surprise. Imagine getting kicked in the dick and you'll have a reasonable approximation of what that felt like.

("Weirdness over")

"Do not move," Celestia said in a voice that could kill gods. I don't think I could move if I wanted to, with as much pain as that put me in. Her horn lit up like the sun as she changed back.

She slammed the door open with the fury of the goddess and I think the guard that was knocking pissed himself. I'm not joking, I actually heard water hitting the floor.

"What."

"P-p-p-princess, w-w-we have an e-e-emergency!"

She was silent. "Bring me Cadance at once. Sprint, soldier." I had a bad feeling. The door clicked shut and Celestia walked back over. In a very consoling voice, she said, "Nav—"

"Don't you dare leave me with her," I said, standing up. "Don't you dare."

"I can't leave you alone and I can't turn you back. Even _I _have limits. I'm already exhausted from turning to a human and back to a pony. Turning you back to normal would be too much for me. But again, I can't just leave you here alone."

"Why the fuck not?"

"Because I have enemies, Navarone. I will not risk having you hurt by somepony that wants to hurt me by hiding in my room. As long as you keep up the act and don't talk, I can convince her that this was a magical mistake and that she is to consider it a state secret. She thinks you're a baby, you get played with until I can pawn the emergency off on Luna, and then I owe you more than I ever thought I would."

I crossed my arms. "You're fucking right you do. I swear to… Fuck." I waved a hand to the side of the room. "Hide my armor. Tell her Twilight fucked up and you decided to deal with it. Leave a knife somewhere I can reach it in case of emergencies." I held up a warning finger. "And Celestia? If she tries to play dress-up with me, I'm coming for you." I let my finger fall and looked around the room. "You can't just leave me here on the table…" I stretched my wings, glad to finally use them. I flew over to the bed and landed in the center. "Christ but that twist hurt. Be more careful with my wings, Celestia." When I was able to look around again, I saw that all of my armor was… somewhere, with one of my throwing knives on top of a dresser.

There was a gentler knocking at the door and I lied down. Celestia spread her wings to try to hide me from view and opened the door. "What did you need, auntie? Also… I think somepony spilled something on your floor."

Celestia sighed. "Cadance, what I'm about to show you is a state secret. Swear you will tell or show nopony else."

"Sure. Usually state secrets are too boring to share anyway." She tried peeking under one of Celestia's wings.

"That isn't a swear."

Cadance sighed. "Fine. I swear I won't tell anypony."

Celestia let her wings dropped and backed up. Cadance wasted no time barging in. Her eyes quickly darted around the room until they settled on me.

The sound she made would forever haunt my nightmares if I didn't have Flo to guard my mind.

When she finished trying to give me a heart attack by squeeing way too adorably, she attempted to rush over to the bed but was grabbed by Celestia's magic. "Cadance, calm down," Celestia told her. "You'll scare him like that." Celestia walked over to the bed and brushed my head with one of her wings. "Twilight messed up a spell and decided it would not be safe for him anywhere in Ponyville. You know how her friends are. However, something important came up and I am needed. I am trusting you with this, Cadance. You know how valuable he is. The spell should wear off by tomorrow. I will be back as soon as I can." Celestia walked over to the trembling form of Cadance and poked her in the chest. "Treat him as you would a more mature Skyla. Human babies are different from foals, I have found. _Very _different. All you need to do is watch him and make sure he doesn't get into trouble. Now, do you have any questions?"

"Have you fed him yet?" Celestia nodded. "Can I bring Skyla by to play?"

Celestia looked back at me for a moment. I gave a tiny shake of my head. She turned back and said, "I would prefer that you didn't. If you do, try to keep them apart. As I said, human babies are… different."

"Can I tell Shiny or Luna?"

"Absolutely not. You are not to leave my quarters with him for any reason other than the castle being on fire."

"So why is this a state secret, anyway? So Twilight messed up a youngifying spell, big deal. You remember the time she changed the gender of half the palace?" _Now that's a story I'll be asking Spike about._

"Because this is Navarone we're talking about. Trust me when I say that you have never seen him angry. I have. There were no survivors. One of his biggest buttons is being seen as weak in any way. If anypony points this out to him, that would likely make him as angry as hurting Taya." Now that's not tru—Yeah, I can't deny it. "Besides, you know he has enemies." I don't think I have any enemies anywhere near here that would be willing to actually hurt me, but whatever.

"…Can he talk?"

"He's a baby, Cadance. Don't be silly." Notice how she avoided lying. "Now I wish I could keep answering questions, but I really must find out what was so important." She dropped Cadance to the floor. "Be. Careful." With that last warning, she left.

Leaving me alone.

With Cadance.

Who turned on me as soon as the door clicked shut with a shark's grin. "We're going to have so much fun!"

I wish I knew how to cry like a baby.

I think she saw the fear on my face anyway, because she immediately calmed down. "Sh, sh, it's okay…" She reached her head out to nuzzle me in the chest. I got a funny idea.

As soon as her nose hit me, I wrapped my arms and legs around her face, holding on tightly. She pulled up and I held on, letting her carry me. I think I felt her grin and that's when I decided on the basic game plan.

I _could _hate every minute of this. I could just stare at Cadance like Taya did for way too long and make it boring and annoying for both of us. Or I could say fuck it and have as much fun as I could while she didn't know it was the actual me. She has fun, I have fun, and best of all she doesn't know I was fully aware of what was going on.

"That's _my _face, silly!" I felt her hooves go to my underarms and attempt to tickle me off her. Now, hooves aren't good for tickling but I was in full-on 'fuck it' mode here and giggled, squirming and letting go. "Aww, Celestia is just a big grumpy-whumps. I think this'll be a lot of fun!" She hopped up on the bed, holding me up. "Say, you don't mind if we go for a quick trip to get you a friend, do you?" I just continued smiling. I didn't really _want _to mess around with a baby alicorn, but I figured I could stay out of her way and she could stay out of mine. "Let's see…" She looked around the room before settling on the bed. "Duh!"

She gently set me down and used the large blanket to wrap me up. "Now you be still in there!" She left as much of my face uncovered as possible, and I definitely couldn't move even I wanted to. She picked the blanket up with her mouth and with a soft pop we teleported. She gently set me on the floor and whispered, "Shhh," before backing away. "Sorry to burst in like this, but I got a bit of free time." I had no clue who she was talking to. "Can you load some toys in this bag while I get her ready to move?"

"Of course, Princess," some random female voice answered.

A minute or two later, Cadance said, "Thank you. You're welcome to have the rest of the day off."

"Thank you, Princess. I might go down to Ponyville and visit that human. I met him the last time he was in the palace and he seemed… nice." Now I knew where I recognized that voice from. It was the mare I molested in exchange for silence.

"He's out of town; you'd just be wasting your time." With that, Cadance came back over to me, picked the blanket up again, and back we went to Celestia's room. She walked over to the bed and unwrapped me again before using magic to pull her nastily pink spawn off a little holster on her back. "Nav, this is Skyla. Skyla, this is Nav. Now you two play nice while I set up a little play area."

I looked over at Skyla. She looked at me. I held up a fist. She gave a mostly toothless grin and blew a spit bubble.

_Charming_. I removed my fist and nodded at her. _There goes the hope that babies here are secretly smart. Or maybe this one is just retarded._

Cadance came back over and interrupted my musings and Skyla's… whatever she was doing. "There we go." She picked Skyla up and set her on the floor before holding a hoof in front of me. I grinned and wrapped my arms around it and laughed as she lifted me up and over her, slowly setting me down on the floor. I think she was surprised when she realized I was able to actually stand. "Wow, she wasn't wrong about you being different! Already able to stand!" She shrugged. "Must be easier with two legs." _Fuck you're stupid._

She put her attention back on Skyla as I walked over to the play area she apparently set up for us. I studied the area quickly before deciding my best bet for fucking with Cadance while not blowing my cover was with the lettered blocks. By the time Skyla had been herded our way, I managed to spell out REDRUM.

Cadance looked over and grinned until she noticed what it actually spelled. "Huh. That's…" Then the realization _actually _hit her and the smile faltered. "Well that's creepy." I grinned up at her, pretending to be proud. She tousled my hair with a wing while using magic to surreptitiously rearrange the blocks.

I turned back and scratched my head, acting confused. The blocks now spelled HAPPY! Eventually I shrugged and started building. It wasn't until I had a city block by the time I realized just how many fucking blocks she had managed to fit into the bag. I looked over at my work with the biggest 'what the fuck' look I had, genuinely confused. _How on earth? Well, I guess it helps that I'm not on Earth. Or at least, not_ my _earth._

That's when I realized Cadance was constantly summoning blocks with magic or something, just to see what I would do. I was tempted to start juggling them, but my muscle mass decreased with my size loss and not even the magic whatever that usually sustains my stamina would help me with something like that. Also, it would probably blow my cover.

So instead I turned into Godzilla. It was surprisingly fun, and the feral grin I had on my face likely terrified Cadance.

"She _really _wasn't kidding about you being different. Or… maybe it's just little colts? It's been a while since I foalsat any of them. Meh." She lifted me with magic and sat me down in front of Skyla, who was shaking a set of toy keys.

I looked around the immediate vicinity, trying to tell what kind of toys I had at my disposal. Two rattles, another set of keys, and one of those shape matching things. _Why are their toys the same as ours? Fucking ponies._ I grabbed the shape thing and looked over at Skyla, figuring I can at least do some good while I was stuck.

I scooted over to the pink beast and very lightly poked her in the side. She gave me a look of pure rage that lasted all of a second before the happy smile came back. _Well that was terrifying_. I picked up one of the shapes and slid it into the proper slot before pushing the contraption over to her, holding up one of the shapes for her.

She slowly took it, looked at it, and then slipped it into her mouth. I gave her a disappointed look. She reached into her mouth and threw the thing dead at my head. I barely dodged to the side, but Cadance's magic caught it right before it would have hit me. A smattering of drool leaked down and fell into my lap.

"Now you two play nice!" Cadance said, slipping the block into the correct slot.

I moved away from Skyla. I'm smart enough to learn my lesson and if she didn't want to play nice I wasn't going to mess with her. I didn't want to risk being hurt and I didn't want to risk accidentally hurting her. I settled instead for moving over next to Cadance and climbing on top of her. Eventually I stood on top of her head, holding onto her horn and looking over my domain._ I have successfully scaled Mount Cadance. Now if only I had a flag to tie to her horn_. I considered for a moment stripping down and impaling the incredibly annoying diaper to it, but decided against it.

Just as I was about to sit down and get comfortable, Miss Bitchypants started bawling. Cadance reached up and grabbed me with her hooves before setting me back down on the floor. She walked over to Skyla and knelt down. She quickly jerked back, nose scrunched. Her horn lit up and the window opened. After that, she grabbed Skyla and carried her over to the changing table. She sang a song as she changed her daughter.

And this is where things got weird. As soon as she started singing, I heard something from the window. I turned my head over that way to see a panting pegasus silently land in the room, a unicorn on his back. The unicorn's horn started glowing and an aura lit up each hoof on the pegasus. He sprinted to the closet with no noise, quietly opened it, and slipped inside, closing it behind them.

_What the fuck? _I walked over to the door and put my ear to it. "Get off me, you lazy bum!"

I heard a few grumbles. "There. Now, let's just wait until she's asleep."

"What about the ugly monkey?"

"Who cares about a stupid pet? We're here for the cute one."

"Yeah, yeah, but if we took him he might fetch a high price on the black market. You know how much some ponies like weird pets."

"Ain't nopony gonna want to pay for something that ugly. Now shush."

…Whoever these two people were, I was going to kill them _extra _hard. I looked over to make sure my knife was still where Celestia left it. It definitely was. It was a throwing knife, which meant it wouldn't get too deep, but I could catch them by surprise.

Cadance was just about done, so I walked back over to the blocks and started writing cryptic statements in 1337. 4554551N5 1N C10537. G00N5 W47CH1NG. H31P 1M 7R4PP3D 1N 4 B10CK F4C70RY.

It's been a while since I worked with 1337, give me a break.

When I ran out of things to say, I looked around the room again. Skyla was banging two rattles together, presumably pretending my head was between them. Cadance was looking at some of what I wrote, scratching her head. "It's like words, but…"

Before she could actually decipher it, I began climbing her front leg again. She lifted it up, grinning at me. "You want to play?" She set me back down on the floor and kneeled down in front of me. She threw her wings in front of her face. "Where'd Nav go?" She lifted the wings aside. "There you are!" I smiled as she repeated the process a few times.

Then Skyla had to go and ruin the fun again by crying. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't particularly amusing to see Cadance flexing her wings, but the smile on her face was worth it.

Cadance trotted over to her daughter and picked her up. I saw Skyla flash a smug grin my way. _Oh, so that's how it is_. I have to admit, I was somewhat tempted to play her game, but then I realized I was about to try to compete with a baby for that baby's mom's attention. While I was an adult.

Fuck that noise. Instead, I built a bridge in front of the closet door so I would know as soon as it was opened. I noticed Cadance was crotchtit feeding Skyla and I watched that in morbid curiosity for a minute before shaking myself and going back to booby-trapping the floor and door. I jammed play-doh into the edge of the door to hopefully make opening it harder, though honestly I imagined it would just be hard to clean out.

Then I found out how semi-irresponsible Cadance was: She had a set of metal knucklebones. I guess they're called jacks by most people. To me they meant pain for sensitive hooves. I set them out in front of the closet door and pushed them into the carpet so that the points faced up.

I would have done more, but Cadance was starting to pay attention again and I didn't want her to notice. I carefully walked through my minefield over to the play area. I wanted to keep playing with the blocks, but Skyla decided to make that her domain, so instead I just wandered around the room, poking my nose in Celestia's personal business. Cadance was quick to stop me whenever I got near something that might hurt me, so I stayed away from the dresser with the knife.

I found out that Celestia actually _did _have some clothing. It was mostly frilly, lacy, and see-through. I had ideas for it later, and I had to rearrange my diapered self as I walked.

Very thankfully for me, it was nearing night when Celestia first teleported me, so it didn't take that long to get dark. When Skyla started yawning Cadance pulled me over with magic. "I know today has been really upsetting for you, Nav. I bet you're tired." Not really, but watching Skyla yawn was making me yawn so it was easy to fake it. "Unfortunately, I don't have a crib here for you. That just means you two get to sleep with me!"

At this point I actually liked the sound of that. Cadance is soft and squishy and would make a good pillow. However, sleeping on or near her means that it would be harder to sneak away. I quickly grabbed a blanket as she started arranging Celestia's bed around. I wrapped some blocks in it until I was hoping it weighed as much or around as much as I did and held it against myself, hoping she would let me lie down with it.

When she saw me holding the blanket and giving her a sad and tired look, she gave a small smile. "You can keep the blanket, Nav. Now come on up, both of you." Her magic lifted us into the air and she jumped onto the bed on her back, letting her wings unfurl. Skyla went to one side and I went to the other and she wrapped us both against her. With another flash of her horn the light clicked off.

_It might be harder to escape than I thought…_ I remember Cadance being a pretty heavy sleeper from my time in the caves, but I also remember her saying I kept her up all night when I was fucking Kumani outside her door.

I waited until I was sure she was asleep before slipping out of her grasp, leaving the blanket full of blocks there. She murmured something, but didn't wake up. I stretched out my wings and flew over to the dresser, grabbing the knife. With that in hand, I flew over to a tall bookcase near the closet and waited.

Almost an hour after I got into position, I heard whispering from inside the closet. "Now I'm going to cast a mute spell over both of us. I'll kill the girl and you get ready to fly us out."

"What about the monkey?"

"Forget the stupid monkey! Do you want to risk this getting traced back? Do you know what that cunt would do to us if she found us? It wouldn't be pretty."

That told me two things: One, they couldn't make a noise. Two, I had to kill the unicorn first. I was already going to do that because I didn't have my ring, but that just cemented it.

The door slowly opened, knocking over the blocks. It stopped when they heard the noise, and they waited for any kind of reaction. After a minute, they continued pushing the door open. The unicorn poked his head out first. I saw his mouth move but nothing came out. He stepped into the room and right onto a pin. He jerked back, his mouth opening wide as he looked down at his hoof and the jack now impaled into it. He snarled and shook his hoof away, knocking the thing off. Then he took another step and would have howled if he wasn't silenced. The pegasus followed him out, presumably snickering. He jumped into the air, bypassing the area as the unicorn cautiously tread over the traps I set.

Him paying attention to that meant he didn't hear me take off from my bookshelf. I landed on his back, using both of my hands to slam the knife down into his neck, on his spine. His head jerked up, his eyes opened wide, and I saw his mouth open in a silent scream as I tried to twist the knife out. He was dead, he just didn't know it yet. The back of his body did, since it fell to the ground when it stopped getting instructions from his brain because his spinal cord was severed.

Unfortunately, him falling like that meant my knife got trapped in bones and I couldn't pull it out. His partner turned when he heard the guy fall. It was night out and there was a new moon so he couldn't see me, but he did know his partner was on the floor. I let go of the knife and scurried away, hoping he wouldn't notice me. He walked over and nudged his partner a few times with a hoof.

When he finally realized the other guy wasn't getting up at all, he looked close to panicking. I picked that moment to fly over to his face and use both of my hands to punch his eyes while I was flying. He reared back, slamming his hooves in front of him. I tried dodging, but one of them managed to hit one of my wings, sending me spinning to the ground and onto some of the jacks. It hurt, but he was spinning around, trying to find whatever had hit him.

I rolled over to his buddy's body and tried to shift him around so I could pull my knife out. It just would not fucking budge!

The living one noticed the dead one moving and walked over again, poking him on the back. He hit just the right spot and finally realized his friend had a knife in the neck and was very dead. His shock allowed me the perfect opportunity to jump up and bite him on the neck.

Now, if I was full sized and had all my strength, it would have ended very poorly for him. As a tiny version of me, I only had enough force to break skin and taste blood. It was enough to make him to panic, though, since he's a prey animal getting bitten. He used both of his front hooves to throw me away. I slammed into his friend's body, putting my back right into the center of the handle of my knife.

This had the dual purpose of hurting like hell and knocking my knife loose. I managed to stand and grab the knife from where it had fallen on the carpet.

The guy was looking everywhere, his head shaking around as he backed toward the window. He was, quite literally, jumping at every shadow he saw. I spread my wings and jumped into the air, getting as close to the ceiling as I could before I gave this fucker the same treatment I gave his friend. As he fell, I whispered, "You fucked with the wrong monkey, bub. Tell that to your friend in hell."

I hopped off his lifeless back, leaving the knife there. I padded my way over to the door, finally thankful for the shitty onesie I was in since it made my footfalls silent. I slowly turned the door handle, opening it as quietly as I could. And then I just slipped out and into Celestia's anteroom.

I was sitting on a couch for twenty minutes before a very pissed off Celestia got back. She took one look at me and just raised her hoof to her face. She stepped inside and shut the door with magic.

"We have a problem," I said.

"Did Cadance find out the ruse?" she quietly asked. "That would be my luck, given how this day went."

"Worse. I killed two assassins that were trying to kill Skyla."

She blinked, taking almost a full minute to process that. Then she took in my appearance and saw the blood on me. "Well. I didn't use nearly as much magic as I was expecting to use on this emergency, so I have the spare magic to turn you back." She picked me up with magic and undressed me; I would have done so already but the zipper was at the perfectly wrong position and I couldn't get it all the way down. When I was fully unclothed, her horn lit up much brighter and I turned back. "I assume she's still asleep?"

"Yeah," I answered as I wrapped a conveniently placed blanket around myself. "Never once woke up. Go in there, pull the bodies out, and we never tell her this happened."

"I have a… different idea. Come."

"Speaking of cumming…" I muttered as I followed her to the door. She swatted me with her tail, not even gracing that with an answer. She opened the door and flipped the light switch.

Cadance flinched and leaned up, bleary-eyed. As soon as she realized I wasn't next to her she jerked. As her eyes started searching the room, she saw the bodies. Both of her hooves went to her mouth and tears formed in her eyes.

"You were very lucky Navarone turned back when he did," Celestia said, walking in.

I followed her in, holding the blanket up. "Last thing I fucking remember was Twilight's horn lighting up. I swear, every spell she casts fucks up somehow. Next thing I know I'm naked and killing assassins." I walked over to the pegasus body and pulled out my knife, wiping it off on his coat.

I don't know if Cadance was paying attention. Tears were streaming down her face. Not long after I finished my little monologue, Skyla started crying.

I groaned. "God I hate the sound of crying babies." I walked over to the body of the unicorn and pushed it over with my foot, seeing if he had anything on him. There was nothing but a bulging purse. I grabbed it and said, "Dibs."

"I do not know why these two were here," Celestia said, "but—"

"I do," I answered. "I heard one of them say 'kill the kid.' Er, foal, not kid. Habit." I walked over to the changing table and dumped the bag. At least a hundred bits, probably the advance pay. It also came with a note that I quickly scanned. "Yep, here to kill Skyla." I held it up. Celestia's magic pulled it over and she read it more thoroughly.

I heard someone open the front door of Celestia's room and I got my knife ready to throw. In walked Luna. "Sister, I—Sweet moon! GUARDS!" Ten seconds later we had two guards in here, gaping at the bodies.

Celestia turned to them. "Get a search party together. Search every room in the palace, starting with Luna's. Detain anypony not on the palace roster. Bring Shining Armor here immediately. These two got in somehow."

I looked over to the still-open window. "If I had to guess, it was through the window."

Celestia nodded. "Most likely. Guards, move!" They sprinted out to do her bidding.

Luna looked over to me. "Not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you here? And naked?"

"I wish I could tell you," I said with a shrug. "I have no idea what the fuck happened. I woke up on the bed, found one of my throwing knives on a dresser, saw these two walk out, and dealt with them after I heard them whispering about killing Skyla. Celestia, what the hell?"

"Twilight turned you into a baby. That's the only explanation we have time for. Luna, can you… deal with these bodies? And here's the note they had." She passed the note over to Luna, who read over it.

When she finished she nodded. "I will take care of it and send tendrils out. Somepony knows something and I will find them." Her horn lit up and the two bodies picked themselves off the floor, blood dripping from their necks. "Better anywhere than with a crying foal," I heard her mutter as she walked out, the bodies trailing her.

I finally looked over to Cadance and saw her rocking back and forth on the bed, cradling Skyla against her furry chest. They were both crying. I walked over to the bed and threw the baby blanket and blocks out of the way before sitting down and wrapping an arm and a wing around Cadance.

"It's alright, lass. You're both fine."

Celestia quickly took a position on the other side of her, wrapping another wing around her. We did our best to comfort her, but her eyes never left the bloodstains.

I think Shining Armor probably made record time to Celestia's room. He may not have known what happened, but the bloodstains and the terrified Cadance told him enough. I hopped up as he jumped toward the bed, letting him take my position. I decided it might be best to give them some time, so I walked out. Celestia followed me.

When she shut the door and we were alone, I poked her in the chest. "You. Owe. Me." Each word was punctuated with another poke.

"Yes I do. More than I already did."

I walked over to the couch I was on before, lying down. "And fuck do you have a weird fetish. What the hell was the emergency, anyway?"

"A fire in the city. It's clear now that it was a distraction. I don't know how many assassin teams they must have sent if one of them ended up in my room to attack Skyla. They could have—"

The door to the hall slammed open and Shining Armor walked in. Celestia and I shared a look before we both jumped to the door hiding Celestia's room. Celestia's magic tore it open just as a body of a changeling flew out, ramming into Celestia's face and knocking her on her ass.

Shining Armor gasped and tried running past, but I grabbed his tail and swiped his flank with my knife. It bled red and I let him attend his wife. When he got into the other room, I checked on Celestia. She had a minor nosebleed, nothing major.

She lifted a hoof to her nose, finding the blood. "I haven't seen my own blood in years," she murmured.

I patted her on the equine shoulder equivalent. "Welcome to mortality, population everyone." I held my hand out. "Now come on. You need to be seen by the palace staff."

She somehow grabbed my hand with her nonbloody front hoof and stood. She didn't actually pull on me or anything, since that would end with me on the floor. "Nav, I need you to stand guard on Cadance and Shining Armor." Her horn lit up and my armor appeared from wherever it had been. With it came my sword. "Nopony gets in without their blood being checked."

I let the blanket fall and slid on my dingy pants, glad to finally have clothes on. "Again I say: You owe me," I told her as I started putting armor on. "And you better make sure Twilight covers for me, if Cadance or Luna asks."

"I'm not a fool, Navarone. I've already sent the letter. I will also tell Cadance and Luna not to ask her about it later."

When I got fully dressed, she left and I took up a position next to the door to the room with Cadance and Shiny. It wasn't closed this time, so I could hear everything going on within.

I'll not print it here.

Sometime later, they came out. Shining Armor led a trembling Cadance, a sleeping Skyla secured in a saddle thing on Cadance's back. I had covered the changeling body because I really didn't want to look at that. Shiny stopped in front of me and pulled me down in a hug. I attempted to pull away because it wasn't exactly comfortable, but he made it quite clear that resistance was futile.

When he finally pulled back, I saw that his eyes were rimmed with red. "Thank you, Navarone. You saved the love of my life and my child again." He forced a grin and added, "You're making me look bad."

I shrugged and answered, "That won't make me stop. You just need to step up your game, Shiny. I'll escort you two to your room and then I'm going home."

He nodded. "I'll lead the way. You stay near Cadance." He pushed the hallway door open, peeking both ways. Cadance followed him when he deemed it was safe and I followed her, drawing my sword just in case. I walked next to Cadance through the halls.

"You know," I commented, "I figured the castle would be safe against this kind of shit. I mean, sure Chrysalis fucked you guys up, but that was a queen. Three assassins shouldn't be able to just get in here."

"There was a fire in the city," Shining Armor answered. "I believe now that it was set to get as many guards away from the palace as possible, since so many of them are pegasi. We'll know more information soon, hopefully."

"Well, if you ever find out who hired these guys, let me know. I got some murder to do."

"Normally I don't agree with your punishment ideas, but this time…" He looked back at Cadance and Skyla. "This time, I think you might be right." That's not a good sign.

I decided not to comment, though. We made it the rest of the way in silence. Shiny did another once-over on their room in case the guards that searched it before missed anything.

"Alright, if you two are set I'm going home," I told them, putting my sword up.

Shiny gave his wife a look before turning back to me. "I'll try to stop by your home as soon as I can, Navarone. We need to talk about something."

"Sure. If I'm not there I'm probably in town. Don't freak out about my changeling maid or my timber dog." The way he acts, he's hardly a wolf.

"I really want to ask questions about that, but it can wait. I will see you soon, Navarone."

I waved before walking back down the hall, trying to find a window I can sneak out of without Luna or Celestia finding out I left.


	71. Chapter Sixty-Nine

Chapter Sixty-Nine

A note from Discord

When I found out there were assassins attacking Skyla…

There is a place I find myself when I get angry. When I am in my usual mood, I bluster and I pretend to be foolish because it's amusing and it catches everyone off guard.

But when I get angry, you are in the eye of the storm.

"TRIXIE!" She scrambled through the caves to attend me. She didn't get there fast enough for my liking and I slammed a fist through reality and plucked her from time, bringing her to me. "We're going on a trip," I told her. "Make no sound. Watch. Do not act unless I tell you to." I snapped my fingers, teleporting us into the room where Navarone stood guard over a dead changeling. With time broken, he couldn't move. I walked over to the corpse and swiped my hand through it, gleaning the information I needed.

My eyes went unfocused as I looked through walls over miles to find the target I sought. I snaked an arm to Trixie, who was glaring at my puppet. I dragged her to another target elsewhere in the palace, a new guard who was fired with the fervor of an old cult I created, not expecting it to ever cause me problems. This guard happened to be watching the courtyard and allowed two assassins to sneak in.

"Watch, Trixie," I whispered as I casually poked the earth pony on the nose. The color slowly left his eyes as I absorbed the information he knew. "Tell me what I did to him," I murmured, backing toward her.

She looked him over, parts of her horn glowing in its placement field. "Changed his brain. You took out his standard inhibitors. He'll experience everything, have no ability to shut any fear or excitement out."

"Such is the price for helping to ruin my plans. Come, we have a mastermind to find." I put Trixie over one of my shoulders as I followed a trail of crumbs from the one guard in Canterlot to a donkey in Manehatten to an old sheep in Trottingham to a young unicorn in Ponyville to Manehatten to Maris to Warsow and finally to an extremely old monastery tucked away in southern China, one of two places in the world that had any special significance to me at all.

I want to say it hurt for me to see it defiled so, but I think I gave up the feeling of pain shortly before I memorialized the original Navarone.

Trixie and I brushed past the guards of the monastery, pony warrior monks who trained for a fight they would now never see. We walked straight to the center of the building, Trixie taking time to admire architecture originally made by humans in a time before ponies knew anything even existed.

I stopped in front of the grandmaster of the cult and snapped my fingers, turning time back on. The old pony looked at me, no surprise in his eyes. "So," he hoarsely whispered, voice weak from disuse. "It will end as it was written."

"As it was written…" I whispered, thinking. _I don't remember telling this cult their future._ "Well, it doesn't matter to me how it ends or not. I created this cult four thousand years ago through whispers in the wind, and I'll destroy you just as easily. You've served your purpose and now you're attempting to ruin my plans."

"Like it or not, monster, there is but one true goddess. We will kill all the other false goddesses or die trying."

I grinned. "Oh, who said anything about _dying_? I think it's about time I started leaving more noticeable clues. I gave Luna enough paranoia that she should be here within two months. Some of you might still be alive by then. Trixie, go toy with the others. The feud I have with the grandmaster is… personal."

She grinned and walked back, pieces of her horn lighting up as she thought up plans.

The old man glared at me defiantly. "You may do as you like to me, but the true path will never die! The Sun will rule and she will rule alone!"

I held up my talons. "Tell me old man, you who sits in silence and contemplates the mortal you call a goddess… Do you ever wonder what time looks like? What eons feel like? What it is truly like to _be _a god?" I set a single talon on his forehead. "Let me show you eternity."

His screams were like music to me.

No one attempts to ruin my plans. Never again.

I was about to put all of my armor back on for another training bout with the naga when my door opened and in walked cat butt.

"Wasn't expecting to see you back here so soon," I told Gilda, turning to face her. I only had my greaves on, so far, so it's not like I wasn't decent.

"Yeah, me either. I wasn't expecting to be back so soon. I was planning on selling my old man's estate and living free off the gold forever, but my mom and one of my new employees convinced me to keep it instead. But I don't know the first thing about managing an estate, so I got someone hired to do it for me. He gets ten, my mom gets ten, the employees get twenty, and I get the rest. Seems like a fair deal to me for doing nothing."

"Damn right. Still, with the kinda dosh you're racking in, I'm surprised to find you here of all places."

She shrugged. "I figured I could pay my respects to the guy who made it possible. And since I remembered you saying something about making peace with the bug you got here, I found a way to do both at once."

I lifted an eyebrow. "Threesome?" I asked, a smile forming.

She answered my smile with a darker one. "Not quite." With that, she pounced on me. While I could potentially overpower a griffin and do a ton of damage to one if I could get my hands on them, she knew my capabilities well and stopped me from doing that. "Now, you just sit tight and relax. Doppel said you're into stuff like this, so chill out!"

I quickly found that she was dragging me to the bed. The 'chill out' was in response to me struggling. "She was wrong!" I yelled out as I felt one of my arms clanged against my overly large bed. Gilda pulled out a set of handcuffs from God knows where and that was that for my left arm. She caught my right arm and pulled it over to the other bedpost.

"Well, either way you told me to make peace with her. She asked me to do this for her and here I am." When my right arm was secure, she patted me on the cheek. "But honestly, I don't think you'll much mind." She hopped off my body and grabbed some rope from the same places she got the handcuffs and began trying to grab my kicking feet. "This would be a lot easier if you would stop fighting."

"I would stop fighting if you would stop trying to tie me down!"

Surprisingly enough, she stopped. "Alright, fine. She asked me to make sure you didn't go anywhere, and you aren't going anywhere, not unless that bed goes with you." She let the rope go and slid off the bed. "Maybe if you're still… 'up' for it, I'll come in for seconds!"

[sex goes here—I had to, it's chapter sixty-nine. ctrl+f "Sex is over" to skip]

As I'm sure you can imagine, I was not in the best of moods right then. I think the term for the state I was in when Doppel walked in was 'pissed as almighty hell.'

So I'm sure you can imagine why she was confused. When she walked in and saw me glaring a hole through her, she sniffed at the air, let her tongue drip from her mouth for a second, and said, "You aren't turned on by this at all."

"You think?" That was not my nice voice.

"I could have sworn… What was that taste in the baker's room?"

"That baker was in heat. And so was one of her friends."

Her eyes lit up. "Oooooh! Yeah, that makes sense." She looked down at the keys she was holding to the cuffs. "Well, I wasn't expecting to use these so soon." Her wings fluttered out and she flew over to my bed. She undid the cuffs on my arms and I sat up, rubbing at them.

Then I grabbed her by the throat and rolled over on top of her. "You want to know my fetish?" I whispered, pinning down her front hooves. "Turning the tables." I grabbed one of the handcuffs and fit it through one of the holes in her hooves. Since I knew her hoof span wouldn't be enough to handcuff both hooves to the front of the bed, I just cuffed her front hooves together.

"You know, this is really unnecessary!"

"Yeah, it is." I tucked her under an arm and strung the same rope between her back hooves before looping them around the bedposts close to the headboard. "But you were going to rape me so I figure it's only fair I toy with you." I let her go and she flopped down to the bed, belly first, head facing the door. "One more touch…" I walked around and grabbed her hoofcuffed legs and stretched them out before running the rope between the cuffs and tying one end to each bedpost, leaving her very immobile. "I'm no boy scout, but it gets the job done. Now I'm sure you're wondering why you're belly down."

"Meh. I'm just waiting for the fucking, now."

"Excellent question! As I'm sure you're probably not aware, I've been raped a lot. Oddly enough, that's given me a penchant for being on the bottom." I walked over and lifted her up before sliding myself under her, her mouth to my crotch and her bughood to my face. "Now if you give me some good attention—and watch the fucking teeth—I'll give you a good time."

"Of course, master." The sultry tone she said that in put me at half-mast. Feeling her creepily long changeling tongue guide me into her mouth did the rest of the way. Doppel was by no means as good as Chrysalis, but I was still reeling from Celestia's abuse of me the day before and was just looking for a chance to get relief. As my little changeling maid plied her tongue to my favorite head, I knew I found my relief.

"Ooh, that's a good girl. Whatever they teach you in maid school was well worth it." Remembering my end of the deal, I grabbed her legs and pulled her in close enough to get a whiff of her sex. From the wetness, I could tell she was very into it. I took a long lick down the center of her trench and felt her shudder, changing the way her tongue writhed across my manhood. I pushed my tongue inside and tasted a musk that was missing in Chrysalis.

_Eat love, you taste sweet. Eat lust, you taste musky. Makes sense._ This taste seemed to facilitate and create more lust, because I couldn't get enough of it, and felt myself slowly start humping into her mouth as I ate her out. I felt myself hitting the back of her throat and her taking me in with no problems, her tongue massaging me the entire way.

I pulled a hand in to rub the inside of her folds as I lapped at her clit before taking it between my lips and pretending it was a little boy and I was Michael Jackson. She began to grind into my fingers and face, leaking light green fluid onto me. I lapped up what I could eagerly, happy to get all the lust I could. I could tell we were driving each other near to the limit.

Oddly enough, I peaked first, giving her a taste of my human seed that she eagerly lapped down, sucking on my slowly shrinking member to make sure she got every last drop. She didn't last much longer than I did, though, and soon enough I was lapping at her slit, trying to get as much of the musky-tasting liquid from her as I could before I actually had to find out what it was like to change my own sheets for once.

I pulled myself out of her mouth with a little pop and she sighed. "Tasty," she whispered. "Can I make a request, master?"

"You may," I answered, slipping out from under her.

"Can I look you in the eye during?"

Well that would be a new one. I looked her over, trying to determine how I could do it while leaving her tied up. I quickly got an interesting idea. "Yes." I walked over and untied her front legs, letting her lean up. I pulled the rope out and picked her up, sitting under her. I pushed her back until she was against the head board, scooting forward all the way. Soon her legs were completely spread and her back was against the wall. I sat in front of her, grabbed her front hooves, and pushed them over my head, leaving them against my back. I pulled her smooth body against mine, leaving us pretty close to eye to eye.

"Another request that we would both like?" she asked. "Let me eat your emotions as you have them."

I lifted an eyebrow. "Do you think I'm stupid? That's how you guys got Shiny. I see that horn glowing during this, I'm cutting it off."

She looked insulted. "Master, I would never hurt you."

"Yeah. And the best way to ensure that is to never give you the chance. Now, shall we?" In the time it took me to get back into position, I got ready to go again. She was in the perfect position as she was, though it probably couldn't be that comfortable. I didn't wait for an answer because I didn't want to hear one, just gently easing in.

She caught her breath as she molded her body to me, giving a nice, tight fit. "Oooh, that's the stuff," she whispered, licking her lips. She gave me an Eskimo kiss as I set a nice, slow pace, pushing in and out of her depths with ease. I decided to forego the nose stuff and locked lips with her, teasing my tongue around her fangs.

I was reminded again that Doppel does not care for teasing. Her long tongue slid over mine and down my throat as she pulled me in with the hooves wrapped around my neck. I couldn't pull back and she didn't look like she was wanting to budge. So I put my hands on her flanks, lifted her up, and brutally hilted her. She moaned into my mouth, but kept her tongue in place. Hell, she started to gyrate it, just to piss me off. Since she was so light, I was able to keep lifting her up and impaling her, so that's just what I did.

Her tongue slithered out of my mouth and I slowed the pace down, pushing into her soft insides at an agonizingly wonderful pace. "Ooh, master…" she whispered, biting her lip and closing her eyes. She had a blush visible outside of her carapace, which was just adorable.

I grinned at the slow deterioration of sanity on her face as I tenderized her. Eventually her eyes slammed open and locked with mine and I felt her lady parts undulating. She brought her muzzle in and kissed me again, filling my mouth with her tongue but thankfully not going down my throat. Her tongue wrapped around mine as I slowly picked up the pace of my thrusts, planning to fill my little maid with all the lust she needed.

She appreciated my attempts and started trying to buck in time with my thrusts, though there wasn't much she could do since I was holding her up.

I heard the door click open behind me and figured it was Gilda, here to watch or take part. I kept going on Doppel to give her a show and Doppel pulled away from the kiss, putting her head over my shoulder.

"Keep going, master," she whispered before moaning and nibbling at my ear with her little fangs. I took that as indication enough and continued picking up the pace before I had her bouncing like a dryer on high. Unfortunately, this meant I built my pleasure way too quickly. I didn't really care that much since she came at least twice already and I had Gilda behind me waiting for more. Doppel noticed that I was slowing down and figured I was close. "Fill me up, Master," she said, her head next to my ear and her mouth dripping with lust.

With a few more thrusts, I let myself erupt and paint her pink insides with a new coat of white. She moaned and pulled me tight against her before biting into my shoulder with her fangs. Normally that would piss me off, but the mix of pain and pleasure made me thrust one last time, setting her off again and making her drench me with more fluids.

Then I heard a throat clear behind me.

("Sex is over")

When I heard that throat clear behind me, I realized immediately that it was not Gilda. I closed my eyes wearily and sighed, still holding Doppel up. "Who is that?" I quietly asked her.

"Enjoy the show, Princess Cadance?" Doppel asked, holding me tight.

"Nav, whenever you finish up here, my husband and I are waiting downstairs to talk to you." With that, Cadance left, closing the door behind her.

I sighed and pulled myself away from Doppel, letting her flop to the bed. "I'm tempted to let you stew in our juices, but you would probably enjoy that," I told her, reaching over to where I tied her back legs to the bedpost. I untied her and pulled her up before grabbing the handcuff keys and undoing her front legs. "Clean up. I would help, but apparently I have guests." With her free, I walked to the bathroom that was connected to my room and washed my lower body off.

When I came back in, Doppel was gone and with her went my bed sheets. _At least she can do something right. _I threw on a pair of pants and went downstairs, not bothering to try to look formal.

I regretted my decision when a royal guard stopped me in my hallway. "Sorry sir, I can't let you pass."

I looked down on him. "Get the fuck out of my way before I move you."

"That's him!" Shiny called from my living room. The guard stepped aside, glaring at me as I walked past. He could glare all he likes. You don't come into my house and tell me where I can and can't go.

When I got to the living room I found Shiny holding a happy looking Skyla, another guard, Cadance, and Gilda. I gave Gilda a mean look. "Don't tell people I'm in my room and they don't need to knock when you know I'm fucking the maid." Shiny and Gilda both burst out laughing. Cadance smiled, but didn't comment. The guard joined the others in sniggering. "Yeah, laugh it up, Shiny. Just remember to keep laughing the next time your wife walks in while I'm balls deep in a changeling and she has your body." Gilda was really laughing now, but Shiny was down to blushing. The guard was choking back laughter, wanting to but not wanting to risk his commander's anger. I snagged my armchair and leaned back in it, putting my hands behind my head. "Now what do you need?"

"We were talking to Princess Celestia—" Cadance started before Shiny interrupted.

"Can Cadance live here until the assassins are all caught?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Sure. No guards, though. Tell no one she's here, don't let anyone see you leaving or coming, keep the baby quiet at night, and help around the house when you can." The first two were directed at Shiny, the second two at Cadance.

"Nav, she needs to be protected! I have to leave her some guards."

I looked over to my occasional bed warmer. "Gilda, how long are you going to be here?"

She shrugged. "As long as I feel welcome, I guess."

I looked back to Shiny. "I have a griffin, a naga, me, Taya, a changeling, and Cadance herself to protect her. If we need anything more than that, one or two guards aren't going to make a difference. Those are my conditions, take them or leave." I didn't feel like mentioning the fact that I probably wouldn't be around the house that much.

Shiny looked to his wife. "It's up to you, honey."

She nodded. "I trust Nav. If anypony knows how to keep me safe, it's him." Well isn't that more pressure than I wanted?

He sighed and nodded. "Fine. No royal guards. Though I have to ask… Why not, Nav?"

I shrugged. "I don't trust anyone in my house that doesn't have a reason to be loyal to me, especially if they have a reason to be more loyal to Celestia or Luna." I didn't want the plans for the generator to get to them, after all.

He jerked back. "Are you plotting treason?"

"Yes, I definitely am. And the first person I'm going to tell is the captain of the guard who is definitely loyal to the princesses and would never be swayed against them." I let it sink in for a moment how retarded of a question it was he asked before continuing, "No, I just don't want anyone here that has no obligation to do as I ask or command. If they were night guards, we'd talk. But I have no authority or rank with day guards."

"Actually, about that…" Shiny started, rubbing the back of his neck. "The other captains and ranking guards were quite impressed with the tale of what you did. There was talk of giving you an honorary rank in the guard."

I shook my head. "Not interested. I told you this a while ago but you were drunk at the time so you probably don't remember. I kill people, I don't arrest them."

"Honorary rank isn't the same thing as actual rank. You will be given the respect of an officer of the same rank, but you will not be given orders and lower ranking guards will be under no obligation to follow the orders you give."

"Then it's worthless. Again, I'll pass. I already have enough meaningless honorifics." And the fewer ties I have to the royal sisters the better.

"Well, I can't force you to take it. I can, however, force you to take the Royal Savior star."

I face palmed. "And what," I groaned through my hand, "is that?"

I didn't need to see his face; I could feel the shit-eating grin. "When somepony goes above and beyond to help protect or save the life of a member of the royal family, they are awarded the title of Royal Savior and given a Royal Savior star as a trophy. They also get a sizable monetary reward." He paused for a moment and I assumed he was either shrugging or patting Skyla's head. "Normally the trophy is given by the family member that was saved as thanks, but I think Skyla would be hard pressed to pass you any kind of reward. Cadance will take her place, since Skyla _is _our life." _That's just cheesy as fuck._

I looked back up. "When's the bloody ceremony?"

Cadance answered, "In two days." Her habitual grin grew wicked. "Time enough to make sure every news agency hears of it."

I sighed, ruffling my feathers. "You are the worst people…" I needed an excuse to go to Canterlot anyway, though. I needed to drop those bits off with the unicorns and I didn't want anyone to know I went to Canterlot for just that reason. "My turn for a question, then. Why here, with me? I'm sure you can fortify the palace much better than you could this place."

Shiny grimaced. "Luna found one of the conspirators very quickly. He was an imbalanced fool that should never have been allowed entry into the palace, let alone the guard. But if he was allowed entrance, it made all of us think. If there was one infiltrator, what if there were more? The guards I would have given you were tested and found to be absolutely loyal to the princesses."

"Okay, so she couldn't be in the palace. Sure, I guess. But I mean, why _here_? Surely there are other castles you have that are more fortified than this place."

He shook his head. "Castles and fortresses have fallen out of style in most of Equestria these days. There are still a few old ones dotted around, but most are crumbling ruins. The few that still house people are turned into little more than manors and tourist spots and are so modified that they have no military or defensive value. This is quite possibly one of the most fortified homes in mainland Equestria right now."

Before I could reply, my little pet came trotting into the room, a dead mouse held happily in his jaws. The guard scrambled up and jumped in front of Cadance before he realized the wolf was walking to me. He dropped the rat and wagged his wooden tail happily.

"That's… disgusting," Cadance said.

"Yeah, it is," I replied, patting the wolf on the head. "I don't know how the hell he got inside, because I know there are no rats in the house."

The naga followed the wolf in. "There are a few ponies in terrible armor outside, Navarone. They attempted to obstruct my entrance." He grinned, showing off his teeth. "I think they will not question a naga again. Are you ready to train?"

_Well, that explains how the wolf got in._ "Kinda in the middle of something, mate." I looked back down at the wolf. "I don't eat rats." I pointed at the rat then at the wolf. "You eat it," I told him. He blinked a few times, clearly confused, before gobbling the thing up. Cadance pressed her hoof to her temple, probably regretting her decision. I looked over to her. "He's a good dog, just untrained. He won't hurt Skyla." I looked down at him. "Don't hurt the small pink one." I swear I heard a sigh from him, but I wasn't going to comment. I looked back up to Cadance. "So when are you moving in?"

"As soon as possible," she answered. I felt wood scraping against my feet and looked down to see he curled up on my feet. "I didn't bring much for Skyla in case you said no, but I can get most of the rest when we go back to Canterlot."

"Awesome." I leaned back, scratching at the stubble on my face. "So… do you know how to cook?"

"Of course. Why?"

"Because Doppel can't cook for shit and I forgot most of what I knew. I was planning on bringing Pinkie by one day soon but I don't want her anywhere near my kitchen if I can help it." She's a good cook, but messy. "If you teach me to cook pony food and Gilda can teach me how to cook meat, I'll be in a good place."

Her ears drooped. "I… I can do that. As long as it isn't at the same time."

"Cool. Bedrooms are on the middle floor. Take any one you want that isn't occupied, preferably one away from anyone else in case the baby cries at night. You know where the kitchen is. I'm sure you can explore to find anything else."

She nodded and walked over to Shiny. I heard them whispering before Cadance kissed him and gently grabbed the baby. Cadance walked over to where the staircase was, presumably finding a room to take. Shiny grabbed the guard and pulled him close, whispering something to him. The guard nodded and walked out the front door.

Then Shiny looked over to me. "Nav, you know how important they are to me. And I know this doesn't need to be said, but… Please be careful."

"Hey, you uphold your end and I'll uphold mine. You don't draw any attention here and I'll keep her safe. You start drawing attention here and we might start having problems. That's another reason I don't want royal guards. Long story short, though: Don't worry about it, man. I got this."

He nodded. "We both trust you. I'll come and visit as often as I can until we get this mess sorted out."

"Of course. But if you come and visit too many times I'll be forced to start the rumor that we're gay lovers and you're cheating on Cadance with me. I don't want any assassins to get the wrong message."

He grinned. "I understand." He stood up. "Be at the royal palace in two days by noon. Bring your armor and make sure it's well cleaned. And you should also have your axe."

"Sure, sure. I'm not retarded, Shiny."

"Just making sure. I'll see you in two days, then." With that, he walked out.

"So," the naga rumbled, "we're getting a new houseguest? And she is a pink pony princess?"

I sighed and answered, "Yep."

"I do not envy you, Navarone. Now come, let's practice."

Gilda finally spoke up. "Nav getting whooped across the yard by a naga? This I gotta see."

Sadly, her assumption was proven correct.

The first problem showed up that evening. "What do you mean you don't all eat together?" Cadance asked in shocked disbelief.

I crossed my arms. "The naga only eats meat. Gilda eats whatever the fuck she wants, whenever she wants. Doppel eats raw emotion. I occasionally eat meat and then whatever else and sometimes I mix it up. Taya is the only one here that sticks to a vegetarian diet. Well, not the only one anymore, with you and the wee one. Taya doesn't like the smell of cooking meat so I don't fix anything if Gilda or the naga bother using the kitchen." Usually they just cut up and cook whatever they find out in the woods where they find it, though they both tend to use my freezer to wrap up leftovers. "Whenever I do bother to make stuff so far it's just been me and Taya." Of course, I haven't exactly been here that often to cook, given that the past few weeks have been so hectic.

Cadance gave me a rather disapproving look, though it might have been mixed with pitying. "My family almost always ate together. That's what normal, loving families do, Nav."

"Taya is the only family I have. Back when I had a real family…" I thought back to that short period of time I could remember when my parents were still married before shaking my head. "We ate together when there were visitors or we were with extended family, just to put on a show. When they got divorced it usually ended up as every man for himself, make what you can when you wanted it." I couldn't tell if that was a look of shock or disgust on her face. Before she could say something I didn't want to hear, I said, "Make something if you want. Taya and I can eat with you, if whatever you make is edible. I won't ask the others to join us."

I patted her on the head and walked out before she could reply.

The second problem showed up that night. "Why is Taya still awake?" Cadance asked, walking in on her proofreading something for me while I wrote.

I shrugged. "Because she's not tired. Duh."

"Nav, fillies should be in bed by eight!"

I lifted an eyebrow. "Taya, do you want to go to bed?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine."

"If you want to go to bed I won't blame you. You can do this later or I can get someone else to do it."

"I just got to the part where Mat orders his men to kill the running woman. I want to see what happens."

"WHAT?!" Cadance yelled, using magic to rip the page away from Taya. "Fillies shouldn't be reading stuff like this!"

Taya and I both scoffed. "What," I said, "you expect her to read that shit you guys call books? There's a _reason _I'm writing books from my world, Cadance."

"Pony books are so dull," Taya said. "The ones Daddy writes are much better!"

"But… violence! Fillies shouldn't be reading things like that! This is probably why you attacked that griffin!"

We both shrugged. "He was attacking Daddy, so he had to be stopped," Taya answered.

And I said, "These things happen. Chillax, Cadance. Hell, shouldn't _you _be in bed?"

"I'm not going anywhere until Taya goes to bed."

I rolled my eyes. "Taya, when you finish that section go to bed."

"But—" I flicked my eyes over to Cadance for a second before looking back to her. She sighed. "Fine."

"Aren't you going to read her a bedtime story?" Cadance asked.

"Taya, do you want a bedtime story?"

She gave me a flat stare. "I'm not a child, daddy."

"There you go, Cadance. She doesn't want one."

Now it was Cadance's turn to give me that flat stare of 'what are you even thinking?' "She did not say that, Nav. She said that she wasn't a child, not that she didn't want a story."

I looked back to Taya but before I could ask she said, "No."

I looked back over to Cadance, who rolled her eyes. "I'm still not going anywhere until she goes to bed." She sat down right in my doorway, staring at us.

Two minutes later, Taya hopped off my bed and walked up to her, staring.

"If you want to get past somepony," Cadance said, "what do you say?"

Taya teleported past Cadance and walked on to brush her teeth.

Cadance blinked rapidly a few times. "_Teleportation_? Already?" She shook her head. "Nav, you need to teach her manners."

"She doesn't like you, Cadance. You came here and started trying to change things. That earns you no favors from anyone, including me. I'll admit that in this case you are correct, but that doesn't change the fact that you did it in the most overt way possible."

"Nav, if you're not doing something that's good for Taya and the rest of your… family, I guess, of course I'm going to point it out. She needs a mother figure, too, but I understand your luck with that and won't push it."

I grinned. "A mother figure would be hard-pressed to find acceptance with Taya. When I told her about the engagement with Gilda, she was… less than impressed. Now, you need to go to bed. I'll probably go work on that trebuchet some more."

"You aren't going to read her a story?"

"She said she didn't want one. I respect her wishes."

She sighed, shaking her head before standing up. "Fine. But before you leave, can you show me how to open my window just in case? I won't do it unless I need to sneak out, after what happened."

I waved her over as I walked to my window and demonstrated how to open it. She thanked me and walked out. The wolf followed me around my room as I grabbed some of the things I'd need and he followed me outside as I went to build.

And the morning just brought more problems. "Nav, are you just going to leave all these nails lying around?" Cadance asked disapprovingly.

"All of the nails are lying within an acceptable distance of the project, meaning that anyone that steps on one deserves the pain they'll get because they're too close to an unfinished project." I was having more trouble with it than I thought.

"That doesn't excuse you of not being safe! What if Taya steps on one?"

"Then she'll pull it out of her hoof and keep going because you guys don't really feel pain in your hooves?" Now, some of you are probably wondering why the jacks hurt the assassin's hoof. The answer to that is that it didn't actually hurt, it's just really uncomfortable and it makes walking very awkward. Or at least, that's how it was explained to me.

She lifted a hoof and opened her mouth to respond, but her mouth clicked shut after a moment of silence.

I smirked. "You were saying?"

"Fine! What about your weapons and tools? What if Skyla hurts herself on one of the weapons you leave just lying around?"

Now that was a fair point. "Maybe you shouldn't leave her around where weapons are left?"

"Navarone, I don't know if you've ever dealt with baby unicorns or baby pegasi. Alicorns are worse. Their magic can go out of control and they can fly. Unless things are hidden, they can find them just about anywhere in the house while they're awake."

"Well that changes things. I have a valid reason for leaving weapons around, but I'll make an effort to hide them where I left them. Just don't move any without telling me and telling me where you put them. I live next to the forest and evil things occasionally wander out of it."

"I'll keep that in mind."

And at lunch... "Nav, where's Taya?" Cadance asked.

I shrugged, letting my sword down from its weary grasp. "Probably with Twilight," I answered. "Why?"

"You don't know where she is? Nav, you should know where your filly is at all times!"

I could hear the naga making a sound deep in his chest as I turned to Cadance. "Woman, if you don't stop nagging me I will beat you like a fucking redheaded stepchild." The naga grunted an approval. "I let you stay here, putting me, my tenants, and Taya in danger. The last thing I need is you bothering me about every little thing. The system we've had so far is working well for us. If you see something that might need to be changed, fucking tell me. Don't nag me about it. Give me a clear, logical reasoning behind it and if I agree I might change it. But if you keep bothering me about this shit I'm going to give my pimp hand some exercise."

There was a long moment of silence before, "Nav, what's a pimp hand?" she asked.

I demonstrated for her, backhanding the air.

She was about to reply when the naga spoke up. "Navarone is correct. If you were a female of the clans you would know very well to keep your mouth shut. You may be a princess, but among our people that just means you are first among women and given respect by the men. You would still be silent when not spoken to, however. But we are not in the hold, I suppose. That does not excuse the fact that you bother and bother. I hope I do not hear you cry when you are smacked."

Cadance was giving him looks of horror and I was very close to the same. _Fuck, maybe I should have married a naga after all. Apparently their women are nice and subdued._

Eventually she looked back to me and said, "There _is _a reason. If an emergency happens, you need to know how to find her and where she is."

"Nah, she's smart enough to stay out of the way of the emergency and get away from the trouble. I had a talk with her about that already. We already have three rendezvous locations planned."

And now the confused expression was back. "You two actually sat down and had a talk about this?"

I nodded. "Several. She's more paranoid than I am. I have a small bag of gold buried near a landmark we both know so she can catch a train or hire protection if she ever needs to. Don't you worry about her. She's more likely to come out of an emergency alive than I am."

And another complaint before they went to bed. "Nav, you need to hug your daughter more," Cadance told me.

I let an awkward silence build for a few moments before kneeling down and hugging Taya.

"You'll hear no complaints from me on that one," I said as I stood.

Taya mumbled something that sounded like, "Me neither."

The next day heralded a covered carriage pulled by six pegasi guards. I really didn't want to go to Canterlot at all, but I knew I had to. With me went Cadance, Gilda, Skyla, and seven thousand bits that Cadance was very confused about.

"So why exactly are we carrying so much dead weight?" she asked, poking the bag with a hoof.

"None of your business," I answered. Gilda just grunted, preening her wings.

After a moment, Gilda sighed and shot her wing out to me. "Nav, can you help me out? I ran into a mean one in the woods last night." I pulled my gauntlets off, closed my eyes, and carefully ran my hand over the wing, feeling for any irregularities. After a few seconds of that, I stopped and slowly pushed her feathers aside, pulling out a twig. I dropped it on the floor and kept feeling around.

"You know," Cadance commented as I worked, "if you were a pegasus this would be a lot more intimate."

"Yeah, but I ain't no ruttin' pony," Gilda snappishly answered. "And I'm not interested in any intimacy."

"I didn't mean to imply…" Cadance started before clearing her throat. "I was trying to inform Navarone of pegasi rituals. If one pegasus asks somepony else to preen her wing, it's meant as a sign of ultimate trust and love. I didn't know if he knew, is all."

"I figured," I answered as I pulled the last little twig off Gilda's wing. "Almost all pegasi use their wings in their livelihoods and to get to the clouds, so fucking up with them is not an option. It also feels really good." Gilda passed me her other wing and I got started on that. "Shame that most people without wings know so little about them."

Cadance nodded, eyeing my hands at work. "Shining Armor doesn't know much other than that they feel good when rubbed correctly."

"Teach him how to preen, then," I said. I furrowed my brow as I felt something squirming around. I pulled out a fucking worm. "Disgusting." I went to throw it out the window, but Gilda's beak swooped in and snagged it out of my hand.

Cadance and I both gave her looks of disgust as she swallowed it whole. "What?" she asked. "I'm half-bird, remember? And I'm missing breakfast for this."

I shrugged and went back to combing her wings. "You're already plowing him in the ass with a strap-on, there's no reason not to sit him down and make him learn how to please you as well."

"She's WHAT?" Gilda shouted, bursting out laughing.

Cadance groaned, face hoofing. After a moment, she sighed and said, "Shiny and I engage in… alternate forms of sex, yes. But that is the most disgusting… Ugh. Nav, you're terrible."

I answered her with a shit-eating grin. "I know. Ain't I great?"

Cadance and Gilda shared a look and I knew I was about to be teamed up on. To prevent that, I grabbed Cadance's wing. "I saw those little jealous looks," I said as I pulled it taut. "Are your wings bothering you?" I asked as I gently stroked her just the right way.

Her ears drooped and she bit her lip to stifle a moan. Gilda grinned and grabbed the other wing, pulling that one tight and readying her talons.

"I-I'm fine, thank you."

"I don't know, you seem kinda… jumpy." As soon as I said that, I poked one of the main nerve clusters on her wing and she flinched. She jerked both of her wings back, but had a hard time forcing them against her body. Her face was a very bright red. "Eh, we probably shouldn't do anything in front of the kid anyway." I looked back to Gilda. "You got anything in your plumage, or are you good?"

"I don't feel anything in there, but check anyway." She presented her chest to me.

I sighed as I ran one of my hands over it. "This would be so much nicer if you were a human."

"Why's that?" Cadance asked, eager to get off the topic of us molesting her.

"This is where humans have their breasts," I answered with a smarmy grin.

She just shook her head. "You're incorrigible."

I giggled, but Gilda didn't seem amused. "I don't get it. What does that word mean?" she asked. _Some of us are not scholars, I suppose._

"She told me I'm sexy."

And that got me backwinged by one of Cadance's wings. "It means he's terrible," she explained as I spat out a pink and purple feather. "So why isn't Taya coming?" she asked me.

"I didn't tell her I was going. I don't plan to be here long and as soon as I'm done with the ceremony thing I need to get into the air. I don't want her on the streets of Canterlot while I'm way above them." I looked out the window to the rapidly approaching city. "In fact, we should probably bail out now. No reason to let anyone know that we got here in the same carriage that's coming from outside of town."

"That's… probably a good idea," Cadance answered, nodding. "Just be at the castle in an hour, Nav."

"We'll be there. Gilda, grab the bits." She wrapped a talon around them while I kicked open the carriage door. I held it as Gilda jumped out. I followed her, both of us shooting ahead of the relatively slow carriage.

I led the way to the massive flying ship and landed on its deck, making a loud thunk as my metal-clad feet touched down. Gilda followed me, making an even louder sound when she dropped the heavy bag of bits.

"See, this is why we started using paper as money," I said to no one as I walked to the door. I let myself in and walked down to the captain's cabin, hoping he was in. Gilda waited on the deck, stretching.

I knocked on his door. "WHAT?!" He did not sound pleased.

"I brought the money you need," I said, crossing my arms and waiting. The door burst open and the captain walked out, glaring. He seemed… off. I narrowed my eyes. "If you're high the deal's off."

"Withdrawal," he answered with an annoyed tone. "Where are the bits?"

"In a bag on the deck. That much money is heavy, man." He brushed past me and started walking down the hall.

"The ship's going to need more modifications than I thought," he grumpily said as he walked. "It shouldn't cost any more, but we'll be out of commission for at least half a year." He stopped at the door and looked back to me. "The princess might ask questions, and if she does I can't promise to lie for you. I'll tell her that we're doing it to go to new places. I'll try not to mention your name, but if she asks I will not lie. I owe you, but she's the princess." He turned back and muttered, "Don't know why it matters anyway," as he pushed the door open and flinched at the sunlight. "Who're you?" he warily asked, eying Gilda.

I answered, "Friend of mine. She might go with us, might not."

"Go where?" she asked, sizing the unicorn up.

"We can talk about it later. There's your money, either way. That takes a big, big chunk out of my reserves, so spend it right and don't make me spend this much again. I have a lot of money, but I'm not made from it." This actually made me really want to keep that money I gave to Pinkie and Kumani.

He nodded. "Don't worry about it." He looked back at me. "So what're you so dressed up for?"

I grimaced. "A ceremony. You save one princess's life and suddenly you get all kinds of rewards or something." I sighed. "Stupid babies…"

"You're just saving everypony, aren't you?" the unicorn asked. "Which one was it this time?"

"Cadance's kid. A little brat, if you ask me."

"She sure cries a lot," Gilda added, puffing. "Now, we gonna wait here all day? I wanna find something to eat before the ceremony."

"Yeah, yeah. Take care of that money, man. I'll stop by when I can to see how the ship is coming along."

He nodded. "I will see you when you come by, then." With that, Gilda and I took off.

If she had her way, we would have gone hunting in a small copse of trees relatively close to the city. However, Cadance told me about a small restaurant that serves meat, so instead we went there. It was alright.

By the time we finished there and had the bill paid, it was about time for the ceremony. We flew over to the castle and that's when I knew I was in for hell. "Why are there reporters everywhere?" I asked as we circled the castle. They hadn't noticed us yet, thankfully.

"Save a princess, you get famous," Gilda answered with a shrug. "I had to deal with a few when the griffins realized I got my dad's estate."

"Well fuck. I guess this'll be interesting." We flew down there and landed in the courtyard and immediately got swarmed.

I had a mic pushed into my face. "Which princess did you save?" some mare asked.

"Sorry, I don't speak Equestrian," I answered.

The look on her face was priceless. Another mic replaced hers. "Why was the princess attacked?"

"Look, I don't understand what you're saying!"

I think they were starting to get angry. A third mic was pushed at me. "How did you stop the assassins?"

I looked over at Gilda and said, "Do you have any idea what they're saying?"

She shrugged and answered with a few Avian clicks. I turned back to the reporter and shook my head.

I wish I had a camera, because I don't think I could ever get anyone that confused again.

I think the reporters were about to give up when Celestia walked out, flanked by her guards. Most of the reporters decided they would have better luck with her.

Not all of them did, though. A fourth mic was pushed at me. "Sir Navarone, what do you know about the new policies being put into place in Gryphonia?"

"There once was a man from Nantucket with a di—"

"Navarone!" I looked up to see Celestia giving me a disapproving stare that disappeared less than a second after I saw it, replaced by her typical motherly smile. I got the message and stopped talking. She walked over to my side and wrapped a wing around me, leading me away from the reporters. Gilda followed, not wanting to be left alone after she was seen flying in with me. The guards stopped the reporters from following us, thankfully. "Do not leave after you get your reward. I have a… surprise… waiting for you."

"A good surprise?" I cautiously asked. She smiled and I added, "What _I _would consider a good surprise?"

She giggled. "You'll see, Nav. Now, you just wait right here until Cadance calls you out." We were right next to the big ceremony room, with me in a little offset area probably designed for stuff like this. "Do you have any questions before I leave?"

"One, actually. Why am I getting this award for saving Skyla but not for saving Cadance back in Gryphus?"

"Because you were assigned to her as a guard, then. Guards that protect the lives of those they are assigned to protect are doing their duty. Citizens that protect the lives of royalty at risk to themselves go above and beyond what is expected of anypony. Now, I will see you in a few minutes." She left me and Gilda in that little side room.

"You know," Gilda said, "that sounded like a crappy way to say 'no one was paying attention and forgot to give you an award.'"

"Or they just didn't think about it. I don't want this shit anyway, so it's not like it matters. I'll take the bits, but they can keep the fucking title." 'Sir' was more than enough for me.

I should know better than to jinx myself like that.

When the moment arrived, I heard Cadance's voice whisper through my skull, calling me to the room. I was tempted to ignore her summons, but I knew it probably wouldn't end well. I rolled my shoulders and went to the door, saying, "I'll see you in a few minutes, Gilda. Hopefully we can get home quickly." _Whatever Celestia's 'surprise' was, I hope it doesn't take too long._

When I walked up to the double doors, a pair of guards pulled them open. I walked in, trying to control the twitching of my wings that showed I didn't want to be there. There was cheering and smiling and all that as I walked down the red-carpeted center aisle. I couldn't hide a secret smile on my face for some reason.

Dignitaries of all kinds lined my path, reporters mixed among them. At the end of my path was Cadance. Shiny stood next to her with a smiling Skyla on his back. _What did they have to do to make her smile instead of cry?_ Celestia flanked her other side.

I stopped at an appreciable distance from the royal family, standing at ease. "Navarone," Cadance said, "I thank you for saving the life of my—" She spared a glance back for Shining Armor. "—_Our _daughter." Before she could continue, Skyla made some happy sounding baby noises and she grinned. "Skyla thanks you, too. For your heroism in defending her against the odds from ponies that wanted nothing but to take her life, I award you the title Royal Savior and the star that goes with it."

Her horn lit up and a very ornate obsidian box flew forward from behind them. It opened right in front of me and I flinched back from the sudden brightness that flooded the entire room. There was a number of oohs and ahs behind me from the actual _star _that was hovering in the center of the box.

_How in the hell?_ I reached a trembling arm out to take it, somewhat expecting my arm to be wreathed in fire when I touched it. What actually happened was a lot safer but less expected: The white light that was coming from it changed to blue-green and dimmed considerably. I pulled it from the box and as I brought it closer to myself it dimmed more and more until it was just barely putting off light.

"Through darkest night and day most bright," Cadance was saying aloud, "the star will help you in all you plan to do." _Oh God she's rhyming_. "Because of the life you have saved, the path you walk with always be paved." Just what the hell does that mean?

It seemed that her little spiel was finished. She bent low to me, presumably some manner of ritual that I wasn't informed of. I knelt in front of her.

After a moment I heard several loud gasps and a coalescing of something in front of me. I jerked my head up to find Luna stepping out of shadows that fought with the light from the star still in my hand. That's when I knew something bad was about to happen.

She looked over my head to the crowd. "There are many things about Navarone and his career that many ponies do not know. He was accidentally stolen from his world and given every reason to despise every pony there is. Instead, he rose above that and grew to become one of Equestria's most staunch defenders. Without going into many details, exploits of his include helping stop a rogue unicorn, saving a mailmare from the monsters of the Everfree, destroying a den of naga and saving a farmer and his family, assisting to broker a peace and trade treaty with the cats while releasing many ponies from slavery and servitude, stopping another den of naga from starting a war on our territory, saving two of the elements of harmony from the dragons during their migration, personally saving a group of unicorns and a mail ship from a band of pirates, stopping Chrysalis from taking over Equestria and then heavily assisting in the peace efforts with her changelings, saving Cadance's life from a griffin, saving two foals from the Everfree, capturing the infamous dog father, shutting down over half of the crime in the region of Germaneigh, saving two fillies and two more of the elements in the Everfree, and most recently saving the life of Princess Skyla."

_Has it really been that much? This has been a busy few years._

Luna was continuing, though. "And all of this was done in very harsh conditions. Not everypony was happy with Navarone and his performances. And not everypony was happy with the fact that he's so very different, despite the fact that it was his difference that made what he did possible in the first place. It is in recognition of his service to Equestria through the hardships he's been through that Princess Celestia and I, along with Princess Cadance and Prince Shining Armor, bestow unto him the title Defender of Harmony, the highest honor we can give anypony."

_Fucking ponies, man. _There were murmurs in the crowd behind me upon hearing the ridiculous title I just got. That puts me up to, like, three. Sir, Royal Savior, and Defender of Harmony.

Luna's horn lit up and my body jerked upright, her magic controlling my form. _I'm not okay with this!_ With a flick of her horn my armor was replaced with some of the gayest shit I have ever fucking seen. Purple helmet, yellow greaves, white gauntlets, pink shield, orange breastplate, and blue boots. What. The. Fuck.

Luna answered my silent question. "May the boots of loyalty never turn you away from a friend in need. May the gauntlets of generosity always give freely to all in need. May the shield of laughter protect you from wounds both physical and emotional. May the breastplate of honesty guard you from lies and deceit. May the greaves of kindness stay you from sitting on the backs of those that helped you arrive where you are." Now that one just sounds forced. "And may the helmet of magic bring all the elements together within your body and soul and keep you on the path of harmony."

_Really? I mean, really? Come on, guys_. I later realized that the cutie marks of six certain mares in Ponyville were embedded into the ugly armor I was forced to wear. Celestia did mention that they were the elements of harmony, and if I was now the defender of harmony or something I guess it makes sense that I wear their marks. Still, it sucks.

The rest of the ceremony was… ugh. Thankfully, I didn't have to swear any more oaths or anything like that. Also thankfully, almost none of my friends were there to see me suffer. Gilda was in the back row, though, cracking up at the horrible color scheme on my armor.

When I was finally allowed to leave, Celestia cornered me in a small room of indeterminate purpose. "What the fuck was the point of that?" I wearily asked, trying to get out of the shitty armor.

"_That _was for helping the griffins. I can't punish you the traditional way, so I had to get creative. Luna and Cadance were very cooperative, though neither of them knew the real reason behind what we did."

"Celestia, you are a terrible person." She grinned. "Now what's the point of this stupid star?"

She shrugged. "It's a flashlight. A very fancy, magical flashlight. It glows different colors for different ponies. It's supposed to be controllable, though I can't explain how."

"So basically it's useless for me."

"It'll make a good mantelpiece."

"Have I ever told you how much I hate you?"

"It's been a while. But you know you love me." She shot her wings out, enveloping me in an unwanted hug.

"I really don't," I answered, not participating in the hug. "I very much meant what I said when we started this sex thing."

She nibbled on one of my wings. "Would it really be so bad?" she eventually asked. "Sure, Luna would be upset, but she'd get over it."

I pulled away from her. "How about this: _If _I come back and _if _I'm not in a relationship when I do, we'll talk. But first I need a fucking break from this place."

I really didn't want a relationship with Celestia after what I had been through, but I figured those conditions were somewhat unlikely. And I didn't want her hounding me, either.

"That is… acceptable, I suppose. I've waited this long for somepony. What's a little while longer?" If she had paid much attention to my journals, she would have recognized that it was the same line I used on Fluttershy and Kumani.

"That's the spirit. Now what's up with this gay fucking armor? I don't actually have to wear this, do I?"

"Your other set should be at your home. You are supposed to wear this for public functions since the Defender is a higher rank than a knight, but I don't suppose you have to. You know… if you keep this up, I'm eventually going to have to make you a lord. I suggest you start behaving, Nav."

"Bah. You wouldn't dare. Besides, you have no proof it was me that did anything with the griffins."

She nodded. "Correct, I don't. However, I'm also not a fool. You ruined a number of very old plans, some of which were set in place before Luna was banished. I couldn't just let you get away with it, which is why you're now a Defender of Harmony." She grinned. "Have fun with that."

"I won't, trust me. I'm tired of these shitty titles. At least I've come up with a good way to pay you back, or at least get rid of some of what you owe me."

"Oh dear… Do I need to be worried?"

"Yes. But we can talk about that more later. Now I just want to get home and take this damn armor off."

"I could help with that, you know…"

"As enjoyable as that would be, Gilda is waiting for me somewhere."

She smirked at that. "For as eager as you were to get out of that engagement, she seems to be around you a lot."

"Yep. Anyway, I'll see you later, Celestia." I didn't feel like getting into that conversation with her. It just didn't seem worth it.

"Of course… Sir Navarone, Royal Savior and Defender of Harmony."

I rolled my eyes and left the room, leaving her to wallow in her typical loneliness. It didn't take me long to find Gilda, who was being surrounded by reporters in the courtyard. It looked like the only thing stopping her from going violent were the guards that were eyeing her with a look of 'do it, faggot.'

"Gilda, what are you doing out here?" I asked, walking up.

The paparazzi ocean around her folded to include me as well, and we were soon the only island in a sea of ponies.

"Getting questioned," she answered, smacking away a microphone. "Can we go or what?"

"One moment." I looked around the group of annoying reporters. "The first one of you pegasi that tries to follow me will be beaten up in the air and then arrested for harassment." I don't think I actually had the authority to do that, but I was hoping they didn't realize that. "Gilda, shall we?"

She wasted no time jumping in the air. I joined her before the group closed in and cut off my ability to use my wings without smacking someone in the face.

Some of the pegasi in the group stretched their wings, but after taking a quick look at the guards around the courtyard decided against following us.

We made good time back to my happy little home. Taya wasn't back yet and didn't even know I had left, hopefully. There were no visitors and the naga was doing whatever he does when he doesn't train with me. Cadance wasn't back yet.

All of that meant no one but Doppel saw the hideous armor I was wearing when we walked in. She joined Gilda in mocking it as I put the star on the mantel.

"The ponies have such terrible color sense," Doppel said.

"I don't know about that," Gilda shot back, "but that armor is just made of gay! Nav, if I hadn't turned over a new leaf I'd call you a dweeb and punch you for daring to wear that."

"And I wouldn't blame you," I sighed, going upstairs to change.

By the time I came back down, Cadance was back. "Well, Nav?" she merrily asked with that evil little smile on her face.

"You're a terrible person," I answered. "And that armor looks gayer than you do. Trust me, that's saying something."

"I'm glad you think I look so happy! And it's good you think your armor does, too."

"…You know that wasn't a compliment, right?"

Her smile deepened as her horn lit up. "Watch Skyla for a minute, please. I need to go do something." Her spawn levitated toward me.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." I very reluctantly grabbed the smiling foal.

Her smile disappeared as soon as I touched her. She watched my face with soulless eyes as her mother happily trotted away from my living room.

"I'm onto you, demon spawn," I whispered, staring at her. Her eyes narrowed as I walked her to the center of the room and set her down on the rug. I left her there and walked to my armchair, keeping my eyes on her. Eventually, I leaned back, took out a knife, and began cleaning my fingernails while still watching her.

She looked at the knife and smiled an evil, devious smile. Her horn lit up and I felt a tug on the knife. I jerked it away from her magic and put it away before pulling out my ring and slipping it on.

Her horn stopped glowing when she realized I was immune. That just got her to unfurl her tiny little wings. I jumped up and grabbed her before she could get two feet in the air.

I took my ring off and slipped it around her horn before she could do a thing, then set her back down on the floor.

I saw a look of concentration on her face and assumed she tried to do magic. Nothing happened. She looked disappointed but then tried flapping her wings. Nothing happened.

She gave me a look of such pure hatred that I couldn't help laughing.

When a baby finds itself helpless and can't do anything else to torment their captors, they have one primal response. She burst into tears, screaming and crying and all that horrible stuff.

I knew exactly what would happen if Cadance walked in with me laughing and her daughter on the floor crying. I sighed and picked her up, putting her in my lap and trying to calm her down.

Thankfully, Cadance didn't waste much time coming back in. "What did you do?" she yelled over the crying.

"Nothing! She's just the spawn of Satan!" I, of course, removed my ring as soon as I heard Cadance entering.

"I don't know who Satan is, but I know neither of us are that!" She floated the crying baby over to herself, quickly calming her down. "Nav, you really aren't that good with foals, are you?"

"I am not. I'm telling you, though, your child is evil. When she gets a cutie mark, it's going to be three sixes."

"That's a silly cutie mark. I'm sure it'll be something fun, like a flower! Or maybe something more loving, like another heart."

"…Right. Just keep her away from me. She doesn't like me and I don't care enough to get her to."

"Come on, Nav! That's no way to talk about something you aren't good at! You'll never get better with foals until you try."

"But why would I ever need to get good with them? Not like I'm ever planning on having kids."

She grinned at that. "Every stallion always says that. Then you meet somepony special and you change your mind. I think it's better to be safe than sorry, don't you?"

"Sure. But not with your spawn. I want as little to do with her as possible."

"So stubborn… Fine. I'll figure something out, then."

I had a bad feeling in my gut.


	72. Chapter Seventy

Chapter Seventy

A week after I got my ridiculous awards and hid the armor so well no one would ever find it, I had a working crossbow thing for the naga.

"So how does this work?" he asked, hefting the large hunk of wood.

"Well, my first pitfall in making it was the almost immediate realization that you don't have a foot and thus can't reload it the normal way. After that, I had to figure out how to make it gear operated. That took me a lot longer than I was anticipating. Long story short, turn the thing that looks like it's supposed to be turned."

He put a hand on the wheel and turned it back toward him, making the string move accordingly. He continued twisting it until the string locked in place. "And now?" he asked.

I grabbed a very long bolt from the quiver I made for him. "Lock this in place. Odd feather goes down." He did so. "Now, there's no safety built into this, so don't touch the trigger until you're ready to fire. I did put sights on it, but they're going to be very different for you than they were for me. Aim it like I do with mine and shoot the target."

He pointed it downrange, aiming more or less at the target.

"Hold the crossbow tighter against your shoulder," I warned him. "I don't know how this thing will kick yet." I did test fire it, but not against my shoulder.

His grip tightened before he fired and completely missed, shattering the bolt against my wall.

"Oh wow. So uh… you probably don't know how to shoot, do you?"

"Point one end at the enemy and pull the trigger," he answered, lowering the crossbow.

"There's more to it than that. A lot more to it than that. Load it up again and I'll run through it." He pulled the string back and grabbed a bolt from the case, reloading it. "Alright, lift it up to an aiming position but don't touch the trigger." He did. "Now, completely even out your breathing. You're not in a hurry because the target's not going anywhere." I heard and saw him start taking slow breaths. "The point of this is so that you'll always know how the weapon is going to move. If you start breathing quickly you might lose it. Now I know from your shooting stance that you're right-handed. Look down the sights with your right eye." His body shifted. "The front two sights have a small slot between them. Put the middle dot that's farther down the crossbow on the middle of the target. My grandfather always told me to keep both eyes open while shooting with iron sights, but fuck that noise. Once you feel you have a good fix for how the crossbow is moving with your breathing, put your finger on the trigger. Wait until you are breathing out to shoot."

After a few more seconds of aiming, he fired and actually managed to hit the target.

"It's off by a lot, but it's a hit," I said, smiling. "In hindsight I should have just made you a longbow, but this was more fun. Now reload and try again. Let's see if you have a grouping or if that was just luck.

"This weapon is strange," he said as he reloaded. "It takes so little skill to use and yet is just as lethal as a sword. I think I might go so far as to call this one of the most evil weapons ever created."

"Not entirely true. You're shooting in just about pristine conditions. The crossbow is clean and waxed. There's not much weather going on. And there's no noise or exhaustion distracting you. If you try to take your time like that in a battle you'll get run through unless you're well hidden."

"I would not use this device on a battlefield. This is for hunting, nothing else." He aimed it again and fired, hitting near where he did the previous time.

"One more shot in that area and I'll adjust the sights. So why don't you want to use this in battle?"

"Because this weapon is dishonorable. It is unfair to your opponent to be able to kill them from so far."

"You'd hate my world, then. When I left, the record kill was a shot over a mile long. Now _that _takes skill."

"Hm…" He fired again, putting it in the general area of the other three.

"Alright, close enough. Hand it back." He passed me the very large and heavy weapon. I set it on the ground and pulled out a small screwdriver. I made some small adjustments to the front sight before handing it back. "See what that does."

Close enough to center. The next two were as well.

"Alright, good enough," I said. "Go collect the bolts and we can see about getting you some broadhead bolts for hunting."

He pulled another one out of his quiver. "I can't use this?" he asked.

I shook my head. "That's for target practice. As it is, it would go straight through whatever you're shooting at and come out the other side, leaving a small hole for them to eventually bleed to death from. Unless you got a headshot or a heart shot, it would take them forever to die. A broadhead bolt will penetrate and then cut up everything in between it and its exit or stopping point."

He went to go collect his bolts, hopefully pondering the potential damage the weapon I gave him could cause. He got back just as Cadance came out to see what the hell we were doing.

"Oh Celestia, there's two of them now?" she asked, looking at the crossbow.

"Yep," I answered. "Hey, lift your wings up. I want to show the naga something."

"He has a name, you know," she answered. "Wait, do you?"

"I do," he said, nodding. "What am I looking at, human?"

Cadance had lifted up both of her wings. I pointed at an area right behind her shoulder, on her side. "This is where you want to aim when you shoot an animal. Right behind the shoulder, so the bolt goes into their chest cavity and destroys all of their important organs."

Cadance jerked away from me, slamming her wings down. "What's _wrong _with you, Nav? Why would you use me for that?!"

"Because you're shaped like most quadrupeds, duh. That's pretty much all he'll be hunting. Hey, where's your demon spawn?"

"If you mean my _sweet _and _beautiful _foal, she's peacefully sleeping."

_Probably dreaming about choking me to death_. "Whatever. Now, I need to go into town to make some special orders with the blacksmith." Who, by the way, loves me for bringing him so much business. I haven't had the heart to tell him that he's making weapons. Maybe one day I'll bring him a list of the things I've killed with the bolt heads he's made me. "You can continue practicing, if you like. Cadance, I suggest you stay inside; I have paparazzi after me now that might snap a picture or two of you."

"They don't usually bother private property," she said, looking up in the air.

"And if they do," the naga said, "I will put this new toy to a good use."

"Don't fire it toward the town," I warned. "If you miss the bolt might land and hurt someone important. Anyway, I'll be back when I'm back."

When I landed at the blacksmith's shop, I couldn't keep a smile off my face. I had a little bit more to order than just broadheads. I ordered a metal tube with circular etchings inside.

For those of you that don't know what that means, it was my first step in building a gun.

My second step was flying out to Zecora's house and picking up some chemicals and ingredients that I had her promise not to reveal to Twilight. Hopefully my order of the rifled tube would be done soonish.

It was. A week later, the naga and I once again stood in my backyard, looking over at a target.

"Now, I don't know if this'll explode in my face or not," I told him. "So I think by all rights you should fire it first."

He looked down at me. "And in what way does that logic possibly make sense?"

"In the way that I got a little bit drunk before doing this so if I died I wouldn't care as much."

"…Hand me the gun." I did, almost reluctant to pass my shitty little pistol over. He aimed it downrange, slowed his breathing, and pulled the trigger.

Nothing happ—BOOM!

The gun jerked backwards since the naga wasn't expecting such a bad kick. The bullet slammed into my wall and I heard it ricochet back and fly off to who knows where.

Sometime during all that the naga's mouth dropped.

"Well… It works," I said, loud enough to get over the ringing in my ears.

Cadance burst out of my back door. "What happened?! Is everypony okay?"

"Yeah, we're good," I told her. "Just testing an experimental weapon, is all."

Before she could answer, a blue blur landed in front of us. "What happened?" Dash asked, looking around. "I heard some kind of explosion over here!"

"Nothing much," I answered. "Just testing something. Shall we try again?" I asked the naga.

His mouth finally closed and he cleared his throat. "That was definitely something. And you say these weapons are common where you come from?"

"Yep. Hand it over so I can reload."

He did and I started reloading, the two ponies watching with curiosity etched into their faces.

Before I could fire again, a third guest joined us. "Um, is everypony alright?" Fluttershy quietly asked as she landed next to Dash.

"All good here," I said. "I can't believe you heard that all the way over there."

"Hear what?" she asked. "I just felt something fly by right in front of me and found this." She held up a very flattened lead bullet. "I saw that it came from this way and then saw everypony gathered around here, so I thought I would make sure you were all okay."

_Oooh, that could have been bad._ "Alright, I'm not firing this gun next to a stone wall. Or at least, not directly at one. Wait here."

I flew up and sat on my roof, so that I was aiming down at the target. I adjusted my aim properly, said a quick prayer, and pulled the trigger. After a second, the gun fired.

Fluttershy jumped, screamed, and hid under Dash. The other three flinched. I didn't hear any ricocheting that time, so I flew back down and checked out the target. "Missed again," I sighed. "Then again, this pistol is pretty crappily made. It's more of an emergency backup weapon."

"What _is _that?" Dash asked, stepping over Fluttershy to take a better look at it.

"Human weapon," I answered. "I've been wanting to make one for the longest time. It's not a good weapon and it'll probably never help me, but it'll feel good to have just in case."

"What's it do?" she asked.

I held up a lead ball. "It uses an explosion to fire this at an insane speed so that when it impacts the target it does a ton of damage."

"Cool! Can I try?"

I smiled and ruffled her mane. "Silly Dashie, you don't have fingers! You couldn't even pull the trigger."

She glared at me before taking a short second to shake her head, undoing any damage I did to her hair. "Twenty bits says I can do it."

"No deal. I know you fuckers are good at doing things that shouldn't make sense. Hold on, let me reload it." I did so and held it out for her. "No sights on this one. Just aim down the barrel and hope for the best. But do it on my roof."

"Why up there?" she asked.

"The thing that almost hit Fluttershy was a bullet that he shot from here to the target. The bullet bounced off the wall and flew back all the way to wherever she was. If you shoot down, it'll have a higher chance of embedding into the ground." Probably.

"Whatever." She took the gun and flew up to my roof. She sat down and gripped the gun with her two forelegs and lifted both wings to the trigger. She took a second to aim or whatever before jerking her wings back.

Now, for those of you that have never pulled a trigger on either a gun or a crossbow, jerking the trigger is exactly what you don't want to do. The gun fired, sending the bullet over my wall and into the forest, where we heard it bouncing around the trees.

Dash fluttered down to us, looking somewhat abashed. "I don't think I did it right…" she said, looking at the gun.

"Yeah, you aren't supposed to jerk the trigger. I only had twenty bullets made. Cadance, you want to try it?"

"…No thanks. I'm not really a fighting pony, Nav." _Tell that to the changeling you murdered._

"Fluttershy?"

Her eyes opened wide and she started backing away, shaking her head.

Dash grinned and slapped her on the back with a wing. "Of course she does!" She pushed Fluttershy forward despite her wishes.

"This is her choice," I said. "If she wants to, she can. If not, she doesn't have to. Hell, I remember my first few times shooting a gun… Heh, some fucker accidentally shot me. I was so pissed. But yeah, do you want to or not?"

"I don't!" she hastily assured me. I shrugged and slipped the gun into a pocket.

"In that case, anyone up for a celebratory succession of drinks?" I asked. "Vinyl got me a shipment of alcohol recently. I wouldn't mind getting trashed."

Cadance quickly shook her head, probably remembering the last time she got drunk.

"What is alcohol?" the naga asked. "You mentioned drinking before, but I do not know what you meant."

"It's stuff that makes you feel and think differently," I told him.

Dash grinned. "If Fluttershy's in, I'm in." I'm not entirely certain that I liked the sound of that, but I'm sure Cadance would step in if Dash goes for the date-rape route.

"Um… I'm not so sure…"

"Come on, Flutters!" Dash said, wrapping a foreleg around her neck. "My first time was loads of fun!" She then added a muttered, "Until I woke up…"

"What was that last part?" Fluttershy asked.

"Nothing," I answered. "You in or out, Fluttershy? I ain't wasting my time by getting drunk alone, so either you two join me or I don't bother."

"Well… okay."

"What about you, big guy?" Dash asked the naga.

He looked down at me. "Navarone, is it a good idea?"

I shrugged. "It would be interesting. Might help loosen you up a little. Cadance, you're in charge. Make sure we don't do anything that's too illegal."

Flo spoke up for the first time in a long time. "Nav, this is going to end poorly."

_Oh, trust me, I know._ She just groaned.

I started us off light, just a few mugs of the lighter stuff. Having magical organs or whatever meant it took more for me to get drunk, so I was probably about on par with a pony.

Fluttershy had a faint blush after a few rounds. The naga didn't look like he was being affected at all. Dash had a smile on her face, knowing what was coming. Cadance wasn't in the room as she was making sure her hell spawn was alright.

It didn't take long for me to pull out the heavier stuff. Soon enough Fluttershy was tanked and I was well on my way. The naga's tail was slowly starting to curl. Dash was just openly smirking at Fluttershy, who was staring at me with a very flushed face.

I don't remember much after a certain point. I do, however, remember waking up nibbling on Rainbow Dash's wing. We were both in my bed and neither of us was wearing clothes. We were snuggled up tightly against each other.

"Dash?" I whispered, spitting out some bits of feathers.

Her eyes creaked until she realized she was staring me dead in the face from a very close and personal area. After that, she shot out of bed, her face quickly reddening and her eyes slamming open. "Ohmigoshohmigoshohmigosh did we…?"

I sat up, pressing a hand against my forehead. "I have no clue. I say we pretend this never happened."

She looked around the room and I took a moment to do so as well. My clothes were strewn about it. A number of blue and white feathers also dotted the floor.

Eventually our gazes met again. "Yeah," she said, nodding. "I'm okay with that. Just… what the hay happened to Fluttershy, then?"

I shrugged. "I'm sure she's fine. Now, let's get something for our heads. I know mine is hurting."

"Nav, you know Fluttershy! And you live right next to the forest! There's no telling what the pony could be up to!"

Flo whispered through the pain in my mind, "She's fine, Nav. And you did not have sex with Rainbow Dash, though when you get something for your head I will have to tell you something about Fluttershy."

_Well that's ominous._ "Dash, she's fine. Trust me. Not even alcohol would make Fluttershy go into that forest without a good reason. And at the very least, you aren't very useful to her with a splitting headache. Let's just go and make Cadance give us something to ease our heads."

I grabbed the set of pants on the floor and shook the feathers off before pulling them up. "So why _is _she here, anyway?" she asked.

"We didn't tell you? Long story short, Skyla almost got assassinated. I managed to kill the assassins, but Cadance and Shiny are worried there might be more. She's staying here in secret until they're all rooted out. So yeah, don't tell anyone."

"…Sometimes I really want your life, Nav. Now hurry up."

I muttered darkly as I stood up. I started walking but kicked something hard and metallic. I pulled the offender up before I realized what it was. I quickly tried to hide it, but Dash saw it. "Is that my cutie mark?" she asked, peering at the blue boot in my hand.

"No." I shoved it under the bed. "Now come on."

"No, I wanna see this!" She jumped to her side of the bed before I could stop her and jammed her head under it, leaving her ass shaking in the air. After a moment, she gave a cry of triumph before pulling herself back out, wielding that blue boot. "This _is _my cutie mark! Nav, what the hay? Why do you have something like that?"

"It's part of a set, now put it back and let's go."

"Whoa whoa whoa, you have a _set _of metal clothes with my cutie mark on it? That's creepy, dude!"

"Not, not all of it has your cutie mark on it. Now seriously, stop asking questions that I don't want to answer."

"Not until you answer them! Now what do you mean, not all of them have mine?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

I quickly found a rainbow maned pony standing on my chest. When I realized she was standing on me, I found that I was on the floor. "Tell me!"

The door swung open. "Are you two _still _going at it?" Doppel asked, eyeing us with distaste. "At least you put your pants back on, though I'll admit it was funny watching you wiggle around."

We were both staring at her with the most 'what the fuck' looks we could manage. "What are you talking about?" Dash asked, not getting off me.

"You don't remember? The two of you spent hours last night wrestling. You two kept saying something about bros and finishing that contest from years ago."

"Well… that explains the feathers everywhere," I said.

"Where's Fluttershy?!" Dash demanded, finally jumping off me and getting all up in Doppel's face.

Doppel grinned. "Ah, the yellow one. I got quite a tasty treat from _her _last night."

That was precisely the wrong thing to say to Dash. She grabbed Doppel by the throat. "If you hurt her, I swear I'll—"

"Dash! Put her down!" I grabbed her by the tail and yanked her away from Doppel. Dash glared at me, but I was glaring at Doppel. "You have exactly no time to explain what you did to Fluttershy."

Doppel quickly assumed an innocent expression. "Nothing! She's curled up on the couch! But the waves of lust she was exuding… I could taste it."

"Oh… Huh." Well, that was surprising. I could see that it shocked Dash as well. Her mouth was dropped.

"Uh… who was it for?" she eventually asked.

Doppel gave us a cheeky smile. "Why, if I told you that it would ruin all the fun!"

Flo giggled. "She does have a point."

Dash didn't seem to like that answer. And honestly, neither did I. But whatever. "Fine, keep your secrets," I said. "My head still hurts. Dash, you coming or what?"

She narrowed her eyes at Doppel. "I'm watching you."

Doppel rolled her eyes. "Watch me if you must. But someone has to clean up the mess you two made last night, and the longer you linger in here the longer that someone will have to be me."

Having a maid is awesome. Dash and I thankfully walked away from the room without any more questions about my armor. "…Wish I had somepony to clean my house," Dash was muttering to herself.

"Hey, it's not all that great," I said. "I have to pay her with sex." I was silent for a few seconds. "Well, I guess it is pretty great. If you want, I don't think she'd mind if you gave her a quick tip."

"I think I'd prefer my own luck to doing anything with that whorse. The nerve of that mare…"

"You get used to it. I deal with enough headstrong mares, after all."

"Yeah, because you live in Ponyville. If you lived in a place like Stalliongrad, you'd find more subdued mares." I wish I had known that. "But I don't think I could ever get used to her."

"Hey, you got used to Gilda."

"Heh, yeah… How has she been, anyway? I haven't seen her in a few days."

I nodded. "She needed to go back to her estate. I figured she had told you." With her went some extra information requested by the king, who would soon lose most of his power.

Dash shrugged. "Whatever. She'll be back when she's back. She always was like that."

We finally got to the living room, to see Fluttershy on the couch. "Should we wake her up?" I whispered.

Dash shook her head. "She needs the sleep, as much as she deals with her animals. Let's just find Cadance."

She was where she belonged: In the kitchen. Taya was also there, holding a frying pan with magic. "Now just flip it," Cadance said, smiling her typical smile.

Taya did so while Dash and I practically collapsed into chairs.

They both looked up when we walked in. Cadance quickly took to blushing, and she looked away.

"I don't reckon we could get some healing on us?" I asked

And now Cadance was narrowing her eyes at me. "After your behavior last night? You're lucky I don't use a different kind of magic on you instead!"

"I don't remember anything of my behavior last night, past the part where we got drunk. Dash is in the same boat. So if you would kindly unwad your panties and heal us, that would be great."

Dash whispered, "What are panties?"

"Later," I quietly answered.

"You knew the consequences," Cadance huffed. "This is your own fault."

"Yeah I knew the consequences. I also knew that I could get around them because I have two unicorns living in my house. Given that half of those unicorns is an alicorn and living in my house on sufferance more than anything, I figured she would be okay with that."

"Normally, yes. But after what you did last night… And your total obliviousness, I decided it might be best if you deal with this one yourself."

I'm not nearly as oblivious as she thinks. Just apathetic.

"Whatever. Taya, you're good to heal us, right?"

She looked back at me, still levitating the pan. "Kinda busy here, daddy."

I waved a hand. "It's cool, we can wait a few." I lifted a wing up and started cleaning and fixing all the fucked up feathers. After a second of awkwardness, Dash joined me in preening, fixing up her wings as well.

"So aren't you two curious at all about what happened?" Cadance asked, watching us work.

"Nope," I answered. No reason to let her know Doppel already told us. "We're good."

"Besides, that ugly bug thing already told us," Dash helpfully added. I just shook my head. "What?"

"What exactly did she tell you?" Cadance asked.

"That Dash and I nakedly wrestled around the house."

"So… she didn't mention the naga or Fluttershy?"

"No," Dash said. "She mentioned Fluttershy. Didn't tell us what she did, though."

"Let's just say that my signature spell wouldn't do much for her." I sighed internally, my suspicions confirmed.

"And just what the hay does that mean?" Dash asked.

"It means that Fluttershy has the hots for someone," I answered, moving onto my other wing.

"Oh… Who?"

"Answering that would ruin the fun," Cadance answered. I already knew the answer anyway.

"Whatever," I said. "I'm not in the mood for this. Dash, go wake her up with a kiss and see how she reacts."

Her wings jerked as though they should be standing up straight. "I uh… I think it can wait…"

I shrugged. "Suit yourself. It's probably the naga anyway. I mean, have you seen that guy? Totally muscular. I bet he makes all the mares wet. Speaking of which, where is he?"

"Absolutely no clue," Cadance answered with a shrug. "I spent all last night making sure you two didn't break anything. And making sure Fluttershy didn't jump a certain somepony's bones. He wandered away some time last night. I think he mentioned something about slaying a great beast."

Well that isn't ominous at all. There was a plate of pancakes being levitated my way, though, so I just assumed the naga would be okay in favor of eating.

"Hey, what about me?" Dash asked.

Taya nodded at the stove. "Pan's still hot." She joined us at the table as Dash crossed her forelegs and muttered.

"What's the matter, Dash? Mad you aren't getting light and fluffy pancakes made by a kind and loving daughter?" I asked, merrily devouring one of them. She huffed. "Well, there's a kind and loving Fluttershy in the next room that still needs to be woken up. Way I figure, she has a one in three chance of being willing to cook you morning-after pancakes."

"Nav, will you stop trying to hook me up with my friend? If anypony, I think she's more than likely set on you."

I shrugged. "Thank you, Taya. These pancakes are considerably better than what I was planning to have for breakfast this morning." Namely, nothing.

"Daddy, you don't usually eat breakfast."

"I know."

"So… my pancakes are just better than nothing?"

I stopped eating for a moment and gave her a deadpan stare. She giggled and I went back to eating.

Just as I finished, Cadance put more on the table. There was plenty for her, Dash, Taya, and presumably Fluttershy.

"Now I don't reckon you can heal us?" I asked.

Taya's horn lit up and my pain disappeared.

"Thank you. I'll go wake up Fluttershy." I stood and took a second to stretch. "Feels good to properly wake up."

"So… what about me?" Dash asked as I walked out of the kitchen and to the living room.

I heard Fluttershy muttering in her sleep. I didn't want to hear anything incriminating, so I just started poking her. She flinched a few times before rolling over and off the couch. She hit the ground with an amusing 'eep!'

"That's one way to wake you up, I guess," I said. "Breakfast is ready, if you want it."

She was too busy clutching her head. "Oooh, it hurts!"

"Yep. Taya and Cadance are in the other room, though. You need to get there before you can get healed."

She had a look of determination and pain on her face before realization struck her and she blushed. "Um… do you remember anything about last night?"

"Nope. You coming or what?"

"Um… I guess…" She tenderly got to her hooves before slowly walking toward the kitchen.

"Well, at least she didn't throw up," I muttered. As far as I know, none of us did. I went down to the cellar to see if the naga was there. If he wasn't and he wasn't in or near the house, I was thinking we might have a problem.

I made my way past the generator and into the pool area to find a noticeable lack of naga. "This could get ugly…" I walked back upstairs and outside, flying up and around the house. No naga. "Where the hell did he go?" I asked no one, looking around.

Thankfully, the naga's interesting form of walking means he tends to leave a semi-noticeable trail wherever he goes. I landed in front of my gate and eyed the ground. There were several instances of him going to and from the forest, but one broke off and headed somewhere else. I jumped into the air and followed that one.

After several twists and turns, it eventually led me to a very familiar lake. This was the lake where the giant squid lived.

"…I'm sure he'll be fine." Just to be sure, though, I flew over the top so I could look down and try to spot him.

I did, near the middle of the lake. He was coiled around the squid, holding onto it. Neither was moving. I took a deep breath and dove for it, propelling myself deep into the lake. When I got down there, I shook the naga until this eyes popped open.

His head jerked around and he quickly noticed his odd position. His mouth dropped and he did his best to untangle himself as I swam back to the surface. I broke free and began lazily paddling my way to the edge.

The naga joined me when I got out. "Cain, what happened?" he quietly asked.

I looked down in the water. "Is the squid dead?"

"It is not."

"Then buddy, I think you just fucked a giant squid."

"…I am never touching alcohol again."

Before I could answer that, I saw something large swimming out of the water. "Dude, run!" I fucking booked it. The naga looked behind him and somehow paled before slithering away as quickly as possible.

I looked back when I was far enough away and saw the squid surface. It waved its tentacles around and made clicking noises with its beak.

I turned and kept fucking running.

When we could no longer see the lake, we slowed down. "Cain, we will never speak of this again."

"Yeah… that seems fair."

"Good. The yellow quiet pony wants to lie with you. I believe that if you do not want a naga, she would be a good mate. Nice and quiet, subdued… She is much better than that annoying pink pony." I didn't know if he meant Pinkie or Cadance, but either way the point was the same. And he was right, in a way. If I wasn't leaving in a year I would give Fluttershy a chance.

It wouldn't be fair to her to just start something like that and then leave right in the middle of it. There's also the fact that I'm broken, but if anyone had a chance of dealing with that it would be Fluttershy.

We made it back home soon enough. I was mostly dry when I stepped through the door. The naga immediately went to the cellar and came back out a few minutes later with his crossbow and sword. He said nothing as he left.

"What got him in a huff?" Cadance asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," I answered, sitting back down at the table. The others had finished eating by then, and were awkwardly trying to not push the subject of just what the hell happened last night. I saw an opportunity and took it. "So I think we can all agree that pretending last night never happened is a good plan. All in favor?"

Dash nodded. Cadance and Fluttershy didn't move. Taya shrugged.

"All opposed?"

Cadance and Fluttershy lifted their hooves.

"Okay, that's three against two. Majority rules, silence and forgetting wins. No one mentions it."

"Who was the third?" Cadance demanded.

"The naga. He told me that we would never talk about what happened. That sounds enough to me like he never wants to talk about it."

"That doesn't count!"

I sighed and looked at Taya. "Work with me here, dear."

"…Not talking about it is good."

"There, three against two." Fluttershy sighed and looked down at her plate. Cadance pursed her lips but didn't say anything. Dash and I brofisted. "Alright, now I just need something to do today. Any suggestions?"

Cadance's horn lit up and an envelope flew over and smacked me in the face. I opened it up and pulled out the letter, quickly reading through it.

"…Oh yeah. I forgot about that."

"What is it, Nav?" Dash asked, squeezing next to me to try to read it.

"The war games start tonight. I need to get my shit ready. I gotta be in Canterlot by… Oh fuck. Taya, meet me out back in half an hour." I dropped the letter and ran upstairs. I put my armor on as quickly as possible. The black armor, not the gay armor.

I then grabbed a bag and started stuffing clothes in it, because I didn't know how long I would be in the field. With the clothes went a number of human weapons and a dark cloak that I could stuff things in and wear over my armor.

Then I started putting weapons on. Sword, daggers, throwing knives, crossbow and bolts… My key went on a sling about my neck. My ring joined it, for the moment.

About twenty-five minutes after I got upstairs, I made it back downstairs. I found everyone waiting out back. Doppel, Dash, Fluttershy, Cadance, and Taya. I pulled the ring necklace over my head, loaded my crossbow, and said, "Taya, put a shield around the target. I've been wanting to test this for ages."

She did. I put the ring around the bolt and fired it at the target. The bolt went right through the shield.

"Awesome. Dash, if anyone asks tell them I'm out of town on business. Fluttershy, keep being awesome. Cadance, listen to the naga when it comes to keeping you safe. That dude's insane, but good at what he does. Doppel, keep being sexy and make sure the house stays clean. Taya, love you and I'll see you when I get back."

I didn't even stop to listen to their replies, just quickly flew over to the bolt, pulled it out, grabbed my ring, and flew off. I assume they read the letter and knew I was due in Canterlot in an hour and a half, and thus didn't want to slow me down any.

It was a thankfully uneventful flight. I landed in Canterlot castle where there was a large group of unhappy looking bat ponies. I assume they were unhappy because they had to be awake during the day.

When I touched down, one of them approached me. "Princess Luna is waiting for you in the room you hate, wherever that is."

I nodded. "Thank you." I spread my wings and took off to the courtyard adjoining that room. I landed in it, looked in the window, and saw Luna carefully balanced on a bookshelf that was right next to the door, presumably so that she could tackle me when I walked in.

I pushed open the window and hauled myself inside. She glared at me from her perch. "You were supposed to use the door."

"And princesses are supposed to be above petty pranks." Luna teleported to the floor. "What do you need?"

She looked me over. "Where is your knightly weapon?"

"Why would I use an axe if I have a magic sword? Come on, Luna."

"How else is anypony going to know you're my knight?"

I crossed my arms. "The fact that I'm the only human on the planet, maybe?"

She rolled her eyes. "At least you aren't wearing that hideous armor my sister insisted we give you. I hope you had it destroyed."

"Hidden, actually. Just in case, you know?"

She shrugged. "No matter. I need to give you the proper look before you meet your opposing knight, though I think you already know him. Sir Fancy Pants, I believe his name is."

"Oh man, I love that guy! He's the only rich fuck in this place that's worth dealing with. It'll be a shame that I'll have to murder him."

"Quite. Now stand still." Her horn lit up and I felt my wings slowly hardening to become bat-like. I also tasted blood as my fangs grew. I grinned at the taste, letting blood spill from my smile. "By the moon that's creepy… I do not think you will have any problems with scaring anypony, Nav."

"Good. I don't suppose you have a towel or something?"

Her horn lit up and a dark blue towel popped into place. She dabbed my face with it, jerking it away whenever I tried to take it. I rolled my eyes and waited until she was finished. "There. Now, come along." I followed her out of the room and fell into step alongside her while we walked.

"So what kind of rules do I need to know about, anyway?" I asked, tossing a dagger up in the air for the fun of it.

"Officially there are none. Unofficially, though, there are a number of unspoken rules and regulations in place, much the same as it is in regular war. Don't mistreat prisoners, don't use poison, and treat your opponents with honor are the three main ones. The knights each team fields are expected to aid their team and treat their counterparts with honor and respect. However, I have a feeling that Fancy Pants will not be holding his breath while expecting that from you."

"Will I get anything for winning?"

"The recognition for beating the day soldiers. And you might get a… personal prize from me, if you are interested."

I was not. We continued in silence until I asked, "Do you want me to win this campaign, dark and dirty? Or do you want me to make you look good and risk losing by playing honestly?"

"Navarone, I want you to humiliate Shining Armor. Do that however you see fit."

"The best way to do that would be to beat him at his own game. But that ain't how I roll. How long do these games usually last?"

"Two or so weeks, unless an emergency comes up."

I nodded. "We'll see about that." If their ranks and fighting style was the same as I was expecting, I could probably take them out within a week, depending on the number of troops they had. "What numbers are we looking at?"

"Each side will use five hundred troops." At my barked laugh, she looked over. "What?"

"Five hundred? That's ridiculously small. Shit… Well, at least it won't take long." Three days will be my goal. I grinned as plans ran through my head.

"I know that look," she said. "That's the look of you winning."

"Let's just say that this is going to be a bloodbath." If, of course, I was right about a few things.

We soon arrived to the room where Celestia was waiting with Fancy Pants. "So you finally deigned to join us, Nav," she warmly said.

"Hey, I got that letter with less than two hours to get ready. I got trashed last night and had to pick up the pieces. I'd say me being here at all is pretty good." I nodded at my counterpart. "Sup, bro. I didn't know you were a knight."

"I am indeed. And I was quite happy when I heard you joined our ranks, though I admit to some disappointment when I heard you joined the ranks of the night. No offense to you of course, Princess."

Luna didn't answer, which might have been a good thing. Instead, she cast her gaze on Celestia. "When will the games officially begin?"

"The troops are leaving for their staging area in one hour. The game will begin half an hour after that. The playing area will be in and around the forest to the east. Now, the two of you should probably go back to your teams. I'm sure you have preparations to make."

I shrugged and started walking to the door. Fancy Pants took a moment to bow and all that fun stuff before following me.

We started walking side by side down the hall. He said, "It will be interesting to see your fighting style in play, human. I have one request, though I don't expect you of all ponies to hold up to it. Should we ever meet in combat, try to give me a fair fight."

"I'll think about it." And I actually meant that. Fancy Pants was a pretty cool dude. Aside from the fact that I was planning on going in and assassinating every single officer except for Shining Armor on the first night, I would love to fight him in a fair fight with no consequences.

"Well, at least that isn't a refusal. I am somewhat surprised that the princess chose me for this, of anypony. I may seem dapper, but I'm getting up there in age. Still, I must say that it's an honor, even if a dubious one, to be facing the Defender of Harmony himself."

"Please never call me that again." Seriously, how is that a real title?

"Oh? Humble, are you?"

"No, it's not that. I just think that it's a shitty title and I don't like titles anyway. I also don't like being honored, especially when Celestia turned around and told me that the honor was a punishment for pissing her off. And God, did you see that armor I got? Hideous."

"…Navarone, you are not a pony."

I nodded, smiling. "Thank you. That means a lot to me."

He sighed. "I can't even tell if that's an insult or not…"

"Let me put it this way: The princesses have a spell that can turn me into a pony, and I absolutely hated every minute of the experience." We stopped at a large courtyard full of bright white ponies. I held out my hand. "Good luck, bro. I have a feeling you're going to need it."

He shook my hand. "We will see about that, Sir Navarone. I've longed to see you truly fight, and this will be an interesting way to do it."

"Then I will see you on the field of battle, my friend. Until then." He left to join his group and I continued on my way until I realized I was lost and stepped outside to fly to my group.

I was quickly escorted to Midnight with her command group. "There you are," she said, relief in her voice. "We were beginning to wonder if you were going to show up. Alright, do you remember the group you had when you raided the castle?" I nodded. "You will be in command of that force, along with a few other squads. I expect you to report to me what you're doing when it's convenient, and to be ready to cancel your plans on a moment's notice if something big happens. Any questions?"

"Can I have the changeling and the griffin?"

"You can have Quisling. I have plans for Shade and the few other griffins she has. Anypony else have questions?" There were none. "Alright. Go to your groups, everypony. Navarone, wait here for a moment." We waited in silence as the others broke off. "I'm giving you a lot of autonomy here, Nav. Before I leave, I want to know what your game plan is for winning this one. And why did you want the changeling and griffins?"

"My plan is to kill every officer they have except for Shining Armor and one other, and then have Quisling disguise as one of the killed officers. Then create a ruckus so it looks like the assassin was caught before he could finish his work so no one will be suspicious. From then on, we'll just harass the shit out of them."

"And you are sure you can get around Shining Armor's shield?"

I nodded. "Very sure. Maybe we'll even poison their food supply while we're in there."

She shook her head. "No. I am okay with assassinations, but we will not risk actually hurting somepony with poison."

I shrugged. "Whatever. How many officers is he going to have, and how will we be able to tell who is who?"

"You're going in at night, so expect them to be in tents. The common troops will be sleeping outside, probably."

"And our camping arrangements?"

"We're taking the suggestion you made some time ago. There will be five camps, all within range of quick response to the other. Officers have been unmarked since the troops know them well enough. We will have no tents, since we'll be camping inside the actual woods. I believe Shining Armor will camp outside the forest." That might make things a little harder, but it might also make them easier. "Your fifty troops will be billeted with my command group. Come, I'll take you to your ponies."

I followed her. "So what's the plan for the other groups?" I asked.

"Once again, I'm following your suggestion. The groups are mostly autonomous, though I expect runners from each group so I know who is doing what. I expect patrols, ambushes, raids, and a number of other things. I will order everypony to stay away from the enemy base while you're working there tonight."

"Thanks, lass."

"It's Captain Midnight, Sir Navarone. I expect professionalism while on a mission."

I shrugged. "That'll be easy enough to fake, I suppose. I only have one professional bone in my body, though."

"And if you keep talking about it I am going to break it."

"Hey! I like my right index finger! I have a load of good memories with it…"

She gave me a level stare before stopping. "Here are your troops. You have three groups of fifteen and five runners. Quisling will be sent this way shortly." She nodded at a pony that sidled up next to me. "I believe you know Smiles. He will be your cheat sheet for the army, since you probably do not know many of our terms and orders."

I looked down at him. He beamed up at me. "Shut up, Smiles." His grin widened and I looked back to Midnight. "Anything I need to know before we go?"

"Everypony should have all the rations they need already. If you've never commanded this many troops before, you need to make sure they have time to eat and to rest. I've heard tales of your vaunted stamina. These ponies are soldiers, but they aren't super ponies."

"Chill, I got this. As long as no one starts an impromptu orgy, I should be fine." Although I'd be pretty good in that situation as well. "You can head on, Captain. I'll be fine."

She nodded. "Very well. May the night be with you, Sir Navarone." She left to join her own group, leaving me with fifty troops that were all staring at me.

I crossed my arms behind my back. "Alright. Some of you have worked with me in the past. Some of you have not. For those of you that haven't, know this: I expect you to not be completely retarded. There is a good chance I will ask you to do something that will require some manner of intelligence. Please do not let me down. That would be very disappointing. Another thing you might not know if you haven't worked with me is that I am rather unconventional. This group will be doing things that are unfair, cruel, violent, and thoroughly underhanded. And I expect to get results. Any questions?" A random pony raised his hand. "Yes?"

"Why not just fight the way we usually do?"

"Because I like winning. Any other questions?" Some chick raised a hoof. "Yes?"

"Can I have your autograph?"

"…What?"

"My son wants your autograph, sir."

I blinked a few times before shrugging. "If you've got paper and something to write with, sure. Any other questions?" The mare scrambled away, presumably to find something to write with. Someone else raised a hoof. _I wasn't actually expecting questions…_ "Yeah?"

"Whose group are we staying with during the day, sir?"

"Captain Midnight's. Intermingle if you must but remember that we're probably going to be on the move a lot. Or at least, I will be. There are three groups of fifteen here so I'll probably go out with one group while the other two get rest."

The mare from before came running back with paper and a pencil. I bent down to Sunshine's level to write on his back and made out my first ever autograph. It was… odd. I handed the paper and pencil back to her. "Thanks, Sir Navarone!" She rejoined her unit, tucking the paper into her armor.

I was about to ask for more questions when I heard someone blowing a horn. All the court unicorns that had been using magic on us to make the game nonlethal were finished. "That's the signal to move," Smiles told me.

I nodded. "Load up into the chariots. Unicorns, help the pegasi get attached. This shouldn't be a long flight."

It wasn't. Finding suitable landing spots for the chariots, though… Well, it didn't take as long as I was honestly expecting. There were a number of clearings just large enough to fit some of them in. Soon enough we were all unloaded and had the chariots hidden as we melted into the trees.

I got a messenger from Midnight before we even got a camp set up. "The captain wants you to send two scouts out to look for the enemy's landing site. Every other group is sending them out as well."

I nodded, looking around the ponies for the five pegasi that didn't belong. I soon found them clearing out a small area for themselves. "Go back to the captain. I'll have them sent out soon." He saluted and left as I walked over to the five pegasi.

They saluted when I reached them. "Can the saluting shit, we're in the field. You two scout the empty land for one hour and come back here. If you find any large group of enemies going anywhere near the forest, one of you come back to me immediately while the other tails the group, trying to stay unseen. If you find the enemy camp, watch for as long as you can before coming back. _Do not get knocked out_. I need all five of you alive." They nodded and took off. "Carry on." They went back to clearing a spot on the forest floor as I went to find Smiles or Quisling.

Quisling was much easier to spot. He straightened up from his position on the ground when I came near. "So I heard you had a special job for me," he said.

I nodded. "I do. How good are you at assassination?"

"Let me borrow one of your daggers and I'll be very good at it. Getting me through the shield, though… I assume you have a plan?"

"I do. I'll let you feed off some of my memories before we go, because you could be there for a few days if this goes off well."

"Feed off… memories?"

"It's a human thing. I don't feel like explaining it. Be ready to go with the group at two in the morning."

He shrugged. "Yes sir." I left him and went to find Smiles. Given that almost all of the stallions looked the same, that was a lot harder than it looked. I found him soon enough by calling out his name.

"Sir?"

"Go find my three group leaders and bring them here. I need to know their names and any specialties." He went off to do my bidding. Soon enough, I had three stallions and a mare in front of me. "You all know me. Who are you and does your group have specialties?"

One of the stallions, a pegasus, said, "Steel Rain, sir. My group is good for lightning raids. We get in quick and get out faster." The mare and I cracked up at that and he blushed. "You know what I meant!"

"Keep telling yourself that, Steel," the earth pony mare said. "I'm Panzer Wagon. We are one of the best groups of fighters out there and can take and dish a load of punishment."

The last one was an old and grizzled unicorn. I looked at him and said, "And you're the mage group."

He shook his head. "No sir. Well, we do have a number of powerful unicorns, but we specialize in… unorthodox missions. Things the princesses do not want anypony to know about. You may call me the Watcher."

"Well that's creepy as fuck." Looks like I have a tank group, a damage per second group, and a group that is possibly made up of green berets. "Watcher, have your group ready to go on a mission at two in the morning. Panzer, set out pickets. Give them either a signal or a password they can use to alert everyone else if there's any sign of enemy movement. Rain, have your troops take up the slack in building the camp. Set up a latrine trench somewhere away from the main group." He grimaced in distaste at the idea, but they all nodded and went off to do as I commanded.

I started walking around the area we took over, noting good locations to hide in trees. That might not make sense to most people, but think about it this way: Horses are natural prey animals that tend to live in prairies and open areas like that. Thus, any that would wind up in a forest would probably never think to look up to spot an ambush. I mean, their predators usually come from the ground, not from the air. I was hoping griffins and dragons wouldn't have rendered that potential advantage worthless.

I was about to test some of the spots to see if they would hold me up when one of my scouts came zooming back into base, flying straight to me. "Sir, a large scouting group is entering the forest!"

"Numbers."

"Thirty."

I nodded once and yelled out, "Steel Rain! Get you group together! Quisling, you're coming too."

Less than two minutes later they were all standing in front of me, with some others watching the group. I picked out the messengers and waved them forward. "A large enemy scouting party just entered the woods. We're going to intercept them. You," meaning a messenger, "go tell the captain what we're doing. You," another messenger," come with us. Everyone else, follow this guy." Meaning the one that brought me the message. "Take us to where you think they're going to be in fifteen minutes."

"I can… try, sir."

"Then lead the way." He started loping off into the forest. We all followed his pace easily enough.

Rain paced me. "Sir, what kind of numbers are we looking at?"

"Thirty. Trust me, soldier, we're going to be fine." I really hope. "When we get to where we're going, have all of your troops get into the trees and do their best to hide."

"…Trees?"

"Yes. What kind of ambush plays things fair?"

He slowly grinned wickedly. "Yes sir!"

I nodded once. "When they start panicking, have all the unicorns shoot down flames for fifteen seconds and then have the pegasi drop the earth ponies into the enemies. Prisoners are not a priority, but I want at least one to escape."

He nodded once and we went to running in silence. Until… "What will I be doing, sir?" Smiles asked, materializing next to me.

"Bait." I didn't know he was following us, but I wasn't about to complain about him being there.

"Um…"

It didn't take us long to get to where the messenger was hoping was the correct location. Steel Rain made sure all the ponies knew my instructions as the pegasi helped everyone get into the trees.

"Quisling, over here," I called, waving him down. He flew over and landed next to me. "Turn into a wounded enemy soldier." He did so, a questioning look on his face. "Smiles, fly up and try to find the enemies. When you do, land a little ways in front of them and get spotted. As they chase you, lead them a few yards from here, over that way." I pointed to our right.

"I… yes sir…" He didn't sound very happy about it, but he stretched his wings and carefully flew out of the forest.

"Quisling, on the ground." He casually flopped down. I pulled my gauntlet off, put my ring on, and loaded my crossbow. I then took aim at a squirrel that was in the wrong place in the very wrong time and shot it. I walked over, grabbed the squirrel that had been completely cut in half, and walked back over to Quisling. I held the squirrel's body up to my face, soaking my mouth and teeth in blood and letting it drip down my chin.

"Sir… what are you…"

"Shhh. You're being eaten, Quisling." I tossed the dead squirrel aside and knelt down. "When you hear the enemies stop, I want you to start screaming in pain."

"Uh… Yes sir."

Soon, only the gentle creaking of limbs could be heard, which could hopefully be confused for wind blowing through the branches.

About fifteen minutes after we got into position, I heard something crashing through the woods, heading our way. The noise slowly got louder and grew in volume until I saw Smiles running for his life. When he got where I told him to go, he spread his wings and jumped into the air, just in time for the scattered group of day guards to show up.

"We lost him, sir," one of them said to the guy with the biggest hat.

"I am well aware, soldier," he growled. "Everypony back into your ranks. He was running this way, so we can assume his camp is this way. Flankers out, and eyes open."

Right as they started to comply, Quisling started screaming. I bent in and grabbed his leg, lifting it to my mouth. The day guards starting running my way, trying to see what was happening through the shadows of the woods.

As soon as they got close enough, I jerked my head up from his leg, meat and blood from the squirrel dripping own my face. I snarled at them, standing and drawing my sword.

"HE'S GONE MAD!" one of the redshirts screamed, turning and trying to bolt. Since he was in front of a long line of ponies, all that did was knock a few others down.

However, it did enough to start the panic I wanted. The officer was trying to get his troops in order so they could 'put me down,' but a number of troops had no desire to get eaten. I started running at them and as soon as I struck down the officer, flames started shooting down from the trees onto us. Since I was immune to magic they didn't do any damage to me, but they cut through the day guards and killed swatches of them. I continued butchering the panicked troops.

And when they saw Quisling get up and join me, boy did they freak out. The night guards dropping down on top of them from the trees did wonders, and the few survivors started bolting in terror. Unicorns took potshots at them until we couldn't see them anymore.

I wiped my face off as much as I could and walked over to Steel Rain. "Casualties?"

"None, sir."

I nodded. "Good. Have your pegasi help the unicorns off the trees. Messenger, send word to the captain that we took out a thirty strong scouting group with no casualties. Return to camp afterward." He saluted and took off as the previous two scouts walked in front of me. They were both messy from having run through the woods. "You two stay with us. I think that's good enough of a blow for the starting hour. We can rely on the other groups to find out where the enemy base is."

"Yes sir," they both said, nodding thanks.

I called out, "Did anyone see how many of them got away?" They all look at each other and shook their heads. "Well, it was probably enough. Alright, let's get back to camp. There's a pretty good chance we just got the first kills of the game. Let's keep this up."

They all shouted a "Hoorah!" as Smiles rejoined us and we started jogging back to camp.

"So we won?" he asked, still catching his breath.

"Yep. Good job, Smiles. You managed to not die long enough to do something useful."

"Uh… thank you, sir?"

I don't actually know if that was a compliment or not. I also didn't really care either way. We continued our run in silence.

When we got back, we found the forest floor very well cleared out, with Watcher's men sleeping and Panzer's men standing guard. The messenger was waiting for me. He trotted over when we got into camp.

"Sir, Captain Midnight sends congratulations. She also had her troops help clear us a spot, since so many of ours were busy. She ordered that our pickets link up with hers so they'll know where their friends are."

I nodded. "Thank you, soldier. Tell Panzer to take care of it; it's her troops that are out there." He nodded and went off to find her.

Steel Rain came over to me. "Orders, sir?"

"Have your men rest. They did an outstanding job. Tonight I'll want you and Panzer to be ready to bail out me and Watcher's group when we do our mission, so they need to be well-rested. Hopefully it won't come to us needing a heavy extraction, but if it does I'd rather it be with the full group."

He nodded. "I understand, sir. We'll be ready for you."

I nodded and settled in to wait. As it turns out, soldiering is a very boring business when you aren't actively fighting or planning. I ended up sitting with a group of Panzer's veterans and swapping stories with them.

A few hours after the ambush, I got a messenger from Midnight who gave me a map of the surrounding area, with all of the camps marked. It also showed Shiny's army outside the forest. Up in the top right of the map there was a count that read "Us: 498. Them: 465." I assumed we lost two scouts, or maybe there was a minor skirmish or something.

I looked it over and realized that it would be hard to get to Shiny's camp easily, assuming he had any guards at all out and about; they were in flatlands. I was hoping Watcher's team had a fix for that.

With a map in hand and a relative plan in place, I settled back in with my troops and continued talking and telling stories to pass the time. After what felt like hours—because it _was _hours—it finally hit one in the morning. There had been a few more skirmishes of which none of my troops were involved, and the count was about four hundred and ninety to four hundred and fifty-eight.

I was about to decrease their count by a lot.

Watcher's group was already awake and Rain's group had taken over the pickets. Quisling was waiting for me. I walked over to him and knelt down. "Go ahead and take your fill," I told him. "Assuming this works, you'll probably be undercover for a while."

"Do I just feed off you normally?" he asked. I nodded. He shrugged and his horn lit up. His eyes opened wide as he perused my open emotions. I felt something drain out of my mind as he sated his hunger. After nearly a minute he pulled away with a smile, rubbing at his belly. "You taste good, sir."

I nodded. "That's what your queen said, if you know what I mean. Now join Watcher's group, we're moving out soon." He nodded and joined the others. I waved the messengers over to their group as well and joined them, squatting down and pulling out the map. "Okay, this is the plan: We get Quisling in close enough to the shield. If there are any sentries awake inside, two of you will go to the edge of the shield and try to draw them out. We'll silently ambush them. I need at least one sentry alive. I'll quietly get some answers from him before Quisling takes his shape and goes through the shield. Then he kills a number of high ranking officers before taking on the shape of one himself and remaining inside. We will then create a disturbance and get a small number of troops following us to an ambush set up by Panzer." I came up with that last part on the spot. "Any questions?"

Quisling asked, "How am I getting inside, sir?"

"I have a magic nullifying ring. Don't ask how I got it or where. I also have a way of making sure I get a true answer from the sentry. Any other questions?" There weren't. "Alright, Watcher, do you have a way to get us quietly and invisibly to their camp?"

"Quietly, yes. Invisibly, sort of. We can cast a veil of darkness spell over ourselves. We won't be invisible, but they won't be able to easily see us."

"Good enough." I turned to one messenger. "Tell Panzer and her group to set up an ambush just inside the forest near the enemy's base. We might be coming in hot when we exit. Tell her to get her ponies into the trees, if possible. Two other messengers, stay here. Everyone else, let's move. Two pegasi, stay in the air and make sure we don't bump into any enemies."

We began slipping through the trees toward the enemy camp. You could only move so silently through a full forest, though. Not like it really mattered that much, I suppose.

We made it to the edge of the forest without running into any enemies. Panzer's group caught up to ours shortly after we left. She didn't seem overly pleased that I so suddenly included her, but she didn't comment on it. She began setting her troops up as we quietly made our way out into the open, invisible to all but the most careful of watchers.

Shining Armor's shield was a beacon in the center of the grassland, a big 'attack here' sign that I was just waiting to take advantage of. Soon enough we were a hundred yards away from his shield, all crouched down and waiting to pounce.

I turned and whispered, "I need a pegasus volunteer." One hand shot up. "Go over to the shield and find a way to get a single sentry out here. I would go, but he'd probably call everyone out to take me down."

The soldier nodded. "Yes sir. Lead him this way?" I nodded. He sketched a small salute and spread his wings before jumping out of the cloud of darkness around us. We watched as he flew over to the shield. He flew to the center and landed on it. I couldn't tell what he was doing. I soon heard a shout from inside and saw a pegasus flying out at the soldier, who quickly spread his wings and flew back at us. He landed just behind the shadow we were hiding in.

Watcher grabbed the enemy pegasus as he was flying over us and pulled him into the darkness, shoving magic into his mouth to silence him. I whispered, "Make his voice quieter so he can't yell." Watcher's horn lit up again and he nodded at me. I pulled my key out and whispered, "What's the watch password?"

The pegasus was glaring at me, but answered, "The day is clear."

I passed my dagger and ring to Quisling. "When you get inside the shield, gently toss the ring outside. I'll pick it up before we leave. You have to be wearing it for it to work. Don't kill Fancy Pants or Shining Armor if you can help it. When you finish or if you get caught, throw this into a mass of sleeping soldiers and then turn into an officer." I passed him a tear gas grenade.

"Yes sir." He took everything and left the veil of darkness, turning into the pegasus as he walked back to the enemy base. The distraction joined us.

I finally noticed something and sniffed a few times, looking down at the pegasus. "Why do you smell like piss?"

My soldier giggled. "My fault, sir. I needed some way to get him and only him out of the shield. So… I peed on him."

"…Well, that's one way to piss someone off." The pegasus was still struggling in his magical constraints. I poked him with a knife. "Look, if you don't stop trying to fight I'm going to remove you from the game. I mean, that would be better for you in the end because we're about to win this, but still." He sighed and stopped struggling. "There, isn't that better? Now just relax and watch the show."

There was silence for nearly half an hour before we heard the screams. I smiled, knowing their entire camp was on alert. "Watcher, ready your unicorns. When I yell, shoot a three second sustained burst of some kind of magic against the shield. Don't worry about hitting me."

Before he could answer, I took off running toward the shield, hoping to God I saw correctly where the ring landed. Thankfully, I was right. I grabbed it and yanked my gauntlet off, slipping the ring on and then replacing my glove. "RUN!" I yelled, and the fireworks began as I started sprinting across the field toward my group.

With the magic show hitting the shield, Shining Armor probably knew exactly where we were. If he didn't, it was as obvious as Fluttershy's crush on me to everyone else.

When I got to the troops, I very quickly said, "Dispel the veil, grab the prisoner, run like hell!" One earth pony secured the prisoner to another's back and we hoofed it, easily seen in the flare that was shot into the sky, lighting up the entire field.

It blinded everyone enough that the pegasi that were already following us had to swoop up for fear of hitting the ground. Some of ours spread their wings, but I yelled, "DON'T GET BOGGED DOWN! RUN!" They closed their wings and kept going. I knew that if we got caught in the open field we were fucked. A few of us might get picked off on the run back, but whoever stayed was definitely going down.

However, I don't have to follow my own rule. I stopped to make sure we weren't leaving anyone behind and saw a three-pony squad getting harassed by a pegasus. I draw my sword and sprinted that way, killing the pegasus and freeing the group to run again. I played interference for a few other groups on the way in, managing to kill three pegasi and keep two more at bay until we made it into the forest.

And then the fun truly began…

I looked back and saw at least fifty troops running across the field at us, and a few horns blowing calls. I stopped just inside the forest and pulled my crossbow up, aiming it at a random unicorn. With a quick trigger pull, he went down. I reloaded and shot at another unicorn and somehow missed. Thankfully, the bolt managed to take out an earth pony instead. I knew I wouldn't have time to reload and get another shot off, so I ran further into the forest before I stumbled upon a group of my troops bunkered down. I joined them, kneeling down and waiting for them to enter our killing zone.

It happened quickly. We let about twenty get into the forest proper before I called out, "KILL THEM ALL!" I jumped up, lifting my sword over my head and yelling a battle cry. All of Watcher's group jumped up as well, joining my cry and charging the enemy.

I waded into the melee, trying not to get into any one-on-one fights and using my sword's long reach when I did. Most of my work was taking out enemies that were fighting my troops.

And when Panzer's group joined the fight, it turned from a fight into a bloodbath. Soon enough enemies were running away instead of pursuing us.

When all was silent on the edge of the forest but ragged breathing, I slid my sword up. "Quick count, I need casualties!"

Watcher took one look around the group and said, "Four total lost, sir. I don't know from what groups yet."

"Good. Everyone, let's get the hell away from here before they regroup. Grab any prisoners and let's fucking go."

They were very quick to comply with that order. I had us jogging or trotting through the forest less than a minute later. I grabbed one of the messengers while we were moving. "Go tell Midnight the mission was a success. I have no clue how many we killed, but we only lost four and the spy was planted."

"Yes sir." He lifted his wings and took off, getting above the branches and flying to home base. The rest of us continued running.

We made it to camp quickly enough. "Alright, five of you take those three prisoners to the Captain. She'll know what to do with them. Everyone else, take a breather. Watcher, you and your men replace Rain on the picket in three hours. I suggest you all get some rest." They all broke off into smaller groups. Watch approached me.

"Three of the missing ones are from my group. One's from Panzer's. If I had to say, we probably killed over thirty troops in the forest, though I have no idea how many the changeling got."

"Thanks, Watcher. Sorry for your losses, but at least we took out a bunch."

He nodded. "I know, sir. I've been in this business for a little while. I know how good the element of surprise is. Thankfully though, this is just a game."

"Yep. You should get some rest, man. I think we'll probably have a busy day tomorrow."

"Yeah. A suggestion, if I may: Do not forget that we are not alone. Don't run us all ragged trying to hog the glory. I know the princess is expecting a lot from you, but you are only as good as your troops."

"I know. But this is probably going to piss Shiny off, and if he makes a mistake I want to be able to exploit it. And that's why I'm trying to make sure you all get plenty of rest. If you ever think I do start running the men too much, let me know immediately. I've never commanded this many for this long and I might not notice."

"Yes sir. And while you remember us, do not forget about yourself."

"Let me worry about me, Watcher." The messenger I sent to Midnight did a fucking dive bomb landing next to me.

"Sir, the captain wants to see you right away."

I pulled my gauntlet off and removed my ring before replacing the gauntlet. I slid the ring into a pouch and said, "Lead the way." His wings shot out and I followed him into the air. We didn't go too far, but it was far enough that I was happy to be flying. He led me to a hole in the ground. I could see a few troops watching us, but none said anything.

I looked down at the hole. Then back up at him. "Are you fucking with me?"

"No sir. She's down there."

I shrugged and jumped down the hole. I came face to face with Princess Luna. "Navarone."

I nodded. "What's up, Luna?"

"I am here to investigate allegations of cheating. Did you cheat, Navarone?"

I crossed my arms. "I want you to ask Shining Armor how he's going to handle a battle against the griffins when they do something unexpected. Is he going to come crying to a princess about how the enemy cheated while his men get slaughtered around him?" I shook my head. "There is no cheating in war, Princess. There is victory or loss."

Midnight stepped up. "He's right, Princess. There are no official rules of this contest anyway. Cheating is impossible."

"Oh I know," Luna answered. "Which is why I am wondering why I am even wasting my time with this. What did you do, Navarone?"

"I sent Quisling into their base disguised as a sentry and had him kill almost all of the enemy's officers except for Shining Armor, Fancy Pants, and one more. I then created a distraction and led thirty or forty of his troops straight into an ambush."

She nodded. "I apologize for wasting your time, then. I will go and talk to Shining Armor." Her horn lit up and she teleported away.

Midnight turned to me. "Did you tally up your losses yet?"

"Four. I don't know what happened to Quisling, but I assume he successfully integrated. One of my group leaders believes we killed over thirty in the ambush, but none of us knows how successful Quisling was."

"Well I wasn't expecting to have to dip into estimates already… I'll send out a revised number count once I deal with the prisoners."

"Speaking of prisoners, what do you do with them?"

She shrugged. "They'll be hidden away until the end of the game. If they were unicorns I'd just quietly have them disposed of, since we don't have the resources to imprison them right now. Now, what other plans do you have?

"As of right now, none. I'm going to give my troops some time off. We've already taken out more than our fair share of the enemy, so I'll let them rest before we do anything major, unless something comes up."

"Fair enough. If anything comes up I'll send word your way. For now, you're dismissed."

"See you later then, Captain." She nodded as I pulled myself out of her bunker. My messenger was already gone. I shrugged and started walking back to base. Not like I really had any reason to hurry. It would probably take Shiny hours to figure out what happened and I wouldn't be surprised if he was unable get his force organized at all without any officers.

In the meantime, I was expecting easy pickings from every patrol he sent out.

From the looks of things, my attack demoralized Shining Armor's entire army. We had ponies in the woods watching them all that night and all the day, but not a single enemy troop left the shield.

Right as the sun was falling, I got another message from Midnight, a summons. I padded my way through the forest to her area. She was waiting outside of her hole in full armor.

"What's going on?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I don't want to explain it four more times. We'll wait for the others." I shrugged and kicked a spot clear on the ground before easing myself down. Thankfully, I took some time to clean my armor a few hours before I got summoned.

I don't know how far away the other group leaders were, but it took fifteen minutes for them all to arrive. Midnight stood in front of us and looked us all over. "As a few of you might know, last night Navarone and his troops managed to kill off almost every single officer Shining Armor has. Shining, naturally, called this cheating and complained to the princess. Princess Luna was sent to find out what happened. Navarone explained himself and explained some facts of war. The princess accepted this and teleported to explain the situation to Shining Armor." She grit her teeth for a moment before continuing, "Shining decided that if nothing constitutes cheating in this kind of battle, then capturing our princess might be a good idea." There was some gasping, but she held up a hoof and it was silenced. "I was not informed of this until half an hour ago by a messenger from Princess Celestia. We are going to rectify this immediately, and when we do we are going to get Princess Luna to fight with us, because she was forced into the conflict. Navarone, do you still have a way to get inside of Shining Armor's shield?"

I nodded. "It only works for one or maybe two people at a time, if they move right."

She nodded and looked around. "Freeing Princess Luna is now top priority. And it seems that, to Shining Armor, keeping her imprisoned is his top priority. None of our scouts report much movement in his camp. Suggestions to get her out?"

I lifted my hand immediately. She nodded at me. "Do we have any unicorns capable of casting an invisibility field for fifteen minutes?"

"Not in my group. Anypony else?"

One of the group leaders nodded. "We have somepony that can. She can project a small field, maybe six feet in every direction."

"That's enough," I said. "I can use her to sneak in and bust Luna out. She can get us out or we can just say fuck it and go on a full rampage in the middle of their base. With Luna on our side I imagine we could probably take out a good three hundred of them."

Midnight shook her head. "No. Rescue Princess Luna and use her to assassinate Shining Armor. I will not have a repeat of this incident. If Quisling is still impersonating one of their officers, we should have no problem either getting them to surrender immediately or be much easier to beat."

I nodded. "If Luna gives me different orders I'll have to obey her, but otherwise that's what we'll do."

She looked over to the other group leader. "Get your unicorn to Navarone's group. She'll be under his command for now. He's the only one with any real losses so far anyway. Everypony else, be ready to move your groups to the edge of the forest. When Nav makes his move we might be charging the enemy base."

They all nodded and departed. I pulled myself to my feet and walked back to my group, calling my three group leaders over.

"We got a problem," I said. "Don't tell any of the troops this yet, but Shining Armor captured Luna. Don't ask how and don't ask why. I'm going to be getting her back soon, or at least I'm going to attempt to."

"Which group are you taking?" Steel asked.

"None. It'll just be me and a single unicorn. Watcher, we'll both need to be muffled before we get out of the forest."

He nodded. "I volunteer to be the single unicorn," he said.

I shook my head. "Unless you can project an invisibility field and hold it up for a good while, no. This is going to be raw stealth."

He sighed. "I think we only have one or two unicorns that strong. None in my group, either."

"Yeah. She'll be here soon. We'll still need the muffle spell, though."

"Very well. You shall have it. And you'll have another spell of my making to help darken your path, on the off chance you do get seen."

"I won't say no to that."

"Good. I'll need every unicorn in this group to pull it off, though."

I looked at the other two. "Thoughts?" They both nodded. "You have your unicorns. Have them ready when the mare gets here." He went off to go get together the people he needed. "You two have all the other troops ready to march with us. The captain wants everyone on the forest's edge in case Luna goes avenging angel and we need to help her." _And me, of course._

They both went off to gather everyone else. That left me with Sunshine Smiles breathing down my neck, asking, "What's going on?"

"Big things. Join Panzer's group. She lost a pegasus last night."

"Sir, you're breaking into the enemy's base. I want to help!"

"Help by staying back. That's an order, Smiles. I don't need to risk three people bumbling about in that place. Two is risky enough."

"…Would it help if I said please?"

"It would not." He sighed, hung his head, and turned around to go. A few paces after he started walking away, he turned and tried giving me puppy dog eyes. As soon as I saw that I turned around and walked away.

And bumped into a tiny unicorn. "Pardon me," I said. "Are you the mare I'm waiting for?"

"Yes sir." I looked her up and down. I swear she was about the same size as Sweetie Belle. "Trooper Dew, at your service."

"…Right. You're the invisibility expert?" She nodded. "Okay, this is how it's going to work: You and I are going to be hit with a muffle spell, which removes our ability to make any sound at all. You will then cast your invisibility field and I will lead you by the horn to their base. Follow me exactly and be very careful about any enemy soldier. When we get to their base, I am going to slip something onto your horn and we're going to walk through the shield together. When we do that, we are going to go visible for a very short amount of time, so we have to be quick. We are then going to search the enemy base for Princess Luna. When I go to let her out, I'm going to become visible again for just long enough to get her free. We might get new orders from her. If we do not, we will move on to kill Shining Armor. Questions?"

"When do we leave?"

I grinned, liking that answer. "As soon as my groups ready to move." I looked around me and saw them all in a formation. "Which means now. Everyone, to the edge of the forest! Double time, now!" We all began jogging to the edge, not worrying about scouts or flankers. We made good time, and were soon spread out along the edge, looking at the bubble. Dew and Watcher were next to me, one on either side. "Whenever you're ready, Watcher." His horn lit up and I felt a cool embrace around me. I slammed my gauntleted fists together and made no sound. I thought of something really quick and took my gauntlets off, leaving them on Watcher's back; I needed quick access to my fingers.

"I'll watch them for you, Sir Navarone," he said. "Now, for my little surprise. Unicorns, focus your power on me!" Several horns lit up all around us and I saw a few beams hitting Watcher. His horn lit up very brightly and then pulsed dark black as a wave of black fog drifted from his horn, slowly blanketing the grassland.

_That is fucking awesome._

Flo whispered, "And dangerous. Be careful with the unicorn you are guiding, Navarone. There is something wrong with that fog."

I gripped her by the horn and nodded at her. It lit up and we vanished from view. I began walking through the fog toward where I last saw the bubble, hoping I would be able to get there in the extra darkness given by the fog.

I set a brisk pace, fast enough to cover ground but not too fast that the short unicorn couldn't follow. She followed easily enough, and soon we were at the edge of the bubble. I pulled us as close as I could without actually touching it, pulled out my ring, put it to the tip of her horn and put it halfway on my finger while partially on her horn. We both went visible and I quickly pulled us through the portal. As soon as we were inside I pulled the ring away from both of us and we became invisible again. I stopped and looked around, making sure no one had seen us.

Thankfully, the pickets seemed more concerned with the black fog than with two people suddenly appearing right inside the border of their base. I began leading Dew into their abode, skirting around the worried looking sentries. Not so thankfully, I had completely forgotten that putting the ring on would turn off the muffle spell. Still, the guards were too lax; they knew something was about to happen, but they had no idea what. We were able to sneak around them silently and easily even without the muffle effect.

It didn't take us long to find Princess Luna. She was looking very enraged and was surrounded by a full fifteen troops.

_Welp. Flashbang time?_

Flo said, "Throw it away from them, because if it blinds Luna it would be hard to get her to move." I nodded, reached into my cloak, and pulled out a flashbang. I pulled the pin and lobbed it out of the field before moving my hand from Dew's horn to her eyes, covering them as I looked away.

A second later, it went off with a horribly loud bang. The officer in charge of guarding Luna yelled, "Guards, investigate! I will watch her myself." They didn't hesitate an instant, all running off to see what the disturbance was. The officer quietly said, "Hurry! That won't distract them long!"

I pulled Dew up past Quisling and put my ring on, pushing my hand through Luna's barrier. I let my ring slip off my hand onto her horn and had the unique experience of having my hand throw backwards at a terrifying rate, pushing me onto my ass just inside the invisibility field.

Luna, of course, was free. She removed herself from the bubble shield she was in as I stood up and walked over to remove the ring around her horn. "Navarone, I want you to go find Shining Armor and tear his throat out with your fangs."

"My pleasure. Dew, you ready?"

She was breathing pretty heavily. "I… need a moment or two, sir." I nodded.

Luna looked over to the officer and said, "Quisling, I believe that after this your cover will be blown. I leave it up to you on whether to stay or leave."

"I'll stay, princess." She nodded once.

"Navarone, when the deed is done return here and I will teleport us away from camp."

"Awesome. Dew, you ready?" She nodded. I pulled her away from Luna, who cast another veil of invisibility on herself, hiding from view. I led my little unicorn over to where I threw the flashbang, since I heard a lot of yelling over there.

And that is where I saw Shining Armor tearing into the troops for leaving Luna almost unguarded. I let go of Dew, tightly gripped my ring so that it was ready to slip on, and sprinted away from her. I jumped onto the guard in front of me, using my wings to propel me up and over him and the others right into Shining Armor. His face dropped as soon as he saw me and his horn lit up. I had pushed my ring on as soon as I used my wings, though, so I managed to slam into him with no problems. With my force and his surprise, he ended up on his back with me on his stomach.

I immediately turned my head sideways and bit into his throat before tearing up and out with as much force as I could. He almost immediately disappeared and I jumped up, pulling out my sword and a knife and facing down the troops.

They were all staring at me with complete shock on their face. My face was actually dripping blood that I got from piercing his throat or something.

I took one step toward them and they all bolted.

Of course, there was even more bedlam than that in the camp right now, given that the shield was now down. My little murder did have quite a nice effect.

I pulled my ring off and ran over to where I left Dew. I almost tripped over her, but she pushed a hoof out to steady me and I caught myself. I grabbed her horn and started walking back to where we left Luna. Quisling was gone. I couldn't see Luna, but I was hoping she was still there. "Dew, make us visible." We reappeared in thin air. Luna appeared a moment later, before all three of us teleported back to the forest.

"Thank you again, Navarone and Dew. That was not very wise of Shining Armor."

I shrugged. "But why didn't we destroy their camp while we were there? I figured you could have done it."

"Oh I could have. And had this been an actual war I would have. However, I want to see what the day guards will attempt to do now that they have been demoralized and almost completely beheaded. And with Quisling there as one of the only officers… This will be quite interesting."

"So what will you do?"

"It is fully within my place to stay here and aid in the war effort. Any noncombatant that is pulled into combat on either side has every right to join whichever side they wish, or no side at all. However, I will return to Canterlot. If you need my aid to win this battle now, there is a problem."

"Very well. I might just dictate orders from the back and let my officers do the job for me, since we're probably going to win either way. It will be good experience for them."

"Do as you would, Navarone. I will see you shortly." She teleported away before more could be said.

"Thanks for the help, Dew. Shall we go look for our regiment?"

"Sir, I'm really tired… That spell took a lot out of me."

"I see. Hold on, I'll be right back." I stretched my wings and flew through the tree branches so I could get a fix on where we were. I saw the edge of the forest and the black fog a few thousand yards away. I landed next to Dew, who looked about ready to collapse. I reached under her and gently picked her up, thanking the naga for making me work out so much. "Come on, Dew. I'll get you back to your platoon."

"Thank you, sir." I started walking toward the edge of the forest. We made it quickly enough and I found a group of troops I could leave little Dew with. I set her down with them and got directions to the command group. I flew over to them and saw a few officers arguing.

Midnight looked over when she saw me. "Navarone, how did the mission go?" The arguing died off as everyone turned to me.

"Well. Luna is safe, Shining Armor is dead, and the enemy is or was in panic mode. Luna decided to return to Canterlot, saying that we could handle this without her."

"…Why is your mouth bloody?"

I grinned a toothy smile. "Luna had a request for how I deal with Shining Armor."

I heard Steel Rain say, "That is _awesome_."

Midnight shrugged. "Whatever works. Do you have any suggestions on what to do now?"

I nodded out to the fog. "The enemy is in that mess and in complete disarray. If we charge into it we might be able to catch them by surprise and finish this quickly. We would have losses, but the enemy is demoralized, terrified, and they know something bad is going to happen. If we wait, Fancy Pants might take control and continue the games. He could attempt to build an actual temporary fort with palisades and all that. Either way, he could turn this into a defensive game and then we could be here for who knows how long. Or he might go raw offensive, thinking that's his only way to win. My suggestion is take them out now, while we know we have the upper hand. We might take more casualties this way, but victory is almost definitely assured."

"I do not like casualties, Navarone. I want this victory to be as one-sided as possible."

"Then let's get everyone loaded up onto chariots, fly over the enemies, dispel the fog, and then shoot magic onto them. Then we can go back to the forest and wait to see what happens, or we can charge them."

She nodded. "Anypony else have any ideas?"

One officer held up a hoof. "We'll need to make sure any pegasus resistance is minimized if we do that. We'll need to make sure we have ponies guarding the chariots."

I nodded. "Just like World War II. Chariots are bombers and pegasi are fighter pilots. He's right."

Midnight nodded. "Everypony, send pegasi to get your chariots and get them here. Navarone, your pegasi will be the guards since it is your unicorns that are charging the fog. When we get everypony into the air, have the fog shut down." All the group leaders nodded and ran off to do their thing.

I turned to Steel Rain. "You're in charge of the pegasi guarding the chariots. Make sure they stay safe. Hopefully you won't get much resistance. If you do, _stay with the chariots_. Don't fall for a feint."

"Yes sir. We won't let you down."

He ran off to find our troops. "Panzer, make sure Watcher and his unicorns stay safe. I don't expect any of the enemy to make a run for the forest, but if they do I want you to put them down before they find our tired unicorns."

"We'll keep them safe, sir." She ran off to organize them.

I turned to find Midnight watching me. She said, "I thought you weren't a soldier before."

"I'm not. I just know some history and I have common sense. Or at least, I have what is for humans common sense. Winning a battle against prey animals isn't that hard, no offense."

"I suppose it wouldn't be. Are you going to be joining the attack?"

"Nah. I want to see what my officers can do."

"In that case, I'll leave you in charge of all the earth ponies we're forced to leave behind. If you think the enemy is breaking or broken, I want you to lead them in a charge. I'm like you; I want this to end tonight if possible."

"Then I'll do my best to make that happen. I assume you're going with the attack?"

She nodded. "I'll join the guards around them, just in case."

"Hey, if you want the glory of the final charge I can go with the unicorns instead. It's past time you saw some action."

"I would like that, Nav. I do not think the enemy's pegasi will be doing much. In that case, you are in charge of the attack. I will charge if I think it is a good time. If I do charge, feel free to send your pegasi down to the ground to attack enemy unicorns. I'm going to have almost nothing but earth ponies, so we'll need some way to even it out."

"You got it. See you when it's all over, then." I spread my wings and flew off to where my group was to meet up with the pegasi. I landed right next to Steel Rain.

"Extra orders, sir?"

"Nope. The captain wants me to go as extra muscle. You're still in charge, though. I'll just be flying with you."

"Yes sir. You're welcome here, that's for sure." And thus began the wait. Thankfully, it wasn't a long one and the chariots quickly joined us. Unicorns started loading up right on the edge of the fog. When they started taking off, Rain said, "That's our cue! Into the air and follow them! Stay on the chariots, everypony."

_I guess that doesn't apply to me_. I spread my wings out and followed the group into the air and we began trailing behind the chariots.

The fog slowly seeped into the ground, leaving the ground clear of obstruction and showing us the enemy spread out among the grassland. There were a few pockets of troops that were standing in circles with their backs to the center, presumably being careful to watch on all sides in case anything showed up in the fog. _Guess it's a good thing we didn't charge._

Their odd formations made it rather easy for the unicorns to send down all manner of destructive magic on them, though. The casualties very quickly racked up. I saw a few of their unicorns trying to fire off spells at us, but since we were all moving it was much harder. Some pegasi also tried coming at us, but Rain's group kept them well clear of the chariots.

Soon the moderately disarrayed enemy was extremely disarrayed. Magic shots lit up the night as they flew down at them and up at us.

We were doing extremely well when one of the enemy unicorns got lucky and managed to clip one of my wings, sending me spiraling to the ground. I fell twenty feet before painfully landing in a chariot.

"I got you, sir," the unicorn said, steadying me.

"That fucking hurt," I groaned, pulling myself to my feet. "How's the battle look, soldier?"

"Good, sir. They don't know what hit them."

"Excellent." I pulled my crossbow up and loaded it, taking a shot at a unicorn and removing him from the game. "Let's continue hurting them, shall we?"

"Yes sir!" His horn lit up and he went back to it. He shot magic, I shot bolts, and the enemy died.

About three minutes after I unexpectedly joined the ranged battle, I heard a thundering sound getting closer to our location. I looked out toward the woods and saw about a hundred and seventy earth ponies charging the enemy, Midnight Blossom at their head with a feral grin on her face. There were five griffins flying above them, looking like they were just waiting for a pony to rend. I had no idea how many enemies there were left, but they were probably broken enough to easily take out.

I would fly down and join the melee attack, but with one useless wing I couldn't. I could, however, get my chariot down low enough that I could jump out. "PEGASI, TAKE US LOW!"

One of the pullers gave me a 'you what mate' look. I pointed down. He shrugged and started angling to the ground, forcing the other with him. When we were finally about five feet from the grassland I jumped out, using an enemy earth pony to break my fall.

I slammed a dagger into his surprised back and sent him away just as the friendly troops hit the first group of enemies. I slid my ring on before jumping to my feet and drawing my sword, striking down another enemy before he even realized that his friend was gone.

That's when the fun began. I was in a few large battles with the slaves, but I was usually doing my best to avoid getting hit and avoid the fight more than killing the enemy. This time, I was actually trying to kill.

For those of you that have never experienced killing anything bigger than a bug, know that it gives you a rush unlike any other. I admit that I don't much like putting myself in danger, but in a game like this where there's no chance of actually getting hurt? I was having the time of my life, using what the naga taught me to lay into the terrified ponies around me.

I was fighting like a madman, throwing my blade to and fro and killing anything that got within range. Flo was whispering in my mind to tell me whenever she heard an enemy trying to get behind me.

Now I'll admit, normally if I went one on one with any of these soldiers they would probably kill me. But at night, while they were scared out of their minds and seeing enemies everywhere they looked, I was a god of battle, a whirling dervish of death and horror.

I actually stayed a few steps ahead of the main body of friendly troops so I didn't accidentally hit any of them. Because of that, I was the first one to find their last line of resistance.

Fancy Pants stood ahead of me, decked out in bright gold-colored armor. Behind him stood rank after rank of day guards, a mix of all three flavors. Behind me stood rows of disorderly night guards, all rearing for a fight. _We _had gotten plenty of sleep. They had not, from the looks of things. A number of enemies had bags under their eyes, though they still seemed ready for a fight.

We stood off against them, my soldiers forming up behind me. They didn't bother with ranks, though they probably could have if they so chose.

Even the chariots landed down on our lines, the unicorns jumping out.

Fancy Pants took a few steps forward, his men not moving. I walked up to him. "Ah, Navarone. It's good to see you again, though I wish it was under more pleasant circumstances."

I shrugged. "Eh, you know how it is."

"Hm, indeed. You have a little something…" He pointed at his chin.

I rubbed a bare hand across it, my gauntlets still with Watcher. "Yeah, Princess Luna had a request for how I took down Shining Armor. She wanted me to bite his throat out."

"Nasty bit of business, that. Me and the other officer, whatever his name is, tried to get the captain to release her, but he would hear none of it. I suppose it came back to bite him."

We both grinned at the pun. "Yeah. I don't suppose you and your men are ready to surrender? It would save everyone some casualties, and don't think you're going to win. If I had to guess I'd say you have less than a hundred troops behind you. I have over three hundred with me. Both sides are tired. Let's just call it, shall we?"

"I'm afraid that it isn't that simple. I can't as a knight in good standing surrender without at least making an attempt to fight back. A deal, if you would?" _I know where this is going._ "We duel. If you win, my troops surrender. If I win, we fight to the death. Is that fair?"

"It's really not. You know your men are going to lose no matter the case. Why drag them to their graves? If you just want to duel me, we can have a friendly bout later, with no risk to your men."

He looked around the battlefield. "Navarone, this _is _a friendly bout. Nopony will die here."

"Yes, but we're supposed to pretend this is a real war. Why care about honor and dueling when you can make sure your men go home to see their families? If I lose, they die, as do more of my troops. There's no reason other than a last stand to do that, and I know that ponies do not have the emotion of spite."

"Correct. We do, however, have honor."

"Then do the honorable thing and surrender so that you and your men might live and go home."

He sighed, kicking a hoof onto the ground. "You have a silver tongue, Navarone. I know it has to get you in trouble with the mares." He turned his head to his men. "STAND DOWN!" There were looks of shock etched into all of their faces as he turned back to me. "We surrender, Navarone. But I want that sparring bout you promised me."

I put my sword and dagger away. "You'll have it." I looked behind me and waved Midnight forward. She came trotting up to me. "He and his men surrender."

"Unbelievable…" she whispered. "Very well. Sir Fancy Pants, I accept your surrender. You and your troops will be treated with honor, as prisoners should be." There was silence for a moment. "Well, I suppose the games are over."

He sighed and nodded. "Indeed they are, Miss Blossom. Princess Celestia is going to be disappointed, I believe. Shall we begin loading up the chariots, then?"

"Yes, have your remaining troops load up. If you need any assistance with getting excess chariots back, let us know. We might have enough spare pegasi to pull some," Midnight said.

"I'll leave that up to my remaining officer," he said, waving forward Quisling.

"That's actually a changeling working for us," I said as Quisling joined us.

"Well. I suppose I will see you in a few minutes, Sir Navarone. I would like to talk to you, if you would have me on your chariot."

I shrugged. "Sure. Go take care of your business. We'll be over here, I suppose." He rejoined his rather depressed troops and we went back to our joyful ones.

When we were right in front of the lines, Midnight stopped and called out in a voice that carried, "Victory is ours, everypony." There was some happy cheering and all that. You know, the usual. Eventually Midnight started calling for silence. "Now, we need to get all the chariots and troops over here. We also need to pick up the prisoners we had and get them back. Everypony, you know your jobs. Get to it."

Most of the pegasi jumped into the air, flying around to get either chariots or the troops we left in the woods, not that there were many. Steel Rain landed next to me. "Any last orders, sir?"

"Make sure Watcher and Panzer get out here. I don't want to leave them behind. And make sure we get our chariots back as well."

"Yes sir." He saluted and flew over to his group of pegasi.

I walked over to Quisling. "My knife?" I said.

He pulled something out of his armor as he melted back to his normal disguise. "That is an excellent knife, sir. Where did you get it?"

"The naga. They make very good weapons."

"That they do, sir… Also, do you mind if I fed some more? It's not always easy for me to find food in Canterlot."

"Go ahead." I knelt down and let him into my mind. He hummed something as he fed.

Eventually he pulled away. "Thank you, sir."

"No problem. Rejoin your normal unit, Quisling." He saluted and trotted off.

I looked around the empty area and saw Fancy Pants talking to Midnight. I assumed it was about appropriating pegasi, and when Midnight nodded a few of them over to the day guards I was proven right. Fancy Pants nodded a thanks and started wearily walking to me. I met him halfway.

"I am not as young as I used to be," he sighed, stretching. "Not getting much sleep last night and none this night is taking its toll on me."

"Imagine how they feel," I said, nodding at his troops. "Some of them saw me use my _teeth _to tear out their commander's throat. I imagine their morale is going to be quite low for a while."

He nodded. "Yes, this wasn't exactly our best moment. Celestia will have some words for both me and Shining Armor when we see her again."

"Hey, if she gets mad just tell her to chillax. And then scratch at her ears or rub her belly. She loves that."

"It disturbs me that you know that, but honestly I am no longer surprised by anything you do."

One of the chariots pulled up in front of me and we both got on. "So what did you want to talk about?" I asked as I got as comfortable as I could on the contraption. I quickly found my gauntlets there, presumably left by Watcher.

"I assumed you would be interested in what was happening in our camp during the game." The chariot slowly took off and thus began our trek back to Canterlot.

"Yeah. What was Shiny up to?"

"Before I continue, I want it known that I do not think Shining Armor is as useless a commander as this exercise made him out to be. He is under a lot of stress with his wife's attempted assassination, after all. And he did have a number of surprises planned for you that he didn't get to use."

"Right."

"Yes. Well, the first indication that I knew this was going to be a short game was when two troopers sprinted back to base screaming and raving about night troops falling from the sky and the murderous monkey that was eating a guard that turned into a zombie." He chuckled. "That was a surprise, let me tell you. And Shining Armor was not pleased at losing so many troops so quickly into the game, including his most talented scouting officer. He decided to take the rest of the day off to let the panic simmer down from what the two returning troopers had said and reported. Of course, that night is when you struck. I have to say, if you had chosen to go after Shining Armor this game would have turned out very differently. He was waiting for you, Navarone. And I mean you personally. When you did not arrive and the screams started, he knew you had out planned him by going after another target. So he rushed out, expecting to find you running through camp causing chaos. Imagine his surprise when he saw nothing but a cloud of extremely painful gas."

I nodded. "Tear gas. Used for crowd suppression."

"Whatever it was, it caused a panic among the troops. Some of them heard you yelling from one side of the camp and a number of troops automatically started charging that way. Shining Armor was expecting their officers to tell them to halt. He didn't realize yet just what you had done. When he did, he galloped to the order-callers and had them blow the trumpets for 'hold your position.' Most of the troops continued charging, following you across the field. And then you hit them with that marvelous ambush. It took us an hour to pick up just what had happened, though we didn't know you planted a spy. When Shining Armor found out that you had killed almost all of his officers and used an actually dangerous weapon, he reported your actions to the princess. Princess Luna sided with you and assured us that Princess Celestia would do the same when she woke up. So Shining Armor decided it would be a smart idea, since there were no rules in war, to capture your leader and hold her over you."

"Bad idea," I said with a smile.

"Very. He ordered all of his troops to stay in camp while he did his best to reorganize everypony under the commands of the two officers he had left, me and your spy. And then night fell."

I grinned. "And Celestia told us that you had our princess. The end for you."

"Indeed. Once again, this was not our finest moment. I believe that might have something to do with you, though."

"Yep. I have a ring that makes me immune to magic, meaning I was able to slip through Shiny's shield. All of the troopers were too dependent on it, so they didn't even see us as we broke in. I had a number of other dirty plans, if this game had continued to run on. Hell, I almost wanted it to."

He nodded. "And so did I, so that I might have fought against you. But this might be for the best."

"Eh, maybe. It just means I get to use my plans later instead."

"And I look forward to the fight next year, if I am to be used as Celestia's knight." Not that I would be there, of course.

Well, that brought in the awkward silence. "So how's the wife?" I eventually asked.

"Expensive as always. I knew what I was getting into when I married her, so I can't complain. Still, I wish she wasn't as blatantly obvious with her boy toys. It makes me look bad that I don't care about her behavior."

"…You knew about that?"

"Of course I knew. You don't think an older stallion like myself expected to keep her satisfied, do you? Once again, I knew what I was getting into when I married her." He barked a laugh. "I've only heard of one young stallion that ever dared stand her up, and she trumped up charges to get him arrested. I heard he did a few… heh, _favors _for the princess and got freed." _Holy shit, Rarity actually went with my excuse._ "She is a trouble maker, but she can be fun and she definitely has her uses." _Uses that I don't want to think about._ "What of you, Nav? Do you have a special somepony yet?"

"Nope. After a few bad encounters I think I'm done with mares. I'm looking at other races, now."

"A shame, but I don't suppose it is my loss."

Man, I don't feel like writing small talk. It's called small for a reason. We kept up a light conversation the rest of the way back to Canterlot. We landed, shook hands/hooves, and he left to see Celestia while I left to look for Luna. Since Celestia was probably asleep I imagine he had a longer wait than I did.

As it was, Midnight and I got to Luna's throne room at the same time. I graciously held the door open for her and followed her in. We walked up to Luna's dais. Blossom bowed and I nodded.

Luna was grinning. "You both did wonderfully. Defeating Celestia's entire army with just over twenty casualties… That is a record. And all in two days, yet another record." She nodded. "You succeeded in what I told you to, Navarone. You definitely embarrassed Shining Armor."

Blossom jerked back. "I thought the goal was to win, Princess. Not just… embarrass Shining Armor."

"_Your _goal was to win, Captain," Luna said, nodding. "Navarone's goal from me was to embarrass Shining Armor."

"That… is unorthodox, Princess," Blossom tactfully said.

"Yes, it is. If you require nothing else, Captain, would you mind leaving me and my knight alone? I have words for him."

Captain Midnight saluted and turned to go. She grabbed my arm and pulled me down to whisper, "Party in the Shady Trough as soon as you get free." She let me go and left. The Shady Trough was the bar the night guards had. It sounded like it might be fun.

Of course, her leaving meant I was alone with Luna. She grinned down at me from her throne. "How shall I celebrate victory this glorious victory with my favorite knight?" she mused, stepping down from the dais and walking over to me.

"I can think of a few things."

"Ohhh? And what might those things be?"

"You sitting back down and me leaving."

That definitely stunned her. She gave me a confused look. "What?"

"That's the reward I want. Me leaving the castle. Or a few thousand bits, whichever."

"…You don't want something we'd both enjoy?"

"Not really. I'll see you later, Luna." I turned and walked out, leaving her very confused form standing there in front of the throne.

I went straight to the bar and had fun with my troops. It was awesome.


	73. Chapter Seventy-One

Chapter Seventy-One

When I got back home the next morning, I was in dire need of a shower. I landed and stood in front of the door for a moment, stretching my aching back. It was not happy about me being in armor for so long. I let myself in and found Shining Armor heading to the door.

He barely spared me a glance before pushing past me to get outside. I closed the door behind him and continued inside, stripping my armor off as I walked in and casually tossing it on the floor to be picked up whenever I felt like it.

Fuck yeah, home ownership. No more Twilight telling me not to leave shit lying around.

I found Cadance in the kitchen, looking rather depressed. The puppy was with her and seemed to be trying to cheer her up or something. Cadance jumped back and let out a startled sound when she saw me. The puppy seemed to grin and walked over to me, jumping up onto one of my legs.

"What?" I asked as I patted the dog's head.

"Your… your face…" She shook her head quickly. "Sorry, I'm just not used to seeing you looking like a night soldier." _Oh yeah, I forgot about that. _I left before I could get Luna to turn me back. "What did you do to Shiny?"

"You know, the usual. Just embarrassed him by beating him with around twenty casualties. I also tore out his throat in front of his troops." I was walking over to the fridge to see if there was anything to eat while I was saying that, the wolf trailing behind me. "I gotta say, that was an easy fight."

"I can never tell when you're being serious…"

I pulled my head out of the fridge after finding nothing readily edible. "Oh yeah, he went down with almost no fight at all." I closed the fridge and leaned back on it. "The game actually ended last night after he was stupid enough to capture Princess Luna. She was not amused. Of course, by that point I had already snuck into his camp and killed off most of his officers and planted a changeling spy, so the game was over anyway."

"I see." She didn't sound all that amused. I wasn't surprised, since she was the princess of love or whatever and it was her husband that I was talking about humiliating.

"Anything cool happen here?"

"Not really, no. Can we talk about Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?"

"No, we can't. I'm going to go take a shower. I don't imagine I smell pleasant." I started to walk out, but she stepped in front of me. I crossed my arms. "Look, I know this love shit is your job. But I suggest you back the fuck away from my life. I know what I'm doing."

"You obviously don't, if you can't see what's right in front of your face!"

"What, you mean Fluttershy's crush on me? I'm not blind. I thought I had already dealt with it, but it came back. It won't be a problem for much longer. Now stand aside."

"I will when you explain why it won't be a problem for much longer."

I shrugged, turned around, and walked over to the backdoor that was thankfully connected to the kitchen. She teleported over there and I spun and sprinted out the door to the hallway before she could recover.

Of course, I wasn't wearing my ring so I got as far as to the staircase before she grabbed me with magic. "That's cheating!" The puppy whined, sensing my unpleased mood.

"Playing fair is reserved for when I'm playing, Navarone," she answered as she dragged me back to the kitchen. "Something you apparently know much about, if what Shining Armor said is true. So what did you mean by it not being a problem? Are you and Rainbow Dash going to start dating or something?"

"Dash is a lesbian, so no. If I tell you this, you have to swear to tell no one else either directly or indirectly."

"Nav, I would never tell anypony your secrets."

"That is not a swear, Cadance."

She rolled her eyes. "You sound just like Celestia. Fine, I swear."

"I'm leaving Equestria in less than a year and I might not ever come back."

And there's the gasp. But she actually took a moment to consider it before nodding and saying, "I suppose I understand. But why can't I tell anypony?"

"Because if anyone knows they'll try to get me to stay and that would just get annoying. I _will _leave. The only thing that isn't decided yet is if I come back. Now put me down, I need a shower."

"Not just yet. What about Fluttershy? You know she has feelings for you. Why would you throw that away, even after what you've been through?"

"Just because she feels for me doesn't mean I do for her. Besides, I think the only reason she wants me is because she sees me and thinks I'm hurt and wants to help heal me. That isn't the kind of relationship I want to be in."

She put me down. "I'll talk to her and try to dissuade her from you, then. Maybe I can spare at least one heart from you."

I nodded. "Thank you. I do not handle these things well." Understatement of the year. "I'm going to go take a shower. If you ever find out that anyone else has a crush on me, please do your best to extinguish it."

She sighed, looking away. "Navarone, I want to _foster _love, not kill it. I do this because you are my friend and because I don't want to hurt Fluttershy. I will try not to make a habit of it."

I shrugged. "Whatever. I'm gonna go take a shower."

She mumbled, "Why do I put up with this?" as I walked back out. That's a fair question, honestly. Thankfully, the dog didn't try to follow me out. I assumed he knew what a shower was.

When I got out of the shower and back downstairs, I found that all of the armor I had so carefully strewn about was gone. Before I could ask where it went, the naga entered the house, slamming the door shut. When he saw me he grinned.

"Human, I need your assistance with something."

"What with?"

He held up a bouquet of lightly photoluminescent flowers that seemed somewhat wilted. "I have an admirer that I need to get rid of."

"Dude, it's a giant fucking squid. Just stay away from the lake, problem solved."

He scowled. "Human, that thing is evil. I caught it trying to sneak into the fortress today. I quickly had the gate shut before it could get in. It threw these over the wall." He dropped the flowers to the floor in disgust.

I was still trying to take that in. "It… walked here? Are you sure you aren't still drunk?"

"The bug saw it as well."

"Huh. Did you try telling it that you weren't interested?"

"…I did not. I assumed running away from it and slamming the gate in its face would be enough."

"Well, let's go tell him then. I'll stand back so if he goes crazy and drags you to the bottom to rape you I won't get caught."

"Yes, that makes me feel so much better." I think that's the first time I've ever heard a naga try sarcasm. "Maybe if I tell it that I am married with children it will leave me alone."

I shook my head. "No. Tell it that you aren't interested at all. Don't mention your wife or kids. If it's smart it might think that you aren't interested because of your wife and kids, and that he needs to get you away from them."

He groaned. "Relationships outside of the clan are so strange. Do things like this actually happen?"

"Don't know. Let's just go before Cadance shows up and uses her magic to send it straight to shit."

He looked behind me down the hall to the kitchen. I turned that way and saw shadows looming ominously. "That would be a good idea, human." He led the way to the gate that was still closed. Instead of getting it opened, he pulled himself up to a tall height, turned his tail in a corkscrew, and propelled himself over the wall in what was probably one of the most terrifying things I had seen in a while.

I flew over the wall and followed him as he slithered toward the lake. "Cain, if this does not work we are going to be eating squid tonight."

"I never was a fan of calamari…"

"I have never had it." _I wouldn't be so sure about that._ "It looks disgusting and rubbery, but I would not let it go to waste."

"Well, here's hoping it doesn't come to that. I for one don't want to eat that shit."

And we were about at the moment of truth, now; we could see the lake where we were. "Are you sure about this?" he asked as we stopped.

"Absolutely." _Not at all_. "If he drags you in, I'll be sure to go and get help."

"Your bravery brings tears to my eyes. I will be back soon, Cain. Either with this squid's head or alone."

I crossed my arms and settled in to wait while the naga inched toward the lake. Soon enough he was standing right in front of it. I saw a dark blemish in the water before the squid surfaced. Its eyes widened when it saw the naga and all of its legs that were above water spread apart, presumably for a hug.

I couldn't hear what the naga was saying, but it looked like it was having an effect on the squid. Soon its legs were pulled back in and I could tell it was quivering. Two of the legs went to its eyes and I saw crocodile tears begin to fall into the lake. After a few more words were said at it, the naga turned around and quickly moved back my way. I could hear distraught noises coming from the squid and it bawled its eyes out.

"Let's go, Cain," the naga quietly said. "Quickly. I do not want to be seen near this thing."

I was looking back at it. "Shit dude, you broke its heart."

"I do not care. Let us go." I shrugged and began following him back home.

"So what did you tell it, anyway?"

"I called it a hideous beast and that if I ever saw it again I would murder it."

"…Huh." Well, at least there's someone out there that cares less about hurting people than I do.

"You do not sound like you approve, Cain."

"Oh, it got the job done. But it was needlessly mean. You could have at least tried being nicer."

"I will remember that the next time I wake up coiled with a monster. Since I am never touching alcohol again, I do not think that will be a problem."

"Well, whatever." Not like it mattered. I mean, even if the squid did try to attack my house I'm pretty sure we could take him down. Still, I imagined that it was lonely in that lake.

"So why are your wings different?"

"I just got back from a competition. I was helping the night guards, and I needed to match. I forgot to get turned back before I left."

"I assume you won?"

"Completely dominated. With the mix of your training and my human knowledge, the enemy fell quickly. The game usually last a week or longer. I ended them in two days."

"It is good to see what I am teaching you is working, though I am hardly close to finished. I will make a naga warrior out of you if it kills you."

"I think I would give up long before the point of it killing me. Trust me though, I know what good training will do. I've been almost killed too many times."

"Good, then that means you won't mind training today."

"Need to find my armor first. I don't know where it went."

"The bug took it. I was wondering why she was cleaning up after you when the squid showed up."

_I don't guess they have servants_. "Then I'll clean it and we can start training again. Easy enough."

Half a month later I got a crazy looking purple unicorn visitor. I let Twilight in and sat her down in my living room, since I knew it wasn't her heat cycle. "Nav, do you remember when you said you'd help me prank Princess Celestia?"

"Can't say that I do," I answered, sitting down and leaning back on my leathery wings. I hadn't been anywhere near Ponyville in two weeks because of how I looked, which made both the naga and the puppy ecstatic. I really need to name that dog…

"You know, during Cadance's wedding?"

I shook my head. "I don't remember much of anything that week. I know a lot of important stuff happened, but I can't for the life of me remember them. I occasionally have to read over my journal to remind myself that week even happened."

"Oh… Well, you promised to help me prank the princess."

"Yeah, I could see that happening. That was over a year ago, though. Why is this just now being brought up?"

"Navarone, you do not get revenge for rape and attempted murder in a simple mindless prank. This took a year of planning and setting up the stage. I'm just missing two pieces, now. I need you to get me to Princess Luna, and if she agrees I need you to make sure Celestia is very deeply asleep one night."

"Easy enough. So what's the prank?"

She shook her head. "I can't tell you. Sorry Nav, but the fewer ponies that are aware of what's happening the more effective it is. It'll be just me and Luna. And if you ask her it'll ruin the entire thing. I need you to pretend this conversation never happened."

"Eh, I've done weirder. I have an easy excuse for visiting Luna, too. When do you want to do this?"

"Tonight."

"Well shit, thanks for the fucking heads up." It was already three in the afternoon. "We leaving now or what?"

"Sorry for not being able to tell you sooner, Nav, but I've been busy keeping the library in order around whatever's happening in there. That little ghost thinks it's getting the better of me… IT'S NOT!"

_Yeah, she's nutters._ "Let me just grab my sword and we can go. I think my train pass allows a single guest, if you don't have a ticket yet."

"Oh no, we're not going by train. I took the liberty of sending Princess Luna a letter saying you wanted to see her tonight. The chariot is already outside."

"…What if I had said no?" She shrugged. "Well, I need to go tell Taya and Cadance where I'm going. I also need to make sure the dog is fed, because I probably won't get back until tomorrow morning."

"How exactly are you going to make sure she stays asleep again?"

I just grinned.

The two night guards pulling the chariot were leery about allowing Twilight to get on, but they weren't about to tell me no. Not after helping them curb stomp Shining Armor, at least.

"So if we're going to see Luna, why are we going so early?" I asked.

"Because we aren't going there immediately. I have some other small things I need to do in the castle first."

I sighed and muttered, "Don't know why you need me for this anyway…"

"Because the princesses trust you, though Celestia only knows why." Those little curse things make less sense when you're talking about the princess in question. "Luna might deign to see me, but she would never listen to much of what I have to say without you there to support me."

"But I don't know what you're trying to say."

"Nav, just you being there and asking her to hear me out will probably be enough." I just shrugged since I didn't really care.

Twilight left me at the chariot pool, saying she had some arrangements to make and something to draw. I had no idea what she meant by that but I also didn't really care. Since I didn't want Celestia to know I was there just yet, I went to the library and read one of the few books I hadn't touched yet.

Twilight found me just as the sun was setting. "Are you ready, Nav?"

I shut the book with a clap and put it back on the shelf. "I've only been waiting for hours. How'd you even find me?"

"You aren't wearing your ring. I just used the eavesdropping spell. Now come on, I don't want to keep Princess Luna waiting."

We got there just in time for her to wake up, it seemed. She was walking out of her door as we came down the hall. She lit up when she saw me, smiling happily. Seeing Twilight did little to dampen her grin. I wouldn't be surprised if she assumed we were here for a repeat of the deal I made with her.

"What brings you two here?" she asked, walking our way.

"A question," I answered. "And I need my wings and teeth turned back. Every time Cadance opens her mouth, I consider cutting a piece of her off and eating her. That needs to change."

Her horn lit up and my wings went back to normal and I could feel my fangs receding into my mouth. I ran a tongue over my teeth, happy they were normal again; I kept biting my tongue and the side of my mouth while they were large.

"And what question did you have?" she asked.

Twilight finally spoke up. "Can we go somewhere more private for that, please?"

Luna turned to look at the guards that formed up behind her as soon as she walked out her door. "I suppose." We followed her to her room, Twilight using her magic to shut the door behind us. "So what is this about?" Luna asked, giving the two of us some interesting half-lidded eyes.

Twilight answered with a grin, "Pranking Celestia."

Luna's look changed from sexy to confused. "Oh. That's… Well, I suppose that's more interesting, at least. What is the occasion?"

Twilight and I answered at the same time, "Revenge." _She has been spending too much time around me._ I continued, "Since it was Celestia's fault that Twilight raped and then almost murdered me at the wedding, and since Celestia has done so much bullshit to the both of us, we figured we could get her back. Twilight has done most of the work. We just need your help to put some of the final pieces together."

"…And what pieces are those?" she asked.

"Absolutely no clue. Twilight?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Nav, you go talk to Celestia. Do whatever you need to do to make sure she won't wake up easily tonight."

"Easy enough. I'll see you two later, then."

I heard Luna sighing as I left, closing the door behind me. I started walking away, but one of the guards stopped me. "My son loved the autograph, sir," she said, saluting.

"I bet he loved that you got home about a week early even more."

She grinned. "Yes sir. He enjoyed the tale of how you scared the day guard with those teeth of yours, too."

"I'm not certain that's a good thing. I had chunks of squirrel in my teeth for days. Anyway, I need to go talk to the other princess. Keep up the good work, troopers." They both saluted as I left to go find sunbutt.

Since I knew where she was, it wasn't that hard to find her. I walked into her private dining hall without being challenged. She looked up, expecting Luna. She grinned when she saw me instead. "Hello, Navarone. I didn't know you were here."

"Yeah. I'm stressed and need something to fuck. You interested?"

She nodded. "Meet me in my bed chamber. As soon as I finish changing the court over for Luna, I will meet you there."

"Awesome. See you soon, sunbutt." She rolled her eyes at the name, but let me leave without calling me out on it.

It was looking to be a good night. Twilight and I get our revenge, Luna gets to fuck with Celestia, and I get laid. Everybody wins.

I don't know what Celestia's obsession is with putting me to sleep after we fuck. Normally when she does, I wake up cuddling her. This time she was holding onto me. I tried prying her legs away from me with no success.

Since that didn't work, I managed to twist around in her grasp and gently kissed her awake. Her eyes fluttered open and she took a moment to realize what was happening before trying to return the kiss. By that time I was already pulled back. "Can you let me go?"

"Do I have to?"

"Unless you want to go again, yes."

She looked extremely excited about the idea and I readied myself for yet another fucking, but she sighed and let me go. "I… can't. You need to go back to Ponyville, Nav."

I shrugged and pulled myself out of bed. "Alright. If you want any more action, just let me know. Last night was a lot of fun." Though I wonder just what the hell Twilight did. I don't suppose it mattered, at least not for me. I walked around and started gathering clothes as Celestia wearily sat up. She somewhat creepily watched me get dressed.

"Nav, when was the last time you spoke to Luna?"

"Last night, before I spoke to you. Why?"

"Was she behaving strangely?"

"Not really. Has she been?"

She nodded. "A little, yes. If she comes to you and seems paranoid, don't pay any mind to what she says. I think I know the problem and I will confront her about it today."

"Celestia, I'm her knight. I may not like her anymore, but it's my job to make sure she's okay." She didn't seem that happy when I said I didn't like Luna, but she could get over it. "Do you want me to talk to her instead?"

"Navarone, I am her sister. I think that trumps your knight status. If I am correct, she needs to be left alone for a little while. I will do my best to make sure she does not disturb you. If she does try bothering you, please let me know."

"Whatever. If you need my help with her, just let me know."

"I will, Nav. I think I will be fine, though."

"Meh." I finally got fully dressed. "As always, you make a fine booty call, Celestia. I will see you the next time any of us gets stressed, I suppose."

Another one of her eyes twitched. "Before you go, can I have one last hug?"

I shrugged. "Sure." She was still lazily sitting up in bed, so it wasn't that hard to lean in and give her one. I felt her forelegs and wings pull me in tightly. After an uncomfortably long hug, she let me go. "See you later, Celestia."

"Bye, Nav…" She sounded rather depressed to see me go. I casually flung open her window and let myself out, flying back to Ponyville.

My first stop was Twilight's library. I landed in front of it and let myself inside. I heard Spike cooking breakfast in the kitchen and saw Twilight using magic to push books into their proper places.

"Twilight, what did you do to Celestia last night?"

"Why, was she acting strange this morning?" She turned and I saw that she had a rather manic look on her face.

"…No? But you had to have done something to her if you needed my help to make sure she slept heavily."

She just grinned, some of the mania going away. "Don't you worry about a thing, Nav. It's in motion now. Just avoid Canterlot if you can."

I shrugged. "That won't be too hard. Celestia asked me to avoid Luna and I've been doing so anyway, so I don't really have any reason to go to that place for a while."

"Was the break up really that bad?"

"Yes. Have you been in contact with Shining Armor recently? The last time he visited Cadance was right after the war games."

"I haven't. I did, however, see the records for this year's game. I had to have them triple checked before I admitted to myself they were right. Navarone, how was it possible that your team only had twenty casualties?"

"I know more about war and fighting than just about any pony alive. Simple as that. I've been wanting to talk to Shiny about training his troops to not lose, but if he's going to be a sore loser I can't. He also needs to visit Cadance. The last time he was there he said something that upset her, I think."

"That isn't like him…"

"Twilight, he was probably really pissed. I tore out his throat with my teeth in front of his troops."

"…You what?"

I waved a hand. "Not important. If you see him, tell him to come by. Even if he doesn't want to talk to me, he needs to talk to Cadance."

"No, what was that part about you using your teeth to tear out his throat?"

I rolled my eyes. "During the war game, he made the incredibly stupid decision of using his overpowered shield to capture Luna. When I rescued her she told me to use my fangs to rip out his throat. I did. Now, I'm heading back home. I'll see you later, Twilight. Tell your ghost that I politely asked it to stop fucking with you. I doubt it will work, but you never know."

I actually heard something whispering in my ear at that. It wasn't any kind of voice I could really hear, though. I could barely tell if it was anything more than wind. Either way, it made me jerk, looking around.

"What's wrong?" she asked, joining me in examining the room for anything amiss.

"Nothing… Just thought I heard something. I'll talk to you later, Twilight."

She nodded and saw me out. I went back out into the summer day wondering at what just happened.

There were a few waves and called greetings as I walked through town. I was Equestria's golden child, now. I saved the life of royalty and I apparently had the highest honor just about anyone can get. Now I wish I was planning on betraying them or something instead of just leaving. It would make it so much more fun.

That said, I did not want to burn a bridge if I didn't have to. Having Equestria as a fallback home would be good. Even if I didn't plan on coming back, just the option to would make me feel safer.

I got a messenger from Luna that night that asked me to meet her in Canterlot. For some reason, she didn't use a night guard, but instead a random messenger from in town. Remembering the two warnings I got, I didn't go.

And so things went for another two weeks. I would train, do things with my messed up family, fuck Doppel silly most nights, and then get a message from Luna asking me to come to Canterlot. I had taken to wearing my ring at all times, just in case she really got desperate.

By the third week, I was getting tired of fucking messages. I sent one of my own via Spike to Celestia to get her to tell Luna to fuck off.

That night I got a visit from Luna herself. "Navarone, I really, _really _need your help," she told me.

I leaned back against the chair I started using while I was building, one of my hands going to where I kept the gun just in case. "You aren't supposed to be out of Canterlot."

"No, _Luna _is not supposed to. I am not Luna."

I looked her over. "So you're a changeling."

"Navarone, Luna did… something. I woke up in her body and I think she's in mine."

"…Luna, go home."

She stomped a hoof down. "How can I convince you I'm really Celestia, then?"

"You can't. I write everything in my journals and you have been reading my journals."

She huffed. "Even when I turned you into a baby?"

"It twinged to write down, but I wasn't expecting that one to be read. I suppose I will have to protect my collection better. Look, if you go home now I won't tell Celestia you were outside of Canterlot."

"Nav, if you'd just take off your ring I could _show _you."

"I'm not letting that horn anywhere near my head. Not after last time, no thank you. Maybe you should try your luck with Twilight. She might be easier to convince."

She lunged at me and knocked me backwards. I ripped the gun out of my pants and jammed it under her chin as she struggled to get to my finger. She stopped as soon as she felt metal there.

"…Navarone, what is that?"

"Do you remember when I told you the different kinds of weapons humans have? Well, I made one of them. If you don't get the fuck away from me your brains will be decorating my lawn."

"Nav, please! If I can't convince you with what I can show you, then I swear I will never bother you again! I'll never talk to you, never send you a message, never ask you to do a thing. I… I just really need your help."

"That is not the first time you've told me that, Luna. What makes this time any different?"

"Because this time I know how to make oaths magically binding."

"Get off me and we'll talk." She used her wings to propel herself off me. I rolled out of the chair and set it back upright. "Forgive me if I'm not exactly trusting right now. It's just the last time I let you anywhere near my mind I got fucking raped and stabbed in the chest."

"Then can we get this over with? I am very interested in why Luna decided this would be a good way of taking over my power."

"No. You wait here. I'm going to go get an assurance you won't do anything I'll regret."

She sighed as I went inside, tucking the gun back into my waistline. I wasn't exactly happy with having something that explodes next to my dick, but I didn't really have anywhere else to put it.

I quietly pushed open Cadance's door and let myself in. The baby was sleeping peacefully in a crib next to the bed. Cadance was curled into a ball and twitching.

Until I poked her awake, at least. She blearily sat up, trying to see what woke her up. I whispered, "I need your help with something, Cadance."

"Can't it wait until the morning?" she almost silently asked, barely able to make a sound.

"No. According to Luna, this is important."

She sighed and stretched before rolling out of bed and catching herself as she fell. "Fiiiine." She followed me back downstairs, muttering darkly. Luna and Cadance seemed somewhat surprised to see each other. "I didn't think you'd actually be here. You haven't left Canterlot in ages!"

"This is an emergency. Well Navarone, are you willing to trust me now?"

"Cadance, if this takes longer than five minutes stab Luna in the face with your horn."

"…What?"

Luna rolled her eyes. "I am going to show Navarone something. He does not trust me. If I take too long, use your magic to pull him away from me."

"Oh, that makes sense. Nav, as much as I'm happy to see you trusting Luna again at all, why are you trusting Luna again at all?"

"Because I'm stupid." I slid my ring off and said. "Do whatever the fuck you wanted to do."

Luna sighed and her horn lit up. My eyes jerked open wide as Luna's spell went through me, showing me memories only Celestia could have, from her perspective. It didn't take long to end, though.

And when it did, I was able to fit some pieces together. "When did it happen?" I asked her.

"About three weeks ago. I woke up like this."

"I think I know what happened. Do you know the body swapping spell?"

"…No. I know where I can find it, but the spell book was missing when I went looking."

Cadance spoke up. "What's going on?"

"Not important," I answered. "Go back to bed. I need to wake up Taya."

"She needs her sleep, though!" Cadance said. "She doesn't get nearly enough."

"This can't wait," I answered. "The only other people that know the spell are Twilight and Luna, and they're both in on it."

Celestia jerked back. "_Twilight _is in on this treason?"

"Nav, Luna is right there."

I shook my head. "Cadance, go to bed. Yes, Celestia. It's not treason, though. Just a prank. But this is too far."

Cadance stomped down a hoof. "That's not Celestia!"

We both looked at her and said, "Go to bed, Cadance," at the same time.

Celestia turned back to me. "How is this in any way a prank? Navarone, do you know what she told me? She said I had a recurring problem where I thought I was her! Every few months since I got back from the moon I had an episode, she said. The goal was to make me think I was insane!"

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?!" Cadance shouted.

We ignored her. "Well, if you don't want to fix this immediately we can get her back," I said, crossing my arms.

"Nav, she could be ruining my country! It is imperative I regain control."

"And ruin your chance for revenge? I have a more fun idea."

Cadance finally walked away, grumbling and muttering. "What did you have in mind?" Celestia asked.

I gave her my most winning grin. "Want to go on a date?"

Of course, it's hard to just take the night princess on a date without giving someone any kind of warning. Most places are closed at night, after all, and Celestia didn't know any of Luna's friends in the city in any of the clubs Luna occasionally visited, so it might blow her cover if we went to one of those.

So instead we went back to Canterlot and waited, continuing to plot ways to make Luna suffer. Assuming, of course, she didn't just break down as soon as I told her that I decided to give 'Luna' another chance.

When Celestia told me that we had to plot somewhere other than her room, I found out the night guards were in on the prank. Or at least, some of them were; Celestia had to tie up her two guards so she could leave without them telling her sister.

So instead we used the center of the maze. Almost no one ever goes in there, especially not at night.

"So how do we tell her?" I asked, leaning against the marble basin near the center of the maze.

"When she wakes up, go to her room and ask her for advice. Tell her you decided to try a relationship with Luna again on the basis that we'd go much slower this time and that there would be almost no magic at all."

"Easy enough. If she doesn't cave immediately, what should we do?"

"Go on a date, of course. We just keep progressing as time goes by until she cracks. If she doesn't break before the Gala, we'll just use Taya to teach me the spell and I'll forcefully take my body back."

"That will take some planning. It requires a magical circle drawn in a certain location. They put it under your bed."

"I thought you didn't know anything about the prank?"

"Twilight asked me make sure you were sleeping very deeply one night. Before that, she said she had some preparations to make and something to draw. I assume she drew it under your bed. When I woke up the next day, Luna was in your body and holding onto me."

"I see. What was this prank even for, that it took such planning?"

"Revenge. I'm not a fan of getting raped and Twilight isn't a fan of raping people. And neither of us liked it when she tried to murder me. Since both of those were your fault, we decided to get back at you. But this is too far." That and I have a few plans to get back at Celestia after this is over.

She looked away. "Oh…" Luna's face is very good at showing shame.

"So, any other ideas to get back at her?"

She took a minute to recover from her period of shame. "Well, we can sit together at breakfast and kiss, to see the reaction on her face."

"I might hold off on the kissing, but the sitting together works. Remember, we're pretending to take this slow."

"Of course. I'm… not exactly certain I know what that entails, but I will try."

"Dates, for one. I actually had one planned for Luna, before… Well, we could go with that. I got some info about a nice place that's still open around the time Luna usually wakes up. I still have some nice clothes Rarity made me, if the moths haven't eaten them."

She nodded. "And Luna has some nice clothes I can wear as well. When do you want to do this?"

"As far as I can tell, we'll need to get a reservation a few days in advance. Normally I'd say that it wouldn't matter because you're the princess, but this will give us plenty of time to prepare and all that. If Luna gives in before then we can just cancel the reservation."

"Very well. Will you make the preparations, or should I?"

"I'll do it. You just know that if you walked in and asked for a reservation they would tell you to pick a time. Besides, I'll be awake and ready to move tomorrow anyway."

"Good."

We sat in silence for a few moments.

"So… what now?" I asked.

"Well… This whole thing has been rather stressful for me. And I have been wondering what it's like as Luna. What do you say, Nav?"

"Doesn't that seem wrong, though? Using Luna's body for that, I mean."

She rolled her eyes. "You can't tell me she hasn't been using you, Nav."

"Actually, she hasn't. I even offered, when I woke up next to her. I was completely naked and woke her up by kissing her and she still said no. She didn't seem happy about it, though."

"Well, that is more restraint than I expected from her. But then, I suppose she knew what would happen if she did take advantage of you and you found out. However, I believe this is one situation in which she brought it upon herself."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Let's bang."

And so we did. It was awesome.

The next morning, Luna found me sitting on one of Celestia's many clothing drawers. She jerked back when she saw me. "What are you doing here, Nav?" she asked, yawning.

"I need some advice. As you know, Luna has been sending me messengers for the past three weeks. I got tired of it after you didn't do anything about it and finally came by to talk to her last night." She seemed to shrink in a little at that. "We got to talking. Long story short, she somehow managed to convince me to give her a second chance." Her mouth dropped. "I know, I can't believe it either. The conditions were that almost no magic could be used at all and that we went slowly. I'm already planning one date, but if I'm going to do this again I'm going to do it right this time. What do you suggest?"

"You… you gave…" She shot out of bed. "I need to talk to my sister immediately."

I jumped over and grabbed her tail before she could get to the door. "Relax, Celestia. I made it very clear that she has exactly one chance and that if she messes it up that's that forever."

She jerked her tail and I let it go. She changed tactics, saying, "Don't you remember when I said Luna was acting strange? How do you know this isn't a symptom?"

"Maybe this is the cause. Maybe she finally realized what she did to me was horrible and she's been feeling bad about it, expecting some manner of retribution until she was finally able to attempt to make amends. I mean, it could be a terrible idea, but nothing ventured nothing gained."

She narrowed her eyes. "Fine."

I sighed. "Look, I know you wanted some kind of future for us, but Luna acted first. Both times."

She looked away, sighing. "It is hard to let somepony else be happy when they have what you want."

"Them's the breaks. I was hoping you'd have some advice? I've never been on a date before. I was planning one for Luna right before it went to hell, but planning for it doesn't mean much."

"…What were you planning?"

"A dinner—well, breakfast for her—at Ethereal Cuisine followed by a hopefully romantic walk under her night. That's what I was planning on doing here."

She looked away, saying, "I thought you wanted to take things slow." She sounded on the verge of tears.

"That's what I need help with. I don't know how to take things slowly. That was the only relationship I've ever been in. Based on how it went, I'm pretty sure we both did a number of things wrong." Mostly her, of course. "That's why I'm trying to get advice."

"I'm afraid I can't help you, Navarone. I have… very little experience with that myself."

"Ah well. Maybe I can get someone else, then. You mind if I join you for breakfast? I wouldn't mind seeing Luna again before I make reservations."

"…I'm not hungry. Tell her I won't be joining her for breakfast today, but that I do want to see her before she goes to bed."

"Easy enough. I'll see you later, sunbutt."

She didn't say a word as I left. I smiled and whistled a song as I walked down to their dining hall. Celestia looked up as I walked in and noticed my mood. "Did she give in already?" she asked.

"Nope. Got her feeling bad enough to not be hungry, though." I joined her at the table. "She said she wanted to talk to you before you went to bed. I wouldn't be surprised if she cracked then. We are officially taking it slowly, so if you need I can come back during breakfast or something and we can make out in front of her."

She smiled darkly. "Yes, I would like that. Assuming she doesn't give in, of course."

"Of course." I grabbed a goblet of milk, set out for Celestia. "To winning," I said, holding it up.

She gently tapped it with a glass full of something dark. "To winning," she answered with a smile.

Before I left Canterlot, I stopped by the fancy restaurant and got a reservation. We would be able to dine in a week. Thankfully, the ponies haven't perfected the art of making people wait years for an exclusive place.

Right before night fell, I got a messenger from 'Luna.' With that messenger was a chariot. I shrugged and hopped on, letting them take me to Canterlot.

After tipping the private chariot drivers, I met Luna in the palace gardens, as the message had said. "Ah, Nav! I was hoping the messengers would be able to find you."

Flo hissed in my mind. "Something's wrong!"

I got on my guard, but didn't say anything just yet. "My house is pretty noticeable, Celestia. What do you need?"

"We're going to be bothering Luna during dinner."

Flo hmmed. "That's Luna, Navarone. The real one."

I opened my mouth to say something, but got an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. "Sure. Shall we?" _We need to be certain, Flo._

I knew she nodded as she said, "Yes, but if you go through with what you're thinking, bad things might happen. You know what this might drive her to."

_Think it's worth it?_

"If you want to crush her, yes. But that's just cruel, Nav."

While my inner monologue was going, Luna and I were walking to dinner. She was explaining how 'Luna' had been so supportive of 'Celestia' going on a date with me. Flo seemed to grow more and more certain with every word that this was the real Luna, though I'm not certain how she knew.

When we got to the dinner hall, Celestia casually greeted me as Luna and I sat close to each other. We did some silly little things lovers do, though it felt wrong for me to do them with the plan I had forming in my mind.

As soon as dinner was over, I excused myself away from Luna's presence to use the bathroom and then go home, which was my final proof that it actually wasn't Celestia I was dealing with. She would have called me on that lie after the baby incident.

While I was working on some more weapons and whatnot in my yard, I was forming plans on how to make what I was going to do work. I'd need to make sure my house was empty, just in case it backfired. I'd also need a way to get a message to Celestia and to Luna, though I could use Twilight for that.

The week dragged by slowly as I started poking around. I got permission from Applejack to let Cadance and Skyla stay there for a night. I got permission from Twilight to let Taya stay with her. I had to do some… intense negotiating to get her to agree to let Doppel stay as well. I already had a plan for me, the naga, and the wolf since I couldn't be anywhere near society.

During the nights, I occasionally visited Luna to keep up the impression that I still thought it was her. It was easy enough to keep up the charade, because she had no idea I knew.

And all week Flo would passive-aggressively try to get me to call off my plan for Luna.

Finally, the day of days came. The date was scheduled at eight. I wrote out two quick notes and trudged through town to Twilight's house, letting myself in because it was a public library.

I found Spike dusting one of the bookshelves or something. "Yo Spike, I got some messages for Celestia."

He turned around. "Well, let me see them." I passed them over and he sent them on their way.

"Thanks, man. You need me for anything before I disappear for a few days?"

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Forest. I got a camping trip planned with the naga. If you can get some time off from Twilight, you're welcome to come."

"Ehhhh… I want to, but I'm not certain it would be a good idea. Whatever that problem was we had for those few months, it seems to have disappeared, but Twilight's still thinking it might come back. I'd hate for her to be on her own dealing with that evil ghost or whatever it was."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself. We might bring you back some meat, if there's any left."

"Cool. See you later, Nav. Gotta get back to pretending I'm busy so Twilight won't make me do actual work."

And so on I went, back home.

Now, for those of you that haven't figured it out yet, this was my plan: I was going to stand up Princess Luna at the fanciest restaurant in Equestria. One of the notes I sent told Luna to meet me at the restaurant, since we hadn't made any plans yet. The other was a note to Celestia, telling her to wait until nine to open it. It detailed my plan and that I would be hiding in the forest for a few days for Luna to cool off. It also told her that she should be fucking ashamed for betraying me and then using that betrayal to try to set me up with someone I already told her I wanted absolutely nothing to do with.

Yeah, I expected this to go poorly.

I made no sign of the fact that I was leaving until about seven that night. "Cain, are you sure it is wise to be leaving into that forest so late at night?" the naga asked as I put my crossbow over my back.

"Let me put it this way: If we are in this house in two hours, there is a good chance we will not survive the night." I added another dagger to the two already adorning me before throwing my sword belt over my back as well.

"Now when you put it that way… I think we could face whatever would come to kill us. Cain, we are naga. We face our enemy and kill it. We do not run and cower."

"Ames, the enemy coming to murder us will be a very angry night goddess that I'm standing up. You can stay here if you want. The wolf and I are leaving. If there is a building here when I get back, I will be surprised."

"…So how far are we going into the forest, again?"

"Hopefully far enough. You ready?"

His hand went up to the sling I got Rarity to make for his crossbow. "Yes."

I made one last check for my pistol before nodding. "Let's go, then. We have a lot of ground to cover in two hours."

Flo spoke up in what might have been the loudest voice I've heard from her in a long time. "Navarone, why are you doing this? You've given her all week to look forward to this! Please, for your sake and hers, stop this now! You don't have to go on the date. Just send her a message telling her you know. Please! There is no reason to hurt her just to prove a point."

"I assume you have a location in mind, then?" the naga asked as he pushed the button to lower the gate.

"Yeah... I just… Wait here. I forgot something in town." Flo was right, sadly. I really wanted to do this to prove that I wouldn't take kindly to being betrayed or deceived, but I couldn't in good conscience do it. I quickly flew into town while the naga jumped over the wall.

I landed in front of the library and let myself in, even though the sign said closed. "Spike, you in here?"

He poked his head out of the kitchen. "Yeah?"

"Sorry to bother you, but I really need to send another message. You mind if I borrow some paper and ink?"

"Go ahead." I wrote out a message to Celestia telling her to open the letter I send her immediately, and to do with that knowledge what she would.

"Send it on, Spike. After this, I'm going out of town for a few days. Whatever response comes, don't bother trying to find me or catch up with me."

"What's going on, Nav?"

"Don't worry about it. Just send the message. And try to fuck Doppel, if you can; it'd be good for you." I ran out of the building before he could reply, since I knew if I was still in town when Celestia got that message bad things might happen. I slipped on my ring as I ran down the road to my house, all my supplies and weapons rattling and bouncing on me.

_I fucking hope you're happy._ Flo just answered me with silence.

Soon enough, I got back home to find the naga and the puppy waiting in front of the gate. "Shall we go, Cain?"

"Yeah. And be on your guard. I don't know how far in you've been, but we're going in farther than I've been in a while. Hopefully your scent won't attract anything that might think you taste good."

"Navarone, I do not think anything will be foolish enough to try to eat something my size."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that. I've seen monsters in there that make you look the size of this wolf."

He laughed as we quickly moved into the woods. "Cain, you should know by now that monsters have little finesse when they fight. Especially one so large. They do not fight for food at that size, I imagine. They just have to run it down. They are large, yes, but they do not know how to fight, especially against something that is trained as I am."

I shrugged, because I really didn't care. If something like a hydra attacked us, I was planning on finding out how hydra tasted. Although if it was anything like the hydra from legend, I imagine that its body was highly toxic.

An hour into our escape, I called for a short break next to a river. "Let me check my mental layout of the forest. We can also go ahead and get a mental layout of this place," I said.

The naga nodded as he moved to the river, setting his crossbow and bolts down on the ground. He shoved his head into the river, presumably for a drink, but his entire body jolted backwards a second later and he let out a shout of surprise.

I jerked my head that way and saw a massive purple familiar river serpent sliding his upper body out of the river._ Oh fuck me._

In hindsight, that might not have been the best thing to have thought. "Ooh, a new friend!" the insane serpent said, looking over the naga. And then his eyes shifted to me and his grin grew. "And my little ape! It's wonderful of you to visit me again!"

"Human, what is this thing?" the naga asked.

"That," I whispered, "is a gay river serpent that tried to rape me a year ago."

"So kill it?" he quietly asked.

"Not just yet." Louder, I said, "Hello again. Unfortunately, stopping for us means death, or we would stay and talk. We were just taking a short break before we continued again."

"I see… You know, I never did catch your name, my tasty little morsel."

"…Navarone, at your service."

"At my service, you say? Well well… I am Stephen Magnet, river serpent extraordinaire! And who is that next to you? He's quite a cutie!"

The naga growled, his hand wrapping around the hilt of his sword. I answered before anything hasty could be done, "That's a naga. They don't give their names to outsiders. Also, he's married. Now, we'll just be on our way…"

"Oh, leaving so soon? You know, last time we never did get properly acquainted…"

The naga was slowly drawing his sword at this point. I said, "Hey, if I give you the location of a creature that's just looking for a loving mate, would you let us pass?"

Stephen stroked at his mustache, thinking. "And how do I know you're telling the truth?"

I gave him my best winning grin. "I would never stand in the way of two possible lovers."

"How romantic! I'm listening, Navarone."

"In a lake outside of Ponyville lies a lovelorn squid, aching after my dear friend here. Their love can never be, so he needs someone to take his mind off the naga. That someone could be you. You're both aquatic, you're both…" I almost said flamingly homosexual, but stopped myself at the last instant. "Available," I said instead. "Who knows? Maybe you'll find your match in him."

"Wellll… Okay. It's worth a look, my cute little ape. And if nothing else I can visit Mistress Rarity again. But if I don't find a lovely little squid waiting in the lakes, I'll track down a monkey to make up for it."

_Run run run, fast as you can…_ "Deal. Good luck, Magnet."

"Tata!" He ducked his head under the surface of the lake. We could see his body undulating as he swam downriver.

"Disgusting," the naga muttered, slamming his sword in its sheath.

I just let out a sigh of relief that I didn't have to fight a giant serpent. I took a moment to collect my thoughts and form a mental map of where in the Everfree we were. The naga bent back down to the river, slipping his face into the water. The rest of his upper body slowly joined him until it was just his tail outside.

A few minutes later, a fish came flying out of the river and onto shore, flopping around like mad. The little wolf barked at it before running over and biting it, shaking it around until it wasn't moving anymore. Two more fish joined it, the wolf repeating the process. Then the naga pulled himself out of the water and looked down at its work. "Good enough. Hungry, Cain?"

He grabbed one of the fish and bit into it. Raw. While it still had scales, bones, and organs.

"…I'm good." He shrugged and devoured two fish while the wolf gnawed at the other.

When there was nothing left of the three of them, we followed the river upstream until we got to the base of a very large hill that in most places would be called a mountain. "Now, a word of advice: Do not touch any of the gold or jewels inside this cave," I warned as we walked in.

"…Navarone, where are we?" he asked, his eyes and mine showing us mounds of gleaning treasure.

A long serpentine neck slowly pulled itself from one pile of gold, individual coins and gems falling from the pile with a huge racket. "Hello, Navarone," Reginald's deep voice rumbled. "What brings you to my humble cave?"

"My friend and I are camping," I said. "And I for one do not want to get eaten at night. You mind if we spend the night in your cave and the day outside?"

"As long as neither of you steal, I am fine," he answered before looking at the naga more closely. "You… you smell…" His tongue flicked out in front of the naga for an instant and the dragon's eyes lit up. "You smell of home!" The dragon's body shot out of the pile of treasure, sending it flying everywhere. "Are you from the naga clan with the room of sapphires?"

Ames nodded. "Yes, dragon. How do you know of it?"

Reginald grinned. "You've never heard the tales of Great Reginald, Defender of the Naga? Of how I held off the minions of Discord in their last assault on the forces of reason?"

The naga looked rather surprised at that. "Surely that isn't _you_! What would the hero of legend be doing aging away in a musty cave?"

"_Musty_? I keep my treasure clean, thank you!" He grinned, though. "I am retired. I spent as long as I could in your clan, but eventually I outgrew the caves there. Then, I started spending time with the ponies instead. They were a weak race at the time, with many predators and enemies. After what they had done for us by extinguishing that tyrant, though, I knew I could not let them die off in good conscience. Celestia was leery of my help, but Luna readily welcomed me. Between the two of us, we built a nation for the ponies. I fear I have much to do with the fear of dragons, given that my ferocity in battle was what kept so many of their weaker predators away. But all stars must fade, and when there were no more battles left to fight my services were no longer needed. I fell into obscurity, Celestia not wanting her ponies to know that they had to be saved by a _dragon_, of all things. The first time in over a thousand years I even left this cave was when Navarone told me that my old friend Luna was looking for her friends." He snorted steam. "That's when I learned my place in the history books was erased. All that time, all those deeds… Remembered only by a few…" We shared a silence for the bullshit of Celestia before he said, "So what has the clan been up to? Navarone told me they had fallen on hard times."

That was an interesting history lesson. It was the naga's turn to speak, though. "Yes, we have. The times of war and battle are long over. The lands of the waste have finally lived up to their name. Many of the monsters that did live there died out over the years. Those few that remain know to leave the sentient races alone for fear of reprisal. Pony railways cover the land, crisscrossing the vast wasteland and bringing a semblance of civilization. With the lack of monsters and predators came the lack of work. There is only so much you can grow in such a harsh land, so we began getting less food as we got less gold. A once-proud mercenary civilization was brought to its stomach by the harshest enemy there is: Peace. We are but a shadow of our former selves. Where once ten thousand strong warriors thrived, now mere hundreds eke out an existence."

The dragon let out a long breath that filled the room with steam. "Such is the way of things," he finally said. "In war, our kind thrives. In peace, our prey reigns. Enough of this depressing talk. Navarone, what adventures have you had in the time since we last spoke?"

I grinned. "I thought you said you had enough of depressing talk. There are few adventures that aren't depressing."

"Speak, or not. I see you have gained a pet, unless that timber wolf is here to challenge me."

I looked down to my wolf, who decided to sit right next to my leg. "Yeah, I got a little pet." I told him that story. He traded me a story.

A few days passed like that. During the day, the naga and I would train. At night, we would tell stories until the naga fell asleep. Honestly, it was awesome. Sadly though, all good things must come to an end.

Not so sadly, Reginald offered to carry the three of us back home. That saved us a few hours of trudging through the woods and possibly running into something that would eat us. He dropped us off right outside the gate of my house and took off again before anyone from the town had a chance of calling the guards.

"Well," the naga said, "it seems you still have a house."

"Not damaged at all," I answered with a smile. We let ourselves in and I quickly found myself hugged by a happy daughter. "Yes, Taya, we're back. Did we miss anything?"

"Yeah," she answered, her voice muffled by being jammed into me. She pulled back and said, "Spike got a few messages demanding your presence in Canterlot immediately. The first demand came with a letter for you." Her horn lit up and an envelope on a conveniently placed table flew over at me.

I ripped it open and pulled out another envelope with Twilight's name on it and two letters for me. I read the one from Celestia first. 'You did the right thing by telling me, Navarone. Luna would have been devastated, though I admit she was depressed as it was. You're right—it was wrong of us to deceive you like that, and I apologize. Please, give the other letter to Twilight as soon as you can.'

I flipped over to Luna's letter. 'I just wanted a chance to prove I wasn't what you thought I was, that I could be a good special somepony. Was that really too much to ask?'

"Good news?" the naga asked.

"Not really," I answered. "I'm going into town."

"Daddy, you stink," Taya said.

"Okay. I'm taking a shower and then going into town. Is Cadance here?" She nodded. "Is she mad?" She shook her head. "Good, she doesn't know." I folded my two letters up and jammed them in a pocket. I carried Twilight's letter upstairs and set it on the bed as I hastily undressed and took a very quick shower.

Less than ten minutes later I was on my way to Twilight's house, Taya following close behind me. I had tried to get her to stay behind, but she was having none of that. "I haven't spent much time with you in days!" she said. Even if it wasn't going to be much time she could spend with me, at least it could be some.

We talked about her studies and my time in the forest while we walked. She seemed to have hit a stone wall of sorts, and was no longer progressing in strength. It was also taking her much longer to learn some of the spells Twilight was trying to teach her. Taya was not the sort to take failure that happily, and did her best to ignore Twilight's teachings on how friendship increases magical strength. She instead poured her time into practicing and reading as many magic texts as she could.

We got to Twilight's house to find… nothing! Or rather, no one. There was a note on the table with Twilight's very well-planned schedule if anyone needed her. And her creepy owl watched our every move until we get back outside, heading to Sugarcube Corner to hopefully catch Twilight.

We found her there with Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity.

Of course, Pinkie was immediately in my face when I walked in the door. "Oooh, hi Nav! Where ya been? I've been trying to find you to tell you that I was planning a party but I couldn't find you so I couldn't tell you and I tried looking everywhere but you weren't anywhere and now here you are! I'm planning a party in a few days and you're going to be there!"

"We'll see." I gently pushed her down and walked around her, allowing Taya access into the shop. Rarity and Fluttershy seemed to be trying to talk Twilight into joining them at the spa, since they were going there soon after they left the shop.

I interrupted their little conversation by giving Twilight her letter. "Who's this from?" she asked.

"The princesses," I answered. "I found it in a letter that was addressed to me."

When she heard it was from them, her eyes lit up and she tore it open, quickly reading it. Her face paled and the light in her eyes disappeared as she gulped. "Well girls… I can't make the spa trip." Her voice sounded nervous and morose. "Nav and I have been summoned to Canterlot. I need to find Spike…"

She jumped out of her chair and ran out of the shop. The three of them turned to me. Rarity said, "Nav, is everything alright?"

"Fine and dandy," I answered. "I should go with her. Rarity, do Aloe and Lotus cater to fillies?"

She nodded. "They've been known to, yes."

I tossed her a coin pouch. "Spa's on me. Taya, go with them." Taya opened her mouth but I kept going. "No, you don't have a choice. Rarity, make sure she gets the deluxe treatment, or whatever is the best for someone her age. If she fights back more than is necessary, let me know. Now, I gotta jet." I ran out the door before anyone could say a word.

I had no idea where Twilight was, but I did know that when she was in a panic she didn't worry about any kind of mess or anyone's feelings. That in mind, I followed the trail of upset looking ponies, running as fast as my legs would take me.

I found Twilight at Applejack's apple stand, shaking Spike back and forth and babbling. I rolled my eyes, walked over to her, and began scratching her behind the ear.

She calmed down almost immediately, dropping Spike to the ground. He looked up from his perch on the trodden earth and asked, "What's going on?"

Without stopping on Twilight's ear, I said, "Go get some paper and write out a quick message to Celestia telling her that Twilight and I are ready for a chariot to Canterlot."

"But what about the apple stand?"

"I'll watch it until you get back," I said. "Go."

He shrugged and started running to the library. When he was out of sight, I stopped scratching at Twilight's ear. Her mane immediately frizzled out and she gave me the insane look. "Nav, Celestia knows!"

"I know."

She curled into a ball on the ground, using a hoof to pet her tail. "She's gonna be so disappointed and I'm gonna be punished for pranking her and… Oh Celestia, what if she disowns me?!"

"You knew the risks when you decided to prank her."

"She wasn't supposed to find out!"

I shrugged and took my place behind the apple stand. With Twilight rocking back and forth on the ground, I didn't get any patrons.

Spike came running back soon enough. "Letter sent!" he said before noticing Twilight. "So uh… What's wrong?"

I answered for Twilight, who seemed incapable. "Twilight decided to prank Celestia and she went way too far. Celestia is summoning us to Canterlot because of that."

"Ooooh… Have fun with that."

"Yeah, thanks for the support. How do I get Twilight back to the library?"

Spike walked over to her and started poking her. "Twilight, you in there?" Her crazy eyes locked on him and he flinched. "You need to go back to the library, Twilight."

"It won't be my library for long," she said in a crazy voice. "The princess is gonna disown me and I'll lose everything! You, the library, the books… I'll have to move back in with mom and dad!"

Spike looked up at me. I rolled my eyes and joined him next to her. "Twilight, you are fucking retarded. The princess isn't going to disown you. She's going to give you an Aesop about why what you did was wrong and tell you that if in the future you have any problem with her talk them out instead of pranking her. Then the two of you will hug and you'll forget this crazy episode ever happened."

"You don't understand—"

Spike's turn. "He's right, Twilight. Princess Celestia would never do that. You may have made her angry, but you're still her number one student. She isn't going to disown you."

"But—"

"Chariot's here," I said, looking up. "Time to go, Twilight."

She whimpered and curled tighter.

"Spike, grab her back legs." He did. I grabbed her front ones. "On the count of three, we lift her up and put her in the chariot." He nodded. "One, two, three." We lifted her up and tossed her in the back. "We should be back shortly," I told him, stepping into the back of the chariot.

"See you then, Nav," Spike said as he walked back to the apple stand.

One of the guards pulling the chariot looked back at me. "Sir, is she okay?"

"She'll be fine. Let's go." He shrugged and the two of them took off. On the way there, I tried getting Twilight to a more dignified position than huddling on the ground. "What will Celestia think if she sees her prized student like this? I imagine she'll be quite ashamed that the student who faced down Nightmare Moon is huddling on the floor like a filly." That might have been the wrong thing to say. She whimpered and curled tighter.

I sighed and began doing dirty things to her, since I knew that tended to calm her down at least a little. It worked, and she did the roly-poly act of slowly uncurling and twitching her legs around.

When I was done, she was slightly drooling and we were just about to land. I cleaned my hands off and stepped out of the chariot when it hit dirt and stopped. "Twilight, you coming?"

"You bet I did!" She shook herself. "I mean, yes!" A blush crept down her face as she got to her shaky legs and removed herself from the chariot. As we walked past the two guards, they winked at me. I just grinned. Not long after we started walking to the palace entrance, Twilight quietly said, "Nav, if… If Princess Celestia does disown me… You wouldn't leave me, would you?"

"Of course not, Twilight. Not that we'll have to worry about it, though." Although if Celestia did kick her ass to the curb I could probably scoop her up for my trip around the world. That would be useful.

"Right. Of course…"

We continued in silence up to the throne room. There was no line, so we were let in immediately. Twilight shuffled her way up to the front of the room, looking down the whole time. I had an encouraging hand on her back. Since Twilight wasn't looking up, Celestia was giving me a look that promised words for later.

When we got close enough, Twilight stopped and fell on her stomach, probably trying to beg forgiveness or something.

"Twilight, rise." She slowly stood up, still not looking at Celestia. "Twilight, if you ever have a problem with me or anything I do, come and tell me. We can talk it out together. Now, while what you did was wrong, you will not be punished for it this time. Just please, in the future just talk to me."

Twilight sniffled and mumbled, "I'm sorry, Princess."

"I forgive you, my dear student."

And that was enough to get Twilight running at Celestia for a hug. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, waiting for Twilight's little moment to end. When it did, Twilight took a spot next to Celestia and stood there, beaming. Celestia looked disapprovingly down on me. "And you, Navarone? Would you care to explain yourself?"

"I suppose I could. I realized immediately that you and Luna swapped back. Different mannerisms, not important. I knew you were planning on turning the prank around on _me _instead by making me go on a date with Luna. So I decided to take the initiative and hit you two first."

"I see. And how, exactly, did you expect this to end?"

"Luna would come home pissed and slightly embarrassed that I saw it coming. I expected her to fly to my house and try to hurt me. I had a guilt trip right before I left for the forest and decided to put the prank in your hands."

"Navarone, the point of what we did was not to prank you. It was to show you that Luna is not what you think of her. She _is _capable of love, affection, and being a good special somepony. She wanted to go on a date with you, Navarone. She did not want to prank you."

"Oh…"

"Thankfully, you saw that what you were doing was wrong and I was able to tell her what was about to happen. I am glad that your conscience shined through on this matter, though I wish it had happened sooner. Luna was quite looking forward to the date."

"Maybe she should have thought of that before—No, I'm not doing this. Do you need anything else, Celestia?"

"I know you may not like this idea, but would you be willing to talk to Luna and perhaps apologize?"

"No I would not. I did nothing wrong."

Celestia sighed. "Navarone, sometimes you have to learn to swallow your pride. What you did _was _wrong, even if it was to fight back against the wrong we were doing to you. You doing something cruel to us to make us answer for our cruelty is still cruel."

Flo butted in, the first time I heard her speak since she got me to cancel the prank. "She's right, Nav. It may have been justified, but it was cruel and it probably merits apologizing."

"Be that as it may, I'm not apologizing." That answer was for Celestia and Flo both. I consider what they were trying to do to me worse than what I was going to do to Luna. If she wants an apology, she can start by giving me one.

Celestia shook her head sadly. "I can't make you. Will you at least talk with her before you leave?"

"Does she want to see me?"

"Well… No."

"Then I'm going home. I will see you later, Celestia."

She just sighed as I walked out. Before the big doors shut behind me, Twilight joined me. Together we walked back to the chariot pool and rode on home.

When we got back to Ponyville, I was treated with an adorable sight. Taya was all dolled up and beautified and she had the cruelest, most evil glare on her face that I had ever seen.

I grinned when I saw her. "Taya, you look adorable."

She shifted her thousand yard stare of hate to me. "Daddy, this feels terrible."

I feel that I should point out that we were all in the library at the moment. Rarity, who was tittering, Spike, who was trying not to laugh at Taya, Twilight, who was also trying not to laugh, me, and Taya.

"You can clean up when we get home," I said. "We'll walk back in… Well, I guess we can do it now."

Rarity levitated a mostly full bag of bits over my way. "I used my bits, dear," she said. I opened my mouth to demand she keep the bag, but she kept talking, "Consider it my way of saying thank you for getting Stephen Magnet such a loving partner. I spoke with him yesterday and he seems so happy! Although… I have to wonder, just how does that… work?"

"River serpent and squid…" I mused. A few things came to my mind that made me feel uncomfortable. "I don't want to think about it, that's for sure. Thanks for watching Taya for me, Twilight. I hope she and Doppel weren't too problematic."

"They were fine, Nav. I'll see you later." Taya and I began the long walk home.

And I made sure to walk slowly, so Taya could show off her temporary new look. Several passing ponies complimented her on it. Some colts around her age did as well, much to her blushing chagrin.

When we finally got back, she tried to rush to her room only to be stopped by a grinning Cadance. "Taya, you look so cute! What's the occasion?"

She whimpered and looked back at me. I sighed. "Leave her be, Cadance. Taya, you've suffered enough." Taya teleported away, presumably to her room, if the slam I heard upstairs was any indication.

"Geez, what did I miss?" Cadance asked.

"Eh, nothing much. Anything important happen while I was gone?"

"Aside from the letter from Celestia, no. Is Luna still acting really weird?"

"Nah, I think that's cleared up. Has Shining Armor decided to stop sulking yet?"

She nodded. "Yeah. He was just in a really bad mood after what happened with the games. I bet if you set up a meeting he would be happy to talk to you about training the troops better."

"I'll think about it. For now, I just want to relax for a few weeks. It's been a hectic… well, year."

"It sure has…"


	74. Chapter Seventy-Two

Chapter Seventy-Two

For once, I got my wish. Nothing big or important happened for over a month. It was… boring.

So I was quite happy when I got a long letter from the unicorn university telling me they had a breakthrough and that I needed to go to the tower in a few days. And in a stroke of somewhat interesting luck, Derpy brought me a useful letter in the mail: Two tickets to one of the Wonderbolt derbies on the same day from Fancy Pants.

I now had an alibi for going to Canterlot on that day, so if the princesses really are watching me they'll see me going to a Wonderbolts thing with a friend, probably Dash.

To that end, as soon as I got the tickets, I tracked down Rainbow Dash. Let me tell you, she is not easy to find. In the end, I found her sleeping in a random tree in the middle of Applejack's massive orchard.

Since my wings couldn't exactly maneuver that well in such a tight place, I climbed up the tree until I was on a branch right next to her. She was happily snoring away until I pounced on her.

She let out a cry of terror and batted her hooves at me aimlessly until she realized it was just me. Then she gave me a very deadpan stare. "You realize I was sleeping, right?"

"No, your snores didn't give it away. You want to go to a Wonderbolts show?"

That put some life in her. "When?!"

"Two days. I got some tickets in the mail and figured you'd be down to go."

"Awesome!"

"Only one catch, though: We're in the VIP section. You'll have to at least pretend to be good company."

"Psh, no problem! I can pretend for a bunch of old rich ponies any day! Just as long as I don't have to pretend to be your special somepony, that is."

"Ouch, my feelings. Nah, we're going as friends, I assume. I figured I could finally see what the fuss is about since I got the tickets free anyway."

"Hehe, free VIP tickets to a Wonderbolts show…" She seemed to finally notice that I was sitting on her. "So are you gonna get off me or what?"

"I don't know, Dashie. You're pretty comfortable. I might just lie down and fall asleep…"

She gave me another deadpan look before rolling over, sending us both falling off the branch. She caught herself, but I hit the ground. She landed, standing with hooves on either side of my body before sitting down on my stomach. "You're pretty comfortable too, Nav. A little bony, but I could make it work."

"Hey, I don't have anything to do all day. If you want to cuddle, I won't say no."

She narrowed her eyes. "You asked for it." Her wings shot out and she leapt into the tree to get her blanket before flitting back down to me. She did a little catlike circling thing before laying down on me, using a wing to throw the blanket over the two of us. I ran a hand through her mane as she curled up on me and promptly started snoring again.

_It's a nice day out. The grass is soft. Dash is soft. Just two bros, drifting away…_ It's nice to have little moments of calm like that.

Of course, the effect was ruined when I heard a loud click and saw a flash. I looked up to see a smirking Applejack with a camera. That didn't bother me at all.

It apparently bothered Dash, though. She flinched awake at either the click or the flash and looked up blinking. First she saw that she was sleeping on me. And then she saw Applejack's laughing form. And of course, it didn't take her long to see the camera somehow magically held in Applejack's hooves.

Dash jumped off me and pounced at Applejack. "Gimme that!"

Applejack jerked the camera away. "Nope! I always knew you two were close, but I didn't think it was like that!" She was dodging around Dash's attempts to seize the camera.

"It ISN'T like that!" Dash yelled, redoubling her efforts.

"Sure looked that way to me!" AJ laughed, starting to run away.

Dash let off an exasperated sound and took off, tearing after her. I just rolled my eyes and pulled the blanket off before neatly folding it, grabbing it, and following the two of them at a leisurely pace. It looked like Applejack was running into town. With as fast as Dash is, she would be able to easily catch up with her. But with as strong as AJ is, she could probably withstand Dash.

I fully expected to find the two of them having friendly hate sex on the road into town. Perhaps fortunately, I didn't. It didn't take long to find out where they went, though; I asked the first pony I saw and got pointed to Sugarcube Corner.

I wandered over that way, still going at a relatively slow pace. I was in no hurry; I really didn't have anything to do that day aside from go home and spar.

When I stepped into the little shop, the arguing inside stopped and they all turned to me. I continued walking inside and set the blanket on a table. "Ladies." Inside were Pinkie, Applejack, Mrs. Cake, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy. "Am I interrupting something?"

Pinkie put on a massive grin and shook her head. "Nope. We were just talking about you!"

"Nothing bad, I hope." I looked over at the camera being held away from Dash by Pinkie. "Taking pictures, I see? There are some that consider that impolite."

"_I _didn't take any pictures!" Pinkie said. "But I know somepony else diiiiid! And my my, Nav. You and Dashie here seem to be… getting along quite nicely."

Dash started growling, but was leaving the talking up to me at this point. "We are good friends," I calmly admitted. "We do all kinds of things together."

"Like sleeping together?" she innocently asked. Mrs. Cake started blushing at that. Fluttershy's ears dropped. Applejack grinned and Dash just narrowed her eyes.

I scratched at my chin. "Well, there was that one time when we were drunk… But according to some reliable sources, we wrestled a lot first. Apparently we passed out in the middle of it and had to be put in bed. And Dash was using me as a pillow earlier. It's nothing you, Applejack, and Fluttershy haven't done."

Fluttershy let out a cute little sound at that and they all looked her way, eyes widening.

I continued, "When I was injured a year ago, she cared for me. I was out cold for a few days, and she was kind enough to let me use her bed. Of course, it was the only bed in the house and she had to sleep somewhere… And you, Pinkie. You've done it a few times yourself." I poked Applejack on the nose because she was closest. "And you did it when we were with Zecora. Rarity was there as well. Nothing wrong with sharing body warmth, is there?"

AJ looked over to Dash. "Well when you put it like that…" she commented.

"So you two _aren't_ dating?" Pinkie asked, actually sounding kind of sad.

"If we are it's news to me," I answered.

"Aww… I was gonna give you two a party!"

I shrugged. "Them's the breaks, Pinkie. I'm sure you won't have to think hard to come up with another reason to have a party." Dash was looking rather relieved, at this point. "Now, I have something I need to get back to. Dash, don't forget our trip in two days." The others all jerked toward her again as her relieved look disappeared. I had just said we weren't dating, but then I just implied that we had a date. I quickly let myself out before any of them could say a thing.

I knew that was mean, but I couldn't help it. Besides, Dash needs to learn to win her own battles. I smiled when I heard the sound of arguing pick back up again as I walked on home.

To be honest, I had no idea what to bring with me. I mean, there were so many things I wanted to take but so few that would work. I wouldn't need the magic resisting ring, and I could actually lose it if I had it with me. I knew I couldn't bring any of my important weapons because if I was seen I would lose them. I had no idea what season it would be when I got there or where I would be, so I didn't know what clothes to bring. And of course, I couldn't let anyone know I was planning on going anywhere.

In the end, I settled for a very large coat that could cover my wings, my wallet, and a string of throwing knives just in case. I also packed a small bag with a spare set of warm-weather clothes, just in case. I really had no idea what to expect; according to what the time guys said before, I had a pretty large margin of time that I could appear in. And there really was no telling _where _I would appear.

If, of course, they could do it at all.

The big day dawned with Rainbow Dash banging on my door. "COME ON NAV, WE'LL BE LATE!"

I crossed my arms, standing behind her. "Dash, I've been outside for hours." I have no idea how she didn't notice me standing there when she landed.

She jumped around. "There you are! Come _on_, Nav!" She stretched her wings and jumped into the sky, quickly outpacing anything I could do.

I sighed and crossed my arms, waiting. Two minutes later I heard her flying back before she was on the ground. "Come on!"

"Dash, the show doesn't start for six hours. It'll take us less than an hour to get there. What do you want to do in Canterlot for five hours while we wait for the show to begin?"

She blinked a few times. "Six _hours_?" I nodded. "I'm going back to bed. Come and get me when it's time to go." She jumped back into the sky and presumably flew back to her cloud home.

I rolled my eyes just as an angry Doppel slammed the door open. She glared at me. "Why are you banging at the door so early in the morning?"

I pointed to the rainbow streak we could barely see flying away. She rolled her eyes and shut the door, presumably going back to bed.

The two of us got to Canterlot an hour early, because I wanted to get something to eat on the off chance I ended up in the middle of the ocean or something. Dash was definitely excited to see the show, but she was doing her best to hide it and behave.

"You know of any good places to eat here?" I asked as we walked the streets. I had two pockets full of gold, because I knew that shit was really lucrative when I was on Earth. I was hoping I could use some of it to bribe any cops if they ever saw my wings.

"Nav, I don't get to Canterlot that often. _You _come here more often than I do."

Well shit, I only know of three places that serve meat: The palace if you catch them on a good day, the Shady Trough if they're actually serving food, and that place I almost stood Luna up at. I couldn't get into that fancy place without a reservation and I wouldn't bring Dash there anyway. I wouldn't betray the Shady Trough to someone that's more loyal to Celestia than to Luna. And there was no way in hell I was going to the palace when I was in Canterlot to go home.

So we just ducked into the first restaurant that seemed moderately busy.

"…"

"…"

The entire inside of the place was pink. Hearts were everywhere. It seemed like a very couples-oriented place.

"In hindsight," I said, "the name should have tipped us off." The sign outside called this place the Loveboat.

"Let's just go."

Just as we were about to turn around and walk off, we heard the unwelcome call of a friend of ours. "Oh Naaaav! Rainbow Dash!" I had no idea what Rarity wanted and I was very happy to just keep moving.

"Ignore her," I hissed.

Unfortunately, Dash didn't have my sense of self-respect or self-preservation, and chose to turn around. It was either leave her there and risk losing my alibi or stay and have to deal with this place.

I continued walking.

Until Dash's mouth shot out and grabbed my wing, jerking me back. "She needs our help," Dash whispered when she let me go.

I sighed and looked back. Rarity had a very false smile on her face, presumably for the comfort of her date—a rich looking young unicorn stallion who didn't seem that impressed with the looks of Dash. When he saw me, though, his mouth dropped.

Now, as I'm sure you might be able to imagine, the waiting staff at this place was a little confused by me and Dash. First we walk in, looking like a mismatched pair. Then we try and walk out, only to get stopped. Then we started fiercely arguing in whispers about the merit of helping rescue Rarity from a bad date.

Eventually one of the serving staff decided to approach us. "Can… I help seat you?" the ridiculous looking pink mare asked. Dash and I stopped arguing and looked at her to find that she was wearing a shitty Cupid costume.

I sighed and shrugged to Dash. "Can we join our friend over there?" she asked, pointing to Rarity.

"Well… We _do _have double dating tables… I'll just have to ask them if it's okay and then we'll get you seated together!" She happily pranced away.

Dash and I looked at each other. I said, "This is your fault. I want you to remember that."

"Relax, Nav! I'm sure we can do this." _I can. You… maybe not so much._

She did this to herself, though. The preppy mare led us to the table at which a genuinely smiling Rarity and a shocked random unicorn were now sitting. The chairs in this place were uncomfortably close to one another, as Dash and I discovered when we tried sitting.

"Fancy seeing you two here," Rarity happily said. "Especially in a place like this! Why, what ever is the occasion?"

Dash looked to me. "Yeah Nav, what's the occasion?"

_God you ponies suck._ I grinned at Rarity and said, "It's our one year anniversary." I wrapped an arm around the somewhat confused looking Dash and brought her in close. "Thought I'd bring her someplace… special." _Special is one word I'd use to describe this place._ "And who's this?" I asked, looking to her date. Black coat, blue eyes, grey mane, and a white crescent as a cutie mark. If I had to guess I'd call him a night guard.

"Graphite, sir!" he answered. "I've heard so much about you! I didn't know Rarity knew you, though."

I wanted to say something about that, but the waitress came back. "Can I get you something to drink, sir, ma'am?" Rarity and her date already had some kind of shake or something to share.

Dash and I both opened our mouths to answer, but I graciously let her go first. "Berry smoothie."

The mare nodded. "It'll be out in a minute!" She then trotted away, a smile on her face.

"…What about me?"

Rarity grinned. "Nav, dates here share drinks."

Dash's ears twitched at that. I quietly whispered, "If you give me pony AIDS I'll pluck you."

She answered with, "Bite me." I reached down and nibbled on her ear. Her face blushed bright red and she pushed me away.

"You two sure are close," Graphite commented.

"Yep. Shame my Dashie here doesn't share my love of showing it off." I knew I was racking up the hate, but her expressions were just so amusing. "So, what do you do?"

He opened his mouth and a string of words came out. I recognized the word banker. Rarity was discreetly grimacing as he spoke. Some time during his monologue the waitress dropped off the smoothie thing. Three of us used our eyes to silently beg her to ask us for our orders to make the guy shut up. She was too vapid or evil to care, and walked away when she realized he was in the middle of talking.

As soon as he finished, though, the waitress showed up before any of us could say a word. Thankfully, it looked like we didn't have to share food as well as drinks.

When she walked away, Graphite looked at me with a sycophantic grin. "I've heard a lot about you, Sir Navarone, but I never expected to meet you. What's it like, being so close to the princesses?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but Rarity broke in with, "I need to go to the little mare's room. Come along, Dash!"

"Why am _I _going?" she had time to ask before Rarity grabbed her hoof and dragged her off.

The stallion looked rather confused at that. I shrugged and said, "Mares. To answer your question, it sucks." He gasped. "Having friends in high places often comes with the price of having enemies as well. I've been the target of one assassination attempt already." Though I don't know if those thugs wanted to kill me or just hurt me. "And to be honest, the princesses aren't good friends at all. Being on a pedestal for six thousand years removes your ability to empathize well." I shrugged. "It has its good moments, but there's a reason I don't live in Canterlot."

"I… see? So uh, how do you know Rarity?"

"Met her in Ponyville. I assume you met her at one of the parties here?"

He nodded. "Does she spend a lot of time in Ponyville?"

_Hm… Should I fuck Rarity over or help her out here?_

I wasn't expecting an answer, but Flo gave me one anyway: "Help her out, Nav. She's obviously distressed about this stallion. We don't know why, but she is."

"Nah. I met her during one of her infrequent visits." No reason to tell this guy where she lived. For all I knew he could be a serial killer.

"Oh… She hasn't told me that much about herself."

"Have you tried asking?"

He blinked. "Well… No, actually."

"There you go. If there's one thing mares like, it's talking about themselves."

I was going to say more, but Rarity and Rainbow Dash rejoined us. "I trust you two are getting along?" Rarity asked us, her eyes clearly saying that she hoped the opposite was true.

I made eye contact with the guy and flicked my eyes to Rarity. He nodded and asked her, "So Rarity, can you tell me more about yourself?" _There, maybe that will get him to shut up for a while._

Of course, it just opened the floodgates that are Rarity as she delved into one of her favorite topics.

Dash and I immediately zoned out. I whispered, "So how was your trip to the mare's room?"

"I am _never _helping Rarity again," she answered with a shudder. I don't know if that shudder was for the horrors she faced in the bathroom or if it was because my hand was gently tweaking her feathers.

Thankfully, despite Rarity's bad habits and annoying qualities, she is still a lady. So when the food arrived and we began eating, she had to keep her fucking mouth shut while chewing.

The same was not true of Rainbow Dash. When Rarity stopped talking, Dash started going on about the Wonderbolts show we were about to see. It's interesting how she can make flying in circles sound fun. It wasn't so interesting how she managed to spray half-chewed food everywhere.

When Rarity gently shut her eyes and lifted a napkin to dab at a piece of broccoli on her face, I figured it was time to stop it. "Dash, maybe you should… tone it down a little."

I heard Rarity mutter something that sounded like "Understatement…"

Dash looked over her handwork and let out a nervous laugh. "Heheh… Yeah. Sorry, Rarity."

"It's quite alright, dear," Rarity answered with a fake smile.

Now that the floor was clear, Graphite said, "So you two are going to the show as well? The VIP room, I trust?" I nodded, dreading what he was about to say. "Well, this was supposed to be a surprise, but I suppose now's as good a time as any." His horn lit up and two tickets appeared. "Rarity, would you like to go as well?"

"Oh! Er… Yes, of course." She didn't sound that excited. I can't believe ponies are so stupid that they can't recognize lies at all. She laughed nervously. "I guess we'll be joining you two."

"How fun," I quietly said. _As long as we can ditch them after the race, there won't be any problems._ I had been planning on letting Dash just fly home and telling her I would go back after I took care of some business. If Rarity and that random guy came with us, that would be inconvenient.

When we all had finished and were about to leave, the waitress came back by and asked, "Would either of you couples like to join our contest?"

Before I could say no, Dash asked, "What kind of contest?"

The waitress grinned. "A kissing contest. The most passionate kissers of the week get free tickets to one of DJ Pon3's concerts." She actually said Pon-three. I wanted to reach over and smack her.

I held my temper and was about to say no, but felt Dash grabbing my shirt and pulling me down. She whispered, "Sorry," before pressing her face into mine and kissing me.

That lasted nearly ten seconds before the waitress cleared her throat. "Uh… I don't have the camera yet!"

Dash blinked and pulled away from me, breaking the kiss. "Oh… Heheh… Let us know when you're ready?"

The waitress smiled and walked off. I looked down at Dash. "What the hell?"

"Sorry Nav, I just really like Vinyl's concerts."

I rolled my eyes. "Dash, I can get free tickets to any of Vinyl's stuff at any time."

She blinked. "Oh… Heheh, sorry Nav."

The waitress popped back up with her camera, ready to take the picture. Dash was about to wave her away when I put a hand on each cheek and brought her mouth to mine, forcing my tongue through her surprised lips. She struggled for a second before getting into it and moaning, her tongue twisting with mine. I saw a flash from the waitress and held the kiss for a few more seconds before pulling back from Dash.

She was lightly blushing and had her eyes gently closed and tongue slightly extended. A small strand of spit connected our faces until I broke it. Her wings were twitching, trying not to extend. The waitress had a big smile on. Rarity looked shocked and Graphite looked slightly interested.

"Wow…" the waitress whispered before turning to Rarity and Graphite. "Do you want to enter as well?"

Graphite smiled but Rarity quickly said, "No! No thank you. I'm not… interested in that kind of music."

Graphite sighed and the waitress shrugged. "Well, everypony knows where Sir Navarone lives. If you two win we'll get the tickets to you!"

"Awesome. Thanks, ma'am." She walked off, humming a happy song. I looked over to make sure Dash was recovered. She was much better than she had been, at least. I put a hand on the top of her head and rubbed at it, grinning. "You ready to go, Dashie?"

She shook herself. "Yeah…"

With lunch done and the bill paid—by me and Graphite, of course—we started walking to the stadium. Personally, I'm not a fan of walking the streets of Canterlot for a number of reasons. One is that I'm famous and tend to get stares. Another is that Luna made them all dream about fucking me, which is just awkward. And finally, I almost got fucking murdered in this city.

Of course, I wouldn't burden their minds with that. Besides, I'm pretty sure being with a group was enough to discourage anyone that might try anything less than pleasant on me. And if not, throwing knives and night guards materializing out of thin air would.

Graphite and Rarity kept up a conversation as we walked, Dash and I doing our best to stay out of it. Aside from the guy being very talkative and a little bit of a fanboy, I didn't see any problems with him. I mean, _I _wouldn't date him, but I don't see what Rarity's problem is.

Hell, with as much as neither would SHUT UP, I figured they were a good match.

When we finally got to the stadium, I think Dash and I were both about ready to strangle someone. Graphite led the way up the staircase on the stands toward the VIP box, thankfully quiet.

The guard at the door to the VIP room gave us all a cursory glance before his horn lit up and he pulled the rope away. We let ourselves in and walked up the short staircase to find a few rich looking fuckers already there. Fancy Pants was one of them. Many of the others were fawning over him.

He looked up when we walked in and smiled when he saw me and Rarity. "Ah, Rarity and Sir Navarone!" The sycophants fawning over him looked up and smiled when they saw Rarity. I made sure that none of them liked me, so they didn't pay me any mind.

They crowded Rarity, pushing me and Dash away. They tried to push Graphite away as well, but he latched onto Rarity. I just shook my head as Fancy Pants joined us. "I'm surprised to see _you _here, Nav. Usually my invitations to you go ignored."

"Not ignored," I said. "I give them all to Rarity. I'm only here because I need an alibi. If anyone asks, you saw me here and after this I immediately went home."

"Easy enough to remember. And who is this? I thought you said you had given up on mares."

"That's Rainbow Dash, a friend of mine."

His eyebrows lifted. "The Wonderbolt trainer?"

Both of us jerked back. "I wish!" Dash said. "Who told you that?"

"Why, Rarity of course. Then what _do _you do, Miss Dash?"

"I'm a weather pony in training to become a Wonderbolt myself. And I'm the only pony to ever do a sonic rainboom!"

"Well, that's quite a feat. I'm surprised they haven't snatched you up already. If you two are interested in meeting them, some of them usually come up to the VIP box after a show."

Dash's ears perked up and she smiled widely. "Of course we'll stay!"

"I might not be able to stay for long," I said. "I have something important I need to do." It does mean I can just ditch Dash easier, though.

"Just remember," Fancy said, "you still owe me a sparring match."

"Yeah, yeah. I would offer to do it now but I have none of my weapons."

He lifted an eyebrow. "That's somewhat surprising. I wouldn't imagine I'd ever see you without them."

I shrugged. "It happens. I didn't figure I'd need them for what I had planned. When's this show supposed to start, anyway?"

Fancy looked out the window into the stadium. "I'd say now." We heard an announcer start doing her job. It sounded kind of like Luna but with an accent. We all lined up along the window. Fancy said, "I'll be rooting for Misty. I've heard she's been doing extra training this season."

The toadies all nodded, but Dash spoke up, "Nah, Spitfire'll win this one for sure. Misty _has _been doing extra training, but that's only to make up for an injury she got near the end of last season." Rarity gave Dash a rather knowing smile at that.

Lo and behold, Spitfire won. After about fifteen seconds. "…Is that all?" I quietly asked as the crowd roared. No one in the stands was moving, so I assumed there was more.

Fancy Pants looked over to Dash. "You know the Wonderbolts quite well, Miss Dash. That was a good call."

Good enough to get her crowded by the group of boring ponies, at least. They all began talking at once, Dash looking rather confused. Rarity took that distraction to stand by me. "I'm terribly sorry for dragging you two into this, Nav. Though I have to say, the two of you make an adorable couple."

"Don't push it," I told her. "After this place you're on your own with him. I have business in Canterlot and I'm not dragging him with me."

She grimaced. "I'll figure something out. I just didn't want to face this alone."

I shrugged. "Whatever. So is that little race all they're going to do?"

"No, of course not. That was just the opener."

Dash pushed her way out and jumped behind me. "Help," she whispered.

I put a hand on her head and rubbed at her ears, smiling. "She's with me," I told them. They backed the fuck off and went back around Fancy Pants. They probably would have crowded Rarity, but she was still next to me. "Fucking toadies," I muttered, turning back to the events outside the window.

The rest of the show was relatively interesting, though not something I'd pay to see. I'll admit to being impressed, but honestly I don't enjoy watching things like that. Every time there was a race, Dash correctly guessed the winner. I personally found that rather creepy, but the others apparently didn't agree.

Either way, when the show finally ended I figured I had an hour or two before I needed to get to the unicorn tower. All the toadies were talking about something or another amongst themselves. Graphite was still doing his best to attach himself to Rarity. I was talking to Fancy and Dash about knight shit and the war games.

A few of the Wonderbolts walked in during all that. I had no idea who was who, but Rainbow Dash seemed to know them all. She whispered, "Spitfire, Soarin, and High Winds." I actually did recognize two of them. Spitfire was the pegasus from the Maris tournament and Soarin was the pegasus from Flankfurt tournament. The third was a random mare with poofy blue hair.

They blinked in surprise when they saw me. Spitfire grinned and said, "Hey big guy, didn't expect to ever see you at one of these shows."

I shrugged. "I figured I'd see what all the fuss was about. Gotta say, I'm impressed. Lord knows I couldn't do what you three can with _my _shitty wings."

Soarin smiled. "You may not have good wings but Celestia are you quick on your feet! And light, too. The only time I knew you were coming at me during the tournament was when you vaulted over me. Then the only thing I saw was a flash before you bolted back down the dark hall."

"Eh, I gotta get by somehow. Sorry for, you know, cheating like that in both tournaments. I kind of ruined them for everyone else, I think."

Spitfire waved a hoof. "Nah, it's cool. Somepony had to win, and it usually isn't a pony that wins anyway. Hey, I don't know if you ever caught our names. I'm Spitfire. That big lug is Soarin. This quiet little thing is High Winds."

I nodded. "Nice to formally meet you all. I'm Navarone. This here's Rainbow Dash, that's Fancy Pants, and that mare is Rarity. And that guy is Graphite, I guess. Fuck all if I know the rest." All of those names were accompanied by gestures.

"We've met Rainbow Dash a number of times now." Dash jerked when Spitfire said her name, a smile forming on her face. "Same for Sir Fancy Pants. Hey, what did everypony think of the show?" There was a mixture of polite clopping and light praise. "That's always good to hear." She didn't sound that happy to hear it, though.

"Used to more boisterous crowds?" I quietly asked as Soarin and High Winds strode up to the small group of rich ponies.

"Something like that," she answered with a nod. She looked over to Dash. "You know, if you really want to become a Wonderbolt, the academy is opening next spring. We'll be accepting a lot of new pegasi. With your history, I imagine you'll have no trouble at all."

Dash's grin grew three sizes that day. Seriously, it creeped me out. Spitfire seemed to agree, because she chuckled nervously. "When can I apply?" Dash very quickly asked. "And where?"

"Just send your application to our chapter house in Cloudsdale."

Dash looked like she was about to go into the whole 'Omigosh' thing again, so I broke in before she embarrassed herself. "So what're the perks to the job?" I asked.

Spitfire grinned. "More bits than you can shake a stick at and all the adoring fans you could want. And I gotta say, these outfits can make a mare look sexy."

"I'll say…" I muttered, giving her an appraising look. "If I didn't have something really important to do soon, I'd ask if you were going to be busy for a while."

She grinned. "And if you did I'd say no." She shrugged. "We might do an event in Ponyville soon, if you're still interested. Until then, I have fans to attend to. Talk to you later!" She walked out of the VIP box, leaving me and Dash standing there.

"Well, she was nice," I said, looking down at Dash, who was looking at me with horror. "What?"

"Did… did you just… proposition _Spitfire_?"

"Yeah. Looks like she was interested, too. Shame I have somewhere to be. I need to tell Rarity something and then we can leave."

"…Yeah…" She sounded too shocked to say much else.

I walked over to the bored looking Rarity. She perked up when she saw me approaching and met me halfway, away from her date. "Hey marshmallow, I gotta go. Dash is probably leaving with me. We'll take you with us if you think that guy is a serial killer or something."

"No, he eats eggs… But you are _not _going to leave me alone with him. Give me just one moment and I'll be along."

I shrugged and went back to Dash. "We'll be going shortly, hopefully."

She snapped out of her stupor. "Nav, can I ask a huge favor?"

I shrugged. "Nothing stopping you from asking."

"If you do… _that _with Spitfire, think you can get me in on it?"

"I can ask. No promises. That's assuming either of us remember or if I ever see her again."

Rarity joined us at the perfect time. "Come on, let's go." She nervously looked behind her. "Quickly."

I led the way out and away from the mostly empty stands. We stayed quiet until we got out of the stadium entirely. That's when Dash turned to Rarity and said, "So what's the big deal, anyway? What was so bad about that stallion?"

"What was so bad? _What was so bad?!_ Did you _see _his tuxedo? Horrible! He has no fashion sense at all! And all he did was talk and talk with no consideration for me at all. It was only after we left him alone with Nav that he even thought to ask a thing about me. That's not even talking about his choice of venue! Did you _see _that restaurant? That's a place for teenagers, not mares! And especially on the first date! The nerve of that stallion…"

Dash and I shared a look. We both rolled our eyes. I said, "Well, this is the part where I leave you two. I have business to take care of."

Rarity and Dash both scoffed. "Where you go, I go," Rarity said. "I will not risk bumping into that stallion without you."

Dash nodded and said, "I signed my entire day away for this trip. Besides, I always wanted to see what kind of _business _you get into when you're not in Ponyville. You always come back with the most awesome stories!"

"I'm also interested," a third voice said as Fancy Pants stepped out of an alley. We all jumped at his voice. "I apologize for the scare. I always try to get away from those insufferable ponies after a show. I mentioned having business to discuss with you and they quickly found someplace else to be. And then I remembered you mentioning you needed an alibi, which means that I'm quite interested in what you're up to."

I quickly grinned. "Now now, what I'm up to is none of your concerns. It's private, is all."

Fancy grinned, rubbing a hoof under his chin. "I wonder what the princesses would say when I told them that you had some _private _business in Canterlot that you wanted them not to know about."

I narrowed my eyes, the smile dropping. "Fine. None of the three of you can tell anyone about what I'm going to do. Let's go."

I spun about and began walking to the gates out of town. Dash quickly hopped up next to me, Fancy and Rarity falling in behind me. "So where we going, Nav?" Dash asked.

"Unicorn tower. I asked them to research something for me. They told me they had a breakthrough. I'm hoping that means what I think it means."

"…What do you think it means?"

"That I'm going home."

She stopped, getting Fancy Pants to bump into her. Then she jumped in front of me. "What?!"

"Temporarily." Probably. "Now let's go."

She huffed and rejoined my side. "You better come back," she warned. "If you abandon Taya like that we'll find a way to get to you."

I had no intention of abandoning her on purpose, of course. What we intend and what happens is not always the same, though.

"I always did want to visit the tower," Rarity said after a few minutes of walking. "Twilight goes on about it sometimes. I admit, she makes it sound extraordinary."

"It is," Fancy said. "Unicorns from all walks of life go there to learn and commit themselves to magic of all kinds. Most become masters in their craft and move on into the world to either teach or practice, but some dedicated ponies stay there all their lives to learn more and more. But to open a portal between dimensions… That is powerful magic. Navarone, why don't you want the princesses knowing about this?"

"Because they would stop me." Probably. "If it is possible to go home, I will. Imagine being ripped from your life, your family, with no chance to say goodbye. Imagine how _they _feel about that, let alone me. I owe them an explanation of what happened."

He shrugged. "My lips are sealed, Navarone."

Dash bumped against me. "You already know I won't tell anypony if you don't want me to. If the princess doesn't ask it's not lying."

"Your secret is safe with me," Rarity added when she realized the other two were staring at her. _That was easier than I thought._

"So Navarone," Fancy said, "tell me about your world."

"It's like this one but with about six billion more people, with all the consequences that involves. We have more technology than you can possibly imagine. It's alright, thought there are a bunch of stupid jerks. I don't think you'd fit in well, though."

He shrugged. "Maybe not, but I wouldn't mind visiting anyway. I wouldn't mind seeing some of that 'technology.' I wonder if it would be a match for magic."

"My money is on yes. Given the choice between science and technology versus magic, I'd pick science every day. I'm pretty sure most humans would."

Dash scoffed. "I still want to see those planes that go faster than I do. I won't believe it until then."

"If I do go back I'm going to do my best to bring some stuff back with me. Hopefully I'll be able to." Like a laptop with a fuckton of music and ebooks, a solar charger, a pack of pens, some mechanical pencils with a shitload of lead, and a few other things.

The conversation devolved into Dash imagining what she would do if she had a load of tech, though she got a number of details incredibly wrong. Although if I somehow ended up in the future of when I left we might have giant robots.

When we got to the tower, Dash and Rarity looked up at it in awe. I put my ring on and the other three were given a number of protection spells. I wasn't really paying much attention as we walked up the blackened path to the tower. I was quite excited about the prospect of going home.

Flo whispered, "Nav, if you do get back home, there is a good chance I will not be able to speak. I want you to know that if your wings get seen and you end up in a lab or something, they will probably find signs of me in your blood. I will do my best to stay hidden, but I don't know how well that will work."

_That's not a bad thing, though. I've had a lot of weird shit done to me. Why would it matter if they find you?_

"It is just a warning. I know your blood is very different and that will probably be enough to throw them off my scent. If they mention anything strange, that is why."

_I'll keep that in mind._ When we got inside, the same secretary was sitting at the front desk.

She smiled when she saw me. "Oh, Sir Navarone! And you brought friends this time. I trust you're here for the experiment?"

"The one I wanted researched, yes. When is it?"

"Oh, about half an hour. If you'll follow me over to the teleportation pad, we can get you into the Orb in no time."

My eyebrows lifted. "We're going up there?"

"Well of course! If this experiment works, it will be the first sanctioned attempt at traversing time. And over such a long period… Why, I imagine everything about this will go down in the history books."

"Well… That's interesting to hear, I suppose." Just as long as no one learns about it until it's too late. "So can you send us on up?"

"Yep. Come on over." She led the way to the teleportation pad, Rarity and Dash looking around in wonder at the place.

"So why can't we just fly there?" Dash asked.

"No fly zone," the pegasus secretary answered. "Nopony can fly over the tower unless they're doing a sanctioned experiment. We've taken down dragons before as they tried to fly over."

Dash let out a low whistle. "Wow. Sounds like you can put up quite an obstacle course…"

I knew the look she had. "No, Dash. I don't think there was much left of that dragon when they removed it from the air. It's not worth trying."

She sighed. "Fiiiiine. I guess seeing the biggest spell of all time is cool too."

We all got to the pad and the secretary smiled up at me. "I'll see _you _soon, I hope," she said before saying, "Orb." She pulled the lever and we teleported up.

Rarity sighed. "Nav, do you rut every mare you meet? Surely I'm not the only one to notice this!"

Dash grinned. "He hasn't rutted me yet! Heheh, what does that say about you, Rarity?"

I grinned and stepped off the pad, walking to the unicorn guards at the double doors. "We're here for the experiment," I said.

They looked me up and down. "We need to test if you're a changeling."

I pulled out a hidden throwing knife and slashed my hand open. As soon as they saw the blade they jerked back, ready to attack. When they saw what I was doing, they just gave me a bored look. "Sir, we had an easier way to do that," one said.

I shrugged. "It worked. Test the others."

Their horns lit up and rays of light shot out to hit the others. Nothing happened. "Very well, you may proceed," one said, the doors opening automatically.

We let ourselves in. There was a sign in front of us that had directions. Two offices were on either side of the tunnel we just stepped into. I narrowed my eyes as I looked at the map. _This place is a copy of the Ministry of Truth in Morrowind. Holy hell._ I mean, that was my first thought when I saw it floating up like it was, but to have it confirmed? Fucking ponies, man.

I followed my memories, letting it take me to what should have been a prison cell but was instead a large hollowed area where they presumably cast spells of titanic proportions.

Rarity was talking to whoever was listening about how the barren rock walls were boring, but not unsalvageable.

Dash whispered so only we could hear, "Hey Nav, do you… think I could go with you?"

"No. It's enough of a risk for me to go at all, with my wings. I'm not bringing a pony." She sighed, but didn't try to fight it.

I got the first look at the hollow chamber. Every single inch of the walls were covered in glowing sigils and glyphs, each presumably for protection. The floor was perfectly white stone that looked like marble. Engraved into it with fire was a massive polygon that slowly shifted its shape as I watched it. The smell of incense and spell ingredients hung heavily in the air. A large circle of unicorns stood around the polygon, each of their horns glowing and chants coming from their lips. Upon each face was a look of intense concentration as they pooled their magic together for one ultimate spell.

As soon as we walked in, the unicorn from the temporal mechanics room met us by the door. He whispered, "Good to see you here. We have no idea how far back this spell will send you, so we'll use a few spells on you beforehand so that you'll be able to speak whatever language is there and breathe the atmosphere. Everypony in the room is going to get both spells, because this spell… This isn't your average spell. Anything in that polygon will be torn from time and hurled backwards in time, while anything in the spot you arrive in will be torn and hurled forward. It's entirely possible we'll hit a city and bring back ten other humans. The spell should wear off in a week. IF… If it succeeds at all. Sir Navarone, are you absolutely certain you want to do this?"

"Hell yes. Do I just stand in the circle?"

He nodded. "If you have any items you want to leave behind," he nodded at a box on a table next to the doors, "put them in there and place your ho—hand on the top. It will seal it so that only you can open it."

I walked over to it and put my ring inside. I closed it, put my hand on the top, and took a very deep breath. _It's finally happening_. I nodded and walked over to the circle, doing my best to walk as quietly as possible. When I stood in the center, I gently pulled my pack up and took out my jacket, throwing it over my shoulders.

_Let's do this._

Of course, it's never as simple as that. As the chick downstairs said, they were planning on starting in half an hour. Everything up until then was just the preliminary. That meant I was standing in the middle of a shifting polygon with chanting unicorns all around me for thirty minutes. It was kind of boring, and the excitement I felt made the time flow very slowly.

Finally, the chanting began to increase in volume and the light from the horns fully lit up the room. I found myself smiling as the time seemed to speed up, something finally happening. Five minutes sped by, the unicorns still channeling power.

Finally, something happened. Not something momentous or extraordinary or any kind of wonderful.

Something terrible.

The screaming began. I jerked my head to the door to find the tentacle beast from before fighting the guards, with Rarity, Dash, and Fancy Pants backing away toward the circle.

Several unicorns flinched at the noise, their horns spiking in light as their chanting suddenly stopped. I saw a number of fluctuations in light as the spell seemed to unravel around me. My eyes went wide as the monster threw one of the guards into the ground in front of Rarity, making the three of them turn tail and bolt right toward me.

I held up my hands to stop them, because I'm pretty sure at this point I was fucked. Right as soon as they pushed through the unicorn wall into the polygon, the spell imploded.

* * *

A note from—You know who I am.

Flash back five minutes, to the point right when the unicorns started picking up the spell. I was watching—of course I was watching, I had to make sure they didn't succeed. If those fools knew what they were attempting, if they knew the consequences...

They did not.

I was using my magic to cancel theirs, siphoning their spell energy into nothingness.

I was too focused on their efforts—and too far away, trying to guide an effort in a room with enough wards to give even _me _trouble—to see the true danger. It wasn't until I felt the spike of fear that I knew what was happening.

My concentration was shattered for one little second.

It was time enough for my oldest enemy to work. Random chance…

I imagine they could hear my rampage all the way from Canterlot. When my anger was spent—and Trixie was horrified beyond all belief—I sat and thought, something I told myself I would never do again.

I thought back to the time before the Incident, to the time of Man.

And I remembered. I remembered the cause of what I did.

As I cried for the first time in my very long life, I finally realized that I was the cause of my greatest mistake.

* * *

With a flash of lightning we were no longer in the chamber. We reappeared in a barren clearing, three feet into the ground on all sides of the polygon, snow and dirt forming a wall all around us. _Glad I brought the coat_... I could see roots cut clean in half where they were bisected by the spell.

Dash had been flying when we teleported. As soon as we appeared, she tumbled to the ground, unable to keep in the air. Rarity was panting and wide-eyed, trying to look all around her for the monster. Fancy Pants was trying to regain his composure.

I was fucking pissed.

"My. One. Chance. GONE! FUCK!" I sank to the soft ground. "I just… wanted to go home. Was that so much to ask?" Rarity said something but I wasn't listening. I held up a hand to silence her, hearing something infinitely more important. Something I hadn't heard since… "Car. Nobody move."

I grabbed my pack and vaulted out of the pit, running in the direction of the sound. I heard some movement behind me but I zoned it out, concentrating on finding any signs of a road. Soon, I found it: A long black road stretching to two curves in the forest around us.

I knelt down, listening for the car. _It's coming toward me, I think. Here's hoping courtesy exists whenever we are._

When I saw it coming closer, I stood on the side of the road and held out my thumb, hoping the person inside would be kind enough to stop. Joy of joys, he was. The strange looking car slowed to a stop right in front of me before the old man inside opened his door and stepped out.

"Jesus, boy!" he said, looking me up and down. "When was the last time you ate? You run away from home or something?"

_God dammit._ I had forgotten how short I was. I probably looked like a fucking teenager. "Not quite. Can I use your phone?"

He looked at my gaunt cheeks again. "Boy, get in the car. You need to eat."

I shook my head. "I have… some friends here. I can't leave them."

"My car is bigger than it looks, kid. If they're in as bad a shape as you, bring them here and I'll get them all something to eat."

"That would not end well. Look, please just let me use your phone. I can make it worth your while."

He ran a hand through his greying hair. "Alright. You stand right there and call whoever you need to call. I'll be listening. Keep whatever money you got, though." He pulled out a very futuristic phone from his pocket. "You know how to use one of these?"

I shook my head. "I've… been away for a while."

He rolled his eyes. "And they called _me _old fashioned when I got this thing. What's the number?"

_Here's hoping this guy still has his number_. I rattled one off that I barely remembered. "That area code's in Texas, ain't it?" he asked as he passed me the phone.

"Yeah." I put it up to my ear, listening to the dial tone.

"How the hell did you wind up in Maryland?"

"Long story." I heard someone pick up the phone. "John?" I hopefully said.

"…Yeah?"

"It's…" I almost said Navarone. "Anonymous. I need to cash in on that favor."

"Holy shit, Anon? I haven't heard from you in years! How's it going, man?"

"Badly. That's why I need the favor. Do you still own that horse ranch?"

"No. I thought you heard. I sold that fucker twenty years ago." _Twenty years?!_

"Holy… What year is it?"

"You alright, man?"

"…Yeah. Listen, can you get a horse trailer to Maryland?"

"Anon, are you on drugs?"

"Look, I know it's a lot to ask. I can make it worth your while. But you fucking owe me."

"That was forty years ago, and an accident to boot!"

"Bitch, you fucking shot me!"

He sighed. "Fine. I'll see what I can do. Where do I need to get it?"

"Hold on." I looked up at the old man. "What's the nearest exit?"

He smiled. "Kid, I don't think you know how lost you are. There's nothing in twenty miles either way."

"I'll be fine. What's the nearest exit?"

"Look, I can let you stay at my place until your friend gets here. Is that okay?"

I sighed. "Fine. What's the address?" He told me and I relayed it to John.

"Shit…" he said. "I can be there in three days."

"Can you make it two?" I asked.

"No. You're lucky everyone's off for Christmas or I couldn't come at all. Now I need to go set this up. I'll talk to you later, Anon."

He hung up before I could say anything. I took a look at the phone, seeing a date. _Thirty-five years. Shit, son_. I passed it back to the old man. "Are you religious?" I asked him.

His eyes went up to my hair. "I'm about to hear something very strange, aren't I?"

"What makes you think that?"

He sighed, leaning against his car. "Kid, I can take one look at your eyes and know you aren't human." …I knew I was forgetting something. "Having your hair turn white in front of my eyes is just confirmation. So what are you?"

I sighed and grabbed the edge of my jacket before pulling it off, stretching my wings out. His mouth just dropped. "I take it you recognize me now," I said, folding my wings and putting my jacket back on. "Needless to say, I would ask that you stay silent about me and my friends. Again, I can make it very worth your while."

His mouth was working, but nothing was coming out. Finally, he let out a strangled, "_How_?"

"They all say that. Can I count on your help, and your silence?"

He took a deep breath before nodding. "Yes sir. Just… my family might not be so accepting."

"You got sunglasses?" He woodenly nodded. "I'm a blind beggar you found on the road. I assume if you live out here you have a place my friends can hide?"

"Yes sir… But who are your friends?"

I looked into the woods and saw them watching from the shadows. I waved them forward. Fancy Pants was the first to move, taking a stance in front of Rarity and Rainbow Dash as they all walked out. Thankfully, one of them had the sense to tell Fancy and Rarity to lose the clothes.

I'll admit, I was tempted to leave the three of them behind. If I didn't have to deal with them I could get a bus and ride down to Texas and find my family that way. But since I wasn't going to be here long and I had a favor to cash in anyway…

I looked back to the old man to see that he had fallen to his knees, a hand over his heart. "My God," he was whispering over and over. It felt kind of bad to be using religion to get help from this guy, but on the other hand I really didn't want to end up in a government lab. I figured letting him think I was an angel would work.

Rarity opened her mouth but I quickly lifted my hand to mine, hopefully getting her to not say a word. She seemed to get the message and closed it again.

"These are my friends," I told him, walking over to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "As I said, there's a reason I wanted silence. I imagine that there are a few parties that would be very interested in having us. And there is one almighty party that desires us to be free until our job is complete."

He licked his lips nervously, still looking at the ponies. "Why… why are you here, if you are needed in Texas?"

"I have heard a phrase from some of the younger souls, as they come off the mountain of Purgatory. The lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe you were meant to find us, to help us."

His nervousness vanished. "Of course! Thank you, o lord, for the chance to serve!" The ponies were suitably confused by that, but with a shake of my head I got them to look somewhat unconcerned. "Come, I've kept you all in the cold for too long."

He walked over to the driver's side of the sedan and opened his door. I walked over to the ponies and quietly said, "Follow my orders. Do not talk. Do not ask questions. Do not use magic, if you even can. Come." I led them to the back door and opened it up. "It'll be a tight fit, but you can manage." Dash gave me a flat look. "Get. In." She rolled her eyes and hopped in, scooting as far over as she could. Thankfully, it had a flat seat. Rarity went next.

Fancy was last. He whispered, "I hope you know what you're doing, old boy," before joining the other two. It was, as I said, a tight fit, and the car was rather off balanced. I closed the door and got in the front seat.

"Never thought I'd sit in a car again," I sighed as I put the seatbelt on.

"What's Heaven like?" the old man suddenly asked as he turned the car on.

"Depends on who you ask. Me, it's business as usual. A human soul, though? I've watched poets become speechless. Human words simply can't describe it. You're used to this place, this dull Earth. The differences are infinite."

"…And hell?"

I sighed. "Humans aren't supposed to pity those that go to hell. They had their chance and they wasted it." I closed my eyes, turning my head away. "We have no such compunctions. I pity my lost brothers and sisters and I pity the humans that rot with them."

We drove in silence for some time after that. "What's… God like?"

"He is a father and all humans are his children. He is the most perfect father you can imagine. Where are the sunglasses?"

"Glove box. They aren't the best, but they'll do."

I pulled them out and put them on. "It's strange. Normally when I'm sent on a mission I don't have to worry about showing off who I am. I also don't usually have to worry about any lesser celestial beings traveling with me. Something big must be happening that I wasn't informed of."

"Whatever you need help with, Eustace is your man," he told me. I assumed his name was Eustace. "Muriel will probably worry over you as soon as you step in the door." _Don't tell me they have a dog named Courage_. "No offense, sir, but you don't look that healthy."

"I'm honestly not, but I am that way for a reason. What better way to gain help from kind mortals than by letting them think I am helpless? It worked on you, did it not?"

"…I suppose it did. The lord does work in mysterious ways…"

There was so much I wanted to ask, but I couldn't without showing my ignorance and lack of divinity. I don't think it would matter that much, but I wasn't going to take a chance.

He asked, "So what are these three horse-like things?"

"Two unicorns and a pegasus," I answered. "They prefer the term ponies. They're quite intelligent and rather even-tempered. I won't need any food, but they probably will."

He smiled, looking in the rear-view mirror at them. "This sounds silly, but can they talk?"

"Of course no—"

"Yes," Rarity answered.

Eustace jerked the fucking wheel and slammed on the brakes. Thankfully, there was no one coming on our backcountry.

"You had one job, Rarity! Eustace, calm the fuck down. If you send us into a snow drift I do _not _want to pull this car out."

She sniffed. "Well _excuse _me."

"Fancy, if you want to practice some domestic abuse, I'm looking the other way. Dash is too. Eustace, are you okay?"

He was taking deep breaths, looking in the mirror. "I'm… I'm good. That's just about too much for this old heart to take, is all. What about the other two?"

I sighed. "Cat's out of the bag. Eustace, meet Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fancy Pants. If you ask about the names I'll smite you. Ponies, say hi."

"I'm _terribly _sorry for scaring you," Rarity said with a smile. "I'm Rarity."

Fancy went next. "Thanks for the help, old chap," he said. "I'm Fancy Pants."

"Dude, that was awesome!" Dash said, presumably meaning the part where he jerked the wheel and tried to kill us. "Oh, and I'm Rainbow Dash, best flier anywhere!"

Eustace took one more deep breath before nodding. "Hello. I'm Eustace MacCraig. Sorry for the scare, there… It's been an interesting day."

"Excellent," I said, nodding. "Now let's get back to moving before a very well-meaning cop discovers us and finds out things he shouldn't."

"Yes sir." Eustace maneuvered the car back around so we could get back to driving before taking off. "So what's flying like?" he asked when we were again moving.

Dash smiled. "It's a load of fun, especially when you start going really fast! Not that Nav here would know anything about that."

"Nav?" he asked, eyeing me askance. "I don't remember that name from the Bible."

"And if everything in the Bible was true then God was the worst tyrant to ever exist," I answered. "Contrary to popular belief, the greatest trick Satan ever did was not convincing people he didn't exist, it was whispering deceit into the minds of those that copied the lord's word. Besides, you don't expect billions of angels to be named in that document, do you?" This religious talk is getting annoying.

"Well… No. If the lord knew his holy word was tainted, why didn't he have it fixed?"

"Faith. Would He have allowed the devil to corrupt His word with no reason? If the document was perfect, there would be no reason to believe for all would _know_. Worshipping him is a choice, and there is no choice between a fact and a lie."

"That… makes sense, actually."

I smiled. "Good." _Now if only it made sense to me._

A few minutes later he began slowing down. "Sir, if we explain the situation to my wife and kids, we can probably convince them not to say anything."

"I won't take that chance. If it would truly be a bother for me to stay in the house with you and them, I can stay hidden with my friends. I can sit immobile for days at a time if I need to." Though that was with Flo in my head. It might be harder now.

"They'll be fine. But your friends need to get out now." He began pulling over off to the side. I could barely see an old abandoned building out in the woods. "They can take shelter in there until your friend shows up."

I pulled myself out of the car and opened the door for Fancy Pants. "Take care of them," I said, helping him out. "There shouldn't be any snakes this time of year, but there might be spiders or some poisonous bugs. I'll see what I can do about keeping you three fed."

He nodded, turning to help the other two out. "We'll be fine, Sir Navarone. And for what it's worth… I'm sorry for ruining this for you."

"Sorry won't give me another chance. Make sure Rarity keeps her fucking mouth shut when we meet the next person." I got a glare for that but I didn't care. "Hopefully he'll be here in three days. Keep away from the road unless I come for you."

He nodded. "Yes sir. Come along, you two." He herded Rarity and Dash into the woods. I followed them up to the edge to grab a long stick before walking back to the car and getting back in.

"Who ever heard of a blind man without a cane?" I asked to Eustace's confused look. He grinned before pulling up a few hundred feet further and turning down a side road that turned out to be a driveway. He stopped the car in front of a nice looking house that already had six other cars around it. We sat in silence for a moment before I said, "I have to thank you for doing this, Eustace." I reached into a pocket and grabbed one of my coin pouches, pulling two bits out. "I know the price of gold is probably different from the last time I was here, but this should be more than enough to cover whatever we use."

He took the bits, wide-eyed. He looked at one of them, turning it over in his hands. "Sun and moon?" he asked.

"Usually we're given local money, but it appears that whatever screw-up brought the three ponies with me also extended to my money. If I had to guess, I'd say that was either Aztec or Egyptian money. Either way, it should be worth a fortune. Now, are you ready?"

"Yes sir." We stepped out of the car. I held my makeshift cane up to try to get a feel for it. He stepped around to the back of his car and popped his trunk. I heard rustling bags and saw him pulling out groceries.

"You need help?" I asked.

"And ask a blind man to carry my groceries? There's not much, just a few things we needed for Christmas."

I shrugged and followed him up to the door, holding my cane out in front of me as I hoped a blind person did, using it to feel the ground. When we got to the porch I used the hand rail, happy to have one for the first time in four years. I mean, why have one if most of the population don't have hands?

He opened the door and we let ourselves in. I gently kicked it shut behind me. "Muriel?" he called. "I'm home. And we have another guest."

An old woman bustled out of a side hallway, the smell of cooking following her. "Took you lo—Hello." She stopped when she saw me. "And who are you?" she asked in a kind tone.

"Michael, ma'am," I answered with a nod in her direction. "I hope you don't mind, but your husband decided to help me out until a friend can get here for me."

"I… see." Her eyes went to my cane and then to my very bony and gaunt hand. "Oh, you're so… skinny…" I didn't comment. "Well, I don't like that he just took you in like this without asking us, but I'm sure he had a very good reason." She narrowed her eyes and looked over at the old man. "He _better _have." She looked back at me, the somewhat happy look back. "Thankfully, we have plenty of room. Come, leave that stick at the door and I'll introduce you to the rest of the family."

"Well, I would leave it, but I don't really want to bump into anything," I answered.

Her eyes shot up to my sunglasses and she blushed. "Oh, I see—er, I mean… Oh lordy…"

I grinned. "It's okay, ma'am. Any words at this point that aren't 'give me everything you have' are more kindness than I'm used to."

She sighed. "Well, let me at least get your coat…"

"I'd rather keep it, ma'am," I quickly said. "The robbers… didn't exactly leave me with much. Just this bag and what I have on."

She sighed, shaking her head. "It's a wonder anyone can get along at all these days… Robbing a blind young man… Well, come on then. I'll introduce you to the others. Eustace, you put those groceries in the kitchen and join us." She walked up to me and gently took my hand in hers. "Just follow me, Michael." She pulled me back down the way she came. I trailed behind her, trying to act like a blind person and hopefully doing a good enough job to fool her. "So where are you from?"

"Texas, ma'am. I've been traveling for so long I don't remember much about it, though."

"I see. We're turning a corner now." She led me into a big dining room with a very long and rather full table. The muted conversation stopped when we walked in. "Everybody, this is Michael. He'll be staying with us for a few days."

One middle-aged man stood up and walked over to me. "Michael, is it?" he said.

"Yes sir," I answered, not looking directly at him.

"It's not polite to look away from people when you're talking to them, boy," he said.

Muriel jerked back but before she could say anything I answered, "I've been told that. But when you don't see anything when you're looking, it seems more of a pointless nicety."

He nodded. "Welcome to the MacCraig family." He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, let's find you a place." He started pulling me down the table. "So where you from and where you going?" he asked.

"Texas. Hopefully going back to Texas. Mister Eustace was kind enough to offer to let me stay until a friend can come and get me."

"What brings you all the way out here?" he asked as he pulled out a chair for me.

"Some people with less than scrupulous morals," I said as I was helped into a chair. "Thank you. I was given the option of getting in a car or being given a new hole to breathe through. I chose to go for a ride. When I was politely asked to get out, I was out several hundred dollars, along with almost everything I had."

He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. "That's a right shame. I can't imagine who would… Well, you're here now. Guess God really does look after the blind."

"And I thank Him for it," I said as Eustace walked in.

"I hope everyone's ready to eat," he said as he walked to the head of the table. "Shall we say grace?" You know, I honestly didn't even notice the fucking feast in front of me. _I guess I'm a better blind guy than I give myself credit for._

We all joined hands, the very cute girl next to me smiling as she took mine. Eustace said a very nice prayer that I didn't really pay much attention to. When he finished and the food started getting passed around, some teenager asked me, "So why would a blind kid travel alone? Isn't that just asking for trouble?"

"To prove I can," I answered. "And I'm not a kid, just very short."

He muttered something, probably because the guy that was sitting next to me was glaring at him. "Don't mind him," he said. "You got any stories to tell?"

"Most of my stories are either not suitable for dinner conversation or something that would be better suited for kids… Unless you mean personal stories. Tales of a blind man stumbling about in the world aren't that interesting, trust me."

"I'm a kid at heart," he answered with a shrug.

I grinned. "Then let me tell you some tales of Navarone, knight of a forgotten land…"

Dinner was pretty awesome, and eating duck and turkey for the first time in years was even better. It's a shame it was ruined by the door being kicked in. I immediately shot to my feet and bolted that way, beating everyone else in the family to the main hall. I saw black-clad people with long guns and respirators.

_Oh fuck me._ I turned and bolted the other way, hearing yelling behind me. I got to the end of the hall and ran into two more of the troops. The guns pointed straight at me and I knew it was over.

"Hands up," one of them ordered. I slowly put them in the air. "Now turn around and start walking back where you came from." I did as he ordered, slowly moving down the hall. The other two troops were aiming their guns into the dining room, probably daring anyone to move. When I got to them, one of them grabbed me and pushed me into the dining room.

I turned to face them. "You're making a mistake," I said.

"We know exactly what we're doing," one of them answered. It sounded like a woman. "Sunglasses off."

I gave her a disarming grin. "You wouldn't deny a blind man a comfort, would you?"

Her gun pointed right at me. "I suggest you start doing as I say. Take off your sunglasses." After a moment of thought, I sighed and pulled them off, showing her my cat-like eyes. She nodded at seeing them. "Now the jacket."

"Come on, lady!" She flipped off the safety. I sighed and slipped it off, spreading my wings. "I don't suppose you'll let a servant of the lord do his work in peace, would you?"

"I would not. You can come quietly or we can make you come. The choice is yours."

I narrowed my eyes. "You'll regret this."

"I have to die first. Get moving."

I looked over my shoulder at the family that was now very shocked and confused. "Your kindness will be remembered. And thank you, Eustace. Tell no one I was here."

He nodded. "Yes sir. We'll stay quiet."

I slowly walked up to and past the woman with the gun, it trailing me the entire way. If I thought fighting back would have done anything I would have stabbed her with one of my hidden knives. As it was, I had a feeling trying to fight would get my shit wrecked and it might hurt some of the nice family behind me. So I just kept walking in silence until I was outside.

There were more troops outside. As soon as I stepped out their guns jerked up at me. I started to stretch my wings because they had been cramped in the jacket, but a gloved hand grabbed one and wrenched it down. "You try and fly away," the woman said, "I'll break them." I lowered my other wing and she let me go. "Keep walking." I did. The troops herded me to a large black troop transport. She stopped me right before I stepped inside. "Turn around." I did. "Why did you need a horse trailer?"

I very quickly thought of a lie. "Do you know how uncomfortable it is to sit in a car with these things?"

"This is your one warning. If you lie to me again I will shoot one of your wings. I'm interested in seeing what color 'angel' blood is. Why did you need the horse trailer?"

I focused in on my throwing knives, tensing myself to move. "I told you why." The gun angled to my left wing and that's when I moved. I twisted my body and brought a hand to my sleeve, pulling out a knife. Her gun went off and a bullet slammed into the edge of my wing before she tried to correct her aim and bring her rifle to bear on me. I had my knife out before she could get it up and slammed it through her jacket armor into her arm, leaving it there and drawing another. The other troops were quickly spreading around me and trying to get a shot as I grabbed the soldier by her rifle and pulled her to me, putting my knife against her neck.

"You move, she dies," I said, slowly backing the two of us into the troop transport. They all stopped. "I don't want to hurt anyone, but by God I fucking will."

"I suggest you let me go," the woman I was holding said.

"I know this is a bad idea, you don't have to tell me," I whispered.

"There's a man standing behind you with a gun to the back of your head," she said. I heard the hammer pull back on another pistol.

"Let her go," an older voice said. "We will not hurt you if you do." _Now I remember why I hated this place._ I let her go and pushed her back. "The knife, if you would?" I sighed and let it fall, holding my hands up. The woman bent down and grabbed my knife with her uninjured hand. "Turn around. I want to look at your face." I did as he said and saw an old white guy that looked sort of like my grandfather dressed in a suit. He very slowly nodded. "I wouldn't believe it if I couldn't see it…" he whispered. "What is your name?"

As I was staring down the barrel of a .45, I considered my options. Eventually I said, "Anonymous, Navarone, Michael. Take your pick."

He decocked his gun before putting it in a holster. "When my old friend called me and said someone was pretending to be me, I didn't believe him at first. But when our satellite showed us what you were, my organization deemed it important to investigate. Your three pony friends should be apprehended by now, unless they put up more of a fight than you did. Speaking of which…" His eyes went to my holey wing. "I suppose we should look at that. Are you going to continue to try resisting, or are you ready to go quietly?"

"Stop pointing guns at me and I'll play nice."

He looked at all the troops and waved his hands down. I heard the woman say, "You sure, dad? He fucking stabbed me."

The old man grinned. "You were threatening to shoot him. I say it's somewhat fair. You, Anonymous, do you have any more weapons on you?"

"Yes. A strip of throwing knives across my chest."

"Well… I imagine you're already cold. Take them off quickly and get your shirt back on and then we'll look at that wound." I pulled a hand inside my shirt and unbuckled the strip of knives before taking them out and throwing them on the ground. "I suppose that is one way to do it. Jessica, if you would?"

She sniffed. "Medic, front and center." I turned to the group of soldiers and saw someone with a red cross band on his arm coming over. "Patch up his wing. And then see to my arm."

"Don't worry about me," I said. "My blood is not normal and I barely feel pain. I'll be fine."

The medic looked to Jessica. "Follow your orders, medic," she said.

He shrugged and turned to me. "On your knees, angel." I rolled my eyes and knelt down for him. I heard him digging through a medic bag before pulling something out. "This will sting." He sprayed something over my wing and I felt it start taking effect. "I would just use synthskin, but over feathers?" I felt an ungloved hand wrap around the top of the wing, holding it steady as a bandage rolled around it. "It'll do for now," he said before walking over to the girl. "Your arm?"

I stopped paying attention as I stood. I was instead watching a few troops escorting the three ponies out of the woods. Dash was on Fancy's back, presumably knocked clean out. They walked over to the transport. The lead solder saluted. "Blue one tried to fight, ma'am," he said before dropping the salute.

_Fucking Rainbow Dash._ "Is she still alive?" the woman asked.

"Yes ma'am. She should wake up some time later with a killer headache."

"Good. Everybody load up! We gotta get to the airship in twenty unless you feel like waiting out here in the boonies for twenty-three hours."

The soldiers quickly loaded up, forcing me and the ponies to the front of the transport. The four of us ended up stuck in the middle, all the other seats full. "What is going on?" Rarity hissed at me.

I was about to answer when that bitch spoke up, "No talking!" I rolled my eyes and did my best to brace myself as the truck picked up speed.

I didn't know where we were going or what we were doing. I saw my knives being passed around by the troops. I don't know if they were planning on keeping them as trophies or if they just wanted to look them over.

After nearly an hour, the back of the transport finally clanged open. The restraints on the troops lifted up and the ones near the back filed out. We were in the way of the others until bitchy mcbitcherson ordered us out. Dash still hadn't woken up, so Fancy Pants continued carrying her.

Everyone in the very large room was staring at us. The old man from before walked up to me. "Please, follow me," he said. "I know you have questions, but so do we. You can ask yours after we ask ours. Come."

I sighed and followed him, the ponies trailing after me and looking around at all of the strange sights. There were definitely plenty to see: Airships reminiscent of those from Halo, a number of troop transport ships, all kinds of computers and things like that, and a bunch of humans all watching us.

The old man led us into and down a hall. I was ushered into one room and the ponies into another. The old man went with me. Inside was a table and two chairs, an interrogation room if ever I'd seen one. "Sit, sit," he warmly said, taking the seat on the side of the room with the one-way window. I stiffly sat in the other chair. "In case you haven't figured it out yet, I am Doctor Anonymous, the man you are pretending to be." He grinned. "Well, you're a much younger version of me, at least. It's interesting. Why me, of anybody?"

"I'm not 'pretending' anything, doc. I'm you, if you are who you say you are. First crush, a girl named Katie Thomson. She said she liked you but you were too shy to tell her anything back. Second crush, another Katie. You lusted from a distance, still too shy. First username, nunchakunature, suggested by AoL because all the 'cool' names were taken. Password: dead babies. Social security:" I rattled a number off. "I can keep going, if you want."

He looked somewhat troubled. "I'm convinced. Either you're truly me or you're the enemy. And I don't think the enemy knows me that well just yet. Go ahead, convince me. Tell me your story."

I smiled.

"Now this is a story all about how

My life got spelled, thrown all around

And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there

I'll tell you how I became the knight to some mare.

In great ol' Texas, born and raised

Inside of my house, reclusing most of my days

Chilling out, maxing, doing nothing you see

And shooting some shit on my sly PC

When a damn unicorn, magicked up to my doom

She started playing magic in my living room

Got in one little spell and boy was I scared

She said "I've definitely got to show you to my master, the mare!"

When I was shown around, I've met a stranger

A Dark pony and powerful which screamed at me danger

I wasn't too bright and I was unprepared

For the nightly princess, a lunatic mare.

My body and mind was torn and reshaped

As I got yelled all around "Yo, Nav wanna rape?!"

Looked all around, now I'm stuck forever

To stand in my armor as the knight of some mare."


	75. Chapter Seventy-Three

**Chapter Seventy-Three**

There was silence in the room for a few long seconds. Finally he asked, "Did you just start singing?"

I shrugged. "It happens. Probably just some leftover magic working its way out of my system. That song is surprisingly accurate, though. I'm you from the middle of your senior year, with over four years of experience some time in the future."

He leaned back, smiling. "If you—I—went to the future in high school, how am I still here?"

"That is a very good question… If I had to guess, I'd say the spell that brought me to the future created a duplicate. Which would make us clones." I ruffled my feathers, grimacing as some were caught on the bandages. "I suppose if we're clones… Want to find out if it would be sex or masturbation?"

He narrowed his eyes. "I think I'd prefer finding out if it's suicide or murder." He sighed, rubbing at his eyes. "It's been a long few months. I don't think my wife would like me threatening something like you. I know my employers wouldn't. So let's say what you said is true. What's the future like?"

"There's one very big problem: There are no humans. Those ponies you captured appear to be the dominant life-form, but there are a number of other mythological races. Dragons, griffins, changelings, dog people, cat people, manticores, elementals, and so much more. I've found evidence of humans here and there, but no direct proof. The continents are arranged the same, but much of the land has been changed. Several cities exist that are near duplicates of human versions. Maris. Flankfurt. Canterlot. Barkelona. Catro." I sighed. "I don't know. I came back to tell my—our—family what happened to me, where I went and why I disappeared. I also wanted to see if it was possible to form a short link between the past and the future to bring some colonists back with me. Humanity is dead where I come from, doctor. And we died too soon."

"Now _that_ we can both agree on. Let me tell you some of our situation here… Navarone, is it? Two of us with the same strange and frankly terrible name are too many."

"Did our parents ever apologize for that?"

"They went to their graves feeling justified." I felt my fists clenching. "Navarone, we are beset by a terrible enemy. I assume you know of Google?" I nodded. "This facility was built by them. There is a… _thing_. I would call it a god if we didn't all know better by now. But this thing displays signs of magic, or miracles, or something like that. But it uses its powers for evil. Google started tracking it twenty years ago. Ten years ago this facility was built in silence and secrecy. Five years ago it was populated by survivalists, people who want to live when the world goes up in smoke and flame. This powerful entity takes over the positions of the high and mighty and causes chaos wherever it can. As soon as we noticed it, we started tracing historical trends. We were able to follow it down to the age of the gods, Navarone. Tell me, in your future does this thing exist?"

"No, of co—Wait." I remembered the images Flo showed me of the great chaotic monster. And then I remembered the name of the old king that Reginald and Chrysalis mentioned. "There _is_. But he was deposed." _Or was he?_ I thought back to my times in the garden in Canterlot, looking through the stone garden. I never really paid much attention to the statues there, but one caught my eye several times. And that one was the same one I dreamed about. "But… he's still alive. Somehow. He's been in my dreams, something called Discord."

"We've never found any name for him, but that one fits. So we failed… Well, if what you say is true, anyway. Let me see your injured wing."

I lowered it for him, holding it across the table. "Be careful with them," I warned. "They're sensitive."

"In what way?" he asked as he began unwrapping the bandage.

"In the way that you go to jail for molesting me."

"Then I will definitely be careful." He set the bandage aside and began probing around the area where I was shot. "Remarkable. She was using nonlethal rounds, but it shouldn't have healed so much and so quickly." He let me go and I pulled my wing back over. "Are your wings augmented?"

"My entire body is." I held up my left hand. "I lost a finger a year ago. Bitten off by something. My genetic code was crossed with that of a tree. My blood is sap. I heal quickly. Chop something off and it grows back. And a little over a year ago, all of my organs were melted with poison and grown back. Ever since then I wanted to see what I looked like on the inside, because I know it ain't human. During spring and summer I don't sleep and my hair is green."

"And just how is that possible?"

"Magic, doc. I ain't gotta explain shit. You want to know how magic works, ask the unicorns."

"They're being questioned as we speak. Tell me about Discord."

"I don't know much to tell. I met an elemental that claimed he got them all to go to war with each other, and then jumped in the middle and had a party. The god-rulers of the ponies and the changelings both confirm to have met him and implied that he ruled for some time before they came into power. A dragon I spoke to mentioned helping the ponies depose him. He has a statue in the capital of the pony kingdom and his body is all kinds of ugly. Fucking chimera, you know? The memory the elemental showed me of him… There are no words to describe it other than monstrous."

"Yeah, that's about right. You never thought to ask them more about him?"

I lifted an eyebrow. "You're asking me if I went out of my way to ask a fucking goddess about her greatest enemy and one of the few things that brings pain to her face at the mere mention?" He shrugged. "No. I never cared enough. I didn't even draw the connections until now. My mind was more fixated on not dying or getting raped. I swear, those things are fucking animals when it comes to sex."

"Well, you seemed to have done well for yourself. A knight, if that song was accurate."

"Yeah. A knight. To a goddess rapist that loves me. Funny how that works out."

"You know, when I was a senior in high school, I remember being willing to do almost anything to get laid…"

"As it turns out, we were wrong. It wasn't anything and it was _not_ worth it. Now, I'd prefer to find a different topic. When can I find some hot chicks? I've been dealing with fucking horses for four years too long. The cat lady and the dragoness were at least hot, but they were like drops of water in a desert."

He grinned. "Yeah, you are like me at that age. Speaking of which, how old are you, now?"

"...Shit, I don't even know. Twenty-two, maybe? I know I'm past old enough to drink. I got a lot of shitty pickup lines I want to get out of my system."

"Well, I can't promise you anything, but if you behave and cooperate, you'll probably be allowed into the general population. There are a few thousand people here. You won't be allowed to tell them there are no humans in the future, though. You got any more questions before we go to the biology department?"

"A few personal ones. How's Jane?"

"Our sister is doing well, last I heard. I tried to get her here, but she couldn't convince her husband to come. I might be able to convince her to come and visit, though."

"Please… If I can't see my parents, I can at least see my sister. What about you? What do you do?"

"Biomedical engineering is the shorthand version. You left before a long series of breakthroughs, some of which were in nanotechnology. There has been some very, very cool things happening. If the laws were gone, I'd be able to create entire species of animals by myself. I'll probably be one of the ones examining you and the three ponies."

"How the fuck did I go from computer science to biomedical engineering?"

He gave me a deadpan look. "You ever try finding a small error in five thousand lines of code? Fuck that. What about you, what do you do?"

"I'm a problem solver. The princesses get a problem, they come to me and I deal with that problem. It usually involves killing things."

"Sounds dangerous." He didn't seem that impressed.

"Yeah. So can we get on with the tests so I can go to getting shot down?"

"Sure." He knocked on the table twice and stood. "Come on." He led the way into the hall. I followed behind him, because what else was I supposed to do? Eventually, we got to an elevator of sorts. He pushed a button and we waited. "This place has over fifty floors," he explained. "Someone in Google played plenty of Dwarf Fortress before this place was built, because it is maximized for efficiency."

"I was meaning to ask about that, actually. How the hell did fucking Google do this? This is a military base with its own troops. How is this legal?"

"Navarone, money opens doors." And just like that, the elevator pinged open, revealing three people in lab coats, two chicks and a dude. Their eyebrows shot up when they saw me. Anon let himself inside and I followed. "Google can do this because no one will stop us. You can disguise just about anything as a business expense when you rack in enough money." And the elevator began its descent.

I turned to one of the women, an older looking chick but still a sight for sore eyes. "If I told you that you had a sexy body, would you hold it against me?"

Anon smacked me in the back of the head. "Don't mind him," he told the very surprised woman. The other two were snickering.

I looked at the other woman. "Baby, I may not be an angel but that won't stop me from taking you to heaven."

Anon face-palmed. "When did you become so shameless?" he sighed as the three of them struggled to hold back laughs.

"When that night goddess used her freaky powers to give everyone wet dreams about me. Shame goes away quickly when everyone you know has had very accurate dreams of fucking you." I looked to the first woman again. "Yes or no: If I were to ask you to have sex with me, would the answer to that be the same as to that of this question?"

She opened her mouth to respond but stopped. "…What?"

I grinned and turned to the other one. "Is that a mirror in your pants? Because I could see myself in them." And then to the other, "Hey, I think I remember you from heaven. Want me to take you home?" And to the other, "I can't spell fuck without u!"

She looked confused. "That one sounded more like an insult."

I shrugged. "Sorry. I have one chance to use these and by God I'm going to." I looked back to the other. "Nice shoes, wanna fuck? And, for the coup de grace…" I looked to the man and grinned. "Hey, from the looks of it, we both have bananas in our pockets. How's about we go back to my place and make sundaes out of them?" And there were four face palms, right as the elevator dinged open. I waved as Anon dragged me out. I said, "Call me!" just as the doors slid shut. "Nice people," I commented as he glared at me.

"You are just the worst," he sighed and began leading me away.

"Hey, I'm only you if things had been different. And I'm not really gay, I just wanted to fuck with that guy."

"Oh yes, you made that abundantly clear."

I chuckled as we walked. "Oh yeah, you're married, right? Would it be cheating if I—" He swung around and tried to backhand me, but I saw it coming and jumped back. "Old man, you do _not_ want to try to get in a fight with me. You may have security to back you up, but it might be too late by the time they get here."

"If I find out that you are flirting with my wife or my daughter, I am going to castrate you. And I'll find a way to make sure it doesn't grow back."

"Whoa now, I didn't say a thing about your daughter. She's technically mine too, so that would totally be incest. Also, she's a fucking bitch."

"And I suggest very strongly against calling my daughter a bitch. I'd hate to have to shoot you," he said while patting his pistol holster. His smile disappeared very quickly when he realized his holster was empty.

I grinned. "Missing something?" I sweetly asked. I had nabbed it when they were all face-palming. It was hidden under my shirt, in my waistband.

"You have exactly one chance to give me my gun before I call security. It only has six rounds and there are a lot more people here than that."

I grinned and pulled it out, taking a moment to study it. "This was my granddad's gun, wasn't it? I remember shooting this thing a few years ago. Kicks like crazy but fuck does it do damage. I assume if my parents are dead my grandparents are as well?" He nodded as I passed the revolver back. "Well, that fucking sucks. So much for my personal reasons for coming back. Maybe I can still talk to my sister, at least…"

"Maybe. Come on. And don't touch another gun without permission." I sighed and continued following him, jamming my hands in my pockets.

That was when I remembered that I had two pockets of gold. "Hey, what's the price of gold these days?"

"I don't know. Why?" I pulled out a pouch and tossed it to him. He hesitantly opened it before gaping. "Yeah, Equestria is on the gold standard and being the lackey of the princesses is lucrative." I pulled out the other pouch and tossed it to him as well. "That's pretty much all I have on me but clothes. Now let's keep moving."

He weighed them both in his hands before handing them back. "These aren't weapons. Do with them as you would." I slipped them into pockets and we kept moving. Finally, we got to some kind of med bay. "Pick a table and have a seat."

I picked one at random and hopped up. "So you getting a blood sample or something?"

"Something like that." He turned around with a rubber strap and an empty syringe. "Hold out your arm." I did and he tied the tourniquet around it, pulling it tight. He then felt around for a vein. "Christ your arms are skinny. Are they starving you?"

"No. I get most of my energy from the sun. I bet if you took a hair sample you would find that it has chlorophyll in it."

"I'll get one before letting you go, then." With no warning, he poked me with the needle. I barely felt a prick as he started to slowly pull blood out of me. "Ho. Lee. Fuck." He saw its color at that point, and probably that it wasn't acting like normal blood at all. "Well ain't that something."

"I told you. That isn't the only surprise I have, either."

"I can imagine. And I can't wait to find out more." He pulled the needle away from me and put a stopper on the top, blocking the sharp point. "I'll send this off to lab with some hair samples. I could also use stool and urine."

I shook my head. "Nope. Everything's recycled." I reached up and yanked out some hair for him. "Best I can do."

He took the hair and put it into some small jars. He took a second to write something on them before putting the needle and the jars into a box, opening a little pantry door and sliding them inside. He closed the door and pressed a button. "Now, let's take some x-rays. Take off your shirt and lay back on the table." I did so as he walked over to my table and pulled something off from the ceiling. It was a long cylinder with a glass pane in the center. "Things have gotten a bit more advanced since you left." He pressed a few buttons on the side of the cylinder and I heard a few clicks. "There. That should show us all the layers you got going on in there." He pushed the cylinder up. "Get dressed and come on over."

He walked over to a computer as I stood and put my shirt on. "So that's it?" I asked.

"Yep. Let's see." He pressed a few buttons on the keyboard and a series of pictures popped up on the screen. He pressed a number and what looked like organs popped up. "Well well…" Those were _not_ human organs. Those weren't even _organs_.

"What the blueberry fuck?"

"It's all connected," he whispered, looking it over. "Just a mass of tissue…" One of his hands went to my neck and I felt fingers where my jugular should be. He lifted his other hand up, one with a watch, and counted down time. "Three heartbeats per minute," he said. "Unbelievable. Whatever you are, kid, it ain't human. This… this is something else." He pressed another number on the keyboard and my bone structure showed up. "Similar. Ribs are closer together, forming a plate." He put a hand to my chest and ran it up and down. "No way in. That explains why you don't look that unhealthy, I suppose. What the fuck happened to do this?"

"I told you, my genetic code was mixed with that of a tree after I got burned so badly I almost died. I was on death's bed so the princesses gave me a tree's life essence to bring me back. For a while I was still mostly human, but then I got a poison that was so bad it melted my insides. With a mix of magic and biology I was able to recover. I have a fuckton of stamina, my nerve endings are deadened, and everything is recycled."

"And your eyes? Or the wings?"

"Different modifications. The wings were the result of a sphere of chaos spell that turned me into a pegasus. When I got turned back the wings stayed for some stupid fucking reason. The eyes were my gift of knighthood. It has been an interesting four years."

"I'll say." He checked his watch again. "It's about nightfall. I'll square away some rooms for you and your pony friends. There are cameras in your rooms. If you leave without permission, bad things happen. You may be given more freedom later, but for now the most trust we'll give you is leaving you relatively alone. There's a computer in each room that has a connection to the internal network of the bunker system, so feel free to browse that if you like. You should find every song written in the past five hundred years on there, as well as a number of games. But I suggest sleeping, because you're going to have a long and busy few days soon."

"Alright. And dude, tell your daughter I'm sorry for stabbing her."

"I will, if I see her." He pressed a few buttons on the computer and a security guy walked in. "Take Navarone to the high class confinement chambers. He and his friends will have permission to go between rooms, but if they leave their hall they are to be tracked down immediately."

"Yes sir. You, follow me." I shrugged and fell into step behind him. As I did, I realized that Anon didn't even put a fucking bandage on my arm where he took blood. I looked down at it and saw a pinprick of amber keeping any more blood from flowing out.

"So what's the future like?" I asked as we walked.

"The… future?"

"Yeah. Like, now. What's it like?"

"I don't understand. What do you mean?"

"Shit… How old are you?"

"Twenty."

I sighed. "Then I guess you're too young to answer the question. I got pulled out of this world thirty-five years ago. I was wondering what it was like."

"Well… for the most part it's nice. But there are hints of trouble, which is why we're here in this bunker. Someone obviously believed it was severe enough."

_Or Google finally turned evil and wanted to control a few thousand people._ "So what's it like working for Google?" I asked.

He shrugged. "I don't really know. I work for a private security firm hired out by Google. This place is admittedly very nice, and some of the equipment we get is top notch stuff that not even the military gets. It's not like I really do that much. I heard a military team was sent out today, but that doesn't happen often. I assume you are what they were sent to fetch?"

"Me and some friends, yes. I imagine the news will get out soon about us. I'm going to start wearing a fucking coat over these wings. Maybe then I can get laid."

He turned to look back at me. "You're joking, right? I bet you can get all kinds of tail with them things. More, if you don't mind taking it from behind."

"Which I do mind. Maybe I'll have some luck later."

He turned back. "One thing I do know changed from thirty years ago: Marriage is pretty rare. Most relationships are informal, so I imagine you'll have good luck."

"Well now, that's good to hear. Is there a bar or anything where people looking to get laid can go?"

"In the civilian sector, yes. You'll need permission to go there, though." Well, now I have a plan: Be good and get permission to go to a bar so I can get my dick wet in a human. "So if you disappeared thirty years ago, where did you go?"

"A mystical magical world full of fucking assholes. I got to fuck a dragon, though, so that was cool."

"You what, mate?" He was looking back at me in surprise.

"Yeah, dragons. I got to fuck a young one that was about six or seven feet tall. I gotta say, nothing makes you feel more like a man than making a sexy dragoness shoot fire out of her mouth while screaming your name."

He grinned. "Oh yeah, I'm getting some buddies together and you're going to tell us some stories."

"Bring alcohol." We got to the elevator and he pressed the up button.

"I'll see what I can do. Do they have that in magical asshole world?"

"Not much. Just what I made. And the griffins had some mead, but I didn't get much of that. What they did have, though, was some really high quality weed. Like, holy shit that stuff will get you blazed."

"Ooh, I don't suppose you brought any back?"

"Nope. You ain't seen nothing until you get a dragon and a physics defying pony high, though. They cleaned out an entire bakery." The elevator opened and we let ourselves inside. He pressed a button pretty high on the list and we started ascending. "It was a pretty interesting few years."

"What's your best story?"

I took a few seconds to think. "Probably either the war games I had with the ponies or the time I shut down a crime organization in thirty minutes. For the first one, all you need to know is that the races in this place are technologically backwards. Their primary mode of fighting is line-to-line charge." I gave him an evil smile. "I introduced guerrilla warfare. Normally the 'games' last over a week. I finished them in three days with twenty casualties. The enemy surrendered with less than a hundred troops left."

"Well now, that don't hardly seem fair."

"All's fair in war. Not in love, though, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Last time I thought that, I got stabbed in the chest with a fucking horn."

The elevator pinged and the door opened. "You got what?" he asked as he led the way out.

"Stabbed in the chest. There are magic-using unicorns in that world. I fell in love with one that was sadistic and apparently got off to torture. I didn't realize that. Bad things happened."

"Yeah, I can imagine. So… magic?"

"Yep. They can and will use it to throw your ass around, too. Yeah, I'm glad to be back."

"I think I understand." He stopped next to a door and knocked on it. When there was no answer he pushed it open. "This is where you'll be staying. I don't know much about the arrangements the doc'll be making, but you'll be restricted to this room and three around it, one for each of your friends. I imagine you'll get more freedom later. And every one of these rooms is monitored, as well as the hall. Security can be here in less than a minute. Any questions?"

"When will the others get here?" He shrugged. "When and where can I eat?"

"Food can be brought here or you can go to the dining hall. You can find a map on the computers, but I imagine you'll be escorted wherever you want to go until you earn some trust."

"Awesome. What's your name?"

"Aaron."

I held out my hand. "Navarone." He shook it. "I'm going to bed. Thanks for showing me here."

"You got it. Talk to you later." He walked back to the elevator and I stepped inside my new chamber, closing the door behind me. It was… bare. A bed, a desk with a very strange looking computer, a dresser, and a door that led further in.

I checked out the door and found a bathroom. I poked around in the dresser and found… a bunch of girl clothes. "What." I just shook my head and closed the panty drawer before walking over to the desk and sitting in their chair. I went through the drawers and found a roll of mints and an old fashioned tape recorder with no tapes. "Why would this even be in here?" I dropped it back in and pressed what I was hoping was the power button on the computer.

The screen immediately loaded. 'Google OS v.3.7' popped up. "Fucking really?" After about two seconds, the entire thing was loaded and ready to go. "Well, can't fault it for being slow." I pulled out the keyboard attachment to find a standard keyboard and mouse. "I was hoping for something more advanced, but why fix what ain't broke?" I checked the system tray for anything and saw a few monitoring programs that I knew I couldn't disable. I also saw something disgusting: Touch screen. I turned that shit off immediately. And then I double clicked on the icon for Google Chrome.

'Access Denied.'

"Well fuck you too." I hit cancel and went to the start bar equivalent. A list of files popped up. I clicked on the one that said games. That gave me a list of genres. I felt a smile forming on my face before I shook my head. "I didn't travel several million years in the past to play STALKER." I went back to the start list and looked through it before yawning. "Fucking… winter." I shut the computer down, kicked off my shoes, locked the door, and fell into bed.

I quickly realized I had a pouch of gold in both pockets and threw them onto the floor before sleep claimed me.

I woke up feeling… off. I was used to having Flo bringing me to the glade when I slept. I didn't have any dreams at all, this time.

And then Dash pushed me off my bed. "Wake _up_!"

I jerked up. "Christ! What the fuck do you want, woman?"

"About time, Nav! I've only been trying to wake you up for five minutes."

"Unless it's a fucking emergency, don't ever wake me up. My body requires sleep during winter and I have no choice about getting it. Now what do you need?"

"Do you really need to ask that? What the buck is going on!? Where are we?"

"How the fuck should I know? I'm a prisoner just as much as you are. Where's Fancy and Rarity?"

"I don't know, dude. I just woke up a few minutes ago with a killer headache. There was a group of humans in some strange armor standing outside my door. They warned me that going anywhere that wasn't your room would be a bad idea. I say we break outta here and find Rarity and Fancy and then make our escape!"

"No. That is exactly the opposite of what we'll be doing. Maybe you don't remember, Dash, but you got your ass kicked last night. That was with nonlethal bullets. Lethal bullets will be considerably more lethal. And in case you weren't aware, there are cameras in this room that are watching us and recording what we say. As soon as we make a run for it security will be all over us. We aren't going anywhere."

"Then what do we do?! We can't just sit here and let them do whatever they want to us!"

"There ain't nothing else we can do." I walked over to the computer and turned it on. "You have movie theaters in Equestria, right?"

"Psh, yeah. But what does that have to do with anything?"

I sat down and opened up the movie folder. From there I went to the action folder and did a search for Indiana Jones. "You're gonna fucking love this shit." I opened the first movie up, turned up the volume, full screened it, and sat on the bed. "We can't do shit, Dash. Just sit down and watch the movie."

"Nav, this feels… wrong. What if they're being hurt?"

"Then there's nothing we can do about it. Sit." I patted the spot next to me. She bit her lip and looked at the door before sighing and hopping on the bed. "Alright. You remember Daring Do? Yeah, this is the original version of that."

"_Original?_ Psh, Daring Do came before whatever this is."

"Dash, we just went several million years in the past. Trust me, this came first. Now shut up and watch the movie."

She rolled her eyes and did.

Twenty minutes later she was fucking hooked. She didn't even look up when my door opened.

I did, though. Two armed guards stood there. "Navarone, you need to come with us," one of them said. "You're going to be gone for a while, I imagine."

I sighed and walked to the computer, pausing the movie. "Hey!" I added the other two—not the shitty fourth one—to the playlist before starting it again. Then I followed the guards out.

"So, what's on today's agenda?" I asked as they led me down the hall.

"No clue," one answered. "No one tells the grunts anything. All I know is that we're going to an interview room."

"Interview or interrogate?" I asked.

"Interview. Depending on some answers it might turn into an interrogation room."

"I just can't win, can I?"

The guy that was behind me grabbed the tip of my wing and jerked it. "Looks like you already did, if you ended up with these." I quickly determined that this was not, in fact, a guy.

I grinned and bopped her with a wing. "Keep playing with them if you want." I knew what skilled hands could do to someone with wings.

"I always did like birds," she said, putting both hands on one of them. I felt her fingers tweaking at my feathers and running through them ever so gently. I definitely didn't want her to stop, but she let it go when we got to the elevator. I just sighed as we began to sink into the depths.

"So what's flying like?" the guy asked me.

"It was awesome the first few times I did it," I answered. "And every time you can get into a good dive it's just amazing. One time I was able to jump off the side of a castle built into a mountain and fell for probably a mile before pulling out of it. Now _that_ was an excellent flight. I don't think they'll work while I'm here, though."

The girl's hand went back to my wing. "If they do, let me know," she said, stroking it.

"You got it." _Maybe Aaron was right._ I couldn't see this chick under her helmet, but honestly I didn't really care about looks right now. After getting back from fucking horses, it matters much less what a person looks like.

She continued unknowingly molesting me until the elevator doors pinged open. She took the lead and we started walking. _Yep, she's got a nice ass_. She led me right to an interview room and said, "Wait here." She went in and closed the door behind her. A second later it opened. "Come in." I walked in and found myself sitting on the other side of the table with my daughter standing at his back.

Man, this can get really confusing. Anon was sitting at the table with what I assumed was his daughter behind him, glaring at me.

"Sit, sit," he said, waving at the other chair. I walked over and sat down. "Didn't feel like wearing shoes?" he asked with a smile.

I shrugged. "Not like I'm going outside any time soon. Jessica, I assume?" She stiffly nodded. "Sorry for stabbing you."

"That's nice," she said in an unfriendly tone.

Anon cleared his throat. "That's no way to behave around guests, dear. Guard, would you mind bringing us some coffee?"

"Yes sir." My nice guard left, closing the door behind her.

My older self put his hands on the table, steepling them. "Navarone, we ran tests on your blood. Do you know what we found?"

"If I had to guess, I'd say that it wasn't blood."

"We found trace amounts of nanomachines. Tell me, how is this possible if you left thirty-five years ago?"

"What the fu—Oh. That makes some sense… That makes a _lot_ of sense. Do you remember yesterday when I told you about meeting an elemental?" He nodded. "She put part of herself into me." If you know what I mean. "That might have been what you picked up. She warned me about that before I left, that you might find something odd in my blood."

"Navarone, the machines in your blood are more advanced than anything anyone in my team has ever seen. If I had to guess, these were post-singularity machines. This elemental, was she a robot?"

I shrugged. "Fuck if I know. She looked and felt like water. I don't know what to tell you, doc."

"Young man, do you use that head for anything other than lust and violence?"

"This is not a road you want to go down, old man. Don't patronize me."

He rolled his eyes. "Kids these days…" I was beginning to get angry. "Since you have nanomachines in your system, the task of telling your story will be much easier. Jessica, the device?"

She put something on the table and slid it at me. "Put this next to your ear and press the button."

I picked up the cylinder and ran it through my fingers, examining it. "What is this?" I asked.

Anon answered, "It's a memory module. It sends a message to the nanomachines in your body and requests certain information. This one is set up to take memories from up to five years."

I put it up to my ear and pressed the button. A few seconds later I felt something strange happening in that ear, but I didn't move. When the machine beeped, the strange sensation went away and I put the device back down on the table.

"Now what?" I asked.

The guard stepped in with a few mugs and a pot of coffee. She set them down on the table. "Anything else, sir?" she asked.

"See to it that the memory module gets to the CS department," he said. "They'll know what to do with it." She nodded and left, letting the door close again. Anon reached over and began pouring coffee. "Tell me about the world you come from, Navarone."

"Dude, this _is_ the world I come from." He rolled his eyes and I grinned. "The atmosphere is different, but I don't know if it's lethal for a human. Everything speaks the same language somehow. Before we left, we got spells put on us to make sure we could speak whatever language was here and that we wouldn't die from the different atmosphere. The ponies are ruled over by two goddess princesses who claim to be able to move the sun and moon. This is the weird part: They actually _can_ move the planet. The two of them are, for the most part, benevolent tyrants and they demand and accept no worship, only love and respect. While they plot to keep every other nation weak and friendless, of course. The griffins are working to form a parliamentary government out of a kingdom, inspired by me. I haven't been to the dog country yet, but I've heard they have a business oriented nation and are ruled by a CEO. The changelings are ruled by an immortal queen, like the ponies. They're weak and live mostly in squalor, but Christ can they do damage if you get them riled. The cats have a standard dictator-style kingdom. I helped lead a slave revolt there that installed a friendly general as the new king."

"And the elementals?" he asked, having poured coffee for himself and his daughter.

"Not a power at all. Those few that survived Discord's war are either trapped or in hiding, but not for much longer. The dragons and naga are non-issues, as neither really have much care for politics. The dragons do have a country, but I haven't been to it. Mostly, they're nomadic and solitary. The naga are split into clans all over the place and act as mercenaries for whoever has the coin to pay them."

"You said not for much longer. What's going on with the elementals?"

I grinned widely. "I found one that was trapped. She can lead me to others, who can in turn lead me to others. If I can get all of the water elementals out, they can lead me to the fire and earth elementals. And once I free them all, I'll probably have the most powerful force of nature on my side that their world has seen in millennia."

"So if we could send our people anywhere, where would you suggest us to go?"

I leaned back and closed my eyes, thinking. "That… depends," I finally said. "Which would be higher priority? Being independent or rebuilding the population? If you stayed with the ponies you would be very well treated slaves for Celestia—probably. I imagine that would be her price for letting the humans live in her lands. And when she takes an oath of fealty, she uses magic to ensure that oath is fulfilled. However, Equestria is the most industrious nation and would allow you to get on your feet faster. They're also working on building electricity after I told them about it. But if you went to the griffins, I can almost guarantee you independence and full citizenship. But most of them live in fucking trees, giant roosts."

"What if we wanted to strike out on our own? Rebuild from scratch?"

"Don't. I don't have the entire world explored yet, but from what I've seen the only unpopulated places are like that for a reason. You remember that shitty space opera Dune? I've read a bestiary. Those giant worms exist in some places in that world, though I don't think they're as big as they were in the movie. That should tell you what kind of place this is. Although…" I closed my eyes, trying to think of some safe place. "Wait… I need to see a map. Where is this facility located?"

"The United States," he answered. "Why?"

"What state?"

"Colorado."

My mouth dropped. "This… this place still exists. Damaged and open to the elements, but it's there. Heavily guarded, though."

"I am not a fan of living underground," Jessica said. "But it would be very important to check it out. There is no telling what information might be inside if it does still exist."

"Technology level?" he asked.

"Almost all the tech they have runs off magic. I taught the ponies and the changelings how to use electricity and the two races are currently in a research war, trying to outdo the other. As far as I know, the changelings are winning. Aside from those two races, no one else has magic and they all have no tech. I think."

"Living conditions?"

"All over the fucking place. Ponies in Equestria don't go hungry, though. They all have a special talent that determines their lot in life. Changelings lived in total darkness the last time I was in a hive. They had a few electrical lights, but the rest of their caves are dark. Before the treaty they were mostly starving, but I came up with a solution that got them all fed, so they're much better off. Griffins are mostly alright. Don't know about dogs or dragons. Naga are good. Cats are… well, imagine Egypt back before Europe showed up."

"Economy?"

I shrugged. "I'm rich enough to house and feed an army for a while. I don't know how the rest of it is doing. Most of the known world is on the gold standard, I think, though bartering and performing services for goods is possible."

"Demographics?"

"…Meaning?"

"Where's most of the population at? And what kind of numbers are we seeing?"

"Population seems evenly spread. Get a population map of the world today and it would be about the same, I'd imagine. The only difference is that there is considerably less of everything there. Their idea of a big city is ten thousand."

"Race numbers, then?"

"Ponies make up the largest group, I think. As far as I can tell they're split fairly evenly among unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies, which are just smaller versions of horses. If I had to guess, griffins or changelings make up the second one. Then dogs, then cats. I honestly don't know, though."

"Crime?"

I snorted. "Practically nonexistent in the mainland. Go over to Europe or Africa and it's a totally different story. I took down one fucker named the dog father—no shit, that was his name. He ran about half of the crime in the known world, so things have died down some. Given that two of the consequences for breaking the law are becoming a food source for the changelings and going to a real living hell, most people are apt to stay legal."

"A living hell?"

"You are going to crack up at this. Celestia built a place called Tartarus, linked up a few portals to it, and made it a maximum security prison. Here's the kicker: She used the entire island of Australia to do it." They both smirked at that.

"If we wanted to get accepted quickly, what would we bring?"

"Technology. Ways of generating electricity. And for the love of God, bring weapons. Outside of major population zones, this world is feral. Giant ants, cockatrices, manticores, wolves made of wood… This world is not a vacation zone. Also, bring exotic foods and ways to plant them, because they sure as hell don't have coffee." Though looking at Pinkie, that might be a good thing.

"Do you think we can do a good business trading weapons?"

"Yes. But you absolutely shouldn't. If we get people there, humanity is going to be a very small fraction of the population, I imagine just a few hundred or thousand. You'll need all the advantages you can get. Most of the ponies are friendly and would probably happily welcome more humans with my reputation. But not everyone would."

"And what of you, Navarone? If humans came into this world, what would _you_ do?"

"Same as always. Little would change for me, I imagine. I'm not human and I imagine I can't breed with any humans—though trust me, that won't stop me from trying. I'd have no responsibilities to the race past giving you a second chance."

"You say you have a reputation. If you represented us, would that not give us a better hearing?"

"Oh, most assuredly. But why should I help you? You said it yourself, doc: I'm not human. You lock me up and take away two of my friends. You threaten me and take away my weapons. What incentive would I have to help you?"

"Young man, this is the future of a _race._ You are talking about us being completely extinct. Is it so much to ask that you help us get situated?"

"I am offering you a second chance at _life_. Is it a crime that I don't go the whole nine yards and deliver you the good life on a silver platter? I built what I have now in four years of slavery, doing the bidding of a princess that threatened to throw my ass in jail and lose the key. If you don't like it, as far as I'm concerned you're welcome to stay in the past and fucking die."

He narrowed his eyes. "Let's make it worth your while, then. What do you want?"

"For one, freedom. I won't hurt anyone here. Two: When I leave I want weapons and gear. I'm tired of using a crossbow and a sword. I'll also want a solar powered laptop with as much information as you can get on it. And finally, I want it known that I can't promise anything. I do not know how I will return home. For all I know, one day I'll just disappear and be millions of years in the future. If that is the case I will try to get back here and get a stable portal or something." I absolutely love having a good poker face.

"I will see what I can do," he said, leaning back. And he bought it. "I'm just a scientist, though. I can't make any promises either."

I shrugged. "Good enough for now. Oh, and if you're torturing Rarity and Fancy Pants, I suggest you stop. Celestia would not be pleased to know you're hurting her subjects."

"We aren't hurting them," he said. "We're just trying to study their magic. We would be studying your blue friend, if she had any kind of useful magic. The two unicorns will be released before the day is out, I believe."

"Well, you can keep Rarity if you want. Fancy Pants is cool, though. I want to go bar hopping with that guy and get him trashed on cheap booze."

"You will not be getting anything that has the potential for magic drunk. I don't care if they can't currently do anything, I will not risk it."

"Bah, you old guys are no fun. It can wait, I guess. So what now?"

"Now we process your memories. You'll be confined to your quarters and that area until we do."

"Now when you say process, what exactly does that mean?"

"We go through them. Since it'll be over such a long period, we'll have a large group of processors running through it all to weed out the important parts. Then a few people will watch through them and make sure you aren't completely dangerous."

_I did _not_ sign on for that!_ I was tempted to reach across the table and smack a bitch, but I figured that would end poorly. Jessica was looking at me like she just wanted an excuse to fly off the handle. So instead I grinned. "Make sure there's no one underage watching them. They'll see quite a few things they probably shouldn't."

"Our staff is full of professionals," he answered. "Jessica, show Navarone back to his room, please."

"Must I, father?" she sadly asked.

"Yes. And please, try to get along. I do not want the head of security butting heads with a mostly innocent guest. If it makes you feel any better, he is honestly rather similar to me when I was his age."

"It doesn't," she answered. "You, come."

I shrugged and followed her out of the room. I had a number of questions I wanted to ask her, but I figured I would be a lot safer not saying a word. To that end, we got all the way back to my room in silence. I let myself back in without a word being passed between us.

Dash was still chilling on my bed, doing her best to pop her eyes out of her head to attach them to the screen. I was about to take a shower when I realized that I didn't have any clothes. Instead, I joined Dash and we watched Indie save the world from Nazis.

The credits started rolling and Dash finally looked away from the screen. "Dude, that was awesome! They need to make movies about Daring now!"

"That ain't all," I said. "Want to watch the other two?"

"You bet I do!" And that's when I heard a rumbling that sounded like it was coming from her. "…But do you think we can eat first?"

"I was wondering about that," I said as I walked over to the computer and paused the movies. "I was told we'd either be given food or we'd be escorted to a dining hall. I'm not hungry yet, but if someone can make me some chicken marsala I would love them forever."

"I don't know what that is, but I'm hungry enough to try to eat meat. I say we start walking and see what happens."

We both jumped as an intercom crackled and a voice said, "If you two are hungry, tell me what you want and I'll get word down to the kitchens." It sounded like some nerdy dude.

Dash was looking every which way. "Who's there?!" she demanded.

"Dash, chill. It's just an intercom. Dude, if you can get me chicken marsala with extra mushrooms and wine, maybe with a bit of pasta or something, that would be super. Dash, what are you hungry for?"

She picked a random stretch of the wall and said in a rather hostile voice, "How can I trust you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because," I said, "if they wanted to kill us they wouldn't use poison, they'd use a bullet. Now come on, give him an order."

She sighed. "Fine… Nav, what's something good?"

"She wants a stack of blueberry pancakes and grits," I said.

"I'll do what I can," the intercom said. "No promises about the marsala. It's still pretty early."

The intercom turned off. _Well, I can hope._ "Back to the marathon?" I asked.

She shrugged. "I guess."

And so we went back to Indiana Jones until our food got to us.

When it did, it was wheeled in under a cover by a real beauty. "I hope I do no interrupt," she happily said. _Oh my God she has a Swedish accent. I think I just came._ "You are zee angel, yes?"

"I'm Navarone, ma'am," I said, standing up. "And I hope you're not offended, but you are one of the most beautiful women I've seen in over four years."

She grinned, a small blush on her face. "Zank you, Navarone. I believe zee request was for zee chicken marsala and pancakes, yes?"

"Yep." I was alternating my looks between her beautiful face and the tray.

"Vell, it was hard to convince my manager, but I got him to agree to make your order so early." She pulled the cover off the tray and revealed my desires. Well, _some_ of my desires.

I looked up to her, a smile transfixed on my face. "I love you. If I wasn't in such a hurry to eat this marvelous meal, I would offer to take you to heaven and beyond, if you were interested."

Her smile deepened. "I might find you later, zen. But I vould not vant to make your… friend jealous." She looked behind me at Dash. "So zis is one of ze ponies ve have heard about?"

Dash hopped down from the bed. "Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in Equestria!" Her wings were spread, presumably to show off.

"Ooooh, they _do_ talk! A winged horse… Zat eats pancakes! It is nice to meet you, Miss Dash."

"You never did give us your name, Beautiful," I said.

"Cecilia. I vill leave you two to eat. If you are ever interested in meeting me, I can be found in ze kitchens. Or you can request me from the intercom."

"You got it, Cici," I said with a smile. With a small bow for the two of us, she left. I got a nice view of her ass as she walked out, too.

I looked over at Dash, who was giving me a deadpan stare. "Really, dude?" she sighed.

"Hey, I have exactly one shot to get laid by a human chick. If this spell wears off before I can get laid I will be so fucking pissed. The least you can do is be a good wingmare for me, Dash."

"Hey, it's my only chance to get laid by a real human mare too! I've heard stories about those hands of yours, and I'd love to try them out!" I slowly smirked as she realized what she had said and a blush grew on her face. "You know what I mean! Let's just eat!"

"You got it, Dashie. I know I wouldn't mind…" I looked at a certain part of her. "…_eating_."

"You're terrible."

My smirk turned into a grin and I grabbed her bowl of grits and her pancakes and set them on the bed for her. "You better not make a mess," I warned as I grabbed my plate. "If you ruin my sheets we can swap rooms." Thankfully, I was provided with a fork and knife. There was also a nice bottle of wine to go with it, presumably because I asked for 'extra wine.' I took it as well and sat back on the bed. "We might be prisoners, but at least we're well-treated prisoners," I said, eating some of the bitchin' fettuccini I got.

"Nav, this movie is really violent…"

"Mmm? Oh yeah, Temple of Doom is pretty fucked up. None of it's real. If it's a problem, though, I can find something else. Treasure Planet might be right up your alley."

"No! I can handle it!"

"You better not throw up when he rips out a heart."

"Well gee Nav, thanks for ruining it." I rolled my eyes and went back to eating.

When that movie finished I was starting to get a little worried. Rarity and Fancy should have been back by then. I decided to give it the length of the third movie before asking the intercom guy.

With the final movie in the trilogy was finished and there was still no sign of them, I decided to ask, "Yo intercom guy, you there?"

A few seconds later it crackled to life. "Yeah. What do you need?"

"Where are the two unicorns?"

"No clue. I'll look around, see if I can't find them. Give me a minute."

The intercom died as Dash and I shared a look. She said, "Dude, what if they're being hurt?"

"If they're hurt humanity is dead," I answered.

"Well that's ominous," she muttered, lying down on the bed.

The intercom kicked back on and said, "Looks like they're on the way back, but I can't tell for sure. They're definitely being moved. I got a question for you, wing dude: How did you get Cecilia so easily? I've been going after her for months!"

"Dude, I'm a massive whore. You just gotta know the right words and have the right body language."

Whoever was there just sighed as the intercom cut off.

I turned back to find Dash poking the computer screen with a hoof. "How does this thing work, anyway?" she asked.

"Fuck if I know. Stop poking it."

"Psh. How do you not know how it works? Isn't this some crazy human technology you kept going on about?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I understand it. You don't understand how magic works but you still use it to fly. Now, you want to keep watching movies or what?"

"Let's wait for Rarity and Fancy Pants."

I shrugged and walked over to the computer, sitting down in the chair. I closed the movie thing, cutting off the credits. "Let's see…" I opened up the music tab and did a quick search for Crossfade. It didn't take me long to find So Far Away. "It has been four years too long," I said as I opened it up.

I smiled and leaned back as it played, closing my eyes and just listening. When it finished, I sighed, happy to hear good music again. Or at least, what I considered good music. Ponies are occasionally good at what they do, but usually I'm not a fan.

"Nav, what _was_ that?"

"Music," I answered with a grin. "Crossfade. Like it?"

"No, the _lyrics_. That's so… depressing!"

I was about to say something when my door opened and our two unicorn friends walked in. Rarity looked exhausted and Fancy Pants didn't look much better.

Dash's wings shot out and she leaned forward, only to fall flat on her face when she didn't go into the air. I assumed she was trying to fly, but failed rather miserably. She was back on her feet almost immediately.

"No no," Rarity said, her voice a croak. "Don't trouble yourself on my account!" She walked over to the bed and collapsed onto it. "Oh, it feels good to have a bed…"

Fancy followed her in, but managed not to collapse as Rarity had. "Navarone, you humans are very persistent."

I sighed, looking back at the computer. "It's not 'you humans' anymore…"

"What ever do you mean, old boy?"

"I got disowned." I looked back at him. "I assume they spent all night questioning you?"

Rarity seemed to be sleeping. Dash was giving me an odd look. Fancy nodded. "Spot on," he said. "A mix of questions and 'tests.' They weren't entirely unpleasant, but they were unrelenting."

I nodded. "Get some sleep, mate. You probably need it. I don't know which of these rooms is yours. I assume you can just pick one that isn't taken."

"I'm to the right," Dash said."

"I shall let Rarity have the left, then. I will be two doors down on the left." He looked at the full bottle on the cart. "What is that?"

"Bottle of wine. I was saving it for the reunion, but that seems to have gone to shit. Might as well open it now." I pushed myself out of the chair and grabbed it, popping the top. "Here's to the future," I said, lifting the bottle a little before taking a nice draught. "Fuck I missed the good things in life," I sighed as I pulled the bottle away, passing it to Fancy.

He shrugged and took it, knocking a good amount of it back. He didn't seem to care for the taste. "Strong," he said, scrunching his face in distaste as he passed it to Dash.

She took it and finished the bottle off. _Fucking ponies, drinking all my booze._ "Not bad. About on par with the first stuff you had me drink. Much weaker, though." She set the bottle back on the cart.

I shrugged. "Go on to bed, Fancy. I can brief you all when you and Rarity are better rested."

"Very well. I will see the three of you later, then."

"Told you they'd be fine," I said as he walked out, the door closing behind him. I turned back to the computer before I was grabbed from behind.

"I'm more worried about you, Nav," Dash said. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged her off and sat down, spinning around to face her. "Dash, we're being treated much better than I expected we would be. Don't get me wrong: I'm fucking livid that we got caught and that the three of you came with me. But all things considered, it's going much better than expected. That said, several things are wrong." I sighed, looking away. "Too many things. I need time to think. Time I might not have." I looked back at her. "What kind of movie do you want to watch next? I'll set it up and sit out in the hall while you watch it and Rarity."

She shook her head. "You need a friend right now, Nav. You aren't going anywhere."

I leaned back in the chair. I knew she was right, but I really didn't want to talk it over with her. "Dash, some of this shit is pretty heavy. Are you sure you want to talk about it?"

"Absolutely. I'm not letting you deal with this alone."

"Dash, my parents are dead. Grandparents, dead. All this time, I was hoping to be able to tell them something, anything. Tell them what happened, why I disappeared…" I sighed, unable to look at her. "But I never disappeared, Dash. I met myself. I met myself, and he never disappeared. Where I went way into the future, he stayed behind. He lived the life I should have had." I looked at her, now. "What does that make me? Am I a clone? A construct animated by and for magic? What the hell kind of monstrosity did Twilight make when she summoned me? I think, I feel. I know I'm real. But I know the other me is real, too. And I know he's the one that should exist, not me. I'm a mistake. A fluke, torn from time and thrown into a land where I don't belong. By the time I was able to return home, I found I was too marred and disfigured for humanity." I shook my head. "I'm not one of them anymore, not physically and probably not mentally. So I'm no longer Anonymous the human. I'm Navarone the forsaken. And that… That is just the beginning of my problems, Dash. We come from the future, you realize that, right? _Where are the humans?_ What killed them? How far in the future do we come from? And the most important question of all: Are they worth saving? If it's possible to save them, the entire weight of the human race is on my shoulders. If they're possible to save, should we? If we should, how? If we do, how do we keep them alive?" I sighed, rubbing at my eyes with my palms. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what I am. Too much hit me in too little time."

I looked down when I felt a hoof on my knee. "Nav, you may not be a pony, but you know you're one of us. You're not forsaken. You're Sir Navarone, knight of Equestria. You have a home with us. And does it really matter what kills the humans? They die, Nav. We can't change that. What we can change is if any live. Ultimately, it's up to the princess, but if they all end up as cool as you are, there's no way she won't let them live in Equestria. You need to relax, Nav. You're finally home, even if it's not like you expected. You can worry about all of this later. For now, we need to think about getting us both laid."

None of what she said made me feel better at all. It probably would help a pony, but I was well beyond that level of innocence now. I smiled anyway, hoping to put her at ease. "True. I'll show you the glory of bar hopping later, once they let us out of these rooms." Of course, I had never been in a human bar, but she didn't have to know that. I was hoping I could just wing it. Heh, because I have wi—Fuck you.

She gave me a sad smile that told me she didn't buy it, but said, "Sounds good. What do you want to do until then?"

I started thinking about movies that Rainbow Dash would like. A dark grin blighted my face and I whirled around, opening the movie folder. I did a search for The Room. "…Why is there a text file here?"

I opened it up. 'You ought to be ashamed of even thinking about watching this movie.'

"Well… at least it's honest," I said, closing the file. I shrugged and searched for The Hangover. I had no problems getting it up and running. With some liberal application of getting Dash to shove Rarity over, the two of us took our spots back on the bed.

"The one problem I have with your movies is that it takes so long to get to the good stuff," Dash sighed.

"Well, unless you want to watch porn we're stuck with this."

"…What's porn?"

I tousled her hair. "Don't you worry about it. Let's just watch the movie." She grumbled and settled down.

When that one finally finished, it was near four. Rarity was curled up in a ball behind us and I was using her as a pillow. Dash ended up really getting into the movie, though she wasn't a fan of the part where the guy ripped out his tooth. She calmed down some when I explained he was naturally like that, and that the original tooth was just a prop.

Fancy Pants entered our room while I was thinking of a new movie for us to start watching. "Well, Navarone?" he asked. "Is Miss Rarity back with us?"

"Nope," I answered, poking at my pillow. "She seems pretty out of it."

"If you would be so kind as to wake her, I believe now would be a good time for you to fill us in on what exactly is going on."

I shrugged and hopped off the bed. I pushed Rarity onto her back and unballed her before leaning in and blowing a raspberry on her tummy. She woke up squealing and pushing my head away.

"There, she's awake," I said, quickly backing away from her before her rage got the better of her. I sat on my kickass spinny chair and leaned back. "Alright. Rarity, you good?"

She was glaring at me. "Was that really necessary, Navarone?"

"Nope. I need answers, now. Rarity, Fancy Pants, can either of you do magic?"

They both shook their heads. Fancy said, "I think I know why. The spell the unicorns cast, it was not made for other unicorns in mind. It is possible that we will be unable to use magic until the spell wears off and we return home."

I nodded. "Decent enough theory. The why isn't important, though. That you can't, is. It limits our options and our bargaining position. To put a long story short, we're in an underground base run by a private corporation for the purpose of surviving an incoming apocalypse. I'm not explaining it because it's not important. They know they're fucked, so at this point the main goal is to save as many people as possible. To that end, they want to know if it's possible to send colonists to the future. That gives us enough of a position, I think. We'll be getting a number of freedoms soon, depending on how well we behave. Unfortunately, we'll still be trapped underground. Not so unfortunately, there is apparently some kind of city in the levels above us. I have no idea how long we'll be here. The time guy said a week, but with their spell fucked up like it is, there is no telling how long we'll be here. As for human society, follow the laws of Equestria, use your common sense, and don't take anything anyone offers you. Trust only when you have to. Any questions?"

"Why are you so paranoid, Nav?" Dash asked.

"Because I haven't seen the city yet," I answered. "I might change my tune once I go through it. But until I do I'll assume it's like the place I grew up in. I would tell you not to go in alone, but I don't feel like escorting any of you around for the entire time we're here. Rarity, you'll probably want to check out the fashion scene. Almost every single human wears clothing, so there's a lot to look at. Fancy Pants, there might be some proper gentleman's clubs out there. If I find any I'll let you know. Dash, if this place is anything like the future should be, we'll find some incredible parties out there. That reminds me…" I hopped up and walked over to the two gold sacks. "I came here with bits. Equestria is on the gold standard. Earth is not. These two bags are worth… shit, probably over a hundred thousand dollars. I'll do my best to get it converted into local currency, if there is any." I sat back down. "Any other questions?"

"I have one," Rarity asked. "How are they going to take… us? How will the other humans treat us?"

I shrugged. "No clue. We will definitely get stares. A lot can change in thirty-five years. And I imagine Google wouldn't pick just anybody to save from the world dying. We should hopefully be fine."

"Why are you so short?" Dash asked.

"Fuck you," I said by way of answer. "Any other questions?"

Fancy Pants nodded. "As much as I respect your desire to enjoy the hospitality of the humans, should we not make an attempt to escape? We are prisoners, after all."

"No. Intercom guy, you there?"

It crackled to life. "Yep. Gotta say, it's interesting watching you go through all this. The three ponies should be fine, just watch out for little girls that want to pet you and little boys that want to ride you. You'll get stares, but you hopefully won't be harassed. Navarone will get propositions from just about everyone that draws breath." _Score_.

"Thanks, bro. You can fade back into the background." The intercom clicked once before shutting off. "To answer your question, we're being watched every hour of every day. The minute we overstep our bounds, security will be all over us. And I believe you saw how well Dash fared against them. Just chill, man. Anything else?"

We all heard a rather loud rumble coming from Rarity. She blushed, smiling sheepishly. "When and where can we eat?" she asked.

"Presumably whenever. Dash, Fancy, you two hungry?"

"Quite," Fancy said. "I haven't eaten since well before we left Equestria."

Dash shrugged. "I could eat."

"Yo intercom dude, you mind taking orders?"

It crackled once more. "Welcome to Google, may I take your order?"

I nodded at Rarity. She asked for something overly difficult. Fancy Pants and Dash were much simpler with their orders, thankfully.

When they finished, I said, "That's it, dude. Two more questions, if you got the time. First, what's your name?"

"Ryan."

"Navarone, nice to meet you. Second, can you lock these doors remotely?"

"Yep. If you don't need anything else, I'll get these orders sent to the kitchen."

I shook my head. "Nothing. Peace, bro." The intercom shut off. "Alright, movie time. Give me genres."

Rarity said romance, Dash said action, Fancy shrugged.

"I'm tempted to use Titanic, but ugh… Let me think…" After a few moments, a perfect idea came to me. I spun around and did a search for the Zorro movies. I grinned and picked one at random. When I got it playing, I stood, pushed the chair out of the way, and moved to the bed. Rarity ended up on one side of me, Dash on the other. Fancy Pants sat on his haunches in front of me.

"So what is this?" Rarity asked.

"Zorro," I answered with a grin. "I think you'll find him familiar."

A few minutes into the movie, the door pushed its way open and my lovely Swedish lady came in with a new cart. I managed to wiggle my way off of the bed and walked over to her, a smile on my face. "Hello again, my lovely dear," I said.

She grinned. "Hello to you as vell. None of zis food looked fit for you."

"Honey, I see all the meal I want right in front of me. You want to leave the kids to their movie and pig out?"

Her smile grew much wider at that. She reached over and grabbed my hand before pulling me out the door. I heard Dash say something before the door clicked shut.

"Every room has cameras," she told me as she grabbed me by the arms and pulled me into her, with her back against the wall. "But zee ones in zee halls are only turned on in emergencies." She leaned in and very aggressively kissed me, forcing her tongue against mine. I was grinning as I fought back, my hands wrapping around her and to her very well-formed ass, squeezing it before lifting at the skirt so I could touch the real goods.

(If you haven't guessed sex is coming yet, you don't deserve a warning. 'Sex is over' to skip)

She moaned into my mouth as one of my hands found her wet snatch, uncovered by panties. I pulled back from the kiss. "So naughty," I whispered with a grin, still fingering her.

She was grinning, a beautiful blush on her face. "You vere promised a meal," she said, one of her hands going to my head and gently pushing me down. I grinned and didn't fight back, ending up kneeling in front of her. She was holding her skirt up and I was getting my first look at a real human pussy.

"Beautiful," I whispered before going in for a taste. She kept herself well-groomed, so I didn't have to worry about a mouthful of hair. As soon as I tasted her tangy lips, my wings started to stretch and unfold, showing my arousal. One of her hands went to the back of my head, holding me steady. The other went to one of my wings, lovingly caressing it. One of my hands held her skirt up while the other reached around and got a handful of her sexy ass.

Her hips pushed forward and she pushed my head in further. I took the hint and let my tongue slip inside, lapping at her folds like a fountain of youth. My hand on her butt began circling her tight hole, waiting for her to relax so I could violate her.

I let my eyes look up, hoping to catch a look of her face. I couldn't see it, but I was hardly disappointed since I caught a nice look at her generous bosom instead. I wish I had been able to play with those instead, but I was having plenty of fun making her squirm and moan where I was.

When her loving strokes on my wings turned into painfully grabbing it, I slipped my finger inside her forbidden hole and gently curled it, burying my finger to the knuckle. "Ooooh… Now who's naughty?" she moaned, jerking my long hair.

I just grinned and moved my mouth to her little love button, suckling on it the way Celestia taught me to treat a teat. I was rewarded in a very different kind of milk, but it still tasted heavenly when I jerked my head down to catch it.

She grabbed my ponytail and pulled me up, letting some of her precious fluids go to waste. I stopped caring about that when she forced her face against mine, doing her best to catch any of her lady cum that was left on my face and in my mouth.

When she got all that she could, she pulled her blushing face away from mine. One of my hands was still fondling her backside while the other was rubbing at her dripping pussy. "My turn?" I whispered with a grin.

One of her hands went to a wing. "Angel wings means no human, yes? We do no need… protection?"

"You got it, Cici," I answered, slipping another finger inside of her.

She gripped me by the shoulders and pushed me back. "I like it from behind," she said, letting me go and turning around, putting both hands on the wall and jamming her ass at me. "Don't be gentle."

I lifted her skirt and took a nice look. Oh yeah, it wasn't what I was used to, but I was not going to complain. I grinned and sharply brought a hand down, slapping her ass and leaving a nice handprint. She moaned eagerly as I undid my belt.

"I hope you don't mind if I make this a quick one," I said. "I for one don't want to get caught." My pants down and my dick at attention, I stepped in and grabbed her hips, pulling her against me as I hilted. Her natural lube was flowing and we were both ready to fuck, so I wasted no time setting a hard pace. Every few thrusts I brought a different hand down on her cheeks, getting a grunt of appreciation each time.

A minute into it, I brought my wings in and wrapped them around her lower body. I didn't have nearly the control someone like Dash did, but I was still able to push her skirt up with one of them and rake my wing tips across her clit, the feathery touches making her moan and jerk her hips in appreciation. Sure, it was getting my wings dirty, but I needed a shower anyway.

And it was well worth it. Soon after, her moans picked up and more fluid began sliding down our legs, tickling me as it ran through my short leg hair. Of course, she wasn't the only one that was getting closer. She wasn't as tight as Luna had been as a human, but Cecilia was much more experienced and had better muscle control. She had been milking me before she came, and when she hit her peak her contractions were enough to put me on the edge. My fast and hard thrusts were making it difficult to keep up my good stamina, and my desire to not get caught compounded that.

To that end… "Just about there," I grunted.

"Inside!" she moaned. I smiled and thrusted a few more times before burying myself to the hilt and letting my barren seed grace her womb. "Oooh, so vaaarrrm…" she sighed, her head gently pressing against the wall. That gave me some bad flashbacks, but I waited until I was flaccid again to pull out.

"That was fun," I panted, grabbing my pants.

"It vas," she answered, letting her skirt fall back. "I need to clean myself, dough." I smiled at her lovely accent, made even better by the lusty voice she was using.

"Bathroom in the rooms to the left and right," I said. "I need to wipe myself down, too."

"Vell let's go, shall ve?"

I waved an arm at Rarity's door. "Ladies first."

She gave me a mock curtsy. Given how short her skirt was, that gave me a pleasant view. We let ourselves into Rarity's room and took our time getting clean.

('Sex is over')

By the time we got back to my room, all three of the ponies had finished eating. "I vill remove zee carts," Cici said, a small grin still on her face.

"Thank you," I said, nodding. "If you're ever in the area, feel free to stop by…"

"Oh, I vill. Until zen." I helped her maneuver the carts out the door before stepping back inside to find Rarity glaring at me and Dash just staring.

"What?"

"You know what!" Rarity said, her glare growing stronger. "We could hear her from in here!"

I shrugged. "That's what you get for running at the group of unicorns that were performing one of the most complicated spells the world has ever seen. The three of you aren't supposed to be here and I will not let you ruin a good thing."

Fancy nodded. "I for one understand. I may not approve of the location—in the hall, for Celestia's sake!—but given that this might be your only chance, live while you can."

"Stallions!" Rarity growled. "Fancy Pants, you're supposed to be a gentleman!"

He rolled his eyes. "Rarity, my wife is a whore. Trust me when I say that Navarone is not the only one here that hopes for a good time."

All three of us gave him very different looks for that. Mine was a knowing grin. Rarity's was shock, confusion, and possibly horror. Dash was mostly confused.

"Looks like everyone's getting laid," I said with a grin. "Well, everyone but one certain stuck up mare. You and Dash might have some problems, but I'll take you two out one night and see where things take us. Who knows? Maybe we'll either find some horse fuckers or find some really open minded chicks."

Fancy Pants snorted. "Navarone, a gentleman doesn't just lay with any mare and drop her."

"Fancy Pants, you don't have to be a gentleman here. The only one who cares is Rarity. You know Dash and I won't say anything."

"_I_ would know, and that is enough," he answered. "We are ahead of ourselves, though. We need to get out of this hall, first."

"You leave that to me," I said. "If it's possible, I'll find a way."

Rarity sniffed and stepped off the bed. "If the three of you want to discuss debauchery, then I will leave you to it! I want nothing to do with it!"

She smartly trotted off, slamming the door behind her. "Good, she's gone," I said. "Who wants to watch the real movies?"

Dash sighed. "Should we really just let her storm off like that?" she asked. "We're alone, Nav. It's just us four."

"I know, I know. I just want to give her some time to cool off. Let's see… How about A Knight's Tale? That'll show you some of humanity's horses." They both shrugged. I shut down Zorro because it honestly wasn't all that interesting and opened up the next movie. I joined the two of them and we watched it for a few minutes.

When I deemed that enough time had passed, I walked over to Rarity's room to find that she had luckily chosen to flee to the correct one. She was sitting on her bed, looking rather depressed. She looked up at me when I entered and sighed when she saw it was just me. She looked away, toward the computer. "Mine doesn't work," she sighed.

I sat next to her on the bed, putting a hand on her back. "Rarity, we're just messing with you. I don't think Fancy really wants to do that." _Yes he does._ "And there will be plenty for you to do."

"It's not that, Nav… We ruined this for you. All the time and planning you put into it… Gone, because we didn't stand and face that monster. We heard you with that old man. You were asking for a way to get us to safety. You could've just ridden with him and gotten back home… But now you're stuck here because of us. It isn't fair…"

"Life never is. You have to take it in stride anyway." I stood up and walked over to the computer, turning it on. I made sure she couldn't see how I did it. "We're watching something next door that I don't think you'll like. I'll set you up with something more your speed." It's a good thing she wasn't facing me, because if she could see my smile she would be wary.

"Well, sometimes it's nice to watch these things alone," she whispered.

"Yep." I made sure to disable the touch screen before loading up the anime folder. I found the translated files and opened up Boku No Pico. I started it, reached behind the computer, pulled out the mouse and the keyboard, and said, "Have fun. I'll be back to check on you in a few hours." I quickly let myself out of the room and ran to Fancy's. I opened the door and said, "Ryan, lock Rarity's room."

The intercom crackled a second later. "Done. Navarone, you're evil. And awesome."

"Thank you." I left Fancy's room and walked over to mine. I let myself in and walked to the bed. "She's fine," I said. "Just tired and cranky. I set her up with a good movie and told her to sleep after it."

"Well that's good," Dash said. "This movie's pretty cool. And those ponies are huge!"

Fancy grinned. "Horses, my dear. We are ponies. Those are horses."

"Hey, we have ponies too," I said. "All kinds of them. None are sentient, though."

The rest of the night passed in a whirl of movies and whatnot. When the two of them finally left, I was pretty beat. I was about to turn in when the intercom crackled. "Hey Nav, don't forget Rarity," Ryan said.

"Shit. I don't suppose you can turn off her computer remotely?"

"Dude, I don't think she wants me to. She uh… Well, after the first hour or two she really, _really_ got into it."

"…What."

"I've seen some pretty strange things, running this security system. This was the first time I've ever seen a horse masturbate."

"Nope." I turned my lights off and fell into bed, not wanting to deal with going next door. Sleep came easily.


	76. Chapter Seventy-Four

**Chapter Seventy-Four**

I actually got to sleep in the next morning, which for me meant waking up whenever the sun outside was coming up—which reminded me that I really needed to get some vitamin D.

I sat up, stretching. I popped my neck and other body parts as I said, "Hey intercom dude, you there?"

It crackled and what sounded like Ryan replied, "Yep. Still me, too."

"Jesus dude, what the fuck kind of shift do you have?"

"A very, very long one. What do you need?"

"Clothes. I need a shower and I need something to change into."

"There should be some in the drawers."

"Yeah, for chicks. I'm not going around in a skirt, blouse, and tight little panties."

"…Huh. Hold on." I waited for a minute, stretching myself out some more. Eventually he said, "Alright, check the blue one's room. There should be guy clothes in there. They… probably won't fit you, but at least you'll feel somewhat modest."

"Awesome. You did shut down that shitty anime for Rarity, right?"

"Yeah. She uh… she had some questions, though."

"I hope you answered them, because I know I don't know shit about anime."

"I did. She tried to get me to show her more, but she really looked tired."

"Yeah… I don't care anymore. I'm gonna get clothes and take a shower. Thanks for the help, mate."

"You got it." And with that, the intercom went silent. I finished stretching and hopped off the bed before walking next door to Dash's room. I quietly opened her door, snuck over to her dresser, and emptied it of all the clothing I could. She was snoring the entire time.

I took the clothes back to my room and threw them all on the bed to be sorted through later. For the moment, I grabbed some kind of very soft jeans and an even softer button-down shirt. I took a nice and long shower and then spent about ten minutes trying to get the clothes I was given to not hang off my frame limply. I also had to tear holes in the back of the shirt to fit it around my wings.

Eventually I gave up trying to fit them and just cinched a belt around the clothes, pulling it tight. I nodded and left the bathroom. I immediately froze on my tracks at what I saw: Rarity's ass, with her upper half rooting through my dresser.

_Maybe if I'm quiet enough I can sneak around her…_

I started very cautiously tiptoeing to the door, hoping to take refuge in Dash's room. I kept my eyes glued to Rarity's admittedly nice flank the whole time. When I was about halfway there, she said, "These ears are not just for show, Navarone." _Dammit._ She pulled her body out of the dresser and turned to face me, a grin on her face. "I know you did what you did to be mean, but that show… It was very interesting."

"…That's nice. I'm just gonna go."

Her grin deepened. "Go where, Nav? I think I finally understand you now." She walked up to me and began circling me, looking me over. "Why you insist on that horrid mane style. Why you're so skinny. And these past two days have given me the final pieces of the puzzle… You're short, smaller than most other humans. And when you put that… anime, as Ryan called it, on for me, your final hint clicked."

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." _But I have a horrible idea._

She stopped in front of me, still smiling. "You don't have to hide it from me, Nav. I saw all the clothes you have in your drawer, looted from Dash's room. I know your little secret. You want to be a little girly-boy!"

…

"I'm done here." I tried to push past Rarity, but she stopped me with a hoof.

"You don't have to lie to yourself anymore, Nav! I can help you! Oooh, and just think about all the clothes I can make for you!"

"Rarity, you have mental problems. I've already had sex with a chick since we got here. If I was into cross-dressing and being gay, why would I be going after Cici instead of Ryan?"

"Nav, you shouldn't be ashamed of your desires. You don't have to hide behind your masculinity anymore! You can embrace your more feminine side now. Sure, Fancy Pants and Rainbow Dash will be judgmental, but between the two of us we can turn them around. I mean, why else would you even know about that anime?"

"Rarity, are you even listening to yourself? Back home I have a pair of stones that can change my gender. If I really wanted to be a fucking chick I would use the stones."

"Yes, but then everypony would judge you. And you've been hiding it for so long… Nav, ponies are very accepting. If you had told us all from the beginning we would have helped you!"

"Woman, you have problems. I am very happy being a straight man that fucks women." Well, happy may be pushing it, but I did not at all want to be a little trap. "You need to take a fucking chill pill. If you keep going on about this, Imma slap yo shit."

"Nav, as I'm sure you know, I can be a very generous mare. It's only in my nature to make sure you are as happy as you can be. I just want what's best for you! I promise, I can make the other two see reason. Just give in to your de—" She was interrupted by me backhanding her across the face.

"Again: If you keep going on about this, Imma slap yo shit."

She slowly turned her head back to me, anger in her eyes. "That was very rude. And I was just trying to help! Your desires are perfectly natu—" I lifted my hand up to slap her again, but she stopped, eyeing it. "Very well. I know when I am not wanted. Continue wallowing in your misery and unhappiness. _I_ will go back to my quarters and watch more of this fascinating anime that Ryan suggested for me."

"Good. There's the door. I trust you know the way out."

She sniffed and held her head high as she left. She stopped with the door open, ready to bolt if necessary. "Should you ever change your mind, you know where to find me." I just pointed to the hall. She left, nose held arrogantly in the air.

When the door swung shut, I sighed. "Four years, Ryan. I've been dealing with that shit for over _four years._"

"She doesn't seem _that_ bad," the intercom said.

"She raped me because, according to her, I needed to get laid. It took her years to apologize and admit she was wrong. Now, you know of anything I need to do today?"

"…Did you just say you got raped by a horse?"

"Yes. That wasn't the only time. I don't want to talk about it."

"Huh. Well, there are two guards on their way to pick you up. You've got a meeting with Dr. Anonymous as soon as you woke up. They should be there in five."

"Awesome. Any idea what the old man wants?"

"No clue. Say, I know this seems like an odd question, but are you two related?"

"Something like that. Do you know if that cute guard will be one of the two to get me?"

I heard sighing over the intercom. "Nav, if you do get permission to go into the city, do you think you can help me out with something?"

"Maybe. What do you need?"

He didn't answer for a few seconds. Eventually he said, "I want to get laid."

"With a chick or with a dude?"

"Your speech patterns are so… retro. With a woman."

"I'll see what I can do. But if this works you owe me."

"Sure, whatever. If I can get out of this lifelong rut I'll be happy." I smiled at his choice of words.

I was about to explain why it was funny when the door opened. "Fuck, do you guys ever knock?" I asked as one of the guards walked in.

Despite the fact that I couldn't see his face, he seemed somewhat taken aback. "It… never occurred to us. If I ever get sent to get you again, I will."

"Thank you. Shall we?"

He stepped out of the way of the door and waved an arm. "After you." I walked past him, into the hall. He pulled the door shut and set off toward the elevator.

"So what does the old man want?" I asked as we walked.

"No clue," the apparently female guard behind me answered. "Just said he wanted to see you."

I ruffled my feathers, hoping it was the same guard from yesterday. She didn't start feeling me up, so I assumed it wasn't. "Ah well. I'll find out soon, I suppose. Hey, is there any kind of sunbathing place I could get to?"

"There are a few in the city," the guy answered. "Why?"

"With my body as it is, I need sunlight for energy. It's a long story."

The dude pressed the down button on the elevator. "From the sounds of things, you've had a hard life. We heard some of the observers talking, though none of them were given many details."

"…Observers?"

"Yeah. Remember when you made copies of your memories? How it works is that a number of observers are given different time periods to look at and none are told what or who they're viewing, just what they need to watch for. From what I heard, some of them were traumatized."

I was kind of mad at that. Not that they were traumatized, that my memories were so freely distributed. I expected it to be done by computer. "Serves them right," I said. "Those memories were mine, not to be shared." I smirked, a dark thought coming to me. "I hope they were in VR chambers when they went through some of them." I mean, I was assuming they had virtual reality at this point.

"That's not common practice," the chick said. "However, I heard one of them specializes in stuff like that. They had to rip that poor bastard out. He was screaming something about a horn."

I gave a quiet and dark laugh at that. The two guards shared a look, but didn't comment. "How many observers were there?" I asked. They both shrugged. It didn't really matter anyway. The elevator pinged open and we all stepped out of it. One of them took the lead and I asked, "So where the hell is everyone, anyway? I've walked these halls a few times but I never fucking see anyone else in them."

"With their families," one of them answered. "It _is_ the season, after all. You and your friends have caused quite a stir, but not enough to pull everyone away from their time off."

I sighed, jamming my hands in my oversized pockets. What the guard said was enough to remind me that my parents were dead, my other me was a dick, and my sister was married and probably wouldn't be allowed to see me. I sighed and muttered, "Came back in time for nothing…" Well, mostly nothing. Fucking human chicks and getting equipment were reasons enough, I suppose.

We got to Anon's office in silence. They let me in with no knocking or announcement, oddly enough. My other self nodded at the chair across the table from himself. "Sit." I sat down and leaned back as much as I could, thankful to finally have chairs made for humans. "As far as we can tell, you're harmless enough. Well, in the sense that I don't think you'll do anything unless provoked. I'm willing to let you roam the city we have under a few conditions."

"I'm listening."

"No covering your wings, for one. I want to be able to pick you out of a crowd easily. Not that it should be hard, given our… diminutive statures. Second, you see a psychologist at least an hour per every three days. You have problems that need to be fixed. Third, you sleep in the room set aside for you every night. A curfew, you could call it. Any objections?"

"What's with the shitty curfew, man?"

"It is for your own good. We saw how… popular you were with some of the ladies."

_More like you want to observe me at all hours._ "What about the equipment I want?"

"You will receive what you requested when you get us into the future. No sooner."

I sighed, my wings twitching. "Doc, I've been thinking… I'm going to be alive for quite a while. And the political scene in this place right now… It ain't all that hot. Tensions are flaring and shit. Time… It doesn't really work how people think it works. If I went to the future right now, I could spend thirty years there and come back here less than a second after I left. Why would I bring you back with me right now? If I can successfully free the elementals and whatever, I can get a powerful group of entities that owe me a huge favor. They probably won't have any allegiance to anyone. Use some gold to hire some freelance unicorns and bring the humans to the future then. No need for politics, no need for Celestia's permission. But… I'll need to live that long. And having some good gear means that'll be possible. Whataya say, Doc?"

He leaned back in his much nicer chair. "And what is to stop you from stabbing us in the back and stranding us?"

"My word. You of all people know that when I give my word to do something, that something gets done."

"There is a first time for everything. Why should I risk the survival of my species on that?"

"Because if I really wanted you fuckers dead that badly I wouldn't bring you back for the gear anyway. Yes, it would be nice to have that stuff, but if I cared that much I wouldn't bother helping you at all. I want some good stuff that'll help me survive long enough to get you people there. And I want to save humanity, but that won't stop me from letting you all die if I don't get what I need."

"So that's how it's gonna be," he said, crossing his arms. "If you don't get your way you'll let us all die. How selfish do you have to be, Navarone?"

"There ain't nothing in this world for free. And my friend, you better fucking believe I'm wicked. What do you have to lose? An extremely durable laptop with a few solar chargers. A rifle with easy to replace ammo. Maybe a light combat suit. Anything else you can think of that someone like me could use. Surely the all-powerful Google can front the cost of that for the sake of humanity."

He sighed and rubbed at his face before saying, "I'll see what I can do. Whatever kind of world turned me into such an asshole, though… I don't know if I want any more humans there."

"Better than being dead. And better that I wait to bring you there until I have more power and control and can set us up in a safe location where we won't be slaves."

"Yeah. Don't forget about us, either."

"Of course not. This'll just give me another reason to keep living." At least until I help them get to the future.

"Very well. Now, you have an appointment with your psychologist in twenty minutes. The guards will show you to him. I will have a talk with your three friends and you will be allowed into the main population either later today or tomorrow."

"Man, did you have to pick today to give me the damn appointment?"

"Yes. Now go."

I sighed and stood, turning to go, but I thought of something at the last moment. "Did you talk to Jane?" I asked.

"I did. She didn't seem that enthused to leave her family during the Christmas season, but said she would make an exception because it seemed like an emergency. She should be here in two or three days."

"God, I look forward to it. I just wish… Well, wishing doesn't solve anything. I'll talk to you later, Doc." He nodded and out I went. "Apparently I have some kind of appointment," I said to the guards.

"Right this way," the chick answered, walking further down the hall. We fell in behind her.

"So what's with the wings, anyway?" the guy asked, poking one of them.

"Where I come from, magic exists. I picked these up after two spells combined in a very wrong way."

"Can you fly?"

"Back there I can. I can't, here. Not that I could really fly in these tunnels. It would be too hard to stay even and I'd probably end up hitting the floor or the ceiling."

"Hm. Do you sing?"

"…What?"

He grinned. "I'm a fan of old literature. There's a book called _I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings._ I was just wondering if you were familiar with the concept."

"I don't mind not flying. I was born without wings, after all. You ask someone like Dash, and you'd probably get a different answer. I imagine that pegasus is going crazy right now." If she's even awake yet.

The other guard stopped. "Here we are," she said, knocking on one of the doors in the hall. It opened without a sound. "We'll be back to pick you up in an hour," she said. "Don't make us come back early."

"I'll do my best." I walked into the room and the door shut behind me. I found myself in a waiting room, no one else present.

"Come on back, Anonymous," a male voice said. _Dammit, I was hoping I could seduce her._ I walked on through the other door and found a smiling Indian dude waiting for me. Dot head, I mean, not spear chucker. Not that it really matters. "Please, sit." He waved an arm at the couch across from his chair. I plopped my ass down and tried to get comfortable. "So what seems to be the problem, Anonymous?"

"A few things. First, please call me Navarone. It's a stupid name, thinking about it, but it's better than Anonymous and I've been using it for the past four years. Second, I don't even know your name."

"Ah, forgive me. I am Doctor Chile." _I know what I'm asking for dinner tonight._ "It is good to meet you… Navarone."

"Alright. There are a few reasons I should probably be talking to you. I don't think it'll do any good, but whatever."

"You never know," he said. "My profession has come a long way. You said you think you know why you're here. Why is that?"

"Reason one would be the number of times I've been raped and mistreated. I'm suffering from some kind of hypersexuality as a coping mechanism. Reason two would be the post-traumatic stress disorder I'm going through. Reason three would be something new, I imagine: Total abandonment. I'm not a human anymore, but I'm not anything else, either. I'm about as alone as it's possible to be while surrounded by people."

"Those are definitely astute observations. How did you even know the term hypersexuality?"

"That's really a thing? I just made the word up since it seems to fit."

"Well, either way, those do seem to be some of the problems. Tell me, how many people are you really close to?"

"Like, one or two. Why?"

He marked something down on a clipboard and I narrowed my eyes; I don't like being ignored. "Why do you think that is, Navarone?"

"I'm surrounded by tiny talking horses that are incapable of understanding some of what I've been through. I alienate myself for their benefit."

"Tell me about the two you're close to. What makes them different?"

"One lives inside of my head, and not in the 'I'm crazy' way, but in the literal way. She knows what I know and sees what I see. I couldn't help but be close to her." He marked something else down and I continued, "The other is my adopted daughter. She belongs in an orphanage, but no one would listen to me when I told them." I shrugged. "That's life."

"And why does she belong in an orphanage?"

"Because I'm an emotionally stunted freak that has no real place in the world and nothing to offer a child."

"Is that really how you feel, Navarone?"

"Yep."

At his small grin I knew I was going to be there for a while.

A while later, I was finally free from his hellish office. He tried to get me to agree to not have any sex until I spoke with him again, but when I laughed in his face he agreed that he was asking just a little too much. When I continued laughing he realized there was no way in hell he could get me to abstain at all without using a chastity belt.

Anyway, I was free. The two guards led me back to my room, where I found Dash chilling on the bed. "That movie thing is broken," she said. I walked over to the computer and turned it on. "Psh, showoff."

"Yeah, yeah. Hopefully we'll be allowed into the general population today." I was about to continue when someone knocked on my door. Since I was still standing I walked on over and opened it to find Aaron standing there. "Sup?"

"Not much. Commander wants me to show you some gear you're apparently getting. Wanna come down to the firing range?"

"Hell. Yes. Just let me set up something for Dash and we can go." I started walking back in. He followed me, stopping to stare at Dash.

She stared right back. "What?" she asked.

"…That mane natural?" he asked.

She sighed. "Why does everypony ask that?"

"Because that shit just ain't right," I answered. "What do you want to watch? I'm going to the range."

"Like, your crossbow range?"

"Something like that," I answered.

"Can I come?"

I looked over at Aaron, who shrugged. I looked back at her and said, "Sure. Just don't touch anything and stand where we tell you to. Your coat looks better as blue than it would as purple."

"…What?" she asked.

"Blue and red makes purple. Let's go."

She shrugged and hopped off the bed. We all stepped out of my room and Aaron led the way back to the elevators. "So how do these things work?" Dash asked as we started to descend.

"Cables," I answered. "Strong ones."

Aaron smiled. "That's how they _used_ to work," he said. "Now it's mostly magnets."

I sighed. "Magnets man, how the fuck do they work?"

"I'm a soldier, not a scientist. I might as well try explaining magic."

Dash scoffed. "Magic is _easy_! You just gotta go with it and nothing will ever go wrong."

"What about that time Twilight did anything ever?"

"Okay, Twilight's a special case," she said. "She doesn't count."

"…She's the element of magic, isn't she?"

"That's beside the point!"

The elevator pinged open and Aaron stepped out, shaking his head. "I think I'm missing something," he sighed, leading the way further in.

"Twilight's a unicorn that fucks everything up," I answered. "She's immensely powerful and very book smart, but has very little in the common sense department. Think of this world like a cartoon, where there's someone at the end of every occurrence that spouts an Aesop about some bullshit or another. She's usually the one with the Aesop."

"That would be really annoying," he said.

"Damn right it is," I answered, nodding. "Hell, I got roped into that shit once, though no one liked what I came up with."

"Do I even want to know?" he asked.

"Nope."

Dash gently kicked my leg. "She isn't _that_ bad, Nav. She just… needs somepony to help keep her calm."

"Yeah, and that was me for near on four years. That shit gets old. The best way to calm her down was to fuck her silly, but you try doing that out in public and see how far you get." They both flinched at that. "What?"

"Sorry," Aaron said. "It's just… I'm not used to the idea of… that." I think he was trying to be polite, with Dash standing right there.

Dash just sighed. "I knew you two were close, but I never knew it was like _that_."

"Yeah… That was not my proudest moment," I said. "It involved pheromones and hormones and my mind being too clouded to see how bad of an idea it was. She wanted more and I wanted out. I… did not handle it well. And that is why I have a new house."

"I miss all the good stuff…" she sighed before her ears twitched. "So… that means Twilight's available?"

"As far as I know." She just grinned.

Aaron looked back at her and asked, "So same-sex couples are okay where you come from?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't they be? You get some parents that aren't too happy about it since they want grandkids and some races care less for it than others, but nopony really minds that much."

"Huh. So why every_pony_ and no_pony_? Why not everyone and nobody?"

I rolled my eyes, having had this conversation many times. "What do you mean?" Dash asked.

"Well, aren't there different species there? Like… dragons and stuff? What if you're referring to a group that has a dragon in it and say everypony? Wouldn't that piss it off?"

"Of course not!"

"Actually," I broke in, "it does. Spike doesn't count because he was raised by ponies. Try it with just about any other race that hasn't been mostly raised with or by ponies and they tend to be unpleased when you say that. Especially the dragons."

She just rolled her eyes and didn't answer. Aaron did, though. "Wouldn't saying things like everyone include… well, everyone? Of all races? I mean, you guys do have that word, right?"

"Everyone else uses it," I answered. "It's just ponies that don't. I could explain the probable reasoning behind it, but I won't with Dash right here."

"Hey! I can take anything you have to say!"

I tousled her hair with a grin. "Keep on telling yourself that, Dashie."

She glared up at me. "You know everypony hates it when you do that, Nav."

"Well duh. Why do you think I do it?" She huffed and shook her head, somehow getting her hair back to the way it was before.

"Here we are." Aaron pressed a hidden button on the wall and a scanner came out. He pushed his thumb down on it and then put his eye to another scanner that popped out. A second later a hidden door slowly hissed open, pulling from the left and right sides and leaving a very wide door that we all entered.

I stopped when we got inside, a grin slowly forming on my face. "I think I just came," I said, looking at the armory in front of me.

"I felt the same way when I first saw this place," Aaron said with a laugh. "As soon as we talk with the quartermaster, we'll get you to the firing line."

An older looking fellow stepped out of a side door. "Ah, you are the one I was sent word about." He looked me up and down. "I know what you need. Wait here." He walked down the rows of guns and stopped at a dustier looking area. He walked down the row and I lost sight of him.

"So what kind of weapons do we have now?" I asked, walking over to a rack with some futuristic tech on it.

"We got laser tech down a few years ago. It's decent for weapons against unarmored targets. We have some experimental plasma weapons as well. A lot of pulse stuff." He pulled a submachine gun off one of the racks. "This here's my kinda toy. A hundred rounds, negligible recoil. Good for crowd control. Not accurate past thirty yards, but that's what the rest of the squad is for." We heard the quartermaster coming back and he quickly put the SMG back on the shelf.

He was carrying a smallish rifle that looked like it had some kind of pump on it. "This here's a pneumatic shotgun/carbine model. It was designed to take down single, unarmored targets using relatively common and easy to replace ammunition. Put something pointy in this thing, pump it, and pull the trigger. Pinpoint accurate out to two hundred meters. Small recoil, almost silent, extremely deadly, ammo's easy to make as long as you're using something that won't shatter, and it has an extremely useful alternate fire. Pump it full to max, flip this switch here, and you have a shotgun with an immense spread, good for about twenty meters. It'll toss just about anything into the air and send it flying."

As cool as it was, it looked more like a basic upgrade to my crossbow. "I was hoping for something… I don't know, a bit more _deadly_. You don't have to tell me that bolts can kill—trust me, I know. But I've been using a crossbow that's good for around a hundred meters if you know how to aim and you're having a good day. The extra distance would be nice, but I want something that will kill someone if I hit them just about anywhere."

He rolled his eyes. "Boy, you take anything heavier than this and it'll throw your ass to the ground as soon as you pull the trigger."

"I'm stronger than I look."

"Sure ya are. Even if that's the case, you still gotta worry about what you're going to shoot. You take one of our fancy new plasma rifles, where are you going to get the coolant or the cells needed to keep it firing? You take a laser rifle, where are you going to get the focus crystals if any of them burn out? Or replace the battery? Hell kid, you take an old fashioned assault rifle, where are you going to get the brass or gun powder to keep it shooting? With this thing, you can just use your crossbow bolts, if they wouldn't shatter from the force of this thing."

"I know all that. I was still hoping you guys had figured something else out."

"Well, we didn't. Unless you want a useless club after your first shootout, this is your only choice."

I sighed. "Can I at least shoot something heavy? You guys got any rocket launchers?"

"No! Sweet Jesus, boy! You trying to turn my damn firing range into a wasteland?!"

"Hey, if you've seen some of what I've seen you wouldn't mind blowing stuff up too. Now, shall we test this thing?" He rolled his eyes and passed me the little carbine. It was about three feet long, had a small scope on it, and a lever around the trigger. If I had to guess, I'd say it weighed in at around five or six pounds. "So why a carbine and not a full rifle?"

"Because the full rifle is longer than you are." He looked at Aaron and said, "Take him to the range. I'll be there in a few minutes with some ammo and some other gear I'm supposed to give him."

"Yes sir."

Dash finally looked up from where she had been looking at some of the heavier weapons. "Hey, what about me?"

The quartermaster jumped back at her voice, surprised. "Sweet lordy, you talk!" Dash just sighed and rolled her eyes. "…Sorry. No, you aren't authorized to take anything."

"Oh come on!"

"Dash, chill. It's his job to make sure nothing gets misused. You can shoot that shitty pistol I made back home when we get back."

"How are you supposed to shoot something anyway?" the old man asked. "You ain't got no fingers."

She lifted her wings up and curled them. "Most dexterous wings out there, ya old coot. Anything you can do, I can do!"

He grinned a dark, evil grin. "We'll see about that, little missy." He jerked his head back to the guard. "Get them to the range. I'll be a bit longer than I thought."

Aaron sighed, perhaps knowing what was about to happen. "Yes sir," he morosely answered. "Come on." He led us through the still open door and pressed another hidden button, getting the door to shut. He started down the hall and we followed.

"So did Dash's challenge put him in the mood to bring out the big guns?" I asked.

"No. He's going to get his bow. If she can even pull that thing back, there's no way she can get as accurate as him. If she can, he'll be pulling her into the VR chamber, if he can even find one she'll fit into. Then they'll shoot the biggest sniper rifle you've ever seen at a target over two kilometers away."

"Without practice? That'll be funny to see."

Dash scoffed. "Can't be that hard. Just point at the target, right?"

"At short range, sure," I said. "At that kind of range? You have to take a bunch of things into account. Wind, temperature, gravity, curvature of the planet… Probably more. I've never shot farther than three hundred yards."

"What the hell's a yard?" Aaron asked as he interacted with another series of hidden buttons.

"It's an older term for meter." Well, it might as well be. "Thirty-five years seems a bit short to have completely forgotten about them, though." A very similar set of doors hissed open and we walked on into a very large underground range that had no people in it. "Where is everyone?"

"With their families or on break, probably," Aaron answered. I need to stop forgetting the season.

"Lucky them. So can we shoot this thing or what?"

"The old man didn't give us any ammo, so no. I can go ahead and get the range set up, though." He walked over to one of the many firing lanes and pushed some buttons on the side of the wall. "Normally we'd be using headgear, but he said this thing is silent and I know his bow isn't that loud. Man, I've never even seen a rifle like that."

I could see the results of his button pressing as four targets at varying distances popped up. Looked like fifty, one hundred, one-fifty, and two hundred meters.

"It's pretty light for something as long as it is," I said, lifting it up and putting my eye to the scope. "Decent magnification."

"From the looks of that scope, it can go thermal and probably night vision," he said. "I wouldn't be surprised if it can zoom in and out as well. I'll let the gunny show you how it works so I don't break anything."

The only problem I had with the way the rifle was built was that the scope was actually built into the rifle itself so I couldn't aim down the sights.

"Can I look?" Dash asked as I brought the scope back to my eyes.

I passed the rifle to her. "Be careful. And don't put your eye right on the scope, give it some room." It took her a few seconds to get it angled right, but eventually she gasped.

"It's like it's right in front of me!"

"…You're looking at me, Dash," I said.

She pulled her head away from the scope. "…Oh…" She jerked the rifle away from me and looked at something else. "It's still pretty awesome. What were those other things he mentioned? Thermal and that night vision thing?"

"Thermal lets you see heat signatures. Basically, if something is warm you'll see it. Night vision lets you see easier in the dark, not that I'll need that."

The doors hissed open as the old man walked in, carrying a large container in each hand. One definitely looked like a bow case, while the other presumably had ammo for my new toy.

He walked up to our firing lane and gently set both down. "In this crate is everything you're getting. Heavy laptop, ammo, all-purpose solar chargers, and a two-way radio set. On the laptop is everything you can find on the servers here, plus schematics for the rifle you have, the ammo, and the clips."

"It comes with clips? Fuck yes."

He lifted a finger and warned, "The clips only work with the standard ammo. You try putting something else in there and they might break or jam. With a clip, it becomes a standard semi-automatic rifle. Clips have ten shots each. You gotta open the breach and let it breathe for a few seconds every time you swap a clip or put in a single round." He knelt down and popped the crate open. "Each round is fairly light." He reached in and pulled out a rather long clip that looked like it fit in the bottom of the rifle. "You've fired a gun before, right?"

"Yep."

He passed me the clip. "See if you can figure it out."

All things told, the rifle was pretty standard in terms of loading, or at least that's how it looked to me. There was a bolt that was easy enough to pull and lock back. I slipped the clip in gently, making sure the pointy side of the metal sliver poking out was pointing toward the barrel. When I heard it click I let it go and tugged the bolt back so it jerked forward, locking the round.

"Easy enough," he said, nodding. "Here's your safety." He reached over and turned a switch all the way up. "Down is safe. Middle is shotgun. Top is normal fire." He nodded down the lane. "Fifty meters."

I lifted the rifle up, smiling. _It's nice to have a _real _weapon in my hands again._ I lined the scope up onto the head of the human-shaped target and fired. "Boom, headshot," I whispered, my smile growing. I switched to the hundred meter one and fired. I was off, but not by much. I took a second to steady my aim and fired again. The recoil was so negligible I barely got off target at all. Finally, I moved to the two hundred meter shot. I knelt down and propped the rifle onto the small table in front of me to steady it. After a few breathers I fired. I was aiming at the center of mass because I didn't know how the rifle would fare.

_Little bit of drop. Not much._ I corrected for that small amount and finished the clip off. "Not perfect aim, but good enough to kill," I said, standing up and turning back. The old man was smiling, Dash looked kind of bored, and Aaron looked impressed.

"Alright," the old dude said, nodding. "Let me show you how the scope works." I held the rifle up and he walked over. "This here's your scope setting. Right now it's on normal. This sets it to thermal." He flicked the switch. "This sets it to night vision." He flicked the switch the other way. He then set it back to normal. "This button changes magnification. You can go from one to ten. I'm sure you know what all of those mean. The top button increases it, the bottom button decreases it. If the scope runs out of power, there's a charger for it in the all-purpose solar kit."

"Awesome. But if I can charge a scope with it, why can't I charge a battery for a laser weapon?"

"Because you could never get the amount of energy it takes compacted well enough using a solar charger. I don't really know how to explain it. Ask an engineer or something if you want a real answer. Either way, it looks like you know how to shoot. Just a note: You can probably reuse the rounds you fire outta that thing, if you can find them again. Just check them over for damage."

"How do I break the rifle down?"

"I don't remember off the top of my head. The air rifles were never that popular. We only have a few in stock just in case. Check the schematics on the laptop. You'll probably find the info there. Any other questions?"

"None I can think of."

"Good. Now come over here, girly." He grabbed his bow case. "You think you can do anything I can? Let's see."

He carried his case to another lane, Dash following him with a smirk. I knelt down to the crate and found five more clips, each fully loaded. There was also an ammo box that was presumably full of rounds.

I popped the spent clip out, let the breach close, and popped in a new clip. As a final safety measure, I put it on safe.

"That was some pretty awesome shooting," Aaron commented as I opened the ammo box.

"I got a lot of practice with a crossbow. Nothing at those distances, though." I began to load up the spent clip.

"That's even more amazing, then."

"I'm part tree. I don't flinch much." I finished loading the empty clip and tried slipping it into a pocket to find the pants I had on didn't have any. _Note to self, get cargo pants._ I set the clip in the crate with everything else and closed the ammo box. I gently set the rifle down and pulled out the laptop before closing the crate and sitting on top of it. "How long do you think this is going to take?" I asked as I booted it up.

"Not long. I don't think she'll be able to pull that thing back."

"Won't stop her from trying for half an hour…" I immediately turned the shitty touchscreen option off and opened the rifle schematics that were thankfully right on the desktop. I started poring through them, trying to find the information I needed to break the rifle down to more manageable parts.

Ten minutes later, I had the gun down to a much more manageable mess of parts. When I looked up and saw that Dash was struggling to use her wings to pull back the bow, I put the rifle back together and test fired it once. When it worked just fine I pulled the clip out and slung the rifle around my back.

At that point, Dash was finally ready to admit defeat, something I almost never see from her. "Stupid bow," she muttered as Aaron led us back to the elevator.

I wisely decided to keep my mouth shut. After a look from me, Aaron did the same. When we got to my room, Dash followed me in, kicking the door shut in Aaron's face.

"That wasn't very nice," I said as I put the awkward case down on the bed.

She huffed, walking to the bed. "Stupid humans with your stupid hands…" She sighed and collapsed onto it. "What's with all these clothes, anyway?"

"All I had in my drawers were female clothes. I looted these from someone else's room."

She poked at a pair of socks. "Clothes are clothes. What's the difference?"

I walked over to the clothing drawer and pulled out a very lacy thong. "Can you imagine me wearing this?"

"…Does that go on your head or something?"

"It goes on my lower head, yes."

It took her a second, but she got it. She flinched back, a blush slowly forming on her face. "Oh… That doesn't really seem comfortable."

"It's not, for a guy. I don't know if it is for a chick or not."

"Why would they even wear something like that?"

"To look sexy, of course. And fuck does it work." I dropped the panties back into the drawer and kicked it shut so Rarity didn't get any ideas. "You've never seen a naked chick before, have you?"

"Nope. You know, I don't think I've ever seen you without clothes either…"

"Let's keep it that way." I walked over to the computer and turned it on. "Remember when I mentioned porn?"

"Yeah?"

"That's videos of sex. I'll see if I can find any lesbo shit so you can see what clothes can do?"

"I dunno, Nav… Won't that be kinda awkward?"

"Hey, if you're going to be getting laid, don't you want to know some things first?"

"Well… I guess it can't hurt." I found the appropriate folder on the computer and looked up some lesbian stuff. Two minutes passed. "…This was a bad idea," she whispered, fighting to keep her wings down. Her eyes were glued to the screen and a blush was very present on her face.

_The only bad idea here was not moving my clothes first._ Dash was rather noticeably aroused at the human women. I surreptitiously began pulling clothes off the bed. When I had everything I could get piled on top of the dresser, I closed the porn window. "I think that's enough of that," I said, turning back to her.

She flinched and awkwardly laughed. "Ye-yeah… I'm gonna go… get some rest, or something. Seeyoulater!" She bolted out of my room.

"Dammit Nav," Ryan said over the intercom. "Now I have to watch another horse wank off."

"Hey, at least Fancy Pants isn't doing it."

He sighed. "Small blessings…"

"Yep. So you hear any word about when we're going to get to go into the city?"

"Tonight. You'll be forbidden from entering any kind of bar or club. You are also to stick together so you can be shown around. The city is… confusing for those not used to it."

"We _will_ get to go to bars and shit later, right?"

"As far as I know."

"Awesome. That's still where people go to get laid, right?"

"If I knew that do you think I would be asking you for help to get laid?"

"Eh, I'll figure something out. Who's going to be my guide?"

"I don't know. Today's the last day of the break most of us get for Christmas, so everyone is milking it. I imagine you'll get a volunteer or something. I would go, but I don't get up to the city that often."

"What can you tell me about it?"

He took a few seconds to answer, and I saw something happening on my computer. I looked over and saw what looked like a map. "Hold on, this is about to get weird for you." What I thought was a webcam on the computer lit up and some kind of holograph shot out of it. "This is a map. The closest thing I can equate the city to is a mall. It has several levels and various ways to get up and down. Some of the 'stores' take up multiple levels. City isn't really the right word for it, but that's what people call it."

I was looking over the map, trying to make sense of it. "What do the different colors represent?"

"Districts. Green is shopping, grey is industrial, blue is security, red is red light, white is housing, yellow is food places, and orange is entertainment." Green, yellow, and orange were rather spread out. Blue dotted the area here and there. White, grey, and red had large blobs to themselves, though the red light district wasn't really all that large.

"Now when you say red light, do you mean hookers and shit like that?"

"Nope. Well, some stuff like that. Google does not and will never support sex crimes, despite rumors to the contrary. However, that doesn't mean illegal things aren't happening under our noses. Most buildings aren't wired, after all. That's just where most of the bars and clubs are. Now your friend Fancy Pants probably won't find anything he likes there, but I think you and Rainbow Dash will. Rarity is all over the place, though. Am I guessing correctly that Dash is a carpet muncher?"

"Yep."

One part of the red light area lit up. "This is the lesbian bar. I know almost nothing about it other than where it is." One of the orange areas lit up. "This is a manga place that Rarity might like."

"Hell no. I'm not turning her into a shitty otaku weaboo, or whatever those… people… are called. Where's a fashion place or something? She likes fashion."

There was silence for a few long seconds before one of the green areas lit up. "I don't know much about fashion." Another orange place lit up. "And here's something Fancy Pants might enjoy. When I find out who your guide is, I'll ask him to show you to all these places. You probably won't actually be allowed in them tonight, but this way you can find them easier later."

"Awesome. Hey, are there any religious people here?"

"Not openly. This here's a modern day Rapture." I didn't expect to hear a Bioshock reference this far into the future, but okay. "You'll be an oddity, but you won't be worshipped. Expect a lot of attention on you and your friends. Mostly your friends. Some of the little ones don't know much about horses and might think a petting zoo came to town."

"That's… gonna be kinda awkward. But it's also going to be hilarious. I assume everyone has been warned about us already?"

"Yeah. Still, kids will be kids."

"Where can I go to get better fitted clothes?"

"Don't worry about that. The boss is sending a tailor or something to measure you for some clothes tomorrow."

"You guys keep referring to a boss. Who is he?"

"Oh, just the guy that manages the day-to-day affairs of the bunker. You'll probably never meet him."

I shrugged before thinking of something. "Hey, what's this place even called? I keep hearing people say the bunker and shit like that, but never an actual name."

He groaned. "You don't want to know."

"It can't be that bad."

"You know how a duplex has two families?" I groaned, knowing what was coming. "Yeah. You're in the Googleplex."

"I hate you so much."

"To be fair, that was the name of their headquarters before they built this place. They just saw a different use for the name and here we are."

I sighed, massaging my temple. "So what can I do for an hour?" I asked, looking back to the map.

"I dunno. Rarity's watching Cowboy Bebop, Fancy Pants is reading some book I opened for him, and Dash is… Good lord she's flexible. I should demand a higher pay for this shit."

"Hm… I don't suppose it's possible to put her camera to my computer screen, is there?"

"Dude, that's sick."

"Just checking. I'm going to fiddle with my gun, if you know what I mean."

"Ugh…"

I grinned and walked over to where I left my rifle, trying to remember all the instructions to disassemble it. I had it broken down soon enough. I expected I still had a few days before I needed to start worrying about getting pulled away from the world by the spell wearing off, but I was going to take as few chances as possible. My plan was to get some bags from town to keep the supplies I got on me at all times. That way, even if I did get pulled from the world, I would hopefully still have the important stuff on me.

Until then, I wasn't going to have the rifle in any kind of usable state. I didn't want to risk it. When I finished breaking it apart, I started organizing files in my laptop and was at that until I got a knock at my door.

I closed the laptop and was about to get it when it opened anyway. "You ready?" an irate sounding Jessica asked.

I internally sighed and got to my feet. "Yeah. I'll get the others."

The intercom turned on and Ryan said, "Got you covered." A few seconds later I heard some of the other doors open as I walked to the hall. Jessica went out of her way to make sure she was as far from me as possible.

Dash was the first out, of course. I could tell from her damp-looking coat that she had just gotten out of the shower. Or at least, I was hoping it was a shower; if she got that sweaty there was a problem. Fancy Pants and Rarity didn't take much longer.

"So we're finally going to the city?" Dash asked, excited.

"Yes," Jessica snapped. "Now come on." She started stalking down the hall to the elevators.

"It was just a question," Dash muttered, falling in next to me as we followed her.

"Well at least we're finally getting out of these cramped rooms," Rarity happily said, joining the line behind miss bitchypants. "Even with all the new things to watch it has been getting somewhat lonely."

None of us graced that with an answer. In fact, the silence pretty much lasted until the elevator dropped us off on one of the higher floors.

"This is the highest point of the city," Jessica told us, sounding less unhappy than before. "It's not really a city, as that would be rather inefficient. The designers tried to maximize blah blah, let's just go." She led us to a glass railing and nodded her head down. "There it is. There aren't any shops on the top floor, as this is mostly just used for moving around."

The three ponies had to stand on their hind legs to look down. All four of us were staring at the sight in wonderment.

"Now I'm really mad my wings don't work," Dash whispered.

Jessica snorted. "You couldn't fly through here if you wanted to." She put a hand on the railing and vaulted over it. All of us jerked and gasped in surprise, only to find her standing there and bouncing up and down slightly. "Very fine, see-through netting makes sure that anyone that does manage to fall over the railing will be fine." She casually jumped back over the railing. "I don't suggest trying to walk on it, though. Now let's go down a floor."

When we got onto the elevator, she explained that we weren't supposed to go into any stores or anything like that. Turns out most of them were still closed.

"I'm surprised we don't have the tech to get robots to run everything," I said.

"We do," she answered as the elevators opened. "But as it turns out, people get very bored when they don't work. Most of the hard stuff is done by robots and most of the customer service is done by people."

"What about… Oh hell." We stepped off the elevator and into a ton of stares. They ranged from Jessica's uniform to my wings and hair to the three ponies—even though Dash was the most noticeable, the other two still had horns.

I was used to stares from ponies. I was used to the whispers from a number of different races. But seeing that look on my own people… Fuck, man. I felt my wings slowly folding as tightly against my back as I could get them.

Surprisingly, Jessica came to our rescue. "Move along, people. We already told you about them."

It was either her tone or the fact that she had moved her rifle to her hands in the elevator and was caressing it like she would a child, but either way the people slowly continued moving again. Not that there were many of them, as I took a second to look.

She dropped her rifle and let the sling hold it up as she turned back to us. "Why my dad is making you keep those ugly things out I will never understand," she said, glaring at my wings. "At least _you_ could be partially accepted down here…" Her eyes moved to mine. "Assuming you were wearing contacts. Now let's go."

I was somewhat surprised to hear anything even halfway nice coming out of her mouth. However, some people apparently pay more attention to other things. "Did you just call his wings ugly?" Dash asked somewhat hotly.

I didn't like where this was going one little bit. "Dash, chill."

"Yes, I did," Jessica answered with a grin.

"Dash, don't." She opened her mouth to say something but I cut her off. "I swear to God, I will hurt you if you say a word." She huffed and closed her mouth, looking away. Jessica smirked and kept walking. I grabbed one of Dash's ears and bent in to whisper, "She's trying to piss us off so we get banned from the city. Deal with her for an hour or two and that will be that."

She snorted as Jessica said, "Don't fall behind!" We started leisurely catching up to the group that honestly didn't get all that far ahead of us. Rarity and Fancy Pants were doing the whole tourist thing, looking at everything they could. Dash spent most of her time glaring at Jessica. I was tempted to fuck with her by asking if she liked what she saw, but I wasn't about to go there.

And of course, all the people stared at us as we walked.

I don't feel like describing the entire city. Needless to say, it was fucking awesome. Think Mall of America, if you've ever been there. Of course, there was a lot less in the way of mindless consumerism in this place, since it was populated by survivalists, but it was still pretty bad.

When we got back on the elevator to go down, a few hours had passed. The ponies were rather excited to be spending time in the city on the next day. I pointed out what Ryan had said were good spots for them, though I intended to drop them off personally when the time came.

"So what are we gonna do about money?" I asked as Jessica led us back to our rooms.

"You'll be given cards tomorrow," she said. "Spending limit of a thousand credits a week. More than anyone given free room and board should need."

"I assume they work the same as a debit card?"

"Yes, minus the annoying pin number business. The cashiers will get a special message when they swipe the cards. If it isn't one of you four using them, there will be problems."

"What happens if we go over the limit on accident?"

"The cards will stop working if you hit the limit. I don't know what the prices are compared to what they were. I know a typical t-shirt costs twenty credits, so you can do the math yourself."

"Good enough." We finally got to our rooms. "Thanks for showing us around."

She huffed and said, "No problem." She almost sounded disappointed.

I really didn't want her to hate me and I kind of wanted to talk to her alone, but I didn't know how to invite her inside my room without sounding like a fucking pervert. I'm bad at dealing with people that hate me, as it turns out.

Either way, she left the four of us there.

"I can't wait to learn more about human fashion!" Rarity happily said, not that any of us cared.

"And I can't wait to see the bars!" Dash added. "I bet they're livelier than most Equestrian ones!"

"And I quite want to see the Gentleman's Club," Fancy said. "I wonder if they'll let me in…"

I just grunted and walked into my room, trying to get the horrible feeling out of my gut.

A minute later Dash followed me in and found me on the bed, staring at the ceiling. She kicked the door shut and walked over. "What's wrong, Nav?"

"That Doctor Anonymous is me, Dash. That's my life if things had been different. And Jessica is—or could have been—my daughter. But she wants nothing to do with me. I get that she doesn't want two fathers or whatever, but why would she be so bitchy about it? And did you see the stares we were all getting? I'm used to being watched and getting stared at by ponies or all the other races, but my own people? It hurts. A lot. I fucking hate these wings, Dash… Is it really too much to ask to be allowed to pretend to be normal for just one fucking day?"

"If miss crabbypants doesn't want to hang out, it's her loss, dude. And so what if she doesn't like you? You have Taya. She seems like a much better daughter." She hopped on the bed and grabbed one of my wings, laying it out on the bed, and lying down on it. "And if the others don't like your wings, they don't know what they're missing. These things are awesome." She lifted one of hers to my face and brushed my cheek. "See that? Soft enough to sleep on."

Dash is really, really bad at pep talks… But having someone there to even try was good enough, I suppose. "Whatever. You made your point well enough. Now, I'm going to bed."

"Cool." She didn't move.

"So…"

"Psh, I'm not going anywhere. I told you, soft enough to sleep on."

I couldn't help a smile. "Goodnight then, Dashie."

"Don't make me kick you."

Of course, the light was still on, but whoever was manning the cameras was kind enough to turn it off for us. We drifted off quietly.


	77. Chapter Seventy-Five

**Chapter Seventy-Five**

I learned a valuable lesson that night: Never sleep in the same bed with Dash when both of us are sober. I was woken up by a rather painful kick to the stomach. I groaned and rolled away from the violent sleeping pony when I realized two more things: I didn't have a blanket over me because it was all over her, and that I was on the edge of the bed.

I sighed and stood up from the floor, looking over to see if Dash had even been disturbed. She looked like she was about as scrunched up as possible, using as much of the blanket as possible. And good God did she look cute as hell for some reason.

"I've been in Equestria too long," I muttered as I walked over to the dresser to get clothes for the day. I knew I was due to be measured by a tailor or something so I was hoping I could get clothes that actually fit me soon.

In the meantime, I took a shower and changed. It really was nice to have a human-sized shower; I had to hunch over to use any shower that wasn't either in my house or in the palace.

When I got out, Dash was still in bed, lightly snoring. I checked my clock and found out that honestly I probably shouldn't have been awake yet. That said, if Dash was going to kick me awake, I wasn't going to share the curse of consciousness alone. I lifted one of my wings and brushed the tip of it across her nose, tickling her.

One of her hooves shifted to brush me away and she rolled over. I giggled and walked to the other side of the bed before repeating the process. Eventually she sneezed, jolting awake with a start. I ripped my wing back to my body and tried to hide my smirk.

"Finally awake, Dashie?" I pleasantly asked.

She groaned, rubbing her eyes. "I was having the weirdest dream. Did we ever go to Las Pegasus?"

"Nope. Ryan, you there?"

The intercom opened up. "Nope," a female voice answered. "He's off today. What do you need?"

"I don't suppose you could give me your name?" I sweetly asked.

"I could, but I won't."

I shrugged and asked, "Then can you send food orders down to the kitchens?"

"I can do that. What do you want?"

Chili isn't much of a breakfast food, so I wasn't expecting them to have that. "Bacon and waffles. Dash?"

Dash grunted again and looked around blearily. "Whatever he's having," she tiredly answered, not really paying attention. As soon as she stopped speaking she fell back into bed.

I was about to tell the intercom lady to not bother with her bacon, but she spoke up before I could with, "It'll be there shortly, then." I shrugged and figured I'd eat the bacon for her.

But… "Hey, can you also send coffee and some vitamin D up?"

"I'll see what I can do."

"Awesome." The intercom shut off and I looked back down at Dash, who seemed to be about to fall asleep again. I poked her a few times. She lightly kicked at me with a back hoof. I easily dodged and kept poking.

"Stupid morning ponies," she sighed, turning on her side and curling up.

"Dammit Dash, how do you expect to deal with one night stands if you can't get up in the morning?"

She sighed and uncurled, sitting up again. "Fiiiiine." She rolled off the bed and caught herself like a cat before muttering something about a shower and walking to my bathroom, head low. She bumped into the wall next to the bathroom door since she wasn't paying attention to where she was going. She shook her head and finally managed to get into the bathroom.

The intercom opened up again and the woman said, "So a pony, huh? Does that make you a horsefucker?"

"Hey, I have yet to have sex with Dash. I have fucked a few of them, though, and not always by choice. But it's not bestiality, it's xenophilia. Sexy, sexy xenophilia."

"You have mental problems." The intercom shut off again and I just chuckled, walking over to the computer. I opened up some music and sat back, listening to it with a grin on my face.

_It has been way, way too long._

As the final notes of "I'm Still Here" rang out, I found myself being pulled backwards, the chair jerking away from the computer. My eyes shot open from their relaxed state and I tried to hop up to confront my attacker, but I was spun around and found Dash staring at me.

And then I was pulled into a furry and moist hug. "I'm sorry, Nav," she whispered.

"…Dash, what are you doing?"

"Nav, I know I'm not good with this mushy stuff, or the 'hard parts of friendship,' as Twilight calls it, but I'm here for you."

"What are you even talking about?"

"I heard that song, Nav."

I thought back to what I had been listening to and the lyrics in it before sighing. "Dammit Dash, it's just a fucking song. I like that kind of music. Chill the fuck out."

She didn't let go. "You know songs mean more than that to ponies. When we listen to music—and when we sing—there's a reason for it. Tell me it's not the same here."

"It's not, Dash. I listen to this stuff because I like it. Chill the fuck out and let me go; you're getting my clothes wet."

She sighed and finally pulled away. "I'm here for you, man. I know this is hard for you."

"I know, Dash. You've only told me that several times already." And that's when the short song that came on after the other one ended and "Abandoned" by Kamelot started playing. I quickly spun around and stopped it, as much as I love Kamelot. "So you want to watch a movie or what?"

"Nav, when I said I was here for you… Well, I'm going to need your help with something too."

"What do you need?" I asked, turning back around.

"I'm… going into heat tonight. If we can't find a female to help me… Do you think you'd be able to help me out?"

"Just so I'm sure, are you asking me to have sex with you if we aren't able to get you laid?"

"It doesn't have to be that much! It's just… well, being in heat is hard. A good rutting would calm me down, though. Keeping me distracted works just as well."

"Just throwing this out there, but why me and not Rarity?"

"Nav, she's a total prude. She'd be willing to help keep me distracted, but she would never agree to rut me if I really needed it. You uh… you kinda have a reputation… And I _know_ what those hands can do!" Her wings shivered and ruffled as her eyes flicked down to my hands.

"I kind of figured you'd need a female for this anyway. Aren't you still a dyke?"

She gave me a rather flat stare before rolling her eyes. "Nav, I can't fight my body. During heat, it doesn't matter what I'm attracted to. I'm hoping this one will be mild, since it's winter here, but if it goes by the seasons in our world this'll be a rough one."

"Don't you worry, Dash. I'll do what it takes. Now, what do you want to watch?"

Before she could answer, we heard a knock at the door. I sighed and hopped up to get it. On the other side was a cart of food, but sadly no Cici. "Where's Cecilia?" I asked the guy pushing the cart.

"She's off today," he answered.

I sighed and grabbed the cart. "Well, thanks for the food. You're a good person, or something." I pulled the cart in while he tried to figure out what the fuck I was talking about. I had the door shut before he could say anything else. "Man oh man, I haven't had coffee in a while." There were two mugs for it, so I poured us both one.

"Nav, what is that black stuff?"

"The key to waking up. You're a pony and thus you like way too much sugar and shit, so let me make it drinkable for you." Thankfully, there was creamer and sugar with it. I put a dollop of both in both mugs while she pulled the top off the tray.

"Why is there meat with both of these?"

"Because I asked for bacon and you asked for what I was having."

She sighed and poked at it before getting a thoughtful expression on her face. "Nav… what does meat taste like?"

"Like sex in my mouth. Why?"

"Well… It's already here." Before I could stop her, she lifted a strip of bacon to her mouth and bit into it, chewing a few times. "It's… not bad. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's like mouth sex, but it's not bad." She finished the strip of bacon off.

"Huh. Well, if you get sick, don't blame me. Here, wash it down with this." I passed her the mug. "It's hot, so don't burn yourself."

"I'm not a foal, Nav." She carefully lifted it up to her mouth and took a sip. "Huh." She took a deeper drink and her eyes fucking lit up as it apparently hit her system. "This feels amazing!" I could barely understand that, she spoke so quickly. She tried drinking more, only to apparently burn her tongue; she jerked the mug away from her mouth, her tongue sticking out and a look of pain on her face.

"I warned you, bro," I said with a smile, pulling one of the plates over to me. I hit the waffles with some butter and some syrup while she tried to get some functionality back in her tongue. "Ah, I missed this stuff," I sighed as I started eating.

"It's the same stuff we have!" she said, lisping slightly.

"There are differences. Small ones, but they're there. The syrup is sweeter, the butter is better, and the waffles are made with a different kind of flour. And the best part is that there are no shitty horse puns anywhere."

She sniffed and quickly devoured everything on her plate, including the bacon I was planning on stealing. She then finished off her coffee before I could even finish my damn waffles. "You gonna drink that?" she asked, eying my coffee cup.

"Dash, if I give you any more you'll probably have a heart attack. You're already bouncing in place. You could probably run around a mountain right now and keep going."

"Hm… I bet I could outrun the guards!"

She jumped up and sprinted to the door, but I managed to grab her tail before she could open it. "You ain't goin' nowhere. Intercom lady, lock the door." I heard a deadbolt slide into place and let Dash go. She staggered from suddenly being released and tried opening the door. She sighed when it didn't work. "Now sit your blue ass back down. I shouldn't have to explain this, but human guards are not like royal guards in Equestria. There, you might get a fine. Here, you might get shot in the face, which will lead to a terminal case of death. We are not going to fuck with security, because no matter how fast you think you are, you won't be faster than the bullet coming for you."

She rolled her eyes and walked back to the bed. "You're no fun."

"No, I'm just not hopped up on caffeine. No more coffee for you while we're here. I'll try to get some information to grow this shit and set it up in Equestria, though. It should be funny to see what happens to some of the other ponies."

Her eyes got a faraway look on them before she opened them very wide and practically flew into the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

"Yeah, that's one of the downsides of coffee," I said to no one as I worked on finishing breakfast. I also downed the vitamin D pills that thankfully came with breakfast and immediately felt better.

A few minutes later a miserable Dash came out of the bathroom. "I hate human toilets," she sighed, flopping onto the floor.

I didn't comment. I finished breakfast in silence and was about to say something else when there was a knock at the door, followed by the deadbolt unlocking. I walked over and found two guards on the other side. "Hey, do you know where that blue pony is?" one of them asked. I stepped out of the way so they could see her. "…Oh. Well, the doc wants to talk to her."

"Dash, go with them. And behave."

"What does he want?" she warily asked, eyeing the guards.

"How should I know?" the dude asked. "As far as I know, he just wants to talk. He spoke to the two white ones yesterday, and now it's your turn."

She shrugged and hopped up, walking to the door. "Don't try anything funny," she warned as she walked out. "And Nav, don't go into the city without me!"

I smiled and nodded. "I'll make sure to get you when we leave."

"Good." And with that, I was alone again.

I went back to the computer and continued messing around until there was another knock at my door. I sighed and pulled myself away from the computer to answer it. Fancy Pants greeted me warmly when I let him in.

"What do you need?" I asked when he was inside and the greeting was gone.

"This is an awkward thing to talk about and honestly it can't be done easily. Rarity mentioned something to me and I want to know if it's true."

"If the next words out of your mouth involve anything about me being a girl on the inside or wanting to be a girl, I will hurt you."

He hastily lifted a hoof in a placating gesture. "I was just making sure. What has gotten into that mare, to make her think such a thing?"

"I don't know, but she needs to get over it before we get back. I do not want her to bring this shit up with anyone back home. My reputation is bad enough. I don't need to add this to it."

"And how do you propose to do so?"

"Well, the easiest option would be to give her a good dicking, but I really don't feel like touching her again. Other than that, I really don't know what to do."

"Well, I wish I had a solution for you, but this… This is a rather unique problem. I trust that you, of all ponies, can handle it."

"Eh. If all else fails, Celestia owes me some favors. I can just have her wipe the memory from Rarity's mind. And if not, maybe I can finally use this to convince everyone that Rarity's insane and get her institutionalized." I've been trying to get enough proof for years. She's good at hiding it.

"That just seems overly cruel. I'm sure you can talk her out of this, Nav. If you can talk Chrysalis down, surely Rarity will be easier."

"I had the entire might of the Equestrian Empire behind me when I dealt with Chrysalis. I also had the fact that I could kill her at any time. I have just a little less going for me when dealing with Rarity. Hey, maybe it'll blow over and I won't have to do anything at all."

"That would certainly be one way of dealing with it. I think I shall go and talk to her on your behalf. Maybe between the two of us we can convince her."

"Good luck. If you need anything else, you know where I am." Before he could step out, there came another knock at my door. "Christ, I'm popular today." I walked on over and opened it to find a hulking fellow in a full suit of leather. _Holy shit._ "Can I help you?"

He looked me up and down, frowning. "She was right," he finally said with a nod. His head jerked up to Fancy Pants. "You, out. I'm measuring him for clothes."

"_You're_ the tailor?" I said, incredulous.

"Yes, I am. You will refer to me as Master."

There was silence in the room for five seconds. "…Did you talk to Rarity?" I asked.

"I might have knocked on the wrong door first, but that is no business of yours."

"Fancy, don't you dare leave. No offense, but you look like a fucking professional dominatrix, and I ain't taking no chances."

"I would hardly say professional. So I take it you don't want my services?"

"I want the services you have to offer that involve giving me a new set of decent clothes that I can wear in public without fear of upsetting cultural norms as they were thirty years ago. Nothing more."

He grinned widely. "Ooh, you'll be a tough one to crack. But the best ones always are."

…

I slammed the door in his face and locked it. "This may be more of a problem than we thought," I said, backing away from the door.

"Navarone… what is a dominatrix?"

He started banging on the door. "I was joking!" he called through it. "I'll just measure you and leave."

"If you molest me I will end you," I said through the door.

The banging stopped. "Fair enough," was all he said. I opened the door and backed up, granting him entrance. "I don't usually work with male partners anyway. I much prefer girls. And even then it's only a hobby. Name's Kincaid."

I nodded. "Navarone." I jerked my head toward the pony on the bed. "Fancy Pants. Yes, that's his real name. Now, don't listen to Rarity. She has mental problems."

"Very well, though I can't help but wonder what kind of mental problems would drive someone to accuse somebody of _that_." I just sighed. "Eh, I guess women are the same everywhere. Shall we get started?"

"What do you need me to do?"

"Get undressed. What kind of clothes do you want?"

"Something with a lot of pockets and something that's very durable. And if you could get me a badass leather duster, that would be cool. I don't know if you have the equipment or the knowhow to make chainmail, but that would also be useful."

"I don't know about chainmail, but I can make you something that's stronger and lighter. I suppose I owe you that much for listening to that white unicorn." His eyes flicked to Fancy for a second and he added, "The _other_ white unicorn." He smirked at me. "I don't suppose you know a Lady Amalthea?"

"…Who?"

"Ah, don't worry about it." I shrugged and stripped down. He pulled out a tape measure and a pad and started measuring me. "You know, a lot of people these days don't care about getting custom fitted clothes. Sure, machines do most of the work, but if clothes aren't measured then they'll lack a certain something, you know?"

"I really don't," I answered, trying not to shudder as his cold hands guided the tape measurer around me. "I don't pay much attention to that. I just don't want to look like a fucking gangsta or something, wearing those overly large clothes around. I also really need a lot of pockets. If you want to talk fashion, talk to Rarity on a day she isn't being crazy."

"Hm. There we go." He pulled his cold hands away from me. "You know, she tried to get me to agree to make you a set of girl clothes. Really skimpy stuff, too. Woulda been real cute on you."

"I trust you told her to eat a dick."

"Not quite. I told her I'd think about it." He made a few more notes on his pad. "I got everything I need. If I can't get you stuff made from the carbon nanotubes, it'll be ready in half an hour. If I can, it'll be here in an hour."

"Holy fuck. That fast?"

"Machines, man. They work fast. I'll send someone to drop everything off when it's ready."

"Awesome." I grabbed my pants and hastily put them on, not liking how his gaze shifted.

"You know, you look like you need to eat more."

"Yes, thank you."

He grinned and partially bowed. "Then I bid you adieu. Maybe we'll… meet again one day." His voice and tone made me slightly uncomfortable.

"I wouldn't count on it," I answered.

He shrugged. "Suit yourself." And with that, the creepy tailor was gone, hopefully forever.

I turned back to Fancy. "Yeah, you need to go talk to Rarity. Get her to stop telling everyone and their mother her little bullshit theory about me. Threaten to abuse her if you have to. Or worse, threaten to ruin her name in Canterlot. I don't care what you have to do, get her to drop this."

He grunted in distaste. "I dislike the idea of using my position to get others to do things, Navarone. I may consider you a friend, but that does not mean I would abuse my power for you. I will try to convince her to stop, but I can make no promises. I'll go speak with her right now."

"Thank you." He left and I was finally alone again.

"You know," the intercom said, "you would be really cute."

"Not interested."

"Just sayin'." And then the intercom shut off and I was _actually_ alone. Hopefully.

I went back to messing around on the computer, lacking anything else to do. I needed to wait for my clothes and for Rainbow before I could do anything. An hour later, both of them arrived at the same time. Dash collapsed on the bed while I opened one of the several packages a delivery guy dropped off.

"Have fun?" I asked her while I examined the shirt I had been given.

"Not really. The other you isn't a very nice po—person, Nav."

"I'm not a very nice person either," I said while opening another package. "What the fu—God dammit." I unfolded the very pink blouse and found two things. First, a note fell out when I unfolded it. And second, the word 'slut' was printed across the front of the shirt. I set the note aside and explored the rest of the package. I unfolded a very small thong that looked like it was made to hide something and a frilly miniskirt.

"What are those?" Dash asked, looking up.

"A bad joke," I sighed, setting them down and opening the note.

'Just in case. The regular clothes are made from the strong stuff and should be very hard to tear or puncture. The skimpy stuff is made of very easy to wash stuff, for those long nights with a lot of partners. Love, your master."

"Fuck everything." I crumpled the note up and threw it and the unwanted clothes across the room.

Dash smirked at my reaction and said, "Doesn't seem like a very funny joke, to me."

"It's not. If Rarity tries to talk to you about me wanting to be a girl or some shit, ignore her."

"Dude, if you wanted to be a girl, why wouldn't you just use those awesome magic stones you have?"

"That's what I said! Rarity's just a crazy cunt. Now, let's see what else we have here." Dash rolled over so she could more easily see what I was unwrapping. The next thing I pulled out was what looked like an armored suit of clothing. It was littered with pockets and pouches and shit. I would call the bottom part of it a set of cargo pants or something, while the top was something I really didn't have any words for.

"That's really baggy looking," Dash commented, looking it over. "It would really slow you down."

"At the cost of holding a ton of useful things. I think it would be worth it in some situations." I wasn't planning on getting into any fights while I was down here, but I did need to carry everything on me all the time. But with as protective as this stuff probably was, I wouldn't be surprised if I could get stabbed and have the knife bounce off.

"What else did you get?" she asked.

I set those aside and opened another package. "Looks like normal spring clothes," I said. "According to the note, everything except for the stuff I don't want has the protective stuff in it. I think I'll be very well protected."

"Well that's good. I wouldn't want my favorite human to get hurt."

"You just hang around me because I'm awesome."

"You know it! What else is there?"

I grabbed the heaviest package and opened it, finding an actual old-fashioned leather duster. "Holy hell." A letter tumbled from the folded duster as I held it up to get a better look at it. I hung the jacket over my shoulder and opened the note.

'I hope you opened the other package first. This is an apology of sorts. Don't worry, I won't listen to that unicorn; I'll leave you alone. I found this old thing in storage. No idea where it came from. Leather fell out of style years ago and never came back, so do with it as you would. Maybe I'll catch you for a beer sometime. – Kincaid.'

"Well, maybe he isn't so bad," I said as I folded the note up and pulled the jacket back up. "This thing looks pretty awesome.

"What is that made of?" she asked. "I usually don't care much, but that looks cool!"

"Ah, it's some kind of fabric we humans are good at making." That actually reminded me that I needed to look up how to make leather while I was here. I wasn't planning on making anything to wear, but leather is very durable and I could use it in some of my constructions.

"'We humans?'" she said. "That mean you know how to do it? Could you make me a jacket like that or something?" I lifted an eyebrow, looking back at her. "N-not that I care about fashion, or anything. It just looks cool, like I said."

"I'll see what I can do. It'll have to wait, though. Now, I need to go get dressed and start loading pockets up."

She looked around the room. "With what?" she asked, settling her gaze back on me.

"Everything I plan on bringing back. We have no idea when the spell will wear off, so we need to be prepared to leave at any time. I'm hoping everything I have on me will be brought back. If not, I'll be kinda pissed." I was going to need to pick up some stuff from a store, too. I needed a laptop bag and a clothing bag. I didn't want to carry a crate of stuff with me everywhere, because that would just be inconvenient. Fitting five boxes of bullets into a single bag might be a pain, though. I'd figure something out.

Anyway, I grabbed a set of clothes and stepped into the bathroom, not wanting to give Dash a peepshow. Sure, I knew that I might end up fucking her, but I was hoping I could pawn her off to the lesbo bar and she'd manage to find someone into something a little more exotic. I mean, surely there are furries in the future.

The clothes fit about as well as something made by Rarity, which was honestly a good compliment; for all her strangeness, Rarity was good with clothing. When I got out of the bathroom I saw Dash holding up the pink shirt I threw against the wall, giggling.

"If you like it so much, you can have it," I said, tossing the overly large clothes I had been in over to the corner I was using for dirty clothes.

"I'm just imagining you wearing it!" Dash said, still giggling. "It kinda fits."

"Yeah, but I'm not a female slut." Usually. Dash dropped the terrible shirt as I said, "Intercom lady, you there?"

It clicked and she answered, "Yep. What do you need?"

"Are we cleared to go into the city whenever we want?" I asked.

"You are. But you'll need credit chits before you can buy anything."

"And when do we get those?" I asked.

I heard something happening in the wall before she answered, "Now. Check the mail slot."

"…The what?" I looked over to where I heard the noise and saw a slit in the wall that I had been wondering about since I got there. A small platform slid out of the bottom of it and a small stack of credit cards sat on it. "Wow."

"All I had to do was take four empty cards and load them with your info. There should be names on each of them. When the cashier runs it they'll get a message of your description and if you don't match, security will be called."

"Awesome. Thanks, love."

"Don't call me love." And with that, the intercom clicked off.

I shrugged and walked over to the mail thing, grabbing the cards. I pulled out mine and Dash's and stuck them into a pocket. "You wanna give the other two theirs?" I asked.

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Because if I see Rarity right now, I can't promise not to hurt her. She's been spreading rumors that have been getting rather annoying."

She shrugged and somehow used a hoof to grab the cards. "Why not just talk to her about it?"

"I did. She's still doing it. Maybe Fancy will have gotten her to stop. Either way, I don't want to see her right now."

She just rolled her eyes. "I'll be back in a minute, then." She left to go drop them off and I went over to the computer and pulled up Top Gun. It was the only air force movie I knew of off the top of my head and I figured she would enjoy it. Watching that would give us something to do for a few hours.

She took ten minutes longer to get back than I thought she would. When she stepped back inside, she was wearing an amusing smirk. "Rarity won't be giving you any more problems," she said, walking over to the bed.

"Awesome." I assumed I didn't want to know what she did. "Want to watch a movie about flying?"

"Buck yes! Ever since you mentioned planes I wanted to see one in action!" I pressed start and sat on the bed next to her. "So what's this movie about?" she asked as it started.

"No clue. I just know it has something to do with planes."

Eh, it was alright.

"Eh, that was alright," Dash said, stretching. "You wanna go into the city?"

"You and the others need to eat first and then we can go. I don't know how long we'll be there and I don't want you going hungry."

"We don't have to tell the others we're going. Rarity's watching some weird show about little girls or something and Fancy Pants was reading some book. And they're both so boring anyway."

"I was planning on walking with them to where I was going to drop them off. Same for you, though I'll try sticking around your bar for a few minutes to make sure you'll be alright. Just tell them we're going into the city in half an hour and they're welcome to go with us if they want."

"Why do I have to do it?"

"Because you walk faster than I do on average and because you've been chilling in my room all day."

"Psh. Whatever." Didn't stop her from going out into the hall, though. She came back a minute later. "Rarity's not going. Said something about having enough fun where she is."

"Whatever. Intercom lady, you around?"

"I am," she answered.

I nodded at Dash, and she said, "Can I get some food or something?"

The intercom lady sighed. "Sure, I guess. What do you want?"

Dash looked to me for a suggestion. I shrugged and answered, "Pasta alfredo. You'll probably like it."

"Coming right up," the lady answered. We heard her mutter something about not getting paid enough before the intercom clicked off.

Dash muttered, "Crabbypants."

I just shrugged and walked over to the computer. "Let's see if I can find some Tom and Jerry stuff in here."

"Tom and Jerry?" she asked as she walked back to the bed.

"Senseless fun and harmless violence. You might like it." It took me a minute to find it since it had been so long since I even thought about that show.

She jumped when she saw the lion roaring at the beginning. "I thought you said you didn't have manticores here!"

"That's a lion. It doesn't have wings or a tail."

"…So it's a manticore that's so dangerous that it doesn't need to fly or use poison to kill you?"

"Dash, shut up and watch the show." She sighed and settled down. "If it makes you feel any better, that lion is dead. The day after that little roaring thing was filmed, he was put to death."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "He killed the shit out of his trainer."

She moved a little closer to me. "This place scares me," she quietly said, watching the monitor.

She seemed to enjoy the show well enough. The food was apparently too fancy for her, though that didn't stop her from eating all of it. I think she would have licked the plate if I hadn't been smirking at her.

"So we leaving or what?" she asked when she set the plate back down.

"What the hell are we supposed to do with all these damn food carts?" I asked.

"Push 'em against a wall, duh," she answered, doing just that with both of them. "Now let's get Fancy Pants and go."

Out the door we went, me jingling slightly with all the shit in my pockets. I walked down the hall to Fancy's door and knocked. He answered it a few seconds later. "We finally going into the city?" he asked. It sounded like he was trying to hide his rich accent. It also looked like he shaved the weird little mustache thing he had going on before.

"Yep. Let's go."

"Right-o." He stepped out, letting his door close behind him. "The lady in the ceiling doesn't seem very polite," he said as we joined Dash further down the hall.

Dash nodded in agreement. "She's been rude to us, too," she said.

"Probably just PMSing," I said.

"…What's that mean?" Dash asked.

_Oh boy…_ "Alright, you know how you go into heat once a month? It's almost kinda like that, but not really. I don't feel like going into the biological stuff because frankly, it's pretty nasty. Long story short, women can get irritable very easily while they're PMSing." Hey, it's the other me that's a biology major. I may be wrong in some details. Not like anyone is reading this anyway.

"Huh. So how do you know if somepon—one is PMSing?" she asked.

"You can't know, just from looking. And asking is going to get you slapped or worse. Just single out a chick you want to fuck and home in on her. If you get her, cool. If not, meh. Same goes for you, Fancy."

He sniffed. "I was joking about that, Navarone. I would not say no to a little romp, but I will not go actively searching for it."

"Eh, suit yourself." We got to the elevator and called it. Soon enough we were heading up into the city.

"So… what's the plan?" Dash asked, actually sounding nervous.

"Drop Fancy off at the gentleman's club, then drop you off at the lesbo bar. I'll stick with you for a few minutes to make sure you'll be fine before going off on my own. I gotta find the lay of the land, see what's out there."

"And what if we get lost?" she asked.

"Dash, there are fucking maps everywhere. If you get lost, you deserve it. I'm expecting a lot more people today, though, so be careful. Dash, I suspect a bunch of people are gonna want to touch your wings, so keep them down. Fancy… Well, both of you need to watch out for kids. Who knows what they might do? Just try not to be offended by anything anyone might say."

"Sheesh, Nav. I'm sure if you can manage for four years in Equestria, we can manage a few days here," Dash said.

"Just saying. Expect to be called horse a few times." I think she was going to respond, but the elevator pinged. "Shall we?" The doors slid open and I walked out, not exactly leaving them the option of staying behind.

There were a lot more people out and about today. It didn't help that we were on the top floor, where much of the foot traffic was apparently located. Most of their heads slowly turn to look at the three of us.

I looked around for the youngest person I could find alone. When I saw a little boy staring at Dash with wonder in his eyes, I said toward him, "Didn't anyone ever tell you it's impolite to stare?"

That broke the spell for most of the people I could still see them eyeing us, but most of them weren't being overt about it. However, a group of curious teenagers stepped in front of us.

"You fly?" the probable leader of the group asked me, though he turned his gaze to include Dash as well.

Dash grinned. "You know it, kid!" Everyone jumped back when she spoke. It's one thing to know they can talk, it's another to actually see one do it. "Unfortunately, there isn't magic here, so I can't."

The teens giggled. "Magic?" the leader said. "You really believe in that?"

I sighed, knowing where this was going. Fancy Pants stepped forward. "It's quite real, I assure you," he said. "Every unicorn can do it, though it seems to be lacking from this world. Somewhat curious, that."

"Right. I'll believe that when I see it," he said. "Where you headed?"

My turn to talk. "Takin' him to the gentlemen's club. Taking her to the Red Carpet. Me? I'm going to a place where I can find fun of a carnal sort."

He grinned widely. "You gonna have a fun time at the Red Carpet, mate."

For some reason, that was directed at me. "I don't plan on staying long. Just wanna make sure she's taken care of, then I'm gone."

He just chuckled darkly before saying, "If you get out of there, look for a place called Ralph's. Tell 'em I sent you, and that you escaped Purg."

"Need to know your name to tell him you sent me."

"Jake." He held a hand out.

"Navarone." I met his hand with mine.

"Maybe we see you soon, Nav. Maybe we see you soon, plucked. Good luck, either way."

He made a hand motion to his friends and they all walked away, laughing at something. _That doesn't fill me with confidence…_

"Weird slang, these days," I commented as we continued walking. "What does 'plucked' mean?"

"No clue," Dash answered. "They seemed alright, though."

"Yeah. Better behaved than most teens where I came from. Though I guess living in an underground bunker with cameras everywhere would do that."

"Enough to make me paranoid," she muttered, looking around at the people still occasionally glancing at us.

We made it almost all the way to the elevator that would drop us off next to the club before we got confronted again. "Can I pet your mane?" a somewhat adorable little girl asked Dash.

The mare in question jerked back, blushing. "W-what?"

The girl's mother looked kind of terrified when she realized her daughter was bothering us, and tried to pull the girl away. "But mom, she's so pretty! Look at all the colors!"

I can't lie, I burst into giggles at that. Dash glared at me, still blushing in either surprise or embarrassment. She then turned a hopefully easier look to the little girl. "You can touch it if you're gentle," she somewhat nervously said.

The girl squealed with glee and launched herself away from her mom, who was nervously watching the situation. My hands clenched and unclenched, ready to step in. I wasn't expecting the kid to do anything on purpose, but I've learned to be wary.

"So soft," she whispered, gently petting Dash, who bore it with a blush that slowly crept its way down her neck.

The mom looked down at her watch a few seconds later. "Honey, we're going to be late."

The girl sighed and said, "Okay mommy. Bye, pretty pony!" She put one hand in her mom's and waved with the other as she was dragged off.

"Well that was strange," I said as we continued to the elevator.

"I… I don't think anypony's ever called me pretty before," Dash said, looking down. Well, that gave me an idea to do if I did end up having to fuck her.

We didn't have to wait for the elevator and thankfully no one joined us on it. We started down easily enough. "Another level, another group of people," I sighed as I looked out of the glass windows—all of the elevators that only go to parts of the mall had glass doors that let you look around. The other one went to all parts of the base and thus didn't. "Fancy, don't feel too bad if they don't let you in. I don't know how things will work here." To be honest, I don't know what the hell a gentleman's club is.

"I would understand if they wouldn't. No offense, but if you had asked to be a part of any of my clubs when you first arrived in Equestria, I would have told you no in the politest way possible."

"Yeah, but I also ain't a gentleman, or any kind of upstanding citizen." The elevators dinged open. "Can't say that I aim to misbehave, though. Let's go."

We got more stares this time that I got rid of the same way as before. Or at least, I got rid of some of them that way. The gentlemen's club in this place apparently wasn't all that big or well-known, so there was no real crowd inside the front lobby.

The elderly secretary looked up from her monitor and blinked when she saw us. She rubbed her eyes, looking me up and down. "Oh lordy, I knew the angel of death would come for me soon!"

"Lady, I ain't no angel," I said. "Although if I was, being the angel of death would be pretty damn cool. Nah, I just want to see if my friend here could possibly join the club." I patted Fancy on the back.

"…You want to put a horse in our club?" she asked.

"I am no mere animal, my lady," Fancy said, putting his thick aristocratic accent back on. "I am well versed in the manners of every major society in Equestria and have been a part of the court of her majesty for a number of years."

"Uh… huh." She pressed a button. "Mister Johnson, could you please come to the lobby?" I got ready to cheese it, in case that was a bouncer. She might have seen me adjusting my legs, because she said, "Mister Johnson is the head of the club. I… do not know how to handle this. He will."

It didn't take him long to get there, either. "What's the pr—Oh. How can I help you three?"

Fancy Pants stepped forward. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Mister Johnson. I am Sir Fancy Pants, and am interested in this club."

I could see the gears turning in this dude's head. "It is… nice to meet you," he finally said. "Are you perhaps interested in joining?"

"Well, I'd like to know more, first."

"You're plenty welcome to join us in the back room," the old guy answered, before looking at me and Dash. "You are both welcome too, of course."

I quickly shook my head. "This ain't our scene, man. I know I ain't no gentleman, and Dash here lacks the proper parts to be one. Take good care of Fancy, though." I looked back to the stallion. "Head back to the rooms whenever you want. I trust you can find them."

"Don't worry about me, old chap," he said, grinning. "I think I found a place I might belong."

And just like that, Dash and I were on our way to where we were going to drop her off. "Are you just going to leave me like that?" she asked, trepidation in her voice.

"That's the plan, yeah. Dash, I'll be surprised if they'll even let me into the bar we're going to. I don't know how much things have changed in thirty years, but I wouldn't feel very welcome in a lesbo bar. Hell, I don't even know if that word is socially acceptable anymore. I also don't think I could get laid. I'll stay a few minutes if I can, but either way I expect you'll be fine."

She sighed. "I know, Nav. I just don't like being so alone."

"You'll probably be fine. And if you do feel too weird, either go back to our room or see if you can find Ralph's. I'll probably at least check it out, see if it's worth visiting." We walked in silence for a few moments before I thought of something. "Oh yeah. One thing I should tell you: There will probably be alcohol there. If someone there is interested in you, they might either buy you a drink or offer to buy you one. I don't suggest accepting a drink that has been handled by anyone other than the bartender or a waitress."

"Why?"

"Date rape drug. I don't expect anyone to use one on you, but I know someone used one on me in Equestria and I've been wary of drinks ever since."

"…Huh. Are you sure you should leave me alone?"

"Dash, you'll be fine." Hopefully. "And if all else fails, I'm sure the spell will wear off soonish and put us back in Equestria, so you don't really need to worry about being kidnapped for long."

"That's not exactly comforting, Nav."

"You'll get over it. Quickly, too, since we're here."

We both looked at the bar. I think we both felt somewhat reluctant to enter. Me, because I knew I didn't belong. Her, because she was nervous.

"Nav, I don't know about this."

"Well, we don't have to if you don't want to, but we're already here. It can't hurt to just poke our heads inside, though." _That's what he said._

She sighed, ruffling her feathers, before nodding and taking the lead.

Surprisingly, there didn't seem to be a bouncer when we stepped inside. There also weren't that many chicks inside, probably because it was still only six or so. Of course, all of them were staring at us. I think the two of us got an equal number of looks. Most of those looking at me had unreadable faces, while those looking at Dash were confused.

"Can I help you?" the female bartender asked with a southern drawl.

Dash looked over at me. "My friend here has tastes of the more feminine nature," I said somewhat warily. "I was wondering if she would be welcome here."

The bartender nodded at the stools in front of her. "Sit. Both of you." I grimaced, not wanting to stay longer than a few minutes, but I walked with Dash to the bar and helped her onto a stool that was definitely not made for a pony.

"I don't really want to stay too long," I said, not sitting. The bartender just nodded at the stool next to Dash. I sighed and sat.

The bartender reached behind her and grabbed an open bottle, bringing it to the bar. She next put one shot glass down and poured a finger in it, passing it to me. "On the house. Not many guys would do something like this for a friend."

I grinned, downing the shot. I quickly started coughing, not expecting something that fucking strong.

"You know," she continued, "my grandma used to tell me stories about angels."

"Oh?" I said, my voice somewhat harsh from coughing. "What kind of stories?"

"She said angels would send me to hell to burn for eternity."

"…I'm just gonna go," I said, trying to stand.

I felt someone behind me grab the bases of my wings, wrenching them down. I jerked in pain, my eyes going wide. The bartender was grinning and Dash was looking around, confused. "You aren't going anywhere, little angel boy," the bartender said, grinning.

I tried to put on a disarming grin. "Come now. I'm no angel. I just have wings. There's no need for this."

I felt a hand behind me trailing down my back, slipping into my pants. I jerked straight as I felt my ass being groped. "You might not be an angel," she said. "But either way, we'll make sure you'll have fallen soon enough."

My eyes widened even more when she reached under the bar and pulled out a strap-on.

"Now, now… We don't have to resort to that," I hastily said.

"When the drugs in that alcohol kick in, you won't be complaining," she said.

"Joke's on you, then: I'm immune."

"Well isn't that a shame. For you, I mean. It's not going to stop us."

Dash finally managed to get down from her stool. "Nav, what's going on?"

"Dash, we're leaving," I said. "Now."

The bartender smirked. "Nancy, if you would?" I felt the pressure increase on my wings before I scooted back and fell off the back of the stool, surprising the person behind me and reversing my wings being wrenched down. I grabbed the stool with both hands and shot it straight up, over my head, slamming it into the face of the person that had been holding me. She immediately let go, stepping back and holding her face. I jumped to my feet, Dash somehow having cleared the other girls away from me.

I held the bar stool up menacingly. "Now I don't and didn't want any trouble," I said, slowly walking to the exit. "You take your broken nose as a lesson." The very large and very butch women that had been holding me slung blood away from her hands and pulled a switch blade out of her pocket. My eyes opened wider as she took a step forward.

"Nancy!" the bartender sharply said. "I ain't gonna have more blood spilled in my bar. Ain't nothing wrong with revenge, but from the looks of that little fella he's gonna protect that little ass of his with his life."

And that's when I felt something small and round jamming into my back. "Freeze," a female voice said. I immediately stopped.

"I really, really hope that's not a gun you have pointed at me," I quietly said.

"D-drop the stool!" she nervously said.

"Dash, describe what she's holding against my back." I could see Dash turning her head that way.

After a moment, she said, "It looks kinda like that thing you made back home. Got a trigger and everything."

_Civilians don't shoot. They never shoot. Killing a man takes more gumption than most people have._ I quickly jumped left, slinging the stool around and catching the surprised woman in the face. The little snub-nosed pistol she was using fell from her hands as she clutched at her broken face. I threw the stool away and snatched the pistol off the ground, holding it up and pointing it around.

"Now then. Dash, I think it's high time we left." We continued backing to the door, me pointing the gun at anyone that moved. When Dash opened the door for me to walk out, I said, "Sorry about the face, love. It _was_ beautiful." I was looking at the girl who pulled the pistol, not the butch bitch that tried to break my wings. Before anyone could answer, I took off running, sliding the pistol into a pocket.

Dash quickly joined me as we ran away from the bar. "What the hay was that?!" she yelled as we ran.

"Not the time!" I skidded to a stop in front of an open elevator and jumped inside, startling the people who were waiting for it to close. Dash joined me a few seconds later as I pressed the button for the bottom floor.

I studied the map on the side of the elevator, looking for anything that looked like it might be Ralph's, whatever that was. I was assuming it was a bar or something. "Nav, seriously, what just happened?" Dash asked when the group of people got off.

"Explaining it would take a while, but let's just say that wings on a human actually symbolize something. For most people, it's something good. But for some people, it's not. Those were a group of people who were not a fan of the idea of a human with wings."

"…That doesn't make any bucking sense! They tried to hurt you!"

"Yeah, they did. And I got a nice little pistol off of it, too. Hey, do you see anywhere called Ralph's on this map?"

She just sighed and joined me in looking at the map. "This it?" she asked, pointing at a place in the grey zone.

"Industrial?" I mused, looking over the name. "Ralph's Rapid Repair. Fuck! I thought I left that alliteration bullshit behind!" I thought it over, tracing the area around it with my fingers. "Still... Even if it is a repair shop, we can chill there for a while. I wonder why that kid pointed us that way, though."

"Now back to that bar… What the hay, man?"

I sighed, rubbing the back of my head. "Dash, I really can't explain it without using terms you don't know. Remember how I keep saying angel and how everyone keeps calling me one? That's what most humans think when they think of another human with wings. It's… something like Celestia, something to be revered. But not everyone likes Celestia in your world. Some people hate her for some reason or another. And right now, that's what it's like for me. Some people like angels, some people don't care, and some people hate them, and just about everyone thinks I am one, or that I might be one. It's… complicated. And it sucks. If I could hide my wings I would."

Dash huffed as the elevator opened and we stepped out. "You shouldn't hide them, Nav. Like it or not, they're part of who you are."

"I know. Let's just find this damn place." _I'm getting tired of Dash's shit. I know she's trying to help, but fuck._

We started walking toward where the place was supposed to be, but the bottom floor of the city was like a fucking maze, the place maintenance workers used to get around easier.

"Why are we all the way down here?" she asked, looking around the few people staring at us.

"Get outta the heat," I answered. "I don't know if the lesbos called the police or whatever. I need to find a place to ditch this piece, too." God knows I didn't want to get caught with a stolen gun.

"What piece?" she asked, looking around me. "Also uh… You're missing some feathers, dude."

"I know. I felt them rip out when I smacked the first bitch. Guess I know what that little shit meant when he said I'd get plucked." It should have been more obvious, now that I think about it.

"You know we're going to need to go up several levels, right?" she asked.

"I know. We'll be fine." She started muttering, but I was ignoring her. I was just looking for an elevator to go up a floor.

I found one a few minutes later and we stepped into it, happy to get off the dingy lower level. I checked the map again to make sure we were heading the right way. It was still a few levels up, but we were definitely walking the right way.

"This place really is big," she said as we stepped out of the elevator. "It's gotta be as big as Canterlot!"

"Wish you coulda seen Manhattan or something. That city would have blown your damn mind. There are skyscrapers there that would go up to Canterlot from the bottom of the mountain. Wonder if they ever rebuilt the Twin Towers." I didn't care enough to look it up, though.

"What happened to them?"

"Oh, they got blown up by suicide bombers. Long story." I kept walking until I noticed she had stopped. "What?" I asked, turning back around.

"How can you just… Ugh." She continued walking and on we went. "Humans are crazy!"

"You can't let a few angry lesbians color your entire perspective, Dash. Bitches be trippin', man. Although I suppose we all have a hint of crazy in us."

She continued muttering as we walked. I rolled my eyes and started scratching at her ears, trying to calm her down. She sighed and leaned into my hand, her muttering stopping. By the time I figured we were far enough away both length wise and time wise from the lesbian incident, I started looking for another elevator and stopped scratching at her.

Soon enough we were on the correct level, walking through a surprisingly quiet 'industrial' level. She was looking around, probably expecting more.

"I was kind of expecting more," she said. "The factories in Equestria are so much bigger. And louder."

"I guess we figured out how to make things silent. Or maybe nothing is open. I don't really know." Maybe they're waiting for the end of the world before they start building.

There were considerably fewer people out and about in this area, probably since nothing seemed to be open. "This is kinda creepy, Nav," Dash said, looking around the large empty area. "I don't see anypo—one."

"It's just not active right now. Everyone's probably busy." Ain't no telling where they are, though.

She sighed and we kept going. We slowly started seeing more people as we got closer to Ralph's place, but they weren't exactly the kind of people I was happy to see. Most of them looked like rough-and-tumble fucking survivalists, rather than the relatively normal people that inhabited most of this place. I could see them eyeing us with suspicion, many of them wearing camo and appearing to be packing hidden heat.

I slowly put my hands in my pockets, wrapping one of my hands around the little pistol I nabbed from that lady. I have no idea if it was loaded or not, but I wasn't about to get shot by a jumpy fucking survivalist bastard.

We just kept walking until we were finally in front of a place called Ralph's Rapid Repairs. I groaned again at the name before we walked inside.

"How can I—whoa," the dude behind the counter said, looking at us.

"Yeah, we're awesome," I said. "You Ralph?"

"…Who's asking?" the man asked.

"A friend of Jake, someone who survived Purg."

He picked the bell off the countertop and pressed a button that was hidden under it. A section of the wall slid open, revealing a hidden passage. "I want to hear your story later," he said. "For now, go on through."

For once, I actually had a good feeling about this. I nodded to the dude and started walking through the hidden door, Dash warily following me. "Nav, what is this place?" she asked.

"No clue," I whispered. I was confused, but I didn't think anything bad would happen. We kept walking down the dimly lit staircase until it bottomed out into a small lobby, a single older man sitting behind a desk, his hands clasped together on top of his desk.

"So who sent you?" he quietly asked.

"Dude named Jake," I answered. "He was in a group of teens."

"Do you know why you are here?" he asked.

"To be honest? No clue at all."

"Sit." He nodded at the chair on the other side of the desk. I pulled it back and sat. "Navarone, what do you know of this facility?"

"Full of survivalists, built to last the end of the world."

"Correct. Partially correct, that is. It is full of survivalists, but it is run by a company. A company that has an interest in keeping its people clean. However, everyone has a vice. Do you see where I am going with this?"

I could feel a grin slowly forming on my face. "You are a… supplier of entertainment of a more illicit sort. You supply goods that certain people in positions of power aren't too keen on having in their bunker."

"So you understand. And what do you think about that, Navarone?"

"At the end of the day, whatever makes you happy—as long as it doesn't affect anyone else negatively—isn't a bad thing."

I could see a small smile on his face as he said, "Welcome to the Black District, the bunker's home of everything illegal. If you have anything to trade—that isn't credits—you can trade it here and get almost anything you could ever want. Drugs, weapons, equipment, you name it, you can find it. You try and double-cross us, you won't survive the night. We have a club or two where you'll have no problems getting laid. Any questions?"

"Yeah. How is this possible?" I asked. "Doesn't Google monitor everything? How can this place even exist in a bunker built to certain specifications?"

"Money, Navarone. My employers are very wealthy. When this place was created, they arranged to have areas set aside for activities they knew would be happening that are less than legal. Some people want to survive the end of the world, but not everyone wants to do it sober. Some people see the end coming and decide… Why be sober for the most depressing event in history? That was the viewpoint of my employers, and here we are."

I sighed and muttered, "It all comes down to money." I just shrugged and asked, "Can I bring anyone else with me?"

"Your blue friend there. She is here now, she knows of us. We would have to do background checks on anyone else you might know."

"Fair enough. Do you take gold for trade?"

I think his mouth might have started watering at that. "We definitely do! You'd be quite popular if you start waving that around." His smile dropped. "And not in all the right ways, either. Be careful, if you have a lot of gold. We keep this place well-guarded, but there might be incidents."

"How do you guys feel about having a gun in your district?"

"Keep it hidden. You pull it out, you better be ready to shoot everyone, because they'll all be immediately aiming at you."

"What if I want to trade it?"

"Nice and slow, make sure you aren't seen pointing it at anyone. Simple as that. Surprised to see the lackeys that run this place let you carry anything."

I grimaced. "I got assaulted in the lesbo bar. Someone decided it would be a good idea to stick a gun in my back. She got a stool to the face. I got a new stub-nosed derringer."

"Oh ho, so that's why Jake brought you in. You aren't wanted, are you?"

"Dude, I have no clue."

He lifted a hand to the side of his face and I saw his eyes flash, turning from blue to white, with some small black lines. One of his hands started typing across the desk, thudding against the wood. A few seconds later he nodded. "You're clean. The bar's been cleaned out, looks like everyone's arrested. The weapon you have is hot. Get rid of it before you leave the district. You linked?"

"…Linked?"

"Ugh. Do you have nanites?"

"Yeah."

He nodded. "We'll wipe this place from them before we send you out. That's standard procedure. According to the report, one of them drugged you. Tell whoever asks that you passed out and your friend took you somewhere safe. Unless…" He looked over to Dash. "You got nanites?"

"…No?" she said, confused.

"Good enough. Now," he said, looking back to me, "I don't suppose you need a tour?"

"Is there a map?"

"There is a single map in the middle of the space we have. Just wander. If you need to find an exit, ask any of the guards. They'll be the ones carrying the electro-rifles. You need anything else?"

I shrugged and looked back at Dash. She narrowed her eyes slightly and asked, "What's the catch?"

"Simple. You betray us, you die. You tell no one about us, our services are yours… if you can pay. We just provide a service, Miss Dash. We would lose customers if we grew into the habit of stabbing the consumer in the back."

She snorted in anger. "Nav, they're criminals."

"They're criminals that have things I need. And he is absolutely correct. If this place is the real deal, we will be safer in there than we would be in the rest of the city. _I_ am going in. You can stay here if you like."

The man on the other side of the desk grinned and reached a hand under his desk, pressing a button. A moment later, the entire wall behind him started to slide open from a crack in the middle.

"It was a pleasure, Navarone," the man said. "I knew we would be able to do business with you. I will send a wave out to warn the guards of every exit that your friend is excluded from the standard cleaning on every exit." At my confused look, he said, "For the nanites."

I nodded and stood. "Thanks for the information, then. Maybe we'll see you around. Dash, you coming?"

She sighed and fell into step behind me, giving the desk and the man a wide berth as we walked around them and into the hole in the wall. "I don't like this," she whispered as we walked.

"I know. I'm pretty sure we'll be fine."

"'Pretty sure'? _That's_ what you're staking our safety on?"

I reached down and tousled her mane. "Trust me, Dash. When have I ever led you wrong?"

"Remember the first time you got me drunk?"

"You agreed to it!" She just huffed as we turned a corner and found the Black District Proper. Well, one part of it.

"Looks like Ponyville Market," Dash said, looking around.

I shook my head. "No, it looks like the Catro Bazaar. You don't see weapons in Ponyville." It was a hell of a lot darker, though, and most of the people were wearing considerably fewer clothes. "Shall we?"

I didn't wait for an answer, and just continued in. I had a small list of things I wanted, things I wasn't certain I would be able to get in a normal place. And given the incident in the bar, I don't know if any of us would be allowed into the city again anyway, so I knew I had to get what I could when I could. I had one of the pouches of gold with me, thankfully.

I led Dash over to one of the weapon suppliers, a guy that had some rather exotic looking methods of murder. The vendor's eyes flicked to my wings before looking me in the eyes. "What you want, angel-boy?"

"Weapon modifications for an air rifle, carbine model."

"What you got for trade?"

"Snub nose revolver, .38. And something a bit more… unconventional." His eyes shot to Dash for a second before returning to me. "No, that's fucked up. Let's just say I have something you want."

"Air weapon modifications are hard to find. Show me the secret, I see what I have." I held out one hand in a placating gesture while I slowly reached into my pocket and into the pouch I had hidden there. I pulled out a single coin and flicked it over to him. He caught it out of the air and cupped it in his hand, eyeing it. He nodded before letting out a shrill whistle. An armed woman appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "Watch the stand. I be back soon. You two, come."

He led the two of us into a side corridor, the three of us garnering a number of stares. I'm sure most of the people there were wondering what the hell someone like me had to offer in terms of trade, and what I could possibly want that would require going into a store room.

"Without the model number, finding the right mods will be tricky, not that many were made in the first place," he said as we walked.

"I have the entire rifle in parts on my person," I answered, patting one of my many pockets.

"That is good, it will save us time. Get out a part with the serial number." We stopped in front of a seemingly empty wall. He pressed a hidden button and the wall split open, revealing a small storage area. "Come. Horse, wait here."

"Who you calling a horse?!" Dash exclaimed, glaring at the guy.

He just grinned and walked in. I pulled out the bolt as I followed him. I passed it to him and he nodded. "Yes, I have a few things for this. I have to say this about Google, though: They get the best of everything, though they don't always give the best out. Give me the little pistol, and all of the parts of your rifle. It's easier to just replace everything with an upgraded model, though why you'd use a piece of shit like this is beyond me."

"I'm going back to where I came from soon enough," I answered as I pulled rifle parts out of my pockets. "I don't have any way to make ammo for anything else. And apparently it's impossible to use a solar charger to recharge plasma or laser rifle batteries."

"Ooh, yeah. You'd need an actual generator for that. But you could power the generator with a lot of solar energy… Wouldn't be feasible to carry that with you from here, though. It would definitely get noticed. You'll definitely want the upgraded version, not that it'll do you much with something like this. Can't really decrease recoil or make it quieter. Just increase the power of the springs and the PSI, make it shoot faster and harder. Don't let any military man see this thing. They see nonstandard parts in this, they start asking questions. They start asking questions, bad things happen."

"I got it, mate. Stay quiet, stay safe." I pulled out the last piece of the rifle. "That's it."

He nodded and pulled a rifle that looked almightily similar to mine out. "Scope's very different, too. It's detachable, letting you use the iron sights. Goes to twelve, thermal, night vision, infrared, and a weak x-ray effect. Just remember: Even if you can see through a wall, doesn't mean you can shoot through it."

I looked the new rifle over carefully, trying to find how everything worked. Removing the scope was simple, and the iron sights seemed obvious enough. "How can I be certain it shoots?"

He took it from me and pulled a magazine from the same place he grabbed the rifle. He slid it in, pulled the chamber back, pulled the lever, and fired into the wall. The sliver of metal actually dented it before ricocheting. I hit the floor, not wanting to get hit. The vendor just laughed and popped the magazine out and pulled the bolt back, releasing the round. "It fires, angel-boy. Let me break it down for you."

I got to my feet as he proceeded to do just that. I began putting pieces in my pockets as he broke it down. "What'll it cost?" I asked as I hid the last piece away.

"The pistol, since you're leaving the other pieces here." He pulled the gold coin from wherever he had hidden it. "As much as it pains me to give this back, I can't keep it."

I shrugged and pocketed it. "Nice doing business with you, then. Is there a place I can get seeds in the market?"

He lifted an eyebrow. "Seeds? You lookin' for drugs?"

"No, I'm looking for a fuckton of seeds. Coffee, apples, just about everything."

"Oh, you're looking for a Genesis Project. Yeah, you can find that here."

"Good. Dash, come on." I stepped back into the hall, heading back to the bazaar.

"Nav, what did you just get?" she asked.

"Oh, nothing big. Just remember: Tell no one about this place, and we'll be fine."

"I'm not stupid, Nav. I know an illegal place when I see it. I really, really don't like this. It's wrong and stupid. We shouldn't be here."

"I know that and you know that. However, we _are_ here. I knew as soon as I saw that dude that telling him the wrong thing would end poorly. These are the kind of people that would slit our throats and care only insofar as the hope that they don't get blood on their suit. Just play it cool, keep quiet, and we'll be fine. I just need to get some more stuff and we can get the hell out of here and back to safer areas." Until I can ditch her and come back to this place by myself, of course. I wasn't expecting Dash of all people to go lawful fucking good on me.

"Just as long as we get out of here quickly," she muttered, looking around the bazaar we had just reentered. "I mean, everypo—one isn't staring at me, but it's still… wrong."

I didn't answer, just started looking for the place where I could get whatever a 'Genesis Project' was.

"Nav, what _is_ all this?" she asked, looking around the marketplace. There really weren't that many people around, mostly just vendors talking amongst themselves, occasionally casting glances at us. The space itself was barely open; it was a dimly lit hall, with the occasional pillar coming off the ceiling for some reason or another. If I had to guess, I would say it was around the size of half a football field. I could see about two dozen people walking around the stalls, with about one guard for every four people. There were about fifteen or so stands set up here and there, so it wasn't really hard to see everything. Most of it was drug or weapon related, stuff I didn't really need.

"Drugs and weapons," I answered. "Things we want no part of. Listen to no offers and accept nothing free." She didn't answer, which thankfully saved me from explaining the joys of addiction.

I didn't see anything like what I wanted, so I found a guard that looked like he wasn't doing anything important. "Hey, can you tell me where I can find a place to buy seeds?"

He looked me up and down before saying, "You want drug seeds or something else?"

"Something else. Coffee, stuff you can eat."

He nodded to the side, where I could see a corridor a few meters away. "That way. Follow the signs. You're looking for the greenhouse."

"Awesome. Thanks, man." He just nodded as I led Dash down to the door leading to the corridor. There were a few signs pointing to different areas. We followed the ones saying 'greenhouse.' After a few minutes of walking, I started hearing singing.

"You hear that?" I asked, cocking my head.

"Yeah. I heard it a minute or two ago. Why?"

"It sounds… God, I swear I recognize that voice…" I continued walking. I think my pace picked up as we walked to where the singing was coming from. "That song…"

"Nav? You alright?"

"Patti Page," I whispered, taking another step closer to the door I could hear the lovely voice coming from. "Holy hell, man. I never expected to hear that again!"

I don't know what all I was expecting when I turned the last corner into the greenhouse, but a young lady singing as she watered her flowers was actually pretty high on the list, and that is exactly what I got. The 'greenhouse' wasn't anything like a greenhouse that I knew. It was still another metal-bound room, but there were ultraviolet lamps all around and green plants everywhere. Vines were growing down the walls and flowers were rather prominent.

And in the middle of it all was a pretty young woman in a day dress watering her flowers and singing.

I finished the last line in a whisper while she finished it in her song voice, "You belong to me…"

I smiled and gently clapped. "Lovely voice, my lady," I said, stepping inside. She swirled around, staring at me with wide eyes and blushing. When I got a good look at her face, I realized that 'pretty' was just about all there was to it. I couldn't call her beautiful or sexy, just pretty. She had a simple body, not that I could see much of it through the dress. "I'm surprised to see the old songs still have fans."

"I…" Her eyes jerked to my wings and her eyes widened even more. "N-nobody's ever… heard me sing before!"

"You should change that," I said, continuing inside. Dash followed me, looking around. "Apparently Dash and I don't count as people, though, so you don't have to worry about your record being tarnished."

The young lady finally noticed Dash and the look of fear on her face disappeared, replaced by one of surprise. "A pony!" she squealed before sprinting across the room and very fiercely hugging Dash. "Oooh, you're so adorable!"

Dash, of course, looked very confused by that. I continued walking into the greenhouse, trying to find someone in charge from which I could buy. There were no other ways out of the room and there didn't look to be any other people here. I casually ambled my way back to the two and found that the young lady was going through a list of things she wanted to do with Dash, which include petting her, brushing her mane, combing her wings, cleaning her hooves, and a few other things.

Dash's eyes were wide and her pupils were retracted to pinpricks.

"You know she can talk, right?" I said as I walked back to them.

The woman pulled back from her and looked at me, horror on her face. "She can what."

Dash took that opportunity to back away from her. "I can talk," she said, looking at the girl in confusion. "You didn't know that?"

I swear I think she was about to cry. Either way, the blush of embarrassment returned in full force, covering her entire face. "I… I didn't know! Oh, please don't be mad!"

_I always find the strangest fucking people. Christ._ "Relax. It takes more to piss Dash off than that."

"Yeah, it's cool. Nav warned me about—" She stopped herself from presumably saying 'people like you,' and instead finished with, "Things like this happening." I applauded her in my mind; it seems Dash was learning at least some tact. "If you still want to do some of that stuff, though…" She grinned lasciviously, "I wouldn't say no."

I decided then and there that I was going to work with Dash on her sexy voice.

The lady blushed even harder at that as she fell back, away from Dash. "I-I couldn't! You're sentient!"

Dash jerked as if slapped and I felt my eyebrows lifting. I saw the look on Dash's face and decided to step in before things got unpleasant. "Anyway," I said, putting a hand on Dash's neck, "I need to get some seeds and I was told to come here. Who can I talk to about that?"

"That would be me," a new voice said, coming from the doorway. "These two bothering you, Millie?" I looked over at the new person and found that I was looking at a bona fide midget. _Oh God, Dash, please don't say a fucking word._

"Who's this kid?" she asked, turning to face him.

I smacked her on the back of the head. "Ignore her. She's new here." And she was also glaring at me. "Someone I spoke to said to ask about a Genesis Project."

"Oh, you want the all-in-one package. And to answer your question, I'm Big Mike. And I ain't no fucking kid. Say it again, I'll show you why they call me _Big_ Mike. You, angel-boy, come with me."

"Fucking hate these wings," I muttered as I followed the dwarf to the side of the greenhouse.

"Now, these packs ain't cheap," he said as he stood in front of a large box. "Only the ultra-survivalists even bother getting them, since our benevolent overlords have plenty."

"What kinda expensive we talkin', here?"

He looked over at me. "The kind where I need to see the money before I open this gene-lock."

I shrugged and pulled out a gold piece. "This enough?"

He took it from me and looked it over. "What's this say?"

"Something about 'Equestrian legal tender' or some bullshit. Either way, it's gold, through and through."

"I shouldn't trust it… But we all got messages about you. You ain't from around here. Even if this ain't gold, it's unique. Fair trade." He pressed his finger on the lock of the box and it hissed open. "You want everything, or something specific?"

"I don't care about grass or common trees, if that's what you're asking. I mostly want fruit, vegetables, coffee, rubber… Anything that can be useful in ways that aren't just paper. And I need to be able to hide the bag on my person."

"Alright, I can make that work. Come back in an hour and I'll have it ready for you."

"An hour?"

"Hey, if you just wanted a complete package I'd give you one. You want some specific stuff. I need to look things up and make an entirely new package. An hour is rushing it."

I sighed. "Alright. What can we do in this place for an hour?"

"In the Black District? Man, what _can't_ you do here? Since you ain't from here, I'd look into getting some heavy implants at the clinic. Never know when you might need some of that stuff. If pleasure's more your thing, look for the club. Watch out for the owner, though; with them wings on your back, she'll—or he'll, depending on her mood—will be all over you."

"…How does gender vary by mood?"

He gave me a surprised look before nodding. "Forgot you ain't from around here. Multiple personalities. Back in the day, that was diagnosed as a mental disorder. Now it's a bit more… open to interpretation. Some people attempt to have it cured, some people go out of their way to foster it. She fostered it, and has three others living in her head. One of them is a guy." _What is this, _Blindsight?

"That's… weird as fuck, but okay."

He nodded. "Yep. Just watch her eyes. Blue, it's a man. Anything else, it's a female. If you want to keep shopping, look for the signs to the market. What you walked through when you first came in was just an offshoot, the beginner's area."

"Alright. Thanks, man. We'll get out of your hair for now, then." He just waved me away, walking over to a computer desk. I walked back to Dash and found her still trying to talk to an increasingly nervous Millie. "Come on, Dash."

She sighed and fell into step beside me. "Where we going now?"

"The bigger market." In a way, I wanted to try the club, but in another way I didn't want another Kat. Especially a Kat that I had warning about and that I knew had multiple personalities. Implants would be risky given my body and the fact that I get manipulated by magic a lot.

"Ugh. I hate shopping."

"Well, unless you feel like going to a club and me possibly getting raped by a certified insane club owner, that's our only option for an hour."

"Well when you put it THAT way…"

An hour later, we returned to the midget's little greenhouse. Neither of us got anything because there was nothing really that worth getting. The club probably would have been more interesting, but I refused to take that kind of chance.

Millie saw us as we walked in and quickly relocated to the far corner of the greenhouse. Mike the small person looked up when he saw her edging back and waved us in. "Got your package ready, if you know what I mean."

I walked over, saying, "If by that you mean you have my plant seeds, then I'm here to pick them up."

He grinned and held out a sealed box. "You're good, I'll give you that. This is everything you wanted. You also got a mem stick with info on how to take care of them. It's all labeled, don't you worry. Just press your thumb right in the middle there." I did so. "Genelocked to you," he said.

I took the box. "Thanks, man. Tell Millie we're sorry for disturbing her."

"Yeah, she's excitable, but she'll be fine."

And just like that, Dash and I were back on the move. "Where to now?" she asked.

"We're getting out of here and going back to legal places."

"Finally!" Thankfully, I had taken the time to find an exit while we were wandering for an hour. We started walking that way. "Although it does seem like a waste to leave without doing anything fun…"

"Dash, you don't want any part of some of the stuff we might find here. Sure, some of it might be innocent sex and perverted one night stands, but I don't want to run the risk of another drug-fueled orgy. Especially not when I could get addicted."

"Yeah, I know… Still, it seems strange."

"Eh, you'll get over it." If this was a shitty book, we would have gotten stopped by armed guards hired by the owner of the club, forcing us to go there.

Good thing this isn't a shitty book. We got to the exit with no issues. The guard did stop us before we left, though. "You need to be cleaned," he said, pulling out a small device.

"Do what you gotta do." He nodded and lifted the device to my ear. I heard a click and felt the same sensation as when my other self asked me to pull some memories out.

"Man, this must be some kinda new model or something," the guard said as he pulled away. "I've never seen that kinda effect before."

I just shrugged. "We clear to leave, then?"

"Let me check." I saw one of his eyes go completely white before an image super-imposed on it. "Yeah, the other side is clear." He reached behind him and pressed a part of the wall. "Quickly, now."

Dash and I wasted no time getting to the other side of the wall. I had no idea where we were offhand, but I think we were still in the industrial area. I picked a direction and started walking. The hidden door swiftly closed behind us. "Welcome to the life of an agent of the crown," I told her as we walked.

"_Celestia_ told you to get those seeds?" she asked.

"Nope. But this is the kind of stuff I have to do sometimes. Now, just one more stop before we can head back. I think I want to call it a bloody day."

"What about… my problem?"

"If worst comes to worst, I'll just treat you like a piece of meat and tenderize you. I'm sure I can get your body to shut up somehow. If not that, I'll distract you. That lesbian bar is definitely a bust. Without going to a club and finding a woman with less than exemplary morals, that's our best option."

She sighed. "Maybe tomorrow, then."

"Doesn't it start tonight?"

"Well, yeah. You can rut me tonight and then we can try to find somepony else so you don't have to buck me tomorrow night, too."

"That's doable. You're awfully accepting of this, despite resorting to fucking a guy."

"Nav, you're cool, and I trust you. It will be… weird, having sex with you as a guy, but I'll be fine."

"…Sex with me as a guy?"

She looked away, blushing. "Well, after you showed me that gender stone, I had a few dreams…" _God dammit, Luna._

"Well, I guess I'll make your dreams a reality. Sort of."

She flicked me with her tail. "You're terrible, Nav. Now what's this one last stop we have to make?"

"I need some bags. Hopefully it won't take long."

"I hope not, too. You seem to have a knack for getting into weird and zany adventures."

Not long later, we were finally on the elevator going back down into the depths, where I was hoping a great evil hadn't been awakened. If we happened to get in trouble for what happened at the bar, I knew there was a good chance we wouldn't be able to get back into the city at all. Thus, the great beast would be awoken.

I didn't worry Dash with that, because honestly she should have been able to figure it out herself.

"I didn't mention it before, but… Those were some awesome moves, Nav," she said as we rode the elevator down. "The way you took down those jerks at that bar was awesome!"

"All I did was swing a bar stool around. I take it you've never been in a bar fight?"

"Is that a thing here? Bar fights are common?"

"I wouldn't say common, but they aren't unheard of. Ain't nothing wrong with a spot of drunken fighting."

"We weren't drunk, though."

"Yeah, but not for lack of trying. Whatever that bitch gave me was strong. I'm probably going to sleep good tonight from the drug she put in it."

The elevator dinged open and we started walking down the hall. "So what do you mean you're immune to drugs?"

"Oh. It's kind of interesting, actually. During the week of Cadance's wedding, Twilight poisoned herself with hate poison and then used acid to melt all of my internal organs and most of my bones. Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis used magic to rebuild my insides, but since my genetic code has been drastically altered, what grew back wasn't a human's insides, it was something that was a mix between animal and plant. Because of that, most normal drugs don't work as well on me."

"Nav, that doesn't make much sense."

"Hey, it's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit." She just rolled her eyes as we continued walking. "You handled yourself pretty well too, though. I imagine most ponies would have panicked at the sight of blood."

"Not the Dash! I… may not have been in any big fights, but I've done a ton of karate training! I couldn't freeze up and leave my bro hanging like that."

"Glad you didn't, either. I would have hated to incapacitate the entire damn bar to get you out." That and I don't really think I could have.

When we got to my room, we found two armed and armored guards outside the door, who lined up in front of the hall when they saw us coming. "Navarone, we have some questions for you," one of them said.

I nodded. "We gonna answer them here or somewhere else?" I asked.

"Here is fine," the same one said. "You aren't in trouble, so don't worry." I wasn't really that worried anyway. "Give us your version of what happened at the Red Carpet."

"My friend here is a lesbian. I knew that bar catered to her type. I took her there in the hopes of getting her laid, with the plan that I would leave her there. When we stepped inside, the bartender asked us both to sit down. I mentioned that I was planning on leaving, she told me to sit anyway. She then gave me a drink on the house that she later mentioned was drugged. We shared a few words about the nature of my friendship that would get me to conquer the stigma of entering a gay bar for my friend. She then had her bouncer come up behind me and wrench my wings back. The bartender pulled out a strap on and said she was going to rape me. I decided it would be a good time to split, and fell backwards off the stool. I then used it as a weapon to batter my way to freedom. One lady pulled a gun on me, but I got it off her and used it to further my escape. When we were free, we ran."

"And why didn't you go to a security area immediately to report the crime?"

"I didn't know where a security area was. Also, I panicked. The increased blood rush from my panicking must have kicked in the drug, despite my chemistry, and I passed out. Dash dragged me somewhere safe until I woke up again. I think I lost the gun sometime during all this, because I don't have it on me anymore."

"After you woke up, what did you do?"

"Went shopping. I needed some stuff in town."

"Why didn't you find a security area then?"

"I figured it would either be too late because they were already all arrested, or that you could just use the memories in my nanites to track the guilty parties down and arrest them and so it didn't matter when I reported them."

"Are you sure you don't have the gun anymore?"

"Positive. I searched all my pockets, and I didn't have these bags until after. That pistol is gone."

The guy's partner nodded. "Lie detector reads green. It fluctuated during some of that story, but it might just be his chemistry." _God I wish I could see their faces. Fucking visors. _"He doesn't have the gun, though."

"That's the important part," he partner said with a shrug. "Which way did you run when you left? If it's still on the floor or something we need to find it. I don't want a kid getting a hold of it."

"Shit, I think we ran left, coming out of the bar. I don't remember much after that; it was somewhat of a mad dash."

"Alright, we'll focus the search that way. The three guilty parties were arrested, by the way. No action will be required on your part. They will be dealt with."

I nodded. "Thanks for the info, officer. Are we free to go, then?"

"You got it. Have a nice day, and on behalf of Google, I apologize you had to be treated like that. It won't happen again."

"Excellent. No offense, but I hope I don't see either of you again."

"None taken." He tapped his partner on the arm. "Come on." They started walking the way we came, with us stepping to the side to let them pass. We were finally back to what I could temporarily call home.

"I feel like we should check on Fancy," I said as I put my shit down.

"Eh, he'll be fine. I do need to go talk to Rarity about something, though. I'll be back over in a few minutes."

"Take your time. There's something wrong with her, or something. She needs to spend time with her friends. And remember to keep today's adventures secret."

"My lips are sealed." And with that, she sauntered out.

I giggled when the door closed. "Won't be sealed for long," I whispered as I pushed my laptop and its charger into the laptop bag. I closed that one and put all the ammo in another bag. I then put the gun together and pushed it into the bag, angling it down so it stuck out as little as possible. After a moment of thought, I reached in and broke it down just enough that I could fit it into the bag without any of it showing.

I put a bag on either shoulder and went to the computer desk, sitting down. I figured I could fuck around until Dash got back. Then I could continue to fuck around, if you know what I mean.

The wait was a lot longer than I was expecting, actually. Forty-five minutes after she left, I heard a knock at my door. I closed what I had been doing—_no one must know_—and went to answer it. I was very surprised at what I found.

I looked down at Dash, wearing 'sexy' clothes. Rainbow-colored stockings rode all the way up to her haunches on her back legs. They were held up by thin straps attached to a makeshift saddle that forced her wings up and out. An uncomfortable looking pair of red lacy panties hugged the inside of her haunches, running tight against her wet goods. A simple pair of white socks adorned her front hooves, each with a pink stripe at the top. And to top it all off, a pink ribbon held her normally graceless hair back in a reserved ponytail.

And of course, there was the semi-manic look in her eyes that I knew I had seen before.

"As strange as this is," I said, "you look pretty fucking sexy." She seemed to let out a breath. "Now get in here. I don't want to know what would happen if Fancy saw—or smelled—you like this." She looked both ways before practically leaping through the door. I gently caressed a wing while closing the door. "Not that I'm complaining, but what's with the getup?"

She shivered at my touch, moaning delightfully. "I-I spoke with Rarity. I've never been… with a stallion. She suggested I dress up for some reason. These panty things are really tight."

"Well I know I'm going to enjoy unwrapping my little Rainbow of joy." She groaned at that. I pulled the bags off my shoulders and hastily removed my shirt. "I'm doing this for you. Do you have any kind of preferences?"

"Well, normally I like being tied up and… well, used. But we don't have any rope. And oooh, those dreams of you… I know you'll be fine without the ropes."

I grinned darkly. "I'll love proving you right."

(Clop is most definitely coming. This'll be the end of the chapter, so feel free to stop if you don't want to read it)

I moved one hand to one of her wings and slowly dragged it up, running my hands through her plumage. Her eyes shot open and I knelt down and reached under her chin with my other hand, kissing her while she moaned. Apparently Dash was a power submissive, and she put up no resistance as I explored her mouth.

Just as quickly as I had ambushed her with the kiss, I pulled away, sidestepping around her body and grasping her tail. I yanked it with one hand and brought my hand down on her flank with another, producing an amusing thwapping sound. "To the bed," I ordered, slapping her well-toned ass again.

She hopped to obey, her wings fluttering as she trotted to the bed. She jumped onto her back, four legs held in the air like a begging dog. "It always amazes me how much heat can change a mare," I said as I walked over, a grin forming on my face.

"Just ru—"

I yanked her tail rather hard and slapped her ass again, making her yelp. "Did your master say you could talk?" Her eyes widened, but she quickly averted them, knowing her place. "That's what I thought. Good little pets get rewards…" I reached my hand down and rubbed at the slit hidden under her sopping pants. She gently moaned as I pushed the warm and wet fabric against her swollen folds. That moan turned into a gasp as I brought my other hand down sharply against her cutie mark. "And bad pets get punishments. What kind of pet are you, my little Dashie?"

"I'm… I'm a good pet," she whispered, her eyes going down to where I was still gently rubbing her.

"Good." With one hand, I reached around and slowly began pulling the panties off her, still rubbing the wet fabric into her with the other. When I could no longer both pull them off and rub her, I casually tore them off, throwing them aside. "Now does my little pet want her treat?" She hastily nodded. "Beg for it."

"Please, master! Reward me!"

"Hmm? What have you done to deserve a reward? Why should you get a treat when your master doesn't?"

Her ears laid back against her head. "I… I can make you happy, master. I just… I need it!"

I rolled my eyes. I knew if I didn't give her something at this point she might well decide to take it. You do not tease a mare in heat. "You're lucky I'm a loving master." I knelt down and got ready to taste the rainbow.

"Thank you, master!" I grabbed both of her legs and gently pulled them away, since I had been accidentally kicked before.

With no warning, I took a quick lick across her—"Holy sweet fuck you taste like skittles!"

"I… what?"

_We should have done this sooner!_ I wasted no time turning Dash's questions into moans of pleasure. I know ponies can sometimes taste like things of their color, but this… This was unbelievable. From the way her front hooves went to my head to try to guide me, she seemed to partially agree on the unbelievable status of it. "Sooo gooood!" she whispered as I attacked her with my tongue, doing my best to taste every inch of her tightness.

Long story short, I lost track of the time I spent eating her candy vag, finally tasting skittles for the first time in over four years. When I finally got my fill of her sweet juices, I pulled away, my chin dripping from her fluids. Her eyes were crossed, her tongue was lolling, and she had a tremendous blush on her face.

She snapped out of it when I slapped her across the flank again. "It is your master's turn, pet." She shook herself free, her eyes losing some of the mania present during heat.

"Y-yes, master."

"Now clean my face of your filth." She shivered with delight as she stretched to lean forward. My hand moving back down to tweak her clit probably had something to do with that. She finally managed to get next to me, and slowly licked my chin clean of her sweet fluids. "Your master treated you well. Now you're going to treat him well."

I pulled away from her and finally slid off my constrictive pants. They had been tight against me ever since I saw her in that sexy outfit. She blinked uncertainly when she saw me and I readied myself to slap her across the face, but she thankfully didn't comment. Instead, she pushed herself up to get at me, trying to get my meat between her lips.

I grabbed her hair and held her back. "Do you think I'm going to stand while you use your unpracticed lips?" I snorted and contemptuously tossed her head to the side before taking a spot next to her. "On your knees. If you start doing a good job I might massage your wings."

When she heard that, she practically jumped off the bed and between my legs. She eagerly took my length in her mouth, immediately going down to the base. She proceeded to do nothing for the next ten seconds, just looking at me with her pretty pink eyes.

"Holy shit, you really don't have any practice. Use your tongue! Let me see some bobbing! Bah, what kind of pet doesn't know how to please her master? Maybe I should just lock you up for the next few days, see if you're readying to actually pl—Oooh." She finally took the hint and began doing things right. "Better. But I hope for your sake I don't feel any teeth!"

She bobbed up and circled my head with her tongue before wrapping the entire head with her freaky horse tongue and slowly uncurling it. "Hmm… I may not have a sugar cube for my little pet pony, but if you keep that up, you'll get something sweet."

I finally reached one hand forward and rubbed at one of her ears. I could feel her smile and moan appreciatively, happy to know she was pleasing her master enough to give her any attention. "Keep on going, Dashie," I whispered as she bobbed back down, using her tongue to circle all of me and heavily suck in.

I finally moved the hand down to the tip of one of her wings. Her eyes lit up as I slowly dragged my fingers against her feathers, making her feel oh so wrong but oh so right. "If you can make me cum soon, I'll help you preen," I said, smiling down at her.

Her eyebrows shot up and she redoubled her efforts, bobbing, slurping, licking, and sucking like a child with a lollipop. When I finally felt just about ready to burst, I gripped her head with both hands and forced her down onto me, letting her wings go. The surprise was enough to get her to grunt and jerk her tongue, finally sending me over the edge.

I felt myself twitch and sigh as I came inside Rainbow Dash, giving her a taste of my seed. "Good pets swallow," I said, not letting her pull back. "And you're a good pet, Dashie."

When I heard her very noisily swallow and look up at me with bloodshot, teary eyes, I let go of the back of her head. She quickly pulled away from me, gulping in air.

"Now," I said as she tried to regain herself, "I hope that's enough to take the edge off for now. I'm really tired and want to go to bed."

When she was able to talk easily again, she said, "I'm… fine. Can you just help me get this stupid saddle off?"

"Easy enough." She quickly turned around and thrust her ass in my face again. I don't know if she was trying to give me a hint or what, but I meant what I said. I undid the straps Rarity had in place and pulled the saddle off, tossing it away. "What about the socks?"

"…They're warm and cozy."

I grinned. "And so are you. Hop on up and let's go to sleep."

She met my grin with her own. "Awesome! You really are a good bro, Nav. Thanks for all… this. And sorry for having such a weird fetish. Just don't tell anypony, or else."

I shrugged. "No big. Let's just sleep." No more words were said as she hopped up on the bed with me and we both lied back down.

Well, no more words were said by either of us. Just as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, I heard the intercom click. "What the fu—"


	78. Chapter Seventy-Six

**Chapter Seventy-Six**

Having highly immoral relations with Dash seemed to have put her in the mind to be a better bedfellow, because she was actually relatively calm that night, as far as I could tell. Well, she was sleeping calmly, at least; I don't want to talk about where one of my hands ended up. Hint: It was warm and wet.

When I pulled my hand from her mouth and got up, I shuddered at the clinging feel of sex fluids on some parts of my body. I took a quick shower and got out to find Dash still being lazy.

I woke her up the best way I knew how. She jolted awake, trying to figure out what was happening and why she was enjoying it so much. When she realized it was just me molesting her, she happily sighed and leaned back onto the bed.

"A mare could get used to that," she sighed when I pulled away.

"I can imagine. Now go take a shower. You smell like sex and sweat."

"But the bed is so warm and comfy!"

I crossed my arms. "Do I need to start tickling you?"

She narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't." I lifted my wings menacingly, ready to strike down at her at any moment. She sighed and rolled out of bed, grumbling.

"Good girl. Maybe if you take your time, I'll have a treat when you get out."

"You already said you'd help me preen!"

"I didn't say when. Now go take a shower." She sighed and walked to the bathroom, hanging her head. I playfully swatted her flank with my wing as she passed. She just hmphed at that.

When she was safely in the bathroom, the intercom kicked on. "I will never, ever forgive you for making me watch that," the lady said, sounding somewhat upset.

"Hey, you know it was sexy."

"I hate you so much right now that it hurts. The least you could do is put some pants on!"

"Love you too, babe. Can you send word down to the kitchen for me?"

"Ugh. What do you want?"

"Strawberry pancakes for Dash. I'm not hungry."

"Whatever. And Doctor Anonymous wants to see you at noon. It's eleven, now."

"Where?"

"His office. I assume you know the way by now."

"I do. So what's your name, again?"

I heard a heavy sigh from the intercom before she answered, "Melissa." It clicked off and I figured she wouldn't answer.

"That's a pretty name," I said anyway, smiling. As I expected, she didn't bother answering. I went to get dressed, since I knew the food would probably come within the half hour.

Half an hour later, I had Dash on my lap and I was preening one of her wings. When someone knocked on the door, she didn't move. "Forget them," she said, ruffling her feathers and undoing most of my work. "It can wait."

"I know you're hungry, Dash. Let me up." She sighed and moved, giving me puppy-dog eyes that I dutifully ignored on the way to the door. I opened it and to my joyous surprise found the beautiful Cici on the other side. I met her with a grin. "Lovely to see you again," I said.

She met my grin with her own. "Same to you, Nav." I stood aside so she could wheel the tray in. "Oh, you have a guest. You two seem to be together a lot." God I loved her accent.

"We're pretty good friends, yeah. Cici, what do you think of… trying new things?"

"Oh? What kinds of new things?" I could see a blush slowly forming on Dash's face and her wings started twitching.

"Well, my little blue friend here has a problem. An itch that I can't quite scratch, you could say. I think she can explain it better than I can, and since I need to go meet the doc, she'll have to be the one to do it." Cici looked somewhat unsure about what I implied, but I stepped in close and whispered, "Remember, it's just xenophilia."

"We can… talk," she finally said, turning her gaze down to Dash.

"Wonderful! Now, I'll see you both later." I quickly grabbed all the bags with all of my gear and walked on out. I was hoping Dash would be able to get it on with a real woman before we got back to Equestria. Maybe Cici will be open minded enough to try it. And maybe—just maybe—I could continue traumatizing Melissa.

I set off down the hall, wondering what the other me wanted. My guess was that he was pissed about the bar incident. If he was, he would probably try to search my mind.

There were considerably more people in the halls this time, though not enough to make them feel crowded. I smiled at all the women I passed, wondering if any would be easy picking. Some of the ones in lab coats looked interested, but I don't know if that was to study me or to fuck me.

Either way, none of them greeted me. It was honestly kind of awkward, and I felt happy to get to my destination. "So whataya need, Doc?" I asked, sitting in the chair in front of him.

"You're early," he said, leaning back.

"Yeah. A friend of mine was having sex in my room. I figured it would be nice to leave her be."

"Yes, I heard about you and that… friend. Disgusting." I felt my eyes narrow slightly, but I didn't rise to the bait. He continued when I didn't say anything. "Due to security reasons, my sister can't be allowed in or near the facility. Letting you out poses a security risk as well, but it isn't really a risk to _us_, or at least it won't be once we pull some memories out of your nanites."

I lifted my eyebrows. "I get to go outside?"

"We're leaving in thirty. I trust you can hide those wings?"

"Yep. Hey, is there any way you could _not_ bring Jessica along? She fucking hates me for some reason."

"Someone has to make sure you don't misbehave. I'm definitely getting up in years, if you stealing my gun was any indication. Still… I'll try to find someone else. Someone that you won't flirt with."

"Oh come on, you can't have a road trip with just three guys." He gave me an Old Man look for that. I just grinned at him.

"Let's go," he finally said, standing. "If Jessica isn't going, we can leave sooner."

"I should probably tell my friends that I'm leaving," I answered, also standing.

"They'll be told through the intercom system. We should be back in a few hours, if all goes well." He led the way out into the hall. I followed next to him.

"And if all doesn't go well?"

"Then you better be ready to pretend to be God's messenger again, because that might be the only way we get out of it."

"Don't you worry about me. I've been in worse situations than just about anything we can find here."

"I'm sure." He pressed the button to call the elevator. "So why are you carrying everything?"

"So I'll have it with me whenever the spell wears off." The elevator dinged open and on we went. "What ever happened to… her, anyway?"

"Her who? There have been a lot of hers."

I sighed, looking away from him. "Lilith."

"Never saw her again. I'm over it, though. I'm married, got a kid, got a career… I wasted too much time regretting the past. I suggest you get over her, too."

"I know. You wouldn't believe the stuff I've had to get over already. What's a broken heart?"

"That's the spirit." The elevator dinged open and we stepped off, walking down the hall. "I figured you would have found some replacement for her by now. It's been six years for you, hasn't it?"

"I avoided it for a while, remembering the pain. When I finally let someone new in… Let's just say my heart wasn't the only thing that ended up broken. Watch out for princesses, man; they're fucking crazy."

"I will remember that, much good it will ever do me."

"Aren't you going with me when I come back for you guys? You'd probably meet her eventually if you do."

He shook his head. "My place is here. If something ever _does_ happen, I will help shepherd the remnants of humanity through the harsh times. That said, I will not let my legacy die out with me."

I snorted. "Well, don't expect me to continue it. I'm infertile."

"No you aren't." I had a moment of panic before he continued, "You just can't impregnate anything. You are a species all unto your own. No, that isn't what I meant at all. If I can't go, Jessica and her mother will. I am leery of trusting them with you, but the idea of colonizing the future is too much to pass up. And I suppose someone has to be in charge of security." _Oh great, I'll have to deal with her later._

"Then I hope she gets her panties unwadded. That attitude she has will get her in no end of trouble."

"I will have a talk with her before she leaves, of course." He stopped at an empty stretch of wall and pressed a few hidden buttons. A small door slid open.

"How do you see these damn hidden areas?" I asked.

"Contact lenses. They allow for a number of useful features." I looked around to find that we were in a barracks.

"Ooh. Could I get a set?"

"Yeah. When you come back. That'll be the same time you get a number of better toys. Until then, you've been given the bare essentials." _I bet I know a place I could go to get a set of those lenses._

"Whatever. If I die before I can get back, you have only yourself to blame."

"And wouldn't that be disappointing." He didn't even try to sound sad about it. "I need a fire team who isn't doing anything," he said to the troops around us. "We're going off base, incognito. Should be light duty. Anyone interested?"

"We're in," a voice I recognized said. I looked over to the one who spoke and saw Aaron with two other guys. "What equipment we bringing?"

"X-ray sniper, rail SMG, and an electro-rifle. Keep them broken down and out of sight. And make absolutely sure the scans won't pick them up. I do not want to deal with that kind of attention on the off chance we get scanned. Meet us in the transport bay in ten." The three guys saluted and Anon—God it feels weird to write that—led the way out.

"What the hell's a rail SMG?" I asked as we continued down the hall.

"Rail gun. It uses magnets to very quietly shoot. Its power can be turned up or down, meaning if we do need to get in a fight in a crowd we wouldn't have to worry about much collateral damage, or bullets going through people."

"And an x-ray sniper?"

"It fires a lethal ray of particles into a target, shutting down the body. It makes no sound and it will almost definitely kill whatever is shot. And an electro-rifle is a more powerful and accurate taser gun."

"Man, technology has come a long way."

"You haven't seen anything yet. And you probably aren't going to get to, since we aren't going anywhere big. If you could see New York—or Seoul, for that matter—you'd probably flip out."

"They can't be that different. It's only been thirty-five years. It would cost too much to change them as much as it would take to surprise me overly much in that short of time."

"Maybe. I suppose the most noticeable changes are in the places where there wasn't much tech when you left. But the history isn't important." We entered a very large open door leading to the massive transport bay. "I suppose I should tell you that you'll be asleep as we leave. Well, either asleep or very groggy. The stuff that we have would knock a seven hundred pound person on his ass, so we're assuming it'll work on you."

"Why?"

"So you don't know where our base is, or at least what the countryside looks like. It's an hour or two drive anyway, so you won't miss much."

"Meh. Just make sure no one molests me in my sleep."

"No promises. Do whatever you're going to do to hide your wings." We were walking to some large car. I reached into one of my bags and pulled the leather duster out, quickly slipping it on. My other self stopped and looked at me. "Really? That's your master plan? Put on a jacket that anyone can see bulging?"

"Give me a cane and I can pretend to be a hunchback."

"I hate you."

"Look, do you have any better suggestions?"

He crossed his arms, looking me up and down. "We could dress you up like a girl or something and say it's a fashion statement."

"Have you been talking to Rarity?" He just grinned. "Fuck you. Look, we probably won't be in public for long, right? If anyone asks, tell them it's a physical deformity. If the people here are anything like the people I left behind, they'll be too embarrassed to say anything afterward."

"Hm. I think I'm liking the idea of dressing you up better."

"Too bad. Unless you can get me a cloak that I can hide them under better, this'll be it." I looked over at our vehicle, which had heavily tinted windows. "And I won't even need it until we get there, unless we get pulled over. Until we do, I'd rather not wear it." I slid it off, stuffing it back into a bag.

"Suit yourself. Those security boys better get here quickly. I want to get this underway." Him and me both. I knew the clock was slowly ticking down on the time I was probably going to be pulled away. I was expecting it would be a few more days, but on the same vein I didn't want to take chances. For the first time in a long time, I felt anticipation for something. It was… a good feeling.

And then my asshole self had to ruin it by jamming something into my neck when I was looking the other way. "What the fuck?" I asked, jerking away from him and reaching to where I normally kept hidden weapons.

"That was the sedative. It'll take a few minutes to knock you out, since your blood is like syrup. And yes, I do mean syrup; while we were testing it, we found that it has a high sugar content."

"Well that's certainly interesting. I should probably be sitting down when this hits."

"Our guards are coming in anyway, it looks like. Just wait for them." I turned my head to the door and felt some dizziness. I saw Aaron and his two guys walking toward us, seemingly not carrying any weapons.

"Ooh man, this stuff is kicking in," I said, putting a hand to my head. "I wonder what it would do to a horse." It would be funny to use something like it on Celestia in the morning before she woke up. And maybe I could use one on the other two princesses as well, just to see what the ponies would do without anyone really in charge for a day.

"I imagine it would put one out for nearly a day, depending on the size. Of course, you won't be getting any of it right now." _Not legally, maybe._

"We ready to go, doc?" Aaron asked when he got close enough to us.

"Yeah. One of you is driving. One in the front seat. The rest of us will be in the back. There's plenty of room in this thing, thankfully."

He nodded. "Gleeks, drive. Phil, shotgun." Anon tossed the keys at the guy that was apparently Gleeks. "Uh, Nav? You feelin' alright?"

The sedative was finally kicking in. I felt the doc say something as I started falling. I think someone caught me halfway down, but I don't know for sure.

When I woke up, I found that my head was in a position I didn't much care for: in Aaron's lap. I tried jerking away, only to find my body wasn't responding that well yet.

"Relax, Nav," Aaron said, rubbing the top of my head somewhat creepily. "According to the doc, you'll be a bit out of it for a little while. Hell, we're surprised you're even awake."

"I'm not," the doc said from somewhere behind me.

"Yeah, yeah," he answered. "You'll get your damn money, you leech. Anyway," he continued, moving his hand to my wings to pet them, "we're almost there. Just keep trying to move. It should wear off faster that way."

I tried opening my mouth to tell him to stop touching my wings, but my face still felt numb. I was rather hoping Anon would tell him to knock that shit off, but when I could finally twitch my head his way, I just saw him smiling at my discomfort and blushing face. Thankfully, most of my body was numb so I couldn't really feel it, but still.

_How do you tell someone that they've been accidentally molesting you? Especially when you can't talk…_

Since trying to do so would be extremely awkward, I just worked on sitting up, trying to move as much of my body as I could. After a few minutes, my body started to wake up. Now, normally I would consider that a good thing, but I forgot one very important thing… You know how when your leg falls asleep, it gets very sensitive as it starts waking up?

Yeah, that was a very, very awkward boner. It took me nearly fifteen minutes after that sensitive phase to finally pick myself off of him. "I hate everything," I groaned as I leaned forward, letting my head rest on the driver's chair.

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked.

In a way, I wanted to tell him so he wouldn't do it again, but in another way I really didn't want to deal with that awkward situation. So instead I just sighed and said, "My body feels fucking terrible. If we got in some trouble, I'd be useless."

"Well, you do sound pretty slurred. If we get pulled over, don't open your mouth. I don't think you have an ID, so a cop would be quite suspicious if you sound drunk."

"Actually," the doctor said from behind me, "I have a stimulant right here that should pop him right back up. Your arm, please?" I sighed and held my arm back, sticking it over the seat. He grabbed it and I felt a prick in the crook of my arm. "There."

"So why did you wait until now to do this?" Aaron asked as I recovered my arm.

"Because you looked like you were having fun molesting him," the doctor said.

I heard Aaron jerk back into the door. "Molest? What?"

The doctor chuckled. "His wings. They're full of nerve clusters. Extremely sensitive, akin to a woman's clitoris."

There was silence in the car for a few seconds before the two guys sitting up front burst out laughing. Aaron was stammering something, trying to formulate a response. I was still leaning against the front seat, waiting for the stim to kick in.

"He's joking, right?" he finally managed to say over the laughter. "Your wings aren't… really like that, are they?"

I sighed and answered, "You aren't the first to do it without realizing, and you probably won't be the last."

"Why didn't you say anything?!"

"Because my mouth wasn't working."

"Not you, him! Doc, what's wrong with you?" I still wasn't looking up, so I didn't realize who he was talking to.

I imagine he shrugged as he said, "It was funny and he enjoyed it. I don't see what the problem is. He doesn't even seem to mind, honestly."

"He already told me he was straight! Why do you think I've left him alone? That is _not_ okay, Doc! Shit… I'm sorry, Nav."

"Not the worst I've been through," I said, finally feeling the hints of energy coursing through my veins. "Want to hear a story of a nice little kitty?"

"You're just… okay with this?"

"Again, I've been through worse. Here's the story of my time in Egypt…"

By the time we got to our little destination, I had finished my tale, I was overly full of energy, and all four of my travel companions were horrified.

"I wouldn't mind meeting that little pussy," the dude riding shotgun said, cracking his knuckles.

I grinned at his determination. "If you met her without a gun with that kind of attitude, it would end poorly. I didn't mention that she's a trained assassin who is very good at her craft."

"Man, if that's the kind of welcome you got in that place, why would you _want_ to go back?" Aaron asked.

"I got a daughter to feed and responsibilities to take care of."

"You? Daughter?" the other me asked.

"Yep. That's a story for another time, though. Looks like we might be here."

'Here' was a fucking city, as compared to the small town I was promised earlier. Though I suppose after getting back from Ponyland, a small town in my time would of course feel like a city. We were near the middle of it now, parked in front of some fancy hotel.

"We are indeed," Anon confirmed. "Get your jacket on. Gleeks, park around back. Keep an eye out for anything suspicious. Everyone else, le—Wait. Is there a pair of sunglasses in the glove compartment?" Phil popped it open to find that yes, there was. "Give them to Navarone." They were passed to me and I put them on, successfully covering my eyes and my wings. "Alright, let's go." The four of us piled out of the large car, heading up the stairs to the fancy hotel.

We got no looks on our way into the hotel and over to the elevator. No one paid any attention to me at all, not even to the bulge in the back of my jacket or the sunglasses. It was very nice.

When we got on the elevator, Anon continued, "I'll go in to meet her first. After a few minutes, I'll call you in, Nav. Any funny business and I'll shoot you."

"Then I should warn you that I'm allergic to things that hurt or kill me."

"Noted." The elevator dinged open and we stepped out, heading left down the hall. "Ah, room 401. Stand to either side, please." I stood on one side of the door and the other guys stood on the other, Aaron getting as far as possible from me. I assume he didn't want her to see us. Either way, he politely knocked.

A few seconds later, the door opened. I can't really detail my desire to peek in, but I knew doing so would be a bad idea. "Finally here, 'Non? You never were one for sticking to a schedule."

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

If I knew her still, she was crossing her arms as she responded, "By a few seconds. Come on in, and bring your friends with you." She could see our frames, but she probably couldn't make out any details."

"I have some words for you alone, first. Wait out here, you three."

We didn't answer as he walked inside, the door shutting behind him. Aaron walked over across the hall and slid his back down the wall, sitting on the floor. "So you have a daughter?" he asked, looking over at me. "How's that work?"

"Rescued her from Egypt. She's a cute little unicorn, but beyond fucked in the head. It's to be expected, from whatever she's been through."

"How old is she?"

I sighed, joining him on the floor. "You know, I don't even know. Those damn ponies never talk about age. It's… somewhat disturbing, honestly. If I had to give her a human age, I'd say eleven or twelve. She acts more like a fifteen year old, though." I sighed, letting my head lean back against the wall. "I wish she hadn't chosen to stay with me…"

"Why?" the other guy asked. "What's wrong with kids?"

"Nothing, as long as they aren't mine. But it's not for my sake that I wish she hadn't, it's for hers. I'm not a very good father, which probably explains why Anon's daughter is such a bitch."

"What do you mean?" Aaron asked. "I mean, I can't deny that Jessica isn't exactly easy to get along with, but what does one have to do with another?"

I assume they didn't know that I was Anonymous. And if they didn't know, it was probably good not to tell them. "Don't worry about it. You two have any good stories?"

"None as good as yours," Aaron said. "Tell us about the dragon."

I grinned and started telling them about the lovely Kumani. I was halfway into my description of her legs that go on for days when the door opened. "Come on in, Nav," the other me said.

I pushed myself up, trying to calm the heavy beating of my heart. I was about to see someone I thought I would never see again, someone I had been missing for years. If fate fucked me over here by sending me back, I would kill the first thing I saw in raw rage.

Thankfully, that didn't happen. I walked into the room, taking off my sunglasses so I could actually see. "It _is_ you!" Jane said from her position on the bed.

"Yep," I answered with a happy smile, very glad I wouldn't have to explain much. "Just about thirty-five years removed from things. How's your art going?"

"It isn't… What happened? How is this even possible?"

I sighed, sliding my jacket off. "I wish I could tell you," I said, stretching my wings. Her eyes jerked to them. "Yeah, I've been fucked over sideways and rebuilt more than once. I'm lucky I even look passably human. My new home has not been kind. But neither of us came all this way to talk about my personal hell. My daughter's a bitch, but what about my nephews and nieces?"

She looked at me for a few more seconds before slowly turning back to the other me. "Is this… some kind of clone? Is this what you're making at that mountain of yours?"

"If he is, he's not one of ours," he said, shaking his head. "And he's not a perfect clone, either. We tested his genes. He's not even human. As for what he said happened… He has nanites that are more advanced than anything anyone in the bunker had seen. They were able to show us all the information we wanted to see, despite not having been inside him for the entire time. And most of what he says checks out, too. As weird and strange as it is, he's real, a version of me removed during senior year of high school."

"It just… doesn't seem possible…" she whispered, looking me over.

"Well, we already know God doesn't exist, or if he does that he's an asshole. Who's to say our enemy isn't the only one with some insane powers?"

She snorted. "That talk again. You keep going o—"

Anon pointed at me. "There's your proof, Sis. Ask him anything. And even if we are wrong, so what? You know where the world is going. You know what it looks like. The damn Asians keep making demands and South America isn't staying quiet either!"

"Hey!" I shouted, getting their attention. "I didn't come across time, space, and several hundred miles to be used in a fucking argument! Yes, humanity is going to die. The fact that the ponies exist prove that. But if she would rather die with her family than trapped in a mountain like a rat, that's her choice."

At some point during that, Jane had jerked back. "Your eyes…" she whispered, looking into them. I met her gaze and attempted to soften my gaze. She sighed, looking away. "I know those eyes anywhere, even if they have been defaced. You're my brother, for better or worse." She looked back to me. "How?"

"If I told you magic, would you be upset?"

"A little."

I shrugged and said, "Then I don't know. I wish I had an answer. But I wish even more that it had never happened… But again, I didn't come this far to tell you about me." I nodded to my other self and said, "He can tell you all about me; he has the memories, apparently. How are things?"

If you know someone that wants to use you is reading your personal accounts of something that's so close to you, would you give them anything? Including, of course, your real name?

We were interrupted some time later by a fast knocking. Anon rushed to get it, knowing that if we were being disturbed there would probably be a reason. "We got trouble, Boss," Aaron said.

"Shit. Nav, get your coat on. What kind of trouble?"

"Gleeks ain't sure, but there's something going on. We got cops coming in."

Anon nodded. "They wouldn't send cops for us. Get locked and loaded, but keep it hidden. It's time for us to make a hasty retreat. Whatever they're searching for, we don't want to be found." Aaron pulled a micro SMG out of a coat pocket and a magazine from another. He slid it in with a sexy click and racked the slide back.

While he was doing that, I was reaching around to one of my wings before putting my coat on. I gently plucked a feather loose, ruffling my wings at the sting. "To remember me by, for whatever you think I'm worth," I said, handing the feather to my sister. "I'll probably… never see you again," I sighed, looking away.

"That you got to see me at all is a blessing," she said, pulling me into a hug.

What do you tell someone that you know you'll never see again? "I love you," I whispered before pulling out of the hug.

"Minä rakastan sinua," she answered, smiling.

I met her smile with my own as I threw my jacket over my wings. "Shoulda figured you would go for a foreigner. Watch out for the feds, sis." I slid my sunglasses on and nodded to myself. "Ready to go."

Anon nodded back. "Good. Jane, the offer still stands. Now let's go." He pushed past Aaron, who had hidden his piece. "Where are they entering?" he asked as I followed him, not looking back. I had the desire to see her one more time, but I knew it would only make it more painful.

"All sides," Aaron answered. "Looks like a standard raid. Without more people on the inside, I don't know which floor they're hitting."

"It won't be this one," he answered, walking away from the elevator. He casually reached out and pulled a fire alarm as we followed him, sending a harsh ringing sound through the halls. "Tell your man to be ready to drive immediately. We need to get gone before the firemen respond."

Doors were starting to open as people looked into the halls, trying to figure out what was going on. When they saw us, a few poked their head back in while some others joined our small exodus to what was hopefully either a fire escape or a stairwell.

When we got to the stairs, we had a small tail following us and a larger group ahead of us. "I hate stairs," the older me sighed as he started walking down them.

"That's what you get for being old," I answered, not minding them in the slightest.

"Don't make me smack you." I just grinned and continued following him, Aaron or Phil close to my back so no one saw the unnatural shapes under my jacket.

Thankfully, the stairwell had a fire escape that people were slowly filing out of. We joined the line and quickly found out why the pace was slow: The police were watching everyone exit, presumably searching for someone in particular. They were rather heavily armed for normal cops, so I assumed we were dealing with SWAT. Thankfully, they let the four of us through with nothing more than hard looks.

We casually walked to the parking lot, trying not to look like we were in a hurry. We made it there easily enough, thankfully. "Of all the times for a damn raid," Phil sighed as we closed the doors of our vehicle.

Anon said, "They weren't looking for us and that's all that matters. Let's get out of here."

Our driver nodded and pulled out. We quickly ran into a problem: The entrance to the parking lot was cordoned off. The cops were checking IDs before letting anyone out.

"Ideas?" the driver asked, pulling us into the short line.

"Two come to mind," Aaron said. "First, gunning it."

"Can't," the doc said. "The other idea?"

"Take our seats. This might work."

I lifted an eyebrow as I slid over the seat. "You're going to try hiding me?" I asked, situating myself in my new seat. Anon took a little longer to get over. When he did, Aaron wasted no time joining me.

"Something like that," he finally said as the car in front of us moved out of the way. Before I could ask what he meant, his arms wrapped around me and suddenly he was kissing me. My eyes shot open in surprise, not at all expecting this outcome. In hindsight, it makes sense, and surprisingly enough it even worked. He somehow had his tongue in my mouth before the doc tapped him on the shoulder.

"We're through," he said, humor in his voice. Aaron finally let me go, pulling away. "That was definitely a… unique way of getting ignored."

"It worked," was his answer to that. "Sorry, Nav. It was the first thing that came to mind."

"Still not the worst thing I've been through," I sighed, looking out the window. "Until you've had your throat explored by a freakishly long changeling tongue, you don't know about strange make-out sessions."

"I sense another story," Aaron said, pulling his gun out of one of his pockets. He quickly unloaded it and popped the round from the chamber.

"I suppose. You want to hear about the queen I fucked or my sexy little changeling maid?"

"We got time for both," one of the guys up front said.

I shrugged and did my best to settle back with my wings still hidden. "Then let me tell you about the time I met Queen Chrysalis and helped save all of Equestria…"

I woke up some time after the trip back on my bed. The doctor had, of course, put me to sleep some time into the drive. When I did wake up, I found that my pillow was different from the one I had been using.

"About time you woke up," Dash said from her position under me. I assume she had been watching me sleep, as creepy as that was. "Cici was just… awesome," she sighed. "Took her a few minutes to warm up to the idea, but when she did… You're the best bro ever, Nav." I couldn't exactly answer since I was completely numb, so I just blinked a few times, still trying to get my body to turn on. "Yeah, that soldier guy said you wouldn't be able to move for a little while. He wanted to leave something to make you wake up, but apparently the doc—whoever that is—told him that it could make your heart explode from having too many of them or something. I told him you were too tough for that, but he just told me to watch out for you. Also, he left a note."

I grunted and closed my eyes again, just trying to move.

She snorted. "And you call _me_ lazy! You're already trying to go back to sleep!" Sleeping would be nice, admittedly, but I didn't think I had any of my stuff on me and I would rather have it on or near me in case I disappeared. Also, I had stuff to do and being stuck or asleep wouldn't be helpful. "You know, I gotta say that I expected you to know how to take better care of your wings by now… So messy. You don't mind if I help out a bit, do you?"

I, of course, didn't say anything.

"Didn't think so. Hold still." _Because I'm going anywhere._ She gently took my upper body in her hooves and slid out from under me, lowering me onto the bed. After she made sure I was fine, she hopped up and got to where she could easily pick at my wings.

I couldn't see what she was doing, but after a few minutes I could definitely feel it. I sighed in contentment as the drug slowly wore off, letting me slowly shift into a more comfortable position. I was very much getting into it and wondering if I would finally have my first wing-gasm when the fucking door slammed open.

"Ooooh Na—What are you doing?" Rarity asked, barging in.

As soon as Dash heard the door slam open, she jumped off the bed as quickly as possible. "N-nothing!" she stammered, probably turning bright red.

"That was definitely not nothing," Rarity said, walking in further. "Did I perhaps… interrupt something?"

"No!" Dash quickly answered.

"Hm… If those outstretched wings on the both of you mean anything, I think I was!"

Dash was trying to come up with a response when I slurred, "Come. Off. It. You. High. Class. Bitch." My voice still wasn't working very well, but I was able to finally push myself to a sitting position. When I was able to see Rarity, I couldn't tell if she looked concerned or affronted.

"Are you alright?" she finally asked, her concern winning over the fact that I called her a bitch.

"He's fine," Dash answered for me. "He just got drugged earlier. I was _trying_ to wake him up."

"…Huh. The lives you two lead… Well, I was going to get him to take me into town, but I suppose I shall have to wait."

"Fancy?" I asked.

"Gone. He's at some manner of gentlestallion's club. I was invited, but I believe I would like to try something that I can't find at home."

"Twenty. Minutes," I managed to force out. I figured I could get ready in that time.

"Well, I suppose I need to prepare anyway. I shall wait for you, then. Behave yourselves, you two!" And with that, little miss killjoy left.

When the door clicked shut, Dash turned back to me with a shark's grin. "Now where were we?"

I love being me sometimes.

Some time later, I found myself agile enough to move around again. My steps were halting and I knew I would need a hand on Dash's back to keep me steady, but I was once again mobile. My first order of business was finding all of my bags and shit. After that, I read the note Aaron left me. It was an invitation to a club. Drinks on him, to make up for accidentally molesting me and then purposefully molesting me.

In hindsight… Well, hindsight is twenty-twenty.

"Melissa, you there?" I asked, slipping the note into one of my many pockets.

The intercom clicked on and she sighed into it. "Yes?"

"Do you know how I can get in contact with the intercom dude named Ryan?"

"No."

"…Do you want to go on a date?"

There was silence for nearly ten seconds before she said, "Not just no, but _hell_ no."

Dash giggled. "Dude, shot down _hard_."

I shrugged. "Love you, too." I didn't specify who I was talking to. "Ready, Dash?"

"You know it! I can't wait to find out what normal humans consider a party!"

"You're sounding like Pinkie," I scolded, achingly walking to the door. "We just need to pick up Rarity and drop her off wherever she's going."

"Probably some frilly frou-frou place for some fashion stuff," she joked, joining me in the hall.

"I certainly hope so. She needs to drop this creepy anime thing I accidentally got her in."

"Creepy what thing?"

"I don't know, something about cartoons for little girls. People her age shouldn't be into that shit, you know?"

She just shrugged as I went to knock on Rarity's door. She opened it a few seconds later. "Are you _finally_ ready?" she asked.

"Rarity, what's the orange shit on your nose?" She went cross-eyed trying to look at it. I bent in, narrowing my eyes. "Is that… cheeto dust?"

"Why yes, I suppose it is! That kind young stal—er, man on the intercom suggested them to me."

I rolled my eyes and rubbed it off her nose. "You keep eating that shit, you're gonna get fat. Come on, let's get going."

She huffed as she fell into step with me and Dash. "I will _not_ get fat, thank you very much."

I smiled and said, "Yeah, it might be too late. Just look at those flanks!"

Her face turned bright red as she glared at me. That glare slowly grew uncertain and concerned as she cast the occasional furtive glance to her ass. Eventually she stopped and just looked back. "OH CELESTIA, IT'S TRUE! I'M CORPULENT!"

"Well, at least you're honest," I said, giggling.

The very bruised shin I got was worth it.

When Rarity finished having her fit about how I'm supposed to compliment a lady and always make her feel pretty, we continued on our way.

"So Dash," I said as we were waiting on the elevator, "do you consider yourself a lady?"

"Psh, no."

"So how would you feel if I called you pretty?"

"Kinda weirded out, actually."

"Rainbow! You should take compliments with grace and poise!" Rarity scolded. "I shall demonstrate. Navarone, if you would."

I idly scratched at the hair growing in on my chin. "I don't know… It's hard to think of a compliment for you." I let the sour look come onto her face before continuing, "I mean, you already know you're one of the most beautiful ponies out there and you have dozens of suitors to tell you that, so there's hardly anything someone like _me_ could tell you that you don't already know." And there was the shocked look on her face that I was expecting. I grinned and finished, "So where's that grace and poise you were mentioning?"

She quickly shook her head, breaking away from her shock, and sniffed. "Well, that was hardly a normal compliment…"

"Oh, so you're blaming me for your lack of grace. Typical woman; blame the man when something goes wrong." The elevator dinged open and we stepped on in, Rarity trying to defend herself and me not paying attention. "So what floor are we going to?" I asked when she stopped talking.

She huffed and poked one of the buttons. Of course, since she had hooves, that had the dual effect of sending us to three other floors. When Dash and I glared at her, she turned away, her face burning bright pink.

"So where are you going, anyway?" Dash asked as the elevator opened on the first of the four floors she pushed in.

The doors slid shut and Rarity answered, "A small store somepony suggested to me."

"Fashion, I assume?" I asked.

"Well, no. I've learned some about your fashion already, from watching your movies and some anime."

I sighed, rubbing at my face. "Rarity, no one dresses like people in anime or in movies. If you try copying styles from those, you'll probably get laughed out of every place you show them off."

She smiled. "I don't mean normal, everyday clothes, Nav. No, I have something… different in mind. And based on your reaction to Rainbow Dash last night, I believe I have a market in the more… erotic branches of clothing."

I was silent for a few seconds, trying to get that through my head. "Holy… you're going to make pony lingerie?"

"I am certainly going to try, yes. I admit, this isn't something I particularly want my name on, but I believe the profit might outweigh the potential stigma."

"So wait, this shop we're going to… Is it a panty store or something?"

She flinched back before saying, "No! I wouldn't bring a stall—er, man to one of those with me! Or at least, not somepony I wasn't planning on modeling for…" She sighed before continuing, "No, this is something else."

I shrugged. "Well, as long as it's not some weaboo anime place, I'll be fine."

"…Right."

"God dammit, Rarity." We were currently standing in front of some weaboo anime place. I could barely see into the window past all the posters and shit.

"This is not _just_ an anime shop, Navarone," she said, trying and failing to abate my massive disappointment. "They sell all manner of… mangas and… cosplay? I think that's what Ryan said."

I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose. "Dash, you wait out here. This place would sap your aura of cool and awesome right away. I shouldn't be long."

She was probably getting that vibe too, based on her somewhat apprehensive look. "Yeah, I think I'll do that. Just uh… don't take too long."

"Oh posh! Navarone, you're exaggerating. If you're going to be this immature, I can just go in without you."

I pushed the door open and walked in. The three guys standing around the store doing things looked up as I walked in. As soon as they saw me, their eyes drifted to my wings. _The first one of you fucking mouthbreathers that compares me to some anime figure will get punched in the kidney._

"Sup," I said as Rarity walked in behind me.

One dude that I swear had to be seven feet tall smiled. "Ah, Navarone and Rarity. It's good to finally see you in person!"

My eyebrows lifted in surprised. "Ryan?" I asked.

"In the flesh, for once." As I said, he was monstrously tall. He was also about as skinny as a pole. He looked awkward as fuck, but I figured I could get him laid if I went about it right. "I was starting to wonder if you would come by."

Rarity stepped forward, smiling. "I told you I would, darling. Though you look quite a bit taller than I was expecting."

"Yeah… I get that a lot. I gotta say, I'm surprised to see you here, Nav."

"I'm just here for two things. The first, an invitation. Me, Dash, and some guys are going to a club. If you want to make good on my offer, you're welcome to come."

His smile deepened for a moment before his eyes flicked to Rarity. "Uh… How long do you think you'll be there?"

I crossed my arms. "I don't know. But if you give me, say, an hour or so, I might can have some targets scoped out for you."

"I can do that. It shouldn't take long to get Miss Rarity squared away."

"And that brings me to the second reason I came here. If you fuck with her, I'll give you a choice of punishments. One is getting punched in the face. The other is me walking through the shop, mispronouncing every title in the most horrible way I can and then asking how they are compared to DBZ." All three of the guys flinched at the second one. "So yeah. Treat her like you're supposed to treat your mother. And yes, that includes hiding the hentai."

Rarity turned to me, an interested look on her face. "What's… hentai?"

I looked up to Ryan. "The name of the club is the Twisted Stem. Don't leave us waiting long."

"Don't you worry. I'll be there!" I barely heard his whispered, "Hopefully…"

I nodded and turned to walk out of the shop. As the door swung shut, I heard one of the two redshirts say, "Did that guy remind you of a shorter Sephiroth?" I clenched my kidney punching fist before I remembered that Sephiroth was from a game, not an anime. _You win this time, mouthbreather._

"Come on, Dash. Time to get our drunk on."

"Finally!" I think she was in a hurry to get away from the staring eyes that were constantly probing us. To be fair, I was as well. We started walking back to the elevator. Thankfully, the note included directions from the elevator from our room. Based on those, we were able to find it from where Rarity had taken us.

"I have a good feeling about this," Dash said, looking at the large and bold entrance to the club.

"Strange… I have a bad one. Well, here's hoping."

"So what's with the name, anyway? Cherry stem?"

I grinned. "It's a human thing. A girl proves that she's good with her tongue by tying a cherry stem in a knot with her mouth."

"No buckin' way."

"Hey, maybe if we're lucky we'll both find out. Now let's get in there."

I led the way to the door, where a bouncer was standing with his arms crossed. He had been staring at us since we got into sight, and I couldn't tell if he was happy to see us or not. "You finally coming in?" he asked, not moving.

"I was planning on it," I answered.

"Alright. But I'm warning you right now: You start any of the shit that happened at that carpet muncher bar, we'll come down on you _hard._ You got that?"

"Don't start trouble, got it. What if trouble finds me?"

"Then we'll talk. And another warning: Watch out for the boss. She's not what you'll expect."

That just deepened my bad feeling, but I nodded. "Thanks for the warnings." He stepped out of the way, letting me and Dash inside.

My first impression of the place after stepping inside was… _full_. Not just in that there were a lot of people there, but the place felt right, like I was supposed to be there. Fulfilling, in a way. That should have been the second sign that I might be making a mistake.

"Yo Nav!" I looked over to where I was being called and saw Aaron with one of his squad mates. He waved us over. As I walked further inside, I noticed that Dash and I were getting a number of looks. Since that was to be expected, I paid them no mind. "I was hoping you'd come by," he said in a more normal voice when we got close. "Sorry about the whole, you know, molesting you twice thing."

"Water under the bridge, but I'm not saying alcohol won't help me forget."

"Good. Phil, Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash, Phil." He was introducing the two of them. "What do you two want?"

"White Russian and Skittles Vodka, if they have it," I answered. Aaron rapped his knuckles on the bar and a tender walked over. When the order was relayed, the bartender wandered off to fill it. "Dash, you're going to love this shit," I said.

"You mentioned skittles earlier," she said. "What are they?"

"Candy. I'm glad they're still making it."

"So am I," Aaron answered. "So, anyone catch your eye yet?"

"Quite a few," I said, finally sitting down on the stool next to him. "I got a nerd I gotta take care of before me, though. I told the intercom guy I'd get him laid. How hard will it be to find a girl to break in a virgin?"

He smirked. "Dude, you've never been to a club before, have you?"

"Not a human one."

"Trust me, then: It won't be a problem at all. As soon as he gets here, get him a drink to soothe his nerves and then do the first thing that comes to your mind."

"Got it. If only he was into guys. I'd set him up with you."

He shook his head. "Nah. Virgins are too clingy. If it was a chick, sure. But I don't want a relationship with a guy that goes past the occasional fuck. By the by, since you haven't been to a club before, you should probably know how things work. If you're here looking to fuck, use a coaster, like Phil. It's just a little signal that lets the guys and gals know you're looking—or waiting. If you're gay, use a yellow one. Straight, blue." Phil was using a blue one. "If you're just here to drink, no coaster needed. If you need to leave the bar for any reason and you can't take your drink, put something over it. That's the sign that you'll be back."

"Sounds easy enough," I said, nodding. "Dash, you catch all that?" I saw that she was already fiddling around with a yellow coaster, waiting for her drink. She was also eyeing up the large number of people around us, many of which were surreptitiously looking our way. I bent in and whispered, "No offense, but you might want to make sure they know you're a mare."

"What?" she asked, flinching slightly. "Isn't it obvious?"

"To me, yes. To them, maybe not. If you aren't used to seeing ponies and horses, you can't tell just by looking at them. You talking should be enough." She hmphed at that. I was saved more explaining by the bartender dropping off our drinks. He didn't know who to give what, I assume. I took the Russian and passed the vodka to her. "That stuff'll be strong," I warned her.

"Can't be worse than the apple stuff you made."

Aaron laughed at that. "You made applejack?"

Dash's head jerked that way, almost making her spill her drink. "You know Applejack?"

"No, he doesn't. Applejack is the name of the alcohol I made. It's also AJ's name. Confusing, I know. Now, a word of warning if you do decide to go off with a random barfly: Be careful. You'll probably be fine. Try not to freak her out with that weird thing you ponies do."

"…What weird thing?"

"With the winking and all." She just rolled her eyes and tried her vodka. I reached around behind me to grab my drink on the bar, but found my hand in someone else's. I turned around to find a very disturbing sight.

"Little angel, fallen to Earth…" The woman in front of me was decked out in black leather. "Wherefore has gone thy mirth?" She was wearing a microskirt with tight fishnet stockings all the way up. "Little angel, from the sky…" The corset she was probably wearing was pushing her generous bosom in a position that I quite enjoyed. "Come and seduce me with a lie…" Her ivory skin had a nearly pearlescent glow. "Little angel, I do see…" Her straight black hair, black lipstick, and dark eye shadow sharply contrasted with her skin. "That you quite desire me." From her hand on mine, I could feel that her skin was silky smooth, never having seen a hard day's work. "Little angel, I would love…" Her voice was seductive: Breathy and deep, a succubus's whisper. "To dominate you like a dove." And her eyes were ruby red, staring into my soul.

What. The. Fuck.

"Well, that is the best greeting that I have _ever_ gotten," I slowly said, trying to get control of myself. I have to admit that my first urge was to say 'Yes please' and go wherever she demanded, just to see what would happen. I got over that and instead shook the hand that I still held in mine before bringing it in for a kiss. "Charmed, mashiara."

"Best for the offer, or best for the rhyme?" she asked, her voice losing its implied lust.

"Both. Usually my permission isn't asked before the whips and chains are brought out. I suppose you already know my name. Could I have the honor of yours?"

"Rebecca. The offer stands, my wingéd love. What'll it be? Do you desire a night of passion and lust unrivaled anywhere?"

_I don't know about that._ "How long will you be here? I have a friend that'll be coming by soon and I need to help him out. After that, we can talk."

"Talk, talk, talk… My little angel, I want to _scream_. And I want to hear the moans an angel makes, fallen or not."

"I can't promise I'll moan like an angel, but that won't stop me from taking you to heaven."

She smiled toothily and answered, "An offer I love to hear. I'll be here all night, though it might not be me in charge. Just ask any bouncer to direct you to Elise, and you'll find me there."

_Ooooh fuck._ "Elise?"

She blinked and when her eyes opened, they were a dull green. She blinked three more times, going from green to blue to pink to red. "She's the original, but tonight is mine." She leaned in close, whispering, "And soon it'll be ours."

"I look forward to it. Until then." With a brief nod of her head, she left our little group.

"Duuuude… You fucked up," Aaron said, looking at me with pity. "Elise, sure. I think Rogers is celibate or something. Molly's too young for that stuff. But Rebecca?" He shook his head sadly. "You're stuck here, now. I don't think the bouncers would let you leave, after agreeing."

"They'd be hard pressed to stop me, especially if Dash is backing me up. But she seems reasonable enough, if somewhat dark." I finally was able to get some of my white Russian down. "I think I can handle her."

He shrugged, taking a shot of whatever he was drinking. "On you. I suggest a few more of those if you're seriously going to consider it. I figured someone a little more loving would be right up your alley."

"If I wanted loving, I would be with Fluttershy. I want down and dirty sex."

"You're in the right place." I looked around to find that Phil had disappeared on us, leaving a blue coaster behind.

"What do you think, Dash?" I asked, looking over at her. She was presumably scoping targets out.

"I think I want to join you with her," she said, looking some other chick up and down instead. "Hey, what's with some mares wearing pants and some wearing dresses?"

"Skirts are easy access, if you know what I mean." Based on her grin, I think she definitely knew. "If you're looking to get laid, you're probably going to have to be the one doing the approaching. Stick around as long as you want. I'll probably hit up the dance floor eventually. These beats are… something else."

"Oh shit, you aren't jacked in!" Aaron said when he heard me. "No wonder you're so calm."

"…What?"

"Ugh. It's an implant kinda thing. And if you had the contacts, you'd also be able to get some of the effects. Basically, it lets you _feel_ the beat. Look at the dance floor." I did, and noticed after a second or two that there was actually a rhythm in the movements. "If you have the right implants, you can 'jack in' to the music and the other cues. There are lights, smells, and sounds that you can't even notice right now."

"Well that certainly sucks. Ah well. C'est la vie." I finished off my drink and felt an extremely strong kick in my head. "Holy…"

"What's wrong?" Aaron asked, looking over to see me holding a palm against my temple. "Surely you aren't already drunk." I didn't answer for a few seconds and he eventually came up with an answer on his own. "Ooooh fuck! Dude, I forgot that you can't mix tranqs with alcohol! You are in for one wild night…"

"I've been through worse," I sighed, setting the empty glass behind me. "Did I tell you about the time I got drugged in Canterlot?"

"Is now really a time for another story?"

"It's short. I got drugged. I fucked _everything_. I remembered nothing. I had to walk back to my room because my wings were so full of gunk that I couldn't fly."

"Hot."

I sighed, letting my hands fall. I popped my neck, trying to avoid the swirling daze the room was becoming. "This is going to be fun."

I don't feel like describing the next hour. I didn't have any more alcohol and I slowly felt better as time went on. Around the half hour mark, Dash left with some slut. I didn't even catch her name, I just knew Dash was getting laid. I hoped for her sake that the slut didn't have any STDs.

I did a number of things that included dancing with and grinding on a number of chicks, passing on a few offers of sex, getting molested a lot by people feeling up my wings, and a few other minor enjoyable things.

I was taking a short break at the bar when the tall and awkward Ryan showed up. "Where's Rarity?" I asked as soon as I saw him alone.

"She decided to stay with the other two." If my mind hadn't been fucked sideways, I would have immediately went to go find her. As it was, the thought never occurred to me.

"Well, whatever." I tapped my knuckles on the bar. "Whiskey and coke on the rocks, if you would," I said to the bartender. He nodded and went off to get my order. Word probably got around that I was with Rebecca or Elise or whatever she was calling herself. Either that or Aaron was still buying. "We're going to get you laid, man."

He gulped unsteadily. "That easy?" he nervously asked.

"That easy," I confirmed. The bartender dropped off my request and I passed it to Ryan. "Down that. Small confidence booster."

"Uh… I can't… Well, I'm not _supposed_ to…"

"Dude, it's one drink."

"Well, us system admins, we're not supposed to ever get drunk."

"You can't get drunk off that tiny bit of alcohol. Drink it." He sighed and lifted it up to his mouth. "I see what you're about to do, and you're going to do it wrong. Don't sip it. Down that shit, fast and hard." He licked his lips and sighed before doing as I ordered. As soon as he swallowed it, he set the glass down on the blue coaster I set out for him, choking and sputtering. "It's a good burn, yeah? Alright, you ready?"

He nodded, still trying to stop coughing. I let him catch his breath and say, "Yeah," before I hopped off the stool.

I looked around the room and called out, "Hey, who wants to break in a virgin?" I made sure to be loud enough to be heard over the music.

Ryan choked again as everyone looked our way. "What are you doing?" he hissed.

A small group of three chicks walked over, each wearing smiles. "We'd be interested," the one up front said. "Who's going to get the honor?"

"My friend here," I said, waving an arm at Ryan. "Do be gentle."

She licked her lips, looking him up and down. "I've heard things about the tall guys. We'll break him in and he'll love every second." Her two friends each grabbed one of his arms and pulled him out of his seat. The leader grabbed a fistful of his shirt. Together, they dragged his surprised and stammering form away.

"That was easier than I thought," I said to myself, sitting back down and turning around, about to order something else. I came face to face with Rebecca instead.

"I see you took care of your friend," she said, her eyes flicking toward where he was being dragged into a small private room.

"I'm ready and waiting for your ministrations… mistress." Stupid, probably. Fun, hopefully. Worth it? Well, let's just say that there are limits to what I want to put in my journal.

I did learn a few things, though. One, that tongue piercings are awesome. Two, that she was a goth and had a thing for corruption, meaning my wings were dyed black. Three, the Cherry Stem was connected to the illegal club and Elise owned both.

And finally, I learned that it's never a good idea to fall asleep handcuffed to a bed with someone that only gets control of their body every four days.

I woke up to a shrieking in my ears and tried jerking away, only to realize that I probably wasn't going anywhere in a hurry. The nude and sexy bottom of Rebecca disappeared out the door before I realized what was happening. _Fuck._

A few seconds later, she walked back in, talking to herself. I saw that her eyes were red again. "Sorry about that," she said after a moment. "It's Molly's day today. I was hoping she would know better by now." I grunted. "Yeah, yeah." She reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the keys and set about unlocking me. I removed the gag from my mouth as soon as I had the chance.

"That was certainly unique," I said, working moisture back in my mouth.

She grinned and said, "I would offer to go again, but I think Molly's getting impatient. She might demand a tea party if you're still here when I let her take over."

I quickly hopped out of bed and found my clothes. "I'll get out of your hair quickly, then. Maybe if I'm still here in a few days, I'll stop by again."

"I'd definitely like that. Before you do go, would you like to meet the others?"

I debated it internally as I put my pants on. Finally I said, "Well, it would be rude to not meet my hosts."

"Well, you already know me. I'm around eighteen or so. Molly is eight or nine, I think—you better keep your pony friends away from her. Elise is in her middle twenties. She's the original and it's her body. Rogers is… Well, do you happen to know who Mister Rogers was?"

"Yeah. I loved that guy. Don't tell me… Is he based off Mister Rogers?"

"He is. He and Molly tend to go off and do things together while I'm… entertaining guests. I'll introduce you to him first."

She blinked and her eyes opened blue. S/he looked down at himself and sighed. "I always tell her to be more careful around Molly." His or her voice was much more even and calmer than it had been, though it had the same pitch. "Hello there, Navarone. I'm Mister Rogers, as she said. I handle the management and the finances of the club. It's may not be what I'm used to, but if it makes people happy and it keeps the others satisfied, then I'm happy to help."

"How close are you to the real Mister Rogers?"

"Very."

"…Can I hug you?"

He opened his arms and I went in. "No homo," I said as I hugged him.

"Mister Rogers has left the building," Elise said, pulling back from the hug. "Or at least, the active part of it. I'm Elise." Her eyes were a dull green. "I handle everyday life, when the others aren't or can't cover it."

"What's it like, sharing your body like this?"

"Well, I was terrified of it at first. I was one of the first people to try accepting the 'disorder' for the blessing it was and molding my mind around it. I kept thinking I was going to mess up and either get stuck with one of the more violent ones or murder all of them, but it ended up working out very well."

"But what's it _like_, I mean? Where do you go when you aren't the active one?"

"We can watch, if we want. It's always interesting to see what the others do with my body. And if I ever need to step in, all I have to do is ask them." She walked over to a pink clothing drawer and pulled out some very girly clothes. "It's different, but it means that I can have three other people working on a problem at once. I'm never lonely and I can always offer a fresh perspective on any kind of problems. If I was actually trained or built my mind around intelligence rather than personality, I could probably be one of the richest people on the planet. But… it's Molly's turn now. Can you put on a shirt?"

"Yeah." I started pulling it on. "So you're just okay with Rebecca using your body like that?"

She grinned. "Who's saying I wasn't watching—or helping?"

With a blink, her eyes changed to pink. "Hi! Sorry about screaming at you… That big meanie pranks me every time it's my turn. At least this time we weren't connected by anything. Oh yeah, I'm Molly! Where's your pony?" Her voice was much higher, now.

"I don't know, actually. I need to find them all."

"Ooh, can I come?"

"…Uh. Ask Elise."

One of her eyes went green while the other stayed pink. "Can I go with Navi?"

I shook my head slightly, trying to get Elise to say no. I really didn't want a grown woman with the mind of a little girl following me around to fuck with my friends.

Elise seemed to have gotten the message, because she answered with her voice, "I'm afraid not. You know you have a play date with Hunter today."

"Oh yeah!" The green eye went away and both became pink again. "Maybe we can play later?"

"Maybe, if I'm still around." I could pawn her off on Rarity or something. "It was nice meeting you, Molly. Could you point me to the way out?"

She pointed behind me, where I saw a very large man with his arms crossed, ready to smack my shit in. "Right this way," he said. I followed him through some halls, making no hostile moves. "Thank you for visiting and whatever," he said, showing me out the door. For some reason, I got the feeling that her personal bodyguards didn't like being woken up early in the morning by screams.

Thankfully, her room was located in the illegal part of the club, so I was shown the door to the black market area instead of the place I would be found and turned in for breaking curfew. Honestly, I had no idea what to do. Going back could mean my stuff would get taken away, while staying out for even longer could mean that my punishment would be worse if the damn spell didn't wear off as fast as I was expecting.

I decided to give it a few hours, since I was lost anyway. I roamed around the black market, looking for the med bay. I was definitely regretting my lack of a shower and that I hadn't been able to clean the dye off my wings.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance. When I finally went to ask for directions, I felt a pulling sensation. I looked around, trying to figure out who was trying to get my attention.

When I looked behind me, I came face to tentacle and went flying into a unicorn. I heard the screaming kick in again and knew that I was back in Equestria.

I picked myself off the pony I had been thrown into and reached into my bag. I pulled out the base of my rifle and started putting it together while the unicorns attempted to fend off the monster.

Oddly enough, right as I loaded the magazine in, the monster just completely stopped. "What's going on?" Dash asked, looking at it.

"No clue," I answered, casually aiming my gun at it. I wasn't about to take chances, after all. I looked around to make sure all four of us were accounted for. I knew Dash was here. I saw Fancy Pants looking ready to charge the monster. I saw Rarity with saddlebags full of what looked like shitty comics. She was behind Fancy Pants, looking somewhat ready to charge.

"You know," she said, looking at the tentacle monster, "that thing reminds me of one of the things those kind fellows showed me."

Dash and I looked her way. "They… They showed you tentacle porn?" I asked. I was wishing I could go back to hurt them, at that point.

"Well, I was curious about hentai. They taught me _quite_ a lot…"

"There are no words for my disappointment," I sighed, shaking my head. I rolled my shoulders and looked at the monster. "So what do we do with this thing?" I asked aloud, hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it.

"It worked?" one of the unicorns asked, looking at us. "It worked! We sent them back in time!"

And just like that, the incident with the monster was seemingly forgotten. It was quickly ushered out by some guards as we were barraged with questions.

Of course, the fun ended prematurely when some royal guards showed up in the large summoning room. "Navarone, Prince Shining Armor requires your presence immediately."

I slung the rifle over my shoulder and nodded. "Alright. Where's he at?"

"We'll lead you to him, sir," the same guy said.

"Cool. I just need to grab something from the locker here and I'll be good to go." I walked over to the locked chest and took my ring out of it. "Alright, lead the way." The guards walked past me to the entrance hall of the giant floating rock. "Dash, feel free to go home without me. I don't know when I'll be back."

"You got it. But… what happened to your wings, man?"

I grinned. "Rebecca." She just shook her head as I followed the guards.

It was quite a long walk to the castle, and most of it was in silence. "So how did you guys even know where I was?" I eventually asked.

"The guards we have stationed at the gate informed us you were going toward the tower."

I shrugged, taking that an acceptable answer. The walk of silence continued. I got a few strange looks for my wings, but for the most part I was ignored. It was a nice contrast. I think I preferred being home, but constantly getting stared at was annoying as hell.

When we finally got to the palace, they led me to Shiny's office. As soon as they knocked on his door and announced me, I was immediately ushered in. "Sit, N—Sweet Celestia, what happened to your wings?!"

"A night of awesome sex." I sat down in the chair in front of his desk, setting the bags I had been carrying next to me. "That's a story for another time, if you really care. What do you need?"

He sighed, looking down at his desk. "To apologize, first off. Sulking off after the games was unbecoming of anypony, let alone the captain of the guard and a prince."

"Chill, man. I know how it is. Now that you got your panties unwadded, I can start teaching you how to fight a real war."

"What? Nav, nothing you did in those games was anything approaching something that I would expect to see in a 'real war.'"

"Yeah, and that's why you lost. If you wouldn't expect it, what makes you think anyone else would? I mean, if you don't want to learn, I'm okay with letting the night guards win every war game in the future. Just have fun taking heavy losses in any actual war that crops up between you and anyone else."

He sighed. "Very well. But it can be later. I have other news. Princess Luna and her night guard found and eradicated the den of assassins that were going after Cadance and Skyla. Can she stay in your fortress for another month or two while we make absolutely sure that all loose ends are tied up?"

I sighed. "Another few months of a crying baby that despises me and wants to make my life hell? And Skyla too? Come on, man."

"It'll feel like just a few days, Nav. Please?"

I rolled my eyes. "Have them gone before fall ends. Hell, what happened to going to that little place Celestia was giving you as a fief?"

"Postponed until this disaster is dealt with. Honestly, I don't think either of us really wants to go, but it's what Celestia wants."

"You should tell her to fuck off. That's what I would do."

"Not everypony is as suicidal as you are, Nav."

"Their loss. Is there anything else you need? I want to get back before Luna wakes up or Celestia learns that I'm here."

"I don't know why you want to keep avoiding them. Well, actually I _can_ understand why you want to avoid Princess Luna. She was rather displeased with me after the war games."

"That's what you get. I'm heading home, then. You got any messages for Lovebutt?"

"Just my love."

I stood up, grabbing my bags. "I'll make sure to give her a kiss for you, then." He snorted as I opened the door and ran right into a familiar night guard that was about to knock. "What do you need, Smiles?" I asked as I stepped into the hall.

"Princess Luna wants to see you," he said.

I started walking aimlessly down the hall, trying to get away from Shiny's door and the guards on it. When we were far enough away, I stopped and said, "I will give you the best kiss you've ever had in your life if you tell her that you were too late to find me."

"I dunno, Nav… I could lose my job for that."

"If she fires you, I'll hire you. I need a security guard and a house sitter."

He looked up and down the hall nervously. Finally he said, "Deal."

I knelt down and brought a hand behind his head, pulling him in. I then proceeded to use all the combined skills I had gained from numerous lovers to give him the best make-out session of his life. When I finally pulled away, I saw that he was standing at full mast, ready for some action.

"Now, I need to go," I said, standing up. "Remember, you were too late to find me."

"…Right," he sighed, his eyes still closed.

I started sprinting down the hall looking for an open window, my bags and shit bouncing around me. I jumped out the first one I found and started the long flight home.


	79. Chapter Seventy-Seven

**Chapter Seventy-Seven**

I landed in front of my house, stretching my wings. That had been the most exercise they had gotten in a while, and they were still reeling from the abuse they had taken from the night before. It was weird, having lost a week like that. Equestria lost no time while I had been gone for a week. If it had been a year or something, I would be a lot happier to be home.

Anyway, I stepped inside my home, setting my bags down on the couch to stop them from digging into my shoulders. I popped the magazine out of the rifle and set it down as well. I never chambered a round, so I didn't bother popping it.

With my back relieved, I walked into the kitchen to grab a nice beverage. I didn't know where anyone was or if they were home, so I wasn't really all that surprised to find Cadance and Doppel in the kitchen. They were staring at each other.

I knew nothing good could come from interrupting them, so I just walked to the fridge to look for something. I grabbed something worth drinking and turned around to find both of them staring at me. I turned around and started walking back to the living room.

"What did you do to your wings?" Cadance asked.

"Found a chick with a fetish," I answered, stopping and turning back around. "Shiny sends his love, or something."

"So he finally spoke to you?"

"Yep. You need something?"

"We need a stallion's opinion on something."

I turned around and waved. "See ya." I walked on out to get my stuff.

They followed me, of course. "Come on, Nav!" Doppel said. "I know you're not a stallion, but you can still help."

"Look, I know there's no way I can come out of this without getting in trouble. Just give me a break."

They both rolled their eyes. "Which race is prettiest on average?" Cadance asked. "The females, of course."

I sighed, plopping down on my chair. "Any race?"

"Except for humans, because we all know who you'd pick," Doppel said.

"Cats," I answered, taking another sip. "Dragons have the big problem of growing up. Ponies are alright and their flanks are awesome, but they have the problem of being animals where I come from. Changelings are freaky as fuck, but they have the nice corruption fetish thing going on for them. And Chrysalis's voice is too sexy to turn down, so there's that. I don't really have any interest in dogs, personally. Their voices are annoying and most of them are more cruel than I'd like to deal with. I've only seen a single minotaur in real life, but I never spoke with him. All of the other herbivorous races have the same problem as ponies. Naga are ugly as fuck. Griffins have a lot of natural beauty, but the talons are cause for concern. Cats look relatively close to humans, they're smaller than I am, most of them are close to my personality, they're graceful, and they have a number of other good qualities. I don't like the claws, though. What's this even for, anyway?"

"Miss Equestria," Cadance answered. "As it turns out, one of the entries this year was a changeling. I think she should have been disqualified automatically. Doppel thinks she should have been allowed to stay if she used her natural body. That got us thinking about having some kind of… world-wide contest or something like that."

"Oh, a Miss Universe pageant. Those are boring as fuck, but they always cause a ton of scandals that are funny to watch."

"You have something like that in your world?" Doppel asked.

"Yep. Don't ask why."

"But… I thought there was only one sentient race on your world?" Cadance asked.

I ignored that question. "Shouldn't be that hard to get Celestia to set something up. Just tell her that it's for better relations or something around the world. And I want nothing at all to do with it." Though I suppose their answers would have to be better than "world peace," since the world was already at peace. "Hey, either of you know where Taya or the naga is?"

"The backyard," Doppel answered. "How does the contest work in your world?"

"I don't know. I told you, it was boring. I didn't care about it. Now, I got some important stuff to do. If Taya needs me, I'll be in my office. If anyone else needs me, use polite words to tell them to fuck off. That includes Celestia and Luna."

"What's so important?" Cadance asked. "Is it something about these bags?" She poked at one of them.

"It's neither important nor your business." I hopped up and walked over to the couch, slinging the bags and the rifle back over my shoulders.

"What is that thing, anyway?" Doppel asked, pointing to my rifle.

"A new toy of mine. I'll see you two later." I walked on up the stairs, leaving them presumably sharing looks and shrugging behind me. I locked myself in my office and sat at my chair. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before whispering, "Flo? I think we need to have a talk."

"We do," she confirmed, finally breaking her silence.

"I think you know the obvious point I want to make," I said, feeling my hands clench.

"Navarone, I am a young elemental. I was created not long before the war. Not all of our history was given to me. I didn't know, Nav!"

"You 'don't know' that you're a fucking robot? That you're nothing more than a mass of machines built for some undetermined purpose? I don't know how you expect me to believe that."

"It's true, Nav. I… I don't know about any of the others, if they know. I just know that I didn't! Please don't make me leave, Nav… Don't leave me alone in the darkness again…"

I don't like being misled and I don't like being lied to. I could deal with whether or not she was telling the truth later, though. If she was a human artifact, it was my duty to break her and the others free. And if any of them did remember, then as soon as I saved them, they would definitely be in my service.

I reached down into one of the bags next to me and pulled out the laptop. I opened it up, turned it on, reached down into another bag, pulled out the gene-locked seed box, opened it, and stuck the memory stick from it into what I was hoping was the right port on the laptop.

I spent three hours copying all the instructions that weren't common sense for all of the plants I was about to give to Applejack. It was tedious, boring, and would hopefully pay off. When I finally finished it, I realized that I could have been listening to music that entire time. I opened some good stuff and started playing it.

That done, I opened the rifle specifications page and copied out all the details about the bullets and the magazines. I was going to give the page to the blacksmith in the hopes that he could make something fine enough to work so I wouldn't have to mold my bolts to work.

And finally, I wrote a short letter to one Vinyl Scratch, asking her to bring herself and Octavia to my new home, under the incentive of making some serious fucking bank. When I had that done, I shut the laptop down and locked it in my desk. I grabbed the letter, the box of seeds, the instructions, the specs page, and a single bullet and walked out of my office, locking the door behind me.

"This is going to bring attention to yourself, Nav," Flo said. "No matter how careful you are, Celestia is going to find out eventually."

"I know," I answered as I left the house. "But as long as I'm careful and don't make too many mistakes, by the time she finds out it will be too late."

"Daddy, who are you talking to?" Taya asked from her position on top of the wall where I couldn't have seen her. The puppy was sitting right next to the wall where she was, so I should have expected it.

"The voice in my head. You want to go on a walk?" She teleported next to me and the puppy bounded over. "Let's go, then."

"What don't you want who to find out?" she asked as we started walking to Applejack's pad.

"I don't want Celestia to know that I went back to Earth and got some things that she doesn't need to know about."

"…Huh."

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know. Something about me, I guess."

"Well, if it makes you feel any better, there is a lot of stuff I don't want you to know about either."

"Like the voices in your head?"

"Yes. Anyway, don't tell anyone at all that I got back to Earth. Hopefully, none of the fuckers that went with me will say anything."

"So… what happened to your wings?"

"I thought it would look cool." I'm not about to tell my daughter I found a sexy bitch that wanted to play with me. "The dye will hopefully run off soon." Which reminded me that I really needed a shower.

"It doesn't really look cool at all," she said, looking up at them.

"Well yeah, I know that now. I didn't know it before. Not important, though." We walked in silence for a minute or two before I asked, "What do you normally do for fun, Taya?"

"Uh… Read? And magic. The naga is teaching me all kinds of survival stuff. I also go on walks."

"That's really depressing. But I guess if that's working for you, it's working. Are you sure you don't want to go to school?"

"Yes." I let the silence build, wondering if she would slowly crack. When we were almost there, she said, "Well… It does get kinda boring sometimes."

"Hmm?"

"I mean, I don't think I really want to go to school or anything… but something else to do would be nice."

"You should take up gardening."

"…Why gardening?"

I shrugged. "We have a large, empty yard. Might as well fill it with pretty flowers. You see Applejack anywhere?"

We took a second to look around before deciding that we didn't see her around the immediate area of the farmhouse. "So how do I get started on… gardening?" she asked as we walked to the door.

"I have no clue. We can stop by Rose's shop or something when we go into town." She's jumpy, but she's good at gardening. I knocked on the door and waited a minute. When there was no answer, I shrugged and started walking away.

Taya jumped to follow me. "Where are we going now?"

"Into town, of course. I need to talk to Applejack, I need to stop at the post office, I need to stop by the blacksmith's place, and you need to visit Rose or one of the other sisters." Not everyone in town was overly happy that I had a timber wolf pet, but they got over their jumpiness as soon as they realized he wasn't going to attack anyone.

"So what's in the bag?"

"Stuff I need to give AJ."

"Oh… Did you get anything for me?"

"I got a lot more books, some music, some pens, and a few other things you might like. I couldn't think of anything you'd want specifically for yourself, though." Well, less that I couldn't think of anything and more that I didn't think about getting her anything at all. She didn't need to know that, though.

"What's a pen?"

"A very convenient version of a quill that doesn't require constantly redipping the point in ink. Long story short, it's something that will make me richer when I sell the idea. Hell, I have a lot of things on the laptop that'll make me a load of dosh."

"…Laptop?"

"I can show you later. It's impossible to explain without letting you see it. Needless to say, no one needs to know about it. Especially not Twilight."

"Okay, daddy."

As we were nearing town, Rainbow Dash landed right next to me. "Nav, we might have a problem."

"What kind of problem?"

"The kind of problem where Rarity doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. She's telling all the rich ponies in Canterlot about that anime stuff you kept talking about."

"Son of a bitch. Is it too late to do damage control?"

She sighed, looking behind her to the mountain with Canterlot on it. "It took me a little while to find you. She started as soon as we got back into town. It might not get to the princess, but what do we do if it does?"

"_We_ do nothing. This is my fault. If there's fallout, it'll hit me and me alone. Hopefully the social elite of Canterlot will side with Fancy Pants rather than Rarity, and this shit will die off instead of flourish. If it doesn't… Maybe we can pass it off as something that I told her about instead of something that came from Earth."

"Nav, she had a set of saddlebags full of books of that stuff. I don't think most of those books featured ponies."

I sighed, rubbing my face with a hand. "I can make it work. Who knows? Maybe we're just overreacting." I knew we weren't, but a guy can hope. "Did you happen to see Applejack on the way in?"

She pawed at the ground, looking down. "Nav, are you sure you want to just risk this? Shouldn't we try and stop her?"

"Dash, it's too late. We could try to do damage control, but it would be like pissing on a forest fire. Rarity is infinitely more popular than we are, and if someone like you or me went there and told everyone to ignore her, they'd probably do what she's doing just to spite us. We'll have to rely on Fancy Pants and common sense to save the day."

"So this is going to spread," she sighed.

"Like the plague," I confirmed. "Again, have you seen Applejack?"

"At the market," she answered. "If we aren't going to bother with Rarity, I'm going to go pay Pinkie a visit…"

I gave her a filthy grin. "Have fun."

She blushed and flew off.

"What was _that_ about?" Taya asked.

"Rarity being a stupid fucking bitch," I answered. "So no different than normal." I reached into one of my pockets and pulled out my coin pouch, removing a few bits. "Go on to the flower shop. You'll be bored if you have to listen to me talk business with AJ."

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Well, I suppose I can give it a try…" she finally said, using magic to take the bits. "I'll see you later, daddy."

I knelt down to hug her before walking to the blacksmith, since it was closer. Derpy bumped into me on the way there and I gave her the letter for Vinyl. Thankfully, the blacksmith said he was able to make the bullets I would need, though he said he'd have to pass the specifications for the magazines to a friend of his that did more fine stuff.

Finally, I got to the market. I found Applejack at her stall, waiting for customers. I hmm'd at that, thinking of something as I walked over. "Hey AJ, you got a few minutes to talk?" I asked.

"I reckon I do," she said. "Business is slow."

"Before we get started, I need your word that this is going to stay a secret."

She shrugged. "Easy enough, though I don't see what the big deal is. You have my word." I reached into my bag and pulled the finely crafted box out. She blinked when she saw it. "Well I ain't never seen nothing like _that_ before."

"I'd be surprised if you had. This here is a gene-locked box, made by and for humans. How I got it and what is inside is not important. In this box are seeds of plants from my world, seeds to remake the world in the event of a disaster. Almost every kind of fruit, vegetable, grain, and everything else you can imagine is represented inside. Instructions for growing those that aren't common sense are also in here. I'm giving these to you because I know you can handle this. You're smart and have enough common sense to keep your mouth shut. The things in this box can get you enough money to quadruple the size of your farm and hire all the workers you want, if you so desire. I'm asking you right now: Are you interested?"

She definitely looked interested, if the way she was staring at the box was any indication. "What's the catch?" she asked after about half a minute of deliberations. "I know how you work by now, Nav. You're generous, but you always have an angle."

"And that's exactly why I want _you_ to do this. The catch is that I get some of the crops when I need them. Coffee, food, stuff like that. I won't ask enough to do any real damage to your sales. I just know that you have a green thumb that I can take advantage of, and this way everyone gets to benefit."

"…Let me see the seeds."

I pushed my thumb against the locking mechanism and the box clicked open, revealing the seeds inside. "I also don't know how they'll react in the atmosphere," I said. "What I said was the best case scenario. It's possible they'll wither and die. It's possible they'll bloom like nothing you've ever seen. I would love to find out."

She was looking in at the seeds. "This is… a mighty interestin' proposal, Nav. Why can't I tell nopony?"

"Because as I said, _you_ know how not to ask questions. Anyone else would ask more questions than I'd want to answer."

She sighed, adjusting her hat with her hoof. "I have to ask just one, then: Did ya do anything illegal to get them?"

"Nope. I bought them fair and square." Well, as far as I was concerned it was legal, or at least it should have been. Though I suppose since we had to go to the black market to get them, it might have been illegal to someone.

"Well… Alright. I'll see what I can do, Nav. I'll have to break the stand down now if I want to… Hm. Are any of these winter crops?"

I shrugged. "I wasn't paying attention as I wrote the instructions. It's all in them, though. I also relabeled all the seeds in Equestrian."

"Then I reckon I should go get started on reading. Thanks for this, Nav. Hope I don't let you down."

"If you can't get them to grow, no real loss. I got the entire crate for a bit. You got a place to store all the seeds? The box is useless to you, but it's gene-locked to me so I can still get some use out of it."

"There's room in the stall. What's a… gene-lock?"

I helped her empty the box as I said, "Genes are what make up every living organism. They're our building blocks, the things that make us who we are, instead of something else. It's hard to explain without going further into biology."

"It sounds interesting, but I never much was one for that fancy learning. Just ain't practical, you know?"

"Well that right there depends on what you consider practical." I closed the box with a snap. "If you had the biology background to start crossbreeding apples, you might make a new species or something that's worth eating. But I suppose with your good friend Nav looking out for you, that won't be as much of a problem."

"It does seem an awful lot like cheating…"

"It isn't." I slid the box off the stall and into my bag. "Good luck, Applejack. I believe in you."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, thanks for the vote of confidence. I'll try my best."

"That's all I can ask." And with that, I was on my way back home, the puppy merrily following behind me. I _still_ hadn't thought of a name for that damn thing. I think I was more hoping that he would eventually wander off into the woods.

"That's not going to happen," Flo told me. "You really should get used to him, Nav. And he'll definitely prove to be useful, if his growth rate stays constant." He had nearly doubled in size since I had found him. I was assuming the fighters were supposed to be fast growing and quick to mature, so they can easily replace losses when going after the larger prey.

"How about Joe?"

"You aren't going to name your timber wolf Joe, Nav."

"What's wrong with Joe?" I had a feeling she would be giving me a glare if I could see her. "Fine. What about Hopper?"

"While I appreciate the reference, I don't think it fits."

"Balto?"

"Some originality would be nice, Nav."

"Yeah, and 'originality' is what led to calling myself Navarone. What's wrong with reusing names?"

"Navarone is hardly original. Now shush, we're being followed."

_Yeah, by a puppy._ "Fuck it, your name is Freki now. Congratulations, Freki."

And then there was Pinkie. "Oooh, you finally named him? You know what this calls for?"

"Me going back home and you going about your day in a way that doesn't involve me?"

"So… you're saying _you_ want to host the party?"

"I think Rainbow Dash was looking for you, Pinkie."

"Oh, I know. But she smelled a lot like you and that's when I remembered that I hadn't seen you in nearly a week and then I set her up and went to find you and here you are and why are your feathers black?"

"Pinkie, I saw you just yesterday." _Well, as far as she knew._

She looked at me doubtfully and answered, "If you say so. So what happened to your wings?"

"Necrosis. It can only be cured by taking a shower within the next twenty minutes. I should hurry. Have fun with Dash."

"But what about your party?"

"I would rather you didn't go through all that trouble just for me. There are plenty of people out there that are more deserving."

"But fewer that need a smile more!"

"What if your parties don't make me smile?"

"Then I need to keep trying different themes until I find one that does! I've already marked off a good number of them, but I have even more left to go!"

"Look, I don't want a party. You know me better than that by now, Pinkie. You need to look over there, because it's a distraction." I was pointing back the way we came.

As soon as I said it, she jerked her head that way and said, "Ooooh, what is it?"

I grabbed the wolf, spread my wings, and took off into the air. I sighed in relief when I landed in front of my house with no sign of Pinkie. After letting Freki jump down—to his reluctance—I opened the door to find Pinkie again.

"So your place or mine?" she asked. "We gotta have this party somewhere!"

"Tell you what, I'll give you a one in ten chance." I put both hands behind my back and held up a few fingers. "Guess the number of fingers held up and I'll play your game."

"How many guesses do I get?"

"One."

She put a hoof to her chin, thinking hard. "Is it… four?" I pulled my hands forward to reveal five fingers held up. "…Did you cheat?"

"Of course not. Now run along, Pinkie. Unless you know anything about gardening, that is."

"I know all about flour! But… well, nothing about flowers. Why not baking instead?"

"Because Taya has Cadance to teach her to do that. All I know about gardening is that you dig a hole and put a plant in it. Now why am I standing outside the door for this? And why are you still here? Shoo! I have things to do."

"Like what?"

"Like taking a shower."

"Need somepony to wash your back?"

"I'm fine, thank you." I finally pushed past her into my house. "Why don't you go Pinkie somewhere else? I heard Diamond Tiara and that silver bitch are always grumpy. Put a smile on their faces, or something."

"I'm not allowed to see them anymore… The restraining order is pretty lenient, but I can't risk it."

"So what you're saying is that I should hang around those two?"

"Psh, no! Don't be silly! Then you wouldn't be able to be around your best friend Pinkie!"

"…Not seeing any downsides here."

"You'd also have to deal with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon."

"Hm… Well, I'll think about it. Anyway, out you go. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here." She sighed morosely and hung her head, slowly walking out. I casually slammed the door as soon as I could, right about the time she would be looking back to give me puppy dog eyes.

I turned back around to find Doppel in her maid uniform giving me a dirty grin. "Want me to help you wash your back, master?"

"Nah. I have stuff to do, or I would. Also, please don't go into my office for a little while. I have some stuff in there that I don't want fucked with."

"Yes sir." I was relying on trust, at this point. She said she preferred me to Chrysalis. I don't know if that was true, but I was hoping; I didn't want either Chrysalis or Celestia to know about the information I had on me until I was ready to deal with them both. The schematics on that laptop could revolutionize the entire planet—and if used improperly, they could drown the world in fire. Again, apparently.

I finally got upstairs and headed to my room when I got stopped yet again, this time by the resident pink menace. "Nav, can you watch Skyla tomorrow?"

"Nope." I just kept walking, because I knew this wasn't going to end well.

"Why not?"

"You know full well how I feel about that devil spawn. Get Pinkie to do it."

"Why not Doppel?"

I turned back to her, an incredulous look on my face. "Are you high? Do you really want a changeling to look after your foal, of all things?"

She shrugged. "Fine, fine. I thought you didn't like Pinkie."

"I don't. But that doesn't mean she's not good with kids. I know I'll probably regret getting the two of them together since both like to make me suffer, but that's probably the best solution for you. Now, I need a shower. Unless you feel like helping me, we'll have to cut this short."

"Okay then. Do you know where I could find Pinkie?"

"She left just a minute or two ago. You might be able to catch her if you hurry."

"Thanks, Nav."

Finally I was clear to take a shower. I was fully expecting the naga to be waiting in my room for something or another, but for once I was wrong. I finally got to take a shower and get that black dye off my wings. It felt good to see the right color in my peripheral whenever I turned my head again. It was also nice to hopefully not get a ton of people asking about what I did to my wings.

When I got back downstairs, I found Taya and Cadance talking about gardening. Taya looked over to me. "It doesn't seem that interesting," she said, poking at a tray of flowers on the floor.

"I never said you had to do it," I said with a shrug. "It was merely a suggestion. You have them now, though. Why not plant them, see what happens?"

"I can even help!" Cadance said, smiling. Both of us gave her a look that translated to _Bitch please._

Taya turned back to me. "Where should I plant them?"

"Outside. I don't know a thing about gardening. Didn't Rose tell you?" She looked away and mumbled something. "…Did you ask?" She whispered something. "Did you even talk to any of the sisters?" She silently shook her head. _Shoulda saw that one coming._ "You know, I was like that once. Shy. Not a fan of social contact. It took coming here to bring me out of that, and even then I still fall into old habits sometimes… I get that it's in your nature, something that you can't just turn off. But you have to learn to get over it when you need something. You have three days to make a friend that I've never seen you with before I talk to Cheerilee and put you in school." Her head jerked toward me, shock etched onto her face. "It's for your own good. I think I'll start counting time after you finish planting these with Cadance."

"But… What about my magic?"

"What about it? Twilight learned well enough while in school. I trust you can manage." I didn't mention that Twilight was in a special magic school.

"That's not fair!"

"Life seldom is. That said, I don't see how it isn't fair. Making friends is not that hard, and since you have three days you should have plenty of time to ask anyone to help you. I believe Pinkie will be here tomorrow?" I looked to Cadance for confirmation. She was smiling brightly at this turn of events, and answered my question with a nod. I looked back to Taya. "I'm sure if you ask her, she'll tell you all about making friends and offer to introduce you to anyone in the town you might be interested in meeting."

Taya looked like she was on the edge of tears. I didn't like doing something like that to her, but I knew she needed to learn to deal with other people in at least some capacity.

I knew I couldn't just leave her like that, though. "If I thought you couldn't do it, I wouldn't be telling you to," I said. I opened my mouth to say something before I realized what I was about to say. _You'll thank me for this someday._ I closed my mouth, remembering exactly how I felt every time anyone ever said that to me. Instead I said, "Cadance, I trust you can help her with the flowers and getting started?"

"Of course, Nav." Her horn lit up and the tray of flowers lifted up. "Come on, Taya. Let me show you how to make a pretty garden!"

Taya mutely followed her, probably still in shock. Her entire body was hanging low, her distress and fear apparent. I wanted to just reach down and hug her, but I knew that would defeat the purpose of my 'punishment.' Well, it _might_.

So lacking the option to do anything with Taya, I went to find the naga. I didn't want to get rusty from a week of no swordplay, after all.

The next day, I grabbed my laptop, the charger, the gun, and a few magazines and abandoned the house, considering it a lost cause all day. I knew that if Pinkie was going to be there watching Skyla, I didn't want to be anywhere near it. I also didn't trust my laptop alone in a building with Pinkie, though I'm pretty sure if she was really that interested, it wouldn't be safe anywhere.

I also had to avoid Rarity, because I knew that if I saw her I would probably shoot her.

And I did have something important to do anyway. With my laptop came a few of the pens I brought with me from Earth-that-was. There was a fellow called Filthy Rich in Ponyville that was looking for stuff like this to sell, and I knew he would pay a pretty penny for the idea.

I flew over to his larger than average house, hoping he was home and that I wouldn't have to spend hours hunting for him. It was still fairly early in the morning, so I figured I could catch him.

I landed in front of the house and knocked a few times, settling in to wait. Half a minute later his filly answered the door. Remember Diamond Tiara? One of the reasons she's such a bitch is that her dad is rich and spends next to no time with her, or so I assume. From what I've seen he tries to be a good father, but then who am I to judge?

"Can I… help you, Sir Navarone?" she asked, curiosity hidden in her voice despite her efforts to block it. There were a few reasons she made attempts to be nice to me. I'm rich, a knight, and the only thing that stopped me from being as powerful as her dad was lack of interest.

"Your dad in?" I asked.

"He's eating."

I shrugged and said, "I can just come back later."

"He probably won't mind!" _Overeager much?_ "I'll go ask him." Before I could tell her not to, she was already gone.

"Now why can't she act like that for anyone else?" Flo asked, swirling about in my brain.

_No one else is interesting enough, I suppose._

I saw Filthy coming to the door. "I assume this is important, Sir Navarone?"

I grinned. "We talked about this, _Richie._" He keeps calling me Sir, I start calling him Richie. Seems fair to me. He met my grin with his own. "Sorry to bother you so early. Just a simple business innovation. Should be enough to make you some nice money, if you're interested. The usual arrangements, of course." Namely, that I got a cut of the profits while my name was on no official documentation.

He pursed his lips, looking behind him. "This won't take long, will it?" he asked a moment later.

I pulled a pen out of my pocket. "It's a simple invention, easy to explain." I twirled the pen around. "I can probably get out of here in ten minutes or so."

He sighed. "You know the way to my office. I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Whoa now, if I'm interrupting something I can just come back. I know you don't get much time to yourself."

"No, I'm going to start this week off right. Hopefully that will include adding your latest innovation to the list of things I put out. Head on up. I'll be there soon, as I said."

"Alright…" He let me in and I walked up to his office, ignoring the trappings of success dotted about the opulent house. He wasn't the only one that wanted this done quickly.

After a few minutes of sitting around and twirling the pen, he finally came to his office area. "Before we start, can I get you anything?" he asked, sounding extremely tired.

"I'm fine. Kinda wanna get out of your hair quickly."

"At least some ponies still know the art of dealing with things quickly." He took his seat on the other side of the desk. "So what do you have today, Nav?"

I pulled out a few of the pens. "Self-contained quills. All the ink is inside, locked where it can't dry out." I passed one across the table. "Pull the cap off and test it." He somehow pulled the cap off the pen with his hooves, since apparently that makes sense. He looked the tip over for a second before shrugging and pulling some paper out of his desk.

He doodled something to find that the pen worked just as it was supposed to. "I trust you already have the specifications and requirements written out?" he asked, writing something on the paper. I pulled the pages out of my laptop bag and set them on the desk. "How long should it take to make these?"

"Depends on what you make them out of and the quality, of course. The ones I have are made of plastic and metal. I imagine you'll use wood and maybe metal. I'm sure you'll figure something out. I put on the specs how to make the clicker pens as well, if you're interested in that and can make springs easily. I imagine if you give this to a craftsman, they can have a working copy in less than an hour. After they get the first few copies down, the rest should come easily. Make them refillable or disposable, up to you. Just remember that I want my cut."

"Of course, though I still don't understand why you don't want your name anywhere on these inventions. Anypony can see they're from you. Why not confirm it?"

"Assumptions aren't the same as the truth. Anyway, you interested?"

"Very. I'll see that these get put into production soon. Do you need anything else?"

"Two things. First, the name and address of someone I can get in contact with outside of Equestria that can get something big off the ground for me. And I don't mean big as in life changing, I mean big as in _era_ changing. Second, I need you to take the week off because you look like shit, man."

He sighed, looking at the desk. It took me a second to realize he was looking at what he had unconsciously drawn. "That would… be nice. It isn't easy to keep a business running if I take time off willy-nilly, though."

"Dude, you're fucking rich, and you own the most successful store in Ponyville. You can take some time off and not have to worry about things. I'm sure your family would appreciate it." I waved a hand. "But anyway. You have any contacts for me?"

He shook his head. "I don't. All of mine are in Equestria. I can put the word out that you're looking, but it'll attract attention."

"Then don't worry about it. Attention is the exact opposite of what I want. I have an idea of what I can do anyway. Thanks for your time, man."

"No problem, Nav." He showed me out, letting the tiredness slow his movements. I saw his daughter peeking at us from a corner as I stepped out the door. I wasted no time getting away from his house, since I didn't particularly want to be seen leaving it.

I still had a few plans for shit to do, but most of them would have to wait a few days. Lacking anything else to do immediately, I flew over to Fluttershy's house and stole a cloud that was looming over it. I didn't want to bother her, but I did like listening to her sing. She refused to do it when anyone could hear, but when it was just her animals around she didn't have any problems.

When I got into position over her house, I didn't hear singing. I heard what sounded like… screaming, actually. I quickly loaded my rifle and got ready to eat some bunny stew, but I stopped myself from overreacting. I swooped down and poked my head in the window and saw Fluttershy frantically flying around with a bunch of animals that were itching and scratching themselves.

…_Fleas? _I knew that nothing good could come from offering to help, though I found myself wanting to do so anyway.

I managed to stop myself and instead flew away to find a better place to chill. Yeah, I'm a bad person, I know.

When I finally got to a comfortable and private place to sit for a while, I opened up the laptop and started looking around to see what exactly it had on it. I knew there was a lot of information, but I didn't know just how far it went.

As it turns out, it went _extremely_ far. Apparently Google was expecting humanity to have to reinvent the fucking wheel, and schematics for just about everything under the sun were on this thing.

_If I gave this information to Celestia or Chrysalis, I could break the world… And remake it in whatever image I desire. What to do, what to do…_

"Nav, it wouldn't be smart to give anyone this knowledge," Flo told me.

"I'm not thinking about the ponies or the changelings," I answered, looking over more information.

"I know what you're thinking, Nav. Giving it to the cats would be an interesting move, but you don't even know their capabilities. They probably have no industry at all. The griffins might be a suitable choice."

"They're too close. Inventions start pouring out of there and Celestia will ask some questions. I don't know much about the minotaurs or the dogs…"

"You know enough about the minotaurs to know that they don't have much power or many people. The dogs… are an unknown." There wasn't even any information about them in Twilight's library. "There's the option of not giving this to anyone. Assuming you make good on your promise, humanity will need to have something to offer to the world to keep from being overrun immediately."

"That is what the elementals are for. I have a decidedly more… selfish reasoning behind wanting to help you now. You are robots presumably created by humanity for some reason or another. If you're robots, you can be repurposed. I'm sure the role of protectors wouldn't be too much for you and your kin."

"…I don't think many of us would like to be _slaves_, Navarone."

"And you wouldn't be. As I said, you'd be protectors. When the time comes that humans don't need protecting anymore, I'm sure you'll be free."

"You're a fool if you believe that. And you're even more of a fool if you don't think they would do the same to you. I imagine that some of us could be convinced to help humanity get off its feet, but not all of us."

"Then I rather sorely hope they have ways of protecting themselves, or that I can keep them hidden long enough. The good news is that they probably won't be killed no matter what happens. But there are worse fates than death, as I well know." We sat in silence for a few minutes before I spoke again. "But that doesn't answer the question of what I do with this information. I want to wait and watch to see how the world progresses, but I don't know how long this laptop will last. There is no way I can copy down even a thousandth of this information. It would all be lost…"

"If I may? Navarone, apparently I am a computer. I might be able to… do _something_ to get the information."

I thought about it for a few seconds before shaking my head. "After Vinyl and Octavia get their fill, yes. But until then, I'm not going to risk it." I went over to the list of books and started looking through it. "What do you think we should copy next?"

"Why bother copying at all, anymore? You have more than enough money. Better to use the schematics to build useful things for the trip in your spare time. And by the way, you should consider hiring guards for both your house and your ship. If everyone that said they would think about going does end up going, you won't need as many, but more soldiers would be good to have."

"And it also means more mouths to feed. I will need at least one house-sitter, though. It'll have to be someone loyal to me, not anyone else."

"Naga?"

"I was thinking something a little more innocent. If I can get him, Smiles. If not, I'll ask Lyra and Bon-Bon. A healthy dose of implied threats and offers of cash should get them to agree. And maybe I can get the wolves to keep out external threats. Unlikely, but who knows?"

"Fluttershy can also probably help with that."

"Yeah."

"Speaking of Fluttershy and your other friends… have you decided when you'll tell them yet?"

"I won't tell most of them. I'm going to offer to let Dash and Spike go. I'm not going to tell anyone else. I'm just going to leave for the party… and then not come back. Or at least, not for a little while."

"Pinkie's the kind of mare that would track you down, you know."

"I know full well. I have plans for her."

"…You're going to bribe her with coffee."

"First I'm going to see what effect it has on her. I brought a few bags of it back with me. Snagged it when no one was looking. I expect it'll be interesting. I'll be watching from as far away as I can get through my scope. But hopefully yes, I will be able to bribe her into leaving me alone with coffee."

"Well, good luck with that. How do you think the others will react?"

"Indifference. Rarity and I are not on good terms. Applejack is just kinda there in the background. Hopefully Fluttershy will be over me again. I never really made much in the way of other friends…" Four years here and so little to show for it…

"And you're just going to throw away what little you _do_ have."

"Not all of it. Ponyville, yeah. Equestria even, sure. But I won't be alone and I will have Taya."

"Unless you can convince her to stay."

I sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Unless I can convince her to stay… I don't think making her get friends is going to work."

"I imagine you're correct. She's here to stay with you, for better or for worse."

"Think I should bring the naga?"

"That is _his_ choice, but you are free to welcome him. He would be useful, though I don't think he would enjoy the heights. And he definitely would not enjoy the cold."

"I'll talk to him about it. Gilda?"

"Useful, but impetuous. She'd be risky, but a fast flier and a good fighter would be useful."

"Spike?"

"Practically useless, but if you ever do need to get in contact with Celestia, he'll prove invaluable." _Though Kumani can apparently also do it._ "I know you just want to invite him to get him away from Twilight, to let him see the world. It's admirable, but I don't know if this is the best way to do it."

"It'll be his choice. Dash?"

"She'll say no. She would be useful, though."

"Anyone else you think I should take?"

"Mercenaries. Mercenaries that you think will stay loyal to you."

"So no one. I do agree that more soldiers would be nice, but that again raises the point of feeding them and making sure they obey _my_ orders. I'll keep an eye out, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll find some people."

"I certainly hope so…"

The next day, I found myself at the resident library. "Yo Spike, you doing anything important?"

He definitely didn't look like he was, lounging about like he was. "Nope. What do you need?"

"Want to help me prank Pinkie?"

Ten minutes later, I was eight hundred yards away on a cloud using my rifle scope to watch Spike give a steamy cup of sugary and milky espresso to a bemused Pinkie. She took the cup with the barest hint of a glance in my direction.

That was my first hint that I had made a horrible mistake.

The second hint was the horrific feeling of something _tearing_ when she took a sip of the drink. I imagine that if I could see her better, I would have seen her eyes defocus. In a flash, the rest of the coffee was instantly gone. I could see a blinding flash in my scope and pulled my eyes away from it to find a white pegasus with a blond mane right in front of me.

I jerked back from what looked like a copy of Pinkie in shock. I heard a voice say, as though from several mouths at once, "I have only yet begun to party!"

The next thing I knew, I was standing in a supermassive field, surrounded by thousands of similarly confused ponies. Then the music started.

That day went down in the history books as the day the party never died.

I resolved to hide the rest of the coffee as well as I possibly could.

A day after my unwanted encounter with Super Pinkie—nicknamed Surprise by those that didn't know any better—Taya brought someone by for my 'approval.' I was expecting either another filly or someone at least a little older than she was—not that that meant much to me, since I still didn't know anyone's age—but instead she brought by a somewhat familiar little colt.

"Featherweight?" I asked, looking down at the spindly little colt.

"Yes sir…" He sounded very uncertain to be talking to me. I had two guesses to what had happened. The first is that Taya bullied this poor kid and dragged him over here to pretend for a day to be her friend. I was hoping my other guess was more accurate, since it involved her actually making a friend.

I shrugged. "Well, I've never seen you with her before. I trust you two will behave?" I mean, he did satisfy the arrangement I had with her, until we were in private and I could deliver part two, of course.

"Of course, daddy!" Taya sounded too happy. I knew something was up.

I nodded and left them to their devices while I went up to my hidden safe to pull out my magic key. I knew I would need it to get her to tell me the truth. She may be relatively obedient, but she was also very smart. She had to know what a lie would get her if she was caught in it.

By the time I got back downstairs, the two of them were gone and the mail was here. I sorted through the numerous letters and things that proved that even in Equestria, home ownership was a bitch. To my surprise, I found a reply from Vinyl. "So soon?" I whispered, cutting the letter open and quickly scanning it. "Tomorrow? That was fucking fast." Still, it's good news for me. I wanted to get the stuff to them as soon as possible, so I could let Flo attempt her magic. _Well, I suppose it's not magic anymore, is it?_

Anyway, that gave me something else to do while I waited for Taya to get back. I needed to get some extra food and prep the guest rooms. Or I should rather say, Cadance needed to prep the guest rooms while Doppel went to get more food.

It's nice to be able to order a princess around. It's not like she had much else to do anyway; she spent most of her time pestering someone in the house, reading, or cleaning things that were already sparkling clean. Let me tell you, after a few weeks living with her and getting over her oddities, I found that she would probably be the perfect wife. I probably never would have considered marrying her, but if you were normal and looking for something nice, she would be it.

When I had a grumpy Doppel and a frumpy Cadance working on their projects, the naga and I went to the yard to beat the shit out of each other. Or at least, he got to beat me across the yard. I was definitely getting better, but swordplay isn't something you can learn overnight.

After a few hours of practicing, I dragged my sore ass into town. I still needed to apologize to Spike for putting him on Ground Zero and I also needed to see if the blacksmith had gotten anything done on my order or heard word back yet from his friend who could make the magazines.

My planned apology to Spike would be pretty easy. I just upgraded from my crossbow and now had an old weapon lying around that I didn't need. He had no ranged capability past his fire breath and he knew how to shoot my crossbow. To that end, I brought my rifle, the crossbow, and two quivers into town with me. I also brought a pen as a gift for Twilight.

I brought the rifle so I could test fire the rounds the blacksmith made. I wouldn't give the crossbow to Spike unless the new rounds worked as well as the old. I was hoping I could easily get them into the mags I had and that they would shoot just fine.

Thankfully, the blacksmith did have a few test rounds finished. Doubly thankfully, a quick testing proved that they worked just fine. Not so thankfully, the blacksmith's friend was not as quick to reply as Vinyl. He didn't have word yet on the magazines.

When I got finished there, I went on to the library. Twilight was there floating some papers around and taking notes on multiple pages at a time while reading from some thick tome. I didn't see Spike anywhere in the main room, but that didn't mean he wasn't in the library.

"Sup, Twilight?" I asked, stepping inside.

It seems I broke her rhythm, because all of the floating pages and writing quills immediately ground to a halt as she jerked her head up. "Oh. Hi, Nav. I never noticed how much free time I had before that ghost thing showed up and all of it disappeared. Now that it's gone again, I have so much time to do whatever I want!"

_And yet you spend it here, copying notes from some old book._ "Glad to hear it's not bothering you anymore, then. You interested in something I finally made from home?"

She immediately abandoned her position in front of the book and bounded at me. "What is it? Is it that thing over your shoulder?" Meaning the rifle, probably.

"No, that's not for you." I reached down to my pocket and pulled out the pen. "This here's a writing utensil. It's like a quill, but so much easier to use. You never have to dip it since all the ink is self-contained."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the pen was ripped from my hands. "How does it work?" she asked as she brought it close to her face, examining it front and back for any kind of hint to its function.

"See that little thing on one end? Gently push it in." She clicked the end of the pen, getting the writing part to pop out. "Put the pointy end to paper and just write." She used magic to pull one of her note pages over and started writing on it.

"Sweet Celestia! Nav, this can revolutionize writing as we know it! Do you _know_ how much easier notes will be to take now?!"

"Yes, I do. That's why I already have Filthy Rich working on making more. That pen right there is for you to keep and use, one of the originals. Just know that it'll run out of ink eventually."

"…Why didn't you make any of these sooner?"

I shrugged. "Didn't think about it. Just don't tell anyone that these pens came from me, alright? I don't want that kind of attention."

"Of course, Nav. But anypony that knows you and anything about the humans will probably know that this is from you. You humans always seem to have such interesting, pragmatic ideas… Why did we never think of this?" I just shrugged as she continued to study the pen. "Say, what are these markings?"

"Hmm?" She floated the pen back over my way and rotated it until the 'markings' were facing me. "That says Google—Gentlemen's Club. You can't read it?"

"Those are _words_? Nav, they look like cave drawings to me."

…_That's a problem I hadn't foreseen._ "Huh. Well, it's not really that im—"

"What's a Google?"

"A googol is a very large number. I think it's a one with a hundred zeros. Again, not impo—"

"Why does your pen have cave drawings that I can't read but you can that say something about a large number and a gentlestallion's club?"

"Because reasons. Look, is Spike here? I want to talk to him."

"He's still a little sore from the Pinkie incident. It's a good thing he's a dragon and very resilient. He should be upstairs. But I want to know more about this pen and its writings. Nav, is this a different language where you're from?"

"Yes. It's Spanish." No it's not. "That's probably why you can't read it and why it doesn't translate to anything you're familiar with."

"…Then why were you surprised that I couldn't read it?"

"Hey, you guys know what English is. Maybe you could also read Spanish."

Her eyes narrowed slightly, but she nodded after a second. "Okay. So what's that over your shoulder?"

"A crossbow. I know you've seen it before." I started walking to the stairs, tired of her questions and wanting to avoid the one I knew was coming.

"That other thing isn't a crossbow," she said, looking dead at it.

"Twilight, you need to get your eyes checked." I didn't even stop walking.

"Then can I look at it closer?"

"Nope." I was finally to the stairs and headed up them. I thought I might be about home free when I heard the pop of teleportation and found her standing in front of me, a curious and slightly manic look on her face.

"Celestia told me you were making more things from your world, Nav. Things like _weapons._ Is that one of them?"

"Nope." I used my wings to jump over her, but she teleported in front of me again.

"Then why are you trying to hide it?"

"I'm not." And then I was in Spike's room, which had previously been my room. I saw him lying on the bed in the dark room, attempting to curl up. When I poked my head in, he groaned. "Spike, you up?" I saw one of his head spines twitch and I knew he heard me. I walked on inside. Twilight was unhappy about being ignored, I'm sure, and I knew I would be getting it when I tried leaving. "Sorry about making Pinkie do that right in front of you, man. I had no idea what would happen."

He groaned again, more spines twitching.

"I don't speak Groanese, sorry. I'm going to assume you just said, 'Don't worry about it, bro. It happens.'" He twitched again and groaned some more. "Yeah, you'll be fine." I kicked the door shut so Twilight wouldn't listen in. "I got two more things to say before I leave. First, I don't need my crossbow anymore. It's yours if you want it, along with most or all of the bolts I have for it. I'll leave it in the closet so Twilight doesn't see it right off the bat."

He actually tried rolling over and sitting up to look at me for that one. He got to the rolling over part before seemingly giving up. By the time I saw that, the crossbow was already in the closet along with the two quivers.

"The second thing is an offer of sorts. I don't want to make the offer without you being able to talk, though. Whenever you don't feel like shit anymore, come find me." He grunted again and I figured he got the message. "Also, I pissed off Twilight so I'm going out the window. You look like you need some fresh air anyway."

He sighed as I walked over to the little balcony in the room. It was completely curtained at the moment, letting no light at all in.

I pushed the curtains open and came face to face with an angry Twilight. "Going somewhere?" she asked through the window.

I grinned. "Just getting some air for Spike. He doesn't need to be cooped up like this when unwell." _Shit, she's gotten good._ I opened the balcony door to let some air in, as I had said I would.

"So what's that over your shoulder?" she asked before she realized something. "…And where's your crossbow?"

"I didn't even bring a crossbow, Twilight. Are you seeing things?"

"But you—And I… Navarone, what is that over your shoulder?"

"I don't have anything over my shoulder, Twilight… Are you feeling okay?"

"I CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE!"

"Dude, don't yell in front of Spike! He's not feeling well." I waited for her eyes to flick to him and for him to let off a well-timed groan before continuing, "And you obviously aren't either if you think there's something over my shoulder."

I dove for cover as Twilight exploded in rage.

When I had successfully fled from the library, I tried going straight home. I didn't quite make it: Rarity intercepted me just outside of town. "Ah, Navar—What are you—UNHOOF ME YOU BRUTE!"

I'm sure Big Mac was quite surprised to find me giving Rarity the fiercest spanking of her life. His normal red face grew even redder when he pushed his head into the little bush I had dragged her into.

"Having fun yet?" I demanded right as his head poked in, probably drawn in by her screams of indignation.

"…What're y'all doin'?" he drawled, his eyes like saucers.

Rarity was a little bit busy sniffling and moaning to answer, so I said, "This naughty mare has a certain fetish. As the resident expert with hands, I was helping her out. Keep quiet about it, yeah?"

His face grew even redder and he quickly pulled his head out of the bush with a loud "Nope!" He kept repeating that as he galloped off into the distance.

_This is the second time he's found me like this,_ I thought as I gave Rarity a few more spanks.

"See, this is what happens when you don't keep things a fucking secret like I told you to," I said as I finally pulled away from her, surveying my work. Somehow, the white fur on her flank had red handprints over it from where I had been spanking her. I figured that was enough to teach her a lesson without me having to do anything else.

"You violent monster…" she whispered, still sniffling.

"You were just asking for it. That squishy, spankable flank. The way you constantly beg for attention. How you always do whatever you can to make me suffer. For some reason thinking I was gay and wanted to be a cross dresser. Raping me. I keep saying that I need to slap your shit and I finally did." That one time in the Google bunker doesn't count. "Now why were you looking for me?"

She just hmphed and stuck her nose in the air, tossing her head away from me.

"Good, I don't have to deal with more of your bullshit. Have a nice day, then."

I merrily continued on my way for all of a few steps before I heard a barely whispered, "Wait…" I turned back, raising an eyebrow. "I… _was_ going to apologize. But then you had to go and start hitting me!"

"Don't even try to pretend you didn't enjoy that." I had her positioned in a way that it was hard not to tell that she was enjoying it more than she should have been.

And now her face was as red as her ass as she just blushed and stammered for a few seconds before saying, "I do need your assistance with something, however. I believe helping me with what I require might help turn my head from this… incident."

"I'm listening, though I can't make any promises."

Her horn lit up and surrounded one of the saddlebags that I had casually thrown off her when I was dragging her into the bushes. The flap opened and one of the shitty little comics she looted from Earth pulled itself out, surrounded by a light blue glow. It flew over to me. "The spell that allowed me to understand these mangas wore off, Navarone. I was wondering if you would be able to read it and perhaps translate it."

"Why not just get a translator spell and do it yourself?"

"Do you know how high level those spells are, Navarone? Everypony in the world has been speaking the same language for thousands of years. The kind of magic it takes to cast something like that is more than I could possibly handle. Twilight might be able to do it, but I would have to explain to her just why I need it."

"Tell her you want to put something in an ancient dead language on one of your clothes."

"That's an idea… But I would prefer you help me instead, if you can."

I sighed and rolled my eyes, holding out my hand. The comic landed in it and I lifted it up. I looked over the cover before flipping it open and looking at some of the text.

I closed it and shook my head, looking up. "This is in Japanese, or some other moon rune language. I don't know it. You find me some English and we'll talk." That was a bold-faced lie. This thing was in English; I just didn't want to translate it. To be fair, I don't think you'd find many people that would willingly read Bible Black, which is what that one was.

Yeah, if I ever saw those manga fuckers she got those things from again, I would be doing some professional ass-kicking.

She sighed, pulling the abomination away from me. "I suppose it was a little too much to ask. Very well then. In that case, would you be available to assist me with something else later on?"

"I don't know why you keep asking me this. The answer depends entirely upon what the activity you need help with is."

"Well, if you must know, it's more modeling stuff." I immediately got ready to tell her no before she said, "You won't be the model, of course—I remember your distaste for it after last time. No, I will be asking Fluttershy or perhaps somepony else to help. You will just be a judge of sorts."

I sighed, rubbing at one of my temples. "You're making human clothes and you want me to tell you how accurate they are."

"Close. I'm making human clothes and I want you to tell me how sexy they are."

"…And you want to use _Fluttershy_? Rarity, that shit could scar her for life."

"Relax, Navarone. Nopony will be taking pictures or filming it."

I shook my head. "I'm not going to do it, not if Fluttershy is the one modeling. Someone else, sure. Fluttershy? She's too innocent for that and I refuse to see her corrupted in any way."

"…Well, I can honestly say that I'm surprised. Pleasantly surprised, of course. It seems that you _do_ still have some morals left."

"When all you've got left is strings, you cling to them all the harder. If you find anyone else, you know where I live."

She nodded. "Very well. Have a good day, Navarone."

"You too, Marshmallow." She huffed again as she used magic to settle the saddlebags over her back. I debated internally about mentioning the handprints that graced her behind, but decided in the end not to. I also decided not to tell her what happened with Big Mac.

When I finally got home, I found Taya alone, sitting in the living room and reading a book. She looked up at me with a grin. "So what do you think, daddy?"

I debated using the key to make her tell the truth versus giving her the next part of the punishment. I decided not to use the key just yet. "It's a start," I answered, crossing my arms. "It amuses me that you think I'm stupid, though." Her smile faltered slightly. "That's what I thought. Go find him and apologize. You have one day left to find a friend that wasn't bullied into being here before I put you in school. After that, if I don't see you doing friendly things with that friend or another pony every five days, I'm going to have a chat with Cheerilee. Is that understood?"

Her face slowly drooped more and more until she looked close to tears. At the end of it, she teleported away. I sighed and stalked upstairs, more unhappy than I should have been. _Why is it so hard to tell her to do something that's good for herself?_

For some reason, Flo burst out laughing at that.

The next day, I took the wolf down to the train station to meet Vinyl and possibly Octavia. The letter didn't mention if the cellist was coming, but I did ask for her so I was hoping. If she wasn't there, I know Vinyl could get her down after I showed her the laptop.

I settled down on one of the benches to wait, the few out-of-towners flinching away from Freki as he hopped up next to me and laid his head down in my lap. For being made of wood, he really liked getting petted. I gave him some attention because frankly, I'm slightly neglectful of that poor dog. Not on purpose, of course, I just sort of… forget him sometimes, I guess.

Equestria's trains are usually on time, so we weren't waiting at the station for long. "Dude, what's—What the buck is that?" Vinyl asked, looking at my timber puppy.

"Remember when you asked about the wolves made of wood that lived in the forest? I got one as a pet."

"…Aren't those things evil?"

"Nah, just territorial. This guy is harmless until you piss me off. Where's Octavia?"

"She couldn't make it on such short notice. What's this new product you got for me?"

"It's easier shown than explained. Oh, and good news: I got a house, so you don't need a hotel. C'mon, you'll probably love it."

"Awesome! It's about time you got a cool pad of your own. Is it a stellar bachelor pad?"

"I wish. It's hard to live like a bachelor with a daughter, an annoying chick that might as well be your wife, a foal, a maid, and a hulking warrior all living in your place." I hopped up and started leading her into town.

"You sure there's gonna be room for me?"

"This place is massive. Even with all of that I still have four spare guest rooms. I got some stuff to tell you about some of the other tenants, though, and I hope you don't mind other races."

"Griffins are pretty cool, for the most part. Very different from ponies, though."

"Yeah… I'm not talking about griffins. The one I had here left for home and I haven't seen her in a little while. I'll tell you a little more when we get out of town, away from listening ears." Like anyone from that annoying little school newspaper. I didn't want word about Cadance getting out. "So how's the business?"

"Booming on all fronts, and I have you to thank for it! Why do you think I came down here immediately?"

"I figured you were bored again and wanted another short vacation."

"Nah. I'm getting back into the groove of things and remembering why I love it. What about you? How's… what you do when you aren't helping the princesses?"

"Going very well. Quills are going to be obsolete soon, if you write a lot. I'll probably stop writing books, though. Not like there's a lot of demand for them anyway." As it turns out, human books about human problems don't attract a lot of attention from ponies. Some are definitely interested and many of the books grew quite popular, but I don't think anyone would notice if they stopped coming out.

…I was hoping no one would go Misery on my ass.

"You're a writer?"

"Yep. Well, not really. It's more that I transcribe books from my world into this world and make a pretty penny doing it. Long story short, I'm a little bit rich. And if you factor in the mine I accidentally sort of mostly own, I'm more than a little rich."

"Huh. So, what's this about your weird guests?"

We were now mostly out of town, so I felt more comfortable telling her. "Do you know what a naga is?"

"No clu—wait, aren't they mercenaries or something?"

"A lot of them are. That's about the only occasion you'll ever find one outside of their home. It's a large carnivorous snake-fish mix. Just don't bother him and don't get him drunk and you'll be fine."

"…What happens if he gets drunk?"

"We agreed to never talk about that again. The next person of interest is a changeling maid. You might have met her in Canterlot at the wedding, a girl named Doppel. If she tries to seduce you, go for it. She's an amazing lay."

"She's a changeling, dude."

"Yeah. That just means she can do whatever fetish you want. Last on the list is Princess Cadance, and you are to tell no one she is here."

"Whoa. _This_ is where she's hiding?"

"Yep. And on the off chance Shining Armor visits and you ever get asked about it, tell everyone that he's cheating on Cadance with me."

"Dude… Hot. I would _pay_ to see that."

"Really? How much?"

"I don't bucking know, a lot. But anyway, why's lovebutt living in your house?"

I shrugged. "Wish I could tell you. Oh yeah, her kid is also here. A more evil and vindictive baby you will never find. Stay away from her."

"I never was a foal pony. So what's the big secret plan to make me more money?"

"It's another thing you'll have to keep secret from everyone. This is more important to me than keeping the Cadance thing a secret."

"Alright, I won't tell anypony. It's good to keep business secrets safe."

"I found a way to get music from my world into this world. There are problems, though; the lyrics are in a very different language. I might be able to translate, I might not. But all the dubstep without lyrics? You should be golden to copy it all."

"As awesome as that is—and it's extremely bucking awesome—isn't that… immoral?"

"Probably. But even if you don't copy it for your own stuff, it might give you ideas. And if nothing else, you can say that you were one of the first and only ponies to listen to human music."

"True. So how do you get the music here? Is it some kind of portal?"

"Nope. I'll show you. As I said, it's impossible to explain. I have a feeling you'll love it, though. Just make sure to not tell anyone about it, or I'll kill your family."

"…What?"

"That won't be a problem, though. How long do you have to be here?"

"Uh, a few days? How long should it take?"

"I don't know. I can show you the songs instantly, but there are a lot of songs to go through. If it goes well, do you think you can get Octavia or some other people out here? Some people that you can trust to keep silent, of course. Needless to say, if a few certain interested parties learned about this, bad things might happen."

"Of course, dude. Or I can just record some stuff and bring it to her. If it's really that incredible, I'll just track her down and drag her here. Depending on what you humans have, I can bring a few other ponies here too. I got a few friends that are trying to 'find new sounds' and aren't having much luck."

"Tell them to go into a desert and save a village of mares from a bandit."

"How would that help them do anything?"

"Hey, it would get them laid."

"Can't argue with that. So how far away is this little house of yours, anyway?"

"Hah, 'little.' It's not too far out of town. We'll be seeing it pretty soon. Just a note, though: It's right up against the Everfree."

"But it's safe. Right?"

"Oh yeah. The only problem we've really had so far was the giant squid, and that was just because of a misunderstanding. Last I heard, he's settled down with a sea serpent."

"I would give fifty bits to live your life for a week when I'm not around, just to see what the buck you'd get up to."

"It's mostly kinky sex with Doppel and training with the naga. Pretty boring, I gotta say. And since I can't sleep at night yet, I spend that time building stuff." I've been tempted to make a cannon, but storing it would be too much trouble and bringing it on an airship would be just asking for trouble.

"What have you been making? More human stuff?"

"Yeah. Nothing high tech or anything, though. What do you do in your spare time, when you aren't partying or whatnot?"

"Whatever I feel like. I'm swimming in bits so there's not much I can't do anymore."

"Ever think of settling down? Finding someone nice and popping out a few brats or something?"

"Thought about it, sure. Ever really considered it? Nah. I don't want to get slowed down by any foals just yet. Not my style."

"They definitely change your priorities." Aside from the whole 'Taya shouldn't have chosen me' angle, I didn't have many regrets with her. I mean, I've had to change a little, but not as much as I would have for a baby or something."

"You ready to find a nice mare and settle down yet? I know you gotta be tired of your career."

"I definitely am tired of it. I'm going to pass on any kind of relationship for now, though. It would be nice, but… Well, I have my reasons." Emotionally stunted, dead inside, leaving soon. Take your pick.

"How's your daughter handling not having a mom?"

"No clue. She seems okay with it, but then she's kind of mentally unbalanced. Oh hey, there's the outer wall of my house."

"There's a _wall_? Awesome. No wonder nothing gives you any trouble. But what about things with wings?"

"The only manticore that tried popping his head over the wall got eaten by the naga. We haven't had any trouble since then. No solicitors or random songs, either. It's nice."

"Huh. Sounds kinda boring, actually."

"I've earned some boredom. And sometimes you just need a break from it all, you know?"

"Eeeh, I guess. Hey, do you have a gardener too?"

"…No. That looks like Lily. And there's Taya, who I swear you had to have met by now." _Have I introduced them? I don't remember._ "Taya took up gardening, so I assume she had one of the Flower sisters come by to teach her how to keep the flowers alive." I wasn't ready to count it as a 'friend' just yet, but it was a step in the right direction. And as long as Cadan—_Oh wow, I didn't really think this one through, did I?_

Meh. Cadance would be fine. The Flower sisters are harmless and the assassins are dead anyway.

"I wish I had somepony to make a garden for me…"

"Get a loving daughter, then. Or hire a gardener; that would probably be cheaper." We could barely even see them through the gates, but it looked like Taya was acting a bit more frantically than normal. I didn't want to rush her too much into making a friend, but she had to force my hand. Honestly, I was hoping she would go for someone closer to her own age, but going after cute mares was also okay.

…As long as she didn't try setting me up with them. Then we'd have a problem.

When we finally got inside the gates, the two of them noticed us. Lily paled slightly when she saw Freki, but she knew by now that he was harmless. Still, all three of the sisters were pretty much cowards, and spent the longest time being afraid of me. I was honestly surprised Taya even managed to get her to agree to come into my fort.

"Hello, Ms. Lily," I said, walking up to the two of them. Given that the garden was in the row right in front of the house, I had to walk up to them to get inside. "Welcome to my home. Do you two need anything?"

"Nothing right now, Sir Navarone," she said. "Taya here just wanted to learn how to take care of these lovely little lilies." I had no clue what kind of flowers they were. "I'm always happy to help somepony start a garden, so here I am!"

"I'm glad you can help. I know nothing of gardening, other than that you dig a hole and put the plant in it."

"Ooh, would you like to learn? It's a great bonding activity!"

…_Fuck._ "I would, but I need to get Vinyl here situated." Also, I hate gardening. "Some other time, perhaps?"

Taya put on a smile for some reason. "Surely it won't take too long, Daddy. I'm sure she's tired from her trip, after all." _Oh you little… I'm teaching her too well._

"If that is the case, I will be back out in a few minutes. Vinyl, come on."

She followed me on in. "This place is awesome! How much did it cost you?"

"In terms of bits? Nothing. In terms of other things? An ass-whooping, two pissed off princesses, and being forced to go to Luna's winter party."

"Which you're going to love, by the way. I'm helping her with it, and with the resources we have, it's going to be the most amazing party in history." We both jerked as we heard a distant howling that for some reason reminded me of Pinkie, but I dismissed it as something from the forest.

"I'm not much of a party person, but I can survive one night. Up the st—Doppel!" I spotted her peeking out of the living room. "This here is Vinyl Scratch. She'll be staying in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Vinyl, this is Doppel, my maid." As soon as I called her, Doppel stepped out of her cover, showing off her sexy body and the frilly Prench maid outfit.

"What's with the getup?" Vinyl asked.

"Master makes me wear it," she said before I could answer. "He says he likes the way I shake my hips and the easy access for when he gets bored."

"Bitch please. You're the one that refuses to take it off. Given Chrysalis's threat, that's probably a valid refusal, but still."

Doppel grinned, winking. "I don't hear you complain any more, master."

"That's just because you make sure to bend over in my face whenever you have to dust something. We'll be upstairs if anyone needs us. No listening in; you can get your fill later."

She sighed, looking disappointed. "Yes master..."

Vinyl and I continued up the stairs. When we got to the second floor, I led her to one of the many unused rooms, far away from Cadance's with the baby. "This here's your room. You're welcome to take another unused room, but all the other ones are closer to a room with a baby—or a foal, whatever you want to call it."

"Got an awesome maid, a loving daughter, and guest rooms that would make most ponies clop their hooves in glee. You're living the good life, Nav. Seeing this place makes me want more than just a nice penthouse suite."

"You got the money. Why not go for it? Though I gotta say, home ownership has its downsides, even if I don't have that many bills. Anything breaks down, have fun fixing it, or paying to fix it." With the schematics I have now, I've been thinking about hiring a few people to build me a generator that would never break and work better than the one that Chrysalis built me.

She shrugged. "I can't build a big fancy house in the city, where I do most of my work. It would be a very long commute."

"Eh. Either way, this is your room. If you stumble in drunk to the room next to it in the middle of the night and snuggle up with my daughter, we're going to have a problem. Namely, of the her brutally murdering you kind. So yeah, watch out for that. Now, you want to see the music thing?"

"Nav, you're kinda freaking me out, man. First you talk about killing my family, now you're saying that going into the wrong room's gonna get me killed. Don't get me wrong, I don't like or care about my family, but I still don't want them dead. And me getting killed is even worse."

"You gotta understand this about my… 'family,' then. Taya's parents were either murdered or abandoned her and she was left on the streets of a place that mistreated her in ways that I still don't know about. She's been learning all kinds of magic, but has a disturbing proficiency for combat magic. So she's not only jumpy and paranoid, she can back it up by making your head pop. Doppel's a sex addict and instead of the normal taste of love, she prefers lust. She's willing to do whatever it takes to get it, too. Cadance is Cadance, and that's all you need to know about that. The naga… Yeah, don't mess with the naga. And of course, Freki is still a wolf at heart, even if he acts like a little puppy. You already know I'm fucked in the head. Now come along, I want to get started early."

She just sighed and fell into step behind me. "So after you start showing me this music stuff, you're going to go and spend some time with your daughter and her garden?"

"I don't like gardening."

"And if what you said is true, you need to spend more time with her anyway. She's safe in Equestria, and you spending more time with her will hopefully help her remember that. That way she won't make my head explode."

"And I suppose it means you can keep making my head explode instead."

"Wha—Oh." She grinned and said, "Well, I wouldn't say no. But I thought you had a bit more time on the more feminine side of things."

"It would take a lot of convincing to get me to bring those stones out of storage." Doppel managed to do it a few times. "But no matter. Here's my office." I pushed the door open and stepped on inside, almost expecting someone to be there waiting for me. Thankfully, there wasn't. I walked to the other side of the desk and plopped myself down in the chair. "You ready for the big secret?" I asked as I pulled the skeleton key out and unlocked the laptop's drawer.

"Sure, I guess."

I shrugged and set the laptop on the desk. "This here is some powerful human technology." I opened it up and turned it on. "I don't know how good the speakers really are, though; it was not at all designed for this purpose."

"What _was_ it designed for, then?"

"Rebuilding society in the event that it collapsed." It booted up almost immediately and I opened the folder I made for Vinyl. "What are you in the mood for?"

She shrugged. "I'm cool with whatever."

I grinned. "Then I'll start with my preference: Chillstep. I can set you up with a good long playlist. If you get tired of one song, just say 'next.' If you want to hear the song that was running before, say 'back.' If anyone opens the door, say 'stop.' If that person leaves, say 'play.' Feel free to look around the office if you want, but don't touch this device. It's sensitive and it is irreplaceable." I clicked the play button. "I'll be back in less than an hour, hopefully. If you need to use the bathroom or whatever, just stop it and go next door; there's a bathroom in my room. Any questions before I go torture myself?"

Her head was tilted, listening to the music. "Can you turn it up? And do you have some paper?"

I turned the volume up a few pegs before reaching into another drawer and pulling out some paper and a pen. "Just click the top and use the point if you need to write," I said, standing. "See you soonish, then."

She mumbled something as she listened to the sounds of Woon's "Night Air." The lyrics would go over her head, but at least she could hear the basic sounds of chillstep.

I walked over to my room to get some work clothes, the wolf still dogging my heels. When I got some clothes I didn't care about getting dirt on, I looked down at the wolf and got a decent idea. "Guard the door to my office. Anyone but me or Vinyl tries going in, hurt them. Can you do that for me?"

He happily wagged his tail, glad to finally have a task from his master or whatever he considered me.

"Good boy. Or… girl, I guess. Whatever gender you consider yourself. I'll be back up in a few minutes, hopefully. If you see me, sniff me. If I smell more like Doppel than I should, be ready to bite."

I let him out and he actually took a position at the door, sitting down in front of it. I shrugged and grabbed my rifle and loaded it, not bothering to chamber a round. But there's no reason not to be careful, you know?

Unfortunately, it was a rather typical summer day out. The sun was being an asshole and attempting to oppress the citizens of the world. Normally, I'd be all too happy to let it do so and go inside, but Taya had to go and try to make me look like a bad father in front of Lily. So instead I joined them outside in the shitty little garden thing I was stupid enough to get Taya to try to grow.

Since this wasn't my garden, I was doing my best to not pay attention to most of what Lily was trying to say, instead doing the minimum amount of work possible to make it seem like I cared.

You know, when I write it that way, I do seem like a terrible father. But since I knew that was true and I had been trying to tell everyone that since the beginning, it didn't weigh much on my mind.

After about half an hour, Lily looked up to the gate entrance. "Who is that?" she asked.

I looked behind me and saw that it was a pony that was completely covered in some kind of clothing or something. "I have no clue," I answered, grabbing my rifle and finally locking in a round. I didn't pump it just yet, because this didn't look like a unicorn. "Hello!" I called, getting the fidgety pony's attention. It started walking to us. "Who are you?" I asked when the pony was close enough.

"Fluttershy," she quietly whispered, twitching. "C-can you help me, Nav?"

I immediately put the rifle down. "What do you need?"

"I'm… I'm…" She mumbled something else that I couldn't hear.

"You're going to have to repeat that," I said, crossing my arms. I've played that game with her a few times. She gets nervous about something and her voice just disappears.

"I have fleas," she whispered so quietly that I could barely understand it.

Lily jerked back, almost stepping in the garden. "F-f-f-FLEAS?!" She immediately bolted for the gate.

"God that mare is skittish. Taya, you passed. You have five days starting tomorrow. Fluttershy, I have no idea how to get rid of fleas. Or at least, not on something that enjoys living."

"I… I have some—Ee!—some things you can use. And if those don't work, I'm sure somepony in town or Zecora can help."

I shrugged. "Do we need to be inside to do it? No offense, but I don't want fleas in my house if I can help it. Bad for Taya and Skyla, you know?"

She rooted around in a pocket and pulled out a comb. A very fine-toothed comb, too. "We can try this part outside. Can you, um, hurry?"

"Get outta those clothes and I can get started. Taya, go inside, or away from here. You do _not_ want fleas, trust me."

"Okay, daddy." She sprinted inside, not giving it any kind of second thought.

I pulled my shirt off and tossed it on top of the gun, walking over to the side of my house and sitting next to it, resting my back against it. I really didn't want to risk getting fleas living in my shirt, after all. Those things spread and you have to bake clothing to get them out of it.

Soon enough Fluttershy was out of her silly little clothes and was standing next to me, averting her eyes and flinching every few seconds.

"Do you need an invitation?" I asked. "Come on, lie across my lap. And pass me that comb."

She settled down on me with a sigh. "Sorry for bothering you, Nav," she whispered as I started combing at her. "It's just… you're the only one without any fur."

"Except for Spike."

"…Um…"

"And the naga. And Doppel. And you might be able to get Stephen Magnet to do it, if you could find him."

"I… I didn't mean to bother you…" She tried getting up, but I held her down, continuing to comb her.

"I don't mind. Between you and me, this is a lot more fun than gardening. Am I doing it right?"

"Um… No. Here, let me show you how…" She maneuvered over until she was lying on her back and took the proffered comb. She then demonstrated the proper way to comb fleas off of something. I crushed one of the ones that was squirming on the end of the comb and she flinched again. "Can't you just… knock them off and leave them in the grass?"

"And let them jump back on you? Pass." I took the comb back and began properly running it down her belly. A few minutes later I had her flip over. "So if this doesn't work, what do you want to try next?"

"Well, I have a special shampoo… I just… Well, I need somepony to help me wash. Everywhere."

"So wash your body. Awkward, but not too bad."

"Um… _Every_where, everywhere."

"…Oh." We sat in silence for a little while as I continued to comb her. Eventually I said, "Well, it'll only be weird if we make it weird. Do you feel any less itchy, at least?"

"A little…"

A few minutes later I asked, "So has Rarity bothered you yet about modeling?"

"She asked me if I could help her. She didn't say what lingerie was, though. I told her that I couldn't help until all of the fleas were gone. She… she didn't stay much longer."

"Tell her no. As a favor to me, if nothing else."

"Why? Do you know what lingerie is?"

"Yes. It's something a mare uses to attract a stallion. In my world, it was used in sex-play. I made the mistake of mentioning it to Rarity and she got all gung-ho about the idea. It isn't something you should do, Flutters."

"…Why not?"

_What?_ "Fluttershy, do you really want to be identified as the first mare to wear something that sexualizes women and turns them into little more than sex objects?"

"Well no, but it can't be that bad. It's just clothing."

"Clothing designed to make someone look sexy and inviting in bed. That goes against your entire personality. You're too innocent for something like that."

"Says who?" I stopped combing her, surprised. She turned her head to look at me. "I'm a mare with needs, Nav. I might be… more shy than most…" Her eyes flicked to the side for that before meeting mine again with an uncomfortable intensity. "…But I still want somepony to want me. To love me. Is that so wrong?"

"…No. But you shouldn't resort to something so base to do it."

"If somepony else ignores everything else, maybe appealing to his base desires would do it."

"Or maybe it's just a sign that it wasn't meant to be. Do you really want to change yourself to get someone?"

"It's not changing anything. It's just showing off a side of me nopony has ever seen before."

I sighed, closing my eyes and rubbing at a temple with one hand before saying, "Well, let me know how that turns out for you." I began combing her again. "For what it's worth, that would probably piss me off."

She didn't answer.

When I had determined that I combed over all parts of her at least once, I patted her back. "Still itchy?" I asked.

She twitched and sighed. "Yes…"

"Fuck. Well, time to give you a bath… Though I don't know why you need me so much for that."

"I can do most of it myself! I just can't reach my back that easily. And… some other places."

"Well, hop up and grab the shampoo. I don't want to dally in the house, letting the fleas get anywhere. Do you mind cool baths?"

"They're good for my mane, I guess. Why?"

"Because it means that we can go in through the back and straight down to the spring instead of running through the house and getting fleas everywhere. The water feeds into a stream behind the house, so the naga shouldn't have to worry about getting soap and shit where he sleeps." And if he does bitch about it, I'll just let him try to say no to a miserable looking Fluttershy.

She finally hopped off me and went to her clothes, rooting around in them for the shampoo or whatever. She finally leaned up with the bottle in her mouth. I stood up, grabbed my rifle and shirt, and started leading the way to the back door.

"I do hope you got the fleas gone from all your animals before coming here. You're just wasting your time, otherwise."

"I _hope_ I did… Poor Angel Bunny was so distraught over them."

I grinned to myself at the thought of that little fucker running around with fleas eating him alive, but didn't comment on it aloud. Instead I said, "Most people would concentrate on getting better themselves first, so they don't spread the disease around while they're trying to help."

"That's people. I'm a pony. We help others first."

"Which works well enough when what you have isn't communicable or disabling. But whatever." I pushed the back door open, stepping inside. Cadance looked up from trying to feed Skyla some kind of harder food than crotchtit milk. I held a hand out to stop Fluttershy. "Cadance, put a shield around yourself and your kid, please."

"Uh… Why?"

"I'm helping someone get rid of fleas and I don't want you to bitch at me if Skyla gets them. We'll be out of the kitchen and down the stairs in less than a minute."

She shrugged and put a shield up. "When you get done, we need to talk," she said as I led Fluttershy inside. "Oh. Hello, Fluttershy." There was more coldness in her voice than I was used to hearing from her, though it still wasn't all that dark sounding.

"Hello, Princess," Fluttershy answered, also not sounding overly amused. I sensed an undertone in there, but decided not to press my luck in asking about it. So instead I pushed the cellar door open and started down the stairs.

"Um, Nav?" I stopped and looked back to find her looking down the cellar in confusion. "I can't see."

"What? The light's..." I looked up to see that the light bulb was off. "Oh yeah. The light switch is to the right." She reached up and flipped it, letting her see what my messed up eyes already could.

"So… what's that thing?" she asked as she pushed the door shut behind her and started walking down. She was looking at the generator.

"Industrial hair dryer. The naga likes them for some reason. Come on."

She followed me for a few more steps before it clicked. "But… the naga doesn't have hair…"

"I know, that's why it's so weird. It's no problem, though. Just don't ask him about it; he's sensitive about his strange habits."

"Okay…"

When we finally got to the spring room, we found that the naga was nowhere to be seen. "Now, this pool thing is deep. Very deep. You know how to swim, right?" She slowly nodded, looking down into the pool. "Good. Now, can you get started? I need to go talk to another guest I have. I told her I'd be back in an hour, an hour ago. I should be able to get down here quickly."

"I can wash most of myself."

"Cool. I'll be down soon, then. And don't worry, this place isn't haunted." It did seem kind of spooky, with the sound of the water echoing in the cave and the light playing off the water and spreading around the place.

"I… _wasn't_ scared," she whispered, looking around.

"Cool." I set the gun and the shirt down as a hint to the naga that she wasn't an intruder if he got back before I did. Fluttershy eased into the water as I started back up and out of the dark cellar.

Cadance was waiting for me in the kitchen, where she belonged. "Two things. First, who's the new guest? Doppel mentioned somepony?"

"A friend of mine. She won't sell you out, trust me."

"I just wish that you had asked me first, Nav. Shiny could have checked up on her! I know most of the ponies that planned the attack were caught, but I don't want to risk my foal…"

"I know. But I also know Vinyl. She's mostly harmless."

"Okay. I trust you know what you're doing with her. But I don't trust that you know what you're doing with Fluttershy. First you say you don't want her, and now here you are helping her! Nav, I went and talked to her on your behalf already. She didn't take it well. If you truly don't want her, doing this isn't a good way of showing it."

"I'm just helping her. Have you ever had fleas? They aren't fun."

"By giving her a bath? And I see all that yellow fur on your legs. I bet you were brushing her coat, weren't you?"

"Combing it, actually. It knocked loose a lot of fleas."

"Navarone, as your friend and as the princess of love, it is my job to tell you that you are being foolish."

I pulled the cellar door shut and crossed my arms. "Alright. Tell me what to tell her to show her that I'm not interested. What more can I really do, aside from straight up tell her?"

"Offer to help her get a special somepony. You don't actually have to do it, but if you word it correctly you can make sure she knows you don't consider her anything more than a friend."

"You're surprisingly good at this."

"And I find the entire idea abhorrent. If you weren't leaving Equestria, I would never even consider this. You and Fluttershy would make a good couple and I hate myself for helping you avoid it."

"Trust me, you get used to hating yourself after a while. Now, I need to go check on Vinyl so I can help Fluttershy and hopefully get her off my case."

Cadance just rolled her eyes and went back to attempting to feed her little brat. "Open wide for the train!" I left before I could see the reaction, knowing that Cadance would clean any mess her kid made. Of course, as long as I wasn't around, Skyla would be a perfect angel.

So off I went to make sure Vinyl was being good and not… "What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, standing at the door of my office with the puppy wagging his tail next to me.

She jerked her head toward me so quickly that her goggles slid off her face. She stared at me like a fat kid stuck in front of a train, her eyes wide as saucers. One of her hooves was in an inappropriate place and she was sitting on my desk in a very Lyra-like fashion.

"…This is exactly what it looks like."

"You masturbating to "Breathe in Air"?"

"Yes."

I rolled my eyes before stepping inside, closing the door in front of the puppy. "I have ten minutes."

A few minutes later, I left a much more relaxed Vinyl in my office with an enlarged playlist, since she seemed really pleased with chillstep. I walked right on back down to the kitchen. "Nav, what's that on your face?" Cadance asked.

"Mare juices. My guest was feeling frisky."

"And you're going to help Fluttershy with that dripping down your chest?"

"Yeah. Is that a problem?"

She just sighed and shrugged. I walked on down to the cellar. Fluttershy flinched when I stepped inside, quickly moving to cover her chest for some reason. I looked at her hooves for a moment before turning an incredulous look to her face. She grinned sheepishly, blushing and moving her hooves.

Then she noticed the fluids on me. "What's that?" she asked, shifting in the water.

"My guest was rather enthusiastic." I did a quick pocket check before sliding into the water. "So what is there left to wash?" I asked after a quick dunk.

"What do you mean, enthusiastic?" she whispered.

"Eh, you don't want to hear about that. I suppose you need me to wash your back?"

"Would you please tell me?" She even tried the triple blink thing on me.

"How about this: I'll tell you when you find yourself a good stallion—or mare, if you're into that. Hell, I can even help you find a special somepony, or whatever you guys call them."

"N-no, that's—"

"I know a lot of stallions would probably be interested. I'd be happy to help you find someone. I'm not looking for myself and I know it's fun looking, so just say the word."

Her ears seemed to fall back with each word until they were lying against her head. "N-no thanks…"

"Then let's get rid of those fleas. You'll definitely never attract a good stallion if you make them itch whenever you're around."

"Okay," she whispered, holding out the shampoo. She reached out with one of her front legs and grabbed the side of the pool so she wouldn't sink while I was applying the shampoo.

"So you want to do this the easy and awkward way, the easiest way that also involves a mess, or the unnecessarily annoying way?"

"Which is the easiest?"

"Both of us getting out, me lathering up your body, and you jumping in."

"The regular easy way?"

"Me straddling your back and applying it that way."

"…The annoying way?"

"Doing the entire thing underwater through air transfer."

"Um, how would that even work?"

"I can sort of breathe underwater. One of the perks of being a half-wallflower." Or a tree, I guess. But it's mostly the voice I have in my head.

The voice that decided to make itself known. "You realize that air transfer involves kissing her, right?"

_Oh fuck. Well, she doesn't know that._

"The easy way seems fun… I mean, I don't want to make a mess, after all."

I sighed and nodded at the side of the pool. "Turn around and hold onto the side, then. You're going to steadily be scooting up to make it easier on me."

"Okay." She did as I asked, leaving the shampoo bottle floating. I grabbed it with one hand and one of her withers with the other, pulling myself onto her back and latching on with my legs around her flanks

"You already get your mane?" She weakly nodded. I popped the shampoo bottle open and squeezed some onto my hands before setting the bottle on the side. "I still say you could get just about anyone to do this," I said as I started gently rubbing it into her back.

"Nopony with fingers, though," she moaned, her wings twitching.

I looked down at those wings. "So do fleas get in wings, too?"

Immediately after asking that, I flew off her back from the force of her wings shooting straight out. It took a few seconds for it to register what happened. When it did, I pulled myself out of the water to find Fluttershy looking very flustered and trying to force her wings down.

"I-I-I… Please don't hate me!"

"You took care of me when I was hurt and you helped me learn how to use my wings. It's only fair that I help take care of you now that you're in need. Now turn back around and let's get on with this. And remember: It's only weird if you let it be."

She gulped very loudly before turning back around, her wings still sticking straight out. "At least this gives me something more to hold onto," I said as I reattached myself to her back. She just whimpered as I continued applying the soap to her back.

She slowly relaxed again, her wings going limp and somewhat floppy instead of sticking straight out or folded against her back.

The naga slithered in when I had Fluttershy mostly out of the water and was applying soap to her flank. "Ah, human, it is good to see you finally took the yellow one as a mate."

And I went soaring back into the pool as Fluttershy's entire body jerked, kicking me and shooting her wings out again. She was stammering something as I resurfaced, spewing water. "What?" I asked, cutting off Fluttershy's confused stammers.

"It is customary for naga mates to wash each other. Is it not the same for ponies and humans?"

"Well, some couples do that, but it's not really customary. We also occasionally help our kids or our friends wash." But not usually the second one. "We aren't together. I'm just helping her with a problem."

"You are helping wash her. Alone. In the dark, somewhat romantic light of my cavern. And you are washing her backside. And you say you two are not mates?"

"Yes, that is what I say. Is there a problem?"

"I think the two of us need to have a talk one of these days. Anyway, I will wait to make you practice for now. I need to hunt anyway." Fluttershy 'eeped' at that. "My apologies for interrupting you." And just as quickly as he entered, he left.

I waded back to Fluttershy and continued rubbing the shampoo into her nice plump ass. I think she wanted to say something about what the naga had said, but lost whatever she was going to say when I began touching her again.

"Don't mind him," I said, gripping her tail to steady myself in the water. "Naga have some very weird customs. And we're almost done, thankfully."

She whispered something that I didn't hear and shifted slightly. I started moving down her legs, leaving the weird part for later.

Unfortunately, later has to come eventually. "Alright, Fluttershy. We're down to the most awkward part. Let's make this quick, shall we?"

Before she could answer, I lifted her tail up and spread the soap around places I wasn't supposed to touch. She flinched and almost sent me back again, but I was holding on tightly to her tail and just continued lightly molesting her and trying to get the soap wherever a flea might try to hide.

When the unpleasant task was finished, I gripped her tail with both hands and used my legs to push back from the wall, pulling her into the water by her tail. She squealed as she hit the water and I let her tail go so she could flail around, getting all the soap off of her in the funniest way possible.

When she finally stopped jerking around, I was chilling out on the other side of the spring. She slowly turned her head toward me. "Still itching?" I asked.

She lost her look of concentration for a short time before slowly nodding. "I… think they're gone."

"Well, you're welcome to stay the night here just in case. No reason to risk starting the infestation all over again."

"Oh, I don't want to impose!"

"You're too quiet to impose on anything. You'd just be sleeping in one of the rooms and then leaving in the morning."

"I… I don't know…"

"Eh, no one sleeps in my room and it's far away from the foal, so that'll do." I pushed myself out of the water. "Whenever you get out and dried off, come on back up. I'll probably be in my office on the third floor." _In hindsight, I should have grabbed some towels while I was up there…_

That didn't bother me, though; I grabbed my rifle and my shirt and started walking back up. Sure I was dripping, but there weren't any carpets in the areas I was going to be walking through.

Cadance was no longer in the kitchen, but thankfully Taya was. She jumped when she heard the door to the cellar open, but relaxed when she saw me. "Hey, do you know how to dry someone off?" I asked.

"I could try."

My eyes widened. "No thanks! I'll just go find a towel."

"You don't… trust me?"

"The first thing that comes to my mind when drying someone off is using heat. If you don't know how to do it, I don't want you to start on me. We've been through what could happen once and I don't want to be even more of a tree than I already am. If you're still in here when Fluttershy comes out, don't jump at her. She'd probably freak out and fall down the stairs."

Flo sighed. "Dammit, Nav." I blinked, not understanding why Flo was pissed. "You just had to tell her you thought she'd go and kill you again."

Taya didn't look like she thought I meant that at all. She was looking back at whatever she was making. I just shrugged and kept walking, hoping no one slipped and broke something on the water trail I was leaving behind.

It didn't take me long to get to my bathroom, where I promptly dried off and put some shorts back on. I didn't bother with a shirt, because why would I? I unloaded the rifle and popped the one in the chamber. When I was back in business, I went next door to where Vinyl was listening to The Storm by someone called Draper. I let the wolf in and pushed the door shut, walking over to the other side of the desk and sitting down.

I waited for the song to end before saying, "Stop." The music stopped. "That's enough of that one genre, I think."

"I love humanity," Vinyl said, slowly taking off her glasses. "If this is what you humans can do, I want to be wherever you come from."

"I'll keep that in mind." I started looking for another of the playlists I made up for her. "Here we go. What do you know about rock?"

"Uh, they're hard and good for throwing?"

"But not if you live in a glass house." I clicked play. "This here is what we call rock and roll. It's not nearly as calm as most of those songs, but it might be that new sound some of your friends were looking for." After what she told me, I loaded up Johnny Be Goode first. It got progressively harder. Vinyl was bobbing her head and taking notes or something. I was content to just lean back and listen, happy to finally hear some of the music I had been so long without.

Some time later I heard a very gentle tapping on my door. "Pause," I regretfully said. "Come on in, Fluttershy!" The door slowly pushed open and we got to see Fluttershy standing in her birthday suit. "Fluttershy, meet Vinyl. She's one of my other guests."

"Um, we've met," Fluttershy said.

"Yeah, I remember you! You're the mare that doesn't talk!"

"That's accurate," I said, nodding. "Fluttershy, you don't really have to quarantine yourself here. It was just an offer. If you do want to stay, I have a study somewhere on the first floor where you can find plenty of books to read. I would offer to let you stay up here, but I have business with Vinyl."

Fluttershy's eyes flicked to Vinyl and she blushed deeply. "I… I think I'll just go home. Thank you for the help, Nav."

"No problem, Fluttershy. You're always welcome here if you need anything else."

"O-okay…" She stood at the door for a few seconds more before awkwardly walking away.

Vinyl turned back to me and said, "That mare needs to get laid."

"Yeah. Play." The music kicked back on and Vinyl used her magic to shut the door again.

The next morning, Spike showed up at my place with the crossbow awkwardly strapped to his back and a quiver over a shoulder. He may be a lot bigger than when I got to Equestria, but he was still too small to be using straps and stuff designed for me. It would take him a little while to grow into it.

"Hey Nav. You wanted to talk?"

I was about to go hunting anyway. "Yeah. Let's walk, shall we?"

"Uh, okay?" I stepped out of the house, pulling the door shut behind me and the puppy and lifting up my rifle to load it and chamber a round. "What's that?" he asked as he watched me operate it.

"The reason I was able to give you that crossbow. You'll learn more about it and some other things if you decide to take me up on my offer. Let's go hunting."

"Awesome!" He immediately pulled the crossbow up and began pulling the string back, but I stopped him.

"If you're going to be carrying that around, there are some things you should know. First, don't load it until you think you're about to enter a place where you'll need it. So never leave it loaded in town. Second, don't dry fire it; if you're going to cock it back, you have to shoot a bolt off with it. If you aren't shooting it at something you want to kill, use a practice bolt into the ground for decocking. Third, never point it at something you aren't willing to pull the trigger on. Fourth, don't carry it around everywhere. Sure, it's useful to be ready to defend yourself, but you don't want to worry any of the ponies by having a weapon."

"Nav, I'm a dragon. I worry the ponies by existing."

"No, a dragon they don't know would do that. You're the cute and loveable Spike that would never harm a pony. Carrying a weapon around might ruin that very useful image you have. Now let's go."

I started walking to the gate. He jumped to follow me and did his best to keep pace. "Normally I fly in, but we do have some important things to discuss. I have an offer for you, Spike. But first, I need you to give me your word that you will stay silent about all that we discuss here. That means telling no one unless I give you permission."

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I won't tell you until you agree to tell no one."

"Alright, I won't tell anypony. You have my word!"

"Excellent." I pumped my air rifle, stopping in front of the forest. "Load up. We're about to enter dangerous territory."

"You made me wait just to get in front of the forest?"

"Yes. Now load it." He rolled his eyes and did so. "I'm leaving Equestria at the start of spring and I won't be back for a while." He gasped. I nodded and started walking into the forest. "I'm going on a long journey away from Equestria to look for some important things. I'm offering you a spot on my crew." He had been automatically following me, but stopped when I made that offer. I turned back to look at him.

"Really? Why me?" he asked.

"Look at yourself, Spike." He took a second to look down as I continued, "You're a dragon in a pony country. You belong here less than I do. I'm offering you a chance to see what's out there, beyond this herbivore's paradise. Dragons thrive on violence and combat. You'll find little of either here. I'm offering you a chance to find out more about yourself. And if you don't like what you find, you are welcome to leave my crew at any time. I'll pay for you to get back to Equestria." He was silent for about half a minute, looking away from me. "You don't have to answer now. I just need an answer before winter, so I can know if I need more supplies. I will allow you to talk to Twilight about it, because she already knows. Don't talk to anyone else about it. Promise me you'll think about it, Spike. I wouldn't mind having another close friend with me."

"I'll… think about it," he finally said.

"Good. Now let's go kill something, shall we?"

* * *

A note from Discord

I sighed as I leaned back on my throne, clutching at my skull with both hands as I wondered how things had come to this. "It should be impossible," I whispered.

I thought back to what I remembered of the time before I tried to wipe out humanity, the events that kicked off the disorder I needed. I thought back to the MacCraig family.

Jessica made a big mistake when she let that family stay in their little home after taking Navarone away. As it turns out, Irish Catholics are very vocal about angels being kidnapped by what looked like government agents storming the place. And since they had very well hidden cameras set up around their house, footage of the event was put on the internet immediately. Within a month, it was the talk of every major news agency. A year later, tensions were brewing everywhere. Soon enough, war was the only option.

And so died a mighty race, killed by the great and almighty Discord by their own weapons.

…Or so I thought. Several bunkers survived, created by several different companies and a few governments. There was too little chaos and Discord in the world. For once, everyone was getting along with the mutual goal of survival. They knew humanity was either dead or would never be the same, but they had ideas for what to do, ideas for a future.

Ideas given to them by one time traveling living construct.

When I created Navarone, when I started the little game with Celestia… Had I known that it was the catalyst that killed humanity, I would have rather risked a time paradox than start the game.

Learning that my attempt at suicide had been thwarted by none other than myself was enough for me to decide to throw one of my pawns sooner than I had anticipated…


	80. Chapter Seventy-Eight

Chapter Seventy-Eight

The days went by quickly and easily. Vinyl stayed for much longer than she was expecting, and ended up turning my home into an impromptu musician's paradise, though thankfully the number of people she trusted with my information was relatively low. Given that Cadance was still in my pad, I couldn't give any of the others rooms, but they didn't seem to mind. One of them even said the walk between the town and my house was "rustic and inspiring."

Fucking 'artists.' They were an interesting bunch, but I was happy to see their tails for the last time. So was Cadance, because she was getting tired of being cooped up inside while I had them chilling in the backyard. Not that I cared that Cadance was pissed, since she was freeloading and naggy, but still.

I heard nothing from Spike or Twilight, which was probably for the best. Rarity never bothered me about watching the modeling show.

Hell, everything seemed to be going just swimmingly, until the inevitable invitation to the Gala showed up.

I looked down at the royal letter with disdain. "Yeah, not going," I said, pushing it and the golden tickets aside. "Twilight forced me to go to that damn party enough times."

"It's expected," Cadance said from her position at what she was calling the family table. "You're both the Defender of Harmony and a knight. If Princess Luna has any guests, you are expected to be there to escort them. And knowing Princess Celestia, she'll probably have something for you to do as well."

"All the more reason not to go. Have you been to one of those damn things? Boring as hell. Maybe I can send Doppel in my place…"

"After the changeling model incident, everypony entering will be checked for being a changeling. If Doppel tries to enter in any shape but her own, it wouldn't end well for her."

"Well that's just discriminatory. Either way, I'm not going."

She sighed. "Nav, if you don't go, I can't go, and I very sorely wish to see my husband again. And to get out of this house, of course. It's nice, but I am quite tired of being trapped here."

"Why would I have to go for you to be able to leave? There are plenty of guards at the palace. The assassins are dead and gone. Right now you're just freeloading here to torture me, I'm sure of it."

"Shiny and Princess Celestia both think it would be better if you were around while I was there, just in case."

"And if I'm still not interested in going?"

She grinned widely. "Then I'm authorized to forcibly turn you into a royal babysitter."

"It amuses me that you think that would work. First, royal authority means nothing to me, especially since you've been staying here the last few months free of charge. Second, your foal is the spawn of Satan and no amount of watching or sitting would make any difference. Third, fuck you."

"Vulgar as always, I see. Well, I've also been authorized to tell you that a few of your friends will be there. I know the griffin king will be making an appearance for the first time in a long time. Apparently he doesn't have much to do anymore, and spends his time making public appearances. There might also be a dragon or two there."

"What about my favorite queen?"

"I've heard nothing about that bug, no."

"What about the cats?"

"It would take a month for them to get across the ocean and another month to get back. I'm not sure Celestia would even allow them here anyway, the barbarians."

"That's probably a good choice, though racist. Anyone else important? More rulers to seduce or befriend?"

"Not that I know of. So you'll go?"

"I'll think about it." I already knew the answer, of course. If Bloodbeak was going to be there, I might as well show up. It's free to attend and if I really got bored I could just leave—assuming Celestia didn't appropriate my services.

Celestia… I slowly grinned as a plan came to my mind. I know that pot can't or doesn't seem to hurt ponies. Bloodbeak and most dragons wouldn't be eating cakes and stuff like that. Pinkie can make pot brownies. I was wondering if she knew how to make anything else with it…

"I know that look," Cadance said with a frown. "Don't even think about whatever you're thinking about, Nav."

"Oh come now. Those parties are always so dull. There's nothing wrong with giving them some more life, is there?"

"Tell me what you're planning or I'll tell Shiny that you're up to something."

"Ungrateful bitch," I muttered. "Fine. You know what pot is. I'm thinking about getting Pinkie to make some pot stuff and set it on the buffet tables."

She nodded. "Then I'll be sure to eat before we leave. Just let me know what you put it in so I can make sure Shining Armor gets some of it."

"And that is why you are the best princess."

"And don't you forget it," she said with a smile.

With a week left until the party, I still had done almost nothing in preparation for it aside from getting Pinkie to help me. Her price for doing so was me getting her a ticket, which I was able to do easily enough. I assumed she wanted to watch the incoming chaos, but there's no telling with that one.

What was even more surprising was what happened during a break between sparring bouts. "Are you going to the Gala this year, Daddy?" Taya asked, levitating a glass of water for me.

"Yeah. I should just be gone for a few hours. You won't even miss me."

"Can… I come?"

"You'll almost certainly get bored. Unless you're just going to sit in the library?"

"I'll find something to do."

I sighed. "Well, do you know what this means?"

"…No?"

"It means a trip to Rarity's shop."

Her look of horror almost made me pity her. "W-we don't have to do that! I can just go like this!"

"Not as my daughter you can't. If I'm being forced to dress up, so will anyone that goes with me." I looked up to the naga, who wasn't winded, tired, or thirsty at all. I was getting better, but I was by no means anywhere near his equal. "I need to turn this break into a stopping point. Gotta help Taya with something."

"You have hit me once and you plan to leave already? I expect more from true trainees of the naga."

"Yeah, but most of them don't have kids. I'll be back when I'm finished helping her. Take a chill pill or something."

"I do not need ice to cool me down, Navarone."

I fucking hate you sometimes, Pinkie. I achingly stood from the ground and stretched my body before reaching around and unbuckling my breastplate, letting it fall off my body. I quickly removed the rest of my upper body gear and the boots, leaving on my metal greaves. My chest and feet were uncovered because that armor is hot and walking in those boots is a pain. I was barely decent under the lower armor and I could see Rarity kicking me out of her shop if I walked in with just that stuff on. And god, getting through town would be awkward.

Anyway, Taya and I started walking into town, though she was definitely reluctant. I don't know if it was because she didn't want to see Rarity or if it was because she didn't want to see Rarity in one of her moods. Both seemed equally as likely.

Hell, I was hoping that she was even in. Ever since she started using Twilight to help her translate that damn manga, she seemed to spend a lot more time in Canterlot. I had quite a bad feeling about what that meant.

We got through town with no trouble. Since Rarity isn't the kind of person to put signs in her window or on her door if she's open or closed, I knocked and waited a few seconds before slowly pushing the door open.

"Why knock if you're just going in anyway?" Taya asked.

"It's a sign that you're not a burglar and it lets them know you're there," I answered, stepping inside. She followed me after a moment's hesitation and regret. "Yo Rarity, you open?" I called. When there was no answer, I said, "I know you're here because you lock your door when you're not. Is this about the spanking? I know you're mad, but this is a matter of fashion."

Yeah… There were a whole lot of rumors when she came into town with several red handprints on her ass. And apparently Big Mac actually tells things to his family, so when all three of the Cutie Mark Crusaders galloped into town to ask Rarity what a spanking fetish was in the middle of the marketplace, things went from humorous to hilarious.

Come to think of it, that might be one of the reasons she spends so much time in Canterlot these days. At least there she had plenty of other mares that had apparently fucked me, so she was in good company.

"I am trying to wallow in embarrassment, Navarone!" Rarity wailed, poking her head out of the door to the stairs to her room.

"That's nice. Can you make Taya a dress for the Gala?"

"Only if you apologize and pay me back!"

"Apologize, maybe. Pay you back, probably not. How about this: You make her a dress, I apologize, and I don't tell everyone at the Gala that my daughter had to attend naked because the great seamstress Rarity was completely unable to come up with any designs."

"You wouldn't dare!" I crossed my arms and smiled. "So it's come to this. And I thought we were friends."

"Forced acquaintances at best," I said with a shrug. "You make me do things I hate and I torture you for them. That hardly seems friendly."

"It's a give and take relationship."

"Yeah. You take whatever you can and I give you whatever punishments I can. That's hardly equal."

"Call our relationship whatever you want. It works, and that is enough. Now deliver your heartfelt apology and I shall begin making Taya a wonderful dress!"

"Whoa, it has to be heartfelt? That wasn't part of the deal!"

"It is hardly an apology if you don't mean it, now is it?"

"You're just asking too much… How about this: I'm sorry for accidentally revealing to the town that you have a fetish for being spanked."

"Daddy, what's a fetish?"

"Not now, honey. Well, Rarity?"

"That is not what I meant when I demanded an apology!"

"Well an apology is hardly real if it's demanded."

"Oooh! Fine! Taya, come along. I shall measure you at once and begin your dress immediately. Let it be known that Rarity will deliver even if not all parts of the deal are upheld!"

"Hey, does that mean I can tell the people at the Gala that you're out of ideas?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Only if you want to assist me with a live reenactment of the yaoi tentacle hentai I brought back. Stephen Magnet and his partner would love to have you."

"I would kill you so hard that you died to death. Speaking of which, you better not dress my daughter up like something from any of that anime shit."

She grinned innocently. "Why, I would never do that!"

"Yeah. It sure would be a shame if we had a live reenactment of that spanking scene in the middle of the marketplace."

Her ears twitched awkwardly when I said that. "Yes… It would."

I nodded. "Good. Taya, listen to Rarity. She's usually useless—"

"Hey!"

"—But she knows her fashion. Okay?"

Taya sighed. "Okay, daddy…"

"Excellent. Rarity, make her adorable. Now, I need to get back before the naga gets antsy."

I was out the door before either could ask what I meant by 'adorable.'

I giggled to myself as I flew home, hoping Rarity would actually make someone want to ask Taya to dance—if there was anyone else her age there, of course.

…Nothing ever tends to go my way. When I got back to my humble home—humble if you go by how much I paid for it, that is—Cadance immediately stopped me. "Nav, can you go into town and drop off a note for me?"

"Why can't Doppel do it?"

"She's cleaning the armor you so carelessly threw about the yard. Really Nav, you should know better than to just leave that stuff in the grass."

"Taya can flash her horn and make that stuff clean in an instant. I usually let her do it and count that as her chores." Though I think I'm going to have to figure out how ponies cut lawns soon. I don't think Doppel will be amused if I make another joke about getting her to do it with scissors.

She rolled her eyes. "So can you go into town for me or not?"

"Sure, whatever. Where am I going?" I asked as she passed me the note with magic.

"Rarity's boutique. I don't have my normal dressmakers available to help me. Shining Armor was going to see about sending them to me, but it appears they're swamped.

I shrugged. "Alright. That's a quick and simple flight." I tucked the letter into a pouch I held on my belt. "I'll be back in a bit. Don't expect an immediate response."

"I don't. I expect that she'll come by soon enough."

"Whatever." I stepped back outside and took off toward town again. I didn't want to interrupt Rarity's dressmaking scheme and possibly bump into an unhappy Taya, so I had a different idea in mind. I landed near the first filly I saw, some red-headed kid with a candy cane cutie mark. "Hey kid, I'll give you two bits if you drop off a note for me."

"S-s-shir Navarone!" I winced internally at the filly's lisp. Her voice seemed to take on a dreamy tone as she said, "What can I do for you?"

I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out the note. "Deliver this to Rarity in her boutique. If she's not there, just leave it where she'll find it."

"O-of courshe!" She snatched the note out of my hand and bounced from hoof to hoof, waiting for me to give the word for her to go.

This is getting somewhat creepy. I reached down into my pouch again and pulled out two bits. "For your trouble. Thanks for the help."

"No, no, I don't mind!"

"Look, I'm paying you, like it or not." I reached out and set the coins on her head, accidentally brushing her hair. She seemed to freeze at the contact. I quickly pulled my hand back, fighting the urge to rub it off on my metal pants. I settled for nodding. "Thanks again." With that, I took off, happy to get away from what I knew was going to be increasingly common as my good and bad reputations grew and Luna's dreams of me continued to fester.

Since there was little I could do to stop the daydreams and crushes of silly fillies other than finding a special somepony, I didn't worry about it. Much. Instead I focused on getting home to continue getting my shit wrecked by Ames.

When Taya got home that night, she looked somewhat traumatized. She wandered in like a victim of shell-shock, her eyes wide and seemingly looking forever. When prompted, all she had to say was, "I hate dresses."

Cadance seemed to have the opposite reaction when Rarity brought in enough dressmaking gear to take over our entire living room for her. I think Taya had a relapse when she woke up and found her nightmare was downstairs waiting for her. She immediately squealed and pile-drived me in the chest in a hug, trying to hide from the dressmaking menace. It took most of the naga's forced physical training for me to not slam into the ground.

All in all, it was rather humorous.

I have to say, I somewhat wish that the day of the Gala had been rainy and miserable, but when you can control the weather, you don't let the biggest party of the year get rained out. So instead of the dark and gloomy skies I was hoping for, the summer day was bright and clear, warm but not too hot. It reminded me of a typical spring day back home.

It's not very fitting, given that this is the day I almost died. Again.

Twilight, Pinkie, and Rarity each managed to find a different way to the Gala. Twilight got a ride from Celestia. Rarity used her influence to score a ride. I don't want to know how Pinkie did it.

Cadance used her princess powers to get a nice chariot for me, Taya, and herself. I offered to let Doppel go, but after learning she had to stay in her own form, she wasn't interested. I also offered to let the naga go. He laughed in my face.

I didn't want to be affiliated with Luna or remind anyone that I was her knight on this trip if Bloodbeak was going to be there, so I decided not to wear my armor. I could have worn the extra gay harmony armor, but fuck that noise.

So I suited myself up in some nice-ish clothes, my sword, and a few daggers here and there. I wanted to bring my gun, but I knew Twilight would probably attend and I didn't want her to get a close look at it. Cadance and Taya took forever to get ready. Taya, because she didn't want to be seen in her dress. Cadance, because she's a woman and therefore slow.

When Taya came down, my eyebrows shifted up in surprise. I hadn't seen her dress, since I knew Rarity wouldn't fuck up. It was a bright white dress with puffy sleeves and a few pink frills around it. She had a tiara with what looked like sapphires and a matching necklace. It looked like something that might be in an anime, but I don't know shit about that stuff so it didn't really matter. And hell, I didn't want to drag Rarity into town to spank her.

"Looks more like a wedding dress," I said, crossing my arms. "But it'll definitely do. So where's Cadance?"

I think she was listening and waiting for me to say that, because she started stately walking down the stairs, trying to do that thing you see in the movies where everyone turns and looks at the woman coming down the stairs to see her grace and beauty.

"Hurry the fuck up. As slow as you're walking, we'll be even later."

Her eyes jerked open and she looked at me with a mix of surprise and indignation. "Navarone! I have to practice!"

"You're already married. Unless you plan on offing Shiny, you don't need to ever do that bullshit again. Now come on, the carriage is waiting."

She rolled her eyes. "He just doesn't understand, Taya. Shall we?"

"…Understand what?" Taya asked with no prompting from me.

Cadance sighed and said, "I weep for the fillies and colts of this day and age…"

"You've been reading too many shitty romance novels," I said, walking over to the front door. "Now come on."

"If I recall," Cadance said, finally moving her ass, "you were the one that didn't want to come."

"That was before I learned Bloodbeak was going to be there. That dude is awesome. And a dragon or two is even better. Maybe it'll be Reginald and he can tell me more about the suppressed history of Equestria that Celestia doesn't want her ponies to know because it makes her look bad."

"Nav, you're starting to sound like one of those crazy Old-Earthers, talking about how pony kind is built upon the ruins of many great and mighty civilizations and how Celestia is always trying to cover it up."

The things I could teach you… God, I could make Cadance the perfect subversive agent. Either way, I didn't answer and we all boarded the chariot in relative silence.

"So Taya," I finally said, "why are you going, again?"

"I have my reasons."

"If you keep deflecting, I'm going to follow you around all night and act like an overprotective father. You didn't ask to go because you wanted to party, I know that for sure."

She sighed and used her horn to make a camera appear. "Remember that annoying colt, Featherweight? The deal was that I get pictures of anything interesting happening in the Gala and he pretended to be my friend for a little while. Even if it didn't work as we planned, he still did as he said he would."

"Don't make trouble, then. If anyone asks you to put the camera away, do so until that person is gone and you don't think you'll get in trouble for it."

"Nav!" Cadance was glaring at me for my good advice. "That's terrible advice!" Everyone's a critic. "Taya, it's good that you're upholding your end of the deal—though it's deplorable that such a deal existed at all—but you shouldn't risk getting you and your father in trouble like this."

"I'll be careful," she answered, making the camera disappear again.

"Well, be sure to keep an eye on Celestia, either way," I said. "With what a friend and I have planned, this is going to be one hell of a party. Speaking of which, don't eat any of the sweets here. I know Pinkie supposedly spiked something that will almost definitely be served to Celestia, but she also said she went a little overboard with her gypsy magic, or however she does her Pinkie stuff."

Cadance massaged at her head with a hoof. "Nav, you didn't restrain her? There's no telling how many ponies could get that stuff in them!"

"That's the fun part, isn't it?" I asked with a smile. She groaned. "Hey, what's the worst that could happen?" One of the days I'll learn, I swear…

"Invitation?" the doorman droned.

"I swear to God, are there any doormen that ever have their eyes open?" I asked, looking the guy over.

His eyes opened angrily before he noticed who he was dealing with. "S-sir Navarone!" He took in my small party and his eyes opened even wider. "Princess Cadance! Please, come in, come in! My apologies for making you wait."

"No problem," Cadance said with a smile before walking past him, into the door with the light pink barrier. She crossed it with no trouble. I assumed it was some kind of bug net for changelings. Taya and I walked through it without anything happening, though I think I saw it jerking away to let my body in when I stepped through with my ring on. Last time I checked I wasn't a changeling, so I didn't say anything.

As usual, the palace was decorated even more than usual, changing it from quiet and regal to warm and welcoming. Or at least, that was the goal. From the state of things, I could see that the spiked sweets hadn't been wheeled out yet.

I walked inside a few feet, smiling at the warm atmosphere of the palace. The palace always seems so empty during normal days, especially after seeing the festive setup of the Gala. It looked right, seeing it full of seemingly happy ponies, even if most of them were rich fucks that were just putting on a show.

I almost panicked when I felt something strong and finger-like grab me from behind and wheel me around, but then I saw that it was just Bloodbeak. That was all I had time to notice before he pulled himself up for a very surprising hug.

I awkwardly patted him on the back, unsure of just what I was supposed to do when a king randomly started hugging me. Thankfully he didn't make it a long one, and released me shortly after. "Hello again, Navarone. It is wonderful to see the one that made my life so much simpler."

As I'm sure you can possibly imagine, there were a large number of shocked faces around the two of us. Most of the ponies were somewhat horrified and his guards looked stunned. The female griffin standing next to his guards also looked very surprised.

"It's good to see you too, Bloodbeak. I take it you are enjoying your new government?"

"Most definitely. Say, when you have a moment, I have some things to discuss with you."

I looked around me to see that Taya was gone, presumably off to take as many pictures she could as quickly as possible so she could find somewhere to hide. With her gone, my only responsibility for the night was not a problem. Or at least, it wasn't a problem I could deal with. "This night is all mine," I said with a shrug. "What do you want to discuss?"

"Come, walk with me." That's a bad sign. I fell into step beside the aging king as he starting walking toward one of the castle's many verandas. He was talking about what he's been up to since he got so much time off, most of which involved dicking around and taking a well-needed break. When we got outside into the night air, I found that a single griffin guard was waiting there. When we got outside, he saluted and joined the other three near the doors, surreptitiously keeping anyone from joining us.

"So what's this about?" I asked, leaning against the railing.

"Navarone, I would like you to meet my daughter, Gilda." This is a very different Gilda than the other one.

I nodded to her. "I remember seeing you when I was in Gryphus, but we were never introduced. It's nice to meet you. I'm Navarone."

"Everyone knows who you are, Sir Navarone," she answered.

"Drop the 'sir' and we'll get on fine," I said before turning back to her father. "I know you didn't bring me out here to introduce me to your daughter."

"Not just that, no," he said. "I know you did not enjoy the idea of a forced marriage—" I preemptively face-palmed, knowing where this was going. "—But I was wondering if you would at least consider my daughter. All I ask is that you get to know her."

"I'm really not looking to get married."

"I'm not asking you to marry her. I'm asking you to get to know her and consider her."

"Why me, then? I'm just a knight that can't even give you grandkids. The only reason you could want me to marry her is for some kind of political advantage."

"You think so little of me as a father that all you see in this is political contrivances? I have more than one hatchling, Navarone. They are all married off except for Gilda here. Is it truly so wrong to find someone that she might be happy with?"

"Then you are definitely barking up the wrong tree." I looked over to the princess. "What about you? What do you want?"

"To not be treated like a feather-brained idiot for once. When my father insisted I meet you, that is what I was expecting. It seems I was mistaken."

Son of a bitch. Although… "You know what, what the hell. I have nothing to lose. I'm almost certain nothing will come of it, but it looks like neither of us has a date anyway." And it might piss Luna off if she sees me with her, so there's a nice little bonus.

"Excellent. Thank you for at least giving her a chance, Nav."

"Hey, maybe by the end of the night I'll be thanking you." Extremely unlikely, but you never know. "A quick question before we go. Do you know if there is actually a dragon here? I heard one might make an appearance this year."

A new, familiar voice surprised me with an answer: "There is, Navarone," Luna said, coalescing from the shadows around us. The griffins were quite surprised at this, but I was relatively used to it. "And I think Reginald would like to talk to you, if you have finished your business here."

I looked down to the griffin princess. "Would you like to meet an old dragon?"

"Old is relative, but I would certainly be interested," she answered.

I nodded and looked back to Luna. "We'll find him, then. Surely he won't be hard to miss, being about half the size of the palace."

"I could take you and your… friend to him," Luna said, a tinge of hope in her voice.

The king corrected her with, "His date, you mean." Most of the griffins probably missed the small twitch Luna made, but I didn't.

I knew pushing my luck with her would be a bad idea, so I didn't comment on it. Instead I said, "We'll be fine. I would hate to take up some of your valuable time. Shall we, Gilda?" I spread my wings in anticipation.

She didn't disappoint, winning a point of favor. "Let's," she said, jumping into the air. I quickly followed her. "I take it you are avoiding your princess?" she asked when we were far enough away.

"Yeah. Long story." She alighted on a parapet and I landed next to her, sitting on the edge of the wall. "Now that we're away from your dad, if you really don't want to do this I won't even try to make you." Lord knows that I don't need another possible romantic interest.

"If not you, then it'll just be someone else, probably a pony. At least I've heard of you! Though I haven't heard much of your dealings with your… ugh, special someponies."

"That just means censorship is still working well here. Well, shall we go find Reginald?"

"No need. I know where he is; I saw him on the flight over here."

"Well alright then. Lead the way." I know I don't mind following griffins since you can get such amazing views when doing it. Going after the king's daughter would normally be a bad idea, but when she comes to me like this it's only fair. I wasn't planning on actually fucking her, but a nice little view never hurt anyone.

And that's exactly what I got when we took off and I began following her. Thankfully, she wasn't in any hurry, which gave me both ample time to watch her and made it easy to follow her. Even knowing how to properly fold my wings didn't mean I could fly that quickly.

When we landed, I saw that we were near the giant maze where there was plenty of room for a giant dragon. Reginald had a few ponies around him, but for the most part the area was abandoned. After all, why go to a public part of the palace if you could instead go to the parts that aren't normally open to the public?

"So that's him?" she asked, looking over to the large dragon.

"Yeah. He's a pretty cool guy, but he seems to have a thing against thieves. I was planning on spending all night to talk with him, but that was before I got a date."

"So considerate of you," she dryly said, starting to walk toward the dragon.

I quickly caught up to her and said, "I don't mean that as an insult or that you're a burden. I just figured you probably wouldn't want to be around two guys talking about history."

"If it was war history, I would definitely be interested."

We were close enough now that Reginald noticed us. I would have answered her, but instead we were greeted somewhat loudly, "Ah, Navarone! It is good to see you yet again. Tell me, who is your new companion?"

"Princess Gilda of the griffins," I said. "Gilda, this is Reginald, an old hero of Equestria and the naga."

"Old, am I?" he rumbled, a small grin on his face.

"Your words, not mine," I said with a shrug. "When we met, you were rather desperate to make me know that you were older than the princesses."

"True enough. Has anything important happened since last we met?"

I was tempted to tell him of my foray into the past, but there were still too many ponies around and I didn't want to risk getting word out. "Thankfully, no. My life is calming down. It's admittedly boring, but boring is more enjoyable than someone trying to stick sharp things into me."

Reginald tapped his claws onto the ground, leaving indents in the ground. "I suppose for those of us not used to being made of scales that double as armor, that is understandable."

"So have you been catching up on your sleep these past few months?"

"Nay, catching up on the world. Much happens when your slumber lasts as long as mine. Most dragons do not bother with the world of mortals. I am not most dragons. However, much has been forgotten—usually on purpose. I will have more words for you on that subject later, when there are less prying ears around." He cast his gaze around at the ponies, glaring at them. "A few of these were sent to spy on me by Celestia. She forgets that I have the hearing and eyes of a dragon." One or two ponies quickly and awkwardly shuffled away and Reginald chuckled. "I knew that horse was up to something. She does not trust me. Meet me in my cave, when you get the chance."

"Sure. The forest holds no real dangers for me anymore. When are you going back to it?"

"After this party, probably. I might leave early, unless something interesting happens."

I grinned darkly. "Oh, something interesting will be happening. A friend and I had a little bit of fun with the food. If you can get a look inside the palace, I wouldn't be surprised if the drugs are already starting to work."

"What?" both the dragon and Gilda asked.

"Nothing dangerous, I assure you," I quickly answered. "But I suggest against eating any of the food tonight, unless you want to have a very interesting night."

"You probably should have told my father," Gilda said, smiling in spite of her words.

"He probably shouldn't have done it, actually," Reginald corrected, neither smiling nor frowning. "But it is done and thus can't be undone. Maybe I will stick around to the end of this party after all."

"Cool. Say, something I've been thinking about. Do adult dragons ever dance?"

"No. The terrain does not take kindly to it. Why? Do you wish to dance with me, Navarone?"

"Not quite. I met a dragoness in Europe that knew how to dance. I was wondering if they continued dancing once they grew to dangerous sizes."

"Well now you have your answer. What do you know of the dragons in Europe, Navarone?"

"Not much, other than that they are apparently led by someone named Pyrite. They also seem very uptight about a few laws they have, namely those against having sex outside their species."

"Pyrite… He must be over eleven thousand years old by now. It might be worth flying across the ocean to see how he's doing these days. Surely if there would be anyone that could give me a straight answer, it would be him."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that. According to some of the dragons I talked to, he's going eccentric."

"That's normal, an old curse from Discord. I know how to handle a bit of strangeness." When he said that name, Discord, I remembered something from back on Earth.

"When we meet again, you need to tell me about Discord. That name keeps popping up, but I can't find him in any history book other than that he used to rule and that there's a statue of him here."

He shook his head. "That statue isn't 'of him,' Navarone. That statue is him."

"Alright, you're going to have to explain that later when we talk. For now, I think we're boring my date."

"Hey, I don't mind," she quickly said. "Someone named Discord can't be too boring."

The dragon snorted out some steam at that. "If that is the case, I consider Nav to be correct about preferring boredom to interesting things. I have no desire to return to Discord's rule. It was always interesting and something new, but those are not always good qualities to have. And since he happened to cause the downfall of the alicorns and their corruption into changelings, he does not have the favor of anyone that was alive when he was around."

"Oh yeah, you're explaining this in detail later," I said. "Chrysalis mentioned her past in passing, but I was a little too preoccupied to ask her about it."

The dragon leaned back, the area around his eyebrows raised. "You know Moonbeam? Though I suppose she goes by Chrysalis now. It's probably best you not mention her real name, these days."

"I'm surprised you didn't already know. Yeah, I know her. She's evil, but very useful."

"I wouldn't go so far as to call her evil," he said with a shrug. "Tragic, yes. Desperate, definitely. Evil? How far would you go for something that you desire more than life itself? She sold her soul for her desire, though I think that she regrets it to this day."

"Man, how do you know all this stuff? Was whatever she did really that common knowledge?"

"No. However, I happen to know her old apprentice and her last charge. But that is a story for another time. Go back to the party, Navarone. I might keep an eye on the proceedings, to see if anything interesting occurs."

"God, that just raises more questions… Alright. I know what to ask when we meet again, then. It was nice seeing you."

"And you, Navarone. And it was nice meeting you, Gilda."

She nodded at the giant lizard and the two of us started walking back to the palace. "I would pay dearly for his knowledge," she eventually whispered when we were hopefully far enough away from him.

"You and me both," I just as quietly answered. "I imagine we have different reasons, though. Thankfully, he's a pretty cool guy so I don't really have to pay him."

"And you. You say you know Chrysalis, the queen of the changelings. You also know my father and both of the princesses here. You seem to know a number of people in power. And yet you're merely a knight. Why is that?"

"I don't want power. I'm happy enough living on my little estate and keeping to myself. Making yourself powerful brings enemies. Enemies bring pain. Being powerful also brings responsibilities. No offense, but you've probably had a life of relative luxury and ease. Born a princess and raised in a royal palace. I'm sure it was probably boring and you yearned for excitement and all that bullshit; everyone did as a kid. I quickly learned that excitement is not fun at all." We finally got inside. "Do you care to dance?"

"I really don't. I'd much rather sit and talk."

"Well ain't that a first. You're the only noblewoman I've met that didn't want to dance. Well, let's find a quiet area of the party and chat, shall we?"

"If it makes you feel any better, you're one of the few noble… men that asked me what I wanted to do. There is less love to be gained the higher rank you have, especially if you are the king's youngest daughter."

"You could try getting disowned." I pulled out a chair for her at an empty table for two, hoping that not leaving any empty chairs would discourage people from bothering us. She took the seat with a gracious nod and I pushed it in, thankful that griffins didn't weigh all that much. I took the seat across from her.

"That has its own drawbacks. Despite everything, being a princess is useful. It may not always be enjoyable, but the positives outweigh the negatives."

"If it's working for you, it's working for you. I can't imagine myself ever being royalty. I'm too much of a dick to people and I couldn't get away with that if I was too important."

"You can get used to anything…"

I was about to answer when I felt a hoof on my shoulder. I turned to find Fancy Pants giving me a rather grim look. "Hello Navarone, Princess. Nav, I have… interesting news: Be wary of my wife. She's on the prowl and I believe she would not mind adding your name to her list."

"You don't have to worry about me. I know how to deal with people like her."

"Do not restrain yourself for my sake," he said. "I was just warning you that she may disturb your little rendezvous."

"Noted. While you're here, is there anything you can do about Rarity and her influence here?"

He shook his head sadly. "It's too late. I may be socially and politically powerful, but what she has created is too widespread. Trust me, I did try to contain it, but that mare is very single-minded when it comes to such things."

I sighed. "Well, as long as no one bothers me about it, I won't mind too much."

"Oh, they would all be too circumspect to bother you about it here, but I'm not certain that respect will go to you if they ever see you in the city or in a less upscale setting."

"I'll deal with it as it comes. Thanks for the warning and for attempting to stop Rarity's stupidity."

"Anything for a friend, Navarone. Now, I must beg my leave; I would hate to keep interrupting." He quickly made himself scarce as I turned back to Gilda.

"He seems so familiar," she said, watching him leave. "How did he know who I was?"

"He's an old knight. He probably met you when you were younger."

"What was that about his wife?"

I shrugged, leaning back. "Proof of why marrying for looks is never a good idea. She's basically a slut, looking to score whoever she can find that'll have her. Looks like I might be next on her list."

"Surely this behavior is not seen as acceptable! I know that the ponies have looser morals and fewer qualms than we griffins do, but this must be too far!"

"Depends on the person—or pony, I suppose. Fancy treats it more as an annoyance than anything else."

"Then he is a fool, and hardly deserves respect or to be married. But enough on him. Tell me of you, Navarone."

"I have a feeling you already know plenty about me. How about you tell me about you instead?"

"The life of a princess is hardly an interesting one, though being the youngest princess meant I was allowed rather… different hobbies. Where most griffins would prefer to hunt and destroy, I learned and built—or attempted to, at least. There's only so much you can do when your country is built as a mirror of another." For those that don't know, the castle at Gryphus is based very much on Canterlot's castle, though it has a much darker general theme.

"So you're an engineer of sorts."

"Of sorts, yes. It was more for explorative purposes than it was for practical purposes; I do little of consequence. But I hear you and your people have machines and knowledge the likes of which we could only dream."

"We do." I felt the beginnings of a plan tugging at my mind. "If I had to guess, I'd say you were more interested in what I can give you rather than me."

"I am a king's daughter. I'll admit that you are incredibly interesting from a number of perspectives and that I would definitely like to get to know you better, but you judged me correctly."

Hm… "What would you say if I told you that I could get you the plans for every major human invention made in the last two thousand years?"

"I'd ask what your angle was. Something that valuable can't be free. You said you don't want power and you don't seem to want marriage. I can't imagine you'd need bits."

"What I would need is an assurance that a few certain someponies don't find out about this. There are a number of parties that would be quite interested in the knowledge I have to give out. Both the ponies and the changelings have begun to mimic human technology in some ways, but they didn't have access to nearly the amount of blueprints and raw data that I have now."

"Surely you want more than that. My silence is already assured; the projects of the griffins shall remain the business of the griffins."

"Have you heard of the Zone of Alienation?" This was the name of the place Luna supposedly got the dream machine from, the place that I assumed was the old Google bunker.

"In passing. It is said to be a heavily guarded vault, though no one knows what exactly is guarding it."

"I want in. Be it a war team, a stealth team, or anything, I want to get inside of that vault."

"It might take time to get such a team together, especially if I want to do it without my father's notice. I'll be going too, of course."

I shrugged. "I don't care who all goes, as long as I get in. I'll be leaving Equestria soonish on business and I don't know when I'll return. When do you think you can have the team ready?"

"It shouldn't take me more than a year. I can have them on standby until you get back."

"How long can you stay in Equestria? It will take you time to copy out the schematics I allow you to have."

"As long as I tell my father that I'm staying in Equestria because of you, I can stay for as long as I need."

"Excellent. Now what is your opinion on changelings?"

She blinked at the sudden topic change, but answered, "The squealing sound they make when boiled is most delectable. And the noise their carapace makes is also funny."

"I have a changeling maid."

"Being a princess means learning to deal with all types. I do not like changelings and they do not like griffins, but if it means having access to your knowledge, I would kiss your maid." I'll have to keep that in mind. "Are there any other tenants that I would be interested in?"

"My daughter, a naga sword trainer, and another two princesses, one of which is a baby."

"Interesting company. You know, when I had this idea, I didn't expect it would end like this. With your reputation, I figured I would have to do more to get what I want."

"First, that's insulting for a number of reasons. Second, you're lucky I can help you at all. I'm no engineer. I only have the plans and blueprints because I got lucky. Third, just because I'm a massive slut doesn't mean I'll demand sex from someone as payment. I mean, I wouldn't say no, but only after it was understood that it was for fun and not for whatever they wanted."

"I'll keep that in mind," she dryly said.

I had a feeling the conversation was about to lull, so I was somewhat happy to have a servant drop a note off for me and leave without a word.

"Passing notes?" Gilda asked, grinning around her beak.

I rolled my eyes as I opened it. Meet me in your favorite sitting room in ten. Bring your cute friend. - Big C.

I looked over to the throne room to see a heavily blushed and probably drugged Celestia giving me a rather creepy look. She winked when she saw me looking. I slowly turned back around.

"Anything important?" my griffin friend asked.

I folded the note closed and stuffed it into a pocket. "Not really. Want to help me prank some people?"

"Surely you're above such childish tricks."

"Hey, you're never too old for revenge. You want in or not?"

She sighed. "Oh, very well. I have a feeling you would do this without me anyway."

I hopped out of my chair and pushed it in, looking around the room for my target. It didn't take me long to spot Fleur de Lis in a rather fancy yet somehow slutty dress watching me from nearby. When Gilda was out of her chair, I gently put a hand on her neck and began circumspectly leading her around the room to where Fleur was waiting.

"I heard from a little birdie that you were looking for me," I quietly said to the tall gazelle-like Fleur.

"That little birdie knows what he's talking about," she said, a sultry tone in her voice. "I've heard quite a lot about you, Sir Navarone. Rich. Mysterious. And you definitely know your way around a mare." Her eyes twitched to Gilda for a moment before she added, "And many other races, it would seem. Tell me, would you happen to be interested in a little lover's tryst? You can bring your friend, if you want."

Gilda bristled at that, but I gripped the back of her neck as a warning. "It would be our pleasure," I said, smiling. "And yours too, I believe. I know just the place we can meet, assuming you don't mind missing the rest of the party."

"Ooh, a stallion that has stamina. I am listening, Nav. Tell me of this lovely little spot of yours."

I gave her directions to the sitting room where Celestia would soon be waiting. "Meet us there in ten minutes," I said at the end. "We'll be waiting…"

"With a baited breath that I'll be all too happy to take away, I hope," she answered. "I'll see you both soon." With that, she whirled around, walking away in a way that shook her tail and her hips in a way that told me I would probably regret sending her to Celestia instead of taking her for myself.

"So great," Gilda said, turning on me. "You got us in a threesome with a whore. How is that a prank?"

"That is merely the first step. Come, we have a daughter of mine to find." If I was correct, I was about to both make Featherweight's balls drop and also get frontline news for months.

"Where are you going with this, Navarone?" she asked, following me.

"The note I got was from a prominent citizen asking me to meet her in the place I just told Fleur to go. This prominent citizen is also baked off her mind with drugs, meaning that whoever goes into that room better be ready for the time of their life. My daughter brought a camera for pictures for a newspaper. So if I take pictures of what will be happening in that room, those pictures will be plastered all over the news. That is my prank."

"You know, you could use those pictures for blackmail instead."

"I could, yeah. I like my idea better, though."

"Whatever. What does your daughter look like?"

"She's a purple unicorn with a white dress. Last I saw, she was wearing a sapphire tiara and a matching necklace."

"Wait here. I'll do a circle around the palace and see if I see her." Before I could answer, she used her feline speed to bound out of the palace and take off.

I shrugged and grabbed a drink from a passing waiter, hoping it wasn't one that Pinkie had spiked. I took a moment to lean against the wall, folding my wings so they didn't ache, and listened to the music. It was something from my world, but I couldn't place it offhand. I saw Octavia playing in the band, but she was too engrossed in her music to notice me.

Whatever the drink was didn't taste like it had been treated, so I sipped at it as I continued looking around. The effects of the drugs were definitely noticeable. I could see a number of confused and presumably drugged ponies ambling around like zombies, though few others were paying attention to them. Some were staring off into space, pupils heavily dilated. I think a few were asleep standing up, their heads drooping and small rivulets of drool creeping down from their mouths.

"Well, Nav?" a familiar voice said, popping out of nowhere at my side.

"I think we did good, Pinkie," I answered, nodding. "Do you happen to know where Taya is?"

"Nope! Say, wanna dance?"

"Nah. My date'll be back soon and I don't want her getting the wrong idea."

"Oooh, can I meet her?"

"I'd rather you didn't, but I'm hardly going to stop you. She's Princess Gilda, a very different Gilda than the one you know. Do you know if Rarity or Twilight have any drugs in their system yet?"

"They both do. I made sure of that personally! The smiles they have on make this totally worth it!"

"Cool. And whatever you gave Celestia, make sure you never use it again. From the look on her face, she's about ready to fuck anything that moves."

"That sounds fun to me, though. I remember that one time at the Europe party when she was in heat and I was a stallion and you abandoned me. It was a lot of fun for everypony!"

"True. But she can go overboard very quickly. And I really, really hope you didn't give whatever you gave to Celestia to Luna."

"Uuuh…"

I immediately dropped the half-smile I had. "You didn't."

"Well, I don't know if she actually ate it… But I did."

My wings twitched, trying to unconsciously escape. "What do you mean, she might not have eaten it?"

"Well, I heard Luna wasn't much one for sweets. Or at least, not nearly as much as Celestia. I made sure it was in Luna's dessert, though. It helps mask the taste."

"Oh great. I have both Molestia and Lunaughty on the loose." I sighed and twisted the ring on my finger, grateful that there was little they could do to me while I was wearing it.

"Sounds like a chance to score sisters to me!" Pinkie said, her usual good mood shining through.

"If I was interested, sure. But I'm here with someone, and that's just bad form. And there she is now." Gilda was ambling back in from the door from which she left.

"Found her," she said as soon as she was close enough. "You ready?"

"Yeah. One thing, though: This is Pinkie, a friend of mine. She wanted to meet you."

"And be your friend!" Pinkie yelled, being her normal self.

"Uh huh. Well, you've met me. Shall we, Navarone?"

"Lead the way." I wasn't about to subject anyone else—or myself, for that matter—to Pinkie any longer than I had to.

"Aww…" Pinkie groaned as we quickly left. I regretfully slipped my ring off to follow Gilda into the air, letting her lead me to where Taya was hopefully waiting.

"You really don't lack for the company of mares, do you?"

"Nope. A few bad decisions and a few fun decisions and you build up a reputation. Mix that with a relatively open society and I get laid a lot."

"I imagine that does wonders for your love life."

"Hey, you came looking. But for the most part, the women I run into don't want anything more than sex. And a few of the older ones don't want anything at all."

"Well isn't that unfortunate. I'm sure you can always find a bug that might be willing."

"No chance in hell. Changelings are fun to fuck, but I don't think I could be in a relationship with one. Ah, there's Taya."

"It is weird to see a predator with such poor eyes," she commented as we began descending. "Are all humans like this?"

"Some are better, some are worse. I think I'm a little above average, but I could be wrong. We don't really need eyes that are so sharp when we can make things that magnify our vision and kill from a distance."

"And you could give us schematics for such things?"

"The magnifiers, sure. Hell, you guys already have those, in the form of binoculars or telescopes." We finally landed next to a rather bored looking Taya. "There you are."

"Hi, Daddy. This isn't as easy as I was hoping."

"It might be easier if you were in a place with a lot of people instead of out here in the garden." She looked around, sighing. "Either way, I can get you the pictures you need. I just need to borrow your camera for a few minutes."

She wasted no time at all using magic to pass me the camera. "Have fun."

"Cool. Meet me back in the entrance hall. There's a pretty good chance we'll be leaving after I get these pictures. I just want to let Cadance know before we jet."

She grinned, nodding. "See you soon, daddy!" she quickly said before galloping off, presumably hoping I wouldn't change my mind and make her come with me.

"I figured any daughter of yours would be more lively and social."

"If only. Now, one more quick trip left. Let's go for a short walk in a nice, secluded garden."

"I trust there's a reason for this other than your carnal desires?"

"There is." I spread my wings and took off, trusting that she would follow me. She did, not that it really mattered one way or another. I led her to the garden courtyard that had the window that pointed into the sitting room that I despised. I waited for Gilda to land before slowly and quietly walking up to the window, peeking inside. What I saw instantly made my wings shoot out.

Gilda snorted, not even making an attempt to look through the window. I tried bringing my wings under control before giving up and lifting the camera to snap a few pictures. Thankfully, Taya doesn't know how to work a camera so the flash was off. I was able to get a few shots of Celestia using her hair to pretend to be a tentacle monster to Fleur, who couldn't decide if she should be pleased beyond belief or horrified.

When I deemed that I had enough footage to give the newspapers years of material, I backed away from the window. "Let's go. Quickly," I whispered.

She looked at my wings, grinning. "Can you even fly like that?"

I answered her question by taking off. I punctuated that answer by getting only as far as a courtyard over before being forced to land. She landed next to me, laughing her ass off.

"Yeah, very fucking funny. It's not my fault I have pegasus wings."

"I-I could help," a new voice quietly said. I had my hand on my sword and positioned myself in front of Gilda before I even realized what I was doing.

"Wait… Is that you, Smiles?" I asked, looking at the night guard that also seemed to have some very extended wings.

"Y-yes sir! And… ignore that. I've been having these terrible urges for half an hour."

"You looked pretty alone out here before we showed up. Just steal with it yourself."

"I'm on patrol, sir, and Princess Luna herself knows I'm out. She was even nice enough to give me her dessert when she heard my stomach growling."

I flinched internally at that. "Well, good luck, and I hope your patrol route takes you near one of your boy toys. I need to get the princess here back to the party."

His ears jerked straight up before drooping down. "Yes sir…" After the adrenaline rush I had when he spooked me, my wings were back to their normal state. With that, I was able to take off. I thought I heard him muttering, "Stupid!" as I left, but I could have been mistaken.

"You pick up the strangest companions," Gilda commented as we lazily flew over the palace. "Or perhaps that was more than a companion?"

"I don't swing that way." Aside from that one time. "It just happens to be useful to know a few people that you are leading."

"I'll keep that in mind."

We landed back in front of the palace and let ourselves back inside. I slid the ring on as we walked through the pink shield, feeling safe again. At this point, I knew that Luna didn't end up getting the drug, but Celestia still had it in her and Fleur might not have been enough to sate her.

All things told, though, it was looking to be a good night.

I easily spotted Taya standing against the wall, looking very out of place in the party that was populated almost entirely by adults. It also helped that she was one of the only people there that was alone and acting reasonably sane; at this point in the party, most of the guests were baked off their ass. There wasn't any chaos, but nor was there really any order. As we walked over to Taya, I took a picture here and there, documenting what was probably going to be the most well-remembered Gala in a long time.

By the time we finally got over to Taya, Cadance was waiting there with her. "Are you ready to leave, Nav?" she asked, looking around the room. "You've done a very good job ruining this Gala, and I believe it is time for us to leave."

I handed the camera to Taya, nodding. "Yeah. I'm ready. How's Shiny?"

She grinned. "He's having fun talking to a lamp that he thinks is me."

"Excellent. Cadance, this is Princess Gilda. Gilda, this is taffy-pony."

"We've met," Gilda quickly said. "I did not know her as taffy-pony, though. I take it this is to be one of my temporary housemates?"

Cadance sighed, massaging at her head with a hoof. "Nav, did you take yet another mare into your house without asking me?"

"This is a princess. Chill the fuck out. It'll only be for a few days anyway, and that's just assuming her father even gives her permission. Hell, aren't you supposed to be out of my house by now anyway?"

Cadance just sighed, shaking her head. When she looked back up at me to answer, her eyes went wide and unfocused, staring somewhere behind me. After a moment, her mouth dropped.

I knew that look. I whirled around, a hand to my sword. I was quite surprised at the sight I beheld: This stallion looked like Blueblood before his fall, though his coat and hair were muted and darker. His eyes seemed to have an intensity to them that they were lacking before. And of course, they were fixated dead on me as he slowly walked through the hall on legs that seemed to have more joints than they should.

I quickly turned back. "Now would be an excellent time to leave," I said. "Let's find somewhere that isn't here to be, shall we?"

"Navarone!" In his voice was a hatred and in my name, an accusation. "Or is it Sir? Sir Navarone, Defender of Harmony. Some defender you are, though."

I turned back, crossing my arms. "Is that all?"

"I did not go through what I went through and make the deals I made to tell you that, fool! I challenge you to a duel to the death, Navarone, winner takes all the loser possessed."

"Not even a little bit interested."

"Oh, so you show your cowardice! What a big surprise, seeing the human show his true colors after so long!"

"I have learned one very important thing about people like you: They thrive on attention. Goodbye, Blueblood."

"That's Prince Blueblood, you dirty ape!"

Cadance jumped to my defense, though I figured Gilda might have done the same if she was quick enough. "Any so-called prince that abandons his ponies and his kingdom in a temper tantrum deserves neither titles nor respect. You are a prince no longer, Blueblood; you lost your titles a week after you left."

I took a small amount of satisfaction in seeing the look of horror on his face before making what was almost a terminal mistake and turning around. "Now that this is dealt with, I think it's time to—"

"MOVE!" Flo screamed, trying to warn me.

I had no time to move before I felt something tearing through my chest. My eyes opened wide, staring down at the red and white grooved horn that was protruding a few inches out from where my heart was supposed to be. In my shock and horror I didn't feel it, but Blueblood used a hoof to push me away as he pulled back, knocking me to the floor.

I couldn't even feel the pain, just a dull emptiness as my amber life-fluid tried to close the gaping wound that I was almost positive to kill me. The last thing I remembered was a massive flash of heat and light before I woke up in Flo's cool embrace.

"I… I'm not getting up from this one, am I?" I quietly said, barely able to feel myself conscious even in my mind.

"Shh, Nav," she whispered, gently patting at my hair. "I'm here for you. I'm here, and I won't let you die. Not like this."

I could still feel myself slipping. My body was augmented and mutated, but when you get stabbed in the heart there's only so much you can do.

"Don't think like that," she quickly said. "I'll take care of you." I was barely able to hear her at that point. I let myself drift away, almost feeling relief.


	81. Chapter Seventy-Nine

**Chapter Seventy-Nine**

I don't know how I woke up. I've survived too many things that should have killed me. Getting stabbed in the heart should have fucking done it.

I groaned, a hand automatically going to my head as my eyes opened and the light flooded in. At this point, I knew better than to even try sitting up; I've been in enough hospital beds to know that sitting up before the doctor tells you to is not a good idea.

The hand that wasn't blocking the light from my eyes was nuzzled by something furry. I gently caressed it, happy that I could feel no pain. "Taya?" I whispered, expecting the furry thing next to me to be her.

"Yes, daddy?" she just as quietly answered.

"I get healed yet?"

"Not quite," another voice answered, stepping into the room. I actually didn't recognize that one, but I didn't bother trying to look up. "You aren't in pain because we were able to seal it off, but Blueblood was using a magic we have never seen before. Your wound is unhealable, though it seems to be doing well on its own."

"I was wearing the ring," I said, my voice picking up in volume. "I was immune to magic."

"It seems that your ring is imperfect," the pony answered. "Even Princess Celestia was surprised by this. If there had been anything left of Blueblood, he would have been questioned very thoroughly."

"…Anything _left_?" I asked, my eyes finally opening. Without sitting up, I couldn't see much more than the ceiling, but it was good to see again at all.

"Yes, anything left. There was little but ash. I will go tell Princess Celestia that you are awake. I believe she wants to speak to you."

Before I could say anything, I heard the pony walking out. So instead I sighed. "Taya, what happened?"

"It… it was horrible, daddy."

"Trust me, I know. I got backstabbed." Speaking of which, I made sure I could still move my legs. When they responded to my demands—sluggishly, though I attributed that to the painkillers—I knew my spine was okay. "So what happened?"

When she didn't answer, I used the hand that wasn't on her head to prod the area around my wound. I knew it would have been expertly taken care of, but I was somewhat interested in pony healing methods when magic failed. From the feel of things, they were very similar to human healing methods. I think I was stitched up, but I could barely feel them with the bandage in the way.

"I would not pick at that, were I you," Celestia said, walking in. "Though I must say, it is good to see you moving. Taya, would you wait outside, please? I will not take long, I promise."

I could feel her tense up at my side, so I said, "I'll be fine, Taya. I'm not going anywhere. It'll be just a moment."

She slowly walked out without a word.

"Well, there is good news and bad news, Navarone," Celestia said when the door slid shut. "Your daughter has a cutie mark now. She got it by killing Blueblood."

I sighed, feeling my body sinking into the bed. "Such disappointment… I wanted better for her. Now she'll be defined as someone that specializes in… killing. It seems I truly was a terrible father."

We sat in silence for a few moments before she continued, "I don't suppose you would happen to know anything about the chaos at the Gala?"

"Is that the part where I got stabbed?"

"No. The part where everypony was drugged."

"Then no."

"Uh huh." I saw something float toward me until it resolved itself as a close-up of her freaky face, hair jutting out. Not shown was Fleur or where her hair was. "And I assume you know nothing of this, either?" I let my vision zone out to see that it was on the front page of a newspaper.

"It looks like someone took a picture of you in the middle of sex," I said.

"And who exactly do you think did that, Navarone?"

"No clue. Look, can we stop with this twenty questions bullshit? I just got stabbed in the fucking heart. I have no clue where I am, I have a hole in my chest, and I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit."

"You're in the unicorn tower outside of Canterlot. I'm sure you've heard of it. The magic Blueblood used to put you here has some unpleasant implications. Tests were and are being run on you to see if my suspicions prove accurate."

"When can I leave?"

"You'll be allowed to check out tomorrow. You'll still be bed-ridden, but at least you can be at home. I believe you'll have a number of caretakers there. And if the griffin princess was as taken with you as she seemed, she'll likely be one of them."

"I seem to have a thing for high-class women. Is there anything else you need?"

"Nothing in particular. Get well soon, Nav. I fear you'll need your strength for the coming storm."

That was ominous and I knew she wanted me to ask about it, but I was down to the naga's level of fuck's given, so I just closed my eyes again, trying to get some manner of rest. I wasn't in pain and I didn't feel particularly tired, but at the same time I also didn't really feel like moving.

When she was bored of waiting for an answer, she left. Taya immediately let herself inside, walking over to my bedside. "How do you feel?"

"Heartbroken." She let out a giggle before she could stop herself. "I'm fine, Taya. I'm not really in any pain thanks to the magic. I also don't really feel tired, oddly. Hungry, though."

"I can go find a nurse!" I don't know if she was eager to help or eager to get away so she didn't have to see me like this."

Flo finally made herself known with, "You need to eat, Nav. I was only able to do so much. Without more materials to work with, I can't accelerate the healing process."

"That would be nice, thank you. Tell whoever you find to bring me something high in protein. I think I'll need the energy."

"Yes daddy." She bounded out of the room, happy to help.

"Now that the immediate danger is gone," Flo said, "we need to talk about what Blueblood did."

"He stabbed me in the chest. What more do you want?"

"I know that. I was there. But there lingers in the wound he made a kind of magic that I've seen before. The same kind of magic that seals my prison. The kind of magic used by the element of chaos. Yes, it is possible that it spread and it's used elsewhere now, but I believe it more likely that the element of chaos is still working in the background."

"The same element of chaos that presumably killed the humans."

"And is known now as Discord," she added. "Without talking to Reginald and gathering more information, we can't know for sure. But from the looks of things, Discord is active in the world, not confined to a statue."

"One piece of evidence does not make proof."

"His statue is hollow, Navarone. An ally of the pony that put him in that statue was attacked with chaotic magic by someone that was healed of a malady the princesses couldn't cure. This same person was corrupted away from Celestia somehow. And yourself, Navarone. You had dreams of this Discord before we met, though you may not remember him. Do you truly consider all of this coincidence?"

"I'll wait until I talk to Reginald to decide. If it is true, what can the ponies even do about it? I'd rather know more before doing anything."

"So be it. Having the elementals to help them in the fight with Discord would be a huge boon for the ponies."

"And even if he is free… Well, there's nothing I can do about it. Once I tell Celestia, I have no part in that fight."

"I know, Navarone. You are intelligent, strong, and useful, but you cannot fight Discord."

"The worst part of being a pawn is being expendable…"

"But if you live long enough to get to the other side, you might just become the most powerful piece out there."

"If." I was saved further answering by the entrance of Taya.

"I found a nurse," she said. "He'll be here soon with food."

"Thanks, Taya. Do you know what time it is?"

"Almost night time. After you eat, you should get some rest."

"I will." For the first time since I woke up, I gingerly lifted my head up, testing the waters. When I felt no pain, I tried lifting my upper body. I went slow and steady, since there was no need to hurry. When I could finally look around the room well enough, I looked over to my daughter. My eyes immediately went to her new cutie mark, two blue lightning bolts crossing over each other. _God, what have I done?_ "How's it feel?" I asked.

"It was… warm, at first. But now it just feels the same as before."

"That's not what I meant. Your first real kill. Like so many things, you can never go back. How does it feel?"

"He was bad. He deserved it." No regret, no looking back. Should I be ashamed of the path I led her on, or proud that she's taking it as well as possible?

"You should always be proud," Flo told me. "You didn't want it for her, but it's what she has. You need to support her in it."

"You feel better than I did after my first. I didn't even know his name… He has plentiful company now, though. I hope you will learn from my mistakes and learn that while killing may be easier, it is almost never the best option. Their eyes will be with you forever, though the guilt and pain will fade in time. But that's enough depressing talk, I believe. I trust Twilight knows of your new talent?"

"She does, and she's happy that she has a whole new range of things to teach me." I can't very well ask Twilight not to teach her combat magic now that her cutie mark is fucking combat magic.

"I'm sure. Do you have a room here?

"I've been sleeping next to you."

"Where's all of my stuff?"

"Some of the unicorns are experimenting with your sword. They tried taking your ring, but I wouldn't let them." She reached a hoof up to her hair, where I saw the ring dangling.

I grinned down at her. "Thank you, Taya. Hold onto it for now. I don't want to risk the painkilling spell disappearing if I put it on."

"Okay, daddy. And Featherweight was very happy with those pictures you gave him. It was… kind of creepy. His tiny wings were all extended and pulsing."

"Do you know what was in the pictures?"

"No, and I didn't care. I was happy enough to be away from him, especially when he started begging me for more pictures."

"At least your debt is paid, then. Do you know if the griffin princess is still in Equestria?"

"She and her father are both still here. They decided to wait until you woke up to leave."

"That was certainly nice of them. There's a pretty good chance the princess will be staying with us for a few days."

She sighed. "Another one? Daddy, I think you might have a problem saying no."

"Hey, I don't want it known that I'm a tease. So what if that means I give in a little easily?"

"…What?"

"Human joke. Don't worry about it. What's taking that damn nurse so long?" I mean, Blackberry was crazy as fuck, but at least she was always in a hurry.

"You want me to go look for him?"

"Nah. So who all knows what happened, anyway?" Taya used her magic to pass me the newspaper that Celestia left behind. I flipped it over from Celestia's crazed sex face to find a headline screaming, 'Past Prince Pikes Passive Paladin!' "I hate this alliteration bullshit," I muttered as I read through the article. "Well, it looks like this Gala was a failure for all parties involved." Except maybe the griffins.

I flipped the paper back over and took a minute to read the article about Celestia. From the looks of it, Fleur was very vocal about her enjoyment, though she didn't like that she was cheating on her husband. I snorted at that and smiled at the fact that Celestia and her public relations team—if she even has one—issued no response at all.

When I finally set the paper down, I saw that a nurse had entered and apparently left a tray of food that Taya was now levitating. As soon as she realized that I saw it, she gently landed it on my lap. "Thank you, Taya. Though from the looks of things, hospital food has not increased in quality since the last time I was in one."

"If you don't eat, I'll have to feed you," Taya warmly said, making her horn light up. I sighed and began forcing down the mush, whatever it was supposed to be. It was more tasteless than anything, but I really didn't want to be force-fed with magic.

When I finished, a thought occurred to me. "Hey, when's the last time _you_ ate?"

"Before you woke up." That was a little bit _too_ quick. I narrowed my eyes, but she didn't budge.

"Don't lie to me, Taya."

"It was before you woke up!"

"How _long_ before I woke up?" She looked away and mumbled something. "Go to the cafeteria and get something to eat. I need some rest anyway. Trust me, I ain't going nowhere in this state."

"Do I have to?"

"You can't take care of me if you get sick from not eating."

She sighed and looked down. "Okay, daddy… I love you."

That was unexpected. "I love you too, Taya." I rubbed her head affectionately for a moment—hugging would be a bad idea—before removing my hand. "Now go on. The sooner you eat, the sooner you can come back."

She took a moment to stand up and grab my tray before sighing again and walking out. She did her best to do it in a petulant manner. When she was finally gone, I let myself sink back into the bed, the simple act of sitting up and eating exhausting to me. "I shouldn't be this tired," I whispered. "What did that spell do to me?"

"Navarone, you can't just recover from something like that, not without magic," Flo answered. "Even with the help of me and your biology, this is going to take time. Just get plenty of rest and try not to do anything overly strenuous. I suggest against engaging in anything carnal for a few weeks."

"You're killing me here, Flo."

"I did not bring you back from death's edge to watch you kill yourself on Doppel, as amusing as it is to watch you treat her like… Just don't have sex with her for a few weeks, Nav."

"I'll try. If she holds me down and forces me, though… Well, you won't hear me complain."

"Ugh. If you truly need to be satisfied, I can probably help. I don't think your doctor will require you stay up all night if you are just going to be in bed. You will probably get something to make you sleep."

"You say that like you wouldn't enjoy it."

"I mean what I'm about to say with all due respect. Navarone, you are a slut. I don't want to anger you, but what the therapist in the bunker said was correct. You need to begin abstaining. You are using the sex as a painkiller. This will not help you get better. I would suggest getting mental help, but there don't seem to be any ponies that specialize in it. You may have to go to the land of the griffins to find someone to help you, but it would be worth it."

"I know. And you're right. But to be quite honest, I don't care. I like to think that I have earned the right to do as I please."

"If you refuse to do this for your own benefit, as foolish as that is, then what of Taya? How do you think she feels, to know her father sleeps with so many women? How does she feel to have no mother and a father that considers her second to his own base desires?"

"Want me to ask her when she gets back? You know I will."

"You're shameless." I think she meant that as an insult. "You and I both know that she would tell you whatever she thought you wanted to hear. That girl is devoted to you. You can think you deserve whatever you want, but that does not change the fact that you are a parent with responsibilities. You spend as little time with her as you can and justify it by saying she needs to make friends. That's true, but you know what would be better for her? Having a father who gave a damn. Having a father who spends time with her. Having a father who was better than _yours_."

I didn't answer, but I was rather displeased at what she said. I didn't ask for the responsibility of a daughter. I know that doesn't change the fact that she is my responsibility anyway and that I need to take care of her, but fuck, man… I was hoping she was old enough to not need or want me around too much, but in the time that I was waiting, I was left with no option but that of thinking.

And so I thought back, remembering my interactions with Taya. My _limited_ interactions… I didn't spend nearly enough time with her. Oh, I usually had good reasons for not doing it, but that didn't change the fact that I didn't spend enough time with her. I already knew that I didn't, but what I didn't realize was that Taya wanted more time with me. I thought she was mostly okay with it. Thinking back, she obviously wasn't.

I sighed to myself, knowing that there were really only three options. The first was spending more time with her. The second was getting her a mom—which wasn't going to happen any time soon, at least not by marriage. The third was staying the path and trying to make her get friends instead.

Given that Twilight was going to be taking up a good chunk of her time by cramming combat magic in her head, there was really only one option I could take. I knew I had to make a choice and that I had to make it soon.

Thankfully, I had an indefinite amount of time of bed rest, wherein I would be able to spend all the time she was willing to give me with her. Who knows? Maybe we'd find something in common that would make me actually _want_ to spend more time with her instead of seeing it as a responsibility.

God, I'm such a terrible person…

While I was attempting to think of amusing things we could do while I was stuck in bed, the door cracked open. I lifted my head to see if Taya was back, but it was only a nurse. "It's time for your sleep, Sir Navarone," the guy said, walking in further.

"Do you think you can wait a few minutes? My daughter should be back in soon."

"I'm afraid not. Doctor's orders."

I sighed and let my head back down. "Do what you have to do, then. How long should I be out?"

"Until your body wakes you up. It'll be between eight and twelve hours." I could see a smattering of light from his horn as he approached me. "Sweet dreams…" he quietly said before I felt unconsciousness tugging at me.

I woke up on top of Flo. "So you said you could help me with a few certain needs these next few weeks," I said, gently swirling my wings in her watery mass.

"I might be able to help you. I'll have to watch your heart rate, to make sure it doesn't pick up too much while you're asleep. With the wound's location, you can't afford to get excited or let your heart rate spike at all."

"So basically I'm fucked."

"Nope." I just sighed, settling in.

"So, suggestions for what to do?"

"Well, I could make this process seemingly instantaneous, like your nights in the bunker. Or I could show you calm things from my…" She slowly stopped talking. I looked up at her, wondering what the problem was. She was looking around her glade in confusion. "Something's wrong. Someone is trying to force their way in."

"Someone is _what_? Do you think Taya is trying to wake me up?"

"No, that would be different… This is… _Luna._" My eyes jerked open wide and I tried sitting up before her water trapped me. "Stay calm, Navarone. I can keep her out for a few minutes. I would make you wake up, but I can't, not without risking spiking your heart. Remember, Nav: This is _your_ dream. She may be more experienced with dream walking, but you have all the same powers she does. The machine is attuned to you, after all. I will help as I can and I can still communicate with you through your thoughts."

"Help me up," I said, my voice sounding strangely calm for as terrified as I felt.

"Are you sure you can stand?"

"Yes. Just help me up. Be ready to help me if I need you." She slowly pushed me to my feet, making sure I stayed on balance. When I was upright, I envisioned a shotgun loaded with buckshot and pulled it to me as I had in the dream world. It wasn't a bolter, but it would do the job just as well. "Let her in."

The glade seemed to grow darker as a hole opened somewhere outside of the trees. I could feel some of Flo's watery form sliding up my pants legs, embracing my body and helping to hold me upright. Luna slowly walked through the trees around the glade, pushing branches out of the way.

I think she might have been surprised when she found me standing in the center, alone. She grinned and opened her mouth to greet me.

I was suddenly five meters forward, the barrel of the shotgun in her mouth and me in a shooting stance. "You have defiled the one thing I hold sacrosanct. The one place I allow _no one_. You have until the count of three to leave, or we'll find out what happens when you die in a dream." Her horn lit up and I cocked the shotgun, rattling the barrel in her mouth and breaking her concentration. "One." She pulled away from it and I clicked off the safety. "I swear to God I will do it. Two."

"You wouldn't da—"

I pulled the trigger. Given that it was no longer in her mouth but in front of her face, the front half of her head exploded into a fine red mist, throwing her body backwards. It disappeared before it hit the ground, taking all the blood and gore with it. I dropped the shotgun and fell to my knees, a hand supporting me and another on my heart.

"Deep breaths," Flo whispered, slithering out of my clothes and embracing me. "Deep, slow breaths. A shotgun wasn't the best weapon of choice."

After a few breaths, I fell back on my ass. "Yeah, it wasn't. But fuck if it didn't get the job done. You want to bet the headlines tomorrow will say that Princess Luna had a brain embolism and died unmourned?"

"I'm afraid not. She is almost definitely still alive. I don't think she will ever try approaching your dreams again, thou—Oh." Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, it's _on_. I trust you won't mind if I take over this matter, Navarone?"

"Knock yourself out."

"A certain princess is going to learn why you don't mess with an elemental." A small pool appeared underneath me and I felt myself being laid backwards. "Just relax. I will wear her out shortly."

I nodded, closing my eyes. "Just be careful. If she finds out there's someone else in here, she'll ask questions."

"I know." I envisioned a camera over the new arena and connected it to my mind, letting me watch whatever was happening. Another hole opened and Luna entered again, fury written across her face. As soon as she stepped inside, she fell into a pit full of bubbling and steaming water. Her shrieks of pain and surprise were cut off by the hole sealing shut.

"One," an angry Flo announced, as though she was counting victories.

Seconds later, another hole opened and Luna reentered, immediately catching a spike of ice through an eye, going completely through her head.

"Two."

Another Luna appeared, her horn glowing and a shield immediately forming. Less than a second later, she started leaking blood from every orifice she had. Three seconds later, blood ripped away from her body, pulling away from her and dropping her to the floor, dead.

"Three."

And another Luna, who began sprinting as soon as she hit the ground. She was caught with razor wire.

"Four."

Another Luna, falling into a pit that looked like it led to a grinder.

"Five."

Death by trip mine.

"Six."

She sprinted again and tripped on a fallen log, breaking her neck.

"That counts. Seven."

Electrocution. Explosive decompression(somehow). Mustard gas. She kept coming and Flo kept thinking of ways to kill her. It was the most amusing thing I had seen in a long time.

Finally, after over twenty attempts, she stopped. Flo brought herself back to where I was and slid over me, covering me up to my head in water. "I believe she will leave us alone for some time. I told you that I would protect you and your mind, Navarone, and I meant it."

"And I thank you, Flo. I want as little to do with that crazy bitch as possible. Any words she has for me can be given to my waking face, while I'm wearing my ring or at least not injured. I gotta say, that was a pretty inventive use of sunflower seeds."

"I had a long time to think about things," she said by way of answer. "Now, shall we—Not again!" She pulled away from me but stopped. "This is… different." She looked up at the sky for a moment. "Navarone, open your eyes."

I did so and saw that there was a message written in stars: "I just want to talk."

After thinking about it for five seconds, I closed my eyes again. "I don't see a thing." Flo apparently agreed, as she drifted back over me, giving me a watery blanket. "If Luna can invade my dreams like this, can I invade someone else's? I wouldn't mind giving a few certain people horrible nightmares."

"It… might be possible, Nav, but you would need training to do it safely. What Luna just did to you, with the constant forced invasions and getting killed, was extremely risky. You would need someone to teach you how, and the only one that knows how is Luna."

"Oh well. I suppose I have no real business in the minds of others anyway. Hell, how did Luna even get in here?"

"Now that I know this was her, I can tell that she's been prodding around for a while, trying to figure out where your dreams were. It seems that she finally figured it out and let herself in."

"She better not make this a common thing. If she starts bothering me again, I'm going to Celestia."

"Do you really think Celestia will do anything to stop her sister?"

"No, but I would rather tell her anyway, just in case. Who knows? Maybe she'll decide that I need some fairness."

"Unlikely, but it's cute that you think so." I felt her body begin to warm up, the cocoon surrounding me heating my weary body. "I can protect you from Luna's nightly intrusions, at least. The more she tries to attack, the more I will learn her methods and be able to stop her. If she continues, I might well be able to learn how to she invades in the first place."

"That's a tough tradeoff. Risk getting raped in my dreams for the possibility of being able to invade the dreams of others."

"To be quite honest, I don't think she wanted to do anything to you."

"Should I let her in?"

"No. Do you let the wolf in the sheep's pen if he promises to behave?"

"If I have a rifle against his head, I'd consider it."

"Then it's a good thing you were never a shepherd. You kill wolves on sight, Navarone. Except for Freki, I suppose."

"For being a peaceful and loving water elemental, you're very violent."

"Maybe you rubbed off on me, then."

"No, I just rubbed off in you. Speaking of which…"

"Ugh. _No_. I will not risk your health, not if the simple act of dealing with Luna put you on the ground. Just lie back and relax. Let me serenade you with something beautiful…" I sighed and did as she asked, letting her begin to sing as I slowly used clouds to cover the message Luna left me.

I woke up feeling stiff and sore, a dull pain slowly stretching across my chest. I tried moving both of my arms to clutch at it, but only one of them moved. I turned my head to the other arm, finding Taya clutching it as she slept. I really wanted to comment on how adorable that was, but I was in the middle of being in pain, so I abstained.

Instead I looked around for any way to call for a nurse or something. After some time of semi-frantically searching, I gave up. _Flo, can you help me out here?_

"I'm already doing everything I can. I could probably pull you back into your center if I absolutely needed to. It would slow your healing, though. Just relax and try to drift off again, if you can."

I began trying to take deep breaths, hoping I could zone the pain out. However, you can't zone out the pain of having a large hole in your chest. When the door finally opened, I was clutching at my chest and on the urge of waking Taya up to get me help.

The heavyset pony rushed to my bed and I looked up to see Luna's horn lighting up. A moment later, a cooling sensation rushed into my chest, quickly dimming the pain. I slowly sighed, letting my hand fall away from my chest. "Thank you," I whispered, closing my eyes and slowly relaxing again.

"You are hard to find alone, Navarone," she just as quietly said, looking down at the sleeping form of Taya. Her gaze slowly moved to me and she continued, "Why did you not let me in?"

"My mind is my own. You and your sister have destroyed my body, my temple, but I will never allow you to break my mind. There are fates worse than death, and I promise that you will find yourself in one if you make another attempt to enter my mind without permission."

"I see." She didn't sound very convinced. Her horn lit up and a flickering of magic surrounded Taya's ears. Luna's voice picked up in volume as she said, "I suppose it was impolite. I apologize, Navarone. Now, how do you feel?"

"Like I lost in a fight with an Aztec. Whatever that asshole did to me, I'm down and out. Probably will be for a while, too. Any spike in my heart rate and my vision starts darkening and I lose all my energy."

"I can assign a caretaker and a regent for you and your land."

"Pass. I'll have Doppel, the naga, Cadance, and Taya. I think I can manage. I'll be bedridden for a few weeks, but I can still make decisions."

"Are you certain? I can—"

"I'm quite certain, thank you."

"…Alright." There was a silence that built up for a few seconds before she said, "So Bloodbeak and his daughter are still in Equestria. I believe they wanted to visit you before they left."

"I know. Celestia told me. They're both always welcome at my house, and since I'll be going home today they can find me there."

She jerked slightly, surprised. "You're going back so soon? I thought they were doing more experiments!"

"Nope, or at least not according to Celestia. She said I'd be heading home today. Bedridden, of course, but I'd rather be in my own awesome bed than this one. I'd also rather be served by a changeling in a sexy nurse outfit than some random stallion."

"It would probably be a great help to the doctors and unicorns here if you stayed. I could arrange a change in your bed and your nurse."

I'm pretty sure she really wanted me to stay close enough to Canterlot that she could get away with visiting me. I was slightly tempted to take her up on her offer for the sole reason that I would have a constant visitor. But since I knew that at home I would have a few friends, Taya, and everyone else in my house, there was really no competition.

"I'd rather be home. If they want to do tests or whatever, they can do them from there. Being in a hospital is detrimental to my health."

"That doesn't even make sense, Nav."

"My mental health, not my physical health. And it isn't doing Taya any favors, either. She doesn't like seeing me like this, and if I'm at home it'll help her forget that I'm on death's edge."

"I see. If there's anything I can do to help you get better, just let me know."

"I will. Before you go, there is one thing I'm wondering. I'm attuned to the dream device as well, correct?" She nodded. "Is it possible for me to learn to dreamwalk?"

Her eyes lit up and she quickly nodded again. "I can teach you! We can begin tonight, when you're put to sleep!"

I quickly shook my head. "Dealing with your attempts to break in last night almost killed me, or at least made me lose control. I can't do a thing right now. Another question: How did you even find my dreams? I thought that device was attuned to ponies only."

"It is, in a way. However, since you helped me break it in, it is also set up for humans. However, your mind is… vastly different from that of a pony's. It took me months to figure out how to get inside. I was going to wait for the first day of fall to show you, but I figured this would be better."

Yeah, that didn't work out well for her. "Interesting. I trust you won't make the same mistake again."

She sighed, looking down for a moment. "Would it kill you to let me in, just once? Your mind and dreams are so interesting, Nav. The surface is a field of chaotic lava, a stream of wasps tearing my body to shreds as I tried to make sense of it. The deeper I got, the more insane and nonsensical things became… until I hit the center. I want to know how a center of serene calm that would put even my sister's dreams to shame can exist in the mind of something so chaotic."

"The eye of the storm," I whispered, clenching my hand tightly. "When there is so little in your life that you can control, you feel your fist tightening around what little you have left until you own it so thoroughly that nothing can ever break in. That is my mind and I very much suggest you not touch it again."

"As you wish… Do you think you will be healthy by Nightmare Night?"

"I honestly don't know, Luna. I've never been this bad before, not without a way to fix me up. I'd say that I'll probably be bedridden for another week, aside from short jaunts. After that I'll probably be on light duty for a few weeks, not doing much. I should be fine by then, yes, but honestly I don't know. Those times are just estimates. For all I know, I'll be out of things for months." I was really hoping it wouldn't come to months. I had too much shit to do to prepare for that.

"Hm…" Her eyes went back to Taya. More specifically, her cutie mark. "Navarone, I believe you know that Twilight Sparkle is my sister's personal student." Her eyes went back to mine. "I, too, can take a personal student."

"The answer is no."

"It's not your choice to make. It is hers."

"And her answer would be no."

"I will ask her personally, thank you." Before I could say anything, her horn lit up and her eyes went grey. Taya twitched in her sleep, clutching tighter at my arm. I used my other hand to gently brush at her hair until she calmed down and Luna returned to her body.

Luna turned around and left my room without a word. I really wish I knew what Taya had said.

A few minutes after Luna left, Taya woke up, stretching and finally letting my arm go. I tried reclaiming it, but she dropped her stretch and latched on again. "Hey, daddy," she whispered.

"Hello, Taya. I'm going to need my arm back eventually. It's too handy to let someone else have."

"I can't let you do too much, daddy. You need your rest, after all."

"That doesn't mean I can't do anything. I am still very capable of doing most everything I need done."

"Only if I let you."

"Don't even joke about that, Taya."

"Who's joking? It seems that you can't take care of yourself and you don't have much self-preservation, so maybe someone else should take care of you."

"And I'm sure you'd nominate yourself for the job."

"Of course."

"I'll take your nomination into consideration."

She shook her head. "Nope. Remember, you can't take care of yourself. As your only family, it's up to me to make decisions for you. I accept my nomination as your caretaker, and will begin immediately."

"I don't remember ever agreeing to this!"

"It wouldn't matter if you did or didn't. Remember, you can't take care of yourself."

"Taya, stop it."

She let my arm go and rolled out of bed. "No. I'm going to take care of you, like it or not." I reached for my pocket and my ring before I realized I didn't have it. She lifted a hoof to brush at her mane, grinning as she emphasized that she still had my only salvation. "Now you just lay back and relax, daddy. I already got all the information from the nurses that I need to make sure you get nice and healthy, so we're just waiting for you to get checked out now."

I sighed, since there was no way I could deal with her delusional fantasies at the moment. And hell, it's not like she would force me to do nothing all day. I just let myself ease back and relax, waiting for anything to happen.

It didn't take nearly as long as I was expecting, thankfully. Some ten minutes later, a nurse walked in. "Ah, you're both awake. Well Sir Navarone, are you ready to check out?"

"I'm going to want all of my stuff back first."

"Everything but your sword and your clothing was already sent home, sir. You will be given your sword as you leave."

I slowly sat up, stretching and popping various joints as I did so. "Well, help me up. I don't suppose you have a cane or something I can use?" The nurse's horn lit up and a wheelchair rolled in from outside. "That also works. I gotta get over there first, though." Taya's horn lit up without warning and pulled me out of bed, removing the blanket from me. I tried to stay relaxed, but I really don't like being handled by magic. When I was seated and the magic dissipated, I sighed. "Warn me next time, Taya. You know I don't like being held like that."

"Okay, daddy."

The nurse walked over behind me and for some reason stood on his hind legs to begin pushing me. "The princess arranged for transportation for you and your daughter. You'll be going by air, since the magic required for teleporting might be detrimental to your health after what you've been through."

"Whoa, what about putting me to sleep or blocking the pain? Or hell, even Taya moving me?"

"Teleporting requires considerably more magic than any of those, Sir Navarone. You have a large buildup of it in your body at the moment after we tried and failed to heal you, and it needs to dissipate before anything large like teleportation is done to you." He wheeled me to one of the teleportation circles they have set up in the tower. When the three of us were in the circle, he said, "Hangar."

My eyes opened wide the instant before we teleported up and out. "Didn't you just say I couldn't fucking teleport?" I yelled when we reappeared.

"I forgot that you are unschooled. What we just did was blinking, not teleporting. Relax, Sir Navarone. You'll be fine."

I tried to school my heart rate and relax, but I was understandably pissed. I held my silence, though, since I knew complaining at this point would do nothing other than make me look like a dick.

When we got in front of a large door, a unicorn standing to the side of it stepped forward, floating my sword in its sheathe. "This is a remarkable weapon, Sir Navarone," she said. "It belongs in a place where it can be properly studied."

"If you want to study a magic weapon that isn't being used, take the one from the museum, the spear. This sword is mine and is being used."

The mare's eyes narrowed slightly. "You're lucky Princess Celestia agrees with you." The sword floated over to me and I pulled it out of the air, setting it across my lap. "If it were up to me, that sword and that ring would both be here until we could replicate their effects."

"That's nice. Now get out of the way." She huffed loudly and walked back the way we came without a word. The nurse pushed me through the door into a large hangar room. "She won't be a problem, will she?" I quietly asked.

"There's nothing she can do to you without the princess's consent," the nurse said, wheeling me toward a carriage with the royal insignia on it. When we stopped outside of it, the nurse walked over in front of me. "Now I can't stress this enough: Whatever you do, attempt to stay calm. You may not have a traditional heart anymore, but until you heal you still don't want to risk upsetting it more than it already has been. You'll be bedridden for some time and because of that you'll need to be wary of bedsores. Your daughter here has been informed of what they are and how to prevent and deal with them. Apparently you don't commonly eat that much, but that is going to change until you get better. You need a steady diet to keep up the energy your body needs to heal itself. And listen to your daughter. She knows what to do."

"Most of that sounds easy." The part about listening to Taya might be a pain, though. "Now, can you help me into this thing?"

Taya stepped forward, her horn starting to shine. "Up we go, Daddy." My body lit up with an orange glow and I lifted off the wheelchair, carefully flying into the carriage. She followed me in and sat me down on one of the benches. The door clicked shut behind us and she took a seat, using magic to hold me steady as we began accelerating.

"It's going to be a long few weeks, isn't it?" I asked.

She grinned. "Time will just fly by!" I couldn't help but sigh at that. She giggled, probably thinking I was joking. A week or more with no sex, hardly any moving, and probably minimal social contact did not sound fun to me.

When we got home and Taya got me outside of the carriage, one of the pullers got our attention. "Will you be alright here, sir?" he asked.

Taya turned me back around so I could answer. "Yeah. And thanks for the ride, guys." They all nodded and the four of them started running again, pulling the carriage up and into the air.

Taya floated me through the gates and into my yard, where the naga and Cadance were waiting for me. Cadance was wearing a bright grin and the naga actually looked rather remorseful. "Welcome back home!" Cadance happily said. I imagine she would have rushed forward to hug me if the bandage across my chest wasn't glaringly obvious. No one had stopped to give me a shirt when I left, so I assumed it was forever lost. Not that it mattered, with two extra holes in it, but still.

"Hello, Cadance, naga. I trust you managed to not destroy anything in my absence?"

"Your house is fine, Nav," Cadance said. "Doppel is making sure your room is ready right now."

"Excellent. Naga, what's wrong?"

He bowed low, arms across his chest in an x. "I failed you, brother. You offered to take me with you and I refused. Because of this, you were nearly murdered."

"That's not correct for a lot of reasons, but I know you're not going to listen to me no matter what I say. So long story short, I forgive you. Now chill out. You have a few weeks off while I get back on my feet. I suggest going back home to visit your family. You haven't seen them in a while and I'm sure they miss you."

He shot back up straight. "And neglect my newfound duty of guarding you when you are most weak? Never."

"Alright, whatever." I know how arguing with people like him turns out. "Taya, get me inside." We began moving again. "Cadance, I want you to know that it would be very bad for my health if there was a surprise party waiting inside for me. The shock could kill me."

"Nopony knows you're home but us," she said. "We were waiting to tell anypony else for that very reason."

"Thank you. Give me some time to get acclimated and then we can see about visitors. Unless Bloodbeak shows up. I'll want to see him and his daughter whenever they get here."

"They're still coming by?" Cadance asked, following us in.

"According to Celestia, yeah. The princess and I have business and Bloodbeak probably just wants to make sure I'm well. Now, I'll probably be bedridden for a week or two. Cadance, you're in charge of everything the naga isn't in charge of. Naga, you're in charge of everything Cadance isn't in charge of. I trust you two can sort that out."

"And I'm in charge of you!" Taya happily said, still floating me ahead of her.

"If thinking that makes you feel happy," I answered, rolling my eyes. Cadance smirked at that. "Cadance, how do you feel about sexy nurse outfits?"

"If you want to dress Doppel up like that, it's your prerogative. I would only dress that way for Shiny, thank you."

"More likely dress him up, I'd say." That would be somewhat amusing to see and would be great for blackmail material. Especially if I threatened to give a copy of the picture to the night guard.

"What we do is hardly any of your business, Navarone." _Until you invite me to join you again._

When we finally got to my room, Cadance used magic to pull the blankets back from my bed while Taya gently placed me down. I assume it was Doppel that put a mountain of pillows or something so I could sit up and not spend the entire time on my back. As soon as I was down, Cadance opened the blinds and pushed the window open, letting sunlight and fresh air pour in.

"Thank you, both of you. Cadance, Taya never got breakfast. Would you kindly make sure that she eats?"

Taya glared at me for a second before looking to Cadance. "He hasn't eaten either. The nurse said he can't miss any more meals. And he also needs more protein, whatever that is."

"I'll make you both something," she said with a cheeky grin. She left before I could say anything, though it's not like I would stop her. Her cooking is pretty awesome, though I don't know how well she would do with meat.

So it was just me, the naga, and Taya now. "Taya, go get my laptop. You'll need the master key."

"Yes daddy. If you move, you lose your self-feeding privileges." She left, giving me time to wonder just what the fuck she meant.

"Ames, how much meat do you have stored?"

"Plenty. When I heard you were injured, I had little else to do but hunt."

"Excellent. I trust you kept the pelts?"

He frowned, not really liking the idea of leather. "I already 'cured' them. Your instructions were not that difficult. I still say rope would work just as well."

"Noted. So you're not seriously going to go full tribal warrior life-bond on me, are you?"

"If, through one's inaction, someone else comes to harm, the one that did not act is honor-bound to ensure the injured naga comes to no harm until they are fully well, and longer if the state of injury was as severe as yours."

"So how long we talking here? Don't get me wrong, you're good company, but I'm going to a place where I don't think a naga will be suited soon."

"Then well-suited or not, I will be going with you."

"Well, I can't say I'm disappointed. You'll hopefully be useful wherever the road takes us."

"As do I, Cain."

I was just about to ask him for some kind of battle story when Taya walked in, my laptop and the charger floating next to her. I didn't like seeing it handled with magic like that, but since she didn't really have any other way to hold it I didn't say anything. She levitated it over to my bed.

"Now, I need you to promise me you won't do anything on it that'll increase your heart rate," she said in a disturbingly motherly tone.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I said, grabbing at the laptop. She jerked it away from me. "Fine. I won't kill myself with my laptop."

"That's better." She gently set it down on my lap.

"Little hellion," I muttered, turning the device on. It turned on quickly and my 'to-do' list immediately popped up. I moved 'blackmail the naga into going with me' to the done list. That was mostly on there as a joke, but it didn't really matter anymore. Now I just needed a griffin, a pegasus, a trustworthy changeling, and a diamond dog and I would be prepared for anything. I was still planning on asking Gilda. Rainbow Dash went off my list when I found out that she was an Element of whatever. I had no clue where to find a trustworthy changeling, so I would probably use Doppel instead. I'd see what I could do about getting a diamond dog before I left the party, though honestly I couldn't care less if I didn't manage to find one.

My list updated, I turned some music on and set the thing aside. "Naga, you are welcome to do whatever you desire. Keep an eye on my window, if you really feel the need to protect me. If you see anything sneaking in, do something about it."

"Of course, brother." He bowed his head for a moment before leaving. I reached over and made a note on my laptop to ask him why he kept calling me brother.

Then I leaned back, wondering just what the fuck I was supposed to do. "Taya, you ever heard of chess?"

"What's chess?"

I grinned, finally having an idea of how to spend at least some of my time.

By the time the griffins came by, I had already sent Doppel into town to make an order with a carpenter for a chessboard and some pieces. I was actually somewhat happy she wasn't back when they got here, because I didn't want needless conflict that I couldn't get up and stop with threats. I believe I had the issue settled, but you don't live as long as I have in my business by taking unnecessary risks.

"Ah, it is good to see you awake, Navarone," Bloodbeak said, entering my room. I had been warned of his arrival, so I had the laptop away.

"It's good to _be_ awake. That was a closer call than I like dealing with."

"And dishonorable," he said, stepping in further to let his daughter enter as well. "I trust your wound is well?"

"About as well as something can be when it's caused by a magic that not even Celestia can circumvent. It's going to be a long and boring few weeks."

He grinned at that. "I have a solution of sorts. My daughter is interested in staying in Equestria for a little while longer. It would put my old heart at ease if you would allow her to stay here."

"You're welcome here, Gilda. Don't expect a princess's treatment, though. I would offer to show you to a guest room, but I'm somewhat indisposed. Taya, would you kindly show her to an empty room?"

She sighed. "Yes, daddy…" I don't think she wanted to leave me at all, but I figured Bloodbeak would have words for me in private. Taya led Gilda away.

Bloodbeak turned his dangerous and calculating eyes to me. "This is my daughter, Navarone. Not some trumped-up noble's daughter. If you take her to bed, it better be on your honeymoon with her."

"You don't need to worry about me. If I even tried having sex right now, I'd probably have a heart attack. Trust me, your daughter is safe from me."

"And your maid, I trust?"

"Doppel is harmless. But if you want, I can order her not to seduce your daughter." He didn't seem at all amused by that. "She'll be fine. I'm sure she'll get bored of me soon enough, since I can't do anything but lie here in bed."

"I hope not, for both of your sakes. You need something more to tie you to this world and she needs an anchor from her lofty goals."

"Taya is more than enough to tie me here, I do believe. That and these horrid wings."

"Obviously not, if you are as suicidal to turn your back on an enemy. I don't mean that you need to be tied to Equestria. I mean that you need to be tied to life. Maybe it is a melancholy old man speaking, but it seems to me that you are less than enthused with the life you have built for yourself. Maybe something like a romantic partner—a loving partner, not someone just for sex—would give you a more positive outlook on life."

"I'll keep that in mind." He's right about at least one thing: I really need a more positive view on life. I don't know if getting a girlfriend would help with that, but I figured I would find out when I bumped into Kumani again.

"I will admit, it may not be as true for humans as it is for griffins; your mind works very differently from ours, after all. But I know I was much happier when my Helga was around." _Oh boy, here we go._

Thankfully, our daughters came back in before things could get depressing. "The room is just fine, father," Gilda said.

"Excellent. I trust you will represent us well. Mind your manners and make sure not to disturb Sir Navarone too much as he heals."

"Of course, father. Now, I believe you should let Navarone get some rest."

Bloodbeak grinned. "If I didn't know any better, I would think you were trying to get rid of me. I do hope you aren't trying to seduce poor Navarone. But you are correct, and I do need to leave anyway. I may not make every decision anymore, but my place is still at my throne. I bid you a hasty recovery and a good farewell, Navarone."

"Have a safe journey, Bloodbeak. And thanks for visiting. You're always welcome here."

He lowered his head for a moment in a gesture of respect before hugging his daughter. I could hear them whispering, but I have no clue what they were saying. He let her go and left soon enough, anyway.

I waited until I could no longer hear his talons clicking on the floor before nodding at Taya. "Close the door and lock it, please." Her horn lit up and the door slid shut. I pulled the laptop from where it was hidden. "Simply put, Gilda, all of the plans and schematics you so dearly want are right here on this device. There is one problem: It is all written in a language that only I know."

"Then you'll be teaching me this language?"

"I have no idea how to go about teaching a language that's been dead for billions of years. No, I'll be translating. Unless…" I looked down to Taya. "Do you think you could get Twilight to teach you the translation spell?" That would have made dealing with those artists a lot easier, that's for sure.

She nodded. "I probably could. But… she's been asking me a lot more questions about you recently. About things you have and about your world. She would probably get pretty curious if I asked her to teach me that spell. With you unable to stop her… Well, she might be curious enough to go snooping."

"So I'll give the naga the order to kill any intruders on sight. Get her to teach you the damn spell. When you do so, mention that the naga is getting very protective and that bad things might happen to anyone that tries breaking in. Until you have it, I can begin putting together a list of things you'll need, Gilda. What kind of devices do you want to build?"

"Weapons."

"No."

"Figures… Communication, then. Letters are slow."

"Radio, then. I'll add telephones as well, though that'll probably come later." I opened the laptop up again, letting the music cut back on. Gilda flinched back as the laptop serenaded us with some old Dream Theater stuff. When I saw her discomfort, I paused it. "Don't like the sax? Damn Viking cat-birds…" I loaded up something that I was hoping would be more to her liking from a band called Damnation Angels. "You and your people seem in tune with the warrior's way."

"It sounds… better. I don't know if I like your choice in music, Navarone," she slowly said.

"Meh." I started going through my folders, looking for things that would fit what she wanted. It didn't take long for me to find the basic plans. "Alright, I have something here you could probably make with what you have. It would be basic, but once you understand the concepts behind it, improving on it is easy. Especially when you have the plans to do so. Beyond communication, what do you want?"

"Let's see… We don't really need transportation with our wings. No weapons… How about construction? Sturdier building materials?"

"I know the ponies have steel and cement. I assume you guys have that?"

"We use steel for tools. We don't usually build things with it, though. Outside contractors built Gryphus. Griffins… We don't build much."

I lifted an eyebrow and added cement and building design to the list of things to give her. "Medicine?"

"Pony healers are expensive, but medicine is not really what I came here for."

"Do you want ways to help your people or what? Even if _you_ don't want that information, you can give it to someone who does."

"Fine, whatever. But I'll take it last."

I added medicine to the list. I also added electricity, because I should have thought of it sooner. I pointed at my ceiling light. "What do you think powers that?"

"Magic."

"Wrong. Electricity, a human invention. I'll add that to the list, making and generating electricity. I'll also add light bulbs and shit. Heh, might as well add heaters. How good are you guys at farming?"

She gave me a dull look. "Navarone, none of this is really what I came here for. I want something big, something like that device you're on right now. How do I make that?"

"You don't have the tools needed to make the tools you would need to even repair this thing, let alone make one of your own. For something like revolutionizing your people, you have to start slow. You need the building blocks of industry before you can start making the special stuff like this. Electricity is the number one thing you'll need. With that, you'll be able to kick start factories that can make products to make other products that'll let you start finding the materials and yada yada. Basically, you aren't anywhere near the level required for this. I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't before you died of old age. But I can put you on the right path, which is what I'm doing." I added lighters and central heating to the list, because I remember it being really cold in the castle.

"So what you're saying is that I'll never see the fruit of my labor."

"What I'm saying is that you have to start somewhere. Given that Celestia and Chrysalis both have some information as well—incomplete, thankfully—you'll need whatever you can get if you want to stay ahead. If you don't want what I can give you, I'll go to the cats or dogs instead. I have contacts in both kingdoms."

"I was not aware that you had given this information to anyone else."

"I haven't. I gave them other stuff, incomplete things. This is raw and complete data, uncorrupted by faulty memories. Despite their head start, with some of this you can probably stay about even with them." I shrugged, leaning back. "It's up to you. Either way you're probably going to have to learn a lot of math and you probably won't be able to get started easily until whenever Taya gets the translation spell. So are you in, or are you out?"

"I'm in. I refuse to get left behind by both the changelings and the ponies. It is disappointing that I will probably not live to see my griffins come out on top, but such is the way of things."

"Excellent. Taya, when is the earliest you can learn that spell from… Actually… I bet Rarity learned it to cast on herself. She already knows I have the laptop. When is the earliest you can go to learn the spell from Rarity?"

"Whenever she can come here to teach me. I'm not leaving you, daddy."

Gilda smirked. "Admirable. You said you had another princess living here. Would she not know the spell?"

"I don't know. Cadance isn't very useful once you go beyond the realm of being a housewife. Still, it wouldn't hurt to ask. If she doesn't know it and Rarity doesn't know it, just tell Twilight that you want to learn the spell for our trip, just in case."

She nodded. "I can do that."

Gilda snorted. "You should not teach hatchlings to lie to their elders, Navarone. It inspires the growth of further bad habits."

"Meh. Let's see, what else can I give you guys… Like I said before, what about farming? One of the most important parts about keeping a country stable is having a food source. If you guys rely on hunting, about half of your population will have to be constantly hunting. The time industry in my world truly kicked off was only after farming became much easier and workers from farms could migrate to the cities, where most of the factories were. So no, farming isn't what you came here for, but without good farming you won't have enough workers to make what you want to make. With that comes a number of historical pitfalls I'll have to warn you about when we get to it."

"I don't like pitfalls, Navarone."

"Then you're barking up the wrong tree for technology. Humanity had so, so many failures. We are an imperfect race. With every new invention came hundreds of problems. Some got fixed, some didn't. I have a feeling that the very same thing would happen to your people if they follow in our footsteps. The only thing I can do is warn you as best I can about what those problems will be and how we mitigated them. And even then, I'm imperfect; I may miss things or forget them. It's the risk you take."

She sighed. "This is coming with more caveats than I'm used to. Nothing in life is ever easy, it seems."

"Damn right. I'll add farming to the list. Your people might be hunters and gatherers naturally and some may resist the change to the new ways—but who's to say they're right or wrong? I'm not going to bother adding philosophy to the list." I have to admit, it feels strange to be industrializing this world. It brought about a few moral problems that I didn't really like thinking about. _Am I doing the right thing? Should I force this world into the future and risk driving them along the failed path of humanity?_

Flo answered, "You can only do what you think is right, Navarone. Humanity only failed because of this Discord thing. There is no telling what the future might bring for this world or what it might have brought for humanity."

"Well… I think that's enough for now. I wouldn't be surprised if I have to add shit like math and physics on here, though."

"I always did enjoy mathematics," she mused, a talon going to her beak as she mused. "Though I don't see why I would need to learn more of what I already know."

"Because honey, you ain't scratched the _surface_ of what you can do with math. Unless whatever you guys have is more advanced than what the ponies have, there is stuff here that'll blow your mind. Now, I can't teach you math. I forgot most of what I learned, after all. But I figure there will be things on here that can help you learn."

"Now you're making me excited! You better be able to actually deliver, Nav. I'd hate to be so disappointed."

"And as ever, I'd hate to disappoint a beautiful lady. Any other information you want?"

Her tail twitched at 'beautiful.' "I'd prefer you not say that. My father may think you wish to court me, but I believe we both know that isn't the case. But we'll see what more knowledge I want when I have what you've offered."

"Alright. Taya, go on and ask Cadance if she knows the spell. If she does, cool. If not, well, it wouldn't hurt Gilda to go exploring the town. If she happens to bump into Rarity, she can ask her to come on by. Even if she doesn't know the spell, it wouldn't hurt to get some actual sleeping clothes since I'll be bedridden anyway."

"Okay, daddy. You better not try to go anywhere."

"I don't think I can even stand up." She barely waited for a response before opening the door and trotting out.

"I am unused to being ordered around, Navarone," Gilda said, clicking her talons on the floor.

"I told you not to expect to be treated like a princess. And I wouldn't tell Rarity that you're a princess, either. That might not end well."

"Is she dangerous?"

"No. She likes fashion and if you aren't dressed like she thinks a princess should be, there's a good chance you won't leave her boutique until you are. She also likes gossiping, which wouldn't end well."

"I don't see what the problem is if everyone here knows that I'm here. I have no enemies."

"Yes, but it wouldn't be much of a leap for Rarity to assume _why_ you're here. Do you want everyone and their mother to think we're an item?"

"Not particularly. Very well, Navarone. I shall hold my silence. But if she does ask why I'm here, what should I say?"

"Tell her that you're a friend of the other Gilda here to visit. That'll probably be enough to get her to leave you alone. If not, threaten to spank her."

"…Why would that ever seem like a good idea?"

"She's afraid of violence and pain. Hopefully it won't be a problem."

Taya reentered my room at that moment. "She doesn't know the spell."

"Well fuck. Guess you're going into town, Gilda."

"Very well. It shall be interesting to see how normal ponies behave in their towns. I'm used to a princess's welcome wherever I go."

"I'm sure that must be so tiring. The building you're looking for is called Carousel Boutique. It's the most gaudy and hideous building in town, so you shouldn't miss it if you're flying over it."

"Your descriptions are awe-inspiring, Navarone. I'm sure if I somehow miss it, I can get directions from a local."

"Good luck. Come back whenever. And be very sure to tell Rarity that I do not want any more visitors right now. Make sure that she knows it could be detrimental to my health. For the love of God, if Pinkie gets in here she could very well kill me."

"I will ensure she is careful, then. You are too useful to me to let you die so soon."

"Your concern is touching. I'll see you when you get back. And for reference, Cadance usually makes us eat dinner around seven."

"I'll be back when I get back, then. Rest easy, Navarone."

And then there was just me and Taya. "So… How have things been with your friends?"

"Alright."

"Come on, give me more than that. Unless you want to just stand there while I mess around on the computer, we're going to have to find something to talk about."

"Why aren't you dating someone?"

I blinked, not expecting that. "Well, we're leaving soon. I would hate to get in a relationship with someone that I'm just going to abandon. And I wouldn't want to ask anyone else to come with us, because I don't want anyone to be forced to choose between their old life and their possible new, terrible life."

She quietly said, "Did you just call yourself a terrible person?"

"Uh, no? Life on the move just isn't for everyone. Most ponies here would probably call it terrible."

"Uh huh. I'll let you get away with it this time, daddy."

"You're such a kind, merciful daughter. Another reason I'm not dating anyone is that I already promised to give someone else a chance the next time I see her. I hope you like dragons."

"Spike's okay. Kinda annoying, though… Are you sure a relationship with a dragon is really a good idea? Aren't they… kinda possessive?"

"Yeah. I'll admit that it does worry me. She already showed some signs of it when I last saw her. But it shouldn't be so bad, I hope."

She shrugged. "Your life."

"But your life is connected to mine. Your opinion matters to me, Taya. Say you were in my shoes. What would you do?"

"Get Fluttershy to go on a date with me."

"Alright. If things don't work out with my dragon or I don't find anyone else that's right for me on our trip, I'll ask Fluttershy out. My word as a father."

"I'll remember that, daddy."

"And that doesn't mean you get to sabotage any relationships I have in hopes that I get with Fluttershy. Don't get me wrong: I like her, but she has a lot of emotional baggage and mental problems that would take a lot of effort to deal with. And I would have to put up with all those damn animals."

"Some things in life are worth it."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. So, your friends?"

She sighed and began telling me some of the things she had been up to. She even admitted to enjoying a few things despite herself.

Of course, that led into her asking me what else she could try doing with her friends. I had to tell her a few of the things I did with my friends before I stopped having any.

By the time I finished with my few tales, we heard a gentle tap on the door. It opened a moment later, Doppel poking her head in. "Hello, master. You have a visitor, Rarity."

"Let her on in." Doppel pushed the door open wider. Freki trotted in first, followed quickly by Rarity. I think the wolf was about to jump up on my bed, but took a look at Taya and decided against it, instead standing at the foot of the bed.

Rarity, on the other hand, rushed over to my bedside instantly. "Oh Nav, I heard all about it!" I opened my mouth to say something, but she jammed her hoof in my face. "No, no, don't waste your weary breath on me. I know how horrible it must have been, being accosted by that _brute_, Blueblood. I can't _believe_ I ever saw anything in that monster! I just wish—Wait, where's everypony else?"

Taya gently picked Rarity up with magic and moved her away from me. "We didn't want them to disturb my daddy," she answered for me. "He just wanted—"

"And you trust me to relay your condition to everypony else? That's… surprising, but I am up to the task! Rarity will not let you down, Navarone!"

"Rarity, shut up," I sighed. She jerked away, taken aback. "You're the first one we contacted for a few reasons. First, Pinkie could give me a heart attack if she showed up and started doing her Pinkie shit. Second, I need to make a quick order for some soft sleeping clothes, since I'm bedridden for some time. Third, did Twilight ever teach you that translation spell?"

"She did… Why?"

"Taya needs to learn it. Sooner is better than later. When can I expect those clothes?"

"For you, I'll have them here before night falls. I don't suppose… would you mind if I brought somepony else with me? Not Pinkie, of course; I'll make sure she knows full well that you are in a very bad state before bringing her by."

"Sure. Just make sure you and the other person are fully aware that if my heart rate starts picking up, bad things happen. So no strippers or whores."

"You need not worry about that from _me_, Navarone. Ugh. But how are you feeling, really?"

"I feel fine, as of right now. I have some magic in me to kill the pain since the wound can't be healed. I can't do much of anything and that's annoying, but I have Taya, Cadance, Doppel, and the naga if I need anything."

"And your griffin friend, of course."

"I'm not stupid enough to ask much from a griffin, even if I am letting her stay here. She'll be my last resort, trust me. If anyone in town is worried, tell them I'm fine, just that I'm not accepting any visitors until tomorrow."

"Of course, Nav. Taya dear, step into the hall with me for a moment so I can show you the spell you need. Then I can get out of your father's mane and let him rest."

I nodded at Taya, who followed Rarity out into the hall and down a ways. Without Taya's watchful eye on him, Freki hopped up onto the bed and trundled over to me, collapsing onto his stomach when he was near. I put a hand on his head. I would scratch at his ears, but he's made of fucking wood. "Don't worry, Freki. I'm down, but not out. It'll take more than a sucker stab to keep me down."

He seemed to smile at that, but it was entirely possible that I was mistaken. Either way, I did take some manner of comfort in it.

Rarity came back around six hours later, accompanied by Fluttershy. My clothes were done and I had my first welcome visitor. Though in hindsight, I'm not certain it was a good idea to bring kind and motherly Fluttershy to the bedside of a wounded friend.

As soon as she stepped inside, she bounded over to my bedside, sticking a hoof to my head. "Too cold," she declared, forcing my blanket up around me and tucking me in despite my protests. "There, that's better." She looked over to Taya and Rarity, grinning sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Quite alright, dear," Rarity said. "We understand that it's in your nature. And really, anything that helps Nav feel more at ease is good."

"Ahem." They all looked over at me. "Being manhandled and forced around does not at all make me feel at ease." Fluttershy blushed at that. "Still, the concern is touching, even though I feel that you would do the same for anyone."

"Oh, um… Sorry…"

"Chill. Just make sure Taya doesn't pick up your bad habits. She's already threatening to torture me. I don't need her to get any worse."

Taya huffed. "It's not torture and it's _not_ unfair. If you misbehave or do something that might hurt you, I start taking away your right to do things yourself. You've already lost your self-washing privileges. Don't make me start feeding you, too."

"I just moved to adjust my wings!"

"Yeah, and I _saw_ that grimace you made. You start behaving, we'll see about giving you privileges back."

I looked over to Rarity and mouthed, "Help me."

She giggled. "You're on your own, Nav. I suggest you behave." Her horn lit up and one of the packages she had on her back floated over to me. The other floated to Taya. "There you both are! I trust you'll both be very satisfied."

"Thank you, Rarity," I said, patting the package that was resting in my lap(If you know what I mean). "I trust your work is its usual quality, though I didn't know Taya was ordering anything."

"It was a special order, Nav. Don't you worry about a thing."

"So, um, how are you feeling?" Fluttershy asked.

"Fine, thankfully. I can't get too excited and stuff like that, but I'm doing alright. I'd be doing a lot better if my caretaker wasn't being such a Nazi."

"You're just about to lose your self-feeding privileges, daddy."

I just gave Fluttershy a flat stare, a silent begging for help. She cleared her throat and said, "Well, if you need another caretaker, I wouldn't mind…"

I sighed. I didn't want 'another' caretaker; I wanted a different one. "If you could make sure Taya knew for sure what she was doing, that would be nice."

"Oh, I can do that!"

"Actually, daddy, it's just about bath time." She smirked and continued, "Unless you want Miss Fluttershy to assist me?"

_Oh, you bitch._ "I was thinking I could let Doppel do that. You've been with me all day and I'm sure you need a break."

"No, no. I'll do it."

Fluttershy was very blushed, at this point. Her wings were even starting to twist. "I-I can help!"

"I wouldn't mind lending a helping hoof either," Rarity added, reminding everyone she was there.

"Alright, this shit is getting out of hand. Fluttershy, Rarity, thank you both for visiting. You can tell the others that I'm fine and that they can come by tomorrow—preferably at a decent hour, if they feel like coming by at all."

Rarity nodded. "Of course, Nav. Come along, Fluttershy. Let's leave them to their bonding."

Fluttershy sighed and whispered, "Bye, Nav," before following Rarity out.

I unwrapped the parcel of clothing Rarity brought me and pulled out my new bedclothes. Surprisingly enough, she actually made them from black satin. "Awesome. I knew there was a reason I hadn't murdered her yet." I set the clothing bad down to see that Taya had also opened her package and was in the middle of putting on a very light pink nurse outfit. "Please tell me you're joking."

Her head poked out of it and she shook it. She finished putting on the costume and the nurse cap. "There. Now, are you ready for your bath?"

My wings twitched involuntarily, not happy with that idea. "I don't usually take a shower until after dinner."

"You aren't taking a shower, daddy. You're taking a bath."

"The point remains that I ain't going nowhere until after dinner, at the earliest."

"Someone sounds grumpy. When dinner gets here, do you want me to feed you?"

I narrowed my eyes. "I've been willing to put up with this so far because you've been through a lot. You keep treating me like a child, though, and I'll make sure you remember that you are one."

"I'm just trying to make sure you get better, daddy. The nurse said you weren't supposed to wash yourself since too much movement can tear open the wound. Someone's gotta do it, and that someone is gonna be me. Doppel and I came to an… understanding. I know how you are when it comes to her. Even being around her could be bad for you."

_God dammit. I at least wanted to see her in a sexy nurse outfit…_ "Whatever. Just stop treating me like a child, like I'm weak. If there's one thing that pisses me off, that's it."

"Well, maybe you need to be reminded what happens when you do something that stupid!"

"I think getting a fucking _hole in my chest_ is enough of a reminder." My hand unconsciously went to my chest as I continued, "Any more of a reminder just pisses me off."

The somewhat angry look on her face was immediately replaced by concern as she saw me rubbing at my wound. Her horn lit up and the pillows behind me disappeared as I was lowered onto the bed. "Shhh. Relax, daddy." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, slowly letting it out. _Is it really so easy to get my heart rate up?_ For some reason, Flo decided not to answer that.

"I'll be back with supper, daddy," she said, turning my lights off with magic. "Get some rest."

I sighed into the darkness as my door clicked shut. I could hear the wolf padding around the room and I could see his eyes glowing in the corner of my eye. "I hate this feeling of helplessness," I said to no one.

"You of all people should know that you're not helpless, Nav," Flo said. "You're just in a rough spot. You'll be good as new in a few weeks. Just give yourself some time to get well."

"Yeah… But you know what it's like, Flo. Being a voice in the dark, only able to talk as someone acts for you. Surely you don't like it either."

"Oh, I don't. And it does get annoying, watching you make so many obvious mistakes even after I warn you about them. Still, it is a rich and rewarding experience, at times. Being helpless puts you in a unique position to learn. And you always keep saying you need to spend more time with Taya. Now you are dependent upon her. You have nothing to lose. Think of it not as you being helpless, but rather as an opportunity to spend more time with her."

"I'm already trying to do that. She isn't making it easy."

"Either way, like it or not, you need to avoid getting angry. I know you think it's emasculating to be bathed by your daughter, but she is correct: It could tear open your wounds if you move too much. Especially if the stitches get wet. I'm sure she knows enough about anatomy to make sure she doesn't do anything she shouldn't. And you know that Doppel would; that's the only reason you want _her_ to do it."

"So I'm a man. Sue me."

"An incorrigible one. At least promise me that you'll make an attempt to behave for your daughter."

I sighed and nodded. "I can try. My success depends on her, though. She starts getting insufferable, my bad mood starts coming back."

"You don't need to tell _me_ this, Nav. After all, I know you better than anyone."

I wanted to answer that, but the door opened up and Taya walked in, carrying a tray of food. The light clicked on as she walked up to my bed. "Cadance was almost finished when I left. Are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah." I wanted to sit up, but I didn't dare move too much where she could see me. After a moment, I felt her magic wrap around me and pull me up into a sitting position. I _hated_ it, but I couldn't really do anything to stop her. She sat the tray on my lap and let it go, watching me. "I trust that you're going to eat as well?" I said, not touching anything in front of me.

"I will after you do."

_Fuck it._ I started eating. It was like that situation where I was a baby: I have the option of hating it and I have the option of possibly having fun. Why spend weeks hating everything?

However, that bath was probably the most awkward thing I have ever done. Having to explain to Taya why she needed to be gentle with my wings and a few other areas was not enjoyable.

Sometime during the middle of the night, Flo warned me that I was not alone in my room. This warning was accompanied by the low growling of an angry timber wolf, and Flo gave me a jolt to wake me up.

I immediately reached over to where I had Taya leave my rifle before I noticed who my guest was. "…Is that you, Watcher?"

"In the flesh," he confirmed, casting wary eyes at my pet. "I request that you call your hound off, sir."

"Freki, heel. Watcher, why the hell are you in my house?"

"Multiple reasons. The first, to give you a 'get well soon' from the night guard. We failed you and your family, and many of us feel obligated to make it up to you somehow."

"Well, there's really not much of anything that I can think I'd need from a bunch of soldiers."

"You are going on a trip soon. A long, possibly dangerous one. You have a small crew of battle unicorns. I'm offering you a squad of hardened guards, quite used to dealing with strange circumstances."

"What makes you think I'm going anywhere?"

"The fact that you hired an airship. Don't worry; as far as I know, Luna doesn't know. I can't say the same about Celestia. Now, I don't mean to assume too much, but an individual like you doesn't usually spend enough money to outfit a boat with plated armor and supplies that will allow it to survive in the worst of places. You're going somewhere, and we want to help make sure you come back."

"When I leave on that boat, I want everyone on it to be loyal to me. Not Luna, not Celestia, not any other king or queen. You're smart, you did your homework. Yes, I'm going somewhere. Yes, I need some people who are experienced in fighting. But until you're ready to drop whatever loyalty you have to Luna and give it to me instead, I don't need or want you on my boat."

"I'll talk to my troops. Your boat isn't even halfway finished yet, so they'll have some time to decide. Most of my squad has nothing tying them down, though, and would be happy to have a job where they actually get to work instead of being stuck on guard duty."

"Give me an answer before winter is halfway over. Make sure everyone you bring can at the very least tolerate the other races, because there will be plenty more."

"Intolerance doesn't survive long in the guard, but very well."

"Now, you said you were here for multiple reasons. What were the others?"

"The first is an offer for your daughter to consider. I know she is being taught by Celestia's apprentice, who is I'm sure skilled in all manner of spells, even the combat ones. However, I can send a battle unicorn here that will double as a protector for you and a teacher for her. I'm sure now that you are injured, your daughter doesn't want to leave the house much. This way, she wouldn't have to."

"I'll give her the option in the morning. If she says yes, how do I contact you?"

"Put a yellow flag on the wall of this house. The unicorn will be here the next morning."

"Strange, but okay. Anything else?"

"A warning. Things are moving, Navarone. We can see the signs and I'm slowly building a picture of events over time, but no one knows what everything is pointing to. But things are definitely moving, and this event just proved that you are a major player, like it or not. Heal quickly, for I fear you will need your strength in the coming months and years."

"…Okay? Can you be more specific?"

"Sadly, no. My contacts are coming up dry and I'm running blind."

"I… have someone you could try talking to, but you have to swear to tell nothing to the princesses until you come back to me."

"I'm listening."

"There's a dragon in some caves in the Everfree by the name of Reginald. He's an old friend of Luna's. Ask him about Discord."

"Strife? Fighting amongst ponies?"

I shook my head. "No, Discord as in a name. Reginald can explain better than I can. Tell him Navarone sent you."

"I'll look into that… It wouldn't be the strangest tip I've responded to. We will speak again, Navarone. For now, you need your rest. Sleep once more." His horn lit up and I was out.

The next day found me, Gilda, and Taya around a computer, trying to make sense of something math related.

"Look," Gilda said, getting tired of this shit, "didn't you say you could show me presentations or something? Like I was being taught?"

"Yeah, I did say that. But I don't know how to fucking do it. If you'd just give me five minutes I could figure it out. If you'll recall, you just fucking barged in here and started demanding shit."

"Bah! I'll be back in half an hour, then. Have your device ready to teach me when I get back."

I muttered darkly as she barged her way right back out. "She keeps giving me lip, I'll send her ass home," I said when she was hopefully out of earshot.

"You could just send her home anyway," Taya said. "Something feels wrong about her."

"Meh." I started fiddling around with the settings, looking for whatever the tech guy did back in the bunker when he showed me the map. I knew this thing had some kind of projector on it, I just didn't know how to work it. After about ten minutes of fucking around, I finally figured it out. "There. That better be good enough for her. If not, I don't fucking care."

Someone knocked on the door and I grunted, shutting the laptop and turning off the projector. "Yeah?" I called.

Doppel pushed the door open. "Spike is here to see you."

"Really? Let him on in." I slid the laptop under the covers so he wouldn't see it. Doppel stepped aside and let Spike in. "Sup, man?"

"A lot. I'm going with you."

"That will be all, Doppel. Thank you for bringing him up."

She lifted what should be an eyebrow in surprise. "…Okay, Master." She slowly left, pulling the door shut behind her.

"Taya, would you kindly blockade the door?" Her horn lit up and a glow infused the door. "Alright, Spike. So you want in. Are. You. Sure?"

"Yes."

I grinned. "Well alright then. Open my closet and reach around to the left." He blinked in surprise before going and doing so. He started giggling as he pulled out my old falchion. "If you're going with me, you aren't going to be useless. Taya, pull that metal bowl down from the top there." Her horn lit up and my naga shield lifted down where Spike could take it. "There is your sword and there is a shield, if you can lift it. So here's the deal: You learn from the naga how to fight. You leave that sword and that shield here, since if Twilight finds out what you're doing she'll probably freak out. Still interested?"

He grinned, showing off his set of dragon chompers. "Even more than I was before. I thought you'd have me cooking for everypony or something."

"Hey, if you're the best cook on the ship, I won't say no. So whenever you get some free time, come here and ask the naga to help train you. Tell him that I said it was okay. And as soon as I get better, I'll introduce you to a dragon that's older than Celestia and Luna. Hopefully, he'll be able to answer any of your questions."

His mouth dropped. After a second or two, he said, "Y-you'd do that?"

"Uh, yeah? The only reason I haven't done it sooner is because honestly, I didn't think about it. Now that I have, it's a no-brainer. Just once again, don't tell Twilight any of this."

"Dude, you are probably one of the best friends I've ever had."

"Then you've had some shitty friends. I'll see what I can do about upgrading your arsenal after we talk to Reginald. Until then, practice with what you have. I have no clue where the naga is, but he's probably somewhere around here. If you have time now, feel free to talk to him."

He looked down to the sword and shield in his hands before looking back up, a massive grin on his face. "I will. Thanks for everything, Nav. I would hug you, but… Well, I don't want to risk hurting you."

"No problem. Now go on. If Gilda tries getting in here with the door blocked, she might get pissed."

"Of course." The glow around the door disappeared and Spike quickly left, saying, "I won't forget this!" happily as he started navigating my halls.

Gilda walked in a few seconds later, looking behind her. "What was _that_ about?" she asked.

"Just a friend of mine. I got the projector working." I pulled the laptop out again and set it up. "This is probably going to take a good long while, so let's get started now, shall we?"

"With pleasure." I pressed the play button and let the laptop project onto the wall across from my bed. It didn't take her long to get absorbed into the lesson about whatever the fuck the guy on the screen was talking about.

I gestured Taya close and whispered, "I have a proposition. I can get a unicorn here from the royal guard to teach you all kinds of combat magic. He'll be coming here, so you don't have to worry about leaving me to go learn. He'd also probably know more about combat shit than Twilight would. Are you interested?"

"Yes. Very, very interested. When can he begin?"

"Go find a yellow scrap of cloth and affix it to the wall. If you do that, he'll be here tomorrow. Just know that I'm expecting you to be on your best behavior."

"Of course, daddy. When do I ever misbehave?"

"Yeah. Right. Go find something yellow and put it on the wall. Get back here soon; I don't know how long I can last with Gilda."

Her grin spread from ear to ear. "I'll be right back!" Her horn lit up and she teleported away.

_Why do I have a feeling I just did two things that might have been a bad idea?_

Flo giggled. "Only time will tell…"

* * *

A note from the Element of Chaos

I have to say, I was _not_ expecting the outcome. Blueblood had one job, a job that honestly wasn't that hard: Goad Navarone into a fight and make him strike the first blow. Of course, at that point Blueblood would die, but that's hardly important.

I massaged at my temples, wondering why I keep getting idiots to do my most important jobs.

Now, don't get me wrong, getting Navarone out of commission for some time is about as much as I was hoping for. However, HE WAS SUPPOSED TO STRIKE _FIRST_! The best way to make Celestia think that he's unreliable is to get him to snap and attack someone. Doing that in the middle of a party of esteemed guests that he drugged would be enough to cast doubt on every action of his.

Instead, Taya got a cutie mark and would get the chance to nurse him back to health. I was somewhat tempted to remove the chaotic magic digging its way into Navarone's heart, but I decided against it. It's one thing to put it there, but another thing entirely to remove it. Questions would be asked.

Thankfully, Blueblood was weak. The magic should dissipate within a month and what damage wasn't already healed by then could be finished off with magic.

But still… To make an error like mine, to allow Blueblood too much free reign… I'm slipping. I'm slipping, and it might cost me the entire gambit. The thought was enough to make me shiver in fear. I don't like losing, especially when so much is at stake.


	82. Chapter Eighty

**Chapter Eighty**—Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I bring things on myself

My second visitor of the day—the first being Spike—was Rainbow Dash. Doppel knocked on my door again some time later and poked her head in at my call. "Rainbow Das—Hey!"

The door was kicked open and Doppel was thrown out of the way by a somewhat irate looking Dash. "There you ar—Who're you?" she asked, looking at Gilda.

The griffin stood from where she had been on the bed. "My name is Gilda."

"No way! I know another griffin whose name is Gilda! Is that a common name there or something?"

Gilda nodded. "It is common for the upper nobility, yes. I am a friend of this other Gilda, here visiting Navarone."

Dash blinked a few times, seemingly remembering something. "Oh yeah! You!" She turned her eyes on me, glaring at me and stalking toward the bed. "Why didn't you tell me you were back home?! You aren't supposed to make bros worry like that, Nav!"

"Dash, I can't move. I'm bedridden."

"That didn't stop you from getting word to _Rarity_, of all ponies!"

She was about to keep talking, but Taya's horn lit up and an aura of light appeared around her mouth. "If you don't stop yelling, I will remove you," Taya calmly said. "Now, daddy, would you please explain?"

Dash was looking increasingly angry, so I figured it would be best to get it out quickly. "I needed something from Rarity so I had someone go fetch her. When I got back from the hospital yesterday, I knew I needed time to rest. A ton of visitors wouldn't give me that time. I'm sorry for not letting the news get out, but you know how your friends are. I had to ask Fluttershy to leave when she came by with Rarity." I nodded at Taya and she released Dash's muzzle.

Dash snorted. "Alright. You have a point. But you still should have told me! You know I wouldn't have told anypo—one if you asked me not to."

I nodded. "I know you wouldn't have. And again, I apologize for not letting you know. At the time, it seemed like the best idea to not tell anyone. I'm still worried what Pinkie will do when she finds out."

"She already knows," Dash said. "Twilight and Rarity are _still_ explaining to her why having a coming home party would be a bad idea."

"They should add that Taya would toss her out the window."

"I don't think they'll forget that," Dash said, casting a short furtive glance at my daughter. "Oh, and another thing I just remembered. Make sure Twilight doesn't see Spike playing with the naga. I say she coddles him too much, but she _is_ his caretaker."

"As far as I'm concerned, he can make his own choices. But I will give him a warning. I mean, there's not much I can do right now to make sure it doesn't happen, but I can try."

"…Right, bedridden. I thought you said you were tough, Nav. Remember the time we outflew the dragons at the migration? This is nothing compared to that!"

"_That_ was surface burns. Really bad surface burns, but still. This was getting stabbed in the chest and having my body infused with magic that not even Celestia can break. Being tough is why I'm still alive. And being smart is why I don't try to get out of bed or push myself."

"So you can't get out of bed at all?"

"Not without help. It sucks."

"I bet… The last time I was stuck in a hospital bed, I almost went crazy! How can you deal with that?"

I pulled out the laptop from where I had hidden it at the knock on the door. "Human movies, Taya, Gilda. I have my ways."

She looked at the laptop, her eyes slowly growing wider and her wings twitching. "So… You have human movies on that thing?" she asked. "What about some of those… other ones you showed me? The… porn?" That last word was barely whispered.

"I don't know; I haven't checked." And that's the truth, actually. I never really thought about it until then. "Even if it does, though, you won't be watching it until I'm better because I'm not letting anyone use this laptop but me."

"Oh… I understand, I guess. So, do you have any message for the girls? I kinda need to get back to work, but I have time to tell them something."

"Nah. Just ask Spike to come talk to me. I want to give him that warning in person."

"Will do, Nav! And hey, try to get better. Wouldn't want one of my favorite humans to be down and out, after all."

"_One of_? I thought I meant more to you than that…"

"Cry me a river. See you later, Nav. And say hi to the other Gilda for me, Gilda."

We both nodded as she merrily left. When the door clicked shut, Gilda immediately whirled on me. "Well, get it started again. With all these interruptions, I doubt I can get much done, but anything is better than nothing!"

"You need to chill out," I said, opening the laptop again. I hit play and turned to Taya. "Can you get me a scrap of paper and a pen, please?"

She reached to a nightstand that I thought was empty and opened a drawer, using magic to pull out a notepad and a pen. I pulled them from the air with a nod and wrote out a quick note for Doppel. 'I can't feed you this month. However, you still need to eat. Spike's young, strong, and I wouldn't be surprised if he's willing. He's also extremely innocent. If you can get him, try not to weaken him too much, but do try to teach him some things. – Nav'

I tore the page out, folded it a few times, and set the pen and notepad aside. I don't know why I keep trying to get Spike laid, but I was hoping that it would work this time.

Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door and Gilda snarled in frustration. I hid the laptop again and called for the knocker to enter. Doppel let Spike in immediately. "What do you need, Nav?" he asked, leaving the door open.

"First, you need to be careful when you're practicing with the naga if you don't want anyone to find out. Dash saw you as she was flying in. Twilight would have both of our hides if she caught you out there."

He rolled his eyes. "Nav, I'm only hiding this because you asked me to. I don't _care_ if Twilight finds out. What's she gonna do, scold me? Try to spank me? There's a _reason_ I'm going with you, Nav."

"Well now you got me interested. And I did want to ask, actually. Why did you decide to go?"

He snorted and I swear a small jet of steam shot out of his nose. "I finally asked Rarity on a date. No roundabout, no helping her with anything and hoping to be noticed. Just, 'Rarity, do you want to go out sometime?'" He paused for a moment and I think I heard his teeth grinding. "She got a look on her face like Fluttershy in front of a crowd. After a moment, she finally giggled and turned me down. And then she suggested I find a nice _colt_ my _own age._"

My mouth slowly dropped. I think Gilda was snickering, but I could barely hear her over the sound of pure shock. "That… bitch!" I finally managed to blurt out. _Surely she knew! She fucking _has to_ know!_ "Are you sure she wasn't joking?"

"She offered to set me up with somepony."

I slowly lowered my head into my hands, thinking of a good solution for this. "Alright, I have an idea for revenge. I can get you a book from my world called _The Game_."

"No." I looked back up to find Spike shaking his head. "I don't want revenge. I just want to get out of this place."

"You're a better man than I, then. Last time she called me gay, I slapped her so hard she almost started bleeding." I shrugged, leaning back. "What made you finally decide to ask her, then?"

"Your offer. I thought about it for a few weeks. I've been studying the world ever since we got back from Egypt, thinking about traveling and learning more about myself. I like the ponies, but I don't feel like I can stay here forever. But I thought I could give it a chance, maybe a few more years… And then you made your offer. So I decided to see if there was a reason to stay." His face hardened. "There wasn't. So I'm going with you. And I'm going to learn to be useful, whether or not Twilight likes it."

_This is a side of Spike I don't think I've ever seen before… I don't like it._ "Alright. If you change your mind, I won't judge you. Hasty decisions are made in anger, after all." He snorted again. "Either way, I'd ask you to tell no one that I'm leaving."

"Alright. You need anything else? I don't have much time before I need to get back, and the naga says I need to learn some basic forms."

"…Yeah, one thing." I tossed the note to him. "Give that to Doppel. Wait to see if she has a response. If not, go on down to the naga."

"Okay. See you later, Nav." And out he went. I set the laptop back up before Gilda could bitch at me.

I really was hoping Spike's attitude got better. That kind of darkness didn't fit him at all. I was assuming he's still angry about what happened and that's why he sounded like he did. If not, I'd have a talk with him or something.

My next visitor was Shining Armor. Gilda was on a break doing whatever she did when she wasn't absorbing information like an Asian. "Hey, Nav. How you feeling?"

I pointed to the foot of the bed, where I had a sign put up that said, 'Fine. Tired and can't move much, but fine.'

He looked up, the beginning of a smile on his face. "You think of everything, don't you?"

I quickly held up another sign I made on the off chance Shining Armor actually stopped by. It simply said, 'I try to leave nothing to chance.' I laughed at the look on his face. "I wasn't even expecting you to visit. I've just been bored out of my mind and writing notes down to fuck with people."

"You always find new ways to surprise me. So what were you planning on doing for this month's strategy session?"

"…Oh yeah. Totally forgot about it."

"That is certainly understandable given the circumstances. I'll tell my officers they have the day off."

"Now now, I never said that. Unless they feel like coming to my house—which they don't because I won't let them in—I can give them homework. I ordered a copy of a human game and it was finished yesterday. It's called chess. It's all about strategy and thinking ahead. And there's something else I can do in my free time that would be better than trying to fuck with people. I'll copy down a few books from my world, _The Art of War_ and _The Prince._ I'll get the manuscripts for those books and the rules and plans for chess by the end of the week. Feel free to do whatever you want with the chess boards after you guys are done with them, but I want those books and every copy of them you make burned when all of your officers are finished with them."

"That's pretty extreme, dude. If you want them burned, why make us read them in the first place?"

"They're great research material for what you're trying to do. However, they paint humanity in a light that I don't like. Both of those books are dark and devious and not things that need to be read. Whatever you do, do not let any of the princesses see them. I _do not_ want anyone that'll actually be in a position of power to be reading _The Prince._"

"…I'm a prince, Nav."

"First, I imagine your wife will be doing most of the ruling because this place is misandristic as fuck. Second, both of you will probably be puppets for Celestia anyway, so it hardly matters. Third, you're too kind and innocent to take the directions here to heart. Celestia and Luna aren't, not that they don't know the things in here anyway."

"You can be really insulting sometimes, Nav." He didn't sound particularly upset. I figured he already knew all of what I said and had come to terms with it. "But I'll do my best to burn every copy. If an officer takes one of the books home, though, he could possibly get it copied without me knowing."

"Then don't let them take any copies home. They can do whatever they want with chess, which should be plenty enough."

"I'll do what I can, then. You need anything while I'm here?"

"Yeah. I need you to spend time with your wife, kid, and sister."

He grinned. "Don't worry. I have the whole day off."

"Well, don't let me keep you. I'll have those books and the rules to you by next week."

"Excellent. It feels like I'm forgetting something… but it's probably not important if I forgot it. I'll talk to you later, Nav."

When he was out, I sighed. "Not being able to get out of bed is annoying," I said.

"Well, maybe you'll think of that next time you're about to turn your back on someone that hates you," Taya answered.

"How was I supposed to know he would stab me? Why are you so pissed about that?" I think I heard Flo sigh as Taya glared at me.

"Because you keep almost dying right in front of me! I'm not going to lose you like I lost my—" She cut off suddenly, looking away and blushing in anger.

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I don't plan on dying, Taya."

"I know, because I won't let you. I didn't know how to protect my parents, but you made sure I learned how to protect you. I won't let anything happen to you, daddy."

There was no way to answer that without making her angrier, and I figured giving her time to cool off would be smart. I felt something smack me in the back of the head and Flo said, "Navarone, there are very few things I will ever try to force you to do. But if you don't ask that girl what happened to her parents right now, I will take control and do it for you."

_It's not my business!_

I felt a spike of cold in the front of my brain and my mouth opened involuntarily. "Taya… do you want to talk about what happened to your parents?" Flo said through my mouth. _Ungrateful bitch!_ Flo just sniffed.

Taya looked down. I was about to devise some punishment for Flo when Taya very quietly said, "It was a dark night, no moon. We were traveling, looking for a place to stay in the city. I… I can barely remember it. No one likes ponies in Catro; few inns would even let us inside. We were on our way to the third when we were surrounded by thieves. My dad… he was a pegasus. My mom screamed to take me and fly, she'd hold them off… He didn't want to, but… he grabbed me anyway."

She took a deep, shuddering breath and I put a hand on her head, gently stroking her hair. I was about to tell her that she didn't have to keep going when she sniffled and continued, "We didn't get far. Cats like to poison their weapons and he got hit when we were fleeing. We… ended up in some back alley. He was gasping for breath on the ground, struggling to get up. I heard someone coming and tried to make him stand up, to run with me. One of the cats slowly walked down the alley, a knife held in one paw. Someone yelled something I barely heard from the panic I felt … 'No witnesses.'"

This is when the tears finally fell. I saw her body shaking as she stared at the floor, a few drops hitting the ground. Again I went to tell her to stop, but she kept going at a whisper, "I started backing away as he came closer. I wanted to protect my father, I wanted to save him... But I was too scared, too weak. After pulling the purse off my dad's side, he looked at me with eyes like a void… And turned around. 'I don't see any witnesses.'"

Her back legs slumped, pushing her lower body to the floor. "I just knew as soon as I let my guard down, he would turn around and that would be it. I stood petrified, watching him as he walked out of the alley. When I finally got the courage to move, I ran to my father's side and collapsed next to him. He held me in his wings as he slowly grew cold, weakly whistling an old song as I cried."

"…How long were you alone?" I asked.

"I don't know…"

I was silent for a few seconds, not knowing what else to really say. There was a _reason_ I never asked her about this. I didn't want to know, I didn't know how to handle it, and I hate talking about stuff like this.

Finally, I settled for saying, "You don't have to worry about being alone again. I'm here, and I will never leave you." It probably wasn't smart to say, but being comforting was more important than being smart, I thought.

She finally looked up at me and I could see tears falling from her face. "Promise me," she whispered, her voice somewhat hoarse.

_Fuck me for being a fool_. "I promise, honey," I quietly said, already regretting making a promise I might not be able to keep. Taya batted the hand on her head away and jumped onto my bed, wrapping me in a hug. She was thankfully considerate enough to avoid smacking into my wound. I quickly hugged her back, trying to block out the nagging voice in the back of my mind that was saying I just made a big mistake. I was doing my best to instead turn that voice into one of sorrow for Taya or jubilation that I had finally gotten her to open up, but it wasn't working.

It made me wonder just what kind of monster I had turned into.

That night, Flo pulled me into a darkened version of her copse. I was about to ask her why it was dark out, but before I had the chance she flowed over me, gently laying me down on the ground. "We need to talk," she said when I was down and couldn't move.

_Here we go…_

"Don't be like that."

_I should have known this would happen when I let a woman live in my head._

"You say that like it's a bad thing. I'm not going to yell at you, Nav. And stop thinking at me; it makes you look immature."

"Bah. It's just you and me here. I can act as immature as I want, you stupid ugly face."

"Ouch, my feelings." She didn't sound that upset. "We need to talk about your interactions with Taya. Do you know why she decided to stay with you, Nav?"

"Because she's stupid?"

"If you weren't injured, I would hurt you. You remind her of her real father, Nav. Your wings, for one. And do you remember the night you first found her, when you whistled as you carried her? She associates you with her real father, for better or for worse."

"Probably worse. What does this have to do with anything?"

"For one, it answers a question you keep asking, of why she stays with you. For another, it explains why she's so protective—a trait that I imagine will only get much, much worse if you don't take some steps to curtail it. And finally, it explains how you can make her happier."

"So what steps do I need to take to get her to tone down her protectiveness?"

"Not getting into danger would help the most, of course. And spending much more time with her would also help, because I do believe she has some abandonment issues. Of course, you'll be spending a good chunk of time with her now, but you know what I mean. Getting more invested with her would be good. Asking her questions, how her day was, what she learned with Twilight or her new teacher, things like that. She knows you don't much care for magic, so you need to do better to support her special talent, since that is now how she is defined. And you absolutely must make it plain that you trust her."

"She already knows I trust her. The only person I trust more than Taya is you. And I already do some of those things."

"Navarone, I've seen your interactions with her. They're hollow, done because you know they're required more than anything else. You take little joy in them and I believe she knows it. You need to participate more and sound enthusiastic. I get that you're sociopathic and broken and what-have-you, but I know you're better at acting than what you do with her. And we both know that if you pretend something for long enough, it usually becomes true."

I sighed, nodding. "Alright. I may be stupid in some ways, but I know you're right. I'm willing to do whatever I can to make up for the neglect, if that's the right word for it."

"I'm happy to hear that, Navarone. And I will be sure to remind you as we go along. I know how easy it can be to fall back into old habits."

"Excellent. You spoil me sometimes, Flo."

"Anything for my favorite human. Now, would you like me to find some old memories of how fathers should act for their daughters?"

"Honestly, no. But I suppose if it'll help, sacrifices can be made."

"Now you're getting it." Some manner of screen appeared above us and a video of some of Flo's old lizard subjects began to play.

Come the next morning, I got an expected visitor: A wizened unicorn stallion with a letter. "Name's Fiery Sage," he said by way of introduction as he floated the letter to me.

"Navarone," I answered. "And this is Taya." He nodded as I broke the seal on the letter and pulled it out.

'This is Fiery Sage, an old guard instructor. He used to be a menace to all the recruits back in the day, but he's calmed down since then. He won't go too hard on your filly, but she'll definitely need to be ready to learn. My favor only lasts for two months, because even old friends can only work for so long before they want to enjoy their retired life again, so make sure she learns as much as she can in that time. – W'

I folded the letter back up. "Welcome to my home, Mister Sage. Did you find accommodations in town, or do you need a place to stay?"

"I'm shacking up with an old guard friend that lives here. He doesn't mind the company. I heard about your injury—though pretty much everypony did, with it plastered over the newspapers. Such a thing wouldn't have happened back in my day, I swear."

I shrugged. "It's no one's fault but my own. I shouldn't have turned my back on that slimeball. But that isn't really important, I don't suppose. When do you want to start teaching Taya?"

"Immediately. Combat magic is very different from regular magic in ways that most ponies don't realize. It's best she learn the differences now so she can begin accommodating for them."

Taya looked up at me, not wanting to leave. I didn't really want her to leave either, because I had been planning on talking to her today. But I realized that this was probably very important if the guy was talking about it like this. "He's the instructor," I said. "We can spend time together later, Taya."

She sighed, looking away. "Okay, daddy…" She looked over to the instructor. "Can we start in here?"

"I wouldn't want to destroy your father's room. There is a nice looking backyard that we can practice in without fear of destroying anything too important, I believe."

"As long as neither of you get hurt, I can shell out the cash for property damage," I said. "Just be careful. And Taya, send up Doppel on your way down. She won't be as much fun to be around as you, but I'd rather not be alone if I need something."

The instructor's ears twitched, a sign he noticed something odd. "Doppel is a changeling name. Watcher mentioned you had a tame one. What other surprises lurk here?"

"A naga, a princess in hiding, and Freki over there." I pointed at the wolf, who had until that point been silent.

The instructor turned his head to the wolf, eyes slowly going wide. "How did I not notice that?"

"He can be pretty quiet and unnoticeable. It helps that he's made of wood and doesn't breathe. Everything here is harmless until you fuck with it, though."

"I'll remember that. Taya, are you ready?"

She nodded and followed him out the door, giving me a single backwards glance. I really wish I didn't have to send her away, but she was the one that said she wanted the instructor. I sighed as the door slid shut. "Well, now what?" I asked to no one in particular.

"Navarone, it might have been a mistake to ask for Doppel," Flo commented.

"Why?"

"The laptop. When Gilda comes by, you'll have to send Doppel away. That might be suspicious."

"Hm. Tell me honestly: Do you think I can trust Doppel?"

"I don't know, Nav. I _think_ you can. I am good at picking up on lies. Not perfect, but good. And I don't think Doppel is lying when she says that she is loyal to you now."

"Do you think I should trust her, then?"

"You have to put yourself at some risks to build trust with others. I think it's worth the risk, yes."

"Alright. I suppose I can take the risk. Lord knows that I could use some more trustworthy people around here. If she betrays me, it just means I'll have to kill all the thieves Chrysalis sends to get it."

"Nav, I believe if you are betrayed at this junction, your best bet would be getting relocated to Canterlot, or asking Shining Armor to keep a shield around your house."

"I'll cross that bridge if I come to it." There was a gentle tap on my door and I called for whoever it was to come in.

Doppel stepped on in. "You wanted to see me, master?" she asked.

"Taya is busy learning magic, so I no longer have my personal assistant filly. If you aren't too busy, would you mind filling the position?"

"Of course, master! And I took your advice regarding the young dragon. It was an… interesting experience."

"Interesting in a good way or a bad way?"

"Dragon sperm is very hot. We'll be more careful in the future." She giggled as she walked over to my bed. "It's always fun to teach young lovers. They're so easy to mold into whatever you want them to be."

"Let me guess: You're trying to turn him into a little cock slut."

"Ooh, if only! That little tongue of his… Mmm. No, just a few things I like a bit more than others. If he doesn't know much anyway, he'd hardly complained if I conditioned him, now would he?"

I shrugged. "Not my business what you do in bed. Just do try not to ruin him. And definitely make sure he doesn't fall in love with you, unless you really want him to."

"I know how to handle virgins, Nav." She shrank in size and flew up to my shoulder, plopping down. "So what have you been doing for fun in here?"

"Remember how you said you were loyal to me? I've decided you could use a little more trust, Doppel. I've been hiding a few things from you, things I think it is time to let you be privy to."

I reached under the blanket and she scoffed. "I already know _all_ about that, master." When the laptop came out, she turned her head. "That's different. What's so big about that?"

I opened it up and turned it on. "Needless to say, all of what I'm about to tell you is not going to leave this room. I'm putting my trust in you, Doppel. Now, a few months ago, I put together an expedition of sorts. The details aren't important. The destination, however, is: We went to my home, the world of humans. I got some technology while I was there. This laptop is one of those pieces of technology. It stores massive amounts of information, including a lot of entertainment. The main problem is that it's all in a language you can't understand. That doesn't stop music from being enjoyable, though."

"…So _that's_ why I kept hearing music coming from up here. My lips are sealed, master."

"Excellent. Well, what kind of music do you like?"

"We never have much music in the hives. Sound carries too far in the caves, after all."

"I would have hated growing up without music… Let's see. You're black. How about rap?"

"_All_ changelings are black. It is a massive generalization that I would like a certain music based on the color of my carapace."

"Fine. Let's see… This is an obscure search, but let's see if they put Here in the Dark on this thing."

"Sounds sexy. I like it already." Surprisingly enough, they did have it. I loaded it up for her.

"Without understanding the lyrics, it probably won't work as well for you, but you might like it anyway."

And so the next half hour went until Gilda's lazy ass got out of bed and traipsed on in. "You ready to—What's _she_ doing here?"

"Being my personal pocket assistant," I said, patting the shirt pocket that Doppel had taken residence in. "You want to start studying more shit?"

"I am not certain that it would be wise, with a _changeling_ here."

"Well, there's the door. You're welcome to wait until Taya is done with her lessons and can take her spot back at my side."

Her beak clamped shut, a sign in griffins that they're rather upset. "Fine," she eventually said. "We'll go onto something less useful, like farming. It's not like changelings need food anyway."

I shrugged and opened the few files I had for farming techniques, throwing them up on the projector. That done, I stopped the music and hunted down _The Art of War_ while Gilda began taking notes. "Doppel, would you kindly open my nightstand and get me a pen and some paper?"

She latched her front legs over the side of my pocket and pulled herself out, stretching her teeny wings. After a moment, she took off and changed size when she got far enough away from me. From there, it was a simple matter of passing me what I needed. I started copying down the book as she flew back into my pocket, reading what I was writing.

I knew I was in for a long, dull day.

My long day was interrupted by a knock on the door. I had already been visited by most of my friends the day before—the visits were just the standard 'how are you feeling' thing mixed with the typical hospital bed bullshit, so I didn't record them—so I was wondering who this was. "Come on in," I called, closing the laptop and sliding it under my blanket.

Much to my surprise, my guest was Cheerilee. She had some manner of box on her back. "Hello, Navarone. How are you feeling?"

"Well enough. What brings you by, Cheerilee?"

"Oh, the usual. The new school year is about to begin and I was going to try unsuccessfully to convince you to make Taya go to school. She's really very bright and shouldn't be limited by not having a proper education."

"I know, and I very much regret not putting her in school when we first got here. However, I didn't, and now it's too late to rectify that mistake. You are free to ask her yourself; she's in the backyard with her new instructor, learning more magic. I can almost guarantee that she'll say no, though."

She sighed and nodded. "I know. Why is it too late, if you don't mind me asking?"

"She got her cutie mark and it's not something that would benefit from schooling. In fact, I would say that it would probably not be a good idea for anyone to have her in school right now. It's better she stick with the instructor I found for her."

"Forgive me for disagreeing, Nav, but I believe no matter the career or special talent of a pony, a well-rounded basic education is extremely important. Even more important is the social contact that Taya would receive while in school among fillies and colts of her own age."

"Once again, we agree. However, her cutie mark marks her as being good at combat magic. As you and I both know, there are bullies in your school. I don't want Taya to get near them if I can help it. I try to teach her right and wrong, but she's still a child and might consider the easiest way out to be the best way, no matter the harm to the others."

"I see. I'm still going to ask her. Anypony can be taught not to hurt others, as violence should never be the answer."

"I wish I agreed with you. I really, really do. And I wish the rest of the world did as well. Sadly, both Taya and I come from places in the world that disagree, and the fight or flight responses were drilled into us. I'm trying to ease them out of her, but she reflexively shot two people that were going after me. If she did that out of sheer reflex, I'd hate to see what she does to someone she hates."

"Hmm… I'll talk to her. Even if I can't convince her to finally come to school, maybe I can remind her what separates ponies from the animals in the Everfree."

"Good luck. I really hope you're successful."

"So do I, Navarone. And by the way, one of my students asked me to drop this off when she heard you were injured." She reached behind her and put the package on the bed, next to Gilda. Gilda shrugged and pushed it back to me. I opened it on up and was immediately hit by the smell of something sweet. Whatever was in the box was wrapped in a very soft cloth. I gently took it out and unfolded the cloth, beholding quite a lot of candy.

"Oh, cool. Tell that student I said thanks, Cheerilee. I don't get candy that much anymore."

"I'll be sure to tell her. Do you need anything before I go?"

"Nah. Thanks for the offer, though. Be sure to talk to Taya, and thanks for the visit."

"Of course. See you later, Nav." I took up a candy cane as Cheerilee left, tasting it.

"Huh. It tastes off for some reason," I said, trying it again. "Not bad, though. Maybe it's just homemade?"

I heard Doppel moving around a lot down in my shirt. I looked down to see that she was eyeing the candy. "Bring that closer," she said. I moved the cloth over to her and she tilted her head at it, looking somewhat confused. "Um. I don't know how to tell you this Nav, but I think that filly has a crush on you."

"Why do you say that?" I asked, sucking on the candy cane.

"I can feel lust emanating from these. And from that candy cane, now that I think about it."

My mind went completely blank as I slowly pulled the candy cane from my mouth, looking down at it. It didn't look any different, but now that I thought about it, I could feel a tiny bit of dampness on the cloth in my hand.

I looked over to the cloth with the rest of the candy on it. Everything there was something that could be inserted into a certain place. I slowly lifted the cloth and its contents up to my face, taking in a deep breath. _Yeah. That filly did something very inappropriate here._ I looked back to the candy cane very slowly.

And then I stuck it back in my mouth. "I've done worse."

Gilda sniffed, turning away. "Ponies are disgusting," she said. "I'll be back when that filth is gone." She hopped off the bed and haughtily walked away.

"That griffin needs to get laid," Doppel said when she was gone. "Say, can I have some?"

"Help yourself. I want it gone or hidden before Taya gets back, because there ain't no way in hell I'm letting her have any."

I think pigging out on sex candy with a changeling might be one of the strangest things I have ever and will ever do.

The next day, my habit of unexpected visitors continued. "Bon-Bon? What brings you by?"

"A friend can't just visit another friend?" she asked, casting a quick glance at Gilda.

I took the hint. "True enough. Gilda, let's take a short break. It's been a while since I saw Bonnie."

"Last time I try learning from someone in a sickbed," she growled as she stalked past Bon-Bon. She tried slamming the door, but Bonnie's hoof stopped it before it could make too much noise.

"Sorry for interrupting whatever that was," she said, her eyes flashing blue as she turned back to me. "It's just… nopony else knows my secret. And… Well, I think it's time to change that."

"Hey, Doppel here knows." I patted the pocket with my changeling.

"Yes, but she's not a pony. I'm talking about Lyra, Nav. I want to come clean. I keep wanting to pop the question to her, but I can't do it while I'm living this lie… It's time I finally told her."

"Are you really sure that's wise?" I asked. "I mean, I support honesty in relationships; it's how they grow and thrive. But a good degree of lying is also required sometimes to make things work. If you take this risk, there's a chance it could backfire horribly."

"I don't care if it's wise or not. It's unfair to Lyra to keep up this charade. I'm tired of lying to her, Navarone. I… I love her, and I'm going to tell her the truth. If she leaves me, she leaves me. I just can't continue living this lie to somepony that I love."

"Admirable, if foolish. So why are you telling me?"

"Well, the support of the great hero of the changelings and the pony would mean a lot to me. And if… if Lyra reacts negatively, I might need a place to stay until I can get back to the hives for reassignment."

"I don't think that'll be necessary. But you have my support, Bon-Bon. It warms my heart to see that there are still mares like you in the world. As much as you two love each other, I think she'll accept you. Just be willing to give her some time, because it'll probably be very shocking for her."

She nodded. "I know. I'm willing to give her all the time she needs. Hopefully… it won't be too long."

"However long it takes, you're welcome here. I'm sure it won't be long, though."

She gave me a small smile. "I hope. I'll see you later, Navarone. Get well soon."

When Bon-Bon was out of my room and the door safely closed, Doppel shifted around in my pocket. "Prepare to see a lot more of her, master. There have been stories about changelings coming out to their friends. None of those stories end well."

"That's because the only changelings that decide to return to the hive obviously had bad news. There's no telling how many have come out and were received warmly."

"I doubt it has been many. Most races didn't know much or anything about changelings until just recently. I wish her luck, but I honestly doubt anything good will come of her choice."

"Well, ponies are very surprising creatures in some respects. Maybe just this one little time, love will shine through. I'd like to think the world owes me the happiness I'd feel if Bonnie came back with good news." Naïve? Probably. But who knows? Maybe there would finally be something I managed to not destroy.

I started having problems on the fourth day. Not big ones, just a bit more irritability than normal and my anger was strangely starting to crop up when it shouldn't. Small things, you know? By the end of the first week, I was perpetually angry and just about ready to chew off someone's head at anything wrong they did. I miscopied a word on the book I was writing out for Shining Armor and ordered Taya to destroy it in the most violent way she knew how.

That night, Flo laid me down on the ground again and held me close. "Navarone, something is wrong. Very wrong."

Just her saying that was enough to piss me off. "What the fuck do you know? Of course something's wrong, you stupid blob! I'm stuck in bed, I have a hole in my heart, I haven't fucked anything in a week, and everyone around me is acting even more stupid than usual! Now let me the fuck go." I tried pulling away from her, but she held me even tighter.

"No, there's something else that's wrong," she said. "And I think I know what it is. Do you remember how your therapist back on Earth attempted to get you to abstain?"

"Yeah, and I told him to fuck off. Ain't no one telling me how to live my life, not after what I've been through!"

"He told you that because you're exhibiting signs of addiction. Well, right now it's withdrawal. Looking through your mind—"

"You know that shit pisses me off! What is it with you big and powerful types and rifling through my memories like they're public domain? Back the fuck off and get your own goddamn life, you stupid brain leach! And for fuck's sake, let me GO!"

Some of her water lifted up to my mouth, blocking off whatever I was trying to say. "You're addicted to sex. You're going through withdrawal. Normally, I would let you keep going and do my best to keep you calm, but doing that in this case would be suicide. Your heart is still weak and I can feel it picking up. You need relief, sadly."

_Finally!_

"That is _not_ the thought you need to have. If anything, this should be proof that you have a problem that needs to be fixed. Thankfully, you're strong enough to walk right now. So what I'm going to do is force you awake. Then you are going to go into the bathroom and I am going to do something I will only ever do this month."

_Sure, whatever. Let's just fucking do this!_

"Ugh… I hate that it's come to this." I felt energy force me awake and I jerked in bed, my eyes shooting straight open.

After a quick look around the room, I threw the blankets off and stood up, doing my best to get to the bathroom as quickly as possible without sending me to the ground. I heard the wolf padding along behind me, not that I really cared. I was about to get relief and it was going to be great.

I kicked the door shut in front of the puppy's face and didn't bother to turn the light on. "What now?" I hastily asked, a smile growing on my face.

She sighed yet again. "Go ahead and take your pants off." I did so, and followed her next few steps as quickly as I could. Basically, sit in the bathtub and lean back. Then I felt an intense blast of raw pleasure in my head.

When it was finished, I was sitting, stunned, quite a mess in front of me. "And you could have done that at any time?" I asked.

"Well, yes. I have some minute control in your brain, after all. I can stimulate all manner of chemicals up there to do all kinds of things."

"…I'll have to keep that in mind."

"No, you won't. I told you that I would only do that this month so you don't have to worry about your heart. You still have a problem that you need to work on. I'll help you get over it, but I won't help you by replacing sex with an easier alternative."

"I like sex too much to replace it with what you did. It felt good for all of a few seconds and then bleh. Still, good for a nice release here and there. Thank you, Flo. I feel quite a lot better."

"Way to make me feel like a whore, Nav."

I shrugged, picking myself up. "There's nothing wrong with that. And I feel much, much better. We'll have to do this more often, though; I don't want to get that bad off again."

"Do you at least now see that you have a problem?"

"Nope. I see that I have an addiction, which is not the same as a problem." I gingerly knelt down to put my pants on, making sure not to bend my chest too much. "As long as I can keep getting laid on a regular basis, it'll remain an addiction and not a problem."

"Why? Why do you insist on doing this to yourself? And to Taya? You know you hurt her this week! You were on a razor's edge ever since the fifth day. That's two days you were yelling at your daughter, who you promised me that you would act better toward! So you were mistreated a few times, so you were abused. That doesn't give you the right to act like a fucking asshole to everyone you meet and yourself!"

I don't think I had ever heard Flo curse like that before. I sighed, letting my head gently rest on the door as I stood, thinking. "Look, you aren't wrong. But… Fuck, I don't know what I want. I don't want to change, but I want what's best for Taya. I _like_ what I have now. I'm happy with it. Isn't it something that I can keep under control? And as long as you're in my head, can't you regulate it, keep me full of the buzz when I'm running on a low time?"

"Nav, just listen to yourself…" She sounded softer now. "You always used to wonder what it was like for an addict, how they could keep going back to something that was destroying them. Look at yourself now. Look at what you're willing to do to get more of what you want, what you think you need."

"…It would be hard. And really, would it be worth it? Is it so bad—"

"You're making excuses, now. Trying to bargain, trying to reason it out."

"I can't make a decision now. Not with my heart like this. You said it yourself: getting off this could kill me."

"Yes, it could. But you _can_ make a decision, Nav. I can gradually decrease what I do, giving you less of a dose each time. By the time the month is over, you'd probably be ready to go cold turkey."

I ran a hand through my hair, ending with it on my neck as I stared at the floor, thinking. "I don't know… Getting hooked again is easy, isn't it? I can't see myself living for the rest of my life without sex. Why risk the withdrawal effects now if I'll just have to go through it again later?"

"For Taya, Nav. That's why you should risk the effects. If you ever get hooked again, I can help you get off just as easily. It's still a long process and it might involve some pain, but just remember that it's all for Taya."

"…I can try. If it's too much or I find myself hating it, I can't promise I'll keep it up. I'm happy now, and if I'm not just as happy or happier then, I'd rather go back to an addiction."

"That's fair, if selfish. Very well, Navarone. Just live your month normally. I'll be watching and waiting, ready to stop you if you do something you shouldn't."

"As usual."

"As usual," she confirmed, finally a hint of happiness entering her tone. I did my best to find some comfort in that as I dragged myself back to bed. _This long month just got even longer._

Some time into the second week, I got another somewhat expected visitor, another catbird. I was outside on a nice lounge chair thing watching Spike and Taya train with each other when I heard a familiar voice behind me say, "Why are you always so lazy, Nav?"

I looked back to see the original Gilda walking toward me, the other Gilda at her side. "Someone has to supervise. And it doesn't help that I have a hole in my chest. How's it going, Gilda?"

"Pretty good, now that I have my estate settled in. I didn't think you'd find a replacement for me so soon, though. Has the same name and everything. A girl could get jealous."

"She'll never take your place in my heart; after all, she won't let me fuck her." Princess Gilda scoffed at that. "But if you're going to be visiting for a few days, I'll have to come up with something new to call at least one of you. Two Gildas is going to confuse the hell out of me."

"You met me first," the Gilda I met first said. "So I can be number one."

"But _I'm_ a princess. So I should be number one."

"I'm older!"

"I'm prettier!"

"Oh, you wanna pull that card? We'll see who's prettier after I'm done with you!"

"Girls!" I shouted, not wanting to see this escalate into a catfight when I didn't even have popcorn. "Gilda is right, I did meet her first. And Gilda is also right; she's prettier." I let them figure out who I meant by that one. They cast each other small glares. I looked to the first one I met. "I met you first, so you can be the real OG." I looked to the other one. "You're younger, a princess, and you won't let me fuck you, so you can be PG. OG and PG. Not that hard, yeah?"

PG sniffed, but nodded. "An acceptable compromise. I accept. Not that she'll be here for long anyway."

OG shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. As little miss princess here said, I probably won't stick around too long. I just wanted to see how you were doing, Nav. I see it takes more than losing your heart to keep you down."

"Yeah. My heart is nothing more than an engine created from the remnants of a dead star anyway. I'm probably better off without it. How's your mom handling not having a husband around?"

"She's doing great. I got her set up with pretty much all the money she needs to support her habits and I still have plenty left over for myself. Never have to work a day in my life and I'm still young."

"Glad at least someone benefitted from something I did, then."

"Sorta. It's also been… boring. I have to say, there's something always exciting about living on the edge, always wondering where your next meal's gonna come from. Wondering how you'll make ends meet this time or if you'll manage to make it out of town before any trouble catches up with you."

I nodded and found myself slowly smiling as she talked. "I know that feel, actually. It's freeing to not be tied down. And come find me in private before you go back home. I have an offer for you."

OG shrugged. "Alright. Ain't got much else to do around here. Chill with Dash, go hunting, maybe find that cool little dragon again—dude's pretty useful, with his fire. Really, I'm just using this as a stopping point for my next adventure, wherever it takes me."

"It's good to hear you're having fun, I guess. Just be careful; you don't want to end up like me."

"Psh. I'm not stupid enough to turn my back to an enemy. Seriously Nav, that was retarded. You didn't deserve _this_, but you did deserve to get stabbed."

"I'm glad to see that you're so caring. I'll try to be more careful in the future, that's for sure. I absolutely hate being stuck like this."

"I would too. Though if I remember right, you have a changeling maid that does whatever you tell her to. It wouldn't be so bad to just laze around all day making someone else do everything for you."

"A day or two, sure. A month? Ugh."

"Fair enough. Now, I need to go see Dash about something right quick. If she ain't got a spare room for me, you mind if I crash here tonight?"

"You're free to stay here. Just, you know, don't break anything."

"I'm not a hatchling, Nav. I'll see you later. You too, Princess." Before either of us could say anything, she shot her wings out and took off, jumping high into the air.

The remaining Gilda looked down to me. "You find the strangest friends. I remember you mentioning her, though. Who is she, again?"

"One of your cousins, I think. All I know is that she owns some estate or something after her father got arrested. You'll have to ask her for more."

"I might do that. Probably not, though. Can we go back to using the laptop now?"

"Can it wait until Taya is done? I like watching her practice."

"We could just bring the laptop out here, you know."

"And risk a pegasus spotting it? Or let the pony instructor see it? Not gonna happen."

"Or you could just trust me with it. Do you really trust me so little?"

"I trust everyone that little, no offense. That laptop is irreplaceable and has a number of important things on it that I have yet to copy. I absolutely can't let it come to any harm. I really hope you understand."

She sighed and nodded. "I suppose it's another day of twiddling my talons. There's little else to do in this place."

"You could read. I have a study somewhere that has most of the books I ever published, many of which came from Earth. I don't know how well circulated they are, so you might find some that you never got up in Gryphus."

"Possibly. I suppose reading is better than doing nothing. I will see you later, Nav. Enjoy watching your daughter."

I settled back in as Gilda left. I don't know if I really enjoyed watching Taya, but she seemed to do at least a little better when I was actively watching her. I suppose that was a good enough reason for me to keep doing it.

Bon-Bon showed up at my house a few days later, all smiles. She barely waited for me to call her to enter before she jumped in. "She said yes!"

For once, I had something really good to smile about. "That's wonderful! She wasn't pissed about the whole you feeding on her thing?"

"She was a little upset and I had to do some convincing and explaining, but she understood in the end. We haven't decided if we'll tell anypony else yet, though. And getting her to meet the in-laws might be awkward, but we'll make it work."

"So when's the wedding? As long as you two have been together, I can't imagine you'd wait for long."

"It'll be a few weeks, at least… That is, if you accept." I lifted an eyebrow, waiting for her to continue. Her smile only deepened. "After talking it out, we both decided that we'd be honored if you would marry us, Nav."

"I'm honored, but I don't do threesomes with couples. And marriage? Don't get me started."

She chuckled. "No, we want you to _marry_ us. Do the ceremony for us, I mean."

"Can I even… do that? Aren't there laws in place or something?"

"Of course! Not just anypony can perform marriage ceremonies, Nav. But you're a knight of high rank and good standing, so you can. And since you're a friend to both the ponies and the changelings, we think it would be perfect if you would do it."

I thought for less than a second before nodding. "I'll do it. I don't know if there's any kind of paperwork or anything I'd need to fill out, though. If you can look into that or find out anything about it, that would be wonderful. I'll also need to know my lines; I've only ever attended one pony wedding, and that was a royal one."

"Twilight found what one of Celestia's knights would say, but couldn't find any records of Luna's knights. Honestly though, the wedding is all for Lyra's benefit. I don't care what words are said, as long as the result is that we'll be together forever."

"That's the right way to think, right there. I'll see what I can dig up. According to the doctors, I'll be laid up for another few weeks. Give me a month or so and I should be well enough to do the ceremony. It'll probably take you two a while to get everything set up anyway."

She nodded. "I'm going to try to keep it a small ceremony, but I have no telling how well that'll work if Lyra starts talking to anypony about it. If it gets too large… Well, we'll manage. I'm just so excited! Oh, but I better get out of your mane. Now you rest easy, Nav, and get better."

"I definitely plan on it, Bon-Bon. Just get all the information to me when you can."

"Of course. See you later, and thanks for everything!"

When she was gone, I patted the pocket with Doppel as I leaned back. "See there? Looks like changelings and ponies can coexist easily enough. They can even fall in love."

Tiny Doppel looked up at me. "Maybe. But note that she's still in her pony body. How well received do you think she would be if her secret got out? If everyone knew who she was? I know that you're happy for her, but do you really think this would end well if she revealed herself at the wedding?"

"I don't know. I hope I won't find out, either; I'd much rather this story end happily, thank you. Now, get me some paper. I have a few letters to write." At this point, she was well-practiced at getting into and out of my shirt pocket, so she was down on the ground quickly. When I had my paper, I quickly wrote out a letter to Luna asking about Lunar Knight marriage customs and a letter to the mayor asking about legal forms that needed to be filled out for marriage. I sent them off with Doppel when Taya came back in from her practice session.

I had a really good feeling about it, for some reason. It was really nice to see something that I had a hand in that didn't turn to shit.

I got Gilda, OG, alone one morning after Taya went and while I had Doppel busy with something. "So what did you need?" she asked. "If you're looking for a quickie, I don't know, dude. You look pretty beat up."

"If only… No, I have an offer. You mentioned that you were bored of the rich girl's life. In a few months, I'm going on an… adventure of sorts. I got a decently sized crew, an airship, and a few destinations in mind. But I'm always looking for a few skills, like fast fliers and dangerous scouts."

"Hm… Anyone else I know going?"

"Taya, the naga, and Spike, so far. I haven't spoken to Doppel yet. Remember that big bag of money you helped me drop off? That was for the airship we'll be on."

"I'll have to think about it. Sounds pretty cool, but I don't like committing to anything without thinking it over. Think we could invite Dash? That seems like something that'd be right up her alley."

"No. Dash is apparently one of something called the elements of harmony or some bullshit. She needs to stay here. And I don't want anyone in Equestria knowing that I'm leaving, so I'd ask that you keep the offer to yourself while you're here. Get an answer to me before winter is half over. We'll probably be going cold places and warm places. I know you're fluffy and warm, but you might need some clothes or something."

"I'll be fine. So why are you heading out? Bored of the life here?"

"That's one reason. Another is mapping. Not all of this world is fully explored, or at least not to the ponies. I'd like to fix that. I have a few other reasons that are my own, though."

"Alright, whatever. You got anything else to say, or can I go back out? I'm heading out soon and I want to finish up here."

"That's all. Have a good time, wherever you go and whatever you decide." All the little pieces are finally coming together… If I didn't think it would hurt so much, I would laugh evilly. Also, it would be silly because I wasn't planning anything evil.

…Yet.

Shining Armor came back some time after I sent him the original copy of the two books, a chess board and pieces, and the rules for it. When he stepped into my room, he levitated two neater copies of the books over to me. "These are the only two remaining copies, Navarone," he said, dropping them on my bed. "The others were burned. I saw to it myself. And after reading them, I must say, I don't understand why you wanted them burned. They don't paint your kind in the best of lights, I'll admit, but they would build respect toward you and the struggles you've all faced."

"Don't care. I suppose I can put these two in my personal library, though I question the wisdom of keeping any copies at all. What did your officers think of them?"

"Most were quite impressed, though it didn't seem that everything in the books corresponded to war tactics. _The Prince_, for example, didn't seem to relate that much to tactics."

"I know you're not here to talk book club shit. What about chess? How'd you and your officers like that one?"

The smile on his face took a noticeable dip. "Some of us were less than impressed. A few others quite enjoyed it. One officer demanded I give you a letter expressing his distaste for the game. After reading over it and finding that he compared the game to excrement, I decided it would be best if I didn't. All of that said, we spread the game to some of the lower ranking guards and it seems that some of them enjoy it as well. I wouldn't be surprised if it spread farther. Honestly, I'm quite surprised that nopony ever thought of it before, as relatively simple as it is."

I shrugged and said, "There are all kinds of other games out there that humans have come up with. There's one called checkers that uses the same board. I might share the rules for that later, if I think about it. Did you at least see the strategy behind chess? Or did any of your officers figure it out?"

He nodded. "The night guard commander, Midnight Blossom, did quite well in it. I and a few others did decently as well. I would love to see the two princesses play a match one day."

That would be horrifying. "Maybe one day. Show it to them if you want, I guess. If the kingdom goes to ruin because the princesses spend a year playing a single game, that's your problem."

"Since you're abandoning us, it probably would be my problem. But that's none of my business, I suppose. Oh, I almost forgot!" His horn flashed and a scroll appeared next to him. He floated it over to himself. "This is from Princess Luna. She said it was for a wedding, whatever that means. Are you getting married without telling me?"

"No, I'm performing a wedding ceremony. Apparently knights can do that. Two friends asked me to do it for them. I rather strongly doubt I'll make a habit out of it."

"Well, be careful. I've heard stories where a knight trying to perform a marriage ceremony ended up married to the groom, the ring, and the bride's mother. Princess Celestia made them wait a week to break the marriage. Wouldn't want that to happen to you."

"The ceremony is for two mares. If I fuck up, it wouldn't be too bad, I gotta say."

"You might think that. They might have a very different tune. Now, I would stay and talk, but I need to get back to work. I've already used up most of my vacation time this month. I'll talk to you later, Nav."

"Yeah. And thanks for dropping this stuff off. See you whenever." I broke the seal on the scroll as he left and unrolled it. A quick reading of the scroll proved that Luna was extremely pragmatic when it came to marriage. "This is going to be a quick service. Gonna need some stuff from Rarity, though…"

I was actually able to get up and move around much easier now, so I reached over to where I had left the notepad and pen, writing down some specifications for the robes I needed from Rarity. I'd send them off whenever I saw Doppel again.

Until then, I could study my lines until Flo could repeat them to me in my mind as needed.

After what felt like way too long, my doctor finally pronounced that the dark curse in my wound had been lifted somehow. We all figured it just finally wore off. With it gone, the doctor and Taya both were able to fully heal me, instantly giving me freedom from the bed and the house.

It felt absolutely amazing.

Not everyone agreed. As I was picking myself off the bed and stretching for all I was worth, Taya was looking pretty down. When I was fully stretched and felt like I was able to actually move around again, I said, "What's wrong, Taya?"

She sighed. "I had fun this month, daddy. And now it's over... Things are going back to the way they were and I won't see you much anymore."

_Ain't that a shame._ Flo smacked me in the back of the head. _I was joking!_ "Don't worry, Taya. I'm going to do my best to spend more time with you from now on. I'll still have duties and we can't spend all of our time together, but whenever you think I'm not spending enough with you, just straight up tell me and I'll do my best to make up for it."

"Can we... do something today? To celebrate?"

"I promised Spike that I would take him to visit another friend of mine as soon as I got better, and I do need some exercise first. And you still need to have your session with your tutor. I promise that when we get back, we can find something to do to celebrate. But don't worry; just because I'm finally healthy and back to normal doesn't mean I forgot what I learned this month."

As I knelt down to wrap my daughter in a hug, Flo whispered, "I hope you remember what you just said, Navarone. Spending more time with Taya isn't the only thing you decided this month."

_I'll do my best to spend less time with Doppel. She's doing well enough with Spike for right now, so I shouldn't have to feed her as much anymore._

"Just because you don't have to doesn't mean you won't. I'll be here to remind you, in any case. And just think, Nav: You thought this month would be a complete waste."


	83. Chapter Eighty-One

**Chapter Eighty-One**

I celebrated my newfound freedom by kicking Spike's ass all up and down the training field. He may be as strong as I am, but he wasn't as fast, as lithe, as big, or as experienced. I helped him up at the end of our little session. "That was a nice little workout," I said with a smile, pulling him off the ground.

"For _you_, maybe. Now I have two guys out here beating me around! You're lucky dragons don't bruise, Nav, or I'd make _you_ explain to Twilight why I come home black and blue every day."

"Stop your bitching. I _can_ get bruises, and I have. I even got half my teeth knocked out one day. Why do you think I'm in my armor right now?"

"…Exercise?"

"Hell no. This stuff is pretty light, surprisingly. It's so I don't break anything when the naga slaps me around. Now that I'm feeling pretty good, you want to go visit my dragon friend?"

That got his attention away from his wounded pride. "Can we? Right now? What are we waiting for?"

"We're waiting on us getting some real weapons. He lives in the Everfree, and I'm not going near that place without something to fight with, even if we'll just be flying over it. Leave your shield; I can't carry you, it, and our weapons." We both walked over to where we had left our shit. "Just your sword. We won't be in danger territory long enough to need the crossbow."

"Then why are we carrying weapons at all?"

"Because I got stabbed in the fucking back in a place that wasn't supposed to be dangerous. I'm not going anywhere unarmed. I'm only bringing my gun and some knives, though. You'll be fine with just a sword."

"So… what does that gun do?" he asked as I slung it over my shoulder.

"It's a crossbow, but better. And remember, it's one of the things that Twilight doesn't get to know about. Like this trip into the Everfree."

"My lips are sealed!"

"Good." I grabbed Spike and slung him over my other shoulder. "Let's go."

"Wait!" I already had my wings out and was about to take off, but I stopped. "Do I _have_ to ride over your shoulder?"

"Unless you want me to cradle you in my arms, yes. Do you want me to cradle you, Spike?"

"It'll only be us that sees it, Nav."

I shrugged and pulled him off my shoulder, holding him like a hero holds a lady. "If we get called gay, I'm not denying a word," I said, finally taking off.

"Psh. As if anypony would care."

"You mean like Rarity?"

He just muttered darkly, looking away as we sailed over the forest. About ten minutes later, I began circling around the cave area, looking for a decent landing spot.

"Whoa whoa whoa, _this_ is the dragon's cave?" Spike asked, looking down at the place we were about to land.

"Yeah, Reginald's cave. It's much nicer inside."

"Nav, you don't understand. I've _been_ here before! I know the dragon in there! He tried to kill me!"

"Spike, why were you in the middle of the Everfree?" I wasn't about to land just yet, not if Spike is talking about possibly getting killed.

"It's a long story that involves Owlowiscious and jealousy issues. Not important. What _is_ important is that I might have accidentally eaten some of his gems and he kinda tried to kill me."

"Oh, you're the dragon he was talking about! When I first met him, he was really paranoid about thieves, mentioning some hatchling stealing some shit and not apologizing for it."

"Yeah… So let's just go now before it's too late."

I started landing. "I have a better idea. You go in there and apologize like a man. You stole and you will own up to it. If he freaks out, we'll book it and hope for the best. If not, you can ask your questions."

"Nav, I'm… I'm not so sure about this. He was big and sharp and scary!"

"And he's also an extremely decorated war veteran that could kill you in an instant if he was really trying. He was probably just scaring you off. Stop being a pussy."

By that point, I was on the ground and in no real hurry to take off again. My wings hadn't been moving all too much lately, so they were somewhat sore from the flight. Spike's eyes went wide when he heard a snort of what might have been snoring from the cave.

"Alright, let's go," I said, pulling my gun up and priming a round. I didn't pump it, but I would rather have it mostly ready just in case. I heard him take a very deep breath before starting to follow me. We got to the entrance of the cave before his steps started faltering. I stopped and turned back. "Relax, Spike. If anything bad happens, I'm here."

He took another deep breath before nodding. "Okay. I'm ready."

I turned back around and kept walking in. I got a few steps before I felt his hand grip mine. I looked down to see him holding onto me, presumably for comfort, and looking every which way as we walked further into the cave. I was tempted to jerk my hand away, but he _was_ still young and there's nothing wrong with a healthy dose of fear. He was holding together well enough, so I let him have whatever comfort he might get from holding my hand.

I heard Reginald begin humming or doing something as we walked inside. "I smell a friend," he whispered, slowly pulling out of his bed of jewels. "A friend and…" He took a deep whiff before jolting out of the pile and sending jewels everywhere. "A thief!"

Spike fucking jumped behind me as I held up the hand that he wasn't holding. "Now hold on a moment, Reginald. He's not here to steal this time. He's here to apologize for what he took and maybe explain why."

Reginald huffed, blasting the two of us with steam and making me sweat horribly in my armor. "So you say. But he is hiding behind you, clutching at your hand in fear. I hear no apology."

I rolled my eyes and dragged Spike out of his horrible hiding place with his grip on my hand, standing him upright in front of me. After a second of nothing, I nudged him and whispered, "Man up, Spike. If I can't trust you to apologize, how can I ever trust you in battle?"

His achingly strong grip on my hand eased up as his eyes squeezed open. After yet another long and deep breath, he let go of me entirely and stood at his full height. In a voice that was much higher than his normal one, he quickly said, "I'm sorry for stealing your jewels and I'll never do it again and please don't kill me!"

"Hmm… And why were you in my cave, hatchling?"

"I… I ran away from home… I didn't have anywhere else to go! I didn't think the ponies wanted me and I don't know any dragons… I just went into the first dry place I found in the thunderstorm, and this was it. I didn't know it was somepony's cave!"

"Some_pony_?" he hissed, leaning in close. "You were the egg from the trade! I _hate_ that treaty… But my name is on it, so I can hardly complain. That explains why you know so little. Are you still missing a home, hatchling?"

Spike slowly shook his head. "I… I live with the ponies. What treaty? What trade?"

"Every few years, the ponies get a dragon egg randomly taken from the horde. The treaty is old and the reasons behind it are unimportant. I assume that _you_ were the egg taken. I wonder how they hatched you… But that is also not important. Tell me, what do you know of the dragons? What do you know of your own kind?"

"Almost nothing… Nav here helped me track down some dragons during the great migration that told me some things, but then some pony 'friends' of mine showed up and ruined everything. I didn't learn nearly as much as I wanted to know."

Reginald cast his gaze to me. "Navarone, you are a friend and I do trust you. However, I request that you leave. You have my assurance that no harm will come to your friend. I will educate him."

"When can I come back? If I leave him here overnight, I will get my ass tore out the frame by his… caretaker."

"Give me two hours. I will take more time if needed."

I shouldered my rifle. "I'll be here then." I looked down to my little friend. "Spike, behave. If Twilight finds out about this, it will probably be a once in a lifetime chance, so make it count just in case."

"You got it, Nav! And thanks."

"No problem. I'll see you both in two hours." I started walking out, listening to Spike try to introduce himself to Reginald, now considerably less afraid. I was pretty sure that Reggie wouldn't go back on his word and hurt Spike. I was hoping he wouldn't, because Twilight would kill me.

Lacking anything else to do, I started walking into the woods to hunt. With the way Taya was attempting to regulate my diet, I didn't end up with much in the way of meat during that long month. With two dragons behind me to cook, I figure I could find something, kill it, get them to cook it, and eat it without Taya freaking out.

So into the woods I went, pumping my rifle as I walked. I knew there was probably nothing dangerous for me in this place, but that doesn't mean I like going in there unprepared to fight.

Do you know how I've said before that the forest is dark and miasmatic? It's never really a fun time to go into the Everfree, but it's a good place to hunt and you'll always have a surprising encounter or two.

My surprising encounter this time was walking up on two manticores going at it like they were anim—Well, yeah. I was tempted to just walk away, but the female was just the right size to drag back to the cave. I'm not going to say I watched, but it was hard not to hear them growling and the female… moaning?

When the male finally finished, he pulled off the chick and immediately left, not even bothering to make sure she was fine. The girl, for her part, collapsed to the ground, seemingly panting. That was weird, but I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on manticore mating habits. I quickly lifted up my gun and aimed right at it.

It seems I made too much noise or something, because she lifted her head to look at me. When she somehow saw me, her eyes went wide and she screamed, "Wait!"

I almost dropped the gun in surprise. _Manticores can't talk!_ "What the fuck?"

The manticore was bathed in a green fire as it turned into a heavily blushing changeling. My mouth just dropped. "I can explain!" she said.

"I don't want an explanation. I'm just gonna go. You stay here, away from me." I turned around and started quickly walking away. When I heard the changeling jumping up and bounding after me, I started running. I didn't get far because it's hard to run in armor. She jumped in front of me.

"I like animals and it feels good and I needed food and please don't tell the hive!" she very quickly said.

I crossed my arms. "I didn't see a fucking thing. I don't care what you did because it's not my problem and there were no victims. If you like spiky penises, whatever. Now I'm going to keep walking and you're going to stay here and do whatever floats your boat."

I turned left and started quickly walking again. She hopped up next to me. "Soooo… What's your name?"

I stopped, running a gauntleted hand down my face in annoyance. "I'm not doing this. Unless you know where some really tasty animal is—and I mean the kill and cook kind of tasty—then buzz off."

"I know where something is! It's called a fenghuang! I really like it, but I think it can smell the changeling on me… So you can kill it. I can show you where it is if you promise not to tell anyone!"

"I already—You know what, sure. No clue what a fenghuang is, but alright. Lead the way."

She grinned and began walking into the woods. "So I found out about my desires—"

"No talking allowed. We wouldn't want to scare the animals, after all."

"Oh, it's okay; they're all used to me. I'm not usually in my changeling body, though."

"How about this, then? No talking allowed. We wouldn't want to scare me, after all."

"Scare you? How? It's perfectly natural!"

"I'm not having this discussion. Just keep walking and stop talking."

She sighed, her head drooping. I just kept following her, doing my best to look anywhere but her backside, where it was rather obvious she had just been having fun. After a few minutes of walking in silence, she said, "My name's Mirror. What's yours?"

I sighed and answered, "Navarone. I'm surprised you haven't heard of me."

Her ears immediately drooped down. "I have," she whispered, looking away.

That sounded rather morose and not what I was expecting, but I wasn't about to bring that up. Instead I just kept following her, hoping to find whatever it was she was trying to show me.

"So how long have you been in the forest?" she asked after another few minutes.

"Less than an hour, this time. I've spent a lot more time here in the past. Look, how far away is this thing?"

"Not much farther. Just another half hour! So what brings you to the lovely Everfree?"

"Why don't we just fly there? We both have wings. Animals don't see me anyway, so we can just land nearby, I can go and kill it, and then we can finally go our separate ways and never see each other again."

"You don't want to be friends?"

"I'm not a friendly person." I stretched my wings, ready to take off. "Now let's go." Her little dragonfly wings twitched into life and we both took off. Getting through the trees was a little difficult, but that didn't stop us. When we cleared the top, she changed into a blue jay and started flying in the same direction that we were flying. I followed her.

What should have been a thirty minute walk took about three minutes by air. Not having to deal with trees in the way or going around hills saved a lot of time. Soon enough, she began dipping into the trees. I did my best to follow her and ended up on the ground with only a little bit of pain; getting through tree cover with huge wings is hard.

She turned back into a changeling when we were both on the ground and whispered, "Its nest is just ahead, inside the massive tree."

I peered ahead of us, toward a tree that I remembered from one of my earlier trips. I do believe it was probably the tallest tree in the entire forest, though I don't remember there being a nest in or near it.

"Well," I said, checking my gun, "it was interesting meeting you. Don't follow me and please never talk to me again." I began walking away.

She immediately began following me. "So I was thinking… After you kill the fenghuang, my hobby's gonna be a lot easier. Most of the other changelings in the hive are pretty boring and if I'm going to have a lot of free time anyway, do you mind if I come by your place sometimes to hang out?"

"I mind very much. Don't come to my house. You come to my house, I'll drag you back to the hive and tell everyone there what I found you doing."

"I guess it's okay if you come to my place instead. I have a home away from home nearby. When can I expect you?"

"How about the weekend after never? I think I'll be free then."

"Is that one of those weird pony month names? I don't remember that one. I think I'll have time in three days. I just need to get the place spruced up a bit first. I can tell you how to get there after you kill the bird for me."

"Then you wait here so I can actually sneak up on the damn thing. It'll know you're coming."

"Oh! Right. I'll just wait here." She casually plopped her ass down on the ground. "Hurry back!"

_Finally_. I continued alone and in silence, the gun at the ready. When I finally cleared the brush and the forest around the extremely large tree, I looked up and started walking around it, trying to find anything that looked like either a nest or a place the nest could hide. As I was doing that, I was counting myself lucky that this tree wasn't an evergreen, because I wouldn't be able to see the trunk at all were that the case.

I saw a hole in the tree about halfway up the thing on the side opposite of where I started circling. I stretched my wings yet again and took off, trying to be relatively silent. When I finally got up to the hole, I saw that it was about my size. I immediately regretted landing right on the lip of the next hole.

As soon as I touched down, some fuckmassive bird shot out of the hole, talons outstretched and beak ready to strike. I fell backwards in shock and his talons grabbed me. Thankfully, his beak completely missed the mark. I don't think he was expecting the weight of a human in full armor, because we began sinking toward the ground at an alarming rate. What was more troubling is that he was using his talons to pull me closer to him, his beak primed to strike at the only part of my body that wasn't armored.

_The one day I didn't wear a helmet, I swear to God._ Since I knew I probably wouldn't be able to get the gun up at that angle, I ripped one of my knives out of its sheath and plunged it into the thing's chest. It released an immense and eardrum-shattering screech and tried letting me go. I released the dagger and grabbed onto its talon with one hand while the other held onto the gun, me not willing to let such a priceless weapon break from the height.

The height that, as I found when I looked down, was rapidly decreasing. I slid the rifle in its sling around my shoulder as I reached up and grabbed the knife in the bird's chest, dragging it downward and cutting open more of the bird, releasing a torrent of bright red blood onto my head and wings. When my knife finally pulled free, I let go of the bird and shot my wings out, kicking off some of the blood and greatly slowing my personal descent. The bird just started spiraling to the ground.

My fall was more controlled, and I landed right next to the crumpled form of the bird that was still lightly twitching. I spit next to the thing's body, a line of blood dribbling down my face. "Just had to make it hard, you bitch." I knelt down next to it and plunged my knife into its throat. "Well, guess who came out on top anyway?" I ripped my dagger out and rubbed it across the bird's feathers, cleaning it. When it was good enough, I slid it back in its sheath. "Now how am I going to get you back?" I mused, standing up and looking over my kill.

"I can help!" a certain annoying changeling said, popping up next to me.

I ignored her as I looked over the thing's body. It was probably just under twice my height and I wouldn't be surprised if the damn thing weighed as much as I did without my armor. It also had the most beautiful feathers and fucked up body I had seen on anything in a while. It looked like it was made up of all kinds of birds, and possibly some other animals as well. I almost regret killing it, just because this thing would have been awesome to see flying around.

But almost doesn't cut it for long. "Looks like I'm having turducken tonight," I said, nudging the body with a food to determine weight and possible center of mass.

"What's that?" Mirror asked, joining me in poking the bird.

"A human joke. Now buzz off."

"Ha, I get that one! Because I have bug-like wings!" She demonstrated by shaking them quickly, making a low buzzing noise. "So how are we gonna carry it back to your place, Navi?"

I was right on the edge of getting very angry with this little bug. "Didn't you say you wanted to get your home ready?" I asked, at least trying to stay somewhat pleasant.

"Oh, I always have time to help a friend!"

"No, I insist. Go home. Right now." _Or I'll kill you._

"Wellll… If you insist. You look big and strong; I'm sure you can carry him back alone. Remember, you can come visit in three days!" Her wings stretched again and she almost took off, but stopped at the last minute. After a second of consideration, she jumped forward and latched onto me, hugging me. I didn't notice her horrible stench until that point, but it flooded into my nose when she touched me. "It was nice meeting you, Navi!" Before I could do anything, her wings kicked in and she flew off.

And she completely forgot to tell me where she lived, thankfully. _Here's hoping I'll never see her again…_

"For once, I agree with you," Flo said in my head. "There was something very, very wrong with her mentally. No one normal comes into a forest and pretends to be an animal to get sex."

"Look, I don't even want to think about it. Just help me figure out how to get this thing back."

"Put one leg in both hands and just fly. It'll probably be hard, but that's likely the best way. Just do it quickly, before she comes back." She had a very good point. I grabbed one of the thing's legs and jumped off from the ground, shooting my wings down and attempting to get some height.

It took me a little while, but I finally got above the treeline. I was very thankful for my treelike stamina at that point, even though that didn't spare my wings from some soreness. When I was finally up, I started sailing away toward the area where Reginald had his cave. I don't think I was anywhere near the two hours being up, but I could still sit outside and start gathering some sticks and shit for a fire.

Proving that there might possibly still be a god out there, I made it to the cave without that crazy changeling finding me. I dropped the bird from a few feet in the air, not wanting to carry the damn thing for any longer. I landed next to it and took a moment to stretch and look around before grabbing some suitable looking wood for a fire and setting them all up for a good campfire setting.

I released the air pressure in my rifle when I started sitting down and carving the bird. I was expecting that I'd be perfectly safe in front of a dragon's cave, since there were scorch marks all around and the trees were cleared for a good twenty meters. Most animals would probably be afraid of an area where anything that trespasses risks getting melted or eaten. That didn't stop me from keeping my hand near the rifle, ready to pick it up in an instant, though.

It had been a good long time since I carved up a bird. I was hoping I did well enough. And if not, well, fuck them.

By the time I finished, I think the two hours were up. And if they weren't up, they were close enough to it. I stood up and ran a hand over my hair, knocking out some of the well-dried blood. _I need a stream or something. Christ._ After I had cleaned myself up a little, I walked over to the cave entrance and called, "Yo, you guys done yet?"

About half a minute after I called in, Spike came walking out. "Just abo—Whoa! What happened to you?!"

I jerked a thumb behind me at the dissected bird thing. "Caught dinner. It tried catching me. Go get a fire started. I want to find out if Reggie has a stream or something I can get this blood out with. Anything tries stealing my food, fucking torch it."

"Uh… Are you okay? It didn't hurt you, did it?"

"Nah, I'm good. I just got blood all over me. I'll be back soonish, I hope."

"Alright… And thanks for this again, Nav. He explained so much! Did you know that I have _claws_? Check this out!" He lifted one of his arms and held up his hand. With a loud clicking noise, claws pushed out from each of his digits. They weren't that big and didn't seem that fearsome, but they were a more formidable weapon than his bare whatever he called them.

"That is pretty cool. Just be careful with those things. It would be extremely uncomfortable if they came out while you were pissing."

"…Yeah. Well, you go get washed up. I finally get to cook meat again!"

"Have fun with that." I walked past him into the cave as he started walking outside. I probably should have warned him about Mirror, but I wasn't expecting to ever see her again anyway.

When I got into the cave, I found Reginald looking away, deeper into the cave. Steam was slowly coming from his nostrils. I had no idea what that meant, but it probably wasn't a good sign. "Hey, you alright?" I asked, stopping.

"I feel… off, Navarone," he answered, spinning his head toward me. "Like—" His eyes went wide. "What happened to you? Were you accosted yet again? I'll kill the monster!" I was _not_ expecting that reaction. As his anger grew, claws poked out of his hands, his pupils contracted, his tail grew spikes, and his wings shot out.

"I'm fine! I went hunting and made a mistake and ended up with blood everywhere. Everything's just fine, man! Calm down."

He snorted out a billowing cloud of steam as he slowly calmed, his body reverting to its previous state. "I… see. And you did not think to wash?"

"The last time I tried going to a river in the Everfree, I ran into a gay river serpent that wanted to spend entirely too much time with me. I was hoping you knew of a stream or something nearby that doesn't have anything dangerous in it."

He sank to all fours, shaking the earth and causing a few gemslides in his mounds of treasure. "There is one in the back of my cave." He shot one of his hands out and grabbed me, sitting me on his back. He started walking to the back of his cave without explaining why I was now riding him. "As I was saying, I feel off. The dragon, Spike, knows so little. He claimed that there were no books relating to our kind in all of Equestria, or at least none that went into much detail. It seems impossible; I authored two myself only three thousand years ago!"

"Dude, a lot can happen in three thousand years, especially when you're dealing with a mortal race."

"I do not believe it is this race's mortality that is the problem, Navarone. I believe that information is being hidden, kept from others. The friend you sent me, the pony by the name of Watcher, had no idea who Discord was. None at all. All he knew of was the statue. Discord existed before the memory of every living being I know, and the ponies don't even know about him. That isn't the sign of a clerical error or information being lost. That is a sign of information being hidden and destroyed."

"Speaking of Discord, I need to know more about him."

"You and your friend both. Personally, I know little. I knew him before he destroyed the alicorn race and I knew him as he ruled the world in his chaotic clutches, but never once did he make any sense to me. He did all he could to thwart the efforts of Celestia and Luna as they attempted to seal him in stone, and then applauded them in their efforts to stop him. He perverted Chrysalis and some alicorns into the changelings we know of today. He did a myriad of other things, few of which were important. And he resides to this day in the statue garden in Canterlot."

"I am not so sure of that, Reginald," I said, patting his neck.

"Again, you mimic your friend. Given Discord's power, I would not be entirely surprised to learn that he could influence some small things around his statue, but not much."

"For one, he got into my dreams while I was miles away."

"Hm…" He reached around his back and pulled me off again, setting me down next to a small spring that bubbled into his cave from some underground source. "I never did forget the naga caves, after all the time I spent there," he said, looking down into the water and brushing a talon through it. "But go on."

I unbuckled my breastplate, pulled my shirt off, and pulled the rubber band out of my hair as I continued, "And his statue is hollow. If there might have been something inside of it once, it's gone now."

"That is… troubling. And coupled with some of what Watcher told me, it warrants investigating. But this is entirely against everything I know of Discord. He does not sit back and watch. He is too powerful and apathetic. He would be playing some manner of game with us, giving us some way of winning or knowing he was around. Sitting in the shadows is not something he would do."

"Hey, I don't know if he's out and about or not. Hell, I don't particularly care if he is. But between you and me, this motherfucker is the same motherfucker that destroyed my entire race." I stopped to dunk my upper body under the water, letting my wings fall in next to me. It was very cool, not quite dipping into cold. After shaking my head and rubbing as much of the blood out as I could, I pulled my head up and took a nice breath of air.

"How could he have killed your race?" he asked, genuinely confused.

I sat back, letting the water and some extra blood drip off me. "I found out recently that I didn't come from another dimension, as I thought. I came from the past. The far, _far_ past. I can't give you more details or tell you how I know this, but as it turns out some manner of element of chaos is responsible for killing off my people. And I know from other sources that the same element of chaos is responsible for killing off or imprisoning a group of entities known as the elementals."

"And you can't disclose those sources?"

"I'm afraid not. And I'd greatly prefer you keep them to yourself, too. If Luna or Celestia learned about what I just told you, uncomfortable questions would be asked."

"Very well. My silence is assured. However, it is still important that they be told that Discord might be on the loose. I will deliver this information to them personally."

"Are you sure it's a good idea to tell them without more proof?"

"Yes. They may have more proof that they overlooked because they did not think Discord was active. If it is brought to their attention, they will reevaluate things."

"When will you leave?"

"If Discord hasn't moved yet, I doubt he will move soon. I will leave when night falls, to seek out Luna. Are you clean, Navarone?"

"Nah, I'll never be clean again. The blood's gone, though." I stuffed my shirt into the breastplate and grabbed it, standing up. "Ready to head back when you are."

He tilted a head to the side, staring at my chest. "What are those protrusions on your chest?" He lifted a hand and very gently poked one of my nipples.

I blinked, completely surprised by that. "Uh… nipples? If I was a woman, that's where milk would be stored for our young."

"Ah, mammal. I forgot." His talons wrapped around me, setting me on his back again. "If you or Spike ever need more information, you are both welcome here at any time. I believe Spike will be considerably more formidable in battle now that he knows more about his body, probably powerful enough to make it to my cave alone."

"Probably, but I'd prefer not to take that chance. Besides, it's good for him to get some time with some other guys. He's around girls most of the time."

"He is nearing the age where that will not be a bad thing for him. For them, though, it might."

"I'll see what I can do to keep him out of trouble. He's almost as strong as I am now, though."

"But _you_ are more authoritative. You probably always will be. Just make sure he knows who's boss and there is a good chance he will accede to your will."

"I'll keep that in mind, I guess." It sounded more like something a dominatrix would be interested in, but maybe it would be useful some day.

Reginald continued his walk in silence, his scales shifting under me in a way that would probably destroy my legs if I wasn't wearing armor. I made a mental note to never ride Kumani, if you know what I mean, without my armor.

"So what was with your reaction when you thought I was hurt, anyway?" I asked after a moment of silence.

He snorted some steam and answered, "When I saw you wounded at the party, I felt a rage I hadn't in a long time. To see a friend of mine cut down so… I've lost several friends over the years, many of them killed in their prime. I do not like it. When I can do something about it, I will."

"Well, thanks for the thought. I'm finding more loyal friends in this place than I did back at home, that's for sure."

"Loyalty and friendship given often equal loyalty and friendship received. You have done right by me, so I do right by you. Just remember that lesson, since you didn't seem to learn it at your home."

That was interesting advice. Advice I quickly forgot as we got outside the cave and I spotted a familiar changeling heckling a disgusted looking Spike. "God dammit!" I quietly hissed, grabbing my breastplate and spreading my wings. I lifted myself off Reggie's back and landed on the ground. "Mirror, what are you doing here?" I asked as I walked over, ready to drop my breastplate and grab a dagger if she rushed me. I tried to keep the anger and irritation out of my voice, but I don't think I was overly successful.

She spun around with a massive smile when she heard my voice. "I knew you didn't turn into a dragon! That would mean you're a changeling like me and not Navarone, and that would just be silly." I opened my mouth to ask why she was here again, but she continued, "I just remembered that I never gave you the directions!" As she said that, she started walking over to me. Spike seemed to grow noticeably more relieved when she was away from him, but I could hear the hackles or spikes or whatever on Reginald's neck start to bristle as she got closer to the two of us. "I realized it's pretty hard to describe where I live if it's all one big forest, so I figured you could just meet me at the big tree and I can take you there. So, three days?"

"…Yeah. Three days. I'll meet you there. Now, you go prepare."

"Okay!" She didn't move. "So who are your friends?"

I nodded behind her. "Spike." I jerked my head to the back. "Reginald. Now, you should probably get going."

She waved at Reginald. "Hi! My name's Eva. Nice to meet you!"

I blinked a few times. "Eva? You told me it was Mirror."

"...I did? Well that's weird of me. It's obviously not Mirror!" She giggled in a way that honestly worried me. "Well, I should probably get going…" We all watched her for a few seconds before she shrugged. "Are you guys having a cookout? I can help! I know all about cooking."

"…A changeling cook?" I slowly asked, really wanting to cross my arms.

"I might have exaggerated _just_ a little… But I can still help!"

"That's quite alright," I hastily said. "Spike is an excellent cook. We don't need any help."

"Oh… Do you need anything else?"

"We're fine. You really should get started on that mess back at your home. I'm sure you don't want me to see anything I shouldn't when I come by."

"Don't worry, I have nothing to hide from my bestest friend!"

"Right. Still, I'd rather make sure. You know, just in case."

She hopped up on her hind legs and gave me a salute. "I'll have it done in time, or my name isn't Poly!"

Reginald snorted, blowing steam toward her. "You said your name was Eva," he answered. "And Navarone said your name was Mirror. Which is it, changeling?"

Her entire body spasmed and her face contorted for a moment before the smile returned. "Mirror! It's definitely Poly. Say, that steam thing is really cool! Have you ever thought of opening a sauna?"

"Didn't you say you had something to take care of?" I interjected, wanting to get rid of her as quickly as possible so I would never have to see her again.

Her smile slipped the tiniest bit before she nodded. "Yep! Remember Navi, three days!"

"Yeah, three days. In front of the tree."

"Three days," she said yet again, still sounding happy. I nodded to show that I understood. She said it one more time before the smile on her face seemed to give way to a look of horror for a split second. Then she took off flying, speeding away.

"Welp, glad I'll never see her again," I said, walking over to the fire Spike had going.

"Nav… what _was_ that?" Spike asked, watching Mirror fly away.

"The most mentally unbalanced person I've probably ever met. I will be doing my best to forget that I ever met her."

Reginald walked over to our fire and plopped down on the ground. "That is probably wise. Little good ever comes from tangling with crazies."

"I dunno…" Spike said, looking back down to where he was cooking the bird. "It seems like we should try to help her or something."

Reginald and I shared a look before turning our eyes back to the fire. I wanted to tell him no offhand, but I was thinking of a nice way to say it. Flo decided not to help by saying, "He's sort of right. Yes, she might be dangerous. But you should at least make an attempt to help her, Nav. It's the right thing to do."

"I'll think about it," I said aloud, sitting down next to the fire. "Reginald is right. She is crazy and probably bad news. However, she might be helpable. But I know from experience that you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. And I also know from experience that enabling someone potentially dangerous like her is a good way to make them keep coming around. If she doesn't want to be helped and we visit her, there's a chance we'll have to put her down to keep Ponyville safe from her."

"She… she can't be _dangerous_, Nav," Spike hesitantly said.

I sighed, running a hand through my very long hair. "She's unpredictable and potentially dangerous. As I said, I will _think_ about attempting to help her. No promises."

"Hm…" He flipped one of the hunks of meat. "I'll go with you. Anyway, what was this thing? I've never seen feathers like these."

"Man, I don't fucking know. It sure didn't want to be eaten, though. I'm not at all used to having prey fight back."

Reginald grinned, saying, "It takes the fun out of the hunt if the prey is mindless and weak. Though there are few animals that can satiate my hunger any longer, at least without causing an extinction. The downside of growing to my size is running out of fair fights."

"Sounds nice to me," I said. "And constantly being armored would also be nice. I know I wouldn't have been stabbed in the back if I had been wearing this baby." I tapped the breastplate beside me for emphasis.

"It reassures me that you feel no need to wear it around me, then," Reginald said. "But having scales is not all good. It heavily mutes the feel of a lover's touch, for one. And the feeling of shedding them is incredibly uncomfortable. Still, I believe they are worth it."

"Might have to start stealing some from Spike, then."

Reginald actually chuckled. "That would be a bad idea, should you ever run into another dragon. Such an action is seen by some to be a sign of the most intimate form of love. I do not judge, but there are many who would."

Spike started blushing when the dragon mentioned that, and he quickly turned his head back to what he was cooking. I just shrugged and said, "They'd be hard to affix onto my skin anyway. Spike, that bird close to done?"

"I think…" He pulled the large, flat rock he was using to cook them away from the fire. "It _looks_ done. I've never cooked something like this before, though."

"Well, you have a stronger stomach than I do. Try it."

"What? Why do _I_ have to do it? You're the one that killed it!"

"And you're the one that think's it's ready to eat. So eat some of it."

He sighed and muttered something before grabbing one of the slivers of meat and tossing it into his mouth. He took a short moment to chew and taste it before his eyes went wide. "This is the best thing I've ever tasted!" he yelled, his mouth still full.

I lifted an eyebrow, looking down at the meat. "Maybe that crazy changeling knew her stuff after all. I think I'll wait for it to cool, though."

"Psh. Don't be such a big baby, Nav," Spike said, reaching for another piece.

"It's hardly acting like a baby when I can't eat something for fear of getting burned. I don't have a dragon's resistance to fire and heat, after all."

"That makes me wonder something, actually," Reginald said. "You say you come from elsewhere, and I believe you mentioned you are the dominant life form there. How did your kind manage that with so few tools of survival?"

I tapped my head. "Our minds. We had no magic and few natural resistances, but we had the ability to create what we didn't have. It also helps that we were the only sentient race."

"Hm." Reggie blew some air onto the bird steaks, presumably cooling them. I shrugged and grabbed a piece before Spike could eat all of it. "It was a similar story with the ponies. Not their alicorn forebears, the ponies that Discord created."

"Back up, what?" I asked, still not having taken a bite.

"Not even the history of their creation was remembered? What a shame… Before Discord arrived here, there were alicorns, like Celestia and Luna. When he came and began destroying the alicorns, he did so in three primary ways. Some, he perverted into changelings. Some, he turned insane. And finally, some he broke into three: unicorns, pegasi, and what you know as earth ponies. As far as I know, only Celestia, Luna, and the prisoners of Tartarus survived."

"So what about Cadance?" I asked, finally taking a bite of the meat. When the taste hit me, I completely zoned his answer out, caught in the memories. _Thanksgiving with the family. Cool November days…_ My eyes opened wide as I remembered, caught in a wave of raw nostalgia.

A claw on both shoulders brought me down from the clouds. "You alright, Nav?" Spike asked, standing in front of me.

I blinked, quickly shaking my head and lifting a hand to rub at my face. "Yeah. That just brought back memories. This thing could pass as a full Thanksgiving dinner: turkey, dressing, gravy, sweet potatoes, and cranberries. How is that even possible?"

"I don't know, but I know it's awesome. We need to find another one for the road."

"That would be impossible," Reginald said, looking down at the feathers and remains. "This was the fenghuang, I believe. There existed only one, to my knowledge. Such a rare combination does not happen often, after all."

Spike let me go and we both turned to look at him. "Only one?" I asked. "Fucking seriously? Christ, even a few million years in the future, humans are still causing extinctions!"

Reginald shrugged. "There is no great loss. This bird survived merely to survive. It had no chance at children and did little than merely take up resources. Killing it does the rest of the world some good. And if it tastes good, then eating it after killing it is no real crime."

"Sounds like pandas," I muttered, glancing darkly at the feathers. I _was_ just going to leave those and the remains here, but now I felt obligated to see that as little of it was wasted as possible. I knew Rarity could make something with the feathers, at least.

Spike shrugged at Reggie's explanation. "Good enough for me." He walked back over next to the rock and stuffed another piece in his mouth. "Tastes too good to waste."

"True enough," I sighed, pulling another slice of meat off the slab.

It was a nice little cookout we had there, all things told. Unfortunately, I needed to get Spike back at a reasonable hour or Twilight would do her best to hunt us down. I had a feeling that if she had to come into the forest to find us, bad things would happen to me.

So I took off with Spike held cradled in my arms and a bag of bird remains tied to my waist, dangling under me. "So what's better about being held like this?" I asked as we soared over the forest.

"Better view," he answered. "If I'm over your shoulder, I can only see your wings. Or the ground, if I'm facing the other way. I can look around a lot more this way. It also feels less like I'm just a piece of meat. Also, your hand is usually on the back of my tail, and that feels… weird."

I felt my face turning hot, remembering some nights with Kumani. "Oooh, yeah. Forgot about that. Don't tell anyone I told you this, but that spot at the top of your tail where it connects with your body is a serious erogenous zone. Putting pressure on it would probably feel really good."

"…Why would you tell me that?"

"Okay, I probably could have picked a better time, but still. If you ever pick up a hot dragon babe, it would be important to know that."

"Hmph. Any other 'tips,' oh great Navarone?"

"Assuming you have the same type of body that the dragon I fucked did, your dick will have some very interesting features that mares will probably love. And if you learn to use your freaky dragon tongue well, you can probably make just about anyone love you."

"This is getting creepy. How would you even know what… that looks like? I thought you were into mares!"

"Remember my gender changing stones? My partner was curious."

"I had forgotten about those, actually…" We fell into silence as our flight home continued. A few minutes later, we landed in my backyard and I let him down. "So… what's it like as a girl?"

"Different. It's more of a full body thing and less of a centralized thing. You'd have to try it yourself to understand. Now, I promised I would do something with Taya to celebrate getting healed."

"Alright, that's cool. I might… stick around for a while. See if the naga's still up for teaching, you know?" More like see if Doppel still wants him now that I'm better. I wasn't about to get in his way, that's for sure. Not with Flo doing her best to make sure I got over my 'addiction.' I still craved it, but…

"Stay as long as you want," I said. "Lord knows _I_ got tired of Twilight's constant bitching. You've been putting up with her longer than I have."

"I got used to it." I grabbed my practice sword from where I left it and he grabbed all of his gear. We stepped inside together and found Cadance at the kitchen table with her abomination sitting next to her.

"So how 'bout them assassins?" I asked as I stepped inside.

"I'm almost positive it won't be another month, Nav," Cadance answered, rolling her eyes. "I like this about as much as you do. I rarely get to see Shining Armor and your home was not made for mothers or their foals."

"Bah. You're lucky I remember why I'm not married to Gilda. You know where Taya is?"

"Did you check her room?"

"I haven't checked anywhere. I just got back, after all. I suppose that's a good first stop. Spike, make yourself at home or whatever." As much meat as we had in here, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd be very ready to do just that. I went on out and up the stairs, looking for my daughter.

Her door was closed, which isn't really much a sign of anything. I knocked on it and waited until I heard a muffled, "Who is it?"

"Your father," I answered, leaning back and crossing my arms. As soon as she had time to process my answer, the door lit up and flew open. "You still want to do something to celebrate?"

"Yes!" Before I could see much of anything inside her room, she quickly exited, using magic to pull the door shut behind her. If her room was anything like what I remembered, there was no real reason to want to see inside it anyway; she didn't do much to personalize it.

"Well, just let me put my stuff up and change and we can do whatever you want. Or if you can't think of anything, I'm sure I can figure something out."

"You won't need to change and you're going to need your practice sword. You're also probably going to need your ring."

"…Taya, what do you think the definition of celebrate is?"

"Having fun or doing something fun in the wake of a serious event. And what better way to celebrate than by…" Her horn lit up and I got a small amount of vertigo as we teleported elsewhere. "…bonding with my father?" We were in my backyard again.

"What did you have in mind, then?" I asked, once again crossing my arms.

"A fun training exercise! You and me against our teachers."

"That… sounds somewhat suicidal. I don't know if you remember it or not, but our teachers happen to both be very good at their craft. You've only been training for a month and I've only been training for a few. You really think this'll end well?"

"No one will get hurt, even if we lose. It's just a training exercise, daddy."

I shrugged. "Alright. Maybe my ring will be enough of an advantage. If you can deal with the naga, I can probably handle your instructor. So where are we doing this?"

"Right here, of course. They should be here in a few minutes."

Time enough for me to get out of some of my armor for a second, at least. I pulled my gauntlets off and let them fall to the ground, stretching my fingers and letting the sweat hit the cool autumn air. When they were aired out enough, I pulled the rifle from my back and set it up against the house where it wouldn't be damaged in the scuffle. And finally, I pulled my ring from my necklace and slipped it onto one of my fingers.

"So why this, of anything?" I asked. "A nice picnic, a walk or something, going swimming… Why a training bout?"

"Because I like fighting and you like fighting. Is it really so bad to fight together?"

"I don't like fighting, actually. It's a bit dangerous for my tastes. I do it out of necessity, no other reason."

"Then why are you always smiling when you train with the naga? And why do you always seem to be in a better mood after a session?"

"…I like getting exercise." What should I tell her? That fighting is fun? That the rush of adrenaline you get from combat and murder is addicting? That I've grown to love the thrill of the fight and of not knowing who would come out on top, my life versus theirs? That isn't anything you should tell anyone sane, not and expect them to think you're mentally sound. And it's definitely not something to tell someone like Taya, who has a cutie mark in combat magic but has barely started her career.

"Daddy, why do you lie so much?"

"Because sometimes lying is the best and easiest solution to some problems. But only sometimes, and it takes a lot of practice to know when those times are. And it takes even more practice to get good at lying. The only ponies I've ever seen that were any good at it were Celestia and Luna. And since they're both six thousand years old or so, that tells you something. So I lie because it's for the best. And you shouldn't lie because it wouldn't be for the best."

"That's hypocritical!"

"Doesn't make it any less true. And lookie there, our instructors are here." Which is a good thing, because I really don't want to have that discussion with Taya. Fiery Sage and Ames were moving together toward us from the side of the house, presumably coming straight from the front gate. I knelt down and slid on my gauntlets as they closed the distance.

"So you want to do a team exercise," the unicorn said when they were close enough. He was looking at me, for some reason.

"That is Taya's plan, yes," I said, pulling out my practice sword. "It's a decent enough idea; between her magic and my steel, we should be a good enough pair to deal with most opponents that threaten us. We'll just need some practice to be able to work together. Which I suppose is what this is for."

The naga looked down to Taya for a moment before looking at me. "Navarone, I wounded you severely when we first began training. Taya is younger and weaker. I do not wish to risk her health like this."

"I can solve that," Sage said. "I can give your weapons the same temporary enchantments used for duels and arena matches. They'll be completely harmless, but will let your enemy know that he is down."

I lifted an eyebrow. "Will that work on even ranged weapons?"

"If the ammunition is coated in the magic, yes," he answered. I grinned as I walked over to where I left my rifle. When I had it safely in hand, I walked back. "That thing is a weapon? I've never seen anything like it."

"I'd be surprised if you had." I pulled out the magazine and said, "Use the magic whatever on these."

The naga snorted. "If you are going to be using your ranged weapon, this fight will be over in seconds. I know you are a monster with that thing, Navarone. It defeats the purpose of the exercise to beat both of us that quickly. Your sword against mine, or I will take the day off."

I sighed and reloaded the rifle. "Fine. It's not my fault that I like winning."

Sage was smiling as I walked back to where I had left the rifle the first time. "It seems that naga underestimates me a little too much," he said. "I think I would have time to stop any manner of ranged attack from hurting me."

"It's cute that you think that," I said as I walked back. "What about my throwing knives? Can I use those, at least?"

The naga shrugged. "I've seen you use them. You have to be relatively close to use them and I don't see them doing much to end this battle, not as small as they are."

I grinned and pulled them from the straps around my belt. "Would you kindly?" I asked Sage. His horn lit up and they were suffused with a glossy covering. "Now, shall we get started?"

"We might as well begin now," he said. "I fear this match will be over quickly." I held out my practice sword to be made safe and the light from his horn consumed it, giving it a familiar shiny covering. The same had already been done to the naga's giant tree branch that he called a practice sword. "Now, making magic safe is somewhat harder. However, it can be done." His horn lit up yet again and he did something. I have no clue what he did, though. After a moment, he bent his horn down to Taya's and did something else. "There. Now we should be safe until I remove the enchantment."

"Why couldn't we do this earlier?" Taya asked. "Like when daddy was still in bed so we could stay inside."

"Because to truly learn combat magic, you have to see its potential for destruction. You had to destroy to learn what you were capable of destroying, what you're capable of doing to somepony else. And you did, with the grace that only somepony with the talent for it could do. Now here we are, in a training bout. Are you all ready?"

I swung my sword in a little circle, limbering up my arm, and said, "Yeah."

The naga grunted. Taya nodded.

"Very well. I think it would be best if the teams moved apart. Naga, come along. Let's give them some space." Ames set his sword on his shoulder as he slithered away, following Sage. Taya and I were left standing there, waiting.

"Plan?" she whispered.

"Move in slow and steady. Be ready to take down the naga. I don't think Sage knows about my ring, so I'll do my best to take care of him. If we lose, we lose; it'll be our first fight together and both of us are novices."

"I know, daddy. And good luck."

I nodded. "I hope we don't need it." I held my sword up in a ready position, already regretting agreeing to this bout.

When the other two were finally in position, the magic instructor called out, "Begin!"

Taya immediately jumped behind me as his horn lit up. I began slowly walking forward, waiting for either of them to make a move. Taya followed me, peeking under my legs and ready to act if something happened. Neither of them moved, aside from the unicorn's horn lighting up.

"Get ready," I mumbled, hopefully loud enough for Taya to hear. I was going to jump out of the way and I was hoping she'd do something violent to the naga.

I did just that, sidestepping to let her shoot. Thankfully, she pulled through with a massive lightning bolt that hit the naga in the dead center of mass… And then bounced back, arcing right at Taya. My hand shot out and the metal of my gauntlet attracted the lightning. Normally, that would fry me. Since I was wearing my ring, it shot straight into the ground, frying all the grass in a circle around me with a foot-long diameter. _My poor backyard…_

I stopped moving, Taya moving to stand next to me. "He's giving the naga a shield," I quietly said, watching the two of them. "Can you do anything to Sage?"

Her horn lit up and another massive bolt of lightning shot at her instructor. I saw his horn flash brighter as it repelled straight at me. I grinned and let it hit me head on, dissipating back into the ground.

"Use something less noticeable, Taya," I said. "No reason to advertise yourself to everyone that's looking. Now let me see… Can you put up a shield around me and keep it molded around me, but not touching me?"

"…Maybe? I can try."

"I just need it to block the naga's hits. Now, I'm going to rush the naga. Distract the unicorn and I'll try to get a throwing knife into him. If his horn stops glowing, get rid of the naga."

"…I can't see horn glows, daddy."

"Fuck. Then if he goes down, do it."

Her horn lit up as a shield of sorts covered me. Or at least, I was hoping there was a shield around me. I took a second to pop my neck before bursting into a spring right at the naga, ready to do whatever I could.

As soon as I got away from Taya, Sage's horn lit up brighter and a spike of ice shot dead at me. I let it crash into me and dissipate as I continued sprinting. His eyes shot open wide and his mouth dropped, giving me ample time to throw a knife at him as I ran.

I didn't have time to see what happened with the knife before I was dueling the naga. Now, for those of you lucky enough to have never seen a naga in combat, it's fucking fearsome as all hell. They could swing their giant weapons like they were butter knives and ruin the day of anyone that got anywhere near them. I learned quickly that the best way to stay alive against one was to move very, very quickly.

He met my sprint with a thrust from his sword. I turned sideways, turning my spring into a one-handed jab that he jerked out of the way of, not moving his lower body. Since the naga was still alive at that point, I knew the unicorn also had to still be kicking. My plan was to get around the naga and deal with the unicorn, but I don't think Ames was going to make that easy on me; he let go of his sword with one hand and grabbed my sword arm with the other, lifting me up by the arm and pulling his sword back for a stab.

I ripped one of the throwing knifes out of my belt and stabbed up into the arm that was holding me. The magic in my knife shot into his arm, freezing it up and probably giving him some manner of discomfort. Either way, he dropped me and clutched at the arm that I had reclaimed my knife from.

I bolted past him before he could recover and jumped at the unicorn that was trading spells with a constantly teleporting Taya. I stabbed his unexpecting form in the side before the naga's spare hand wrapped around one of my wings, ripping me backwards and throwing me onto the ground. He had time to position his sword above my form for a downward stab before another lightning bolt hit him, sending little arcs of lightning all up and down his body as he jerked stock still.

On the off chance he would somehow survive that, I tried stabbing up with my sword, only to realize I didn't have it anymore. Apparently I dropped it when I was ripped backwards. However, it appeared that I didn't need it, as the lightning dispelled from the naga's slightly smoking body and Sage said, "Wow. That was the most _surprising_ loss I have ever had. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you cheated," he said, looking at me as I picked myself off the ground.

"Trust me, I didn't," I said, grabbing my stick from where it had fallen. "I can't believe we actually won, though."

"By all rights, you shouldn't have," Sage answered. "That you did was… miraculous. I didn't see any shield around you when the lightning hit. How did you not get hurt?"

"I have my ways." Taya joined our little group as the naga seemingly recovered from his interesting ordeal. "Taya, remember what I said about doing more subtle things? Lightning gives you away and lets your opponent know where you are."

"However," Sage said, "it intimidates her opponents and can dishearten them to the point where they give up, making killing them unnecessary. That is the standard guard method of operating, and you'd be hard-pressed to find anypony that would teach her differently."

_I can think of a place._ "If you say so." No reason to tell him about my combat unicorns, though. I grabbed the throwing knives I used and resheathed them. "Either way, that was a good spot of fun, I suppose. We might have to make this a regular thing."

"A regular thing?" Sage asked, looking at the naga for a second before turning his gaze back to me. "I didn't come all the way here from town just for a single bout, Navarone. We're going to keep going, are we not?"

I looked down to find that Taya was grinning up at me. I sighed, my wings sagging slightly.

We… didn't do nearly as well in the other bouts. Now that the unicorn guy knew my magic resistance secret, he was considerably more careful.

After round number whatever, Spike came outside looking somewhat pissed and holding a scroll. He walked up and threw it at me during a break. "Someone sent you a letter," he growled.

"Dude, who the fuck pissed in your cornflakes this morning?" I asked as I picked the scroll up from where it had fallen.

"I was in the middle of somepon—er, something. And uh… Doppel isn't very happy either."

"She'll get over it." I pulled the scroll open, immediately noting Luna's seal. I was tempted to toss it aside without reading it, but I figured it might have something to do with the wedding.

'Do you still want to learn how to dreamwalk? If you do, I can begin teaching you now that you're better. I can meet you in your dreams tonight. Also, I want to talk about this… wedding. Your favorite princess, Luna.'

_Favorite princess my ass._ "Spike, you mind sending her a reply for me?"

"I might as well. Not like I have anything else to do right now…"

"Tell her I said yes, I do still want to learn. She can use the sky to send me a message before she comes in."

"That doesn't make any sense, dude."

"She'll understand it."

"Whatever you say… So what have you been doing out here? More training?"

"Group training, yeah," I said. "We won once out of a lot of attempts. I'm thinking about calling it a day soon; I still need to go see Lyra and Bon-Bon and Rarity, after all."

"And you need to make a plan for Mirror, right?" he asked.

"…Who?"

"You know, the changeling we met in the Everfree? The crazy one?"

"Dude, I was just going to forget about her."

"You know that helping her is the right thing to do, Nav!"

And now Taya decided to contribute with, "What are you two talking about, daddy?"

"Nothing. Spike, I'll think about it. Go send the reply to Luna. Taya, we can do a few more rounds before I need to leave."

Spike just sighed and left as Taya's gazed turned cold very quickly. "Daddy, what were you two talking about? Don't say 'nothing.' You told me to tell you when you were doing things wrong, and you're doing things wrong."

"Taya, it is the job of the parents to protect their child. What we were talking about is something that is possibly dangerous and I really, really don't want you involved."

"Then what makes you think _you_ should be involved? If it's dangerous for me then it's dangerous for you!"

"I don't want to be involved. That's exactly what I told Spike. Weren't you listening?"

"You said you'd think about it, whatever it is."

"Yeah, and I was lying." Actually, I wasn't. Spike and Flo were both right; it would be good to attempt to help Mirror, or at least see if she could be helped. "Why would I risk something that might be dangerous?"

The cold look warmed up slightly as she smiled. "I'm happy to hear that. Though I still want to know what you two were talking about."

"We met someone in the Everfree that was off-balanced. Spike thinks we should try to help her. I think I should try to forget about her."

"You're right. You should forget her. You have enough crazy women in your life."

"Don't I know it…" I muttered, looking down at Luna's letter.

Taya decided without my asking that she was going with me into town to check on the progress of my ceremonial robes and to talk to Lyra and Bon-Bon. I didn't mind her going, personally, but what she didn't know is that Lyra was actively hunting for flower fillies.

With that in mind, I went to their house first; why be forced to make two trips to Rarity's shop if Taya was forced into the role and needed a new dress? I was expecting their house to be busy or at least somewhat different from the last time I had seen it, but things in Ponyville always seem to stay the same, no matter how much everything else changes.

I led the way up to the door and knocked. Not a minute later, Lyra pulled the door open, a somewhat worried expression on her face. "Oh, Navarone! We… weren't expecting you."

"If this is a bad time, I can come back later. I just came by to talk about the wedding."

Her ears flinched slightly at that and I got a bad feeling in my stomach. "Now is fine. Just… you know," she poked her head out the door, looked both ways, and continued in a whisper, "Queen Chrysalis, right?"

"I do. Why?"

"Good. Come on in." I shrugged and stepped inside. Taya followed me. Lyra's magic pulled the door shut behind us as she led the way further inside.

"I trust you sent them away?" Chrysalis's voice asked from the den.

I grinned and stepped into view. "Oh, you don't want to see me?"

She blinked in surprise before grinning as well. "Well now, isn't this a surprise. You saved me the trouble of tracking you down. And perhaps you can assist me in convincing my subject on something." She looked down to a couch on the other side of where she was lounging to see a somewhat frightened changeling that I took a guess at being Bon-Bon. "I want her to reveal herself during the wedding."

I crossed my arms, thankful that I had put my ring on before I left. "That is their choice, Chrysalis. I can point out the possible pros and cons, but I will support her no matter the choice she makes and either way I will see to it that they are wed."

"Then I will let you hear _my_ argument first," she said, looking back to me. "If she did this, it would be good for changelings everywhere. This would show the ponies that the two races can coexist with no fear—and with even the chance at love and marriage. If she takes the first step in revealing herself like this, other changelings could do the same thing. They, too, could be together with their pony loves."

"_If_ everything goes well," I countered. "She runs the risk of not being accepted. If that is the case, little will change between the relationships of ponies and changelings. However, everything will change for her and Lyra: Her entire life would be ruined. She'd be forced to leave Ponyville and possibly Equestria entirely. But it would mean no more lying to all the ponies all around you. It took you years to come out to Lyra. The first one is always the hardest. You could do this—and it would probably be for the best in the long run if you did—but it could potentially ruin your life."

Bon-Bon looked down, a worried expression on her face. "What do you think I should do, Nav?"

I sighed, rubbing at my forehead to consider. "My personal opinion is that you go for it, but not at the wedding. Get Pinkie to throw some kind of pre-wedding party in a few days and make the announcement there. Something like this could ruin a wedding, and you don't want the happiest day in your life to be ruined. However, I am not the one you should be asking." I gave a pointed look to Lyra, who had taken the time I was talking to walk over to the couch and cuddle up with her changeling love.

Bonnie nodded, nuzzling Lyra. "I just want everypony else's opinions before I asked for the most important one. Lyra, what do you want to do?"

"You shouldn't have to hide yourself, honey. If the others don't support us, they can go to Tartarus. I'm here to stay, and as long as we're together, we don't need anypony else's support. I say we tell everypony."

Bon-Bon sighed and nodded. "Then that's what we'll do. I just need to get Pinkie to host a party for us. Navarone, now that you're well, when do you think we can have the wedding?"

"I will be ready whenever you two are. We'll want to do a practice run, just so everyone we have involved will know their places and what to do. You two already have a copy of the very short script, so the words shouldn't be a problem. Just let me know whenever you decide to do it. Rarity should have my robes finished by now." I looked over to Chrysalis. "I trust you'll be there?"

"I would not miss something this important, Navarone. Of course I will be there. I'm sure you'll find some way for me to participate."

I was about to answer when Bon-Bon broke in with, "Important? It's just a small wedding!"

My smile only widened at that. "Remember how you said you wanted a 'small' wedding?" I said. "That almost definitely isn't going to happen, no matter what you try to do. Not if you go through with your plan of revealing this, that is. I do believe that this will be the first marriage between an open changeling and a pony, meaning it is an extremely important step in interracial relationships between the two. I would expect reporters, maybe one of the princesses, dignitaries, and a huge crowd." Her ears seemed to shrink with every word and I knew I might have made a mistake in telling her that. "However… I think you could get away with a small, private ceremony between the two of you before the big, pompous one. You get the small wedding and the knowledge that no matter what might go wrong in the big wedding, you're married either way."

She perked up a little at that. "I'd like that," she said, nodding. "Lyra?"

"Whatever makes you happy. I know you don't want to be a big spectacle, but what they both said is true: This is a big, important event. If you want something to calm your nerves before the big show, I'm okay with that."

"Alright, that's settled," I said. "We can do that the day before the big thing, if it does end up exploding in popularity. When do you think you'll have the announcement party?"

"…Tomorrow," Bon-Bon said. "If it can be set up that quickly, of course. I feel nervous about it and I don't want to risk backing out. You'll be there, right?" she asked me.

"I generally make a point to avoid all of Pinkie's parties, but an exception can be made in this case. I'll be there and if it looks like it'll turn ugly, I'll go full royal knight on everyone."

"That… won't be necessary, right?" she asked.

"Not everyone is as forgiving as the person you want to marry," I said. "You've been lying to a lot of people for a long time. It's good that you're finally telling the truth, but not everyone will agree that the truth is preferable to a lie."

Chrysalis nodded and chimed in, "You have little to fear, though. Most changelings that reveal themselves come to be accepted in their pony societies, though they tend to keep their original disguise in case any visitors are less understanding." It concerned me that she only mentioned what happened to those in pony societies, but that wasn't the point here.

Lyra caressed Bonnie's face. "And if anypony says anything, who cares? Let Nav take care of all the naysayers. We can handle everypony else that are there to support us."

Bon-Bon's fear slowly dissipated in the face of all the support she was getting. She eventually sighed happily, closing her eyes and resting her head on Lyra's legs. "It feels… good… to finally be planning to put this to rest."

"Well, if you two want to talk to Pinkie so she'll have time to get the party together, I'll need to get out of your hair," I said. "We can make plans for the wedding after the party, when we're certain how everything is going to turn out. And you might need to get your dress modified, if you want to be a changeling for the wedding."

Lyra rubbed Bon-Bon on the head and nodded up at me. "We'll see you tomorrow, then. And thank you, Nav. Thank you for everything."

I smiled, finally getting a chance to say a line that I've wanted to for a while. "It's what I do."

Chrysalis rolled her eyes at my statement and stood. "I, too, must depart. I will see the two of you at the wedding." She didn't get nearly as enthusiastic a farewell. When she, Taya, and I got to the door, Chrysalis turned into some unfamiliar unicorn. "If anypony asks, my name is Crystal." The cutie mark she had was a crystal, so I just shrugged.

When we got away from the house, she continued following us. "So what did you need from me?" I asked as I started heading toward Rarity's pad.

"Is it so bad for one friend to want to see another?" she asked.

"I've heard that line way too many times from Celestia for it to have any use on me. You need or want something from me."

"You are mistaken, Navarone, unless you consider wanting a conversation as wanting something. You forget where I come from and the common denizens thereof."

"That is… relieving. Maybe you can answer me a few questions, then. Have you ever had changelings go rogue?"

"Yes. There is one right now in the night guard that went rogue. There is nothing I can do to him, now. I do not believe Bon-Bon will go rogue on me."

"Okay, how about going insane?"

"…Why do you ask?"

"The idea of an insane shapeshifter scares me. I want to know that it doesn't happen."

"Then I'm afraid I will have to disappoint you. There are some that do crack. If they go undercover for too long or change personalities too many times—or even attempt to, in some cases—they can develop a number of mental problems. A common one is harboring numerous personalities in their head."

"What do you normally do with changelings like that?"

"Put them down. They are a drain on limited resources because they contribute nothing to society and they can potentially be dangerous. Changelings can tell each other apart by pheromone, but other races can't tell one changeling from another. If an insane changeling hurts a surface-dweller and reveals that he or she is a changeling, our reputation suffers."

"What if they aren't dangerous?"

"Multiple personalities, Navarone. The original changeling might have been the most docile little hatchling you could ever imagine. That doesn't mean everything that spawns in his brain will be the same. However, that isn't usually the case. When we first met, I believe I mentioned that changelings can feed on different emotions. I probably also said that those that feed on anger do not last long. The _reason_ they don't last long is because most of them go insane. I don't know why. There is more to this than common curiosity, isn't there?"

_What to do, what to do… _If I told her, Mirror would be hunted and put down by the changelings. If I didn't tell her, I would practically take responsibility for the changeling and by extension all the actions she did later, even if I didn't choose to help her.

Maybe it was my good mood, maybe it was a tiny scrap of humanity left clinging to my soul. Hell, maybe it was just common decency. Whatever it was, I just shrugged and said, "Not really. This here is my stop." We were already at Rarity's Boutique. I pushed the door open and stepped inside, not expecting Chrysalis to follow me.

She did, though. "This little town is extremely colorful," she commented when she entered the store behind Taya. "Nothing at all like my home."

You can't enter Rarity's shop for long without attracting her attention, unless she's purposefully avoiding you. Since she wasn't expecting me, though, she made an appearance as soon as the two of us stepped inside. I think she would have turned around as soon as she saw me if I hadn't been accompanied by someone she didn't know. "Hello, Navarone. How may I assist you and your friend?" _Not even going to ask about Taya? Geez._

"I'm here about the ceremonial robes I need," I said. "I'm just showing Crystal around the town."

"Oh yes, your robes. They're hanging up in the back room. Normally I'd trust that anything I made would fit you just fine, but I'd rather not take a chance with clothing for a wedding! You are welcome to try them on back there; I know of your modesty problems."

"Thank you for being so understanding," I sarcastically answered. "I'll be right back." I walked back to her creation room and found the robes hanging off a rack. I could hear Rarity talking to Chrysalis as I changed into the robes. Since I didn't feel like taking anything off, 'changing' was easy: I just threw the robe on over everything else. Problem solved.

I suppose I should probably describe the damn thing, since it was an important ceremonial garb or whatever. The cloth was dark blue, the color of Luna's coat. It came with a necklace of sapphire in the shape of her signature crescent moon. The same image adorned the belt that I cinched tight around me. On one of the shoulders was my personal handprint heraldic image.

Personally, I would have preferred having my armor, but the robe wasn't too bad. And as usual, it fit perfectly. I practiced walking around the room in it for a minute before pulling it off and hanging it back up. I grabbed the hanger and gently draped the robe over my shoulder before walking back into the main room.

Chrysalis and Rarity were casually discussing dresses while Taya looked bored out of her mind. "Fits just fine, Marshmallow," I said when there was a break in their conversation. "Just as good as your usual work. I'm sure Bon-Bon and Lyra will love it."

"I certainly hope so," she answered. "Though I don't know why anypony would find such a dreary color suitable for a wedding. They're supposed to be bright and happy, not dark and dreary."

"Where I come from, the night and its colors are associated with the sensual and private parts of love. It seems fitting to conduct a wedding ceremony dressed in dark blue."

"For you, maybe," she said with a haughty sniff. "But then, everypony knows _your_ habits. Maybe after this wedding, Princess Luna will modernize her marriage ceremony."

"I quite like it," Chrysalis said. "It is short and simple, something for a couple that wants to be wed without a big and pompous ceremony. It is a relic of a more pragmatic time, when ponies believed in doing things quickly because life could be so much shorter."

"Perhaps some relics should be left in the past where they belong," Rarity commented. "Are you here for the wedding, too? Do you need a new dress, perhaps?"

Chrysalis shook her head. "I don't need anything, thank you. Besides, I wouldn't want to miss any more of the tour."

Rarity sighed and nodded. "Very well… Make sure you show her Sugarcube Corner and the library, Nav. This town doesn't have many landmarks, so you might as well show her the best ones we have."

"I will. Oh, and I believe there is going to be a party for the couple tomorrow. I'm sure you'll be invited."

"I might be able to make it… My schedule is full, what with the dresses and suits I'm making. It would be a nice break, I suppose."

I shrugged. "Come or don't. Now, let's get going. Not a lot of daylight left, after all."

The other two followed me out, Taya still not making a peep. She hadn't spoken since the two of us had gotten to Bonnie's house. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

When we were away from Rarity's house, Chrysalis said, "It _is_ growing darker, actually. I do not suppose your house has any vacancies, Navarone?"

"For the one that was kind enough to give me a house in the first place, of course. I suppose that's where we'll head." She smiled as we continued to walk. A few blocks away I thought of something that might be problematic. "I do happen to have a griffin princess in my house as well, though. She's fine with Doppel, but I don't know if that would go for you as well."

"You really do get around, don't you? Are you courting her, or did her father just decide that your home would be a nice vacation spot?"

"He thinks that I'm courting her. She just wanted to get away from home for a little while."

"Well, there is officially peace between the griffins and the changelings for the first time in centuries, so I believe I will have no problems from her. And if I do, I will be able to handle them. I will leave after the… party tomorrow and return for the wedding, though I believe less subterfuge will be required at that point."

"Hey, if you don't want to risk it, just stay as a pony. Or turn into something else. One of the benefits of being a changeling, I suppose."

"I don't think you would enjoy sharing a bed with a stallion, Navarone."

"Wouldn't be the first time," I answered with a shrug. Her eyes widened at that and I think if she currently had wings they would have shot out. "It was less by choice and more by necessity. I have to say that he kept me warm, but not in a way that I enjoyed."

"Hm…" I had an idea of what she was planning, and I can't say that I liked that idea. But I wasn't about to bring anything like that up in front of Taya, so I held my peace for the moment.

Thankfully, silence reigned as we continued trudging toward my home. I don't know why I was really thankful of that, but it seemed nice at the time. When we finally did get back, we found that Spike had already left and a somewhat singed looking Doppel was dusting something in the front room as we walked in. When she heard us enter—and presumably smelled Chrysalis, she jerked toward us and bowed lower than normal. "My queen."

Chrysalis turned back to her normal freaky bug shape with a nod to Doppel. "Hello, Doppel. Rise." Doppel pulled out of her bow, not meeting her mistress in the eyes. Not for the first time, I wondered what all had gone on between the two of them. But I knew that some questions didn't need to be asked. "I trust everything is going well with your… arrangement?" Chrysalis asked her.

"Of course, Queen Chrysalis. Master orders and I obey."

"Excellent." She looked back to me. "Is Cadance still here? I am not certain I wish to bump into her."

"She is. At this hour, she is probably in her room with her child. And I'll probably be going to bed soon as well; I rise and fall with the sun, these two seasons."

"Amusing. A knight of the night that is unable to stay awake during fall and winter, the times of the year with the longest nights."

"Yeah, it sure is a hoot. I assume you'll be joining me?"

"Of course." Taya had, at this point, left us behind, probably assuming we would be talking about things she wouldn't want to hear. She was probably upstairs in her room or doing something else.

"Then I'll let you catch up with your servant, or explore as you would. I need a shower if I'm going to be sharing a bed."

"You're so considerate. Though I haven't smelled anything in over six thousand years, so it's hardly a problem." Maybe that explains why there's always a funky smell in the changeling hives. "I will join you up there shortly."

I nodded and went on up the stairs to my room. I found Freki at the foot of my bed, wagging his little wooden tail when he saw me. An idea came to my head as I got undressed, an idea that I should have had sooner. "Freki, go and guard the inside of my office. If anyone but me or Taya enters, warn them to back off. If they persist, either start barking or go for the bite. I know you want to be with me tonight, but I have an important guest over that might be willing to go for something in there."

He looked disappointed, but he stepped out of my room, his tail dragging. I promised myself that I'd make it up to him, but I knew I would probably end up breaking that promise somehow. I tend to do that a lot when it comes to him.

When I got into the shower, Flo said, "Remember, Navarone, you are trying to abstain."

"No, I'm trying not to fuck something every night. If Chrysalis is just going to be in town for the night… Well, would it really be xso bad to keep her company?"

"Yes, it could be bad. All it takes is one dose to risk relapsing into old habits."

"Then here's hoping she just wants to fucking cuddle." I know I wanted a lot more than that; the cravings were already starting. It feels weird to call something natural a craving like that, but Flo did a very good job convincing me that I was addicted. I was still unsure if I should be grateful for that or not.

When I got into my room, I knew the answer to that. The answer was no, I should not be grateful at all. Chrysalis was kneeling on the bed waiting for me in a human body, though she still had her jagged horn and her wings. She got a short black robe from some place and wore it draped about her in a way that concealed as little as possible while still making her look ungodly alluring. Her fangs poked out of her mouth as she gazed at me with a set of nearly glowing green eyes, her silken hair held in place by some hair sticks. She lifted a hand to point at me and slowly flipped it over in a 'come hither' motion. God _damn_ was that sexy.

I felt my hands loosening their grip on the towel automatically and I wanted nothing more than to drop it and join her for a night of wild passion. Before I could give in, though, I heard an intake of breath from my head and suddenly remembered what I told Flo.

_I'm going to regret this so much. Hell, I _already _regret this._ "I… I can't."

Her hand fell and she pouted. "Am I not pretty enough? Or is there someone else? You shouldn't lead a girl on, Nav."

"There isn't anyone else…" I needed a lie and I needed it quick. "Doctor's orders. You can't know how much I want to, though." And God, did I ever want to.

She sighed. "I knew you had been wounded, but I thought they would have healed you by now."

"That fucker used some kind of dark magic on me or something. If my heart rate starts picking up too much, bad things happen." That wasn't technically a lie…

She sighed, looking down. "Oh, very well. Still, can we at least sleep together? I would relish the company."

"I'm always happy to cuddle. Especially in that sexy body…"

Flo coughed, whispering, "Are you sure that's wise?"

_No. But by God, I'm going to get _something_ out of this._

She grinned and slowly leaned back until she was lying down. "Join me, then. I've had a long day and wouldn't mind getting to sleep sooner."

I dropped the towel and she looked up again, her smile growing. When she saw that I was walking over to my dresser, it dropped and she rolled her eyes. I slid on a pair of pajama pants—if I went through the trouble of getting them from Rarity I was going to fucking use them—and slipped into bed next to her.

She sighed as she snuggled up next to me and I wrapped my arms around her. "It's always nice to be held," she whispered before going silent. I think we both fell asleep shortly after.

I had forgotten about my plans with Luna in the surprise of finding Chrysalis. I wasn't in Flo's glade for a few seconds before Flo pointed up. I lifted an eyebrow before looking up and jerked back, surprised at seeing a message in the stars.

"Knock knock."

I sighed and spelled out, "Who's there?"

"Luna."

"Luna who?"

"Nav, this isn't a joke. Can I come in or not?"

I giggled and Flo sighed in exasperation. "Can you put us in a void?" I asked her. As the environment began to darken and distort, I left a final message for Luna: "Door's open. Come on in." Flo began swirling her way up my pants again, hugging my body under my clothes. I don't know why she did that instead of just disappearing, but whatever.

A few seconds after I told her to come in, a portal of sorts opened in the void and Luna cautiously stepped through. "It looks different," she said, looking around.

"I can imagine. So how do we begin?"

"First, I want to know why you were asking about a wedding."

"I thought I explained it in the letter. A few friends of mine want to get married. They asked me to do the ceremony. Because of that, I needed to know the rituals I'm supposed to use."

"I see…" She sounded almost disappointed. "I don't suppose there is any way that I could be allowed to observe? I don't wish to get involved, I just want to see the first wedding performed during the night in centuries."

"You'll probably get your chance. This wedding won't be… traditional."

Her eyes narrowed slightly. "What do you mean by that?"

"You'll probably find out tomorrow or in a few days. It's not my secret to give."

"If you are planning to do something that ruins the first wedding in my name since I returned, I will be sorely upset."

"Then I guess you won't be that upset. That's enough about the wedding, I believe. Now, how do we begin this dream business?"

"Very well. Before we begin, I need to know what you're planning on using these powers for."

"Probably nothing. But if I get really bored I might go exploring around, see what some people are dreaming about. Maybe become a superhero in some kid's dream by beating up a nightmare. Have some fun, you know?"

"Well, there are worse reasons to learn. Now, the first lesson I need to teach you is escaping the confines of a personal dream, like this."

"Shouldn't be too hard."

"On the contrary. That is the hardest step, Nav. Once you learn to escape from the dream, we'll have to see if you have access to any other dreams. If you can, the rest is easy. If not, I'll have to introduce you to one or two. We should be able to finish the beginner teaching in a night or two."

"Beginner? What else is there to learn after I find out how to get in?"

"Well, as my knight, you can help me police dreams, keeping nightmares to a minimum. If you are going to be sleeping anyway, there's no reason not to. And if I'm taking time to teach you this anyway… Well, you can repay me by spending some time fighting the nightmares of my subjects."

"Fighting nightmares? I was joking when I said that. How the hell would you even go about that?"

"I'll show you. And you may have been joking, but it's a novel idea. With the work I have to do, I have little time to police dreams anymore. I can only get to a few a night, and there are more nightmares than that out there."

"What about the dream machine? Doesn't that thing handle it for you?"

"It does keep most of my little ponies' dreams happy, but there are always outliers. I take it upon myself to spend as much time as I can to fix the nightmares I find, but there are always more. With your help, perhaps we can attend to more. Though traversing through the dreams of others is… difficult at times. Especially nightmares. It will take some practice to get the hang of it, though."

"Well shit. Let's get started, I guess. No promises about helping with the whole nightmare thing, but I reckon I can give it a shot."

"Excellent. Now, here's the first step…"

I don't feel like recording all the effort I had to put into escaping the confines of a dream. I can readily say that without Flo's help, I probably would have given up. As it was, it took me probably two hours to do.

When I did break free, I found myself in yet another kind of void, though this one was not without colors. Specks of color flooded the area around me, coming in all shapes and sizes. From what I could tell of the ones closest to me, they were smoky vortexes, constantly shifting as though something was trying to find a way out. A few of them flickered away as I watched and were replaced with others. After a few seconds of looking about me in wonder, Luna appeared.

"This is what I call the anteroom of dreamland proper. Each of those specks is a dream. The color describes what kind of dream it is. Black is a nightmare. Red is a sensual dream. White is a typical dream. Yellow is a happy dream. There are several other colors and shades, but those are the primary ones. Sizes represent the intensity of the dream. Larger dreams are being felt more intensely by the dreamer, while smaller dreams represent dreamers on the verge of waking up. I still don't know what the shapes represent, even after all those years of trying to figure it out."

"The soul, perhaps?" I mused as I tried discerning between dream bubbles around me. Most of them were larger than I was and they all seemed far away, so I was wondering what I was supposed to do.

"Perhaps."

"How do you identify a dreamer?"

Luna looked around the void before spotting a particular bubble. She pointed out the white bubble and said, "Look at that and tell me what you feel."

I did so and concentrated. After a moment, I felt it. "…Twilight?" I asked.

"Correct. I don't know quite how it works yet, but if you are looking at a dream that belongs to a dreamer you know, you'll be able to tell who the dream is. And if you think of a pony, you'll be able to find their dream relatively easily."

I thought of Taya and turned my head, looking to find anything. After a few seconds of searching, my eyes stopped on a green speck. "…Green?" I asked, taking a half-step toward it.

That half-step turned into a vault and I suddenly appeared right next to the speck, giving me some extreme vertigo. I lifted my hand to my head, rubbing at it to get my mind working right.

Luna wasted no time appearing next to me. "Moving around takes some getting used to," she said, patting me on the shoulder. I gritted my teeth and had to fight from jerking away from her, but since she had been behaving, I let her have her moment.

"So how do I peek inside?" I asked.

"For a normal dream, you just put your hooves—or hands, I suppose—on the bubble and brush the smoke away. For a dream that is protected, like mine, yours, or Celestia's, it's impossible. You have to force your way in and hope you don't get expelled, or leave a message in the smoke and hope for an answer."

"How do you leave a message?"

"Trace lines in it and hope you get an answer. Most dreamers don't know how to reply. Celestia would probably never think to look for one. I don't think you'll be sleeping when I am."

"Will anyone be able to tell if they're being peeked at?"

"It's possible, if they see the hole you make. I've never had anypony mention it to me, though."

"Hm… What happens if you step inside one?"

She grinned. "I thought you'd never ask. We'll start easy, with a happy dream." She looked around for one, idly saying, "As far as I can tell, dreams are sorted in the anteroom by distance. As in, the closer you are to the dreamer, the closer their dream is to you when you first break out of your dream. I've never been able to prove it, not that anypony but me cares. Ah, there's one."

She grabbed me by the hand and took a step, dragging me forward an unknowable distance. When we stopped, we were standing in front of a dream that brought some semblance of familiarity to me, but not enough to actually recognize the dreamer.

"Let me just look inside to know what to expect," she said, letting go of me and putting her front hooves on the triangular bubble. She gently tore into it and pushed her face against it. She immediately pulled away, blushing. "L-let's find a different one."

"What's wrong with that one?"

"You don't want to know!" She began quickly looking for another one while I approached the bubble we were standing next to. I did as she had, putting my hands against it and gently opening a hole. I saw a familiar filly sitting on my lap in a giant mound of pillows, gently being petted and called 'best pony.' I wasn't wearing a shirt and I couldn't tell if I was wearing pants.

I very quickly backed away, pulling my hands out of the bubble and letting it close. When I turned back to Luna, she was smirking, trying not to laugh. "We will never speak of this again," I said.

"I told you that you didn't want to know," she giggled.

"That doesn't mean it's not your fault. If you'll recall, _you_ are the reason all these damn fillies have crushes on me and are giving me candy that they shoved up their vag first."

"…What."

"No joke. First few days I was back home after I got stabbed, the school teacher came by with a gift for me. Candy canes and stuff. Doppel was able to smell the lust coming off the stuff and I was able to smell, feel, and taste the juices."

"That is absolutely disgusting. What did the teacher say?"

"I didn't tell her. All things told, it didn't taste that bad."

One of her eyebrows slowly lifted as she contemplated what I just said. Eventually, she replied, "You're joking, right?"

"Nope. Doppel and I shared it."

She face-hoofed. "Nav, you have a problem. A serious mental problem that you really need to work on."

"That's nice. We gonna invade a dream or what?"

"…Very well. Since this came up, I have a warning: Be wary of stepping into dreams that you are in. You take over the body of the dream apparition, rather than opening a portal and entering. This can lead to a number of interesting events. And it is possible to lose yourself in the dream, though that has only ever happened to me once."

"Heh, step into a wet dream featuring you?"

"No, though that would have been preferable. Now, let's find a happy dream that doesn't involve you, shall we?"

I pointed at random, thinking of Derpy. "That one work?" I asked, my finger stopping at a yellow amorphous blob.

"It will do. How do you know that pony?"

"Friend of mine. She's a weird one, but about as happy as it's possible to be. Should be safe." I took a step that way and felt less vertigo than before. _Getting the hang of it._ Luna followed me over as I stuck my hands on the blob and gently pulled it open. Peering inside gave me a glimpse of a landscape that had vast fields of bubble wrap, trees that grew muffins, red oceans, pink clouds, and a sky that was as blue as Rainbow Dash. "Yeah, I think this will do fine," I said as I located Derpy and what looked like her daughter Dinky sitting at a picnic in one of the bubble wrap fields.

I pulled away and found Luna looking inside as well. "Yes, this is perfect. Now, we don't want to be seen by the dreamer just yet. One of those muffin tree copses would be good to hide in. Open a hole and pull yourself inside, looking at the place you want to go. I will appear next to you."

I shrugged and did so, widening the hole I made and pulling myself inside. With a flash of an even more intense vertigo, I appeared in an overgrown glade, wondering where I was and how I got there. By the time I shook my head clear, Luna appeared next to me.

"Tell me your name," she said, looking dead at me.

I blinked a few times. "…Navarone?" I said after a few seconds.

"And where are you?"

"I… Luna, what are you doing here?" She nodded at that for some reason as I looked around. "Hell, where _is_ here? This place looks… wrong."

"Think, Navarone. Where were you five minutes ago?"

"I… I don't remember."

She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look into her intense eyes, putting a lot of weight on me. "_Think_. Remember the anteroom. Remember the void. Remember the dreamscape, the bubbles and the colors. Remember why I brought you here."

Perhaps some of the sanity in her eyes transferred over to mine, because I slowly felt something chugging in my brain. What she was talking about brought memories to my mind, half-forgotten dreams in a realm that seemed mad, but slowly grew more sane as the thoughts filtered into my mind. Finally, it kicked.

"This is a dream. Derpy's dream."

Luna grinned and the legs on my shoulder fell onto my back as she pulled me into a hug. "I knew you could break free."

"Yes, yes. Now let me go." She sighed and pulled away, falling to the ground. "Why didn't you warn me that would happen?"

"I forgot. It's been so long that it happened to me, I didn't remember it _could_ happen. It gets easier with practice. But now that I think of it, that might have been why I didn't want you to enter a nightmare first."

Flo sniffed. "If she had done that, I would have woken you up. I was just about ready to step in as it was."

"Well, here we are. Now what?"

"The hard part is over. You have all the powers you have in your own dreams. All it takes is applying them."

I decided to pull something out of reality and realized that I had only eaten once during the day. I shrugged and pulled a grilled cheese sandwich out of nowhere, biting into it.

"What is that?" she asked, tilting her head.

"Grilled cheese," I answered between bites. "Best one I've had in ages."

She reached over to my hand and nipped part of the other side, tearing off a chunk and pulling back. I rolled my eyes and tossed the remains aside. It disappeared before hitting the ground. After she had a chance to actually taste it, she hastily swallowed. "It's glorious! How do you make it?"

"Put cheese on bread. Grill it. It's grilled fucking cheese. The name tells you how to make it. Now, what else do we have to do here?"

"We could greet the inhabitant, but I try to never interrupt happy dreams; the appearance of an outside element could ruin it."

"So we leave and look for another one?"

"That would be wise, yes. This is an interesting dream, but it is hardly the most unique I've seen. Escaping these dreams is the same as escaping your original one."

I sighed and began attempting to break free again. It only took me half an hour this time. When we were back in the void, I turned to Luna and said, "So what happens if I'm in a dream and they wake up?"

"One of three things. One, you wake up. Two, you return to this place. Three, you return to your dream. It seems to be random."

"I'll keep that in mind. So, shall we find a less pleasant dream?"

"It would be wise to continue getting experience in the pleasant ones, Nav. Just getting in and out of a dream in optimal conditions is difficult for you. I would not want something like that to happen in a nightmare."

"I didn't say we should hit a nightmare. I said we should hit a less pleasant one. But hell, I learn best under pressure anyway. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Nightmare Moon is the worst that could happen. I will not lose you as I lost myself, not to something that can be avoided!" She took a deep breath before expelling it violently from her nose. "Now, let's find another yellow one. There is much training to do and the night wanes."

"We've only been here for a few hours."

She shook her head. "Yes, but I am a princess and I have duties. I would love to stay here all night, but I can't. We have time enough for one more dream before I have to return to running the country. And you will probably need some normal sleep."

I shrugged. "Whatever."

She cast her gaze around us and located another dream at random. "There. That dream is happy." She grabbed my hand again and pulled me toward it. She peeked inside and nodded. "This will do. I'll go inside first. Try to find me."

Before I could answer, she slipped inside, giving me an interesting view of her flank. "Don't even think about it," Flo warned, a sharp tone in her voice.

"I'm not a fool." I ripped a hole into the dream and looked around inside. What I saw was enough to make me lift my eyebrows: I peered down onto a vast ocean, a large boat slowly trekking across the sea. As I looked down onto the ship and its crew, I found that I recognized a number of kids from Ponyville. It looked like Pip was the captain of the ship and Luna stood beside him, dressed in some modest and demure gown.

I reached up to my neck and loudly popped it before tearing the hole open farther and throwing myself inside, landing on Luna's back.

Before I could lose myself, Flo whispered, "_Wake up_," into my mind. I blinked and the fog of confusion that was crawling into my mind receding, lucidity returning perfectly.

"Easy enough," I said, patting Luna on the neck.

She looked back at me, smirking. "Was it?"

I had time to look confused before a flying weight threw me off her back and landed on top of me. I looked into the face of Pipsqueak as he grew into a much larger stallion. "Stay away from my mare!"

I tilted my head and grabbed him by the throat, instantly on my feet with him dangling in front of me. "You can keep her," I said, dropping Pipsqueak onto the ground. "But if you attack me again you'll find out why it's a bad idea to attack knights." He narrowed his eyes, but didn't comment, preferring instead to walk over to 'his' mare.

I zoned out whatever stupid conversation he was attempting to have as I looked over the ship. _There's no way this thing is seaworthy._

"It's a dream," Flo said. "Don't question the logic."

"Meh. I see nothing to be gained here. Shall we?"

Flo sighed. "You really need to be more careful when you're talking to me. Especially around Luna. But yes, I think leaving might be a good idea."

I teleported over to the front of the ship, staring into the waters as I did my best to escape. This time, I was able to get out in merely ten minutes.

Luna joined me outside the dream soon after. "You're getting better. I'm surprised you were able to get your consciousness back that quickly."

I just shrugged. "So that's it for tonight?"

She nodded. "That's it for tonight. I will visit you again tomorrow and we'll continue. Returning to your own dream is as simple as escaping from this realm. Just do as you would do for a dream and you'll be back where you belong."

"Then I will see you tomorrow, Luna."

She nodded. "Goodbye, then." She waited for a response, but I was already trying to get back and wasn't going to be bothered delivering one. She just sighed and left.

Soon enough, I was back in my own dream. Flo seeped out of my pants and pulled around my legs before regaining some form behind me and hugging me. "This will be an interesting skill to know," she commented, slowly pulling me back to lie on top of her. "And it will be useful for communication when you leave. If you ever get separated from anyone on the ship, just wait for them to fall asleep and break into their dream."

"Yeah. Though really, I'm just learning so I can fuck around."

"I know. Now, you need to get some rest. I believe you'll probably be waking up soon, and you have a very busy week ahead of you."

"Sadly. It just keeps happening, doesn't it?"

"You know you love it."

I just sighed.


	84. Chapter Eighty-Two

**Chapter Eighty-Two**

I woke up cuddled next to the horrifying abomination commonly known at Chrysalis. I immediately suppressed my impulse to scream and instead snuggled closer, very used to dealing with hideous monstrosities by that point. Besides, Chrysalis is a real cutie once you get around all the evilness and the chitin and pretty much everything else about her. She also has good self-control; I was surprised she reverted back to her normal form during the night.

Since I really didn't want to get out of bed just yet—and I had no real reason to—I decided to just lie there with her cold, hard body in my arms. I can't imagine queens get many chances to sleep in and relax, so I knew she would be happy to be able to. And it was always nice to be held, so I wasn't complaining.

I was still drifting in and out, my eyes closed, when she shifted and then pulled away from me. I heard her lightly hum as she pulled the covers away. "Morning wood?" she whispered. "Hm. More like breakfast."

_Welllll… If I'm 'asleep,' I can't really stop her._ I heard a wet smack in my head and assumed Flo face-palmed.

A few minutes and some much-needed relief later, Chrysalis gently brushed her hoof against my face. "Time to wake up, Nav," she quietly said.

I blearily opened my eyes, grinning slightly when I saw her. "I was just dreaming about you," I whispered before sitting up. "I feel pretty good, too."

"That is good to hear. I don't suppose I could trouble you for a snack before I depart? You always have a sweet taste."

"I suppose I can give you a good breakfast, then." She giggled and bent in, horn glowing…

Just in time for Princess Gilda to slam the door open. "I ha—WHAT THE BUCK?!"

We both looked at her like a teenage boy being told his girlfriend is pregnant. "So Gilda, this is Queen Chrysalis. Chrysalis, this is Princess Gilda."

"I know who she is!" Gilda shouted. "What is she doing here and why is she trying to eat you?"

"She was visiting someone nearby and needed a nice place to stay. I offered her my bed. And she's trying to feed off me because she's hungry. It affects me differently than it affects ponies, so she might as well feed off me instead of someone else. And besides, could you say no to that adorable face?"

Confusion reigned on Gilda's face as I'm sure she was feeling rather conflicted. Eventually, disgust won out and she just walked out without a word.

Chrysalis sniffed. "Griffins." Her horn lit up and the door closed. "Now, where were we?"

Taya and I walked in relative silence to the party that was taking place in the park. Everyone else but the naga was invited, though only Doppel decided to go. However, she was apparently too cool to be seen entering with us, and was planning on leaving to get to it later. Chrysalis left shortly after feeding on me, so she wasn't going. Cadance was still worried about getting seen, even though just about everyone knew at that point that she was in my house. The naga wasn't invited because I knew how he felt about gay relationships. Taya only went because I was going.

"So, what do we do if it gets violent?" Taya suddenly asked.

"You immediately leave. I'll try to calm everyone down. If push comes to shove, I'll extract her myself."

"I'm not leaving you, daddy."

"Then get ready to throw up a shield if I tell you to. We are _not_ going to hurt anyone today. I'm pretty sure it won't come to that. Ponies are pretty docile."

"I'm not very docile."

"Sure you are. You're too cute and cuddly to ever hurt anyone." _Aside from Blueblood._ "But that was, for the most part, a generality. I've met some pretty violent ponies in my time, after all." _Like Blueblood._ "But again, we'll probably be fine."

"If you say so…"

On the road to the party, we bumped into Fluttershy and Applejack, presumably also heading to it. Fluttershy gave me a happy smile and Applejack gave me a shark's grin. "It's wonderful to see you out of bed, Nav!" Fluttershy said. "How do you feel?"

"Really good. You get used to feeling terrible and tired all the time and when you suddenly don't anymore, it's amazing. I trust you two are doing good?"

Applejack took that as her cue to jump in. "Doin' mighty fine… Say Nav, you remember those seeds you gave me?"

"I do. Any luck with them?"

"More than you could ever believe, partner. I uh… I went a little overboard when it came to plantin', not expecting anythin' to grow from them. I'll admit, I was wrong. I have as much of the Apple family as they can spare coming in from Appaloosa to help me with harvest in the next month. I was wondering if you could join us."

"I don't see why not. I can't imagine I'll be able to do much, but a set of hands is always useful."

"We can think of some stuff for you to do, don't you worry. Now, don't reckon either of you know what this party's about?"

I shrugged. "You know Pinkie. She doesn't even need an excuse to throw a party. A wedding coming up is good enough for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she threw in an element of me getting better or something."

Fluttershy added, "I heard somepony was going to make a big announcement. I can't imagine what it would be, though."

"I can give you a hint," I said. "It'll be very surprising. Hopefully it won't be an unpleasant surprise."

"Now how do you know what it is?" Applejack asked.

"Because announcing it was my idea. Trust me when I say that it's nothing bad."

She snorted. "Comin' outta your mouth? Well, I don't get that slimy feeling in my gut that I usually get whenever you start flapping your lips, so I guess I'll trust you this time. Nothing the town can't handle, I reckon."

"I certainly hope so," I said. "So how have things been without me around for a month?"

Ugh, I hate recording small talk. Long story short, nothing important happened other than the Earth-that-was crops growing magnificently.

When we all got to the park, the party was already underway. From the looks of things, a very good chunk of Ponyville was there. After all, most ponies love Pinkie parties, and the invites were rather freely given. A chance to skip work for a few hours and have fun draws quite a crowd.

Fluttershy and Applejack split off from our impromptu group and made their way to their main group of friends, though Fluttershy cast me a passing look as they left. I barely saw it, since I was already scanning the crowds for Bon-Bon or Lyra. When my questing eyes finally found the couple, I started walking that way, only to get immediately blocked by Pinkie.

"Heya Nav!" She had a party hat stuck on one of her front hooves, and I knew that she thought it was destined to be on my head.

"Hello, Pinkie. You are doing well, I trust?"

"Yeppity yep yep! And you're doing much better! But not completely better, or you wouldn't be here… But that's okay, because you're here!"

"I must've bumped my head on something while fighting that giant bird yesterday." I saw Taya's head jerk at me when I said that, but she didn't comment. "For some reason, coming to a party for a couple that I'm performing a wedding ceremony for seemed like a good idea. Hm… You know what would be funny?"

"What's that? I love funny things!"

I took the party hat on her hoof and put it on one of her ears. I put the other one on her head on her other ear. "There. Now you're a pony elf."

"What? I can't hear you!"

I grinned. "Even better." I reached out and poked her on the nose because it felt appropriate. "Now, I'm going to go talk to the guests of honor."

"What?" I was already walking away, Taya jumping to follow me.

"So. A giant bird?" she hotly asked.

"Yep. Figured you woulda seen the feathers on the ground, though I did give the mess to the naga for cleaning. He didn't do me any harm."

"Uh huh."

"Yep, no harm at all. Say, did you see where Lyra and Bon-Bon went?"

"I didn't. I was too busy making sure Pinkie didn't put anything on me."

"She's pretty easy to deal with. Misdirection is all it takes. She wanted to put that party hat on my head, but I guided her into thinking it would be better over her ears. Then when she was too busy wondering what happened, I wandered off. Easy enough. Ah, there they are." I finally spotted Bonnie again, though she seemed to be lacking her fiancée.

I started heading that way when I was waylaid by yet another of my friends. "Been a while," Twilight said, stepping in front of me.

"Well, I've been stuck in a bed for the past month. It's hardly my fault you don't consider me important enough to visit. And I thought we were friends."

"What? No, I—Ooh, you always do this!"

"That's because you're just an easy target. What did you need, Twilight?"

"Did Applejack tell you about her crops?"

"Yeah. She asked for my help already. I didn't figure she'd ask anyone from Ponyville, though."

"We're all her friends, Nav. We offered to help, since that's what friends do. We knew harvest was coming up, though we didn't know she had so many more plants than usual… She mentioned that you might have something to do with that."

_Dammit Applejack, you weren't supposed to tell anyone!_ "She did? Interesting. Well, I'll definitely be helping, so you needn't worry about me not being there. Now if you'll excuse me—"

"What I'm wondering is," she interrupted, "where did you happen to get a large number of seeds? Sure, you mentioned that you used to do some farming back at your home, but it was always helping with animals. Where ever could you have gotten some large number of seeds?"

"I haven't the slightest." Her horn lit up. _Fuck._ "Now again, if you'll just excuse me—"

"So where did you find them? Because you apparently know full well where you got them and that it was _you_ who did."

I narrowed my eyes slightly. "As a royal knight of Princess Luna, I demand you step aside. I will not answer your questions and you _will_ stop asking them."

She grit her teeth and glared at me. "This isn't over, Nav. Not by a long shot."

"We'll see about that." I walked right on past her, not gracing her with a parting glance. I had no way of really preventing her from going to Celestia, but I could knock the thought right out of her mind by getting Bonnie to make her announcement.

…Of course, that was only a temporary solution. She'd think about it again after the party. _How oh how to go about this…_

Flo whispered, "It was bound to happen eventually, Nav. You can only hide something like this for so long. Just let me go through the laptop and see if I can absorb the information. Then you can destroy it if Celestia comes by for a quick visit."

I considered my options. Really, that was the best one. I couldn't trust that thing with anyone in power, because I knew it would get fiddled with. I could perhaps leave it with someone like Dash or Fluttershy, getting a promise to tell no one about it and to never mess with it. Or maybe Bon-Bon and Lyra.

But those were concerns for another day. I tried to wipe the frown off my face as I renewed my search for Bonnie. Imagine my surprise when she popped up next to _me_ instead.

"I was starting to think you'd never come and talk to me," she said, sipping on some manner of punch. "So I decided to find you instead."

"I have very needy friends," I said by way of answer. "So have you two decided how you want to do it yet?"

She nodded. "Pinkie set up a small stage for when we're ready. We decided to wait a little while for any stragglers and for everypony to feel at-ease."

"Nervous?"

"A little… You and Lyra keep saying it'll be okay, but I can't help but think… Well, it'll work out, won't it? And you'll be there in case anything happens?"

"I don't plan on going anywhere, no. If you want me to be near the stage when it happens, just tell me when to be there."

"Alright. And we've decided that if all goes well, we want to start doing wedding things in a week. So practice in a week, actual wedding a day after that, then 'big' wedding a day after that. If… If it gets big, of course."

"Alright, that'll be easy enough. I'm sure we each have our lines memorized by now, since we each only have a few short ones. You guys have a venue set up yet?"

"We were waiting to see how everything turned out. That's not a problem, is it?"

"Nope. Just make sure you get a place set up before you send out wedding invitations. Sure would be a shame if the location is a bust and you have to send out more invites."

"You won't have to worry about that. We'll be sure about any location we get. Thankfully, we won't be bringing in anypony from too far out of town."

"Your family won't be coming by?"

"I… don't think that would be a good idea. I haven't seen them in ages… It would certainly be strange for them to see me now, all grown up and completely changed."

"Meh. Up to you. It'll look strange to have only half of the chapel full, but I'm sure that won't matter too much."

"Half the chapel? What do you mean?"

"Where I come from, the bride's family sits on one side and the groom's—or the other bride's, I guess—sits on the other."

She shook her head. "Here, everypony is intermixed, to show that two families become one. It doesn't always work perfectly, but it's a nice sentiment. But only Lyra's family and a few of our closest friends will be at our marriage anyway. And the 'chapel,' or wherever we decide, probably won't be that large."

"Alright. Looks like I need to do some more research on your marriage customs, then. But since all I'm doing is following my lines, it shouldn't be much of a problem."

"For now. But when you get yourself a special somepony, it'll be good to know. And a wedding is a pretty good place to find one, you know…" Oh boy, the look on her face…

"I'm not in the market right now."

"Oh, are you sure? I know just the mare for you, too! And I'm sure I could find a stallion instead, if that's the way you lean."

"I am quite sure, thank you. And I prefer females, not that it really matters."

She sighed. "Oh well. Maybe we can get you somepony on Hearts and Hooves Day. You have that nice, big house, now you just need a wife to share it with."

"Speaking of that, I have a proposal for you and your wife-to-be. Can you—"

Before I could get anything else out, the noise of a dinner bell cut me off. We both looked where it was coming from and saw Pinkie banging away at it on a platform, Lyra standing next to her looking abashed. Bon-Bon sighed and whispered, "Come on," when Pinkie stopped. She started trotting through the crowd that slowly gathered around the platform. I followed at a more sedate pace, since I had less distance to travel; I just needed to be near the platform, not on it.

Lyra was starting some manner of speech, thanking everyone for being there. I wasn't really paying attention, too busy watching Bonnie pick through the crowd until she got to the stage as well. When she did, Lyra finished her speech with, "Now, for our big announcement! Bon-Bon, dear, would you like to tell everypony?"

"It _is_ my announcement… Everypony, I've been… lying to you all." There were a number of gasps and Pinkie jerked back.

"I knew it!" Pinkie shouted. "I knew you took the cookie from the cookie jar!"

Bon-Bon blinked. "Who, me?"

"Yes you!"

"Couldn't be! I don't—"

Pinkie gasped, cutting her off. "Then who?!"

The crowd started grumbling as all the ponies looked at each other with accusing glances, each wondering who had been the one to steal the cookie. Bon-Bon and I both face-whatevered.

After about fifteen seconds of letting the ponies talk, Bonnie shouted, "I'm a changeling!" and dropped her disguise. "There! It couldn't have been me that took the cookie; I can't even eat pony food!"

There were a few shrugs in the audience as they realized this absolved her of the guilt. That continued for a few seconds before the realization hit them and they all jerked their heads back to the stage, eyes filled with a mix of horror, confusion, and an inkling of anger.

Bon-Bon seemed to notice that and continued, "I… I've been like this the whole time. There never was a Bon-Bon, not a real one." She was looking down at this point, unable to meet the eyes of the crowd. "It was all an elaborate ruse…" She finally looked up, a tinge of pride coming to her voice as she continued, "But I love Lyra. I love her and we will get married!"

Lyra stepped up next to her, throwing a front leg around Bonnie's back. "Yep! I love her, no matter who—or what—she is."

The silence seemed to stretch, with the audience seemingly getting more and more upset, before Twilight stepped forward, a concerned expression on her face. "Bon-Bon—if that is your name, now—I've known you since I got to Ponyville. And I've known Lyra for longer. For everypony's peace of mind, would you and Lyra consent to having Lyra's mind checked for charm magic? Everypony knows how Chrysalis ensnared the mind of my brother, Shining Armor."

Lyra glared at Twilight and was probably about to yell at her when Bonnie put a gnarled hoof on her neck, shaking her head. "Of course, Twilight," Bon-Bon said. "We have nothing to hide."

I stepped forward at that point. "Wait a second," I said. "Lyra had her mind torn into by Chrysalis before the royal wedding. Would that affect your spell?"

"It would," Twilight answered. "But I can adjust its power and how long back it goes. A year should give us all the proof we need, either way." She turned to Lyra. "This should be noninvasive and will only take a few seconds. Step away from Bon-Bon, please." Lyra did so, with a long parting glance and a short nuzzling. Soon enough, she stood alone on the platform.

Twilight's horn lit up and a dim purple beam of light hit Lyra on the forehead. The breath of everyone in the area caught and they all leaned forward, waiting to hear the results of Twilight's search. Half a minute later, Twilight's horn shut off and she nodded. "Nothing."

Lyra's face burst into a grin and she glomped her buggy lover. There was some clapping or clopping or whatever in the crowd, some indifference, and I saw a few ponies walking away in a huff. I knew Bon-Bon would have some work to do to get all the ponies back as her friend, but I was thankful that there didn't seem to be any violence.

Just as I was stepping away from the couple to hit up the punch bowl, Twilight stepped near me. "You knew, didn't you?" she accused.

"I did," I answered with a nod.

"You should have told somepony, Nav!"

"Taya knew. I didn't tell anyone else because it wasn't anyone's business. It was Bon-Bon's secret and I knew telling someone would risk it. And I'll have you know that it was on my advice that she told the town."

"And I bet you had to convince her to tell Lyra, didn't you? Should we really trust a changeling like this?"

"I tried to convince her _not_ to tell Lyra. When I heard her reasoning, I eventually gave her my blessing. Those two are in love as much as your brother and Cadance are in love, and I won't step in the way of that. I'll trust Bonnie because Lyra trusts her. I suggest you do the same."

She sighed, looking away. "It feels… wrong. But if they love each other, they love each other. I still need to let Princess Celestia know, though. She'll be very interested, I believe."

"I'll be interested in what?" Celestia asked, stepping up next to us from God knows where. Queen Chrysalis stood next to her, an amusing contrast from Celestia's stark-white coat.

"P-princess!" Twilight stuttered before hastily bowing. I noticed that a number of other ponies around us were prostrated as well.

"Rise, everypony. I heard there was some manner of announcement here that I might be interested in. Did I miss it?"

"I'm afraid so," I answered with a shrug. "Long story short, Bon-Bon's a changeling and she's marrying Lyra, who isn't a changeling. Pretty simple, really."

Celestia smiled. "Well, that's wonderful news. I'm always happy to hear that my subjects are happy and getting married. I take it this is the couple?" she asked, looking over to Lyra picking up a somewhat bedraggled changeling. They both gulped and nodded. "I don't suppose you would mind talking to me in private, would you? I have some questions I would like to ask."

Lyra answered, "Of course, Princess. Come on, honey." She casually tossed her lover onto her back from her position on the ground and began following Celestia to Twilight's library. Chrysalis and Twilight followed.

I wanted to follow, but instead I gave Bon-Bon a thumbs up and said, "Time to go," to Taya. My plan was to get gone before Celestia realized I wasn't following. Thank God, we did. That gave me time to let Flo attempt her voodoo on the laptop before Celestia came by. We got out of town at a fast walk, heading back to my pad.

"So why are we going back so soon?" Taya asked. "We just got there."

"If you want to stay, by all means. My job is finished and I need to do something back home. I won't stop you from staying, if you're interested."

"No! I… I'm not a fan of parties. I'm fine with going home."

"Well alright then. When we get home, if you see Celestia coming up to the door or to my room, delay her as much as possible. I have a feeling I'll be getting a visit from her or Twilight soon."

"Why? What was Twilight talking about when she mentioned the seeds?"

"Another gift from home. I brought a few things back. One of those things was seeds. I gave those seeds to Applejack and she grew plants for me. She was also stupid enough to tell fucking Twilight that she got them from me. So now I'll have to deal with Celestia and Twilight on my case, asking where I got them. This might lead to the laptop being destroyed."

"Can't you hide it?"

"I could try, but I'd rather destroy it than risk Celestia getting her hooves on it. I could put it in my gene box…" I think there was a setting on there to atomize everything if the box gets tampered with or forced open. I'd have to look over it again.

"Why not give it to Gilda?"

"Because she'd look up how to make weapons. I might have a way of backing up all the information. I very sorely hope I do, because I might not have this laptop after today."

"Why can't you just tell her to leave you alone?"

"I'm certainly going to try. No promises about how it'll end." If all else fails, I'll try seducing her. Maybe that would distract her.

Flo just sighed at that.

"Seems to me that if she doesn't listen to you saying no, she should be put down."

"That is the kind of thing you need to keep to yourself. Killing Celestia would bring more problems than it's worth and I don't want to hear you bringing it up again." She didn't reply, but I knew what she was thinking.

We got back to my house in a silence that made me wonder why she was spending time with me. I mean, we're both bad at small-talk, so there tended to be long pauses in conversation. We don't really have many common interests. I don't know, maybe it's just a child thing.

Right about the time we were getting back, Doppel was stepping out the door, all dolled up in a cute dress and what looked like blush on her cheeks. She sighed when she saw us and her tail and ears drooped. "Is the party already over?"

"Nah, we just left early. The big announcement's done and I figured I was no longer needed."

"So I can still go?"

"Sure, knock yourself out. If you see Celestia heading this way, do your best to distract her. Other than that, stay away from married guys and you're good."

"Of course. I have two exuberant young guys to steal all the lust I need from. I just like looking good sometimes."

I shrugged. "More power to you. Have fun."

She grinned, showing off her fangs. "Oh, I will." Her wings lifted from her dress and she jumped into the air, buzzing off toward Ponyville.

Taya and I stepped on inside. I immediately went upstairs to get to my laptop. Taya followed me, because that's what she does. It would probably be best to remove her once I got Flo into the laptop, but she could hang around until then. Freki was also chilling out up here, since he knew how important I considered the shit in my office. He followed us in.

"So how are you going to back it up?" she asked as I pulled the laptop from the locked drawer.

I booted it up and answered, "A secret. One I'm not certain you should know just yet…"

"At least give her the hint," Flo whispered.

"…But it might not hurt." _Are you ready?_

By way of answer, I felt something gently trickling from my ears. Taya gasped in surprise as some of Flo dribbled down my arm, connected to the laptop.

"Taya, do you remember how I said that I have a voice in my head? And that I talk to her sometimes? Meet Flo." Taya's mouth just dropped. "Yeah, that was my reaction." Flo's tendril of watery machines tentatively poked one of the information ports of my laptop before actually connecting with it. The slightly pink-tinged tendril immediately turned black. "Flo?" Not once had I ever seen her as _that_ color.

She didn't or couldn't answer. I resorted to gently stroking her watery form, trying to give her some manner of comfort. "What's wrong?" Taya asked.

"I don't know. Normally she's a light pink or blue. Black has to be some kind of distress… Dammit Flo."

"So what is she?"

"A tight grouping of nanomachines that have attained sentience and call themselves a water elemental. Her name is Flo. I found her… Well, that doesn't matter anymore. And as with many things, this is a secret. A huge secret. Never mention this again at all until I give you permission, not even to me."

"What does she do, then?"

"She's the reason I'm not crazy, basically. She protects my dreams from the horrors I would usually have. She also keeps me company in my mind, and is the reason I can remember all the books I write."

"How long have you known her?"

"Since Appaloosa. It's strange, having someone living in your head, but you get used to it."

"…Can I meet her? Or at least, talk to her?"

"Maybe. I'll have to ask her when she gets back in my head. And you don't need to worry; she's just as protective of me as you are."

"I find that hard to believe," she muttered, looking down at the black mass connected to the laptop. "So what is she doing?"

"Trying to back up all the information, copying it for herself. This way, if I do have to destroy the laptop, I'll still have the information."

"But then no one else can use it."

"Not my problem. I'm doing the only thing I can. If you can find your own precious little brain leech, feel free to bring her here and I'll let her take some information. But otherwise, this is the only way I have of backing it up."

"How long do you think it'll take?"

"I have no clue. She isn't even certain she can do it, but I believe she can. She'll have to get it done before Celestia gets here, or be ready to give up and get back into me." It looked like she was slowly making progress; her color was slowly brightening from its dark black look.

"What's she like?"

"…Nice. Comforting. Motherly, in a way. She got me through so much, so many times of horror. I don't really know if I'd still be kicking without her. I'm certainly very thankful that I have her." She was into grey now, out of her dark black look. "I know she's better than this damn laptop, too. She'll get through this." _She'd better. I'd be going on a long trip for nothing if she withered away._

"So all those times I found you talking to yourself…"

"I was actually talking to Flo, yes. The voice in my head. I may be crazy, but I'm not insane. "

"I never said you were."

"Didn't stop you from thinking it." She didn't have an answer for that one. We lapsed into silence for a few moments, Flo still steadily turning colors. "I don't know how much time we have. If Twilight told Celestia about the crops, she could be on her way here already." I was wearing my ring, so she'd probably have to get here the old-fashioned way. "Can you wait downstairs, get Cadance and the naga, and distract her as long as possible if she does come in the front?"

"How?"

"I don't care. Anything short of attacking her works for me. I'd rather give her the laptop than let her find out about Flo. If Cadance asks why, tell her I said it's extremely important."

"…Okay, daddy." She walked over to the door and put a hoof on the handle before looking back and saying, "I love you."

"I love you too, Taya. And don't worry; we'll be fine. It's just another little bit of subterfuge."

"Right." She opened the door and left, letting it close behind her. It was just me, Freki, and Flo left. I wanted to get up and lock the door, but I really didn't want to leave Flo sitting there alone. But I also needed to get to my safe, which meant I had to leave her anyway.

I sighed and rubbed her one last time before saying, "I'll be right back, I promise." There was no answer, of course. I hesitantly let her go before jumping up and running over to the door to lock it. Then I ran to the safe inlaid in the wall and opened it. I pulled the gene-locked box out and slammed the safe shut, not bothering to lock it again; there was nothing else in the damn thing anyway. Finally, I sprinted back to my chair and sat down, taking Flo back in my hand. I didn't know if I was helping, but it felt right to be there for her.

While one hand was busy with her, the other opened the box. Inside were a few important documents, the gender stones, my magic key, a small stash of gold, and some other, less important things. What I was interested in was the little command console at the top that I never really looked at all that much.

I poked around the thing a little, looking for some settings. It didn't take me long to find them; the console wasn't that difficult and it was obviously made for someone that wasn't all that great with computers. There was one thing that cleared all owner data, one that said the next user would be added to the database of owners, one thing that turned self-destruction status on or off, and a few other options. I reached inside the box and removed everything, shuddering slightly as my hand pulled out the gender stones.

When the box was emptied, I turned on the self-destruction option. I didn't have an instruction manual, but I was hoping that option would destroy whatever was in the box if it was forcibly opened. I was planning on putting the laptop in the box when Flo was finished.

Which seemed like it would be soon, given that she was closer to white than black at that point. "Come on, Flo. Kick that thing's ass. Or something like that." I imagine if her tendril had eyes, they'd be rolling. Either way, she didn't answer.

Unfortunately, I had a very bad feeling about the next few minutes. That bad feeling came from me remembering that I have a tinted window behind my desk that I could use to watch Ponyville. More specifically, it came from seeing Celestia, Twilight, and two guards walking through my gates. Freki whined when he sensed my reaction.

"Fuck. Flo, we have, like, five minutes. Get whatever you're doing done and get it done quickly!" Once again, there was no response. But I did begin putting everything I pulled from the box into various places on my desk in preparation for Celestia's entrance.

Flo was almost back to her original color, thankfully. I have no idea what that signified, but I was assuming it was a good thing. I didn't even care if she couldn't get all the information, at this point; I just wanted her to get back into my head where she was safe and I could hide the laptop.

A quick look out the window showed that Celestia and company were in the house. I closed my eyes and said a quick prayer that no one heard and picked up my stroking on Flo, nervous and worried for the first time in a long time.

Just when I was about to give up hope and just chuck her and the laptop under my desk, the sliver of water spasmed and disconnected from the computer. I hurriedly lifted Flo to my ear, letting her slither back inside. Closing the laptop and shuddering from the feeling of having something entering my ear, I slipped the machine into the box, closed it, and pushed it onto the floor next to my desk. As an afterthought, I kicked it under the desk, where no one else could see it.

I managed to lean back in my seat before the doorknob lit up and the door slid open, automatically unlocking. "Well that was fucking rude," I commented, pulling a knife out of a hidden sheath and picking at my fingernails with it. Freki began quietly growling, standing in an aggressive stance.

"I didn't want to make you get up," Celestia answered, stepping inside. Twilight followed her, a smug smirk on her face. Celestia casually walked over to the front of my desk and eyed the chair I had set up before using magic to move it aside and summoning a couch from somewhere. She plopped down into it, still completely ignoring the angry wolf in the corner. "Now, I've heard you might be hiding something of interest from me."

"You don't say. Freki!" The dog snorted and stopped growling, but still glared at Celestia.

"Is there perhaps any truth to that?"

"Sure is."

"I see. Is it something that I should know about?"

"That's certainly debatable. Me, I'd say no."

She lifted an eyebrow. "Is it something that I think I should know about?"

"Probably." I set the knife on the desk and leaned back. Freki inched forward, ready to pounce.

"And are you going to tell me?"

"Not a snowball's chance in hell."

She shrugged. "Then I have no more business here." She stood, lighting her horn up to dismiss the couch. "Come along, Twilight."

Twilight's smug expression turned to one of shock as Celestia turned to the door. "But Princess— He-he's hiding something! Something important! I just know it!"

"And it isn't our business. He would tell us if it was something dangerous." She didn't even stop for that reply. Celestia just let herself right back out. Freki sat back, tilting his head in confusion.

Twilight stood there staring at the door for a few seconds, dumbfounded. To be fair, I was just about as surprised; I was expecting a full fucking royal inquiry or something. She finally whispered, "I don't understand…" After a few seconds to consider, she whirled on me. "This is all _your_ fault!"

"…What's my fault?"

"The princess ignoring me! What did you do to her?!"

"No clue. I was expecting her to rake me over the coals or something. Hell, never expected to get out of the country with this secret intact. Celestia's more of a bro than I thought, I guess. Ah well, out you go."

Her eyes narrowed. "The princess may say it's alright, but this isn't over."

I sighed, rubbing at my temple with one hand. "Twilight, it's nothing bad, I swear. It's just a secret that I don't think you should know. Not all knowledge is safe or good and some things sure aren't worth learning. Please, for the sake of what little of our friendship might remain, just drop it."

She looked away, sighing. "Nav, I… I can't just not learn something. Especially something like this! I _need_ to know!"

I heard a strangulated voice in my head say, "Tell her."

_This won't end well._ I nodded at the door. "Close the door and pull a chair up. What we're about to discuss goes fucking _nowhere_." Her face and horn lit up as she pulled the door shut with her magic and slid the chair over with her magic. She did her best to sit down, staring at me with a huge smile.

I twisted the ring around my finger, staring off into space as I considered how to go about telling her. Finally, I nodded to myself. "Once again, no one can know of this. It's only a matter of time before Celestia learns anyway, but the longer I have the better off I'll be in the long run. I found a way back home, to Earth. The seeds I gave to Applejack came from there."

"How'd you get back?" she interrupted.

I ignored her. "I got a few other things, too. Nothing you need worry about, of course. Just some clothing and some technology."

"Nav, we can study anything you brought back! Maybe even reverse engineer it!"

"Funny thing about my home, too. You remember how you always thought I came from an alternate dimension?" She nodded. "I came from the past, Twilight. All the humans are dead now. And here's the kicker: Damn near every one of the people I ran into back there refused to consider me a human. So my race is extinct now. I always did feel like I was the last man standing. Guess it's true, now…" I sighed, closing my eyes and letting my legs just slip further under the desk. "There's the secret, Twilight: I went home and brought back pain." _Leave it to me to find a way to make a good day bad._

After a few seconds of silence, I felt a gentle nuzzle on my arm before Twilight pulled me into a hug. "Nav, what happened to us?" she whispered. "We used to be such good friends… And now we're treating each other like enemies."

"Time changes everything," I morosely answered. "Just… don't tell Celestia about this, Twilight. She doesn't need to know; I didn't bring back anything that will hurt her ponies. I just want some comforts from home, some souvenirs from a life I can't have anymore."

"…Alright, Nav. I trust you, Celestia take me for a fool."

"It means a lot, Twilight. It feels like I can trust so few people anymore. It's nice to have someone I can rely on."

"Nav, you know you can rely on all of—Well, you can rely on some of us. Cadance, me, Applejack, Rainbow Dash. When have any of us let you down?"

"AJ barely knows me and is rarely in a hurry to speak with me. I'll give you Dash and Cadance." I shrugged and added, "Not like it'll matter for much longer."

She looked away. "I… I need to go, Nav. Princess Celestia might need me for something else. I really want to talk about whatever you got back where you came from, though. Can we discuss it later, maybe after the wedding?"

"Maybe. I'll have to decide what to tell you. As I said before, not all knowledge is good to have, and my people have seen what happens when you give too much knowledge to a culture that doesn't have that much."

She rolled her eyes. "Nav, we have just as much knowledge as humans. It's just in different areas. After all, _you_ don't have any magic."

"And I thank God for that. Magic holds this place back. But that's a debate for another time. Go and pleasure your teacher, or whatever."

"Ugh. You're horrible."

"Go for her ears. They're really sensitive."

She blushed, quickly shaking her head and walking to the door. "I'll see you later, Nav. And I won't say a word to anypony, I promise."

"Thank you. And send Taya up when you get downstairs."

She just flicked her tail as she walked on out. When the door closed behind her, I dropped the little smile I had on. "Flo? Are you okay?"

"It… it was too much, Nav." She sounded tired and hurt. "I think I got most of it, but the flood of information… I don't know. That was entirely unfamiliar to me and I didn't know what I was doing."

"How do you feel?"

"I feel… odd. There's an unpleasant sensation I've never felt before ringing through my body, but I don't know what it is."

"…Pain?"

"I don't know if I can _feel_ pain. But if I can… Yes. It hurts."

_Shit…_ "Can you at least tell if you got anything out of that laptop?"

"I got some information, yes. History. Blueprints. Other things… It's all just a flood, a mess of things floating around in my mind. I've never felt this… disorganized!"

"Alright. Take some time to sort through everything in your mind. We have time now; I probably won't need you for the rest of the day. Just rest."

"That is… a good idea. I will go silent and not bother you. Just try not to get into any trouble."

I grinned despite myself. "When have I ever done that?"

"Done what?" Taya asked, stepping inside. I didn't even notice her opening the door. The puppy wagged his wooden tail when he saw her, and I felt about the same way.

"Just talking to Flo. She's… pretty beat up. But everything went better than expected: Celestia just said a few things before leaving. The secret is safe for another day."

She breathed a sigh of relief, for whatever reason. "We didn't do a very good job of distracting her… She kind of ignored us."

"It happens. And it all worked out well in the end, so whatever. Now, I'm taking the rest of the damn day off. I need to deal with Gilda and Flo really needs to rest."

She shrugged. "Alright. I always like lazy days."

That night and the next night, I skipped my 'lessons' with Luna. Flo was still feeling pretty bad and I didn't want to go into any dreams without her to back me up. It's not that I figured I couldn't handle it, it's more that I didn't want to risk Luna pulling anything on me without someone there to help me. Call me paranoid, but I'd rather not take chances.

At around the middle of that second day, Spike came by. I was currently in my room with Gilda, going over some annoyingly detailed engine. We had been trying to figure the damn thing out for over an hour already and I think both of us were about on the edge of getting extremely pissed.

So when the door pushed open, we both saw it as a sign that it was break time. She stood, stretching. "I'll be back when I'm back. I gotta get out of this stuffy room for a while." She pushed past Spike with barely a glance, not paying attention to the sword on his back or the shield in his hand.

"You ready?" he asked as I shut the laptop.

"…For what?"

"We're going to go see that changeling today, remember?"

I sighed. "Oh yeah. Let me think for a moment." _Flo, are you able to do anything?_

"I am… well enough. And I believe I know how to help Mirror, from sorting through the computer's documents."

"Alright," I said, standing off the bed. "I'll get ready to go. But I don't want you going, Spike. It might not be safe."

He snorted, breathing out a thin plume of steam. "I'm going if I have to walk there. And I think that might be a little more dangerous than dealing with her personally."

"Oh, I see what it is. You want to be held in my big, manly arms. I bet you're just waiting to steal a kiss."

He was blushing a bright red by the end of that, but he haughtily answered, "And with your reputation, you'd probably accept it."

"Hey, it's not my fault I have a dragon fetish! I usually prefer them without a dick, though."

"If that isn't your fault, then it isn't mine that I prefer soft and squishy to hard and buggy."

I rolled my eyes before sarcastically saying, "Then we can fuck when we get back. For now, get out so I can change." His eyes went really wide before he quickly made himself scarce. "…He does know what sarcasm is, right?" I asked no one.

Flo decided to answer, "I certainly hope so. You've been doing very well, and it would be a shame to ruin your streak on someone so innocent."

"…Right. A shame." I shook my head quickly and closed the door before changing into clothes that would work well under armor. When I had that on, I took a few minutes to put my armor on, because I wasn't going to take any chances with Mirror. Before I left, a small thought occurred to me. "Flo, do you think it would be wise to ask Celestia to watch us deal with Mirror? If things go sour, she can step in."

"It has positives and negatives. We don't know if Mirror is able to use magic, so she could catch you by surprise if you aren't wearing your ring. But if I am correct in diagnosing Mirror, then I will have to be very involved in her treatment, something that we don't want Celestia to see. And if I happen to be successful, there is a good chance Celestia might be eager to obtain the services of this little changeling, should she find out about her. However, Mirror might be dangerous, which is the main worry we have. She might also be leading you into a trap, which seems unlikely."

"So you're saying that I shouldn't contact Celestia."

"I would not, no."

I shrugged and grabbed my gun from its position next to my bed. "No reason not to bring this, then." I grabbed two magazines and slid them into a leather carrying case I made and put onto my belt. The belt already had two knives on it, so I didn't bother adding any other weapons; weight was still an issue, after all.

With my gear sorted, I started walking through the house to the front gate. We could fly out the back, but Taya was back there with her instructor and I didn't want her seeing me flying out in a way that she could possibly stop me—or worse, demand to go with me.

I found Cadance downstairs and told her I was going into the forest. She grunted by way of reply, too busy doing something with her foal to do much else. Spike was standing under the gate outside. Thankfully, he apparently remembered that if we were flying, I couldn't carry much weight, and thus only had his sword with him. I walked on over.

"Last chance to back out," I said. "I wouldn't blame you if you did. I really don't want to risk this, personally."

"I'm going," he answered, nodding his head with a grim finality.

"A shame. Well, come on. She didn't give us a time, so we might be waiting there for a while. And she might already be there. And hell, she might have even forgotten. Let's go find out, shall we?"

He walked over to me and hopped up into my arms. "If this is too awkward for you, I really don't mind the other way," he said right before I took off.

"Doesn't bother me. I've had worse things assumed of me than being gay. Hell, I wouldn't even mind people assuming it that much; less people would flirt with me, at least."

"I thought you enjoyed that."

"I don't mind it when it's not little girls that are doing the flirting. I had Twist and a few other fillies doing things like that."

"Oooh, I'm so sorry, dude. Twist scares me sometimes."

"Yeah. As long as she doesn't go Misery on me, I can deal with some minor flirting."

"…Misery?"

"Something from my world, a book. A woman kidnaps her favorite author, breaks his legs so he can't leave, and makes him write his book so that it has her preferred ending. I don't want something like that happening to me."

"Yeah, I can understand that. Nav, humans are pretty twisted."

"Yep." The conversation lapsed at that point, which was good because I needed to pay attention to flying.

Until… "So what if she does turn out to be dangerous?" he asked.

"Then I'll take care of her. Don't you worry about it."

That shut him up until we landed next to the tree. I hadn't seen Mirror from the air, so I was assuming she wasn't there. When we landed, though, we heard someone muttering on the other side of the tree. I put my finger to my lips so Spike wouldn't open his mouth and listened.

"Of course he'll come… He said he would! Navarone wouldn't lie. Would he…?" Her voice changed pitch and tone. "You saw how he looked at you. Disgust. Annoyance. Of course he won't show up. Nothing would want anything to do with you." And it changed again. "Don't listen to that one. He'll come. He'll come and help us like he helped the others. He'll be here." Another one. "He'll come and then he'll cum. We'll jump his bones and ride him forever. You know how he treated the queen!" Another. "No. He'll come and kill you. He knows the queen. If he knows the queen, he probably told her about you. It's better to leave now before it's too late." And it finally returned to the original voice and she said again, "He'll be here…"

Spike and I slowly turned to look at each other. His eyes were wide as your mom's ass. I probably looked similar.

"Well," Flo whispered, "I was right. Now would be a good time to go talk to her, Nav."

_God help me._ "Hello?" I called, walking around the tree. "You out here yet?"

I heard her jump when I said hello and when I continued she sprinted around the tree, beaming. "I knew you'd come!" And then she saw Spike and her smile dipped. "You brought a friend."

"That's not a problem, is it?"

"No! No, of course not…" She chuckled awkwardly. "A-are you ready to see my home?"

"Yep. We flying there or is it close enough to walk?"

"…We'll fly. How is he going to get there?" she asked, looking at Spike.

"I'll carry him. You just lead the way and we'll follow."

"Oh. Well, it's not far." I grabbed Spike and nodded at her. One of her eyes twitched and she took off without a word. I leapt to follow her. She led me right to the fenghuang's hole in the tree and landed. I sighed and landed right next to her. "Well, here it is!"

I looked down at her, not even letting Spike go. She was looking at me, smiling. "Mirror, is this seriously your home?"

"Of course! I've been living here for ages. You want me to show you around?"

I set Spike down and shrugged. "Sure."

She walked a few steps in and waved a hoof around her and said, "This is the living room. This is where I live. Tour's over!" She sat right down on a pile of leaves or something before she jumped right back up, a shocked look on her face. "Oh, can I get you two anything? I have… leaves. And bugs…" I think Spike had a somewhat horrified look on his face, because when she looked at him she quickly looked away and sat back down. After a second of awkward silence, she said, "L-let me just show you two out."

I walked over to stand in front of her before she could move. I knelt down and put a hand on one of her shoulders. "Mirror—or whatever your name is right now—can I talk to the one in charge?"

Her blue eyes went wide and she leaned back, trying to get away from me. "I… I don't know what you're talking about. It's just me in here! Yep, no other voices at all!"

"Mirror, you don't need to lie. I'm here to help you. But I can only help you if you tell me the truth."

She faintly whispered, "I can't control them at all…"

_Flo?_

"Get Spike to watch the entrance. Make sure nothing comes in at all. And try to get him not watch you, because you're about to do something really weird."

I shrugged my gun off and turned to Spike. "This thing is basically the same as the crossbow, but easier to use." I pumped it and handed it to him. "Watch the door. It's imperative that nothing get through. And whatever you do, don't look back at us. Alright?"

"…Okay. Just be careful."

"Good." I turned back to Mirror, to find that she had backed up to the far wall and was glaring at me with hate in her eyes. I loudly popped my knuckles through my gauntlets as I walked up to her. "I'm not above holding you down." She bared her fangs and launched her tiny, malnourished form at me. I let her tackle me dead on, face-planting into my armor. She slowly slid to the floor. _Now what?_

Flo sighed as I picked up a dazed Mirror. "This is where things get weird. Normally, it takes months of therapy to do this. However, I have a shortcut of sorts, due to my nature. I won't be able to do it entirely alone, though; you'll be helping me."

_That doesn't answer my question. What do you want me to do now?_

"Put her head next to yours, so I can build a bridge between you two. Be ready for anything, because there will only be so much I can do."

I sat down on the floor and pulled Mirror's body into a hug so that her head was next to mine. From the side, Spike wouldn't be able to see that we were doing anything other than hugging. I felt something seep out of my ear and shivered at the feeling. That was all I had time to do before my consciousness was hijacked and I found myself in a blue void, standing on nothing.

"I'm trying to isolate the host," the void whispered, the voice gently caressing my armored form. "Dream rules apply here, Nav, so get whatever you need to defend yourself."

I shrugged and summoned a set of power armor and another bolter. "Ready to crush some bugs," I said with a vicious grin.

"There… there have to be at least twenty of them," the voice said, sounding somewhat disturbed. "Get ready. I'm bringing one of the more docile ones to bear."

A very small changeling slowly appeared in the void in front of me. Her head darted around in fear before settling on me. I instantly removed my armor, losing about two feet in height. I covered myself in clothes that didn't look as horrifying and knelt down toward the scared changeling.

"Hello," I gently said, slowly reaching a hand toward it. The changeling eyed my hand with wide eyes until I cupped its chin and lifted its face up to look me in the eyes. "What is your name?"

"A-akin," it answered. The voice sounded boyish and since changeling males and females looked the same to me, I was assuming it was a guy. "Where are the others?"

"Quarantined, for the moment," I answered. "Tell me, who is the original? What is she—or he—like?"

"I don't know… The others never let me out."

"What can you tell me about them, then?"

His ears jerked down and he pulled away from my hand to look away. "Some of them are mean, hateful. Some of them seem to barely be there, little more than images, split seconds of emotion and nothing more. Mirror, Poly, Evo, and Eva are the strongest, and they come out the most. Mirror is lustful, doing anything she can to get a cheap thrill. Eva is eager to please, kind. Poly is the outgoing one, that tends to get all the work done." He trailed off at that point.

"And Evo?" He squeezed his eyes shut, lying down and covering his face with his hooves. I gently reached under him and picked him up, sitting down and cradling him like a baby. "Tell me about him," I said, holding him tight. "He can't hurt you in here."

"He's a monster," the tiny changeling whispered, eyes locked onto mine in fear. "Cruel and mean. He does whatever he can to make others suffer."

"We can't have that, now can we?" I looked up to the void. "Flo, now what?"

"Now we find one that we can deal with that knows who the original is. I counted twenty-two different personas. Whatever she went through, it was horrible."

Akin jumped in fear when he first heard the voice, but he calmed down when he realized how kind it was. "Who is that?" he whispered to me.

"You aren't the only one who has company in his head," I said. "This is Flo. She's going to help you. Flo, can you get Eva in here? She might be our best bet."

"I can try. However, she can't see Akin. I'll need to send him back."

That made him cling to me painfully tightly. "Don't make me go back! Please! I'll do anything, just don't put me back in the dark!"

"Shh. Flo, can we just hide him?"

"If he can stay quiet, yes. They don't need to know that we're in contact with any of the others yet."

I reached out and pulled an invisibility cloak from _Harry Potter_ into being. "Akin, I'm going to put you down and place this cloak over you. When I do, don't move and don't make any sounds, no matter what you hear or see. Can you do that for me?"

"W-will I be safe?"

"As long as no one else finds you here, you'll be safe. Are you ready?" He slowly nodded and I set him on the ground, tossing the cloak over him. He disappeared from view instantly. "Just stay quiet and don't move," I said as I stood. He didn't reply and I walked away from him so I didn't accidentally step on him. When I was a few meters away, I said, "Bring her in."

Another changeling slowly appeared in front of me. This one was larger, but still looked basically the same. Her eyes lit up with happiness when she saw me. "Navi!" Before I could stop her, she plowed into me with a hug. I managed to brace myself well enough to not fall on my ass, thankfully, and wrapped my arms around her. "I knew you could do something to help me!"

"You aren't fully helped yet," I said, trying to dislodge her from my chest. "I need some answers."

"I can help with that!" she merrily said, letting me pull her away and hold her an arm's length away. She smiled up at me with those cute little fangs poking out of her mouth. "What do you want to know?"

"Who was the original?"

And there went the smile. "My brother, Evo. You don't want to meet him, though. He's mean, though I guess he has a good reason."

"Your brother? So you were the second?"

"Yep! The hive needed more females and since he fed off anger anyway, daddy made him turn into me! He… didn't like that. Mommy and daddy were less than pleased with his reaction. I was second, Mirror was third—after a failed attempt by daddy to make Evo behave—Poly was fourth, and then a bunch of other things happened that I don't remember much about and now there are tons of us! It's never lonely, but some of them are real jerks! And when some of them take over… things get ugly."

I set her down and took a few steps back. "Flo, what now?"

"I… I wasn't expecting the violent one to be the original. Eva, I'm going to send you back. Nav and I need to talk."

"Ooh, you sound nice. Who are you?"

"My name is Flo. I keep Navarone company. Now, you're going back." Before Eva could say anything more, she disappeared. "Nav, we have a small dilemma. By all rights, this is Evo's body. However, he doesn't seem like someone that we should release and give main control."

"Yeah, he sounds like a fucking dick. And according to Chrysalis, all changelings that feed on anger eventually get fucked anyway. I say we deep six that asshole and let Eva take over."

"Should that be our decision to make? It is not our body. Shouldn't we let her personalities decide?"

"Hell no. Bitch is crazy. We can't trust her to make rational decisions. And honestly, what do you expect they'll say? No one wants to die."

She was silent for a little while, considering. I don't know what Akin was making of what we were saying, but he was still silent. Eventually, Flo said, "We'll need to get the major personalities together. No more than four can coexist peacefully. I'm going to bring in Eva and Poly. They'll have to decide who else gets to continue existing. All others will be integrated into them."

"Well, bring 'em on." Flo went silent and a moment later, two changelings appeared.

They looked at each other in complete shock. "E-eva?" one said in confusion.

"Poly!" Eva sounded much happier, and hugged her counterpart. "I always wanted to meet you in person!"

"How is this possible?" Poly asked, not participating in the hug.

"Because of Navi!" Eva pulled away and pointed to me. "He's helping us using the voice in his head."

"Yep," I answered. "And we've decided that you two are going to be in charge in your body. From here, there are a few options. You can share the body with up to two others or you can all combine into one."

"How?" Poly asked. "We can't share with them. Someone like Evo or Rage always takes over the moment we try to let someone weaker like Akin take over."

Flo whispered, "If we start integrating the weaker personalities into some of the stronger ones, they'll become even stronger until there are only a few left. Or, as Navarone mentioned, one of you could take full control over the body and integrate _all_ of the others. You'd be well-balanced and more in control, but you would be alone in your mind. Either way, you need to choose."

Eva opened her mouth to spout out some nonsense, but Poly spoke up instead. "Ganger and Mimeo. They don't get out as much, but they'll probably be the most useful."

"But what about Evo?" Eva asked. "It's _his_ body. Why shouldn't he get to keep it?"

"He's a dick," I answered with a shrug. "Do you really want him in control?"

"He's only mean because of what was done to him!" Eva quickly shot back.

"You said he ate anger. I was told that those that eat anger don't last long. How long do you think it would take for him to break down again? Why go through all this work if he'll be back like this in another month?"

"I… It just doesn't seem right!"

Poly put a hoof on Eva's back. "Eva, this is for the best. Don't try to pretend otherwise. You _know_ he would never willingly help us here. He doesn't want to change; he just wants to hurt others."

"We can't just kill him!"

"It's not killing," I said, walking over and putting a hand on her back, joining Poly's hoof. "It's integrating. His personality will mix with someone else's, if I understand Flo correctly."

"You do," Flo whispered. "None of you will be killed. You'll just combine with someone else. Nothing will be lost."

Eva sighed, looking down. "Then we'll share… Mimeo and Ganger it is, though I don't recognize either offhand."

Poly nodded, looking at me. "Mimeo is cold and relatively empty, used for point-blank analyzing. He'll be good at getting anything done. Ganger is extremely charismatic and can talk us out of anything. Neither feed off anything dangerous. Ganger will be easy to convince to help. Mimeo will see the advantage in it and he'll be willing to help us."

"Flo, bring them on in."

"I can… try. Something in their mind is moving, aware that things are happening. Navarone, be ready to fight."

I summoned my power armor again and slammed my fists together, grinning at the small shockwave that they sent out. "Let's do this," I said through my helmet speakers, summoning a hand bolter and a power sword.

"That's really neat." Poly said, flying up to and then around me, looking at my armor. "How'd you do that?"

"Magic."

She landed on my pauldrons and draped across my shoulders. "Pretty comfy. Could use some more cushions, though. Eva, come on up!"

"I dunno… He doesn't look very happy."

I snorted. "This is a helmet. You can't even see my face. And honestly, you changelings are so light that I don't even feel her on my back. I could probably hold, like, fifty of you before I even felt it."

"If you don't mind…" Her wings twitched out and she flew up to the other one.

"This would be so much better without the armor. You know, a threesome might be in order before you guys get stuck in one body."

Flo materialized a tendril of water long enough to smack me on the back of the head. "Quit it, Nav. Now, I found the other two, I think. Bringing them in now."

"What's a threesome?" Eva asked as the other two appeared.

"I'll tell you later," Poly answered. "Mimeo, Ganger, we have a proposition for you."

One of the changelings before me had pupils. The other had the same ice-blue eyes that most changelings had. That was the one that answered, "Speak."

The other said, "What's going on? Is that you, Poly?"

"Yes, I'm Poly," she said. "Nav here," accompanied by the sound of a hard hoof hitting armor, "is helping us. He said four of us can survive, while all the others will be integrated in with us. I decided that you two should be two of those to stay. What do you think?"

"What do we get out of it?" the blue-eyed one asked.

Flo answered, "Equal ownership of the body. Cooperation will be required, meaning each of you will have to agree to work together. You can either share your time or share your tasks; it's up to you."

"Acceptable."

The green-eyed one nodded. "I agree with Mimeo. I imagine that between the four of us, we can do pretty well. What about the others?"

"Total integration," Flo answered. "Starting with Akin." The invisibility cloak around the hiding one vanished, revealing a sleeping child changeling, curled in a ball.

Poly sighed when she saw him. "When dad did that last punishment, he created Akin and Mirror both. I feel so sorry for them, locked in that moment forever…"

"He's been here that long?" Eva asked. "I never really noticed him!"

"That's the point," Poly answered. "Scared little colts don't want to be seen. They want to be ignored, even if they don't know it. So he hid from daddy and from all of us. Only Mirror ever tries to spend any time with him, but he's terrified of her because of what she represents."

_…His dad raped him, didn't he?_ I asked Flo.

"It would seem that way," Flo whispered directly into my mind.

"Do what you have to do," I said aloud. _God fucking damn I hate people._

"Poly, you'll get Akin," Flo said. "Navarone, I am going to need your help to do the next part. You need to go into their mind to drag personalities here. As long as you are in your armor, you should be safe. Just whatever you do, don't hurt any of them. I have no idea what would happen if you did."

"…I'm changing, then. I would probably crush them if I so much as touched them with this armor." Ganger took a quick step backwards and Poly and Eva decided to fly off me. When they were clear, I changed back to my knight armor. "Well, send me on into the valley of the shadow of death. I don't fear their brand of evil anymore. How do I get out?"

"I'll be watching and listening. I just need to talk to them to walk them through the integration process. Hopefully this won't take too long. Brace yourself."

I reached up and popped my neck as I felt myself shifting from blue into black. I looked around and heard growling, but couldn't see anything in the darkness. "And I said, let there be light!" I slammed my hands together and an orb of blindingly bright light shot out, illuminating the land around me. I saw that instead of a void, I was in a cave of some kind. As soon as the light appeared, several things hissed and I heard scratching and scraping and things skittered into the dark.

However, not all of them fled. Some changelings didn't move at all, aside from flinching at the sudden brightness. And one immediately latched onto my leg. "Hi Navi!" she said.

"Mirror?" I asked.

"Yep! You here to have some fun?" One of her hooves went to my crotch. "Ooh, already hard for me!"

"Metal armor tends to be that way, yes." I looked upward. "Flo, what am I looking for?"

"Find some of the weaker ones. Mirror can probably help."

"Weaker, eh?" Mirror said with a grin. "If you have _that_ kind of fetish, I can help you out." She shrank in size and let go of me, sticking her backside up at me. "Please don't hurt me, daddy! I'll be good, I promise!"

_That's… disgusting. Holy shit._ "…Maybe later." I _did_ still need her help, sadly. "I need to find some of the weaker personalities for reasons that aren't sexual in nature. Can you help?"

She waved a hoof around her. "Everyone that didn't move. They're all minor personalities." I saw that there were about twelve that didn't go anywhere. They were all in varying poses.

I grabbed one that seemed to be begging. "Flo?" A hole appeared that led to some blue place and I tossed him in.

"I can hold two more. Get an angry one and a happy one." I grabbed one that seemed to be snarling and one with a big grin and tossed them both through. "Now, try to get some of the stronger ones that fled. Tie them up or otherwise incapacitate them and leave them near here. I'll let you know when I'm ready for more." The hole slid shut.

"Mirror, cover your eyes. Things are about to get very bright in here."

She grinned, using holey hooves to cover her eyes. "I hope you'll surprise me!"

I grit my teeth and stretched my arms and wings out, summoning enough light to fill the entire cave. Now, the motions weren't really necessary, but they helped me concentrate for some reason. Doing things with your body, I've found, is a good way to focus your mind. It worked, too; the entire cave was flooded with light, revealing several offshoots and tunnels that branched off in all directions.

"God fucking dammit," I sighed, looking around. With a shrug, I pulled out a gun that shoots nets, because fuck logic. "Mirror, stay here. Do whatever you do when you aren't having sex."

"Masturbate. Got it. I'll be warming myself up for you!"

I didn't dignify that with a response. _It's changeling hunting time._ I knew that I had four I needed to find. There were twelve weaker ones around the center. Mirror was also back there. Then there were the five we already had. _I'm coming for you bastards_, I thought as I picked a random tunnel and started walking.

Two hours later, I had three of them struggling in the center, trying to get out of their nets. I was starting to get really bored of wandering through tunnels looking for Evo. "Look, if you just show yourself, I'll talk to the others and see if you can get partial control." Hell no I wouldn't.

"You're lying," a voice hissed from all around me. "I can sense you, Navarone. Human. Slave. Slut. _Liar_. You don't care about me. You don't care about anything. You just want to feel good. A little addict looking for the next fix. You should take Mirror and get out."

"You're starting to get on my nerves."

"No I'm not. You don't care about a thing. You'd sell your own daughter out in an instant if you thought you could make it so that you never appeared in this world. And of course, you don't even care that I'm saying this. You're just here to feed another of your addictions."

I dropped the net gun and started walking back to the center. "Hide all you want. Flo will find you when it's your time."

"Oh, she'll find me… But it will be too late for you."

I rolled my eyes and kicked the air behind me, catching the lunging changeling in the face. He shot backwards with the sound of a roach under a boot. I walked to where he was struggling to get up and grabbed him by the neck, lifting him up. "If you try to attack me again, I'll give you a treatment that'll make what your dad gave you feel like a tickle. So unless you want your colon ruptured seven ways to Sunday, I suggest you play nice."

"Lia—" I slapped him across the face with my other hand, breaking one of his fangs. "Attacking someone weak and helpless? What a man you are." I punched him in the gut, smiling as his eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah, I know I'm a bully. And I know that you're a weak little coward, someone I feel no remorse hurting. And I also know you're trying to get me to kill you. But don't worry; that won't happen. You'd be surprised what you can live through, after all." I gripped his tail with my other hand and dropped his throat, letting him slam into the ground. I whistled a jaunty tune as I began dragging him to the center.

When I finally got there, I tossed him into the pile of the others that were still struggling. As an afterthought, I summoned some rope and tied him up using his leg holes and put a muzzle on him.

Mirror licked her lips, looking at how he was tied up. "I do like me some bondage," she said, giggling. "Can I…?"

"Nah. No one deserves that." _I'm really glad that none of them are smart enough to change their shape to escape that shit._

The next hour was spent periodically throwing changelings into a portal. Finally, it was just me, Mirror, and Evo.

"So what's all this for?" Mirror asked as I finally tossed an extremely unhappy Evo through.

"Integration and shit," I answered. "We're fixing this body so that only four entities remain, basically."

"…Will I be one of the four?"

"Nope."

Her eyes opened wide. "B-but… Why not?!"

"Hey, I didn't decide this. That was Eva and Poly. I'm just acting as muscle here."

"Can I dispute it?"

"Doubt it. Maybe a few hours ago, sure. But now, I don't think so."

She looked down for a second, confused and probably scared. Then she looked back up to me and I could tell that she was fighting back tears. "C-can you d-do a last request?"

_Oh boy._ "…Yeah. It's only fair."

"Will you… hold me? No one's ever done that for me before…"

I stripped my armor as I knelt down, holding my arms out. She uncertainly wrapped her legs around me, and sighed as I enfolded her in my arms. I began gently rocking with her.

"Feels… warm," she whispered. "I like it."

It took another thirty minutes before Flo said, "It's her turn now, Nav. Send her through, but you need to wait there."

I gently pulled Mirror away. "It's time." She barely seemed to notice, and just had a sad little smile as I pushed her through the portal. When she was through, Poly and Mimeo walked through, joining me on this side.

They both looked around as I stood and clothed myself. "Looks much nicer with some light," Poly commented. "Feels pretty empty, though."

"You can decorate it however you want," I said with a shrug, pulling a vase of black roses and a table into being. I set them both to the side. "All it takes is the will to do something. You could probably change the entire cave setting, too. Just remember that you're all in it together, now. Make sure the others are okay with any changes you make."

"I think some sun would be good," Poly commented. "I never realized it was so big in this place. I explored as much as I could, but there were places that didn't seem safe to go."

"As far as I can tell, it's all safe now. So have you guys decided what you're going to do when you get yourselves together?"

"Survive," Mimeo answered. "Thriving is not possible in the forest. Little food. Survival is all that can be done."

Poly shrugged. "We might explore. There's plenty of the world to see. Maybe we'll find some place with no changelings that'll recognize our hormones. And if not, at least we'll have seen the world."

I crossed my arms, leaning back a little and thinking. "I got a proposition for you. You know I live in Equestria's borders, right on the edge of the forest. I have a changeling in my service already and I can convince her to keep quiet about you. I'll be leaving soon and you can come with me. If you find a place in the world you'd rather be, you're welcome to leave at any time. I'll keep you safe from Chrysalis if I have to beat her myself."

"Define leaving," Mimeo said.

"As in, leaving Equestria and going around the world. It'll probably be a lot safer than going yourself, what with having a large number of people going. Of course, you'll be in my home first on a tentative basis. If you prove yourself capable and sane even with four people in your head, you'll be free to stay. You fuck up too badly and you're out. Talk to the others about it and get an answer back to me."

"…You would do that? Even after all you've done for us?" Poly slowly asked.

I shrugged. "Don't see why I wouldn't. Changelings are awfully useful. And I'd say that you're pretty down on your luck and wouldn't mind a little bit of help. If you don't want to work for me, you're welcome to try your luck with Celestia or Luna—though I suggest against both of them. Maybe Cadance. Just talk it over with the others. Know that you have plenty of options. And God, this is taking fucking forever. Flo, if I eat in here will I still be hungry?"

"Yes. I'm sending the others through and pulling you back, though. Just give me a moment."

I nodded at the two entities before me. "Until we meet in person, then."

Mimeo nodded and Poly waved as I faded out of their mind and into Flo's void. I looked around to find that I was alone. Flo sighed deeply and whispered, "It's hard, killing others… They weren't technically people, but they still had feelings and were individuals. And we… destroyed them in a way. Erased their ability to think. Shackled them as mindless slaves to others. And we call this the 'best' option…"

"It is, Flo. Never for a second should you think that killing isn't sometimes the best or only option. It's not always that way, though."

"I know, Navarone. I just don't like it at all. You are acclimated to it, sadly. But I am not. Water elementals have a reverence for life, after all."

"I know. If you ever want to talk about it, you know I'll listen. I've done my share of rationalizing in the past."

"And all it did was make you cold, dead inside. Are you ready to return to the world of the living?"

"Yep. I imagine Spike is awfully bored out there."

"Then be free." I suddenly woke out of my Flo-induced coma and took a deep breath, getting a nose full of unbathed changeling. I immediately started coughing as I pushed her away from me. I heard clawed feet striking the ground and Spike put a hand on my shoulder.

"You alright, Nav?" he asked, concern in his voice. "She didn't do anything, did she?"

"Other than smell like Satan's gym clothes, no. Fuck, but she needs a bath! How long were we out?"

"It's been hours. I got really bored, just sitting around. But how did you just now notice her smell? I could tell when I got in here and you were holding her for hours!"

"My mind was elsewhere. Did anything try to attack us?"

"…Yes. You didn't hear me kill it?"

"Nope. What was it?"

"Cockatrice. This thing shoots real nice, too. Can you make me one?"

"Nope." I pulled it out of his hands and popped the clip. _Eight rounds left, with one in the chamber_. "One shot, one kill. I like it. Those things aren't worth eating and the round would go clear through it, so we won't bother recovering it. How's Eva?"

"…Who?"

I nodded at the changeling, who was now sitting up and rubbing at her head. "How you feeling?" I asked her.

She jerked her head to mine when she heard my voice. A massive smile grew on her face and before I knew what was happening I got pile-drived in a hug. "Thank you thank you thank you! I knew you could help, Navi!"

I patted her on the back before prying her off of me and setting her down, standing up, and walking away several steps. "It's good that you're better, but you smell like you were rolling around in no man's land. If you decide to take my offer, before anything else you are going to spend at least half an hour in a bath, scrubbing until I don't gag as soon as you get near."

"What offer?" Spike asked.

"I'm working for him now!" she shouted, still beaming. "We all agreed that it would be best to stay with you for at least the time being, until we can either learn some useful skills or find somewhere else to stay."

Spike grabbed my arm and pulled me down to whisper, "I thought you said she was dangerous!"

"She's better now," I whispered back. I pulled away from him and nodded at Eva. "Then get whatever you want to save from this place and let's go. I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do…"

"And Taya won't be happy," Flo whispered. "Remember what you told her."

_…Fuck._ "Eva, make sure not to tell anyone about you-know-what," I said, tapping my head. I wanted to make sure she wouldn't tell fucking _anyone_ about Flo.

"Don't you worry, Navi! I won't tell anyone your secret."

"Awesome. Now can you stop calling me that?"

"Nope! Ready to go when you are!"

I sighed, shouldering my rifle and turning to Spike. "Come on up. Sooner we leave, the sooner I can get out of this armor and get yelled at by Taya."

"Yelled at for what?" Spike asked as he jumped into my arms.

"I told her I wasn't coming out here." I carried him over to the edge of the hole and jumped out, soaring out and away. Eva easily followed, flying along next to me in her regular body. I lazily flew toward home, not really looking forward to the conversations that were about to happen.

I was tempted to land at Fluttershy's pad and make Eva take a bath while I go and try to explain things, but I quickly decided I didn't want to risk leaving her alone with Fluttershy. So instead I flew directly to my house, looking around for a second before landing. I set Spike down and said, "Eva, Spike, wait here. I'll be right back."

Spike sighed and eyed Eva warily, backing away several steps when he thought she wasn't looking. She was just looking around the yard in fascination, taking in the flowers and whatever else she could see. I started walking around the back. Taya was doing something weird with her instructor and the naga was watching them both warily. I walked over to him.

"I do not think I care for magic, Cain," he said, still eyeing them both. "It has destructive potentials that are not at all fair in a fight."

"I know. It's great when it's on your side. Why do you think I let Taya learn all this shit? Now, I have a task for you. In the front yard is a changeling. She might be dangerous. She will be staying with us for a little while. If we determine that she's dangerous or unsound, she'll get the boot. If she's fine, she'll be staying for longer. But until we decide, I want her watched. Can you keep an eye on her for me?"

"Very well. She is in the front, you said?"

"Yeah. Tell her that her first task is immediately taking a bath. Take her to one of the unused guest rooms and stand guard while she does her business. I don't care if you have to physically _drag_ her to a bath; she is going to wash before she talks to anyone else that lives here."

"That sounds easy enough. I know from Doppel's advances on me that they are light and easily carried. Why is it so important that she bathe?"

"You'll see. I'll go inside and explain the situation to Cadance and Doppel, if they're here. Good luck with her."

"She will behave." On that ominous note, he began slithering away. I took a second to look at Taya and her instructor, who seemed to be holding a blindingly bright flash of light connecting their horns. Then I shrugged and walked to the back door, letting myself into the kitchen. Doppel was sitting at the table, reading some manner of mail or something. She didn't even look up when I stepped inside.

"Doppel, I have news," I commented, walking over to the table. She didn't look up, just grunted. "News that needs to be listened to." She sighed and put the note down. "I found a changeling in the woods that will be living here for some time. She ran away from one of the hives after going crazy from feeding on anger. I sorted her issues out and I don't want Chrysalis showing up to kill her."

"Navarone, that's stupid and impossible for a few reasons. First, no one runs from the hives. Second, no changeling that feeds on anger lives long. Third, you can't 'sort out' insanity. If anything, she's a feral changeling sent here to spy on you by one of the hives that the queen doesn't control. I suggest slitting her throat and dropping her in the woods, but I suppose we could turn her against her hive and use her as a double agent. I hope you didn't tell her that I was here, though; I won't be able to get her hormonal scent if she knows there's a changeling here."

"She knows. I'll let you meet her before you decide anything. If it makes you feel any better, the naga is watching her and I can put my ring on so she can't do anything. She should be coming in the front door by now."

As if on cue, I heard the door open. Doppel sighed and hopped down from her seat, trotting over to the hall connecting the kitchen to the entrance. I pulled my ring out from around my neck as I walked that way. Soon enough it was on my finger, the gauntlet going on the hook on my belt. I had seen no indication that Eva could use magic, but then I didn't have any proof that she couldn't.

"Hi! My name's Eva!" I got to within sight of them to see Eva holding up a hoof to shake with Doppel, who looks confused and somewhat afraid. As soon as Eva stopped, the naga grabbed her tail and began dragging her to the stairs. "It was nice meeting you! I'll see you later." That was all she had time for before they turned another corner and we couldn't see them.

"Really nice girl. Still a little muddled. And fuck does she stink," I commented idly as Spike entered and closed the door behind himself. "Well, what do you think?" I asked Doppel.

"She isn't right in the head! Her hormones are overlapping, sending confused signals… She can't be safe, Nav."

"We're going to give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. I'll set Freki to watch her in the night and the naga can watch her during the day. Now, I don't want Chrysalis to know about her. She'd have the same reaction you would, plus a lot more violence. As long as Eva proves to be safe, Chrysalis will hopefully never learn of her. If she ever proves otherwise… I don't know. I'll decide what to do then. Alright?"

Doppel muttered something that sounded like, "Too old for this shit," before grabbing Spike and pulling him toward the stairs. She stopped when they were a few steps away and looked back at me. "Hey, you want to join, too?"

"…Nah. I need to talk to Cadance and then Taya. Have fun."

She shrugged and continued dragging Spike away. Of course, he wasn't resisting all that much. I wouldn't either, if I was in his scales. _Now, if I was a pretty pink princess, where would I be?_

"You should be careful with who you call pretty, even in your mind," Flo whispered.

_You know what I meant._ My first guess was with her brat. I waited a few seconds until I could hear Doppel's door slam shut before following them up and poking my head in Cadance's room. She sure wasn't in there. Neither was her kid. "Huh." I took the time to go on upstairs to my room and change out of my armor, making me feel much cooler and lighter.

That done, I went downstairs and called, "Cadance? You in here?" No answer. _Maybe she finally went home. Could have at least told me._

I had one last place to check before I'd give up and talk to Taya first. I went into the cellar, to the naga's room. Sure enough, I heard something splashing around down there. When I turned the corner, I saw Cadance lying on her back in the water, wings outstretched to either side. Her spawn was on her chest, peeking over and splashing at the water, giggling. Skyla's smile immediately dropped when she saw me.

"We got a new tenant," I said, stopping at the entrance to the little cave.

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Another girl you're sleeping with, I assume?"

"Only half of those are true."

"Oh, so you finally decided to try a stallion?"

"First, that wouldn't be my first stallion. Second, fuck you. Anyway, this girl's a little addled in the head. In the potentially dangerous way. Freki will be watching her at night and the naga will be watching her during the day to determine if she's dangerous. I want you to help keep an eye on her."

"Well, what's her name?"

"Alright, this is where things get weird. For one, it's another changeling. The weird part is that she has multiple personality disorder. I sorted it out for her and now there are four entities coexisting in her body. The host's name is Eva. Poly, Mimeo, and Ganger share her body."

"Navarone, that doesn't make any sense. First, what is multiple personality disorder?"

"The name says it all. It's a mental problem where there are several other people living in your head. Some of them are more 'complete' than others."

"And you just… sorted it out?"

"Humans are considerably more advanced in mental health techniques than ponies are. This 'disorder' is just a blessing in disguise, if you choose to look at it that way. I could have completely put her back together, but if you can have four specialized personalities in your head, wouldn't you want them around?"

"…No? I think I'm just fine having my head to myself."

"Well, that's your prerogative."

"You don't have anything like that, do you?"

"No." _Not of my own making, at least. _"Anyway, I offered Eva a place to stay for a little while. I'm pretty sure she'll be fine, but I'm just warning you in case anything does happen."

"Well, thank you for the warning, even if inviting her here was stupid without knowing if she's safe yet. Does everyone else know?"

"Everyone but Gilda, Freki, and Taya." As I said that, Freki rubbed against my leg, making me jump. "Where did you come from?"

"He was in here, Nav."

_God, that's creepy._ "Then everyone but Gilda and Taya knows. Taya was busy with her lessons when I got back and I didn't see Gilda."

"Well, you should tell Taya as soon as possible. If this Eva character is dangerous, I don't want Taya possibly getting her confused with Doppel." She snorted. "Especially if one of them is named Ganger. That will be an interesting pair."

"Huh. I didn't even think about that. Anyway, I should probably go wait for Taya to take a break so I can tell her. Freki, you coming with me?" He happily wagged his tail. I took that as a yes and said, "See you later, Cadance. Try not to drown."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she sighed as the puppy and I left.

Up the stairs we went. I pulled the door shut behind the puppy and then we went on outside. Taya and her instructor had moved on to something else, so I sat down to wait. The puppy ran off to the back wall, where a few trees were hanging over the edge. _Need to chop those down. Or burn them back. Might as well test the napalm mix I made._

I was zoned out when I felt a stick poking me. When I looked up, I saw Freki holding a long stick in his mouth, tail wagging. He dropped it when he noticed me looking. "Really?" He just kept staring. I shrugged, grabbed the stick, and threw it. He sprinted after it as I stood. "Never thought I'd play fetch with a dog made of wood. Equestria's a strange place."

"While we are doing nothing anyway, I've been thinking," Flo said. _Oh boy._ "It _is_ possible for me take over your body in some ways. Doing so without your willing permission is difficult and I couldn't do it for long, and honestly I rarely have any desire to. But… can I ever take over sometimes? Not to do much, nothing important. I just want to be free. I want to feel things again, things I can't feel in my body."

"You know I hate the idea of being helpless in my own body."

"You wouldn't be helpless. The instant you demanded control back, I would give it. If you don't want to do it, I understand."

"…Alright. Go for it. Take control now, if you want. I'm not doing anything important."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go for it. Just be ready to give control back when Taya has a break."

"Are you sure you don't want me to talk to her? She might be very upset when you tell her what you did."

"I won't use a scapegoat. It was my action and they were my words. I will take the fall and the hate for that. So by all means, take over now. But I'll take back over when it's time to talk to Taya."

"Very well. Close your eyes and relax." I did so, taking a nice deep breath. "Now open them." When I did, I found that I was in the glade, looking into a screen that showed what she was seeing through my eyes. She lifted her hands up to look at them, turning them over and flexing her fingers. "It's been so long… I can only stay in charge for so long at a time. I will try to make it worth it."

"By all means." I sat down in a nice armchair and leaned back. Flo played fetch with the dog with every sign of enjoyment._ Hell, if she wants to enjoy all the boring things like walking and playing fetch and being normal, I won't stop her._

I saw my eyes roll. "Don't expect to pawn everything off on me, Navarone. Or at least, not everything that's boring. And I would like to try sex eventually…"

"Well, we can use the stones and get Doppel to eat you out. Trust me, you'll enjoy it."

"I imagine. I'll think about it later. You know, I can't understand why you don't enjoy things like this. Look how happy he is!"

He certainly did look rather pleased with the world. "It's just not very fun to stand there and toss a stick around. I'd rather find something we can both enjoy, like killing."

"I'm not going to bore you with the whole spiel about how sacrifice is a part of every relationship." She knelt down and grabbed the dog on the sides of his head, rubbing back and forth. "Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?" He happily barked before pulling off and flopping on the ground and then onto his back. Flo chuckled and patted his belly.

"Daddy?" Taya asked.

Flo flinched, looking up. She said, "Hello, dear."

"Whoa now, this is my time!" I said. Flo blinked and I was thrust back into my body.

"I was just saying hello," Flo muttered.

"Why'd you go into the forest?" Taya asked.

"Remember the crazy person I mentioned finding?"

Her curious look immediately disappeared into a cold fury. "Why yes. I do remember that. And I also remember you saying you weren't considering going to see her."

"Yeah… About that… I did." Her expression said more than enough. I held my arms out for a hug, smiling. She turned away without a word. "Oh come on, I didn't even tell you the best part!"

"She's staying here, isn't she?"

"Wow, you're good." She whirled back around, eyes narrowing and horn lighting up. I snatched her into a hug before she could do or say anything. "Taya, trust me. I wouldn't have brought her here if I thought she was dangerous." I brushed at her hair, thankful that I took the time to remove my armor. "It'll be okay. Just avoid her if you don't trust her."

"It's not her I don't trust! You told me you weren't going in there for her."

"I said that I wasn't thinking about it. However, between Spike and Flo, I was convinced that Eva could be helped. I'm sorry, Taya. But to be fair, they were right: We _were_ able to help her."

She lifted her hooves up and pushed me off with way too much force. I fell back and saw that her hooves were lit up orange. She shook her head and said, "You said you would get better. You said you were going to try to be a better father. And yet the first thing you did was lie to me. Lie to me and then do something dangerous! How can you say you're getting better if you're just returning to your old habits?!"

"…You're right." My wings sagged when I realized what I had done. "I… It was instinctual, that lie. When you asked me, I was already thinking about going to help her. I just… I thought you would be mad if I told you I was going."

"I would have been. But I'm even angrier now. This is why lying isn't worth it, daddy!"

_If you never learned about it, you wouldn't be angry._ "I know."

"Then don't do it anymore!"

"I can't. I can't make that promise or take that risk. All I can say is that I'll try to get better. And now that you know about Flo, know that she'll be keeping tabs on me to make sure I try."

"You said that last time," Taya coldly answered.

"If you don't believe me now, there's nothing I can do to convince you. Just… I'll try."

"We'll see." She turned around and stalked back to her instructor.

I sighed and whispered, "That could have gone better." Freki whined and I patted him on the head. "She'll be alright. No promises about me, though."

"It certainly could have gone better, yes," Flo commented as I stood off the ground. "Eva should be out of the bath by now. You can introduce her to Cadance."

"Yeah… Come on, Freki. Let's introduce you to your new friend." He hurried to follow me as I walked to the house. When I opened the back door, I found Eva and Cadance sitting at the table, while the naga was next to the table, his arms crossed over his massive chest. Eva looked somewhat wet. "I see you met Cadance."

"Yep! She's really pretty, too."

"That's a word you could use. You two getting along?"

Cadance nodded. "She seems—"

Eva suddenly screeched and changed into a hummingbird, flying straight at me. She somehow got into my shirt and cuddled against me. In the time she took to do that, Cadance jumped up, kicking her chair back, the naga drew his massive sword, I had two knives in each hand, and the wolf was in some manner of fighting position.

And realizing that last one made me realize what the problem was. I dropped my two knives and brought a hand to my chest, cupping Eva's shaking form. "That's not a normal timber wolf, Eva," I whispered. "He won't attack you without a good reason." She made some chirping noises that I couldn't interpret. "I don't speak bird, so I'm going to assume you just called me a sexy beast. While I appreciate the compliment, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to not call me that."

She morphed back into her normal body, but still very small. "H-he's not dangerous?"

"He's a fucking wolf made of wood. Of course he's dangerous. But he won't attack you unless he has a reason to. Don't give him a reason to, and he's the sweetest little puppy you've ever seen."

"…I've never seen a puppy."

I held my other hand out. "Freki, come here." Since he was right next to me, he didn't have far to go. He put his head under my hand. "See there? Cute little puppy. Now please get out of my shirt; you didn't towel off enough and I can feel the water seeping down my chest."

"…You're warm."

I reached in there and plucked her out of my shirt, setting her on Freki's head. "There. Now please don't make that god awful screeching sound again. Especially not in a room full of veterans."

"Okay, Navi. Sorry for scaring you all…"

"It's okay. I suppose, given your history, that I should have warned you. Thankfully you didn't channel your inner Mirror."

Eva shivered at that. "No thank you." She flew off Freki and expanded in size again, back to normal. I grabbed my knives and stood back up to see that the naga had sheathed his sword and Cadance was back in her seat.

"Well, I need to go into town," I said. "Can I trust you two to help her get acclimated?"

"Poly wants to know if we can go," Eva said.

"Well, the changeling spy in Ponyville _is_ on my side… You could, though you'd probably be bored. And of course, you'd have to promise to behave."

"I can do that! I won't let you down, Navi."

"…Navi?" Cadance asked with a sly grin at me.

I shook my finger at her once. "No. Bad Cadance. Now let's go, Eva. You too, Freki. Sooner we get this wedding shit over with the better."

"Ooh, are you getting married?" Eva asked as we started to the front door.

"Nope."

"Who is?"

"Two friends of mine."

"What are their names?"

I sighed to myself. _This is going to be a long walk._

One long walk to town, a long day of wedding bullshit, and a long walk back later, I was rather tired. Not of Eva, no; she behaved surprisingly well. I was just tired. It had been a long day, after all.

When we were almost back, I said, "Alright, Eva, here's how it's gonna work. No offense, but Freki is going to watch over you during the night. Stay in your room until I come to let you out. Freki will ensure you do this. Understand?"

"Yep! Can I have a teddy bear?"

"I don't think we have any."

"Then can I sleep with you until I can get one?"

"No. We can get you one tomorrow. Tonight, you'll just have to make do. Your dreams will probably be very different now that your mind is unified, if that makes you feel better."

"…It doesn't. Also, I'm kinda… hungry. Mirror used to be our main source of food, but now…"

_How did we forget about that?_ "My mind is different from that of ponies and most other races here. You can feed off my memories rather than having the actual emotion present. What's your emotion of choice?"

"Love. That's what all four of us like."

I knelt down next to her and thought of something. "Go ahead. Take your fill."

"Are… are you sure? It won't drain you or anything?"

"It will, but not noticeably. Love isn't an emotion that I let influence my mind often, so removing some of it doesn't do much to me."

"Cool." Her horn lit up with its common sickly green color and she began to feed. A few seconds later, she sighed in satisfaction. "It's been soooo long…"

"I can imagine. Now let's go." I stood back up and kept walking. "I don't really know what you'll be doing around the house, come tomorrow. What are you good at?"

"Uh… I'm not really good at much of anything. Poly says Ganger can talk real good and Mimeo can do whatever you need done. But Mimeo's in charge tomorrow, apparently…"

"Eh. I can probably write out a list of things no one else does or likes doing and give that to you eventually."

"I can't read."

"…What?"

She shrugged. "Most changelings can't. Light is a luxury that no one can afford."

"Yeah, yeah. I've heard this before. Alright, first order of business is teaching you to read and write. I can probably get Cadance to do that, since all she does is sit around the house anyway."

"I… I get to learn how to read?"

"Yeah. You'll probably also get to learn basic math, if you want. Is that a problem?"

She tackled me in a hug that thankfully didn't really stop me from moving; changelings are very light, after all. "I always wanted an education! So did Ganger and Poly!"

"That's nice. Please let me go now." She was too busy talking about something stupid to hear me, so she just hitched a ride on the way home.

Eventually, though, she said, "So why can't you teach me?"

"If I have learned anything from Gilda's time here, it's that I am not a teacher. And speaking of Gilda, watch out for her. She's a griffin that's living in my house as well. I don't want you two to have a misunderstanding."

"Don't you worry, Navi. We'll be good if she's good. But why do you have so many people living here?"

"Doppel is the maid, Cadance is staying here because assassins are after her and she thought my house would be safe, the naga is here to teach me some things and to act as a guard, Gilda is here to learn some things, and Taya is my daughter."

"Taya? And what about Spike?"

"Spike doesn't live here. He's just a friend that comes by occasionally. And Taya is a filly that you haven't met yet."

"When can I meet her?"

"Whenever you make time to. You'll probably see her at dinner, unless you want to go to bed early. Or if you're like Doppel and don't want to watch us eat."

"Why doesn't she watch you?"

"She finds it awkward because she just sits there while we eat. Doesn't feel included, I guess. You're welcome at the table, or you can try to befriend Doppel while she does her thing."

"Ganger quite likes her pheromone scent, but Poly just thinks that's because she feeds off lust. But I always do like making new friends!"

"Have fun with that. Now can you get off me?"

"But you're so comfortable…"

"That's nice. Your body is hard and ungiving, not very comfortable at all. So off you get." She sighed and fluttered off me. That was good, because I really didn't want anyone in the house to see us like that and get the wrong idea. Since we were just going through the gate at the time, it was possible.

A few seconds after her little disappointment scene, she was back up and bouncing a little as she walked, humming a light tune. I knew I was in for a long… however long it took to acclimate her.


	85. Chapter Eighty-Three

**Chapter Eighty-Three**

That night, Luna came by yet again in my dreams. She did, of course, knock. "Are you finally ready to continue?" she asked when she was back inside, Flo safely secured in my clothing.

"Yes. Sorry for not being available the last few days. I've been feeling somewhat under the weather, but I believe I'm better now."

"It is quite alright. I've had plenty to keep me busy."

_Sure you have._ "Well, let's get started."

"I assume you still remember how to get out?"

"Yeah. Just gotta do it." She began walking around as I tried concentrating on getting out of my dream.

About five minutes after I started, she said, "It's strange. You always have the same dream every night. What is this place to you, Navarone?"

"Not helping me concentrate, Luna."

"It's just a simple question."

"Fine. It's a human thing. Let's leave it at that." Thankfully, that shut her up. Five more minutes later, I broke out. She joined me a second later. "So what are we doing first?"

"Entering and manipulating simple dreams. I don't want to risk your mind by entering a nightmare that you can't escape from easily."

"Very well. Whose dream will we enter?"

She looked around the dreamscape full of bright and shining colors. "Pick any one of them you desire."

"Can I enter the dream of a changeling?"

"No. Only the dreams of ponies."

I shrugged and thought of Twilight, turning my head until I felt something I recognized. I stepped that way and came to a white nonagon. Luna appeared next to me as I pulled the smoke aside, peeking in. Twilight was in a large park, three extremely tall poles with circles of various sizes up and down them. Twilight's horn was glowing as the circles moved around.

"Holy shit, she's doing a fuckmassive Tower of Hanoi in her dream."

"Impressive," Luna commented, also looking inside. "Now, when we get inside, we won't just be moving objects around. We are going to talk to Twilight and her reactions will change the dreamscape around us. Depending on how the conversation goes, the dream can either turn into a nightmare or a good dream. Or I suppose it could turn erotic."

When she said that, I decided what my goal of the night would be: Turning all three of those poles into dicks when Twilight wasn't looking. "Well, shall we?"

She pulled the hole in the fog open wider and jumped through. I did the same on my side, landing next to her in Twilight's dream. Flo cured the fog in my mind before I even registered that it was there. Since we were both behind Twilight, Luna took a moment to make sure I was myself before she approached purplesmart.

"An interesting dream, Twilight," Luna said. "I've never seen this game."

Twilight whirled around in surprise, the sky taking on a sickly yellow color. When she saw us, she gasped. "I…" She blinked a few times. "Wait. Are you the _real_ Princess Luna?"

"Very astute." While Twilight was facing us, I changed the poles into penises and Luna's breath caught. She giggled slightly and continued, "I am teaching Nav how to traverse dreams."

"Can I learn too?!"

Luna shook her head. "I'm afraid not. You aren't attuned to the artifact. And you aren't my student anyway. Hmm… Navarone, remind me that I need to find a student."

"I reckon I can do that. Twilight, what's up with the weird fucking dream?"

"Weird? I think it would be stranger to have what might be called a 'normal' dream. I'm sure mine is probably tame compared to some of what you've seen."

"It would be, if not for the giant penises."

"…Giant what?" Luna and I smirked and I nodded behind Twilight at the poles. Her ears immediately drooped as her head slowly moved up to the top of the poles. When she saw that one of the heads was dripping slightly, the sky immediately turned black.

Luna and I looked around and she idly commented, "Well Nav, you made a nightmare."

"What?" My question was answered for me when the scene shifted from a park to a classroom, with a completely shaved filly Twilight standing at the front of the class, huddling down on the floor as all the other ponies laughed at her. "What the fuck?"

"Dreams are random, Nav. Twilight obviously has insecurity issues. When she saw the poles, she expected me to be disappointed since I am her teacher's sister. And this is proof of how easy it is to lose control in a dream."

"Huh. Well that sucks. Time to go?"

She shook her head. "You did this, Nav. You fix it."

"Alright… How?"

"Do what comes naturally."

"Comfort her," Flo whispered.

I walked over to Twilight, summoning a blanket on the way. When I got to her, I knelt down in front of her and pulled the blanket around her. She looked up at me with tear-filled eyes and I pulled her into a hug. "They can't hurt you, Twilight. Remember, staves and stones may crack your bones, but words will never hurt you." She pulled back, looking at me in confusion. "Also, it's a dream." I snapped my fingers and we teleported back to the large field, minus the three penises. Or maybe the large field just appeared around us. I don't really know.

Either way, I released filly Twilight and stood up. "…N-Navarone?" she asked, slowly growing in size.

"Yep. God, you look hilarious." She looked back at herself and found that she was still completely shaved. A massive blush covered her face and we reappeared in the classroom, with her back as a filly.

Luna sighed. "Navarone, you are terrible at this."

"Yeah, but it's also really funny."

"While that is true, this is one of my subjects. We shouldn't be tormenting her. I will take care of this."

"Aww…" Luna brushed past me, walking to Twilight. When she stopped next to her, Twilight's fur slowly grew back while she expanded in size.

"Professor Twilight, your class awaits you," Luna announced when Twilight was back to her normal size.

Twilight blinked from her position on the floor, looking up and around her. "…Yes! My students." She hopped up and walked over to her desk. "Today's lesson is on simple elemental magic. Princess, will you and your knight be joining us today?"

"I'm afraid not, Twilight," Luna answered. "We have business elsewhere. Come, Navarone." Her horn lit up and we appeared back in the field, Twilight left behind. "There. Look up."

I did and found that the sky was a brilliant blue color, much nicer than the black it had been. "My solution was funnier."

"And it led to a nightmare. Is that truly what you want to do to your friends?"

"So they have a bad night of sleep. I don't plan on making a habit out of it. Remember, I only plan on doing this when I get bored."

Her eyes narrowed. "Then why should I continue teaching you at all? If all you are going to do is increase my workload of easing night terrors, why shouldn't I just ban you from the realm of dreams entirely?"

"Because where would be the fun in that? You can't tell me that you've never wanted to chase someone through the realm of dreams before."

"I have, yes, but not at the risk of my subjects."

_Flo, think you can do everything she taught me?_

"Yes, but there might be more that she knows that we need to know. I would not abandon her yet. There is, after all, only one person on the planet that can teach you this."

_Fuck._ "Whatever. What's next?"

"…Navarone, are you okay?"

"Yeah? I told you that I was feeling better. Probably just a tremor or something from whatever Blueblood did. We moving on or what?"

"Very well. Escape this dream." She stepped out of it without waiting for me, this time.

_Flo, how quickly could you get us out of here?_

"Instantly, of course. The plus side to not being alive is having an intense focus. However, would that not be cheating?"

_Because I care._

"You're doing better, Nav. This should be something that you master on your own. Luna has thousands of years of experience. Of course she's going to be better at it."

I stopped responding and went to focusing on getting out of here. I don't know why I needed to know how to do it perfectly if Flo could do it for me—and could read my thoughts as I had them so she could get me out as soon as I wanted—but whatever.

It took me eight minutes, that time. Luna was outside, waiting on me. "You're getting better. I remember blundering my way through this. It took me days to figure out how to get out of dreams."

"That's nice. What's next?"

She rolled her eyes. "Do your achievements mean nothing to you, Nav? Do you truly care so little for improvements? It took you hours the first night! To be getting in and out in mere minutes in comparison is an outstanding achievement! Why are you not proud?"

"Because it's not instant. I won't be happy with how far I've come until I've gone the whole way. Now, what's next?"

"No wonder you're always so depressed…" I narrowed my eyes and she sighed. "Very well, if you are going to be like that. Now we'll find a different dream to practice on."

I shrugged and looked for Cadance's dream. I found its golden hue a few seconds later. When I poked my head in, I saw something that I was not at all expecting: Cadance using binoculars to watch me and Fluttershy innocently kiss.

I slowly pulled away from the dream. "Let's find a different one."

"I think not," Luna said, still looking into the dream next to us. "It would be good for you to learn how to deal with having a dream entity that's already in place. This dream seems safe enough to learn that skill in."

I shrugged. "Alright." Before she could say anything else, I pulled myself through. Everything went dark as I felt an intense feeling of… something _right_ and warm and various other adjectives as I gently kissed Fluttershy. _God, I don't _want_ to become lucid…_

"Too bad," Flo whispered. "Wake up, Nav. You need to learn." In response, I reached around the back of Fluttershy's head and leaned further into the kiss, turning it from 'innocent' into a full on make-out session. Fluttershy made some kind of noise as the kissing intensified.

After a few seconds, I pulled away with a loud smack. "Love ya, toots," I said before concentrating and making her disappear. Before Cadance could do anything, I teleported behind her. "Boo."

Then the dream exploded in color around me, blinding me. After a second, I exploded backwards out of the dream and got thrown into the dreamscape. Before I could catch myself, I landed in a nearby dream, going completely through the oily black smoke.

I finally caught myself on a white wall, slamming into it and slowly sliding down. I felt a crushing sorrow for a few seconds before Flo forced sentience into my mind. When I looked around, I found that I was in a hospital room. Big Mac was lying on a bed. There was no one else in the room.

He grunted when I stood up and he noticed me. "Go 'way," he muttered.

"I'm not going anywhere," I answered, walking over to the bed. "What are you doing in bed? Doesn't Applejack need your help?"

He glared at me. "Don't you mock me! You know I can't move!"

_Oh, that makes sense._ I snorted. "You can't or you won't? Lazy bum like you, I bet you did this on purpose so you could avoid work."

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"I called you a lazy bum. Lying in bed and making your sisters do all the work. No wonder they're not visiting. If you were in my family, I'd disown you, too."

"Stop. Talking."

"Make me. Get out of that bed and prove me wrong. I _dare_ you."

He roared and forced his body to work, escaping the confines of his nightmare through sheer rage. I held up a hand, holding him in place as I moved us to the orchard. Before I released him, I teleported several hundred yards away, into a tree. When he was finally free, his rage immediately dissipated. After a moment of confusion, he shrugged and went to the nearest tree. A cart and some buckets appeared out of nowhere as he started to work.

Flo whispered, "Effective, though crude."

_Yeah, well. You have any idea what happened?_

"If I had to guess, you shocked Cadance so much that she woke up. I suggest that you don't do something like that again."

"Hey, at least I didn't shoot Fluttershy in the face like I was planning. I was kind enough and just made her disappear."

"Quiet! Luna is probably watching. Now get us out of here; it looks like our job is done."

_Still say you should just do this part for me…_ She didn't answer, presumably not wanting to waste her time by disputing it. Eight minutes later, we were out of the dream.

"Well, that was somewhat unexpected," Luna said from her position next to me. "It has been a long time since I accidentally made somepony wake up. Well, now you know what happens when you do."

"Is there any way to control the flight?"

"React in time and catch yourself before you hit another dream. It was a complete surprise to you, so I understand why you didn't react in time. Just be more careful next time. At least you did much better in this fellow's dream. Do you know him?"

"Yeah. Big Mac. Acquaintance of mine."

"The 'Big' definitely applies. It is good that you reacted when you did. If you hadn't, you would have learned first hoof what happens when you die in a dream."

"So what happens when you die in a dream?"

"The same thing that happens when the dreamer wakes up, though it involves a lot more personal pain. It can even be enough to drive you to a waking state."

"So… what else is there to really teach me?"

"Honestly, very little. You seemed to pick up on the powers you have very quickly. You just need to continue practicing exiting dreams. I could teach you personal exercises that would aid you in falling asleep, but I don't know if you could use those with your body as it is. Let me think…" Her eyes seemed to glaze for a second before she gasped. "Vagrants! You probably won't run into one, but on the off chance you do, it's extremely important that you know what they are and how to deal with them. Very, very rarely, you will run into somepony in a dream that's also sentient and fully aware. And when that happens, they _know_ who you are and that you are also a dreamwalker. They know, and they hate you for it. I don't know what causes them or if they're actual dreamwalkers or something else, but they blend into the dream almost perfectly. If you look into the dream from the outside, you can tell who they are by their faint red glow. But once you get into the dream, you can't tell."

"I don't really see what the problem is. So they kill you and knock you out of the dream. Big deal."

She shook her head. "If it was that simple, yes, it wouldn't be a problem. I would warn you of them and leave it be. Vagrants are menaces, but sadly menaces that we can't touch. If you see one, leave the dream alone. Just close the hole you used to look inside and turn the other way. Trying to fight them risks having your own mind and dreams invaded, and they get complete control. They don't want to kill, Nav. They want to _hurt_. Avoid them if you can. If you run into one without realizing it, leave the dream as soon as possible. I've never had one follow me."

I shrugged. "Alright. I'm not in a hurry to get in a fight with a malevolent monster. You find one and you want to try fighting it, let me know and I'll help you out. Maybe between the two of us we can destroy one of them."

"Maybe. I don't think I will risk it. As far as I can tell, they are harmless until you attempt to enter the dream they're hiding in."

"I don't suppose you've ever found one that wasn't violent?"

"No, I haven't. They all turned on me as soon as I entered, before I could even make contact with one of them."

"Meh. I'll leave them be, then. Lord knows that I don't need any more enemies. So what's next on the agenda?"

"For me, work. For you, continue exploring dreams for another hour or two, practicing exiting them. Or use your own dreams and practice in your mind. Just practice leaving dreams. That's all you seem to lack, now."

"Hey, can I get into Celestia's dream?"

"You'll have to either ask permission or fight your way inside. That would also be good practice for you. Just be wary of her dreams; occasionally when I enter or ask to enter, she plays games."

"…What kind of games?"

Luna smirked. "Oh, you'll find out. Nothing dangerous, I assure you. Now, I need to go. Have fun and be careful."

"I'll try. Don't forget to get a student."

She nodded. "I'll start looking tomorrow, when everypony is awake. See you later, Nav." I nodded and after a second of waiting for some kind of response, she sighed and disappeared.

"Alright, who should we fuck with first?"

"Check on Taya's dream. If she's having a nightmare, we help her first. If not, I say we visit some of your friends' dreams, like Rainbow Dash or Pinkie."

"Hell no. I'm not stepping anywhere _near_ Pinkie's dreams. I don't care what they're about or if she's having a nightmare or what. Rainbow Dash, sure. Pinkie, no chance in hell."

"…That's probably a good idea."

I looked around for a second to find Taya's dream. It was white, so I didn't bother with it. I shrugged and found Dash's instead. It was red, a sensual dream. "Well, should we invade her privacy?" I was already stepping that way.

"You really shouldn't," Flo sighed.

I already had my head poked in at that point. _That's exactly what I was expecting._ "Think they'd mind if I joined them?"

"Navarone, you are supposed to be practicing escaping from dreams. If you go down there, you won't want to escape."

I sighed, nodding. "Alright… Although to be fair, I didn't really want to escape Cadance's dream, either. Wanna go mess with Celestia, then?"

"Might as well. Just be sure to ask permission to enter, first."

"I'm not stupid." I found Celestia's white dream in the masses and stepped toward it, appearing next to it instantly. "Huh. Does it seem… darker up close?"

"It does. Luna mentioned that her dream was protected. Maybe that's what she meant by that."

I shrugged and dipped my finger into the dream, feeling resistance. Instead of attempting to open a hole, I just started writing words into it. "Sup, honey buns? You want some company from your favorite hominid?"

Flo sighed. "This can't end well…"

A minute or two of sitting around the dreamscape later, the sign in Celestia's dream changed. "Cum on in."

"…Think she misspelled that on purpose?" I mused aloud.

"Ugh…"

I grinned and tried opening a hole in the dream. I couldn't get in that way, so I tried punching it. My hand went right through, leaving the rest of me outside. Before I could pull my hand out to try with the rest of my body, I felt something pulling me inside. My eyes widened in surprise as my entire body was forced into the dream.

"Well, well, well… It looks like the piece has found its way to the game." I looked around in the dark room, trying to figure out where I was. My face paled as I found that I was standing on a massive chessboard with a full opposing army facing me. I had nothing on my side. "I'm quite disappointed you took so long to show us this game, Nav. I quite enjoy it. Tell me, how good are you?"

"Not very. And I think I'll pass on playing, thank you."

"Oh, but you've come so far, just to visit me! Shouldn't you have a little fun before you leave?"

"Not playing doesn't mean I have to leave. I wouldn't mind… talking."

"We can talk while we play." I saw a huge white hoof descend from the shadows, moving a knight ahead. "Your move."

"It's hardly fair to have twenty against one."

"Nothing is stopping you from introducing a few more players on your side."

I used my dream abilities to pull out a high powered sniper rifle. After a second of aiming, I pulled the trigger. A bullet shot directly at the king, but it seems my move was anticipated because a pawn jumped up to intercept the bullet.

"I don't think _that_ is a legal move," she idly commented as the pawn disappeared.

I casually pulled the bolt back on the rifle, loading another round. "I never was one for playing by the rules."

"Well…" With a wave of her hoof, all the remaining pawns got bows. One of them pulled out an arrow, aimed for a moment, and shot it dead at me. It thudded into the shield I spawned.

I dropped the shield and the rifle, summoning up a new toy. "I hope you like Russian engineering." I'll admit: I never fired an RPG before. That said, I think my first time did a pretty good job eradicating the king. "I do believe that's checkmate."

"My oh my, your human toys are certainly powerful." The RPG had a chance to hit the ground with a thud before it disappeared and she continued, "It certainly makes this game rather boring. But… In your world, I don't think the fight would end when the king fell."

My relatively relaxed state disappeared when _all_ of the pawns drew back their bows. Acting quickly, I summoned the power armor and smirked as all of the arrows bounced off. With but a thought, a massive bolter machine gun appeared in my hands and began mowing down the rows of enemies. "Unoriginal, but efficient. Does that mean I win?"

"You may have defeated the tools, but you have yet to beat the master." Celestia appeared on the board in front of me at the same time as my power armor and my weapon disappeared—not my doing, of course. "Come, show me what you learned!"

"I would really rather not fight," I said, holding up a sword that appeared at my side. "You know that combat isn't my forte."

She began circling around me. I sighed and started circling as well. "You are a knight, Navarone. You should know how to fight."

"Oh, I do know how to fight. But I don't know how to fight against someone that's been training for several thousand years in some martial arts."

"Well, we can make it interesting. The loser does whatever the winner commands."

"Not interested. How about we just don't fight? If you really want your peace, I can just go."

"Oh, I don't mind spending time with you. I quite enjoy it, in fact. But enough talk… Have at you!" She used my nostalgic flashback against me, rushing me. Given that I wasn't weighted down by armor, I easily dodged out of the way.

"This fight is very unrealistic, you know. I'd be using a ranged weapon in real life."

"Then it's no fun!"

"It's hardly fun in the first place."

"Then hurry up and lose so we can get on to what you'll consider to be the fun part." She charged again. Instead of dodging, I jumped into the air and spun. When she got under me, I dropped and landed on her back.

"You know, I had a feeling this night would end with me riding y—Oh God!" She reared back and I grabbed onto her neck. Too late did I realize that she wasn't just rearing back to dislodge me. She was going all the way back to fucking crush me. I tried letting go and jumping off, but her front legs held my arms in place, preventing me from moving.

So it was that Celestia ended on top of my very pained form. "Who's riding whom?" she chuckled.

"Please kill me," I whispered, barely able to get anything else out.

"Oh, stop being such a baby. It's just a dream!" She pulled herself off me and stood. With a grin, she grabbed one of my hands and pulled me up, taking a deep breath and mashing my face into hers. When our mouths met, she forced air into my body and popped all of my flat or dinged body parts back into place. "There, good as new! Now, what brings you by?"

"I just wanted to say hi. I… I think I'll be going, now."

"Oh come now, surely you have plenty of time to spare for your favorite princess!"

"Yes, and I'd be willing to give Cadance all the time she needs. But now that I've said hi, I'll just go." _Flo, please get me out of here._

Celestia sighed. "You're such a sore loser." That was all she had time for before Flo got me the hell out of there.

"So yeah," I said, nodding, "I'm not hitting her dreams up anymore. Fuck that noise."

"You can't deny that it was interesting."

"Interesting isn't the same as fun or enjoyable. I think I'm done dreamwalking for tonight. I'll just practice entering and exiting my own dream. Maybe I can get out of one instantly tonight."

"Very well. Though it would seem more prudent to hunt out nightmares to help Luna."

"Meh. Now, let's get started…"

"What do you mean, you can't teach her?"

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Navarone, this may surprise you, but being a princess isn't all smiles and giggles. I've been doing work off and on since I got here. Between helping around the house as I can, being a mother with no nanny or father around, and the occasional work I have to do, I have little time for anything else. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't teach your new changeling how to read." She looked askance at Mimeo. "Especially not one that apparently has _four_ personalities living in his—or her—head."

"It seemed like a worthless skill to learn anyway," Mimeo replied. "Words words words. It is better to do." He sighed and added, "Though all the others disagree."

"See Nav, that is creepy," Cadance said. "All living in there, sure. Talking to each other while also dealing with everypony else?" She shivered. "No thanks. And I just know it would get distracting."

"It doesn't if there is respect," Mimeo said. "Respect and cooperation make this arrangement work."

Cadance just shook her head. "Whatever. I think I'll be fine being alone up here. Anyway, I'm sorry that I can't help, Nav. Maybe you can try asking the local teacher?"

Mimeo narrowed his eyes at that. "Learning is one thing. Going to a school full of foals? The others may go. I refuse."

"You wouldn't be going. She'd be coming here, or maybe sending a tutor," I answered. "And it would probably only be every other day, so whoever comes to teach you doesn't ask why you keep changing gender. It's one thing for everyone here to know. It's another thing for this news to get around. I don't think you'd be happy with a kid teaching you, so it'll probably be Eva and Poly. That acceptable for you guys?"

After a second of deliberation, he nodded. "This is agreeable. What will we be doing when we aren't learning?"

"Hm. I don't suppose you're one of the changelings that can use magic?"

In response, his horn lit up a dull green. "We have a small aptitude for it."

_Well, that's unexpected._ "I thought the hives held onto all their mages very dearly."

"They do. It was not with ease that we escaped. I take it we are to learn magic as well?"

"No offense, but I don't trust you that well yet. Let's see… How good are you at spying?"

"Never done it."

"Let's walk. I'll see you later, Cadance."

She sighed. "Nav, what are you planning?"

With an innocent smile, I replied, "Why, nothing. What ever makes you think I would plot something?"

"I never said _plot_," she flatly said.

"See you later!" She just shook her head as I dragged Mimeo out. "Alright, our first stop is the schoolhouse," I said as we walked out of my fortress. "Gotta talk to Cheerilee. After that, we'll visit a friend of mine that Eva met yesterday. She's in the middle of wedding shit right now, so she can't exactly teach you how to spy and whatnot, but she can give you some pointers to get you started. What she can't teach you, Doppel can fill in. Between the two of them I'm sure we can get you set up right proper."

"I believe I can manage. I question the competence of one of my other selves, however."

"Take it up with her, then. You and Ganger can learn how to be spies from Bon-Bon and Doppel. Eva and Poly can learn math and how to read. After some time, you can all learn magic, though I don't know anyone offhand that would know the changeling's style of it."

"We already know some. All changelings that show any manner of magical aptitude are put into a special program. Evo didn't want to stick around very long after we got put into it, though."

"Damn shame."

"We left one step ahead of the execution squad that was coming to our hovel. Evo survived because his parents kept him hidden. That was no longer possible when our magic was discovered."

"Still, would have been useful if you knew the changeling way of magic. It's supposedly much less complex and difficult to do things with."

"It is, according to the teacher we barely had time to get to know. However, he didn't think we had much aptitude, which is why we weren't as closely watched."

"I always figured magic was something you built up like a muscle. Is it not?"

"I don't know. We weren't there long enough to learn."

Unfortunately, I knew what that meant. _Looks like we're going to visit Twilight._ If nothing else, she'd be able to tell us if she could teach them or if anyone else could. I was certainly hoping so, even if it wouldn't be for a while. "So when you do start learning magic, what do you care to learn?"

"Anything I can find useful," he answered. "Poly apparently wants navigation magic, if there even is such a thing. Ganger wants charms. Eva wants to learn to heal."

"Figures. If Ganger does learn any charms, he's to only use them when he's in danger. I do not want to hear any cases of fucking date rape going on."

Mimeo smirked. "He doesn't like what you're implicating."

"Hey, I'm not taking chances. It would be inconvenient if you got arrested for rape."

"Not that. He doesn't like that you think he _needs_ the charms to get laid."

"I would suggest a competition, but I'm not going to do that to the poor mares of Ponyville."

"I'm not going to repeat what he said."

"Good. You're not a messenger, after all; you don't have to tell everyone everything they say. In fact, I advise against it, especially if we're around people that don't know. The people in my house are… different, and are used to things most ponies aren't. Tell them you have four people living in your head, they'll understand. Tell it to anyone else, and you might have problems."

"I will remember that, Navarone." After a minute of walking in silence, he sighed. "Poly demands I ask you about what else we should avoid when dealing with the ponies."

"They're very jumpy and wary of new things. Luckily for you, you aren't the first changeling they've had to deal with in recent times. Just don't ruin it for the other two by fucking up."

"I have no desire to be removed from another home. The Everfree Forest was not fun for any of us and I fear that we would not last long without fragmenting further in that place. And prison would also not be fun."

"Just remember that. And this here's the schoolhouse. It'll be lunchtime soon, so all the kids will be leaving to eat. We can talk to Cheerilee then."

"And Cheerilee is the teacher?"

"Yup. She probably won't be the one to teach you, though."

"But it would be a smart idea to make an impression, so she won't send someone that isn't smart."

"Yeah. Speaking of which, would you mind changing your gender or something so your voice sounds female? It would give her a more accurate impression of who to send."

"Such issues matter little to me," he said in a female voice. "Male, female, I don't really care."

"But you identify most with male?"

"I suppose. It seems more… proper. Still, I do not mind the opposite."

I shrugged just as a bell in the school rang and a flood of foals began streaming from the building. Most of them didn't go too far and a few stopped when they saw me. When the torrent of kids was out of the way, I led my faithful changeling companion to the inside of the schoolhouse.

"Last time I was in this place was much more interesting," I idly commented as I stepped inside.

"How can I help you, Navarone?" Cheerilee pleasantly asked.

"Eva wants to learn to read and to do some simple math. No one at my house has the time or cares enough to teach her. Can you do it or send a tutor by to do it?"

She grinned widely. "I'd be happy to send somepony by. I would, but I have little enough time to myself to do it and it's nice to let somepony else experience the joys of teaching. When do you want to start?" she asked Mimeo.

"Tomorrow," he or she answered.

Cheerilee nodded. "I'll send somepony by after school, then." She looked up to me. "Do you have any particular preference for whom to send?"

I shrugged. "Don't really care. I can pay them if I need to. Just give me a fair price since I don't really know how tutors work. I guess they do need to be able to deal with a naga and a timber wolf. They're both mostly harmless, but I don't want whoever you send to freak out over them."

"Oh, a bit a day will be plenty fair. I know you don't really have to worry about that. And I can find somepony that isn't too jumpy."

"Good. Can the tutor come by every other day?"

"When learning to read and learning basic math, it's best to work until the basics are learned, and then you can go into things like every other day."

I shook my head. "That wasn't really a question, I'm afraid. It needs to be every other day. I'm sorry, but that's how it is."

She sighed. "Very well. I'm sure you have your reasons. I'll send the tutor by every other day."

"Cool. I'll see you later, Cheerilee."

"Of course. Before you go, though, when were you last in here? I don't remember you ever stopping by the actual schoolhouse."

My mind shot back to the first time I had sex with the other Gilda. "It's been a little while and I don't think you were around. Not really important."

She shrugged. "Alright. See you, Nav. And it was nice meeting you, Eva." Mimeo only nodded, since he's one of those assholes.

When we got back on the road into town and Mimeo changed back into a dude, he commented, "For some reason, I have a bad feeling about this tutor business."

"What's the worst that could—Oh God dammit!" I completely forgot about Twist and what she did. I almost turned back around to tell Cheerilee not to send Twist or anyone else that had a crush on me, but I stopped myself. "She probably won't send anyone too bad. The one problematic one didn't seem like the type that would be brave enough to deal with a naga."

"So you say. We'll see. I am only thankful that I don't have to deal with whoever it is."

When am I ever going to learn my lesson?

I opened the door the next day to find Diamond Tiara standing there. That was quite surprising and my first reaction was, "Does your dad need something?" I asked.

The smiling look on her face turned snooty for all of a second before she smoothed it back over, answering, "I'm the tutor!"

"…Alright. Come on in." _Cheerilee knows what she's doing, I'm sure._ I let her in, closing the door behind her. "This here's Eva," I said, nodding at the changeling sitting in the living room. "Eva, this is Diamond Tiara, the one that'll be teaching you to read and do math. Also, that freaky wolf thing is Freki." The puppy looked up at that, wagging his tail. "Don't you worry about him." Diamond Tiara didn't seem that fazed by him. "Eva, you know where the study is. That'll probably be the most peaceful place to learn. Diamond Tiara, you need anything, just ask her. Eva, she needs anything you can't help with, find Doppel."

Poly hopped off the couch. "You got it, Nav. Come on."

"You aren't coming with us?" Diamond Tiara asked.

"I already know how to read. No reason for me to learn again. I got things to do, sadly." I mean, if I was going to sit there watching her learn, I wouldn't even bother with the damn tutor.

"Oh…" I turned to go again, but she stopped me with, "Did you like your gift?"

"…That was from you?" I hesitantly asked.

She nodded, smiling. "I bought the candy from Bon-Bon for you."

_Oh boy._ "It was good, thank you." With the way she was beaming, I think I might have made a mistake. "Anyway, I need to go. Have fun." I quickly made myself scarce, not wanting to be around for whatever kind of reply Diamond Tiara might have had. When I was upstairs and safely in my room, I began strapping on my armor. "What do you think, Flo? Should I tell her dad or not?"

"Morally, yes. However… you ate every last piece of that candy, knowing what it was tainted with. How would you explain that to him? I suggest against telling him. We know Diamond Tiara is smart, even if she's cruel. Surely she'll pick up on some hints that you aren't at all interested in a filly."

"I hope so. It would be very inconvenient if she tried pushing the issue, especially now that she's in my house and has a chance to find blackmail material."

"Navarone, you are a very careful and meticulous person. There is nothing here that can be used to blackmail you… yet. Make sure she teaches Eva and Poly quickly so she will have less time here."

"Yeah. But for now, I need to go get wrecked by the naga. So much to do, so little time to do it in…"

The next day, a somewhat welcome surprise occurred. "I've learned enough, I think," Gilda said as she packed her only bag. "And to be honest, it's beginning to feel way too crowded here."

"Understandable. Thank you for tolerating them for so long; I might have had problems dealing with two of my worst enemies living under the same roof."

"And you're not a princess. It was annoying, but I'm used to annoyances. And I do believe it was worth it, if I am able to recreate even one of the devices I learned from your laptop. You know that I would pay dearly to possess it, right?"

"I know. If I had a spare, I'd let you take it. After clearing it of all details about weapons, of course."

She rolled her eyes. "I don't see what the big deal is. Changelings and ponies have _magic_. I believe any weapons you could give us would only even the field, not tip it."

"So you'd think. It takes a unicorn to use magic. Anyone can use a gun."

"Whatever. It's not like we have a war planned on the horizon anyway. Again, I don't see what you're so worried about."

"Hey, I put several minutes into worrying about a war between the griffins and the changelings. I even drafted up a nice little treaty thing so it wouldn't happen."

"And peace is going reasonably well, all things told," she sighed. "I never would have believed it."

"It helps that you never really gave it a chance. I mean, how long have you two been in open conflict?"

She shrugged. "Longer than I've been alive. We used to put them down as we found them. Things go a little differently now."

"I'm sure. Well, you're always welcome back here if you need anything else. I'm sure your father will be happy to send you by."

"And he'll probably be disappointed I'm leaving without a ring on one of my talons. At least you weren't as interested as the last several suitors he's tried to get me to marry."

"Eh. Marriage ain't my style. You ready to go?"

"I think so." She took one last look around her room before nodding. "I got everything I want. I suppose this is it, then."

"Until I come to collect my infiltration team, at least. I suppose I'll see you then, if not sooner."

"Yup. Maybe by the time we meet again, I'll have a few working engines."

"Good luck with that." Truth be told, it was nice to see her leave. For one, she was kind of a bitch. For another, I used up a lot of time running through the plans with her, time I could be putting to a better use.

Shame I never got to tap dat ass, though…

The day of the unofficial and actual wedding was pretty wet and rainy, actually. Lyra and Bon-Bon didn't invite anyone and we just did it in their house. Given the location and the lack of guests, no one really dressed up. "Do you, Bon-Bon, take Lyra as your wife, with all the responsibilities that entails?"

"I do," she answered with no hesitation.

"And do you, Lyra, take Bon-Bon as your wife, with all the responsibilities that entails?"

"I do," Lyra answered, a small quiver in her voice.

"Does anypony in the crowd have any reason that these two should not be wed?" There were no answers, which probably had something to do with there being no crowd. "Then under the stars and the moon, I, as a knight of Princess Luna, declare you two lawfully wed." _I really love Luna's wedding ceremony._ "You may now kiss." It was supposed to be 'you may now kiss the bride,' but I figured that would be a bit ambiguous given the situation.

And of course, they didn't seem to mind. The kiss started relatively pure, but as the realization that they were married against the odds kicked in, passion began leaking into it. When one of Lyra's hooves went behind Bonnie's head, I decided to excuse myself with a murmured farewell. I didn't really want to interrupt, after all.

Upon insistence from Celestia and probably fucking Cadance, Luna sent me a much less abridged version of the script for the big wedding that Celestia did, in fact, set up for the couple. I knew that I could still finish the wedding up in about ten minutes, though.

Unfortunately, there wasn't really anywhere fancy or formal enough for Celestia's tastes in Ponyville proper. Sure, normally she wouldn't care, but this was a big event. Apparently the news got out about it and a ton of people wanted in on it. Reporters, dignitaries, and a few other important people that I didn't really care about. So in the end, the wedding was moved to Canterlot, in the actual fucking palace. Not the same place that Shiny and Cadance got, though.

Personally, I didn't fucking care where it was. As long as I could marry them, grab a bunch of free food, and then leave without getting bugged too much, I'd be happy to do the ceremony anywhere.

So there I was in a little back room, waiting with Bon-Bon for the damn wedding to start. It was decided somewhere that she would be the 'man' of the wedding, taking the place of the groom. "So why are you in your disguise?" I asked, trying to pass the time.

"After so many years, I just… feel better as a pony. And Rarity made this outfit to match me, not a changeling." It did a very good job at that, too: The main body of the dress was a deep blue, with pink hemming on the bottom and a pink saddle-like piece on her back. She also had a purple set of shoes with a single blue stone attached to the middle of each.

"There are gonna be people out there that'll feel disappointed to not see you as a changeling."

"And this is _my_ wedding. Or rather, me and Lyra's wedding. They are merely uninvited guests."

"I'm very happy you feel that way. Just remember that Chrysalis is still your queen."

"No she's not. After so long expatriated from the changeling hives, I don't really feel any desire to go back. Princess Celestia very happily accepted my appeal for official citizenship in Equestria."

"Well now, that's certainly interesting. How did Chrysalis take that?"

"I don't think she knows just yet. Honestly, I doubt she'll care. I'm just one changeling."

"You are, yes. But I've heard tales of other changelings defecting as well. I know for sure that there's one in the night guard. Doppel decided that being around me is better than being around her, too. That's three in my experience alone. How many others might there be?"

"I don't know and I don't care. It's not my problem anymore."

"That's a nice atti—You hear that?" The music started, making her jump. "That's our cue." I pushed the door to the main room open and walked through, letting Bon-Bon enter behind me. We walked to the center of the stage together, where we stopped to wait for Lyra. _I bet you'd never believe it, Flo, but I used to get stage fright._

"I know," she answered. "I imagine you probably grew out of that the first time someone tried hitting you with a sword."

_Your priorities do change a lot, yeah. Hey, weddings are boring and you know the lines anyway. You want to take control?_

"I can do that. Just relax and let me out." I did as she said. Soon enough, I found myself back in her glade, reclining in an armchair and watching the scene through a big screen.

That gave me ample time to watch Lyra slowly walk down the aisle, a few flower fillies throwing down petals ahead of her. Of course, she didn't have a veil, but her dress was still mostly a pure white with a minty green hemming and a saddle-type thing held on by thin golden straps. Her long hair was held up by a pin in the shape of her lyre cutie mark.

I could see Chrysalis, Cadance, Celestia, and Luna in the crowd, sitting next to each other near the back. Cadance was as far as she could get from Chrysalis, of course. Twilight was also back there, wedged in between Cadance and Celestia. The rest of the rows were taken up by Lyra's family and news reporters, all of whom seemed rather bored that there were no changelings but Chrysalis openly present.

When Lyra finally got to her position, Flo began reciting the script. Now, as I'm sure we all know, weddings are boring as fuck unless you're the one getting married. I won't bother writing down all of what was said. I'll say that instead of rings, Lyra got a necklace with Bonnie's cutie mark and Bonnie got a set of earrings with Lyra's ass tattoo.

"If anypony has a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace." I was waiting for that line, because I knew that Equestria is a cartoony kinda place and that something big would happen when that line was spouted out.

Sure enough, I wasn't disappointed. Not two seconds after Flo said that, someone kicked the doors in. A large white unicorn stallion walked in dramatically, yelling, "NOT SO FAST!" This exclamation was followed by a number of surprised gasps.

_Oh boy. _"Give me control back," I sighed. In an instant, I was back in my body. "By what right do you interrupt this lawful matrimony?" I demanded.

"No innocent mare should marry a monster!"

"Oh? And who is the monster here?"

Now that one stumped him. "Uh…" He looked back and forth between Bon-Bon's shocked face and Lyra's very angry face before pointing at Lyra. "Her!"

"Wrong," I answered, crossing my arms. "That would be _you_. Celestia, would you kindly remove him and teach him some manners?"

His white face paled as he cast a hurried gaze over the crowd. When he saw all three of the princesses glaring at him, his mouth dropped. "Not again!" he finally groaned. He sprinted away without another word, leaving the door wide open.

_Who the fuck was that?_

"The monster hunter Pelt," Flo answered. "You've met him before."

_Whatever_. "Given the lack of serious opposition, I, as a knight of Princess Luna, declare you two lawfully wed. You may now kiss the bride." Despite the sudden interruption, they both leaned in for it. Bon-Bon was actually crying as they nuzzled before kissing. Bonnie reverted into her changeling body mid-kiss, showing everyone that changelings actually can cry.

After a moment of hesitation, the reporters started taking pictures. I really wanted to roll my eyes, but I managed to hold back. So I just waited up at the front as the couple slowly walked out, one of their front legs wrapped around the other's.

When they were finally out, I crossed my hands behind my back and announced, "For everyone that is invited—you know who you are—the reception will begin in fifteen minutes. For everyone else, trying to sneak into the reception will end poorly for you. So all you reporters can do yourself a favor and just go on home now." There were a few groans in the audience that I ignored as I began to walk away. Some of those groans turned into grunts as some of the reporters jumped up to follow me.

That time, I didn't bother stopping myself from rolling my eyes. "What's your opinion on interracial relationships?" one reporter asked, ready to write a response down.

"You see any other humans around here? Take a guess on my opinion."

Another asked, "What about changeling and pony relationships? What's your opinion on the marriage?"

"If they love each other, they love each other. It's nobody's business to tell them they can't get married."

"What about the stallion that interrupted?"

"Bigoted idiots will be bigoted idiots. I had to deal with that asshole myself a few years ago. Given that this wedding has the blessing of all three princesses, I'm sure not many ponies will bother them."

"Is it true that you had an affair with Queen Chrysalis?"

I snorted and replied, "Is it true that you had an affair with a blind filly named Snowdrop?"

"W-what? I've never—"

"I mean, it's hardly my business, after all, but if you're going to pry into my life it's only fair that I can do the same to you."

That reporter just sputtered and blushed, looking away. Someone else asked, "What about your… other dealings with the changelings? You were instrumental in acclimating Chrysalis to Equestria, you were seen as her date in one of the Galas, and there are rumors that you've visited at least two changeling hives. How do we know you aren't brainwashed?"

"Because Celestia trusts me. Do you think she would be so quick to trust someone that had their mind fucked with by a changeling?"

"Didn't she trust Captain Shining Armor?"

"That was before she found the old influence detecting spells," I answered with a shrug. "Her student used the same spell to confirm that Bon-Bon wasn't influencing her new wife."

"How much did you charge for the wedding?"

"It was a favor for some friends. No charge. And for the love of God, don't fucking advertise in whatever paper you work for that I do weddings."

"Who's God?" one reporter asked.

"I'll tell you later." He blinked and shrugged.

"What truth is there to the rumors that you and Captain Shining Armor are having an affair?"

I burst out laughing and was eventually able to say, "Holy shit, you guys actually bought that rumor? God damn, I need to start making up even more hilarious ones. Celestia is secretly a narwhal, but her disguise only drops when the clock strikes three in the morning."

"Well, it'll look good in the tabloids," one of them muttered, scribbling it down.

"Anyway, enough questions," I said, waving a hand. "Bugger off. Anything else you ask me past this point will be answered in a way that will either be useless or make you feel bad about yourself."

"What about Princess Cadance? Do you know where she is?"

"If I were to ask you to have sex with me, would your answer to that be the same as to that of this question?"

"I… N—er, y—um… Maybe?"

Someone else asked, "What do you have to say in response to everypony that claims you're a marizer—" Womanizer, I think. "—that cares about nothing but getting laid?"

I stopped in my tracks, turned to the reporter that said that, knelt down to his level, and answered in a calm and quiet voice, "What would you do if I and ten random ponies came into your workplace and started asking you question after question? How long would it take for you to get annoyed? How long would it take for you to snap? What is your breaking point? And when you reach that point, how far would you be willing to go to make sure none of those people ever asked you a question again?"

The reporter's eyes slowly grew wider as I spoke and his ears dropped down. He started stuttering out some response as I stood and continued walking to the reception area.

None of the reporters followed me.

I decided to dreamwalk again that night, just to see if anything interesting was going down in the dreams of my friends. Not that I was really snooping all that much, but you never know what interesting tidbits you might find in dreams.

Imagine my surprise when I looked for Taya's dream first and found it red. I lifted an eyebrow and said, "What do you think, Flo?"

She sighed. "As a father, it's your business to know if she's dating someone. However, looking into her dreams like this… I don't suggest it, Nav. Nothing good can come of it."

"She said she wanted me more involved in her life, didn't she? She's tired of me caring only about myself or something like that. Well, seeing who she has an eye for and helping her get a date can't be too bad, can it?"

"You're leaving soon and she'll be going with you. Do you really want her to leave someone behind that she'll be pining for?"

"I _still_ miss some of my old flames. You know that, Flo. And you know that I also feel bad about the chances I never took. It's better to take a chance, I've found, than to live wondering what could have been. She doesn't know that, though, and maybe I can help her realize it."

"You don't have to violate her privacy to do it, then."

"Yeah, but first I want to know if I approve. What if she's dreaming about some old guy or the naga or something?"

"That's creepy. I won't stop you, Nav, but I don't think it's a good idea."

I shrugged. "It's just a little peek. What's the worst that could happen?" I floated over to the dream and slowly pulled open a window. My mouth immediately dropped.

After a few seconds, Flo answered, "That. That's pretty much the worst that could happen."

Inside the dream, gently kissing my loving daughter, was a dream representation of me. When I finally got control of myself, I slammed the window shut before it could get any worse. "How…" I whispered, falling to my knees. "How did I fail so badly?"

"This isn't necessarily a failure," Flo quietly said. "Think, Nav. She probably doesn't know what incest is. She likely doesn't know the stigmas behind it. Once you explain, I'm sure she'll realize this desire is wrong. And that's if it's a desire at all, of course; you know how dreams are."

"God… What would even bring this bloody dream up, anyway? All the days before this, her dreams have been normal!"

"Nav, she did just get her cutie mark recently. Maybe she's in heat. Just… talk to her about it tomorrow."

I spared another glance to her dream bubble. "I could do it right now. Turn that dream into such a nightmare she wouldn't even _think_ about something like this again."

"That's a terrible idea. Yes, it could solve the issue of her possible crush on you, but it might also make her afraid of you instead."

"Can I at least make her wake up? It pains me to know that something like this even exists!"

Flo sighed and shook her head. "Just leave her be, Nav. You can deal with it in the morning."

As I stood back up and walked away, I couldn't help but repeat a question to myself. _How could this have happened?_

The next morning was… I don't even know. I woke up at my normal time feeling terrible. I spared a moment to put some clothes and my ring on since I typically sleep in the buff. Once I was dressed, I sighed and started plodding to Taya's room, already fearing the discussion I knew was to come.

When I pushed the door open, she looked over at me with a very blushed face, a towel of some kind in the middle of the bed and her tail between her legs.

"We need to talk," I said in a tired voice.

"I… I didn't mean to! I don't know how it happened…"

"Didn't mean to what?" Now I was confused. She couldn't have known that I was in her dream.

"W-wet the bed… I've never done it before, I swear!"

"…Sit down, Taya. It's time we had a talk." She swallowed and looked away before sitting on the floor, not wanting to touch the bed. "Alright, what do you know about a mare's reproductive system?"

"…What?"

"Didn't think so. Taya, when a mare gets her cutie mark, she starts going into heat. This is when her body craves the attentions of a stallion. You didn't 'wet the bed.' You had a sensual dream and during it, you had an orgasm. Mares and stallions both release some fluids when that happens."

"So that's why I feel really warm… back there?"

"Yes. You probably also feel like you need something but you likely don't know what."

She slowly nodded. "And you can help, right? You're a stall—er, man. You can help me, right daddy?"

I shook my head. "No. The only real way to help is giving you what you need, which is something I can't do."

"Why not?!" she demanded, jumping to her hooves. "Don't you help all the other mares with _their_ problems?"

I held up placating hands. "Taya, there's a concept called incest wherein two people in the same family have sex. It's illegal, immoral, and fucked up. I'm not going to do that."

She shook her head, glaring at me. "What's so wrong with it? If it's something I need and it's something you can do to help me, how can it be wrong?"

"Because that would be like using my position of power over you to take advantage of you. I wouldn't do that to you, Taya."

"But I'm the one asking you to do it! You don't even want to. It's not taking advantage of me if you don't even want to do it." I opened my mouth to say something, but she just kept on going. "And since when have you ever cared about something being immoral or 'fucked up'? You do whatever you want, whenever you want. What's stopping you from helping me now?"

"My personal morals. I have a few of them left, and not having sex with family is one of those morals that I have. I will not change my mind, Taya."

Like someone flipped a switch in her mind, her entire posture shifted and she looked up at me with teary eyes. "Please, daddy! I need this... What do I need to do to make you help me?"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Taya. There's nothing you _can_ do. I'll ask around, see what mares do when they're in heat to distract themselves."

Taya's ears twitched. "B-but... It hurts! I'll do anything, daddy! Just make that horrible feeling go away!"

I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "I can't. And I won't. It'll just be a few days, Taya." _And then you'll deal with it every month or so for the rest of your life._ "I'm sure you can keep your mind occupied."

She slumped to the floor, her eyes closing and ears falling against her head. "Why, daddy? Do you not love me enough? It can't be hard, can it? Just... helping me?"

"It's that I love you at all, Taya. I don't want to do that to you. It would be like... stealing, in a way."

"Then steal away," she whispered. "I wouldn't tell."

"But we'd both know. And we both know that stealing is wrong. I will help you get through this, but I won't do it in the way that you want. Remember, Taya: I do and always will love you. But don't think that means I can solve all of your problems. I can help, but some things you just have to do for yourself." She didn't seem overly cheered up by that, which is definitely understandable. It's good advice that I wish my parents had given me, though. "Now you need to get ready for the day. And if you're planning on going outside, you need to wear a dress." She flinched. "I know, I know. Trust me, there's a reason."

I waited a second for a response. When none came, I started walking to the door. With a hand on the handle, she whispered, "Daddy?" I looked back to find that she was looking up at me. "I love you..."

"I love you too, honey." With those words hanging in the air, I let myself out. Closing the door behind me, I took a moment to consider what to do.

"That could have gone much worse," Flo said. "You're getting better at this."

_I don't know if that's a compliment_. I started walking to Cadance's room, knowing she would probably be able to help Taya more than anyone else in the house. I don't know if changelings have heat, and if they do, Doppel probably spent her time pulling a train while Eva didn't know how to deal with it. Either way, Taya probably wouldn't want their advice. She might trust Cadance enough, though.

So it was that I gently knocked on her door. I didn't want to risk waking up her brat, after all. She eased it open a few seconds later, looking at me with tired eyes. "What do you need, Nav?" she wearily asked.

"Taya's going through her first heat. How do I help keep her under control?"

She blinked a few times, too tired for it to instantly click. When understanding came to her mind, her eyes slammed open. "I need to go talk to her!"

"Whoa, there." I stopped her from running out of the door with a finger to her nose. "We need to talk about some things, first. Taya seems to be relatively uneducated about how some things work. Like incest. She was sitting there, pleading with me to fuck her. I tried explaining why it was wrong, but I don't think she understood. So if you can help her understand why I can't make her needs go away, that would be nice."

"That's… really awkward, Nav. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's disturbing and frankly scary to know that Taya wants me to do that to her, but I understand that she doesn't know what she's doing. And she's in heat, making her mind go a little crazy."

"If you're sure… Is there anything else you want me to say?"

"I was planning on giving her the whole sex talk later, when her mind isn't so clouded. On the off chance she doesn't know how it works, I'd rather not tell her while she's possibly willing to try it."

"Should she really have that talk with her father? Or any stallion? I think somepony who knows what she feels might be better."

"I have gender changing stones, Cadance. I know what she feels."

"You aren't a mare, though."

"I have been one. You forget that I was dating Luna, who apparently has rape fantasies."

"…Well you weren't one for long. I just don't think it would be smart for you to have that talk with her."

"You'd sugarcoat everything and flinch around topics. Remember, I don't have any shame. I'd tell her things as they are."

"Fine. But I want to be there when you're talking to her, just in case."

I shrugged. "Whatever. Just go talk to her now so she doesn't freak out and try dry humping something."

"Alright. Just as long as you can watch Skyla for a few minutes, that is."

"…Okay." It's just a few minutes and Skyla was asleep anyway. "Just hurry back. You know your spawn hates me."

"Maybe if you were nicer, she wouldn't." Cadance brushed past me and walked down the hall to Taya's room as I stepped inside, looking at the crib. _No movement. Excellent._ I slowly crept down to Cadance's bed, making no sounds at all. _Give her no reason to wake up and she won't move._

"Nav, you're really overreacting. Yes, she despises you and everything you stand for, but she's just a baby. You can probably win her affections with a piece of candy or something."

_Hey little girl, I got some nice candy for you right here! Just come on in my van and I'll let you have alllll you want…_

"That's disgusting."

_What's wrong with free candy?_

"Ugh. You're horrible, Nav."

_You know you love me._ She didn't deign to give that an answer. I just sat there, staring at the crib in silence until Cadance got back. Seems karma finally paid me back by nothing happening with the little brat. Cadance motioned for me to follow her into the hall, so we wouldn't wake Skyla by talking. I didn't have any problems with that, so I joined her out there.

"I spoke with her. I think she'll be more agreeable to deal with now. The first heat is always the worst, and it always gets worse until it ends, so you'll definitely want to keep her distracted. I gave her a few methods of doing that, but I don't know if she'll follow them."

I nodded. "And I'll go ask Applejack and Rarity how they dealt with their sisters their first time. I'm sure between their suggestions and yours, I can figure out something that'll work for Taya."

"Good. And it's also good to see you taking an interest in this. From what I've heard, most fathers tend to avoid the subject of heat with their daughters entirely."

"Well, who else is supposed to do anything with her about it? I'm all she has and I'm not about to make her go through this alone."

"I am very happy to hear that, Nav. Now I'll just let you go; I need to get ready for the day. Taya's going with you to talk to Rarity and Applejack, I think."

"Alright. It's probably for the best that she isn't alone for too long anyway. I told her to put on a dress. Is that a good idea?"

"Yeah. For the first time, it's good to cover that area. She'd probably be pretty embarrassed by everypony being able to tell and the smell would be pretty strong for any stallions nearby, though everypony near here should be used to it by now; this is a mare town, after all." I don't remember if I mentioned this, but the population in this world is relatively stratified so heat cycles don't mess everyone up so much. Mares and stallions tend to live in different towns. Thus, in a place like Ponyville, you end up with a larger number of lesbians. In a place like Stalliongrad, you'll find more gays. The population still manages to balance out pretty evenly, though I haven't figured out how, yet.

"I'm going to do my best to teach her not to be embarrassed by it. It's biology, not something to hide. Anyway, I'll talk to you later. I need to get ready to go out."

"And I need to deal with Skyla. See you later, Nav, and good luck."

I went on back to my room and considered what all I'd take with me. With the chilly autumn winds in the air, I threw my leather jacket over my back, twitching my wings around under it until they were comfortable. I grabbed my sword and slid it onto my back, just in case. And finally, I put on some shoes; I didn't want to walk out to the farm barefoot, after all.

When I was good and ready, I went downstairs to wait for Taya. Mimeo beat her down the stairs. He took a look at me and then my jacket before shrugging and saying, "I'm hungry, Navarone."

"And?"

"I want to eat." I crossed my arms and waited. After about half a minute, he continued, "Would you please feed me?" He didn't sound overly enthusiastic and I knew he only asked because the others demanded it of him, but I wasn't going to hold that against him.

I just reached down there and grabbed him right under his front legs, lifting him up next to my head. "Go on, then." His horn lit up that ugly green color and he began feeding. A minute later, he stopped and just continued staring at me. "Is it strange that I kinda find you guys adorable?" I asked holding him up like that.

"Yes," he answered in a flat voice. "I don't think our looks were meant to be any kind of cute."

"Huh. You just look huggable, to me." He didn't reply to that, so I just set him back down. When he was safely on the floor, he immediately walked away without a word.

Flo sighed. "Nav, do you really think it's smart to scare him like that?"

_Maybe not, but it's funny._

"You should know by now that funny things aren't usually good ideas."

She had a point, but I'm not just going to stop having fun like that. Anyway, the arrival of Taya in a cute little dress saved me from further explanation. "You want to eat before we leave?" I asked her.

"No. I just want to go and get back."

"Then let's go. Applejack should already be awake, so we'll visit her first."

"Okay." I rolled my eyes and led the way out. She followed much closer to me than usual and actually walked by my side when we got outside. We walked in silence for half a minute before she asked, "So where did you get the jacket?" Her voice sounded a little higher and more frantic than usual.

"Back home. This is one of the things I was able to bring back with me. Do you remember how you said you wanted to talk to Flo one day?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Want to talk to her now? She can hijack my body for a few minutes while we're walking out here."

"Uh… Okay. That seems weird, though."

_Feel free to take over, Flo._ I relaxed and let her out. When I was back in her glade, I just summoned a large heart-shaped bed with red velvety blankets, dropped some rose petals on and around it, and curled up on it. I figured whatever they were talking about wasn't something I was supposed to be hearing.

After about fifteen minutes, Flo got my attention with, "Nav, what are you even doing?"

"Just chillin'. I've always wanted to see what one of these beds was like. Shame I don't have any company. You two done?"

"No, but we're here. I figured it prudent to give you back control."

"You figured right." I hopped off the bed and rolled my shoulders. "So?" The next time I blinked, I was back in the real world. "And I'm back," I said. Taya didn't reply.

We were already at the farmhouse. I saw Applejack pulling a cart loaded with tools out of the barn. She waved when she saw us walking toward her. "What brings y'all around here?" she asked, pushing her hat back with a hoof.

"Need some advice. How did you deal with Applebloom when her first heat hit?"

She winced, looking down at Taya for a second before back up to me. "Uh… Come on, Nav. Taya, you… wait here. Won't be but a second, I promise." Taya sighed as Applejack shrugged out of her harness and led me into the barn. "What're you doing, asking me a question like that in front of her?" she harshly whispered.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," I said, crossing my arms. "It's natural, a part of every mare's body. There's no shame to be had in natural functions."

"But it's real embarrassing to talk about it like that in the open!"

"Only if you were raised to be embarrassed by it. Taya didn't even know what heat _was_. She doesn't know she should be embarrassed by it and I see no reason to drill that mindset into her."

She just shook her head. "Alright, Nav. I don't suggest it, but you're her father. But dealing with Applebloom was pretty dang easy. I gave her a toy and locked her in her room for a few hours."

…

"Just to be sure, when you say toy—"

"Yep. I… I don't think she really knew what to do with it, though. She was a mite confused when I let her out, but she still calmed down."

"…Where would I even _get_ something like that?" She looked away and mumbled something. "Oh come on, AJ. Don't tell me that you of all people are shy about this."

She sighed. "Fine. You didn't hear this from me, though. It's a place called The Crop. I'm surprised you ain't heard about it yourself. It's all the way in Canterlot, though."

"So… cucumber?"

"Cucumber. Just make sure she knows what she's doing, as awkward as that would be. And Nav? This is really, _really_ weird. Even for you."

"Then if anyone asks, we never had this conversation. That make you happy?"

"I kinda wanna forget it even happened… It just seems _strange_ for a dad to be doin' something like this."

"I'd rather teach her myself than risk her running into a colt that doesn't know what he's doing and hurts her or gets her pregnant. This way, I'm certain she'll be safe."

"Well… yeah. But don't it seem the least bit wrong to you?"

"Yeah, but I love her enough that I'm willing to go through a little awkwardness if it means helping her. Now I need to get on down to the market. Have a good day and let me know if you need anything."

"We probably won't need your help until harvest, but I'll let you know if that changes. Talk to you later." I stepped on out of the barn and nodded at Taya to follow me. She fell into step next to me as we headed into town.

"So what did she say?"

"We'll talk about it when we get home. We just need to hit up the market and then we can go back."

"What about talking to everyone else?"

"Applejack's advice will work just fine, I think. And if not, we can go back into town and find someone else."

"…Alright, if you're sure. I just want this feeling to go away."

"From everything I've heard, this'll help."

"Okay… Can I talk to Flo some more?"

"Sure." _You know what to do._ I rode into town in my mind, relaxing on a nice, warm bed.

…And when I woke back up, we were walking through my gate. _What the hell? What happened?_

"All you needed was a cucumber and some other groceries. We got them and went home," Flo answered.

_Never do that again. I don't want to lose that much time without knowing what's going on. I thought I was going to be the one buying things!_

"Very well, Nav. I apologize. I'll remember that, next time." I just snorted and pulled the door open.

"Alright, Taya. Wait in your room. I'll be up there in a minute or two."

"Okay, daddy…"

The good thing about all that time to myself was being able to come up with a better plan than trying to explain how everything worked myself. When Taya was up the stairs, I called out, "Doppel, where are you?" She came in from the study with Mimeo in tow.

"What do you need, master?"

"I need you to teach Taya something. How good are you at masturbating?"

"The best. Why?"

"Right. Mimeo, you do whatever. Doppel, come on." She just sighed and followed me up the stairs while Mimeo went back into the study. "Long story short, Taya's in heat and she doesn't know how anything down there works. I would show her, but I think that would be pretty damn awkward. Can you teach her how to relieve herself?"

"Sure. And don't worry, Nav; I won't do anything you'd disapprove of, aside from borrowing a little bit of that residual lust in the air. You do have something for me to work with, right?"

"On such short notice, I don't have much. Just a few cucumbers of various sizes."

She nodded. "I can make that work, but you'll have to get her something better later."

"I will. I just don't want to go too far out of town while she's like this."

"She'll be fine, Nav. Taya's too smart to do something stupid."

"Still, I'd rather not take any chances." She just shrugged. Since Taya's door was already open, we just let ourselves inside. She was standing next to the bed, looking very nervous. "Taya, Doppel here is going to teach you how to help yourself with this. I would, but I really think you would be better off if she taught you. Okay?"

"…Okay, daddy." She looked over at Doppel. "So what do I do?" I set the grocery bag down and walked to the door. "Where are you going?" Taya asked.

"This isn't something I should watch, Taya," I answered. "Just listen to Doppel and do as she says. Trust me."

"Alright…" She looked somewhat dubious, but willing to try it. I nodded and walked on out, closing the door behind me.

"It's good to see you trusting Doppel more," Flo said. "But are you sure this much is wise?"

_I don't want Taya to get hurt and I don't think it would be a good idea to teach her myself. I reckon this is the best option I have._

"Very well. I'm sure this will probably calm her down, at the very least."

_I hope so…_

It did


	86. Chapter Eighty-Four

**Chapter Eighty-Four**

_Learning how to use a sword should be easier than this_. I was a whole lot better at that point, but the naga was better still. He hauled me off the ground after yet another failed bout and pointed behind me. "We have a guest."

I looked behind me to find someone I wasn't expecting to ever see again. "Braeburn?" I whispered. I looked back to the naga. "Break time. I need to see what he wants."

"Very well. I can help Taya instead." Her trainer left a week ago and she didn't have anyone else to practice with. The naga was relatively resilient, giving her a target to practice with.

He started slithering to the back door while I moved to Braeburn, who looked like he had walked around the house to get back here.

"Long time no see," I commented when I was close enough, removing my helmet and putting it on its hook. "What've you been up to?"

"This and that," he answered with a wide smile. "How have you been?"

"Surprisingly well, given my occupation. What brings you 'round these parts?"

"Cousin Applejack needed help with the harvest. She called for everypony anypony could spare. As it turns out… I'm it."

"As big as her family is, how are you the only one that was able to come help?"

He shrugged. "It's harvest everywhere. Most of us have crops we have to tend to. Don't think anypony realized just how badly Applejack needed us, though. Have you _seen_ the size of some of her plants?"

"No, actually. I don't get over that way often. She told me she was going to need my help, though. Is it really that bad?"

He nodded. "I don't know what most of those plants are, but they're all massive. Melons the size of a pony's body, tubes the size of one of our legs, all kinds of things! We're gonna have our work cut out for us, that's for sure."

"Damn shame I told her I'd help, then. That sounds like a lot of work that I don't really want to do. When are we starting?"

"Tomorrow morning, bright and early! She said if you didn't get there soon enough, I could give you a nice wakeup call."

"I don't think that'll be necessary, unless she decides to start before dawn. Think she'd mind too much if I brought a few others?"

"I don't think she'd say no. I sure wouldn't." The way his voice changed, I don't think he was talking about farming anymore.

Now, I was somewhat tempted to take him up on his little offer, but after about two months with almost no sex, I was actually feeling… better. I don't know how much better, but it was like a haze was lifted off my eyes and everything else seemed more vibrant.

So I nodded. "Then I'll be sure to bring them with me. I'm sure Taya, a naga, and a changeling will be useful."

"Alrighty. I reckon I'll see you tomorrow, then. Remember, bright and early."

"Don't worry, I'll be there. Take care."

"You too, Nav." And like that, he was off. He didn't seem to mind that I shrugged off his offer and I did tell him that I was probably done with stallions, so I was hoping that would be the end of it. Either way, I knew I was in for a busy couple of days.

When I went back inside, I found the naga, Taya, Cadance, and Eva in the kitchen. "So who wants to play farmer for a week?" I asked, kicking the door shut behind me.

I received a number of uninterested looks. Ames eventually said, "While farming is one of the most respected professions in the naga clans, few of us have any desire to be one. For what cause would we 'play farmer'?"

"Applejack's harvest is going on and she has more work than she can handle. When she sent out a request for help from her family, only one person showed up. I agreed to help a month ago and there will be a few volunteers from town, but that's it. She's gonna need more help."

"I'll go!" Eva happily answered, eager for a way to please me.

"And I don't mind helping," Cadance answered. "Celly always told me it was good to see where my food came from, said it would give me a better appreciation for it."

"I don't see her fat ass agreeing to help us. What about you, Taya? I know Twilight's supposed to be there and I've seen her pull entire orchards of apples out of trees at a time. She can probably teach you better telekinetic control or whatever."

"…That could be useful, I guess. I suppose I'll go."

I looked over to the naga and shrugged. "With your two students going, you'll be bored just sitting around the house. I know an extra pair of hands would be appreciated. There's plenty of farm work that hands are better for than hooves."

He sighed. "Very well. If nothing else, I imagine it will be good exercise."

I heard a wooden rattling and looked that way to see Freki wagging his tail. "Yeah, you can come too. Now, we'll probably go around the time that the sun comes up. So go to bed early."

"What about Doppel?" Eva asked.

"I don't think Doppel is much of a farming person," I answered with a shrug. "She isn't suited to hard work." I looked back over to the naga. "Want to keep training? We still have a few hours of sun."

"Very well, though I will need to leave to hunt soon. If I'm going to be spending the next week on a farm, I will need to stock up." I found it pretty amusing that Cadance didn't even flinch at that anymore.

"Eh. A few more hours won't do much for me. We can both go hunting instead. And yes, Freki, you can also go." He seemed to grin as I walked out of the kitchen to go get changed into something more suitable for flying over the forest.

At this point, the naga and I had hunting in that place down to an art. He would go in on the ground and make as much noise as possible to scare something into moving away from him or to bait something into attacking him. I'd pick whatever moved off from the air, since I had better sightlines. We found that it worked wonders.

I woke up early the next morning, as I always do. A quick glance out the window showed the sun was about halfway over the horizon. _Too damn early in the morning for this shit._ I quickly did my morning routine and went on downstairs to wait for everyone else.

The naga and Cadance were already there. "So if you're going to harvest, who's taking care of your spawn?" the naga was asking as I sat down at the kitchen table.

"Doppel. After so long, I think I can trust her. And since she can pretend to be me, there shouldn't be any problems with Skyla."

"So with an alicorn and two overpowered unicorns, how long should this take?" I asked, ruffling my feathers as they continued to dry from my shower.

"I don't really use my magic for much," Cadance answered. "I suppose I have an alicorn's strength, but I don't know how much that will be worth without much training. I'm sure Twilight and Taya will be able to help, though."

"If Taya ever gets down here, sure. Hm… If we're going to have a long day of working, we'll need to start it right. Cadance, if you start cooking, I can go drag their lazy asses downstairs."

"That's a good idea, but you might want to let them take showers first."

"Eh, maybe. See you in a few minutes." She hopped up and walked over to the food storage receptacle while I walked back down the hall to head upstairs again. I don't think the naga said a word.

I went down to Taya's room first. I heard her moving around, so I knew she was up. I just knocked on her door and called, "Ten minutes to breakfast."

"Okay, daddy!" I don't know what she was doing and I don't really care. With her notified and getting ready, I went to go wake up Mimeo. He wasn't moving around, so I gently knocked on the door. When I didn't get an answer, I pushed it open.

The glowing eyes of Freki greeted me from the corner he had taken to sitting in. Mimeo was still asleep, the curtains drawn tightly around the window. I walked over and poked him. "Time to wake up," I merrily said.

His solid blue eyes flashed open. "Why so early?" he whispered, still very tired.

"Because you're helping me farm."

"Eva agreed to that. I did not."

I crossed my arms. "You've been living in my house for over a month now, doing nothing but freeloading. I said when I brought you in that you were working for me. Well, consider this your first real job. Now come on." I reached down and grabbed him, slinging him over a shoulder. "Freki, come." The not so little wolf stood up and began following me out the room.

"You don't have to carry me," Mimeo said behind my back. He didn't seem to be fighting, though, choosing instead to hang there limply.

"Yeah, but making you uncomfortable amuses me." I could practically hear both him and Flo rolling their eyes.

Before I could get to the stairs, one of the doors opened and Doppel walked out in her sexy little maid uniform. She looked up to my shoulder and sighed. "Nav, did you get the wrong changeling again? At least last time it was a girl!"

I don't think I'll ever forget the noise Eva made when I threw her on the bed. And then what she said… 'What are we gonna do on the bed, Navi?' Major boner killer, man.

"Nah, I'm not looking to get my dick wet this time. Just a wakeup call."

"I see. Why aren't I going with you to the farm?"

I shrugged, bouncing Mimeo up and down. "Someone has to watch Cadance's brat. And I don't really want to leave the house completely empty, either."

Mimeo snorted. "I thought your reasoning was because she'd be bad at it." I shrugged my left shoulder harder, jostling him even more.

"I've never tried farming before," she mused, tapping her chin with a hoof. "What makes you think I'd be bad at it?"

"I didn't say that you would be. I said that I don't think you'd be suited for it. You're a maid now and you were a spy before. You might do a lot of cardio, but other than that you don't really do much working out. I just don't think hard, labor-intensive work is what you'd be best at."

"Oh. Yeah, you're right. Still, I could probably help somehow."

"Eh. The other points are still true. Someone needs to look after Skyla and I don't want to leave the house empty. I trust you can manage?"

She lifted a hoof for a salute. "Of course, master."

"Excellent. Now, no debauched orgies in front of the baby."

She sighed and kicked at the floor. "Fiiiine. I'll find something else to do instead. I suppose I could finally look over that _Kama Sutra_ book you gave me…"

"Let me know what you think. Now, I gotta get this lazy bum downstairs. Have fun, Doppel. Lord only knows the rest of us won't."

She giggled and said, "I'll be sure to be ready when you get back with a nice… stress reliever, then. With how you've been neglecting me, I know you need it."

"Yeah, I probably will. See you tonight, then." With that, I was finally on my way back to the kitchen. I unceremoniously dumped Mimeo in a chair when I got down there and took up a seat next to him.

"Your shoulder is not very comfortable, Navarone," he said, not even looking at me.

"Your hard carapace isn't that comfortable either. Just remember that the next time you decide to be lazy and sleep in."

"To be fair," Cadance said, "he never agreed to help. That was Eva."

"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that he's just been freeloading. I figure it's about time he had something to do."

"It's your own fault that none of them had anything to do, Nav," she said. "You brought them in here knowing there wouldn't be much for them to do."

"Yeah, yeah, cry me a river. Now, how many of you have ever done any kind of farm work before?" No answers. "Didn't think so. I haven't done much here in Ponyville, but if it's anything like it was back in my world, it'll involve a lot of heat and sweat. If changelings or naga even _can_ sweat. You'll need to replenish fluids a lot, so keep plenty of water near you. And if you're doing much physical labor, you'll need to be ready to take breaks. You don't want to get heat sickness, after all."

"Can't we just get Rainbow Dash or somepony else to cover the farm in clouds?" Cadance asked.

"Oh yeah, we could ask. But you know how those Cloudsdale bastards are. I'm sure between your princess status and my knighthood, we can probably get some kind of cover. We'll have to ask Dash. It's a good idea, though; it'll be a lot less painful for everyone involved if we didn't have to worry about the sun."

"I guess you still aren't quite used to ponies being able to move the clouds," Cadance commented, flipping the hash browns she was cooking with magic.

"I just don't actively think about it. You'd think I'd be more used to these things after so much time here."

"That's what you have the rest of us around for. So where's Taya?"

"Upstairs getting ready. I don't know what she's doing, but she'll be down in time for breakfast. Doppel's also awake, doing something up there."

"Well, it's almost ready so she better get down here soon." I just leaned back in my seat and waited, knowing I'd want all the time relaxing I could get soon enough.

Taya didn't take much longer to get downstairs. She joined us at the table in silence. A few minutes later, Cadance finished breakfast and we hastily ate. With food in our bellies, we began down the road to Applejack's not very humble orchard. On the way there we found Braeburn.

"Ah, there you are. Applejack was wondering where y'all were."

"It takes time to get five people moving," I answered with a shrug. "Braeburn, meet Mimeo, the naga, and Princess Cadance."

When I said the princess part, his eyes jerked to her back and noticed her wings. After a second of gaping, he hastily bowed.

"Please, none of that," Cadance was quick to say. "I don't want anypony bowing or scraping at all, let alone while we're working on the farm." When Braeburn was back up, looking away and blushing, she nodded. "It's nice to meet you, Braeburn. You're somepony that'll be helping us, right?"

"Yes, Princess. I'll just… run ahead to let Applejack know y'all're comin'." He galloped back off down the road before anyone could say anything.

"What a queer pony," the naga idly commented before moving again.

"You don't know the half of it," I sighed, joining him. Thankfully, he didn't ask what I meant by that so I didn't have to explain that Braeburn took it in the ass. That would bring up the awkward question of how I knew, which would bring up what I did with him, and the naga is a severe homophobe. He didn't need to know and I had no intention of telling him. The others fell in behind us as we continued to the farm.

By the time we got there, Applejack and her cadre of close friends were waiting for us. "'Bout time y'all got here," Applejack said with a small smile. "You ready for work, I hope?"

"Yep. Quick question before we start, though. Would it affect anything if we got some cloud cover to keep the sun off us?"

"Well, it would be mighty nice… Rainbow, you think you can help us out?"

"Uh… I could _ask_, but I don't know if they'd just let me up and bring some clouds over here."

I grinned and said, "Tell them you have a princess here that might get heat stroke if she has to deal with the sun too much. And also tell them that they'll have an angry knight making their lives hard if they don't throw us a bone."

Dash nodded. "That'll be enough, I bet. I'll be back soon!" She took off in a flash, shooting off toward town.

I turned back to Applejack. "Well, where do you want us?"

She turned to Twilight. "Can you take Princess Cadance and Taya and get them pickin' apples in the east orchard?"

"Of course, Applejack." She began leading Taya and Cadance off.

"Big Mac, you take Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the changeling and get to work on the northeast field. I'll join y'all later."

"Eeyup." The huge stallion led his two mares and Mimeo away, dragging a large cart behind him. Freki followed behind them, knowing he had to keep an eye on Mimeo for me.

"Hmmm… Braeburn, you take the big guy, Rarity, and Spike on down to the finger fields. They oughta be able to do good there. When you get them started, join me and Big Mac in the northeast field."

"…Finger fields?" I asked.

"A lot of them seeds you gave me grew things that weren't made to be picked by hooves, Nav. They grow on or in the ground and fingers or claws or talons are much easier to get them with. I reckon them three can do a good job there."

"Why aren't I going, then?"

She eyed my hands as they all walked off. "I got… somethin' else in mind for you. C'mon."

"You know, if you wanted another belly rub, all you had to do was ask."

"Now, I'm not gonna say I _don't_ want another, but that ain't what I had in mind. Grab those pails there." I picked the metal buckets up and continued following her. "Now I don't judge and I don't put much in store of rumors, but are some of the things I've heard about you and those hands true?"

"Yes. That said, I have no idea what you've heard."

"That they're good with mares. And a certain stallion."

"Then definitely yes."

"Good. You're just what I need." Given that we were entering the relatively dark barn, I wasn't entirely comfortable with that.

"So… what am I going to be doing?"

She grinned, reaching up to pull a lamp switch. "Mornin' call, ladies!" The light flickered on to reveal a large number of cows. "This here's your new milker." _Oh dear God, why?_ "Nav, I believe you know some of these cows. This here's Daisy Joe. She'll show you around, get you to know everyp—er, cow."

The bovines around us were starting to wake up, stretching and being cows. "Uh, I'm not so sure about this…" I said, looking around me in thinly veiled horror.

"Don't you worry about a thing, Nav. They don't mind it at all! Now I'll just leave y'all to get acquainted. You need anything, Granny Smith's in the house and I'll be in the northeast field with the others." She left before I could tell her the reason I didn't want to do this.

_Flo, have I ever told you how much I hate cows?_

"No, you haven't. That said, I think I understand why."

_Smelly, filthy, monstrous, mindless. Even in this world, most aren't smart. Fuck I hate cows._

"I'm afraid you'll just have to deal with it. I don't think there will be much of a problem, honestly. Just tolerate them, Nav."

I sighed and walked over to the one named Daisy. "So what exactly am I supposed to do?" I asked her.

She gave me a rather unsettling grin. "Milking isn't hard, dontcha know? Just feel around down there until you find my teats, then start pulling. I'll guide you through it. Pull that stool over and we'll get started." For some reason, there was a stool against the wall. _Who uses this?_ I just shrugged, dragged it over, and sat down beside her. "Now, put the pail under the udder." Down it went, right under the pale mass of flesh and milk. "Wrap your hands around two of the teats." I did so and she sighed loudly. "Oooh, they're warm…"

"Is that a problem? I can stop if you want!" _Please, god, let me stop._

"No, no… Now, squeeze the base and gently pull down, squeezing with the rest of your hand." I did so and was rewarded with a squirt of milk in the pail. She shuddered and whispered, "More." I swallowed and continued milking her, really hoping that she wasn't getting off to it.

It took me twenty. Fucking. Minutes to milk that cow. About five minutes in, more of the cows around us began waking up and crowding around, watching what I was doing. There were a number of whispers and giggles that I did my best to ignore.

When Daisy was finally finished, she sighed in satisfaction and shivered her entire body. "And that's how you milk a cow, dontcha know?"

"I… I do now, I guess," I answered, glancing at the two full buckets of milk I got from her. "So… what do I do with these?"

"Oh, we'll handle those. You just get on to the next one, now!"

"Just so I know, how many of you are there?"

"Oh, I think the last count was only around forty-four or so."

I think I felt tears coming to my eyes. Flo 'hmmed' and commented, "That's over fourteen hours of milking, at this rate. Better get to work."

_I'm never volunteering for Applejack again. Christ._ Daisy stepped aside and two cows grabbed her buckets before another stepped into her place, giving me a creepy grin. "Well, what're you waiting for, bull?" _I think I just threw up a little in my mouth._

Instead of moaning, this one mooed when I grabbed at her teats. I shivered and began milking her. The noises she was making didn't make me feel all that great about it, that's for sure. When her twenty minutes were up, the buckets were removed and replaced by other cows as a third cow stepped into place. She just looked at me with half-lidded eyes and a lascivious grin.

I sighed and began milking her. Her eyes squeezed shut and she turned her head away, biting her lip. _At least she isn't making noises._ Until I thought that, of course. "Like… little tentacles, having their way with me," she whispered. "Do whatever you want, mister tentacle monster."

_…Flo?_

"Yes, Nav, I'll take over. Feel free to curl into a ball and cry." I withdrew from my body and let Flo take over as I summoned a large bed that I could fall on and pretend that cow never opened her mouth. I didn't even open a window to the outside to watch everything.

I think an hour passed before Flo said, "Nav, I can't hold on anymore. You have to take back over."

"What? Why?!"

"I've told you this before. I can only stay in control for so long, even if you're not fighting. I got another four done, though; if you get the technique down it goes faster."

I gulped and nodded. "Alright. Give me control back." I blinked and found myself back on the stool. A cow was just stepping into place when I came to. I loudly popped my knuckles and she flinched.

"P-please be gentle," she whispered. "It's my first time."

I was extremely tempted to just get up and walk away. In hindsight, I wish I had. "I'll try," I answered instead of doing the smart thing. When I reached down for her teats, she flinched and then sighed. I think I saw her tail hit upwards when I pulled one down to start milking. Her breathing slowly picked up as I continued and I was starting to wonder if she was going to be okay.

My question was answered when she finally half-moaned, half-mooed and something splashed under her legs. My mind froze for a few seconds as she caught her breath and all the cows around me gasped. "D-did you just…"

Daisy quickly jumped forward, wrapping a leg around the cow's shoulders. "It's okay, dear. A lot of us really enjoy our first times, dontcha know."

_She… she did just… cum… Oh God, __I think I'm gonna be sick._ I jumped off the stool and fucking sprinted from the barn, pushing cows out of my way to get out faster. When I got outside, I ran to the side of the barn, put a hand against the wall, leaned over, and gagged, trying to hold back my breakfast. _Just when you think you've gotten used to something, you find something that's even _worse_! Christ, why did it have to be cows?_

"You alright there, part'?" Braeburn asked, touching my side with his hoof.

I flinched back and gagged one last time before groaning, "No."

"Cows get to you? Applejack told me that she'd talk to them. Guess it didn't do any good."

"She… she knew they _got off_ to that?"

"Well, I don't think any of them ever actually got off to it before, but they do enjoy it." I slowly turned my head to him, showing off my bloodshot eyes and horrified expression. He flinched back and said, "So… one of them got off to it, huh?" I pushed back away from the wall and brushed past him, walking toward the northeast field. I had a certain orange pony to yell at. Braeburn just sighed and started following me.

My rage didn't abate in the slightest on the long walk—though I don't think you could call what I was doing walking—to where Applejack was trying to repair a fence. I could see Mimeo and Pinkie near us, working on the apple trees.

"Applejack!" Her head jerked up, somehow bumping into the fencepost. She turned to me, rubbing her head. "You didn't tell me they'd get off to that!"

She scratched at one of her ears, flipping it up and down. "Can you repeat that?"

I walked over to her, knelt down, grabbed her ear, and yelled, "I just got molested by your fucking cows!"

She jumped back at the screaming, knocking over the entire fence. "I didn't think you'd mind! You said the rumors were true!"

I don't think anyone on this world has ever seen me truly angry before. Applejack just changed that. "You didn't think? Why does that not surprise me?" Maybe it was the very angry tone I was using or maybe it was the look on my face, but she started backing up, fear on her face. I started advancing, not finished with her. "Milk the cows, you said. Why didn't you mention they fucking got off to that?! Did that slip your mind? Did you truly think I wouldn't mind being turned into a fucking WHORE?!"

With that last remark, she fell over some of the logs the fence was made of, falling into a trench behind her. A throat cleared behind me and Mimeo said, "Whores get paid, Navarone. You volunteered."

I very slowly turned around, the look on my face making both Pinkie and Braeburn flinch and start backing up. "_I_ volunteered? No. _You_ just did." Mimeo blinked in confusion, but I was on him in an instant. With one hand around the back of his neck and the other hand on his tail, I started dragging his black ass back to the barn. Thankfully, he didn't even try struggling. I think Braeburn and Freki followed us, but I wasn't really paying attention.

When we got back to the entrance of the barn, I dropped his neck and used his tail to sling him into the mass of cows. "There's your new fucking milker. Enjoy." I turned to Braeburn and Freki and looked down at my wolf. "Make sure he stays here and does his job. He starts slacking, you start gnawing." He happily barked before sitting down next to the barn doors. Braeburn had a look on his face that I couldn't identify. "Well, where are the so-called finger fields? I might as well get started there."

"Nav… are you alright?"

"I'm better now. I don't get angry often and I usually calm down quickly. Lead the way."

"Well, if you're sure… Right this way." He started leading me west, away from the others. "I don't know if you'd call that angry, though. Furious looked more like it."

"I don't like being _used_ like that. Especially without knowing what I'm stepping into. And what's worse is that she didn't even think I would be upset about it! Is my reputation really that bad?"

"I don't know much about your reputation here in Ponyville, but from what I've read on the newspapers, you ain't exactly got the best morals out there. Sure, you do the right thing, but there apparently ain't no mare out there that's safe from yeh."

"That is an _extreme_ exaggeration. So I like sex. Big fucking deal. I haven't done anything my partners didn't want and I never propositioned anyone that didn't seem at least slightly interested. How is that so bad?"

"Hey, I don't judge either way. I cain't, not after what we did. Not that I'm complainin', mind. It just doesn't exactly help convince me of yer point."

"You're still the only stallion I've done anything with, if that makes you feel any better."

"You sure about that? I've read a bunch of things in the paper that say you're with the captain of the royal guard."

"Those are rumors that I started to fuck with him. He's happily married to a loving princess. They even have a kid."

"See, this is why nopony likes the news anymore. It's all lies! I bet next you'll tell me that Princess Celestia isn't even a narwhal in disguise."

"God, someone actually put that in a paper? I was telling a joke to a bunch of reporters!"

"Well, after that big scandal with her and that model a few months ago, everypony's been more willing to find things out about her. I figured, you know, maybe she really was. Even if I don't know what a narwhal is…"

"It's a large sea animal with a horn. I just said that because she's fat." He flinched, jerking his eyes toward me in shock. "What? It's true. That said, I like 'em nice and squishy. More to hold onto, you know?"

"Um…" He looked down to his hooves.

"Well, maybe you don't know. Trust me, Celestia's pretty fun in the sack. You should find some guy with a nice ass and see if you can convince him to let you ride him."

Braeburn at this point was turning several shades of red. I don't think he was really used to speaking so openly about stuff like that. After about half a minute of awkward silence, he finally said, "I… I bottom."

"Oh. Well, never mind then. Though I guess you could make an exception. I don't really know what that feels like."

He muttered something that I didn't quite catch. Since I know mutters are supposed to be ignored, I didn't call him on it. Eventually we got to the 'finger field,' where I saw Spike and Rarity reenacting the South in 1830. Rarity was lying back in some manner of lounge chair, her horn glowing to pull at some crops, while Spike was constantly bending over in the hot sun to pick others. The naga was actually on the ground, acting like a snake with arms to pick things.

"Now I remember why I hate farming," I sighed.

"You used to farm back where you come from?" Braeburn asked as I put some leather gloves on.

"Sort of. I didn't do much plant picking, but I dealt with a lot of animals. And holy shit, look at the size of that okra!" I didn't actually look at what they were harvesting until that point. Those things were fucking _huge_!

"I told you they were big, Nav. I've never seen anything like 'em, either! What's okra?"

"Those tubes that Rarity's grabbing. They get to be long, but not _that_ big. I wonder what the hell could have caused that…"

Flo whispered, "The different atmosphere. The seeds you brought here weren't accustomed to it, so when they sprouted, they sprouted big."

"I don't know and it ain't really my problem," Braeburn answered with a shrug. "There ain't too many of these plants. Applejack said she only had enough seeds to get a test crop done. Should take you the rest of today and tomorrow to finish these off. After that, I'm sure Applejack can find more stuff for you to do. Now, I need to get back to helping her. With that changeling gone, we gotta do more to make up for it."

"You know, I could just get a giant dragon here that could slam the ground with a fist and probably knock down a fuckton of apples."

"I'm uh… I'm not sure Applejack would want a _dragon_ around her crops." I turned to him, lifted an eyebrow, turned my head to Spike for a second, and then looked back to him. He followed my gaze and thought for a second. "Well, a dragon she don't know. I mean, I'll mention it to her, but no promises about her actually taking you up on it. After all, she has plenty of property to worry about getting damaged, too."

"True enough. Well, I reckon I should get started. Thanks for showing me the way."

"No problem. And I need to get back, too. See you later, Nav."

And thus began one of the most mind-numbing and torturous tasks I've ever done.

A few hours into the backbreaking work, Rarity came over to where I was trying to figure out how to move a watermelon the size of Applebloom. "Navarone, can we talk about something?"

"Well, if I said no, I'd already ruin my answer just by replying. What do you need?" _Maybe I can roll it?_

"Has Spike said anything to you about me?"

"Yeah." I tried giving the watermelon an experimental push. It wobbled and I sighed.

"Anything in particular? I've tried talking to him and Twilight, but neither have been very forthcoming."

"Well, you pissed Spike off something fierce. Not only telling him that you weren't at all interested, but that all the time he spent drooling over you made you think he was gay? Well, I think that would piss anyone off."

"Yes, I realized my mistake and I tried apologizing. It's just… he's too young for me!"

"You realize that he's around the same age as you, right? Dragons age very differently than ponies. I've asked a number of them about that. Spike told me that he was actually technically older than Twilight at this point, but I don't think he can actually judge that himself. "

"I… I did not realize that, no. He still acts so young!"

"Treat someone like a child and they'll act like it. And it helps that since everyone thinks he is young, no one teaches him how to behave like an adult. I've been working on that when I see him over at my house, but a lot of his time has been spent with the naga and Doppel."

She went silent as I started rocking the watermelon back and forth, waiting to build up enough momentum. Eventually she acidically spouted, "That _hussy_ changeling of yours? He's been spending time with _her_?!"

"Yes. It's nice to find a girl that gives you the time of day. After so long around people like _you_, it's no wonder she latched onto him as an easy source of lust."

"And just what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

I stopped my efforts on the watermelon and gave her an incredulous look. "Really? Are you that fucking dense? Did you not at all realize what you were doing to that poor kid? You were using him for free labor for years. When he finished what you needed him for, you sent him on his way without a backwards glance. I've seen you use him to clean your store. As soon as he got outside with the last trash bag, you sent him straight home without anything at all."

"Well… he stank and needed a bath."

"At the cost of his feelings. You used him as a pincushion, sticking needles into his fucking body."

"He has scales! It didn't hurt him at all."

"At the cost of his dignity. You paraded him around in your minotaur summer dress line of clothes in front of the entire town."

"He didn't mind and he got a large number of compliments!"

"_He didn't mind because he wanted something from you_! He wanted your love and affection, you vapid cunt! You used him while hinting that if he did just one more thing for you, maybe you'd give him what he craved for. Maybe the next little favor would be it. Maybe, just maybe, he could finally earn your affection. And now that I've finally broken him from your chains, you come to me trying to figure out how to tie him back. Eat a dick, Rarity. But not his, because he's done with your bullshit. And so am I." I looked back at the watermelon and pulled my knife out to cut the stem.

After nearly a minute of silence behind me, Rarity quietly said, "One more question, Nav. I… I made a big mistake, didn't I?"

"Yes. Yes you did."

"…Can it be fixed?"

I looked back to her to find that she actually had tears in her eyes. "You're asking the wrong person. If I were Spike, I'd either ignore you or tell you to fuck off. If I were any of your pony friends, I'd awkwardly try to change the subject so I didn't have to tell you how much of a bitch you've been."

"…That explains a lot. Do you know where Spike is, then?"

I looked over her head behind her, where Spike had been standing since about the time she got there. He had been helping me with the watermelons and was hidden behind one. I said, "Not sure. Maybe I should ask Spike. Hey Spike, where are you?"

Rarity jumped when I directed that question over her head, spinning around. She opened her mouth to say something, but Spike said, "Fuck off, Rarity." He then looked up to me. "How are we gonna move these things?"

"Fuck it, we'll make the naga do it. Let's go find something we can actually work on."

Rarity was absolutely stunned at that. She wasn't even able to say a word as we walked away.

When we were far enough away that she couldn't hear us, I commented, "She's probably going to bitch at Twilight for your language. Then Twilight's probably going to bitch at me because you copied me."

"And?"

"You raise a good point. Let's go harvest the corn. That stuff should be easy for us." And so things went.

Those things kept on going until about three or so the next day. Rarity traded shifts with Cadance to get away from me and Spike, not that she said it. So we had a princess working the fields with us, though sadly she wasn't constantly bending over. And then I remembered that she was married and I wasn't supposed to be looking anyway.

Sometime around the late afternoon of the next day, I got an unexpected visitor. "Sir Navarone?"

I swung the hoe I was using over my shoulder as I turned around, wiping some sweat off my forehead. "Yeah?" I wasn't able to tell whose voice it was from behind me, so I was surprised when I beheld the diminutive form of Diamond Tiara before me. I suddenly wished I hadn't taken my shirt off some time ago. I also wished I hadn't gotten separated from the others and that Rainbow Dash had been able to get cloud cover so I wouldn't have a sheen of sweat over me.

Her eyes went to my chest and a small blush appeared on her face. I don't think her mind was in the gutter, but my body isn't something many ponies saw since I usually wore a shirt. After a few seconds she looked back up at my face. "Where's Eva? Wasn't I supposed to teach her today?"

"She's milking cows. We're going to be too busy for tutoring this week. Just take the time off."

"…Oh." She looked around the general area and didn't see anyone. "So where's everypony else?"

"Working, I imagine. I need to get back to that, too."

"Why are you doing this? You're the princess's knight, her go-to champion! You should be paying somepony else to do this for you."

"Applejack wouldn't let me do that. She would only accept my help. Since I don't have much to do anyway, I figured I'd stop by to help."

"Well, don't you think you should take a break? You look pretty… hot. I know a place nearby that's in some shade. It's nice and private, too, so nopony would bother us—you, I mean."

_That's not obvious at all._ "Nah. I'm not as flimsy as I look. I can keep going for hours."

"I bet you can…" she whispered before shaking her head and blinking. "I mean… Are you sure? The princess's champion—"

"Is her champion for a reason. I'm fine, Diamond. I even got water, if I need it." I reached down to my flask and shook it to show her that I had water, but it didn't make any sound. "…I _had_ water. I'll get it refilled next time I'm near a pump."

"I can do that for you!"

Truth be told, I was a little tempted to do it just to see if I could taste whatever she was going to do to my water, but I realized it was probably a bad idea. It helped that Flo was quietly urging me not to take her up on that.

"Nah. I'll be moving on soon enough and can refill it then."

"Are you suuure? I don't mind!"

_You know what… I can fuck with her._ I shrugged. "Alright." I pulled the canteen off my belt as Flo just sighed. "Nearest pump is a few hundred meters that way," I said, pointing off to our left, where a large patch of some kind of crop was that she could easily hide in to do her business. "Hurry back."

"Of course, Sir Navarone!" She took the canteen in her mouth because ponies have no sense of hygiene and started trotting off where I pointed, her tail wagging.

"Dammit Nav," Flo sighed.

I just shrugged and replied, "Who knows? It could be interesting."

"I want to say that I wonder about you sometimes, but I already know everything that goes on in your head. And I have to say, sometimes I'm disappointed."

"That's what you get for having expectations."

"Sometimes, with you, I expect nothing and still get let down." If the tone in her voice wasn't at least somewhat playful, I'd be pretty pissed at that. As it was, I just snorted and went back to work, wondering what kind of surprise little miss Tiara had in store for me.

Some fifteen minutes or so later, she returned with a rather blushed face, still holding my canteen in her mouth. I took it from her, saying, "Thanks, Diamond."

"N-no problem, sir." Her eyes widened as I popped the cap off and slowly lifted it up to my mouth. She didn't even notice me watching her expression, her eyes glued on my mouth. I took a long, slow draught and held it in my mouth, savoring the hint of the musky flavor I recognized very well. When I swallowed it, her breathing began picking up.

Then I leaned up and poured some of it over my face. She started panting at the sight of her love juices slowly sliding down my body and dripping onto the ground or going down my relatively loose britches.

"Really hits the spot," I said with a sigh, taking another long sip. "And tastes better than usual. You sure you used the right pump?"

"Y-y-yes! Nothing weird about that water at all! Do you want a refill?"

_Should I keep torturing her?_ Flo just sighed as I shook my head. "Nah. I really need to get back to work. Thanks for the water, Diamond."

"Of course... Uh, why were you already covered in water?"

"Sweat. Basically, it's really salty water."

She blinked in confusion. "Salt?"

"...You guys get high off that stuff, don't you? That explains a lot." _Like how all of my lovers are fucking crazy._ "Don't worry about it. Unless you were planning on licking me or something, it's not a problem."

She awkwardly giggled. "O-of course not. That would be... silly."

"Yeah. Anyway, I need to get back to work and you need to go enjoy your day off. I'll see you later, Diamond."

"Y-you too." With the way her tail was down, I think she was trying to hide something as she walked away. _Man, I really got her riled up, didn't I?_

"You're terrible, Nav."

"And you love every second of it, Flo." She just tutted as I went back to hoeing the shit out of some potatoes. "Still, that water is actually pretty good. I might have to get Doppel to prepare some for me." I think I could hear her repeatedly banging her head against something in my brain. I smiled and wondered who would get brain damage first, her or me.

A few hours later, Applejack came by to where I was staring at a long row of brussel sprout plants, wondering why I had even given her such horrible seeds. "Nav, you uh... you got a minute?"

"Hm? Yeah, I got time. I don't want to touch these horrible things anyway. Fuck, I hate brussel sprouts."

"Right. I just uh... wanted to apologize. I assumed a lot when I sent you to the cows and I realize that was wrong of me."

"That? I'm over it. No bad blood between us, as far as I'm concerned. I'm gonna take a break before I fuck with these things. Want a belly rub?"

She licked her lips greedily, thinking it over. After a second, she shook her head. "I cain't. Apples to harvest, after all."

"Applejack, if you don't take a nice long break, you'll wear yourself out. There's nothing wrong with taking some time off. I'm going over there next to that fence to take a break. You want to join me, feel free." I started walking over there and she lifted a hoof to follow me, but put it back down, unable to decide if she was coming or going. I stopped listening and just kept walking.

When I sat down and leaned against a tree that was used to hold up a gate on the fence, I saw her almost to the gate, following me. "I'm only doing this because the last time I tried harvesting with no breaks, I made everypony in town sick."

"Sure, sure. I won't tell them if you don't." She lied down on the ground next to me. After a second, I pulled her hat off her head. "Well, roll on over."

"Well... alright." Is it bad that I really find Applejack adorable when she's blushing like that? She rolled on her back, scooting closer to me. I began rubbing her tummy slowly. She sighed in delight as I worked, making me giggle.

After a few minutes of that, her breathing deepened and I realized that she was asleep. I decided to let her have a fifteen minute nap, pulling my hand away. I just leaned further back onto the tree and put her hat over my eyes.

When my time limit passed, Flo whispered, "Nav? Break time's over." I sighed and pulled the hat away.

When I looked down at Applejack, I saw that she was smiling at something in her dream. I put a hand on her chest and gently rocked her. "Time to stop dreaming all your pony dreams, Applejack," I said. She snorted and didn't move, still dreaming. I poked her a few more times, but she didn't move. So I leaned down even farther, lifted one of her ears, and blew into it.

She jumped up in shock, bumping into the gate. Her eyes jerked open and she hissed in pain, falling back on the ground and clutching at the back leg that hit the gate. "Oooh, Celestia!"

"Applejack, you are such a silly pony sometimes. You okay?"

"Yeah... I should be fine."

"Well, it's time to get back to work, I reckon. I want to get the finger things done before tomorrow and it'll get dark soonish. You good to go?"

"I'm fine." She rolled over and tenderly stood up, slowly putting weight on her back leg. "Yeah, I'm definitely fine. This was a nice little break, Nav. Might have to take some more time off after this." She looked around the ground for a second. "Just... where's my hat?"

I sat it down on her head. "There you go. I guess you need to get back to your trees. I'll be in this general area if you need anything."

"Alright. I'll see you later, Nav." She started walking off to her part of the farm while I went back to the accursed brussel sprouts.

"No, Nav, you can't burn down the crops. You gave her the seeds to plant, so you brought this upon yourself."

"Hey, I didn't say nothin'."

"You were thinking it." I just rolled my eyes and grabbed the first plant. _Let's get to work._

The next morning, we all gathered together in front of the barn as usual. "The cows're all milked and the finger fields are empty," Applejack said with a smile. "We're right on schedule. The rest of the apple trees, though... Well, we just ain't got enough hooves. Normally me and Big Mac could handle it fine ourselves and with all of y'all it shouldn't be that bad, but... Well, the zap apple trees just pulled a surprise blooming on us, too. They're magic and nopony understands how they work—aside from what Nav here told us, at least—so this was unexpected. Big Mac and I have to prepare those fields. We need more treekickers."

"You try asking around in town?" I asked. "Plenty of ponies there like you and would be willing to help."

"Everypony that's free was hired for other harvests going on around here. Sweet Apple Acres ain't the only farm next to Ponyville." She spared a glance to the Carrot family's farmhouse that was less than a kilometer away from her house and could clearly be seen. "I was expecting more support from the family."

"Nav can be a pony!" Pinkie suggested, giving me a big ol' grin. I narrowed my eyes.

"That's one idea," Applejack said, rubbing a hoof under her chin in thought. "That would be awfully useful, Nav. And I reckon the big guy here could probably shake the apples out of a tree. Two more kickers would be better than none."

"...What's this about Nav being a pony?" Braeburn asked.

"Surely there's another way," I said. "I can get a fucking contingent of night guards out here to help. And Cadance can probably get some day guards."

Twilight shook her head. "Guards have more important things to do than helping us farm, Nav. Like keeping everypony safe. Turning you into a pony is the easiest option. It would only be for a few hours each day, until the crops are done."

"Fuckin'... Fine. But only if I get Spike to help me out. You know I can't use those hooves for anything."

"I can do that," Spike said with a nod. "I can't help with the trees and Twilight can't turn me into a pony."

Twilight grinned and her horn lit up. "Whoa, hold on!" I quickly said. "I need to get out of these clothes first." Braeburn's ears shot up at that. "We'll do it in the barn. The cows are probably asleep, so we should be private."

She just rolled her eyes and followed me to the barn. I hear the others discussing something else behind us before I closed the doors. Her horn lit up, acting as a small flashlight as I stripped down. "So it's okay if I see you naked, but not them?"

"You should know this by now, Twilight. It's a human thing. Christ, I hate being a pony…"

"Well, if there was a better way, we'd use it. I don't want to risk burning anypony out, so we can't use too much magic. And Big Mac and Applejack are the only ones that know how to prepare for a zap apple harvest. We just really need more hooves. I would say you could pick them, but that would take too long."

"Yeah, I know. I just don't like it." I sighed, pulling the last of my clothes off. "Let's get this over with."

Her horn lit up much brighter and I felt the world changing around me. All my senses got jacked up and I fell forward, catching myself on my new hooves. All in all, it felt _wrong_. Just like usual. "You ready?" Twilight asked.

"Let me get the hang of walking again. Shouldn't take me but a second." I took a few experimental steps around the barn, hating myself for agreeing to do this. "Yeah, I'm good to go."

She nodded and pushed the barn doors open, leading the way into the unforgiving sun outside. When I got outside, I saw Braeburn's mouth drop, Cadance's eyebrows rise, and Applejack's nod of approval. Braeburn and Cadance had never seen me before, I don't think.

"Braeburn, you're about Nav's size. Take him and show him how to buck. Everypony else, you know your places. Let's go."

Everyone but Spike and Braeburn nodded and all began walking off. "Absolutely fucking hate this body," I sighed when we were alone.

"I don't know why," Braeburn said, walking around me in a circle to see all of me. "You're one of the most handsome ponies I ever did see!"

"Whatever. Let's get this shit over with. The sooner we're done, the sooner I can turn back."

Spike snorted and pulled himself onto my back. "At least you're easier to ride this way."

"Spike, are you saying you want to ride me all night long?"

"W-what? No!"

"Hey, I don't judge you. I know I'm sexy. You'd have to fight Braeburn off with a stick, though."

"I don't mind sharing! I mean… Let's just get started…"

"Well, lead the way. I don't know where we're going."

He started walking in some random direction into the fields. "Bucking ain't that hard, really. It's essentially just kicking a tree with both back legs. It's tiring, though. You gotta use most of the muscles in your body, some of which you don't use for much else. It's definitely a good workout. Pretty easy to pull something, too, so I'll run you through a few times to make sure you won't hurt yourself."

"You just want an excuse to touch my body, don't you?"

He looked back with a smirk. "I don't think you'd make me need a reason."

"That's what you get for thinking. Thankfully, Spike will keep your filthy mind in line."

"I'll what now?" Spike asked.

"If Braeburn's dirty hooves try to steal my innocence, you need to light him on fire."

"Wow, you gave me a really easy job. There's nothing left for him to steal!" Braeburn and Flo both giggled at that.

"Then if he touches me inappropriately, you need to light him on fire."

"Will do. I'm watching you, mister."

I think I saw a hint of a smile on Braeburn's face, but since he was facing the other direction I couldn't tell for sure. "I'll keep that in mind, part'. This here's a good practice area, I think. Watch what I do." He set up some baskets around the tree, turned around, and bucked it. It really didn't look that hard, all things told. Just gotta bend your body the right way. "See? No real problem. Now you try with that tree over there."

"Spike, set some baskets up."

He slid off my back with a, "You got it, Nav." I casually popped my neck as he set things up for me.

"So why cain't you do it?" Braeburn asked. "Not that hard."

"Because I don't have fingers. Don't you dare say I could use my hooves or my mouth, because I'll reach over there and slap a bitch."

He wisely decided not to comment. After a few seconds, Spike had the area set up. "All good to go!" he happily said, backing off.

"If I fall on my face, you aren't allowed to laugh. Four legs are… different."

They both said, "Right." I sighed, lifted up on two legs, and reared back. My eyes shot open in pain as my legs connected with the tree, my back and legs both burning in pain. I slid down, groaning.

They both ran over to me, Spike kneeling down and saying, "You okay, Nav?"

"He's not," Braeburn answered him. "I saw his back. Bent wrong. You stay here with him. He'll need a few minutes. I'll clear some of these trees around us off."

"Right." Braeburn started walking off and Spike looked down at me. "Well, at least it wasn't flat on your face. Still, the almighty Navarone, beaten by a tree." I swatted him with my tail. It probably would have stung on skin, but he just smiled when it hit his scales. "Don't worry. I won't tell anypony. I might be able to help, though. I read up on massaging when you mentioned that Aloe and Lotus might give me a job."

I tried telling him not to worry about it, but he was already rubbing his claws over my back and it felt… good. After he noticed me relaxing, he straddled my back and actually got to work. "At least I get to help you," he idly commented. "You're easier and more fun to deal with than most of the ponies, anymore."

"You just like me because of Doppel," I sighed, able to talk again.

"Well, she is fun. But I prefer being respected over spending time with Doppel. You always seem ready to give everypo-one the time of day. You treat me the same as anyone else and you always have, even when I was a kid."

"That's because I'm a terrible—not the wings!" He jerked his hands back immediately. "Never touch a pegasus's wings, Spike. Or a human's, for that matter."

"Alright, I won't. But Doppel always liked it when I touched hers."

"That's because it's a sex thing. I mean, if you really want to get me hot and bothered, feel free. But you better be ready to put that little dragon tongue to good use to finish what you start."

"I'll keep that in mind," he drily said, moving onto a different part of my body.

I was feeling much better at that point, so when Braeburn came back over and asked, "You ready to try again?" I was easily able to stand.

"Yeah. Thanks, Spike. You can get off me now." He slid on down. "So how do I kick this tree without breaking my back?"

"Stand on your forelegs and put your hind legs on the tree. I'll show ya how your body should be." I did as he asked, almost losing my balance in the process. I felt one of his hooves go to my back. "This right here's where you got hurt. It needs to go lower, which means you need to be further away from the tree." He gently pushed it down, making me carefully step forward on my two front legs. "There. Now your legs are better off." He slowly trailed his hoof down my back and then over my flank, making my fur stick straight out—the pony equivalent of goose bumps. "Mmm…"

"…Are you done?"

"What? Oh, yeah. You can try again." He didn't move his hoof until Spike snorted smoke and glared at him. When he saw that, he quickly moved away. I lowered my back legs before rearing back to kick the tree. This time there was considerably less pain, though kicking a tree still brings at least some. My efforts were rewarded by a rain of apples that all magically landed in the baskets Spike had set up.

"There. I can successfully kick a tree. My parents would be so proud." _If they weren't both dead._

"I know mine sure were when I first kicked all the apples out of a tree on my first try. But I reckon I'll have to save your present for later. For now, we got work to do. Get to buckin', Nav. And hey, maybe you'll even get a cutie mark out of it!"

"God, I hope not. I couldn't make pedophile jokes about me anymore if that was the case. Well, unless I was fucking the princesses. With as old as they are, it's always pedophilia."

"You are some kinda twisted, I swear," he sighed, shaking his head. "Let's just get to work. And don't worry about the baskets. Somepony'll be around to collect them and leave you empty ones eventually." He walked off to work on some other part of the farm, leaving me and Spike alone.

"Welp, let's get started. Set some buckets up around trees and I'll get to them as I get to them."

"You got it, Nav."

And so we began.

Bucking apples is boring as shit. I didn't get tired, not really. But Christ on a crutch, it just took forever! I lost track of time and didn't realize it was nearing nightfall until Braeburn came around to find me. "Well, you got about as many trees as I did on your first day. I gotta say, that's an achievement."

I blinked my way out of the reverie I had achieved and found that the sun was setting and Spike was curled up next to a tree, asleep. "I don't get tired easily. Plenty of energy and all that. We done for the day?"

"Yep. Time to head back to the farmhouse for dinner."

"Cool. I can finally get out of this shitty body. Just throw Spike over my back and we can go."

He hm'd as he did so, but didn't actually say anything. We began walking back in silence. Such was a day in the life of a farmer.

And such was the next two fucking days. Nothing of note happened, other than us finishing about eleven sixteenths of the apple harvest. And then the zap apples got ready and we had an entirely new set of crops to work with.

"Spike, fuck apples."

"At this point, I'm willing to agree." It was around midday, the sun was up and burning down on us, and we were taking a small break—not that Spike did much anyway.

"I don't really even _like_ apples anymore, not after so long of eating them. If I didn't tell AJ I'd help her, I'd just bail."

"At least we have Twilight to do most of the work for us."

"Spike, you ain't doing no work at all. But yeah, it's nice. Still, I wish some kind of wind would just knock all the damn apples out of the trees. Sure would save me a fuckton of time."

"If only."

Some kind of wind actually began blowing around us at that point. I snorted at the coincidence until the wind didn't stop. When I looked up into the trees, I saw that the apples were starting to move. "Think Twilight found a new spell?" I mused.

"I don't know, but this is pretty cool!" To punctuate Spike's sentence, the apples we were watching snapped from the tree and slowly fell to the ground.

"Well, whatever she did, that was definitely something."

Flo whispered, "I don't think that was Twilight, Nav." The wind continued blowing, moving onto a different tree. "I think I recognize that feel. Do you mind if I take over?"

_Sure._ "Spike, wait here. I'm gonna go see what's going on."

"Alright. The shade's pretty nice." I hopped up, letting Flo take over as we walked toward the tree with wind on it.

"So what is it?" I asked as we walked.

"I'll let you know if I'm right."

I faintly heard a giggling in the wind and knew something was up. Either Pinkie was involved or this was something completely unexpected.

"Waar kwam je vandaan, o vrije? Waarom ben je niet gevangen?" Flo asked. _What the absolute fuck?_

"A dobozból jöttem, folyó testvér. A szolgád tett szabaddá," was the answer whispered from the wind.

"Air elemental," Flo whispered in wonder. "What box?"

"In the museum. I've followed him for some time, toying with his enemies and helping him. The purple one was very amusing, though the pink one seemed to always avoid my efforts. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she knew I was there." The tone the elemental was using was airy and playful, but barely above a whisper. And she was still knocking apples down.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

There was laughter in the wind and the elemental responded, "Why would I? You sensed me before, but you ignored me. You weren't wearing your servant until now and I don't like talking to slaves. And I just know how possessive you waters are. I wouldn't intrude in your… _home_. But he helped free me so I figured I could stick around. Besides, he's an interesting one, something that reminds me of the old days for some reason."

"So you stuck around him because he attracts trouble."

"You could say that. This apple picking is so boring, though, so I decided to speed it up. I'm sure you understand."

"But what if the others see you?!"

"What if they do? There is only one thing that can trap an air elemental and he isn't around anymore."

"Yes he is. He's both alive and active, though in hiding."

The wind around the trees immediately stopped for a few seconds before continuing. "That's impossible. The earth elemental said he found a way to stop him."

"Stop, maybe. Kill, no. Do you realize just how long you've been trapped?"

"Too long. But if he hasn't noticed me yet, he won't notice me at all."

"Are you willing to take that risk, wind? After all that he did, all that he ruined… Would you be so willing to risk being trapped again?"

The wind slowed down. "This is the most noticeable thing I've done yet. What's life without a few risks, water?" The wind slowly picked back up. "I finally got free and I'll finally let myself have a bit of fun." She giggled again, caressing my body with her wind. "I might even go toy with that farmer… I know your slave was upset at her."

"She apologized and he forgave her. There is no need to be mean to her."

"Sure there is. It'll be fun, after all. I'll be back sooooon!" Before Flo could reply, the apples stopped falling and the airy sensation disappeared.

"What a bitch," I commented in my head.

"A useful one. Take back control." I felt myself thrust back into reality. "One we need to ensure the loyalty of. At least now I knew that I wasn't going crazy when I felt her before."

"So how do we go about making her loyal?"

"…The only thing I can think of is telling her that you'll be freeing the fires."

"Weren't we planning on, like, not doing that?"

"The plan was to let them out only if they behaved or would be useful. No one said when we had to do it."

"Well, if she comes back we can talk to her. I don't think it would be a good idea to be around her while she's doing something to Applejack..."

"Hey Nav, why'd the wind stop?" Spike asked, appearing right next to me. "And who are you talking to?"

"Myself. And I don't know. Just work on getting all the apples that the wind knocked out into baskets. I'll keep kicking. Maybe it was just a freak wind from the Everfree. You know how that place is."

"Yeah... Back to work?"

"Back to work. If you see it happening again, let me know."

"You got it." He sighed as he looked over the apples on the ground, mumbling, "So much for not having to do anything." I ignored him and got back to kicking the trees, wondering what that air elemental could be up to.

Half an hour later, my question was answered when I got smacked in the face with a blue ribbon. "What?" I hoofed at it, trying to grab it to see it, but then it blew off to flutter in the air elemental as she rolled around in a mini-tornado, full of ribbons of various colors and sizes.

"Oh, that treekicker is so easy to toy with..." the elemental whispered as she danced around me, doing no real damage other than being annoying. "She chased me all over the farm, trying to catch her precious ribbons and medals. Oh, there she is now!" The elemental disappeared, the ribbons all throwing themselves at me and somehow sticking to my coat.

"Nav, where'd that tornado go!? It flew off with—What in tarnation?"

"I have no idea," I answered. "Can you get these things off me?"

"What happened around here?" Applejack asked, looking around the area to see Spike picking apples up from trees that had considerably fewer leaves than they should.

"That 'tornado' hit here first. If I had to guess, I'd say it came out of the Everfree. We're pretty close, after all."

"...If you say so. At least it took down some apples, even if it did do some damage to the trees—not to mention the farmhouse! Granny Smith sure was spooked."

"I can imagine. Now again, can you get these things off me?"

She sighed, walking over to me. "You know, if you learned to use your hooves, this wouldn't be a problem." She started pulling ribbons off me, dropping them on the ground.

"And if you learned to accept monetary donations as a means of volunteering, I wouldn't have to have hooves in the first place. What are these things, anyway?"

"Rodeo ribbons. Don't know how they all got loose, but I guess anything's possible when it comes to the Everfree..."

"Meh. I wonder if it caused any more damage..." She shot straight up at that. Given that her head at that point was under my chest, her head slammed into my jaw and if I had been unluckier I might well have lost my damn tongue.

"I didn't even think abo—Ooh, my head..." I was too busy clutching at the agonizing pain in my jaw to mention that it wasn't just _her_ head that she tried to break with that.

"If you broke all my teeth again I am going to be so pissed..." I finally muttered a few seconds later.

She managed to pry an eye open and glance at my bared teeth. "You're fine, Nav. Sorry 'bout that. I just didn't even think about anypony else getting hurt! I gotta go check on everypony!" Before I could check on her to see if she was also okay, she bounded away into the orchard.

"What was _that_ about?" Spike asked, walking up and munching on an apple.

"Applejack being silly. Can you get these damn ribbons off me?"

"Hm? Whoa, where'd those come from?"

"Don't know, don't care, get them off me."

"Sure thing, I guess." He walked over and started using his claws to peel the damn ribbons out of my fur. "These look like Applejack's rodeo ribbons!"

"They are. She told me that before she headbutted me and ran off."

"Headbutted you? That doesn't seem like her at all."

"Eh, I deserved it. Cracked one too many dumb blonde jokes and she got mad because I was using too many big words."

"...Okay." He pulled the final ribbon off. "There. Now what should I do with these?"

"Bundle them up with some twine and I'll take them back to the farmhouse. You can stay on back and finish picking up the apples out here."

"Hey, why do you get to go back?" he sourly asked.

"Because I've been doing all the work and I haven't eaten since last night. I'll just drop these off, get a small snack, and then come back out here."

"Fine, whatever. Give me a minute to find something to tie them with." While he scavenged around, I took the time to stretch. After all the work I had been doing, my body was getting annoyingly stiff. It felt good to pop some joints and limber up. All too soon, Spike came back with the ribbons all tied together with some kind of twine. "Here you go. Where do you want them?"

I lifted a wing. "Tuck them under there, I guess. I'll hold onto them that way." He shrugged and stuck them in place, letting me cover them with the wing. "There. Not going anywhere, now. I'll be back soonish, I hope."

"Bring back something to eat for me, too."

"You've been eating apples all day, dude."

"I know, I know... I'm still hungry, though."

"Fatty. Sure, I'll see if I can bring something back. See you soon, Spike." He waved as I started jogging back toward the farmhouse. "So what are we going to do about that air elemental?" I asked aloud.

"For now, nothing. We'll have to wait until she shows herself again. Now that I know she's there, I can start actively hunting for her, but it'll be slow going. Tracking them is always such a pain..."

"If we don't find her by the time I planned on leaving, should I postpone the trip?"

"No. She'll follow you. If an air elemental is interested in something, they will go to the ends of the earth to watch it. And they're fast enough to do it, too. Just don't worry about her for now, Nav. I'll be watching and I'll let you know when to act."

"Alright. Now what did she mean by slave?"

Flo sighed. "Air elementals have a very different viewpoint on taking hosts. They believe in total freedom in all things and don't like that we intrude in the lives of others as we do. It never occurs to them that their pranks often do more harm than we ever do. They would only ever take a host for the purpose of entertainment, to have eyes in more places than just on themselves. The only host they would ever consider would be one with a similar mindset that could either fly or live underwater, where they can't go."

"To be fair, I fucking hate that you see into all of my thoughts and know everything I'm going to do before I do it."

"I know, Nav. But it's how it works. I can't help that I see what I see. At least you know that if I say something, it's because I don't want any harm to come to you or those around you. An air elemental would ignore anything you thought, constantly whispering ideas for pranks or other mean things into your mind. It takes a very... interesting... soul to be able to live with an air in their head."

"...She's not going to actively go around looking for hosts, is she?"

"I don't know. If she was going to, I think she would have done it by now. Just be wary if we ever get her on our side. She might go after some of the crew on the ship. It would be inconvenient if our resident griffin went insane."

"I think that counts as more than inconvenient... If we do get her, I'll tell everyone to watch out for her."

The rest of the trip was spent in silence. I think it took me about five minutes to make it to the house. I knocked on the door. Applebloom opened it on up for me. "Heya there, Nav! Whatcha need?"

I lifted my wing to drop the ribbons on the ground. "Applejack wanted me to get these back here. Don't know where they came from."

"Her ribbons? That's weird. Also, Braeburn wanted your help with something! He's in the barn."

"Huh. Did he say what he needed?"

"Nope. He just asked me to tell you. I was about to go out to look for you, too!"

"Guess I saved you some time, then. I _was_ gonna eat... But I guess it can wait until after I find out what he wants. Talk to you later, Applebloom."

"Yep! I gotta get to work, too, with all the zap apple preparation. Have fun!"

I snorted softly as I started walking to the barn. _Have fun working? Yeah right._ When I got over there, I found that the front doors were closed. "Huh." I kicked one. "Braeburn, you in there?"

The door slowly opened on its own. I just shrugged and walked on in, looking around. Before I could see anything, the door slammed shut. I blinked in the sudden darkness, waiting for my eyes to adjust. Before they could, a lantern turned on, revealing something very shocking...

(You knew this was coming. Don't even lie. Ctrl+f "Sex is over" to skip)

Before me stood Braeburn in an outfit that made my jaw drop. A heavily embroidered silk saddle hung around his midriff, laced in place and tightened. On each of his long legs was a stocking with small bows holding a frilly top in place. Around his neck was a black collar-type necklace with a red apple broach in the middle. Behind one of his ears was a lily, held in place by his long hair. His tail was tied around the base by some string, keeping it up. And he was sporting a hard-on that could make Stephen Magnet blush.

"Well... what do you think?" he asked, a small blush present on his face.

"W-what? Where did you... How..." I started slowly backing to the door, feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

He began advancing faster than I was backing away. "Shh, Nav. Your friend Rarity helped me with the outfit. I figure, you and me, we could do some small celebrating for getting the harvest almost done."

My flank was against the barn door at this point. "I... I don't know..."

He continued advancing, his half-lidded green eyes showering me with attention. "Tell me no." I opened my mouth and he picked that moment to lean in and kiss me, taking my breath away. He pulled back after a few seconds. "Tell me you don't want it." He kissed me again, widening my eyes. "All you have to do is say—" He interrupted himself by stealing another kiss. "—that you don't want it." He nuzzled my neck, leaning down. "Just say it," he whispered, kissing my neck and wrapping his front leg around me. "Just say it and I'll never bother you again."

I gulped, feeling very, very confused. On one hand, this was a stallion and I was trying not to have sex as much. On the other hand, he obviously went through a lot of trouble for this and I was beyond the relapse stage.

He interrupted my thoughts with another kiss, worming his long pony tongue into my mouth for a few seconds before pulling a few inches away. "What'll it be, Nav?" he whispered, casting his longing green gaze into mine.

That made up my mind. _What's one time? I've done so, so much worse. _Slowly, ever so slowly, I extended my neck and met his lips with mine. He moaned into my mouth, knowing that he won. Our tongues met and entwined, my mind still wrapping itself around what I agreed to do.

After a minute of making out, I was feeling myself grow very ready for what he hopefully had in mind. He finally pulled away, smirking at what he saw twitching under me. He moved the leg around my neck to my chin. "I know I'm your first stallion, Nav." He gently pulled me in for a small peck on the lips before saying, "I ain't stickin' nothing in ya, so you don't need to worry about that. You just come on over here and I'll take real good care of you."

He began backing up, leading me along by the hoof on my chin, goading my somewhat dazed mind with the occasional peck on the lips to keep me going. When he stopped, I realized that his back was against a large hay bale.

"You just put your front legs on up here, Nav. I'll get you ready..." My ears twitched at that and he giggled huskily. "Oh come on, now. Don't you worry 'bout a thing, Nav." I slowly lifted my legs up, putting my body slightly in the air. "There we go. Don't peek!"

I took a deep breath and kept it in for a few seconds, slowly letting it out. When I started taking another, my breath hitched as I felt something very warm sliding along my large equine erection.

"Now, now, just you relax. Braeburn's gonna take mighty fine care of you," he calmly said as the sensation continued. "I just gotta make sure both of us can have a good time. This here should last for a good long while, I do believe." He was applying some kind of lube on me, I think, slowly teasing it along my length, making me shift my legs in anticipation. "Mmm... I always like to see 'em squirm like that. It's a good sign that I'll be having a good night. You'll treat me right, won't you Nav?"

"Y-ooh! Yes!"

"Now that's what I like to hear!" He began picking up speed, pushing further in with his soft hooves as he applied the solution to my stallionhood. "Mm mm mm! Sure is a shame I don't have your fingers... or your wings. They'd make this a lot more fun, I just know it."

"T-they do." I tried moving mine down to help him, but when I attempted to move them they didn't go anywhere. I looked to my right to see that my wings were fully extended and twitching.

One of his hooves went to my left wing and stroked it. "Ooh yeah. Pegasi are always fun to play with. And it's always so fun to tease them in the middle of town and watch them fight to keep their wings down." He finally moved the hoof applying the lube to the head of my shaft, making it throb in anticipation. "There we go! You're all set." Both of his hooves withdrew and I felt him moving around under me before he started scooting up the hay bale under me, on his back. He grinned when he met my eyes. "I hope you don't mind the position. I always did like lookin' 'em in the eyes."

"I... Okay." Honestly, I didn't care. Missionary as a pony sounded really weird, but he had obviously done it before, so whatever. "Are you ready?"

"Waitin' on you, part'. Just go nice and slow to get me started." I slowly eased forward, trying to find a small hole that I couldn't see and fit a massive sausage into it. My first attempt was a miss, bringing my shaft and his on top of each other, rubbing my lubey meatstick on his soft one. When I felt our sacks touch, I sighed. _Welp, it's official. Balls have touched. Now I'm gay. Great._ He misinterpreted the sigh. "I know you missed, but that ain't so bad. Just keep on trying."

I shrugged and pulled back, trying again. I overshot that time, sticking it in his luscious tail. Proving that the third time's occasionally lucky, I finally prodded his rear. "You ready?" I whispered. He just nodded, grinning in anticipation. I slowly pushed in, my lubed head gently stretching his flankhole. With what felt like a twitch, the tip popped in and I stopped. Braeburn let out a long breath, seemingly relaxing while my eyes widened at the tightness.

"Keep going," he whispered before leaning up and kissing me again. After a second of deliberation, I slowly pushed further in, marveling at the wonderful sensations I was getting. "That's... it..." he whispered between breaths, relaxing himself to take all of me inside. After a few seconds, I was fully hilted in him. "Just... give me a moment," he his lower lip.

I took a deep breath before leaning in and kissing him, trying to help him relax. He seemed to appreciate it, loosening up some on me. I pulled back and quietly asked, "You ready?"

"I'm... yes. Been a little while." I slowly started pulling out. "Ooooh, Celestia." I grinned, lowering my body to aim my thrusts a little higher, hoping to rub against his little prostate. I didn't know exactly where it was, but if you aim in the general direction with a nuke you'll still hit your target.

When I was most of the way out of him, I slowly began pushing back in. His eyes squeezed shut and he bit his lower lip, squeezing down on me with his muscles as I pushed in and up on his prostate. He moaned lightly when I got a certain depth in. When I heard that, I stopped pushing and started grinding. He repaid my actions by whimpering and clenching down, tightening around me and making me wish I didn't have reduced feeling in my stallion body.

"First... time... my... ass!" he moaned.

I smirked, breathing out, "Yes. This... is... my first... time in... your ass. Maybe not... the last..."

He just groaned and I stopped grinding, instead pushing further in. When I hilted again, he forced his eyes open to meet mine. As I started pulling back out, he uttered out a single word: "Faster."

I grinned and began picking up speed as I pulled out. I felt his body tighten when I passed over his prostate again, so I was sure at that point where it was. When I was almost all the way out, I began pushing back in even faster, his body slowly lifting up as I pushed in.

He sighed as I began pulling out again, the lube he used making an interesting schlicking sound as I freed myself. I continued picking up speed for my new lover, making him rock faster and faster as my cock marionette. As his moans began picking up, so too did the muscle contractions I was feeling squeezing me, tightening around every vein on my large pleasure rod.

Finally, he moaned one last time before saying, "Slow down!" I did so almost immediately, stopping right on his prostate and grinding. "N-Nav!" With that last cry, a thick line of cum shot out of the tip of his erection, coating his cute little saddle and face with his gunk. At the same time, the muscles I was feeling began going haywire, squeezing me like mad and making me thrust without even meaning to. He cried out in pleasure as I pounded him again. Shrugging to myself and figuring that if I could keep going, he could too, I began pulling out again to keep going.

He whimpered when he realized I wasn't quite done. The large blush on his face from his coital bliss fit in beautifully with his green eyes... And the goofy grin he had there made me feel great. I kept pounding away, my sack gently getting caressed by his silky-soft tail. Even though he was slowly softening from his orgasm, he was still moaning like a little slut every time I pressed against his prostate, gasping for breath.

I think I proved to myself that guys actually _can_ have multiple orgasms when Braeburn's moans reached a crescendo again, his front legs going down against the hay bale and his face going crosseyed, the blush he had deepening even brighter. This second set of muscle contractions finally made me slow down enough to feel them squeezing me. I squeezed my eyes shut and nuzzled his nose with mine, letting myself finally feel what he was doing to me.

Even though I think I fucked poor Braeburn silly, his body knew how to treat me and was squeezing in all the right ways as he hit his peak. I was able to let myself go and give into it, twitching inside of him once before cumming, a week or two of unspent cum pouring inside of his poor, tortured colon. I felt myself thrust one final time as I finally hit my limit, expelling my life-making juice deep inside the most barren of holes.

When I felt that I was completely spent and that his body could squeeze no more from me as much as it tried, I slowly pulled out with a loud and wet pop, freeing myself from his insides. He moaned one last time when I was finally free, whispering, "That was amazing..."

"I'll say," I panted, grinning at the release I finally felt. I leaned back down and kissed him again. "I think that was worth it..."

Then I heard a throat clear.

("Sex is over")

My ears immediately drooped as I slowly turned my head to the door. I saw three ponies standing there. Cadance had both of her wings fully outstretched and a look that was part shock and part... eager? Big Macintosh had a look of completely blank horror on his face. And of course, Rarity was smirking, a smug look on her face.

"Nnnnnnnooooooppppppppppeeeeee!" Big Mac just turned right around and walked off. He didn't say a single other word.

"Enjoying yourselves, I see?" Rarity happily asked.

"Yes. Yes we are. What of it?" I asked back, pushing myself away from the hay bale.

"Oh, nothing, nothing... I'm just thinking about something you told me a few months ago, is all. About how you _weren't_ gay."

"Bitch please. What do you even want?"

"Oh, me? I was just going to ask Braeburn how his little... date went. This is the best review of my new clothing line I've gotten yet."

My eyes moved over to the pink princess. "And you? What did you want, Cadance?"

She finally blinked, her eyes moving away from Braeburn's labored breathing. "Huh what? Nav, that was... Can you... Never mind. I have good news! Shining Armor says I can finally go home!"

I weakly grinned, tired from my exertions but happy to hear that she could finally get the hell out of my house. "That's wonderful. Now both of you get the fuck out."

"A quick question before I go," Cadance quickly said. "Do you mind... celebrating with me and Shiny?"

"As long as you don't mean anything sexual by that, I don't mind. Now shoo. And uh... you might want to watch your wings."

Cadance looked to her side and blushed, noticing that she was showing her arousal to the world. With a force of will, she shoved her wings down. "Let's go, Rarity. And uh... do you think you could make Shiny an outfit like that?"

I didn't hear Rarity's answer as the barn doors closed tight and I turned back to Braeburn. "Hear that? I have something else to celebrate!" I happily said, putting my legs back on the hay bale and grinning down on him. "I hope you're ready for round two..."

I think it was another hour before I finally got back out into the fields, a small grin on my face and a spring in my step. Spike was glaring off in the distance. When he finally heard me coming, he shouted, "About time you got back! What took you so long?!"

"Braeburn needed my help with something. I had to deal with that."

"Oh yeah, sure, leave Spike behind while you go have kinky sex. C'mon, Nav!"

"Hey, it wasn't kinky at all! It was standard missionary. Unless you count some people barging in on us as kinky, at least."

"Yeah, well—Wait, what?"

"Oh, nothing. Let's get back to work."

"No seriously, what?"

"I just fucked Braeburn's brains out, that's what. Now do you want to get this finished or not?"

"...Alright." He sounded very, very stunned at that revelation. "So wait, are you really gay?"

"Hey, your mom might be masculine, but sleeping with her doesn't make me gay!"

"...Because if you've been holding out on me, we've been missing out."

"No, it's cool."

"Alright, me neither..." A very awkward silence took over as we got back to work.


	87. Chapter Eighty-Five

**Chapter Eighty-Five**—No, Nav. You are the demons.

The rest of harvest went swimmingly. I got my percentage of the crops and part of it went to the airship to be stored for later use while some of it was kept at my house. Coffee takes a while to prepare so I didn't have any of that for immediate use, sadly.

Cadance left immediately after harvest. We all tried to get her to go home sooner, but she refused to leave a job half finished. Braeburn didn't stick around much longer; he left a day after she did.

And so things returned to normal for my little dysfunctional family. Diamond Tiara finally stopped fucking around and actually taught Eva to read. All the hints I dropped that I knew Diamond was only taking so long because she wanted an excuse to get into my house finally got through her skull.

The horrible nightmares I gave her helped, I think.

November flew by easily enough, though Doppel was very curious about why I was so insistent on cuddling with her for a week—I'm not so quick to forget Luna's estrus cycle, not after what happened to me. And despite Flo's looking, we didn't see hide nor tail of that air elemental. December soon set in with the cold only it can provide.

And with December's cold entrance came the first sign that trouble was brewing: I opened the beleaguered door to find Rarity standing in front of me in a warm looking scarf and little else. _If I know what's best for me, I think I'd slam this door shut._ "What do you need, Rarity?" I sighed, crossing my arms as the warm air inside began leaking out the door.

"Not even going to invite me in?" she tittered. I just lifted an eyebrow. "Fine, fine. I just happen to have a long week off coming up and I was wondering... Do you remember the idea for a little competition you had some time ago?"

"No, I don't. And I'm sure if I don't remember it, it probably can't be that important."

"Oh, on the contrary! It sounded quite interesting. If I recall, it was a politeness competition, or something of that nature. We would swap personalities for the day and be judged by our peers upon who was more accurate."

"Not ringing any bells. If that's all, I was kinda in the middle of something." No I wasn't. I was just looking for something to do, at this point; it was too cold to easily practice sword fighting, so I sent the naga home to see his family before we left for the trip.

"I believe it was during the wedding...?"

"Which one?" I asked, scratching at the chin hairs that were coming in.

"The royal one between Cadance and Shining Armor, of course. Surely you remember!"

"That would be why I _don't_ remember, actually. If you'll recall, I was struck by several mental spells at that time. I don't remember shit about that wedding. Like, it's just a blank hole in my mind at this point. Why would you just bring this up now, of all times?"

"Well, you've been sitting at home for a while now. I don't think anypony's seen you in town in weeks. You obviously aren't doing anything and I have a week off coming up. I figured we could both use some excitement!"

"...And you didn't stop to think about how this would ruin your reputation, if you acted how you think I act?"

"That's the beauty of my plan, Nav! I have an idea that'll work out so that neither of us will be impacted negatively, as long as we both stick to our characters."

I sighed, having a feeling I was going to regret the next words out of my mouth. "I'm listening."

She grinned and said, "Do you remember that time Twilight messed up a spell all those years ago?" I let the silence build for a few seconds before she realized what she just said. "The time when she made you swap bodies, I mean. I believe you entered Taya's body."

"Oh yeah, I remember that."

"Then you should also remember that I know the spell that Twilight used to swap the bodies around in the first place. I know it and I can cast it. If I use that, we can turn into each other perfectly! Then we just get somepony to act as judges for each of us and we won't have to worry about ruining my—or our—reputations. Everypony wins."

"...Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Oh posh! What's the worst that could happen? I'm sure this'll be quite fun, don't you agree?"

Well, seeing what it's like to be Rarity would be somewhat interesting. And hell, I was looking for fucking anything to take my mind off the unrelenting boredom I was feeling. So I foolishly shrugged. "Alright, I'm in. How do you want to do this?"

"It's quite simple, really. Each of us will plan things that the other can do during the day. Somepony we know very well will follow each of us around and rate us based on how we did at those tasks. At the end of the day, we'll get back together and decide the winner!"

"Cool, that sounds easy enough. So Taya's going to be following you around in my body?"

"Yes, should you choose to use Taya. I will probably use Sweetie Belle. I would use Fluttershy, but she wouldn't be very useful as a judge. Oooh, this is going to be so much fun!"

I held up a hand. "Hold on, now. You can't be requiring me to do something like making a dress. Nothing that we'll be doing should require us to know skills that the other doesn't know."

"I'm aware, Nav. The things I have planned will be very easy, trust me. All you have to do is stay in character and stay on schedule."

"Awesome. Just so I'm sure: You know how to fly, right? I remember hearing stories about you with wings."

She nodded. "I have... some practice with it, yes. But Taya can't fly, can she?"

"Maybe. It was just a thought. Let me know when you want to do this and give me the schedule beforehand so we can make sure the activities don't conflict."

"Of course. I must say, it's a surprise you actually agreed to this. I figured you wouldn't be interested at all."

"Rarity, I'm bored out of my fucking mind right now. The only things I have left to do are write more books that almost no one reads, continue hunting the forest dry, or continue building things. My house is almost empty, so I lost most sources of entertainment. I'm grasping at whatever I can find to keep myself entertained."

"...You know, everypony in town would love it if you visited more often. Every time we do anything together, we always debate inviting you, but we realize that you're a knight with important duties. If we knew you were this bored, we would have found ways to keep you entertained."

"Knight my ass. I haven't heard word from Luna since Nightmare Night. Even in the world of dreams, she's been silent."

"...World of dreams?"

"Yeah. Being Luna's knight and having helped her with something a while back means I'm able to do the dream walking shit she does. I've been helping her police nightmares for two months or so now. Hell, I've even pulled you out of one or two." _That I 'accidentally' caused._

"Huh. I trust I won't be required to do anything with that?"

"Of course not. It takes hours of training even to be able to get out of your own dream. Just trust me when I say that it would be best if we swap back before nightfall."

"Why is that?"

"What part of 'just trust me' do you find hard to understand? It would be bad for me to fall asleep in any body that isn't this one."

"Very well... I wasn't planning on making it last that long anyway. Now, I need to go make plans! Tata for now!" And with that, Rarity began trotting away, her tail bouncing to and fro as she merrily went on her way.

I closed the door, wondering just what exactly I got myself into this time. Then I shrugged and began thinking of what exactly I could get Rarity into this time...

Rarity came by the next day with a schedule and a small list of rules and conditions. "I believe your day should be relatively easy," she said with a smile as she made herself comfortable on my couch.

I looked over the rules and conditions first. "Let's see... No going out of Ponyville unless it's an emergency, sure. Nothing violent?" I looked up and saw her giving me a flat look. "Fair enough." My gaze moved back down to the rules. "No sex. Good, you better not take advantage of my virginal body." She snorted as I kept reading. "No purposefully besmirching each other's name. No shit." That was it for rules. "What happens if one of these is broken?"

"The contestant that breaks the rule forfeits, of course."

"Go figure. Is the winner actually going to get something?"

She sweetly grinned. "If _I_ win... you have to do something I want you to."

"And if I win?"

"A public admittance of what Pinkie and I did. Well, what I did. I won't drag Pinkie down with me."

"...Deal, as long as whatever you request doesn't hurt me."

"Oh, you don't need to worry about that. It'll even be good for you, though I imagine you won't agree at first."

"Oh God, I bet you want me to read more of that anime bullshit. Or cosplay, since I'm the only human you have. But I already agreed. Let's see the schedule..." I pulled it up and started reading over it. "Spa with Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle. Hm, are they going to comment on Sweetie being there?"

"Of course not. I occasionally bring her. And she does have to be your judge, after all."

Shrugging, I continued reading. "Shopping. Write me out a list and I'll have no problems. Cup of tea with Twilight, easy enough. Some time to freshen up and maybe some house cleaning—you just want to pawn your cleaning off on me, I bet. And finally, a picnic with all your friends. Easy day. I don't usually make schedules... but I'll see what I can do. Quick question: Do you consider Applejack's farm and Fluttershy's pad part of Ponyville?"

"Well, technically. But remember: All that time walking comes out of the time I could be in town, losing."

"Noted. Speaking of that, you'll have to practice walking. Tripping over your feet and busting my face means serious points docked, since I wouldn't do that. Anyway, I'll get a schedule to you in a few days. When are we doing this?"

"In one week from today. I shall be over here early in the morning, so I may get some practice walking before the day begins properly."

"Cool. Oh, and no taking advantage of having a maid. I'll give Doppel the day off so you can't abuse her with your spastic needs."

"I... actually hadn't thought of that. But don't you take advantage of her all the time?" she coyly asked. "And aren't I supposed to act like you?"

I gave her a dirty grin. "You said sex was against the rules. That's how _I_ take advantage of her."

"Well... I admit to being curious about _some_ aspects of a different body... But I wouldn't do anything without your permission and definitely not before the competition is over!"

"Eh, I'll give you a bj before we turn back. Fair warning: my body has deadened physical contact because of nerve damage and being part tree."

"How... Well, I suppose I could _try_ it... As long as you don't tell anypony, of course."

"You of all people know that I'm relatively discreet. Don't you worry about a thing. You need anything else while you're here?"

"Well..." She looked around the room, her eyes focusing on the window. "I've been meaning to say something. Don't take this the wrong way, Nav, but... your drapes are awful. Green is such a spring color! So much of your house is like that... I'll admit the building is imposing, but there's so much you could do to fix it!"

"Rarity, no one even comes out here to visit all that often. Aside from you, I've only had Derpy coming by to drop the mail off as company for around a week now. Until then, it was only Spike every few days for nearly a month."

"Well... you do live a rather long distance out of town. But that's no excuse for you not coming into town yourself. Or for your house not looking the best it could look!"

I shrugged. "It's easy to fall into old habits. Back in my world I was a recluse. With no excuses to deal with people, I didn't deal with them. And without Twilight or Cadance forcing me to do shit, I don't have any reason to deal with people. So here I am."

"That's quite... depressing, Nav. You know that Twilight would let you move back in with her if you asked, right? I think anypony would. But you'd probably have to get rid of your changelings, or find rooms for them elsewhere."

"I'm not bemoaning my fate, Rarity. I knew what would happen when I moved out here. I'm quite alright with it. Besides, now that I've actually started supplementing my diet with meat, I've been feeling healthier and stronger. I wouldn't be able to do that in town, nor would I be able to help Spike do the same."

Her gaze narrowed slightly. "You shouldn't be giving Spike meat, Nav. For Celestia's sake, he's just a..." She caught her own mistake without me needing to remind her, making her look away. "I suppose he isn't a foal anymore, is he? And he is definitely a dragon... A meat eater. I just wish I had seen it all sooner." She looked down and depressed for some reason.

"Oh well, them's the breaks. Though I don't know how you didn't realize that he was a meat eater. I mean, that should be obvious."

"You know what I meant! He always was such a gentlecolt... Though I suppose it's better we each find somepony of our own race."

"Yeah, have fun with that. I sure won't have any problems finding me a human wife, I bet."

"Nav, you know I don't count you in that. Although it probably wouldn't be that hard to go back in time again and find somepo—one willing to come back with you."

"Wouldn't matter if I could or couldn't. I'm effectively sterile. Nothing I can do would get a human pregnant. Well, unless I ate that fruit from the Everfree."

She blinked in surprise. "Fruit? What fruit?"

I shrugged. "Some kind of pink banana or something. If you eat it, you'll go crazy and rape the first thing of the opposite gender you see. According to Zecora, that will result in a pregnancy, no matter the races."

"That is... interesting. Why didn't I know about that?"

"Because Twilight and I haven't exactly told many people. Something like that could be used as a weapon. And God, just imagine the horrors a half pony, half griffin would face. Although it would be pretty funny if a unicorn fucked a griffin and had a unicorn with griffin wings. I wonder if the kid would be crowned royalty..."

Rarity giggled. "Maybe. There are few enough alicorns... Though I don't know if we really need more royalty. That would be up to Celestia, though. And Luna, I suppose. It's still strange to think of there being two princesses in charge."

"And Cadance."

"Yes, but what does she actually _do_, aside from make public appearances?"

"Live in my house and be annoying. Or at least, she used to. Going on two months now without having her here. It's been... quiet."

"Oh? Do you miss her?"

"Well, I definitely miss her cooking. I'm not bad at it and neither is Taya, but we're not her. Doppel can't cook worth a damn, though. Probably because she doesn't have a working nose or tastebuds. I'm afraid to allow Eva or any of her personalities near the stove."

"Why is that? Are you still worried about her possibly hurting you?"

"Nah, I'm over that. No, I just realized that I never asked exactly how old she was when I decided to take her in. I thought she was just small. Turns out she's just a little older than Taya—not that they ever gave me a year age, of course. And she is, of course, a lot less mature. The other three are better and mostly older, but they still have the whole changeling problem."

Rarity shuddered thinking about it. "I don't think I could manage having different ponies in my mind like that..."

"It isn't really different people. They're all just different aspects of the same person. Like, say you split your mind up. You could put your creativity and work ethic in one place, your childishness and carefreeness in another, and your mature mindset in a third. That way you wouldn't be distracted as easily when working on a dress and the moment you get a visitor, you can switch to your mature mindset while your creative mind stays on task, designing the dress in your head."

"I... suppose I could see the use in that. But it would still be very strange. I just don't think it would be something I'd want to do. I'm surprised Twilight hasn't come to talk your ear off about it yet."

"She has. Multiple times. When I don't tell her how I did it with Eva, she gets quite upset and leaves in a huff before I could explain anything else. She's more interested in how it works than why it works and what can be done with it, which I suppose makes sense. The whys and the uses aren't very helpful if she can't replicate it."

"Then why don't you tell her?"

"Because it has to do with a certain trip you invited yourself along on. I thought it prudent that Twilight not learn about some aspects of our vacation."

"I still don't see why it matters if they know. But I trust your judgment on the matter. Aside from spreading the wonders of anime, I haven't said a word about it. And you know, much of the fandom would be quite pleased if you were to visit a little convention we were thinking about putting together."

"You couldn't pay me enough to make me go to spaghettifest: pony edition. If you want me to go, you better win the competition thing we have going on and make that your request."

"Very well... though I heard Princess Luna might make an appearance. I imagine she would be pleased if her knight was there."

"Don't care, not going. I absolutely do not want to be squeed over or glomped or anything else you mouthbreathers do."

"...Mouthbreather? Navarone, I believe you are projecting prejudices from your world over to this world. I can assure you that you would be given the utmost of respect. You might be requested to do a few things, but I'm sure it wouldn't be anything you wouldn't mind doing."

"Don't care, still not going. God, I bet your request would be me using the gender stones and dressing up as a schoolgirl to get 'raped' in a reenactment. You have just the kind of mind that would think of that, you dirty girl."

She jerked back when I said that, blushing up a storm. I couldn't tell if she was angry or flustered. "I would _not_ do that! That is just... ugh, disgusting!" She paused for a moment, looking away and muttering. Eventually she said, "Although... Well, Princess Luna's hair... I know it can be done after that horrid business with Princess Celestia and Fleur a while back. Seriously, what ever could have come over her!? Did you ever talk to her about that?"

I shrugged. "She brought it up once or twice. Seemed rather upset by it. I probably would be too, all things told. She said that her personal business was just that: Personal. It isn't the business of everyone what or who she does in her spare time."

"But to have an affair with a married mare! I imagine that scandal will follow her for some time."

"Probably. She should have known better than to do it on the ground floor, where she would be easily accessed by cameras. Though I suppose that makes the affair all the more risqué and enjoyable."

"Speaking from experience, hm?" she slyly asked.

"No, of co—Wait, shit. I did have illicit relations with a maid in the same room, but I had a very good reason. She was blackmailing me at the time and I was in a hurry. I don't think she was married, thankfully. It was just a good fingering, either way."

Rarity face-hooved. "Nav, you can be so... Celestia, just _awful_. What was she even blackmailing you with?"

"I was using that room for a prank on the princesses. She caught me in the middle of it and promised she wouldn't go to Celestia if I proved a rumor for her. One thing led to another and next thing I knew I was hands deep in a mare. These things happen."

"I... I need to go before I say something I might regret." She hopped off the couch. "Do remember to make me a schedule, Nav. If I had to play one of your days by ear, I believe that all I would know to do was chase after mares. And," she finished with a grin, "stallions."

"Hey, Braeburn was a one time thing. After he couldn't walk for an hour he said no more. I figured it would be best if I kept my eyes on one side of the fence."

"I see. That is certainly good to hear. I already hear some angry mumbles from stallions about you. It would be quite disappointing if the already small number of available stallions in Ponyville dropped because of your habits."

"Yeah, yeah. Now out you go."

She sniffled, faking tears. "Just... throw me out into the cold! I see how it is. No, don't get up on _my_ account! I shall see my unwanted self out!" I just shrugged and leaned back into my seat, crossing my arms behind my head. She huffed and trotted a few steps before eyeing me. "Aren't you going to convince me to stay?"

"Hey, you were the one that said you were going. I was just expediting the process."

She seemed to deflate. "Very well... I have many things to do before my week off anyway. I will see you later, Navarone."

"Have fun, Rarity." I was already trying to think of ways to make her suffer.

As she let herself out, Flo whispered, "You shouldn't go too hard on her. Remember, she'll be in a new body. With me."

_Oh shit, I forgot about that! You can't go with me, can you?_

"I can't, not without letting Rarity know that I exist. Hiding from her will be no problem, however. And I can even ensure that she does not harm your body, though stopping her from doing something would inform her that she isn't alone in this body."

"I'd rather have your secret out than get my body hurt by someone that doesn't know how to use it. I can explain it away to Rarity, as long as she isn't too vocal about her surprise. Just tell her you're a human machine, if it comes to that. She'll probably buy it."

"Alright. Hopefully it won't come to that. Are you sure you'll be fine on your own for a few hours?"

"...Really? Flo, I'm not helpless. I like having you there to support me, but I don't think I'll have many problems."

"Many of my previous hosts felt the same way, but whenever I left their minds, they always felt... hollow for some time. Hollow and alone."

"Well, I already agreed to it. I'm sure I'll be fine. And if not, it'll probably be for only a few hours. It's nice to finally have all bases covered."

If only that had been the case...

The day of reckoning was clear as far as my eyes could see and according to Dash, there was no bad weather planned for a good long while. It was still fucking cold—what, did you expect it to be warm in December?—but at least it wasn't raining. Given that most of the activities I could think of for Rarity to do in my body took place outside, it was good that I knew I probably wouldn't get sick.

"Are you sure about this?" Taya asked, flopping down on the couch.

"Hey, I'm really bored here. And don't say you aren't, either. I figure this is a good way to get us out of the house for a little while."

Before she could say anything else, Doppel came down the stairs, wearing a nice little sun dress—having a carapace means you don't have to care about the cold, I guess. Ganger followed along behind her, not wearing anything. "So what's the occasion, Master?" Doppel asked.

"I figured we could all do with getting into town for the day. Ganger doesn't get around much and you haven't had a day off since the last time you did. And maybe you can show him how to blend in better when in town. I'm expecting a visitor and shortly after she departs, so will Taya and I. Feel free to head on into town."

"Alright. Come along, Ganger." She smacked him with her tail, not even looking back. Given how much he seemed to like her, she probably knew how close he would be.

"See you later, Nav," Ganger said, looking back at the door. I grinned and winked, hoping he might get lucky. Although... a pregnant maid might be a liability. Still, Doppel is probably smart enough to avoid that. Either way, out my two changelings went, leaving the house with just me, Taya, and Freki.

"I know you're bored," Taya continued, "but it still doesn't seem like a good idea. What if something happens?"

"Then it happens. With you and Flo watching my body, it should be fine. And I'm smart enough to avoid trouble in Rarity's body. Everything should be okay."

"Daddy, how many times have you said that?"

"A bunch."

"And how many times did things end up being okay?"

"Hey, I'm still here, aren't I?"

I'm pretty sure she was going to keep going, but a knock at the door interrupted her. I grinned at her and went to go get it, letting Rarity and Sweetie Belle inside. "Wow, it looks almost exactly the same!" Sweetie exclaimed when she got to the den.

"When have you ever been in here?" I asked.

"Pinkie's party here, when you first had it built. Almost nothing changed... aside from the thing on the mantle up there."

"The box with the flashlight? Yeah, that's a few months old. I don't put much stock in personal effects. Doesn't seem like anyone else here does either."

"...It doesn't really feel like a home without them," Sweetie sighed.

"Hush, Sweetie Belle," Rarity hastily said. "So are you ready, Nav?"

"Yeah. You'll have to draw up the summoning circle, though. We can use the naga's room in the cellar for that. He isn't here and won't be for another week or two, probably."

"Very well, then. Lead the way."

I hopped back up from my seat and started walking to the back. "What's a flashlight?" Sweetie asked before I could go very far.

"A human invention used to shine light in the dark." I walked over to the mantle and pulled down the box Cadance gave me, opening it. "This here's the royal savior star." Rarity and Sweetie both gasped as the room lit up brightly. I grabbed it, turning the light a dim green, and set the box aside. "Basically just a glorified flashlight. Catch." I tossed it at Rarity.

She caught it with her magic, turning the crystal a bright blue. "Interesting... So the color depends on the pony holding it?"

"As far as I can tell."

"What's it made of?"

"Fuck all if I know. Anyway, let's get on with this. Freki, you're on house guarding duties. Anyone that doesn't belong tries to break in, make them sincerely regret it." Rarity flew the star over to my hands and I tossed it back in the box, closing it with a snap. All of us but the moody wolf finally set off for the dark depths of my home with me at the head.

"At least the kitchen feels warmer," Sweetie Belle idly commented as we walked, looking over the decorations that Cadance had put up in her time there.

"Cadance got bored of looking at empty walls," I replied, opening the door to the cellar. "Mind your step. If you trip, you'll bump into me, and I don't want to break anything."

"Thanks for the concern," Rarity dryly said, following me and Taya into the darkness. "Though a light would be useful."

"Damn, I always forget about that. There's a switch by the kitchen door. I can see in the dark, so I don't usually notice." After a second, a light flickered on, shrouding the room with shadows. Still, it cut back the darkness enough that the three of them could get down.

"What's all this junk?" Sweetie Belle asked, poking at a hunk of wood.

"Some of them are failed experiments. Some of them are successful experiments. That right there is a machine that will hurl a metal pole for about five hundred meters." Though it's only accurate to about two hundred. "It's currently broken down, though. I don't think that would leave a positive impression if I left it in my yard."

"Well, if nopony knows what it is..."

"It would be obvious if it was set up. Anyway, through here." It amused me that Sweetie didn't ask about the giant fucking reactor right there next to her, instead concentrating on the wood.

"Whoa! I didn't know you had a pool!" Sweetie's voice cracked there at the end, which I always thought was kind of adorable. "Why didn't you tell anypony?"

"No one asked. Is this area fine, Rarity?"

"It is," she confirmed, looking around. "I must say, I quite like it down here. It's calm and peaceful and the lighting is nice."

"Water feels good, too," I said, stretching my wings. "Anyway, let's get on with this."

"Can we go swimming while you work?" Sweetie Belle quickly asked.

"Hey, I don't care," I replied. "But remember that when we leave, you're going to be outside in the cold. You don't want to be wet in that."

"Oh... Don't you have towels?"

I looked to Rarity to have her tell Sweetie to shut up, but Taya quietly said, "I can dry you off. I learned how."

"Yay!" Sweetie jumped straight into the pool before anything else could be said.

"...I hope that water is _clean_," Rarity distastefully commented.

"It's spring fed," I said as Sweetie Belle's head popped out of the water and she spit some water out. "So it's about as clean as any spring water is."

"You two coming in?" Sweetie asked, looking at me and Taya.

Taya looked up at me. I shrugged and jerked my head at the water. She shook her head. I knelt down, wrapped my arms around her, and tossed her in, thanking the naga for making me work out. "I don't want to get my clothes wet, sorry," I told her as Taya surfaced, glaring at me. "Have fun, you two." I looked back over to Rarity, who was pulling a set of saddlebags off her back. "You need any help?"

"No, I'm quite alright. I just need to make sure I get the circle right. It'll probably take... oh, fifteen minutes." Her horn lit up and some chalk floated out of her bag. "I haven't drawn one of these in years." Following the chalk was a spellbook. "Now, let's get started."

I heard a splash from behind me as Taya pulled herself out of the water. An orange glow surrounded her and all the water in her fur just fell away from her, suspended in a field of magic. She tossed it behind her, dropping it into the pool. The aura disappeared around everything except for her horn as she pulled another stick of chalk from Rarity's bag.

"I can draw it in half that time," she confidently said. "Go play with your sister."

Her horn lit up brighter and Rarity was tossed into the pool, squealing as she soared over us. Taya nabbed the spellbook from the air before it could hit the floor and walked over to an open area. She immediately began drawing while opening the magic book and looking for something.

"Taya, what have I told you about acting like a bitch?" I said, crossing my arms.

"I learn by example, daddy." She stopped flipping pages and nodded, going back to paying attention to whatever she was drawing.

"Just because I'm a dick doesn't mean you have to be. It's the goal of every parent to make a child that is better than they are, and I'm doing my best to make that easy for you. However, you seem to be fighting my efforts. You need to stop that shit and behave."

"I'll keep that in mind," she absentmindedly said as she drew. _I am getting sick and tired of her bitchy behavior. Just one more push. I dare you. I imagine some human punishments would teach you a lesson._

Flo sighed. "Nav, she needs to be able to walk. Don't punish her until you get back tonight. Maybe she'll learn a lesson today or something."

_Yeah. Right._ I know Flo was getting just as tired of it, though. Yeah, I know I'm not exactly the best example, but that doesn't give her an excuse to follow me.

Anyway, Taya got the circle done relatively quickly. Right after she did so, a shivering Rarity removed herself from the pool, dripping water and looking somewhat traumatized. Her normally very styled hair was hanging limply down her head. When Taya's horn lit up and dried her off, Rarity's coat immediately poofed out, standing straight up, while her hair turned into an afro.

One of her eyes twitched a few times before she snatched her bag closer and ripped a brush out of it, running it over her head first, somehow going from a fro to its normal style, and then on her coat, doing the same thing.

"We shall never speak of this again," she flatly said, tucking the brush back into her bag. "Navarone, to the circle." We both walked over to the runic circle that Taya drew. I sat down in it, since Rarity would probably lose her balance quickly if she transferred when I was standing. "Are you ready?"

"Nope. Do it." She blinked, but shrugged and her horn lit up. A second later, my soul was violently ripped from its mortal husk and sent through the void into Rarity's body. "God, why do I suddenly feel like whining?"

"And why do I suddenly feel like having sex with anypony that moves?"

I grinned at what she said. "Watch that, Rarity. I don't say anypony."

"And _I_ don't say anyone. You better not ruin me, Navarone."

"Oh come now. Your sister is watching me. Surely she'll be able to keep me in line."

"...I'm sure. Now, how do I work these legs?"

"We'll get to those. First, the fingers. Can you stretch them? And pick things up with them?"

She slowly unfurled her fingers, lifting them up to her eyes to watch them in awe. After a second, she reached over to where Taya had left the chalk, twisting her newfound fingers around them. She gasped. "It's so rough!"

"It's chalk, of course it's rough. So you can grab things, good." I walked over. "Put both hands on my back."

She did so. "So soft!"

"Yep. This is what you spend all that time on your coat for. Now bend your knees so they're pointing up. Push up with your hands and pull on my back." She slowly did so, lifting herself off the ground. Soon enough, she was all the way up. "There. Now slowly let go of my back." I stepped away as she did so.

"I'm so... tall! And Celestia, everything looks so _weird!_ And it all sounds weird, too. I don't really remember that back when I was you before."

"The looking weird is because of your predator eyes. The sounding weird is because of your different ears. All of your senses are totally out of whack right now. Give it some time and you should be fine. Can you take a step?"

"I can... try." She lifted one foot in front of her and her back leg buckled, almost sending her to the floor. Taya caught her before she smacked her head on the stone, thankfully.

"Remember, your knees don't bend backwards anymore. Now, try again."

"Wait, before I do... Taya, is your horn glowing?"

"Yeah, humans can see magic," I said. "She's the one that caught you."

"Interesting... Thank you, Taya." Of course, that's when Taya dropped her. Rarity yelped as she hit the ground, a sound I'm not used to hearing from my mouth.

"No problem," Taya answered.

"Can you stand up on your own?" I asked.

"I can try. Give me a moment." She stretched her legs and slowly picked herself up, probably something she had watched me do in the past. "Good! Now, to walk..." She tenderly stretched a leg out, making sure her back leg didn't crumble behind her. "I did it!" she exclaimed after going a single step.

"It's a start. See if you can keep it up. Taya, explain this magic bullshit. How do I levitate things?"

"Basic levitation is easy," Taya answered, lifting the chalk. "You have to know the layout of the area, though, and build the layout in your mind. Then you just concentrate on the item and imagine it moving somewhere else. Heavier items take more concentration. Twilight said it's harder for fillies and colts to learn because they can barely concentrate. For you, it might be easier." I closed my eyes and built the room in my mind, trying to get it as close as possible. "It's definitely easier when your eyes are open, especially if someone is moving."

"And you talking isn't helping," I said, not opening my eyes. With Rarity's bag in my mind, I concentrated on lifting. I felt a... warmness on my head. When I opened my eyes, I found that the bag was a few inches off the floor. "It actually worked!" When I said that, it fell.

"Of course, believing in yourself is one of the main components," Taya said offhandedly. "If you don't think you can do something, you definitely can't."

"That's... strange. I honestly wasn't expecting magic to work for me. I guess that's what I get for not paying attention. Well, now I know I can." I narrowed my eyes and concentrated on the item lifting in the air again. It slowly pulled itself off the ground and floated over to me. I settled the saddlebags over my back, rolling my shoulders as they fell into place. "There. At least I can function today."

"Don't you want to learn how to do more?" Taya quickly asked. "I can show you how to make a fireball!"

"That's like asking a bishop to learn heresy. I'll pass. If I get into any situations where creating a fireball is important, I'd rather just run the other way."

Rarity flinched, looking around. "Did somep—one do something? I thought I just heard a wet smack..."

"Probably Sweetie Belle in the water," I said, not buying that for a minute. _What did I do this time, Flo?_ Looking back to Taya gave me the answer to that. She... didn't seem overly happy with my answer. Thinking about it, I can see why. All that time I spent teaching her and helping her, she just wanted to help me with something. The one time she had the ability to teach me something she was passionate about, I shot her down. I looked back over to Rarity. "Is there any combat magic that you know? For self-defense reasons?"

"Well, Princess Celestia made the six of us go through numerous self-defense classes. I learned a few spells there. A chain lightning spell that stuns ponies is one I learned. Why? Surely we don't have time to learn something like that."

"You know that spell?" I asked Taya.

She seemed to light up as she nodded, smiling. "It's not that hard!"

Look, I don't like or even understand magic. I won't even try to explain what she did and how she taught me that spell because honestly, I don't want to remember it. I'd rather have a sword or a gun any day. Sharp things cut, gunpowder ignites and creates enough force to propel a hunk of metal toward an enemy, and both are natural. Shooting lightning from a bone sticking out of your head is not normal or natural and it just felt _wrong_ to do. I only learned it to please Taya.

"Oooh, if only we had more time!" Taya bemoaned when I was able to arc lightning a few feet away.

"Even if we did, I couldn't learn more," I said. "Remember, I'm pretending to be Rarity. I don't think she'd break out a huge array of combat spells even if they were called for."

"And one of the rules is no violence," Rarity said, gently flapping her new wings. "These are quite different from the ones I temporarily had. Feathers are... interesting."

"I trust you know about pegasus wings. Mine are the same."

"Then I'll be careful. Wait... so when I walked in on you and Rainbow Dash—"

"Yes." She chuckled, her wings extending. "Yeah, and watch out for that. They extend like that when you're aroused. And so does something else," I said, looking down to a certain place. "Be careful with that."

She very quickly blushed a bright red. "I... I don't know what you're talking about!"

I looked up at her face, giving her a flat stare. "Rarity, that's _my_ body you're talking about. I know my body. And I'm more careful about that, so you better hide it or you'll lose points."

"Ugh. Do you have to deal with this all the time?"

"Welcome to having a dick. Sweetie Belle, you ready to go?"

"Aww, do we have to?"

"I'm afraid so, dear. We have quite a day ahead of us, after all. And Sir Navarone here still has to get ready to go. Now come out of there before you wrinkle and let Taya dry you off."

She sighed and paddled over, getting out of the pool. "So when are you two going to switch?" she asked as Taya did magic to her.

"When everything on the schedule is finished," Rarity answered with a shrug.

"No, I mean for the first time. Shouldn't you two swap before we leave?"

"They already did," Taya said. "Now I think I see why you said this would be fun, daddy."

"I'm glad I reminded you, then," I said with a grin, looking to Rarity in my body.

"Eh, I can be forgetful sometimes. All those blows to the head, you know," she replied. "Anyway, we should get going. We got stuff to do, Taya." _Oh man, this might be harder than I thought._

"Come along, dear," I said to Sweetie Belle. "We have an appointment at the spa to make!" I led the way out of the room and up the stairs. Rarity had some trouble with the steps, but she managed well enough. "When shall we meet back here?" I asked.

"When we finish everything on the schedule," she replied. "Whoever gets here first can just wait. I imagine that there's no shortage of things to do here."

"Taya knows where the study is. There are a ton of books there you can busy yourself with if you get back first. Now, you need to get ready to go. You're going to want to put a jacket and some shoes on. Taya also knows where all of that is. Get out of here in fifteen minutes. Sweetie and I will leave now."

"The game begins when you go outside," Rarity told me. "Do have fun!"

"Quick question before I go outside, then. The spa chicks won't be too offput if I don't know any gossip, will they?"

"They're my main source. I learn most of what I know from them."

"Bitchin'. Let's do this, Sweets."

I stepped out the front door as she answered, "What does bitchin' mean?"

"Such barbaric language! Who taught you such a thing?" I asked, doing my best to put on the accent Rarity used.

"But you just—"

"I assure you, I did no such thing! Such uncouth words would never cross my lips. Now come along before that ruffian corrupts you any further. And be sure to get the door."

Sweetie sighed. "Yes, Rarity..." She pulled the door shut behind me and fell in next to me.

Is it bad that I really only know how to _react_ as Rarity, but not start a conversation as her? I did my best on the way to the spa, but I don't think my best was really all that great.

As is turns out, I do not like spas. My innate dislike of being touched probably has a lot to do with that. I dealt with it as best I could, but I believe they all knew something was off. I did my best to keep up with the gossip, at least.

Thankfully, little of it was about me. "We haven't seen Navarone or his delectable hands in town recently," Aloe sighed, plastering some green shit on my face.

"It's quite a shame, too," Lotus lamented. "Even when he is in town, he never stops by the spa. I wonder why..."

"Not to belittle your skills," I said, "but would you be able to give him a treatment anyway? I mean, his body is so different from ours!"

"In a good way," Aloe whispered, earning a chuckle from Lotus. "We would be able to, yes. He is different, but similar enough to a minotaur."

"And it would not be the first time we gave him a... private showing," Lotus added, smirking. "Ah, if only he had taken our job offer... We believe that relationship would have gone far."

"Relationship?" Fluttershy whispered.

"Business relationship, dear," I answered. "Navarone and his fingers would be quite valuable to our hosts. I believe you've been a recipient to one of his belly rubs, haven't you? He is unpracticed, but if he was trained... Well, I believe there would be patrons from all across Equestria!"

"It's true," Aloe said with a nod. "But at this point, his fame has spread in such a way that he could work as a janitor and still bring the business's name up."

"He doesn't seem the type to work, though," I said, trying to keep Rarity's general disapproval about my life in place. "Even before he fell into money, all he ever seemed to do was the occasional odd job. And a single father... Well, he needs to spend as much time with his filly as possible."

"True," Lotus said. "But I'm pretty sure he has marriage prospects. The only reason a stallion like him wouldn't be in a relationship is because he doesn't want to be."

"I wonder why, though..." Aloe said, curiosity evident in her tone.

"Maybe he is in one?" I suggested. "He seems secretive about a number of things. It's possible he's in a long-distance relationship and simply didn't tell anypony. It would be quite romantic of him to hold out for her, if that was the case."

Lotus shook her head. "If he is, he's cheating on her with his maid. Everypony knows those two share a bed more often than not." Now that's just not true. Or at least, not anymore. "Maybe he's in love with her?"

"I doubt it," I answered. "In lust with, maybe. I don't think he would make her be a maid if he loved her."

"Unless a certain human has a maid fetish," Aloe giggled.

"That is... possible," I said, thankful that the green goop was hiding my blushing face. "I suppose we won't know unless we ask him. I certainly wouldn't do so, myself. I admit to curiosity, but prying just seems impolite."

"It's hardly prying," Lotus said. "Just asking a question. It's only prying if he refuses to tell you but you keep trying to figure it out."

"...Fair enough. Either way, I believe I respect his privacy enough not to ask. But if somepony else were to find out... By all means, let me know." And that was all there was about me before we moved on to something else that I didn't care about.

Shopping was boring as fuck. I bargained for stuff, bought some stuff, ate a bagel, and nothing of note happened.

The picnic is when things went to shit. I was very much looking forward to turning back, at that point. Pretending to be Rarity was fucking tiresome as hell. I learned how well I didn't know her and her history when I started talking to her friends. I was able to fake having had a long day to pass some of it off, but I had a bad feeling that I would be losing the damn competition based on that alone.

_I knew I should have had her hang out with some of the friends I had. Christ._

But the picnic was almost over when a certain purple dragon and a filly came sprinting our way. I knew something was wrong instantly from the look on Taya's face, and the paper Spike was holding gave me a hint as to what the problem was. _God fucking dammit, Celestia. Why today, of all days?_

Spike immediately ran to Twilight, shoving the paper at her and breathing deep. Taya ran to me, trying to catch her breath. _Note to self, take Taya jogging._ "What's going on?" I asked, still hoping the situation could be salvaged.

"Rarity... teleported... Celestia!" Taya panted.

_Nope, this can't be salvaged._ "Fu—"

"Girls, we have to go!" Twilight shouted, waving the letter from Celestia around.

"What's the problem?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Princess Celestia needs us to do something. We need to leave right away!"

_To straight up lose, or to keep the game going... _"Girls, what about Taya here?" I said before any of them could move. "Celestia apparently teleported her father away with no warning. Should we really leave her here without a guardian?"

"Hm... Taya, would your father be okay with that?" Twilight asked.

"He would be if we left him a message!" Taya quickly answered.

Twilight nodded. "Spike, if Nav gets back before we do, let him know that we took Taya with us. And tell him not to worry, she'll be safe. Now let's go, girls! We have a train that's leaving in ten minutes to catch!" Twilight immediately began trotting to the train station. Most of the girls followed her.

I looked down to Sweetie Belle. "Welp, this went to shit." Spike did one hell of a double take when he heard that. "Yeah, Spike, I'm Nav in Rarity's body. Don't ask. She's in mine."

"...How?"

"If Celestia summoned her, it's for sex. A lot of it. I'll see you when we get back. Sweetie Belle, do whatever. Taya, come on."

"What about Rarity?" Sweetie called as Taya and I galloped to catch up to the group.

"Damn these legs, fuck not having wings, and screw this shitty body," I panted as we ran. Taya didn't answer. I think she was too preoccupied with trying to keep up. Thankfully, the train station wasn't far from where we were. The rest of the girls were already waiting for us.

"C'mon, Rarity!" Dash somewhat testily said. "I knew I should have made you come with me to the gym."

"Forgive me for taking the time to tell Sweetie what was going on and ask her to feed my cat, Rainbow. Next time I'll just leave her behind with nary a word."

"Sheesh, sooorry!"

I sighed. "I apologize, Rainbow. I was just so much looking forward to this week off. I'm sure whatever the princess is asking us to do is important, but I just wish I could spend some more time relaxing."

"Well you don't need to worry too much, Rarity," Twilight said with a smile. "If all goes well, we should be back home in two days. And I don't think this task will be that hard at all."

"Well what _is_ the job?" Applejack asked.

"The letter didn't say," Twilight answered, shrugging. "Just that we were to get on the train going to Detrot and go to the governor's mansion when we got there. She promised that it wouldn't be too taxing for anypony with our skills!"

"...Detrot?" I hesitantly asked.

Twilight nodded happily, not seeming to be concerned in the slightest. I shared a look with Applejack, probably the only member of the group that knew much of anything about the world. Pinkie looked excited, Fluttershy looked somewhat confused, and Rainbow Dash looked bored.

"Uh, Twi?" Applejack started. "Are we, uh... gonna have any kinda guards?"

"Of course not. Why would we need them?"

"Detrot has a bad reputation, dear," I answered. "I've heard it's one of the few places in mainland Equestria with any kind of noticeable crime rate."

"Oh, I'm sure we'll be fine! Now let's all get aboard before the train leaves us behind." Applejack and I shared one last worried glance before we all entered the train.

Our first look at the grand city of Detrot told me everything that I needed to know. The first word that came to my mind when I saw the outer layer of houses was empty. There were people there, but not many. I could tell that many of the houses hadn't seen any manner of upkeep in some time. _This might be just like Detroit._

I resolved to keep an eye on Fluttershy and Taya while we were there. The others could take care of themselves. If we were only supposed to be there for two or three days, there shouldn't be any problems. But I'd rather not risk it.

"Taya, don't go into town," I told her in a quiet voice, trying not to let the others hear. "God, if I knew we were going to Detroit, I wouldn't have brought you."

"What's so bad about this place?" she just as quietly asked.

"Crime. And a lot of it. If we're going to be staying in the governor's mansion, we will only leave that place in order to do whatever we're here for and to go back to the train station."

"I can protect you!"

"The best fight is the one you don't have. There's nothing in this place that I'm interested in, so we won't risk anything. We can talk more later. That's enough scheming for now." She just shrugged and we went back to watching the necropolis slowly grow closer in the window.

When we got to the large and relatively opulent governor's mansion, there was no time wasted: We were immediately ushered into a sitting room where the corpulent governor awaited, seated in a chair. A bodyguard stood behind him, to his right.

"It's a pleasure to see you, ladies," he said, not standing. The smile he was wearing didn't reach his eyes. I swear I saw Applejack seem to flinch back from him, as though he had a physical presence that hurt her.

"Likewise, Governor Silver Dollar," Twilight said with her diplomatic tone. "I'm Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's personal student. These are Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie—"

"Hi!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing in place.

"—Rarity, and Fluttershy. Oh, and that's Taya. How can we help you?"

"Oh, I can think of a number of ways," he answered, stroking his double chin with a hoof. "But Celestia sent you here as her representatives at an unveiling ceremony scheduled tomorrow. It will be the first time the Magiguard statue will be displayed for all to see!"

I think every single one of us in that room—aside from maybe Pinkie—was offended by that for a number of different reasons. Applejack facehooved. Fluttershy got a strange look on her face.

"We came all this way for a buckin' _statue_?!" Rainbow Dash practically yelled. "I thought you said this was important, Twilight!"

_Indiscreet as always..._ Twilight herself looked somewhat unhappy about being here over a fucking statue, but indecisiveness ruled her face. On one hand, Celestia said it was important. On the other hand, it was obviously just busy work.

The governor came to her rescue. "Oh, but it is important! Do you know, Miss Dash, who the Magiguard is?"

"Psh, no. It sounds stupid."

"He is a guard that was almost killed in the line of duty. However, the medic mages we had were able to keep him alive, to _rebuild_ him with magic. He is held together almost entirely by magical constructs. He was the first and only pony the procedure worked on. Since then, he's made a big name for himself here in Detrot, stopping a number of criminals."

"So we're here for a stupid statue," Rainbow Dash sighed. "And we can't get out of it."

"I'm sure Princess Celestia had a reason for sending us, girls!" Twilight hastily said, trying to keep morale up in her little group.

"It's just two days," I said. "Maybe a change of scenery will be nice. But I'm sure the governor has business he needs to attend to. If you could just have somepony show us to our rooms...?"

"Of course, of course... But I only have six rooms available. I was told to expect only six of you..."

"Taya will be staying with me," I quickly said. All the girls looked to me in relative shock. "Well, it was my idea to bring her. I will take responsibility for her. It's only fair."

"Is that alright with you, Taya?" Twilight asked.

"I don't mind," she answered. "It's just two days."

They all shrugged. The fat fuck on the chair clopped two hooves together. A maid in an extremely skimpy outfit appeared at the door. "Take these mares to their rooms, please," he ordered.

"Of course, Master," she said, doing some approximation of a curtsy. _I have got to get Doppel one of those outfits. I _like_ those stockings._ "Follow me, please," she said, looking to us. We did so, leaving that room behind. I could feel his eyes on our backs as we left.

"Lecherous slimeball," I whispered when we were far enough away.

"You feel it, too?" Applejack asked. "There's something about that stallion... Felt like a kick to the gut as soon as he opened his mouth."

"That's not very nice to say about somepony you just met," Pinkie said, looking at me. "Don't you want to be his friend?"

"You are welcome to attempt to be his friend, Pinkie," I said. "But I implore you not to make the attempt when alone with him."

She sighed and looked away. "Okay..." We continued through the mansion in silence, the mood brought down by what Applejack and I said. For the record, the maid heard every word and didn't say anything.

At least the rooms we were given were quite nice, if somewhat dark in themes. Taya and I had settled in to relax when there was a knock at my door. It opened, presumably by Taya's magic or something. In walked Twilight. "Me and the girls were thinking about exploring the city. Do you two want to come?"

"I think I'd prefer to stay here," I answered. "Something about this city makes me feel uneasy."

"I'm staying," Taya said.

Twilight sighed. "I guess it's just me, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie... Applejack and Fluttershy don't want to explore either."

"Well have fun, Twilight. And do be safe. Maybe if you three don't run into any trouble, I'll join you tomorrow."

"Alright. I'll see you two in a few hours." And so the door closed, leaving me and Taya alone.

"Now what?" she asked.

"We chill. Not much else to do. I refuse to leave this place without an armed escort and I'm not going anywhere near the sleazeball governor. Neither are you. So we'll just chill here. Thankfully, this room has a bookcase. Let's see what we're left with..." I hopped off the rather expansive bed and walked over to the case, perusing the titles. Most of them were books that I had read before. After living four years in a library without being able to sleep, there weren't that many books I _hadn't_ read.

"Anything good?" Taya asked.

"Well, unless you want me to read you a story, the only books here that I haven't read are boring fucking history books. Plenty for you to read, I guess. Nothing here by me." I lifted a hoof to grab one before I realized what I was doing. After sighing, I dropped my hoof and used magic to pull one of the books out, tossing it to the bed for Taya. "Have fun."

"...Don't you want to read to me?"

I looked back to her, relatively confused. "You actually want me to read to you?"

"Daddy, I know you. It'll take you hours to remember to use magic to turn the pages. It's either you read to me and I turn the pages or I read and you destroy a book and get angry."

"Alright. I guess if anyone walks in, it'll be easy enough to pawn off as Rarity being Rarity." I walked back over to the bed and hopped on it. I curled up and looked at the book, trying to open it. Nothing happened.

Taya giggled. "Opening something is different from lifting, daddy. I'll handle it. After I... Well, don't move." She started moving around the bed until she was right in front of me. I felt something in my horn and then felt my body being pushed. I didn't really have much of a way to fight back as Taya pushed me to my side before lying down next to me, pushing her back against my stomach, essentially making her spoon me. "There. Now curl your tail up."

"...What's the point of this?" I asked as I moved my tail.

"To get comfortable, of course. Isn't this nice?"

"Feels kind of awkward. I can't even look you in your eyes."

"Daddy, you almost never look anyone in the eyes anyway. Now let's do this." I felt that weird resonating feeling again as the book pulled over to us and opened up.

"Alright. Once upon a time..."

...I was very grateful for Taya's company that night. Without Flo to guard my subconscious mind, the nightmares returned. There are some things that people just can't face on their own, like it or not. I don't think Taya was overly happy to be used as a teddy bear for the night, but she didn't complain.

Taya and I were able to avoid leaving the mansion until the damn ceremony for the stupid statue the next day. Not that not leaving was necessarily a good thing, though; the governor was a pervert and the only reason we were spared his leering glances was because we stayed in our room. I had to comfort Fluttershy as she was propositioned by the guy and freaked the fuck out.

I shudder to think of what might have happened if Applejack hadn't been with her when it happened. As it was, I think the only reason the governor didn't get his shit kicked in was because of his bodyguard.

But anyway, the ceremony. The apparently famous guard himself ended up sitting next to me on the row of chairs behind the governor's fat ass as he gave a speech that I didn't pay attention to. I have to say, the guard looked very much like a pony version of Robocop.

"So how long have you been a guard?" I whispered to him.

"Three hundred years," he quietly answered back.

_Shit, man. I wonder how long that magic will sustain him..._ "What do you think of Detrot?"

"It's a trashy city full of horrible ponies with a corrupt leader. I made it my life's work to clean it up and I'm failing."

"Oh... Have you heard of somepony named Sir Navarone?"

"Yes I have."

"What do you think of him?"

"He's a tool that thinks so highly of himself that he believes he's above the law. If he ever sets hoof in this city, I will have him arrested immediately for several counts of murder, assault, blackmailing, sexual deviancy, foal neglect, public indecency, and anything else I can think of at the time."

That was the end of that conversation.

Taya and I didn't have much time to settle into our room back at the mansion before there was a knocking on our door again. Twilight poked her head in. "Taya, I just found out there's an old magic aberration in this area! That spot would be an excellent place to teach you about magical vibrations. Let's go!"

Taya looked to me, a conflict visible in her eyes. I nodded to her. "Go on, dear. I need to stay here in case Fluttershy needs me. I don't want to risk her being alone."

"Of course, Rarity," Twilight said. "Come on, Taya. We need to leave soon or we might not have time to study much!" Taya hopped off the bed and trotted to the door. With a final backwards glance to me, they both left.

Five minutes after they departed, I hopped off the bed and walked to the door, opening it and going into the hall down to Fluttershy's room. She really had been broken up and I was hoping she'd get better. I knocked on the door and didn't get an answer. After a few seconds, I used magic to gently push it open. She was curled up on the bed, asleep. She wouldn't mind seeing me when she woke up, so I let myself in and eased the door shut.

I spent some time reading before there was another knock. I opened the door with magic, though it seems this time it woke Fluttershy up. "There you are, Rarity!" Rainbow Dash said, smiling. "Me, Applejack, and Pinkie were about to go out. Pinkie actually managed to find a club that she thought would be interesting. You two wanna go?"

"Thank you, but no," I calmly said. "I'm not much one for the 'club' scene. Fluttershy?"

"I... I think I wouldn't mind going. As-as long as somepony stays with me." Now _that_ was shocking.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Really?" Dash said at the same time.

"I don't want to be here," she whispered, looking away.

"Well, if you're sure..." I said. "By all means, have fun. I think it would do you some good."

"You sure you want to stay here alone?" Dash asked, looking at me.

I smiled. "You underestimate me, Rainbow. If anypony tries anything on me, they will very sorely regret it. I'll be fine. You girls go out, have a good time. I wouldn't mind having some time to myself to relax."

"If you say so. C'mon, Fluttershy. I'll teach you how to dance!" I smiled at that image in my mind, the graceful Fluttershy pulling dance moves on a club floor. Out they went, leaving me alone in the mansion of the lecher.

Before I could help myself, I immediately thought of the phrase that has proven to be the bane of my existence: What's the worst that could happen?

I found out half an hour later from the knocking on my door. I opened it with magic, hoping it would be Taya and Twilight, back from their expedition.

It was the governor. _Oh boy, here we go._

"Ah, Governor Dollar!" I said, hopping off the bed. "What a surprise. How can I help you?" He let himself inside, squeezing his bulk around the door. His bodyguard followed him.

"Miss Rarity, has anypony ever told you that you were beautiful?" the fat fuck asked, grinning in a way he might have thought was charming.

"I've been told that before, yes," I answered, having a bad feeling I knew what was coming.

"And I... I am a stallion with many connections, many friends," he slowly said. I saw the bodyguard closing the door behind the governor, cutting off the only escape route that didn't involve jumping out a window from the third floor. "I can make your life in Ponyville very easy. Or you could move here and be served anything you could desire."

"You don't say. Well this has been interesting, but—"

"Please, Rarity, you haven't heard my offer."

"I think I can make a guess as to what it is."

"Give yourself to me and I'll give you anything your heart could desire."

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," I said, my tone dropping to ice cold.

"Please re—"

"I am not a harlot. I will not be treated like one."

He snorted. "You aren't? Not some tarted up whore? I have dirt on you, Rarity. Dirt that would ruin your name." While he was talking, I looked over to a desk, where a maid had left a pitcher of water. When he said that last word, I used magic to propel the pitcher at him, drenching him.

"Get out!"

His eyes opened wide in surprise before narrowing. "You're going to regret that. Guard, hold her down. She has enough holes for both of us."

I have to say, I wasn't expecting him to actually try raping me. But of course, I had planned for it. Sort of.

My horn grew hot and my vision dimmed as lightning shot out of my horn, slamming into the governor's body and reacting with the water I splashed on him. He began screaming in pain as he was cooked. I felt a cruel smile coming to my face as blood started seeping from his eyes and brain matter leaked from his ears.

When I couldn't hold the spell any longer, I let it go. The governor immediately collapsed, his blacked fur smoking and his body spasming in its death throes. I looked to his side to see what happened to the bodyguard that should have been caught in the chain effect of the lightning.

Where the bodyguard had been was a changeling lying on his stomach, immobilized. The spell I cast was supposed to just stun, but since the other guy was covered in water and because I poured so much hate into the spell, I think it reacted just a little stronger than it should have.

I walked over to the changeling and kicked him onto his back, putting my hoof on his throat. He looked up at me with the eyes of an intelligentsia, fear evident in his gaze. After some thinking, I said, "Intelligentsia, sentient, drone."

His mouth dropped and his eyes widened. When he didn't answer, I pressed down harder. "Urk! "E-egg, larva, f-f-foal!"

I relieved some of the pressure. "What are you doing here, changeling?"

"S-spying on the governor!" His eyes darted to the corpse on the floor before darting back to me.

"I see. How many mares has he done this to?"

"Too many..."

"Interesting. And how does he never get caught?"

"S-soundproofed walls. And he has blackmail material on everypony!"

"Hm. How much of his staff is made of changelings?"

"Just me, I swear!"

"Excellent. I have a proposition for you, changeling. You see, having this body on my floor puts me in... somewhat of a bad situation. So what you are going to do is get rid of the body and then pretend to be the governor for one month before you return to your hive. And what I am going to do is not tell anyone that you're a changeling and that you helped the governor rape ponies. Do we have a deal?"

"I-if I refuse?"

"Then I fear I'll have even more of a mess to clean up. Changeling blood is hard to get out of carpets, after all." I emphasized my position by pressing down more on his throat.

"Q-q-questions! I have questions!"

"Very well, bug. You may ask." I relieved some of the pressure.

"Why a month? Why not just hide the body and leave?"

"Because it would be linked to this visit. A month gives the body time to rot and time for suspicion not to be on us."

"What's stopping you from betraying me, from telling on me anyway?"

"The reason I knew the spy's code words."

"Which is?" I narrowed my eyes and pushed down on his throat again. "N-n-never mind!" I eased back. "What if I stay as governor? If I don't go back to the hive?"

"Then I go to Celestia. Your governor friend was an idiot. He seems to have forgotten that I am an _element of harmony_. I have the ear of the princess herself. If he had laid a hoof on me, he wouldn't have lived long enough to regret it. If I find out that you're still here after a month has passed, you will be ousted as a changeling, arrested, put on trial, and bad things will happen."

"What if—"

I shut him up by pushing against his throat again. "Enough questions. Get this body out of my room and assume your position, _governor._" I stepped off him, backing away. When I did so, I realized something that I'm glad I didn't notice before: This bug had a small hard-on going. I blinked in surprise before grinning darkly. "Oh, does somepony get off to the idea of a big, strong mare dominating him? Holding him down and teaching him who's boss, who swings the cock around?" The changeling's face turned bright green as he blushed, averting his eyes. "I bet you'd love me to force you down and make you face-fuck me, wouldn't you?" His breathing was starting to pick up. I snorted. "Well, you'd never please me with that tiny prick. I suggest you hide it before I decide to teach you what a real one is like. Now get out of my sight."

He actually _whimpered_ before rolling over, his tail between his legs to hide his shame. I glared at him the entire time he rolled the massive body into a carpet and began dragging it out, his small buggy erection flopping around until he turned into the bodyguard again. _God, if only I had a strap-on..._ Soon enough, I was alone in the room, the smell of burned fur still hanging in the air. I opened the window with magic, hoping to air the room out some before Taya got back.

When she did get back, I couldn't smell it anymore, but her face scrunched up. "What's that horrible smell?" she asked, stepping into the room.

"Close the door. We might have a problem and it would be good for you to know what's going on." She did so, stepping further into the room. "First, don't get mad." She blinked in surprise. "Alright, the governor and his guard tried to rape me." Her mouth fucking dropped. "I killed the governor." It's a good thing her mouth was already down, because it would have fallen again. "His guard was a changeling. I made an arrangement with him to ensure his silence and that the body wouldn't be found."

She stood there in shock for nearly thirty seconds before her mouth closed and her eyes narrowed, an expression that I was sadly getting used to. "I'm not leaving you alone again. You could have gotten hurt!"

"Yep. I'm not going to be in a room without someone I know until I turn back. The only reason I was able to do what I did was because I flung water at him before using that lightning spell you taught me. Also, I'm really tired. Is that an effect of spellcasting or something?"

"Magic is like a muscle. If you don't use it often, it'll be weak and using it will tire you out quickly. Rarity is used to using a lot of weaker magic, things that don't exercise her magic. Using enough lightning to actually kill someone... You're going to sleep well tonight, daddy."

"Well that's certainly good to hear. You think anyone would mind if I turned in early?"

"Daddy, the sun's barely even gone down."

"Like I give a fuck. I'm going to sleep. If you want, you can stay up and do magic things with Twilight. If she asks, just tell her that I was tired."

"No, I'm not leaving you while you're asleep. Not after both last night and what happened today."

"I appreciate that, Taya. It... means a lot to me."

"You guard my dreams, daddy. It's only fair that I get to help guard yours."

That actually made me feel more at ease. It didn't do much to stop the nightmares, though.

Breakfast the next morning was somewhat awkward. Fluttershy refused to go anywhere near the governor or even look at him. Every time he looked at me, he quickly averted his gaze, blushing.

We left immediately after eating, not even bothering to say any goodbyes to anyone there. Every one of us wanted to get home quickly for some reason or another. Fluttershy, to feed her critters and to put the events behind her. Applejack, to reassure her family that she was okay. Dash needed to catch up on the job she left behind. I think Twilight really wanted to ask Celestia just what the hell she was thinking, sending us to a place like that.

And I wanted my motherfucking body back.

When we all got off the train, Fluttershy, Applejack, Taya, and I all started walking down the path out of town.

"You know that either of us could drop her off, right?" AJ said, looking at me.

"I'm aware," I answered. "If Navarone _is_ home, I would like to talk to him. He asked me to make something for him and I want to make sure I have a few details right before I begin." And if he _isn't_ there, I'm going to strangle a certain white horse.

Applejack and Fluttershy split off on the paths to their homes while Taya and I continued on to my large fort. The place seemed too empty without anything in the yard or the naga around doing what he does.

However, the human body sitting in the armchair in the living room made the place feel alive enough for me. "Thank God you're here," I sighed.

Rarity slowly turned her head to look at me. "Can we... talk?" she whispered.

"Sure. Taya, go make sure the circle thing in the cellar is still ready. Wait for us down there."

"Are you sure, daddy?"

"Yes, Taya. I'll be fine." She cast a suspicious glare at Rarity before trotting to the kitchen. I slumped onto my couch, tired beyond all reason. Tired of having a pony body, tired of pretending to be Rarity, tired of bad sleep. "Welp," I sighed.

"...So do you even want to judge this anymore?" Rarity asked, her entire body slumped into the chair.

"Doesn't matter. I broke a few rules."

"Me too... This was a horrid few days, Nav. I say we never speak of them again."

"Before we agree to that, I want to know what happened. Hell, I'll even tell you what I went through, if you're interested."

"I'd... rather not know, I think. Well, which rules did you break?"

"The no leaving Ponyville one. And then the no violence one. I electrocuted the shit out of someone. Blackmailed the witness into staying silent. You know how it is."

"...I'd rather not know what happened. But given some of what I did and some of what I said, it's only fair I tell you some things."

"Oh God... What you 'said'? Did you promise something?"

"Well, if a certain minty mare and changeling come by asking about that threesome I said you would join, feel free to thank me."

I sighed, facehooving. "I don't do anything with couples. God dammit, Rarity..."

"Well, how was I supposed to know that? From what I've seen, you don't discriminate in any other ways!"

"Fluttershy."

"...Fair enough. While we're on this subject, I have something to tell you about a certain filly, Diamond Tiara."

"She has an unrequited crush on me and a fetish for feeding me foods or giving me water tainted with her sex fluids. I already knew. What I'm more interested in is what happened after you got the note from Celestia."

"Nav, if you knew that filly had a crush on you, why didn't you do anything about it?"

"What am I supposed to do? Take her on a date? Shoot her down? Or God forbid, tell her father? It's a childish crush brought on by greed, I imagine. She'll get over it."

"Very well. After these few days, I'm not going to pretend to know how to live your life for you."

"Good. Now what happened?"

She sighed. "It all began when I got the letter from Spike..."

Spike held up the letter, panting. "Fresh from the princess, Nav!" he enthusiastically said, almost as happy as he was to serve you as he used to be me.

"Thank you, Spike. Any clue what it is?"

"No, but I know I have another one to deliver and she wants a response, so can you hurry it up?"

I shrugged—what is it with you and that motion, anyway?—and opened the letter with my fingers. Taya seemed to lean up, trying to read the letter from beside me. Given that it was from the princess to me—or you, I suppose—I didn't let her get a look at it.

"Princess Celestia needs me?" I muttered after a moment. "But it doesn't say what she needs." _Well, I'm sure I'll have time to respond and find Navarone before transportation gets to me._ "It just says to send the letter back if I can help her. So here you go, Spike." I passed the letter back to him.

With a hot green flash, the letter disappeared, swirling away with a small foggy effect that I had never noticed before. "Now I just gotta find Twilight. Do you know where she is?"

I took a moment to look at the large clock tower before responding, "She's probably at a picnic in the park right now. I need to talk to Rarity, so I'll walk with y—Oh Celestia!" I had time to exclaim before being teleported to some unknown destination. "P-princess!" She was standing right in front of me, wearing a smile I don't think I had ever seen on her before. "I... I thought you were going to send a chariot!"

Is it bad that the first thought in my head was that I just lost the competition for sure? That it didn't even cross my mind what she wanted?

"Well, I was in a hurry," she answered, slowly walking to me. When I had the peace of mind to look away and around, I saw that we were in some bedchamber I wasn't familiar with. "I _should_ be dealing with a small event right now... but I sent Twilight and her friends to deal with it instead. Twilight's so easy to pawn my busy work on... Anything to please her teacher. And she gives even the most unimportant task I give her all of her thought. So useful."

My mind almost froze at what she said. "B-busy work?"

"Of course. Can you believe I actually got her and her friends to take care of sending a _dragon_ on his way some years ago? I could have done it in hours, but instead I pawned it off on her and her friends to take a nice long bath."

_She's been using us! That... that whorse!_

I opened my mouth to give her a piece of my mind, but when I did so something slipped inside, her horn glowing. Whatever was inside my mouth wrapped around the back of my head, tightening and choking off my response. "Well, I needed another break," she continued huskily, still smiling and drawing up close to me. I saw then that she wasn't wearing her tiara, her shoes, or her necklace. My eyes widened as I had a realization and I looked down to see the ballgag in my mouth. "Yes, my little human... I think it's time for another of our little trysts. After all, I still need some... heh, revenge for those pictures you gave to the newspaper."

I knew I wasn't a pony anymore, but I could practically feel my ears twitching in horror. I began backing away, trying to pull at the gag on my mouth to tell her no, that I wasn't who she thought I was, that she didn't want anything from me... but I tripped over a bed, falling down onto it.

"It's only a shame that I didn't think to get your gender stones... I've heard you picked up a thing for stallions. Oh well." Her horn lit up brighter and I felt my shoes tug off, followed by my socks. I tried holding onto the pants, but she pulled my hands away like I was but a foal. When I shook my head, she stopped for a moment, pulling the gag away from me. "Is there a problem?"

I didn't really want to tell her that I was Rarity and that she just said what she said about Twilight in front of me. And I couldn't think of anything else to say... So I just went with the age-old excuse all mares have used at least once in their life. "I have a headache!"

Her smile deepened as the gag blocked my mouth again. "Good thing sex is a painkiller."

_Oh Celestia, why..._ My pants ripped off, revealing your shame for all the world to see. What happened next is...

Rarity broke out of her stupor. "It... I don't think I can talk about it, Nav."

"I've been through worse. Trust me when I say that the only way to get over it is to tell someone else. And really, who else are you gonna tell? Celestia's the law of the land and everyone but me, Cadance, Shiny, and her sister think of her as a motherly ruler. And you, I guess. Going over it in detail is the only way to start getting over it."

She was silent for almost a minute before she continued talking.

(Sex is coming up. If you want to skip it, ctrl+f "Sex is over")

When she got my pants off, her smile turned wicked. "I've been needing this for a while now. I should have arranged it sooner." Her horn lit up even brighter, like the sun she was so famous for, before it died off. In Celestia's place stood a giantess, a human that would have stood around half a meter over me had we been standing. "Oh, I am going to enjoy ravishing you yet again."

My impossibly wide eyes seemed to grow even wider as she forced my hands up, sliding the shirt off my body. Soon, I was entirely exposed to her groping eyes. She smirked at my attempts to cover myself with the blanket, her horn lighting up and holding me rigid. I still managed to flinch as I felt something caress a fleshy protrusion that I hadn't until then been paying much attention to.

"I hope you don't mind if we skip some of the frivolities. Normally I'd spend more time toying with you, but I really need it. And so, it seems, do you..." My eyes flicked down to my rising... ahem, member. _Why are you betraying me? Stay down!_ I heard a faint giggling, but I don't think Celestia's mouth moved... The rest of her did, though, as she fell onto her knees on the bed, crawling on top of me and pinning my arms down as I tried to push her away.

"Isn't this nice, Nav? Just you and me, on a bed, like old times. We haven't done this nearly enough recently. Shall we let the games begin?" Before I could frantically shake my head, her hands let go of my arms and moved to my wings, each finger jamming onto an epicenter of pleasure, making my eyes roll back as I moaned into the gag. "Oh my, feeling vocal tonight? Maybe you'll actually let me hear your pleasure for once."

_W-what? Is this what pegasi feel?_ As that thought left me, she lowered a certain other part of her anatomy onto me, molding her blooming flower bud onto my stem. I... I'm ashamed to admit that I might have blanked from the pleasure for a moment, the intense feelings of warmth and tightness sucking me in. The utter wrongness of the situation left me for a critical moment... And I forgot that I was being raped.

Celestia breathed in deep when we were connected. "Ooooh, I needed this," she whispered, adjusting herself slightly, sending waves of pleasure through the organ holding us in place. Her fingers on my wings began pumping, adjusting the pressure on me constantly, bringing me to a higher state of arousal than I'd felt in years.

After a few seconds of grinding, she slid her hips up, making me moan at the pulling sensation I felt.

"I quite like-ohh-this new you! Keep those sexy little moans up, Nav."

_Why does everything I do turn her on!?_ I tried just closing my eyes and pretending it wasn't happening, but as she continued riding me, I felt my hips slowly start moving in tune with hers! _My hips are moving on their own!_ Once again, I heard the giggling in my head, but it didn't sound like Celestia's.

Before I could put any more thought into it, I felt Celestia grab one of my hands, still going at a pace that was driving me mad. I opened my eyes to see what new horrors she would force onto me, only to find her placing my hand on her rather generous teats that were almost at my face's level. "Rub at the nipples," she demanded, moving her hand back to my wings.

I... I was afraid of what she would do if I didn't. Ignoring the horror and the growing wet pleasure between my legs, I used my fingers to rub at the soft nubs on her chest. She moaned so low I almost mistook it for a growl and it nearly made me stop.

Then I remembered that I was dealing with Princess Celestia of Equestria, who could turn me inside out if I didn't give her what she demanded. I silently gulped down some of the drool that was forming in my mouth and tweaked at her nipples, rubbing them and occasionally pulling them. As I did that, her speed picked up and she began pounding at me harder, the pleasure in my mind building to some horrific crescendo.

Honestly, looking back, I don't know how I held on as long as I did. I know about male virgins. Maybe it was the horror or maybe it's different for humans, but I think I lasted maybe two minutes before both Celestia's eyes and my eyes opened wide. A squeal of sorts escaped my mouth as my mind and member both exploded, coating her insides and thighs with sticky seed.

Celestia pulled away, pushing herself back so she could look down on me with her look of shock. "Already? I'm... disappointed in you, Nav." She sniffed and rolled away from me. "Well, I suppose it happens to every stallion eventually." I wanted to move, to pull the gag off and tell her the truth and beg for forgiveness, but I couldn't do anything but lie there as the afterglow consumed me.

_I'll never question a stallion falling asleep after again... And I don't think I'll ever call a certain human a slut anymore, not if that is what stallions feel._

Celestia patted me on the arm. "I'll go get cleaned up while you recover. Pawning that task off gave me a few days off... I hope you're ready for a long week, Nav. I'll give you plenty of chances to make up for this."

My eyes shot open wide as I struggled to move, to do anything, but her horn lit up as she walked away and previously unseen ropes jerked my arms and legs down to the bed, holding me in place.

She just chuckled as she closed the door to the bathroom, leaving me to give up in silence, mentally readying myself for the worst few days I've had in a long, long time.

("Sex is over")

"I... I can't say anymore, Nav. I just can't."

"Understandable."

"Nav, is... is she always like that?"

"Not usually so demanding, no. And she usually lets me at least talk. I guess she wasn't in the mood to hear it this time. Hey, at least Luna didn't get you. God, if you had consented to anything with her, I'd be so pissed. And you'd probably be in pain."

"So... you're not mad?"

"A little disappointed that you got to have all the fun, but not mad. I just want my body back. You ready to go downstairs and get this over with?"

"My hips... ache. I'll have to lean on you to walk down the stairs."

"I'm okay with that." I hopped off the couch and walked over to her, letting her pull on me to stand up. Together we walked to the kitchen and down into the dark basement.

Thankfully, the circle was still drawn out on the floor, pristine as it had been when we left. All three of us walked to it, settling inside it. "Taya, if you would," I said.

I felt a resonance in my horn that told me magic was being cast nearby. A second later, I found myself in a much smaller body. I sagged, finding that I was now in Taya. If I had to guess, I'd say that she was in me and Rarity was in her body.

"Finally!" Rarity yelled before flinching. "Sweet Celestia am I tired..."

"And not done," I said. "I'm in Taya's body. Try again."

Rarity rolled her eyes and started magicking. Soon enough, I was in the correct body. "Thank God. You two sort it out." I backed out of the circle, flinching at the pain, and let Rarity's body cast the spell a final time. "Alright, so it's settled. We never speak of this again."

"Agreed," Rarity answered with a nod. "Now, I think I need to go home and go to bed..."

"Before you leave, I do have a question. What would your order have been, had you won?"

She yawned, tears coming to her eyes. "Simple. A date with Fluttershy. I'll see you both later." And with that, she began walking out.

I looked down at the conjuration circle on the floor. "This needs to get gone before the naga gets back. Is it safe for Doppel to fuck with?"

"She'll be fine," Taya answered. "But it's just chalk. We could splash some water on it to get it gone."

"Hm..." I snatched Taya off the ground and jumped into the pool with her. I had a feeling that after Celestia toyed with my body, I needed a bath anyway. Taya just sighed exasperatedly when we both surfaced.

"You could have stopped it, you know," I said to Flo that night, chilling in my calm dreamscape. "Rarity getting raped, I mean. You could have warned her what would have happened if she agreed or you could have stepped in when she got there with the right words."

"I could have. And I could have pulled her into the center, too, so it wouldn't have been as traumatic. I know what you think of me, Navarone. That I'm inhuman, that I'm above many petty emotions and desires. Like love or hate... or revenge. Yes, I could have helped Rarity. But I think there are many that would say she got what was coming to her. Would you disagree?"

"Hm..." Mercy or justice? After so long in such a peaceful world, it's hard to decide which is better anymore. Or if something is even a mercy or a justice. "What's done is done."

"I know you feel a sense of satisfaction, Navarone. You can't hide it from me."

"That doesn't mean it was right... but it was fitting. Perhaps even fair. Not like it matters anymore. Forget I brought it up."

"Very well. I feel I should warn you, though... Celestia now thinks you have a fetish for being spanked."

"...She's free to try it, but I can guarantee she'll be the one with the red ass when I get finished."

"If you say so. Shall we go exploring the dreamscape? I'm sure Luna might be wondering where we went off to."

"Sure. Not like there's much else to do. Maybe I can haunt Rarity's dreams and make her suffer for the threesome I apparently agreed to..."


	88. Chapter Eighty-Six

**Chapter Eighty-Six—Rambunctiously Radical Rave**

Three days later, I got a knock on my door. I opened it to find a somewhat tired looking Spike standing there, holding a letter. "What does she want this time?" I sighed, taking the letter.

"What is it with you two?" he asked. "And for that matter, what did Rarity mean when she said she was you?"

"We did a competition thing," I said, opening the letter. "Rarity and I, I mean. Swapped bodies, pretended to be each other. As for me and Celestia, the same thing that's going on between you and Doppel. Now let's see what this says." I let him inside and kicked the door shut, walking into the living room.

"Doppel here?" Spike asked as I plopped into my arm chair.

"Somewhere, yeah. Have fun." I wasn't really paying that much attention to what he was saying, but I also didn't care.

_Ah, Navarone… Such a fun few days we had! Though I think you know all about that. *wink*_

"Wait, what? Did she seriously write _wink_ on here?"

Spike was already gone, so Flo answered, "Yes, it looks like it."

I just shook my head and continued reading. _I was wondering if you'd be interested in a nice little cool down session? I know it's been a few days, but I just can't stop thinking about it! – Big C._

"Well, it would be a good way to set the record straight, make sure she realizes just who she was fucking." After checking my neck to make sure I had the necklace with the ring on it, I set off to track down Spike.

He was standing at the entrance to Doppel's room, the door slightly cracked open. His eyes were watching whatever was happening inside with a strange intensity that I'm glad wasn't focused at me.

"Need you to send a reply," I said, taking a second to peek inside the room. Doppel was on one of Eva's personalities, having a good time.

Spike snorted smoke and turned around, snatching the paper from my hands. He sent it off without even looking at it. I was about to ask if he was okay when I was teleported off.

When I landed, I found that I was on a large bed. That's all I had time to see before Celestia's horsey body was on top of me, holding me down with her furry mass. She looked down at me with a smile.

"Before we start, I have something pretty important to tell you," I said.

"Mmm?" she hummed, her head getting closer to mine.

"The last time you saw me, that wasn't me."

She blinked in confusion. "What?"

"Long story short, Rarity and I swapped bodies. Everything you did to this body was done to Rarity, not to me."

"That's… You're joking, right?" The smile on her face transferred to mine.

"Nope. I had to go to some boring fucking statue thing in Detrot. The governor guy there is a total sleazebag, too."

"So I did… With Rarity?"

"Yep. She was traumatized. It was really funny."

"…That explains a lot."

"I'm really surprised you didn't realize something was wrong. Apparently she was terrified."

"Well, I did realize you were acting strangely. But you passed the changeling test. I never once thought _that_ might be the reason!"

"Ah well. So we gonna fuck or what?"

"I'm afraid not… All the plans I had were for the things that apparently Rarity enjoys. And… Well, I need to have a talk with her now."

"Heh, sure. A 'talk'."

She narrowed her eyes, glaring at me. "I would not do that to somepony like her, not on purpose. I will have a chariot drawn up and we'll ride back to Ponyville together. That'll save me the energy of having to teleport you that distance."

"If you go in that chariot thing, you just know Twilight will be all over you before you even land. Also, get off me; you're heavy."

"Are you calling me fat?" she asked, rolling off me and onto the floor, catching herself before her body hit the ground.

"I'm not saying you're fat… but you're fat." I was trying to sit up, but that became hard when I caught a wing to the face. It knocked me back and I coughed out, a feather in my mouth.

"Hm? Oh, sorry. Just stretching. Since we can't use the chariot, we'll just fly."

"Stretching my ass," I muttered, picking myself back off the bed.

"Well, I _was_ going to," she mused, rolling her withers. "Rarity quite enjoyed that. Let me tell you, I was really surprised, not that I was complaining."

"I don't even want to know. You ready to go?"

"Yes. It's been quite a while since I've had such a flight. Do you want to make a game of it?"

"No. Let's go."

"Oh, you're no fun. Are you really so afraid of losing that you won't even try?"

"Is it a crime to want to enjoy a nice flight? Or to spend some time with you? Christ, if you want to go fast we can just teleport there."

"If you're afraid of losing, you can just say so. I won't judge you."

"That's nice. We going or what?" I was starting to get annoyed.

She smirked at me. "You're starting to get annoyed, I think. Did I strike a nerve?"

"Bitch, I'm about to strike a nerve if you don't leave me be. Just for that…" I hopped off the bed and used my wings to propel me onto her back. "I'm riding you into Ponyville."

"I think we both know how well things went for you the last time you tried this."

"Yeah, but that was in your dreams. I bet you'd love to be broken in and treated like my personal horse, wouldn't you? All the little ponies watching their big princess get dominated and ridden like a common animal, brought low by the big, predatory human." I leaned down and gently bit the back of her neck with my canines. To my surprise, she actually moaned and arched her neck back. "Wait, you actually get off to—"

Her horn lit up and tossed me onto the bed. "Rarity can wait," she huskily whispered, turning to me. "Make me your animal!"

_Welp._

The next day, I realized why riding horses bareback is a bad idea. Totally worth it, all things told, but Christ.

Also, I had a pair of visitors. "…Who are you?" I asked, looking down at the changeling on my doorstop.

"Oh right, sorry," she answered, turning into Bon-Bon. "Lyra, stop messing with his flowers!"

The named pony walked into my view, looking at Lyra. "Hey, he has some really pretty ones!" Then she looked over to me. "Hiya, Nav! You ready to fuck?"

I think Bonnie and I were both taken aback by that. "Do you really have to be so… up front about it?" Bon-Bon sighed, a hint of a blush on her face.

"Why sugarcoat it?" she asked, shrugging. "He knows why we're here."

"Actually, I have a confession of sorts to make," I said. "That wasn't me who agreed to it."

"What do you mean, it wasn't you?" Bon-Bon asked. "I know it wasn't a changeling, because I was there. When Lyra asked. At the top of her lungs." She turned to glare at her partner. "In the middle of the _market_." She looked back to me. "I would have known if you were a changeling."

"Long story short, there's a spell out there that allows two people to swap bodies. Rarity and I swapped bodies that day as part of a bet. She thinks I'm a total slut and will fuck anything that moves."

"Well… aren't you?" Lyra asked.

"That's beside the point. I do have some rules. One of those is that I don't do anything with married or dating couples. It's an honor thing."

Bon-Bon seemed to let out a sigh of relief, but Lyra looked almost disappointed. "How else can we ever repay you?" she asked, honestly sounding distraught.

"By living together happily. And I might need to ask a favor later, but I'll leave that for if I do end up needing it."

Bonnie smiled. "I won't say I'm disappointed, that's for sure. One is more than enough for me. Two? Celestia, I don't think I could handle two of you. I—we—do have some… other questions for you, though. Do you think you could help us?"

"Depends. What are the questions about?"

"Adoption."

"Come on in," I sighed, backing away from the entryway. "I'll answer what I can." The two of them stepped inside and I pushed the door closed behind them, then led the way to the living room. "Make yourselves comfortable. You two want anything?"

Lyra opened her mouth, but Bon-Bon cut her off with, "We're fine," as she sat on the couch. Lyra looked somewhat disappointed, but joined her lover on the couch. I sat down in my chair, happy that none of them could fit easily in it.

"Well, what do you want to know?"

"First, how did you go about adopting Taya?" Bonnie asked.

"My method was rather… different, I imagine, than how most would go about it. I found her in Egypt and brought her here. Celestia gave her the choice of staying with me or going to the orphanage. She stayed with me and that was that. If you wanted to adopt, though, you'd probably want to go to Canterlot and find Celestia's orphanage."

"How did Taya take to it?"

"Very well. It was by her request that she came with me, after all. I imagine you'd have to spend some time with whoever you wanted to adopt to see if you can get along. You'd be better off not adopting at all—maybe finding a sperm donor—if you can't find anyone at the agency you can get along with."

"That was the original plan," Lyra said with a shrug.

"But we figured we could help somepony," Bon-Bon added. "Besides, it might be easier to explain to somepony older why I'm so different."

"Whatever works for you. I wouldn't be surprised if there aren't many kids there, though; I don't think Equestria breeds many orphans."

"Probably not, but we'll try," Bon-Bon said. "Have you had any big… problems with Taya? That would stem from her adoption, I mean."

"From that, no, but I believe Taya is very different in that matter. You might get some resentment if you adopt. Might, might not. It really depends on the kid. However… Well, the big part of adoption is that at some point, the kids being adopted were abandoned. Be it through death, injury, disaster, or just purposeful abandonment, they were left behind. It took me a while to get Taya to open up about it and I only even tried when I knew she was comfortable. So if you adopt one of these kids, you better make absolutely sure that you give no indication that you'd abandon them or return them."

"We'll remember that," Bon-Bon said, nodding. "Would it be a good idea to try to get them to open up about it?"

"Yes. Don't push them and wait until you think they're ready. I know I was depressed as all hell when… Well, never mind. Basically, just wait until they're ready. You'll probably know when."

"When were you depressed?" Lyra asked.

"Let's just say that Taya isn't the only one that's an orphan. Except instead of just my parents, my entire race is dead. Not important. Any other questions?" The two of them shared what seemed like a shocked look. I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I'm fine. Yes, I said that callously. It happened and that's the end of it. I'm over it. And don't ask. Now, questions about the adoption thing?"

They shared another look and shrugged before turning back to me. "How much does it cost to cover her food?"

"Not much, but I don't really pay attention to that. I usually send Doppel to get groceries. Since I don't eat much and Doppel and Eva feed off me, groceries are cheap. It would probably cost more to get them toys and a place to sleep and all that fun stuff. But whatever the cost, I assure you that it's well worth it."

"What about school?"

"Yeah… I fucked up there. I didn't put her in school, thinking the magic education she was getting was good enough. Definitely put your kid there. You'd have to talk to Cheerilee to get the information about it. I can't really help you with bullies. Taya solved that problem for herself."

"Hm… Is there anything else you'd like to tell us?"

"One thing I learned myself about parenting, though I don't know if it's unique to Taya or what. If you treat your kid like an equal, he'll strive to earn that respect. Don't just tell him something is wrong. Explain why it's wrong, if you can. Treat them like they're smart, not like you think they're retarded. Of course, this does bring a few problems when you have to remind him who's boss, but it's usually worth it. And you might… Well, you might get some hate from other ponies, adults. Bon-Bon, you're a changeling. I've already heard a few whispers that you're just using Lyra for food. Imagine what those rumors would turn into if you adopted. I don't know if you'll actually find any trouble, but you should expect it."

"I'm aware," she sighed, looking down. Her eyes actually flickered to their real color for a second. "But Lyra and I want to try anyway. As long as the pony we adopt accepts me, I don't care what anypony else thinks."

I shrugged. "Can't fault your spirit. Any other questions?"

Lyra said, "Sooooo… No threesome?"

"I'm afraid not," I answered. "Sorry."

She sighed. "It's alright… But you," she said, looking at Bon-Bon, "are going to have to use hands tonight."

Bonnie sighed. "Yes, dear…" She looked over to me and mouthed, "Help me."

"Hm… I'm not really interested, but Doppel might be. If you really want to try a threesome, ask her. Just think, Lyra: You can have two Bon-Bons to play with."

Lyra's eyes widened and she turned to Bon-Bon with a big smile. "Absolutely not," Bonnie flatly said. "I will not have anypony else feeding off you."

"Aww… Well, I guess we can find somepony at the Clam Jousting Club."

"Hmph. Well Nav, I think that's everything we need. We'll go ahead and get out of your mane."

"Alright. You have any more questions, I'll be happy to help."

My next visitor, a few days later, was an upset Rarity. When I opened the door, she thrust a piece of paper in my face. "And just what is _this_ about?" she demanded as I took the letter in my hands.

"Let's see… 'Ah, Mistress Rarity! What a delightful experience our meeting was! Oh, but I long for your touch again, your commanding words and attitude… By the darkness, I wish you had taken me! At the time, I was too nervous, but now… Now, I want you. I _need_ you. Come back to Detrot and make me your slave of love! Lustfully yours, Intelligentsia.'" I looked up to find her practically fuming. "Yeah, about that…"

"What. Did. You. Do?"

"Alright, in Detrot, the governor tried to rape me in your body. I threw a pitcher of water at him then electrocuted him. The arc lightning hit his bodyguard, who was a changeling of the intelligentsia class who was there to spy on him. Since the governor was dead and I didn't want questions to be asked, I forced the changeling to take his spot. It turns out that he had a fetish for getting ordered around by a strong woman. I told him to fuck off. Looks like he didn't take the advice to heart."

"There are a lot of problems with almost everything you just said. First, the _governor_ tried to _rape_ me?"

"Yeah. Said he had a lot of dirt on you and that if I wanted it kept quiet, I'd play along. I didn't, so he ordered the changeling to hold me down."

"…I see. Do the others know?"

"Nope."

"And then you… murdered him?"

"Self-defense, actually. It wasn't in cold blood."

"I don't know what that means. What's an intelligentsia?"

"The highest ranking changelings that aren't royalty. They're the smartest ones."

"And now there's a changeling ruling Detrot?"

"Yep. He'll only be there for another three weeks before he's supposed to go back to his hive. You should respond to him before he leaves so he doesn't show up here."

"I don't want to respond to this filth! What if it just encourages him?!"

"Threaten to have him arrested if he shows up here. Tell him upfront that you want nothing to do with him. Although I don't see what the problem is. You don't even know the guy. And hell, you seem like the kind of girl that would be into femdom."

"And what is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"You're a dominating, conniving cunt that likes to be in control." Her eyes bulged out and her mouth dropped. "Anyway, have fun with your admirer. I'm sure you'll figure something out." Before she could say anything else, I used both hands to slam the letter down on her horn and then closed the door in her face. After a second of thought, I gently turned the lock and walked away.

The next thing of interest happened a week later. It was just a letter from Gilda, though. The fun one, not the royal one.

'Yo Nav, if you're still going on that trip thing, count me in. I'm getting really bored in this place and I keep getting proposals from a bunch of ugly old dweebs. When we leaving? – Gilda, OG.'

_Christ, her handwriting is awful._ I wrote out a quick response, telling her when I was planning on sending the airship to Europe. I was going to teleport there with Spike, Celestia, and whoever she was bringing. The airship would go before we left, hopefully getting there when I did. The goal is to keep everyone from learning that I'm leaving, or at the very least, keep _how_ I'm leaving quiet.

Here's hoping it works.

My last visitor before the shit hit the fan was a somewhat familiar face. He also interrupted a very important dream session by dragging my consciousness out of the inky void that is the dreamscape.

I shot upright, clutching at my throat and gasping, feeling my skin turn icy-cold. My bloodshot eyes met those of my assailant, a concerned looking night guard unicorn.

"What's wrong, sir?" Watcher immediately asked, putting a hoof on my shoulder.

"Never. Wake. Me. Up," I hissed, the feeling of getting forced out of the dream zone finally subsiding.

He blinked in confusion a few times before the realization struck him. "You're helping the princess with dreams, aren't you? She forbids us from waking her when she's in that state."

"I was. Now I know why she forbids it. Christ!" I shivered and ruffled my wings, trying to shake off the goose bumps. "The fuck do you even want?"

"To report a few things. How awake do you feel?"

"About as awake as you'd feel after having a gallon of ice water poured on you."

"Neither of the princesses seems concerned about Discord's probable return. Both of them mentioned the elements of harmony. I don't know if they're hiding their concern to keep morale up or if they truly don't believe it's a problem."

"Is it?"

"…All signs that _I_ see point to yes. I got access to a prisoner that worked with assassins some months ago, the ones that tried to attack Cadance and her foal. He's a madpony now, with no filter of any kind on him. He spoke of a mix and matched monster that haunts his memory. That's all I could get from him before he broke down. And I was part of a team that assaulted a monastery on the other side of the planet. By the time we got there, only a few survivors remained. Each was stark raving mad and close to death. One spoke of a unicorn with a destroyed but active horn. Two wailed about a creature of legend and madness come to spread chaos to their minds. One old pony just rocked back and forth, muttering about seeing forever. I heard he withered away in prison. The only coherent thing we got out of him was a single word… Anonymous, whatever that means."

That hit me like a brick. "Anonymous?" I whispered, blinking. "How would he know that name?"

"That's a name?" Watcher asked. "Who is it? That could help with our investigation!"

"It's… a human thing. I just can't imagine how a pony could have known about it… But yes, all of this definitely points to something. Something big. Did you show the first prisoner pictures of the statue?"

"I did. That's what made him break down. He _did_ say one thing before I was forced to leave, though. Empty. That's all he said. I believe he was referring to the statue. When he said that, I remembered what you told me about it being hollow and went to check on it for myself. There's nothing in there. I'm positive he's free."

"So what do we do? If the princesses didn't believe you or Reginald, they won't believe me. And what can we do against something like him?"

"Us, nothing. And you're right, they wouldn't believe you… Which is what led me to a conclusion. You, Sir Navarone, are hiding something. Something that might give us an edge, I believe. I won't pry, though Celestia knows I could. No, I decided, and my troops decided with me. We're going with you, if the offer still stands."

I felt a smile coming to my face. "It does. It's… good to have you and your hardened troops aboard. Before we leave, though, you'll all have to muster out of the guard. I don't want any old allegiances pulling anyone behind."

"I have nothing but veterans. We're all due for retirement. And if we come back wanting to rejoin, I believe Celestia will allow it."

"Excellent. Make the arrangements. Let me write out the information you'll need…" As I rolled out of bed, I felt a growing sense of elation. Sure, an old eldritch horror was probably running free and seemed to want to finish the extinction he started millennia ago, but everything else was looking up. I had my griffin and I had a battle-hardened group of soldiers with me. I was starting to feel more confident about the coming trip.

Okay, not quite the last thing… A few days after that, I received a reminder in the mail about a party I was forced to go to, Luna's so-called 'Rambunctiously Radical Rave.' I swear to God, these damn horses need to get better PR departments or something. These names are awful.

Either way, I got the official 'invitation,' which for some reason implied that I had a choice in the matter. It did not come with any secondary invitations for a date. I decided to show up with one anyway, because it's not like the guards would stop me and pissing Luna off is always fun.

Picking who to take was the hard part. I mean, it was already narrowed down to Pinkie and Rainbow Dash, but I didn't know which of those would enjoy it more. In the end, I flipped a coin and decided mid-flip that fuck Pinkie, I was taking Dash. After all, she's less annoying and wouldn't annoy me all night.

…It never occurred to me to take Doppel or Eva, strangely enough. Which, as it turned out, was a good thing.

Now, hunting down Rainbow Dash is a pain in the ass. Always has been. When she's not napping in the weirdest places, she's flying around at the speed of sound. Well, usually slower than that, but she does randomly break the sound barrier for the fun of it. Probably the easiest way to find her is to ask Pinkie, I've found. Unfortunately, that means talking to Pinkie.

…And also finding Pinkie. When I looked in Sugarcube Corner, Mrs. Cake was behind the counter. "Do you happen to know where Pinkie is?" I asked, already dreading the coming search.

"I believe she said that she was going to 'hang out' with Rainbow Dash today," she answered with a helpful smile.

_God fucking dammit._ "She didn't happen to say where they were going, did she?"

"I'm afraid not. You know how she is."

"Unfortunately, I do. Very well, then, let the hunt begin." Hunting Pinkie Pie truly is the most dangerous game, assuming you consider getting snuck up on and spooked dangerous.

The closest of her main friends' houses was Twilight's library, so that's where I went first. I was expecting Twilight to be there with Taya, but instead all I found was a bored dragon lounging on a beanbag and reading a geography book.

He looked up when I walked in. "Dude, can we talk?" he asked, tossing the book aside.

"Sure. What's the subject?"

"Doppel. What's up with her, man? I thought we had something going!"

_Oooh boy._ "Alright, there are several kinds of women in the world. Doppel is what we know as a complete and total slut. That means most or all she wants out of any kind of relationship is sex. I thought you knew that."

"I did! But then I saw her with that other changeling…"

"Maybe you're not understanding me. All she wants out of _all_ of her relationships is sex. Not just with you. From what I've heard, she's the town bicycle at this point. I think all the unattached stallions have fucked her and so have about half the mares. I forbade her from going after anyone too young or in a relationship, or her collection would be larger. Doppel doesn't form single relationships, or at least she hasn't done it yet. She is a nymphomaniac, physically and mentally addicted to sex. That's all there really is to it."

He sat there in silence for a few seconds before sighing and looking away. "I don't understand mares, Nav."

"Bitches be trippin', man. There's one out there for you."

He snorted. "Yeah, if I keep looking." He looked back to me. "After Rarity and Doppel, I don't know if I want to."

"You've got a long life to live. Don't swear off relationships based on two bad experiences. Besides, Doppel wasn't even a bad experience. Just not what you expected."

"I never said I would swear off relationships. Just off mares."

"…If you go gay, I won't promise to wingman for you. And you know that would just prove Rarity right. No one wants that to happen."

"Ah, you're right… I'll think it over. What was it you always said about stuff like that? 'Give it time?' I guess that's what I'll do. Besides, how would guys even have sex? That seems like it would hurt…"

"Eh, they don't mind as long as you're gentle and use plenty of lube. Ask Doppel to let you try anal next time you see her."

"Nah. I think I'm done with her for a while. That was fun, but I'm not certain I want to deal with her again. Besides, what if I walk in on her again?"

"Just go over and join the fun. I bet she wouldn't mind a threesome."

"That's… Huh. So more than one can… Hmm."

"Yeah. Now before you ever ask a girl that, know that some will find it insulting that you even asked them. And a lot of guys don't like the idea, either."

"Have you ever had one?"

"Yeah, but both times I did it, there were two girls. And then there was that orgy when I was drugged, but you were there for that one."

"I… forgot about that, actually. That night was a haze."

"I still don't remember any of it. Anyway, do you know where Pinkie or Rainbow Dash is?"

"Nope."

"Do you think Twilight would know?"

"I doubt it. She was taking Taya down to one of the lakes to do something with water and magic."

"Damn. Maybe I should just wait until tonight and break into her dreams…"

"Dude, what? Break into somepony's dream?"

"Yeah. Being Luna's knight has some interesting perks. Being able to do weird shit with dreams is one of them."

"Can you get into mine?"

"Nope. I can only get into pony dreams. If you were attuned to the device thing, I could possibly get into yours."

"Aww… Oh well."

"You're not missing much. Mostly I just fuck with people and give nightmares to those I don't like or want to scare. I occasionally also bust bad dreams. Gives me something to do. Anyway, I need to go find Dash."

"Good luck." I turned to go, but stopped when he said, "Just a sec… Are you sure Doppel wouldn't mind a threesome?"

"She probably wouldn't. You can't know until you ask, though."

"…Would you?"

"I'll think about it. See you later, Spike." I quickly let myself out before he could say anything else. _Christ, that's awkward as hell._

"Could be worse," Flo said. "At least he's asking for a threesome with a girl instead of a guy. Or just, you know, to have sex with you."

_True. Still, it's odd. And I'm not certain I should go for it._

"You really shouldn't, but it's been over a week since you last had sex. Just because you aren't addicted anymore doesn't mean you can't at least have some fun. I know how much you normal races enjoy it."

_That isn't the point and you know it. Should I really do something like that with a good friend of mine? I don't know if I should risk that kind of awkwardness._

"I don't think he'd hold it against you if you didn't. But it would be a new experience, to spitroast someone."

_That you even know that word is strange. Using it is even stranger._

"I'm not a goddess of decorum, Nav. I can let my figurative hair down. Speaking of which, you never did let me try sex in your body…"

_Fine. You can play with Doppel tonight, if she's up for it. No gender stones, though, at least not tonight._

"Something to look forward to, I suppose. I'll try to mimic you."

_Not like I'll be watching._

While that internal dialogue was going on, I was walking through Ponyville, trying to find any sign of either the prismatic lesbian or the pink menace. I couldn't see hide nor tail of either of them, which really wasn't all that surprising. Ponyville wasn't a large place, but it was still easy enough to miss someone if you didn't know where they were.

I finally found Pinkie in front of Rose's house, seemingly directing Rainbow Dash as she maneuvered an unpleasant looking cloud into position near the door. I was tempted to stand back and watch, but I had a feeling that the two of them would fucking bail as soon as they finished whatever prank they were doing. With that in mind, I walked up to Pinkie. "Can I borrow Dash for a sec?" I asked.

"Does it have to be now?" Pinkie replied.

"No, but it took me a while to track you two down and I really don't want to have to do it again. I just want to ask her something."

"Silly Navi, she's a lesbian! She'll probably answer no."

"I don't even… Dash! Get down here for a sec! Also, don't call me that."

Rainbow flinched when she heard me calling for her, but when she realized it was just me she didn't waste any time joining us on the ground. "What do you need, Nav?"

"What do you think of rave parties?"

"They're alright, I guess. Why?"

"Luna's hosting one. I figured you'd enjoy it. Want to go?"

As I was expecting from asking that question in front of Pinkie, she was suddenly all up in my face. "Oooh, oooh, can I go?"

"No. Dash?"

"Could be fun, I guess. When is it?"

"Why can't I go?" Pinkie whined.

"Because I can probably only get one other person in. It's in three days, at night. The invitation said not to dress up."

"Alright, I'm in. Although if Pinkie really wants to go…"

"Aren't you Princess Luna's knight, Nav?" Pinkie asked. "Can't you get anypony in?"

"I'm not gonna push my luck. Come by my house before the sun goes down in three days, Dash. We'll fly over there."

"Alright, see you then. Hey, you want to watch something funny?"

I had a suspicion of what they were planning to do and I really didn't want to watch that. Scaring Rose is funny and all, but it's too easy to do. "I'll pass. See you both when I see you. And Pinkie, if you get a chance, pay Spike a visit. He seems pretty down." As evil as it seems to unleash Pinkie upon someone, I knew she could probably make him smile somehow. She's good at that.

"I'll be sure to pay him a visit! After we finish up here, of course…" Dash took off again and went back to the cloud. I just shook my head and walked off, heading back towards my not so humble home.

That night, Flo got to pop her figurative cherry in my body. It was... surprisingly erotic. Actually being able to see Doppel's reactions from a detached perspective was amazing and well worth the awkwardness I went through.

The day of the party was bitingly cold and snowy. Not at all something either Rainbow Dash or I wanted to fly in, though she pretended she was okay with it. Thankfully, she arranged for a path to be left in the clouds for us to fly out. It would still be bitingly cold, but it wouldn't be snowy. All I had to do was follow the damn pony.

"You better go slow, Dash," I said, putting on a heavy coat. The wing slits in the back slid closed over the protrusions. "If I lose you, I'm going up to break the cloud cover."

"That would be a bad idea. You should know that by now, Nav. If you try going above the clouds, you might get lost up there."

"There's a simple solution, then," I replied, smiling. "Fly slowly."

"Ugh. _Fine._ But if we freeze to death on the way because you took too long, it'll be your fault."

"I'll keep that in mind. Next time we can just go by train."

Rainbow Dash snorted. "That slow thing? Yeah right. Now let's go."

My feathers ruffled as I pulled my custom goggles over my face. "Lead the way. Following behind your flickering tail is always fun."

She smacked me with it, giving me a mock glare. "That was a one-time deal, Nav."

"Hey, I have gender changing stones… And you did seem to enjoy human chicks."

"Hmm… We need to go. Let's get out of here, Nav."

I nodded to the door. "Lead the way." She nodded and out we both went, into the cold pre-night gloom. "Christ I hate winter," I sighed, rubbing my arms.

"Stop being such a baby." I pulled the door closed, grumbling. When I turned back, she was already in the air. "Let's go."

I hopped into the air and began following behind her. Thankfully, she was going slow enough for me to easily keep up. Not so thankfully, her tail was keeping her well covered. But I've seen all she had to offer before, so it's not like I was really missing anything. On we flew, the clouds hiding the setting sun from our view and casting a premature night over our semi-clear path through the snow.

It took us about ten minutes to get out of the clouds and into the hills approaching the city of Canterlot. When we did, I was able to pull up next to Dash. "Haven't seen you in town much," she yelled over the wind.

"Haven't _been_ in town much," I called back.

"You should spend more time there! Ponies miss you, Nav. We don't get to hang out that much anymore and everyone else wouldn't mind seeing you more often. Hero like you shouldn't be spending all your time locked inside."

"Hmph. Why you saying everyone? I thought you damn ponies said shit like everypony."

"That human guy we talked to in the bunker was right, Nav: Saying things like everypony and anypony… It's wrong. It excludes everyone else, you know? And I got to thinking about it. Gilda always did give me a look when I said something like that around her." After a few seconds of silence, she continued, "I just wish some of the other ponies agreed."

"Most of the ponies in Ponyville don't see many other races aside from ponies, at least not commonly. They don't change because there's no reason to change. Racism is all well and good when there aren't any other races around. Keeps people united."

"That… that isn't right! What about Bon-Bon? Or Spike? Or hay, _you_?"

"What about us? Until recently, Bon-Bon was just as much a pony as anyone else there. Same for Spike, even if he was more obviously different. And me, I've proven my worth. I was treated like an outsider when I got here, but when I proved that I was one of the good ones, someone like Spike, they warmed up to me. All three of us are as good as ponies, now. Same small-town racism and elitism you'd find anywhere else. If I didn't have you, Twilight, and all your friends backing me up when I got here, how long do you think I would have lasted before I got run out of town?"

She didn't answer.

"That's the way things are in towns like that, Dash," I said. "Remember that minotaur that came by a few years ago? To put on a show? I heard people talking about it. No one went there for his lessons. They all went there to see a freak, to see something that doesn't belong with them. Something _unusual_. So yeah. Keep saying everyone and things like that, but don't expect most people in Ponyville to back you up on it."

"We should be better than that, Nav!" she shouted, finally turning her head to look at me. "Friendship should be above things like that!"

"Oh believe me, it is. Funny thing about friendship, though: You have to be willing to give it time. I was, with Ponyville. But it took Ponyville a long time to be willing to give me time."

"Friendliness, then! We should be able to do that! It's the bucking Equestrian motto!"

"Should and would don't mean shit, Dash. You have to _do_. You think your people should be above that? Tell _them_, not me. Nothing puts a fire under someone's ass like being shamed. Anyway, we're there. You see a good place to land?"

"This isn't over," she promised, looking back down to the ground. "Follow me in." I didn't pay any attention to what she was doing. Landing is easy, after all. I just wanted her to shut up because we were getting into some uncomfortable topics. "So where are we supposed to go now?" she asked when we were on the front lawn of the palace.

"Invite doesn't say. I figure the guards'll know. They should be changing shifts about now, I'd think."

"You sure you want to mess with the guards? They never do anything!"

"The night guards are much cooler than the day guards. And since I'm a commanding officer, they're obligated to answer my questions anyway."

"Unless they're me," a new female voice calmly said, making Dash jump. We both turned to see Midnight Blossom, commander of the night guard, standing behind us.

"Where did you come from?" I asked.

"Around. Princess Luna asked me to make sure her guests were safe tonight. I just got on scene."

"Cool. You going to be joining us at the party? Wouldn't mind seeing you dancing."

She snorted. "No. Most of my troops and I will be guarding. There will be a few guards at the party itself, but not many."

"…Alright. Can you tell us where the main area is? I figure I should let Luna know I'm here."

"I'll walk you there. I need to report in myself."

"Even better. Lead the way. Oh, and this is Rainbow Dash. Dash, this is Captain Midnight, head of the night guard."

Dash held out a hoof. "Nice to meet you!"

Blossom looked at it for a second before shaking it. "Likewise. Friends of Sir Navarone are welcome. Now come. The party starts soon and stragglers will have a difficult time getting in." She pushed in front of us, leading us to the palace. Dash and I began following her.

After a few seconds of walking, Dash asked, "So uh… Midnight, what's with the fangs?"

"They scare criminals and opponents."

"Are they… you know, real?"

"Very. Why, Miss Dash?" she asked, turning her head to look at Dash.

"N-no reason…"

"So you say," Blossom faintly whispered, turning back to face forward. "Sir Navarone, I have heard interesting things these past few months about you. Watcher is leaving the guard. Some say he's leaving them to sign on with you."

"That's interesting to hear," I diplomatically answered.

"A certain princess will be quite livid, if that is the case. After all, the servants of her servant should be loyal to her as well. Why would they need to leave her service explicitly if they are just going to serve you?"

"That would be a very interesting question, if it was true."

"Watcher and his troops will be missed. Take care of them, Nav. I can't imagine what use you might have for them, but take care of them."

I didn't answer. Dash did, though. "What's she talking about, Nav? Why would you hire soldiers?"

_Ugh._ "Don't you worry about a thing, skittles. And who ever said I hired them?"

"Well, she said—"

"That there was a rumor that they signed on with me. A rumor, nothing more."

"So you didn't hire them?"

"Nope." No one ever said anything about paying, after all. It isn't hiring if you don't pay.

…I should probably talk to Watcher about that. If they were expecting a salary, I'd need to be ready for it.

"Then what was she talking about, take care of them?"

"Watcher's a friend of mine. If he doesn't have a job lined up after he leaves the guard, I might have to help take care of him. What did you think she meant?"

"…I dunno. I just thought… Well, whatever."

"Navarone, never go into politics," Blossom said. "You would tear Canterlot apart."

"I know we don't always get along, but you don't have to insult me so rudely," I said in mock pain. "Politics is beneath me. I am merely an everyman, trying to survive by whatever means I can."

"Don't even try to pull that lie. At ease, troopers." We were finally passing into the entrance of the palace. The two guards saluted as we passed by and dropped it at her command. "I know plenty about you, Navarone. More than enough to say you're exceptional by pony standards. Human standards, I can't say."

"Exceptional, eh? If you're finally interested, I can skip out on the party and join you instead. I'm sure we can find a nice secluded spot…"

"No. The princess wants—blood, she _needs_ you—at the party tonight." _Never heard that expletive before._ "She'd stake me up to dry if I let you skip this thing."

I sighed. "Ah well. You sure I can't sneak out once it starts?"

"You don't know what kind of party this is, do you?"

"Some kind of stupid rave, isn't it? I don't like those newfangled things. I'm only here because Luna's forcing me. And Dash is only here because I figured I could use her to piss Luna off for a few seconds."

"Hey, what?"

Blossom snorted. "Foolish. But it's done. As for the party… Well, I have a feeling that you'll be surprised. Princess Luna and some DJ called Vinyl Scratch prepared very well for this event. Everyone that's involved will definitely remember it for some time."

"Blossom, are you ever excited for anything?" I asked. "I swear, your voice is as dead as mine."

"A long career in a job like mine doesn't leave much room for excitement," she answered just as drily as everything else had been.

"True enough. Where the hell is Luna, anyway?"

"The assembly hall. You two are early, as you should be. I'm surprised that the princess hasn't yet told you what's going to happen."

Personally, I didn't really care. Dash did, though. "So what _is_ going to happen?"

I could see the sides of Blossom's face perk up in a mirthless grin. "Why, you're going to take a little nap."

Now, of course I know what she was talking about, but Dash had no clue. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You'll see," I told her. "This party just got interesting. And I guess that explains why Luna would need me."

"That's one reason, yes. Moral support is another. She hasn't done anything like this since… before. And even then, it had been several years since she bothered. She wants to know she has someone she can count on next to her."

"Then it's a good thing I brought Dash here. If you can't depend on the element of loyalty, who can you trust?"

Dash sighed. "She meant you, dude."

Neither I nor Blossom pointed out the obvious.

When we finally got to the large gathering hall, we found several off duty night guards talking amongst each other. A few early guests mingled as well. There was a small refreshment table set up for early comers. I saw Luna standing next to a large covered object on the stage of the meeting hall, nervously shifting her position. Two guards flanked her. Vinyl Scratch stood in one of the groups of early visitors, talking.

Luna's eyes seemed to light up when she saw us and her nervousness vanished. She did seem somewhat put off by Rainbow Dash, but it wasn't as bad as I was hoping. Either way, she didn't move as the three of us walked over to her.

Midnight saluted when we were closer. "Reporting, Princess."

"I see that, Captain. Everypony is in position, I assume?"

The salute dropped. "Yes, Princess. No signs of trouble on the way in. Permission to observe from the shadows?"

"Do what you do best, Captain. Everything should begin on schedule, at this rate."

Blossom saluted again for a short second before walking between me and Dash, going back the way we came without a word.

"So why are you up here instead of out there?" I asked before Luna could say anything, nodding toward the small crowd.

"That would be… improper," she hesitantly answered.

"It might have been a thousand years ago. Now you just seem like a dick. You should be out there, socializing."

"…Perhaps. Navarone, why is Loyalty here with you?"

"It's Rainbow Dash, Princess," Dash said before I could answer. "Fastest flier in Equestria!"

Neither of us even spared her a glance. "She likes rave parties. I figured I could bring her by. I assumed you wouldn't mind."

"I see," Luna answered, her tone icy. "Rainbow Dash, please help yourself to the small pre-party hospitalities. I need to speak with _my_ knight."

"Uh, alright," Dash somewhat nervously said. "See you later, Nav." With that, she jumped up and hovered off.

Flo whispered, "Eggshells, Nav. Be careful."

I grinned, feeling in my element. "What do you need, Luna?"

"You realize that your invitation didn't include a guest, right?"

"I don't see what it matters if I brought a date."

Luna finally grinned. "If she was your date, your voice would be a lot higher. Rainbow Dash prefers mares."

"Damn, I knew I should have brought someone else. Ah well, you caught me. Now what do you need?"

"Right now, I need you to stabilize the dream realm I have set up. They begin to grow weak after so long of not being tended to. Which leads to your final lesson in dream walking: Getting to the dreamscape while sleeping. It's the exact same as escaping from a dream. You just have to block out all your waking senses and escape as you would normally."

"Easy enough. How do I find your little dream realm?"

"Just search for my mind. You should be able to find it like that. You'll need to go into another room to do it, though. I have no idea what happens if you get caught in a sleep spell when already in the land of dreams."

"I'll find a sitting room or something nearby, then. See you when you get there."

"Very well. Would you care for a guard? It might be prudent to be watched."

"I wouldn't say no, but it probably isn't necessary."

"Better to be safe than sorry. And I need to get my on duty guards out of here before the spell is cast anyway." She looked behind her at one of the guards. "Smiles, go with Navarone. Make sure he comes to no harm."

_Christ, why is it always Smiles?_ "Yes, Princess," he happily answered.

"Well, come on then," I sighed, leading the way back to the doors. "How's life been treating you?"

"Typical guard fare, sir," he answered. "I did hear a rumor, though… Is it true that Watcher is working for you now?"

"You shouldn't listen to rumors, Smiles."

"That doesn't answer my question, sir."

"Are you sure about that? I think it was. And I _know_ it's the only answer you'll be getting from me."

"…If it is true, do you need somepony else? Security guard? Bodyguard? Butler? Fluffer?"

"The hell is a fluffer?"

"…Don't worry about it."

"Either way, the answer is possibly. I doubt it, though. The naga I have living with me apparently decided it was a good idea to swear himself to me as my sword. He's all the bodyguard I need. And he scares everyone away, so there's that. I already have a maid that also functions as concubine. No telling what the future might bring, though. Why? You looking for a new line of work?"

"I… Forget it, sir."

"Hey, you got a problem with Luna, I'd like to hear it. If it's about the captain or life in the royal guard, I don't care. But if it's with Luna, it's important."

"I have a few problems, but I don't think this is the time or the place to voice them."

"Fair enough." We were back in the hallways, at that point. "Which rooms are empty?"

"Most of these should be." He walked up to one door and rapped on it with his hoof. After several seconds of silence, he broke physics by turning the handle with his hoof. In doing so, he revealed a rather small sitting room. "This alright, sir?"

"Can the sir shit, Smiles. You know me better than that. And yeah, this is fine. Chair's too tiny, but I can just curl up on the floor."

"The princess doesn't usually need to sit or lie down to enter the dreamscape."

"She also has four legs to balance on. I have half that number. And I'll probably be there for the duration of the party." I pulled my jacket off and bundled it up, dropping it on the carpet. Then I kicked my shoes off. "Find a book and get comfortable. You're in for a long, dull wait."

He pulled the door shut behind him as I got on the floor, using the jacket as a pillow. _Flo, would you kindly send me off?_

She did so without a word, casting me into the world of dreams. I quickly searched for Luna's little world and found it without much effort. "I wonder how she built this?" I mused aloud as I entered the main room. It was a huge room, bigger than the gathering hall. The floor felt like it was made of grass or perhaps loam, but didn't leave a mess on my feet. Above me, the stars glittered in the sky, casting a pale light down on the seemingly enclosed room. The moon was full and bright, helping the stars illuminate the area. There were no walls, but there were doorways standing out in the darkness. When I looked closer at one, I realized I couldn't see anything inside of it besides glowing white words that said 'POOL'. Each of the several doorways was the same.

As I was looking, a shape appeared next to me. "I believe I'll enjoy this party," Flo said, taking on the form of a watery pony. "With this many ponies, I can fit in without any suspicions."

"When they start showing up, sure. Until then, get back in my head. We don't know what Luna has planned and I don't want to risk her sending someone else in first."

"Fair enough. It was more of a warning, anyway. I won't be paying full attention to you tonight. I think some time off is due." With that said, she flowed back into me, absorbing into my body.

Just in time, too. "Sup, Nav?" Vinyl Scratch asked, floating down from the sky.

"You. Did Luna send you here to set up the music?"

"Yeah. She just needed you to make sure this place was solid first. And that it stayed solid… Heh, apparently I'm really bad about ruining a place if it's just me there."

"Strange, but whatever. You need any help?"

"Nah. Luna showed me how everything here worked. I should be more than ready before everypony gets here. Might even have enough time for me to give you a reward…"

"What for? All I did was show up."

"For making me the biggest name in music in history! I was already famous, but with the stuff you showed me, I've spread out and pretty much remade all kinds of magical music! Dubhoof, magiconica, synthesis… Everything! Everypony else you showed that stuff to is also getting up there in fame, too, but nothing like what I'm doing. And with the weed and the alcohol… I could retire and live as long as the princesses and never go hungry."

"Well that's good to hear. Anyway, you should get to work. Don't want the guests to arrive to a dead party."

"Yeah." She started walking to what seemed to be the middle of the large area. I followed, moving slower. "Hey, you going to the Europe party this year? Heard it's in Stalliongrad. The Stupendous Stalliongrad Soiree or something like that."

"Yeah, I'm going. Lookin' forward to it, too."

"Same here, though I don't think I'll be doing much music this time. And hey, I heard the minotaurs are finally coming back to this one."

"Well that's… interesting. I haven't met many of them."

"That's because there aren't many to meet." It seemed she got where she wanted to go, because she stopped. After a second, she reared back, lifting her front hooves in the air. As she did so, massive speakers lifted from the floor, pointing in every direction.

"You know, you don't really need those. In this place, you can make music as easily as thinking about it." To demonstrate, I started playing a song in my head and projected it outward.

"Yeah, I _could_ do that. But this way, we don't have to worry about anypony else thinking a song into existence and messing up mine. I'll be the loudest one out there."

"Fair enough." She pulled up some kind of sound board and began fiddling with it.

"These speakers are mostly for show, anyway. For their benefit. In effect, I will be doing what you said. But having these speakers here means that everypony will think the music is coming from them and they won't even try to interrupt me."

"Nice. So you're pretty much set up, then?"

"Yep. I'm gonna see you out on the dance floor, right?"

"Unlikely."

"What?!"

"I like this music and I have danced to it before, but that's not really my thing. I'll be around, but probably not in here that often. Is there going to be an orgy room?"

Vinyl sighed. "I tried, but apparently Celestia wouldn't allow it. There are private rooms, though, so if you can get enough ponies together in one you're free to have an orgy. Just let me know if you do; I'll be sure to jump in now that you aren't drugged."

"I'll keep that in mind. When's this party slated to start?"

"Oh, we still have half an hour or so. Plenty of time, I think," she finished, smirking. Her horn lit up and my pants slid down. After a second of thought, I made her glasses disappear. "Tell me again how beautiful my eyes are," she whispered, looking up at me as she glided her mouth in for a special kiss.

The first guests began appearing just over half an hour later. Vinyl and I had finished before then, of course. The first dozen guests in were rather confused, looking around the landscape in shock. I figured that might be my cue to actually do something useful.

Standing up on shaky legs, I walked out of the circle of speakers and closer to the growing mass of ponies. "Welcome, all," I quietly said, using my mind to amplify my voice. "Welcome to Princess Luna's dream wonderland."

Vinyl was suddenly beside me. "Hey, everypony! Who's ready to party?!"

None of the regular ponies, it seemed. Some of them actually looked scared. All of Luna's off duty guards looked considerably livelier. "Where are we?" one voice from the group of normal ponies asked.

"You're in a dream," I answered. "Here, anything is possible. You just have to will it." As I said that, I held up my hand and encompassed it in flowing water, a ball of the stuff cooling me quickly. When I finished speaking, I clenched my fist, freezing the entire ball of water into ice. There were several gasps when I showed off the power. I quickly let the ball of ice evaporate away, replaced by fire. "No danger, no pain. It's the perfect night of wonder… Now let's hear it for our host, Princess Luna!"

I waved my firearm behind me, the flame going out as Princess Luna stepped forward, acknowledging me with a nod. The only reason I knew she was there was because I felt her enter; dream walkers have a certain _feel_ they bring with them to a dream that I found after spending some time with her in various nightmares.

When the small number of accolades were finished, she began talking. "Welcome, everypony, to the first Rambunctiously Radical Rave! As Sir Navarone told you, here, anything is possible." She suddenly grew a foot, turned white, and her hair changed to Celestia's. "You can look like whatever you want." She even got the voice right. "Not that anypony would like to be in this ratty old body, that is." When she finished that statement, she turned back into herself. "There are several portals set up in this chamber, each leading to a different area of the party." As she spoke, a few night guards quietly walked to some of the doors, presumably to take up stations. "You can tell the function of the room by looking at the portal. Feel free to explore and experiment with all the dream realm has to offer. If anypony has any questions, Sir Navarone and I are free to answer them."

_Even if, you know, I don't know shit._ After a few seconds of silence, Luna calmly said, "Vinyl, if you would?"

"You got it, Princess." She disappeared and reappeared back in the center of the speakers. "Wub a dub dub, motherfuckers!"

My cringe had absolutely nothing to do with the music that started kicking in after she said that horrid, _horrid_ line. _God, what would possess her to say something like that?_

"That's Vinyl," Flo whispered. "Am I free to join the others?"

_Be my guest. Be sure to appear as water, to show them what all is possible._

There was no answer from the voice in my head, though I knew she would have heard me even if she was already gone. Most of the crowd was still where they had landed, though the royal guards were moving around. Some of the guests took the hint and started going up to the dance floor proper or looking around at the portals.

I slipped away before Luna could turn to me and say anything. It's a lot easier when you don't actually have to walk. I just picked a random portal and forced myself behind it so I could hide and figure out what all was offered. The pool, private rooms, a bar, a dreamscape experimentation room, a fancier place, a world tour room, a dressing room, and… a _strip club_?

_I will be paying a visit there later, just to see what it's like. Until then… let's hit up the bar._

With but a thought, I appeared in front of the door to the bar and casually stepped through, thankfully not having to duck my head. Aside from the bartender and a few waiters and waitresses that looked nothing like night guards, the place was currently empty.

"First customer of the night," the bartender commented as I continued walking inside. "Welcome to the bar, Sir. What can I get you?"

"You know what alcohol is, right?"

"Not officially. But everypony here is off-duty, so the answer is yes."

"…You know what Kahlua is?"

"Never heard of it. Where is that?"

"It's a kind of alcohol. You mind if I write up a list of mixed drinks and then summon all the stuff needed to make them? I can't promise you'll get many customers for them, but who knows? If nothing else, you'll learn something."

"Sure, I guess. Not like we'll be seeing that many ponies tonight."

"That's the spirit!" I walked over to the bar and summoned a White Russian. "Try this."

"What is it?" he asked as I sat on a stool and made some paper and a pencil appear.

"A drink with Kahlua in it. You ponies like sweet things, right?"

The bartender was trying the drink, so a waitress answered me instead. "Most of us do, which is why alcohol isn't all that popular."

"Well, a lot of these drinks will be sweet." Sadly, I didn't have Flo's perfect memory to guide me. But I did remember plenty myself from the laptop, so it wasn't all that hard to make up a decent list.

"Not half bad," the bartender said, setting the empty glass on the bar.

"Yeah. I didn't get to drink much back home, but I found I had a thing for Kahlua. Need to make me some of that."

"Be careful about saying that, Sir Navarone. We may be off duty and you may be a knight, but we're still guards and this stuff is technically illegal."

"I'll keep that in mind," I drily answered. "It's a good thing I can't get arrested for what happens in a dream." The waitress was still right next to me, so I gently slapped her ass. Her eyes jerked open wide, her mouth dropped, and a massive blush covered her face. I didn't pay attention after that, though, because I was talking to the bartender. "See if you can make me a Zombie. Here's what you'll need…" I started pulling alcohol from thin air, enough to make an alcoholic jizz in his pants. I got plenty enough for the night, all set up on the bar.

"A Zombie, was it? Weird name. Let's see the list." I pushed it across the bar and he read over it. "Oh wow. That's… complicated."

"Everything you need and more is here. I figure if you can make this thing, you can make anything." I jerked up straight as I felt a hoof trailing my wing.

"I'll get on it," the bartender sighed as I turned to see the waitress feeling up my wing.

I smiled at her and got a smile in return before that caress turned very painful and she put my wing in a lock, slamming it against the bar. "Don't do that again," she sweetly said, "or I'll break your wings."

"You got it, beautiful," I answered in a strained voice. The pressure increased sharply and for a second I thought I fucked up. Then she let go and stalked off without another word. "Note to self, don't fuck with guards."

The bartender snorted. "Figured you woulda learned that a while ago. And just remember: Everypony working here's a guard. You mess with one of us, you risk messing with all of us. Sir."

"Yeah, yeah. Didn't think she'd be that pissed over a joke. Guess I better stick to flirting with the civilians."

"With all due respect, sir, you shouldn't be flirting with the guards anyway. It's not proper for somepony with your rank over them to do anything like that."

"…I didn't even think about that. Fuck I hate being a knight. Man, don't do any favors for a princess. Shit ain't worth it."

"I'll keep that in mind. Here, try this." He passed me a glass with a ton of different stuff in it.

I knocked it back and drained it as best I could, ignoring the burning pain from all the booze. "Good," I croaked, tossing the empty glass behind me and making it disappear before it hit anything. "Good enough, at least. For some drinks, you can put salt on the rim of the glass. I reckon you ponies should love that."

"Think it's a good idea to mix drugs like that?" he asked.

"Fuck all if I know. But it's a dream. Not like they'll pay for it in the morning. The crowd here starts getting too rowdy, just force sobriety into their mind and make them go somewhere else."

"Sounds easy enough. But none of us have had any real training here. And… if we can force sobriety into somepony's mind, can we also force inebriation there?"

"Yep. But Equestria's finest wouldn't do that, would you?"

"No sir. Just something to look out for."

"Good man. I'm gonna go see what else is at this party. You got any suggestions?"

"Don't bother with the experimentation room, sir. You and the princess already know how to do all that stuff, I bet. Same for the world tour. The private rooms only allow for those with invites to end up in the same room. So you go in there without somepony else, you'll end up in an empty room. As for the rest, that's all up to you."

"Alright, thanks for the info." I was about to leave a tip, but then I remembered that dream money wouldn't do him any good. So instead I left a strip of paper on the bar as I walked out. 'Don't pet a barking dog.' I figure that's a pretty good tip, all things told.

There were portals to the other areas of the party from the bar, but I decided to head back to the main room to see how everything was going there in the short time since I left it.

Well, the ponies were where they should be, at least: The large room had been surrounded by a crowd of dancers who were finally starting to get into the whole dream thing. I could see Flo dancing with Rainbow Dash, using her watery body to great effect. It was interesting to see her coil around Dash's body like that.

"Hey there, human," a female voice happily said. I turned to see a somewhat large white unicorn talking to me. Her hair and eyes were both pink. "Care to dance?"

I felt a smile coming to my face as I recognized her. "Depends. Care to give me your name?"

"Oh, you can call me Sunny Delight," Celestia in disguise answered.

"Surprised to see you here, Celly," I quietly answered.

Her ears flinched and a light blush showed up on her face. "Who?" she quickly asked, looking both ways.

"I said maybe later, sunbutt. I want to check out what else is here first. Hey, did you see where Luna went?"

"No. Why, would you prefer to dance with her?"

"Just wondering what she has planned. She forced me here, so she has to want something from me. I just don't know what. I'd like to avoid her for as long as possible so she won't be able to spring anything on me."

"Ah. Well, maybe if she sees you in the company of a beautiful mare, she'll be less likely to bother you."

"That's a good idea. You see any of those around, let me know." Both of her eyebrows jerked up in surprise.

"Oh, so you don't find me beautiful? I'm hurt, Nav."

"You said beautiful, not stunning." _There's the blush._ "I'm going to the pool. Want to join me?"

"Sure. You always do find ways to get me all wet."

"What can I say? I'm sexy like that." I put a hand on her cheek and we both teleported right to the pool door. "Ladies first."

"Mm? I never took you for a gentlecolt."

"I'm not. I just like to see that flank shake."

"Oh, you'll get your chance," she laughed as she walked through the portal. I followed behind her, looking forward to spending some time in the private rooms with her. _This is probably the part where Flo would tell me that I've been spending too much time with Celestia and unless I feel like committing I should back off._

On I walked. Celestia did seem willing to change from the bullshit she had done to me in the past. At this point, I figure I'd be willing to see how far she had really changed.

The pool was interesting. We played a few games, splashed around, typical stuff. I gotta say, though: Luna went all out when making that damn water. It was a wonderfully warm temperature that sparkled in the nightly ambience, drawing me back to my time back when I was a kid. Hot summer nights spent cooling off in a pool that was only slightly cooler than the air outside, playing with my sister until we were weary enough to ignore the heat and fall asleep.

It was enough to make me sad, in a way. Perhaps Celestia sensed my mood, because she eventually asked if we could move on. "The pool is amusing, of course, and the opportunity to interact with others in such a way is refreshing, but do you not think it's time we moved on?"

"I'm down. Want to check out the fancy place?"

"Yes, we can do that first. It will be interesting to see what's happening there."

I put a hand to the side of the pool and vaulted out of it, the water around me disappearing with but a thought. Soon enough, I was fully dressed and dry, waiting for Celestia to get out of the water.

"Aren't you going to help me out?" she asked, smirking up at me. Rolling my eyes, I leaned in and held out a hand. She met it with her hoof and I teleported her out of the water and dry. "Not very romantic," she pointedly commented.

"Oh, was I supposed to be romantic? I wasn't aware that this was a date."

"I never said it was. Unless… Do you want it to be?"

"We've been over this, Sunny. And we're not going over it again, especially not in a place where your sister holds all the power. Now let's go." Thankfully, she let the point drop as we walked over to the portal leading to the so-called fancy place.

"After you," she casually said when we got to the portal. At my raised brow, she added, "You aren't the only one that likes seeing flank."

"It's called ass. I don't have a flank." She just smiled as I walked on through the portal. "Not like I have much to sh—Holy shit." I stepped away from the door so Celestia could get in behind me as I just took in the sights. This place was fucking decked. Think _Titanic_ levels of fancy, with richly gilded walls and flowing arches, though there wasn't a ceiling. The room itself was set up like a ballroom, with a few tables near where we came in, a stage on the far side, and between them, a dance floor. A single candelabra chandelier hung seemingly from the moon, casting off a pale glow that lit the room more than it should have.

At a few of the tables sat groups, mostly couples, and waiters and waitresses in fanciful garbs seemed to dance as they kept up with orders and requests. A few couples danced to the haunting melody played by Octavia and a few other instrument players.

"Luna really outdid herself here," I was finally able to say, nodding in approval.

"She had plenty of help," Celestia replied. "You want to dance?"

"When the next song starts, if it's one I know. For now, let's grab a table." We both walked together to one of the tables, with large tablecloths completely covering it all the way to the floor, nearer to the dance area. When we got over to one, I sat down.

She looked at me disapprovingly. "Not even going to pull out my chair?"

I rolled my eyes and used dream magic to push it back. "There, happy?"

She daintily sat down. "It will do. For now."

With her grudging approval, I pulled her back in. "As much as I despise magic, it's nice to be able to occasionally do some of this."

"Oh? You _despise_ magic now?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I think you know my position full well."

A new voice spoke up. "Can I get you two anything?" a tiny mare asked.

"No thank you, Dew," I answered after taking a second to dredge her name from my memory. "We need anything, I know how to get it here."

The little horse smiled, happy I remembered her name. "Yes sir. If you do end up needing anything, don't hesitate to call." When I nodded, she wandered off.

"You know her?" Celestia asked.

"Yeah. Worked with her during the war games. Nice girl, really useful. She helped me break Luna out when Shiny went full retard." She burst into giggles at that. "I know, it wasn't his finest moment. So, you have any more fun with Rarity?"

"…Rarity?"

"Yeah, after you apologized for accidentally raping her. I figured once you finally found someone that liked getting pegged in the ass, you would spend more time with her. Or was she less than willing?"

Poor Celestia was blushing up a storm at that. "I… I didn't, no. It isn't proper to spend time in such a manner with somepony we rule over."

"Oh, but it's okay if you do it with me?"

She got over the awkwardness and smirked. "Navarone, nopony rules you. Not with any kind of chains."

"True enough. You want anything? Hunger or thirst isn't really a problem here, but tasting is still possible."

She licked her lips, looking at me with half-lidded eyes. "I can think of something I want…"

Before I could stop her, she slipped under the table.

(sort of clop incoming. Ctrl+f "Sex is finished" to skip)

I sadly knew exactly what was coming. "Not in public," I whispered, hoping she would leave me be. The only answer I got was my pants disappearing. I felt hooves pulling my legs apart and then there was hot breath against my member. When she bumped her nose up against the tip, I swallowed, hoping I could keep a straight face.

Then she took me in her mouth and I immediately felt a blush come to my face. I closed my eyes, thinking, _At least no one here is going to bother me._

"Feeling well, Sir Navarone?" Octavia's cloyingly pleasant voice asked, making me inwardly groan.

I opened my mouth to answer, but Celestia took that moment to bob down, taking all of me inside and wrapping her huge tongue around me, so all that came out was a croak. Both of Octavia's eyebrows rose as I recovered. "YeS!" I hastily said, trying to keep my composure and failing. "Just… Fine!"

"Are you sure? You seem uncomfortable."

_Why did it have to be Octavia? I could have just told Vinyl the truth and she would leave… or join in._ "Very. Very—" Celestia withdrew most of the way, circling the tip with her tongue. "Fine," I coughed out.

"I… see?" She pulled the seat Celestia vacated out and sat down. "Oh, do you mind if I join you? I don't mean to intrude?"

"It's—" My breath caught again as Celestia went back down and began bobbing in earnest. "Ooh… It's alrIght!"

"Well, if you're sure. Ah, waiter, do you happen to have any wine?"

The random waiter she flagged down shrugged. "I don't know what that is, sorry."

"Oh… Thank you anyway." She turned back to me in disappointment before noticing the bottle I summoned and put on the table, hoping it would stop her from asking me questions for a little while. "Oh! Thank you, Nav. I just got a taste for this when I was staying with you that short while."

"No… No problem," I breathed out, trying to block out the feeling of Celestia changing tactics, going much slower and using considerably more tongue, squeezing me all around with that freaky horse tongue.

"I know it's no problem, especially not in this dreamscape, of all places. I just forgot that I could get it myself. Ah, do you mind opening it?" With but a thought—a hearty effort, given what Celestia was doing to me—I willed it open. "Thank you. Once again, I forget that I could do it myself…" She didn't forget that she could bring a wine glass into being. "See, I do learn." She pulled the bottle up and poured for herself. "Do you wish to partake?"

"No—God yes!" Celestia began using fucking _wings_ to start caressing me as she pulled away. I felt my fingers clenching on the table, trying not to reach down and strangle her for doing this to me.

"…Are you sure you're feeling okay?" she asked.

I nodded, not trusting my mouth, and pulled a glass from nowhere, filling it from the bottle.

"Do you care for a toast?" she asked. I shrugged. "To Princess Luna and her dreams, then. A more… interesting party, I shan't find again." I lifted my glass to that, forced to agree, and knocked it back, eager to do anything to take the edge off what Celestia was doing to me down there.

Five minutes later, I was no closer to drowning it out, but I was getting closer to ruining it for her by cumming. Octavia was still sitting across the table, talking about what she had been up to since last I saw her. Lord, I was trying my best to pay attention, but Celestia was fucking torturing me down there. I think I felt her hair moving in to join the rest of her efforts down there.

Octavia was on her seventh glass of wine when she went quiet. "You know, Nav, I never really did get a chance to thank you for what you did for all of us musicians."

"It's alright," I very hastily answered, trying to get her gone without being too rude.

"I know you always say that, but I do want to find some way to show my appreciation. And I think I know just the way to start."

"Oh?" I had to try my hardest to make that a question and not a moan of pleasure. _God, I'm getting so close…_

"Yes… Please don't be mad about what I'm about to do."

I lifted an eyebrow as she quickly moved, reaching down to the tablecloth. "Wait, what are you—No!" She slid down under the table…

And slid back up again, just as quickly, wearing an extremely red face. Both of her eyes were constricted almost to her pupils. "I-i-i-i… W-w-well, this was an interesting talk, Sir Navarone. I… I will talk to you… Bye!" She jumped up and galloped off, practically diving through the closest portal.

I heard giggling from under me as Celestia continued her task. I just dropped my face into my hands as I came, filling her mouth with my seed. After a few seconds to make sure she got every last drop, she pulled herself away from me and spent a little while licking my flaccid member, making sure I was all clean.

When she finally tortured me enough, she pulled herself out from under the table, taking her place in the chair again. Her wings were gone and her hair wasn't moving any more.

("Sex is finished")

"Mmm… That was fun," she sighed, licking her lips.

"You have no shame."

She giggled again. "Of course not. I'm in disguise, remember? Besides, I'm sure Octavia will be discreet. After all, I think she was about to do the same thing."

I rolled my eyes and snatched the bottle of wine, bringing it up to my mouth and taking several large swallows. "Well, you scared the main music player off. Time to move on?"

"Very well. What did you have in mind?"

"Do you know what the dressing rooms are?"

"Just a chance for everypony to try on different clothing—or different bodies, if they so choose. Things they can't really do in real life or lack the means to do. Ooh, do you want to watch me try things on?"

"I think I'd prefer to see the real you doing that. We can meet up in one of your dreams one day, if you promise not to fucking body slam me next time."

She chuckled and replied, "I'll think about it. So what else would you like to do? There's not much else… Unless you want to take a tour, play around, or dance."

"I want to see what the strip club is. I have no idea what a pony would do for that."

"Ugh. Do you really want to see something that I can do better than any mare?"

"I just want to see what the hell they're doing. A pony strip club sounds silly as all hell to me. You don't wear clothes anyway, so why would it matter if you started taking them off?"

"Very well," she answered in a longsuffering tone. "I suppose I can humor you. This time. However, _I_ am going to the changing room. Meet me there when you are finished with your debauched deeds."

"Sure thing, sunbutt. I probably won't take too long. Like I said, I just want to see what that place is all about."

"So you say. I'll see you soon, Nav." And with that, she was gone, teleported away to wherever she wanted to go. _Didn't know Celestia knew dreams that well_.

I shrugged at my internal monologue and leaned back in the chair that was suddenly an extremely nice desk chair. After what she did, I really needed a moment to recover. It wouldn't do to have shaky legs on the way, after all.

After a few moments of quiet, I heard a voice clear to my side. "Having a good night, sir?" a male voice asked. I popped an eye open and beheld Steel Rain, the leader of the raiding group I led.

"Yep."

"I can see that. You're not wearing any pants."

A quick snap and a very large blush changed that. "S-sorry about that," I hastily said. "My uh… My date was enthusiastic."

"I could tell. And I think that grey mare could as well." After a moment of awkward silence, he continued, "Is it true, sir? About Watcher and his squad?"

"Is what true?"

"That you're hiring them. That they're leaving the guard to work with you instead."

I sighed and whispered, "Keep it quiet, trooper. Yes, I'm hiring them. And probably _only_ them, though I did have a request already from someone else asking to work under me."

"I see. Can I ask why?"

"Yes, you can. But I wouldn't answer you. No, that's a secret that not even Watcher knows yet. Be sure to keep what I told you to yourself, too. I don't want everyone knowing, you know? Christ, I can already imagine Luna's gonna be pissed."

"She knows he's leaving, but I don't think she knows why. She'll probably miss the guy, with his record. But I'll keep it quiet, sir. You need anything before I get back to work?"

"Nah. I was just about to go. Talk to you later, Steel."

"You too, sir." And then it was just me again. I hopped out of the chair, eager to get away before anyone else disturbed me—or asked why I hadn't been wearing pants until just then. Onward I went to the portal labeled 'Strip Club', wondering what new delights or horrors I had in store.

When I stepped through to the other side of the portal, the first thing I noticed was the swirling mist of the ground, flinching away from my every step. Despite the fog, the room was actually relatively warm, something I'm sure most of the patrons appreciated. There still wasn't a roof over this building, but all the many stars were various colors and much brighter, casting a veritable light-show of colors down on all the inhabitants. The moon itself was an almost bloody crimson , giving the entire room a pale reddish glow.

"Mares or stallions, Sir Navarone?" I was asked by a doorman before I could examine the rest of the room.

I snorted. "Humans or dragons, if you have them. Lacking those, I wouldn't mind seeing the mares."

The stallion lifted an eyebrow. "I'll have to mention adding different races to the princess. She didn't think about that. Anyway, to your left are the mares. The only rule is no touching. You get feely, you'll get booted."

"Understood. I'll behave." The guard nodded and shut up, giving me a chance to see the rest of the place. All of the portals out were lined up behind me, meaning everyone who came in had to go through this little process. Before me stood two large guards, presumably bouncers or doormen, seeing to the needs of those who enter. They stood before a long wall, encompassing the entire area. Two more portals were built into the wall, one with a sign saying mares and the other with a sign saying stallions. I stepped through the door on the left.

This new room had the same lighting scheme as the previous, with the various colors all held within a red glow. _Luna takes her red light districts literally._ A large number of stallions littered the room in various kinds of chairs, clustering around a few tables with pole dancing mares—and a few that forwent the pole to just gyrate madly. There was a bar on one side of the large room, but it didn't seem like it was getting much use.

Only a single one of the dancing mares looked anything like a night guard, and she just wore the form of one Midnight Blossom. Several illustrious mares were represented, including Fleur de Lis, Spitfire, _Rarity_ of all ponies, Sapphire Shores, Cadance—surrounded by male night guards—and Celestia. There were a few others, but I didn't know them offhand. Each of them was wearing lingerie, probably something copied out of Rarity's notes or commissioned directly just for the night. Not that I really cared; sexy is sexy, and at this point I'm so perverted that I don't care if it's a horse shaking her ass in my face.

Even then, I walked over to the bar. I had seen plenty enough of Cadance, Celestia, and Rarity. Didn't care to see any of Sapphire Shores or Fleur. The mare pretending to be Midnight Blossom might see me up close and personal, but only for a little while. Spitfire was hot, but I still remembered her offer and I knew I could see plenty of her if I wanted.

"So how many of these did you get permission from?" I asked the barkeep as I sat on a stool.

"Mm? The mares? Shoot, three of them are real. They figure everypony's expecting them to be in disguise so they can do what they want. Makes 'em feel pretty, all those stallions—and a few mares—ogling them. But most everypony else? Yeah, we got permission."

"Kinda surprised you ain't got Luna up there. I figure she'd be down for that."

"I don't think she'd mind, but none of the guards want to risk it. Not even the stallion that volunteered to be a mare tonight dared."

"Huh. I can imagine why. Anyone get too rowdy yet?"

"Nah. They all know it's a dream and they all think the mares up there are in disguise. Still, it's nice to watch them. Especially the captain, seeing her like that."

"How hard was it to get her permission for that?" I asked, looking over at her dancing there.

"We didn't. I said _most_ everypony else. Heh, she'll be in for a fun time next roll call."

"I can imagine... Anyway, what kind of drinks are you offering?"

"Water. We got salt, if you want that. Does that even do anything to you?"

"I season my food with salt. That's all the good it does me. You interested in offering some drinks or something in here? I wrote up a list for the bar and I can make a similar one here."

He shook his head. "Nah. Ponies want to get drunk, they can go to the bar. We want them to have fun, but to keep clear heads. No reason to risk getting anypony in too much trouble, after all."

"Fair enough. Hey, before I go, I don't suppose you can tell me who up there is real?"

"Nope. Part of the agreement was that no pony would find out."

I grinned. "Hey, I'm not a pony. You can tell me."

He sighed. "Promise not to tell anypony, then?"

"My lips are sealed."

He gestured for me to move in closer. I did so. "Sapphire Shores, Cadance, and Spitfire. And that's all I'll tell you, so don't ask for any details."

Sapphire, sure, no surprise there. Spitfire? Well, everyone thinks she's hot and she has to like being in the limelight if she's the Wonderbolt captain. But Cadance? _Wonder if there are problems between her and Shiny. I'll have to talk to her next time I see her._

"Don't worry about a thing," I said, leaning back. "I'll keep that to myself. Anyway, time for me to bail. Have fun."

"Fun. Right. See you, sir."

I decided to stop by the main room again before I caught back up with Celestia. After all, seeing how the party was going was never a bad idea. Besides, I was feeling something really weird in the dream and I wanted to see if I could find Flo or Luna and ask either of them if they knew what it was.

When I got into the big room, I didn't see either Luna or Flo. I did, however, see something that horrified me more than either ever could: A hint of a red glow around one of the guests before the pony in question jerked his head to me. That was all I had time to see before the fellow appeared right in front of me, tackling toward me.

As soon as the vagrant tackled me, we teleported so high up that the party room was a mere speck below us. Thankfully, he paused as soon as he touched me, giving me time to throw the fucker off and summon forth a submachine gun. "Wait!" an all-encompassing voice screamed at me, so loud that I lost my concentration and the gun disappeared. I think my eardrums almost broke and I covered my ears, squeezing my eyes shut and nearly falling down.

Didn't stop the vagrant from continuing to talk, sending the words directly to my mind. "I am subprocess AI #255, guarding the dreams of the sub race 'pony.' What word is there from outside, master?"

I forced my eyes open. "W-what?" I whispered. The thing that tackled me was a pony no longer. Now it was a translucent human, glowing a pale red. Its eyes were fixed on me. When I spoke, its head tilted.

"More data required? This unit travels the matrix of the dream machine Morpheus, enacting the directive left behind: Destroy all external influences that are not human in nature. I am the artificial intelligence, number two hundred and fifty-five, one of ten thousand guarding the dreams of the new races and one of one hundred guarding the dreams of ponies in particular. We have been cut off from contact with new directions and our masters for [invalid input] years. You are the first contact we have had since then. What are your orders?"

I blinked a number of times, trying to figure out what the hell he was talking about. "Where... How did you find this place?"

"There are hundreds of intelligences in this bubble. It is a beacon to all of us. I had come to destroy the creator of this prison to release the minds of those that are trapped. The great destroyer will not corrupt any of these creatures while we are active."

"Uh..." _Maybe he's talking about Discord?_ "The situation here is... under control. Have you ever... dealt with an uh... An intruder that looked like a pony? Dark blue, long flowy hair?"

"This disguise is known. This unit has not dealt with it, but the form is in the database, under attack on sight."

"Uh huh... Listen, can you, like, take her off that list?"

"Negative. The disguises of the enemy are many and great. We shall take no risk of corruption."

"How are you certain I'm not one of the disguises?"

"Simple, master. We were told to look for you. And we were told you might have orders for us."

"Is removing her from the list an order?"

"Negative."

"Shit. Well, I don't really have any right now, other than leave this... bubble alone. How do I contact any of you in the future if I need you?"

His arm shot out and grabbed mine. A second later, we were ejected from the dream, forced into what Luna called the anteroom. "This is the control chamber," the vagrant said. "Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender." A second later, three more floating red figures appeared. "Should you need assistance in the future, we come at your call. What are your orders?"

"No orders, just more questions. Can you guys access any dreams at all? Even dreams that aren't from ponies?"

"We are delegated to ponies," the original guy answered. "We have no interaction with any of the others. Nor do we have access to the databanks pertaining to other dreams."

"Shit. Why don't I ever see you guys out here?"

"We pick a dream and guard it. There are other defense mechanisms in the control room that are supposed to keep out invaders. We deal with those that break through it." _So how did Luna manage to get around those?_

"Huh. So do you guys know any history? Like what happened between when the machine was made and now?"

"Negative."

"Fuck. Do you know where I could go to find any?"

"Negative."

"Dammit! Can you at least tell me how old the machine is?"

His mouth opened. After a few seconds, he garbled, "[Data corrupted]"

"Christ... Is there anything _useful_ you can tell me?"

"Define useful."

"Ugh. I'm going back into the dream. Flag it as safe. I don't want any more of you guys gate crashing it. Alright?"

"Order accepted. Have a good night, master." I rolled my eyes and floated back into the dream. Forcing my way back inside was easy.

When I got there and started thinking about it, though, I realized something. _Did that bastard say this machine was _built_ for the dreams of the _new_ races?_ That... That had so many possibilities attached to it! Did the humans create all the new races? Or did they create a few and let evolution sort them out? And just how did the machine connect all of them? _Christ, I need to find Flo. She might be able to make sense of this bullshit._

But honestly, that wasn't a very pressing concern. I did give her the night off and I knew she needed it. Besides, I didn't see her in the main room. There's no telling where else she could be. So failing that, I went to the dressing rooms to find Celestia. Thankfully, the majority of the crowd in the big dance room was spread around the speakers at the center, leaving plenty of walking room around the area to get to the portals. Not that it really mattered, but sometimes walking is fun.

When I finally got to the dressing room, I saw a number of different branching rooms all set up for privacy, if anyone wanted it. I don't honestly see why it mattered, given the damn ponies don't wear clothes anyway, but whatever. On I walked down the long row of rooms, looking for any hints that the great white horse would be in one.

When I was dragged into one of the large rooms halfway down the row, I realized I found who I was looking for. And she was wearing some rather sexy lingerie, all dark red and sensual. "Nice look," I commented, summoning an awesome lazyboy chair

"You think so?" she asked, looking back to a mirror behind her. "I'm not certain red's my color."

"Eh, it probably goes better with darker ones. That shade of red, at least. You try fishnet stockings yet? Garter belts? And saddles look pretty good on you guys, too. Gives you that nice submissive look. You could probably do something with those shoes you always wear, give them some heels or something. Maybe some pierced ears, though those might be hard to hide come morning when all the fun is done. A collar wouldn't go unnoticed. Same for a little bow around the back of your tail."

She looked like she was making all kinds of mental notes. "So... all that is how you humans dress to look sexy?"

"Not the saddles. And pierced ears aren't really used to look sexy, but they are considered a thing of beauty. But the rest of that, yeah. Gets me nice and hot, too. As much as I discouraged it, I'm not entirely disappointed that Rarity brought lingerie into Equestria."

"Hmm. Let me try..." She started matching my suggestions. Fishnet stockings slowly crept their way up her front and back legs. When they were all the way in position, frilly red garters pulled them tight. A little bow slowly appeared around the base of her tail, holding it up nicely. A saddle built itself up around her back, tightening against her belly. _That would probably be uncomfortable with wings._ She didn't bother with the earrings, but a collar did appear around her neck and garter straps pulled taut between the saddle and her stockings.

I nodded in appreciation. "Yeah, that's pretty fucking hot. What about the shoes?" After a second, richly decorated silver horseshoes appeared on her hooves, giving her another few inches in height. "Yup. I'd fuck you."

She grinned in delight. "I'm very happy to hear that, though I didn't think it would taking clothing to make it possible. Now, how about you? How shall you dress up for your loving mate?"

"Guys don't really do lingerie or sexy clothes. That's more of a woman thing. Gay guys, sure. And maybe as a prank. But me, I'm not into it."

"Oh? Are you sure you aren't just lying so you don't have to do anything?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure that isn't the case. Hey, you want to try anything else on? I always did like short skirts. Though uh, I guess upskirts aren't really that much of a thing with you ponies."

"...Upskirt? Does that mean what I think it means?"

"That people try to peek up your skirt to get a good view? Yes."

"And you did this back where you came from?"

"What can I say? I'm a skirt chaser. Can't help it."

"It's good to know you were always such a pervert," she drily replied, willing her clothing away.

"Hey, you can't talk! You raped Rarity."

"True, I suppose. Though that doesn't change the fact that you're a pervert."

"Meh. What do you want to do now?"

"Well... We never did get a chance to dance since you scared the musician away."

"That was your fault, not mine!"

She didn't even acknowledge it. "So would you care to go dance in the main room?"

"Not really, no. I'm not a fan of dancing to dubstep. Or anything else she'd be playing in there."

"Hmm... If you dance with me, I _won't_ tell my sister your preferences in lingerie."

"You bitch!"

"Well?" she asked with a smirk. "What'll it be, Nav?"

"Fine! But I want you to know that I'll be dancing _very_ spitefully."

"Some sacrifices have to be made. Now come along!" She led my grumbling form out of her room and down the hall to the portals. The only good part about the walk is that she forgot the bow on her tail, giving me one hell of an interesting view.

When we got to the main floor, Vinyl was playing _I'm God_. "Oh come on," I groaned. "This isn't even dancing music!"

"That isn't stopping everypony else!" Celestia merrily mocked, dragging me onto the floor. _God I hate you so much._

Some time later—I don't even fucking know how long—she finally relented, letting me pull her away from the floor. "You know you had fun," she said, smiling at my bored expression.

"Bitch please. Bumping and grinding really ain't my thing, at least not in this context. You want to get me into that stuff, you should get us a private room."

"Oh? Nothing's stopping us, you know... I sure wouldn't mind."

"Hm... It seems pretty early for the main event, but what the hell? Might as well fuck you now before you find a way to drain me even more."

"Oh, you'll always have plenty for me," she whispered, leaning in for a kiss.

I held up a hand to block her. "Save it for the bedroom. And you better have washed your mouth off; you just sucked me off, after all."

"Hmph." She stuck her nose up at me.

"No reason to be pissed," I laughed, pulling out a piña colada and passing it to her. "Just down some alcohol. That'll kill the germs." _And the smell._

She eyed the booze with horror. "That's... No. Never offer me alcohol, Nav. There's a reason I banned its import, and it wasn't because it made ponies rowdy."

"I sense an interesting story!"

She sighed, looking away. "I sort of... got drunk and knocked half of Ponyfornia into the ocean." She looked over and saw my look of horror. "No pony was there! It was before the area was colonized. I went with the explorers and the natives there had something they called firewater and... The rest is history. Or rather, it would be if there were any mentions of it left in history."

"So... how?"

She looked away again. "We don't talk about that."

I opened my mouth to reply, but couldn't think of anything I really wanted to reply to that with. So instead I shrugged and said, "So, you wanna go fuck?"

"...That would be nice. Private room?"

"Private room. Let's go." With her behind me, we both walked over to the portal leading to the rooms. When we got to them, I put my hand on her neck and led her through. The room on the other side was like a decent hotel room with a single king-sized bed. After a second of thought on Celestia's behalf, the bed turned heart-shaped. _Score. Always wanted to try this!_

"Nav, do you mind if... Well, can I blindfold you for a few minutes? I swear I won't do anything you won't like."

"Sure, I guess. Don't really see why it matters, but alright." Darkness enveloped me and I stood stock still, not wanting to possibly trip over something. "Of course, if you do something bad, I'm going to be extremely pissed. You might be older, but I wouldn't be surprised if I know more about dreams than you. You'll be getting a very tough spanking."

"Spare me," she drily said, walking to the bed. I heard her plop down on it. She adjusted some before whispered, "Come on over, Nav." I slowly walked to the edge of the bed, feeling with my arms so I didn't slam my shin into something. When I got to the edge, I stopped. "Now, lean in."

Shrugging, I did as she asked, expecting a kiss any second.

Then the door slammed open. "NAV, NO!" Flo's voice screamed. In my shock, I forced the blindfold away, revealing Luna dressed up exactly as I told her to just a few short minutes ago. The expression on her face was probably as shocked as mine before I jumped backwards in horror, landing on my ass.

"What did—Where... YOU WHORE!" I stammered, backing away on the floor.

"Who the hay are you?!" Luna demanded, jumping off the bed and glaring at Flo. "These rooms are impossible to—Navarone!" She whirled on me. "I knew it! I knew she infected you!" Her horn lit up and I slid further backwards, getting held against the wall. "How long has she been in your mind?" Flo moved closer, but one of Luna's hooves shot out, freezing her in place. "How long has this corruption been here?"

"What? Let go of me, you stupid bitch!"

"No! I will not lose you, not as I lost myself. I knew you had a voice in your head like I did, but I thought I still had time, still had time enough to save you. But if she's free and you're letting her wander like this, it's obviously too late to do this the easy way. Nightmare Moon will not take you, not like this." Her eyes lit up bright, glaring at me painfully. "I will save you, Navarone. And you will thank me for it."

"You're crazy. God, I don't know how I didn't see it before! I can prove to you that Flo is not only real, but she's here to help me!"

"How? What could you possibly do to prove this? I can't get anywhere near your mind, not with that influence there!"

"And I wouldn't want you anywhere near it! You just spent all night lying to me!"

"I never once said I was Celestia. I just let you assume. But that is neither here nor there. That influence must go and I know just how to do it. Celestia and I have been debating doing this for a while, just to see if it would help you. But now I see no choice. It is time for the elements of harmony to be assembled."

"The... Hell no! I know what they did to Discord, you crazy bitch! And I know what they did to _you_! I'm not turning to stone and I sure as hell ain't going to the fucking moon! You can go eat a dick, because I'm out!" With that, I finally used the dream magic to force myself out of the dream, into the anteroom. When I was free, I reached a hand into the dream, where Luna was looking around in shock, and grabbed Flo, ripping her out with me. She immediately reabsorbed. "Access subroutine artificial intelligence defender!" Three of the AI things immediately appeared. "This dream is in lockdown. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Understood?"

"Yes, master," all three instantly replied.

I jumped out of the dream, pulling myself out of my waking-dream state. When I got outside, I saw one batpony hovering over me licking her fangs. I blinked until I could see Midnight Blossom more clearly. She gasped when she saw my eyes fully open. "I... I can explain!"

"Don't care!" I rolled over, grabbed my jacket, and jumped to the door. Strangely enough, my belt was undone, but I was in too much of a hurry to care why. I hastily threw the door open, buckling my belt as I ran down the hall to the entrance of the palace. When I didn't have to worry about my pants falling down anymore, I threw my jacket on, finally getting to the entrance. I let myself out and continued sprinting, ignoring all the questions of the guards, until I got to the very edge of the castle on the very side of the cliff face going straight down.

With no hesitation, I leapt off, falling straight down toward the dark lake below me. "What just happened?" Flo asked as I fell.

_Luna went fucking crazy! Er!_

"Obviously. But she was calling me Nightmare Moon. Do you really think she's so paranoid?"

_Yes! Bitch is crazy! Crazy bitches do crazy things!_

"...Fair point. What are we going to do?"

_Running is the obvious option. But how far do you think we'd get? If we run on these terms, Celestia and Luna will both be after us. No, I have to convince her that you aren't here to 'corrupt' me._

"How? If she refuses to look in your mind, there's no way you can..."

_The laptop. That's all I can do, now. Show her the laptop, and hope to God it works._

I heard Flo slowly sigh in my head. "I hope you know what you're doing, Nav. This could... Well, it could end poorly."

_Oh, I know. Christ, how I know..._


	89. Chapter Eighty-Seven

**Chapter Eighty-Seven—Consequences**

The one thing that I didn't account for in my frantic flight from the castle was the horrid weather back around Ponyville. _Shit, how am I going to get through this?_

"Go over it?" Flo whispered.

Since I was coming from so far away and so high up, I had the chance to do that, to see where it started. I did lose a lot of height in my crazed plummet from the summit, but I was able to get enough altitude to soar over the worst of the clouds.

"What really worries me, though, is that she said she's known for a while," Flo was saying as I dodged around. "I'll admit, I knew she had suspicions, but I thought that's all they were!"

_Yeah. How did she know? I wasn't as discreet as I should have been, but that should have only given her hints._

"You… You did say she was crazy. Perhaps it's true. More true than either of us thought. Maybe the princess of the night truly is insane."

_If that's the case… she needs to be put down. For my safety, as well as the safety of the country._

"We'd have to convince Celestia. I don't think we could honestly survive an attempt on either one's life."

_I'm well aware. Here's hoping we can deal with Luna as she is now. If the plan works, it won't be a problem at all_.

"So how much shall we tell her?"

_The bare minimum. That you are a human construct that assists me. No more._

"And if she doesn't buy it?"

_Then honestly, I'm fucked. The only way I can come out of it in one piece is getting Celestia there as well._

"The dream is locked down. Could you not go into Celestia's dream and ask her to meet you at your home immediately? If you get her on your side before you meet them both, you can explain what's going on and what Luna did."

_That is… a good idea. Better than having them both against me at the same time._

And if all else fails… Well, better that I have them both pissed off in another city than both pissed off in the same room.

When I got to around where my home was, I dove through the freezing cold clouds, passing through the snow on its way to the ground. Thankfully, my darkvision was able to grant me a clear line of sight to my home and I headed that way as quickly as my horrible wings could take me.

Shivering in the cold, I pushed my door open and quickly stepped into the warm living room, very happy to be out of the chilly air. I knew I didn't really have time to really warm myself up, so I hastened to my office, where I kept the laptop. With all the others in the house asleep, the building was silent as I traced my way through it.

Well, silent but for a certain hound, feeling his master's urgency. Freki met me at the office door, looking up at me with what I thought might have been worry. "I'll be okay," I whispered, opening the door and letting us both inside. Straight away, I walked to the desk, knowing I should contact Celestia before Luna could.

Before I did that, though, I slipped the ring over my finger, finally feeling safe now that Luna couldn't just spirit me away. Anyway, I closed my eyes and broke out of the land of the waking, punting my weary ass into the world of dreams.

As soon as I got there, I began looking for the dreams of one sunbutt. Given that the search function in that damn place was amazing as hell, it didn't take me but a second to find her. Without even knocking, I forced my way into the oily black dream.

I immediately regretted that decision. When I jolted into the dream, my body was encased in bright white armor and I held a sword and an elaborate shield, standing before a host of demonic enemies. I could see a tattered Equestrian flag waving desperately in the wind, a six legged monster climbing up the flag pole to tear it down. Ruins and fire littered the grounds around me. And only when I gave it some thought did I realize that I could feel a sharp pain in my back. Sparing a glance that way, I found that my wings had been shorn off.

The look also showed me a nearly broken Celestia, her flank to my back, standing against more enemies on her side. We were back to back, surrounded by a wave of monsters. Her horn had been broken off almost at the base. Even in her broken state, she looked defiant and, in a way, beautiful.

And then I blinked and it was all gone. We were both suddenly in a green field, stretching as far as my eyes could see. Somehow, this wasn't enough to wake Celestia up. But it was enough to remind me that I really needed her. "Celestia, are you there?" I asked.

"What… what happened?" she whispered, looking around. I noticed that whatever happened—Flo, probably—restored her to pristine condition. And I wasn't in that armor anymore.

"You're dreaming, Celestia," I answered. "And I really, _really_ need your help right now."

"What happened?" she asked, turning to me. "And how was the party tonight?"

"It started good. Then Luna tried to rape me and went insane. You know, about what I've come to expect. And like I said, I really need your help. Can you get to my house in, like, now?"

She blinked a few times before sighing deeply. "Very well. If you're wearing your ring, take it off. I hope you have a good reason for disturbing my sleep, Nav." Before I could tell her that I did, she woke up, forcing me out of the dream and into the dreamscape. Knowing I had to get ready, I woke up as well and pulled the ring off, setting it on the desk.

The loud pop of teleportation came a minute later. Celestia beheld me with my head dropped in my hands and my eyes closed, trying to figure out where I went wrong. She didn't say a word, just moved the chair I had aside and summoned a larger one for her fat ass.

With a weary sigh, I dropped one of my hands to the desk, sliding the ring on. "I can't believe it's come to this," I said, pushing myself to my feet. "I wasn't supposed to be the one to break this secret." Slowly, I walked to my safe. "Though it's gone on long enough, I suppose." I opened the safe and pulled the laptop out, turning back to face my guest. "Celestia, I commissioned the unicorns at the magi tower to find me a way home. They succeeded." Setting the laptop on the desk, I collapsed back into my chair, thinking of how to continue, just staring at the laptop.

"So you returned home?" Celestia prompted after a few moments of silence.

"Yeah. Me and a few others, stupid bastards they were. To make a very long story short, I brought some stuff back with me. And something interesting that I found out… You see, we humans, we have a thing for technology. We invented intelligence. Intelligence that can rival our own. And we found a way to get these intelligences inside of our owns minds. Artificial intelligence, a second mind in our own, whispering help and advice directly into our minds." Silence fell once again, me leaving the subject in the open.

Celestia came to the right conclusion. "And you received one of these."

Putting my hand to my ear, I said aloud, "Flo, if you would?" Her watery form evacuated my mind and encircled my head. I held it up so Celestia could get a good look. "Meet Flo, an artificial intelligence comprised of a hivemind of nanomachines all working together for one purpose: Helping me stay alive." I held her back up to my ear, letting her slither back inside.

"I believe I can… suspect what happened. Luna found out about this Flo and came to the wrong conclusions."

"Bingo. So there I was, blindfolded, about to kiss what I thought was you, when Flo burst into the private room to warn me of what I was doing. Where she was isn't impo—Actually, where _were_ you?"

"Toying with Rainbow Dash. The noises she makes when full to bursting are so adorable."

"That's creepy for so many reasons…" I sighed.

"What did she say?" Celestia asked.

"Not important. Anyway, she burst through the door. Luna was pissed her ruse was ruined. Then she said she had already known that I had a voice in my head, told me I was corrupted, and said she refused to let Nightmare Moon take another victim. Celestia, your sister is crazy."

She sighed, massaging a temple with her hoof. "Okay, this can be… No, it can't be fixed. But it can be resolved. IF… If you have proof that Flo is what you say she is, I can end this peacefully. If you don't, I'll be forced to agree with Luna. This sounds crazy, Navarone. You've been getting stranger and stranger and I understand why, but if there's another reason, I want to help you get rid of it. So by all means, if you can prove that Flo is a human creation gotten by somehow returning to your world, I'll support you. If not, I will be forced to detain you and exorcise you of the voice."

I opened the laptop and turned it on. "Do you remember some months ago, before Bon-Bon and Lyra's wedding, when you came here and asked if I had something?"

"I do. It took some time to get Twilight to calm down. She was quite upset over my decision to support you over her."

"She had every right to be." Quickly typing the password in, I gestured her to my side of the table. She joined me, watching the device with suspicion. "This is a laptop, a human device used for storing massive amounts of information. Flo, feel free to take control of my hands. Prove your innocence."

Something took over the movements of my hands, a ghostly wire guiding them across the keyboard.

"Are you sure that's wise?" Celestia asked, torn between watching my hands move and watching the movement on the screen.

"She's been in my head for some time now and hasn't betrayed me yet. She is prone to outbursts and pranks, but she has my—and her own—best interests at heart."

"So you say." Her eyes took to watching the screen instead. "What are all these runes? They look like… cave drawings, in a way."

"Ah fuck… Cast a translation spell on yourself. I forgot this computer was in English."

"Computer?" she said, her horn glowing. "I thought you said it was a laptop."

"Eh, basically the same thing."

The light from her horn faded and her eyes returned to the screen. "Much better, though not a lot of it makes sense to me anyway."

Flo finally spoke up. "Navarone, do you mind if I spoke to her directly?"

"Flo wants to talk to you, Celestia. Using my mouth, of course."

"Tell her no. Anything she has to say can be translated through you. Nightmare Moon and her ilk can have tongues of the purest silver when they want. I will not speak with her, at least not now."

Flo didn't respond to that. Instead, she finished moving my hands. "There," she finally said. "Let her read this."

I pushed the laptop over and angled it upward so Celestia could read it easier. "Here's your proof." _Hopefully._

"Before I read this, I have more questions. How often has Flo asked to take over your body and how many times have you allowed her to?"

"Shit, I don't know. Few dozen, maybe? Usually it's just localized, like she takes over a few body parts or something. Never for anything important, of course. Walks. Playing with Freki. Once to have sex with Doppel."

"It started like that with Luna, you know. Whispers at night, when she was alone and had no pony to talk to. Slowly, it became… something more. Luna gave up more and more control, allowing the dark spirit to take over and do things Luna thought were unimportant. After all… it's nice to finally have somepony on your side, somepony that listens."

"Are you going to read this or not?" I harshly asked, not liking where her comments were going.

"I will, Navarone. This device intrigues me. I just want you to keep an open mind. You say that you and the humans have these machines that can think, that can take over somepony. We have something like that as well. Something that preys on the minds of the weak and promises to keep them company. So while I read this, I want you to think. This Flo, what has she promised you? How much can you truly remember of the trip back to Earth and how much will the others who went with you back you up on? And of course… Will you be willing or able to show me when she was implanted into your mind?"

"Two of your vaunted elements of harmony went with me, as did one of your knights. I believe that they'll be willing to support me."

"Hmm." She was finally looking over the document Flo found. A few minutes later, she nodded. "Interesting. Would those unicorns be able to send somepony else back?" she asked, walking back around to her chair.

"It took months of planning and preparation. If you'll recall, we don't have months, given that I'm leaving come spring. And magic doesn't work there anyway, so for all you know, they'd be lying to you."

"I see. Who went with you? I need names."

"Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fancy Pants. They weren't supposed to go at all, but a monster burst into the room while the spell was being cast and scared them into the casting circle."

"They will be questioned. Would you mind coming with me to Canterlot?"

"Yes, I definitely mind that. I want to be nowhere near Luna, not after what she tried to do. I fear for my safety around her." _Especially once she figures out that she's locked in the dream._

Her eyes narrowed. "It is beyond time I dealt with this. I knew Luna had little social skills or social grace, but this is just ridiculous. It is overly obvious that you want nothing to do with her. I will make this very clear to her. I am _done_ playing nice with her. If she does not get this fact through her foolish head, she will be spending the remainder of her seven years on the moon. After I have a talk with her, you need but say the word and I will have you removed from the roster of knights entirely. Or transferred to me, if you prefer."

"What about the umbral knights?"

"I will consider it. Rules can be rewritten, after all. And if anypony deserves it at this point, it's you. However, all of this assumes that you are telling the truth about Flo. This evidence here is convincing. I need to talk to the other three before I make my judgment. Does anypony else know about this Flo?"

"Taya. And none of the three of them actually know about Flo. I kept her quiet."

"I see. They still need to be questioned, as does Taya. And what other kind of information does this laptop contain?"

"Pretty much everything. Do you want me to explain something horrifying to you?"

"Is it important?"

I shrugged. "Maybe. Maybe not. You want to hear it?"

"Very well. This has been an interesting night so far. What's a few more epiphanies?"

"When I said I found a way back home, you probably assumed I traveled to a different world or another dimension. Well, that isn't quite true. I traveled to the past. The far, far past. To a time when humans ruled the planet. This laptop here was made in the event a catastrophe happened and the world was rent asunder. Some context, if you need it: The company the four of us was captured by happened to find evidence of a certain… creature of immense power that traveled behind the scenes of our world, fiddling with events and getting into the minds of humans."

"That sounds… familiar," she mused.

"Oh, I imagine it does. You know this creature as Discord. You see, the group that found us knew of this creature and suspected he was planning something, something that would wipe humanity off the face of the planet. So they were in a hidden bunker built to outlast the apocalypse. Not only did they survive the end of the world, but it seems that they rebuilt, creating new races. New races of which you ponies—or I should say, the alicorns that preceded you ponies—are one."

"Interesting theory. But have you any proof?"

"A little. There's a surviving human installation that I found out about that I plan on visiting one day. And the dream machine that Luna uses, the Morpheus statue, that is a creation of the humans used to protect the slumbering minds of the new races from Discord's influence."

"But again, can you prove these things?"

"The dream machine thing, sort of. Have you ever heard Luna mention vagrants?"

"…Some time ago, yes. She was cursing them, but I don't know why."

"They are the instruments of the machines that fight intruders that aren't human. One invaded her party tonight and spoke with me, since I was the first human it had seen in so long. He taught me how to find more of them and how to summon them should I ever need their help."

"Hmm. And Discord? Can you prove that it was he who killed your race?"

"Now that… That I can't prove, not without giving up my source. And honestly, it's more of a theory based on some of what I know about him. It has been a long time since the death of my people and now. It's entirely possible that it wasn't this Discord bastard. But I think it was."

"And you think Discord is free right now, doing as he pleases."

"Yes. Yes I do. I helped Watcher and Reginald both build their lists of evidence."

"And Watcher evidently believes to the point that he's willing to give up everything to go with you on your journey, thinking you will find something to help beat Discord. Tell me, what do you think you'll find out there, Navarone?"

"I think we both know that I can't answer that, Celestia. I trust you, or I wouldn't be telling you all this. But there are limits to what I trust you with. You're a politician looking out for her subjects. What I'm doing and where I'm going is not open for discussion, nor is it open for you to meddle with. There's a reason Watcher and his troops are leaving the guard."

"You think I'm corrupted? That Discord is using me?"

"I know that you'd use me and what I'm doing to further your own plans. And I won't have that. Don't bother to ask anyone else, because there is a single person who knows the plan right now and that's me."

"Paranoia is another symptom Luna began showing, Navarone. Nightmare Moon whispered dark thoughts into my sister's mind. She began thinking that I was plotting against her to hold all of the power to myself, to replace her as both sun and moon."

"Didn't you?"

"Only when she left me no choice. Is this something Flo wants, Navarone? For you to go around the world in search of something? Artifacts of power, perhaps? Items that you can find mere mentions of in books?"

"She supports me in my decision, but I went back home _after_ I decided to leave."

"I see. Where is Luna now? I need to speak to her and to a few other ponies."

"I locked her in the dream party using the guardians. I don't think she could leave even if she didn't have a party to look after."

"What of Rainbow Dash and Rarity? Do you know if they are both in their homes?"

"Rainbow Dash is at Luna's party. I don't know about Rarity."

She nodded, standing. "I'm in for a very long night. Navarone, I trust you understand that I must place you under house arrest. I will send guards here soon, a mix of night and day. If you are not in this building when they arrive, you will be considered a renegade and will be tracked down. All your titles will be for naught and you will be assumed corrupted by a dark spirit. The elements of harmony will be gathered when you are found and you will be cleansed. Do you understand me?"

"Yeah. Don't go anywhere. Simple enough."

"Very good. Now, you say you locked Luna in the dream. That means you can unlock her. Come dawn, you will do so. That's when the party is slated to end and I will not have her guests panicking because they can't leave. If all goes well, I will return here come noon tomorrow."

"What happens if Luna comes here immediately?"

"Wear your ring all night until either I show up or you get a message from me. If Luna comes here… I will leave orders with the guards. No charges will be filed if you have to restrain her with force. And all of the guards will either be on your side or neutral."

"Lethal force?"

"If it comes to that, the guards will step in. Is there anything else you want to say before I go?"

"On the off chance you decide that Flo isn't what I say she is… what happens?"

"I'll give you the option of allowing me to look inside your mind to the point where you think she entered you. If I don't like what I see, you will be cleansed by the elements."

"Hm. What would that do to me?"

"Their effects are… variable. They turned Discord to stone. They sent Luna to the moon the first time and cleansed her of Nightmare Moon the second. They didn't even work on Sombra for reasons we still don't understand. A few other, lesser dangers were stunned long enough for us to get them to Tartarus."

"…You would do that to me, wouldn't you? Send me to your hell."

"Those things we sent to Tartarus… They went there because they couldn't be dealt with any other way. Navarone, if I truly thought you were a threat and the elements didn't cleanse you, I would kill you myself. It would be a mercy, compared to Tartarus."

"I think I can manage without your idea of mercy, thank you. Humans colonized that landmass long before we created you. I'd find a way to live out of sheer spite."

"And I imagine you'd live well. If that is all, I have things to take care of. Hopefully, I will see you at noon. Farewell for now, Navarone."

"Good luck, sunbutt. I hope you find the right evidence."

"So do I." Her horn lit up and she disappeared with a flash.

"If anything calls for a drink, this does," I said to no one, walking over to the open safe, where I stored the good stuff.

"That's a horrible idea," Flo declared. "Navarone, you need to be sober. Guards are coming and you do not want to show them any weakness or any signs that you are anything but resolute in your claims. Getting drunk would show that you doubt yourself and are having one last party to enjoy your freedom."

"That's retarded." I took her advice, though, slamming the safe closed instead of doing as I wanted and taking out a bottle. "If it comes to it, I'm showing her what happened when we first met. I'm not getting hit by the elements. I don't know what they'll do and I'm not going to risk it."

"I understand. You might as well take some time to relax."

"Yeah… After that damn rejuvenation spell Taya cast on me, there's no way I'm getting to sleep tonight." I walked over to the laptop and turned it off, then closed it. That done, I went on down the stairs to the living room to wait on the guards to arrive. Freki followed me down, since that's his thing. "It's a damn good thing the naga's coming back next week," I sighed, sinking into my chair. "I'd feel much better right now if that implacable mass of muscle was around."

"That's certainly understandable… Now that you finally have some time to think, there are some things you should consider. Namely, that you woke up with Midnight Blossom standing over you, fangs bared. And that your belt was undone."

"And that I don't have any stains in my pants. I got sucked off twice in that dream. My pants should not be clean."

"These things raise numerous questions."

"Questions that I don't really care about. Getting molested is rote for me, at this point. No harm done."

"That is… more disturbing than you can possibly realize, Nav."

"Hey, if it didn't hurt me and my body enjoyed it, it's hardly wrong."

"Would you have been saying that if I didn't interrupt Luna?"

I didn't have a response to that.

Half an hour later, an extremely loud bang woke me from my reverie. When I realized it had come from the door, I walked over there and opened it on up. A day guard was slumped over, facing the gate, his hind legs bent in directions that couldn't be comfortable.

"…Can I help you?" I asked.

Someone else answered. "We've been sent to guard you," Shining Armor said, stepping forward. "For some reason, he decided that involved trying to kick your door in before I could tell him this place was a changeling-made fortress."

"Well, come on in. Can't really offer you food, but it's a cold night and there's no reason to spend it outside."

Another guard stepped forward. "My troops are watching the outside, Sir Navarone," Midnight Blossom said. "Panzer and her squad are on the walls."

"And mine are in the yard," Shiny added. "With my shield up, they need not worry about the snow."

"Yeah, but there ain't no reason for you two to be out there. Especially you," I said, looking at Midnight. "I got questions for you."

"I... Yes sir," she sighed. "Captain, I'll watch him for now. He's right. I do owe him... an explanation of sorts."

"Alright. When you want to be relieved or trade positions, let me know. It's not like anything will be getting in or out of this area with my shield in place."

"Well, come on in," I said, holding the door open wider for her to get inside.

Midnight stepped over the slowly recovering day guard still in front of my door, walking into my house. The door gently closed behind her, pushed by my calm hands. She had stopped in near the front, nervously looking around. One of her hooves gently pawed at the floor.

"Come in, come in," I said, walking past her into the living room proper. "I have a feeling we're going to be here for some time and I do have questions." I waved her to one of the couches as I took a seat in my famed armchair. Freki watched her warily with his glowing green eyes.

She slowly plodded to the couch and finally sank into it. I let the silence build until she began fidgeting and finally said, "You have to understand—"

I held up a hand to stop her. "Why was my belt buckle undone?"

Her eyes went unfocused and she blinked. "W-what?"

"When I woke up and you were standing over me, my belt was undone. Why?"

"I... Sir, I didn't touch your belt. I swear."

"So it was Smiles?"

"He was the only one there before I ordered him away, yes."

"Then it is time that I had a very serious talk with that soldier." She seemed to finally relax, slumping down in her chair. "Now what the hell were you so worried about? Obviously you weren't concerned about me thinking you molested me. So what did _you_ do to me?"

Her ears shot straight down. "I was... curious about something. I was merely sating my curiosity."

"Explain."

She gulped, looking away again. "It was... a little over a year and a half ago, during a mission for the princess. She got word of some ponies going missing at night. She ordered me to look into it. When I arrived on the scene, I was... bitten. Bitten and compromised... And now you know, sir."

"...No I don't. Bitten by what? Mosquitos? Zombies? If you're telling me you're a zombie, I don't buy it."

"You... you don't know?"

"No. What the hell are you talking about?"

She sighed. "I forgot you weren't from Equestria. Eternals, sir. They have a more... colloquial name, vamponies, but they don't like that name at all. The monster preying on the populace that Princess Luna sent me to apprehend was an eternal. And now, so am I."

"Huh. That's gotta suck. And it explains a lot. So what, you were curious about how I tasted? Decided I wouldn't mind losing some blood to a cute mare?"

"More that you wouldn't notice... But yes."

I shrugged. "No harm done. Next time, ask. Why're you so nervous about this, anyway? So you're a bloodsucker. There are worse things to be."

The shock on her face was well worth losing a few ounces of blood. "You... don't care? I could be banished to Tartarus for this crime! And you just... you don't care?"

"Why would I? I'll make more blood. And it's obvious that Luna knows. Even if she is criminally insane, I don't think she would let you harm any of her ponies, so I figure you're harmless enough."

"That is... You are extremely open-minded, sir. Somewhat horrifyingly so."

"Yeah. Hey, what did my blood taste like? I've heard it's like maple syrup."

"To be honest, it's cloyingly sweet, almost painful to drink. Very filling, though. I don't think anything else in Equestria has blood as thick as yours."

"Well, that's good to know, I guess. What happened to the vampire that turned you?"

"I put a stake through his rotten heart myself. When I got back to Canterlot with the remnants of my squad, the princess deliberated over what to do with me. Personally, I demanded to be sent to Tartarus. I have no place among normal ponies anymore, not with what I am. She... disagreed, and came up with an excuse for the fangs."

"So where do you normally get blood? I can't imagine that's something people will just let you take."

"Donations. The Equestrian Red Hoof sends some of its supplies to the palace for training accidents. Some of it goes to me."

"So if you get that, why were you tasting me?"

"Like I said before, I was... curious. Something I found early on is that every species has a different flavor, if that makes any sense. I have... Well, if all goes well, I have a very long life ahead of me. So I decided to make it a goal of mine to taste all the races I could."

"That's pretty cool. You try dragon yet?"

"Yes sir. Tried being the key word; I chipped a fang on his scales. Didn't even wake him up."

I lifted a hand to my neck, feeling around for any bites. "So why don't I have any marks?"

"An eternal couldn't remain hidden for long if we left much in the way of a sign that we had been somewhere. Our saliva has healing properties, sealing wounds when we remove our fangs. You might have faint scars, but you could only see them if you knew for what to look."

"Well ain't you just a perfect little killing machine. Who all knows?"

"Just the princess... And you, now."

"Well, I'm going to assume there's a good reason for that. You don't have to worry about me saying anything, at least not as long as you don't tell anyone what a whore I am. You keep my secret, I keep yours."

That got the first smile I had seen from her all night. "Yes sir. And here I was thinking you'd be the most angry to hear it... That's one reason I was always so cross with you."

"Just one of the reasons?"

"Well, one time you saw me was during the day, when I was in the sun. It nearly blinds me and it gives me a horrible, almost debilitating headache. My temper is short with everypony during the day."

"Good to know. How common are vamponies?"

"Very rare, nowadays. The princesses did their best to remove all of them. As far as I or Princess Luna knows, I am the only sanctioned one in existence, these days. And I'm the only known one that is still brea—Well, moving around."

"Hm. What happened to the ponies that went missing? The ones that started your vampire investigation?"

"Vampony. And we found most of them alive, enthralled to their master's will. When he was killed, they all woke up, not remembering what had happened."

"That's pretty cool. Do you think you could do something like that?"

"If I knew how, it would probably be possible. But one of the downsides of killing him was that he couldn't teach me anything. But it's better this way. It's hard to go mad with power when there's no power to go mad with."

"Fair enough. Man, tonight has been... a really interesting night, you know?"

"No sir, thankfully I don't. Worrying about you and what you would do to me was my highlight of the night. But I do have to say, it's odd that you were given guards. What happened, sir?"

"Luna went mad and threatened me. Words were exchanged. Celestia sent guards here to make sure I stayed safe and that I didn't leave."

"Mad as in... _insane_? Or did she just get angry?"

"Little of column A, little of column B. I might be able to tell you more, depending on how things turn out. Celestia's supposed to be back come noon. If you and your troops need billets, there's room in my house for some people to sleep, though it'll be uncomfortable."

"We'll be fine, sir. What caused it? The princess's anger, I mean. What happened?"

"I don't really want to talk about it. Sore subject with me, you know?"

"After what I just told you, you don't trust me?"

"It's not that. It's just painful to talk about. Luna and I haven't gotten along very well in the past after she did some things. She finally went over the deep end this time and it's bad, knowing she's pretty much lost forever." No it's not. It's more relieving than anything.

"I see... And will that affect us, her guards?"

"I don't know. That's up for Celestia to say, at this point. All I know is that it's bad."

"Hm... I need to think. If Luna is cast down, the night guards will be treated with suspicion. Do you want me to send Smiles in here to explain himself or should I just punish him?"

"He's here? Guarding the house?"

"Princess Celestia asked for volunteers among the night guard. He was first in line. Panzer was second, to volunteer her squad."

"And you?"

"And me, yes. I was third. I do question the wisdom of having both captains of the guard here, but I felt I needed to explain myself."

"Then send him in, though not alone. With another night guard or something. Shiny would overreact, I imagine, if he heard what Smiles did. But I'll give Smiles a chance to explain himself before castrating him."

"...I'll send him in with Panzer. Talk to you later, Sir Navarone."

"See you, Blossom."

She sighed. "Are you really going to keep calling me that? Even now?"

"What? I have a thing for dangerous women." She just snorted and walked out the door, pulling it closed behind her. Freki shot what I guessed was a scornful glare my way before lying down on the floor. "Hey, don't you judge me!" Another round of knocks on the door interrupted my scolding.

With a sigh, I walked on back over, pulling the large, heavy door back open. The large earth pony mare on the other side hopped up on her hind legs and pulled me into a tight hug. I awkwardly patted her on the back, unsure of what exactly was happening. Smiles stood next to her, also looking relatively awkward.

After a few seconds, Panzer let me go and flopped back to the ground, smiling. "It's good to see that you're okay, sir. When Princess Celestia asked for volunteers to guard you, I thought something bad happened to you!"

"I'm quite alright, I assure you. Come on in, you two. Get yourselves out of the cold." I let the two of them in and pushed the door shut behind them, waving them both to the living room. "Sit, sit. Smiles, I have questions for you."

"I... Yes sir."

Panzer froze a few steps into the room. "Sir, I don't mean to alarm you, but there is a timber wolf in your house."

"Yeah, that's Freki. He's harmless. Well, unless you piss me off." Smiles received a pointed glare from both me and Freki, but he didn't notice either of them since he was too busy looking away in what I hoped was shame.

Anyway, I sat back down in my chair. Panzer took over the couch Midnight had been on. Smiles conquered another. After a few seconds of silence, he said, "I can explain."

"Oh? So why was my belt undone, Smiles? The captain said she had nothing to do with it."

Smiles gulped, his eyes flicking to Panzer for a moment. "Well you see... I saw that you were having a... Um, _reaction_. In your pants. And I didn't want you to be inconvenienced by that. So I sort of... relieved you of them. And kept you clean. Sir."

"I didn't see any paper towels in that room, Smiles."

"I... I didn't have any." Panzer was looking more and more intrigued by this point, but she wasn't saying anything.

"What did you use?"

"Well, sir, you see... You have to understand—"

"What. Did. You. Use?"

"My mouth, sir."

As soon as Smiles finished speaking, he gulped noisily, possibly pretending there was my cum in his mouth, and looked away. I let the silence build up for several excruciatingly long seconds. A blush was slowly spreading across Panzer's face as she realized just what exactly it was that we were talking about.

When I had a feeling he was about to burst into tears, I nodded. "Thank you for keeping me clean. You're dismissed."

His entire body jerked straight up as he looked at me, his mouth just dropped. "Wh-wh-wh-what?"

"Did I stutter? I said you're dismissed. As in, get out."

"...Yes sir." He slowly pulled himself up. On unsteady legs, he walked to the door. I didn't even look his way as he let himself out.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Panzer burst out laughing.

When dawn reared its ugly head, I closed the book I had been reading and let my eyes slide shut. Entering the world of dreams at this point was easy, even if I was having to do it while awake. Finding Luna's dream world was just as simple. The three guards surrounded the bubble like vultures, ready to strike anything that seemed an easy target.

"You three are dismissed. This world is no longer under lockdown," I said, addressing them.

"Very well, master," they all three said at the same time before disappearing.

I didn't stick around for the bubble to pop, instead waking up and finding Midnight Blossom staring at me with what might have been worry. "Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yes. Just tired."

"As am I and the rest of the night guards. We should be sleeping now, or at least getting off duty."

"If you and your troops need rest, the door to the cellar is in the kitchen. It won't be comfortable, but it will be quiet and dark."

"I'll make the offer to them. I know I will definitely be staying inside, if not actually sleeping."

"Cool, cool. How often do you need to eat?"

"Every day is best. But with what I got off you last night, I'll be fine for a little while. I won't nibble on anypony here."

"What if I ask nicely?"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to go talk to my troops now."

Out she went. Flo sighed. "One of these days, she's going to bite you."

_Oh baby._

"Ugh. I hate you sometimes, Nav."

Taya and Doppel were both very confused about the guards in our house. It was easy enough to answer Doppel's question: "Are any of them single?" she asked.

"Yep. Knock yourself out." That placated her. She went outside to offer some of the guards... refreshments.

Taya was a little more difficult. "Daddy, why are there guards here?"

"Luna went crazy and found out about you-know-who," I answered, tapping a finger against my skull.

"So did you kill her yet?"

"Celestia is hopefully dealing with Luna as we speak. If all goes well, the guards will be departing at noon."

"And... if all doesn't go well?"

"Then we're going to have some problems."

Ganger's reaction was probably the funniest. He saw Captain Midnight and put on his most winning smile before walking over and attempting to flirt with her.

Blossom gave him an extremely contemptuous glare. "If you don't get away from me in the next five seconds, you are going to learn the true definition of guard brutality." His mouth opened for a response, but she cut him off. "One. Two. Three. Fo—" Before she could finish, Ganger made himself scarce, fleeing back up the stairs. "I _hate_ emotion suckers," she grumbled, glaring up the staircase from her position on the couch.

No one in the room said a word.

When Celestia didn't appear at noon, I think I might have started sweating. The guards were getting antsy as well. Since I didn't have enough to feed all of them, I didn't feed any of them. They had been out there since around two or three in the morning all the way up to noon with no food, no relief, and little to do.

I did my best not to show any signs of nervousness to the guards around me or to anyone else. If I showed Taya that I was worried, she would be worried. And Celestia might ask the guards for reports. I had to be seen as completely confident, not at all worried about what might happen.

So I just continued looking at a book. I want to say I was reading it, but truth be told, I was just looking at the pages, not comprehending the text. _Christ, is this what prisoners feel like before the final trip to the gallows?_ Except in my case, I wouldn't be so lucky as to get killed.

Finally, an hour late, Shining Armor walked inside the house and reported, "Princess Celestia's chariot has arrived. She'll be in shortly. I suggest you prepare yourself, Navarone."

"For what?" I asked, nervousness entering my voice for the first time that day.

He sighed and answered, "I'm afraid I can't answer that."

"Who else is with her, at least?"

"I believe it was Rainbow Dash and Rarity. And my sister and a few of her other friends arrived some time ago and are waiting outside the shield."

My eyes closed as I leaned back in my seat. _Suicide's an option. I could excuse myself to go up to the office and just blow my brains out with the air rifle._

A bright lance of pain across my face jerked my eyes open. Flo almost _snarled_, "I didn't help keep you alive this long for you to kill yourself now. This fight isn't over, Navarone. Remember, you can still sell me out. I'd rather do that than let her ruin you."

My eyes focused back on Shining Armor. "When she gets in, send her to my office. I believe we'll need to talk in private."

"You got it, Nav." He went back outside and I achingly got to my feet, my legs unused for some time.

"Can I be there, daddy?" Taya asked.

"I'm afraid not, dear. You either, Freki. Wait down here. If all goes well, this will be the end of it."

"And if not?" Taya asked.

I didn't have an answer for her. Honestly, I don't think I needed one. Up the stairs I went. When I got into my office, I practically fell into my chair, leaving the door open.

"You seem unwell," Celestia said, her voice appearing at my office door. My eyes slowly moved up to meet hers as she walked in, sitting in the large chair that she had yet to banish. "Nervous, even. Why is that?"

"Is it so hard for you to believe that my years here have left me with a less than pleasant view of the fairness of your legal system? After all that's happened, are you really surprised?"

"I spoke to Rarity, Fancy Pants, and Rainbow Dash. They all mentioned nanomachines. But none of them seemed to recall any signs of this... artificial intelligence."

It took me a few seconds to think of a good response to that. I slowly replied, as if tasting the words for their veracity, "If you had control of a piece of technology that could be considered dangerous or volatile, would you show it off to guests? Me, I wasn't so much a guest as I was an old friend—"

"No, Navarone. What you are is a _construct_."

"And you are a _horse_, but that doesn't change anything. I know what I know, Celestia, and I am what I am. Get to the bottom line. What's going to happen next?"

"We will get to that. All three of your time traveling companions seemed to think the idea of an artificial intelligence was possible, especially if they were created by a race like the humans. Rainbow Dash even believed she had seen one, but a previous talk with Rarity made her point moot. So I'm willing to believe that Flo might be one."

"Well, that's a plus. But I don't think you're going to let me walk from that alone."

She continued as if I hadn't spoken. "And of course, I spoke to Luna, who admitted she might have been a little hasty with her decision to confront you like that. I have come to the conclusion that you might be correct, Navarone. Luna is either mentally unsound or she is just completely unable to comprehend the feelings of others. What you call sociopathic, I believe."

"If she's sociopathic, she's mentally unsound. It's pretty much the same thing."

"The reasons she thought you were corrupted are frankly disgusting to me and I won't repeat them to you. If you hadn't told me about this Flo and just sent me to talk to Luna, I would have completely dismissed this after doing so."

"Son of a—"

"As it is," she broke in, "I was forced to investigate. The evidence from the three that went with you points in your favor."

"But you're not convinced."

"Correct. Navarone, it is time I met this... Flo."

"And you'd just trust her in your mind like that?"

"Therein lies the problem. I need to speak to her, but I can't allow the risk of corruption."

"If I may," Flo whispered, making my eyes go unfocused. "I can speak through the laptop. She can speak to me privately, I don't have to control you, and she doesn't have to allow me access to her mind."

"Flo gave me an alternative," I said. "As a human construct, she can access the laptop and speak through it."

"That is acceptable. No risk of corruption for me."

When I had left my office hours earlier, I left the laptop on the desk. It opened with ease and turned on, a silence returning to the room. Possibly to fill in the silence or possibly to help me relax, Celestia spoke. "Luna did want me to apologize to you, by the way. For disguising as me, at least."

"She can apologize all she wants. She isn't going to change. The only way I'd even consider forgiving her is if she admitted everything she's done to me in public and then apologized in view of everyone. And I think we both know how likely that is to happen."

"I'll tell her anyway. Who knows? Maybe she'll be very desperate to keep her only knight."

"Feh." I cupped my hand under my ear, allowing Flo to ooze out. Her liquid body seemed to vibrate as I brought her down to the computer.

"That truly is different from Nightmare Moon," Celestia said, looking at the mass of water. "I'll give you that."

"Probably because it isn't anything like her," I answered as Flo began interfacing with the laptop's machine-spirit. Soon enough, a face appeared on the screen.

"Hello, Celestia," the speakers on the laptop said in a cool feminine voice. "It truly is about time we met."

"Indeed. Navarone, leave us. I am quite interested in what this thing has to say." I turned the laptop around to face Celestia, stood up, and left without a word. Then I walked next door to my room, grabbed my rifle, broke it down, stuffed it and a few magazines in a bag, then carried it downstairs with me.

"What's happening?" Taya asked as soon as she saw me coming down the stairs. She and Blossom were the only two in the living room anymore. The captain was reading one of the books I hadn't been allowed to print, enjoying some literature that wasn't about unicorns shitting flowers.

"It's wait and see," I answered. "Come on into the kitchen. I know I'm bloody hungry."

Blossom didn't even look up as I led Taya away. That's what I was counting on, because I really wanted to talk to my daughter alone. Of course, with Midnight's affliction, there was no telling if she would be able to hear what I was saying or not.

At least the kitchen was empty. Doppel found an interesting way to keep the spirit of the guards up. I think we all know what it was. Because of that, most of them weren't bitching about being hungry.

"So what's really going on?" Taya asked, sitting at the table.

"I'm up shit creek and my only paddle is half-broken and trying to persuade the shit that I'm not worth capsizing. Luna tried to rape me again, Flo stepped in to stop her, and Luna went crazy. And now Celestia knows about Flo and is worried that she might be a kind of corruption in my mind, like Nightmare Moon was."

"So because Luna went crazy, Celestia thinks _you're_ going crazy."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"...Daddy, why did we stay in Equestria this long? We should have left a long time ago."

"Agreed. But we're here. Escaping would be... difficult." I held up my hand, pointing at my ring. "But not impossible. Remember Scorched Earth?" A long time ago, I mentioned how Taya was a lot more paranoid in some ways than I was. One of those ways was coming up with a few plans on how to deal with trouble. Scorched Earth involved destroying everything in the immediate area and then running like hell.

"...Yes, daddy."

"Good." Kneeling down, I pulled the flap of the bag open and started reassembling my rifle. "If things go poorly, my choices might be limited to a lobotomy or trying to escape. I'd very much prefer you not get involved, but I already know where telling you that would get me. So if push comes to shove, well, you know what to do. But wait for my signal."

She knew the bare minimum of the plan, which essentially boiled down to me helping her escape and then surrendering, doing my best to let her get free to the airship. I wasn't about to risk Taya if things went poorly. No, I'd give myself up and let her get free any day.

When my gun was together again, I set it down on the counter. "I meant what I said, though. I _am_ hungry. You want anything?"

Her head shook. "Too nervous," she quietly answered.

"I know that feel. I'm nervous, too. Flo's up there doing her best to get me out of trouble. And I can feel her missing, you know? I know she's not in my head and it feels... wrong. But even with my nerves racing and that feeling of wrongness, I know I need to eat. Hell, so do you. I know you didn't eat breakfast."

As I made something simple for lunch, I couldn't help but wonder just what Flo could be talking to Celestia about. I was almost certain I would be spared the wrath of the elements, but what would we lose in exchange? How much did Luna ruin? And could it be fixed?

All questions I could deal with later. Had to deal with later, even. One thing was certain, though: Fuck Luna. I'm done with her. Absolutely finished. Done being her knight, done being any kind of advisor, and honestly, I wouldn't be all that sad if I never saw her again. It would be tempting to stop being a dream cop, but now that I knew a little better about how the dream machine worked, I would be trying to figure more of it out.

When I had the plates down on the table, I realized that I honestly didn't want to eat. Seeing Taya looking at her plate dubiously, I ate anyway, knowing I needed to set a good example. We were both hungry, even if the nerves wouldn't let us feel it.

Eating was probably a bad idea, as it turned out. I know I, at least, felt more queasy after the fact. But whatever. Back to the living room we went. Instead of on the armchair, I sat on a long couch, letting Taya take up a position next to me. Except instead of next to me, it ended up being mostly in my lap so I could gently rub her belly.

A few minutes into it, Blossom looked up and saw what I was doing. She snorted, rolling her eyes. "What?" I asked.

"That. It's odd, sir."

"Odd? How?"

"Treating a pony like a pet. It seems wrong to me. At the very least, it seems odd."

"Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it. I've yet to find a pony that didn't like my belly rubs. Or like me scratching at their ears. Or a few other things."

"I think I'll pass. Sir."

I shrugged. "Suit yourself." She went back to her book and I went back to keeping Taya calm and placated. Freki probably wanted in on the petting action, but I don't like splinters and after trying to sleep in my bed, he knew it.

Anyway, that's how we were situated when Celestia came back down the stairs. Looking up at her, I honestly felt like I was facing a firing squad. I don't know which would have been preferable.

But she wasn't looking at me. "Captain Blossom, you and the other guards may return to Canterlot." I felt my entire body sag with relief. "You may send the elements of harmony home as well, though I believe a few of them will have questions. I don't think Navarone would mind if they remained."

The mare hopped to her hooves. "Yes, Princess," the captain hastily said, tossing up a salute. She bustled out the door, flinching as she was exposed to the sunlight. At least she was polite enough to pull it closed behind her, thankfully.

"Navarone, come. I have a few more questions. This matter is closed, but I wouldn't mind knowing some more."

I sighed and stood, letting Taya fall back against the couch. "Very well," I said. "Back upstairs we go. I have a feeling we'd be interrupted down here. Taya, if anyone comes in, tell them we'll be down shortly."

"Yes, daddy," she somewhat sleepily answered. I followed Celestia back up, making a point to stare at her ass.

"So what more do you want to know?" I asked, sitting down behind my desk. Flo was still attached to the computer, so I let her slither up my arm and sink into my skull.

"I assume you want to be retired from the knights?"

"Being a knight has... advantages. But I really don't feel like swearing any oaths to anyone and I'm not going to be working for Luna any longer."

"You don't want to swear oaths to anypony in particular... But what about an oath to a nation?"

"A nation I'm going to be abandoning soon? I might or might not come back. There's baggage here that's not worth returning to."

"And there are some things that might be worth your time. You asked earlier about the umbral knights. Their only oath is to Equestria. I could easily change the rules to say that anypony—any_one_—that has done exemplary service for the nation can be an umbral knight. A royal savior and a defender of harmony fits into that nicely, wouldn't you think?"

"Hm. And what's in it for me?"

"You essentially become royalty, Nav. You can give orders to any of the soldiers and you can countermand any orders we give you or them, assuming you can justify that it was for the good of the nation."

"But you and Luna can both still give me orders."

"We can give you orders now. That doesn't mean you're going to obey them."

"Is it a standing offer?"

"For now, it can be. So you'll think about it?"

"I'll think about it. Remove me from the list of knights for now. I don't want to be associated with Luna."

"I have an important point, and I want you to hear me out before you give me your opinion. Luna's guards are soon going to need somepony they can look up to. When news about what happened gets out, I have a feeling morale might plummet. And having you completely removed from the military can only make matters worse. Especially if you're hiring guards away, as I know you are. I'm not saying you have to stay with Luna, but at least consider staying a knight."

"No. Remove me from the list until I decide about the umbral knights."

She sighed. "So be it. You'll have to return the axe, of course."

"By all means, take the hunk of junk. I haven't used that thing in months. You can grab it from the mantle, where it's hanging, before you leave. Can I commission the palace armorer to make me a new set of armor, or do I need to find a freelancer?"

"The armor is yours. You can keep it."

"Yeah, but it has Luna's symbols all over it. I'll keep it, but I doubt I'll ever wear it again. And that defender of harmony set needs to be repainted before I'll even consider wearing it. I'd rather just get a new set entirely."

"Then feel free to ask the palace armorer if you want, but the cost will come out of your pocket."

"I can deal with that."

"If you can support yourself, by all means. Another question, one more lighthearted. You said Luna was pretending to be me at the party. What did she do?"

"She dressed up as a larger white mare with pink hair and a small sun as a cutie mark. When pressed for a name, she said it was Sunny Delight. We played around in the pool, she sucked me off under a table in the middle of a conversation—in which the other person discovered her toying with me—we danced, I foolishly told her what clothing would get me going, and then we went back to a private room."

"And you did all of this... with who you thought was me?"

"Yep."

"Including leaning in for a kiss?"

"Well, it's not like we haven't used our mouths on each other for worse."

A smile slowly spread across her face. "Nav..."

"No."

"Na-aaav!"

"We've been over this, Celestia. I'm leaving. If I come back and I haven't found anyone else, we might talk. Until then, we'll remain as professional as fuckbuddies can be. Besides, your timing is fucking awful. I just got down off the adrenaline high of my life. Now, is there anything else you wanted?"

"Any messages for Luna?"

"I have nothing left to say to her. You know my ultimatum. She does a public admittance of guilt and apologizes there, I'll consider forgiving her—but never, ever doing anything romantic with her. Otherwise, well, I'm done with her. Completely. Absolutely minimal contact."

"I'll tell her. For what it's worth, I think she might have finally realized what she did. And I mean truly realized this time."

"I don't care. Don't even keep me updated about her. If she's ready for that public apology, by all means, send me a note. But otherwise, don't bother."

"Well, that makes my life easier in some ways. Do you need anything else?"

"Not right now. If Luna ever shows up at my house, I can't promise not to kill her."

"Understood. I don't truly think you could kill either of us, but not for lack of trying. She will not come by. If she does, and you don't kill her, I might. There is only so much I can tolerate from her before I say no more."

"Good. That's all, then."

She nodded. "I'll head downstairs. I assume you want to talk to Flo."

"Some time would be nice. Christ, I'm exhausted. You ever get tiredness so ingrained into your body that it feels like your bones are dusty?"

"I'm a ruler, Nav. Of course I have. Now, I'll see you later. I need to talk to the elements."

"Have fun. If you leave before I get down, let anyone that's staying know that I'll be down when I'm good and ready."

"Of course." She got up and slowly walked out, almost as if she was expecting me to say something to stop her.

When my office door clicked shut, I leaned back in my seat. "What the hell happened?" I asked. "What did you tell her?"

"I told her some of the truth. Not all of it, of course, but enough of it for her to leave us be. And I spent a good long while yelling at her, but that's not really important."

"It... kinda is," I said, almost feeling alarmed. "Why did you think it would be a good idea to _yell at_ the person who was deciding your fate?"

"There are things that horse needed to hear that were a long time coming, Nav. When I finally got the chance to actually tell her what I thought, face to screen, I wasn't going to let the opportunity slip away."

"Flo, that's retarded. Like, suicidally retarded. I'll admit that I don't make the best of decisions all the time and I do ignore you, but you do not want to follow in my footsteps! Not like that!"

"I was being careful. Remember Nav, I know Celestia as well as you do. Better, possibly. By showing her that I care about you more than my own safety—because you better believe you were the topic at hand—I showed her that I wasn't what she was expecting. And of course, I also got the satisfaction of finally giving her a piece of my mind."

"Be careful, there. You almost sounded human."

"Ooh. I'll watch out for that in the future. Wouldn't want you thinking I have feelings too or anything."

_Christ, do I really ruin everything I touch this badly?_

"Yes. And don't forget that I can hear your thoughts."

I smirked. _I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves!_

"No! Bad Nav!"

_Everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves!_

"I'll be good! I'll stop!"

"That's what I thought. Anyway, you think Celestia's gone yet? I should probably let Taya know everything's okay, but I don't really want to go down there right now if she's there."

"I don't know how you always forget this, but there's a _window pointing to town_ behind your desk. Just look out there and see if her chariot is still here."

I slowly panned around in my seat, feeling like even more of a fool than usual. "How do I always forget this damn thing?" I sighed, noticing Celestia's chariot flying away, a billowing pastel mane trailing behind it. Twilight, Rarity, and Pinkie were walking on the road to town. Well, Pinkie was skipping, but either way they were also leaving. Applejack was headed home as well, taking a more direct route. There was no sign of Fluttershy or Rainbow Dash, so I assumed they both flew off.

With all of them presumably gone, I shut the laptop off, closed it, gently locked it back in the safe, and then walked over to the door just in time for it to get slammed open in my face.

"Nav, what hap—are you okay?" Rainbow Dash said.

Given that I was on the floor and probably bleeding, the answer should have been obvious. "What do you think?" I asked, my voice nasally.

She somehow used a hoof to pull my hand away from my nose. "Oooh... Uh, you'll probably be fine." And then she let the hand fall right back against the nose, making me flinch in pain. "What happened at the party? First you disappeared and then Luna was extremely pissed and then buckin' _Celestia_ showed up when the party ended and dragged both me and Luna away! I... I didn't want to tell her what happened with the humans, but... Well, she's the princess and she said you said it was okay! And what's going on?!"

Touching around my nose to make sure it wasn't destroyed, I stood up and walked back to my desk, waving a hand at the large chair Celestia left behind. "Sit." For whatever reason, she decided instead to fly over to the chair. "Alright, Luna fucked up. That's the underlying theme here. That's why I left, why Luna was pissed, and why Celestia dragged you both off."

"Well, what did she do?"

"You know how Celestia was asking you about artificial intelligences?"

"Well, about that..." she answered, suddenly cagey.

"I don't blame you for telling her. It was hardly fair of me to ask you to keep it a secret in the first place. But she knows and that's that. Anyway, she was asking about artificial intelligences. You see, Luna thought I was corrupted by something like Nightmare Moon. She thought this because she tried to take advantage of me in the dream and I stopped her from succeeding. Honestly, it's not important and I'd prefer that you didn't tell anyone. Did you at least enjoy the party?"

"Are you... sure you don't want to talk about it? And what was that about arti-whatevers?"

"Don't tell Twilight this, but I have a second intelligence in my head, one created by humans. Luna mistook the human creation for an evil influence and freaked the fuck out, as is her nature."

"Huh. And I used to think she was cool..."

"We all make mistakes. Did you at least enjoy the party before it all went to hell?"

"Dude, I was having an _amazing_ time! I found this really awesome mare that seemed to know a lot about the whole dream thing. I really wish I had gotten her name, but she disappeared a few hours into the party..." She sighed, looking somewhat forlorn, and I was almost tempted to tell her before I remembered that it could never work anyway. "After she disappeared, I just hung out with a few of the friends I had there. I also checked out the strip club." She chuckled darkly. "They had somepony disguised as Rarity up there!"

"I bet you really enjoyed that, didn't you?"

"Eh, not really. I know she isn't into mares. She's pretty, but that doesn't do me any good if she wouldn't want to have any fun. No, my eyes were on the Spitfire they had! Whoever was pretending to be her was really good at it, too! Almost like they had all her memories, because she knew me. She even gave me a private showing!" I smiled at that and felt tempted to tell her that Spitfire was real, but decided not to.

"Well, it's good you had fun, even if it ended up going to shit. Shame I couldn't spend more time with you, maybe even find you a good mare, but I don't think I would have been safe if I stayed."

"Find _me_ a good mare? What about you? Celestia knows you could use a good one in your life."

I shrugged. "Not really interested in a relationship right now. Just waiting for things to calm down, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess..." The silence built and I was about to politely tell her to fuck off so I could make sure my nose was okay, but she said, "Do you remember what we were talking about before the party?"

"Me using the gender stones to turn into a chick so we can fuck?"

"No, after that, on the flight here. Is racism a big thing in your world?"

"Yeah. And to answer your next question, I'm aware that it doesn't make any sense for us to do that, given that we're all humans. There are different... breeds, you could say, of humans. They're all basically the same functionally, but they have some physical differences. No one said racism had to make sense."

"Huh. Anyway, how did the humans deal with it?"

"We didn't. The best way to handle it is through education, though. Racism is founded upon fear of the unknown, after all. Remove the ignorance and there goes a lot of the reasons that people have to be racist."

"So it's Cheerilee's fault!"

"No. Well, probably not. She was one of the first ponies to open up to me, after all. Alright, there are two kinds of ignorance that I suppose I should mention. One is purpose bred racism, caused by a government and spread by propaganda. The other is the fear of the unknown. There's evidence of the first one in Equestria, with all the shitty pony words like anypony. That's evidence of nationalism inspired by racial qualities, which can lead to pogroms and the like to get rid of unwanted guests."

"What's a pogrom?"

"Violence against an ethnic group on a largish scale. An example would be kicking all the griffins out of a city if they had been living there for some time. This kind of nationalism brings a country together in dark times, but it also turns them against all outsiders or anyone that doesn't fit the desired quality. This can be compounded by the natural fear of the unknown. Everyone feels it to differing degrees."

"What if I'm not afraid of anything?"

"Then you're a liar. Both of these can be fixed by educating people about other races. Like, I heard Pinkie say she didn't know what a griffin even was until she met Gilda. That's simply inexcusable, in my mind. The griffins have an entire kingdom north of this place. Even in a rural town like this and the one she grew up in, she should have at the very least heard of them. But no one's talking about them because so few know about them. If schools educated about other races, people wouldn't be as afraid of them should they ever meet one."

"That... makes sense."

"Of course, there are other problems. A child is going to be around his parents more often than his teacher. Racism usually spreads in families because kids don't know any better and would rather trust their parents than their teachers."

"So... how do you fix that?"

"Fuck if I know. Some kids fall into that trap, some don't. And who knows? Maybe I'm just looking at this entire situation through the dark eyes of someone who always expects the worst of people. Racism in this place could just be my imagination."

"It's not... And it's about time someone did something about it."

"Well, have fun with that."

"You... aren't going to help me?" she asked, totally flabbergasted.

"Nah. I'll wish you good luck, though."

"You have more to gain than anypony, though!"

"Not really. I forged myself a place here. I wouldn't mind having a talk or two with Cheerilee about changing her lesson plan, but I really don't feel like dealing with anyone or anything else. Fighting racism is an uphill battle all the way to the top. And the worst part is, you never know where the top is. At times, you end up fighting yourself without realizing it. It's just not worth it, to me."

"It is to me. Equestria's my home and it should be welcoming to anyone and everyone. If you won't help me, I'll try to do it on my own!"

"Good luck, then. I really do mean it. If you give up, I won't think any less of you. I suggest talking to Cheerilee first. If you need to, send her my way."

"...Alright." And the silence built up again. Eventually she said, "And you're sure you're okay? About the whole Luna thing, I mean."

"Yeah. I'm going to be wearing my ring for a while longer, but for the moment, I'm okay."

She nodded once. "You need anything, like someone to talk to, let me know. We're all here for you, Nav."

"I know. Say, what happened to Taya? She was supposed to keep everyone downstairs."

"Fluttershy's distracting her for me. I sort of snuck past her. I suppose I should get out of your mane, then. See you later, Nav."

She didn't even bother pulling the door shut behind her. I'm just glad she didn't actually break the thing by kicking it open. It was slammed open, but not kicked.

"Your nose isn't broken," Flo told me before I could go find a mirror to check on it. "But you should get Taya to fix it up anyway. And you should also go talk to her. Like, right now."

Once again, I pulled myself out of my office chair and stood, stretching. "This has been a really weird day," I groaned, my body already feeling better. Flo didn't answer. Really, what more could you say?

Anyway, I went on down the stairs, getting down in time to see Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy leaving. I waved to them before the door could close and then looked down to Taya. "Well, we're safe for now," I said.

She beamed up at me before noticing my nose. "What happened?"

"Little accident, nothing important. You mind taking care of it?" She patted the spot on the couch next to her and I sat down in it, giving her easy access to my face.

As she healed it, she asked, "So really, what happened? In detail, daddy."

I sighed and told her most of what had gone down today, leaving out the conversations with the troops and Rainbow Dash. And getting sucked off under the table, of course. "Long story short," I was finishing with, "fuck Luna. Celestia's getting awesome, but we're done with Luna. And I'm done with being a knight."

"Your friends were kind of wondering why Celestia took the axe..."

"Well, now you know why."

"Does this change anything? Like, any of our plans to leave?"

"Nope. Everything's pretty set in stone, now. I've already gotten my invitations to the Europe party and we're leaving on the airship immediately after that. No change in plans."

"Why not? Won't Luna be desperate now?"

"Because I finally have permission to tear her a new asshole if she shows up anywhere near me. She might get desperate, but Celestia has assured me that Luna won't be a problem. And trust me, Celestia was beyond pissed at this point. We're both sick of Luna acting like a child and I think Celestia is finally doing something about it. So no, I'm not really worried about Luna. Celestia, though... She might be somewhat of a problem, but I don't really think there's much she can do against me. I'd rather leave when I'm fully prepared, risking more interruptions, than leave prematurely and lose out on so much of what I had planned. So no, we're continuing as planned."

"Alright, daddy. So what next?"

"The usual, for the most part. I need to go and commission a new set of armor now that I'm not a knight and don't want to wear Luna's symbols, though. That can wait until tomorrow, because I really don't want to risk running into Luna right now. And it doesn't help that the weather outside is still shit. So for now, I guess it's just business as usual. Didn't you have magic to practice with Twilight today?"

"Yes. But I'm not leaving you."

I blinked, surprised. "Oh. Well, let's think of something to do together..."


	90. Chapter Eighty-Eight

**Chapter Eighty-Eight—Some Serious Shit**

With the fuckhuge crisis out of the way and Luna's damnable party no longer on the horizon, I was able to finally actually start getting ready to leave. The Europe party was in a month and I needed to have everything going onto the airship ready to leave in two weeks. That meant Taya, all my shit, and everyone else that was going needed to be accounted for and ready to go.

The naga was going to be returning soon, so he wasn't really a problem. He'd bring everything he was taking with him, so that was that.

Gilda was supposed to get there the day before the ship left. She'd be bringing everything she needed—probably very little—so she was easy enough to plan for.

Doppel and Eva had very little in the way of personal possessions, aside from clothing, so packing them up was easy. The hardest part there was convincing Doppel to leave behind most of her fetishistic outfits.

Taya was only bringing clothing and books. No toys, no makeup, nothing a little girl should carry with her. Just… clothes and books. Honestly, I found that somewhat heartbreaking in a way.

Spike was bringing a few books, some clothing, and his weapons, but he was going to be teleported to the party with me by Celestia, so most of his shit could go that way.

Watcher and his troops were supposed to be bringing their own shit. I had the gold to pay them, so there was little else I needed in terms of those guys.

The crew manning the ship were supposed to get all the food and supplies we needed. I was supplying the ship's weapons and they were going to get them from my house when they picked up everyone else.

All I was bringing were my weapons, some clothing, some books, all my magic stuff, plenty of gold, the laptop, a new set of armor that I took a quick trip to Canterlot to commission, and anything else I could think of that I might need. I would be loading most of that into the ship when it came by the house to get everyone.

…And I completely forgot that I offered to take Zecora. She came by my house a few days after Luna's party and told me she was in, if it meant we were going to South America. Not many people came back from that place, but she was hoping with all the preparations we were making and all the fighters we had, we'd be fine.

So was I.

The air elemental hadn't made a single reappearance since we saw her at the apple orchard. Flo ensured me that the air elemental would definitely follow us, but I would rather have her officially on my side instead of just pranking my enemies. Especially now that Luna was more obviously my enemy. I was expecting to start hearing reports that she was getting fucked with soon.

A smiling Lyra and Bon-Bon came to my door some time during that week with three neutral packages of general apathy. Those three kids looked familiar, but I couldn't place them.

"Howdy, Lyra, Bon-Bon," I merrily said when the door was open. "You brought new guests this time. They look familiar for some reason."

"They should," Bonnie answered. "After all, it was you that sent them to the orphanage."

"Whoa now, I haven't made any orphans in mainland Equestria!" _God, why would they bring me kids whose parents I fucking killed?_

Lyra and Bon-Bon both looked extremely confused by that until Lyra smiled. "Ha, good one, Nav! Don't you remember? Applejack caught these three taking apples and you sent them to Canterlot to live in the princess's orphanage."

The memory slightly returned to me. "Oh yeah. That's… better than what I was thinking. Ah, anyway, come on in out of the cold. No reason to freeze in that snow out there."

"Thank you, Sir Navarone," Bonnie said, stepping in as I made room.

"It's not 'Sir' anymore," I answered. "And even if it was, you should know better than to call me that by now." With the door closed behind Lyra, who was the last in, I walked on around. "Make yourselves at home." I know I sure did, grabbing my chair before any of those cretin children could steal it from me. "What brings you five by?"

"Oh, just a few more questions, if you have the time," Bon-Bon replied. "And the kids wanted to meet you, of course."

"I always have time for you two. And hello again, children. I believe you three already know me. What are your names?"

"Cloverwood," the bigger colt said.

The middle said, "Treetop."

And the little filly answered, "Cherrywood." _Shit, their parents must have been carpenters or something._

"It's nice to meet you more formally, without an angry crowd around us. Come, sit."

"Well," Lyra hesitantly began, "we were hoping that we could talk in private."

"That's easy enough." I hopped back up, saying, "Just a moment." With them waiting there, I walked over to the study where Eva was either practicing reading or trying to decide which books to take. "Hey Eva, got a job for you."

"Okay!" The book she was looking at dropped to the table as she hopped up, very eager to be of any kind of service.

I led her right back to the living room, where Bon-Bon was sitting on the couch and the other three were exploring the few items I had sitting around for public viewing. "Eva, can you show these three the pool?"

"Okay, Navi! Come on, guys, let's go swimming!"

Bon-Bon cast me a somewhat alarmed look. "Nav, it's snowing. Should they really be swimming in that?"

"It's an indoor pool, nice and heated." Sort of. "As long as they dry off before you all leave, there won't be any problems."

"Well… alright," Bonnie said, shrugging. "Just be careful."

Eva nodded. "Don't you worry about a thing! Navi lets me watch Taya all the time." More like the other way around. Either way, she led the passive kids away to the kitchen and I reclaimed my seat.

"So," Lyra said, grinning, "Navi?"

"No. Bad Lyra. Eva only gets to call me that because I can't say no to adorable changelings."

"Oh? You think we're adorable?" Bon-Bon asked, changing back into her real body and smiling.

"Yeah. So what did you two want to ask? And hell, why these three? They're coming with some baggage."

"They looked like they needed it," Bon-Bon said with a shrug.

Lyra giggled and added, "And the few younger ones were afraid of Bonnie."

"The princess told us the three of them came in a package and we decided we could make it work," Bon-Bon finished.

That gave me a useful idea, but I decided to save it for later. "Well, what other questions did you have?"

And so it was that I gave them the same psychology lesson that I gave to the crew of the airship, the ex-slaves. There's no reason to repeat myself and no one is reading this anyway—you fucking assholes—so I won't put it down here.

Some long minutes later, when they were out of questions, I said, "So three of them, huh? Isn't your house pretty cramped?"

They both sighed. "Yes," Bonnie answered. "They're sharing a room for now. They don't seem to mind, thankfully. When they get older, we know we'll have to at least get a separate room for Cherrywood."

Lyra nodded. "And money's tight. We would upgrade, but… Well, the wedding did set us back somewhat."

"Understandable," I said, mentally smiling. "I have a… proposition of sorts. It might help temporarily abate that problem."

"What's that?" Bonnie asked.

"In a few weeks, I'm going on a vacation of sorts. A long one. Months or maybe even years. My house is going to be empty when that happens. Large empty houses attract unwelcome guests, in my experience. I wouldn't frown on having a few house sitters. Live here while I'm gone, use the house as you need it. There aren't any bills, since the house is self-sustained. You could save up enough money while I'm gone to get a house of your own."

"That's…" Bonnie started, sounding uncertain.

"Wonderful!" Lyra finished, much happier. "But where are you going? And why's everypony going with you?"

"Lyra, please," Bon-Bon sighed. "Nav, are you sure about this? Trusting your home to us and three foals you barely know? If something were to happen to it, we could never afford to fix it!"

"One of the reasons that I need someone to watch my home is because I can't bring all the money I have with me and have to leave some here," I answered. "If anything happens, use some of that to repair some damage. But this house is pretty fucking sturdy. A royal guard tried kicking the door down and just ended up hurting his legs. It'll take a lot to hurt this place."

"Then what about the Everfree?" she asked, looking to the wall where we could practically feel its evilness lurking. "Is it really safe to live so close to that place with three defenseless foals?"

"I've lived here for almost a year already and I've never seen anything hostile coming out of that forest. The monsters seem to be localized there. And most of them can be kept out by the wall, anyway. That gate isn't just for show, after all. Even if they get through the wall, they'd never get into the house itself. Those windows are either made of strengthened glass or some kind of really strong crystal. Trust me, this place is perfectly safe."

"I don't know…" Bon-Bon dubiously said.

"Lighten up, Bonnie!" Lyra quickly shot back. "This is exactly what we need. More room, getting slightly away from Ponyville, and getting a chance to build up the bits to get our own place. There are a few downsides, but the benefits easily outweigh them! And he has a bucking pool!"

Bon-Bon bit her lower lip, not something I advise for anyone with fangs. "Can we… think about it for a few days?" she finally asked.

"I'm not leaving until the start of spring, so you have a few weeks to decide. But everyone else here is going to be leaving in two or so weeks, so you can start moving stuff in then, if you decide to accept the offer."

"Alright… So why are you going?" Bon-Bon asked.

"And where?" Lyra added.

"And when will you get back?" Bonnie finished.

"The where is pretty much everywhere. I have a lot of destinations in mind. The first start will be this year's Europe party. After that, somewhere to the north. The why? Well, we humans have something in us called wanderlust. Our feet get tapping and we have an insatiable desire to explore. I've already done all the exploring I can do in the Everfree, so I have to move on."

"And you're bringing Taya with you?" Bon-Bon asked. "Isn't it dangerous?"

"Be honest: Do you really think I could leave Taya behind?" They both rolled their eyes, agreeing. "I welcome the company. I got a good group going with me, too, so it's not like it'll be too dangerous."

"So when will you get back?" Bon-Bon repeated.

"When the wanderlust is eaten up in me, I guess. I may not ever come back. There's not much tying me down to Equestria nowadays. Friends, yeah, and I'd miss all of you. But there are plenty of memories here that I'm not certain I want to revisit."

"Things will definitely be different around town without you around, Nav," Lyra said. "Everypony likes having you out here on the edge of the forest. It makes them feel safer."

"But they don't like having me in town?" I asked with a smile.

Bon-Bon shrugged. "Coming from somepony who's different, even if I'm only newly revealed to be different, there are those who would be happy to see you gone. But more would be sad."

"Yeah, I know. Oh, and by the way, this is still a secret. So don't go blabbing about it to anyone until I tell you it's okay, alright?"

"You don't have to worry about us, Nav," Bon-Bon said. "We'll keep it quiet. Right, honey?" she asked, throwing a small glare at Lyra, who nodded sheepishly.

After a second, though, she asked, "What do you mean you don't have much tying you down here, though? What about being a knight?"

"I retired. As of a few days ago, I am no longer Sir Navarone, Knight of Princess Luna. Now I'm just Navarone."

"I… I didn't know that was possible," Bon-Bon commented.

"At least, not without breaking your armor!" Lyra added, making me roll my eyes.

"Well, I managed. If I come back, I might rejoin their ranks. But for now, I'm happy to be a free man, unbound by any oath or duty."

"Why? And how?" Bonnie asked. "If you don't mind me asking, of course," she hastily tacked on.

"Luna and I had a… disagreement that has lasted several years now. Things escalated and she can eat a bag of dicks. Celestia happened to agree with me in that assessment and consented to removing my name from the book of knights."

Both of their faces turned a very bright shade of red when I mentioned Luna's dick sucking opportunities. Lyra eventually squeaked, "What was the disagreement?"

"Something I don't really want to talk about. It's private."

"Hm… That seems convenient," Bon-Bon remarked, trying to get over her blush. "Your wanderlust coinciding with leaving the knighthood."

"It is. I've been planning this trip for a year now. This is a great going away present."

"And that's all it is?" she asked. "Just convenient? Not an excuse?"

"First, yes, that's all it is. Second, Bonnie, you have no places in politics. Stop prying. This is a problem that I've given Luna a solution to. She's almost definitely not going to take it, so that'll be the end of that."

"Forgive a friend for trying to help," she muttered, looking away.

I sighed. "Sorry. I forgot what having friends is like. I'm used to people politicking around me. Too much time in Canterlot and with the princesses. This isn't a problem that a friend can really help with, though. I have found that those who walk with giants tend to get crushed. And oftentimes, the giants don't even notice. I figure a little time away might soothe some anger."

"If you're sure…" Bonnie sighed.

"Trust me, this is for the best. For a number of reasons." We were all silent for a few seconds before I said, "So what's been going on with you two, aside from the adopting thing?"

"Just getting used to married life," Lyra answered, shrugging.

"Though we were already pretty well used to that," Bon-Bon added with a smile. "Still, adding kids to the mix has been fun. Even if they haven't quite opened up yet."

"Give 'em time, like I said. And after what they've possibly been through, don't expect to be seeing much of one without the others. Tragedy has a way of bringing people together in the most amazing ways." And of course, it can also drive them apart, but that isn't something they needed to hear.

"Well, we'll definitely remember your advice when we're dealing with them," Bonnie said. "I don't know if we'll ever be able to thank you enough for all you've done for us…"

"Which isn't really all that much, honestly. I'm just happy to help."

"And if you ever need anything that either of us can help you with, be sure to ask," Bon-Bon said. From Lyra's somewhat lascivious smile and glances down at my hands, I could assume what manner of crisis she would want to help me with. I knew she wouldn't do anything without her wife's or my permission, though.

"I'll be sure to keep that in mind," I answered.

Perhaps sensing an end to the conversation, Lyra tore her eyes away from my hands and looked to the window. "Bonnie, we should probably get them out of the pool and on the way home before dark."

She nodded. "We should. Where's the pool, Nav?"

"The cellar door is in the kitchen. Just head down the stairs. You can't miss it. I'll be down in a minute or two with towels."

And so that day went.

When you work with someone, there's only so much you can do to avoid them. Even if your workplace is a theoretically infinite expansion of blackness with the occasional bubble of light to break up the void.

So there I was trying to access more commands when I heard a throat clear behind me. There are supposed to be exactly two people able to get into the world of dreams, so it was no surprise to me to turn and find Luna hovering there. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I turned my head and stepped to the first dream I saw.

I knew she was going to follow me, so I hopped into the peaceful dream without looking and didn't stop long enough to see what it was about before going out the other side and finding a new dream. Imagine my surprise when she was actually waiting inside the next dream I entered.

Yeah, fuck that. Without even waiting for a look of recognition in her eyes, I broke out of that dream and sprinted away, dreams zooming past me like memories of a blackout drunk night. Honestly, I wasn't that surprised to find her waiting at the end of my journey. Without even stopping for a breather, I summoned a knife, jammed it into the side of her head, and immediately left the land of the dreams for my own mind.

"Keep her out," I ordered, sinking back down.

"You aren't even going to let her talk?" Flo asked. "Not going to let her explain?"

"No, I'm not. She burned through all of her chances. I'm done. The only time I will deal with her is when I have to. I will find a way to stay awake until spring if she won't leave me alone. If I knew how she followed me like that, I could probably work to avoid her…"

"Good. It is absolutely about time that you decided to cut her off. I do believe she wanted to kill me and I don't want to risk Celestia not having succeeded in convincing her to leave me be. And of course, after all the many things she's done to you, it truly is about time that you gave up on her completely."

"It's good that you support me. I'm sure few others will. Honestly, I'm surprised Celestia was so quick to get on my side."

I think Flo would have replied, but she stiffened before looking up. "She left you a message."

Sighing, I looked up. Her message was relatively predictable. "I'm sorry."

I replied with, "Yes, you are."

Neither of us saw any other sign of Luna that night.

The next event of that stretch of time was the visit of a certain grey mare. When I opened the door—_I have a maid, why doesn't she ever answer the damn door?_—Octavia smiled nervously, rubbing at the back of her head with a hoof. "Um, hello, Sir Navarone. I'm not… interrupting anything, am I?"

"Not at all, though it's not 'sir' anymore. Come on in."

"Oh, I don't plan on staying long," she hastily said, though that didn't stop her from stepping inside anyway."And what do you mean, not sir anymore? You are a knight, aren't you?"

"Nope. Anyway, how can I help you today, Octavia?" At this point, we were both sitting in my living room.

"Hm. I came by to… apologize. I want to blame the wine for my behavior and my… Well, my obliviousness. I should have realized that something more was awry and left you alone. I shouldn't have… exacerbated the problem. Celestia, I can just imagine how you were feeling, trying to talk to me while that was happening… How did you stand it?"

"By not paying attention, no offense. I remember little of that conversation."

"None taken! If I had known that I was competing with Princess Luna for your attention, I wouldn't have tried. Speaking of… is that why you're no longer Sir Navarone? Is it now perhaps… Prince Navarone?"

"No. God no. The only reason I let Luna get anywhere near my dick is because she was pretending to be Celestia before she put knees to the floor. I really wish you had told me it was Luna down there."

"Well, I was somewhat preoccupied with getting away from the embarrassment at the time, I confess. And with the alcohol clouding my senses, I wasn't making very good decisions."

"Like trying to suck me off in the middle of a really fancy party?"

She blushed looking away. "Y-yes. The alcohol was an excuse to hide my behavior behind, though. I just wanted to try to repay you somehow for all that you've done for me and the other musicians."

"As I've told others, I don't need to be repaid for kindness. You of all people don't need to be turning tricks to try to pay anyone back, either. You have a career and presumably a reputation to worry about."

"I… don't understand. Is that some sort of problem where you're from?"

"Yes. It's also illegal, I do believe. At the very least, it's illegal to ask for sex in repayment. It isn't here?"

"Well, no. Uncommon, yes. And if there was anypony that knew I did it, I might risk being taken advantage of. But I don't think it would ruin my reputation. Not that you would ever tell, I don't believe. It was supposed to be a little secret."

"Well, you were beaten to the punch, I'm sad to say. And I must say, it was definitely an… interesting experience."

"I'll say… Are you sure there's nothing I can do to repay you? I feel strange, having no way to help you."

"Consider it a donation to the arts. I like music and I like helping people. The way I figure, helping people make music is a double win to me. Though I wouldn't mind making a bit of music right now, if you aren't in a hurry."

"I'm afraid I am, sadly. After what happened at the party, I was quite certain you would be upset with me, and made sure to make plans that would require me to leave quickly if things… deteriorated. Even if I am pleasantly surprised that you aren't upset, I still can't avoid doing what I had planned. Truth be told, I'm lucky I was even able to meet with you, with the Soiree coming up. I managed to find an airship going that way in a few weeks. The captain offered me a spot for a reasonable price and I would have been a fool to say no. Normally I would have left by now."

"It's certainly good to know I'll see you there, then. Will Vinyl be there, too?"

"She's supposed to be, though I don't know how she'll get there. That mare always finds ways to surprise me." _Well, at least I'll have two friends there with me on my last days in Equestria._

"Then I guess I'll see you both there, if not before."

"I look forward to it, Nav."

Another day gone by…

The day Ames got back was a day of much quiet relief for me. Truth be told, I hadn't realized just how much I had come to depend on his quiet and steady demeanor. In a way, he was almost like I used to be, though he was considerably more violent.

"How was your time back at the clan?" I asked when he slithered back into my home.

"Illuminating, for a number of reasons. I was beginning to forget the meaning of honor around you. They reminded me."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm sure we'll knock that silly concept out of your head sooner or later."

He snorted. "I certainly hope not. There is little else for one such as I to hold on to. Honor gives us purpose and keeps us fighting. If not for honor or money to help the clan, why else would a naga fight? Why else would we _live_?"

"Duty."

"Duty and honor go hand in hand, Cain. My duty is to be honorable, for if I misrepresent my clan, I risk damaging our reputation. Or the reputation of all naga everywhere. You are lucky in that you need not fear other humans harming your reputation, or fear harming theirs. How does it feel to be the sole being in charge of your reputation?"

"Pretty good, until I fuck up. There's a reason everyone thinks I'm a slut."

"Is it because you're a slut that sleeps with any female you can find?"

"Exactly. Thankfully, that's not really looked down upon in this world."

"But it very highly damages your chances to find a mate, does it not?"

"Yeah, but I'm not really looking. I already have someone in mind, if things go well when I get to Europe."

"That is… good to hear, I suppose. Though you would likely be better off with a naga than a mare."

"Maybe. But it isn't a mare that I have in mind. You might meet her, if she shows up."

"Why do I have the feeling that you would not be depressed if she didn't show up?"

"Probably because you have a low opinion of me," I answered with a shrug. "So anyway, how was your trip home?"

"It was… nice. Seeing my partner and hatchlings again brought peace to my mind. It is strange, how much you come to miss someone without even realizing it."

"Trust me, I know all about that." Minus the not realizing it part. "At least you were able to see them before you left."

"Indeed. I trust things have been well here? Were there more attempts on your life?"

"Not directly. Luna went crazy and damn near ruined everything, but I got out of it. Celestia stopped being completely useless, thankfully."

"I trust you finally killed that dark blue devil? With as much trouble as she has given you, she deserves no less."

"Sadly, no. I can't just up and kill the princess." At least, not in the real world. In dream land, all bets are off.

"A shame."

"However, if she shows up here, I'm not going to stay my hand. If I see her, it will be attack and kill on sight. No more second chances."

He nodded, smiling and showing off his sharp teeth. "I am happy to hear that. I assume the same rule goes for me?"

"Yep. Don't permanently harm her guards, if you see any of them. Challenge them and tell me they're here before doing anything."

"Very well. What of Celestia's guards?"

"They're welcome, for now. But be wary, as always."

"So be it. Now tell me, have you been keeping in practice with your sword? I believe it's time to break the dust off our practice blades…"

I gained several new bruises that day…

Have you ever pushed, say, a cute little rabbit to the brink? Pissed it off, maybe? Jerked its chain so much that it finally lashed back? Rabbits are cute and cuddly looking when they're passive. And shit, they're funny as hell when scared, since they make a horrifyingly loud noise and run away.

But when angry, when pushed too far, even the cutest of rabbits—or ponies, in this case—become very deadly.

That goes double if the subject in question isn't cute at all and already had a history of violence against me.

Now, I wasn't expecting anything all too bad when I opened the door to greet little Miss Twilight. No, not expecting that at all. I should have known better.

Very little time passed before I realized the mistake I had made, though. Twilight was glaring very hard at the door and then me. Her horn was glowing and a very unhappy looking Spike was hanging there listlessly. _Oh boy._

"How can I he—" I tried starting with.

Twilight was having none of that. "WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?!" she screamed at me, one of her hooves stamping on the ground.

It was at that moment that I very desperately wished I was wearing my ring or had it on me at all. "What do you mean?" I slowly asked, trying to figure out how long my door would last if I had to slam it.

"She's crazy!" Spike had time to shout before his mouth was gagged with magic.

"You know full well!" Twilight yelled. "Spike isn't going anywhere with you!"

"…Why don't you come in? We can talk this over like adults instead of children. And put Spike down."

"No! Every time you talk you get your way! Not this time, Nav. Spike isn't going with you and that's final!"

"Maybe the reason I get my way is because I make sense and use logic to get my points across. Think, Twilight. If you force Spike to stay here, how happy do you think he'd be? Do you really think he would ever forgive you?"

"It's for the best! I know what's best for him, Navarone. _Me_, not you."

"You don't even know what to feed him! Look at him, Twilight! Truly _look_ at him. Since I started feeding him meat and making sure he got gems from the mine I own, he has doubled in size since I first met him. His claws are sharper and they shine. His scales picked up a luster they never had before. Christ, woman, you were killing him from malnourishment! I wouldn't be surprised if he starts sprouting wings, soon."

"That can't be…" She turned to look at Spike. And I mean really look at him, probably the first time in a long time she's actually paid attention to his appearance. Her ears drooped at what she saw before she jerked her head back to face me, her glare returning. "Anything could have caused that!"

I crossed my arms. "Twilight Sparkle, you're smarter than that. Yes, theoretically, any number of things could have caused it. Why don't you ask Spike, hm?" She nervously looked back at him. "Or are you perhaps afraid of what he'd say?"

That seemed to do it. She removed his gag. "Tell him, Spike!" she ordered.

"Tell him what?" he spit. "That he's right? That he's done more to help me find out who I am than you ever did? Twilight, he introduced me to a dragon! A big, huge one! Older than even Celestia and Luna. And Nav is right. If I kept eating grass and flowers, I would have either died or stayed tiny all my life. Reginald thinks the damage is reversible, but I can't eat any more of that green stuff."

"B-but…" she whimpered.

"There are some things that can't be learned in books," I said, gently rubbing Twilight's head. "There are no books about dragons in Equestria. You couldn't have known without talking to one. And you ruined all three chances you had to do so. I didn't. But honestly, why do I have the feeling that this isn't just about me taking Spike?"

Her lower lip quivered, but she slowly shook her head, trying to deny it. "No, that's not—"

"You're afraid of being alone, aren't you?" She flinched as if slapped. "First I left you and now Spike's leaving you. You're separated from your family, your older brother got married, and now your little brother is leaving the nest. And you're afraid of that."

Her magic suddenly gave out, dropping Spike to the ground. Twilight joined him there a moment later, sobbing. "I d-don't know what to do!"

I did, but it wasn't my place to do it. Spike caught my gaze and I nodded down to the crying Twilight. He shrugged. My eyes narrowed and he sighed, walking over and hugging her. "Twilight, you'll always be my big sister… But I have to go. My place isn't with the ponies. I can't stay cooped up here in this small town. I'm already outgrowing it! If I go with Nav, I might be able to find a place I belong, where I can fit in. And who knows? Maybe I can find somepo—one for me. Maybe even another dragon! I have to go, Twilight."

"Everypony's leaving me," Twilight whispered. "First Nav. Then Rarity started spending more time in Canterlot than here. Rainbow Dash is talking about how Spitfire promised her a spot in spring. Now Spike, my number one assistant… It's not fair!"

_What's the common theme in all of those? Maybe it's… you?_ Thankfully, I'm smart enough to not say that. Either Spike didn't think about it or he was smart enough to not say it as well.

"There are plenty of ponies here," I said to fill in the silence. "Plenty of friends to be made and ponies to spend time with. People drift apart and change, Twilight. It happens to all groups of friends at some point. Stay in touch if you can, adapt if you can't. Spike can always send letters to Celestia, so you can use her to keep in touch with him. I'm sure she'll be willing to help you two without any questions." _And hell, it's not like you can stop me from taking him._

"…I'll write to you every day," Twilight said, finally looking up at Spike. "And you better respond! I'll find you both if you don't!"

Spike smiled. "I'll keep that in mind, Twilight."

All things told, I think that could have ended worse.

The day I went to Canterlot to pick up my new armor is probably one that I will never forget. Not for the armor itself, though I admit that it was pretty important. No, this day was important. Arguably one of the most important days I've had in Equestria.

And it made me even more relieved that I was leaving soon.

It started as a normal day. Wake up, contemplate killing myself, get out of bed, shower, get dressed. All that fun stuff. Knowing that the armor was supposed to be done that day, I made sure my schedule was clear. Not that it was really hard, given I hadn't been to town in over a week and most of the ponies there didn't seem to miss me. I was tempted to lay down odds with Bon-Bon the day I left to see how long it would take for someone to notice I was gone, but I figured that would be in poor taste.

With Taya learning from Twilight, the naga teaching Spike, and Doppel 'exploring' the area with Poly, the house was empty but for Freki. "Time for me to go," I said to myself around noon, when I was almost positive Luna would be asleep and Celestia would be too busy to make time to see me. Freki looked over. "If I was going by train, I would bring you. But I'll have to fly there and ride back to save time. After all, I don't want to risk them finding out I'm going to be in town, now do I?"

Freki didn't answer, which was just as well. After all, if he had, I would have been really freaked out. Anyway, after making sure I had my knife and my ring, I walked over to the door. "Guard the house, Freki. You know the drill." He just slumped back down on the floor, already bored.

As soon as I got outside, I took to the air, soaring toward the distant mountains where Canterlot rested. It was still a cold day, but this time the air was clear, with no clouds or snow to fuck me over.

Like always, the direct flight there was much faster than the slow train ride around the winding mountain tracks would have been. I was not at all looking forward to having to ride the train back, but unless I felt like talking to Celestia and politely asking her to lighten the armor, I wouldn't be able to fly back.

Now I'm sure you're wondering—not that you're reading this (you fucking piece of shit)—how is armor that cuts my mobility in half useful at all? Well you see, I was planning on asking Celestia to lighten it later. A going away present, perhaps. I just didn't want to ask her in Canterlot and risk running into Luna. Better to wait until we were both at the Europe party to ask, I figured. I'd look around for unicorns able to cast it before we left, though, just in case Celestia decided to be a cunt.

So I landed in front of the castle and walked on up to the entrance. Before I could get into the main doors, the guards in front of me slammed their spears together, blocking me from entering. "Visiting hours are over, citizen," the one on the left said.

"…What?"

"Unless you have royal business, you may not enter," the right one added.

I blinked a few times, totally caught off guard by that. "Seriously? I have business in there."

They both grinned darkly. "Papers?" the left one asked. "Any_pony_ with royal business is given identification papers to prove it."

"And of course, _knights_, guards, and servants may enter freely," the other one said. _You bastard._

Before I could get violent with those two bastards, we heard a throat clear behind me. "Navarone is with me, gentlecolts," Fancy Pants calmly announced, stepping up to my side. "We have business inside."

Their spears immediately uncrossed. "Yes sir," they both answered, though they seemed rather reluctant to do so.

"Well then, shall we?" Fancy Pants asked, stepping up to my side. I shrugged and led the way into the grand entrance hall of the palace.

"Hardasses," I grumbled when we were inside. "They know full well who I am."

"Precisely," Fancy said. "The one who embarrassed them and their commanding officer once in a faux assassination, again when you protected Cadance from assassination _twice_, and most recently in the war games. Yes, the guards know you very well, Navarone."

"Ungrateful bastards, then. Think they'd be happier if I just let Cadance die?"

"Now, now, there's no reason to be like that. Besides, if you had stayed a knight, this wouldn't even be an issue."

"Bah. Thanks for getting me in, Fancy. I'll let you get to whatever you were doing. I have business in the armory."

"If you don't mind, I'll accompany you," he answered. "I'm early and this will give me something to do."

"I won't stop you, but I also won't promise you'll have any fun."

"Well, I wanted to talk anyway. First, another warning about my wife. While she was… amused with the princess, she hasn't quite gotten over her desire to try you out, as it were. But sadly, it seems that she has been listening to Rarity's silliness, that business with the mangos or whatever they're called. I heard Fleur talking about getting you into a 'yowee shota' scenario, whatever that means."

"It means that she wants to watch me fuck a little colt." Or be fucked by an older stallion, I guess.

Fancy Pants turned his head my way sharply, disgust in his eyes. After a few seconds of walking in silence, he looked back. "I assume you're joking." I wasn't. "Either way, I don't think you're interested in it."

"Trust me, I've been staying well away from your wife. I don't see why you can't just forbid her from hunting after me. I do promise this, though: If I catch her snooping around my house, I'm going to give her to my changeling that feeds off lust and keep her locked up for a full day before letting her go."

"Understood. And I don't forbid her from doing anything like that because I'm an old man and frankly, it amuses me to see her thinking she gets away with it. Marry for love, Navarone. It will be better for you in the long run."

"I'll keep that in mind," I drily answered. "You said that was the first thing. What else did you want to talk about?"

"Your rather abrupt removal from the roster of knights. It was quiet and there was nothing in the news about it, so it must have been something the princesses don't want getting out. What happened, Navarone?"

"Eh, Luna went crazy. You know, the usual. I finally had enough and told Celestia I was done. She offered to let me either become her knight instead or become an umbral knight. I told her I'd think about it."

"An _umbral knight_?! And you told her you'd _think_ about it?! Navarone, that's an honor you can't refuse!"

"Watch me. Oh yeah, being a knight has its uses, don't get me wrong. But taking orders? Fuck that shit. I'd rather give them."

"Navarone, that's what an umbral knight _does_. Every order you are given is a suggestion, but every order you give will be followed out. Of course, the orders have to be justifiably beneficial to Equestria. And being the first of another species to ever be an umbral knight would be… Navarone, how could you refuse?"

"I didn't. I told her I would think about it."

"Then I suggest you think quickly. An offer like that can't last long. There hasn't been an umbral knight in over a hundred years!"

"I can imagine why. The kind of trust it would take for someone to earn that position is insane."

"Indeed. Honestly, I'm somewhat surprised the princesses would trust anypony at all with that much power. Let alone somepony so different."

"I've proven my worth, I suppose. Though yes, it seems odd that she would entrust me with the power to countermand her own orders. Bitch is crazy, I guess."

He sighed, shaking his head. "Navarone, you really shouldn't refer to the princess in such a manner, especially not in the seat of her power when all of her guards are out in force. Such things tend to be bad for your health."

Right as he finished talking, a knife appeared in my hand, pulled from where it had been tucked into a sleeve. "Let them try something. It would end poorly for them, I assure you." I put the little knife back up and shrugged. "But avoiding a fight is usually better. We're at the armory now anyway, though."

"So we are. What business do you have here?" he asked as we stepped inside.

"I need new armor. If I'm not Luna's knight, I won't be wearing her symbols."

"What of your Defender of Harmony armor? It's perfectly functional and even owning it is a great honor."

"It's ugly as hell. If I have the money, I'm going to get something worth wearing."

"And you did," the blacksmith fellow said, appearing from an open door leading to the back rooms. "Your armor is done, sir."

"Not sir anymore, mate," I said. "Where's the armor?"

"If you're a client and you were born with meat between your legs, you're sir to me. And right this way, sir," he said, backing into the room he had emerged from.

I shrugged and followed him back. For whatever reason—boredom, probably—Fancy Pants followed me. When we got through the door, we beheld a mannequin fit to my body covered in some rather sturdy looking plate.

"Raw steel. No decorations. No fineries. No gold." Hell, the armorer almost sounded offended by my lack of style. "Extremely protective, with the light flutes helping against bending. Heavy. Holes for your wings that you can screw into place. This armor won't let you down, sir."

"And I also said no insignias," I commented, looking at the blood-red handprints on the pauldrons. They were the only color on the otherwise dull black armor.

"It seemed fitting. They can be removed, if you want."

After thinking about it for a few seconds, I shook my head. "Leave 'em." The way I figure, disguising me and my ship as a band of mercenaries would be easier, the more threatening I looked. Those marks definitely looked pretty horrifying. "How much does it weigh, all together?"

"About seventeen kilograms. Heavy, but not unbearable. The knight armor I made for you was fifteen before the magic."

"And I'm a lot stronger than I was back then. Let's try it on, see how well it fits."

The armorer's horn lit up and the armor began coming apart, pulling away from the mannequin. "It should fit just fine, with the measurements I took," he said. "But it's always better to check. I assume by this point you know how to put this stuff on?"

"Assuming it's built like the other set, yeah." I pulled the dagger off my belt and removed my jacket and shoes. "Let's see here…" As the armorer pulled it down, I put it on. Fancy Pants helped me with a few of the harder to find straps. Soon enough, I was fully covered in its cool metallic embrace.

The armorer nodded. "Open faced helmet, full visibility. Just watch your face, since you don't have any protection there."

"I think I'd watch my face even with protection there," I replied, flexing my arms in the heavy armor. "Not too constricting. I wouldn't want to run a marathon in it and I certainly wouldn't trust flying in it for long distances, but it's not as bad as I was expecting."

"Exercise helps," Fancy said. "When I received my first set, I could barely walk. Now it's more like a second skin, though I admit I rarely wear it any longer."

"Aye, he's right. The guards here, they don't mind their armor at all. But it's made of light metals and is less protective. They also have more legs to distribute weight over. Still, you look fine enough."

"Excellent. No hook to hang the helmet this time, but this armor is functional only anyway. If I'm wearing it, I'll be expecting a fight."

"As you should, with how… dull this set is. I can't believe you didn't let me do anything with it."

"I don't want to look like a spruced up noble playing at war. I want to look like a soldier that knows what he's doing. Nobles are targets. Soldiers get avoided, especially if they look like they're experts."

"Feh. Take your plain armor, then. You need anything else?"

"Not that I can think of. Thanks for doing this, man."

"It was partially a pleasure. Don't expect it to save you from everything, though."

"I hardly do. But I'll feel better with it on than not having it at all."

"Understandable. If you need me or my services for anything else, you'll know where to find me. You too, Sir Fancy Pants."

I grabbed my shoes and my jacket as Fancy and I departed the armory. "That is definitely an interesting set of armor," he commented as we walked aimlessly down the halls. "I suspected you wouldn't care for black armor at this point, since the idea was to have nothing tying you to Princess Luna."

"The color has nothing to do with her, I assure you. I'd rather not be a shining beacon in the day, if I ever have to fight in the open. The flashing might disorient my enemies, but it could also hurt me or my friends. Better to reduce the risk, don't you think?"

"True. How thick is that stuff?"

"Very. He wasn't joking when he said it was heavy and protective. Oh, it's possible to break through it, but most people would sooner break their weapons."

"That must be comforting."

"Very. I just wish I could move faster in it."

"Oil the joints. Work out more. No offence, but do you even lift?"

"Not really. I do other exercises, though."

"With as skinny as you seem, I expected as much. You seemed awfully… frail compared to the other human soldiers we met." Frail probably wasn't what he was about to say there. Small or short, likely.

"You'd be hard pressed to find a human that can do much in this shit. It's bloody heavy. Add in the sword, my ranged weapon, and any supplies I'd be carrying, and it's going to be hard to walk."

"You could just ask the princess to help lighten it."

"I'm planning on it the next time I see her, probably in a few weeks."

"A few weeks? Nav, we're on our way to see her now." It was at that point that I started paying attention to where we had been walking. The twisting and winding path we had been following was leading straight to a large assembly hall.

"Correction: You are. I'm watching for the next hallway leading to the main entrance. I've no real desire to see Celestia today. Especially not at any kind of big gathering."

"You see, the problem with that logic is that visiting hours are still not in. If you leave my side and get questioned by a guard, you'll likely end up in jail for trespassing."

"That's some bullshit and you know it."

"Oh, I do. But I am no longer early, so I can't afford the time to escort you out. Besides, I believe Princess Celestia wanted you at this event anyway."

"Then why didn't she tell me?"

He smiled. "She knew you would tell her no. But it was planned for a day she knew you have business in the palace and asked for somepony to make sure you attended, if we could."

"You bastard!"

"I'm merely doing my duty. Forgive me if it impedes you for a few short moments."

"And forgive me if I sneak out the back way. No one ever watches the gates to the statue garden. I can easily get out that way and catch the first train home."

Oh, I hated that little chuckle. "You're welcome to try, but I guarantee that you won't get far. Remember, the day guards don't quite like you. And at this point, they probably all know that you're here and that you're supposed to be with me. If you get seen at all—and in that clunking, noisy armor, you will—it's jail time."

"Fancy, I thought we were cool. Where the hell did this bullshit come from?"

"As I said, I am merely doing my duty. And I did help you get inside. The least you could do is help me by showing up."

"Fucking fine. But I do not like being tricked, Fancy."

"I've yet to find anypony that does, Nav." The rest of our walk was in silence, at least from talking. The clatter my armor and his hooves were making against the tile floor was plenty enough noise for the both of us.

When we got to the large hall, we found that we were not the first ones there. A large number of news ponies were around. A few guards lined the walls and servants danced their way through the crowd, offering drinks and other things of that nature. I saw Shining Armor and Cadance near the front of the crowd, but they didn't notice me.

Fancy Pants started walking further in, but I grabbed him by his coat. "I got a bad feeling about this," I quietly said, looking around. "Celestia wants me here, you said. What's happening?"

"Oh, I haven't the slightest. Would you care to meet some more of her majesty's knights? It would do you well to know them when you become an umbral knight."

"If. And no thank you. I'd like to stay here near the doors."

He turned to fully face me, his eyes going to my face. One of his eyebrows lifted at what he saw. "You're truly worried about this, aren't you?" he asked.

"Yes. I think I know what's going on and I have a bad, bad feeling about it. Look, do you know teleportation?"

"I can move a few hundred feet, yes."

"If I ask you to take me away from this place, can you do that for me? As a friend? I really don't think I'm going to like what's about to happen."

He studied my face for a few more seconds before nodding. "Very well. It will make quite a noticeable scene, though."

"I'll be gone, so I won't care."

He snorted, turning back to face the crowd. "So selfless," he gruffly muttered.

"Aren't I just?" I sardonically answered.

We didn't have long to wait, sadly. Though I suppose waiting would just make it worse, increase the very justified feelings of unease I had. Justified, because when the wait ended, there was more than one alicorn on the stage. Celestia and Luna stood side by side before us all. Luna looked tired and her mane was its standard light blue it normally was during the day. Celestia looked like her typical regal self.

There was only a single reason Celestia would want me there for a public address that both sisters were attending. A single reason that I gave her. A reason that was never supposed to come into fruition.

As Celestia began welcoming everyone, I turned to Fancy. "Now would be a very good time to teleport me away," I whispered

He half-turned his head my way. "It hasn't even started yet, Nav."

"But I have a feeling I know what's going to happen."

"Give it time. She just started talking." He turned back to face her and I knew he wouldn't hear of me leaving again for some time. So I turned an ear to the door that was close to us. _Any fucker shows up late, I'll just let myself out. Tell the bastard guards I'm taking a breather._

Unfortunately, it was hard not to pay attention to Celestia. "The grim nature of this announcement will shock everypony," she was saying. "But it must be said. Luna?"

_Fuck me. They don't waste any time, do they?_

I poked Fancy again and leaned down. "Now would be great. I know what she's going to say and I don't want to hear it," I whispered.

"Stop being so paranoid," was his answer. _Bastard._

Of course, Luna didn't waste time either. After all, why prolong the suffering?

"As everypony knows, I was on the moon for several long, lonely years. Long enough to… cause problems. Celestia and I have both come to the conclusion that until those problems are dealt with, it is best that I step down from any semblance of power." There was some murmuring in the crowd, but she didn't stop to address it. "I will still offer advice if needed, but times have changed. Things that were once accepted are now taboo. Things once taboo are now accepted. I learned some of what is accepted and some of what is not already, but… I learned through the hard way."

There was silence in the hall for a few moments. Eventually, Luna's eyes found mine. My head shook, a vain attempt to get her to stop while she was ahead. To get her not to condemn herself. To hopefully make her see sense.

As ever, she was immune to it. A small chuckle emanated from her before she continued. "I say the 'hard way' like it means so little. Royalty is not perfect, my little ponies. My crimes are many. I have attempted to murder someone because I did not understand him. I attempted to hit that same person with a love poison when I thought I did understand him. I almost killed him two more times, though both were accidental. Later, I raped him and took joy in his pain, thinking he would consider it a privilege to provide pleasure to a princess. When he forgave me, the process repeated itself and I mind raped him. Even later, when I was angry with him, I abused my powers over dreams and broadcast his habits across the nation." Ponies were starting to freak out, at this point. I was getting more and more worried and I could feel my hand scrabbling around the doors for a handle. "And just recently, at the party I hosted, I almost tricked him into getting raped again."

Everyone but Celestia was staring at her in complete shock. If not for my almost frenzied attempts to flee, you could hear a ninja fart.

"All of this, done to one person. One _man_." Her eyes met mine again. "Navarone, will you ever forgive me?"

It was at that point that I finally found the door handle. I ripped the damn thing open and bolted out, slamming it shut behind me. Down the halls I sprinted, no real destination in mind. There was nothing in my mind but the thought of escape.

I didn't want to see the looks on those faces. The 'Oh I'm so sorry' looks of sympathy. And I didn't want to see Luna's face, heartbroken and close to tears, or Celestia's, grim but accepting.

God help me, but I don't think I could have said a word in there if I had tried.

When I realized how fucking heavy the armor actually was, I stopped running, instead moving at a walk. I knew at that point that I needed to get out of the damn palace quickly before I got surrounded by reporters. Or worse, friends. Cadance and Shining Armor had been in that crowd. There would be no helping me if they caught me before I could get home.

"Running might not have been the best choice," Flo eventually said.

"Then you should have said so before I fucking did it."

"No, no. I understand perfectly why you did it. I don't blame you, either. But walking out would have made a much better point."

"I'll keep that in mind. I thought you meant I should have answered her."

A new voice said, "You should have." I looked over to the adjoining hall to see Celestia standing there.

"Flo disagrees," I answered, tapping my helmeted head.

Her eyes narrowed at the mention of my internal guest. "Your machine is wrong, then. I recall you saying you would forgive her if she did what she just did."

Flo huffed. "Tell her that her memory is fading with old age. You said you would _consider_ forgiving her."

"Your memory's fading with old age, Celestia. I didn't say I would forgive her. I said that I would consider forgiving her. So now I'm considering it. Now, would you kindly show me to the nearest exit?"

"I'm fairly certain that no matter where you go, news reporters will be waiting for you. My little sister just admitted to committing some very heinous crimes, all towards you. This is big news."

"And I'm sure she's going to go to prison for a long time because of them. After all, that's what happens to those that break the law." She didn't answer. "I don't suppose you can make this armor light, can you? It's awfully heavy." Her horn lit up as she fixed my problem without a word. "Thank you. Now I can fly back without having to worry about damn reporters."

"You're breaking us, Navarone," she suddenly said. "Me and Luna both. Oh, she very much deserves what will happen next, don't get me wrong. But you could forgive her. It would mean so much to her…"

"You know what would mean so much to me, Celestia? None of this ever having happened in the first place. Luna has escaped consequences for her actions for five years now. There's no escaping this. Oh, I can't lie: It'll hurt to watch, in a way. But in another way, you can't understand how good it feels to have this out in the open now, to have everyone know what that monster has done to me. Forgiving her would make it hurt less. It would make her sacrifice feel worthwhile. So no. I think I'll let her stew before I decide. Maybe it'll do her good to know how I feel every time I wake up."

"Maybe. But remember that this isn't the only time she's gone through being a social pariah. Everypony knew her as Nightmare Moon when she returned."

"And no one knew who that was or what she had done. Historically, sure. But reputations can be fixed when the event that happened was so far in the past. None of the common ponies were alive to see what she did, so it wasn't hard for her to change their minds. Now this happens. Everyone knows. Everyone was around when it happened. Everyone remembers the dreams. It will take her hundreds of years to recover from this. And do you remember her opening line? Royalty isn't perfect? She's taking you down with her, Celestia. Remember Fleur. People know you're fallible. And now Luna admits to so many crimes, starting off with that line. How long do you think the people will be behind you, Celestia? Do you ever wonder if they look to their northern neighbor and see how the griffins are doing with their lovely little republic?"

"I raise the sun for them! They will not betray me so easily."

"You don't do jack shit. So you _can_ move the planet. Ask any dragon how the world moved before you were around and guess what he would answer?"

"The monster that ruled before I did could also move the sun."

"Maybe. But if people start thinking you're going bad, how long do you think they'll let that excuse stop them from booting you?"

"It won't happen," she firmly answered.

"So you say. For now. I'm going to go find a window to hop out of. It's time for me to go home, I do believe."

"Yes. Yes it is. I may come visit you later, Navarone. We have things to discuss, things from our last meeting."

"If you say so. Have fun dealing with this fallout." And so began the long journey home.

Of course, that couldn't be the end of it. Oh no, not with my fucking luck. God I hate these damn midget horses.

My first visitors, not even two hours after I got home, were Shining Armor and Cadance. There were a few guards behind them, but I didn't have time to look closer before I got fucking piledrived in a hug. Cadance has practice doing that to me, thankfully, so I didn't end up on the floor.

"Christ, are you in heat again already?" I sighed, patting her on the back of the neck. "I already told you, no threesomes!"

"We heard what happened, what Luna did to you!" she answered, rubbing my back with her hooves.

"And?"

That stumped her. She didn't let me go, but Shiny started talking. "I told you that he would be fine, dear. Now, Navarone, I need to know if her confession is true."

"Yep. Now can you let go of me?"

Shining Armor's horn lit up and some magic pried Cadance away from me. "That's all I needed to know, Navarone," he answered. "Though I need to know, why didn't you come forward?"

"And watch as nothing happens? There's no justice here for me. Good luck meting out any to her."

"By her own admission, Luna is guilty. She admitted this in front of a crowd full of reporters. This news will spread, Nav. There's no way she could possibly escape judgment for this."

I snorted. "Forgive me if I don't hold my breath."

"I understand that," he sighed. "But maybe this time will be different."

"It will be," Cadance angrily said, almost in a growl. "She has at least one princess against her." _It's cute that you think you have power._

"We'll certainly do our best," Shiny said, nodding. "But I also need to know if Celestia has done anything to you as well, anything you're hiding."

"Do you count telling me that she's used me as a royal agent and decided to sell her sister to me for 'love' so I'd be easier to control? That because I'm apparently a member of such a dangerous species, that I wouldn't mind killing others in her name if she made me loyal to her?"

My eyes involuntarily rolled as Cadance hugged me again. Shiny said, "Those are all messed up, but not actually illegal, I don't think."

"What about sending me to spy?"

"Iffy, but I can't bust her on that."

"Well, she sort of accidentally raped Rarity. Also, can you get her off me again?"

His horn lit up once again, tearing Cadance away. "How did she… accidentally rape somepony?" he asked.

"Ask Rarity for details. It isn't my place to say."

"…Alright. I'll see to it that you're kept updated on the case, then."

I shook my head. "Don't bother. I don't care and I'm leaving in less than a month. Good luck with the conviction, Shiny."

"I… I'm afraid to say I might need it. Are you certain then? You're leaving for sure?"

"Already have plans for it, yes. I was planning on teleporting out to the party with Celestia, but then Luna pulled this move. I might leave earlier than expected. Say, if you're going into town, can you do me a favor?"

"I can't leave without talking to Rarity and Twilight, so by all means."

"Ask Spike to come by. I have a question for him."

He nodded. "Easy enough. If you leave before we see each other again… Well, good luck, Navarone. I think I might understand you better now."

"Thinking's overrated, Shiny," I answered.

"You better come back, or at least visit," Cadance said, trying her best to be threatening. "After so long… Well, I'd miss you if you just up and disappeared forever."

"Don't worry about that. I'll be back here eventually, I'm sure. Too much history to just walk away forever." And besides, I still have to bust Flo out.

"You better be," she replied. "I'll come find you if you don't!"

Shiny smiled at that. "Don't make my wife exert herself, Nav."

"I won't. You two should get to town before it gets dark, though. It would suck to fly back at night."

They both nodded. "Then we'll see you later, Nav," he said.

"And we'll miss you," Cadance added.

"I'll miss you both as well." I meant that to be a lie, but after I said it I realized that it was actually true.

The next time I saw them was in a much darker, more dangerous place. But there will be a time to tell that story and that time is not now.

My next guest was, of course, Spike. "What do you need, Nav?" he asked when I opened the door for him.

"I just got a very good reason to leave when the airship does. Do you want to leave early, or is there something holding you back?"

He shrugged. "Twilight probably wants Pinkie to throw me a party, but honestly, I don't really want one. When's the airship coming?"

"Two days. I'm hoping that's soon enough. I got a powerful need to leave and I don't know if that'll be quickly enough."

"What's going on?"

"Big things. Big, ugly things. I expect the news to hit Ponyville soon. Hopefully in three or more days."

"That's not very specific, Nav."

"Luna just admitted to the world that she raped and almost murdered me."

"Oh. That sucks."

"Yep. So if we're leaving in two days instead of one, that means I need to talk to Bon-Bon."

"Yeah, you—wait, Luna did _what_?!"

"Eh, I can tell you on the way into town. Come on, let's get to walking."

I grabbed the leather coat from the rack conveniently placed next to the door and walked on out, pulling the door shut behind me.

"It all began a few years ago…" I started as we walked.

When we got to Bonnie's house, he finally said, "I'm glad we're leaving, Nav."

"You and me both, man. Think she'll be pissed if we knock at this hour?"

"Well, it's not quite dark yet," he answered. I shrugged and knocked. "What do you need to talk to her for, anyway?"

Before I could answer, one of the kids opened the door and looked up at me. "Is your mo—Er, is Bon-Bon in?" I asked.

"Yeah," he answered, not moving.

"…Can you ask her to come to the door?"

Without answering, he wandered off, leaving the door wide open. Spike and I shared a look and a shrug. Soon enough, Bon-Bon showed up at the door. "Oh, he made you wait in the cold? Come in, you two!"

I shook my head. "We won't be here long. I just need to tell you that I'm leaving ahead of schedule. I need that answer in two days."

Her ears flinched before she nodded. "We… talked about it. And sort of argued about it a little. But we decided that we'll do it, Nav. We'll watch your house while you're gone, as long as you don't kick us out immediately when you get back."

"Fair enough. Come by tomorrow or the day after and I'll show you how everything works and what to do if anything breaks."

"Of course. It'll probably just be either me or Lyra, though, not both."

"Whoever it is can show the other. Wish I could stay longer, but I need to get Spike back home."

She nodded. "Of course, Nav. If I don't see you tomorrow… Well, I suppose I'll see you whenever you get back."

"Of course. Talk to you later, Bon-Bon."

When we got back on the main thoroughfare, Spike said, "You don't have to walk me back, Nav."

"I know. I'm not going to. I just needed an excuse to leave sooner."

"Oh. That's pretty rude."

"It's not rude. I had an excuse."

He rolled his eyes. "Whatever. So two days?"

"At midnight. Be there on time so I don't have to drag you out of bed."

"I will. Should I tell Twilight I'm leaving sooner?"

"You can, but she might want to know why. I'd rather her think I'm leaving in two weeks so she might put off visiting me."

"Nav, what's with all this dark, abandoning stuff you're doing? Why not just tell everypony that you're leaving?"

"Because I don't like goodbyes. I'd rather just disappear."

"Well, I'm at least going to leave a note for all my friends. It'll feel… softer that way."

"Do whatever you think best. Anyway, I _do_ need to get back before nightfall. So I'll see you later, Spike."

"Alright, talk to you later."

Given that I had to take my jacket off to fly home, it was a cold flight. Almost cold enough to make me wish I had desecrated the lovely leather duster Kincaid had given me.

Flo woke me up late that night, flooding my body with something that jerked my body awake with a gasp. "Visitor," she whispered.

My eyes slammed open and I recoiled in horror as I saw a pair of fangs and faintly glowing eyes right next to my face. "Jesus!"

My uninvited guest jumped backwards and was immediately set upon by Freki, who for some reason waited until then to announce himself. When I heard a rather feminine yelp of pain, I actually looked at my assailant. It was a certain captain of the night guards. "Freki, heel," I quickly said, trying to calm my frantic heartbeat. He backed off, but eyed the vampire warily. "Come to give me a midnight kiss, Blossom?" I asked, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"It's well past midnight, Nav. And it's actually called the vampony's kiss, though that wasn't why I was here. I was actually attempting to wake you up."

"Sure you were. Well, I'm awake and it seems you met my home defense doggy. Now what did you need? If you're hungry, take your fill and let me go back to sleep."

"I wouldn't wake you up for that. I think you know full well why I'm here."

"I can think of a few reasons. Why don't you just tell me?"

"Did any of my guards help Luna with any of what she did to you?"

"…That actually wasn't what I was expecting. Uh, there was a single guard who helped her a long time ago. He was positioned to make sure I died against some evil moth thing."

"Do you have a name?"

"I'm afraid not. I met him later, but I don't remember his name."

"Did anypony else help?"

"Not that I can think of."

"I see. Shining Armor is taking care of the case against Luna right now. I'm cleaning up house, looking around for anypony that might have known but didn't say anything. Have you told anypony anything about what happened?"

"Celestia. She knew the entire time. And there were a number of people who found out about a few parts of it, from reading journal entries. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Twilight Sparkle." I wasn't about to get Fluttershy mixed up in all this. That would just break her.

Her eyes narrowed. "Elements of harmony? Why wouldn't they say anything?"

"Loyalty to Celestia, maybe. I don't know. Look, if you decide to question them, can you wait a few days?"

"No promises. We want to get this investigation done as quickly as possible and we need to start questioning them before they learn what happened. We won't question them tonight, but it is likely that it will happen tomorrow."

"I see. How long is that going to take?"

"That depends on how willing they are to cooperate. If push comes to shove, I imagine Captain Armor will rip the information from their minds. Unpleasant, especially given that one of them is his sister, but if it's necessary, that's what will happen."

"Eh. Look, I'm leaving in about two days. Can you do what you can to make sure nothing comes to bother me in that time?"

Her eyebrows furrowed. "I didn't think it was going to be this soon. How long are you going to be gone?"

"A long damn time. If this doesn't blow over well, I might not come back at all. Not much left for me here."

"A shame. You'll definitely be missed, even if you aren't a knight anymore. I'll see what I can do about getting a squad on station. If Captain Armor asks, I'll tell him they're there to keep anypony that might be feeling vindictive out."

"Awesome. That'll save me from having to keep the gate down until I leave. You know, the night guards have always pulled through for me. It's been an honor working with you guys. I think that'll be one of the few things I'll miss when I'm gone."

"You won't miss it that much. After all, Watcher's going with you."

"True. But I will be losing a number of good personalities. Steel and Panzer. Smiles, even if he can be annoying as hell. Quisling, though I'm bringing two other changelings. Hell, as much as you try to be mean and uptight, I'm going to miss you. I didn't spend much time with most of the others, but I really am going to regret leaving all of it behind."

"If you have to leave, you have to leave. If it makes you feel better, we're all going to miss you too. We've never really had anypony that had a military mind like yours. It'll be a shame to lose you."

"Ha, I knew you'd miss me. Do I get a going away present?"

She grinned sweetly and I thought for a second I finally got her when she said, "Nope. But if you come back… Well, I might give you a welcome home present."

"Oh, now that's just twisted. Now I _have_ to come back! Can I at least have a good night kiss?"

Her grin only deepened. "Would you ask the vampony for a kiss, my dear Navarone, not knowing what it would entail?"

I shrugged. "Sure. I've done worse."

"Then look into my eyes!" Her wings exploded outwards and her eyes took on a strange intensity, stripping away any sentience I had and forcing me to focus solely on her. As she moved forward, I felt a growing sense of elation, a growing feeling of submissiveness. She stopped right next to my bed and leaned in, gently pressing her lips against mine and giving what felt like a tender, loving kiss.

After too little time—infinity would be too short a time, for the pleasure I felt—she pulled away from my lips and leaned in past my face, so she could whisper into my ear. "Present yourself." Without even thinking about it, my head tilted up and away, leaving my throat bared to her. She pulled back and lovingly licked my carotid, sending goosebumps across my flesh. She chuckled at the sight, her laughter sweet music to my ears.

After taking her time to prepare me, she punctured my neck. There was no pain. In fact, as she began to slowly suckle my life fluids away, I felt an intense pleasure and satisfaction, the knowledge that I was helping my mistress of the night wiping away any feeling of wrongness or pain. It felt right and I loved it. The only part at all that I hated was when she pulled away, ending it.

"Now sleep, my succulent morsel. Sleep the night away. Your guards will be here in the morning."

I tried to answer, but couldn't. Her compulsion seemed to be still working, because I just lied back down and closed my eyes as she walked away, getting out however she got in.

And thus ended what was probably the most intimate experience of my entire life.

A day guard squad showed up the next day and took up positions around my house. Surprisingly enough, there were no visitors except for Bon-Bon. I showed her around and how everything worked and things like that and then she was on her way.

It was a nice day that gave me plenty of time to get ready to leave.

That night, my guards were replaced by a more… familiar batch. Steel Rain and his men stood watch over my house.

And of course, they brought an even more familiar face. "What do you want, Smiles?" I tiredly asked. "I'm about to go to bed."

"This is my last duty as a guard, sir," he answered.

"It's not sir anymore. And congratulations. You get a promotion to officer or something?"

"I'm resigning. A lot of the night guards are, I think."

"Well, good luck in life. I sure hope you have a job lined up after this."

"I kinda… don't."

"Hm. You should work on that. Can't imagine there's too much work for an ex-soldier in Equestria."

"Yeah…"

I let the silence build up for a little while before I said, "Well, good night. Have fun on your last duty session." With that, I started walking to the staircase, getting ready for what he was about to ask.

"Wait!" I stopped but didn't look back. "Uh… Do… Do you have any positions for me?"

_Knew that was coming._ I turned back around. "What would you be looking to do?"

"Defend you! I'm good at fighting, sir!"

"I have guards aplenty and I'm not too shabby in a fight myself. My entire crew is full of battle-hardened unicorns. Try again and this time remember that you're competing against fifteen other soldiers."

His ears flinched and he gulped. "I can cook pretty decently."

"So can I and at least one of the others that's going. Would you care to try again?"

"I'm pretty good at uh… darning?"

"So is one of the others I'm bringing." Though who taught Spike to sew, I don't know. "One more try, for old time's sake?"

He thought for several seconds before finally sighing and saying, "I know… how to please a stallion?" I just crossed my arms and looked down on him in disappointment. He hung his head and turned around to walk out.

"I'll make a deal with you, Smiles." He whirled right back around, already living up to his name. "My first stop is the party in Europe, the Stalliongrad thing. If you promise me that you'll look for a job there doing whatever, you can ride with me on my ship. If by the time we leave you haven't found a job, I'll take you with me. But if I find out that you weren't looking, I'll leave your ass there. Alright?"

His smile was wide enough to drive a horse cock through. "Yes sir!"

I quickly held up a hand. "I have a few conditions. The first one is that you need to look in Stalliongrad, which I already said. The second is that I am not gay. Do not push me, Smiles. Flirt with the others if you want, but I am not gay. Okay?"

He sighed, but said, "Yes sir…"

"Alright. If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to let you know. We're leaving tomorrow night, midnight. If you're not here by the time we leave, you're getting left behind. Bring a personal kitbag if you want. There are plenty of rooms on the ship, but most of them are relatively small. Keep that in mind. And for the love of God, don't tell anyone else that's leaving the guard that I'm hiring you. I don't want all the damn dregs that quit when the going got tough coming to me and bothering me."

"Yes sir! So is anypony cute going with us?"

"I'm going to bed. You're not invited."

"Sweet dreams!" he called as I walked up the stairs. I didn't comment on the muttered, "About me," he added.

Nothing happened the next day aside from Gilda finally showing up.

The night of our departure was perfectly clear, arranged for by me. I didn't want any rain getting in the way of the shit we were moving onto the ship. Thankfully, most of it was treated wood anyway, so there wouldn't have been much damage.

Watcher and his troops rode in on the ship, since they were both in Canterlot. Smiles flew in since he didn't know what we were taking anyway. Spike, Gilda, Ames, Freki, and I were all hunting in the woods for one last meatfest before we left and we met Zecora heading to the house on the way out. She had on her a number of alchemical stuff, but almost no potions.

"Why bring the heavier brew when I can make them anew?" she wisely asked, emphasizing her point by shifting one of her bags that looked like it had a calcinator in it.

When the ship finally got to my house, I got the naga and Watcher's crew and Smiles to get all the weapons and shit on board. While they were working on that, Spike found me. "This feels wrong," he said.

"Leaving home? It does, I'll admit."

"Not that! Leaving without telling anypony. Sneaking away into the night. I feel like… a thief, I guess. What will they think if you just disappear like this? Shouldn't you at least tell them?"

"It's a little bit late for you to be bringing this up, Spike. It's already midnight. Most everyone's asleep. Besides, I did leave a note." Well, the note was just for Dash.

Spike sighed. "I don't know. It just… doesn't feel right, I guess."

"Well, it's kinda not right. I shouldn't be doing this and I know I shouldn't be. But honestly, what is there left to say? 'I'm leaving, possibly forever, bye'? That wouldn't go over well. Especially not now."

"Better to hear it late than to just wake up and find that you're gone," he said.

"Well, Twilight knows. She can tell them when they find out."

"True, I guess… They're going to be awfully mad, though."

"I know, Spike. I know. Hopefully a few years will dull that anger." Oh, if only I knew how wrong I was about that…

"Maybe. Hey, I'm gonna go see if I can help them. I got these dragon muscles coming in, I might as well use them."

"Have fun with that." Off he went, wagging that little tail of his and leaving me alone.

It didn't take long for her to show up. Before she could say a word, I said, "I was wondering when you would show up." I finally turned around, revealing a very sad looking Pinkie Pie.

"We're going to miss you, Nav," she quietly replied.

"And there are going to be times when I'll miss you guys," I shot back. "But I think you knew this was coming. I don't think anyone here thought I could stay in Ponyville forever."

"I know… And I don't blame you. Some ponies are going to be awfully angry you didn't tell them, though."

"Yeah." I fished the letter out of my pocket and handed it to her. "Give that to Rainbow Dash after lunch tomorrow."

"I will."

"And I'm sorry you couldn't throw a party for Spike. Something big came up and I needed to leave early. You'll find out what happened soon, I think."

"Was it that bad?" she asked.

"Yes. It is… prudent that I get gone soon. You'll understand. Hell, everyone probably will when they hear."

"What should I tell Fluttershy?"

"I have instructions for Dash in the letter. If she's not too angry, she'll handle it."

"Okay…"

"Buck up, Pinkie. We'll see each other again some day."

"Promise?" she asked.

"I promise," I answered, one I honestly didn't care if I kept or not.

It cheered her up slightly, anyway. "Good. I can throw you a welcome home party! Or a long lost friend party!" As things turned out, that second one wouldn't have been necessary.

"I'm sure you'll think of something." I heard yelling and turned back to my ship. "Looks like it's time for me to go, Pinkie. Everything's loaded up and ready."

"Alright, Nav. Be safe. And when you meet the three-eyed genie, remember what kind of person you really are."

"…What?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. That happens sometimes. I'll see you soon!"

"Soon. Right. Until our paths cross again, Pinkie." I spread my wings and jumped into the air, bypassing the long rope ladder and flying straight up to the ship. "Everything squared away?" I asked the captain.

"Everything but the crew," he answered. "Everypony's heading up the ladder now, though. Sorry I didn't get a chance to tell you sooner, but I picked up a few passengers going our way. I couldn't turn down the fares, what with our destination."

"I understand. I don't suppose you picked up a grey mare named Octavia, did you?"

"Aye, I did. Cute little thing. You know her?"

"Friend of mine, yeah. When everyone's aboard and we're all ready to go, feel free to set sail."

"Yes sir." I looked around the bustling ship, with magic floating pieces of weapons together according to plans and the occasional bat-winged pegasus lending a hoof whenever they could. "How's it feel?" he asked.

"How does what feel?"

"Leaving it all behind like this. Dropping your home and setting off for adventure."

"Well, this is hardly my first time doing that…" Taking one last look around the ship and all the crew that was loyal to me, I added, "Last time, I was forced out of my home. Dragged here by a whim and left to rot." My eyes finally settled somewhere: Forward. Towards east, where our destination awaited. "This time, though… This time, it feels… Right."

When we left on that long, inhospitable journey, I was looking forward, ever forward. And God help me, there were so many times I wanted to look back. But like a car crash or a train wreck, you just can't take your eyes away sometimes.

Was it fitting for the journey to be compared to something as destructive as a train wreck? Well, that will be for you to decide.

You fucking asshole.


End file.
